#hate that i am now almost 4 years post graduation and have nothing to show for it

[sonicenvy]

gotta love that my immune system has thus far been awesome at keeping me from getting the virus™ but awful at keeping me from getting skin cancer. what gives body???? what gives???

i am (once again) cancer free as of this morning's fun (/s in case that wasn't abundantly clear) surgery, but still twice in six months??? there is obviously something fucked up about my skin. once again: hey body what the actual fuck??

[dudeuncle]

1. My mother makes me watch her take a bath every evening because she is afraid of falling (she is able bodied, this is not a real concern)

2. My mother does not let me go to my aunt’s house (even though I have a car) because she claims I do not love her any more. 

3. My mother considers my part time job “not a real job” even though it’s in the field I studied and even though the market is shitty and this is the only job available. 

4. My mother wants me to train her dog, and gets mad if she has to train it. 

5. My mother makes comments about how at her age she wore a size 00 (I am almost eight inches taller and a size 16) and how I should lose weight, and then always says it’s a reflection on herself and not me. 

6. My mother has raised my sister to yell at me the way she yells at me, and discourages any real relationship between the two of us. 

7. My mother takes my phone away when she gets mad at me by ripping it out of my hands. 

8. My mother has given me CPTSD yet pity posts on Facebook about how she suffers from the same ailment and is growing from it. 

9. My mother twists stories in her head until I look like the bad guy. My phone (a phone that is three years old and once was hers) is not working unless it’s on wifi and even after I showed it to her, she claimed that I was lying and just didn’t want to spend time with her. 

10. My mother claims I have bedbugs in my room because it is a mess. (It is a mess because she ripped the doors off my closet in a anger fueled rage and then told me it was my responsibility to fix them)

11. My mother only ever wants to talk about her workday, and when I try to talk about mine she gets angry. 

12. My mother claims everyone must walk on eggshells around me even though I sit quietly in my room and do nothing most of the time because she judges me if I go anywhere. 

13. My mother has admitted to trying to replace me with a student she favors because “I don’t love her anymore” 

14. My mother has made the holidays (once my favorite thing) unbearable as she spews all her anger on me.

15.  My mother has BPD and has pushed all her friends away and is now using those tactics on me. 

16. My mother claims that I no longer wish to hand out with her unless she is spending money on me even though I have been paying for my own incidental purchases for three years now. 

17. My mother gets mad at me for writing on my computer/phone/journals because she claims, “I was an English major and never get to write in my free time, so why should you?” 

18. My mother hijacked a trip my friends and I were taking into the city and came along with us, turning it into my “graduation present”. While I did have fun with her that day, I know I would have had fun with my friends too. 

19. My mother told me that my act of “teenage rebellion” was watching Doctor Who from the ages of 15-17 because she hated that show because her older brother watched it. I only watched it because I found it interesting, and now no longer tell her about anything I watch on television/movies.

20. In regards to that, my mother gets mad when I finally express my interests because she says that I do not share them with her ever. 

21. My mother assumes my father and I are “in love” and that I am his “second wife/real wife” because he is not paralyzed to talk to me and we have a good relationship .

22. In regards to that, my mother does not know that my father and I have been hanging out every Friday. 

23. My mother claims I am addicted to my phone because I use it to; stream tv, listen to music, listen to podcasts, read, write, work, answer emails, catch up with my friends, play games, and text even though she sits on her ass from 3pm to 11pm and watches the same four shows in reruns. 

24. My mother got mad at me when my phone bluetooth plays my text message sounds because I should know better. ( I do not control when people text me)

25. My mother claims that she would love me “if I was gay” while saying/acting homophobic. She does not know that I am in fact bisexual.

26. My mother gives my sister all the love she used to give me, and it pains me to see her act kindly towards her but nastily towards me. 

27. My mother is still the only person I feel like I can cry too, but even that is straining. 

[lacrimosathedark]

Hamilton Inaccuracies/Corrections (because why not?)

Okay so, I saw a post on reddit that was like, “what’s some inaccuracies in Hamilton off the top of your head?” and I got a whole bunch...and then I had to double check to make sure if I was right...and I’m pretty long-winded...and  now I have this 5,000ish word monstrosity. And apparently you can only post 1000 characters at a time on reddit. Laaaaame. So here’s some Hamilton facts I’ve gathered in my brain. Since it was kinda off the top of my head despite being so long, it’s kinda vague in some places, so if anyone wants to expand on anything (or correct me if I oopsed somewhere) please do! Though nicely please.

Also I am also awful at citing things, but I know I learned some of this from @john-laurens and @ciceroprofacto so thank you.

LET’S BEGIN!

Act 1

Rachel Faucette was not a prostitute, but she was a “whore” in the sense that she did what she fucking wanted with her body. During her first marriage she may or may not have been sleeping around, but she refused to stay with John Lavien, her husband, anymore. So he had her arrested. And he could do that. Because patriarchy and theocracy. And she was essentially put in solitary confinement. You can see why she tried to leave, right? She tried to get their marriage annulled or get a divorce. I forget what the issue was but she couldn’t and eventually she just moved to another island where she met James Hamilton.

The intro song makes it seem like Alexander was an only child. He actually had an older brother, James Jr., but he kinda fucked off after their mother died, working and taking care of himself. They also had an older half-brother Peter Lavien, but I don’t think they really knew him other than as the son of their mother’s abusive ex who took everything from them when she died. John Lavien was able to do that because when Rachel was with James Hamilton, she had not been able to get legally divorced from him so she wasn’t really married to James Hamilton, so James Jr. and Alexander were illegitimate ie bastards. He was an asshole. I don't think Peter had anything against the Hamiltons, but I think he grew up to be a Loyalist so. He actually made some trouble in South Carolina for Henry Laurens, John's dad! But I think I read somewhere he also left money for Alex and James Jr. In his will, which is sweet.

This is more visual since it’s not specified in the song, but in the show, Hamilton’s cousin mimes hanging himself. Peter Lytton’s cause of death if I recall was inconclusive, but he was in his bed and there was a lot of blood. So, yeah, he didn’t hang himself.

Alexander did not punch the bursar. However he did return to Princeton later during the war and blew a canon through the school and apparently decapitated a painting of King George lololol. He was under orders, but yknow. Probably felt pretty good after he was rejected for accelerated courses. He wasn’t the only bastard rejected, though! Ben Franklin’s bastard son was too. The guy in charge of admissions, Witherspoon, hated bastards as a concept and Princeton was a very religious school at the time I believe.

It may have been the plan by Aaron and Esther Burr for Aaron Jr to graduate Princeton, but like, he couldn’t really be sure of that? He was like 2 years old when they died, and his older sister Sally was 4 I believe, maybe 5.

Hercules Mulligan met Alex in 1772. His older brother Hugh knew Alex’s old employer in St. Croix and helped him get to mainland America. Alex and Hercules lived together for a long while, and Hercules is actually who got him interested in the revolution.

John Laurens was in England in 1776. He wouldn’t meet Hamilton and Lafayette until he accepted his post as Washington’s aide-de-camp upon his return in August of 1777.

Lafayette couldn’t have met Hamilton before August 1777 because that’s when he met Washington, and he was appointed as a volunteer to the Continental Army only a week prior, and before that he had been in France. But Lafayette later declared their relationship to be like that of brothers, Alexander his closest connection in the states besides Washington.

Lafayette admired and absolutely adored Laurens and they were besties, but neither of them knew Mulligan. They may have met in passing, or heard about him from Hamilton, but nothing more.

“Lafayette” was actually a nickname based on his title of “Marquis de la Fayette”. In his autobiography, he wrote: “It’s not my fault I was baptized like a Spaniard, with the name of every conceivable saint who might offer me more protection in battle.” I’m glad he thought it was funny at least. His name is Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de la Fayette.

Hercules Mulligan is not known to fuck horses.

The Revolution had already sorta started. Actually, Hercules and Alexander had been part of local militias before 1776.

This is more of a miscommunication since the actors are close in age, though the lyrics try to get it across. There’s a reason Mulligan says he’s got the others “in loco parentis”. In 1776 Hamilton and Lafayette would have been 19, Laurens would have been 22, and Mulligan would have been 36.

I think we all know “Laurens, I like you a lot” does not cover the scope of their relationship but that’s rather self explanatory so unless someone asks I’ll leave it at that. And for other clarifications. But at the very least I’ll share this: Anyone who saw them knew they were like attached at the hip (without knowing how attached *winkwonk*) and you could almost always contact one through the other. Laurens was notoriously bad at answering letters, to Hamilton too (and Alex did bitch about it because he is insecure and needs love), but it became quickly known he got back to Hamilton fastest so people would be like “Tell Laurens I said hi!” or “Hey, I need to get these to Laurens, you send them to him.” Which is hilarious. I just imagine Alexander going, “Why me?”

While all of them are Revolutionaries, Laurens is the only one you could solidly call an abolitionist, and Mulligan’s even shaky on the manumission part. He was supposedly part of the Manumission Society Hamilton helped start, but Mulligan also personally owned slaves and was never known to have freed them (One helped him with spy shit. His name was Cato!). In fairness, Hamilton and Lafayette wholeheartedly agreed with Laurens, and Hamilton was the biggest supporter of his battalion plan, and both of them did try to continue working towards equality after the war, but it was never the top priority for either of them and their lives kinda went to hell, so it fell to the wayside. Lafayette actually did some nifty stuff worth looking at, and Hamilton might have tried to keep one of John Lauren’s freed men from Henry Laurens! But as slavery stuck around for a while, it clearly wasn’t anything significant.

Angelica would meet and befriend Thomas Jefferson in Europe, but she would never manage to convince him to put women in a sequel because he’s a huge misogynist and told her in multiple letters that politics isn’t for women and I think he deserves a shoe up his southern backside. Side note, it always bothered me that Lin played up the misogyny in the musical. I mean, yeah, all of them would be misogynists compared to us, but for their time, Hamilton wasn’t so bad. If there was anyone to play up misogyny with, it was Jefferson, because he would tell Angelica for years and years that politics could never make women happy, and that the women in France were foolish for trying etc.. Hamilton would actually discuss politics with Angelica frequently and openly. And there’s a proto-feminist in the cast that was never recognized—Aaron Burr! He respected Theodosia Sr. as an equal and she was his most valuable political ally, and he made sure Theodosia Jr. got the same education any boy of her time would have. He actually respected women to a decent degree. Not to say he wasn't as much of a ho as Hamilton cuz yeah that's accurate (but they were both disaster bisexuals more on Burr's sexuality later)

Farmer Refuted was an essay Hamilton wrote arguing against Samuel Seabury's posts. They weren't shouting in the public square(but Lin got the sass right. I love his face when Hamilton and Seabury are fighting over the podium). Seabury was also really really old, not young and cute like Thayne, hence the line about "mange". Blech.

General Montgomery didn’t take a bullet in the neck, it was a grapeshot from a canon in his head (and his thighs), but close enough I guess. Side note: Burr actually served a short interim on Washington’s staff, but only for like 10 days because they hated each other lolol.

Alexander didn’t bring Laurens, Mulligan, or Lafayette to Washington. Lafayette joined up with the Continental Army in 1777 and quickly convinced them he wasn’t like the other French nobles; he was a glory-seeking kid with a boner for America (for some reason???). Laurens was requested by Washington to join his military family and he arrived also in August 1777 just after Lafayette. Like previously stated, Mulligan was doing shit even before Hamilton did.

Alexander would not have been in charge of spy shit (though may have been somewhat involved). Washington had people like Mulligan for that, who actually saved Washington a few times. But also, the "King’s men who might let some things slide" was the tactic Mulligan used. He was actually very charming, and his wife was very high in British society and he was a skilled tailor, so they were thought of well among the redcoats, and he got a lot of information through chatting with his customers. He also could usually smooth-talk his way out of trouble. Actually, Mulligan blended in so well, when the war was over, people in the city wanted him out cuz they thought he was a Loyalist. So George fucking Washington paid him a visit and commissioned I think a coat from him, and that cleared that up. He got a LOT of business after that.

Alexander would not be Washington’s right hand man, or at least, not his only one if Lin was using that to mean aide-de-camp. In that case, Laurens would also be Washington’s right hand man, along with many men not named in the musical.

John Laurens may have been reliable with the ladies (comes with the territory of being hot, rich, and a perfect gentleman), but he most certainly didn’t want to be. His father noted, rather proudly at the time, that as a young teenager he expressed no interest in girls. John was also married by 1780, and at least Alexander knew. (he told John he'd found out in the well-known April 1779 letter. You know... “Cold in my professions...find me a wife...the length of my nose...” That one.) Because John apparently didn't tell people he was married. Laurens. Sweetheart. Get. Your. Shit. Together.

John also would not be at this ball. February 1779 to March 1780 he is fighting down south, and this ball was early 1780.

The tomcat thing may be half true. Martha Washington did supposedly name a cat Hamilton, but it was an affectionate thing. The slang tomcat meaning ho wasn’t a thing at that time, so it couldn’t be named to tease Alex for his promiscuity. I believe this was one of the many things John Adams made up to slander Hamilton.

Hamilton and Eliza had met before 1780. They had met once two years prior at a dinner her father had hosted. Also, Hamilton had been courting her friend Kitty Livingston, and his friend and fellow aide Tench Tilghman had been attempting to court Eliza, and they’d actually done at least one sort-of double date (which is adorable). So this shouldn’t have been the first time they’d seen each other. Could still be when they fell in love, though, since they started courting after this. Which is cute to think about.

Speaking of Tench and Eliza! I don't remember when this took place but Tilghman journaled it, he went out on something of a hike with a few ladies and they got to a cliff. Of course, he had to help the girls climb up. Except Eliza who started climbing by herself like a natural to the bewilderment and likely horror of the other ladies. Elizabeth Schuyler was a bamf okay?

Of course everyone knows by now, Angelica was married before Eliza. During the Winter’s Ball, she’d already eloped with Jack Carter aka John Barker Church and run away to Boston.

Their courtship was not that fast. Not like, weeks. More like months. Fun fact, Eliza is the only of the five (yes FIVE) Schuyler sisters who didn’t elope and actually got her parents permission! But here’s a heartbreaking fun fact: while Alex was courting Eliza, Laurens was taken prisoner and then on probation. He wasn’t allowed to leave the state of Pennsylvania. He was mentally in a very dark place. Alex kind of procrastinated telling Laurens about Eliza, didn’t say he was courting anyone until they were already engaged.

I can't leave this alone if I'm sad you have to be too. Alex was hella depressed during this time too. Of course he was a soldier so he couldn't see Eliza as much as he'd have liked. On top of that, he kept pushing for an exchange for John and kept getting rejected because they couldn't show preference for him. And then Laurens was sending him very few letters, of course, and the ones he did send were very depressed, even suicidal sounding. He had to work while dealing with that. He had to keep begging Eliza to write to him to be reassured that she still liked him.

No one could show up for Hamilton for the wedding. Some sources say fellow aide James McHenry showed up, but he’s the only one. Alexander even invited his deadbeat dad, offered to pay all his travel expenses and everything, guess how that turned out. So Eliza’s side of the hall was packed and his was empty. God, can you imagine how sad that is?

Another heartbreaking fun fact! John Laurens was out of probation and could have made it to the wedding, was invited (Hamilton, I kid you not, jokingly invited him to a threesome with his new wife in a letter: “I wish you were at liberty to transgress the bounds of Pensylvania. I would invite you after the fall to Albany to be witness to the final consummation.” (emphasis is original to Hamilton. As is the misspelling of Pennsylvania. Yes, seriously.)) and John did not go. Instead he went back to work trying to talk his way out of getting sent as an envoy to France and suggesting Alexander to take his place. You know. His boyfriend who just got married. Sure, he was right that Hamilton was better equipped for the job, but yknow. Another fun fact, one of the guys who voted for John to be the one to go to France was John’s ex-boyfriend Francis Kinloch. Who was a turncoat, and had been a royalist when he and Laurens split. How’s that for some twisty bullshit.

Sorry, this one isn’t about the musical, it’s a tangent, I just got excited about that quote. Both that style of innuendo and the misspelling of Pennsylvania are consistent in Hamilton’s writing. Listening to john-lauren’s podcast about the April 1779 letter can really help you understand how Hammy uses innuendo but also I just love listening to it it’s insightful and hilarious and I love John Laurens but y u do this and my heart hurts for Hamilton but he is also a ho but aNYWAY. As for Pensylvania...well, he kinda made that mistake on an important document. ...It’s The Constitution. He misspelled Pennsylvania on The Constitution. No big deal. Not like something that could haunt his legacy forever. Oh my god I’m so sorry.

Philip Schuyler did have sons. Five in fact. Two of them died pretty young though I think, considering there are three kids in a row named John Bradstreet Schuyler. The other two were named Philip Jeremiah and Rensselaer.

Laurens, Lafayette, and Mulligan were all married before Hamilton. Hercules Mulligan married Elizabeth Sanders in 1773. Lafayette married his beloved Adrienne in 1774. John Laurens was regretfully obliged to marry Martha Manning in 1776.

Sigh. Again with the misogyny. Anyway, I wanted to comment on the marriage as a loss of freedom. From what I can tell, Elizabeth helped Hercules with his spy work at home. John was literally fighting a war across the ocean from his wife, and probably having an illegal affair with Alexander (though to be fair to him, he was kind of running away from Martha because he didn't marry her for love, gosh, there are no winners here). Lafayette absolutely adored his wife but still was also fighting a war an ocean away, and had multiple affairs, at least one with his wife’s blessing. So yeah, losing your freedom with marriage? Bullshit.

Despite where it is in the musical and Eliza singing the beginning, Stay Alive is roughly about Valley Forge, which would be December of 1777 through June of 78. So before the ball and wedding. (Fun fact! A lot of people theorize Valley Forge as when Hamilton and Laurens’ relationship may have escalated into romantic and/or sexual territory. They may have had more privacy, as small temporary buildings were being made to better withstand the cold, and Hamilton was sick a lot during that time and did need tending a lot. West Indian boi did not like Northern winter.) But yeah, Congress being stupid and the army resorting to eating their horses sometimes and not being able to buy food and equipment? All true. It was a real bad winter.

Mulligan wouldn’t have to go back to New York, he never would have left. He remained there as a tailor and a spy throughout the war. He wouldn’t have been traveling with Washington.

Hamilton and Laurens didn't write essays so much as start working out John's battalion plan and writing letters trying to push for it.

This duel happened in 1778, so like. This timeline is so fucky.

Stay Alive makes it seem like Hamilton was the one who wanted to duel Lee, but it was 100% Laurens from the start. The off-Broadway version demonstrates it a bit better. Hamilton was Lauren's second to save his ass. Hamilton had a rough relationship with Washington, but Laurens admired him greatly and would have willingly defended his commander’s honor. John was a Good Boy who always bowed his head to his asshole father, even at first for his battalion plan, but John wouldn’t let even his father talk shit about Washington. Fun fact about this duel, Alex and John were late to the duel because they “got lost in the woods”. Oooookay. Suuuuuuure. And Baron von Steuben was straight. (Fact: Steuben was very gay and pretty much pushed out of Europe for it. And he actually also had challenged Lee! They talked things out before this.)

Aaron Burr was not Charles Lee’s second. His second was a Major Evan Edwards. Lin wanted a parallel with the final duel. To be fair, that was a really cool way to do it and I like it better that way.

Alexander Hamilton could NOT agree that duels are dumb and immature. He was in 10 duel challenges as a participant in his lifetime, 9 of which he was the challenger. One time he challenged two people at once. One time he challenged an entire politcal party apparently. No, I am not kidding. He had a bad day. And I think you know the one time he wasn’t the challenger.

Lee did not yield on the first shot, nor was Laurens satisfied. Lee was pretty much like, “It’s just a flesh wound!” and wanted to go another round and Laurens agreed, but Hamilton and Edwards managed to talk them down. Yes he was shot in the side. But that wasn’t all because Laurens absolutely roasted Lee at his court martial. 

Lee: Were you ever in an action before?

Laurens: I have been in several actions; I did not call that an action, as there was no action previous to the retreat. 

I love this man. So much. The sass of this man.

We don’t know if Washington was angry about the duel with Lee. We do know that Laurens, and probably Hamilton, had Christmas dinner with him two days later. When Hamilton left, it was because Washington had snapped over a misunderstanding (caused by Lafayette actually, and he really tried to make it better because Lafayette is a sweetheart), and then continued to deny Hamilton the command he requested, and he resigned. It was entirely unrelated to the duel and Laurens. However, the daddy issues are real.

I don’t know if Lafayette went to France for more funds and came back with more guns, but Laurens certainly did! Ben Franklin told him to chill, but he actually got super impatient and ended up supposedly disrespecting and maybe kinda threatening the court, demanding what he needed, and walking out. They were were kind of shocked and impressed into giving more than had been requested. Any existing deities bless John Laurens. I love him.

Lafayette actually nominated his own aide to lead the charge and Hamilton appealed for himself and Washington finally gave in to Hamilton.

Laurens was not in South Carolina. When he finally got back from France, he was sent to Yorktown. He actually was commanding the group Alexander led. (Power couple lol) He also helped with negotiations after the battle. Also, supposedly making the British play ‘The World Turned Upside Down’ on their way out was Laurens’ idea because boy is made of sass and spite.

Henry Laurens would not have sent a letter to Hamilton about John’s death. Even if he would have, he couldn’t. At that time, he’d been locked up in the Tower of London as a prisoner. We have no idea when or how Alexander found out, or who might have told him. We know he wrote to Nathanael Greene on October 25 and Lafayette on November 3 (literally 2 months after Laurens' death), and the mentions of Laurens were very short. It’s thought that he really couldn’t talk about Laurens. People have compared it to the stories of how Benjamin Tallmadge apparently couldn’t hear Nathan Hale’s name without crying.

After Yorktown Alexander resigned and John went down south to flush British troops out of the southern states. His group was ambushed at Combahee River and he decided to charge instead of wait for backup and he died. Many people think it was a combination of his usual recklessness, suicidality, and glory-seeking mixed with a desperation with the war coming to an end. It was such a small skirmish. He deserved better. He left his daughter, Frances, whom he had never met, orphaned, as her mother had died months earlier from sickness. She was adopted by John’s oldest younger sister, also coincidentally Martha Laurens (though married was Martha Laurens Ramsay).

The Levi Weeks case was years later than that, in 1800, though it was alongside Burr. Hamilton actually lost his first trial as a defense lawyer and was not with Burr.

The whole conversation where Hamilton proposes Burr help him write the Federalist Papers is fake. Lin made that up entirely.

John Church’s wealth kinda...varies. He was a gambler. At first, he was actually in quite a bit of debt. He did make it big eventually and he and Angelica moved to Europe. He really didn’t seem to be a lot of fun to most people, but Angelica eloped with him. She chose him against her father’s wishes. I don’t get why Lin kept writing lines saying she didn’t love him, at least at first. He also does this in the cut song Congratulations where she says “I languished in a loveless marriage” bish you eloped wat She also lived as a socialite and was adored by anyone who met her apparently, so like???? da fuq Lin. Didja really do Laurens dirty for these lies or at the very least uncertanties? Could you not prop up that romance without making her say she hates her husband?

Act 2

More of a personality miscommunication. Irl Thomas Jefferson was shy, quiet, and hypersensitive, nothing like how Daveed plays him. If you knew a guy like the real Jefferson in real life you might be endeared to him out of pity or because he seems sweet, but in the short time of a musical that would immediately be read as cold and unlikable. So the best way to portray “this guy is a likable asshole” is to make him loud and made of sass which is what Daveed does magnificently. So, not at all accurate to real Jefferson, but gets the concept of him across.

Thomas was not off getting high with the French. Probably. He was making negotiations for the Revolution. And abusing Sally Hemings (his, at the time, 14 year old slave, who was also his sister-in-law, and 30 years his junior, and was brought along to entertain his daughter). And actually probably chatting up with Angelica!

By the time Philip was 9, he had two sisters, Angelica (7) and his foster/adopted sister Frances Antill (6), but he also had two brothers already, Alexander Jr. (5) and James Alexander (3), with maybe another one on the way since William Stephen would be born next year.

The whole comma thing is backwards. It was Angelica who made the initial mistake. Hamilton pointedly and flirtatiously teased her about it before closing it with “Adieu ma chere, soeur” French for “Goodbye my dear, sister”. So it’s more playful and less lovey dovey in context, so the tone is all wrong. It’s not romantic, it’s teasing and snarky.

Say No To This feels like it’s over quick. The affair lasted a year, not just the summer Eliza was away.

Clermont Street wasn’t renamed until many years later.

I don’t know that Alex has always considered Burr a friend. Irl they weren’t as close, and Hamilton was keenly aware of how slimy Burr could be.

Lafayette was NOT fine. He was imprisoned a lot during the French Revolution, the poor man, and many members of his wife’s family were killed. HOWEVER! Hamilton was not just sitting by. Angelica and her husband did make an attempt to rescue Lafayette, and the Hamiltons fostered Lafayette’s son Georges Washington Lafayette (yes that was his actual name). So Hamilton also did not forget Lafayette.

Not all his defendants got acquitted, obviously. Stop being cocky, Ham.

People comment on how Jefferson whines about Hamilton’s fashion sense while literally dressed in violet velvet. The original plan was to have him in browns, but Daveed is just such a friggin star that they just had to give him something brighter and decided to go with a Prince-inspired look. Originally the browns were going to be representative of his supposed representation of farmers. Though note here: Jefferson’s agricultural representation is much the same as modern Republicans’ rural representation. More for show.

Actually, let's get political for a sec. I've done some research in my hyperfixation and in searches for Hamilton shiz I've ended up stumbling into far-right nonsense and I know how to recognize the degrees of nonsense from years of actually paying attention to it now because this is what I do apparently. Which is weird, right? Lin kinda portrays him like a lefty. Well, here's the thing. Any proud historically educated Republican will tell you that their roots are in the Federalist Party. Which is technically true. What they will neglect to mention is the flip between parties that happened when the Republicans decided to use southerners racism to their advantage in elections. Being subtly racist can get the racists and the non-racists on your side! Yeah, it's gross. Federalists are more like Democrats. The corporatists. They clearly care more about companies and Wall Street, but they put actual action into social progress on rare occasion. Democratic-Republicans are like Republicans, conservatives who don't want social change and rail against it and pretend they aren't for corporate interests while being just as bad as the other guys. But Republicans have a tendency to rewrite history to paint themselves as the good guys, or reclaim things that aren't theirs as their own. Just look at the Civil War! Or...literally just...America I guess. Yikes. But yeah, here's your warning. Don't just go looking at and trusting things labelled Federalist. It likely won't be friendly.

John Adams didn’t fire Hamilton, Hamilton left. Eventually. And this is not the only time this kind of verbal confrontation happens, and not the one that destroys the Federalist Party. That actually happens after the Reynolds Pamphlet. But John Adams hates Alexander Hamilton with the burning passion of a thousand suns and really kinda earns this.

I’m not sure if he specifically called Alex a Creole bastard but I wouldn’t be surprised, there were other similar racist and bastard-related insults. You know the tomcat thing mentioned above. He started the rumor of the affair with Angelica. He accused him of being a rake (male version of whore at the time). He also may have behind closed doors accused him of being a sodomite. His (probably gay) son Charles helped with that one, bringing back rumors from a dinner he had with Hamilton (who he was working for) and John Church because Church joked about Alex being fond of a guy. Adams probably thought working for Hamilton was what made his son gay and alcoholic (Charles was an alcoholic and may have died in part because of that; Hamilton was not an alcoholic, but he supposedly could not hold his drink. He was smol).

Jefferson, Madison, and Burr didn’t accuse Hamilton of speculation. It was James Monroe, Abraham Venable, and Frederick Muhlenberg. Lin wanted to keep consistent representation of the Democratic-Republican party. But anyway, the whole thing went to hell because Monroe sent the letters to Jefferson (or I’ve also heard Monroe gave them to Madison who sent them to Jefferson) who, the spiteful gangly fucker, started spreading rumors because fuck Hamilton, amirite? Hamilton challenged Monroe to a duel over that. And who stopped this duel? Aaron Burr. He gets to be the good guy now and then.

It wasn’t just total strangers that got Alex off the island. He was sponsored by his cousin Ann Lytton and his teacher Reverend Hugh Knox. Also, he was kind of expected to get an education and come back and help out the island...guess what he never did. Oops.

This one I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure. I think Eliza was upstate with her family when the Reynolds Pamphlet was released, away from Alex. I also know she had recently given birth to their son, William Stephen. A lot of people think Alexander had been keeping that in mind. Eliza had had a miscarriage once before, when she was under a lot of stress and alone and with the kids and he had to be away (Whiskey Rebellion), so some people think he made sure she was surrounded by her family and waited until the child was born to drop this on her, and gave her distance from him if she needed it. At least he knew he fucked up, and he really did love her.

Those weren’t Alexander’s guns. They belonged to John Church.

It was quite some time between Philip’s challenge and the actual duel.

Another age miscommunication; Eacker was 27ish and Philip was 19 when the duel happened. There was a whole 8 years between them! 

Eacker didn’t shoot early. Actually, both of them stood staring at each other for a really long time doing nothing. But Philip went to make a move and Eacker shot him.

Alex and Eliza had made up from the Reynolds Pamphlet bullshit before Philip died. When he passed, Eliza was already pregnant with the son they would also name Philip in honor of his older brother.

Hamilton wasn’t really the deciding factor in the election of 1800. But he did say that about Burr and it did help swing the vote somewhat. But also, this was before Philip died. Philip died in 1801.

If a vote is that close, you can’t win in a landslide??? That’s not how words work???? Mister Miranda????? You are a writer??????? Sir???????

Burr actually held a term as Jefferson’s Vice President.

The Burr vs Hamilton Duel was in 1804 and was actually about another election and other things Hamilton was saying about him. Burr was running to be governor of New York and lost but heard about Alexander telling people the things he listed Alexander saying in Your Obedient Servant.

Thayne should not have played Alexander’s doctor. Sydney should have played Alexander’s doctor. Do you know why? Philip and Alexander had the same doctor when they died. Alexander took that doctor with him to the duel. His name was David Hosack.

While there’s evidence to suggest Burr experienced immediate regret (he stepped forward as if wanting to see if Hamilton was okay and supposedly asked after him and wished him well before Alexander passed) in the years that followed, until he was on his death bed, he expressed nothing but neutrality or even pride for having shot Hamilton. The ‘the world was wide enough’ comment could plausibly be entirely made up, and even if it were true, it was supposedly said toward the end of Burr’s life. Burr's life was quite a ride after Alex. He tried to make like his own empire out of Texas, and then of course was tried for treason, but he got out of that, but then everyone hated him for that ON TOP OF already hating him for killing Hamilton, so he had some crazy journey around Europe for a while. He kept a journal, writing entries like letters to Theo. The most notable things I think he writes he'd "been amused for an hour with a very handsome young Dane. Don't smile. It is a male!" which implies maybe Theodosia knew her dad was bi and was at least amused by it? And he spent a while living with Jeremy Bentham, who is generally accepted to have been gay (if you want more Burr gayness look into Jonathan Bellamy and Robert Troup. Troup knew Hamilton too!). Unrelated to his sexuality but I find it important, Burr spent, in modern cash, $40 on a coconut, in his own words, "like an ass." He returned to America eventually. I dont remember if it was before or after his foreign adventures, but his beloved grandson (also named Aaron Burr) died, and then not long after, Theodosia was lost at sea on her way to visit her dad. No one knows what happened to her. It's so sad. Anyway he married a wealthy widow named Eliza, spent all her money on charity, and died the day their divorce was finalized. And Eliza Jumel's divorce lawyer was Alexander Hamilton Jr..

Poor Eliza couldn’t go through all of her husband’s papers. Her son, John Church Hamilton, finished the work for her when she no longer could and put together the biography that inspired Chernow’s that inspired Lin’s musical. (He named a son Alexander and a daughter Elizabeth. He even named one of his sons Laurens! Aw.) And we have come full circle.

The End :33

There’s probably more but that’s what I’ve got. Thanks for reading!

[i-desire-jake]

Past memories (part 2)

Charecters: jake and mc

Genre: fluff and little romance

Summary: mc tells about her college life.

Before I could continue jake interrupts me  "you skipped sessions?!...But why?"

"Well..... it's mainly because of financial problems and also because  I wanted to move out of the employee Compartment I was living in." Jake raises his brow in questioning. I roll my eyes saying  " trust me it wasn't the most pleasent place for spending the rest of your life, especially when you have to be roommates with some creepy guys" Jake nods in understanding and asks "So , how did the college life treat you? Do you have some special memories with it?" "Trust me Jake,  you won't like it when I'll  tell you about my special memories." I muse. "why?" he asks.

"I had a boyfriend and I was pregnant with him" I blurted out............................

........................................................

Jake's face became pale and white as a sheet when I said that. His left eyebrow and lip twitched with shock.  It looked like he wanted to say something but the words just won't escape his throat. Finally after a few moments of silence and intense staring he made out awkwardly  "so ...., umm....y-you... have a child...?"

I couldn't control my laughter anymore, so I just busrsted out laughing. Tears of laughter fell from my eyes and I fell on his shoulder for support. I couldn't breathe properly because of the meriness .

Jake's face just showed confusion and a bit of worry. When I composed myself I said  " hehe...... Jake.. it was a joke hahaha........ you should have seen your face.. hahaha.........I wasn't pregnant but of course I had a boyfriend, we just not fitted as a couple together but became best friends later"

Jake's face turned red in embarrasment. He turned around facing his back towards me before mumbling " I hate you".

I hugged his back and pressed my body against his saying "I love you too." A few minutes passed like that before he turned around and hugged me back "please don't joke like that again. I really am very afraid of loosing you, and when you say things like that I almost get a heart attack and I immediately want to escape this world."

"I am so sorry my love. I won't do that again. And for the record, you'll never lose me. I'm very hard to get rid of." I wink before pressing my lips against his. He returns the gesture and we kiss passionately before separating to catch our breath.

"OK, now tell me about your college. And you can leave the part with your so called ex boyfriend." He says visibly annoyed by the thought of my ex.

"So, listen. As I said I was a little younger than others. This was a problem for me to make friends with others for a few days. But things never reamain the same. People around slowly started aceepting me. I became friends with a lot of people."

" But I was mostly friends with boys. Girls company just didn't fit with me."

"And why is that?" He asked raising a brow.

I shrugged " It's mainly because most of the girls were jealous of me. They saw me as threat to their love life. I was younger and maybe prettier than others so, most boys paid me more attention than other girls."

Jake was visibly annoyed with this statement. So, I just giggled and continued " Don't worry. I never returned the favour. I didn't want to spend my time thinking of teen boyfriend problems. I wanted to focus on my studies. I always thought that I will only in enter a relationship after completing my college. And also" I said moving a little closer to him "I never found anyone as fascinating and as handsome as you" Jake blushed and coughed to distract himself from the heat building in his face.

Then he suddenly asked out of nowhere  " if you moved to the college hostel, then it must mean that you left your job. So, I was wondering that how did you pay for your college fees and for your other needs? "

"Changing the topic, huh? I see..." I tease him before continuing my story. " So when I left the job, I had saved enough money to spend on myself. And for the college fees, I didn't have to pay much coz I got scholarship for the whole semester."

"Admirable " Jake said. " And with the money I saved, I bought a few things for myself and a pretty cheap laptop. It wasn't that good but good enough for me to work online. I started as an online mentor and taught students. I even started working as a freelancer and started some of my blogs in medical, fashion , and art fields."

"You have knowledge about art and fashion?" Jake asked visibly curious. "Well..." I said a bit shyly. " I don't have much knowledge about it but I know basics and a few other things. I had joined the college art and fashion festivals during the vacations. I learned a few things from there and when I got more interested in it I applied for the side course in fashion and art."

Jake was really mesmerised by my college life. He then said " Wow Mc, you are really something else. You always make the right decisions and always makes the smartest move. You are really very talented and you are so so perfect ."

I blushed at his words and mutterd " I'm not even that good. I have flaws too." "Nonsense" he said. "And what happened after that?" Jake asked. "Well nothing much happened after that, I graduated from my college after 4 years and applied at the state university for further studies"

A/n : hey guys this is my second part of past memories. I have already posted it's first part. You can find it in my blog. It will have maybe one or two more parts. Not to mention my ask box is open. You can ask for fics from there.😀💕

[phis-corner]

demon’s daughter

I decided to re-open the taglist for this fic because I am sometimes a pushover, so now you can either ask or comment to be on the fic’s taglist or the permanent taglist! 

Additionally, I have no consistent update schedule. My first draft is written by hand- I always like to stay two chapters ahead, so I posted this chapter when I finished copying chapter 5 into a Google Doc and proofreading.

Also, fun fact: I hate chocolate. My senses just do not like it at all. I also have a very sensitive tongue and can taste the barest hint of spiciness in foods, which also means I have zero spice tolerance whatsoever. As a Chinese-American with family in Sichuan, this means I get force-fed a lot of extremely spicy foods anyway.

Masterlist Chapter 1 Chapter 2 [Chapter 3] Chapter 4

“Why are you letting them stay? He tried to kill Dick!” Timothy points at Damian, who glowers at him from across the cave as Alfred stitches Richard’s cuts.

Marinette sighs. “Akhi was not trying to murder Richard. If you paid more attention, you would notice that all of Richard’s wounds are carefully placed in non-lethal areas meant to slow him down instead of severely injuring him.”

Batman does not say a word. He hasn’t spoken since Richard called him to verify their claims.

“They were raised as assassins, Timmy. It’s normal that they’d feel threatened a lot, and act accordingly. They’re family now. Give them a chance.” Richard replies, and Marinette blinks. She did not expect to have Richard defend them so easily.

“Pardon me,” She pipes up. “But ‘they’ are currently present.”

“Right. Sorry.” Richard has the sense to look guilty. Timothy just glares.

Damian squeezes her hand three times, their signal for I would like to leave. Marinette sighs as she exits the Batcave. Being accepted into the family is… a work in progress.

.o0o.

Slade is put into Blackgate not long after with the information Ubu gave after being interrogated by the Bats. Damian and Marinette were not allowed to go. 

Too young, Richard had said. They had interpreted that as You cannot be trusted to keep him alive. He did make the right call though. Damian would have tried extremely hard had he gotten the chance.

Of course, the League did dispose of him not long after anyway, but it was the thought that counted.

Damian and Marinette spent their days in the Manor sparring, reading, or practicing their instruments. Richard, who seemed determined to bond with them, bought them both new sketchbooks, for Damian’s drawings and Marinette’s designs. She had discovered an affinity for clothing design while undercover on a mission, and had been designing ever since.

Cass (she insisted that they call her that instead of Cassandra,) was always happy to spar when asked, and although nobody ever defeated her, it was a welcomed challenge to fight someone who knew your every move, sometimes even before you did. Damian grudgingly admits she is a worthy sister, which makes Marinette smile and Cass beam.

Jason had his own home and only visited every once in a while, and Timothy was rarely seen. It didn’t help that Damian continued to make snarky comments whenever they did see him, but if Timothy was scarce, Father was practically nonexistent.

Since they came to the Manor, their father has said a total of two words to the both of them, and that was just their names when he exited his study as they passed by.

Marinette is determined to make her new family work, and so when she finds Timothy completely by accident, typing away on a laptop in one of the less-used rooms in the Manor, she takes a chance.

“You do know we are not trying to replace you, right?” She asks softly, sitting down in an armchair and deliberately not making eye contact with him. 

Timothy snorts. “But is that not what you’re doing? Bruce chose to take in everyone else. I had to blackmail him into letting me be Robin. And then the biological kids show up, born and raised like fucking royalty, so who would care about Tim Drake? The little kid whose parents didn’t even want him and his neighbor only adopted him because he knew his most well-kept secret.”

“We have more in common than you think.” Marinette says quietly.

“Yeah, right.” Timothy laughs bitterly. “The Princess of the League-”

“I wasn’t.” Marinette interrupts.

“Huh? But-”

“I wasn’t the Princess.” Marinette keeps her voice calm with considerable effort. “As soon as I was born, Ra’s gave me over to Lady Shiva. He declared me unworthy because I was a girl, and I was raised as the lowest-ranked assassin. I may have been Shiva’s protege, but that just meant she went even harder on me. I did not know even my last name until after my first death when I was five. I did not properly meet my brother until last year. Ra’s decided that I could be acknowledged, but maintained his stance on feminine inferiority.”

She chuckles hollowly. “You fear being replaced by your father figure’s biological children, Timothy. But your fear is unwarranted. Bruce Wayne chose to adopt you, because he is a good man with copious amounts of generosity. However, it evidently does not extend to his biological children. Talia dumped us at Batman’s feet and left without another word, without looking back. And Father? We may have been a complete surprise, but he has said two words in total to us since that first night- our names. You need not worry, Timothy. You shall not be replaced.”

Marinette stands, her message conveyed, and pauses in the doorway of the room. 

“Have a good afternoon, Timothy.”

The next day, Marinette and Damian watch on live television as their father is killed by Darkseid.

.o0o.

The funeral for Batman is somber. Everyone cries except for Marinette and Damian.

She thinks they should be crying, but Marinette simply didn’t know her father well enough to really mourn him. Damian squeezes her hand, and she squeezes back. The twins stand, faces carefully blank, shoulders straight and unmoving, like rocks in an ocean of tears.

Crime in Gotham runs rampant when they think Batman is gone, and so Richard becomes Batman out of necessity- and chooses her twin brother as his Robin.

Nobody else sees how it crushes Timothy, because Cass has left for Hong Kong, abandoning Batgirl and making her own identity as Black Bat. Jason is holed up in a safehouse somewhere, Richard and Damian are in their own little world as they prepare for their first patrol together, and Alfred needs time to mourn too.

So she finds herself knocking on the door to Timothy’s room, one hand holding a plate of sandwiches and a freshly brewed coffee because he hasn’t left his room since the funeral. Marinette quietly enters upon his muffled “Come in” and sets the plate down next to Timothy, whose eyes are red-rimmed and have even larger bags than normal, and yet he continues to work.

“I… noticed you have not come out to eat, so I brought some food and fresh coffee. Black.” She adds, after a moment of hesitation.

“Thanks.” Timothy mumbles, immediately going for the coffee. “Why are you doing this?”

Marinette shrugs. “Everyone else was caught up in their own situation and had issues to work through too. I am relatively unaffected by the circumstances and therefore my observation skills have not declined.” She says simply. “You should also eat. I will not stop you from drinking the coffee, but you cannot work on an empty stomach, either.”

He begrudgingly eats a sandwich, still typing away at his laptop all the while. Marinette notes the tension in his frame.

“Would you like to talk about it? I have read that venting is significantly better for one’s mental health than keeping it bottled up.” She offers.

Timothy suddenly slams the laptop shut, hard, but Marinette doesn’t flinch. The reaction was trained out of her a long time ago. 

“It’s not- it’s- my entire life, I’ve been trying to prove myself. Robin was- Robin was special. I wasn’t the first Robin, but it was a reminder that I was worth something to someone, that I could do good and be useful. And then Bruce dies, Dick becomes Batman, and he just names Damian as his Robin like my opinion on the matter meant nothing, booting me out of the position, without any semblance of an explanation and-” He breaks off into sobs.

The sight of somebody crying makes Marinette more than a little awkward, because what is she doing? She doesn’t know how to comfort a crying person, but she does know that Timothy was touch-starved as a child. However, she isn’t the most touchy-feely person on the planet either, so she just settles for rubbing his back as he lets it all out.

Once he’s run out of tears, she silently hands him the tissue box she plucked from his desk. 

“Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne, you are not worthless.” Marinette says sternly. “Nobody is worthless, and you are far from being anywhere near so. You are the cleverest and most intelligent of us all, a capable, quick-thinking strategist, and you have detective skills that rivaled Father’s. I believe Richard chose Damian as Robin because Robin is always supposed to be Batman’s sidekick. He is always taken under Batman’s wing because there are things he hasn’t learned, that Batman can teach him. Richard sees you as an equal, and therefore cannot keep you as his Robin because you have graduated the mantle. It is time you created a new identity and moved on. Do you have anything in mind?”

Timothy sniffs once. “Thank you. I really needed that. And as for the ideas,” He reaches over and pulls out a sketchbook, a smile spreading across his face. “I’ve got a few.”

.o0o.

They brainstorm ideas for almost three hours before Timothy falls asleep. Marinette easily carries his light frame to his bed and drapes a blanket over his shoulders before quietly exiting his room.

Thankfully, she managed to convince Timothy that the cowl was a terrible idea. Marinette returns to her own room for her sketchbook. Batman and Robin will have each other’s backs. But Red Hood works alone, leaving Red Robin with nobody to watch his back.

Timothy is Marinette’s brother too, and everyone else is headed into the field anyway. She, like Damian, also had the phrase ‘justice, not vengeance’ drilled into her head, and Richard had made sure to remind them daily to aim for non-lethal spots. Not that she planned on taking a life ever again anyway.

Marinette flips open her sketchbook to a bookmarked page and smiles. It seems that Starling would be making an appearance very soon.

.o0o.

It is almost time for Richard and Damian’s first patrol as Batman and Robin. Marinette heads downstairs to wish them well, but freezes at the sight of her twin in Timothy’s old suit.

“This is unacceptable!” She screeches, hurrying forward and looking pleadingly at Richard. “You cannot let akhi out into Gotham looking like a traffic light!”

Richard frowns, as does Damian. “But you never had a problem with Tim wearing it.”

“Tt. Timothy had little to no prior experience in combat before being trained as Robin. Damian has been trained to utilize the shadows in combat since birth. Wearing those bright colors will make him stand out and put him at a disadvantage.” Marinette tuts, already scribbling out a new design in her sketchbook.

“Then what do you suggest, ukhti?” Damian asks.

“I have a design in mind. The colors will stay, but the yellow and green will have to be significantly darker, and the red should be dulled as well. Sadly, you will have to wear that monstrosity tonight, but I can have the suit finished in time for patrol tomorrow, as will mine and Timothy’s new suits.” She replies, not glancing up from her book.

“What do you mean, Marinette?” Richard questions, and Marinette feels a tiny twinge of annoyance at how he handled telling Timothy about Robin.

“I mean that Timothy and I have crafted new identities as well. You did not expect him to just stop fighting crime, or for me to just sit at home while everyone else carried out Father’s mission, did you?”

Damian nods, a small smile pulling at his lips. “It will be nice to see you in the field too, ukhti.”

“What will your names be?” Richard prods curiously.

“I will not tell you just yet.” Marinette smirks. She shows her twin the finished design. “Does this look alright, akhi?”

“It looks wonderful, ukhti.” Damian replies. “Thank you.”

She sniffs. “Well, somebody had to fix the lack of fashion sense in this household eventually.”

.o0o.

Everyone else in the family may use capes, but Marinette decided that Richard’s Nightwing suit was by far the best because of its lack of one. Capes were long, heavy, a waste of fabric, and overall useless.

The Starling suit was primarily black, with a dark emerald mask covering the lower half of her face (because why carry a gas mask and rebreather when it can be built in?) with gloves and boots in the same color. A single silver star with curved sides was splayed on her chest, and a dark green utility belt rested on her waist. Her steel war fans had holsters strapped to her thighs.

All in all, the suit was built for the shadows. Marinette had learned to master slipping through the dark, unseen, and Gotham was the perfect place to utilize that. Starling would be nothing more than a ghost, a legend, if she had her way. After all, the less citizens knew, the less likely the information would hit the underworld, and that way, the vigilantes wouldn’t have all their cards out in the open.

Damian looks much better in his new suit as well, and Timothy is also grinning when he steps out of the male’s changing room. (A/N: the new 52 suit. I’m not letting him out of the Cave with that ugly cowl, or the traffic light costume with an extra R. Don’t even get me started on the Drake one.)

Richard, cowl still down, smiles as bright as the sun itself. “Good to see you, Robin. Tim, Marinette, can I ask your names?”

Timothy fastens his domino. “Red Robin.”

Marinette pulls her face mask up and curtsies with perfect posture. “Starling. I wish to work in the shadows, if that is alright.”

Richard puts on the cowl and becomes Batman. “You guys all look amazing.” He grins, and it is unsettling to see Batman smile. Oracle logs into the comms from the Clocktower.

“You all ready?”

They split the city in half. Red Robin and Starling take the North while Batman & Robin will cover the South. 

Starling trails Red Robin from afar, leaping from building to building and only using her grappling hook when the distance is too great to close by foot. They stop four muggings and two attempted assaults, all without Starling being spotted. The criminals think they hit their head on the alley walls or each other instead of her fist from behind.

It’s almost three in the morning when Batman calls it quits and they return to the Cave, changing out of their suits and showering. They are somehow all unharmed, so Alfred sends them up to bed.

Damian and Marinette brush their teeth before climbing into bed and flipping off the lights.

“Tonight was actually quite enjoyable.” Marinette remarks. “It is a nice feeling, to know that you are helping people.”

Damian hums sleepily. “It is good to know that we are continuing Father’s legacy.”

Marinette smiles. “Yes, I suppose so.” She burrows deeper into her blankets. “Sleep well, akhi.”

“The same goes for you, ukhti.”

For once, Marinette doesn’t have a nightmare.

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Permanent taglist (always open): @wannajointhecrabcult @marinettepotterandplagg 

Unspecified (you asked to be tagged and did not specify which one): @momothefemur @indecisive-mess-named-me

Note: some of them didn’t work. I am terrible with technology and have no clue how to fix this.

[heyyyharry]

Chapter 14: To The Boy Next Door

(from the My Girl Trilogy: Stay Mine)

…in which they play a game.

Word count: 4.7k

AU: actor!Harry, older!Harry, younger!Y/N, (4-year age gap).

Wattpad link (Thea as Y/N)

ANNOUNCEMENT: The last chapter was supposed to be released on July 1, BUT I have two final exams on that same week, so I’ll have no choice but to move the schedule forward.

Last My Girl update: July 8, 2020. (July 3: Tumblr preview and full chapter on Patreon).

.

.

.

One year later

“Come in.”

When Asher entered the room, Gemma almost didn’t recognize him. He’d got a beard now, and he wasn’t wearing a suit. If she hadn’t known the charming Asher in the past, she would be so shocked to find out he was the CEO’s son. Too bad she didn’t care enough to wonder what had happened to him after his business had gone bankrupt because his father had refused to finance it. Now he was just a regular accountant.

His eyes went wide when he saw her sitting with his dad in the CEO office.

Hello, Asher, she thought, yet gave him nothing but a polite nod as if they were meeting for the first time.

“Asher, I suppose you remember Gemma?” asked his father with a sigh.

“Yes,” Asher mumbled, his gaze falling to the floor.

Of course he remembered her. Abusers always remembered their victims.

His dad looked from him back to Gemma. Hands folded on the desk, he said, “Gemma is our new COO. I hope you will have no trouble working for her.”

Asher’s head jerked up as if he’d just heard a gunshot. And Gemma, of course, was the one holding the gun.

She relished his astonishment and cracked a smile as she rose from her seat and walked toward him. She extended her hand, but he didn’t take it.

“Working for her?” he asked his dad, who replied with a stern expression.

“Yes. She’s your new boss.”

Gemma broke into a smirk, still holding out her hand in the space between them. Asher’s eyes had grown so big they nearly took over his entire face. “You,” he hissed at her, “I can't believe you weaselled your way into this company.”

“Oh, no.” Gemma frowned pretentiously and dropped her hand down to her side. “I’ve been a shareholder for almost a year. I’ve done more for this company in that short amount of time than you have your whole life.”

He thinned his lips and glared at her, unable to muster a single word.

She hated him but respected his father. And what was better as revenge than making sure she took everything he wanted? First, his father’s affection. Soon, his father’s company.

“I don’t want to make this unpleasant for you, Asher,” her voice dropped so low as she leaned in so only the two of them could hear. “Or maybe I do. So you better be a nice employee, because I wouldn't be sorry to kick you out of here.”

His face dimmed as she stepped away. If there was a camera, she’d take a picture and put it in a frame. Though she doubted this would be the last time she got to see that defeated look on his face.

"See you around, Ash," she said, placing a hand on her hip as she breezed right past him out of the room.

Two interns, a blonde and a dark-skinned girl, rose from their cubicles and rushed up to her as she was heading for the lift.

“Excuse me,” the blonde said timidly. “Are you...our new COO?”

“Y-Yes, yes, I am.” Gemma worked up a smile and the girls giggled to each other like teenagers.

“Congratulations and welcome!” said the dark-skinned one, who said her name was Marie and her friend was Claria. Gemma assumed they were going to fangirl about her brother, but then Marie said, “We love your sister-in-law’s book. We’re such big big fans.”

It took Gemma a second. “Y/N? She and Harry aren’t–”

“Future sister-in-law,” Claria corrected her friend, looking nervously from Marie back to Gemma. “We’ve...heard some rumours. Can you confirm or deny it?”

“I cannot. But I’ll let her know about you girls.”

The girls grinned like the Cheshire Cat, and Gemma could tell they were trying their best not to freak out. She waved them goodbye and hastened into the lift before the door closed.

Her phone buzzed with a new text.

Isey: Lunch? :)

Lunch :) she replied, biting back a grin.

Another notification popped up. A reply from Harry's girl. Gemma rolled her eyes as she remembered lending Harry her phone a couple of weeks ago. He'd changed most names in her contacts and she'd only managed to change back a few of them.

Harry's girl: Thanks for the birthday wish, Gem! (heart emoji)

You're welcome! Is Harry coming home today?

Harry's girl: I hope not. But idk.

We never know. How can you STAND him? Ugh.

Harry's girl: I can't lol.

Harry's girl: Anyway, what was his reaction?

Gemma knew right away whom Y/N was talking about.

Priceless, she responded.

Harry's girl: QUEEN. Make his life a living hell.

Oh I will. Certainly.

The door slid open with a ding, and Gemma tucked the phone into her bag. Her assistant was waiting outside to direct her to her new office. With a smile on her face, she stepped out of the lift and shook the assistant's hand.

She was so ready for this new beginning.

.

.

.

“Good aaaaaafternoon, girlfriend! Are you feeling twenty-two?”

Y/N laughed hoarsely as she blinked a few times to let her vision get used to the light from the windows opposite the bed. “You’re embarrassing,” she said, yawning.

On the phone, Harry gasped. “Did you just wake up?!”

“I stayed up all night talking to you and had a zoom meeting with Laura this morning. Besides, it’s Sunday.”

“It’s your birthday.”

“Duh.” She grinned at the ceiling and exhaled. “I’m twenty-two now. I’m like...old.”

“Ouch. Well, aren’t you supposed to get ready for the book signing?”

“Book signing is tomorrow. Bad boyfriend.”

The sound of his laugh made her heart leap. She missed him so much. He’d been in New York for two weeks and wouldn’t be back until next Thursday, which meant she’d have to spend this birthday without him. She wasn’t sure if she should let him know she wished he were here. She really did. But she also didn’t want him to drop everything and fly back to her for only one night. He’d done that before and it'd been romantic, still, she never wanted him to do it again.

“To prove that I’m not a bad boyfriend,” he said, snapping her back to the moment. “I have a surprise for you.”

She sat up straight and whipped her head to the door. “Goddamn it, Harry,” she huffed, “if you tell me you’re standing right outside–”

“No!” He burst out laughing. “No, no, no, I’m still in New York.”

She sighed in relief, but couldn’t help feeling a bit disappointed.

“My surprise is in the pocket of my favourite suit,” he said.

She had no idea what he might have up his sleeves (quite literally). Still, she rolled out of bed, shoved her feet into her slippers, and padded out of the room.

Two years ago on this same day, he’d brought her to the roof of an abandoned building, where they’d watched the night city and eaten his homemade cupcakes. On her twenty-first birthday, they hadn’t been talking. And so this year, she’d suspected that he must have planned something extravagant to surprise her, even though he wasn’t home to celebrate with her. The surprise had come a bit earlier than expected.

She switched on the light in the walk-in closet, which was as large as her old flat. His favourite suit was the one he’d worn on Grammy’s night. Sparkling dark velvet to match the aesthetic of her silvery mermaid gown, which, unfortunately, she hadn’t got a chance to show off to the world.

She stuck her hand into the breast pocket of the jacket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “Found it."

“Go on. Read it,” he encouraged.

“If it says ‘Happy Birthday, smiley face’, I’ll strangle you when you come back.”

A laugh burst right through him. “Your choking kink is getting out of hand, babe.”

“Shut up.” She huffed, unfolding the note. “Should have said I loved you,” she read aloud. “What does that mean?”

“You can ask for my help only once. Call me when you’ve found the fifth clue.”

“Wait!”

But he’d already hung up.

She almost called him back but then decided not to. She didn't want to waste her only chance to ask for help.

Classic treasure hunt, she thought, rereading the sentence.

The prize would be her birthday present for sure. Maybe he’d hidden it in the wood somewhere. A normal boyfriend would just have the birthday present delivered, or leave it on the table or in the garage, not challenge his girlfriend’s two only active brain cells with a children’s game. But Y/N wasn’t a normal girlfriend. And as much as she hated working for something other than her writing, a part of her was excited.

“Should have said I loved you,” she thought out loud, then snapped her fingers and rushed across the hallway to his library.

Two years ago, she’d told him she’d loved him for the first time and received silence in return. In this very room, he’d watched her leave.

She stood in front of the giant bookcase, which he’d had installed a month after she’d officially moved in. Most of these books were from her collection. On a shelf in the middle stood three framed photos of them. Them in Paris. Them with their families on a vacation last summer. Them at her graduation.

She flipped each frame over to check the back, but none had what she was looking for. She tapped her foot impatiently on the carpet while assessing the rest of the bookcase. It didn’t take her too long to notice that one book was upside down.

P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern.

Of course. Of-fucking-course.

She rolled her eyes, feeling a smile stretching her lips as she took the book from the shelf and opened it to the first page. There was a post-it note that said:

Congrats, babe. You’ve found it. Next clue: Where the magic happens ;)

‘Where the magic happens.’ If it wasn’t sexual, the winky face had made sure that it was.

Could it be their bed? Nope. She'd slept there last night.

Could it be the first place they’d had sex?

Could the next clue be inside that car?

She jolted with a start and dashed out of the library, and as soon as she reached the stairs, she suddenly halted.

No. She didn’t remember which car they’d had sex in for the first time, and he’d got a whole collection of cars. It’d take forever to search every single one. That wasn’t the right answer.

Sighing, she stood on the first stair and contemplated the clue again.

They used to play Treasure Hunt when they were younger. There were usually at least five or six clues, and the first three should be easy.

Could it be her flat? Most of their ‘secret relationship’ had happened in her flat. It used to be their secret kingdom. Impenetrable. Disconnected to the outside world. They’d also had their second real kiss outside her door, and she still had until the end of this month before she must return the keys to the landlord.

She wasn’t sure, and she wasn’t going to drive all the way there just to find out she was wrong.

And so she decided to call him.

“Let me guess,” he said as soon as the beeping stopped. “You’re either super impatient or your fairy godmother appeared and helped you find all five clues.”

She rolled her eyes. “Third clue. Is it your car or my flat?”

“My car?” He sounded confused, which gave her the impression that she might have got it wrong.

Her cheeks burnt as she said, “We had sex for the first time in your car.”

“No, not my car, but damn, I should have thought of that.”

“So it’s my flat?”

“Are you sure you want to ask me now?”

“Yes.”

“Yes,” he smugly confirmed. “It’s your flat. Now you’re on your own until the final clue.”

“Fuck,” she grunted and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I thought you’d have trouble with this one, too. I mean, we fuck everywhere these days.”

“If my birthday present isn’t worth all this, we won’t be fucking ever again.”

He gasped at the threat, and she could picture him wearing that stupid crooked smile as he told her, “Good luck, kid. I believe in you.”

.

.

.

She found the next clue on Thumper’s lap.

When she’d moved most of her furniture to Harry’s house, she’d forgotten to take the purple stuffed bunny with her. She held it under her arm and scrutinized the pink post-it note, which said:

I cannot believe you left Thumper behind. Third clue: Drunk little deer.

“Drunk little deer? What does that even mean?” Then she looked at Thumper. “Should I kick him in the balls when I see him?”

She made the rabbit nod and burst out laughing at how crazy she sounded. If anyone walked in and saw her talking to a stuffed animal, they would assume she was either crazy or drunk.

Drunk.

She was the drunk little deer. Drunk Bambi.

The answer was the place he'd seen her drunk for the first time.

.

.

.

Andrew recognized Y/N right from the moment she stepped into the pub. He leaned over the counter and shouted for everyone to hear, “Little girl! Good to see you again!”

“Andrew," she smiled and shouldered her way towards the bar.

He eyed her up and down as she slid onto one of the stools. “You look different. I hope you’re not here to drink again. I might have to kick you out.”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “You look different, too. I like your new hair.”

Andrew rubbed his shiny bald head, scowling at her as she raised a smile and rested her chin on her knuckles. Andrew might look intimidating, especially now without his hair, but he was one of the softest people she’d ever met. He’d been so kind to her during her tough times and even let her haunt his pub day and night until Harry had come for the rescue.

“You’re kind of famous now, aren’t you?” Andrew said. “I’ve read your book. It didn’t suck.”

“You have?”

He lifted one giant shoulder of his, pursing his lips. “My wife made me. She's a big fan. Your boyfriend came two weeks ago and he even signed the book for her. He said he was the one in the story.”

“My boyfriend was here?”

Andrew gave a nod.

The voices in Y/N's head started cheering like she’d just won a wrestling match. It would have been so embarrassing if she'd asked Andrew first and then found out she'd got it wrong.

“Well, did he leave...something for me? A message perhaps?”

Andrew growled as he turned away, and without a word, disappeared through a stained curtain behind him. He came back five minutes later and handed her a green post-it note with an unreadable grimace on his face.

She snatched it immediately. A laugh crackled out of her as if he’d just given her gold.

Hi babe, you’re almost there! My biggest fans (not you) have the final clue. Get back to work.

“He gave this to me when he signed the book,” Andrew said.

Y/N mumbled the words over as she tried to figure them out. Her first guess for ‘biggest fans (not you)’was Gemma and Isaac. But then she got rid of the idea because they had to be at the same place at the same time in order for this to work, and Gem and Isaac were both at work.

Which two people were together right now and were also Harry’s biggest fans?

‘Get back to work.’

Yes. That’s it!

Y/N thrust the post-it note into her bag and rose from the stool. “I’m sorry. This must be weird to you.”

“It’s quite romantic, actually," Andrew said.

“Really?”

“And weird. You two are both weird. What a perfect couple.”

“Gee, thanks.”

As she spun on her heels, Andrew called after her, “Hey, little girl. I’m sorry I said you weren’t a real writer.”

“You said that?”

“You were drunk,” he chuckled. “Anyway, bring your weird boyfriend back sometimes.”

“I will. If there’s free beer.”

“Get out of here.” He shot his finger toward the door, but it was the first time she’d seen Andrew smile with his whole face.

.

.

.

Eddie’s bookshop was busy on most Sundays. Well, it had been busy almost every day since Y/N had credited him in her latest best-selling debut novel.

She entered the shop and was immediately recognized by a group of schoolgirls, who asked her to sign their new copies of her book and questioned her about the story. She recycled the same amiable answers that didn’t give away any more than what they might already know. Since she’d already got used to the attention, the fans didn’t intimidate her anymore.

She took a selfie with the girls and bid them goodbye. Then one of the new employees told her that Eddie and Alice were sorting books at the back. She wandered along aisles until she found them. Eddie was scolding Alice for putting hardcovers in between paperbacks. Nothing got on Eddie’s nerves as much as putting hardcovers in between paperbacks.

“The hardcovers take more shelf-space so you cannot put them there! God, Alice, were you drunk when you were sorting these books?”

“I wish I were drunk now,” Alice said, and her eyes lit up as she saw Y/N. She nearly tackled Y/N to the floor with a violent hug, and Y/N returned with half as much enthusiasm.

“You’re like a Golden Retriever,” Y/N said, pulling back and cupping her friend’s face.

“Happy birthday! I was gonna send you–”

Eddie didn’t wait for Alice to finish as he pushed her aside to step forward, his face brightened like the sun. “You’re here for the clue, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I–”

“We can’t just hand it to you.” That sun-like face suddenly turned serious. “You need a password. What is Harry’s favourite book?”

Y/N arched an eyebrow at Eddie as if expecting him to say ‘gotcha!’ But he only mirrored her expression as he crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for an answer.

“Seriously?” Y/N scoffed, looking at her two friends. “He’s that narcissistic?”

Alice smirked as she raised a shoulder. “Either you answer or search this entire bookshop yourself.”

“I fucking hate him and I fucking hate both of you.” Y/N rolled her eyes upward and exhaled sharply. “Norwegian Wood.”

“Huh?”

“That’s his favourite book,” she told Alice and remembered Alice didn’t read fiction unless it was compulsory. “Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami.”

Eddie looked confused. “He loves Haruki Murakami? His books are misogynistic.”

“Harry’s got a bad taste in authors. But judging from your reactions, I suppose that is not the correct answer, and I should probably break up with my boyfriend because I don’t know what his favourite book is.”

“You do, Y/N.” Alice beamed as she leaned a shoulder against the bookcase. “You’re thinking too big. It’s pretty simple.”

“Shit. Is it my book?” Y/N asked, then pinched the bridge of her nose as Eddie began to smile. “Goddamn it, he’s like my dad times ten.”

“What did your dad do?” Eddie asked.

“He bought a bunch of copies of my book and sent them to our relatives for Christmas. It was pretty embarrassing.”

“Aww.”

“ALICE!”

“Jesus Christ!” Alice covered her ears as she shot Eddie a glare. “I’m standing right next to you.”

“Go get the clue!” Eddie flicked his fingers at her. “Go! Hurry!”

Alice rolled her eyes and flipped him off as she backed out of the aisle. Eddie ignored her and turned back to Y/N, grinning from ear to ear like he was the birthday girl. “Are you excited?”

“Not as much as you are. That’s for sure,” Y/N said and made sure he knew she was joking by giving him a toothy grin.

“I’m not gonna tell you what the surprise is, you know.”

“I’m not asking.”

Eddie’s laugh was high as he placed a hand on her shoulder. “What I can tell you is that you’re gonna love it. Too bad I cannot be there to see your reaction.”

“Trust me,” she said. “You don’t wanna see me scold Harry through the phone.”

Alice returned with a copy of My Girl and handed it to Y/N with a smile that possibly meant, ‘You’re gonna love this’.

Suspicious and somewhat elated, Y/N opened the book to the dedication page.

To Mum, Dad, and the boy next door.

Those were her words. Below was his handwriting: Hi my love :)

Curious, she turned to the first chapter. This wasn’t just another copy of her book, of which she’d got all the different covers at home. With this one, Harry had done the same thing he’d done to her journal. His handwriting was scattered across the pages. He’d underlined all the quotes he’d enjoyed and left comments about them on the side.

Y/N heard Eddie say something about how he would never write in books and Alice immediately shush him for being rude. Y/N never wrote in books, either, but she loved reading Harry’s handwritten notes. It felt like he was reading the story with her. The butterflies in her stomach went wild just from imagining him taking his time writing on each page and grinning at his own jokes. If this was the birthday surprise, she could not ask for anything more.

However, she knew he had to be more extra than this.

And there it was. Proof that this was not the surprise. On the very last page, he wrote:

Meet me where the sky meets the earth.

“Where the sky meets the earth?” she thought out loud and glanced up at Eddie, who responded with a shrug. Alice did, too. Y/N didn’t think they were lying. Harry must have told them what the surprise was, but not the answers to these cryptic messages.

Eddie patted her on the back as he wished her good luck and shooed Alice back to the front to assist the customers. Y/N was left behind to work it out on her own. She leaned against the bookcase, pondering over the words.

Hadn’t Harry said she was allowed to call him when she reached the fifth clue?

She tucked the book under her arm and pulled out the phone from the pocket of her jeans.

“Hi, babe!”

“I’ve got the fifth clue,” she blurted. “What do I do now?”

“I don’t know. Solve it?”

“Yes, smartarse. The answer is, I don’t know.”

“You’re not even thinking.”

“You said you’d help me!”

“I said I’d help you once,” he countered. “And I did. I told you to call me just so I know when you’ve reached the final clue.”

“So you’re not gonna help me with this one?”

He was quiet for a moment. “Well, I can give you a hint. What do all the places you’ve visited today have in common?”

She chewed on her lip, an arm folded over her chest. “They’re memories,” she whispered.

“That’s right,” he whispered back, like they didn’t want anyone to overhear their conversation. “This last place is a memory as well. Where the sky meets the earth. Think, kid.”

She pouted. “Can I please get another hint?”

“You don’t get to talk in a cute voice and manipulate me, Bambi,” he sighed. “Fine. Our first date.”

“Holmes Chapel?!”

He said nothing and hung up.

It took Y/N a few seconds, but she believed she’d got the answer.

.

.

.

She took the lift and climbed four sets of stairs to the roof.

Adrenaline buzzed right through her, causing her hands to shake and her heart to pound against her ribcage. The metal was cold against her fingertips as she pawed the heavy door open slowly. It was unlocked.

The cold wind gushed in, blowing her hair out of her face as she stepped into the night. The city of London gleamed before her eyes. Where the sky meets the earth. This was where they could see stars high above and down below.

And there he was. Waiting for her with that smug crooked grin on his stupid face.

“Hi,” he said.

Oh, how she’d missed his stupid beautiful face.

She tucked her hands into the pockets of her jacket and ambled forward, still thinking him being here was too good to be true.

He lifted both hands like a surrendered criminal, both eyebrows raised as he said, “Before you get angry, I can explain.”

“Please do,” she demanded but found herself smiling.

With the wind in his hair, dimples on his cheeks and city light in his eyes, he looked absolutely breathtaking. She couldn’t hate him even if she tried.

Harry exhaled unsteadily through his mouth before mumbling, “Here I go,” and then he was on his knee in front of her.

She didn’t react when he took her cold hand and pressed it against his warm chest. She could feel his heart beating almost in sync with her own.

“Are you surprised?” he asked, chuckling nervously.

She exhaled a quiet laugh and said, “Yes, but also no.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Because I warned you this would happen?”

“Because you warned me this would happen.” Her mouth curved at the corner as she recalled the Oscar night in his LA house, both of them drunk, him on his knee like this, a promise, and how in love she’d felt, almost as much as she did in this very moment.

“Is this too early or too late?” he ventured.

“This is perfect.”

She pressed her lips into a smile, and his green eyes flickered in the semi-darkness. “Well then.” He straightened his back. “Y/N ‘Bambi’ Y/L/N.”

“Yes.” Her voice was so brittle she feared he wouldn’t hear it, her stomach twisted into triple knots, her chest fluttering and her fingers trembling.

He held her gaze as the corner of his mouth arched. “Will you…”

“I swear to God if you’re jok–”

“Marry me,” he blurted, panting as though saying those words had drained all the energy out of him. “Marry me. I want to annoy you for the rest of my life. I want every fight, every laugh, every up and down, every kiss, every touch, everything about you. I will love you until all my teeth fall out, until you finally learn to cook–”

“I’ll never learn to cook.”

“I know,” he chuckled. “Most importantly, I’ll even let you love young Leo a bit more than me, but only sometimes.”

She covered her mouth. What meant to be a laugh came out as a sob.

“I would have written a speech, but I figured you’d roast me for my bad writing, so I’d rather improvise and blame this awful proposal on it being improvised.”

“God, you’re fucking annoying,” she laughed tearily into her hand and he was laughing, too.

Quickly, he got to his feet and tugged her into him. She circled her arms around his waist, her face buried into his chest as she inhaled the scent she’d missed achingly in the last two weeks.

“My girl is such a crybaby,” he said, kissing the top of her head, her temple, her ear, her cheek, her forehead. He kissed and held her until she’d calmed down.

“Yes,” she told him at last, lifting her eyes up to his.

“Yes, you’re a crybaby?”

“Yes, you’re a dumbarse and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life roasting you and yes, I’ll sometimes love young Leo more than you but only sometimes, because you’re the greatest love of my life and I cannot imagine a life without you–”

He stopped her with his lips, his hands tenderly cupping her face as his thumbs moved slowly over her chin, cheeks and jawlines. She’d imagined that their first kiss after two weeks apart would be sexually aggressive and against-the-wall hot, but this kiss was slow and sensual and passionate and full of wanting. It felt like his promise for their future together. One that would last.

[newheart97]

Stress relief (Aziraphale x Reader x Crowley

A/N: Hi! It’s my first time posting here so I hope this works out. Do leave a comment if you have any advice or anything you’d like to share. If you leave aside that tha reader has a bra, then the gender is not specified.

Words: 3100-ish

It had been a really stressful week. Your colleague at your part-time job was sick so your boss had asked -more like, ordered- you to cover for her, which meant more shifts, which meant less time to study for the oncoming university exams, which meant that your anxiety and stress levels were rapidly increasing.

 You just had a night shift, a stressful, long, boring night shift, waiting on rude and drunk customers and having to bear their behaviour with a smile on your face.

By the time you arrived at Aziraphale’s place, it was already 4 in the morning and your alarm was set to wake you up at 8, as you had to be at your university at 9.30 for the only oral exam you had this year. You quietly opened the door of the bookshop and tiptoed to the sofa in the backroom, not wanting to wake up the angel and the demon, if he had decided to spend there the night, and as soon as your head hit the headrest you fell asleep.

After barely four hours of restless sleep and almost none spent going through your notes, you entered the room where the exam was to take place and started exchanging a few words with your fellow students, some sharing information and some sharing your worries.

 At 9.30 sharp, the professor entered the room with a colleague in tow to help him interview the large number of students. The problem was that, even though the number of students was high, the professor had the brilliant idea of NOT separating the exam in two different days and dividing the students between each day, so every student present was left wondering if they would even be able to get everything done that day or they had to come back the next one.

 While waiting for your turn, you felt the phone vibrate in your pocket. You took it out and checked it to see a new text from Crowley.

 C: Where are you?

(Y): At my university, I have an exam, remember?

C: Oh, yeah, that… When will you be done, again?

(Y): Wouldn’t it be great if I could answer you?

C: What?

(Y): I don’t know when I’ll be done, could be an hour, could be two, could be tomorrow for all I know.

C: What do you mean you don’t know?

(Y): It means ‘I do not know’.

 You put your phone momentarily down to check how many students were left -way too many- and just listened to what kind of question were being asked, anxiety raising each time an answer that you should have known decided to flee from your head.

Your phone kept vibrating for a while as you kept trying to ignore it in favour of going through your notes for the millionth time, but in the end, you felt guilty and grabbed it again.

 C: Well, tell me when you’re done.

C: Angel is upset he couldn’t see you off this morning.

C: Keeps saying how he wanted to wish you luck.

C: He’s been pacing for half an hour now ‘cause you’re not back yet.

 Reading all his text made you relax a bit, stress and anxiety forgotten as you thought about your lovers, how you first met them at the bookshop, Crowley coming up behind you saying that you smelt strange -which initially greatly offended you-, how you found out that you were half demon and how they had helped you come to terms with it, all the ups and downs you went through trying to deal with the feelings you had for both of them until you finally confronted them, giving birth to your current relationship.

 Your thoughts were interrupted again by the buzz of your phone. Thinking it was another text from your demon, you hastily opened it without checking the sender, the small smile on your face quickly disappearing when you read the content: it was from your boss.

 B: (Y/N), I need you to take tonight’s shift.

 You were not having it, today was your day off, he couldn’t just tell you that you had to come work out of the blue, especially when you had informed him that you had an important exam.

 (Y): I am sorry, but I don’t think I will be able to come today as I do not know at what time I will be able to leave.

 It seemed a quite reasonable excuse, as you really didn’t know at what time you would be done and even then, you would probably be too exhausted to remember not to be rude to customers.

You received another text and you quickly checked it.

 C: You do know that you don’t even need to be there, right?

 You sighed as you typed the answer, a bit annoyed since you had already had that same conversation at breakfast before your previous exams.

 (Y): Do you really need an answer?

C: Just saying, you’re half demon, you don’t need a degree.

(Y): And as I always tell you, I’m half human, I’ve lived as a human for all my life and I’ll get this damn degree if it’s the last thing I do.

(Y): You can’t just expect me to throw away all these years of hard work.

(Y): Zira has his shop; you got your car. What do I have? I’m just an average student struggling to figure what they want to do with their future who just so happens to be half demon and who hasn’t had time to accomplish anything special.

 For a while, the phone stayed silent and you turned your focus back on the professor and his assistant. It was almost 12.30, which meant lunch break, but just the idea of eating made you nauseous. As the time went by, you started regretting your little outburst, but you didn’t have the strength to apologize right then. The professor stood up and made his way out of the room after declaring that the exam would start again in an hour.

As you got up too, your phone vibrated again and you unlocked it.

 C: You have me and Zira, love.

 Your breath got caught in your throat. Where Aziraphale was quite the sweet talker, showering you with words of love, Crowley was more of a showing-through-actions kind of guy -well, demon- so it was rare for him to call you love. That’s why you knew that he really meant it and that’s why every time he said it your breath hitched and your heartbeat picked up the pace.

You slumped back on your seat and typed the answer.

 (Y): I know and I am forever grateful to whoever decided to make you appear in my life. It’s just that this is one of my last exams, after that there’s graduation and then I can finally close this chapter of my life, my human life, and fully enjoy the new, incredible, amazing chapter that is you guys.

(Y): Sorry for the outburst there, I’m just a bit stressed, what with the exam and the lack of sleep. Let’s not forget my job!

(Y): I just can’t wait to be able to fully focus on my life with you. I love you guys, so so much. I can’t wait to see you after this.

 You put your phone in your backpack and headed to the courtyard to get some fresh air and try to convince yourself that there was nothing to worry about as you did study, you did understand the subject and you would pass with a good grade.

It was almost time to head back into the room when your phone vibrated. You took it out of your backpack and stilled for a second: it was your boss calling, so, even though you really would have preferred ignoring it, you answered.

 “Hello, this is (Y/N) (L/N).”

“You need to come in tonight.” he ordered with a harsh tone without even greeting back.

“I’m really sorry but, as I’ve already told you, I don’t think I can make it, they haven’t said when we’ll be done yet.” you answered trying to keep your calm.

“Either you come, or you’re fired.”

If finding another job was easy then you would have had no restraint and just let your mouth run without filters, speaking your mind without worrying too much. Unfortunately, it wasn’t easy so, with all the willpower you could muster, you tried to keep the conversation civilized.

“You can’t fire me for not coming in on my day off.”

“I can and I will if I don’t see you at 9 sharp.” he threatened and hung up.

 “What?... ugh… I HATE him!” you half shouted, earning strange looks from the few students around you. You huffed and texted Crowley to let him know that you wouldn’t be able to join them for dinner and to not wait up for you. After that you turned off your phone and shoved it in the backpack, your mood completely ruined, hurrying to the classroom, not noticing the dark clouds that were gathering over your head.

 It was 5 in the afternoon and you were still waiting for your turn. As you lazily glanced out the window, you finally noticed how dark the sky had become, darker than it should be at that time of the day. You started cursing the weather forecast guy for saying that it would be sunny and clear all day.

It was nearing the end of the day and the hope of being called was slowly disappearing, while the feeling of having wasted the day doing nothing but wait and worry began making its way to the forefront of your mind, along with the increasing anger at having to go to work when all you wanted to do was cuddle in bed with your angel and your demon boyfriends listening to the various situations they found themselves into, warm and safe in their embrace.

 It was 6.30 and just as you were about to give up and leave, you heard your name being called. After the initial moment of shock and disbelief, wondering if you had heard correctly, you quickly made your way to the desk of the professor.

The questions seemed fairly easy, you answered all of them, but the never-changing expression of the man in front of you left you wandering if you had indeed answered correctly or not. After the last question, when you thought that the torture had finally ended and you would know whether you made it or not, the professor had another surprise for you.

 “Very well. You will know your grade later this evening via e-mail.”

And with that, he started gathering his things and made his way out of the door, leaving a stunned you behind.

You stayed like that a few more seconds before recollecting yourself and checking the time.

 It was 7 and soon the university would close, so you exited the building only to be met with so much rain pouring down that you wondered if God decided to drown humanity again.

You decided to head for your devilish boyfriend’s apartment, as it was closer, to take a quick shower and change your clothes. As you bravely took the first step out of the door, head tilted down to shelter your eyes, the rain that you expected to pour down on you never came.

You lifted your gaze to see a hand holding an umbrella over your head and finally the dark sunglasses hiding the yellow snake-eyes of the man the hand belonged to. The smile with which he greeted you made you want to crumble to the floor and just hug and keep him close.

 “Figured you hadn’t an umbrella with you.” he told you with a small smirk.

 Suddenly all words escaped your mind and you just hugged him, him embracing you with one arm and leaning down to place a kiss on your head. Relishing in his warmth, you whispered a soft ‘thank you’ and stayed there a few more seconds as he just kept hugging you, not forcing you to say anything.

When you finally pulled away, he smiled at you once more and led you to his Bentley. Once there you turned to him.

 “Crow, can you take me to your place? I should still have some clothes there.”

Instead of answering, he just grinned like a child who knows they did something they shouldn’t have done, going the opposite way.

“Crowley, what are you doing? I have to be at work at 9.” you insisted.

“Not really.” he nonchalantly answered while narrowly avoiding a pedestrian.

You knew then and then that he had done something and that most likely you just had become jobless.

Having accepted it as a reality you sighed and calmly asked

“What have you done?”

“Let’s just say the you won’t need to go there anymore.”

‘Well, what’s done it’s done, I guess’ you thought, but there was still one problem: you weren’t heading for the bookshop either.

“Where are you taking me, then?”

Not to your surprise, he didn’t answer your question and limited himself to raising the volume when Bohemian Rhapsody came along.

 After half an hour of reckless and aimless driving, you finally parked in front of the bookshop. You were confused but before you could even take one step inside, the demon stopped you, mad you turn around and quickly blindfolded you.

 “What are you doing, Crowley?!” you whisper-shouted even more confused.

“Trust me.” he whispered in your ear, sending shivers down your spine, your cheeks heating up a bit.

“Trust a demon? Now that’s quite the request, isn’t it?” you asked, trying to hide your embarrassment.

 He just chuckled as a response and began leading you on the path to what your feet memorised as the room they had previously miracled for you. As you approached the room, you could hear the light shuffle of footsteps and feel the fire’s warmth enveloping you.

Crowley stopped you and took off your blindfold. In front of you, in the middle of the room stood your angel, a warm smile adorning your face. As soon as he opened his arms you jumped straight into his loving embrace, soon joined by the snake, sandwiching you between the two celestial beings, engulfing you in their love.

You all pulled back and Crowley made you sit on the blanket and cushions covered floor.

 “Would you like a cup of hot chocolate, love?” Aziraphale asked while pointing at the two mugs standing on the small coffee table in front of you, next to a bottle of red wine.

“Yes, definitely, thank you Zira.” you thanked him, grabbing one of the mugs.

 They then sat near you and for a while you just chatted a bit while sipping on chocolate, your boyfriends careful not to mention the happenings of the day.

When you finished the chocolate, your mood the best it’d been in a while, the atmosphere was momentarily interrupted by your phone ringing. You sighed and looked at your lovers, silently asking permission to go check. After they assured you that it was alright, you forced yourself to stand up and go. You did so silently and just as silently you put your phone back down after turning it off and turned around with an unreadable expression on your face.

Worried, your boyfriends approached you, sharing a look.

 “What’s wrong, dear?”

Hearing the angel’s concerned voice, you snapped back to reality and after looking at the both of them you beamed.

“I did it! I passed!” you exclaimed before throwing yourself at them.

 They relaxed and congratulated you, the serpent saying that he knew you had nothing to worry about while Aziraphale patted your head. You went back to the cushions you were sitting on previously with your angelic boyfriend while Crowley headed out of the room, claiming that he was going to get some more wine to celebrate.

 “Love, don’t take it the wrong way, but may I ask you to remove your shirt?”

��Now, that was an unusual request from the principality, but after looking at him with eyes wide in surprise and him explaining that it wasn’t what you thought with reddened cheeks, you complied with his demand. He made you lay on your stomach just as you heard Crowley make his way into the room again.

He set what you assumed to be the bottles on the table and passed one to Aziraphale, only that, from what you could see, it was too little to be a bottle of wine. As you were wondering, you felt warm fingers on your back as they gently unclasped your bra. You turned your head ready to ask what was going on to the demon, but when you opened your mouth you gasped at a cold liquid being poured on your back.

 Crowley chuckled and watched as realization came across your features and when the angel’s hands began working their magic, he witnessed how you melted, relaxing completely. He soon tugged your pants, wanting to join in on the pleasure-giving work of Aziraphale.

And there you were, only in your underwear and with two pair of hands on your body releasing all the knots the stress had created, your mind in a stated in-between consciousness and dreamland. They kept up the good work until they considered their mission a complete success. Slowly, you felt their hands leaving your body, a small whine escaping your lips, making the beings above you chuckle a bit.

 “Don’t worry.” Aziraphale whispered while helping you get up from your relaxed position.

As you were trying to clasp back your bra, Crowley leaned in, kissing you just below your ear.

“I know another way to release your stress.” he said, kissing along your neck and finishing with a bite that promised more to come.

“Well, I can’t wait.” you answered as you tried to stand up only to stumble back down again, your legs feeling like jelly.

“…though, I fear that you’ll have to carry me, your massage left me boneless.”

 Your lovers chuckled, the serpent smirking a bit, and Aziraphale proceeded to pick you up and carry you princess style. As you reached your shared bedroom, he gently laid you on the bed.

Useless to say that you didn’t have much sleep that night either but, as you woke up between your lovers, you felt all tiredness leave your body, filling it with love for the ones who turned your life in a beautiful unpredictable mess.

 “I love you.” you whispered softly to the sleeping beings.

“We love you too.” they answered back wrapping their arms around you.

[manireads]

freelancer, changkyun x reader 1-4

word count : 9.1 k

changkyun x reader

hacker au/mafia au (eventually)

an: it’s been a minute but i rewrote the parts of freelancer i didn’t like and added on the fourth part. you can think of this a prologue for the new direction i want to take this series. i’ll be posting more about that later. but for now i hope you enjoy. 

also i would love some feedback as well. 

                                                       ~*~

If I take a double shift tomorrow and then we wish on a star, all our dreams come true, and he actually gets a paid project, we might be able to pay our bills without having to sell my left kidney.’ She watched the ramen in the pot cook. Her mind wandered off to other things and soon she began to absentmindedly stir the noodles. Y/N was startled out of her thoughts, as she heard the sound of the front door to her studio apartment slam shut followed by the voice of her boyfriend, Changkyun. 

“Hey,” Before she knew it he was behind her, his chin resting on her shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist. “How was your day? Anything happen at the restaurant?” She felt safe with him around and being close with him after a stressful day made her worries fade away, temporarily. 

“It was alright. I did trip and dropped a bunch of plates in the kitchen so that was fun” She said slightly joking, but the slight throbbing in her back reminded her that as funny as it was, it hurt more than she laughed. 

“I keep telling out that you have to get rid of those old sneakers. The bottoms are so flat, there’s no grip on them.” He chuckled, his laugh deep and hearty. He nuzzled his face into the side of her neck, his breath tickling her skin. 

“I can’t do that. Converse looks better the more you wear them and the more worn they get.” 

“You’ve had those since high school.”

“Exactly, you can’t get all those years of dirt and grime back.” 

“That’s gross.” He said moving away from her, making his way to the small sofa on the other side of the room. He plopped down on it, sighing loudly. He was relieved to finally be home. The days that he had to spend that outside the comfort of his own couch, were undeniably the worst. But you have to make money to live, right?

“I would get a new pair but we just can’t afford to spend money on new sneakers like that right now.” Y/N finished the ramen bringing the pot over to the couch, along with two cans of sodas that she had picked up earlier. She tossed one to to him before placing the pot on the coffee table in front of the sofa and taking a seat next to him. 

“Speaking of money,” Changkyun groaned, knowing exactly where the conversation was going. He really didn’t want to get into an argument today. Quickly, he leaned forward stuffing his face with ramen trying to avoid conversation all together. “Oh, come on Changkyun,” he looked at her mouth full and cheeks puffed out, looking at her with feigned innocence. “We have to talk about this.” 

He chewed his food and swallowed before looking at her, “Yeah but not tonight, alright?” He said before giving her a kiss right on her closed lips, a smile spread across his face as she agreed in a less enthusiastic way. The both leaned back into the couch, slowly sinking into it. His thoughts became consumed with the show that was playing on the laptop that sat on a stool right across the coffee table. Y/N unfortunately couldn’t get into the t.v. show. She was too busy thinking about everything Changkyun wasn’t. 

When Y/N looks back on their relationship, she never thought that this is where they would be. She honestly thought that they would have broken up at the end of high school. She didn’t think that they were going to last as long as they did when he asked her out at the beginning of their first year. But time after time, Changkyun stuck with her and in turn she became attached as well. But when third year started to come to a close, she knew that it was coming to an end. Changkyun had started to talk about moving away from their home town and all the plans that he had had for his future. The more he talked about it, the more she realized that she wasn’t included and at first it didn’t bother her, but as it started to sink in she realized that she really loved him and was too attached to say goodbye so soon. 

She would remain silent about it in front of him. But when he wasn’t around, she started to look up all the places mentioned. She even started to plan out what compromises for the two of them. One where she could go to her dream school and not be too far away from him was impossible, so that was out. A long distance relationship was out of the question, she barely could text him regularly and they were with each other everyday. The only option was to move out of their hometown together. But she didn’t want to intrude on his plans, so she had to talk to him. It was probably the most awkward conversation they have ever had but it was the most important.

 At the end of it all, Y/N found that he always wanted her to be by his side but he was afraid she wouldn’t want to because she seemed destined to do bigger and better. Y/N had scholarships to some of the best colleges in the country lined up and waiting for her. Her passion being the arts, she could have studied anywhere she wanted and had a foot up in that difficult industry. Your future was waiting for you and he knew that he couldn’t keep up. So he never mentioned how he wanted to be with you after graduation. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be enough for you, and sometimes he still feels this way when he can’t give you everything you need and want. So in true Changkyun fashion, instead of talking about it he’d rather ignore the feelings in his heart and the thoughts racing in his mind. He acted like everything was okay, for her.

After hours of binge watching some show, the both of them were too brain fired to take in another second. Y/N went to clean up their dinner and Changkyun closed down the laptop and packed it away with his other equipment. Changkyun seemed smart enough that Y/n thought now would be a good idea to talk to him now. She’d known him for years now and knows that to get him to listen would be during his sleepiest moments. She couldn’t outsmart him when he was wide awake but when he was on his way to la la land was her time to strike. He’d talk to her and promise her things during their pillow talk and in the morning she’d hold him to it. She wished that she wouldn’t have to use such secret tactics to get to him but it was really her only way. 

“Babe,” She started noticing his sleepy walk as he carried himself to the bathroom and she followed. “The month is almost up and I don’t think we are going to make it.” 

“We’ll make it, love. Don’t worry.” His muffled voice came out as he started to brush his teeth. You followed him and started as well not dropping the subject. Through muffled voices she let him know that her paycheck wouldn’t be enough. He finished first and washed his face before heading to the bed. 

“Okay, I get it. And I am trying to do a little more. You know I’m just a free-”

“A freelancer, yes I know. But the stipend that that company gives you is not enough. They rarely give you any jobs since the first couple of months there. If you're a freelancer, you should be able to work for anyone who pays.” You said coming out of the bathroom to sit across from him on the couch. Sinking into the cushions you watched him as he sat with his back against the wall and  his phone in his hand as he typed away.

“Yeah, but I signed an exclusive contract with them for the rest of the year and if I were to pull out then there goes my only source of reliable income. I want to leave honestly but It would be even worse for us because I’d have nothing to give.” He sighed, closing his phone and tossing it to the side. He looked at Y/N with tired eyes. She knew how hard he worked and she hated having this conversation more than anyone else. She never wanted to pressure him but she had to stay headstrong. 

“Okay, what about that other thing you were talking about maybe a couple a months ago. Your friend DK was working on it right? What ever happened to that?” 

“It didn't really pan out. They didn’t need me and it was just a start up so I don’t think I would have been getting paid much either way.” You both stared at each other. He could see the frustration in her eyes. “But,” He offered carefully. “I do have something coming my way. It's just going to take time before I can actually get paid for it.”

“Changkyun, how many times are you going to tell her that before you actually do get paid.”

“Hopefully not again. I’m already breaking my company contract so I’m risking a lot already. I know it’s been tough but this time it will be good. They are really serious about the work they want done and I can do it. We just have to wait until I actually finish the job.” 

“So what do we do now, Changkyun? We need money and we need it fast. I doubt that Ms. Choi is going to let us pay the rent in a couple weeks late again. She’ll kick us out, then what will we do, huh?” She could feel her voice cracking and her eyes watering. She hated this feeling more than anything. It was like she was stuck between wanting to protect him and his fantasy that somehow they’d be okay and the harsh reality that they were screwed. He looked at her knowing that she could burst out in tears at any moment. He scooted up to the edge of the bed holding his arms out.

“Come here. You know I hate to see you cry.” She got up and walked over to him becoming entrapped as he wrapped his arms around her hips. Pressing his head into her stomach, they stayed like this for a long moment. “I’m going to make this right to you, I promise.” At his promise he looked up at her. “Someday, you’ll never have to cry over money again. We’ll be so rich that our kids will have those cute little motor cars and they’ll drive them around our huge backyard of our mansion. When they get speed, we’ll have a hired policeman give them little tickets that they could pay.” He smiled as he saw the edges of the mouth curl up into a little smile. “That’s how rich we’ll be. I swear. I just need a little more time” 

“Our kids?” Y/N asked with a slight chuckle. She wanted to continue to argue but she couldn't find the strength when he looked at her like that.

“Yeah, I mean  if you want kids. I would love to have a little baby that looks like you but I could teach to code like me .”

“Hey, I can code some things! My old tumblr, I did that all by myself.” She giggled hitting him on his shoulder. 

“Okay but when I try and show you other things, you can never get it.” The two of them moved further into the bed, lying down as the exhaustion of the day caught up with them. 

“Yeah, past tumblr it gets too hard, so I give up.” She smiled and moved his hair out of his face. “I love you, you know that, right?”

“You wouldn’t be dealing with me if you didn’t.” 

“You got that right.” They both chuckled.

“I love you too.” He replied as he both of them got comfy under the covers and swiftly fell asleep. It was late into the night when the bed started to vibrate. It woke Y/N slightly but as she opened her eyes slightly, she noticed it was still dark outside. Changkyun on the other hand was wide awake from the vibrations. Quickly, he found his phone that was responsible for waking them. Y/N couldn’t see who had called him, opting to try and fall back asleep. Changkyun, however, picked up as soon as he realized who called. In a hushed voice he talked to the other person, from time to time he would look over to Y/N, hoping he hadn’t been too loud and woke her up. Changkyun and the person on the phone agreed on something and He asked for the address to be texted to him and with that, the phone call ended. Changkyun laid there for only a second debating whether or not to let her know that he was heading out. He decided against it and tried to get out of the bed as silently as possible. He quietly moved around the room packing up his laptop and some other equipment into his backpack. Shuffling into his sneakers, he looked at you sound asleep. He knew he had to do this for her. For them. He exited the apartment making his way out into the night, not knowing that when closed to the door Y/N rolled over in the bed to stare at the door.

 “Where in the hell can he be going at 3am in the morning?”

                                                        ~*~

The rest of the week had gone on like this. Changkyun would wake up at mysterious times to a phone, have a brief conversation and then slip into the night with his work bag slung across his back. Y/N tried not to let it bother her too much but how could she ignore it when they shared a bed together and Changkyun wasn’t the smoothest getting out of it. For the first couple of days, she’d wake up to the feeling of the phone vibrating, keeping her eyes closed to pretend she was sleeping. She’d try and listen in on the hushed conversations had but nothing really came from it. She did get caught once, it was Thursday morning and she was moving a bit too much for Changkyun to not notice.

“Hold on,” he said into the phone. She immediately became rigid in the bed, hoping that I could play it off as if I had just woke up. He leaned forward hovering over her. His shallow breath fanning over her face as he looked for any signs to tell that she was awake. And although her body was still, her closed eyes still moved around. A slight worry entered his brain, had she heard him? “Baby, did I wake you up?”

Her first instinct was to smile and break out in a giggle, like a child who was caught red handed. With his face so close to hers, it was nearly impossible not to. But with all of her might, she calmed the giggling child. Y/N opened her eyes slowly, her face scrunched up, pretending that she had just woke up and had to wait for her eyes to adjust. She even stretched her body in hopes that Changkyun would believe it.

“Hmm?” She asked, as if she hadn’t heard him shuffling about. She looks at him, the moonlight from our window lighting up his face. His eyes glistened as he looked down on her with a soft but concerned gaze. Swiftly, her eyes flicker away from his face and she can see his phone in his hand that was resting on his thigh, his other arm I was under the pillow my head was laying on. He was on another call. She squinted her eyes trying to see the caller ID but  wasn’t quick enough because he realized what caught her attention, and moved the phone away from view. She looked back up at him with a small pout on her face.

“Sorry about that,” He chuckled in a hushed tone. “I was playing a game.” He kissed her underneath her right eye. The sweet gesture caused a bubbling feeling in her chest. She couldn’t stop the small grin on her face. “I’m sorry I woke you up.” He leaned down and kissed her again, this time on her forehead. She breathes in his scent, their soap and hints of his favorite cologne that he got as a present for graduation and uses sparingly. Wood sage and sea salt.

“Why are you up so late?” She asked, as she attempted to muster up as much of a groggy voice that she could.

“I woke up but couldn’t fall asleep, so I was just on my phone.” He answered, placing his lips by her ear before whispering, “Go back to bed, I’ll be right here.” She nodded, turning back over to face the windows. With no curtain, the light from outside entered the tiny apartment, casting a blue hue over everything. He slipped his arm from underneath her and waited until she closed her eyes again. He let go of the breath that he was holding, before scooting down and off the bed.  Phone still in hand, he shuffled to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. She waited a moment before sitting up in bed, looking at the bathroom door.

Unfortunately, the walls weren’t thin enough that she could eavesdrop on him from the bed, only being able to catch murmurs of the conversation from where she was laying. She sat there staring at the door, the light shining from underneath the bottom, the door knob almost shining. It teased her, ‘open the door, confront him.’ Scenarios of what would happen when he exited ran through her head. Would she get up and yell at him? Let him know everything that’s been running through her mind. Demand to know who he’s been talking to every night, where he’s been going, and why? Hell, if she moved fast enough she could barge in there right now and ask the person on the phone herself.

She had almost made up her mind to do it but heard the sound of the sink running and laid back down back in the bed, eyes closed shut instantly. The squeaky door opened again and Changkyun cautiously stepped out. Believing that she had fallen asleep again, let out a shaky sigh. He walked around the full sized bed, to the dresser that was on her side of the bed. He pulls his usual work clothes, a white button up, one of the three ties that he owns, and a pair of black slacks. He checks if they are clean before putting them into his work bag, along with his laptop and a pair of dress shoes. He changed into his regular clothing, a flannel and jeans. He looked down to his side at her, the light on her looked so soft and calming. As much as he wanted to lay back down he couldn’t. He had somewhere to be. He leaned over her again and kissed her on her lips ever so softly, careful not to wake her up. “I love you” he whispered before standing up again. Changkyun grabs his keys, wallet, and phone, putting them into his pockets. He spares her one last look making sure she’s fast asleep and knows nothing of this late night departure. He shoves his feet in his sneakers and walks out of the apartment, silently closing and locking the door behind him. His pace is fast as he makes his way out of the apartment complex. Once out of the courtyard and on the street, he shifts the bag on his back and pulls up the hood on his hoodie, effectively blending himself in with the shadows.

Back in the studio apartment, she lays there eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. Tear brimming and threatening to escape her as moments pass by.

If you love me  so fucking much then why are you lying to me ?

                                                        ~*~

It’s a chilly spring day, the people outside are making their way around Seoul, dressing in their light coats and bright colors to match the time of year. Trees are starting to sprout flowers in soft white and pink colors. The brightens everything making everything seem a little washed out of color, life a filter has been placed over the world. The cold breeze swept through the city streets shaking blossoms off tree limbs and sent them sailing through the air. The day was nearly picture perfect. 

With the weather being so nice, a change from the onslaught of rain recently, Y/N felt like it was the perfect time for her to get out of the house and meet with her friends again. She hadn’t had the time to do so in a while because of all the extra work that she had to do. She ended up paying a majority of her rent on time. Her landlord was annoyed but gracious enough to let her pay off the rest when she had the rest of the money, which she did a week later. With a bit of extra cash in her pocket that she didn’t usually have, Y/N decided to treat herself. She’d worked her ass off the past three weeks and deserved it. Hoping to take her mind  off the whole Changkyun ordeal, She contacted her closest friends two days prior. They planned to spend the whole day out, shopping and eating, so that they wouldn’t get caught up watching dramas inside like they usually do. It was 12:30 pm and she sat in the little cafe that Soobin worked in, sipping on a latte and eating one of the small pre-wrapped sandwiches that could pick up near the register. The place was a bohemian inspired with mismatched furniture of all different patterns, styles, and color. Plants hung all over the interior of the cafe, some cute little succulents and other long sprawling plants with huge leaves. Somehow, it still flowed together nicely and gave off a very homey feel. One that Y/N was quite familiar with after visiting the cafe so regularly. Soobin was surprised to see Soojung and Y/N when the two had walked through the door earlier. The girls had promised to meet up after her shift but Sojung had complained in the group chat about how hungry she was and they decided that they could probably get some free food and drinks out of Soobin. 

Halfway through brunch, that was turning into more of a lunch at this point, Sojung asked Y/N about Changkyun. She tried to keep it light and casually but was tired of keeping her thoughts in my head. She needed someone to talk to about the secret calls and disappearing. Y/N couldn't help but tell her  everything. Every little detail came spilling out of her mouth. After every question she asked her closest friend,  she hoped they’d tell me that she was overreacting. But a little voice in her head answered instead. ‘No, it’s not normal. Yes, there is something wrong.’ She couldn’t stop the feeling of being so helpless in those moments. After letting everything out, she tried to pass it off as if it wasn't bothering her as much as it did inside. However, Sojung had no intentions of letting it go. She knew there was something deeper going on.

                                                        ~*~

"All that and you haven't said a word to him?" Sojung asked me. I shook my head while I took a sip of my coffee. 

"Nope. I just don't know where he is going and I don't want to be that type of girlfriend, you know?" I placed the cup down on the table. 

She looked at me with wide eyes, completely surprised. I groaned out running my hands through my hair before letting my head hit the table. It was almost like I could hear what she was going to say to me, mainly because I've already been telling myself the same thing. 'You need to say something! You can't just let him walk all over you. If something is bothering you in your relationship, then you should speak up.' It wasn't long before Soobin came over to join us with a small tray with some pastries on it and more coffee. 

"Alright," She placed the tray on the table and took a seat with us. "I'm finally off. I hate morning shifts with a passion but I make the most in tips. Also, if you too keep on coming here for free food, My boss is going to figure you two out. Anyway, what did I miss?" I was going to tell her nothing but,

"Changkyun is cheating on Y/N!"

"He’s what?!"

"He is not!" I retort back, lifting my head looking at the two of them. Soobin looked at me with a similar surprised look that Sojung had earlier. "He's not," I say, looking at Sojung challenging her. She rolls her eyes and goes to take another sip from her own mug. "He would never. You know he's not that type of guy. He's just acting weird." I mumble. I didn't want to believe that Changkyun could possibly cheat on me. But no matter how much I tried, my mind always ended up on that conclusion.

"Sure." Sojung placed her cup on the table. She pursed her lips. "Soobin," She turned to her, her body language showing that she didn’t want my input. "If Hyunjung was getting weird phone calls in the middle of the night and then after getting these calls, she jumped out of bed at two am in the morning and just left the house, not waking you up to even tell you where she was going, then doesn't come home until after work, what would you think she was up to, huh?" The whole time while Sojung talked I wanted to interrupt but she wasn't embellishing the truth. That was everything that I was going through for the past three weeks.

"Well, I'd ..." She stopped talking, taking the moment to look over at me with sad eyes. " Oh honey," She started.

"Not you too!" I leaned back in my chair, my eyes meeting the ceiling.

"Y/N, it sounds like he's doing something he doesn't want you to know about. What else could it be?" She sounded so concerned for me but I didn't want to be pitied. I looked back at the two of them, fixing my posture in the chair.

"I don't know what it could be but I can't just come out and accuse him of something like that. I mean, what if he isn't. You wouldn't be happy if Hyunjung just came out and called you a cheater, right?"

"Yeah, but Soobin isn't giving Hyunjung a reason to worry, unlike Changkyun." Sojung budded in making another point that I couldn't refute. All I could do was look at her hoping she would stop being so right about this.

"Have you even asked him about all of this?" From my expression, Soobin could tell what the answer was. Her mouth dropped open. I could understand the shock from my friends. It really wasn't like me to not say something when I was bothered. But this had to do with Changkyun. I'm always so afraid to lose him since we graduated. I always felt like we weren't supposed to make it past that last year of high school. All of it was borrowed time and eventually the two of us were going to be forced to separate ways. It feels inevitable but I just don't want it to be now. Not while I'm still so in love with him.

"Okay, I'll ask him about it tonight when he comes home. Until then can we please drop it, I came out with my friends to get away from all of that."

"You're really going to talk to him?" Soobin asked. Sojung was watching me intently. I nodded my head. I knew I really wasn't but I just wanted to let it go and enjoy the rest of my day.  Soobin seemed to accept my answer but Sojung was still silent. We stared at each other until she finally broke.

"Fine. We'll drop it but I want an update after you do."

"Yes, mom." It was my turn to roll my eyes and Soobin giggled. From there, we ate the rest of our food and decided to roam around Hongdae seeing if there was a place to do some shopping. We eventually came across this quaint boutique. We spent the afternoon trying outfits for the next time we would go out together. It'd be a nightclub, so we wanted to look as good as possible. I ended up with a couple nice things, a few sweaters, t-shirts, a pair of jeans, and a nice party dress. They were out of season but they were all on the clearance rack so I didn't break the bank. After all the shopping, we decided to grab something else to eat before parting ways. Sojung was the first to go, leaving Soobin and I walking towards the train station.

"Don't punk out okay. Just ask him where he's been going and let him know that it bothers you a lot." I nodded leaning in and gave her a hug.

"Tell Hyunjung I said hi, okay? Love you." I said, releasing her from the hug.

"I love you too. Don't forget" She said pointing at me as she made her way to the steps of the station.

“I won't, now go before you miss your train." I waved before she disappeared down the steps.  It wasn't much of a walk home from there. But I dreaded getting home more than anything. I stopped at the convenience store to waste time. Looking through the aisles picking up some chips, candy and even a bottle of soju.

An aisle over, there was a man with wild brown picking out some bags of chips. I can't help but smile at his hairstyle thinking that he might have jumped out of bed and came to the convenience store. Deciding to mind my business, I pick up two bottles of soju and make my way to the counter.

"Is this all?" the cashier asks. I nodded as he started to bag up my items. While he does that, I notice somebody beside me. It's the same man with wild hair. I take in his face quickly, the small cross tattoo by his eye and his overall outfit allude to the hair being more of a style choice than a circumstance. "That'll be ₩20,000." Immediately, I start rummaging through my bag. Each moment becomes more frantic because I can't find my wallet.

"I got it. I'll pay for both of them together.” He says, pushing his items closer to the cashier.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t put a dent in my pocket.” Pulling out a card from his wallet and holding it up for the cashier to see. He turned to me with a toothy grin and I smiled back politely. After paying for both his and my stuff, he handed me my bag.

"Thank you, that was really kind of you."

"No problem." He said simply and we both walked out of the store. "Welp, good night." He said making a small salute with his hands before walking the way I just came from.

"Good night." I say back to him and turn to walk in the opposite way. I let out a sigh when I deem we are far enough from each other. I didn’t want to have to explain to him why just because he brought my snacks, I didn’t owe him my phone number or my time, especially when I didn’t ask him to pay for it in the first place. But the fact that had just left me to go on my merry way made me smile. Guess he just wanted to be nice to someone.

The whole interaction almost made me forget what I had promised my friends earlier. It wasn't until I was a block away from my apartment complex that I could see the light on from the 5th apartment on the third floor. Changkyun was already home.

                                                        ~*~

Walking up the stairs to our apartment, I can feel my body getting lighter and lighter with each step, to the point I started to feel light headed. I wanted to run back down the stairs and hide away. Anything to prolong the confrontation I knew would come. But I didn’t have that option. My friends would just send me right back home. I pressed on after catching my breath at the top of the staircase. The words that I had planned for Changkyun left my mind as I neared the door. Quickly I reshuffle the bags in my hand and dig through my purse to find my keys, but failed to get them out. Letting out a sigh, I lift my hand to knock on the door. I really wanted to at least put my stuff down before we started talking.

From the door, I could hear Changkyun shuffle around in the apartment and his feet dragging to the door. “Who is it?” I could hear him ask, his face probably pressed against the door to look out the peephole.

“It’s me, Changk-”

“Sorry, I didn’t order any pizza.” 

“Changkyun, it’s not pizza.”

“Oh? No pizza? Then you must be one of those toaster salesman, huh?”

“Oh my god, Chang. You are so annoying.” I drone out with a dramatic eye roll. I have to hold myself from smiling though. Changkyun likes to play this game whenever I lock myself out of our home. 

“Wait! You’re one of those cult recruiters, aren’t you?”

“Open the damn door! My arms hurt and the soju is getting warm.” I say giving the door a little kick. Swiftly the door opens up and Changkyun is standing there in his pj’s, wire glasses, and tousled hair. 

“Soju? You’re definitely trying to get me to join a cult.” We both share a small laugh as I make my way through the door. “Woah, big baller, what did you get? And did you get me something?” He asked me to take my shopping bags from me and take a quick look through them.

“Just some jeans and tops. I didn’t really get you anything but if you want, there is a cute little dress you can have.” I said with a joking smile plopping down on the bed, shedding my jacket from my shoulders. He came over and pulled the jacket away from me and planted a kiss on my forehead.

“As hot as I would look in a dress, teal isn’t my color.” He walked away with my jacket in hand and turned to hang it up. Watching him, I laid out on our bed. He shoots me a goofy smile as he busies himself around the kitchen. “Ooo, peach flavored? Nice.” He says as he stashes the bottles of soju in the fridge. “It’ll be a good nightcap after we eat dinner. Have you eaten already?” He asks moving towards the small kitchenette. I grunt a ‘no’ to him and he hums and nods. “Good because I cooked dinner for us.” 

“You cooked?” I asked in a mocking tone, sitting up slightly.

“Oh shut up, I am not that bad at cooking.” 

“You forgot to put water in your ramen.” I deadpan.

“That was once!”

“Twice.”

“Okay, but did you die?” I don’t respond to him, too amused by his persistence and he takes it as a win, “Exactly.”

The rest of the evening went on quite simply. Changkyun served up a pretty decent dinner. It wasn’t ramen so I was generally impressed, however it wasn’t completely cooked by him. Later in the night while cleaning, I noticed a very convenient rotisserie chicken container in the trash. We finally wound down after talking about our days and him enthusiastically telling me a story about a man and his parrot that he saw on the train in the morning. 

“And then he would stop the baby talking with the parrot and he wasn’t quiet either. I heard him all the way across the train car.”

“Oh god, that’s weird.”

“Yeah, I’m scarred for life.” With that he got up from his seat next to me, taking out a bottle of the alcohol to pour both of us a glass. The room went silent for a moment as Changkyun tried to get the top off, the only thing that came to mind was the conversation with my friends earlier today. It was time to confront him even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. It was now or never. 

“Hey, Chang?”

“Mm?” He hummed, still focused on the bottle. 

“I need to talk to you about something.” 

“So, uh,” He turned to me, watching as I tried to gather my thoughts. “How’s work going?” He turned back to the counter finishing his task.

“Uh, it's going good.”

“That's good.”

“Yeah.”

“I was wondering if things were okay, because I've noticed you leave pretty early now.” 

“Oh, I don't wake you up do I?”

“Uh, no. Not really. It's just that you aren't here when I wake any more.”

“Right. I've been meaning to talk to you about that.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, so,” He pauses, then comes to sit next to me. “I've kinda got the opportunity to work on this new project thing.”

“Really?” My eyes light up with excitement, this wasn’t what I was expecting to hear tonight.

“Yup and pays really well. I know we kinda struggle with all that but I think this could change things for us.” I nod, almost smiling a bit. The thought of things getting better financially for us is something I've been working towards for so long. For a while it felt like I was working alone with  Changkyun so focused on his computers that he would spend his last dollar on updating his pc all the time. But now our future was a concern for him too and I was happy about it. That’s where the conversation ended, as the two of us drank and joked around until we both fell asleep. 

Sorry Sojung. 

                                                        ~*~

The next morning was the same as it had been the weeks before. Y/N woke up to his side of the bed empty. She’d go through her own morning routine, make her way to work and back home, just to wait around for Changkyun to come home and the two of them to fall asleep. Then the cycle would repeat over again. But things felt different from before. There was no more wondering, no more anxiety, right? She knew where he was. Or did she? Even though Changkyun had given her an answer,it didn’t sit right with her. Thinking about it too much almost made her stomach turn, so she tried not to. If this new found ignorance was supposed to be bliss, then why wasn’t she feeling that. Why was this question still gnawing at her. Taking up so much space in her thoughts that it was hard to be left alone with them. 

Somehow, She got through the next three weeks without saying a word to him about it. All she did to quell the turmoil was to listen in to his early morning phone calls if she could. Unfortunately, it didn’t help her. It was practically driving her insane to hear him whisper so secretly. They never had kept anything from each other. Living in such a small apartment makes it nearly impossible. 

But she swore she’d let it go. And she almost did, but one phone call she had overheard sent her over the edge. 

“No, I’m at home.” Changkyun was hushed about it and turned over to face the wall. “It’s fucking- “ he pulled the phone away from his face to check the time squinting before putting the phone back to his face again. “1 am. The hell are you calling me so early?” Changkyun stretched his neck as he listened to the person on the other side of the phone, a smile gracing his lips. He couldn’t help the low chuckle that escaped him. 

“Aww, You’re that needy for me?” He teased the person on the other side.

A chilling sense swims through her body. This was it. This was what she needed to finally stop that internal gnawing feeling. But unfortunately, it was replaced with another one. The feeling of absolute dread. This was what she wanted, the undeniable proof that he was seeing someone else this whole time. Y/N felt as if she could burst into tears right there but she didn’t. The emotion mixing with the dread wasn’t the sadness she hoped for but was anger coursing within her veins. She just wanted to hear the truth come out of his mouth. As angry as she was, she wanted to see if he’d lie in her face or would he own up to his actions. She listened until he was done on the phone. He had made arrangements to meet a couple blocks away in 15 minutes. Changkyun moved out of bed slowly. She could feel how careful he was, trying not to bother her. Little did he know, She thought.

Swiftly, he gathered all the things he needed, his jacket, laptop, clothes for his actual job, and mask to cover his face, like he would for every night prior. He was slowly unlocking the front door, trying not to make any loud noises, when Y/N sat up abruptly. From the surprised look on his face she had caught him red handed and she wouldn’t let him get away. 

“Where are you going?” She asked. Her voice was clear and assertive. She tried to not to give any clues that she had listened in on his phone call.

“Y/N? Why are you up?” He dodged her question, his voice coming out a little shaky.

“I heard you get up so I woke up. But where are you going?” She asked again. 

“To work. I told you this already.” He made a move to open up the door but heard her shift in the bed more, so he stopped. He hoped she’d accept his answer and just lay back down but it didn’t seem like things were going to be going his way. 

“Yeah, but it’s one am. You said you leave here around seven.”

“I know but uh,” He looked back down at his phone in his hand, he was running out of time. “Can we talk about it tonight babe? I really have to go.”

“No, we can’t talk later.” She pushed the covers off of herself and stood up to confront him face to face. She maneuvered her way in between him and the exit to stop him. “Why did you lie to me? Just tell me where you are going.”

“I can’t. I really can’t. We’ll talk later tonight. I promise.” He tried to place a kiss on her forehead but before it could land, she pushed him back. 

“I’m not going to be here tonight or ever again if you don’t answer me.” 

He seems scared and she’s shocked at her own tenacity. He stood there waiting for her to say something to him. 

“Who is she?”

“What?

“You heard me, who is the other person that you’ve been talking to all the time. You sneak out of our home to go see in the middle of the night. Who?” She was getting more and more upset by the way he acted as if she couldn’t see what was happening. The churning in her stomach had produced a heat that was inescapable as it rose in her chest and to her neck.  

“You think I’m cheating on you?” Changkyun took a step back and looked at Y/N bewildered. Never in his life did he think that she could accuse him of such a thing. He turns away from her in shock, facing the other side of the room.

“Obviously, you’ve been acting suspicious for a little over a month now. What am I supposed to think?” She crosses her arms. She made her point and now the ball was in his court. 

But when Changkyun turns around , it’s Y/N turn to be taken back as he looks at her in a way she’s never seen before. Changkyun looked at her with so much anger that it sent a shiver through her. His jaw was taught as if he was holding back the words he really wanted to say but chose not to. Instead, he shifts his bag over his shoulder and walks up to her, and directly into her face says, “I’m not having this conversation with you. Go to bed.” Before shoving past her and leaving. 

She turned to see him leave, grimacing as the door slammed. She wants to chase after him but her feet won’t move. 

And now, she was alone in the apartment. She stood there in shock as everything started to process in her mind. The feeling that she was expecting finally came flooding in and teas poured from her eyes. She crawls back on to the bed and sits in the corner with her back against the wall. She grabs a pillow and starts to sob into it. Y/N never thought that their relationship would become so riddled with secrets and lies. She had never wanted to not be able to trust him but she knew deep within her that the stories he told weren’t adding up. She thought she’d be stronger in the moment of confrontation. That she had to be true to herself and follow her gut feelings but she didn’t think that path would have her end up here. Crying and Alone. For hours, she let all her pain and heartbreak into the pillow, before falling asleep in that upright position.

                                                        ~*~

 A buzzing noise and feeling wakes Y/N up. She is still tucked into the corner of the bed but her body has spread out. Even though her mind is groggy and her eyes barely open, she recognizes the buzzing as her cell phone and immediately starts to look for it. She rubs the sleep from her eyes as she finds it folded in between the covers beside her. Quietly, in her heart she hopes it’s Changkyun calling her, hoping that he’d apologize and promise to talk later. But she is disappointed to find that it’s a coworker from her job. That’s when she notices it is half past ten in the morning. She is late for work but she doesn’t make a move to answer the call letting it ring out. She checks her notifications to see that she has five missed calls and three text messages. None of which are from her boyfriend. 

She tosses her phone to the side then leaves the bed to wash her face in the bathroom. She flips the switch and as the light flickers on she can see her reflection in the mirror. She can see the prominent tear stains as they go down her cheeks. They reminded her of what happened earlier that morning and she is tempted to start crying again but contains herself. Quickly, she washes and dries her face before returning to the main room. It is rather quiet outside as most people have done all their commuting hours ago, only the sound of a car driving by fills the street every so often. 

Y/N shuffles her way to the kitchenette and fills up an electric kettle with water. Some coffee will wake me up, she thinks as she presses the switch to start the machine. She finds her mug in the dish drain and rinses it out before searching for the instant coffee. She finds a packet, tears it open and pours it into the mug haphazardly along with some sugar. She is about to pour the hot water when she gets distracted by the sound of her phone buzzing again. She goes over to the bed and picks up the phone noticing that this time it isn’t her coworker calling but her manager. She answers the phone, ready to get a long lecture. 

She was lucky, her manager was more concerned than actually angry seeing as Y/n wasn’t usually a late person and if for some reason she was she would call ahead of time. Y/n lied and told her that she had a really bad stomach ache and the medicine she had taken the night before kept her too drowsy to hear her alarm clock. Her manager is an understanding man and told her to stay home and wished her a speedy recovery before ending the phone call. Y/n felt a little bad for lying but she didn’t feel like plastering on a smile to wait tables today. Her feelings were being worn on her sleeves and she didn’t have the energy to try and hide them. Instead, she spent the day laying bed, wrapped in blankets trying to distract her mind. She wanted to call Changkyun but she talked herself out of it everytime. Opting to scroll through twitter or watch dramas on youtube. It wasn’t long until she fell asleep again, her mind still as clouded as it was when she woke up. 

                                                        ~*~

It’s nearly six pm when Y/n wakes up with a roaring stomach. The only thing she had had today was a cup of coffee and she slept through lunch. She stretches and gets off the bed to search for something to eat in the apartment. Unfortunately, she turns up empty handed with no left overs and nothing satisfying enough to make. If she had gone to work, she probably could have sweet talked one of the chefs to make her something to eat, as they did often for the staff, if they had extra ingredients laying around. Her stomach grumbles again, she wishes she had gone in. She decides to order food instead, pulling  from the cupboard drawer a pamphlet for a chinese food restaurant that she orders from often. She closes the drawer with her hip and scans the menu before deciding what she wants. She wonders, What would Changkyun want? 

She becomes stiff as she thinks about him. She hadn’t talked to him all day and in a little less that an hour, he should be coming home from work. She sits at the edge of the bed and takes up her phone. First, she had the intention to call him. But settled on texting him. She wasn’t ready to hear his voice right now. She’d deal with that when he walked through the door. 

‘hey, what do you want from Mashi? i'm ordering for dinner.’ It took her a long time to send the text but once she did, she immediately closed her phone and placed it face down on the bed. 10 minutes passed and she spent it cleaning up her mug from this morning and looking over the menu again. But before she could nervously look it over for the third time, she heard her notification go off. 

He texted her back. 

She quickly picked up the phone again, opened it and read his response. 

‘dont order for me. i ate at work.’ She couldn’t help but frown.

‘oh okay.’ She texted back. She bit her lip nervously before texting him again. ‘are you coming home soon?’

She waited for him to reply and held her breath when she saw the gray bubble pop up. 

‘no. im working.’ 

It was like another slam to her heart. She held herself back from shedding tears but there was hurt written across her face.

‘are we going to talk about what happened?’ Immediately, under her text a small ‘read at 6:23pm’ appeared and she waited for him to reply. 

But he didn’t.

She was fed up and sent a last text. ‘Fine.”

Y/n called up Sojung, explained to her that she wanted to stay over at her house for a couple of nights. When she asked what was this all about, Y/n told her that she’d explain when she came over. She gathered her clothes in a duffel bag, stuffing them in without a care. Before leaving the apartment. That would be the last time she would see their small apartment. After a long night of explaining, crying, and two bottles of wine, Sojung convinced Y/n to block Changkyun’s number after leaving him one more lengthy text message. She decided that it would be best to just end their relationship. She didn’t want to have to worry about where he was and obviously he wasn’t going to be forthcoming with that information. And although Changkyun did read the text, again, he didn’t respond. 

Y/n’s friends would end up gathering the rest of her stuff while Changkyun wasn’t home. She moved in with Sojung and would start trying to reconfigure her life. Before it was centered around Changkyun but now that he wasn’t in the picture anymore, she had to figure out what she wanted. She decided that she was going to go back to school and finish her degree. She had stopped because it was a lot of work and keeping a roof over her head became more important. But now that she had a living situation that was more stable, she figured it was the best move for her. And the work would be a good distraction for her. 

But it didn’t stop her from thinking about him. Changkyun would cross her mind every now and then as she hoped that he was okay. He never tried contacting her after she officially broke it off with him. It troubled her because they were so close to each other, practically attached at the hip and now they were almost like strangers and she wouldn’t hear again from him for a long time.

[yakumtsaki]

Well guys, it’s that time of year again. To recap, Jojo is still not a werewolf, Wyatt has shattered every record of incompetence and still not reached the top of his career, noogiesexual Shajar got dumped by Sophie Miguel and befriended a vampire, Cyneswith continues to date black-lipstick-broken-face-template flop Don Oates, Wulf grew up in the most iconic outfit of all time, and we got a new cat named Alcibiades for D’vorah to mate with since she refused to have kittens with poor Sweets. So let’s pick up right where we left off, which is of course the endless battle of getting D’vorah to procreate..

-Come on sweetie, we got a new boy toy just for you, get on with it, you’re almost an elder!

-NEVER! I’m a direct descendant of Zoroaster’s cat herself, I’ll never sully my bloodline with the genetic material of some pound mutt! You find me an appropriate mate before I go full Henry VIII!

STOP MIXING HISTORICAL REFERENCES AND FUCK ALCIBIADES ALREADY. His name undercuts my point but still.

-Do we have any custom blue fur paint for my balls?

ALCIBIADES SHUT UP. You assholes are by far the worst generation of pets yet, the two cat losers are bad enough but then add fucking Maxx to the mix-

-AND FORGET ABOUT IT. Look who’s getting along all of a sudden! 

-Yes, now that it’s become clear that this cat legacy shitshow is crumbling, I’ve stopped beating up the cats because I will look like a bully kicking them while they’re down. It’s part of my image revamp to get the audience behind a dog legacy! 🐶

Maxx, nothing personal, but I hate you more than you can possibly imagine. Let’s check in with the humans, I’m sure they will be totally normal, likable and stable as always-

-I can see your beating heart with my x-ray vision. I want to eat it. 

-Yay, let my sister eat your heart! 💗

-Stop patronizing me, you little bitch, I can get my own hearts to eat. 

-I just get excited when we do things together! 💗

-GAWD GTFO CYNESWITH, you’re ruining my Aztec sacrifice!!! 

-Ah, to be middle aged and in love, with your terrible children about to fuck off to college at any minute.. Looking at you, Wulf. Literally looking at you. 

Somehow that is already enough checking in with the humans for one update?

-HAHA I GOT YOU! GIMME IT!! YOU DON’T EVEN NEED IT

-LEAVE MY HEART ALONE, SHAJAR, I KEEP TELLING YOU IT’S A VITAL ORGAN

-No it’s not, the paper that got my father kicked out of the mad scientist association said so! 

They hated Jojo because he told them the truth.

These two are actually getting along great and I get my hopes up that Shajar will stop being a literal incel! Let’s all join together in prayer-

-Did someone say ‘prayer’?

GODDAMMIT SOPHIE YOU HAVEN’T SHOWED UP AT ALL AND YOU CHOOSE THIS MOMENT TO MAKE YOUR GHOST DEBUT?? FUCK OFF  

-HAHA I was waiting for a situation where my appearance would hinder the biggest amount of sin!!!!

UGH you’ve gotten even more religious in death?!

-Of course I have, what do you think heaven does to your faith?

How the fuck are you both in heaven and wandering the earth as an apparition?

-My spirit takes earth vacations to cockblock! 

Well at least you’re dying how you lived: pissing me off. 

And of course Maxx goes in for the kill with his ‘good doggie’ routine, terminally distracting Blueshirt Whatshername from Shajar’s heart-eating charms. As always, big thanks to our pets, both alive and dead.

End of the road, Shajar! Enjoy this dancing scholarship that you hilariously earned during all the outings I forced you into to get rid of your incelitude.

As Shajar leaves for college a kissless noogiesexual, I decide to try and solve at least one of my problems, and that problem is called Don fucking Oates. So we call Lakshmi back, hoping she has forgiven me for our last tense interactions-

-I have not.

Wow ok well now you’re just being petty, you saddled me with Don Oates, don’t be a sour winner. Now is there anyone out there that can potentially beat Cyneswith and Don’s natural 3 bolts???

-Nop. 

LAKSHMI COME ON, YOU’RE NOT LOOKING HARD ENOUGH

-I’m telling you, there isn’t anyone else, they’re a perfect match!

Well I refuse to accept that reality, so hit us with your best shot.

-Whatever, it’s your money.

I mean technically it’s Jojo’s and maybe I shouldn’t be spending it so freely..

-Daddy wouldn’t have a problem with it! 💗

Yea he sure wouldn’t, Cyn, since he’s literally this post.

IS THAT ANOTHER TRICOU LOVECHILD AND THE LAMEST ONE TO BOOT???

-Yup.

HARD PASS. 

-Je suis back et je non get prόmόted agàin! :D

Another hugely successful day for Wyatt as usual. Honestly as long as you don’t get fired or demoted for a third time, whatever.

-Sό je can go to sleepé?? :D

Yea sure, it’s not like there’s anything for you to do around here now that the kids have grown up. Not that you ever did anything to begin with-

-Oui oui, all tres fascinàting, bonne nuit now!

Oh actually wait, I do need you to do something before you go to sleep for 16 hours.

-Quoi???

-Ohh, le pόrtait de le morté!

Le portrait de le morte indeed. Jojo is predictably super into his death portrait being painted, as one is. Seriously what are you doing.

-Composing a tragic opera about myself, what else.

On a casio??

-I could afford a concert piano but it wouldn’t fit into this pathetically tiny house you built, would it?

Ok I get where you’re coming from, but in my defense, given your youthful days, who the fuck could had anticipated you evolving into a financially successful and mentally stable adult instead of a bankrupt lunatic that eats his own feces?

-Oui, that’s what Shajàr est going to be! Huhu!

-HAHAHAHA oh Wyatt, you’re so attractive when you’re insulting our two terrible children. Where is that little goblin anyway?

Omfg you assholes, she went off to college yesterday.

-She did??? About time! One down, one to go. If only Cyneswith could stay here forever :(

-Oui :(

-________-

Speaking of, let’s try this one more time. Lakshmi please, for the love of god, give us something I can work with. 

-Alright fine, you wore me down. Ask..

-..and you shall receive.

OMG YAS RICKY CORMIER, I LOVE HIM AND HIS FACE TEMPLATE. What the fuck are you wearing, Rick? Don’t dress up on our account. 

-I was teleported here right from work, where the fuck am I???

That’s a great question Rick, you’re in our front yard on a date with our resident 10 nice points freakshow, Cyneswith. And I see that you have 7 nice points to Don’s 4, so you crazy kids just go ahead and hit it right off now!

-Not if I have anything to do with it!

VICTOR NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR GHOST BINGO, FUCK OFF

-It’s always the time for ghost bingo.

I try my best to make this date go well but Ricky isn’t into Cyneswith AT ALL. It’s honestly pretty offensive and I hate him now. 

‘I’ve had better dates’, you’re like 15, Casanova, calm down. What a twerp. 

With that last doomed attempt to break her and Don up, the time has come for Cyneswith to fuck off to college as well, and yes, Don is coming with us to be endlessly cheated on by Miss 20 Simultaneous Lovers/Grey Hair turn on. Fuck both mine and Don’s lives. 

As if my failure to perform a Donectomy wasn’t bad enough, what does Wyatt get the day he’s finally guaranteed to be promoted, BUT ANOTHER FUCKING CHANCE CARD, WITH WHICH HE HAS A 2 OUT OF 2 FLOPPING SCORE. One of them got him demoted, the other got him fired, it took us forever to get him the 9 fucking friends he needed, so this is just terrific. Istg I could go to a police academy in real life, graduate, join the force, rise up through the ranks and become a superhero in less time than it has taken Wyatt to do it. Here goes nothing but Wyatt’s hopes and dreams..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FINALLY

F I N A L L Y. 

OMFG.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT WAS LEGIT HARDER THAN KOMEI’S 6 PETS CAREER ONE, FUCKING HELL WYATT.

What a sight for sore eyes. 2 days before elderhood, but we did it, mon bebe! I’m so proud of us, but mainly me, for not giving up and making you a househusband which I know realize I should had done, because you’re so gonna destroy this city. 

-Je will savé la city! First ordér of enterprisé, àpprehending le killér seriàl knόwn as Dr. Gingér Violetté! ⭐

Oh boy. Good luck with that!

[allondonboy]

Medicine for the Soul (Ch 11)

Chapter 11 - Allegretto non troppo: molto crescendo  (Ch 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

For all of us who have shitty parents.

Thanks as always to Anna @jjeanmorreau

Feedback always gratefully received

---

The start to spring break doesn’t go as they expect.

“Alex.”

There’s something in Eliza’s voice that makes Alex’s chest warm and their throat close up and they take a deep breath.

“Mom.”

They watch each other. Alex’s stance slips into one of defiance when Eliza says nothing more. She reaches for them then thinks better of it and sighs, walking to the couch and settling back against the cushions.

“Come. Sit with me.”

Alex does, slowly, curling one foot beneath them.

“How was the end of the semester?”

“Fine,” Alex says shortly. Eliza’s face drops.

“I’ve done some research,” she says, “into what you told me.”

Alex freezes. They hold their breath as Eliza lets out another long sigh.

“I can’t pretend to understand it, sweetie, but I want to try.”

“You…” Alex struggles to sort through the barrage of emotions thundering through them. “Really?”

“All I want is what’s best for you.”

“Until now, that’s been ignoring ‘this non-binary nonsense’, so what’s changed, Mom?” It’s snide but they can’t help it, can’t help thinking that this is a trap as much as they want to believe Eliza is changing, can’t help hoping that this is where it gets better.

“Alex.” Of all the things they expect to hear, it’s not regret, and they sit up. They’ve never heard either of their parents voice regret. “I was wrong.”

Alex lets out a long, shuddering breath through chattering teeth as their chest tightens again in disbelief.

“You were telling me something important about yourself and I dismissed it because I was scared. I am scared. You’re my – my child, and hearing that you’re choosing a life like this makes me worry as a mother because the world out there isn’t kind to people like that – people like you.”

“I’m not choosing this, Mom.”

They don’t know where to look. They can hear in Eliza’s words the same mother who held them when they were sick, who put their fingerpainted portraits on the fridge, who kissed their bruised knees, who they’ve been longing to see all this time, open and honest and loving and there for them, and now, now, she is.

She’s here.

“Right.” Eliza nods in their peripheral vision. “Yes. Maybe – maybe you could help me? Explain some of this to me?”

Alex swallows. “Okay. Yeah.” A million thoughts fight to be the first one out of their mouth and they force them into now and later. A couple slide into angry, but the loudest one is the overwhelming bruise of hurt.

“I need you to know,” they say, “that you hurt me. I don’t know, I don’t think you meant to, but you did.”

They look at her then, and it’s like they’ve shrunken back to their five-year-old height, nervous about coming clean about what really happened to Jeremiah’s latest bird house.

“I didn’t mean to,” says Eliza. “You have to know that, Alex. I would never try to hurt you.”

Alex nods like they believe it. Eliza sighs.

“I want you to understand – growing up, I was always the oddball. There were even fewer women in my area of work than there are today.”

“I know that.”

“I know you do. To hear you say that you were not a woman -”

Alex shakes their head and holds up a hand. “No, I still – part of me still feels like a woman.”

“Okay.” Eliza nods slowly. “So, to hear you say that you were outside the man-woman binary – yes? – sounded like another obstacle in the way of an incredibly promising career.”

Alex grits their teeth as anger claws its way to the surface. “I need you to stop thinking about grades or work or how any of this is going to affect any of that. This is about me, as a person. This hurts, Mom. Dysphoria hurts. The wrong name, the wrong pronouns, hurts. And you know as well as I do that I want to succeed but right now, I just want to be happy.”

Silence settles between them, thick with charged emotion. Eliza scoots closer to Alex and rests a hand on their knee.

“I wanted you to be better than me. To have all the opportunities that I never had, to take the world by storm and change it like you’ve always tried to do. I realised, when you were last home, that that is down to you and the person you have become, and I am so proud of that person.”

Alex gives a one-armed shrug and Eliza chuckles quietly. “You never could take a compliment. Just like your dad.”

Alex shrugs again. Eliza continues.

“I’m proud of all of you, Alex. Even the parts I don’t understand. It’s something special to see the child you’ve raised become so sure of who they are, especially when society isn’t the most accepting.” Eliza makes sure she has Alex’s eye contact. “I’m sorry I was a part of that.”

Eliza opens her arms and Alex shuffles into them and for the first time in so many years, they don’t shy away from the hug or flinch at the squeeze, and they squeeze back with all of them because now, Eliza wants all of them.  

--

“Just say child.”

“You’re older than a child.”

Alex sighs and looks patiently at Eliza. “I don’t mind it, I promise.”

“Mini-me.”

“Kara - ”

“Oh no, is that offensive?”

“No - ”

“Offspring?”

“No, Kara.”

“Descendant.”

“Child is fine.”

“Progeny.”

Alex and Eliza both stare at Kara as she holds up her hands defensively.

“Just a suggestion!”

“I never should have given you that thesaurus,” mutters Alex and Kara hits them with said thesaurus, held open at child: noun.

“My daughter Kara and my progeny Alex,” says Eliza, and she cracks a smile that startles Alex into a snort. “Nice try, Kara.”

“Just use child,” says Alex. “I would appreciate it.”

Eliza pours another glass of water and takes a long sip.

---

“Alex, what’s this I hear about your violin?”

Alex drops their fork. “You – what – who - ”

“A mother has her ways.” Kara’s innocent eyes aren’t hiding anything and Alex kicks her shin under the table. “It’s great that you’re playing again, sweetie.”

“I guess,” says Alex.

“It’s been a long time.” Alex gives Eliza full marks for trying but they can’t deny how good it feels to talk about something other than work, let alone something from another time completely.

Packing to go to college is the first time they’ve properly sorted through their stuff since Kara arrived and they had to make room for her. It unearths a lot of things they’d forgotten about, both deliberately and not, and what had started a simple exercise of deciding what to take with them ends up as a jolting trip down memory lane.

College is the first big step in their life that Jeremiah isn’t there to take with them.

And they hate it.

More than that, they’re scared.

At least at home, the walls carry whispers of him and the memories are so vivid that Alex can almost see him standing at the foot of the stairs, waiting for them. When they butt heads with Eliza, they imagine him stepping in, always the peacekeeper, calming them down and making sure both sides are heard.

Someone had told them they would be too busy at Stanford to miss home. Alex thinks it was supposed to be reassuring, but instead they feel sick.

If they don’t miss home, they aren’t missing Jeremiah.

If they aren’t missing Jeremiah, they’ll forget him.

If they forget him…

They’ll lose him again.

Vasquez’s advice about the third movement plays through their head on the journey back to Stanford.

The conversations with Eliza had unlocked a new kind of energy inside of them. Getting up was a little less hard, breathing a little more easy, and their mind is clearer and more focussed. It leads to revelations in a way they don’t expect, and one of those revelations is that Jeremiah is the key to unlocking the concerto.

He’d never heard them play it in full. They’d talked about it and planned it, down to the meal they’d have before Alex went on stage, but they’d never got it anywhere near performance standard. Learning to play it is the embodiment of moving on from him and acknowledging that they’re making progress and that he’s never going to show up to graduation or concerts or surfing competitions ever again.

Their first practice back is spent annotating the third movement and letting it run through their mind. For all these years, music had been an escape for them, but as they sit there, pencil tapping the page and describing the odd phrase with broad gestures, it hits them that it could – should – be a memorial.

After all, if music could transcend time and space, who’s to say that he wasn’t watching and listening to them right now?

--

The more they ruminate and the more they practice, the more their mind starts to drift towards Maggie as they play.

Maggie…Maggie is new. Maggie is post-Jeremiah. They think he’d have loved her. They’d have got on, for sure, and frankly, they can imagine the pair of them ganging up on Alex to tease them.

They want to be vulnerable with Maggie, but fuck is it terrifying. Baring their soul when they’ve spent so long barring it up, letting their heart sit behind a wall of armour, keeping emotions boxed up and tucked neatly away in the back of their mind. But Maggie, Maggie is the first person they’ve met who makes them want to talk about all of those feelings down to their favourite memories of Jeremiah and how the gaping hole in their chest from his death is starting to heal, the tiniest bit, with her help and her love.

--

Maggie hesitates at the threshold as Alex sets up, aware of what it means, that Alex has invited her to hear them play. One on one, it’s already intimate even as Alex does something as mundane as a couple of warm up scales.

They’ve set out a chair for her at the edge of the room. Finding her leaning against the door jamb, they gesture to it with their head and a smile that sets Maggie’s heart at ease. She slowly sits and slumps down comfortably, legs outstretched and crossed at the ankle. Alex darts forward to press a quick kiss to her lips that leaves her blushing and her thumbs fidgeting happily with each other.

“Vasquez isn’t here, obviously,” says Alex as they flatten out their music and settle their bow in their right hand, “and I don’t have the backing track, so you’ll have to use your imagination.”

Maggie nods, trying to reassure Alex and herself at the same time. It seems to work for them, because they close their eyes, take a deep breath, and then the music starts.

“What makes you happy? What makes you really, uncontrollably happy?”

Alex shrugs. “I like science.”

“You need stronger than ‘like’, Alex. What do you love?”

“I…” Alex looks out of the window. The tree is still there, though there are leaves on its branches now, and as they watch, a squirrel scurries down the trunk and disappears. “I love surfing?”

“Okay.” Their teacher nods. “Why do you love surfing?”

“It’s freedom, I guess.” Alex looks down at their bow and pulls off a stray hair. “It’s me, my board, and the water. I’m in control but I’m free.”

“Good! Good!” The teacher is on her feet once more. “Tell me more! What else do you love?”

“Kara,” Alex says after a minute.

“Your sister?”

“Yeah.” Alex adjusts their violin in their grip and scratches their nose, pushing their glasses back up. “Yeah, I love her,” they say, almost to themselves, and the teacher picks up the hint that there’s not really anything else to be said about that.

“Right. Now play, and think of Kara.”

“What were you thinking about?” Maggie’s soft question surprises even her as it breaks the silence. Alex opens their eyes slowly to meet hers.

"What makes you happy?  What makes you really uncontrollably happy?"

"You."

--

It’s slow, and it’s fast. There are hands everywhere and lips blazing trails across skin. It’s fumbling and clumsy as they get caught in their clothes and trip onto the wall, cursing in breathless exhales that turn into giggles.

It’s unlike anything they’ve done before: not in the substance but in the fervour, in how they hold each other as though they were drowning, in the wordless understanding that suddenly connects them.

Alex keeps their eyes locked with Maggie’s as she masters their body with the same finesse with which she plays her guitar. It’s an indescribable feeling of their heart both bursting and being caressed by someone they trust in a way they’ve never trusted anyone before. Calm and peace fights to undo the grip of blissful chaos winding through them and eventually, limbs tangle in the best of ways as they both succumb to dreamless sleep.

[shockdowndefiance]

You've been visited by the random OC question fairy! :D ~☆

Pick five of your character's most influential milestones (moving away from home, a first kiss, a death, etc.). Why and how did these milestones affect your character?

Thank you for the question! Once again I am answering for Allison Shepard as she’s the only MC I really have fleshed out. I sat down to write out her most influential milestones and narrowed it down to the five I felt would be most interesting. In chronological order:

1. Finding out she was a latent biotic and suddenly developing biotic abilities at the age of sixteen 2. Meeting her first boyfriend, Finn

After she was expelled for punching and injuring another student, and moving to a different human colony, she enrolls in a new school and meets Finn on her first day there:

A teen boy slouched casually against the wall opposite the office, moving to stand up when Allison shut the door behind her. His dark hair flopped down into his bright blue eyes as he moved, his hand almost continually going up to move it out of the way.

"Finnegan Osmani. Call me Finn," he said once he was close enough, holding a hand out. Allison took it and gave a brief shake before she pulled back. "You're that new kid, right?"

"I am," Allison said, turning and looking around. "I hear you’re my chaperone."

Finn laughed. "That's one way of putting it. Hey, rumours going around; you are a biotic, right?"

"Sure am," Allison said, turning back to look at Finn with a cool glare. "You gonna make something of it?"

"Nope." Finn grinned. "My lil sis is a biotic, she'll love to meet you."

Allison smiled herself.

Maybe introductions weren't going to be so bad.

Outside of family everyone treated Aliison and her twin brother Elliot like a ticking time bomb. Finn was the first one to fully embrace who she was, biotics and all. This was in part because of his younger sister also being a biotic, so he had some knowledge of what being a biotic meant.

Walking in to that new school, she had put her hair up and left her amp fully visible - she didn’t care what anyone thought of her, whispered about her. Hating her for being a biotic was the same as hating her for having green eyes, and if it meant she rounded out high school as the ostracised creepy biotic whom no one talked to...well, she didn’t care.

And then Finnegan showed her that, no, not everyone was going to act like that. Some people would be accepting of who she was, biotics and all.

Again, this has gotten really long so the rest is under a cut!

3. Enlisting in the Alliance 4. Getting dumped by Finn 5. Defending Elysium from pirates and slavers 6. Being awarded the Star of Terra for her actions on Elysium

Allison didn’t do anything special on Elysium.She didn’t do anything more than any other marine would have done (and in fact some of them willingly laid down their lives so that others could be saved). Being hailed as the Hero of Elysium is an aggravating and unnecessary epithet, and doubly so when her status as a biotic soldier is emphasised.

(This does create positive associations with biotics so it’s at least something but, again, she’s an average biotic. Nothing special. Stop advertising it on recruitment posters so much.)

She receives the Star of Terra (among others: namely her officer commission, invitation to ICT school, and a special commendation) for her actions, but despite all the pomp and circumstance, unless she needs to wear it it stays hidden away in its box in storage.

It doesn’t help that she’s the daughter of Hannah Shepard, well-regarded veteran of the First Contact War. People expected a lot from Allison, and barely four years since enrolling in the Alliance, they had humanity’s newest hero on their hands. She brushes off most applauds about her status; they take it as her being modest, she intends it as a stop bothering me about it but she can’t not keep it.

(This does later cause a bit of friction between Allison and Ashley later, but that is 8-9 years later in the timeline.)

7. Being invited to participate in the Interplanetary Combatives Training course 8. The untimely death of her paternal grandfather In the late 22nd century, the average life expectancy for humans is around 120, with some individuals reaching 150 years old.

As such, Allison’s paternal grandfather dying in his early nineties was a shock to all. It occurs in the middle of Allison’s ICT learning, and as a result it delays her graduation by a year. Completing ICT can be done in a year, but Allison spread it out a little because she wanted to pace herself - being one of the first biotics invited into the program, she didn’t want to crash and burn (despite there being no shame in being able to complete the first rank, she personally would have hated having done so).

Her grandfather’s death causes her to step back and reevaluate things a little. She idolised her grandfather so much (I have an idea for an art piece when Allison was about eight years old, on the back porch of her grandfather’s house; Allison is pulling a face because she and her grandfather are eating liquorice; she despises it but her grandfather adores it, and because he adores it she reckons that she must also adore it) and losing him punches a hole in her career plans.

She stays in the Alliance (not much else for a biotic to do, and her family going back many generations has been military, so she doesn’t quite know what else to do) but she misses him for a long time. 9. Completing her Interplanetary Combatives Training course and being awarded N7 rank 10. Accidentally interfacing with the prothean beacon on Eden Prime and getting the first glimpse of the impending Reaper invasion 11. Becoming a Spectre, part of the Citadel's specops group 12. Rescuing both Kaidan and Ashley from the near-doom mission on Virmire 13. Allowing herself to fall in love with Kaidan This harkens back to Finn and him seeing her as a whole. For Allison, being in the Alliance and having a relationship doesn’t mesh - initially she’s working on her career, aiming to get her officer’s commission, then Elysium happens and people are more interested in her as Commander Shepard, Hero of Elysium than they are of Allison.

Kaidan’s different. Heck, all of the Normandy crew are different (barring those who knew her prior like Anderson and Adams) - while they respect her as their XO/CO, they don’t idolise her like other people she’s met. She can pull off heroic feats and achieve the near-impossible, but a large part of that is down to her crew and how they are all able to work together.

But Kaidan sees beyond rank, sees beyond medals, sees beyond her service history, and does indeed see Allison, the person. Admittedly at the point in time this occurs, Allison hasn’t seen how bad things can get, and she doesn’t know how much of a rock Kaidan will be to her, but to realise that he loves her, the entirety of her, and not the hero plastered across the recruitment vids, or the thin line between reverence and rejection biotics often get.

But they’re military, she’s his CO and he’s her HOMD. She’s gotten a lot of leniency running as a Spectre ship but she still answers to the Alliance. Fraternization is not allowed, and so they push their feelings to the back once the Citadel is saved and Saren and Sovereign are killed. Kaidan requests to be given a new posting, a space halfway across the galaxy, given a few months and then start an official, public relationship, and allow Allison a shot at a normal romantic relationship. 14. Dying and being ressurected 15. Finding out that the Collectors are protheans, enslaved and mutated by the Reapers 16. Leading a team through the Omega 4 relay, a place where no one had returned from, to destroy the collector base and returning victorious 17. Blowing up a mass relay in batarian space, killing over 300k batarians and being put under house arrest 18. Almost losing Kaidan after an ambush on Mars 19. Uniting the galaxy against the Reapers and delivering the killing blow, ending their message for ever 20. Waking up to a post-Reaper galaxy with both physical and mental injuries, and learning how to manage with those

Allison wakes up in a hospital bed for the second time in her life after a major battle and she almost cries. Let me rest, she thinks, fearing that Cerberus has gotten to her again and they’ve rebuilt her again to go rogue and save the galaxy again. Hasn’t she earned her rest?

Well, yes. She has.

She’s in a hospital in London, her mother at her bedside as medics struggle to sedate her, worried that Allison will injure herself more without it. Miranda, the one who rebuilt her after the Collector attack, is leading the team. Allison is officially awoken from the induced coma/sedation about a month later and told what happened.

She lost her lower left leg, replaced with a prosthesis in the short term and a tissue cloned leg in the long term. One arm was dislocated, the other broken; a scar now bisects her face from forehead to nose, before curving around her cheekbone to her ear.

The Normandy has disappeared, no one knows where her or her crew are, including Kaidan - whom she had married just hours before the final assault against the Reapers.

Allison gets a multitude of diagnoses - acute stress disorder, anxiety, depression, panic attacks. Physically she recovers without issue, though she considers the clone tissue leg a waste (I can manage just fine on a prosthesis thank you) when there are others around who could benefit from the resources used on her.

But she’s got one more epithet to add to her collection - saviour of the galaxy, and a one-of-a-kind medal to accompany that. Her immediate family survived - her parents, her twin brother, her younger sister. And somehow Kaidan and nearly everyone on the Normandy survives too, reunited about three months after Allison officially wakes up.

But she struggles with her mental health, lashing out at Kaidan for his idea to take her to inner British Columbia, to his family’s orchard. Logically she knows it’s the best idea - remote and peaceful - but her brain rebels, another choice made for her, another change to her life that she has no control over.

But she apologises, rests, and recovers. Takes up Anderson’s apartment on the Citadel when it’s habitable once again and considers, maybe, retiring from the Alliance and pursuing a normal life.

Maybe.

(It doesn’t stay that way for long.) 21. Choosing to get pregnant and raising children with Kaidan

[shesawriter39049]

Disclaimer, it’s like 10 o’clock at night, I’m writing this on my phone... and I’m three drinks in but it’s me so I’m sure you guys didn’t expect anything else besides a hot ass mess 😩😩😩😭😂👏🏽!

 First off if I’m being honest, I didn’t really think I would do some long dramatic ass post about today. Hence why it’s coming at almost the end of the night! However I saw quite a few post on Twitter and to be honest the thing that made me want to get involved wasn’t the memories of the boys but the ones the fans were sharing as well...

Life happens I’m not the 18-year-old girl that I was when I first got on here so I don’t really have as much time but... that’s part of what made me feel like I had to join in. A lot of you guys have been with me since I was 18 and I turned 26 this year. For some godforsaken reason there’s still close to 50 K of you guys still following this blog and the majority of you found me because of my original One Direction account! So you guys know better than anyone that I’ve been through hell and back with this damn fandom but I still wouldn’t trade it,or you guys for anything so here I am making my sappy ass post 😒🤦🏽‍♀️!

So first and foremost let me say...Not only am I proud of the boys but of our fandom as well because we’ve come a long ass way!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

The friends and the memories I’ve made because of these boys!!! These fucking chaotic and stupidly talented boys! I found these motherfuckers when I was 17... you already know the story by now I got dragged along to one of their smaller radio gigs when they were just starting to do promo in the US! Once I graduated my best friend and roommate at the time was already whipped and she had my ass sucked all the way in lol watching the X factor reruns and hours worth of crackhead energy content on YouTube...😂😩😂 those videos diaries though💀😩!

Fast forward now I’ve traveled around the world to see these boys 12 shows and 4 meet and greets under the belt! To be honest there first two albums felt a little too “young” for me even then! But I loved there voices and there personalities were just A FUCKING 1 and of course it was all catchy AF! Then once I actually saw them live...I stuck and I decided to ride it out and stick around and mannn was it worth the ride! Till this day outside of being a old school 90s boyband fan nothing will truly top the memories and friends I made through them! All of the bullshit and drama aside it still doesn’t compare to the memories that I have to look back on during that whirlwind of a career that they had while they were together!  There aren’t many artist I can say their entire career was essentially their prime! 

The stories I have from going to shows,traveling for shows or even as we got older and it became kinda normal for us to see certain members just out chillin. Weather that be at a Starbucks, a concert, or even a club( que Liam in his phase of hosting parties 😂)! 

But I have to say above everything else something that I’m the most proud of...is that this fanbase grew with the boys and eventually learned that these are normal dudes and we don’t “own “ them! The way it changed from hating every girl the boys were seen with to encouraging them to date and enjoy life! The way we slowly stopped caring and freaking out about every damn thing and just enjoyed the ride! The way we just mind our own damn business and only make our presence known when needed!! 👏🏽👏🏽👌🏽👌🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Hell just the way we as fans matured as a whole...but also a lot of us are like 25 and up now too so I’d hope we learned something bc some of these fandoms now...Chile!

Actually One Direction are the reason I’m in even on tumblr to begin with.... but also things were different I was younger and actually had time to really be a “fan girl” and fully ingulf myself in the experience if I wanted to! I know I didn’t go anywhere near as hard as some fans because I still did try to have some form of a life lol...Buttttt the things that I did do and engage with looking back on it all these years later I still don’t regret dedicating those fan girl days to these 5 boys!

Happy 10 years boys and happy 10 years to us as fans, at 26 I’m still not embarrassed to call myself a 1D fan! 🤷🏽‍♀️

It was a wild ass ride but if you hung on it was worth it how did they saying used to go?

Ahh

“If you know...you know...” 😉😏

Stay safe my babies I still love you guys even though I don’t get to interact with you as much fingers crossed I get to see some of you next year if Harry is allowed to reschedule his tour dates 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 4

New episode, new post!

This was the other post I had written out that got accidently deleted so I'm writing it all again.

1993? And Lila was 4? TOO MUCH COINCIDENCE! I still stand by my theory that Lila is one of the 43.

Yes, she has a father but that could just be her mother's husband. It's just too coincidental that the show would make her exactly the same age as the Hargreeves for no reason.

Ah the red heels. Hi Handler. These heels are really pretty though, very wicked witch with the ruby slippers. Even that outfit kind of screams wicked witch meets Cruella de Vil 😏

Kill parents, adopt child. Interesting MO, Handler. Like an evil Bruce Wayne (does this make Handler Owlman? I know, I'm not funny).

Oh, Handler pulling a Reginald with Lila!

Except, you know, she actually gives Lila positive reinforcement and affection, unlike Reggie. But her training seems just as brutal and inhumane for a child (and possibly even more violent) as Reginald's...

It's curious and interesting, a nice foil. Handler succeeds where Reggie fails- creating a loyal and effective soldier will into adulthood- because she was willing to give the kid affection and compassion. Reggie saw himself as some sort of hero creating heros but he failed at the most basic and human thing that even the villain understood.

-The filmography in these training scenes is brilliant.

-Ah, that prom look is the same as half of my classmates when we graduated 🤣 down to the blue makeup.

I'm guessing Lila's "prom"/"graduation" was her first solo assassination?

Wait, Handler wants to protect Five...? What the hell is she up to now?

Talking about killing people like it's a fun hobby 🤨

Oh, so the Swedes are triplets? I suspected but I like the confirmation.

Oh, Handler is lying ~~~~ 🎶

She's definitely following her own agenda here and she's leading Lila into danger. The question is if she's going to undermine the Commission for revenge of if she wants to prove her ability to get promoted back into administrative ranks of the Commission.

Either way, this will not end well for Five.

Lila is going to end up having to choose between Diego and Handler, isn't she?

Five stays in the car to give Luther space... No matter what Five says he actually cares about his siblings' feelings, doesn't he? He's the most overprotective of them all and always has been. It's sweet.

Ah, Luther and Vanya bonding over Five being an asshole. ☺️

"very warm and cuddly father" 🤣

Of course Vanya figured out Five was sparing her feelings, because she's not dumb

Oh, thank you for the honesty, Luther! Gotta love that.

I'm actually really happy to see Luther owning up to his mistakes instead of trying to act like the flawless leader. I think he grew a lot after accepting that Reginald wasnt perfect and I'm glad to see that growth still happening as he learns how to be an independent person. I just hope his guilt doesn't turn into even more self-hatred.

"you had kind of a bad childhood" -understatement of the century, Luther!

Luther, you have pissed off the mobster, you moron. You're on big trouble now.

Dramatic wall punch! 🙄

"when you get angry shit blows up" 😂😂😂

"you're our sister and a member of the umbrella academy" - oh, now you want to include her? The irony of this is that it's the one thing Vanya wanted for the first 29 years of her life and if anyone had said it then, the apocalypse would probably have never happened.

🖕🙊🖕

"I wonder if it's too late to be un-adopted" -ah, you know you love them, Five

Honestly, Allison actually keeps her cool really well, if I went through that phone call I would have broken something.

Why the hell does Klaus want menudo first thing in the morning?? Ew...

Klaus butchering "the frog and the scorpion"... You were doing so well but ended up completely missing the point of that story, dummy.

Diego's stab wound is healing really quickly...

Wait, he's healing quickly and Allison doesn't have a neck scar... Plus Klaus is immortal... Hmm, I wonder if quick healing is an ability they all share? Though that would put Diego's scars (and maybe Ben's death) into perspective...

Does Diego wax his chest? Those pecs are real smooth for someone who spent over two months in a 60s mental institution. 😆

"we've all had the urge" 😂 and Diego's sarcastic laugh 🤣

Who's the 12th of the Magestic 12? Oh, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE??? Maybe a certain monocled asshole?

"Mamie pink" is Klaus's new nickname, I don't make the rules.

Klaus, you are freaking the boy out with all this new information...

Oh no, the homophobia 😡😡😡

You know what's more heartbreaking about this homophobic disaster? Dave is likely in the closet and this whole situation here and the hate his uncle is showing must be so painful to him, it would probably bury him even deeper in the closet...

Klaus... The punch... Oh, baby... 😢 Oh no, I'm going to cry 😭😭😭

Is Raymond really implying that Allison is a spy? Damn...

Just tell him the truth, Allison! How do you marry a person without telling them something so big about yourself??

Oh, so Klaus has been sober for 3 years... Interesting.

No, Klaus! Don't start self-destructing again! 😢😢😢

It must be so painful for Ben to watch this and not be able to stop it...

Oh shoot, the cult found him.

"prophet"? "holy wanderer"? Interesting.

Poor Klaus just wants peace.

They seriously couldn't get a suit for Five too? Is he not allowed to wear anything else?

Five is onto Lila 🎶

Luther, are you stress eating? Well, at least you're not going on a bender again.

Awww, Luther- Allison reunion. Cute. Please don't make it weird.

Oh God, the awkward small talk is back 😩

I'm glad Luther is being so mature about this. I like this dynamic better.

"Vanya is on a farm. And happy" and Allison finds the happy part weird. Diego in the "nuthouse" and Allison doesn't find that weird at all, even does that 'yeah, ok makes sense' face. Klaus "cult leader" and Luther isn't surprised at all, that little "eh" was so funny.

Lord, this family is mess.

"Doomsday" *awkward chuckle* -you guys are getting way too used to this.

"Diego, try not to do anything too stupid" 😆 ah, brothers.

Lila in red heels, like mommy... 😏

Reggie taught them ballroom dancing? And Handler had the same idea?

Um.... Ok, so new theories! Do Handler and Reginald know each other? Could Reginald have been in the Commission? I'm going to be thinking about this for a while...

Just let the girl lead, Diego. Stop being a little bitch.

GRACE?!

So mom!Grace is either a cyborg or she was modeled after this woman... Makes curious about Reggie's relationship with this lady.

Diego going through the universal horror every kid goes through when realizing that mommy and daddy are "together". 🤣🤣🤣 "I can't picture it on my head. That's nasty"

She didn't tell him her name was Grace but apparently it is.

Am I the only one getting weird desperate and co-dependant vibes from Sissy?

Oh no! Save the baby!

Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! Vanya's powers are incredible! The special effects in this scene are unbelievable!

Save the child!

How did his lips get blue so quickly?

THE RETURN OF THE MAGIC ALIEN LIGHTS! AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ok, I need to pause to gather my thoughts... Ok, things I hope don't happen-please don't magically "fix" the disabled boy, and please don't make the powers transferrable (that's just lazy writing, don't rehash "Misfits").

However, other than that I'm just very curious what those lights will do to Harlan. Will they just save his life? Will he gain powers? Will he have some weird connection to Vanya now? I'm dying to find out!

Anyway, back to the ep.

Baby boy is ok!

Luther, did you think pissing off the mobster would end well?

Elliot just starting up at Luther in awe and visibly fighting not to poke him. 😆

HELL NO, LUTHER! NO DRUGS! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME?? YOU GOT YOUR BROTHER KILLED!

Oh, Sissy... Poor woman.

There going to kiss, aren't they?

Melancholic music kicking in. Sad emotional talk. Sitting way too close. Yeah, they're going to kiss.

Aaaaaand there's the kiss! ☺️

But now I need to pause and digress again...

Yeah, Sissy's feelings for Vanya are not healthy at all. In fact they mirror Vanya's feelings for Leonard- she's unhappy with her life and clinging to the first person that gives her attention. She wants help, she wants to be rescued, she's touch and attention starved. She's co-dependant and emotionally manipulative.

I'm not saying Sissy is a bad person, she's not, she's a sad person stuck in an unhappy marriage, terrified of being abandoned (almost paranoid) and exhausted under a lot of pressure dealing with a disabled child. And then in comes Vanya, who is perfect with Harlan, so loving and kind and has nothing else to pour all her attention towards. Of course Sissy sees salvation in Vanya and is desperate to keep her.

I'm not saying Vanya and Sissy can't have a beautiful healthy relationship, they can, but not like this. Sissy is clinging too tight and using Vanya to make herself feel better and make her life easier. They both deserve better than that and I hope they get it.

I'm starting to think that all relationships in this season might be doomed to fail:

-Sissy and Vanya have a co-dependant and emotionally unhealthy infatuation and Sissy is married to a man that, while not great, still clearly loves her;

-Raymond and Allison have too many secrets between them that are causing a major rift, they can fix it but there's also the chance that Ray might not be able to accept the truth about her;

-Lila is a double agent using Diego to get close to Five, she seems to be developing feelings but the fact that she's lying about who she is and working for Handler is obviously toxic;

-Klaus is pining over a person that Dave has not yet become and while he only wants to save Dave's life, it's obvious there's too big an experience and culture gap between them for a relationship to flourish;

-Luther and Allison have become one-sided and less innocent and puppy-love than before, now it really is just creepy and unhealthy (whereas before it was understandable because they grew up together under an emotionally unavailable father and isolated from the real world, naturally they became attached and confused their feelings, their attachment wasn't healthy but it was justified and almost innocent... Not anymore though);

-we have no concrete proof yet, but it seems Ben MIGHT be pining over a girl that might not even see him, he's dead, it might be an interesting dynamic storywise, but it's not going to happen, it's unhealthy and unfair;

Some of these couples might still survive and become great, it's still really in the season after all, but they have a lot of growing to do before they get there.

Anyway.... Back to the episode.

Oh Klaus... Off the wagon...

Allison being a good sister and taking care of her brother. My heart ❤️

Luther, you idiot... Well, at least you're getting high in a safe environment.

Luther and Klaus are self-destructing, my poor boys.

"you are super weird" - Luther, you have no zero right to call anyone weird, have you looked in the mirror??

"the woman I love loves someone else" -the woman you love is. your. SISTER!

I really like poor Elliot, I hope nothing bad happens to him.

Jesus, that's creepy, Luther.

Didn't I say Reginald was the 12th? 😏

Roswell? Reggie probably has a vested interest in that.

Blink out of there, Five.

I love that Five's main move is always 'teleport onto their backs and go for the throat'.

Wait, why did Five's teleportation glitch???

The music!!!!

Wait, did Diego's aim just glitch too???

Could these power glitches be connected to Vanya's magic lights going into Harlan? Or could it be something about the Swedes? Or about Reginald's presence, seeing as he dodged Diego's power before? Hmm...

Oooh, Lila has to choose between Diego and her mission already? Interesting... Of course she chooses to save Five.

Badass Lila is amazing!

So she could have helped Diego after helping Five but instead she just walks away? Huh, unexpected.

Diego, you adrenaline junkie. Good moves though.

The ancient Greek is a surprise! I really want to know what Five said to Reginald!!! What did he say? I need to know!!!

Another great chapter!! Very emotional too!

I want more!!!

[callioope]

Finally finished Community! Thoughts below. I can’t say they’re coherent or insightful, but thoughts below. I’m still sorta processing everything so I’m not even sure I’ll settle on these thoughts, but they are my immediate impressions after binging this thing in 2.5 weeks. (Whew!)

First, a preface: Prior to this binge session, I had seen one episode many years ago, but whatever episode that was I have no idea because none of them felt familiar to me. More importantly, though, I used to see a lot of Jeff/Annie stuff in my dash back when the show was still airing. So, that informs my preconceptions of the show before I started.

Overall impressions: 

The first three seasons are pretty solid, and honestly I didn’t really feel like season 4 missed a beat from them. At some point towards the end of season 4, or maybe early season 5, I stumbled on the season 4 controversy and was pretty surprised because I still enjoyed it. Season 5 actually felt like the beginning of a decline and season 6, whew. That was almost painful to watch. It felt pretty dry, lacking in the show’s original magic, and definitely forced, which was even addressed in the season finale. And speaking of the finale, despite some brief entertaining meta moments, it didn’t really feel like a good ending for the whole thing. But I suppose we’re still due that movie, right?

What I loved about the show was how much fun it had and the relationships between the characters. It seemed to do a good job of shaking up interactions so we got to see different sets of characters interacting. Troy and Abed’s dynamic was the most interesting to me (I think I’m going to have “Troy and Abed in the mooorning!” stuck in my head lol). The blanket fort episodes were pretty great.

Couldn’t stand Britta/Jeff moments. Didn’t like the idea of the woman Jeff just wanted to bang finally giving in. Would have been terrible if that had ended up (man did I hate the set up at the end of season 5! fortunately that seemed to be a ruse to make a point, like Jeff and Britta getting together “just because it was how the show started” wasn’t really a realistic ending. I’m looking at you How I Met Your Mother. I bet that was intentional. It probably was? When did HIMYM end? I have no idea because time stopped making sense after I graduated college. 

Troy/Britta was interesting, and I was into it, but when it fizzled out that also made sense. Troy/Abed, hmm? Idk. Maybe. Haven’t settled on that. I sorta feel like they’re missing a person, like they should be Troy/Abed/??? I just feel like they have that dynamic where they need a third person. But who? Britta? Eh. Idk. 

Speaking of Troy, I really wished he could have made it back for the finale, at least! That was sad. 

And now for no reasonable transition but just because I just binged 6 seasons in 2.5 weeks and am trying to remember all my thoughts throughout: Chang. Chang was pretty annoying. Honestly it was a miracle I made it through season 1, I made it through in spite of him. He was better when he wasn’t a teacher anymore but still kind of grating. Not my brand of humor, sorry.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, Pierce was also awful. In a different way from Chang but still pretty unbearable. Does it make a difference that I’m watching this post #metoo? Or did everyone agree he was unlikeable from the start? I rarely found anything redeeming about his character and he always felt like he just didn’t fit. (Side note that I had no idea Chevy Chase was in Community until I watched the pilot! It’s funny how much tumblr manages to spoil with gifsets and also not spoil.)

Jumping around again -- so I obviously knew Donald Glover was in Community but I feel like. The next time I watch Solo. That it’s going to be very weird seeing Troy there. Mostly because I know if it was Troy playing Lando it would be mindblowing to him. I hope whenever they make the movie there can be some throwaway reference to this.)

(also oh shit but i did not realize until I looked it up on imdb during like season 3 but Annie!!! was Trudy!!! in Mad Men!!! I did learn this fact before the Don Draper reference)

The Dean’s weird obvious crush on Jeff sort of made me uncomfortable. i mean the parts where he clearly fantasizes about jeff (the puppet thing for example). outside of that I thought the dean had some good moments, and I enjoyed the plot with the study group rescuing him from chang, but whenever he weirdly hit on Jeffrey it felt like negative representation. sort of like “look at this sex-crazed deviant harassing jeff” and that was bad. i mean it felt like harassment. is this supposed to be some sort of comeuppance for Jeff’s womanizing ways? If so it still feels off to me. Is there something I was missing there? I don’t want to upset anyone or be out of touch since I’m the noob here so please if I’m off let me know. 

What else??? I’m probably forgetting so much because I watched it so quickly. Everything’s sort of merging together.

Oh! Britta!! I did see in a negative review that Britta’s character kind of got screwed with and I do agree with that. I wasn’t a big fan of Britta but it did seem like her character development (what development) really stalled. And the jokes about her being terrible at psychology were overdone. I get that she’s supposed to be the screw up but let her have something she’s good at? I guess. I mean I guess she did end up helping people so it sorta worked out but idk, didn’t feel like they put her character to good use after season 4. 

I’m saving Jeff/Annie for last. As I stated above I was predisposed to thinking this was gonna be like THE ship of the show. I didn’t hate it, but it definitely wasn’t what I was expecting, namely because I didn’t realize the age thing was going to be such a prominent part of it. (Didn’t realize the age gap from the gifsets! ...or at least didn’t remember it) I do get the chemistry there, but there were some scenes that felt really awkward to me. I was waiting for it to get better and it sort of had its ups and downs. Loved the “teamwork” dynamic to their scenes, but sorta hated the paternal vibe. Jeff’s “I do this as a coping mechanism so I don’t have to address my feelings for you” sorta made sense, buuuut I also thought that scene Got Weird. Also didn’t feel like we got sufficient closure. Maybe we weren’t supposed to. But I felt like for as much weight as they tried to lend it at the end, there could have been more obvious development and build up towards it. Like, for as much time as Annie clearly spent pining over Jeff throughout the whole show, she really didn’t play a large role herself in the final episode. In one scene, I think it was one of the pitches, someone tells Jeff he’s not really thinking about what Annie wants, and I would have liked Annie to have a chance to speak to that, but even when Jeff finally admits he “let her go,” she barely says anything. So, idk. 

I worry that the movie would reset the status quo. I don’t really like that kind of thing, when season after season there’s no real progress made. It was a staple of sitcoms, sorta the point, but I like a show that an be funny and have character growth. (I’m looking at you, The Good Place! not every show can be the Good Place...) It did feel like we got character growth here. I think what I’m actually worried about is the Gilmore Girls Effect, where it’s allegedly ten years later and nothing has changed. That was a disaster. If they do a movie, I hope they think realistically about where the characters would have gone during the time that elapsed. Like reasonably. 

Anyways. Those are some very loose thoughts I basically just word-vomited immediately after finishing the last episode. It’s definitely possible I missed some things, as I was sewing masks during most of season 6 and some of season 5. And I watched them really fast in general. So who knows what I’m forgetting. It’s all a blur. I’m gonna stop myself before I embarrass myself even further. And probably go read some fic. Yeah. 

[flamestoflight]

candid.

this is a breaking point

i really have not been taking care of myself lately. i’ve been neglecting my physical health and my mental health to an extent that i haven’t done in years. everything is just happening so fast and all at once. graduation, a new job, a new city, a new apartment, a hard and painful breakup, an exciting new relationship, an upcoming trip, trying to get my licensure in order before I leave, dealing with all the new employee stuff.....it’s just a lot. it’s a hell of a lot. and i’ve been neglecting every aspect of caring for my physical and mental health for the past month.

it started after i finished my last rotation in early December. I was in the mindset of “fuck it, I’m finally done with school, I have 2 months until I start a real job, I’m just going to let loose and not care during this time period because it’s an opportunity i won’t have again.” And I was right about that, I will never have 2 months like this again. I will likely never even have a full week like this again - free to do whatever with my days, no 8 hours a day/5 days a week work. and at first it was in the name of mental and physical health. a rest from nonstop grinding for yearssssss. A rest from 4:30am alarms to get to the gym before work, of working 10 hours and then coming home and studying, of 5 hours of class followed by 3 hours of clinic followed by studying for my exam the next day, of meal prepping and skipping the dinner outing or the trip to the bar in the name of discipline, of working like an absolute dog to get to where I am. 

But it’s turned bad. It’s turned into a blatant neglect for my health. I’ve stopped taking my prescribed meds, I’ve stopped working out, I’ve stopped eating well....some days I don’t eat at all and others I eat like shit for every single meal. My weight has fluctuated like crazy these past 2 months, low to high to low to high. I honest to god cannot tell you the last time I had a fruit that wasn’t a garnish on a drink. I haven’t cooked for myself in 2 months. I haven’t eaten brown rice or quinoa or spinach or chia seeds or oats or literally any vegetable or fruit or anything that used to be a staple for me. 

I haven’t spent time outdoors. I haven’t read a book. I haven’t organized my space, I haven’t been washing my face, I haven’t had any semblance of a sleeping schedule. 

and to a certain extent, that’s okay. You know, that’s living life and that’s being flexible and adaptable and understanding that your life isn’t supposed to fit in a box and you aren’t supposed to be a solid mold. I understand all that, and in a way I am proud of my ability to break out of my routine time and time again, and choose friends and late nights and beer and a weekend trip out of town over rigidity and strictness and anything that I am used to.

But it’s gone too far and it has been for a few weeks now and I’m just ignoring the problem as if it’s going to go away. To be fair to me, I have been emotionally all over the place and gone through ups and downs that I never saw coming. and i’ve been trying to handle this emotional whirlwind, trying to handle the nighttime depression that has started creeping back in, trying to handle the couple of panic attacks i’ve induced over the past month, trying to handle my tendencies to use food as a weapon against myself, to use self-deprivation (water, sleep, vegetables, fresh air) as weapon against myself. Trying to handle the overwhelming pressure I feel to be good at my new job, with my fancy new degree at a fancy new hospital and not let everyone down and not let myself down. 

I kind of feel like I’ve lost myself a little bit. I haven’t been engaging in the things that have always been important to me. At least not the ones that only involve me. I’ve been very present in my relationship, present in my family life, present when it comes to making plans with friends. But I’ve lost the part of me that cares about the food she puts into her body, who respects her body and moves it every day, whether that be stretching and handstands or squatting and pressing or walking and hiking. I just haven’t been. 

Yesterday I went with my boyfriend to get his hair cut and he said it was going to be about an hour and for 5 minutes I sat in the car mindlessly scrolling through my phone and that’s how I was planning to pass the time....and I instantly started getting anxious and antsy. Because that’s not me, that’s not what I do. I got out of the car and walked a little less than a mile to the local library and grabbed myself a latte and perused some books, sat down at a table and opened one at random and started reading. I walked!! outside. and I read!! a book. while i sipped my latte. THAT is me. That’s what I do, that’s the Lauren that’s engaged in her life, engaged in her surroundings, takes care of her mental stimulation and moves her body a bit.

It’s very tough for me to be in this state of transition. Nothing is permanent right now, everything, everything is about to change. And in order to deal with the impending change and the stress that’s associated with it, I’ve become lost in the moment. (as a side note, I think that living in the moment is extremely important and valuable. I, however, have become completely lost in it...directionless, unsure, lacking confidence, losing myself kind of lost). And I want to change that. I need to change that.

this is a breaking point.

And this breaking point comes at a really unfortunate time. I’m leaving in 2 days to fly to Tanzania, I’ll be gone for 10 days total in the wilderness with zero semblance of routine and zero control over any of it. Two days after I come back, I drive to my new city and start the move-in process. I’ll be in Baltimore for 5 days, I’ll be back home for part of the next week where I’ll be trying to figure out how to get my stuff out of storage, how to get my furniture from my ex, how move into my own place...and also trying to cram in seeing my boyfriend who will have started classes and has more limited time. I have to figure out how ad when to get the cats to Baltimore, I have to figure out what furniture I need and how to get it, where to get it, how much I can afford to spend. I have so little control over anything the next 2 weeks, my opportunities to work out will be slim to none, my opportunities to cook for myself and meal prep will be slim to none, my opportunities to decide how much time I get to spend with the people I care about and those that give me comfort will be slim to none. 

but I can’t fight this breaking point anymore. It;s been a longggg time coming, and I’m almost relieved it’s here. Time to break out the journal, the planner, time to break out the attitude that gets shit done, time to break out the side of me that is fed up with my current bullshit and wants to be better. I can’t let this go forever. It’s grind time again. It’s time to sleep better, eat better, move better, treat other people better, engage more, work harder, get shit done. I cannot start my new job in this slump. I have to be on my A+ game from day one, out the gate. I have to show them why they hired me and what I can do for them. And that starts with reminding myself what I can do for myself. 

And there’s balance to all of this. I’m not done drinking wine or eating ice cream or taking rest days or choosing to live in the moment with others. I just need to find my balance again. Restore the scales back to where they were, restore myself back to where I was. Bring myself back from the brink that I have been standing on for weeks and weeks and weeks. It’s not easy, the opportunities in the next 3 weeks will not be handed to me. I will have to fight for every single one of them, and make it a priority. 

It starts tonight. It starts with getting my ass out of bed, drinking some water, making a salad for dinner, meal prepping some breakfast for tomorrow, getting to bed at a reasonable time. It continues tomorrow, when I get up at a reasonable time, get my ass to the gym, pack my bags for Tanzania, get all my travel documents in order, make the last purchases I need to make. Make my bed. Get outside. Take a fucking walk. Breathe some fresh air, read my book. 

I’ve always been an all or nothing person. The last month, taking care of myself has been off my radar, it’s been at nothing. Tonight I start to bring it back. I don’t want to go back to “all,” because I know that side of it isn’t good for me. I know what I can end up doing when I put my everything into “bettering myself” - I know that that pendulum swings waaay to fast and too hard in the other direction. I’m gonna play some video games tonight still, I’m gonna facetime my boyfriend tonight still, I’m going to probably have a small glass of wine tonight still. I’m just going to also do better, be better than I have for the past month. Better to myself and better to others. 

There is SO much I haven’t even covered in this post, but it’s a semblance of what I’ve been laying in bed for the past 3 hours thinking about. And it gets me going the way I need it to. I know what else is going on in my head, I know what else I need to address besides this ^. But this is a start. This is a breaking point. And even though I’m mentally tired and emotionally strained and physically under-nourished and dehydrated and my skin hates me and my body feels worn down and my motivation is close to zero....I’m walking headfirst into this.

My phoenix tattoo was inspired by a quote I saw: “in order to rise from its own ashes, a phoenix first must burn.” And at the time I got the tattoo there was a specific moment in mind, a specific time frame of my life that I was thinking of, I have come to realize that it can apply in many ways. I’m going to have a lot more downs in my life, I’m going to be burned in my life, I’m going to be reduced to ashes. But we rise up. That’s all we can do. We hit our bottom, we hit our breaking point, we gather ourselves, and we rise.

this is a breaking point. and i will rise.

[myeternalsin]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hello everyone! 2020… WOW. Can I just say that it has been a complete and utter rollercoaster! IT’S BEEN AWFUL! I am making this post to explain multiple things about myself, my stories, my accounts, etc, so grab a cup of your favorite drink and finger snacks because this is gonna be one long a*$ post! (Excuse my French, but considering everything I’m about to explain I felt like I needed to write that!)

First off, 2020. I believe everyone thought that 2020 was going to be their year. Everyone had their hopes and spirits high to the skies. I was one of those many people. I celebrated New Years Eve with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years and thought this year would be perfect. Valentines day on a Friday, my 21st birthday on Easter, 4th of July on a Saturday, etc. COVID-19 happened. I live in Cedar Rapids Iowa where honestly, my governor had and still has done sh*t about COVID-19. 

Around the end of March I was hit with some very hard information. 

The daycare I worked at, 8-5, as a full time job during the week of spring break had it’s numbers DROP. I went from a class of 12 children to a minimum of 4 a day to a maximum of 7 children. I was even given Wednesday off along with my teacher assistant as we were TOO overstaffed at the center. Usually when I leave work at 5 o'clock, there’s about 20 to 25 children left by the end of the day since we close at 6. I should have known that Monday that the week was going to get worse. There were only 6 CHILDREN at the center when I left EARLY at 4:30. The next day I came home at 10 since we were overstaffed again, and was called at noon that our daycare was shut down. I’m laid off. Start filing for unemployment. 

I was completely HEARTBROKEN. I was truly hoping to stay open, not for the pay or to “get the virus so I can stay home” as some of my co workers joked-but to stay open for the CHILDREN. I was praying that they could get through this and that this whole COVID-19 would blow ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL over soon… boy, was I WRONG! 

I celebrated my 21st birthday at the apartment with my boyfriend instead of bar hopping since everything was shut down. I was completely and utterly BOARD. I had no clue what to do with myself! During this time, my boyfriend was also stuck in the apartment instead of at the office. While we were at the apartment, there was this trend on TikTok called the “towel drop challenge”. I was honestly thinking that since were both cooped up in this tiny apartment that was could, ya know, get it on~

Three and a half years. I was with this boy for three and a half years without ever losing my V-card! I mean, we’d tried on multiple occasions but I just never got my cherry popped. I was told by my mom that any boy would have taken my virginity by now and not waited this long. I even asked him a year after we were together if he was possibly gay or asexual. Which wouldn't have been a problem AT ALL! I have no hate against him however he identified sexually, I just wished that he would have told me or he would have done something about it. 

That fateful day, I let him know that I wanted his time and attention. He could have walked away from his computer. There were times where he’d either be on his phone with his head down while “working”, or he’d come out into the living room to play a video game for half an hour while still “logged in and working”. I was hoping to just get ten minutes of his time. I was lying in my bed, naked and waiting for him. I know he saw me too, yet he didn’t do anything. It was the end of his work work shift, and I was waiting with anticipation for him to just POUNCE on me. 

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said, “I’m going downstairs to do laundry.”

My whole entire being shattered. I was completely DEVASTATED. I always asked myself after every time we tried having sex if something was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough? Is it because I got bigger throughout the years we were together? Was it because I was inexperienced? Was I performing wrong on him when we would do stuff? I was pretty sure I was attracted to him both physically and personality wise. So what was wrong?

I got so upset and started screaming and yelling at him while crying everything out about not only what he just did, but about everything. In the end, I just collapsed on the bed and said “I want to go home.” I was like a broken record, uttering that saying over and over again.

So, I moved out. I am still living with my parents, and honestly it was rough and still is. I became so depressed. This boy was my best and sadly only friend I ever had. I had pushed away all of the friends I used to have because of him. I tried contacting some old friends, but they had all moved on with their lives. Everyone’s getting married, engaged, having kids, having pets, graduating college. I had nothing, or at least it felt like it at the time.

No friends, no boyfriend, moved in with my parents, and no job.

That’s right. The owner of the daycare never hired me back on, along with six other staff members. Around the beginning of July, I was wondering why I hadn’t been contacted to come back to work. I was willing to travel even though I didn’t live in that city anymore because of the breakup. I was notified by a coworker that they were back to work already a month ago and she was wondering where I was! I called the daycare and never went through to anyone about why I wasn't back.

I felt so useless. A failure. Disappointment. I wanted to not exist. 

I knew that I shouldn’t have had these thoughts, and it scared the shit out of me that my mind was not only thinking it-but the feeling and urge to actually follow through with it.

So, I contacted my doctor. Got some antidepressants, and am trying to get a therapist at the moment. My doctors building with their therapist are practically booked with everything going on. It’ll still be a little bit before I can talk to someone. I was told by my doctor to try to find something to do that peaks my interest. I thought of my work and you guys. I’m proud of the writing I have and can’t believe I left you guys hanging, both on request and stories. I found something I could do to lift my spirits up yet again!...

PHSYIC!

August 10th 2020, I woke up at 10 in the morning. I made a hearty breakfast and an iced coffee for the first time in FOREVER! I was pumping myself up to get on here and to start writing again! After I was done eating, the city sirens went off.

“Is there a tornado?” I asked my parents. They themselves didn’t know either because both cable and the electricity went out as soon as I asked. We all hurried downstairs with all three and a half dogs as the wind picked up and the rain became more heavy. (I said a half because M,W,F we babysit my sister's little beagle dog.)

We sat and waited for the storm to be over and we were wondering what was going on. My dad was about to get up when BOOM! The house shook and vibrated all around us.

My mom started crying hysterically, my dad tried to comfort the dogs and create a barrier for them not to go upstairs, and I just kinda sat there. It was like I wasn’t really registering what was going on. Maybe it was because I was trying to stay positive? Maybe a couple branches just smashed the siding of the house or window? Were the antidepressants not allowing me to cry and freak out? I wasn’t sure what was going on with me at the time. 

The rain stopped and my parents went upstairs to check everything out while I stayed downstairs with the dogs.

“Drip!”

“Argh! What the!?” I exclaimed as I showed my flashlight on my phone to the ceiling. It was dripping from the heating and cooling vent. I saw other droplets of water along the Styrofoam tile ceiling, and followed the trail towards the small kitchen area where there was water IN the ceiling light!

“Uhhhh, guys?” I yelled to my mom and dad upstairs.

“Wait a couple minutes sweetie!” My mom responded back as I started to hear their hurried feet running around upstairs.

“We got water coming downstairs!” I hollered as I grabbed a couple of empty solo cups I had downstairs since I was living down there to start collecting the water.

“Yeah? That’s ’cause we got a hole in the house!” My dad yelled.

The big tree in the backyard that was planted from the previous owner back in the 1950’s crashed into the living room from this storm we later learned 3 days later called Derecho. We’ve been recovering for about a month now. Almost everything is back to normal. 

We got power and water back 2 weeks ago from today, the internet back a week ago, and cable has been kind of wonky. We’ve been wanting nothing but the news and were able to have cable for ONE DAY. It crashed and we still don’t have cable. We’ve tried antennas but they just aren’t working in our location. 

The downstairs floor is ruined. We had to rip out the carpet and the floors now have asbestos. I live upstairs now in the guest room and we’re pretty much confined to the entry way since we still have a huge hole in the living room. No comfortable seating either. We’re hoping to hear back from the insurance claim sometime this week… but there's a possibility that we might just have to move if the damage is too much. 

To put the good old fashioned cherry on top, one of our dogs may no longer be with us this week. She hasn’t eaten in the past couple of days and is only drinking water. We’re taking her to the vet tomorrow to see what’s going on, or if she’s suffering too much.

Honestly… 2020 can F#@! OFF! It’s been such an awful year! But! I am ready to get back into the swing of things and get back to writing and writing for you guys again!

I was going to explain some things about my accounts and rules but I feel a tad bit drained after writing this all out, and I haven't typed on a keyboard in so long! My wrists HURT! Give me a couple of hours and I'll be back with a PSA part 2! I will be posting this to all of my accounts so no one is left out of the loop. Be back soon! 

~MyEternalSin