#hanezono

[magioftheseas]

Shades Of A Perfect Blue

Written for the @sayakazine Please check out the fundraiser!!! Summary: Sayaka just wanted to shine as an idol alongside her friends. She didn't want to be singled out. She definitely didn't want to be targeted. Warnings: Violence, Stalking, Murder, the dark side of idol culture Notes: This is one of my two fics posted for the Sayaka Zine! It's definitely more psychological thriller and horror-focused. As you can tell from the title, it's based off Perfect Blue! Fantastic movie. The fic's not quite as dark, but I hope it's still a suitably chilling read. There's focus on the Sayaka/Ayaka relationship and some minor references to Naezono too. But this is one of my favorite pieces written for a zine! Currently, the Sayaka Zine is running a fundraiser, so please show them support! Special thanks also to @softausterity for the illustrations, which are included in both the zine and the Ao3 version. Go check them out, too! Their illustration of the crane is soooooo good! ***Alternative Ao3 Link*** Commission? Donate?

It’s well into the night and once again, the only company she has are the gaggle of girls on the screen. But Sayaka wasn’t lonely at all.

Not when the girls sang so sweetly and in such perfect unison like a picturesque family. The kind that Sayaka always wanted to have. They followed one another’s lead, their smiles even brighter when regarding each other.

In that small, dark room, those girls were twinkling stars in Sayaka’s eyes.

Guiding stars down a path she very much wanted to follow.

Not even the otherwise encompassing darkness would deter her, not when she had that light to reach for and steal away between her fingers.

As long as she had that light, nothing else would drag her down.

–

The stage lights were much more blinding when you were under them, much to her delight.

From the cheering crowd to the manic grins on the other girls’ faces, that first performance was no doubt a roaring success.

“CHARM! CHARM!”

“Thank you, thank you!” Sayaka shouted. “Thank you so much, everyone! Give all your heart to CHARM!”

Just her waving her arms eagerly had the crowd shrieking in delight. Cries of her name, confessions of love and adulation, the promises of support—nothing at all like her father’s miserable drunken nights.

“CHARM! WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, CHARM!”

Her heart swelled, and for once, it wasn’t with guilt.

She was still so giddy once they retreated backstage. She traded high fives and fist-bumps with the other girl and happily accepted a hug from Satomi. They were all bursting with energy and excitement, fingers so entwined and interlocked to the point of happily ignored pain.

“That went so great!”

“We killed it!”

“Everyone loves CHARM! They love us!”

Just like the crowd, there were squeals of delight from CHARM! All except for one member. A lone girl downing a bottle of water where the light strained to reach. Sayaka slipped away with surprising ease, and she practically skidded into the loner’s back.

Ayaka doesn’t even stumble, just chuckling lowly as she does. Without missing a beat, she took another water bottle and handed it over like a baton at the sports festival.

“We did good,” she said, and the light danced in her eyes even if her wry smile remained firm. “But it’s going to be much rougher down the road.”

“It’s fine,” Sayaka said, and the cap scraped against her palm as she cracked the bottle open. “We can do anything.”

Ayaka’s smile didn’t even twitch. Her head cocked to the side, casting part of her warm expression in shadow.

“Just don’t lose sight of yourself, Saya.” Ayaka took another sip. “That’s really easy to do in this line of business.” She finished off the rest. “Idols are expected to give all of themselves–but only the parts that people like. As for the rest…”

She tossed the bottle without looking, and it landed perfectly in the trash.

“Hold onto yourself like a lifeline,” she said with such seriousness. “No matter what happens, never lose yourself.”

Sayaka could only frown.

“What do you mean?”

Before Ayaka could answer, their manager’s booming voice cut through like lightning splitting the earth. Ayaka had quickly composed herself and dragged Sayaka to that booming voice, to that overbearing presence that Sayaka still somewhat feared.

Even though the manager was smiling, Sayaka still felt that way. It took everything to not flinch when those fingers branded themselves on each of the girls’ shoulders.

But Ayaka had held her hand like a lifeline, and that alone was enough to keep them afloat.

–

“Hey, everyone! How’s your heartbeat? Is it going crazy~?”

“Ayaka-chan! You should know better than to tease!”

Ayaka stuck out her tongue, making sure that it came with a cute sound so that the audience was aware. Even with the stuffiness of the sound booth, she acted natural and sweet.

(Seriously, it was almost suffocating.)

“Anyway!” Satomi exclaimed. “It’s that wonderful, heart-throbbing time! Kyaaa! You get what I mean, right?!”

“My heart won’t stop racing,” Sayaka murmured, and the other girls cheered.

“It’s time for Love Letters to CHARM!”

It was supposed to improve morale. The producers said that nothing touched a young idol’s heart more than the pure, earnest love of her fans.

(She knew a pure and earnest boy once. She wonders if he sent anything in. And she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t wonder about anything. To pick one out would be a betrayal to everyone else.)

Still, she wonders what types of letters she’ll receive. They’re already sorting the letters between the girls, and the girls are trading smirks and nods to signify who goes first.

“Satomi-chan, your smiling face gives me strength.” Satomi was beaming brighter than the sun. “Thank you so much!”

“Aya-chan, your strong eyes get me through the day.” Ayaka just laughed at that. “Oh, so just my eyes and not the rest of my face, hmm?”

“Ayaka-chan, you know what they mean! Don’t tease, haha!”

“Nyeh!”

The others were having fun. Ayaka especially was in a good mood. It all seemed light-hearted. Sincere, even.

But Sayaka still felt a twinge of…uncertainty.

Will everything really be okay?

Will we be fine?

How do the fans even see me? What do they see when they look at me?

“Saya,” Ayaka sing-songs, elbowing her. “Come on! Your turn! Don’t keep us in suspense!”

The audience thankfully is unable to see the slight tremor in Sayaka’s hands as she tears open the first letter. Her groupmates are quiet to drill up anticipation.

(And as a show of understanding. Ayaka is even comfortingly squeezing her thigh under the table.)

“Sayaka-san,” she finally reads. “Looking at you makes me feel like I have an older sister. You’re my guiding star and I never feel like I’m alone. I will support you always.”

She releases her breath. Joy bubbles in her heart. Just like that.

“Thank you so much! I won’t let you down!”

Everything will be fine.

(What a foolish thought that had been.)

–

“Sayaka-chan, you’re truly like a star. Shining and out of reach, and yet that makes it all the more special that you grace us with your light. You truly are the heart of CHARM!”

“Oh, but!” Sayaka hurriedly exclaims. “I wouldn’t be anything without anyone else!”

“Flatterer!” Ayaka exclaims right back. But when the show’s finally over, Sayaka crumbles the letter.

“I really don’t like it when they demean the others to compliment me.”

“Some fans are like that,” Satomi sighed. “I’m not taking it seriously and you shouldn’t either, Sayaka-chan.”

The others were already nodding along firmly as Ayaka nuzzled her cheek.

“We still appreciate it, and we know you care about us. In fact, we know you best, right?”

Ayaka really was warm and comforting.

“R-Right.”

“So, don’t worry!”

“I won’t.”

She had meant it. At the time.

(But things can never be so simple, can they?)

–

She first heard about the fan blog from a fan’s shouting as passed by after another successful concert.

“I’ll always follow Sayaka’s Room!”

The producers had explained it to her.

Just think of it like an online shrine, they said.

How flattering, Satomi said.

Don’t look at it, Ayaka said.

She found herself googling it in the dead of night. The latest entry, of course, is about the recent concert. Paragraphs gush about the stage, the music, Sayaka herself, and the words…

Like a guiding star, I can’t help but look away! I’ll never stop being a Sayaker!

It’s harmless, her producers said. It’s a symbol of love, they said.

There were countless other entries. Each and every event from meet-ups to even guest appearances were oh-so lovingly documented. Every stitch and crease in her outfits was remarked upon. Even the smallest twitch did not go unnoticed.

“Sayaka’s crooked smile chips away my heart! Is she sleeping well?”

That was from an event where she nearly collapsed backstage. Ayaka had given her such an earful.

“Oh, Sayaka! How I wish I could chase away the darkness that threatens your light!”

“It’s harmless,” she repeats to herself as she scrolls. “It’s a symbol of love.”

–

A couple of days later, a picture of her is posted.

It’s not of any event.

It’s her in her school uniform.

She’s laughing with her classmates. There are a couple of male classmates close by.

The comments are livid.

“It might be best,” her producers said with apologetic smiles. “If you were homeschooled from now on, Sayaka-chan.”

There are pictures posted of her heading to the station she takes home.

“As expected of Sayaka-chan! She always so dutifully gets on the train with her left foot!”

She can’t imagine what her father might think. She doesn’t tell him anything.

“It’s just love,” the producers had said. “It’s just an intense, different kind of love.”

“How about you room with me for a bit?” Ayaka asked after a long day. It’s a casual question. Ayaka doesn’t even bat an eyelash differently and Sayaka finds herself trembling as she forces out an answer.

She can’t imagine what her father might think, but she also isn’t sure he would even notice if she just…didn’t return home for a while.

–

“It’s time for Love Letters to CHARM!”

Another cheerful session. Joking and laughing. And then Sayaka goes to open up her letter and slices her fingers from the blade taped inside. Everyone goes silent. They stare at her with wide eyes, all save for one.

“Gawd, Sayaka,” Ayaka just laughs, but her stare is hard and cold. “Don’t you get enough letters?”

Without missing a beat, she snatches up one and tears it open without a preamble.

“You’re my guiding light!” she gushes in a fake, high-pitched voice. “So pure and shining! Don’t let anyone overshadow you! Oi, oi, what are the rest of us, chopped liver?”

“A… Ayaka!” Satomi gasped. “It’s rude to look at other people’s letters!”

Sayaka joins in the laughter as her blood stains the envelope red, red, red. Someone outside the recording booth is already screaming to get the first aid team.

“I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that! I certainly don’t feel that way!”

Someone is rushing with the first aid kit.

“After all, you girls are everything to me!”

One of them just bursts into tears. Ayaka teases her for being soft. Satomi’s gaze flickers nervously. And Sayaka is pulled into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry,” is whispered oh so pitifully into her ear, away from the microphone. “I’m so, so, sorry.”

Sayaka’s fingers are bandaged up but they finish the session. The staff is the one that opens the letters now, all of them tentative and with utensils to make sure none of the others are dangerous. When done, they set the opened letters in front of each girl that the letter is for.

“I’m glad you don’t go to public school anymore,” one letter says. “Those pigs would’ve dirtied you.”

“You’re too pure for us normies,” another says.

“I’ll always forgive you, Sayaka-chan,” is written in a crude scrawl.

Are these letters really for her?

–

Sayaka’s Room is going strong. And now she can feel the blogger’s eyes where she goes. She’s painfully aware of someone following her as she’s shopping for groceries to prepare dinner with Ayaka. They’re unremarkable in every way and always on their phone. They would slip under the radar of any other person.

Sayaka glances at them. They flinch. She smiles. They look so dazzled.

They’re not even shy about snapping her picture.

It doesn’t show up on the blog. They must’ve thought that smile was for them alone.

In a way, it was. Treat someone like they’re special and they’re all the more likely to follow you even if it’s to the ends of the earth.

–

The Crane Wife was one of her favorite stories growing up if only because it was one of the precious few that her father read to her at night.

There really had been something sweet and melancholy about it, namely about the woman who plucked her own feathers for her lover’s sake.

Plucking herself thin so that she could support him. Essentially destroying herself for his financial gain. It was a romantic sacrifice and how she justified her father’s absence as time went on.

But sometimes, her mind wandered within the story.

If the crane wife had never fled, what would happen?

Surely, her lover would make her promise not to hurt herself anymore, right? Surely, he’d work harder to support them without needing to sacrifice her, right?

Except… Life could be hard, sometimes. Money still needed to be made if you were to survive.

What were another few feathers when you’re looking to preserve your livelihood?

If that man never let the crane wife escape, then what would’ve happened? Would she be plucked until all that remained was a naked corpse to cook and consume?

Or would she have snapped and stabbed her once lover through the heart with her sharp beak?

The human chest was surprisingly durable despite the heart being such a fragile thing, but if the crane wife could slip her beak between those ribs like so…

(Sayaka twisted the knife, digging it in deep. The red bloomed under her gloved hand like a rose.)

The heart really was such a fragile thing, she thought.

–

She returned to her place with Ayaka soon after that to strip away the blood-soaked clothes and gloves. It was Ayaka who ran the bath afterward at just the temperature she liked.

“It’s no problem, Saya,” Ayaka said like it was nothing. “I have a couple of favors I needed to pull anyway. No one will ever know.”

Ayaka squeezed her shoulder, and Sayaka very nearly sank deeper into the water. It took everything in her to not curl up and scream.

“So,” Ayaka began, speaking slowly like she was approaching a cornered animal. “How are you feeling?”

Sayaka breathed in. She breathed out.

“The funny thing is that once I decided to kill them… It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it’d be to actually…do it. I think that swimsuit photoshoot was harder.”

“I can believe that,” Ayaka sighed. “Well, I already called some guys to get rid of the body. And the detective said that the guy was just some loser shut-in, so no one’s gonna be looking for them. Not even their family. They were disowned years ago.”

Sayaka clenched her hand into a fist against her thigh.

“That makes things way easier.” Ayaka patted her head like she was a child. “Next time, don’t worry about getting your hands dirty. I’m always here to help, Saya. I promise.”

Sayaka leaned into her embrace, not saying another word as she soaked.

–

There was a boy she liked in middle school. She started liking him after she saw him carry a crane across the campus no matter how much the crane protested and flapped. He held onto that crane securely even as he struggled.

What a pure and earnest boy.

She wondered what he would think of someone like her if he knew the truth.

Would he still…?

[problamticsideanna]

[magioftheseas]

Honest Feelings

Summary: In the end, Sayaka thinks back to those she liked and those she didn't.

Rating: T

Warnings: References to canon violence and death.

Notes: I forgot to cross-post this... Similar to the Kaito fic from a while back, I wanted to write a short introspective piece with Sayaka. She’s still my best girl. Features also Ayaka who is criminally underrated even for a udg target. ;w;

***Alternate Ao3 Link*** Commission? Donate?

The first person she liked was Ayaka. Ayaka didn’t like her at first, or at least she said as much to her face shortly after they met.

“It must be nice to be born with the kind of face that everyone likes!” Ayaka had cackled. “That can make things a lot easier...but it can also make things a lot harder if you’re unlucky. I wish you luck, Mai-zo-no-san.”

Ayaka was sharp-tongued and often irritable. While everyone else was preppy and cheerful, Ayaka would always go on the offensive, tearing down any perceived flaws without missing a beat. It had been clear from the start that Ayaka was as perceptive as she was talented, and any nasty comments directed at her were brushed off with a sneer.

Sayaka couldn’t help but admire that. Ayaka continually being so unimpressed just motivated her to push forward. She liked Ayaka, but she wouldn’t be surprised if Ayaka despised her. For the longest time, she had even assumed as much.

And then, Ayaka got between her and a bottle of water that someone threw. It had just been water. Only water, but...

“Calm down, Maizono-san,” Ayaka had snapped as she towel-dried her hair. “You’re acting like that creep threw acid at me.”

She had liked Ayaka. She had really liked Ayaka.

When Ayaka gave her a cheeky smile; when Ayaka said she was fine and swung her arms around while joking about wiping that creep out...

It was then that Sayaka realized she might’ve been a little bit in love. Shortly after, she thought about how that love would cause more and more people to try and hurt her if it ever got out.

Be better, she thought to herself. You have to be someone who can protect everyone.

(Ayaka never stopped being the one who protected her and the others.)

--

“Is everything alright, Maizono-san? Are you suuuure?”

When Enoshima asked that with a pouting face, she had been...grateful? Irritated? Why? While Enoshima could play the part of overly familiar and vapid, it didn’t mean she was stupid. If anything, Enoshima should’ve reminded her of her groupmates. She does know that Megumi was a huge fan.

Megumi had even modeled herself after Enoshima on occasion.

“I heard!” Enoshima had exclaimed right into her ear. It wasn’t necessary. There wasn’t anyone in the garden except them. Sayaka had come in for some peace and quiet, but... “Have you really been getting harassed lately?!”

“It’s unfortunate,” Sayaka could only sigh. “But someone took a picture of the last sports festival.”

She was just trying to be a good friend. Cheering for Naegi. Congratulating him... And this was her ‘reward’ for it.

“I’m more worried about Naegi-kun. He says he’s fine, but...” She does worry her lower lip. “Kirigiri-san is looking into whoever did it... Everyone’s been so anxious. That’s the last thing I wanted.”

“Well, yeah! You got a stalker!” Enoshima huffed, waving her hand about. “That sorta thing MEGA sucks, y’know?! It’s sweet that you’re thinking about our class, but... What about you, huh? Are you okay?”

She’s annoyed to be asked, but Enoshima is just being considerate, right?

“It’s unfortunate.” She sighs again. “But it’s...normal for idols.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Enoshima said. “For the record, it’s bullshit that you can’t even date.”

...it...

“Naegi-kun and I aren’t like that.” She twitched. Just a little. “Your sister...likes him, and I think they’re a much better pair.”

Enoshima scowls. It’s just for a moment. So quick it could be misconstrued as a trick of the light, but Sayaka knew better.

“But what about you?” Enoshima’s pressing now. “Are you okay or what?”

It’s just cynicism, Sayaka had thought. Enoshima-san isn’t a bad person. She’s worried, not malicious. She’s different from Ayaka, but...

...if.

If she hadn’t turned her face back then... She wonders what would’ve happened.

Would it have made a difference?

If she hadn’t smiled so brightly.

If she hadn’t said, “I’m okay, Enoshima-san. Thank you for worrying about me.”

If she hadn’t said, “You’re a good person.”

If she had actually taken in how Enoshima’s face twitched—how Enoshima forced a smile right back...

“Well, we’re classmates, right? Mai-zo-no-saaaan?”

Enoshima cackled, like a flame. Right before it blazes. But as Sayaka hadn’t been burned, she overlooked it.

--

I didn’t like Enoshima-san.

It’s ridiculous that she can admit that to herself now. It doesn’t even matter anymore.

The people I like best—are honest ones. With earnest feelings. The kind of person I could never be.

Even when everything seemed so sublime, that had been the case. In all their time together, Sayaka was never able to open her heart to anyone. Not to her classmates who she acted so close to, not to Ayaka, and especially not to Naegi.

Oh, Naegi. He was so earnest and likable. Now that she remembers, she can’t stop the tears from flowing. It hurts. It hurts so much, and her vision is blurring, but she can still see the scarlet of her blood...flowing into the drain.

Naegi had earnestly sworn to protect her. Like Ayaka. To repay him, she plotted a betrayal. Had she always been so...cruel? Or was it an act of despair? Was Enoshima proud?

As she writes the letters, she breathes. It wouldn’t make a difference. She was dying.

I didn’t like Kuwata-kun, either. Please...don’t forgive either of us, Naegi-kun.

“...rry... Sorry... Everyone. I wish... I could sing with you all again...”

I really was too greedy. If Ayaka is out there, I bet she’ll curse me out. Like she did before.

Despite everything, that precious memory caused a smile to crack upon her face.

If the others see the message she left behind, then they won’t be fooled. There’s no coming back, but she hopes they can still find a way forward. Despite everything. She hopes that they can find a way to protect one another.

Maybe if anyone can find a way, it’s Naegi. He’s still so earnest, still so likable—Sayaka can entrust the class to him. She’s sure of it.

“I hope...you find happiness, too, Enoshima...san.”

And within her last words, there underlies a message she had no doubt that Enoshima would get.

Go to hell.

Ayaka would be proud of that if nothing else.

[magioftheseas]

For the character + au meme, sayaka in royalty au?

Yoyo~

I decided to include DRAE characters because why not.

Royalty AU

Posture, balance, grace, smile…

She may not be Sonia, but her smile is certainly dazzling enough when introducing herself to new members of the court and to other royals.

Her father the king may have been an emotionally distant man, but he still introduced her with such pride and majesty.

“Still, Princess-sama,” Ayaka sighed. “You shouldn’t be surprised when Our King is more focused on building ties with other kingdoms rather than the ones within our own.”

“You should call me Sayaka when we’re alone,” she sighed back.

“I don’t want to slip and call you that when we aren’t,” Ayaka replied without missing a beat. “It’s best I don’t stray from your title.”

Sayaka frowned, but it wasn’t like she didn’t understand so she said nothing more on the matter.

Protesting will just get me scolded.She pouted.

“…Oh no, don’t do thaaaaat,” Ayaka droned in a way most familiar. “Our Princess-sama is the face of our kingdom it simply won’t do to have her pretty face marred by a frown! Tut, tut!”

Sayaka turned away stubbornly but she still burst into giggles when Ayaka began tickling her sides.

“Smile, Princess-sama, smiiiiiile!”

“No! No, Ayaka, mercy! Mercy!”

“Smile, smile, smile!”

“Hahaha! Haha! Noooooo!”

“Ahem.”

The two froze, turning slowly and tentatively to Hiroko, clearing her throat.

“Ah,” Hiroko grinned and waved her hand. “Oh, no, don’t mind me. Please continue.”

Sayaka tackled Ayaka after that.