#has to do with my mental illness qnd shit

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[the-acid-pear]

I like how I watched Unus Annus only for the fanservice. I didn't learn shit bc I disagree with most of the things the channel was about JSGSHFWHEFDG

[antisocialxconstruct]

.

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[valatheapprentice]

Echoes of the Past

Brought to us by @arcana-echoes

Vala Quintus

Hometown

Vala was born as Princess Alexandra Cirillo in the kingdom of Sparta. She wasn't allowed to go out into the kingdom. The few times her hand maiden would allow her to sneak out, shed find herself in a rowdier part. Despite being loud and reckless, they seemed to be very mindful and playful with her. She ran away at 6 and came to Vesuvia, where she was adopted and lived a fairly normal childhood in a nice neighborhood

Parents (mentions abuse)

Her birth parents were very cordial at best. They were very patriotic, proud and loving of their kingdom. When their son, valas older brother, was born, they loved him about as much. Years go by and they make a deal with the devil. Im exchange of their children's magic, he would be sure sparta lived on forever and that their children would go down in history. Since their son had no magick and an only child then, they agreed. A few years go by and they give birth to vala. While they loved her at first. That changed the moment she displayed magical abilities. With fear of the devil and magick being outlawed and detested , they would lock her in a cellar and place shackles on her to prevent her using said magic. By age three, Centaurs had threatened the kingdom. In exchange for being left alone, her parents agreed to let her be taken from time to time to entertain them, beating and r*ping her when they had gotten drunk. At this point they had seen her as more of an object and annoyance. When she ran away, war broke out and they died in that war.

Her adoptive parents were a lot different. They found her on the beach and took her in, despite originally not wanting kids. With nightmares and being former royalty (now kept secret) came behavior issues they had to help her overcome. They were extremely patient but stern. They gave her a fun and warm home and she lived 9 years as a fairly normal and happy child until her mother died when she was 15. She learned to cook and got her sense of humor from them. They signed her up for belly dance lessons, which she uses along woth her root work. Which they encouraged her into practicing.

Magick

She first showed signs of magick at age 2, but didn't really know it. As she got older she realized she could do things but was quickly punished for doing them. Once she was able to harness her power, she realized she was strongest with fire and chaos magick. She found some travelers and learned root work and conjuring from them. Which she continued researching and practicing after they left. She also has a strong connections to spirits and works/talks to them often

Education

She was heavily tutored as a princess, forced to learn Italian, and law despite being told she could never amount to anything due to her duties. In Vesuvia, she attended a public school until she dropped out at 15. Due to her love of dance and her Magick type, choir and science were her favorite subjects

The "aunt"

In her teens, she had been in trouble with the law frequently. Once she got back on her feet, she found qnd abandoned home and more or less squatted in it. She fixed it up with asras and her dads help and turned it into her shop "Magick and Mayhem". As soon as they started getting business, she was able to pay rent for it. The police she dealt with before let her slide of some formalities so they can keep seeing her stay out of trouble

Friends

In Sparta, her only friend was her handmaidens son, whom she rarely played with. In vesuvia, she had a habit of befriending colorful characters. One she was close to before she dropped out happened to be the daughter of a crime boss, Stella (another oc and LI for valerius)

Occupation (mentions substance abuse)

She dropped out of school after becoming dependent on drugs and entering an abusive relationship with her dealer. Despite helping forgive his debt in unsavory ways, she learned /some/ business skills through selling for him after a few years, such as negotiations.

Familiar

Her familiar is a possum named Arthur. She found him in a box labeled "free kitty" and couldn't resist. They are able to communicate and heal eachother. Hes able to sense peoples energy and his reactions can be seen as a warning for her. Together, they can manipulate the energy in anyone and anything. Its just a matter of if the want to or should

First loves (mentions abuse)

She had one love before meeting asra. Pete Uchiha (street name Ocho) was her dealer turned boyfriend when she was 15. Despite the good times she clung to and being too young to know better, he mentally, physically, and sexually abused her and forced her into dealing for him and attacking people who owed him. After 2 years of his paranoia and control. She met asra when he was homeless and a thief. They quickly went from being friends to facing an affair.

Cuisines

Growing up with her new family, her dad absolutely loves making chili and spicy beer chicken. While she could eat those everyday, she and her mom loved anything involving shrimp and gyros.

Defining moment (mentions substance abuse, attempted suicide, and crimes)

While she was considerate of others and wanted to be nice to everyone, she had little foresight, no impulse control, and often just thought of herself. The moment that really made her change her life was when she was 19. She had discovered she she could make any surface become soft and safe to land on. So she, Pete, and mutual friends would go onto a roof top, get high And basically fall into a dumpster. This went on for years until one day, her friend jumped and missed the spot, killing him. Once she realized what happened she was grief and guilt stricken and tried to overdose. Luckily, she was found and taken to the hospital where she started to detox. Later on she was arrested for manslaughter but was released on probation. That was the moment she realized she couldn't live like that. Pete was put on jail, she broke things off, and swore to never get high again and makeup for every wrong shes everyone, or try, since she finds herself responsible for the war as well. Still is and always will be, impulsive though

Holidays

She is a pagan, worshipping the Greeks gods (patron is Hermes, arcana is judgement). She follows the basic pagan holiday wheel. She will give either food drink or dance offerings and meditate to give her thanks to them and the spirits

Aftermath

After she had died, outside of asra, her father was completely grief stricken. Customers and neighbors felt sorry for their loss, a few even missing her and her energetic and kind energy. When asra brought her back, everyone knew something messed up happened and looked at them like outcasts. She has absolutely no memory and has to relearn how to talk, so this confused and disheartened her greatly. When asra told her dad, they got into a huge fight, her dad angry for putting more turmoil in their lives. So far (in my stories at least) he can't bare to face her, knowing she doesn't remember him yet/anymore

In another life

If she hadn't have left sparta. She would have died. Lets be real.

Given how she got the plague (kissing lucio, in a story ill post), it could have been avoided but then asra wouldn't have needed to be at the palace in her place and who knows what would have happened if lucio got his way in the ritual. Even ignoring that, when shed face asra again, it wouldn't have worked out. At least nothing would be easily forgiven. She'd probably be a numb and tired person after

If she had left with him, I think she'd feel guilt for leaving. Like itd be a happier life, being safe with asra in a new place, but I see her being more depressed and submissive. She just agreed to leave her home and father to rot in her mind.

Freebie

So, and I didnt know why until my husband helped me figure it out, but I always imagined her and julian getting married before having kids and her and lucio getting pregnant before getting married. Im one for diving deep into the psychology of my and other characters. While she and julian are no where near innocent and all, they tend to have a more wholesome relationship. She is very headstrong and a switch. Julian is in my mind a switch but is more submissive in personality. Lucio is just as headstrong as well as temperamental. So they but heads a lot and can be seen as a very emotionally charged couple. She does believe love is an action more so than a feeling, thanks to her adoptive mom and dad, and not many people put up with his shit out of love, so they do put the effort onto each other. So the more traditional route, in my mind I guess is better fit for julian and the chaotic route fits lucio better. (Idk I love doing deep dives into this kind of thing. Like ill spend hours talking to my super smart husband or researching to find the correct mindsets)

[bard-dadsquared]

Id put this under a readmore if i could but i cant so... sorry evveryone. Ill tag it as a long post, and a negative one at that.

Anywah

This week has got to be one of the worst weeks for mental health. I am not sure why, but ive been cranky, irritable, ive been wantint to isolate myself, indont wanna spend time with anyone or do anything except maybe rp, play dnd, or play video games

Which i cant do. My mood and mental health is making it hard for me to adequately care for my son, because i get overwhelmee way too easy with him, more so than usual. Its affecting ny sleep and quality of it. Its affecting my ability to attend my classes. Its affecting my communication, my relationships with people and everything.

Im getting what i can only explain as vertigo spells. Which trigger my anxiety. Im dissociating almost constantly, nothinf feels real to me. Hell in dissociated so hard pnce i thought i was in the wrong fucking body.

I almost had a panic attack three different times today because i felt like my mind wasnt my own i guess?? Like i was seeing too many things at one time, i was scared i was goinf to faint or black out.

I came home early today because of it.

To make a shitty day worse i decided id step up and try and figure out a day to play a game. That went poorly. Not going to go into details but zhit happened and someone git pissed off.

Made a post. Copied and pasted what i said

And then called me toxic because of it.

Not gonna post the juicy deets here (as tempting as it is)

Which kinda sucks?? Because like i know im not perfect. Im always tryinf to be the best me i can be.

Granted my frame of mind and emotional state is shit right now- im goinf through amd processing a lot of shit

And idk?? Maybe i am toxic certainky to some, i know for DAMN sure im nkt perfect, but i dont think that applies to the context they used it in but people wilk eat it up

And honestly i feel like mutual friends hate me now because i pissed them off. Which is awkward because i do a kot of stuff wirh this persons friends which we have mutually.

And now i cant do something i enjoy withiut

"Okay so whos gonna get pissed off about my rules now?"

My mind right now is a CLUSTERFUCK qnd i cant sleep

I don't even know if this makes sense im venting mostky.

Tldr: today was shit, my super power is being honest and getting two or three people to hate me at once because of it, and im fucked up in the head and i dont know how to cope with it because i guess what ive ive been trying to do isnt working

(Doing stuff that make me happy.)

[kdjdhdhebx]

uk everytime I hang out with my friends I see how we are wildly different even tho they try to convince me we are not and how they are mentally ill and I am not. this other day, we hung out and this friend started talking about her 2 other friends qnd what she likes in them and what not, and she started explaining that this one friend is kinda dumb cause she is naïve amd doesn't have much depth and has had a simple life, that she is great but still the lack of depth kinda shows sometimes. and then they were talking about IB points and shit, and measuring smartness of people with that kind of? like they all have this... confidence in themselves and this awareness of themselves,,, that I just don't have. they admit they are smart, they admit they have suffered, they admit they have depth and introspection... and I dont. and it's not because am self hatey or depressed, they are that, I see it. It's literally because I am aware that I am not smarter than others, I have not suffered, I dont have depth or whatever the fuck, I know my truth. I am not different, it pisses me off how not different I am. I dont have any confidence in myself because there is nothing to be confident in, unlike them. I dont have skill or brains or anything, and they do, they are aware that their suffering made them smarter and different, which is why they are able to admit they are mentally ill. I don't admit it because m not, literally. they try to explain my laziness because they pity me and don't wanna wanna admit that the ugly I see in myself is the truth. If I had excuses, I would know it somewhere, and it would be my irrational brain that hated myself and then my rational brain would fight it like I see them all doing, but my rational brain knows that I deserve the hate, that's why i never talk of myself being smarter or better in any way in any situation. lol the incoherence in this proves my point

[cowboy-lovin]

so me being the depressed unmotivated fuck piece of shit i am i left all my homework to the last minute and i thought one of our english assignments was due tomorrow so don't mine my clinicallydepressed+mentally ill girl with anxiety becaude wooHoo dEORESSION AiNt enOUGH fOR hER+ first day of menstruation and lord pray for her because she has genetically high cramps and blood loss aSS CALMY HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS OVER NOT FINISHING IT BECAUSE I LEFT THE RUBRIC AT SCHOOL AND NONE OF MY FRIENDS ARE ANSWERING MY TEXTS SO NOW IM DEBATING WHETHER TO KILL MYSELF OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONFRONTATION

"hello yE S0RIFESSOR I DIDNY DO MY PROJECT BECAUSE WELL IM UNMOTIVATED AJD THINK ABOUT KULLING MYSRLG EVERYDAY SO IN ORDER FOR ME NOT TO ACTUALLY DIE I HAVE TO CLOUD MY THOUGHTS BY SLEEPING ALL DAY AND LOCKING MYSELF IN MY ROOM AND DROWNING THESR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH MUSIC AND BOYYY HOMEWORK IS DEATG TO ME SO I DIDNT DO THIS PROJECT IS THAT OK" AND OTS LIJE MY ANXIETY POPS IN LIKE HEY BITCH u dIDNT DO UR HW CAUZ UR DEPRESSED WELL LEY ME MAKE THIS WORSE BY MAKING YOU HACE ANXIETY ATTACKS AND NONSTOP CRYIMG BECQUSE YOU CANT HANDLE SCOLDING WITHOUT BREAKING DOWN AND YOU BARELY CAN SAY A WORD TO THE PROFESSOR SO NOW!!! YOU MUST OVERTHINK ALL NIGHT, CRY A LOT, AND THINK OF WAYS TO KILL YOURSELG B.C. LIL OL

dePRESSO IS MY BFF QND WE WORK TOGETHER!!!!!

me: *about to go outside and hope a car runs me over*

phone: *beeps*

friend: oh dont worry the project isnt even due tomorrow we havent even started it yet lmao

me:

ohthaabkjesjsudufuck

also me:

lmao still wanna kill myself and break down crying for no reason but aight im good

[voiddvst]

All the ones you've not done

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?maybz4: Have you ever changed for someone?Yes and it was a terrible mistake 5: How is your relationship with your ex?I don't talk to two of them, one of which I have blocked on literally everything 7: Have you ever cheated?Nah that ain't my style 8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?Probably not lmao10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?Serious 11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?No bc in my experience they're terrible anyway12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?👀 (jk none)14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?Uh?? 16?? 15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?Not if it involved people under 18-20 bc like. That's creepy 16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?Kind of but not really. Attraction maybe 17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?Yes18: What do you consider a deal breaker?Okay there r some fetishes I couldn't deal with if they 10000% NEEDED it to get off 19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?When yr lonely and miserable and question everything 20: Are you currently in a relationship?Yee21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?Depending on the circumstances qnd bond, yes 22: Do you think people should date their friends?I mean everyone I've dated has been a friend first??23: How many relationships have you had?Four?? I think??24: Do you think love can last forever?Yes25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?Sure26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?Depends on why they don't approve27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?LEAVE HIS SORRY ASS JESUS CHRIST 28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?Yes29: What do you notice first about another person?How they talk, usually 30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?I love girls but also guys aren't terrible sometimes 31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?No b c I do too lol32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?Not.... technically, but one left some issues 33: Do you want to get married one day?Pls34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?My mom had my dad's name tattooed on her and it was a bitch to cover 35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?Yes bc like sex is nice and shit but I don't need it?? I have a hand if I'm that desperate and I'm not about to force someone or make them feel bad for not wanting it so 36: Are you still a virgin?No 37: What's more important: Looks or personality?Both bc I wanna laugh at u but also look at u 38: Do you enjoy love films?I mean sure??39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?Once I got them40: Have you ever had a valentine?Kind of41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?I don't think I have one?? I mean any time we go out its fun42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?For school yes43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?Both but at separate times and they all understand sometimes one takes priority over the other 44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?I'm gay for romance 45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?I mean no bc I'm happy with who I'm with so??46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"?No47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?I don't know any lmao48: What's your favorite love song?👀49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?Ya lmao50: If you're single, why do you think you are?Bc 51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?I'm greedy ad want the money but like. If they're nice.... (these answers r slowly dissolving)52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?Ya but I never follow it53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?No54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)?Not super important 55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?Probably. I mostly just want attention all the time56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?Definitely 57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?No 58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?I could be either??59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?I'm.... like super good at remembering dates so no but I don't hold it against ppl 60: What's your opinion on open relationships?As long as everyone involved is aware and consents they are A+ 61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?My partner bc she is my family 62: How do you define "cheating"?If ur not gonna tell them it's probably bad63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?No?? Bruh if u gotta get ur rocks off porn is like right there so long as it's not consuming ur life I think ur good 64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?Kind of but also discount chocolate 65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?CUDDLE ME UNTIL I DIE aight ur turn