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notkeepittogether · 1 year ago

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Talking about Making Space

i dubbed this a concept album when i made it, but i think i misunderstood the definition at the time. i’d written a handful of songs during the year, which i had intended to release as an EP or an album, but most of the demos i had remained unfinished, even by december.

all of these songs are about my time in san francisco, over my birthday & also the christmas period in 2021. the plan was to go for my birthday, meet up with my friends, and have a silly time together. you may remember the great resurgence of covid cases that occurred in november/december of that year, which definitely plays a part in this. but keep in mind i had booked my flight in june.

admittedly, it was a stupid idea to plan a meetup with internet friends you made during lockdown, only a matter of months after said lockdown measures had been slightly relaxed. it was june and i’d figured things would be much better with the rate that things seemed to be improving and opening back up again. i had managed to avoid catching the dreaded illness up until that point, and i’d confidently gone in to take my fit-to-fly covid test two days before. but the night before my flight, my mum took a test of her own amidst coming down with what seemed to be a heavy cold, and when she called for me up the stairs with a panicked voice, i knew exactly what she was going to tell me.

i was faced with a tough decision. i hadn’t yet received the results of my fit-to-fly test but i realised i was potentially about to receive what i deemed would be earth-shattering news. i went to my dad’s place to spend the night and hopefully avoid catching the virus (if i hadn’t caught it already), mere hours before my flight. i told my friends that there was a chance i wouldn’t be able to make it, but even if my test was negative, there was still a chance that i had caught it and was still in the incubation stages.

we decided as a group that if the test was negative, it was probably better to just risk it and go anyway, rather than waste all the money i had already spent on getting there and staying there. so when the test came back negative, i went.

as you can probably guess from all this buildup, two days into the trip i developed my first covid symptom, and two days after that, i tested positive. i wasn’t the only one, though. we hadn’t thought in depth about what would happen if we weren’t able to get the negative tests we needed to get home. we had to extend the trip to accommodate for the ten day isolation period and to also let enough time pass by that we could produce negative tests again. this meant having to relocate to a smaller airbnb where we’d stay for christmas. what ensued during this period of isolation was what you might expect from four ill, stir-crazy, homesick people who had to spend christmas in a place with one bedroom in it. i won’t go into detail about what exactly happened, though - that’s what the album is for.

the album is the aftermath. the impact of this trip was still fresh in my mind and on my body as i had flown home on december 29th with seemingly worse symptoms than i’d had when i was actually sick with the virus. a delayed reaction (and probably a result of not sleeping for 36 hours on the journey home) with my lungs has flared up my asthma at the worst it had ever been. i was basically bedridden for the two weeks following my arrival home. i was feeling a lot of things, too. i had so many regrets - things i hadn’t said or done while with the people i was convinced i’d probably never see again, things i had said or done that i felt i had no control over at the time while my brain was at mercy to sickness and discomfort, making the decision to go while knowing the risks and bringing everyone down with me.

EDIT: we were also drunk for a lot of the time. i think that’s worth mentioning.

now, almost two years later, i don’t regret anything. (well, maybe some things.)

1. Making Space

this one’s very blatant in its lyricism. we, or at least i, was going completely stir crazy in this airbnb that had one bedroom in it. i was hating myself pretty intensely both during and after all of this had happened. i was rejecting the affection of all of my friends.

2. The Art of Texting

the year preceding this trip hadn’t been easy. i found myself seeking comfort in my friends who were willing to let me completely lean on them, so long as i let them do the same with me. this resulted in some unhealthy codependency that, despite the implications, i still look back on somewhat positively. how do you convey your deepest feelings to someone when all you can do is text or call them? (miscommunicate).

3. Understand (All the Best)

i came home feeling like i was broken. i had strong feelings, but they felt like the wrong feelings, and i regretted not letting myself get fully comfortable around the only people i’d ever been comfortable with.

4. Dunes

i believe it was on boxing day that i had finally had enough of being indoors. a friend and i went on a long walk down a nearby beach, at night, where we shared airpods (until they died) and listened to music out of a phone speaker (until it died) while walking up and down and climbing some of the sand dunes that had formed. it was the most peaceful i felt the entire time i was there.

the image for the album art was taken on this walk.

5. Are We Alright?

mainly focused on the aftermath of this trip - i had a lot i needed to fix once i got home. guilt was not enough. i was unthinkably cold. i had to wear gloves in my room.

6. New Year

written about the year of 2021 as a whole, and what i went through with my friends. i used this song as a general outlet for my deep desire to repair a friendship that i’d fucked up. i think it helped.

7. Bad at Talking

every single friendship i had was in a state of disrepair after this trip. i wasn’t entirely sure what everyone thought of me after meeting me in person for the first time and then immediately seeing me at my worst.

8. Late Again

i was feeling inadequate as a long distance friend, and also inadequate to fulfil life’s basic expectations of me. i wish i remembered the exact intentions i had as i was writing this. but the stuff about missing my train and being thirty minutes late to class actually happened.

9. Twin Beds

on my last night in san francisco, my friend and i shared a twin hotel room. it was the first time in a week that i had my own bed to sleep on. he floated the idea of sharing a bed and i thought it was both funny and outrageous.

i flew home the next morning, but two of my friends were hit with an endless stream of complications. one had such extreme delays due to weather that he missed his layover and had to spend an extra night away from home. the other found out that canada’s covid policies were different to that of the us and uk. they had to spend an extra two weeks(?) in san francisco, by themselves. i felt bad about how relieved i was to be at home while they still had not made it. part of me, now, wished i had stayed.

10. All the Best / Goodnight

reading these lyrics back, i’m transported back into the toxic mindset i was stuck in for a while after i returned home. i was struggling with a lot of self hatred, for a whole plethora of reasons, and i spent a lot of time wishing nobody knew me or thought of me at all now that i was painfully aware that people knew me and were thinking of me.

i still write songs about this experience today. i need to stop, but honestly it somewhat shaped me into the person i am now, unlocking desires and urges i didn’t know i had.

#talking #keep it together #making space

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austinsgirl · 2 years ago

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Rather Die | Chapter 17

word count: 2787

no warnings (:

cross posted on wattpad

masterlist

leave me all your thoughts!

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Austin wakes up to the smell of fresh homemade snickerdoodle cookies coming from the kitchen.

"Hey Vic, what's all this?" he asks, walking into the kitchen with just his grey sweats on.

"Oh hey-

Victoria gets caught off guard, not expecting him to walk in & walk in wearing what he's wearing.

"I'm just making cookies to take over to your sister's later. I hope that's alright. I just want to make a good first impression on your family." she finishes.

"Yeah, that's fine. I'm sure they'll really appreciate it."

"I would have made a pie, but it was such short notice that I was joining you so cookies it is."

"You know, you didn't have to make anything. It's not like you're my girlfriend & you really have people to impress."

"Yeah, but I am your baby mama, so I do need to make a good impression. Your family is about to become my family in some way."

"I guess that's true. Watching the parade?" Austin looks over to the TV from the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'm waiting for the Rockette's to come on. I've always loved them and it's a dream of mine to go."

"Weeeellll, I am hosting Saturday Night Live next month, so maybe you can come with me to New York & I'll take you."

"You'd do that?" Vic asks in awe.

"Yeah, of course." Austin smiles. "I'd love to. Consider it your Christmas present from me."

"That would be amazing, Aus. Thank you." she hugs him.

Austin feels butterflies in his stomach as she squeezes him tight.

"Can Ashton come too?" Victoria asks, making those butterflies disappear.

"Sure. The more the marrier."

It's definitely not what Austin had in mind, but he knows it'll be easier to let him tag along.

"We can probably go that Sunday night after SNL. I'll be in rehearsals all that week." Austin mentions. "I'll look into tickets for us, and I'll see if Ashley wants to go too."

"Ashley is your sister, right?"

"Yeah. She's going to SNL to see me host. She's really my biggest supporter."

"Even more so than your dad?"

"Yeah, I would say so. Don't get me wrong, our dad is very supportive of me, but I think Ashley is just a tad more supportive."

"Do you think your family will like me?" Victoria asks him.

"I think so. I don't see why they wouldn't."

"So, who's all going to be there?"

"My dad, his parents, Grandpa Michael & Grandma Linda, Ashley & her husband Tony, my mom's mom, Grandma Karen, then my Aunt Hilary & her boys, which are on my mom's side."

"What about your grandpa on your mom's side?"

"He passed a few years ago."

"Oh, Aus. I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Thanks, Vic. I was able to say goodbye thankfully."

"I'm glad you we're able to. I was stuck here during the pandemic when my grandma passed back home in New Zealand. She was already battling cancer, then she got hit with Covid, so her body just completely gave out. I had plans to go see her too that year, but of course it all got canceled."

"Damn. That's rough. I'm sorry."

"Thanks. I went back last year. It was weird going to the cemetery to visit her & not to her house."

"I bet."

"I'm so nervous to meet your family. Like what if they don't support our situation?"

"If they don't, they don't. This baby is ours, whether they like it or not."

"Okay."

"If they don't support, it'll be okay. I know my family, and once they meet our cute little baby girl, they'll get over it."

"You did tell your family about the baby, right?"

"Yeah. Well, I told my dad & Ashley. I think my grandparents and aunt know."

"Okay, good. I don't want to go in there with this baby bump and have them freak out."

"Did you tell your family?"

There's a silence from Victoria after Austin's question.

"You didn't tell them, did you?" he asks.

"Nooo, I haven't. I just know my mom is going to flip because I'm having a baby out of wedlock, even though she had my two oldest brothers while in high school."

"You have to tell them, Vic."

"I know, I know. I will soon because I have to break it to them that I won't be going home for Christmas."

"Invite them here."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah! We can do a joint family thing here. Our families meet, I meet yours."

"I don't know, Aus. That would be a lot of people & I don't know how my mom will act. She can be so nosy when it comes to my relationships with men."

"But we're not in a relationship."

"But we're in some sort of situationship, so."

"I think it'll be fine. They'll meet eventually anyways. They're all related to our daughter."

"You're right. I'll talk to my mom about it."

"Good. How many siblings do you have, anyways?"

"Three older brothers, and one older sister."

"Aw, you're the baby of the family just like me."

"Mhm. There's fourteen years between my sister and I."

"Damn, so really the baby."

"Yep."

The oven beeps and Victoria takes the last pan of cookies out of the oven.

"Can I have one?" Austin asks, gearing towards the cookies that are on the cooling racks.

"Yeah, go for it. I'm sure there will be extra anyways. Also, I want to know if they're good before taking them over there." Vic replies. "I haven't baked in a while."

"Holy shit, these are really good!" Austin says after taking a bite.

"Really? You think so?"

"I really do think so. They're great, Vic. I didn't know you could bake."

"Yeah, I've always loved to bake things like cookies, cake, brownies, etcetera."

"A reason why you're going to be a great mom."

"Because I can bake?"

"Yeah, I feel like all great moms can bake. I mean, mine could."

"Thanks, Aus. That's really sweet."

"Of course, babe."

"Babe?"

"Sorry, habit. Didn't mean to call you that."

"It's okay." she gives him a puzzled look.

The sound of the reporters of the parade come from the other room, announcing that the Rockette's will be up next.

Victoria scurries into the living room and sits down on the couch so she won't miss anything. Austin chuckles and smiles to himself at how cute it is that she's so excited to see the Rockette's on TV.

Austin joins her on the couch to watch. He fights the urge to put his arm around her shoulders. He wants to so bad, but that would be breaking boundaries.

In the middle of watching the performance, Victoria gasps and feels tears start to form.

"Aus...." she says to him.

"What??" he asks confused.

"Oh my god..."

"What? What's wrong??"

"The baby just kicked..."

"She what?!"

"She just kicked! Wait, she's kicking again!" Victoria grabs his hand and places it on her belly where the baby is kicking. "Do you feel her?"

"Yeah, yeah I do." Austin responds as his eyes swell with tears, and he smiles wide.

"Wow, that's something I never thought I'd ever get to feel. This is so incredible."

"I know. I've never felt a baby kick before. I mean, makes sense as I've never been around someone who was pregnant before. I bet it feels so weird on the inside."

"It does, but also amazing at the same time. It really feels like I'm pregnant now, actually feeling her inside me. I felt flutters before but this is just...woah."

"I'm never going to get over the fact that we're going to be parents."

"Neither will I. I prepared myself to not being able to carry, but actually getting a chance to with my chances being so low, is just something I will always be grateful for."

"I know this isn't the ideal situation you wanted to have a baby in, and I know I'm the last person you wanted as your baby daddy, but I'm glad it worked out this way. I couldn't ask for a better parenting partner. And I hope you know I will forever take care of you & our daughter for the rest of my life, even if we aren't on the best terms."

"Thanks, Austin. That really means a lot. And yeah, I wasn't ever picturing having a baby with you, but I'm glad it's with someone I can trust."

"You trust me? Never thought I'd hear that from you after what I did."

"It took me awhile, but yes, I trust you. Eliana on the other hand..."

"Yeah, no one trusts her." he laughs. "But I'm glad I've been able to earn your trust back."

"Me too." she smiles.

Hours have passed and the two of them headed over to Austin's sister, Ashley's house.

"Hey! Happy Thanksgiving!" Ashley greets Austin opening the door for them.

"Hey Ash! Happy Thanksgiving!"

The siblings share a hug before Austin introduces Victoria to his family.

"Ashley, this is my friend & co-parenting partner? I don't know how else to say it, but um, this is Victoria. Vic, this is my sister, Ashley." Austin introduces them.

"Hi! It's so nice to meet you finally!" Ashley greets Victoria with open arms.

"It's nice to meet you, too!" Victoria responds.

Austin goes around the house introducing Victoria to everyone else.

"Vic, this is my dad, David. Dad, this is Victoria."

"Nice to meet you, sir." Victoria shakes his hand politely.

"Nice to meet you too, Victoria. And please, call me David."

"Got it, David it is."

Victoria also met his grandparents, aunt, cousins, and brother-in-law.

She went into the kitchen and set the cookies she made onto the counter.

"It smells great in here. Do you need help with anything?" Vic asks Ashley as she's basting the turkey.

"Uh, yeah! If you want, you can peel potatoes for the mashed potatoes! The potatoes are in the fridge & the peeler is in the third drawer to the left." she replies.

"I will get on it!"

As Ashley, Victoria, and Aunt Hilary get dinner finished up in the kitchen, Austin is sitting in the living room with his grandparents & dad, watching football.

"Austin, how did you meet Victoria again?" Grandma Linda asks.

"We just filmed a movie together over the summer." Austin answers.

"Oh, that's right. Weren't you with that Hispanic girl?"

"Yeah, but we broke up."

"You sure moved on fast then, dear."

"Linda, they aren't together." Grandpa Michael tells her.

"They're not??" she asks.

"No."

"Then how'd she get pregnant?"

"We, uh, hooked up, Grandma." Austin says.

"Oh..." Grandma Linda says disappointed.

The room was silent until the team they're rooting for scored, and everyone cheered.

"Austin, help me set the table?" Vic pops her head into the living room.

"Yeah." he responds.

They go into the dining room and start setting the table.

"I think Grandma Linda, and everyone else is disappointed in our situation. Well, at least everyone in the living room." Austin says to Vic.

"Why do you say that?" she asks.

"Because Grandma asked how we met, and then she asked if I was with Eliana, and I told her we broke up, said I moved on fast, Grandpa had to remind her we aren't together, and then she asked how you got pregnant, and I told her we hooked up and the room went dead silent. I could tell she was disappointed that we aren't together & having a baby."

"I had a feeling someone would be disappointed & not super supportive."

"Yeah, well, they're older and traditional. What should we expect?"

"That's true."

Not long after the table was set, dinner was ready & everyone sat down to eat.

Of course, Victoria told her life story to his family after being asked where she came from, how she got to into acting, when she moved to the US, etc.

Austin played catch up with his family, giving all the details on the Elvis press tour, filming the new movie, and his other upcoming projects.

Eventually, it came down for them to answer the real questions.

"So, you two are going to raise this baby together?" David asks.

"Yes, we're going to co-parent." Austin responds.

"Victoria lives with you now, right?"

"Yeah, I moved in not long ago. It's been a lot easier on us with appointments & milestones. Like today, we both felt the baby kick for the first time." Vic smiles. Her reply gets smiles & awes from everyone around the table.

"And no wedding for you two?" Grandma Karen asks.

"No, no wedding. We're not together, we're just two friends having a baby together after a one-time thing happened. Victoria is seeing someone, and he's okay with what's going on." Austin answers.

"If you don't mind me asking, what made you decide to keep the baby?" David asks Vic.

"I've been told a few times before that it may be almost impossible for me to conceive, like my chances of getting pregnant we're very low. Since I was able to conceive, I decided that I wanted to do this, whether Austin was going to be apart of this or not. I didn't want to go the abortion or adoption route and give up my chances of being a mom in the future. I'll be super lucky if I ever get to conceive again."

"Oh, Vic. I'm so sorry to hear that you have fertility issues like that." Ashley says sympathetically.

"Thank you. When I first found out, I sobbed. I've always dreamt of having kids of my own someday, and that news just shattered me. It's definitely not how I wanted having a baby to go, but Austin has been so supportive, and just has been the greatest. David, you & Lori really raised Austin right."

David gets choked up a bit, "Thank you, Victoria. That means a lot."

Austin got a little choked up too. "Thanks, Vic." he smiles at her.

"Of course."

Now that everyone is more aware of what's going on, during desert, everyone has loosened up and is really warming up to Victoria & the idea of her and Austin co-parenting.

"These cookies are so good, Victoria! You have to give me the recipe!" Ashley says to her.

"Thank you! We can exchange numbers and I'll send it to you."

"Sounds perfect!"

After everyone was full from dinner and sweets, they all relaxed a bit in the living room. Ashley had pulled out her photo box which contains many photos of her and Austin when they were kids.

"Oh, look at this one! Here's Austin as a baby in the bathtub!" Ashley pulls it out of the box and hands it to Victoria.

Austin blushes & covers his face, being shy and embarrassed.

"Aw, Aus don't be embarrassed! Look how cute you we're!" Vic says to him. "And it's not like I haven't seen you naked before." she jokes.

Victoria's joke made Austin shift in his seat, thinking back to the time where she did see him in the nude.

After awhile, Vic and Austin said they're goodbyes. Austin could really tell that his family really warmed up to Vic & just fell in love with her. They all gave her such big hugs goodbye & wished to see her soon.

On the way home...

"I think they really liked you, Vic." Austin says.

"You think?"

"Yeah, I think so. Seems like they really got used to the situation pretty quickly, and seem okay with it."

"Definitely. You're family is really sweet, Austin. Ashley invited me to go shopping with her tomorrow. I told her we had plans to go, but we can join her."

"Oh yeah, she mentioned to me that she talked to you about that. We can go with her for sure. I'm glad you two get along really well."

"Me too."

Once they got home, Vic goes into her room and starts getting ready to check out for the night.

On his way to his bedroom, Austin stops in to her room.

"Hey, is there anything you need or anything I can do for you before we go to bed for the night?" he asks.

"No, I'm okay. Thanks though."

"Okay. I'm happy to help if you ever need anything. Just want to help you in anyway I can."

"I know. Thank you, Aus."

"Love you, too." he says kinda quickly and quietly, on his way out of her room.

It was silent for a second before Austin realized what he said.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I-

"What did you say?" she asks him.

"I didn't say anything."

"Oh, okay."

"Goodnight."

And with that, Austin runs to room, saying "Shit, shit, shit." to himself. "I have to move on..."

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#austin butler #austin butler fanfiction #austin butler imagine #austin butler one shot #austin butler smut #austin imagine #austin butler rather die #elvis #elvis presley #rather die

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radicalposture · 1 year ago

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don’t Post abt it much bc what’s the point but it’s been a year since i had covid and my life has never been the same lol. started to get better around christmas and then got worse again probably bc i had covid again or something else without really realising it. a few weeks ago my aunt was over from nz and my cousin who works in a hospital both had covid though they may not even have caught it from each other and then i was so so sick afterwards even though the tests were negative for me and everyone who’s sick is like nah i was grand didn’t feel it so you’re like. well never mind then it’s just me suffering i guess. still haven’t recovered from that one. and of course it mostly manifests as being too scared to do any real walking bc i know i’ll wear myself out and never going anywhere or doing anything and also i’ve lost most of my will and interest in literally everything and just being riddled with anxiety and depression 24/7 about extremely stupid stuff and i already had no money and i applied for other jobs but i’m almost hoping i don’t get them bc i think having to think and work might kill me at this point. and literally all my sensory issues and distractibility and emotional regulation etc etc are completely haywire and my doctors just like what can ya do and no one knows anything about any of it and i’m too tired to care really so i guess i’ll just spend another year rotting or something oh well

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violentivy · 2 years ago

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Survivors guilt

My family had a bit of a rough year as far as the holidays. I mean, my family of origin.

See, my brother caught Covid and tested positive on Dec 23rd. My Mom tested positive yesterday, (Merry Christmas I guess.)

My brother was all over his socials talking about how he felt bad for anyone who couldn't spend time with their families this holiday, and that he understood how hard it was.

The gesture felt empty. I hated that he suddenly had ALL THE SUPPORT IN THE WORLD for people separated from their families the moment he can't see his kids for ONE holiday.

I get that he's autistic and empathy might be a bit of a stretch for him, but I TOO am autistic, and I have spent my life being overly empathetic to make up for my siblings complete and utter disregard for anyone but themselves. It's kinda funny, I mean, funny isn't really the world but I lack the right one. I've been unable to spend Christmas with all of my children for 9 fucking years. If you think about that in time lost, the memories I will never be able to make with my kids, how I am grateful to get to kind of be there through a twitter thread now.

When I was their full time parent, I made sure that all of them knew I would never abandon them. From the moment I first held them in my arms. Then to have them ripped away because "You can't read social queues." feels awful. I too, am autistic, and I just wish I had a chance to have a "normal", real family.

I never saw one meme, one expression of care or concern, nothing before yesterday.

As a matter of fact, the first holiday after the kids were taken, I went to my Mother's house she called my terrible mood her fault in an effort to try to guilt me into feeling better. Maybe that worked when I was a kid IDK. It doesn't work now.

I stopped going to her house for Easter after that. I usually spend the day home by myself.

I understand in a very real way that I am on my own. My family is just some people I'm related to and I've never belonged with them. I keep them, just as I keep all acquaintances, at an arm's length. I do not even permit my sister to message me. I do this for my survival.

Just as I spent yesterday. I sat at home for 18 hours just playing video games all day and it was glorious. I didn't have to share the controller, I didn't have to get off of my computer to help someone, or make a huge meal. I didn't cry too much.

My upbringing was pretty terrible. I understand my parents were doing the best they could, but their best was fucking awful. I've found since I've started reparenting myself, and encouraging myself to take off my mask more and more, I feel better.

When my boss "corrects" my behaviors, he says he wishes someone had done the same for him. I just want to shout at him "wait, because you're neurodivergent and lack the social queues?"

See, I lack the social queues, too, but believe it or not, I feel pretty ok in my being terrible at it.

Nothing in my life currently follows convention.

My husband and I had had our holiday on the 21st with his kids, and I expect to visit my daughter and granddaughter on the 28th. He worked a 12 hour shift yesterday during which he made more money in a day than I make in a pay period. That's all true. However, my husband also does a lot of the household work as well. I'm glad because I lack the spoons to do so, as well as just the ability, but he can't see mess.

So, I point out things and he deals with them. It's hard to call oneself interdependent when your partner does so much. It feels like leaning but then I have to remind myself that I am the one who sees the things and points them out, so that he can do whatever needs to be done.

And I'm not like, completely helpless either. I'm disabled. That's ok. 40 hour work week takes all the spoons I have and then some.

I am able to cook sometimes. I can sometimes remember to do a whole load of laundry. Sometimes, I even remember I could be folding the laundry while I have a streamer on the television to essentially body double with me. I try not to get annoyed at how many times a day I trip over shit and fall.

On the 21st I was running down the hallway, caught a shoe, tripped and fell hard enough that I slid when I fell. I still have carpet burn on my knees.

I brushed it off, but I just wanted to sit, cry and feel sorry for myself. But my mother taught me that you can't do that in front of your kids. They need to see you as untouchable and unphasable.

That ISN'T correct, but since also poorly regulate, it's been necessary for my survival. I try not to wail. I feel a wail in my throat often.

Because that's GRIEF that is trapped inside, and I feel like I always carry it. It also feels as though no one really gets it. Like I am some delusional woman who believes she used to have children, but doesn't in reality.

Except the one that does constantly stay in contact, who pretty much gets a hold of me daily asking for some money, or some form of heavy emotional labor. An emotional labor I HAVE to do because I parented her poorly, because I too was a child when I had her.

But I have to do it before her brain fully solidifies. She needs to understand she isn't a bad kid. She's always been so good, but she also has always been under her father's thumb, and that nothing was ever going to be good enough for him.

Me? I'm pretty easy to please. Just let me to my own devices and reach out when you need advice. I'm just, automatically proud. You all were little wobbly pieces of sentient meat who turned into less wobbly pieces of sentient meat. And those meatsuits you currently wear are capable of amazing things like making music, or creating art.

In my head, I laugh and say "I made that meatsuit.". The fact is, I did. But ya'll gave it life.

And THAT is why I'm proud of you. You gave yourselves lives and dared to dream bigger than I could muster as a heavily emotionally abused little girl.

I'm still that girl, yes, still the same meat mech I've always had, but through your lofty dreams, I'm able to see beyond the faulty programing, and the crappy connective tissues that just don't stay in place the way they should.

However, it is also terrifying because as you dream big, I realize I have to help create a steady foundation for you to jump off of into your adult lives. And as a kid when I asked for that kind of foundation my parents told me I was being resource intensive. They told me I asked for too much and being self made was better than being just... Made.

It's called GENERATIONAL wealth for a reason. You're supposed to spread it. You're supposed to share it.

As if by some miracle my other 2 sons find this blog post, I'm sorry. I know you think I'm evil. You can think that if you'd like. You'll make your own conclusions someday. I love and accept you no matter what. My littlest one, I want you to know that you associate food with me. That's why you over eat. I was trying this new method with you were I fed you every meal so that you'd have a healthy association with food. The thing is, we didn't get through that entire program.

And my middlest one, you have my heart. As much as you all look, think and act like me, you may be the one who does that the most. Keep being your weird self. Keep asking those macabre questions and keep making it uncomfortable for everyone. Someday, someone is going to try to stop you from asking uncomfortable questions and revealing uncomfortable truths.

Don't. Don't stop ever. You're right to question. This world ain't gonna fix itself and in order to make it better for everyone, we gotta ask those questions.

I stopped because someone beat me repeatedly for it.

And for my other 2, who likely won't see this post. I am so, incredibly proud of you. You are living your dreams and even if it makes me nervous, understand that I am still proud. I am just fighting a lot of internal programming.

We'll all be together someday. Until then, I'll keep playing video games on holidays by myself and dream of spring, where you all would run around your grandparents back yard and hunt for eggs while the rest of the family enjoyed the warm of the springtime sun.

#christmas feels #holiday #sad holidays #actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #actually dyspraxic

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jellostories · 10 days ago

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AJ the Very Whimsical, Ch. 7: Christmas Hugs

In memory of my Uncle Rick (1965-2020), and to all those who have lost loved ones to the COVID-19 pandemic

~~~~

AJ's heart thumped like a drum in her chest. It was Christmas, and that meant only one thing: BEAR-HUGGING TIME! She launched herself at her mom, Blaze, who was starting to make dinner. Blaze, caught off guard, stumbled back.

"AJ, you silly girl," Blaze chuckled, prying her grinning daughter off. "Don't hug Mommy when she's making dinner."

"But hugs are awesome, Mommy!" AJ shouted, wrapping her arms around herself. "Even more awesome than striped socks!"

Blaze ruffled AJ's already messy hair. "You're cute, AJ. Now run along while I make the pulled pork."

AJ's hug quest began! First, she dashed upstairs, scooped her pet turtle, Surly, out of his cage, and gave him a tight squeeze.

"Je t’aime, Surly!" she chirped, kissing his head.

Surly blinked, looking confused but pleased.

Next, AJ bundled up in her oversized coat and scarf. She threw open the door and skipped towards Twist's house, picturing herself giving Twist and her cute twin sisters giant Christmas hugs. The thought made her shiver with excitement.

She knocked on Twist's door. Her heart sank when Twist's father, Frank, answered.

"Howdy, AJ," Frank smiled politely. "What brings you here?"

AJ blushed, fixing her eyes on his shoes. "I, uh... I, uh..." she stammered. AJ was always shy around Frank, ever since The Booger-Flinging Incident back in kindergarten.

"You're here for Bertha, I take it?" Frank guessed, thankfully not mentioning her red face.

AJ nodded slowly, still staring at the floor.

Frank opened the door wider. "Come on in. Bertha's playing in her room upstairs."

AJ zipped past Frank and up the stairs. She stopped on the landing, hugging her knees and taking deep breaths.

"Why, AJ?" she thought. "Why did you have to flick your booger in Monsieur Holloway's hair? What a dummy-pants you are!"

Suddenly, two high-pitched voices interrupted her thoughts. "It's my turn with the truck!" "Mmm, mmm!"

AJ looked up to see Twist's twin sisters, Pepsy and Pizza, fighting over a toy truck. She grinned and zoomed up the stairs, scooping both twins into a bone-crushing hug.

"Oh my gosh, you two are the cutest twins ever!" she chirped, oblivious to their turning faces. "You should play with me and Twist more often!"

"A-AJ—" Pepsy sputtered, reaching for AJ.

"—we can't—breathe–" Pizza finished, gasping.

AJ quickly dropped the twins. "Yipe!" she yelped, clutching her back.

Pizza stared at her with wide eyes, while Pepsy looked like she was trying not to laugh.

"What's wrong, AJ?" Pizza asked.

"My—back—itches!" AJ grunted, scratching furiously.

Pepsy burst out laughing, hiding her face in a potted plant. Pizza covered her eyes, remembering her dad's embarrassing "Back Scratch Fever" dance.

A door creaked open, and Twist emerged, a small figure in denim overalls, a squiggly scar on her cheek, and metal braces on her teeth.

AJ stopped scratching. "Twisty!" she squealed, running towards her friend. "Let me hug you!"

Twist barely had time to react before AJ tackled her to the floor, sending Twist's pet porcupine flying onto Pizza's head.

"Angel," Twist wheezed, "I can't breathe—"

"Oh, really?" AJ let go. "Have you tried using an inhaler? That's what my Aunt Addy does."

Twist caught her breath and slugged AJ in the arm.

"Ouchies!" AJ rubbed her arm. "What are you trying to do, Twist? Disarm me?”

Twist and her sisters exchanged unamused glances.

"That pun is pure—" Prancer began.

#aj the very whimsical #writers on tumblr #short story #stories for kids #fantasy #short stories #adventure comedy

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spacecadetspe · 9 months ago

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A snippet from last year...

Mar. 28, 2023

I accidentally triggered myself last night. I think I've been triggered on and off for awhile now.

I guess... let's just get into it.

W brought home Covid weekend before last, and Fortitude and I have been sick on and off until today. So I've taken a few days off from work and tried to sleep as much as possible. I've lost weight; not in the healthy way, of course; and my stamina is still next to nil.

But the triggering really started when W mentioned that K had thrown out a paint-by-numbers that I had given her a couple years ago. He asked her why she didn't just give it to me, and she replied that I had given back her last gift; why should she give me anything? So W asked me why I had returned the purse she had given me for Christmas.

I tried to explain it to him, but because he's 7, I'm not sure it completely got across. I asked him if he remembered going and seeing Ropana. Lately she's been issuing chores and work for him to do, with very little gratitude. I thought this was apt; show, don't tell. I explained that she was showing him just what K had done. She wants to give gifts and pretend to be friendly, even asking to put my trust in her... and then when a problem arises, she shuts down. She defers to X, the abuser. And I'm still left doing all the emotional labor. Whatever gifts she gives me... don't solve the problem I specifically asked for help with. And then she called me a liar and a bad mom to my partner... so why would I accept gifts from someone like that?

I don't keep fake friends. And for some reason that I thought I should've let go of by now, I was angry that she was acting like I was the entitled, ungrateful one.

Fortitude mentioned that the woman couldn't even give me my winter coats back, let alone my other belongings. He validated my anger, but if I'm honest, that didn't really help either.

And then Patience and his wife's blowup at me has been a stirred pot this whole time, as well. The feelings of anger and betrayal kept popping up everywhere.

So last night, I was drawn to Phobetor.

"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked him.

He sat up to look at me. "It's your realm, my lady. You may sleep wherever you desire." He watched me as I took a step closer. "Is there something you need from me?"

I gave a slow shake of my head. "No... I just... need you, right now."

Phobetor seemed to consider this for a moment. "Do you need to process with me?"

"I don't know if that will help." Processing is a mixed blessing. While it does sort out your thoughts and experiences, it doesn't teach you how to overcome fears, and it's easy to get caught up in the process when true change is what's called for.

Phobetor smiled knowingly and cocked his shaggy head at me. "Then what do I have that could possibly help you?"

I started listing off the traits that I needed; that I love about him. "You're kind, erudite, you give good advice and great hugs, your voice is soothing, you're loyal..." My voice cracked. I felt a shock of pain rush through my body. "You're... you're loyal," I realized softly.

"Ah," he said with a slow nod. "You needed someone who wouldn't turn their back on you."

I broke down then, in the middle of his room, and started sobbing into my hands. He sprang up off his bed and wrapped me up in his arms, and shushed me while I cried.

After awhile, he bade me lie down on his bed, on my side. He lay down beside me and curled up against my back, with his hands on my belly. "I won't turn my back on you, Hope," he whispered, "but I need you to let go."

"How?" I asked tearfully.

"Just talk to me," he said sweetly.

So I told him everything. About Patience, C, K, and X... about how everyone was a friend until something went wrong, and then nobody seemed to want to work it out. And dealing with that from another Virtue was unexpected and painful.

Phobetor lay with me about an hour, helping me process and letting the pain drain out. "Is he still in the Forge?" he asked.

I nodded, and he hummed in my ear. A little while later, he got up and said he was going to deliver the message to all the pertinent individuals that the processing of the Virtue of Patience needed to begin.

I held onto his hand for a moment. "I don't want you to leave," I whispered.

He smiled, knowing that I wasn't going to prevent him from leaving, but only that I was showing my vulnerability. He stroked my hair and pulled the covers up around me. "I'll never be so far you can't reach me," he murmured. "But if I am to hold to this standard of loyalty you've come to expect from me, I'll need to put your will into motion."

He left me there, bundled in blankets, and while I hadn't wanted him to leave me, I felt more secure. Less angry. Less hurt. In all that pain, I was finally finding my foothold, and with it a real sense of stability.

#mythology and folklore #dreams #spicy psychology #trauma #shadow work #magic

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oshi-nakadapiroki · 1 year ago

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Nakada Hiroki Channel Nakacha no Ma #49 2023.12.24 Notes [Eng translation]

≫ Intro:

He's currently watching figure skating ⛸ (he's got a hard time pronouncing "figure") He'd like some of us to watch it too but it seems the majority of people are watching M1 instead (M-1 Grand Prix, an annual stand-up comedy competition programme)

"Damn, guess I can't beat M1 then ww"

Someone in the chat says they'd rather watch H1 🤭

Let's spend some time eating and talking together!

"'H1 is the only one for me', that's wonderful"

He's wearing deer antlers! 🦌

Apparently he went to Donki just to buy that one thing and he was so embarrassed, he should just have bought it online lol

"I'm not planning on being (online) very late tonight […] since lack of sleep weakens your immune system, I hope you all dress warmly and let's have a good time"

He wonders which one is more important, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? He thinks everything is more active on Christmas Day. Personally, he feels like Christmas Day is the main event

This month's drink: Sui Gin & Soda 500ml 🍺 (again)

He cut his hair recently!

He's had a make-up artist who has been doing his hair for him ever since Tsukista, but recently he's seen another one among his friends' photos on Twitter so he had him cut his hair for the first time instead

(It's not Miho-san, they're his stylist 🤫)

His hair tend to grow longer during the end of the year and New Year holidays

He likes this current length, it makes him feel the most comfortable

He's got a bit of a stuffy nose 🤧 He was feeling it a bit since yesterday evening, he doesn't know if it's the flu or not

≫ Christmas shopping and that old lady:

This month's snack #1: Family Mart roasted chicken 🍗

He wasn't able to get any of their fried chicken (definitely not on Christmas lol)

He went to Isetan (Jp department store) today and it was insanely crowded

He hasn't had anything to eat since morning so he's really hungry rn. It tastes like the chicken teriyaki he makes at home

He doesn't usually stuff his face with food on stream but he asks if it's okay today since it's Christmas

He wanted to eat something Christmassy so he went into Isetan today but there were so many people, he didn't feel like lining up, it was difficult to even walk around. There were so many queues, he didn't even know which one was for what

He was thinking of buying himself a fancy, slightly higher-quality cake for himself as a reward but then decided against it

There was an old lady wearing a flashy pink outfit (like Hayashiya Paako), he calls her an granny with an aura lol

It seems he got into her line of sight and then she called out to him - he didn't want to engage in conversation with her but he also wanted to help someone who might be in the slightest bit of trouble

He thought she kept calling out for him saying he looked good and he got so embarrassed when the surrounding people started looking too

Then he realized she was calling out to compliment his jumper/jacket (then he got even more embarrassed for misunderstanding)

She actually wanted to know where he got it from but he was simply too caught off guard that he wasn't able to give a proper answer

Note: It was this one (CROOKS&CASTLES PAISLEY AOP JACKET, 22 000￥)

Then again, he didn't want to tell her the brand of the jumper when there were so many people around him

He didn't think the clothes he was wearing were that much of a big deal compared to that "madam"

He got a Christmas cake at the konbini in the end

He's talking about how they used to sell Christmas cakes outside of the konbini and hand it out, then notes how they don't seem to do that in recent years (it might've be because of COVID) and how he misses it

Happy birthday to Kensuke and Ryousei 🎉

≫ Sushi talk:

This month's snack (?) #2: Sushi 🍣🍣

He wants to eat all of it already

He only orders sushi from places where he can buy the pieces separately

"But at this time of the year, the people who work part-time at convenience stores and the likes are really saving the world, and without them we wouldn't be able to fully enjoy Christmas"

He's calling for Hope but she's very sleepy

He feels like he gets drunk quickly if he drinks while eating

He thinks this is the fourth (or fifth?) year in a row he's doing Nakacha on Christmas Eve

His favourite sushi are shrimp, salmon and negitoro

He's glad we're all here for him to celebrate Christmas together 🥺

"Otherwise why whould I be getting these antlers? This chicken? This cake?"

When the store clerk asked him about chopsticks, he asked for two! (HE'S SO PATHETIC i love him)

He says it's a sensitive topic to ask for the number of chopsticks, especially during Christmas 🤣

If he asked for 700 for all his Chaba wives, that would've been a nuisance to the convenience store lol

He likes disposable chopsticks

Although he doesn't like when it's shiny, he tries to have some iwashi sushi with negi (thoughts: it tasted good)

During SRS22, there was a Sushiro and Hamazushi close-by (however he doesn't remember during which performance/city) and he went every day to each to try compare each sushi

People are asking in the comments if it was in Fukui but that wouldn't make sense since they only had performances for a single day so perhaps it was Fukuoka

He liked Hamazushi but when thinking of the sizes and variations of the ingredients, he liked Sushiro better in the end

He thought their servings were bigger and maybe it was because there was a fishing port nearby

Nvm this might have all been during rehearsals rather than the actual performances, he doesn't remember

Because of the circumstances at the time, the cast were only able to order for delivery (rather than eat out perhaps?) and while everyone had gotten their regular sized bento, Hiroki had ordered himself a huge family-sized one 😭 It was like the ones he eat during New Year's when he goes home to his family

He just wants to eat huge servings after rehearsals/performances (he even calls himself greedy)

At least he shared with the other cast members 😅 But he was too drunk to remember who he shared with

If he's going all in, he'd say he probably eats about 50 plates

For today, he's bought about 20-30 servings

Normally, he eats about 30 by himself

He often gets told he eats too much

Kurumu told him he had ordered far too much with that family set

He thinks sushi from the Sea of Japan is really delicious

He's feeling the alcohol and he's slipping into his home-alone persona where he both eats and drinks alot by himself (he's aware that he doesn't eat much when he's streaming)

≫ Kanji of the Year:

He asks if they've announced Kanji of the Year already or if it's revealed after Christmas (it's announced on December 12th every year; this year was 税 meaning "tax")

He's not criticizing but he thinks it's laughable

It's not a necessarily good word but it's the voice of the public

He asks Chaba for their kanji of the year

He's forgotten he did a play at the very beginning of the year (Lycoris Recoil)

He confuses the first kanji in the word 緩急 (kankyuu; high and low speed), also read as 緩い (yurui; lenient), with the second kanji in the word 平穏 (heion; calm), also read as 穏やか (odayaka; calm)

Sidenote: there's also the word 緩やか (yuruyaka; loose). Kanji is a nightmare y'all

He mentions that he's bought a new Apple Watch (he did buy a new one a few months back)

He's got an MacBook Air, not Pro

It seems he's got an issue with it cuz he cannot edit/process a video if he had to

He's decided that his kanji of the year is 緩 🎊

He wishes he had his sketchbook nearby so he could write it for us, instead someone in the chat suggest he writes on his shirt

The shirt he's wearing is completely new and he's wearing it for the first time

Since alot has happened since last summer (he knows he worried us all), he thinks it's nice for his kanji of the year to be akin to slow and steady

He's wearing an inner shirt altho it doesn't show well. It's apparently a stylish one with a quite deep neckline 🫣 He'd prefer for it to be a bit higher up than it is currently

We get a peek of his mole

Ah, necklace (iykyk)

He's suddenly striking a figure skating pose ⛸

He thinks kanji of the year should be more lighthearted

For this month's rollcall, he asks us to write our name and our chosen kanji for the year

He forgets if he usually does the rollcall before or after he cuts the stream

Happy birthday to everyone born in December! 🎉

And merry Christmas to everyone, even though some might still got work before the year ends and thus may not feel the Christmas mood yet

≫ Fuyu no Jin:

He's doing Fuyu no Jin on January 14th!

He wanted to do it earlier, like the 7th or 8th, but the studio wasn't available until then

He's doing it for the 4th time and so far he's had Ryouga, Kitaryo, and Gaku guesting the evening streams

This time's guest is Hayashi Mitsuaki

"I'm kind of interested in him in a very one-sided way, so I'd like to.. dig a little deeper into that, or maybe I'd like to.. find out the true nature of him as a person"

He's thankful he's coming despite his busy schedule

Again, he mentions that he thinks Mitsuaki is very similar to another certain actor (Menjo Kentaro) so he feels very close to him

Someone in the chat says they heard he mixed up the two of them

So although the livestream will be held in the middle of the month, he wants to wish us all a happy new year

He wants to include a kotatsu but he doesn't know where to get one

He wants it to feel like it's New Years

He wonders if it's about the same time as kagami biraki (it's not, that's on January 11th)

He keeps fumbling over his words and mixing up the dates 11/4 and 1/14 until someone in the chat says it's easier to remember it as "ii yo" (i from "ichi" and yo from "yon", 1 and 4)

"Like Pooh-san's friend, that pug. He's a pug, right, Eeyore?"

He's always thought he was a pug, not a donkey 😭

"Then it's a donkey that looks like a pug"

He thinks he might be getting drunk already. He's remembering that time he got really drunk on stream once or twice during COVID when his mental health was really affected (he somewhat remembers it as a "live broadcasting accident")

His manager had gotten in touch with him afterwards

He's gonna do a gaming livestream after this playing Only Down, however he's also got Exit 8 that he wants to try out. He acknowledges that he could have played it a long time ago but he doesn't feel like doing it when it's trending (same with Only Down)

Happy birthday to everyone born in December again 🎉

He's got a Christmas cake too! And an Ohagi fork 🦔🥺

The banner from his gaming channel is reflected in the fork ww

≫≫ 2nd part of the stream:

He's off to bring Hope-chan but instead he brings a stuffed toy that looks just like her (only that it's probably double her size lol) The toy looks like the one from Gelato Pique's toy poodle lineup from earlier this year

Also, he's wearing his flower pattern denim pants from Khoki (55 600¥)

He's got two strawberries for his Christmas cake and he doesn't know where to put them (he wants at least 4 of them but they're expensive)

He put it right in the middle, then tries to put the second one on top of the other one (spoiler: it fell off)

He says he used to lick the cream off the cake but he's an adult now so he won't do it

The cake has got both whipped cream, buttercream, and some type of fruits

He thinks he might be able to eat the whole thing by himself in one go - he's so far eaten a third of the cake

This is the first time he's eating so much in front of people

He's offering us the strawberry 🍓

He wanted to say it was sweet but it was actually sour 😖

"It was delicious because I got to eat it with everyone"

Bathroom break 🚾 In the meantime, he's setting up a game for us of who's on screen, Ho-chan or Bo-chan (where he's named the stuffed toy Bo-chan)

He's leaving Bo-chan in the middle of the screen before he leaves but then Hope runs up and down the couch as well!

Now that he's eaten something sweet, he feels like eating something salty as well so he's having some more sushi

He's reacting to Sakamoto Kaori's third consecutive victory in the figure skating championships since he's got the TV on in the background (he forgot to turn it off today so that's why it's still on)

He's asking about Asada Mao (even though she retired in 2017 already)

He's telling Hope to eat her biscuit since she appeared on stream (he calls it her "appearance fee" ww)

He doesn't think he could skate himself but he feels like he could spin around twice

He might not do hatsumode because of the insane crowds

Someone in the chat asks where he wants to go for his next solo travel - he's always wanted to go to Europe but he thinks it's probably expensive so he can't go (and he's got Hope)

He's gone to Huis Ten Bosch once before during his school days

He's currently popping bubblewrap that the strawberries came delivered in

He's showing off tricks with Hope 💕💞💓💕💞💓

This month's 2nd drink: Another Sui Gin & Soda 500ml 🍺 www

He's gonna have a hard time playing games after this lol

He's having a bite of ankimo sushi and it goes very well with gin (he particularly likes the ankimo that's like a hard block, not paste)

"In other words, [gin soda] is like Tanaka Ryousei in Toumyu - it goes with anything"

He's starting to feel full from eating kohada sushi as well

He wants to take a long bath after he finishes the gaming stream afterwards

When they celebrated the success of Suehirogari, he got to see Ryousei get super drunk and he was very cute. Hiroki got drunk too but Ryousei got drunk way before him. He was showing a side of himself that he usually doesn't show

Someone asks who the strongest drinker in the Toumyu cast is and he instantly says it's probably Sato Ryuuji. He once had a drinking competition with him and he got absolutely smashed at the end of it

Ryuuji can handle both whiskey and highball

Fujita Rei is also a strong drinker

Torigoe Yuuki is also on that list

Hiroki might rank himself as the second strongest drinker after all

He hasn't seen Haru-chan drink that often, nor spi

Kitazono Ryo drinks alot and gets instantly red in the face

Spi drinks sort of responsibly (like he's "thinking of the next day"), he's not a big drinker to begin with

Mokkun doesn't drink at all

He hasn't really drunk with Shoutarou so he doesn't know about him but he can probably hold his liquor pretty well

Since Hiroki drank the same amount as Ryuuji and lost so he has a strong impression of him

Mizue Kenta is pretty weak with alcohol

(He won't get any more into that because it's private)

Referring back to that 4 hour long livestream in August two years ago, he thinks he probably said some strange things and he doesn't get drunk like that very often (?)

He's hardly ever drunk Strong Zero

He was so drunk that time, he doesn't even remember it. Someone mentions he was drooling and he finds it embarrassing. It seems he doesn't even remember he was crying at the time

"'Do you remember crying?' I don't remember it. I don't remember crying, but I can kind of understand that I cried. Well, if I cried, I guess it was because I was drunk. I think it was probably a combination of lots of things. Maybe it wasn't the place to express that kind of thing [on livestream] but oh well"

He apologizes for making us all worry at that time 💔

He's glad he's making us happy by showing this side of him

Someone in the chat reminds him that he said earlier in the year he wanted to become a YouTuber and he laughs - he doesn't want to necessarily become a YouTuber but he wants to try doing YouTube

He doesn't want to do it for profit, but he doesn't feel able to do it yet since he currently hasn't accomplished what he previously promised everyone. Also because it's tough for him to do everything on his own, he probably won't do it for a while

Apparently it's very difficult to get a manager as a single person (compared to being affiliated with a whole agency, I'm assuming). Additionally, there aren't that many managers available for freelancers

As for getting Mitsuaki guesting on Fuyu no Jin, Hiroki had to send the request to his manager who then likewise wanted to get in touch with Hiroki's manager, he then had to tell them he had none and they were shocked 🤣 Afterwards, he was told that they had thought the request itself had definitely been written by some kind of organization/management and they couldn't believe it was written by a lone person - that's when he came to realize himself that over this past year, maybe he's starting to understand this whole thing as freelancer

(It's so nice to see him actually acknowledging his own growth 🥺)

"'Weren't you an idiot?' Well, I am an idiot but I've also probably got lots of moments when I'm not an idiot"

He thinks he still has a long way to grow, but thanks to all of Chaba, he is slowly growing up 🥺

"I think I've made up for the things that I lacked in, and I think I've made up for the things that are unique to me"

He feels like he's making progress 💖

He's making up a mental graph about people's strengths and weaknesses, speaking about plus and minus and percentage (idk what's going on)

"It's because I'm specialized* in myself, and my individuality is a positive thing. Whether you make your personality a negative or a positive thing is completely up to you" (he used the word 特化 "tokka" which directly translates to "speciality" but perhaps it should be translated in more of the sense of "knowing oneself best")

"It's thanks to all of you that made me think that way. My personality, who I am, and how I live my life is gradually changing and becoming richer thanks to all of you […] It's thanks to everyone that I'm even able to say things like that. I probably wouldn't have been able to do it by myself and my own circumstances, so in that regard I think to myself, 'I'm glad I got into this job'"

He reflects on how he used to say "someone like me" in a negative sense and how it made us all sad, so he's trying not to express himself by those words any longer. There are many moments when he still thinks about it, but he won't say it

This year has been the year for him to slowly start walking forward again since last year things happened that he had never experienced before

Little by little, he's starting to do the things he wants to do

He suddenly cuts himself off when he sees a commercial of Hanawa-kun from Chibi Maruko-chan on TV promoting a showerhead

He talks about oshi katsu and how to find a good balance for it in life 🥦

He believes he might have gotten off track in his career because he has ideas that are probably a little different from other people, but he just wants to give energy to everyone in his own way

He's doing it slow and steady, much like the kanji he chose for this year 🙌緩🙌

If he keeps talking about this, he feels like he's gonna end up saying something unnecessary (you can see his increased blinking like he does when he's about to cry 😭)

He still feels bad and regrets that 4 hour livestream that he "messed up"

He starts looking for how/when to sell tickets for Fuyu no Jin (the chat keeps telling him to do it another day since he's drunk atm)

Someone asks if he'll do a Valentine's event and he says he'd rather do White Day

His current production company doesn't have an opening for White Day at the moment, but another production company might do

He's been asked to do alot of things for next year 🤫 But there's been alot of clashing/overlapping which is what he hates the most

He's got things scheduled for January, February and March but he still doesn't know if any of it will happen

He downplays the praise when someone in the chat says it's because he's "super popular"

He'll probably have his Tensura visual shoot in a couple of days, he doesn't know if the others are done with it already

He won't push himself so he doesn't want us to push ourselves either

He probably won't be doing much for us in the first half of the year. But he thinks that's fine because in that case, we can choose to spend money on ourselves or our oshi, so he'll leave that decision to us

Someone in the chat says they're gonna run out of money since they'll attend their other oshis' plays and he says it's fine, it can't be helped

He's having some more cake 🍰 The whipped cream is dense, just the way he likes it

Then he briefly mentions the news about the Takashimaya cakes

He brings up the topic of someone who's said to reveal their true identity online but it was old news already apparently (it seems to have been a viral streamer account? idk tho). He was really curious about it even though he doesn't know who they were (half of the chat don't know what he's talking about, the other half are mentioning the fake Hiroki account that's been going around following Chaba accounts) Someone says it was Koume Dayu (Jp comedian)

(The chat is a mess at this point and no one seems to know what's going on, nor does Hiroki 🤣)

Someone says he's annoying when he's drunk lol

This month's rollcall: Hiroki Santa 🎅

"I think this year has been good for me, but really, without you guys, I wouldn't be able to do anything, so.. I wouldn't have any energy, you are all my battery.* You are all my Ochappa"

(*He said "gasoline" which is a common word for him to use, but I feel like it can be translated as a variety of things like gas, energy, battery, strength, juice - you get it. A source of energy)

It wouldn't be a complete Christmas livestream without the Santa toy he bought three years ago (!!)

Screenshot time!

It's a miracle that it even works still lol (it keeps walking but getting nowhere)

This man is a child at heart idk what else to say

(He's turned off the camera so now we're all stuck in the tea plantation with Santa singing on loop)

Followed by more technical difficulties cuz he didn't get Exit 8 to work

#and that's a wrap for 2023 folks #来年もよろしくねー #nakada hiroki #nakacha no ma #translation #my post

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windybit · 2 years ago

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Yo I know I haven’t been super active for the last three or so months and there’s like maybe 40 of you who follow me, but here’s my little update.

I was pretty sick for a couple months last semester with a lung issue, which meant I didn’t have a lot of extra energy between class and marching band. After that finally cleared up, I immediately caught a cold and was down and out for a few days right before Thanksgiving. Then your usual end of the semester BS, final exams and final projects, everything you could possibly have as an engineering major.

I went to Florida with the band immediately after the semester ended because the football team did well enough to go to a bowl game and had a blast! Then I came back to a cute little snowstorm and had to go through the hassle of contacting HR for work since I couldn’t come in for my shifts, and I got cheated out of ALL of my PTO. Put in a ticket to have it refunded because that wasn’t supposed to happen, and guess what. Still didn’t get it back :) Spent the rest of my break working to replenish my PTO, which I earn 4 minutes of for every hour I work, and trying to earn money to pay off that Christmas credit card bill.

I started my last semester of college a few weeks ago! And then immediately caught COVID (round two) and missed the entire second week of class (and the snow day that was right in the middle of it). But now I’m back at it, I’m managing class, work, and the rest of my time somewhat well, so I’ll be frequenting the back alleys of Tumblr once more.

ALSO I’ve decided to maybe try something new? I kind of arrange music sometimes (I’ve been doing it for several years now), and I think I’m decent at it? I worked up the courage to submit a piece for the band’s arrangement competition, and I got some compliments on it even though I didn’t win. So that was a confidence booster for me. But I was thinking maybe I could start posting some of the pieces I’ve done here? I do primarily video game music (I’ve done Pokemon, FNAF, Fire Emblem, and a handful of others), but I’ll basically do whatever slaps me in the face with inspiration. So yeah, I dunno, maybe I’ll start dropping an arrangement in here every once in a while, especially if any of you are interested in listening.

#sorry that got long #I just sort of realized I haven't been very active in a while #long post #this has been late nights with d #d's life crumbs

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nixs-thoughts · 2 years ago

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🕯️TW Death and Grief🕯️

This is going to be rambled so sorry in advance.

Growing up both my parents worked full time, which resulted in me spending a lot of time at my grandparents house. I didn't realize until much later what a role they played in my upbringing. I'm the middle cousin on my dads side of the family, so my two older cousins and I spent a lot of time together as kids, and most of that time was spent at my grandparents house.

My granddad got the name Grandy by my oldest cousin when she was learning to talk, and I guess it just stuck. Because he was always Grandy to me.

He passed away in October '22.

He's been sick for a long time, almost as long as I could remember. He had heart problems that required a few surgeries, and when I was about 7 I was pulled aside by my mum and made aware it was unlikely he would be around much longer.

He was though. He went on to live another 17 years.

Around 2020 he started to get sicker again though. He had problems breathing, and was put on oxygen 24/7. Covid was a big threat to him, so masks and distancing was necessary whenever I saw him from then on.

He caught an infection in December 2021. I travelled to see him around that time, but I decided to spend Christmas with my partners family, because we alternate and it was his year.

I thought I was ok with missing that Christmas with my family, but I regret it.

I knew even then he wasn't doing well. My nana was his caregiver, and with his declining state he was difficult to look after. She is one of the kindest and strongest women I know, and I am so blessed to have her in my life. She did everything for him, as well as everyone else.

I got a call in the morning in October 2022, that Grandy was admitted to hospital, and it wasn't looking good. My mum let me know she wouldn't blame me if I didn't want to travel, but gave me the option of coming up north with my aunt and cousin who live near by.

I'm so glad that I did. We spent more than 4 hours in traffic, in what should have been less that a 3 hour trip. It was a long weekend, the air conditioning was broken and traffic was crawling.

We talked about what was going on, and the possibility that he may not still be there by the time we arrived.

We made it to the hospital and were told he had spent most of the day asleep, he was heavily medicated and he wasn't making much sense, so not to expect much.

When my cousin and I walked into the room he sat up. The doctor was talking with my nana and aunts, they left the room to discuss and left me and my cousin with him.

I'm so grateful for that short time I got to spend with him in the hospital that day. It was painful, and although everybody else in the room shed some tears, I kept it together, I didn't want him to see me cry.

He was happy to see us, and he held our hands, we tried to keep his mood up by talking about the things he liked. His plants, garden and the birds he liked to feed.

We left shortly after.

He passed that night shortly before midnight.

My mum told me in the morning and at first, I didn't really know what to feel. I was sad. Especially for my nana, my aunts and uncle, and my dad. But I was also relieved in a sense.

I knew he wasn't suffering anymore. He wasn't in pain or struggling to breathe. My nana would finally be able to care for herself, instead of just him.

It took a few days before it hit me. And when it did I just sobbed. He was my grandfather, but he was also another father figure to me. He wasn't a perfect man, but he was a good man. And knowing I'd never get to see him again was an ache I was seemingly unprepared for.

I tried to stay strong for my family. Despite my anxiety and fear of public speaking I volunteered to speak at his funeral. My youngest cousin and I were the only ones that did.

After I had said what I needed to say, and I was able to sit back down on the bench in that hall, I finally let myself break. I did what I needed to do to make him proud, and my family proud.

Grief is a funny thing. It's been 3 months, and most of the time I feel ok about it. I can accept that he's gone, and I can accept that this is just the way it is.

But every now and then it sneaks up on me. And I find myself breaking down over small things. I entered 2023 sobbing in my bedroom, because this was the first year he would never get the chance to see. I'm sure I'll cry when we move into our new house, because he'll never get the chance to visit.

I guess grief never really goes away, you just find a way to live with it.

#grief #loss #tw death #death #grieving #rambles #ramblings #mini rant #healing

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stark-park · 5 months ago

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More in depth details for the surgery for anyone interested:

Who, how, & why?

My clinic provided a list of surgeons and their associated hospitals upon my request during my top surgery discussion. This was an up to date list of all surgeons available for NHS patients at the time.

While I searched the names (I only recognised 1), my twin noted down the travel time to each location.

I asked trans people I knew in person who their surgeries were with and how happy they were (and also any questions they asked/should have asked pre-op).

I then searched the surgeons' names on Tumblr, mainly looking through the blog of @ukftm as it is UK specific and they're really good at helping with queries, sharing people's stories and resources, etc.

I also searched the names on twitter. I had a look on tiktok and YouTube too but it was harder to find specifics for the surgeons themselves. It was also difficult as many people sharing their stories are skinnier and have smaller breasts so I had to really consider my weight.

Some surgeons' names had very few reviews which were negative too, so they were easy to discount. E.g. warning larger people that certain surgeons have a really low BMI limit or saying some teams were transphobic.

1 thing that's suggested is to find pictures of the results so you can see if you like them. I found this very difficult. There aren't many out there and there are even fewer that are going to look like your own body.

The top two people I ended up considering were Peter Kneeshaw and Andrew Mellington. Kneeshaw was the surgeon of a friend of a friend, so they were able to tell me their own account and with him and any suggestions. I also saw a number of positive reviews online. I emailed his team and waited. With Mellington, it was all online. Positive reviews on tumblr and twitter, as well as 1 person on twitter who shared pictures and replied to my queries with reassuring news, so that made me really happy. I emailed his team and waited.

I'm still waiting on Kneeshaw 😅 whereas Mellington's team were incredibly quick. I had answers within a few days I think.

So it was decided. I told my clinic I wanted Andy Mellington to be my surgeon please and thank you. That request was emailed April 2023. They ended up sending the referral August 2023.

Consult

I received a call early January 2024 from Mellington's team at Nuffield Health asking me to confirm I had sent the referral and was still interested. She apologised for the long wait which was nice of her. She then confirmed a date and time for a video call with Andy and that she would be sending me some forms to complete beforehand. I also needed to confirm my height and weight to them to ensure I came under the BMI limit of 35.

It was honestly such an odd evening. I was due to go back to martial arts after the Christmas hiatus but it was cancelled, I then received the phonecall and then went swimming. I was determined to get my weight down. My mum cried the whole phonecall, she's been so worried but she understands it's needed. I've never had any kind of hospital visit in my life so that was another thing playing in both our minds. Go big or go home I guess 😂

Anywho, the consult was booked for late Feb 2024. In preparation, I had to send them answers to a few medical questions like BMI, medication, COVID... Some basic things, it wasn't a long list. I also provided front and side pictures of my chest. (It was stated that the consult call wouldn't need me to remove my shirt as Andy would use my photos.) For me, I listed some questions of my own. My parents joined me on the call with Andy, mainly to calm their nerves that everything would be ok.

Andy introduced himself and his credentials, went through the notes and specifics about me and then asked how long I'd felt dysphoric about my chest/been trans. That caught me a little off guard as I didn't expect him to be asking that at this point in my journey but he was happy with my answer. I expect it was just to confirm what he'd been told already, possibly to understand me too.

He then talked about the surgery. Double masectomy. He confirmed that with my larger size that was the right option (only other options were to do with how nipples were placed back and cut lines). He also said it was very likely that I would have 1 long scar rather than 2 separate ones that would avoid a bulge in the middle of my chest. We all agreed that this sounded like a good idea. I expressed that we trusted his judgement, and my main goal was a flat chest.

He explained that there would be no drains and I would have dissolveable stitches. This info was music to my ears. I had been told this from my twitter encounter but he confirmed it. From vids etc online, I understood drains were the painful part, and the idea of staples was horrifying. So this was great.

I also expressed that I did NOT want to retain my nipples. This was a big decision I had thought about and discussed with my fam prior to the consult. I had looked through multiple YouTube and tiktok videos at people with no nips and their reasons. I also compared their chests to people with nips. In conclusion, I decided I didn't want them. I hate when my nipples show through my shirts, so if I don't have any, that won't ever have to occupy my mind again. Another reason was that they looked horrible in recovery and I didn't want to have to go through that. If I ever wanted nipples again, I would go for a tattoo.

Andy said if I changed my mind before the op that was fine. He couldn't find any photos of other patients with no nips but he had certainly done a few and they all looked fine. He reassured me that in his 100s of surgeries, he'd never once had a single nip fall off, if that was what worried me.

A few questions we discussed were:

surgery length (roughly 2.5 hours)

who would be in the theatre doing the cutting etc (only he sliced & diced)

anything I SHOULD and SHOULDNT be doing prior (no flights in months prior, apart from that, I was all good. If I could reduce my weight, that would be good, but I was actually pretty healthy so he was happy)

Any written instructions I would receive (I would receive some closer to the op date from his team)

Would we meet in person or have any other talks prior to surgery date (no, this was it, next time would be the day of! If there were any questions then please contact his team)

Are any revisions under NHS or would I need to pay (NHS)

Pre-Assessment

This was a phonecall about 2 weeks prior to my surgery date. The team confirmed my personal details and the operation I was scheduled for and then it was pretty much just going through medical history; do I have this disease, that disease, ever had this condition, ever had that medication, etc.

At the end I was told I needed blood samples taken and MRSA swabs. I was told on the phone to ask my GP to set this up and they told me no, so I went back to Nuffield team and they realised I actually had to go through them. They found my closest Nuffield hospital (1 hour away) and booked me in.

My blood did NOT want to leave but the nurse was lovely. She tried a couple times before having to ask a doctor to come draw blood, it ended up in my forearm as the crook of my arm and my hand didn't work. Had a bruise for a good week but it was worth it.

The swabs were to test for a skin disease. You gotta drop ya trousers and just run the swab along your crotch. The nurse will let you do this alone but I didn't know what I was doing so she just did it for me 😅

Sickness

So, my original date was late May. Very annoyingly I managed to contract laryngitis a couple weeks beforehand and it lasted a loooong time. I think there may have been some COVID tossed in there but who knows. The main thing is, I had a cough and my god that would have been murder on my chest. I called a week before my date and asked their advice, they said to call closer to the time. I called a couple days before saying I wouldn't be well enough. It was devastating and I cried but it was for the best, you need to be in the best shape you can. I was still coughing a month after so it definitely was the right decision.

I had a call with a new surgery date. I was hoping for sooner rather than later but I knew the summer was busy (I'd been told this back in March when May surgery was booked).

Late August was my new date. It was longer than I'd hoped but it was still on the table! Still happening! I did however, request to be put on a list for cancellations in the hopes that I might get in sooner.

I got in sooner 😁 someone had to cancel, for whatever reason, and my new surgery date was late July. This was confirmed mid June so I still had time to wait, but not as long as August!

I had another pre-assessment call, it was very quick with her asking if anything had changed and noting that my bloods and swabs came back fine and were still good to be used (apparently they're fine for about 3 months).

Surgery

Andy and his team are based in Brighton which is a good 4 hours ish drive for us. I took my parents and twin with me. We travelled up the day before I was due in and stayed in the Malmaison Hotel for a few days after too. I recommend the hotel, the food was good, the staff were nice, the place was clean and comfy. Free parking close by and it was a quick and easy trip to and from Nuffield hospital. The boardwalk with a bunch of places are close and easy to get to. I recommend the Aydo. Very nice Turkish food, very friendly staff and very close to the hotel so not far to walk after surgery.

I was due to go into hospital 7am. I got a call 7pm the night before being cryptic about admission, but I eventually got through and they told me to come in between 9 and 10 instead. I woke up early so I could get some water into my system. You have to stop eating 6 hours before and stop drinking 2 hours before admission. You have have to have a shower prior to admission and use simple, non-fragranced soap.

We got there about 9am. Sat outside in the sun for a lil while before remembering I didn't want to be dehydrated so waited inside. Staff were all friendly and helpful.

I was allowed 1 person to wait with me pre-op. (I thought I'd be allowed 2 but it was fine. My mum asked if I wanted her to go with me as if the answer was ever gonna be no!) Was then told that 2 visitors were allowed afterwards and they couldn't be changed so I told my twin to join us after (they will be getting top surgery too so it would be good for them to see and also they're a funny lil shit so would help regulate my mum's emotions 😅)

Got to my room about 10am and from there it all went very quick. We waited about half an hour before the physio visited, then catering, the nurse, then the anesthetist, and then finally Andy Mellington himself came in.

Physio - gave me a sheet with exercises on to do post-op. Told me not to do too much but to try regain strength etc. also had contact details on.

Catering - chose dinner, sandwich, drinks, breakfast. I chose quickly which was a shame cos if I'd had the menu beforehand it would've been better.

Nurse - he was great. So funny. Put me at ease while going through a bunch of medical questions. He also showed me the gown, socks etc and when I should put them on. At this point I mentioned I was menstruating and he said I could keep my own underwear on if I wanted.

Anesthetist - again, very nice. Told me what role he'd play and when I'd next see him. He did say that my throat could be a lil sore as during the surgery an oxygen tube is put in my throat and is taken out when I’m waking up, but people rarely notice it.

Surgeon - I'd changed into my gown, still had my shorts on. He said hello, got me to sign some consent papers and explained some more things. He then shut the blinds, closed the door and told my mum to go outside for a short while. This was so I could remove the gown and he could start his artwork.

He asked if it was ok to take before and after photos for his portfolio. I said yes. He does NOT get your face in, it's just the torso. Then he began drawing on my chest. It was quite funny, I felt like a canvas. Once it was all done, I put the gown back on, mum came back in, and it wasn't long until it was time for me to go to theatre.

I walked to the theatre with my nurse and a porter. Met the anesthetist and his assistant and hopped onto the bed. Nurse offered to stay with me until I fell asleep but I wasn't bothered so he left after he put a blanket over my bottom half. Anesthetists explained everything they were doing: put a cannula in my hand, it's like when you get a blood test with a needle going in. It hurts for a short moment, I coulda said fuck but I opted for a very classy "hoo wah ooh wah oh my god". He said during surgery there would be another needle going into my hand but I wouldn’t know (just something I might notice afterwards). We then just chatted until I fell asleep.

Recovery

I woke up later, it had been about 4 hours. Apparently I spent an hour or so in the recovery room, which I woke up in. I felt a lot of pain in the middle of my chest, like someone had cut vertically down it (not like the horizontal scar I inevitably had). A nurse gave me some drugs from a squirty syringe which helped a bit then I was wheeled back to my room.

My head was very woozy. I was very tired. I heard the nurse with my mum and twin before I saw em. They stayed right up until they had to go (2-8pm visiting hours). I went through moments of being able to talk easily, to feeling very woozy, to having to focus on catching my breath.

I also had some vibrating cuffs around my calves which kept the blood flowing, however this did add to making me feel warmer.

Dinner came at 6-ish. I ate 1 chip and the warmth overwhelmed me. It was a very warm day anyway, and as soon as the chip went down I could feel it was gonna come back up. My mum was quick and honestly should have a medal for her catching skills, not a drop was spilt when I vomited. Unfortunately she did have to use the metal food cover so uh... It couldn't really go back on the food.

I was also told around this time, when my head was a lil clearer, not to worry about any stains on my gown or chest, it was just iodine and leftover pen. My twin was concerned about the iodine when they first saw me cos it does look like blood and they didn’t want me to panic.

A lil while later we decided it best I get up while they were still visiting. I peed and then threw up again (3 times 👀). This time we had some sick bowls and again my mum was gold medal catcher. It felt a lot better after that. It was mainly just drugs coming out of my system. You should have a fan in your room and it was such a godsend. I had it on the whole time I was in the hospital, minus maybe the 2 hours I came back after surgery.

I went to sleep for a few hours and was woken up by a nurse coming in to take my blood pressure, and another coming with some drugs. You should expect a nurse to come every hour or so to take your blood pressure. Mine got quite low. I suggested eating something so they went and found my sandwich (it had been set aside for me). It came with a tiny salad and I've never made cucumber last as long as it did then.

My advice: do everything incredibly slow so your body has time to react before you do more.

I was very surprised that the pain was very minimal. At one point I woke up from a nap and there was no pain whatsoever. It was amazing.

I realised a bit too late that I wasn't going to be able to stomach the breakfast I'd chosen but it was too late for it to be changed. Luckily there was fresh fruit coming with it that I'd asked for and omg it was so good. I also managed to keep my dessert from the night before (a brownie) and so had that for breakfast too. There was about 3 times where someone came in to take my tray and were told no 😅 like I said, I was very slow.

Andy came in about 8:30am to see how I was doing. I was awake and doing well. He removed my binder and gamgee (1 big wad of padding that goes in between the binder and chest). He was very impressed and showed me he had done what we’d expected; 1 long scar. He said I was doing really well, there was little bruising or swelling and my chest was laying nicely flat. I said thank you. I think that’s the last time I will see or speak to him. Changed my life and we only spoke for a couple of hours. Crazy.

I was then visited by his assistant (Kirsty). She’s the person who rings prior to admission as well, just as a last minute check (have you got your binder? any questions? admin time is xyz etc.) so I was expecting her visit. She is also the person you speak with at your 2 week post-op call/visit. Andy had said that morning that with how well it looked, the fact I had no nips to worry about, and the length of travel, that it would be fine if I had a video call rather than come back in person. Kirsty confirmed that the call would only be 30 minutes and if Andy had recommended video call then she was fine with that too. The call would mainly be about taking off the tape, inspecting my scars for the first time, and making sure I knew how to care for them now. It will also be when the binder can come off! She also explained what I should expect to take home with me; spare gamgee, tape.

Before you leave, make sure to ask your nurse for your sick note. 4 weeks is the norm apparently, this can be reduced or extended in discussions at your 2 week post-op appointment. My mum also asked the nurse how much my breasts weighed and he went and found out. Safe to say I dropped a few pounds!

General advice:

Get a long charging lead, mine was 3m I think. I didn’t have to worry about my phone dying once and was able to just hook the lead over my bed when not using it.

I found having calm music on very useful so make sure to have already curated a good playlist. I had the fan going on all night but I needed that extra bit of soothing. When I didn’t have that on, I found youtube really useful (someone playing a game and talking through the whole thing makes me sleepy).

It was my first time in hospital and feeling in a vulnerable position, so if like me you’ve never experienced that, I assure you there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. The nurses and staff have seen everything and they allow you your privacy when you need it (like closing the toilet door but waiting the other side in case you need help). They won’t get annoyed at you for calling for help or asking questions.

Make sure to have plenty of pillows on your trip home so you can be as comfortable as you can. A neck pillow may help as you don’t want to be twisting.

Your back will hurt. Mine was bad after travelling all day but it has been alright since.

I'VE JUST HAD TOP SURGERY! OMG! Can't believe it finally happened!

If anyone's curious, here's the timeline of my journey so far:

Referral to gender clinic sent via NHS England: April 2019

East of England gender clinic called: Jan 2022

Had 4-5 calls with clinic: Jan 2022 - May 2024

Jan 2022 = 1st call to take me off Tavistock list and onto EoE list. 2nd call week later to talk with them about myself, dysphoria, how long felt trans, where I fall on trans scale and how I see my gender, and most importantly: what I want from them, etc

Later 2022 = 3rd call that went through same things as 2nd but with a different person so they could compare notes and confirm gender dysphoria/incongruence diagnosis.

In both calls with the clinic, I expressed that my main dysphoria was with my chest and the thought of going on hormones beforehand would exacerbate feelings so I wanted to pursue top surgery (removal of breasts) first.

In both calls, I was asked if I had socially transitioned, who I'd told, how it made me feel, and experience that affirmed this was the correct path for me, etc. I had come out to my work as non-binary with a shortened version of my birth name. I knew this was temporary until I took the plunge and changed my name (ADHD procrastination is a bitch 😂)

August 2022 = I socially changed my name and confirmed the pronouns I'd like to be called. It didn't really come as a shock to anyone tbh, which was good. I think this was before my 3rd call with clinic, so I was able to tell them my new name.

Feb 2023 = I legally changed my name (big up the ADHD procrastination and finally the impulse to just DO IT!). I did this via Deedpoll and had 2 colleagues/friends sign as witnesses. I chose them as they had easy to understand jobs so would look more official than unemployed or self-owned company person.

March 2023 (I think) = I had my 4th call with the clinic, this was specifically for top surgery. They asked me about what kind I wanted, who/where I wanted to go with, if I understood the risks etc. I answered all bar who/where as I didn't have anyone bar really old names that I'd seen from YouTube. I asked them to send me a list so I could choose.

April 2023 = I chose My Andrew (Andy) Mellington at Nuffield Health in Brighton as my surgeon. I'm considered obese so I wanted a realistic BMI goal. Most wanted a BMI of 30 so I didn't even look at them (this was based off comments I'd see on social media, with some people saying a few surgeons weren't very nice), whereas his, and Mr Kneeshaw (I think) accepted a limit of 35 BMI. This was far more attainable for me. I did email them both (details on their websites to info emails can be found easily) and enquired. Mellington's team came back to me the next day asking me to send questions to a specific person, they then came back very quickly (same/next day). I'm still yet to hear back from Kneeshaw 😂 (a friend of a friend went with him which is why I considered him, but Mellington was quicker, had good reviews on social media and I was able to find someone who had my body shape, pictures, and replied to me! So that consolidated my decision.)

Aug 2023 = official referral from EoE gender clinic was sent to Nuffield requesting Mellington to take me on.

Nuffield team called me to confirm consultation date: early January 2024

At this point the team also sent a short form for me to fill in and requested pictures of my chest

Consult with Andy Mellington: late Feb 2024

I didn't expect him to talk about much of my trans experience tbh but he did ask a little (how long felt like this, how did you know etc.) before he then ran through what I requested and what I should expect

I asked for double masectomy. Due to my weight and size of breasts, this was 1 of a few options. Andy said looking at my chest pictures, it's likely my scars would be so close in the middle that to achieve a flatter chest, 1 long scar was gonna be best to avoid leaving a bulge in the middle.

I chose not to have nipples grafted. This was for a few reasons. 1. I don't like when I can see them through my shirt (big dysphoria). 2. I've watched a lot of vids of trans people's recovery and the nips are the grossest (they get removed and reattached so healing is a bit longer/itchier etc than just the main scar). 3. Someone said they were scared of scratching them off and uh...yeah that didn't help. 4. I saw vids of other people with no nips and it looked fine, there's gonna be a big ol' scar on ya chest so it's not like there's nothing to look at.

Andy did reassure that he's never had any nipples fall off of his patients, if that's what I was worried about too. But honestly, I just don't want them. And if I decide later that I want something there, then I could choose to get them tattooed on.

Nuffield team called to confirm surgery date: mid-March 2024

Date of surgery: 30th May 2024

Pre-assessment call 14th May 2024

Call from Nuffield team. Went through medical history and confirmed what needed to be done about getting bloods taken

Pre-assessment appointment: 21st May 2024

Went to my nearest Nuffield hospital (1 hour away) and had blood taken and MRSA swabs. Team were really nice and welcoming.

I got ill for a month and half so had to reschedule my surgery 😭: May 17th 2024

It was rescheduled: late Aug 24 but I asked to be kept on the list if anyone else cancelled, I was then re-rescheduled for late July 2024

And now, it's August! It's done!

In morning of July date, discharged the next morning.

2 week post-op meeting with Nuffield team will come. I will be able to take my binder off, they will check my scars. Expected to be about 30 minutes, can be in person or virtual (I was advised virtual is absolutely fine as I live far away, Andy was happy with results and no nips meant better recovery).

Then I have a gender clinic appointment expected around April 2025 to possible talk hormones.

It's been a long time to wait, and that's without all the dysphoria that comes with living in the wrong body for so long, but my god am I so relieved right now. It's (pun fully intended) such a weight off my chest!

#stark life #trans #ftm #top surgery #transgender #nuffield health #andrew mellington #trans uk #andy mellington #trans journey #double mastectomy

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