almateantales

[almateantales]

An unsent letter.

(Inside a well-secured case, a number of pages fall upon breaking its spell. The paper pages look in perfect condition, despite the worn out appearance of everything else)

Date: April 3rd (no year).

Hello Yazmin… Or Yamn, I guess you’d like your nickname better. It's the end of the year and I find myself writing to you, a letter never to be sent. See, I’ve been thinking of something lately. About the past, and wondering if things could have gone better back then.

I recall that day more often than not, the seconds awaiting for the texts and explanations, the way you stumbled around your words as you made your point. I could tell you were nervous, and I was too. I let myself wonder sometimes how much of what happened afterwards could’ve been avoided, had the circumstances been different. It's been eating at my mind lately.

Years have passed now, and I see you remain as kind as ever. You've come so far too, it makes me proud to be around you after all this time. You have a life companion in Maerin, and as far as I've seen you're happy with Nive and Louis as well. I was surprised when I found out about Louis's participation, but I learned that you were not together and only formed a relationship with the same person, an axis. That's great, and I'm happy for you.

Still, when I found out I felt so… Strange.

I thought it was because of Louis, maybe I didn't move past my feelings for him after all? But that couldn't be it. While I would’ve liked someone like him as a partner in the past, it wasn't the end of the world if he didn't return my affections— It's been years, I moved on.

So why would I care about this situation, then? Thinking and trying to figure this out only made me more and more confused. Maybe I am just lying to myself and still like him after all? Jealousy isn't something to be ashamed of after all; it would be pathetic on my part, but emotions are nonsensical like that sometimes, right?

But I knew that wasn't it. I looked at a picture of them together, and didn't feel a thing. Not even a sign of envy, heartbreak or disappointment. If anything I felt happy looking at it, reading the description saying how happy he was with the love of his life. So it just wouldn’t make sense to say I’m jealous if that’s what’s crossing my mind, right?

Keeping that last thought in mind, I went to your profile to see a similar picture, of you and Nive happily embracing each other, you were giving her a kiss on her cheek while she laughed with joy. It was the perfect photo really, you both look so happy to be together…

That should've felt the same way as with Louis, but. It didn't.

Implications were now messing with my mind. How is that possible? It doesn't make sense, why now? Now that you've moved on with your life, and so much time passed. It feels unfair and cruel… It doesn't make sense! I rejected you saying I wasn't attracted to women. Then I spent half my teenage years infatuated with this boy who's now my best friend, got rejected and over it. I even had other relationships through the years. So why?

It isn't fair, neither for me nor for you. If I was you, I would feel insulted— the way I rejected you and left was awful, and now I dare to feel jealous of your loving, happy relationship? What kind of person am I? This feels so wrong and just… I don't know. Unfair, I guess. I feel stupid thinking about how long this has been going on without me noticing, nevermind the fact that I might be bisexual. Have I ever been attracted to other women? Was it only you? I can feel myself spiraling the more I think about that as well. I’d rather not.

The thought “I don’t know what to do now” crossed my mind for a moment, but I know there’s nothing for me to do in this situation, not really. Things should stay as they are, and you don't deserve to be bothered by something like this. I just needed to write about it, to get it out of my system in some way. You were right, this does help.

I’ll just keep writing if I feel like this again. As you said one time, I promise I will not let this burden you. You are still very dear to me.

I think that’s all I can say for now. I hope you keep living your life to the fullest, as happy as you deserve. I will be cheering on you from the sidelines.

-S.P.

[almateantales]

it's rotten work, but without the rot nothing can grow

[almateantales]

[almateantales]

If you're not Yume, fuck off.

(This book seems to have some kind of enchantment, but it's still readable.)

Date: June 30th, year XX42.

I'll have you know, I don't like writing. I believe that if you want to say something, you should just go and say it, so you don't set whatever you made for the world to see. I don't want people trying to figure the kind of person I was by reading my stuff. That being said, this is me making an exception. Only you should read this, Yume. If anyone else reads this, close the book and fuck you. I'm going to put a spell on it so it spits on your face or something. You piece of shit.

Otherwise, hello Yume.

I'm going straight to the point. I'm writing this only for your eyes to see. If something would ever happen to me, this is for you to keep, to remember me. Can't have you living who knows how many years just thinking about me as some distant memory, y'know? Would be a shame, I am not someone who's okay with being forgotten.

I was trying to recall the first time I came here, after you worked your magic on me. Back then everything just felt strange, borderline unbelievable. Like some sick joke someone was being played on me all of a sudden. I don't remember much of my time as a literal dead person, as there really isn't any conception of time in that state to begin with. It was mostly an emotionless experience. I had no care in the world, and only when life came back to me I felt like I was better off dead, wich is ironic actually.

Suddenly I was in a new place with a proper roof above my head, with clean fancy clothes and no service was asked of me in return. Apparently all of this was a gift from an elegant lady I tried to court while dead, and such a good courtship it seemed to be. Sorry, by the way. I lied when I told you the memory was clear as yesterday. It was actually super blurry, but I did recognize you back then. That aside, you probably know that for me, this was absolutely fucking crazy. All that stuff... didn't feel real, nor earned. I was already thinking how death would come to take me again. But then you talked about some stuff that happened to you, and you seemed so broken. You were angry I think, but in a sad way. I can't remember if I did anything in response back then. Should I have hugged you or something? I doubt I was able to think about it. Then, after that it just was... Difficult, to think of you as some naive rich lady who just decided to revive me on a whim. I used to think you only did it to feel better about yourself, because that's what most people do. But everything about you seemed so genuine, I couldn't bring myself to be hostile. Eventually it just felt better, and the strange feeling turned into simple gratitude, though I wouldn't say that directly. I was always a little bitch when it came to feelings after all, you of all people know that.

The point is, I'm trying to recall some stuff that you might not know yet, so this would actually have some value apart of serving as a diary, because that's just frivolous to be honest. At least it should have real value for both of us. I will be adding more stuff until this book is filled, that would be a good place to stop anyway. It's not like I am that wordy, and I do have time to fill this up for you eventually. So you better be grateful!

Just. I hope you like it. If you read it before I die, I will find out. Then I'll bite you.

I adore you with all my being, I hope you know that. I love you, Yume.

[almateantales]

"Therapy Diary" (with ice cream stickers.)

Hello diary, hello mr. psychologist. This day is the worst!!!

Lux went travelling for the week, so i've been alone since monday. I've been visitng Lehsil quite often because he's my best friend and all... But I think I messed up.

I confessed?? And he rejected me... In a very mature way? It was kind of sweet for a rejection. Wich doesn't make it better at all by the way!! I just… I shouldn't have told him, I feel like hiding under a rock and staying there until the embarrasment wears off. And I know that is really stupid. I'll get over it soon, it's not the end of the world. But I hope he stumbles and drops his favorite candy or something, that dork.

Oh, also!! One of my best friends is moving overseas today. I can't say her name here because it's like, not common knowledge?? But hopefully you'll know who I'm talking about. She's going to that very fancy kingdom, the one with the most beautiful winter season I've ever seen. It's going to be fun visiting her and mr. cute-but-serious prince. She seemed to be really happy, so I'm happy for her too! Oh and there will be babies soon too… I still can't quite believe it. She's really has become an adult, huh?

I also considered moving there someday since I like it, but honestly I prefer staying with my sister for now. I like to be close to my parents house as well, it's only been a year since they came back with us after all. We want to make up for the time we lost and all that. But maybe in the future?

On another note, Mishen has also been bothering me lately, and it's been really tempting to punch his cute puffy cheeks. It's really strange though, I already knew he didn't like me, but it seems different now. Who know's what's gotten into him, anyway?

So, I think that's all this week? It's been… Eventful. Lot's of things happened everywhere, as for me I only got rejected and ate all the ice cream. I need to buy more so Lux doesn't get angry, or worse: worried >:(

All things considered, it really could've been worse. I hope we can go back to being best friends like always. It feels better now that I got to talk about it though. So that was the solution all along?

And... I think that's all. Still don't know how to finish these things, since you're going to read them all at once later anyway. But I hope it's been entertaining and it helps you make my diagnosis or something…

I miss that funny Cracker, by the way. I hope he's doing fine.

See you soon, mr. psychologist!

-Nix, always using winter clown shoes.

PS: I wrote too much. Now I feel embarrassed.

[almateantales]

An Old Diary

(Date Unclear, pages are torn and damaged)

I am leaving this country.

It has been decades since I first came to this place, and despite what has become of me because of that decision, I can’t find myself resentful towards it. No amount of suffering could bury the few good experiences I had thanks to this place, and in the end it is inevitable for me to feel grateful. It took many years.

I have nothing to regret at this point, and only wish to not meet my end here of all places. I don’t intend to stain their homeland any longer.

(...)

This is the last entry this diary will have. I hope it serves as evidence that I really am gone, no other traces of my identity will be found after this one.

Farewell, Almatia.

-S.

[almateantales]

Welcome.

This is Almatia, a modern nation that came to be after a fierce war for revolutionm wich made it free from a tyrannical ruler. It was a new start, and soon the land saw progress peacefully. Time passed, and the next generations now see the hard work of their ancestors come to bloom.

This blog is made with the intention of sharing the stories that have accumulated in all this time.

The first revolutionaries, who planted the seeds for a better future. The ones who completed the work, becoming heroes of the nation. The ones who assisted from the shadows, who chose to believe in the promise made to them.

But also the dethroned, who tried to maintain power at all costs. Their allies, who for various reasons wanted to maintain the status quo. The neutrals, who preferred to wait and see what would happen.

Every story is worth telling, and they will be included here in this archive. Hopefully they will entertain you.