#haha i should go edit all of my old scans and fix them up as well

[subarashiihibi]

i finally figured out to scan things and make them look nice so i’ve been scanning all my favorite izayas that dont have proper hq scans this is like an early christmas present for myseld

[displacedhobbit]

Update: Greater Than Gold

AN – Uhm, so, yea. Quarantine has been a good time for me to sit down and write, so here we are. I started this story about 8 years ago. It’s drifted in and out of my thoughts pretty regularly in that time. In my absence, I’ve been scribbling down thoughts, moments, plots. I can honestly say the story is mostly finished, it’s just a matter of editing and figuring out what I want to include and reordering events to make them chronologically correct(ish).

Anyway, I fully expect that most people who have been following this story are long gone, have moved on to different fandoms, and forgotten my words. I just want to see it through.

This chapter takes us part way through the quest, to Rivendell. There will be at least one more chapter before the conclusion. And probably two endings, haha.

Warnings: Violence, some swearing.

Also on FF.net and AO3

Chapter 25: Eighty-Two and Seventy-Seven - Part 1

Word Count (chapter): 8035

It’s time.

He scans the room once more, ensuring that everything he will need for his journey has been packed. He’d made list after list and double-checked them all. He was prepared, he was ready , but he drew little comfort from that knowledge. As Dwalin had reminded him, there were no guarantees in the wild. He hurriedly paces his bedroom, scouring it for anything that he may have missed as worry claws at him.

It was time .

Not so long ago, he’d accepted that this day would never come, that Erebor would be lost to him forever. And now, now he was ready to walk out of the doors of the home he’d built in the Ered Luin, likely never to return. So much of his own blood, sweat, and tears had gone into establishing this home for his people. Nostalgia fills him; this was where he had raised his boys. There are thousands of memories here, most of them good, but the bad ones that clung around the halls like ghosts, catching him off guard when he least expected it, reminding him of all that had been lost.

But still, while he was proud of the life he had created for his people here, from practically nothing, he longed to bring them home . To let those who had fled Erebor with him walk among the halls once more. To let the children who’d only heard of it in stories gape wide-eyed at their homeland. To let them, all of them, know safety and security and belonging after being cast out and forgotten for so long. To let the stories or Erebor become real for Durin’s Folk once again.

There’s a soft knock at the door. “Come in,” he calls, calming his pacing and busying himself with checking his bags one last time.

“Dwalin just arrived,” Kíli says quietly, taking in his uncle’s somber mood. He looks nervous, and Thorin can hardly fault him. This would take his boys far from the only home they’d ever known, across the expanse of Middle Earth to a home they’d only longed for because of him .

“Come here,” Thorin requests, and his youngest nephew crosses the room with haste. He immediately pulls him into a tight embrace, feels the tension in his youngest nephew’s back. “It is time, isn’t it?”

He feels Kíli nod against his shoulder as the lad tightens his grip on him. “Be careful,” he murmurs. Though his tone is soft, it is stern, and Thorin knows that his words are a command, not a request.

Thorin kisses his temple, squeezing him one last time before releasing him. “Come. We must not keep your brother and Dwalin waiting,” he says, reaching for his bags. Kíli grabs one of them, carrying it with him as they leave the room. Thorin holds back, casting one last glance around, before following Kíli to the living room where Dwalin and Fíli are quietly conversing.

“Ready to go?” Dwalin asks cheerfully, clapping a hand on Fíli’s shoulder. Thorin can tell that he’s deliberately keeping the mood light to brighten his spirits, and he is grateful for it. His heart has longed for Erebor since the day the wretched dragon came, but even he cannot deny that parts of Ered Luin will always feel like home. It still feels impossibly hard to leave.

“Aye,” he murmurs. “Should be able to make good time with this early of a start.” He looks to Fíli. “Come here, lad,” he calls, and wraps his heir into a tight embrace.

Fíli heaves a sigh as he hugs him closer still. “Please be careful,” he echoes his brother’s words.

“I will,” he promises, dropping a quick kiss to his forehead as he shifts to hold him out at arm’s length. “Take care of each other,” he says, regarding Kíli as well. “I will see you in Bree.” He pulls Fíli back into another embrace, reaching for Kíli as well.

He holds both of his boys tight, breathing with them to calm his nerves. He refuses to entertain the possibility that this will be the last time he sees them. “I love you both,” he murmurs, throat tight at the admission. It isn’t often that he voices his affection for the lads, and he feels both of them hug him tighter at his words.

“And I love this whole sorry lot,” Dwalin confesses as he joins in, wrapping a bone crushing embrace around the three of them. Kíli lets out a rough laugh, one that shows just how tight with emotion his throat has become, and Thorin feels his heart lurch as he desperately squashes the dark visions creep into his mind again.

Dwalin gives another squeeze before pulling away. “Alright, lads, we’ve got to be off now.” Thorin is fairly certain he sees the glimmer of a tear in his old friend’s eye and knows that it pains Dwalin just as much as it does him to leave.

“Two weeks,” Thorin says as they separate. “Oin and Gloin will be ahead of you; they’ll send word if there are any signs of trouble. Bofur, Bifur, and Bombur will be three days behind you.” Thorin adjusts his hold on his pack, before reaching for the bag Kíli had carried into for him earlier. “Be careful, lads,” he all but whispers, reaching for his nephews once more to touch his forehead to each of theirs. “We will see you in Bree.” If his voice cracks, none of them comment on it.

“Good luck,” Kíli says, his voice coming out overly loud in their otherwise stiflingly quiet home, and though he has put on a brave face, Thorin can see how his eyes are watering. A glance toward Fíli shows that he does not fare much better.

“Stay safe, lads,” Dwalin says, speaking when Thorin finds himself unable to due to the lump that has lodged itself in his throat. He claps a hand on both of the boy’s shoulders, squeezing them gently as he does. “We’ll see you soon.”

No one is able to find any more words as Thorin and Dwalin finish preparing to leave. They pause for one more round of embraces, and no one comments on the mistiness of all of their eyes.

Without a sound, Thorin and Dwalin depart the dwelling, with Fíli and Kíli trailing behind them, heading through the still halls in the early morning. Being up before most of the settlement makes their journey quicker than normal, and soon they reach the mouth of Thorin’s Halls, where the early dawn light slips through the open gates.

Thorin turns to regard his nephews once more, taking in their faces and committing them to memory, just in case. Surprisingly, it is Fíli who blinks out a tear, so Thorin reaches for him first, curling his fingers around the back of his neck and knocking their foreheads together with a tenderness he was sure he had lost in the last few years. From the corner of his eye, he sees Dwalin do the same to Kíli, and once he is ready he breaks his embrace with his eldest to trade places. When they part, Kíli gives him a brave, albeit shaky, smile, and Thorin feels a wave of emotion wash over him.

He doesn’t deserve these boys. He doesn’t deserve their love, he knows, but he cherishes it all the same.

“We will see you in Bree,” he says once more with a steady voice, willing himself to believe it. This part of the journey makes him anxious, when they will all be setting out at different times, following different paths before reaching the main road…he will not be able to protect them in the wilds, but he trusts that their training is enough to keep them safe.

He will rest easier once they are all reunited.

As he and Dwalin turn to greet the misty morning, he doesn’t dare look back to the gate. He keeps his gaze forward, on to the port at the Gray Havens where he will meet with Dain’s men, then to Bree to reconvene with the company, then to Erebor. He mustn’t look back; not now. He’s come too far for that.

His eyes are fixed on home .

------

It doesn’t take long for them to set up camp for the night; he and Kíli are well practiced at it. But his brother is unusually fidgety and cautious, his eyes keep flitting toward the tree line as if the darkness itself is going to creep into their campsite. While Fíli has removed his scabbards and set his swords to the side for the night, Kíli’s bow stays slung on his shoulder, and though his brother has laid his sword down, his hunting knife is still tucked into his waistband.

The camping is familiar; they’ve done it dozens, if not hundreds of times before on hunting trips. The setting is not . Kíli has never been this far from home, far enough that the Blue Mountains sit on the horizon and the trees are becoming sparser every day, giving way to rolling fields of tall, tall grasses. Thorin has taken Fíli on enough trips that the road feels almost comfortable for him, but Kíli is all jittery and full of nervous energy. With every day it gets slightly worse, and Fíli hopes that once they reunite with Thorin and the rest of the company that he’ll settle down.

“Should only be a few more days until we get to Shire,” Fíli murmurs, stretching his arms behind his back as he speaks. “And then maybe two more days to Bree. I can’t wait to have a soft pillow under my head again.”

Kíli makes noncommittal noise in the back of his throat, eyes still scanning the edge of the forest.

“Hey,” he calls again, waiting until his brother’s gaze turns to him instead. “Come here.” He pats the ground next to him. “Boots off. Feet by the fire. Relax. I mean it,” he adds when Kíli very nearly rolls his eyes at him.

Kíli settles in by his side, pressed too close as always, but Fíli takes advantage of this position to sneak his bow off his shoulder. Kíli shoots him a look, but just sighs and unbuckles his quiver and lays it next to his bow. He looks tired. Fíli wraps his arm around his shoulder, smiling when his brother instinctively lays his head down on his shoulder. “Maybe we’ll even have an ale or two,” Kíli murmurs sleepily, and Fíli’s smile pulls even wider.

“I mean no offence to Mister Bombur, but the ale in Bree is much better than his,” he says, chuckling at Kíli’s feigned gasp of disbelief.

“Traitor,” he teases, “I’ll tell him. He’ll only have you drink the skunked ale from here on out.”

Fíli chuckles at him. “You wouldn’t. I’d bring you down with me,” he promises.

Suddenly, Kíli’s head snaps up from his shoulder, and his dark eyes focus on the edge of the clearing. His hands reach instinctively for his bow, fumbling for a moment before he finds where Fíli set it down.

“What’s wrong?” Fíli whispers, but is immediately hushed by his brother. Then he hears it, too, the soft crunching of underbrush in the distance.

Someone is coming.

Fíli immediately reaches for his scabbard and pulls his sword free, eyes intently watching his brother. Kíli has always been able to see better at night than him, better at using his senses to locate prey moving stealthily through the woods, so he knows it is best to follow his lead.

Silently, Kíli pulls an arrow and nocks it in his bow. The sound of snapping branches gets louder. Whoever is encroaching on their camp is making no means to be quiet about it. Kíli starts to draw, his eyes narrowed, focused on something that Fíli cannot see.

“Oy, don’t shoot me, laddie!” Bofur’s unmistakable tenor sounds through the woods, and Kíli relaxes, muttering a curse under his breath.

“Mahal, Bofur!” Fíli exasperates. “You nearly scared the life out of me!”

“Good thing he didn’t hear you talking about his ale,” Kíli teases, smirk playing at his lips even as his shoulders stay tense.

“Sorry, lads,” Bofur says as he, Bifur, and Bombur finally reach the clearing. “Wasn’t completely sure it was you all we were coming up on.”

“You’re supposed to be three days behind us,” Fíli says, as he and his brother cross the clearing to meet the other dwarves, helping them deposit their supplies to set up camp.

“Got a raven the day after you left. Thorin wanted us to catch up to you and head to Hobbiton instead,” Bombur explains, already digging in his pack for his cooking supplies. “Forgot to pack some of my spices in our haste to leave, but we should be able to make due until we can purchase more provisions,” he says with a wry smile.

Kíli shakes his head and laughs at him. “Priorities, honestly,” he murmurs, and then signs something quickly to Bifur in Iglishmek that makes the older dwarf laugh as well.

“Did he say why?” Fíli asks as they all settle around the fire, where Bombur has immediately taken to seasoning the rabbits they’d had roasting there. “Is something wrong?”

Bofur shakes his head. “Nah, didn’t seem to be anything amiss, though it’s hard to tell in a letter. Didn’t use any of ‘em code words, so I suppose it’s all right.” He reaches into the pocket of his overcoat and pulls out a piece of parchment, handing it to Fíli.

Before leaving, the company had settled on a few phrases that sounded innocent enough that Thorin was comfortable sending through the ravens, but held special meaning for them, and them alone. The ale’s gone stale meant that Dain’s men had crossed them, or This town reeks of tall folk meant that they were under threat of attack.

It doesn’t surprise him at all when Kíli’s head appears behind his, reading the letter over his shoulder. Bofur was right, there isn’t anything off about the message, just that their meeting place had changed and they were to look for a door with a particular rune on it once they reached Hobbiton. Straight and to the point.

“Gets you to your soft pillow and decent ale sooner,” Kíli murmurs, smirking at him when Bofur looks up in surprise.

“Oy! What’s wrong with my ale, laddie?”

------

They wander the narrow trails of Hobbiton, passing a glance at each door they pass to check for the rune. Bofur and his kin had decided to refresh themselves at the inn before reuniting with the company (with some “ decent ale ,” Bofur had teased), but Fíli and Kíli were anxious to see their uncle again, so they’d headed on.

“What if we’re the first ones there?” Kíli asks, idly chewing on a piece of grass. They nod in greeting to a hobbit that passes them with a wide berth, giving them a peculiar look all the while and muttering something about strange folk in the town once they’d passed. From his lessons, he knew that Hobbiton was fairly isolated and wary of outsiders, so he paid it no mind.

“Then I suppose Master Boggins will have to entertain us for a short while,” Fíli answers easily. “Though I should think Thorin, Dwalin, and Balin should be there already.”

He pauses, and regards his brother with interest. “I thought it was Baggins?”

Fíli’s eyes narrow in thought. “I’m fairly certain it was Boggins,” he affirms. “Hey, do you see that?” he asks, pointing toward a house on a hill. There’s a small thing at the base of the door, shimmering in the glowing moonlight. “That’s got to be the mark, don’t you think?”

Kíli nods in agreement, and they set off up the hill. “I hope he has food,” he grumbles lightly, suddenly wishing he had stopped at the inn with Bofur.

“I’m certain he will,” Fíli assures him. “No one in their right mind would host thirteen dwarves without preparing a proper meal first.”

------

It’s been raining for days . Kíli is certain that even his bones are soaked through at this point; he’s forgotten what it meant to be dry. The entire company had been right miserable, Thorin most of all, as they’d continued trudging along, hoping that the rain would either let up or they’d come across a town with an inn where they could warm up and sleep.

Even Fíli’s normally cheery mood had soured; he’d snapped at him earlier that morning for simply trying to start a conversation with him. It was early in the afternoon (at least, he thought it was; it was hard to tell with the overcast sky and the monotony of the road) when Kíli slowed his pony down and shifted to the back of their traveling party to ride next to Mister Baggins (oh, he would need to get his brother back for that one later).

The hobbit looked as miserable as he did, and so Kíli decided to ride by him in companionable silence instead of trying to force conversation.

“This is not at all what I was expecting,” the hobbit – Bilbo – utters bitterly, furiously wiping rain from his face. “Not like any of my walking holidays at all! None of the adventures in my books talk about how utterly mundane this all is.”

Kíli chuckles lightly. “I must agree,” he admits. “Though I’ve never been on quite such a journey before. I suppose I didn’t really know what to expect.”

Bilbo adjusts himself on his saddle. “And these ponies! I much prefer the ground under my feet, thank you!”

He glances down toward the hobbit’s feet. “Wouldn’t that be painful?” he asks without thinking, forgetting his manners and Balin’s teachings about the ways of hobbits. Were his teacher within earshot, he would have gotten a lecture for certain.

“You know, with as hardy as dwarves are supposed to be, you’d think your feet could handle some rough terrain,” Bilbo replies, unbothered, a mirthful expression on his face that makes Kíli laugh and forget the rain for a moment.

Gloin tosses an irritated look back at them, clearly still disgruntled from the rain, which makes Bilbo downright giggle in response.

“The rain’s making ‘em delirious back there,” Bofur teases good-naturedly, which only earns him a scoff from Gloin.

They lapse into a comfortable silence, and for a while, the rain doesn’t feel so stifling.

-----

Bilbo wakes with a start. He’s not been too keen on sleeping on the ground in the first place, but it’s made worse by the fact that he thinks there was something crawling on him just then. He fumbles out of his bedroll, dusting himself off where he swears something just slithered across his legs. The fire has burned low and is casting strange shadows around their camp, giving him all the more reason to feel anxious about a creeping visitor in the night.

He knows he won’t find sleep anytime soon, so he looks to see who is on watch, thinking that perhaps he will keep them company for a while or maybe relieve them early if they’re tired. It’s Kíli that’s watching him from where he is propped up against a tree trunk, a small little smirk gracing his lips that lets Bilbo know he saw his miniature freak out, and he has the decency to at least blush a little before he makes his way over to him. Fíli is asleep beside him, half curled into his side and using his little brother’s leg as a pillow.

“Can’t sleep, Mister Baggins?” he asks as soon as Bilbo sits beside him, a smile clearly evident in his voice. He likes Kíli, he knows. The young dwarf is always full of energy and is overly kind to him, which is something that could not be said for the rest of the company.

“No,” he answers. “We don’t all have the luxury of your brother to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, no matter where.”

Kíli chuckles before glancing down at his brother, affection clear in his features. “A bit annoying, really. He tricked me into watch. Said he wanted someone to keep him company and then dropped right off.”

Bilbo laughs as well; it does certainly sound like something Fíli would do. The lads had broken up the monotony of the journey by playing pranks on one another, much to the amusement of the company (he’d even seen Thorin crack a smile at their antics). “I could take over for you, if you want,” he offered. “I’ll be imagining things squirming around my bedroll for the rest of the night, I suppose.”

Kíli gives him a light smile, but he notices how it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I can’t really sleep either,” he admits, and there’s something about him that just looks so off and vulnerable in that moment that Bilbo suddenly realizes how young Kíli must be.

Eventually he fishes out his pipe and fills it, offering some to Kíli, who simply shakes his head. He takes a long drag, tastes the Shire and home , and it brings a bit of peace back to him. He watches Kíli for a moment, notices how his gaze keeps flickering from one sleeping dwarf to the next, to the treetops and the stars, to the fire.

“How old are you, Kíli?” he asks eventually, curiosity getting the better of him, even if it may not be proper to ask such a bold question at this time of night.

If Kíli is surprised by his question, he doesn’t show it, but his eyes do stop their wandering and eventually settle Thorin. “Seventy-seven,” he answers.

Bilbo raises an eyebrow. He is only fifty, and hadn't imagined that Kíli could be older than him, but he thinks he remembers from one of his books that dwarrows live a good bit longer than hobbits. “When do dwarrows come of age?” he asks, and notices that Kili almost blushes, but it could be a trick of the firelight.

“At eighty,” he answers. “The company had to vote to let me come or not.” He swallows thickly, and Bilbo knows there’s something else he wants to say, so he gives him time to speak. Eventually the young dwarf just sighs and shakes his head.

Bilbo lets out a long sigh. “I don’t think I would have ever been able to convince my parents to let me journey so far before I was of age,” he comments, searching for familiar patterns in the stars, silence stretching between them.

“My parents have been gone a long time,” Kíli eventually murmurs. “It’s just me and Fíli. Always has been.”

Bilbo curses his boldness. There’s a sadness in the lad’s voice that he’s not heard before, and he hates that his curiosity puts it there. Yet, it explained why the brothers were so close, much closer than any of the other siblings in the company. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

Kíli doesn’t reply, but Bilbo sees the soft smile that tugs at the corner of his lips. The dwarf isn’t cross with him, which comes as a huge relief.

“I had forgotten that dwarrows live much longer than hobbits,” he eventually says, breaking the silence and steering the conversation down a different path, puffing on his pipe thoughtfully. “But no doubt you’ve had plenty of time for adventures in seventy-seven years?”

Kíli gives him a lopsided grin. “I’m just as green as you, Mister Baggins,” he admits. “Up until a few months ago, I’d never left Ered Luin.”

Bilbo is quite certain that his jaw drops, drawing a light chuckle from Kíli. 

“Well, sometimes Mister Dwalin and I would go on hunting trips, but they were never far away or for very long,” he explains. “And I went out on patrol around Ered Luin, but still, not far.”

“Oh,” is all Bilbo can think to reply. The lad had seemed so at ease in the wilds; he had just assumed Kíli had more experience than most, especially having been chosen for such an important quest. Bravery must be in no short supply for dwarrow, he reasoned. “Well then, I hope you are at least not as afraid of everything as I am.”

Kili’s gaze flickered down. “I am,” he admits quietly, and Bilbo wonders how in the world he can possibly be afraid, because he is always sent out scouting and climbing trees and hunting, typically with a smile and an eagerness not possessed by the rest of the company. But really, he realizes, Kili is still just a child, one who has never been away from home before.

“Is that why you can’t sleep?” he ventures, and Kíli just nods. Bilbo offers him his pipe again, but he refuses again. “Well, I’ll look after you if you decide to nod off. I can keep watch until morning.”

That soft, kind smile returns. “Thank you,” he murmurs quietly, and Bilbo can hear the sincerity in his words.

The comfortable silence descends over them once again, and Bilbo focuses on his pipe, idly humming fragments of a mostly forgotten lullaby from his childhood, the words dancing around his mind but flitting just out of reach. He wonders how he’s forgotten the words but can hear his mother’s voice clear as day, wonders if Kíli does the same with old dwarven lullabies. He turns to ask, but to his pleasant surprise sees that Kíli’s eyes have slipped closed, his head resting back against the tree trunk, chest rising and falling with steady, even breaths, lulled to sleep by the pleasant smell of pipe smoke and Bilbo’s humming.

Bilbo smiles, feeling immeasurably proud of himself as he settles in to keep watch for the next few hours.

He doesn’t see the fire glinting from Thorin’s eyes, who quietly watches him with a growing fondness.

-----

Lightning cracks across the sky, followed by another booming rumble of thunder. He and Kíli are working quickly to get the rest of the ponies tied to some trees, to keep the spooked beasts from fleeing in the night. As it is, Fíli feels fairly certain that one or more of them will be missing before the dawn. He deftly ties the reigns of the last of his ponies, before looking back at Kíli to see if he’s almost done. He cannot wait to be back under the cover of the outcropping of rocks they had found just before the skies opened up in this deluge.

His brother is on the last of his ponies, Minty, and Fíli begins to trudge over to help him along. Another bolt of lightning streaks the sky, bathing the entire wood in an eerie blue light, with the impossibly loud crack of thunder coming immediately after. Fíli sees Minty rear up in fear before sprinting off. Frantically, Fíli’s eyes search for his brother in the suddenly dark wood, but he cannot see him - the place where Kíli stood moments ago is empty.

“Fee!” he hears in the distance, and with a sickening feeling he realizes that Kíli must be caught up in Minty’s reigns, being dragged alongside her as she flees.

“We need help!” he screams in the direction of their encampment, before tearing off after the pony. Lightning illuminates the forest once more, and Fíli can see them, can see Kíli’s arm trapped in Minty’s reigns as his brother tries to pull himself free. He pushes himself faster, sprinting through the brush of the forest to catch them. Another flash reveals the stream they’d forded earlier, and with relief he realizes that Minty will likely stop at its banks - she’d been the most reluctant to cross it. He’ll be able to catch them and get his brother loose.

He trips over a branch, falls face first into the underbrush, and hears a large splash from ahead.

“No, no,” he breathes, scrambling to his feet. The next flash of lightning reveals Minty’s head barely above the tumultuous waters as she frantically tries to cross, with Kíli nowhere in sight. “Kíli!”

He reaches the streambank just as Minty pulls herself up on the other side, reigns cut. Kíli must have managed to free himself, but he’s still nowhere to be seen.

Panic grips at him as he scans the turbid waters, searching for any sign of his brother. Behind him, he hears someone calling out, but he can’t focus on who it is or what they’re saying. Another flash of lightning and he sees him, at least the blue of his hood, farther downstream. He sprints down the bank, his boots sticking in the mud, slowing him with each step, but he keeps his eyes on the hood, terrified that he will lose sight of it and his brother will be lost for good. When lightning flashes once more, he is relieved and horrified to see an outcropping of rocks blocking most of the stream flow, water rushing over and around them in their quest downstream. The rocks should stop him, and Fíli will be able to catch up.

Without thinking, he leaps into the rushing water, frantically moving forward, the water pushing him along with unforeseen might. He smashes into the rocks, his hands gripping wildly for his brother. Finally, he feels Kíli’s solid weight just under the surface and he pulls .

“Here, laddie; we’ve got ‘em,” he hears suddenly, and he looks up to see Bofur and Bifur with their arms extended. He lifts his Kíli up as well as he can, and the brothers grab him to pull him the rest of the way up. Kíli is deadweight, unmoving, and Fíli’s heart lurches in his chest as Bifur carefully carries him across the rocks and to the riverbank.

“Now you,” says Bofur, and Fíli reaches for him, grateful for his help in getting out of the stream as his legs have turned to jelly and he’s not certain he could have done it on his own. He leans heavily on the innkeeper, trying to find his brother in the darkness.

“He’s not breathing,” he hears someone say, but he can’t quite place their voice. He abruptly realizes how cold he is. Lightning flashes again, but it seems so dim. Why is everything so dark? “Someone get Oin! He’s not breathing!”

He feels the mud of the bank under his feet, but his legs give out when Bofur relinquishes his hold to let him stand. He hears thunder, and everything goes dark.

-----

“Move!” Bilbo commands, startled by his own forwardness. Dori obliges without comment, stepping aside from Kíli’s limp form, face clouded with worry. Kíli looks like hell, practically blue. Bilbo sinks to his knees beside the lad, shaking fingers brushing the hair back from his face, alarmed at how cold he is. Gently, he adjusts the lad’s head, trying to recall the rescue breathing his Brandybuck cousins had taught him ages ago when they were just children. When he pulls his hands back, he is dismayed to see them covered in blood.

“Do you know what to do?” Dori asks from behind him.

Dimly, he nods. “I think so, at least,” he admits, suddenly unsure of himself.

“Need some help over here, lads!” Bofur calls, and Bilbo looks up to see him struggling to support Fíli’s weight. Bifur rushes to help carry him, throwing Fíli’s arm over his shoulder to hoist him up. “Dori, get Oin. We’ll be right behind you.” He fixes Bilbo with a stern look. “You’ve got him ‘til they get back?”

“Yes; now go!” Bilbo orders, confidence returning as his fingers feel for the boy’s pulse along his neck, finally finding it sluggishly pounding along. He takes a deep breath, pinches Kíli’s nose, then breaths into his mouth once, then twice. The lad’s chest rises with each breath, something he vaguely remembers as a good sign, but he can’t for the life of himself remember why.

“C’mon, Kíli,” he murmurs, before breathing for him again. And again. And again. Watching between each breath for a sign of life from the lad. And again.

It can’t be like this. Not Kíli. Kíli who was so kind, and listened to his stories, and found ways to make him laugh on the darkest days of their journey. He breathes for him again. Watches. Nothing .

And Fíli! Was he alright? In shock, no doubt, from the icy chill of the water. He breathes again. Watches. Surely he would be okay, but without Kíli? Breathes again. He can’t fathom it. He’d only known them for a short time, but they were practically two souls sharing one body. Again. Again.

Again .

Kíli suddenly coughs, spurting up water as he does, before taking a rough, heaving breath. His body spasms violently as his consciousness comes back to him, grating, gasping breaths shake his entire form.

“It’s alright,” he soothes, stroking his hands along his face, his shoulders. “You’re alright, Kíli; we’ve got you.”

Oin suddenly appears beside him. “Said he wasn’t breathing?” he asks. “You did this?”

“My cousins taught me rescue breathing after one of them nearly drowned,” he explains hastily. “I think he has a head injury,” he adds, holding up his still bloodied hand as evidence.

“That arm might be broken, too,” Oin says, gesturing to Kíli’s right hand, which is already bruised and purple, swollen around his gauntlet. “C’mon, lads,” he says, and Bilbo looks up to see Gloin and Dwalin, their faces stricken with worry. “Let’s get him to the fire; Mister Baggins’ fine work will be for naught if we don’t get him warm.”

Numbly, Bilbo follows after them as they carry Kíli’s still sputtering form, hurrying through the downpour to get him under the safety of the outcrop. After what seems like an eternity, he spies the campfire in the distance. As they get closer, he can see the dwarves wrapping Fíli in furs. He’s cradled against Bofur’s chest, next to the fire, mumbling incoherently as he comes back to his senses.

Thorin is positively frantic, which strikes Bilbo as odd. He is immediately at Kíli’s side while Oin strips him of his soaking clothes, and it is Thorin who gathers the lad into his arms and wraps him tight under his furs, lips pressed close against his temple as he whispers words Bilbo cannot hear while Oin prods at his head, searching for the wound.

He feels like an intruder, like he’s watching something deeply private infold, so he slips away.

Silently, he trods off to the other side of the fire, to sit beside Fíli and Bofur. Fíli seems to have regained some of his strength - he’s not leaning on Bofur quite so much, and his eyes are focused on his brother across the fire. Bombur has placed a warm bowl of stew in his hands, and he’s cradling it gently, the tips of his fingers white with cold.

“He’s breathing?” Fíli asks as Bilbo approaches, his voice a stammering slur of words.

“He is,” Bilbo confirms as he settles himself, warming his chilled hands by the fire. Thunder rumbles again, making him jump. His adrenaline from being able to help has faded; now he just feels worried and cold. “What even happened?”

Fíli clears his throat. “I’m not quite sure,” he admits, his voice trembling. “We were tieing up the ponies. I looked over and one of them bolted, and I don’t know what happened but Kíli was...he was caught somehow...and…”

“His arm looked injured,” Bilbo said softly. “It must have gotten tangled in the reigns.”

Fíli chokes on a sob. “He went under and I couldn’t find him,” he murmurs, and Bilbo glances over at him, dismayed to see the tears pooling in his eyes. “I couldn’t help him.”

He reaches over and pats Fíli’s arm, trying his best to soothe the lad. “You did help him, Fíli. You got him out of the water. And now Oin will take good care of him.”

At that moment, Kíli lets out a pitiful wail as Oin tends to the wound on his head. Fíli starts to stand, but Bofur grabs his arm to keep him seated. “Rest, laddie,” he commands. “He’s in the best of hands.”

“I’m not leaving him alone,” Fíli asserts, and when he staggers to his feet, Bofur doesn’t stop him. Bilbo watches in barely concealed amazement as Thorin opens his arms and allows Fíli to settle into his opposite side, gingerly taking his brother’s arm into his hands to examine it. He’s never seen Thorin show a lick of affection to anyone in the company (and certainly not to him), and this raw tenderness...it’s a side of the dwarf king he hadn’t seen before.

His musing is interrupted as Bombur hands him his own bowl of stew. “It’s supposed to be a secret,” Bofur says after a moment, “but I think you’ve earned our trust.”

Bilbo regards him oddly. Their trust? Did he not already have it when he agreed to come on this blasted quest?

“They’re his nephews,” the innkeeper says, voice quiet, buried under the commotion of the camp.

“His what ?” Bilbo asks, incredulous. Slowly, the pieces click into place, his conversation with Kíli from a few nights ago catapulting to the front of his mind. Being orphaned, having to rely on his brother, being brought on the quest even though he wasn’t of age…

“He doesn’t want anyone to know because they’re his heirs - could wipe out the entire line of Durin at once if some evil sort wanted to,” he continues, still quiet. “Aside from Erebor, he loves those boys more than anything in the world. Raised ‘em himself. They may as well be his sons.”

-----

Kíli finally feels warm again, from where he is pressed against his chest. Thorin watches him as he sleeps, the subtle movement of his eyes beneath his eyelids. The fact that he is sleeping relatively peacefully is a gift that he won’t take for granted.

He truly thought they had lost him. When Oin and Dwalin had brought him back to their encampment...he was too pale, streaks of red blood on his face and neck, his arm impossibly swollen…and Fíli, his sweet Fíli, soaked to the bone and utterly terrified that he’d been too late to help his brother.

He’d been ready to scold the lads about being careless when tending to the ponies, but all of that anger, all of his appearances dissipated the second he’d heard Fíli���s frantic scream in the storm. The second he’d seen his frightened face…

He swallows thickly. Nightmares for his past swirl around his mind, horrible visions that he hoped would never come to pass. He regrets bringing them, both of them, but they’re too far gone to turn back now.

Oin had worked quickly on Kíli, finding and stitching the gash on his head, bracing his (fortunately unbroken) arm. The lad had been nearly delirious, from pain or cold or both, and Thorin had focused on talking him through what was happening, on distracting him with stories from his childhood, keeping him awake so Oin could assess the severity of his concussion. When Fíli had stumbled over he couldn’t help but gather him into his arms as well. Kíli was certainly in a more dire state, but it wasn’t lost on him that Fíli had nearly lost his life as well. If Bofur hadn’t heard his call...if he hadn’t rushed to their aid…

He couldn’t let himself dwell on that.

Holding them both so close had reminded him of when they were children, when Kíli was horribly afraid of storms and Fíli was afraid of sleeping alone, and they would both clamber into his study (where he inevitably was still up, pouring over his maps and books) and curl up on the settee together until they calmed enough to go to sleep.

But they weren’t children anymore, and they weren’t in the comfort of their home. They were in the wilds, on a quest that Thorin had no right to bring them on, no right to even ask them to come on.

The guilt gnaws at him, and he curls his arms tighter around Kíli’s sleeping form. He catches Fíli’s eye across the fire, where his heir is heating some water for the herbal tea Oin had given him for his aches. Fíli gives him a gentle smile, but Thorin sees the sadness and fear that still linger in his eyes. Thorin had held him close last night as he’d cried out his fears and blamed himself. But from the sounds of it, it was all a freak accident. No one could be blamed for this, not truly. Perhaps Minty, but the beast was only acting on instinct, and now she and her supplies were lost.

Kíli stirs slightly. Thorin peers down to be met with clouded, confused brown eyes. “You’re awake,” he says quietly, and Kíli’s brow furrows.

“Wha-” Kíli starts, his voice raspy. “What happened?”

Fíli rejoins then, smiling slightly when he sees that his brother is awake. He takes the tea he’d brewed for himself and presses it into his brother’s hands. “Minty took you for a late night swim,” he says, light tone belying the fear of the night before. “Drink this,” he adds, helping his brother lift the mug to his lips. “It’ll help you feel better.”

Kíli frowns. “Wha’s wrong with my hand?”

“Got tangled up in her reigns, I’m afraid.” Fíli explains, and Thorin is immensely grateful for his calming presence. A lump has lodged itself in his throat, and he doesn’t trust himself to speak. “Oin thinks it’s just a sprain,” he adds. “Should be right in a few days.”

Kíli quietly sips the warm tea, a soft hum of appreciation slips from the back of his throat. He lifts his head from Thorin’s chest to look around, but quickly grimaces and screws his eyes shut, letting his head fall back. “Ah, shit,” he grumbles, making Thorin chuckle, loosening the knot in his throat.

“Oin thinks your head will be off for a few days yet,” he explains. “Maybe sooner with the teas, but you’ll need to take it slow until then.”

“Thought you always said I had a thick head,” Kíli grumbles, drawing a bark of laughter from Balin nearby, which tugs a small smile to Kíli’s lips.

“Good thing, too, laddie,” Balin says, laughter still bubbling in his voice. “A knock that hard to any of the rest of this lot would have then out cold for days.” He casts a glance over to his brother. “Except for Dwalin, of course.”

Kíli laughs for real then, and Fíli joins in. Thorin feels immensely relieved to hear them sounding so much like themselves; it dissolves some of his guilt and frustration, reminding him that although they are but boys, they are strong , and loyal, and kind. It reminds him of why he included them in the company, even with his reservations, of their worth to this quest, of the rewards they would reap in Erebor.

And despite the terror of the night’s events, he feels more sure of himself than ever.

-----

“I don’t care what Uncle says about elves,” Fíli sighs contentedly, sinking into the huge, cushiony covering of the bed they’d been lent for the night. “So long as I get to sleep on this divine bed, they’re alright in my book. They’re even more hospitable than the poor hobbit was!”

“ Bilbo ,” Kíli reminds him. Having grown close to the hobbit during their adventure, he’d learned that he was particularly annoyed at being referred to simply as “the hobbit.” ( “I have a name,” he’d grumbled after Dwalin had dismissed him easily. “A perfectly good name that he’d be kind to remember!” ) Since then, Kíli had tried to use his name as often as possible.

“Yes, Bilbo,” Fíli amends. “Speaking of, what do you think of him?”

Kíli adjusts the sleeves of the robe the elves had lent them while they tended to their clothes, rolling them to keep them from covering his hands, before clammering up onto the bed with his brother. “I don’t know how he’ll fare as a burglar,” he admits, settling into the delightfully comfortable bedding. “But he is kind and honorable. A good man.”

“Mmm,” Fíli murmurs in agreement, practically falling asleep. It had been a long time since they had gone off to bed with a full belly and all of the comforts of home (though, to be true, the luxurious halls of the elves were a far cry from their modest upbringing), and Kíli would be lying if he said he wasn’t pleased with the turn of events. Elven culture was dramatically different than their own, but seeing a semblance of home , even if it wasn’t his home, had been deeply comforting.

A thought occurred to him, one that he had tried to squash down many times before, moreso now that their journey had started. He’d never properly voiced it aloud, not even to his brother.

What even was home ? Ered Luin had been the only home he had ever known, but being raised by Thorin it was always treated as a temporary solution. His days were filled with stories of Erebor, of their real home, but that’s all they were to him. Stories.

Now that the quest was proceeding, he felt a distinct fear gnawing at him. Would he even like Erebor? Thorin always spoke of the great, winding halls that carved deep into the mountain, but Kíli hated being underground for long stretches of time, much preferring the rolling, open fields or the comforting canopy of the forest. ( Elf-bred indeed , his brain mocks). If Thorin were restored to his throne, certain...responsibilities would be expected of him. He wasn’t sure he would be able to fulfill them. Fellow dwarves would be depending on them, and he was right terrified of letting them down, of not being up to the task.

He knew in many ways Fíli felt the same way - that their upbringing precluded him from being a suitable heir to Thorin’s throne, that he also feared not being adequate for their people. But Fíli didn’t see himself the way Kíli did - the way their fellow dwarves in the settlement saw him. He was assured and just and kind. He was skilled on the battlefield and had proven his worth as a soldier and general in his time on patrol. 

And then there was the unspoken truth about his birth - he was the spare. Part of him didn’t even dare to hope that he would ever even see the halls of Erebor, which is maybe why he couldn’t picture where he would fit. He’d already nearly lost his life thrice already -  most recently this morning, when he’d covered the company as they’d fled the band of orc hunting them, jagged arrows narrowly missing him. Then there was the business with the trolls, and not to mention how he almost got himself drowned (purely on accident, at that!). The wizard had alluded to the fact that the danger would increase the farther they traveled - that Rivendell would be their last safe sanctuary for quite some time.

He drew up the map of their road in his mind. Idly, he wondered at which point he would meet his demise.

“You’re not sleeping,” Fíli groggily mumbles, arm blindly flopping around to find him. “Go t’sleep.”

Kíli rolls, curling up against his brother’s side, squashing down his dark thoughts once again. Fíli already has so much to worry about; he doesn’t want to burden him further, especially knowing how much theorizing about his own end distresses his brother. 

He focuses instead, on happier memories, in particular on a foraging trip he had taken with Fíli and Dwalin through the woods surrounding Ered Luin on a perfect autumn day, the leaves swirling around them in reds and golds in the crisp breeze. They were just children, unburdened by the worries of their people. Carefree. Happy .

The sound of Fíli’s soft snoring and the comfort of their bedding eventually lulls him into a dreamless sleep.

-----

AN - I’m wrapping up the next chapter (currently rewatching the films for reference - my dumb self forgot about the whole ~arkenstone~ thing...oops).

[acklest]

Time for a rant

It’s about time we stopped this “you’re not as valid or successful if you didn’t go to college” bullshit. This attitude is practically quaint, and I’m gonna tell you why.

It’s okay to go to a community college.

It’s okay to go to a vocational school.

It’s okay to get into an apprenticeship situation where a professional trains you to work in a specific trade. In fact, we need to get back to that system.

It’s okay to get specific certifications for the field you’re interested in.

It’s okay to be self-educated. That’s what I had to do. After years of food service, phone banks, retail, clerical work, and various temp assignments, I was able to secure a decent-paying job that put food on the table. But it took me well into my 30s to get there. For the first time in my life, I had health insurance (lolol America). Now my husband is disabled and I support us. I’m extremely privileged to be able to do that.

It’s okay to be someone who dutifully works a job and then just goes home. If you’re happy enough, if you have what you need, who gives a shit? Learn from my bad example: Don’t define yourself solely by your job and how flattering it might be that your manager depends on you. it’s just a job. The days of working somewhere for 20 years and collecting a pension are a thing of the past. A corporation isn’t going to be loyal to you, so don’t be loyal to them. If you see a better opportunity, take it. At the first sign of danger to the bottom line, the corporation will put you up against the wall. They may even feel apologetic about it. But you don’t owe them shit, so be a mercenary.

Here’s how I got my first job: At age 16, as a legally-emancipated minor, I walked into a McDonald’s without an appointment. I was given a paper application. I sat at one of the booths and filled it out, then handed it to a manager, who interviewed me a few minutes later. Because I was able to deal with a human being, I was able to make a personal appeal to prove I was motivated. By the following Monday, I had a job there and was scheduled to work 30 hours a week. Was I anything special? No. I was a traumatized teenage dropout who barely had a GED via a correspondence course who had three roommates in a shitty apartment, where I was about to be kicked out if I couldn’t chip in my share of the rent, groceries and utilities. Were my answers somehow more persuasive than someone else’s would’ve been? I seriously doubt it. It was the human aspect that made it work.

This doesn’t happen anymore.

Here’s how it works now: You see a “now hiring” sign in a company’s window that instructs you to go to their website and submit an application, where countless others will join you. An algorithm scans your resume for a predefined set of keywords that no one bothered to tell you. You may have already lost any chance at the gig, and not only was no human being involved in that decision, but you have no way of knowing if you’re still in consideration. If you make the first cut, you might get a perfunctory interview where a distracted manager asks you some rote questions that they printed out, who only half-listens to your answers unless you drop one of those keywords. This manager will mark you off the list for almost any superficial reason, because they know there are dozens or hundreds of others who are also vying for the same gig. If you make that cut, you’re presented with the job as if it’s an amazing gift. And then you’re expected to give $20/hours’ worth of effort for a $7.25/hour job, or they’ll just go out on the street, throw a stick, and hit a person who’s probably just as desperate for work. On top of that, some of these jobs will expect you to have a bachelors’ degree and immediately exclude you if you don’t.

I lost a receptionist gig because I didn’t have a bachelor’s degree. A receptionist gig. “Thank God I have that Communications degree or I would NOT know how to answer these phones.”

(Don’t even get me started on unpaid internships. If you get some college credits out of it, fine. “It’ll give you something to put on your resumé” is the same as “we’ll pay you in exposure.”)

How can anyone, unless they have grants/scholarships, or a financially-secure family that’s willing to help them out, afford college without going into crippling financial debt? Spoiler alert: Most of them can’t. Back when I was being encouraged to go to college, when it was quite a bit cheaper than it is now, there was never going to be any way I could afford it. The prices have only skyrocketed since then. But here’s the gist of the problem: Millennials are being pressured into getting college degrees, and the college is so prohibitively expensive that most of them are going to be in debt well into their 30s. Oh, by the way, the book for only one of your classes is $150. The one you bought used is the previous edition. It’s all a big shakedown.

If you were able to go to college without working a part- or full-time job on the side, without going into crushing debt, have the decency to admit that you’re one of the privileged few. I’m not saying you didn’t work your ass off to get there and to get your degree. I’m saying that the experience is no longer typical, and for most people in the current generation, not viable.

That’s why I don’t have much tolerance for the whole “lol Millennials/Generation Z haha so dumb” thing that a lot of people in my generation have. AMERICA IS NOT THE SAME CULTURE OR ECONOMY THAT IT WAS, so we can’t judge the current generation by those factors. Technology has changed everything. Corporations have gotten more cold-blooded. Everything is more expensive. The banks are fucking everyone in the ass without even offering to buy dinner first. It sucks and people are out there like “you just need to get a STEM degree.” Are you gonna pay for it, Grandpa?

My son is a millennial. He still lives at home. Most of his friends still live at home. He’s getting a programming certification, and he’s only able to do that because we’re lucky enough to be able to help him pay for the individual courses. All of his friends are in the same boat, working part-time jobs, and in some cases, helping their parents pay the bills. But they’re sneered at by the previous generations because they’re being judged by a standard that’s no long valid. “Where’s your house? Why aren’t you investing in a money market portfolio? Where are your 2.5 kids? You should travel more, see the world. Why are you killing the [blank] industry?” Fuck off.

What we really need is a revolution. This is getting out of hand. We shouldn’t have almost an entire generation that’s struggling this hard. It means things are out of whack. It means there are problems we need to fix.

When I was growing up, a person who worked an entry-level construction gig and another person who worked as a Wal-Mart checker could, in their mid-20s, conceivably buy a small first home and consider starting a family. 

Now, we have people who can barely afford to pay rent even though they have three roommates (and the more roommates you have, the more statistically likely it is that you want to bury one of them in the woods), forced to make horrible decisions like “Well, if I eat only one larger meal in the middle of the day, and then go to bed before I start to feel hungry, I can pay rent this month.” I’d move back home, too. 

Just because someone is selling you a Big Mac and you have a degree does not make you better than them. Better educated? Sure. But a better person? No. Go fuck yourself.

People have their own baggage, demons, and challenges to get through. They don’t need judgmental fuckery on top of everything else. Assume that everyone you meet is doing the best they can to muddle through. It’s that general “try not to be an asshole” thing.

All I have is a GED and a give ‘em hell attitude and some coding books I read, and through sheer luck, a few years of established work experience that might open the door to some better job down the line. But I still get that little patronizing “oh” when someone finds out I don’t have a degree. I dare anyone, on any day of the week, to tell me I’m stupid because I didn’t go to college.

A good place to store that elitist attitude is directly up your ass. 

Get it up there nice and snug, too. 

Anyway, I probably went off track several times and it’s after 2AM so it’s entirely possible that parts of this don’t make sense. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. (Do people still say that? I’m old.)

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hard Times | June Goals Update

So it’s been another month. Somewhat scary to think that time flies straight over your head, and doesn't ever stop...

Anywho...

*If you would prefer to not read my struggles with bipolar disorder and in particular, the depressive side of it, feel free to skip past this ramble!*

Hey People of Earth!

I’ve had a month. It opened shitty, ended shitty, lots of shitty things happened in between. In regards to June--damn, how shitty it has been.

I have tried writing this post on its own for around a week now. And every single time I try, I end up trashing the draft. Last night I decided not to trash the draft, and post it today, but I’ve somehow trashed the draft.

Again...

So. I've sort of been severely depressed since the start of the month... Oh boy...

If you don't know, I was diagnosed officially as bipolar on May 31st of this year. I kid you not, the very next day, I fell back into this terrible depressive rut I haven't been able to escape since.

I’ve been waiting three years for someone to just validate the feelings I've had--I’ve been desperate for someone to tell me what my doctor told me on May 31st. I was convinced that hearing those words, hearing that diagnosis would make me the happiest person in the world, and I think it’s the disappointment that stemmed from not having that that just choked me this month.

I don’t know why hearing so hey, Rachel, yo, you’re actually bipolar sent me into the deepest, darkest hole I have ever existed in. Because I’d been waiting so long to hear those words. Past Me was positive everything would be better after I heard those words. Past Me always thought everything would get better after hearing those words, but things have only gotten progressively worse.

I’m diagnosed as bipolar, and I can’t tell you how hard that has been to swallow.

I’m sincerely sorry for missing blog posts, and promising I’ll come back, and then never coming back. I’ve literally torn myself apart because of this... But, I’ve lived like a ghost this month, and doing anything has been so painful. 

I went from high to low in the span of seconds, and I can’t leave.

I want to get into how it feels to be bipolar, and to cycle into these moods so frequently. Of course, this is only my experience with this disorder. Others might not experience this like I do.

So for me, shifting from high to low feels like someone is punching me in the face, and will not stop. I hate going from okay one moment, to so low the next. It’s so frustrating to me. Ask my family or friends--it’s fucking frustrating for them too because do you know how difficult it is for someone to see you having the time of your life one day, and then being in such a dark place the next? I hardly understand this. I can’t imagine how those around me feel. Switching from high to low feels like I’m a failure, and I cannot stop failing, because of all things, I can’t control my own brain, even though I feel like I should have that right. I’m not strong enough to control my brain--it controls me. Switching from high to low makes me feel so stuck. Like I’m struggling in quicksand, but there is no way out. You feel defeated by yourself, even though you shouldn't have a competition within yourself . But that’s kind of what goes on with me every time this happens. My body and soul go to war, when that should never happen.

I feel like to a point, while I emphasize honesty in my blog posts, there’s a line I draw. There’s a point where I fear if I talk more about this, and talk more about the fact that every single thing I did in June was torturous, people will not want to listen. I don’t want to bog people down. But this affects my writing life so much, and in turn, will affect you.

Imagine one day, you’re on top of the world. You have everything you could ever want. You are successful. You feel great about yourself. You are in the best state you have ever been in. Now imagine, the next day, you witness something so upsetting, you spiral into the deepest rut you’ve ever been in. You don't want to keep going. You’re choking on your own life. You feel hollow.

This happens to me. Every day. Every week. Every month.

I wish I could be more positive about this... I miss my positivity so much.

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this on here before. But January and February are always the worst months I ever have to experience. Jan and Feb of 2015 were emotionally draining, but I didn’t know why, so I moved along as they went. Jan and Feb of 2016? A little harder to get by, but I did it, with a little help from ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES. Jan and Feb of 2017? Completely different ball game. I’ve never fought so hard to stay here.

Until June…

I always said that if I didn’t have a diagnosis before January and February of 2018, I’d probably not survive beyond then.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling that pain in a completely different realm of time.

June isn’t the winter. June is sunny, and bright, and where all the happiness should stem from. There are flowers outside. The sky is blue. Everything is beautiful. June isn’t supposed to bring misery like January and February. June is supposed to be breezy and light, and the cross into summer vacation. But I just exited the hardest month I’ve ever had to live through. And I hate that I’ve said that statement somewhere around 8 times in my life, and I’m hardly even sixteen.

I can’t tell you why I’m so depressed. I can’t explain it. I can’t tell you it’s because something bad happened in my life. Because nothing did. Nothing happened. Nothing should have changed.

Gah. I didn't want to have to say all of this. But I know if I don't know, I never will.

So welcome to my off day. Or my off month. I guess.

So now that all of that's been said, let’s get into these insanely ambiguous goals, shall we?

1. Hit 80k in FOSTERED #5.

HIT 90K BABY.

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

Didn’t even touch the thing. lol sorry.

3. Upload another video.

Guess who didn’t do this. Guess who has a video ready to upload just sitting on her computer. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Actually, I do. (Reference above, lol)

(I will get this thing up when I feel a little better I promise!)

4. Read a book yo.

Didn’t do this. Also because of the above. Sigh. I did start THE HATE U GIVE and it’s amazing thus far. I’m around 100 pages in, and I love it.

5. Finish another character portrait.

If there’s something I did this month... Jeez...

I did a lot of art this month, man... So I mean, if there’s a silver lining to anything, it’s that... I actually just finished one of these an hour ago. I’m not going to show you one of them because I’m not digging the final outcome that much.

I finished this AWESOME painting of Emily from the FOSTERED books AKA the character who looks different every time I write with her... lol. (Did I just call my own art awesome? Uhm, well I say awesome because @sarahkelsiwrites​ drew the sketch, I only painted it in. So yes.)

I don't like complimenting my own work, but um, I think I have substantially (and quite miraculously) improved my abilities to shade using the painterly technique.

I actually did my first digital painting using the painterly technique earlier in the month.

Here I bring you, ‘Angsty Ben’

LOOK AT HIS EYELINER

LOOK AT HIS BLEACHED HAIR

LOOK AT HIS LIP RING.

LOOK AT HIS ANGST PATCH JACKET

LOOK AT HIS STROKES FANBOY T-SHIRT

THE SURF CURSE PATCH KILLS ME

WHO ELSE SEES THE CLIFFORD IS A DISAPPOINTMENT PATCH ON THE BOTTOM LEFT.

LOWKEY WHAT A FUTURE 17-YEAR-OLD BEN LOOKS LIKE.

Hahahahahaaaaaaa

I know. This is the best thing I’ve ever created. Ha. So this cheered me up. Awesome.

Obviously, it’s not entirely finished, though I’m just stopping here at this point, because it was really only here as a test in shading.

My point here, is that I think there’s quite a large improvement in shading...

@sarahkelsiwrites​ did an amazing job on Emily’s sketch, so huge thanks to her! I have a speedpaint for this, so it’ll be up at some point in time... Harrison is actually supposed to be next to her, buuuuut he’s giving me trouble, so... (He will be completed at some point in time also.)

AND NOW LOOK HOW LIT THIS IS

@sarahkelsiwrites​ drew me the most AMAZING portrait of Lonan, and I die.

If you don't know, the name Lonan means blackbird, and the meaning of his name, though never stated in the books, is a huge point of symbolism in the novels...

This is the sketch she drew (excuse the world’s shittiest scan):

(It’s shitty a) because the paper is kind of way too big for the scanner, and b) because haha my scanner is shitty)

BUT CAN WE JUST.

And then I, around an hour ago, went in and added colour...

AHHHHHHHH

Sarah said she’d eventually like to do a digital painting of this as well, so I’m just so stoked... THE SYMBOLISM IN THIS DRAWING ACTUALLY MURDERS MEEEEEE.

Cuz yanno, birds are supposed to be in cages, but LOOK AT HIIIIM.

In other news, I finally have an idea for book five’s cover...

Bless you, Sarah. Bless. This thing makes me so happy.

I also have a speedpaint for this. So yeah. Onslaught of vids coming your way the minute I start feeling better.

6. Complete that huge edit on FOSTERED #5.

YAAAAAS. I did this. In school. Like a boss. If you don't know, I like to go back and edit my novel every 10k words or so, and accidentally eventually let the usual 10k turn into 30k... So to continue writing, I had to make a bit of a large edit, and I did it! I think it happened in a day or so? So it was a lot less arduous than anticipated.

7. *Maybe* re-visit I’M DISAPPOINTED. Just maybe. If it won’t drive you nuts. Or at least look at the query and fix it up a little.

I thought about re-visiting I’M DISAPPOINTED. lol. Does that count. (More news on what the heck is happening with this book in my writing update which should be up at some point in time..)

8. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story.

I didn’t do this. I was supposed to edit what I had. I have it all formatted and everything. But I never printed it out... So then, I just never wrote anything...

Ahhh well, look at all the amazing art above, lol. I’ve done more, but I’m saving all that stuff for later when they’re all cleaned up and stuff.

So those were all my goals and stuff. So I mean, even though I had the shittiest month ever, I still managed to somehow get a lot of things done. I’m addicted to work. This is a problem.

(Oh by the way, another goal I hit this month... You know how I said a while back that I wanted to get a 97% average this semester? Well... uh. I kind of did. 97.25% to be exact... yeaaaaaahhhhhh I should stop...)

So here are more goals:

1. Hit 100k in FOSTERED #5

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

3. Upload another video.

4. Read a book yo.

5. Finish another character portrait

like come on

6. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story. 

pls.

Some exciting things happening in my life right now:

- I’m seeing Ed Sheeran in concert this FRIDAYYYYYY

- I might be seeing Precious Kid in Pennsylvania. Possibly.

- MY BROTHERS MET PRECIOUS KID

- I’M SEEING FLIPPIN SURF CURSE IN CONCERT AT THE END OF AUGUST

- Also going to Mexico

So many things are happening, man...

Because this post started out as the world’s biggest bummer, I want to maybe help anybody out there who needs some comfort by sharing a couple of things that’ve made my past month less terrible.

Daughter performances have been the only thing keeping me going at night when I can’t sleep. My insomnia hasn’t left me alone for this entire week. After trying everything I know of (come on fam, even my favourite ASMR vid doesn’t work), I’ve resorted to watching performances of one of my favourite bands.

Elena writes beautiful songs about her own sadness. She does it in a way that brings me so much comfort. And while all that I go through is ugly, Elena uses words that make it sound beautiful, and in doing so, make my pain less hurtful.

I’ve never seen them perform their song Made Of Stone live, so finding this performance was absolutely amazing. I love that she expresses thoughts I’ve had myself. It makes me feel like hey, I’m not the only one. Someone gets me. This song does that very well.

See, this is why I love music. 

You’ll find love kid, it exists

I also love

This one really helped sooth my mind a bit. Which is nice. :)

This post really helped me when I was in a really suicidal rut a couple nights ago: https://themighty.com/2016/08/if-you-want-to-die-read-this/

^^^ I love this post.

On a little bit of a lighter note, Paramore’s Hard Times hits me where I need it.

If you’ve been a long-time follower, you know how much your girl loves Paramore.

THIS SONG.

Lyrically, it’s one of the saddest things Paramore has put out. But they’ve paired it with this funky beat that’s so ironically happy… And guys… The accuracy in representing depression… Oh my lord…

Hard times Gonna make you wonder why you even try Hard times Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry These lives And I still don’t know how I even survive Hard times Hard times

And I still don’t know how I even survive… <<< this hits my heart so much

I sing this part with no chilllllll.

*this brings me so much happiness*

Paramore was the thing that got me through that second terrible Jan+Feb beyond ATBP, so this is somewhat fitting…

This video by Dodie is the thing that pushed me to not give a shit if this seemed too bitter and pessimistic. She really made me feel that if I feel bitter and pessimistic, I should be real about that.

I’m not actually a fan of hers (I just don’t watch her vids, though I probably will now), but I’ve seen this thing pop up in my recommended since it came out, and I finally watched it last night. I love this video.

Also just kind of a simple one, but my sister helps too. Like loads. So far, she’s been the one to make me smile and laugh, even when I’m in the actual middle of this muggy period.

Maybe you don’t know this about me, but I’m a die-hard ASMR fan (if you suffer from insomnia, this is my secret to sleep), and CarolineASMR’s 24/7 livestream has been giving me life.

Whenever I’m just very down, and need something to do, I listen to this. And it’s always there. Which is so great for so many reasons. I wasn’t going to mention this one because I didn’t think it was that much of a help, but after going through my YouTube history, I realize that I’ve relied on this livestream so much this past week…

(If you ever need ASMR recs, hellooooo)

(START WITH BRIGHTGREYASMR THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY, YOU’RE WELCOME. THIS video is the only one that kills my insomnia around 90% which is AWESOME)

So all of these things have contributed to making my life a little easier. I wanted to share them with you to hopefully bring some light into your life, if you’ve been going through some hard times too. Just know that at some point in life, this suck will ease. I don’t know if it will ever get better, and I won’t say that because I know I don’t even like when people say that to me. But you’re literally going to keep kicking ass. Even if all you’re doing right now is existing, you are still worthy of every single moment you have. I know I don’t have hope right now, so I can’t tell you to just have hope, because sometimes, being hopeful isn’t always easy. I hope you find your hope, and I hope I find my hope. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m all ears.

That’s kind of the end of this post... Thank you for listening, if you made it this far. Thank you for letting me express myself when I need to. I hope this serves as a bit of an explanation for my MIA-ness. I’ll try to be back as soon as I can. You guys are sincerely the best.

See you in the next one. :)

--Rachel

[the-silverforked-sky]

Sometimes We Both Lose Our Minds (to find the better road)- Olicity Fic

Pairing: Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak

Rating: T Words: 3400 Summary: Returning back to his old life in Starling City, Oliver had anticipated and planned for many things. Carrying out the mission his father had bestowed on him, falling back into his old irresponsible persona, hiding his true self from his family and friends, and protecting them at all costs. The one thing he hadn’t planned on was gaining 2 new family members, his stepfather Walter Steele and Felicity Smoak, his childhood friend, now also his stepsister. Regardless of the changes and surprises, he knows he has to become someone… something else to make those on his father’s List pay for their crimes.

Chapter Summary: Felicity attends Oliver’s Welcome Home party and the two finally have a chance to catch up. A/N: Hiii... So it’s been super long since I posted the first chapter and then left you all hanging. I feel so terrible about it, but the past 2 semesters have been crazy hectic. But hopefully this chapter partially makes up for it. Now that I’m off, I hope to have a more consistent update schedule. I’m so excited about this verse and have so many ideas I want to share, so I hope you’ll stick around.

Thanks a lot to @nvwhovian who's been fielding all my crazy and paranoia as I worked up to posting this chapter. And to her and @beinmyheart for editing this chapter!! As mentioned in the summary, Oliver and Felicity are kinda step-siblings, if that is a thing that you’re not comfortable with, you should back out now. If you’re staying and giving it a try anyway, thank you so much and I hope you enjoy this verse and journey. If anyone would be interested in sending prompts for this verse or being tagged in updates, please drop me a line. 

Title is from The Poison by The All-American Rejects and the chapter title is from Never Let Me Go by Florence & the machine

You can also read the chapter on AO3 or other installments

Reflections still look the same to me (as before I went under)

She’s standing at the bar at Oliver’s Welcome Home Bash waiting for the barkeep to notice and maybe serve her. Tommy needs to hire better bartenders for his parties, what is the point of free-flowing alcohol if you’re not even served? That makes her sound like she’s an alcoholic or something, she’s not for the record. It’s just that being sober around so many drunk people is giving her a headache, and maybe she just needs a drink to take the edge off.

There’s been way too many changes and surprises over the last few days. Not that they’ve been bad ones per se, they’re actually good. Happy even. Oliver is alive. That is amazing, and it makes so many people she cares about incredibly happy, including her. But changes need adjustments and that is pretty stressful. She’s just glad she isn’t living in the Queen Mansion. In the past few years she’s started to feel weird and out of place there, being in that house makes her jittery. With Oliver suddenly back, there’s a tension that hangs over the entire household that she would rather avoid. And with her propensity to babble about inappropriate things, she would probably just end up making things even more awkward.

Then there’s also the fact that she and Oliver are now bound by family… or something. For all intents and purposes, Oliver is her step-brother now. Which is incomprehensible to her. She knew this would be the case since her dad married Moira, she’d even readily accepted Thea as her new step-sister. But it was different when thinking about Oliver. All these years, it had been a vague idea, a ‘what if’ hinging on Oliver being alive. But now he is alive and this new relation between them is making things all messy in her head. Since she had met him, he’d always been her friend; she’d never really thought of him as a brotherly figure. For a brief period of time, she’d even had a tiny crush on him- having the attention of two of the most notorious heartbreakers in Starling City will do that to a girl. She’d grown out of it, obviously, but that doesn’t mean it lessens the complication in any way.

A sudden din falls over the crowd and she looks up to see that Oliver’s entrance has commanded their attention. She observes him as Tommy introduces him and he raises a ridiculous toast to tequila (of all things). She watches as he feeds the public what they want, having them eating out of his palm, perfectly playing up the devil-may-care attitude Ollie Queen was known for. She wonders if he’s putting up a front, playing up what he thinks people want to see, even after he’s spent five years isolated. Or if he’s actually not changed a bit. If it’s the former, he’s still not able to completely hide the things he doesn’t want others to see. It’s given away more by what’s missing than what is there. Those expressive blue eyes, that could make anyone he paid attention to feel like the centre of the universe, are vacant now- as though they’ve been purposely kept so. She’s sure the others have noticed too, but they’re so distracted by acting as if no time has passed at all, that they just accept his unbothered act and overall okay-ness. It’s not that she wants him to be damaged or have difficulty coping but it just seems off to her. You don’t spend five years isolated from civilization, without it leaving some mark or changing you in some way. She feels they need to be prepared for it, prepared to help Oliver in whatever way they can, instead of just ignoring it till it goes away. But then again, she’s never quite settled into the elite’s mentality of brushing things under the carpet, she’s not made for hiding from the truth.

That’s not the only thing she has noticed either. Because she’s definitely not missed that delicious looking scruff or the shorter hair which looks so much better than the weird serial killer hair he had before. And don’t even get her started on the way his suit highlights his very wide and muscular shoulders and biceps. He was cute before but now he’s devastatingly handsome and this is why she’s keeping her distance. She’s already practically drooling over him, how is she supposed to conduct a conversation with him where they address their new status as family.

She watches as his eyes scan through the room and the crowd, catching on hers with some surprise. She wonders why. Sure she doesn’t really fit in with this crowd consisting of mainly fangirls, but she’s here to support her close friends. She doesn’t doubt her connection with Tommy, they’ve become closer and built that friendship back up since she returned home. Where Oliver is concerned though, she’s unsure about what kind of reception she would get. They’d definitely drifted apart a bit, for a couple of years before he left on that fateful trip, but it seemed natural given that the boys were venturing out to various colleges while she’d been focused on graduating early from high school and getting into MIT. But they’d kept in touch regularly enough that she hadn’t ever thought it would affect their long-term friendship. Five years, on the other hand, was a whole different can of worms. Especially given that Oliver didn’t seem all too thrilled with welcoming her dad, and probably by extension her, into the family. She breaks their eye contact then, the thought that Oliver may refuse their friendship is painful and she isn’t ready to expose that that vulnerability to anyone.

As she cranes her head looking for someone who can fix her a drink, she hears a voice close to her ear, “Hi Felicity, need me to buy you a drink?” She startles, turning around to come eye to chest level with Oliver himself.

“Oliver,” and her voice comes out sounding breathy, she needs to make it stop sounding like that. It’s just Oliver, and he’s teasing her just like he would years ago when they would talk and banter and be uncomplicated friends. No big deal. She looks up to meet his eyes, seeing a hint of amusement and fondness that gets past the shadows in them. “Haha, I can buy myself a drink now, with my real ID too. Also it’s an open bar.”

His lips lift into a small smile, minuscule really in comparison to the toothy dimpled smiles and laughter she’s seen on him, but there all the same. More than that though, it lightens his eyes and manages to put some of her uncertainties to rest, which makes it all the better. “Guess you don’t need me and Tommy to supply you with fake IDs anymore. Shame, I’d got a new set I was gonna gift you for getting through finals. Really creative names too.” She narrows her eyes at him and he chuckles, his eyes and voice softening even more, “it’s good to see you again Felicity.” He extends his arms a little, it’s such an awkward gesture but very clear in its intention. So she pushes herself into him without hesitation, wrapping her arms around his neck. His arms tighten around her back and she melts into him, nostalgia and an incredible amount of joy rushing into her as she revels in the feeling of him being alive and home.

“It’s so good to have you back Oliver. I’ve missed you a lot,” she mumbles into his neck.

She’s not even sure if he heard her but then he murmurs back, “me too.”

She separates from him then, looking anywhere but at him. She feels self-conscious like they’ve already lingered a little too long for a hug between friends, even long lost ones. His heavy gaze doesn’t help all that much either. Then she remembers the events of this morning and her concern can’t be contained. “Are you okay? My dad told me about the kidnapping.”

“I’m alright, really. Not even a scratch, we were found in time, I guess,” his response sounds so practiced, it immediately draws her curiosity but before she can say or ask anything about it, he continues, “so I guess a ‘welcome to the family’ is in order?” And really? That’s what he wants to break the tension with?

His tone sets her on edge too, it sounds pleasant enough and he’s delivering it with a perfectly charming smile, but there’s something cutting about it. She looks at him sharply, the indignation from last night, at his rude remark to her dad during the family dinner, returning. Realizing his mother was remarried was probably a shock, no one would really want to think about how their family may have moved on in their absence. And obviously Moira’s misguided attempt to ease Oliver into the situation by hiding the truth about her new marriage didn’t help much either. But he was downright rude to her father and she won’t stand for that.

“It would seem so. Though my dad is really the one it should be directed to. And try being a little more genuine that time?”

As soon as she says it she knows she hit the mark but not in a good way, he looks stung by her snarkiness. And really she didn’t mean to be sassy or nasty about it but she’s also not interested in pulling punches on the matter. Her father means the world to her and Oliver can be shocked at the news, find it difficult to digest and adjust but he cannot disrespect her dad. Nonetheless she softens her tone as she says, “You're not being very fair to him.”

“Felicity,” he begins, “it’s my mom and also Thea… they’re too important and I wasn’t prepared. I’m still not. I didn’t expect…” he trails off seeming to not know how to continue.

“Didn’t expect is probably an understatement,” she scoffs, trying to lighten the moment. She gets where he's coming from, they’re both just trying to protect their respective parents.

“Oliver, I understand,” she continues and then modifies, “kind of, some of it, because your experience has been very different and I can’t know everything you’ve been through. But I do understand a certain aspect of it. Seeing your mom with someone new, seeing her move on, that was probably not the easiest pill to swallow. I felt that too,” She tries to hide how she still gets a little choked up thinking about her adoptive mother, “even though it’s been years since Alicia passed away.”

She meets his sharp gaze again to make sure that she’s not completely messing all of this up. He looks a bit more receptive to what she’s saying, so she takes it as a win and continues with as much earnestness as she can, “But something between my dad and Moira just clicked. They helped each other through their pain and they love each other so much. He’s good to her Oliver, to both her and Thea. He loves them so much. And Moira, she makes him happy, happy in a way that I didn’t think I’d see him again. You just need to give him a chance.”

All of it seems to hit him hard, but he doesn’t look away from her. He nods his head with a “I’ll try.” Not exactly what she was hoping for but an immediate resolution does seem unrealistic. She’s made her point though and he heard her out. That’s the best she can do right now. He seems to be studying her as intently as she is studying him, some of it feels awfully calculating even though he’s trying to hide it behind nonchalance.

Suddenly she feels a body bumping into her, causing her to lose her balance and stumble right into Oliver. And woah, she completely forgot where they were. This was so not an appropriate place to have such a serious and private conversation. Oliver is holding onto her elbows and her hands are pressed onto his chest from where she tried to catch herself. A very firm chest that feels ridiculously good under her hands and boy does she need to back out of his personal space. Were they really standing that close throughout their conversation?

She's just starting to back away when Tommy makes his appearance. From the look on his face, he’s apparently got some interesting ideas to get himself and Oliver in trouble running through his mind, and thankfully doesn’t notice the odd tension hanging over her and Oliver. His first sentence just proves that, “There you are! Now by my rough estimate you have not had sex in 1,839 days”

She wrinkles her nose as she looks from Tommy to Oliver and back to Tommy, “I don’t think I needed that information. And did you actually calculate that?”

“Felicity!!” He exclaims, pulling her into a tight hug as if he hadn’t just seen her last night. “Well, no wonder you ran off, I would prefer her company over mine too,” he directs to Oliver as he winks at her. “Of course I calculated it. And I needed to get that number out before I forgot because that is a loooong time. This poor guy had a dry spell of a lifetime, haven’t you buddy? But we’re going to remedy that and as your wingman, I highly recommend Carmen Golden,” with that he turns Oliver by the shoulders to face another large crowd of women.

Oliver looks understandably confused as he asks, “Which one is she?” with a tinge of amusement in his voice like he’s just humoring Tommy.

“The one who looks like the chick from Twilight,” Tommy replies very promptly.

“What's Twilight?”

“You're so better off not knowing.” The grimace on Tommy’s face and the way he winces, immediately makes her laugh. He really would know, considering he’d been forced to watch all four parts multiple times, including braving premieres, long lines and high-pitched tweens. She’d like to say she doesn’t fold as easily as Tommy does when it comes to Thea, but really that would be such a lie.

Speaking of whom, she spots Thea and a couple of her “friends”, her good mood vanishing almost instantly. The guy Thea is speaking to may be a new one, but it doesn’t mean that Felicity isn’t aware exactly who he is, or rather what he’s able to supply. She must’ve shown some kind of reaction because she feels both Oliver and Tommy glance at her and then follow her gaze right to Thea. Where she is now exchanging her money for drugs, in what she seriously hopes Thea doesn’t consider an inconspicuous manner. Because she’s being quite obvious. Oliver’s focus just seems to narrow down onto Thea and he barely excuses himself before he’s off. Felicity meets Tommy’s eyes, and he seems to share her thoughts that this situation is not going to go down well at all. Beneath it though, lurks a deep regret and guilt that mirrors hers. The sense of failure that they couldn’t prevent or pull Thea back from this path. That at all of fifteen she’d felt so alone in the world that she’d gotten hooked onto drugs and partying as an escape. She also sees the question in his eyes, if they should interrupt and try to diffuse the situation before it gets bad. She knows though that if anyone has to insert themselves between the siblings, it’s got to be her. Whatever trapped feeling Thea is experiencing will only get worse if she’s confronted by both Oliver and Tommy. She puts a hand on Tommy’s arm to reassure him, before she makes a beeline towards Oliver and Thea.

She quickens her footsteps as she sees Thea breaking out the attitude, when Thea gets into this kind of mood, she’s usually only one wrong word away from tipping over the edge. As she gets closer, she realizes that Oliver has managed to find that tripwire. The pain in Thea’s voice as she tells Oliver that she spent five years thinking he was dead, that the last five years are permanently within her, strike her so hard. It makes her throat tighten and stomach twist up. And she can tell from the way Oliver looks away, that it hits him much harder. Felicity curses herself for not anticipating and misjudging how Oliver’s return is going to affect Thea, for not seeing that Thea too won’t be able to just brush the last five years away like they didn’t happen.

“I’m sorry if I turned out to be some major disappointment,” she keeps going.

But no, she’s not. And those words slip out of Felicity’s mouth, “Thea, no,” before she even realizes. It draws both the siblings’ attention to her, and to the fact that she obviously overheard most of the conversation. But her focus is on Thea, who looks like she wants to be anywhere but here. The way her mouth curls up, slightly cruelly and looking so out of place on her face, Felicity knows that she’s found her parting escape line and that it’s going to hurt. She’s not sure if it’s going to be aimed at Oliver or her, or both of them, but she braces herself for it anyway.

“Ollie, you can’t come back here and judge me, especially for being just like you. And now that we have the perfect sibling,” she gestures towards Felicity, “there’s no pressure on either of us. We’re free to screw up however we like.”

And wow, yeah that stings. She knows that her dad and Moira were pleased with her interest in the company, and that they’d pinned their hopes on her leading QC once they’d be ready to retire. Though she felt the weight of those expectations, she’s tried her best to thrive under the pressure and make them proud. She can barely admit it to herself, but part of it has been the need for validation and attention from her father, while he’d been busy with his new wife and new job, as a reminder that she won’t be forgotten. If she makes them see her, and realize her value, then maybe she won’t be left behind. She never realized that someone else could’ve picked up on it, or that it would be so effective when used against her. Thea directing her friends to “Let’s bounce,” pulls her out of her thoughts. Looking up, she notes that Thea won’t even look at her or Oliver. That more than anything, sets her in motion. If she doesn’t do something to fix this now, forgive Thea for lashing out, then it’s going to turn into a spiral of guilt and avoidance that’s going to turn into more emotional suppression and anger later. And if she can get to Thea and pull her away before she gets high, then Felicity is going to consider it a win for the night.

Oliver’s soft call of her name, makes her pause. She turns to him, his face is shuttering off but she still catches a glimpse of sorrow and an apology. “I’m going to go talk to her,” she says as she points in the vague direction Thea headed in.

She takes in a breath then, “I know you have questions and things to say, and a lot of those answers you’re going to hate. I’d say give her time, but I don’t even know if that will work to be honest.”

She rises up on her toes, holding onto Oliver’s elbow, as she places a light kiss on his cheek. He stiffens a little, obviously not expecting the contact or closeness. She doesn’t even know why she did it. She’d missed him a lot, it feels like nothing short of a miracle to get one of her closest friends back, and she needs to convey her affection and happiness to him. And really, a little cheek kiss is not so different from their previous hug, it’s what friends or step-siblings do. It just shows that they’re comfortable with each other, and that their relationship is so very platonic. And in line with those thoughts, she completely refuses to acknowledge how her lips still tingle or how her heart skipped a beat for some reason.

Tagging: @nvwhovian @beinmyheart @felicityschattycathy @callistawolf @coal000 @myhauntedblacksoul @tdgal1 @cessink @nina2406

[sizzlingcrusadebouquetfan-blog]

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there was a wreck. they towed my car. i thought i would get it back. my insurance claims guy emailed me this-- Your vehicle is currently on its way or has arrived at a salvage yard in Defuniak Springs. An employee with Progressive will be inspecting it today or tomorrow to determine the value. That employee will then be in touch with you to discuss how we can settle your vehicle claim as a total loss. The vehicle is then sold at a salvage auction; it is not returned to Progressive or to you. We will be able to discuss this in further detail after your vehicle is inspected. i worked and paid for this car. its old but i want it back, the front is wrecked but its mine. what can i do?""

Medical insurance bill?

hi guys my hubby had a motorcycle accident and he went to the ER, he got a cat scan and x-ray and it came out to be $750. he has no health insurance so he gave them hes name but misspelled like 2 letters in hes first name and 2 letters in hes last name.. they never took down hes drivers licence or ask for hes social number... only thing they have on file correct is hes birthday. even the address is all right but the apt number instead of 7 he put 8, we wanted to know can they actually send him to collection still? like will they be able to still find him even though they don't have drivers licence number or social? and if they can find him will it affect hes credit score if he can't pay.. we are students and are struggling real bad :( so any help from you guys we would really appreciate it we live in California. thanks guys!""

Would my car insurance pay out?

I was on the way home from work this morning after a 12 hour night shift at 7 in the morning on the m60 towards Bolton. A lorry driver in the fast lane needed to get across the lands and didn't see me in the middle lane so he hit the side of my car. The traffic was slow moving so it wasn't too hard a hit when when I looked at the damage it didn't look too bad at first just a bump on the side of my car and nothing to his so we didn't swap details, when I got home I realised it was worse than it was I've found a company that will fix it but will my insurance pay now? I'm with 1st central""

How important is having health insurance in usa and why?

Why health insurance has more importance in usa ?Is it mandated in usa?what are the differences in insurance when compared with India?

Good Health Insurance for individual?

I'd like to know if there are any affordable health insurances that can cover, at least in most part, doctor visits, low cost prescriptions and sometimes specialist visits. I don't go to the doctor very often, I can spend a year or more without a visit but I still need the insurance. I have a part-time job which doesn't offer me any benefits so I'm on a budget when it comes to health insurance. I am still considered dependent but a family health plan is not an option at the moment. Any good health insurance that is affordable with a part time job in Florida?""

Home insurance rates.?

Recieved a letter yesterday from my insurance company. They are now going to base home insurance rates based on your credit score....WHAT?

Ford focus insurance?

any one know which type of ford focus has a low insurance group, i am looking to buy one soon but want one that has a cheap insurance policy, i am thinking of a focus ghia 1600 or 1800cc around 03 reg, any help please

Has car insurance gone up in the past couple of months?

My partner has just been on 'compare the market' and found that to insure his fiat punto its going to cost him nearly 800 - 2 months ago when he looked he was getting quoted 400. Its nearly doubled in costs!!! What is all that about?

Will my parents' insurance rates go up?

I recently got 2 traffic tickets (1 for speeding and 1 for disobeying a traffic control device). However, the car I am driving is registered under my parents' policy and I am not the primary driver for it. Will my parent's insurance rates go up because of this, or will this only affect my driving record?""

""Whats the difference between limited, broad and regular collison deductibles with insurance?""

Whats the difference between limited, broad and regular collison deductibles with insurance? Trying to get an auto insurance quote, thanks""

How much would Insurance go up with Speeding Ticket?

I'm 17, in Kansas, and I got a speeding ticket for going a 51 in a 40. My dad said that it will cause insurance to go up for the next three years. My ticket cost is $96.00. How much should this cause my insurance to go up? I've never had any violations of any kind before and I have the good student discount, too. Also, what do you recommend I do? Should I just pay the fine and accept whatever happens to my insurance?""

My daughter gave permission to an unlicensed driver to drive my car. will me insurance co pay the damages?

she is on my policy. he hit another car. will my insurance company pay for the other persona car and mine?

Teen car insurance!! ?

im 15 and getting ready to buy my first car. i really want to know about how much my insurance will be. im getting a 2001 toyota celica and i live in north carolina and im a girl. can anyone please help?????

How much does your motorcycle's insurance rise when your bike has been stolen?

I'm asking this question for a friend who had some filthy chavs take his bike last weekend. It was a Yamaha XVS125 dragstar, so his insurance would have been quite cheap anyway but I was wondering how much more he will have to pay when he gets a new bike. Ideally if this has happened to you can you tell me ... how much your insurance was before (and if your license had points etc) and how much it was when you got a new bike. Thx""

""Out of curiosity, does anyone know why car insurance is CHEAPER when you add your partner on?""

I did my insurance quote for my Ford Focus (UK) and I was happy with the price at 15 per month fully comp, but if I were to add my partner to the claim it was 11 per month. I don't understand their logic? Why is it cheaper? It's the same car and if i'm allowing someone else to drive it isn't there more risk?""

Has anyone used e-suarance for a car insurance quote. I called them a few hours ago & they gave me a good...?

quote but they Hadn't run my driving record yet. And they said they can use ur credit report but, Otha than seeing if u hav paid ur car insurance/bills on tym I Don't see Why they need That info, otha car insurance companies I called Didn't want to check my credit history & Every check on ur credit report can make ur credit score lower & my credit's not that gud rite now tho I pay my utilities, rent, my current credit card & my cell bill on tym & my auto insurance in the past was always paid on tym. (I haven't had car insurance for 3 1/2 yrs cuz I haven't had a car.) Also, they were telling me if I call back the quote mite not stay the same cuz I was tryin 2 get the quote number & No Other insurance companies said that, the otha 1's gave me a quote # so I can deal wit the quote later if I decided 2 go wit them. E-suarance (was tryin 2 get me 2 put a down payment down today & then the insurance would kick in automatically but I told them I want to pay for 6 months at once & I don't hav the money now cuz I hav 2 deposit it in the bank tomorrow, it's a postal money order & will clear Tues. & I Don't Need the insurance 'til Tues. &, then I'll need proof of insurance Tues. to take 2 the DMV wit the papers from the dealer 2 register the car & get the license plates. E-saurance said they could send an e-mail upon payment that I could use 2 show proof of insurance at the DMV or if I Can't print that out I could download their app & show them my proof of insurance thru their app. But that sounded fishy 2 me. Also the guy on the phone from e-suarance wanted a credit card # 2 run my driving record but I was like None of the Otha car insurance companies needed that 2 run my driving record. I Don't want 2 get charged for them 2 run my driving record or 4 any Otha charges. Which is making me suspicious now of the low rate or of paying by credit card ova the fone wit them. Since they're backed by Allstate can I go 2 an Allstate office 2 pay cash & get proof of insurance?""

UK car insurance with a US license.?

I'm 18 years old, just returned to the UK from a 7 year stay in the US. while in the US I got my license at the age of 16. and accumilated 2 years no claims bonus. for the first few weeks back in the UK I had insurance through Ecar. but had to terminate that today through a misunderstanding with their terms and conditions W/ No claims bonus. what would be the best insurance provider to go through? I used compare the market before and the cheapest (minus e car.) was 3500 a year. I am employed and own my own car (2002 fiat punto) and I plan on staying in the UK.""

Can somebody give me an estimate on the price of car insurance in NY?

give me an estimate on average price?

Insurance rate about traffic violations question?

Ok so ive gotten 6 tickets since ive gotten my licenese about 8 months ago. Got the tickets on 3 different occasions. Yes I am a dumbass and will never conduct a traffic violation again because of my last incident. Ok so heres my question will 2 underage drinking charges, having open liquor in a motor vehicle, not being able to provide owndership, public intoxication, and tresspassing affect my insurnace if the motor vehicle being involved is checked off on the tickets? I know the open liquor charge will forsure. But what about the other ones? Your answer are much appreciated""

Has anyone had to reimburse your employer for health insurance?

my job comes with insurance i recently had to have surgery and was off work for a few weeks and now i have to repay them because i am not there to work and they want me to pay them back . i went with out pay as well is this normal??

Can insurance cost less on a motorcycle with a restriction kit ?

I want to know will insurance cost less on a 600 bike if you put a restriction kit on it. Also will it make a 600 a good first bike to start on. I know some motorcycle licenses have 33 HP limits and people still can get 600's and put restriction kits on them to keep the power down to make them good first bikes.

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

""Fast, fwd or awd, reliable, manual car that's cheap on insurance?

I already thought of a few possibilities. RSX Base 5 speed 05-06 Mazdaspeed Protege Scion TC Legacy GT Celica GT (possibly gts) EXPENSIVE INSURANCE (I live in NJ) RSX type s WRX EVO Just looking for ideas. Preferably cars that are cheap on insurance and easy to mod.

Do you have health insurance?

if so, how much is it per month? how old are you? what kind of deductable do you have? feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance?""

INSURANCE QUESTION ?!?

18 year old, male, 2010 camaro ss with 4000 miles on it. had a few speeding tickets, no wrecks LOOKING FOR INSURANCE QUOTES PLEASE""

Is a 2004 or 2005 Subaru impreza rs hatch a good first car?

is a 2004 or 2005 Subaru impreza rs hatch a good first car? are they reliable, good on insurance and costs to run and fix. cant get a wrx because of p plate restrictions but from experience is the rs any good. what is the average price they sell for and how many k's on them? thanks""

Did ObamaCare make my insurance costs go down?

Alot of people say healthcare cost will raise when Obamacare goes into efftect. But my healthcare costs has dropped from $1200/month to $400/month for the same coverage. I find it really hard to believe that Obamacare is bad. Also, Obamacare has not been implemented yet - why has healthcare costs has gone down""

Car insurance?

I 've gotton two tickets within four months of each other. What are the chances that my car insurance rate will go up and by how much? i live in california and have Mercury Insurance.

How Much Is Insurance For A Mustang?

I'm 16 and am looking into getting a 2000 or 2001 mustang/mustang gt. im a great driver. my parents have travelers for auto insurance, and they're going to add my car to their insurance. my parents are also great drivers, no wrecks/tickets or anything. what is the average i would have to pay for my car insurance each month? thanks:)""

Car insurance when buying a new car ?

Hello,i have seen a used certified car online and very much interested in haggling with the car dealer to buy the car,but my problem is,i have heard you need insurance coverage on the car before the dealer will let you drive off the lot with the car.So my question is how do i go about this when i havent yet selected or bargained for the price of the car before purchasing.I am driving 2 hours to-and-fro to get this car and cant afford to go home without the car the day i go to the dealership.How do people go to car dealerships,haggle on any car they love in the showroom and drive home the same day? I cant buy insurance that i may not need( example buying insurance on a 2009 car,but later get a good deal on a 2010) Any help on how to get the car insurance issue straightened out before i go haggling for cars?""

What car can i get that will be the cheapest insurance a month?

Hello I'm 18 I'm a male and I live in Cleveland Ohio I was wondering what is the best car I can get with the lowest insurance a month? And what is the best car insurance for first time drivers?

""Do I have a conviction, car insurance?""

I had my car licence for less than 2 years and went out to view a car, I was offered a test drive which I accepted. The police pulled me over and I was done for not having any car insurance, stupid of me but I never thought, my full licence was revoked and I had to start all over a gain on a provisional licence and also received a heavy fine. I reset my test again and passed and when I am asking for insurance I am asked for any convictions, I have not got a conviction on my licence or any points, my friend says I have been punished already by having my licence taken off me and re sitting my test again, and paying a fine. I now have had my full licence for 1 year instead of 3 years, what am I supposed to declare my licence is clean?""

Pregnant: no insurance?

i just found out that i'm pregnant. it was a surprise. i don't have insurance. what can i do? i am over qualified for medicaid, barely. my husband is a police officer. to give birth at the hospital it will cost $7180. i called maternity card but they are very expensive and my doctor already said he doesn't deal with them. does anyone have any solutions? i really need an answer. thanks!""

Cheapest Insurance company?

I'm looking to downsize my premium today and called about 10 largest companies, I'm sure there's more that has more affordable rates Thank you""

Can i have two car insurance one with no car on it?

i bought a car and my old insurance wouldnt let me add because i dont live with my parents anymore. now i live with my husband's family and they added my car and me to their insurance. now i have two insurance. one with no car and the other with the car.

Health insurance....?

I am not available for health insurance at my job because i am only part time. everytime i apply for health insurance online, i get turned down because of my credit or my health. i don't think it's right. i need some kind of insurance because i have to go to the doctor. what should i do?""

Motorcyle insurance laws in Michigan?

I know motorcycle insurance is required in MI, but what is the penalty for being caught without it? I am planning on buying a used bike that I saw for $250 but to get it insured, it would cost me $200 per year. It doesn't make sense.""

Whish insurance compay should i go to (auto)?

i just bought a 2000 Toyota camry Ve last night and i have never had any insurance before because i havent need it , i am 23 years old and i am looking for insurance some people told me go to Gieco has good prices""

Can i use a PO BOX for car insurance mailing address?

When i quoted my car insurance, i used my apartment address. After i bought the insurance, i asked them to change to PO BOX as my mailing address. Later on, when i moved to another apartment, i didn't update my current physical address with my insurance company because i am using my PO BOX as my mailing address so far. My question is if somehow i get a car accident, will the insurance company deny my claim because of not telling them the current physical address? Additional information the past and current of my apartment address are still in the same state, Texas.""

Can I have a car in my name under my parents insurance?

I am in need of a new car, but I would like the car to be in my name since I'm the one paying for it. Right now the car I'm driving is under my mom's name and insurance. Is it possible to have a car in my name and still have it be on HER insurance (and I cant just pay her) since it's obviously much cheaper (like a 300 dollar/month diference)""

Need cheap insurance?

i need insurance 4 missus 24/f/bham housewife just passed first car 1.4 pug 106.

Why has my car insurance quote shot up overnight?

My renewal is on the 3rd October, so I've been already looking around for the cheapest deal. It was up until today 852.09 for 3rd party, Fire and Theft. However, today it has gone up to 1433.07...which is almost as much as last year. I've also noticed that the cheapest insurance provider (the one that provided me with the 852.09 quote) is no longer providing me with a quote, and that it's forcing me to have to go with the second lowest price...but all the other companies quotes have gone up as well... My birthday is next week as well, so I'm wondering if it has gone up to take advantage of the possibility of me having to buy new insurance cover or something? Really finding it hard to find the reason how the quotes can have gone up by so much over-night with no change in my quote information at all :/ My details: 19 Years old Male 1 Years NCB Punto Sporting Thanks in advance!""

Who has the best car insurance rates?

Who has the best car insurance rates?

I have an old pickup truck but can't find a price to get an insurance quote.?

I'm working on a 1972 International model 1100 Eight pickup truck and can't seem to find a price for it in todays market. I've looked on every automotive web-site I can think of, but they have every make except International. I'm trying to get an insurance quote over the internet and I really need this. I paid $400 for the truck itself and about the same for new parts. The guy who owned this truck before me said it was originally a one ton pickup, but the bed was switched out with a three ton. I know I have to add the price of the new parts, but all I want is an approximate base price. I'll take any advice, web-site, or anything else relevant to my needs.""

Insurance Coverage for Motorcycle Helmet and Jacket?

I recently Just completed a claim for an accident I was in, The insurance (progressive) is going to reimburse me for the Jacket and Helmet. The Helmet has a little scratch on the lens and that's it. the lens is easily replaceable. the Leather Jacket has a light scuff on the arm. I spoke to the local claims representative and He said that he will come by and pick up the Jacket and Helmet and throw them away. I thought I was told with the when I bought the policy that I can do whatever I want with the Accessories, meaning I could throw them away or use them or fix them up. Now what I want to know... Is the Claims representative trying to get the Jacket and Helmet for himself or is this really Policy? to throw away $600 of equipment that's still in great shape and hardly used?""

""How Much would Car Insurance cost for a 2002 or 2003 Subaru WRX, not the Sti. Anyone know? Thanks! =]?""

How Much would Car Insurance cost for a 2002 or 2003 Subaru WRX, not the Sti. Anyone know? Thanks! =]?""

What's do you pay for car insurance in your country?

My car insurance in N.Ireland is just over 200 or 346.97USD or 291.19 Euro or 15,351.16INR etc. Thats for an average 4 door saloon. I would like to compare that with other countries, if possible.""

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

We are looking at buyin a house what insurances will we need and around how much should we budget for this?

We are first time buyers ans are looking to buy a house and we were wondering what are the insurances we need to take out and how much should we be looking at budgeting for this a month any help would be brill thanks x

Insurance License transfer?

I work as a Insurance salesman and I have life, health, property and casualty licenses. My boss paid for the training and the test, I am a 1099 and appointed to his agency and I am considering leaving his office, do I get to bring my license or is it onl valid under him? I work in california.""

Insurance Company sent me 2 checks?

So I recently got rear ended and the other party was at fault. I went to the appraiser that the all state agent had directed me to and had my car appraised. When I got my car appraised the appraiser wrote me a check then and there for the damages . Today I got a phone call from the insurance agent asking if my mailing address was correct and that they were going to mail me out a check for the damages that their appraiser had estimated. She never asked me once if I had already received a check for the damages.The appraiser made some kind of contact with allstate but I guess he never stated that he already had written me a check. Is it a crime if I cash both checks?

Nissan Skyline R34 Insurance Question (WA)?

Hello guys, I had two questions about insuring a skyline R34 Turbo... First off, How much (On average) would this cost to insure for someone on their P plates. Second off, Do you know any good insurance companies to go through? WA Is for Western Australia, not Washington. Thanks in advance.""

How much (about) would insurance cost for a Lamborghini Gallardo (at 16 yrs old)?

How much (about) would insurance cost for a Lamborghini Gallardo (at 16 yrs old)?

How to go about getting insurance for my husband?

He's 23 years old. Unemployed. HE needs insurance now, and can't be added to my insurance. For one, we'd have to wait until open enrollment in dec. and two, to be honest, it's too expensive to add him. im talking $300 each check. that's insane. I'm browsing the internet, but i am just so lost on where to look. I've heard of Medicaid, but don't know if he'd qualify, or can't find a website. Please. HELP!!!!!""

16 year old male car insurance?

Im going to be 16 soon, and my uncle said that I could use his 1968 Corvette. However, I found out about the insurance. My friend said it would be several thousand dollars a month, and I don't believe him. So, what would be the cost of my car insurance(an estimate)? Thank you for your time!""

First car insurance?

what would the insurance be on a 03 mercedes e500 for a 15 year old boy? and what about an 07 hyundai tiburon? which one is going to be cheaper?

Best car insurance company to use?

I am 22 and just traded my 2003 VW beetle for a 2010 honda civic LX (which is being financed). I use 21st Century and they're going to raise my rate by a couple hundred dollars per year. I pay every 6 months. I feel like this is too much. Even though I'm not yet 25, it seems a little excessive. Are there any suggested insurance companies with a more competitive rate? BTW I'm in California if that makes a difference...""

What is insurance company responsible for i had an accident with full coverage insurance?

I had a accident on my motorcycle 09/09/11. I had full coverage insurance, now my insurance company tells me they are not responsible for anything, I have to contact the other parties insurance. My insurance company has not even gave me a claim number,hasn't paid any dr bills. Also it totaled my bike! Why pay for full coverage if they don't do anything for you?""

How much does average car insurance cost per month uk?

approximately how much would car insurance cost on a car worth 1000 for a 17year old who lives in a cul de sac with a garage.

Question about car insurance?

I am about to get my first car ! but i have to wait until the guy at the car lot gives me the ok to pick it up but I was wondering about insurance do I get the car first and then get the insurance or vice versa? because what if something happens and I would get pulled over do I just say I just got the car and the insurance is about to start up? thanks in advance.

What are the cheapest car insurances in CO?

For a 21 year old?

Help with car insurance?

im 17 and im buying a car but with the insurance i want to use you have to be 18 to et up a direct debit so i done a quote where my mum is the policy holder and im the main driver and my mum is a named drive am i allowed to do this and whos name would the car have to be in thanks for any help in advance

Whats the difference between Medi -Cal and Health Insurance?

Whats the difference between Medi -Cal and Health Insurance?

WHAT CAR INSURANCE COMPANY IS THE CHEAPEST IN NJ?

WHAT CAR INSURANCE COMPANY IS THE CHEAPEST IN NJ?

Looking for health Insurance options in the State of Washington.?

I'm self employed and researching health insurance options. I live and work in the state of Washington. Any good, affordable options?""

Will my insurance go up alot?

so the other day I was driving on freeway and slid out and went through a barbed wire fence on the side of the freeway. The cop said he had to do an accident report cuz its a state fence.And that they would send a letter to my house and possibly my insurance company. And the fence was fixed the next day. So do you think they will send a letter to my insurance? Will they charge me for the fence? Will my insurance raise alot? I'm 16 btw and liability only on my insurance.

Cost of health insurance?

How much does health insurance cost per year if I pay for myself instead of my employer paying for it? I would pay through my employer's group insurance and mine is a family of three (including a child of 4 yrs). I am a contractor and I will be moving through the country quite a bit in which case would the insurance rates be from the state from where the employer is from or should it be as per the state where i am residing? How does insurance cost vary from state to state?

Can An unlicensed person buy auto insurance for their car and have other drivers?

My husband owns a car but has no drivers license at this time. He wants to insure his car and have friends drive. Is this possible?

Best car for cheap car insurance England?

i'm looking for an affordable car for my first one i'm a 19 year old female, i''ve checked a 2001 ford ka 1.3 and it was the second cheapest one for insurance which was 1500 the only thing putting me off is my friend had one and she said it guzzled petrol :P which i think she means it wasted petrol, the cheapest was a fiat 500 the insurance was 1300 but i really can't afford one so just want a cheap run around until i've saved up enough to buy a new one, does anyone know any affordable cars max price 1500 with cheap insurance thanks!! oh and if anyone has had a ford ka do you recommend one?""

State Health Insurance?

Other than Mass, are there any other states that provide free/cheap health insurance?""

California Lawyer Malpractice Insurance Requirements?

Does a lawyer in California have to get Malpractice Insurance in order to take clients? For example if a newly admitted lawyer wanted to do a simple will for a family friend, would they have to obtain insurance first or can they take the case, at their own peril, and collect a fee for it?""

Why are car insurance quotes on comparison sites so high?

I'm almost 17 and I'm hoping to learn to drive and buy a car, I was looking on some comparison sites to see what the insurance might be on some possible cars (ford KA, fiat sciento, nothing too fancy) but the quotes were ridiculously high? I know being 17 will mean expensive insurance but this was really expensive, they said the cheapest was around 6000 for third party. This is really high because I know loads of people who drive at 17 and their insurance ranges from 1800-3000. So, why is it so high and will it actually be this price when I come to pay the insurance?""

Where can i get the best & affordable health insurance?

company does not provide it anymore. where can i get the best and affordable health insurance that i pay for myself. thanks

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

How much is insurance per year on a E46 BMW M3?

I'm looking into buying a 2002-2004 M3. I'm 18 yo male with a clean driving record.

Quick question about RENTERS INSURANCE?

My fiance and i are renting out a house starting Feb. 1st. After a year we have an option to buy the house. Anyways, when we were looking at the house she said her dad wants us to get renters insurance before we move in. I'm guessing because of the fireplace, attic, etc. Do i need to get any info from her before i sign up for insurance? Where do i go to get this? ANY sort of info would be great. We're new to renters insurance. We live in an apartment complex right now with NO insurance.""

How much will my speeding ticket be and is it possible for my insurance not to go up?

I got pulled over doing 96 in a 70mph speed limit. In california around King City and I want to know a couple things. How much will the ticket approximately be? Is it worth contesting? Will going to driving school make it so I don't get a point on my license? And how do I make it so my insurance does not increase?

Auto Insurance Question!! Please Help!!?

Alright, so im an 18 year old boy in beaverton oregon and i currently drive a 2006 scion tC. I have been looking at nissan 350z's and am quite interested in them. I am very curious as to how much my insurance could raise by getting a 2004 nissan 350z. I am on my parents insurance with USAA if that helps. I really need to know, both times ive called USAA they wont speak to me because i am not the owner of the account and their online quoting doesnt seem to work... neither of my parents will call either. I would really appreciate any answers. Once again, i drive a 2006 scion tC and i want to know the insurance of a 2004 nissan 350z. Please and Thanks!!""

How much would some general liability insurance cost for a start-up salsa company?

My wife and I are starting a small salsa company selling it at the farmers' market and hopefully some local grocers. We would have no employees and sales will be well below $50K for our first few years. How much would some general liability insurance cost for a this start-up? We are in Lancaster County PA if the area matters. Rough estimates would gladly be accepted!

Auto insurance cost for teen?

I am 16 years old and have a 2002 vw jetta. I was wondering how much it would cost for insurance?

Do I have to add my roommate on my auto insurance policy?

My roommate and I each have a car but we don't share the same insurance policy. He has his own and I have mine. I just got auto insurance for my new car and the agent was telling me that I should add people living with me, but his driving record is bad and I don't want it to raise my premium. The agent said that anyone who doesn't live with me can drive my car and they'll be covered, but because my roommate lives with me, he won't be covered even though he has a different policy.""

Car insurance?

i cancelled my car insurance which i pay by installments i paid 75 at the beginnning and monthly premiums of 67 i cancelled the other day and on the phone they said i might have to pay a cancellation fee 45 as this is standard if your policy is not finished now they have calculated that i have to pay85 this is more than a months payment doe anybody know anything about these things and will i have to pay thanks

How much do you pay for a car insurance living in New York (brooklyn)?

Whats the cheapest way to get it? im 19 so my rate would be around 5 gran

Insurance or personal?

I had a brush with a car i n the parking lot and the bumper of the other car came off. its a new car and the bumper needs to be replaced. The guy is claming $700 for repairs. Just wondering if i shuld pay it from my pocket or shuld go thru insurance. In case i claim insurance do points get added to my insurance which will impact my insurance cost in the coming years? whcih is more sensible...

Cost of insurance on a mercedes Benz each month?

i have to do a gay project

Where can I get a very good insurance quote?

I'm looking for full insurance coverage on a Toyota Camry LE. 2005. In Ca

""Car Insurance for young drivers, first car. Helpppp!!!?""

I passed my driving test 3 months ago, my sister passed hers last week, we're both 19. We are now looking for a small, cheap car to share, with one of us being the main driver and an additional named driver. We've looked at a KA 1.3 ltr engine 2003 W reg 3 door hatchback. After getting quotes from a few companies it's clearly going to be expensive to get insured. Could anybody please point me in the right direction for affordable insurance for young drivers?! Thankyou!""

""I'm looking to buy car insurance, how much should it be? MG ZR?""

Its for an MG ZR 1.4 I cant go on my parents policies because my dads left my mum and my mum don't drive, so theres no way, plus i have no over family, so its impossible for that option. Of course it wont be cheap but i didn't expect it top be extortion, im male, so i know its higher, ive done some online quotes, it said around 6000 a year, how can a 17 year old even buy that, unbelievable, i was hoping it be around max.. 2000 even that's really high. Lol I ain't exactly rich lol. First ill buy a older rubbish car to get my confidence up with driving, then try to go for this car, its my dream car tbh, i find it beautiful. Im gonna name it Phoenix. lol. i am sad. But i was just wondering about it.. if you have any other advice about insurance, such as, what would make it cheaper ( year the car was made, door numbers etc) or what cars li should buy first.. i would appreciate it highly. Thank you in advanced. :) God Bless you all.""

Is insurance on jeeps more expensive?

im thinking of buying a jeep 1995 or older most likly (YJ, TJ) do they tend to be more or less expensive on insurance then the average car?""

""Got caught speeding 36 in a 20, not listed on insurance, driving alone with a learned license?

My driving test is the day before my court hearing and I was wondering how much all this will cost and also if I'm gonna be able to take my test still

How do i add my name to someone else's car insurance?

A friend of mine is willing to teach me to drive in their car. I know you have to add your name to the insurance but don't know how to or how much it will cost. Any info will be greatly apprieciated thanks

Auto insurance quotes in New Jersey?

Hi, where can I get auto insurance quotes for New Jersey area? I need to compare quotes online and hoping to save some money. Currently I think I'm paying way too much for it.""

""I need auto, health, and condo insurance; what is the cheapest way of doing this?""

I need a descent health plan that will cover prescriptions. I am still young and don't need much but I do have a prescription to fill that is about 250 without assistance. So I guess what I'm wondering is if I get all of them through a company like State Farm, will they give me a price break since I use them for everything? Thank you.""

Where can I buy cheap auto insurance?

Where can I buy cheap auto insurance?

I need health insurance?

My boyfriend and I will be moving to NYC to start college next August. We will have very little money, and will have no form of health insurance. Here in California, we both have free insurance provided by the state, but we are barely eighteen, still in high school, and therefore still living with out parents. I suppose what my real question here is can we still get free state issued insurance if we have part time jobs and no children? Or do you have to have dependents to receive that? We both have serious stomach conditions, and are sick very often. We cannot be without health insurance. But we also could not afford to pay for it. Any help?""

How do i find out if a car insurance company is a real company?

I have Geico right now.Got into a reck they raised my insurance 3 times is much i was paying. I found a company Colorado Casualty,They said they will give me insurance at a good price less than i first started with Geico 4 years ago.S o i want to check this company out ,but don't know how.""

What does liability mean with Auto Insurance?

Im in the military so I dont need any medical mine is fully paid but does this mean I dont have any coverage when it comes to damage to my own vehicle? I got quoted $544 for 6 months. ANy idea how much it would be if I got insurance on my vehicle too. Thank you

Where to find discount on car Insurance?

Hello, I am too tight to pay to car insurance companies, looking for chear auto insurance but ofcourse good company who can take care of my car, some discount on insurance policy will be welcome.""

Which car insurance company will accept me; I have a few traffic citations on my record?

Since 2006, I have gotten 3 speeding tickets on my record, and 1 citation for getting into a turning lane too early (3-pointer). I got a speeding ticket in march 2006, february 2007, and december 2008. I got the last turning lane citation just a few weeks ago. I am going to court for both recent citations (from December 08 and a few weeks ago) pretty soon. I will use a no lo contendre to reduce the points on one, and ask to do community service or take a class to reduce the points on the other. I understand that most car insurance companies look at both POINTS and OFFENSES. I am with Liberty Mutual right now under my parent's family plan and since 2006, NONE of my tickets have affected our insurance. I want to take precautions and see who can quote me for having a poor driving record as I mentioned above. This year just might be the year Liberty Mutual will review my record and then, BOOM...rates are sky high. I want to responsible about what I did and get on my own plan soon. What I did was irresponsible and stupid and I am DONE making mistakes on the road. I'm 22, female, a student with a 3.47 GPA (Dean's list), trying to finish my bachelors at a university, and share rent with my brother for an apartment. I work part-time and go to school full-time. Which companies would accept me? I've got a poor driving record, but a good 'student' record--if that even matters. Please help. Otherwise, I will have to wait till some violations clear in 10 years or so. Either way, I would really appreciate if someone could tell me what my options are. I will be out of school by summer 2010 (next year) and will need to get on my own plan by then.""

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

Humboldt Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 61931

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/florida-insurance-umpire-list-riley-schultz/"

[noelcasubha]

Today’s February 1st. Finally!  January felt like it had 40 days or something. It took forever to end!

So last 2017 was a very sucky year, my lowest of lows (READ: End of Chapter 30). And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, it did at the last minute. So I started 2018 feeling like crap coated crap with a crappy filling.

We often don’t know why things happen. What we can try to do is learn how to handle what happened, what we are going to do about it, and what can we get out of it. I tried doing new things to help me feel better, what I think will make me better physically, intellectually, emotionally I guess. But for the most part, I did them because I needed a lot of distraction. They say pain is a good motivator. It is. Sort of. I didn’t need pain to motivate me, it could’ve been something else. But we can’t always get what we want and a push is a push. I needed a push and it was unfortunate that it came as pain.

January marks the start of a new year. New opportunities might open up, you can have a fresh start, having a new perspective in life, and reinventing yourself. I have 12 months, or 52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, or 525600 minutes to make this year better than last year or than the other years that I’ve had. I have to start from somewhere and I decided on these two objectives, 1)  Be Better, and 2) Get a job.

BE BETTER: BODY

First thing that came to mind was my body. If you look good, you feel good. After one year of being unemployed, I got really fat, and now most of my clothes don’t fit. And since I don’t have money to buy new clothes that would fit, or go to the gym, I decided to do exercise that I can do at home or something like that. I also looked into my food intake or diet. Here are the things I did:

Walking or jogging early in the morning from our house to the UPLB Campus and back. I would head out just after 6am, take my walk and only until I get around 10,000 steps will I start heading back home. When I get home, I’ll have around 14,000 steps which is about 8km. I’m home before 9am. I usually do this on MWF. I sue my Mi Fit and Runkeeper apps for this. And Spotify, of course.

When I get home, and/or on days I don’t go out to walk/jog, and whenever I feel like doing more, I do home exercises. I have these two apps on my phone that each give me about 5-7mins of workout. I also use dumbbells. The apps are Fitness and Seven.

I do Intermittent Fasting. My first meal of the day is at lunch, around 12nn and my last meal should end before 8pm. That will give me 16hrs of fasting which is the ideal length of IF. During IF, the only thing I could consume is either water, plain brewed coffee, or plain green tea, as the last two aids your metabolism. (You can read more about IF HERE: https://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting)

I count calories. My current level of activity only allows me to consume around 1700 calories. When I do my morning walk/jog, it gives me an additional 450cal to consume. It’s up to me how I will dole these out within the 8hrs I’m allowed to eat. To give you an idea, 200 grams (3/4 cup) of white rice plus a viand is about 450cal already.  I use an app called Lifesum for this. This cool app gives me a food/calorie journal. Calories are based on the food items registered on the app’s database. You can also encode food items that are not yet in the database by scanning barcodes or manual input.

I take about 2tbsp of Apple Cider Vinegar 30mins before every meal. It’s good for losing weight, making you less hungry (but doesn’t work if the ulam is your favorite. haha), makes you feel full faster, and lowers blood sugar. I mix the ACV with water on a 1:6 ratio because ACV is really strong and can leave you with a burning sensation on your throat.

I try to consume about 4 liters of water everyday. 3 liters minimum.

I try to sleep at around 10pm and usually wake up at arpund 6am if I’ll go walking or 7:30 if I’m not. Enough sleep, and sleeping and waking up early helps you lose weight and feel more energized.

All the apps are synced with the Health app on my phone so they can all compile the data and have a good estimate of the calories I burned on my exercises. After 4 weeks, my belly looks and feels smaller. probably I lost 1 inch or so. One of my jeans that I had trouble putting on now fits nicely around my waist and hips. I now even need to wear a belt with it. Also, my mom complimented me that I looked like I was losing weight. Good job, self!

BE BETTER: MIND AND SOUL

Physical is now okay, so let’s do the mental, intellectual, spiritual:

Usually before going home after my walk/jog, I drop by at the St Therese Chapel to say a short prayer. I also pray a lot now, like before going to sleep and upon waking up. It makes me feel better. Also, Psalm 34:18.

I’m learning how to use Adobe Illustrator. As a Graphic Designer for more around 8 years now, I’ve only used Photoshop and Indesign. When it comes to making detailed graphics like vectors, icons, logos, etc., I think I will be able to do a better, faster job using Illustrator. After this, I might learn how to use video editing softwares like Sony Vegas or Adobe Premiere.

I’m also learning Mandarin with Duolingo. I am applying for a Marketing Officer – Trainee at SM. One preferred skill is being able to speak Mandarin as the trainees might be sent of to China for SM’s first mall in China and their biggest yet anywhere.

I’ve had a Meditation app on my phone. Haven’t been able to use it because people at home are very noisy so I can’t find a time where I can meditate.

I try to write more often here in my blog to practice writing. Not sure if I’m getting any good but it does give me something to do.

I’m also learning how to drive. I’ve driven golf carts a couple of times before. Driven an old AT Mitsubishi Lancer up a hill twice. Now, I’m learning using an old MT Suzuki Beaver, a small jeep-type vehicle. I really can’t drive due to my poor eyesight but it’s a nice skill to have especially in case of emergencies.

I feel like I want to do more but I can’t think of anything to do that is easily or readily available now, and free. Any suggestions?

JOB VS CAREER

I have been looking for a new job for more than a year now. And why my 2017 sucked is despite my many attempts, I’m still unemployed. I never applied at a job that’s beyond my skillset or experience. I don’t want to apply at a job that I know I won’t enjoy or stay long at. I guess getting a job is a lot more difficult now and there’s always someone who is better at doing what you do. What’s different now is I am more determined in getting a job within my field of interest and taking more risks. I want a job that I can build a career. I am a Marketing and Communication professional. But I am also looking into Teaching as I feel like I’d be good at that. Also, on one of my part-time jobs where I was a trainer/facilitator, I really enjoyed it and got a few compliments on how good I was and should consider having teaching as a career. I’m 31 years old now and I really need to get my shit done.

  Being a better person is nice and all but really right now, what I desperately need is a job. I don’t like not having a job for a very long time as I feel it makes me less valuable as a professional.

Also, I need to provide for my family. I have plans of having some parts of our house fixed especially my parents’ bedroom and bathroom. Currently they sleep at my room because before, they used to sleep at our living room. But when I moved to Tagaytay for work, and since I go home like once or twice a month only, I told them that they can sleep in my room in the meantime. Even though I’m staying here at home for more than a year now, i still let them sleep in my room while I sleep in the living room. What kind of a son would I be if I put my comfort first before my parents.

Another reason is I really need to start saving up for my future. Plus I want to try traveling on my own, even just local. I don’t get to travel a lot so while I don’t have my own family yet, this would be a great time to explore.

Anyway, that’s how I’m making the most out of my time right now. I hope I get my break soon. I need a win and I need it now. Pray for me and wish me good luck!

  JaNEWary Today's February 1st. Finally!  January felt like it had 40 days or something. It took forever to end!

[opepin]

august: week three

14: omg, summer is almost over. omg, when did summer even start? having a job just messes that up for you. lol, i’ll probably realize it’s fall when fall is almost over... anyway, it was a struggle getting up but i did and i did some hip hop cardio. then i showered and ate breakfast. my stomach hasn’t felt too good since a couple days ago and it caught up to me. i felt really full after eating my regular english muffin so i just took my time to get to work. also, there was a moderate delay on the red line so i took the train to work with kevin. i dropped off my nikes at the postal office -- i’m super excited to get a refund back (but a bit sad to let go of my nike roshe cherry blossom editions, cry) so i can get workout shoes (shoes that i will try not to wear outside).

i wore my winnie the pooh vans for the first time in forever and they were killing my feet. i tried putting my insoles in there but it made my foot hit the top of the shoe and made my toes feel extremely uncomfortable. also, my socks would show. when i finally fixed my shoes (i have decided to not hide my laces for any sneaker anymore because i rather have my shoe fit than look pretty but kill my feet), my heels were scraped raw. well, that’s a lesson learned. lol. i did some work while watching the latest episode of ‘love connection’ and found out that none of my team members were coming in today LOL. oh well. i walked over to the taco party food truck for lunch and met up with kevin and his team. i actually ended up getting gogi on the block because it’s gogi on the block and it’s delicious. the worker there asked me if i was korean lulz. i still got it ;P i let kevin have a bite of my bowl and then peaced out and ate the rest of my lunch in the office.

i did template work and then stopped by the devs’ office to give haowei his nordic treats. :P haowei told me about his trip to taiwan and china and then i gave him a bit of a tour of where our current offices are in wework. then i went back, packed up, and rushed over to the train station where kevin was waiting for me. we took the train back and then he got on a call and i continued working. we worked some more and then i made some rice and put the chicken thighs in the oven before i did my back workout. i started doing ballet back workouts (so barre) and they burn so much! then i showered while kevin cooked the veggies. we ate dinner while watching another episode of agents of shield. i think i’m hooked! haha. then kevin went to clean up and game while i hopped into bed and continued reading some of the journey mapping book dave gave me. then i decided to watch some more agents of shield (kevin already watched season 1). i watched one episode and then went back to reading. i brushed my teeth and then read another chapter before going to sleep at like 11:30 pm, lol. i feel like an old lady.

15: my body keeps wanting me to wake up at 6:30 am for some reason... but if i wake up, i won’t have enough sleep?! wut. i managed to do a hiit workout in the morning, showered, ate the last scallion roll bun T_T and then sent kevin off to work lol. i did some logistical stuff in the morning and booked my christmas flight to chicago. then i did some template work and talked to phil for a bit. i scheduled a good amount of calls for tomorrow and thursday so i’ll be busier then. it was a pretty chill day with a lot of calls. i stayed on stand up for a design call (i guess) and then also found out that our lays chips order is out of stock on amazon and it got me real heated D:< kevin is gonna handle the rest though. i also found a great deal for iceland this upcoming fall/winter! we’re gonna book our flight this week so i’m excited! the rest of the day, i worked while watching agents of shield, lol. what a day...

things got a bit crazy when jeanne messaged me and asked me to go out for dinner because she was here for work?! she didn’t get out until 6:30 pm so it was doable. i talked on the phone with my mom for a bit and then did a 30 minute weighted butt workout. then i showered and cut up everything and prepped everything for claypot chicken. kevin got back from climbing and then he showered while i put everything in the rice cooker to cook. then i washed dishes and changed and headed out. we’d be late for dinner and i was super ksjfdnskjfn about it. kevin and i rode in different train carts so i could cool down and so he wouldn’t just go back home and not come. x( we apologized to each other and then met up with jeanne and had a late dinner. lol we were ordering with our stomaches but food is good. we ate at scholars bar and lounge near jeanne’s hotel. we got drinks, ate, and caught up! it was fun talking to jeanne in person again :) we walked her back to her hotel and then we took the train back home. i ended up falling asleep on the sofa for an hour or so and then got up and brushed and went back to sleep. i think i ko’d before 12 am on the couch. lol, i can’t hang anymore.

16: i worked from home again today and it was another pretty chill day until afternoon. x_x; i watched more episodes while working and then got on stand up and led a call with a client that went ... ok. it wasn’t my best call but, it’s done and i am leading another session with them again on tuesday... i’m hoping to get them to understand the learning curve and what not. then kevin came back home early and we did some apartment things and he gamed while i watched more agents of shield lol. i had to put salonpas all over my neck and shoulders because they were super stiff when i woke up. i’m an old lady. lol. then i went to do my oblique workout, showered, and then kevin and i ate leftovers for dinner while watching more agents of shield. i continued this into the night lol. i got to the plot twist episode and i still can’t believe it. x__x; then i got ready for bed and ko’d before 12 am. it was a really chill at home day. 

17: it felt weird waking up at 7 am... hmm. i was extremely tired so i decided to take it easy today. i did a low-impact workout and then showered and ate breakfast before catching the train. i felt really bloated today too D: i decided to test how long it would take for me to walk to the starbucks across the bridge because i really wanted to re-try the pineapple black tea infusion drink. i ordered it on my app and forgot to put “no ice” x( and then when i got off the train, i walked over there. it took longer than i expected and i got to the office right as dave did as well. it took me 30 minutes in total to get it and walk to the office. so i’m just gonna wait for the closer starbucks to finish renovating and go there. also, the tea infusion (aka the pina colada) tastes just as watered down as the one i had at the airport. i’m gonna stick to my pink drink. dave went over new features with me as well as talking about journey atlases and such. it helped me get more direction in what i was supposed to be doing.

just as i started to get into it, i check the ups tracking number for the nikes i am trying to return for a refund and they haven’t been scanned in yet. so i look up information online and find out that there are mixed reviews about usps handing things off to ups... some say they do it and some say they return it to the address. the thing is, the return address on the box is kevin’s old address in chicago because i ordered my nike roshes there. T__T omggg. so i walk over to the post office where i dropped them off and i ask one of the guys working there and he just tells me that it’s not there anymore and that i should call ups and see if they picked it up and forgot to update it or that it’s been shipped back to the return address. so i walk back to the office and call ups and the very nice lady told me that i should wait at least a week and see if it shows up at the return address and/or ups. if not, i should call them again and then place a lost package claim. i contacted mike about it and unfortunately, his lease is up tomorrow. my luck is the worst T___T i plan to call park evanston (i ordered it with kevin’s name and old address) in a week if nothing turns up.. sigh...

i was too frazzled to work and dave could clearly see that. i told him what happened and he informed me of a mailing loophole :O it’s so sneaky! but he told me that it was cool and i let him know that i was going to kevin’s fitbit outdoor bbq thing after all-hands. he was chill with it. then we got on all-hands and it was my first time presenting to everyone in the company x__x; so my morning had me frazzled and then i was supposed to present in the last 5 minutes of the all-hands meeting so that got me stressed af. i blew through my presentation in 2 minutes when i was supposed to take 5 L O L. i needed to breathe when presenting and/or slow down. everyone said i did a good job though. actually, after we signed off, john, steve, and cole ran into our office to congratulate me on my first time presenting something on all-hands LOL. they scared the crap out of me but i felt so loved! awww it was the best!

oh, before all-hands, i stopped by haowei’s office to get some of those taiwanese and chinese treats he got. he had this mochi jelly candy, peanut brittle, garlic pea-based chips, and seaweed / seafood cracker. i loved the mochi jelly and the chips were bomb af. thanks so much for bringing those. i really needed them because i was going without food until 1 pm after all-hands. so the guys left and then i headed out. i got off jfk/umass and waited for kevin’s slow af train. then we didn’t know what direction to go to and which location the bbq was at so we just called a lyft. we planned to get there at 1:30 pm and we got there a bit past 2:15 pm LOL. the lyft driver went around to pick us up and he also picked up other people. there was also a ton of construction in the area we were going to... i was on stand up during this ride and during a bit of the bbq... i left stand up because it went on for too long and i wanted to eat without wearing my gigantic af headset. the bbq was cold by the time we ate and it was unfulfilling... so we just ate and called another lyft and left. we said hi to matt though LOL.

we took the train home and then i felt lazy but also that i needed to get work done. we bought our tickets to iceland for the beginning of february and then kevin called norwegian to check on our flight delay compensation. i charged my fitbit and then started to work on the journey atlas. i kept running back and forth from productivity at first but then i got into my groove and completed it! kevin went off to game after doing his errands. oh, i signed up for robinhood and my free stock was fcking groupon. -__-” it’s only worth $3 and it’s declining. i hate groupon. lol. i managed to do a dance cardio workout while kevin cooked. i was feeling pretty moody~ then i showered and watch agents of shield while kevin finished up cooking. we watched more agents of shield while eating. we ate later than usual so i got prepared for bed after that. kevin went to shower and i ko’d in the bed before 12 am.

18: it was so gloomy outside ): i did a hiit workout for 20 minutes and then finished off my morning workout with cardio hip hop. then i showered and ate breakfast. kevin was fast asleep when i left for work. dave was in the office when i got there and we got to talk about the eclipse and some work related stuff. i spent the day preparing for my journey map creation walkthrough with one of our clients. i ran into all the roadblocks... it’s gonna be real hard and i need to mock it up. i walked over to faneuil hall and checked to see if uniqlo still had those chiffon skirts. they didn’t but i’m not sad about it :P i waited for kevin inside koy -- we made a lunch reservation for dine out boston there. kevin looked like he just rolled out of bed when i saw him. he slept at 4 am apparently x__x; we shared shrimp tempura and the tofu pillows for appetizers and i got bibimbap and he got jajangmyun -- both were delicious. i don’t like jajangmyun though LOL. we had the best dessert: coconut ice cream with a creme brulee’d banana <3333

as we walked back to work, i could tell kevin was sleepy and tired. haha. well, he was sleepy in the restaurant as well. we split at a bridge and i got back to the office and went back to work. oh! i got an email from nike in the morning telling me that they got the shoes and have refunded me. I AM SO HAPPY LOL. phewwww. but why didn’t they update the tracking number info?!?!?!?!?!? ugh, whatever. ahha. now i can buy my new shoes for working out ;D anyway, after figuring out my training situation with the help of dave and matthew, i left the office at around 4:05 pm with matthew. matthew let me know that he is going to leave t7 :( i’m pretty sad about it...but he says it happens. i wish him the best and i am thankful that i got to work with him :) we split at south station because i was going to pick up kevin from work. kevin met me a block away from his office and then we walked back to south station together :3 when we got back, i had the munchies so we both ate our leftovers from koy and watched agents of shield. then we took a break before going to roche to get fruit. kevin sometimes makes me feel dumb when he asks certain questions that he has already vetted out the answers for. so when i tell him what i think, he’ll be like ‘that’s not possible’ and then proceed to tell me i’m wrong in a bit of a condescending way when i thought he was just having fun thinking about it. so that’s what happened and i felt shitty for the rest of the day and we didn’t talk for the rest of the night because he didn’t 100% understand my reasoning for feeling this way and i was too tired to say ‘it’s pms’ because it really was and i was being too sensitive.

well, we got back and then i went straight into a butt workout with free weights and it KILLED ME LOL. i didn’t know that it would make me sweat so much. it was a great workout. before i showered, i got a call from michelle asking for shopping help LOL. we talked for a bit and then tried getting jeanne to skype with us but she got back too late and i was already half asleep in bed because i am a granny. after the call, i showered and then packed all my stuff into my thredup clean out bag. i want to try this out and see what happens. :P then i watched some videos and stuff before going to sleep feeling slightly less shitty but still a little. overall, i felt fine but i just didn’t want to talk to kevin because i was feeling tired and drained from these hormonal changes. we cuddled at night and i told him in the morning it was pms and he totally understood. LOL.

19: i didn’t feel good today -- very tired and sore. i started my trade-in for my macbook in the morning and then did some errands and watched some videos here and there until kevin finished eating and played a few games so we could go to the mall and go suit shopping. we stopped by nordstrom first and kevin tried on a suit and a tux. then we went to express to try on some suit jackets and then we stopped by auntie anne’s to get an original pretzel to split ;) and finally, we stopped at milton’s. oh, we stopped by francesca’s and i did some shopping but ended up not getting anything -- i didn’t spend too long in there according to kevin. :P kevin tried on a dress shirt and then they recommended him to get one made from an algorithm, which was pretty cool. he got to pick out the material, collar type, and what kind of cuffs he wanted. kevin’s shirt fit him perfectly so we ordered one for him and will pick it up in a week. we stopped by a tailor that is located downstairs and she said she could hem and taper his current pants.

so we drove back and i ate some lunch and then kevin got his dress shoes and pants and we drove back to drop them off. the alterations was only $30 -- cheap in comparison to buying another pair of dress pants. then we went to the target connected to the mall and got new brush heads for our electric toothbrushes. oh, we also got kung fu tea from the new stall in the mall. we got this pina colada slush with orange(?!) tapioca and it was delicious. we were pooped from shopping for that long so we chilled for the rest of the day. while kevin cooked general tso’s chicken for dinner, i did a 40 minute workout and then showered and watched some agents of shield. the chicken wouldn’t crisp up :( and the flavor is still a bit off but it was delicious~ after showering, i decided to do laundry. i washed the sheets already and then i washed our clothes. i stayed up watching agents of shield while my hair was drying and then folding clothes. the rest of the night, i spent looking for my damn missing sock T____T idk where it is. i hope it’s not clogging up the air pump in my top loader. we’ll find out next week, lol. i was obsessed with finding it and i didn’t want to make the bed without kevin’s help so i stayed up until like 2 am or something and instantly ko’d on the bed after brushing my teeth.

20: i got out of bed at around 10 am and then went straight to cleaning the kitchen and bathroom after brushing my teeth. midway through cleaning, i ate breakfast and then went to clean the tub. at around 12 or 12:30 pm, kevin finally woke up LOL. he was totally ko’d on the bed every time i walked into the bedroom. i let him be because i was in cleaning mode. i finished cleaning the tub and then did a 30 minute workout while kevin ate. i quickly showered and then called the folks over at codzilla to see if there were any open spots for today. we signed up for a 6 pm slot and then meal planned and went grocery shopping. we picked up 3 live summer maine lobsters and then came back and cooked them. i wanted to kill them humanely but i don’t think i would have had the arm strength to properly do it and kevin just wanted to boil them... so i helped kevin clip off the rubber bands (there was one lobster that clung on to the rubber band for like a minute because it didn’t want to die T__T).

i also made mango dofu dessert (mango agar jelly) for dessert. we cleaned everything up and then took the train into the city to get on codzilla! we stopped by the only chase atm and starbucks. we got a pink drink because kevin was thirsty. we made it just in time to pick up our tickets and get on the boat. we got okay seats because we got there too late :( lol the beginning of the ride was nice; we went at a fast speed and got wind blown into our hair and everything. the captain did some tilts and stuff but nothing that got us wet. the second go around though, LOLOLOL he would go super fast and then stop and a ton of water would just hit everyone in the face. as the ride went on, his tilts got steeper and we got wet from the sides as well. the best part was going back and he went SUPER fast to the point where our gums were like flapping around and stuff ahhaha. we got SUPER SUPER wet then. i couldn’t stop laughing but the water was so damn salty haha. we went back to the dock at a fast speed but only to dry us off. we were pretty much completely dried when we got back. it was super fun! i feel like we kinda got trolled in the beginning where nothing was happening, but it was totally worth it.

we took the train home and then kevin cooked the lobster in lemon herb butter and i helped make garlic bread. i took a shower because my skin was super dried out and salty. my hair looked real good though lolol. then we ate while watching agents of shield, kevin cleaned up, and i forced myself to do my ab workout LOL. kevin went on a run shortly after. then i actually showered and washed my hair and everything and chilled on the bed until like 1 am... then i got ready for bed and went to sleep. i need to readjust my sleeping schedule a bit hahaha. it was a fun packed day (: