#hard to remember when it's mostly just me by myself haha there's not a load of perspective there :P

[b-blushes]

hmmmmmm misread the delivery date of the beautiful 35%-off mug on etsy and it will not in fact be arriving between 26th-28th april!!!

guess it will be an early birthday present to myself in. 4 whole weeks!

[hapfairy]

Hi, I saw your post about wishing you got more asks like Neil Gaiman does so here's a writing question. I know that to be a better writer you have to also read a lot, but the more I read the more I encounter great ideas that have been done perfectly already, and it negatively affects my motivation. (recently I've been working on scene between two characters, and a certain line from a different story kept coming back to me... I found it very hard to keep trying to write something different when my mind is convinced the perfect line has already been written by somebody else). Is this something you've ever struggled with? How can a writer stay creative and original, while also engaging with their community and other writers' work?

Well this is a great question, thank you for asking! The thing that really helped me with this is I worked on accepting myself as a writer (mostly... imposter syndrome is real, haha) and a unique person. I used to get really upset because I'd read The Graveyard Book and then think well that's it, there's the perfect book, I can't improve on that. Or I'd read the blurb of a book in a shop and despair because it sounded exactly like the story I was working on, and thought I'd have to throw mine away because it was too similar and because they were a big award winning author and mine would never be that good. But the thing is: there is only one You. Only you have your experiences and your way of writing and your influences and your way of viewing the world. Two different people could be given the same plot outline and write it completely differently. I ended up writing my own series set in a graveyard and it's very different to The Graveyard Book. And when it comes to readers, most people just enjoy getting more of what they like. It's especially true for young readers. I remember crying after reading a series that came out just before mine and spotting loads of coincidental similarities, and thinking theirs was so much better (and fearing everyone would be mad at me and think I'd copied them). And yes, that series sells a lot and has a huge amount of fans - but mine also does well and thankfully no-one has ever shouted at me about it. It's like that comic where someone thinks "my cake looks rubbish next to theirs" and then a new person comes along and is like "hell yeah, two cakes!". Maybe the other person's cake is perfect, but that doesn't mean you can't make something good and different and interesting too. I used to worry more about copying other writers also. I felt like my work often just read like an imitation of Neil Gaiman or Terry Pratchett - not least because I was constantly reading their books. It helped when I started reading more widely and writing out of my comfort zone. There is a quote that goes something like "only by stealing from everything can you be truly original". Like if you look at Terry Pratchett, so much of his work is referential or parody or inspired by his own favourite authors or by real history. If everything has already been done better, then it's okay if your brain borrows things from other places - you just have to give it a lot of different things to borrow from, and piece it together in a new way. I would be lying if I said I didn't still sometimes feel worried about this or demotivated by it, but I've also learned how normal it is. So I would say next time you feel that way, it's probably good to remind yourself that your favourite authors almost certainly felt the same at one point. And then they wrote a book anyway.

[thenobleprincex]

i feel very normal about them 🥹🤍✨

Personl reflection/rambling thoughts incoming, hence the break:

Honestly, watching this show close is hitting me so hard and making me feel so much. I am hoping and praying that this cast will do a (brief) run in London just so I can at least have the chance to watch them, even though I know it won't actually happen and I am just deluding myself but... Am I asking for too much??

And like, to be totally honest, though I've been somewhat following along the Merrily train since maybe the beginning of the year (and this was very much because I noticed that Jonathan and Daniel were in it together and looked very cute with each other and I enjoyed both of them seperately, so that made me curious about the show), I only actually jumped on board very recently. And god, I was hooked. And to see it come to a close already is honestly a bit heartbreaking?

These past few months, since Fall last year, have honestly been surprisingly hard for me. I've been feeling a lot and being Very emotional (very angry, very sad, very very lost, and very very lonely), and thinking and reflecting seems to be leading nowhere and I just feel like I'm trapped with all these intense emotions that just don't go away. It's so hard.

And simultaneously, and mostly by coincidence, these have also been months where I'm returning to loads of past loves of mine. Like, I started listening to the Witch Please podcast (which is brilliant) about a year ago and that made me go and relisten to half of the Harry Potter books (which I haven't read since my early early teens since I'm not a big re-reader). Then in November it was Doctor Who's 60th and that was so amazing and exciting and got me totally hooked back on Doctor Who (which feels a bit full circle for me, because the first time I watched the show it was right after the 50th and that was a very exciting time, but I've always been awful at following along with stuff as it came out, so season 14 was the first time I actually fully did it and it was GREAT). It also made me start crushing very very hard on David Tennant (and Georgia haha) which makes me feel fourteen again in the best way (truly, I'm so not mad about it. Do I wish it was less intense? Yeah, absolutely. But other than that, it's fine lol).

And now I'm getting back into musicals?? Like, it just feels like I'm reliving all my teen loves and I truly don't know what to make of that (if anything? hahaha).

I did not grow up with musicals, you know? Like, I've always loved the concept, but there is not much of a musical scene over here. There was no Disney channel and their teen musical shows. The closest I had were musical animes (god, the obsession I had with Mermaid Melody!!) and seasons 7 and 8 of Morangos com Açúcar (which were coming out when I was young, and I watched it RELIGIOUSLY). But I did love the concept, so much so that when I first started watching 🏴‍☠️ shows, Glee was one of the first I watched. And then 2016 and Hamilton happened and I was so HOOKED to that show. Like, I was totally one of those Hamilton Girlies, no questions. I was obsessed with it. And I was studying music at the time and seriously considering pursuing music in university (I had such an appreciation for Alex Lacamoire in particular, I loved that guy). That ended up not happening and eventually my hyperfixation moved on to other things (*coughs* my football girlie era lol), but I did listen to some other shows at the time and met two of the loves of my life: Waitress (which I am slightly hopeful I may one day see?) and Anastasia (which I doubt I'll get to see...). I remember watching Christy's Instagram lives and loving her so much (she had such a lovely energy). And I loved that production so much too (and it remains one of my biggest regrets Ever that I did not go and see the Spanish production in Madrid). That was the only show I've actually followed along as it closed and it was so intense, and it's been years, but now I'm just sort of reliving that with Merrily.

Like, those people seem to be having the absolute best time backstage. It makes me wanna be a part of that so bad. I've watched their insta takeovers wayy too many times because it really does make me so giddy and happy. I've legitimately started looking for, like, volunteer or amateur theatre groups where I live where I could maybe fill some sort of backstage position because theatre seems like so much fun!!! but there is nothing and since being on stage is literally one of my biggest nightmares, I just have to live with it all by myself instead.

And it's fine. It's fine. Merrily will close on Sunday and I'll be on my phone all day and I'll be very sad and then I'll move on to something else I guess. Living with the fact that I'll never get to see these three perform together live does hurt though. I'm just kinda tired of yearning and wanting things and people so much and just never having any resolution to that, ya know?

Okay, I don't really have anything else in me right now. Just.. If you read this, and if you somehow relate or feel in any way called to reach out, please feel free. I'd appreciate it. Not to be every fangirl stereotype ever, but I actually don't have many friend (irl or otherwise) and I have a very hard time making them, but if you're in your early/mid-twenties and would like to talk, I'd be very happy to do that

For the time being, I'll cross my fingers and keep on dreaming/deluding myself that my Lindsay/Dan/Jonathan MWRA dreams will come true at some point in the near future haha. Wishing them all the luck and joy for these final performances <3

[moon-megami]

New Neurologist

Today I had a very inconvenient auto-rescheduled neurologist follow up appointment. I've only seen the actual Neurologist once, but he didn't find anything 'wrong' with me other than "it's probably migranes", so I got shuffled off to one of his nurse practitioners. This time I got a new one since the old one was no longer there. If anything, the old NP was passionate and caring, which helped. But she was mostly making sure the headache that likes to shatter the base of my skull hasn't came back and that I'm using my CPAP. I've been using 500mg of Magnesium to keep that skull-shattering pain away, and it's working. No one is going to pry that supplement out of my cold dead hands.

She starts out with the broad question "How are you?". A loaded question for someone who has a thousand problems. How am I? For which part of me? I could only muster up that my POTS was acting up because I got a stomach bug last week and my body hasn't caught up. I could kinda tell she didn't really 'follow', not a great sign. I felt slightly dizzy when standing yesterday, I had to use the scooter at the store to get myself a birthday present. She looked at my BP and just said "It's normal". No shit shirlock.

She steers the conversation to my headaches. My regular GP gave me Topimax at the beginning of January to try, but I was really weary of the side effects. I had finally eluded to him the fact I was smelling and tasting cigarette smoke out my nose and it had gotten worse and worse since August (I experienced phantom smells for at least 7+ years), so he gave me a low dose of 25mg Topimax because it could be a migraine aura. Checks out I guess. I've always known I have painless headaches or at least non-conventional headaches. About a week ago I finally noticed the effects and the smell is mostly gone. But the brain fog is still there.

The brain fog. I've always had brain fog since I've been diagnosed with POTS and Dysautonomia 13 years ago. I was 22 when all my issues started. But recently, around August or so (along with the phantom smell), it has gotten so much worse. So much so, that I can barely do my job. I'm a web programmer, and I need my brain to work. I need to be able to write more than a few lines of code a day, and yet, lately, that's all I can muster. Following a few trains of thought has been hard for me the past few months. This is a different beast of brain fog. As I sit there pouring this out to my new NP, tears roll down my cheeks. She asks me if I'm "sure" it just didn't start happening with Topimax (because one of the side effects is cognitive decline and brain fog). I reiterated to her, no, definitely not. If only I could show her my git history, hah.

She says "Let's take a little test". She gets up and brings back a paper, saying it's a memory test or whatever. I thought to myself, ok, this is easy. I don't like being put on the spot but I put my best effort face on anyway. She gave me 5 words to remember at the start of the test. Easy. She put a timer on one minute and told me to list as many animals I can think of. Sure.

"Cat, fish, chicken, dog, ... bird ... lion .. giraffe ....... cat ....." before I knew it, the timer was going off and I was sitting there in a ball pulling my hair out practically. Ugh. Failed that one miserably. I've always been bad at pulling things out of my ass. Go ahead, ask me where anything is. I know exactly where it is, but don't get the word "dresser" out of me when I tell you "its on the thingy over there".

Next was a few math problems, took me longer to answer but I think i was still riled up from the last question. After that I had to repeat back numbers backwards in increasing length, easy.

Next, I had to put an X on the triangle. She hands me the paper. I go straight for the square and mark it and she's like "No... that's the square." FUCK. "oh.. uh.. oh yeah the triangle lol haha". She then tells me to draw the hands of the clock "ten til eleven". I re-read the sentence next to the clock to make sure I understood and drew the clock, perfect, yep.

Next she read me a short story at the bottom of a paper and I answer all the details she asked for after. At the end she asks me for the words at the begining of the test.

Oh yeah. Those.

2 of them I was certain of. Pen and Tie. 2 I wasn't sure but I tried to remember her gestures at the time, Ball and Shirt, surely. The other was a mystery.

She takes the paper and totals the score. She had a slight downturn in her smile as she looked at the answers and the score. She says to me "Perhaps we should refer you to a center for further evaluation.". I asked her what I scored, out of curiosity. She forced a smile and scooted her chair closer to me. I know a polite blow when I see one, and it was coming. "Well... I expected a little higher score for someone your age and education level". There is is. Boom.

I asked her what I scored and what I missed. She said I got a 20/30, which doesn't mean much to me. But apparently, I only remembered 2/5 words, and missed all the number backward questions except for the 2-digit one, she seemed to have forgiven me for the triangle mistake. I drew the clock wrong. WAIT. I DREW THE CLOCK WRONG? Damn, I'm really stupid. Yeah, I drew it as 11:55 and not 11:50. All I had to do was draw a straight line with 2 arrows. Ugh. At least I got all the details in the story right.

So she wrote up some labs I have to go get now, told me to stop taking Topimax, and wrote me a prescription for Qulipta, which, as you know, is a very expensive medication. CBC, TSH, Total T4, B1, B12, Folate, D 25 hydroxy. All will come back normal I'm sure, I've had most of them checked recently anyway. And that referral, which will probably also take months to hear back from. In the car, I was mad at myself and a little sad. What did the test mean for me? I have always had... difficulties in some departments. I know I had learning difficulties, but I've always conquered them. I have never let it define me or interfere with my successes.

As soon as I got home, I wrote my GP an email through my portal explaining that she wanted me to stop taking the Topimax and start Qulipta, and about my test result. I had mentioned the crippling brain fog to him on my last visit too.

He wrote back in the evening, I assume after all his patients for the day. The tone of his correspondence came off to me as slightly spiteful, and I don't know how I feel about it. I've been building up a great rapport with him for 4 years, trusting him with more and more of my symptoms as I went along, him listening to just about every one of them and offering is best knowledge.

"I only have experience with Topimax and not Qulipta, but it seems like they have convinced your insurance to cough up the money for the expensive drug by using your cognitive test to justify taking you off Topiramate."

So was I just... used? Was all that test for was to get a kickback for a drug? It didn't feel like it, surely she wouldn't have bothered with ordering all the labs and that referral for further testing to a completely unrelated center? Talk about knocking me down a few inches more, to how already diminished I was feeling earlier today after my appointment. I feel mad and betrayed, but did he really mean it the way I am taking it? Was he mad I went against his own recommendations?

Again my closest friend is no help, he tries to comfort saying he'd score the same as me. From my quick Google search, and I do mean quick, because I didn't want to scare myself, 'normal' educated people my age don't score that low, even if they try. I don't tell my husband because I don't want him to worry, he has anxiety and worries too much. I only tell him things I am certain about. I don't know what to do with myself but type what I feel here and cry.

I guess that's the point of a blog.

[girlwiththereapertattoo]

begin again - part three

Jax Teller x female!Reader

Summary: Y/N and Jax grow closer... I don't know what else to say without revealing spoilers haha

Word count: 4k words

Warnings: very bad language, mentions of blood, physical & verbal abuse, angsty & some fluff

Author's note: I appreciate all the positive feedback I've received this far! It's much appreciated :) also, I'm bad at writing these summaries

If you’re in an abusive relationship or you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up and reach out to the correct people!

Beta read by @crucifixedbitch

PART ONE | PART TWO

💀💀💀💀💀

He’s late. The thought brings about a familiar uneasiness and your mind conjures images of a bloodied Jax lying unconscious in some dingy ditch. Jesus Christ.

“Mommy, why did you stop reading?”

S/N’s soft voice draws you back to reality. You look over to his bed where he’s laying beside Abel. “Did I stop reading?”

He giggles, “Yep.”

Oh. You look down at the book in your hand then back up at the boys. “I’m sorry, ace. I guess Mommy’s a bit tired.” And apparently, she’s distracted. You look back down at the book, willing yourself to remember your place.

“Cooper the Cat was stuck in the tree,” he reminds you.

“Right, Cooper the Cat!” your eyes hastily skim through the short paragraphs until you land at the right sentence. “Got it. ‘Help!’ cried Cooper from the tree…”

And just like that, all thoughts of Jax and his safety are shoved to the back of your mind to deal with at a later time. It’s your lucky day today, the boys have had a long day and they’re out before you reach the end of the book.

“I love you, ace,” you whisper to your son after you’ve kissed him goodnight.

It’s because of your love for S/N that you left Jax and the endless bullshit that comes with him. Anxiety-filled nights like this one are a thing of your past and you know you can’t allow yourself to be consumed by thoughts of him. Once you start, there’s no stopping you. You know this, very well, so why is there a sick feeling twisting in your gut? Because a small part of you is still in love with your ex.

Hope blooms when your phone vibrates in your pocket but it’s only B/N. It’s not that you’re not happy to see your boyfriend’s name on your phone screen, but the anxiety’s gnawing at your mind, and you’re desperate for it to be put to sleep. Fortunately for you, B/N’s in high spirits. He’s been frustrated with you lately, and wants you back in Charlotte — his insecurities about Jax are beginning to show.

It’s for that reason that you don’t tell him about S/N’s friendship with Abel.

“This time next week, you and S/N will be back home,” he muses.

“Yeah, we both can’t wait.” You feel disappointed at the realization, “It feels like forever, doesn’t it?”

And S/N has been asking about B/N more and more these days but you don’t tell that to him, afraid that he’ll catch the earliest flight to California. Truthfully, you’re not exactly ready to let Jax out of your life which you’ll be forced to do if B/N’s in Charming. You see, he’s… protective and doesn’t like the idea of you hanging around men. Especially Jax. Hell, he almost stopped you from attending your own mother’s funeral.

Of course, it was under the guise of being the protective boyfriend. “Are you sure it’s safe for you to be in the same town as your violent biker ex?” He said all the right things and did everything in his power to talk you out of the decision but in the end, he failed to convince you to stay away.

“Goodnight, I love you.”

You hang up just in time to hear Jax’s motorcycle pull up out front. The relief is quickly overshadowed by concern when you open the door and are greeted by a bloody-faced Jax.

“I’m late.”

“I’m more concerned about that gash on your brow. Come in.” You open the door wider, “If you’re here to get Abel, he’s asleep. You can fetch him in the morning.”

“Shit.” You step aside to allow him access into the house, “I’m sorry, Y/N, I got caught up in Oakland.”

“It’s fine. S/N was happy to have Abel stay the night.”

He smiles, “Thank you.”

You return his smile, “We should clean that before it gets infected.” Before you can process your actions, you’re leaning closer to take a better look at the cut. “I can’t see much, you should rinse it with water. I’ll go grab the first aid kit.”

“It’s late, I’ll have Chibs take care of the cut.”

“Meet me in the kitchen,” you start for the bathroom, “rinse the cut.”

You grab the first aid kit from the bathroom and find Jax sitting at the breakfast table, pensively staring into space, a half-drunk bottle of water sitting in front of him.

“Here.”

Your voice pulls him from his reverie. His eyes drop to the pill container in your hand and he arches a brow.

“It’s for the pain.”

“Thanks.” He accepts the pills and pops the cap open, “I should’ve called.”

“It’s fine.” You do your best to keep a casualness in your voice when you ask, “What was happening in Oakland? Is everyone okay?”

He gazes at you for a long while before he responds, gauging where your head is at. “Yeah, we’re all fine.”

“Should I be worried?”

He slowly shakes his head, “No.”

You watch him take the pain medication, there are so many questions to ask, questions only Jax has answers to.

“Is it safe for you to be here?”

He swallows the pills and smiles, “I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t safe. Don’t worry, you and S/N are safe.”

Hesitantly, you nod as you pull a chair from the table. In a bid to lighten the mood, you tell him, “No offense, Jackie, but you look like shit.”

“I feel like shit,” he chuckles.

You take your seat in front of him and suppress the urge to smile, “Who punched your handsome mug?”

“I was pistol-whipped.”

“Ouch.” Scooting forward in your chair, you lean towards Jax to get a better look at the rinsed cut, and for a very brief moment, your eyes lock with his before they dart up to his cut. “It’s like the good ol’ days, isn’t it?”

“You playin’ nurse?”

“Yeah.”

Back in the day, nights like these were common. Jax would sit at this very table, at the very chair he’s sat on, whilst you tended to his cuts and bruises. Mother would be sitting in the living room, hurling insults at both you and Jax. She would take any chance to remind you that you were making a mistake you would regret for the rest of your life.

“Your mom hated me.”

Your eyes lock with his, “In her defense, you would always be finding ways to antagonize her.”

And in return, your mother would call Jax all kinds of names but even that wouldn’t keep him away. Nothing ever could keep him from you. Memories of Jax sneaking into your room late at night come to mind. “I had to come kiss my girl goodnight,” he’d tell you.

“We were pretty wild back then,” you reminisce.

And you were madly in love with each other, however, you keep that part to yourself. The situation’s complicated enough without the added layer. You’ve barely mustered the courage to mention B/N’s existence to Jax because, in all honesty, you’re not quite sure how he might react to another man raising his son. The thought of his reaction fills you with dread. Heaven knows he’ll give you a hard time about leaving next week.

Gah, it’s all too much! With a shake of your head, you dismiss all thoughts and grab the ointment from the kit. “Shall we?”

He nods and shuts his eye for you to apply it on the cut. A silence descends upon the kitchen and neither of you makes an effort to fill it.

“You’re good to go,” you announce once you’re done.

“Thanks.”

“I couldn’t risk it getting infected.”

More than anything, you don’t want S/N to see Mommy’s friend sporting cuts on his face. He’ll ask questions, probably mention it to B/N, and you’re not looking to have that drama in your life.

“Are you hungry? I’m assuming you haven’t had your dinner…”

“Nah, but I should get going.”

Your mood deflates at his announcement. The truth is you don’t want him to leave but how do you stop him without giving him the wrong idea? Why are you even stopping him from leaving?

“Stay,” you blurt out.

“Stay?”

“Yeah, there’s the guest bedroom. It’s late and you’re medicated and you shouldn’t be driving and–”

“I have nothing to wear.”

“Sure you do.” You take a breath to compose yourself, “I was cleaning out the closets the other day and I found some of your old stuff. They’re clean, I uh, washed them. Everything is oversized, they should still fit you.”

You had intended to take them to Goodwill and you will but right now, Jax needs them.

“Look, I would never forgive myself if something happened to you.”

It isn’t a lie but it isn’t the full truth. Honestly? You just want him near you. It’s wrong, and you understand the implications and know that B/N won’t be happy should he find out, but one night wouldn’t be harmful to anyone, right? Besides, he’ll be sleeping in the guest bedroom.

He thoughtfully considers your proposition. After a stretched silence, he reluctantly accepts your offer.

“Great,” you perk up, “I’ll warm up your dinner.”

You make some conversation over dinner, none of the heavy shit, mostly catching up on all you’ve missed in the four years you’ve been away. He tells you about the club, and that Opie met someone and they’re now married.

“And how about you? Is there anyone special in your life?”

He doesn’t answer your question, not that you expect him to. You just can’t help but be curious. After dinner, he heads over to the bathroom to take his shower whilst you load the dishwasher and dig through the laundry to look for Jax’s old t-shirts and sweats. The guilt sets in and you fight the urge to call B/N to tell him about Jax.

You’re dialing his number when you stop yourself. “Geez, Y/N!” you toss your phone into the laundry basket and step back to create distance between you and the device. Think about this. The last thing you need is B/N bulldozing into Charming and starting shit with Jax and the M.C. — that could be fatal. No, Jax staying the night is you helping out an old friend, there’s nothing more to it.

Grabbing the folded pile of clothing, you make your way down the hall to the guest bedroom and find Jax waiting patiently on the bed for you. Nothing but a towel tied around his waist.

“I should’ve knocked, I’m sorry.”

He rises off the bed and that’s when you get a clear view of his torso, and the tattoo inscribed on his ribcage.

“You’ve proved your point, Jax, now let’s go.” “No, why?” You look over your shoulder to the big, tattooed man standing over by the counter, laughing at whatever joke he’s just been told. You’re at some grimy tattoo parlor, somewhere in Reno, and Jax’s about to get your name tattooed on his body. His ribcage to be exact. The sentiment is sweet, you admit, but it’s a permanent decision, and you’re only 17. You look back at Jax who’s now laying shirtless on the tattoo chair, “Do you realize how insane this is?” He smiles brightly as he shakes his head. “Do you have a death wish? Gemma’ll kill us both when she sees this.” Part of her rage will be due to the fact that it’s your name on his ribcage instead of hers. “And what if they find out we’ve lied about our age?” “Babe, will you relax? They won’t, this place is a dump.” Which is exactly why he shouldn’t get his first-ever tattoo done here. “There’s no talking you out of this, huh?” “No.” He laces his fingers with yours and raises your hand to press a kiss to its back, “This is what I want to do. I don’t care what my mom thinks.” “And the pain? You don’t care about that either?” He shakes his head, “No.” You glance at the stencil transfer on his ribcage and sigh. “I know you don’t have to do this–” “I want to do this.” “And there’s clearly no talking you out of this.” “Yeah.” You squeeze his hand and flash him a reassuring smile, “Do you want me to hold your hand?” His smile returns, brighter than ever, “I’d appreciate it, darlin’.” “You’re insane, you know that, right?” He nods. “Only because I love you.” You lean over to lock your lips in a kiss — you don’t doubt it for a second.

You pry your eyes from his torso, forcing yourself to face the now smirking Jax. Right, his clothes!

You hold out the pile to him, “Did you put your clothes in the hamper?”

He accepts them and murmurs ‘thanks’ before he responds to your question. “Yeah, just like you said.”

“Okay,” you fight off the urge to look down at his ribcage. He kept it. “I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight Jax.”

Spinning on your heels, you scurry out the room before you do something you’ll regret later.

💀💀💀💀💀

“Mommy! Come see!”

S/N and Abel’s laughter sounds from the living room. Saturday mornings have always been your favorite. Sleeping in is always a winner in your books, a vital part of any Saturday routine, and once you’re up, B/N takes S/N out of the house whilst you prepare breakfast. Last weekend was S/N’s first Saturday away from B/N and he was miserable. This Saturday is different.

“Mommy?” More laughter sounds, “You will miss it!”

Lowering the heat, you abandon your cooking and make your way over to the living room. A slouched Jax is taking up most of the three-seater with S/N and Abel on either side of him, all three pairs of eyes fixed on the television screen.

“What’s got you laughing so much, ace?” You take a seat on the armrest and press a kiss to the top of your son’s head. “Beaky Buzzard?”

“Yeah.” He looks up at you, “Are you coming to sit with us?”

“No, Mommy’s got to make breakfast.”

You’d like nothing more than to stick around and watch cartoons with them but there’s breakfast to prepare. When you walk back into the kitchen, you discover your phone vibrating on the counter and you just know it’s B/N. It’s his fifth attempt in the last half-hour, probably looking to speak to S/N, but that just isn’t a good idea. Not when Jax is in the house. You’re being deceitful to both parties, but the timing just isn’t right.

B/N would lose it if he found out about Jax’s regular visits, and you don’t know how Jax would react to B/N’s existence in your life and the role he plays in your son’s life. It would ruin a perfectly good morning. The day got off to a good start with the news of the sale of your childhood home, and your son’s mood is the best it’s been all week. Why would you even think to ruin it by starting trouble with B/N?

It’s not worth it. You’ll just have to come up with a story to tell him later.

“Breakfast is served!”

The boys come barreling in and take their places at the breakfast table. You assist the two youngest boys to plate up their food before you plate up for yourself. Everyone digs into the food, and the compliments you receive are a definite boost for the ego. You listen intently as S/N and Abel excitedly recount the Looney Tune episode they’d watched earlier and S/N’s beside himself with laughter.

The happy moment is disrupted by the unwelcomed vibration of your phone on the counter.

“Is that Daddy calling?”

Shit! You wince at the name ��Daddy’. It’s what S/N always calls B/N but somehow, it doesn’t feel right when Jax’s sitting across the table from him.

“Mommy?”

“Yeah, ace?” you look over to him, very aware of Jax’s eyes burning into the back of your head.

“Is that Daddy calling?”

“No, it’s probably the estate agent.” It’s not a convincing lie, but you’re caught off guard and can’t come up with something better. “She’s calling about the house.”

“When is Daddy calling?”

“Probably later.” You hate that you’re being so dismissive. “We’ll call him after Abel and Jax leave, okay?”

He looks like he might ask another question, maybe press for a better answer, but he resumes eating his food. You avoid Jax’s eyes for the remainder of breakfast. He helps you clear the table and load the dishwasher in painful silence. Once Jax has helped you load the dishes, he leaves you alone in the kitchen. Can the morning get any worse? Apparently, it can. You unlock your phone to find multiple texts from an irate B/N.

He didn’t take kindly to you ignoring all ten of his calls. Shit. You’re on the verge of tears when Jax saunters into the kitchen.

“Abel and I are leaving.”

You nod, unsure of how to respond. “You’ll ride on your bike with Abel?”

“No. Ratboy’s waiting out front with the van.”

“Ratboy?”

“The new prospect.”

“And will we see Abel tomorrow?”

His impassive expression says it all. Your gut twists with anxiety at the thought of not seeing Jax again before you leave Charming. How do you make this right?

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He slowly shakes his head. Just then S/N and Abel sprint into the kitchen, bustling with energy. Abel hugs you goodbye before the boys run back out of the kitchen and out of the house onto the front yard.

“I’m leaving my bike here. I’ll come by to get it later.”

“Cool. Yeah, that’s fine.”

You walk Jax out, and just like he’d said, Ratboy is waiting out front in a black van. Together with S/N, you watch Jax and Abel climb into the van and drive off.

“Can we call Daddy now?”

“Yeah, let’s go,” you lift him up and carry him towards the house. “Did you have a good time with Abel?”

He nods his little human head, a bright grin plastered on his perfect face. Once inside the house, you dial B/N’s number but he doesn’t pick up, in fact, it seems his phone’s off. Strange.

“I think his phone’s off, ace.”

His face falls. In an effort to brighten his mood, you suggest driving over to the playground.

“When is Abel coming back to play?”

You inwardly sigh. It looks like today’ll be one long ass day.

💀💀💀💀💀

The last person you expect to find standing on the other side of your front door is B/N and yet here he is, and he looks anything but pleased with you. Oh, shit. Your heart sinks at the sight of him, the chill of fear coursing through your body, and your mouth dries.

“B/N?”

His unsettling smile causes the hairs on the back of your neck to raise. “Hi, Toots. Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

Your movement’s robot-like as you step away from the door to make way for him. He walks past you, and once inside, his eyes search around the small space.

“Are you home alone?”

You seem to have forgotten how to speak.

“Toots?”

“S/N… He’s, uh… He’s asleep.”

He murmurs a soft ‘good’ before he turns around to pull you into an embrace. For a moment, you stand frozen, your brain seized up and you feel like a foreigner in your own body.

“What’s the matter, Toots? You don’t look too happy to see me. Were you expecting someone else?”

Yes. “No.” Moving one arm at a time, you return B/N’s embrace and do your best to calm your nerves. You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s not going to hurt you, you repeat over and over until he releases you from his hold. “I just wasn’t expecting you to come all this way.”

“It’s only a five-hour flight.”

Why the fuck are you here?

As if he read your mind, he tells you. “I missed you guys so much, I thought I’d surprise you,” with a tight smile, he adds, “You’re not very good at answering my calls.”

“I’m sorry.”

B/N hauls his luggage from the porch and dumps it onto the floor before he makes his way over to the living room. You follow slowly behind him, watching as he settles onto the couch and searches for the television remote.

“C-can I get you anything?”

“Join me,” it’s an order.

You drag your feet over to the couch and take your place next to him. Casually, he slings an arm over your shoulder and forcefully pulls you into his side.

“There. Now you’re close.”

You can’t bring yourself to fake a smile. Too petrified. He presses a kiss to the side of your head and whispers into your ear to relax.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

He’s told you that lie far too many times in the past.

“Are you enjoying being back in Charming?”

You nod, the words caught in your throat.

“What are you? Mute? Use your fucking words, Toots.”

“It’s good to be back.” Your voice is shaky, barely recognizable. “I missed it here”

His fingers start stroking up and down your upper arm. “Good.”

Your eyes fix on the blank television screen in front of you.

“Is he here? Is he hiding in one of the rooms?”

“Who?”

“Your white trash biker ex!”

You jump up, surprised by him raising his voice so suddenly. “Jax? No! Why would he be here?”

“You lying piece of shit,” he spits out, shoving you away from him, the force sending you to the ground. “I saw his bike parked out front. I’ll ask you again, is he here?”

“No, B/N,” tears fill your eyes, you know exactly what’s to follow but still, you plead, “Don’t do this here. Not now, please, baby.”

“Shut up!” He raises to his feet, towering over you, and kicks at your trembling frame. “No one’s touched you, why the fuck are you crying?”

“I’m sorry.” You swipe the tears from your cheeks. “I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t… I don’t know whose bike that is.”

“Are you cheating on me, you whore?”

Frantically, you shake your head.

“I said use your fucking words.”

You bring a trembling hand to your mouth to muffle your sobs.

“I asked you a question, you dumb bitch!”

“No. No. No.” You crawl over to him, closing the distance between you. “I’d never, baby. Never ever.”

“That doesn’t explain why a bike’s parked outside your house.”

“B/N, please,” you plead softly. “S/N’s asleep, we can do this another–”

The words are lost when he harshly grabs your face and shoves you onto your back. Both hands cover your mouth to muffle your pained cries. He’s vicious, and tonight, he’s out for blood.

“Get up, you–”

Knock, knock, knock! You’ve never been more relieved in your life. B/N shoots you a warning glare, daring you to make a move. A few moments later, the knocks sound again, a little louder this time around.

“Y/N?”

It’s Jax. You are faced with two decisions: do you call for Jax to help you or do you take your deserved punishment?

“Y/N?” he knocks louder. “Are you in there?”

You’re sobbing so much, your body’s trembling. B/N kneels beside you, placing two additional hands over the ones already covering your mouth. His additional weight pushes your head further into the hard ground, causing your head to hurt. It’s sure to leave a bruise. With a final knock, Jax gives up and some moments later, you hear his motorcycle ride off. Once he’s certain Jax’s left, B/N removes his hands.

“Why is he here at this hour?”

“I don’t know.” You gasp when he wraps his hand around your neck and applies pressure, making it difficult for you to breathe. “B/N, please…”

“You’ll regret cheating on me,” he murmurs softly before his hand connects with your cheek in a hard slap.

💀💀💀💀💀

PART FOUR

tag list:

@princesssterek @derangedcupcake @furiouscopshepherduniversity @crucifixedbitch @holl2712 @sweet--catrastrophe @marvelsmylife @brittjulianne97

[erratic-brainrot]

7, 13, & 18 for the sp asks!

7) Question: Favourite Adult and why?

Answer:

This is tricky since I actually adore a good handful of the adults. Some for canonical reasons, but the majority slipping into headcanons that I do believe fit but are purely for myself.

I would say that Thomas Tucker is definitely my favourite male parent, as he is a genuinely kind husband, trying father, and willing to be empathetic towards his son and review his own very personalized beliefs to accept his kid. He kinda makes me think of my own father for all the good reasons. And honestly? He’s the least toxic and sexists of the male figures (which I know is mostly for writing concepts and stuff. Haha jokes) but I still appreciate it a lot for him.

The worst he’s done in actual character moments of not being super responsive to Craig being in a fight (which I don’t think was that bad. He seems like indifferent with relatability. Like he’s just like “ah okay cool son. Beat his ass up”, and possibly being on a porn or whatever site during the troll arch like the majority of the male adults. And I believe he might’ve been semi homophobic in the boys Gay al camp ep but I honestly can’t remember atm. But compared to the average adult in South Park? Mother fucker is a king.

Not to mention his good moments. Being highly supportive of his wife during the bush ep— never shaming her once, the whole arch for tweek x Craig because OOOF HE HIT ME IN THE FEELINGS, and I love his little bottle ship shit- very cute. Like he’s not even on a lot but every time I see him I’m just like, “What a king”, esp since I’ve falling in deep love with the HC of all the Tuckers being ASD.

I simply just think he’s an amazing father. And it makes me sad (though I completely understand, different perspectives and creative liberties) when people make him abusive— since I’m like, “He’s literally one of the better Dads of South Park,” esp when I play into all my headcanons. Pov Thomas Tucker accidentally becomes adoptive father to some mentally ill blond kids (if you wish to know feel free to message me, I could go on)

Next, I would say my favourite female adult is easily Sheila. She’s is simply a try hard Mom to me who shows actual care about her kids. I genuinely love seeing her! Canonically? She’s very funny, has an amazing singing/speaking voice, is often shown as really supportive and has very “cute mommy moments” with her kids, she’s very hyper emotional and has such passion for people, she’s not depicted as remotely catty, she doesn’t care violently about blood ties (Ike is her baby above most), milf, she is written repeatedly to be insecure, and like Kyle— she can get carried away but genuinely has strong morals rooted in compassion (even if at times she’s misguided). Due to her having more screen time it’s a bit harder to write in depth about Sheila without going on for days and dividing headcanon spaces. I just love her a lot and Kyle is shown to genuinely not fear her, like a lot of kids with their parents in show for, and just appreciate her a lot.

(Honourable mentions? Carol Mccormick. Based on headcanons implied from the show about her being a caring Mom with loads of trauma- but believing unlike certain other parents/mothers she is doing it as a survivalist- and I genuinely have fallen in love with Carol Mccormick because of headcanons someone please help me/hj)

13) Favourite Ship? Tell us why?

Answer:

Ughhh I have so many it’s hard. I think my all time favourites since the very beginning have been Stendyle and Bunny (also Shelly x Kevin but they’re special ✨✨✨)

So, STENDYLE, one of my main bitches because I’m so desperate for poly ships. Basically, I adore this ship because—

A) I love all the characters in it

B) I adore the ships divided from the poly, kyendy, style, stendy. All good ships with kyendy actually being my favourite of the bunch. But I find that them being poly enhances a lot of features.

C) the ship simply has so many vibes of healthy communication, sporty geeks, playful banter, balancing acts of Stan having to bring Wendy and Kyle back to earth at times— followed by Wendy and Stan needing to explain things to Stan to bring him back to a level sense too, they are all very insecure when to “how they’re viewed” personality speaking, all of them have different issues in regards to their sense of “ego” but because it’s related to the “ego” there is relatability, group cuddling, a complete removal of the Stan arch in stories of “pick, Wendy or Kyle!” That I think is kinda lame even if I get. Poly is simply superior in my head lol.

Next, Bunny, this ship is a lot more specific in a way because it’s rooted in basic concepts of what I adore.

A) inherent hurt and comfort

B) both are insanely emotional artistic people, who tend to be “used” (aka not respected as people and often there to fill in a service of some kind) by others, and both having easy senses of humour

C) again, i adore both characters on their own.

Bunny is more to this than that, but at the end of the day those are the main two reasons why I like this ship. It’s not hyper complicated if I want to find the root.

18) describe an episode you’d like to see.

Answer:

This is a bit harder because I know what episodes I would like to see, but are unrealistic in any capacity for the show to do because it’s not focus on bigger ideas and concepts. Like no matter how much I want, I’m not getting an episode of Kenny expressing how used he feels by his friends, nor an episode about Shelly’s impact of obviously not being the fav kid and her literally canonical trauma related to boys she’s dated. And Ngl honestly, for a canonical episode of South Park, I don’t want that. Well, at least in the way I would write that or that being the inherent focus.

South Park, at the end of the day is suppose to be a comedic culturally Introspective show. It talks about pop cultural and the American social climate. So me just wanting character episodes, though possible— shouldn’t just be the focus. It’s not how South Park should work, that’s a fandoms job haha.

So, if I had to pick an episode. I would honestly adore an episode talking avoid the developing online culture— through it might be difficult because honest to god it’s always changing and a lot of the creators are insanely older and the platforms aren’t really for them.

However, I remember like five years ago me and my friend just randomly making an episode concept off the top of our head about like dumb shit like E-boys, soft boy, etc as an A Plot of online conformity for the sake of likes— and likely kyle having to question this. It’s not a new concept since people change themselves for fame all the time— but it does bring questions in how easy it is to be distorted. How fast opinions change based on popular concepts despite grounding, and the removal of genuine vs performative.

With our B plot actually being a minor creek arch, talking about the fetishiation once again on gay people. The demand to see and not respecting concepts of privacy. I can’t remember it super well but I know I liked it since it was stressed on how people use this Sortve shit for brownie points despite how dehumanizing it actually is. And even reference how little sites care about actual damages snd willing to promote literal hate speech than fix problems.

The concept was over all very fruity and kinda niche, so idk if it would work esp as an old concept. But I like those Sortve ideas.

I think it would be really interesting for them to talk about the online space now in similar ways, focus on the impact it has to the general. Fake activism, radicalization, more misinformation- stuff they have semi talked about before but aim more for the specific— esp in a post covid world. Shit is so insane.

So yeah. Sorry if this was poorly explained but I hoped you liked it anyways!

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 10

A/N- Another update??? What is going on??! hope you all enjoy this part 💕 Please like/share/reblog.

Within days of being back home from our weekend at Chris's the lockdown was announced and I spent a day packing up some of mine and Masons belongings that we might need while staying with Chris. While i was feeling very nervous about having to spend this time with Chris, Mason was over the moon! He was so excited that we had to go stay with Chris and Dodger.

Chris arrived early with Scott and they loaded our things into Chris's car.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Scott said happily.

"Are you staying at Chris's too?"

"I am!"

"Oh god that means you're gonna be trying to get me drunk!"

"Well duh!" He laughed shrugging like it should have been a given.

"God help me you two are gonna be trouble" Chris said shaking his head as he helped Mason into his carseat.

"You knew what you were getting yourself into".

While Chris and Scott started bickering i turned and saw Brian coming out of his house, he stood and watched us and then started to walk towards us.

"Oh shit.... quick lets go, Brians coming over!"

"This guy!" Chris said through gritted teeth shaking his head and looking a little pissed off.

"Morning neighbour!" Brian called out, i turned and gave a quick wave.

"You and Mason leaving?"

"Yep, we're gonna ride this out with family" i nodded and felt Chris wrap his arm around my waist and pull me closer to him.

"Come on sweetheart we should go"

"Yeah sure, take care Brian"

"Wait, you look so familiar...." Brian suddenly said looking more closely at Chris "where have i seen you before?"

"I just have one of those faces, i get that a lot" Chris shrugged casually opening my door for me.

"Yeah maybe..... hey Y/N, i was thinking after this lockdown is over maybe you and i can get dinner...."

Was he serious right now??

"Dude really??!....." Chris snapped looking at Brian shaking his head.

"What?"

Chris closed my door and stood towering over Brian as they exchanged words i could no longer hear. Chris was soon strutting round to the driver side of the car while Brian stood there looking pissed. I turned to look at Chris as he got into the car, he was fuming. He started the car and pulled away onto the road, his grip on the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked him quietly.

"I will be knowing you and Mason are away from that creep"

"What did you say to him?"

"We'll talk about it later, i don't want Mace to hear"

"Okay, but can you please try and calm down....."

"Im Fine"

"Tell your face that, plus you're kinda white knuckling the steering wheel there....."

"Sorry.... sorry. Im fine really...." he loosened his grip and gave me a tight lipped smile.

"Always so protective" Scott chuckled from the back seat earning him a glare in the rear view mirror.

"Scott i swear to god...."

"Come on boys behave, this lockdown hasn't even started yet and you're bickering"

"You sure you don't wanna go stay with Ma....." Chris muttered at Scott making us all laugh.

The first week of lockdown quickly passed, there was no news on when the lockdown would let up so we were all just enjoying our time together.....It was just like old times. I called my mom and Hannah everyday just to check in and have some female conversation but other than that it was just me and the Evan's boys in our little quarantine bubble.

I was in the kitchen making breakfast when Chris walked in sporting a new haircut..... the buzzcut was back!

"Wow...... you've shaved your hair...."

"Yeah" he run his hand over his head blushing a little "fancied a change, its been a long time since i can just cut my hair when i want"

"Right, Marvel owned it before"

"No...."

"You know i'm right" i shrugged "i always did like the buzzcut look though"

"Yeah i remember....." he smirked.

"Morning family!" Scott said loudly walking into the kitchen "What happened to your hair??"

"Fancied a change, plus now i haven't gotta worry about my hair everyday"

"You know that actually sounds kinda smart..... have you seen my bed head??"

"Kinda hard to miss Scotty" i snickered behind my hand looking at his hair that was sticking up left, right and centre.

"Maybe i should do it too"

"And me!" Mason said smiling big at us "i want hair like dads too!"

"Oh my god Chris what have you started..."

"Sorry...."

"No its fine, its only hair. It'll grow back right.... i guess now is as good a time as any for a haircut".

After breakfast Chris took Mason for his hair cut while i showered and dressed for the day. The next time i saw them all three were sporting buzzcuts and i had to admit it was very cute!

"Let me get a photo of you three, this is just too cute to pass up" i smiled grabbing my phone. I snapped a few photo's and forwarded them to Chris and Scott before setting one as my lock screen and slipping my phone back into my pocket.

"Oh my god i love this.... i'm gonna get this blown up and framed on my wall" Chris smiled looking at the photo.

"Let me get one of you three" Scott jumped up and pulled me towards the sofa where Chris and Mason still sat.

"Oh.... we dont have to do that....."

"Come on, it'll be nice to have at least one photo of the three of us" Chris said looking up at me with those damn ocean eyes of his that always made me week.

"Okay, sure" i nodded taking the seat next to Mason.

"Move in a bit closer....." Scott said trying to get us all in frame, we both leaned in closer to Mason and smiled while Scott took the photo.

"Oh i'm good..... this is great you guys" Scott said before both our phones were receiving photo's from Scott. I couldn't help the smile on my face when i saw how lovely the photo had come out.

"Okay you did good, i love this"

"This ones going up too by the way" Chris looked at me with a huge smile.

"You don't have to do that...."

"You kidding me? I want to"

"Fair enough, its your house. I just don't think your girlfriend will appreciate it much".

"Okay..... who wants lunch??" Scott asked loudly interrupting, it had suddenly got a bit awkward at the mention of Lindsey so i just got up quickly and followed Scott into the kitchen.

Once Mason was in bed for the night the alcohol came out. We watched some old movie (that Chris found hilarious) played some card games which somehow led to childish drinking games and before we knew it we were all pretty wasted!

"Right you guys i'm going to bed, i physically can not drink anymore" Scott said getting to his feet and stumbling making Chris and I laugh.

"Dude you're such a lightweight" Chris rolled his eyes at his brother.

"Shut up. Goodnight.... love you both"

"Night Scotty, love you" i smiled up at him from where i was laying on sofa.

"Night bro, love ya".

Chris and I sat in silence for a few minutes, just the sounds on the TV playing in the background.

"You want another beer?" He asked getting up from the armchair he had been occupying all night.

"Sure, i'll have one more before bed".

While Chris went to grab the beers i sat and reached for my phone to make sure i hadn't missed any messages from my mom or Hannah. There was a photo from Hannah that made me laugh just as Chris walked back in with the beers.

"Hannah just sent me this photo..." i said to him turning my phone to show him a photo of Lucas who now had a buzzcut.

"Haha! Oh god i really started something didn't i?" He laughed looking a bit guilty.

"I sent her a photo of Mason's new haircut earlier, she said Lucas wouldn't shut up about wanting the same.... looks like he got his way"

"You gotta admit it looks cute though?"

"Yeah okay i'll give you that. Mason is like your little mini me, even more so than usual"

"He’s just missing the beard"

"I think we've still got some time until that happens" i laughed "you definitely have strong genes Evans.....that boy literally inherited none of my looks"

"No but he's got your attitude and sass"

"Hey!"

"Im kidding.... mostly"

"Ass" i muttered shaking my head at him before taking a mouthful of my beer.

"He might look like me but his personality is all you sweetheart... he's an amazing kid"

"Yeah he is, id be lost without him"

"I kinda love having you both here" Chris added avoiding eye contact with me.

"Its been nice, just remember its not permanent...."

"I know, i know" he nodded quickly "you know when i came in and saw you laughing at your phone, my first thought was that it might've been Derek.... i hate that guy and i don't even know him" he scoffed "how sad is that?"

"Chris....."

"I know, its none of my business who you date or whatever"

"You're right it is none of your business. But just for the record, there's nothing going on with Derek, we were gonna go for dinner before this lockdown stuff but i haven't spoken to him since"

"Oh...."

"Can i ask you something?" I turned to face him, he looked up and nodded finally looking at me.

"Why isn't Lindsey here?"

"What?...."

"Why isn't Lindsey staying with you? I mean you guys are obviously serious if you came looking for that divorce but she isn't here....."

Chris looked away again coughing to clear his throat.... was he nervous??

"Lindsey isn't here because i ended it"

"What?... when?"

"When i found out i had a son. When i saw you again and realised anything i thought i felt for her was a lie"

"Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No. Im just being honest. Y/N, i know i fucked up when i ended things with us.... it was the biggest mistake of my life and i regret it everyday.... but i never stopped loving you. Not for one god damn second...."

I suddenly felt very sober, my heart pounding in my chest.

“You’re just saying this because you’ve had too much to drink...” i muttered shaking my head.

“You’re probably right, doesn’t mean its not true. Ive just been keeping it to myself” Chris suddenly got up and came to sit next me taking hold of my hand “i know my timings sucks but i just needed you to know..... and i just need to know if there is any chance at all that you’d give me another chance.....”

“Chris i really don’t think now is a good time to talk about this.... we’ve both had too much to drink..... if you’re serious about this i think we need to have this conversation sober”

“But you’re willing to have that conversation?”

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow” i nodded pulling my hand free and standing up “i’m gonna go to bed.... goodnight”.

I had to put some distance between us before i did something id regret in the morning.

It was safe to say i wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina

@mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

@jakiki94 @torntaltos @buchanansebba

[maskeraith]

big eldar scrolls on line post about what i thought about it

may have some spoilers for the morrowind storyline and sidequests idk also I am inevitably gonna compare it to ffxiv a lot as it’s the only other mmorpg I’ve played good luck

Writing this after finishing writing the rest wow this got too long there is a tldr though haha

so the first thing I will say is that eso’s overworld exploration and sidequesting blows ffxiv away completely, there is so much to do and fun to be had in eso simply by exploring around! the enemies feel cool to fight, there are delves and solo dungeons to just stumble across with quests in there, skill points just lying around if you look hard enough, gathering spots that you can just gather from without having to be a specific profession or something, WORLD bosses that you need a group to battle just OUT there it’s really cool! Ffxiv does have some really beautiful environments but in terms of actual stuff to do, there’s literally just fates and they’re pretty shit to be honest, and i guess the sightseeing log??

and sidequests! all my time in the game was spent in the morrowind area (vvardenfall I think? my eso lore is zero watch out) and every sidequest I did had a really engaging storyline. They do mostly amount to fetch quests and slay monster quests in terms of gameplay with some puzzle moments sometimes, but the storylines were captivating enough to justify most of what you had to do. compared to ffxiv which is BLOATED with boring fetch quests with uninteresting storylines eso has it figured out. the characters you meet and their dialogue is great and sometimes you can even make choices which affect the final outcome of the quest which is always fun (your character having the personality of a brick aside). I actually think I enjoyed certain sidequests more than the main story of morrowind they’re that involved

Also there are world events but I didn’t really get into them, there was like a huge tornado which spawned some enemies that give you massive exp, but my horsey was too slow and I only got there at the tail end because they’re great for farming so every player in the world goes there and kills them instantly they seem cool though

in terms of lore, I’m not someone who is super interested in the lore of the elder scrolls universe but I found myself learning a whole lot of very crazy stuff from the friends I was playing with who DO know all about it, and I will say that if the lore of the elder scrolls universe interests you in any way you’ll love this game! so I learned that there are Eras in this universe, and eso takes place in the second era I believe. The other main series games all take place in the third or fourth I think, so eso is able to like set the groundwork for those games and explain the history behind stuff going on in all the main games, which I think is a really good idea, perfect for fans of the lore and stuff. Like I remember the funny talking dog from skyrim and he’s like the primary antagonist of the morrowind main story like woah

The combat is where I think the game started to fall off for me, again with the ffxiv comparison but it just wasn’t reaching levels nearly as interesting as the combat in that game for me.

Firstly, there’s no tab targetting (unless there’s a setting in the menu somewhere i missed?) you actually aim all your attacks, single target, aoe, whatever. for me this made it harder to be able to gain a situational awareness, and I have to keep my camera aimed at the boss and I’m not able to move it around to see if there was anything else going on. I do see how aiming your attacks could actually make the game more appealing to some people, though, as it does give a sense that you are more actively participating in the battle and not just standing there pressing buttons, but for me this sort of thing doesn’t make any difference

The second thing was the amount of abilities you have at any one time - you have 10 abilities and 2 ultimates slotted at any one time. Five and one ult are active at a time, and you have to swap weapons (it’s as easy as the press of a button) to switch to your second bar with the other 5 and 1 ult. This does make the game a lot more accessible I think, but it also means the stuff you get to do is just gonna be a lot more straightforward and spammy compared to the interesting and involved rotations you get in ffxiv. as a tank, I set myself up to put three dots and a debuff on the enemy and then spam my one damaging attack, until I had to reapply the stuff again, and that was basically it. I had some tank cooldowns too like a shield, heal, a grab and so on. I did look up the Most Complicated Rotation to see how hard it could get, which seemed to be stamina nightblade, and even that has “Ability x11″ or something in its rotation

Simple rotations would be fine for me if the bosses themselves were more difficult or complicated to compensate, but honestly nothing was any more difficult or involved than ffxiv. On youtube I’ve watched like 5 dungeons and a trial on the hardest Veteran difficulty, and the dungeons don’t look like anything more than what you would get in other mmos. The trials looks like really great content honestly, but there’s no party finder for them as far as I know so you have to manually gather 11 other people which is never something I enjoy trying to do in multiplayer games lol

i also didn’t super appreciate that the game wanted to like hide a bunch of info from me by default? like a few hours in I complained that it was impossible to know when my dots and self buffs ran out because all I had was like little particle effects on the enemy/myself to go off, and my friends were like “oh yeah you need to turn on these tooltips in the options” like huh?? I need to know this stuff come on

There is some really cool stuff in the combat though! Every player has like a basic bash attack, which can interrupt certain attacks, and then a basic heavy attack, which can knock down staggered enemies (they get staggered if you interrupt them) so there is more to do than just your abilities.

One thing I will mention though, is that I think a huge part of the combat is resource management - you spend stamina/mana on your abilities and if you’re not careful it’s easy to run out. As a tank, blocking takes up stamina, and sometimes I would not manage it correctly and run out and be unable to use my anything for a bit. You get it back by doing heavy attacks (contrary to every game ever) and other like passives unique to whatever build you might have going on. A lot of the game’s difficulty in harder content might come from this, but I didn’t get that deep into any of that sort of thing

I think the way you pick your abilities is really cool - you level up a whole bunch of different skill trees at a time, and you can slot any ability from any tree at any time (other than weapon skills specifically, you must be weilding that weapon) into your 10 slots. Your class has three unique trees, then there’s like a tree for every weapon type, for mage and fighter’s guild, this weird guild called the undaunted, werewolf and vampire, probably more I forgot about. All of them have 5 skills that you unlock as you level that tree, and all of those skills can be morphed into one of two “strong” versions of that skill once you level that specific skill. So there is a huge amount of player choice in how you build your character! I remember getting loads of advice from my friends but also just thinking to myself “but this skill though...” (i am so sorry). There are loads of passives too but they’re kind of lame and you just sort of put your excess skill points in them to make yourself passively stronger. I am sure there are Optimal builds, but playing casually you can literally just do anything

I do think levelling them can sometimes be a pain though because like, if you want the fifth ability in Skill Tree 1 but you don’t really use any of the first four, well actually you do have to start using a bunch of those skills you don’t want because you gain more exp for that skill tree the more of its skills you use, sort of a minor thing I guess

Finally I will talk about how I really do not like the execution of the loot system... So you get armour sets in this game and if you wear 5 of them you get a very significant passive, like whenever you crit you summon a big ghoul to shoot acid, or all of your aoe abilities also taunt. I think this is a super cool idea in theory, and it allows for even further personal customisation of the kind of character you want to play. However..

So the max level is 50, but the real max level is like 180 or something because at 50, you continue to level up but each level just gives you a point to put into these big huge bonus passive skill trees which continue to increase your stats up to the 180th point or something like that. In eso, though, you can go anywhere and do anything and all the enemies are scaled to you. But, it’s actually that you are scaled to the enemies - while below level 50, you get an invisible buff that makes you as strong as a level 50 character. This means that every level you gain, you actually get slightly weaker, if you’re not updating your armour.

Armour drops at whatever level you are, up to the cap of 180 where you are the strongest you can be. So ultimately what this means is every piece of armour you get up until you reach the level cap will quickly become obsolete. Every time I collected 5 pieces of a set and got a cool passive, all I could think was “this will be fun for about 4 levels” because I knew I’d need to swap it all out for stronger stuff. Essentially I felt locked out of seriously farming for the gear sets I wanted until I reached Max Max level, which made everything I collected seem pretty pointless to me.

Also, always being as strong as a level 50 character did kind of make it feel like I wasn’t really levelling up at all? It’s why I broke my rule of “I will get to level 50 before stopping” because I actually was level 50 all along, I got all the abilities from my skill trees that I wanted and ran a bunch of dungeons with them and I was in the 30s, but there were no other skills I could really see myself swapping out so I was essentially “max level”, as far as I was concerned.

so yeah tl;dr these are my two main opinions:

This game is an awesome time running around and exploring the environment, doing quests and running dungeons! If you’re a fan of the elder scrolls world and lore it is absolutely a must play!

Customising your character’s skills and armour sets is a lot of fun, but I do think it comes at the expense of not having a really finely tuned, coherant combat style, it feels a lot like I’m Just Hitting All The Buttons.

The end lol

[maniacalmagician]

EVERHOOD: Pinocchio in Psychedelic Purgatory: the Rock Opera Adventure. OR: I walked backwards into hell, and felt euphoria as I became privvy to the Divine Truths

Hello tumblr people. I’ve been Away. I played a game recently and I wanted to talk about it.   damnit i really wanted to put pictures into this mini essay. ive been away from this garbage site for too long, i dont know how to do it lol.  ok anyway    First, I want to say to the developers and anyone else that this has quickly become one of my all time favorite games. Currently writing I have personally never felt a greater emotional attachment to an experience with a piece of software. Perhaps it is the extreme idiosyncratic nature of it, perhaps it is the deeply intriguing storyline, mostly however it is a combination of those in addition to some of the most outstanding psychedelic visuals I have ever seen, particularly in the finale sequence, and a killer soundtrack that combines many genres but focuses mostly to being as bangers as possible. I will be upfront and say this game comes with a boatload of trigger warnings, and thus the aforementioned idiosyncratic nature of it may not appeal to everyone, however I feel it necessary to indicate potential content warnings here as I would hate for people to be triggered: epilepsy is the big one, I myself have mild stutter based epilepsy and it didn't cause health problems or anything but my case is not universal. Anyway. That is a hard warning on epilepsy. I do it because The Incredibles 2 did not, lmao (that's an example of the kind of visuals that trigger me personally. An aside ) Other things include (spoilers): arachnophobia, misophonia (screeches, unsettling sounds), themes of death, immortality, suicide. Some game mechanics are not immediately intuitive and puzzles require some pretty clever but sometimes obtuse solutions. Direction is not always super clear either. People have complained of performance issues but I am leaving this review after playing the switch port, which played smoothly other than some awkwardly long loading times here and there. What I have played of PC so far runs smooth but as of writing, performance for me was fine (my pc is a lowend budget build). There is a difficulty to it. Even playing on easier modes, it can be quite unforgiving. If you're a fan of hard games (I am but I suck at them) and rhythm games (this is, uh, Not? That? Almost functions as half walking sim, half rhythm Game, dodgy shoot em up kinda feels. Truly unique gameplay I think. Constantly switches things up, too. But yes I also adore rhythm games, and yes i also do suck at those too.), half of it is that. The devs troll you with puzzles. It's truly a wild experience as it advertises, one of a kind. And yet, however.... This game wears, much like its heart,, its references, on its sleeve. If you are not into that kind of thing, you will probably be annoyed by this game. It also loves to delv into meta, as many puzzles and interactions are references to the UI of the game itself. Personally, I'm not wild about meta but I appreciate the ernestness here, so I'm willing to roll with whatever this game throws at me because every turn feels unexpected, fresh, funky, somber, and wildly intelligent, with boldly sincere ludonarrative choices, script and art direction. If you like Geno from super Mario Brothers, which, guess what, narrator here LOVES Geno from Super Mario Brothers, this is functionally the game you've always wanted that Nintendo could never make because Square has held Geno hostage in some kind of underground torture facility since 1995. Turns out they were rather right to do so, because when that puppet is out serving a higher authroity, he can be quite dangerous. Narrarively it borrows much from its sources but I would argue there's proof the writers have spent time thinking about the implications of their source materials worlds, and that reflection casts itself back to create this, experience that is wholly unique even if we know Red is Geno and "Gaster" (who was based on Uboa from Yume Nikki or princess mononokes forest spirits), and some kind of disco Marceline character who changes their identity frequently, skeleton brothers- well undead brothers, really - We have to remember in the creation and consumption of media sometimes, influences and archetypes are ever present and Everhood almost itself is a realm that would indulge in the idea of self referential material. It makes for this very Jungian experience of friendly archetypes we're familiar with, which works well with this setting of an immortal realm. Thats not to say the personalities we do meet aren't expounded upon - they are, heavily, and become uniquely their own. (Spoiler) if my theory is to be believed this world is a purgatory where people have made their own artificial vessels and as time has made them bored (though some seem to be having a good time) while typical strains of the Pinocchio myth are thrown in about questions of identity and death - and probably even more so towards Timothy Learys concept of the Ego Death, or the return to the collective soup of unconcious being. Undertale will probably always be a reccomendation even by its own reference to it so comparisons to it will be littered through here. It feels like the developers were emboldened by Toby Foxs spirit in game development (his creative energy is rather infectious) and shared many similar ideas, but this feels far more aimed towards a maturer audience (references to the things I mentioned in the trigger warning list) and focused on achieving this feeling that its predecesors have as well. Yume nikki. Lisa. Earthbound. Toby's games. super Mario rpg in its humor, Cat Soup in its psychedellic depressive vibes, all this cool indie cult classicy kinda mash up soup.  bizarre antics and then these characters who have surprising depth the further you go. It has been 6 years since Undertale came out, and the developers for Everhood have called a lot of the "what ifs" that fans of that game ask, an answer in their own game. (What if No Mercy was forced, for example? What if going against destiny is the wrong thing to do? Why is Death such a Bad Thing? etc!) And the further along you progress, the smarter the story gets, the more complex the narrative threads and characters. This game knows how to write compelling literature and that wasn't an element I expecting but god am I so glad for it. Literally my pea brain saw Red's design flipping around some frets on a streamers videocapture (shoutout to based fellow tampa native Charles White, thank you for being witty and having good taste and your Floridian comisery.) one night and went "oh i like." But the experience I got in exchange was, so, so much more than that (but the tetris effect won't let that image disappear from my eyelids quite yet haha.) I hear there are multiple endings and one requires a 3 hour long trek. I'm not done with the game at the time of reviewing. You bet your sweet ass I am going to find out the Ultimate Truth. I found a way to deal with some of the bullshit in other games, I may not be great at games but I want to see whatever imagery these guys put on screen so it compels me to seek out all the alternative routes. I am going to be following these developers projects very closely. If this is their debut, their next project will be ... ... I would hate to force expectations, like if you just made a magnum opus like this it'd be perfectly alright to retire, but I just once again want to say thank you to the developers for putting your heart on display for the world to see. I see it. I have dealt with struggles similar to the ones in the stories this game articulates about anxiety and depression, existentialism and dread, dissociation and all the heavy themes that were risky to include narratively - I'm certaintly glad you took the risks you did. May update this review as I get further along the story but yeah. Tl;dr: haha pinocchio myth done well make brain go brrr. 9.99999999999998/10. I am taking an infitisimal fraction of a point off because of the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ spider in the monster maze. that thing was abhorrent, but I won't let it deter anyone else who wants to play.

[sapphic-sasuke]

Wanna Know a Writer

Tagged by @dualfuel (thank you for tagging me!!)

How many works do you have on AO3?

So far, only two—but I have a lot of WIPs I plan to release.

What is your total word count for AO3?

86,830 words.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Hmm so I’ve written for the MCU once two years ago. I had a Wangxian fic written once that I never finished haha. Also a few Kiribaku oneshots around three years ago. I actually took a break from writing for two years because I lost my passion for it and returned to it last year November. Now, I only write for Naruto. And i guess the tone of my stories have changed a lot too? I used to like focusing more on relationships (not only romantic, just relationships in general). Now I like to focus on the dynamics, character motivations and how the setting influences them.

Do you respond to comments, why/why not?

I do respond to comments, sometimes it takes me a while to reply but I always make sure to respond to comments even if it’s a short comment like “I really love this” or a simple <3. I want to showcase my appreciation for my readers taking the time out of their day to comment on my story. So if someone sends me a really long comment, I’ll send an equally long comment back hahaha I find it fun.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Definitely forgottten melodies. I give the story quite an open ending however it’s implied that Sasuke’s struggles aren’t over yet. It’s mostly the sense of loneliness? He’s truly alone, he’s at the very lowest point in his life but he knows he can’t give up now; so he keeps fighting, keeps trying to bring justice to his family no matter how tired and devastated he feels.

Do you write crossovers?

No but I love to read them. I think crossovers require a certain amount of creativity that I just... don’t possess.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No actually. I know it’s a possibility but I don’t think the hate would demotivate me much as well.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge no. I don’t think my stories are well known enough for that to even happen haha

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, I’d love that though.

Whats your all time favourite ship?

No idea. If you asked me this two years I’d immediately have an answer ready but honestly? I’ve lost most of my interest in ships.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I have loads of fic ideas. Not actual abandoned WIPs. I don’t ever properly start something I think I won’t finish. If I try hard enough, or even if I scrap the idea and start from scratch, I’ll get it finished. Personally, it’s a waste of time, especially when I already have a long project I’m devoting most of my writing time to. And I hate wasting my time since I’m so bad at managing it haha.

What are your writing strengths?

I’m told that my readers enjoy the character’s inner perspective, seeing their thoughts and motivations so clearly. So I think a strength of mine is crafting the inner mind of my character properly. Especially for a character like Sasuke who often internalises his thoughts. My description has also improved a lot recently. Which I’m very proud of because it used to be quite a weakness of mine.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Definitely the pacing. It’s something I’m working on and hoping has improved but pacing was an issue. And also time management. I’m only able to write a lot when I force myself to, it’s very bad. I have no writing schedule.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fics?

It’s okay. I personally would never do it. Sometimes it’s nice to see. But it can also be annoying when there’s no translation even in the notes. Like I’ll have to go on google translate to find out what the character was saying and sometimes google translate is very bad. It’s nothing I’m against though.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Ahahaha this is so embarrassing. I was 12 and I wrote a taehyung x reader fic. Honest to god I don’t even remember the plot of the fic. I just knew it was called “deception” and I thought that was a cool word. It was on wattpad and it got ... like 100 reads so 🔥 I think I remember somebody was analysing my fic and just criticising it heavily saying my plot doesn’t make sense and I remember feeling annoyed like ??? leave me alone I’m just having fun☹️

If you wanna know the first ever fanfiction I read.. I was 10 and it was a sasuke x reader fic on quotev called “tutor me” where sasuke was the popular guy in high school and reader was nerdy and getting bullied. I loved that shit. I remember he used to eat tomatoes raw in that fic. Sasuke is so hardcore.

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

I’m satisfied most with forgotten melodies as looking for forgiveness is a work in progress. I don’t have a favourite. I love them all the same.

[mari-vargas]

Ok so I’m sitting waiting for my car to get an oil change (yes…the alert popped up Monday afternoon…just a day after my whole tire adventure), and since I just told this story yet again recently (to my tow truck driver on Sunday) I figured I’d share one of my “when it rains it pours” stories about my car. This is the story I mentioned in the teaser/reminder post, about my car transmission.

So I was headed home from university for winter break one year, and I had my two cats and a friend from high school that wound up eventually following me to university. Wow I just realized how much I’d love to tell the story about this friend of mine, but it’s a whole thing in and of itself so I’ll get into that another time…maybe soon so I’ll make a bit more sense…idk it’ll be fine I’m sure.

Anyways, we lived about an eight and a half hour drive away from our university. We were about an hour and a half to two hours in to our drive, in an area looking just like any other on the main stretch of the journey and I had no clue where precisely I was. All of a sudden, my car started making a weird noise. I’m not even sure I can describe it, but I absolutely will still recognize it to this day and am terrified of hearing it. When my tire was about to blow out it started making a similar noise and it’s only because it was missing the next few things to happen that I didn’t freak out as bad as the first time my battery died. ANYWAYS after it started making a sort of…clunking sound, it started revving (which I will be perfectly honest, happens sometimes with my car especially going at higher speeds with resistance like air or a slight incline or a slight decline), but the next two things were especially weird. The needle on my rpm meter started hard swinging back and forth like a pendulum on a grandfather clock even though I was keeping a steady pressure on my accelerator…and then my acceleration started rapidly declining.

I was in the far left lane of a three lane section of the freeway, and I was rapidly decelerating without any idea why or any ability to get myself to go faster. Also couldn’t find my hazard lights because it wasn’t in the same place as the car I had learned in. Anyways…somehow, miraculously, and with an awful lot of anger on other drivers parts (mostly towards the end because I was freaking out and didn’t just stop) I managed to get all the way over before the next exit, exited, waited at a light to turn left like an absolute dummy, and very very slowly made it into the parking lot of some sort of mall or shopping center thing. Where I then parked, and proceeded to freak the heck out. My friend was freaking out too and honestly I think I had more knowledge about what to do than he did, which considering the near white out panic I was in for at least a moment there is kinda saying something. I didn’t know what was wrong with my car. I tried to compare it to things I’d seen happen and just…didn’t know. My gas was full, the battery seemed to be working, tires all fine of course (don’t even remember if I’d even thought about tires at the time). All I knew was that my car had stopped accelerating at all. Maybe there was something wrong with my accelerator? I just didn’t know. It was out of my depth for what I knew how to deal with.

I started messaging everyone—texting because autocorrect could carry me through the worst of my hands shaking, fingers slipping, and eyes blurring which were all getting in the way of my ability to call anybody. I remember talking a lot with my sister, and a bit with my dad, probably even my mom at some point (who would’ve had a significantly leveler head and some more info than my dad). My sister meanwhile was talking and relaying information back and forth with my niece’s dad who was a mechanic at several points before and during the time we knew him (honestly don’t know if he currently was or wasn’t at that exact time but knowledge and skill like his doesn’t just go away). But whatever I’m amongst all that my sister was also the first to remind me about the AAA our grandma has gotten for all of her grandkids as soon as they start driving (yes, same grandma I travel with all the time. Makes sense, no? Always glad she’s able to do that for the five us).

So I call AAA and my friend is on the phone talking with his mom. My dad, knowing I could get a tow up to 100mi, sends me the address for a steak house exactly 100mi from the shopping center I was in (and had a decent sized parking lot for trucks). Tow truck pulls up, finds out I actually really am aiming for the full 100mi, calls his boss to get clearance for the long distance tow rather than the in town tow he was told he was cleared for because he didn’t want to pass us off to someone else since I guess he was sorta attached to making sure we got through this after hearing probably a full blown spiel from me, gets the OK and loads up my little red spark which I had cracked the windows of for my cats. We all hop into the cab of the truck and he goes and gasses up and as we’re pulling out of the truck gas station, I realize where I am. My car had died just past the exit I usually would stop for coffee at. Needless to say I was a bit superstitious after that and always stopped at that coffee shop either direction after that, whether I needed coffee or not.

So he tows us to the steak house a hundred miles away and it’s dark and the tow truck driver is concerned about leaving us in the middle of nowhere but I reassured him that I have someone with a car trailer on their way already. In case you’re wondering, that would be my sister’s coparent (here on referred to as B) with mechanic experience who would also fix up friends’ cars on the side and even had a couple of project cars.

So yeah we’re waiting there my cats are fine, frustrated over not being done with being in a car yet but seemingly understanding something unusual and out of my control had happened. It’s dark and around late dinner time. There’s a chain restaurant of some kind across the way, so my friend and I walk over there to get some dinner. Before that though, we had a talk because well…we’re wandering around in the dark. Now my friend, he’s tall like super tall and has a face that would at least warn away casual glances. However. He cannot throw a punch or literally defend himself in just about any way whatsoever. Me on the other hand, I unfortunately look like easy pickings. But I can throw a punch and otherwise escape an attacker and potentially help others get away too. So we had an agreement. He’d be there looking big and tough and warning away people, but if anything actually happened I’d be the one throwing fists and feet and getting us out.

I mean, we were fine. Got our food, got back to the car, no problem. But fact remains we had to have that conversation. Anyways it was another 2-4 hours before B showed up with the trailer. But show up eventually he did and he got us loaded up and into his truck (with my cats WITH me this time) and we hit the road, dropping my friend off with his mom at around 0100 and I finally made it home about half an hour after. He left my car on his trailer to get in the morning to take to the dealership.

So the dealership takes a look at it and says “well the transmission is completely dead, good news it’s still covered under the factory warranty.” It took a good while to be replaced but it was and again it was all on warranty.

Now I said “when it rains it pours”.

I could’ve just meant it was something major, out of nowhere right? But no…unfortunately, no. This was the winter break I’d been volunteering at that museum (have I mentioned this before? Eh….) and since I didn’t have my car I borrowed my mom’s. When I finally got my car back, we decided to keep having me use my mom’s car because I’d had to register it with security so they’d know not to charge me for parking. So my car sat in the driveway for the next…let’s say two weeks before I had to head back to university (again with my friend and cats in tow).

So it’s now I think the day before I leave and my dad takes my car to the grocery store and to gas it up for me while I’m working. Only…it doesn’t start. Or gives him problems or something I don’t even know the specifics. B can’t look at it before I have to leave, so we decide to just have my mom and I swap until spring. B came over maybe halfway through my drive and found a rodent nest in the engine compartment (rabbit or rat, we’re not entirely sure). Abandoned, but it looked like they’d chewed through some wires and other connectors to make room for their home. B got it taped together just enough for it to be taken back to the dealership to be properly fixed. It was.

BUT THEN (oh you thought it was over? Haha eh… almost)

It’s not quite spring break yet so my mom and I still have each other’s cars. My mom went to turn the key (on or off I honestly don’t know) and it broke. It was apparently a bit of an adventure for her involving at least three different shops but she got it replaced.

My little red car was running beautifully by the time I got it back 🤣

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #333

“imaginary chain  /  the one you never break  /  seething all alone”

Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah, I'm pretty open about what I'm afraid of. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What class in high school did you struggle with the most? I honestly don't remember with certainty, but it was probably math or economics. At least, I think econ was my senior year. What could you talk about for hours? Mark, meerkats, a few game franchises... maybe a couple more topics. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I wouldn't know. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah, but I don't have many games on there and rarely touch the ones I do. Do you like gaming? I do, but not as much as I did for most of my life. I mostly just play WoW now, and even that I'm not that into anymore. Part of it though comes from not buying any new games that I'm interested in because 1.) no money and 2.) no proper console, and you can only replay games so many times before you're just... yeah, done. Do you like reading books? Some days. Do you like religion? All things considered? No. Do you like Grand Theft Auto V? Y'know, growing up, I actually liked watching my younger neighbor play one of those games, but I don't remember which. Though he never actually "played" it... just ran around wreaking havoc, lol. I do however think GTAV was the one that Jason and Jacob started playing together when we moved into the apartment, and I thought the story was okay; I don't think they ever got far into it, though. Definitely wasn't Jason's sort of game, and I don't think it was too much up Jacob's alley, either. Can you twerk? I haven't tried and you will never see me try either, lmao. Do you have a Spotify account? Yes, but I almost never use it. If the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing them back? Yes. If your best friend of the opposite sex tried to kiss you, would you start kissing them back? No. Have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? Yes, because of how badly she hurt him. I don't have any negative feelings towards her now, though. We're actually friends, haha. The irony. Are you an easy lay? What weird wording. But whatever, quite the polar opposite actually. When’s the last time you said you were sorry? A few days ago. Are there any songs you listen to everyday? No. Would you like living on the coast? As someone who lives in a state hit by hurricanes usually every year and has seen the incredible damage they usually bring to the coast, no. I don't like the smell or gritty feel of salty air, either. When’s the last time you were really late to something? No idea. That's usually not a problem with me. Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? The last person I actually stopped like-liking would be Girt, and that would be because I just came to the realization I saw him too much as my brother instead of boyfriend. It just always felt awkward. Do you still talk to that person? Yeah, we're good. No hard feelings or anything between us. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. Do you trust easily? Fuck no. I'll be cautious, at least to some degree, about new people for a while. What is the last song to make you cry? Since I've actually behaved and not listened to any trigger songs, it's been a long while, but it was probably "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Last person you hung up on? I'm sure some automated message. I barely ever answer the phone to numbers I don't recognize, though. Where was your last car ride to and from? To Wal-Mart w/ Mom to pick up our order and then back home. Next big outing? *shrug* Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? Not really, no. Considering I'm by far my most authentic self online, I actually tend to appreciate virtual friends more, if I'm being honest. I try to keep up with those people. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? Not really, no. I think I saw Warcraft the day it came into theaters, though. Do movies often make you cry? What kind of films/scenes make you tear up most? Yep. Tragic romance tends to do it the most, I think. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have one to track my menstrual cycle as well as another that tracks my daily caloric intake, but I'm bad at using it because it's tedious if I actually have to measure something. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? Ummm if you mean like, in general, probably my mom's. But this most certainly depends on the subject I'm taking feedback on. What is something society "expects" you to do that you don't want to do and/or don't plan on doing? Shaving my legs came to mind first. Granted, I will if there is almost any chance of someone seeing them, but otherwise, I just don't care. We respect women with body hair on this account and see them as no less feminine. Are you interested in architecture? Is there any particular style that you're drawn to? I think it's cool, yeah. I should have an answer for this, given architecture was a massive focus in Art History the last time I was in school... Roman architecture comes to my head first, if that says anything. What was one of your favorite things from the nineties? BOY OH BOY, SO MUCH!! I'm probably gonna say the toys. There was some dope shit, man. Do you collect things pertaining to an animal? ANYTHING and EVERYTHING featuring a meerkat!!!!! :''') Do you wish that people were kinder to spiders? Well, yes. I hope everyone in their heart wishes this, even if they're afraid of them. They're very important to our ecosystem, and none are out there to harm us; their existence does us a favor. Where do you normally order pizza from? Domino's (my favorite) or LIttle Caesar's for the price. Did your parents keep anything of yours from when you were a baby? Oh yes, loads of stuff that's stored away somewhere. Do you own one of those "____ For Dummies" books? No, but I feel like we had one at some point? What was the last VHS tape that you watched? Yikes, who knows. Did you watch Boy Meets World back in the day? I actually didn't, no. Our old neighbor though loved it so much that she named her daughter Tapanga (deliberately spelled that way). Who is your favorite Scooby Doo character? I never really had one. Maybe Thelma. If I were to give you a coloring book, what would you want its theme to be? Animals. Have you ever won a stuffed animal at a carnival? Possibly a small one. I can tell you I did however accidentally stab the guy who ran the dart-throwing booth though, lmfao. He was obviously fine, and it wasn't a bad wound. I felt SOOOOOO bad. Are you a fan of narwhals? I'm a fan of any animal. Narwhals are definitely fascinating creatures. Grape or orange soda? Orange. Grape-flavored soda ain't my thing. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so painstakingly boring and repetitive. Did you have a favorite Disney movie as a child? It was and still is The Lion King. Do you or have you ever owned a portable gaming console? Yeah, a GameBoy Advance and Nintendo DS. Is shyness cute? It definitely can be. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning before? No. Do you like to gossip, or do you prefer to keep your mouth shut? I'm not a gossip fan. Have you ever vandalized someone else’s property before? Most definitely not. Are your parents divorced? Yes. Have you ever been under suicide watch for 72 hours in a psychiatric ward? Yes; at least here, that's protocol when you're admitted for suicidal thoughts/tendencies. Have you ever gone through your significant other’s phone or social media accounts, or do you respect their privacy? Absolutely not. That shit pisses me off so badly. Do you wear any sort of clothing for religious reasons? No. What's something you worked extremely hard to get? My sanity back. Sounds so dramatic, but I'm literally not kidding. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I remember. How many kids do you want to have? I don't want kids, but to entertain the question, when I did, I wanted three. It's fuckin wild to imagine for even a second that I once wanted that. Do you believe that being gay is a sin? *eye roll* Are you any good at photography? If so, what’s your specialty? I mean it with modesty, but I think I'm pretty good. My favorite thing to photograph are animals, but I generally take most pictures of people by request or pay. Judging by my deviantART account, my nature pics definitely get the most attention. Have you ever been a member of a gang before? Fuckin yikes, no. An infamous gang tried breaking into my childhood home once, so you can probably gather that I would never take part in their "big bad guys" bullshit. Have you ever felt like you were neither male nor female? No, I'm comfortable as a cisgender female. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? NO. Anything with raisins = NO. Do you think you’re attractive? No. Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? No, not that I really passed notes to begin with. I'd be mortified, regardless of what it was about. Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? Arctic. Do you have an older brother? Yes. He's technically my half-brother, but I don't see "half"s. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. Are your collarbones prominent? Bitch I wish so I could get the damn dermal piercings I've wanted for years. Have you ever in your life worn overalls? As a kid, yeah. So ugly. Do you love yourself? It's... weird. Therapy is making me realize that a part of me, maybe even the bigger one, doesn't, but at the exact same time, I know I have worth just like every other human. I just don't treat myself like I do. What TV shows do you keep up with? None, until Meerkat Manor returns this summer. :') When’s the last time it snowed where you live? A couple months ago we got a little bit of it. Is your belly button pierced? No, but it would be if I was actually skinny. Just in my personal opinion, I don't at all think that that piercing would look nice on someone as overweight as me. Even if my damn dreams come true and I lose all the weight I want, my stomach will never look "normal," even after I get the excess skin removal surgery that will be very high on my priority list for my own self-image that's been nothing but loathsome since 2016. What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is the obvious answer. What do you remember the most about your childhood? Lots of imagination. Parents arguing. Playing with my little sister. What age did you get your first hair cut? I have no idea. Do you have a favourite toy from childhood still? No. I wish I hadn't gotten rid of it. Have you ever made bread? No. Would you ever consider shaving your head? Nah. Would you like to live in a realm where the zombie apocalypse is possible? Who says we don't now? Zombifying parasites already exist among insects and such, so like... it's not unimaginable to one day see one developed enough to infect humans. I sure as fuck hope not, but. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have a dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I did this many, many months ago, but I guess watch an episode of The Witcher by my own volition. I don't really do spontaneous things with how routine I am, but I had a random urge to check it out one morning. How loud can you whistle? Not very loud at all. Does anything on your body hurt or itch right now? My knees really hurt. They're getting worse. When was the last time you built a sandcastle? There's noooo telling, it's been many years. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? No. Well, not a *real* one, anyway. Just the little ones for kids. If you had to appear on a game show, which one would you choose? Family Feud. What is your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Food: Are you adventurous or do you stick to what you know? I absolutely stick to what I know. I am SO picky. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? I'm not immediately sure, but there's probably something. Do you bump into things often? Yes. I've always had this weird habit of like... drifting when I walk, so I do this easily. I just kinda wander to the sides a bit without realizing it. What design is on your calendar this year? I don't have a current one. Did you enjoy playing Hop Scotch when you were younger? I did. Do you feel uncomfortable going to the movies by yourself? Nah, not really. I did that with Warcraft and it was actually pretty chill. When thinking about your dream home, what do you think would be your favorite thing to shop for? The ~g o t h i c~ decor. Do you ever listen to those lo-fi hip hop/study music playlists on YouTube/Spotify? No. Are you likelier to work harder if you’re being paid? If not, what drives you to give your best effort? I mean, yeah. I'd assume that's pretty normal. Does the fashion sense of a potential partner matter to you? No. Is there anything that you prefer to write down rather than type? I'm unsure. If you download/torrent things, do you remember the first thing you ever torrented? Oh, the Limewire days of music pirating... but no, I don't remember. What was the last thing you posted on Instagram? Something photography-related, but I don't feel like checking. What do you wish your hair looked like? I wish I could pull off pastel pink hair rn. It also desperately needs a trim. Do you still feel anything for the first person you fell in love with? I'm sure I always will, at least a little. Do you get any magazines in the mail? No. Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? Uhhhhh have I? I don't think so. Who’d you last see in a tux? Probably the groom of the last wedding I shot. Do you record any TV shows and watch them later? No, but I used to do that big time because I loved "rewatching" stuff when I was on the computer. Out of everyone you know, who was the most heart? My mother, big time. Who’s the bravest person you know? Also my mother. Or Sara. What profession do you admire the most? Teachers might just win. The patience that must take, among so many other things. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? No.

[pyrewriter]

Fortress Coast

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Eliksni Name pronunciation: Vralych (V-rawl-eesh) 

After witnessing the awakening of the Great Machine we scurried into light Skiff and pushed it to the brink of engine failure. I nearly crashed the shuttle on approach as I reversed thrust sharply stopping just short of the ground and hovered. A crew of Dregs hastily wheeled their equipment toward the shuttle, with the docking tethers in place I cut the engines completely. Dropping the remaining few feet our Skiff settled into the cradle of the tethers with a wobble. I came barreling out so fast that I landed flat on the ground before scrambling to my feet and sprinting through the open area that acted as an airfield.

Making my way onto the Ketch I made for the bridge where I was certain Ogethres would be, he was standing, waiting when I entered. I kneeled at the base of the steps leading to his seat "My Arkon, bring urgent information, apologies, intrusion" I blabbed through heavy breaths. 

"Was informed of arrival, look excited, why?" he questioned, sounding concerned.

I couldn't help but smile beneath my helmet, "Great Machine, it has Awakened my Arkon, risen destroyed red leader, enemy scatters" I clicked, adding almost triumphantly "I have witnessed".

Ogethres looked down at me with a serious look, for one to claim they have witnessed the actions of the Great Machine can be dangerous, "Ellrimksyt, certain of what witnessed?". As I was about to reassert my claim the crew that had accompanied me to on my mission strode onto the bridge and kneeled beside me, one carried the black box of our Skiff. They vouched for me and I did the same for them. Presenting the black box I allowed them to explain, I had not thought to bring the recorded data. 

Upon viewing the recording in private to confirm our claims Ogehtres became ecstatic with joy. He saw fit for the one who brought him the proof to be brought up from Dreg but such a ceremony would have to wait. News of the awakening of the Great Machine was an event that needed to be spread to our people. I watched as my Arkon and uncle raced off the bridge excitedly like a sprog when they hear the feeding servitor enter the chamber. Giving chase I was barely able to keep him in view ,for a time, but the difference in our strides was too great. 

Leaned against a corridor wall I was trying to catch my breath when the ship announcement system activated with a whine. "System wide broadcast, to all Eliksni, Great Machine awakens, destroyed leader of red clad enemy, repeat Great Machine LIVES! visual data stream follows" it said. I remember the sound of resounding cheers loud enough to be heard throughout the Ketch at the news but they were quickly quelled. "The Great Machine may grace Eliksni again, until then we continue to survive" Ogethres added before the system shut down with another high pitched whine. Joy and invigoration still hung in the air however despite the sobering reminder that.

Such happiness was short lived as hours after returning to our water backed encampment the sky was once again filled with red. The roar of automated anti-air batteries opening fire started at the same time emergency reports of mass enemy movement came in. I scrambled to my feet and sprinted for the living quarters to grab my weapons before making my way outside, joining my brother and father along the way. Outside we were not met by the chaos and bloodshed I had expected ,no, everyone was simply standing, staring upward into the sky. Joining in the collective upward stare the sky was filled with red.

The roar subsided as the cannons powered down, the red foe that had only just had it's leader killed after being unmatched for so long was running scared. A wave of relief and disdain washed over me ,the former leaving a foul taste in my mouth, the ones that plagued this planet for months fled so easily. Shuttles both large and small filled the sky with red as they retreated. Retreat was unheard of but the strangest part was the speed at which they fled en masse and simply ran like sprog seeing a servitor for the first time. It was good to know that the guild was far safer now that the grand majority of our greatest foe other than risen was gone. 

Celebrations were held throughout the night with similar reports of large groups of red enemy presence either lessening greatly or disappearing entirely coming in across the system. During the festivities Ogethres took the chance to raise the crew who witnessed the awakening of the Great Machine from Dregs to Marauders. During the ascension I recognized one of them and took note of their name ,Vralych, they were quick and clearly loyal. 

A well deserved thanks was in order, were it not for them retrieving the data recorder and vouching for me I would have put my uncle in a difficult situation. Luckily I was able to show my appreciation by calling in a favor with some forgers I protected during the exodus. A higher than normal quality shock dagger with the young Marauders name engraved into its hilt. Such an item would cost me some extra salvage and glimmer but for having foresight where I had failed it was a worthy token of appreciation.

The morning following the celebrations scouting parities were sent to areas previously occupied by our red enemy. It took a number of days to thoroughly scout and clear the small fortresses within the area designated by our Arkon. Salvage crews tailed us as we scouted and cleared to ensure that neither risen nor red foe would have a chance to claim anything before us. Most emplacements were completely abandoned or nearly so with what appeared to be skeleton crews being left behind. Dispatching them swiftly proved to the best call as large explosives were found throughout emplacements manned by these crews. 

Removing the explosives that were already set was too dangerous, luckily the easy to put together nature of the architecture made removing the charges trivial. Disposing of said charges was the fun part for Brykis and myself and an excellent teaching moment for younger scouts assigned to Pyrrhaks. Detonation was done at a safe distance with a Wire Rifle shot from behind the safety of a tree or rock. The concussive wave hit like a solid slap from uncle but the fireball that rose into the sky was satisfying to watch. 

Once our scouting party had finished our sector of the salvage zone Pyrrhaks called for a Skiff to take the younger scouts to sectors that had yet to be cleared. Brykis and myself were permitted to peruse the rather small emplacement while we waited for Salvage crews to arrive. The two of us were adept salvagers however and unless explicitly told otherwise we rarely leave the Ketch without at least some of our tools. Due to the nature of this particular instance however father let us to bring all of them. We didn't know anything about the tech or inner working of the architecture of these red giants that had plagued us. So of course we set to work and immediately drenched ourselves in the black sticky ooze that ran through walls as we cut into a large line of the stuff. By the time the tailing salvage crew had arrived most of the walls and fortifications were sorted and stacked in piles waiting to be picked up. 

Unsurprisingly they laughed when they saw us "Haha, found thick fluid hard way, don't need clean salvage at least, you drain most it seems" the crew Captain chortled. The arriving crew helped dismantle the last of the emplacement before loading what they could fit onto their Skiff and heading off. It took an extra two salvage Skiffs to finish picking everything up, we hitched a ride back to the Ketch with the last ones to arrive. Pyrrhaks sent us to get decontaminated the moment he saw but we were met with his embrace afterward. 

Ogethres had the foresight to plan past simply salvaging what the enemy had left behind, the assembly of the walls were simple in design but extraordinarily sturdy. Crews were granted a few days break before engineers and all available extra hands were put to work erecting a wall to border our main point of operation near the Ketches. Without ruins to fortify or caves to burrow deeper into our presence was hard to miss and not easily defended. If a coordinated attack from the risen be launched against us we would most likely perish in the ensuing battle as we had no were else to go should we retreat. With the more immediate threat of the red enemy gone our guild could finally and safely begin construction of more permanent living. Everyone had been living on Ketches and Skiffs up until now. 

Reassembly of the salvaged wall was swift but the sheer size and length caused the work to take a number of days. I was not part of the wall crew but with it's completion came our new task of settlement construction which I was assigned to. No pre-existing structures or caves presented a problem but we lacked the capability to create the latter. Creativity was our greatest ally thankfully when indecisiveness halted our progress. During a meeting to decide the best course of action one of the other Barons suggested that we use the coast and build beneath the water. 

There was a moment of silence before hesitant clicking and chattering filled the air, murmurings of uncertainty mostly. Eyes fell to two Captains at one end of the hologram displaying the surrounding geography. They stared into the spinning projection ,thought filling their eyes, looking at each other then back to the others both Captains nodded with different levels of confidence. I heard a slight grumble emanate from father that caught uncles ear, "Objection, Pyrrhaks?" Ogethres trilled.

"None, my Arkon" Pyrrhaks chirped with surprise.

Ogethres's eyes then shifted to me "Young Ellrimksyt" he said with an inquisitive tone "you engineer, tell, what think of submerging?". I stepped forward and peered into the hologram and through it saw my uncle's eyes, their gentle glow reminding me that I was among the guild and was welcome to speak in earnest. Eliksni built in nearly every kind of condition but submerging a permanent structure in liquid was unheard of as far as I knew. 

It wasn't impossible however "Build submerged not impossible, require tight seals, little mistake room". The architecture of our settlements was designed to be adaptable and withstand extremes but even it still has limits on how much it can take. "Dangerous if build deep, pressure causes collapse, horizontal difficult to build, need reachable for maintenance". After voicing my concerns and opinions I received a subtle pat from one of Pyrrhaks's sub arms as the others began to discuss plans. When all present had come to an agreement it was decided that all we could manage would be built hidden beneath the water.

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[purplesurveys]

969

What is your least favourite thing about your full name? I don’t know if it’s right to say I have a least favorite thing about it. At this point in my life I’ve gotten over complaining about anything about my name and I’ve ended up liking it, actually.

How good is your grammar? My fluency in both English and Filipino is pretty much perfect. Kinda called for when it comes to communications graduates, haha. But yeah I grew up speaking Filipino and then learned English through media, school, and my English-speaking friends, so my exposure has always been balanced.

Do you like the age you are? Idk I feel like age loses its significance when you’re like 20. < Yeah, same. The last age I got excited about was 20, but turning 22 this year felt a little boring and not just because I had to celebrate at home. I’m imagining it would be the same for 23, 24, 26, 27, etc and that I’ll only look forward to milestone years now, like those that end in 5 or 0.

Music. It’s amazing. Do you agree? It’s great, but I’m not as attached to music as most people are. It’s hard for me to get into new acts and I mostly stick to the artists and albums I’ve listened for years. Music can also sometimes be too emotional for me, so most of the time I prefer flocking to content that will entertain me when I’m sad, like sitcoms or YouTube videos.

What’s your favourite kind of poptart? I’ve mentioned this before but only like, five flavors ever get shipped to the Philippines. My favorite is chocolate fudge, but I’m sure I would have other favorites if we were able to have their whole flavor roster.

Do you like sunglasses? I don’t really care for them. They look nice and there are certainly a lot of cute and classy sunglasses designs out there, but ultimately I don’t like how it impairs my vision. No matter how bright it is where I am, I tend to not feel comfortable when everything I see has a black or brown tint to them. 

Do you think dreams can give us insight to things? I don’t know if it can give insights, but I believe that your general emotions and life experiences can have a hand in what dreams you end up having. In my case, whenever something is currently heavily troubling me I always, always end up dreaming about them.

Have any cheesy kids songs memorized? Depends on what you mean by cheesy kid’s songs. I don’t actually know what that refers to.

Besides your computer, what else is cluttering your desk? A Tupperware with peanut brittle, another Tupperware with a half-eaten brookie, two notebooks, my copy of Midnight Sun, my phone charger, a nearly-empty glass of water, and my night light.

Why is your worst enemy your worst? I don’t have an enemy...haven’t had one since, like, grade school.

What does your dad do? He’s an executive sous chef at a luxury liner. But his company and the nature of his work is obviously one of the most affected by Covid, so he hasn’t been in his workplace since February and it’s impossible to tell when he’ll be needed again.

How late do you usually stay up? During weekdays, I’m in bed by 9 or 10 PM. Work is exhausting most days. But on the weekends, I’m able to stay up til midnight or even a few hours beyond that.

The political spectrum. Where do you fall? The more radical side of the left.

Do those commercials from the ASPCA make you cry? They’re a US-based org so no I haven’t, but their ads probably do have the ability to make me cry.

When was the last time you visited a nail salon? I remember going inside a nail salon with Gabie in like 2017? 2018? because she had been trying to get me interested in pampering sessions for myself haha. I never saw the appeal though and if I remember correctly that was the only time I ever found myself inside of a nail salon.

What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? My breakfast yesterday. I just used the bread to wrap a hotdog. 

If you had to eat one type (Chinese, etc.) of food which would it be? I would have absolutely no problem eating Indian food for the rest of my life. Their spices, the curries, breads, chutney, samosas, paneer? *chef’s kiss*

Enough about food. Have you used Wikipedia for a school report? I used Wikipedia all the time but use the sources on the bottom of the page. It was so easy to go around the whole “don’t use Wikipedia for research” when the sources cited in Wikipedia articles are always subject to strict review by the site’s moderators to ensure their credibility lol.

What is your favourite glass to drink from? I love my mom’s Starbucks mug. I use it all the time when she isn’t home.

When did your family immigrate to wherever you live now? We’ve never migrated, even though my mom had always wanted us to. If we pushed through with it, we most likely would have landed in either the US or Canada.

What does your room look like when you sleep? Completely dark. I also like keeping my windows open and my blinds partially open, because the cold air at night feels nice.

What tabs are open on your computer? The window I’m currently on is pretty loaded actually. There are six Tumblr tabs, 12 Bzoink tabs, two tabs on Google search, and one Wikipedia tab.

Are your fingers long, or short? They’re rather long. 

Reality TV: Love it, or hate it? OMG hahah I like most of them, but I can’t stand dating shows. As a demi, I just could never relate to the idea of casual dating and dating shows have always been super boring to me. I can binge most of the other reality TV shows though, especially cooking ones and KUWTK.

What time is it in the country you get the most of your heritage from? Welp, that’s a creative way to put it. 6:47 PM.

Do you use a top sheet? My current bedsheet doesn’t come with one but I do have other bedsheets with top sheets that I routinely change to.

How often do you engage in illegal behaviour? It comes up every now and then but it’s nothing more than illegally downloading books and movies lol.

Who is your favourite comedian? I’m not big on comedians but I came across Sindhu Vee’s stand-up comedy on Facebook a month ago and she’s sooooooo fucking hilarious. Jokes about extreme Asian parenting will never get old for me. I definitely wish more of her acts were available online.

Do people say you have an accent? Sometimes I’ll get compliments for being able to speak in English well, but idk about accents.

Could you tell me what the capital of Bosnia is without looking it up? Nope. I wouldn’t even be able to point at its general region on a map. Soz.

AOL: Do you use it? No.

Do you find Family Guy’s cutaway scenes funny, or annoying? I generally find cutaway scenes funny. I’m sure I would find Family Guy’s funny as well, considering I’ve enjoyed their humor styles in the past.

What colours are on your current shirt? Brown.

How many children do you want/have? Two.

Would you rather live in this decade, the 1960’s, or the 1910’s? 1910s. The very limited women’s rights and social issues of the time would be sucky to witness, but I’m still interested to see how different life was back then whether in terms of technology, how different my city used to look, or whatever.

Pepsi vs. Coke? Neither.

Do you think you look good with a hat on? Sure, I like hats :)

[lovemesomesurveys]

What did you realize yesterday? Hmm. Nothing comes to mind.

Who was the last person to drive you somewhere? My mom drove me to my doctor appointment a couple weeks ago and to pickup takeout and Starbucks afterwards.

Do you want someone you can’t have? I don’t want anyone.

When was the last time you cried? Last night.

When was the last time you totally broke down? About a month ago.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Nothing really at this exact moment. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? It’s been a few years now, but yes.

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a L? Nope.

What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? I’ll be in bed attempting sleep.

This time last year were you happier then or now? I was still going through my shit, but at least this time last year I had a Disneyland trip coming up to look forward to. 

Are you angry with someone right now? No.

Do you get stressed easily? Very.

Do you have any problems? Doesn’t everyone? If not, I have a load of them if anyone wants any.

Do you have any plans for the weekend? Nope.

Be honest; name of the last person to text you? It was my mom.

Have you told anybody you loved them today? No.

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color? Well, my roots are quite overgrown now cause it’s almost been a year since I last got it colored, but there’s still the red as well. Has anyone ever broken your heart? Yes.

Do you want to see somebody right now? Nah.

Have you been under the influence in the past 24 hours? No.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? The hotel bed last year on my vacation.

What color hair did you have when you entered high school the first time? I had my natural hair color with blonde highlights. 

Did the last person you kiss have piercings? Nope.

Is there a certain eye color you are drawn to on the opposite sex? I think blue and green are really pretty.

What is the closest thing to you that is red? The bag of Walkers shortbread cookies near me.

Will you be seeing your ex any time soon? Nope. I haven’t seen or talked to him in like 6 years now and have no plans to.

Have you talked about marriage with another person? No.

Do you remember who you liked this time 3 years ago? I didn’t like anyone 3 years ago.

Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Yes.

Do you think you’ll make a good parent? I don’t want to be a parent.

Do you think you’ll make a good husband / wife? I don’t see myself ever getting married.

In order to fall asleep, do you need the conditions to be perfect? I need my fans on, my pillows propped up just right, my blanket, the TV on, and listening to ASMR until I feel sleepy enough to attempt going to sleep. I usually end up falling asleep with my headphones on. 

If so, what conditions need to be met in order for you to fall asleep? ^^^

Do you get excited or annoyed when the phone rings? I never get excited when the phone rings. I’m only annoyed when it’s a scam call or my doctor’s office calling with like the 5th appointment reminder call. 

Do you prefer writing poems or stories? I used to love writing short stories when I was 13.

Do you have a Tumblr account? (If so, what is the URL?) ...

Were you ever in Boy / Girl Scouts? I was.

Is there anybody you're really jealous of? Jealous? No. I experience envy more.

What were your grades like in high school? A’s and B’s.

Do you prefer to be monogamous, or are you more a casual dater or swinger? I’m into monogamy. 

Have you ever had a crush on more than one person at once? Do you now? I have, yes. I don’t currently.

Are you a happy person? No. Describe your hair. It’s up in its usual messy bun and in serious need of a dye job.

How bad is your temper? It takes a lot to make me angry. I get irritated and frustrated easily, but anger takes a lot.

Who is your favorite relative? I don’t choose favorites like that, but I am closest to my mom and younger brother.

Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? The receptionist at my doctor’s office to cancel an appointment. They keep taking it upon themselves to schedule me an appointment for this procedure they insist I have done for some reason (that I think is completely unnecessary) and it’s like, uh you can’t just schedule an appointment for me and then call to tell me about it a couple days before. I need to make arrangements and plan ahead first of all, but also I just really don’t want to do this procedure. It bugs me that they’re being so pushy about it and now scheduling the appointment for me, like no. I’m just worried I’m going to end up having to do it because they’ll take away my medication or something if I don’t, I don’t know. It’s just ridiculous.

Ever kissed in the rain? No. As cheesy as it is, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? No. 

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? Nope.

What were you wearing when you last kissed someone? I don’t remember, that was 8 years ago.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you yesterday? My mom brought me breakfast from one of my favorite places to get breakfast from and a Starbucks. That’s the only time I don’t mind be woken up, haha.

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing? It’s black and has the Mario Bros and the rest of the gang on it.

How many kids do you want? Zero.

Did you speak to your father today? Not yet, it’s only 5 in the morning. 

Could you see yourself with someone forever? It’s hard to imagine myself with someone at all to be honest. 

Have you ever broken someones heart? My first ex said I did.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Like 3ish. :/ 

[t-lostinworlds]

In My Blood (Shawn Mendes) [1]

Originally Written: July 16, 2018 | Edited: July 2, 2019

A/N: As you can see by the title, yes, it’s sorta kinda inspired by the song but not entirely lol. This was supposed to be one part only but it’s gotten soooo long so I split it in two. Also haven’t finished rewriting yet haha. And yeah, wrote this almost a year ago and just now had the courage to edit. Anyway, hope you enjoy! x

Summary: As Shawn’s anxiety gets worse you - his life long best friend - is the only person who could help him, just as always. But when he caught his girlfriend cheating, everything just came spiraling down.

Warnings: Angst like loads and Typos like a few maybe

Word Count: 5.6k+

Masterlist in Bio 

-:-:-:-:-

Tired.

Shawn is tired.

He's tired of his own mind filling him up with emotions that he shouldn't be feeling. He's tired of the constant worrying of how people are going to accept him for who he truly is as a person and as an artist, thinking about if people are going to stay with him in the long run. He's tired of feeling anxious about the choices he's going to make, not wanting to ruin the image the world has laid on his shoulders, tired of feeling overwhelmed with the pressure his family, his friends and his fans are giving him, thinking if he was doing enough, if he was good enough.

Shawn is so tired of everything, and sometimes he feels like he is tired of living.

He was sat on the floor of his hotel room, back pressed against the foot of his bed as he stared straight at nothing with tears brimming in his eyes, struggling to keep his breathing steady. Is it possible for a person to feel so many emotions all at once but feel numb at the same time? Because at the moment, his heart is breaking into pieces but his brain is just blank, empty and dark.

Shawn closed his eyes as he took a deep, sharp breath before reaching for his phone, and with shaky hands, quickly dialed her number knowing that when he has episodes like this, there's only one person who can help, and he really needs her right now.

His heartbeat grew faster every time her phone rings, picking up the pace even more the longer she takes to pick up, am I enough for her too?

He was about to hang up and just forget it, not wanting to make himself a burden to her, but before he could pull the phone away, she's already answered.

"Hello there rockstar."

Shawn heaved a huge sigh of relief as her voice hits his hers, the familiar, comforting sound bringing him back to the surface, calming him in the fastest way possible.

"Hi." He whispered as he tried his best to stop his voice from cracking. She knows him too well, and she will definitely know if he's not okay even in the slight change of tone in his voice, they were close that way.

"What's up Shawn? Is everything alright?"

He bit his bottom lip to stop it from trembling, looking up at the ceiling as he blinked back the tears, "Nothing, just really needed to hear your voice." Shawn heard her sigh on the other line, and he can already picture the worry painting on her beautiful face.

"Shawn, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Shawn shook his head as he drew his bottom lip between his teeth to stop it from trembling, his heart aching as his mind played darker games. He knows that hiding something from her is nearly impossible to do, she can see right through him like he's transparent in some way. As he said, she knows him too well like the back of her hand, and lying to her would be useless, but still, Shawn tried. "Yeah, I just miss you, that's all."

"I miss you too but I know you're lying Shawn, please tell me what's bothering you."

Shawn closed his eyes as he felt a tear roll down his cheek, a soft, almost inaudible sob escaping his lips, and this made her worry even more.

"Shawn?" She called out gently, the concern in her voice so evident that it wasn't that hard to picture her frown, a face full of concern as she speaks on the other line. Shawn tried to fight his tears but still ended up losing as another one slipped out of his eyes, then followed by another, then another and the next thing he knew, he was crying continuously.

"I'm right here Shawn, you know you can tell me anything right?" Her voice was soft and gentle, not forceful in anyway at all, and this is why Shawn always feels so comfortable talking to her, because no matter what, she was never one to judge.

"I'm fine, I just–" Shawn's voice broke as he tried to start to explain to her why he's acting this way, but she stayed quiet, silently urging him to continue.

"I'm just so worked up with everything. I'm getting all wrapped up with all this emotions and I can't take it anymore. I'm getting so tired of the pressure that this career is giving me and I'm like constantly thinking carefully about everything I do just so I can't disappoint anyone. I'm scared of being myself fully because what if no one will like the real me? What if my fans are seeing me as a different person? Painting me into this picture-perfect prince, and when I show my true personality, I'm not the person they expect me to be? I don't want to disappoint them; I don't want to disappoint anyone. The expectations are so high and I don't know if I can live with myself if I don't live up with those expectations. And I'm so tired of feeling so insecure. I'm so scared of not being enough. Fuck, I'm sorry; I'm just all over the place. I can't even explain everything to you properly. I just– I can't take it anymore (Y/N). My mind is consuming me slowly and I'm so fucking tired of it." Shawn ran a frustrated hand through his hair as he let out a broken sob as soon as he finished. The sound he emitted in itself so heart wrenching that she can feel it deep in her chest even if she's miles away.

Shawn can almost imagine her frown deepening on the other line as a soft sigh escaped her lips and he felt slightly guilty for bringing her into this, but he knows she'd scold him if he tells her that, knows that no matter what the cause, she'll always be there for him and she's always made sure he remembered that.

"Shawn, listen to me okay? You are more than enough. You make me, your family and your true friends very very happy and proud. You are an inspiration to millions of people all over the world. And if there are aliens, I'm sure they've already heard of you and are amazed at how talented you are." Shawn shook his head with a light chuckle at her statement, a small smile creeping up his lips as he wiped his tears with the sleeves of his shirt, staying silent as he waited for her to continue.

"You are amazing, and whatever you do with you career or in life, I will be there to support you no matter what. Don't be too hard on yourself okay? You are an incredible person Shawn. Don't think too much about what people will think, just be yourself and the world will accept you for who you truly are, because you are incredible, the real you is incredible. That's why your fans love you so much Shawn, because you are already so genuine, and an honest, down-to-earth person. You don't let the fame get to you and you make everyone feel that you're not above anyone no matter how popular you are, and that's amazing Shawn, you are amazing. You are the strongest and bravest person I know and you can get through this, always. And whatever problem you face in life, just remember that your family and I will always be here by your side no matter the odds. You keep that in mind okay?" She stated firmly, but in the sweetest way she could possibly do, her voice radiating pure honesty and this made Shawn's heart grow ten times its size, a feeling of pure warmth spreading in his chest at her words.

"What would I do without you?" Shawn breathed out, voice filled with so much gratitude as he slowly calms down, taking all that she said in, fresh set of tears brimming in his eyes but with a completely different reason this time.

"Hey, we're not best friends for nothing." She replied casually and weirdly enough, Shawn felt a little pang in his chest as she said that. He doesn't know really know why–or maybe he does–because (Y/N) and him have been friends for as long as he can remember and it was nothing more than that.

She has always been there for him since the beginning and he is so grateful for that because without her, he wouldn't have stayed sane for this long. Being constantly exposed to the public eye is never an easy life and sometimes, everything can get very overwhelming, so it's always good to have someone to remind you that everything is going to be alright, that everything is going to get better. Sure he has his family and friends, but that person for him has mostly been (Y/N).

She's never failed to remind him where he came from and that he should always keep his feet on the ground. She doesn't let him forget that he is only human and it is okay to make mistakes from time to time, because that's what makes us normal. She has always been his rock, his shoulder to cry on whenever things get out of hand, to sum it all up she's just absolutely amazing in general.

She's such an amazing woman and anyone would be so lucky to have her. And of course, Shawn wanted to have something more with her but he pushed those feelings aside, scared that confessing to her would ruin their friendship, and thinking that she's far way out of his league. An incredible, amazing girl like her doesn't deserve someone with a chaotic lifestyle like his.

And let's just say he got occupied by other girls too. Plus, he's in a relationship at the moment. It's just not right to think about having feelings for his best friend, not right to think about another when he already has someone. And he's over his feelings since so long ago, well, at least he likes to think he has.

"Hello? Earth to Shawn Mendes?" Her voice snapped him out of his thoughts and brought him back to reality, him completely forgetting that he was still on the phone as his mind wandered off to the same person he was talking to. "Sorry, got lost in thought. You were saying?"

"You feel better now?" She asked again with a light giggle. "Yeah, thanks to you." Shawn smiled, for real this time and this earned a sweet 'Awww' from her, making him chuckle.

"Always, Shawn. But now tell me, what triggered this again?" Shawn sighed but didn't bother to answer since no matter what he says, (Y/N) will always know the truth even if he'll explain it to her lightly on what, or rather who caused his attack.

"Let me guess, its Madison again isn't it?" Shawn sighed again making (Y/N) let out an annoying groan on the other line. "Quit sighing Shawn and answer the damn question."

Shawn couldn't help but laugh, already picturing her rolling her eyes at him like she does most of the time. Shawn blew out his cheeks as he stared up at the ceiling, counting a few seconds before answering her damn question. "I mean yeah, kind of."

"What happened?"

"We just had a fight, it's no big deal." Shawn tried to brush it off, but knowing his best friend, she's not going to let it go that easily. "It's a big deal Shawn if you called me in the middle of the night."

Shawn frowned, glancing at the clock and sure enough it would be thirty pass two in the morning back in Toronto. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry I woke you up."

"It's fine dork, when I say you can call me any time, I truly mean it." Shawn's heart melted at that, feeling so thankful to have her in his life.

"But I didn't wake up for you not to tell me the full story Shawn. So, seriously what happened this time?" Shawn ran his hand through his hair with a sigh. There was no getting out of this. If he doesn't tell her the truth and just dance around the topic, then she will most likely get the truth herself, because knowing (Y/N), she would fly out all the way from Toronto to pester it out of him sooner rather than later.

"Well, we went out and ate at this restaurant just how normal couples would, then she excused herself to go to the bathroom so I took my phone out for the mean time. I was scrolling through Twitter when I realized she might have been gone too long, and when I looked up, I saw her talking to one of the managers at the back of the restaurant. I didn't think much of it because maybe it's one of her old friends or something. But then she started to get all handsy with him, touching his muscles, poking his chest in a flirtatious manner, whispering in each other's ear, giggling..." Shawn took a deep breath as he told (Y/N) what happened earlier, his stomach twisting as he starts to recall the earlier events. (Y/N) stayed silent but he knew that she was listening carefully to everything that he was saying and that he can take his time as much as he likes, so slowly, he continued.

"She caught me looking at them and as an instinct of mine; I quickly looked away and pretended that I didn't see anything but I was fucking fuming. I know that she knows that I saw everything so she quickly got back to our table and sat down like nothing happened. I was so mad at her but you know me, I'd rather stay silent and wait to deal with it when we get to somewhere private than confront her in public so I ignored her for the rest of the night. I don't know I just can't even look up at her without snapping so I just stayed glued to my phone. She tried to get my attention but everything she did, none of it worked. That's when she started to get irritated..."

***

"Is this how you treat a girl on a date Shawn?" Madison said loudly after he paid the bill, a few people near their table sending smothering as they start to eavesdrop.

"We can talk about it later Madison, don't try and make a scene." Shawn stated as calmly as he could with a straight face.

"I can't fucking believe you. You brought me here just to ignored me? Wow Shawn, you are such a gentleman." She said sarcastically, people around them whispering, some even have their phones out to try and make something out of this predicament. "Madison, please, not here." Shawn tried one more time to control the situation, as well keeping his nerves at bay but much to his dismay, she wasn't having it. "Why the hell not Shawn?" She stood up and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Madison..." Shawn said in a warning tone, jaw clenching as he glared up at her, and she only took this as a challenge. "What? You scared that people will know what kind of a douchebag you are?" She scoffed and that was the last straw for Shawn.

"That's it." He muttered deeply as he abruptly stood up, ignoring the stares as he grabbed her arm along with her purse and dragged her outside.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?" Shawn said through gritted teeth as he quickly opened the passengers door and threw her bag inside out of frustration. He didn't wait for a response as he walked over to the driver's side and got in, slamming the door behind him. Once she slowly got inside of the car with her arms still crossed, Shawn continued.

"Why are you acting like you're the victim in this situation huh? I fucking saw you flirting with a guy Madison!" Shawn yelled, his grip on the steering wheel tightening as they stayed parked.

"Flirting? Oh my god Shawn, imagining things again aren't we?" She responded with a scoff, playing it off like she's done nothing wrong and this made Shawn even angrier. "I'm a guy! I think I fucking know it when a girl is flirting with a guy. I'm not fucking dumb!" He growled as he shot her a glare but she didn't back down, twisting the situation and putting the blame on him instead.

"You know what? I'm sick of this. You always treat me like I'm some kind of property you own. Now I can't talk to guys too? Wow, my ex was way better than you. There are a lot of guys who treated him better than you Shawn. You are nothing compared to them. You always hurt me Shawn, always. Now I feel so trapped like I can't even make my own decisions anymore because you're always jealous and possessive and I'm sick of it." And she cried just like that and Shawn only did nothing but stare at her blankly, his brain still processing everything that came out of her mouth and as to why the whole thing just flipped in no time.

"You're not going to say anything?" She sobbed but Shawn stayed quiet, his mind going elsewhere as he looked at her in pure confusion and shock.

"Fine!" She quickly took her bag and got out of the car, slamming the door shut before Shawn could even react, leaving him there alone to deal with his demons that started to consume his mind.

***

"When I drove back to the hotel, I began to overthink everything that she said. And being the stupid person that I am, I scrolled through twitter and read tweets about what people actually think of me and the next thing I knew I was reading through hate accounts and I got lost. Then everything was starting to go dark, that's why I quickly called you." Shawn took a deep breath as his voice began to get shaky, mind going back to where it was just minutes ago.

"Shawn, hey, calm down, breath. It's okay, I'm here." (Y/N) coed in that soothing voice of hers, Shawn quick to latch on to her words to keep himself calm. "It's okay rockstar, it's going to be okay, I promise." She whispered. Shawn closed his eyes as he lets out a shaky breath, his heart going back to a steady rate, her voice helping him in a way he can't really put into words. "Shawn? Still there bub?"

"Yeah, still here. Thank you (Y/N). God what would I do without you?" Shawn whispered.

"No need to thank me Shawn. I'll always be here remember? I already promised you that and I'd like to keep that promise for as long as I can."

Shawn shook his head in pure disbelief, "Have I told you how amazing you are? You are such an incredible person (Y/N) you have no idea." A small giggle was heard on the other line, followed by a soft and shy thank you that Shawn couldn't help but smile as he pictured her face all flushed as she always does whenever he gushes about her. A few seconds of silence hung in the air before she spoke again, "On another note," She paused for a moment, and Shawn already knows where this conversation is heading.

"You'll probably hate me for this but, why are you with a girl like her Shawn? You deserve so much better."

Shawn sighed, a hand raking through his hair as he tries to settle this without ending in an argument. "I don't know (Y/N), I just—I know she can be a handful at times but I just can't let her go. I don't know, I can't really explain it." He grumbled, he in himself properly conflicted as to what he truly feels.

If it was that easy, he would have left Madison a long time ago. He doesn't know why but he likes to give people plenty of chances, a huge thing that he needs to work on his part, because by the end of it all, people only take advantage of that and Shawn's learning that, slowly but painfully.

All Shawn heard was a sigh of disappointment on the other line. "I know your upset (Y/N) and that you aren't her biggest fan but I really do like her and I think I'm falling for her. That's why I am willing to give her another chance."

"How can you like her Shawn? She's a brat. All she ever does is blame you for the mistake that she made. I don't want you getting hurt at all and she's like a poisonous snake. There are better girls out there Shawn." The annoyance in her voice was so clear, and Shawn knows she'll never hide that from him because (Y/N) is always honest. Even if it upsets him that his best friend who means the world to him doesn't really get along with his girlfriend.

"We can't have this conversation again (Y/N), please. She's still my girlfriend." Shawn reasoned, not really in the mood to get an earful from her yet again about the same thing.

"Yeah okay fine. Sorry, well, I'm not really sorry for not liking her but yeah I'll stop." Shawn couldn't stop the chuckle from escaping his mouth, and just when he was going to say something back, another call came through.

"It's Madison, she wants to Facetime." Shawn sighed once he got a glance at the caller ID, not entirely happy about the interruption but glad to see that she's the one to reach out this time.

"Well, that's my cue. Go and sort things out with your girlfriend. I'll see you soon rockstar."

"See you honey. Thanks for everything." And with that Shawn ended the call and answered Madison with a slight dread, knowing that this was going to be a long night.

***

Few months later...

"Around what time would you like me to come over at your place?" (Y/N) asked on the other side of the phone, voice a bit muffled indicating that she must be on a walk or just out and about.

Shawn looked at the time for a quick moment before continuing to fish his car keys out of his pocket, a task he seemed to have a hard time of doing. "I don't really know yet. Maybe some time after lunch? I'm surprising Madison so maybe we'll go out for lunch and I don't know how long we'd be out." Shawn whispered a 'yes' as he finally found his keys after quite the struggle.

"Yeah, right." Shawn was met by the most uninterested tone he'd ever had the pleasure of hearing, making him let out a chuckle as he slowly got into his car. "Did you just roll your eyes at me missy?" Shawn joked, but already knowing that he was probably right.

"Oh my God! How on earth do you do that Shawn? We're on the phone but it's like you're seeing me on the other side." (Y/N)'s voice was laced with pure sarcasm, adding in a fake gasp as well to sell the act. "Oh, shut up." Shawn laughed, shaking his head as he reached for his seatbelt, connecting his phone with his car in the process.

He was on his way to Madison's house, one that she rented while she's in Toronto for a couple of weeks for some project they never got the chance to talk about. Shawn on the other hand just flew in last night and didn't tell her in an attempt for it to be a surprise, since he hasn't seen Madison for a while now. The only person he told that he was back home was his family and (Y/N), of course.

"But seriously though, how did you guess that right?" She asked just as Shawn drove off, her voice now booming around the car.

"I just know that whenever I mention Madison, you always roll your eyes." Shawn pointed out the obvious. "Just like right now." He added, earning a hearty laugh from the girl.

"I mean how can I not? Just her name itself annoys me. That fucking snak–"

"(Y/N)..." Shawn warned before she could even finish her sentence, though a smile did made its way to his lips at how stubborn his best friend is, not even giving Madison a slight chance to redeem herself.

"Oops, I'm sorry sir, I'll stop." Shawn shook his head with a chuckle, purely amuse at how (Y/N) is just is, and oh how much he adores her. "You are something else aren't you?"

"Well you love me that way so..." Shawn rolled his eyes with a scoff, but never did deny what she said because it was the truth. He does love her, but maybe in a different way as she thinks he does.

"Yeah, whatever." Shawn tried his best to keep his voice casual but his mind was running a hundred miles per minute as he starts to think about where his heart really does lie, because it would be very unfair to both girls if he himself aren't sure of what he feels.

Was he really still in love with his best friend?

"Anyways, do you need something? I'm stopping at the grocery store later to get a few things." (Y/N)'s voice slightly startled him as he got lost in thought again, but he was quick to compose himself as he turned the curb, arriving just in front of Madison's house. "Nope, it's fine, just arrived at Madison's. I'll see you later yeah?"

"Yup, see you later Shawn." She sighed with a hint of disappointment in her tone. Shawn was about to ask her what's wrong but he kind of already have a clue what it was just judging by the name he has mentioned. As much as he wants (Y/N) to accept Madison and just see pass through her mistakes, she can't really blame her if she can't, given the fact that Madison has hurt him plenty of times, (Y/N) being the witness of the aftermath.

"Don't bail on me (Y/N)." Shawn warned jokingly, though he was making sure that their plan was still a go. Her laugh echoed throughout Shawn's car, the sound tugging a smile on his lips.

"Never." She breathed out, the sound almost like an inaudible whisper, soft and gentle. An answer to his question but Shawn knows that the simple word held so much more. That whatever happens, she'll always be there, that she'll never stop being there for him and this made Shawn's heart skip a beat.

Shawn brushed this feeling off and didn't think much of it, shoving the thought in the back of his mind as he says one last goodbye. Once she hung up, Shawn disconnected his phone and got out of the car, mind in different directions as he walked towards the front door.

About three steps away from the door, Shawn suddenly felt uneasy, a certain gut feeling he can't seem to ignore making him think that something was up, but he continued to take steps forward.

As he placed his hand on the doorknob, he heard noises that made him stop dead in his tracks. Shawn's breathing stared to grow heavy, his hands shaking as his heart pumps blood around his body two times its normal speed. The voice in the back of his head telling him that he should ready myself for what he was about to see, but even if he tried, he was sure he will never be ready for this, not now, not ever.

Shawn twisted the doorknob slowly, the sound only growing louder as he pushed the door open as quietly as possible, like he was sneaking into someone's house without their consent but then again, that was kind of the situation.

Once he was inside, the noises just became unbearable at that point and he so badly just wanted to throw up, head spinning as his heart thumped loud against his chest. Shawn swallowed a huge lump in his throat as he lumbered his way towards the living room, not even sure what to do if he sees what he thinks was happening but when he finally reached the space, his heart was quick to drop and shatter as soon as his eyes confirmed what his brain was telling him.

There she was, his girlfriend on top of some guy that he doesn't even know, both half naked and moaning in pleasure as loud as they can, making sure the neighbors could hear. They were so caught up with what they were doing that they've grown oblivious to the fact that Shawn was right there, standing frozen and heartbroken, watching them attentively even if he so badly just wanted to look away.

All the blood drained from Shawn's face as it slowly rushed up his brain, and that's when all he saw was red. "What the actual fuck?" He yelled once he was back to his senses, making both heads snap in his direction, them looking at him with nothing but wide eyes.

Madison stood abruptly, trying her best to cover her body, guilt and fear written all across her face but Shawn ignored her as he launched himself towards the guy, not even thinking with a clear mind anymore.

"What the fuck man!" Shawn screamed, throwing a punch across his face and actually managing to hit him hard, having the element of surprise to his advantage but Shawn was never a fighter, so he was easily caught off guard when the other guys managed to land a punch square on his cheek.

Shawn stumbled back, a warm feeling coming out of his nose but he casually wipes it off with the back of his hand, never taking his eyes of the guy as he continued to walk forwards not even scared if he was going to get beaten down as his anger only fueled him to keep going.

The guy was the first to throw in another punch, Shawn unable to dodge it as it landed right on his eyebrow, head now starting to throb but still, he kept going as he threw another one back and it was a full on back and forth at that point.

Shawn gave a few punches and received some more, both guys now on the floor with Shawn managing to stay on top, knuckle colliding with the guy's face over and over until Shawn's fist was fully covered with blood, the other guy managing to reach a hand out, fingernail digging right in Shawn's face, making him curse out loud.

"Stop! Both of you stop!" Madison shrieked in horror, and that's when Shawn managed to stop, chest heaving up and down as he stood up slowly, eyes glued to the man as he growled. "Leave."

He staggered up, collected his clothes and rushed towards the door without another word, enabling Shawn to turn his full attention towards Madison. "Shawn he–"

"What? You're going tell me that I'm making things up again? Or that you accidentally fell on top of him while losing your clothes in the process? I fucking saw it with my own eyes Madison! You fucked another guy behind my back, or should I say right in front of my fucking face. You cheated. Simple as that, your bullshit won't work on me this time so don't even try." Shawn shook his head in pure disbelief as he tried to keep himself together, the actual truth of what he just saw tasting so vile in his mouth.

"So what are you going to do? Break up with me?" She said crossing her arms across her chest, voice a bit shaky but raising her eyebrow nonetheless, as if he was challenging him. Shawn only let out a sarcastic laugh, eyes almost rolling to the very back of his head as if it was so hard for him to just that.

"Yes, that is exactly what I'm going to do." He stated loud and clear, venom laced in every word. "I'm done with all your bullshit. I should've done this a long time ago. (Y/N) was right, I deserve so much better. I'm done Madison, it's over." Shawn added ready to turn his back on her and leave this hell hole called a relationship, so fucking mad at himself for not doing it sooner.

"Fine! Go! I've never loved you anyway! You were useful for my reputation while it lasted." She screamed out just as Shawn pulled the door open, his heart breaking even more as he rushed to his car, struggling to keep his feet under him while his mind started to get darker as seconds ticked by.

Once he slammed the door shut, that's when he broke down, floods of tears running down his face as he turned the engine on, a very reckless decision but Shawn didn't care as he drove off, fast and hot headed.

His mind and body shutting down all at once, judgment entirely clouded as he started not to care about anything, his demons feeding his dark thought more as he felt the loss of care for his own life.

Fuck everything. Fuck life.

-:-:-:-:-

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