#had to look it up on the blog notes counter and jesus fucking christ 2 million notes

[carlyraejepsans]

hey I'm really sorry but I really need to clarify this. Did you post a sans vs reigen Tumblr sexyman art on the anniversary? and in that did sans happen to obliterate reigen before knocking on queen Liz's door? Because it really seems like I'm crazy cuz like. It's June 8th.

this is hilarious bc saying i posted it on the anniversary is like saying your parents celebrated your birthday the day you were born. like yeah i guess it's technically right, but not what people would think lol. anyway you're probably thinking of this one. it's still my most popular post to this day

[bucksfucks]

THE BET | CHAPTER ONE.

Series Masterlist

Abstract | Bucky has to be delusional if he thinks you’ll be his fake girlfriend to his best friends wedding. Why? Because you hate him. Well, no. It’s because you have a hideously inappropriate crush on him and don’t want to accidentally fall in love with him. Luckily, you’re able to confide in your best friend.

Pairing | Roommate!Bucky Barnes x f!reader

Word Count | 2,999 words

Warnings | Slow burn, enemies to lovers, dumbass 1 and dumbass 2, playful roommate dynamics, pet-name [Sweets], reader insert with a set last name [Y/N Sweet], feelings of jealousy, alludes to masturbation, Bucky is a bit of a fuckboy, swearing, reader believes her feelings are unrequited — 18+ ONLY [MY BLOG IS NOT FOR MINORS. MINORS DNI.]

Authors Note | I want to thank everyone for their support on me rebooting this story. The OC version is up on my A03! I hope you enjoy! There will be smut in this story, but it is a slow burn.

"You've got to be out of your fucking mind." You laughed, an ugly chortle bubbling from your throat as you stared at your roommate in disbelief. The roommate who was clearly out of his goddamn mind if he thought you would be onboard with this ludicrous and frankly, stupid, idea. 

He only rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his broad chest before cocking his head to the side to look at you. 

A smirk tugging on his lips. He had a nasty of habit of poking his tongue out, running it along his bottom lip, and looking you over. 

You hated it. 

Despised him and that dark, hungry look he got whenever he did it. 

"Why not?" The single syllable words fell from his mouth so effortlessly and it made you look at him with an expressionless and nearly unreadable look on your face. 

He was toying with you. 

"Why not?" You repeated his words. 

He said nothing, continuing to look at you with that same cocky expression on his face.

You continued to wait for his response. 

When you realized that it wasn't coming, you groaned, wiping your hands down your face in frustration because he was serious. He was actually dead serious. Bucky thought that his plan was genius—foolproof, even. Once again, he was getting ahead of himself and not thinking things through. 

There were consequences after all, though, he often found ways to avoid those.

"Because, Bucky." You began, his name was harsh and sharp on your tongue. "It's probably your worst idea yet." 

Bucky only had bad ideas. Like, notoriously bad. Ones that usually involved alcohol, getting naked, or both. 

He scoffed, feigning hurt but that didn't deter you from your belief that his idea was absolutely stupid. You’d been living with Bucky for nearly two years now and these surprise ideas were nothing new, but this one, this one took the cake for most extravagant. And last summer he had somehow managed to convince you to do cheap dollar shots with him before you ended up in Central Park in one of the fountains. 

Or at least that's what Bucky had said the next morning. You had consumed so much tequila that you couldn't remember much of anything after you had stepped foot in the dingy, half-dilapidated bar one of Bucky’s friends owned. 

"So let me get this straight." You said, looking at him with a raised brow. 

Bucky straightened his posture, readjusting himself against the counter he was leaning against. He was much taller than you, something you noticed the day you had first met. You were always in awe of how much bigger than you he was. 

A disturbed fascination, really. Considering that you and Bucky hated each other. Did whatever you could to make each others lives significantly worse. 

"You want me," he nodded his head. "To be your date to your best friend's wedding all because of some stupid bet you made nearly ten years ago?" It felt even more ridiculous now that you were saying it out loud. 

"Sorta." Bucky then said, scrunching his nose like he always did before delivering bad news. "Except I actually need you to be my girlfriend, not just my date." 

Jesus Christ. This man had no shame. No bounds. Nothing. 

You scoffed for the umpteenth time during the conversation, shaking your head as you weaved past him and the kitchen counter to grab yourself a glass of water. Bucky was actually serious. He was dead-set in his plan to have you as his fake girlfriend and it caused an odd sensation to flutter in your stomach. 

Not quite excitement. Not quite dread. 

You took a look at him as you sipped on your water slowly. He had turned around, still in the same spot and you wanted nothing more for this conversation to be over. 

In any other circumstance, you would've jumped at the idea of being The Fake Girlfriend. A night away from their cramped apartment would've been welcomed, plus, there would be a free dinner and an open bar. 

However, this was different. It was different because it was Bucky Barnes asking you this. 

You had failed to address the huge and hideously inappropriate crush you had on your fucking roommate. Now it was too late; you were too-deep in the friend zone and extremely non-confrontational with both people and your feelings.

After all, this was the same roommate who had a line-up of girls just waiting for their chance with him so they could stick their claws in him and hope he let them stay for breakfast. 

Spoiler alert: he never did. 

Bucky had a nasty habit of kicking them out right as the sun came up, telling them he would call them but never would. Oftentimes he couldn't tell you their names, scratching the back of his neck as he blamed it on the many gin and tonics he had consumed the night before. 

Bucky Barnes was a certified bachelor, or as you liked to refer to him, a dumbass. 

While you were good at covering up her emotions, you knew you would also do just about anything to have just one night with him. To experience what made Bucky Barnes so irresistible that he couldn't even keep track of all of his options. 

Your little crush wasn't helped by the fact that the walls in the apartment were paper thin, effectively doing very little in the fantasy you had conjured up that Bucky actually sucked in bed. 

That wasn't the case and you unfortunately ruled that out very quickly. 

No, instead, you would lay in bed at night, pillows upon pillows over your head as you tried to block out the grunts and moans that left Bucky’s lips and the God-awful, but deliciously sweet things he would utter before you were once again swallowed by silence and left with a painful ache between your thighs you had no choice but to take care of yourself. 

"[Y/N]?" His voice snapped you out of her trance. "You still with me?" 

You shook your head, stuttering and tripping over your words. "Uh, yeah. Totally, sorry. What was the question?" 

It was moments like these that you couldn't help the way your body flustered.  You just hoped that the one lamp that was on in the living room wasn't nearly bright enough for him to pick up on how flustered you looked. 

Then he chuckled, softly, in a way that told her he wasn't mocking you. 

"I was waiting for your answer until you went to space on me again, Sweets." He smiled, a perfect set of teeth on display as you felt the familiar churn of your excitement that often happened when he did that. 

And he did that often. 

Your stomach flipped at the nickname. The same nickname he had given you the first day you met.

Hi, you must be Bucky. I'm [Y/N] Sweet, your new roommate. It's nice to meet you. 

Bucky had greeted you with sparkling dazzling blue eyes, a big smile, and a handshake. 

It's nice to meet you, Sweets. 

And that was all it took, despite you attempting to correct him. 

Oh, it's actually just Sweet. Singular. 

But Bucky just chuckled, leaning his tall frame against the door and shrugging his shoulders. 

Whatever you say, Sweets.

You still had Bucky’s words swimming in your mind, placing the glass somewhere on the counter because you weren’t quite confident that you could keep a steady grip on it. 

"Oh, I," you went silent soon after, mouth slightly ajar, but the words never came out. 

The next sentence just slipped, an accident, really. 

"Doesn't it just make sense to take one of the many women you go out with? I'm sure any of them will jump at the opportunity to go to a wedding with you." 

It was silent soon after, and not the good kind. 

The heavy kind where you could cut the tension with a knife. You regretted your words immediately, wincing on the inside at how insecure you must've sounded. You didn't think you were ready for any answer he gave you, you weren’t even sure you wanted to hear what he was going to say, certain that it would hurt your feelings no matter what. 

Bucky sighed, dropping his arms from his chest to his sides. The gleam of his prosthetic caught your eye like a taunt. 

"Because," You willed herself not to flinch at the way his voice rasped. "I really like you. Besides, who knows me better than my best friend?" 

Your heart grew a little, beating even faster as he took a step closer to you. He wasn't dressed in anything particular, just a white shirt and what you swore was his only pair of jeans and yet, he looked as good as ever. 

Smelled even better. 

Like bergamot and sandalwood, rich and deep and his scent became synonymous with home to Iris.

Then you swallowed thickly, you're just a friend.  

Bucky took another step closer and you had no choice but to crane your neck up so you could look at him. The blue in his eyes seemed to disappear at that moment, but you could easily point out where the specks of gold were. Even in the lowlight of their New York City apartment that was far too expensive for what it was. 

A box. Two rooms with a bathroom the size of a locker and something that only sort of resembled a kitchen. 

"I just don't understand why you need me to go to this wedding, I'm sure your best friend won't even remember this stupid little bet you both made when you were drunk off your asses in college." You said, watching the way Bucky’s eyes scanned your face and for a brief second, wandered just below your chin. 

"Oh, he'll remember. And then I'll lose the bet and my reputation, you know how important that is to me. Would you do that to me, huh? Would you let me ruin my reputation?" He rambled on melodramatically, playfully as your lips tugged into a small smile. 

"I'm sure the bet can't be that bad anyways." You assured him, watching the way he raised an eyebrow competitively, silently telling you oh, it's bad. 

"If I lose," your interest peaked, hanging onto every word as she waited in anticipation of what this horrible, no-good bet was. 

"I have to dress up as Elvis and perform a hit in front of the entire wedding party." Your brows knit together as you desperately tried to conceal your laugh with a cough. 

Bucky knew better though, saw right through you and his mischievous eyes met yours again. "Oh you're evil for laughing at my misery, you know that, Sweets?" 

God, why did he have to use the nickname that caused you to turn into complete mush? 

"I just don't understand, why Elvis?" You asked, one hand onto your hip as you propped yourself up on the opposite leg. 

Bucky looked at you with a wicked grin, placing two large palms on either side of you on the counter and leaning in so close you could smell the beer he had with dinner just a few hours ago. 

"Oh? Did I not tell you? The wedding's in Vegas." 

_

There was something sinister about Bucky, there had to be. Because it was nearing two in the afternoon and all you could do was focus on the way Bucky’s body heat radiated off of him and onto you, his scent invading all of your senses as he smirked when he told you the wedding was in none other than fucking Vegas. 

"[Y/N]?" A voice snapped you out of your thoughts, or space as Bucky liked to call it. You had a tendency to get lost in it, wandering up there for a little too long sometimes. 

"Ava." You replied as your co-worked-turned-best-friend walked through the threshold of your make-shift office before she was standing right before your desk. 

"You've been…" Ava searched for the right word. "Off...all day. Is everything okay?" She asked, knitting her eyebrows together as you closed your laptop and tangled your fingers in your hair. 

You had done everything you could to make yourself look presentable, but there just didn’t seem to be enough hours in the day. You just didn't have the time, not when you had been promoted to editor at Amber Publishing House. 

It wasn't a massive publishing house, not with all the competition New York had, but it was doing well for itself. Well enough to give you a promotion that your boss, Lucien, congratulated you with a bottle of champagne straight from France.

Which is why this job just barely paid you enough to live somewhat comfortably, but it also felt like a 24/7 job with the amount of copious "URGENT" emails you received as you were just leaving the office or just about to crawl into bed. 

It just never ended. And Ava understood that, felt it deep in her bones. 

"I'm okay." You lied right through your teeth. "Just tired." 

Ava scoffed, her heels clicking against the wooden floors as she walked up to your' desk. 

"Liar." 

You looked at her, determined to win this staring competition. 

"You can either tell me what's wrong or I'll get it out of you by dragging my ass in here to work with you for the rest of the day. And you know how much I love country music." 

You rolled her eyes, slumping against your old, worn-out chair your boss had graciously "gifted" you a few months after you had begun working there. 

"You're seriously the worst." You grumbled, watching Ava hop up onto her desk and smile victoriously. 

"I'm a Virgo, what can I say?" She laughed as you couldn’t help but crack a smile. "Now c'mon, what's up? Is it Josh from payroll? You know I'll kick his ass easily, I mean he lives off of Monster Energy, his bones have got to be as brittle as styrofoam by this point." 

You interrupted her with a laugh. "It's not Josh." You said, "it's Bucky." 

Ava had to take a second, racking her brain for a moment before her eyes went wide and she jumped off of the desk. 

"You slept with him!" 

"What?" 

"I knew it, oh I called it, ever since last year's Christmas party I just knew you were both banging each other oh my God what h—"

"Ava I did not sleep with him and would you please keep it down?" You begged with wide eyes as you managed to scrambled to your feet, going to shut the door. 

"There's no need to falsely project my non-existent sex life to the entire office." You whisper-yelled as Ava just clapped her hands together and laughed, falling into your old chair. 

"God, you need a new chair." 

You rolled your eyes. 

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'll admit I got a little bit carried away, but can you blame me? You live with the most eligible bachelor in New York City and you still haven't even tried to hook up with him? I mean you've got will power, I'll give you that." Ava's words made you nauseous with anxiety. 

Or perhaps it was the same feeling you always got whenever Bucky’s name was mentioned. A feeling that very closely resembled jealousy. Not because you really cared, but because you were in far too deep and he would never, not in a million years, feel the same way. 

You were stupidly friend-zoned. Nothing more than a roommate. 

"Ava," you quickly interrupted the red-head. "He asked me to be his fake girlfriend for to his best friend's wedding." You finished, squeezing your eyes shut and bracing for the screech of excitement that would surely come at any moment. 

Right about… 

"He what?" You opened your eyes slowly, watching a dead-serious, slightly concerned Ava looking at you like you had revealed you grew a tail overnight. 

"Last night." You sighed. 

"He asked me to be his fake girlfriend because of some stupid bet he made ten years ago. Something with an Elvis costume." You muttered the last part of the sentence as Ava absorbed all of the information.

"Hang on, let's just rewind. Elvis?" 

"Oh yeah, and it's in Vegas. In like, a month." 

It didn't take long to catch Ava up on everything, there was very little to say as the both of them sat silently. 

"And why didn't he ask, I don't know, one of the girls he's hooked up with? Isn't that like, the point of weddings?" Oh God. Your eyes went wide, like a deer in headlights at Ava's words. 

You had somehow glossed over the point that Bucky, a 30-year old bachelor, viewed weddings like his own personal dating game. What did he say? Oh yes, free booze and vulnerable women is the Barnes special.  

You shuddered at the memory because Bucky could have a) gone alone and had a whole weekend of promiscuity in Vegas or b) asked literally anyone else. 

He had a month to prep them, hell, he could make cue cards and quizzes. 

"He said that he needed someone that knows him. He needs his best friend." You groaned in pity for yourself. 

You were the most pathetic person on the planet. The universe. 

Rock, meet bottom. Stay a while, we have punch. 

Ava hummed, processing everything. 

"What are you going to do?" She asked, looking at you with a quizzical expression as you laughed dryly. 

"That's kind of what you're here for. I have no idea. This has the potential to be the best and worst decision I make." 

Ava nodded before jumping out of your ancient chair. "My place. After work. I have wine and frozen pizza." 

You didn't even argue. It was Friday night and the countless “URGENT” emails could wait until Monday. 

This was a personal crisis. A dramatic, trivial, but life-changing dilemma. 

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 35

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: just... i hope you like it! 😊

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : here it is! just want you both to know i added this chapter (and next one too) just so i could add your ideas! thank you so much!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 35 : His chapter

NIALL

March 31st, 2018

I thought I'd be hung over the next morning but although I had a small headache, it was not that bad. I turned around in bed and wrapped my arm around Liv, pulling her closer to me before she let out a short whimper. I knew my mom had prepared the guest room for her just in case we wouldn't be comfortable to sleep in the same bed since the break up but I didn't even have to ask Liv and we both ended up in the same room.

"'Morning my love." I mumbled in a whisper as she whimpered again. "Remember what you promised me? We had a deal."

I let my hand slip under my shirt that she was wearing and reached for her breasts. I let my palm and fingers rub on them, feeling her nipples get hard at my touch, and this time, she moaned low.

"Mm Niall, it's too early."

"You say that but your body says otherwise." I whispered near her ear, making her chuckle slowly and low.

"My nipples get hard when it's cold outside too." she pointed out tiredly. "That means nothing."

I laughed and pressed my body against hers, my hard cock pushing against her ass. "Well, I'm horny, and that's the proof."

"You're always hard when you wake up, so that doesn't mean anything either."

I laughed some more and slipped my hand in her panties as I rubbed myself slowly on her ass. She moaned again but spread her legs a bit, making my smile grow. She leaned her leg on mine to give me a better access and I watched her body twitch lightly every time I flicked my finger on her clit. It pressed against my cock every time too, making my eyes flutter as I brushed my lips on her neck.

"I know you're tired, I'll just do all the work, if you want."

She squirmed in bed and I took my hand out of her panties, looking at her. She ended on her back, her eyes half open and her lips curled in a fond but amused smile. She licked her lips before pressed them together and slid her head slightly to tilt it, messing up her hair even more. She looked beautiful and I tried not to blink to engrave that image in my head forever. I held my breath and my lips parted.

"Please don't move." I whispered, making her frown a bit. "Please, for me."

"Okay."

I could hear so much vulnerability in her voice and it made something stir in my stomach but I just reached on the other side of the bed to find my phone in my pants and turned my camera on. When I put it in front of her, I suddenly saw fear in her eyes and her lips parted.

"Please, Olivia. Just one picture." I begged in a whisper. "I don't think you understand how beautiful you look."

Her eyes fluttered and she pressed her lips together, staying totally motionless.

"Okay."

I took a picture and my eyes moved from it to her and then back to the picture before my lips curled. I brought my hand to her stomach and moved it up to her breasts, making her chuckle. Without thinking, I snapped an other picture, and an other, and I ended up laying next to her to take a few selfies of both of us. In the last one I just pressed my lips against hers as she chuckled against my mouth and the way she laughed made something stir in my stomach. We were in Ireland, together in a bed at my mom's, and my life had never been so perfect. I put my phone next to us on the bed before moving on top of her, trying to keep my lips attached to hers.

"You can't make a sound." I whispered, bringing my mouth on her neck before leaving a few kisses. "And you can't touch me. If you don't follow these rules, there will be consequences."

"Mm yea? I sort of want to see."

"You literally just broke a rule." I said in a low tone before biting the skin of her neck. "That was your last warning."

She squirmed slightly and I slipped my hand in her panties again, turning my body slightly and feeling my cock press on her thigh. She moaned a bit as I slipped two fingers deep inside her. I was excited and I felt impatient, and when I felt her pussy throb around my fingers, I groaned and took my hand away to pull down my pants as fast as I could.

"Mm." she moaned out when I ground my hips against her.

"I'm really gonna have to do something about this."

I pushed my cock inside her slowly enough to make her feel every single inch and she squirmed a bit, reaching for one of my upper arms with her hand. I shook my head and grabbed her hand quickly, moving it over her head as my lips curled on the left.

"No touching." I repeated. "I really want to use you."

With one last hip movement, I pushed myself balls deep inside her and let out a low 'Jesus Christ' despite myself. She wiggled a bit as I held her wrist again and trapped me between her thighs.

"You have no fucking idea how good you feel." I whispered, pushing myself more against her. "Your pretty little cunt makes me cum so hard."

Her eyes fluttered again but I noticed how hard she tried to keep them open to keep looking at me. I started fucking her hard into the mattress, not really able to stop myself, but when she started moaning, I let go of her wrist to press my hand on her mouth. She grabbed the sheets of the bed with both hands hard and I smiled as I looked at her, still thrusting in and out of her fast and deep. It took me a few minutes to slow down, my lips curling more. I kept going balls deep inside her but my movements were slow and I heard her whimper..

"You think you can keep quiet now?"

She stared at me and i could see the uncertainty on her face but slowly, I moved my hand away from her mouth, sliding it to her neck and wrapping my fingers around her throat slowly. She bit her bottom lip so hard that her skin turned white and I started going fasted in and out of her. The more my fingers pressed against her throat, the more my smile grew and the more her eyes fluttered.

"You're gonna make me cum." I whispered just as an orgasm hit me, making my movements unsteady. She moved in motion against me to help me ride my orgasm and I panted as I got down from my high. "Fuck, I love you."

She squirmed to feel me deeper but I just chuckled and smirked at her again.

"Put that damn pillow over your face, I don't want my mom to hear." I told her, raising my eyebrows. She sent me a frown and I chuckled again. "Just do it."

Reluctantly, she grabbed a pillow and I waited until it was on her face to move down and bring my mouth to her clit. I didn't waste any time and I knew she was close. I just wrapped my lips on her clit and sucked on it. Immediately, her back arched and I heard a muffled moan. I could taste myself a bit on her pussy and the mix of us made ma a bit dizzy. Her hands grabbed the sheets harder and It only took a minute or two before she started shaking. I felt her cum on my bottom lip and chin and somehow, it turned me on again.

She became limp on the bed again and I smiled, moving up to her and chuckling when I saw she still had the pillow on her face. I grabbed it and put it near my head before leaning against it, just looking at her, eyes half closed but both of us with a big smile.

"Mm, I love you too, Niall." she let out, her eyes closing as she tried hard not to fall asleep.

"You know what? You sleep some more, I'll take a shower, make some coffee and prepare our luggage."

She smiled and nodded, muttering a low "Thank you" before she allowed herself to close her eyes. I watched her for a few minutes as she fell asleep, lips parted and eyelids quickly fluttering again, and I couldn't help but swallow my emotions hard. She said we would be together when we were watching the stars and I believed her. I was not sure when I became this needy and a bit crazy man but I didn't care one bit. I told her I'd wait but I couldn't help but be impatient to be with her, but mostly scared that I was waiting for no reason. Now that she told me it would happen, I didn't feel stressed anymore, just extremely eager.

I got up slowly, making sure I wouldn't wake her up, and searched in my bag for my notebook and I scribbled a few words to add to the song before realizing that I was very close to be done with the lyrics. I smiled when I started writing the bridge and re-read it a few times, satisfied.

"I want you There's no line I'll love you Or die trying I want you There's no line I'll love you Or die trying"

I heard her snore and chuckled, shaking my head before putting my notebook back into my bag and grabbing clean clothes. I took a quick shower and dressed up before rushing downstairs to the kitchen. My mom was there and I walked up to her, kissing her cheek gently before grabbing the coffee pot.

"Slept well?"

I glanced at her and shrugged a shoulder, tilting my head a bit. "Yea. I mean, I didn't sleep a lot, but it was a nice sleep." I explained with a nod. "It's not the best bed of the house, I'm sure, but it does the trick."

She laughed and I turned around, leaning against the counter as I waited for the coffee. We remained silent for a while but when my mom talked again, it made my heart jump in my chest.

"You're not gonna hurt her this time, pet, right?"

I held my breath and my lips parted. It took me a few seconds to react but I finally cleared my throat and frowned a bit, moving around to grab mugs and put them on the counter.

"We're not together, ma." I shrugged, trying to look casual. "Back to being best friends, like we used to be."

"I understand why you refuse to answer some questions in interviews. You're a terrible liar."

I tensed, glad that my back was facing her and that she couldn't see my reaction. I just stared at the hot and brown liquid filling the pot before closing my eyes and sighing. I turned around slowly and noticed my mom's satisfied smile. I shut my eyes tight again for a few second and groaned low before looking back at her. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was a horrible liar but at the same time, I hated lying.

"I still love her and she still loves me. She just has a hard time trusting me again and I can't blame her." I shrugged and looked down. "I guess I'm just trying to earn her trust again."

"You're lucky she gave you her heart back." my mom pointed out, searching in the fridge before taking the creamer out and handing it to me. I smiled sadly, staring down, and sighed.

"Very lucky." I pointed out before looking up at her. "I promise I won't mess this second chance."

Slowly, my mom sent me a fond smile and I felt better. "I know you won't."

                                                            ---

April 3rd, 2018

I had filmed a few commercials and stuff like that and also had a small part in a tv show but this was very different. There were more people around, more actors and just a bit more action in general. Still, I was not unfamiliar with all of this so I didn't feel too out of place.

Olivia had warned me that she had a slightly saucy scene with Dylan today and that maybe I should have chosen an other filming day but if I wanted to be honest, it made me want to be there even more. I walked around, my hands in my pockets, waiting for her to be ready, and when she walked out of her dressing room, my lips curled, making her smile too.

She looked pretty, as she always did, and it made me realize that her character was probably based on her. I heard somewhere that your first book is a bit autobiographical, and I could only guess it was similar if it was a script. She walked to me and raised her eyebrows before brushing her palms on her pants a few times.

"Nervous?" I asked with a big smile, raising my eyebrows.

"Yea, it's the first time I play that kind of scene and I have no idea what I'm doing." she admitted, chuckling nervously.

"You're good at that, don't worry.” I tried to reassure her.

"I may be good at doing it, but playing it is a different story."

I chuckled and grabbed her close but she remained a bit far, raising her nose in a grimace "Watch the make-up."

It made me laugh again and I followed her but stayed a bit farther as the director explained to her and Dylan where to be and how to play. I couldn't stop my eyes from moving from her to him and he probably noticed because he started glancing at me, too.

They started the scene and it surprised me how easy she got into her character and how nothing else seemed to matter. It took me a few seconds to focus on the script but when I did, my lips parted in surprise.

"When you engraved our names on that tree..." Olivia shook her head and shrugged a shoulder as her eyes watered. I felt something stir inside me and took a few steps closer. "I fell even more in love with you. Then you kissed me and my entire life changed. This is not a mistake. Tell me it's not a mistake."

I was not wrong when I thought her writing could be influenced by her and her life because a flashback invaded my mind and I swallowed hard.

"Are you sure, Niall?" Liv asked with her frown.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes. She was way more daring normally and I moved my upper body her way before grabbing her wrist and pulling her closer.

"Yes!" I let out firmly. "So I'm gonna carve your name, and you carve mine." She looked unsure and I smiled more. "Come on. There's literally five letters. You can do it."

I ended her a knife and as I tried to write the first letter of her name, I realized how tough it was to carve the letter 'O'. I cursed under my breath and heard her chuckle beneath me. I glanced down and noticed she was done with the first two letters of my name. I tried to go faster and when we took a few steps back to look at our work, I saw her smile from the corner of my eyes.

"Adding a 'plus' sign would make it look like we're a couple." she pointed out. "But leaving it like that seems a bit drab, don't ya think?"

I frowned, staring at our names on the tree before moving closer to carve right under her name and over mine, letting out a few curse words again. It was not easy to draw curves. When I moved back again, I heard her chuckle.

"Perfect." she replied, staring at the 'infinity' symbol I had drawn. "Friends forever. Cheesy but true."

We remained silent for a few minutes and without thinking, my hand searched for hers and as soon as I found her fingers, I squeezed them hard.

I knew I was only 13 when we did that but I remembered it clearly and somehow, I was mad at myself for not visiting that spot when we were visiting our town a few days earlier. Why did that memory only come back now? I felt myself tear up and blinked a few times, trying to focus on the scene they were filming again.

I felt something twist in my chest when I noticed she was laying down on the floor and he was laying on his side, next to her. His hand moved on her stomach and I held my breath as I remembered that the first time we had sex was also on the floor. I didn't know if she had thought about it before writing it or if it was just a coincidence but I started wondering if Dylan's character could be based on me, even just slightly.

His hand reached for her breasts and I swallowed hard when he started kissing her gently. I knew it was just acting but it still was not a pleasant sight and I shut my eyes tight until I heard the loud 'CUT'.

I looked at Olivia and Dylan talk for a few seconds before she walked back to me, tilting her head and sending me a smile.

"Are you okay?"

I quickly nodded and licked my lips. I decided not to talk about how jealous I was, and I also didn't want to mention the part about carving the names on the tree, or making love on the floor. I didn't know how to bring it up anyway so I decided to keep quiet.

"Told you, you're good at that!" I chuckled, making her roll her eyes as she pushed on my shoulder gently.

"Idiot." she simply said in french with a strong accent, making me smile more. "I need to get changed for the next scene, I'll be back quickly."

I watched her as she left and she turned around to look at me and send me a smile. I stared at where she disappeared for a few seconds until I felt a presence next to me and turned around. I didn't really want to have a discussion with Dylan but If I wanted to be honest, I knew there was a chance that we'd have to interact.

"Hey man, how are you?"

I cleared my throat and pushed both my hands in my pockets. "Good, and you?"

"Good." he paused. "Look, I know we're not friends and we'll never be but, I need to ask you something."

I frowned and turned to him. He had all my attention and at the same time, it made me very nervous. He sighed and moved his hand in his hair before he groaned, probably knowing he messed it up and was about to give someone a bit more job before he can go back on set.

"Look, I just want to know if Livi's seeing someone right now." he asked, surprising me so much that my lips parted and my eyebrows raised up. "I thought she left me to date you but you two don't appear to be together and, I don't know, I'm thinking maybe..." he shook his head and looked away before chuckling sadly. "This is ridiculous, look at me, being all over a girl who literally called off our wedding."

I didn't know what to answer and I was not sure I wanted to hear his rambling but somehow, I remained quiet for a while before he shook his head again.

"I don't even know why I'm asking." he added, looking at me. "I just want to know."

I had to lie again and I hated it, but Olivia said she was not ready to be official, so technically, it was not a complete lie, but it was still not the truth.

"She's not dating anyone." I let out, feeling my heart sink in my chest. "But I think you should move on, mate."

He looked away and sighed again. "I know. Thanks."

He turned around and left, leaving me standing all alone and in complete shock. I didn't know how much longer I waited but when Olivia appeared again, I forced a smile on my face as she walked up to me.

"Not too bored?" she asked, grimacing a bit before pouting. "It's a bit boring, I know. You can go back home if you want, I'll call you when I'm done."

Not only did I want to stay but I also was not too keen with Dylan driving her back home, especially not after the short discussion we just had had. I rolled my eyes with a smile.

"It's not boring." I said with a chuckle. "I'm staying, don't worry about me!"

The way she looked at me made me smile even more and she licked her lips before rubbing them together a few times. It made me want to kiss her so bad it was almost unbearable.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked low.

"Kissing you." I whispered. "You?"

"I'm thinking about that nice counter in my dressing room and how bad I want you to fuck me while I sit on it."

I let out a nervous laugh and glanced behind me. "How long do you have?"

She sighed and grimaced again but it was so adorable and endearing that I almost didn't hear her answer. "30 seconds, maybe? I barely have time to pee sometimes. But hey, can I sleep at your place tonight?"

I rolled my eyes again with a smile. "Why do you ask? I expect you to sleep at my place every single day."

She laughed and took a step closer, placing her hand on my chest. "I can't wait to be alone with you."

They stopped filming around midnight and I knew she was tired. I drove in silence as she leaned her head on the seat, her eyes half closed already. I knew she'd be exhausted and I didn't really expect her to want sex after a day like this, even if she had mentioned it. I kept glancing at her and when I finally parked in front of my house, I turned to look at her. Her eyes opened after a few seconds and her lips curled slowly to send me a small smile.

"I wrote so many songs about you." I just let out without thinking.

She blinked a few times and tilted her head a bit. "I know."

"No I mean, new songs." I explained better. "When we were not together, I missed you so fucking much, I hallucinated you everywhere. After a while, I realized that you were just always with me. Not physically, of course, but in my heart, as cheesy as it seems. And that day you came home with Dylan, I wrote a song for you."

Her eyebrows raised and her lips parted a bit. "Oh. The day I leaned against your door and literally got caught eavesdropping!" she let out as I laughed and nodded. "I remember a few words, uhm, 'it's hard to breathe when you're in the air'... That day, I thought it was for Heidi."

"Heidi doesn't have a song. Not one. That song is yours, like many others."

She smiled and reached out for my hand. "You can sing it for me? I want to hear all of them."

"Okay, I can do that tomorrow."

I wanted to sing that one for her but I wanted to wait for some of the others, simply because I didn't want to rush her, or guilt trip her. I didn't want to make her feel bad for things out of her control either. We were in a good spot at the moment and I wanted it to last. I didn't know when we'd be officially together again but there was no way I was going to ruin it. I had promised my mom, I had promised myself, and most of all, I had promised Olivia.

"You'll be all over my second album, too. In every note, in every word, in every damn feeling. Just like the first."

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update: the sweet subtleness of time

...or some other shittastic ~~pensive~~ title because I'm so fucking out of goddamn fucks already it's the 14th half of january is gone jesus christ stop fucking moving so fast i would like off this ride thanks

I like the organization of "new year resolutions" not really because I believe you need to wait for a calendar year to make serious changes, but because there's something very neat about the way things can slot into having to write a new date on all your sign-offs and checks do people still use checks? i only have to sign them at work and lists and notes; to the excel spreadsheet that is my mind1, I like the way aligning change with change sorts itself.

This year I am returning to quantifiable goals in some ways, since the general vagueness of "do X more" may be more friendly but does not truly work in the lifestyle I have at the moment. I wanted to do a deep introspective post as a lead in but fuck that, I already have two truly severe horror stories about 20172 and it's the 14th, but I feel like I want to make a statement about the year before I devolve back into bitchcraft and wizardry.

As another change this year, I am looking for friends to help keep me accountable to these things. I've already roped and wrangled a couple people along with me, but if you have similar goals, let's discuss ways we can shame uh motivate SHAME each other into proceeding, or mainly just me, I require someone to - not compete with, but to keep up with, in a way, anyway, I am terrible so do stop.

So here is a list of my intentions for what I have labeled 12/52/365/20173:

Health. Rather than breaking this down into a tale of my woes and triggering an actual breakdown I will instead list the targets:

Get more than 4.5 hours of (good, deep, REM) sleep on average. According to my Fitbit, my average in 2016 was below 4.5 hours4. This involves a lot of things, including going to bed earlier and somehow figuring out how robots relax.

Working out. My goal for working out is to visit the gym - or otherwise work out - on at least 1/3 of the days of 2017: 122/365/2017. 122 visits. This is 2-3 workouts a week on average which should be doable for someone with fibro, assuming I keep them reasonable.

General. Continue stocking and making healthy food at home. Drink less at home5. Go back to packing lunches for work.

Weight/Size. Due to medication changes, 3 surgeries, and a major job change with severely increased my responsibilities, I gained 25-30 lb in 2017, putting me into the beginnings of an unhealthy place I don't want to be6. It's also fairly annoying to be at the upper limit of most of my clothing, to be frank. My goal is to use the above 3 points to try to lose 25+ pounds in 2017, OR return to the range of a size 8-107 where my clothing lives. 25/2017. A half a pound a week will do.

Writing. lassarina is my partner here; we have pledged to write a fic a week of at least 100 words using a list of prompts we gathered earlier. (Of course, I am already behind, although I plan to work on that immediately after this entry.) 52/2017. The hope, of course, is that writing small things helps to spur the writing of larger things. They will be posted on AO3 and linked from here.

subgoal: at least 1 entry a week on DW (52/2017), and 1 entry a week on my secret business blog which I will share once I have some substance (52/2017).

Art. justira is my partner here; we have, quite hilariously, pledged to draw a thing a day. For Ira, those things may be recognizable as art; for me, I reserve the right to draw a shit doodle with my finger on my iPhone, as long as it is a drawing of some sort. They'll be posted right here at the Feymarch Library where most of my art shame lives.

Home. Of course I have big statements to make about the first floor remodel I want to do, but honestly this is about habits, so my 2017 goal is to declutter my life. Every day I will do at least 1 chore dedicated to decluttering my home8 or otherwise making my life easier (cooking a big meal for the week, etc).

Mental. A few mantras I am focusing on:

Allow hobbies to be chores. This sounds counter-intuitive, but last year I got away from a lot of hobbies I love because I had "so much other shit to do" that was more important in my mind. This year, writing, art, knitting, gaming, reading; these are allowed to be chores I can give priority to. It's okay to write if I still have dishes to do.

Recharge your battery. If I have a night where I am truly in too much pain to do anything, I need to stop whining and griping about that, and instead focus on my own comfort and recovery, because self-care is allowed to be a priority, also.

Ground myself. I'm not a nice person by default9 so making a pledge to share the love or be kinder doesn't really mean anything to me; but I believe I can eliminate some of the negative energy by grounding myself more and letting it just pass on into the neutral environment rather than building up a static charge.

Be more of who you are. I lost my way at work somewhat this year faced with a gigantic new challenge with no lessening of my previous responsibilities, interpersonal conflicts, and some sporadic and questionable criticism. Moving forward I need to remember who the fuck I am and be that lady as hard as possible, because that's where I am awesomest.

Allow myself to unplug. I don't have to be tied to my phone - not just for work, but texting with friends or playing stamina games. I can leave it in the corner and just be for an evening.

Work. I need to focus on managing more: I am a manager, not a contributor, and I need to focus more on leading and guiding people in big-picture ways towards improvement. Too many people list me as a project leader or member, when I should not be a worker on anyone's project - and this is what makes my job so unmanageable. It isn't just me letting go; I need to make it clear to others that there should be more than one person who knows how to do the things I do.

Family & Friends.

See my nieces at least once a month. See my parents at least once a quarter.

Continue to work with my partner on this great relationship we have developed. Learn to ask him for help more, and learn where his boundaries are for asking help. Show love and appreciation better. Develop a good schedule for spending more time together - we are both very obviously happier and healthier when we do.

Try to visit someone or travel at least once a quarter -- traveling is really costly to me in terms of energy, but I have broken through some of my traveling-and-health fears last year (Japan!) so it would be cool to travel a bit with friends when the opportunity is there.

Stay in touch: post, email, text. Reach out in new areas.

Seven is my lucky number. That's 2017.

1 (mind palace?? nothing so fancy; my brain is a four-dimensional fully-formulated spreadsheet archive with tabs, complete with charts, graphs, and little programs that sort by categories and make a smiley face out of pixels.)

2 the first, about my fucking furnace; the second, about my fucking supervisor. stay tuned for more great literature on what makes my life a goddamned shitshow shitcom!

3 because I want to quantify it and report on things, see, like the project manager i am

4 Now, the reason I am not dead is because there is also some restless sleep in there, but the problem is twofold: (a) i only get 4.5 fucking hours of the good sleep (b) the good sleep comes in 30-45 minute spurts which is nowhere near what's needed for mental recovery (c) for fibromyalgia one of the most productive and healing things you can do is get REM sleep.

5 lolololoLLOLOLOLLOOLLOOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLL

6 lots of family history of pre-diabetes; I've already noticed my hypoglycemia and blood sugar problems are getting worse. I realize this isn't always correlated to weight but as there is some data pointing that way (scientific as well as family), I want to be sure to avoid it, because dude if you stack fuckin diabetes on top of this stack of medical bullshit I may just ravine myself

7 since women's sizes can never make up their damn minds

8 on bad days this might actually be something like "put dishes in dishwasher" but let's face it sometimes even that doesn't happen

9 nothing against anyone, I'm just kind of sociopathic and hate people in general; i've learnt to "play nice" and I can and do feel love for specific people, but i'm really just not friendly

comments Comment? http://ift.tt/2ixhKTU

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 24

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.3k - 4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: idk what to say tbh, not even sure ppl read these notes lol. well, i hope it was an okay chapter?

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : one but i sort of changed it a bit!

Chapter 24 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

We fell asleep together in his bed but I woke up in the middle of the night and stared at him for god knows how long. I didn't want to tell him what I did for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't want him to feel guilty. It was not his fault, he had every right to break up with me if he was not feeling the relationship anymore, and i'm the one who had swallowed those pills. Niall was not to blame and I knew it, but I was scared he'd feel bad if he found out. To imagine being weak like that in front of him was also not something I wanted. I was not really ready to let anyone see me that weak, but I was glad Louis had found me on that night. I was glad I was still there, because it made me realize I had a problem and I was lucky enough to have someone to help me with it.

I brought my hand to Niall's cheek and ran my fingertips on it gently, making him groan low. God I loved him. Just looking at him made me want to throw everything away and give myself to him, but I knew it was a pattern I couldn't fall back into and I had to be careful. Of course I had changed, and I had matured, and learned to love myself the way I was. I had worked on myself to trust me, and trust that I was worthy of love, even Niall's, and that my body didn't define me... but all of this didn't mean that I  didn't question myself sometimes. It didn't mean that I couldn't doubt myself, or that it was easy to resist throwing myself into Niall's arms. I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. Did I ever love anyone else in my life?

It took me a while to fall back asleep but when I finally woke up for the second time, I kept my eyes closed and whimpered, reaching out to touch him until I realized he was not in bed with my anymore. I grimaced, my eyes still closed, and forced myself to sit up. It smelled like coffee and I smiled, stretching and opening my eyes before putting sweatpants and his t-shirt on, going to the bathroom and then walking to the kitchen. Niall was there, facing the counter as he was pouring coffee in two mugs and he glanced at me, sending me a smile.

"'Morning, how did you sleep?"

The sound of his voice made my lips curl and I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist from behind and leaning my cheek on his back.

"You weren't there when I woke up." I replied with a pout that he couldn't see.

He laughed. "I'm right here!"

I hugged him tighter and when I loosened my embrace, he pushed the air out of his lungs and laughed again, turning to me and leaning his ass against the counter. My hands reached for the front of his shirt and I got on my tiptoe to reach for his lips. He tasted like coffee and I smiled against his mouth.

"You're on your second cup?" I asked, making him smile more.

"Yea you slept a lot." he pointed out before pressing his lips against mine again. "You seemed tired, I didn't want to wake you up."

I looked into his eyes and a fond smile appeared on my lips. I couldn't tell him I was tired because I spent over an hour staring at him in the middle of the night, could I?

"About last night, I want to thank you for sharing that with me." he said, glancing down before looking right in my eyes. "Thank you for trusting me. I'm so sorry I made you feel like that. I'm so sorry. I knew I had hurt you, but I never thought you were so... sad after I left. I never thought me dating someone else would hurt you that much."

"It wasn't you fault." I replied after breathing it. "It was me. It was my pain, my insecurities. It was my problem and my decision to do that. A bad and wrong one, a decision I'll never make again, but it was no one's fault but mine. You could date whoever you wanted, Niall. You didn't owe me anything."

"I'm still sorry. I'll always take part of the blame for that. But you promised you would never do that anymore, remember?" he added, raising his eyebrows. I just nodded with a soft smile and he smiled back. "Good, just a reminder."

We just looked at each other with loving smiles for a while and I felt something in my stomach. I was not sure if it was love, lust or affection... or maybe all of those feelings at the same time. All I knew was that they were all directed at him.

I felt the fingers of one of his hands run in my hair and smiled more, letting my hands run down his chest as I kept staring in his eyes. I always felt the need to be close to him and touch him and when one of my hands reached his dick, he groaned low and the grip in my hair tightened.

"Don't be a tease, petal." he whispered, making me bite my bottom lip hard.

"I'm always too horny to be a tease, you're the tease."

He chuckled and he pulled gently on his hand, making my head tilt back a bit more as my hand kept stroking his cock slowly over his sweatpants.

"I just think it's been way too long since I put your cock in my mouth, what do you think?" I whispered, sending him an amused smile. "Let me get on my knees for you."

His smile faltered and his eyes roamed on my face for a few seconds before he let go of my hair, his arm falling on his side. Quickly, I took my shirt off and his eyes fell on my breasts, making me hold my breath. It was not my best feature but the way he stared at them avidly made my heart jump in my chest. I let my shirt fall on the floor and got down on it, trying to save the pain on my knees that the cold hard floor could give me. I kept my gaze locked with his again for a few seconds and then looked away, trying to focus on his cock. I pulled his pants and boxers down, feeling my pussy throb at the sight of how hard he was but something else caught my attention. Something was not like it used to be and it had nothing to do with his dick. I frowned but my lips parted and I had to blink a few times to understand what exactly was written.

"Oh my god." I whispered, bringing a finger to it and brushing the tip of it on his skin. "Did you get a fucking tattoo?"

I glanced up and he was looking down at me with a frown. I opened my eyes wide and he grimaced, letting out a low groan.

"Darling, please, can't you see how fucking hard I am?" he pointed out. "You were about to do something?"

"I'm sorry but I can't do anything before I get an explanation.." I admitted with a nervous chuckle. "That's literally my name there?"

"I was drunk, found an old letter you wrote me, decided to get your name tattooed just like you tattooed mine." he explained quickly with a shrug. "Now your mouth? Please?"

My smile grew and I licked my lips. "Why this spot?"

"It was the only spot I could think of that wouldn't be visible for anyone, or almost."

"You... you hate tattoos." I just replied, shaking my head.

"I do not hate tattoos, I just never wanted to get one. I didn't see the appeal. And I still don't." he admitted, staring down at me. "But it's your name, and it's you, and I love you. I don't regret it, and I think it's just.. fair."

I pressed my lips together and swallowed hard, tilting my head. "What a guy wouldn't say to get his cock sucked."

"I mean it, Olivia."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and my gaze moved back to the tattoo on his skin. It was not even swollen anymore but even if it was small, I couldn't pretend it didn't make me feel special.

"Seriously, Nee, I can't see my name written near your cock every single time I give you a blowjob!" I chuckled, half-joking.

"Well, get used to it!"

I laughed a bit louder before realizing he was still just as hard despite the whole discussion we just had and quickly, I brought my mouth closer, running my tongue on his length gently and reaching the base before moving it down to his balls. I heard him groan as I sucked on one and when I moved back to the tip of his cock, I looked up only to see his head had fallen back slightly. He was holding himself with both hands on the counter and I just wrapped my lips on his tip to suck on it. His fingers gripped the counter harder and I grabbed his dick in my hand, pushing his skin and running my tongue between it and his tip. One of his legs tensed and he let out a few curse words in a whisper.

"Don't stop petal." he murmured as I kept doing that for a minute or two before taking him completely in my mouth. "Fuck, I want to cum in your mouth so bad."

He pushed his hips in motion with my head movements and just hearing him groan was making me horny. I kept thinking about the last time we fucked in his kitchen and it made me moan low as I was still sucking him hard. I finally moved away to bring my lips back around one of his balls as I kept stroking his cock harder and when he whispered 'I'm gonna cum', I moved back and stuck my tongue out. He looked down at me and I stared back, making sure the tip of his cock was brushing on my tongue as I jerked him off. It only took a few seconds and when a grunt escaped his lips, my heart jumped in my chest. He came on my tongue and lips, some of his cum also ending on one of my cheeks, and it made me realize how much I had missed pleasuring him.

"Jesus Christ." he whispered, his eyes shut tight. I took him in my mouth again, sucking him gently and slowly as I saw his grip loosen on the counter and his eyes open again. His lips curled into a smirk and he licked his lips. "Oh you look so good like that."

He bent down slightly and gathered the cum on my cheek before bringing it to my lips. I sucked on his finger as he stared at me and when he moved his upper body up again, I got closer and my eyes fell on his tattoo again. Slowly, I brushed my thumb on it and without thinking, I pressed my lips on his skin before getting up. He sent me a fond smile and chuckled as he moved his pants up.

"Did you just kiss my tattoo?"

"I did." I whispered, pressing my lips together.

He bent down and kissed me gently, cupping my face and slipping his tongue in my mouth. It always made me smile how he didn't care that I had his cum in my mouth just a few seconds before, and that he would kiss me anyway without even a second of hesitation.

"I haven't had a blowjob like that in..." he stopped himself and raised his eyebrows before chuckling low. "In over a year."

"Was it worth the wait?" I asked with an amused smile as he grimaced.

"Yes, but please don't make me wait an other year for the next one, okay?"

I laughed and shook my head as he moved his hands around my waist.

"You can always ask." I pointed out with a shrug. "Or, you can grab me by the hair and force me down on your cock."

The way he looked at me with lust made my heart skip a beat and he turned us around so I was leaned against the counter. He didn't say anything, he just slipped his hand in my pants and reached between my legs. He took one and held it up on his hip as I felt his fingers slip inside me.

"That made you so wet, fuck i love that." he admitted low, making my eyes flutter. "I love how much it turns you on to please me."

He started finger fucking me quickly, curling his fingers inside me and I used all my strength to keep my eyes open We looked at each other as he rubbed two of his fingertips on my clit and I held my breath as my lips parted.

"You're gonna cum, yea? I can hear how wet you are." he whispered, bringing his lips closer and brushing them against mine. "Cum darling, cum for me."

I felt an orgasm reach me and my whole body tensed as he moved closer to me, pressing his body on mine, one of his hands still holding my leg and the fingers of the other rubbing my clit as I shook against him. He moved his face in my neck and dug his teeth in my skin, making me quiver even more against him. He kept flicking his fingers on my clit slowly and gently as I came down from my high and brought his lips on mine to kiss me again.

"Next time I'm gonna spend an hour between your legs." he whispered. "I promise."

I smiled and tilted my chin. "You better."

We kept hugging and kissing for a while and I thought about the two mugs waiting for us on the counter before groaning. He moved away and frowned as I raised my nose.

"Now coffee's cold and I have bad news for you."

He frowned too and I bent down to grab my shirt and put it back on. I turned to the coffee pot and decided make fresh coffee before emptying our mugs in the sink. When I turned around, Niall was leaning against the counter, his arms crossed over his chest and staring at me.

"I have to go back home and pack." I started, making his lips part. "I have a flight for Italy tonight and nothing's ready. I'll be gone for a few days."

"Italy?"

"Yea we're supposed to cast an Italian girl for season 3 and they asked me to go. We have an interview there too and... well, I'm also going to see Dylan."

His face changed and I held my breath, feeling my heart beating hard against my rib cage as I waited for him to say something, anything, that would tell me how he felt. I could read in his face that he was not pleased but I didn't know if it was anger and pain.

"You know what I realized when Heidi sent me that picture of you in a wedding dress?" he asked, making me frown. "I mean, not at first, I was too shocked by how stunning you looked but after an hour or so, it really hit me. It's not you? The big dress, the flowers, the music and thousands of guests with a big wedding cake and your vows in front of everyone?" he paused as I stared at him. "What happened to eloping to Vegas and getting married by Elvis?"

I licked my lips and sighed, tilting my head on the side.

"It was important for Dylan, to do the big thing in front of both our families, and I wanted to make him happy." I explained with a shrug. "I still don't like big weddings."

"So you're going to spend a few days with him?" he just asked after a while.

I didn't want to tell Niall that I was going there mostly to break up with him because I didn't want him to think I did it for him, and I didn't want him to expect anything after that. I was not ready to be with someone else, not even Niall, but it was something I needed to do. I was doing that for me, because I didn't feel ready, because it was not what I wanted anymore. Of course, Niall was part of the equation, but it made me realize that I was not only scared to jump that step, but also that I didn't want to. I loved Dylan, I really did, but things were different, and I was different too. I was a different person than the one I was when I started dating him. I was even a different person than the one I was when he asked me to marry him. I was not even sure why he even wanted to marry me anyway.

"Probably, but I'll mostly be busy with auditions, and he'll be busy with filming his new movie."

I wanted to add a 'don't worry' but I didn't dare. Niall took a few steps to move closer to me and I moved my chin up to hold his gaze.

"We'll text and call each other while I'll be gone?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"I'd love to." he confessed, bending down to kiss my lips. "I'm gonna miss you."

                                ---

The flight was horrible and it was probably the worst 13 hours I had to go through in a long time. I grabbed my luggage after waiting for way too long and just as I was about to leave, I got a notification. I almost decided to ignore it but I stopped near a wall, dropping my bags and checking my phone. I smiled when I saw Niall had sent me a video and when I saw him sitting behind his piano, my heart melted. I hit 'play' and bit my bottom lip, leaning against the wall as I turned the volume up.

"Liv, I know you've only been gone for a few hours but I already miss you. So I thought I'd send you this. I hope you remember."

I heard the first few piano notes and I knew what it was. My lips parted and I knew I was going to cry.

“Looking back through changes Where we started from Don’t know about you but I knew it wasn’t wrong You know I kept a place For you in my mind And I know you did the same 'Cause you’re just that kind.

So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We’ve known since we were young So why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I’m home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?”

I felt tears run down my cheeks as his voice and the melody brought me back to a bar over 2 years ago, when Niall had told me he loved me through this song. I brought my hand to my mouth and remained motionless as I listened to it.

“Moving on You and I started looking back Now we’ve got to make up For all the wasted time You know I’d never let you just walk on by From the day that I met you I knew you’d be mine, yeah.

So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We’ve known since we were young Why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I’m home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?”

When the bridge started, I let out a short sob but quickly bit my bottom lip. I couldn't start crying here, in public, right? I couldn't just break into tears here because of one song.

“Just started, it’s just started I’m having trouble believing it’s true Just started, just started Now we got nothing to prove."

The chorus played again but it's only when he stopped and turned to the camera on his phone again that my heart completely melted. I let myself slide on the wall until my butt hit the floor.

"I really just wanted you to remember that. To remember that this is the first song I wrote about how much I love you, but it's not the only one, and I won't ever stop writing songs about my love for you."

He paused and looked down before looking up again.

"I love you. Come back to me."

He moved closer to his phone to stop recording but I just stayed there, looking at the static thumbnail of his video, my vision blurry and my heart swollen. I loved him so much I just wanted to turn around and take an other plane to him.

"Are you okay?"

Quickly, I looked up at the voice and blinked a few times only to nod at the security guard that was frowning at me. I must have looked totally desperate because I was pretty sure it was not the first time he saw someone cry at the airport.

"Do you need me to call you a cab or something?"

I sniffed and wiped my tears before quickly getting up. I knew I looked like a mess. That reflected very well how I felt.

"Uhm, no, thank you. There's supposed to be a car waiting for me."

It took me half an hour to reach my hotel and I unpacked a few things. I had brought the stupid pink bear Niall had won for me and put it on the large bed along with one of my pillows before taking my phone to text Dylan. I could feel my heart thump so hard in my chest I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.

"I'm here, we really need to talk."

---

"You can't be serious."

I blinked a few times, staring at Dylan, as he reached for my hands on my lap and I let him take them and squeeze my fingers. I had decided to go see him at his apartment and I couldn't pretend the sight as I was on the road didn't shock me. The sight from his apartment was even prettier and I took a mental note to visit this country again. Perhaps, with Niall?

"I'm.. so sorry." I replied with a frown, looking down at his hands holding mine.

I suddenly felt insecure about my decision. After all, Dylan and I were happy, right? We had been happy since day one. He was a sweetheart, a gentleman and he was funny, and sensitive. He was laid-back, soft, and he was always there for me. He was the first and only person to break my walls after Niall broke my heart and also, and I hated to say it, he has been extremely important in my therapy process. How could I leave someone who literally put me back together and be in love with someone who completely tore me apart?

"Okay, you don't want to get married anymore, I understand." he pointed out, shaking his head slightly. "It was too soon, maybe, I get it. But we don't have to break up.."

I pressed my lips together and looked up at him, trying not to cry.

"We do, we have to." I let out low so my voice wouldn't break. "I'm not into this fully anymore and I don't think you are either."

"I'm just... busy here. I promise I love you just as much as I did, even more. And I miss you all the time, Olivia." he added, moving closer as I finally let tears fall on my cheeks. "Please don't cry babylove."

I closed my eyes at the nickname he always gave me and swallowed to keep the sobs in without much success. I never thought it would be so tough to actually break-up with him but it was. We had history together, and this relationship with him had been more important than any romantic relationship I ever had before, except the one with Niall's.

"I'm gonna ask for a few days off." he continued. "We can spend time here together and just... love each other again. I'm gonna do anything I can to remind you how happy we are together, I swear."

I looked up in his eyes and took my hands to bring them to his face. I shook my head and breathed in before licking my lips.

"You deserve so much better, Dyl." I admitted low even if saying those words hurt like hell. "You deserve so much better than a girl who can't be 100% with you."

His eyes roamed quickly on me and I saw him tear up.

"It's because of him, isn’t it? You're breaking up with me to be with Niall."

"No!" I closed my eyes, trying to keep my voice down. "That's not why I'm breaking up with you, Dylan I just... I can't do this anymore. I don't have a good reason for this. And I know that no matter what happens, I will be the bad guy in your story, and I think it's true. Maybe I'm the mistake you'll always regret, and maybe I'm the toxic girl you'll have fallen for. I'm so sorry to have that role in your life. That's not the part I expected to play, I promise."

"This is not a movie, Olivia." he let out a bit louder. "These are my feelings, they're real! This is my life, our life. Please, don't ruin this."

I felt my heart jump so high in my chest I was going to puke. Didn't I ask Niall the exact same thing when he broke up with me over a year ago? I brought my hands to wipe my own tears and sniffed before swallowing hard. I had to leave. I had to stop this torture, for both of us. I finally got up and he didn't stop me.

"I love you, you know." he just added as I was grabbing my purse. "Don't you love me anymore?"

"I do." I just said, turning to look at him. "That's not the problem, Dyl. And It's no one's fault."

I waited in front of the door and sight.

"Don't worry, I'll find the best Italian girl for the show. You concentrate on your movie, okay?"

"I don't give a fuck about this show anymore. Or that movie, for that matter."

I felt something twist in my chest and breathed in before sighing.

"Yea, me either."