#gut feeling from the heart you can’t explain than like a philosophical choice? yeah i have heard that before’

[sammygender]

me when my dad is actually like weirdly supportive abt the trans thing (to an extent) and weirdly open to learning abt it and all it takes is… me directly communicating it! who the hell would have thunk

[funkymbtifiction]

Fi / Attachment Types

I just want to talk a little bit about being an ENFP and an attachment type (6). I was listening to the Big Hormone Podcast last night talk about attachment types and their struggle to decide anything, because there’s a “yes/no/maybe” internal reaction going on, and I have to say that’s true. It’s like simultaneously wanting to say yes, and be attached, and say no, and remain free of attachment. I’m not really sure how I feel most of the time, which makes my Fi kind of hazy.

Since I get asked this over and over (what is Fi? Am I an ENTP or an ENFP?), let’s talk about Fi. It’s a self-referencing system, where you go away from everyone else to decide how you feel about something and measure it against your inner self. It’s the need to live in accordance to your conscience, and it’s a thing inside you that tells you if this is okay, not okay, or “I don’t care.” With me, some things are automatic. I knew when I saw the trailer that I hated the Robert Downey Jr. version of Sherlock Holmes. I didn’t need to see the film, I just hated it. When I did see the film, Ne didn’t change my mind. I still hated it. I even got offended when my friends likened me to Irene Adler. I’m not sure if they meant temperament or vibes, but that annoyed me, to be “likened” to something I hate.

This reaction was instinctive and irreversible. It’s not rational; it’s a value judgment with me as the standing judge and jury: I. Hate. This. I have the same visceral reaction whenever I see a historical figure being maligned, because they can’t defend their reputation. I hate it. This is what Fi is like. It’s an unconscious NOPE that you cannot explain, that makes sense to nobody else, and that is immediate and abstract and you don’t know how to put it into words except NO. I won’t stand for this!!

(Including a gif, because I have a sense of humor about it now.)

This happens to me on and off, here and there. It’s not all the time, and I don’t let my inner responses override my intuition. In other words, I can give someone a fair trial in my mind (seeing their point of view) instead of dismissing them, even if I disapprove of their behavior. Superficial Fi judgments are immediate and fixed, if I can just see or hear something and respond to it… but when it comes to REAL emotions, everything is up in the air. They’re not a Yes/No. This whole argument about Dean being ISFJ or ISFP has sparked some stuff in my past, because I identify with Rory at times in terms of the “I don’t know what I want” aspect of her behavior. I’d never cheat on a boyfriend with someone else, but I’ve been in that place where I don’t know what I want, really, or if I want this friend in my life, and if not, how do I get out of it? I can’t even decide if I want to ask a friend to go somewhere this weekend with me, because I don’t know if I want to go to that place in the first place, or if I’m just being nostalgic. It has become this whole debate in my mind, because I don’t know how I feel, or if it matters, or if the drive would be worth it. And that is how I live my entire life. Of not being sure what I want most of the time or how I feel.

I know this can be incredibly annoying to other people, and that’s one reason I haven’t sought any close friendships in person for a long time, because I know I do the “yes/no/maybe” with them. They’re never quite sure how I feel about them or where I stand or if I’m in this friendship for the long haul or not. Because I’m a reliable person, I stick around, but there’s often giant question marks over my head about how I feel about them. Being a 6, I keep them at a slight distance while also needing them around. I wish I were a gut type, because then I’d just know by how people make me react to them if I like them or not, but instead, it all goes through my head. It sparks endless questions. I don’t listen to my heart because it doesn’t scream at me very loud. My brain is much louder.

Most of the time, I don’t know how I feel about something. I’m going through a slump right now and I’m not sure why, but nothing is holding my interest. I don’t want to do anything. And figuring out what the cause of this is hard, because Fi can’t tell me through the haze of being an attachment type. All I can do as a 6 is ask questions about it – over-think it, like usual. Does my loss of interest in this mean I am tired of it, doesn’t want to do it, or is this just a temporary slump and will I feel differently next week? Would I be happier if I dumped this? Is that what I want? I’m trying to figure out, from a logical place what my emotions are doing, which is impossible, because Fi isn’t rational, it’s subjective and based in the moment. Things happen, and it reacts. All I know today is, “I don’t care about this.” Being a responsible person, an attachment type, I will do it if it needs done anyway, because I am not a quitter. But a very large part of me wishes I could just be “irresponsible” (to my own mind) and slack off on everything. Just dump people and walk away. Just delete things when I’m bored with them. But I can’t, because Fi says “that isn’t who you are. That would make you feel miserable and unhappy, to be someone who just abandons things/people like that.”

So it’s a catch 22 most of the time. How do I feel? Does it matter? Should it factor into this? Am I just being sentimental here? Do I want this person in my life? Do I care about this hobby? Can I understand that point of view? What would I do in their shoes? Can I relate? It’s a life of never-ending questions, combined with a very real need to always be growing and moving forward and when I’m not feeling like that is happening, I get restless and frustrated. Determining Fi isn’t a case of “am I emotional or rational?” It’s very much a sense of, “Am I being the best possible person I can be, in order to live with and LIKE myself? Can I live with myself if I make this decision? Is this who I am?”

Sometimes you can’t, and that’s more difficult than you can imagine. Every place I have let myself down is like this huge, glaring sign of regret hanging up in my mind. You didn’t live up to yourself, you caused pain, you knew you couldn’t live with it and you did it anyway… Fi is about looking at the past, identifying what you did wrong in that situation (whatever makes you feel the worst or like you failed yourself), and then trying to use it as a guideline going forward. AKA, this made me feel like crap, so I never want to do it again. I’ll never just stand there and listen to someone insult my friend… I’ll never not defend what I think; next time I know I have to do something about this…

So I guess, just cut the attachment types in your life a break. They don’t always know what they want, and it’s as confusing and annoying for them as it is for you if you’re not one. And don’t vilify Fi as being selfish or idolize it as being more moral than Fe, because it isn’t. It’s subjective, abstract, hard to understand even for the Fi user (hence the needing to go away and think deeply about how this is making you feel in order to figure it out), and doesn’t make any sense half the time, because it’s just based on “yeah, nope, and I don’t care.”

One time a friend found out I’m not close to my sisters and said she was sorry, because she loves her sisters. I honestly said, “I don’t care.” I didn’t. I don’t. I don’t know them, so why would I care about not being close to them? But that surprised her, and in turn, it made me ask Ne/Fi-related questions: is a lack of caring an implication that I should care? Am I missing out on something? I can’t force myself to care, can I? Should I try to care? Why??

Fi isn’t “do I make emotional choices,” it’s “Do I care and is this me?” and it’s continuous, a sort of “self-focused” determination in all things, through all questions, to find out Who I Truly Am. And it’s much easier for IFPs to do this than EFPs, because IFPs ask this all the time, instantly. EFPs think, well, I need to either find out who I am through direct action and experiences (do things and react to them - Se) or through intellectual debate (ask myself philosophical questions and react to them - Ne). ENFPs have an extremely difficult time self-typing because they are so “heady” in terms of Ne that they often don’t realize how many of their choices are determined subjectively according to their internal reactions. It’s not a logical Ti process in terms of “how does this work,” it’s more about “how do I work?” Who am I??

I should also add that being a 6, I don’t take on too many hobbies or interests that I take seriously, because the double-thinking that Ne and 6-9 do together is emotionally exhausting. I don’t have the mental energy to double-think 900 things, so it’s easier for me just to say no to things that I know automatically will be an energy suck. This is problematic in the long run, however, because without a variety of interests and new information, Ne gets bored. So I need to keep my Ne fed with enough new information and hobbies that it’s satisfied in thinking about things, without introducing the need to make “decisions” with that information, which would cause me to over-think and stall out.

[ohsweetflips]

Oh FUCK what kind of choice?????? Kravitz is like. The Most Intriguing to me like??? Ok id so b down for a spin off of taako & lup pre-IPRE and pre-starblaster!!!! But!!!!! Who Was Kravitz? Thanks

!!!

okay so for kravitz, i always pictured him as a musician (and occasionally a composer) who aspired to be a conductor, you know? basically already 50% canonical, just griffin never said anything about what kravitz was before being a conductor. and, with that, my headcanon was always, “okay, kravitz fell ill and died and just managed to charm his way into the raven queen’s court (and heart as her honorary son essentially askdklfkj)”

but, also, i’m quite fond of the headcanons i’ve seen that were either like, “kravitz died in a necromantic ritual which is why the raven queen gave him a second shot at life” or, “kravitz was actually a necromancer in his life and did the bounty hunting as a type of punishment but ended up digging it”

and then i was like, “okay but what if there’s a middle ground”

and thus, i thought of, “kravitz tried to pursue eternal life but never actually committed any necromantic crimes”

which i will embellish more here:

(disclaimer: as always, i am not trying to force my headcanons onto anyone, i’m just here having fun and being a bit self indulgent)

so, as stated, my headcanon for kravitz is that, while he wanted to be a conductor, he was also an incredibly skilled musician and was working on composing some pieces

and, my dudes? he was fucking great. i personally see him basically having expertise at the cello, and also dabbling in the bass and viola, and he was on his way to becoming incredibly renowned.

and so, partially based on some of my own fears/thoughts and partially to mirror johann, kravitz starts getting a bit... nervous about the overall fatality of life. i personally headcanon that he was more of a sickly child that grew into a somewhat-healthier-but-still-sorta-sickly adult who, besides having a general fear of dying, was also nervous about the fact that, one day, all that will be left of him is what people remember of his talents, and maybe the pieces he composed if they ever get that far. and he- he wants to be... if not remembered, then at least alive.

and- i think kravitz knows that necromancy is some shady stuff. i think he knows that a lot of people can get hurt when necromancy is in play, and i don’t think he would ever want to hurt anyone. at the end of the day, he’s a really nice, charming, talented guy who just... doesn’t want to be gone one day.

and i also think, as a bard, even if he can do some magic, he’s not like a wizard or a sorcerer. if he even considered liches, i think he would know that he wouldn’t be able to maintain himself.

so, he tries something different: the elixir of life (which, ironically, is sometimes known as the philosopher’s stone)

(also, little sidebar here, the reason i chose this route is bc people trying to find eternal life through psuedo-magic and possibly dangerous means is, like, my favorite thing ever)

so kravitz does extensive research. he reads articles, books, tomes, all for days, weeks, and even some months. he reads everything he can about the elixir, even if it’s just a vague recording of someone having it in their possession.

and he never finds an exact location of a vial but, in a tome that is at least a century older than him, he finds it: a recipe.

and kravitz is a smart guy. he knows that recipes in general need to be exact, and magical recipes even more so. but he’s nervous, and he’s thinking too much about life, and perhaps he can feel himself coming down with something that wracks his lungs with dry coughs all throughout the night, so he tries his hand at it. he goes miles, hours, out of his way to find apothecaries that carry all the ingredients. he spends days and nights brewing and constantly restarting, doing his best to make sure that every measurement is perfect and that everything is boiling just at the right temperature.

and then, finally, a day comes where he’s confident. the elixir looks just like how the recipe said it would, and it’s glowing, and it looks perfect.

so, kravitz drinks.

and, immediately, he can tell something is wrong.

see, my personal headcanon with the fabled elixir of life is that, if even one thing is slightly off, the potion crumbles and, instead of being something potent and powerful and eternal, it just becomes a vial full of some of the most dangerous magical ingredients all put together.

and kravitz doesn’t have time to think about what went wrong- his last thought is that this was all a mistake, and then-

and then he wakes up. and, for just a moment, he thinks that perhaps it was all a bad dream, or perhaps he actually survived, and then he notices the bleak, grey hall around him. the only splashes of color are the deep red, velvet curtains framing the windows, and the same colored cushions on the occasional chair or bench.

and then he looks up.

and, on the throne down that hall, he sees a beautiful woman. i personally see the raven queen as very live action morticia addams-esque, but you picture whatever floats your boat.

anyway, he sees this woman sitting there, and her features are sharp and, if kravitz squints, it looks like her hands are even more... clawed? taloned?

and she just says, “well, isn’t this interesting.”

and so, this woman, who kravitz quickly learns is the raven queen (aka the goddess of life and death, which, like, oh shit), explains to him the situation: he is dead, but cannot enter the sea of souls due to something blocking him from entering, but yet there is no record saying that he needs to be locked up in the eternal stockade because... technically he didn’t commit a death crime. the elixir didn’t work. if it did, and in seventy years, kravitz was still thirty-two and young and handsome, then there would be an issue. but, at worst, the most kravitz could be tried for was conspiring to defy the natural laws of life and death.

“i honestly should just put you in the eternal stockade for conspiring to never come to the astral plane,” the raven queen says. “souls who conspire to leave the astral plane get thrown in there, after all.”

“wait-” and kravitz swallows the panic bubbling in his gut “-what if i can help you?”

and kravitz doesn’t even know what he’s saying. he’s been a bard his whole life, he’s not a fighter. perhaps he could patrol the stockade and stay on this goddess’s good side, but-

but the raven queen gives him an option. either he stays in the stockade for a little while until he’s proven that he can behave, and then he goes to the sea of souls-

or he becomes her bounty hunter. for millenia, she’s been the one handling all the death crimes... but the thought of kravitz helping her out is quite tempting.

and, for a second, kravitz is torn. either way, he’s dead. if he returns to the sea of souls, then that’s it. if he’s a bounty hunter, then he can still visit the mortal realm and still be kravitz, he just can’t... do what he used to.

but, essentially, it’s a second chance.

so, he takes it. and then the raven queen gives him a skeletal form, and reveals her true form (it’s terrifying and bird-like and yet kravitz can’t help but be fascinated). and then she arms him with a scythe and sends him to the stockade- not as a prisoner, but as a tenant.

and, surprisingly quickly, kravitz grows to... love his job. he thinks the raven queen is wonderful, he was able to bring his instruments to the astral plane, and, even though things occasionally get very rough and the idea of being actually dead really catches up to him, being an overseer of the natural orders of life and death is, at the very least, interesting.

(and then this also leads into my favorite personal headcanon that kravitz is, like, a demi-god and essentially the heir to the raven queen)

so, yeah!!! that’s my how-kravitz-came-to-be-the-grim-reaper headcanon!!!