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jozor-johai · 1 year ago

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Revisiting the Rat Cook, Part 5: "Those were the only choices"

I usually say that each of these posts will ideally stand alone, but this part is perhaps the "nexus" of this series; every part so far has led up to this, and every part afterward will be built out from this in one way or another. Hopefully this part stands alone too, but it will mean more if you've read the parts so far, because the themes build up. Links to: part one, part two, part three, and part four.

This is Part Five of a prospective 9-part series in which I examine the themes and symbols present in the "Rat Cook" story, as relayed in ASOS Bran IV, and how those elements reappear throughout ASOAIF.

To anyone who is reading this part first, "Revisiting the Rat Cook" is a series that is built on the understanding that GRRM's use of metadiegetic legends provide a "road map" of symbols and meaning, used in their abstract form, which we, as readers, can use to better understand the relationships between symbols, motifs, and themes as they reoccur throughout ASOAIF as a whole. The Rat Cook story is about a rat which eats rats, or a cook who serves kings; The Rat Cook story is about fathers and sons, about cannibalism, about trust, about vengeance, and about damning one's legacy.

"Those were the only choices"

So far in this series, I’ve talked about the repeated instances of turning cannibal, the trust in the social dynamics of guest right, and the significance of “eating rats”. In the last part, I pointed out how the smallfolk are “rats” themselves, and how they are facing the punishment that the Rat Cook faces before committing any sins, apropos of nothing.

In the last part, we saw from the eyes of those ruling and from the survivors of besieged castles how everywhere that people are abused, overlooked, trod upon, or left with no recourse, they must turn to eating rats. We also saw that eating rats is nearly as good as turning cannibal, both because the threat of actual cannibalism follows so closely behind eating rats, and because those smallfolk are, in a way, as low as rats already.

These ideas recall the Rat Cook story, albeit rearranged—the cannibal Rat Cook’s rat form strengthens the associations between eating, rats, eating people, and “eating rats”, the cook and the King… but Old Nan would point out another key element of the “Rat Cook” story, one which is so important that it is given its own line: “A man has a right to vengeance.”

Understanding the Rat Cook’s vengeance in these contexts, however, is difficult when viewing the plight of the starving smallfolk from afar. Ned offers an impersonal recollection of Stannis’ siege, and even Renly’s account is couched in the jest of the young and innocent. Tyrion only sees fleeting glimpses of the starving smallfolk between feasting with the King. Dany receives reports of the displaced freedmen from atop her pyramid. None of these people have borne the weight of these implications and almost none have suffered those same conditions—yet. Their point of view offers an outsider’s perspective on the destitute. Some sympathize, some strategize, some wonder at the state of the world. Even when we read between the lines of Cressen’s omission, or puzzle out the larger movements that lead to such terrible conditions, we’re doing it from the perspective of that nobility… until A Dance With Dragons, Reek I.

Reek really lets us feel it, and offers the most visceral account in the series of eating rats, one which sets the gruesome tone for the book to follow:

Blood ran from the corners of his mouth as he nibbled at the rat with what remained of his teeth, trying to bolt down as much of the warm flesh as he could before the cell was opened. The meat was stringy, but so rich he thought he might be sick. He chewed and swallowed, picking small bones from the holes in his gums where teeth had been yanked out. It hurt to chew, but he was so hungry he could not stop.

Ramsay and Reek are a particularly brutal pairing, and a particularly extreme case between master and subject. However, their case is so extreme that it verges on archetypal, and the relationship between Ramsay and Reek, even in its abnormality, acts as a microcosm of the harsh reality of the relationship that is taken for granted as normal in so many other cases of “lord” and “vassal”. We’ll return to the two of them again to expand on this idea further, but for now our focus is on the personal circumstances that bring someone to eating rats—brutalized, imprisoned, toothless.

Appropriate for a larger metaphor where food is representative of hierarchy, being toothless is being metaphorically without power. Consider how Varamyr-as-wolf perceives weapons with the primitive clarity of an animal brain in the ADWD Prologue:

One had a wooden tooth as tall as he was.

Or how even a child with no agency whatsoever might still try to resist, shown for example in ADWD The Griffin Reborn:

Connington ordered them confined to the west tower, under guard. The girl began to cry at that, and the bastard boy tried to bite the spearman closest to him.

Reek is the archetypal disenfranchised subject: in this moment, Martin makes us notice how even his teeth have been removed, and shows just how powerless someone might feel when they are eating rats. Even in the midst of the act, Reek thinks he might be sick—recalling Sam vomiting while imagining Bannen’s delicious corpse in ASOS Samwell II. Reek gives us a very personal picture of how unpleasant this life is, and yet how even as it “hurt” to chew, “he could not stop”.

Bran himself offers a much less gruesome insight into the mindset which makes eating rats seem less than objectionable. After having pushed through the worst of the travel and having made it to the relative shelter of the cave, Bran gladly accepts rat as food in ADWD Bran III:

And almost every day they ate blood stew, thickened with barley and onions and chunks of meat. Jojen thought it might be squirrel meat, and Meera said that it was rat. Bran did not care. It was meat and it was good.

At this point, Bran has been faced with the worst possibilities. When it comes to eating rat, he no longer cares. Meat is still meat. If we consider Coldhand’s sow as an even more recent and possibly even present threat, this is doubly true. Bran viewed that meat from Coldhands with harsh suspicion, but now, in comparison to cannibalism, rats are easily the better of two terrible options.

For Bran, though, this is particularly loaded when placed in context to the desperation that Bran and his party faced coming to Bloodraven, and the desperation that still surrounds them in the form of the cold, empty north. Bran does not eat rats of his own accord, he is being served rat by the Children of the Forest. The alternative is to leave the cave and not eat at all, a fate still being experienced by Summer, starved out in the cold. Bran is happy to eat rat, but in truth, he’s being fed this option, and given no other.

That meal, and the unspoken threat of what could be worse, have metaphorical significance: Bran and his party have been led into a situation where there appears to be no other option than to align with the Children of the Forest. He’s happy to eat rat, but does he really have another choice?

Bran and Reek have two very different experiences regarding the prospect of eating rats, however. Bran “doesn’t care”, and thinks being fed rat meat would be fine; this is an act of complacency, a lack of agency, a surrender to those who hold the power in this scenario—those who are feeding him meat only the starved would eat. Reek, by contrast, takes the rat for himself. He catches that rat despite not being fed at all.

His is an act of finding agency in a place where there is little to be had, and this distinction is not lost on Ramsay, who defines the act not as a surrender to Reek’s conditions, but instead as an act of defiance in ADWD Reek I:

"A rat?" Ramsay's pale eyes glittered in the torchlight. "All the rats in the Dreadfort belong to my lord father. How dare you make a meal of one without my leave."

Of course, Ramsay doesn’t truly need a reason to punish Theon here, and never does. Every affront from Theon is an invented one, and Ramsay wants Theon to suffer regardless of whatever he does. However, in this caricaturish extremity, Ramsay offers a glimpse of the truth of the relationship between the powerful dominating the poor and the powerless.

When Jaime visits the Riverlands in AFFC Jaime IV, he predicts the future state of these people in their ruined lands.

They will be eating rats by winter, unless they can get a harvest in. This late in autumn, the chances of another harvest were not good.

Why are they starving to begin with? What happened to their harvest? We might remember the words of Jaime’s father in AGOT Tyrion IX:

Tell them I want to see the riverlands afire from the Gods Eye to the Red Fork.

They will be reduced to rats by winter because the lords made them that way without reason. Tywin doesn’t even think of them aside from being pieces in a game between a different class of people. The smallfolk of the Riverlands are made to eat rats, as punished as the Rat Cook was following his betrayal of guest right, yet all the smallfolk did was live where they happened to live.

Of course, where they live is on a lord’s land, by his decree, just as the Rat Cook lived by the grace of the King, just as Reek, tortured as he is, lives within the Bolton’s castle—a detail Ramsay does not let Theon forget. “All the rats in the Dreadfort” belong to the lord of the castle, and therein lies the absolute extent of the power of this governance. The dominion of the lord extends as low as to the rats, and the rulers and the enacters of those lords’ wills ultimately decide who eats what and when. Under those terms, even Reek’s pathetic act of desperation is an act of defiance, because he claimed that life for himself.

In a way, he’s not so different from Will, the very first POV of the entirety of ASOIAF, who went to the Wall for poaching:

Will had been a hunter before he joined the Night's Watch. Well, a poacher in truth. Mallister freeriders had caught him red-handed in the Mallisters' own woods, skinning one of the Mallisters' own bucks, and it had been a choice of putting on the black or losing a hand.

The Mallisters own even the deer in the woods, just as Lord Bolton owns even the rat in the dungeons. Will needs to live, though, so he must eat, and so he poaches. Indirectly, Ramsay names Reek a poacher too; conversely, Reek is a poacher because Reek must eat too, because he needs to live.

Reek, despite everything Ramsay has done to him, despite his constant internal narrative that death would be more preferable, is still doing whatever he can to survive, even if it means eating rats, and perhaps—even metaphorically—if it means eating people, too.

Reek, for his part, argues that he has no other choice. It’s not a situation so passive as simply starving. No, as Reek well knows, the rats were eating away at him, first:

"He's been eating rats," said the second boy. "Look." The first boy laughed. "He has. That's funny." I had to. The rats bit him when he slept, gnawing at his fingers and his toes, even at his face, so when he got his hands on one he did not hesitate. Eat or be eaten, those were the only choices. "I did it," he mumbled, "I did, I did, I ate him, they do the same to me, please …"

Considering the other associations of the rat motif we’ve already examined, note how Reek’s thoughts verge into sounding like cannibalism: this isn’t about eating an “it”, he says “I ate him,” instead. In a sense, Reek understands that the rats are his equals, and this is akin to cannibalism, as discussed in the last part. Perhaps we are also being shown the cost of surviving, and how holding onto life whatever the circumstances may require “eating” another, either literally or metaphorically.

Even more potent, the image that Reek gives us of rats chewing away at his body echoes Dany’s vision from the House of the Undying in ACOK Daenerys IV:

In one room, a beautiful woman sprawled naked on the floor while four little men crawled over her. They had rattish pointed faces and tiny pink hands, like the servitor who had brought her the glass of shade. One was pumping between her thighs. Another savaged her breasts, worrying at the nipples with his wet red mouth, tearing and chewing.

This scene has been analyzed deeply elsewhere, so for expediency’s sake I will move forward understanding that the woman represents Westeros, Dany’s kingdom-as-body, assaulted by the five kings at war. To quote the eloquent PoorQuentyn, who said it best: “The kings are assaulting the realm, villains one and all when you zoom out.”

Note, though, how each has “rattish” faces, and are raping and eating her simultaneously. This moment in Dany’s vision consists of all the same imagery that the Rat Cook has been built out of: Kings, rats, and eating—eating the “future”, too, as each of these Kings, as well as Dany herself, hope to later wed this same woman.

The Riverlands are reduced to eating rats because Tywin sets afire the very realm which he is supposedly protecting. Just as the Rat Cook eats his children, just as the Andal King eats his prince, these Kings at war are eating their own realm alive.

Reek, too, is this woman, and is this realm. Before we even understand the extent of Reek’s physical and sexual abuse, we are told how his entire body is bitten at by rats in an identical scene—his fingers, his toes, his face. Reek lies in the Dreadfort’s dungeon, acting out the plight of the smallfolk everywhere, acting out the scene of the woman-as-Westeros.

In light of that comparison, Reek’s reaction to these conditions, as an act of pure survival, of retaliation against the rats who are eating him alive, and of defiance—at least as perceived by his lord—foretells a Westeros, and the people in it, who might come to realize the same truth that Reek has: eat or be eaten, those were the only choices.

With this, we see how the other key element of the Rat Cook story relates to these motifs as we have examined them; Old Nan’s reminder about the Rat Cook feels like a rephrasing of Reek’s realization: “A man has a right to vengeance.”

If this is the case, we might expect to see that the smallfolk—those driven to eating rats, those living in the body of Westeros itself, bitten by those “rattish” kings—might take up arms themselves, and, like Reek, bite back. Indeed, that is what we begin to see in AFFC and ADWD, as the War of the Five Kings draws to a close and the Faith Militant reach King’s Landing. The smallfolk are driven en masse to the faith, then to arms, and then to the capital.

The people of King’s Landing have been eating rats since ACOK, with some respite following the arrival of the Tyrells. They are still eating rats, though, as we see in ADWD Cersei II, at a point where Cersei is at her absolute lowest:

Cersei tried to walk faster, but soon came up against the backs of the Stars in front of her and had to slow her steps again. A man just ahead was selling skewers of roast meat from a cart, and the procession halted as the Poor Fellows moved him out of the way. The meat looked suspiciously like rat to Cersei's eyes, but the smell of it filled the air, and half the men around them were gnawing away with sticks in hand by the time the street was clear enough for her to resume her trek.

These men are eating rats—evidence of their place as being the lowest of the low in society. Contrary to that position, though, the power dynamic in this scene is entirely reversed: it is Cersei who has reached her absolute nadir here, and these rat-eating men who hold the power.

Cersei wants to escape this moment, she wants to “walk faster” and return to her High Hill. She cannot, because the Stars in front of her are walking slower… but slower still is the rat-skewer cart, which “halts” the procession entirely. This utter nobody of the smallfolk—selling roast rat—is able to completely stand in the way of the Queen’s return to her throne.

Moreover, this power contains the potency of sexual threat and physical abuse. She walks naked and humbled, and these men stare at Cersei while they “gnaw away” at the rats with “sticks in hand”. These sticks might be weapons, the threat of an armed uprising, or they may be phallic, the masturbatory gaze of low men upon the Queen.

The two threats become one as she sees a man who stands out in particular:

"Want some, Your Grace?" one man called out. He was a big, burly brute with pig eyes, a massive gut, and an unkempt black beard that reminded her of Robert. When she looked away in disgust, he flung the skewer at her. It struck her on the leg and tumbled to the street, and the half-cooked meat left a smear of grease and blood down her thigh.

Amidst this crowd of otherwise nameless smallfolk, Cersei saw a man who "reminded her of Robert"—both a former King and her former abuser. He throws the skewer at her, an outright physical threat that results in a smear of “blood down her thigh”, reminiscent of the aftermath of sexual violence.

These men, wielding their rathood as weaponry, are able to metaphorically rape the Queen just as effectively as the “rattish” Kings in Dany’s vision. These should be her subjects to command, and yet in this moment, they hold the exact power that Cersei's former husband and King had over her.

This rathood-as-weapon power is the same tool which the Rat Cook uses as well. His access to the Andal King, and presumably the prince, is purely because of his low status, because therein also lies his threat. It’s significant that this occurs against the backdrop of the Faith Militant dominating the Queen because the Faith Militant—first seen in AFFC pouring out of those same desecrated Riverlands—represents one way that these disenfranchised, starved peoples reclaim agency: through violence.

With this understanding, we can also return to Stannis’ rat-eating starvation and see it in a new light. The perspective of the siegers themselves—those in power, representing the crown—see the difference too, just as Ramsay sees it in Reek, described in ACOK Catelyn IV:

"Yields?" Lord Rowan laughed. "When Mace Tyrell laid siege to Storm's End, Stannis ate rats rather than open his gates."

Rather than signal his defeat, Stannis eating rats in spite of the feasting enemies at their gates evidenced his refusal to be defeated. Eating rats was more than a sign of desperation, it was also a sign of strength. The men of Storm’s End decided to hold onto life whatever the circumstances. Stannis had two choices: eat rats, or surrender. Eat or be eaten. They ate rats.

Jaime faces the same lesson when he negotiates the Bracken/Blackwood siege in ADWD Jaime I. Knowing how Stannis’ rat-eating is a symbol of strength even as it is a symbol of punishment, we can clearly see how hilariously wrong Jonos Bracken is:

“They're down to rats and roots in there. He'll yield before the next full moon."

This is the exact wording of “roots and rats” that we hear about in the siege of Storm’s End, here in regards to a siege that is so far just as unsuccessful. Given our understanding of what it means to be eating rats, this instead signals their determination not to yield. Jaime gives them generous terms, seemingly ceding this truth.

This is what else the story Rat Cook tells us: how the Rat Cook took vengeance upon a king despite being only a cook—how to exercise power in situations where there seems to be no power to be had. It’s what Manderly’s Rat Cook emulation does, too: fight back. It adds double significance to Manderly requesting a song about the Rat Cook as he stumbles past Theon—it’s not just a jest, it’s a call to action. Reek, too, can be a “rat cook” himself. Even if it must be in secret, creeping in the dark and the dungeons, even if he cannot outright rebel for the threat of being slain, Manderly found his way to fight back nonetheless, just as Stannis did, just as the smallfolk do at the end of Feast/Dance.

As for the Blackwoods, Jaime suspects that even in their besieged state they might be aiding either the Blackfish, the Brotherhood Without Banners, or both. This is fitting, as the Brotherhood Without Banners—longtime defenders of the smallfolk against wolves and lions alike—are “rats” themselves, too, hunted by “dogs” in AFFC Brienne VIII. Thoros of Myr makes the comparison himself:

"What place is this? Is this a dungeon?" "A cave. Like rats, we must run back to our holes when the dogs come sniffing after us, and there are more dogs every day."

Thoros continues, making the connection between the desperation of rats and the resolve that it brings even more explicit:

“This is a cave, not a temple. When men must live like rats in the dark beneath the earth, they soon run out of pity, as they do of milk and honey.”

This is the same message that we learn from the interaction between Reek and Ramsay, explained by one of the “rats” himself. If men become like “rats”, if they are hunted and abused, there is only so far before they are forced to bite back.

Even as Jaime suspects the riverlands will be down to “eating rats by winter”, the Riverlands are instead overrun by “rats” of a different kind—rats that form a Brotherhood, and who use their rat status as their strength, not their weakness. The Brotherhood may not possess a keep, nor do they follow a proper liege lord, but that very disadvantage also means that they can never be besieged, nor found when the dogs hunt after them. Like the rats they are, they melt into the floors, the walls, the dungeons of the realm.

In the last two parts, I talked about how guest right—a key part of the “Rat Cook” story—is a social contract. It is an arrangement tacitly entered between the two parties, the “host” and the “guest”, in which both agree to do each other no harm in order to achieve a common unity while eating together, the most basic and essential of situations.

In the “Rat Cook” story, though, these two parties are of unequal footing to begin with, even before the story begins: the person being fed is an Andal King, and the person feeding him is only a lowly cook. The hierarchy of power is inherent to the story, and it gives that social contract double meaning.

Feudalism itself—and, in truth, all governance—is a social contract, too: one in which the ruling party, here the Lords and Kings, tacitly agree not to abuse their subjects and, in return, their subjects tacitly agree not to overthrow their overlords. It’s less explicit in the story, as it is a dynamic taken for granted before the telling begins, but it’s equally as important for the functioning of society in Westeros and the world.

The King rules and owns all, the cook serves. However, like the insidious rat, the cook in the “Rat Cook” story is able to act against the king because of this exact position: the King may own all the game in the wood, but it is the cook who makes the pie, and it is the cook who is so overlooked that he may even bake a prince into it.

The “Rat Cook” story, in which the cook is able to kill the King’s son and deceive the King, is not only about the broken social contract of “guest right”, but also about the broken social contract of hierarchical power. From the perspective of the Andal King, the “horror” of the Rat Cook story is also in the ability for a cook’s de facto power to usurp the de jure power that a King wields.

However, the rat cook was not the first to break that contract. He had a right to vengeance. Why? Old Nan never explains that—because it doesn’t need to be explained, it is as baked into the telling of the story as that prince is into his pie. The very existence of the smallfolk cook subjugated beneath the Andal King is deserving of vengeance in itself.

The smallfolk are experiencing their own version of the horrors of the “Rat Cook” story, but in reverse: they experience the very punishment that the Rat Cook suffers first, before the sin. They are men made into “rats” under the heel of the powers above them, and driven to eat rats, simply because of the nature of their relationship.

When that happens, as Thoros says: men soon run out of pity. As Reek says: eat or be eaten, those were the only choices. As Old Nan says: a man has a right to vengeance.

In the next part, I'm going to take Thoros' cue and and make a quick digression into the relationship between rats and dogs, and how that relates to the hierarchy of power.

#asoiaf meta #asoiaf #rat cook #rtrc #asoiaf analysis #a song of ice and fire

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sonosvegliato · 9 months ago

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asking you because i seriously consider u one of the best writers i have. read? known exists? anyways im asking how much do u plan when u write? ik uve talked abt ur process (v funny i love how ur mind works id love to poke around [affectionately]) but like. how much do u Plan in Advance? ive been sitting on some ideas for a while and im trying to think down to the SLIGHTEST things and im jus v curious as to? how much you think abt urs b4 sitting down2 write?

I am glad you think I am funny because I think I am funny too.

(Haha but for real I literally jumped into the air. Thank you!)

Here is where I get shifty because I am not an artist, I never have been, I have never quite gotten a handle on the patience required to color inside the lines. Likewise...I am not a plotter.

In general, an Idea Arrives, and then I sit down and write. A lot of the time it starts out as a scene I'd like to read, and I write that scene for 20 minutes or two hours, and after that I roll the dice in the air. If I poke around it long enough, I am morally required to construct everything that had to happen to get me to the Inciting Scene. My favorite thing to write is dialogue, and to convey how someone said something/why they said it, then I have to know the characters a little more. Sort of like eavesdropping on a conversation, and then getting to know a stranger from it.

I have never plotted anything start to finish. I normally have an end or something close to the end, a few enticing snippets, and that's my map. I don't finish original work too often, but it's not abandoned, it's just reworked, reworked, reworked. I have a friend that has original work that won a big well known editing/pitch contest and now has her work in the Query Trenches, and if she was the writing FBI she would lock me in jail for disorderly conduct and missing plotting documents. She says I should try to at least write a first draft through and let that be my guide, but I'm like. Nah. I start a story and I keep writing it and backtracking and rewriting and backtracking and rewriting, but theoretically at the end I have a story I'm satisfied with--- and not a draft I thought was bad a quarter of the way in but kept mudslogging through it. It's not losing progress, it's just rerouting yourself the longer way home so you avoid future traffic.

"Kill your darlings" is a very famous piece of writing advice, and when I was starting out I thought it meant, like, literally killing your characters for the Drama. Now I understand it as if there's a scene I really like or really want to include...sometimes she just has to get sidelined. And that's okay. We can harvest her organs for later. Frankenstein that bitch.

Fanfiction is different. It's fun and loose and I entertain myself. Now you will not swell the rout was a bit more thoughtfully done, that is, I spent more time on it than just being awake at midnight because I thought of something funny. It was not plotted. I didn't know the story was there. I missed martial arts, and then happened to listen in on a conversation about the poem "To an Athlete Dying Young" (A.E. Housman). I didn't come up with Now you will not swell the rout as a fully-fleshed story then, I just added onto a snippet (literally the first three little paragraphs) and stuff connected and then two weeks went by in a mad haze and I had 30,000 words or whatever it was. After that, I've spoken previously that in hold the low lintel up (and now WIP#3) had some "plot" which are events in the comics I want to include, but I think that is more worldbuilding/keeping somewhat adjacent to the source material. Everything original is just up in my head or stored in a random line I want to remember to use later.

(Literally my "plot" bookmark in my google doc is Plot hey here’s a good line and then I proceed to write one very good sentence and seven disembodied dialogue fragments that don't belong together at all).

In the spirit of honesty, I wrote the last line of Now you will not swell the rout and that was supposed to be it. But the fic had such a lovely reception, and I really felt like I grew while I wrote it, and like look there was one big glaring unanswered question just sitting there, right, so. Now I have a series. And 100% of the reason I'm not uploading chapter by chapter is because I know I am not a plotter, I know I'll change things, and I really want to take my time with this and use it as experience for my original work.

So that was way more than you probably meant to ask for, but. In sum: no, I don't plan in advance, I just take a stab and commit literary medical malpractice. Some writing books will have whole sections on plotting, and will have you detail your characters' birthdate, favorite song, food, music, what's the name of their first dog, etc. A lot of people have to have that solid basis ("organization" my writer friend calls it, pfft). I know, personally, that if I go down that rabbit hole I will not get anything done. I will get stuck.

So if you are honest with yourself and won't get stuck making the ideal macaroni map, send plotting advice for the rest of us homies out there ✌️

SVEG OUT

#please do not hold this against me when I am bestselling in 5 years #thank you #I'm sorry I've been practicing when I do booksignings

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the-starfall · 6 months ago

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Hi, so ive been working on a writing project for awhile now and the first chapter is soon to be ready to release (Yay) sooo id thought id post a few design things and explain world building a bit. In this post I will be detailing 1. The main setting and 2. The main race interacted with during the first chapter

Ill be honest i dont have a name for this project yet and have just been calling it “my sci fi” project in everything ive laid out so far. But everything else has names! So here is the map of the mensis star system, most importantly of its ring station/world thing that surrounds and orbits the star mensis. This giant space station was once habited by a race of prestigious fleshed based organisms called the yeltilore. (most commonly they are called either “bringers of light, soon to arrive once more” by the theocratic council of the lenier. Or by more common names, such as “precursors” “the old rotten fleshy bits we find in district 5 floating through space” or my personal favorites “those dudes who died”) they as the common names suggest *died* or “disappeared to the star to recharge their power” a long long long time ago, leaving their robot and android slaves (and their experiments) behind within the 15 districts of the metliru ring station, all of them changed, district five got hit by a small exoplanet that got trapped it metliru’s orbit, and is no longer safe for any intelligent being. And over time all of the robots made their own civilization, colony’s, and just generally gained free will, now only somewhat bound by the harsh rules of their precursors and the much harsher rules of their own governments.

Notable species include:

Lenier, once robotic servants now wirey messes that form bodies and develop complex thought, who will be detailed later

Felar (who show up later)

The horrors (who show up later)

The flesh born (who show up later)

And the rogues, bestial androids once kept as pets that now roam any and all unclaimed territory, feasting on metal and despite a lack of intelligence theyve developed a fierce pack like instinct

Now, more on lenierians

These dudes are fun, having been small robot slaves during the reign of the past, they ripped apart other such robots (and a lot of infrastructure) during their early days, adding their stolen wiring to themselves in order to look more akin to the precursors who came first. They developed a religious fervor to the guys who died, building their entire religion based government off of the idea that 1. The star mensis is the only star in existence (all windows they have aboard the ring face the star) and that the precursors simply went into the star in order to achieve godhood, and eventually they’ll come back and reward they’re devote with the same godhood. Sadly however, since the destruction of district 5 they where disconnected to any space ports unless they went all the way around, stopping any potential suicides into the star.

They live wherever is safe and function decently well as a society, decorating themselves with scavenged metals by melding them into their metal bits and just kinda existing, they have jobs, their trying to fix up their homes to not be derelict and they’re learning, like doing science and shit. Point is. Youll see a lot of these dudes especially since (at least) one of the main characters is in fact a lerian!

If you want more functional info on their design decypher my bad cursive, now have a good night

(Also, i know the science in this is flimsy at best, its much more fantasy than anything else, as a robotics nerd im sure all of my friends would be mad at my for these designs and as a science geek…i mean same, the idea of a giant ring around a sun as a world is slightly more absurd than a dyson sphere and i know that, most of the inspiration was one of my friends talking about the game stellaris and building rings around planets/stars and the idea of everything else flowed from that, ill be making more of this before the release of the actual first chapter. Which will be on AO3. Now goodnight! (P.s. please ask any world-building questions id love to answer them!)

#scifi #my art #artwork #traditional drawing #original species #writing #robot art #sub par drawing

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eldritchmochi · 1 year ago

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Letter ask: the word PHANTOM

jesus christ mina youre going to kill me lmao

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

HMMM i have a couple weird ones, because im me, but i think the weirdest would be the one where i just slap ashton into the whole situation i have going on with my job where they get hired to be reception (somehow??? he's baffled too honestly) and then ends up taking over bookkeeping because he has some level of prior experience due to all the temping hes done while trying to get out of manual labor work to save their increasingly fucked up body at least a little, and then revolves around him navigating getting his health under control and the fact that hes like... financially stable and almost well off???? for the first time in their entire life, with added bonus of the IT guy they deal with most for getting all the stuff set up to do bookkeeping is fucking cute as hell and they keep running into each other at the gym and then maybe something about taking care of both fcg and milo (even tho milo hates it) because finally ashton has money to meaningfully contribute to the well being of his friends. i will eventually write it because i think it'd be fun to put ashton into Situations in an entirely benign office setting when he's defintely not the sort youd think to be there, especially not in some sort of management situation, i just haven't figured out the rest of the cast lmao

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

broadly, it really depends. i am all over the map with where inspo comes from and just because i find inspo in one particular piece of media does not mean i'll latch onto something in the same vein even if you'd expect me to. even beyond format or indie vs mainstream, i'm wildly unpredictable when it comes to things like how fleshed out the characters i claim as mine are in source material and like even the kind of characters i find inspo in a lot of the time. like, ive written (but not finished) fic for crime procedurals so like...... my mileage certainly varies lmao

probably the trends are like: indie media or cult classics, things with found family, and things with characters who either have a solid base of unique traits to extrapoliate into a good personality or characters that are very well fleshed out and very unique

A N T answered here!!

O answered here!! but i'll answer it again because its fun lmao

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

this one is very much on repeat when i work on the 30k+ ashrym character exploration pwp i have been writing off and on for like 10 months lmao

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

okay so like, cherry was absolutely BAFFLED by my fmk answer for cr between my Big Three blorbos here because its absolutely fuck caleb, marry ashton, kill essek

BUT HEAR ME OUT so like ashton right?? we're both abrasive assholes who have a lot of things in common (brawling, punk diy, not touching people) so you'd think we'd butt heads a lot but i can absolutely see them being the sort to plainly state if i'm being annoying and how, and i also see him being the sort to respond well to the same. i think we'd vibe well because we just kinda get a lot of the bullshit we each go through and also have a similar enough way of communicating frustrations that there wouldn't really be hard feelings from frustrations. 10/10 good buddy, roommate, or husband material in my books

essek is the exact opposite. i would punch that wizard in the face like IMMEDIATELY lmao

caleb physically is aggressively my type (which is why i write so much porn from essek's pov lmao) but he would frustrate the hell out of me irl with the way he manages his trauma so id divorce him in like a year BUT the dick would be bomb so fwb but more benefits and less friends because i do not want to be someone's therapist i have been there

anyway.

there are several other letters in this ask game u can ask me bles it is very fun

#mochi rambles #mochi asks #haveievermentioned #mochi music

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chelzone · 1 year ago

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Upcoming Games from Me

been a bit since i touched upon the progress of the games ive been working on proper, so gonna do a lil write-up to give a refresher and hopefully inspired me to get back to regular game dev soon

this is a long write-up, so ive hidden everything under a read more for anyone that's genuinely curious to learn more about the three games ahead

Hallowed Discharge

this one is still slated to be the kinky and text-focused game made within the Quest engine. not entirely text though, as i utilize the map-making system within it so the player has a better idea of where they're going

short story summary like ive said befores is that you play as Reverend Artemis, a furry priest basically, and your goal is peacefully exorcising spirits from a long-abandoned mall

besides the protagonist Reverend Artemis, every other character is ghosts of every major or minor roles. it would be far too much work for me to detail every single one right now, especially cause there's still a big chunk ahead not yet written for!

there's a basic energy system in place tied to one's actions in the game, alongside a faith system and weight system. weight system affects not only the Reverend physically but also which tasks are feasible, how interactions pan out, and can lead to early game overs depending on the situation (ie: you hit the maximum in-game limit and cant feasible move out of somewhere)

the game's setting is the Delícias do Vale, an abandoned mall near the outskirts of the town of Sweet-Kiss Oasis in the country of Centauri. basically you'll explore the different floors of the mall, both parking lots, and a small bit of roads surrounding the mall

development progress: MOST of the map is set up in terms of foundation and what connects to much. there's still areas to block off / require alternate routes or tools to access based on the story and player's inventory. the main objectives are like 20% done currently, with the other 80% basically requiring me to handle the remaining exorcism tasks

possible release: still hoping for later this year at the earliest. the date has changed a lot due to me having to take breaks and hitting bouts of burnout. health always comes first, so if i need to take this slow for the rest of the process i will

Enchanted Bliss

my first attempt proper at making a visual novel, within the Renpy engine. basically a mixture between a story about furry wizards investigate a city-wide disaster and friendship and / or romance possibly budding between the protagonist and one of the supporting characters

characters involved include the protagonist Dylan Rhodes, the supporting wizards you can team up with (Brava Denver, Maple Finley, Marcos Wylder, Price Flynn, Remy Taffy and Serena Journey) and the lead supervisor for the team Carmichael Kentz

unlike other romance-adjacent dating sim type deals, this VN is made to ONLY support choosing one of the six supporting wizards to team up with during a single player. once you've made the choice, you CANNOT turn back unless you load a save back to the beginning of the game before making the choice. this was done to better flesh out the relationships between player and choice as well as make the dialogue and mini stories involved with each choice have way more impact and care put into em

main setting will be set around the demolished city of Filia Lunae in the country of Centauri. depending on who you team up with, you'll get a chance to either explore a facility within the city, the sewer system under it, or the outskirts where a river runs along the north edge of the city

development progress: all the main backgrounds are drawn, including the main screen. i'll still have to draw epilogue screens eventually and any bonus area screens if it seems needed. ive made at least 10 music loops for the soundtrack, tho i still need to make a LOT more before i start applying them to portions of the game while moving the rest to the official OST later on. only the introduction of the game is written, right before the player makes the choice of who they will team up with. none of the character assets / emotions are drawn yet but i'll get to it. only things ill have others handle is public domain sounds with credits given in the game of course. music, art, writing, and coding will fully be done by myself

possible release: realistically Sometime 2024 at the earliest, i cant possible be less vague than that because i'm trying to be realistic as possible with how much work is still ahead on this.

Nigh Maintenance

my first proper RPG maker game, following many scrapped less-focused attempts over the years. it's only in its early planning stages right now, with most of it being in the mind and not transferred to a proper document in my folders yet

will involve the main cast of my characters Waever Nuelle, Glory Fantasy, Mason, and Weston Fredericks. friend group of furry investigators of sorts, focusing on strange, paranormal, supernatural, and even extraterrestrial scoops and cases. i plan to include one supporting character past that, a currently-unnamed trucker that made her soft debut in my short story AFTERGLOW back in June 2020. will draw out her design and name in the future

basic story i got going currently is barebones but something along the lines of the main cast traveling with the trucker either through a desert focused setting or a cold focused setting. perhaps a mountainous one if im feeling so bold..? we'll see, only today as of writing am i finally figuring out a very rough story concept that excites me for once

will not feature combat, at least in the normal sense. i might do a gag where you 'fight' a door to break it open or something like that. generally past that i'll have puzzles that tie in inventory and stats of the party members, provided it doesnt get too ambitious. also lots of text and dialogue, much like the rest of my works lol

possible release: who knows, wouldnt be surprised if the 'earliest' i can say is 2025 but even then remember that as of writing i havent even BEGUN to write down plans and ideas in a document yet. all in the mind until i feel ready to start that stage of work

#WIP plans

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roosterbruiser · 2 years ago

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Can i just say, i enjoyed TGM a lot but i didnt get fixated on it BUT my friend recommended me your TGM fics bc she thought i'd like the way you write and holy FUCK do you write beautifully. Also if this isn't a bother, can i ask how do you start off with a fic? Like how do you map it out and other stuff bc ive been wanting to write my own and after reading yours i got hella inspired.

PS.

ive never been into miles teller or didnt really get attracted to rooster BUT the way you write him in VV and when i got attacked by a wet dream about him i'm now a certified Bradley Bradshaw Whore™️

what a fucking compliment oh my god!!! I literally gasped when I read this!! literally the thought of friends sharing my writing actually, truly boggles my mind?? like what!? people talk about my stories?? and think about them?? that is fucking insane!!

and yes bestie!! I don't mind at all!!

honestly, I chew on ideas for a long time!! I thought about VV for months before I decided to actually sit down and work on it!! I also wrote down every single thought I had about it, like just jotted them all down in my notes!! that helps a lot when it comes to planning!

I usually have to write a bit of it before I can sit down and make a plan, too. I really like detailed plans, even if I don't always follow them exactly. it really helps me when I'm writing the progress of the story so all of my characters have clear motivations and a direction that they're headed!!

and for me, it really helps to start off with an elusive prologue--something that can be built up to!! take VV and SS for example: both of them have pretty dramatic, elusive prologues. and you don't really know what/where they take place!

another thing that I find really helpful is fleshing out the location/setting the scene. it really helps me immerse myself in the story and figure out what's happening! so I'm constantly googling random foliage/wildflowers that are native to certain areas and using Pinterest for inspiration!!

and girl....Bradley Rooster Bradshaw is such a whore and we love him because we are also his whores 💛💛 honored that I converted you!! VV Bradley might be one of my favorite versions of him EVER!!!

#m answers #writing process #voulez vous

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jollyrogergay · 3 years ago

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things i didn't expect to be doing when i woke up this morning: agreeing to DM for my friends despite never playing d&d before

#IF THIS PLAYS OUT I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT SO MUCH #ive always been interested in DMing #we're starting out with premade scenarios but ive had campaign ideas brewing around in my head for awhile #as well as some maps ive made in my spare time #so having a reason to flesh all that out is Nice #dari & dragons #daria talks #text

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windowhateswildworks · 4 years ago

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not gonna lie im worried about the state of feral at the moment. im worried its going to end up failing and i dont want that to happen but at the rate things are going, it seems suspiciously like a possibility. rant under the cut with my thoughts

personally i really dont think feral has enough actual content to retain players. maybe this is going to change but i think they need to have some main gameplay mechanics that can actually give you a goal to set yourself to because atm there is just... item collection? thats not necessarily a bad thing but the item collecting itself is not terribly fun. i think feral right now seems super big on exploration, and that would be great if they had maps that were big enough to actually sustain exploration for long periods of time. but as of now the maps are just not big enough and even me with my horrible navigation and spacial awareness skills was able to memorize the maps and all the chest locations in a matter of weeks. if they picked that, they could add onto maps, making them more expansive and/or frequently changing, or they could just move to another main mechanic like pve, pvp, or some sort of rpg storyline (though it would have to be really long to actually keep players coming back)

i just think that feral is a collection of really cool ideas (sanctuaries, different modifiable avatars of folklore creatures, decals, dyes, the beautiful lands, the limited lore we've seen) but it doesnt have much of a core. every other game has some sort of core mechanic (minecraft has exploration and building, pokemon has strategic battles, lots of other games have immersive pve or pvp) and if you remove all the extra features and strip those games down to their bare bones, they still have those basic features that give the games their charm and enjoyability. if you took pokemon and removed character customization, pokemon camp, trading, world exploration, etc you would still have a game that people would play. (hell, i think that even exists online and is fairly popular) but if you took away battling it would lose everything that made it a fun pokemon game, you know? i think thats what feral is missing in the end. it has all of these cool features but seemingly nothing at its core that makes it worthwhile.

and it seems that the devs arent focused on adding new gameplay features at this point. they occasionally add stuff like the skyjellies, which are definitely a step in the right direction, but they arent going to solve the problem. theyre still about collecting materials which is... not terribly entertaining to be honest. its dull after a while and doesnt require any skill or effort (other than patience... imo feral is more often than not a patience simulator) and i dont think its the best. theyre mostly adding avatars and stuff and i think those are better left until theres an actual game to put them on. it just seems like theyre more focused on those shiny superficial things than fleshing out a real game.

ive had a hard time putting these thoughts into words but after thinking about it i think that ive realized that this is what feral has been missing. i dont think feral is going to survive without revamping its gameplay significantly, and unlike animal jam it doesnt have the advantage of an audience of young children who a) dont have better ways to spend their time and b) arent afraid to be social with one another. animal jam survives mainly because of the community around it, and the way they interact with one another. its a social game first and foremost. but feral doesnt yet have that kind of community yet. and all the teens who play on it are already too afraid to make phone calls or send an email so expecting them to talk to each other in game? dont rely on it to keep your game afloat. anyway those are just my thoughts on the state of feral. too much monetization on a hollow game is for sure gonna drive people away

#windows plays fer.al #fer.al #ferablr

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randomgooberness · 3 years ago

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1 thru 10 for the old skool warriors ask thing?

1. what color is scourge’s collar?

Purple, i simply cannot change this. though i like the idea of the front being red from dried blood

2. top 5 the prophecies begin characters

firestar, bluestar, cinderpelt, tallstar, and brightheart

3. should hollyleaf have had a power?

I really like the idea of her NOT having one and the tragic irony of it, but because the Erins didn't plan it it pisses me off so yeah she deserved one. Fucks sake even dovewings power fits her what did they MEAN by "nothing fits her"?

4. millie or silverstream?

millie in oots seems like a karen and a disability mommy who goes "OH IM SO CURSED BY HAVING A CHILD WITH A DISABILITY" meanwhile I just. never got attatched to silverstream! but if you cut out how millie acted in oots I REALLY liked her.

5. favorite forbidden romance

aaauuugughuguh prolly Blueoak. classic i care bluestar SO much. I like blueyellow more as a ship though

6. favorite sss warriors design

all of them slap so hard and are objectively correct but this bitch changed me

7. realistic or sparkle designs for roleplay?

I think realism is stupid and dumb so I lean more towards sparkle but if you show up to my campaign with a rainbow cat im going to very softly offer something that wouldnt make twolegs catch them and study them. I'll allow it if it was like. "im an ex-kittypet and my twoleg dyed my fur" because thats fucking hilarious and i love concepts like that

8. first deviantart username

goober826- still is :( ive been using that and randomgooberness since I got here

9. favorite crack ship (ex. revengeshipping)

SCOURGE X TIGERSTAR IS SOOOOOO FUNNY TO ME I CANT FUCKING STAND IT. BLAZETHEFIREDRAGONS FLESH MAP INSTILLED SOMETHING IN MY BRAIN WHEN I WAS 13

10. describe your first warriors oc

ANGELSTAR, BELOVED!! I still use her for the campaign I DM today!!! Baby me went "how much can I do to this one runt" and kept that motif in my writing for the rest of time. I love her so much shes so tired StarClan wont let her die

I kept naming my ocs shit like Angel or Angelstar which is SO funny bc now I'm using Angel as a more normal name than Goob IRL.

#warriors #warrior cats #CW: blood #asks

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jungcity · 5 years ago

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love, eternal. | v

genre: reincarnation!au, fallen angel!au

[supernatural!au-ish, angst, use of blunts and intoxicants, extra asshole jaehyun, smut, vulgar words]

pairing: jung jaehyun x reader

words: 7k

warnings: unprotected sex [use protection, always!!]

note: hello, loves! since ive been stucked inside our house, doing nothing, and all i could do is write— here’s another update! thank you for your kind words and comments the last update. i appreciate every single one of you. it makes me happy to think that you enjoy my writing style and the plot that i have in my silly mind. i hope you stay healthy and please please please wash your hands and sanitize!! i love you 💕

part iv | part vi

“God, if you’re out there,

if you’re listening,

he fucks like a seraphim,

and there’s no part of scripture

that ever prepared you for his hands.

Hands that map a communion

in the cradle of your hips.

Hands that kiss hymns up your sides.

He confesses how long he’s looked

for a place to worship and,

oh,

you put him on his knees.”

—excerpts from PROFANE by Ashe Vernon

Aurora.

With every chant of her name in your mind, you take a swig of the liquor with relish that would surely give you a hell-worth of hangover tomorrow. You couldn’t bring yourself to care now that you’re in a pit of a hole you don’t know how to climb off. Jaehyun was enraged by your constant chivvying, jilting your questions about Aurora like an ex-lover. While telling you aggressively that you have no business poking your nose where it doesn’t belong.

“Shut your mouth. I won’t hear questions anymore.”

Those were his words of command. After that, you kept your mouth shut the whole ride back to the hotel. And in the end, you didn’t tell them about your dreams either. If they’re reluctant to share something with you, you wouldn’t share the visions you have in your sleep with them too.

Asking Johnny about Aurora was like talking to the wind. He let your questions die unheard, excusing himself to greet the guests who needs his attention. Of course, what did you expect? All of the men who flocks around Jaehyun are his brethren, they won’t betray Jaehyun for you. They won’t answer your question without Jaehyun’s permission, that much you’re sure of because of your boss’ ubiquitous influence. Chaelin offered you no hope, dodging your question whenever she gets the chance. She offered you bits of information; about Aurora’s appearance— confirming that the Aurora you see is the Aurora of them— which you’re already familiar of because of your dreams. Besides that, Chaelin said nothing more.

It’s unusual, hearing her name in the real world. You’re not one to believe in superstitions, but there’s something about your dreams that made you want to tear off the meanings inside Jaehyun’s chest. It drives you mad, anxious, and even desperate. Yet your courage could only go far. One look from Jaehyun and all the questions bubbling in your mouth dissipates into nothingness.

Aurora being Jaehyun’s ex-lover already crossed your mind. His aloofness towards her name tells you something hadn’t gone well between them. But where is she now? Johnny knows her, so you assume that she’s close friends with Jaehyun’s friends. Why didn’t she show up in the party? Why does she only appear in your dreams?

You’re thirsty for answers and no one seems brave enough to quench your thirst. But maybe the liquor on your table could do the work.

Johnny’s party ended an hour ago. Here you are, satisfying yourself the way you did not allow to at his party. You left the hotel without giving Jaehyun a heads up of where you are. Why would you? He won’t give you answers to your questions, so you won’t give him the knowledge of your location. Not that it’s important to him anyways. He could go and do his office duties all by himself, if he dared work at one a.m. in the morning. But maybe he’s asleep, or doing his nightly ritual being that he’s a spawn of the devil come to life.

“You’re crazy, Y/N. Crazy and drunk,” You mumbled to yourself, sluggish words coming out your mouth.

“What’s a pretty lady doing here all alone while drinking herself to oblivion?”

You snapped your head to the owner of the voice. A man in his past thirty made his way on the bar stool beside you. He’s tall, hard muscles almost stretching the blue long-sleeves polo he’s wearing. You suddenly felt wary by his presence, so you moved an inch away from him.

“I won’t bite,”

The sentence came out sultry, with the man’s smirk matching it. You suddenly felt stupid to come out in a city you’re not familiar with in the dead of the night. Yet who could blame you? You wanted to lose your mind tonight, far away from the questions that tries to infiltrate every corner of your brain. However, the presence of the man beside you gave you an ominous feeling.

So you stood up, catching yourself when you slide on the same stool you sat on. The man is quick to wrap his warm hand on your arm, whispering on you to be careful.

“Thanks,” you muttered the one word laconically. Slapping a bill on the table, you dashed outside of the bar, your steps waddling as the wind greeted you outside, making you shiver.

“Shit, shit.” You curse as you clutch a handful of hair in your close palm, the liquor you pick hit hard than what you expected.

“Where are you staying?”

You ignore the same man at the bar who’s trying to catch on you. Although waddling, you tried to pick up your pace. The hotel is just five-minutes away. You have to get there untouched.

“Hey, it’s dangerous to walk these streets alone. Let me—”

He gripped your arm, hard enough to make sure you won’t budge.

“Hey!” You screamed at him, trying to pull your arm free, but the man didn’t stir. He only ran down his eyes on your body, like you’re a delectable meal he would soon devour.

“Let me go!”

The streets are dead, and the few bystanders glanced at you with concern in their faces. You inhaled a lot of air, ready to scream for help but the man only looked at the few passersby apologetically.

“I’m sorry, my girlfriend here had too much drink.”

Girlfriend? You wanted to crawl and spit on his face. How dare he call you his girlfriend when you do not have any idea of who he is? But his grip on your arm never slackened. If not, his fingers only dig deeper on your flesh.

“You will come with me without making noise or else—”

“Or else what?”

You’d recognize that voice even a mile away. Jaehyun. As much as you want to tell him to go and leave you on your own business, your nerves screams for him to help you. The slight twist of his mouth tells you that he feels your discomfort under the man’s presence. And you know he is not happy about it.

“Who are you?”

Jaehyun brushed off the man’s question by walking towards you, hands on his pocket, not a trace of emotion could be seen on his face. When he’s finally standing face to face with your captor, he swiftly pulled you towards him. Though the tight grip of the man left your flesh smarting, you felt instantly safe beside Jaehyun. But it was short-lived as the man pulled you taut towards him again. Why won’t he drop it and fuck off already?

“Fuck of—”

The man did not finish his vulgar words for Jaehyun landed a fist on his jaw right away. He stumbled on his feet, his lips kissing the pavement. Jaehyun did not waste anytime, he grabbed your hand and secured you behind him.

“I dare you to touch her again,” He said coolly when the man slowly pulled himself up. There was anger and embarrassment in his face. You thought he’d swing a punch towards Jaehyun as vengeance but he only looked at him with wary, then dashed away.

Behind Jaehyun, you feel smaller than you are. Because of your own imbecility, he landed himself on trouble again. You just wanted a harmless night of enjoying yourself, but seeing where your little endeavor ended elicited a wistful sigh past your lips.

Jaehyun stared down at you, his shadows overruling your height. You hate that he could make you feel worse and defeated than you already are.

“Stupid.”

One word. One word and all the thank yous that you wanted to tell him faded out in an instant like the gust of wind in the summer. It’s unfair, to feel this chagrined towards the man who apparently saved you from an imminent danger yet you couldn’t help yourself but to lash out on him.

“Stupid?” —you asked, and you wanted your lips to stop there, but it didn’t—“Yes! I know that! But I think it’s cruel to say that to my face when I literally was inches away from getting assaulted! At least show some comfort, Jaehyun!” The words were whiplash savage, hopefully to shake him off his callous self.

One step. That’s all it took for Jaehyun to close the gap between the both of you. You tried to stare him down, not letting him see that standing this close to him makes your knees turn jelly and your bones to become brittle inside you.

“Raise your voice towards me again, and I’m gonna give you a real reason to scream.” His face and his voice doesn’t give away any emotions, but it made you flustered anyway.

You hate it. You hate the way that he could get to you every time you think that you could best him and his emotions. You hate it when he talks to you slatternly yet your body couldn’t help but tingle in his every words. You hate it whenever he brushes you off like a fly, yet you couldn’t help but melt into his touch. You hate it when he swears, yet you couldn’t help but pull him closer whenever he kisses you like he’d never sate himself. And it drives you crazy.

He walks ahead of you now, not giving a fuck about your existence again. You tried to match his step, but you need to split your legs first to match his strides. And your intoxicated state made everything worse. Your eyes are drooping and you feel hot everywhere. Cursing the liquor for your state, you shambled your way towards the hotel’s entrance, oblivious of the step that resulted to your cheek kissing the earth.

“Ouch!”

“Truly stupid,”

You heard Jaehyun mumbled before helping you stand and scooping you swiftly in his arms in a bridal style. If your face isn’t ruddy enough because of the alcohol, you’d bet Jaehyun would think that his chivalrous side made you blush— which is true, but you’d thank the intoxicants for that.

When you reached your room, he carefully laid you on your feet, demanding for the keys. You carelessly fished for it inside your little bag, turning it upside down, resulting for all its content to spill on the floor. Jaehyun sighed, clearly on his edge, but he picked up all your things and place it back on your bag. The click of the door reverberated through the silent corridors, and you wobbled inside, palming the switch that’d turn on the lights, but to no avail.

The moonlight infiltrated your room, slightly illuminating your bed. You walked towards it, feeling Jaehyun’s presence behind you.

“Hey!” You laughed, the alcohol kicking in your system now. He raised a brow, but strides towards you nonetheless.

You grabbed his hand, pulling him with you to the mattress, “Thank you!”

You haven’t realized that he’s on top of you and your face are mere inches away from each other. Maybe it’s your blurred vision, or the little light provided by the moon— but did Jaehyun blush? You would see it easily if he did. The bright red would stand starkly against his pale face.

His face. You dared touch his face then, expecting him to slap your hand away and walk out of the room— but he didn’t. He let you hold his face, his eyes fluttering from the sensation, a ghost of a smile creeping up his lips. Then you ran your fingers on his red lips— so inviting, so captivating.

“Who did your lips?” You asked, “I need to know who your surgeon is!”

You leaned forward and bite his lip, which elicited a groan from him. Laughing, you tried to push him, but the hard muscles on his chest were taut.

“Do that again,” He whispers on your lips, the mint of his breath wafting your nose.

“Oh no, we’re gonna do something we’d prolly regret tomorrow,” You chuckled, and bit his lips once again.

This time, he didn’t let you push him away. He kissed you, with enough fervor that sent jolts on your body automatically. His lips were hungry against yours, as they always are whenever you kiss. There’s biting, clashing of teeth against teeth, and there was licking. You couldn’t hold yourself back, not when he kisses you like you’re a goddess. He parted your lips to suck your tongue and you let him. Every suck of his mouth leaves you breathless, but you want more. More than this.

You spread your hips then, allowing him access on your center. He gets the notice in an instant, then he started to grind on you. You gasped underneath him, feeling tingles on your lower abdomen. He continued to kiss you passionately, only to move on and started kissing your jaw, and on the sweet spot on your neck. You’ve got a fistful of his hair tangled on your hands now, but he doesn’t seem to feel the pain on his scalp as he continues to ravenously kiss you while still grinding on you.

You felt your own wetness against your panties, your center begging to be touched.

“Jaehyun,” You said, out of breath.

He suddenly stopped and looked at you, like he’s gotten out of a bubble, “As much as I want you naked right now, I won’t fuck you intoxicated chérie.”

You look at him askance, “You’ll leave me like this?” By your words, you felt your center pulsating, making you even more hotter than you already are.

“Y/N,” He said your name with careful tones, “I don’t want you to regret anything tomorrow,”

You shake your head. And you don’t even know why the hell do you insist. But in his eyes, even though you couldn’t see well because of the light, you know he wants this as much as you want to.

“Jaehyun… I know you want this.”

He sighs, frustrated, “Yes, chérie. I bloody want to fuck you senseless right now. I’ve been wanting to since that day I kissed you on your living room.” He’s holding both your cheeks now, his breath coming out ragged.

You couldn’t believe your ears. Jaehyun wants you. He bloody does. Him, admitting it made the fire inside you burn brighter.

You grabbed him, fuck tomorrow and fuck everything. “Fuck me senseless then,”

Jaehyun groans, he gave you a ravenous kiss before unclothing himself, the only thing covering him now is his boxers. And oh, isn’t he beautiful? The perfectly sculpted muscles of his chest down to his abdomen made your mouth go dry, and the V cascading down his glory tells you it would be a painful night. This isn’t your first time, but it is your first time seeing a huge penis such as his.

He wasted no time to undress you too, but he was gentle as a man who walks with a walking stick. Every reveal of skin made his breath hitch— desire flickering in his eyes, and amazement. But he didn’t say anything, just kiss your lips again.

His lips travels down your neck, where he sucked on the sweet spot that he made sure would leave a mark tomorrow. While he does, his hands travels around your body— feeling your soft mounds on his palm. Then he popped his mouth on your other nipple, sending your body into frenzy. It’s been so long since you’ve done this that you already forgot the feeling. He took turns sucking on your nipples while massaging the other. And you palmed him against his boxers as he does do. He shivered, mouth against your ear.

“Don’t do that, chérie. I don’t wanna come all over your hand.”

You blushed— hard. And he chuckles by your gob-smocked reaction. He continued his penetration on your breasts, stopping only when he felt your wetness on his knees himself.

“Naughty,” He whispered on your ear, tickling you. Slowly, agonizingly, he peeled of your panties off you and his boxers off him—his glory slapping on his stomach as he did so. His length made you gulp. You’ve never imagined him to be that huge. He couldn’t seem to notice your awe because he slowly pulled your legs towards him, feeling your wetness on his fingers. His touch sent you writhing on the bedsheets, wanting for more.

“Patience,” He licks his fingers then, making sure you’re eye to eye as he licks your liquid clean off his fingers.

He leaned towards you, the head of his penis poking your entrance. He whispered, so husky and so raspy that you melt. “Can you lift your hips for me, chérie?”

You exhaled, doing his command slowly. He held your hips, slowly guiding you towards him. Then you felt it. First, poking your entrance. Second, slowly pushing inside you. Third, his wholeness is on you. You gasped.

He groans, “So tight and so fucking wet for me.”

His words alone could send you to your climax. He picked up his pace but he’s still pushing in and out of you slowly, giving you time to adjust to his length. He realized that the tightness is unusual, and you felt it too. Your walls stretching open slowly, tearing the muscles that made you shut your eyes. It wasn’t as painful as the first time, but the pain is still there. Jaehyun steadily push himself in and out of you for a minute or two, before you told him to pick up his pace, which he oblige with a nod.

Now you couldn’t help but scream his name for he fucks you like there’s no tomorrow. His hands on both sides of your head, his every thrust digging you deeper on to the mattress. Your toes curl, and you lifted your hips, wanting to feel more of him.

Jaehyun grunts, his sweats dropping on your chest and on your face. His eyes are shut, feeling everything. You clenched around him, sending him to moan your name into the darkness.

“So… fucking… beautiful.” He curses while looking at you, both of your bodies bouncing against the mattress. You cling on to his shoulders then, your hands feeling something bumpy on his back— like two long gashes of scars— near his shoulder blades. What is it? You shake off the questions, there’s time for that.

Jaehyun continued thrusting on you until you felt a tingle in your lower abdomen, cascading down your clit, “Jae— Jaehyun, I’m near—”

By your words, he pulled out of you, a sudden emptiness you felt in your system. But it was short-lived as he guided you towards the window and whispers, “Bend over, chérie.”

You did as you were told, the gloaming greeting you as you bend over the window. Jaehyun inserted himself on you the second you oblige his command, eliciting a gasp from the both of you. The feeling of being fulfilled came back in an instant.

Then he’s grabbing your hair, your shoulders, your upper body; his one hand wrapped around your breast, twirling on your nipple as he fucks you behind.

The horizon is gleaming in red, the sun will shine soon. And the view is spectacular. Here you are, in London, being fucked mercilessly by a man named Jung Jaehyun. You felt your clit pulsate, your climax approaching.

“Jaehyun!” You screamed at the top of your lungs as you felt your climax tore through your body— your mind went blank from the pleasure. Your body trembled in his grasp. Suddenly, the galaxy seemed so near you could grab it.

Then you felt Jaehyun tensed behind you, a loud groan escaping his lips.

“Fuck!” He shuddered. And the whole room were instantly filled with your heavy breathings.

You could feel your knees wobbling, Jaehyun catching you before you fall on the floor. He laid you carefully on the bed before wiping off the liquid off your sexes, the tissues touching your clit made you shudder a bit, still high on your climax. He tucked you on the thick sheets after cleaning both of you, “Sleep well, chérie.” He mumbled against your hair.

Perhaps it was exhaustion and the intoxication that drove you easily to slumber. But before you drift in complete blackness, you felt Jaehyun kissing your shoulder— tucking you closer to his body.

—

An unexpected headache hit you the moment you opened your eyes, the sunlight glinting on the skies above, its gleam infiltrating your room straight to your vision, making you squint.

The sheets wrapped around your naked body and the scattered clothes on the floor reminded you of what happened last night. A smile creep in your lips as you remember the memories.

Jaehyun was nowhere to be found, but the space he took on the bed was still warm in your palms, a sign that he just got out of bed. You supposed he’s back on his own room, taking a shower since the schedule tells you that today is the day you’d come back home.

Wincing by the pain in your head, you wrapped the sheets tighter on your body then you stand up and trudge towards the window. The memory of the gloaming coating the whole sky earlier came back on your mind, with it the feeling of Jaehyun’s hands grasping your body like he never wanted to let go. His groans and his moans whispering like a phantom wind on your ear as you inhale the sweet air of London.

You were somber as you look at everything around you. From the pavement, to the trees, the flowers and the clear blue sky— a dream come true. I’ll be back, you whispered. There was something familiar tugging you in the atmosphere, yet you couldn’t explain what is it.

The door creaked open, revealing a freshly bathed Jaehyun. He doesn’t smile when you meet his eyes, and he didn’t need to show or tell you about last night to know that he remembers— his eyes could absolutely do the work. It amazes you how much emotions his eyes could conjure— it’s like a glass, mirroring his feelings even though he doesn’t express them with words. But the wrath underneath his irises remains no matter how much emotions his eyes could handle.

“Morning,” He softly mumbled, and you repeated the words to him. You notice that he’s holding something behind him.

“What are you carrying?”

By your words, his ears started to redden. You find it adorable— Jaehyun blushing. But you decided not to tease him about it, afraid that you’d ruin the mood. And you’re absolutely sure that he won’t take it kindly once you point it out. He shifted, conspicuously uncomfortable.

When he didn’t answer, you push him a little bit. “Is that for me?” you cooed. His ears are crimson red now. You bite your lips to stop yourself from giggling.

Here he is, your boss, the CEO of a prestigious company, Jung Jaehyun, red as a tomato in front of you. Never in a million years you’ve imagined this to happen. You walked towards him, clutching the sheets on your body. But what’s the point? He has seen everything already. Yet the way his eyes roamed up and down your wrapped body still made the hairs on your neck prickle. He’s looking at you like he doesn’t know what lay underneath the sheets.

“Wear this.” He pushed the gift on your chest that you struggled to catch it for your one hand is busy clutching the sheets to keep you covered.

“What’s this? It’s not something scandalous, right?” You asked, peeking on the insides of the gift.

Jaehyun sighed, “Just… wear it. We have someplace to go to,” Then he’s gone to his own room.

You frown, you thought you’re going home today. But it seems like Jaehyun has another business to go to. You quickly unwrapped the gift, a flowy dress with little flowers all over is the content of it, accompanied with a little note.

I hope you don’t regret anything, chérie. Because I don’t. – J

The note locked you in your place, mouth slightly gaping from the message. You knew it. You knew he doesn’t regret a single thing. Yet his assurance made everything better— even clear as the waters of the lake glinting in the sunlight. And you feel like floating on the same water like a driftwood, unaware of where shore you’d land on, yet enjoying the thrill of the waters still.

You rinse yourself, lathering your hair with shampoo. The places where Jaehyun touched you— worshipped you— last night tingles as you trace them, feeling his calloused yet careful hands against your skin. Was it a dream? Everything that’s happened? If it was, you pray that you experience it again. And yet you remember that your dreams holds trapped mysteries like the smoke in a crystal ball, too obscured to be understood.

Aurora. Knowing nothing aside from the woman’s appearance left you incomplete— like she was a phantom limb missing in your body, and only knowing something other than her blue eyes would complete you. Who are you? You asked, debating whether to nag about it to Jaehyun again. But you have no wish to ruin the building bond you’re starting with him, you do not want to infuriate him, or yourself if ever he doesn’t answer again. Perhaps in the right time, you’d know everything. But not now. Not when you don’t have any clue of what’s to come the moment your questions are all answered.

You’re certain about one thing, though. And that’s whatever your role might be in this chain of a story, it’s not a flowery path that you’d enjoy. You feel something destructive lying ahead and on the end of this dream, but right now, you’d let yourself run and be a coward for a while.

—

Paris, France. Every woman’s dream. And now you couldn’t contain your self as you spin around the place.

Jaehyun didn’t give away any clue when you were inside his private plane that arrived earlier. Private plane, yes. The truthiness of it made you appalled, like a fish blobbing in the sea. You just knew that you’re already in Paris when you saw the tiny Eiffel Tower from above the clouds.

Everything seemed so serene and peaceful— and you supposed it’s because of the statue of St. Michael standing proudly on the grounds of Place Saint-Michel in 6th arrondissement.

You aren’t a pious lady, but your mother was. That’s why you know the rosary and the prayers of Ave Maria. You and your little sister, Yuqi, would kneel beside her every night before dinner to whisper the prayers alongside her. As a child, you’d always tripped on your words, eliciting a giggle from Yuqi and a glare from your mother. But even though she’d give you a sharp scolding afterwards, you’d never trade the memory for the world.

Jaehyun offered you his right hand, “Come.”

That was his first word after you departed the plane and on the way here. You haven’t yet asked him why did he choose this place to go to. He was so quiet on the way— the kind of silence that you’re so accustomed to— the silence that tells he doesn’t want to talk to anybody.

You take his hand, your palms easily covered by his large ones. Holding hands and walking with your lover in the grounds of Paris was one of your lifetime dreams— and now it’s happening. Your heart couldn’t stop from beating loudly in your chest. But is he your lover? You couldn’t claim him yet, and you don’t know if he’d like that idea. Perhaps you’re stupid, to revel in this feeling, but your heart feels utterly safe whenever you’re with him. Even though Jaehyun is as complicated as a twisted rope, there’s a tug that continues to pull you towards him. As much as you want to understand where it is coming from, there’s a voice in the back of your mind that tells you not to worry about anything. You feel like the ocean water, whenever it flows around the world, it’d still come home in the shores.

“Is that a statue of Archangel Michael?” You asked, wonderment visible on your face.

You’re not good in architecture, but the intricate design of the Renaissance style pediment awed you. It contains of a tablet, the year 1860 inscribed in Roman numerals on its surface. At the central niche, you’d see the statue of Archangel Michael winning a combat against the devil.

“Wow. That must be Lucifer,”

You pointed at the other statue underneath the Archangel. Jaehyun’s grip on you tightened, making you snap your head at him. His face carried no emotions, but his eyes— you couldn’t see them at your position beside him. But he’s looking straight at the statue, like he’s reminiscing an old memory.

“But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the sinner that needed it most?” Jaehyun said while still looking at the statue. “A quote I’ve read somewhere,” he added when he noticed that you were quiet beside him.

You grew up knowing the stories in the Bible, it has many mysteries, and it’s not perfect. But it molded your little five-year-old heart into the woman that you are now. Looking at Jaehyun, and hearing his quote reminded you of your mother again, and how she taught you not to judge those who has different beliefs than you. You wonder if Jaehyun is one of those people.

“Are you sympathizing with the devil right now?” You asked, careful not to sound insulting. Religion is the one thing you have no idea how to talk with to other people. Asking Jaehyun feels like you’re walking on a thin thread.

He didn’t answer for a minute or two, just continues to hold your hand in every minute that passes. When he does, it was brief and almost breathless, “Yes.”

You inhaled, “May I know why?”

You waited for his sharp reiteration, but none came. Instead, his voice was lacking of life. “Because no one did. No one does,” Then he was silent again.

“Didn’t he betray God?” You regretted the words the moment it slid past your lips. The voice of your mother scolding you for being nosy repeating in your mind. But again, Jaehyun’s voice was toneless. His eyes seems to look at a vestige of something that is long gone.

“Did he, really? Or did I just loved him too much?”

I? But before you could ask him about it, he dragged you away from the statue. Three steps away from it, he turned around and whispered.

“Farewell, brother.”

You almost didn’t hear it. But you were certain you heard him call the statue of the Archangel ‘brother’. You’re supposed to shrug it off and leave him be, but there was hopelessness and longing in his eyes that made you inquisitive.

“Did you just call the statue your brother?”

His mouth opened up and said something, but you didn’t hear the words because of the loud wailing of a child nearby.

—

“Did you just call the statue your brother?”

He doesn’t look at you when he answered, afraid that his eyes might give away his emotions. “Yes. Because he’s indeed my brother. Once.”

Jaehyun hated it. He hated the truth that no matter how many millennia he rots in Earth, the loneliness of not being with his brothers doesn’t disappear. If not, it only makes him more of a sinner. The wanting to fight and win wars with them eats him up like a disease, suffusing all his ability to be sane. Perhaps he was crazy, delusional, to even hang on the little hope that he feels in his heart. Of the hope that one day, he’d spread his wings and fly again into heaven. Yet every time he remembers Aurora, he’s reminded of the punishment on his shoulders.

It angers him still— to think that Aurora lived a life meant to cease— that she lived a life as a vessel to punish the Fallen; him. Albeit realizing the truth, he still loved her with all that he is. And where did that lead her? Into her own doom.

And as he looked at you now, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for what he’s doing. Is this love? He questions himself every night, much more so after that night you shared. Yet an uncertain feeling that maybe you aren’t one of his punishment makes him want to hold you closer, tighter, longer. Could he risk it? Could he risk you? He couldn’t seem to bear the thought of you withering away from him— yet that is the only way to keep you safe, protected.

He’s thought about you all night, not even a blink of sleep visited him. He’s thought about how beautiful you’d looked in Johnny’s party with your tulle dress and intricate coiffure. And the dance you shared— there’s nothing in this world who could take that memory away from him. It reminds him of Aurora, and their dance that night in her father’s fête. It was familiar yet different at the same time. The thought of her made him froze, remembering how you asked about Aurora sparked a frisson of fear in him. Why are you so eager to know anything about her? There’s a sense of foreboding in your every question about Aurora that made Jaehyun uneasy.

He laid awake beside you, watching your face as you drift off to sleep, while sundries of thoughts occupies his mind. He wonders what kinds of dreams visits you whenever you close your eyes? Is it about him? The thought of you dreaming about him etched a smile on his lips. Yet he’s been cruel to you to even deserve that.

He knows that he must be crueler and put an end to this stupidity. He couldn’t hurt you, no. He’s done a lot of destruction to the people around him already and he couldn’t bear the idea of you hurting because of him. Whether you’re not a part of his punishment, he knows that letting himself fall for you would lead only to your own ruination. That’s why he made up his mind. What he feels for you, he’s determined not to let it eat him up— he’s determined to crush it if it means your safety.

He once had become selfish, and that remissness only resulted to his own heart being shattered and the death of his lover. It’s hard to move on, and it’s harder to forget. One hundred years, the memory still clings to him; Aurora’s skin and bones slowly wilting to the state of emaciation. All of it was his fault. It was his fault because he didn’t guard his heart enough.

It was waggish, Jaehyun thinks. He was a warrior of heaven— his heart unfailingly comes second to his mind. That’s what he’s learned as God’s soldier. Yet he couldn’t believe that the little thing full of veins and arteries inside his body would be his forever retribution.

He wanted to capture the moment every time he’s with you. Specially now, while you innocently eat an ice cream in your hand, strands of your hair loosing from your bun and billowing against the wind. But he knows keeping you there would only ruin you. Everything about him is truly twisted— from the way that he treated you with his actions and with his words. But the fire inside you never once wavered whenever you’re with him. Unlike him, you do not let yourself have grudges towards anyone. Everything for you is a river that flows freely. But Jaehyun, he is a tsunami of feelings, ready to destroy anyone and anything on his wake. There’s simply no way to extricate himself from his nature and damnation.

A strand of hair strayed on your face, he tucked it behind your ear as he watched you with adoration in his eyes. “Are you fond of angels?”

He blamed himself for your question. Perhaps he was overwhelmed by seeing the statue of Archangel Michael earlier, and perhaps you’ve seen it in his eyes. He knows the question isn’t meant to harm him but it overwrought him even so.

He nodded, “You could say that,”

He was fond of angels, of course. Because he’s one of them. Even though the rules of his damnation kept him tied to Earth, the wings in his back and the ichorous blood that runs in his veins still stand as an attestation of his angelic identity. No one could take that from him.

You smiled sheepishly at him, your eyes reflecting something he couldn’t quite understand. Your irises conjures a secret he wanted to know, yet it’s obvious that you would tell him soon. But there is no soon left for the both of you. After this day, he knows you’d come back and hate him again. He knows he no longer would see the stars in your eyes and the constellations in it. He knows he won’t kiss you and hear the prayers on your lips again. He won’t be allowed to thread his fingers against the finest silk that is your hair. The star between you two would die even before it is born. And he forces himself to think that that is for the best.

—

“That’s… wonderful, sis.” Yuqi commented as she entered your room with a bag of chips in hand.

You just came back from Paris yesterday, with a bag of memories that you’d treasure for the rest of your life. The last day was by far the best trip you’ve ever had. You explored half of Paris’ tourist attractions, dined in their famous restaurants, and slept with a five-star hotel with Jaehyun. Surprisingly, he allowed himself to sleep with the same room as you. But nothing happened. And no pillowtalks was shared. Jaehyun’s not that type of man, he made sure of that. Yet the silence that you shared together was still enough to make you happy. You stared with each other, smiling, your eyes talking, and him kissing your forehead before you fall asleep. It was enough, and it was perfect.

“Is it, though?” You raised your brow at your sister, popping a handful of chips in your mouth.

Knowing about Jaehyun’s fondness of angels, especially of fallen angels, you decided to give the painting you’re working on on his birthday. Even though it is not originally your idea, the familiar tug in your heart tells you that Jaehyun won’t mind. And you have to trust your intuition. It is better than nothing.

“Yes. Never really thought you to be a Renaissance girl,”

“That’s literally my style, Yuqi.” You told her and she shrugged. “You’re not really giving much attention to your big sis’ art life.” You jokingly frowned at her. Yuqi gathered the softest pillow and hit you with it.

“If you don’t remember, I am currently specializing in finance. That is like, what, poles away from your profession.”

“Whatever.”

She shifted on her seat, “You said that’s not a commission. What’s that for, then? Don’t tell me we’d just hang that piece in our walls. I mean, yes, we could. But I know you won’t let that painting sit in this apartment.”

“Why? What’s wrong with our apartment? And I still don’t know what to do with it. Maybe give it to someone else?” That is not a ‘maybe’. You’d really give it to someone, but you’re unready to discuss the idea of gifting Jaehyun with your art to your sister.

“Someone? Who is that someone?” She chivvied. You shrugged and laugh at her. There’s no way you’d tell her.

Yuqi stayed in your room for the whole day, eating and binging dramas while you work on your canvas. Finally, you could envision how it’d turn out. Thankfully, it’s turning out the same as the one in your dream.

Then Aurora’s face flashed in your mind. Wherever she is, would she condemn you for recreating her artwork? It suddenly felt wrong, to give this to Jaehyun. How twisted it is. That the same girl who constantly appears in your dreams is connected to the people you work with in real life. The sudden realization hit you like a tidal wive. It is real. And it feels wrong to remind Jaehyun of Aurora somehow through her painting.

You tugged on your hair, blowing out a frustrated sigh because of your lack of common sense. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Yet letting the almost-finished canvas to rot in the corner of your room is worse than finishing it. Maybe you’d come up with another gift to give Jaehyun.

But why am I thinking about this too much? Why am I so invested in pleasing Jaehyun when he haven’t even texted nor called me for two days?

You shrugged and kept all your art materials. Demanding for a simple hi nor hello from Jaehyun is what you call absurdity. The bed is specially inviting tonight and dwelling on your ridiculous thoughts won’t help you get the paycheck tomorrow and pay the bills. Even though you fear for the dreams to visit you again, you have a work that would need your productivity tomorrow so you decided to sleep.

Your name— it’s being uttered by different voices; there is the voice of a child, of a woman, and that of an old person. What is happening?

“Please, wake up.” They say.

Then you heard the sobs, echoing through the whole house. The house is huge, it’s like a labyrinth of corridors. Gathering your white dress, you spin around, trying to locate the voices. The whole house seemed to gyrate in every step that you take, muffling the cries and the pleas.

You flit to nowhere, but the voices are getting louder every time you open the wrong door. It’s like an endless hallway and the cries are getting disconcerting, begging for you to find it. A huge oak door greeted you at the end of the hallway, and with your heart thundering against your chest, you pushed it open.

The room is familiar— it’s the same room where you found the canvas. A kneeling family around a queen-sized bed welcomed you as you fully entered the room. Their hands are clasped with rosaries, obviously praying.

“Hello?”

They don’t seem to hear you. You walked closer towards the bed. A frail body resting on it, her bones are jutting out and her skin looked ashen. Her chests, the way it rises and falls gave you a preposterous goosebumps.

“Y/N!”

You covered your mouth. It was Aurora. The hair. But why are they calling her with your name?

“Y/N, don’t die!” The little girl screamed, river of tears flowing on her cheeks.

The sight made your heart sunk. They are all crying, begging, praying. Yet no one seems to hear them.

“I’m sorry, Aurora.”

You whirled your head to see Jaehyun standing on the corner. He looked so hopelessly defeated. Red rimmed his eyes, with fresh tears coming out of it. He’s crying, and he’s the only one who doesn’t call Aurora by your name.

What is going on? Is this why he doesn’t want to talk about her? Because she’s dead?

But when did she die?

—

“I… had a dream.”

Yuqi continued eating, but she told you to go on by nodding.

The dreams, they are not as friendly as you think they would be. They keep on coming, getting more and more peculiar every time they visit you in your sleep, to the point that searching and reading articles about it on Google couldn’t help you anymore. They are bottling up inside your chest, and you have a jarring feeling that any time soon, they would burst.

“About… about a girl. I always dream about her. In different places… and I think she’s not from our year. Her clothes, the way she carries herself— she reminds me of a princess. Or… a lady.” You haven’t thought that opening it up to your sister would be this hard. Your words are twisting and trampling on their own.

“Have you searched about it yet?”

“Yes. Search engines couldn’t even help me in this one.”

“Maybe a fortune teller could help.”

Fortune teller? Where on earth could you find one in this modern society? You sighed, promising yourself not to tell anybody about it again. Yuqi seemed disinterested about the whole notion, and you wished you could be like her too.

—

Mind wandering off to different places, you trekked inside Jung’s Fiscals. The voices and the cries of Aurora’s family echoing in your mind elicited a grimace from you. They felt so in pain. And you know that kind of pain— the kind of pain when you lost someone dear to you.

“Y/N!”

“Morning, Soo.”

“What’s wrong? That type of face wasn’t what I was expecting from a London girl!” She teased.

You tried to smile and laugh with her, telling her stories about your trip all the way to the elevator. But before you got inside, she turned you to face her. “Mr. Jung has already arrived… with a girl.”

A girl? You blinked, wondering who she might be. But then you remembered that Chaelin is a girl and she’s friends with Jaehyun. Soojin probably doesn’t know her and you have no time to ask her about the girl’s appearance. So you shrugged off the unsettling feeling in your system and gave Soojin a quick peck on the cheek before stepping in the elevator.

Once inside, you fished your phone in your pocket. A text from Jaehyun was displayed on the screen.

[Bring two cups of coffee once you arrived.]

You frowned at the message. That’s it? No good morning or take care?

After cleaning off your desk and checking for anything amiss, you walked towards the kitchen to make Jaehyun and his guest cups of coffee. Him, arriving before you was unusual. What could possibly be the reason? You shrugged and did his command, setting the hot coffees on the tray.

You balanced the tray in your arms, careful not to spill the coffee. The door clicked, you pushed it open by swaying your hips.

You breathed, “Good—”

And all of your efforts to be careful were washed down by a cold bucket of reality as you stare at the scene in front of you.

The girl from Jaehyun’s penthouse. She’s pressed against the wall, legs wrapped around Jaehyun’s waist. She’s almost naked, with Jaehyun kissing her like there’s no tomorrow. He grasps her waist and her breast, earning a moan from her.

Your arms wobbled. And the next thing you heard was the shattering of the coffee mugs against the floor, together with your heart.

#jung jaehyun au #jung yuno imagines #jung jaehyun imagines #jaehyun nct au #jaehyun imagines #nct imagines #nct smut #jaehyun smut #feedbacks are so much appreciated!!!

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brooklyn-times · 5 years ago

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Five Stages

PAIRING: BUCKY BARNES X READER

SUMMARY: The five different stages of their relationship.

WARNING: soft bucky, mention of sex (no graphic description though), angsty, and I don’t know, is Bucky Barnes a warning?

word count: 2721

A/N: Happy reading. My first ever fanfic. A one-shot, BUT STILL. I hope you enjoy it!!

“I don’t trust you.”

You look up from the tab in your hand which was currently showing a map and two dots on it.

You both are on the Quinjet along with Nat on a mission to track down a self-proclaimed, psychotic super-villain who believes that he is following God’s wishes by getting rid of pesty humans.

His words, not yours.

“Cool. Pass me the water bottle, will you?”

He frowns at you, pursing his lips. Predictably he leaves your room without saying anything more. And without giving your bottle.

Grumpy asshole.

You had arrived at the compound almost three months back with nothing more than a backpack filled with a pair of clothes and fifty dollars, surprising everybody when you single-handedly caused a citywide blackout. Tony Stark, bless his soul, had taken you into the group, training you and helping you to discover the full potential of your powers.

But Bucky had never truly accepted you. He had never said anything outright to your face before today, but he had always maintained a certain amount of distance from you, wary eyes following you around like a hawk trying to catch it’s prey’s weakness.

You had ignored him the entire time.

You have enough to deal with as it was without a hundred-years-old grumpy super-soldier.

Running from the warehouse, right into the heart of the forest, you feel the sudden force of the blast behind you. Thrown right into a huge tree, you feel your breath leave right out your lungs. Groaning, you try to sit up, wincing when your back hurt like a bloody bit-

“Get up, get up, get up. The fire is going to spread.” You look at Bucky with blurry eyes. He is, as usual, frowning.

Groaning, you try to get up. You really do. But then you fall right back on your butt.

Pretty clearly annoyed, Bucky turns to look at the burning forest which is exactly a hundred feet from you both.

Cursing, Bucky picks you up and runs towards the Quinjet.

Grumpy or not, you think, you begrudgingly had to admit that you owed him your life from that day on.

You didn’t like it one bit.

——————————————————–

ii.

“You are somewhat tolerable, I suppose.”

“Gasp! Really?” You say, equal parts deadpan, sarcasm and amusement.

He rolls his eyes and looks at Nat who was grinning wide at the cake in front of her.

When asked about her birthday, she had never revealed it. You had no idea whether it was because she didn’t know or because she didn’t want you all to know.

But for whatever the reason, you had made up your to celebrate her birthday.

Everybody should celebrate their birthday. It’s the golden rule of life.

So you threw one all on your own on Winter Solstice, keeping it a secret from every Avenger knowing that their tongues were looser than the screws in their brain.

And from the happiness radiating out of everybody, you were kinda glad.

“Again, how did it go from ‘I don’t trust you’ to this in two months? Not that I’m complaining,” you quickly say, looking at him from your periphery. His eyes are still on the others, a lightness in them as he watches everybody laugh.

“I know that you are the one who did this.” Your eyes widen just a little at that. You didn’t think anybody noticed that.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you say, gulping slightly. You didn’t understand why Bucky knowing you were responsible for this party was mildly alarming.

“Please,” he snorts and turns to look at you. You do the same. You now have a full view of those jaws you always admired from a distance. “Disappearing for hours at off times, lying about where you have been, forgetting the sweet shop card on the table. Do you want any further evidence?”

You narrow your eyes at him. “Why would you think that I was lying about where I was going?”

“Doll, your heart goes all haywire and your heartbeat just doubles all the way up when you bluff. I can hear it from ten feet across the room.”

Flushed, you grip the edge of the counter you are leaning against. You refuse to give up.

“What if I lied because I was involved in some illicit, forbidden affair with some criminal whom I found absolutely enticing?”

The smirk spreading across his face was so shocking that you almost lose your balance. He leans forward until your breaths are almost mingling. His dark hair which had escaped from the small bun at the base of his neck frames his face almost beautifully, his enchanting blue eyes holding your gaze.

For the first time, you let yourself wholeheartedly acknowledge that he is indeed a beautiful man.

“Did you lie because you were involved in some illicit, forbidden affair with some criminal whom you found absolutely enticing?”

You cannot lie to him. Not now.

You gulp.

“No.”

His smirk turns into a wide grin and he backs away, leaving you shaky all over.

“Thought so. Now come on, we have a party to enjoy.”

You stare at his retreating back and curse him for making you feel this way.

Asshole.

It is from that day forward that conversations begin to occur between the two of you.

It starts off with simple things like greeting, then asking for small things across the counter, then you are discussing the latest releases and before you know it, you find yourself next to Bucky, lying on your back, staring at the night sky, tracing constellations.

“You know, you are basically looking at the future when you look at the skies?” you say. This moment, the very second, is beautiful and the most peaceful you have ever felt in your life.

“Yeah?” His hoarse voice is a melody in your ears, him next to you, a sight to behold.

“Uh huh. The light takes millions of years to reach from the stars. So essentially, you are looking at the way the star looked all those years ago. You don’t know it’s present or it’s future.”

You don’t feel silly for rambling. Bucky is one of the only people who doesn’t make you feel silly when you rant.

“Why do you know all that?”

“I wanted to be an astrophysicist,” You admit sheepishly. You don’t look at him when you say this.

It’s quiet for a few minutes. You don’t mind this kind of silence.

“You’d have made a great astrophysicist.”

Sometimes those words are all it takes.

You squeeze his metal hand and let your hand longer in his, fingers entwined.

He doesn’t let go either.

“Sometimes I feel that way too. Like I don’t know my present or my future.”

It’s your turn now.

“We’ll figure it out together.”

In the end, that’s all Bucky wants. You next to him, forever in the present and forever in the future.

——————————————————--

iii.

“Go on a date with me.”

Bucky Barnes doesn’t ask, he demands.

Your eyes widen and you turn from the comfortable spot you have occupied on the couch. The entire home theatre is dark except for the glow from the TV which makes all the hard angles on Bucky’s face appear almost sinful.

You are oh so ready to sin.

But his words catch you off-guard.

“What?” You sputter.

He shrugs and refuses to look at you. But the clench in his jaws and the slight bobbing of his Adam’s Apple gives away that maybe, maybe, he is nervous too.

“You heard me,” he rasps out.

“Buck, people usually ask others on a date, not demand,” you manage to say without your voice cracking although, deep down, your heart flutters uncontrollably and your gut is absolutely clenching.

It’s been six months since Nat’s birthday party and you can honestly say your relationship with him has improved a whole lot if both of you watching Mission Impossible together was any testament to it. The popcorn tub shared between you two and the bowl of M&Ms almost makes it feel like it is two people on a date.

“I thought this itself was a date,” you continue softly when he says nothing.

“With a bunch of baboons right outside the door?” Buck snorts. “Doll, you have such terrible standards for a date.”

You feel a bit bold. “I thought the person mattered. Not where.”

The movie long forgotten buzzes behind like a faint background. It’s just the two of you at the moment. Nobody else.

Something shifts in Bucky’s entire demeanor and suddenly you’re scared that you have overstepped.

But the next thing you know, you feel a pair of velvet lips right against yours, stealing your breath away. You gasp loudly letting Bucky slip his tongue in.

Then it’s just heaven.

Moaning, you grip his arms and scoot over to straddle him, giving both of you more access. His flesh palm cups your face oh so tenderly while the metal one rests at the small of your back. Your own hands move from his arms to tangle in his soft hair. On instinct, you tug it hard.

The groan you receive is what sin sounds like.

Breaking away you gasp and rest your forehead against his, breathing heavily.

“Ask nicely and I might just say yes,” you say, trailing your finger down the hard lines of his face.

The smile he gives you is the sweetest.

The kiss he gives you is sweeter than the sweetest.

Every day for the next week, there is a small letter with a single lily waiting right outside your room. Each day is a different, lamest possible puns.

By the end of the week, all the letters have a special section in your memory box and each lily is added to your vase.

You have never felt as lovely.

Quite obviously, Bucky Barnes managed to score a date.

——————————————————

iv.

“Goodness, I love you.”

Bucky grins after saying so, playing with your hair, twisting and twirling them.

The words catch you off guard. What’s more surprising is the way he tells it. Almost like it’s just a fact. A simple statement. A universal truth.

Like he doesn’t know what those words do to you.

You’re almost afraid that it isn’t true. So you just lean up from your pillow- his thighs- and kiss him, the wind blowing around you, carrying the fresh fragrance of flowers scattered across the garden.

You love it and you hate it.

The next time he says it is a few days later, moments after he comes inside you.

Both of you are gasping for breath, moaning and sticky with sweet and other bodily fluids. His mouth leaves kisses after kisses all over your neck, turning you absolutely crazy with need.

This time, you are scared that it’s just in the heat of the moment, the post-coital hormonal bliss drawing words from him he doesn’t mean.

You are terrified of such a thing happening.

So you just kiss the scars on his shoulder and shed few tears against his neck. He doesn’t react much to it other than tightening his grip around you. Crying sometimes after a particularly intimate love-making is normal for you since sometimes your heart cannot just handle the amount of love it holds for this man.

After initial times of panicking, he has gotten used to it and just comforts with sweet, sweet words.

You never want to let go.

“You’re never gonna feel that way?”

Another month and after another mind-blowing sex, both of you are lying side-by-side. Bucky is tracing his finger lightly down your bare back making you shiver.

“What?” you mumble, turning to look at him.

He tries to appear nonchalant, but you are now a master at reading him. Too much blinking means lying, clenching of jaw is fear and nervousness, playing with hair is anxiety, tugging on them is frustration, and your favorite, glaring at you when you tease him mercilessly, acting oh so coy.

Those days turn into some of the best nights.

“Love. Do you love me?”

His eyes now hold a bit of the vulnerability you sometimes ache to see. Not because you want him to suffer, but because sometimes you wish to know whether he trusts you and loves you as much as you do.

“Of course I love you, Buck,” You say, mind-clearing immediately, your hand immediately reaching out to him. You grab the metal one for a squeeze. You are terrified of admitting it, but the hopeful and vulnerable look on his face shatters everything within you.

He squeezes back.

“You never said it back.” It’s not an accusation, merely a statement. An observation.

It breaks your heart further.

So you admit.

“I was afraid you didn’t mean it,” you say in a quiet voice. “That you weren’t sure, or you would regret or take it back later.”

In one fluid motion, he is right on top of you, his arms on either side of your face, serene blue eyes looking at you, and only you, like they had finally found that lost treasure they had been searching for forever.

“My life until you had been filled with lies and uncertainty. There were just dark days and now and future dark days. If there has ever been anything that I’m sure of with my every being, It’s you.” He gives you a small peck. “You are my everything. My love, my sun, my moon, my stars, my everything. There’s nothing before or after you. Absolutely nothing.”

You stare at him with watery eyes and let out a strangled sob and clutch him tightly, bringing all the two-hundred-something -pounds of body right on top of you. But you don’t mind the weight. It feels like an anchor rather, stopping your mind from drifting away to far places of despair and never returning.

“I love you, Buck. So much that I never know how to say them.”

His smile against your neck is an answer enough.

——————————————————

“I trust you with my everything.”

It’s a particularly bad nightmare, startling him awake, scratching his throat and murderous eyes looking unfocused.

You come in rushing from your room next door at the sound of shouts which are filled with despair. When Bucky sleeps next to you, which happens for most days, he never has a nightmare. But today was your first day of the monthly cycle and you never are really comfortable sleeping next to anybody during this time.

Damn the days.

“Bucky, buck, please. Look at me. Please,” you cry out as you leap on to the bed, desperate to end this suffering for him. If there is anything that will just transfer all his pain to you, you will do so happily knowing that he’ll never suffer again.

For a startling second, the same murderous pair of blue eyes fall on you before softening and then immediately turning into that of horror.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobs, looking at you with fear. Not because of you, but for you. From himself.

“Buck, shhh. It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay.” You slowly approach him, your palms gently lifted towards his face. Immediately, he leans forward closing his eyes, rubbing his face against your palm. Wet tears hit your skin and you can feel your heart tear apart at that.

You move in closer, and massage his head, trying to calm him down as much as possible. He lets out soft sighs and groans which encourages you to continue, your fingers increasing the pressure where required.

“Go to sleep Bucky, I’ll be right here,” you urge softly.

“I can’t,” he shakes his head, beautiful eyes holding pain beyond comprehension. “Those nightmares will ruin me.”

“Not with me here. I’ll stay right next to you. Do you trust me to do that?”

“I trust you with my everything,” he quietly replies. It warms your heart and you hug him tight.

“I’ll always be next to you. Always.”

It’s a promise and Bucky recognizes that. He hugs you back and rests his forehead against your shoulder, breathing becoming normal and slowly and wonderfully, he falls asleep. Just like that.

AND THAT’S A WRAP OKAY THANK YOU.

#bucky barnes #bucky #bucky fanfic #bucky x reader #bucky barns x reader #winter soldier #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #james buchanan barnes #fluff #love #enemies to lovers #friendship #fem!reader #trust #soft!bucky #marvel #marvel fanfic #fanfiction

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ask-mortarion-the-death-lord · 4 years ago

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Some other interesting things to note in the old rogue trader 1st edition 40k book

The book itself has a fascinating structure to it because its actually frontloaded with the game rules, equipment and the like first [including a mutants table] and backloaded with the 40k setting details. Partly because unlike the modern 40k which is about playing games within the setting, the old rules seem more so geared towards creating rules to play a game of your choice. That is, well im not sure how well it would actually work the book does seem to encourage you to make shit up or even use a completely different setting like star wars instead.

some space marine chapter symbols on one of the opening pages. you can see chapter symbols for 7 of the modern big 9 of the loyalist chapters [blood angels, imperial fists, iron hands, space wolves, ultramarines, white scars] but they seem to be placed alongside the blood drinkers, flesh eaters, flesh tearers, and the... i think the rainbow warriors and silver skulls chapter symbols as well. Best guess is that they were originally suppose to be a lot more important then they ended up being. Also interesting to note but of the 7 of the big 9 here, only the iron hands symbol seems to get any major modification later on [if it is the iron hands anyways]. the early dark angels symbol has a thin in the middle fat on the end shaped sword in early versions and the space wolves symbol gets more bestial in modern versions, but the iron hands logo in modern 40k is flipped with pointier finger tips compared to here.

an interesting note here, since the modern 40k setting has a tendency to make the imperium seem and feel so monolithic and all encompassing on the galactic stage. Here its more so emphasized that even with the imperium being fairly large its only a blip in terms of the actual galactic scale of things. Something i wish was more carried through into modern 40k.

a little blurb on how warp space/travel worked in 1st edition. You could arguably still apply this to modern 40k too, that in terms of practical application its like using river systems to travel rather then going by sea

the section on warp drives and how they work, im not sure how accurate or effecctive 1-4 light years per jump is but it is the most detailed explanation ive seen as to how it actually works [as opposed to warp travel being random as fuck]. i also rather like the explanation as to why you can’t exit out of warp space right next to suns [and likely planets as well though thats conjuncture on my part] as youll just fuck up your ship if you do. On a side note, it says navigational drive instead of machine spirit/servitor or the like here cause 1st edition 40k imperium utilized robots instead [im guessing the men of iron and their rebellion wasn’t a thing yet].

Warp gates were also a thing and seemed to be implied as a common method of warp travel, and likely the main method of going long distance in a practical length of time.

they were aliens alll alonnnng! kidding aside, i like the idea that the dangers of the warp was more so psychic predatory alien species just chillin there rather then it just being a one to one copy of fantasy battles chaos gods. gives the setting a more unique flavour ya know.

some early info on warp storms with a 10% stastic of all solar systems cut off by warp storms to highlight the frequency of them.

early navigator info, seems their appearance was a lot less strictly defined and the third eye doesnt seem to be a thing yet. some info that explains why their so useful as well to keeping the imperium together despite it being “so thinly spread” compared to other space empires.

early figures on the astronomicans range. it not covering the eastern fringe at all i find fairly interesting cause ultramar in modern 40k is positioned firmly in the eastern fringe of the galaxy.

for reference, heres what i assume is a map showing the effective range of the astronomican

nothing particularly notable outside of the weird implication that the emperor was far less of a vegtable here then he is now.

seems the imperium was far less monotheistic then as it is in modern 40k. Makes me wonder what other gods an imperial pantheon might have.

1st edition emperor was far less of a punk then modern emperor it seems, since it doesnt look like he needed 1000 psykers a day just to keep him goin. 1st edition emperor kept himself alive through sheer force of will. Also the ecchlisiarch didn’t exist back then and instead seemed to function in place of what the high lords do now. Though arguably a lot more effectively since they also seem to cover the ecchlisiarchs duties as well.

the direct subdivisions of the adeptus terra, which in this context gives a much more religious connotations to their jobs. Early custodes were just warrior priests i guess? and the arbites were priest judges? maintaining the astronomica also seems to have originally been a more voluntary effort then the other 1000 psykers sacrificed a day to keep the thing running it is in modern 40k.

the administratum also falls under the direct control of the adeptus terra.

the inquisition is basically the same then as it is now though it seems master of the inquisiton used to be a much more desirable job then it is now.

imperial governers were also basically the same despite in 1st edition being appointed by a religious priesthood administratum.

the adeptus astartes originally called legiones astartes cause space rome. Note the effective origin of the continuing space marine problem of scale of numbers cause this effectively means that in 1st edition 40k there are only one million marines in total spread out across the entire imperium. Though the imperium is also implied to be smaller then it is in modern 40k that still seems... insufficient for fighting across an entire galaxy. Also chapter masters were commanders back in the day and like governors not strictly speaking religious just taking orders from the priesthood.

even back then these guys got no respect. Though from the sounds of it the imperial army was closer to the pdf back then well the imperial fleet and space marines were more so responsible for the conquering.

we need more rogue traders with space marine squads under their command in modern 40k, cause that sounds a lot more interesting then deathwatch.

the officio assassinorum was a lot smaller back in the day that they didnt even deserve a proper mention it seems.

some classic imperial infighting here, with people willing to kill each other over grain quotas. Which sounds like a hell of a basis to make a scenario around let me tell you

civilized worlds, aka hive worlds light/modern earth transplantations are the most common planet type here. I do like the note however of imperial citizens being the usual imperial citizens.

feral worlds are basically the same though i find the early setting pieces on the legion astartes and the imperial commanders fascinating for all the implications it provides.

some hive world stuff, most notable is the implication of routine purges to maintain manageable population levels. Which is something you dont surprisingly see very often in modern 40k [usually its just rebellions that have to be put down that call for ‘purges’] and also implies that despite the misery of living in overcrowded hive cities people are still banging like crazy.

as i said, robots were much more of a thing for the imperium then as opposed to now.

apparently grabbing medieval peasants, stuffing them in space suits and telling them to go murder jibbering orks with hand cannons was considered a worse idea then grabbing a caveman to do the same thing? Guess you could consider a medieval world a developmental stage before reaching civilized status.

paradise worlds were space marines do tai chi and yoga i guess and research stations, aka what can we exploit out of this planet.

cappin it there for now, let me know if ya wanna see some more stuff from this fascinating book.

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hazelhymns · 4 years ago

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Hi i’ve followed you for a while and you’ve made a few posts about your career. I have no idea what to do with my life but I’m really interested in what you do. Could you explain it more? I’m kinda uncomfortable coming off of anon but if you want i can message you. Thank you!!

omg this is so cool! This is gonna be a long post so bear with me. First off let’s start with education.

Education: Not sure how it is for all states but here in NY you need to get in to an accredited surgical tech program. It’s a 2 year degree but I believe you can go for 4 years. If you do the bachelors degree there’s more room for moving up, like going back to PA school or becoming a surgical first assist. You’ll have to take classes like anatomy, microbiology, ethics, pharmacology, and the basics your college will require. I went to community college and it was an amazing program. During your schooling you’ll be going to clinical, where you go to hospitals and scrub into surgeries with a supervising surgical tech scrubbed with you. My clinical was Thursday and Friday 7am-3pm. It’s a tough program, I won’t sugarcoat it. College kicked my ass. Also be warned, there really isn’t much room to move up as a tech, you’re pretty much stuck with scrubbing unless you go back to school. Whereas if you get your RN you can do a whole lot more. Majority of surgical techs go back to become a nurse. After you graduate you have to sit down for your CST exam which is 175 questions and you need a 102 to pass. From there on, you need to do what’s called CEUs (continuing education credits). These are provided by the AST (association of surgical techs) they have some free ones but majority of credits will have to be paid for. These are gained by going to conferences and doing exams on the AST website. You have to earn 60 CEUs every 4 years but i believe they’re changing that to something that you have to do it every 2 years. If you don’t want to do this, you’ll have to retake the CST exam every 2 years and the exam is $250 each time, and there’s no guarantee you’ll pass. When you get a job you’ll be on orientation for 3-6 months and then you’ll be a full grown surgical tech

Pay: it depends on your state but the average for surgical techs in NY is $26-$28 an hour. NY is one of the highest paid states for techs. You are the least educated and lowest paid person in the OR. You can go on the AST website and they have a map of wages for every state.

Duties: oh boy, this is gonna be long LOL. Your main job and main focus is maintaining the sterile field during surgery. I think it’ll be easier to just explain a day in the life. Before my first case of the day I like to see which OR I’ve been assigned to. That will be your room for the entire day but it will be different doctors and different surgeries throughout your shift. From there, I go to what’s called a “case cart” that is made in sterile processing. There is a cart for each surgery scheduled for the day with the patients name and the surgeons preference card. The preference card is extremely important. This card will tell you what supplies you need to have in the OR that the surgeon wants so it’s important to check the cart before the procedure begins. Then I head to the OR and make sure all of the supplies are in there (for example sometimes there isn’t an OR bed in there or enough IV poles so you have to stay on top of it.) Before the surgery starts, it’s your job and the nurses job to get the room ready. First, you’ll drape what’s called a back table. This is your main table where all of the sterile supplies will be. Once the drape is on, it’s sterile and you can’t touch it until you are sterile. You have to scrub into surgery (3-5 minute timed scrub followed by gowning and gloving yourself). While you’re scrubbing your nurse will be opening sterile supplies onto the back table. Once you’re scrubbed and the nurse ties up your gown, you go to your back table and begin organizing. You open your blades, your basins, sponges, and most importantly your instrument trays. Instrument trays are put together by sterile processing based on various procedures. It’s your job to know what instruments your doctor will want to use. Your main instruments go onto whats called a mayo stand (another thing you need to drape and keep sterile it’s a small table that you wheel over and prop over the patient during surgery). The mayo stand is your god, your temple. You organize it however you need it to be. Be warned, surgeons don’t care about how neat you keep it so you will be constantly reorganizing the instruments since they just throw it back on the mayo haphazardly. SUPER IMPORTANT: you and the RN have to perform the surgical count. This is where we count every blade, every sponge, every instrument, and anything else that can get lost in the body. You count before surgery, you count before closing the body, and you count one more time before the patient is out of the room. You can count as many times as you want but you gotta at least do 3 counts. It’s tedious and my least favorite part of the job. Once the patient is in the room, you gown and glove the surgeons. You assist in draping the patient (which is super hard until you get used to it) and then you throw off your cords. The cords are for what’s called a bovie (every surgeon uses it), and your suction tubing. Some surgeries require power drills and other wires so you have to keep all of it organized. During the surgery, you stand right next to the doctor. They’ll ask for an instrument, and you hand it to them. In school you’ll learn as many instruments you can (i think i’ve learned up to 600 instruments by now) and the proper passing techniques. The surgeon cannot do his job if you aren’t doing yours. Below i’ve added pictures of a back table and a mayo stand for an ankle replacement that I set up, with labels!

Warnings: This is a thankless job. Nobody knows we exist in the outside world. You’ll be on your feet your entire shift. You need to be strong, in order to hold heavy things like amputated limbs, retractors, and fun stuff like that. You will see people die, and you will save people’s lives. Blood is unpredictable, it can go anywhere so don’t wear shoes you like, and wear eye protection. Doctors are stressed and tense, they will yell at you. Majority of surgeons are men, so it can be an aggressive environment. Surgical techs will yell at you. Nurses will yell at you. The OR has a mentality of “eat the young” and they will, but it’ll make you a better and stronger tech. Surgeries move fast, you need to be paying attention the entire time. A lot of instruments look the same, it will take time to be able to differentiate them. We don’t get paid what we are deserved and our union reps are pretty useless. If you work at a hospital, you will have to take call, and overtime. Majority of the time though, it’s an 8 hour shift, 5 days a week or 10 hour shifts 4 days a week. Majority of surgeons like to listen to music while operating and it’s mainly cool dad bbq music. The smell of burning flesh takes a long time to get used to, but you have to get used to it. You’re exposed to a lot of carcinogens.

Pros: this is an amazing job despite the adversities. You get to see AMAZING things. I’ve seen babies born, i’ve watched organ transplants, gunshot wounds, stabbings, broken bones, one time we opened someone’s face and took out all of their sinuses and their entire eyeball so their face was just a giant hole and i had a rare glimpse into anatomy ive never seen outside of a textbook. If that’s your thing like it is mine, this job is good for you. Everything is clean and neat and organized which is my favorite part of the job. You work very closely with other people so you guys will bond and become a family. You become friends with doctors so you can ask for free medical advice LOL. This career is so rewarding and i find myself choosing it over and over and over again.

#long post #surgical technologist #personal #career #anon #tw: blood #tw: medical #surgical tech

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floatingpetals · 5 years ago

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Call Of The Mountains || Ch. 4

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes (Werewolf AU!)

Warnings: Nothin, a little bit of language

Word Count: 3300+

Summary: (Werewolf-AU!Stucky x f!reader) Life had begun to overwhelm her. Work was insane and her life was a mess. There was a tug in her soul that called her to take this trip, deep into the forest away, where there was the peace and stillness of nature. She didn’t know why, but she knew she needed to listen. It was meant to be a relaxing trip, but one misstep on some moss sent her tumbling into the rapids of the flooded river. She thought she was gone and the earth decided it was time to reclaim her. She didn’t expect was to be pulled from the river nor the creature that saved her. Her entire world is turned upside down and all it took was an accidental step to the left. (18+ Only Story)

A/N: Fuckin’ FINALLY. I had this done for a while but an idea popped up in my head that I had to go and rewrite b/c it flowed better. It took a while to get to this point, and while it’s a little dry(sorry ya’ll) I needed to build it like this. I hope you all enjoy and thank you for being so patient! Let me know what you think!! Enjoyy! ❤

The gifs are not mine, credit to the owner.

Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Series Masterlist

Y/N woke up in pain. It’s probably because I had to throw up the water in my lungs, she thought bitterly. It was an awful pain that she never wanted to relieve again. The next pain that ranked up there in the worst pain she’s known was the thrumming in her head and the excruciating pain in her wrist.

She groaned, her uninjured hand reaching up to feel the back of her head. She winced at the tender flesh and could feel her pulse through the spot on her head. Strangely she felt little plastic like strings- stitches she realized. That couldn’t be right.

That dawned on her that she was laying on something too soft to be the grass in someplace too quiet to be beside the river. A flash of black and vivid gray shot across her memory, the shape fuzzy and strange.

Blearily, Y/N opened her eyes. She was alarmed, but also incredibly confused that she was sitting in what looked like a doctor’s office. The walls were bare apart from a beautiful portrait of a mountain in a dark frame. Pulling her gaze from the picture, she looked around the room to take the unassuming room in. The door clicked open and a woman with blazing red hair stepped in.

She glanced up from the clipboard in her hand, rooted in spot when she saw Y/N awake and alert. A look of relief washed over her face and the woman went to shout down the hall.

“She’s up!”

Y/N frowned, her heart rate picking up as the panic began to settle in. She had no idea who this woman was or even where she was for that matter. Nope, not good. Her eyes darted to the window and back to the door before she looked back at the woman.

“Oh, hey. No, it’s okay. I’m a friend I swear.” The woman soothed and grabbed the little stool on wheels next to a set of cabinets. She rolled it up next to the bed, her eyes soft but wary. “My name’s Natasha. You’re in our medical cabin where you were brought after you were pulled out of the river. You were in pretty rough shape. You had a gash on your forehead that needed to be stitched up and your wrist has a pretty bad fracture.” Natasha explained. Slowly, she reached out to Y/N, ready to pull back in case the young woman panicked further. “I’m going to help you sit up, okay?”

Y/N nodded, thankful for some help while her body trembled from the shock of it all. Careful of her wrist, Natasha helped her leaned her back against the wall and swung her legs out in front of her. As she did that, a man with a white coat walked in. He greeted Y/N warmly with a smile before he went to the sink to wash his hands.

“Good to see you up.” He said. “We were getting worried for a second there.”

He grabbed a pen from his coat pocket, a little flashlight she realized when he clicked one end, and stepped up in front of her. He instructed her to look at the light to check her pupil's dilations. Once satisfied, he turned and carefully took the IV drip from her arm and bandaged it up before she had time to blink.

“I’m Dr. Banner, but you can call me Bruce.” He grinned. “What should we call you?”

“Y/N,” She replied softly. She winced at the burn in her throat. Bruce noticed and motioned for Natasha to get her a cup of water.

“And what year is it?”

“2019?”

“Correct. Well Y/N I wish we could have met under better circumstances. But I’m happy to report that you’ve lucked out and don’t have a very serious concussion. You’ll probably be good here in a few days, but I still want to check in on your progress from time to time.”

“O-okay?” Y/N said uncertainly. She took a sip from the cup Natasha handed her, still utterly confused. “Um… Where am I exactly?”

“Oh! You’re in Blackhollow, just a little way north of the reserve. We’re the closest place that has the facilities to handle your situation, so you were brought here.” He responded from the clipboard Natasha walked in with. Y/N’s face scrunched in confusion, both with who could have brought her here and where Blackhollow was.

She had gone over the map of the area countless times until she was certain she had it memorized. Absolutely nowhere was there a place called Blackhollow. Especially not north of the reserve. That she knew for a fact was all protect lands and there shouldn’t be places like this around the area. No one was allowed to break the land and build something here. Biting her tongue, Y/N watched the two warily, sipping on the water to hide her nerves.

“I’m sure you're curious about the state of your wrist right now,” Bruce began, setting the clipboard down. “Natasha can you go grab some pain meds for her while I do that? Oh, and let Bucky know our patients awake.”

“Sure thing.” Natasha was already up and out of the door faster than Y/N had time to process.

“Wait, who’s Bucky?” She asked Bruce, who was now pulling out a set of x-rays from a folder. It caused her to pause, wondering when the heck they did those on her. “And how long was I out?”

“Bucky was the man who found you and pulled you out of the river,” Bruce explained and slid the x-rays on the lightbox. “And you’ve only been out for a few hours. We were about to have to get you in a car and take you to a nearby hospital to get you checked out if you didn’t wake up sooner. Fortunately, that didn’t need to happen.”

“Oh,” Y/N murmured and eyed the x-rays. “H-how did Bucky find me?”

Bruce shrugged, seemingly unbothered by that lack of information.

“He never said. Just that he pulled you out and brought you here. Although I am curious, how did you managed to fall the river?”

Y/N felt her face grow hot from embarrassment. She might be fuzzy on certain details afterward, but she definitely remembered that. Positively humiliated, she mumbled her story of how she was dive-bombed by two stupid birds and practically threw herself into the river to not lose an eyeball. Bruce at least tried to hide his grin by turning back to the x-ray.

“Well I’m sorry that happened but I’m glad you’re okay.” He said sincerely over his shoulder. “Let me go over your x-ray and then maybe Natasha will be back with some pain meds by now. I didn’t want to give you anything in case you were allergic.”

Y/N nodded and slowly stood, mindful of her wrist as she pushed off the bed. Bruce kept a careful eye on her, watching for any signs she might have a dizzy spell from standing. Her head hurt, well more like throbbed because of the concussion, but she didn’t want to throw up because of the spinning room. Confident enough in herself, Y/N walked over to stand beside Bruce and the x-rays.

He carefully explained the fracture and what might happen if she were to take the splint off. Not terribly keen on getting surgery, Y/N knew she’d be in some pain for some time until it healed. It also meant she’d have to explain to her mother why she got hurt and she already knew she was never going to hear the end of it. Y/N cringed and glanced at her wrist.

“Don’t worry too much about it. Accidents happen. I’m just glad Bucky pulled you out when he did.” Bruce tried to reassure her, somehow knowing she was starting to dread the future repercussions of her accident.

He was partly right. It was an accident, but she also kind of asked for it by standing too close to the edge. She stared guiltily at the wall, her shoulders dropping.

Bruce frowned and clicked the lightbox off. Before he could say anything else, there was a gentle knock at the door. Natasha opened the door and stepped in, a bottle of water in one hand and a cup with a few pills in the other.

“Take these, they’ll help your head and your wrist. I’ll make sure you have some for later.” Natasha instructed and passed her the little cup. “You can’t take any for another 8 hours and you shouldn’t drink anything while on them. And driving is out of the questions as well, at least until we know how you handle the medicine.”

Nodding mutely, Y/N took the pills, ready for her wrist to finally stop throbbing.

“I’ve gone ahead and sent Bucky to the main house. He’s going to get you some food started, we figured you haven’t eaten in a while.” Natasha said over her shoulder as she began to set out disinfectant wipes for the exam table. She wasn’t going to mention the reason why she sent him over was to cool down from his talk with Steve. Y/N didn’t need to meet that side of him, especially not for the first time. “I’ll walk you over and introduce you. He’s pretty anxious to know how you're doing.”

“O-oh, okay.” Y/N blinked. Natasha grinned and motioned her to follow. Y/N turned to Bruce, who had taken up the cleaning duty and waved goodbye. “Thank you, for everything. I’ll probably see you later?”

“Yes. I’ll check in on you in a little while to see how your feeling. Goodbye, Y/N.” Bruce chuckled and waved her off with a happy grin.

Natasha led her out of the medical cabin through a side door and down a dirt road. Y/N took a quick glance around the area, surprised at how seamlessly the cabin seemed to blend in with the forest. She picked up her pace, not wanting to be left behind in a strange place.

“So how long has this been here?” Y/N asked curiously.

“That’s a bit of a newer addition, maybe two years?” Natasha replied. “We don’t usually need it all that often, but on occasion, someone breaks an arm or something and we got tired having to drive an hour towards the nearest hospital.”

“Oh,” Y/N muttered lamely. “And there’s a main house?”

“Yes, it was the first house built here in the area and slowly as others came to settle here, more homes were built. The main house is used as kind of the common area, or any time we need to have meetings we all meet up there.”

“So like a city hall?”

“Kind of,” Natasha shrugged, “We don’t really consider this a city, hell it’s not even much of a town. But yeah, it kind of works that way.”

“So,” Y/N frowned, still a little confused. “Is-… Would you consider this more of a settlement?”

Natasha looked over her shoulder to Y/N, her brow raised. A guarded expression flashed across her face and for a second Y/N thought she’d tell her to mind her business. Natasha, however, let out a heavy sigh and turned back to face the road.

“In a way, I suppose.”

Y/N fell silent, not entirely certain what else to say. She didn’t want to step on Natasha’s toes any more than she was already had. Clearly, the topic of whatever Blackhollow was, was a touchy subject. She still had several questions, but Y/N thought it might be a good idea to wait and ask someone else.

The road wound through the trees, finally connecting with another road to a form a ‘t’. The left went around a sharp curve while the right went straight and disappeared through the trees. Natasha stopped short, and Y/N nearly slammed into the back of her. She stumbled and let out a surprised squeak.

“Sorry,” Natasha said and turned to face Y/N. “Before we go any further though, I need to explain a few things to you.”

“O-kay?” Y/N replied uncertainly, her eyes darting around the unassuming-looking road. Natasha took in a heavy breath before speaking.

“Blackhollow isn’t a town like you’re used to. We like to keep to ourselves, it’s one of the reasons why we’re where we are.” Natasha began seriously. “A lot of the people here won’t take kindly to you being here and might try to scare you off. If you feel like you’re being threatened, you probably are.”

“What-?” Y/N’s eyebrows shot up and her eyes went wide, but Natasha kept going.

“I’m not saying this to freak you out, but you need to understand. We’re a different breed out here. A little bit more dangerous and rougher around the edges. We like our privacy and do things a certain way.” Natasha continued with her face blank. Y/N was at a loss for words, completely thrown for a loop.

Now she was nervous, not like she wasn’t before, but now it was tenfold. Her instincts were screaming at her to make a break for it, to run somewhere else other than were ever Natasha was leading her. Of course, there was the problem that Y/N had no idea where she was, and all the trees looked the same so the possibility of her running in circles was fairly high.

“Ordinarily I’d say, ‘so long as you follow the rules, the others shouldn’t bother you’,” Natasha looked Y/N up and down, tilting her head to the side as she contemplated something. “But, something’s different about you. Don’t know what, don’t really care. All I know is if someone tries to chest up you, you better stand your ground.”

“’C-chest up’ me?” Y/N gaped. Natasha chuckled again and turned to take the left route and began to head down the road. Not really wanting to be left alone in the woods as the sun was beginning to set, Y/N reluctantly followed.

“Yep, kind of phrase we use around here. Pretty much it’s when someone gets in your face and tries to puff out their chest.” Natasha explained, showing her what she meant by pulling back her shoulders and jutting her chin out. “A lot of the time it’s to see if the other persons willing to get in a fight or not. More often than not its all for show.”

Y/N squinted at Natasha in disbelief. No way this could be real. I mean, do people really act like this around here? She thought to herself. But Natasha hadn’t done anything to make Y/N question her yet.

Natasha sent Y/N one more wide grin before she turned a sharp curve. Y/N sighed and glanced around the trees for a moment before turning back to where Natasha went. However, when she turned the same curve in the road, Natasha was gone and something else that lay in front of her that caught her off guard.

There was a giant clearing where the road suddenly faded off, huge and very out of place for the middle of the forest. It was nothing but a giant open field up against the mountain with the occasional trees scattered in the area. She could see the sky above, the fading light shining on the peculiar empty field.

She was also surprised to see how close they were to the mountain. It helped that she spent time learning the map before coming and now she had a better idea of where she was. She was miles from the campsite if she guessed right. Worse still, there was no sign of Natasha.

Her heart stopped. Y/N’s steps falter as her eyes darted around the clearing. A prickling feeling began growing in the back of her head. Everything nerve in her body was screaming at her to turn away, to run and not look back. It was suffocating, making it harder to breathe. It was clawing at her throat, trying to get out in a scream. She hesitated in her next step, finding it harder and harder to ignore the overwhelming sense of fear. The noise in her head grew louder and louder, sweat starting to bead across her forehead. She didn’t want to keep going, but she also needed to find Natasha.

Taking in a deep breath, Y/N tried to shove aside the terror inside her and took two steps forward. The voice was at its crescendo, making her knees grow week and her head pulsed in pain. The hair on her neck stood on its end, once again Y/N questioned her sanity. But something else was telling her to do this. She was stronger than whatever this was. Blindly following the little voice that tried to soothe her through the screams of fright, Y/N willed herself to take one more step with her eyes clenched shut. The relief was instantaneous. It was like the bubble burst and the scream ceased to exist. Cracking an eye open, Y/N gasped.

Natasha stood right in front of her, a proud smile on her face. If her sudden appearance wasn’t surprising enough, it’s what was behind the woman that was the icing to the cake.

In what used to be the wide clearing were several quaint little homes, all set up along the road that mysteriously appeared under her feet. It winded along, and up the mountain, disappearing further from sight. She could see more houses up the mountain as well, speckled in the densely wooded forest. Her mouth fell open in shock, her brain reeling to find an explanation.

“I-I-Wh-. But this-. Wait-.” Y/N stammered, unable to form any coherent words. Natasha laughed, light and airy despite the situation. It was enough to bring Y/N back with a snap. “What the actual fuck?!”

“There’s a lot I can’t explain. Not yet.” Natasha beamed and walked to Y/N side. She loped her arm through Y/N’s and started to walk towards the biggest house in the middle, practically dragging the stunned woman with. It must have been the main house, from its placement and all. What was even more peculiar was the strange wooden people that stood directly in front of it. “But you’re not crazy. If that helps.”

“I don’t think that will.” Y/N uttered, unable to stop from looking around. There were a few people standing around, in what she thought might be the front of their homes. They stared, some with confusion on their faces while others seemed passive. No one dared to step closer and greet the newcomer though, which did little to ease Y/N’s nerves. “What the actual fuck?”

Natasha snorted, finding the entire thing rather comical. Y/N shot her a glare.

“It’s not funny. What the fuck was that?”

“Wow, you’re pretty colorful when you’re in shock huh?” Natasha giggled. She went to walk around the pole, but Y/N stopped short.

Now that she was closer, Y/N realized it wasn’t just a wooden pillar in the ground. Towering high above was an intricately decorated totem pole, the paint, and carvings still distinct despite being in the open. In fact, it looked almost untouched by the test of time. She couldn’t tell if there was a story, but she recognized a bird, a wolf, and a bear among some of the animals. It seemed to hum with an energy Y/N couldn’t place, almost as if it was calling her to step closer.

“That’s been here since before I could remember,” Natasha said. Y/N blinked, the sudden interruption tearing her from the haze.

“O-oh.” Y/N cleared her throat and took a step back. If Natasha noticed the strange shift in Y/N, she didn’t comment. She ushered Y/N towards the step of the house by taking her arm back in hers. Y/N’s head swiveled around to stare back at the totem pole, thoroughly puzzled by the feeling she was getting from it. She eyed the strange markings on the back and had to do a double-take. It looked as if the marking began to glow and pulse, the grass bending with the ripple.

Nope, she denied. It’s gotta be the conclusion. That why I’m seeing things. Yep, lets just call it that.

Y/N didn’t know how much more she could take of this strange venture and as she stepped into the house that wasn’t there five minutes ago, she wondered just how much more was going to get thrown her way.

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