#harry potter more like harry pooter!!!!

[gladdy-art]

Erm I drew that rel Goff from hairy potah because he is neat.

Ps. Jk Rowling… more like Jk Not-cool-ling!!!

Pps. Why tf this moffo gotta be in love with that chick? Can’t he just have a childhood best friend?

Ppps. I’m officially deleting his poopoo cannon motivations from my memory

Pppps. Why do you just keep adding p

[dewitty1]

“Then,” said Dumbledore, quietly but clearly, “we must ask ourselves why somebody within the Ministry ordered a pair of dementors into that alleyway on the second of August.”

In the complete silence that greeted these words, the witch to the right of Fudge leaned forward so that Harry saw her for the first time.

He thought she looked just like a large, pale toad. She was rather squat with a broad, flabby face, as little neck as Uncle Vernon, and a very wide, slack mouth. Her eyes were large, round, and slightly bulging. Even the little black velvet bow perched on top of her short curly hair put him in mind of a large fly she was about to catch on a long sticky tongue.

“The Chair recognizes Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister,” said Fudge.

The witch spoke in a fluttery, girlish, high-pitched voice that took Harry aback; he had been expecting a croak.

-TOAD IN A BOW!

[xiaq]

Harry flips through the first stack of documents and sighs.

He really shouldn’t be surprised, all things considered.

“Well?” Malfoy asks.

“Well,” Harry says, holding up an Alabama driver’s license. “Apparently my name is now Harold Pooter.”

Malfoy chokes on a laugh. Or maybe a bit of tomato.

“Good, strong, surname,” he says after a moment of wheezing. “It suits you.”

“Well, I’m glad you like it,” Harry says, paging through the next set of documents. “Because it’s your last name, too.”

Malfoy drops his fork. “I beg your pardon?”

“Mm. Drake Pooter. Apparently we’re married. A year ago today, even. Happy anniversary, dear.”

“Give me that.”

Harry hands over the paperwork as requested, watching as Malfoy’s facial expressions progress through all five stages of grief in the span of thirty seconds.

Malfoy picks up his fork again and holds it in a curled fist. “I’m going to kill him.”

“It’s not that bad,” Harry says, reaching to retrieve the documents. “It’s just for a day.”

Malfoy slaps away Harry’s extended hand.

“But—this is hardly fair.” He jabs the fork towards one page, “Did you see our occupations? Why do you get to be some reclusive tech prodigy and I’m just your—”

“Boy toy?”

Malfoy splutters. “I was going to say ‘kept man’ or ‘trophy husband’ but you’ve managed to make this even more horrifying, thank you.”

“No problem.”

Malfoy continues on to the next stack of papers.

“It makes sense,” Harry says, actually feeling a little bad despite the fact that it’s Blaise’s fault Malfoy will be playing the role of his poor, sickly, husband. “It covers all our bases: Homeschooled by cult-ish anti-vaccination types, a teenage runaway with no access to his meager health records, married young to the kind but eccentric millionaire who took him in and helped him adapt to the real world.”

“An eccentric millionaire now saddled with a spouse whose increasingly troubling symptoms have driven them to seek medical attention with said millionaire’s excellent insurance coverage. Sounds like you’re being taken advantage of, Mr Pooter.”

“I’m sure I find your charming company worth the hassle,” Harry says lightly.

[shepherds-of-haven]

what would the ROs think of that harry potter christian fic you liveblogged a while ago (presumably in a modern au dijdjdhd)?

First we must establish how each RO feels about Harry Potter!

Blade: read it secretly to see what all of the hullabaloo was about, enjoyed the arc of the characters having to grow up in war, shed a tear when Sirius died

How He Feels about The Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles: he didn’t read past the first page and promptly swept it out of his mind

Trouble: feels passionately that he would be in Gryffindor, conflicted on whether he hates Draco or not or would have saved him

How He Feels About the Fanfic: “this is dumb”

Tallys: read HP way too late to be able to participate in any discussions about it with anyone. Cried over Dobby and House Elf Rights and privately rereads the series on bad days

How She Feels About the Fanfic: she was so insulted by it and its depictions of feminism that she left a nasty comment for the writer, never getting far enough to realize it was trolling

Shery: is a huge HP fan and adamantly ships Harry x Hermione and Luna x Neville. Hermione and Luna are goddamn heroes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How She Feels About the Fanfic: she tries not to let thoughts of it ruin her day-to-day life

Riel: waited patiently for all of the books to come out before reading them all in one sitting. Enjoys the themes of the series but resents how stupid Harry and Ron are sometimes. Watches the movies only to criticize them for the content they left out from the books. Sympathizes with Snape for having to watch over this kid who’s constantly being a dick to him

How He Feels About the Fanfic: read all of “Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles” voraciously and for science. Figured out it was trolling within a few pages but read all the way to the end. An interesting foray into the world of fanfiction. He can write better.

Chase: he likes to make inappropriate puns (“Hairy Pooter in My Chamber of Secrets,” “Hairy Pooter and the Prisoner of Ass,” “Hairy Pooter and the Order of the Penis”) but has never read the books. The movies are fine

How He Feels About the Fanfic: if it doesn’t have a smut/lemon warning, he isn’t reading it

Red: he’s a huge Potterhead and went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for his birthday (and he was in college). He knows more about HP than you, fight him. Mad-Eye Moody is his favorite character, followed closely by Dumbledore. 

How He Feels About the Fanfic: never before has that sweet body been filled with more hatred than when reading it

Ayla: indifferent to Harry Potter. What’s the big deal?

How She Feels About the Fanfic: if she can’t be arsed to read the original, she isn’t going to read the shitty fanfic

Lavinet: read Harry Potter when she was younger but doesn’t have strong feelings about it as an adult today: fantasy isn’t really her genre.

How She Feels About the Fanfic: it’s a big old glass of pinot grossio

[gladdy-art]

I will never get over the idea that Jk Rowling (ewwww) basically wrote the books in a way that makes it so that Snape is the only goth in all of the god damn brittish isles

So I made this poorly constructed meme

(creds to whoever made the og with the knight in it i love u)