#have a lot of neurotic tendencies. you know how it is

[dirtbra1n]

nice

[asstrolo]

astrology observations for sad people

— the signs who I personally believe are really misunderstood by their peers are often capricorns and aquarius because of their saturnian tendencies where they become the mature, bigger person or are aloof of how they're presenting themselves, they always think they know better or people feel very intimidated by their personalities and, because people don't understand them, they alienate them,

— aries and scorpio as they are very intense, over confident people, other's might feel put-off by them, they can be very controlling and have a "I don't care" kind of personality that doesn't usually goes well with others, their ways of always trying to make themselves clear and understood causes the opposite effect, they are often misjudged as villainous or mean,

— geminis are also put in a place of having to know better, not given a chance or space to mess up as they are very intelligent people and show it, others might have big expectations which are often not met since they prefer to do what makes them happy and makes them curious, they tend to over-inflate themselves, or the opposite, and people take their words too seriously or not at all, very polarizing sign.

— a stellium in 4th can be super difficult to deal with, specially if it falls on not easy planets like mars, or saturn, uranus, or pluto. These people are always dragged back to their family issues no matter how much they try to escape, their parents maybe gave them too much responsibilities as little kids or vented to their child without thinking of the consequences, if these people ever decide to have a family they should always consider if they're doing it because they want to or because it is what's expected of them.

— chiron in social signs as gemini, aquarius and libra feel very alienated at all times, having social interactions is a learning experience for them, whether is good or bad, I also notice people usually get obsessed with them? They don't respect these people¡s space or it could be the other way around, to me is a placement where you'll learn to not be socially inept or teach people how to treat you right for some reason?

— saturn IS a complicated planet, it depends on the person's other planets and aspects how they deal with saturn, a person with moon conjuct saturn has a harder time dealing with their emotions than a capricorn moon. Even when the energies are similar, they don't have the same impact.

— now, a person with a capricornian stellium or dominant does deal with the saturn energy much comfortably than a person with sun trine saturn, because they were born with it. I personally believe you accommodate, or your aspects accommodate to you as you grow and evolve as a person.

— a pisces stellium, specially if is on moon or ascendants, is very perceptive to other's opinion on them, not in a superficial way but more on a "does this person thinks i'm being fair or mean?" Let's not forget the sister sign of Pisces is Virgo, so these signs also share the analytical or more neurotic way of seeing the world. A Pisces Rising is very self-aware of how they come off to people or how they are seen, they might not show it or say anything about it, a Pisces mercury might be self-conscious about how they approach others, how their voice sounds or how they come off when talking.

— I do believe leo's have a harder time being appreciated by people, as they devote to other's so easily they could neglect themselves in the process. Is the kind of person who is always looking out for someone to make happy or to make them feel comfortable because is something they want reciprocated. But this is a thing that can happen to fire signs a lot, they can be overbearing or too kind to people that it ends up backfiring on them, they have a very childlike mentally.

— is true what they say, a 12th house stellium in a natal chart makes the person passive and/or too in their own world, they have premonitions in dreams, but I've also seen these individuals have a really hard time with sleep, they have paranormal experiences a lot that some of them are used to it. They can be in some sort of medication, but not all, and not always these people are medicated or doing substances, they have an easier time to have out-of-body experiences, like lucid dreaming or sleep paralysis, these can occur because these people are super sensitive and get easily drained and stressed. Is important they are taking care of their energy at all times, I've met many that have one, two or more 12th house placement where I've found out some other person has been doing some sort of witchcraft on them, or have a big negative energy that this 12th houser sucks accidentally.

— having a mercurial dominant or rising can be super difficult when it comes to feeling, they tend to rationalize everything too much, are easily distracted and indulgent, they are very, very anxious at all times on all situations, even if they show otherwise. they overthink things too much, are the kind to be incredibly self-aware or completely out of touch with themselves.

— the ascendant aspecting negatively the mercury gives the individual speech impediment or a very shy personality, an almost inaudible voice or a raspy one, people with this placement have a harder time getting their thoughts across, or people might misinterpret them.

— keeping the conversation going, mercury negatively aspecting saturn makes a shy and reserved person, someone who, as a kid or a teen, has problems with being heard, or people simply didn't care or asked for this person's opinions, they might had been very codependent on an adult or somebody else to talk or to get to be seen, as they grow older they learn to communicate rather excellently, they might want to treat their shyness or whatever problem they have with unwanted attention or negligence

— neptune in personal houses like the 1st, 7th, 4th or 10th is really tricky. you might ignore gut feelings bout certain individuals, or on the contrary, believe someone is good when they aren't. these people can be their own worst enemies as they are super perceptive of how they come across to others, or how others make them feel.

— neptune in the 1st is common on actors and models and singers, usually on famous people, because they can create a fantasy of how they want people to see them, or act like chameleons around people, this creates a series of identity crisis during their lives.

— neptune in 7th is prone to feel things that really aren't there? they convince themselves somebody hates them or likes them for just one interaction, these individuals are like a sponge in social situations and they take everything somebody tells them to the heart. they also are known to lie a lot to people on behalf of good manners, they like to be liked.

— neptune in 4th house has a really confusing or unclear family situation, they might adopt the role of the parent when they shouldn't, or are treated as a child even as an adult, something in their family, in what they think is normal growing up, isn't. the most likely to stay in a bad situation for many, many years because they don't know any better, or think it's normal.

— neptune in 10th, although it deals with fame and impersonal relationships, to me, is just as fundamental as the houses listed above. they don't see themselves through their own eyes, or feel like they depend on other's perceptions on themselves too much, they are confident, or pretend it really well. these individuals know how to act the part, how to commit to the bit, they never feel that sense of belonging anywhere, because they might show different parts of their personalities to different people

— for me, the hardest moons to have are capricorn, scorpio and virgo.

— capricorn moon is a strictly analytical sign, they don't feel comfortable in the moon as is where the emotions and insecurities shine the most.

— scorpio moon is a very intense sign, as opposite to the Capricorn, they can be super emotional, or completely numb, very extremist and their emotions are black or white, polarizing.

— virgo moon is extremely difficult, they don't like to have to feel things, they like to think and act with precaution and it's hard for them to let their emotions slip, the kind of friend who'd have the most practical advice to all sort of topics, a helpful hand in all situations, but when it comes to them as individuals, they let themselves be too much, their head is always at a thousand percent. From what I've gathered of this moon is that, yes, they are neurotic when it comes to certain things, but completely careless to others, and it's usually to themselves, you won't ever see a Virgo moon misbehave or dress bad, but they can hold a lot of suppressed shame or anger or sadness, like they tie it with a bow in a box and keep it locked.

— lastly, no aspect or moon or sign is bad, they are just more difficult than others, there are people with easy aspects, like sun sextile or trine jupiter, they are prone to idealization and inferiority complexes. it's true that a person that has the harmonious aspects is lazier or gets unmotivated way easier. nothing is really set in stone, you can have a moon conjunct saturn and a cancer mercury in 9th house, your way of expressing yourself is more reserved, but optimistic and even childlike. when it comes to astrology, every single aspect and sign, and house counts to describe a person.

[nekomanager]

HOW THEY ARE IN BED ♡ WIND BREAKER

headcanons - ft. suo, sakura, nirei, ume

—[♡] SUO HAYATO

Suo will be extremely doting and perceptive. This one would definitely be stimulating your senses and your feelings 💖. He's so in tuned with your emotions and with what makes you feel good. He is extra slow and very precise it’s almost a place unexplored. You gotta be begging him please. Like a lot. And he'll chuckle in your helplessness finding it cute.

"Fine, you really like it that much, huh?" he'll say with cheeky sweet smile on his face.

He’d see into it that there’s not a significant distance between you and would snake himself around you. Your breaths in each other's lips as he penetrates you deep, the tip of his cock is kissing your womb ever so slightly. Every movement of his lips on your body is a kiss and yes, that sweet sweet mouth never leaves you and here you thought he's only good at talking.

He’s in love with your moans, he hears them as your ‘i love you’s’. Suo would shower you with compliments and he’d say it like he’s breathless over you every time

“Sweet…you’re just so sweet.” he’d tell you whenever he’d get a taste of your skin, your lips or your pussy/dick. But ain’t he the sweetest? His gentle words and profession of love is reflected by how gentle yet firm he holds your hips with every stroke. You feel the intensity of his emotions for you by how he pushes in and out, losing himself into you. Suo's very last cry would be your name and you cradled him to your arms as you drowned in his love. Not to mention, aftercare king.

—[♡] SAKURA HARUKA

Sakura will be intense. There's no other way to put it. He has a tendency to lose himself with all the rough pounding and grinding which will definitely leave marks he'd be proud to have on you. He'll try to pace himself down as there's still that sweetheart side of him that wants to be slow, gentle and affectionate no matter how hard he denies. Because of this shyness, he prefers to take you from behind, at first.

"How're you feeling it, Y/N?! Do you want it harder?!" He grunts, wishing you'd say yes.

If you say yes, well, you'll get what you're asking for, he'll pounce on you, until you feel so full and almost close to sore you're losing your mind. He has a high stamina, he blooms right when he's getting the hang of it, and he just can't seem to get enough once you started it. He gets better and better in making you crazy. He's all or nothing and will pour a hundred percent of himself in fucking you and in spilling all of him inside you, feeling a sense of pride that it was a part of him that's leaking inside your precious little hole.

You can't help but loudly express the overwhelming pleasure he brings you. Your head is filled by the sound of your groaning and your bodies bumping against each other as he grind on you raw.

He is wants to be the best and strongest and he just have the perfect package to make you feel just that. Sakura muffles your scream with a kiss as you scratch his back. As you calmed down together, he held you close in his arms, all wrapped around you like. Then, your eyes met and you know he's down for another again.

—[♡] NIREI AKIHIKO

Nirei will be a big worshipper. This one is down for any kink you want. Roleplay? You got it, honey!

“R-really, you want that? A-are you serious?” his voice gradually diminishing from neurotic to shy.

As long as it doesn't hurt you.

Deep inside though, he is already planning to deliver what you desire. because he’s goddamn prepared. All the time. He got those mental notes of every kink, turn on and sensitive spot you have, and he'll use it to make you feel good.

He’d be your master, your servant…he’d be anything you’d ask him to. Your pleasure is his command. His best role ever. He’s your genie in bed and would grant any of your wishes, constantly asking you if he’s doing it right, do you feel good, and lavishing you with how much he’d do everything for you.

Harder? He’d do it and he won’t stop until he sees satisfaction in your face, in the trembling of your body and in the way you cried out his name.

But if you want the other way around…

This boy won’t hesitate to dominate you if that’s what you like…would even get fired up when he notices your excitement. It’s exciting because you get to see the serious part of him in a pleasurable way. He’d grip on your wrists very tightly until he leaves marks which he will be kissing in the morning, because you want him to do it, right?

He’d tease you, tentatively kissing the inside of your thighs and letting out soft breaths on your most sensitive part, “You want this, y/n? Tell me. Please say it.”

—[♡] UMEMIYA HAJIME

Ume will be very doting matched with his unique gentle firmness. Under his touch, you’re like a moth drawn to a flame cuz he’s blazing with desire all for you it can't be contained. You feel vulnerable and exposed but loving it.

With that unstoppable mouth of his, he’d kiss you in the dirtiest way and would say the dirtiest things.

“Just hear how wet I made you.”

“This feels too good, Y/N. Do you feel it too? Yes? Yes?”

How you’d wish he’d stop talking because it’s making you feel even hotter/harder/wetter, but you cannot help but answer, “Yes! That’s it! That's so good.” God damn, it's just his tongue! And if that isn’t still enough, he feels more energized hearing your intoxicated helplessness.

“Now, we’re going deeper," as he dug deep inside of you, you feel your hole stretching. He burns you in pleasure with every thrusts as your head spin, hazy fire red in your vision. You scream his name as he takes you there. He collapses on you and cuddles.

Looking at you, a smile formed on his face. “You were quite loud back there. It’s cute!”

Your face heats up and it is sure that you’re blushing like hell. It’s his fault!

@pixelcafe-network

[actuallysaiyan]

Call Me Mom!(Toshinori Yagi x Fem!Reader)

warnings: fluff, Izuku calling reader mom by accident, blood, mentions of having children, awkwardness word count: 1k pairings: Toshinori Yagi x Fem!Reader summary: When Izuku accidentally calls you mom one day, you decide to have a talk with Inko to clear things up. But she's more than happy to know her son has someone else to look up to and that supports him... a/n: dividers by @adornedwithlight

It all happened so fast. Within a blink of an eye really. 

“Thanks, mom!”

The words almost sounded like they came out of his mouth in slow motion. You looked over at young Midoriya, your eyes wide. Before any of you could say anything else, Toshinori is coughing up blood and excusing himself.

“Uh–no I mean thank you, sensei!”

But the words had already come out of Izuku’s mouth. Your heart was racing. Your mind was trying to catch up with everything else. Then you look down at the young man you were just helping with his equipment.

He’s blushing and muttering to himself, trying to make himself feel better about the blunder. You don’t even know what to say or how to react to make it all better. In fact, you’re muttering to yourself now, making Toshinori worry about the both of you. You feel a strong hand on your shoulder and when you turn to face your partner, you notice that he has such a soft smile on his face.

“It was an accident, dear. Right, young Midoriya?”

Midoriya nods his head, “Y-yeah!”

But this accident leads you to having dinner with the boy’s mom. His actual mother.

You fussed over what you’d wear. You were nearly tearing out your hair trying to look presentable. This was an important night after all.

Ever since you and Toshinori started dating, you have taken a liking to Izuku as well. How could you not? The boy was so charming, despite his neurotic and obsessive tendencies. Seeing him idolize your lover, you knew that Izuku was a genuinely kind person. And it didn’t take him long to become attached to you as well. That’s how you got into this mess anyway.

Toshinori is your rock in this situation. He rings the doorbell, a box of gourmet pastries shuffled in his hands. You try to smooth back your hair for the umpteenth time. You feel so nervous about this. You had never met Inko, but you heard lots of good things about her from both Izuku and Toshinori.

Izuku opens the door, his eyes alight with joy and idolization when he sees both you and Toshi in your best outfits. He invites you both in, guiding you to the dining room. You finally get a chance to see the home where Izuku grew up. 

Inko is standing at the counter, her own cheeks slightly pink. When her son set this dinner up, she wasn’t quite sure how to react. But she knew that it was important for you and her to finally meet. Especially since Izuku wouldn’t stop talking you up.

“Mom, they’re here!” Izuku calls. 

Inko gets a good look at you and she’s blushing even more. You aren’t sure how to react to any of this. Your hand clutches Toshi’s in a form of settling your already frazzled nerves. Inko turns to Midoriya, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

“ Izuku, you didn’t say she was so young! And you tell me they are dating?! ”

Her words cause your lover to cough up blood. You’re so quick to pull a handkerchief from your purse and you wipe the blood away. When Inko sees how tender you are with the older man, it’s obvious to her how much you love him.

Despite the little setback, dinner goes off without a hitch. You and Inko actually find you have much in common. And you even help her with the dishes afterwards. When Izuku leads Toshinori into his room, this gives you and her a moment to actually talk.

“I can see why you two are together,” she says as she hands you a plate to dry. “Toshinori-san is very taken with you.”

You blush and nearly drop the plate. “Huh?! Oh…we met through this job. When he started teaching, I found myself wanting to help him out.”

Inko laughs, “Izuku told me you were sweet. I’m glad I get to see this.”

You want to tell her about what happened the other day. You nervously look around before you turn to face her. Her eyes widen a little at your now serious face. Then she’s growing worried when you begin to cry.

“Inko-sama. I’m so so sorry! Izuku called me mom by accident the other day! I didn’t want to make this awkward and now I’ve gone and ruined everything! I’m so sorry.”

When you begin bowing to her, she knows she needs to stop you. With a motherly touch, she places her hand on your shoulder. Immediately you find yourself calming down. You sniffle softly, looking at her curiously.

“It’s fine. Really, it is. Please don’t apologize.” Inko smiles. “I’m so happy my son has someone else to look up to. And it’s only natural that he would see you that way.”

You cock your head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t see me as often as he used to. Me and Izuku used to do everything together. I know that he’s growing up and becoming stronger, but he needs someone to watch over him in a motherly way. And I’m glad it’s you.”

She pulls you into her arms, rubbing your back soothingly. You begin to feel so much warmth radiating from her. Inko was a very good mother, but there was something even more there that you couldn’t put your finger on. Izuku was a lucky boy to have her.

“Thank you. Inko-sama.”

She laughs., “No need to be so formal. Inko is fine.”

The two of you return to your task. Then she turns to you and smirks.

“So, I suppose this means you and Toshinori will be having children of your own soon?”

The question causes you to drop a plate this time. You turn to watch as your husband coughs up blood for the second time this evening, his eyes wide. Izuku and Inko look at each other and laugh.

“What’s so funny?! How can you laugh at a time like this?!” You ask, trying to pick up the pieces of the broken plate.

Izuku smirks. “Because you both had the same look on your face!”

Inko and Izuku both imitate you and Toshinori, leaving you and your partner just a little speechless. Then he takes your hand in his, smiling at you. Then he looks at Izuku.

“That would make you a big brother, wouldn’t it, young Midoriya?”

Izuku’s eyes widen and his cheeks burn. Toshinori gets the last laugh tonight.

reblogs and comments always appreciated!

©actuallysaiyan 2024– do not repost on other platforms, copy, translate or edit my works!

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tag @mk-writes-stuff!

Character Interaction Tag

Rules: post the OCs of the people who tagged you and one of your OCs and say how yours would interact with theirs

MK's OC: Belladonna is a noblewoman in her early 20s of a space station floating in the void. She has recently been betrothed to a man she hates and informed that she is going to be replaced as the heir by a new younger sibling she will have soon. Belladonna is a highly anxious, neurotic young woman who holds herself and others whose appearances reflect on her own to an impossibly high standard and punishes herself (primarily via not eating, as she has severe anorexia) whenever these standards aren’t met. She has a kind heart and a clever, incisive mind behind all of her struggles, but years of abuse from her parents have driven her to disbelieve her own value and skills.

My OC: Ivander Montane is a 30 year old corrupt detective from the trade city of Unity. He has blue blood and double-pointed ears, wears fancy suits, and walks with a cane. His estranged family runs the banks of Unity, however he left them years ago, and in doing so, broke a divine contract, which left him cursed to slowly and painfully be transmuted into mist over the course of many years. Personality-wise, he's kind of a privileged shithead. He's got the catty attitude and love of gossip of a middle school girl, and can insult your outfit just as acutely. He doesn't have a sincere bone in his body and is afraid of any form of intimacy. However, deep down, he really just wants a friend and to not be in pain anymore. Show him the slightest hint of compassion and he will crumble. His hobbies include being a hater, fashion, and marksmanship (he's a crack shot with a rune rifle). All in all, he's got the snark of a drag queen, the heart of a lonely noir detective, and a body that's been through a cheese grater.

How they'd interact: Honestly, I think Belladonna and Ivander have a lot to bond over. They're both from abusive, aristocratic familys. They both tend to be effete and neurotic. They both have a complications relationship with power. However, they've also got about a snowball's chance in hell of actually talking these things out. I think Belladonna would be immediately untrusting of Ivander, which isn't a bad move. For his part, Ivander would probably underestimate Belladonna's cunning, seeing only her anxiety. If they ended up as rivals, I think they'd play some absolute mindgames with each other. Death Note level shenanigans. If they ended up as allies, I think Ivander would see a lot of himself in Belladonna. He'd encourage her to reach her potential, to not care what her family thinks, and to curb her self-destructive tendencies, as he knows what roads that can lead down. He'd also 100% try to set her and Cassie up, likely recruiting Nellie to help. Probably though, Ivander would just end up as some weird information broker Belladonna knows and trades witty banter with. Cassie would probably end up throwing him into a wall like undercooked pasta for being a shit.

Thanks again, hope you like this one! I'll tag @kaylinalexanderbooks @somethingclevermahogony @tinywater @pluppsauthor and anyone else who wants to play :)

[funpuddle]

just some character shitt for future things i may want to do

I think the cornflakes characters would work better as a dynamic if instead of being strict to the comic lore, i just started all over, start all over at a point in time where they've all known eachother a while. i kind have basically been using this oversimplified outline for their characters when i think of them anytime now aside for the Other comic ive been working on on my patreon, which is just a weird nebulous Thing.

derek the dog wasn't always a dog, sometimes he wishes he weren't bitten by a weredog all those years ago, but he's come to embrace his doggyness, he sees no point in being hung up about the past. Derek is functionally an optimist, he's also really annoying and not in a cute spongebob way, he's a socially inept frat-reject douche, real immature. bunjee contrasts this by taking Dereks metaphor of Bad Thing happened to you that changed you a lot and making it literal, but he's incapable of moving past it, he comes off as the smarter and more reserved one from a subsurface glance but he's just a bitter, neurotic, sad little man. I want to make it clear how both of them are gullible and hopeless. theyre both vaguely victims of The Forces of Evil but derek doesn't question the way things are, and is just happy to live the closest approximation to the status quo. bunjee ruminates and festers, bunjee is more afraid and thinks theres more to be afraid of than there really is. bunjee tries to overcorrect this by letting impulsive and destructive tendencies get the best of him when he's vulnerable. bunjee doesn't see dereks pain as real, he sees him as too stupid to feel pain, a total rube or NPC, but he's so so jealous. Derek represents everything Bunjee wants for himself, and he wants to be stupider but doesn't realize he already is as stupid. just in different ways. god damn it this basically is a spongebob and squidward thing isnt it.

dusty fits into this by showing another response to trauma (i hope its clear by trauma i don't mean anything in specific, it could be events in their lives to just living in their comically surreal evil world, don't make fun of me man) that isn't moving on OR rocking-back-and-fourth-levels of neurosis, but detachment. If their world is chaos then dusty tries to match it, where as derek is passive to it, and bunjee spirals inwardly. Dusty doesn't put on a front of happiness but he is indeed chemically impaired over half the time, the rest of the time he's really badly grappling with the side effects of letting shit fester in the background for so long, he's wiser than the other two though.

All of these characters are capable of matching each others energy, two on two, in given circumstance, they all have overlap and they have hard barriers. contrasting and complimentary existences as one unit

none of this really gets into how they feel about each other beyond how bunjee feels about derek because i haven't fleshed out how dusty contrasts/compliments the other two nearly enough in my mind, and i'm not confident in what i do have. the gay shit wouldn't be as massive or monumental i can tell you that much but it would be a turning point. wouldn't make dusty as outwardly hateful to derek and would make dusty a little meaner to bunjee. the gay shit would feel better that way anyways. even the playing field.

smith would just straight up not exist if i could do it over again. i don't know why i added him into cornflakes comic to start, he's pretty funny with derek at least but beyond existing for the sake of it i don't find him useful as a fourth main character anymore.

i'll probably edit this as i figure out how to articulate more. it feels gay to just put it out there because i don't want the few cornflakes fans taking it the wrong way. i feel gay for typing that too, like im on some high horse, ohhhh here's my epic character lore isn't it just sooo realll. not that serious

[marierg]

Bad Batch Hemlock Analysis

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!

WARNING: Talk of sociopaths, serial killers, and death!

Do not Read under the cut if you haven't watched!!!!!!!

Alright Homies hang in there with me cause I'm dusting off my old Investigatory skills for this one. I will start off with I had to watch these episodes twice just to be sure of a few things and then went back and re watched a few of the other ones and let me tell you, we got some interesting clues here.

I will give this small bit of my background for reference. Before working in the medical field I earned my way through college by working for Law Enforcement and other Public Safety Departments for the metropolitan county that I resided in. Additionally a lot of my family are Law Enforcement, specifically Prosecutorial Investigators. During my service time I worked undercover flushing out and apprehending child traffickers & killers among others. This is a civilian version of how we used to work up files.

Below I will include a work up for Hemlock and what we can extrapolate.

Royce Hemlock:

Caucasian Male, mid 40's to maybe 50 years old

Occupation: Scientist, head of the Imperial Advanced Science Division.

The first thing we can analyze is that the writers gave us the set up within Hemlock's first appearance, he's the stereotypical profile of a Sociopathic Killer. Most Sociopaths become serial killers around 30 yeas of age but sometimes as early as their teens. Most are Caucasian males, are we getting the picture...

Sociopathic tendencies and behaviors:

Superficial charm and good intelligence

Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking

Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations

Unreliability- still hasn't delivered results to the emperor

Untruthfulness and insincerity- he lies as easily as breathing

Lack of remorse and shame

Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior- Apologizes because he knows its the social norm, not because he is sorry.

Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience

Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love

General poverty in major affective reactions- In other words his reaction (with few exceptions) is the calm flat affect. He doesn't respond to the threat at the compound with panic but annoyance and possibly feeling inconvenienced. His gaze is dissociative and blank.

Specific loss of insight- His ego is so inflated that he can't see past the work he does to acknowledge the danger in the room, he will never believe himself to be in danger if he fails.

Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations- He barely acknowledges Tarkin and the others in the room, never calls his collogues on Tantis by name. They just exist in his world.

Fantastic and uninviting behavior with alcohol and sometimes without- the anger that sometimes slips past the facade

Suicide threats rarely carried out

Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated

Failure to follow any life plan

Facts and theory: For being a by all accounts a brilliant scientist he was expelled from the Republic Science Corp for, "Unorthodox experimentation." I will tell you now that for the Republic to have charged and expelled a Scientist it would have a) taken time to build a case and b) like any serial killer that means that Hemlock was at this for a good while.

We can also gather that Hemlock must have been at least somewhat successful at his work. At some point the Emperor (then chancellor) took notice of him and the experiments and saw an opportunity (and fellow sociopath). What is truly unknown at this point is if the the Emperor knew about Hemlock before, during, or after his prosecution and expulsion. However what we can gather is that soon after his expulsion the Emperor ushered him into his hidden science division and out of sight to keep working.

Victims: For the Republic to have prosecuted him there would have had to be complaints which led (I would put hard credits) to victims and bodies. another question that this raises is whether or not Hemlock was betrayed by his former collogues and or that he brought in former coworkers and scientists by recruitment or force. We have seen examples of the kind of leverage pulling by using families against imperials before in Rogue one.

Hemlock shows no regard for sentient life whatsoever. we've seen this first hand, but we are also seeing a behavior that is long past set in stone. What this means is that prior to his expulsion he was doing these experiments in plain or partial sight. This means that he was keeping records off the republic files, but probably still within the facilities, he would have to lie or falsify docs regularly to continue gathering data.

In the real health care world there is a reason that Doctors cannot download or access files except at certain terminals to prevent sensitive data transfer. Somehow Hemlock would have found a way around the safety firewalls and data trackers in the system to gather his data, but it would have still left a trail to follow. When confronted Hemlock probably would have had to have had some type of false or cover research study to try to explain things away, especially if they searched his files. Again he lies as easily as breathing, his work is the only thing that matters.

Along that line of thought is the reflection of his affect towards others, he has ever shown two emotions and one of them extreme anger. While normally controlled and clinically detached Hemlock has reacted with extreme anger when his work has been threatened, not his life but his work. He reflects all of his self importance onto his scientific achievements and when someone or something comes between his reaction is anger and (possibly) violence. Another question is how many of his subjects suffered in extreme because of how the experiments were failing. This is a particularly concerning thought with regards to Crosshair, remember what Emerie was telling him about cooperating? This means that it's happened before and witnessed by Dr. Karr.

Another Tactic that Hemlock has employed often and to great effect is emotional manipulation. This man understands finding the chink in the armor and how to twist that to perfection. We saw this with the single minded search and recovery of Omega in order to get Nala Se to work again. Hemlock doesn't care that he's traumatizing a child or even if he ends up killing her. "She will suffer your consequences."

We see this again as Hemlock throws Tech's goggles at Hunter's feet. Not just the physical action but also using Tech's name in such a cold manner in an attempt to push Hunter to act in anger. Thankfully the Sarge kept his head... unfortunately Omega did not. Which is not to say we didn't expect that, she has been through far too much for a kid her age and by god she tried to save her family. Honestly I'm proud of that lil fiesty sweet Bean.

Weaknesses: While most sociopaths feel themselves too intelligent to be found out they can at times be sloppy. In some cases killers will keep trophies of their victims, in others the body is disposed of in similar manners or with ritual. One case from the eighties (if I recall correctly) had the killer injecting insulin to kill the victims but made the mistake of doing it in front of family members and not disposing of the evidence in a more careful manner. When later questioned the family remembers that the victim was given medication but that they weren't diabetic. Perfect example of plain sight and no questions.

My best guess is that is how Hemlock was found out the first time, he left small but important clues for the investigators to follow. Eventually all of the small pieces would have built the frame of this puzzle to start to build the bigger picture.

Now this does present the Batch with an advantage, Hemlock is so over confident that he may not expect an attack. His base is remote, shielded within a mountain and guarded by (probably) brainwashed commandos. His certainty that he can't be followed, tracked, found, or even betrayed is a weakness that could be exploited by the Boys and also by Omega if she can gather help.

Advantages that the Boys have are friends with special skills: Phee (who would want retribution for Tech), Rex and Co, Cham Syndula and the fighters of Ryloth, the Wookies! Point is that if their friends would likely come to the aid of a rescue. More so these particular allies are specialized in insurgency and Spec Ops (Gregor I'm lookin' at your Kataran armored butt). I would also place cold hard credits on a few of the refugees on Pabu having been former freedom fighters.

Possible Clues that we can gather from this work up:

A.) The fight isn't over yet and if we jail break it's gonna be a one shot all or nothing. There is going to be a need for scouting, extreme air support, ground transport, and other necessary egress for the injured and experimented on clones. There is going to need to be help from the inside in order to infiltrate, which is where I foresee Dr. Kerr coming into play.

B.) Hemlock is a dead man, whether by the hand of the empire (ala Rampart) or at the hands of the clones (poetic justice) this man cannot be allowed to survive.

C.) I don't think that Tech is dead and I shall explain. When Hemlock threw the goggles he was playing Hunter, he also said that Tarkin wanted to question them personally. Now knowing Tarkin from Rebels and a New Hope we know he likes to keep prisoners alive for information. Tarkin could have killed Leia the minute that Alderaan was toast but he knew the value of the knowledge she held, he's a cagey character that way. I believe that Tech is alive and that is how the Imps got to Sid.

I know it's a longshot in the dark here but keep in mind this is Clone Force 99. Genetically modified to be stronger, tougher, faster. Crosshair survived an Ion engine and 32 days on a platform with nothing but his wits. Hunter has survived being shot by Cad Bane. Tech has previously WALKED AND FOUGHT on a broken Femur!!!!!! So yeah there's a chance!

@wild-karrde and @rain-on-kamino Girls lemme know what you think!

[youremyheaven]

all of my recent crushes have been rahu men (ardra and swati only - no shatabisha in sight for some reason) and i'm trying to figure out what makes someone attracted to/pull rahu dom partners?

it's just difficult bc i find that ketu and rahu are often excluded when determining things like partner significators so i wanna know how can i tell if that's my type/the type that i attract if that makes sense

also do you have any insight on ardra and/or swati men? from what i've picked up on ab both ardra and swati is both of them kind of have psycho tendencies - neurotic, need to have control/power or will lose it (e.x. rafe cameron in obx, coriolanus snow etc.), impulsive etc. specifically with ardra i see that the daddy issues run STRONG in their men. and with ardra i see that they often struggle w substance abuse too.

honestly to me their whole thing is that they're tortured (idk why but the image of robert pattinson in good time just came into my head just now and that made me laugh💀).

ooh and another thing i see in both naks is that they're charming initially but they can't keep up the ruse of that for long until you see them start to crack.

tbh as someone who has dated Nodal men, I find them scary asf ����😩😬 one definitely struggled with alcoholism, another struggled with addiction in general

I think having heavily grounded energy (masculine planets, elements, aspects etc etc) draws these men in because they lack control and stability so they're attracted to people who seem to project what they lack

Nodal planets are shadow planets so the opposite of that is something super solid and structured (Jupiter & Saturn & Sun all come to mind) they want to seek or absorb your energy

I was into the two of them because I found the whole bad boy vibe hot asf 😭😩😬 (both of them had a Swati stellium 😳)

Nodal people can be crazy obsessive as well and being addicted is kind of innately part of their nature since they need something to latch on, that usually means you're someone who projects outwards a lot (yang influence) i.e you have enough light/qi/energy whatever you wanna call it so they can center themselves in your energy

[communistsister]

Diary of a Strange Land

I’ve been rereading Ikoku Nikki again, an ongoing manga series written by Yamashita Tomoko (who you may perhaps know as the original writer of recent anime adaptation of the supernatural BL series The Night Beyond The Tricornered Window). It’s one of my favourite manga, largely due to the art and very considered, introspective writing, but also because I just empathise with one of the two protagonists a lot.

Some thematic if not literal spoilers will follow.

One of the two protagonists, 35 year old novelist Makio Koudai is wonderfully written; she’s awkward, somewhere on the neurodiverse spectrum, struggles to be around people and prefers solitude; she forgets things, hates phonecalls, struggles to clean up after herself; and she has a tendency to monologue on deep dives into the meaning of words, the uniqueness of everyone’s own feelings, and how it’s okay to hate your family. Much of the plot is her learning to live with her 15-year-old recently orphaned niece, Asa, who she adopts at the start of the series.

Generally though... she’s a rare kind of protagonist that I don’t really see written much, and is also directly relatable for basically everything I wrote above. I see myself in Makio a lot. I also think it’s easy to read her as trans; the author’s background in creating Boys’ Love manga means she tends to draw women with quite androgynous-to-masculine face shapes, and some imagery and subtext has cropped up so far through the series that can be read as supporting Makio as trans. She has at least one close nonbinary friend who she can joke about their junk with; she quickly clocks a supporting character as a teenage lesbian struggling with her identity; childhood flashbacks of Makio’s terrible relationship with her sister often show her in masculine clothing with short hair. It’s not textual but it’s an easy read for me.

As both an author and a neurotic person who largely overthinks things and lives inside her own head, Makio does display a lot of emotional intelligence throughout the series; but it’s generally a very analytical display of it that I feel an affinity with. She struggles with direct emotional outbursts, and sometimes fails to read how others feel until it’s said out loud; she explicitly says she struggles guessing people’s thoughts and emotions. But when able to take a step back and describe an emotion or situation in a more literate way, she expresses a real understanding of the nuances of a lot of difficult emotions, like waxing lyrical on the expression of grief when her niece Asa is thinking about her recently deceased parents, by discussing the use of tense in both english and japanese:

Makio’s a good protagonist to co-centre the story around; Ikoku Nikki deals with the obvious themes of grief that come from having an orphaned character, but keeps going into some other less familiar areas. Whether your parents love you; how and when it’s acceptable to be angry; being unable to relate to others’ feelings; breaking up with a partner because they feel too perfect and you feel undeserving of love; the struggle and loneliness of writing & creating art. Makio often takes a teaching role in chapters about these topics, conveying wordy thoughts to Asa as the latter struggles through processing grief & growing up through school. Makio’s own past is told through often-abstract flashbacks rather than spelled out, but it’s clear from how she acts in the present day that she’s developed a sort of detached, almost disassociative maturity around being a person, and her advice to Asa usually comes across as pained sympathy instead of lecturing. Coupled with a small cast of similarly well-rounded supporting characters and their own internal and external emotional dialogues, Ikoku Nikki both starts strongly and grows over its chapters to be a really thoughtful story about sets of complex emotions. In case you can’t tell from me writing a long post about it, I really recommend it, as a relatively uncommon example of manga with a well-fleshed-out adult cast dealing with the low, relatable stakes of trying to be happy.

[twothpaste]

I love the bits of Jeff you've given us so far, do you have any headcanons for him?

I think Jeff is a bundle of turbulent tweenage emotions in the indiscernible guise of the standing guy emoji 😐🧍. A kid who's got neurotic tendencies, unspoken abandonment issues, and the weight of his father's legacy crushing down on his flimsy little shoulders - but he's such an outwardly composed person that only his closest friends have the faintest inkling. His dad's sudden absence threw him for a loop when he was very small, and he never quite recuperated from it. Boarding school was a shock to his system a few years later, and he never adjusted quite the way his peers did. Dude's not sporty, outgoing, or charismatic. He's awkward, self-proclaimed shy, dweeby as all hell. The sort of intense quiet that (erroneously) strikes some as off-putting and others as coolly self-assured. An awfully particular blend of anxiety, autism, and academic austerity, all of which leave him sadly misunderstood by most.

His friends know better. Though Jeff's got a tough outer shell to crack, beneath his supposed carapace he's literally just some dork. He loves video games, sci-fi, and D&D. His reckless streak is actually a lingering kiddish desire to live out his favorite adventure stories. The events of EarthBound (though at times overwhelming to his nerves) are a dream come true for him. He's terminally online in the mid-90's. His sense of humor is dry and weird and delightful. It's rare for him to emote beyond raised eyebrows or a slight chuckle. But Tony, and eventually Ness n' pals, know how to recognize Jeff's muted enthusiasm from a mile away. Jeff is reluctant to get close with new acquaintances, but those who've earned his trust are extremely dear to him. Loves his friends desperately. Almost a little clingy. Considering his troubled upbringing, how hard it is for him to make friends in the first place, and the way he almost lost both Tony and his father to an alien abduction - can ya really blame him?

He's outrageously, hilariously tall. One of those kids who's lankily breaching 6 feet at age 14, with none of the muscle mass to back it up. A lot of fans like to imagine/portray him as a stone cold badass, especially in combat, and I love it. Giygas' forces know to quake in their boots when this expressionless British scarecrow rolls up packing pistols and rocket launchers. He relishes the the thrill of it. I gave him a mom, from whom he inherited his height - and a slight second dose of emotional distance. The divorce left her scrambling to keep the two of 'em financially afloat, so she's become a bit of a workaholic. Boarding school was kind of a no-brainer. She's not always the most insightful when it comes to Jeff's (admittedly cryptic) feelings, but she cares dearly for him all the same. He never feels totally stranded, knowing she's been a consistent pillar of support all along. Might get a little complicated when he's spending the summer workin' with his dad of all people (Dr. Andonuts, naturally, earned his ex-wife's utmost condemnation). They'll make it work, though :') So long as the Doctor doesn't let their boy down again :') :')

[electrificata]

muppet casting for succession. again because you people cant stop asking me

bunsen and beaker as tom and greg is almost too obvious, like im almost embarrassed to say that. similar deal with fozzie bear as connor, they have the same humor/pathos ratio, of course you see what im saying. janice is willa. hair. sam the eagle is kendall because they have the same kind of unearned thousand-yard stare. i think piggy as gerri, she's a sort of fun and unexpected choice for an only-sane-woman role. using the same logic, i want to cast kermit as roman. its a risk but kermit's wholesome good-guy persona is really going to play interestingly, maybe a little queasily with roman's libertine habits, and we already know he can handle the neurotic emotional stuff. i like animal for logan, to really make explicit the rage that drives him. logan roy makes no secret of the fact that he's a creature of instinct, that's how he succeeded in business, and i think this is a role that could push animal to find new depth in his already-strong persona and tendencies as a performer. shiv is a hard one! i think this could really be a moment for gonzo, he can handle her signature smugness and he can also telegraph that "oh no my schemes have blown up" moment with ease, adn thats a type of moment shiv is having just constantly. we need someone with a really big presence, like a lot of gravitational pull to play mattson and i think the swedish chef is the one for the job. i am NOT being insensitive to the swedish. rizzo could do frank in his sleep, so i say that we let him, same deal with scooter as karolina and rowlf as karl.

[tiffcore]

You're at the flats.

People haven't been answering when you knock. 1A, 2B, 3C. All of them, no responses.

You're at the last door on the 4th floor and have to take a second to admire your persistence, your hand already on the knocker, thumping once, twice.

No answer.

Something urges you to not step away. Rustling, then movement. Distant, then suddenly close. One latch goes, then another, until the door opens up, and you are face to face with a man that towers gently over you.

"Hello?" His voice is uncertain, his head flinching away from the strong light of the sun, is brown hair reflecting gold back to your eyes. He has glasses high on his nose, thick lenses and slim rims peering out at you from the crack in the door.

He seems tired, but greets you with a smile regardless.

"Oh! Hello." His words rush out of his mouth, and despite his expression, it feels like something is bothering him.

He doesn't have to worry. You'll make this quick.

"Need your house cleaned, sir? "Oh." His tone shifts, a squeak of surprise as he quickly scans the space behind him, cringing a little as he turns back to face you. "Eve! There's someone..." A few more dull thuds and Glasses backs away from the door as it swings open much wider.

The man that steps out is perhaps a good foot shorter, and his eyes dark like he were glaring down at you. His smile contrasts this, his hand sticking out in greeting. He has a button up on, his tie undone as though he just stepped inside the house. You take his hand in yours. "Good evening. Sorry about Sonny, he's just a little shy. What was it you needed?" Sonny seems to have slipped away in the time you weren't paying him attention. You repeat your question. Eve pretends to think about it.

"Sure." He smiles at how your shoulders visibly relax. "I have coffee on. You can start in the living room."

more information about eve/sonny beneath the cut:

Eve is the brains of the relationship, he's outgoing and charismatic, but that really hides his ego and his neurotic, manipulative tendencies. He doesn't smile often when he's not around Sonny, but he has a joyful disposition almost, and tries to be pleasant when around strangers.

Sonny is quiet, and really invested in his own interests. Eve, his art, and learning to better that craft and his relationship. He is generally a very happy looking guy, but is prone to nervousness or anxiety when Eve isn't around.

He also likes fishing, that's why they can also be found at the campgrounds.

Most PCs interest Eve. The meek, cooperative ones. Rowdy ones - with their little attitudes and need to be put into their place. Masochists that know how to take pain … a like minded sadist would be quite fun to play with as well.

Sonny is intrigued by Promiscuity/Exhibitionism. He's not very sexually outgoing himself so he'd be interested in finding a muse that is... Someone who could work him up to the things he'd like to try. He does a lot of watching on his own, but when him and Eve are together they have very district roles. Eve dictates and Sonny performs. 

Eve is generally pretty well known for being pleasant and/or generally helpful. Sonny is less well known in town, and doesn't really like leaving the house. He tends to be pressured outside by Eve, who reassures him that he'll have fun if he just relaxes.

Overall, PC’s level of devotion to their relationship can make it blossom in new ways,

or crash and burn.

[noemilivv]

Hello! I was wondering if I could request a romantic Hazbin Match up!

Just call me Olivia.

Pronouns: She/her Sexuality: Straight

Style: My style ranges depending on my mood but it consistantly falls into three categories of dresses (Usually knee length with a fit and flare waist), comfy (Sweaters and comforters), and sexy (Think corsets and bustiers.). I like wearing make-up and styling my hair into cute styles (Sadly I suck at braiding.) Shoes… honestly I think I like all shoes except crocks. I love Nail art too!

Hobbies/Interest: Drawing, singing, gaming, reading and shopping. I like trying out new things from activities and foods. Favorite subjects are history, mythology, and computer science, and I like building furniture when I have a guide.

Book genres: Romance, Fantasy, Historical, and Mystery

Personality:

I'm called a social butterfly by everyone I know. I've also been told I have a tendency to adopt introverts into my circle and care for them. No joke, I've been invited to place because I'm willing to talk to strangers and not shy away from conversation. I've been told that I'm very entertaining to be around because I'm very bubbly and animated in my interactions because I like making people happy.

Jokes on everyone because internally I'm very shy and a nervous wreck, I just know how to hide it well. I definitely can suffer from feeling inadequet and have imposter syndrome XD Honestly to quote my favorite character: I'm an insecure, neurotic control freak… on crack. I can also be materialistic and pouty.

I'm very protective over my loved ones, think "Hurt them, I hurt you and no one will find the body." I tend to hover over loved ones if they are sick or sad and help take care of them.

I also can definitely be a bitch but usually the other person deserves my ire. I also will hold grudges if people backstab me or my loved ones. They can say they are sorry but I will not trust them again nor will I let them near my circle of people.

Fav Foods: I love spicy foods, baked goods, and love trying to make new dishes or eating them.

Love Languages: Physical Touch: I love to cuddle, hug and everything else under the sun. If I'm kissed on the forehead, I will swoon.

Emotional: This is a must because if there's no emotional connection why is there a relationship to begin with. I want to be able to talk to my partner and them to me no matter the situation. Both the good and the bad.

Gift giving: I don't care what kind of gift, for me it's the thought that counts that I was on his mind.

My type: I'm very specific in my type so I'mma choose two good and one bad: I want someone loving and caring, and not a jackass. Otherwise I will be the one punching them.

Lord… I sound like a mess XD I feel bad for this but I'm really curious so good luck!

hello olivia!! this was one i wasn’t so sure on who i was gonna do, but i decided on…

Sir Pentious !!

Pentious definitely fits your type imo because he’s actually so genuine and sweet like I would not understand anyone who thinks he’s a jackass lmao

He’s very big on physical touch, but he’s scared shitless to initiate like anything ever, so the fact that he doesn’t have to worry too much calms him down a lot haha

Pen is a bit shy and a tad bit of a wreck haha so the fact that you’re social enough to draw him out of his shell a little AND aren’t too crazy for him is something that matches well with the row of you <3

He also feels very flattered if you ever get protective over him, it kinda makes him all warm inside, like you care about him so much to be protective? Like bro, he’s swooning

[mj-mcqueen]

Here's the whole cast of kids, plus the head counselor Peter, before his life was hell!

Peter- a poor, poor theatre camp director. He genuinely cares about these kids and putting on a good performance. He's got tired dad vibes. He's not a very optimistic guy, constantly stressed about the show and what the kids are doing. He tries to use "gentle parenting" on the kids but ends up getting walked over constantly. He has to deal with Zack's antics, Juliet's fury, Hannah's tears, and every kid's little quirks. He's doing his best, but don't blame him os he falls asleep accidentally on the job.

(there are a few more counselor characters although they've yet to be designed)

Zack- a rambunctious, hyperactive, sensitive kid who has a passion for the theatre but a chaotic personality that either leads to disaster or fights. He was the last to show up to the theatre, having been kicked out of his last one. His two best friends are Ricky and Cooper, although the other two are typically not involved in Zack's shenanigans. He and Juliet butt heads VERY often. He particularly enjoys bugging Peter, making his life a little harder as Zack fights for his attention (hint hint he's neglected at home). He secretly looks up to Peter like a dad. Zack isn't necessarily a bad kid on purpose, but he doesn't always think about his actions. He's a kid what can you do.

Ricky- an excitable, approachable kid who always has something to prove. He typically helps build the sets and props, while Zack helps paint. He wants to make Peter proud and put on a good show. Ricky has a tendency to be neurotic and stressed about things that aren't in his control. He's a people pleaser and overly helpful sometimes.

Cooper- the cool kid. they're the heartthrob of the theatre, they are constantly fought over by Juliet and Hannah. They're extremely humble and go between trying to make everyone laugh to hiding away of their own out of embarrassment. They're Zack's longest, bestest friend and just wants everyone to be happy. Cooper can handle a lot of attention but only sometimes pulls it to themself. They're secretly one of the funniest kids in the camp.

Juliet- the one that never gets a lead although she fully believes she deserves it. She's insecure, and constantly envious of her cast mates. She desperately wants to be best friends with Cooper, and they're too nice to turn her away. It's obvious to everyone else that she has a massive crush on him although she'll never admit it. She tries her hardest and always dares to continue even as she keeps failing. She's a kid, she's selfish. She has her flaws.

Rain- the youngest and cutest character in the group. He's kindhearted to a fault and extremely trusting. He is naive and loves his friends indefinitely. Rain tends to play kids or animals in the shows as his young and has a slight speech impediment. He gets wrapped up in Juliet's schemes to mess with Zack or Zack's schemes to cause some mischief, although Peter knows he's not really at fault. He's adorable.

Markus- a kid who played a British character once and can never go back. He always talks in a British accent and acts like he's a sad Victorian child, sick and poor. No matter what the show is, a Western or a modern one or whatever, he always talks in a British accent despite his growing up in the US.

Milly- the stage manager. She is reserved but can yell louder than anyone in the cast if they're causing a ruckus. Milly has about anything anyone needs in her backpack, like a first aid kit, snacks, Gatorade, duck tape, a screwdriver, and any kind of wire, she has it all. She watches over the kids like a hawk, making sure everyone is safe and the show runs smoothly. She can't act to save her life.

Danny- the younger sister of Cooper. She, like Milly, cannot act. She tries her best and always gives it her all, but every single time she's cast as an object, like a tree, a bench, a cloud, or a tumbleweed. She is sweet, caring, and gives people pep talks about how amazing they are.

Hannah- the powerhouse. She's the girl that's almost always the female lead without fail. She's sensitive, and dramatic, but is a genuinely nice person. She wants to date Cooper to be a power couple although he continuously lets her down gently. Hannah's best friend is Juliet, unaware of the burning jealousy Juliet holds for her. She almost always cries at the end of shows, her love for the theatre making her emotional at almost every moment.

Lana- the dancer. She's not a great actor, but she's certainly the best dancer out of all of them. All she wants to do it dance, and she wears her tap shoes at all times, despite Peter's pleading for her not to. Lana will periodically break out into dance. She loves to talk, annoying some of the other campers, although she means well and is a genuinely sweet person.

[basuralindo]

Chapter 10 of You'll Have Me Rise, You'll Have Me Fall is up!!

You can read it right here:

And there's some commentary in the notes but I have so many more thoughts and am gonna go on about them under the cut. Please read the chapter before looking through my commentary, but you're all welcome to interact about it on here

Okay, so, in roughly chronological order:

-Idk if the Jamil and Kalim stuff is coming off shippy, but that's not the intention. What I'm tryna present is the fact that they have no concept of boundaries with each other. Jamil was basically instructed, as a child, to look after this whole ass other child with way too little actual adult supervision, and it didn't go well.

-Jamil has a Very loose understanding of free will as is, considering his situation, and Snake Whisper has always been kinda just another tool used to desperately try to get through situations. The idea that forcing someone to not have nightmares without their knowledge or consent might be fucked up doesn't really cross his mind, because he's been doing it since they were little and Kalim always seems happier than when he's left to just deal with his own bad dreams.

-People tend to get stuck with the aftereffects of an intense trigger for quite a while after, and Jamil's behavior is definitely gonna be influenced more heavily by ptsd in the next few chapters.

-Yes, Jamil really is out here basically poledancing on that broom. Why? Because athletes are literally the least self aware people when it comes to doing weird shit with their bodies and I know this from so much personal experience. I also imagine that the brooms operate a lot based on the rider's clarity of intention. So Jamil being already very comfortable with heights because of playing on the carpet with Kalim as kids, and having pretty good focus with multitasking in general, he has very little issues with getting the broom to do what he wants. Meanwhile, Azul would be able to fly just fine, but he's so scared of heights he loses all sense of intention once he gets a couple feet off the ground

-✨Guess who never learnt what dyslexia is because royalty aren't supposed to have learning disorders!✨ Just wait till those two find out about adhd. (Also, major headcanon that Kalim self medicates with caffeine)

-Anyway THE TEXTING!! This is the part that I had no plans to write until going "wait, they should exchange numbers because duh" Then wrote the actual scene and went "wait omfg the teins would totally find that!" Anyway I'm glad I did because it was a lot of fun to write and finally breaks the ice between them all a little more. It ended up taking a lot longer than I'd expected to depict the sheer chaos of texting three people in the same room at the same time.

-I actually thought a lot about the texting patterns on this. Floyd writes in a hurry because his thoughts come and go so fast he just spits them out as they come, which results in spamming with a million short messages when he's actually in the mood to talk. He also canonly has this tendency to just say shit that makes sense in his head, where he has context, and doesn't get it when other people don't understand, so with texting that kinda comes out as not bothering with much punctuation to indicate tone because he knows what tone he's using and forgets that nobody else does. Azul on the other hand is suuuper neurotic about how he presents himself, and texting is no exception. Perfect diction, punctuation, etc. Uses autocorrect and then doublechecks the outocorrect. Jade figures Azul already put all the effort into establishing how to present himself flawlessly, and just imitates his style. (They're both wrong. Azul comes off like a car salesman, and Jade comes off like an alien impersonating a car salesman). I have a reason for this dynamic and I'm gonna go into it eventually in the fic. Jamil is just trying to spell things correctly and uses punctuation as normally as he can. He uses contractions and slangs even less over text because he's not confident in being able to spell less familiar words and doesn't wanna risk it. (He also uses contractions less in general around Azul because, while he tries to come off like he's mastered English around all his potentially hostile peers, Azul never mocks him for his speech so he's more comfortable about wording things awkwardly. Jamil hasn't noticed this consciously yet.)

-Jadeeeeee. This fic is slow burn in general, but it's definitely burning at different speeds for each of them, and Jamil/Jade is definitely the slowest. Neither of them are the kind to openly pursue someone without the other party initiating A Lot, and they're much more emotionally distant than Floyd or Azul. Also, Jade is territorial and Jamil is paranoid and it's gonna take a long time before they get anywhere near trusting each other. Despite that, they're finally starting to notice that they have some shit in common and actually enjoy talking to each other in all the convoluted mincy bullshit ways that nobody else wants to engage in.

-Yes, Jamil feels the need to conceal laughter and smiles even when he's alone in his room. No, he's not okay, but that's kind of the whole plot.

-Again, I just really enjoyed getting to write Jamil having a nice time?? Finally starting to think about the fact that he actually WANTS these guys in his life, for non-strategic purposes, just because they make him happier! I'm finally getting somewhere in this mess of my own making lmao

Anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk. I have a lot of feelings about these guys and I'm tempted to do more posts like this about previous chapters just so I can get myself to babble less in the fic notes

[okcomputeroknotok19972017]

to start, i know that psychiatric diagnoses are not exact -- they're our best label for treating clusters of symptoms that tend to go together, but the borders get very fuzzy and they mesh and meld together and every person's experience and exact combination of neuroses is different. listing out all of the potential mental illnesses and developmental differences i have been variously diagnosed with makes me sound ridiculous to many people, like i'm collecting labels for the fun of it: major depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, inattentive ADHD, autism, possibly bipolar ... it all really comes down to being a generally neurotic and obsessive person, prone to bouts of suicidal depression and social isolation. i just call myself an eccentric.

psychiatry is strange. i was evaluated for ADHD but my case was 'subclinical' because i wasn't struggling enough academically at the very moment i was evaluated. i'm personally not interested in being evaluated for autism because as likely as it may be, i don't have a comorbid intellectual or cognitive disability that impairs my functioning and being treated for my other mental health issues would probably do more for my social difficulties than anything else. i know i'll never stop having circumscribed interests or feeling fundamentally different from other people, but when i don't feel so sad i get along better. i sometimes explain to people that i'm very likely autistic and they forgive/stop making fun of some of my strange tendencies, but that's about as far as that label takes me. i definitely have OCD and that's one label that i find extremely fitting. my therapist and i have talked extensively about it and done some acceptance therapy, i wasn't ever clinically evaluated but she was the first one to bring it up as a very obvious struggle of mine and understanding myself as obsessive-compulsive has helped me a lot.

i wouldn't normally be so worried about untangling the differences between three very similar mental illnesses given the fuzzy boundaries, but the question of if i have bipolar disorder has really been nagging at me -- mostly because my symptoms make me want to kill myself. bipolar disorder runs in my family and i've been questioning for about two years now if i've got bipolar ii or cyclothymia or if my frequent depressive episodes are just being exacerbated by my OCD and that neuroticism and urgent panic is similar to what would be known as hypomania. getting this figured out matters to me because finding the right combination of therapy and medication that is usually used to treat these symptoms would really help me. i'll say that lamotrigine/lamictal, commonly prescribed for bipolar patients, has been the single most helpful medication i've ever been on. if i weren't on it, i would be a wreck.

hmm. i'm not asking any commenters to armchair diagnose me, i guess i'm just thinking out loud. i'm not really sure how to broach the topic of bipolar with my psych or my therapist without setting off "google doctor" alarm bells ... and i have to admit, i'm worried that people will look at me differently with that label attached. i'm used to my OCD being misunderstood and stigmatized but people usually have a better understanding of it after i explain what it's really like, but bipolar is extremely stigmatized. i'll see it listed as a severe mental illness (and i suppose it is, but i still get that defense "hey! you don't know what it's like!" sort of reaction to it), most people are scared of it or hateful towards it, and i guess there's a kernel of truth to it somewhere. my grandmother had a pretty acute case. she was a very complicated person, and she really hurt some people. lithium helped her. it helped my mom's major depression, too. i'm scared that i am going to hurt people. sometimes i feel so angry that i want to hit something, i want to make someone else feel as bad as i do, sometimes i feel so desperately lonely and terrified that i cling onto people like they're the only thing keeping me afloat. ultimately i'm far too nervous and passive to do much of anything and i'm very good at holding in my most extreme emotions, but i fear it leeches out of me. i break everything i touch. i don't want to break people.

i look up things like "bipolar celebrities" to make myself feel better and like there is hope, and all the lists are the same: this person killed themself, this person killed themself, this person did something awful and lives in disgrace, this person killed themself, this person killed themself, this person killed themself ... so far it's not done much to soothe my nerves. i guess carrie fisher did alright for herself though, yea?

... i don't want to be my grandmother. i don't want my neuroticism and irrational emotions to be taken out on the people i love, taken out on anyone, really. world's longest sigh. i'll get shit figured out eventually. my recently upped dosage of lamotrigine should keep me afloat for a while. i'm gonna play minecraft now