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the-greatest-story-untold · 1 year ago

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Dear Sunshine,

~ 06/06/23, Tue

(long post)

Or as everyone knows you as, Haechan, bearing the meaning of Full Sun.

Or for those who are more intimately closer to you, to whom you are Donghyuck/Donghyeok.

The first (Sunshine), my own name for you, a title delegated all to myself, though the word itself is universal and I am sure many have adopted this as their own term of endearment for you. You who is the epitome of this namesake. The light that has entered my life when before, the word had never meant anything more than just some letters joined together.

The second (Haechan), your professional title, your stage name, your idol essence, your performing act. The name thousands know you by. The name adored and shared among millions. The fullness of the namesake that has spread its meaning across the hearts of so many all over the world. The familiarity to the name but yet, still a gentle reminder of detachment because of its world-renowned status.

And lastly (Donghyuck/Donghyeok), your own private identity. The beginning of the story of the growing star before it became the full sun it has become today. The true you, I would hope. The name I honestly dare not utter; as no matter how relatable you’ve become to me, the name still serves as a reminder that I am never truly close in distance, physically or otherwise.

Whichever it may be, it still refers to only one of you.

I am assuming it has struck 12 midnight where you are (and looooong past it). You are either asleep, or more likely up on Bubble, IG perhaps, or just on one of your many devices. Maybe you are reading well-wishes from those you love, your family and friends. Maybe you are scrolling through the heaps of birthday wishes flooding your social media feeds from those who love you all around the world.

What is my letter but just one more, right?

I feel like I have so much to say. Words are always in my head, running around and popping up into focus now and then. I’ll scroll through social media and see clips and shots of you, and words flitter and pop. Words I feel like I’d want to share with you but the magnitude of them is just too much to process at the moment.

So my task now is to try to do that. To organise the words fluttering about and reign in the feelings running amok. I hope I do well. Let’s begin.

Haechan, my Sunshine.

Before knowing you, ‘sunshine’ never truly held any meaning for me, except for what it was meant for; the light emitted from the sun.

When I first knew of you, introduced to me as ‘Haechan’, again, there was no resonance with the name. I did not know the story behind your name.

Interesting how meanings behind a name and how prophetic they can be, could really draw you into the story of somebody, doesn’t it?

Because that was what happened when I got to know about you.

My story began in 2019. I was already familiar with NCT and her concept, but I did not know much about you. Although, I did understand that you were the youngest in NCT 127. I also understood the concept and expectations of a maknae, and anticipated you to behave as such. (Which you did.)

Back then, my only experiences with groups’ maknae had been that of SuJu’s Kyuhyun (he is so ahjusshi compared to you at this point, let’s not deny this), EXO’s Sehun (who had always been this ‘too cool for school’ dude in my eyes), and BTS’ Jungkook (another ‘too cool for school’ child). Kyuhyun began my formulation of the ‘Evil Maknae’ and although Sehun is far from being as devious as Kyuhyun (in my opinion), he was sort of dubbed as ‘difficult to manage’ too. Jungkook was the Golden Maknae who could do no wrong even if he was.

Then, there was you. I did not know what to make of you. The maknae (of other groups/within Kpop) had never really caught my attention before. They were often just there for entertainment purposes. But you? You did catch my attention. And as my brain scrambled to get what information I can about you, an obvious archetype that came up was that of the maknae.

But you were still different. The ‘maknae’ archetype was not why you caught my attention. And for a while, I continued to scramble for my thoughts and opinion on this young man who has so undeniably got my undivided attention.

My first true recollection of you was actually back in 2018. I didn't really want to count that because that memory thread aligned more with Mark’s graduation rather than ‘you’. But I still recalled fans being upset and lamenting about your separation. (It was then that I learned about ‘MarkHyuck’ - and subsequently your real name ‘Donghyuck’ - and the idea of shipping. We shall not go down that road.)

Then you had the unfortunate incident of injuring your ankle, which caused greater despair within the fandom. Sentiments and emotions were especially high as you missed NCT’s first ever live concert with NCT 127’s Neo City: Seoul – The Origin (a mouthful to say and a hassle to write/type, seriously). It was fair to say the fandom was especially concentrated on your well-being. Throngs of well-wishes continued across social media through the months you recuperated and recovered.

But yet, I still did not know much about you other than that you were the maknae, and you were close to Mark. I knew of course that both you and Mark were part of Dream too. But let’s face it, at this point, the only news thread in the Dream vine was Mark’s graduation. I too knew you had been around since SM Rookies and the MMC days. But that was old news.

So if you were to ask me to recall what exactly about you made me drawn to you? I could not answer. Till this date, I still can’t think of what about you caught my attention.

However, I can tell you what had caught my attention: clips of your solo dance before ‘Good Thing’ during The Origin tour.

Because boy, you returned from an ankle injury and was launched into a world tour and then managed to deliver such a solo with such grace and ease? Many of your fans were ecstatic at your return, grateful you are back at full health. But dang, you dived back into work and did not play around. You took your return seriously and embraced it fully.

I have never been drawn to dancers before. My biases or my cause of interest have always been vocalists. And this tracks all the way back to my 90s boy bands phase (if you haven’t figured out that I’m that old…).

So imagine my surprise when I was very very drawn to all the clips of you dancing in that solo. And subsequently, when you came to my country for a concert, and I actually witnessed you dancing, let me tell you that that concert experience was a turning point in my life.

It was my first concert of any type whatsoever and it being a Kpop band (which also, in all honesty, was the first Kpop band I truly invested in and paid attention to), says a lot about how NCT changed my life. It was not drastic but looking at my life receipts, it was my riskiest and bravest purchase and decision, ever.

I’ve said this before, in my old blog posts and my conversations with friends who deemed it their worth to listen to my regaling Kpop tales; when I entered the Origin concert, I had came for Taeil (the man who drew me into NCT) and watched for Taeyong and Mark (the only ones who I had been able to recognise). And by the end of the concert, I was a true fan – a dubbed NCTzen. But most importantly, I was starting to understand what the fans meant by ‘bias’. Because boy, though I denied it then, I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame.

Eventually 127 ended their first world tour. But yet, another world tour awaited you: The Dream Show.

As aforementioned, I was ready to be an NCTzen; I was committed to support the entirety of NCT and her ludicrous concept and projects. That included exploring beyond NCT127 and venturing into its next major unit: NCT Dream.

My journey with NCT Dream … is another long novel on its own and a narrative to explore in another time. But I have to admit it was my journey into NCT Dream that got me to know more about you, Haechan.

NCT Dream Haechan is, in my opinion, different from NCT 127 Haechan. Where you are maknae in NCT 127, you play an entirely different role in Dream.

You are expected to be, dare I say it, petulant and childish with 127 as it is expected of a maknae to behave as such. You whine more, you act cute more and get things your way because the older guys relent to it. You are, as popular (fan)fiction describes it, “bratty”. Endearingly so, as seen by how your hyungs absolutely give in to your shenanigans, scripted or not.

But with NCT Dream, there is a shift in the presentation of your behaviour. If this was conscious or not, scripted or natural, I will never know (and it is not my prerogative to know). But either way, there is a shift.

I think this was why I ultimately started paying attention to Dream; and often than not, started paying more attention to you.

Paying attention to Dream meant listening to your tracks. Being the main vocalist for the unit, I hear you more. All the online accolades and praises for your vocal uniqueness were no lies. I heard the difference in your timbre. I hear the colour of your voice when you sing with Dream. And I love it.

Paying attention to Dream also meant supporting your comebacks. With 2019 passing, and me having attended Neo City: The Origin on 22 July, the first Dream activity that came along was ‘We Boom’. And with every pun intended, that album came booming into existence: It was loud, it was daring and it was a statement. And I love every bit of it. I paid attention to every single member and will honestly say, I became an official ‘Dreamzen’. Everything about that era was giving me energy I loved. And when it was released that you will be returning to my country for a world tour? I was genuinely ecstatic. Where I was nervous and hesitant with The Origin, I was absolutely sure I had to go to The Dream Show.

Alas, I did not manage to get good tickets (restricted view) and subsequently, when the end of 2019 came about, the world pandemic happened. I was gutted when it was official that The Dream Show was cancelled. Never before did I feel so despondent at seeing a refund processed in my bank account.

At this point, perhaps due to the emotional drawback or the anxiety of an upcoming world pandemic, I turned to you (and your members).

I learned what your name meant (Full Sun), and I learnt what your fans were called (sunflowers). Suddenly, everything yellow or orange, or any associations to sunflowers and the sun, made me think of you. Specifically, I remembered your smile and your warmth. And though everyone (even I) refer to your precarious childishness as ‘brattiness’, it was actually this very behaviour that made me relate to you. I eventually realised, this was not ‘bratiness’. You were simply mischievous. Which I, myself, have a knack to behave as such.

I am 'a little bit' on the mischievous side myself, growing up. I got into plenty of trouble as a child... but as I grew up I learned to tuck that mischief away in official settings such as school and the public. But as I crossed into teenagehood, ‘mischief’ became forgotten and something else morphed out of it. My family called it ‘being rebellious’, and I bought it. I was berated and chided for it, and worse, made to feel guilty for it but without understanding why. And through the ending years of my teenagehood and the beginning of my adulthood, the guilt stayed with me and fostered something else in me. I still functioned though, never truly conscious of this ever-growing ‘something’ in me that was just getting fed by guilt-tripping and societal pressure on what it is to be an adult, a woman. And when I got to adulthood, I already had baggage on me, which I had (barely) succeeded in hiding… by tucking, pushing, prodding, and forcing it into this very ever-shrinking box in me. Till one day it wouldn’t fit anymore, and that box (that was supposed to contain ‘things’) just disappeared, and a very ugly ‘something’ came bursting out and overtook everything.

<<This may be my midnight ruminations, or the result of finally becoming comfortable with my thoughts and words as I delve deeper in reflection. I hope you don’t mind me sharing.>>

As you have read, I did not grow into what I term a ‘wholesome’ adult. I did not ‘have my shit together’.

I am sure you have heard or read so many moving stories of how you, your members, your band, had saved someone from a dark place in their life. And sometimes, I so badly want to say that was the case for me too.

In a way, perhaps. I have to admit, I did find a safe place in NCT for a while. Be it 127, with your found-family vibes. Or NCT Dream with your friendship forever familiarity. Even WayV and their pets had made their way into my heart. I won’t deny NCT2020 was my favourite era and today, I am very grateful I had been fortunate and blessed to have witnessed it.

But regardless of what it was, what kept me drawn to NCT was you. Your warm personality, your kindness, your passion, your softness, your loving attributes, and yes, your mischief – your love for fun, your inclination for affection, your joviality. I see a glimpse of my old self in that. And I don’t know if that old me is still somewhere in me or if it has morphed into something I am fearful of (I still need time to process that).

In the meantime, I am glad to be able to see the sun in you. And I know it is not easy. So many things aren’t easy, I would think. But I just don’t know which one you’d relate to the most: It must be so difficult to be so happy and so passionate all the time. To be so hard working and committed to what you love. To be sufficiently happy as yourself and also happy as what is expected of you (you are human too, and experience the ups and downs of life… but as an idol, it is a profession that expects perfection from you. And given the happy, mood-maker personality that is associated with you, that must make it harder sometimes to find the balance of being genuinely happy because it is where you want to be versus being happy because your professional image demands you to be as such).

During this birthday, please remember that you have been my definition of sunshine and happiness for as long as I have been your fan. I want to thank you so much for that.

But please remember, you do not have to be forever happy and grinning for the sake of fans. I understand you have been tired for a while now. If it helps, do take a break. It may cause some fans to be upset, yes, but it is far more important that you gather yourself and take time for yourself too.

Something that has kept me going, is the saying (paraphrased) that “you cannot serve from an empty vessel. Rest and self-care is important because when you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow”.

I love this quote; it is from Eleanor Brownn. And as a social work associate (and through my young adult work life, a case worker in the social sector), this saying has been an essential reminder for me to know when to stop pushing forward because I need to, so that I can rest and recollect myself before I continue to push on. And I hope it resonates with you too on some level.

From the bottom of my heart, I truly want to thank you again. Should I ever be lucky enough to meet you, I will never know what to say, what to do, or even how to act in front of you (or anyone else in NCT for that matter). Language barrier aside, we have quite an age gap too. But regardless, I will continue to love you, and ‘bias’ you, as the young ones so eloquently phrase it. I may face judgement for it, but at this point, I’m accepting that I am happy watching you dance and play, and of course, listening to you sing. (Like a little brother bear...)

Please continue to be passionate in your art for the longest time. You don’t have to be an idol, but never let go of what you love.

Be happy, for yourself and the ones you love. Don’t lose yourself in the hub-bub of the entertainment world and remember yourself, your family and friends. I know you feel that fans are important, but at the end of the day, we are just here to supplement and support you. Remember that what you do must be for your own drive. If you get tired, remember to take a rest and refuel. Genuine fans know how to take a step back and give you your space, because they respect you.

Finally, treasure all the memories you make, good or bad. You will learn from life, even if she is a tough teacher. I am not from your world, and may never be able to put myself in your shoes or imagine the challenges and difficulties you face. But as a human being, I empathise that you can have difficult and even dark days.

Have a good rest (tell this to all your hard working members… all of them), and happy birthday. I hope you wake up to a beautiful day, sunshine.

With love,

Just another birthday wish.

#nct #nct heachan #lee haechan #nct lee donghyuck #nct 127 #nct dream #happy birthday haechan #happyhaechanday

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