#have also been hitting the gym consistently for like 4 months now?

[fatsmyname]

7 months on t today!!

(he/him)

[inspiringgrowth]

We Men Are Wired for Strength

Part of what it means to be male and to be a man in general involves strength; being strong and using the strength to do things. It gets even better when we do things that benefit not only ourselves but others as well. And as we get stronger, we naturally want to do more of this being a constructive part of people's lives. It's a great feeling when we engage in this process. I saw it in my father and as I get stronger and more upright, I'm seeing it in myself.

As I get stronger people around me seem to be taking notice. Not only in my looks but also in my helpful, loving and positive actions.

I'm psyched; however, I wasn't always this way. In fact, my life started off lacking strength and health. I was frequently sick, weak and in pain. I became depressed and others around me not seeing what they expected, behaved badly toward me. There were times when I returned home from school with blood streaming down my face as my peers would hit me with their books and even rocks. Not everyone was like this. There were compassionate people I could connect with, and I am grateful for them. They gave me hope.

On an aside, to this day I don't know for sure why other kids wanted to hurt me. Did my having a different ethnic background bother them? Was it my physical weakness? Was it because I was traumatized by the violence around me? Or was it just meant to be. . . I know one thing; it drew me close to God.

Even so, four years ago, it all came to a head and in a burst of anger. I through a very large heavy object. The movement ended up herniating one of the discs in my back. The pain was unbearable. I kept pressing on though hoping and believing that God would get me through it. It was very difficult to do my work but my work at the time was all I had going for me, so I pressed on through the pain.

I also went to physical therapy and did the exercises prescribed. At first it was minimally helpful. Then 6 months ago the PT said she was moving to another state. She said to me that even though my core was much stronger after 4 years of doing the exercises, I still had pain and perhaps it would benefit me to go to a gym and start lifting weights and maybe even start a bodybuilding program. It was her idea that the muscles around my core needed to be built up. She gave me strict guidelines to prevent aggravating the disc. I agreed and got started. Within 3 months of consistent diet and exercise as prescribed, all the pain receded.

This was a huge turning point for me. I am now stronger and healthier than I have ever been. I am so happy to not only do things for myself without pain, but I can also help others with this newfound strength and energy. I feel great!

We men are wired for strength and the more we get stronger and use our strength to help others the more we are who we were made to be. We get this strength by keeping our eyes on God and working consistently on ourselves while helping others.

[inseparabiles]

Stuff and things. We haven't been writing in a bit, and I don't know if it's because brain empty no thoughts or because we've been busy otherwise or what, but there's a whole backlog of shit that's tiring and depressing and it's kind of hitting T hard. He seems to be the guy who's hoarding all of the mental illness we had before our DID diagnosis, and I think it's unfair to leave him to deal with it, blaming himself for what's going on with him. He's not bringing us down, we're placing all of the weight of everything the rest of us are blissfully unbothered by on him. And it's a long list, so let's start with something.

First - that fucking Canadian law. Never had a decision made on the literal other end of the globe hit us so hard and make us feel so hopeless on sight. We first heard of it some months ago on Reddit, which is the shittiest place on earth to be first hearing about anything on, mainly because its userbase consists of unrepenting voluntary sociopaths. (Something's climbing the cabin's wall. Sounds like a magpie but might be a squirrel. We're holed away someplace a stone's throw away from the Russian border in the arctic circle. It's atmospheric. Coincidentally also where T first became aware of being here, since I was talking about him earlier. None of this has anything to do with the euthanasia law, but suddenly hearing something scraping against your hut's outside wall is like, okay, cool, WHAT IS THAT?)

So yeah, Reddit. Knee-jerk reaction. Wrote in disbelief; this is unethical. This is not right. Suicidal ideation is such a common symptom in mental illness it's literally right there in most of the diagnostic manual entries. Literally right there, and now you're saying that instead of treating the people who experience common symptoms of mental illness, you're just going to kill them instead? How is that not eugenics? How is that not genocide? (It is.)

Got hit by a wave of forementioned Reddit cynicists. "You're the real monster," we're told. "You're denying people their right to end their suffering."

Brother - and I use this word with the utmost disrespect in my tone - I am these people. You might perceive that from just the way I mostly referred to myself as "we" in the text so far, but let me specify: we have been suffering of treatment-resistant, delibilitating, excruciating severe mental illness since we were children. We were neurodivergent before puberty and that was difficult enough, but by the time we started school, our father had turned into a violent monster who took his anger out on us, a child of 7 years old, while unemployed and our mother worked 8 to 4 every day. Sometimes she was out on business trips that took a week or maybe even two. She'd ask for her friends to babysit us, and they'd ask her why not just trust our father? She told them he had violent rages, they told her they couldn't believe that about such a nice guy, but because they were her friends, they'd do what she needed of them. Nobody ever believed us.

There's more than that, obviously. Not the point of this story. When we turned 11, our homeroom teacher responsible for most of our classes and all education outside of subject classes, had to take leave due to breast cancer. She was replaced by the meanest, most hateful bitch I've ever met. She targeted us because we weren't normal and she could smell it from miles away. By the second half of the semester, we would sit in our dark closet crying and wanting to die. We stopped doing our homework, and once that routine was gone, we could never pick it up again. By 12 years old, though she was gone by then, replaced by a creepy old guy who liked massaging the shoulders of girls while rocking into their desks with his hips and would make "checks" of the girls' showers after gym, we no longer could attend half of the semester at all. That period of unattending became longer and longer with each passing year, to the point where we'd go to school after summer vacation for about one month, and then drop out again.

We got placed in a group home, severing the last remaining friendships and connections we had at home, and leaving us in the middle of people with genuine behavioural issues and frequent clashes with the law, while our only problem was that we were desperate and could not keep up with routine.

We never did get better. A year after that ended, we entered voluntary hospitalisation for two months. The staff proceeded to ignore us, we were never even given our permission slip to exit the ward even though at the point where we were doing so poorly we demanded to cut the stay short, they wanted to act like it had been known all of the time that we didn't have to stay indoors under supervision. Guess what? Our name was not on the permission slip. Our mother made them check. The head psychiatrist of the ward was another insane control freak, I don't want to talk about her. Her deal was humiliation and arrogance, and her parting words to us "I'll see you back in a couple weeks when you're carried back here in an ambulance wearing a straitjacket." (She did not, in fact, see us back ever again.)

We moved out from home at 18, because living with our mother was impossible. She's never understood what mental illness means and cannot stand our neurodivergency. For just short of ten years from there, we were outpatients living on partial everyday assistance; we had an attendee from the social services who'd help us buy groceries, attend our appointments, and occasionally clean up the house though most the time we were too depressed to move a muscle if we didn't have to.

In 2016, we had a psychotic episode that didn't just go away like the prior ones had. I don't actually have much memories from any of our twenties, but they were miserable; we were either constantly in a permanent state of existential fear of our own impending death, or trying to hurry it along through suicidal fits and overdoses and self-harm. We were (mis)diagnosed with BPD around 27, after similar misdiagnoses of bipolar disorder earlier. The gist was that nobody knew what to do with us, and nobody was actually invested enough to figure it out. Our psychiatric contacts - doctors, nurses - dropped us on a yearly basis. The period of establishing trust got longer and longer each time, to the point where when they'd leave, we hadn't started to feel comfortable working with them yet. Constant abandonment, constant giving up, constant "you can't be helped." The years between our 25 and 29 were more or less spent trying to get a consensus on whether insurance would cover "real" talk therapy for us or not; every time one person told us to apply for it, the next person would tell us it was pointless because we were too ill to be approved, and would have to cover the whole cost ourselves, which obviously living on disability payments was not physically possible.

This all ended at the bend of 29 to 30, when we coincidentally met someone we for the first time told about our dissociative symptoms. They urged us to look into it more, which we did, and it immediately became glaringly obvious that the symptoms we'd obsessively protected and never uttered a word about in fear of some catastrophe or divine punishment raining down on us were actually clinically so significant that we needed help not yesterday, but decades ago. As a result, after failing to put us into involuntary care, our clinic kicked us out as untreatable, with nothing but a list of therapists to contact.

None of whom were dissociation specialists, and none of whom were taking patients, and only few of whom were covered by insurance to begin with, that is, if insurance would have ever even covered us to begin with. Again, untreatable. Turning to our mother, we hopped continents, got a trauma/dissociation specialist from the United fucking States of America instead, and with some cooperation between her and our local psychiatric unit (as they were ending our patientship with them) finally reached a consensus on what was actually wrong with us. Not BPD, which was scrapped, but DID.

So, how does any of this relate to Canada, and Canada's eugenics laws? Have you heard already about the patients who are recommended assisted suicide by their "care" teams? Do you see what I'm implying here?

This fucking disaster of a law is a glaring reminder that no matter the fact that we're doing better - marginally, not good enough to be anything but disabled, but still better than ever - we'd still be on the chopping block here? Not only do we have a disorder that the psychiatric world is inherently biased against and fearful towards, that most of it doesn't even want to try to understand, we are and have already been a lost case since childhood. There's no full recovery for us. There's no return to baseline functioning. Even as we are now, we are so vulnerable, teetering on the sharpest of edges, that it would be more of a surprise if, given the opportunity, our health "care" professionals wouldn't try to convince us into "assisted suicide."

It's the starkest of reminders that the world does not care about us, that we're treated and seen as nothing but burdens, that society wants us dead for reasons ranging from saving money to discomfort and embarrasment and fear.

How can you even keep trying to be better with that knowledge? Every time we open up about it, there's some self-appointed devil's advocate ready to ask us if it really wouldn't just be better, if we wouldn't actually be happier if we could just die. Not if they'd be happier if we'd just die, making their world more comfortable to live in as they don't have to contend with the concept of sick and injured people - but if we don't actually, secretly, still just want to be dead. And if we don't want to die then that's selfish; selfish because we're draining society's money, selfish because we're denying other people the right to be murdered by doctors who supposedly swore an oath to never do harm, selfish because we don't let them feel the self-assured comfort of being the good guy who lets the unfit to live take their own lives.

Suicidal ideation used to be a serious symptom that meant the patient was crying for help, crying to be seen, crying out to have people notice and care and show them that they're not alone and that there's always hope, someone who'll take their hand and help them walk forwards.

Now, apparently, this fascist shitshow of a society has decided that it's actually just the patient rationally showing that they agree with the mainstream view of it being better for everybody if they just died off.

And you want me to be okay with this? Just go on like it's fine? Just act like this isn't personal? Just accept that not only should I let other people be killed, but that I, and everyone else in this fucked up little head of mine, would actually be better off dead ourselves?

I have no fucking words left.

[kneehab]

three months

I hit twelve weeks post op on Monday (two days ago), and I had my first round of isokinetic strength testing yesterday, so lots to catch up on documenting.

First, all the good (and there is lots of good!):

I don’t think about my knee at all, except when I’m at PT, someone asks about it, or I’m trying a new exercise or something at a higher weight in the gym. It occupies very little space in my head on a day to day basis.

I have full and equal range of motion! I have been at full extension since day 1 thanks to me not having hyperextension and due to the leg brace being locked straight, but I hit full knee flexion (about 155 degrees for me) at 8.5 weeks post op, so just after my last update was written. I can also fully sit on my heels kneeling.

I’ve started swimming. Not a ton, but around the beaches in Washington (it’s been so hot) and even in a pool at a gym I got a day pass for.

I’m walking and cycling tons now, sometimes walking upwards of 20,000 steps a day, which feels great.

I tested essentially equally on my functional testing. That includes things like a Y-balance test, where a PT measures how far you can touch your toe while standing on one leg at a time, things like that.

I don’t have any more pain behind my knee when flexing my quad.

Swelling is basically gone. Occasionally after a hard gym day or a really long walk I will get a tiny bit of swelling but it’ll be gone by the next morning.

I’ve started some basic plyometric/jumping/pre-running movements in PT! This includes gently bouncing up and down on your toes and softly landing from one leg onto the other. 

... And the tough.

Luckily, the tough is pretty minimal, but the main one is that I didn’t get the strength testing results I was hoping for. I’m at about 65% LSI, in other words, my left quad is about 65% as strong as my right. My PT says this is a solid number for where I am at in the recovery, but it’s hard not to be pretty disappointed as I need to be at 80% to run. But it’s helpful to have the clarity of where I’m at, and what my next steps need to be to hit my goals. My mission for this month is to work my quad hard, consistently, every other day, no excuses, so I can be as close to 80% as possible by my next round of testing at 4 months.

I think I might be struggling to eat enough protein, and also eating enough in general. I want to make this a focus of the next month, too. I can’t build a quad if I’m not giving it protein.

I’ve also just been struggling with a feeling of loss. I’m sad to be missing out on stuff still. Even though things are infinitely better than they were a month or two ago, I’m still not able to do many of the things I love. I can’t run, I can’t do aerial silks, I can’t do a triathlon, and that sucks because the season will be over by the time I could do so physically.

At the end of the day, things are pretty great. My graft is still there and strong, and I’m able to walk and hike and swim and be outside. I’m so grateful that the early stages of recovery are behind me, as I remember in those early days I just couldn’t imagine there would be a day again where I could just take a long walk without limping.

And I am really grateful for the good habits that the regimen of PT is teaching me. It’s building a gym habit. I never did very much squatting or strength training in general and was a bit of a “cardio queen”, so needing to do this to meet tangible goals is giving me the structure to develop discipline around strength training.

Onto the next month, and welcoming a mindset of growth and discipline, as well as a sense of joy in the small moments of new abilities.

[imagines-r-s]

sticking it - j. farabee

chapter 3

a/n: um, so, here’s this. enjoy it. there’s not much to say, just that this is super cute tbh and that farabee definitely knows his Megan :))

taglist: @butgilinsky​ @barbienoturbby​ @sunsetholland​ @lovenhlboys​ @sortagaysortahigh​ @hockey-racing-fubol​ @oopsiedoopsie23​ @iwantahockeyhimbo​ @bbbbruins​ (if you want to be added, just let me know)

warnings: fluff, this chapter has a lot to do with mental toughness of an athlete, swearing, nothing else i can think of

sticking it masterlist

wc: 3.0k

BZ: hey, i’m outside whenever you’re ready

You grabbed your gym bag and made your way downstairs, finding Joel standing outside his car holding a smoothie and granola bar, “I figured coffee might not be the best thing for you right before practice, so I’m hoping you like smoothies.” 

“You might be surprised how many times I made that mistake when I was younger,” you added walking closer to him, watching as he opened the door for you, “oh wow, a true gentleman.”

“I have to get on your good side. Especially if I want to see you in my jersey again,” he said before shutting your door, “do you have good music taste?”

“I like to think I do?”

“Ok, well you seem somewhat confident with that answer, so you can have aux if you want,” he handed over his phone that was already opened to Spotify. Unsure of what he would like, you decide to put on your pre-practice hype playlist that featured Kendrick Lamar, Childish Gambino, Chance the Rapper, and Meg Thee Stallion. 

Deciding to just hit shuffle, ‘Captain Hook’ by Megan Thee Stallion was the first to play. You expect Bee to just sit there and let you play your music without objection, but you were shocked when you heard him say, “real hot girl shit.”

“Do you know the whole song or just that?” but as he continued to sing the rest of the song, with the obvious censorship, you were shocked to say the least, “wasn’t expecting that one.”

“I love Meg, not even going to lie to you,” Joel said, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Don’t we all, don’t we all.”

Eventually the two of you made it to your gym, Joel bidding you a quick farewell and waited for you to get in the building before driving away. As soon as you entered the gym, you put your gym bag in your locker and joined Nicole and your other teammates on the floor. “Ok, ladies. For warm up today, we’ll be doing 15 minutes of running outside, two ab circuits, and two rope climbs. Nicole and y/n, we need to speak with you right after.” 

“Not the ‘Nicole and y/n, we need to speak with you’,” Nicole said, getting her running shoes on. 

“I’m more concerned about the cardio, babe,” you said, grabbing your running shoes from your gym bag. 

The two of you were the first ones to finish the run, doing your ab circuits and rope climbs as quickly as possible, and went straight to Michelle and Marcus. “Alright, so, your performances at the American Cup were amazing and we’re super proud of you both. But with there being about two months until the US Classics, we want to make sure both of you are practicing safe routines, and safe landings especially,” Marcus said. 

“Right now, we just want you two to get a few full out routines a week and marking the rest. Obviously, we will dedicate time to our dismounts and tumbling, etc., it’s just not safe to be going all out and overworking yourselves,” Michelle added,”Nicole, you’re free to go, you’ll be starting on bars with Coach Collins.” 

Once Nicole had left, both Marcus and Michelle looked towards you, Marcus being the first one to break the silence, “we assume you heard about Kathryn working the dismount?”

Simply nodding in response, Michelle quickly spoke up,”look, we’re going to be honest with you right now. There is a possibility she isn’t going to compete it and just posted it to scare you, but we do know that you have been cleared to work on twisting dismounts, we just want you to start off doing a single full and the highest you’ll go this week is double twists. We’ll continue working towards the triple and eventually the 3.5, but we’re going slow and most won’t be an actual landing.”

“We have a plan in place we think will work, but you have to follow the plan. It’ll only work if you agree to pace yourself correctly,” Marcus added. 

“So, we’ll start week 1 of 8, easing back into twisting. So, twisting drills, lots of twisting into the pit, but we stick with just doing fulls. Week 2 of 8, is going to be starting to work on twisting off the beam, we will just stick with 1-1.5 twists, maybe try a double, but nothing more. Week 3, is going to be getting doubles consistently, and maybe try a 2.5. Week 4, is consistent 2.5 twists and try more drills to get the triple twisting back. Week 5, we do the triples for real and getting them consistent. Week 6 will be working on getting back to doing 3.5 twisting. Week 7 and 8, will have less focus on beam and just work on getting everything else consistently in time for the Classic,” Michelle told you, showing the board that had all of this marked on there. 

“Keep in mind, we are just working on getting the dismount back, but that doesn’t mean you only do beam, we have to do other events, too. And you have to follow this plan, do you understand?”

“Yeah, I understand,” you replied. 

“Alright, today you start on floor and end on beam.” 

…..

The first week was easy enough, you were just doing drills that you had been doing since you were younger, but you knew these next two months would not be as easy as you wanted them to be. Eventually, you had to start working towards the actual dismount. With week two, it was a lot harder than you expected. Although you were doing a skill you had had for years, the idea of doing anything similar to what hurt you still scared you. 

Once you were able to get your single twists back consistently, it was onto adding more twists. By week three, you were working on double twists, which was something you used to do as warm-up and now here you were standing at the edge of the beam, unable to move towards the landing mat on the other side. You knew that if you didn’t get it at some point this week, it would push back the plan, which was something you couldn’t afford. 

Somehow you got past doubles and 2.5, working triples by week 5. Week 5 consisted of doing the dismount into the pit, which was something you were able to do, but you were stuck in the same spot as you moved onto week 6. 

At the start of week 6, Kevin took note of how you were getting home later than he was even after his practice. He took note that you seemed a lot less excited about going to practice, hardly talking to anyone, other than a few spare texts here and there. “Kev, you still planning on coming to the lake with us this weekend?” Carter asked, as the team headed back to the locker room. 

“Yeah, I think so. I have to make sure y/n/n is okay though. She’s been overworking herself again and we all know what happened last time she did that,” Kevin replied. He was familiar with how you were able to invest so much time into your sport, and although he was happy that you were able to after so long, he knew that it could be your downfall. 

“If she wants to take time off, there are enough rooms at the condo, she’s welcome to come. Plus, I’ll ask Teeks to bring Karly, so she has someone there,” Carter offered. 

Kevin appreciated the offer, but he still felt bad. This was a ‘guys’ weekend that had been planned months ahead of time, but he also knew it was an amazing option for you to come and be away from the gym. “Check with the other guys first. I would feel awful ruining the plans we have.”

“Yeah, of course, I’ll ask them as soon as I can and let you know,” Carter answered just as Nolan, Travis, Morgan, and Joel walked into the locker room. He quickly called them over, “Ok, so Kev noticed that y/n/n has been overworking herself and is worried about leaving her here, would it be cool if she came with us? I already offered, but he wanted to make sure it was cool with you guys.”

A series of yes’ echoed through the group. “I can see if Karly wants to come, too, just so y/n/n doesn’t have to deal with all of us by herself,” Travis added, “I can tell Beezer is a little bit too happy about this one.” The group turned towards Joel, who was now sporting a huge smile on his face. 

“Listen, I just like spending quality time with my team and their family. Team bonding, you know,” Joel replied. 

“Mhm, that’s definitely it,” Nolan said rolling his eyes, “don’t forget the PowerPoint.”

As Kevin left the rink, he checked the time and realized now was the time that you were usually at lunch, he decided to head to the gym to talk to Michelle and Marcus. “Ah, Kevin, it’s so good to see you. Congrats on a good season so far,” Marcus stood up from his desk to shake Kevin’s hand. 

“I need to ask something. I know y/n has been overworking and it’s concerning me. Now, I get if this might not be a mutual concern, but if it is, I wanted to ask if she could have the weekend off?” Kevin said. 

“Oh my god, please get her out of here. I know if we let her, she would sleep here, but right now, she needs to play it safe or else she’ll get hurt,” Michelle said as she walked through the office door towards the pair.

“Would the lake be playing it safe or no?”

“As long as she doesn’t follow after you and your friends, she’s making somewhat smart choices,” Marcus said. 

“That’s valid, I respect it. I’m coming to pick her up from here tomorrow morning during her private lesson with you guys,” Kevin said, to which both of your coaches nodded. 

After making some more small talk with your coaches, Kevin made his way back down to the parking lot, running into just the right person, “Nicole, I need a favor.”

“Oh, hey, Kev. How are you? I’m great, thank you for asking. What’s up?”

“Can you possibly sneak into y/n’s apartment tomorrow while she’s at her private lesson and pack her a bag for a four day trip to the lake?”

“Oh, thank God, you’re getting her out of here. And yeah, of course. She’ll get here at 7, so what time do you plan on leaving your place?”

“Well, she’s supposed to be here til 10, so I’ll leave at like 8:30, so just drop the bag off at mine?”

“Yeah, that works. I’ll see you then.”

…..

Shortly after you left for practice, Nicole made her way to your apartment. You had given her a spare, so she had a way in. She quickly grabbed all your hair stuff, a toothbrush and toothpaste, and then 5 outfits, 4 swimsuits, socks, shoes, and anything else she thought you might need. 

She made sure to water your plants before leaving towards Kevin’s apartment. Knocking on the door, Nolan was the one to answer, “Hey, Nic.”

“Hey, Nol. I come bearing gifts - well if you consider all my friends stuff I took from her apartment to give her a break from her stubborn self - then Merry Christmas.”

“Nicole, thank you so much. I owe you one,” Kevin said as he rounded the corner. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m here to help her out,” Nicole stated simply,”her chargers are in the side pockets and everything else is in the main part of the bag. Ok, I have to go now, have fun this weekend.”

Nolan and Kevin got the rest of their necessities together before jumping into Kevin’s car and heading to your gym. Michelle was the one to let the pair into the gym, having locked the doors for the private lesson. 

They took their time, watching as you were working on some drills with Marcus, but when Marcus’ eyes found Kevin’s he stopped what he was doing. “Hey, look. You’ve been working yourself a little bit too hard recently, so we’re letting you take this weekend off,” Marcus said, guiding you towards Nolan and Kevin. 

“I don’t need time off, I’m fine. I- what are they doing here?”

“You’re going with them to the lake for the weekend,” Marcus continued guiding you closer to them, knowing you would try to make a run for it. 

“Hey, y/n, we have a bag packed for you already, so c’mon,” Nolan said, calmly. 

“I’m not going,” you protested. 

“You’re going,” Kevin said, walking closer to you before picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder. Nolan picked up your gym bag from the ground and followed behind Kevin. 

“Guys, what the hell? This is like kidnapping or something?” 

“We love you,” you heard Michelle say as Kevin made his way out of the gym with you on his shoulder. As soon as you got to the car, Nolan opened the backseat doors and Kevin pushed you in there. You assumed that as soon as they left you would be able to just open the door and run, but you were quickly denied that option when you saw that the child locks were still on. 

“The child locks? Seriously?” 

“We knew you’d run. C’mon, your coaches said you needed to stop working so hard, so it’s not just us saying it. Now we have about a four hour drive, so I say either sleep or just go on your phone, but please just take this time off peacefully,” Kevin said. 

“How am I supposed to do this peacefully when you kidnapped me?”

“Ok, well, that sucks. But Karly is coming too, so you can rant to her when you get there.”

“Bee will be there, too,” Nolan interjected. 

“Thanks for the warning.”

“Don’t act all tough, sweetie. Not all of us are blind,” Nolan said, looking towards Kev. 

“I’m not blind, I just choose to ignore it,” Kevin replied. 

…..

“So, you and y/n, huh?” Karly asked Joel while Travis and Carter were over by the grill, Morgan still inside unpacking. 

“I mean I don’t know,” Joel responded honestly. 

“Do you want there to be?” Karly quickly took note of the slight blush and small smile that gathered on his face. 

“I wouldn’t object, if that says anything,”Karly laughed at the fact that both of you had similar responses to the same question, “what? Did I say something bad?”

“No, hun, no. You both are just a lot alike, that’s all. I think you’d be good for her though, she deserves something good in her life.”

“Yeah, I agree with you on that one,” Joel said, hearing his phone go off, “oh, guys, they’re here, but they need help with their bags.”

As the boys made their way outside to go help with bags, Karly waited inside for you to come in, only to see Kevin carrying your sleeping form with Joel following close behind with your bag. 

“Awe, babe. Did you see Bee carrying y/n/n’s bag? That’s so cute,” Karly said when Travis returned. 

“Awe, babe, how come you never carry my bag?” Travis said, only earning an elbow to the rib from Karly. 

“y/n has been out most of the way home, so we honestly don’t know when she’ll be up,” Nolan said, walking towards the pair. 

…..

Shortly after dinner was served, the group made their way close to the deck, Joel quickly finding a spot on the hammock after pushing Morgan off. Travis and Karly sitting near the edge of the water, Morgan sitting right next to the hammock near his best friend, and Nolan, Carter, and Kevin standing and talking. 

You had woken up in the familiar room of the condo, quickly changing into comfier clothes and attempting to find the others in the house. When you saw that the house was silent, you quickly came to the assumption that everyone was near the docks, so you got a bottle of water and made your way over there. 

“Ah, sleeping beauty has finally arrived,” Travis said, seeing you make your way towards the group.

“Fuck off, dude,” you yawned, “I was tired.”

“Awe, poor baby,” Joel said from the hammock, earning an eye roll from you. 

“Bee, you’re in my usual spot right now, I would watch it if I were you.”

“You’re free to join me,” he said, a smirk evident in his voice. 

“Oh, wow, the girls are fighting,” Morgan’s voice could be heard from beside the hammock. 

You eventually made your way over to the hammock after those on the deck started their conversation up again, “Bee, can I sit by you?”

“Awe, babe, I am going to need to speak up,” Joel said, cockily. 

“I’m not doing that again,” you said, walking towards the hammock and quickly pushing the hammock to the side, which caused him to fall out, “awe, babe, it looks like you fell.” 

You quickly got back up on the hammock, expecting him to push you over the way you did him, but were shocked when he simply laid right on top of you, his head on your chest and arms wrapping around you, “plot twist,” he said, softly. 

“Your face is in my boobs right now,” you stated, causing him to lift his head to look at you, you kept one of your feet towards the ground to keep the hammock moving. 

“Your heart started beating faster when I laid down, so either you’re about to have a heart attack or I make you nervous. But honestly, if you want me to move though, I will.” 

“No, no. You’re fine,” you spoke softly as he rested his head against your chest once more, your hand finding its way towards his head to play with his hair. 

“Hey, we are still over here by the way,” Kevin yelled towards you two. 

“Kev, stop. They’re adorable, let them be,” Karly quickly scolded him.

“I’m just going to move, so that way I’m not third wheeling again,” Morgan grumbled. 

[updatingranboo]

stream recap - 7/10/24

opening stream announcements!

ranboo will be updating new sub emotes after stream! the original artist lumi has remade some of the old emotes so ranboo is uploading those

hopefully updating monthly/bimonthly charities after stream as well

dnd tweet wasn't just to attract dnd nerds, ranboo IS working on something dnd related

also working on some cool genloss stuff, hoping to put out a surprise for the next ranboo day 07/26/24

the ranboowaslive channel workers are working on new shorts and videos, they're putting together a stockpile before uploading!

reminder of fallout fridays this friday! they will also be looking for a horror game to play saturday

small bittersweet moose update, due to moose's (ranboo's cat) heart condition (enlarged heart) he had to go to the vet today to have a little procedure. sadly due to the condition he could have a heart problem any day, but could also live for 5+ years beyond it. ranboo and moonzy have been spoiling him every day because of that <3

ranboo doesn't know if they're going to be able to keep to a stream schedule, but they're hoping to keep to streaming mondays/wednesdays/fridays/saturdays!

ranboo wants to add a fanart carousel to the starting soon screen! (with proper credit ofc) they're going to look mainly on twitter for art, but want to also look at tumblr and instagram for art too

they want to put together more game lobbies maybe, and are also possibly planning another ranbathon that might happen around the 4 year anniversary of them streaming!

rest of stream:

ranboo recaps everything wrong with their LA house (list posted here LMAO)

ranboo talks about a youtube series they've been thinking about making for a while now, called "this is why i" (or TIWI for short) it would be formatted like "this is why i love saw" "this is why i hate jigsaw" etc. they also hit a subgoal to make a review of the movie "longlegs" a few weeks after it comes out! they're making moonzy hold them accountable to actually make it lmao

moonzy has been working on an outfit for a miss beloved revamp, ranboo said they want to spend some time at the gym for a few months before they make another miss beloved video (they want to be a buff mom?? transition goals ig)

ranboo is also interested in adding more timestamps to vods! they're going to try to do it more often, like how the sims vod has chapters

rest of stream consists of chatting about random topics while playing cult of the lamb!

next stream: fallout friday episode 2 - 7/12/24

ranboo is LIVE! playing "cult of the lamb" :D

[title: "PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY"]

[thegazania5]

A How to Manual for Purchasing Condos For Sale

It's not difficult to become mixed up during the time spent tracking down another spot to live, there consistently is by all accounts such countless activities, aligned correctly a quick and simple move. This goes for purchasing condos for sale, leasing a better place, or purchasing a house. To make the moving system somewhat simpler, here are some basic strides to follow when choosing to purchase condos for sale.

1. Decide a financial plan

2. Get preapproved

3. Choose Preferences and Aversions

4. Make A Deal

Decide Your Spending plan

Choosing the amount to spend on the new home relies to a great extent upon your different bills, and pay. It's ideal to plunk down and think about every one of the bills you'll have in your new home. Aside from the home loan costs there will in any case be your utilities, amusement, and so forth A famous pattern in condos that are more current spaces is discovering green structures. More individuals are attempting to protect energy, and green structures will in general offer sunlight powered chargers, proficient apparatuses, and other green living thoughts that help with safeguarding energy. Whenever keen on discovering green structures you might need to spending plan for somewhat more expense, as they will in general be a smidgen more costly because of the innovation in question, notwithstanding how your month to month utility expenses might be lower. To wrap things up financial plan for expenses for convenience support, this is typically an ostensible, yet month to month cost, yet part of living in a complex.

Get Pre-Endorsed

Getting pre-endorsed is typically a fast and simple cycle that should be possible generally via telephone. In the event that you as of now work with a particular bank hit them up and express revenue in hearing their loan costs for contracts on condos for sale. Have a go at calling significant home loan banks also, assuming you need to get the most reduced rates conceivable. When you have a decent loan cost offer, feel free to apply. The desk work can normally be finished by fax. Pre-endorsement is a decent advance to take before beginning to take a gander at condos in light of the fact that once you observe one to be the sale can close a lot quicker. At the point when you are pre-endorsed, a deal can be made on the spot before any other individual can take it from under you, or go into an offering war.

What Do You Like With regards to Current Spaces?

There end up being a ton of conveniences to browse when purchasing a condominium, particularly in the more current spaces. Conveniences like security, committed stopping, diversion, gyms, social exercises, and pools are turning out to be more famous. Present day spaces with a great deal of room and effective apparatuses are regularly sought after too. Before choosing to purchase a particular condominium, set aside the effort to check out a few so you can recognize the provisions you need, or don't need.

Making A Deal

Since you have discovered the spot you need, the time has come to make a deal. This ought to be generally simple on account of the pre-endorsement from a higher place. Odds are the asking cost will be somewhat higher than whatever they will acknowledge, so remember that. Generally a decent hopping off arrangement cost is around 90% of the asking cost. From here the proprietor can raise it as a component of exchanges, yet this way the cost isn't too low to even consider diverting them off all along, and the end cost will be reasonable for the two players. find more information The Gazania

When the proposition has been made, and exchanges are finished, there will come time for an end, and you get information concerning when you can move in. While it requires some investment, when the legalities are dealt with, you'll have an excellent new home to move into, with undeniably less obligation and stress than most other living game plans. It's an ideal opportunity to at long last partake in your new home.

[softbiker]

Bucky Barnes Oneshot

Warnings: a couple of bad words

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: After being injured on a mission, Bucky winds up spending a day with the Avengers newest recruit. Bucky x Reader

A/N: This is my submission for @nacho-bucky ‘s writing challenge! My prompt was ‘the smell of freshly baked bread’. As a side note, I drank a whole pot of coffee yesterday and wrote this in one afternoon, so it’s also unedited :) As always, let me know what you think! 

By the time the quinjet is an hour out from New York, Bucky Barnes is in an irredeemably foul mood.

Breaking up terror cells in Germany was supposed to be an easy mission - in and out, with the practiced ease of their well-oiled strike team. Really, they took the mission to spare German special forces the trouble...that, and a potential connection to an old Red Room contact of Natasha’s. With their “dream team” (Sam’s words, not Bucky’s) of Cap, Bucky, Sam, and Natasha, this should have been a light op, a scrimmage, Nerf ball.

Turns out superheroing is a contact sport, and they’ve got the bombs and broken ribs to prove it. A train station, a decoy, and an explosive device Natasha failed to disarm. With Sam coordinating civilian evacuation, there had only been a couple dozen injuries, but the suspect had slipped away, leaving them bruised and empty-handed.

Bucky had taken a brutal hit as he pulled Nat to safety, and now he is curled in his seat on the jet, metal hand holding his ribcage. He watches Steve scowl in the cockpit, jaw unflinchingly tight as he goes over the mission in his head. The captain doesn’t know how to let things go - never has, never will. Sam is actually piloting the quinjet, making unreturned small talk about a basketball game he went to last weekend. Natasha sits across from Bucky, a Stark tablet in her hands, dissecting bomb schematics and diagrams of diffusion techniques. There’s a little scab of dried blood on her bottom lip that she pokes at with her tongue, red brows lowered in concentration.

Bucky is exhausted - his hair smells like dust and smoke, his mouth is tangy and dry. There’s dried sweat underneath his uniform and he itches and his feet are hot in his boots and his ribs really fucking hurt. He lets his head fall back against the seat, and wishes they were home already.

**********

She pops her head up over the back of the couch when she hears them. What a sight they make: Bucky, propped up on Steve’s shoulder, Natasha dust-covered and buried in her tablet, Sam still sweaty and tugging at the harness on his suit. She still smiles, tentative but kind.

“Hi guys.” She lifts her fingers in a little wave. “Everyone okay?”

Bucky grunts in response; Natasha says nothing, making a beeline for her room and a shower. Sam, without doubt the most talkative person on the team, props himself on a stool and blows a harsh breath past his lips.

“We’re alright, yeah,” he sighed. “Barnes is a little beat up but he’ll get over it - he’s just  dramatic.”

“Fuck you, too, Wilson.” Bucky flips Sam off over his shoulder as they hobble towards the elevators.

She winces, not yet used to their harsh banter.

“Hey man, be nice in front of the rookie, alright?” Sam hollers, mock-offended. “You’re creating a hostile work environment!”

Steve chuckles a little at that, jostling Bucky’s tender ribs, which makes him scowl at his best friend.

“Bucky is a hostile work environment,” Steve deadpans. They’ve reached the elevator, and shuffle inside, turning to face the common room. Bucky catches the rookie’s eyes as she giggles behind her hand.

“She’s fine,” he rolls his eyes, sparing a wink for the rookie. “When I make it hostile, bird brain, you’ll know.”

The elevator doors close, and he leans on Steve a little heavier, and jabs his elbow into Steve’s stomach.

“Thanks a lot for that, by the way,” he huffs.

“What?” Steve feigns innocence, and very poorly. “Didn’t know you were so worried about making a good impression on the rookie.”

“I’m - I’m not.”

“Uh huh.”

“Shut up.”

They meet Dr. Banner in the medical wing where his lab adjoins the clinic; Sam had messaged him half an hour ago that they were inbound with a broken supersoldier, and Bruce had taken the liberty of setting up some of his supplies. Of all the doctors on staff, Bucky favored Dr. Banner - he was mild and soft-spoken enough to not trigger Bucky’s anxiety, in spite of the needles and IV drips and the snapping of latex gloves.

An X-ray and some bandages later, Bucky is removed from the active duty list for two weeks.

“Even with your advanced healing factor, I wanna be careful with this,” Bruce says, taking off his glasses to scratch the side of his nose. “I mean, your medical history is a little blurry, to say the least - and with all the shit HYDRA pulled, who knows what kind of stress your bones have been through before.” He taps away on his tablet, notifying FRIDAY and the admin system to remove Bucky from the roster. “In the meantime, take it easy - no missions, no training, no lifting weights. Probably avoid the motorcycle, too. I’ll check on them again in two weeks, and we’ll go from there.”

Steve is nodding - he never leaves Bucky by himself in medical - and crosses his arms. Neither of them have changed out of their uniforms yet, and in this sterile observation room, Bucky can finally smell the layers of grime and sweat clinging to them. His nose wrinkles when he gets a little whiff of himself, feeling bad for the nurse who bandaged his ribs.

“Oh I almost forgot -” Bruce turns around and reaches for something on his lab bench. A little blue bottle, full of round white pills. “Here. I developed these for the two of you - since you metabolize normal painkillers so quickly, I figured we might need something that would work in the event you sustain heavy injuries which…well, seemed likely. Take 2 every 4 hours, okay?”

His metal fingers grip the little bottle, rattling the tablets inside.

“Sure thing, doc.”

**********

She lifts the hem of her shirt, wiping at the sweat on her forehead, and leans against the wall of the gym. Her breath comes in short pants as her chest heaves, trying to cool down from her last bout with Agent Romanoff.

“Heads up.”

Her hands barely make it up in time to catch the flying water bottle headed for her face.

“Good catch,” Romanoff smirks a little. She’s sweating, too, but in a way that’s decidedly more sexy, little red curls hanging by her face. She looks fresh from a Pilates class, not a suicide workout - the rookie can feel the heat of her own face, the sweat drenching her clothes, and knows she’s not nearly as glowing as her trainer.

“You did really good today,” Romanoff continues. She keeps saying to call her “Natasha” but that is so hard to do with a woman so intimidating her alias is one of the world’s deadliest animals. “Really good. You’ve shown tons of improvement since we started. I’m going to recommend we start letting you shadow on missions in a couple more weeks.”

“Wow, really?” Her face lit up in spite of her exhaustion.

“Sure.” Natasha smiles. “I know it’s gotten a little boring, having you go through all of this.”

“Boring” was an understatement. Despite having a few years of experience under her belt - well, according to Tony Stark, vigilantism barely counts as “experience” - the rookie was assigned to a training program for her first couple of months on the team.

“Too much of a risk to put you in the field right away,” Stark had rattled off, handing her forms to sign and an official t-shirt (‘Look Mom! I’m an Avenger!’) and a tablet with a map of the compound. “Legal says we can avoid liability issues with a training program before we gradually phase you in, and I’m inclined to agree, so! Welcome to the team, but not officially!”

Her days consisted of early morning workouts, followed by combat and tactical training with Black Widow herself, and then...well, not much. There was research, of course, and she stayed on top of the intelligence briefings with the rest of the team. She went to meetings and official dinners and unofficial karaoke nights, but the rest of her time was mostly her own. Frankly, she was chomping at the bit to get back out there, in the action. Helping people.

“Well, hopefully it’ll pay off,” she sighs, giving Agent Romanoff an exhausted smile. “I wouldn’t want to be the weak link on the team.”

“You won’t be, believe me,” Natasha shakes her head. With a glance at her watch, she picks up her own water bottle and heads for the door. “Now I’ve gotta run, Skype meeting with Fury in 5. I’ll see you later, Rookie!”

**********

Bucky Barnes was feeling good.

Like, damn good.

Like, ‘Banner should label his controlled substances’ good.

Thing is, post-HYDRA and post-fugitive and post-cognitive reconstruction therapy, Bucky was more mentally okay than he had been in decades. He had the occasional rough day, and he definitely wasn’t perfect by any means, but with the shrinks that Stark had on retainer, he was getting better at dealing with it all. His physical health, however, was more of a moving target. In spite of receiving a bastardized supersoldier serum, he had been pumped full of so much other shit and gone through so much physical stress that his body had fundamentally shifted equilibrium. Multiple appointments with Dr. Cho and Shuri revealed that his chronic pain may never fully heal - if it did, it would be a very gradual process. Normal painkillers in reasonable doses did nothing for him, so Bucky settled in to his discomfort, carrying it the way he carried his knives and his scars - always.

24 hours into his medical leave, a few doses of pills down, and he couldn’t feel a single ounce of pain in his body - he shifted his awareness to each part of himself, like that guided meditation thing Wanda did sometimes, and he couldn’t find the pain, not even lurking behind the muscle and metal. He might be a little miffed at being off the active duty roster, but if his whole vacation is going to feel like this? Well, he doesn’t mind to let Steve handle the next threat to world peace.

With his schedule suddenly wide open, Bucky wonders what he’ll do with his day. He can’t remember the last time he truly had nothing to do - it’s an exciting prospect. So he lets himself ease through his morning, sleeping in, long hot shower, slipping on those plush Black Widow pajama pants Nat gave him as a gag gift. He knows everyone else will have had their breakfast and moved on to morning briefings and training drills by now, and he wanders down to the kitchen in the hopes that they’ve left him some coffee.

He sees her there, perched on a stool at the island and frowning at the tablet in her hand. There’s a little scrunch to her nose when she does that, he notices.

“Good morning,” he says softly, trying and failing not to startle her.

“Oh, hey Bucky,” she smiles, watches him round the island to the coffee pot on the counter. “I didn’t see you there.”

“S’okay. I’m quiet.”

“You didn’t get tapped for the recovery mission? They’re going after your suspect from Berlin again, I think.”

“Oh, I’m off missions for two weeks.” He turns, giant ‘Don’t forget to be awesome’ mug gripped in his metal hand. “Banner’s orders. You didn’t hear about my smashed ribs?”

“Oh no, I guess not - are you okay?” Suddenly she’s concerned, and a little sheepish. “Sorry, I’m still a little out of the loop I guess.”

He feels guilty for that - she’s eager, bright, kind, a brilliant recruit. But it can take a while before you’re ‘in’ with the team. Not because they exclude her, but, well - a group made up of outsiders has a hard time adding new faces to the mix.

“Don’t apologize. Not your fault.” Bucky digs around in a jar on the counter for a few sugar packets, dumping them into his mug. “Anyways, I’m off the roster for now. Gotta figure out something to do with myself, I guess.”

Her smile is slow, ducked under pretty lashes - he really needs to stop noticing these things.

“Would you - I mean, you can hang out with me if you want?” She chews on her lip. “I’m done for today - my training with Natasha ended early and they didn’t need me in on the briefing so…”

The rookie was lonely - he could see that, anyone could. The fact is, between their own training and missions, it had been a little hard for the team to spend very much time with her. Bucky himself was often a bit of a loner in his free time, preferring to hole up in his room with books and movies rather than go out for drinks or another karaoke night. And yet, he found himself feeling eager at the thought of spending a relaxing day with the new recruit, getting to know her a little, hearing that funny little laugh through her nose.

“Sounds great, Rookie - what did ya have in mind?”

**********

“Okay, I just wanna go on the record and say I called it. I called it!” She’s grinning. “I knew you would love this.”

“Well, hey, in my defense, I’ve never hated beautiful women.”

She just rolls her eyes, kicks her feet out to rest on the coffee table in front of them. There’s a pile of DVD’s, all hers, laying across the surface, picked through and ranked in order of what was most important for Bucky to see. His film education was obviously lacking, considering he missed out on 70 years of movies, and didn’t even know what he liked anymore, so he was content to let her pick. After raiding the kitchen for an array of snacks, they settled in, opposite ends of the same couch with a bowl of popcorn and dark chocolate M&M’s between them.

Approximately 20 minutes into the movie, Steve appears, just passing through for an apple from the fridge. He stops in his tracks behind the couch, the crunch of the fruit in his mouth just above their heads.

“What is this?” he says around his mouthful. If his Ma could see him now, Bucky thinks.

“It’s called ‘How to Marry a Millionaire’ - came out in 1953,” she answers, smiling over her shoulder at him. “It’s one of my favorites honestly.”

“That’s - that’s Lauren Bacall!” Steve perks up, smacking Bucky’s shoulder.

“Yeah, punk,” Bucky rolls his eyes. “Betty Grable’s in it, too.”

“No shit!” Steve is grinning now, and he gives the rookie a conspiratorial look. “Y’know, Bucky used to have her pin-up poster. The one in the white bathing suit? Had it in his suitcase when he shipped out.”

“Oh, really?” She’s looking at him now, eyes sparkling at the rosy blush climbing up Bucky’s cheeks. “Betty Grable, huh?”

He clears his throat. “Well, everybody had that picture, I mean...it’s famous for a reason. All the boys had ‘em.”

“No, no, I get that,” she shrugs. “I just had you pegged as more the Rita Hayworth type, that’s all.”

It takes him back for a second, Steve too, that she knows these starlets, that they could’ve been having this same conversation 75 years ago. He can see that look in Steve’s eyes, sly and knowing as they slide towards him. Bucky works his mouth, tries to control his smile.

“Well, nothing wrong with her either,” he drawls, spreading his arms along the back of the couch. “But did you see Grable’s legs?”

“I just thought you might’ve had a thing for redheads!” she laughs.

“They’re alright, I guess - now Dugan on the other hand…”

Neither of them notices Steve leave the room, tossing the apple in his hand and a huge dopey grin on his face.

**********

“Tell me again what the recipe says?”

“One cup of pumpkin puree.”

“Oh - shit, I thought you said one can.”

She smacks her forehead. “No wonder the batter is so goopy!” She rolls her eyes playfully. “You’re trying to ruin my bread, Barnes.”

“I swear I’m not, doll - it was an accident.”

“Okay, new plan - we just make a double batch since the can has two cups in it.”

She shuffles around behind him, grabbing her flour and sugar and sour cream and other ingredients, hands flurrying to measure and fix the dough. It’s mid-afternoon now, a couple of movies down, and they (she) decided they needed to get in the fall spirit by baking a ridiculous amount of...breads. The banana bread is already in the oven, the pumpkin will be on its way as soon as she fixes his mistake, and a blueberry bread (made from muffin mix) is next on the list.

“But...what’s so special about making it into breads?” He had asked, causing her to look at him like an idiot.

“Ask me that again after you try them, Bucky.”

So he shut up and cracked eggs and sifted flour, stirring when her arm got tired. He was already regretting his words now that the smell of the banana bread was drifting towards him from the ovens, and he had to admit the pumpkin and cinnamon from her bowl was making his stomach growl. With all the bowls and measuring cups laying around, they were making enough sweet breads to feed an army, but hey - the Avengers are practically a small army of their own. And besides, Bucky intends on taking an entire loaf - baker’s privilege.

He decides that he likes watching her work, bouncing around the kitchen, some oldies playlist on the speakers, her tongue poking out between her lips. She’s got her sweater sleeves pushed up over her elbows - he had to help with that, after she got dough on them. This song is good, too, and he wants to ask her who wrote it-

“Are you gonna stand there staring at me, or are you gonna help?” she quips over her shoulder. He has no idea when he last smiled so much.

“You’re the boss, Rookie.”

**********

She’s got her feet in his lap now, and they haven’t said a word in an hour, and Bucky doesn’t even remember taking his last dose or two of his pain pills but he doesn’t feel a goddamn thing.

There’s a huge book in her lap, Stephen King - a favorite, he’s learned.

“I read at least one of his books every year in October,” she tells him. “You know, to get ready for spooky season.”

“Spooky season? What the hell is that?”

“You know, Halloween time!” she smacks his arm. “It’s Halloween first, Buck, you gotta get in the spirit.”

“I’m -” he sputters, face drawn in the most adorably confused look. “Halloween first?”

She hands him a book of his own and now here they are - he’s 20 pages into The Shining, but he’s stopped paying attention because she’s yawning behind her book and her eyes are fluttering shut, and it shouldn’t be as distracting as it is.

He forces his eyes down to his own page, to Jack Torrance and haunted hotels, but they’re drawn back up when her book finally drops the rest of the way to her lap. Her head slumps sideways onto the back of the couch, mouth open just a little. He draws the blanket down around her feet and tucks it in a little tighter, but other than that, doesn’t move a muscle. He’s just fine right here, thank you.

He’s sinking in again, driving up the twisting mountain road to the Overlook, when his phone buzzes in his pocket. Carefully - in the way highly trained superspies can be careful - he lifts his hips up and pulls his phone from his pocket, managing not to dislodge her feet or wake her up. She merely sighs in her sleep, nuzzling her face into the couch pillow. A text notification from team group message lights up the screen.

It’s Natasha. A photo, a photo which she somehow managed to take without him knowing, of him and the rookie, practically snuggling on the couch and reading together. Her legs are propped over his lap, and Bucky’s eyes are staring straight at her over the top of his book. Nat has captioned the photo: “looks like Barnes found a good nurse.”

He snorts a little. Natalia. Glances up at her, still sleeping, and tilts his phone upwards a few degrees and snaps a picture to send back.

“She sleeps on the job” he types, thumbs still slow on the phone keyboard. Instantly, his phone starts buzzing with more texts from the team, but he mutes it and lays his phone on the coffee table. He doesn’t feel like talking now. Well, talking to them.

“Hey...Rookie,” he whispers, reaching out and shaking her shoulder a little. She hums in her sleep, but makes no other move.

“Rookie, I gotta ask you something.” He wiggles her leg a little, shaking her feet in his lap, and whispers her name. He’s rewarded with her eyes fluttering open, her mouth drawn down in a pout at being woken up.

“Whatisit,” she sighs, still slumped into the cushions. He clears his throat. Here goes nothing.

“So, there’s a charity gala for the Stark Foundation coming up next weekend,” he starts bravely. “And - and the whole team is going anyway, so I know you’re gonna be there, but - well, maybe you would consider going...with me?” Courage runs out, and his brain backpedals. “I mean, just as a friend?”

She huffs. “I can’t believe you woke me up for that.”

“Oh.” He looks down, hair falling in his eyes. “So...you don’t want to go with me?”

“Of course I’ll go with you, Barnes,” she sighs. “Now shush. I was napping”

His face hurts from the stretch in his cheeks when he smiles. He’s gonna give Bruce those pain meds back.

[chicagocityfclanspromoblog]

Sam Thompson → Joe Manganiello → Moose

→ Basic Information

Age: 227

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Straight

Born or Made: Born

Birthday: April 26th

Zodiac Sign: Taurus

Religion: Christian

→ His Personality (one to two paragraphs)

→ His Personal Facts

Occupation: Broker and External Liaison and Board Member

Scars: Scratches and Bite marks from his kids and other members of the clan

Tattoos: None

Two Likes: Sports Cars and Rough housing

Two Dislikes: Silent Films and “Trendy” home finishes

Two Fears: Poison and Dishonoring his family name

Two Hobbies: Weight lifting and Golfing

Three Positive Traits: Macho, Perceptive, Disciplined

Three Negative Traits: Vindictive, Uncharitable, Argumentative

→ His Connections

Parent Names:

Sterling Thompson (Father): Sterling was one of the original Board Members. He was the last one standing between Garland Fields and the leadership position. He lost, and the shame followed him the rest of his life. Behind closed doors, Sterling preached to Sam about the importance of taking Chicago back and made Sam promise to continue their legacy the night he died. Sam wants to live up to all of his father’s hopes.

Charlotte Thompson (Mother): Charlotte was a good mother and was alive long enough to see Rhett born. She cared about Sam and wanted him to live his life for himself, not Sterling. She often calmed him down whenever his anger would get the best of him.

Sibling Names:

None

Children Names:

Rhett Thompson (Son): Rhett is 12 going on 30. He reminds Sam a lot of himself growing up. It is Rhett’s first year in middle school, he has taken up football and golfing while keeping his grades up. Sam is very proud and excited for his son.

Delilah ‘Dee’ Thomson (Daughter): Delilah has just turned 10 years old and is Ford’s twin sister. It was a long and hard process for Dee, giving up having Rhett in the same school, making it a tougher transition year for Sam. Dee is naturally curious and nearly drove Sam insane asking for her mother when Mattie was killed. She reminds him too much of Mattie. If it wasn’t for Patrick, Sam doesn’t think he could be the father she needed at the time. She loves her Uncle Pat.

Ford Thompson (Son): Ford has just turned 10 years old and is Delilah’s twin brother. Ford has always been easier to deal with. Delilah has always been more outspoken while Ford stood back and watched the room. Ford prefers to sit in a corner and read all day. Sam usually has to drag him away from his book and is regretting replacing one of their hallway closets for a miniature library.

Savannah Thompson (Daughter): Savannah is Sam’s little angel and is currently 8 and a half years old. Sam wants nothing but the best for all of his children but he worries about Savannah sometimes. She is sweet and innocent, all rainbow, unicorns and butterflies but Sam doesn’t have the heart to give her a reality check.

Jasper Thompson (Son): Jasper was barely walking or talking when Mattie was taken from them. Jason remained shifted for weeks as if he felt her being taken from them. It took time and patience for Jasper to change back but Sam’s smiling toddler never returned. Nearly four years later and starting Elementary school, Jasper is the most aggressive and dangerous child Sam has ever met. He had to remove him out of his classes just two weeks in to start homeschooling him.

Romantic Connections:

Mattie Thompson (Late Wife): Life is cruel and Sam has always known that but when he met Mattie, he believed his world was changing for the best. It was everything Sam joked and teased other members of his pack that were mated about. At one point Sam lost all interest in challenging Clara. Mattie was young but she loved him and they were married quickly. She even blessed him with a son within a year of their marriage, twins two years laters, and two more within the span of five years. Unfortunately, Mattie only ever felt comfortable in her shifted form when pregnant, and developed a case of hypershift extraordinarily young. Sam had barely come to terms with it when the other Board Members ordered her to be put down. The only one who tried to stand with him was Eliza, but they were ultimately overruled by the others and the law. Clara ultimately fulfilled the sentence and killed her 4 years ago. Sam has had to pour all his love for Mattie into their children in order to keep hanging on.

Platonic Connections:

Patrick Perry (Best Friend): Patrick has been a good friend of his for decades, and is like an uncle to his kids. They hang out nearly every weekend as well as every holiday, and he considers him to be his closest confidante. It was Patrick who stopped him from attacking Clara after Mattie���s death and the one who has kept him pushing through. His kids refer to Patrick as Uncle Pat.

Eliza Meyers (Good Friend): Eliza has consistently been the only one in his corner. She was close to Mattie and introduced the two, and he doesn’t know where his life would have been without her. They work together in real estate and in the boardroom, playing off of one another’s strengths and supporting the other’s weaknesses. His kids refer to Eliza as Auntie El or Aunt Eliza.

Taye Black (Friend): Taye has a no nonsense personality that Sam enjoys. Taye can easily drop friendships and fire personnel without a blink of an eye; which Sam admires. They both share the job as clan heavies liaison. While Sam deals with the local supernatural clans, Taye focuses on finding and placing matches for endangered heavies or for those who are willing to have hybrids.

Asa Fields (Old Friend): Asa and Sam grew up as brothers, and stayed like that. He never seemed to have the same issues with Asa as he did Clara, despite them being raised the same. However, he does think Asa has no claim to any council seat, or at least not a legitimate one. He’s hoping that by getting Asa to attempt to overthrow his sister, he’d willingly hand off the responsibilities of head to Sam, and live out the rest of his life doing whatever. Sam is trying to gauge how the relationship is between the two to see if that’d work.

Latasha Mist (Friend): Sam is supportive of Cece and Latasha’s change and sees the advantages of having them on their side. He has tried to come up with multiple solutions that wouldn’t result in their deaths but has yet to find one.

Cecilia ‘Cece’ Mist (Friend): Sam has been supportive of Cece’s change, even before her mother offered millions of dollars for the change. The couple has been together for over three year and the entire pack knows of their relationship. Sam believes further delay of the inevitable is bad for their entire clan and other local supernatural clans.

Jalen Martinez (Friendly): Sam thinks that Jalen has made a great choice by choosing Cece. While Sam communicates with Cece and Latasha more, Jalen has his full support. The couple has been together for over three year and the entire pack knows of their relationship. Sam believes further delay of the inevitable is bad for their entire clan and other local supernatural clans.

Ellis Watts (Old Friend): Sam and Ellis used to party hard in the 20s together. Ellis had a wild streak and the two would race cars, bikes, and boats with one another. They’ve still maintained the friendliness, though both have grown up.

Percy McCormick III (Old Acquaintance): Percy grew up around the same time as Clara, Sam, and Asa. Even back then he had a knack of trying to trick the three of them with lies. His dad always had the biggest and best of everything, and their clan always seemed to be growing. Sam and Asa ditched him quickly as they grew up, but Clara tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s done alright for himself, and Sam speaks to him as a liaison now.

Sol Alfaro (Old Friend): Sol shares many of his frustrations with his own clan head, and he has been girding himself to challenge Isaac again.

Michael Shaw (Acquaintance): They often hit the gym together on weekends.

Hostile Connections:

Clara Fields (Hate): Clara and Sam grew up like siblings; both nearly the same age and constantly around one another. However, as they grew up the differences between the Fields and Sterlings became obvious. The Fields had best picks of lands and businesses and were starting to make their money hand over fists. They also had final say on every issue, as was mandated by the agreement, and were using it to their benefit. Eventually the wealth of the Fields began to trickle down to them until they were in as good of a position, and Sterling forced a vote to create joint businesses, whose money was pooled and equally distributed to the Board Members. Things began to settle into something comfortable and profitable for all when Garland kicked the bucket. Sterling and the other leaders assumed it was finally his time, but Clara took up the helm and snatched power before anyone else could call for a fair fight. Sterling died not too long after from Hypershift and Sam took his spot. Then started the constant back and forth between the two of them. Always, always opposed, Clara and Sam began a dance of intrigue and backstabbing, trying to get the other to falter. Then the economy collapsed and Real Estate died in its tracks. Clara and the rest of them were bleeding money and had no place to turn. She thought of the vampires and came back with an offer of their blood. Initially they all refused, but had no other options. Either let their clan dissolve or sacrifice what they needed to. He was the first person to stand behind her and support the call. He regrets it to this day, and it’s his main reason for wanting her out of the Leader’s seat. He has been working for decades to plant seeds of doubt into the various members of their clan, so when he takes over it’s well received.

Michael Johansen (Hate): Michael was the leader of the Alaska clan who merged with their clan a few months ago. Their numbers were too low to sustain themselves and the Chicago clan was the only one that had the most potential matches. As soon as Sam met Michael, he had an air around him that reminded him of  Clara’s father, Garland Fields. Sam has been on defense around him and doesn’t trust Michael one bit.

Scorpius Getta (Hate): Scorpius Getta made a blood deal with them in exchange for money during the Great Recession. They needed to stay afloat so the entire Board agreed to it. They assumed they could pay him back the loan with interest, but he just wants money. In his dreams, Sam kills Getta and all his cronies.

Petra Chak (Hate): She enjoys the humiliation of the board members as they go down to have their blood drained. She’d be the one he’d kill if he had a chance to, after Getta.

Ezra Schultz (Hate): He expected Ezra to be on his side, and was shocked that he ruled to have her killed. His archaic ideas of “justness” are ridiculous and shouldn’t be used when lives are at stake.

Hollis Sony (Hate): Hollis stabbed him in the back when she voted that Mattie had to die. She’d always been on Clara’s side and he thought she might have sympathy for him, but was proven very wrong. He’ll never forgive her.

Pets:

None

→ History (paragraph(s) on background) → The Present (paragraph(s) on how the character connects to the plot)

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Joe Manganiello (Sam Thompson) [1][2][3][4]

[rigelmejo]

I was looking up how long it takes to learn Chinese. I found the usual FSI estimate of 2200 hours. 

tldr: I think roughly 4 years for most people who are determined and just study a reasonable amount is probably the most achievable estimate of how long its gonna take. With some partial-proficiency earlier on, depending what you’re studying and developing at the time. And maybe 2 years if you really are studying 5+ hours a day but I have not seen many real life examples of people who study chinese this much. 

much longer version: 

(This is all based on the FSI suggestion of 2200 hrs to learn chinese to proficiency, and I’m mostly just turning ideas in my head so if you’re into something like concrete and proven please look up this stuff and see what’s out there, this is mainly just my contemplation about all of it as it relates to my goals/experience and what I’ve heard from some other experiences)

Lets say that’s the minimum amount of hours study you need. Since there’s been a lot of debate from actual learners studying, as to whether they can really pick up enough in the FSI required hours to be B2 or C1. 

I’m going to use 2200 hours though. Now, sources that use FSI usually like to break that down to like ‘days or months or years it will take based on studying either 5 hours a day in a class, 8 hours a day partially in a class and partially in homework, or maybe 10 hours a day.’ In the articles people wrote based off the 2200 hr estimate from FSI, the articles liked to base their suggestions of months or years it will take based on them assuming people will study 5-10 hours a day.

I wanted to make a little estimate for those of us who are way more casual then that, or have way less time in a day to study. Or maybe even who do study a lot, but don’t think all of it is ‘quality’ study and so want to estimate how long it will take us to learn if we assume we study ‘less’ per day. 

2200 hrs/365 days a year = around 6 hours. So, theoretically, if you study Chinese 6 hours a day you’ll be proficient in a year. A year seems like a pretty short amount of time... but maybe it is possible, I haven’t met anyone who’s had the time to do it 6 hrs a day, maybe they do make progress fast. 

2200 hr/730 days = around 3 hours. So if you study 3 hours a day, it should take 2 years. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone who learned spoken and writing proficiency in Chinese in 2 years. Again, maybe it is possible though, if the learner has a lot of quality study time in those 3 hours a day. Or if a learner has maybe a class supporting/guiding them that goes through a lot in 2 years, along with 1-2 hours of the learner’s own study outside of a class. I could imagine a college chinese studier who goes through several chinese semesters progressively and also studies in some spare time, might be able to hit proficiency in 2 years. 

This estimate though... it makes me wonder if the 2200 hr suggestion is underselling how much time it takes to learn chinese. However... I will give it this - I probably study roughly 3 hours on average sometimes, and I do think I might be able to pass HSK 6 within 2 years. It took a little under a year to hit HSK 4 knowledge for me. So if a learner is gauging proficiency based on HSK (or maybe some similarly designed standard test to measure), then 2 years seems possible. Likewise, 6 hours a day if aiming for a specific test measure, seems possible.  I personally am aiming for ability to have conversations, discussions through text, read novels, watch shows. Based on my experience so far, I would say HSK gets you pretty far, but there are things you may need to learn in order to do this stuff that isn’t strictly taught within HSK levels (for me it’s been just, reading skills and vocab that’s novel specific instead of more life-task specific, and weibo specific stuff etc). 

2200 hrs/1095 days = about 2 hours. So about 2 hours of study, for 3 years, in order to reach proficiency. I think this one is the closest to realistic for most people. And I think depending on how proficiency is being gauged/measured, its realistic for some people. If 2 quality study hours per day on average are being done, I think HSK 6 would definitely be passable in 3 years. (That’s what I’m basing my estimates of how long it will take me to know enough for HSK 6 - accounting for me not always studying as much, accounting for me prioritizing other things over HSK content sometimes). Since HSK 4 can take about a year of consistent study to get to, then if you give yourself a year each for HSK 5 and 6, then roughly 3 years seems realistic. Now, because each HSK seems to get bigger then the last, you might give yourself 1 year to cover HSK 5 content, and 2 years to cover HSK 6 content - so 4 years total of study. 

Which brings me to the last estimate - how about 4 years total of study? From what I’ve seen online, for a large portion of people who are taking studying chinese as a serious goal, they’re taking about 4 years at minimum to DO what I would consider tasks that indicate proficiency - being able to read (many of them with a dictionary),  being able to have varied conversations and follow conversations, being able to have discussions and write decent amounts to express something, to watch shows. Some of them seem to have some struggles in some areas - like they wish their pronunciation was better, or can type but not write as well, or reading is harder or listening is a bit harder but they CAN do the task with a dictionary aid or some guesswork/some lost comprehension of the material. 2200 hours to learn chinese/1460 days in 4 years = about 1.5 hours of quality study a day on average. 

IF you’re curious about how long it takes, this explanation from Deathblade at wuxiaworld I found really useful in the past. It took him 4 years at 1-3 hours of study. I usually estimate my own goals and when I’ll reach them based on his timeline, since I study around the same amount. I imagine, if I keep progressing as expected, I might be able to start tackling chinese novels without a dictionary (to follow main ideas and most key details) by 4 years of study. I’m already much further along then I expected. In his article, he mentions that he also thinks even with a lot of study he thinks 2 years might be the earliest to achieve that level of reading skill. I think that’s a fair estimate. I’ve seen a number of people do HSK 1-4 within a year (8 months for one person, probably about 8 months for me too tbh). HSK 5-6 are so much bigger, so giving them combined at least another year seems a fair Minimum. 

Also, reading skills require more vocabulary then just HSK so a minimum of that second year to also develop THOSE skills seems realistic. I think the estimate they give is a really fair minimum estimate of years it would take to learn to read chinese comfortably without needing a dictionary for most meaning. I think with me... even if somehow I’m studying more efficienty then Deathblade (which I doubt, since I’m a chaotic studier), 1-2 more years of study to read without a dictionary seems fair. I personally think if I’m very lucky and study well, by 2 years of chinese study I’ll be able to read easier webnovels without a dictionary and read harder ones for the main gist more Comfortably, and by 3 years of study I’ll be able to read the harder ones and mostly understand even without a dictionary. 

I still honestly think 4 years to catch most-details without a dictionary in harder writing is probably... the best guess for how long my goals will take. But by year 2 I should at least be able to enjoy reading more without a dictionary when I choose to. Right now its like easy: graded readers, challenging: easy webnovels, hard: priest novels. I am hoping by year 2 it is ideally - easy: easy webnovels, challenging: priest novels, hard: writing in specialized topics I don’t know well (that I can use as intensive reading to learn vocab). That’s ideal of course. I’d consider challenging to be: I can usually roughly follow the story without a dictionary, and catch some details fully, but I’d understand EVERYTHING with one. And hard to be: I can maybe understand bits of it, but need a dictionary for a clear main idea a decent amount, and I need a dictionary for a large portion of details. 

I think this estimate is probably the most realistic for a number of learners. 4 years is how long it seems to have taken a majority of people I’ve seen dedicated to studying chinese, to reach a level of proficiency they saw as at least somewhat proficient. (Because for a number of them, they still at this point sometimes saw skills they wanted more improvement in - often reading or listening or speed of speaking etc depending on what I’m guessing they focused on less as they had studied before). Also, 1.5 hours is something most people can actually manage to find time for. It’s like adding an amount of gym exercise to your day - its a decent chunk of time, but if you can manage to enjoy it then it’s more like the time you’d spend dedicating on a hobby. 

For me, this also gets a bit easier to ‘make time for’ as you progress - for me, I put more of my study time into reading chinese (which is fun, but lets me study, and would just take the place of me reading something in english), into watching a chinese show and looking up words (fun, and puts it into a timeslot i’d otherwise spend on an english show), and talking to people on chinese exchange apps and social media (talking to people is fun but i’m getting my mistakes pointed out so it’s kind of like error-check convo time in a traditional classroom but less structured, and i can just spend time doing this instead of browsing an english social media). I wouldn’t count all these as ‘quality study’ time necessarily, but they do add up, and its easy for me to do 3 hours of this a day just because its mostly tasks I enjoy and would do in english anyway. I see that a number of the polyglots I check out on youtube like to do this for their languages too - some watch youtube videos to learn, pick up new vocab/listening from there, and read novels in their target language, and then the only study activity that seems ‘hardcore’ study is the time they spend either organizing their notes/flashcards of new vocab/grammar or reading textbooks/websites and doing exercises. My point is... they manage to make a decent portion of their study time into something they find fun and something they’d pretty much be doing in english too. 

For me, it’s easier to have some days where I do 1-3 hours on really focused study tasks like flashcards or reading textbooks or practicing shadowing/writing, and others where I spend half my time or even all of my time on ‘fun’ activities in the language where I may do a little focused study (like lookup words on occasion) but mostly just engage with the language and practice comprehension skills or practice conversation. Although these less intense study times where I just have fun in the language don’t actively have me studying as much, I do think these activities help me get more comfortable USING what I study and reinforcing it in my memory, and help me get more familiar with understanding what I have studied more QUICKLY in my daily life. I don’t know if it actually speeds up how quick I’m going to get proficient (although some approaches like the mass immersion approach would say it does). But I do think it helps me get more comfortable doing things in the language sooner, and helps me remember what I’ve studied.

---

So uh accounting for everything I do, I probably average at 1-3 hours studying the language a day, depending on the week. Like yesterday, I watched 1 chinese show (40 minutes), read some of sherlock in chinese (20 minutes on and off through the day on my phone), and i did some flashcards for probably 40 minutes (20 to finish my 2000 most common word deck, then 20 to start a new sentence deck and try to speed through the parts I knew, also on and off throughout day). So that’s around 1 hour and 40 minutes I spent yesterday. I binged Ancient Detective one day and did 3 hrs of a show, then 20 minutes reading a novel, so that day was 3 hrs 20 minutes. Etc. Some days I’ve only done flashcards, 20 min to 1 hr. Other days all I did was read novels, or just read textbooks. I’m not sure how much I’d count as real quality study, but I do think it adds up.

I did this for French to some (much less intense) degree, and it definitely sped up my French from probably taking 4 years if I’d only taken classes, up to 2 ish years. I think if I’d actively studied more, think more writing with error corrections and more listening/speaking practice, then I might even have been able to be as proficient as i would have liked in 1-2 years. As it stands I’m somewhere in B1-B2, able to read which was my main goal, with my listening/speaking/writing skills probably hovering in A2 or the barest of B1, needing a decent amount of polishing. So if I started up study of French again, I’d learn from my lessons with Chinese and just target those skills better in more focused ways - I think I’d be able to drag them up pretty quick. My vocab is there, and I worked on my listening a bit once I realized it was an issue - so I think acquiring active vocabulary from my passive vocabulary would mainly be a matter of practice. My listening I think would mainly be a matter of practice. I think the biggest thing I’d have to focus on, would be improving my speaking/writing and conciously doing stuff to check for corrections - either with language partners who call me out, considerable practice, doing grammar/writing workbooks where I purposefully practice the correct patterns, shadowing audio, writing out novel sentences to practice production of correct patterns, etc. Production is the main skill I expect would require more work than just exposure.

In Chinese, I made less of the mistakes I made with French because I planned better, had more inclusive goals of more language skills, and I study way more regularly. With French, sometimes I studied 2-5 hours a day, sometimes 10 minutes, many days not at all. The first year I usually studied at least 1 hour on average, and then years 1-2 I literally either studied not at all or 2-3 hours mostly reading french, often days studying nothing until towards the end when my reading was GREAT and my listening was HORRIFIC and I started spending 10-20 minutes a day just on listening skills. 

In Chinese I would say most of my skills are coming along at a nice rate that’s actually way better than I expected. My show skills are probably the best - but that’s mainly due to subtitle reading. 

So, for subtitles and simple stuff like comics, I’d say my comprehension is at 80-98% depending on the line or scene or material. At worst case its around 70% for content way outside of genres I already know words for. In all cases, it’s enough for me to follow the gist of the plot without looking up anything if I choose to. And in some cases, enough for me to follow the fine details of the plot without looking anything up.

For shows with ONLY audio, and audio only materials like audiobooks - my comprehension is around 50% maybe. If I have SOMETHING to help me get context, like a visual scene, or some summary of what the audio is going to be about, then I can follow the gist of the plot of an audio Sometimes. I can sometimes follow just enough to get the main idea - easier for me to follow the main idea from a visual media like a show, or from an audiobook of something I’ve actually READ in text completely beforehand. If it is audio with completely no context given to me beforehand - no summary, no prior knowledge of the context, no visual cues - then sometimes I catch some phrases and words, sometimes I don’t, and often I can NOT follow what is going on. This is expected, for me, because I rarely practice listening comprehension as much as I can. But since listening comprehension is somewhat decent with context, and since I can read a bit better (so I do know more words then i ‘comprehend’ quickly when listening), I think I could boost my listening comprehension a bit just by practicing more. I have been practicing more and its been noticably improving. 

For reading - like with subtitles, if its subtitles or comics I usually have 80-98% comprehension right now. The exceptions are genres I know few words in, in which case comprehension drops to maybe 70% and I can follow the main gist but need a dictionary to figure out finer details. These are probably my easiest ‘learning’ material at the moment, because they’re just easy enough I can pick up some new words and grammar from their context without a dictionary. Yesterday I picked up the word ‘tomb’ from The Lost Tomb without a dictionary - clearly because they just say that word so much! In Granting You a Dreamlike Life, I picked up the word for restaurant, bun, actor/performance, pretty fast. Again, because even without a dictionary the words come up enough for their meaning to become clear. I notice its easier for me to pickup these words when I know the hanzi characters that spell it - and I’m still wondering if broader hanzi knowledge would help me pick up more words from context quicker.

For reading novels - I’m not where my ultimate goal is, but I’m way ahead of where I expected to be. This skill highly depends on the reading level - with some more simple written novels like my Grimm’s Fairy Tales translated to chinese, like Sherlock translated, like tamendegushi, like some webnovels sometimes suggested to HSK 4 learners, I can follow the gist of the plot and catch some details without a dictionary (more like 70-90%). It greatly depends on writing style and words I know. Its rare for me to catch a majority of details (so show subtitles are easier). For these materials, if I do use a dictionary I can follow a majority of details along with the plot. So they’re usually my intensive reading materials for picking up new words. I can use them as extensive reading, but they’re challenging that way since my comprehension varies because of unclear details and unknown words. I am overall really happy with my progress here, because it is mind blowing to me I can read any chinese, let alone novels, and follow the plots even roughly! I did not expect to be this far along in 1 year. 

For reading more complicated novels - so aimed for adults I suppose, or just with more complex writing styles (like Priest I suppose, but would apply in general to just me picking novels at random that I know aren’t often recommended to beginners): my skills are also way ahead of what I expected to be. If I have prior context (much like shows without subtitles, or audio materials), I can sometimes follow the gist of the plot. There are sometimes scenes or chapters I just do NOT know enough main words in the section to comprehend the main things going on. I cannot catch a majority of details - but I might occasionally catch some. In these materials, short actions, dialogues, and sentences containing words I already know are where I can follow the more specific details much more easily (and I probably rely on them a lot to figure out the broader general plot going on). In those sentences, I can occasionally pick up some new words from context. In the rest, I require a dictionary to pick up most new words. I can read these currently with a dictionary - which excites me and blows my mind, since earlier in the year even with a dictionary the grammar/structures would make it incomprehensible to me! But, I require a dictionary for so many details and for such a decent amount of comprehension, that I read them too slow with a dictionary. It might take 40 min to an hour a chapter with a dictionary. Whereas, when just reading for gist, it may take 10-30 minutes depending on how well i can just zoom though and follow the main ideas. Whereas, with simpler novels, I can read for gist and get done with a chapter in a few minutes like 5-10, and even when I look up every single unknown word for specific details it only makes a reading session take 20-30 minutes. So right now... I’m not engaging with harder novels very often, since they take a lot longer. But sometimes I can follow the main gist of a section, which blows my mind since I didn’t expect to be able to do that yet! And I can get through them with a dictionary if I really wanted to. So like, worst case say I wanted to read a novel only in chinese that has no existing english translation - I could go do it, if I wanted, and difficulty of writing would just affect how long it will take me to read.

Right now graded readers, especially those on the easier end, I can breeze through and pick up any unknown words from context. For some higher level graded readers (think 2000ish different words or more, targeting HSK 5 levels and up), they’re around the same difficulty for me as the easier webnovels. 

If you do happen to learn the way I do, I greatly recommend diving into some easier webnovels when you’re around HSK 3 to HSK 4. I was reading graded readers in HSK 3 and finding them RIDICULOUSLY hard to get through, for whatever reason I jumped to webnovels instead which seemed to me equally hard but more interesting and they motivated me to learn more vocab. Then I went back to graded readers, and they just somehow had become monumentally easier. I think a big reason the graded readers were initially hard, was because I had little reading practice or skill. Jumping to a webnovel pushed me through the ‘i literally just don’t know HOW to apply reading skills yet’ phase, so when I went back to graded readers I only had to deal with the difficulty of new words at that point. Which was much easier to deal with then the actual difficulty of not having any reading skills built up yet. For me, my brain just really tends to like extra challenging material to help it ‘learn to do’ something. Likewise, I sort of did the same trick to make low-difficulty webnovels easier - I sat down and made myself read some Priest novels. Even though I only read maybe 15-20 pages of priest, when I went back to the easier webnovels... they’d become MUCH easier to read through quickly. So, for me, when I hit a difficulty curve, I kind of swing between using some EVEN HARDER materials and then using some extra-easy materials (aka swing from final difficulty goal novels, to easy graded readers) for a short period, then go back to my current goal reading level material (which for me rn is HSK 4ish webnovels). For some reason doing this swing back and forth makes the actual goal task easier for me to do. If I had to guess it might be because the intensive harder-reading boosts my vocab a little and comfort with difficulty-reading, then my extensive easier-reading boost my reading speed and comfort with already known words/grammar so it makes me stumble less. 

My weakest skills are production. But I have a decent study plan for working on that, so I’m not too worried (unlike in french). I type in chinese sometimes (and will do so more once this is a focus), and I chat sometimes (although usually its more to explain to myself how i’d say something in chinese). I’d prefer a bigger passive-vocab and phrases word base before I do this. As it stands, I can currently maybe talk about what you’d expect HSK 1-3 level conversations to be - some daily life situations, some questions, I can talk about some hobbies and topics basically like politics and hobbies and art. I struggle to follow more specialized discussion and use dictionaries once conversations veer toward specialized areas (like I can talk vaguely about the place a church, but once someone uses words spirituality/faith/beliefs/branch of faith etc I start getting lost without a dictionary). My production skills also have more errors then I’d like - and I think that’s mainly a matter of drills and more practice needed. It’s still as much or MORE then I can do in french at 2 years, so getting to this stage in 1 year of chinese is a decent success to me! 

[schoolastica]

12 Months

Alpha Peter x Omega Tony Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. The opinions here expressed are not my own but are a way of moving the story forwards. Please, remember this is a work of fiction about fiction characters. English is not my first language. ................................................................

The first 12 months of a child are the most critical ones. Tony and Peter have to learn so much.

..........................................................................................

June:

Morgan Happy Stark-Parker was born in the afternoon of June 3th, to parents Anthony Stark(O) and Peter B. Parker(A). She was 4 pounds and 8 ounces, had a patch of dark hair in her head and when she opened her eyes for the first time, she had Peter’s eyes. Her first name was unisex and they both found it cute and “Happy’ was a clear tribute to their dear friend. May was in the room with them when the baby came and helped giving the first bath and feeding for the first time. Peter could only cry during the first day and Tony could only glance wondering at the baby.

Every Avenger got to hold the baby and give congratulations. Nobody will ever admit it, but Fury’s eyes got all watery holding the new Stark baby. Because of Pepper’s mad skills with the media they didn’t had any troubles getting out of the maternity, but they knew they had to be open about this. The baby got so much snuggles and kisses (Tony had shaved to not hurt the child) and Peter and Tony holder her close to their hearts, making more skin-to-skin contact.

When Morgan was three days old, they took a candid, black and white picture of her tiny hands holding Tony’s pinky finger and they post it. Peter writes “a love I’ve never known before” under the photo and Tony caption is a simple heart. Those pictures reach one million likes in about 2 days and the media went crazy. The baby’s first sun bath is at the Penthouse terrace and when she’s 2 weeks old they go out in public for the first time and walk around Central Park with her.

May went with them to the Penthouse during the first week, she helped giving the first bath and helped them figuring out how to bottle feed her, burping and recognizing her cries. But as soon as she left, Peter and Tony discovered something interesting: Morgan was colic baby. She would wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and then she would shrink herself into a tiny ball and just be miserable until they could calm her down. She slept thru the day and was wide awake for most of the night. That really made them rethink the whole ‘family’ thing. The first time it happened, they got so scared that they rushed to the ER in search of help.

Morgan spender almost 7 diapers a day and was bottle-fed at least ten times. Tony and Peter slept between her naps (she slept almost 17 hours a day, but she woke up a lot during those times) and they barely got out of the house. They were lucky Peter was in vacation and that Tony decided to work only in September. And when June 19th, Father's Day came, they cried holding their daughter. It was difficult, not impossible

July:

Tony and Peter learned how to take care of the colic’s and slowly learned the baby’s sleep schedule. They mastered the art of holding her just right and of calming her. Peter would sing ‘In the wee small hours’ for her when she was awake in the early mornings. Tony finally went back to doing exercises, he couldn’t go back to being Iron Man just yet, but he could start losing the baby weight. It was weird, looking at his flaccid belly and realizing it would never be as it was before and that practically every being could be hotter than him right now in his Alpha’s eyes. Well, he considered himself lucky enough just for the fact he didn’t had the baby blues.

The Fourth of July was a memorable night, Tony always though that that one Fourth of July with his family was the most beautiful that he would see, until he spends that Fourth of July with his Alpha and newborn Morgan (she was one month old on the fourth of July). Tony and Peter spend that day with the Avengers and Ted and MJ, doing a barbecue in the Terrace.

They were worried that Morgan would get scarred of the fireworks noise, because she was napping when the dawn came, but that was the thing, Morgan was such a fuzzy child that when she slept, it was for real. And when the beautiful fireworks started to blown high in the sky, Morgan just opened those big brown eyes (oh yes, Morgan's eyes ware brown just like her fathers) and silently watched the sky light up. And Tony and Peter went back to their home smiling for each other.

August:

August came in as did the heat and they finally managed to leave the house more frequently. Tony’s Instagram feed was all about work, but they had dailies requests of interviews or photoshoots by magazines and newspapers. They said no to all of them, of course. Tony was dedicating himself everyday in the gym and kept a calorie track, he also didn’t drink alcohol for almost a year now. Peter was so proud that he made special breakfast and delivered it in Tony’s bed. The Spider-Man works now were in a good schedule and it was all light work. Peter seemed to be creating a separation anxiety, he went out alone and came back super-fast.

In middle August they decided to take a little vacation, their first vacation since ever, really. So, Pepper managed to book a whole trip with maximum security, in a way that nobody even knew hey went there at all. They spend 8 days in a beautiful cottage near the beaches in Carmel-by-the-sea, California. The whole place is faraway of the chaotic, energetic buzz of New York, and it’s a place where they can walk holding hands and with the stroller in front of them.

They buy groceries and cook in the beautiful kitchen, all while watching Morgan. She was 2 months old; she started the tummy time and she had lost all the baby fat and her tiny face was staring to get a more lady-like shape. She was much too young to enjoy the beautiful views, or the amazing food but her colic’s were starting to fade, and she was becoming less grumpy, which made going out with her more enjoyable. They did, however, took tons and tons of pictures of her, and videos and tiny frames of her near the ocean, specially when she gave her very first smile to Tony when he placed her near the ocean.

When they were back and safe at the Penthouse (Tony and Peter had tan marks all over), Peter quietly posted the picture he most loved yet: a selfie Tony took of them, with his arms around Peter while Morgan was in the kangaroo around his torso. The ocean was behind them and they had the biggest smiles ever. He wrote “Loving this newer life right now”.

The picture gets the insane number of 13 million likes in 3 days.

September

September was a very smooth month, Morgan was getting a consistent around her body, so she would take some toys and shake them, and she would smile so freaking much that she got herself the nickname "Smiles" from Steve and Natasha. She was introduced to good music by her parents, Tony would sing "Metallica" for her as a lullaby and Peter would sing Elvis Presley songs to her. At mornings, they would have a mix of 50-60 good rock'n roll as breakfast.

Tony went back to work, nothing heavy, just some tinkering in the lab and some adjust in the armor. Peter had to go back to MIT in the beginning of September and he once again struggled to be separated from Morgan and Tony. Since around Tony’s 8th month of pregnancy, they didn’t had sex yet. Peter kept saying he was fine with that, but Tony could smell Peter’s arouse sometimes in the morning and he was angry at himself for not functioning the way he was supposed to work. He couldn’t help it, his self-steam was so low, he didn’t believe that he would ever come back to his original shape.

Tony confessed this to Peter, about his body’s insecurity and about how nervous he was about MIT( Peter would be surrounded by beautiful, smart and young omegas, most likely they saw the Instagram photos and Peter would be a cute, young and family Alpha, just waiting to be taken). Peter made sure to assure Tony that he was more than okay how they were and when that didn’t work, Peter threw Tony into the mattress and fucked the doubts out of him. Their first time after the baby wasn’t sweet like on the early of their relationship, it was rough, it was almost 5 months of pent up stress and sexual frustration being translated into pulls and pushes, moans and groans and a spectacular orgasm for the both.

(Don’t you worry, May was babysitting)

October                           In mid October, the wind was starting to get cold, so the heating system had to be availed and changed. Happy invited them to have Morgan first Tricks’ Treat with them. So, them put a Strawberry costume and had dinner at the Jones. By the evening, they went to some houses and asked for candies for Morgan, but every house knows that Tony and Peter would eat every single of the sweets. Morgan is a healthy child, Dr. Scott says when she turns 4 months old, her sight, hearing and reflex are OK by the doctor and she has grown into a good weight and high. Tony posted a picture of a Strawberry costume and some candy at his worktable and the photo is a total hit.

Peter had MIT works now, so he didn’t go as Spider-Man as much. Morgan was such a happy child now; colic’s were almost forgotten. She gave her first laugh while she was in her highchair in Tony’s lab. DUM-E dropped a screwdriver in one plate, and she found it oddly amusing. She’s going to have a wicked sense of humor, that one Clint says once and Tony couldn’t agree more.

November

November 3th came and Morgan made 5 months, it was a beautiful and lazy Sunday. She already slept long periods at night, almost 6 hours at once (than she woke up and just needed attention). This week she learned a new trick: to sit all by herself. She also has been rolling around like a drunk person for almost two months now. Her gummy smile was everything to them.

On Sundays like this, Tony took care of Morgan for Peter’s studying time and during the week, Peter studied during Morgan's nap time. So Tony was sitting there, playing with Morgan while she was in their bed, making bubbling sounds for her, clapping hands for her and putting her over her tummy and well, being a child himself. When Tony heard something falling over in the lab and turned around and yelled: ‘Are you alright Peter?’

In this little window of time, Morgan rolled throw the bed and fell hard on the ground. Her piercing scream was heard from the entire Penthouse and Tony’s heartbeat went crazy. He lifted his daughter and tried to check for any injuries while also crying with her. Peter (he dropped a circuit table) heard it and reached them already so scared, he planned to take the baby to the hospital but in reality, Tony was sited on the ground, crying with Morgan, and Peter ended up hugging them until they calmed down. (They take her to the doctor eventually, but she wasn’t harmed).

December

Peter’s December vacation comes earlier than what they thought. There had clothes enough for themselves and had outfits for Morgan until she's one year old, but she didn't had outfits for a winter, so after they decided where to go for winter, they took some money and went to buy some clothes. Peter wanted to buy durable outfits, who could keep her warm for the entire winter, but Tony wanted cute coats, pink boots and a red hoodie who said "MERRY CHRISTMAS" so logically they fight for every single piece of clothes.

The one who seemed to be enjoying this was Morgan. At 6 months old she had made two discovers; one is that teeth coming out were bad and they should stay where they were, two is that was that her voice was beautiful. Morgan didn't talk but she bubbles all the time. She could have deep and thoughtful conversations with whoever was closer to her, in her bubbling language. She also recognizes her own name and all of hers nicknames and she also signed "yes" or "no" with her head.

Peter and Tony didn't know if she knew what those gests meant or if she learned that her parents would laugh at those gests. But well, Tony asked if Morgan wanted the red hoodie over the boring gray sweater that Peter wanted, and Morgan signed "yes" screaming loud her option. She also signed "yes" for four choices from Peter and two for Tony. They came back to their home with full begs and Tony bought a medium size Christmas Tree and put it on their TV room. They travelled to Norway to spend Christmas, they rented a big house and all the Avengers came. They passed the Christmas day with a beautiful meal, Christmas songs and all that jazz, and Santa Claus brought toys to all the children. They passed the New Year’s skiing and the kids (Clint’s kids) played with Morgan and was a perfect night.

Tony and Peter made sweet, sweet love on Christmas Eve and they smelled happy through the whole month. They posted a series of pictures of them near the Christmas tree and wrote “Merry Christmas and a happy New Year” under. It was all in a dream.

January

January was Morgan’s 7th month. Now she had 4 perfect teeth (which they had to brush everyday) and she just now learned how to crawl. Her favorite toy was a tiny Iron Man doll (Rhodes gave it to her). Tony and Peter had to stimulate her motor skills every day. She could also sleep 8 hours straight and make most of the sounds and her favorite food was smashed carrots and apple juice. Her dark hair had grown enough to make pig-tales on her, and her face was getting a more consistent shave day by day.

They came back from Norway in January 3th and the NY winter weather hadn’t been great. When Peter had to go back to school and suddenly Iron Man was needed, they reached a disagreement. Happy watched Morgan for that day, but they decided that maybe was time to find a daycare for Morgan. They took the top pick from their pre-made list and applied to put Morgan in there. The daycare was really exclusive, but they opened a place for Tony Stark’s daughter. So, in the end of January, Morgan went to her first day away from he’s parents.

Peter was so emotional in that day, he gave Morgan to the teacher; Miss Perry, but couldn't seem to stop cry all the way to MIT. Tony didn't cry but he did stay in the Daycare a little while after Peter went to away, just to be sure that Morgan was adapting. And Morgan was........ loving the Daycare!

While Peter cried holding her and Tony was all worried about "distance", Morgan looked at them the entire time with a face that said "Are you guys for real? ". She seemed to love the fact of more kids in the Daycare and she liked of all the teachers; Miss Perry, Miss Ashley and Miss Lettie. Of course, that she cried at noon, because an older child got her big plushie from her. At seven months, she could crow and roll around places and she could recognize usual voices and her own name but one thing that made she gave the "What? "face is that he’s teachers called her "baby" not "Morgan" as it should have been said.

At the end of the day, Tony picked her up and him and Peter made hamburgers for dinner. Peter was supper excited about his course, he now had new friends. Tony got so happy for him, and Morgan was so tired of the Daycare that she easily went to a deep sleep. And after that the Stark-Parkers felled into an easy routine.

February

At 8 months old, Morgan already loved her big plushie and could be a little possessive. She also learned that flus were bad. Actually, all the Stark-Parkers learned that flu's were bad. But when she got sick, they were desperate, thought Morgan's Doctor, Dr. Scott say that it was okay to have flu's at that age. So, he gave some light medicine and send very home again. The media finally seemed to catch them for the first time, paparazzi were following Peter one evening and Morgan looked really into the camera. That picture, the first picture of the Stark-Parker baby’s face was covered in at least 3 different tabloids. All these times they didn’t show Morgan’s face, too scared of what the media could do.

It was a real bummer, but they kept going with life. Almost every Omega that came across Peter seemed to want him, even when he was out with Morgan or in a date night with Tony, they would still give him his numbers. It just served for them to fight and to fuck like two teenagers.

March

Morgan was the smartest child in the planet! At least it was what Peter thought when, at 9 months old, Morgan said her first word. Since Morgan started to mumble some sounds, Peter and Tony had a competition of if Morgan would say "mommy" or "daddy" first.

But then, in a Sunday morning, Tony was making pancakes and some sweets for Peter and Morgan and they were listening "Jailhouse Rock" of Elvis Presley. Morgan was moving herself, dancing in the Highchair and making her usual mess with pancakes and apple juice and suddenly, while Peter was changing Presley music, the long word "Jail" was screamed by Morgan. That was enough to send them to the moon. After that they would have the camera always on, and Morgan learn that "Jail" was a big answer. She was also trying to stand alone.

April

Morgan gave her first steps in late April. Tony and Peter were sitting in some puffs on the balcony, with the records playing Tears and Fears, and Morgan was laying on Tony's stomach, with her belly for the air. She could sing words like "Jail, Juice, Ice" but she didn't say "Momma or Daddy" yet. Suddenly, rolled over off Tony's belly and started to crawl in Peter's direction. Peter was recording them with their camera, and he captures the exact moment when Morgan got up and gave her first steps towards her. They barely couldn't hold the shouts of joy. Tony felt his eyes watering. Just months before, the thought of having a child scared him so much and now here he was, watching his tiny daughter giving her first steps into the world. He watched as his Alpha jumped and shouted of joy while holding their baby and thought to himself that everything seemed right if it led him to this moment.

June

Tony and Peter started to plan a vacation travel to a lake in Arkansas, with Ned and MJ. On the morning of June 3th, Tony woke before Peter. He started quiet, staring at his beauty, he kissed his lips and got up real quietly. He enters in the yellow-lilac-green room, the morning sunshine going throw the window, lightning the crib. And there Morgan slept deep and in peace, she was so big now, her skin was white and soft, she had a brown hair and her eyes were a light shade of brown, not like Tony's eyes but pretty close.

Tony stayed for minutes there, just looking at her, when she first woke up, she rubbed her eyes sleepily and opened the biggest smile Tony have ever saw in her face.

"Good morning Morgan" said an amazed Tony, she looked at him and said a trainless "Morning Daddy". And just like that, Tony was crying. He couldn't believe that 1 year and 8 months before, he was alone, chasing monsters and running away from his problems. Now here he was.

Working 9 to 5, coming home to his Alpha, kid and a home. Morgan was looking at him like she couldn't get why he was crying, but she standup in the crib and lift her arms, asking to be picked up. He picks her and kissed her cheek and hugged her very tightly. Suck it, Peter! She got Morgan first steps but Tony got "Daddy" first.

"Happy birthday Morgan Happy Stark-Parker “said Tony, but only the word "birthday" got her attention.

'Cake? “she said, looking at him and clapping her hands. Birthday was cake for her, and Tony clapped his hands too, agreeing. She holds his face, pointing with her middle finger to "pay attention" to her and said "juice”, which meant breakfast first. Tony took her to their small kitchen and put her in the highchair and one bottle from the fridge. Tony was dressed in grey sweatpants and shirtless, showing off his flat tummy.

Tony wasn’t back at his original shape, but he was close now. Tony made some pancakes and made formula for Morgan, all listening to Asia. Morgan was making a mess with the pancakes. Peter came to the kitchen already dressed in a day outfit and kissed Morgan's entire face, so happy. After breakfast, Tony got dressed in light clothes and went to the city to make a bunch of things and Peter stayed to prepare the things.

Tony picked a pink-and-lilac medium cake, soda, yellow and purple balloons and red solo cups. Peter dressed Morgan in a pale green dress, with a white tiara holding her brown hair and dolls shoes. The house was filled with balloons, was cleaned and the barbecue was ready to be made. Clint and Laura brought their kids, they also brought two dresses, pink and purple and a pair of shoes. Ned, MJ, the Avengers, May and Happy (they were a thing now), even Fury and Hill came to give congratulations to baby Morgan.

The afternoon was passed with laughter, meat, soda, beer and kids running around.

When all of them were gone in the evening of Sunday, Morgan was where’d off, after eating so much cake and a good warm bath, she was so sleepy. She passes out around 8 p.m. After all of this, Tony and Peter set on green puffs, looking at their trashed apartment, drinking hot beers and making out like two teenagers.

Before they went to bed they passed at the nursery, to check her one last time. They got caught up watching her sleep peacefully, Tony reaches out and put her little hair out of her face so they could watch her better. Peter hugged Tony from behind, resting his chicks into his shoulder.

- We should have another one- Peter said quietly. Tony looks at him surprised.

- I think she’s happy being an only child.

- I think she would love to be a big sister- Peter faces Tony seriously- Lets have another one.

Tony couldn’t deny Peter anything, really.

.................................................

Opinions?

[aspiring-bad-bitch]

Long overdue weigh-in/ Weight loss rant (advice I wanted!)

*Warning this is so long, I’m sorry!*

I haven’t posted an update on my progress in months because I got so sidetracked but here it is, I’ve only lost 7 pounds since the last time I posted but I’ve hit a weight plateau and I keep bouncing within like a 9/10lb margin and I don’t know how to break through it and start losing again 😢. I have been pretty much the same weight for almost 3 months now which definitely sucks considering how fast I lost the first like 30lbs(13.61kg) (which I know it’s normal for weight loss to slow but still disappointing). I was doing Omad along with the gym and I noticed that even when the scale was moving at a slow but steady pace my body measurements in inches was decreasing. Everybody kept telling me that it was because I was building muscle as I lost fat; however, I noticed after like a month and a half of that my actual inch body measurements weren’t changing at all anymore and the scale went from slowly decreasing to just bouncing up and down the same 4/5lbs consistently. I’m just getting really frustrated with half of the people around me telling me that I just need to eat less and the other half telling me that I’m not eating enough. I have tried both solutions and neither seem to make a difference but I’m wondering if it’s because I’m not sticking to either plan for long enough before switching back to the other but I do that because it’s not working in my weight goes up so I don’t want to gain anymore (I also just started taking birth-control to help my skin literally yesterday and I know a side effect of that can be weight gain which I’m now very worried about and trying very desperately to avoid) . Also I’ve decided while I’m back from school on break to go back to doing 16/8 fasting instead of Omad and over the last four days I have finally been seeing the scale slowly but consistently decrease again so maybe I just need to repeat my cycle of doing 16/8 for a few months then 20/4 for a few more and then Omad?  I did notice when I first started to lose weight that 16/8 then going to 20/4 kept that constant quicker weight loss and Omad helped to lose that last stubborn 10lbs that took a bit longer so maybe I should just keep repeating that cycle? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and yes, I do drink a lot of water already haha. Sw: 197.6lbs (89.6kg). CW: 160.2lbs (72.67kg). GW: 125lbs (56.7kg)



[thesportssoundoff]

“A very weird card for a very weird month” UFC Fight Night: Weidman vs Reyes Preview

Joey

October 14th, 2019

It's Octobr and the UFC's scheduling usually goes like this in my estimation:

Jan- New year, we're all excited, folks get injured, overpacked shows in December hurt the new year but we deal with it.

Feb- Injuries/cold means makeshift cards, people get mad.

March- Shows are a bit fatter, big title fights are coming around, people are excited.

April- The "set up" for the summer months, usually really good fight cards on paper with little to no name value.

May- Normally the "bad" PPV month, free events are good.

June- The last month before things get wild and wooly. PPV's tend to be damn good, free cards tend to be pretty balanced.

July- Everything has to be BIG so you get BIG PPV and then an event or two after the PPV that drag down the blocks average.

August- The end of the summer, injuries get heavy because of the seasonal change, focus is on prepping for November and December.

September- OH MY GOD EVERYBODY IS HURT! EVERYTHING IS REALLY WEIRD! THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON!

October- The down month where they're scrapping and salvaging just to get to MSG. Shows are pretty much whatever they can put together without working too hard. Usually where they do some kind of weird Canadian card. The cards tend to bounce between "This is surprisingly good" and "I don't have the time or the energy for this".

November- IT'S MSG! IT'S LOADED! What about the rest of the month? Ah, okay then. Carry on.

December- The end of the year where they try to end with a bang. Normally a lot of drama, prep for 2020. We get fights announced for next year that usually top what we're being offered this year. Big PPV to end things on the right note.

This card is pretty much 100% October. You have a kind of weird but kinda good main event at the top of the bill, a really good yet weird co-main event under it, a really weird but kinda good HW fight and then a bunch of Northeast projects and prospects. If you remove the top three fights, finding the next good fight that is objectively good might depend on how you feel about Gillian Robertson vs Maycee Barber. Me personally I think you can do far, far worse than Barber vs Robertson and actually quite like the fight as a good test for Maycee Barber. After that? You have some highly touted prospects coming off losses (Manny Bermudez, Randy Costa, Boston Salmon), some guys off the Contenders Series trying to find their niche (Brendan Allen, Sean Woodson, Jonathan Pearce)  and a bunch of filler. It's kinda not bad filler though? Everything about this card is just weird, folks. Bare with.

Fights: 13

Debuts: Tanner Boser, Brendan Allen, Sean Woodson, Sean Brady, Diana Belbiţă, Ben Sosoli, Jonathan Pearce

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: (Zabit Magomedsharipov vs Calvin Kattar CANCELLED/Eric Spicely OUT, Kevin Holland IN vs Brendan Allen)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 5 (Greg Hardy, Jeremy Stephens, Yair Rodriguez, Chris Weidman, Joe Lauzon)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC: 1 (Joe Lauzon)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 6 (Dominick Reyes, Chris Weidman, Greg Hardy, Gillian Robertson, Maycee Barber, Kevin Holland)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2017 (in the UFC): 24-15

Chris Weidman- 1-2 Dominick Reyes- 5-0 Jeremy Stephens- 3-3 (1 NC) Yair Rodriguez- 2-1 (1 NC) Greg Hardy- 2-1 Ben Sosoli- 0-0 Joe Lauzon- 1-3 Jonathan Pearce- 0-0 Gillian Robertson- 4-1 Maycee Barber- 2-0 Deron Winn- 1-0 Darren Stewart- 3-4

Fights By Weight Class (yearly number here):

Featherweight- 3 (52) Women’s Flyweight- 2 (31) Middleweight-  2 (40) Heavyweight- 2 (31) Welterweight- 1 (62) Light Heavyweight- 1 (39) Bantamweight- 1 (53)

Lightweight- (66) Women’s Strawweight- (26) Flyweight-  (15) Women’s Featherweight- (8) Women’s Bantamweight-  (18)

2019 Number Tracker

Debuting Fighters (33-55-1)- Tanner Boser, Brendan Allen, Sean Woodson, Sean Brady, Diana Belbiţă, Ben Sosoli, Jonathan Pearce

Short Notice Fighters (28-35)- Kevin Holland

Second Fight (52-34)- Randy Costa, Boston Salmon, Deron Winn

Cage Corrosion (Fighters who have not fought within a year of the date of the fight) (20-37-1)- Charles Rosa, Joe Lauzon, Daniel Spitz

Undefeated Fighters (35-37-2)- Dominick Reyes, Sean Woodson, Maycee Barber

Fighters with at least four fights in the UFC with 0 wins over competition still in the organization (11-8)-

Weight Class Jumpers (Fighters competing outside of the weight class of their last fight even if they’re returning BACK to their “normal weight class”) (29-20)- Chris Weidman, Manny Bermudez

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- Why is a New York vs New York fight taking place in Boston? I know that might not matter from a lot of folks but as the guy who grew up with boxers headlining in their home markets, this irks me.

2- I feel like this main event almost depends entirely on how you view Volkan Oezdemir as a fighter. The last time we saw Dom Reyes, he was given a really hard tough fight against Volkan Oezdemir in London. I don't think "robbery" is fair but I do think if you scored it for Volkan then you have a justifiable grumble about him losing that decision. What has gone under the radar is that Reyes did a tremendous job to adjust to what wasn't working and mix in more work to the body to keep it close and then the general rule of "win the third round, win the fight" wins out. I think there's no shame in a young prospect getting tested on his way up the ranks and managing to get by. You'd rather see warts now than in the middle of the first round of a title fight. Also Volkan Oezdemir is proving to be a pretty good quality 205er who even in his losses has moments of success. As such, I'm left to wonder if folks are a bit too harsh on a dude who iced Jared Cannonier, had no issues with OSP and remains the most exciting LONG TERM prospect at 205 lbs.

3- Is it too late for Chris Weidman? Despite the calls of folks to move up in weight, Weidman held off until seemingly all options were exhausted at 185 lbs. The fact of the matter and the unbearable truth is that Chris Weidman's style was based all on his durability and versatility simply fell apart when he needed it the most. He couldn't withstand the wars he was putting himself in at 185 lbs and his wrestling isn't as advertised anymore. At the same time, he still subbed Kelvin Gastelum, has a Hall of Fame worthy resume and enters a division where mid tier MWs are having breakout runs to title shots. Weidman can still crack, has a variety of offensive tools in his backpocket and in SPURTS he's still a good wrestler. Weidman's biggest problem for me as a wrestler has always been his lack of control once fights hit the turf but maybe cutting less weight will help. Then again Luke Rockhold didn't get much help in that regard either.

4- Here's how I'm beginning to feel about guys from 185 lbs going up to 205 lbs. If you're an athlete (Thiago Santos, even Anthony Smith to some degree) then it can work because the athletic barometer at 205 is better than HW but lowert han any other weight class. Guys who are fast at 185 lbs will remain fast at 205 lbs because that travels. They're also likely to hit a lot harder given the increase in weight. That said, if you're slow or clunky, no amount of weight cutting is going to fix that. Luke Rockhold simply looks and perhaps may just be a slow and clunky guy. Against Jan Blachowicz, he LOOKED like a heavier version of his usual self. What makes me worried about Chris Weidman and his chances at 205 lbs is that he's slow, clunky and kind of sort of broken. I don't think his body and his (lack of) speed will travel much at 205 lbs.

5- So who is hurt more by having to cut weight again for this fight, Yair or Jeremy Stephens? I kind of think it'll be Yair but I also saw him show up on two weeks notice to fist fight the Korean Zombie.

6- I really hope there's a chance, honestly and truthfully, that Joe Lauzon calls it quits win or lose. Lauzon feels like one of those guys who would be better suited in his personal life giving up the ghost and embracing the next phase.

7- This feels like the first real card to roll out the Contenders Series for season 3 so I'll break down who is whom and how they got here:

HW Ben Sosoli faces Greg Hardy- Sosoli is an Aussie kickboxer who made the MMA transition, fought on TUF and emerged on the DWCS in season 3. He had a "no contest" but was on his way to winning the fight before an eye poke (by him) ended the fight. Sosoli is being brought in to have a slugfest with Hardy.

LW Jon Pearce has a pretty crazy story. He was in a coma after getting jumped by somebody at his gym after hours. He recovered and fights like every southeastern dude who has ever fought in the UFC; basically scrapping when he wants to and wrestling out of trouble when he has to. I would say "He's the kind of guy who can give Joe Lauzon trouble" but I think at this point anybody with a working pulse gives him trouble.

FW Sean Woodson is REAL interesting. He took on a super prospect in his DWCS fight and struggled with the consistent wrestling----then he hit one of the cooler flying knees ever and scored a walk off second round KO. Dana even admitted that his finish was TOO good to not get signed despite the concerns he had about his wrestling.

MW Brendan Allen is your yearly "LFA has a middleweight champ and we gotta sign him" guy. He's accomplished-ish at 12-3 with some losses to good competition (Anthony Hernandez and Eryk Anders are both having solid runs). He's a violent kinda dude but I think he's a step below Ian Heinisch and Anthony Hernandez IE: he's kinda sketchy.

8- Boston Salmon was a really hyped L(R)FA prospect, the kind of guy who the UFC normally signs before he's ready and rushes out there. Salmon won on the DWCS in Season One and disappeared, re-emerging this year before losing in ugly fashion in his first fight with the organization. We've detailed here how badly debuting fighters struggle but also how much better they do in their second go around. Of course the same could be said for his opponent Boston Salmon. I guess win or lose, I think Salmon's going to look worlds better than he did in his debut. It couldn't in theory have looked much worse?

9- I wish I knew about Molly McCann's opponent so I could somewhat excited about her fight upcoming. Diana Belbita lost to Ariana Lipski who Molly McCann beat so....I dunno dudes.

10- I wonder how many fighters people would know off of this main card. 4 or 5 tops? Manny Bermudez, Molly McCann, Kevin Holland  and then?

11- So let's talk about Kevin Holland briefly, shall we? Holland's UFC run has been weird to say the least. Holland debuted on short notice against THIAGO SANTOS (!), took all of Santos' best offense and somehow lived to tell the tale about it. In large part, Holland's ability to just talk copious amounts of shit no matter the circumstance endeared him to UFC fans and supporters. In the end, Holland got his best opportunity and since then the UFC has taken it slow and steady with him. Holland has wins over John Phillips, Gerald Meerschaert and most recently a close decision win over Alessio Di Chirico. Holland's rep as an action fighter is overstated (as is most of his game) but to go 3-1 in the UFC under any circumstances is pretty solid. He's the sort of guy who doesn't like to work too hard theoretically but lacks the middle ground to carry himself beyond that point. Yet he's so gifted, long and determined that he tends to be able to get by doing the bare minimum. Brendan Allen is probably going to give him plenty of opportunities to be offensive if he wants to be but that's entirely up to Holland and his mentality.

12- The last time we saw him, Deron Winn was having a FOTN style war with Eric Spicely on short notice. Winn has a lot of "poor man's DC" about him which is a really unfair comparison but I can't think of a guy that short in a weight class who prioritizes the same arsenal of strikes that he does other than DC. He gets a kind of risky step up in competition with Darren "The Dentist" Stewart. Stewart has a bit of a funky UFC record, he started his run 0-3 and then hit a stride of sorts since then, going 3-1 with the sole loss being a super close split decision to MW prospect Edmen Shahbazyan. Stewart hits really hard and has found some tremendously timely resolve with his takedown defense, creating a sort of fight that should be closer on paper than some folk might realize.

[extraterrestreilegal]

Chapter VIII

A year had gone by and I was now about to enter High School. I’d grown up being given the little that my parents could provide. I was always thankful but I knew that there had to be more out there for me. After all, I’d grown up without really anything the first few years of my life here, the only way to go was up. I had so little that my days must’ve merged together because my childhood is mostly a blur. I don’t remember anything except seeing drunks, seeing my then-abusive parents yelling and hitting us, that room we were locked in whenever they threw parties, that’s all I see when I think of when I got here. Now I know I’ve lacked details on what happened to us as kids. It’s honestly for my younger brother’s safety. He is still a minor and I don’t want anyone to think he is being raised the way we were. I remember when he was born, I wasn’t happy. I was actually really scared because even though I was young, I had already been through enough to understand that no child should be born into a life like this.

I’d survived being used as a punching bag, I’d survived having poison given to me for entertainment, I’d survived so much that I fooled myself into thinking things would get better. They eventually did, but that would’t be for year’s to come.

Alex and I had been living our own separate lives because we didn’t get along. I haven’t mentioned him much in this story because he wasn’t really in my life outside of the house. We went to the same school and all but he’d originally been two years ahead of me (he skipped first grade when we came to the United States). In middle school however, he got held back in sixth grade so we were only a year apart after that. Nonetheless, I did’t get along with him because of our drastic differences. He was loud, outgoing, and an extrovert. I on the other hand, I was always more quiet, calm, and introverted. At school I was always referred to as “Fatty’s brother.” Fatty was his nickname. Even though I was in fact his brother, he had characteristics of my father that I hated. Since I was younger, I never wanted to turn out like him. I never wanted to become the awful human he was that I saw as I grew up. So hearing people call me “Fatty’s brother” made my blood boil. I eventually went and created my own identity out of the nickname I was given, Frito.

Though I tried to not be like either of them, I couldn’t deny the abilities that our parents had unwillingly taught us, how to hide and live our own lives. We’d been unwillingly taught how to manipulate people as we saw it everyday with my parents. We’d been unwillingly taught how to only look out for ourselves because that’s how we were growing up. On our own. Yes my parents provided the essentials. But how I see it, if you have a child, you shouldn’t be proud of only being able to provide the essentials if you have money to go out drinking every night of the week with your friends. You should be working hard not just for yourself at that point, but for your children. And no shade, but especially if you left your country and family behind to better your life for your children.

As I was about to start High School, I was forced to play football by my parents. I’d been smoking weed since sixth grade on and off. But when I started going to football, I felt I couldn’t smoke anymore because they would threaten us with drug tests. So I did stop smoking, for about three months. During the summer, football would start training because the season started early in the year. I was going to two a days, I was going to practice, I was really putting in work. But eventually I found myself feeling tired, nonetheless I started working at thirteen a month before I started high school. I was undocumented so my parents got me a fake identification card and a fake social security number so I could work. Alex was working at another restaurant in downtown Ann Arbor and my father asked me if I wanted to work at his job because they were hiring bus boys. Not really wanting to work, but also tired of being broke, I went to work with him.

I bring up working young because when that happened, my life was now split into three categories. Get money, go to school, and try to have a social life. This really helped me become a person who needs a schedule—which eventually also caused me issues. The reason for it is because I shouldn’t have been focusing on getting money and everything my parents couldn’t give me at that age. At that age, with already a fragile messed up mind, I couldn’t handle more than I was already dealing with. But I couldn’t let anyone know I couldn’t balance it, how it sucked only sleeping one hour a night. My schedule, once school started, consisted of little to no sleep so I could try to keep up. I eventually found myself struggling. I was not only trying for the life of me to keep up, but I was also trying to lose all the weight that I had gained being depressed the years before. And I was losing it. But it wasn’t for any healthy reasons. I’d gone back to not eating, not voluntarily, it just happened.

I was working eleven hour work days, four to five times a week. It doesn’t sound bad, but what I failed to mention was that shift was from 5:00PM until 4:00AM the next day. From 4:00AM until about 5:30AM I was at the gym every day trying to look and force myself to feel better. I’d go to sleep until about 7:00AM and go to school. I say going to school, but we all know I was barely there after a few months. By then I’d lost the ability to balance anything and I was just letting everything crumble. I stopped going to football, I stopped going to school, I stopped wanting better for myself. But my parents were noticing that I was getting thinner. They for once seemed not disappointed in me, so I kept doing what I was doing all along, I continued to ruin myself. Ruin my future. Ruin my dreams. Since me losing weight seemed to be the only thing they cared about that I was doing right at this point.

They had no idea that their way of being supportive was actually more damaging to me. I understood that they didn’t know anything about me, but how could they. They never made an effort to understand me. They only ever wanted me to change who I was and I always struggled with it because the main thing I knew they wanted me to change was my sexuality. And that was something I’d known, since I was younger, that I’d never be able to change. So I tried to change everything else about me at all costs. I never wanted anything more than to make them happy and proud. But growing up, they didn’t support me for who I was. I was focused on changing so much about myself and hiding who I really was that I didn’t have time to worry about what was really going on. I was depressed.

I was trying like hell to hide it because everyone around me thought I was finally happy. Everyone around me thought that I was just a cheerful, gay, and nice kid. But I was anything but that. I knew how to do things that these kids around me didn’t have to know. I had to now worry about if I did go to college somehow, how would I get in? I wasn’t legally here. How would I get financial aid? You need a social security number to get it. I was now starting to understand the struggles of being an immigrant. I’d understood some of the struggles before because our parents used to have us translate everything for them. If any legal documents needed signing, it was up to Alex and I to figure out what the best route for our family was. We not only were the children in the family, but at times we had to be the adults because the adults didn’t understand or know where to go from there. But even after everything we did for our parents, they continue telling me I had to work harder for whatever I wanted. That didn’t help because I was already working harder than most kids at my age. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me if they couldn’t see that I really was trying. I couldn’t go to my parents for help. I’d grown up feeling isolated and scared to look for help myself. I was scared of who I was, because I didn’t know who I really was. I’d been living in lies trying to protect myself. But for once in my life, the lies became harder to bare. But I kept on going. I kept lying to myself that I was okay. Until I wasn’t.

[coldtomyflash]

Weird question, and it's perfectly okay if "I don't know" is your answer: How did you manage to do grad school AND finish writing so many good fics? I'm writing the lit review for my dissertation right now, and I want to finish several WIPs I have (if nothing else, just to prove to myself that I can), but it just feels like I can barely do either, much less both. Any advice at all?

Ah, no worries! It’s not that odd a question. Actually, someone’s asked me before ^^;  My reply to them at the time was here. No need to read it, but it’s some context? 

My reply now that my head is in a healthier place is... long and winding and not actually full of that much advice but eh, I rambled as I do. If you just want the advice, scroll all the way down and it’s there. 

For starters, I’m not a normal comparison point. This isn’t to pat myself on the back, but for a variety of reasons, writing is something that comes really naturally to me. I’ll detail those reasons, but before I get into that, the point I’m illustrating here is that... sometimes I think people compare themselves to how much I wrote and what else I accomplished in that time and think “hey cool - that is a function human! Why can’t I do that?” And the answer is short answer is that my brain is programmed for pretty much one thing, and that thing is writing writing, and holy crap I was the opposite of a functional human when writing that much and that quickly.

The long answer is - 

I’ve been making up stories literally as long as I can remember. I spent my childhood consuming stories. I taught myself to read and was during school I was consistently reading about 8 grade levels above my reading level, and loved learning about narrative structure. I annoyed the shit out of my older brother by reading the same book series as he read, but guessing plot points that were going to happen either in that book or else 2-3 books out. he didn’t get how I would just know and I’d be like “it’s obvious - that’s where the story has to go!” Because I was imagining it in my head - what i would do with it, where it would go, where it had to go. Closing the page mid0chapter and imagining the next-scene, and then picking back up to see how right or wrong I was.

And I had a best friend for most of my childhood through to early adulthood with whom I made stories. Every weekend, creating narratives together, not writing them down but basically roleplaying them by talking them out (voices and all, it was a heck of a lot of fun, as much as it made me pretty much the nerdiest teen in existence). We tried to write a novel when we were 12, got about 7 chapters in. We had a lot of starts and stops on other stories too.

Which isn’t said to stroke my own ego, it’s said to highlight that I have a metric fuckton of explicit and implicit practice at storytelling. It was and sort of is my “whole life”. I also had teachers that helped me develop storytelling skills, and was really freaking lucky to go to a school with an AP program for English that seriously stretched my ability to write fast. We had to write an essay every single class, during class, and have it finished by the end of class (or in less time if we had lecture stuff to go over too) in my last year of high school. The essays could be creative response (i.e., short stories). I wrote a short story almost every week in the space of an hour when I was 17. By the time I got to the end of year final and actually got to use a computer and type that shit instead of hand-cramping halfway through, I somehow managed to write the two-essay final in the allotted 3 hours and, i shit you not, had a wordcount of 6000 words. 

That’s still my record. It was probably a dumpster fire but I got 100% probably for sheer volume.

Anyway that was over a decade ago, but the whole reason this life story is pertinent is because - 

I have practice. The only way to improve at anything, to get faster at it, for it to ease, is to practice. Practice at storytelling, practice at having to set a scene using just words sitting in my BFF’s room and trying to describe the image I had in my head for how I wanted her to see the scene as it was playing out. Practice at writing fast and getting feedback on how to write. Practice implicitly at trying to imagine what routes stories can take. Practice taking stories apart and piecing them back together, in my head, all the time.

So that’s part of it. 

The other part, and this is what I said in my previous post, was depression. I was seriously fucking burnt out and depressed when I started writing coldflash fic, and grad school took a huge toll on my mental health. It’s easier to write when you’re doing it to procrastinate working on your dissertation, and easier to keep writing when you get positive feedback and it feeds those lovely dopamine gremlins in your brain who aren’t getting any positive validation from grad school because holy damn that shit is hard.

I had no balance in my life for a long time. It wasn’t good. I went to counselling. I got more balance. Fic slowed down. Still finished, but not 120k words in 3 months (that was the pace when I started fic writing...jfc I don’t know how I managed.) Life got harder. Fic was now harder to write. I got more counselling. Fic was easier to write. I moved around the world. Fic got harder to write. I started anti-depressants. Narratives now seem to be flowing again. 

Regardless of the state of my mental health though, I’ve never written as much as quickly as I did during the middle of grad school. And I think that’s because I was very narratively pent up when I started writing fic. I had been so busy and pushing myself so damn hard in grad school that I didn’t make almost any time for stories, for fic, for imagining my own stories. I was suppressing that side of myself in the service of Focus. So when I burnt out, my narrative side rebounded and said “fuck that noise, I still exist, and we’re making space for me”. It took over. I came literally a hair’s breadth from quitting my PhD post candidacy. Idk what type of program you’re in, but business schools in North America? It’s a 5 year PhD typically, and I was at the end of year 3 and eyeing the door.

Anyway - I say all that because - 

I am not a good example and you should not do what I did. Finishing that many long WIPs that quickly wasn’t healthy, and was only possible because I didn’t do much else at the time, and had a lifetime of practice and a narrative rebound to make it even possible. 

But - 

My actual advice?

1) Practice. Practice. Practice. 

Not all at once, but everything counts. Daydreaming counts. Watching shows and thinking of how they could be improved counts. Talking out story ideas with friends counts. Just make it fun. Practice is something we think of as arduous and annoying. Learning new words is practice. Meeting new people and considering their traits is practice. Everything can be practice for writing. All the research you do can be practice for writing. (Random note: a childhood coping mechanism for anxiety that I had was to narrate what I was doing to myself in my head in the 3rd person. Like telling a story of myself walking to gym class in my own head. That was also practice.)

2) Have fun with it! 

Don’t making writing an obligation. Then it’s another thing on the list of things you avoid. Finishing stories often feels like an obligation. I’m going through this right now with Needs Must. It can be hard to complete a WIP because you start to have internal anxieties about disappointing readers, not living up to expectations, exhaustion from that narrative, distraction / temporary loss of interest (which is normal! and not actually a bad thing!). All of that then makes you feel guilty, which makes it impossible to get into a creative space to write. You can’t work on the thing you’re avoiding.

3) It’s okay to give your WIPs breathing space. 

When you hit a wall, you may need to set it aside and read it again in a month with fresh eyes. You may need to treat your story like someone else’s story. That’s, again, literally where I’m at right now with Needs Must. I just reread a bunch of it and hadn’t really forgotten the details but once they’re on the page they’re out of my head, and so taking some time before going back to reread it made it easier for me to think of like I think of every other story: “what would I do next with this? Oh that’s a twist, that needs to come back later. There’s a theme here, we’ve seen that three times. What’s the best ending I, as a reader now, can imagine for this?”

If avoidance, guilt, and/or writer’s block aren’t your issue, and it’s literally just down to time management - 

4) Your graduate degree is more important than your WIPs. 

Your WIPs aren’t going anywhere, they don’t have a deadline, and your readers will wait for you, and new ones will find you. Time management is an essential, awful, part of being an academic. 

I get more done, both at work and creatively on fic, when I’m just a bit too busy, but that’s me. Figure out what is optimal for you, and do it. When do you get the most writing done? When you’re relieved? When you’re anxious? Late at night? First thing in the morning? When does it flow? When won’t it ruin your graduate career?

(Seriously I was writing fic at work last week and was kicking myself. I don’t have time for that shit! Set boundaries on your time!)

But full serious here, graduate school is exhausting, and almost inherently de-motivating, and even the best damn students eye the door a lot of the time, even if they do finish. It’s stressful and you feel constantly powerless. It’s a lot to need to cope with. I found writing to be a way to cope. That lit review you’re working on? Yeah, it’s zapping your time and energy. That’s normal (unfortunately). And it’s good to give yourself breaks from that to write. Don’t feel guilty for taking time here and there for yourself - to write, or to not write. To relax, unplug, unwind. To close your eyes and daydream (if you’re me) or have a bubble bath (if you’re my sister), or do whatever helps you honestly, genuinely destress. The best thing you can do for both writing and for graduate school is to take breaks and take time for yourself. There is actual science on the importance of breaks, and academics are fucking notorious for putting too much pressure on themselves to actually relax.

5) If you’re burnt out and/or depressed - seek help! 

Most universities have resources for mental health! Talk to a doctor! Don’t put too much stress and pressure on yourself! Almost half of grad students are mentally ill at some point!

6) Talk out your stories with friends! 

I know I already said this under “practice” but having a fandom friend to bounce ideas with and cheer you on is amazing and essentially. I was in constant contact with Bealeciphers when I started writing, and now I have a different friend who’s helped me the past couple years with writing and developing my stories. Mostly they cheer me on, and when I’m stuck, I tell them where the story is going and what I need help with. But honestly, writing doesn’t need to happen in a vacuum and doesn’t need to be you hunched over a laptop in the dark all alone and staring blankly at a screen (I’m definitely not projecting here, no siree). It’s amazing how motivating it is and how much it can help you stay on track to check in regularly with other writing friends!

7) Pick your battles.

You say you have a... couple(?) of WIPs? How many are you juggling? Is it too many? Do you need to set one (or two??) aside? When my steam was slowly and AATJS and Tumbling Together started to feel like a chore, I set TT aside and took a month break from AATJS then dived right back into AATJS (with the help of the friend mentioned above, cheering me on) because I knew it would be the harder one to finish, and the one that I feared I’d never finish if I put it aside too long. I tackled the biggest hurdle first. If that’s the type of thing for you, I recommend it. Pick the story that’s either the most or least likely to get finished, and focus your energy there.

Another battle-picking thing here? It’s okay to outsource. I’m terrible for not using a proofreader beta. It’s a weird control thing, despite the fact that I love people pointing out typos in my works so I can freaking fix them. The point here is: don’t be like me. If you suck at finding your own typos, use a beta or proofreader. My writer friend who helps me helps when I get stuck. I help them when they need feedback on specific scenes and tones, and I’ve recently discovered they hate editing (I love editing) so this entertains me to no end. Just - you don’t have to do it all yourself. If you feel like you do, see points 5 and 6 again.

Aaaannnddd that’s that. Whew. I just spent... wow, too long on this. I spent as much time on this as I did on my own grad student’s lit review I was providing feedback on today ^^; #whoops 

[dogtastictraining]

The Problems with Positive Training

I have had a few conversations and clients recently that have made me reflect on the problems I encounter with doing positive dog training and trying to educate and train pet owners this way.

1. It’s slow. 

Training is just learning for your dog. Some things take a short time to learn and some take longer. 

For example, to learn to read we really really practice that! Start small, easy words, short sentences, and work up to bigger books, longer sentences.. maybe an encyclopedia! (Hopefully everyone reading this knows what that is). 

Some things take a shorter period to learn, either because it’s an easier concept or because the learner is already in a good mindset for learning. 

For example, if I moved into a new house and have to remember where the towels are kept, that’s a relatively easy concept that will take me a much shorter time to learn then to read. 

As for the state of mind of the learner, this is different for everyone. I find that some people can see something demonstrated just once and then pretty much duplicate that, and some people need to be shown several times. For me, I am a visual learner rather than auditory. If someone explains something to me, I would much rather see it demonstrated or do it myself to really cement the learning. So dogs are no different. 

For our dogs, something like sit is an easy concept and takes a fairly short time to train. But a nice Heel or desensitizing to something the dog is afraid of, those are big concepts and take a lot longer time to train with more repetitions. 

To get the dog into the right learning mindset, simple commands and tricks help with that, such as a Touch (nose target) command. When the dog is engaged and eager to learn, they pick new things up much quicker, and that is a good place to be, especially if you have to tackle any serious behaviors.

2. People do it wrong. 

I’m including this in the problems with positive training because it is, in fact a problem we experience with positive training, and one that gives it a bad rap (rep?). For example, luring is a common concept we use in training classes, such as to lure the dog into a sit position by placing a treat up and over their head. However, I find that students rely on the lure for WAY too long.. much longer than needed so that what the dog learns is not the concept of sit, but that sit only happens with the treat in the hand or above the dog’s head.

Here is a picture of me luring two dogs into a Bow.

The concept of fading (getting rid of) the lure is something we go over in my training classes - getting the lure out of the hand as soon as possible - and I test students on it in week 2. However, luring is easy, and it yields a quick result. And most of us have a button on pride - we want our dogs to be successful and look good. So it easily creeps back in to the owner’s training.. handicapping the dog at a rudimentary level.

So what’s the problem with always having a treat in your hand? We are treat training after all! Well, then we end up with a dog who literally can’t do the behavior without a treat because it is SO unpracticed (they have had 1,000 repetitions of the behavior with a treat in your hand, and 0 without a treat). Therefore the treat also becomes a clue/cue/context for the behavior to occur - just as the verbal command is a cue for the behavior. 

3. There are not many quick fixes. 

One way I think of positive training is learning through higher education vs pain. Stick with me here - pain is very useful as a learning clue, but it is not the only way and does not have to be the primary way. 

For example, one of my clients has a dog that chased cars on her property (not an uncommon behavior). She did not teach him an alternative behavior or manage his environment so that he was not able to chase cars, and therefore he got hit one day. 

It was minor and nothing was broken, and the dog is fine. But as a result, he now no longer chases cars (at least does not go as close as he used to). So in this scenario, the painful experience was actually a productive learning experience for him in that it is inhibiting a very dangerous behavior. (Just to be clear I am not advocating this as a solution and would have addressed it much differently!!! But the fact still remains that it happened and he learned.) 

It works the same for humans as well. Think about those of us that have ever had a broken heart or had a relationship go south, then you are more guarded and reserved to have that happened again because it was a painful experience.

By contrast, I have burned myself many times while cooking. Each time it is painful, each time I do not want it to repeat, but it is not painful enough for me to never do that behavior ever again, or for me to stop cooking. This is why pain is not always the best learning tool, because you do not know how it is for the learner. I have seen a dog be put on a prong collar for the first time and be so uncomfortable with the sensation that they never pulled against it. And I have seen dogs that either didn’t care, desensitized to it, grew callouses, etc. and kept pulling anyway.

So pain is usually involved in a quick fix. 

But with positive we are trying to actually educate the dog. Teach him not to run on the road. To lay down when he sees a car coming until it’s out of sight, then he can move again, or practice him staying on the side and letting it go past and getting rewarded for that... there are a bunch of ways it could have been trained. Then it’s something the dog has LEARNED without the painful/traumatic incident. There is an alternative behavior for the dog to DO. Rather than the absence of behavior.

Instead of - don’t chase cars (leaving the dog with a void of what to do), it’s - do this behavior instead.

However, that takes time to train. A longer time depending on how long the behavior has been happening, how motivated the dog is to do the behavior, and the frequency of the training.

And I get it, not everyone has the time, wants to make the time, cares enough, etc. to actually train the dog. Many want a quick fix, and often positive training can’t provide that.

4. It takes effort. 

One thing people frequently comment on is how well behaved my dog Buck is, and how they want their dog to be trained like him. Well guess what, he gets trained every day - not always something big, but always something. When he was a puppy I would use his meals to train something, and then line my family up to show off his tricks. I would plan my schedule so that I could include him for a training walk or adventure. I walked him every day and trained on every walk. Get the point?! He was not born that good. He is the sum of his experiences and his training. At his core he is really a nervous dog and would have really bad separation anxiety if he had been with an owner that did less.

My dog Buck. 

I’m not saying you can only have a trained dog if you do all that, but you do have to do a lot. Especially when they are puppies, up through probably 3 years old is when many start to settle down and get into a good groove.

Sometimes you might have to shift your life around to be more conducive for your dog. Sometimes you have to cancel plans. Sometimes your puppy is not your dream dog... yet. And no, it’s not always fun. Yes it’s a lot of work. But that is life! Everything good takes hard work!

Positive training is a lot like losing weight. You have to actually do the work - there are no quick fixes, no weight loss pills that actually work, coconut oil is not the miracle! 😂 You have to be thoughtful about the food you eat, maybe not eat exactly what you want all the time, exercise, etc. Just signing up for the gym does nothing.. you have to actually GO and actually work out.

Positive training is the same - you have to actually train your dog. Repetitions. Consistency. Repetitions. Should I repeat it again or do we get the point?! 😂 Your dog jumps on people? Have someone practice coming in and out of the door 20 times. Then have someone else do that. And then again next week. And again. Until your dog gets it. You can’t just practice with me when I get there, or practice once a month (or not at all!) and expect your dog to learn a new behavior.

5. It’s misunderstood. 

Many people think of positive training as too soft - too permissive. “Can I say No to my dog?” On a whole we are trying to train first rather than setting up for failure (not telling the dog what to do and then correcting them for a mistake they did not know was a mistake is setting up for failure). 

But do I say no to dogs? Sure! If a dog runs into the road, you betcha I’m gonna yell No! I’m not going to ignore that behavior in lieu of him getting hit or something. 🤦‍♀️ But those are safety points. It’s not the same as having a dog pull on leash and saying no - this is when most people try to use the word. Or a puppy is playing keep away and the owner is yelling no. For me, these are moments where training and management allow us to be better and more productive than the word no.

However, outside of the word no (even if you never use it) the point is that all dogs need boundaries, and these need to be clearly defined and always consistent. 

For example, we don’t allow dogs on furniture in my house. But when I used to board and train dogs, many of those dogs were allowed up at their house. Was this a big deal? No. If the dog jumped on the couch I just immediately said uh-uh and then pulled them off. Sometimes it took a few reps of that, but pretty quickly the dogs learned they got pet on the floor, and if they went on the couch they were immediately pulled off.

That’s an example of consistency - I did that every time so they quickly learned. Was it super painful? No. Did I use a shock collar? No. Did they learn? Yes. Is that still positive training? Yes.

And that’s the point. Is just saying the word No does nothing, but No followed by a consequence (removal from the furniture, the room, the person, etc.) means something. 

Positive training does not mean your dog has no rules and boundaries. In fact I think that is awful and very stressful for a dog to have no rules. But can your rules be nice and fair? Absolutely! And they don’t have to be the silly old ones like you have to walk through the door first. They just have to be house rules that they can count on.

Compassion in Training

Those are some of the points I run into most often with regards to training. In my immediate area I am up against a few big name e-collar trainers who can promise quick fixes. I cannot. 🤷‍♀️

But I can promise you a way of training that is the way we should treat each other and animals - with kindness, compassion, fairness, and pain-free wherever possible. 

Incidentally, I can also promise that the techniques of positive training will not permanently scar or break your dog in any way. Most e-collar trainers do not include THAT in their guarantee. 

I was raised with the fundamental saying that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated. And that is how I think we should strive to treat our dogs as well.

Becky Pesicka, CPDT-KA, CNWI runs Dogtastic Training, a positive training company in California.