#guilty about resenting him bc he's really the only family he has

[kishimotomasashi]

Biggest proof that Sasuke is ultimately my favourite Naruto character and nothing will change this is that whichever new character fixation phase I happen to go through, I have to magic up a relationship between Sasuke and said character in some way.

[atimesfeeler]

I like to think that in his universe, Logan was attracted to Jean first (we stand a bi king) and then he really liked how Scott reacted and pushed the whole thing just to get a reaction out of him. And bc he liked the thrill of fighting with Scott (he doesn’t realize it at first of course, but he’s like a little kid yanking on pig tails at recess) and then Jean dies and it’s not fun anymore. And Scott is grieving HARD and Logan is the only one who can relate to Scott so they get closer and closer. It’s still fights but it’s also holding Scott while he cries or sleeping next to him bc Scott hasn’t slept alone since a teenager (but not ever really allowing himself to fall asleep just in case he hurts Scott) and they kiss, and it means something. But Scott isn’t ready. He feels guilty. He’s grieving. So Logan waits. He can be patient.

But then Jean comes back and the first thing she does is try to kill Scott with a kiss. Thank god Logan followed him out to the woods and realized something was off before Jean could disintegrate him. Logan is a little less faithful in Jean returning to herself and more resentful of her trying to kill Scott because he’s so devoted to her and he loves her in a way Logan feels he’ll never be loved and she tried to kill him. He knows what it’s like to be a monster and hurt the ones you love, but he keeps Scott close just in case. And Jean does try to do the same thing to Logan but it’s wrong it feels wrong and this isn’t what he wanted.

Charles, Logan, and Scott manage to get through to her and she doesn’t die. Logan doesn’t have to kill her like the og Logan does. In fact, everything goes back to ‘normal’. Jean gets her powers under control and Scott and Jean get back together, leaving Logan in this awkward middle. He used to love Jean and he still does, just, not as much as he grew to love Scott. He almost loves Jean because Scott loves her so much, sees her as this goddess, his savior. And Jean is happy to add Logan to their relationship, but he’s definitely their honorary third and it’s not a healthy poly relationship. They love Logan in the dark but they don’t treat him like they are all a couple. Scott and Jean will go on dates and come back and invite Logan to their bed and he’ll take what he can get. He tells himself it’s fun and it is, and he’s a good f*ck and he’s sure that’s what they see him as. It’s fine.

But sometimes it gets to him. So he goes out drinking a lot. Scott proposes to Jean and Logan’s heart breaks. He leaves bc there’s nothing there for him. He can’t keep doing this. He comes back sometimes to do missions when they need his help, but as the wedding approaches, Logan comes back less and less. They call for him for missions and Logan doesn’t show. He feels… used. He feels more alone than ever and he wants to go back, to his friends, his family, but he can’t see Jean and Scott so happy without him. After all, they flirt with the bad boy but don’t take him home.

And one night Logan is drinking his life away and Scott calls and it’s urgent and they need help. Logan lets it go to voicemail. He passes out drunk and doesn’t realize the mansion was attacked until he sees it on the news the next morning and by then, he’s too late.

They are all dead when he gets there. People are all around the mansion, news reporters, scientists, police. Logan shoves through them all. Someone killed them. Killed them all on their sleep. Stryker maybe. Logan cradles his friends in his arms and something in him snaps . Maybe someone handles the bodies too callously and Logan severs their hands from their body screaming “Don’t TOUCH them!” And then it’s over. It’s a blood bath. The news crew reports what Logan has done before he kills them too, hating that it’s just a spectacle to them, a big scoop, something to watch on TV.

People try to hunt him down after that. It doesn’t work. The world hates Logan and what he did. The schools slaughter is buried by Logan’s horrific reaction and people hate mutants. He really does turn the whole world on mutants and the X-Men and sure, he had reasons but he will never forgive himself for them.

Anywho I have a fic where I talk about Scott and Logan’s relationship:

[rubydubydoo122]

What would be things the batkids would have grievances with Alfred over? It's always about Bruce but the world doesn't revolve around him only, so let's look at another guardian/grandfatherly figure.

I feel like they all would be upset with Alfred for letting Bruce get away with most of the shit he does to them. Like how Alfred's supposed to be the one holding Bruce accountable, but he doesn't. And here's the list from least angry at Alfred to most angry at Alfred

Damian. I don't think Damian realizes how much of Bruce's behavior stems from Alfred being a pushover, and he worships both of them too much to actually see it.

Dick. In those early days, Alfred was the one there for him in a house that was too big, too still, and too empty. He probably started getting angry at Alfred during his early 20s, but then it was just Dick, Damian, and Alfred, and Dick kind of became Bruce, so he had times where he resented him, but he "grew out" of it

Jason. And I think he's only the tiniest bit behind Dick because he's almost pretty much in the same boat. Alfred was the only person there in a house that was too big, and when everything was too much, and compared to this Billionaire, Alfred seemed human to Jason. He probably took comfort in Alfred before he took comfort in Bruce. And then Alfred was the one who suggested Jason should quit Robin. And, maybe for a hot second there, (and I mean, a singular passing thought then never again) he blamed Alfred for his death, but Jason also has a plethora of parental issues, so he wouldn't blame Alfred. And this is assuming Jason is completely unaware of the way Alfred low key Shat on Jason's grave so that Bruce would feel less guilty, or whatever.

Then there's Cass. She's just way too good at reading people to not see the way Alfred's pushover tendencies are effecting the 'family' negatively. She wants to yell at Alfred to "Put his foot down." But she knows he won't, so she doesn't. And In a sense, she might just be the same as Alfred.

Then there's a gap, and Duke. He didn't really know Alfred for that long, if you really think about it. Maybe a year, tops? And the reason he's smack dab in the middle is because sometimes, Bruce will do something and Duke will be like "That... is kinda messed up. Who raised you?" and then he'll take it back bc he'll realize he's speaking ill of the dead.

Tim. I hate woobifying him, but Idk, Alfred was the one who gave Tim Robin. Alfred was the one who gave Damian Robin, and I feel like, Tim, Looking back would think "What the actual fuck. What I was doing as a teenager should've been Alfred's job as Bruce's Guardian" Maybe not currently, but after some time. Maybe when he's in his 20s or has his own kids or something.

Stephanie Brown. She's the Family Friend. She has a slightly outside perspective to all of this, and she's great at puzzles. She Died for Bruce's cause and that didn't stop ANYTHING. She's constantly listening to when any of the batclan members are ranting about Bruce, and his poor coping skills and realizes that it's all just a fucking cycle and it started from Alfred. Alfred was confused on the line of professional and parent and Parented Bruce by being a Butler. Which wasn't what Bruce needed at an 8/9/10 year old who just lost his parents. And that's why Bruce doesn't know how to Parent any of his children without making them some form of a hero. Because Bruce grew up with a boundary of professionalism separating him from any real parenting, and he needs that boundary while parenting his kids. Obviously Bruce has his moments, but those are probably from when he had REAL parents.

Steph tried explaining it to Duke once, and he understood PERFECTLY, but then Duke said not to repeat this to anyone else because they worship the ground Alfred walks on.

[horizon-verizon]

hello, i read this www.tumblr.com/universallyexpertfan/753881321066168320/firstlet-me-be-clear-daemon-is-loyal-to-rhaenyra?source=share The op made interesting takes, but I doubt the court would corrupt Rhaenyra and Daemon's children so easily. I mean, they are good kids but at the same time paranoia is real, power corrupts people, and certainly it would be a bigger mess (a civil war between rhaenyra's children) more horrible given that she,in opposite of viserys, did not have favorites (although i think she had) what do u think?

Excerpt that Matters:

Important note :Rhaenyra and daemon are clearly better parents than viserys and Alicent. The children all love each other and team black is clearly a very big and happy family. But then Viserys doted upon Rhaenyra so much yet when Alicent birthed two sons she was worried sick that she will be replaced as an heir. So it's totally possible that jace and luke felt that same fear and anxiety when they saw Aegon iii with his valyrian features. The siblings relationship between team green children is eternally cracked and one of the biggest contributor to that was the court of kings landing. I am a team black person all the way but i have to say that the reason why team black kids are so close to each other is because they are in dragonstone. They have no idea about the viper's nest that is king's landing even without the greens. The court has always been ruthless. [...] Jace is a very patient person but power brings a lot of paranoia with it. Jace loves his little brothers with all his heart but the constant murmur of the people around would eventually give birth to resentment or at least some self hatred. Meanwhile Aegon iii would grow and the snakes of kings landing would obviously try to get into his head and tell him that he is the firstborn son of Daemon and he's not a Bastard unlike his brothers. A child will reflect the environment that they grew up in. And even if aegon iii could not be persuaded i know Viserys ii could be. And i know that because book Viserys ii was a political menace who cared about only 2 things the targaryan bloodline and his brother.

Viserys' Character =/= Rhaenyra's Character

But then Viserys doted upon Rhaenyra so much yet when Alicent birthed two sons she was worried sick that she will be replaced as an heir.

I have a lot of posts on Viserys' characterization, bk or show. Here's a list:

LINK -- "What Viserys really did was to try to maintain a balance between his wife & his daughter, because he just inherently hated conflicts, had already married Alicent (so he didn't know she'd be so persistent), loved her AND Rhaenyra was his miracle child from the woman he probably feels very guilty about." -- Viserys was very focused on making sure that as many different people with different interests in him at different times were satisfied with how he ran things, which is why he often putting down Rhaenyra and Daemon's more norm-divergent ideas and behavior. Rhaenyra is decidely not like Viserys, she does not and will not compel her children to follow contradictory and fruitless orders or arrangements. She's more the type, bk or show, to try to listen to her kids' protests and reason through it. You might think Viserys was the same in Rhaenyra's youth in the show....no, the man decided to marry Alicent knowing Rhaenyra would have...words and didn't want to deal with that. He had options, do something like the Maiden's Day Ball but with more class. There is him breaking the deal or reneging on the deal with her about dismissing Otto for her to "happily" marry Laenor instead of trying to push for her marriage to be delayed--he brought Otto back. Which decidely endangers Rhaenyra's place at court bc now Otto is in close proximity to plot better. Of which Viserys knows but he also refuses to really confront that Otto and maybe others would go against his wishes if they had the chance. He in general hopes that others will play the game exactly as he would.

While it may seem that bk!Rhaenyra was like Viserys in that she also relies on her position or she seemed as ineffectual as Viserys in the Rosby-Stokeworth, etc. that was an actual precarious political situation unlike Viserys who again had options in a few of his own decisions, that is more to advocate for herself in a situation where not much else aside from her dragon does. She is also not desperate for others approval as Viserys was, not so. So she will not ignore those closest to her or force them into compromising positions--Viserys was not paranoid, he was just careless; her paranoia (which may or may not have even been as bad as it is told by maesters and different anecdotes to be) stemmed from actual events at least of betrayal as well as the justified fear of losing her mainly male supporters clashing.

The Kids' Upbringing/Characters

I am a team black person all the way but i have to say that the reason why team black kids are so close to each other is because they are in dragonstone.

That's a whole lot of assumption there. One, that even other siblings who don't grow up together absolutely 100% of the time willi backstab each other or suspect the other.

As for all the problems about the siblings turning on each other bc of pressures, kinslaying is so taboo it's not even funny. Maegor's shadows lingers...Rhaenyra already (assuming she is successfully Queen before any of her kids are monarchs) had to contend with that particular accusation without actually having kinslayed bc she was a woman, but now we're dealing with boys and there is no sign of proof that any of Rhaenrya's supporters cared abt her kids maybe being bastards. None. Don't forget, Cregan Stark and Jeyne Arryn, why they themselves decided to support Rhaentya AND her heirs...I doubt that Cregan or his direct children (unless something situationally coincidental happens) would prevent them from supporting Jace...esp if you believe the Pact of Ice and Fire existed b/t them, forever locking them and their kids in oaths that Starks apparently don't tend to break. "What if we get a Stark who doesn't care or is held back?" Again, this ignores that Rhaenyra had many more allies than just the Starks and Jace was her defacto heir...like Joffrey, she would have also made it so to make him her heir apparent de jure. Not to mention Jace married Baela, Luke married Rhaena (in this hypothetical). Luke would be Lord of the biggest naval force there is while beign brother to Jace; both their wives are granddaughters of a dragonrider (assuming Rhaenys is alive) who's not sitting idle if her grandkids are getting attacked. Even if it was just Baela, not sitting out. Baela and Rhaena both would also be dragonriders...if Aegon and Viserys both foolishly decided that they were now wanting to become kings, they are vastly outpowered.

Even if Aegon and Viserys were or grew up to be inclined to rebel or try to take their brother's seat...who exactly is trying to turn them against him and how much influence do they really have or how jealous & emotionally distant do these two boys have to become for them to be willing? Why and how did they become so influenced as Daemon Blackfyre, who unlike them, lived in a household of misery and emotional distance bc the father wanted to overindulge himself at the expense of those around him AND his mother was forced to live in the shadows and lose her birthright to a religious zealot of a brother. Brynden's generation comes from competeing women and their families' interests--Aegon IV's mistresses, that is. The Brackens and Blackwoods were already long-born enemies! There was absolutely no unity in this generation, unless we speak of the BryndenxShiera-Daeron II untis? Still, divided and comparatively to greens vs blacks...which we all know what heppened there.

It's such an assumption made from the belief that people grow to want power just for the sake of it more times than to find validation. it take s for granted the perceived norm of step relations and bastardry. We need a journey/explanation of character development to really prove why Aegon and Viserys would turn with how they grew up so differently from other noble children and esp in relation to their older stepbrother/half brothers who I don't believe for a min that they thought of as such but just "brothers". Very Valyrian, tbh. Like rhaenin-time says here:

In Valyria, "step" anything didn't have the same sort of value as Andal-FM step-relations.

Jace grew up both with much more people backing him up AND he, Luke, Joffrey are growing/were growing with stronger sense of self bc they were growing up in that sort of alternative space in their formative years. As I say below, Viserys (II) either needed more time to cook, he grew up with a suppressed fear of chaos that motivated him towards the "easier" path and because most of his life he had to essentially clean up his family's messes as their second, AND

i know Viserys ii could be.

Viserys had a whole different life from his other brothers--he was literally kidnapped and forced to grow up in a foreign land, as safe as he technically was. He lost most of the family and a chance of a dragon bond--he is more dissociated from Rhaenyra than any of his siblings, which is why he's the more adamant about maintaining the succession practice and family line arrangements that coincide with the lay of Andal customs--so another succession crisis doesn't erupt. We can't make as his he is a good example at all to evaluate the others who lived longer and had a stronger impression of Rhaenyra's influence and authority than he did. Given more time, we also don't know if Viserys would have been more amenable to an alternative succession plan for himself...

This all speaks to a reduction of Rhaenyra's/a ruling mother's influence over her own kids, tbh. Fact is, we'll simply not ever know.

Even if she did have a "favorite", how she'd handle her kids while having one is not likely going to be the same as how Viserys did.

It's kinda like the Queen Elizabeth I vs her son Charles and how they dealt with family intrigue or public faces and how we see a clear difference there. Under a more family-conscious/prioritized woman, the royla family didn't really go through terrible public crises and yes there are some secrets that deserve some digging up....with Charles, it's every fucking month.

And I'm talking about critically healthier dynastic, internal unity that comes from a good parent being firm but fostering strong bonds between the kids no matter the environment bc they themselves or more or less adjusted, adaptable, and have a strong enough will to establish boundaries wherever their family goes.

So honestly, it bleeds a lack of faith in this unique family. Is the possibility 0% there won't be some sort of trouble, sure. When in life is there ever a perfect 0% or a perfect 100%? But also we can and often do make good guesses on probability through our observation and rely on said material evidence that we use to make our conclusions that we base our decisions on. These characters are capable of the same as well as a change of values but we need to ties those changes and developments to actual specific events that build up on each other for them to turn out the way they do when the evidence before suggested that such a thing was unlikely.

So the other problem I see there is that the person is making a lesser possibility into an unavoidable or very likely probability without giving much evidence and relying on assumptions based on traditional observations from conventional family patterns that this family simply deviates from in many ways. Therefore, again, you need material evidence that Aegon Viserys = Daemon Blackfyre or this "bastard" situation is the exact same as all the others apart from your own assumptions. It all seems overly cautious, nonanalytical, too avoidant-focused--ironically is what Viserys I did. You gotta pursue the implications of the difference sometimes further than the environment. We are not all our environment and we aren't always so affected by it as to go wherever others wish for us to go.

And I partially blame HotD, bc they really made it so that we can't even speculate much abt the boys' parentage as much as we could book-wise since Rhaenys was dark haired from her Baratheon mother and some Targs even before Rhaenyra's generation came out with nontypical Targ features: Alysanne and Alyssa. And we don't get to see how people out of the court saw things. I'm talking about the impression on the audience made through scenes HotD could have built to establish to contextualize and make stakes for how the greens v the blacks interacted and competed in court and out for political dominance before the actual war. Who favors who and why?

[spritehouse]

cw: talk of religion (catholicism + christianity) in a positive/neutral way, some religious guilt, mentioned homophobia & religion-based homophobia

i mentioned luke alvez probably being religious/raised religious or at least have childhood ties to catholicism/christianity and i have so many thoughts

so luke grew up in the bronx, which has the highest concentration of catholics (38% of the population) of new yorks borough, most of which (i believe 30% of the population) are hispanic catholics. also, if luke is around the same age as his actor, this sets his childhood around the 80s i think idk how years work

also, i know i said catholicism but (based on my understanding) roman catholics believe in being above other forms of christianity(?) (please let me know if this is wrong, i just looked it up and im not trying to make any religion look bad), and i think, above all else, luke's parents raised him on the belief that everyone is equal, so. Yeah.

anyways, there's a good chance he was raised religious or, at the very least, religion was undoubtedly a part of his life in one way or another

(self-projection headcanon segment now)

so i think it would be neat if luke kinda strayed from religion a little in high school/college bc. yk. being a teenager/young adult is just trying to figure out what The Fuck is going on.

sure, he'll pray sometimes, go to church with his mom, thank God for things, but he's also young and at least a little mad at life, especially while bad things keep happening to him until that becomes resentment toward God

and then he joins the army, and he'll still pray when something Big is going to happen or send his thoughts to someone's family, but it's half-hearted—something he was taught that's ingrained in him rather than something he chose—and continues like that when he's in FTF, too busy to really think about it

it doesn't come up until he's in the bau after he hears spencer's in jail in Mexico, and he's in the bathroom and can't breathe, praying to a God he isn't sure exists to make everything okay

and after spencer gets out, scratch, all that, he has six weeks to reflect on where he stands and what he believes, feeling guilty about only returning to God when he's desperate

he talks about it with spencer, too—prison made luke realize he doesn't want to waste any more time—and even though he's not religious, he never makes luke feel bad or wrong about any of it

spencer talks about his experience with religion and the things he can't explain, like dying in the cabin. he doesn't believe in a God/gods, but he doesn't think people who do are wrong or have misplaced beliefs

he's still weary about everything, but he feels better after talking about it so much with spencer, though that poses another problem

luke has never really bothered to label himself, but he knows the correlation between religion and homophobia, and that scares him just as much as everything else

yes, his parents taught him everyone is equal, but what if that doesn't apply to him, their only son? what if they reject him? what if they tell him that the God he spent so long feeling guilty for abandoning doesn't love him anymore?

at some point, it comes up, and his parents meet spencer and absolutely adore him and they have a Deep Talk and there's Tears because im a sucker for healthy communication between parents and children where luke's parents just tell him they love him so much and aaaaaaaaaaaaa

also: luke and derek bonding over Religion Things. i put all of my three braincells into typing this whole thing, bear with me.

[colgatebluemintygel]

The thoughts about their experiences with family and grief hurt on many levels. R sees that s has parents who are rich and still alive and probably feels a bit jealious and cant understand how s seems to resent it. S is self aware enough to know that outwards his family seems ideal and struggles with how he could let people know how things actually are (maybe even afraid that they wont believe him). As seen in OAO he feels that he takes up too much space and r's mom has just died so he feels guilty ab burdening him with this and r will later feel guilty ab his anger/not understanding the situation. I am shaking. I want to hug them both. (Also yes, I believe that s really craved even a smallest hint that his parents cared. He couldnt live with them but leaving didnt really make it easier bc he understood that he lost all hope of having his birth parents love.)

yes yes yes !!!! absolutely!

the difference in class and privilege absolutely factored into it as well (as mentioned in oao, remus was one of the only kids at that school not from an affluent background, and it was definitely alienating for him, especially as two of his best friends grew up amongst immeasurable wealth (i picture peter's family to be more upper middle class than upper class like s and j, but it's still different to remus's background). definitely every now and again sirius would say really out of pocket things relating to how his parents treated him, but i think once he noticed his friends reactions, he'd also immediately backtrack and try to play it off as a joke. so for the others it was tricky to get a handle of the severity of the situation, and what was true and what wasn't. i think early on, some of the other boys (i'm thinking frank etc) would have made little jokes about sirius and his rich boy problems (ie: i imagine sirius would always be sad on his birthday—he'd receive these expensive presents, but they were never be meant FOR him; they were status symbols. and they just served as a reminder that his parents don't see him for who he is, and they don't love him for who he is -> cue meltdown. and i imagine remus would be looking in on this kinda like ??? perhaps internally thinking that sirius is being a little bit ungrateful (again, gift giving has a totally different meaning in remus's family). he'd NEVER say that out loud (well. aside from their big blow out argument), but in his head he'd be like.... rich boys.......) (while also being like :-(( my poor pretty padfoot :-(( and fantasising about kissing the tears from sirius's cheeks xx (all this conflict chat makes me want 2 reiterate !! remus ADORES him. like so SO much. this whole situation was such a change from their usual dynamic, it really threw everyone for a loop))

and YES and as you say: sirius's mouth works faster than his mind a lot of the time, and he would make comments maybe about wishing his parents harm, and it absolutely sent remus reeling. their main fight occurred over something incredibly minor (it was months and months of emotional build-up on both ends), but each of these little comments were a blow to remus </3 and of course sirius was never ever trying to cause harm. he had no real way of knowing what was happening with hope, because from the outside it just looked like something had happened to remus, who was now suddenly super reserved with himself and his body and seemed to be totally caught up in self-loathing. and i think sirius resonated a lot with that (even if he was expressing it all in a completely different way).

but yes... the idea that s takes up too much space. it's sort of all he's ever known. he was never taught how to emotionally regulate himself; he was always just punished. and that link between his emotions and punishment is so embedded in his psyche that even if his birth parents aren't around anymore to punish him for his emotions, he does it himself.

SOBS poor poor babs :-((((

[lingerxng]

1 6 18 23 for rowan, 3 15 20 34 for amruta plsplspls

putting this under a cut bc these are so many questions whee yippee

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

oh, i think a very long time. i bet rowan does yoga and is into meditation and all that. he can get very zen.

6. Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

depends on the law. ones that are there for moral reasons-- assault, abuse, etc-- are obviously immovable. like. don't do that. but ones that exist because of human-implemented power structures, like loitering and shit? BOOOOOOOO. fuck outta here with that shit.

18. What embarrasses them?

Rowan Swift Has No Shame.

23. How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? 

oohhhhhhh this is a good one. hm. i... i think he does the internalizing thing. i think rowan spent a long time like. obviously not loving himself. man is on several different medications to manage depression, anxiety, etc. so like... like, when he first found out that dom was married, he had a Minute of "oh. of course. makes sense that i'm a side piece. that's what i am, that's what i'm worth" horseshit before dom straightened him out. he definitely spent that time backing away, closing off, etc. it's maybe not as ugly as other forms of jealousy, but it's certainly not good. he's gotten better with therapy and shit, but.

-------

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

staring at this like "do people sing themselves to sleep" no amruta is definitely a reader. she looooooves novels of all kinds. has a stack next to her bed.

15. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

it has never occurred to amruta to rehearse anything she has said, ever. outside of like, idk. formal events? things where she knew she would be giving a speech? even when she's like, going out of her way to contact daud or slackjaw or the outsider she's always winging it. she knows the complaint (usually) she wants to bring forward, but that's about it.

20. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

babe i am an aroace in a queer platonic relationship i personally cannot explain the difference (because for me there really ISN'T a difference) don't ask me to make my character do it

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? 

i think amruta personally does very little that she has to feel guilty for. the only time in recent memory that she would was throwing maudlin into the tower completely unprepared with no plan. but i also think she's very... what's the word i want to use. she sees a problem, she goes "okay, here's how we'll deal with this situation", and then later she has all the feelings about it. like, if someone mugged her, she'd deal with it very calmly and effortlessly, and then when she got home she'd go JESUS CHRIST.

[teenaan]

actually so strange how i feel about my pop dying my nan died last year but she had been battling dementia for years but i wasn’t told she had it til 6 months after she was diagnosed because my dad is hopeless .. i’m seeing my dad for the first time in nearly 3 years tomorrow (i saw him at my nans funeral in october last year but i didn’t sit in his row and at her wake we only had one conversation) and i don’t know how to feel thoughts idk… like i hate my dad i resent him i don’t even call him dad i just can’t forgive him for how he’s treated me but i thought my nan dying would at least bring us together but it didn’t.. i hope my pop can i just don’t have the time or energy to carry the relationship all by myself i try to call him and i text him most days but he acts like it’s a chore he has to do not something he wants to. he moved to the other side of the country and didn’t tell me til 3 days later he just frustrates me i’ve always been kind i rarely hassle him for money even though he’s so well off i just don’t think i can ever be enough and so many people think it’s because i’m gay but he isn’t homophobic his oldest sister is a lesbian and everyone’s been so supportive of her i think it’s just because he had other kids that loved sports. i played rugby for 6 years to try and have a relationship with him and he came to 2 of my games the entire time i played that was when i first realised at around 7 years old i wasn’t a priority in his life he had a new wife and new kids i was just thrown aside.

i just really want to be enough for him one day i’ve alway acted like it doesn’t affect me but it really does my mum was as supportive as a teen mother with substance issues could be (bless her heart but she struggled) but also she definitely has some mental health issues from her own childhood that i think have just been the next victim of the cycle of abuse and neglect . i just don’t know anymore life hurts too much and i try to find the beauty in it but i can’t spend all my time at the beach getting high and drunk i have to work at this stupid fucking dead end job and the worst part is all my issues are my fault i dropped out of school i got a credit card but i didn’t have a single responsible role model growing up my mum a substance abuser, my nan also a substance abuser, my grandfather a substance abuser, my dad absent and a gambler, my nan who passed was a major drunk and she loved gambling and same with my pop i just want to do something with my life i want to escape the cycle i want to move from this fucking place my entire family has lived here it’s full of drunks and junkies i can’t do this i need to be somewhere where i feel free to explore and live my life and have opportunities but no the best i can have here is a dodgy apprenticeship or a fast food job…

i don’t even know what i want anymore i want happiness but it seems so unobtainable i live in a house surrounded by manipulative people who have just belittled me i want to leave my family but there’s no way i can afford it ever unless i have a stable job which is so hard to do . everyone i know is in university and i’m not doing anything i just want to get my life together but everything i do i just fail . i really truly think that is my destiny to just fail everything i do and life with my family forever . it’s selfish but i thought what if i get left some money when my nan died and i had that same thought earlier today after ruminating on my thoughts about my pop i could maybe do something with my life move somewhere experience life and not be a shut in is that sociopathic i don’t know i don’t feel guilty about it i don’t know how to healthily greave i’m so drunk writing this bc i’ve been trying to drink away my feelings sorry guys this is so long damn.

and i keep remembering when people would tell me stuff like i can’t see you in a relationship that really fucked me up there was 2 other gay guys in my high school and i was the only one who was fully publicly out and i felt like there was no teen love for me i still haven’t really had one all my failed talking stages and situationships feel so one sided it makes me feel unlovable the only time i get attention from men is when they want sex and i’m so over it

sex isn’t even good i hate it. it makes me feel so fucking sick 90% of the time but that’s probably unresolved childhood trauma tbhhh

i’ve really been wanting these prada sunglasses but they r so expensive but my mum wants them too so i think we could share

i have always been really insecure about my family and our finances we’ve been homeless before and my mum and i lived in a rehab and a trailer park so i really get anxious when it comes to money in either too irresponsible and reckless or i stress about it to the point i have a panic attack it’s so fucking embarrassing when i’m out with people who have never had to worry about their housing or food or even christmas they always had stable lives. but recently we built a house that we can barely afford the bills just pile up and i can’t help because of my new job it’s so horrific the wages the can pay you.. but due to my new house people always go around calling me rich when they have lived in the house their parents have owned their entire life i have moved 15 times i am 18 i have moved schools many times it made my life so unstable i never had friends and i was so severely bullied for being gay that i developed bulimia at first it was so i could leave school early from how bad people treated me then i started getting comments about my weight and it’s really fucked me up for my entire life and it eventually turned into binge eating issues making me feel like the fucking whale and now i’m on a hunger suppressant because of how shit and horrible i feel i’ve tried working out and eating healthy and it helps but i barely lose weight

tldr: i hate my life

this is so ramble but it’s my personal diary basically ijbol

[pynkhues]

Idk if you’re still answering questions about your c&c fic but im just really interested with Rio and Kenny’s relationship, like are they close? does kenny has some sort of resentment against rio bcs of dean?? does kenny sees rio as a father figure or does rio sees kenny as his son and the other boland kids as well?? And if so, what happened? Like what was the moment that made kenny look at rio as not just his moms bf but also a part of his family?? What was the boland kids reaction once they realized that rio might be a permanent fixture in their lives? It’s just something that I think about a lot, because i think among the boland kids, it would be kenny that’s going to be the hardest to win over because (im assuming that) he looks up to dean.

Im sorry if im asking a lot of question lol, you don’t need to answer all of it (or any of it) I was just curious. Thank you!

Hey! Yeah, I'm always answering questions about C&C, even if they take me a while to get to (like this one, sorry! Life's been wild).

I do think Rio and Kenny grow close in that universe. I definitely think theirs is one of the more complicated relationships in the family, in no small part because of him being the eldest and being twelve when Beth and Rio get together (which is a difficult age in general!), but also because I tend to write Dean as favouring Kenny as an eldest son and the child he feels like he 'gets'.

I write Dean as not entirely knowing what to do with daughters, and struggling with Danny who's a little shy, afraid of soccer balls, and artistic as opposed to Kenny who does all the things Dean understands. He plays sports and video games, he's not all that academic, he mucks around and likes pranks and roughhousing, and while I haven't written that much of when the kids are teenagers and young adults in that 'verse, I do in my head have it that Kenny's a pretty good kid who's popular at school and only really causes trouble for them in the way all teenagers cause trouble for their parents (Danny's the one I like to headcanon throws them the curveballs, haha).

I do kinda like this sense though that Kenny actually becomes fairly emotionally intelligent in the process of navigating those years between Dean, Beth and Rio? I think he takes being the eldest child seriously, and I like the idea that he sort of understands that his dad didn't treat his mum well, even if he can't quite articulate it (hell, it's what the whole first fic in the series was about!) and while I think he's cautious around Rio, I also think he likes him.

Rio's a cool guy! He's sharp and funny and athletic, and while I definitely think Kenny feels the brunt of Dean's resentment of Rio outside of Beth, I think for him it's internalised in the way we saw on the show with the binge eating and him withdrawing. He feels guilty for liking Rio, and for the relationship that he starts to build with him, as opposed to taking it out on him, and so it seeps out when he's young in episodes of behaviour that Beth and Rio have to address together.

In a lot of ways though too, I think Kenny being slightly older means that he has this benefit of really remembering how bad things were with his parents and feeling the shift with Beth and Rio. I think it's a happier house, and that Kenny responds to that, and in some ways it's harder for the littler kids to figure out their relationships with Dean and Rio because they don't have the context that Kenny does. It's both more and less complicated for him in so many ways, and I think Kenny takes Dean's step back from the family as the kids get older the hardest, and maybe does briefly blame Rio for that, but I think he also is the one who really steps up and becomes really close to Rio as he becomes an adult (in particular there's an incident that happens which I alluded to in a fic where Rio's seriously injured when the kids are all a bit older, and I think Kenny sort of came of age in a way that marks a real shift in the family dynamics).

So yeah! I think it's complicated and there's definitely teething problems, but I also think they connect on a lot of levels that give them a really strong foundation for their relationship.

[houseaeducan]

what do the family dynamics of your hawkes look like and how are they different or similar? (inspired by the ask meme sibling question!!)

Omg thank you for this question. Much to unpack with these guys in all directions. Not sure where to start so I'll go hawke by hawke i guess (this post got so long so I'm putting it beneath the cut lol)

Caleb - GOD OKAY. caleb is my canon hawke so i have the most thoughts about him so this is about to be a mile long. caleb has a massive eldest daughter but a boy complex that primarily dates back to an incident as a child where he blames himself for his father almost being caught by the templars, but also only been reinforced over the years of trying to protect bethany and then stepping up as basically the head of the family after Malcolm died. i know Malcolm is supposed to have the same basic personality as hawke but my Malcolm in all worldstates except camillas (will get into that later) primarily has the blue/green personality and is like. a generally pretty upstanding guy who didn't want this life for his children but also knew there wasn't really any choice if he and his children were going to be free. he didnt want to raise his sweet eldest son to feel like he needed to be Protector of the Family but like. what else was he going to do. if Malcolm died or got captured by templars someone had to be ready for that. and as a result caleb has always kind of hero-worshipped his father and is constantly measuring himself against what he feels like Malcolm would have wanted him to do.

and that extends into caleb's messy relationship with carver, because if Malcolm saw caleb as his replacement, then caleb saw carver as his. and in a lot of ways it makes sense he expected the same from carver that he did from himself: they're both boys, both non-mages, both two-handed warriors, I even hc they both take after the hawke side of the family physically while beth takes after the amell side. but caleb expecting so much out of carver also makes carver resent him, and when carver tries to confide in him about how much he hates having their lives defined by magic, caleb takes it as like a personal betrayal against the family and doesn't want to engage with it. (also the girl carver had a crush on had a crush on caleb which was so unfair and unbearable for poor carver). it's not like he's mean to carver or anything, but he's definitely not understanding in the way he could be and this isn't something that hits until carver dies. which sucks and is something he's going to feel guilty about forever :/

he has the pretty typical hawke relationship with leandra i think. he wants his mom to like him and he knows she loves him but. its hard sometimes. leandra is hard to deal with and when she's disappointed in him it's another reflection of the way he feels like he's failing his father. and then BETHANY he loves bethany and by the end of things she's the only family he has left. after a lifetime of doing everything to protect her seeing her become a grey warden is honestly agonizing bc she's so miserable and there's nothing he can do about it but it gives bethany the space to work through her negative feelings about all she's been through and i ultimately think she comes out better for it

catherine - my og hawke :) i think her dynamic with Malcolm and leandra wasn't unlike calebs but just wayyyyy less intense bc catherine is simply less inclined to take things So Fucking Personally. from an early age she learned sometimes you have to stab some guys to protect your family and its fine. that's just how it is. i don't think she and carver were super close but they had a pretty classic older/younger sibling relationship. they loved each other and bickered and cat never took carver's shit too seriously bc he was her dumb kid brother. catherine was also really protective of beth tho and when she went to the circle and then liked it there she took it PERSONALLY. bethany is actually probably her most fucked up and strained relationship in her family and out of all her companions. she loves her sister she would do anything for her but she also feels unbelievably betrayed that bethany is happy in a place she worked so hard to protect her from. they work it out eventually but i genuinely don't think they're on speaking terms for like another 5-10 years post da2

cassian - cassian hawke love of my life is a huge sweetheart but is frankly pretty self absorbed at the beginning of his story and really just did Not internalize any of the family pressure my other hawkes did. he's a talented mage who took malcolm's instruction seriously and is very nice to his mom and so managed to get through his whole childhood with a very nice relationship with his parents. i think he and bethany had a pretty solid relationship but were never close despite being honestly very similar people in many ways. the carver relationship was TENSE bc carver was wildly jealous of cassian (cassian is nice in a way that makes everyone like him, he's better looking so the girls all had crushes on him, he was always in good shape despite not needing to be as a mage, he got more attention from their father because he was mage, he was even just naturally good at magic and Malcolm was always commenting on it) and cassian just never really got why carver acted the way he did with him. their relationship does actually improve as its put through the test in kirkwall too (and as cassian gains more perspective on the world and has his arc) and they end the game friends

calliope - rebellious streak a mile wide. she never did blood magic while Malcolm was alive but she was always asking questions pushing the boundaries of what she was allowed to do and it worried the shit out of him. she was good though, and their relationship was overall positive, but he was always warning her about the consequences of going too far. i don't think leandra was as attuned to that honestly, and it wasn't something Malcolm ever brought up to her because he didn't want to worry her. calliope was always pushing back against leandra and challenging her when she felt like she was wrong but at their core they both had a lot of love for each other. and cal LOVED bethany. would have and probably did kill for bethany. and bethany loved calliope a lot albeit in a "that's my crazy older sister” kind of way and was terrified when she realized she had started doing blood magic. that caused some fighting between them but honestly cal just never took bethany's objections particularly seriously. the carver relationship is more complicated bc they never got along and calliope was such a bitchy older sister to him. and carver knew EXACTLY what cal was even if he wouldn't say it. frankly cannot rlly blame him for joining the templars. there is still a lot of love there though, and as much as they might fight with each other they wouldn't hesitate to defend the other if they were in danger

camilla - PLAY DADDY LESSONS BY BEYONCE. so malcolm in this worldstate had the red personality just like his daughter and also had the same expectations for camilla that caleb internalized just. more intensely. my read of Malcolm (in all world states) is that despite being an apostate he still has a very conventional circle educated philosophy of magic and (in this worldstate) i think impressed hard on bethany, as well as carver and cam, the importance of highly disciplined magic, the importance of being an exceptional mage who didn't make mistakes lest the results be dire). this translated into cam being pretty brutal when it came to protecting her family but also having a very critical outlook on mages despite coming from a family of apostates. she loved and admired her father for being a strong, disciplined man, and also hated him sometimes too for condemning them to a life on the run. she wanted her mother to love her soooo bad and I'm sure she did but leandra just never responded to her intense, easily angered daughter as well as she did to sweet little bethany. cam got along with both her siblings like. fine. growing up. they fought sometimes, they played sometimes, she wasn't particularly close with either as teens. carver's death is hard on her, but not like leandra's is years later. she finally gets the validation she always wanted from her mother at the moment of her death and its AWFUL. it sends her down a spiral -- leandra was killed by blood mages, who camilla has always hated, and of course she finds orsino's note in quentin's lair. the circle is complicit in blood magic, probably all the mages around her are as well. they all as good as killed her mother. she and bethany almost patch things up in the legacy quest, but when orsino uses blood magic in the final battle, camilla is certain that bethany is a blood mage too and has betrayed their mother, betrayed their father, betrayed her too and lets Meredith kill her. yoinks

[ilentari]

Nice new chapter!

What's with nobles being ok with being naked around others really?

Poor Hisashi would die of shame in this point.

Somebody please, help this man.

Also, this chapter opened up old wounds.

It kinds of hurts to see Hisashi wanting to help Izuku and in the same time wanting so bad to just leave all of this behind.

Even if he tells himself and Izuku that he won't leave him and is growing comfortable in this new life, it doesn't seem like he is 100% sure that if given the chance, he would not leave.

(Honestly, I thought we would see more of teleportation magic in this chapter, I sincerely hope that Hisashi has not forgot about it).

Izuku crying and even drinking blood poisoned for Hisashi just broke my heart. What he did, of kidnapping and causing Stockholm syndrome in a complete stranger, has so many leves of wrong that I can't not even finish to count. But like Hisashi said, he is doing it out of desesperation and not evil. (It was good Hisashi noticed this, it has helped him to not resent Izuku's actions towards him).

Is Hisashi going to reconsider everything again?

Because, let's be honest, the whole kingdom would not like Hisashi being in the throne at all. His life could be in danger. Again.

Also...

How would things have gone if Hisashi have had a family? Like a wife and a kid?

Cough... Tomura... Cough

Would Izuku had done the same thing to them like with Hisashi or being jealous because he does not want to share him with anyone?

Things would have gotten a lot more complicated, that's for sure.

Also, I was re-reading the first chapter...

Toshinori's death was never confirmed by Gran, wasn't it?

Note: 700 years married and only Izuku was born? Wow, that's a real problem to have heirs.

In Hisashi's case, if he had gotten married before all of this, considered the era and ways of life in general of humans in another kingdoms, he could have like 5 kids if he wanted, and no one would have thought of that as anormal.

Glad you enjoyed the update!

The incidents in which AFO (and/or the nobles) have been naked around each other have been for things like bathing and changing. The nobles do not think it odd to be naked around others while doing those things because for them it’s not odd.

Just like irl history in some countries, in the fic, those of higher standing have servants who do all the mundane tasks for them. Nobility has servants who fetch their clothes, help their masters change, and even bathe their masters for them. This is considered normal for nobility in the fic. So just like how irl sports teams are all naked around each other in a changing room, being naked around each other while dressing, bathing, or at the tailor’s, is actually not abnormal at all for the nobility.

For AFO, who grew up as a commoner and lived a solitary lifestyle, the idea of being naked around others for any reason is wild to him and makes him uncomfortable. But for the nobles, who all grew up with servants helping them bathe and change, it’s not strange being naked around others at all in those situations.

And yep yep. Hisashi has grown attached to Izuku and now has the dilemma of wanting to stay with Izuku, and feeling guilty about it bc he thinks that he shouldn’t want to stay. So he wants to stay but he feels bad about it, bc he knows he should still want to leave, and he does kind of want to leave, but now he also really wants to stay.

Internal struggle 👏👏 (and Hisashi has not forgotten about the teleportation magic)

Now if Hisashi had a family, none of this fic would have happened. He likely would never have been as prominent a hunter as he is in the fic, bc he’d not want to travel too far from his home and be away from his family for too long. Therefore he would never meet Izuku at all. He also wouldn’t have been a prime candidate that Izuku would choose as a parent due to the fact that he already has an existing family.

If hypothetically Hisashi did have a family during the events of the fic, I think Izuku would have started off as jealous, not wanting to share his new dad with anyone else. And then eventually after that initial jealousy wore off, Izuku would try and bring Hisashi’s family over bc that would make Hisashi happy.

And no, Toshinori’s death was never visually confirmed by Gran bc Toshinori ordered Gran to flee, so Gran wasn’t able to stay behind and watch Toshinori die. But it was an injured Toshinori on his own versus a castle full of human guards and magic users, so Gran knew Toshinori wasn’t getting out of there alive.

Yep 700 years married and only Izuku 👏👏 like the fic said, vampires have a hard time having kids, and very, very rarely are vampires ever able to conceive more than one child.

[audiovisualrecall]

My mom's brother is such a schmuck. He's been angry since she told him that their dad made her executer of the will and the beneficiary of his account (s? Anyway theres plenty of money for each of us, her brother included, she just gets an additional amount from a separate thing as beneficiary), because her brother is a jackass who thinks because he's the one who went to law school and worked in tax law like their dad did, that means he should've been entrusted with things, and resents that his sister who was 'only' a teacher was given them.

and has decided that somehow my mom manipulated or convinced their dad to make those decisions, and has made complaints this whole time, first that she didn't immediately have the estate pay him back for paying for the funeral, even though she couldn't have done that right away, then he was angry that she bought their dad's car from the estate, and then he has kept making a fuss about how long its taking to sell the apartment, even though it wasn't sellable for most of the time due to issues with the building (flooding in the basement level caused damage to the building, no laundry, no garage access and limited street parking, and now the balconies are all fucked and not allowed to be used and the co-op has to fix everything, and the co-op board is embroiled in some stupid petty bullshit)

he doesn't care, and he's decided she has 'mismanaged' the estate, and keeps threatening fucking legal action. He thinks he can take the control of the estate from her because he's knowledgeable about law shit, because he thinks he is superior to her. He's refusing to come to the unveiling and actually told her his family would not be coming either, like he can control his adult children (tho my older cousin is a dick too anyway so who cares, but my younger cousin is her own person ffs), but anyway he's not going to come to the unveiling of his father's gravestone because he's being a little pissbaby for stupid fucking sexist elitist reasons or some shit like wtf?????

And also! She let him know that my dad is doing well and healing etc and he was like 'oh good, I can proceed with legal action now [without feeling guilty]' like literally. What the fuck.

It really really sucks bc when he wasn't being a schmuck I enjoyed spending time with him and my aunt! And he's just fucking ruined everything for stupid fucking reasons.

Also like. the reason my zayde made my mom in charge of the estate is because we ALWAYS included him in everything. He was always over for friday night dinners (since my grandma died at least, and even then we spent time with them both a lot iirc), he came with us on vacations, ma made sure he was included in things, checked on him, brought him to appointments, helped him with anything he needed, she tried to get him to do free classes at the local college for fun with her (beurocratic bs got in the way), we did birthdays together and dinners out and holidays together and we turned down invitations to our other cousins' for holidays because it would run too late for zayde to enjoy it, we went to shows and ballgames and walks and museums together, and went to services at shul together, and tossed bread in the lake together before Yom Kippur, and we never expected anything, she didn't do it for any reason except that this was her dad who she loved and wanted to see him happy and healthy and make sure he got to enjoy time with his family. He loved the early morning walks with his great-grandson when we all went on vacation together.

And her fucking useless brother barely came by, barely called, never invited his dad to come up to their place in Vermont, he would just say if he wanted to my MOM should drive their dad up! And he couldn't drive him up with them himself because the DOG needed space in the car. He didn't ever make the fucking effort, and then expected to be entrusted with their dad's estate just because uhhhh???? Stupid male entitlement???

And their dad made my mom beneficiary literally because neither of my parents made half as much $ as her brother did, we did become more upper middle class over the years but that's not where things started out, and even still there was no comparison to how well-off her brother is, and so yeah her dad felt that she needed the money from that account more than her brother did. I'm sure even if he'd made just like, us grandkids the beneficiaries if that's possible, he would still have thrown a fit. But that was my grandfather's prerogative, and it wasn't expected or asked for, and it's just. His dad would be SO fucking disappointed in him. And he doesn't fucking care.

Idk like. Just. He cried at the funeral, he won't come to the unveiling. Tbh i really think he was/is angry at himself for not visiting or spending as much time with his dad, for missing out, the same way i regret letting work prevent me from seeing my zayde before he died (i got there 10 minutes too late. I didnt visit before that because of work. I hate myself for it still. So i get that, but. Damnit) , and that's been twisted up and mixed up with his feelings of shock/betrayal about the estate/beneficiary stuff and turned ugly and turned into lashing out at my mom, because he doesn't know how to deal with his fucking feelings or admit that he could have done more and that he misses his dad. I mean I'm not a mind reader but I can't tell there's some twisted mixed up stupidity in the decision making and its frustrating tbh.

[piggybonez]

my dad called me tonight to tell me happy birthday and ive gone my whole life feeling like i don’t really have a dad bc when he wasn’t physically absent he was emotionally absent but we literally talked for an hour and a half and i didn’t feel like I had to pretend the whole time. I told him that I have autism, that I’ve been struggling in school my whole life, and he’s still proud of me even though I dropped out. It feels good to be able to have a conversation with my dad for the first time. My heart hurts for him so bad. When he was 21 his brother died at 23 from drugs and I can’t imagine dying this soon. I also can’t imagine losing one of my siblings this soon. My family has been through so much. But I know the more I heal and break generational patterns the more I can have hope for my dad. He may be an alcoholic with problems but he at least has a better grip on reality than my mom ever will and for that I’m thankful. I’m just thankful I got to talk to him tonight, im thankful we actually had a good conversation and I could enjoy his company over the phone. I’m thankful he could listen to me talk and I could also listen to him.he may not get everything i have to say and I may have to have patience when it comes to getting him to understand me but I’m going to try my best. I’m going to try to not only be patient but also to be kind. Even when I get mad or frustrated with him I can’t give up. I don’t have much for family but I do have something, and that something means something and I don’t want to just abandon it or throw it away because it’s not perfect or stable.…and maybe as time goes on we can be closer and I won’t feel like such an orphan. I love my dad. I really genuinely love my dad. He works harder than anyone else I know. He’s had a hard life. He doesn’t have anyone besides his kids. I think it will be healing for both of us to have a relationship with each other. I have to appreciate the present for what it is and try. I have to be hopeful for the future. I don’t want to waste what years I have left being angry and disconnected from someone who loves me, even if I haven’t always felt loved by him. Even if a part of me is angry and resentful for the lack of presence throughout my childhood. I was convinced that my parents knew nothing. Nothing about me, nothing about the world, nothing about themselves. But sometimes my dad does know a thing or two and sometimes he does say things to me that feel like wisdom or advice. Like learning how to let go and move on with the future. I’m hurting a lot for the life my family never got to live. I feel so much guilt for being in the place I am now and for saying the things I’ve said to my parents. I told my mom to k!ll h3rself once. And even though I do think she’d be better off that way sometimes I regret it so much. I feel guilty and bad because she’s had such a hard life and I don’t want her to do that and I do admire her for still being alive through it all but she traumatizes everyone around her so bad she’s just fucking unbearable to even speak to for more than two minutes. Anyway I needed to express that I love my dad and that I’m thankful I have at least one parent in my life that can wish me a happy birthday and remind me that I’m loved. I love you dad and I’m proud of you and I’m thankful for all the ways you’ve provided for me and worked so hard…I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to be loved. I am thankful for my dad. I don’t want to lose him ever.

[thetwinsinlaw]

I also really hated the fight (if we can even call it that), not so much that it happened, moreso on how absolutely brutal and drawn out it was. However, once I sink my teeth into something I can’t help but want to see the result. So now I’m trying to figure out a few things (your post really helped me shape some of my own thoughts I couldn’t articulate!), I think Lestat looks shocked when Claudia brings up Antoinette because he doesn’t want Louis to know (lest he have another reason to leave him) and resentful towards Claudia because the reason he sought her out is because he feels he is not Louis’ priority, and Claudia since the moment she was made, is. Louis thought they were a happy family but maybe the illusion burst for Lestat a lot sooner since it’s clear that this version of Lestat does not love Claudia besides a short lived fondness. Lestat looking out at Antoinette seemed a mix of longing (for the affection and validation she gives) and quiet despair (it’s Louis he wants it from). That scene also drove home that Lestat sees Claudia purely as a rival for Louis at this point (maybe he always did) since he grossly demeans her in order to try to make himself look desirable. There was speculation on what happened to make Lestat push Louis through that wall when Louis had said the fight was done. I’m not sure if Lestat got re enraged when it sunk in that Louis was still calling out to Claudia even when Lestat had his life in his hands. Or if Louis was desperately hoping it was over but it sounded like he may have been slowly choked before Lestat crushed into his neck and drove them through the wall 😔 The fact Lestat says he’s waited years for Louis to love him implies he hasn’t felt like he’s had Louis’ love since as far back as he’s stopped eating humans tbh and has made numerous attempts (all which only antagonized and further pushed Louis away) to get his attention (his screaming Louis’ name and being ignored before he snaps seems a culmination of that). God this is a lot of word vomit lol but what I wanted to ask is, when Lestat asked Louis to say he didn’t love him, that it would help him, how sincere was he? Would he have just killed Louis there and then?would he have dropped him for Claudia to retrieve and then fucked off with Antoinette for good, or is the result still the same? As in he drops Louis and tries to get back in his good graces as the next episode seems to imply. Not even surprised that this version of Lestat doesn’t seem sincerely remorseful since “she’s poisoning him against me” seems to imply he hasn’t taken accountability in how his own actions have turned Louis against him and is desperately holding onto his narrative that it’s all Claudia’s fault.

I like your thinking here.

And about the Antoinette situation, you're probably right. Lestat looks guilty there but not because he did something wrong. He just got caught thanks to Claudia. 'Amusing' himself a.k.a. cheating was a direct consequence of Louis' behavior towards him. For which Claudia is a big factor.

Sadly, when Lestat says 'you wanted her, you fix her' it is clear he no longer cares about her fate. Though he tries to warn her about other vampires (possibly out of guilt bc he knows it was his mistake to turn her) he doesn't stop her from leaving. We don't see him mourning her loss, also because this is Louis' pov and he is consumed by his own grief. And funnily enough, Louis protests saying 'WE are doing this.' They're still a unit in the beginning. By the end, however, Louis has let go of that dream.

And it's clear that Lestat's enraged by the possibility of Louis leaving him, but he doesn't think that his way of fixing that problem is unforgivable. Killing her would be a mercy and hurting Louis... I think that's why next week he's going to apologize/court Louis as if what happened is irrelevant in the grand scheme of their vampire romance. Claudia is not in his sights at all. He has to repair his relationship with Louis, it was never about her. Another choice by the writers that I think was made so that Claudia has even more reasons to kill him and Lestat gets his 'just desserts'.

I remain immovable on this: Lestat would not have killed Louis. No matter the answer. When he asks Louis to say he doesn't love him, I believe it's his way of asking to be recognized by him. Most of the episode Louis is not even looking at him. We see that especially when he says he would have to light himself on fire to get some attention lmao

I can't say anything about what takes place during the fight because it was made blurry and off screen in Claudia's pov for a reason. Honestly, I hate to even think about it.

In a twisted, brutal way this is what he means when he says he would do anything for Louis, for them. Like, is this what I have to do to touch you, to have you close, for you to see me? And it was awful, but Lestat can't see that. Not yet, anyway. But we know he's going to regret this. And Louis does not say he doesn't love him, so the point is moot. 'Let go of me' means something else, not all is lost (even tho in the season's arc it is) and that's why the fight makes sense.

Btw don't worry about the long ask anon! It's great to discuss the show with others. I also need to 'digest' that episode and talking about it helps lol

[ohtobealady]

when Violet talks to Robert abt Cora grieving in S3 and how she should go to America. Robert is like “mm idk” but I feel like that’s so out of character for him bc I feel like he would jump at that thought and be like “absolutely not” what do u say?

Ooh great ask! Here are my 2¢:

So in that scene, Robert’s whole persona is just totally deflated, lost, confused, etc. So I think that Robert responding to Violet’s suggestion that “Cora could go to New York to see that woman” by saying “I can’t seem to think straight about any of it” is actually pretty in-character.

Yes, I think he’s being appreciative of his mother’s support, but more than that I think he’s being honest. His entire world has turned upside down.

I think he is aching for Cora. And I think he’s desperate to protect her from her grief—her feelings that she NEVER seems to let get the better of her.

Earlier in the scene you commented on, Violet asks Robert if Cora still holds him “responsible” and he doesn’t say “yes” … he says “She’s wretchedly unhappy, if that’s what you mean.” It’s a response that suggests that he’s aware of what Violet is really asking (has she still not come through the fog enough to see logically what’s happened?) and he turns the conversation to protect Cora from that…which may explain Violet’s “I will not criticize a mother who grieves for her daughter” (Or I’m not trying to attack her).

Then, when Violet says that he and Cora could see less of one another, he asks “You think I should go away?” Yes, this is all Robert feeling guilty about Sybil. But also by extension, he believes he’s the one hurting Cora, the one causing all of her grief and heartache. He tells Violet that Cora is “grieving her marriage as well.” So he immediately assumes he should be the one to stay away from Cora, he should be the one to go away because I really think he just wants Cora to be … well if not happy again, he doesn’t want HIM to be the cause of any more of her “wretchedness.” He wants to protect her from wretchedness.

We see this feeling play out again in a later scene in this same episode. He tells Mary that he won’t go back into the drawing room, where the rest of the family is, because “it’ll only set [her] mother’s teeth on edge.” And I don’t think this is said in anger towards Cora or with any resentment. It’s said in deep sorrow, of course, but his whole life is being torn apart.

When Violet then suggests that it’s Cora who goes, he changes the subject. Could it be because he thinks she may not come back (I’ll Make the Most of Loving You by the wonderfully talented @modernamericangirl)? Could it be that he doesn’t want to be apart from her, really? Could it be that he doesn’t feel she should be the one to go because he thinks he’s the one at fault? Does he feel he can’t protect her from so far away?

Anyway, I think in the end, in the scene with Clarkson, we see how much Robert needed Cora to begin to heal, how much he hurt for her heart, and how much he wanted to protect her from her grief with that desperate embrace. After all, Robert is grieving, too. Robert even goes up to Clarkson to immediately apologize to him because he does feel responsible for it all, but after? When Clarkson tells them that nothing they did could have ever saved their daughter? Robert doesn’t break down or begin to cry there. He looks for Cora—takes his lead from her—and when she loses it, his instinct is to be her anchor before he can cry, too.

And I do think they do that for one another, but especially Cora for Robert. Cora is Robert’s tether to earth, to peace, to rationality. When she cut that tether, Robert was unmoored, hence his “mm idk.”

He really didn’t know.

[tojisun]

NOT THE TOJI BEING OUR ALL TOO WELL. I KNEW THE MOMENT THAT 10 MINUTE VERSION CAME OUT THAT MOST OF HIS FICS ARE REALLY SIMILAR TO THE SONG. 😭😭😭😭

… that au where toji and reader have a son and their son starts to resent toji bc he and his wife were shitty to him makes me so sad. which brings up the question on how megumi goes through with having a brother to not having one at all? in the beginning we get to see that he was a little stand off because of his mother. (which in my opinion was a shitty move on her part) .but i’m guessing they rekindled their relationship after a while. so it makes me wonder if megumi ends up hating him for leaving or it brings back trauma (when his mother left) or did it make him relieved that he is back to being the only child or maybe it made him realize that he misses reader and his brother. either way i feel like when their much older and wiser they end up relying on each other. 

Also, you have such a brilliant mind and it amazes me that you mange to write little scenarios for each ask.💕 

HI OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

no because when anon said that toji was our "all too well" I SCREAMED BECAUSE YEAH, HE IS.

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⇾ here's a drabble about aiko's departure in megumi's eyes

[hwb - alternative ending]

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i kind of touched on megumi seeing aiko as a threat to his family wherein he loved aiko, but he was scared that because aiko was there, mamaguro would leave again.

but mamaguro and toji mended their relationship really well and despite the obvious strain in mamaguro and aiko's relationship, she is still caring for him and loving him as much as she could. and because megumi could see her efforts, his fears subside.

but at the same time, aiko's growing more distant because he could see how much you've been hurt and how much he is hurt. and he also knows that even if he was going back-and-forth in your house and toji's house, he would never be part of toji's family. and he doesn't want to. and it's that consciousness of his that solidifies the wall between him and megumi.

megumi and aiko grew up like childhood friends. they were still close and they still did things together and had fun together, but it doesn't feel familial.

when aiko leaves, megumi knew that he was not a good enough of a brother for aiko. and a part of him is guilty but a bigger part of him is scared that when aiko leaves, he will never get in touch with him anymore.

and he's right.

he's quite relieved, after, because the tension in their family leaves. megumi always knew that his mother's love for aiko was more of like a tolerance. and so when aiko's gone, he saw how their family dynamic just felt more genuine.

he'd miss aiko but in a way that one would miss someone/something that's been consistent in their life for so long. it's not as sentimental, but he still misses him.

and he'd still feel guilty (about not being a good brother and about being relieved when aiko left), but aiko doesn't care about him anymore too.

aiko's moved on from the fushiguros and has fully cut them off his life. he is happy as a gojo now.

their relationship kind of mends when megumi becomes gojo's student. aiko and you see him often now, and their relationship feels a lot less pretense than before. aiko and megumi are both reserved, knowing each other's boundaries and not overstepping. and they regain each other's trust and respect not because they're half-brothers, but because of their work ethics and stuff like that.

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the day that aiko left the fushiguro household for good, he cried to you.

satoru is in your room, allowing you and aiko your privacy, and it's just one of the things that aiko loves about satoru. aiko's whimpering beside you, his head burrowed on your shoulder, mindful of your pregnant belly, as you hug him and pet his head.

"i-i miss him," aiko says, breath hitching and voice breaking. he does not remove himself from your side, still sniffling and using your sleeves to wipe at his tears. "i wished he was a better brother to me."

you feel your heart break for him, remembering the many nights that you assured him that megumi still loved him and that he was just going through something tough. and you know megumi. he may not be your own blood but you loved him the same, and you know that he indeed was struggling with his own emotions and his own thoughts. your two boys were so young and yet they were put through something troubling like that.

your son, just three, and he lost both his father and his brother overnight.

"i know baby," you say to him, kissing at his forehead. "i know."

aiko sniffles before looking at you. "i'll be a better brother to sachi."

you smile at him, knowing that he will be. "sachi is very blessed to have you as her brother, aiko."

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[how we break masterlist]