#guess which idiot totally forgot to add a link :////

[kaz-oooo]

Going back to my roots for today’s Novem-bur fic and doing some classic DSMP :)

In short Revivebur (begrudgingly) babysits Michael… it goes better than you’d expect.

(Tags under cut)

[normal-thoughts-official]

Umm what are your thoughts on Magnus thinking Raphael doesn't need him anymore

Y̴̖̳̏͐̓͝͝͝O̴͉͔̪͙͎͌̋̊̽̚Ü̴̦ ̵̡̧͍̙͎̤̓͜F̵̺̹̼̫̳̻̖̓̈́̎Ơ̵͈̟̘̼̲O̴̤̻̭̻̟̺̖͗̆͌͒͆͊͂L̴̨͚̝̟̙̥͆̏. you absolute idiot. my thoughts on magnus thinking raphael doesn't need him anymore??????????????? C̶̨̛̖̘̜̟̪̱͗̈́̓̑̋͛́̽͛̃̑̈́Ą̵̢̣͕̥͚̩͔̗̤͙̺͝ͅN̷̢̜͇̪͖̫͓̦̟̰͎͈̫͔̹͌̓̏̐̔̊̽͝ͅ'̵̩͇͐̅͌͋̕T̵̡̡̼̰̼̯͇̝̗̼̫̝̺̝͖͑̀̒͛̈͘͜ͅ ̷̧̘̬͕̯̘͇̹̳͔̑̓͜Y̷̨̥̙̻̣̯̦̓̏̏̂̒͐̕Ơ̸̭͔̤̤̮̙͇͙͇͙̩͐̌̂̈́̐̇̌̌̕̚͝U̴̢̡͙͕̖̥̗̔̿̒̓̉̓͌ͅ ̶̺͚̯͙̘̦̻͚͒͒̍͗̌̚͜͠S̶��̢̉́̋̈́́Ȩ̵̪͚̹͉͉͉̼̱͖̏ͅĘ̶̛̞̣͚̲̳̻̪̤̲͎̳̠̻̎̊̽̀̉̑͝ ̴̧̛̫͖͍̺͙͓͈̹͕͛͊͊̓͋̄͑͗̉͆͠͝T̵̡͍̱͍̙͈̞͍̪̭͌̄͂̎͑͂Ḩ̴̧̫̪͖̫̞̞̀̔̾̿̃͗̋͐̌͊̀̕̚È̴̢̨͓̞̠̲̱̠͉̾̀ ̴̢͇͈̣͙̝̭͔̰͔̫̦̈́̀͘Ṁ̶̡͓̖̭̩̱̗̗̘̯̖̹͖̳̭̙̺͋͐̈Ḭ̷̢̧̢͔̙̪̣̞̣͙̘̑͌̈́̐̾̅̆́̆̑̃͋͒͒̎͠Ş̵̱̘̰͓̫̦̺͚̙̹͚̗͎̭̠͆̀̏͐͋͗̈́T̷̢̡̡̛̪̝̟̻̠̼̦̦̰̦̗͓̣͌̌̐̋͊̐̔͛̕Ą̵͔͉̜̪̦͓̗̤͇͖̘͓̱̰̜̈͒̍̊͂ͅK̵̛͈̜̱͉̜̖͈̈́́̒̀̐͒́̂̔͆̾̏̂͂̕̕E̸̡͓̣̪̮͉̮̻̹̰̒́̾̋ ̴̡̮̝̝͇̫̮̭̞̦̘̙̥̥̗͒̿͝ͅY̷̡̨͙̝̰̗̗̫͛́̕͜͠͝Ō̵̬Ų̶̡̖̗͙̞̲̺͖̣͉̜̿́͒͆́̏̚͠ͅ'̵̮̭̗̙̘̰͍̥̣̪̩̖̦͂̀̋̆̓̉́̅͜R̸̼̤͙̞͚̼̤͆͛͌̄̈́̑͘Ê̸̡̢̩̳̤͙̳̘̲̞̦̳̻̩̔̐̄͐̑̒̿̒̽̈́̌͒̏̚ ̷̛̮̂̈̽̄̇̆̍̄͂̋̒͛͝͝͝M̶̧̢̛͙̮̣͎̮͍̝̪͔͎̘͔̐̊͐̄̃́̄̄͋̆̕͜͝A̵̧̮̙͖͓̭̯̘̪̿͊̌̉̆̄̈́̾̅́͆͋́̾̓͝K̸̘̩̯̼̣͍̠̝͈̤̮̝̻̬̿̈́Ǐ̶͖̹͈̫͙̀͛̀̆͆͊̿͘̕͝Ṋ̸̨̨̗̰͖̳̝͉͑̏̀̀́̂͗͌̽̈G̸̢̰̟̜͎̪̬̞̲͔̘͍̋̆. not only is this one of my favorite angsts ever, nay! you just posted self promo bait!!! i have a whole ass fic about it (link). and you know what the worst part is???? im gonna make a huge ass answer to your question anyway!!!! do you understand how naive you were now??? do you have any idea what you have unleashed?????

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok. so i think the saddest part about this is magnus' assumption that like... if he isn't useful, he isn't desirable. which we know is 100% how magnus rolls (therapy-needing icon) and would particularly ring true in raphael's case because like... magnus took raphael in when raphael was at his lowest. their relationship was started off by the fact that raphael needed him. and that makes it even harder for magnus to shake that feeling off

like, don't misquote me, it's not raphael's fault and that is not how he sees magnus at all. and i don't think magnus singlehandedly saved raphael or whatever; raphael had to build his own network of ppl and resources to get over his addiction and get back on his feet and build himself back together, as anyone does. no one can carry a burden as big as singlehandedly taking care of any one person, nevermind one in the state rapha was in. but the fact remains: raphael and magnus met when raphael was at his lowest, and they built their relationship because magnus helped him

and magnus knows raphael's got this whole repentance thing going on, he knows that raphael feels like a monster and a burden and like his debt to magnus is unmeasurable. and that makes him second-guess everything about their relationship, imo, because like... raphael probably feels like he has to keep magnus company, he has to do as he says or whatever, because he has a debt

and to some extent it's nice that magnus is like... aware of that imbalance, which is inherent to that situation, but then i think it becomes pretty much... being convinced that raphael doesn't like him and only puts up with him because he has to since he owes magnus

and when magnus "adopted" rapha, magnus was at a particular fragile point. i'm pretty sure rapha was the first person magnus ever let into his life, fully, enough to really know him and his insecurities and his true self, after camille. his other friends - catarina, dot, ragnor, elias - all knew him from before. and we know how after camille magnus locked his heart; yes, he was referring to romantic relationships, but when you are constantly afraid of falling in love with someone in case they will abuse you, you can't fully build platonic relationships either, because there is that wall that is there, a certain level of intimacy that you won't allow yourself

and with that i don't mean that romantic relationships are inherently more intimate or deeper than platonic ones! i mean that to build any sort of intimate relationship, romantic or platonic, you need to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and magnus was obviously not allowing himself that, because he was scared of being vulnerable after it was used so viciously against him the last time he opened up his heart

but magnus is still too caring of a person to leave someone in a state as bad as raphael's - no sire, battling addiction, alone in the streets, probably no knowledge of the shadow world (this is probably where i should add my mandatory disclaimer that i'm not following book canon and i don't care how it went there, i'm talking about the show), no clan, no family, basically no one - alone, so of course he's gonna bring him in for a night and feed him and try to find a way to help him

but then you add to that two facts: 1- magnus is hopelessly affection and touch-starved and desperately needs company; 2- there is not many places raphael can actually go to

so of course magnus lets raphael stay. and it's for his own sake as much as it is for his, because again, magnus is starved, and he is at a point of his recovery where he needs to let people in, even if it's slowly and in a relatively safe situation - like, what can raphael do to hurt him? okay, there's a few things, but still. it's just easier to let yourself be vulnerable when the person you're allowing to see it is someone you've seen equally as or even more vulnerable. especially if they have no connections to people you know, as it is in rapha's case

PLUS, he empathises. i've said it before and i'll say it again, raphael and magnus have so much in common. from background (immigrants, brown, downworlders, one is bi the other is ace which are two groups known for their ties and solidarity with each other, trans if you go by my headcanons which i will because this is my blog and i do what i want) to coping mechanisms (both clearly deal with their problems on their own and try to avoid letting other people help them as much as they can, even if in very different ways - magnus creates a persona so he can be surrounded by people and not let them in too close whereas raphael doesn't let them get close from the get-go), to some of their personal psychological issues (this unbearable responsibility they carry on their shoulders, like everything and everyone is dependant on them and it is on them personally to help everyone they find: see raphael and how involved he got with simon and the way he talked about the other vampires/the clan even before he became clan leader, and magnus and Literally Everyone That Came Into His Path; the feelings of monstrosity they both feel due to their downworlder status and their past; the guilt; the self sacrificial/giving til it hurts tendencies; etc), to a few personality traits (similar sense of humor, both natural leaders, both pretty bold in their own ways; they also have many differences in personality but they are quite compatible/similar in other ways as well).... i could go on. i'm not saying they are Literally The Same Character (that'd be bad writing anyway, and there are notable differences such as raphael being way more recluse than magnus, their different moral codes, etc.) but there is a lot in common, which results in a nice dynamic in which:

they have fun with each other (think "because you're totally unbiased"; that was clearly a tease, neither of them were really upset by it, raphael looked at magnus expectantly like he expected magnus to laugh and magnus just glared at him in a clearly playful way)

they care for each other deeply (think every interaction we got between them or that included them talking about each other to a third person lmao i think this one is undeniable)

they trust each other incredibly (think raphael being tortured and going to magnus before he went to his own clan, then staying at his house, he obviously feels comfortable and safe there more than anywhere else including his own supposed home; and i wish we had gotten to see more of raphael taking care of magnus as well but of course the writers always forgot magnus had friends and family beyond shadowhunters lmao, but still, i think it's undeniable that the trust goes both ways because of the sheer difference in the way magnus treated raphael as opposed to other people who came for his help, including downworlders like simon)

they are openly affectionate with each other in a way they aren't with most people (think them hugging or the way magnus casually touched raphael's face like it was perfectly normal. that is like, the only s3 raphael scene i claim lmao)

hmmm where was i going with this. man i should really get checked for ADHD or whatever

RIGHT they built a nice relationship. which magnus craved!!! he really really needed someone he could be affectionate with, someone he could trust, someone he had fun with! and again, it's not that he didn't have that, but it was the first time he was building a relationship like this again from scratch after camille. plus, i'm sure camille pushed him away from his friends because that's what abusers do, and i'm sure magnus also pushed them away to some extent because again, being vulnerable was hard. but with raphael there was no escaping it. like, he was living at magnus' house

and he needed that! and i think raphael and their relationship had such an important catalyst role in magnus' recovery from camille. not that raphael saved him - again, that's not even possible - but the way their relationship was constructed was essential for magnus to start opening up again. without it i really doubt it would have been possible for him to open up to alec, and i think their relationship and history is extremely overlooked and underrated by the fandom

but like... the fact that he was in such a vulnerable emotional state to begin with, plus the fact that their relationship was kickstarted by the fact that raphael needed him, will obviously lead to him thinking that raphael only puts up with him or whatever because he needs him/feels indebted (because magnus knows at this point that raphael is not the kind to use people, but he also knows that raphael already acts like his mere presence in the world is something he has to make up for it's the catholicism so of course he's gonna feel like he needs to make up for magnus for such a huge gesture. anyone who's not an asshole would, but like, particularly raphael). cue magnus like, probably feeling guilty for getting so attached to raphael because he's an idiot

and like of course raphael feels indebted and grateful but he also does genuinely in fact like magnus (for all the reasons listed above) and also like, he did in fact also need more connections, he had just lost all of his previous ones. but most importantly he does care for magnus and loves him immensely even beyond all that magnus did for him. and he does see magnus as a person and knows about his struggles and vulnerabilities because it's impossible not to when you live/have lived together, and he just... cares and empathises

but also raphael obviously thinks he's a burden to magnus because duh, and i don't think magnus ever really told raphael how much taking raphael in helped him, how much it meant to him and his recovery, how he was doing it for himself as much as he was doing it for rapha, because 1- he's scared of being so open and vulnerable; 2- he's scared of making raphael feel even more guilty; 3- he's stupid and i think part of him assumed it went without saying

like he was always so openly affectionate with raphael (maybe even too much in his eyes, maybe he was scared of being too attached, putting too much on his shoulders, it's not this traumatized kid's job to deal with his issues for fuck's sake) and magnus has always worn his heart in his sleeve and he feels everything so deeply i think he sometimes forgets that it's not actually plain for everyone to see and feel. particularly not non-warlocks, since it's kinda implied that warlocks have some level of sensitivity to each other going on. plus raphael is autistic af so he can't tell what magnus is feeling if magnus doesn't fucking say it, and he has a terminally low self esteem that i assume would be even lower by that point (due to, you know... the general shitshow state his life was in), so of course he doesn't assume he's as important to magnus as magnus is to him, particularly not when he is literally burdening him (in raphael's eyes). so he thinks it's obvious but it's Really Not

so we have like a lot of misunderstanding angst with both of them wanting to get closer but thinking they are imposing on the other and pulling away, and both of them taking the other pulling away as a sign that they aren't comfortable and aaaa

so like i think that rapha would mention moving out so he can get out of magnus' hair, and magnus is all crestfallen because he's so not ready to be alone at home again, but he can't be selfish and hold the kid back just because he has shit he needs to deal with, right? it's not fair

and then like lowkey spiralling afraid that after that he's going to be alone again and raphael won't want to see him anymore, or worse, that he'll force himself to out of pity or guilt, and magnus will just be a chore to him

and raphael feeling like magnus wants to get rid of him and will want him out of his hair and aaaaaaaaaaa

and magnus of course is all put together and excited about it, "yes, my boy, don't worry, i'll help you move" and playfully tilting his head and being all excited and getting into chop-chop mode because as long as he can make himself useful he can avoid thinking about how he's gonna be alone again. and rapha of course taking this as magnus being eager for him to leave

and just doijasiodjasoij they're IDIOTS. i think this would be more or less resolved by raphael because at the very least he has to thank magnus for everything he's done and tell magnus that he means so much to him, that he'll always be thankful. and magnus again is all put together, all "it was nothing, my boy" but rapha pulls him into a hug and suddenly they are Not Letting Each Other Go. like it's tight and maybe they're both shaking a little because Badly Repressed Emotions and they're just. so unwilling to let each other go for what they feel like will be forever because they are sad and dramatic. and raphael even wonders for a second if he's like, super strengthing magnus into the hug by accident, but even when he tries to let go magnus doesn't even notice and is still hugging him tight, so he's like. okay. guess i can stay for a little longer then. and keeps hugging him

and lol i have half a mind to be like "and then raphael ends up staying because neither of them actually wants raphael to leave so what's the point" and actually i think i might be going this route for this particular hc. but of course eventually raphael does leave because you know... kids grow up and all daihdsaioj and i think that they still have some things to resolve, particularly from magnus' side? i think raphael is more in touch with him than the other way around, even if mostly we've seen him coming to magnus for help, but like... that trust is there, you know, and we didn't see a lot of the opposite

i know s3 raphael was fake anyway but like i imagine him finding out that magnus lost his magic and he had no idea or that he lost his home and being like "why didn't you ask for my help?? our help??" because you know all his other friends would have wanted to help him out too, and magnus is just. he doesn't want to be a burden. he feels like if he is, he's going to lose anyone. he needs to be there for them

and it's so much bullshit of course and raphael is pissed - not at magnus, he couldn't be mad at him, but just pissed in general. and he draws magnus in for a hug and tells him that he can always come to raphael, whenever he needs, and raphael will drop everything to help him. the clan is doing okay (especially post-valentine and impending doom and all, you know, they can take care of themselves lmao. like look of course raphael is a very involved leader but you get what i mean, they won't die if he goes help magnus with something) and he has second-in-commands he trusts anyway. and he doesn't want magnus to hide his problems for him and not come for his help and aaa

just.... rapha being like "you think i wouldn't do anything i could for you? anything to make sure you're alright?" and magnus being like "you don't have to" and raphael going, "you didn't have to do it for me either. but you did" "you don't owe me anything" "i do, but this is not about that. magnus, you're my family" and magnus tearing up because it is so immense to him to be someone's family, something he almost can't grasp

and magnus slowly learning that no, raphael doesn't need him, but that's not important because he wants magnus in his life anyway. and they can always rely on each other, no matter what, even if they aren't dependant on each other - and that is a good thing :)

[lit--bitch]

Current-Reads (20/04/2020 - 26/04/2020) 🍓🐢

(Disclosure: I don’t know anybody I’ve been currently reading this week. 😊)

Adding the preface again here: every Sunday without fail I throw up the freshest literature and photography I’ve read over the week, sometimes it’s a book, sometimes it’s a piece I saw in a magazine or an online zine, sometimes it’s something I saw on social media, etc. Sometimes I add ‘RECOMMEND’ next to a few of the titles, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend all of them, I just love some pieces more than others. Not everything will be everybody’s cup of tea, yanno, c’est la vie. And any titles that you see in bold are hyperlinked so if you click or tap them they’ll direct you straight to the source… or shopping basket. 

This week I’m gonna throw in a red herring and tell you about something I’ve been watching as well as what I’ve been reading, because I think it’s really cool and definitely appropriate for the age we’re living in at the moment. 

So I’ve been reading: Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) which was edited by her son, David. I also read an interview on Granta from March between Rachel Long and Morgan Parker. I’ve also tucked into a couple pieces on Fence, Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’ and Anthony Michael Morena’s ‘The Whale’. I also saw Cecelia Knapp’s poem in Bath Magg Issue Three (but the whole issue is an absolute smacker, it’s great). Last but not least, I’m up to episode 5 of a brand new thing called The Midnight Gospel. It is crazy good. And it’s on Netflix right now. 

***

Cecilia Knapp, ‘I Used To Eat KFC Zingers Without Hating Myself’, Bath Magg Issue #3: I really loved the whole of Issue Three, I guess I was quite struck by this particular poem for its “staccato-ness”. This poem is buttered with present-day references. But they’re not necessarily about creating a familiar environment. Rather the object of familiarity is found within the assemblage of places, snacks and thoughts, all of which compound the grief ‘I’ is experiencing. The ‘I’ ruminates on life’s banality and their personal insecurities in living banality: ‘I need a thigh gap. I use emojis / to avoid conflict. Worry I’m a gentrifier. Watch docs about murdered women’. The vapidity is funny. The pain is not. The insecurities deepen. Your body, your life, continues the ache of day-to-day routine, and finds no resolution in the things which may or may not stand to comfort oneself when ravaged by loss. The poem feels quite loose, and disinterested. It’s a sore poem, but its array of references make it colourful. It sort of reminded me of Édouard Levé’s work a little bit? But if Édouard Levé had been a pop culture fanatic chewing HubbaBubba bubblegum on the London Overground.  Bath Magg is a pretty exciting new magazine, (been around just under a year I think?) and they’ve published a lot of great writers, many of whom are emerging and I’ve spotted some quite established peple in there too. Kudos to their rubber ducky logo. It’s run by Mariah Whelan and Joe Carrick-Varty. 

In Conversation with Morgan Parker and Rachel Long, Granta Magazine: I deeply love Morgan Parker’s work, she’s, in my opinion, the master of titles. I can’t think of anybody who titles their work as well as Morgan Parker does. And I love the depth of honesty and charisma in this interview. Like yeah, it appears to be a generic Q/A but, it genuinely feels like a conversation, and it’s welcoming and unpretentious. Rachel Long asks some penetrating questions, and Morgan’s answers are so detailed and self-aware. Most of the discussion revolves around the action of writing poetry in general and where does that impulse arise from, but they do discuss Morgan’s latest collection Magical Negro which came out February last year. It’s a narrative on black womanhood, on micro-aggressions and reoccuring violence, it’s about breaking down white perceptions of blackness, and dissolving those projections. What I love about Morgan Parker is she’s tackling this fucking idiot thing where (mostly) white people think she’s attempting to represent all black women in her writing, which is, by Morgan’s own admission, impossible. Her work is a duty to herself, to the background she’s lived and lives, and to unpack that discourse in her own way. And if it resonates, then great! I felt all this was inherent in the interview and only adds to my respect for her, and to Rachel for being such an attentive interviewer. BTW Rachel Long has a debut collection coming out this July, My Darling from the Lions.

Anthony Michael Morena, ‘The Whale’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): I can’t tell you how much I adored this beautiful mass of whale and word. It’s an essay which references the American Natural History Museum’s Blue Whale model. The writing is thick with feeling and fat with concern. It blends monologue, memoir. It’s non-fiction and documentary. It’s elusive, enigmatic, fragmented. It’s like broken biscuits and blubber. To me it felt like a note on the offences of climate change, the emotional response and grief as we bystand erosion and corrosion, the loss of life, and the urge to merge something back together as it dissolves and fragments before our eyes. It’s as personal as it is public. A gorgeous and complex piece.

Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) (RECOMMEND): I felt so afflicted reading Susan Sontag’s diaries, because y’know, it’s the equivalent of invading an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh’s tomb. Like, leave people alone. At the same like, this woman. These diaries are still shaping me, and each section leaves you with the weirdest aftertaste. Her personality permeates through every detail, every line-break, every reference and articulation of feeling. You learn so much, you gain so much from her perceptions and observations. How do I contain Susan Sontag? How do I describe these diaries? Not at all. Just buy it. 

Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): My eyes locked onto this piece and just didn’t really stop reading. Lexi’s voice is enamouring and hypnotic. It’s so violent too. You’re lunged into friction burns and sports injuries, time and progression, the tensions between collectivity and individuality, family and sexuality, or as Fence put it, ‘lesbian eros’. This piece felt acidic. At times you can’t tell if the ‘I’ is indifferent or hurting to the point of numbness. It straddles so many different thematics, and breaks down a lot of conventions pertaining to the “ideal experience” of family relationships and team work. The resolution seems to be that in spite of people, our collectivity is defined by our collective solitude. This essay kicked me around a football field. It takes a good few repeated reads to appreciate its kaleidoscopic shifting, but it’s definitely one of my favourites.

The Midnight Gospel, from Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell, Netflix: (RECOMMEND) So the other day my friend Ben linked this to me and I had seen the trailer ages back and thought “Oh yeah I really wanna watch that”, but just forgot. After his reminder, I started watching it and ever since I’ve been saying to loads of other friends “Have you watched ‘The Midnight Gospel’ on Netflix?” because I’m d y i n g  to talk about it with everybody. 

I literally can’t categorise this “TV show” to you. It’s like if animation had a baby with a philosophy podcast and then put that baby onto an IV drip of psychedelics. It’s this swarm of different stimuli which you kind have to zone in on and absorb individually and yet somehow collectively. 

So like, “Clancy” is a spacecaster who sets up “spacecasts” (podcasts) with creatures from other simulated worlds and he interviews them. But when Clancy transports himself into these worlds, it’s not like they’re sat down on some cream sofa with two glasses of water like it’s animated Oprah. No, his interviewees are like in the middle of fighting off a zombie apocalypse or meditating on a mountain or trying to find and save their lost lover. And Clancy just joins them on the journey and interviews them about their “specialism”. These are real people that are being interviewed like, the first episode is with Dr. Drew Pinker. And when you’re watching it, you think that the animation is totally separate to the conversation exchange the characters are having, but that’s not true. They have intersections, they have meaning. It only becomes obvious that it has meaning right at the end of each episode, but if you lock on you’ll see it’s all relevant throughout. 

One of my friends was like “Oh I might stick that on tonight and have a joint” and I was like, don’t fucking get high when you’re watching this because it’s already intense enough as it is, like you know that Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell have felt some real shit to create this absolute rare jewel. In my opinion, you don’t need cannabis to appreciate these discussions. But if you wanna do it, then hey it’s a “free country”. And it’s not as though there’s a serious, central core plot like there is with Rick & Morty, I mean there is a kind of overarching plot but it’s not always integral. Like ultimately we’re invested in Clancy’s story but also all the stories of all the other people that come his way. There’s multiple plots, there’s multiple dimensions and ways of seeing. It’s a programme which delivers on multiplicity, which manifests itself in everything and everyone we see and know and touch and hear, etc, etc. 

This production articulates some of the revelations that psychedelics can give you. Psychedelics don’t make you see the world literally like these animations do, but the sensations of the animation are reminiscent of an acid trip’s oscillating moods and sensitivities. It’s really cool, and it’s very poignant, and it’s my new favourite show to watch. And what’s so great about it is that, it requires multiple watches in order to really absorb everything in its entirety, so it’s a series you can just keep going back to even after you’ve seen them all. It’s re-watchable. Just fundamental goodness all round. Best way to indulge in it is with ice cream. 🍨

***

So that’s it for this week, next Friday’s review is Annie Ernaux’s A Girl’s Story translated by Alison L. Strayer, published with Fitzcarraldo Editions. 

Stay safe and well as always, my little caramels. 💁🏽

[redhoodsjacket]

To Prove a Point - 2/2 (Famous!Bucky Barnes AU)

Ayyy so this is part 2, which is gonna end exactly how you think it’s gonna end

Part 1

Word count: 4292

Warnings: Language maybe? few (mild) words here and there

A/N: In this 2-part serie I definitely abused of italics for emphasis on words. Sorry if it bothers you but I just like it so much

You enjoyed the last moments of silence of the night as the limo rolled through Manhattan toward the Stark tower. You were seated the farthest from Bucky, knowing you'd spend plenty of time breathing in each other's space later. You didn't even need to rehearse anything; you both knew what to do at this point. 

The limo came to a halt, and you knew by the loud chatting outside that this was your stop. You let out a long sigh and scooted closer to the door.  "Ready?" Bucky asked, not seeming happier about it than you. "Do I have a choice?" You raised an eyebrow.

He only rolled his eye and opened the door, offering you his hand. You jumped back into your facade and smiled, taking his hand and getting out at your turn. Cameras were flashing in your face as the paparazzi called to you. Bucky put his arm around your waist to pose for some pictures, then slowly guided you inside. He leaned toward your ear, still smiling. "Pretend I said something funny" He muttered. You laughed and looked up at him, also leaning closer. "Pretend I replied something clever" You replied, and he laughed too. It was how you acted chummy when people couldn't hear you. You found it was better than to actually talk to each other. You were then pulled aside for a quick interview, where the journalist looked more than delighted by the situation. "I am now with the talk of the hour, (Y/N) and Bucky! You guys look stunning tonight, how are you?" "Thank you, we're even matching!" Bucky replied with a wide smile. "We are feeling great how about you?" "I am great as well thank you" She giggled. "So, it seems like you two are attending this event on a date for the first time since your first movie together... Am I wrong?" She smiled cheekily. "Well..." He trailed off teasingly. "Can't say you are" "Ouh, we will need to keep a closer eye on this" She winked. "I have to admit, this is a big surprise tonight to see you two attending together. I'll guess this decision after ten years must have been motivated by the presence of certain guests, perhaps?" She hinted to Rumlow's and Dorothy. "Actually" You spoke, not ditching the sweet smile. "We have been planning to attend before being aware of the guest list. We thought it would be fun"  "Oh I bet it will" She laughed. "After all, Stark parties are where the magic happens"  "That's true" You joined her laugh and gazed at Bucky. He gave you a quick wink, which didn't go unnoticed by the lady.  "So I'll leave you two enjoy the party, thank you for your time" She concluded. "Have fun!" "Thank you" You returned the politeness as Bucky lead you inside. You got in the elevator, and that's when the smiles dropped. Yours turned into a scowl while his flattened into a disinterested expression. "Really? 'We're matching'?" You said, doing a poor imitation of his overly fake voice. "Not your best, frankly" "Oh? What about 'We thought it would be fun'?" He shot back, he too imitating your voice. "Jesus we're not seventh graders going to a middle school dance" "What did you even want-" The ding of the elevator interrupted you, and back were your convivial faces. You linked arms and walked into the party, where chatter was already rising. You smiled and waved at acquaintances as you passed by, stopping only when two people jumped in your path. Immediately, you recognized your friends. "Wanda!" You exclaimed, hugging her, then her brother next to her. "Pietro! So nice to see you again!" The twins had starred with you in a blockbuster horror movie last year, and you haven't seen them in a while.  "(Y/N), it's so nice to see you too!" Wanda replied, eyeing Bucky with a small smile.  "Buck, I don't think you've met yet right?" You asked him, and he replied negatively. "So guys this is James, and this is Wanda and Pietro" "Hi, nice to meet you" She smiled and shook his hand. "I've seen a lot of your movies, big fan" Pietro gave him a toothy grin as he shook his hand at his turn. "It's great to meet you" "Thank you so much man" Bucky went for the bro hug. "Actually I've seen your latest movie too, it was amazing" You let the guys talk as Wanda pulled you aside with a knowing grin. "So, your date uh?"  "Come on" You huffed with a small smile. You had to act like it was really happening. "Not you too" "I mean, you guys are pretty cute together" She wiggled her eyebrows. "So tell me, how did it happen?" "I don't know" You shrugged. "We're nothing yet but... I really don't know" "Oooh there is definitely more to this story" She winked. "You won't tell me now, but I'll come back after the third round of champagne. You'll tell me more then" "Tell her about what?"  You whipped your head to the side at the sound of Nat's voice. She was slowly walking toward you, a cocky smirk on her lips.  "About her dating the ever so dreamy James Barnes" Wanda sighed lightly, leaning on Nat as for support. You rolled your eyes at her as Nat laughed.  "Oh darling" She drawled out. "If only you knew all the stories..." Wanda gasped in excitement as you shot a glare at Nat as to say "don't you dare". She gave you a reassuring look, telling you she'd most likely elaborate a fake background of a story you invented for the press. "What stories?" She asked. "Oh my god I wanna know" "Come see me later, or she might rip my head off if I start now" She sniggered.  "I don't know what she's talking about but it's true, she will" Bucky strode in the conversation, flanked with Clint, Nat's husband. You gave a playful slap on his shoulder at his comment, but only laughed it off.  "Hey (Y/N) how's it going?" Clint smiled as he kissed your cheek.  "Great, great and you?" You replied.  "Still an idiot but she's keeping me in check" He grinned as he pulled his arm around Nat's waist. "Oh and Wanda, Pietro told me to tell you he's grabbing something from the car. He'll be back in a sec" "That's fine" She brushed off. "He probably forgot his snacks" "Talking about snacks" He replied. "I'm hungry. Let's go try and bother Stark to release the food now" Nat sighed and followed him deeper into the crowd, waving at you with a wink. Then, Wanda excused herself as she saw a friend of hers come in, leaving you and Bucky alone. You still kept the smiles, but you felt that the air was way tenser now that everybody was gone.  At least he smelled nice, so that was good. Then a speech was made, it was probably supposed to be delivered by Stark but as always he was fashionably late to his own party. A band started playing and food was served.  "I gotta go to the bathroom, be right back" You patted his shoulder before leaving him, not turning around to see his reaction. As soon as you were inside, you made sure all the stalls were empty before leaning on the counter and sighing deeply. Your head already ached from all the fake smiles and the annoying proximity. You had to stand close to him during the speech and always move in accordance. Normally it wasn't so hard to just act it out, but the latest press tour had drained you out to the bone.  The door was then pushed open, interrupting your brooding. You quickly pretended to be doing your hair, before you caught the sight in the mirror of who entered. "(Y/N), oh my god hi!" None other than Christa Jones had joined you. She had a tentative smile on her lips as she claimed the mirror next to yours. "It's been a while" "Yeah" You replied shortly, giving her a tight smile that clearly didn't reach your eyes. "A while indeed" "Listen, I just wanted to clean the slate between us" She began carefully. "I am so sorry about how things happened between... All of us" "Whatever" You shrugged coldly. "It's fine" "Really?" She asked, hopeful. "Because I've been thinking that maybe we could be friends again you know, now that you have James" Your head snapped to her and you blinked in disbelief at her proposal. Was she totally stupid of what? "Are you serious?" "Yes!" She exclaimed, smiling wildly. "I'm so glad you've been thinking about it too-" "I'm not interested" You cut her off dryly. "You can find someone else to backstab" With that, you turned on your heels and marched out of the bathroom. As you walked back to Bucky, you noticed another figure next to him. Then you saw it was Rumlow, which made you angrier than you already were. You half expected the two men to be having a laugh, but upon closer look, you observed a scowl on both of their faces and a big red stain on Rumlow's pristine white shirt.  "What the hell happened here?" You frowned, not being able to stop the question from escaping your lips.  "I didn't take you for the kind of girl who likes distasteful men" Rumlow sneered. "But here we are" "And yet she dated you" Bucky snorted. "Something clearly doesn't add up" You stood there, baffled at his defense that came quicker than yours.  "Yeah whatever, you can keep her" He huffed, then smirked. "I'm done with her anyway. If you want advice, ask for her mouth around your-" You were right about to jump in when yet again, Bucky was quicker. "Careful now" He cut him off, a somber look crossing his face. "I might have wasted the wine but the glass is still very much intact" The two men then had a brief stare off moment as you were once again thrown on your ass by literally everything about the situation. You could only stand there, wide eyed. You didn't see that coming. "Oh my god!" The unmistakeable voice of Christa shrieked as she appeared next to Brock. "What happened to your tux?" "A dumb accident" He scoffed, glaring at Bucky. "It's fine" "Let's get you changed" She offered, starting to drag him away. "You can't stay in that..." You let out a long breath as the tension slowly dissipated. You looked up at Bucky, who had an unreadable expression on his face. Well, that was surely something. "I must congratulate you, Barnes" You spoke, getting his attention. "You've manage to render me speechless for the first time since we've known each other" He chuckled and shook his head, breaking the heavy mood. "Finally" The night went on as you mingled with the guests. Stark finally showed up, the music was good and you didn't see Brock and Christa again. But then the tables turned, and as you were chatting with one of the producers from Time of the Day, you saw Bucky staring at someone. You glanced at them, and suddenly the awkwardness returned. Dorothy Henley was standing there, smiling at him like a long lost friend, alone and leaning on a table. Bucky apologized to your conversation partner who brushed it off with a kinda sad smile, then turned toward you. "Would you mind getting drinks please?" He asked softly, and you nodded. You didn't want to hear whatever would go down anyway. "Sure" You smiled and left him to go to her. You went straight to the wine table, selecting a rosé for yourself and a white for Bucky. You paused to greet another one of your acquaintance and chatted a few minutes before heading back to the table, where you could almost cut the tension with a butter knife. You guessed she said something out of place or mean to beat the dead horse even more.  You gave your date his cup and joined the obviously stalling conversation. "Oh hi, you must be (Y/N)" She smiled warmly, but something else was lurking behind. You weren't fooled. "I have heard so much about you" "Is that so?" You replied with fake cheerfulness.  "Mh hmm" She hummed, sipping her own wine. "I gotta admit, I am so glad my dear Bucky found someone else. He deserves it" "He sure does" Your smiled tightened. "He's amazing" "I know right?" She replied. "I mean, we didn't work out, and I was really afraid that no one would be good enough after... You know. But there you just might be enough" You slightly tilted your head to the side, feeling your smile falter. Bucky both tensed and sagged beside you, probably still hurting from their past relationship. That woman had some balls to say that she was better than anyone right after doing one of the vilest things any partner could do.  But then, you forced your smile to come back. "Right?" You exclaimed with your fakest voice as your arm moved of its own accord to press a reassuring hand on Bucky's back. You sure as hell wouldn’t let her win this one. "Is that how you see it too? I mean, coming right up after Angelina Jolie out of all people, wow, that must be so hard to deal with" You watched proudly as her expression fell under the harsh blow you just delivered. The corners of her mouth were still up, but it no longer reached her eyes. They were now full of malice and thunder aimed at you. And you weren't even done yet. "Greatest Hollywood couple, in my opinion. No offence of course" You added. "Let's just cross our fingers she doesn't want her man back right?" You joked, but she didn't laugh. "Yeah" She snapped. "Let's hope she doesn't" She stormed off as you grinned in victory. Then you noticed the placement of your hand and retracted it like it was touching fire. You felt the tip of your ears redden at the rather intimate contact, for your situation anyway.  "Good grief, the wicked witch is gone" You stated to diffuse the weird mood with humour. "How did you even like her?" "I..." He trailed off, still staring into nothing. You caught a glimpse of his expression, and he looked completely confused. "Speechless too?" You smiled knowingly. "Might as well all happen tonight right?" A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he scoffed softly. You didn't know how, but you knew that that short exchange was genuine, maybe for the first time ever. And surely, the reason for your next actions was laying beyond your understanding. "Here" You pushed the cup of wine you got for him in his hand. "You'll need that, and fresh air. Come" You linked his free hand with yours and pulled him to the open balcony, where it was deserted despite the space heaters and lovely decoration. You sat in a booth on the far end, facing the night lights of Manhattan. You both sipped your wine in silence, observing and enjoying the view.  "Thank you" He finally broke the silence, and you thought for a moment you might have misheard. But the look on his face told you it wasn't a good time to tease, so instead you just let it happen. "For what you did back there" "It was the least I could do" You smirked softly. "Couldn't let her tear down my date, didn't I?" "I guess not" He half shrugged.  "Besides" You paused, then gulped. "You did the same for me earlier. I can only guess Rumlow earned himself that stain with some gross comment of some sort. So thank you for that, and for what followed" "He sure did" He gritted his teeth together, then relaxed. "I had to do something" You nodded, taking a long sip of your wine. "I guess only we can hate each other, uh?" He hummed, still staring intensely at the city before him. It was a peaceful moment, really, and it felt surreal to share it with your arch nemesis, with no snide comment or sneers or mockery. "Why do we hate each other?" He asked suddenly, half ruining the enjoyable mood you were surfing on. "Why can't I know the 'you' I see when people are looking?" You twirled your wine in your cup, knowing it was a conversation you couldn't dodge anymore. It was so easier to hate him and never talk about your feelings, than to risk showing vulnerability by bringing back the origin of the feud. But you had to face the music now. "May 2008, second week of filming on Three Things About Emily" You looked up at him, noticing you had his whole attention. "I came to you the very day we started shooting our scenes together. Do you remember what that conversation was about?" "I don't..." He trailed off after a moment to think, then realization flashed in his eyes. He hit his forehead with his palm, groaning. The sight would have been hilarious if you weren't in the midst of such an important conversation for the both of you. "Oh no. I was the worst jerk on the planet. I am so, so sorry, really. God I've never apologized for that?" You shook your head, a tiny smile on your lips. He appeared really sincere in his apology, and for the first time you believed his words.  "I get it now" He sighed, downing his wine. "Please, do accept my sincere and official apology for being quite literally the worst" "I will..." You trailed off. "At one condition" "Name it" He fully turned his body to face you. "You gotta not only apologize one last time, but also admit that I was the lead in the movie" You grinned cheekily, and his mouth fell open as you could already hear his protests. Bucky was proud, and if he could say it out loud, it would prove that he's truly serious about his apology.  "We had almost the same number of scenes" He argued. "We were co-lead" "My character's name was literally in the title" You countered, faking a gasp.  He couldn't find a comeback for that, so he just paused to deliberate. Then, he nodded. "Alright, I'll say it" He conceded.  "I'm listening" You smirked as you faced him as well. "(Y/N), I am sorry for being unnecessarily rude to you on our first conversation. You definitely deserved at least an equal pay to mine, if not more for your leading role in Three Things About Emily. I should have stood with you instead of shutting you down" He said, his eye twitching slightly on the word 'leading'. "Please forgive me?" "You are a hundred percent forgiven,, Bucky Barnes" You let yourself genuinely smile widely in his presence.  "Thank you" He joined you in your actions, and only then you noticed how breathtaking his smile truly was. His eyes twinkled in the warm light of the lamps, and suddenly you too wished you had known this Bucky well before.  "So, we might have been friends in public but I actually know nothing about you" You began as you took off your heels and sat comfortably. "Tell me something about yourself that I either don't know or got totally wrong" He paused for a moment, not expecting the question. "I mean, I don't know what you know... Or not. I that makes sense" He chuckled. "But I'm actually a kitten guy. I adopted a litter of stays last month, I just couldn't help myself" Your mouth fell agape at that. You had always pegged Bucky for a big dog guy, you'd never thought in a millions of years that he'd like cats.  "I had no idea" You replied. "This is so sweet"  "Yeah" He muttered, looking down smiling. You could see the faintest blush creeping up his neck too, probably for admitting right away his soft spot. "Now you turn" "Okay, uh" You hummed, thinking about what you could reveal. "Oh! I actually hate kale smoothies for my life. I can't stand them" "What?" He exclaimed, a shocked expression on his face. "But you requested one every morning on set and on press tour" "I did" You admitted, smothering invisible wrinkles on your dress. "Because you had berries smoothies and I wanted to level up with you with something healthier" "I can't believe" A cocky grin stretched on his lips. "You are the pettiest person in the world! Was I that important to impress?" "Not impress, to beat" You corrected. "And yes, being better than you was a rather important part of my life" "I am flattered" He said smugly. "Consider me... Impressed" "You're a jerk" You laughed, pushing his shoulder playfully. He held up his hands in surrender as he "recovered" from the push. Then laughter died down and you spoke again. "Your turn" He sat back and thought, and a sad expression crossed his face. He looked down at his hands, then took a deep breath. "I know I've always acted like the accident only helped my career but-" He paused, and you understood how personal this was going to get. You scooted closer to him and gently placed your hand on his shoulder for encouragement. "I actually did some, and still go to therapy to cope with it. I still have nightmares sometimes" It happened shortly after Time of the Day, when the big buzz was over. Bucky was in Austria, filming his new action movie when something went wrong with the equipment and he was ejected from a speeding train on one of his stunts. He lost his arm, which was replaced by a high tech prosthesis. You knew it brought him even more fame; everybody wanted to make a movie about his story or have him star in their next sci-fi blockbuster, but you never knew he actually took it badly. He had always acted like it did only good for his career and like he liked the "add up" to his self. He never hinted otherwise. "I'm so sorry" You muttered. "I should have been there for you when it happened, and not just pretend" "It's fine" He gave you a strained smile. "I didn't say that to guilt trip you. I guess I just wanted you to know the truth, since it's obviously honesty hour" "Well, I'm glad we're doing this, and I'm glad you told me" You said, and he nodded. "Now your turn" He went back to the little game. "Try to best that now" You shook your head at his joke and looked up at the clouded sky to find something even relevant after that revelation. "Aight, this is something I would have never said ever out loud to anyone" You said. "But like I said, might as well happen tonight" He raised his eyebrows expectantly as you felt yourself become red all over the face. That would be embarrassing alright. "I've always thought you were incredibly attractive" You ripped the bandaid straight away.  "W-What" He stuttered, looking surprised. It wasn't the reaction you had anticipated. You thought he'd laugh and tell you he'd never let it go. "Yeah" You let out a long breath. "I've hated that I did for the longest time" "And what about now?" He asked, drawing his eyebrows together. "Uh?" You blinked as the countdown to midnight started inside. Ten... Nine... Eight... "What about now?" He repeated. Seven... Six... "Do you still hate it?"  Five... Four... "I- I don't kn-" You stammered as he gazed at you intensely. Three... Two... "I don't" You finally gave a firm answer. One... "Good"  "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Cheers and trumpets erupted from inside, distracting you momentarily. It was enough however not to notice Bucky getting closer than he was.  Then, his lips were on yours. You jumped in surprise, but it wasn't long that your racing mind was kicked aside by the heat of the moment. You kissed him back, welcoming the feeling of his soft lips against yours.  It was a chaste and sweet, and over sooner than you would have wished. And as he pulled away, you were left speechless for the second time tonight.  "Wow" You muttered, not being able to say anything else. "I uh, I'm sorry" He scratched the back of his neck. "I should have asked-" You hushed him by kissing him again. You could admit it felt weird and surreal, but it felt right, somehow. You kept it quick again, not to let yourself get carried away. "I'm guessing we're taking the "new year new me" to another level this time uh?" He asked breathlessly, a lazy smile on his lips. "I've seen worse resolutions before" You chuckled.  "This is crazy" He shook his head, blinking slowly. "We were at each other throats not even three hours ago. Who could have had predicted this?" "That journalist when we came in" You answered. "She did say Stark parties are where magic happens" "She did" He hummed in agreement. "So, we just missed the whole point of this party already" You stated. "How about we just go back to either one of our place, open a good bottle of wine, order takeout and keep this game of revelations?" "And ditch our friends without a word?" He raised an eyebrow and you nodded. "Let's go" With a giggle, you escaped the party incognito like highschoolers. It felt refreshing and liberating to finally stop acting all the time with him, and get to your true selves at last.  It truly was a night to remember.

•••

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[zofias]

tod spoliers 

ever since i finished tower of dawn i’ve been wanting to write down my thoughts about it so here goes nothing lmao feel free to ignore this 

ok so tod started off pretty nicely sjm laid out the southern continent very descriptively and i was thoroughly invested bc well i was totally excited to read tod from the start and when i finally got my hands on it i was ready but not ready lol my emotions about it are just all over the place basically 

anyways i really enjoyed the aspects of the southern continent and the history of it the story of the khagans and how they are chosen was interesting the whole khagan gets to choose which child he/she wants as his/her heir was smth i got truly interested in bc its always the first born child who gets to take the crown or w/e so that was a nice change and the siblings that were introduced in tod were all dissimilar they all had such strengths to be heirs since they all specialized/lead different things like hasar had armadas and lead them sartaq had his aerial army kashin was a solider and controlled the armies on land arghun had his network of spies like i enjoyed that they all were individually so powerful i guess like thru each chapter you’d think the khagan would choose a different sibling but i was really happy that sartaq was chosen tho i did kinda feel like he would end up being heir like it became a bit obvious bc he seemed to be the one who took a stand and was like imma leave if you dont help aelin and co. 

ok lets move onto yrene towers at first i didnt know how to feel about her only bc we didnt get into her character as much yet but when she went to see chaol and nesryn for the first time i was literally laughing also idk why but the dynamic between her chaol in that first meeting made just go yup they gonna fall in love im a sucker for haters to lovers trope ok she literally despised him for a good few chapters lol yrene is freaking amazing and so badass her story was smth i really enjoyed i was really interested in her powers and all about the healers she wanted to make a difference and help her ppl and she got her wish in the end what was really cool about her was that she taught young ppl self defense even tho she knew not so much she wanted to give those girls a change to fight back and when the torre was attacked she knew how frightened that made them and made chaol come teach bc he’d be a good distraction from all the horrors i just really loved the way her mind works she was invested in the art of healing so thoroughly and yrene never backed down she was so determined to find answers like i loved her so much she was amazing slm may have faults but the way she writes female characters is really empowering LISTEN I NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW YRENE PUSHED HASAR INTO THE WATER i legit started laughing so hard like i needed that it was so good yrene is everything if you dont want to read this book bc of chaol read for yrene ok that’s all im going to say yrene was wonderful 

chaol westfall my first thought about him was ‘my baby i hope you heal and get to fight again’ like reading about how much he didnt like it in his chair was really sad i mean i get it chaol was always really determined and he like being ready to fight and then he lost movement in his legs and his world turned upside down like when yrene was healing him and he was feeling all the darkness and remembering what his father did to him when i read that his father literally pushed/threw him out of the house made me tear up chaol hit his head hard and the son of a bitch father didnt even let chaol’s mother come to him and terrin saw and chaol felt guilty for leaving him i just was so hurt reading that and also few guards helped him leave anielle and his damn father banished them to the mountains like i hated chaol’s father and now i just cant the darkness chaol had in him was so much did he hate himself? i think so but he was so angry and things were haunting him it just made my heart hurt i loved tower of dawn bc we got to see everything about chaol what he felt what he realized it was really good throughout he kept thinking about dorian and always was so loyal to him i love it when they reunite i need sjm to have them hug for a good hour or more tbh like its needed what also made my heart shatter was what he felt for aelin in his darkness you can see how he loved her and his hate for her too like i dont know how to explain it it made me feel idk his darkness was terrible and at some parts i had to put the book down to stop feeling too much idk chaol has gone through so much and it was nice to see what he felt he conquered his darkness and realized and accepted himself his journey was rough but he found himself i was so excited to read this book only bc of him he has always been one of my fav book characters and this made me love him so much more 

CHAROENE???? i dont know chaol and yrene’s shipname but imma tell you i love them together their dynamic was wonderful they slowly became friends and trusted one another they had to somewhat quickly open up to one another bc it was the only way chaol was going to heal physically and emotionally i enjoyed seeing how they developed their relationship it was nice chaol deserved to love someone who cared for him so much my favorite part was when they got into a fight and yrene was walking away and chaol wanted to go after so he willed himself to walk ever so slightly and as he was somewhat getting closer to yrene she began teasing him and moving away to make him walk more it was so cute i liked their relationship a lot they both felt equally comfortable to talk to one another and it was like a balance you know what actually my fav part was their day out in the city when they just rode horses and yrene was healing ppl it was sweet and calm and when they went out to eat just the two of them with no agenda they both deserved smth like that i loved it ik most ppl are going to say sjm wanted to just pair everyone off with a love interest but i love these two it was unexpected esp the fact that they are linked to each other and they’re married!! but i love it im a sucker for that bond stuff ok this relationship made me love tod so much 

nesryn faliq when she was first introduced in queen of shadows i was 50/50 on how i felt about her like i liked her but also somewhat didnt but let me tell you tod made me love her chaol was an idiot for using her as he did and she realized it and it seemed she was ok with it but i loved that she got to have her adventure i loved that she got to return to home and see her family she got to explore the lands of antica with sartaq and kadara what made me like her more was that she was didnt let opportunities pass her by she decided to go with sartaq and find her adventure on her own tho i did sort of predict that her and sartaq were going to become a thing after their little flight on kadara in the beginning idk it just seemed like they would be a thing which they did but i liked it she deserved someone like sartaq there was a lot of mutual respect in their relationship which i admired i loved that thru nesryn we got to learn more about antica and the history and everything like its her home and we got to see what she felt and loved about it that was my favorite thing i also loved that she got her own ruk!! AND NESRYN CAN SING that was so amazing like it adds so much more to her i love her 

a few other things one FUCKING MAEVE IS A VALG QUEEN I HATE HER like that made me so mad and now i want to know how everyone will react to this and what they will do i hope aelin NO ROWAN RIPS HER TO SHREDS another thing lysandra and falkan being her uncle was amazing i loved that we got to learn somewhat as to how lysandra got her powers butterfly the horse made this book a million times better again yrene pushing hasar into the water was hilarious hasar deserved it lmao i really wished someone did smth like to arghun kadara deserves appreciation for being an awesome ruk when she got trapped in the spiderweb i was a wreck also again MAEVE IS A VALG QUEEN what on earth and duva being possessed by valg and throwing her younger sister off a balcony i cried and duva was pregnant that was just so sad im so happy that yrene saved her life im happy that one else died i mean chaol came close obviously again and yrene and him are now linked which is cool but also like terribly dangerous i want to see what sjm is going to do with that the healers were so cool i loved reading about the torre and the origins and everything i hope we get to see more about them yrene is bringing hundreds of them with her so it could be a possibility there was just so much going on in this book lmao

i know i just hit the surface with a lot of this but i really wanted to get my view on the three mains out chaol yrene and nesryn are amazing and you know what i loved that this book was about them finding out where they fit into this war thats booming chaol was uncertain and felt he had nothing to offer bc he was injured but realized that the chair wasnt limiting him but he himself was nesryn found that she can be her own adventure she found that her home country was her place yrene discovered that her powers could save people who are possessed by the valg and that was epic i loved that this book was more about all these characters discovering who they are rather than anything else i loved it so much i was so excited for it and it didnt disappoint me 

if you read my stupid rambling i am so grateful for you haha thank you if you want to leave your opinion go right ahead whether it agrees with mine or not im up for anything lmao also there are probably so many spelling errors im so sorry lol 

~EDIT~ UM I FORGOT TO ADD ABOUT THE FIREHEART CHAPTER I COULDNT HANDLE IT IT RUINED ME OK IM JUST NOT OK AND THE FACT THAT MAEVE HAS AND MAEVE IS VALG MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE I JUST THIS IS TERRIFYING AELIN BETTER BE OKAY I NEED HER TO BE OKAY!!! 

[cksmart-world]

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

January 14, 2020

COURT: INLAND PORT LAND GRAB IS COOL

& GOODBYE SHITHEADS HELLO VANCOUVER

It's like this, government closest to the people is best — except when it isn't. This is the unofficial mantra of the Utah Legislature, where conservative Republicans keep a close watch on freedom and other stuff they want. Last week, a state court ruled that when lawmakers took control of 16,000 acres from Salt Lake City and its elected officials, it was in accordance with the Utah Constitution, which is divinely inspired. The land grab, er uh legislative action, is for the so-called Inland Port, where trucks and trains from all over would bring freight to a sea of warehouses and then shipped elsewhere by more trucks and trains. It would add thousands of tons of pollutants to our already poisonous air and further clog our roadways with 18-wheelers — but that's not the point, stupid. A board of good ol' boys, er uh, administrators, would control development and taxes — while elected Salt Lake City officials suck their thumbs. And that's just fine, the judge said, because the Inland Port “is sufficiently infused with a state purpose.” That is, it will create lots of low-paying jobs. Coincidentally, this not-so-slight-of-hand sets the stage for power brokers, er uh, community leaders, to make bank thanks to their buddies, er uh, administrators on the board. The judge forgot to mention that. See, it's like this, the people's will matters, except when it doesn't.

MIKE LEE: I'M NO BENEDICT ARNOLD,

GINGER ROGERS MAYBE

Two words for Utah Sen. Mike Lee: “De Caf.” Holy smokes, Lee totally lost it after a classified administration briefing on the killing of Iranian Gen. Qasem Soleimani left him H-O-T. It's “probably the worst briefing I have seen in the nine years I’ve served in the United States Senate,” Lee said. That, of course, got President Trump's undies in a bunch and sent tremors through his PR team at Fox News Channel For Real Americans. Windbag Lou Dobbs compared Lee to Benedict Arnold — ouch, the only thing worse is being likened to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Fox News host Bret Baier barked that Lee must be suffering from “Trump Derangement Syndrome” — an aberration usually reserved for idiot liberals. And Sen. Marco Rubio whined that he wouldn't share his milk with Mikey at lunch. Then before you could say, “Party at Mar-A-Lago,” Lee was praising the president and blaming his subordinates for force-feeding Donald bad advice. The senator was dancing backward faster than Ginger Rogers in Flying Down to Rio. “The president has made us look stronger through the restraint of power, not through the excessive abuse of it. And I applaud him for that,” Lee said. Tango, anyone? And don't forget to remember, Mike, to stay away from the 100 % Colombian coffee, you could splat out and get into big trouble with Fox & Friends.

SO LONG SHITHEADS, HELLO VANCOUVER

Want to get away? Meghan Markle, aka the Duchess of Sussex, couldn't bolt fast enough from Buckingham Palace — and it wasn't the bread pudding. The biracial American actress had enough of the churlish slights from the stiff Royals and the nasty British tabloids. So, it was off to Canada, where she will be treated like a Chinese panda. Meanwhile, everyone in Britain is in a frenzy. The Brits have been glued to the Royal soap opera because the Gang of Windsor is more important than Sir Elton John. (Sorry Wilson, maybe we should have said John Lennon.) Things are so ugly that statues of Meghan and Harry were ripped out of Madame Tussauds wax museum. That said, why would anyone in the good ol' USA give a rat's pajamas about the Royal family — Adele, at least, can sing. After some serious navel-gazing, the staff here at Smart Bomb came up with some prescient insights: Americans are titillated when Prince Charles or Prince Andrew screw up — we love to see Royal pain. And we smacked our lips when Harry brought Meghan home — it was a Guess-Who's-Coming-To-Dinner moment for a white dynasty that has wreaked havoc on people of color across the globe. Meghan Markle isn't exactly Mahatma Gandhi, but she did make the Queen spit up in her tea and hide the silver.

HILLARY MUST BE GUILTY OF SOMETHING

Well, dang it, that slippery Hillary Clinton escaped the hanging tree once again, despite general knowledge by Trumpers and Jason Chaffetz that she is a crooked, deceitful traitor who has cooked up all kinds of evil stuff from Benghazi to Whitewater. A two-year investigation by the Department of Justice and U.S. Attorney for Utah John Huber wrapped up last month but found “nothing of value” to prosecute. What? How could this be? Trump and Michael Flynn and Jon Voight and a host of great Americans led crowds chanting ��Lock Her Up. Lock Her Up” — and now nothing? Even disgraced FBI boss James Comey investigated her emails a couple of times. And former chairman of the House Oversight Committee, Utah's own Jason Chaffetz investigated Hillary and Benghazi nine — count 'em, nine — times because he and his Republican comrades  knew that then-Secretary of State Clinton was guilty of something, or everything. If not, at least they could make the public believe she was dishonest and dastardly. After all, you've got to give people someone to hate. It's a Republican truism. And it worked. It all worked brilliantly. Many uninformed Americans found it impossible to vote for Hillary because unlike her Republican opponent in the last presidential election, she is dishonest, lies all the time, screws people over at will, has delusions of grandeur and cheats on her taxes. Lock Her Up. Lock Her Up.

Post Script — That's it for another feel-good week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Royal intrigue so you don't have to. Hold on to your hat, here's some really BIG news (It was on the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune, no less): Abby Huntsman is leaving the View — that's the TV talk show where Whoopi Goldberg and Meghan McCain scream at each other and throw chairs and stuff. The staff here at Smart Bomb doesn't know exactly why the daughter of Jon and Mary Kaye Huntsman is making a quick exit from such a great gig. Maybe it's because Jon is running for governor of Utah and doesn't want to be linked in anyway to communists, like Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg. Or maybe it's because Meghan McCain threw Perrier at Abby backstage and called her a baby lover. Anyway, her pops, Jon Huntsman, is in a tight contest, running against Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox, former Speaker of the House Greg Hughes, Salt Lake County Councilwoman Aimee Newton Winder, Businessman Jeff Burningham, some dude named Jason Christensen and one Democrat — Zachary Moss. Big secret: Whoever wins the Republican nomination will be the next governor. Sorry Moss, but you are a stranger in a strange land. Many Utahns vote for Republicans, like Donald Trump and Greg Hughes, because they could never vote for a Democrat. For one thing, Democrats are immoral baby killers who want to restrict guns in schools. They want to rob the defense budget and spend more money on education and health care. And worst of all, they believe in climate change. If global warming was real, glaciers in Greenland would be melting and Australia would be in flames.

OK, Wilson, wake up the band and take us out with a little something for everyone, who, like Meghan Markle and Abby Huntsman, has had enough:

When are you gonna come down? / When are you going to land? / I should have stayed on the farm / I should have listened to my old man... So goodbye yellow brick road / Where the dogs of society howl / You can't plant me in your penthouse / I'm going back to my plough...

[chilly-territory]

Gangsta: Death of Anosmic Stray Dogs, chapter 3

We’re well over half the book now, with only 2 chapters and the epilogue remaining. The plot is clear now, too, with only some minor details to work out.

Chapter 4 is longer and wordier so will probably take more time to translate though. The original Japanese text is still provided by valgerdrgodiforseti.

Gangsta: Death of Anosmic Stray Dogs by Kawabata Junichi

Chapter 3 (pages 103-140)

After leaving the garage where the sneering dog rampaged to its heart's content, it took Worick about 2 hours to make it back to the Benriya office.

Johann was waiting in front of the garage, so Worick dumped Dario, who didn't even make an attempt to walk with his own two feet, on him. That said, since Worick had sustained some wounds himself, he needed to drop by Theo's clinic along with the two, as well.

He had Nina dress his wounds, and when he returned to the office, Nicolas turned to him, gracing him with an annoyed look. Lying on the couch, he pressed a glass bottle of carbonated water to his lips. Having taken 2 gulps, he put it on the table.

After that, Nicolas held his right fist in front of his face and, bending his wrist, banged it against the left side of his chest. Then he made a motion like he wanted to grab his head with the whole of his right hand.

'What are you fucking up for, idiot.'

Seemingly satisfied with just that, he took a shish-kebab out of the paper bag sitting on the floor and bit into it.

"Whatcha eating?" 'Salted grilled fish. Bought it from a street stall.'

Worick cracked a smile.

"Really. Yummy?" 'Passable.' "How carefree of you when I was being put through some really awful experience. What if I died?" 'You're still alive though.'

Nicolas got up from the couch and threw the skewer the kebab he had finished in a flash was on in the trash can. The long stick fell with a small clunk, joining 2 more like it already in the trash can.

'Speaking of, don't go wandering off alone if you know you're being targeted, moron.' "Don't look so cold, man. It's part of the job."

Worick plopped down on the other couch next to the one Nicolas was occupying. Nicolas gazed at him expressionless.

'Is he the mafia slayer?' "Who knows. I'm not sure yet." 'I thought you took a shine to him.' "Did it look that way? I'm just really good at getting close to strangers, is all."

Worick lit up a Pall Mall. Lifting a corner of his mouth, he flashed a nasty smirk.

"You suck at dealing with him, don't ya." 'I just don't like him, is all. For some reason.' "Haha, way to be blunt. Not that I don't get what you mean though."

Taciturn Nicolas and talkative Dario were the polar opposites. But at the same time, Worick had a feeling that their sets of values were surprisingly similar. If it looked like Worick was being friendly with Dario, that had to be the reason why.

Both of the short men didn't give a damn about the rules of society. They had their own internal set of iron-clad rules, which was linked with instincts rather than reason. Nicolas' rules originated in his having been born a Twilight and formed under the effects of his complicated upbringing. With Dario though, Worick couldn't tell for sure. But he could venture a guess that Dario, too, had a past of some controversial kind that cut into his neck like a chain. Because he was unhealthily obsessed with the past. In the form of 'forgetting', to be exact. It was the same as with a child's puppy love. Peering hard and avoiding to look at all costs bore the same meaning in that context, denoting the overwhelming obsession with the object.

Or, alternatively, perhaps Nicolas' disagreeable sentiment could be attributed to a natural dislike towards one of the same kind. ---Well, if we started talking unsightly past and criticizing people for it, I'd be on the list, too, Worick admitted to himself with a strained smile.

"But don't let it be said that I haven't learned my lesson. So now I want you to stick by me, Nic-chan. Protect me from the scary-scary people, partner." 'Hell if I care. Learn to protect yourself with your own power.' "Oh, don't sulk." 'I’m not.'

Worick blew out the cigarette smoke in Nicolas' direction, and the shorter man grimaced not unlike a dog.

Nicolas would protect Worick no matter what. Even if it meant putting his own life on the line. And there could hardly be any doubt that the feelings driving him to do so were neither those of friendship nor those of duty. It was more like something that was part of the instincts etched into his essence.

*

Evidently, Worick accumulated too much fatigue because the next day he slept in until noon. He felt he had dreamed of a woman but didn't really remember.

He woke up with a dull headache, maybe from the hangover, or from having been hit in the head. His shoulder, grazed by the bullet yesterday, stung when he was taking a shower. But since the wound could be written off as a mere scratch, he didn't feel much inconvenience even when washing his head.

Leaving the office together with Nicolas, Worick had a kebab sandwich bought from a street stall for lunch. Fashionably late by 10 minutes to the appointment with inspector Chad for that reason, he spent another 10 minutes trying to ignore the gratuitous lecturing the good inspector subjected him to.

20 minutes in total later than planned, they finally got to the main issue at hand.

"Geez. Making me waste my energy on garbage disposal day after day." Chad scowled while puffing on his Hope cigarette.

The meeting place was the interrogation room,  found in a corner of the police station and plastered with wanted posters of all kinds of scoundrels.

Worick, cheek resting on his hand, managed to shrug his shoulders without changing his pose.

"We're fans of tidiness ourselves. Right, partner?" 'I've nothing to do with it,' Nicolas' hands signed. "The 5 guys yesterday, what family did they belong to?" Worick asked Chad. "The Bandera family." "Oh. A place pretty high up on the totem poll." "They're street-level. Then again, they were just lapdogs of their heavy-hitting Capo Regime." "And that Capo Regime got offed by the mafia slayers."

That's how the story had to go, evidently, given the hysterical woman's words.

Chad nodded.

"His corpse was found the day before yesterday. Shot through the head at home in his own bed. Along with the women serving as his body pillows. There were 7 people and 1 dog in that house. Only the dog survived." "So they weren't slain with a bladed weapon?"

One of the big reasons why Worick and Nicolas were set up as the fall guys for the mafia killings was because the murder weapon was a blade.

"You're not off the hook though, your weapon of choice is Colt Government, forgot?"

Chad ground out his Hope cigarette, smoked up to the filter, on the cheap ashtray of stainless steel and stuck a new one in his mouth.

"Chad-san, ain't you smoking a bit too much?" "Shuddup. There's a talk going round that soon smoking at the station will be banned. So I smoke while I can." 'Ain't it high time you retired though?' Nicolas' hands moved, a wicked smirk taking over his face.

Chad smacked him on the head.

"Like I can with the shitty brats severely lacking discipline around!" 'Why are you always taking it out only on me?'

"So?" Worick, following suit, lit up a Pall Mall. "How hairy the situation is right now, exactly? For how long will the Bandera family be after my head, in your opinion?" "The Monroe family is indirectly holding them down for now. But only indirectly." "Yeah, figures."

Daniel Monroe was this city's mighty power balancer. It figured that he couldn't possibly play favorites and openly back up the Benriya who were but two puny individuals. The request he had placed with them was in part purely meant to protect them - at least that's what Worick thought.

Chad took a deep drag out of his cigarette through the filter, breathed out a cloud of white smoke, then spoke.

"Every time new blood gets spilled, you two gain more hatred and grudges against you. And those grudges are quite tangible. You get what I mean, right?" "Mn. I get that you're worried about us, Chad-san." "Shuddup. I just don't wanna see this fucked up city get fucked up more than it already is."

Worick let out a puff of smoke too, and flicked the ashes off his cigarette over the ashtray.

"Yesterday's evening, did the mafia slayers hit again?" "Got no such reports for the time being. Excluding the five you've wasted, that is." "Five?"

Worick only shot two. And only one of those was dead beyond any doubt. He didn't know the fate of the other one. Additionally, Dario ran over 2 more. Even if all of them bit the dust, it totaled to 4 bodies. The numbers didn't add up.

"All 5 are confirmed dead?" "Yeah. 2 on the street, 3 in the garage. What, did you want a confirmation of your feats?" "Well, I was really drunk yesterday, so."

Did it mean that Dario killed at least one, possibly two while Worick was unconscious? If so, the numbers would add up. Except how could he do it, with his gun out of reach and his leg hit by a bullet?

At the guess that popped up in his head as he tried to solve that puzzle, Worick couldn't help but laugh.

---Was Dario putting on an act?

Really, now? Where did the acting end, then?

Stubbing out the Pall Mall on the ashtray, Worick scratched his head.

In any case, the situation was still deteriorating. Slowly but surely, like a swamp you kept sinking into.

"I want the list of the clients the Lombardi family pushed their 'dynamite' to. You've investigated them, like you were supposed to, right?"

That was the start of the mafia killings. The only clue they had that could be called more or less solid was that 'dynamite'.

Chad, however, shook his head.

"We're still investigating." "How sloppy. Didn't those guys keep records?" "That's not it. There's no doubt they were a family particular to death about every penny. It's just that someone apparently made off with all of the records on their 'dynamite' deals." "Oh. Makes you wonder just who it could be."

The answer to that was obvious as obvious got - the mafia slayers. And with that, it only stood to reason to suspect that they acted on a personal grudge. A grudge having to do with the 'dynamite' - if the perp was a Twilight, a myriad of valid reasons why came to mind.

"What about other documents?" "We've rounded up all the paper scraps we could find at the Lombardi family's place, from threatening letters that sounded like a kid's scribbles to pinups from the walls. Wanna take a gander?" "Yeah," Worick nodded and glanced at Nicolas.

Probably bored of the long talk, the dark-haired man was entertaining himself with reshuffling the wanted posters on the walls. It looked like he was lining them up in order of the amount of hair, so now one corner sported a herd of shaved headed thugs.

"Nic-chan. Sorry, but could you play by yourself for a little longer?" 'I'm already bored of it.' "Next try lining them up in order of their nose size then." 'What fun is that?'

At this rate, it wouldn't be too odd if he went off somewhere on his own. Only, right now, Worick didn't want them to go anywhere separately.

"Gimme just 5 more minutes. I'll be done right away."

He had no idea how much was there to go through, but just flipping through all the papers shouldn't take much time in any case. And Worick didn't forget anything he had laid his eyes upon just once. He could recall it perfectly at any time he wanted. He would ponder on the content of those documents later.

"This way," Chad rose up from his chair.

Approximately 10 minutes later, the two Benriya exited the police station.

Having found a florist's that carried violets, Worick bought a bundle of them, planning to drop by Dario's hospital room. An armful of flowers for a get-well visit paid to someone like Dario felt jarringly out of place, but popping up there empty-handed was even worse.

Dario, lying on a bed on the second floor of Theo's clinic, was reading a book out of having nothing better to do, but lifted his head when he caught sight of the two handymen.

"Yo, my friends. Came to invite me for a drink again?" "This is a get-well visit. Since you got worked over pretty good." "Ooh, thanks for the trouble."

Dario put the wrapping of a used up book match in place of a bookmark and shut the book.

"Whatcha reading?" "Ah, this. A fairy-tale that girl - Nina-chan, was it - brought me trying to be thoughtful." "Oh yes, Nina-chan." "Yeah, she's such a good girl. And she’s got ‘em skills. She'll turn into one fine woman one day, I'm telling ya." "Agreed wholeheartedly," Worick said, then raised his brows. "Wait, what, were you crying?"

There were traces of tears in the outer corners of Dario's eyes.

"Hm? Well, yeah." Not embarrassed in the slightest, Dario help up the book. "It's an eastern book. I looked down on it at first 'cause it's for kids, but it's awesome."

Worick laughed.

A guy who failed to give a damn about guns pointed at him and ran over 2 people with his beloved car even after having been shot in the leg, cried over a kiddy fairy-tale.

It was clearly weird, but when you saw this guy, somehow it all made sense and seemed only natural.

Worick felt Nicolas clap him on the shoulder.

'I'll be outside,' the deaf man signed disinterestedly. 'If something happens, gimme some signal.'

Nicolas sniffed, nose twitching. The smell of rubbing alcohol must have been getting to him. The second floor had 4 beds and looked a lot more like a hospital than the floor below. Worick nodded his okay.

"Give these to Nina-chan as a present then."

Nicolas spared a look at the bouquet Worick held out, and took it with a sigh. Throwing the flowers over his shoulder, he walked away.

Dario gave Worick a coarse sneer from his bed.

"I did praise that girlie, but trying to seduce a girl that little?" "If I wanted to seduce her, I'd give her those flowers myself. She's Nic-chan's pair. And the flowers are for your Fiat. They're of the matching color." "You're giving flowers to a car? That's weird." "That car's my lifesaver. It put its body on the line to save me." "A car is a car. It's useful, sure, but it's only a tool. It got nothing on your own two legs."

It seemed like Dario really did forget all about the Fiat. Or, at the very least, he revealed no sign of being sad about losing it.

"How do you like this hospital?" Worick asked.

Dario shrugged. His features twisted - did his wound hurt, perhaps?

"I like it good enough. Johann does, too. The doc here don't talk much, thankfully." "Aren't you bored without someone to talk to?" "Guess so. Than again, it's much better than doctors doing nothing but throwing questions at you." "Oh. That's a surprise." "What is?" "I thought you loved talking." "A talk with doctors is never any good." "Really? Doctors talk so they could heal you. It's their job and their duty." "And I don't like that. They come asking you questions about your health for the record. 'How are feeling, Dario-san?' I don't fuckin’ know how I'm feeling, that's why I'm paying you big money to examine me and find out! What the hell’s with dumping everything on the patient, what are you, a quack or something?"

The corners of Worick's mouth lifted up. True, Theo was a man of few words as well as skilled. Although he was also a corrupt doctor, for a portion of his patients he was probably close to the ideal.

For about 5 minutes after that, Dario continued to vocally complain about hospitals, only pausing for breathing. That for some reason the smell of cresol used for disinfection was similar to Bowmore he had had in the Spanish bar, that the flavor of the food served to him was flat and it was more like fishfood than something meant for humans, and so on and so forth, but on the other hand, it seemed like he had no dissatisfaction with this clinic and even expressed roundabout gratitude to it, going by his comparison with other hospitals.

When the short man's tongue took a short break at last, Worick spoke up, "There's something I wanted to ask." "Yeah, what is it?" "About yesterday. What happened?" "What d'you mean 'what happened'?" "To be honest, when I came to in that garage, I was 80-90% sure that you'd departed from this world for good. If they hadn’t captured you, then you had to be dead. Yet, you turned up alive. It's also a mystery to me how you even found where they took me."

When Dario swooped in to save him yesterday, Worick's suspicions about his being the mafia slayer got somewhat stronger.

The man himself was probably not strong, or skilled by any stretch of imagination. He was lucky, sure, but that was all he had going for him. And yet, he had somehow pulled through a really sticky spot and even saved Worick. So Worick naturally found himself suspecting that the man had some special ability or something of the sort that wasn't immediately visible to the observer.

"You wanted to ask about something that trivial?" Dario laughed. "I'm a lucky man." "So your luck is to thank for absolutely e~verything, you say?" "Everything's up to luck. Stumbling upon an apple tree when you're hungry and have no money is luck, finding a wallet on the road is luck, meeting a friend that treats you to a meal is luck. See? Yesterday, as luck had had it, Johann turned up to help."

Worick had guessed that much. After all, Johann was outside the garage, waiting for Dario to come out.

"That pampered kid? Why though?" "Dunno. I was out cold for a while. Ask Johann."

This man said absolutely lame things with impossible grandeur.

"Even if so, it doesn't explain how you had located that garage." "That'd be 'cause nose knows." "Nose?" "Yup, nose. I can tell the smell of good luck and of bad luck. And Johann--"

But there, he was interrupted with a knock on the door.

It was Nina. On her tray, there were two bottles of orange juice and a vase with the violets arranged in it.

"D-Did I interrupt you?"

Worick sighed and shook his head.

"Not really, we were just chatting about silly things."

Nina smiled and put the vase by the window. Then she deposited one bottle of  juice on the side table by the bed. Worick took the other.

"Thanks. You're so considerate." "No, it's not me. These are from Johann-san."

Worick looked at Dario.

"I asked him. Y'know, to go shopping for me and stuff. What's he doing?" "He's downstairs, talking with Nico." "Ooh," Dario smiled in surprise. "I can't imagine what kind of conversation they could be having."

Worick had to agree. In contrast to Nicolas and his mad dog tendencies, Johann was like a chihuahua kept by a refined Madame. But for what it was worth, they were the savior and the saved, so holding a formal conversation on that account out of common courtesy was probably not impossible.

After Nina bowed and left the room, Dario changed the subject.

"You see, Johann came to this town to find his l'il sister. His sis is like the reason for living to him." "That girl in the photo you keep?" "Yeah, that's her. They got separated some time ago due to some rotten circumstances. And recently, we finally found out that she's somewhere in this city."

From how Dario worded it and from the real reason why they had to come to this city, Worick incurred that the girl in the photo was not in a position that set the mind at ease about her well-being.

"Didn't Johann-chan come to this city because he was free though?" "Him? Did he tell you that himself?" "No, you told me that. You really forget everything, huh." "Oh, I see. Oh well, it does sound like something I'd say." "What does it mean though?" "Just what it sounds like."

Dario yawned sleepily, apparently not immune to losing strength due to an injury. Then he added in a voice that somehow sounded a little vacant, "Being free is nice and stuff, but there are all kinds of limitations. You keep getting hungry for as long as you live, and require sleep, too. And if you get pumped full of lead, sometimes you end up dying." "That's right. Although I was under the impression that you didn't know that." "Everyone has a chain hanging around their neck. But if you got to chose where the limitations trap you, that's freedom. He pinned it on his sister. Catch my drift?" "Yeah, loud and clear at that." "In that case, there you have it."

Dario closed his eyes.

"Think you can find that girl?" Worick inquired.

He didn't hope to get an answer, but Dario did reply, if mumblingly, "Yeah, without fail. I'm a lucky man, after all." "How?" "Dunno. Ask Johann."

He was sound asleep the second the words left his mouth, breathing peacefully. Having gotten off his chest all he had to say, he went and fell asleep just like that. Like a child.

Worick moved the side table with the bottle of orange juice on it out of the way so that even if Dario tossed and turned in his sleep, his hand wouldn't bump into it. Then, after putting a bedsheet round Dario, he left the sickroom.

When Worick came down to the first floor, he didn't find Nicolas or Johann there. Instead, there stood Theo, leaning against the wall and blowing out cigarette smoke.

"Where's Nic-chan?" "No idea." "And where's Johann-chan?" "No idea either. I'm not their babysitter."

Worick came closer and leaned against the wall next to the doctor as well, taking out a Pall Mall.

"Lately, we've been imposing on you a lot. You have my gratitude." "Have no use for it. I'll take money over gratitude any day. Besides, it didn't eat up much of my time, so it's fine. His wounds aren't serious." "He got shot in the leg and then charged into a garage head-first. You can't tell me that his wounds aren't serious." "Even so, none of his wounds would have any lasting effect." "You can tell just by looking that the guy is tenacious. I'm glad that luck is on his side." "In that case, his companion is luckier." "Johann-chan?"

Theo nodded.

"When he stayed overnight for examination, he was up all night enduring." "Was it that bad?" "It's still bad. And won't heal. For now, he's just lucky to be able to move at all. Like with that partner of yours, those are some high-maintenance mess of bodies they have."

Worick raised his brow, dubious. "A Tag?"

Face wiped off all expression, Theo blew out the smoke. "Did you bring him here without knowing? I can't believe you."

Worick scratched his cheek.

---Nose knows, Dario said. Per his admission, he could tell the smell of good luck and of bad luck, and Johann...

Just what smell could Johann tell?

"How bad is it looking for that baby-faced boy?" "If he's alive 2 years from now, it'll be some really potent good luck, amazing enough to call it a miracle." "Why though? It's not because of the wound he sustained the other day, is it?" "Partly because of his odd compensation. But mainly due to the reckless use of Celebrer."

There was no lack in Tags weakened by Celebrer.

"I see," Worick returned curtly. "And that compensation, what is it?"

Theo indicated the area around his bangs with the hand holding the cigarette.

"He has a tuft of hair, here, that's white, remember?" "Isn't that just a pubescent teen thing? Like, because he thinks it's cool." "Different parts of his body age differently."

That was hard to grasp.

After letting it sink, Worick confirmed his understanding, "So you’re saying only part of his hair became that of an old man?" "If it was only his hair, it wouldn't matter any. The manner he ages in is first only his right arm gets old, then only his left leg, and so on. If his heart'll age suddenly, his life span will greatly shorten. And if he repeatedly ODs with a body that irregular from the get-go... you follow what I'm getting at?"

Worick puffed out a cloud of smoke and watched it dissipate away.

"Sorry for bringing you another patient that can't get better." "Damn straight."

Theo ground out his cigarette that still had about half of its length intact, on the ashtray he held in hand and turned his back to Worick.

"Hey. It's a problem for me if you take away the ashtray, y'know?" "Like I care. Don't get my floor dirty."

Theo proceeded to the back room without looking back.

Worick thought of Nicolas as he gazed at his Pall Mall that had nowhere to go now. Nicolas had run into Johann, there was no doubt about it.

*

About 15 minutes prior, when Nicolas came downstairs, Nina came out of the examination room found in the back of the first floor at the same time. Seeing Nicolas, the girl smiled.

"Ah. You're just in time. The doctor said to give these to you."

She held out two plastic cases she previously cradled to her chest.

Celebrer. Uppers and downers. Twilights' lifeline and the main cause of their death.

Celebrer cost a lot. It was made expensive for a reason different than it being a high-costing drug to produce. Celebrer was the most direct means of making Twilights obey the rules set by Normals. There was an absolute need to make Twilights view Celebrer as "the life credit bestowed upon them by Normals out of goodness of their hearts", so if Celebrer was easy to obtain, that equilibrium would crumble.

For that reason, generally, only rich people or prominent mafia families involved in managing and controlling said Celelbrer as their bread and butter could afford to keep Twilights. Worick was neither that rich nor that powerful, so he had to rely on Theo selling him the stuff the doctor got through his own routes illegally .

'Are you done helping the doc?'

Nina understood perfectly what Nicolas' hands signed.

"Yes. At the moment, Dario-san is the only hospitalized patient, and his condition is stable. And the doctor is in the back, trying to outstare some other patients' charts."

Nicolas nodded his acknowledgement. Then, noticing the girl's gaze shift from his face to somewhere a little to the side, he remembered about the violets.

'From Worick.' With that, Nicolas presented the girl the flowers. "Eh? For me?" 'Supposed to be a get-well gift to the mofo sleeping upstairs. But flowers for a dude is even more pointless than pearls before swine, so take them.' "No, I could not possibly. But the sickroom decorated with flowers will make me happy, too. So thank you."

Nina reached out with both hands, and Nicolas lifted the flowers higher in the air. By reflex, Nina jumped for them, but the flowers were held just out of her reach. When she landed, Nicolas lowered them, and when she jumped, he held them up again, rinsing and repeating a few times until Nina groaned in frustration.

It wasn't like Nicolas had a dislike for Nina or particularly wanted to harass her. It was just that her troubled expression was fun to watch for some reason, so he teased like that for a bit. Before she had the chance to get peevish for real, he mouthed, 'I'm bored', voicelessly with only his lips, and thrust the violets into her chest.

Nina smiled happily, cradling the flowers gently.

"Thank you," she said.

Nicolas wasn't one to pay much mind to the subtle workings of others' hearts, but he had grasped the real meaning of Nina's words, as well as the reason why she lowered her head immediately after, as if realizing her verbal slip.

If she wanted to give thanks for the flowers, she would have thanked Worick. But her thanks wasn't about that, what she was grateful for was her relationship with Nicolas, probably. To Nicolas, the time spent with her was not unpleasant or anything, but calling it a kind of a compulsory job would not be too off the mark.

Pretending he hadn't realized anything about her true feelings, Nicolas lightly flicked her forehead with his middle finger.

'If you wanna thank someone, thank Worick.' "Okay. Ah, but it would probably be weird for me to thank him for the flowers meant for Dario-san."

She giggled.

It was like he was playing make believe human. Him, a Twilight - him, who carried another set of tags deep inside him on instinct. That said, the fact made him feel neither good nor bad or sad. Neither did he ever wish to be a Normal, for that matter. It was probably the same as a child's play of imitating how a dog barked or a cat meowed. A mere game that had no meaning beyond killing time.

"Nice smell. I'll go fetch a vase for them," Nina smiled, and the same instance the front door opened. Nicolas glared in that direction.

"Nicolas-san."

On the doorstep stood someone familiar. The young man wearing a quilted down coat clearly too big for his lanky form.

"Thank you for saving me the other night."

Johann bowed nervously. His straight bangs with a white lock rocked with the motion.

'I wasn't the one to save you.'

Johann knitted his brows and scratched his cheek sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand sign language." "Hmph," Nicolas snorted. It wasn't like he had any desire to talk with this young man anyway. The youth held a paper bag in his right hand - probably bought something for Dario. Nicolas pointed to the ceiling, imbuing the gesture with the "get going already" meaning.

"Ah, right, thank you."

Johann bowed again and was about to pass Nicolas by... but suddenly stopped in his tracks.

Nicolas tensed slightly, one eye narrowing. Johann, too, turned his head to him, narrowing his eyes to slits and staring at Nicolas.

"Nina-san, I am sorry to trouble you, but could you please take this to Dario for me? There are 2 bottles of orange juice in here, so please give one to Worick-san."

Nicolas could tell something was off - it was not a conclusion of the mind, rather, he felt it with his skin.

There was the abnormal politeness with which Johann spoke to Nina even though she was just a child and it wasn't necessary. How familiarly he referred to Dario in contrast. And how he didn't doubt that Worick was upstairs even though he seemingly had no means of knowing that for sure. Probably all of that combined.

Notwithstanding, Nicolas still didn't find himself particularly interested in the young man. Whereas he could tell that Johann was very interested in him for some reason.

"Eh? Ah, alright."

Nina accepted the bag, balancing it with the vase in her hands with some difficulty. Nicolas was about to help her carry the burden, but before he could make a move, Johann said, "Excuse me, Nicolas-san, would you mind sparing me a little of your time?"

Nicolas cocked his head to the side in puzzlement. Asking why with voiced words was bothersome.

"Please. There is something I would like to ask you. So let us step outside for a bit."

In the sharp gaze of Johann's eyes visible from beneath his long bangs, there was something akin to a killing intent. Except it wasn't really that. If it was a real killing intent, Nicolas would know the same instance.

For a very short while, Nicolas considered the issue of Worick's safety. Technically, he was told to protect him, supposedly. In which case, leaving wasn't advisable.

"I will make it quick. Please, to the street in front of the clinic."

Johann turned and started walking.

Nicolas sighed. And then followed Johann.

As long as he didn't get too far away from the clinic, he wouldn't miss any changes that might occur inside, he judged. After all, Nicolas had extremely good eyes. He would notice it if a window got cracked by a bullet.

Out of curiosity that rared its head, Nicolas wondered what would happen if he just ignored Johann who was advancing with steps grand and confident like never before, but what intrigued him the most was the meaning behind the young man's strange look.

Johann came to a halt once they exited Theo's clinic, but Nicolas didn't. The reason was he remembered that there was a chicken street stall about 20 yards away from the clinic. One kebab sandwich for lunch was not enough.

So now it was Nicolas leading the way with Johann in tow to buy a spicy grilled chicken leg.

'It ain't half-bad,' he recommended it to Johann, too, just in case. Johann seemed to more or less get what he signed, but he shook his head, declining the suggestion.

Nicolas was devouring his chicken with big bites on the way back to Theo's clinic. Peeling off the skin with a slurp, he sucked it into his mouth. The taste was on the blank side, but spices and burnt oil smell were tasty on their own.

Noticing that Johann had finally felt like talking, Nicolas focused on reading his lips.

"---away from the stall and I am grateful for that. It was much too smoky there that I could not even speak."

Nicolas didn't reply to that. The reason why he moved away from the stall was because the next customer in the line frowned in resentment upon noticing the tags on Nicolas' chest, and Nicolas simply didn't want to cause trouble to the stall-keeper by overstaying his welcome, but trying to explain all of that to Johann, who didn't understand sign language, was too much trouble.

About 5 yards away from the clinic, Nicolas stopped, and Johann got to the point.

"I came to this city to find my little sister."

Nicolas propped the back of one leg against the fence and leaned his weight on it. Biting into the chicken leg close to his own fingers that held it, he urged the youth with his chin to go on.

"It is this girl. Do you know her?"

Johann produced a photo of a boy and a girl. The boy was Johann, but Nicolas didn't know the girl. Must be that little sister of his. The girl was about 12-13 and wore a silver necklace shaped like an angel's wing.

Nicolas didn't remember ever seeing it though, so he shook his head.

"That's not true," Johann said in a cutting tone. "I can smell my sister's scent on you."

At that, Nicolas sniffed his own arm. It smelled only of chicken to him.

Johann's eyes were completely serious.

"You must know her. I have never been wrong about smells. That was how I found Dario and Worick-san yesterday."

Even if so, what Nicolas didn't know he didn't know.

"To be honest, this clinic, too, smells of my sister just a little, but the reek of the chemicals is too strong, so I cannot say for sure. Does anything come to mind?"

Nicolas drew a complete blank.

Speaking of girls in Theo's clinic, only Nina came to mind. Besides her, there were only outlaws spreading the alcohol stench.

So Nicolas waved a hand, letting the other know that it didn't ring a bell for him.

"I do not like lies."

But it wasn't a lie. He really didn't know that girl.

Nicolas let out a weary sigh. The chicken leg had mostly become only the bone now. His belly, in contrast, felt sufficiently full. So he launched the remaining bone into the nearest garbage bin. Come to think of it, they had found this young man at a garbage dump site, too, Nicolas idly recalled as he wiped his stained fingertips on the fence. But remembering that served no purpose.

He gazed at Johann sideways. The youth was talking too fast, and it was hard to read it.

'Is that all you wanted from me?'

At Nicolas' gesture, Johann cocked his head to the side quizzically.

Nicolas' words didn't reach him. Not that Nicolas intended to get through to him to begin with.

He had humored the guy for long enough already. Time to go back to the clinic, he decided and moved his leg off the fence it was rested against. When he turned his back to Johann, he felt a voice come from behind him.

"Wait!" the youth had probably screamed. Unfortunately, Nicolas didn't see his mouth to know for sure.

The young man thrust a hand beneath his down coat clearly too big for him. A gun? Or maybe a knife. He was fingering something intended to deal damage to the enemy confronted head-on, in any case. That much could be read in the youth's pupils.

The thirst for blood. Except it was too dull. Yawn-inducing, even.

'When you work up the resolve to take that out, come again and we'll play.'

Communicating this without voicing, Nicolas started walking towards the clinic. As expected, his urge to kill did not get more tangible just from Johann glaring daggers at him.

*

In the end, Worick dealt with his cigarette butt by running after Theo to dispose of it.

Just when he pushed the door leading from the back room back to the examination room open, the door on the other end of the room opened as well, and Nicolas showed his face.

Smiling a light smile, Worick waved a hand at him.

"Welcome back, Nic-chan. Did you get in a fight with Johann-chan?" 'We didn't come to blows.' "I see. That's a cryptic answer though."

Before Worick closed the door, he stuck only his head in the adjourning room to say, "Well then, see you, doc. But I'll be back." "Don't be. Your wounds will heal on their own without my help." "Not for that. I forgot to bring something."

A few hand waves later he closed the door.

"I'll go retrieve it now, so come with me," he then requested of Nicolas.

With Nicolas coming to his side, he studied his face and suddenly stared in wonder.

"You went to grab a bite, didn't you?"

Now that he thought about it, he had left collecting the pay from Granny Joel for fulfilling her request to Nicolas. Due to him drinking the night away with Dario that evening, his memories were vague, but he felt he had yet to see his share of the money.

Nicolas wiped his lips of pepper stuck to them.

'It's only due reward. I was the one to do all the work for that request anyway.' "You just went and arbitrary pocketed the money. And I got stuck with babysitting." 'Didn't you crave to get close to him? Bed-sharing's your forte, wasn't it.' "My manual labor costs more than yours, Nic-chan, and I need to be properly paid for it. Was it yummy? Where did you buy that chicken? I want a bite of it too."

When they exited Theo's clinic, Nicolas took a careful look around the street.

"What, did the stall poof out of existence or what?"

There was no sign of a possible attack. At least Worick didn't feel anything of the sort.

'Johann's gone.' "Oh."

Worick took in their surroundings and noticed something. One of the windows on the second floor was open.

"Up there. Maybe he entered through the window." 'Window?' "You do it too when you're in a hurry."

Seeing Nicolas' puzzled expression made Worick realize that for some reason he had irrationally expected Nicolas to notice a certain fact about Johann somehow.

"Apparently, that boy, too, has tags hanging around his neck, you see. Although they're hidden by his huge down coat." 'Ohh.'

Nicolas flashed a slasher grin. That of a hungry predator.

Worick's lips twisted into a strained smile.

"Owie, Nic, such a scary face. What on earth has happened?" 'I should've made him take out whatever it was he was hiding, by force if necessary.' "So you did get in a fight with him, huh. I was worried, you know?" 'We were only a mere step away from fighting.' "Oh really." 'So frustratingly close.' "Is it too much to ask of you to try and open your eyes to the concept of pacifism, if just a little?" 'Did you know that peace and war hold the same meaning for all the species except humans?'

You guys are humans too, Worick was about to say but held his tongue. For Worick, too, was prepared to unsheathe the proverbial sword against Johann - tonight or tomorrow. In the not so distant future, in any case.

If Johann had turned his blade against them first, it would have made this a little simpler, perhaps. Or if Worick just hadn't bothered with him on that first night to begin with. But that wasn't how it went.

It was strange, Worick thought. Why did Johann let himself be beaten up without resisting on that night? If he fought back, it went without saying that a gang of 3 puny thugs wouldn't have stood half a chance. Did he try to uphold the three laws? No, couldn't be. There had to be something else, some other---

When he arrived at the word 'reason', he couldn't help a laugh.

No, he couldn't let himself be bothered with details. Not this once.

Johann was a Twilight. And also, in all likelihood, the one behind the mafia killings. But the person Worick’s mind was preoccupied with even more than Johann was Dario.

If so, there was no need for reason or logic with him. Not with someone who didn't give a damn about guns pointed at him, who ran over two people with his beloved car even after getting shot in the leg, who cried over a kiddy fairy-tale. With someone who was a big fool of a man that way.

Worick looked up at the sky. A cloud had arrived and the dusk of the evening colored it dull gold. The humidity levels were on the rise, Worick thought, pressing a hand to his forever lost left eye.

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