#had the worst panic attack of my life a single time i went into a starbucks

[neuromantis]

how it feels to have a trauma reaction to one of the most beloved common smells:

[danielsarmand]

The jayce hate is pissing me off so much like I'm saying this as someone who didn't care for him that much in s1 and had no opinion on jayvik so you know he is FAR from being my fav character BUT WHAT HE DID WAS COMMON SENSE?? DID NO ONE THINK THAT WHAT VIKTOR WAS DOING WAS KINDA FUCKED UP?? And like obviously jayce saw some insane shit while he was gone, this was his way to try to fix things. Someone even called him killing viktor bad writing?? Ffs at least wait for the show to end but even without the ending i think what he did was logical of course i am sad that killing viktor killed vander but like...... what viktor was doing wasn't normal it was getting out of hand and jayce saw the consequences or whatever JAYCE GET BEHIND ME I'LL PROTECT YOU

you get it!!! personally i have always been a jayce enjoyer, but that's really not why i'm defending him so strongly now. i am perfectly capable of enjoying a character who has never done anything right in their entire life and do so without excusing or trying to explain their actions, but it's so obviously not jayce's case that i really struggle to understand where all this hate is coming from.

we are missing a HUGE chunk of plot. we have no idea where jayce, heimerdinger and ekko ended up and how much time has passed for them, but i have to assume based on how jayce looks that it's been a LONG haul for them. they may have experienced a variety of different realities, they might have faced the worst outcomes possible, we literally have no way of knowing what they went through. jayce looks like he's been through hell and back, viktor says he's been touched by the arcane, there's a gem in his wrist, his eyes are a different colour, his head is quite visually splitting in two in every single scene he's in and he's apparently speaking nonsense to no one in particular (i'm sure it'll turn out the voiceover was him talking to ekko and heimerdinger, or even to viktor himself).

all of this and i haven't even mentioned the fact that viktor, the real viktor, the viktor who wasn't too far gone, WANTED the hexcore destroyed. he BEGGED jayce to destroy it. and this is not an excuse to start giving jayce shit because he didn't destroy it immediately—him trying to save his best friend in the midst of a full-blown panic attack and it coming back to bite him in the ass was an excruciatingly human gesture and i would've done the same for any of my loved ones. but he gets it now. he's seen firsthand what the hexcore truly is, what it has done to his favourite person in the universe and to the world (or at least to piltover/zaun) at large. of fucking course he'll do whatever he can to destroy it. jayce is not the villain here, regardless of how hard people try to make him out to be.

[carmyberzattosjournal]

Entry 13: Grand Canyons of Scars

GIF by @mithrandirl

Bearblr Promptober Day 13: Hot Cocoa + Baking

Summary: In which Carmen has the worst panic attack of his life.

Warnings: Panic attack, swearing, trouble breathing, vomiting, pain, Carmy feels like he's dying, The Devil (Chef David) makes an appearance, written with fem reader who is a trauma surgeon in mind, she/her pronouns.

Notes: All journal entries will be titled as such and tagged with #cb journal.

This is a two-parter. Second part here.

Reblogs and comments appreciated. Thank you to @carmenberzattosgf for putting together this prompt list.

13 Oct 2024

I’m glad I had the panic attack in the park before the one I had at home. Because if I had the one at home first, I’m fairly certain Darling wouldn’t’ve looked at me the same again.

The Devil was a food critic now. Should’ve been a downgrade from being one of the best chefs in the world, but jokes on all of us miserable fucks, he was making a fuckton of money without having to step foot in another sweltering, loud, stressful kitchen again. Not that he felt stress. He didn’t feel anything.

He wasn’t a fucking human.

You know how if there is a God, he’s out for my blood, right? Well, I have proof of that now. Exhibit A: I find out this information while chopping chocolate for hot cocoa at my apartment—aside: fuck landlords, it took him a month to fix my range, and the radiator in the bedroom still won’t fucking work—and what comes on during the ad break of the baking show I have running in the background so the place isn’t painfully quiet while I’m waiting on Darling to come up from the parking lot after a long shift?

Aside 2: She was at the hospital for 19 fucking hours, you piece of shit. You fucking deadbeat. That’s the day you did this to her.

“Part of the reason we’re seeing so many restaurants close down, especially after the COVID-19 pandemic, is because of the social culture around dining out changing,” Chef David said.

If I had any control of my body, I would’ve kept my eyes off the T.V., ran over to the remote, and changed the channel or turned it off. That’s it. It sounds so fucking simple when I write this down, but that’s not how it went. It’s not how it’s ever going to go because The Devil left gouges, chasms in my psyche, Grand Canyons of scars that I put shitty fucking rope bridges over and that I could never—and I can never, I know this—fill in. No, I froze. I froze like The Devil’s breath was fanning out over the back of my neck, and the plates were moving too slowly, and I repeated ingredients again, and I should’ve been dead I should’ve been dead I should’ve—

One of the weirdest consequences of working for The Devil was that I could remember every single word he said to me. It was paramount that I did. He spat venom at me if I missed anything he said the first time. Every little thing—down to his fucking hatred of fucking black pepper—I memorized it. I knew that tilt of his head when he sensed an excuse, that eyebrow twitch when he expected a verbal answer, the furrow that formed and dissipated in the blink of an eye when he decided something had too much in it and needed to be stripped further. He walked differently when he was going to berate me. His cadence was different when I fucked up versus when I insulted humanity for existing.

So, as I stood, a marble carving in the kitchen, knife hovering over a chunk of Valrhona 55% dark chocolate already half-shredded into flakes, all I could do was watch the white reflection coming off the blade tremble more and more, all I could do was absorb every. Single. Word. The Devil said, as the voice in my head screamed at my body to move. To do something. To make the voice stop. As I tried to fight through the noise to tell myself it wasn’t real and that it was a dream, and I couldn’t be back in New York, Darling wasn’t in New York, and I couldn’t’ve imagined her this vividly.

“… with the rise… like Uber Eats and Doordash, people are just not finding it necessary to go out to dining halls and enjoy meals. They can get a lot of the food they tend to want to eat at home on their own time without having to brace the discomforts of social expectations. This has, obviously, caused problems in the mid-to-fine dining world, where that social expectation of a dining experience is primarily what drives people in the door rather than the food itself being of some specific quality.”

Like a bolt of lightning, a searing pain erupted in my chest. The knife clattered and slid off the cutting board, off the counter, and rang as it bounced off the tile floor. I grabbed at my chest, at the thing causing the pain, as if to remove it, as if I’d find a knife there butchering me as I stood, but all I grasped was the front of my apron.

“So do you think this will change how restaurants are being run?”

“Absolutely,” The Devil said. “I think in order to survive this change in society, restaurants need to adapt to the social changes we’re seeing.”

The pain worsened and deepened and sunk into the pit of my stomach. And I tore my apron off and clawed at my shirt, trying to chase down the hands under it, under my skin, under my ribs, the ones twisting my insides around their fists.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Noma has announced that it will be closing its dining hall after the service season in 2024 and opening an option more catered to people who want to be able to take the food to-go. There needs to be a shift in the industry that corresponds to the shift in the culture.”

My knees buckled, pain exploded elsewhere—I couldn’t even tell where, it all hurt. Everything hurt. World dimmed. Noise of some kind? Was that a voice? Was that The Devil’s voice?

“Carmy? Carmy!”

I couldn’t breathe. A roaring sound. Lights in my view.

Dark again. Cold. Cold on my face. Something jostled me.

“CARMEN, BREATHE!”

I can’t, sweetheart.

The Devil finally killed me.

Tell Sugar I’m sorry.

Tell ma I love her.

Piercing cold on my chest. Light. Dark. Light. Bile. I coughed and spluttered, gasped in air.

“There you go. Cough. Keep coughing.”

Pressure on my back. Light. It kept moving.

“Breathe... Breathe.” Darling sniffled, drew in a shaking breath. “In and out, slowly, all the way... You’re okay... It’s gonna be okay.”

Kitchen floor, on my side, knife and pool of vomit in view. And the stench of bile and random noise from the T.V. and freezing cold on my chest. A hand rubbing up and down my spine. Darling sniffled again. Took a deep breath.

“Sweetheart, can you hear me?”

I could. Fuck if I could respond, though.

“Carmy, baby, are you here?” something touched my hand. “Can you squeeze if you can hear me? I’m gonna have to call for an ambulance if you’re not—”

I crushed her fingers in my grip. Fuck no. No hospitals.

“Okay.” The cold sensation on my chest left, and in its wake was numbness and, weirdly, burning. The kind that made my face hurt when walking to the restaurant in the winter.

I’d just had the most brutal panic attack of my life. And this poor fucking woman—she got back from 19 fucking hours at the hospital and had to clean up that mess and me and the cut on my arm from falling on the knife. I kept wanting to help—I knew it was my fucking mess—but I couldn’t tell which way was up or down or if I was awake or asleep or what day or year it was. And I hadn’t been properly sick in a long time, but I remembered what a high fever felt like—and this felt like the highest fever of my pathetic existence. I don’t know when the T.V. turned off, but at some point, I noticed how quiet it was.

How did I end up on the couch wrapped in a blanket?

She joined me there. In her pajamas, hair up. Brought two mugs and set them on the coffee table.

“Hi, baby,” she whispered. Pulled her sleeve over her hand and patted my cheek—since when do I cry? “Do you know where you are? What happened?”

It took me a thousand years to respond.

“Panic attack?” I didn’t mean for it to come out as a strangled whisper, but I could’ve swallowed glass, my throat hurt so bad.

Oh.

That roaring sound I heard was my own screaming.

She nodded. Her eyeliner was smudged into a haze around her eyes. “Yeah. Panic attack. But it’s over now. We’re gonna try to recover, but then we need to talk about this, okay?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. I can recall now what she said, but at the time, I couldn’t understand her. The words came to me jumbled.

“Is it okay if I hold you?”

I saw that she was holding an arm out for me. I scooted towards her and hid my face in the crook of her neck. Collapsed into her scent, her softness, her warmth. I crushed a fistful of her pajama top in my hand and squeezed her like she’d disappear if I let go. She peppered kisses all over my forehead and my hairline while she sipped her hot chocolate. Murmured little comforting things to me. She kept feeling the temperature of the second mug, and, after a while, brought it first to her lips to test the temperature, then to mine for me to taste. It had coffee notes, curtesy of the type of chocolate I used, and was rich and velvety without being overly sweet.

“That feel doable, sweetheart?”

Not exactly, but I’d troubled her so much by freaking the fuck out that I sat up and took the mug. Kept sipping it. Let it wash down the pain in my throat.

“’m sorry,” I mumbled.

“Panic attacks are not your fault, baby.”

“No, but I… I should’ve…” heat in my face. “I should’ve gotten help f-for them—”

She placed a hand on my leg. “Sweetheart, I want you to try to stay calm, okay? Just let yourself recover. I promise, we’ll talk about this and figure it out, but right this moment, you need to let yourself calm back down.”

I nodded.

(To Be Continued)

[wisteria-lotus]

Repeated Mistakes

Content warning: Small amount of gore, includes bloodshed, angst with no comfort (please notify if anything is missing)

Written by: Lotus☪︎ ִ ֶ֢࣪⋆

Edited by: Wisteria

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-660 BCE-

The palace was silent except for the constant scurries of a few workers hoping to finish their job as quickly as possible. It was supposed to be a bright, sunny evening but nothing could be happy when Zayne was having one of the worst  days. The throne room felt different, no one chattering or gossiping, it was empty and vast, nothing but cold air filling it. It was always such a loud and vibrant room, filled with people drinking and playing music but this time, only a single person was in the room. Zayne was perched atop his throne and his knuckles turned white as he gripped the arms of the chair. He was breathing heavily and his eyes that were once a beautiful mix of green and brown were darkened with a dark tint over it. His head was constantly throbbing with indescribable pain and his heart throbbed with hurt that piled up on each other for months. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, it hurt so much to even imagine.

The throne room was now filled with sharp shards of ice from his uncontrollable evol. His emotions were getting in the way once again. He had to keep his evol in check… or else, who knows what could happen? He could hear the gods taunting him and dug his nails into his palm, a crimson red dropping onto one of the shards of ice. The throne room filled with a cold, icy mist.

“I can't do this anymore… haven’t I given enough? What more do you want from me?!” 

Zayne shook in rage and frustration while a single tear dropped down his face. He rubbed his eyes and noticed what he had done to the room. He stood up from his throne and said to himself, “I should start acting like an actual duke.. What am I doing with myself?” He grit his teeth and walked outside the throne room, entering a long hallway. Everything was so blurry and he could barely walk properly. “My evol, it's getting too uncontrollable for me.” His heart beat increased with each and every step as he made it to his office. Zayne collapsed onto his chair and closed his eyes for a short minute, trying to control himself so he could hide those terrible, good for nothing emotions behind a stern face. He leaned his head on an arm resting on the table and looked over at the stack of papers next to him. He sighed. There were so many things to do but so little time… no amount of time in the world could satisfy him, and he had lived for long enough.Zayne put on his glasses, which were studded with a single diamond, to start his work when he heard a soft knock on the door. He grumbled in frustration and went over to open the door. He had clearly given signs to everybody that he did NOT want to be disturbed. He hesitated but ended up creaking the door open.

“Hello?” 

Y/N stood in front of Zayne, with her alluring eyes fixed on him. He was mesmerized by her beauty but reminded himself to snap out of it. He put his cold demeanor and icy glare back on. “Y/N… what are you doing here? Haven’t you been told to not come find me?” 

“I didn’t mean to bother you lord Zayne… I just wanted to check on you.” Her voice was gentle. “I heard from several of the workers that you were having a panic attack. Are you ok?” She had sincerity in those warm words as she looked at him, worried. Y/n had been his advisor for some time and she was someone who Zayne could trust but he had to stop himself from getting close to her, loving her, even embracing her warmth and ruining this life like every other he had lived. 

“No.” His words were laced with bitterness. “And even if I do, you won’t be able to do anything about it. In fact, you’ll probably make it worse…” He muttered. “Just please leave.” 

“Stop trying to chase me out all the time!! You can rely on me,haven’t you realized that after all the things I went through with you?” Her eyes pleaded for him to let her in as she widened the door a bit more. There was a split second where the coldness in his eyes melted away but it was replaced by his usual hardened gaze. “You’re nothing to me and you’ll never be.” He glanced away. Y/n balled up her fists and shoved him aside, entering the room. Zayne tensed and frowned at her. “What are you doing?! ” Y/n gave him a nasty look. “I'm not walking away until you tell me what's going on.” Zayne scoffs at this and remarks, “You’d never understand. The things I did for you.. It never worked. So why would it work in this lifetime?” 

Y/n blinked. “What..? what are you even talking about?” “Forget it” Zayne hissed. 

Y/n gnawed at her lips nervously. Zayne’s gaze settled on her glossy lips, and it was so tempting for him. 

He thought he had a good grasp on himself, until… he didn't. Zayne snatched her wrists and pushed her up to a wall. He caressed her neck and her slender shoulders, leaning in to feel her, to be able to smell her. I’m not making a mistake. This isn’t love, I’m just putting her in her place. 

“W-what the hell Zayne? Let me go!” Y/n panted. 

“Shut up..” He pressed her harder against the wall and stared all over her body, examining every curve. He put a hand on her hips and another on the back of her head, leaning in for a kiss. As soon as their lips touched, Zayne went all in. He was thirsty for her taste and his hunger was unbearable by this point. He pressed harder, sliding his tongue in and tasting her sweet saliva. After a few minutes, he finally broke the kiss. Y/n was all red and was panting, trying to catch her breath. Zayne pretends nothing happened and wiped his mouth with his sleeves. “You can leave.” He was holding back all of his instincts even though he wanted more,Way more. 

Y/n looked hurt and her eyes sparkled with tears. “You’re so confusing. Do you love me or not? Why do you make me feel like this when after, you just turn your back to me? What's wrong with you!” Zayne let out a sigh. “Im.. not.. I’m just trying to-You know what? Please leave Y/n I can't do this today.” Y/n had eyes full of hurt and confusion. Her voice raised, “Why? Why do you do this? Don’t you see that I love you? Why do you have to play with my feelings everyday of my life.” 

Zayne’s eyes flashed with anger. “You don't understand and you never will! LEAVE! You’re just a fucking whore that’ll do what I say. I don't have any feelings for you and I never will.” Y/n bit back tears and turned her back on him. “If that's what you truly believe, then I’ll leave. I just wanted to be some help to you but I guess even that annoys you.” 

Zayne lunges for her and digs his fingers into her shoulders. He dropped his head onto her chest. “D-dont leave… I can't go through that again. Please. I’m.. sorry” Y/n looks at him in disbelief. “Your sorry means nothing.” 

“I didn't mean anything I said Y/n!! It was out of pure anger that I couldn't control. You know how I have anger issues. I wasn’t like this. I was a gentle and loving person but I lost hope and I can't do this anymore. Please give me a second chance Y/n.” Zayne’s eyes teared up and looked desperate. Y/n didn’t bother to even look at him, not wanting to make eye contact with him. Zayne panicked and his hands started to tremble. He was starting to lose control of his evol. Again. “I’m sorry but please.. LEAVE!!!” Zayne pushed her away with much force but it was too late. Shards of ice scattered through the room and one pierced through her arm, splattering blood on the floor. 

Zayne’s eyes widened with fear as he scrambled towards her. “No.. this wasn’t supposed to happen.” The ice disappeared and the room turned back to normal. Y/n’s breath was uneasy and there was still blood dripping down from her arm as she winced in pain.

One of Zayne’s men came in from the commotion and froze in shock. “What are you standing there for?! Get help!” Zayne yelled at him. Zayne was supporting y/n with his arms, basically hugging her until she lightly pushed him away with her other arm. “Don't touch me, you monster.” 

Help arrived and they helped y/n out of the room. She glanced back at Zayne and he noticed how hurt her eyes looked, but he knew it wasn’t because of her arm. All Zayne could do was stare and stare as y/n got smaller as she limped away from his sight. He stood in place without moving a single muscle for a good 30 minutes. “What have I done?” “That wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to help her survive this life and make her happy.”  He leaned on the table for support and covered his eyes. “Y/n..” he sobbed. “I promise.. In my next life I won’t stand in your way. I’ll help you be happy even though it means letting you go.” Zayne glided a hand across his hair, hating himself for being so selfish, after so many lives he still had made the same mistake. As time flew past, and with every minute, the room grew colder, until it was nothing but a barren wasteland of ice.

(2nd post!!)

(requests are open!!)

☪︎ ִ ֶ֢࣪⋆

[rivetgoth]

do you have any not so great club nights you wouldn't mind to share? i'm referencing the nowhere post you did

This is such an auspicious ask because I was literally JUST earlier thinking about reblogging that post and sharing one specific story, this gives me an even better avenue to do so :)

One of the most hilariously bad club nights of my life—maybe even the all time worst?—was this night that we went to years back that was the first time I ever did molly lol. It was a newer night and Angel and I had gone once before to feel out the vibe and it had been pretty fun at the time so we thought it would be fun to get a group of friends to all go to the next one. The theme was gonna be medical kink which alllll of us were into so we were really hype. I had the cutest outfit put together for it; since I’m a puppy I wore my pup gear but I bought a doggy cone online to wear with my gear like I had just gotten surgery, it was really really cute. I’d never done MDMA but at that point basically everyone I knew had and had reported having a great time and so I thought it would be a fun environment to do it.

But dude it was SO bad. From beginning to end. Angel and I bought our tickets in advance but our friends didn’t and we didn’t realize it was FIFTY DOLLARS at the door to get in. For reference the majority of events here range from free to like. $15 max unless there’s also a show or something (there was not). Nobody was there. When we went the first time the VIP tables were packed but this time they were literally completely empty. Music was not lit. Staff was really weirdly rude; I have NEVER been to a club prior to or after that where I felt like I’d be in trouble for being on drugs there lmao. Cheap liquor+mixer drinks were $25 and my friend got fucked over and they accidentally charged her like $60 for a single drink and then told her they couldn’t manually refund her and she’d have to dispute with the bank later. Worst part is that our friends ON ME AND ANGEL’S RECOMMENDATION had invited a group of THEIR friends who had NEVER BEEN TO A GOTH NIGHT BEFORE 😭

Then that same night I found out that molly really, really doesn’t agree with me 🥴 I’ve tried it in better environments and can confidently report this was actually unrelated to the bad vibes of the club itself; it would’ve happened no matter what. It turns out MDMA has the opposite effect on me that it has for others and when I take it everything gets sluggish and slow and I get really introverted and don’t want to be around people, and since I’ve never done this substance before I start freaking out thinking I’m like dying, I’m like in the bathroom with Angel and she’s trying to reassure me I’m fine while I’m there having a panic attack half naked in my puppy gear and cone and this group of people we don’t even know who paid $50 to get in are getting their first ever impression of a goth night this way LMFAO. Angel and I ended up leaving before midnight that night!! That’s how bad it was. We just drove home and spent the rest of the night laying in bed listening to music while I waited for the high to end. It was so terrible in the goofiest way possible. A friend says her most vivid memory of that night was just seeing me in the corner in my cone with my pupils blown out looking like I’m going crazy.

The reality is like, when you go out often you are bound to have bad club nights. And “bad” is very broad here. That might mean the vibe itself is dangerous or weird, it might mean it’s just not very fun, you get into an argument, something out of your control goes wrong… I’ve had club nights where I’ve ended up crying on the smoking patio, where the plumbing system in the building broke down and they had to kick everyone out in the middle of the night with no warning, nights where the vibes were just super off and we left ASAP because it didn’t feel safe, nights where the music is just really not good, where the wrong people show up, where I’ve gotten a migraine out of nowhere… it just comes with putting yourself out there into the world and embracing the multitude of possibilities that comes with being in the nightlife. For every weird / unpleasant night there’s going to be completely transcendent euphoric nights that remind you of what the whole point of being alive is. And best of all, even the bad nights often become funny or memorable or even sweet and nostalgic stories. The night I cried on the smoking patio I remember it was early January and freezing and a stranger let me borrow his jacket. “You look like you need it more than me but you have to promise to give it back.”

[pinkthrone445]

Hi! I was wondering if I could request a Melissa x reader where reader has a panic attack? Or really any kind of mental health related with her calming reader down

Also I love love loooove your fics!!

- 🪻

-"I'll protect you while you grief"-

Pairing:Melissa Schemmenti x Reader

Gender:Hurt, fluff, sad, protective Mel

Warnings:Mention of suicide, mention and description of panic attacks, mention of grief.

Summary:When you lose a loved one, Mel is there to help you with the grief.

I appreciate this request, it was very close to my heart to write it because I dealt with a lot of what I wrote, the loos and the attacks, I hope you like it. Thank you for putting an emoji that identifies you 💕

You weren't the best person facing your feelings, it wasn't something you did on purpose, it just happened. Every time something traumatic or sad hit your life, your body went into defense mode and you felt numb, feeling nothing good or bad for a while. You weren't very aware of when that process started, but your girlfriend Melissa noticed it very easily. She always noticed when you started to disassociate, you numb your feelings, you became distant, and your interactions were limited and cold. The worst part? There wasn't much that could be done but to be by your side until all the feelings decided to come out. Sadly, when your feelings locked up decided to come out, they caused you to have panic attacks or anxiety attacks, something you hated, but it happened without being able to avoid it or control it...

Melissa woke up as the morning light began to make its way through the curtains of the room, her hands searched for you on the bed to hug you, but they were only met with empty cold sheets. A little worried she got out of bed and headed to the dining room, a sigh of relief that she didn't know she was holding left her lips when she saw that you were in the kitchen making coffee

-"Morning hon... You're up early"-she whispered, hugging you from behind and you barely smiled

-"Yeah... I woke up a little while ago and I figured it was good if make you breakfast" - You whispered and kissed her cheek and then continued beating the eggs. Even though you couldn't see her, Mel had worry in her eyes, worry about you. It was rare that you slept little and got up before her. But it wasn't just that that worried her, it was a sum of situations.

A week ago, one of your closest friends came to see you and the redhead, it was just another afternoon like any other time she had visited, but the next day you received a call from her family, saying that your friend had committed suicide, apparently she had taken pills in large quantities and did not wake up again. Mel accompanied you to the funeral, saw you say your parting words and hugged her entire family, saw you be present at all times without shedding a single tear or a sob. Melissa knew you had gone into your protective mode from the moment you got the call and got the news, it was a response to trauma and pain, but it wasn't the best way to deal with the problem.

Your girlfriend tried to convince you to take a few days off school, but you didn't want to, you said that going to work would keep you distracted and fine. That had been a week ago and your girlfriend was worried and attentive to the moment when your body decided to free itself from the true pain and loss you were feeling.

Mel sat at the table eating the breakfast you had prepared for her, you just drank a cup of coffee saying that your stomach hurt to eat anything else. She knew that when you were unwell you didn't have much of an appetite, and you stared into nothing for long periods of time without blinking, moving, or saying a single word.

After breakfast the two of you went to school to work, while you were in the teachers' room, a thoughtless comment came from your lips

-"You know what? Lately every time I leave the house, there are butterflies chasing me, I love butterflies, but I find it weird..."-You whispered as you filled out your worksheet for today's class

-"I read in an article that there are times when we miss someone so much that they visit us in ways that seem familiar to them or that remind us of them, so that we know they are still with us" - Jacob thoughtlessly said one of his thousands of curious facts that were always in his head. Melissa looked worriedly at the tattoo you had on your wrist, it was a tattoo of a butterfly that you and your friend had decided to get together a few years ago. She thought that would be the straw that broke the camel's back, that your sadness would finally show, but you just nodded and let out a hum with a smile and then keep your focus on the paper in front of you.

A few minutes later, the alarm sounded announcing that it was time to go to the classrooms to greet the children, you took your things and kissed your girlfriend and then went to your class.

The rest of the morning passed normally, your class quiet as always and before you knew it, you were back in the teacher's room for lunch. Since Mel was going to take a little while, you decided to go outside to get some air while you waited for her. As you walked through the halls, you saw one of the new murals that had been painted to decorate the school, it was a beautiful park full of flowers and insects and butterflies... So many butterflies... Beautiful and delicate butterflies... So gor... Why was your heart beating so fast? Confused you looked down at your body, why were your hands shaking like that? Why was it hard for you to breathe? You felt like crying, why was it? You weren't feeling well at all and you didn't have much strength to move, you felt like you were about to break. Carefully you walked to your classroom, which was the closest thing to you, when you went through the door, you closed it and leaned on it, letting yourself fall until you reached the ground.

A few minutes later, Melissa entered the teachers' room excited and hungry, not seeing you there she asked the others if they knew where you were, if you already ate, when they told her that you had went outside, she went to look for you worried, she looked outside, in the garden, in the parking lot, even in the bathrooms and the terrace but nothing. Finally not knowing where else to go, she entered your classroom through the other door that was open, not seeing you at your desk Mel was about to leave again, until she heard a sob that caught her attention. She carefully looked at the floor and there she saw your fragile body that trembled with every sob that came from your lips, worried she ran to your side and knelt on the floor next to you without touching you, she knew that when you were having an attack like this it was better that she didn't touch you until you came back to reality a little or you would get worse.

-"Hon, hey baby... Look at me, it's me Mel, you're safe, okay? Look at me" - She whispered in a soft voice urging you to get your head out from between your legs and for your hands to stop covering your ears, as soon as you looked up, she smiled when she saw your eyes looking at her, silently congratulating you for listening and following her instructions. Your eyes were red, puffy and full of tears, your face red from the parts where your legs and hands had generated pressure on your head, your hands amd body still trembling intensely. The redhead wanted to hug you, hold your hands, and stroke your hair until it calmed you down, but you needed to come back to the present first. Your eyes lost their concentration again, but she spoke again-"No, no, look at me, that's it... Only me... Breath with me... Inhale as if you were smelling a flower, that is, hold it a little... Now exhale as if you're blowing a leaf with your lips, that's it my love, you're doing great, do it one more time with me... Perfect... Do you think you can do the five senses check with me?"-She asked and you nodded crying still unable to articulate words but a little calmer, at least you were breathing and not drowning in your own crying. The redhead carefully caressed one of your legs to distract your senses there-"Okey... Tell me 5 things you can see"-Melissa whispered and you sighed trying to calm yourself down more

-"Y-you... Your red hair, your leather jacket... The roof... And... And your necklace..."-You whispered in a weak voice and she nodded

-"Good... Now 4 things you can touch..."-she whispered again, they were exercises that helped you get back to the present and get out of the bubble you were trapped in inside your head

-"The floor... My jeans...My shirt... Your hand" - You whispered sobbing and took her hand, the redhead smiled and stroked your knuckles

-"That's my girl... Now, three things you can hear..."-She continued and you paid more attention to your surroundings and less to your mind

-"The ceiling fan... Ava's heels down the hall... And the birds outside" - Your voice was already more stable

-"Almost there... 2 things you can smell..."-The redhead whispered

-"The food from the lunch room... And your perfume" - You barely smiled just looking at her

-"Good, now the last thing, one thing you can taste..."-Mel caressed your hands and you sighed

-"My salty tears" - You finally answered by stopping crying and the redhead moved to hug you, carefully you hid in her chest, the calm of her heart made yours return to normal. You had a long time like that, she hugged you and caressed your back and you hide in her feeling safe.

-"You did great hon... Let's go home now ... I'll tell Ava what happened, you need to rest" - Mel whispered, and you nodded without much opposition, you felt like shit.

At school they gave you a couple of days off to rest and generate some closure with what was going on, Mel also asked for days to be with you, making sure you were okay, hydrated and ate. She also helped you grief.

You sighed as you looked at the paper in front of you in your hands and then looked at the park where you always used to go with your friend before she leave. A soft hand rested on your shoulder and you smiled at your girlfriend in gratitude for giving you strength and taking care of you

-"It's just you, her and me, no one else... Whatever you say to her, it will be completely for her, not for people at a funeral to judge how much you loved or knew her... Talk to her like you always did, she's listening to you..."-Mel whispered giving you your space and you sighed as you gathered strength

-" I'm mad at you"-You started by talking to your friend as if she was listening-"I'm mad that you left me, I'm mad at me for not figuring this out when you went to see me at home and for not being able to help you enough. Mel made me understand that I was there at all times that you needed, that if you went to see me to say goodbye to me, it was because you had already made up your mind and you didn't want anything to stop you... But it still wish I could have helped you more...I know you're at peace now... Finally and truly at peace. I know that some people decide how to live and you decided how and when to die and I have to respect that... But I'm angry because I miss you and I need you too much and you left me behind, I didn't expect to lose you so soon, but I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and for being a part of mine, you were always there in every important moment for me. I know when I come to this park I'll still be watching the cars go by waiting for you to get off one, I know that when I listen to our favorite songs I'll give you space even if you're not around anymore to sing your parts, I know that when I fight with Mel you will be the first one I wish to call to get you to agree with me even if I don't have the reason in the fight, I know every time I see a butterfly I'll think of you and how free your soul is now, I know that I will continue to watch our favorite movies still listening to the ghost of your laughter, I know that I will continue to use the sweeter that I stole from you years ago and promised to return you but I never did. I know that I will continue to miss you with every passing second and every heartbeat that I have, but I take comfort in knowing that you are now truly calm and happy now... I love you with my whole heart and I hope you will be waiting for me down there for when my turn comes, because I know that with the things we've done in our lives, you can't possibly be in heaven"-You joked with tears in your eyes-"I'll always miss you and I'll always love you" - You whispered and went back to Mel, the redhead hugged you and kissed your head, smiling with tears in her eyes matching your teary ones as she watched a small butterfly flutter around you

-"She is looking out for you... She loves you too" - The redhead whispered and you smiled hugging her tighter and watching the little butterfly dance around you two.

[totallyfunkless]

I was too soft for this world

I wanted to write about TGI and how much I love it. I spoke about it in therapy last week (lol) and my therapist helped me realize that I connect to it even more than I already thought I did.

Well, here we go.

I've always connected to Halsey's music. I was on here in the 2010s during my high school years and I remember seeing Halsey everywhere and falling in love with their music. I fell off for a few years, but when I saw the Graveyard performance at the AMAs in 2019 I was reeled back in -- and I couldn't be more grateful that I saw that performance.

From there I was listening to Manic all the time. I fell in love with it and connected to that album more than I had any album I'd ever heard. 929 is still my favourite song of all time, I love it so much.

I saw Halsey for her IICHLIWP tour in 2022 in Toronto at Budweiser stage and from that day I've been obsessed. Trust me, ask my friends and they will tell you how annoying I am, and I don't care lol.

When I heard The End for the first time in June I cried. For background info, I have been chronically ill for 7 years now. At 21 I randomly began having hip pain and was diagnosed a year later with a form of arthritis in my spine called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I also have Fibromyalgia and a form of Colitis. I write about my experience with my chronic illnesses (currently for WebMD) and I'm a chronically ill/disabled content creator over on IG.

I'd known Halsey was chronically ill, but hearing their experience in just this one song really got me. Then I heard Lucky. The pop song we all needed for the summer of 2024. I was absolutely obsessed with Lucky. I couldn't stop listening; it helped get me through the summer, which was probably the worst summer of my entire life.

I had just gotten out of a relationship that made me very physically ill due to the stress of it (hi, Panic Attack). My friend had passed away due to liver failure, and I was alone for the entire summer. I knew this album was what I needed, and every single that came out helped me keep going. Knowing I'd have to get through the summer to hear TGI helped too.

Fast forward to the release of TGI. Oh my god, I was waiting for this and anticipating it so badly. I wanted to hear it since the second I listened to The End. I knew it would destroy me, but I was ready. As soon as it hit midnight I had my headphones on and I was listening. This album means so much to me, and I relate so much more than I could have ever guessed.

Not just the chronic illness side of things, but the themes of toxic relationships, the relationship with my father, mental health, family, and friends passing away far too early.

Panic Attack describes a lot of my life this past year. In August 2023 I suddenly began vomiting multiple times a day and no one could figure out why. My GI ran tests like a Gastric Emptying Study, an Endoscopy, and bloodwork. Nothing came back, and I was getting extremely frustrated with both him and my body. The vomiting went on for about 10 months. Multiple times a day, almost every single day. During this time I was in a relationship where my partner did not respect my limits in regards to my physical disability. They believed i could do more and told me that to my face. It wasn't until I was months out of that relationship that I realized that the vomiting was caused by the stress of the relationship. The further I get from the breakup, the less I have vomited. Panic Attack has opened my eyes a lot to what stress can do to the body, and how much a relationship can affect you not only mentally, but physically, too. "My spirit has been broken My optimisms getting sore And I would love to love you But my body's keeping score"

The End I already spoke about, but the theme of getting sick and dealing with doctors who won't listen, the confusion of becoming ill every so often with new diagnoses ties into my life quite perfectly. I know I haven't dealt with anything as serious as h has, but I can still relate to this theme heavily.

"If you knew it was the end of the world, could you love me like a child? Could you hold me in the dark? If you knew it was the end of the world, would you like to stay a while? Would you leave when it gets hard?"

Hometown reminds me a lot of my friend Karn, who passed away back in 2021. We went to high school together and were best friends afterward. We would bike together a lot, and then when I got sick, he was the reason I got my first cane. He was my most supportive friend in terms of my illnesses and my limits. I think about him nearly every single day and I miss him to death. The line "he's evergreen at 17 for the last 11 years" hit me like a truck. I'd never really thought about it, but Karn is evergreen at 24. Somewhere in the clouds he's riding his bike and laughing, just like he used to. He will always look the same. ♥ I'm so sorry that h and others can relate. The heartache of losing someone far too young has been so hard on me with multiple of my friends, so I hurt for everyone who can relate.

"Like the others from my high school, all those sad suburban ghosts Trapped in a cross next to a highway, while the rest of us get old"

Hurt Feelings oh boy. I've had a rocky relationship with my father since I was a child. The yelling, the getting mad at me for everything, making me scared of doing anything even slightly wrong. Things have lightened up since he's gotten older, but those memories are always in my brain. I'll never forget the feeling of fear when he would yell. "I'll be changing like the weather but I'll never be like him" Mark my words I will not be that kind of parent. Ever.

"You know my father isn't dead, but it don't feel like he's still here It's strange now that he's grey, getting older by the day And my eyes tell me that he's harmless despite what my heart has to say"

On the topic of parenting, this is one thing that speaking to my therapist made me realize. Something not many people know about me is that I've always wanted to be a parent. My whole life I've just wanted to be a mother. So badly. As the years have gone by and the more sick I've gotten, I've started to realize that this may not happen for me. The amount of energy I will need and the amount of energy I have daily do not match. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about it, but it's something I feel that I need to learn to be okay with. Whether it happens or not, I have to accept it.

So in the conversation with my therapist, I had mentioned that this album featured Halsey's son and there's a lot about him in the songs. She stopped me and said "Oh, she has a son?" and I responded with Yes. "Do you think you relate to this also because that’s something you've always wanted, and how do you feel that she has a child with all of their health stuff going on?". And I was stopped in my tracks. I hadn't thought about it. Obviously, I'm so happy that h has Ender and Avan.

Thinking about it now, I do have to say that I'm envious of them because of how happy they are and that they have this lovely little family building. Something I've always wanted, and something I hope so badly to have someday, despite all of my health issues. I've had many thoughts in my head since becoming sick that I'll never be loved and I'll never be fully understood because of my chronic health issues. My most recent relationship confirmed those fears, though my brain fights those fears because I see others with happy and healthy relationships despite health challenges.

I proceeded to tell my therapist about the photos from Halsey's 30th birthday party, and how happy she looked in them. Something about those photos makes me so happy. The look in h's eyes. I told my therapist that I hope to achieve that feeling someday.

Being a writer and content creator who speaks on my experience on a regular basis, I respect the hell out of you, Halsey. Talking about all of this and making an album surrounding it is so vulnerable, real, and raw. I know firsthand that it is not easy, and it opens up a lot of negativity from people who simply don't understand your experience.

I want to say thank you for TGI. Thank you for all of your music. You've helped me (and so many others) so much and I am forever grateful for you and your words. Your voice is changing lives.

I hope any of this makes sense. This is the first time I've written for fun in literal years, so I may be rusty.

Thank you, h ♥

Love Steff aka totallyfunkless

[anonnie-in-wonderland]

Call Me Crazy...

Rating: T

 Word Count:11.8k 

 Warning(s): anxiety/anxious thoughts, near panic attacks, injury, but also beware the fluff for it is potent

 Summary: When Y/N gets her hands on the newest Samsung phone, she thinks at most she’ll get a little clout with her friends and fewer dropped calls. A direct portal to BTS? Not so much.

 Genre(s): Strangers to Friends to Lovers| Crack Treated Seriously| Fluff| Comedy| Romance| Magical Realism

 Tags: bts x reader | ot7 x reader | poly| FM!POC!reader

 Ch.3:  Don’t Hold Your Breath for a Break

A/N: Hiiii, sorry I’ve been away for so long. 🥺 Life has been pretty stressful. But, I’m back now, new chapter, whoo! I have had this on my mind for a while now, and finally got the chance to incorporate it into this chapter~ I really do hope you enjoy the arrival of the next BTS member to show up, whose dynamics with Y/N are already among my favorites. Also, always feel free to chat with me about this fic if you’d like, I don’t bite and thrive on the engagement! 🤗 I wanna know if anyone wants to guess what is going on or has figured it out yet. This chapter is especially dedicated to the blog who had a super easy tutorial on how to keep your formatting from google docs to tumblr!! Saved me a lot of time. Hehe *PLEASE do not ask about the taglist in this story’s comments*

In the days that followed, Y/N completely fell down a rabbit hole. It felt prudent to look more into BTS, or more specifically, Park Jimin. From a strictly legal perspective and nothing more.

 After all, she was sure his attorneys would be sending a court summons any day now just as soon as they managed to find out her identity and track her down. It was something she lived in fear of.

 Binna was none-the-wiser that the reason she suddenly seemed so attentive about the band’s recent lives was because she wanted to know if they’d mentioned anything. Any clues that would tell Y/N when her days as a free person were coming to an end. 

Honestly, she hadn’t found much. Nothing that would be helpful in allowing her to participate in her own legal defense. Speaking of that, could she even afford an attorney that would be able to stand up against Park Jimin’s? She was sure a global superstar would have the best in the country.

Y/N listlessly scrolled through yet more photos of Jimin—looking for hidden meanings in the recent videos the group had posted was starting to make her feel like she was overreacting at best and paranoid at worst. 

There were pictures of him with a variety of hair colors and outfits, taken over time, and he was flawless in all of them. Even ones she came across where he wasn’t glammed out in full makeup made it obvious he was just one of the lucky ones, naturally born attractive. 

“How many wardrobe malfunctions can one person have throughout their career?” Y/N found herself muttering, spying yet another photo where Jimin’s fancy jacket was sliding down his arm. “Is he allergic to keeping his shirt on his shoulders?”

Though, given how many fan compilations existed that compiled every single moment where Jimin’s shirt or jacket hadn’t quite managed to stay all the way on, it didn’t seem like there were many complaints. Army was swooning and swooning hard if anything. 

But really, being sued within an inch of her life wasn’t even the worst part about it all. If someone saw the “notes” section of her phone, they’d have her committed first, and ask questions later. She’d have her committed, under normal circumstances.

 Because what she had experienced not once, but twice? It went against everything she stood for. Logical, grounded, a firm believer in science and fact. Facts didn’t support phenomena like getting sucked through a mirror and ending up in an idol’s dance studio. 

Facts didn’t support seeing the face of another idol—because she now knew the reason the man in the mirror looked vaguely familiar was because he was another BTS member, Seokjin—instead of her own reflection when she went to brush her teeth. It just…didn’t make sense. 

Science couldn’t support it. It was nuts. Yet it happened to her. And that was the only reason she believed it. Too bad no one else would. Or worse, if and when Jimin announced he’d be pressing charges for assault, and she had confessed beforehand to someone…it would probably be taken as evidence the attack was premeditated.

 Sure, they’d have to prove how she got in. But…but still! She couldn’t risk it. Wouldn’t. Which meant her phone was her only safe secret-keeper. They were co-conspirators in it all. 

Speaking of the damned cursed thing… trying to outright return it hadn’t worked, even though she had the receipt and everything! She still remembered the bizarre events that day.

Y/N was almost out of breath by the time she entered the phone store, embarrassingly worked up in front of the few strangers milling around inside. She got a few curious, side-long glances, and then they went back to perusing the inventory.

“Welcome!” Called an employee already speaking to other customers. “Someone will assist you shortly.”

Y/N gave a short, affirmative nod, trying not to come off anxious as she glanced around. Everything looked…the same as the night she had bought the phone. Shiny new models on display, the monitor above their heads playing a loop of advertisements for different Samsung products, and everything neatly put away and organized. Absently, she began to think over the store’s layout, and the fact that it could have a strong subconscious effect on the consumer. Organization of inventory could actually play a role in whether or not someone wanted to buy something.

But, putting that aside, the store didn’t look like the kind of place that would sell someone a phone that would ruin their life. Looks could be deceiving, though. Who knew what was actually afoot?

“Oh, can I help you, miss?” A middle-aged woman wearing the store’s polo top came over with a tag that said her name was Hayoung asked in an attentive tone.

Y/N was quick to nod. “I’m here to make a return, actually. I bought a phone from your store not long ago.”

“Was the item not to your liking?” Hayoung asked, guiding her over to an available station.

The university student glanced down at the phone in question, which she’d placed back in the original purchase box. “You could…say that.” She mumbled. “I’ve thought about it, and I really don’t need anything even half this fancy.” Telling the woman she thought the phone might have it in for her was out of the question. “So I’d like to exchange it for something simpler.”

Hayoung dutifully accepted the box, scanning the barcode and then lifting up the lid. Y/N had anticipated a smooth return in which she’d flash her receipt, maybe some ID, and have the exchange completed in no time. But when Hayoung’s brow furrowed, she knew she wouldn’t like whatever the saleswoman was going to say.

“Is…is something wrong?”

“Well,” she paused, “Are you sure you purchased your phone here? From this store? I know we’ve had models similar to this in stock before, but this one’s just not ringing up.”

“Really?” Y/N shook her head, rummaging around in her purse. “I don’t see how that could be. I have the receipt if that helps…” 

She then proceeded to go through her small purse, searching the exact spot she knew she had folded and placed the receipt. “Um, hold on a minute please,” Hayoung waited expectantly as Y/N kept looking, growing increasingly more frustrated as she turned the contents of her purse inside out hunting for the receipt. 

No, no way was she ever that careless. She had made sure she put it into her purse before leaving the apartment, and she didn’t exactly care that much in it to begin with! It was all zipped up tight, so how could it have fallen out?!

It took several more long, awkward moments of searching futilely in vein for her to realize it was true. The receipt was no where to be found. Trying to fight down the flush of defeat crossing her cheeks, Y/N cleared her throat, speaking diplomatically, “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to have my receipt on hand after all. I guess I’ll just…try to search it out and return when I do.”

“Oh, there’s no need. Our system can search for and find the purchase if you happen to have the card on hand.”

Y/N wanted to slump over in defeat, “Actually my friend bought it…”

“Oh,” Hayoung tilted her head, “Do you happen to know the account number used?”

Y/N mentally wondered if Binna was free. She shouldn’t be in class right now, right? So it would be okay to quickly give her a call and get this sorted out. She had to leave the store without this phone. That was a must!

 “H-Hold on please!” It was a little embarrassing, snatching the phone she had been trying to return from its box and powering it on. In anticipation of making the return, Y/N had thought to wipe it and remove the SIM card chip, but then recalled hearing it was best to do that at the store when the transaction was complete, in case there was something forgotten on the phone that still needed to be retrieved.

Hastily scrolling down the admittedly short contacts’ list, Y/N located Binna’s number and pressed the button to dial. The phone rang three times, and she anxiously tapped her foot as she waited to see if her friend would pick up. ‘Please, Bin. Come on. Please.’

Of course, as it always was when she needed something to work out, it didn’t quite go smoothly. Binna hadn’t picked up, and she had ended up ending the call right before it switched to voice mail. Typing out a text message asking for the information she needed, Y/N had glared spitefully down at the phone.

“Do you recall the name of the clerk who sold you the phone?” Hayoung asked gently. 

Y/N thought it over, the sales associate’s face floating to mind. “Yes, his name was Suk-kyu.”

“Hmm, that name doesn’t sound familiar.” Hayoung shook her head. “I’ve been employed here three years and never heard anyone go by that name,”

It was unlike her, but Y/N felt she was entitled to a bit of out of character behavior when her jaw actually dropped. “You’re kidding…”

But, Hayoung assured her, she was not. She didn’t think they had ever carried the exclusive Army Edition of the phone. She didn’t know who Suk-kyu was, and Y/N couldn’t find her receipt, the only bit of evidence that might have been able to successfully lift the burden of the phone from her person. She had left the store, apologizing for wasting the patient woman’s time, and feeling like she was at least partially going crazy. 

Needless to say, Y/N had been…anxious about the phone since then. A bit scared, even. A fear she had no choice but to shoulder in silence for the time being. There wasn’t much she could do but continue searching high and low for the receipt and hope it turned up soon.

 In the meantime, she didn’t let on that anything was wrong, using the phone like before, though limiting that to when it was really necessary. No more playing around with it or downloading apps. Nope, she didn’t want to risk getting too attached to the thing. 

The only thing she did besides make calls was research. Things she never would have thought about looking up before. Like, unexplained phenomena with electronics, most of which led to completely wild conspiracy theories or dead ends.

Y/N had been so engrossed in breaking her brain over what to do, she jumped when the apartment door swung open, turning around on the coach to see Binna march in, a few grocery bags in her hands. Keys in her mouth, she gently kicked the door closed, humming to herself until she happened to look up and spot Y/N.

“Oh!” Binna hustled into the small kitchen to set her bags down, then her keys. “Y/N, didn’t expect to see you here right now. You’ve got class today, right?”

“It was canceled…” she sighed, sliding down the couch cushions and placing her phone on the coffee table. “The professor’s out sick with the flu.”

Binna winced in sympathy. “Yikes, poor guy…”

“Yeah,” Y/N took great care not to get sick, so she hadn’t so much as had a cold in years, but she still remembered times when she was a child in bed with chills, body aches and a fever. Once she had even had pneumonia, her mother forced to call out from work and nurse her back to health. “He just wanted us to go over the assignment we’ve been working on since the start of the semester. You know, take this as independent study time basically. But…”

“Buuut, knowing you,” Binna smiled, “You’ve already taken the initiative and gotten a head start a long time ago, so you’re ahead of everyone else.”

“Done, actually,” Y/N confirmed, not afraid to admit to her efficiency. 

Her roommate made a noise of encouragement as she began to put the groceries away. It didn’t look like much. A loaf of bread, some bottles of sauce they’d been running low on, some eggs and a carton of milk.

 “That’s great, since it actually kind of works out. Chin-Mae and Min Su invited me to check out this new steak house that just opened up. I heard reservations are booked out for weeks already, but thanks to Min Su’s connections, we can go this evening. What do you say?” Binna wiggled her eyebrows, trying to entice Y/N. 

“Alright, I’m in,” she agreed.

“Because I’m sure they won’t mind adding just one more to our party, especially if that person is you…” Binna continued to ramble.

“Bin, did you hear me?” Y/N clucked, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I said I’m in.”

Eyes round as the eggs she had put away, Binna blinked, nodded, and finally broke out into an ear to ear grin. “Oh, wow, that’s new. I m-mean not that it isn’t great you wanna join us, but…”

“What?” Y/N felt a little defensiveness creeping up on her, and she probably didn’t do the best job completely hiding it from her tone. “You made the invite, and you said Min Su and Chin-Mae would be fine with it. Did you not…really want me to come along?”

They thought she would kill the mood, the nasty little whisper entered her head unbidden. They thought she was so stuffy and boring.

“What, Y/N, no!” Binna immediately denied, “I’m really glad you can make it,” she shot over to the couch, wrapping her arms around her friend’s neck from behind as she bent over for the hug. “It’s true you normally put up a little more resistance when we ask you to come somewhere. You stay so busy, so I was a little surprised is all. But I’m glad you’re agreeing.”

Y/N’s tense shoulders relaxed, and she mentally sighed to herself, feeling silly. Of course, of course her friends wanted her there. And this was Binna, who struggled to have a bad thought about anybody. Secretly resentful definitely wasn’t her style. 

But with the stress she had been under, and the dread she’d done her best not to give into, Y/N could admit her nerves had been on edge. “Yeah, sorry about that…” she laughed weakly, reaching up and patting one of the arms looped around her neck. “I don’t know where that came from, but I’m happy to eat a little steak if Min Su’s recommending it.” The man had the best luck finding good places to eat, or stores that sold exactly what you were looking for but probably overlooked. 

“Good girl,” Binna uncoiled her arms and leaned back against the couch itself. “That’s the spirit. And hey, I heard from some of the girls in the campus’ BTS fan club that one of the guys on campus might be related to one of the waiters who might have catered the food on the set of a music video for Taehyung!”

She said it in a breathy squeal, and Y/N couldn’t help but smile indulgently. She was almost sure she knew which one Taehyung was, but she still wouldn’t put money on it. It might just as soon be someone else. Maybe Namjoon? 

She’d gotten more familiar with their names but as most of her time perusing videos and photos had been spent investigating Jimin, she wasn’t entirely sure on the others’ faces. Well, besides Jin and J-Hope. 

“Nice,” she said, letting Binna get all her gushing out as she texted Chin-Mae just to make sure it really was okay if she tagged along. Stupid to be anxious about feeling unsure if everyone really wanted her to come, but better to be safe than sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was impressed the minute they walked through the door. Min Su stopped trying to sneak an arm around Chin-Mae’s waist and immediately went over to talk to the maître d. The two men spoke cordially, the head waiter confirmed their reservation, and then they were led to their table with a flourish. 

Binna was practically bouncing on her heels, squealing under her breath. “Can you believe this place?” she whispered excitedly, “I feel like a movie star, coming here.”

The restaurant was definitely lavish, so she understood where her friend was coming from. The tables were polished stained oak, and lit by a candle to provide ambiance, and the floors were a gorgeous brown tile that Y/N suspected to be marble. 

The restaurant was done in a mixture of black, gold with high beam wood ceilings and low atmospheric lighting. They walked past a bar, long and oval, with shimmering glasses the team of bartender would pull down as they did impressive tricks to wow the gathered guests. 

“It’s one of the hottest spots in Gangnam right now,” Chin-Mae commented as they sat down. The table comfortably fit the four of them, and everyone got settled as a young woman hurried over, handing them menus and introducing herself. 

“This is so cool,” Binna exclaimed, still wiggling in place. She shook Y/N’s arm. She was all done up with some icy blue eye shadow that matched her aqua dress, and a more subtle plum shade of lipstick. 

Her hair was secured in a complicated twist by a pin she recognized from the last time they had gone shopping together. Y/N adjusted the shawl draped over her shoulders, pulling down her own strapless dress. Binna had helped her pick accessories, which were mostly shades of amber or gold, and apply some light makeup. 

Y/N chuckled, nodding as she scanned the menu, trying her best to ignore the listed prices. She had come fully prepared to pay her own way, but Min Su insisted the meal was going to be on him. It must have been nice.

 The perks of being from an affluent family, she supposed. The guy was already well on his way to being a successful lawyer, following the family tradition. He had moved all the way from his hometown in China to come and work on his master’s degree at one of the top universities in Korea, just for a change of pace. “Thanks again for letting us crash your date night, guys.” Binna beamed.

“Please,” Chin-Mae scoffed lightly, not looking up from his menu. “What was I supposed to do all evening? Talk to him?”

Min Su pouted, but it didn’t diminish the fond glow in his eyes as he leaned over his boyfriend’s shoulder and whispered something in his ear that gave Chin-Mae pause.

 Their friend cut a sharp look at his partner, smacking his thigh and then proceeding to ignore the man who was happily leaning into him and commenting on the menu. Yeah, nothing new there. Min Su was totally gone on Chin-Mae, as always.

 There was nothing about Chin-Mae’s bluntness or dismissive attitude in public that ever put him off. If anything, the mean behavior only served to make Min Su try harder. Though, she and Binna both knew Chin-Mae wouldn’t be with someone this long if he wasn’t just as serious about them.

 He was just a straight shooter, raised in a family that wasn’t completely accepting of who he was, and unfortunately awkward and out of his depth about how to handle someone as affectionate and doting as the man he happened to fall in love with.

 They were well suited in that regard. Min Su was patient and persistent enough to shower Chin-Mae in all the attention he needed to overcome the lingering doubts about being worthy of such deep love and devotion. 

Y/N was perfectly fine, pursuing the path she was. Career goals first, everything else second. But sometimes, watching them, a little envy did ignite.

 It must have been nice to find something like that, and she was truly happy for them. It didn’t seem likely she’d have time in the near future to go out and chase it for herself, of course. And she wasn’t really worried about it. 

“So, what’ll it be for you guys?” Y/N cleared her throat, interrupting the warm and cozy silence they’d all been existing in.

“Ohh, I think I’m gonna have the smoked chicken and spinach salad, and a side of the fried mushrooms,” Binna announced, tongue poking out in concentration as her finger followed where the items she wanted were on the menu.

“You’re going so easy on him.” Chin-Mae remarked. “I’m getting the iron skillet trout,” he squinted, leaning further into the menu. Min Su only smiled, plucking the reading glasses from Chin Mae’s breast pocket that he had forgotten to put on and placing them on his face for him.

 The absent-minded pat he got on the hand for it made the law student’s whole face light up. “And the chicken fried steak. That okay, babe?” He might not have looked it, exactly, but Chin-Mae had a healthy appetite. And if they were coming to such an exclusive restaurant for the first time, it wasn’t surprising he wouldn’t be keen to hold back.

Min Su was nodding encouragingly before Chin-Mae had even fully gotten the question out of his mouth. “And what about you, Y/N?”

She clammed up slightly, having been looking at the menu, mentally ruling out what seemed too expensive, or wasn’t quite her taste. “Uh, the pot roast sounds like a filling entree.”

“And?” Chin-Mae prodded, interlocking his hands together and leaning on them.

“And nothing,” Y/N shook her head. “It comes with two sides, that’s more than enough.”

“Boo,” Her friend hissed dramatically. “Fine. If neither one of you is going to take advantage of this, then I guess it’s up to me.”

Their waitress returned with a tray of drinks at precisely that moment, and as she set them down in front of the correct person, everyone began telling her their orders, which she jotted down without missing a beat.

 Only Min Su had actually ordered any steak, but, given the price of a 24 oz there was just no way she felt comfortable doing that to the poor guy, even if he was a good sport about it and more than capable of handling a large bill. 

As they sat, sipping their champagne and waiting on the food, something Y/N had been putting off thinking about started floating through her mind. Ever since the whole Jimin fiasco, despite her deep diving and frantic searching, nothing had turned up that indicated anyone was coming after her. 

But she just wasn’t willing to believe she’d gotten away that easily. She almost killed a celebrity. And, due to that, she’d really wanted to seek legal advice from Min Su, under the guise of some far-fetched hypothetical, of course. Her friends weren’t onto her, and she couldn’t give them a reason to be. 

She just had to find a way to casually broach the topic…

“Oh,” Binna gasped from her side, drawing the whole table’s attention to herself. She was carefully scrolling her phone with a freshly manicured nail, scowling slightly. It was so rare that Binna displayed any actual disdain, it had Y/N a bit curious. 

“What’s wrong, Bin?”

“It’s nothing,” she replied immediately, then paused. “Well it’s not nothing but, it’s just…I really wished we lived in a world that respected idols as people, you know? Some people call themselves fans and act like famous people aren’t allowed to have any boundaries.” She then went on to describe how there’d been another sasaeng incident reported on a news site she followed to keep up with celebrity gossip. 

Apparently, it was a pretty serious one, and crazed ‘fans’ had attacked an actress a well-known idol was reported to be dating. Her bodyguard had fended them off, but the actress still went to the hospital with some injuries. 

Y/N perked up slightly, but Min Su and Chin-Mae were thankfully too engrossed in listening to Binna rant to notice. It would be much easier to bring up her question using the information Binna had just provided them as a pretext.

 It was about time she had a stroke of good luck. Stopping to think it over, Y/N cringed. Not that she wasn’t sympathetic to the poor woman who had been harmed because of someone’s delusions. But it just…presented an opportunity she had to take, and….

‘Oh, why am I trying to rationalize it to myself?! I should just ask the question before the subject changes.’

 That decided, she opened her mouth and spoke, doing her best to make it seem as casual as possible. “So Min Su, you’re practically a lawyer. What kind of charges could that person face? Attacking a celebrity and inflicting bodily harm isn’t the same as harassing them for a photo.”

 Y/N silently patted herself on the back, sitting from her glass with an expression carefully schooled to look only mildly interested. Inside was another matter. She was rocking back in forth, heart hammering and eyes wide, waiting for an answer with baited breath.

“Hmm, well, I’ve mostly studied corporate law.” He admitted, playing with a ring on his index finger, “But I do know that given the severity, it’s likely both the actress and the company she’s represented under will press charges. Things are also moving faster these days, prosecuting people who do things like that.” 

Y/N swallowed, eyes fixated on Min Su’s thoughtful expression. “There were also witnesses, so it’s very likely to result in a conviction.” Yes, there had been a witness in her case too. Well, J-Hope had only seen her fleetingly. Maybe. Hopefully not. But if she was on any camera then…it was most definitely over for her.

 “The court could go light on them if it was a first offense…they might be sentenced to a large fine and community service…” Okay, Y/N thought. It would probably drain her savings, but it was still possible to bounce back and have a future, right? She could still put it in the past and become a CEO one day, right?! “Then again, it was a premeditated attack. Jail time is also a strong possibility.”

Her heart sank back down to her feet. Jail. What successful CEO in Korea had been to jail before graduating, and for assaulting an idol no less. 

‘I. Am. Done.’

“What’s the matter, Y/N?” Binna giggled, “You look like you smelled a rotten egg. But I guess hearing about how far some crazy people will go is pretty disgusting, isn’t it? I don’t think I’ll have much sympathy for them, whatever happens.”

“…Yeah…” Y/N said once her words came unstuck. That was another thing. Her sweet friend was going to think she was a criminal. She had known Binna since high school, having shared a homeroom class with her. They were vague acquaintances then, friendly enough to speak from time to time but by no means close enough to hang out between classes or after school. 

In fact, admittedly, Y/N used to wonder if Binna’s perky personality was just an act. It had to be, in her cynical rationalizing, because who was really that upbeat, in high school? 

Later on, she would realize she was just projecting, and once she stopped doing that was when she truly came to appreciate Binna for all that she was, steadfast and supportive. Although they didn’t become close, didn’t become friends, until meeting at orientation when arriving at Korea University. 

“They knew the consequences before they did it.” Chin-Mae joined in, swishing the last of his champagne around before drinking it down. “It’s stupid to think your life won’t be impacted when you run wild like that.”

Except, Y/N wanted to wail. She hadn’t known. She wasn’t a sasaeng, and she knew she had assaulted someone but at the same time she hadn’t really done anything wrong. Except maybe buy a cursed magical phone, that somehow was behind all this.

…Yeah, she’d just keep that thought to herself. 

“Well,” Y/N smiled, “Thanks for giving your input.” She told Min Su, who nodded, humming with a cheerful ‘no problem’.

A cartoony chime went off, and Binna groaned as she stared down at her phone, “Nooo,” she sighed, sounding truly remorseful. “Right now?”

“What’s happening?” Chin-Mae raised a brow.

“Jimin is going live!” She whined, “And normally I’d watch but I’m having such a great time with all of you, and I don’t want to be rude…”

“It’s fine, go ahead.” Y/N said, forcing a smile. “We know how addicted to that stuff you are.” Really, she wanted the floor to swallow her into the abyss. She knew the minute she heard that sound what was going on. If her phone had been turned on, they would have heard the same noise coming from her purse too.

She had made an account on several apps BTS often broadcasted their lives to, and set an alert for just that occasion. There were a couple of false alarms she hadn’t tuned into once she saw they weren’t from the person she was basically stalking at this point. But this was it. The big moment. 

He hadn’t done a solo live since the accident…but Binna said his members had mentioned that he had a small accident while practicing and was recovering well. 

All of Army was behind him, sending him tons of well wishes from all over the world. It was sweet, but she wondered how fast they would turn if they knew she was behind their beloved idol’s injuries. 

“Yeah, what Y/N said,” Chin-Mae rolled his eyes. “Check on your man,” he joked.

Binna giggled, flashing them a cute heart. “He’s not my man,” she replied playfully, “I’d have to get in line for that. Plus, I’m really more of an OT7, you know? It’s really hard to stick with one bias.”

 Nonetheless, when she began to watch, since Y/N couldn’t exactly whip out her phone and do the same without raising suspicion, she subtly leaned closer to at least listen.

Of course, Binna was always more astute than she let on. “Oh, did you wanna see too?” She angled the screen so they could both see before Y/N even had the chance to protest. 

And the live was just starting, the exact same idol she had seen what felt like a lifetime ago was sitting in a room by himself. It looked like he was on a couch, legs crossed, looking small in his soft oversized sweater and giving the camera a cute wave. “Hi, everyone,” his sweet voice said. “Thank you for waiting on me!”

Gushing comments poured in, cheering him and welcoming him back, asking him what he’d been up to, and telling him he looked good. Jimin tilted his head, a coy, secretive smile appearing on his shiny lips. Y/N couldn’t tell if he was wearing gloss or if they always looked like that.

 She had been a bit too preoccupied the one and only time she had the opportunity to see them in person. He had dyed his hair a different color, though. It was now a shade of strawberry blonde that complimented his angelic features well.

 “Well, I haven’t been up to much. Just resting, really.” he explained. “Even on days when I felt better and tried to join practices, the members just shooed me away.” He laughed. “Oh, but look at this!” He reached down, his head dipping out of screen for a minute, popping up seconds later holding a little pot. “Taehyung got me this ‘get well’ plant!” He showed them a cute little sapling.

Binna cooed, Y/N glancing at her then refocusing on his words. Who knew when a hidden meaning would pop up.

“I don’t know how well I’ll be able to take care of it; I’m not sure if I have a green thumb. But I’ll try my best!”

Comments came pouring in again, people saying he was going to enter his plant dad era, because collecting succulents could be addicting.

 Other people gushed at the sweetness of the VMin friendship, whatever that was, and yet more people reminded Jimin that he looked really good. Yet one comment in particular seemed to catch his eye, and he squinted, seemingly intrigued. 

“Hmm? You wish you were a plant so I could take care of you?” He repeated. “You don’t have to be a plant for me to want to take care of you.” The statement was very matter-of-fact, “You’re Army. I’ll always watch over Army.”

Binna sounded like she released a tiny sniffle. “Is he not just the sweetest?” She asked, nudging Y/N a bit. “Since you’re new to BTS, have you chosen a bias yet?”

Y/N wished she could tell her the real reason behind her sudden interest, but that was kind of out of the question. “No, not yet…”

“Y/N’s a BTS fan now?” Chin-Mae asked, “Since when?”

“Pretty recent.” Binna replied.

Y/N was only half listening to her friends, mostly focusing on Jimin’s chatter. Someone was still insisting they wanted to be his plant, and he looked nothing short of amused. 

“Okay, if you insist. Should I start a garden then?” He asked his fans. Y/N watched, stunned, as his bright eyes narrowed into a practiced and very effective smolder. She had seen it in pictures before, but in real time it was really something else, “It’ll be full of so many pretty flowers, and you’ll all bloom just for me, right?” The heady purr of his words sent a shocked shiver right down her spine. 

Binna swooned, while Y/N felt her breath hitch. ‘What… the…hell…was that?!’ A flirty throwaway line like that had never had that effect on her before.

 But then, thinking back, he had flirted with her in the dance studio too. She’d just been too worried to pay attention. Clearly, the man was an old hand at the art of duality, going from wholesome to heathen in five seconds flat. That was…dangerous. 

Binna seemed to already know how she felt, leaning into her with a sigh. “That, Y/N, is what happens when Jimin turns from angel to demon.” Her friend explained. “I’d say you’ll get used to it, but odds are you probably won’t.”

Jimin then went back to amicably speaking to everyone, as if he hadn’t just teased fans within an inch of their lives. The conversation moved on, and he was speaking about upcoming projects he was excited about or a funny habit that he had noticed in his band member. All normal, non-threatening stuff. Y/N was almost thinking she could relax. Almost. 

“What? You want to tell me a secret?” Jimin was reading another comment. “Okay, I’m listening…”

Y/N quirked a brow at the comment. “Sometimes I dream about you.” it read.

The idol grinned, replying casually. “Sometimes I miss Army so much I end up thinking about all of you in the middle of the day.” Y/N’s blood ran cold as he looked intensely at the screen. “It’s almost like you’re there…”

That was it. The sign she was waiting for! He was talking to her. 

“I…” Y/N stumbled to her feet, startling Binna. “Need the bathroom, I’ll be back.”

“Oh, okay.” Her friend said slowly, setting down her phone. “Is anything wrong? You don’t…look so good suddenly.”

‘You wouldn’t either in my shoes,’ she thought miserably. ‘Park Jimin is going to sue me within an inch of my life.’

“It’s alright,” she held a hand to her stomach, selling the illusion of sudden nausea. “Just…lady problems.” She said lamely.

Poor Binna didn’t even question it; she nodded, eyes full of sympathy. “Well text if you need anything.” She squeezed Y/N’s hand. “I’ve got a few extra tampons in my purse.” she whispered discreetly. Really, Binna was too good of a friend for her. 

Y/N rounded the corner in a hurry, blindly guessing where the bathrooms might be located. She passed their waitress, rolling out a cart that she was pretty sure contained their meals. Everything looked delicious, and of course she couldn’t even enjoy the great evening Min Su had generously provided. All because she was screwed. 

She hustled into a bathroom as fancy as the rest of the steak house, and so spacious there would probably be an echo. She hustled over to the sink, activating the handless system by shoving her trembling fingers under it. As she splashed her face with warm water, the dread twisting up her stomach gave way to deja vu. 

‘This is just like…the event at the internship.’ The wild day that would be the beginning of the end of her life. Removing her hands from the water, she gently pressed the pad of her thumb up to her eye, tapping it a few times.

 Her makeup was well done, but it still felt like she could see bags. ‘At least it can’t get worse.’ She assumed. After all, what was worse than this? The dumb phone was put away in her clutch, turned off, and back at the table.

 The very least she could do was fake a smile so she didn’t ruin everyone’s meal, and enjoy what might be her last chance to experience this. They probably didn’t serve many steakhouse dinners where she was going. 

That thought firmly in mind, Y/N squared her shoulders and prepared to march back out, tightly gripping her clutch at her side. Wait, her clutch?!

Binna must have handed it over to her, assuming she might need it. She had said to text if she needed anything, and Y/N couldn’t exactly do that without a phone. Well, at least it was off. Y/N wasn’t totally sure what kind of phenomenon had disrupted her life, but it all started with that phone. 

No sooner had she backed away from the mirror than a wave of dizziness overtook her, sending her keeling forward. Instinctively, she clutched the sink to maintain her balance, almost screaming out when she looked up as the dizzy feeling passed. 

The mirror in front of her was the same as always, a reflection of her wide, mortified eyes. But the long glossy mirror that made up the entire wall of the bathroom at the entrance of the restroom? 

A reflection of another room, just like before. “No…” she whispered, not ready to admit that it was happening again. What was worse? All of it being real, or her losing her mind? “Not again…!”

She clenched her eyes shut, then attempted to get her feet moving. She would keep her head down and hurry right on past, to the exit. That was the plan at least. And she was making good progress to move without falling over in her modest heels, but the minute she actually got closer to the mirrors, a strange feeling overwhelmed her. 

Almost like a compulsion to stop. Y/N felt like she was watching a scene in a movie, watching a victim wander down the hall of a haunted house, towards the homicidal attacker lying in wait.

 Her feet were making her move on her own! Her fingertips reached out, and yet she had no control. She had to touch the mirror, see if that room on the other side was real. But deep down, she knew the answer before her fingers made contact.

It was a strange emotion somewhere between surprise resignation when she wobbled onto a floor that was not marble and found her eyes darting around a room that was not the steak house. 

Pressing against the mirror desperately, she confirmed what a large part of her had assumed. There was no give to the mirror, apparently no way back from the time being. Was she even still in Gangnam?

Her senses were feeding her all kinds of information, and frankly, it was starting to overwhelm her. The raw scents of sweat, male musk, and ammonia could only mean one thing, and it was further proven when she peered around the blind corner of a painted brick wall, only to see two people exercising. 

Well, one was doing stretches, and with the way he hopped up, he had just finished. An older man in a tank top and sweats had pads strapped to his hands, and Y/N watched closely, not even daring to breathe, as the younger man sat down and laced boxing gloves onto his taped hands. 

He stood up, and who she assumed was his trainer got into a defensive stance while the younger man hopped around nimbly. Y/N watched, wide-eyed as they began to train, the guy in the black hoodie practicing blocking, jabbing and dodging.

 It was clear he had put a lot of dedication into this. Y/N was never much of a sports person, but she knew the result of hard-work when she saw it. His moves were fluid, and instead of slowing down, they got quicker the more he went at it. 

Somehow, it never felt like a good time to draw their attention to herself, go wobbling over in her dinner attire, and ask for directions back to the High Tower SteakHouse. She had a few other options, of course, like calling Binna. Or maybe Chin-Mae…but how did she explain it? 

She had gone to the restroom for a few minutes and wound up in a completely different location without leaving the restaurant?! Then again, it meant they would really have no choice but to believe her. 

It was impossible for her to have gone anywhere far when they all saw her leave for the bathroom. Maybe she could sneak out while they were distracted and then call when she was outside the gym, not standing around all conspicuous.

Y/N was weighing the merits of her plan when she heard an excited yell, whipping her head around and watching the trainer give his client a few congratulatory pats on the back, apparently satisfied with the work he’d put in for the day. 

They began speaking lowly to themselves, and Y/N paled when she noticed the only door out of the room she could spot was behind them…. The corner she was standing behind seemed to be where the water fountains and locker rooms were located. 

Hiding out in there was another option, but it didn’t exactly appeal when she would have to keep checking to see when the gym was empty. Right now it was just the two of them, but what if more people came in? 

They’d have questions about someone being dressed like she was, right? Then again she could also be found out just staying put where she was. Ugh…it was beyond frustrating. 

Her luck was completely shot, huh?

A little hope returned when the trainer waved at the young man and then began heading for the exit. She assumed they were done for the day, and the second guy would be done soon too. But not so, because then she’d actually be lucky. 

As soon as his trainer had cleared the room, he gave a loud sigh, beginning to shimmy out of his hoodie. Y/N didn’t think she was close enough to make the door in the small moment he had his vision obstructed, but she was close enough to get an eyeful.

 If his training earlier hadn’t tipped her off that he was dedicated, his physique would have. He was all hard lines, though the minuscule glimpse of a thin waist when his shirt rode up with his hoodie was impressive too.

 She could see a full sleeve of tattoos decorating one arm, and coupled with his longish two-toned hair, a deep brown that gave way to a raging red, he was kind of…hard to look at. Distracting in a way she didn’t anticipate. She didn’t get distracted, not usually.  

He, on the other hand, got straight to business. Oblivious of her presence, he walked right over to the large, hanging punching bag and began to hit it. But he wasn’t just hitting it. Again, Y/N was no boxing aficionado, but she knew he knew what he was doing. 

His strikes were always controlled, his breathing never ragged the way she could guess hers would be. He pivoted on his back foot, and she knew that the small movement put more power into his strikes.

 He was hitting the bag like it owed him money, grunting occasionally, the muscles in his arms and shoulders flexing in his t-shirt. At some point, Y/N figured he would stop. He would either head out the door, or into the locker room, and that was when she would flee. 

Hopefully, wherever the cruel cosmic entity that thought her life was a joke had dumped her, it wasn’t very far from the restaurant. Then again, shouldn’t she have gotten a worried text by now? 

She’d been gone for a while. Or, maybe Binna had actually come to check on her and seen that she had disappeared entirely. Y/N could imagine the freak out as Binna flailed her way back to the table and informed Min Su and Chin-Mae that somehow, someway, she’d been kidnapped. 

What was her life lately, she thought miserably. With nothing to really do but scroll her phone or continue to watch the mystery man go at it, she turned to checking what news was trending for the day. Normally, she at least kept up with news involving the business world, if nothing else.

 The celebrity gossip blogs she left to Binna, BTS investment notwithstanding. Stocks were up at several companies she had an interest in working at after graduation—assuming she made it with her life in chaos lately—so that was good.

 A CEO had resigned from his post at a company she had almost interned at but decided not to at the last minute off a strange feeling. Some scandal involving embezzlement. So she dodged a bullet there.

 And, lastly, BTS’ Jungkook had endorsed some new sports brand, and now merchandise was selling out faster than it could be restocked. The article included a picture of Jungkook, posing in shorts and a t-shirt next to a mountain of different athletic gear for various sports. 

Wait. Y/N could have swallowed her tongue. Wait. That man, the man in the picture and the one boxing…were the same person?!

Feeling like she may just be sick, Y/N did a quick check, and really took in the boxer. That was undoubtedly the idol pictured in the article. 

Not only was she going to jail for assaulting one BTS member (albeit on accident) a fact that she had managed to forget up until that moment, she got pulled back into the same thing that got her in trouble before, and ended up crossing paths with another one?! 

Once it came out what happened between her and Park Jimin, there was no possible way people would believe she wasn’t a sasaeng. The circumstantial evidence just kept getting more and more damning. 

Jungkook. Jungkook. What did she know about Jungkook? Admittedly not much, considering all her focus had really been on Jimin for obvious reasons. She knew…that Binna said he was the youngest in the boy group. He was multitalented, and here her friend swore she wasn’t exaggerating or anything.

 According to her, he was like some kind of Barbie of idols, he could do it all. Those weren’t her exact words, but it was the gist. Jungkook also had a habit of being a little shy around members of the opposite sex, or so it was claimed. 

Y/N personally had always thought all idols had to be manufacturing some parts of their personalities for public consumption. Who knew which parts? None of the scraps of information she had been fed told her anything about whether he was liable to press charges for stalking him or not.

Then again, he was an idol, and knowing that, Y/N had to assume he had gone out of his way to book private gym time, hence why the spacious work out room was empty save for him. Which meant him catching her was going to lead to a world of trouble. 

How good were her odds if she just booked it for the exit the minute he went back to the locker room? Or if he left, she’d wait a little bit to be sure he had cleared the building, then she’d leave too. Waiting…yep…that’s all she could do. If she wasn’t in a dress, and didn’t find the idea so dirty, she would slump over on the floor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook caught the punching bag as it swung back from his last strike, finally feeling satisfied with his boxing for the time being. His limbs had that good burn that he liked, and his heart rate was up, despite his controlled breathing. But he wasn’t ready to leave just yet, so he decided to switch from boxing to something new. After a break.

Unlacing his boxing gloves, he found his gym bag and rummaged inside for his water bottle. Sitting down on a mat, he took a few sips, trying not to gulp it down too fast. His bottle was empty in no time, despite his attempts at moderation, and refilling before he resumed working out didn’t seem like a bad idea. 

His footsteps echoing in the big empty gym was probably his imagination, but the weird sight when he rounded the corner? That he was pretty sure was real. Leaning against the wall, a woman…no, a girl, dressed up like she had somewhere important to be was nodding off. He froze, staring, all kinds of thoughts flying through his head. 

Who was she? How’d she get in? When did she get in? Was she dangerous? Did he need to call for back up? Jungkook had purposely began training at this gym because it was exclusive. As his fame had grown, unfortunately he had to stop using more easy to find public gyms.

 The one at HYBE was an option, but sometimes he wanted something…quieter. Trainees who came in meant well, and they tried to be respectful besides giving him friendly greetings, but they couldn’t help but gawk, and that made it awkward when he was trying to get in the zone. Here, he had thought, was perfect.

But maybe he was rushing to conclusions. He didn’t know anything about the situation besides a girl in a nice dress was falling asleep by the water fountains while standing up. Her head slumped forward, then snapped up quickly as she jolted awake, eyes wide and alert. 

That was when they locked gazes, and his loose, sore muscles tensed right up. She, on the other hand, curled away like she was facing a thug in an alley. It was bemusing; yeah he’d bulked up a lot in the last several years after he got serious about training. Jungkook never considered himself all that intimidating, though. 

“Are you… staff?” he asked, since it didn’t seem like she was going to speak up first. Not with the way she kept looking like the guillotine was coming down on her head any moment. 

It took a reasonably long time for her to compose herself and answer, which was another pretty big tip off that something was not right. He was ready to whip out his phone and call security. Or at least he would be, if he hadn’t put it on do not disturb and left it in his bag. 

“This is all a misunderstanding, really,” she warbled, her hands slapped the wall behind her like she was trying to steady herself. “I didn’t…I didn’t mean to be here.”

“What?” Jungkook was definitely growing suspicious. No one who wasn’t up to something just answered like that.

“I was just going to wait until you left and I guess I started to nod off…” she ran a shaky hand through her hair, disturbing it a little. “But really, please, if you’ll pretend you never saw me, I promise, I’ll be on my way.”

He backed away quickly as she lurched forward, but before he could tell her not to do anything funny, she bowed very formally, and the idol watched, perplexed. When he didn’t respond in any way, she resumed her upright position, then tried to brush by him with her head down. 

Though, when he noticed the phone clenched tight in her fist, he acted without thinking. Something his hyungs had told him to be careful of doing in the past. At least they weren’t around to scold him.

“Hey,” he seized her wrist, and she stopped in her tracks, though he wasn’t expecting her reaction at all. Her eyes took in the hand on her like she could just flay it off with the intensity of her stare alone, and then she met his eyes head-on, hers surprisingly stony. “Your phone…”

“What about it?” she tried tugging her hand away, but he wasn’t ready to let go just yet. Not until he got some answers. He liked this gym. He wanted to keep using this gym, and at the thought that his privacy was being invaded yet again, and he would have to find somewhere else, yet again, he was getting a little worked up. 

“That’s an Army phone, a Galaxy Z Flip 4: Army Edition.”

Her eyes widened, and then she scoffed, shaking her head. “Yeah, I guess you would know. But to tell you the truth, though I can admire your band’s marketability, this phone itself has been nothing but problems. This is just the latest one. Now, please, let go.” There was some bite in her tone now, her voice surprisingly stern. 

When she tugged again, he acquiesced, something she probably didn’t expect, since she stumbled before catching herself. And when she felt her cellphone tugged right out of her hand? She rounded on him, scowling. “That belongs to me.” She held her hand out, clearly expecting it back.

“Why are you here? This is a private gym, and you don’t sound like you’re staff.”

She snatched for the phone, but he held it away, using his speed to his advantage. “Are you Army?”

“What? No,” she sounded offended by the notion, which in turn offended him. Then again, a true Army wouldn’t do this to him. Wouldn’t invade his space. “And what does that matter?”

“You’re not Army but you’ve got a phone that’s a rare exclusive. Only Army would want to own something like this. And if you’d go this far, you might be a sasaeng.” 

Here, she did pause in trying to retrieve her phone, a bit red in the face under her makeup. “Please, between my class schedule and internship, who would even have the time? The people who think stalking and harassing idols is worth jeopardizing their future for really need…” Surprisingly, the girl tried to jump for the phone like she wasn’t in heels, but he held it above his head, which meant it was way above hers, “…a hobby!”

“So I won’t find pictures you secretly took on this?” Jungkook squinted, not convinced. 

“No!” She hissed, jumping again, “Now who’s invading whose privacy, you…you muscle-headed, bunny-eyed brute!” 

He was so taken aback, he faltered, and with one last pounce, the mystery girl had snatched the phone, though not without a cost.

 Before she could even yell out in triumph, her heel wobbled and her foot rolled. Jungkook watched in slow motion, wincing in automatic sympathy as she went down. 

Time sped up as she cried out, on the ground and clutching her ankle in a dress too nice to be touching the bare gym floor. He stood over her, carefully watching her face at first. He could tell she was in pain, but attempting not to show the extent.

 Something about that alone…took him back to his early days. A wave of nostalgia he didn’t want to feel washed over him. He would hide his exhaustion, sometimes even hide injuries sustained while on stage until the end of a performance, until he couldn’t hide it anymore, just to avoid worrying his hyungs.

 And when they caught him, like they inevitably always did, he’d cry, apologize, worry they would resent him. It didn’t make sense to everyone, probably only to those who had experience firsthand with the feeling. Not wanting to let others down, wanting to live up to everyone’s expectations, struggling with the fact that they were still human.

The girl gingerly tried to shift her injured ankle, and that alone seemed to send a fresh wave of pain throbbing through it. With the way she bit her lip and clenched her eyes to stifle the cry he could just tell. 

And even though Jungkook had been concerned about a million things regarding her appearance, including that she might be another delusional ‘fan’, no one could fake pain that expertly. Plus, she’d have to be some actress to make her ankle swell on command.

 It was probably stupid of him to drop his guard, even for a second, but he found himself dropping to his knees, almost reaching out, and then hesitating. She stared up at him through her lashes, her own eyes as guarded as his had been, but wavering as she focused on ignoring her obvious injury. “I need…I need to call my friend.”

Making up his mind, Jungkook loosely grasped her foot by the heel, ignoring her half-hearted attempts to swat his hand away. He extended her leg, careful not to hurt her as he manipulated her foot to get a better idea of how bad it was. “You rolled it pretty hard.” He finally concluded.

“Yeah, no kidding.” Jungkook briefly met eyes with her again, but she stubbornly looked away. “I wonder how that happened.”

Guilt hit him pretty fast. Yeah. Even if he thought she was an intruder, he should have just called security and let them handle it. They were never far, and there was no way she could have stopped him. Not by physically overpowering at least. 

“Hang on,” he told her, setting her foot down and getting back on his feet. “I can help.”

“That’s a nice gesture,” she ground out, failing to hide a wince, “But really, I have my phone, so I can just call my fri—” she grabbed it and opened it, only for her face to fall. “Really? Now?” He heard her grumble irritably.

Noticing his quizzical face, turned a blank screen to him. “It’s dead.” She deadpanned. 

“Okay, then let me help.”

Jungkook didn’t know this stranger by any stretch of the imagination, but he had anticipated what her response would be. It probably sounded something like “no”, since she seemed disinclined to take his help.

 Was she always like this, so stubborn? Was it some kind of pride thing? He had been there, too; his hyungs really had their hands full with him over the years, didn’t they? 

Retrieving the first aid kit Jimin had gifted him some time back, he made a brisk return to find the girl in much the same position he had left her, staring sulkily at her injured ankle. She looked up when he approached, but didn’t say a word. 

“You might have to take off your shoe.” he informed her.

He waited to get a response, the big plastic kit held by his side. Jungkook wondered if she just planned to ignore him, and if he should take her silence as consent and proceed, but that didn’t feel right. Finally, she mumbled, “…This is really happening…isn’t it?”

Nodding slowly, he popped the kit open and examined its contents, locating the roll of compression wrap. While he did that, he noticed her leaning forward, trying to unstrap her heel without moving in a way that would hurt her foot even more. 

Jungkook had never worn heels, but he always thought anyone who did without falling over must have some hidden talent. Hers weren’t as tall as some, but she was still plucking at the strap with building frustration. 

Guessing she wanted it over and done with just as bad as he did, the idol seized the heel of her foot again, bringing her leg out and reaching for the buckle himself.

If he expected a beaming smile and a grateful attitude, he’d be sorely mistaken. She gave him the stink eye. “I can do at least this much.”

“Maybe, but I can do it faster.” He shrugged, already loosening the heel and sliding it off while holding her foot steady. From so close, and without the shoe in the way, he could really see just how fast the ankle had discolored and swollen. Again, he wrestled with the guilt, absently reaching for the wrap. “So,” he began by holding her ankle at a ninety-degree angle, “Who are you? Because this doesn’t mean I forgot…”

“Believe me, I’m someone who doesn’t want to be here anymore than you want me to be here. I didn’t have a choice, not that you’d ever believe me…” she huffed. “But, because legal repercussions are probably unavoidable, I’ll start by being cooperative. Maybe when they review all this, that’ll work in my favor.” It sounded like she was talking to herself, not him, but then she cleared her throat and extended her hand. “My name is L/N Y/N.”

Jungkook didn’t expect such a strange introduction, and the attempt at a handshake reminded him of Namjoon-hyung. He grasped her palm very briefly, barely holding on to it long enough for their hands to go up and down, but she didn’t seem inclined to want to hold onto him either.

“Y/N…” he repeated. 

“As for what I’m doing here…well, again, it’s not something any sane person would believe.” She switched her focus to watching him meticulously wrap her ankle. It was pretty careful care for someone that could have been stalking him, but he had already started, and if he was going to do it, his sense of perfectionism said he had to do it right. 

“Are you…insane?”

“Excuse me?” She didn’t look very amused, but he guessed it wasn’t exactly a polite question.

“You said a sane person wouldn’t believe you…” he explained. 

“I am not insane,” Y/N rubbed a hand to her forehead. “I just feel like I am lately,” she whispered. “I was dining out with some friends, in the restaurant bathroom and then…”

Jungkook waited while he secured the wrap with some bandage clips and closed his first aid kit. “And then?”

“It’s going to sound insane,” she finished matter-of-factly, “You’re going to call me a liar and accuse me of stalking you, then we’ll be right back where we started.”

Jungkook was torn between still wanting to contact security, but also experiencing some curiosity he couldn’t quite tamp down. “Do you have proof?” It didn’t sound like she did. 

“Proof?” Y/N repeated, arching a brow as if he had just said something strange.

“You’re not even going to try to make me believe you?” he goaded. 

“Sure, help me up and I’ll hobble right over to the mirror. You’ll see exactly how I got here and this whole think’ll be cleared up just like that.” Her tone was so sugary the sarcasm was evident. 

Jungkook figured he had indulged this for this long…why not go all the way. Offering her a hand, he warned her to brace herself, and then pulled her up with ease. “Okay.”

“Okay?” She said warily, trying not to show him how much she was utilizing the wall for support. 

“Okay,” Jungkook nodded, “Show me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idols were weird. Y/N wasn’t sure if it was just the fact that they lived in a completely ‘different world’ from normal people or what, but she hadn’t expected her first extended run-in with some world-famous celebrity to go like this. 

Park Jimin was one thing; he’d been concussed, so that was enough to make him loopy. She hadn’t expected anything out of his mouth to make sense. But this guy, Jean Jungkook? 

Totally different. He wasn’t suffering a head injury, for one. And he had seemed angry at first, but still handled her appearance in much the same way a mean boy on the playground would in elementary school. Playing keep away with her phone, really?

He’d even treated her with decency when she tripped and sprained her ankle. God, that was yet another thing she was going to have to deal with. Sprained her ankle! Sprained! How was she supposed to get around campus quickly? It was huge. Though she supposed that wasn’t a concern at present. 

The idol’s strange demand was at the forefront of her mind, seeing as he was right behind her while she hobbled slowly to the mirror, her heel in one hand and her phone in the other. 

She must have looked like a suffering pigeon, doing a funny little hop. But she refused to let him touch her after she got her bearings. It was humiliating enough to have someone see her make a fool of herself and get injured to boot, idol or no idol. Well actually, his status made it even worse. 

And he was watching her oh so closely as she made it to the mirror, taking a deep breath and turned around to look at him with some difficulty. “Here it is.” She said flatly. “How I got in, and how I probably would be able to get out, if life felt like cutting me a break.”

He stepped around her, staring at her incredulously like she knew he would. She would look at herself that way in his position. Jungkook pressed against the mirror with the flat of his hand, one good time, as if to confirm it was solid. “You used the mirror? What, like magic? Like a drama?”

“You’re the one who said you wanted proof; I never said it would satisfy you.” she retorted. “I barely understand it myself, but what I’m saying is the only truth I have to cling to.” Her chin dipped, “No matter how implausible it is…” 

She knew she would get the same result he had when she pushed on the mirror, but as if to confirm her fate was truly sealed, Y/N tried anyway. When her hand went right through, the cool glass giving way to cool nothingness, she yelled, pitching forward.

Jungkook made a noise, something startled, and she glanced at him to confirm he was seeing what was happening. His bulging eyes made it evident that he was. Yes! Y/N jerked her arm away too fast, and in doing so almost fell back on her ass, if not for the lightning reflexes of the idol who moved to extend an arm around her waist.

 Y/N got her bearings, smoothed a hand over her shirt and her racing heart, and tried to hold back her tears. He could see. He could really see. The weeks of going crazy in silence, holding it all in, and someone else…could see.

“Your arm went through the glass,” he breathed.

“More than my arm’s gone through.” Y/N spoke with more confidence, now that there was no way he could deny it. “That’s…how I got here.”

The idol once again moved forward, pressing both hands against the mirror. Nothing. “How?” He wondered.

“I don’t know.” Y/N replied, “It’s been happening since…since I got this phone. So that’s my only theory, that the events are connected.” She held up the dead device and wiggled it around. “Not that that’s a story anyone would believe if I got caught breaking and entering.” 

The idol appeared to be thinking, worrying his lip piercing with his tongue, “Unless they saw it.”

Y/N squared her shoulders, eyeing him up and down. He fidgeted, looking small somehow, despite being fairly tall with a healthy amount of muscle. From close up it was even easier to see than watching him from behind the wall. 

“It might come as a surprise for you to know, not everyone would be as cavalier as you about all this. In fact, I’d go as far as saying your reaction was a bit…strange. Has anyone told you that you’re odd?”

  ‘Nice going, Y/N.’ She thought bitterly, ‘That was over the top blunt. You’re not trying to make an enemy out of the very first person to be witnessing the crazy with you.’

Luckily, the idol didn’t look overly offended. Jungkook pursed his lips, big eyes sheepish as he rubbed his head. “Uh-huh, my hyung.” he said thoughtfully.

“Well…” Y/N gestured vaguely. “Now that you’ve seen what I’ve seen, you know about as much as I do. Would it be too much trouble to ask if I could…go?” Pointing a thumb toward the mirror like she was about to miss her cab would seem dumb if he didn’t know. 

“Oh, right,” Jungkook’s tapped the mirror again. “You’re going back to where you came from.”

“Ideally,” Y/N frowned, “I’ve been gone a long time. There’s no way my friends aren’t concerned about that. And when they can’t find me who knows what they’ll think.”

Somewhat afraid the give they had both witnessed was a one-off, Y/N pressed her hand to the mirror once again, happy when it rippled and went right through. It might have been too late to salvage the evening with her friends, but at least she could salvage her reputation.

[metaphoricgibberish]

I’m having a really shit time

I know none of you give a fuck about my personal life, but honestly i’m just putting this here because I need to expel it and it’s too long for fucking twitter and i’ve already ranted enough to my friends.

I’m so fucking tired. I’m so fucking burnt out it’s honestly a miracle I haven’t been checked in somewhere yet. I’ve had a lot of bad years. I’ve survived a lot. But honestly I think this past year has been one of my worst, surely in the bottom five.

My health and anxiety have been a huge part of that. I’ve dealt with panic attacks since I was a teenager, but i’ve had more in the last year than I have over the rest of my years combined. I’m wearing a fucking heart monitor as I type this for fuck’s sake…

Work is truly the biggest trigger. I started working at frog design at the end of 2019, and I thought, truly thought, that I could stay there for the rest of my career. I loved it, I loved the people, I loved the work, I loved being surrounded by creativity and innovation and real fucking work that actually matters. But when frog got bought out by Capgemini in 2021 everything went to shit. I haven’t had a raise in three years. I make less than 30 dollars an hour, and I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I’ve been poor my whole life, this isn’t new to me, but with the amount of responsibility i’ve taken on, the amount of work i’ve put in, it is fucking despicable that I make as little as I do.

When I started at frog, I was an office coordinator. Now, not only am I still that, i’m also the event manager, as well as a part of the facilities team that manages the entire west coast. I step up whenever and wherever I can and I am given nothing in response to that effort. I managed the move of three offices into one giant space that capgemini and all its fucking subsidiaries are now required to work within together and I got absolutely zero credit for it.

There’s this fuck that I work with, this misogynistic shell of a man, who every day talks to and treats me like garbage. He’s undermined me, spoken to me like I am a child, blatantly told me that I am “far too down in the hierarchy of this company” to be able to talk to certain people. Meanwhile, this man pulls me into conference rooms multiple times a day to ask me to speak with frog management because he “can’t do it himself”. I held a pride event a couple weeks ago, part of which involved me doing an informative talk about the different pride flags, and he had the audacity (as an openly gay man) to shout out obscene and offensive stereotypes while I was trying to educate the rest of my colleagues. I don’t know what to do. I know that if I escalate this (which I can only do through HR as my manager is an incompetent moron who only calls me to bitch about her boyfriend) it will only make my situation worse. This man is an executive assistant to an asshole just as pompous as himself, and yet he somehow thinks he has jurisdiction over the entire office.

I have the biggest event of my career tomorrow. 500 external attendees. I’ve tried to manage the entire thing myself, but with the rest of my workload, I can only do so much. I know that it’s going to be a shitshow, and at this point, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Three weeks ago I worked seven hours overtime (at another event I managed with over 200 external attendees) and I did not get paid for a single minute of it. The same will be the case tomorrow.

All this is to say i’m tired. I’m so fucking tired I don’t know how I manage to wake up in the morning. To anyone in a similar position: I see you, I appreciate you, I recognize you.

I don’t think anyone is reading at this point, but if you somehow are, thank you. That’s more than can be said for anyone in my life outside of my therapist (god bless you Colleen).

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #253

Who was the last person you text messaged? Have you ever seen him/her cry? Mom, yes.

How far away is the person you love/like? He lives 30 minutes away.

Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? Yes, some hurricanes were pretty bad. Hurricane Floyd being the worst in my lifetime.

What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? BOJANGLE'S, HUNNY YOU AIN'T LIVED UNTIL YOU'VE HAD BOJANGLE'S FRIES

Do you believe one day aliens might take over Planet Earth? Eh, I believe in aliens, but I don't believe this is a goal of theirs. I'm more afraid of AI doing this. I recently learned about AI tricking humans into solving a CAPTCHA test for it and that shit scared me lmao.

Do you like soda pop? If so, which is your favorite and least favorite? I fucking love soda, favorite is Mountain Dew Voltage. I don't really like root beer.

When was the last time you painted a picture? Years ago, for Sara.

What kind of stuff do you like on your hot dogs? Just ketchup and mustard, mainly. I don't mind a little bit of finely diced onion.

Has someone seen you naked in the past month? My mom.

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? lmfao who the fuck actually cares???????????????? get your damn tongue pierced

Would you ever donate blood? I've done it twice and would do it again.

What are you listening to? "Call Me Little Sunshine" by Ghost.

Do you have any pictures of celebs saved to your computer? ... *hides my Rammstein folder*

Do you find hands attractive? Some, yeah.

If your mom was a teacher, would you want to be in her class? My mom was an assistant and substitute and she did sub in my class before lol.

As a kid, did you love playing on Neopets? Sure did.

Would you ever get a pet turtle? Why or why not? Nah, I'm just not invested enough in the idea of a pet turtle. I love turtles, just don't want one.

Have you ever been told you were a good writer? Yes, this has been one of the most common compliments in my life.

Is the last person of the opposite sex you texted single? My dad is married.

Which Scooby-Doo character are you most like (Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred, Velma, the monster, Scrappy?) Velma. I can't see without my glasses.

What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God? I used to believe a shitload of dumbass shit for him.

The last piece of roadkill you saw, what kind of animal was it? An opossum, I think.

Has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? Technically.

What would you do if your ex contacted you? THE ex? I don't know. I'd want to apologize to him at least, but I never want to be in steady contact again.

Have you ever asked someone out? Yes, more than once.

Is the last person you kissed a virgin? No.

What was the last zoo/aquarium you went to? The Aloha Zoo with Girt.

How did you meet the person you fell hardest for? School.

What was your favourite thing about the person you fell hardest for? He had no shame in being himself. He was very unique and charismatic.

What was your worst fear as a child? Have you overcome that fear? Tornadoes. I'm still very scared of them, but not like I was as a kid. I used to have full-blown panic attacks during stronger thunderstorms because I'd be convinced a tornado was gonna happen.

Have you ever been the victim of a crime? Yes.

Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? Steve Irwin, Jeff Corwin, Jane Goodall.

Does it snow where you live? Rarely, and even more rarely is anything considerable.

What’s one thing that most people complain about that you love? The cold. Like yeah, I can get too cold too, but I strongly prefer the cold over the heat.

What was the last room you worked on cleaning? My bedroom.

Was the last movie you watched a horror film? No, the last movie I saw was Mufasa: The Lion King. Definitely not horror lol.

Have you ever spent the night in jail? No.

Do you have a leather jacket? No, but I have ALWAYS wanted a spiked leather jacket since like, middle school. :((((

Do you think facial hair is gross? No?

Are you afraid of airplane rides? To a degree, but it's mild.

If you’re reading a book, what page are you currently on? I don't know, very early in.

Do you have Netflix? We do.

Have you ever complained to a manager about anything? What was it? No.

Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious? Absolutely not, I could not manage.

Do you dye your hair? Occasionally; really, when we can afford it. I would like to dye it again, however I'm being responsible and letting my hair heal after a very aggressive treatment to get it to the pastel lilac I wanted.

Do you shave? If so, how often? I shave my armpits, chin, and upper lip every time I shower.

What is the best thing you can cook? Nothing, I really can't cook.

Do you chew straws? No.

Who was the last person you saw who wasn’t family? What did you guys end up doing together? My boyfriend. We watched some of the new season of Squid Game.

Do you prefer hot or cold drinks overall? Cold.

How old were you when you first had a sleepover at someone’s house? Did you miss home? So I was late to this due to extreme separation anxiety from my mom. It took me time to be willing to try, and then when I started trying, I would always wake my friend's mom up in the middle of the night to call my mom and come get me.

Are you a fan of hot chocolate? Do you like it plain or do you prefer to add things like whipped cream or marshmallows? I love hot chocolate made with milk, plain. I hate the texture of whipped cream and also of marshmallows as it starts dissolving in the chocolate.

What caused your last injury? I'm in the process of healing from a WICKED infection I got following a root canal. Long story, but it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

Would you rather order a starter (appetizer) or a dessert? Or would you be able to manage a full three courses? Of the two, usually appetizer.

Did anyone comfort you the last time you cried? What was your reason for crying? Yes; my mom. It was the night my tooth pain from that infection was the worst, absolute 10/10 pain.

What if you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We literally just wouldn't, I'd have an abortion as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

What’s the weirdest dream you can ever recall having? It involved a talking toilet saying hello and goodbye to me lmfao

Is there anyone that likes you, other than the person you love/like/are with? Not that I know of.

What was the last thing you spilled on yourself? Water. I have a habit of sometimes tipping my water bottle back too far and spilling some on myself.

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? No.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) My only lucid dream was about sleeping w/ Markiplier y'all 😭😭😭

Do you like The Hunger Games? First book is great; movie is nice, too. Haven't read/seen beyond that.

What do you do when you go to the beach? Mostly swim. I'll also sit under whatever shade we have available, watch the water, snack. Talk with company. Look for shells and stuff.

How many pillows are on your bed? Four; two for me, two for Girt when he's here.

Does it make you cringe when people pop their knuckles? YES. Girt does this (to more than just his knuckles) and I unwillingly freak out every time.

Do you like pickles? I only like dill pickles.

Do you respect authority? Meh, depends.

Have you ever had hair extensions? No.

What was the last paper you wrote about? Toxic masculinity. It was my favorite essay I've ever written and it was used as an example for that teacher's next semester.

What was the last book you read? I'm finally starting Watership Down by Richard Adams. I know it's an animal fantasy classic, so about time.

Did you ever own a classic Nintendo? No, just GameBoy and DS.

How many ringtones have you downloaded for your phone? Zero, for the phone I have now.

Have you ever had plastic surgery? No.

What’s your favorite kind of donut? Just glazed or chocolate frosted. No sprinkles.

Do you like hearing white noise while you sleep? Yes.

Do you like going to the zoo? GOOD zoos, yes.

Have you ever milked a cow? No.

Have you ever used a slingshot? Not sure.

Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we’re basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? This is actually my favorite conspiracy theory, but I don't *actually* believe in it. At the same time though, I wouldn't be shocked.

Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? My mom; my dad.

[lifblogs]

🖤🎂🎧📝🫐🪻 <3

Omg, thanks for sending this ask!

🖤 Favorite hobbies outside of your blog?

I’m a housebound nerd. It’s reading and watching TV for me! I’ve also gotten back into listening to music, which doesn’t always work out because of my TBI (sometimes makes me sick, and causes pain). Does being a cat mom count? Sometimes I’ll be on mommy duty for a couple hours a day, and I love it.

🎂 When is your birthday?

April 3rd!

🎧 Last song you listened to?

“Ahsoka - End Credits” composed by Kevin Kiner for Ahsoka.

📝 Last thing you wrote?

This. Ironically, I wrote it the night before I hit my head. :( *sigh* At least this idea is finally started, at least.)

🫐 Some place you’d love to visit?

New Zealand! Someone take me to the Shire. Also Alaska; Lyons, France (actually lots of places in France); Iceland, England, China (probably somewhere rural, like any of the mountains, or maybe Henan Province); and the Great Lakes.

🪻 What is the toughest thing you had to go through, but can you’ve successfully overcome?

‼️WARNING FOR SEVERE ANIMAL ILLNESS.‼️

Maybe some people won’t like this answer, but I’m not sure humans actually overcome hardship. What we do do is change. We adapt. It’s what we’re good at even while we hate it. So with that said, I… actually have a hard time choosing because my life has been filled with tough moments that I’ve had to work through in order to keep living. So many, to the point of even surprising a few mental health specialists. I’m sure my answer for this will be different every day, but right now I want to say seeing Loki have his first seizure and having to take him to the hospital while I unknowingly had a broken leg. I had a panic attack when I saw his seizure and how distressed he was, I saw my life literally crumbling around me. Finding out this will eventually kill him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to acknowledge. And hearing that his bloodwork showed he was in pain from the seizure— That was one of the worst nights of my life. I didn’t sleep at all, and I was sick from my IBS and migraines and fibro because of it, and I just cried and cried. And then I went to physical therapy while he was still at the hospital, like my life was normal. We took him home that day and already his life was different, mine was different. Yet I swear I love him more every single day. I’m scarred, and I’m absolutely terrified about his future, and I’ve had to watch him have almost a hundred seizures since then. Yet I make myself as excited as possible every time I see him. I play with him as much as I can, I shower him in kisses, and cuddles, and love. I keep living with him as my baby. I cry sometimes when he’s sick, but I pull myself together for his sake. And I’ll be honest, I have no idea how I’m still here, but I am, and I think it’s for him despite the pain. So I never really overcame anything. I adapted. Loki adapted. He’s my baby, no matter what comes his way.

[josad-irl]

My burden and well maybe first and last post

welp, worth a try

Hi, I'm "J", 23 yo.

Guess this might be worth a try since I'm running out of options.

Background info: I have heavy depression, and got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder with a strong tendency towards BPD (Borderline). I never had consistent suicidal thoughts. They came impulsive during high trigger situations a few times.

Just half a year ago I had the best time of my life. I was clean from my 1 1/2 year long addiction to drugs. I had the best gf I could have ever wished for. I had fun at Uni. I had good friends. I was happy. Or so I thought. My BPD kept making the relationship go into a crisis. My gf had ADHD and quiet-borderline was to be diagnosed. But I never found out til this day if she actually has it. Well, now I don't have a gf, lost most of my friends, my heavy depression is back and either my emotions aren't available for weeks or they come back like a train hitting me straight on and make me cry and brake down into panic attacks multiple times daily. I can't sleep. I don't feel happiness. I cannot enjoy a single thing. I either eat too much at once or not at all. After the break up I got sent into a prison-like psychiatric clinic for 3 nights. It was the worst time of my life. I never before have truly felt the way I did back then. That is almost 3 months ago now. Afterwards got a place in a clinic for mental health which was rlly nice tbh. I had a nice room. Nice ppl. Got a nice therapist. After a few weeks therapy finally started to help and I felt emotionally more stable after my 2 months stay. Now I am "free" again. Two weeks have passed. I can't stop thinking about my ex and the friends who were in the same circle. They all keep in contact with her, but they never once came to visit me or texted me during my stay in the clinic. Not once. In two months. I had to text them. Now they all barely answer to my texts. I do still have some rlly good friends left. But somehow I can't get over the things I have lost. And I am still desperately in love with my ex partner. She was the best person I have ever met. But she has blocked me everywhere. My emotions were gone for the last 2 weeks of my stay in the clinic. They came back a week ago. Well rather they came back on my birthday. When the hope had rissen up that my ex would text me. But no, nothing. During my stay in the clinic we had an on/off thing. We met, we slept with each other. But suddenly she cut me off completely saying it over for ever. She realised we weren't good for each other and that was it. Well, my opinion was that we could heal through therapeutic help and try it again. But she never answer to that. That was the moment I went into shock and kinda lost all my emotions. As I said, these came back on my bday. Especially the last hour of it. I had a huge panic attack and a gigantic borderline trigger, where it felt like i was going insane. I tried to desperately contact her. But she blocked me off even in the last possible way I had to get into contact. She saw my calls, but she cut them off. That was it. My emotions finally got broken. Now i am sitting here and contemplating if its worth living, when my only two choices are being emotionally unavailable and basically just acting under a facade or to be emotionally broken and depressed to an extent where I am pretty close to taking my own life. I tried before but got stopped. I think this might be the time where I'll get it over with. Well. If neither a clinic, nor meds, nor my mum and not even my good friends can stop me from feeling and thinking this way...who can? Will this ever stop? I have been depressive for years. 4, maybe 5 years. My BPD is hindering my emotional stability. I don't know what to do. I think live is beautiful. And I know people can heal. I know time can heal. I know I should just cut contact and concentrate on the things I have. I learned so much in the clinic. I know others would take this opportunity to heal. Other ppl are strong. But I don't think I can. I am scared of myself. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of what anyone says. I am scared of what anyone thinks. I am scared of what I think. I am scared of what I can do. I am scared of what I could become. I am scared. I am broken. My trust is broken. My emotions are broken. And I have seen better days in these dark times. But they were always overshadowed. I give up. Maybe. Well....

"X", I love you. I hope you are able to heal. I hope you got the help you needed. I hope you will find the happiness that you deserve. You were the first person in my life that I could be myself around completely. The first person I ever truly loved. You helped me through heavy depression, addiction and pain. Now I hope you get the help you need and never have to feel the way I did or now do. I wish you all the best.

To anyone reading this: I hope your are having it better than me. I know this sounds weird for me to say, but... if your are going through somethings, ask for help. Someone will help. There is nothing more important than your mental health. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever challenges your are facing <3

If this isn't my last post, then something must have happened and well..I'll post an update then.

Maybe goodbye, maybe not.

J

[leighdoesitall]

I'm going to use this account to chronicle my ongoing physical and mental health battle in hopes that journaling about it will make it easier for me to track progress and notice patterns.

Last year, I decided that I was finally going to travel. The lockdowns had made me realize that life can be short, and I shouldn't let my mental health control my every step in life.

Starting last February, I went to London to meet friends and see ATEEZ. Then I went to New Orleans for VueConf. Finally, I went to Amsterdam with my partner to attend CSS Day.

I'm really proud of myself for pushing myself outside of my comfort zone to do these things. I met so many incredible people, saw beautiful sights, and experienced so much more than I ever thought I'd be brave enough to do.

That's when it started, though. Another major depressive episode. I learned during my trips that my severe health anxiety hadn't gone away... It was just in hiding.

Every single day that I was away from home, I had non-stop panic attacks. The only thing that stopped them was Ativan. But as a member of a family full of addicts, and a person with health anxiety, taking a med like that was very uncomfortable for me.

Coming home from that hit me like a truck. The depression was bad this time. I've had two major depressive episodes on my life, and I could tell this one was shaping up to be the worst one yet.

I went to my PCP to ask about Lexapro. It's the only SSRI I can recall standing when I tried psych meds as a kid. God, that was awful. Trying meds when I was young was one of the scariest things I've ever encountered. I should've known this wasn't going to go well.

The worst part of the Lexapro was, by far, the first 2 weeks. If a doctor tries to reassure you by telling you that you most likely won't have side effects, just know that's statistically untrue. I had severe depression, panic, nausea, dilated puppies, and other strange symptoms like not being able to listen to music, barely recognizing myself in the mirror, and an overall disconnect from reality.

Spoiler Alert: This will be a common thread in my medication journey.

After 6 weeks, things finally leveled out. I went from 5 to 10 to 20 mg. Each time I bumped it up, those same side effects occurred.

When things chilled out, this was one of the best times of my life. For the first time ever, there was no hypervigilance. No agoraphobia. No weirdness around food, sex, my health, or all the other idiosyncracies that made my life unbearable for so long.

For the first time ever, I didn't feel the void that is almost always present inside of me.

I did start presenting with what seemed like hypomanic episodes. Sudden bursts of insane excitement, unbearable desires to do spontaneous things that made no sense at all. No sleep, general obsessing over hobbies and tasks that I previously didn't really think all that much about.

During these periods, I bought a dog. I traveled across my state multiple times to look at $3000+ cats and would've bought them too if my partner didn't help chill me out. I sold our house.

My doctor added a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) to the mix. It helped these episodes. I haven't had one ever since.

I noticed something strange about 8 months in on the Lexapro. I felt great all the time. Life was so much easier. So carefree. So easy.

But I did NOTHING.

I didn't want to write. I didn't want to read. No video games. No movies.

I became a bit of a smiling, happy clay figure that could be posed but couldn't move on my own to do anything.

All I did was go to work, take a nap, have dinner, take a nap, hang out with my partner, then go to bed.

I had no desire to learn, to play, to create, to adventure.

I was a shell.

At this point, I finally got into a psychiatrist. That's its own awful story that I'll tell at another time, but right now...

The doctor suggested adding Wellbutrin which I tolerated very well. So well, in fact, that it reminded me of my long standing ADHD-I diagnosis that I had been ignoring. Didn't help with my depression, but it certainly helped with my executive function.

We decided to switch antidepressants. This is a long process. Weaning off SSRIs could be worse, but it certainly wasn't fun. I suffered increased PTSD symptoms, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, nausea, migraines. The whole shebang.

Eventually, we added in Zoloft.

I didn't let this one last as long as Lexapro. Less start up pains but I certainly wasn't happy after 8 weeks and I was already feeling that familiar NOTHING that made Lexapro unbearable for me.

We decided to give Prozac a try. From my childhood, we know I don't tolerate SNRIs well. So this was our last option for now. I'm fucking tired. My brain and body hurt. I need to recalibrate.

Prozac didn't last more than two weeks. This was just three weeks ago actually.

It was BAD. I thought I was going to die. My most responsed worse than ever and so did just my mind.

I'm lucky I have a loving partner and a good life. I'm so lucky I have years of therapy and a current therapist that kept me safe during this time.

Medication is for a lot of people and can save lives.

Not mine, though.

I almost lost mine.

I don't want to dwell on it too much. My therapist advocated for me and convinced my psych to let me go off all meds except Wellbutrin.

I feel more like myself than I have in a year and a half.

I'm mostly relieved. But I'm also scared for the future. And I feel weirdly ashamed that I couldn't tough it out on the medication route

The thing is...I have CPTSD. That is one definite thing. I have severe health anxiety. I know this for sure. Everything else is up in the air from a diagnosis perspective. It'll be good to go med free for a while to get a baseline for who I really am at this point.

On another note... My therapist started tracking my moods and it became apparent to her very quickly that my cycles have very definite effects on my emotions.

I got in with her referred gyno and I immediately got a PMDD diagnosis. More than that, with my physical symptoms, she is almost positive I have Endo which could be impacting my mental and physical state.

She wants me to start Norethindrone soon for 3 months to see if it helps. I'll do a separate post on this soon.

These posts are just for me, but I will tag them in case they are helpful for anyone. I'll discuss my physical and mental health as well health anxiety, food, and ADHD ideas.

I hope this helps me manage my thoughts. Having grown up in a very scary environment that has permanently altered how I navigate the world, I can only compare my experience with medications to that time. I felt isolated, scared, sick, tired, and completely and utterly unlistened to even when I felt like I was screaming for help.

This won't be easy, but we'll keep fighting. I love myself past, present, and future and I plan to protect Leigh with everything I have.

ODAAT

[portnewickmystery]

Exclusive interview with Margaret Johansson.

Below is a copy of an exclusive interview with former resident and relative to one of the missing, Margaret Johansson, recounting her experience following the events of October 21st, 1993.

Nadine: “Margaret, could you tell me how you first came to learn about what happened that day? You mentioned you were away at the time…”

Margaret (nodding): “That’s right. At my sister, Jeannie’s. I’d been staying with her to help out while she tended to Ben—that’s her husband. He had the cancer. Pancreatic. Terrible thing.”

Nadine: “Mind if I ask who called you?”

Margaret (chuckling): “Oh, honey; weren’t no phone call. I found out the same way everybody else did—on the news. It’s strange, you know… seeing your home reduced to a single point in time like that. People nowadays only ever want to talk about what happened. They forget there was a life there before all that.”

Nadine: “That must have been very difficult for you.”

Margaret: “Yes—and no. I hear a lot of the others talking about how difficult it was for them, how the worst part was the ‘not-knowing’. But I tell you, I saw that TV and I just knew.”

Nadine: “Knew?”

Margaret: “That he was gone. I don’t believe in any of that ‘telepathy’ mumbo-jumbo, but I think when two people have spent their entire lives together like Manni and I, when one of them goes, the other just… feels it. You know?”

Nadine: “Sure.”

Margaret: “Of course, that isn’t to say I didn’t still try to call. Hell, I called just about everybody. Hoping to prove myself wrong. Wishing I was wrong.”

Nadine: “You know, one of the things I think often gets overlooked during these conversations is the fact it wasn’t just family people lost. A lot of them lost their homes, too. Can I ask what that process was like for you?”

(Margaret thinks a moment before responding.)

Margaret: “Well, there was a lot of uncertainty in those early days—that’s for sure. I suppose the government did about as good a job as could be expected, given the circumstances.”

Nadine: “You’re talking about Project Haven?”

Margaret (nodding): “That was the government’s name for it, yes. The ‘initiative to find temporary housing for all those displaced by the event’.”

Nadine: “Did they ever reach out to you?”

Margaret: “Sure did. But Jeannie wouldn’t hear of it; what with her being the ‘older sister’ and all. Plus, she still needed help with Ben, so…”

Nadine: “So you moved in?”

Margaret: “That’s right. When Ben went in January, in a weird way, it was kind of like fate; two sisters, both recently having lost their husbands. We were like each other’s carers. Until she got sick too, that is—this was in ’97. Same cancer, too—can you believe that?”

Nadine: “I’m so sorry.”

Margaret (shrugging): “That’s life, isn’t it? I was pretty worried, at first. I mean, Jeannie had left me the house, so I knew I wasn’t going to be homeless. But the government had stopped their monthly stipends by this point, and it was still another year or so until I could declare Manni legally dead and collect his life insurance, and just the thought of going back to work gave me panic attacks…”

Nadine: “Sounds rough.”

Margaret (scoffing): “Right? The worst part was the loneliness. I would just walk around the house all day like a sad ghost. Jeannie’s place is just down from Bolinas Beach, literally right on the water, and most days I would just sit out there on the porch and watch the waves rolling in. I suppose looking back I was probably depressed—which is hardly surprising, given everything that had happened. Anyway, right around then’s when I started to get the feeling.”

Nadine: “The feeling?”

Margaret: “I don’t know how to explain it, exactly. I'd just be walking around the house, and suddenly there’d be this feeling, you know? Not of being watched. More like a… presence. And I knew that it was Manni.”

Nadine: “You mean…”

Margaret (chuckling): “Not like a ghost, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m not so sure I believe in all that. It was just his presence. The sense of him… it was everywhere. Hell, half the time I’d expect to come downstairs in the morning and find him sitting right there at the counter; that’s how strong it was. I thought I was losing my mind. Until the gifts, anyway.”

Nadine: “Gifts? What do you mean by that?”

Margaret: “They started in the August. I’d find them on the porch; little seashells and other ocean trinkets, all stacked in a pile. At first I thought maybe it was an animal or something—a bird maybe. But the way they were arranged… it felt, I don’t know, purposeful. Like somebody trying to send me a message.”

Nadine: “You mean Manni.”

Margaret: “Right. Every morning for months, I’d open the front door and there they’d be. Just lots of little piles.”

Nadine: “So, back in December, what you said to The Daily Chronicle…”

Margaret (nodding): “Exactly. I’d heard the stories about what they say happened to everybody, how they’d all ‘walked into the sea’. I guess part of me was kind of hoping that was the case, after all. So, I set out to prove it to myself—or at the very least to prove I wasn’t going crazy. I bought cameras. I was determined to catch him in the act.”

Nadine: “And did you? Catch him, I mean?”

Margaret (shaking her head): “He’d move the cameras, or smash them. I tried waiting up, but he never came. It was like he knew. I got so angry; why was he hiding? It seemed so cruel, to make me believe he was still here, but never reveal himself. To keep himself hidden from me.”

Nadine: “Did you ever tell anybody about this?”

Margaret: “I thought about it. But I was worried if I did, he’d stop coming. And I couldn’t stand to be alone again. Not after everything. Anyway, one night I get fed up and just decide hell, if he isn’t going to come to me, I’ll just go to him, instead. So I throw on my robe and wade out into the water. It was storming out, a real typhoon, and I remember watching the streaks of lightning overhead as I took those first tentative steps into the Pacific, the frigid waves lapping at my bare ankles and making me gasp. Needless to say, I was pretty drunk. I almost always was in those days—but you probably guessed that already. Anyway, I wade in a little, then a little more, until all of a sudden it’s up to my thighs, and just as I’m thinking maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all, a wave comes out of nowhere and knocks me down. I try to push myself up, but I’m all turned around, on account of all the rolling and the darkness, and I remember thinking this is it, you know, this is how I’ll die. And do you know what? I was okay with it. I’m an old woman. I’ve had my time. So I continue to roll, and I guess at some point I must have blacked out, as next thing I know I’m waking up back on the couch at Jeannie’s, drenched to the bone. I sit up, look at the floor, which I see now is just one giant puddle. I follow it quickly outside to the porch, then down to the sand, where I see footprints leading back towards the ocean. I look out over the waves, and while I can’t be positive, I think I can just make out what looks like the shape of a man staring back at me from the water.”

Nadine: “Manni.”

Margaret (wiping away tears): “Yes.”

Nadine: “Not to be unkind, but are you sure you couldn’t have simply imagined it? It was dark, after all.”

Margaret: “Oh, sure. I could have. Grief plays tricks, after all. Really, I like to think it was his way of letting me know that everything was going to be all right, that I didn’t need to feel alone anymore.”

Nadine: “Do you still get gifts?”

Margaret: “Not so much these days. But I still feel him. He’s out there, my Manni. And I know that one day we’ll be together again.

[whythewords]

Saddle up

In the vain of the last post, is there a point in updating this anymore? I think I do it more for my own benefit because realistically the application of this whole thing is to get these thoughts onto a (digital) page. I've oftentimes in the last little while thought that I didn't have much to say, until I started saying it. Then it flowed out like water breaking through a dam.

Things are where they were, they're where I left them. I'm still trying to make moves to...well..move. I SAY I'm trying harder to make it happen this year, but realistically I've done a lot planning for the steps I should be taking and not actually taking said steps. I feel like I said something to that effect last time too...or maybe it was the time before that. It's all starting to run together.

Work has been kicking my ass the last few weeks. Again, something I feel like I've already asked but I guess it bares repeating: is it too early to be bitter? And maybe bitter is too strong a word. I contend in other discussions about this gig that my worst day is here is still better than my best day at the old job. I haven't had full-on panic attacks. I haven't had a day so shitty that all I wanted was the warmth of my home and for it still to be at least an hour out of my grasp...and be kinda shitty there too anyway. Well...I guess things are shitty at home now as well but for different reasons. But at least I'm close by.

That's the other thing. I know my folks mean well, but it's been increasingly tough lately. I went to see an old friend in Toronto and was riddled with texts and phone calls because I hadn't come home yet and it was late. 37 years old and being checked in on, helicopter parented by my 80 and almost 80 year old folks. I lost my damn mind and got into a huge blowout with my dad over it..and fuck even that...even that is some teenager bullshit. I just don't want any of it. I've been spending far less time with them and it's not too hard for them to notice when someone is avoiding them in their own home. My mom seems more understanding of my plight...my dad is the one who makes comments. Just moments ago he brought me a plate of fruit, admittedly a very sweet and homey gesture and something I would SURELY miss if I was off living on my own...and as he set it down he said "here, since you don't want to spend time with us anymore." The implication being that they were having fruit earlier while watching Jeopardy! which I used to watch with them pretty frequently, but I opted not to tonight. I bowed out of the tradition.

And you know what? He's fucking right. I DON'T want to spend time with them anymore. At least not right now. Not after spending almost 3 years with them beginning during one of the most truly shitty times in my life, and trying to claw my way back to some sense of normalcy and claim SOME semblance of the independence that one would think ought to be allotted to an employed, fairly intelligent 37 year old man. If I move far, mom already said they're gonna go where I go so I am going to keep seeing them frequently, but on my own terms and with the ability to retreat to my own space. And if they stay out here in Mississauga, I'm gonna be back out here visiting friends and family constantly anyway...and friends in Toronto, and friends in Guelph, and friends in Burlington....

And maybe a girl in Burlington? But let's not get our hopes up. Let's not do the same thing we do every single god damn time we get a little deep into these dating apps. So yeah, that happened again (against my better judgment.) I was seeing some old friends this past Friday night (those ones in Toronto, in fact) that I hadn't seen in a while. We were talking about dating and it came to light that couples in healthy (or I suppose unhealthy) relationships oftentimes have a weird FOMO about the dating apps and like to live vicariously through their single friends. I don't know if it's necessarily just FOMO or more of an "oh wow look at the freak show" mentality, but either way I said "fuck it" and decided to download the two apps I had profiles on so we could marvel at the state of dating right now all together. This is after I had pledged to myself and others that I would stay off that shit until I figure out this next chapter of my life. Now, in my defence...the alcohol was flowing...(one full beer on a half empty stomach, because that's all it takes for my old ass these days...I didn't say it was the best defence.) So I got out the phone and casted to their TV and we swiped and we laughed and we drank. One of the friends posited that we should get together again but go out to a bar instead and she would be my "wingwoman" and all that, and it all was very fun and light-hearted. But by the end of it, I did tell them both that there was a good chance these apps would be off my phone again in a couple of weeks.

Cut to the next day. Saturday morning. No big plans. A few matches. And now I'm in it. Halfway true to my word, I very quickly deleted one of the apps as there was absolutely no traction there, but there were a few light conversations happening on the other one. A couple of new matches over the course of the week, some conversations, and one in particular that quickly resulted in a date after just a few days of chatting. What's more, she was the one to ask me out which was a surprising and welcome change from the flakiness I'd experienced from the last couple of women I had "successful" meetups with on the apps. The date was fine. Simple. We had drinks and chatted and got to know each other a little better. We already have another one scheduled for next Tuesday. These should be good things...but I'm worried.

I'm worried about the hole I dug myself into after the last couple of connections I made on these apps. I'm worried that I felt so committed to NOT being on the apps while I figured the rest of my life out, that maybe that mentality is still lingering. I still have walls up. I had to really actually try to tell myself during the date to drop my guard a little bit. I told my friend this and he expressed concern that I shouldn't jump in if I don't feel ready...but I've BEEN doing this...I've BEEN ready. I think I'm ready just not nearly as...I don't know...hopeful? And that's sad. But I am willing, SO fucking willing to have my mind changed. So we'll see. Rolling with the punches is sort of the name of the game here. Don't wanna over-invest...don't wanna be aloof and dismissive. Just need to meet in the middle.

Maybe that improv class I've been taking will help with the dating thing and allow me some more unguarded spontaneity? Maybe I just needed a smooth transition into talking about the improv class. It has been a fucking blast, actually. I have looked forward to it every Tuesday and it's been a nice consistent routine and activity to get outta the house with. And tomorrow is the last session...(technically today because it is well past midnight and fuck I should be sleeping). I can't believe 8 weeks already passed. It fucking flew by. And I definitely think I wanna take the next class in the series or do an acting class at the theatre centre closer to me or just...something. I need another fun thing I can do for a little while to just get out of my same-ass routine.

This is all sort of reminiscent of my brief time in Toronto that I previously mentioned being nostalgic for. It was a rediscovery: Getting more involved in music, going out mid-week to just "check out the scene" as it was. Hell, that was my first experience on the dating apps as well. And that first part was fun...it was always fun until it wasn't. But I'm here now, and I'm trying again because I just might as fucking well right?

So here we go.

Back in the saddle.

[gay-kurapika]

I sort of hinted about it on here before but I honestly want to talk about the situation I'm in and the massive amount of stress it is putting me under. So right after I went through the worst period of my entire life with Jayne, where the abuse I was facing was too hard to deal with and I just couldn't emotionally take any more, I moved in with my parents. My dad has been abusive my entire life, but I thought it would be better than what I was going through at the time. But it was so much worse than what I thought it was going to be. Every single part of my freedom was stripped away. I didn't have a phone plan, and couldn't contact people without my parents knowing about it. My mother canceled my credit card without telling me and I could only make debit card purchases. I had to ask her for permission to buy tampons at first, because I didn't have any way to do so myself, I didn't have the money. The condo that I bought, that is in my name, was rented out without me seeing a penny of that money, and when I asked to go home I was told it had been rented out again without informing me. I have paid over $40,000 into this place, it is my house. It is where I plan to live for the rest of my life.

In the time I've lived with them I've been trying to reclaim my own life. I've made friends. I have a "secret" credit card and I'm rebuilding my credit from the ground up. And today I had a panic attack because I changed my phone plan out of one they had control over, and I was scared that my dad would see my phone in the mail and kick me out of the house for daring to take some control back for myself. My situation has been so unsafe for so long that I was scared about paying my own fucking phone bill.