#had a stressful day yesterday & my anxiety is still p high from it...

[pinayelf]

coping w anxiety by drawing hot men

[novantinuum]

Tides of Renewal (SU one-shot)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T (Mild TW for vague allusions to past suicidal thoughts.)

Words: 2500~

Summary: Now twenty years old and living on the other side of the country, Steven spends his morning relaxing on the beach, musing about his past, and having a chat with his dad.

Hi folks! This is actually my two-months-late “Happy Birthday, Steven” fic, ahah- amusingly, posted two months late to the day. I’m quite happy with how this short turned out.

If you read this and enjoy, I’d greatly appreciate your support through reblogs here, or kudos/comments on AO3 as well. AO3 link will be provided in the reblogs. Thank you! <3

____

Tides of Renewal

Steven rises alongside the sun, but not by choice.

As he abruptly stirs, jerking onto his side under his tangled blanket, he soon realizes that he has little lingering memory of the nightmare that shook him from his slumber. Nevertheless, his heart pounds so hard it feels like it’s hanging in his throat. There’s feelings, faint impressions— someone’s blood (his, or hers?), Connie’s screams, a bubble of terror boiling from within— but that’s all he’s left with. The young man clutches at his sheets, struggling to catch his breath as is the norm most mornings. Dim light sneaks in between the edges of the curtains, offering a rough estimate of the time.

Once it’s clear his chances of sleeping in have become null and void, he entices himself out of bed with the promise of buying himself a muffin at the local coffee shop later today, a birthday treat. His routine is sluggish, but precise. He uses the bathroom, throws on his swim trunks and a thin cotton shirt, downs the pills he forgot to take last night with a quick swig of water, carefully runs his fingers through his long curls to work out the tangles, and slips his feet into the flip flops he always leaves lying right at the foot of his bed.

The young adult only takes his guitar, phone, and keys with him as he walks the mile distance from his humble studio apartment to the public beach. Around him, the world is at peace. The only sound intermingling with the gentle ebb and flow of the Pacific at this hour of the morning is the chattering of puffins that nest on the large rock outcroppings in the tide pools nearby. The edge of his lip quirks up when he finally crosses that sacred boundary— the sidewalk meeting the shore— and removes his sandals, reveling in the satisfying, grainy texture of sand squishing between his toes. Hah... the beach. Funny, that. All his traveling these past years, from mountains, to prairies, to sprawling suburbs to wooded forest towns, and it only succeeded in deepening his childhood love for the familiarity of saltwater air and tourist-filled boardwalks. Still, the secluded, rustic charm of Haystack Cove is a far cry from the Beach City he grew up in. Different people, different sights, different types of seafood sold at the markets. This place feels like a home all his own, appropriately distant from the Gem influenced settlement he’d left behind.

He crosses the fine grained sands towards his favorite sitting spot, a hefty stone jutting out from the ground, its surface buffed to a glossy finish over the years by the high tides. The water’s still distant this early in the morning, glimmers of sunlight sparkling off of the foam and spray. Yawning, he plops himself down on the stone and lifts his guitar into his lap. He strums a few random chords as a warm-up before settling into an experimental melodic sequence.

As he plays, the early morning breeze teases at the ends of his shoulder-length hair, untied and let free in all its curly splendor. It’s still quite chilly, but with the sun peaking over the horizon behind him and not a cloud in sight, the air’s bound to heat up in no time. Steven inhales deeply, soaking in the salt and light and pushing away the shadows lurking at the periphery of his mind, that twitching, exhausting anxiety that never quite seems to leave him alone these days. Unfortunately, functional does not mean carefree. While far fewer in number then when he was a teen, he still runs into plenty of moments where he’s struck blind by particularly painful reminders of his past, his gem snapping into overdrive in an instant. He’s a bit better at coping in these moments now, and walking himself down from panic attacks, but deep-rooted traumas don’t simply melt away. With that in mind, at this point he suspects he’ll likely have to deal with a mixture of therapy and meds for the rest of his life. That’s fine, though. If that’s what it takes to be at peace. He’s thankfully reached a point in his recovery where he’s more than willing to work for it.

Startling him out of his roaming thoughts, his phone chimes to life, touting the same cheery ring tone he had as a kid. He gently sets his guitar down in the sand and fishes his cell phone out of his pocket, a silent bet as to who’s calling rising within his mind. Sure enough, his dad’s contact photo proudly greets him. Hah— he called it. Steven stifles a giggle as he hits accept and lifts the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Dad!”

“Hey, Schtu-ball!” his father chimes from the other side of the country, three hours ahead. He hears a faint shuffle over the line, and then the beginnings of guitar accompaniment as the man begins to sing:

“Happy birthday to you~!”

Dad ends the line with a resounding vibrato, and a few extra jazzy chords for good measure.

“Heh heh, thanks,” he says, bashfully blushing at the attention, and gazing across the loose sands as if ensuring the secret of his birth hasn’t swelled into a nauseatingly public affair like half of his birthdays had since the start of Era 3. “Gotta say, the impromptu guitar solo pushed that to a whole new level. You just get up?”

“Yep! Bright and early. Garnet said you’d probably be awake by now, so I figured I’d call and give ya’ a good greeting to start the day. Lemme guess, you’re down there at the beach already? I think I heard waves.”

Steven’s glance lifts to admire the slowly rising tides, and the promise of each tomorrow that lies beyond. “Hah, you know me,” he says softly, taking a deep lungful of that precious salt-touched air he’s always adored. “I live for the water. Might force myself to go for a swim later before all of you come. Not sure yet,” he says, shrugging as he turns and squints in the wake of the steadily rising sun. “But my therapist said I should probably keep as active as po—“

“It’s your birthday. You do whatever makes you happy, bud,” his dad promptly reminds him, slight concern sticking to his voice. And yes, it’s practically a father’s job to worry, but his chest tightens with lingering guilt for pressing that upon him anyways. Ugh, this is because he said ‘force myself,’ isn’t it?

“Doing my best to,” he lamely offers, hoping it’ll at least end that segment of conversation. He twirls a stray strand of hair around his finger as he scours his memory for something new to offer. Thankfully, his mind quickly lands on the exciting email he received last night. He grins, knowing for sure his dad’ll love this. “Oh, uh- topic change, but I got that last job I applied for, by the way.”

“Oh? The taffy shop one?”

“Yeah! I start on Tuesday.”

“Wow, that’s- that’s awesome! They responded fast, then.”

“Yup,” Steven nods, popping the ‘p.’ “Honestly, it’s nothing much, just stocking and working the register, but it’ll give me some cash to work with.”

Some cash to finally pay for his own food instead of continuously bumming money off his dad. There’s no way he can handle full month’s rent on his own with this minimum wage job, (who on Earth could in this economy), but it might be enough to cover the smaller things. Groceries, electricity, internet. That sorta stuff. Fidgeting on the edge of the stone outcropping, his bare toes dig narrow lines in the sand. He hasn’t really had this discussion with Dad yet, but the mere concept of being wholly reliant on other people steers his mind uncomfortably close to the I’m a Burden Zone. He’d far prefer to feel like he has a stake in the game.

“I know you said you don’t mind supporting me,” he continues in a hesitant tone, twirling his finger through one of his curls, “but I still feel kinda bad—“

“Don’t. I’d rather you not have to stress yourself to the bone about money like I did when I was your age.”

The line shakes for a second. He’s pretty sure he hears the faint clink of a bowl meeting the counter from his dad’s side.

“Dad...?”

“Sorry, bud. Just putting ya’ on speaker. Figured I’d make myself some instant oatmeal,” he says, his voice sounding a bit further away from the microphone. “Goodness, though. Twenty years. That still boggles the mind.”

He gives a soft laugh. “You’re telling me. Could’ve sworn I was twelve just yesterday. And to be honest, it’s... it’s kinda weird sometimes, you know?”

“What is?”

“Being another year older. ‘Cause... well, uh...”

Steven grits his teeth, searching for the most delicate manner in which he can discuss these emotions. The feelings of his past are a really hard topic to dwell on sometimes, even in therapy, and even though he and his dad have long since had scattered discussions about what a poor mental state he was in then, he doesn’t wanna upset him too much.

“There were definitely days I assumed I wouldn’t have a future, or didn’t want one to begin with,” he continues, throat thick. “Back during all the conflict, before Homeworld reformed. And even after that, when I was... you know. And things are better, now, they’re definitely a lot better. But the idea of a ‘future’... even if I’ve got a job, a home, a girlfriend... it’s still weird to think about, I guess.“

There’s a brief silence on the line as this vulnerable admission sinks in.

“Yeah,” Dad replies eventually, clear sorrow in his voice despite how careful he thought he was in phrasing these matters. “I hear ya’.”

With a quick nervous laugh, he scratches at the nape of his neck, fingertips brushing against the thin, wispy strands of hair growing back there. “Geeze, sorry for bringing the mood down so quick. Didn’t even know I had all that on my mind until it spilled right out.”

“No, no! No need for apologies, I’m always here to listen. And in any case, I’m glad you’re in a better place now.”

Steven nods his head to himself in full agreement (momentarily forgetting that his dad isn’t actually here in the flesh to see this response). Sixteen and seventeen really, really weren’t good years for him. And even though he’s put lot of work into himself since then, he can’t help but constantly fear the possibility of relapse. His therapist told him a few sessions ago when he expressed this worry that... relapses into old thinking patterns can be common for people living with C-PSTD, and that it’s important for him to be cognizant of any unusual changes in his patterns and routines so he can quickly intervene with his box of healthy coping tactics, but... geeze. The dark, traumatic destinations his wandering thoughts end up stagnating in when the concept of relapse brushes his mind aren’t fun to acknowledge. It makes him yearn with deafening hunger for a simple switch he could flip, some magic cure-all for his brain that would stop him from having to deal with any of this awful shit in the first place— but of course, cruel universe this can be at times, those don’t exist.

“Speaking of that,” Dad speaks up again after clearing his throat, “how are those new meds treating you? You said last call your doctor was gonna change them, yes?”

“Nah, not change. There’s no need to change types,” he shrugs. “It’s just a dosage shift. And it’s fine, I think. I’ve been on ‘em for a few days, and there’s no problems so far. Brain's been treating me a little better.”

Nightmares aren’t quite as bad.

His energy isn’t totally zapped by noon.

The whirling, panicked trajectory of his thought patterns is a little easier to wrest control of.

All in all, nothing’s perfect, but he certainly feels a good deal more stable than before. Now, if only he can remember to consistently take his meds before he goes to bed like he’s supposed to instead of totally forgetting like he did last night and having to scarf it down when he sees that forsaken capsule in his pill box the next morning. Tsk, tsk.

“That’s real good to hear,” his dad responds to his news.

He flexes his knuckles against his lap, gaze reflexively drifting back towards the welcomed distraction of the tides. “Yeah.”

“Anyways, I, uh...”

“So, party logistics,” he cuts in with an overly cheery tone, changing the topic from his boring mental health crap entirely. “We should probably hash this out now. I know Connie’s planning on dropping around about noon. What’s your guys’ plan? She can probably send Lion to you after she gets here, if you want.”

“Yeah, that’d be best. Pearl said there weren’t any convenient warps nearby. Well, there’s one- but apparently it empties out into an active lava tube. And that’s not exactly Dad-friendly.”

“Aww, you mean you’re not filled with the intense desire to dip your hand into molten lava and shlorp it up like it’s soup?” Steven retorts, only barely holding back his laughter as he thinks of this absurd text thread he had going with Connie a few weeks back, wherein she sent him a video of some volcanic flows and told him, verbatim, that 'despite all logic and reason sometimes I can’t help but look at super viscous lava and think... forbidden s o u p, mmmm.’

“Not particularly, no,” his dad says, sounding thoroughly confused. “I’m- why are you laughing? Is this some sort of weird internet thing I’m not familiar with again?”

He wipes tears from his eyes as he tries to catch his breath. “You, ah- you kinda had to be there, sorry. Anyways, yeah. I’ll have Connie send Lion. I’ll text you right before, how’s that?”

“Sounds great! Can’t wait to see ya’, bud. I’m gonna let you go, now, okay? I can talk your ears off later. Go enjoy your morning. Love you.”

“Love you too, Dad,” he says, grinning. “Bye.”

“Buh-bye.”

Once his dad hangs up he sets his phone beside him on the rock and takes a deep, steady breath, trying to capture the full nuance of each diverse scent in the air. He may just be imagining it, but he swears he’s able to pick out the faint scent of taffy intermingling with the ocean saltiness and the hint of cedar from the nearby state forest. In the end though, whether it’s real or not it’s a welcomed reminder of all the possibility the future holds for him.

He’s twenty now. It’s a brand new decade of life. He’s got a new job lined up, a stable and loving relationship, a supportive family, and plenty of courage in facing the shadows of his past. Sure, so maybe he’ll never know with certainty what will happen— maybe he’ll relapse a little, maybe he’ll still have some bad days sprinkled amongst the good ones— but as he watches the tides flow in to greet him, he smiles... and resolves to just take this year as a renewal of his vow to care for himself as best he can.

[reggiefaer]

After yesterdays whining post about the existential mental health crisis I'm in, I figured I'd give you happy one. I don't have lung cancer. I got the results of my 3rd CT scan (every 6 months for monitoring was a lot) and I am no longer considered high risk. Ill go back in a year, just to make me feel better but my nodules are still smaller than 7mm even tho they've grown. The inflammation went down dramatically and the scarring is unchanged. I owe this to 3 things: 🏅 I quit 🚬 and 🔥 breathing 🚮 I left my abusive and stressful living situation 🌿 I started putting my health first and explored anything I thought could work. @bodybeautymojo has an amazing cleanse I recommend highly. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Thank you to @dottielux @katdelac @gigideluxe @dannyborneo @bagladyland and many more for the time, patience, love and even money you gave me during this pandemic. There's plenty of people that have no idea how much just them listening meant. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Even if you refuse to wear a mask and eat shit food every day and never exercise, please please please: QUIT SMOKING I want you to live. I never want you to live with the pain and anxiety that I did for 18 months thinking I had done this to myself. Let alone the actual suffering from the damage you cant reverse. Quit now before bars reopen and its harder Quit now before you get to hang at parties and its everywhere. 📷 by @be_squared_art who also wants you to quit 😋 I'll return to #shitposts Tomorrow . . #quitsmoking #loveyourself #youareloved #dontdie (at Palm Springs, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIlvyH1jBKq/?igshid=u6iw45bj6ymp

[shadowling-guistical]

Milestones

SUMMARY: After deciding to take a gap year, Virgil Sanders expected to enter his freshman year of college feeling anxious and out of place. But not if his childhood friends; Patton Hart, Roman Prince and Logan Croft have anything to say about it.

CHARACTERS: Virgil Sanders/Anxiety, Roman Sanders/Creativity, Logan Sanders/Logic, Patton Sanders/Morality, Thomas Sanders (mentioned/background), Remy Sanders (Mentioned/background) Dr. Emille Picani (Mentioned/Background).

PAIRINGS: Platonic LAMP but can be romantic if you squint and sorta tilt your head to the left.

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of therapy and medication. Discussions about university related stress

Read an extended version on AO3.

For @sanders-sides-fanzine‘s The Core of Us Fanzine! If you enjoyed this, consider downloading the zine (which is FREE!) and give the team and contributors some love!

It was, by all means, a normal summer day for one Virgil Sanders. He woke up, had breakfast, took his meds and logged on to chat with his close friends. That is, until his mother told him he had mail before she headed out to work. She had kissed him on the top of his head, as if she didn’t just send a jolt of electricity striking through his heart, oblivious as she handed him money to share with his siblings.

He excused himself from their voice chat and went down to retrieve it. As though psychic, each of his friends wished him luck in their own ways. They gushed and reassured him in their group chat while sending something totally separate in the Direct messages. Patton sent him a wholesome, motivating meme. Logan sent him a single question mark. Roman began blowing up his direct messages with fragments of excited texts. He in particular was excited for Virgil to finally join them in campus after taking a gap year for mental health reasons.

He passed by his baby brother watching his morning cartoons. His middle brother, Remy was probably still asleep. Virgil ruffled Thomas’ hair as he retreated back to his bedroom.

A whirl of emotions settled in his stomach after Virgil closed the door behind him. It began settling into a poisonous miasma of nervousness and dread, both very hot and very icy.

Virgil slid a nail edge under the flap- tearing it open. He took the contents out, scanned the words and-

…

“…Oh…”

.

.

 His status soon went from online to idle and finally, offline.

.

.

.

That night, Patton spent his evening fretting over the lack of a reply. Where was the usual emoji of a purple heart? Frustrated, he finally stopped pacing around his room long enough to go down to the kitchen. His freckled face screwed in determination while he took out his mixing bowls. Now, what was the recipe for chocolate brownies again?

Logan waited with bated breath for that single exclamation point. Over the next few hours, he forced himself to calm down. He reminded himself that Virgil probably needed logic and reason the most at this moment. He put away his phone and began looking up the procedure for an admission appeal. The date shouldn’t be too far away, right? Or perhaps another institution nearby?

Roman found himself wishing for a snarky reply about how much they will be seeing each other on campus.  He waited as time stretched out to midnight and beyond. Before he slept, he made a mental note to find his copy of Black Cauldron amongst his extensive collection of Disney Movies. A Disney movie night never failed to cheer his friend up!

.

.

.

Next mid afternoon, Virgil found himself nervously tapping his feet as he waited for someone to pick up the call he was making. He spent earlier that morning in his regular therapy sessions with his therapist. Virgil mainly talked about his current development of events. Doctor Picani had advised him to talk to his support system about his fears, and to be open to them. And that was what Virgil was attempting to do.

 "Hello?? Virgil?" 

 Virgil swallowed, throat suddenly dry.

 "Hey Pat… um…" 

 Patton, bless him, patiently waited for Virgil instead of bombarding him with questions. 

 "Take your time kiddo. Roman and Logan are with me, do you want this to be on speaker?" 

 "Yeah, Pat… That'll uh… That'll be swell." 

 Great. Might as well get this over with. There was a click and Virgil can hear rustling from the other line. 

 "Virgil," He heard Logan speak in his calm timbre, "Are you well?" 

 "Yeah I am actually… just ...well," A deep breath, "I got accepted Lo." 

 "Ah… Congratulations!" Logan sounded sincere, while there was a flurry of voices in the background. Probably Roman and Patton being excited.

 "Thanks Lo…" Virgil sat down on his bed heavily. 

 "You don't sound so happy about it, J Delightful. You didn’t even came back to talk to us yesterday,” 

 "I am Ro.. I am… But… God. I’m sorry for being a jerk. When I read the letter. I was…happy. But…" 

 "…You panicked?" 

 "... Yeah…" Virgil mumbled, beginning to rub his eyes, "And it's not even because I'm struggling. Dr P and I are doing great! My meds are fine. He's teaching me how to deal with everything… But I still feel…" 

 "Unprepared…?" 

 Patton's calming voice sort of broke something in him, and Virgil felt his throat close up and his eyes water. 

 “…Scared…"

 "Oh kiddo…" 

 "Virgil…You know that you don't have to go now. There's always the option of delaying or opting to start at the second intake," 

 "I know that Lo…But I really want to go NOW. But ugh…" Virgil let himself fall back onto his bed and sniffed, "I just got so overwhelmed. Thinking of the things I need to pack, classes, paperwork…Picking a major. Where do I even BEGIN?"

 "We understand. Look, me and Specs need to go soon. How do you feel about Patton coming over to keep you company? We’ll handle the other stuff later. Together." 

 "That's right Kiddo! I have some brownies here with your name on em!" 

 Virgil wiped his eyes with the edge of his hoodie sleeve, "That sounds… amazing, Pat. You'd do that?" 

 "In a Hart-beat," The pun made Virgil smile. "And if you want, I can help you find some on campus resources. The counselling department has some amazing counsellors," 

 Virgil took a deep breath, and exhaling slowly, "... Yeah.. I think I'd like that…Thanks Patton" 

 "Excellent. I shall look up other relevant information for a later date."

 "Right…" Virgil agreed, "Thanks L...Princey. I appreciate it a lot." 

 "Anything for our emo." 

 "See you soon Virgil!"

. 

. 

. 

The next few days passed by like a blur. It was all hands-on deck, with Patton, Logan and Roman helping him in all matters big and small. 

Patton came by, gave him a hug and fed him the brownies. Later, he sat with Virgil in front of his computer, guiding him on all the resources available on campus. After a while, Virgil found himself mulling very little as he sent an email to a counsellor on campus to set up an appointment. In fact, he daresay he started to look forward to it. Patton was there throughout the whole process, just generally providing the best help he could have ever asked for. Virgil asked him questions extensively, and Patton patiently answered each and every one.

His support and help prompted Virgil to later wear a small enamel badge he found while browsing a thrift store. It reminded Virgil that there are people looking out and supporting him at every turn in his life. 

With an appointment with a counsellor now booked, Virgil turned his attention to his classes. In this area, Logan came in- keen and determined. 

Armed with several sheets of printed out information, he came to Virgil's house the night after Patton left.

He explained Virgil's options, going through one suggestion at a time. He reassured him about choosing his major, telling him that he can remain undeclared as long as he needed to. But also to be mindful about what classes he decides to take. Highlighter in hand, they slowly but surely mapped out the classes Virgil could register in his first year. It was balanced in that it both provided enough time for him to settle in his new environment and for Virgil to still get the credit hours he needed.

It was because of Logan that Virgil started carrying with him a small nondescript journal. He wrote everything in it, from reminders to To Do lists. It helped him plan, and made him recall Logan's words that learning is always something that Virgil has control over. 

Roman literally came in full force. Barging in early one morning and boisterously announcing his arrival to help him pack. Surprisingly, he was very helpful. He took the time to help Virgil organise everything and all the while, they just… talked. They bantered and joked. Each day, Roman never failed to show up. He skillfully took Virgil's mind of the stress of moving away as the date crawled nearer. He talked about the plays that will be put on that semester, promising to introduce Virgil to the cast and crew. Remembering their high school days, Virgil promised to consider trying out as the crew and Roman smiled encouragingly, saying nothing more. 

And if Virgil started wearing a little red in any instance where he needed a boost of confidence, Roman didn't need to know that too.

.

.

. 

Virgil admitted he took a little while to get to certain milestones compared to his peers. But as Roman's car began to move away from their neighbourhood, Logan's GPS pre-set to Florida University and Patton's brownies started being passed around, he realized that taking his time was well worth it. 

[a-cai-jpg]

a drama review you never asked for

So yesterday, I started a drama by accident. 

before we begin, here is a little glossary: Itazura Na Kiss = Playful Kiss (Korean), It Started with a Kiss (Taiwanese), Love in Tokyo (Japanese) Naoki = the main male lead in Itazura Na Kiss, stoic, bitchy brainiac whom everyone is in love with Kotoko = the main female lead in Itazura Na Kiss, a clutz, sucks at school, is in love with Naoki Yanmo = the main male lead in Le Coup de Foudre Qiaoyi = the main female lead in Le Coup de Foudre

I say by accident, because it was a weird series of events that led me to click on the first episode of Le Coup De Foudre, and by the time I realized what had happened, I was on episode 26 and it was 1:20 in the morning.

Help.

I finished it today before noon because I watch drama in the fucked-up way where I kind of skip forward by 5 second increments when they talk about things I don't really care about or when they're narrating life lessons.

(I always wonder if I'm missing something integral to the drama-watching experience when I do this because I do this 85% of the time, but it's either this or I get distracted going on social media cause I can't freaking sit still.) 

(idk i think i still get most of the drama though. right?)

But I don't know, I really liked the drama. Not in the way where I want to revisit every scene on Tumblr and proclaim my love for it in the tags like I do with some. It's one of the dramas where I watch, and it just kind of sits heavily in my heart for a little bit and tells me to appreciate who I have around me.

Le Coup De Foudre begins with the ending, where the two characters are already together. They reminisce about their relationship from the very beginning, and that's how the drama progresses. I think it's that feeling, the in media res, the frequent analepsis, that strengthens the poignancy of the nostalgia.

It kind of reminds me of brewing tea.

(lol, midway through a scene, i felt a pang in my chest because i felt so bad for the female lead, and i paused the video and sighed in contentment and was like, "ahhh yes i feel feelings again.")

(sos)

So, I have been describing Le Coup De Foudre as the better version of Itazura Na Kiss--the better version of a plotline we have seen very often. The drama begins in a high school, stretches past college, and ends when both leads find their place next to each other as they leave school-life behind them.

And obviously, during high school, the female lead is failing all her classes whilst the male lead scores number one in every class. And of course, circumstances draw the two together, and the male lead grudgingly begins to tutor the female lead.

But, where Itazura Na Kiss has a male lead who is emotionally manipulative and has a side-hobby of rendering the girl to tears, Le Coup De Foudre has a male lead who is certain of what he wants and faces his feelings head on. There's no tugging back and forth and no unnecessary drama, but instead, a very natural progression from sitting next to a girl you like to finding each other again years after high school graduation.

When I watched Itazura Na Kiss (or the many iterations of it, either in different languages or under a different name cough cough A Love So Beautiful cough cough), there was an anxiety clouding the female lead. She treads carefully, trying to present herself in a version that makes the male lead happy. The male lead, on the other hand, is at a loss of how to address her feelings and thereby, ends up acting like an ass.

(Disclaimer: I don't actually remember much of the dramas. It's been a while.)

In high school, he is not mature enough to handle his feelings for the female lead alongside the stress of living up to his parents' expectations and figuring out what he wants to do in the future. In college, he is not mature enough to handle the admittedly annoying advances of the female lead alongside the new social terrain of unversity. Post-college, he is not mature enough to handle his new marriage alongside his stressful job at the company. From high school to post-college graduation, the male lead does not learn how to navigate a relationship where both parties' feelings matter and instead, focuses on what he thinks a relationship should look like. 

The female lead isn't faultless either, though her archetype has evolved throughout the years. In It Started with a Kiss and Love in Tokyo, she was a caricature of what her character should have been. In A Love So Beautiful, she graduated from being utterly ridiculous to being a little clumsy and a little too head over heels for a not-great guy, but the viewer can't help but be a little fond of her.

In Le Coup De Foudre, she becomes more. Her character stops being defined by her love for the guy.

I like Le Coup De Foudre because before lovers, they are friends first. 

(like. come on. that's kinda cute right.)

It's the softly veiled kind of affection that gets me. Like, when she pauses at the doorway to the classroom, and unlike last semester there are many more desks for her to choose from, but she decides to sit next to him anyways. Or, when he says something stupid and hurts her feelings and is stressing out about how to apologize, but she breaks the ice first and gives him a water bottle.

See, Yanmo is very much the same stoic, brainiac character Naoki was. But unlike Naoki, he is not afraid of his feelings. He doesn't want to hurt her, but his EQ isn't great so he inevitably does so anyways. Yet, he recognizes when he does wrong and takes the initiative to awkwardly ask her twin brother how to apologize. He admits to his mom that he likes her far, far before she even realizes she likes him. He gets drunk on a mouthful of vodka by accident and remembers this dumb thing she said about guys with ties being hot, so he grabs the tie of a fellow student and says he wants it because "guys with ties are hot." He faces his feelings in the immature way a high school student who's never been in love does, but he doesn't deride them. He doesn't think they are beneath him, or that he has larger aspirations and he's just taking a small reprieve from them to be with her.

(this is the kind of stoic male lead I like!!!)

He doesn't leave her behind, running to catch up. Instead, he's always quietly waiting for her.

And when they get together, he lets her fool around. He lets her take all the blankets, he challenges her brother to Chinese Clash of Clans and beats him senseless when he bullies his sister, he jokes with her in that deadpanned way of his, brings her soup when she's writing in a hotel, picks her up on the roadside on a rainy day, and doesn't reprimand her. 

I think this sort of character who plays on the trope of the stoic, smart kid, but fleshes him out so that he cries and laughs and puts other people before him is what makes this relationship dynamic work. There's no icky feeling like in Itazura Na Kiss, where the audience is constantly questioning whether or not Naoki actually loves Kotoko, because in this drama, it's so, so clear that Yanmo loved Qiaoyi since high school.

:/

The other characters are well-written as well. Qiaoyi sucks at math, but she's not stupid. She's shy, but she's not afraid of pursuing what she puts her mind to. She cares a ridiculous amount for other people, but she's not naive, and it's ultimately a combination of these traits that helps the characters save Yanmo's company from bankruptcy. Like I've mentioned before, Qiaoyi isn't defined by her love for Yanmo. She loves Yanmo so much that she pledged to think about him only six days of the week, and then four days, and then two days, and then eventually it'll be just one day of the week, but it never really happens. She loves Yanmo so much, but she lives the life she's supposed to live, accepting that even if he's not by her side, she still needs to work hard for her dream. 

There's no second male lead, so there's no dramatic I LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL screaming match where the first male lead stands there and clenches his teeth because he doesn't know how to proclaim his love. Instead, there's a loving older twin brother who dotes on Qiaoyi but doesn't forget to jokingly remind her that their parents picked her up from the trashbin. Instead, there's an emotionally mature first male lead who tells Qiaoyi he loves her and will be hurt if she likes someone else.

The second female lead is gorgeous and instead of kickstarting a nasty jealousy arc, she becomes one of Qiaoyi's closest friends. It takes a while, but she eventually recognizes that maybe she's liked Yanmo since a young age, but she never really fell in love with him. Instead, she falls in love with Yanmo's uncle who is the same age as him. Uncle isn't a good looking dude, but tbh, Cheng Youmei is pretty enough for both of them.

Uncle is the number one Yanmo/Qiaoyi fan. I like him.

Le Coup De Foudre is great, but I feel kind of bad criticizing Itazura Na Kiss, because it did make up a large part of my childhood.

(i was so offended when the wall outside my house fell and my fam was evicted and we had to live at a motel and not at a hot family friend's house smh) 

Also, there's always this little voice in my head whenever I say some TV show isn't good (which is very often because I'm a pretentious brat) telling me to stop being a hypocrite.

See, when I was in middle school, one of my favorite TV dramas was Meteor Shower, which is one of the many iterations of Hana Yori Dango. 

(LOL Meteor Shower is a whole other can of worms)

I remember I watched it when I was in Shanghai for summer vacation, and then when season 2 came out, I was again, in Shanghai.

(even back then, I thought season 2 was trash.)

When I watched season 2, I lived with my aunt. Because I lived with my aunt, and because my aunt is one of those more-pretentious-than-me people who watches British television and has a wine cooler, I remember switching the channel to something else every time she came by my room.

Which is pretty ridiculous considering I was literally watching a PG television show and not porn.

The reason was some time in my childhood--I don't remember when--I asked to watch a show--I don't know what show it was, it might've been Happy Camp--and my aunt looked at me, appalled, and was like, "You watch that kind of trash? Isn't that kind of show for idiots?"

And I was just kind of like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

As you can tell, that conversation has stayed with me. My aunt is living with our family right now, and even now, I feel a little sheepish watching my dramas or listening to my music.

(let me explain. my aunt came downstairs one day, and was just casually like, "Liszt is pretty good, huh?" and i was like lol um what.)

(she sits on the toilet and listens to the orchestra as she pees.)

(help.)

This is partially why I have these questions. But the bigger reason why is because I took a shower and great thoughts and questions come when you take a shower.

Is a television show created with the simple intention to entertain the viewer somehow less than one with an overarching message?

How do you judge what is a "good" and therefore, worthwhile show and what isn't?

There is a Chinese drama that's received high ratings, but many people started questioning whether or not it deserved those ratings, because it was a simple love story between two people and wasn't particularly meaningful.

But, if the ratings are given by the audience, then shouldn't that mean that it is a good TV show?

(but then, when have the masses ever been the best judges for quality? cough produce 101 cough)

But, if public opinion is not the best judge for quality, then what is?

The opinion of experts?

(that's so pretentious.) 

But also, if something is produced for free, mass consumption, shouldn't its success be measured by its reception? And shouldn't its quality, thereby, be measured by its success?

I've always had this question about books too. Like, what determines the books we read in a high school English class? Why are these particular books considered the Greats?

Why is Shakespeare so famous?

(don't brick me)

When I was in Shanghai and browsing a bookstore, I heard someone say, "Let's just come in for the AC. Most of the books are 畅销 books anyways, and not worth reading." The group she came in with agreed.

I have seen the words 畅销 before, because I watch a ridiculous amount of TV dramas derived from 畅销 books, but I never searched up the definition. Based on the person's disdainful tone and the way people talked about 畅销 books, I assumed it meant young adult, or genre fiction. Something like that?

But when I asked my cousin what it meant, she said, "Oh, it means bestseller."

And I was like. ???? What.

Evidently, readership and mass opinion have not been perceived as good judges for quality.

Fiction is judged by the usual narrative devices--plot, characterization, flow, theme, etc. But, ultimately, I think it is important to look at reception as well.

Why does a particular story and/or TV drama receive higher ratings and viewership than another? Is it the fault of the audience or of the directors/scriptwriters/actors/production company/country's censorship laws cough cough CHINA cough cough cough/etc.? 

I think analyzing the narrative devices is an exciting conversation, but in media, there are more factors involved than just the author's mind.

And that isn't a conversation that you can easily have when your aunt looks over at you watching SCI: Journal of Mysterious Cases and scoffs. 

(cEnSoRsHiP and LaCk Of FuNdS!!!)

(this is part of a larger discussion around genre fiction and literary fiction and literary merit that i loathe)

(but i feel like i'm in it. i'm in the part i hate omfg)

I feel like a big part of why I feel sheepish watching dramas at home is because ultimately, what you like is an indication of who you are.

Like when people say you get to know a lot about a person by looking at their bookshelf or Spotify playlist.

But, see, this is a very unidimensional way of viewing the world. All these things are indications of who you are, but not definitions of who you are.

There are multiple levels to this sort of perception. There's recognizing this is what you like, generalizing it to who you are as a person, and then making a value judgment on you about it. 

(i.e. You like Harry Potter. You like genre fiction. You are shallow and have no taste in literature.)

But this process should end at step one.

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with watching trash television. Keeping Up With the Kardashians is difficult to put down once I start because I'm so intrigued by the otherworldliness of their lives. I routinely follow YouTuber drama because it's interesting and I'm nosy. Sometimes, I just want to watch two people fall in love and be dumb and cute and not get anything out of it, because life is complicated enough.

There's nothing wrong with watching trash television or a TV drama with unrealistic, poorly written characters, but I do think it's important to recognize the larger flaws of storytelling, especially when it has to do with portraying the human condition.

Media does an incredible part in shaping someone's perspective. I don't think there's anything wrong with portraying violence, rape, bullying, or suicide in television (provided there's a trigger warning), because it is an integral part of life. But, I think it is crucial, and also the social responsibility of content creators, to foster a better future through media. Media shouldn't justify or glorify these actions, but rather, acknowledge that they are negative and show the real world repercussions of them. If you are going to bring up these societal faults, you have to address them as well.

(this is easier said than done, especially when it comes to the smaller issues in life.)

Itazura Na Kiss is a drama that, in my 2020 mindset, falls behind on that standard. Not because it glorifies bullying, but because it portrays an emotionally manipulative relationship between two characters, where the girl is defined in relation to the guy, and that's that. Happily ever after.

But, Itazura Na Kiss also received incredible reception and was remade into a number of dramas and most recently, a movie. This is what concerns me. As our social consciousness evolved to respecting female characters and seeing them as more than an accessory to the male lead, how come the 2019 movie did not show that?

I can understand Itazura Na Kiss gaining traction in the past, just like how I can understand Grease being a very popular movie in the 70s and 80s despite being incredibly sexist. I struggle to understand it in 2020.

This is why I like Le Coup De Foudre. It takes all the tropes that were popular in 1990 and modernizes them so they become palatable to the 2019 audience. It creates two incredibly human and multidimensional characters and introduces them to a simulation where they meet in high school, 2006, one desk by the window.

(see, isn't it that kind of writing that's breathtaking and akin to the power of god?)

song rec: lil ghost - don’t call me davinci

[lovemesomesurveys]

S c h o o l Did you/do you like school? Looking back after a few years, I think I did overall. I wouldn’t have said that in the moment, though. I got very easily overwhelmed, stressed, and burnt out. Many tears were shed. A lot of anxiety was induced. I hated the presentations and taking exams. There were parts I did like, though. There were assignments, books, courses, teachers, and activities that I liked. The learning aspect of stuff that was of real interest to me was enjoyable.  What was/is the best thing about going to school? The worst? I listed the good and bad in my previous answer. All that being said, I do believe education is good and important.  What was/is your favourite subject? Least favourite? My favorite was always english and then psychology, obviously. That was my major. My least was always math. That was the absolute worst.  Who was/is your favourite teacher? Least favourite? My favorite in elementary and middle school (my school was a K-8th grade) was Mr. McGill. He was my 4th grade teacher, but he ended up being an 8th grade teacher later on and I was able to have him again. He was very funny and cool and made learning fun. He genuinely cared about his students. Everyone loved him. In high school it was my sophomore history teacher, Mr. Coffey. He reminded me so much of Rob Dyrdek from how he looked to how he acted. He was cool. He always jammed out to Red Hot Chili Peppers before class. In college I had a few awesome professors. College professors are usually pretty rad.

What did/do you do for break/recess? Recess I just hung out with my friends. I forget what we did, exactly. I couldn’t go on the playground (I’m in a wheelchair). I probably just watched them for awhile or something. I remember playing 4-square. Probably stuff like tag as well. I honestly don’t really remember what I did for recess in elementary school. In middle school we just hung out. *shrug* Oh, and had snacks cause most of us always brought chips or whatever to munch on before lunch. People were suddenly your best friend if you had Hot Cheetos haha. In school break was lunch and I just ate and hung out with friends mostly. In college if I was campus for a long time I usually ate between classes, studied, did some reading, got coffee, messed around on my phone and watched YouTube or Netflix or something.  Did you/do you do any after school activities? What? In 5th and 6th grade I was a Girl Scout. In middle school we had electives, but that was during school so I guess that doesn’t count. I think it was like toward the end of the school day, though. Oh, also my local community college offered some fun classes for kids during the summer and I did some of those. In high school I was in a couple clubs. I was VP for one of them. When I was at community college I was an active club and then board member of the psychology club. In university I didn’t do anything, ha. I went to my classes and went home.  Did you/do you take part in a club or sport at school? What? No sports, but yeah the club stuff I just listed. ^^^  What age did you start school? Like 3 in preschool. If you've left school do you wish you were still there? Nope! haha. I served my time as I say. I’m doneeee. S l a n d e r Do you take things people say at face value? Not always. Depends what they’re telling me, obviously. If someone was like, “there’s a huge meteor crashing to earth tomorrow” I’m gonna look into that lol. What is the worst rumour that has been spread about you? There weren’t any. Not that I ever knew of, anyway. I wasn’t relevant. Can you honestly say you never act two faced? No. I think we’ve all been fake in some way or another at some time or another. Some people are just fake people, though. Like that’s just who they are as a person, ya know? I’m not one of those people, but I can’t say that I’ve never been before.  Do you get talked about behind your back often [someone tells you]? I’m sure my former friends have talked a lot of shit about me over the past few years and rightfully so. I wouldn’t blame them at all. Now I’m probably not even on their radar anymore and they probably just don’t give a shit, which I also wouldn’t blame them for. Apart from that, I mean I’m sure people have said stuff about me behind my back and I’ve been told things before. For the most part; though, I really feel like I was always pretty insignificant and not even on most people’s radar. Do you believe everyone is somewhat of a gossip? Yeah, pretty much. Some are just make it their life; though, and live for the gossip and drama. Don't you think those who insult others and their lives just seriously need to get a life of their own? I don’t understand the obsession some people have for people they claim to dislike or hate. Like, why are they so invested and give any of their time to someone they don’t like? It makes NO sense. I see that so much on the internet. I watch YouTubers and there will be so many haters who just have to get their fix and watch the video and talk shit about the person. They just have to leave that comment and make it known. I’m just like, WHY. I don’t waste my time watching or following up on someone I don’t like. I don’t feel the need to leave a rude comment. It’s real easy to just X out the video and find something else. Why waste your time??? I’ve just really been seeing that a lot lately especially on YouTube. Same with celebrities. There’s some I’m not a fan of or don’t particularly care for, but I have the need to go tweet and tell them that I don’t like them or talk shit in their comments. Make comments to yourself or to someone privately, but you don’t need to make it known to the person. I just move along with your life. That goes for anyone. We all talk shit sometimes, don’t act like you never do, but you don’t need to insult people to their face. S p o r t s Do you like sports in general? Nope. Do you prefer field sports, team sports or other? I prefer no sports. Do you run/jog regularly? Nope. Do you like/enjoy swimming? What's your usual stroke? Nope. What sport do you like to watch but not to play? None. What sport do you like to play but not to watch? None. Who is your favourite sportsman/woman? What sport do they play? I don't have one. Are you sporty, average or hate sports? Sports are just not my thing, man.  R a p Do you like rap music? Yeah. Whose your favourite rap artist? Why? I have several. I’m probably most into Post Malone these days. I like Drake, too. There’s also the newer genre, emo rap, that I’m into as well. That includes like Juice WRLD and Travis Scott. Thennn there’s like rap rock. Linkin Park, one of my top favorite bands, fall under that category. Whose your least favourite rap artist? Why? Hmm. Name me a few rap songs that you like? I don’t wanna.  Name me a few rap songs you dislike? I don’t wanna. Is rap one of your top 3 genres of music? I don’t know, man. I just like variety. Eminen or Dr. Dre? Eminem.  Dizzy Rascal or Will.i.am? I don’t think I’ve heard of Dizzy Rascal.  D12 or Bone Thugs n Harmony? I liked a couple songs by D12. Haven’t listened to them in a long time, though. R e a d i n g Do you like reading? I love to read. What's your favourite book? Whose your favourite author? I can’t choose a favorite. I just can’t. I’ve been reading a longgggg time and have read a lottttttt of books. I have too many favorites. Fiction or Non Fiction? I like fiction better.  Sci-Fi or Historical Novel? Hm. Probably sci-fi out of the two. Fantasy or Horror? Horror. Romance or War Novel? Romance. Do you prefer films or books? I enjoy both. How many books do you think you own? Quite a lot, but not as much as I used to. I’ve been reading a lot of ebooks for the past several years, so I have a lot of those. I have a lot saved in my Kindle app. What books have you read that made you sad? I’ve read countless number of sad books. What books have you read that frightened you? I read a lot of mystery and psychological thriller, so. What books have you read that were terrible? The only ones I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read are the Fifty Shades of Gray series. :X What books have you read that left you wanting more? So many. I get really into a book and the characters. I love a series.  R e l i g i o n Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in multiple Gods/Goddesses? No. What is your religion called? Christian. Do you believe in Angels and Demons? Yes. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Yes. Do you believe in The Devil? Yes. Not like how he’s portrayed in movies and such, like the red dude with a pitchfork, but yes.  What rule/ideal in your religion do you think is the most important? The 10 Commandments.  What, to you, is the difference between spirituality and religion? Religion consists of practices, beliefs, and a relationship with God. Spirituality is more within yourself.  Q u e s t i o n s O f O d d n e s s Do you like tandoori chicken? Never had it. I don’t even know what that is. Can you hear a man's voice right now? On the TV. What nations tea is the best? I don't know. Can you remember what you were doing at 12.30pm yesterday? Sleeping. Does the colour purple make you feel a particular emotion? No. What age are you going to be in 2020? I’m turning 31 this year. D: What colour are your siblings eyes? Brown. Do you more often get a sore throat, cough or sneeze? Sore throat or cough. Do you get more headaches, earaches, toothaches or sore eyes? Headaches and sore eyes. Do you usually wear plain coloured clothes or dual/multi coloured? I wear a lot of black, but it has stuff on it it’s not just a plain black shirt. How far away is the nearest take away place from your house? Like a 2 minute drive. Do you think sarcasm is a good tool or just annoying? It can be annoying when done excessively. It can just be rude sometimes. I have my sarcastic moments, though.  What photos do you have on your phone? Saved photos of stuff I found online, my doggo, some of me, just various things. What's the model of your phone? iPhone XR. Do you drink hot honey and lemon when ill? Nope. My younger brother swears by that kind of stuff when he’s sick. What word would sum up today? It’s only 6 in the morning. I need to go to bed omg. This week? Uh, itt’s just starting. This month? Meh. This year? Way too soon to say. Favourite type of muffin? Banana without the nut and blueberry. Streusel on top makes them even better.

[soysaucevictim]

First week of the new stuff.

-

Mar. 14

I woke up barely before 4PM, today.

First, yesterday’s DD. 200 squat hold punches with EC. Wound up getting too distracted to get around to this yesterday. This is still pretty intense in the quads, but doable and fun.

Second, today’s DD. 40 crunch kicks with EC. I'd say this was an easier one - also a fun one.

(After writing some things down and watching some House...)

Third, Day 1 of 60 Days of Cardio Program. Level 3, 30″ in between sets. That was pretty winding, but fun. Let’s see how I do with this program - I want to try to do a minimum of Level 2 and feel out how much I need to rest between sets..

Fourth, Day 1 of the Chair Rows Challenge (but with gymnast rings). I had a lot of trepidation and anxiety with using rings for the first time. It felt awkward and a bit like I wasn’t doing things to target form. I did try to start from the reverse plank starting position - but didn’t have the strength/coordination to do that and still be able to lift myself up to the handles. So I kept my legs on the floor and bent at the seat.

I decided to have them about 2.5-3′ off the floor - high enough to have my arms straight up while on the floor. This was 3 sets of “chair” rows to failure - I kind of arbitrarily decided to do 30-15-10 with the above technique. Initially thought that was too easy - but then I started really feeling my abs and triceps in the last half.

I’ll just play this by ear and see where I get.

I later spent time doing some art progress and getting to bed late again.

-

Mar. 15

I think I woke up around 2PM.

Did a bit of the usual before exercising.

First, today’s DD. 50 forward lunges with EC. That was a bit winding, but manageable. :D

Second, Day 2 of the 60DoC. Level 3, one super set (at least I think so). Probably the only exercise that wasn’t all that fun were the lunge sstep-ups, but I’m glad the overall impact work was more mild.

Third, Day 2 of the CRC. 2x10″ flex hang hold. I did this one with the above technique - it was very easy that way.

Didn’t get to bed on time, but did make more art progress.

-

Mar. 16

I woke up at like 3PM, today.

After a bit of the usual, dinner, and dishes, I did my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 2′ O-pose hold with EC. Took some willpower and deep breaths. I was trembling a lot after the first minute, but I enjoyed myself! :D

(After a shower...)

Second, Day 3 of the CRC. 3 sets of “chair rows“ to failure. Hit 30-15-10 again, still pretty challenging to work at that load, with my mods.

(After a spree of cleaning some stuff...)

Third, Day 3 of the 60DoC. Level 3, I either rested about 30″ or 1′. Regardless, I did get pretty winded, up and down work is pretty tough! I got this done a lot later than I needed to. :/

Didn’t get to bed on time.

-

Mar. 17

I woke up A bit after 8AM, today.

Got to the facility, Seeking Safety Group was replaced by a COVID-19 discussion. I spent the rest of my time there working on art and listening to music

Got home did a lot of the usual and some of my planned exercise (sans DD)..

First, Day 4 of the 60DoC. Level 3, no rest. All in all, this was just a fun one to get through. Low impact with a good distribution of focused muscle groups.

Last, Day 4 of the CRC. 2x10″ flex hang hold. Again, super easy the way I was doing it.

(After some more House...)

Last, Day 28 of the G2BC. Yellow zone... yeah,,,, this rerun is getting pretty farcical, at this point.

-

Mar. 18

I woke up around 2PM again.

One of the first things I did today, even before turning on my computer, was getting some laundry taken care of. I already didn't care too much about doing it. But the Uncle holing himself up in the storage room makes it several orders of magnitude more stressful. Held off as long as possible before doing it this time. I just kept quiet. But. I wasn't happy.

Despite that, I also started on most of my exercise.

First, yesterday’s DD. 40 side-to-side ape hops with EC. I was just too sleep deprived to get this done on time. Even with enough sleep, my quads were almost done by the end. :P

Second, today’s DD. 50 shoulder taps with EC. Not much to say other than, a lot more manageable than yesterday's. :D

Last, Day 5 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 30″ rest. I mostly just wanted to mind my full-ish stomach, with said rests. Otherwise, it was pretty manageable work

(After deciding to rain check CRC, mostly since my bro had company over...)

I did spend a good chunk of my day after that working on some art and watching House.

Got to bed too late again.

-

Mar. 19

I initially got up around 8AM.

But the wrong transit agency was booked by LogistiCare again and I had to cancel my ride (still under impression that Lyft doesn’t service my area). Made a phone call to the administrator at the facility about what happened and just went back to bed.

Got up proper a bit before 1PM.

Watched a bit of YouTube and played some cards before doing today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 5′ raised arm hold with EC (frontal). This was a fun one and took some willpower, but I knew I was up for the challenge! :D

Second, Day 6 of the 60DoC. Level 3, no rest.

Last, Day 5 of the CRC. 3 sets of “chair rows“ to failure. 30-15-10, again.

Got to the bed too late again. But I did wind up spending a lot of time working on art.

-

Mar. 20

I woke up about the same time as yesterday.

One of the first things I did was the dishes.

As far as exercise went, all I did was today’s DD. 40 raised leg circles with EC. This was just about manageable. :D

I spent a good deal the rest of my day watching more House and doing some drawing.

Got to the bed too late... again.

[1-1snailxd-art]

Sides of a Hero

Fandom: Sanders Sides (web series) 

Summary: 

A different take on the sides being various impulses/ways of thinking, and fusing together form the different parts of Thomas’ personality. (Story takes place after ‘Learning new things about ourselves’.)

Warnings: Anxiety, depression, self-hate, injuries (major and minor), nightmares, panic, manipulation, stress, worry, negative thinking, suicide, character death

Characters: Thomas Sanders (Sides Universe), Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Roman Sanders, Patton Sanders, Deceit Sanders, Original Characters - Rage, Depression, Envy, Ego, etc, Dragons, Thomas’ friends - Joan, Talyn, Camden, Terrence, AJ. 

Relationships: You are welcome to see whatever ships you want to see. This fic honestly has nothing explicit and ships aren’t the focus. I support shipping, I read other fics with ships, but this one doesn’t explicitly have any. 

Note: I am open to respond to asks or messages, especially if you have any concerns about triggers or even any feedback. 

Chapter Index  (Fic is complete with 20 chapters) 

Chapter 1 - Hindrance or help      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Virgil keeps his past to himself out of fear and guilt. He may be a main side now, but was that what he was meant to be? Virgil never told the others about his existence prior to becoming a side. Would they still trust him if they knew what he did and who his friends use to be? Roman called them Dark Sides, but what are they really and how is Virgil connected to them?

Chapter 2 - Past friends       {plain text}   {art header}    {Ao3 page}

Patton takes a trip down memory lane after the argument in the common room and realises there is trouble in the mindscape. Meanwhile, Virgil is dealing with the after effects of his trip down memory lane. Not all memories are good ones. 

Chapter 3 - Lying in wait      {plain text}   {art header}    {Ao3 page}

"You can't hide Deceit. I know you're in here."

Deceit and Rage are in Virgil's room. Are they friends or foes? Patton makes breakfast because he thinks the sides needed to mend broken relationships from yesterday’s arguments.

Chapter 4 - A nightmare on Impulse Street       {plain text}   {art header}    {Ao3 page}

All appeared calm in the mindscape. That was a good thing, right?

Can the mindscape really be calm? Enjoy the tranquillity while it lasts. Deceit and Depression have other plans.

Chapter 5 - A new storm       {plain text}   {art header}    {Ao3 page}

What happens when a host has a nightmare? Bigger question, what happens when a core side has a nightmare? Roman, Patton and Logan take action when Thomas experiences a nightmare.

Chapter 6 - Lost nightmare      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Virgil explores another memory with Depression. Will it end with another storm?

Thomas and his sides need to work out what happened, and to do that they need Virgil to talk. Can Virgil find a way to communicate with the others, or will he avoid the topic as per usual?

Chapter 7 - Looking over the horizon       {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Roman visits the edge of the mindscape for the first time. Him and Virgil hang out on the cliff - Like true cliff-hangers :-P

Virgil knows it is neutral territory and core sides aren’t meant to be there, but it felt like the right place to talk. Hopefully it was the right decision.

Chapter 8 - Jumping to conclusions       {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Roman can ignore Logan’s comment; in hindsight, it did look like he injured Virgil. He had his sword out and everything; it was an easy conclusion to jump to. The three sides help Virgil before discussing what happened at the cliff edge. There is much to discuss and a few conclusions to jump to…. but that is not a good habit to get into.

Chapter 9 - Past mistakes      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

After waking up on the lounge, Virgil is forced reflect on his past experiences with Logan. Meanwhile, Roman takes a good hard look at himself and receives some helpful information in the process.

Chapter 10 - Pizza for four      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

It started as a simple pizza party; how did it end with Virgil on the floor in pain?

Chapter 11 - The sealing of friendship      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Virgil finally confesses how Depression ended up sealed away; something he has never had to talk about before.

Chapter 12 - Let it go      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Virgil and Patton arrive back in the common area to find Roman and Logan arguing; typical.

Chapter 13 - Under the influence       {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

How will Virgil cope in a high anxiety situation without Thomas’ usual supports? The sides have a plan; hopefully everything goes according to it.

Chapter 14 - Cracks      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

The sides deal with the aftermath of the L.A. trip.

Chapter 15 - Trapped in the darkness       {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Logan, Patton and Roman take Rage to visit Thomas and wake him up from Nightmare. Virgil doesn't appear like last time and the group must find a way to get into his room to save him from himself.

Chapter 16 - Losing and loss      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Virgil has created an unstable fusion with Hood and left Logan, Patton and Thomas in the hallway. How do you move forward after watching your friends fall?

Chapter 17 - My own worst enemy      {plain text}     {Ao3 page}

Buying time. They were meant to just be buying time for Roman and Rage to get the mirror so they could help Virgil. It seemed so simple. Fool proof almost… Instead, Patton ended up putting himself in harm’s way. The battle for Virgil continues.

Chapter 18 - Aching in my Head       {plain text}      {Ao3 page}

Although Terrence had been away, he still sensed that something was wrong and thankfully he acted on his instinct and alerted others to Thomas’ radio silence. 24hours of silence may seem like nothing to some, but for someone like Thomas, it was definitely a red flag. Terrence and Joan gain access to Thomas’ house, not entirely sure what they are expecting/hoping to find.

Chapter 19 - Bricks and Friendship      {plain text}      {Ao3 page}

It’s a new day and now Thomas must deal with the guilt of making his friends fret over his health and safety. Patton steps into his caretaker role to help Logan recover from the migraine, and they all have to adjust to the changes in the mindscape.

Chapter 20 - The final - Who I am now       {plain text}      {Ao3 page} 

[terresdebrume]

Stilts, future plans, and fanfiction projects

So, today was way more tiring than it had any right to be considering I sat on my couch all afternoon because of the damn ankle. One of my friends talked about someone she knew who had to have surgery because of multiple ankle injuries and I am so hoping it won’t come to this, urgh. But hey, I have an appointment with the physiotherapist on Tuesday, so I figure he’ll let me know if there’s a need to freak out then.

The most frustrating part about this ankle situation is, it never hurts at first. Like, when I injure my ankle (it’s got to be, what, the third time in...three years? Probably less than that, actually.) it takes me ages to notice because at first it just doesn’t hurt. By the time I realize something’s wrong, it’s already grown bad! And then of course there’s the part where I hope it’ll go away on its own for too long, which is really my bad. So anyway, as a result, I’m stuck with too-short stilts I hate, with limited mobility and control over my own body which I hate and sitting in the same position all day, which makes me hurt in different parts of the body which I hate. I have bruises under my armpits and on my ribs because of the stilts. Going to the cinema to see MIB was a pain yesterday, I didn’t go and get groceries today because the shop is two streets away and I’d rather not get a taxi for that, and tomorrow I’m going to have to deal with freaking stairs: those in my building, and those at work. Not to mention I’m suppose to walk on one foot (the whole point of the stilt) but forcing myself to do so is ridiculously hard because my body has lost all notion of what exercising means.

At least my boss said he’d see if my 2nd floor class could be switched to the 1st floor, which is nice, even though I hate that there was even the need for that, but I’m at the point where I think I’ll talk with the physiotherapist about maybe giving me a few days off from work if that’s what it takes. Man I’m so pissed this had to happen two weeks before my trip in Germany.

I think it’s really the loss of control that gets me the most. I don’t like to feel controlled. It doesn’t matter if it’s for good reasons, the minute someone (or in this case, something) tells me I have to do a thing my first instinct is to not want to do the thing. I’m all for other people controlling their own lives and bodies and things, heaven knows my family has enough trouble letting people live their lives or doing things the way they want toi for me to develop a certain aversion for the idea of being like that—but ooooh boy am I testy about keeping my own grip on things. Yes, even if it’s a bad grip, see: just about every argument I’ve ever had about cleaning my room with my mother.

To be honest, I think it gets a little excessive sometimes. It’s easier now that I’m in a place where my family definitely can’t take care of things for me, but it’s still exaggerated...and also it doesn’t play well with the anxiety sometimes. As in, I’m really really glad I’m in a place that means I don’t have to handle taxes and things like that, because ooh boy would that be a mess. I’d probably get by, but still. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that.

Actually, writing all of this makes me think maybe there’s some merit about going back to therapy. I stopped a while ago because I didn’t have the money for it, but considering I’ve changed my spending habits for the better and I’m going to be making $100more every month, I figure it can’t hurt to get back on that particular train. In fact, that might be an excellent idea...I think I’ll probably wait until I hear what the physiotherapist has to say about my ankle before I really make a decision, otherwise I’ll just stress out about what-ifs and such, but yeah. Definitely a thing I want to consider.

In different news: I wanted to write this weekend and I’ve done...almost none of that :P

It isn’t really surprising, in that I did just finish a 97.7k story after working on it almost non stop for six months, but there’s still an undercurrent of ‘why can’t I—oh right. that’s why’. I think I’ll be taking my time with the new stories—I’d like to manage to publish the Good Omens one while we’re still kind of hyped about it, but if doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen. I’ve been sticking to old (ish) fandom for my latest obsessions anyway, so that’s not going to change much. Still, I have to admit it’d be fun to feel a little bit like fandom did in 2012 (not me, personally, I have zero desire to get back to that mental state). I enjoyed feeling like I was right in the middle of things with Loki and Frostiron and such.

Ah, well, I guess I’ll just alternate between the adult high school!Napollya thing and the mutants!Ineffable Husbands thing and we’ll see which one gets finished first :P

---------

i - Interesting memory: One time as I was cleaning the table after a meal at the back of the garden, my mom and I had a five minute not-argument because she wanted me to change the way I handled it. (I was bringing back one or two pieces of tableware at a time, she wanted me to switch it up so it’d go faster, and I just went ‘why do you even care so long as it gets done???’)

[yukiwrites]

This Time, They’ll do it Right

Thank you so much for commissioning me again, @pissybritchess! This one hurt and comforted at the same time, so I hope it’s to your liking :D

Summary: Three years after suffering a miscarriage, Sonja and Niles wonder if they’ll ever be blessed with a child of their own, anxiously panicking once she gets pregnant again... this time of twins!

Commission info HERE and HERE!

Part 1 - Part 2

Healing didn't come quickly to Sonja and Niles. They took their time with their grief, and would yearly visit their baby's grave amidst the flowerbed closest to their quarters.

Sonja did her best to spend more time with as many people and animals as possible -- so she could fill her life with the joy she thought lost the day her baby was unborn. "You're a really spoiled horse, did you know, Apollo?" She snorted as she scratched her mount's ear. He leaned his head on her hand, as though telling her to never stop.

After the miscarriage, she steered away from mounting altogether, feeling the phantom pain inside her womb every time she thought of doing so. However, simply spending time with her faithful steed helped her immensely -- the beast was as tame as it could be, as well as spoiled to a fault. He refused to eat if his feed wasn't given by Sonja herself and the gods forbid someone other than her to brush him. Eventually she went back to ridding, all so as to pursue happiness again.

Apollo neighed happily, closing his eyes to enjoy her caress.

"I'm gonna get jealous, you know." Niles' voice sounded from behind them, at the stable's entrance. Apollo quietly growled. "Hah! What a little pest!"

The princess sputtered, coughing a laugh. "How many years do you think we've known each other?" She turned to her approaching husband, leaving one hand over Apollo. "You should at least be used to him by now."

Niles sneered. "Not my fault he's a monopolizing little shit. Look at that! Glaring at me like he owns you!" He placed one hand by his wife's waist, hearing the horse growl loudly. "I never even heard a horse growl before this guy."

Sonja's body trembled as she tried to hold in a laughter, to no avail. "T-this is too funny, I can't help it- You're competing with a horse!"

"Little old me? No way, little bird. I'm the one bedding you at night." He winked, licking her lips as he looked dead into Apollo's eyes. "There's no competition here."

Saying that, the retainer slightly moved Sonja out of the way, making her stop caressing the horse. That only made the princess burst into a louder laugh.

Practically carrying his wife, Niles stared back at Apollo as he dragged Sonja out, walking backwards. Too incoherent to speak, Sonja laughed all the way out, drying tears of mirth from her eyes after they were away from the stables.

"You're impossible! I can't believe you still feel jealous o-of a h-horse, pfft...!"

Niles held Sonja's chin up, closing in on her as their breaths intertwined. "What can I say? I have to mark what's mine." He licked her lips before opening his mouth for a deep kiss to which Sonja gladly succumbed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Little by little their days had started to be filled with happiness once more, though both of them avoided the subject of having children. It had been almost three years since the miscarriage, and although sex was strange at first, they never actually avoided it.

On the contrary, they could say that they were a very sexually active couple -- and yet, why didn't another pregnancy come? Afraid of the answer, they never looked for a midwife to either confirm or deny it.

Honestly, both of them still longed to have a family of their own -- that would finally make them feel like their lives were complete, and that they could finally hold the fruit of their love with their own hands. But would such fruit come to them naturally or would they need to give one of the children from Camilla's orphanage a home?

... And even if it did come naturally, would Sonja be able to see the pregnancy through the end? The dread of going through another miscarriage made her freeze in her tracks whenever she thought of bringing that up with her husband. She knew Niles shared her desire of having children, and also knew how he purposely never talked to her about it so she wouldn't go back to how she was during the first weeks after the loss.

They needn't words to communicate -- both of them knew of each other's desires and anxieties, but they also needed time to sort out their feelings as well as to muster courage to seek a professional. Meanwhile, they would enjoy their days to their fullest.

It wasn't a bad deal, really.

Up until the day Sonja first felt sick during the morning.

She jumped out of the bed and ran towards the latrines to throw up, a ritual she had done for the first 10 weeks of her failed pregnancy. With wide eyes, she slowly got back into the room, meeting Niles' equally surprised mien.

Sure, they might be looking too much into it, but Sonja had a strong stomach as well as a high tolerance for pain. The only time she ever felt so sick to the point of throwing up was when she was with child.

The princess froze by the door, one hand still over her mouth as though wiping it, the other one gripping at her sleeping gown over her stomach. "N-Niles..."

"C-calm down," he quickly ran to her side, protectively placing one hand behind her back. "We shouldn't jump to conclusions, yes? What did you eat yesterday?"

"Don't try to change the subject!" She felt her eyes burn with tears, walking at slow steps towards the fainting couch. "I know we've been avoiding talking about this, but... but I... I..." Sitting down, her eyes welled up.

Niles sat beside her, carefully wrapping his arms around her, placing her head by his bare chest. "I'm sorry for never bringing it up, but-"

"I know... I know everything, but still I- I can't help but feel so anxious- What if I'm finally pregnant again? What if I can't keep this baby either?! How will I live with myself after that?!"

"Don't!" Niles held Sonja by her shoulders, making her desperate eyes look at his pleading one. "Don't think like that, p-please, I don't want to see you that way ever again. I'm not the best at being hopeful or saying pretty things, but- let's call the midwife quickly, alright? She might laugh at our faces for jumping into conclusions, but I want to do everything right this time."

Sonja sniffled, feeling warm tears stream down her face. "I- M-me too." She brought both hands to her chest, remembering the little box which held her first baby. "I want to hold our baby into my arms, I want to tell them how happy they've made me. I-I want to meet them, oh Niles! I want to meet them!" She sobbed, throwing herself by his chest once again.

Niles' brow flickered with emotion, his eye burning with emotion as he desperately held onto his beloved, digging his face into her fluffy hair. "We'll do everything right this time, little bird."

Hearing her beloved's serious yet uncertain voice by her ear made Sonja sob louder than before, one hand protectively over her stomach the whole time. They couldn't say how long it took for them to compose themselves again, but after Sonja sniffled for the last time, she looked up to her husband with conviction.

"Don't ever let me be alone, okay?" She said with a deep voice, but before he could open his mouth to reply, she raised one finger. "I don't meant just you -- of course you have your duties with Leo and stuff. I mean to never leave me on my own; I need someone to check on me for any bleeding or to get water for me without me needing to get up and stuff. I... don't want that same situation to happen again. Never again."

"Of course, little bird." He cupped her face, placing his forehead on hers. "I'm sure Jakob's gonna be more than happy to be with you all the time... But I guess I should call Feli-- no, not her -- Lady Camilla, instead. Or Lady Azura."

Sonja snorted with her husband's selection, nudging her cheek on his. "It doesn't need to be only one person. Everyone can take turns if that's what it takes. I just can't be left alone. Promise me that, Niles."

"I'll promise a thousand times if it'll appease your heart, little bird." He smooched her lips, trailing his kisses to her pointy ear. "We'll do everything by the book this time."

Finally did the princess' shoulders sag, the anxiety temporarily melting away. She closed her eyes and enjoyed her husband's scent for a while longer.

Later, the midwife indeed laughed at them for jumping into conclusions, since no other symptoms could be found (no stress, no missing period -- yet, anyway --, no cravings etc etc), but still told them to keep an eye out for any of them from then on.

"It's common to have another pregnancy a few months after the miscarriage 'cause the woman's more fertile. Ev'ryone's their time, though, so now might be the time ya've finally healed and are ready for another try." She had said. "Keep in touch, though, an' we can arrange for me to move to the servant tower closest to  here to keep an eye on ya if ya so unsure."

"Please move in right away." Sonja said reflexively. "I doubt my brothers will notice the movements of a new servant or two at the tower, so you can leave the moving all to me." She never let go of her husband's hand, looking for much-needed support. "Of course, I'll compensate for your time and any clients you might lose with the moving, even if I turn out not to be pregnant, but... I need every precaution this time."

The woman had had an air of mirth from the start, but soon her expression hardened with Sonja's speech, seriously taking it all. "Alright, then I'll be yer shadow from now on. But only time will tell if yer really expectin'."

Husband and wife exchanged glances, tightening their grips on each other's hands. "No matter how long it takes." They replied in unison.

The following weeks were filled with anxiety and anxiety counter-measurements. Sonja shouldn't feel stressed if she truly were pregnant, after all. Whenever she did, she would -- veeeery slowly -- walk towards the stables to pamper her horse.

"I'm sorry I won't be able to ride you today either, Apollo. I might not for a while, too." She patted his nose, "you need to be a good boy and let other people care for you, okay? It might take me a while to come back here."

The horse neighed with distraught, lightly nibbling at his master's hair. Sonja laughed. "Don't be so pouty! I need you to promise me, c'mon!"

Apollo looked away, and if he could puff his cheeks, he would have at that moment. Sonja placed both hands over her hips.

"Apoollloo..." She threatened, making him lower his head and turn his ears back. Finally he conceded and begrudgingly neighed in accordance. "There's a good boy! Who's a good boy?" The princess squeezed his sides, making it neigh happily.

By the entrance, Jakob watched in amusement. "It truly does look like the beast understands you, milady. It's a wonder you understand it as well."

Apollo growled, glaring at the butler, then turned his face away. Sonja laughed. "He shows everything on his face, though. But thanks for accompanying me, Jakob."

"At your service, milady," Jakob bowed, narrowing his eyes to the impudent horse. "Were Niles here, he would most likely bicker... with the horse, after all. I AM the most suited to assist you in your every need, however."

Sonja giggled, happy to be able to do so. Despite the anxiety, she was so very glad to be surrounded by people who cared for her and were ready to be there for her should anything happen.

She wouldn't let that happen again. Not this time.

A few weeks later, they finally confirmed that Sonja's period was late by at least 12 days, so they've redoubled their attention. Paranoid, she would take as long as one minute to take one step whenever she wanted to take a walk, taking the 'take it easy' line way too literally.

"You know you don't need to be this careful, right?" She would hear many a person say it, but she chose to ignore it. Niles even started to walk slower on his day-to-day duties since he got used to accompanying his wife.

By the 8th week, the midwife noticed something strange during their weekly examination. "Oh, my. My! My!" She lifted her head from under the blanket, gesturing for Sonja to close her legs and compose herself. "It's been a while since I saw this!"

Immediately did husband and wife hold hands, their chests cold with dread. "See what, lady?" He asked brusquely, cold sweat streaming down his back.

They didn't notice how happy the woman was, but that was understandable, so she cleared her throat before saying: "There's room for two here!" She winked. "If I'm right, ya'll start growing a bump two weeks from now!"

Sonja felt faint, quickly lying her head back at the pillow. "Niles-what did she say? Did I hear that right or-"

Befuddled, Niles took one hand to his forehead, slicking his bangs back. "Two?" he mumbled, squeezing his wife's hand, not knowing if he should laugh or cry. "Two?!"

The princess giggled nervously, the world twirling around her. "Are you really sure about that?" She breathed out, not being able to focus on the nearby midwife.

"My predictions are usually right, ya know. As I said 'fore, only time will tell, but I'm purty sure you'll have two, yep."

Barely did the words reach Sonja, she brought her free hand to her mouth in emotion, her eyes immediately welling up. "T-twins...!" She sniffled, turning to place her head by her husband's leg. "Oh, Niles!"

"Hah, hahah..." The retainer laughed nervously, not wanting to show that much emotion while the midwife watched, but barely being able to contain his feelings. "We'll do this right, we will..." he managed to say despite the lump growing inside his throat, slowly bending down to his wife so as to make their foreheads touch.

Realizing that they needed their time, the midwife quietly left the room, taking it upon herself to deliver these babies. She wouldn't let another miscarriage happen, by the gods! Not with such loving couple and wonderful parents.

Her predictions were on point, after all: after barely two weeks, Sonja already had to change out from her usual pants and wear looser dresses -- the bump started to sprout.

The morning she saw it, the princess could barely contain her emotion, breaking down in tears in front of the mirror -- she had gotten only as big during the first pregnancy, though it had taken double the time. She would see herself grow more and more, for sure. For sure.

Seeing the bump grow brought even more resolve to the couple's heart, as well as more anxiety and paranoia. Every single time Sonja chose to lie down during the day, she never used a blanket to cover herself. Last time, she hadn't noticed the bleeding because it was under the covers. Not again.

She would also keep the jug of water by their bedside table, so she wouldn't need to get up to take it. Not again.

Every day, Niles would talk Jakob's ear off, resulting in a daily bickery about how the butler is already qualified to take care of his lady, thank you very much and how the retainer had to bring up the past mistakes so as to keep him on edge. Not again.

Of course, Niles never left his Lord wanting regarding his own duties, but his mind would always drift back to his wife, expectation and dread beating side by side in his heart.

Their nervousness reached its peak once Sonja reached the 20th week -- the same point she had reached last time. They could barely form words during that entire week, always treating Sonja as though she were glass. Once it passed, the princess cried a little, laughing as her husband said that they've gotten a new record and that they would keep breaking it until the end.

The rate which Sonja's stomach would grow was astonishing -- twins really did need a lot of space! She already looked like 8 months pregnant at bit past four months. Camilla would visit often to gush over her tiny nephews as well as to give Sonja a really good oil for the skin so she wouldn't have lingering stretch marks after the birthing.

"You'll let me apply every so often, won't you, darling? I so want to feel my little babies as much as I can!" Camilla would say sometimes, always trying to look for a tiny head or a foot as she inspected Sonja's growing belly.

The feeling of having someone (someones!) growing inside of her was magical and strange at the same time -- she could feel whenever they moved, and would giggle, imagining that they would be fighting for space inside that cramped womb.

"Don't worry, little ones, you'll have plenty of room to grow once you're here with Mommy." She would whisper whenever they moved, so very much looking forward to meet them already!

More often than not, Niles would miss the times whence the babies moved, pouting before filling his wife's belly with kisses. "You rascals! I won't let you elude me forever!"

Slowly but surely did their anxiety over a miscarriage faded, all the while Sonja grew more and more each day. The morning Niles could actually see a little foot through Sonja's belly was the most emotional he had felt ever since first finding out she was pregnant, all those years ago. He was uncharacteristically happy that entire day, his wide smile creeping Leo out.

Sonja stopped taking long walks once her legs swelled up to the point of her not being able to go down a flight of stairs without a great amount of effort. The day she dropped her book while getting up was also one filled with mirth: she couldn't for the life of her to bend herself down to fetch it, awkwardly letting Niles take it for her as he laughed her ears off for hours.

Sometimes he would sputter out of nowhere, prompting Sonja to elbow him on the stomach. He would still, laugh, however, feeling so utterly happy, not only from the good joke.

They would often lie awake on each other's arms -- Niles always hugging Sonja from behind so as to caress her belly -- unbelieving of their situation. She was due soon, sooner than they actually felt prepared to. The pregnancy, despite filled with anxiety, insecurities and lots of slow-walking, went by so fast.

More than once did they talk about how should they name the babies, but without knowing their genders, they were forced to think up two names of each gender, not knowing which of them to choose should a boy-girl pair end up being born instead.

Sonja had chosen the names for the boys while Niles chose the ones for the girls, both of them scarcely believing that they were at that stage already.

For peace of mind's sake, they had made the midwife move to the anteroom of their quarters, so she would be close at any given time.

Every single discomfort Sonja felt was reported to the midwife, who would scold her for startling everyone because of gases or constipation.

"But this time- this time I know it's different-" she said one afternoon, pressing at her belly to check. "I can't feel this level of pain, but I'm sure it should be hurting a lot by now."

"Oh, alright, lemme check." The midwife gave in, making Sonja sit so she could lift her skirt. "Oh, my. It's true! Your water's gonna leak anytime now, dear."

"Hah! What did I tell you-" Sonja's cheekiness kicked in quicker than the surprise and expectation did. "Oh. Oh gods. It's really happening? Jakob- JAKOB!" She gripped at the mattress as the midwife quickly went back to the anteroom to get everything ready. The butler promptly opened the door right away.

"Did you cal-"

"Go get Niles, now!" She huffed, not actually feeling any pain, but knowing that the contractions were happening.

Panicked, the butler stuttered something akin to 'is it coming-' before turning on his heel and running back to fetch his lady's husband. Soon the midwife's whole staff was on standby, counting the frequency of her contractions not by her cries of pain, but by how often the water leaked from her.

Niles arrived not too long after, too anxious to even speak, simply kneeling by the bed and holding his wife's hand the whole time. They exchanged glances, their sweaty foreheads matching as finally Sonja felt pain -- it was time to start pushing.

Compared to when she had lost her baby, pushing an entire one out wasn't so hard -- she just needed to breathe and squeeze her husband's hand to near bone-shattering. The moment Sonja heard the first cry, she started sobbing.

"My baby- My baby... let me see it!" She cried, lifting her free hand.

"Concentrate! There's still one more to push!" The midwife said as the first baby was being washed by her assistant.

"It's a boy!" The girl said, wrapping the pointy-eared baby on a warm towel.

"Kana!!!" Sonja cried out, pushing the second baby with everything she had. Niles was torn between looking at his crying wife, his crying son or waiting to hear the cry of his second baby.

Not three minutes later did another wailing start, louder than the first one. "Ohh, this one's got a strong lung!" The midwife laughed, "and it's a girl!"

Niles finally broke down, his shoulders sagging so much he almost melted onto the mattress. "Nina...!" He sniffled, letting go of Sonja's hand to welcome his tiny daughter on his arms at the same time she did with their son.

Both of them had matching pointy ears, just like Sonja's. "They're your spitting image, Sonja. I demand more children so they can look like me." He tried to joke under his sobs, giving his index for the tiny red baby to grasp. She gripped it with the most strength her oh so very small fingers could muster, making Niles' chin tremble with emotion.

"Oh, Niles, they're so small!" Sonja cried. "Finally, finally our family is--" She sobbed, ever so softly kissing Kana's head. "Finally we're complete."

[aquarianlights]

The story of how I gave my psych an anxiety attack yesterday....Whoops.

Giving my psychologist an anxiety attack is something I never thought I would be able to cross off on my bucket list because it wasn't on my bucket list but now it is and now it is crossed off.... 😂😂😂😂😂 

"...[huge breath coz I had just said like...a 30 page essay in one breath as fast as humanly possible, jumping back and forth from topic to topic, but staying on track with the main point and tying it all together at the end] AND, in conclusion, that's basically how I'm gonna fix everything." [smiles] My psych is literally not breathing at this point, looking at me over his glasses, tousled mousy brown hair falling into his eyes as his jaw hangs slightly ajar and he is just speechless for a second.

"....Drew. Drew? Dreeeeeew. HEELLOOOO?" Literally get up off my chair and start waving my hands in front of his face. "LEONARD!!!!" Snapping fingers at him.

He blinks and looks up at me and literally just grabs my shoulders and gets up and sits me down on the other, larger couch and he sits---more like collapses---down beside me... and is like "We need to do some deep breathing exercises."

"You know I don't d-"

"Not for you, Kills. For me. For me. Just LISTENING to all of that is giving me anxiety. I feel like I need to breathe into a paper bag. Oh my god. Just...just hold on. Wow." I start snickering. He holds up a finger sharply. "You be quiet, you tiny little blonde ball of chaos." I purse my lips as he breathes a little bit and then opens his eyes and goes back to his chair and swivels around to look at me and goes "Okay. So. I KNOW that you know that I and every other doctor and psych and just about every human being on this PLANET knows that you have the most drive and...damn, EVERYTHING I have ever seen from a human being. I'm sure you've been told this. About how driven and passionate you are?" "I literally just had a back to back rheumatology and chronic pain appointment and they both said they wish they could book me to quote on quote preach to their chronic pain sufferers because 99% of them won't fight against their illnesses and just give up and won't do physical therapy at all or decide it's not worth it for this reason or that and they say that my passion and drive and my energy on stage would probably motivate them to get off their asses and do something to get REAL RESULTS like I have gotten. LIKE LIKE LIKE" I roll up my sleeve as much as I can, jumping up off the couch. "I lost 20lbs and gained 10lbs of muscle in about a month or so with just pure physical therapy and now I can do things I've never been able to do in my WHOLE LIFE!" My psych is back to just staring at me, only just barely breathing. I had my hands raised in a hallelujah position and was practically about to do some parkour tricks on the couches but the bottom ligaments in my spine are so slightly out alignment that if I make one wrong move, it could permanently paralyze me in some way or at least trigger some bad scoliosis. So I restrain myself and clench my fists and bring them down in front of me, bouncing on my heels. "Drew? DREEEEEEEEEEEW? YOU'RE DOING IT AGAINNNNN!" He does this all the time with me coz, as with p much every since psych I ever see (psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, counselor, and all inbetween alike), I am always their "most interesting patient. And on top of that, I either turn out to be their "least favourite" patient (the patient from hell) or their most favourite patient (the "can I put you in a trial please or at least have one of my colleagues come sit in on a session?" patient). I'm the latter with him and he loves me to death because I make him laugh constantly throughout the sessions we have.... and since coping skills don't work for me, I make up my own and they are usually fucking hilarious and he finds them hilarious, too. We have a lot of fun and he always wishes we could have more time because I'm like... the thing he looks forward to in his days (his words, not mine) and it makes me laugh because sessions with him are things I look forward to. BUT WHEN I GO OUT OF CONTROL OR SAY SOMETHING TOTALLY RIDICULOUS, HE DOES THIS THING WHERE HE PUTS ON A REALLY MOCK-DRAMATIC LOOK AND LOOKS AT ME OVER HIS GLASSES WITH BROWS RAISED, BUT FURROWED...AND LEANING BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND RAISING HIS ARMS IN THE "WHYYYY" OR "NOOO" POSITION AND JUST LOOKING AT ME TOTALLY AGHAST SO I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON COZ I CAN'T READ PEOPLE AT ALL. But no. He was legitimately having an inward, controlled anxiety attack. He goes "Killian. I went through medical school. Do you understand that? You KNOW what medical school entails. I know you know it because YOU'RE LIVING IT..." Taking a deep breath and laughs shakily. "Fuck, Kills. You uh... Your thoughts are way too fast for your mouth so you're definitely going into the right field, I'm sure you've heard that. I really hope you go into trauma. You'd love that, I'm sure, with the bloodlust you have and the quick pace and high pressure and high stress you need. I KNOW nothing can be slow for you but......" Another REALLY deep breath, this time eyes closed. When his eyes opened, he was very serious with me and we NEVER get serious. It's always comical in SOME way. The serious things are even comical because I'm just.... "that guy" who is pure puns and finger guns and all fun, y'know. He goes, "My point is, medical school entails the stress you never imagine you can handle... But what you're taking on right now? ALL the things you just listed off---and I know that's just the major things and that there are plenty of little things that you didn't mention in your ...rant...---are too much for even ME to handle. Are too much for a PROFESSIONAL to handle." Me: "But...I'm handling it like a boss ass bitch. I've got all of this under wraps and like I said, as soon as everyone else falls into line and does their parts, which they all obviously are needing my help on since they're all either coming to me or are lost without me, then all of my problems will be cleared up because I just now cleared up all of my major stressors." Then I go into rant mode and get excited, forgetting that my psych is already on the verge of an anxiety attack. Basically ranting about "BECAUSE YOU SEE I DID, X, X, AND X AND Y, Y, AND Y HAPPENED BECAUSE OF MY TAKING INITIATIVE WITH Z, Z, AND Z AND EVERYTHING IS FALLING RIGHT INTO PLACE DUE TO MY EXCELLENCE except like, you know, this chronic pain thing is a bitch, BUT I'M HANDLING THAT TOO BECAUSE I GOT ANOTHER MAJOR ANSWER I NEEDED and now I just need to follow through with that on Monday and then ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD AND-" Total tangent mode, full on pacing his office, jumping on the couches like a fox, waving my hands, playing with my hair, laughing, spinning coz I'm excited and proud at how well I'm doing and suddenly.... I turn around.... My psych is literally face down on the floor, planking position, just... total defeat, slid out of his chair onto the floor kinda, RIP Drew. Lmao. I stopped mid-sentence and dropped my hands to my side and cocked my head like a puppy and blinked twice and approached him and slid down into a sitting position on top of my legs....and put my fingers on his neck to take his pulse. When I hear a grunt of "I'm not dead, I'm just taking a break from hurricane Killian, who is a category 10." I purse my lips and snicker. "I was born and raised in Florida. There's no such thing as a cate-" "KILLIAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN I AM GOING TO WALK OUT OF THIS OFFICE WITH MY ENTIRE HEAD OF BEAUTIFUL, LUSCIOUS FULL HEAD OF HAIR BALDING AND GREY. BE QUIET, LITTLE BALL OF CHAOS." I snicker a little more and start poking him. "Hey. Hey, Drew. Drew. We're wasting time. OH There was a breakthrough in neuroscience about mapping the active distraction versus passive distraction part of the brain so let's just induce some active distraction of our own since we don't have anything in pills to do that yet or anytime soon. That meaaaaaaaaaaans....." [long groan from Drew] "GAME TIME!!!!" Drew pushes himself up off the floor and sits cross legged opposite me and takes my face in his hands and goes, "No. You listen to me. I am naming you Kill Switch both in hopes that it will somehow slow you the fuck down and because your mind and your words and you, yourself move so fast and have so much energy and so much drive that you just shut everyone else down around you because no one can keep up. Hell, /I/ can barely keep up. Not bragging, but I can keep up with almost anything. That being said..." He literally squishes my cheeks together and gets up close and personal and I'm trying to suppress laughter at this point and trying not to grab his wrists to pry him off of me coz he was in serious mode now and I am almost never serious anymore unless I'm being a drama whore and having a bad day and need attention and writing about it everywhere in rants about what bad, awful thing happened and how I need everyone's support and way more attention than usual (which isn't a lie, but it's still just me being a drama whore) AND HE KNOWS THIS....but when we first met, he DID say "Under all the jokes and puns and that...that thing you do [finger guns] and all the running around and smiling and laughing... You seriously have some intense pain. I mean, I have never felt that kinda pain radiating off of someone before. You're coming back to see me again, right?" I played it off like it was nothing, but then went out to my car and cried coz he couldn't be more right and no one knows or notices that all of that is just a facade for the pain. (Or if they do notice, which is highly unlikely, then they definitely don't care.) He squished my cheeks together and got up close and person and practically put his forehead against mine so that our eyes were literally locked and I COULD NOT look away even if I wanted to. That's the first time I noticed his eyes were green. He spoke very quietly, which is not in EITHER of our nature. We are both very loud and very up-front, blunt, confident, pretty ridiculous people. The loud part is important because he was speaking quietly which never happens. If I speak quietly? Run. So that's when I stopped laughing...and also WHY I stopped laughing and swallowed instead and looked him in the eyes and DID NOT blink. "The amount of things you are taking on right now... in addition to everything else... is a cocktail for being institutionalized. Or, at the BARE minimum, hospitalization." He paused for a moment to let me take that in, because we both knew the implication of it. The last ward I was in...the psych found out the pattern of my 20+ other institutionalizations and how I was playing the system and my "ward persona" and had a whole report written up that is now in my record stating that all of the times I had been recommended for permanent state ward transferal that had been shot down by my lying and manipulation via the "ward persona" I put on to work the system and get out as quickly as possible... should be dealt with and taken seriously and gone through with the next time I was institutionalized. It's in my record. We've both read the report. We both know the next time I get institutionalized will be my last... I will be sent to a state ward and I will never get out or at least not get out in a very, VERY long time and I will be a hollow shell of the amazing, driven, passionate person with an actually attainable dream I have turned myself into if that were to happen. So I just...took a moment.. and swallowed and averted my gaze and pulled away from him and tried to laugh it off. "Leonard." He hates it when I call him by his full name. I go into my signature pose and smirk at him, eyes glinting with playfulness. "I am a boss as bitch and I am handling all of this better than I handled by entire life. I have learned and implemented more actually healthy coping mechanisms in the past...almost a year now... than I have ever even tried in my 8 years in therapy and pretty much LIVING in and out psych wards. I've got this. You know I've got this. And even if YOU don't know I've got this... /I/ know I've got this. And as long as I have faith in myself, I am unstoppable." I raise my arms like I am the christian/catholic god him or herself and look up to the sky, close my eyes and smile, then back down to him, eyes open, locked, focused, driven, and dazzling with utter passion as the most genuine and sadistic of smiles crosses my lips. Drew sighs, cups his chin in one hand and leans his arm on his knee, both of us still on the floor, and he smiles back, the warmth of it spreading even into his eyes. I lower my arms and cross them and shrug. "All that matters is what I think and as long as I'm pragmatic about it, it's all uphill from here." Drew just shakes his head, eyes closed now, but warm smile spreading wider on his face before he starts chuckling and looks at me again, tears at the corners of his eyes. "You are like the one roller coaster ride that every kid wants to ride when they're little but are too scared to do it but get dared to by their friends and they all end up riding it anyways and all of them end up practically traumatized from the fear of it until they get off and wander back out into the park and catch their breath. ....and then they turn to each other and suddenly all scream at once that they wanna ride it again and run right back into the line for the same terrifying roller coaster that just almost traumatized them permanently." "You always have the worst metaphors, you know that?" He starts laughing. "And you gave me a literal anxiety attack and I'm guessing you didn't even know it until just now so I get a free pass on my horrible metaphors." He pulls himself up and then helps me up off the ground and I fall back into the couch and he collapses back into the chair. We're silent for a sec which is VERY rare. Then I look at him and go "Did I SERIOUSLY give you an anxiety attack?" He didn't even hesitate. "YES!!!!!" practically pulling himself out of the chair, laughing, but being totally serious. I purse my lips. ".....yikes." Another rare pause as he settles himself back into his chair and sighs, shaking his head. "What exactly did I do to give you an anxiety attack?" He stares at me in disbelief. "...Well, I guess this guy that diagnosed you as a sociopath was pretty spot on." He smiles at me and thinks for a second, holding up one finger. I hate it when he pauses to think because everything comes so quickly for me and I pause for nothing and when things are slow and/or stagnant, I feel this weird bubbly feeling in my chest and my throat feels like it is closing up and everything gets hot and I start clawing at myself and it's really awful because NO ONE is ever going as fast as me in mind, body, and DEFINITELY not as articulately as I do with my words when I go into rant/tirade/monologue/speech mode. No one can EVER keep up with me.... ever. "Killian. I'm gonna give you some resources on anxiety coz I know you have been asking for them and I managed to compile some and now I see you REALLY need them coz I know you HAVE the ability to comprehend it, but you're going to need a lot of help to do so. I see you putting in the effort every session that we talk about it... but you're still not grasping it. So I've compiled some more, uh...easy-to-learn resources for you on it." He reaches in his drawer with papers and sticky notes and hands it to me. I skim through it while he says; "Oh, and by the way? All of the things you listed? All the things you're taking on? All of those leadership roles you're playing right now in your personal, professional, and every other life you have...? All the... Okay, I can't. I cannot go over all the things because I'm going to stress MYSELF out. So..." I look up from the papers. "THAT is what gave me an anxiety attack. Luckily, I can easily control mine, but I am exhausted just by LISTENING to everything you're doing right now. I don't know how you're still standing alert and energetic and driven and passionate after all the times you've been knocked down so far....and after everything you've gone through... and with ALL of these things you're taking on? You need to............ you need to do EXACTLY what your physical therapist said, only for your MIND, not just your body and..." "...no..." "Slow..." "...don't..." "...DOWN..." "...GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, DREW. IS2G, I'M GONNA-" And that's possibly the most serious therapy session I have had in a long time and it was also possible the hardest in a long time. And I crossed a thing off my bucket lisst that I didn't know was on my bucket list and didn't even want to be on my bucket list. There is the story of how I gave my psych an anxiety attack. ***Story is obvs not verbatim because I do not have an eidetic memory. But this is p much exactly what happened and I’m not exaggerating in the slightest because we are both VERY dramatic people...which is probably why we get along so well....Lmao.

[bloojayoolie]

Children, Click, and Dogs: 29418 r old, 48.1 lbs A big ball of mush wrapped in the coat of a tiny tiger. Soft to the touch light of spirit and of heart. Walks excitedly on leash & is happy to rest at your feet for a quiet stay in the park. iting 4 LOVE @ Manhattan ACC TO BE KILLED - 4/6/2018 A TIGER-PRINTED LOVE BUG <3 Just 1 year old, wiggly and friendly and happily conquering the world. A volunteer writes: Nothing sharp, prickly, or even a tiny bit scratchy here. Just a big ball of mush wrapped in the coat of a tiny tiger. And with toes that tap and eyes that shine, and two wrinkly ears that are always listening. 1 year-old Spike is the first to greet me on the day I arrive, announcing "I'm here! I'm ready!" from within his kennel, with his tapping toes and a quick, blurry tail. But something tells me this is a "best for last" situation. So while a fellow volunteer snags her chance with our vanilla brindled boy, I slip out the door to first meet a few others, all of them ready for a walk. Sure enough and not long after I pass by, and who's there to greet me? "I'm here! I'm ready!" his wiggly frame says. And powerless against him, a little bean just ready to jump, I slip on his leash and away we go, out to the air and the concrete jungle. Little Spike is just a young cub at 1 year-old, and those little toes are itching to see the world. And while he walks excitedly on leash and is prone to a jump or two (our little bean), he's also happy to rest at your feet for a quiet stay in the park, or at your side on any sun-filled day. Given Spike's young age, he would do best with an experienced family who can show this little cub the ways of the jungle (concrete or otherwise) and give him the structure, love, and toe-tapping time he needs to become his very best self. A big ball of mush wrapped in the coat of a tiny tiger. One soft to the touch, light of spirit and of heart, and ready to meet you today. Spike is waiting in adoptions at Manhattan ACC. VIDEOs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbsodWQNvkE https://youtu.be/cfJmD0YLZbk SPIKE ID# 23418 MANHATTAN ACC 1 year old, 48.1 lbs BROWN BRINDLE / WHITE MALE Medium Mixed Breed Cross Intake Date: 03-22-2018 SHELTER ASSESSMENT: EXPERIENCED HOME My health has been checked. My vaccinations are up to date. My worming is up to date. I have been microchipped. BEHAVIOR ASSESSMENT: Date of intake:: 3/22/2018 Spay/Neuter status:: No Means of surrender (length of time in previous home):: Stray Date of assessment:: 3/25/2018 Look:: 2. Dog's eyes are averted, body posture is stiff and fearful, tail is low and not moving. Dog allows head to be held loosely in Assessor's cupped hands. Sensitivity:: 2. Dog stands still and accepts the touch, eyes are averted, tail is between legs, body stiff, mouth closed, lip long, ears likely back, may lip lick. Tag:: 2. Dog is fearful but unresponsive when touched. Approaches the Assessor when the game ends. Dog is likely crouching, may have a long lip or lip lick. Paw squeeze 1:: 2. Dog quickly pulls back. Paw squeeze 2:: 2. Dog quickly pull back. Flank squeeze 1:: Item not conducted Flank squeeze 2:: Item not conducted Toy:: 2. Dog takes toy away, keeps a firm hold. His/her body is between you and the toy, and is loose and wiggly. No growling or stiffness. Summary:: Spike approached the assessor in the assessment room a bit hesitantly. He was a bit tense during the handling portion of the assessment but did allowed all handling. Summary:: Based on behavior observed in the care center, Spike may be most compatible with female dogs who are playful and social. He appeared tense and uncomfortable greeting the male helper dog. History around dogs is unknown due to arriving as a stray. Summary (1):: 3/23: When introduced off leash to a female dog, Spike greets politely and continues to follow and sniff her. Summary (2):: 3/24: Spike greets a female dog politely and eventually attempts to mount. He is stiff when greeting a male dog through the gate. Summary (3):: 3/25: Spike is vocal and exuberant at play. Summary (4):: 3/27-4/5 Spike engages in exuberant play with female dogs. Date of intake:: 3/22/2018 Summary:: Spike had a loose body and barked, he allowed all handling. Date of initial:: 3/22/2018 Summary:: Spike had a loose body and allowed all handling. ENERGY LEVEL:: We have no history on Spike so we cannot be certain of his behavior in a home environment. However, he is a young, enthusiastic, social dog who will need daily mental and physical activity to keep him engaged and exercised. We recommend long-lasting chews, food puzzles, and hide-and-seek games, in additional to physical exercise, to positively direct his energy and enthusiasm. IN SHELTER OBSERVATIONS:: 4/5 Update Spike appears to be rapidly deteriorating in the care center. At times when approached by staff, volunteers or any members of the public Spike growls and lunges towards the kennel door. He has also been observed to sit/lay at the back of the kennel, facing the back, unable to be coerced forward and letting out a growl with prolonged greeting. Outside of his kennel, while he still remains fairly social, he appears stressed, anxious and in a heightened state of arousal as he has now begun to react to other dogs and human passerby on leash occasionally. Out of concern for his stress level and mental health, we believe Spike should be placed in a home or with a rescue partner as soon as possible. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION:: EXPERIENCE (suitable for an adopter with some previous dog experience, especially with the behaviors outlined below) Behavior Asilomar: TM - Treatable-Manageable Recommendations:: No young children (under 5) Recommendations comments:: No young children: Based on Spike's level of fear in addition to the anxiety observed in the care center, a home without young children is recommended at this time. Potential challenges: : Fearful,On-leash reactivity/barrier frustration Potential challenges comments:: Fearful: Spike is a bit fearful at the care center. It is important to always go slow and give Spike the option to walk away from any social interaction. Spike should never be forced to approach anything that she is uncomfortable with or to submit to petting or handling. It should always be Spike’s choice to approach a new person or thing. Spike would do best in an initially calm and quiet home environment and should be given time to acclimate to his new surroundings. On leash reactivity/barrier frustration: Spike has recently been observed to react to other dogs and human passerby on leash, lunging towards them, barking and growling. We cannot be certain if this behavior will continue once placed into a home environment but we recommend reward based training to teach him to look at you rather than other dogs and novel stimuli that may startle him. We recommend a front clip harness or head halter to help manage this behavior. My medical notes are... Weight: 48.125 lbs Vet Notes 22/03/2018 DVM Intake Exam Estimated age: 10-16 months based on dentition and secondary sex characteristics Microchip noted on Intake? Scanned negative History : Stray, had one episode of bloody diarrhea in admissions room - parvo test was negative. Subjective: Alert, barks anxiously when tethered to the wall Observed Behavior - Waggling body, allows all handling Evidence of Cruelty seen - None Evidence of Trauma seen - None Objective BAR-H, MMs pink and moist, BCS 5/9 EENT: AD moderate discharge, mild erythema. AS clean, no erythema. Eyes clear, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: Clean adult teeth. PLN: No enlargements noted H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated U/G: Male intact, testicles small, soft and symmetrical MSI: Small linear scab (2 cm long) on left lateral thorax. Decreased weight bearing on the left leg, mildly decreased muscle mass in the left quads compared to the right, and decreased left hip extension. Skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities Rectal: Normal externally Assessment: 1. One episode of bloody diarrhea - R/O dietary indiscretion vs. stress colitis vs. other cause 2. Otitis externa AD 3. Scab on left side - R/O minor trauma 4. Decreased muscle mass LHL and lameness on this leg - R/O hip dysplasia vs. other chronic problem Prognosis: Good Plan: 1. Cleaned ears and instilled Osurnia AD - repeat in 1 week 2. Hip rads at time of neuter - evaluate for hip dysplasia SURGERY: Okay for surgery 1088 23/03/2018 Brief recheck Hx: Day 1 diarrhea reported on monitoring board today, 3/23. Intake was done yesterday and p did have one episode of bloody diarrhea. S/O: -p is BAR, moving around in cage, wagging tail. -no other reported concerns from med staff -no c/s/v -no nasal or ocular discharge A: Diarrhea - r/o stress colitis vs dietary indiscretion vs parasitic vs other P: ctm. if diarrhea does not resolve or worsens, consider fecal testing and starting fortiflora, +/- SQ fluids, +/- metronidazole 5/04/2018 Monitor for CIRDC S/O -BAR, high energy in kennel -scant serous nasal discharge, no sneezing or coughing noted or reported -appears eupnic A 1. Scant SND, suspect behavioral/normal P -CTM * TO FOSTER OR ADOPT * If you would like to adopt a dog on our “To Be Killed” list, and you CAN get to the shelter in person to complete the adoption process *within 48 hours of reserve*, you can reserve the dog online until noon on the day they are scheduled to die. We have provided the Brooklyn, Staten Island and Manhattan information below. Adoption hours at these facilities is Noon – 8:00 p.m. (6:30 on weekends) HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://newhope.shelterbuddy.com/Animal/List Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction Animal Care Centers of NYC (ACC) nycacc.org HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications.

[starlightafterastorm]

i was tagged by @imkait​ to do this SUPER LONG questionnaire. Also I totally stole some of your answers :P 

ALSO shoutout to my best friend @somebooksmakeusfree for talking me through the mild panic attack i had when i had to think of something i was talented at and could not for the life of me find an answer. 

anyways i tag @anthropologicalhands​, @risssaar​, @millennialfangirl​

last text sent: to my best friend. we’ve been geeking out over Riverdale and Cole Sprouse for the last two weeks.  list three favourite colours: blue, black, and red what time did you wake up today?: 6 what were you doing last night at midnight?: writing questions for an interview with someone from the fundraising department of NMNH, half asleep.  name something you can’t wait for: Riverdale next week.  when was the last time you saw your mother: this past Tuesday! She came out to see me on my Spring Break which was really nice.  one thing you wish you could change about your life: more money, more sleep, less depression, less anxiety, no migraines what’s getting on your nerves right now?: I’m so stressed about school, and getting enough hours in my internship,and my writing requirement, and graduating, and finding a job, and LIFE. favorite tv shows: veronica mars, riverdale, arrow, when calls the heart, criminal minds, miraculous ladybug, cutthroat kitchen, etc. etc. etc. I mean I can keep listing shows... first best friend: A girl named Bee who moved away in the 6th grade. We’re still facebook friends but we’re not really in touch.  listening to right now: LITTLE MIX. I BLAME YOU KAIT.  3 fears: I HAVE HERPETOPHOBIA. PHOBIA OF LIZARDS. DO NOT LIKE. IMMEDIATE TEARS. Other than that I fear failure and the future 4 turn ons: dry sense of humor/wit, nice smile, deep voice, kindness 4 turn offs: people who don’t read, bigotry, lack of empathy, just meanies in general >:( sexual orientation: heterosexual (probably? mostly? I’ve never been in a position to really test that out and I’ve always stood by the point that gender wouldn’t matter if I loved a person) senior quote in your yearbook: Dude I don’t even know. I feel like I blocked out a lot of high school memories.  first thing you notice in a new person: height I guess? whether or not they’re smiling? shoe size: 6.5-7.5 depending on the shoe.  eye color: brown hair color: dark brown  favorite item of clothing: A black leather and lace jacket I got from LA for like $25 or my brown and black brocade corset.  what color underwear you’re wearing rn: dark gray with light pink polka dots ultimate bias: ? what does this mean ultimate bias group: ? what does this meaaaaaan favourite season: fall how much time did you spend designing your blog: not long? It’s one of the free themes. I should change it up I think.  the reason you joined tumblr: my best friend convinced me to join do you ever get ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’ texts?: not really no?  when did you last hold hands: I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I link arms a lot but the last time i think i held someone’s hand may be high school? Maybe it happened once or twice in undergrad?  how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?: eh. anywhere from 10 min to 1 hour. depends on how much effort i actually put into it.  have you shaved your legs in the past three days?: no i wax where are you right now?: on my bed trying to convince myself to go and make dinner do you like music loud or at a reasonable level?: I usually listen on headphones but if not I feel like I listen at a reasonable level? I’m always paranoid about how much my neighbor can hear me. (Although honestly i don’t give a shit anymore with how loud she is). 3 things you love: lipstick, books, french fries how you feel right now: i have a bit of a migraine. Not eating is probably not helping.  something you really really want: to have a jooooob, where i get paid with moooooney, someone hire me pleaseeeeee.  3 things that upset you: what doesn’t upset me, honestly what do you find attractive in other people?: didn’t i already answer this? 3 habits you have: biting my nails (which is why i wear nail polish), making a high pitched sound when startled, and flailing a lot with my hands, especially when excited.  something you fantasize about: being gainfully employed something you’re talented at: ... um... i don’t know? My best friend said “Cooking and writing and logistics”  the last person that reblogged something from you: @maggisesk do you smoke/drink: no your favorite food: french fries. and burgers. i really want some right now.  your favorite dessert: lemon meringue pie what you did yesterday: I worked at my internship from 8-5, cataloguing items from a 5,000 item loan. Guess what I did today? Guess what I’m gonna do tomorrow?  number of kids you want: none. absolutely none. nope. nada. no kids. DO NOT WANT.  number of siblings you have: zilch something that’s constantly on your mind: I can guarantee you it’s an OTP. Which specific otp it is depends on the week. these past two weeks, it’s been Bughead. and also Jack and Elizabeth from When Calls the Heart. The week before that was the Doctor and Rose. IT’S ALWAYS AN OTP.  last person you messaged on tumblr: alissa @somebooksmakeusfree  can you drive?: yes, technically. honestly the past two years I’ve only driven while I have my car in CA and that was just at the christmas breaks. and only in my tiny hometown.  what state or part of the world do you live in?: washington, DC are you in school?: yes but the end is so close i can almost taste it do you get grossed out easily?: depends, a bit yes  somewhere you would like to visit for a week: ALISSA. LET’S RUN AWAY TO SCOTLAND TOGETHER I’ll love you if …: you talk to me about my OTP’s  last show you binge-watched?: Riverdale. also When Calls The Heart on Netflix. GO WATCH BOTH.  what words upset you the most: i don’t know if it’s words so much as tone. like, say something to me in a mild tone i can misconstrue as criticism and i’m a mess what words make you feel the best about yourself: compliments? a wish that you’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: love, a job, money who would you switch lives with for a day?: I... honestly don’t know. I’d say someone rich and famous but then I’d probably have all their responsibilities. Like performing for them or something and thats too much for me.  your favorite ice cream: strawberry or vanilla caramel allergies: cats. honestly it’s the saddest thing because they’re so cute and fluffy.  sexiest person to come your mind immediately: chris evans. i mean hot damn.  your childhood career choice: actress one of your insecurities: my tummy. it pooches.  how many blogs are you following?: 116 how many tabs/windows do you have open right now?: only 10. i’m honestly surprised coke or pepsi: coke  tea or coffee: tea movie or book: book a sense you would be willing to lose: hmmm maybe smell?  quote you live by: stay gold type of accessory you wear most: i love earrings, i have a huge assortment but I am almost ALWAYS wearing my gold Buddha necklace.  last awkward situation you found yourself in: i’m consistently awkward every day of my life, so who knows honestly what time is it right now?: 10:27 pm a song that’s made you cry: recently? what song hasn’t? I’ve been an anxious, depressive mess, crying at everything.  first song you ever sang at karaoke: probably some thai karaoke at a party when i was 3 i bet you. 

[newenglandpups]

I need to vent

So yesterday morning my day started off with some asshole backing into my fucking car. Luckily it's just body damage, the car still drives fine, and thankfully the guy left a note with his phone number on it so I could call him, but now that's one other fucking thing I have to deal with. Oh! And when I got back to my car and saw the note and the big fucking dent in my car, I also realized that my car key had fallen off my key ring somehow and had a panic attack while trying to find it. So yesterday was just not fun.

Also still dealing with whatever the fuck is going on with my body. I finally got my blood work back and my white blood cell count is really high and it's pretty consistent with fighting some kind of infection or inflammation or something. Now we just have to figure out what that is. I have an apt with my doctor in Tuesday and Mike is coming with me to help me talk to my doctor about all the long-term things that have been going on so hopefully we can get some answers. I just have this feeling that I'm in for a long, drawn-out slew of tests and diagnostics to figure out what's going on and that freaks me right the fuck out. Also that lump is still in my neck and I had probably the worst migraine I've ever had in my life the other day. So that sucks.

All of this on top of dealing with wedding things which are stressful.

Right now I have a million balls in the air and there are so many things that aren't for certain and it's driving me nuts. No answers on the health front, so many things to still confirm for the wedding, flights and hotels to book for trips in the summer, waiting for the results from the CPDT-KA exam, and currently in a bit of a slow time for dog training which means money is back to being really fucking tight right now. And that always sets my anxiety off.

Oh and today! Jesus Christ. So I'm coming home from taking the huas out and I'm driving down a hill, which is a main road. It's pouring rain, so I'm going fairly slow (like 35 mph). As I'm coming down this hill, I can see a couple of cars up ahead towards the bottom of the hill waiting to cross on a side street. There's also a bunch of cars coming the opposite way up the hill. All of a sudden, the first car (a big white SUV) starts pulling out trying to cross. Again, I'm on a main road- i.e. we don't have a stop sign. So this person gets halfway across when they realize the cars coming up the hill aren't stopping..... so they STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. I laid on the horn and slammed on the breaks and thank god the people coming up the hill stopped so I could swerve around the person who literally just STAYED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD... but I came within inches of hitting them.

Because of this stupid idiot I'm getting a dash cam. I see so much dumb shit while I'm out driving during the day... idk what it is but nobody knows how to drive here. Seriously. I never had any issues when I lived in CT. Not in snow storm, not in crazy summer thunderstorms.... nothing. Here? I see accidents like every day. It's nuts.

Okay rant over pls ignore all this word vomit I just needed to get everything out of my system.

[cherubintraining]

All of the aesthetic asks please

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

I last sang to myself…hm…about ten minutes ago? Before my roommate came back from her class! All Time Low by Jon Bellion is stuck in my head today!

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Hm…this is a very good question…probably if we will ever live on other planets. Space is v neat.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Living!! Something I’ve been doing for almost 19 years!! Because sometimes being alive is Rough™️️ and that’s okay! I try my best and that’s all a person can do!

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

There’s two that came right to mind! The first is the most recent, when my aunt let me play with her makeup and hair and I low-key transformed her into the next Stevie Nicks. Good TImes™️️! The other one that came right to mind is when I got to see my favorite person for the first time in over a year when she came home for a weekend. I miss her bunches.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I mean probably? I’d probably not continue my college education and try to travel different places. Work on my bucket list. But I also potentially wouldn’t change anything.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Pet a giraffe (done), own a hedgehog, and own a bed and breakfast (in no particular order)

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

She’s got shoulder-length brown hair and big, beautiful sea-glass colored eyes. Full-lips and a contagious smile. Her entire persona just makes you want to sit and listen to what she has to say for hours on end. Her voice calms me down. Her sense of humor can be a little dark sometimes but that’s okay, because it makes me laugh. (I guess I can be pretty dark, too) She has been through a lot, but she has never stopped fighting and I truly admire that about her. I love her a lot. She’s like an angel to me.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I feel I had a relatively normal childhood!

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

Pssshhh yesterday when I got in a car accident, I cried in front of my roommate, the other driver who was involved, and two police officers.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

I’d probably pick my cousin John. He’s a man of quiet solitude and loves the outdoors. His mind wanders a lot so I feel it’d be a good fit. ‘Specially since my eyes are too bad to see that far away :P

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Maybe? If we were stuck together for a long period of time, sure.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

My friend Nikki. She and I were wandering around the city and talking and being idiots. She’s a long-time childhood friend.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

I’d engrave “nothing is set in stone” on my gravestone with my own two hands so that way everyone who sees it can roll their eyes in exasperation at me.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

I lowkey think I had a thing for people for brown eyes - every person I’ve dated has had brown eyes. (Except one, but we don’t talk about that.) They’re beautiful and deep, and there’s so much more…to them than…what…meets…the…eye…I hate myself.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways.” This is the story of my life. i am messy. I am complicated. I live in constant anxiety and I always show up anyways.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

Things that Happened™️️

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Move to another country. Buy a little house and a dog and lots of flowers. Create the aesthetic that I will probably never be able to afford.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

With some things I am too forgiving. With others I hold too many grudges. I don’t like being this way really because if I forgive I never forget and since I never forget, I feel like I never truly forgive. winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

(I’m going to do an estimate on words.)

Dear twelve year old me,You are going to make so many mistakes. So, so many mistakes. Right now is the beginning of where we as a person went wrong. We treat ourselves like crap, and I wish I could warn you of what is going to happen, but I can’t. I, for one am not a time traveler, and B) you become a better person because of it all. I hope. I don’t know. I’m still working on it. Read a lot of books. Make a lot of art. Ignore boys in general cuz boy oh boy do you have another thing coming. Sincerely, Me. The Older Screw-up™️️

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Neither. I am Punk Pastel™️️

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

LOVE THEM. I have 6 piercings so far, though my final number is aimed to be around 12. I have one tattoo, but I plan on becoming a walking canvas. It’s my body, and I want to treat it like the masterpiece it is.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

I either wear a shit ton of makeup or nothing at all. There is no in between with me. But I really LOVE makeup.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

I grew up on Pink Floyd, so I guess I have them to blame for my constant Angst™️️.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

LMAO I can’t do speeches in front of a class, no way in hell would I be able to say something to the entire world. It’d probably just be a *choking noise*

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Christmas-y!Hannah Montana/the Jonas Brothers - honestly don’t remember too much of that concertScott Stapp - Really happy and chill because my dad was with me and very happy. Warped Tour - Very emo. Just…very, very emo. Black Veil Brides - I had a headache the next day but it was a lot of fun! Nothingbutthieves - I had no idea who this band was but they ended up being really good. I felt very relaxed and old…there were a lot of younger kids there.X-Fest- I was really only there to see Wheezer and Panic! At the Disco but it was sooooo much fun. Lots of dancing and GORGEOUS sunsets.Florence and the Machine - Like the gypsy princess I wish I could be. Taylor Swift (all of her tours) - I am always going to love Taylor Swift. Her music just makes me very happy and I’m not ashamed to say that I love her. Very dance. Much smile. Many off-key singing from my aunt and I.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

My Person, Angel. And it could say anything in the world, I’d still be happy because this week is already extremely Rough™️️

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

My desk at home is very cute and artsy but the one here at school is kinda really messy.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

At home I usually take a bath, wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my fleetwood Mac record and my fairy lights and go on tumblr. (I know, it sounds fake. But it’s true.)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Technically there’s two things. I like girls and I have a tattoo.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

It would be pink ALL over and it’d be longer than it is now so I can wear space buns and put hair glitter in it.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Sarah, Isabella, Megan, Morgan, and Jules. I don’t know what we would do or where we would go but I think it’d be v fun.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

I wish school was over (I’m stressed) I wish for a hedgehog (they’re so cute)And I wish all my friends were happy (I’m lame)

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

Oh I’ve decided for halloween next year I’ll be Van gogh. I’m going to wear my starry night dress and have an ear necklace and carry around sunflowers.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Never been high. I got drunk once and made out with a boy.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Kill anything or anyone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Song: Landslide by Fleetwood Mac

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

I’m gonna pass on this one.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?I am a girl and I had short hair once (its still pretty short) but I loved it

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

My friend Sam. Vanilla Chai Tea Latte

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Sleep.

This was very long but very fun! Thank you anon!!!

[comfortmarvelimagines]

4, 5, 9, 11, 13, 16, 18, 23, 29, 49, 43, 50, 51, 53, 57, 58, 72, 93. sorry i know it’s a lot but i’m super indecisive

holy shit thank you !!! i kinda want a distraction rn so this is perfect 

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

going off what they said to my mum at parent-teacher interviews, i was disobedient (i’d finish my work quickly, go back to reading my book, and then refuse to do any additional work), too loud (i had no idea how to regulate my voice volume), and had no social skills (this actually happened. what was supposed to be a 10 minute conference turned into half an hour of the teacher telling my parents how behind i was, and my dad yelled at me for it when he got home bc ‘how i act reflects on him’. i was 10 years old). 

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i don’t drink soda bc i don’t like the bubbles + sweetness, but when i drink water n occasionally juice i like glass cups. i reuse old candle jars as cups so they’re thick and i like when theyre cooler than plastic 

9. favorite smell in the summer?

fruit !!!! i love mangoes and bananas and nectarines and passionfruit and when im cutting them up in the morning and i smell them OOFT i am a happey. my friend got me a fruit candle so i can smell it whenever i want now ! 

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

realistically, nothing. my routine this year is WHACK and its different on different days and apparently, according to my brain, if there’s no time for it on one day then there’s time for it on 0 days. throw in the fact that im still trying to recover from my ED and its a fun mess. that being said, this morning i made myself eat; i had banana, blueberries, strawberries, a blueberry bagel with peanut butter and some coffee (and maybe it was the only thing i ate today besides some veggies for dinner but it was before 10am hence breakfast)

13. lanyard or key ring? 

lanyard. my keys are on a smashCon lanyard from last year, with a bunch of pins bc my pins kept falling off my bag 

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cross legged (except its more like a lotus pose, im way too hypermobile). idk if its a sensory/autism thing, but i absolutely cannot sit with my legs flat on the floor, and  i dont really like chairs at all. i like my desk chair though bc its kind of like a bucket seat, and i chose it specifically bc its a perfect size for me to cross my legs comfortably and be able to work at my desk 

18. ideal weather?

sunny, but not too sunny. slight warm breeze. not so bright that there’s glare. around 21-25 degrees celsius. 

23. strange habits?

dude. i’m autistic w a bunch of other mental health and just a fucken weird personality. i got strange habits from the second i wake up to the second i go to bed 

29. best way to bond with you?

accept me as i am. understand that there are some things i do differently, especially in regards to communicating. be patient and try to learn how i connect. i promise i’m trying to meet you on your level, but you gotta meet me on mine, or else you’re gonna get the facade i put up so people will tolerate me 

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

HOODIE. i love having things on my head, so when im overwhelmed, hoodies are my substitute blanket. i’m also really picky when it comes to materials and i especially dont like anything too stiff, but i did recently buy a denim jacket that’s pretty soft so i’m trying to get used to that

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i don’t really have one?  

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

probably something dumb that my dog’s done. he does dumb shit all the time. for example: yesterday, he was licking things when he thought i wasn’t looking (he doesn’t understand the concept of peripheral vision its p funny). i told him not to lick my brother’s guitar, which is just hanging on the wall bc he doesn’t actually play it, and its covered in dust. leon licked the guitar, and then acted all indignant that he got a mouthful of dust and stood by his waterbowl until i turned on the tap, bc apparently bowl water isn’t good enough for my princess of a dog. this is super off track but basically, my dog is really silly and he makes me laugh and i love him a LOt 

51. current stresses?

uni, the fact that i’m currently exhausted and burnout from my jobs and volunteering and study, the fact that im super isolated socially, i feel like im not good enough for my course and i dont deserve a place in it, and the fact that my mum wants me to go to the dentist but dentists are absolute hell for me and i just. cant deal w that right now  

53. what is the current state of your hands?

really short nails, and callouses on my four left fingers from strings (the short nails are also bc i scratch myself). the fingers on my left hand are stronger than my right, and i have three crooked fingers from when i broke them in separate incidents in HS. i have indents from bite marks on my left hand. my hands are super cold, not just bc its winter but they always seem to run colder than everyone else. they’re also really dry, a combination of winter and the fact that the packaging that my work uses in stock boxes makes them dry ? its really weird + also bad stim 

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hhhhhhhi wouldn’t say i’ve fully ‘overcome’ all of these but 1. making it through high school and living to be an adult- i’d always assumed i’d be dead by 16. i spent most of high school suicidal and without appropriate help. 2. performance anxiety. this sounds dumb, but mastering this has allowed me to pursue the degree i always thought was a pipe dream, an impossibility. i’m in a place now where i’m doing what i want, something i care about, and i actually don’t regret waking up every morning because of it. 3. managing to navigate things like the crowded city, buses, work and classrooms every day. i’m a massively sensory avoidant person. post high school, i literally didn’t physically leave the house from a combination of depression but also not wanting to deal with overstim when it wasn’t strictly necessary. on one hand, i know im pushing myself a bit, esp when i get physically sick from being constantly overstim with no breaks during the week, but i’m also proud of myself for trying to manage these things now instead of doing everything in my power to avoid them 

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

i’m good at looking after my dog, and loving my dog (and he loves me back so a talent worth having. i think im good with most dogs but ESPECIALLY my dog). i’m creative; i’m a musician, i’m a visual artist, i write, i’m constantly coming up with things. my brain is good at finding connections and memorising content just by understanding. i dont really think i have anything else 

72. worst subject?

MATHS. my hs made me take it all the way to year 12 and i absolutely fucken failed it (im not kidding in year 10 my highest mark on a test was 38% and it really didn’t improve from there) 

93. nicknames?

charles, and basically any way you can wrongly pronounce my name (e.g, chorlie)