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laviefantasie · 8 months

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You’re Losing Me

Pairings: Eren Jaeger x Reader

Summary: Is love truly enough? Enough to stick around even when you feel yourself slowly dying from it? Can it truly ever be enough?

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She couldn’t breathe. She could feel her lungs pushing against her ribcage while looking for the oxygen they begged to inhale. Her heart throbbed against them, looking for any sign —no matter if it was painful— to remind itself that it still lived. That it could still beat.

She didn’t think she could blame her heart for the need to make sure it could still beat, not after the words she had just uttered to the reason it had been beating so harmoniously for so long.

“We’re done”

She didn’t even know she had said it until she saw his eyes widen in disbelief. She didn’t even know she’d ever truly have the courage to say it out loud.

But she had. It was done.

“What—why? Y/N, baby, what’s—I don’t understand”

Hurt. That’s all she could see on those blue-green eyes she had always found comfort in. Those who had always looked at her with so much love it had been unbelievable. Those eyes who lately hadn’t shined in her direction even once.

She could hear her pulse all throughout her body. She could hear it as loudly as if her heart had been pressed against her ears.

Could she truly say it again? Could she be brave—strong enough to utter those painful words one more time? Did she really have to?

“We’re… we’re done, Eren” she weakly whispers.

It pained her, of course. It truly felt as if she was forced to talk after swallowing glass, her throat and mouth filled with blood that stopped her from formulating the words as loud as she should’ve.

Eren shook his head in disbelief. Everything in his body felt numb. It felt as if someone had thrown a cold bucket of water at him and left him outside during winter with not even a jacket to give him a sense of warmth. This couldn’t be happening. He didn’t understand why it was happening.

“I don’t understand” he whispers weakly “I don’t… Y/N, please…”

“The fact th-that you don’t understand” she sobs weakly, the tears she had fought so hard to contain flowing freely down her cheeks, “Is even mor-more reason why we must bre-break up”

“Did I do something?” He asks, tears accumulating in his eyes “What did I do? I ca-will fix it”

She wanted him to stop. She didn’t want to hear him.

All this time she had been wanting him to fix what he had broken. All this time she had been waiting for him to realize that he was hurting her. That loving him was killing her. All this time she wanted him to give her one reason to stay.

And all this time he hadn’t.

“You can’t fix it”

Her voice once soft and weak became hard and pained. All the hurt she had to endure this last year coming back full force, giving her the strength she needed to save herself from self destructing. The strength she needed to not give in.

“It’s too late to fix it” she finalizes “I’ve been waiting all this year for you to fix it. I’m done waiting”

“Y/N—”

“Do you know how hard it was to watch you push everyone, including me, away?” She sobs “How hard it was to watch you shamelessly flirt with every girl that looked your way while I was right there at your side waiting for you to notice me? How hard it was to see you shrug off our relationship, our friendship, as if it was nothing?”

Eren’s eyes widen even more, if possible. Had he truly been doing that? He knew he had change, he knew he had closed off on his friends after his parents passing, but they had never once left his side. She had never left his side. No matter how hard he pushed. Or how cruel he was.

And then last year he had gotten his shit together. She had helped him with that. He had pushed all his pain onto something productive and had become the university’s star quarterback.

Is that when it all started? When his dull grief-striking eyes and neutral face had become the bad boy mysterious persona every girl wanted to date and every boy wanted to be. Was it then when he decided to play along to all of it just to not feel alone, to feel worthy, forgetting what he truly had always had by his side?

Had it really come to this? Had he really taken for granted what he had by believing he always would have it?

“We—I would’ve stayed with you through anything” she continues “I stayed through everything. No matter how bad it was. But… I’m out of reasons to stay”

“I love you”

Three words. Three words he had never once uttered in that year. Three words she had remembered herself those 365 days to keep fighting.

Those three words had already lost its meaning.

“Loving isn’t enough anymore”

And she turned around going for the door. He scrambled out of the bed he had been sitting while looking up at her as fast as he could.

She couldn’t leave. If she left it became real. If she left he wouldn’t be able to fix what he had broken.

Had he really broken the best thing that had happened to him? The one thing in his life that still gave him hope?

He tried to grasp her hand, to stop her from leaving, but she had already opened the door and crossed it. His hand met the wooden frame as her body started making her way through the hallway, away from his dorm.

How had it come to this?

It had been a year after Eren’s parents death through a tragic car accident. A year since Zeke, Eren’s older half-brother, had taken his custody. It had been a hard year. Eren’s eyes had lost its incomparable spark and his smile had ceased to exist.

Mikasa, Armin and Y/N, his closets friends since childhood, along with the rest of their gang had done everything they could to help him. Even when he snapped at them, spitting cruel words that fed into their insecurities, they never left his side. He pushed and pushed with all his might, anything to keep them away in fear of ever feeling the tightness in his chest of losing someone he loved again. But they pushed back. All of them. Never once giving in.

They knew he was hurting. They knew it. And they would never leave his side while he did so.

So they stuck around no matter how hurt they got along the way. Because it was Eren, and Eren deserved to have people fight for him as hard as he used to fight for them.

Y/N became the best fighter among them.

She would take his cruel malicious words with grace before embracing him against her warmth, letting him let out all his anger and sadness on her. Promising to carry it on her shoulders in hopes of lifting some from his, as small as the portion was.

And day by day, night by night, she stood tall by his side. Never once letting him fall.

He was thankful, even when he didn’t voice it. She had giving him something constant, something he could hold onto when the waves that came crashing towards him in hopes of drowning him got to him. She kept her hold steady and unfaltering, keeping him afloat.

So, when had he started taking it for granted?

“Eren Jaeger, isn’t it?”

He had been waiting outside the Economics classroom for Y/N’s class to finish so they could go have lunch when the captain of the cheerleading squad Historia was a part of first spoke to him.

It wasn’t that people didn’t know him around university, they did with him being the quarterback, he just wasn’t someone that you would think was easy to approach. So people normally didn’t. Not that he minded, he had all he needed with his friends and you by his side.

He nods, coldly.

But she smiled. As brightly as possible, her hazel eyes shining under the hallway’s lights.

“Last week’s game was amazing! You were so fast, it seemed nobody could ever come close to catching you” she giggled.

His cold demeanor melted slightly, not used to compliments from other than his coach and friends. Most people just clapped him on the back as a way to congratulate him, too afraid to say something to him.

He nods again in thanks.

“We, the cheer girls and the team’s boys, were thinking of holding a small get-together to celebrate the win” she continues “We’d like you to come. We know you don’t like those sceneries, as you’ve made clear before, but Connie and Jean are going. Reiner and Bertolt too”

He stays quiet.

“Just wanted to formally invite you. Hopefully the rest of your teammates going, the ones you’re actually close with, persuades you”

Before Eren can refuse, the bell rings and the door he was standing beside bursts open. Students cross it without even batting an eye.

Eren’s eyes soften once he catches a glance of you and the bright sincere smile you send his way when you see him. All under the cheerleading’s watchful curious gaze.

“Ren” you kissed his cheek before looking at the girl he was talking to, “Chloe! Hi! I haven’t seen you in a while, still battling with Calculus?”

The blonde girl, Chloe, groans, “Ugh, Mr. Ackerman is still the worst”

Both girls share a laugh under Eren’s curious gaze. Did they known each other? For the laugh you just shared and the familiarity in which you talked with one another he guessed you did. How? He guessed that through a class since he hadn’t ever seen you hang out with other girls that weren’t Mikasa, Sasha, Historia or Ymir.

“You know each other?”

His voice is cold and dull, but his gaze on you is soft. So soft that Chloe isn’t sure she imagined it. She didn’t know he could have a gaze as soft as that with the cold lifeless way he glared at everything around him.

And yet, Y/N smiled as if he had just told her she was the most beautiful girl to ever exist.

“We do! We met during Ackerman’s Calculus class last semester”

“This little genius became our teacher’s favorite while I am stuck with him once more” the blonde beauty groaned.

“You’ll get it this time. I can help you”

That’s something he had always loved about you. The selfless way you tried to help everyone in every little way you could.

“You’re an angel, Y/N” she smiles “How do you two know each other?”

Y/N’s smile brightened if possible, “This is my adorable boyfriend that I’ve told you about”

Chloe’s eyes widen in disbelief, “Eren Jaeger is the all-loving charismatic too-good-to-be-true childhood best friend told lover you’ve told me about?”

You laughed before nodding making Chloe’s eyes widen even more.

For Y/N, Chloe’s face was funny and innocent. Eren, on the other hand, understood the gleam of uncertainty in the blonde’s eyes. It was obvious she was trying to comprehend how the perfect boyfriend you had describe was the university’s feared lifeless bad boy.

It made him angry to feel as if he wasn’t worthy of you, he already thought so himself so seeing someone else think that made his blood boil.

He wanted to prove to everyone and to himself that he was worth it, that he could be worthy of you. So he did the one thing that condemned you both without even knowing it.

“When’s the party?”

The party had been eventful and unexpected. None of their friends had expected Eren and neither had they expected the way he had behaved that night. He had drank and talked, and even though he hadn’t laughed or smiled he had become this unapproachable guy that now everyone wanted to approach.

His aura was intoxicating. And like a moth to the flame, everyone would fly towards him as if he was holding the matches.

Mikasa, Armin and Y/N had watch with uncertainty the amount of attention Eren was receiving. But moreover, the way he seemed to be bathing in it. It was a weird sight. Eren had never been one to want attention, he always got it without looking for it though. But he had never seek it.

So why was he seeking and bathing in it now?

“Well…” started Armin “At least he seems okay”

Y/N nodded a little uncertain, but Mikasa frowned.

“I don’t like this” she muttered “Feels like the start of a disaster”

“Don’t frown, Mika” Y/N said lovingly, “Maybe this is what he needs to open up more. He’s been getting better, so maybe… maybe this is his way of trying to go back to who he is”

“I don’t know”

“We have to trust him” Armin added, “It’s not like he’s doing anything bad anyway, he’s just making friends”

Mikasa’s frown deepened but she let herself be guided out of the living room towards the kitchen by her two closest friends. She had a bad feeling about all of this, she just hoped she was wrong.

But they had all come to know a long time ago that Mikasa’s instincts were never wrong. Especially concerning Eren.

The first time they realize that something was wrong was during their monthly movie night between the Scouts, as they like to call themselves since their camp days where all they met and became friends. It was that night that Eren first truly disappointed them.

[ Can’t make it. Party at Floch’s. Srry ]

That’s all his text to the group chat had said. Not only had he totally blown them off on their tradition, but he hadn’t even bother to invite them. It was maddening. Especially since Connie and Jean were also invited to said party and refused to go because of their plans.

It weirded them all out. If they had invited Reiner and Bertolt and they cancelled they could’ve understood, they were close but not that close.

It had always been Armin, Mikasa, Eren and Y/N until camp. And then it had become Armin, Mikasa, Eren, Y/N, Jean, Connie, and Sasha. More had been added along the way, but the seven of them were as tight as possible. Nothing could ever come in their way, so why did it suddenly feel like something could?

They spent their movie night in an uncomfortable silence. Not even Jean, who always took every opportunity he could to insult Eren, said something.

And then one movie night missed became two and three until they just stopped expecting him to come.

At university, Eren barely found them to spend time with them during his breaks or lunch as they were used to. Instead they were forced to look for him all throughout the campus, always finding him surrounded by other team members or cheerleaders.

And even then, Armin and Y/N tried to convince themselves this was just him trying to become socially available once again. No matter how many times Mikasa told them she didn’t believe that was the case.

Their disappointment reach its breaking point when Armin received an ‘SOS’ text from Mikasa asking him to go to their dorm, only to find a dolled up sobbing Y/N on the dark-haired beauty’s embrace. Eren had missed their anniversary date to hang out with Floch. Y/N could’ve probably let it slide if it hadn’t been for the any times he had already cancelled —and stood her up— before.

That was the last straw for Armin.

He had seen you, Y/N, his childhood best friend give your all to the blue-green-eyed boy. Since the moment you both had met Eren and Mikasa, you had always given all you could give to Eren. Especially the last couple of years when he had started to become unstable. You had never given in. Never had you left him alone, no matter how many reason you’d had.

So what gave him the right to make you cry?

Armin never again excused his behavior after that night. Him and Mikasa always standing beside you as you had to endure the attention from girls Eren was receiving, especially when he seemed to enjoy it so much. More than once had they offered to give him a peace of their minds, begged you really, but you had refused. You didn’t know what was going on through his head but you had faith in him. Faith that he would figure it out and fix it, as he had always done before.

You had waited for the whole year.

Your last straw came on your birthday. Just a month after Christmas, which Eren failed to celebrate with the Scouts again in their traditional small gathering on the 25th.

Your friends had all prepared you a surprise party, which they had planned through a secret group chat in which Eren had failed to text back every time. The party was set to start at 10 o’clock at night at Armin’s house, giving you enough time to spend the morning as you always did with your family and the rest of the day with Eren, as they all had been used to since you two started dating exactly five years ago when both of you were fifteen. It was perfect, honestly, you’d be too distracted with the brunette boy to find suspicious why they all had been MIA.

Except Eren didn’t show up at your doorstep. He hadn’t even called or texted.

Which meant you spent the rest of the day before the party locked in your room crying silently while you wondered why.

Only to find out through Floch’s instagram story he was at his house, with an unknown girl under his arm.

By the time Mikasa had gone to pick you up at your childhood home, you were asleep on your bed with swollen eyes and dry tear and mascara stains on your cheeks. She had gasped at the sight, not understanding what had happened. At least until she saw what was on the phone —which was still unblocked— you held softly in your grasp.

And the dark-haired beauty saw red.

She had texted Armin and soon the party had moved to your living room, and instead of a party they turned it into a movie night. They decorated the place and made a blanket fort, Annie even going as far as going to buy some fairy lights to put all over the place.

By the time Sasha went to wake you up and helped you get ready, all of them hid awaiting your arrival.

It had helped heal your broken heart a little.

Still you couldn’t ignore what had been going on for long enough anymore. You had finally ran out of excuses.

So the next week when Armin went to the dorm you and Mikasa shared, you knew. And they knew you knew. So they held you, all day and night, trying to give you the strength you’d need to do what was right for you.

And you did.

And that’s how you’d both gotten to this stage of your story. As painful as getting there had been.

Eren fell to the floor. His knees had given out. He had been frozen on his spot, watching the door intently as if that would somehow make you come back. He thought he had been doing the right thing, he thought he had finally start becoming someone worthy of you. Someone that deserved to be loved by someone as good as you.

He was sobbing. He didn’t even know when he had started, but his body shook with the force of each sob.

He didn’t know what to do. How could he keep going without your unwavering presence beside him giving him the strength he needed to fight back against the cruel world they lived in?

That’s how Armin found him when he came back from his classes. Hugging his knees to his chest on the floor as he sobbed his heart out.

“So she actually did it, huh?”

His teary gaze found his best friend’s stone cold one.

“I d-don’t… Ar-Armin, I don-don’t unders-understand”

“You don’t understand?” He scoffed, “You missed every single movie night we’ve had for a year. You’ve missed every date you guys planned. You missed your anniversary, Christmas, the New Year. And you don’t understand?”

Eren stares, dumbfounded. Had he truly missed all that? He couldn’t even remember properly at this moment.

“You even missed her birthday” Armin continued, “It was last Friday, FYI”

Another sob wrecks through his body. Your birthday, he had missed your birthday. He didn’t even remember the last time he had ever missed one and now he had completely forgotten about it.

What was wrong with him?

“I truly don’t know what was going through your head all this year. Nor why you did every single thing you did” Armin sighed “I’m just glad she finally had the courage to walk away. You were killing her. Everytime you flirted with another girl, every time you blew her off, you were killing her. I’m glad she finally walked away”

Eren had no idea something could hurt this much after his parents’ passing. But it truly hurt more to know he had lost the person he loved the most when she still was at arm’s length.

Especially when this time there was nothing nor no one else to blame but himself. He had pushed you too far this time and you weren’t coming back.

He had lost you.

#eren yaeger aot #eren yeager x oc #eren jaeger x y/n #eren jaeger x oc #eren yeager x reader #eren jaeger x reader #eren aot #eren x reader #erenjaeger #eren yeager #eren jaeger x femreader #attackontitan #attack on titan #mikasa aot #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert #Spotify

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savkirschtein · 6 months

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𝐀𝐎𝐓 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐭𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 🎧

characters: Eren jager, Mikasa Ackerman, Armin Arlert, Jean Kirschtein, Connie Springer, Sasha Braus, Marco Bodt

warnings: modern au? just playlists specially curated by me based off of my perceptions of each character and what I think they'd enjoy music wise :)))

𝑬𝒓𝒆𝒏 𝑱𝒂𝒆𝒈𝒆𝒓:

Is most definitely into dark indie, slow rap and r&b with some lowkey electronic

BIG TIME THE WEEKND ENTHUSIAST. Loves himself some Chase Atlantic too.

a lot of people would assume Eren listens to hardcore rock or even heavy hitting rap, which he isn't opposed to

but considering Eren's outward life, whether it be family issues or whatever, I imagine that he would prefer his music to be more laid back and steady

𝑴𝒊𝒌𝒂𝒔𝒂 𝑨𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒏:

Mikasa we all know is just a lil emo and her music taste is a slight reflection of that. Indie rock, alternative, folk rock all within her realm.

Now as soft spoken and gentle as this girl is, definitely wouldn't put it past her to listen to heavy metal just casually on a walk

She is a huge fan of Lana Del Ray, Mitski, Clairo, TV Girl, and Cigarettes After Sex

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE. LANA DEL RAY. is def one of Mika's playlist names.

𝑨𝒓𝒎𝒊𝒏 𝑨𝒓𝒍𝒆𝒓𝒕:

Is a huge alt pop, synth indie, post-punk lover

Armin's taste in music is honestly what would be used to score any and all great coming of age films

LOVES The Wallows, Bleachers, OneRepublic, and Coldplay

He is definitely the person you hand the aux to on a summer roadtrip

𝑱𝒆𝒂𝒏 𝑲𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒄𝒉𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒊𝒏:

Jean's music taste is probably the most diverse compared to everyone else's

His genre bases being alt hiphop and r&b, indie rock, and trap soul

His faves being Cigarettes After Sex, Brent Faiyaz, and The Neighbourhood

This is the man you want to go on a late night drive with through the city

𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒆 𝑺𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓:

Connie is literally 2010s rap and hiphop personified

his fave genres being alt hiphop, r&b, west coast rap/hiphop

Connie is a big time Tyler the Creator fan, loves himself some J. Cole and SZA

Connie is the person you hand aux to at any and all parties, guaranteed satisfaction with him on music

𝑺𝒂𝒔𝒉𝒂 𝑩𝒓𝒂𝒖𝒔:

Sasha is who you go to if you want to feel like you're a teen girl alone in your room with a hair brush in hand pretending its a microphone

her genres being alt pop, indie, Kpop, electro pop, and art pop

she was there for the resurgence of bands in the 2010s, and was a hardcore stan of all of them (5SOS, 1D, The Vamps, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony etc.)

she definitely still holds onto the hope of a 1D reunion

her faves being Olivia Rodrigo, Lorde, Harry Styles, Gracie Abrams, Taylor Swift

𝑴𝒂𝒓𝒄𝒐 𝑩𝒐𝒅𝒕:

Marco is a softie and it reflects in what he listens to

His main genres been electric r&b, alt pop, and indie

Marco's favorite artists would be: BROCKHAMPTON, Khalid, Daniel Caesar, and Omar Apollo

Marco has definitely gone to multiple concerts of his faves and collects their vinyls

#Spotify #savkirschtein #aot x reader #aot fluff #aot headcanons #aot imagines #shingeki no kyojin #eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert #jean kirstein #jean kirschtein #connie springer #sasha braus #marco bodt

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daryascurse · 1 year

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He Eats His Hot Roommate Out!! ~ Eren Jaeger x Reader

. . . His hands flex on you. And then he hesitates, with his lips so close to your thighs the heat of his breath prickles your skin.

“Mmm… ah! Oh I love that oh my god - !”

You push your lips together, but the abrupt sass comes out of you anyway on the tails of the crappy video dialogue.

“Don’t tell me you’ve actually never eaten ρussy before,” you say. You can’t even try not to sound insulting. . . .

part one (scummy eren) || part two (scummy reader)

reader: POV second person, AFAB , nongendered pronouns ⟡ content: modern AU, sIutty roommates, pοrn, oraI (female recieving), fingering, spitting, suggestively dom reader undertones, reader body worship ⟡ wordcount: ~3.9k ⟡ ao3 link ⟡ recommended mood playlist: red velvet cake

ɴꜱꜰᴡ ᴍᴅɴɪ. I have a very strict adult-only interaction policy. Ageless, blank, and clearly minor-run blogs that interact will be blocked. If you have questions about what that means, please read the byf in my pinned post.

Author's note: To clarify, this is not meant to be a continuance of part 1. It's more just, same situation (watching pοrn while getting head) but different receiver. It still ended up being nicer than how I planned it...

“Oh – mm – mmhmm …”

You’ve rationalized it to yourself – the neighbors are to blame.

Because the neighbors, the neighbors who you and your own roommate Eren Jaeger have only met in passing, the tall man with a scruffy chin and narrow nose, the woman with eyes and arms of steel, the neighbors who offer polite smiles and morning greetings at the elevators, have extremely loud sex. Seemingly, they have it whenever they want. Monday mornings, the groans rumbling in harmony with your alarm; Thursday nights while your fingers hover over your phone and text your friends that it’s fucking happening again; Saturday afternoons, on those infrequent moments where you and Eren happen to both be in the apartment for a late lunch. You’ve started to talk about it more openly, a conversation topic that was too awkward to even acknowledge the first few months.

“Have you ever knocked on the ceiling?” Eren asked one day, his voice sharp with irritation as he rummaged through the cupboard. You found it suddenly hard to make eye contact with him when he turned around. Your face felt warm.

“I’ve tried.”

“Same.” He slammed the cupboard shut, and it enunciated the weighty, dull knocks of the bed shifting across the upstairs floor. It always seemed to rumble through the entire apartment, small as it was. “I’m gonna email the landlord.”

You wiped your fingers. “You think it would make things weird?”

From the way Eren looked at you, he didn’t quite understand what you meant. You started to speak, interrupting the break of air in his voice, hastening to clarify. “I mean,” you said, “could you ask to make a complaint anonymously?”

Eren still frowned, a cloudy furrow over his eyes. “Do you know them?” He pointed limply to the innocent ceiling.

“No, besides saying hey sometimes. I just wouldn’t want things to be awkward around the building.”

“It’s not awkward now?” Eren mumbled. But the conversation died from there. And now whenever there’s a scoffed comment about it, the flush still slightly warm on your cheeks, he hasn’t brought up the landlord again. He might have complained back then. After all, things upstairs had calmed down for a month or so, but it didn’t last. You text each other sometimes when it’s really bad, little eye rolls, almost the same way you text other friends about it. But by and far the shared experience hasn’t deepened the friendship past this living arrangement with a convenient split rent and compatible enough personalities.

He’s good with sharing laundry pods and paper towels as communal resources. He mostly keeps to himself. He’s nice enough. He’s nice-looking too. So sure – the subject matter made you flush perhaps specifically because of it being him. Maybe that’s why you overthink every word you type out when the upstairs symphony begins.

Eren texted you the other day, and you read the screen of gleaming chat history when you opened the notification.

From you, two weeks ago: “np! :)” from the end of a brief conversation about the water bill.

Three days ago, he’d texted, “Are you here?” You’d responded a few hours later, apologizing for missing the message. He’d been locked out but you were on the way back by then.

And then at the bottom came a text from Eren that seemed some kind of shift from the aloof cordiality of this roommate-relationship.

“Do you have good speakers?”

“I have Bluetooth speakers that can get pretty loud. Why?” you wrote back after a pause.

“Talked to my friend Armin.”

A new message. “He gave me a good idea.”

“About…” You typed some words, deleted them, and decided on leaving the ellipses. You sent the text.

“The upstairs problem.”

“Oh,” you heard yourself say out loud. Your fingers tensed in cramped grip around the phone. Was Eren too uncomfortable with the topic to text about it clearly – the same way you were so careful not to use specific words when you talked with him about it compared to other friends? Was he trying to be silly, joke, in a way that you didn’t understand, by being ominous? Did he just think that was all that needed to be said? “I’m in,” you wrote back at last.

Which is why it’s all because of the upstairs neighbors. The upstairs neighbors are why you’re sitting in the common space, knees curled into the back of the couch, with pοrn stuttering and buffering from Eren’s laptop and moaning out of your speakers. They’re resting on the top of the bookshelf, pointing towards the ceiling.

“Oh – yeah – yeah – yeah!”

And Eren’s in the room, too. He’s half-crouching over his laptop on the floor, checking the Bluetooth connection and hovering his mouse over suggested videos in the sidebar, as if he hasn’t committed to this being the right one.

It’s easier to stare at the screen just over his shoulder than it is to study the shadow and curve of the back of his neck. It’s easier to follow the motion of jerking hips and trembling lips than the strands of hair looped lazily in a bun that’s threatening to fall out if he moves his head too quickly. You squint, trying to read out the titles of the gallery of videos he’s scrolling down, because you’d be rather caught looking at those than looking at him when he turns around.

Amazing big tit hotties enjoy face sitting.

She can’t stop cheating with the mailman!

Top ten vintage cumshots HD.

“Ah, ah, ah – fuck!”

Eren clicks another video, and the sound hiccups for a moment.

“Think it’s loud enough?” Eren asks as the video loads. He turns his head just slightly, the tip of his nose casting a shadow. You blink, meeting his eyes involuntarily. His gaze is clear. Neutral.

You wonder what your expression is, and straighten a leg off the couch in an attempt to casually stretch.

“Sure,” you say, and clear your throat. “Bet they can hear that.”

“Guess we, uh,” Eren says, and he turns his head back to the screen. “Wait.”

“Wait for them to stomp on floor, or something?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Eren says. His voice has a hesitation at the end, as if he was about to say more.

Neither of you move, neither of you continue speaking. You clear your throat again. Your heart begins to beat heavier through you, raising to your ears. The couple on screen is chiming nasally to each other.

“Oh yeah? Oh yeah?”

“So, this is what you like to watch?” you hear yourself ask, and the words taste clumsy on your tongue. It feels like you spoke too fast.

Eren makes a short laughing sound. “Um,” he says, and it carries a sense of embarrassment – but a linger at the end, lips pressed together as if something could burst out. “What, are you judging?”

You hadn’t even really registered what was on the laptop. You shift, your one knee still bent into the back of the couch, the other beginning to tense as you roll your foot into the floor. You peer past him. “I need your warm cum! He fucks me passionately!” is the title.

The man on the screen is letting out a long, rasping moan. The woman kneeling on the mattress has her lips turned in a pinched, coy smile, and her tongue spills out of her open mouth on her way up his cock. The camera zooms in on her swirling her tongue around his tip and flattening into long, slow strokes as she moves back down.

“Oh,” he groans, and she chokes a breath in response.

The sound is so obscene, so lusty. You watch as the camera tracks her fingers moving down to touch herself, rubbing between her legs.

You look at Eren again, eyes flicking down to his clean, trimmed fingernails for a moment. “Not judging,” you say. You hear yourself fall in the same slow, lingering tone, and you almost want to grin, wild, for a moment. “I can certainly see why that’s what you might want.”

It’s so, so personal, to make any sort of comment about it. But this sort of judgment feels especially personal – because it is a judgment, despite your demure disclaimer. Of course it’s personal to imply, you like to watch a dick get slobbered on, because you want your dick sucked and slobbered on.

Too personal for roommates.

Eren raises his eyebrows. In the space before he responds, you begin to feel your heart again, louder than the audio from the speakers, in a wild panic. “And what do you want?”

You look back at the screen and hesitate. The adrenaline is leaving your body aching. You adjust your seat again, bringing the other foot down to the floor and resting your elbows on your knees to lean forward. Closer. You squint at the screen.

But Eren turns too, putting his finger in a delicate pose on the mousepad again. He drags the arrow across the red progress bar to fast-forward through the video. The audio skips as he finds a satisfactory playing point, and it’s suddenly the man knelt with his fingers disappeared between her legs. “Ah, ahh – yeah, fuck, touch me,” cuts immediately from the speakers as her eyelids lower, makeup smeared across the bridge of her nose and face visibly flushed. Her hips rock, and she moans louder and louder.

It’s hard to look at it clinically, the way you should be looking at this whole situation. It does make sense, what his friend suggested, to blast sounds of pοrn towards the ceiling. So you should have put it on and left the room with a half-smile. You shouldn’t be feeling hot between your legs, the tension thick in the air.

“Is that more like what you’d want?” Eren asks.

He’s turned back to you, eye narrowed in an even gaze over the black curl of his hoodie. Your mouth is open, which you only realize when you close it. Your tongue is a little dry. You twist your lips.

“Maybe,” you say at last, with a suggestive dance through the syllables. “If it’s, you know. Good.”

Eren’s turning away from the laptop. He’s lowering a leg, muscular when you stare at it up close now, for the first time. You sit up and draw your elbows back, as he comes forward, between your legs already spread against the sofa. You part your lips, eyes flickering again, down to the hands reaching to frame your knees, up to his eyes. Your hips are sinking into the couch, sinking into his gaze, the color growing darker as his lids sink.

And he kisses you, in a way roommates shouldn’t kiss – though roommates shouldn’t kiss at all. Your hands forget this, and you’re grabbing at him, his hand at your waist. Eren is strong as he looks, now that you’re studying and learning these details. You want to collapse into him, your mouth trembling, the cacophony of pοrn wailing in your ears. Eren’s lips are warm, the ministrations of the kiss strong. Your head spins when it breaks.

He’s looking at you, dull vision in the low light. Something physically shudders in you.

“Think you can?” you whisper, your lips so soft without his.

You’re so far beyond roommates now. Your fingers are trembling, palms aching with the nerves. Eren’s eyelashes are longer than when you’ve noticed them as he opens the door to let you in when your arms are full. He has a light dusting of freckles at the apples of his cheeks, and you couldn’t have seen them without being this close to his face. Being so close is the only way you could see the way his neck slopes to the branches of his collarbone, the only way to smell the remnants of deodorant, or gel, something that leaves him scented slightly floral, mixed with a hinoki wood musk.

Your nostrils flare and your mouth waters.

Eren’s tongue pushes at his bottom lip as he grins. “Can what? Do it good?”

You raise your eyebrows. Neither of you saying it clearly still. But Eren lets go, your hand moving to follow his down to the couch as he lowers between your legs again.

“Mmm.”

His hands dance away to your hips, gripping fingers around the waistband to force their way between your flushing skin and the fabric. When he urges your hips up to roll your clothes down, you realize how tense your thighs have been. When had they started trembling? How long had you been waiting?

You shift your hips forward, sitting at the edge of the couch.

“Oooh yeah!”

The man on screen slaps her cunt, and she shrieks again.

Eren’s mouth is parted, with teeth wet and tongue red as he kneels between you. He spreads his hands across your thighs. It gently pushes your muscles in a slight strain and you let out a sound closer to a whimper than a moan. It rises with the speaker sound.

His hands flex on you. And then he hesitates, with his lips so close to your thighs the heat of his breath prickles your skin.

“Mmm… ah! Oh I love that oh my god - !”

You push your lips together, but the abrupt sass comes out of you anyway on the tails of the crappy video dialogue.

“Don’t tell me you’ve actually never eaten pussy before,” you say. You can’t even try not to sound insulting.

Eren looks up at you. Loose hair, too short to make it all the way to the bun, slips around his forehead, his eyelashes casting dark shadows down his cheeks as you look down at him. There’s something rolling in his eyes, something you can’t read. Something you’re not familiar enough with him to decipher.

There’s no time to think further of it, because when his tongue hits you, it’s hungry. And he is good, fuck, god. He lets his tongue dance, and it’s building a friction in a slow way. Your thighs are tensing again, hard against the grasp of his fingers. You can feel it, each push of his tongue, you can feel the oil of it dripping from you onto his tongue.

Your hips jerk against the couch. The breaths you take are moans, slipping in and out of the laptop sounds. The woman is shrieking now, but the air is coming too heavily out of your lungs to pitch as high as hers. She’s throwing her head back in exaggerated ecstasy.

“Ah – ah! Fuck!”

“Oh,” you say in genuine urgency. You could swear Eren’s smiling into you, a triumph, lips gathered in a kiss across your skin. His tongue moves in circles, a flick up, a pressure that makes your hips squirm.

It feels as if he’s desperate to taste everything, as if he can’t have enough of that first flavor. And you let him have it, your breath a melody of sighs, your hips straining into his face. You twist your hips into the couch as the friction dances under your skin. The couch groans, sofa legs skidding slightly as the pressure of your bodies urges it closer to the wall.

The rising heat is agonizing, teasing.

“Use,” you pant, “your fingers.”

Your command is met immediately as a hand lifts from your thigh, the push of muscle slightly relaxing your leg. There’s a break of breath, warm air hitting your sensitive skin. Eren’s middle finger slides into you with ease, bent knuckles on either side pushing into your folds in smooth ripples, pushing at you just slightly. Your hips begin to shift, almost grinding up, and he begins to pull out, curling his finger and just barely pressing. You pulse hot around him.

“Fuck – yes,” and it’s you, not the laptop.

Eren looks up with that heavily lidded gaze. He straightens his shoulders, and looks down for a moment. It’s too fast for you to realize at first, but you suck in a loud gasp when he spits right on your cunt. His eyes flit back up to you, that wet smile breaking in a half-open grin as his hand shifts again, his thumb reaching up to spread his palm across you. It teases you open, exposed, rubbing saliva into you with his thumb.

“Mm baby, oh, baby fuck…”

You beat below his touch, slipping wet and hot under his finger. And yet you’re shivering.

“Good?” Eren asks. It should sound snarky, mocking. Of course he knows it feels good. But the eagerness shuddering through his bones is betraying him through the breath cracking from his lips, the way something desperate shines in his eyes as he looks up.

It feels right to cast your gaze down on him, to watch his hands clasping around your body in something like supplication. A flushed face, wide pupils, greet you in response. It suits him like this.

“Keep going,” you say thickly.

Eren shifts, and you’re spread between clumsy fingers as he puts his lips back on you with a low moan. He slips another finger in, a stretch, as his tongue flicks up. He begins to move in circles.

“Ohmygod yes...!”

That eager heat below your hips is burning harder. You’re not thinking of it when you grab the back of his head with one hand. Your fingertips dig under tufts of dark hair, a thick strand of elastic threatening to snap under your grip. And your thighs are sore again.

You’re fucking your hips back into his mouth, that’s why every physical sensation is so heightened. The heat of his breath, the press and roll of his fingerprints, almost agonizes as every touch spins you closer to an almost static euphoria.

It’s you again, not the speakers, as the whine rises – “don’t stop, don’t stop, you can’t stop.”

You thread Eren’s hair between your fingers. You can’t think of how sharply you might be pulling, but your grip just so perfectly cages the back of his head. It lets you coax him, direct where to go. You press, trembling, holding his face in a position that keeps his tongue working right where you want it.

On screen behind him, the woman is doing the same thing. She’s moving harder than you, the tendons flexing across her knuckles as she buries the man’s head in her lap. Your fingers tense, Eren’s hair sliding beneath the sweat of your grasp. And your other hand is under your shirt, moving with that same thoughtless instinct to touch yourself, the cool pinch you give your nipple shuddering through your body as it rolls, warm, under your fingers.

“Right there,” you moan. “Keep – fuck –”

Eren increases his pace. His fingers inside you are pressed to the heat, and they curl, faster and faster. His tongue laps furiously.

Then he breaks away with a gasping breath, and you whine, tracing the back of his head through his hair. The motion inadvertently yanks his loose bun free.

“No,” you say, in a tone that almost surprises yourself. “Don’t stop.”

The dark strands fall wirily to his shoulders, framing a face that turns up to you. His eyes are wild and full with lust. You reach out for Eren again, with a trembling hand that pushes a stray bit of hair off his forehead. He leans down as you do, and kisses the inside of your thigh.

It leaves the patch of skin cool, wet, sticky. He turns his fingers in you and adjusts his kneeling. You lean back, pushing the sofa back against the wall with another knock. Eren’s sitting up, his wrist angled. He leans between your aching, spread thighs. His fingers begin moving faster.

“Fuck, fuck! Fuck me right there!”

“How’s that?” Eren asks, breathless. The heel of his palm is grinding into your clit and your lips purse, a gentle, wordless “oh!” waiting to break. The slender, strong fingers that scoop into you aren’t reaching deep anymore, but he’s found one place where the sigh comes free from your lungs.

You pinch yourself again and moan as the heat rushes in tandem with his touch.

“Right there,” you echo the laptop, and your hand falls limp to your lap.

“Okay,” Eren says. And it’s almost a whisper, so soft, so attentive. You reach forward with pleading arms. “Okay, okay,” he says again, in a murmur before your bodies lean together, and your lips meet again.

His tongue slides immediately into your mouth, and the taste of you is cold. This kiss is sloppy, somehow bolder than the first. You’re missing each other’s lips and moaning each other’s names when a kiss lands on a chin, the corner of a mouth. Your hips are shaking, grinding into his hand. The couch fabric chafes against the back of your thighs.

“Make me,” you say, breathy into his mouth, a strand of saliva still a thread connecting you. “Eren – make – me – cum – ”

And it sounds like he’s whimpering too, when he presses his face into your shoulder and his hand rotates again. He angles back down and pushes in deeper. His other hand turns, fingers braced gingerly at your hips, as his thumb presses and rubs your clit in big, messy circles. It aches deliciously, a delicious, hot aching.

You grab at him, right over his shoulders, grasping at the heavy fabric of his hoodie. His fingers curve harder when you arch your back into him. It’s building, hurtling in a way that only needs a few more moments, a few more touches, before it’s inevitable

“Yes, yes, yes, oh my god – ”

“Oh my god!” you cry.

It’s so inevitable that what happens next can’t even interrupt you. Eren’s hand doesn’t slow, your grip doesn’t soften, even when the slapping whacks against the floor below you go on for an obviously long amount of time. You rush over his fingers to the sound of the downstairs neighbors. It feels like your vision is black and fuzzy, static and blood in your ears. Even in your commanding position, even with the incessant knocks below, you shake helplessly into him.

Eren only stops fucking you with his fingers when you do let go, slumping back, even into the rough couch too warm to offer a cooling comfort.

You exhale. The room is still shrieking with the theatrics of the woman’s orgasm. Another, irritated slap against the ceiling downstairs.

“Shit,” Eren says, and leans back hastily. He pauses the video with the heel of his palm. You notice his fingers glistening.

He sees you watching him, and grins – impish, with bared teeth – before reaching up to lick his hand and taste you again.

“Wow,” you say at last. Collecting your thoughts is hard. You stare at the pixels on the screen, the unflattering freeze-frame pause of the couple fucking on the bed. “Wow.”

Eren sits on the couch next to you. You shift your legs together, feeling the dampness, the tacky fluids of his saliva and your cum drying against skin as your knees touch.

“I’ll clean the couch later,” you mutter.

Eren might not have heard you. He’s looking at the ceiling, with bright eye and a flush still across his cheeks. He holds his hands in his lap carefully, as if the threads still lingering on his skin are precious spun silver. “Think it worked?” he asks.

“For them?” You haven’t been thinking of the people who spend their days animalistic and scraping the floor with their beds in a while. You’ve been thinking of someone else. “I didn’t hear anything. Maybe.”

“Hmm.” Eren turns his eye down to you. “Well. Maybe we’re the upstairs neighbors now.”

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moonspirit · 8 months

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Papamin Propaganda - Armin's natural affinity for children

This is nowhere near as lucid or detailed as I wanted it to be, but I've managed to throw a few points together, so have it anyway.

There are quite a few characters in AoT who have shown remarkable compassion and empathy toward children, notably, Levi, Reiner, Jean, Hange, and so on. In this post we'll talk about Armin.

Episode 72 (S04E13) is titled "Children of the Forest" and I think it's quite self-explanatory at this point - as Sasha's father put it, the children of this ruined world have been roaming around in a forest of endless violence, unable to find a way out of it. By the end of AoT, the characters who are presently "children" (i.e, Gabi, Falco, Kaya, and so on) do end up exiting this 2000 year old forest, toward a new world of harmonious co-existence. What I love particularly about the episode titling sequence however, is that Episode 71 (S04E12) is called "Guides" - and it deals mostly with the people who will act as the literal "guides" to the "Children in the Forest". This is of course, Hange & the surviving members of the 104th, and therefore also, Armin.

(In a previous post I've talked at some length about why I consider Armin to be *THE* guide out of the forest, for not only children, but humanity as a whole; so we will not go into that here. Instead we'll stick to why Armin has a natural affinity and flair for handling children specifically.)

It's important to remember that Armin was a bullied child, one at the receiving end of a never-ending stream of insults, kicks, and violence. Despite being abandoned by his parents and eventually also losing his grandfather, Armin never lost his kindness and gentle persona. This, at an age when children are heavily influenced by their surroundings and what they witness through the behaviors of other people, *can* be a bit surprising. It is a known fact that bullies are born due to (among other things) a variety of self-esteem issues and jealousy. I would say Armin retained this softness because in spite of being orphaned, & considered the 'weakest' among the 104th, he always received love from those around him (the fact that he couldn't see this love and value placed in him is a different thing entirely), and was treated with kindness too (ah the days before Floch came along with his insults were peaceful #_#)

Moving on to the aforementioned episodes in particular: It is Sasha's father who introduces the concept of the forest, we know Hange cries "Genocide isn't right!" twice (and thereby making it clear that she is the most senior "guide" in all of the bunch), but it is Armin who is the first to put to literal action the meaning and role of being a guide that brings children out of the forest.

Between episode 71, 72, 81 (S04 P2 E06), 82 (... E07) & 83 (... E08), the events taking place are very tightly packed together. Everything from the first reveal of Eren's Jaegerist faction to the beginning of the Rumbling takes place. It is a period when the military is in shambles, Eren has pushed his friends away and become that giant bony monster, Falco's been taken hostage, Hange's hiding away taking care of Levi, and the rest of our characters are dispersed across various locations, stumped and paralyzed with fear and hesitation about what to do about the world getting trampled outside. It is a period of intense confusion, and there is no unity between anybody. The Alliance hasn't been born.

In this duration of time, we see the following:

1. Armin helping a battered and bloody Gabi get up in Niccolo's restaurant and helping her walk to the next room, away from the arguing adults.

2. Telling her in no uncertain terms that she's not going to be killed out of vengeance. It's important to note this because while Gabi's already received the kindness of other people by this point (Sasha's family), she soon comes to know that Armin is Eren's best friend, i.e the Devil's best friend, and yet, he's still kind to her.

3. He meets up with Gabi, and tells her honestly what's happened. Now this is a favorite scene of mine, but you'll notice that when Gabi falls to her knees, everyone's standing around towering over her, but in the end, Armin kneels to her level, holding her gently by the shoulders. Body language is a powerful tool to convey a person's emotions and intent; he does ask her about what she saw when the walls fell, but he still does it gently, and at her level of height where she doesn't have to crane her neck up to look at someone 'commanding' her. It's a humane action, gentle and kind, an indirect way of saying "I'm listening, you can trust me, so don't be afraid." It's also pertinent to note that of all the people around Gabi in that moment, Armin's the most approachable. Mikasa's withdrawn, in a turmoil of her own. Sasha's family is clueless. Connie kidnapped Falco, not a good image. Jean's rough, prone to losing his temper. Hange & Levi nowhere to be seen. But Armin? He was kind to her at the restaurant, and continues to be so, retaining his softness both in manner and speech, with her.

4. With Mikasa immediately after (the outburst scene), we see him say many things; that the line of command has broken down completely, that they need Gabi's trust if they have to do something by forming a team with the Cart & Jaw titans. Remember: Hange & Levi are missing, two of the closest superiors the kids know to look for guidance; and yet he alone makes the difficult decision of going after Falco. This move of his does three things: (a) It wins Gabi's trust in full, (b) Tells Gabi (and also to us as the readers) that he doesn't agree with Eren's actions, (c) Lays the very foundation for the Alliance before anybody's even told him to.

5. With Falco's scene, things are once again, self-explanatory - but I like one specific detail. We see the others trying to catch some shut-eye (Mikasa, Jean, Annie, Hitch, etc). Earlier with Mikasa, Armin had expressed his wish to just sleep for two days straight. And yet it's HIM who rides with Gabi all through the night non-stop to get Falco back, trying to catch up to Connie who's had a head-start, waaayy before them. This little detail, imo, shows his dedication and drive for what he believes in, as well as strong empathy and understanding for these hurting children, who don't know any better. (I don't know if Gabi knows he's the holder of the Collosal titan atp... I think she knows? If yes, it would show how much she already trusts him, going with him alone. Now tell me that isn't because of the compassion and empathy he's shown toward her.)

It's obvious that all of the 104th understand where children like Gabi come from - brainwashed and rabid as they are. But in choosing to show Armin as the one who takes the first step in bringing the Alliance together, through the heart and mind of a child, I find myself believing - this man's going to be a GREAT dad.

Sorry if this was all over the place xD I wanted to make it more coherent, but I don't have the energy, welp. Feel free to add your thoughts!

#armin arlert #attack on titan #meta #aot #snk #arminarlert #shingeki no kyojin #aot meta #character analysis #papamin propaganda #as for the fluffy papamin thoughts.. later

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cosmicjoke · 5 months

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I’ve read that in order to have empathy for others, one needs to first believe that people are inherently good. Do you think this is the case for Levi? What’s your own personal opinion on this?

I think Levi probably believes in the general goodness of people, yes. He's also seen the very worst of humanity, though, and is very aware of just how bad people can be. I don't think Levi harbors any idealistic delusions about humanity and its ability to ever be a harmonious and peaceful animal.

But I also think Levi holds empathy even for people who aren't really good, or people who have obvious negative qualities. Like, for example, Dimo Reeves, and the merchants of Trost. Levi wanted to help those people, even though all of them were actually extremely greedy and selfish. He in fact saves the lives of two of the merchants who were badmouthing him and the Survey Corps just moments before, when he pushes them out of the way of an oncoming wagon. And he goes out of his way to broker a deal with Reeves to help the entire city of Trost out of financial ruin and despair. We see this kind of stuff from Levi all the time. Like when he gives Petra's patch to that one soldier, despite the man's own, selfish actions endangering the entire unit, and causing them to have to dump the bodies of Levi's own squad. He gives this man Petra's patch, despite being insulted by him only a short time before, as well. Or the soldier in "No Regrets" that endangered Levi's own life through petty jealousy, Levi ends up saving his life, too. He saves Furlan's life, despite Furlan trying to trick him and force him into joining his gang. He forgives Erwin and chooses to keep believing in him, despite Erwin's duplicity and selfishness. He didn't even hate Kenny, in the end, despite all that he had done to him, and tried to understand why Kenny abandoned him, to see it from his point of view. He tries to help Floch and save him from being cut down by Mikasa, despite his viciousness toward Erwin. He understands the reason Mikasa is so harsh in her criticisms of him and even cruel in her accusations against him is because she loves Eren, which is why he doesn't push back against her or scold her for it. He didn't want either her or Eren to suffer for directly disobeying him in Shinganshina, either, and even threatening his life, letting them out of their holding cells early. He showed compassion for Pastor Nick, even, despite his refusal to help directly endangering lives, and even with Sannes, you could tell Levi wasn't enjoying torturing him and didn't want to take it too far, his horrified expression when Hange rips his tooth out really demonstrating this. There's a reason people call Levi the most empathetic character in the story. They aren't just talking out of their ass when they say so. Levi holds empathy even for bad people, and for people who have done bad things. He even tried to understand Zeke, but Zeke was just too far gone at that point.

So I don't think Levi's empathy hinges on his ability to believe in the goodness of people. He's seen and experienced first hand, probably more than anyone, just how rotten people can be, and he still believes their lives have value and he still wants to help them.

As for myself, I tend to have a pretty negative view of people, if I'm being honest, lol. But if someone is truly empathetic, I think they can acknowledge that people are just as capable of bad and just as prone to doing bad things as they are good, and still think they deserve compassion. Levi is exceptionally compassionate and empathetic. I think he's a better person than most.

#Levi Ackerman #attack on titan #shingkei no kyojin

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lovespxll · 6 months

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══zodiac signs as anime characters🌹 ⭒˚

═════ARIES: Eren Yeager (Attack on Titan)

"I'll wipe out every single one of them! And then... I'll be free!" (Passionate, impulsive, driven by a burning desire)

═════TAURUS: Rukia Kuchiki (Bleach)

"There's no point in fighting if you don't protect something you care about." (Loyal, dependable, values duty and tradition)

═════GEMINI: Light Yagami (Death Note)

"The world is rotten, and those who are making it rot deserve to die." (Intelligent, adaptable, harbors a dark side beneath a charming exterior)

═════CANCER: Usagi Tsukino (Sailor Moon)

"In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!" (Emotional, compassionate, driven by a desire to protect loved ones)

═════LEO: Naruto Uzumaki (Naruto)

"Believe it!" (Confident, optimistic, craves attention and recognition)

═════VIRGO: Levi Ackerman (Attack on Titan)

"Cleanliness is next to... victory!" (Analytical, meticulous, prioritizes efficiency and order)

═════LIBRA: Shoto Todoroki (My Hero Academia)

"There's nothing wrong with relying on others." (Diplomatic, seeks balance and harmony, avoids conflict)

═════SCORPIO: Sasuke Uchiha (Naruto)

"Vengeance... It's all I have left." (Intense, passionate, harbors hidden depths of emotions)

═════SAGITTARIUS: Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece)

"I'm gonna be the King of the Pirates!" (Free-spirited, adventurous, lives for the thrill of the journey)

═════CAPRICORN: Mikasa Ackerman (Attack on Titan)

"If we fight together, we can win." (Ambitious, disciplined, fiercely loyal and protective)

═════AQUARIUS: Lelouch Lamperouge (Code Geass)

"The world needs a revolution!" (Rebellious, visionary, challenges the status quo)

═════PISCES: Shinji Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

"I don't want to get in the robot." (Intuitive, emotional, grapples with self-doubt and escapism)

#zodiac memes #zodiac as anime #anime #aries #taurus #cancer #gemini #leo #libra #capricorn #pisces #aquarius #virgo #sagittarius #scorpio

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typewriting101 · 2 years

Text

have hope.

pairings: levi ackerman x reader

warnings: brief abuse scene & mentions of blood

genre: fanfic romance

word count: 1k+

⟶ summary: you’re the happiest person on base & levi has a secret liking to you. what happens when he finds out your boyfriend is abusing you?

a/n: this one was so hard for me to keep him in character so i hope it’s good anyways HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

It was a cold winter this year, but you didn’t mind. In fact, it was your favorite season. There was something about the crisp white of the snow, the scent of the cold air, that could refresh your mentalities and just make you feel reset.

Today was a training day. Every morning at precisely ten o clock, the Levi Squad met outside for combat training to start the day. Lining up in a row with one hand in a fist on your heart, the other behind you, while the Captain gave a rundown was the procedure and today was no different.

Your heart skipped a beat when you saw him.

Levi walked past each and every soldier, giving you a rundown of how the training will work, the goal, and if there were any questions. He looks each one of you in the eye as he speaks and everytime he reaches you, you can't help but give a small smile. He wouldn’t know it meant you thought he was handsome, strong and intelligent. You were the girl who always smiled, who always laughed. It’s one of the many reasons people loved you, you always wore your true colors.

Until recently.

A few months ago, you got in a relationship with another soldier. He was strong, confident and had his eye on you. At first, you thought it was off putting, but then you decided nobody else saw you that way, you might as well go for it and see what happens. So you did.

At first it was great, he’d bring you snacks, always had an eye on you while training, all of it. What you didn’t know until it was too late was how awful he truly was,

Because not everyone wears their heart on your sleeve like you.

You had to start making excuses to Armin. He was the smartest of your group. Every morning you used to wake up early with him and walk the grounds. Sometimes you laughed, vented about loss, and other times it was just your arms linked together taking in the breeze in a comfortable silence.

Now you told him, it was too much because you weren't sleeping well, but in reality you were applying makeup to the bruises on your face as you silently cried. You blinked away the thoughts as the troops yelled “YES SIR!” and began training. Armin, of course, being your partner.

Lunch came much earlier than anticipated and the two of you walked back to the castle, with Armin apologizing for hitting you in the cheek too hard as you laughed. The two of you waited in line and Jean yelled for you both. Armin waved, but you didn’t move.

You saw your boyfriend with an angry face, staring at you. His hand gesture told you to follow him as he left the dining hall to head towards the dorms.

“Oh, I can’t sit today.”

“What?!” exclaimed Jean, “Oh, I have had the best joke. Sweetheart, don’t do this to me. I gotta tell it before Eren comes!” causing Connie to snort out his drink, laughing hysterically.

Armin turned to you, his smile from Connie fading, “Hey,” he whispered, “Are you okay? I feel like I don't see you outside training anymore.” he put a hand on your arm as his eyes analyzed you, in the most comforting way. You felt a head look up and you panicked, not realizing how close you were to the captain's eating table.

“Yes.” You said too fast, “I have just felt tired. So, I'm going to head to my room, thank you, Armin. You're always so kind.” You left with your food as quickly as you came in, Armin watching you leave, along with the captain, a frown on his face.

Your boyfriend was standing outside your dorm room, tapping his foot. As soon as he saw you he grabbed your tray and tossed it, causing everything to spill, “Why did you just-”

“Where the hell were you?” he hissed. He grabbed you and slammed you against the door, his grip on your wrist would have caused you to groan in pain, but then he’d be angrier, so you squeezed your eyes shut. “Oh, so you're not going to even look at me now?” His breath reeked of alcohol, your least favorite thing. “Sounds like you need a lesson on respect.”

Fear dropped into your stomach so fast, you thought you might vomit.

No.

Please don't hit me.

But he doesn't know that word anymore.

You woke up early like normal, but today you knew it was over. You were unhappy, scared, everything you never used to be. You stood up and opened your curtains to let the light in. You looked in the mirror and gasped. In nothing but your big scout t-shirt, your body was absolutely littered with bruises in pinks, blues, and even purples. You crumbled to the floor in tears.

What happened to your strength?

You winced as you got dressed, your clothes covering most of them, and you used your makeup to cover your face, which helped a lot. You knew you looked okay, you just wished you were.

Levi was a Captain, he knew his soldiers well, but today felt odd. He didn't like it. It was breakfast time and you were nowhere to be seen. Yet here was Armin, without you.

As ten o’ clock hit, Levi marched outside and saw every spot was filled which meant you were here. You’d see him and smile, like you always did and things would be fine. except things were not fine. He got to you and stopped. Your eyes were dazed and dark underneath, your legs slightly shook from exhaustion, he didn't even think you realized he was in front of you.

“Y/n?”

Nothing.

“Y/N?” he said louder, to cover up his worry, causing everyone's heads to turn.

You snapped out of it and jumped at your name being yelled. He grabbed you by the shoulders to steady you, “Y/n, It's okay, everything is fine. Okay?” He said softly, realizing his soldier voice was the opposite of what you needed.

“Yes.” Your face turns red. “Sorry, Captain.”

He looked at you and blinked, “You're sitting out today.”

You paled, “What?”

“Rest of you, show’s over. Today is ODM gear training. Erwin’s waiting for you at the site. So don't just stand here, you're dismissed.”

The familiar “Sir!” a salute echoed and everyone ran towards the trees.

Levi put his hands on the sides of your arms causing you to yelp in pain. “Jesus, what the hell?”

Your eyes widened as Levi froze, his hands ghosting where he touched you. “I’m fine, I just fell last night during combat training. So I'm a bit sore.”

A silence floats between you both and you shift under his icy gaze, “Tell me the truth,”

“What?”

“Y/n. I'm the Captain of this squad. I know when things are off and right now…it's you. Everyday you smile and nod at me, and not only did that not happen, you can barely stand up on your own today. You are zoned out and wincing when you're normally my best soldier.” he brings his voice down, “You can tell me, y/n.”

His eyes looked into yours, digging for an answer. Surprisingly, he looked a little worried, which is very unusual for him.

You felt your eyes prick up with tears and Levi’s eyes widened. Then, as you were about to confess, you saw him. He was watching you, and he was angry. Levi saw your eyes flicker and went to turn his head but you panicked. “Don’t move!”

Levi froze again, his eyes still on you, “What the hell is this?” This time you hear the slight worry break through his usual monotone.

You saw your boyfriend leave and relaxed. “Nothing, I'm sorry sir. I'll do better.” You were slowly backing away from him, but he was moving forward.

“No… you were going to say something. What was it?”

“Nothing!” You snapped, Levi stopped walking and with a turn you left, mumbling about sitting out like he said.

Levi had no clue what to do and he always did. The nicest person he has had yet to know was different. Something was happening to you. He felt his heart hit his stomach, something is happening to you and he hasn’t stopped it.

He decided he couldn't take this any longer and followed you. He was high up in the military for a reason, you didn't catch on for a second. He lost you from your quick speed for a moment but heard your shrill whispers and his body filled with that dread he was new to experiencing.

“I didn’t tell the Captain anything, I didn't. I didn’t!”

Levi realized you were now hysterically sobbing and was running at top speed to your cry that was echoing through the base. Suddenly, you screamed louder and the captain realized nothing was more frightening to him than not finding you. He reached an old door and kicked it open so hard his foot went through it and it slammed off the hinges.

The happiest person on base, the reason he, along with so many others, were able to get up in the morning, was curled up in a pile on the floor, blood trickling from your head. He took one look at the satisfied man towering above you and did what any sane captain would do,

He beat him until he was in a much worse state than you were, which didn't take long at all.

He was quick to check your pulse, which was fine, and he scooped you up and ran with you to Hange’s office.

“Captain Levi?” your voice was breathless, you could only just see him.

“It’s okay, y/n. It’s fine, I have you now.” His voice was soft, his running smooth. You curled into him and smelled something like teakwood, clean shampoo, and rainwater. “Don't sleep just yet, let Hange and I fix you first.”

“Okay.” was all you could say, and against his wishes, you fell into a sleep with his voice yelling your name.

You woke up to Levi sitting on a couch across the room, his hands stained with your blood as he sat spread out, arms crossed talking to Hange. You looked around and saw you weren't in a hospital bed, you were in Levi’s. You wore what was probably his shirt, and felt a bandage over your head, the pressure adding onto your stinging headache. She nodded and left, when he turned to look at you he jumped up and walked over to you.

“I told you not to sleep, cadet.”

You smiled, painfully, “I'm sorry.”

He sighed, eyebrows furrowing as he rubbed them together with one hand, “So, are we going to discuss what I walked in on?”

Your eyes quickly left him and shifted to anything in the room. He sat on the edge of his very large bed, the two of you only taking up the left side. “He’s with Erwin, he’s being discharged. He can’t hurt you. Not anymore… I beat him to shit, That's what he looks like now. Shit.”

You laughed at his usual demeanor surfacing, which broke you into a cough. But you nodded, thanked him, and told him your story.

“Jesus.” Levi said darkly, as you finished.

“I’m sorry-”

“Never say that again.”

You were taken aback, used to apologizing. “Y/n,” he shifted slightly away from you. “I think… I think you've been apologizing too much behind closed doors. So, please don't feel like you have to apologize to me. If you should know anything, It's that you're safe in this room and that you're safe with me.”

Emotions filled your body in a way you didn’t understand, so you nodded, words failing you. He stood up and stared at you, then leaned down to you, his elbows on the bed. You froze thinking he was going to kiss you, but he didn’t. “Get some sleep. You’ll have a headache for a few days.” he whispered in your ear.

You nodded again and felt his face against yours, causing you to grow hot. You tried to sit up but Levi moved and pushed you down again. “Stay down. That’s an order. I want you to relax.”

He watched you contemplate him but gave in, very tired. “Are you leaving?” you asked, nervously.

He scoffed, “Tch. The last thing you need to be is alone right now. I have paperwork to do anyway. We learned a lot on the 57th Exterior Scouting Mission.” When Levi sat at his desk and turned to you, he saw you were asleep, but he saw a small smile gracing your face. His whole body relaxed. You were going to be okay, that's all he ever wanted.

He wanted to slap himself, realizing he now has emotions towards his best soldier. He didn't do romantic feelings. But, maybe just this once he could change his mind

and have hope.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

a/n: PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW I WROTE HIM. i’m nervous hahaha

🏷️: @stellar-lunee @rwandabailey @maplemiyuki @canthebest1 @ardenous @majoshionna (i tried to tag everyone but some it wasn’t letting me?? help)

#Spotify #fanfic #fanfiction #romance #books & libraries #levi attack on titan #levi x y/n #levi ackerman x you #levi ackerman x reader #captain levi #levi ackerman x abused reader #levi ackerman x abused! reader #levi ackerman #levi fanfiction

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gotmesimpin4levi · 2 years

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How the aot boys react to finding out y/n can sing

Eren

f7cking blown away

eren would immediately pull out his camera and record like all the cameras in the world would break tomorrow

After this be prepared for eren to make you sing at literally EVERYTHING

He'd get so excited that u can sing that he'd also forget your kinda of a person with shit to do and make you sing for everyone

Armin

A part of me feels like armin would just burst into tears

Like he'd think your singing is so beautiful and just start crying out of nowhere

Unlike eren armin wouldn't embarrass u and make u sing everywhere but he would brag about you alot

Jean

Like why and I sensing jean can sing too?

Yall prob met at some kind of singing gig

Of course jeans proud u can sing but he likes to sing duets or harmonies with u instead of just bragging on u and making u sing alone

But initially when he finds out you can sing OML he immediately felt in love

Connie

Lets be real connie...prob doesn't care that much

Hes happy his gurl can sing and he's glad u like to sing but bsffr (being so f7cking for real)

He doesn't really care

For hum its like "oh you can sing. And remind me when I asked? Lol"

Erwin

With erwin he will proudly show u off like a new trophy

Its unbelievable

Like eren, erwin would definitely try to get u to sing for everyone but if he sees ur uncomfortable with it then he won't make you do it

Levi

Levis very possessive so when he finds out u can sing he wants it for himself and himself only

Therfore he doesn't make u sing everywhere

Infact he gets a bit frustrated when u do sing everywhere like that

I feel like he would ask you to sing for him before yall go to bed or smt like that

Maybe while yall are cuddling

Thank you for reading! If u have any recommendations just lemme know or if u think I messed up on any of the characters. This is my first time posting headcanons like this and i hope I can continue to do this and possibly get into an actual story.

#aot headcanons #anime #singer #yn #headcanon #eren jaeger #aot fluff #armin arlet fluff #jean kristen #connie springer #erwin smith #levi heichou #aot x reader #first post

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seeingivy · 7 months

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random method acting thoughts + asks

correct. you are absolutely correct. AND I THINK I MENTIONED THIS A FEW TIMES but every time I feel like method acting drama is unrealistic I remember that nicki minaj exists and sleep well at night. MEGAN DEFENDER FOR LIFE

trust. we've got a tweets heavy chapter. and her comeback tweet is so petty I don't even know how we got here but we're here

WAIT UR SO RIGHT. casual E charm around her neck and she's just like yeah what? no i'm not dating him what are you talking about (yes, she is)

thank you so much ☹️ i've been having the worst week (for two weeks in a row) and kind words like this mean so much to me. the headspace has not been the most fun space to be lately (and sometimes I worry that reflects in what I wrote) but i'm glad that it's made you happy and given you that feeling of love. that's all I could hope for and it almost makes me teary eyed that some shred of that is still there even when i'm not feeling the best 💌

here are my random thoughts:

connie has the online presence of tik tok user @/nmillz. like him single handedly reviving all in my head (flex) by fifth harmony (PLEASE TELL ME YOU'VE SEEN IT) is the funniest thing ever and even the way he talks/what he talks about reminds me of method acting connie 😭

this is so random but mentally in my head, I associate some of the characters with like real celebrities and influencers in terms of aesthetic and vibe, which i've seen some readers do which is so interesting cuz our picks are never the same

like y/n in my head is olivia rodrigo coded. like her having a specific brand (very romantic, lovey dovey) when she was on disney channel (and maybe was asked to lean into really hard) as opposed to guts/sour which is so.....emotional/ jealously/rock that's kind of the vibe I get from that character (or at least where we are headed)

historia in terms of aesthetic/character is sabrina carpenter and taylor swift. sabrina carpenter in terms of aesthetics/looks (she is very much the beauty standard, the dream girl, nonsense outros) and in terms of character is taylor swift? like she's a relatable but there's a part of her that's always going to be untouchable (for taylor that's just cuz I think she's a billionaire/very detached from reality, but for the character that just stems from being so deep in the whole industry type thing that she kind of forgets what matters sometimes)

gabi in general reminds me of billie eilish, in terms of where her character will go. I wanted to include the real life hate that gabi as a character got in the show into the story, but I also feel like that hate sometimes is given to billie eilish. to the point where when she wins grammy's she's apologizing bc she feels like she doesn't deserve it, but at the end of the day...she's one of the most talented artists in our generation? what was I made for? bad guy? happier than ever? they were all phenomenal. gabi can be a great actress but she'll never feel like it!

sukuna and y/n give zendaya and timothee vibes. eren and lana give bradley cooper and emma stone in the variety actors on actors interview.

falco and gabi are walter scobell and leah sava jefferies in terms of dynamic and vibes. I will die on this hill.

eren and y/n are andrew garfield/emma stone (ref: she was like a shot of espresso), danielle galligan/calahan skogman (ref: matching tattoos), daisy ridley jones/paul mescal (ref: undeniable SOMETHING)

hyla just has kardashians/nicki minaj level audacity. like kim wearing a purple dress and posting a story w/ speak now...nicki minaj ai generated diss track like that's her.

#method acting #ronnie talking to herself #asks!

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pinkmirth · 1 year

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a photo dump for the birthday boy!

#it’s eren day!!!#he deserves a big glossy kiss MWUAH #starting to fall in love with him again….#ugh this boy 🙄 it’s truly a love hate relationship we got going on #— harmoni rambles #— (.eren)#eren #eren jaeger

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philliamwrites · 2 years

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SWYAATL 15: Dear Comrade

Pairings: Eren Jaeger x fem! Reader

Warnings: alcohol, young adults being horknee, depression at the end

Summary: “Yeah, I am. I’m glad I found you.” You mumble the last bit, plucking the leftover flowers from your dress until you hold the branch of the forget-me-not between your fingers. “And even though we’ll go our separate ways next week, I’m glad we’re friends. It’s weird … you’re someone I don’t want to forget, Eren Jaeger.” You offer him the flower. His eyes, now a dark green, are nothing like the soft blue—they’re different in so many ways, but you like them. Eren takes the flowers from you, looks at it like he doesn’t know what to do with it, and settles for putting it in your hair, behind your ear. “I won’t just disappear, you know,” he says, an exasperated tone swinging in his voice as though he’s talking to a three-year-old that’s still struggling with object permanence.

Notes: [01] || [14] | [16]

Words: 9k

A/N: Here we go, folks. Arc 1 of the story is over. I've already started working on Arc 2, and I've already noticed how fast-paced it is compared to what I've written until now. That being said, I can't tell when updates will resume, but I'll take a break from uploading for AoT for the time being. Once I'm back in the new year, I hope I can bring you a more regular upload schedule, but no promises.

Thank you everyone who's been on this ride for me, I can't thank you enough. Especially for the overwhelming love people show for Emil (I'm so surprised there are only asks about him on Tumblr than on the other AoT characters).

15: Dear Comrade

Commander Erwin Smith is a tall, impressive man. You’ve grown used to a handful of the other boys looming over you, but nobody manages to quite tower as Erwin does, making you feel small and insignificant even though you’re supposed to be the most important figure tonight. He’s wearing a simple white shirt, the sleeves rolled back to his elbows. With arms the size of logs and shoulders wider than the Walls, nobody dares to stand in his way.

It immediately sobers you up. Now you wish you’d at least worn a jacket or something.

He gives you an elegant, curtsy bow, offering his broad-palmed hand on which a wooden chip rests. “Might I ask for this dance, Maienkoenigin?”

“Uhm”, you say very intelligently. Sir, yes, Sir, is what you should have said. Instead, you blurt, “Should you be out here at all?”

Erwin doesn’t appear bothered by your question—then again, you think more is needed to throw the Commander of the Survey Corps off balance than a skimpy dressed, tipsy woman just fresh out of Cadet Corps.

“Should I and my men not be allowed to join the revelries from time to time?” he asks in return.

You can feel your face ablaze with shame. “I—I’m sorry, Sir, I didn’t mean to, Sir.”

Erwin chuckles. “At ease,” he says. “I must admit, I am out here not only for pleasure. I came to have a first look at the cadets. The Survey Corps is always on the lookout for promising new recruits.” He waits patiently for you to finally settle your hand in his, and turns his head to see which song the band strikes up next. On the other side of the plaza, the two string musicians each begin playing different songs, stop, and laugh at their error. When they bow their instruments this time, there’s harmony and the crowd moves in tandem; amongst all the other faces, you spot Marco spinning Mina, and over there is Ymir forcing another tankard of beer down Christa’s throat. It makes you giggle; you want nothing more than to join you friends on the other side of the plaza and dance with Mina and Marco and kiss them both, and find Jean and tell him how much he means to you and how glad you are that he is part of your life—oh, and the Shiganshina three, the Golden Trio, there’s so much you need to tell them, especially Eren, oh Eren—

“I imagine everyone must be excited about graduation,” Erwin says, easily spinning you out of the path of a boisterous couple kicking up their legs in every direction, and successfully yanking your thoughts away from your friends and back to him. “Has anyone voiced their interest in joining the Scouts?”

Your thoughts go right back to Eren, who burns so bright it blinds you whenever he speaks about the Scouts. Mikasa will follow him, of course. There is little you imagine she wouldn’t do for him. And where Mikasa and Eren go, Armin follows. You feel as though with those three alone, the Scouts are about to obtain a whole squad.

“Some,” you say, and try hard not to flinch when Erwin places his hand at the small of your back, leading you through the crowd. He’s an experienced dancer, and you wonder if that’s a hiring requisition for superior ranks. “Though opinions are split, and not in the Scout’s favour.”

You feel Erwin’s gaze on you. Maybe you shouldn’t have said that. But then he gives a small, crooked smile, and says, “When is it ever? That doesn’t stop us from doing what we have to do.”

“What’s it like?” Your voice is so quiet, you doubt he hears your words. “The outside?”

Erwin is quiet for a moment. Even though his hands don’t stop to guide you for a moment, he feels as though his mind is far away. In the end, he settles for, “There’s still so much I don’t know,” but he speaks it in a whisper as though they are meant for him alone.

The dance goes on and on; everything spins so fast: the music, the laughter, the warmth from living people. Girls and women spin in circles, their hair—black, brown, scarlet, and metal gold—flows like banners in the wind, and amidst them, silver flashes like a shiny coin. Like the moonlight flashing between dark clouds and illuminating the endless, dark night.

You trip over your own feet, staring in that direction. The only reason you don’t fall is because Erwin catches your arm in time, steadying you. “Is everything alright?” he asks, but it seems very far away. You tear away from him and dive into the crowd in search of what you’ve seen—who you have seen, because there is no mistake that only one person wears hair woven from silver starlight.

Dizzy and disorientated, you dart through the crowd towards the fountain, shouldering people aside, using your knees and elbows as weapons. Cheers and calls follow you which you ignore—you want to be invisible to them all, to throw away the crown and run back to the meadow, run across it barefoot hand in hand with—

The band’s song haunts you; the melody, their voices—it is the only thing that you can hear while running towards him.

O let the earth a-tumble, love, And humble you withal, Keep running. It’s up to you now, Up to you now, love to

Love run, love run For all the things you’ve done Run for all the things that drum Run for all those pages thumbed

Love run, love run For all the things we wished we’d done Run from all you know that’s coming Run to show that love’s worth running to.

When you emerge from the crowd, panting and with your heart trying to break free from your chest, no one with silver hair is waiting for you on the other side. It shouldn’t surprise you, yet you only realise now how much you’ve hoped, how much you’ve depended on the possibility that somehow, by the smallest chance, Emil would appear and surprise you. It feels as though you are losing him all over again—you are an open wound that you have no idea how to close. Tears burn behind your eyes, suddenly the emotions are so overwhelming you feel like you’re drowning in them.

You need to leave. As fast, as far away as you can until you can breathe again, until it doesn’t feel as though you are missing one of your limbs.

You turn and dash towards a narrow side alley—and bump into a solid, hard back. Before you can mumble an apology, a very familiar voice brightens the dark pit in your chest.

“Hey, what’s up?” Eren asks.

You tip your head back to look up at him. Eren used to be your height when you started out in the Cadet Corps, but now he looms over you, almost a whole head taller. Something about seeing him right now takes the wind out of your sails—you’ve searched for a haven and while you haven’t arrived where you want to be, maybe you’ve arrived where you need to be.

“I—I’m okay. I’m okay now,” you respond finally, unable to look away from Eren’s face. He dips his chin a little, as if sensing there is more you’re about to say, but when nothing comes, he gives you a crooked smile and turns to disappear back into the crowd. Something about the sight of his broad shoulders retreating closes up your throat, wedges sharp needles into your mouth.

“Stay,” you say, catching his wrist, feeling his hot skin. Eren stops, turns slowly. “Don’t leave. Please.”

He looks up from your hand to your face and studies it; studies your face for the answers to the questions flickering in his eyes. They pierce through you, hook right under your skin. Usually, you’d hate to lie bare and vulnerable before someone, but it’s different with Eren. Until recently, there was only one person whose thoughts you cared to know—what they thought about you, specifically. Now, Eren has become that person.

Slowly, Eren reaches for your hand and untangles it from his shirt. Your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach, but before you can say anything or move away, he takes your hand and leads you away from the feast through narrow alleyways, hidden away from prying eyes. It’s quiet here, and deeply dark. A few couples have sought that secrecy and are together now, joined at the lips, pressed close against the walls. Another song has begun, but slower.

Eren slows only when you reach the gates leading outside Trost District. He leads you off the path to where the grass fields stretch like silver patches under the moonlight. Immediately, you notice how much easier breathing is out here in this quiet, calm place. You take off your flower crown and drop it behind a crate, and hope you will never have to wear a crown again.

You find an empty spot down by the riverbank and sink down into the grass, the earth still warm from the day’s sunlight. You’re surprised. For the loud mouth Eren is, he can be quiet when it matters. The only light source comes from a big campfire people have put up near the water. It casts Eren in a warm glow that softens the planes of his face. He looks younger—like on the day you met on the first day of training when his eyes looked big for his face. His eyelashes are still stupidly long, stupidly dark—curving like the crescent moon above your heads. Light stubble runs along his sharp jaw. You wonder how his skin would feel to the touch.

You’re certain Eren is aware of your eyes on him, but he keeps staring ahead unblinkingly, waiting for you to fill the silence. He’s putting your back against a wall like that. You don’t know how much longer you can run. From him, from yourself—always towards the past as though Time itself slows to let you play, stealing the hours and turning the night into day.

You let your hands roam over the soft grass, and feel your fingers stumble over leaves and petals.

An idea blossoms.

You pluck the flowers from the ground and begin to weave a crown.

“You know, this means affection and admiration,” you say and show Eren a purple-crowned dianthus. He blinks. “And this,” you continue, presenting a lilac aster right under his nose, “means I will remember you.” You pick up the next flower. “This is Forget-Me-Not.”

“Let me guess,” Eren says. “Don’t forget me?”

“So smart.”

He grins. This grin makes something deep inside you unfurl, like a petal opening up its secrets to the sun.

You return to your craft, fumbling with thin stems and fragile pallets that break off and tear under your touch. Eren watches you struggle for a good minute. When he speaks, the amusement in his voice is like soft wind grazing through leaves. “Need help?”

“I’m good, I’m just—” The stems unweave and slip through your fingers like seams coming unknitted. The sweet smell of crushed petals fills the night. Nothing you do makes the crown hold—and then you realise why.

You let the flowers fall into your lap and blink at them, feeling your eyes grow heavy. “He never showed me.”

Eren tilts his head towards you.

“He never taught me,” you repeat, a quiver to your voice, “how to make flower crowns.”

Eren clears his voice. “Who…?”

“Emil!” You stretch out your hand, showing off his ring, grinning. The crimson sphere flashes almost threateningly like spilt blood.

Eren is quiet for a moment, eyes fixed on your slender finger and the ring. “I’ve heard you mention him,” he finally says, turning his head away. His side profile seems suddenly like a stranger’s, sharp and uninviting. “Who is he?”

“My fiancée,” you announce proudly.

He turns his head so fast and sharp in your direction, you hear a bone crack in his neck.

“You’re engaged?” he asks, but there is a very unfamiliar, un-Eren like tone to his voice that makes you look at him.

You don’t think Eren has ever looked at you like this. As though you are a glass of water and he is dying of thirst, but unable to reach you. As though you are the only patch of cool, green grass in a never-ending stretch of parched, grey land. You have only seen yearning on Eren’s face when he talks about killing all Titans and going outside the Walls. It makes you feel as though you are an exposed nerve, tender and raw to the slightest touch. If Eren would reach out right now and put his fingers to your skin, surely you would combust.

His eyes seem to reach deep into you, hooking into the words buried deep in your chest, and yanking them out painfully.

“He’s dead,” you say quietly, your grin slowly fading. “I think … otherwise, he would be here. With me.”

Eren’s voice is barely audible. “Was it in Shiganshina?”

You nod, and nod, and keep nodding, feeling a thick lump in your throat. You bring your knees up to your chest, your hands wedged in the fabrics of your dress to keep them warm. Only when Eren puts his jacket around your shoulders, you notice your body is shaking, but the moment his warm knuckles brush your collarbones, the cold inside your body dissipates. The fabric is warm from his skin, the collar smells like him. You duck your head, trying to bury yourself inside his jacket.

“You know, not one day passes where I don’t miss him so much it feels that I might die,” you say, quietly, more to yourself than to him. “I don’t know if you’ve ever felt something like this.”

Eren holds your stare. If the silence is bait, you don’t take it. You inhale, slowly. You smell food and the riverbed: mud and spice, with the slight after-taste of human pollution. And sweetness; ripe flowers ready to harvest for bees and insects.

“My Mom,” he finally says after a long moment. He stretches out his long legs, then reconsiders and pulls his knees back up to his chest, mirroring your position. “I saw my Mom die five years ago and the first days after that were like hell.”

You nod. You know what that feels like. Glancing over at Eren, you think about taking his hand and squeezing it—to show that he is not alone in that grief, that you know his pain. But when you look at his hand, you find it already balled into a tight fist by his side.

Weirdly enough, it makes you smile. Of course Eren would not allow himself to break. Instead, he steels his grief into rage, into desperation, into resolve.

“We’ve lost … so much … we’re trapped like fucking cattle ready for slaughter.” Eren forces a deep, shuddering breath inside his lungs. You can see the veins along his arms stand out, and suddenly your mouth goes very dry. “I can’t live like this. Nobody should live like this.”

“You have big dreams, Eren.” You bump into his side, feeling his strong arms hard like walls against yours. He doesn’t budge. “Maybe you’ll set us all free one day.”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes, but you see the corners of his mouth twitch. “If we ever bring down the Walls, I’ll definitely line up to throw a dynamite or two.”

“And then? What then?” It is a strange feeling, talking about a future you know won’t exist, but there is a quiet place in your heart that tries to imagine a life with no Titans, with no boundaries. It would look like a small Haven of trees, brushes hung heavy with glossy berries, red and purple and black, and small trees hung with oddly-shaped fruits you’ve never seen before and that would be home—you take a sharp breath in. Gone is the smell of green, of living and growing things, of dirt and the roots that grow in dirt, and as you blink away the picture that’s fading behind your closed lids, slipping from your mind even though you have no idea where it has come from in the first place, you hear Eren still talking: “… and after Armin and I see the ocean, I don’t know. We’ll explore the world. Find all the places in Armin’s book he always talks about. And then … I’ll pee in every major body of water on earth?”

“Oh my God.”

“You asked.” Eren bumps back into your side and you nearly topple over. When you straighten yourself, he’s looking at you curiously. Whatever he sees must satisfy him because he turns away, smiling to himself.

“What?” you ask.

“I see you’re feeling better.”

The question surprises you enough that you need two takes to open your mouth and give a response. And then you understand, he’s been trying to cheer you up. Nothing outlandish. Still, it’s like a died-out ember in your chest rekindles a fire.

“Yeah, I am. I’m glad I found you.” You mumble the last bit, plucking the leftover flowers from your dress until you hold the branch of the forget-me-not between your fingers. “And even though we’ll go our separate ways next week, I’m glad we’re friends. It’s weird … you’re someone I don’t want to forget, Eren Jaeger.”

You offer him the flower. His eyes, now a dark green, are nothing like the soft blue—they’re different in so many ways, but you like them. Eren takes the flowers from you, looks at it like he doesn’t know what to do with it, and settles for putting it in your hair, behind your ear.

“I won’t just disappear, you know,” he says, an exasperated tone swinging in his voice as though he’s talking to a three-year-old that’s still struggling with object permanence. “After graduation, whenever our old Corps meets, I’ll annoy the shit out of you. Don’t think you can slack off in sparring just because I’m not there to kick your ass.”

“Last time I checked, I kicked your ass.”

Eren throws up his hands. “Because Mikasa was distracting me!”

You wave his excuses away, then stave off a yawn. The feast doesn’t show any signs of stopping yet, but you know the second your head hits the pillow, you’ll be out cold. Which is exactly why you lie down in the soft grass, looking up at the vast starry sky above you.

“If you fall asleep, I’ll leave you here, you know,” you hear Eren say, your eyes already closed.

“No, you won’t,” you say, and just to be sure, you hook your fingers around one of his belt loops. Something suspicious like a snort comes from Eren, but his warm presence beside you remains until you fall asleep, dreaming of juniper berry bushes and trees greener than any you’ve known.

The land is bare of grass, of plants, of life. It is a vast, never-ending wasteland of rolling sand hills where every grain twinkles like little stars no matter which direction you turn. It is an alien, strange place that feels familiar at the same time. You’ve been here before, but something is missing. Someone.

His name lies on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t remember the feel or sound of it. Sometimes, you think you see someone standing on the horizon, but when you catch up, that person is gone like a mirage. The frustration builds, the taste filling your mouth with copper. When your eyes spy the person once more, you decide to call out: “Er—”

“You see someone more interesting than me?” asks Emil by your side.

You blink, dazzled, and when he offers you his hand, you take it. It feels the same as all those years ago, but nothing about him is the same. Or is it? You close your eyes for just a moment, and he smiles at you, his boyish face still young and round. “There’s no one more interesting than you,” you say, because that is the truth. “It’s just this place. I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Sandy hills and a never-ending starry sky stretch before you to all sides. There’s something else, something very bright and very big, but whenever you try to look at it, it disappears, and you wonder if maybe you’re just imagining it.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” says a voice that isn’t Emil’s. You find that Emil has disappeared, and you are now standing with Eren. It’s the same game: he looks different and at the same time he doesn’t. Older, but also still how you remember him.

“Where’s Emil?” you ask, turning. You see Mikasa with Armin, and Jean who is holding a sleeping Marco in his arms, brushing away ink-black curls from his forehead. Something about Marco seems strange though, as if half of his side is turning into sand.

“What are you talking about?” Eren says. “This place is for the living.” His hands are cool on yours, and you are aware of them in a way you have not been of Emil’s as he turns you away from Marco’s sight.

You narrow your eyes at him. “What do you mean?”

He leans close. You can feel his lips against your ear. They are not cool at all. “Wake up, [Name],” he whispers. “Wake up. Wake up.”

You bolt upright in bed, gasping, hair plastered to your neck with cold sweat. Your wrists are held in a hard grip; you try to pull away, then realise who is restraining you. “Eren?”

“Yeah.” He’s sitting on the edge of the bed—how have you gotten into a bed?—looking tousled and half-awake, with early-morning hair and sleepy eyes.

“Let go of me.”

“Sorry.” His fingers slip from your wrists. “You tried to hit me the second I said your name.”

“I’m a little jumpy, I guess.” You glance around. You’re in a small bedroom furnished with dark wood. By the quality of the faint light coming in through the half-open window, you guess it’s dawn, or just after. Your uniform-jacket hangs neatly folded across the back of a chair. “How did I get here? I don’t remember…”

“You fell asleep right next to me.” Eren sounds amused. “Mikasa helped me get you to bed. She also changed your clothes. Thought you’d be more comfortable here than on the cold ground.”

“Wow. I don’t remember anything.” You run your hands over your face, feeling your swollen cheeks from a long, deep slumber. Maybe you’ve had more alcohol than you’d expected. “What time is it, anyway?”

“About five.”

“In the morning?” You glare at him. “You’d better have a good reason for waking me up.”

“Why?” Eren asks, leaning back on his heels, grinning. For some reason this is the exact moment your brain notices you and Eren are sitting on the same bed, and you are very close to each other. He must have changed his clothes before waking you up—gone is the rumpled black sweatshirt and in its stead Eren is wearing a simple white military shirt. “Were you having a good dream?”

You can still feel cold sand between your toes, see stars twinkle before your eyes. You think there were certain people in your dream, people you knew, but the details are blurry. “I don’t remember.”

He stands up. “We’ve got our rifle rehearsal, remember? Shadis sent me to kick your ass out of bed. Actually, Jean offered to wake you up, but since it’s five in the morning, I figured you’d be less cranky if you had something nicer to look at than his horseface.”

“Meaning you?”

Eren’s grin grows tenfold. “What else?”

You throw a pillow after him, but Eren is already up and about, and out of the door before you can grab something else.

Just for a moment, you consider falling back into your bed and pretend the next couple of days don’t exist. Somewhere on the other side of the compound you hear Shadis’ roars, and decide to get up pretty quickly.

Twenty minutes later, everyone stands ready. Rifle in hand, half of them visibly fighting their hangover, the rehearsal goes as smoothly as planned: Sasha stumbles twice, and Samuel and Connie go down with her. For a moment, Shadis looks like he doesn’t want to say anything, but then he simply states you’d be all dead if those rifles were loaded, and proceeds to procure a bucket of water to douse them like filthy street cats.

It gives you a small break where you set out to find Jean. Compared to three years ago when around four hundred soldiers enlisted, only half of that number remains today. Many of them are foreign faces, and you doubt you’ll ever find friendship in any of them since your group has pretty much remained the same ever since the first weeks of trainee days.

On the other side of the plaza you spot Mikasa and Eren. She’s plucking at his clothes, which he is invisibly annoyed about, but it is a different type of annoyed than when he’s around Jean—it seems more long suffering while endearing at the same time, and for a moment you can’t help but just stare at them and realise for the first time that they look good together. They’ve known each other since childhood, and Mikasa is rarely apart from Eren. You wonder what that would be like, to know him in and out and say things that make him laugh, make him blush—just like Mikasa is doing right now, but then from this distance you see her mouth from something that looks like your name and you stare even harder until she must feel you staring like a physical presence and turns.

Catching Mikasa’s eyes, you grow even more convinced that they are discussing you, that Mikasa can read you like a book, can see through to your very soul, and is telling Eren all your secrets. As if you are shouting this aloud, Eren turns at that very moment and looks at you, breaking into an elated smile as he waves his rifle dramatically in the air, and you smile back, waving yours in return, and receive a clap to the back of your head from Shadis for your troubles. As you rub your head in pain, you see Eren laughing in delight, and that alone makes it all worth the trouble.

“Bam,” comes Jean’s voice from your side. When you turn, you see him lower his rifle. “I just shot you.”

Changing the rifle from your left to right shoulder, you follow him back to your positions to restart the rehearsal. “You know I’d come back and haunt your ass. And don’t point it at people, it’s rude.”

You can practically hear Jean rolling his eyes when he says, “Whatever.”

Back in your line, you follow the steps and march in tandem with everyone else. In front of you, Jean continues quietly enough for only you to hear, “We practised rifle handling for this one thing; what a waste of time. It’s not like we’ll ever use them against other people.”

“I guess they’re just making sure to cover the whole syllabus. I don’t like thinking about having to point that at someone else.”

“You sure as hell won’t have to,” Jean says, whipping around, bringing the rifle across his chest to his other shoulder. You do the exact same, staring up at the back of Reiner’s head. From the stiffness of his broad shoulders, you can see he’s very tense. Maybe he’s taking this rehearsal a little too seriously.

You only get the last bit of Jean’s sentence because he unobtrusively pokes you in the back with the end of his rifle. “From what I’ve heard about the MP, you’ll have your occasional thug but actual casualties are very rare.”

“Seven more days,” you whisper back. “Will you be okay without me? Who’s going to pull your ass out of trouble?”

“I’m pretty sure Marco’s got that covered.” Jean turns his head, probably on the lookout for the culprit in question. You go very still, but from the lack of Jean going on, you’re pretty sure Marco has still not found a good time to talk to Jean.

“You know, there’s still time to reconsider,” you say in just the moment the rehearsal reaches the stage where your fake rifles go off and make a deafening bang noise.

Jean turns his head, the ‘Huh?’ clearlywritten on his face.

You pretend you didn’t say anything. Maybe things are progressing the way they are for a reason.

From the 344 recruits who started out at the very beginning, only 218 graduated.

On the evening Shadis announces the Top Ten trainees, nobody is surprised to see the ten best lining up before your instructor. You feel immensely proud that both Jean and Marco have managed to hold their ground. But to you, standing in the back between Mina and Armin feels right.

All you care about is the celebration that’s right after that—the last evening you’ll spend with the majority of your friends before everyone heads off. Understandably so, Jean’s constant reminder to ‘not enter the boys’ barracks after’ gets more and more frustrating.

“Why?” you say through a mouth full of steamed potatoes. “Are you guys comparing dick sizes?”

Someone who listens in on the table across from you chokes on their spit.

“We want to have a guy’s night, what’s so unusual about it? You girls do … whatever you girls do. Have a pillow fight or whatever. But don’t come into our barracks, got it?”

True to the nature of your friendship, obviously you barge into the boys’ barracks after the graduation celebration is over. And what timing you have. Swinging the door wide open, you enter at the exact moment Jean declares proudly that in a life or death scenario, he’d totally be down for a threesome with you and Marco.

You freeze. Everyone in the room freezes. Marco unsuccessfully hides the bottle of booze behind his back. It tips over and he shrieks as red liquid spills across the wooden floor. Multiple boys boo at him, and you realise they’re all drunk.

Jean raises his eyes to yours, and you trade a look that feels like a dare. Somehow, you can’t really take a hold of what expression to make—it ranges from confusion to slight disgust to mild interest at how exactly the logistics of such a scenario would look.

Realising there’s only one thing you can do right here, right now, you take a step back and close the door again, willing to forget this ever happened. Three steps is all you’re able to make before the door flies open again, rough hands grab you and manhandle you back into the room.

“You better not tell anyone we got booze here, or I’m gonna dunk your head inside a latrine,” Daz hisses. He’s the opposite of intimidating at any given moment, but now, wobbling on both feet while pointing a shaky finger at you, even a newly born puppy has more bark to it.

You discreetly swipe away the cool spit he’s graciously sprayed over your cheek.

“So, that’s the reason girls are not allowed?” you say, putting on your best Ida-performance to show how disappointed you are. “You’re going to hoard all that and don’t invite us?”

Across the room, Samuel shrugs. “The more people know, the easier Shadis might catch wind of what we’re doing here.”

“Yeah, he’ll skin us alive.”

“I think,” you say, very slowly, “we should get everyone in here and have a final blast before tomorrow.” That didn’t get the reaction you’ve expected, but it is met with less resistance than before. “And we can also,” you add, wiggling your eyebrows, “maybe play some games? Make it exciting.”

Not ten minutes later, the boys’ barracks is cramped. Every open space around the low centre table has been taken by someone as they sit huddled together, shoulder pressed against shoulder. You’ve organised more tankards from the kitchen, and now you’re sipping from the sweet meed Daz has organised somehow. After asking him for the third time and him refusing to explain, you’ve given up and accepted this might remain the greatest secret of Cadet Time.

“So, what games did’ya have in mind?” Samuel asks after the initial excitement has settled down while everyone is nursing their drink. You can feel Jean’s body pressing against your side, clearly interested in what you’ll come up with.

“I got these,” you declare, and present a dozen wooden skewers you’ve helped yourself to, “so we can play the King’s Game.”

A couple “Oooh”s and “Aaah”s later, everyone who wants to participate has settled around the table. Since it was your idea, you can be Queen first, and you’re not here to hold hostages. While swirling the mead in your tankard, your first order is, “Number 3 has to give number 5 a kiss on the cheek.”

When Connie and Samuel rise at the same time, the rest giggles and whistles, but the boys don’t back down. Alcohol is always a nice confidence booster, so Connie makes a big show of smacking a wet smooch onto Samuel’s cheek, earning them a round of applause for that.

“Okay, my turn.” Connie downs the rest of his beverage, then smacks his lips. “I want number 4 to give number 1 a piggy back ride.”

Reiner stirs, showing his skewer with a number 1 carved into the wood. When Christa climbs to her feet, wobbly like a flagpole swaying in harsh wind, the room erupts with laughter.

“I can do it,” she mumbles to herself, her usual pale face a canvas of red—the culprit of it sitting right next to her and cackling like a maniac. Over the last years, Ymir has perfected the art of getting Christa drunk before anyone can notice and stop her. It’s quite funny to her until Reiner offers to give Christa a piggyback instead, and all Hell breaks loose.

Next to you, Jean scoffs. “Like animals,” he says, but when you look up at him, he has a goofy smile on his face. You can’t say how much mead he’s had until his glassy eyes drop down to you and he leans into your space, arching over you until your shoulders touch.

“I’m gonna miss you,” he mumbles, his breath soft against your cheek. You feel the pinprick of tears at the back of your eyes and blink against them. He can’t pull that shit the night before you go your separate ways.

Before you can reply, someone is tugging at your sleeve. When you turn, somehow magically a new skewer with a new number has manifested in your hand.

“Seven’s gotta sit on Nine’s lap,” Sasha whispers conspiratorially. She points at you, then across the table, where Eren is looking at you with a very weird expression. “By the King’s order.”

You whip your head around and find Reiner grinning at you. Jean’s presence immediately vanishes when he leans away, looking sickly pale all of a sudden when he stares somewhere else, his jaw held tightly shut as if he’s just bitten into glass.

This is a bad idea, without a doubt—but the other, much louder part of your brain thinks challenge accepted.

You crawl over to Eren who eyes you as though he’s just waiting for the hidden dagger to slash forward and cut him open, and throw one leg over his lap. Good balance so far. You sit more on his knees than on his thighs, which is enough for the first round of whistles and unnecessary remarks from your comrades. Eren has found a very interesting spot somewhere behind your shoulder that demands his complete, undisturbed attention.

“Kids, you gotta do it properly,” Reiner says, and with a slap to your back, he pushes you flush against Eren’s hips. You choke on your spit. Eren yelps.

Reiner grins. “Exactly like that.”

“Okay, okay, we get it.” You try to weasel some space between you and Eren’s pelvis, but the only place of leverage is his arms. It’s different from hand-to-hand-combat practice where touching bodies is inevitable and you’re too occupied thinking about ways to bring your opponent down than worry about girls and boys accidentally touching where they shouldn’t. But this is deliberate, and now that your hands cling to his arms to regain your balance, you notice the strong chord of muscles tensing under his shirt. His solid thighs easily holding your weight. You don’t doubt if his shirt would lift slightly, the sight of firm abs would greet you.

“Don’t move,” he hisses, grabbing onto your thighs to prevent you from squirming. It gets the desired effect, immediately shutting you up, freezing you on the spot. It also does something weird to your body. You want to close your legs, pretend modesty is a thing that you guys still do around here, but you don’t have to be a genius to understand friction is the last thing Eren needs, and that’s why he’s got an iron grip around your thighs.

Why are so many people cramped up in this tiny room, it’s so fucking hot in here. You still don’t meet Eren’s eyes. You’re close enough to feel him breathing, feel the heat radiating off his body. Not knowing what to do with your hands, they just fumble needlessly in front of you, your fingers curling into the hem of your shirt to do something. Someone laughs really loud at the back of the room.

Eren clears his throat quietly. “Nervous?”

Finally, your eyes meet. His seem darker than usual, a deeper green like a lush forest dancing to strong wind picking up before a storm. This close, you could count every single one of his long lashes.

“Why would I be?” You lean back slightly, but the friction is enough to make Eren tighten his grip around your thighs. You can feel his nails dig into your skin through the fabric of your trousers. “If anything, I get the feeling you’re the one who can’t keep up, Jaeger.”

Eren executes an eye roll that must give him a spectacular view of the inside of his skull. No wonder Jean can’t keep his cool. Or maybe it’s just an Eren-thing, infuriating those around him. A match to an explosive barrel.

You’ll give him one.

“Nervous?” you ask with a mean grin that furrows Eren’s eyebrows in question for a second. Then you roll your hips against his once but hard enough for him to feel the heat between your legs. His expression is priceless, absolutely dumbfounded and stupid and laughter rises in your throat—

Eren throws you off his lap, already on his legs and charging out of the cabin into the cool night. Thankfully most of the other cadets are too busy whooping at Sasha drinking loads of beer from an improvised funnel Connie and Samuel are holding up for her. Only Mikasa has paid attention, and is now rushing after Eren while you return back to Jean’s side. He nibbles on a dried cracker and barely spares you a glance.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Jean asks. He sounds impatient, and when he snaps his jaw shut on the cracker, it reminds you of a guillotine slamming down.

“What’s wrong with your face?” you snap back.

“No, I mean if you’ve got a fever or something, go to bed.”

“Just eat your damn crackers, Jean.”

You try to hide your burning face behind your arms, knees bent up to your chin—a small ball of embarrassment because who could have thought your little joke on Eren would backfire so bad. In that split of a second before he threw you off, his neck and face completely flushed an angry red, Eren looked absolutely ready to devour you. Desire is a dangerous look on him.

From across the room, you catch Reiner’s eyes. Mischief glints in them as he raises his cup in mock salute to you, presenting himself to be the true pyromaniac all along.

❀❀❀

“I’m going to escape these Walls. That’s my dream. Mankind hasn’t been wiped out yet. We deserve to be out there; we are free. We were born into this world to see it.”

When you turned, expecting to see Eren because you so clearly remember him saying those exact words at the graduation ceremony, you saw Emil sitting by your side instead. His eyes were closed, his long, pale lashes resting against his high cheekbones. You remembered how often he said that word, but you didn’t fully understand what he meant.

“What is freedom?” you asked, burrowing your bare toes into the warm soil.

Emil kept his eyes closed. He picked a flower and placed it on his lips. You’d never wished so hard in your life to be able to turn into a flower. He was lying next to you, his fingers resting interwoven on his chest. “It means to do and feel what you want without anyone holding you back or stopping you.”

“That sounds great.” You looked out at the riverbed. It seemed to sparkle more than usual today. “We could get there, one day. It doesn’t sound all that hard.”

“You think?” Emil opened his eyes and looked up at you. His eyes twinkled just like the river. “Look around. All these flowers. Who do they belong to?”

“Hm … nobody? Everyone!”

“Fair enough. Then, pick one that you really like.”

When you looked around, searching for forget-me-not, you spotted a nine-petalled, white flower stretching its small head towards you. “This one,” you said, pointing at it.

Emil made a small sound at the back of his throat. When you turned to him, he was already staring somewhere else, but he looked as though he’d swallowed something sharp. He bent over and ripped the flower out of the ground. “This,” he said, “is my flower now. Even though you really want it. What will you do now?”

“Ask you nicely to give it to me. Because I know you will.”

Emil smiled at that. “Pretend I am not someone nice. Pretend I am someone who is a bad person.”

“Not you.” Your reply came immediately. “Not ever.”

“Then, Marianne,” he continued, and like you knew he would, he put the flower behind your ear, brushing his knuckles along your cheek. “If it were Marianne who took what you wanted, what would you do?”

You pulled a face. “Leave her, I guess. She can have it. But I’d be very sad.”

“Exactly. She is free to do what she wants, and what she wants is to take this flower. And even though you want it too, only stealing it back from her would make you happy. Because you as well are free to do what you want.”

Your head spun from the possibilities. Emil squeezed your hand. “And what if…,” he continued in a voice that was utterly unfamiliar to you, “…what if what you want is to hurt others?”

“It’s wrong.”

Emil chuckled. “Says who?”

“It’s … it’s common sense,” you tried to argue, but it sounded weak and naive even to your own ears.

“Common sense dictates we do not kill, we do not steal. Did you know there are people living underground who have never seen the sky? Who are not allowed to come up here and enjoy the fresh air? Enjoy the feeling of the sun. They kill and steal to survive. Is that still wrong? To do what you need to do to survive?”

You grew very silent. Listening to Emil, he almost seemed like a different person.

“Look at these walls.” Emil looked up. The warmth in his eyes disappeared. “We want to go outside, see the world. But we can’t. Because there are Titans outside. Because there are enemies outside these Walls. It’s unfair, isn’t it?”

“But these Walls protect us,” you shot back. “Without them, Titans would come in and eat us.”

“I suppose that is true. Sometimes, I just wonder … if they as well simply do not have a choice.”

“Which means…” you said slowly, realisation dawning, “Titans … aren’t free?”

The corner of Emil’s mouth pulled up in a rueful smile. His eyes were almost sorrowful. “I suppose … if they feel anything at all.”

“You’re always on top of those things, Emil,” you marvelled, squeezing his hand back. “You’re kind and so full of sympathy for everyone and everything. See, that’s why you could never be a bad person.”

The warmth returned to his eyes, lightening them up to the colour of the early morning sky. “If you say so, then it must be true.”

Before you could forget it, feeling the soft petals of the flower tickling your cheek, you asked, “By the way, what flower is this? I always see it on you.”

And for the first time since you had known him, Emil lied to you: “I don’t know.”

❀❀❀

You have a feeling the headache pounding at the back of your head the next morning isn’t solely because of the booze escapade the night before. Your body doesn’t feel as weary and heavy as the day after May Day a week ago, this type of lethargy is a different kind. You pin it on the upcoming events later in the day, and focus on your current task organising everything for the cannon maintenance at the top of Wall Rose.

Marco has been quietly helping you with that for some time. The creases on his forehead run deeper than the canyons cutting into the earth south of Wall Rose. Everything points to the source of his concern being Jean, currently occupied checking the gas stock for the cylinders, still, you ask the million coins question: “Have you spoken to Jean yet?”

As though he’s been waiting for you to ask that, his reply comes immediately: “I’ll talk to him later. After the preparations. I asked him to wait for me in the backyard at HQ. Before we head off to Sina.” He shrugs. “Or maybe we won’t head off. I’m not sure how to tackle that exactly.”

You think of how much value Jean puts into Marco’s opinion; how he eats up Marco’s words right up like a starving man.

“I don’t think it matters how. You got this. He’ll listen if it’s you, Marco.”

Marco stays silent. He clears his throat when he notices you staring at him, and gives you a wry smile. “We’re talking about Jean here. He can be as stubborn as you.”

“I could beat him up for you. Make him listen.”

The wry smile turns into a full-blown grin. He puts a little more enthusiasm into helping you secure the crates with ropes onto the wooden platform that lifts you up to the top of the Outer Wall. You like this Marco better than the sombre one. You continue working like that for some time until everything is loaded onto the platform and you give Marco the sign to turn on the mechanism that lifts you up.

“You ever wonder,” he says suddenly, thumb resting on the button. When he looks at you, it feels a little as though he’s seeing through you. “… if what we want and what we need are different things?”

You wait for him to continue when you realise he doesn’t mean it as a rhetorical question. “I think it’s enough sometimes to settle for what we want. We might never know what we need.”

“Maybe,” sighs Marco. “But what if the moment is there all of a sudden and you have to make a decision?” He kneads the back of his neck, then shakes his head like a puppy shaking water off its fur, trying to disperse his thoughts. “I’m talking nonsense, sorry. Today is hard enough on most of us. I’ll see you later for the distribution banquet.” He doesn’t give you a chance to respond and presses the button. With a jolt, the platform rises, and you hold onto a crate, watching as Marco grows smaller and smaller. He salutes up to you by putting two fingers to his temple. You wave back, trying to swallow around the lump in your throat.

Maybe that was his try at convincing you to change your path as well. It would be great, staying together like this for the next few years until it is time to discharge. But somehow you doubt it would be that easy to convince Jean otherwise, and you’ve already made yourself acquainted with Trost’s Garrison unit and its captain, Hannes. Of course, now that you won’t see him for some time, you find a better answer for Marco’s question: That sometimes, you settle for what you can get. That you can’t have it all.

On top of the wall, Connie is the first to greet you. “We got worried you two bailed on us,” he says, immediately tackling the ropes and disentangling them from the crates. The rest of the group is already maintaining the canons and cleaning them up. Whoever was on duty to supervise you, they’re nowhere in sight.

“Sorry, we lost track of time chatting.” You help him carry the necessary instruments and tools. When Mina sees you, her face lights up and she says something to Thomas. He looks over and grins. Sasha looks over and grins, too. It feels as though they’re all in on a conspiracy and you’re the only one left out, radiating a fervent energy that is like a flame jumping from source to source.

“What’s up with everyone?” you ask Connie.

He drops a crate, ignoring the rattling inside it and dusts himself down. “They’re just excited ‘cause Sasha swiped some meat from the pantry.”

“She did?” You rivet your eyes on her until she notices your stare. Holding your hand up in an OK-sign, she grins and throws a hand up in return. Mina squeaks—and maybe that is a little too much excitement for something as simple as that, which should have given you reason to wonder. Connie sniffs indiscreetly. “Oh, and we’re all gonna join the Scouts.”

You drop your hand and stare at him. “You’re joking.”

“Nuh-uh. I guess Eren’s little speech yesterday left an impression on us all.” He shrugs, as though a decision like that is not worth the hustle. You want to take him by his shoulders and smack his head against a wall. By divine intervention or just honed survival instinct, he decides just then to join the others and leave to your crisis.

They must think you’ll join the Survey Corps as well. But this isn’t how it’s supposed to happen. You don’t just decide something like that in the spur of the moment. “What if the moment is there all of a sudden and you have to make a decision?” You wonder if Marco is in on this, and it’s all a huge conspiracy.

You take a step forward to set things right, and maybe give Mina a good shake to remind her this isn’t what you two agreed upon, this isn’t what you two wanted—

The sight is breathtaking.

It is your second time on top of the wall. Cadets are usually allowed only after their graduation because Shadis doesn’t trust you not to kill yourself by stumbling off the edge. Maybe it’s the final step for him to recognise his fledglings have grown into hunting birds capable of soaring through the skies and every year he pushes that as far away as possible.

The sight never ceases to amaze you. All along the horizon, mountains rise and fall in full splendid, covered with forests and cut through my glistening lakes and rivers. Giant, stark-white clouds rise behind them and paint the blue horizon with a severe beauty that has you shuddering with the realisation how close you are to the sky.

This is it. The sight Emil has always dreamt of, that he had longed to see for himself. The endless world; to leave the small cage and see the big world. The thought makes your heart race with wonder and excitement and fear—all after just seeing the possibility.

What if, what if, what if … what we want and what we need are different things?

“Hey, be careful.” Eren’s voice is like an anchor pulling you back to the present. You haven’t noticed him approaching, but now he’s standing close to you.

When you look at him, you blink until the sting at the back of your eyes disappears. “The wind’s really something up here, huh,” you say, rubbing your eyes dry.

Eren’s jaw works for a moment before he turns and takes the world in. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “It’s something.”

It feels like no more words are needed. He gets it.

“You have to tell me,” you mumble. “What you’ll find beyond the horizon. Okay? Whenever you leave to kick Titans’ asses, you have to come back and tell me.”

Eren turns to you. The wind tears at his hair, but he stands firmly. Nothing can throw him off. “Of course I’ll come back,” he says like it’s nothing. He doesn’t know what this promise untethers inside you. Your knees wobble. It feels as though you have peeled back every layer of your hopes and fears and dreams and laid them bare before him. The weight of your heart seems to tear you apart with the words that you wish you could say. And for a time there is timelessness; endless stillness that holds the picture that is you two standing at the edge of the world stretching across the horizon when overhead, lightning in the sky turns the world white and summons the Destroyer of Worlds.

As you stare into the eyes of the Colossal Titan, stomach roiling with panic, you can’t help but notice, distantly, how human its eyes seem.

A/N: Today’s The Amazing Devil’s song I’m shoving down your throats: Not Yet / Love Run (Reprise)

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Taglist: @arisu003, @brooki, @prttyangelbaby, @honeylmnade, @berriesandcrem

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