#guy williams cortez

[randomheadcanons]

Darkest Timeline Mini Fic Ch. 1

Just wanted to play in space!! Idk how long it will be. 

we post like MEN

“That’s not fair,” Tally pouted as the race came to an end. The camera zoomed in on Guy’s winning Koopa as the rest of the Crew’s characters lamented at their loss. “ That’s like the 5th game in a row. Did you mess with the controllers?”

“I did take them apart,” Guy conceded, “but I put them back together exactly the way they were.” 

“Maybe you should just get good,” Justin suggested with a shrug, tossing some popcorn in her direction. Tally stuck her tongue out. 

“Yo,” Cat chided, before taking the piece off of the floor and popping it in her mouth. “I just vacuumed,” 

“Which you didn’t have to,” Guy assured, “We can clean our own apartment,” he said, gesturing to Justin, who nodded emphatically. To this, Cat shrugged. 

“I got bored,” she replied as Tally stretched and got to her feet before going into the kitchen. This scenario was not an unusual one in Justin and Guy’s apartment. With each of their jobs keeping them busy, the Crew had decided that it was important to have a standing hangout, which was on Tuesdays. Of course, something could come up, but each of them tried to make it a priority, and as often as possible. 

Ever since she moved out of the Lair, Tally found herself either there or here, in the boys’ apartment. She had to laugh at herself as she reached into the fridge for a soda; should she have even moved out in the first place? It was way cheaper to live with the turtles, and they were reluctant for her to go. And she was reluctant to leave. But Tally had told herself that it was something she needed to do, to ‘spread her wings’, or whatever. But going from the constant chaos of living with four people to suddenly living in a studio apartment by herself was…weird. Not unnerving, but weird. Maybe unnerving? But definitely weird. 

Tally was brought out of her reverie by a yelp from Guy and a bright flash of light emitting from the living room. 

“Did you blow up the TV?” she called, smile in her voice. 

“Get in here,” Cat called back urgently. “Now.” 

Tally immediately stood up straight and rounded the corner. 

What she saw was her friends, standing at the ready. Cat, narrowed expression, remote in hand, ready to strike. Guy, on the floor as if he had been pushed back with a force, staring. Justin, with a sword that he had likely hidden somewhere stupid, at the ready. And a woman, dressed in a blue spacesuit, with a helmet and cape. Her Jetsons-cosplay had little watches studded throughout, all at different times. Her hands were up and her eyes were very wide in a clear -please don’t murder me- type of way. Well, one hand was up, the other held a staff, equally as blue and vibrant. 

Just a regular Tuesday. 

“I’m not here to hurt you!” The woman chirped in a rush. “I need your help!” 

“Who are you?” Cat demanded, helping Guy up. 

“And why are you in our living room-” Justin started, sword up. 

“-dressed like a 50’s cosmonaut?” Guy finished. 

“I’ll explain everything I just need-” 

“Are you Renet?” Tally asked suddenly as she pieced it together. The woman, and the Crew, looked at Tally in bewilderment. 

“Yes!” The woman-Renet-beamed. 

“And who is Renet?” Justin asked, looking from Tally to the visitor. Tally shrugged. 

“I’m not really sure,” she supplied. “I just remember the guys used to talk about-” 

“The guys!” Renet squealed. “How is Mikey?” Tally blinked. “Uh, he’s good.” she paused. “But, evidently she’s a time wizard?” she finished, her sentence lilting up at the end, as if she was unsure. Because she was.

“A what?” Justin asked with a blink. 

“I prefer Timestress,” Renet interrupted. “But I’m still an apprentice so my actual title is-” 

“Shut up,” Cat snapped, turning back to Tally. “What did the guys talk about?” Tally shook her head, spreading her hands. “I dunno,” She continued. “It was something about a time wizard…different reality…timeline..thing? I’m not really sure. It happened before the guys and I met, but apparently there was a dragon-?” “Yes!” Renet interrupted again, “Drako.” The Crew turned back toward the blue Timestress, and she grimaced. She paused, looking at them. “Oh, would you like me to-” “Yes.” all four of them said at once. 

Renet took a breath and nodded. “Okay, so long story short. A few years ago, I sort of kind of lost the Time Scepter-or it was stolen rather-by this dragon named Drako who totally hates my guts. And he stole it because he is power mad and yadi-yada-yada. All of this to say the turtles got involved because of the Battle Nexus Championship and then Drako got really mad about that and vowed revenge so he blasted the turtles through time and space to different realities but they got back and defeated Drako and restored their-your-timeline. Mostly.” 

There was a pause. 

“Mostly?” Guy asked hesitantly. 

Renet sighed. “So the initial blast not only sent the guys into different realities and timelines but also left tears in a few others. So.” she continued, beginning to pace. She picked the popcorn bowl up off of the table and started speaking between bites. “Even though Drako is gone the tears were still left and Simultaneous-” “Who?” Justin cut off. 

“My boss.” Renet said with a dismissive hand. 

“Right, the Time Wizard.” Cat deadpanned. 

“Well he prefers Time Lord” Renet corrected. “But he got really mad obviously and put me on probation again which involved fixing the tears and I’m almost done but there is one that is still ripped.” “Ours, I’m assuming.” Tally groaned, rubbing her eyes. 

“But what’s that got to do with us?” Cat challenged, gesturing to the four of them. “Can’t you just wave your staff thing and fix it?”

“I have to be within so many feet of the target to send them back to their timeline.” 

“And who are you dealing with, exactly?” Justin asked. 

Another pause. 

“You guys,” Renet supplied. 

[aragarna]

Guy Williams as Diego de la Vega and Sandy Livingston as Rosarita Cortez (Zorro, 1957, 1x22)

[peachiseas]

Soooo in theory, if i was making a short dating sim with renpy to become not rusty, who would you guys want to see?

[snobgoblin]

oh my god you guys have no idea I've just been exploding to tell you this one all day

(warning this one's a little dark, think the darkest elements present in both fnaf and Gorillaz)

OK GOD OK SO. fnaf Gorillaz au. BUT. it's a bit more complicated than that, it's not a 1-to-1 theyre the same for like, anything, it's basically "Gorillaz characters and their backstories are essentially the same except theyre in a completely different setting mirroring the events of fnaf"

OK SO. I'll try to make this as short as I can

-Murdoc is William Afton

-Russel is Henry Emily

-Noodle is an amalgamation of those two's children who died in accidents

-2-D is a nightguard

(I thought Russel and Murdoc would be perfect for Henry and William because they're both really into robots)

OK. so. in this, Murdoc and Russel are partners. they adopt this kid, Noodle, together, and realize that like them she really loves technology and music. (it's easier to combine William and Henry's families into one since there aren't many gorillaz characters) they just think the world of Noodle, they love her more than anything, so they build two springlock suits to entertain her. 1 (Spring Bonnie) Cortez the Raven and 2) (Fredbear) Katsu the Cat. Noodle loves these things to death, and one day she decides that she wants to try on the springlock suit, and she died (kind of mirrors both El Mañana and the tragedies that struck in fnaf)

well understandably, this destroyed Murdoc and Russel. so they opened up a pizzeria (known for their off the walls flavors) to maybe, hopefully fill the void of making that kid happy with their animatronics. this time, with a different Cat animatronic with sunglasses, Mike the Monkey, and a new, colorful Cortez the Raven, as well as an unnamed Pig (also I'm not entirely sure if Golden Freddy and Fredbear are one in the same tbh but there would be a fifth)

well Murdoc decided he just couldn't stand it anymore and he wanted to make a deal with Satan. if he sacrificed five children, he could get Noodle back. so he killed these bullies that frequented the pizzeria

those bullies being, the gangreen gang. well Russel just felt awful about this, I mean his friends were killed, he's gonna have strong feelings about these kids being killed. so he tried everything to bring them back, taxidermy, prosthetics, but he found out that stuffing them in suits did the trick, but because their souls then went into the animatronics, the deal did not work

well anyway I forgot a lot of what I was trying to remember today but shit hits the fan in every way imaginable, Murdoc gets springlocked and then Russel has no friends, no family, no partner, and really no reason to live so he burns down the pizzeria with him inside

I also want to do something with Cyborg Noodle- like, in the books, Charlie was a robot the whole time and had no idea the real her died as a child

OH I forgot to mention 2-D becomes a night guard bc he heard some freaky shit went down and he wants to know All The Secrets he's very curious about it. like a real life horror movie. he probably would also be like Phone Dude from fnaf 3 (really excited about the murders to the point of salvaging everything from the fire to make it a horror attraction)

[simptasia]

ages of LOST characters when we first meet them vs the ages of the actors when they first started playing them. reminder that the starting point of LOST is september 22nd 2004. if a character’s age seems one less than sounds right to you its because their birthday is coming up. if a character is missing from this it’s because we don’t know their age in canon (looking at you, desmond)

jack shephard: 34 matthew fox: 38

kate austen: 27 evangeline lilly: 25

hugo “hurley” reyes: 25 jorge garcia: 31

james “sawyer” ford: 35 josh holloway: 35

sawyer says he’s 35. but lostpedia only has sawyer’s birthyear, 1968, making him 36. however an easy explanation for this is that sawyer has a birthday coming up in the post september to december range (like many other characters here) thus making the birthyear and what sawyer said still right

john locke: 48 terry o’quinn: 52

sayid jarrah: 36 naveen andrews: 35

jin-soo kwon: 29 daniel dae kim: 36

sun-hwa kwon: 24 yunjin kim: 31

claire littleton: 21 emilie de ravin: 23

charlie pace: 27 dominic monaghan: 27

okay so an odd thing happened here. we don’t actually know charlie’s age in canon, except that based on a statement from liam that he’s absolutely less than 30. and basically what happened is there was big debate on lostpedia, the general gist being he’s 25 to 28, until everybody just gave up and they slapped dom’s birthday on charlie’s page. and it’s still there to this day

walt lloyd: 10 malcolm david kelley: 12

walt’s actor was gonna age outta the role anyways due to the nature of lost’s timeline but their first mistake was casting a 12 year old. like, hello, puberty?

shannon rutherford: 20 maggie grace: 21

boone carlyle: 23 ian somerhalder: 26

danielle rousseau: 44 mira furlan: 49

ethan rom: 27 william mapother: 39

the consequences of season 5 are starting to hit

bernard nadler: 56 or 57 sam anderson: 58

ana lucia cortez: 29 michelle rodriguez: 27

eko tunde: 35 adewale akinnuoye-agbaje: 38

alexandra “alex” rousseau/linus: 16 tania raymonde: 17

benjamin “ben” linus: 39 michael emerson: 51

this isn’t even due to later timeline decisions, they just decided to do this

miles straume: 27 ken leung: 38

daniel faraday: 26 jeremy davies: 39

charlotte lewis: 33 rebecca mader: 31

and theeere’s the season 5 whammy. for those who don’t know (you must be new to my blog) dan and miles ages differ so much from their actors because when our guys are in 1977, it suited the story and characters better for miles to be a baby and dan to be an embryo (and char to be 6) at the same time. the writers were set on 1977 being the year everybody got stuck in and that’s how we get daniel faraday being an oxford professor at fucking 18

it’s something that gets funnier and sadder the longer you think about it

anyways. thank you for your time!

[whereareroo]

THE LUCK OF THE IRISH

WF THOUGHTS (3/15/24).

This year, we have the whole weekend to celebrate Saint Patrick���s Day. I’ll drink to that!

Between 1820 and 1930, a flood of 4,500,000 Irish Immigrants came to America. Most of them settled in big cities with existing Irish communities. The Irish played a major role in building America’s infrastructure. They built streets, bridges, tunnels, railroads, canals, water systems, sewer systems, and hundreds of Irish Pubs. Once the cities were built, the Irish protected them by serving in police departments and fire departments. The Irish immigrants, and their decendants, played a big role in American history.

You probably already knew the story about Irish laborers building America. Did you know that the Irish discovered the New World? It’s true. Columbus played second fiddle. Let me explain.

We all know the story about Columbus. He was an explorer from Italy who sailed for Spain. In 1492, he sailed from Spain with a flotilla consisting of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. All of the boats were operated by Irish guys. The biggest boat, the Nina, was piloted by an Irishman from Galway named Patrick Callaghan. A pair of Irish brothers controlled the two other boats. Patrick Maguire piloted the Santa Maria. His brother, William, was the navigator on the Pinta. When they reached the New World (in the Bahamas), the first man to step ashore was Patrick Maguire! All of the history books should be corrected to reflect the fact that Irish guys discovered the New World.

Why did an explorer from Italy, who was sailing for Spain, pick a bunch of Irish guys to lead the expedition? Columbus was aware of an Irish Saint known as Brendan the Navigator or Brendan the Voyager. Saint Brendan was a missionary priest who was born in Tralee, which is in County Kerry. In the year 551, Saint Brendan sailed from Ireland with a missionary team that included a crew of sixty people. In addition to Irish sailors, the crew included a large member of Irish priests and a large number of Irish monks. It is said that they eventually reached Florida. They thought that they were on an island. On foot, they pushed towards the western shore. When they were unable to cross the Mississippi River, they returned to their ships and sailed back to Ireland. Many people don’t believe this story. Others believe that it’s true. The believers note that there was a Shawnee Indian tradition in northern Florida about a visit from an Irish-Speaking tribe. When Cortez invaded Mexico in the early 1500s, he was surprised to hear multiple stories about a white bearded missionary who had visited nearby regions. Columbus was fully aware of the legend surrounding Saint Brendan. He read many accounts about Brendan’s various voyages. It’s no surprise that Columbus loaded his boats with Irishmen. There’s a very good chance that the Irish were in the New World long before Columbus was born.

Let’s celebrate the great accomplishments of the Irish! Obviously, you’re free to believe whatever you want to believe. I choose to believe that the Irish discovered America and that the Irish built America. You’re taking a big risk if you believe otherwise. Everybody talks about the luck of the Irish. You don’t want to be on the wrong end of an Irish curse. 🍀

[libraknowsastrology]

✨Public Figure Libra Women✨

Part 1:

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Serena Williams.

The Sports Queen Libra👸🏾

Judge Judy.

The Justice Libra 👩🏻‍⚖️

Cardi B.

The Unapologetic Libra 💅🏼

Bella Hadid.

The High Fashion Libra 👠

Monica Bellucci.

The Femme fatale Libra 💁🏻‍♀️

Michaela Coel.

The Funny Libra 😁

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

The Political Libra 📢

Fran Drescher.

The Spicy Libra 💋

Doja Cat.

The Quirky Libra 🐈‍⬛

Naomi Osaka.

The Sports Princess Libra 👑

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Ok that’s it for now! You guys will not believe some of the other amazing people who are Libras! Stay tuned for part 2!!

[theoriginalladya]

As Luck Would Have It (update) - Day 5 - Afternoon, Part 2

Summary: What do a mini-Irish invasion, a murdered leprechaun, and an old flame have in common? Joker’s not amused by any of them.

~~~

Fandom: Mass Effect

Rating: Teen and Up

Relationships: Male Shepard & Kaidan Alenko, Male Shepard & Abby Williams, Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko, EDI/Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Steven Hackett/Karin Chakwas, Steve Cortez/James Vega, Jack|Subject Zero/Samantha Traynor

Characters: Caleb Shepard (O'Connell - OC), Tadhg Shepard (O'Connell - OC), Niamh Shepard (O'Connell - OC), Kaidan Alenko, Karin Chakwas, Steven Hackett, Samantha Traynor, Jeff "Joker" Moreau, John Shepard, EDI, Ashley Williams, Zaeed Massani, Steve Cortez, James Vega, Garrus Vakarian, Urdnot Bakara - Eve, Urdnot Grunt, Urdnot Wrex, Kasumi Goto, The Illusive Man - Jack Harper, Jacob Taylor, Kelly Chambers, Rahna, Brigit O'Halloran (OC), Jack|Subject Zero

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Hallmark Movie AU, St. Patrick's Day, Past Relationship(s), Green Beer, bartending, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Shenanigans

Series: The Town of Norman

Chapter 15: Day 5 - Afternoon, Part 2

Excerpt:

“If it helps,” John said, “I’m pretty sure Joker had that planned out before the big leprechaun was sabotaged.”

Kaidan thought about it.  “...No.  I don’t think that’s gonna help.”

“Caleb is not so easily appeased?” John asked with a grin.

“Caleb might be,” came a voice from their left.  “Why does he need to be appeased?”

John turned to look at their town’s newest temporary resident as Kaidan sat up.  Caleb, wearing a suspiciously cooperative dark green shirt under that omnipresent jacket, was walking up to them.

He held up a pair of water bottles like a peace offering.  “Thought you might want these.”

“Are you running a delivery service as part of your bar?” John asked lightly as Kaidan snagged one of the bottles.

“No,” Caleb said, just as airly.  “I just know how Kaidan gets in a crowd.  And it’s always good to stay hydrated.”

He gave John a funny look at the energy behind his laugh, and not for the first time, John wondered if he shouldn’t put more effort into making sure Caleb and Garrus met before the man had to go back to Ireland.  It’d be one more way to make sure the guy remembered Norman.

He’d fly over there himself if Caleb didn’t call every few months.

~~~

Read Full Chapter || Read from the Beginning || Read Series

Spotify Playlist

What started as an offer to lend out my Irish Shepard, Caleb, for some St. Patrick's Day shenanigans has turned into a full blown collaborative effort with @happychica, and I couldn't be more delighted! Thank you, my friend, for allowing Caleb, Tadhg, and Niamh into your sandbox to play! This has turned into such an amazing adventure, and we've only just gotten started! And huge thanks to @screwyouflightlieutenant for the fabulous commercial breaks! (I love these soooooooooo much!)

[xldsims]

🎄 Christmas 2019 Gift #2 | ME Characters  Release II 🎄

I’m so sorry, it has literally been a whole year when I last said I’d start releasing these guys! Ha! So better late than never?

This release also includes a crude hair edit of the base game buzz cut tweaked to the style used on Cortez in ME3; it’s included in the download of his sim!

As a friendly reminder – this does not include any more CC content associated with the sims above then already stated!

Some CC you’ll need:

❆ Liam Kosta - The Hustle Hair, The Hustle Facial Hair

❆ Ashley Williams - The Chief Hair

❆ Steve Cortez - Lo Piloto Facial Hair

Download‘s down here↯

[Sim File Share↯]

| Liam Kosta [Sim] | Ashley Williams [ME1 Sim] | Steve Cortez [Sim + Hair] |  Group II Release [All Sims + Hair] |

[gaiapaia]

There’s Something About Elisa

Let’s just ignore the fact that Elisa once dated one of the leads in There’s Something About Mary. Thank you.

With a special Valentine’s Day rendition of Kermit and Friends on deck for Sunday, I thought it would be fun to look at all the love interests Elisa has had since Kermit and Friends began.

The very first episode of Kermit and Friends took place on February 19, 2015. At the time, Elisa was in a high-profile relationship with Benjy Bronk, a writer and personality on The Howard Stern Show. Benjy and Elisa’s relationship was a topic point on THSS for a few years by this time. Benjy worshipped the ground Elisa walked on when they first met, but after years of dating and living together, the relationship had grown a little tired for them both.

So once Kermit and Friends started, Elisa began to receive lots of interest from many guys.

First, there was Luke Wilson. No, not the movie star Luke Wilson, but this Luke Wilson...

Luke hid his face with a fake beard, hid his identity, but that didn’t keep him from showering Elisa with love and tons of gifts. From over a dozen Kermit puppets, to broadcasting equipment such as lights and mics... Luke spent a pretty penny to please Elisa.

However, it didn’t take long for Luke to grow sour. Why? Well, it’s hard to say... he ghosted her out of the blue. And when he popped up sporadically in the future, he had nothing but nasty things to say about Elisa.

Regardless, this did not deter Elisa in the slightest. She caught the eye of Gonzo Shitcock, a regular caller of The Howard Stern Show who was known for his tumultuous friendship with Eric the Actor.

Gonzo was another one who sent gifts to Elisa and made her believe he loved her.

This time for Elisa, the feelings were mutual. She fell just as hard for Gonzo as she thought Gonzo fell for her. This led to Gonzo making a trip to New York and meeting Elisa for a couple of romantic nights together.

What happened after Gonzo left... he lost interest, I guess. Elisa was willing to move to Sacramento for him, but he wanted no part of it. Did he play Elisa? Did he just want to have sex and nothing more? Was he afraid he couldn’t afford to move Elisa in with him? We never got an explanation from Gonzo, and perhaps never will.

One night Elisa caught Gonzo flirting with another woman on a Kermit and Friends aftershow, and she was officially done with him. Elisa even tried to “trade” Gonzo to the woman he was flirting with in exchange for a guy who was actively trying to hook up with that woman by the name of Lame. Yes, that’s right, his name was Lame. Lame would go on to disappear after that.

Not long after the Gonzo saga, Elisa would accept a date from a nice man by the name of Kenny. Kenny was very interested in Elisa and even brought her a bottle of her favorite wine. Unfortunately, the date did not go so well.

Then there was Marc. Marc grew a strong infatuation for Elisa, very strong. And Elisa loved Marc back. She loved how sweet and funny he was. They met on a couple of occasions and really hit it off.

Marc’s feelings for Elisa went past friendship. He wanted her to be his girlfriend, while Elisa wanted to just be friends. She tried her best to handle the situation as delicately as possible, but unfortunately other evil forces were at play from those KAF aftershows I mentioned above. They got in Marc’s ear and sabotaged he and Elisa’s friendship. It’s a very sad story.

At this point, Elisa and Benjy decided to try to work things out. They moved back in together, and Elisa would resume doing Kermit and Friends. However, this did not discourage men from trying to steal Elisa away.

In one case, there was a guy by the name of Jimmy Linguini, who made an impact on the show by flashing during his first ever appearance.

Elisa actually took a liking to Jimmy. She made him co-host and supposedly was flirting behind the scenes with him. Benjy was not happy about this and once threatened to throw himself off a bridge if Elisa kept talking to Jimmy. 

Benjy had nothing to worry about though because Jimmy’s true colors would come out not long after that and Elisa would want no part of someone so heinous like Jimmy.

From this point on, Elisa would no longer show interest in anyone on the show. She had her suitors though, mostly older gentleman. There’s one guy I won’t mention who really fell hard for Elisa. He was married and bought her gifts and would send her messages about how he dreamed of her. This led to a very toxic relationship between the two, with them constantly butting heads, albeit in hilarious fashion.

Then along came Kleenex. Ah yes, good ol’ wonderful Kleenex. He was another married, older stud who fell in love instantly with Elisa. He tried his best to charm Elisa’s pants off with total adoration and even a “Gold Digger” sweater.

Elisa however was only interested in being friends with Kleenex. This drove him nuts, which in turn gave great content to Kermit and Friends.

It’s been over 5 years since Kleenex and Elisa first met. If you ask Kleenex about Elisa right now, you’ll get different answers on different days. However, he still admits to his strong obsession over her.

Many more from Kermit and Friends would fall in love with Elisa. Most kept it hidden, but it was easy to spot whenever they would lash out at her over the smallest of things. There’s never any reason to get so passionately angry at Elisa, so anytime someone does, I just assume they must be in love with her. Women included.

The original Kermit and Friends ended in April 2016. Elisa and Benjy were still in a committed relationship, living together in New York. Elisa started taking writing courses and got some cool articles published nationwide. By the end of the year, however, her and Benjy’s relationship was more miserable than ever and Elisa accepted a reality TV role that would move her to Los Angeles in January 2017.

For the most part, Elisa has kept her dating life private since moving to LA, so I won’t mention anything I know about it with the exception of one, Kermit and Friends newcomer Eric Riggs.

Elisa met Eric while working in an office in Los Angeles. Eric became smitten with Elisa and started giving her gifts and even proposed to her! Eric though had to leave LA for Seattle only a few months after he first met Elisa (Elisa would then set up a meeting between Eric and Kleenex where they would spend hours discussing their love for her).

Elisa brought back Kermit and Friends on November 2, 2020 and Eric let people know right away how he feels about Elisa.

Eventually, Eric would come to grips that Elisa isn’t meant for him.

Not long after the revival of KAF, Elisa would meet a pink Octopus by the name of Alexander Octopus Cortez. She liked him right off the bat.

Elisa would go on to write a song for him and profess her crush live on the show.

Unfortunately, “AOC” turned out to be a complete troll/scumbag that spews nothing but lies and hate. He turned on Elisa a day after they facetimed the night before, saying he was mad she allowed “Antifa” members on Kermit and Friends. AOC would then pretend to have a girlfriend and use her as an excuse as to why he left. Since no one bought it, he just now spends his time obsessively hating Elisa, mad that he could have had her but he was too insecure to pull the trigger because he’s most likely just as ugly on the outside as he is on the inside.

But the crazy doesn’t stop with that pink Octopus. Nope. It would only get crazier...

Yep, as covered on the blog this week, famous actor Andy Dick has proposed to Elisa. What makes this situation ultra unique is the fact that the producer who originally booked Andy to be on the show, William Quigley, is ALSO in love with Elisa! Quig hasn’t proposed officially but he has expressed his interest in marrying Elisa.

To add even an extra crazy layer to it.... Barry Boss, a porn star with a surgically enhanced penis who's spent the last 6 months in an insane asylum is also pining after Elisa! He was released just this week, and has already sent Elisa penis pictures and offered her to move in with him in Miami. He will be making his on-screen Kermit and Friends revival debut this Sunday! Will he steal Elisa away from Andy?!

So how nuts is this? It’s Elisa Jordana, it’s Kermit and Friends. It’s a real life There’s Something About Mary unfolding before our very eyes. Your guess is as good as mine as far as what can happen next. Tune in every Sunday at 11:00AM PST. to watch it live at https://youtube.com/elisajordana.

This Sunday’s show, Valentine’s Day, is definitely one you do not want to miss.

[randomheadcanons]

This redraw brought to you by the song Waffle House by the Jo Bros

[aragarna]

[reading-writing-revolution]

Heather Cox Richardson:

August 13, 2020 (Thursday)

Today was another one for the history books.

This morning, in an interview with Fox Business Network’s Maria Bartiromo, Trump came out and said it: he wants to starve the United States Postal Service to destroy mail-in voting. Claiming that mail-in voting favors Democrats, he said: “Now they need that money in order to make the post office work so it can take all of these millions and millions of ballots... Now, if we don’t make a deal, that means they don’t get the money. That means they can’t have universal mail-in voting, they just can’t have it.”

The president’s acknowledgement that he is deliberately sabotaging an institution established in the Constitution to steal the election provoked outrage. He is tampering with an election by attacking mail-in voting even as he and Melania Trump have requested mail-in ballots for themselves. And the USPS does not simply handle ballots, it also handles many aspects of our lives: packages, medicines, and so on—things vital to our economy and way of life. “When the president goes after the Postal Service, he’s going after an all-American, highly approved-by-the-public institution,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said.

The attack on the USPS dovetails with the push of the Trump administration to privatize the USPS, a push launched shortly after Trump took office. This week we learned that Trump’s new Postmaster General, Louis DeJoy, retains at least $30 million in holdings of the company XPO Logistics, a private competitor to the USPS, and that on the same day in June that he got rid of a large number of shares of Amazon, he bought stock options at a lower price. Amazon would be hard hit by the disintegration of the USPS. “The idea that you can be a postmaster general and hold tens of millions in stocks in a postal service contractor is pretty shocking," said former director of the Office of Government Ethics Walter Shaub.

But the bottom line is that, until the Senate decides to do something about it, the House is powerless to fund the USPS to help it survive the economic crisis sparked by the coronavirus pandemic. In the $3 trillion Health and Economic Recovery Omnibus Emergency Solutions (HEROES) Act the House passed in May, there was a $25 billion support for the USPS. But the Senate declined to take up the HEROES Act. When the Republicans could not agree on a new measure at the end of July, the Democrats began to negotiate directly with the White House, which proposed a more limited, $1 trillion bill. Democrats suggested a compromise at $2 trillion, but the White House has refused to budge. With this stalemate, Congress has gone on vacation for the rest of the month, while negotiators continue to try to reach a deal.

Representative Ted Lieu (D-CA) noted that DeJoy's new regulations are slowing the mail dramatically. He tweeted: “Here is the truth and I need you to spread it: the voters need to take control. Voters need to [vote by October 22] if using USPS.”

Other Democrats pushed back on Trump in their own way. In his interview, Trump said of New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a Democrat: “AOC was a poor student. I won’t say where she went to school, it doesn’t matter. This is not even a smart person, other than she’s got a good line of stuff. I mean she goes out and she yaps.” Ocasio-Cortez retorted: “Let’s make a deal, Mr. President. You release your college transcript, I’ll release mine, and we’ll see who was the better student. Loser has to fund the Post Office.”

The admission he is sabotaging the post office was not the only piece of news in Trump’s morning interview. He made it clear that he is eager to have Attorney General William Barr counter the story that Russia intervened in the 2016 election in Trump’s behalf. Trump wants Barr to reach a different conclusion based on a new Department of Justice investigation. When it became clear that the DOJ’s own inspector general would conclude that the FBI probe of certain of Trump’s campaign advisors was begun legitimately and without partisan bias—as he later did-- Barr launched his own, separate investigation, placing U.S. Attorney for the District of Connecticut John Durham in charge of it.

This morning, Trump indicated he has great hopes that the Durham investigation will establish that former FBI Director James Comey, former CIA Director John Brennan, and former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper spied on his campaign and lied to Congress about it. “Bill Barr can go down as the greatest attorney general in the history of our country, or he can go down as an average guy,” Trump said, depending on whether or not he produced a report that, according to Trump, is not tainted with political correctness. “We’ll see what happens…. It goes all to Obama, and it goes right to Biden.”

The president’s campaign has also launched a full-fledged attack on Senator Kamala Harris, tapped yesterday by presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden as his running mate. Trump and his surrogates say it is an “open question” whether she is constitutionally eligible to be president. This is a lie. There is no question that she is a natural-born citizen; she was born in California. Trump supporters are trying to argue that because her parents were not citizens when she was born, she is not a natural-born citizen, and is therefore ineligible for the presidency.

The Supreme Court answered this question definitively in the 1898 United States v. Wong Kim Ark decision. The Supreme Court evaluated the Fourteenth Amendment’s first clause, which says that "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside." The justices decided the clause established that anyone born on U.S. soil is an American citizen regardless of the nationality of their parents.

The rather tortured argument the Trump campaign is making is that the words “and subject to the jurisdiction thereof” excludes babies born to foreign-born parents because the parents retain some legal ties to their former countries and are therefore not fully subject to the jurisdiction of the United States, so their babies must not be, either. This is hogwash. The distinction made in the Fourteenth relates to certain Native American tribes in this era, whose members were certainly born in America, but did not acknowledge the jurisdiction of the federal government and therefore should not, lawmakers thought, be accorded the right to vote. (The next section of the amendment names Indians explicitly, saying “Indians not taxed” should not be counted toward congressional representation.)

What’s going on with these blatant attacks on American democracy?

The Biden campaign pushed back on Trump’s attack on the USPS, saying: “This is an assault on our democracy and economy by a desperate man who’s terrified that the American people will force him to confront what he’s done everything in his power to escape for months – responsibility for his own actions.”

There is something to the idea that the president is desperate. Trump’s former lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen today released the introduction to his forthcoming book. It’s a doozy. Cohen claims Trump colluded with the Russians in 2016 to get a “major real estate deal in Moscow…. I know because I personally ran that deal and kept Trump and his children closely informed of all updates, even as the candidate blatantly lied to the American people saying, ‘there’s no Russian collusion, I have no dealings with Russia…there’s no Russia.’”

Cohen’s book, Disloyal, is due out in September.

Cohen says he set up a secret back channel to Vladimir Putin, “stiffed contractors on [Trump’s] behalf, ripped off his business partners, lied to his wife Melania to hide his sexual infidelities, and bullied and screamed at anyone who threatened Trump’s path to power. From golden showers in a sex club in Vegas, to tax fraud, to deals with corrupt officials from the former Soviet Union, to catch and kill conspiracies to silence Trump’s clandestine lovers, I wasn’t just a witness to the president’s rise—I was an active and eager participant.”

[ghostxofxartemis]

Summary: When's the best or worst time to bring your boyfriend home to introduce to your Spectre Father Commander Shepard? Prom Night!

Fandom: Mass Effect Trilogy

Relationships: John Shepard/Ashley Williams, Alexandra Shepard/Jason Argyle

Rating: General Audience 

Also available on AO3.

Grissom Academy’s docks were currently occupied by many shuttles, small ships for those who could afford them or who were government employees. But there was one ship - no frigate , that stood out from the rest; Normandy SR-2.

The parents’ of the students were currently walking back to their shuttles or ships, while the graduate students gathered in the Atrium, graduation ceremony having just ended, chatting up with their friends before they went back to either their room or their parents ship to get ready for their Prom Night. Tomorrow, they’d all be leaving to go home.

Jason Argyle currently held Alexandra Shepard in a tight embrace and kissed the crown of her head. He had grown up to be quite tall, almost as tall as her father, standing at 6”1. Alex was just an inch taller than her mother, standing at 5”10. “You know, actually seeing your father in person for the first time. I’m slightly terrified of going to ask him about “officially” taking you out.” He sighed. They’d been best friends since Alex arrived at Grissom Academy at the age of thirteen, and eventually they admitted their feelings for each other and had moved on to the next stage of their relationship about six months ago. Of course, they had gone out with other people in their grades, but those relationships had never lasted long.

Alex buried her head against his chest and laughed. You have no idea how terrifying he can be when you get on his bad side. But only if you get on his bad side. “Your mother is just as intimidated. I mean...C’mon! Your parents are the first and second human spectres and your father is the Savior of the fucking Galaxy! How can one not be intimidated by him?!”

“You’ll be fine, you may have a sniper pointed at your head. But as long as you don’t say something witty right away, you should come out alive,” she retorted.

“Really, that’s not helping! Thanks, Alex.” She could picture him scowling at her, which made her laugh even more. She tilted her head to look up at him, lifted herself on her toes slightly to kiss his chin.

Jason, although a couple years older than Alex, was in the same grade. It wasn’t that he was held back a few years, he had been almost a year old during the Reaper war, and that meant he hadn’t been able to start school until a couple years later than usual. Just like some other students in her grade.

“Alex! There you are!”

Alex pulled away from Jason and looked at the direction she heard the familiar voice come from and scanned the faces. She didn’t have to scan too long as her good friend Lauren Hernandez, another one of the biotics at Grissom Academy, ran up to her and hugged her tightly. “You better get going, people are talking and gawking at your father’s ship. If you don’t want the attention, I’d go now,” she let Alex go. Lauren knew just how much Alex hated the attention that came with being the daughter of the Savior of the Galaxy. She punched Jason on his bicep “good luck later, buddy” before walking off in the directions of the dorm rooms. She looked back over her shoulder quickly, noticing they were watching her go, she waved, “I’ll see you guys later!”

“Well, if i’m going to look presentable when I face your father, I, also, better get going and get ready,” he kissed the bridge of her nose, “I’ll pick you up later in the Normandy, I guess,” he sighed, “someone shoot me now and get it over and done with.”

Alex made a show of scowling at him, “alright, see you later” turned on her heels and walked in the direction of the security to make her way back to her father’s ship.

                                                             ~n~

John, still in his black suit and tie, was sitting at one of the tables down in the crew mess. Garrus was leaning against the counters and told John he’d be right here behind Shepard making a show of ‘working’ on his Viper so that they could intimidate the boy together. John was currently facing Garrus but not directly looking at him, elbows on the table as he leaned slightly backwards.

“Now, Shepard. Just how bad are you planning on scaring the kid?”

“Just enough to know what I’ll do to him if he ever lays a hand on her and I catch him. Remember, I taught Alex how to defend herself, but it doesn’t mean I’m just going to let any hormone crazed boy date my daughter,” John shifted his glance to meet Garrus’ now. Last thing John needed was his daughter dating someone like how he used to be before he met Ashley. He remembered all too well how climbing up the ranks of the 10th Street Reds granted him any women he wanted and sometimes even two at the time. Those days were long gone now, there was only one woman who held his heart now, only one woman he wanted to please.

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten you taught her. Still can’t believe she managed to take you down like that,” Garrus laughed, remembering Alex getting her father in an arm-bar in the cargo hold as crew members looked on during their off duty hours. They’d always like to watch them train together.

“Proudest moment of my life,” John grinned, remembering how proud he was of her. It had happened just before she started her last year of Senior High.

John stood up with the biggest smile on his face. She had baited him, just like he taught her, placed her right leg behind his left leg and hopped a bit closer, closing the distance. Of course she hadn’t expected to take him down like that, no, he was a much bigger, stronger and tactical opponent. She wanted him to unbalance her and to throw her to the ground, and then, she brought her right leg behind his shoulder, and her left leg over his head, and with her weight, she pushed him to the ground - using his body weight against him,-  she squeezed his arm between her legs, she bridged up and he tapped before she broke his arm. The student had finally become the teacher. Even James still hasn’t managed to take her father down. Crowd cheering her, she had jumped to her feet, excited beyond words that she managed to take him down and ran along the cargo hold, high-fiveing James, Cortez, Garrus and the rest of the onlookers before leaping onto father's back. He’d manage to catch her legs and shift her weight so they were resting on his hips before spinning around in excitement.

“I feel bad for the guy who gets on her bad side. But, then again she is a mix of you and Williams. Dangerous mix, if you ask me.”

“No one’s asking, Garrus,” John laughed all too aware how a mix of their personalities combined in one could cause collateral damage. He’s seen her be like him, patient, deliberate, tactful and persuasive and then like a flip of a switch she could be blunt and dangerous... feisty like her mother.

‘That’s impressive, Sarah must be just as good as you’. John had said to Ashley down in the cargo hold of the Normandy SR1, as she told him about the time Sarah had an encounter with a boyfriend. ‘Better I’m more or less of a straight up puncher,’ is what Ashley had said, what seemed like a thousand years ago now, to compare her sister, Sarah, to herself. It’s accurate.

They heard the door from the elevator open and their gaze shifted into it’s direction, and they spotted Traynor rounding the corner with a young man following behind her. She saluted to Shepard, “that’s him, sir,” pointing to the younger man behind her.

“Thanks, Traynor. You’re dismissed,” he nodded at her and she turned to head back into the elevator to head back to her post in the CIC.

John stood up from his seat, and motioned to Jason to have a seat on the bench. Garrus was now into action, he grabbed a ragged and started cleaning wiping down his viper. Pretending he was getting it ready for battle.

Jason took a seat on the bench, he placed the corsage on the table and John studied him. He didn’t speak right away, instead he took purposeful steps back and forth in front of the kid, in the goal of getting him nervous, all the while keeping his eyes on the kid. He knew it was working when Jason brought a hand to his collar of his suit and adjusted it before bringing his hand down, swallowing hard and slowly.

“What’s your background?”

“M….my background, sir?” Jason asked confused.

“Yes, your background. Where did you grow up? Did you have stability? Background,” he paused in his tracks, shifted his weight onto one hip and crossed his arms. Behind him, a click could be heard from Garrus’ sniper.

Jason gulped, “parents’ are Alliance, sir. Father serves in the fifth fleet under Admiral Hackett. He’s N7, like you” he added hastily. Man, he’s so intimidating, he thought. “Mother is back on Earth. London. She’s a lawyer for the Alliance.”

John nodded, good start. Kid’s from a good background, seem respectful, disciplined, I can see that. Most students at Grissom Academy came from a good background, a stable family who did very well. It wasn’t everyone who could afford to send their children to the Academy. But cost wasn’t an issue for two people who were on Alliance Officer and Spectre Salary.

Jason continued, “I got three older brothers, also all serving in the Alliance. Also, a younger sister” he didn’t think it was important, but he could be wrong, and he didn’t feel like taking his chances right now.

“What’s your future goal?” John was always a man straight to the point.

“I have a knack for engineering, sir. I plan on enlisting, and then going to college to pursue engineering. Serving has been a tradition in my family,” he nervously adjusted his collar again.

John gave Garrus a quick glance, and the Turian nodded. They had an understanding: if the Turian nodded, he agreed that he liked where this was going so far. If not, well he’d have to change tactics. He looked back at Jason.

“What are your intentions with my daughter?” another click from Garrus’ viper, and he adjusted slightly, aiming it more into Jason’s direction now.

Jason’s green eyes widened. “Nothing, sir!”

“Nothing?” John demanded. “So you mean to just lead her on and toss her aside after tonight?” John's eyes flared as he uncrossed his arms, and walked towards Jason bringing his face up close to the younger man and placing his hands on either side of him, cornering him. Jason could have sworn they almost glowed red from overhead light at this angle, but that’s impossible. Is it?

“No, no, no” Jason interjected quickly, then took a deep breath trying to calm his rising heart beat. He heard another click from the turian’s sniper. Oh God, I’m a dead man.

“Oh my God, dad! What are you doing?!” Alex stood just in front of the table, one hand on her right hip as she shifted her weight on her left leg. John hadn’t heard her approach. He looked up at her, and his lips curled down. Alex’s lips twitched upwards slightly as she rolled her eyes. Expecting this exact reaction from her father.

She wore a navy blue dress, which brought out her blue eyes, just like blue brought out his. But the bosom of the dress was heart shaped, decaled with gold gems that shined when the light hit it in certain angle, revealing just enough cleavage that was appropriate for a young woman her age, but it was still a bit too much to John’s taste, that made her father - would make any father- uncomfortable.  The dress, made out of Italian silk material, hugged her curves perfectly, revealing a matured body. Her face was framed by loose strands of hair that had been curled, an elegant braid was pulled back with the rest of her brown hair in a twist and ending in a messy bun at the base of her neck. Her make-up was done up, smokey eyes, with a natural coloured blush with a hint of pink tint in but not overly powering. Her lipstick was a fiery red.

John groaned slightly, she looked absolutely stunning, which tightened his chest slightly. She wasn’t his little girl anymore, the one that jumped in puddles of mud, catching frogs with her brother and tormenting her cousins when they visited the Williams’ back on Earth for the holidays. Or the little girl that liked to get dirty down in the engineer deck with Chief Engineer Adams, Donnelly and Gabby, learning everything she could from them. She always had a curious mind, seeking more knowledge. She’d grown up into a beautiful young woman. John shifted his glance back at Jason, his eyebrows furrowing together in a V shape, father instincts on high alert now.

“No, sir. What I mean is...my intentions are pure. She’s a strong willed woman, brave, smart and witty. Admirable traits. But she’s also scary and for that, I would never want to get on her bad side, not intentionally. Instead, I want to protect her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. Be there for her on her good days and her bad days, I haven’t...we haven’t...” he held his breath as he waited for John’s reaction.

John understood what he and met, and looked backwards back at Garrus, and also noticed Ashley was now standing next to the Turian, her arms crossed. “He’s got guts to face you like that, Shepard, or maybe he’s just stupid. Either way, I’m starting to like him,” Garrus mandibles clicked together in the way it suggested he was laughing. John nodded as well. Not at a lot of people were brave enough or stupid enough to face Shepard the way this kid just did, and for that he respected him. John looked back to Jason, “If you ever harm my daughter in any way…”

“I don’t plan on it sir. I’m not looking forward to seeing what you would do to me,” Jason attempted to chuckle but it came out more as a strangled cough.

“Good man,” John straightened, releasing Jason from his prison hold and taking a few steps back. When Jason didn’t move, he added ‘well, what are you waiting for? Go on, get out of here! Make sure you bring her back to my ship as soon as the prom is done or I’ll come after you.”

Scrambling to his feet, Jason picked up the corsage from the table and walked over to Alex. She looked up at him and mouthed “I’m sorry”. Jason, spreading the band or the corsage with his fingers, offered it to her and she slid her wrist in the loop, and he then affectionately squeezed her wrist before lowering his arm. She pined the boutonniere on his lapel, then he offered his arm and she took, leading him to the elevator and head out for prom night.

“I’m surprised you didn’t want to interview him in the cargo hold, to space him if he said the wrong thing.” Garrus chuckled.

“I was tempted,” John smirked.

“Did you really let her pick that dress?” John asked Ashley as she approached him, placing her head on his shoulder.

“You only get one prom,” she said and kissed his cheek and made her way to the elevator.

Notes:

*So, since Ashley and her sisters all took self-defense growing up, and John being Earthborn and growing up in a gang, I have this inkling that both of them would want their kids to also learn self-defense. I also figured, since John would have probably picked up some knowledge in mixed martial arts with street fighting during his time in a gang, on top of the hand to hand combat he would have learned in basic, then probably even more during N7 training, that he’d be perfect one to teach Alex and Kaidan some self-defense. I also put in my knowledge, as someone who does Brazilian Jiu-jitsu in real life/personal take downs I've witnessed or done myself, into this little story.

[omegastation]

in a mass effect movie, who would you cast in the main roles?

under a cut because it’s long 

f!shepard: zoe saldana

miranda lawson: yvonne strahovski

ashley williams: erica cerra

kaidan alenko: luciano costa (face model)

joker: seth green (his VA)

james vega: jamal kazak (face model)

jack: candice neil (face model)

david anderson: keith david williams (his VA)

steven hackett: lance henriksen (his VA)

jacob taylor: kenyon glover (face model)

zaeed massani: chris hubbard (face model)(also lmao do you guys remember how hard it was to find out who he was???)

samantha traynor: megha ramesh

steve cortez: boris kodjoe

illusive man: jon briddell (face claim)

karin chakwas: helen mirren

[twitchesandstitches]

twitchy mass effect squad thoughts: 3

please note that I’ve never played most of the DLC (save for the ones that get you Javik, and the extended cut ones), so I dunno what most of the DLC squadmates are like.

Javik: This guy’s kind of a dick. It’s tends to be obvious, but given my opinions on, say, Williams, I need to be clear that I’m not giving him a pass or anything. It’s actually interesting given that he is a major figure in my AUs, but the Javik of canon is coming from a VERY different place than Javik in my continuities. Like, he makes it clear he’s an asshole from the beginning; he’s vindictive, he boils with barely restrained implied threats, he’s imperious and condescending and makes it clear he is an imperialist who views everyone as beneath him. His character development is all about him coming to respect the people in the future (For him) as being worthy successors, linked to him no longer referring to others as primitives. He’s also genuinely hilarious once he start trolling others. But he’s mean to Legion, and to EDI, so FUCK ‘IM. (I kid, but I draw the line at being mean to the robo-friends.)

Javik works best when you play as Paragon Shepard, because then he becomes a contrast in even more of a way than Wrex; while Wrex was simply resigned, Javik is a quietly raging bastard of a man, out to make the reapers BURN no matter what it takes, and their interactions are very interesting for the conflict.

James Vega: OMG, a human character I kind of relate to, even though we literally have nothing in common? That I honestly really like?? I like him a lot, and while I get that he and Cortez are single in order for them to be shipped for male shepard players that want a gay romance, their dialogue... there is so much romantic tension, they genuinely talk to each other like they already ARE dating. In my canon, they’re in a relationship and have been in for a while. sometimes they double-date with Shepard and Garrus and things start exploding.

EDI: If Samara is in my top five, she’s in my top THREE. I absolutely am fine with her being THE fanservice gal and face of this series, as she is the personification of a lot of its themes for a paragon playthrough. And while she first appeared in 2, I’m grouping her here as we see much more of her personality shining through. She gets major points for being an AI that is a friend, and living proof to the in-universe argument that AIs will always attack their creators. (Hey, maybe if you stopped being SUCH MASSIVE DICKS TO YOUR CREATIONS ALL THE TIME, THEY WOULDN’T RISE UP. EVER THINK OF THAT, HUH.) She bounces off her love interest REALLY, REALLY well, and their dynamic is one of the sweetest things in the series. More than that, though, her slow development into appreciating human outlooks and valuing her existence as a thing unto itself, and learning to understand herself as a person, is just really touching.

As cool as her fembot body is, though, EDI’s true body is the Normandy for me. She’s just more interesting to me as a ship intelligence who can interact with humans through an approachable platform, rather than that being her ‘real’ body.