#had to stop myself before I wrote out the whole meta here lol

[sevensoulmates]

if it was about his feelings for eddie why did he kiss tommy, like i want to have faith I do but it's hard after episodes like that. is buck ever going to realize his feelings for eddie? idk

First of all, Tommy kissed BUCK, so jot that down. Tommy was the initiator here.

Second of all, Buck obviously had no clue he could feel attracted to men UNTIL Tommy kissed him (as evidenced by his claim in 7x01), so how on earth was he supposed to realize he's into Eddie 2.5 seconds after kissing a man for the first time?

Third of all, kissing Tommy gives Buck a digestible target to place all of his Big Bisexual Boyfeelings for Eddie. Not recognizing what his feelings are DOES NOT EQUAL him not having feelings at all. As evidenced by this episode and every episode since 2x01, Buck has romantic feelings for Eddie but BOTH of them have been living this heteronormative lie that they can ONLY be best friends. Up until now, Buck FIRMLY believed he could only ever be Eddie's friend because Eddie's a guy and they're both hetero, but now that's not true.

Let Buck have a MINUTE to process his feelings for christ's sake.

I need y'all to start treating this season as if it was Buddie in the very very beginning stages. Because it is. Obviously, Fox was not letting it happen and ABC is only just now giving them the green light to let it happen. They don't want to jump the gun and trust me we will ALL be thankful they took their sweet time in the end.

Get used to things taking a while and learn some patience. Some of us have been waiting for an episode like this for seven years. This arc is only just starting and we just got greenlit for season 8. Let the show unveil the story at its own pace, and don't stress needlessly.

[makeste]

“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua​ has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua​ and @class1akids​’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua​ pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Thoughts on The Buddie Talk from 502

Other folks have looked at this conversation, but I wanted to get on my bullshit about it too. LOL.

So imho this whole conversation is about love and heart, specifically Eddie’s but with Buck’s heart added in. Line by line analysis and commentary. Let the BS begin. Here we go…

Buck: Hey are you sleeping, or just pretending?

Day and night/light and dark are strong themes throughout the episode. @benka79 did a meta on this theme. I think that by extension, awake vs asleep is meaningful in this scene. In matters of the heart, Eddie is trying to sleep or turn a blind eye, doing what he thinks is best for Chris rather than himself. This is exactly what Carla warned him against. But he knows. He knows that Carla is right but he’s ignoring her and trying to ignore Buck. He’s only pretending to be in the dark about his heart and his desires, at least to a degree.

Eddie: I was actually trying to until you interrupted.

Enter Buck, shaking shit up. Interrupting Eddie’s well-intentioned lie. Eddie knows there’s more than meets the eye and Buck is forcing him to open his eyes, wake up and see what’s really going on and reckon with himself and his true desires.

Buck: I’m exhausted. Uh, how are you feeling?

This line has been rattling around in my brain for what feels like a thousand years. Buck is NOT asleep, he’s not able to turn a blind eye. And being the only one willing to look directly at matters of the heart is wearing him out. Dude’s exhausted! He SEES that something is up with Eddie’s heart and he wants Eddie to tell him all about it.

Eddie: Hot. I’m sweating out of places I didn’t know I could.

During the blackout, AC isn’t working so everyone is sweating. Buck even has a thin layer of sweat in the scene. Sweating from the heat is normal and completely reasonable, but is that what’s being invoked here? We know that sweating is also a symptom of health issues (panic and heart problems not the least among them, and definitely symbolically relevant here). Eddie looks like he’s sweating for normal reasons but in the next line Buck questions that.

Buck: No uh like a cold sweat though, right? Uh, any chest pains?

Again, Buck is wide awake. He KNOWS something is wrong with Eddie’s heart/feelings and that Eddie is hiding it from him. He jumps to cold sweats, the kind that are most connected to health problems and are not about the actual temperature in the room. Then follows up with asking about chest pains. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Buck is paralleled with the cardiologist. She’s about Eddie’s literal heart but Eddie’s figurative heart is in Buck’s hands and Buck’s hands only. And my dude is assertively assessing the situation.

Eddie: You don’t give up, do you? I’m fine, Buck.

Good ol’ Eddie, perfecting his avoidance and denial game. But he knows Buck. He does NOT ever give up and he especially doesn’t give up on the people he loves. Eddie recognized this and thanked Buck for it in 303. Buck didn’t give up on Christopher during the tsunami, or on Eddie in Eddie Begins or in Survivors. But that was about Chris and Eddie’s life. This scene in 502 is new in a way. Buck is refusing to give up on Eddie’s heart, his feelings. Now Buck is fighting for Eddie’s quality of life, for his happiness.

Buck: People who are fine don’t go and see cardiologists. You need to tell me if something is wrong.

Buck was so worried about Eddie in 501. Of course Eddie denied that anything was wrong but Buck isn’t stupid. In 501 he asked about the situation clearly and openly because he cares about Eddie and wants to help in any way he can, and Eddie pushed him away. So here in 502 he implicitly invokes the Will. He’s like fine if you won’t tell me as your friend who gives a shit about you, then tell me for Chris’s sake because thanks to the will, I actually fucking need to know if you’re going to drop dead.

Eddie: Alright, it was a panic attack, not a heart attack. A panic attack.

Eddie’s frustrated confession was solid gold. It laid my edges and raised my credit score. He knows that Buck’s persistence is harmless and comes from a genuine place of respect and care. Still, that doesn’t make it any less annoying for a man who’s trying to sleep, pretending his own heart isn’t breaking under the weight of his sense of duty to his son.

Buck: Since when do you panic?

My God, he knows him so well.

Eddie: That’s what I said. I don’t panic. Except I did.

Eddie accepting that this was absolutely a panic attack was huge. Before he had been pushing against the reality of it, but here in Buck’s loving care he could be honest with himself and with Buck that it was indeed panic.

Buck: Ok, well, what triggered it? I mean you did just get shot and almost killed by a sniper. I guess that could be considered an anxiety inducing-

Buck’s in full “cardiologist” mode. He’s paying forward all those years of therapy! What he’s doing here isn’t a replacement for my dude getting some real therapy but here’s Buck with his clipboard efficiently helping Eddie figure his emotional shit out. It’s perfection. It’s also good that he acknowledged the shooting. I think it’s super important that when Buck mentions it, he looks down and away from Eddie.

Buck, my dude, you are not over being covered in the blood of the love of your life. You can still feel his weight in your hands, muscle memory from lifting him above the spray of gasoline and bullets. Eddie may still be asleep on that front but, Buck, you are wide awake and exhausted by the heavy love you’re carrying.

Eddie: That wasn’t it. Ok, if I’m being honest with myself, I think it was Ana.

Oh this is fun. So you are capable of being real, you just choose not to be. Good to know.

Buck: Uh, I thought things were great with her.

Stop. Lying. You saw Eddie get squirrely when talking about the Christening. You saw Eddie get awkward af when A*a and Christopher came to the firehouse. You’ve seen these issues with your own eyeballs. Great? Really? Yeah, this just makes me think muh boy is oblivious and/or he really was expecting Eddie to come clean about issues related to the shooting, not his love life. This reiterates my point that Buck himself is not nearly done with processing the shooting.

Eddie: She’s been a godsend through all this - staying with Christopher - but I think that’s what’s causing the panic. Somehow it become a ready-made family and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

This portion of the conversation has been analyzed to bits by many brilliant others. I don’t have anything to add. I’m like, look dude, you already have a family with Buck and Christopher. A*a’s effin’ up your happy healthy family flow. It’s ok, just turn her loose.

Buck: So what are you gonna do?

Buck’s wisdom grows every frickin’ day. He knows this isn’t sustainable for Eddie. He knows that the heart matters. He knows that feelings are real and help us navigate toward a happy life. Action is needed and he’s nudging Eddie in that direction.

Eddie: I think I’m just gonna stick it out. Ana’s been the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with since Shannon.

Oh dear, Eddie’s overblown sense of duty to everyone but himself strikes again. He can…tolerate… A*a. How romantic!

Buck: Stick it out? That’s not the way you talk about someone you’re in love with.

Um, no. Buck calls shenanigans. He’s not A*a’s bestie but he doesn’t feel any desire whatsoever to have her condemned to a loveless relationship.

Eddie: My kid loves her!

Always putting Christopher first but not realizing that if he isn’t truly happy, Christopher will know because he’s perceptive af. Plus the two haven’t discussed A*a on screen so I’m not convinced Chris loves her as much as Eddie wants to believe.

Buck: Is that enough? Eddie I have been Ana. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who is not all the way in. Deep down you know it and it hurts. It hurts worse than the truth, so if you don’t want to hurt Ana, you owe it to her to be honest.

Buck is doing A LOT of work here to help Eddie see that his plan of inaction is not good. He centers Eddie asking him if staying for Chris is enough. When that doesn’t work, he realizes that Eddie doesn’t care about his own heart enough to leave so he changes strategies and puts himself in A*a’s place to invoke some empathy for A*a from Eddie. It’s super…interesting that Eddie doesn’t care enough for A*a to come to this conclusion on his own!!

Eddie: You know it just feels like a lot man.

Why, my dude?? Explain. Could it be that A*a is serving a purpose beyond Chris? Could it be that staying with her helps you avoid, allows you to pretend and be oblivious to deeper truths within your battered but still beating heart? Does she obscure the Buck shaped hole in your ticker?

Buck: Well, go to sleep. You don’t need to decide right now. It’s not like we’re going home anytime soon.

Buck is disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated and it has my dude slinging shade like morning hash. He’s like fine turn a blind eye, ignore your heart it’s cool *all the sarcasm* Then we get the reference to home and the fact that the two of them are far from it at this point and we all know how important home is as a Buddie theme. I wrote a little about it here.

Bonus: Eddie closed his eyes after Buck walked away, the he OPENED them again. He fully saw what Buck was saying. He can’t avoid the truth of his heart for much longer.

Y’all this has GOT to be the season that one or both of these idiots realize their feelings. Excuse me while I end.

[o-king-of-suns]

Hi ^^ I've recently found ur blog and read ur meta. Ur analysis is great! I'm kinda new here but I've seen so many ppl talk about Levi's guidebook page, referring to it as "the confirmation of what Levi was solely fighting for in the final battle i.e revenge by fulfilling the promise" I'm sorry if this has been pointed out before but as a Levi fan who believes otherwise, I'd love to read ur interpretation. Also u also believe the GB is implying this? I think ppl are having the wrong impression.

Hi! :) Thank you so much! I am glad you liked my meta! English is not my first language, so I try my best to express what I want to say.

Almost everyone agrees that the final guidebook is just an ABSOLUTE hot garbage! xD At this point that no one is taking seriously anymore! xD It straight up contradicts what happens in the manga, has VERY reductive and nonsensical descriptions of the characters and is FULL of errors.

The main reason to why many people have issues with Levi’s part (apart from it having nothing new or because it mainly focused on the promise) is one word that was used in the text that has been translated by some biased people into “obsessed”.

I asked 3 Japanese people (including my teacher) about the word that was used in the text and the meanings that I was given were: (be) dedicated to; have an uncompromising commitment to ; to really focus on; to be determined to; etc. From what I understood, this term is always a headache as it truly depends on what the writer wants to convey and what it “feels” right in the context. "Obsessed” is like, the most reductive reading of that word, and it's the exact word that Er_ris chose to use xD

Japanese is often qualified as vague, and it CAN leave room for interpretation. For example, the word (きれい) Isayama used to say Levi was the opposite of Rorschach could mean "pretty" or "clean" based on the context, but here's the thing: Rorschach is notoriously ugly, so it makes sense that Isayama meant that Levi is "pretty" (and it IS officially translated to "pretty" ), but I have seen MANY Japanese people say that Isayama meant "clean" not “pretty”! This word meaning in the text literally and solely depended on Isayama's intention even causing translators to get confused and translate it to “pretty”! If we look at the context of Levi’s character description in the last gb, the last line mentions that after his final mission, Levi “meets his friends with a calm heart”. Why would Levi be able to meet his friends with a “calm heart” if his entire arc was about him being “obsessed” with a personal goal and revenge?! Is this why he salutes them and they salute him back in the final chapter?! I am 100% sure that the word “obsessed” was not the one that the person who wrote the description wanted to use.

Now let’s stop talking about language translation and focus on Levi in the manga xD Is the gb version Levi the same Levi whom Isayama described as "as an existence more superior to myself" during Levi’s statue reveal just last March?!

You know, when I asked my native Japanese teacher to help me translate Isayama's statement about Levi, she sent me a 4 minute voice note breaking down the terms Isayma used and explaining how much respect the person speaking (Isayama) has for the person he's talking about (Levi). I was embarrassed to tell her that the person he’s speaking about is actually a fictional character lol

Isyama used 頭 の上がらない which literally means “can’t raise someone’s head” but it actually means “can’t raise someone’s head in front someone else for how much respect they have for this person”

Now let’s look at Levi’s actions in the manga to see if we can reach to the same conclusion.

Levi is one of, if not the most, perceptive characters in SNK. In one the official short stories, he was described as a person who is able to “know the true nature of Man”. For Levi, Zeke is a man who cheered with satisfaction as he threw rocks through fifteen year olds. He’s the person who nonchalantly explained to Levi the process of gassing an entire village of unsuspecting civilians and flinging them into an eternal nightmare in order to weaponize their bodies. Zeke’s manipulations are the origin of almost all of Paradis’ problems, whether it’s encouraging Marley to ramp up aggressions or pulling shady shit with Kiyomi, Yelena and the Jaegerists that destabilizes their already vulnerable island. And what’s worse - because we’re reading a story where torn-up characters are often excused by circumstances of coercion or perceived necessity - he doesn’t care. He feels no remorse. He wants to do this. Levi doesn’t know Zeke’s ultimate reasoning of course, but he recognized through the smoke of the campfire a man who doesn’t give a fuck about the wishes and agency of others. Who will force his own will on a race of humans and call it mercy. AND YET, Levi stays with him for  A WHOLE MONTH in the forest bringing him books, drinks and a pillow to sit on. He keeps asking him about what happened in Connie’s village trying over and over to understand him. And then the guy transforms Levi’s own teammates in front of him, forces him to kill them and taunts him with their suffering. Levi perceives a person who’s arrogant enough to consider his cruelty compassion as he decides whether the lives of their children are worth living.YET, Levi decided to keep him alive because he believed that it is what’s the best for Paradis; a decision that eventually caused Levi’s severe injuries and the activation of the Rumbling!

During the final battle, Levi offered to act as a bait for Mikasa so she can try to bring back Armin and risks his life TWICE to save Jean and Connie risking his chances to ever fulfill his promise to Erwin.

Please tell me now that these are actions of an “obsessed” man who is only focused on killing Zeke and revenge.

The first time Levi mentions the vow after the time skip, he says: “Erwin, I think I will be finally able to fulfill the vow I made to you that day. Your deathS had meaning. At last I will be able to prove it”  Levi clearly associates giving meaning to his comrades’ deaths WITH fulfilling his vow to Erwin. This is the line that proves that the vow has always meant something more.

Levi made a promise that came to represent the fulfillment of the goal all his former Survey Corps comrades laid down their lives for. Slaying the Beast Titan took on symbolic stature, a tangible way of giving their sacrifices meaning - especially in a world where the circumstances had drastically shifted and enemies, allies, and other were suddenly seen from a completely different perspective.

In Ch. 136, Levi remembers his friends and reflects upon their sacrifices and what they meant. They did not sacrifice their lives to “trample the lives and hearts of others”.

We never got a SINGLE panel in which he says that he fulfilled his promise! In the last apparition of his fallen comrades, Erwin isn’t even in the center. He salutes his fallen comrades for devoting their hearts for humanity and they salute him back for honoring their sacrifices.

If there is one thing that Levi was “obsessed” about, it is him trying to give meaning to the deaths and sacrifices of the people who truly devoted their hearts to humanity and whom he truly loved

[spockandawe]

I doubt this is something I’ll ever even try to write, because I rarely have the energy these days to devote my energy to a ‘lol but what if’ ship. But never say never, and I legit wrote the emilonni and tlj/sqq fics, after all, so I’m going to write this down and maybe, possibly, someday come back to it.

Now, hear me out

Wei Wuxian/Jin Zixun

Yes, yes, I know, but give me a second. It’s the sort of ship where I kind of want to do it just to see if it can be done, and where the idea of ‘textual support’ is kind of laughable, and it’s not like I’m smashing together two super-popular characters who just never happened to speak, and it’s the kind of ship where I think I could only shake one fic out of it before I was repeating myself, BUT.

First, a quote:

The person at the head of the group was Jin Zixun. He said, “Zixuan, is that Wei making trouble for you again?!”

Jin Zixuan said, “None of your business, don’t worry about it for now!” Seeing that Wei Wuxian grabbed Jiang Yanli and was about to take her away, he added, “Stop!”

Wei Wuxian said, “Oh, you want to fight? That’s fine with me!”

Jin Zixun said, “You Wei, just what do you mean by going against Zixuan so many times?”

Wei Wuxian looked at him. “Who are you?”

Jin Zixun paused in shock, and fumed, “You don’t know who I am?!”

“Why should I know who you are?”

When the Sunshot Campaign had first broken out, Jin Zixun had insisted on defending the back lines, due to an injury. He hadn’t had the chance to see what Wei Wuxian was like on the front lines, and most of his knowledge had come from rumors. He hadn’t care much for him, thinking that the rumors were simply exaggerations. However, a while ago, Wei Wuxian had summoned all of the dark creatures in the forest with a whistle, calling away the fierce corpses Jin Zixun’s group had been about to capture, causing their efforts to be wasted. He was already displeased.

Now, in front of his face, Wei Wuxian was asking who he was, stirring up a strange sense of indignation within him— He knew Wei Wuxian, yet Wei Wuxian didn’t know him, and even dared ask who he was in front of everyone. It was as if this had caused him to lose too much face. The more he thought about it, the more irritated he became.

Now, there’s a thoughtful meta I hopefully reblogged to my sideblog, which I would have to dig up or recreate on my own, about the most sympathetic possible reading of Jin Zixun. If memory serves, it has a lot to do about the precarious nature of his social position, where he’s part of the Jin clan, and kind of the closest thing Jin Zixuan has to a brother, but also, everyone knows that Jin Zixuan has half-siblings coming out of the woodwork, and many of them would be stoked to get Jin Guangshan to accept them into the family. At this stage in the story, Jin Guangyao is already a major player and a hero of the war and part of the venerated triad, where Jin Zixun spent a lot of time... not in the thick of things, like most other peers of his generation.

Is he an asshole? Yes! Is... Wei Wuxian an asshole? Also yes! One of them may be a more likeable asshole than the other, but that’s part of the excitement of a story like this, trying to coax people into holding a fannish position that they’d never considered before, and aren’t particularly eager to be convinced of. I don’t think I’m bad at that uphill climb, it just takes a lot of energy that I don’t often have to begin that journey in the first place. Also, one of these assholes is a certified grade-A torturer, and it’s probably not the one you dislike. Jin Zixun isn’t starting from an insurmountable disadvantage here. 

And see, the thing that got my attention is this: Earlier in this chapter, Wei Wuxian is a little melancholy, thinking about how since the Sunshot Campaign, lots of people are scared of him, hardly anyone is willing to be alone with him, and almost nobody would ever be willing to approach him alone. And here, we get the information that because Jin Zixun was injured early and wasn’t on the front lines of the Sunshot Campaign, he doesn’t know to be afraid. He tried to provoke Wei Wuxian before the hunt, he’s about to keep provoking Wei Wuxian, he’s Jin Zixun and he doesn’t afraid of anything. Yes, he’s about to say some very hurtful things, but I look at that, and I think ‘okay, now how do we recover from this?’ Giving Wei Wuxian someone who just... plain isn’t afraid of him (but is also derailed by me, your author, from taking that to unrecoverable places) would be good for him. Jiang Cheng will antagonize him and isn’t afraid of him, but they also share years of history and are dealing with a lot of other stresses in this situation, and Jiang Cheng is asking things from Wei Wuxian that Wei Wuxian is struggling to provide, and the golden core thing is still hanging between them. Lan Wangji isn’t afraid of Wei Wuxian, but Wei Wuxian parses his concern and worries as antagonism and criticism, and those stress him out in a whole different way. This dynamic, as much as I would have to work to make it happen, would bring something new to the table.

One of my favorite activities is crackshipping with sincerity, and when I poke at this, it genuinely feels like richer territory than it looks at first glance. A lot of the antagonists share some fascinating character notes with our lead, and what’s most interesting to me here is an elevated-but-precarious social position and the various stresses that puts upon our characters. Jin Guangyao is the most obvious example, and Su She echoes it more quietly, with how he struggled within the Lan Sect and eventually left (honestly, kudos to him for him and mianmian to be two of the only characters to realize that their home was hurting them and to leave). Jin Zixun is in a family position that’s close to being brothers with his sect’s heir, but isn’t quite brothers, and is close to the seat of power, but also in a precarious social position if someone acts against him. Jin Guangshan and Madam Jin create a dysfunctional family dynamic to grow up in, where Jin Guangshan’s heart attention strays from his wife, and his wife has beat at least one kid who wasn’t biologically hers in the household.

There’s some common ground, is all I’m saying

I don’t even know what would happen, necessarily, I’m talking this all out here right now, and the interesting part of ships like this is digging in extra deep, and seeing what unexpected thing shakes out. It isn’t quite in the style of the other notable rarepair fics I have managed to write, which tend to follow a paradigm of ‘[person] is floating unmoored from the world, and [love interest] gets them engaged with life again’, but it’s not totally out of line with my interests. Svsss won’t give us more detail about Tianlang-jun? Okay, what happens if I make him hopelessly fond, what happens then? What happens if I properly re-engage his sense of humor? I hardly had anything of substance to go on with Horuss, and that fic is old, but I managed to pull interesting things out of him with Roxy. And I mean... what does happen when Jin Zixun stops self-destructively antagonizing the people around him and starts acting in more neutral ways? Not even positive, I think this relationship is going to have a strong antagonistic component, but what happens if he stops basing his interactions purely on who gets the higher rung on the social ladder?

Now, I do have a problem, which is that plot is something that happens to other people. See also: the reason there has not been a tianlang-jun sequel. I think that it would almost definitely have to do with repairing the situation between Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli and both of them managing to dial it back a LITTLE so as not to completely sabotage their family member’s happiness, and that leading things forward. And in a ridiculous pipe dream that will never be realized, because either possible pov will be completely oblivious, I would also want to include Jin Zixuan’s confused bisexual awakening and his resentful (also confused) attraction towards Wei Wuxian, even if he still ends up with Jiang Yanli, but... wei wuxian isn’t going to notice, and neither is jin zixun, SO. That’s probably right out. And the plot implications would have to be... significant. Setting it post-Sunshot campaign means that the Wen situation is simmering, and any plot that involves me untangling that mess... terrifying! I wouldn’t know where to begin! But like, also. What if I could write this ship in a compelling way. I bet I could do it. Nothing feels as good as the sensation of ‘I have scored points on my own darling readers by convincing them to like something they didn’t want to like’, and usually, I only get that from the second person pov. It would be so hard to write this ship. But also, what if I did it.

[serenedash]

I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

[rpbetter]

what's the nicest possible way to tell a close friend their roleplay blogs suck and if they want followers and interaction like they keep complaining about they have to actually put effort into it instead of just making blog after blog and slapping a character on it like that's they need to do. I've tried to suggest this to her before by comparing other blogs that play her muse but she just feels inadequate instead of inspired to emulate them which I understand but it's very frustrating when I suggest a million ways to make her blog better and she brushes them all off for one reason or another and I don't want to say anything because she's like a sister to me. sigh.

Unfortunately, the short answer to this is that there really isn't any way you can make her see this unless she's ready to see it.

But, I don't like giving those sorts of answers, they feel hopeless and shitty, so, let's try this...

Understanding what the problem with your friend and her connecting with this information is, is important. It might help in talking to her about the issue.

What I find in these instances, and a lot of similar ones, is that the mun is unhappy about the results but quite happy with the process. She's enjoying some part of this, it's just not the lack of interaction, obviously. It's the very things she's doing to turn people off of her muses.

I think a lot of people get kind of addicted to new muses. I mean, the entire process of having a new muse:

interest to outright fixation, no matter how short-lived, in a new, inspiring muse

who is almost certainly in a new fandom, and probably, one that is very busy and popular at the moment

"someone stop me" phase, even though they've already decided

picking the perfect URL, creating the new blog, making the graphics and batches of icons

reblogging All The Content about the new muse, at least, the visual content and maybe, a couple of "oof, right in the feels" style short meta posts

plugging the new muse on the old blogs, through friends, etc.

mass follows

new mutuals! Shiny new meme asks in the inbox! New threads!

It's about the newness, the excitement, and the irrationally promising feeling that damn it, this time, the blog and muse is going to be successful, popular even, beloved, the actual favorite iteration of the character in the RPC. Like anything exciting, it's addicting for people. And like anything addicting, it can take hitting rock bottom and going several more feet down, a few times, before they're over it and want to change.

Which is, of course, where you come in with your as-yet failed RP interventions.

What makes what you're trying to do here very difficult is that there isn't a total bottoming out she's going to reach. There will always be something new and exciting coming out with a new and exciting muse that'll fix the problem, in her mind. There will always be the option and availability to create another blog, slap another muse on it, rinse and repeat. With shampoo and conditioner that never runs out.

You definitely had the right idea by trying to get her to contrast between why what she is doing isn't working the way she wants and why what someone else is doing is working out that way. It's just, as you found out, often not the best idea, no matter how well-intentioned it is. With her blogs constantly failing for reasons she refuses to believe, it's incredibly likely she's already done some comparison in all the wrong ways, ultimately going back and forth between blaming the other iterations, finding nothing but errors in the way they write the character and set up their blogs, and feeling depressed that she's not good enough, but they are.

So, you might have unintentionally inflamed all of this! She could be in a place where she's even more likely to believe that what she's doing is great as a defense mechanism for being hard on herself.

I'd also like to say that I'm aware the "right" advice here is, "there's nothing you can do, you'll just make her feel bad, people have a right to RP however they want." But, you're also her friend, and you have to be around the complaining and upset when this just keeps happening.

Furthermore, when we have very close friends like this, we automatically keep trying to fill in the gaps for them at cost to ourselves - every time they make another blog/muse, we get roped into writing things we know are just going to be dropped, making them things we know are going to left on a deserted blog, and so on. Eventually, it makes you feel bad about yourself because your efforts aren't good enough, either. It can really ruin the hobby for you, sucking away enjoyment and creativity you could be spending elsewhere.

I don't think you're wrong in trying to help both her and yourself.

Keep being honest with her. When she complains, be honest about why this is happening. And you can, indeed, be kind and honest!

Let's say that she says something about how she wrote all these opens and no one is going for them.

You could say something like, "that sucks. I liked this one, it's the one that feels and sounds like the character to me. What were you doing when you wrote that? You should rewrite the others to be a little more like that, I think people are looking for more of the character like we saw them in the series."

You're acknowledging that she's right, it does suck, it's a shitty feeling no matter how at fault for it she is. While pointing out something she did good (and, okay, maybe she didn't, maybe they all categorically sucked lol but find one that was even a tiny bit better/that has elements you can use to both boost her confidence and show her what is right, not just wrong). Then, giving her an idea - whatever she was thinking, watching, listening to at that time, she tapped into something more like the actual character, and she could do it again. And telling her what the problem is, at least with this, that people don't want a cardboard cutout muse, they want the one they like from the fandom book/show/movie.

No need to actually compare with another active mun and muse, or tell her that it's because what she's doing is terribly and driving you nuts. Even if both are true.

If she's the one that compares herself to another blog this time, seize the opportunity!

"Well, people like that the muse is developed and like the character they know. When you interact with another canon, don't you want them to be like the character you liked? You liked -current muse- for a reason. When I've felt like that, I reminded myself of why I was drawn to the character and worked harder on writing them accurately and getting their voice down. I think this other blog has done that and you haven't yet."

It's a little harsher, but she may very well only be looking for validation from you that this other blog actually sucks and she's doing great. A lot of complaints on tumblr are that - seeking validation, not help. The entire culture of that shit is not at all helpful. You don't want to try to sort of shock her out of it by being too harsh, but you do want to make it clear that you're not going to just give ass pats and tell her what she wants to hear.

You're telling her why this other blog is more successful, that the muse comes off as the character and is enjoyable to write with. Because the mun put in the effort to make them both accurate to the character and a muse that's fun/interesting/engaging to write with in RP.*

*Not all characters transfer over well to RP, either, and this might also be some of her problem. For whatever reason, some people are deeply drawn to the worst possible choices for them. They will find the least applicable character in a whole series, one with a billion characters that spans decades of material, plenty of viable options all around, but no, it's got to be this one. The one that's impossible for them to pull off, boring or disliked by the fandom, is incredibly difficult to interact with (think manic pixie bullshit, villains that are extreme loners, incredibly quiet and reserved characters, or those who are only ever seen in their canon to be bantering with friends and enemies - people they have established relationships with, unlike someone else's muse, even if that muse is a canonical friend or enemy), or is an active turn off in RP, like an outrageously overpowered character whose entire existence is based on being OP as fuck. That's going to be what they go for. Every. Damn. Time.

If you notice she's doing this, she could be compensating without even realizing it by turning the string of muses into identical and empty clichés she thinks people want to interact with, but that she can still handle writing. And unfortunately, your job is even harder, OP, because everyone has a character type...and your bestie's is Fucking Impossible to RP for 90% of the RPC Population Type lmao I'm...I'm so sorry.

Maybe if this is the case, you can get her to try out a different character that has some of the traits you've noticed she seems to always be drawn to, but without the complications. Work smarter, not harder, though! Propose this as you desperately wanting your muse to interact with x. Some people react very badly to being told "you'd write a great -muse name," others are flattered by it. If you don't know for certain that she'd be flattered, or at least not offended, that she doesn't hate this character or anything, do not say this. Just tell her that you love this character, you think she could handle them as a NPC in a thread, could she please try?

And make that the single most interesting thread in the history of threads. Specifically, for her. Give her tons of engagement with this NPC of the sort she tends to want the most. It might stick and reset some of her perspective on the types of characters she keeps choosing.

You're reminding her that she's a RPer, too, which sounds like a crazy thing to have to remind a RPer, but we do weirdly lose track of this. We get very invested in what we're putting out more than what we've successfully been given, especially when we're not being given much of what we want. So, you're prodding her to recall that there are two parts of this equation, she's been on the side of it - she's wanted to interact specifically with a canon muse because she loved the character/ship with hers/whatever, and has, as we all have, experienced both the disappointment of running through a ton of them who just are not that character and also finding the version that very much is.

This helps to put other people back into perspective in a way that isn't just "interactions." (Read as "desired attention." Which isn't a slam, it's true. It's also not a problem, we all are here to interact, we all enjoy having devoted mutuals and such. It's only a problem when we stop seeing them as anything other than a means to an end for ourselves.) She might be able to relate to them, thus, why they don't like her muses, if she can put herself back into their shoes.

You stick with that and transition it into why she picked the current muse. It's the same deal, there was something about the muse that sparked interest, creativity, etc. What was it? Something that isn't there, or there enough, in her writing. In all the excitement of muse-creation, she's probably let whatever it was slide right out the door. If you can get her to recall that feeling of interest and identify for herself what all triggered it, she might be able to stick with it.

And you've encouraged her again to give people what they want if she wants interactions by developing her muses. You've also done so, if it all applicable and true, by using yourself here, making it feel like not just a common problem, but one experienced and overcome by someone she cares about and trusts.

She might have an issue with needing a lot of high-interest, high-reward scenarios, too.

This is a high-effort, minimum reward situation for her. A lot of us in the RPC have shit like ADHD that can really make this difficult once we're experiencing it in this way, but even those who don't absolutely fall into it as well. So, you'll need ways to make it fun, but...I think if you can sort of kindly trick her into experiencing the effort as its own reward, it'd go a long, long way.

I can't really say what I do, having this problem with high-effort, minimal reward because I don't tend to experience that in RP. The writing is the reward for me, as much as I lose it utterly with happiness every time a writing partner is loving what I've given them. My reward system is set up around the writing and exploring characters. Hers seems to be set up around the reaction to it and amount of engagement with it. You need to try to use the latter to give her some of the former.

If she likes Halloween or Christmas, Fall or Winter, this could be your way into doing it!

Get her hyped about a seasonal prompt list you're doing. This does, yeah, mean you will have to do it, too lol but in the end, any time you aren't able to produce something daily like these lists usually are set up for, you're showing her that it isn't a job she's got to fulfill - the rules are only as strict as she wants to make them for herself. And if you keep yours short and fun, she'll feel like it's perfectly fine and good to do it this way as well. That it doesn't need to be a damn masterpiece or anything, just fun, something different to show off her muse.

While what she's actually doing, in addition to that, is getting in touch with and developing her muse. Importantly, when we write in a way that is just for ourselves like this, we tend to kind of...bond, for lack of a less weird sounding way of putting it, with a muse. It makes them stick with us longer, raising their importance and easier availability to us.

Let her know you're doing this, pick one out you genuinely like, and don't expect her to be down with it immediately. It's work with no foreseeable reward. Except, it's very hard to listen to our friends be excited, proud of themselves, enjoying themselves without wanting to join in. It'll be especially helpful, though, if you think people you interact with will like the posts and comment on them, or even try to turn them into threads if you include their muses (with their consent, of course, and no pressure). If she sees that, it might make it even more interesting to her. You might also have to pose this as her helping you out, that you don't think you'll get more than two done if she isn't doing it as well, as a sort of a challenge she can hold you to.

Whatever you think might work best for engaging her, you know her well, you can do it!

Be there to help her out with ideas if she goes for it. Throw out some easy, fun suggestions you think she might like, that even give her some opportunity to write something with her muse that she doesn't get a chance to. Pull from the muse's canon, is there something in their canon that goes with the prompt word "snow," for instance? Is it something she enjoyed about the canon story? Suggest it. Thinking about both the muse and your friend, is there something else that came to mind about that prompt you could suggest? Do it!

Again, whatever she's most into, it's an angle. Humor? Her serious muse is forced into a ridiculous, funny situation that involves the snow. Angst? A sad memory associated with the snow. Shipping? A romantic, fluffy scene (or steamy one). And so on.

Be there to express interest and encouragement while she's doing it. Don't do things that are going to come off as pressuring or helicopter moming her, of course! Like, asking how much she's gotten done, did she start working on it yet? That's a bad idea, unless she enjoys that sort of thing. Instead, tell her how much you can't wait to see this, ask about how it's going, tell her about yours to encourage her to talk about it.

And be there to be her audience when she posts it. This really seems to be her highest reward, so give it to her. Like the post, comment on the post, tell her in messages. Not individually, all of those things. If you can find a way to that doesn't mess up what you've got going on with your blog, mutuals, other friends, etc., mention it on your blog.

At this point, people might be both aware of her RP habits and wary of engaging with her, but someone might bite if you're enthused and go like the post. If it's applicable, make some jokes about it on the dash, turn it into a moment of inside joke-like crack for people to see. Mention that she wrote this and you loved it, link it or outright reblog her post. Hell, mention that you and her are doing such and such prompts for whatever holiday or season before the fact, that way, it doesn't come out of nowhere to your mutuals, either. Again, if applicable, you can ask to turn it into a thread.

The point, at this juncture, isn't to attract people to her blog and posts, it's to demonstrate to her that this is fun and rewarding. If you can get people to go like the posts, great, but you can only count on yourself to do it at first.

Most people enjoy those sorts of prompts on their dash from mutuals, though. You're always going to have some who feel like it's annoying because it wasn't strictly a RP reply, but whatever, they're not the majority in most fandoms anymore, thankfully. Point is, it's literally showing her mutuals that she's capable of thinking as her muse and working on her muse. It's showing off good things and making her muse more interesting and uniquely hers in a good way. And it's totally possible that she's going to organically generate likes, people wanting to use this as a plot with her for RP, and mutuals who are increasingly following along with every post made.

The hope is that she experiences the beginnings of more interest in the muse than she does making muses, gain some confidence in doing this with the enjoyment of it, and stick with a muse longer than five seconds so that she can actually end up with the interactions she wants.

There are definitely other ways of doing this, the prompt thing just came to mind because it's major prompt season. You've got a prompt list floating around for literally every popular point of interest right now, from whump to extreme fluff to horror to humor. And it's going to keep going until January. It's also something that can be as short as a paragraph or as long as several thousand words, and that a hell of a lot of people don't do all of. So, it's easy, so long as she's got a reason to find it interesting and stay on course with it even a little bit.

You could also try getting her into doing something like moodboards for her muse but with little additions of writing that go along with them. Nothing major, just things like a quote from her muse or a sentence from a starter, thread, whatever.

So long as you can get her to start refocusing on RP being enjoyable from the inside and not just the outside, it's valid as hell to try it! She seems to be experiencing RP as instant gratification and basing that gratification on things she can't control, like popularity.

Right now, even giving her the sober truth that one can write the best version of a canon muse there is to be found, be someone enjoyable and interesting in OOC interactions, and be an amazing writer without that being enough to garner popularity, or even the plots that are wanted. That being a very popular RPer and having more interactions than you know what to do with (honestly sucks ass) isn't a set of absolute values, but rather, variables that are always in flux and often, totally mysterious. It's usually a mixture of total luck, visual appeal, and both mun being on point with what people want to see right this second and muse being the mixture of fanon that is desirable, also, right at this exact second. It is seriously not within anyone's control, no matter how much effort, quality, or even outright bullshit they have to put out there.

If she's ever going to stick to a muse and not find herself envious, upset, and bored it's absolutely got to come from herself. She's got to be popular with herself, enjoying herself regardless of what others are seemingly achieving or want to give her. It's not going to be recognized no matter how harsh or sweet you are about the problem, unless she's capable of really looking at those problems as problems, and I don't think she's going to get to that point through negatively bottoming out. She might get there through the opposite, though!

It's...just going to take a lot of effort and patience from you, with no expectation of reward yourself.

Because it's still likely as hell it's just not going to happen. And while it seems like you are the kind of friend who would find the effort worth it because you care and are invested in her, please know that there's no shame in merely contemplating this and noping right out.

You've got a life and are trying to enjoy the hobby as well! And if it seems like something that could sour your friendship? It's not worth it. You're better off just accepting that she'll inevitably tire of doing this and move on to another hobby, maybe decide to do fandom blogs or something instead that you can support her in.

It's definitely an unenviable and frustrating position you're in. All you can really do is try not to let this negatively impact the friendship, to keep refraining from just outright telling her things she'd find hurtful, and try your best to show her that it's rewarding to develop the muse and stick with it, not a task. That there are improvements she can make to her blog, and that it isn't a negative reflection on her that they can be made. You can try all the compassionate trickery in the world to lead her there, but it's ultimately up to her whether she brushes this off as well, don't let it hurt your feelings or exasperate you too much!

Also, it's totally possible that even if you met through RP and/or it has been a big part of the friendship, you might have grown in different directions in the hobby.

Growing within the hobby is inherent to any hobby you stick to for long enough, especially if you started out in it young. Some people seamlessly just keep growing to things that make them happy, others experience a lot of growing pains along the way as they're maybe ready for change, but only in select areas they have to discover for themselves. Still others grow in a way that doesn't make them very happy, but they're both not ready (or willing) to approach why and what they can do, and also still too attached to the good times they had to reassess whether it's still something they want to do, or if it's something better moved away from into something else.

That's always very difficult as a friend. Difficult in watching your friends not go the same directions as you anymore, even in something as comparatively silly as a hobby, in seeing them not enjoying themselves, and in the possibility that it could signal the end of enjoying the hobby with them. It's sad and frustrating, and can feel lonely, but if you're close enough friends, you've got so many other things to still be good friends over, so keep that in mind!

She might need to keep doing this with her blog and muse situation until she comes not to the realization that she needs to change how she's RPing to get what she wants, but rather, that she wants to stop RPing. That could be the burnout that happens here eventually, but again, not only can you still be great friends, if it makes her happier, it's good.

[angel-deux-writes]

Hi Angel! I've been a big fan of yours since HCM, and so I wanted to express my concern for your wellbeing. There was that big break when you took a month or so to finish HCM before posting it in quick succession, in order to not have to deal with the comments. Now, from what you've been writing in the notes to Dorne Rights, it looks like you are experiencing something similar. The selfish fan in me wants you to keep writing and keep posting, but the basic human in me is more worried that (1/2)

you are unhappy. Nothing is worth making yourself unhappy over, particularly not something that’s meant to give you pleasure. A favourite author of mine back in the days of my Spike/Angel obsession had a disclaimer on her stories telling readers to please not leave feedback of any kind, not even constructive criticism, on her fics because she finds them unhelpful. Her comment section was full of chats about various topics in that fandom, rather than her own fiction. Might help. (2/2)

Hello! I really appreciate this message, because you’re right: fanfic writing isn’t good for me.

(lol putting this beneath the cut because it’s way too long)

It’s actually my experience in this fandom that has made me realize that writing in general probably isn’t good for me, but unfortunately I feel a drive to it and can’t seem to stop myself from thinking I’ll one day get published, so that’s a bit of a downer. The truth is that I’m naturally disposed toward thinking that I’m shit, my words are shit, and every thought I’ve ever had is unoriginal and poorly written. It’s always been like that, from the time I wrote my first attempt at fiction at 7 years old to now at 31. It takes a lot for me to share my writing with people. I started writing fic at 14, basically as soon as I discovered that I wasn’t the only person composing stories about Han and Leia in their free time. I’m sure that my fics were horrendous. I give myself a hard time now, but 14 year old me probably deserved it even more. But there were sweet people on the internet who encouraged me (and lied to me) and told me that my stories were good, and that made a huge difference. 

(that and my freshman year english teacher, who was very very cute and earnest and young and made me feel like I could actually be a writer.)

I’ve never been a part of a fandom before. Discourse and meta and long discussions about canon events have never interested me. I’ve said that before, and it remains true! I consume what canon there is, and sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I’m so dissatisfied with it that I need to write something, and so I do. I don’t think I’ve ever written fic for something that I found entirely satisfactory. The extension of my being part of an actual fandom in the past was probably reblogging a few gifsets and recommending it to friends. I’ve just never had that sort of communal experience. This, the J/B fandom, was my first time really getting into it. It’s the first time I’ve ever made friends online that weren’t just frequent commenters on long multichapter fics! It has been exciting and I’m grateful for it! It’s just also probably not good for me. 

It’s just, like, every time I post something, I’m fighting a very loud and very desperate voice in my head that’s saying “you’re shit and you shouldn’t bother”. It’s why I’m so good at writing first drafts of novels but so, so bad at getting past the second. It’s why I usually post fics only until I’ve worked out my frustrations: one or two fics per fandom and then ghosting away forever. It’s very hard to defy that voice and post something anyway, and this fandom experience has taught me that no matter HOW many stories I post, I’m ALWAYS going to have to fight that voice. And it’s gotten actively stronger. “You’re not what this fandom wants” “You’re not good at this” “Everyone’s just being nice” “You’ve overstayed your welcome”. Paying attention, often by accident, to the discourse and the metas only makes it worse, because my brain automatically turns to “well YOU don’t write them like that. That means you’re wrong”. I can tell myself as many times as I want that I myself like many different interpretations of J/B! My brain goes “yeah, but you’re just an idiot who doesn’t know any better. There’s a right way, and you’re not doing it”. 

THIS IS ALL SO DRAMATIC! But it’s just the truth! Every time I post something, it’s against my nature. NO ONE outside of fandom reads my writing! I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve allowed my close friends and family to read things. So while it may seem like, idk, like I should just be able to get over it, negative comments, or even SLIGHTLY critical comments, really hit me hard. For all the positive feedback I get (and I really AM super grateful for it, and it means the world to me), those few critical voices seem louder because they’re agreeing with what I have already known about myself. And so it feels almost like a victory, but a shitty one. “Ha! I was right this whole time! I AM a shit writer, and I’ve for some reason tricked those other people into thinking I’m good!” 

For a long time (much longer than I’ve ever written for any other fandom, obviously), I was able to shove it to the side. The J/B fandom HAS been super good to me, and they HAVE been wonderful about giving me feedback and making me feel welcome and included. But those negative voices are just SO LOUD to me, even though I know logically that they shouldn’t be. 

It would be easy to point to a specific problem and say that my issues will be fixed if only I can address that. I do it CONSTANTLY. Maybe if I stopped tagging other relationships. Maybe if I stopped tagging other characters. Maybe if I tagged my works super specifically. Maybe if I made author’s notes about how I’m a shit writer and people shouldn’t expect things from me. Maybe if I just wrote “THIS STORY IS WRITTEN ALREADY AND IM JUST EDITING AS I GO! PLEASE DONT SUGGEST THINGS!” I just feel like, increasingly, I want fewer and fewer eyes on my fics. It’s the opposite of the problem I thought I would have. But my confidence took a huge hit with HCM, and then I was finally feeling good enough to post Dorne Rights. It was probably a mistake! 

idk, maybe it’s just all the shit that’s going on in the world + in my personal life. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe I’m just running out of inspiration. But the positive voices aren’t loud enough to drown out my own negative self-voice this time, and so I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle it. Part of me wants to delete Dorne Rights with the intention of reworking it and maybe posting it again down the line with fewer tags and a lot more reminders that people can write their own stories if they don’t like mine. Part of me wants to just do a HCM and post it all at once so that I can leave the finished product up (even if I now think the entire thing is garbage). Part of me wants to stop writing fic entirely, at least until the next time I watch something with an ending so bad it fucks me up. I think my solution will probably be a massive step back from fandom for a little while. I’ve been feeling a drive to work on my original stuff, and I should probably lean into that. I would like to still write and post J/B, once I find the inspiration, but I’m tired of feeling like this is a job. I think I got so deeply sunk into this attitude of “I NEED to write and post constantly because these people want me to, and they actually like what I write!!” that I stopped writing things because I wanted to write them and started writing them because I wanted to write things for other people, to make other people happy, and so that they could tell me that I’m not a shit writer at all.

I should make it clear that I do intend to write my JB fic swap thing FOR SURE. I will drag that story out of myself no matter what. But in general it’s probably just healthier for me to not spend so much time On Here especially, and on fic in general.

[momo-de-avis]

1, 3, 10, 15, 20, 21 and 25?

hello friend!

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

Currently, what I am just wrapping up is the thing I want to narrate on voice (yeah... imagine that) that I had locked up for AGES because I knew where I was going and got stuck mid-way unsure how the hell how I was getting there. It’s sort of light horror magical realism about dealing with trauma and recovery, and I’m happy because JUST recently I passed the checkpoint of THIS WAS THE PART I COULDN’T GET THROUGH! I GOT IT! I REACHED DENOUEMENT BITCH! 

Also, it was really hard to write, I won’t lie. And it reached the point of weird. Not fantastical weird, but weird to me. I hope I manage to capture that with my voice 🥴

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Honestly? I don’t think there really is one... anymore. I do everything chronologically. Unfortunately, I can’t do that thing writers often advise, to leave blanks to fill in later. If I do that, this damn ADHD brain will NEVER AGAIN bother itself to do it. If I don’t have the motivation to do it now, it will never happen. I have also learned to trust my instincts: if it’s too boring to write, don’t write it at all. If it’s too boring to write, it will feel too boring to read. Just straight up skip it, nobody cares. Reduce it to a sentence, that’s it. So I end up getting to the exciting-scenes-I-really-want-to-do pretty fast. 

Also, like... I love experimenting with so many genres I don’t think there’s one I REALLY would like to try but never did? I would like to do better, much better, but never actually dipped my pen in it? I don’t know, man, I don’t think there’s one big ass scene I haven’t tried that I can think of.

10. How would you describe your writing process?

Re-read what I last wrote. Always. This works as both a quick revision of my last writing and a way to get in the mood and also to remind myself of what last happened, because I forget everything except the head God gave me and which I carry on my shoulders.

Set the music, or the ambient sound.

Stare at the blinking cursor for five minutes.

Start writing.

Erase a whole paragraph.

Write another 3 paragraphs.

Stop for 10 to 25 minutes to check if the correct usage in this context should be “white-out”, “liquid corrector” or simply “corrector”, and then it turns out I don’t even use the goddamn thing anyway.

Write another 3 pages.

Coffee and cigarette break.

5h have passed. Time is an illusion.

Oooooh, Discord messages! Everyone is talking shit about their relatives, why not make another 40 minute break for the chance of some juicy gossiping?

What do you MEAN, 1h has passed?

You have another hour before dinnertime. Why not get furiously in the mood and just miraculously gain every goddamn inspiration point lost in the previous 7h you were trying to fish for brain cells in the atmosphere? So furiously type out 10 pages that, once you revise in about 3h later, are full of typos, missing a THOUSAND words, and good luck understanding what the hell you meant with all those broken sentences and so many goddamn commas and M dashes.

But ah, completion.

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Gonna be real honest here. Summaries. I’m not so bad with titles. Mostly because I use the same principle for them that I did with academic papers: only bother myself with those after everything is done by pulling a sentence or an idea straight out of the text of the source of inspiration. But ask me to SUMMARIZE THE DAMN THING? It’s an hour and a half of me stammering bullshit punctuated with a million “AND THEN--” and nobody understands a damn thing.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

I do a LOT of repetitions I don’t think people pick up on. I mean, literal transliterations of chunks of texts, either from a previous page to the end, or from an existing source to my text as like, an homage I guess. With this one I’ve been working on, I literally repeat entire passages but they’re so far apart they’re hard to tell (at least for people like me, who Have No Braincells), but there’s a reason it happens and it also has to do with the narrative too.

This is completely irrelevant but I am going to say anyway, for Wordtober, for the Prompt uhhhhhh I think it was Legend I did this story about a bunch of pirates who go after the legend of Lover’s Cove and it’s from the perspective of a pirate named Largo. That’s actually a character from something major I’ve been developing, and at the very end he meets a fiery-red-haired woman who happens to be Anne Bonny, I just thought it would be funny to explain how they meet, and also, Largo is a reference to Largo La Grande from Monkey Island because that guy is so funny and I love Monkey Island to death. Nobody cares but this matters to me 😔

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

I’m boring, so none. I’ve worked on film before, did a couple of music videos (yes...), and right now I’ve been attempting illustration but LOL. Right now I’m stuck with writing only

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Definitely the process of creating. Even the revision part is fun for me. I don’t know this process is fun, but I love it. Just... birthing something from scratch and shaping it into something real, whole, complete, is immensely enjoyable. These days, is the only way I manage to get out of the world and feel something akin to... peace, quiet, you know. I don’t even particularly enjoy the researching part, though I very easily get way too lost in it, don’t get me wrong, but the creation part is just so compelling man...

[a-cai-jpg]

frailty, thy name is woman! (HAH)

So the other day, I was ambushed by a group of tiny puppies.

I was in the park, breathing some fresh air and sunshine for the first time in a long, long time. I sat on a grassy hill--notebook just recently closed and resting in my lap--staring blankly at the amphitheater beneath me and suddenly, I hear barking to my right and felt something nudge my thigh.

Not gonna lie, I almost screamed and whacked the puppy in the face.

They were three beagles(?), bounding around the hill because, according to their owners who respectfully stood 6 feet away from me, they hadn't left the house in a week. 

(same.)

Anyways, before they came to say hi, I was listening to a sad, acoustic playlist and writing down notes about women.

(it's not weird if u don't make it weird)

That morning, I had woken up thinking about women's issues. 

Sexism is not exactly the social issue I'm most preoccupied by. It's prominent in every aspect of life, but because I've been fortunate enough to be sheltered from most of it, the sexism I experience is very subtle and difficult to pinpoint. I grew up in a primarily female household with a lot of strong personalities, and only recently did I begin to take note of the almost indiscernible power dynamic between the men and the women.

So, most of my life, I've just been kind of cruising along, with this vaguely gender-less persona that only started to shift some time in university.

A friend once asked, "How do you know that you're a woman?"

I think this was during the same time I was taking a philosophy course about theories of sexual differences, and so all my thoughts were kind of meta and hypothetical. My initial thought was, uh what do you mean like of course I know I'm a woman that's what I've checked on all the forms. But then I thought about it and I was like. Bruh. 

Bruh.

The reply I gave her, I feel like, was unsatisfactory and very personal. I didn't want to fall back onto gender norms, because that was so obviously a cop-out. Furthermore, I feel like I didn't experience a lot of the stereotypical "what it means to be a woman." AND, the definition of "adult human being" was too inadequate.

So, how do I know that I'm a woman?

At the time, I gave her a pretty sloppy answer about internalized misogyny, and I'm not going to pretend I have a better answer now, but I think I've broken it down to two main points.

Number one: I know I'm a woman because I'm constantly in competition with other women. I view women as my primary competitors. Very rarely do I see masculine-presenting individuals as competition, even though technically, all of us are competing for resources, prestige, or whatever it is we seek. Sure, you can play a probability game and say it's all statistics, but I think there's an aspect of misogyny as well.

Number two, I know I'm a woman because I feel anger and indignation on behalf of other women, internalizing it as a personal offense, even when I myself have not undergone the same struggle.

It's the same criteria I think of when I ask myself how I know I'm Asian American. But, in the racial aspect, there's a third criteria, which is the reflexive self. I feel that other people see me as Asian American, and therefore, I am Asian American. For some bizarre reason, I didn't experience the same reflexive self when I thought about my gender.

I think it was this lack of a reflexive self and vaguely gender-less upbringing that pushed me to declare, very loudly, in the middle of a science classroom in highschool that, "I am not a feminist."

(I could self-psychoanalyze and come up with a million reasons why my upbringing was gender-less. It could have to do with the fact that my primary caretakers were women, so there was no other for me to reference, and thereby, no juxtaposition between women and men. It could have to do with early, internalized misogyny that caused me to push away things that identified me specifically as a "girl." It could also be that I'm incredibly not self-aware.)

(I stand by the statement that contrast is necessary for identification, though.)

Anyways.

I remember when I said those words, my best friend looked at me with exasperation and a classmate looked at me with disgust. For good reason.

At the time, the word "feminist," to me, had a lot of negative connotations. I equated it with the "feminazi." I didn't buy into sexist ideals, but neither did I understand the angry, seemingly unnecessary reversal of gender roles that "feminazis"  were proclaiming.

And my friend patiently explained to me that no, you don't have to be a feminazi to be a feminist. 

But see, even that in itself is anti-feminist, isn't it?

We were, again, drawing lines for what it means to be an acceptable woman--an acceptable feminist--and what it means to be an unacceptable woman.

Why is there a negative connotation to the term "feminazi"? Why is there a negative connotation to the term "feminist"? Isn't the term "feminazi" in itself misogynistic?

I think it has to do with the fact that the general culture is uncomfortable with women stepping beyond what their gender roles have prescribed them. The culture has moved in a direction where it is acceptable and almost expected for women to be feminists, but being a "feminazi" is still frowned up.

This might seem very obvious to some, but I actually haven't thought about the term "feminazi" in a long while. So, to make sure I actually knew what a "feminazi" was, I pulled up the Wikipedia article. Here are a few words used to describe a feminazi:

a committed feminist or a strong-willed woman

radical feminists

see as many abortions as possible

militants

quest for power

belief that men aren't necessary

well-intentioned but misguided people who call themselves feminists

the term came to be widely used for feminism as a whole

marginalize any feminist as a hardline, uncompromising manhater

hate men

dogmatic, inflexible, and intolerant

an extremist, power-hungry minority

I've never met anyone who fits that description, though [Limbaugh] lavishes it on me among many others

bossy, hating men and femininity

hyper-vigilant to perceived sexism

vindictive

puritanical

The term was apparently, popularized by a dude named Rush Limbaugh, and I'll be damned if I let a man determine what kind of feminist I am.

Maybe I am biased because a militant women's group seeking to overpower the patriarchy sounds pretty lit and like good material for a new Netflix show, but like.

Tell me again why it's not okay to be a feminazi.

(my primary reactions to the list above are: "i wonder why," "sounds ok to me lol," and "who the fuck are you to say")

ANYWAYS.

"Feminazis," according to Mr. Limbaugh (who even is this guy) is an unacceptable way to be a feminist.

He is a man governing what it means to be a feminist (again, who the fuck are you), but let's be real, there are many women out there who draw similar lines, maybe for others, maybe for themselves. The popular "Am I not a good feminist if I __________" questions in themselves are anti-feminist. Once again, it is a show of how women are policing themselves and each other.

I'm not big on philosophy because I can't understand most of it, but Foucault made the assertion that policing and discipline in a modern society lies with the self, or an invisible, anonymous power embedded in society.

(Ok, I'm going to be honest, I didn't want to read through 30 pages of feminist theory and I barely understood the four pages that I did read, so if I'm wrong, don't hate me.)

In other words, men and women become the gender police for themselves. Even as women gain more rights and freedom, they continue to police themselves in a new way, like asking themselves what it means to be a good feminist.

(Bartky introduces the argument that there needs to be an upheaval of social norms to end the policing.)

(And okay, so, the more I read Bartky's Foucault, Femininity, and Patriarchal Power, the more excited I get, so I'm gOiNg To StOp mYsElf hERe.)

I ask myself this question often too.

Am I not a good feminist if I express vague disapproval at someone who switches boyfriends every other day?

Am I not a good feminist if I am grateful for men opening doors for me or offering to grab my suitcase for me on the plane? (I'm 5'2 okay, I have to stand on the seat sometimes, it's embarrassing.)

See, I appreciate chivalry and I don't think chivalry is dead because what does that even mean, but I also recognize that chivalry isn't the same thing as gender equality or liberation for women (or dare I say, liberation of gender?). But, gender equality doesn't mean that women and men do all of the same things and are assumed to be able to do all of the same things. Because we, as humans, have varying abilities, don't we?

The question of what the fuck is gender equality plagued me for an entire semester and bothers me even now but I just kind of stomp on it and make it go away. The easy answer to it, for me, is a fair division of labor agreed upon by both parties, ensuring there is no abuse of power within the relationship.

But that statement in itself is problematic because it introduces a possibility of stasis, of complacency that might revert to a new abuse of power.

(It's also not one that every feminist agrees on.)

But let's return to the question of what it means to be a woman.

I wrote that contrast is necessary for identification, but I fear the statement implies that women are defined in opposition to men, which is false. Like, non-men = women. And, since gender is a spectrum, that obviously is not true. But, since gender is a spectrum, is it necessary for us to identify ourselves? 

At the end of my notes, I scribbled a series of questions.

Why does it matter to me what gender people are?

Why does it matter to me what gender I am?

Is there a correlation between sexuality and gender? Especially since we are all on a spectrum for both? Are we socialized to choose? Is this or is this not evolutionarily favorable?

(I see now that the flaw in me writing blog posts is that I can't actually have a conversation about this and that's frustrating.)

(Also, I recognize that I live in an immense amount of privilege to be asking these questions and not, I don't know, fearing for my life.)

I briefly entertained the idea that women are essentially the oppressed party in the larger narrative of gender. But there are two problems with this statement. One, women are definitely not the only oppressed party. Two, everyone ultimately suffers when there is an accepted narrative.

But, the undeniable fact is that there is a common reality that people who identify as women live. It has nothing to do with anatomy, organs, chromosomes, hormone levels, brain structure, or sexuality. It is an experience that is placed upon us by the patriarchal society, regardless of whether or not we recognize it, based on how we present ourselves.

This is how the reflexive self began to develop, in Calc B, freshman year of college.

I try to talk about gender as removed from sex as possible, because I get terribly confused when I talk about them in conjunction with each other, but also because I do think there is a difference between the feminine experience and the female experience. I just don’t really understand it.

I wrote in my notes somewhere: Gender is a spectrum. You are your own individual, gender be damned.

I don't proclaim myself an expert on this matter. These are words that chased their own tails in my mind as I tried to understand how to function in an infuriating society that constantly made me angry.

The other day, I saw a Facebook post from a stranger who was talking about how their boyfriend didn't believe women were being oppressed because even though women get paid less, men pay for dates. And this led me to think about the wage disparity and how people always tell me, well, no, it doesn't exist. It's the woman's fault for not asking for a higher wage.

And I’m just kind of like, ???

A student of mine came to me one morning, a little disappointed and a little annoyed, because he had been shut down by a fellow classmate when he made a comment about the wage gap not being an actual thing.

(the thing about talking to students is that it's a lot easier to forgive ignorance and to actually have a conversation without getting angry.)

He said that he wished the classmate, a girl, wouldn't just be all angry about it and call him dumb.

I didn't know how to respond to that then, aside from agreeing that it is necessary to have actual dialogue around important issues and asking a few questions so he could critically think about gender issues in the U.S. 

But, I thought about it the morning before I got ambushed by the dogs, and I wish I asked him to think about why people get so angry talking about these matters.

I think the reason why it's so difficult to have these conversations is because--

God, imagine the privilege of not having to have these conversations and not feeling angry and humiliated because you are pulling out this vulnerable bit of you that's been attacked by Society and trying to make someone who is implicitly attacking you understand.

That's not a comfortable feeling, and adults can't even manage it so how is a teenager expected to?

The same feeling rises within myself when I talk about race and when I talk about gender. Some of it is internalized racism and misogyny, but a whole lot of it is not wanting to be vulnerable, and that in itself is a little fucked up (and maybe, misogynistic?). 

See, when I feel very strongly about a matter, I expect strong, rigorous, academic debate. I want to break down the logic in every sentence and refute facts and opinions with Better Facts and Opinions, complete with citations, and I don’t want to fall back on anecdotes even though I end up resorting to it anyways.

(I am also the annoying person who would do the Hamilton thing and be like i have the honor to be your obedient servant, A DOT CAI.)

But, so often, we don't have the luxury to do that. And also, very often, we are utterly consumed by the larger narrative that facts end up not meaning very much to us.

We are all part of an accepted narrative, and that, along with the social norms that come with it, is the enemy.

Men are not the enemy in feminism, which is why men need to calm the fuck down and get behind the feminist movement. Men are also suffering from this accepted narrative and gender policing that lauds toxic masculinity.

I'm not saying there's a right way to be a feminist, but I strongly believe there's a wrong way to be a feminist. I think being a feminist means you support gender equality, regardless of what gender someone identifies as. I think being a feminist means you want everyone to embrace their true selves. I think being a feminist means you stand with every individual, and so I think being a feminist should be the default for a human being.

But if a person identifies as a feminist and draws rules and regulations for how to be one, then that is anti-feminist.

(Come at me, feminist philosophers, I'm very zen and I'm willing to listen to you tell me about how society needs to see an utter deconstruction of feminism and masculinity.)

Be you, my friend. Be you and let other people be themselves. It's not like they're hurting you by being trans or gay or bi. 

Like jeez, why is that so hard.

(stop hating on Irene 'cause she's a feminist, she's fucking beautiful and i will fight you.)

I don't know, I love women. They are inspiring and beautiful, and the term "woman," as much as I've broken it down, actually matters because society has forced it to matter. And weirdly enough, as difficult as it is for me to truly identify with woman at times, I like being one and I'm proud to be a feminist.

But it's also a little scary to be a woman. There are the general things a woman has to worry about, like walking around at night or traveling alone or going to a bar alone or doing anything alone to be completely honest. But there are also the other concerns, like what does a family dynamic look like with my personality and my ideals? How do I navigate a patriarchal society in terms of work and relationships? Which values do I give up to make sure I can actually go somewhere? When do I tell a friend to shut the fuck up because he’s mansplaining? How do I respond to defensiveness without getting defensive myself? How do I ensure that my daughter lives in a safer, more equitable world? How do I ensure that my son doesn't turn out to be a misogynist? Like? Help?

(sos i drank too my caffeine and now my hands are shaking)

Feminist theory, crudely put, falls into two categories (fuck i’m literally dragging things out of my ass, i don’t actually know if this is true lol), with one firmly asserting that a feminist revolution is rejecting the societal definition of femininity and the other embracing femininity. 

(idk if there are only two camps, but these two perspectives definitely exist in feminist theory ok)

I definitely fall in the latter, because I can’t wrap my head around the rejection of femininity. Like, is that not misogynistic? Camosy’s Behind the Abortion Wars uses a similar argument to proclaim abortion as inherently sexist. It strips females of what has traditionally given them power, rendering them...males. Or some version of a male.

(i’m sold on camosy’s argument. don’t misunderstand, i’m definitely pro-choice, but i have thoughts.)

See, all of this is very complicated. Sometimes I see quotes about feminist theory and it’s so intellectually exhilarating that I just have to file it away and think about it on a day where I’m wired on caffeine. But even on those days, I feel like my brain falls short on trying to understand this very meta gender theory thing.

So, obviously, I don’t hope to convince you to believe in my ideal, because I don’t know what I’m talking about. But, if you have read this far, I leave you with the same thing I said a number of paragraphs back.

BE YOU AND LET OTHER PEOPLE BE THEMSELVES.

Recognize when you are causing harm, explicitly or not.

Recognize when other people are causing harm, explicitly or not, and engage them in conversation.

(these are actually goals and guidelines for me because i have no backbone and generally just fume in silence.)

(between me brainstorming this and me actually writing this, a number of different things have come to my attention)

(one of them is the erasure of non-masculine stories in history) (and yes that's obvious, but i also watched a bunch of TedEd videos about women so it's just very salient in my mind right now)

(another is the nth room south korea scandal, and i don't even know where to begin with that)

(Disclaimer: I don’t actually know what I’m talking about but I welcome counterarguments. I also realize putting a disclaimer at the end is really dumb, but I don’t want to interrupt my non-existent narrative flow. I feel like my take on gender is too simple and not nuanced enough, but honestly, I just don’t really get gender at times? So I really shouldn’t be talking about gender theory. Yet. Here we are.)

I LOVE WOMEN.

So here is a song from a woman that I recently found and fell in love with:

陳粒 - 无所求必满载而归 它让你受折磨 觉得痛 觉得渴 [life] makes you suffer, makes you hurt, makes you thirsty 觉得无路走 无处躲 makes you feel like there's nowhere to go, nowhere tohide 无所求也求不得 even if you want nothing, you can't even have that 当我昏昏欲睡 摇摇欲坠 but when i'm about to sleep, about to fall 却学会 放下错与对 是与非 i learned to put down right and wrong, yes and no 无所求必满载而归 if i want nothing, then i'll receive everything

(on a side note, i've done nothing but read a chinese, boys love light novel. i have read three chinese novels in my life, and all three were boys love. this doesn't seem right.)

(but also, my chinese literacy is basically at that of a fifth grader, if even, so i think it's fitting that i read some trash novels.)

(but this one talks about the psychology of sexuality and gender, and i'm all for genre novels spreading ideas about bEiNg YoUrSeLf.)

(GAH.)

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

re: cxg (s1-s4)

shows up four years late holding hot takes!!! what up!!! ☕ ☕☕☕aw yeah

@upslapmeal @fauxkaren @bisexualfelicity​, lemme know what you guys think?

(this show practically asks you to go on many fake deep rants about it so proceed with caution lol)

oops, it’s 3 days later 🎶

I had always been on the target demo for this show. Musical theatre fan? chronic shipper? neuro-divergent tendencies? check, check, triple check.  The question was never if I’d enjoy it, but how much.

First, I’m glad I held on to watching it until it was complete. When you vaguely know where things are headed that’s easier than learning to trust new writers week by week. And since this is a series that makes it necessary that you become hyper-invested..., it means every misstep is compounded by x1000 if you have a whole week to dwell on it. And I can picture myself being a lot more pissed at the (perceived) small mistakes if I hadn’t know the bigger picture via the episode titles before.

However, the filler aspect of some episodes did become more glaring on binge watch. At various points in the storyline I thought: “this would be stronger as a stage show than a tv show/without this much fluff” In fact, that’s what I thought ,from skimming the episode guide, that the concert special was going to be. An experimental, meta finale or meta retelling of the show with ‘screenplay and lyrics by Bunch R.’~ that played like an episode ON the stage. Like the two live show episodes on 30 rock- those breaking the 4 wall AND kept a foot inside it by keeping the characters IC.....

(god. just imagine: the last scene with Rebecca’s “and this is a song I wrote…” THEN it smoothly transitions to a live stage with Rachel Bloom on the same costume, the same piano, ready to rock it out?? ALL THE LAYERS THAT WOULD HAVE I weep for the wasted potential.).

this whole journey’s been... a crock🎶

s3 > s4 > s1 > s2

Reprise Effect™ is definitely in full effect here. S1/S2 were less hype than S3 but S3 couldn’t exist without the grunt work done in early episodes like “Josh and I are going to the beach!”. Like how the reprises themselves of those seasons were extra special just on the basis of being reprises... though, as mentioned above, s4 can’t be the top one despite the reprises because it had too many pointless filler episodes. Meanwhile, s1 is objectively very tight. Though maybe doesn’t “fit” as well with the rest of the story? Rebecca gets what she wants but not what she needs, because it’s too early in syndication... not many banger here either, for me. And s2 was the least enjoyable because of its reliance on...

the math of love quadrangles🎶

I found the main romantic story-line to be exhausting at points, instead preferring either the main friendship ones (Paula and Rebecca stuff, etc) or the side character stuff (Karen!! Father Brah!! TRENT!!!) I mean...  it’s justified in that it was intentional, I guess. I probably sliiiightly leaned on #teamjosh the most because their relationship felt the most refreshing- Nathaniel and Greg were treated too much as archetypes, while I was crying from the emotional sincerity and earnestness of Dear Joshua Felix Chan🎶

(this also makes me glad to have missed the weekly discourse/ship wars because this seems to be an unpopular opinion lol)

(seriously Nathaniel tho was the worst for so long oh my god. “omg what if we pair the super feminist character with the machista privileged guy!! it will be SO ORIGINAL!!!” no. no it’s not pls stop.)(WHY SHOULD I ROOT FOR SOMEONE male,straight,and white in the one percent????) (no disrespect to Scott Michael Foster tho he’s truly a star) (salvaged the character)

And while we’re on the topic of ships... woah nelly I did NOT expect the high quotient of wlw vibes. honestly, the casual-bisexuality from like everyone in #thegirlgroup4evah was more powerful than the introduction of beth/valencia in s4, imo (my respects to fans who manage to write fic for that ship when Beth is barely even a character).

-heck, it got to the point that I was weirded out with that final pan-out across the room, and it shows people like Father Brah but not a single lady as a potential post-series romantic partner? wtf show, Rebecca might have started as “a 1.8 in the kinsey scale” but by the end she was AT LEAST a 2.1.  Aprox. (then again, that might just be me (λ▀ˇ▀) ∫ ~**projecting*~**)

he’s suspiciously good-looking in ways that normal people are not🎶

Speaking of projecting....

The experience of watching this show really made me start to question the device of identification in stories. Specially rn with the whole ~identity politics / representation #matters campaigns~ stuff.

Yes, it is great to see yourself represented-. it’s healing, it’s cathartic to see Rebecca and co going through stuff that other series had never touched upon. That high from expecting A DIAGNOOOSIIIS is really spot on to the real life experience of going through that situation. It physically chips away some internalized stigma just watching it. yet like. at some point stories that aren't relatable become less engaging…I know, intellectually, that so much of the Jewish stuff was funny, but a lot of it just flew by my head? So like, how does that apply to other “representation” things? is our subjectivity so skewed-ed by identity that stories, that we can’t then care about worlds apart from ours? idk.  I guess that’s kinda all being fake-deep sounding, but for those that plan to write stories for others I think it’s worth thinking about.

(oh, good! an abstract theatrical space. Now I can actually think)

The other meta point I wanted to make was about how I noticed that lot of the discourse and fanwank surrounding the character, was always reeling over whatever terrible mroal things they had done. Like Rebecca’s stalking, arson, manipulation, manslaughter, And I’m like dude... it’s... a comedy? it’s not real....? ofc if you were to look at what happened in himym/friends/whatever  you would commit that those people should be in jail. But the whole thing is a fantasy! it’s an artifice! it doesn’t matter how much vicious brutality tom inflicts upon jerry, he’s never gonna actually hurt him!

So it was a real weird feeling whenever I saw  discussions of old episodes and people being #scandalized by john treating rebecca like crap, or paula being an enabler,... like, I’m not trying to justify those things. the point is that it was all represented in a zanzy whacky comedy frame (with musical numbers!!!) AND specifically iyy created such a weird tonal dissonance when the show itself began treating those things as existing in the framework of our real world and under the rules of real world decency.

I mean, imagine this show without the music? it would be a totally different beast. And maybe  works better towards the point they wanted to make with the story in the first place (”crazy” isn’t crazy, life doesn’t make narrative sense, etc) it’s like when they took off the claymotion filter off for  the scenes that happened in Abed’s Christmas Special on Community. the darkness of rebecca’s life would have been much more palpable, and the points they were making, clearer.

(It would have been a lot darker tho)

(and I probably wouldn’t have watched lol after all I was mostly here fore those-)

(beat)

GRATUITOUS🎶KA-REOKE🎶 MO-MENTS🎶

in general, whenever i recognized the parody, it tended to lower my enjoyment of the number. Specially for some parody songs that aren’t connected to the story, and were more like recycled youtube-phase!bloom material.the buzzing from the bathroom, floods of justice being the biggest offenders,,, and another grip it’s that many songs could be stronger, but they for some reasons needed to have jokes always??? the end of the movie specially it’s so good and wise, and then the punchline is so much less powerful and takes away the universality of it that... :/ ://... whyyy

anyway, enough whining. The obligatory top 10 ahead.

(but what’s a top 10? it’s just a fabrication of what songs people project the most to. it’s not like any top 10 could make a difference in people’s tastes... of course, I guess it could if you cared to make it so- but it COULD but i doesn’tbutitcouldbut idoesn’tb tu.)

_

10. What’s Your Story?: the third anectode almost made me fall out of my chair. The ratatas....and the way Rebecca goes all out with the cell-block choreography... /shook. Just an expertly done parody all around tbh.

10. Slow Motion: I missed the hype train for Let’s Generalize About Men so this is the song that takes its spot.

9. No One Else Is Singing My Song: surprisingly really comforting? asdfg. I legit feel less alone whenever I sing alogn to it. And, unlike “Nothing is Ever Anyone’s Fault”- it makes fun of this sentiment without totally invalidating it (”I am super unique!”). If they had gone all out and truly included the “entire company” it would be much higher in my ranking. But that’s impossible... logistically impossible (or IS IT. -says n*2)

8. The Darkness:  crying, laughing, and also moved on an unspeakable level.

7. Anti-Depressants Are So Not A Big Deal: went a bit down after I read someone say “it’s just a glorified pharma-ad, isn’t it?” and that it was based on La La Land (I thought it was an original style of showtune not done in recent years). Still... damn. It’s a goddamn banger, man.

6. Without Love You Can Save The World: an anthem for frigid bitches like me :)

5. I’m Just A Girl In Love: the whole show’s thesis is one succinct glam package!! (gajillion extra points for Trent’s reprise) (#teamtrent).

4. I go to the Zoo: I showed a couple of cxg to my 15 year old cousin musical-hater cousin and it passed. Enough for me.

3. After everything you made me so (that you didn’t ask for): tbh up until this one most song had been great but nothing had really wow’d me. Of course, as a song, Paula’s original is great too. I just prefer this one for the huge pay-off it represents story-wise. This was the first song that really made me go zomgREPLAY!°1”. When the inevitable stage show comes out, this for has got to be the closing song of Act 1.

2. Love’s Not a Game: do u ever like obsess over those tiny bits in showtunes that just throw the f**** down S O hard compared to the rest of the song? which is usually great but not as much as THOSE glorious three seconds? ex: this happens to me with the “Then why choose fear?/I’m a New Yorker, / fear’s my life” during “Life Support” in the stage version of Rent......this song was like that, it was already epic and fitting for the best (imo) episode in terms of comedy. AND THEN!! it does that  fucking GLORIOUS dark reprise of ‘The Group Mind Has Decided You’re In Love’- it took what was already a flabbergast group number .

1. I Could If I Wanted To: cleared my skin and cured my NPD.

memorable mentions:it’s nice to meet you (original and reprise), tell me i’m OK patrick, i feel like this isn’t about me, all the raps from give good parent to jap battle and omg i cant believe i watched a good “rap parody by white people”, love kernels, trapped in a car with someone you don't wanna be trapped in a care with.

aight that’s all props if you read all that. thanks @mutuals for the peer pressure for four years on this. i deserved that shame. #humble#blessed#teamtrent

[fairyroses]

please share the thoughts!

(For those not in the know, this is referring to my Thoughts about the way Nura’s name was dropped in the most recent SG episode.)

Okay, so I wrote out a ridiculously long and kinda confusing explanation the first time I tried to answer this, so I’m gonna try to Condense it this time. (Edit from future me, who just finished writing this whole long-ass meta: Sooo, condensing it Didn’t Really Work, and it’s obnoxiously long anyway. Oops. Oh well. At least it’s more coherent this time.) 

(general warning for people reading this post who aren’t rachel: uhhh, maybe don’t look below the cut if you’re a big Brainy/Nia shipper? there’s no Hate, but there is a lot of theorizing about why I don’t think the ship’s actually gonna sail the way most ppl are thinking it will, sooo if you don’t want to feel bummed out, then maybe don’t read this. cool? cool.) 

(also I fully acknowledge that all of this is Pure Speculation, aided by some ridiculously intense scrutiny of a tv show, and thus not an exact science, and completely likely to be wrong. but man, would I love to be right.)

So first, I’m just gonna talk about the existence of the namedrop in general. So, before that moment, we had no idea how important Nura would actually be to Nia’s story. The writers could’ve chosen to not even name her at all, and could’ve just left the reveal as something more general, like “Brainy knows something about Nia in the 31st century, but can’t say what because of Space-Time Continuum stuff.” But they didn’t - instead, they created a Very Specific secret that Brainy is now keeping from everyone. 

This is absolutely a deliberate choice made by the writers. They already have Nia as a Nura-like character. They didn’t have to namedrop the actual Nura if they didn’t want to. They didn’t have to create that specific problem (the problem being that Brainy apparently knows Nia’s descendent really well). But they did anyway.

Additionally, the fact that they didn’t have a follow-up scene later in the episode where Brainy explains who Nura is means that all of this WILL come back up eventually. They won’t just leave that thread hanging. So, an important question to ask now is: What Big Thing is gonna happen between Brainy and Nia that forces Brainy to finally spill the beans about who Nura is? 

My personal guess? Nia gets the wrong idea about their relationship, and either kisses Brainy or tries to kiss him, and he panics and blurts out that they can’t do that because he knows her descendent, so being with Nia either feels weird to him, or he’s worried about screwing up the timeline and potentially Marty McFly-ing Nura out of existence. Of course, in telling this to Nia, he’d have to explain who Nura is to both her and the audience.

(Wishful thinking? Maybe. Kind of a cruel bait-and-switch for the writers to pull on shippers? Yeah, I’d say so. But it’s not that different from what they did with Kara and Mon-El last season, and I actually think it’s a VERY plausible ending for Brainy/Nia, sooo…) 

The Reveal™ could happen any number of ways, though, and I realize that. This one just seems like the most CW-style one lmao.

Okay, now I’m gonna analyze the Actual Namedrop Scene, because I can’t stop myself from theorizing and Tinfoil-Hatting™ about Brainy and Nura’s potential relationship in the 31st century.

First, I wanna talk about how intimately familiar Brainy is with Nia’s powers, and how they work. 

He obviously knows these things because of how often he’s worked with Nura in the past - tbh, he and Nura probably discovered these techniques while working together to help her figure her powers out. So, Brainy doesn’t have to do any kind of trial-and-error process with Nia here, because he’s already gone through all that with Nura. This is his second go-around with all of this. 

The concept of Brainy and Nura as a Dream Interpreting Duo is further solidified by this line:

Without Nia even really asking him to, Brainy automatically assigns himself the role of her Personal Dream Interpreter, which again tells me that this is probably the exact kind of relationship that he has/had with Nura. He’s recreating his interactions with Nura without really realizing it (yet). 

Note his body language throughout this scene. It’s not clinical or distant, which would imply that his dynamic with Nura was an impersonal one driven by duty or scientific curiosity - rather, it’s very personal, and intimate, and even Soft in a way that we’ve never really seen Brainy behave with anyone before. 

(Brainy/Nia shippers are, of course, going to interpret this behavior as evidence for their own ship, but IMO it’s actually much stronger evidence towards a (former) Brainy/Nura romance, more than anything else.)

Whether or not there’s a romantic angle, though, Brainy and Nura are still clearly very close. I’d say that’s pretty undeniable at this point.

This is Brainy’s face right as he calls Nia by Nura’s name, btw:

(So frickin’ cute, oh my gooood. This is one of the biggest things that makes me question if his relationship with Nura might’ve been romantic at some point, because LOOK at this! Look at his FACE!) 

Aaaand this is his face once he realizes that he Fucked Up™:

It isn’t even an ‘oh shit!’ reaction. He doesn’t blink or look startled. He just immediately and completely walls himself off. Because that Softness that he accidentally showed here? That smile, the Sparkly Eyes? Those were his feelings about Nura, getting tangled up in his conversation with Nia. Those words that he said to Nia? Are ones that he’s undoubtably said to Nura before. 

That’s why the slip-up happened in the first place. He was talking to Nia, but due to the familiarity and intimacy of the moment, he was thinking about Nura. 

Now I’m gonna talk about Tropes. Because I LOVE tropes. And as soon as the namedrop happened the way it did - in the middle of an emotionally vulnerable moment - my mind instantly went to the Wrong Name Outburst trope:

(these screenshots are courtesy of TVTropes, obvs. highlights are courtesy of me.) 

So like, Brainy saying Nura’s name when he did isn’t as bad as, say, him blurting it out in the middle of sex (lmao can you imagine), but it’s still not a good sign for Brainy/Nia, as far as I’m concerned. It’s never a good sign when a dude calls his supposed Love Interest by the wrong name after knowing her for a while. It just isn’t. 

(It’s different if the Wrong Name Outburst had been a mistake from the first time they met - that’s a different version of the trope. Like, if Brainy had called Nia “Nura” outside of the pizzeria, then that’s an understandable case of Mistaken Identity. But to call her that when he already knows full-well who she is? Yikes lol, that’s a BIG romance no-no.)  

Anyway, speaking of the pizzeria, if you click on the “You Remind Me of X” trope link, you can then scroll down to find this section: 

The Flashback Echo mentioned here definitely applies to the pizzeria scene, right down to Brainy’s “Do I know you?” moment of startled recognition. If we’re following the logic of the trope, then it’s not a far stretch to assume that Brainy’s connection to Nura might’ve been romantic, most likely a “failed romance” (since I doubt Nura is dead). 

Of course, Nura could also just be a really good friend, and maybe that would be enough to trigger the same reaction from Brainy…but there’s no way of knowing for sure until he lets the audience in on his secret. I’m really, really curious about what explanation they’ll go with, though. Personally, I hope it’s romance. But maybe that’s just me.

And now, finally, an add-on (because I can’t figure out where else to put it). Why do I think that Nura would specifically be a former love interest for Brainy, if she’s going to be one at all? Well, for two reasons:

1) They already pulled a Surprise Wife/Girlfriend trope with Mon-El and Imra last season, and IMO that’s a unique enough story beat that they wouldn’t want to use it again with Brainy and Nura, lest they risk the show becoming weirdly repetitive. 

2) Revealing that Nura is Brainy’s Amicable Ex (meaning: they’re still good friends even though they’re not Together anymore) would be a good way to pay homage to the Brainy/Dream Girl relationship from the comics and give a definitive reason why Brainy/Nia can’t happen, while still leaving the door open for the writers to potentially explore…uhh, certain other ships next season. *COUGH* You know…potentially. 

Thus my assumption that, on the off chance that they DO make Brainy/Nura romantic, it’ll be something in the past, that’s now over and done with. 

(NOTE: The Brainy/Nura romance angle is really just a Pet Theory that I’ve grown particularly fond of over the past few days. Like…if I’m being Realistic, I think it’s much more likely that Brainy’s never been in a romantic relationship before in canon, given how little he seems to know about relationships and social cues in general. So, Nura will probably just be a close friend. But I think most of the stuff I talked about can still totally apply even with them just being close friends.)

Aaand…that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. 

P.S. Like I said at the beginning of this post, this is all just Pure Speculation and Tinfoil-Hatting and I’m aware of that. I mean really, who tf knows what’s actually going to happen on this show? Def not me lol. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

So please don’t come for me if you have a different opinion lakjsdfkjd 

[orionsangel86]

A retrospective look at the Season 12 wishlist.

Back shortly after the season 11 finale I wrote out a wishlist of all the things I wanted for Season 12. Looking back at that list (here) It’s funny to see what I wanted with hindsight now that season 12 is over and season 13 is only a week away. I thought I would revisit my season 12 wishlist to recap the season and where I went wrong (and right!) before I post a wishlist for season 13.

Wish 1. Castiel gets his emotional arc resolved - This is a big one. As a Cas girl I was left unsatisfied with Castiel’s arc this season, HOWEVER, we KNOW from previous Dabb episodes that he loves to explore Castiel’s emotional story and I have no doubt that this will continue into season 12. Our angel still has a story ahead of him (hopefully ending in the love of a certain green eyed hunter.)

In Hindsight: Ah yes, my big number one on the wishlist was all about Cas getting his emotional arc resolved. Did he get this? Well, kind of. I don’t think any of us could have predicted that Dabb would give us THREE Castiel heavy episodes exploring his emotional past, present and future in ways which blew our collective meta brains out. Cas got lots of love this season and its why season 12 is now one of my all time faves. Where we are now is unknown in some ways for Cas but in other ways his past is clear. He has finally reached the transformation part of his character journey, and season 13 will bring us a Cas rising from the ashes like a beautiful phoenix shrouded in flames.

Wish 2. SUPERBRITISH - I am not going to stop going on about this. This is my land, My green and (fairly) pleasant land. The British are coming to Supernatural and I cannot stop being excited about it. Can I please have ALL the TFW in London head canons please? From traffic jams and silly accents to discovering the glory that is a bacon roll from Gregs on a Sunday morning whilst suffering a horrendous hangover.

In Hindsight: LOL. Yeah right. Am I disappointed? Totally. The British Men of Letters were for me, totally underwhelming. There was no trip to England, there was no grumpy Dean stuck on the M25. At the end of the day they served their purpose. They brought home the fact that hunting is not black and white. That sometimes it is humans who are the most monstrous. Honestly right now I just hope we don’t revisit it. I think its best that this story line gets dropped from now on. *sigh*

Wish 3. Awesome female characters continuing to kick ass - I adored the use of female characters in the finale. They all lived, no one female was a sexy lamp (sadly that role was given to Castiel) and no one got forced into unnecessary make out sessions. The women are smart, sarcastic badass queens who will RULE this show come October, and I for one, cannot wait. 

In Hindsight: Can I hear a cheer for the WAYWARD SISTERS! Hell’s YES! I mean, they have granted us what we wanted with the Wayward Sisters in season 13, but did we actually get this in season 12? Well, Lady Toni turned out to be a psycho, who died. Her British badass knuckle duster lady also died. Alicia and Tasha both died, so did Rowena and Eileen. It actually wasn’t a GREAT season for the girls. This is what happens when you give Bucklemming too much control over the main plot I suppose. *sigh*. So whilst the Wayward Sisters announcement definitely counts as a win, overall I can’t say this wish has been ticked off. 

Wish 4. Men of Letters vs Grand Coven - Yes this is a big one and I am hoping is the main story arc going forward into season 12. I want to see more of the Grand Coven of witches and their European battle with the Men of Letters. I am expecting more awesome women kicking ass thanks to this potential storyline.

In Hindsight: LOL. Again. Wasted. Potential. *sigh*

Wish 5. Mother Mary and family time - Mary’s reveal was pretty amazing especially since I think we were all expecting it to just be her ghost or a vision or something, but nope, Mummy Winchester is back on the scene and I can’t even begin to imagine what they are planning to do with this. All I am hoping for is that Mary’s influence will help Dean to accept certain parts of him that he loves to keep repressed (effeminophobia and his bisexuality being the big ones). Mary coming back will hopefully start to truly break down and destroy John Winchester’s toxic influence over his sons. I also really really want her to meet Cas and say the words “Thank you for watching over my son.” YES.

In Hindsight: Ok so this one I think gets ticked off. Mary’s purpose was to get Dean to let go of some of his major hang ups, to finally get some really heavy stuff off his chest, and to break down John Winchesters toxic influence. Also for Dean to finally take his mother off that pedestal he’s been keeping her on his whole life. I think the show, and 12x22 particularly, did an excellent job with this. We didn’t quite get a bisexual reveal, but the subtext was thick and heavy (12x11 was glorious). Mary also mirrored Cas continually throughout the season as two people both looking for their place in this little family dynamic and having Mary accept Cas as “one of my boys” really was the icing on the cake for any Cas fans out there happily sipping on hater tears.

Wish 6. Sam gets some distance from Dean, some other friends, maybe a girl, and definitely a dog - I think it is safe to say that Sam isn’t dead. Probably just shot in the arm or leg or something. I want him to be taken to England by Lady T and face the Men of Letters. I hope that they will warm to Sam (and his wonderful moose charms) and that Sam will get to bond with his British companions away from Dean (because Dean always steals the side characters away and bonds with them more than Sam ever does - except for Eileen). Maybe there could even be love in the future for Sam - either by bringing back Eileen or developing a decent and believable relationship between Sam and Lady T (I don’t want her forced into the love interest role, I think she is far too good for that already, but if she becomes a regular throughout the season like Rowena is then potentially a relationship could blossom slowly between them. It could work. I have been hoping for love for Sam for some time now and I can see the potential in this).

In Hindsight: Urgh so this is a yes and a massive NOPE at the same time. Bucklemming managed to ruin Lady Toni in the second episode of the season and then killed off Eileen in 12x21 (seriously fuck those assholes). I guess even the THOUGHT of shipping Sam with someone now gets a girl killed in this show even if she doesn’t go near his killer dick. Poor Sam. On a more positive note he DID get some distance from Dean in 12x22 and symbolically the toxic co-dependency has been broken. So that is one major point to mark off. (I didn’t actually even wish for that as I doubted it would happen myself!) Shame about him still not getting a dog though. WHY CAN’T YOU GIVE SAM A DOG DAMMIT! Sam has definitely moved forward in season 12 to a healthier place, though I think he still has far to go compared to Dean. Hopefully we will see him reach his full potential in season 13.

Wish 7. Lady T is a well developed, fully rounded, likeable character and not a sexy lamp or boring love interest - I already love her. I want to know more about her, her motivations, her back story, how she became a woman of letters, I want her to be a worthy adversary to the Winchesters before becoming a trustworthy ally. I want her to continue to take none of their shit, to put them in their place and therefore earn their respect. I also really want to see her face of with Rowena. That would be awesome. England vs Scotland right there! Potentially I would accept her becoming a love interest to Sam only if it was done right. If it was done in the subtext throughout the season and is only a very very tiny part of the storyline. It would have to be major slow burn. No forced kisses like in CACW (did you guys see that? what the fuck was that?). Only then, would I accept any sort of romantic sub-plot between characters.

In Hindsight: *ugly cries into pillow over how off the mark this was*

Fuck you Bucklemming.

Wish 8. More screen time for Dean and Cas = DESTIEL - Well obviously. It wouldn’t be a proper supernatural wishlist if it didn’t have Destiel written in big letters somewhere now would it? After all the build up in Season 11 in the subtext I am still convinced that this is going somewhere. The season finale has NOT destroyed my positivity at all. In fact it has only added to it. (come ask me about it if you want more info). At the end of the day, Dean and Cas are going to have to save Sam. This means spending time together trying to FIND Sam in a completely unknown city (hence my excitement over them renting a car and getting stuck on the M25 before ending up lost in somewhere like Surrey… Oh the fanfiction potential! I can practically taste it! I have faith in Dabb to bring us more destiel moments. he has always been good to us.

In Hindsight: *stops crying*

*jumps around in glee*

*remembers the end of 12x23*

*cries again*

Do I even need to talk about it? Every good wishlist should include destiel, but I NEVER would have predicted what they gave us. I NEVER would have seen it coming…

Mixtaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeee

But seriously though? With the pining over each other in 12x09, the angel/human love stories and human weakness of 12x10, the LOVE CONFESSION of 12x12 and the MIXTAPE (among other amazing moments) in 12x19 where do I even START with season 12 destiel?!? The fact that they have ended it like they have KNOWING Cas is coming back… I mean… it is BEYOND ANYTHING I COULD HAVE DREAMED UP. There is a reason we call it season fanfic 12. Holy crap it was glorious. I’m marking this a big YES for the wishlist.

Wish 9. Following on from the above… HUNTER CAS - Dabb brought us the wonderful episode Hunteri Heroci which had Cas try out his hunting skills (and save the day I might add). We know Dabb loves Cas. I have every reason to believe that Cas will get more time as a Hunter. I want him in MOTW episodes. He will be soooo good in MOTW episodes please please PLEASE let this happen! (especially if the MOTW episodes are set in BRITAIN because the boys are still out there dealing with the MOL and the Grand Coven…. I see them dealing with ghosts that are 1000 years old and haunting freaking castles… it will be glorious.)

In Hindsight: Does “Agent Beyonce” count as Hunter Cas? Because I want to count it. It may not have been on the level of Hunteri Heroici, but I loved his grumpy married couple bickering with Dean at the start of the season, the lumberjack comment? That was genius. Give us more stuff like that SPN PLEASE.

Wish 10. More funny episodes - More witches doing ridiculous things to the boys. Give me ACTUAL MOOSE SAM WINCHESTER PLEASE! Give me the kind of silly witch stories we have been reading about in fanfics for far too long… come on show, its season 12! What have you got to loose?

In Hindsight: Well, 12x11 was witches and was pretty funny whilst being equally heart breaking. Plus it gave us the wonderful end scene of Dean riding Larry to his hearts content. None of us are gonna forget that in a hurry. I think it counts. Even though I am still royally pissed off that they killed Rowena. *sigh*

We do have a Scooby Doo animated episode in season 13 though which again I never ever would have considered possible but heyho, they love to surprise us.

Wish 11. Beach Episode - This is purely for @elizabethrobertajones. Maybe once they are done in Britain, they’ll head off to the med for a true European beach experience… They’ll be fine as long as they have Cas with them. He speaks all the languages. He can order the cocktails and ice creams. ;-)

In Hindsight: I TAKE IT BACK. NO BEACH EPISODES EVER AGAIN. Sometimes I swear Dabb lurks on Lizzy’s blog to read the kind of stuff we are dreaming up just so he can grant our wishes in the MOST PAINFUL WAY EVER. Cas DIED on a beach. All Dean wanted was to visit a beach once in his life, but they KILLED CAS on a BEACH. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US DABB? WHY?

*continues sobbing into pillow*

Stay tuned for my Season 13 Wishlist... Once I stop crying...

[kateofthecanals]

Thoughts on The Last Jedi

Chock full o’ spoilers under the cut, which I have divided into stuff I liked and stuff I didn’t like, so it’s not ALL bad, lol.

Please note, though, that these are my impressions after only one viewing. I definitely need to see it again (and I will soon), and I’ll be reading everyone else’s posts and meta (good and bad), so my feelings might change...

Until then...

*deep sigh*

Okay, so, my chief problem with this movie is that the first 2/3 of it basically turned out to be pointless. There was all this terrific setup and seeding -- like, literally, those scenes between Rey and Kylo were plucked right out of my fantasies and headcanons over the past 2 years -- but then in the last 30-40 minutes it was like “oh haha just kidding!” and we ended up in the same place we were at the end of TFA. The characters didn’t actually evolve. They went through ALL that but just seemed to ultimately decide that they were better off where they were before. Nothing ultimately mattered -- the Force bond, the hand touch, Snoke’s murder, the team-up in the throne room, the revelation of Rey’s parents, etc... What did that actually accomplish if Kylo was just gonna go right back on his bullshit and Rey was gonna go right back to the Resistance like nothing even happened?

Breaking down more specific things below...

STUFF I LIKED:

- As I said, those early scenes between Rey and Kylo, feeling out their Force-bond, were terrific. Everything I had been hoping for. FORCE-BOND CONFIRMED!

- The Hand Touch scene omigaawwwwd. It was basically Force-sex, complete with Force-gasm. The way it was filmed, the insinuation was preeeeetty clear -- the soft, warm lighting, the fact that Kylo took off his glove so as to facilitate SKIN-TO-SKIN contact, the EXTREME CLOSE-UP of their fingertips where you could see their fingerprints, the little gasp Rey let out.... It was the hottest, most sexually-intense scene I could have imagined without any actual sex being involved. Very clever of Rian, considering this is a Disney movie and whatnot. Too bad they got caught by lame Uncle Luke! ;-P

- 8-PACK CONFIRMED!!! I actually saw a post about this scene prior to the movie but I thought it was just a JOKE. I cannot believe they actually did that, I was laughing so hard. Primarily because you just KNOW Kylo did that shit on purpose, thinking to himself “Hmmm, what can I do to Seduce Her To The Dark Side...? Why, she’ll never be able to resist my SWEET PECS!” Like... bro... stop. LMAO. Anyway, I appreciate the catering to the female gaze. ;-)

- R.I.P. Rey Skywalker and Rey Solo. Can we please move on now? (Though a friend did say he suspected the revelation of Rey’s parents wasn’t actually true, but, like, she was the one who confirmed it, so why wouldn’t you believe it???)

- R.I.P. Finnrey? Between Rose smooching Finn, and Rey grinning as she watched Finn hold vigil over injured Rose, I think we can say yes. Or maybe we’re just being trolled here too...

- The team-up in the throne room made me soooo happy; even the other people in the theatre were cheering. I’d LIKE to think that this is foreshadowing a future partnership of some sort between them, but... 

- The fact that, after learning the truth about Kylo, Rey insisted on calling him Ben. He seemed really affected by that too. Well, for a little while anyway...

- PORGS, GLORIOUS PORGS! I just wish there had been more of them, LOL. But I’m sure Rian wanted to use them sparingly so they wouldn’t wear out their welcome, so he achieved that at least. 

- I think I’m content with how Luke’s story was resolved. I have to ponder it some more before reaching solid conclusions, but he went on his own terms, which I think is the best we could have hoped for. And we can be sure there will be tons of Luke Force-Ghost action in Episode 9, lol.

- When Rey and Kylo had hand-sex, she saw Kylo becoming Ben again, and Kylo saw himself and Rey ruling the Galaxy side-by-side. I don’t think those were mutually exclusive visions of the future -- if this trilogy is all about finding Balance, then I think that the truth of those visions (filtered and interpreted between two very disparate perceptions) will meet somewhere in the middle. My headcanon endgame for Reylo has always been Rey and Ben becoming Gray Jedi and teaming up to “rule” the Galaxy from a position of that ever-coveted Balance, so I think that is what those visions could be hinting at. At least, I’d like to think so, but those last 30-40 minutes gave me major reservations...

- So, I’m putting this one under Stuff I Like but it’s not something I really liked or disliked, I just thought it was a bizarre choice, and that was this sudden playing of Hux strictly for laughs. Like, yeah, in TFA, he was a great source of comedy for myself and others (#coasters), but the whole reason he was so funny was because of how utterly seriously he (and the film) took himself. But then he became somewhat of a caricature of himself in TLJ -- like an SNL sketch version of Hux. I mean, I enjoyed it and was entertained, but it was just an odd choice to me.

STUFF I DIDN’T LIKE:

- The turning point for me, going from “YES YES YES!” to “oh...” was immediately after the team-up in the throne room, when I quickly realized that Kylo didn’t kill Snoke because he suddenly “woke up”, and he didn’t do it for Rey... he did it so that HE could be the HBIC. He didn’t change at all. His ambitions only became amplified.

- I was really bummed when Snoke “revealed” that he was the one who facilitated the Force-bond between Kylo and Rey, but I was relieved to see this wasn’t the case after all at the end when Kylo and Rey had that one last Force-encounter. But again, what was this actually worth in the end? She closed the door on him. It was established in this film, via Luke, that a Force user can close themselves off to the Force. Who’s to say Rey won’t do the same to Kylo? That she will find a way to cut him off completely? There’s literally nothing stopping her, because she has clearly given up on him...

- ... as has everyone else. And with good reason, tbh. The moment Kylo threw Rey under the bus for Snoke’s death, declared himself new Supreme Leader, and went fucking buckwild on Luke, I knew all hope for redemption was gone. Even Leia was like, “nope, I was wrong, he’s lost for good.” Basically what I got out of this movie was, Rey and Kylo “flirt” with the other sides of the Force for a hot second but then just ultimately decide that they belong where they were in the first place. Gee wow what awesome character development...

- The revelation of Rey’s parents was just so... banal. I felt like this was thrown in there just to put the question to rest, without any additional thought or exploration, even though that was made such a HUGE deal of in TFA. But, nah, they were “nobodies”, end of story, case closed, that’s all she wrote. It was never even explained how Kylo knew about Rey’s parents!!

- I’ve seen people claim that this movie “shuts down” anti arguments for good and that is simply not the case. There is still plenty of ammo from this movie they can use, chief among them Kylo’s cringeworthy statement to Rey that “You’re nobody. But not to me.” Oh great, I can see the Discourse already... reeeaaaally wish Rian hadn’t thrown fuel on the fire like that, but here we are. I mean, there’s some degree of justification in that (a) Kylo can’t people and this was the only way he could think to convince Rey to stay with him by playing off her one biggest weak spot, and (b) he’s perpetuating the cycle of abuse tactics instilled in him by Snoke, but NEITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE GOOD EXCUSES. Like, okay Kylo, it’s lovely that she means something to you, but telling her that YOU are the only one who sees something special in her is a dick move for sure. (Basically, the scene felt like the Blackwater to me, with Kylo trying to implore Rey to come with him, she refusing, and him just flipping the fuck out on her... YA BLEW IT, SON! Hopefully, though, like Sandor, Kylo will realize that, if he REALLY wants to be with Rey, he has to become a better man... that HE has to change for HER and not the other way around... But I am not hopeful this is a direction Lucasfilm will ultimately decide to take.)

- I’m glad everyone’s happy that Kylo didn’t actually KILL Leia (which I knew he wouldn’t) but I dunno how many brownie points he gets considering he still let those other fighters take her out... I mean, she SHOULD have died, but apparently she’s from Krypton or something? LOL... But anyway, I mean, he may have not known that those other fighters were around him, but he still could have done SOMETHING, but he didn’t.

- And he barely even flinched when Snoke was torturing Rey. You’d think that, I don’t know, since they have a Force-bond and everything, that he would have been able to feel her pain or something???

- During Kylo’s attack on Crait, at a certain point (around the time Luke shows up), Rey just, like, disappears, completely, and doesn’t show up again until the very end to do her rock-lifting trick. Firstly, where the hell was she that whole time, but more importantly, wouldn’t it have been kind of awesome if, like, she could sense what was happening between Kylo and Luke and using their Force-bond try to talk him out of it? And see him actually STRUGGLE with it because he’s still torn between wanting to be with her and wanting to be the Big Bad? Buuuut no, because at that point, both their minds were made up, and Rey had given up on him anyway.

- On a more technical level, I was really disappointed by how the Force-bond sequences were filmed. I expected way more from Rian Johnson; this was something any first-year film student could have come up with. Now, I’m not claiming to be “better than Rian Johnson”, but in my headcanons of Rey and Kylo’s Force-conversations, there was a noticeable atmospheric shift -- some sort of visual cue that something “different” was going on... Instead of just this basic cutting back and forth between them in their respective locales. Meh.

- I didn’t find Rose that memorable, sorry. And her whole mission with Finn, much like the Kylo/Rey storyline, ended up being completely pointless, thanks to Admiral Holdo needlessly keeping vital info about her plans from Poe. WHY??? All of it was just an elaborate excuse to send Finn off on another adventure where he would end up back with the First Order so he could finish off Phasma, period. Like, yeah, there was that little hint at the very end that those kids who took care of the fathiers would, like, have something to do with the Resistance in the next movie, but honestly that could have just been a little meta commentary about how kids have been inspired by the Star Wars franchise over these past 40 years. Which is nice and all, but Finn and Rose’s mission was still pointless.

- Same with Holdo. So here’s this lady who just shows up out of nowhere, keeps vital information from Poe for no good goddamn reason, thereby forcing him to come up with his own plan and send Finn & Rose on a wild goose chase, and then suddenly we’re supposed to buy this close, intimate relationship she has with Leia so that we’ll feel all wistful when she decides to go on a suicide mission to protect the Resistance?? That should have been Leia, tbh... and not just for cheap emotional impact. At that point, Leia believed both the cause and her son to be lost and really had nothing else to lose at that point, and it would have been well within her personality to take out as many motherfuckers as she could to go down with her. Holdo should have been set up as Leia’s heir apparent going forward, and Leia going all kamikaze on the First Order would have been an interesting parallel to Luke also sacrificing himself to protect the ones he loved. AND it would have solved the whole issue of how to move forward in the story after Carrie’s death. I mean, we know that Leia was supposed to play a big part in Episode 9, but we’ll never know what that was supposed to be anyway...

Okay so those are the just the things on the forefront of my mind today. I might think of some more, and like I said at the top, my opinions on these might change... and y’all are free to try to change my mind. ;-)

No but seriously, very anxious to hear other people’s opinions!

[ironinkpen]

the bayard is the paladin is the lion: a season 3 prediction

Alternatively titled: Watch This Child Jeopardize Her GPA in Real Time As She Ignores Her Midterms to Write Yet Another Fucking Meta

The lovely @littleblackchats already wrote an awesome post about the symbolism of the bayards for each of the characters in Voltron. But I was wondering: could we take it a step further and use the weapons - and what they say symbolically about the paladins wielding them - to make an informed guess about who’s going to end up in what lion next season?

(even if the answer to that question is no, i’m already writing this so whatever)

Since Allura, Keith, and Lance are the most likely to be swapped into new lions (or, in Allura’s case, to be put into a lion for the first time), I thought it’d be cool to take a look at what the weapons each of them wields says about their personalities, and whether that can give us hints as to who’s gonna be the Black Paladin next season while Shiro’s gone.

Alright, so in episode 1, Allura tells us that a lion’s quintessence is mirrored in its paladin, and that the paladin shapes the bayard. So lion = paladin = bayard. The lion and paladin should be similar in personalty, and the bayard should be compatible to the paladin’s style of fighting and personality as well. This is shown really well in Hunk and Pidge: Pidge’s weapon is small (like her), electric (reflecting her interest in computers), and made for precision (Pidge is more interested in finding clever solutions than just brute-forcing problems), while Hunk’s is big (just like him), long-range (reflecting his wish to stay distanced from conflict), and packs a punch (Hunk is the strongest character on the team, after all).

So the weapons tell us something about the personalities of the ones using them. But what can their respective weapons tell us about Keith, Lance, and Allura?

Let’s start with Mr. “I want you to lead Voltron” himself:

Keith’s weapon is a sword, which is all sorts of metaphorical fun. Swords in literature (besides being like. hella phallic lmao) are usually associated with the archetype of the knight. 

The knight character usually brings to mind two sets of traits: leadership, wisdom, chivalry, and arrogance (yay phallic symbolism) and on the flip side, hot bloodedness, passion, youth, romance, inexperience, and naiveté. Knighthood stories usually either follow an older, wiser knight as they go on a quest (usually to repay an old debt of some sort, a la Beowulf), or a younger, bright-eyed knight as they set out on an adventure of some sort (which typically involve a pretty girl in some way). Two very different possible characterizations! As you can see, sword imagery is a... double edged sword. 

(I’ll show myself out)

Keith doesn’t have the naiveté or sense of romance that young knights often have, but the traits of hot bloodedness, passion, and youth fit him well. He’s definitely an impulsive character, prone to charging into battle without a plan:

(it was such a bad idea that Hunk thought it was a joke sldkjf)

The sword itself is a very impulsive, instinctive weapon. Sword fighting is about being faster than your opponent and values making the first strike. It’s also a reaction-based weapon that requires that you respond to your opponent’s attacks. Instinct is key in sword fighting– you have to be able to quickly respond when a blow is coming at you. This fits into the whole “relies on instinct more than skill alone” thing of the Red Lion.

The sword is also a weapon of violence. Knights were... usually not actually great, noble guys in practice. Keith subverts that whole mess by being a genuinely nice kid, but we see the bloodthirstiness typically associated with his weapon in scenes like at the end of season 1, where he charges in to attack Zarkon despite the fact that that’s. A really bad idea. Like I said, Keith’s a passionate character, and that can often translate into stabbiness with him. 

As a close-range weapon, swords require that their users be brave enough to get close to their enemy. The user also has to be pretty confident that they’ll be able to handle themselves in a fight, because you gotta get like super close to someone that wants to kill you and be fairly certain that you’re the one who’s gonna make it out alive. Definitely Keith.

The sword is also tied with the traits of adventure, protection, and duty. Keith kicks off half of this whole Voltron adventure by going to get Shiro (Lance brings Pidge and Hunk along and finishes the party). His protective instinct is seen when he saves Shiro in season 2, covers Lance when they fight together, and tries to leave the team because he thinks they’re being tracked through them. His sense of duty is seen when he argues that Pidge can’t leave the team to go after her family bc they need her for Voltron (like... not ur call tho buddy) and when he turns away from his past in BoM to save people.

And it’s a rebel’s weapon! Which totally fits the whole “had a discipline issue and flunked out” thing at the Garrison. My boy doesn’t like authority at all lmao. When Coran tries to stop him from fighting Zarkon he just. Runs off and does it anyway. I love him.

Another motif often tied to swords is brotherhood. “Brothers in arms,” and all that. In that scene with the Blade Of Marmora, the armor Keith’s wearing is meant to show the wearer’s hopes and fears, and he sees Shiro, someone he considers a brother, walking away from him. The choice he is forced to make in this scene is between knowledge and companionship, and then between knowledge and heroism, which is telling of what Keith values as a person. He actually chooses knowledge over companionship during his conversation with Shiro, which... actually doesn’t really fit with the knight motif at all. But he then chooses heroism over knowledge, turning away from the answers to his past, which does. Either way, the decision to pick his past over his friends was clearly a difficult one to Keith, which makes sense, as knights are often more interested in interpersonal relationships and saving others than the pursuit of wisdom.

(Interestingly, though, Lance calls Keith a “samurai” in the comic, and the samurai archetype is often associated with traits like loneliness, wandering, and being lost. So while Keith clearly places value in bonds with others, like a knight, it seems that in practice he behaves more like the lonely samurai. Aw :( )

At his core, Keith is a very loyal character, both to the cause of saving the Universe and to his teammates. And this is consistent with his weapon. Knights are often sworn to a lord or lady or cause that they’ll fight for. With Keith, that cause and those people are Team Voltron.

Alright so that’s a lot on Keith. Now onto Lance:

His bayard’s a gun! Also super phallic lol. But ignoring that, let’s talk about what this says about Lance!

Alright, so for one thing, Lance’s weapon is built for medium to long range fighting. It’s a weapon that requires distance from the opponent. This shows a tendency to disengage when possible, which is absolutely consistent with Lance’s character. He prefers to think up a plan rather than charge right in.

Lance’s weapon also calls upon the archetype of the sniper. When you think of a sniper, the trait of patience probably comes to mind– the sniper of the group is usually the guy sitting up on a high place, observing the lay of the land and quietly waiting around to make their shot. While it may seem at first glance like Lance’s loud-mouthed, hyper personality doesn’t fit this archetype at all, it… actually does. Really, really well.

(God this shot (heh) always gives me shivers)

Take this scene for example. Lance, despite the closing doors, the fact that he’s just been shot out into space, and the stress on him (they need Slav for their whole plan to work), makes the shot and saves Slav. And he waits for the perfect moment before shooting. The cool-headedness he shows here is astounding.

Plus, think of his Garrison backstory. He was a cargo class pilot at the Garrison despite wanting to be fighter class. But did he give up? Not at all. He continued to work to be top of his class so that when a slot opened up, he was able to be moved up into fighter class. And he did this with no indication that a place would even open up in the first place. He was likely working for quite some time before Keith got kicked out. He’s actually a pretty patient character!!

On the flip side, though, there’s the idea of the “itchy trigger finger.” Lance doesn’t always think things through– he can also be pretty hotblooded and passionate and make snap (read: bad) decisions (like in the case of his thirst for Nyma, for one). That also says something interesting about his character: impulse = bad when it comes to Lance. An itchy trigger finger is a negative thing. While with the sword, passion and energy can be good, noble things, the gun is a weapon that almost exclusively causes harm when used impulsively. Keith’s impulses tend to be on the right path, while Lance’s are usually bad.

The gun ultimately requires focus. When a sniper’s eye strays from the scope, the shot’s lost. A lot of the times Lance messes up in when he’s looking at the people around him for approval / praise instead of focusing on the task. In episode 1 he crashes the simulator because he’s bragging, at one point in season 1 he crashes into something when boasting to Shiro about how he’s not an amateur, etc. etc. However, in situations like the above where Lance is focusing on a task and not on the opinions of others, he’s extremely effective. 

This plays interestingly with another trait of the sniper archetype: observation. A sniper is often looking at things from a higher vantage point and watching others. While they have to be focused, they also have to be aware of the things around them. When he talks about his team during the episode with the prison break in season 2, Lance easily describes each of their strengths, and in season 1, he’s able to tell that the bomb isn’t Rover almost immediately, because Pidge isn’t with it. For someone that seems so self-absorbed at first glance, Lance is very in tune with the people in his environment and the environment itself.

On that note, the gun, like the sword, is a weapon of decisiveness. There’s really no taking back a shot bullet, just as it’s hard to stop a blade once it’s swung. The user of a gun must use it at the right moment, and with precise aim. In the scene above where he’s rescuing Slav, Lance only gets one shot (heh) to do what he can. And he follows through with one decisive flick of his finger.

But that edges into the dark side of the gun. While there’s definitely the trait of cool-headedness associated with gun users, this can also toe the line of cruelty. Characters with guns can be lone wolves and cold-blooded killers– the distance from their opponents makes them more able to detach from the act of killing. There’s also an aspect of cowardice to it, as the user often doesn’t face their opponents head to head.

I’d say that the narrative tosses that set of traits aside for Lance, though. When saving Slav, Lance goes for the warden’s arm, not a killing shot. Lance uses his gun to minimize damage, not cause it-- he often shows a preoccupation with the well-being of others (like when he reminds Keith to be careful with the Balmera because they’re alive). And Lance is definitely pretty brave (like when he pushes Coran out of the way of that bomb). His talkative personalty also subverts the lone wolf trope. However, the fact that his weapon requires distance can be a reflection of the loneliness he feels (he thinks he’s a seventh wheel :’( ).

Last, but definitely not least, we move onto Allura:

Alright, so the thing about Allura is that she doesn’t actually have a bayard. She does, however, have a weapon of choice, which is a staff.

(more… phallic imagery…….)

I’ll be honest, my knowledge of martial arts is limited and my English classes don’t typically cover staffs (heh), because none of the characters in the books I’ve read so far actually like… use staffs to fight. BUT I’ll try my best lmao

The staff has an interesting duality to it: on one hand, it’s a very firm weapon that requires strength and a good, firm stance to wield, while on the other, it’s a very flexible weapon that allows its user to change direction and move. This matches Allura’s character well. She can be really stern and really stubborn (when she insists on going into the ship in season 1, when she runs off with Keith, when she refuses to work with the BoM, etc.), but she’s also adaptable and flexible (when she wakes up and is like “yeah okay I guess I slept for 10000 years,” when she trains the paladins despite their being young and inexperienced because hey, they’re what we’ve got, when she works with the Blade of Marmora despite the fact that the Galra killed her entire people, etc.). Allura digs her heels in at times and lets herself go with the flow at others.

The staff is a weapon of strength and steadiness, one that has the ability to withstand blows. Allura goes through like. So much through the story, what with her losing her home, her people, and then her father’s AI. But despite that, she doesn’t crumble. Girl’s strong as hell.

But, on the flip side, it’s also a weapon of lightfootedness, a la Aang from Avatar the Last Airbender. I mentioned mobility and flexibility earlier, and that’s absolutely relevant to Allura. The staff allows its user to maneuver quickly. Similarly, Allura facilitates travel for the team: she provides wormholes so they can move around the universe to fight / ditch Zarkon. She’s a mobile, versatile fighter.

The staff is a weapon that’s close range. It has you get right up in your opponent’s face. So, like the sword, it requires that its user be confident and able to respond to attacks quickly. It’s a reaction-based weapon.

However, while it’s close range, the staff also allows the user to keep its opponent at a certain distance if they choose. This quality of the staff reflects Allura’s tendency to “strategize on the fly.” She’s close to her opponent like Keith, but can keep them at a farther distance than he can, like Lance. So she can, if she wants to, step back and get a broader look at the situation. As a result, Allura can rely on both instinct and observation.

It’s also an avoidant weapon, whose main strength lies in parrying the opponent-- it’s built for weathering blows and getting in strategic counterblows. As previously mentioned, this is the strategy of Team Voltron in the war: they attack Zarkon where they can, but otherwise avoid and regroup. It’s a strategy of wearing the opponent down.

The staff’s a difficult weapon to kill with. It doesn’t have a blade like the sword or bullet like the gun. It’s a weapon whose main purpose is to protect, not maim. This is reflected in Allura’s tendency to prefer diplomacy to violence.

Staffs also bring to mind balance. Allura is balancing a lot between helping train the new paladins, running the castleship, and organizing resistance against Zarkon. She’s a character that has to juggle several responsibilities, and she does so expertly.

Some more fun things about the staff (@quillowl thanks for the info!!) is that it can symbolize either a cane or a scepter. The scepter has close ties with responsibility and royalty. As the Commander of the Castle of Lions, Allura is charged with... basically running this whole Voltron show. And, she’s a princess, so, royalty.

As for the cane, it apparently has ties with the traits of wisdom and age. Allura is quite literally 10000 years old, so there’s the age part. And she’s a very wise leader (though she sometimes jumps the gun). The cane also denotes support. 

Alright, this is already getting really long so we’re gonna jump to the good part. What does this have to do with the lions?

Allura states here that the quintessence of the lion matches that of their pilot. I’m basically 99% sure that there’s going to be a lion swap in season 3, what with Shiro out of the picture (for a while at least??), and the three lions that are most likely up for grabs are Black, Red, and Blue. The three people that will most likely fill one of those positions are Allura, Keith, and Lance (though for Allura to do so they’ll have to find a way for Coran to pilot the castle without her).

The Black Lion is the decisive head of Voltron, and requires a born leader who is in control at all times. Its related element is Air.

The Red Lion is the most temperamental of the lions and requires a pilot that relies more on instinct than skill alone. Its related element is Fire.

The Blue Lion’s traits are not stated outright on the show, but the Voltron website describes it as the friendliest of the lions, the most accepting of new pilots, and one of the most confident. Its related element is Water.

So who’s going where?

Well, each of these characters has the decisiveness required of the Black Lion, but personally, I think that Keith fits the Red Lion’s traits a bit too well to be moved from it. Keith fights with his instincts more than his head, which serves him well in battle. He’s agile, like his lion, and quick to charge into a fight (even when it might not be wise to do so). Plus, his relationship to the motif of brotherhood makes it hard for me to believe that he and Red will be easily separated. I think that Keith’s sense of duty to Shiro will make him try to pilot the Black Lion for at least a while, but his deep bond with Red will probably prevent him from keeping the role. However, he would be a good fit if the job if they did keep him in the Black Lion. The sword is a weapon of leadership-- Keith would just have to learn how to hone it. 

As for Allura, if she is put in a lion, she has the friendliness of the Blue Lion, seen in her tendency to use diplomacy where she can. Her adaptability is consistent with that of the Blue Lion’s element of water– she “goes with the flow.” Plus, the staff is a weapon that is more difficult to hurt others with, and water is the element of healing. The Blue Lion is also a very well-balanced lion stat wise, reflecting Allura’s preference towards weapons that are balanced. And Allura has the steadiness and strength that a leg of Voltron would need to support the team, just as Hunk does.

On the flip side, that firmness and strength would also serve her as the Head of Voltron. Her adaptability makes her the flexible leader she already is, and the Black Lion is also a very well balanced weapon. Her ability to juggle so many things reflects a leader’s ability to balance and keep track of their team. Plus, the interpretation of the staff as a scepter calls to mind leadership, dignity, and responsibility-- all of which the head of Voltron should have. The staff is also, again, a weapon of lightfootedness, which is a definite argument that Allura’s native element could be Air, aka the Black Lion’s element.

As for putting Allura in the Red Lion, the agility and mobility her weapon provides would suit Red well. However, Red is a temperamental lion, and while Allura is passionate and fiery in personality, the staff errs more on the side of defense than on attack. Red would appreciate Allura’s willingness to step forward and attack, but might become frustrated with her tendency to keep distance from the opponent and strategize in the meantime.

And that leaves Lance, who’s a little weird. He’s been in the Blue Lion this whole time, but his weapon doesn’t really seem to match Blue’s flexibility as far as I can tell (the gun is too… constricted, you feel me??) or friendliness (guns require distance from others!!). It also doesn’t really match the impulsivity and instinct of the Red Lion, either. It’s very likely that Lance will, at first, be moved to the Red Lion, but I can’t see him fitting the role well. His weapon doesn’t have the agility and mobility of the Red Lion. And, as we’ve said, the gun isn’t a weapon that really works instinctively– when Lance takes that shot in season 2, there’s thought put into it. Impulse + guns (according to the above interpretation) = not great. His tendency to distance himself from problems and think things through even a little would probably piss Red tf off.

However, his decisiveness and patience could be a good fit for the Black Lion. Shiro has told Keith, “patience yields focus” and the weapon of the gun requires both patience to aim and focus to fire. Plus, Lance’s observational skills are befitting of a leader: he’s familiar with the strengths of the team and is quick to tell when something is wrong. The fact that his weapon requires distance shows a tendency like Allura’s to step back and look at a situation to diffuse it, also what a leader would do. He’d have to work on staying on task though lol.

Anyway yikes this got long but my point is that the weapons of the paladins might have been telling us more than we thought!! I’m not completely certain these three are gonna swap for sure or anything, or if Allura is going to get a lion in the first place given the fact that the castle needs her, but I think that if they were to do it, Black Paladin Lance, Red Paladin Keith, and Blue Paladin Allura would make the most sense based on this particular analysis (though keep in mind that I’m biased because I love Lance haha).

But hey the show writers could be interpreting their characters another way, in which case I just wasted like 2 hours I probably should have spent studying but oh well lmao

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Soooo guys I’m doing this

Hold my beer honeybush nevermind my mom drank my honeybush. Hold my tap water. 

Alright. First click on the link

Mmm alright, interesting episode, deep themes, excellent for meta things.

Second click on the link

FUCK EVERYTHING

THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK

Mark Campbell

I didn’t even remember his name or face before opening the page

What the fuck

No WAIT

WAIT

THE FUCK

*smacks forehead*

OF COURSE

Guys this is an excellent combination. Keep holding my tap water.

Ready?

Metamorphosis. Sam is questioning a demon about Lilith’s whereabouts. He’s a man on a mission. Hero, the demon mockingly calls him, to deny he is, as he’s slutting around with some demon. But Sam doesn’t care. He wants to get the job done, finding Lilith in this case. In fact, he wants to get the job done as efficiently and cost-free as possible: he uses his demon powers to exorcise the demon from the possessed person, allowing the possessed person to survive. Ruby will get him to the ER, and he’ll be okay, we suppose. Still Sam doesn’t know where Lilith is; he doesn’t realize that that’s exactly the point, that Ruby wants him to exercise his powers, not to find Lilith at all. Lilith will show up when it’s time for her to make her move on the chessboard of the apocalypse-making.

But let’s get back to Dean’s reaction to discovering about Sam and Ruby going around hunting demons.

SAM: Dean, what are you doing? [Dean keeps packing his things] What, are you- are you leaving? DEAN: You don't need me. You and Ruby go fight demons. SAM: Hold on. Dean, come on, man. [Dean punches him] You satisfied? [Dean punches him again] I guess not. DEAN: Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human? SAM: I'm just exorcising demons. DEAN: With your mind! What else can you do? SAM: I can send them back to hell. It only works with demons, and that's it. DEAN: What else can you do?! SAM: I told you! DEAN: And I have every reason in the world to believe that. SAM: Look, I should have said something. I'm sorry, Dean. I am. But try to see the other side here. DEAN: The other side? SAM: I'm pulling demons out of innocent people. DEAN: Use the knife! SAM: The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year. DEAN: That what Ruby want you to think? Huh? Kind of like the way she tricked you into using your powers? Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends. SAM: I'm not gonna let it go too far. DEAN: It's already gone too far, Sam. If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you. And so would other hunters. SAM: You were gone. I was here. I had to keep on fighting without you. And what I'm doing... it works. DEAN: Well, tell me. If it's so terrific... then why'd you lie about it to me? Why did an angel tell me to stop you? SAM: What? DEAN: Cas said that if I don't stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?

Ooooh man. 

I’m not going to go further down the script of Metamorphosis; the MoTW is a clear mirror for the journey the Winchesters are going through and there surely are more analyses of the episode written by brilliant meta writers out there that we can count.

At the end of the episode, Sam decides to stop using his powers, scared that he might step over a critical point, like the monster of the week, and turn into a monster irreversibly; we know how the story goes, still there are very important lines (I can't keep explaining myself to you. I can't make you understand. [...] I can't. Because this thing, this blood, it's not in you the way it's in me. It's just something I got to deal with / I'm not doing it for you. Or for the angels or for anybody. This is my choice.) but this is not the place to discuss about that side of the story. Because in this post we’re talking about Metamorphosis and Mark Campbell - aka the situation we find at the beginning of season 6. Mark doesn’t say many words and dies pretty much right away, in the second episode of the season. His role in the narrative is to present us, the viewers, and the character we’re looking at the story through, Dean, what has been going on.

And guess what? In the months before the beginning of season 4, Sam was on his own (as in, completely separated from Dean, emotionally separated from Bobby) hunting demons with Ruby. In the months before the beginning of season 6, Sam was on his own (as in, completely separated from Dean, emotionally separated from Bobby) hunting things with the Campbells.

And in both Metamorphosis and the first episodes of season 6 we’re put in front of a similar situation regarding Sam and Dean: Sam defends his actions, adducing rational arguments - and yet deep down he feels a wrongness NOT in his actions but in himself - and Dean is disturbed at Sam’s actions and angry at Sam keeping things hidden from him.

Oh boy.

This is so classically Sam and Dean that it hurts. Sam feels something wrong in the depth of his self (his blood in season 4, “somewhere” in season 6 until Dean and Cas find out about the soul thing), but rationalizes his actions. Dean, on the other hand, has the idea of “normal” flashing in his mind like a pulsing neon sign (Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?) WHAT’S WITH META THINGS THESE DAYS AND THE CONCEPT OF “NORMAL” FOR DEAN POPPING OUT EVERYWHERE??? Oh yes, it’s me bringing it out because I am like this. I have too many feels about it and I am a cry because it’s just too much for my little heart to handle. and is freaked out by what’s wrong with Sam but also doesn’t drink Sam’s rationalizations.

Sam’s explanation for what he does with Ruby make sense. He is saving people instead of killing the meatsuit together with the demon. The narrative plays with us, asking us the question: who’s right?. And in this moment we are supposed to tend towards Sam: Dean is stubborn and rigid in his judgement, he’s black and white. Demon=bad, human=good. Normal=human, using-demon-powers-and-working-with-Ruby=not-normal. We are supposed to be on Sam’s side here. Dean would just have let the poor possessed guy die, stabbed him with the knife... We are supposed to believe that Ruby is helping Sam, that Dean’s unbending and uncompromising attitude is overstrict and narrow-minded and wrong. But then the narrative pulls out the twist and we realize that Dean was right all along, that his unbending and uncompromising attitude is what brings them out of the apocalypse, it’s what rips the script of fate and saves humanity.

Sam has good intentions, but he’s a consequentialist, while Dean is a deontologist. I invite you to read what I wrote about it here and here because it would get too long to discuss about those themes here. In the first post linked I also discuss the apparent contradiction between Dean’s deontology and Sam’s consequentialism and what instead are their stances on good/evil.

Because despite Dean being black and white in his ‘what’s the right thing to do/what’s the wrong thing to do’ while Sam is more flexible, their attitudes towards discriminating between good and evil are different.

Dean sees matters in a scale of doing good and doing evil, which is a spectrum and is connected to actions and choices, not essential characteristics. Sam sees matters in terms of being right and being wrong - and pay attention, ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ here does not refer to opinions/knowledge (I say 2+2=4 and I’m right, I say 2+2=5 and I’m wrong) but to an essential quality of the self. We should probably use the terms ‘alright’ and ‘wrong’ - for Sam, you are either alright or there is something wrong with you. And by the generic you, he usually means himself. I mean, there’s always something wrong with Sam lol. Even in round 1 I talked about his fear of being ‘wrong’ in Dog Dean Afternoon...

Sam doesn’t feel conflicted about using demon powers because of the goodness/evilness of the action of using demon powers itself. He feels freaked out by the fact that he has demon blood in himself, that he is contaminated. He is not ‘right’, he is ‘wrong’, there is something wrong with his self in an essential way. Sam tells Dean that Dean can’t understand, and, well, he’s correct; Dean judges things on an entirely different scale, it’s not about Sam having demon blood or not, Sam being impure or not, Sam being ‘wrong’ or not. It’s a matter of Sam doing things. DEAN is the actual advocate for free will, because DEAN is all about the actions you choose to make. Sam is all about what you are, whether you are pure or not. Sam is delighted when he thinks the trials are purifying him, because he only thinks he can be saved if he’s pure. Dean doesn’t care about pure or impure, he cares about what a person does or not. When Dean has the Mark, when he feels the darkness inside of him, he is not bothered by being contaminated by something - he’s bothered because the Mark makes him lose control over his actions.

Speaking of Mark - let’s go back to another kind of Mark, i.e. Mark Campbell. (Totally unintentional connection, I swear. It just happened.)

Sam rationalizes his hunting life with Mark, Gwen, Christian and Samuel, just like he rationalized his life with Ruby. Dean was in hell back then, and he relied on Ruby. Now, Dean is with Lisa and Ben, and Sam chooses not to let him know he’s alive not to disrupt his apple pie life. His hunting methods in Metamorphosis saved lives; hunting with the Campbells makes sense, they’re efficient together and everything, Sam is somehow an even better hunter than usual, Dean is enjoying his quiet life with Lisa and Ben, everything’s good.

But the Campbells are an alarm bell, just like the whole demon powers thing was an alarm bell - an alarm bell Dean hears.

Dean, stubborn and rigid in his judgement... knows immediately and instinctively if something is a no-no. He knew the Ruby thing was a no-no. He understands immediately that Sam’s behavior at the beginning of season 6 is a red flag. Dean knows immediately the Campbells are not to be trusted, just like he didn’t trust Ruby. He warmed up to Ruby when he found out she saved Sam from his suicidal urges after Dean went to hell, just like he tried to warm up to the Campbells and work with them. But inside he always knew neither Ruby or the Campbells belonged in their space. (See how Dean immediately trusts Cas’ judgement instead - Why did an angel tell me to stop you? - and in season 6 he kept putting trust in Cas until it blew into his face, and yet he was still right in his judgement of Cas).

Sam isn’t bothered by actions, he’s bothered by the feeling that something is not right with him. The demon blood, rather than the act of exercising his powers in itself. When he’s soulless and doesn’t know it yet, he feels there is something wrong with him; even without his soul, his there’s-something-wrong-with-Sam-radar is fully functioning anyway. Dean, on the other hand, doesn’t judge Sam for what he is or the state he’s in. He’s “far from normal, from human” NOT because he has demon blood in him, but because he uses the powers that come with it. He’d hunt Sam because of his use of the demon powers, not because he has them in the first place, as he’s shown all along (see the entire Gordon Walker arc...).

Many people have criticized Dean for blaming Sam for things Sam wasn’t fully responsible for. See Southern Comfort: Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood? Check. Being in cahoots with Ruby? Not telling me that you lost your soul? Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you were doing all kinds of crazy? Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!

But that’s the point. Dean believes so much in human agency that he tends to see everything as a choice. He exaggerates sometimes? Yes. But that’s what makes Dean Dean, what allows him to save the world so many times. What brings Cas to him. Of course we were in season 8 at the time of Southern Comfort, and Dean has gone through the Mark of Cain storyline which has made him experience a situation where his agency is endangered. But he never fails to have faith in the human ability to keep hold of their agency, to the point he kills Death instead of letting Death dictate his actions for him. But I would digress if I talked about that Mark...

This is how Metamorphosis ends:

SAM: These powers... it's playing with fire. I'm done with them. I'm done with everything. DEAN: Really? Well, that's a relief. Thank you. SAM: Don't thank me. I'm not doing it for you. Or for the angels or for anybody. This is my choice.

Oh, Sam. Here’s the word choice, the word Dean uses in Southern Comfort to describe Sam’s decisions to work with Ruby first and to hunt with the Campbells later. (And there we thought Metamorphosis and a random Campbell were such a random association. Southern Comfort makes that association explicit lmao.)

Dean blames him for Ruby and the Campbells because he calls them choices. And it’s Sam who uses the word choice first; a choice he doesn’t follow on. Sam ascribes the possibility of choice to himself regarding the Ruby situation.

Can we ascribe the possibility of choice to Sam while soulless? Maybe yes, maybe no. But Dean does because that’s what Dean believes in more than anything. That there is always a choice. In My Time Of Dying:

TESSA: Whatever's gonna happen's gonna happen. It's out of my control, it's fate. DEAN: Huh. Well, that's crap. You always have a choice. You can either roll over and die or you can keep fighting, no matter what...

If Dean didn’t believe that you always have a choice, what happens? Soul Survivor:

SAM: Look, if you come out of that room, I won’t have a choice!

DEAN: Sure you will! And I know which one you’ll make. Isn’t that right, Sammy? But see… Here’s the thing: I’m lucky. Oh, hell, I’m blessed! ‘Cause there’s just enough demon left in me that killing you? Ain’t no choice at all.

Well, this “ain’t no choice at all” is a figure of speech; it’s a choice Dean has just already made. But I find the wording Dean chooses interesting, because he’s saying that that choice has been made for him by the ‘demon left in him’ after all. Dean knows he would never choose to kill Sam otherwise, so now choosing to kill him isn’t exactly a choice. It’s a choice made by the instinct of self-preservation that the demon-ness has placed on top of everything else inside of him. I have been saying that Dean has always set his self-awareness aside for survival (his and his family’s); in fact, demon Dean decides to act on that self-awareness (that John was abusive, that Sam is sucking the life out of him) out of an instinct of self-preservation that the Mark of Cain heightens in him while he’s a demon. Dean always knew that John was abusive and that his role as Sam’s caretaker denied him a full life of his own; his demon-ness makes him prioritize his self-preservation over the choice to set that awareness aside for the sake of his family. Jeez, I digressed again.

In conclusion, a comparison of Metamorphosis and the role of Mark Campbell in the narrative tell us a lot about Sam’s and Dean’s attitudes towards morality and towards free will.

There are of course more things that can be said about these topics, for instance regarding to the concept of “normal” and “human”, mentioned by Dean in that speech at the beginning of Metamorphosis, and Sam’s demon blood situation and the situation of a human without a soul; but I think I have written enough in this post and I’ll just free you from this hellhole of meta.