#had a panic attack for the first time since december :/ wasnt as bad as the december one but its still not fun yknow

[zipmode]

[anandasamsara]

(TW for almost-death mention, a lot of it)

So. I’ll be 30 in a few hours.

This means that its been 15 years since i almost died.

I talked about it many times here, in posts about being misdiagnosed by doctors that look at a fat woman and cant see anything else.

When i was still 14, i got sick, around the end of december i think. December 2006, few months before high school. By the time school started, in february 2007, i was in a very bad shape. The whole school experience wasnt helping, my classes were in the afternoon in a school i didnt want to go to. If i had lunch at 11am to be able to be in class by 1pm, i’d get sick, bc i’d only be waking up by then, and still to this day i have to wait at least one hour after waking up before eating.

When i got sick those few months before, was when mom stopped worrying about time, i now remember. I had decided i wouldnt snack on things if there wasnt anything i wanted to eat between meals. It still doesnt sound like such a stupid decision, right? But, by then mom decided lunch was a good idea for the only meal of the day. Thats what still happens too. And time wasnt a worry, so lunch could be around 2-5pm.

So, yeah. An almost 15 year old, only having a single meal a day. I didnt knew how to cook anything then, and if i tried to learn by myself i’d be shouted out of the kitchen for making a mess. One more thing that hadnt changed, but now i know a few recipes.

Fast forward to the start of the school year. I couldnt have lunch at home bc it was too early and there wasnt time, nor even the lunch would be ready. So my first meal of the day would be at around 3pm. I started getting too weak, as you can imagine.

There was also a fight between us and the school, for me to study in the mornings. I hated the afternoon period bc of all i have already said. And things werent looking good for me.

Then came the sickness. In the mornings, i’d puke whatever i ate the night before. After a few weeks, i’d puke whatever kind of food i ingested. Then, i got weak. Really weak.

I’d have what i now recognize were panic attacks, thinking of going to school. I started hiperventilating and my head hurt. I had this sensation of having a plastic bag lodged on my throat. Eating hurt, not eating hurt. I couldnt keep food on my stomach anymore. Swallowing was a nightmare, only to throw it up again and again.

From january to the end of february, I lost about 30kg. Then, in 10 days of march, i lost 10kg more. I was so skinny i could see all my bones. By my birthday, drinking water started to hurt.

All this time, we went to so many doctors. I was by no means a fat kid then, but one look at the simptoms and my “body type” and the doctors told me i was bulimic. Of course, i pleaded to all of them. “I want to eat, i AM hungry and i NEED to eat”, i’d say. None believed. By then, I hadnt gone to school for almost a full month.

At my birthday, everyone would say how pretty i looked. This is something i’ll never forget. To most of my family, and my friend’s families, i looked better past half dead than in any other moment. I looked pretty as an almost corpse. I’d look prettier dead.

The day after my birthday, i couldnt move anymore. I was so tired. I couldnt keep water in my stomach anymore, and i knew i was dying. My bro came to visit, and his dad managed to convince my mom to take me to yet another doctor. Dad was so glad that they came by and told mom that, bc he couldnt take time off work to take me himself, and mom agreed with everyone else that i was prettier and looked better this way, so it must be nothing, right?

On the 13th, a monday, we went to see the final doctor. He did something no other doctor had before: he looked down my throat. Told us that i had nervous esophagitis, a very simple and easily treated thing. It started as a simple sickness, but my mental state made it worse. I was down to half my weight by then, which got him very worried. He told mom that if we had waited a week more, i’d be dead. It had been 2 days since i last had water.

A week after starting on the medicine he gave me, i ate a chicken skewer. A big one, at that. I like to say that i never stopped eating after that. I got fatter and fatter. And i love it, and i love my body now. All this, all my beatiful circumferences tell me that im not near death anymore. Every time someone says im too fat, the only thing in my mind is “im alive and well”. Every time someone suggest a diet, or talks about it around me, i try to consider that im myself, and they know what they’re doing to themselves if they follow any of it. But it still haunts me sometimes.

This week was a very bad one for me. Im going on 30 and i have nothing but my body and my health. No job, no perspective of life, nothing else. Just myself, my existence. And yesterday, i got sick. I puked everything out. Im feeling a little better now, but it scared me. Still does. I never want to look like that again, to feel like that again. And i wont, bc i know better now, and im strong, and if i need medical help i can just go and get it.

Im not okay. But eventually, i’ll be.

And if i could talk to my older self, i would try to help her. She didnt deserve what she had to go through. I know i didnt. But things got better, and they will keep getting better in time.

For many years, i couldnt see myself as her. I couldnt look at this picture and see me. But now that i understand better, i can. I can see the struggles, and the tiny workings i didnt understand back then. And i can work, the hardest i can, to never let it happen again.

[bloommelon]

Everything Is Blue

WARNINGS: severe angst, suicidal themes, suggestive sexual content, eventual suicide, mental illnesses, eventual character death, unhappy ending, suicidal content, graphic suicide

A/N: please don't read if you're depressed, this is a very sad story but im proud of it because I actually finished something for ONCE. NONE of this is based on real life, it's all fiction. Jaehyun just fit my idea of this character, and I hope no one gets the wrong idea that I tried to glamorize suicide. And also, I do not feel suicidal and I am not depressed because of writing this, i simply got this idea while thinking I should try and write angst. On another note, I hope whoever reads this likes it or at least it makes you feel some type of emotion. Thank you. *i did not proofread at all btw*

Song: Colors by Halsey

✖✖✖✖

August 3rd

Jaehyun and I sat in a field of Nemophila by the river, the sun shining and clouds floating above us eating strawberries and our laughter filling the hot summer air. Jaehyun had taken me to the museum to see his favorite painting an hour beforehand, telling me it reminded him of me. It was a simple painting, blue sky with fluffy white clouds on a sunny day. I'd almost stayed home that day, not wanting to go anywhere due to a flurry of sudden panic attacks that week. "When you're feeling anxious, come here and call me and I'll come as quick as I can." At that moment, I'd been filled with happiness due to Jaehyun's caring nature but I should have been the one making sure he had somewhere to go when he was upset, but his feelings of sadness weren't noticeable back then. Giving him a hug wasn't enough to stop the pain he felt daily just from living. Laughter hurt, and so did seeing me smile making guilt rush through him at the fact that I brought him some happiness, but not enough for him to change his mind.

September 19th

Jaehyun wrote poetry about clouds and sunshine and the color blue. He would have  painted himself blue if it was socially exceptable. Most of the poems he let me read brought tears to my eyes, ruining my mascara. He always wiped the mascara off, then he'd kiss all my tears away telling me that's how poetry should make me feel. I told him many times how intense it felt, the emotions brought out by the poems he wrote and he'd stare at me and say" that's how i feel about you." Intense. Wildly. Airy. Bright and warm like sunshine shining down through clouds. Most people tell you to write when you're feeling blue to get whatever you're feeling out of your system so that you can feel yellow and bright again,but he still wished for the sun to poison him. He wished for dehydration and shock to take him away instead of writing useless poems.

October 13th

Friday the thirteenth. Bad omens were shown, I just didn't recognize them. I look back now and something had been off about Jaehyun that day. His smile wasn't the same. It was crooked in a way that it was almost a frown, but to outsiders it passed as a normal expression of happiness. He painted sometimes just like writing, and his paintings left me feeling blue just like the blue sky in august, like the painting in the museum, like the color of the walls in his room. It wasnt even a sad painting-he'd painted a red rose in a field of baby blue eyes by a river at night. It wasn't even sad, but when i touched the paper after it dried, I just wanted to cry. He'd held me telling me about the meaning behind it. "It's supposed to make you appreciate things and people that are different, but still appreciate the normal things and people too. No one should be left out. That everyone and everything is more than meets the eye, you just have to look deeper." The way he talked made me want to cry, and he could sense something was wrong, but the fact that I couldn't look deeper to notice his sadness made me tell him everything was fine. I pretended I was fine and I pretended he was fine, so that in the moment, I could feel like everything was fine when nothing about that day was fine. That night he'd went home and cried himself to sleep, and he'd almost done something heartwrenching but I couldn't ask him a simple 'are you okay?'. He would have lied anyways, but maybe if i would have pushed him to answer he wouldn't have cried alone that night or almost took a razor to his skin.

November 7th

Jaehyun and I would sit in my room for hours in comfortable silence, him drawing while i read books. He'd been noticeably upset on this day. To the point where I kept asking him what was wrong and was everything okay. He started rambling about death and blood to the point where fear bubbled up inside of me, spilling out into the world and when he noticed I was terrified, he had cried and apologized repeatedly. He'd thrown his drawing pad in the middle of all of this, it getting lost behind my bed. I'd held him for hours after that, hoping he would feel better and calm down. It worked on the outside, and I foolishly believed I'd helped him on the inside as well. He wasn't okay, and the way he had talked about blood and death so freely spoke volumes about what he thought of daily. If only I'd tried to look deeper. Most of us take what we see on the outside and assume that there's nothing more to see and we should look away as to not disturb the normalcy of the world.

December 25th

Christmas day was snowy and beautiful, the sun fighting it's way through the clouds to shine down on everything to try and melt the snow, but the snow was relentless and the roads icy. The gifts didnt matter that day as everyone was together and that made Jaehyun filled to the brim with happiness, which mattered a lot more. That night we lay together wrapped in nothing but the warmest blue blanket we could find, the snow falling against the window and the christmas lights above us in my room shining down us painting our faces in green and red. He was happy, but that didn't mean the pain had suddnely disappeared and that family made the bad thoughts run away, he was just hiding them. That night he whispered how much he loved me , lips against my temple. He told me I was the only gift he needed. He didnt know that he was the only gift I needed, and that him staying could have been so much better. Maybe that's selfish. On Christmas some people expect everything they want to be given but give nothing to others. That year, I was sadly part of the people who expect and was given everything I wanted but I gave nothing.

February 14th

Jaehyun's birthday. I had thrown him a surprise party that he loved, wearing a blue dress with pink hearts on it since it was also Valentine's day. Once he opened his gifts, which was a copy of the painting with the clouds on a sunny day that he absolutely adored and a necklace with my name on it in the shape of a cloud. His dimples stayed out all day, like I wish they would have stayed for life. As a Valentine's gift he gave me a blue rose and a painting of me by the river sitting in the field of Nemophila. That night I ended up in only his blue flannel with marks of his love on my skin the next morning,his whispers of "i love you more than anything" ingrained in my thoughts forever. I'd told him the same, but it didnt count as much since he said it first, and knowing now that that wasn't enough for him to stay breaks my heart all over again.

March 2nd

We spent the day walking around despite him being vocal of not feeling like getting out of bed, and he was a bit angry with me until I got him laughing by singing embarrassing 80's songs and dancing awkwardly. We both danced until we got tired, our legs exhausted and breathing was a difficult feat. I told him that he didn't deserve to be sad and he told me "i deserve whatever the world throws at me" which made me worry about him for weeks. I didnt tell him that, although maybe I should have. I just didn't want to make him feel bad when i started having panic attacks again because of it. He didn't know and didn't mean to, he just was in so much pain.

April 20th

He'd cooked for me on this day, telling me he felt a lot better. He appeared completely calm and peaceful like how some people get after doing things they love. Which he was good at cooking and enjoyed it, so I was extremely happy. He hadn't cooked in months-not like this. He was also baking. He wouldn't let me go in his kitchen. "It's a surprise, darling. Just be patient" Although he acted normal enough, whatever normal means, i sensed sadness coming from his being. After we ate, I felt nauseous. He turned into a concerning boyfriend rather than a happy one which made me upset since I knew he was keeping his sadness a secret. While he went to clean the kitchen after throwing a blanket on my cold body, I felt even more nauseous and after contemplating on whether or not to run to the bathroom my body decided for me. Vomiting isn't something anyone is fond of, and Jaehyun was even more concerned when he found me lying on the floor against the bathtub. He threw all the food away after that and blamed himself for me getting sick, though It was just a case of me eating way too much. Once in his bed, he kept apologizing and ended up crying but I held him and told him everything was okay. He didn't tell me that every small thing affected him so horribly it'd leave him wishing he'd never been born. He didn't know that those small things were things he couldn't help, but his brain told him that he ruined everything.

May 27th

Sitting in the field of Baby blue eyes with him felt different this time. More peaceful. We laid down side by side watching the clouds, he always said he wanted to float in the clouds but not anything about how he wanted to be buried like the roots of the nemophila we laid on. He didn't tell me he didnt want to grow anymore, not by himself and not with me-not with anyone. Instead he told me how much he loved me, that he'd die for me and told me it all day. He wouldn't let his hands off of me, never letting go of my hand or arm or hips. He wouldn't let go. He asked me to stay the night and keot me in his arms until I had to work the next day, getting upset when I left. He didn't tell me I'd only have a week or two left of this. Left of being in love, left of seeing his pretty smile and those dimples he was known for showing almost all the time. He didn't tell me he was looking for reasons to stay, trying so hard not to give up.

June 16th

When I'd woken up, a feeling of dread left me near tears all day. I hadn't seen Jaehyun in three days and it'd gotten late in the day without a word from him which was unusual. I pushed the uncomfortable feeling to the side until I'd decided to leave to go see him after calling him and texting him repeatedly. While walking out the door I remembered that day when he'd terified me with that talk of blood and death and him throwing his drawing pad. Worry filled my being, making me feel sick as I pushed my bed onto the side to find his blue drawing pad.

Tears stream down my face at the drawing I found. In my hands was the reason for all his weird behavior,all his guilt and all of his pain. He wanted to die. My Jaehyun wanted to disappear from this world forever. I throw the drawing pad in a random direction and run. I call all of our friends and his family, wanting to know if they had seen him. None of them had. I didn't want it to be true.

My legs carried me to the field of baby blue eyes by the streaming river, the sun shining down so brightly and the clouds reminding me of the painting Jaehyun loved so much.

My legs were already cramping but I pushed through that pain to find the love of my life laying in a field of nemophila, his wrists slit so terribly blood is all you could see. Flowing from his wrists to drip onto the plants under him, it was so red and gory I stopped breathing, running over to him to begin screaming while on the phone with one of his best friends. Johnny knew something was wrong, his voice got further away as he told Mark to call someone. To call 911, to get help.

In Jaehyun's hand was a a razor blade and I grabbed it, throwing the wretched thing far from us. I kept shaking him and screaming at him to get up. Nothing worked. Around his neck was the cloud necklace, and despite the horror I could see, he looked extremely peaceful, his eyes shut permanently. My Jaehyun was gone, and he'd died where he loved, but he'd felt so unloved to come to this place.

I'd never enjoy bright sunny days or museums again. I couldn't, not when I couldn't see Jaehyun's dimples or hold his warm hand. As much as he wanted to burn, he'd left the world cold. The sun still shined so brightly down on us as if nothing had ever happened in this place.

🌹

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[kittikiii]

honestly, i think a lot of people don’t know what growing up in Britain is like, especially for the alt kids. i am a british boy who was alt for a long while, and ALWAYS seen as a social outcast / loser. each year is very different. mostly, i think my Halloween stories will give good comparisons.

when i was 12, i was alt (listening to paramore, mcr, fob, patd, ptv, sws, bvb). i went a bought cans of monster from the tesco express near my school everyday with my friend. he and i would sit on the swings in the park and listen to music until i was getting picked up, or needed to walk home. i watched uk youtubers like veeoneeye, patty walters, emma blackerry, karimabridged and lukeisnotsexy. on halloween, i stayed home. I didn’t really do halloween back then, even though its my favourite holiday. i struggled with self harm and my eating disorder, but it was only just starting. a few cuts here, skip lunch there. nothing serious.

when i was 13, i smoked roll ups out of my bedroom every night while listening to 5 seconds of summer (they only had 2 albums out at this point). all my friends were alt 16 year olds, and i would hang out with them after school, at a park. they watched skins, so i watched it. they watched the mighty boosh, so i watched it. they had a huge amount of influence over me, especially this one guy who i had a crush on (he was 16 so obviously it never happened, but i was obsessed). there was also a guy who was a real asshole when i was exploring my gender identity. on halloween, i went trick or treating with my best friends. my costume was a diy superhero one. we got egged on our way home. i was still struggling with self harm and my ed. i was covered in cuts at this point, all over my arms and thighs. my p.e teachers saw in the changing rooms, but they never reported it weirdly. it was reported by a girl in my year. i still never got asked about my ed, but i was skipping breakfast and lunch every day.

when i was 14, i had moved. i spent Halloween with my new best friend at the time and a guy i was “dating” (i say dating, i mean we would send nudes and sext. don’t do that if you’re underage). my costume was a cool dress from the local alt fashion store and a wig. we still trick or treated, and we hung out in a field for a little after, but we got picked up at 10pm. I was in recovery for my ed at this point, and i only relapsed with self harm on occasion.

when i was 15, i was no longer alt. my friends group had completely changed again. one is still my best friend. on halloween, i wore a skeleton kigurumi, and we went trick or treating. later in the year, i was back to struggling with my ed, obsessing with calories. this was the time where i started looking on social media for venting, and i was suicidal, cutting a lot. a new girl joined my school year and me and her clicked instantly. (ill refer to her as L from here) one day during school, L found my suicide note by accident. she rushed to my house after school to stop me (if it wasn’t for her i’d be dead). L’s grandmother talked to my parent about it while L talked with me in my bedroom. my parent said im a drama queen and shes sorry that i worried them. my family confiscated my phone for a week. in the summer, i was briefly kicked out, and L and her grandmother let me stay with them for a few days. 

when i was 16, L was my best friend. her grandmother treated me like i was her own grandson. it was wonderful for a while; she gave me love and support that i never felt. on halloween, we went trick or treating again (me, L, L’s boyfriend at the time, and another friend). in december, i started dating a 22 year old (age of consent here is 16) and i lost my virginity. L and her boyfriend had broken up, and i set her up with a girl i had been friends with when i was 14. in march, L’s girlfriend beat me up in a hallway unprovoked, and i later found out she (the gf) didnt accept me and thought i would steal L from her. because of this, my friend group dissolved. i also broke up with my bf due to my shitty mental health, and i started spending time with a different group of friends (some girls who were into kpop) but i felt like an outsider, and wasn’t invited to hang out outside of school and stuff. it was at this time i found stray kids through one of bang chan’s vlives, so i didnt feel quite as alone (i would be dead if it werent for bang chan). i did my GCSEs (final exams for secondary school in the UK) and got accepted into the only sixth form college i applied for (instead of junior and senior year, we do sixth form college). over the summer, i did a skill building programme called NCS (national citizenship service). i was in a group of strangers. i was struggling a lot. there was a guy i was into, and we dated for a bit. i was still struggling with my ed during NCS, but i was eating more each week. i was getting panic attacks about the future, and my depression was bad, but i wasnt self harming.

when i was 17, i had just started college. i had pushed away the guy i had been dating, because my mental health was declining again. i got drunk for the first time at a party with some people from NCS. i had a brief flirting-friends stage with a guy in my art history class. he told me my thighs were thick and i relapsed into my ed again. i went through a couple of friend groups in the first year. on halloween, i stayed home and binge ate a bag of pretzels while doing halloween makeup. i cried twice that night. during the winter, my depression was terrible. i was home alone a lot, since my family got a place in cornwall for trips that i dont go on. I really wanted to commit. i got really sick in late december. looking back, i think it was covid-19. i was self harming. then, i was rejected by my main friends group. thankfully, my best friend from when i was 15 goes to the same college as i do, and he didnt really have anyone to chill with. the world went to shit because of covid, and lockdown happened. during lockdown, i relapsed into my ed without realising, eating only once a day usually, and my depression was dreadful. i had manic episodes, panic attacks constantly, and i relapsed into self harm multiple times. i rewatched skins and realised how well it really represents growing up in the UK as a 16-18 year old.

now, im almost 18. im in my second year of college. the only friend ive been spending time with on the few days im in for college is a guy from my art history class (not the one who called me thick). my only plans for halloween so far are with him; we’re gonna wear costumes and drink cheap vodka and coke zero in a field, and we’re possibly gonna camp out. im gonna wear my skeleton kigurumi again. i still have an ed, and i smoke cigarettes a lot more. im not self harming though, and my anxiety and depression are far better. i still adore skz, and view them as the main reason im still alive. i dont plan to recover from my eating disorder, but i do encourage and support recovery for anyone who is struggling.

[ilovebigdoinks69-blog]

Before I begin, I ask of you to NOT witchhunt Lance/kins/yega/perfect/whatever username he has now, do anything to him that will hurt him, cause him to hurt himself or drive him off of any social media platform. I genuinely hate callout culture and the such, but I felt like this was needed to be done. He IS a human person with feelings and of course has rights to be on whatever social medias he wants to be on.

Although Lance is an abusive person, I do not want the purpose of this post to practically stoop down to his level. My intentions for this is to bring light to his behavior and hopefully help people not fall into his trap.

For some context: I met Lance on Vent. For those who don’t know, Vent is a social media platform to basically… vent. Possibly the worse place to ever meet someone in my own personal opinion, but that doesn’t matter.

Anyway, we met in the Dangan Ronpa Kin group. I was shitposting and then posted a canon call bc hey why not make new friends. Essentially Lance commented, we became mutuals and everything unfolds there.

We talked for a bit on discord. He brung up the topic of his now ex-boyfriend, Tord. At first I disliked Tord due to the fact that he was abusive towards Lance. And this fact is true. However, from my knowledge Tord has never excused his actions has told me personally he still regrets them. Tord has also said he’s working on changing his behavior and he definitely is.

Lance himself on the other hand was just as bad. He has told me that Lance has constantly berated him for certain things he cannot help, has brushed off Tord’s feelings, get unreasonably angry towards him, ect ect. Basically everything you shouldn’t do in a relationship.

Here are some links to back up my statement:

https://imgur.com/a/gQ2sO (Lance getting jealous of tords abuser)

https://imgur.com/a/fDrPM (more of lance being nasty)

https://imgur.com/a/ZCMdy (Tord’s friend givin him comfort abt the situation)

https://imgur.com/a/UegAC (Lance sending one of his qpps to deadname and call tord a whore)

https://imgur.com/a/9RYTc (other various things lance has done to make tord uncomfortable n such)

There is another callout post for Lance made by Tord’s qpp that can be read here. It provides more proof of Lance’s behavior as well as some other things. 

While Tord is currently trying to fix his behavior and actions, Lance on the other hand is not. I’m friends with one of his other exes, whom I will be calling H. H and I are pretty close friends and when I mentioned that I was dating Lance, they warned me of some of his actions. I was already sketchy of Lance from the first time we met. When I ranted to H about Lance, they said he hasn’t changed from when they dated. I dont remember exactly when they did, but it was possibly a few months ago. Most likely early in the year. Aside from that, that was their only testimony.

Tord has also mentioned to me that when they were in a call, Lance told him that he found no reason to change his actions/behavior and “that’s the way he just is.”

Another thing Tord has mentioned to me is that Lance dates people for very shallow reasons. In his case, it was only because he thought Tord was attractive. And as for my case, it was only because I’m kin with Kiibo. I recall this one time Lance mentioning that he loses friends quickly and I honestly understand why now lol. He treats people like garbage if they are not up to his expectations and either he drops them like flies, or the other party stands their ground.

As for my accounts; I did like Lance in a romantic sense for some time, albeit short. I’m avoiding using the term “love” since now that I think back on it, it wasn’t exactly love. Just a crush I happened to act on impulsively. Continuing on from when we first met, I mentioned to Lance that we can discuss memories. Lance replied with (his exact words. Not mine) “i dont do memories im gonna cry hhh.” Of course not everyone who is kin gets memories and I respect that.

Kin memories are not the main point of this though. Lance said this to lure me in to “be his kiibo.” I already knew this from the beginning and decided to play along. I’m a very analytical person and have a very strong intuition. Im not saying this to toot my own horn, but to back up on how I knew his intentions. I do not have screenshots of this anymore since I deleted the post from our first falling out (which i will get into in a bit.)

Moving on, all of this led to the events I stated earlier. On December 3rd of 2017, I started to talk to Tord. Initially my aim was to tell Tord to leave Lance alone since he made him uncomfortable. I told Lance that I wouldn’t be able to talk much since I was heading over to my cousin’s birthday party. I also mentioned that I would try to make the time to talk to him, but that never happened. Lance said it was fine but then proceeded to make vagues about me and then threatened suicide. The posts can be viewed here: https://imgur.com/a/QR6O9

Imgur messed up the caption for the last img but basically what went down was that I was already thinking of breaking things off with Lance. I was talking to Tord about this, as again my first initial plan was to get him to leave Lance alone but due to me thinking of breaking up, our conversation turned into the things Lance has done while he and Tord were together. Reading what I was sent made me feel revolted and gave me even more motivation to break things off with Lance. I wrote a message explaining why we (Lance and I) were better off not being together the night previous, much thanks to H’s help. The prewritten message can be read here: https://imgur.com/a/EFORS

Tord has also told me that Lance fakes suicide a lot. I wasnt worried about this to begin with since I used to know someone who used to pull similar bs as Lance did.

At this point, Lance blocked me on Vent and that was it. At first I was fine. However due to past experiences I got extremely paranoid that Lance was saying things behind my back, namedropping and all that fun stuff. I was pretty much having very bad panic attacks and HAD to at least end things on the right foot.

I asked Tord if I can talk to him. I don’t have any screenshots of this but Lance complied and we sorted things out. We were quite for a few days but things kicked back up again. Everything was fine until I believe yesterday (12/10/17). I was having a very bad mental health day and so was doing things to keep me from slipping. I was also very busy that day so I kept on forgetting to reply to people. Proof of this is here: https://imgur.com/a/k4dqr. For more added context, I made a small pda post about how much I loved my friends and that was about it. He was pretty much trying to coax me to say that I was ignoring him in that one bit, but I really wasn’t.

Today, 12/11/17, was the day we decided to cut things off for good.

The conversation is here as long as some other guilt trippy shenanigans: https://imgur.com/a/qHwwx

This was our final conversation: https://imgur.com/VPm7oKc

Him saying that I lead him on is kind of bs. I truly did like him. Funny enough he himself lead other people on but that’s none of my business 🐸☕

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I would appreciate if you spread this around

Also, Lance if you’re readin this, my offer still stands lmao. Change yourself first and then come talk to me.

[loveaddiicted]

@falsepsychiic @powcriisms

Hannah Jane Mckenzie was born on December 25th,1990 to Daniel and Caroline "Carly" Mckenzie. She was the couples second child joining their 2 year old daughter Maggie. Early on in Hannah's life things were great. But when she turned 4 and Maggie was 6 things started to get rough at their house. Daniel lost his job and began to drink heavily, eventually the booze wasnt enough and he started to abuse prescription pills.

Due to the drinking and the drugs he became violent and began to beat Carly frequently. She shielded the children best she could from it. But he would go after them as well after he'd taken care of her. Friends of the family wanted Carly to leave him and take the kids but she kept telling herself everytime that it wouldnt happen again. Hannah was becoming more and more isolated due to the events at home and soon her teachers started noticing her behavior. Also the bruises that seemed to keep reappearing in the same places over and over.

The beating and the fright continued for the next 10 years until one fateful night things all changed. Maggie who was 16 had come home to find her father beating her mother and had enough. She wasnt an overly strong girl but she had a lot of pent up rage causing her to plow right into him both falling to the floor. Carly had purchased a gun a year earlier in case of a break in due to the poor neighborhood in Miami that they lived in. Somehow Daniel had gotten a hold of it and when Maggie and Daniel fell to the floor the gun fell with them landing nearby. Thankfully the gun hadnt fired. But when she saw him going for it Maggie wrestled with her father for the gun. They struggled for 5 minutes before he got a hold on it. He was forcing it downward as if he might shoot her and she was trying to get it away from her. Somehow--accidentally or otherwise the gun was fired.

Carly had been knocked out a few moments earlier when she had attempted to knock him off of Maggie. But came to when the shot went off, She screamed bloody murder when she had looked up and spotted her daughter with a gunshot wound to the chest. She went to help her--to grab the phone but Daniel wasnt having any of that. Instead he grabbed her by the throat and held her against the wall. Meanwhile, 14 year old Hannah had heard a loud noise from the basment where she had been hiding away reading "The Wizard of Oz". She had loved the book since she was a small child because in Oz everyone seemed to have a happy ending even if real life didnt mirror that.

Hannah made her way upstairs and opened the door half-way peering out and seeing her father in one of his rages attacking her mother. She looked around and spotted her sister on the floor. She wasnt moving and was pale as a ghost. She managed to get over there and felt for a pulse having learned from her mother who used to be a paramedic. She didnt feel one and she wasnt breathing--Maggie was dead. Enraged by her sister's brutal shooting in her own living room Hannah had reached her breaking point. She started beating, kicking, smacking her father trying to get him to let her mother go. He wasnt letting up though.

Hannah was determined not to lose her mother too--having already lost the only other person she trusted to the maniac who had helped create them both. She started screaming and went to the door opening it crying out murder as loudly as she could. Daniel snapped hearing her ranting to the entire neighborhood that he'd murdered someone and he let Carly go. She was trying to catch her breath when Daniel made his way to Hannah. Hannah turned around and saw nothing but hate in his eyes. "You son of a bitch" She said as she kicked him in the stomach making him lose his balance. She hadnt been one to use profanity--ever but right now she didnt care. She didnt feel like herself. She made her way to her mother to try to help her up.

But moments later she was face down on the ground being pulled back towards him. No. He wasnt going to win this time. Hannah tried to stop being pulled by grabbing onto a chair but it didnt do any good thanks to his drunkeness and high that seemed to have not worn off. She managed to shake her foot from his grasp long enough to kick him in the face sending him backwards. She crawled for the gun that was next to Maggie's dead body. Hannah then grabbed it right as he was coming towards her. She didnt want to shoot anyone. She just wanted to live;She was too young to die. He tried to wrestle the gun out of her hands but she wasnt about to let it go. Hannah and Daniel struggled for a few moments longer before a shot rang out much like the one that had been fired not long ago killing Maggie. But this time it was Daniel who was shot and he had landed on top of her presumably dead. "Mom! Mom!" she cried out. "Help--Help" She pleaded near hysteria. Carly managed to get over there even though she was battered and broken--and had just lost a child. She pushed the dead father of her children off of her daughter and Hannah dropped the gun on the floor and latched onto her sobbing uncontrollably.

The police arrived thirty minutes later and started to process the scene. After it was determined that Hannah had no choice with the gun and that it was actually in self-defense the case was closed. Maggie was cremated and they spread her ashes out over the ocean because Maggie had always loved the ocean and its many animals. She had always said she someday wanted to work at Sea World with the dolphins and whales. After the funeral Hannah and Carly left Florida behind them feeling too many bad memories would be there to even think of having a life. They moved to Vegas and Carly ended up getting a job as a showgirl leaving her paramedic past behind her finding that it was easier to make a living off her looks than her brains. Hannah was still closed off and became so utterly depressed by her failure to save everyone in her family--meaning Maggie that she picked up a habit for cocaine.

Hannahs habit soon became expensive and she picked up a job during the day to pay for it. Carly was so preoccupied with her job and with the exhaustion that came with it she had no idea what was going on. Hannah's grades began to slip and she slowly but surely became addicted. She couldnt even think clearly anymore. But someone from her school noticed a 15 year old with a habit and called Carly to alert her sending Carly into a panic. She wasnt about to lose her only remaining daughter to drugs. At first Carly tried reasoning with Hannah that it wasnt her fault. She tried to explain things happen for a reason and that her older sister wouldnt want her living like this.

But Hannah wouldnt hear of it and locked herself in her room. She did some cocaine but it turned out to be too much and she ended up overdosing. Carly broke down the door when she didnt hear anything and took her straight to the ER. No more playing games, Carly checked her into rehab. She was going to kick her habit if it took every penny Carly had to her name not that that was a terrible lot. It took Hannah an entire year but by her 16th birthday she had gotten clean. She was still depressed though and Carly didnt know how to deal with it. While Hannah had been gone Carly had started seeing someone and it'd gotten serious. In fact she'd married the guy.

Hannah was now reeling because she returned home to find that she had a new stepfather, a step-sister, and no longer any reminder of her life before. It felt as if her sister had been completely wiped from their lives--the pictures, the home movies all seemed to be gone somewhere. Hannah realized Carly couldnt remember Maggie or she would never be happy. But Hannah did remember and at first she started acting out against her new step-sister and her newfound little family.

She did however bring up her grades. Hannah decided that the best way to honor Maggie would be to make something of herself. So she kept on the straight and narrow--getting Straight A's once again, joining the cheerleading squad. She even started dating a guy which she thought was going well until he turned out to be just as violent as her father had. She ended the relationship with him. But he didnt seem to catch that hint. He began sending disturbing packages, black roses, and other things including notes. He'd park his car in her driveway and honk his horn repeatedly for hours straight till they called the police.Soon it stopped--He just stopped. Hannah had a normal life for a month or two. One night when her step-sister was at her mom's and her mother had gone out with her stepfather for the night..something happened. Hannah had ordered pizza and rented some movies. She was intending on staying in and just vegging out--maybe study for her chem final. She heard a knock at the door and froze in place seeing it was her ex-- her stalker. She tried to close the door on him but he wouldnt let her. He punched her in the face knocking her off balance and sending her backwards.

He chloroformed her and tied her up in the basement taunting her with a sharp knife. Hannah knew whatever had been holding him together had snapped once and for all. She didnt want to die--not then and not that way. She played along with his little games and when she accidentally said the wrong thing he gagged her and the knife fell and made a small cut on her arm. No one knew she was home alone--and no one knew she was in trouble. A Girl from next door came and knocked on the door needing to borrow some milk for her moms coffee because she was too lazy to run out herself. When no one answered she thought it odd knowing theyd never been the type to all go out at once. She peered in through the window and saw blood on the floor.

She ran home and called 911. But didnt wait for the police to arrive before she picked the lock on the door and went inside. "Hannah? Hannah?" She called out. She made her way to the basement and found the guy pratically beating her to a bloody pulp. She managed to knock him over the head with something and he fell to the ground. She untied Hannah and got her upstairs locking the basement door and waiting for the Police. it was from then on that Hannah realized she was going to live her life to fullest because she didnt know when her day would be up. Hannah's life calmed down for a long time before it turned ugly again. She had a great family, and friends, and she'd developed a crush on someone unbeknowst to them. But someone from her father's shady past wanted revenge because of something that happened years ago. He kidnapped Hannah on her way home from school and took her to an abandoned warehouse.

He proceeded to tell her how this was all her father's fault and how she was going to die for his mistakes. Hannah tried to explain that he was dead and that all that killing her would do is cause more problems but he didnt seem to want to hear it. When Hannah didnt come home from school her step-sister got worried. She in turn told her mother and from there it was figured out she was missing. It was hours before the crazy maniac decided whether to do anything one way or the other. Hannah was scared out of her mind. She did not want to die. She hated that it was always her fighting for her life. It seemed unfair.

Eventually Hannah attempted to jump him but he knocked her back down. Everytime she tried something he became more and more agitated until finally he snapped. He shot her in the leg. It seemed like it took forever for the police to find her and when they did she had bled half to death. Hannah was taken to the ER and they stopped the bleeding. But she had to be on crutches for the remainder of her junior year and half of the summer.

[karelounge]

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

July 30th 2019- Hi y’all… My husband has had cancer since December of 2018… It has been a journey in the little time that has passed… He was in remission in April and it came back in May. They had him doing high dosage chemo, and just this week they checked how its doing, and the chemo is not working. We will see what the doctors have to say on Wednesday… On what they want to try next.Since the beginning I have been mourning my husband… since then, It’s been off and on. But it has always been a part of me to prepare for the worst… I would really hate to have to burry him in a few months.. I will really go into shock if it comes to that. He was raised very different than me. My parents were more old school, very involved and a bit over protective, while his parents let him do whatever whenever. I have really tried to get him to adapt a healthier lifestyle… But after trying so hard I have grown to just accept that it’s out of my control. I need to be well mentally and physically to be able to take care of him. I wished my friends would check on me… Instead of how everyone at work just asks how he’s doing… I have been doing fairly well these past couple of days… But it’s definitely been difficult to get where i am today. I am trying to stay strong and self reliant. I wish I wasnt human and didn’t feel the need for wanting someone to check on me or be the shoulder i desperately need. I cannot rely on my husband for this… He is going through too much for me to burden him with my emotions. I want him to focus on the fight… I could keep going forever about this… Thanks for reading.

..

August 5th 2019-

After seeing the Oncologist Wednedsay July 31st, the fight keeps on. We got a new treatment plan that involves chemo pills, IV chemo, and IV chemo injections into the spine. Unfortunately, my husband does experience discomfort from the LPs (lumbar puncture), which will definitely will be a change for him to go through this treatment.

I have high hopes for MD Anderson doing what they said they’ll do and take good care of my husband. Unfortunately, we do live in the United States, and all these hospitals just care to make profit and the insurance companies try to get away with as much as they can. We have been fortunate that the insurance has covered a lot of the cost, and we do have a mountain of medical bills. The struggle and the fight continues.

This has definitely caused my mental health to be a roller-coaster ride and it has thrown my self care off the rails. I am trying to be there as much as possible, as my health is also important to me. I’m hoping that things will improve with my husband’s side effects once treatment is started.

” We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”

Monday 8/5/19 – This weekend was really tough. When people that say enjoy the days that our loved one with cancer isn’t experiencing the cancer symptoms… Well I finally get it, because the chemo on the first diagnosis was working well and he was his normal self throughout it. While the time that the doctors decided to not do the chemo he was currently on because it wasn’t working, all his cancer symptoms came in… the nausea, the fatigue, plus depression and a roller coaster of emotions, sure makes things fuuuunnn (sarcasm). I got him as much of God’s plant as I could get him. It has been the one thing that makes his face to look as not sad or as nauseous. I am certain things will get better, but having to come to work while my hubby is going to start a new chemo that he is frightened about is definitely a challenge to stay composed at work. I really need to speak to someone that can help me lean on them through these tough times.. I do not want to burden my husband with my problems. Please keep us in your prayers and send us love and good vibes. Funds are tight, so please donate at our gofundme https://www.gofundme.com/f/AAlfaro

Much Love, xoxo Karry

..

August 12th 2019

Weekends are the beginning of a new week for me. The weekends mean so much to me because I am able to spend two full days with the man I have loved for close to 10 years, he is my everything, and he is the love of my life.

Watching him struggle with hospital procedures, body pains, constant fatigue, and now with his sleeping schedule all out of wack, is definitely hurting me more and more each week. I do not know what the future holds, ever since we got the news of the cancer coming back in May 2019. It was devastating. Then after doing 3 rounds of high dosage chemo, and finding out that the chemo was not working. We both broke, and I seem to continue to keep breaking down emotionally.

Anyone would feel crushed and devastated after so many bad news. These news brought the thought of death back in my mind. When my husband was first diagnosed, I had constant panic attacks, and couldn’t stop myself from crying. I am proud of myself for resorting to getting professional help with a therapist and seeing my general doctor about the body pains that the stress and anxiety are doing to me. I have been taking medication for anxiety and depression daily, and a sedative for whenever I get panic attacks.

Now that we are in the path of treatment once more, I am uncertain as to where I fit into this relationship. I have definitely been there for everything my husband has needed, I try to help him stay relaxed and give him advise. But is that all my life will be from now on? Taking care of my husband? I try to take care of myself, but that has gotten far off the rails. I don’t know what to do or where to start. I am a lazy social butterfly. I am definitely chatty, but lack confidence in myself. I get social anxiety when going to new places. I want to continue living my life, but what about my husband? I do not know how to deal or cope with this. Until next time.

xoxo Karry

..

August 20th 2019

First Cancer diagnosis was on Dec. 12, 2018 (250 days ago from today). Second Diagnosis was on May 31, 2019 (80 days ago).

It seems like it was yesterday that my husband was in ICU, that he was in remission, that he was his happy self making useless jokes that only made him laugh. On July 31, 2019, we saw the doctor for the new treatment plan. My husband said something along the lines of.. If God decide’s its his time, he will be all around us, because we’re all made out of energy and energy is recycled in the universe… something like that. When I first heard him talk about death like it’s nothing, it broke me inside.. I’ve never thought of my life without him in it… but what if that does happen. This whole experience has been traumatizing. My jaw is always clenched, my teeth are constantly chattering, my hands shake, and I am emotionally numb. I hate to give into the thoughts of death, but they are normal. I have always tried to prepare for the worst case scenario in everything in my life, but nothing could of prepared me for this. My husband’s current diagnosis is Central Nervous System Lymphoma, the statistics that can be found on the internet in regards to this cancer are very grim. My cancer support group that has plenty of survivors, tell me to not think too much on those numbers, some were given a couple of months to live and they have lived years since then. I hope that God can bless my husband with plenty more birthdays, and in the case that my prayers don’t get answered he will always live in my heart, in the hearts and memories of all the lives he has touched.

These past few weeks the treatment has made him extremely weak. He has lost his balance after so many LPs (Lumbar Punctures), plus the medications that he is on make him extremely fatigued and this has caused his legs to get weaker where he cannot get up, sit up, or walk without assistance. I pray that he never falls. We are all here for him for anything that he might need, and we are extremely proud of his strength and motivation, even though there are those bad days where I have to kind of nudge him to take his medications. For pains, or headaches he keeps wanting to treat it with marijuana or caffeine instead of taking his medicines. On top of all this, his left eye is pretty much gone. He can no longer see through it, and last night he was telling me that his right eye was hurting.

Staying hopeful, but I am broken.

xoxo Karry

..

September 20th 2019

A lot happens in a day in the lives of my husband and myself. The final day of radiation is 9/11/19… his niece’s, Haqua’s birthday.

A quick recap of the second diagnosis… Diagnosed on 5/31/19 with CNS lymphoma. First treatment was liquid high dosage chemo, and it was not working. 7/31/19, Second treatment was chemo pills with LPs and some liquid chemo. I believe on 8/26/19 he was admitted to start radiation.

Since he was on the chemo pills he became disabled and could no longer see out of his left eye. Once his oncologist saw the cancer claim his eye and starting to take away his mobility, he wanted to start on radiation right away. He was admitted for about 5 days to start his daily radiation treatment. After he was discharged, the doctor assigned physical therapy for my husband twice a week or so… In just a week of the radiation and physical therapy he has completely turned around. It’s still a struggle to bend down for him, but other than that he is able to see a little bit through the bad eye, can walk faster than before, get dressed, and shower without assistance. MD Anderson has made a miracle with my husband’s case. The radiation has completely turned things around. He will get a 2-3 week break before redoing the scans and imaging. I am sure that after the doctors get the imaging they will reevaluate and see what steps we will take on.

Keep us in your prayers. xoxo, Karry

..

October 8th 2019

Starting Oct. 15 the husband is going to go back to the hospital to do imaging and test to see how the cancer situation is.

In that time, I have noticed that we keep ending each month in the negative (financial wise). I am trying all kinds of things to have as side hustles to maintain us afloat, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards yet. I am definitely falling into some dark time, but what can I do? This shit is out of my control, but I can always do my best with what I got.

In a more personal note, my relationship with my husband has not been well for a couple of years now. We do enjoy each other’s company, but that is it. I have voiced to him my concerns and what my needs were in the relationship over the years, he would agree and change for a brief amount of time and then return to being content. I let this continue for weeks, months, and years. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but we were no longer on the same page. Love, passion, and chemistry all abandoned our home. Like any other human being, I thought it was all my fault because I am the only person I can control. The summer of 2018 I started working out, eating healthier, and trying to grow and become a better person for us. I took on a second job and side hustles so that we can have more disposable income for us to enjoy life. When his health started to decline that fall/winter it was a very difficult and traumatizing time for us both. Seeing him multiple times at the brink of death from then to now has made me mourn my husband one too many times. I have done everything in my power to take care of him and make him happy, as I would expect him to do for me if I was in his shoes. But after years of constant disappointments, constant emotional and physical drain, of trying to rebuild this relationship on my own; I have thrown in the towel. He is and always will be in my heart. He is and always will be my best friend. He is and always will be my family.

People will judge me, but they haven’t walked a mile in my shoes. People will call me selfish, but they haven’t experienced what I have been through. If I don’t take care of myself, who will? It’s okay to do nothing. It’s okay to speak up. It’s okay to let go. I have been hiding this for too long. I have been pretending to be okay for too long… After I finished my therapy with AbleTo, I have been on a path of living my truth. The people that know me very well know that they can tell my mood or feeling just by looking at my face. Life is too short to live a lie, to live unhappy, to not be heard. I will continue to live my truth, I am proud of my battle scars and my self; nothing and no one will change that.

xoxo Karry

[blog-optimisticcoffeestuden-blog]

How much is motorcycle insurance?

"How much is motorcycle insurance?

im about to turn 18 and im planing to get a sport bike but i want to know how much the insurance will cost me

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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What is the purpose of insurance?

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I let my son drive my car sometimes and his six months is up and he is now wants to drive friends in the car. I know my car insurance will cover him if he is in a wreck, but will it cover his friends?""

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Most rentals have a list of dog breeds you cant have because insurance wont cover certain breeds that are bite prone. Anyone know how I can find this list?

Are there any ways to make car insurance chaper when your 17?

In october im going to be 16 and neither me or my dad want to pay the massive charges for insuring a teenager that has just passed there test at 17. What i would like to know is if there is anything i could do when im 16 that would make the insurance cheaper, for example getting a scooter and riding that so i have one years no claims or getting driving lessons in a private area where it is legal. Or am i going to have to pay the massive insurance charges no matter what? Thanks for your help Daniel""

Cheap health insurance for college students?

I live in Orlando, FL and i'm a non-smoking college student. Does anyone know of any cheap health insurance or even health discount plans that I could get on just to cover the cost of my Bipolar disorder meds and possibly a couple of visits to the psychiatrist? Yearly physicals and examinations I can handle, but this psychiatrist that I see is $200.00 a visit PLUS the cost of all of the perscriptions he prescribes to me. HELP!""

How much did your car insurance rate increase when your 16 year old began driving?

How much did your car insurance rate increase when your 16 year old began driving?

Cheapest car insurance?

I'm 21 and I'll be getting a new car in a week or so. I've been in a few accidents (mostly little fender-benders that we didn't claim on the insurance) but about a month ago I flipped my car. I'm wondering what kind of car will be the cheapest to insure? What kind of coverage should I get? And what insurance companies should I look into?

Car Insurance Help?

Hi, I already confirmed that insurance for me and my Mum and Bro on a BMW (E36) 316 Coupe (Group 11) is do-able However, due to the lack of decent 316 coupes on the market im now looking at a 318 (1.9) Saloon which is also Insurance Group 11. Will my insurance quote stay very similiar because they are both group 11 or will it go up because its now a 1.9 litre as opposed to a 1.6? Im looking at a 318 (1.9) E46 Saloon 1999. Many thanks!!!""

Has anyone insured a 17yr old learner driver if so where?

Hi I want to insure my 17 yr old son 18 this year he is about to learn to drive on my car insurance, I rang my insurance they said they dont insure anyone under 25yrs it it due to run out in may so i will be going elsewhere any ideas where would insure someone of that age and how much did it cost many thanks""

Car Insurance for Citroen Saxo?

So i've been looking at cars seeing as im 17 and learning to drive. Well i really like a car ive seen which is a Citroen Saxo 1.1 litre and 2003 model. Round about how much insurance would it be? one of my parents would be on the insurance also and they have no claims. I'm female by the way if that makes much of a difference? Help would b appreciated :)

What is the cheapest insurance company to switch to for a descent price after a DUI?

I am 23 and have a 2005 chevy silverado single cab. It's paid off in full. I usually like to have basic & Im on my dads plan which is about 3-400 a year. & they are now increasing it to 800$. I would like to switch to a company that I can pay less to.

If you get disability do you lose your health insurance?

I live in Tennessee and I have PHP health insurance. I am thinking about trying to see if I could get disability because of my many health problems. I am wondering since the government pays for my health insurance and I get approved would I lose my PHP?

""I have a new baby, will I get a auto insurance discount or increase if I tell them?""

My little girl is 10 weeks old, I'm not sure if I have to tell my auto insurance company (AAA). Would it be better to insure that she's covered? Or will it just cost me more?""

Does car insurance cover only one car per policy?

Like, if I had many cars, would the policy cover all those cars for one fee or would I have to get insurance for each car? I feel like each policy only covers one car but I'm not for sure which is why I'm here. And if there is such a car insurance that covers x amount of cars for one fee, let me know. Thanks for taking the time to answer this.""

""If im a 21 year old female wuth a dui, how much is car insurance?

I'm 21 with a dui on my record. Approximately how much would car insurance cost on a 2000 Ford escort?

How to transfer car loan to my name?

My boyfriend has gotten a dui recently and his insurance went up like crazy tripling how much he use to pay. To avoid paying for the high insurance rate for the next 4 or so years, he suggested that he transfer his Wachovia car loan to me. How do I go about to doing that? Do I contact Wachovia first? Do I then have to get a car loan from the bank for the remaining amount of his car? By the way, my credit score is excellent. Thanks your answers.""

Need to find homeowners insurance?

Have pit bull trying to find homeowners insurance that will allow me to keep my dog

How much is motorcycle insurance?

im about to turn 18 and im planing to get a sport bike but i want to know how much the insurance will cost me

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/can-you-give-me-examples-how-obama-care-drive-up-cost-david-doe"