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purple-baby-d · 1 month ago

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grief | bin

I took two deep breaths before gathering the courage to even step out of my car. Something as simple as parking was already enough for me to feel a tsunami of emotions building up in my stomach where courage once was. The memories of you showing me this apartment complex you had found for us to start building a life together, the promises you made me when you noticed I feared for the future you were so excited about; for God’s sake, you were in my car. In the passenger seat, looking down at me with those sweet eyes of yours, those I could never say no to.

I can still hear your voice, telling me how spacious everything is, how you would let me have the walk-in closet and the nice parking spot if I agreed. Yet, I would find myself being brought back to reality when I failed to feel your hands reaching out for my face, your thumbs softly caressing my cheeks as you demanded for me to look you in the eyes in the cutest, most inoffensive way. My lips missed how you kissed them once I finally said yes, that excited look in your face, how your eyes turned from disbelief to the most authentic euphoria in a blink that I thankfully didn’t do. I loved that about you, how your eyes would become two fine lines whenever you smiled, how your hands were always cold, but somehow warmer than mine. How you would lay in my lap when you had problems for me to let you vent about, how you would then make me switch positions with you and give me the best free therapy ever.

Or the second best, because your hugs were the best.

My phone kept buzzing inside my pants’ back pocket as I finally gathered the courage to step out of the comfort I once found in my car, I didn’t need to check it to know that your friends were probably responsible. Sanha, for the most part. Probably Eunwoo is second up, and Jinjin, Rocky and MJ are all tied. Don’t get me wrong, you know I love them, but I know that as soon as I start a conversation with any of them before stepping in, I will lose the courage it took me so long to build. I will go back to your parents’ house, back to that comfort zone I built in your guest room, because I don’t want to interrupt your mother’s grief by touching yours, and honestly I don’t have the heart to do that anyway. Sua came back home, too. You would be so happy knowing how much time we spend together nowadays, I buy her meals when she’s hungry, I take her places when she needs fresh air, and I try my best to give her what I know you would’ve given her if you were still here, materially and emotionally.

I had distracted myself enough not to realize I was finally in our doorstep, being brought back to reality by the sound the paper wrapping the flowers beneath me made as I unconsciously stepped over them. Flowers, at least five bouquets. Next to condolence letters and other things people left at our doorstep when they realized no one was home. I missed the times I would find packages on the door, just because you were scared they came from a stalker and waited for me or for your manager to check them first. I would, sometimes, order your birthday or anniversary gifts and had them delivered to the door because I knew it was safe. I would too just order random stuff that I knew would make you laugh just to see you scared and then have the expected reaction once I opened them.

I wish that was why everything was in our doorstep.

As I walked in, it felt like routine for a second. I will hang the keys, take off my coat, change my shoes for our home slippers and walk in, but it all fell apart as I was about to announce my arrival in hopes you were home. No, you weren’t. Only silence was home, along with a thin layer of dust, and our coffee cups still sitting in the countertop, empty, yet waiting to be washed as we both realized we were running late for what we had to do. As usual, being honest. I can hear the last words you told me that morning as if you were uttering them in front of me right now, it was your response to a dumb joke I made about the outfit you were going to try on for your future shows that, as usual, showed a little too much skin. You loved it, you were so confident no matter what you wore. But I noticed I had accidentally left a hickey in a visible spot after our drunken deeds the night prior, you just laughed it off and smiled as I said “maybe they will think it’s makeup”, and then responded on top of my lips, “then I think I wanna keep it in the concept”.

My steps naturally found their way to our bathroom, where our toothbrushes still rested together, as well as our towels, and our little slippers we would wear because you didn’t like the feeling of your bare feet touching the cold floor after a hot shower. I smiled as I remembered how tiny my slippers looked next to yours, my eyes then looking up to the showcase of your compulsive ordering in our hygiene products. Everything had its place for you, and you would clean up after my messes every time. I don’t think I ever put things back the way I would find them after you came out of the bathroom, yet they always looked the same. That was one of your quirky traits, and one that my now messy life needs desperately.

I stepped away only to take a deep breath, the memories of every room crawling in my brain as I tried my best to hold myself together. How you would play with your shaving cream to make me laugh, or pick me up like a little girl after I had a bad day and help me wash up, I still remember your tender touch when your hands would lift up my chin, and the love mixed with focus in your glare as you brushed my teeth so diligently, muttering words of support and encouragement, next to the usual compliments I never lacked from you, and followed by the most healing demonstrations of your affection, like those soft pecks in my temple as you hugged me from behind, looking at us in the mirror. If we took a picture every time you did that, we wouldn’t have any empty walls in this apartment.

But only God knows there wasn’t a place as full of memories as our bedroom.

And as soon as I stepped into the open door, I could smell your cologne, your scent so unique to you. It overwhelmed me to see it all again, after so much time sleeping elsewhere. The giant teddy bear you gifted me when we moved so I would have someone else to hug when you were on your resting in the corner of the room. I walked into that closet we ended up sharing trying to escape, but I found myself staring at your clothes and remembering every time you wore any of them when we were together. Your favorite sweatshirt being what called me the most. I hugged them as if they could bring you back, your scent flooding my nostrils as I did. And I ended up undressing and putting on that sweatshirt Sua gifted you once, how much you loved it. It felt huge on me, your clothes always did, but I felt as if that was a hug from you.

But it wasn’t until I laid down in our bed, feeling how cold your empty side felt, that it hit me harder than anything else I had done today. I kept trying to wake myself up, trying to take any headset off to escape this cruel simulation, hoping to one day receive any sort of sign that it was all a wicked lie. My brain was catching on to the facts, but my heart so desperately needed it to not be true.

It’s odd, how stuck in time this place was. I can’t properly put it into words without feeling like I’m about to choke on my speech, because it all leads to the fact that I wasn’t there with you. No one was, it took five seconds for life to take you away from me, and for you to leave this world the way we promised each other we wouldn’t let it happen: alone.

But then, once I gathered the little strength I had to get up before sinking irreversibly into my mourning, my teary eyes landed on that big, fluffy, lonely teddy bear. It never served its function, I would always prefer to tune into your livestreams, or to simply FaceTime you whenever you had the chance. I would lay the phone on your pillow, and pretend you were there with me. I always felt bad for feeling like I didn’t appreciate that such sweet and thoughtful gesture of yours, so I thought might as well try and see what comfort you wished for me to feel with it. I took the stuffed animal by the hand and laid it on top of the bed, on your side of it. And as I laid down, I tried to cuddle it the way I would cuddle you, but a sound coming out of it as soon as I hugged its center startled me.

“You’re tearing up for no reason, can I console you?”.

It wasn’t any sound, it was your voice.

“Why are you crying?”.

Only then, I realized the tears I’d been holding so badly finally couldn’t help it. “Because I miss you”, I sobbed.

“It’s alright! Sometimes… right?”, I could hear you sigh, as if you were laying there, right next to me. “You do get teary”.

“At times like that, sometimes it helps to just cry it all out”, you reasoned, letting out a reassuring chuckle like only you could. “After a good cry… you can calm down”. I heard those words, so familiar to the words I would always get from you, as I just let it all out.

“It’s okay”, you said. “It will all work out, don’t worry”.

The white noise quieted, only symbolizing that the recording was over. But the silence was surely filled with my uncontrollable cries, so appreciative of every single one of your details that I never got to thank you for in life. You were so caring, so unnecessarily giving, so selflessly devoted to the people you loved. Your fans, your friends, your family… and there I was, feeling undeserving of all the love you gave me. Willing to make a deal with every god in existence to switch our places, just to have you here.

But I had to settle with what little I had of you, and after shutting all the curtains closed, locking all the doors and turning off the lights, I laid down on my side of the bed wearing your favorite sweatshirt, and I cuddled the teddy bear again, closing my eyes to play along, and imagine it was you there with me.

And a new recording of your voice started to play.

“Did you have a good day today?”, you asked. “You know how to forget all the bad things”, I nodded, because you taught me.

“Sleep well and have a nice dream”, you too, love. Rest easy. “I love you”, those three words will never be enough for me to describe my feelings for you, my shining star.

“Bye-bye~”.

Goodnight, Bin.

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back to writing because I dreamed about you, and I decided to write my dream down to keep it in my mind forever.

#kpop #astro #moonbin #kpop oneshots

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