#guess what my mom died of
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Anybody got alfred thoughts or headcanons I'm going through it
#havent cried this much since my mom died 😁#oversharing time#my family is very autistic#and we need help from a family that has been close with us for years sometimes#our water is out rn and i had to stay at their house#since i was literally 5 ive struggled with feeling like a parasite#so were talking about my mom to a new friend#and guess what one of them describes us as#a tumor#guess what my mom died of#so im having a breakdown over it. yaaaaay
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My brother died very suddenly yesterday.
He was the kind of person who always had dozens and dozens of friends everywhere he went because he was easy to talk to and funny and treated people with respect, and his friends ranged in class, race, age, social ability, introversion and extroversion--no matter who you were, he could and would befriend you.
He would scold me for not asking him for help when I needed it, and he would mean it. He taught me to tip well. He loved helping people. He played practical jokes on the new kids at work, including getting one guy to "chop flour" because the flour they had in the kitchen was "too coarse."
He introduced me to some of the best food I've ever eaten in my life. He would always help with a recipe that wasn't working. He would tell me what to buy my foodie friends for their birthdays, and he never got it wrong. He loved meat and whiskey but also wine and fruit and he got me to eat beets even because he knew how to make anything good.
Mostly, he thought that people were all deserving of respect and decency. He was outspoken on this. For all that his friends ranged across demographics, he didn't tolerate anyone being hateful around him. But even then, he was nice about it. He would try to get people to come around to his side. He saw the good in people.
And he was happy. He had finally quit chewing tobacco and managed to stay off it for three years. He had a girlfriend he really liked. The pandemic had put him out of work for over a year, but he was back at his job and doing well and he liked it. He was good at it. And it's complete bullshit that he's gone.
#when I think of him#it's him standing in the kitchen beckoning me over to taste the best duck I've ever had#duck that was catering for a special party#but he knew I was around so he saved me bites of all this spectacular expensive food he made#or it's him driving me to the library after our mom died#and I couldn't figure out how to complete a school assignment#and he picked me up and told me I could always ask him for help#or him telling me my car sucked#and when I asked him why he said he wants a car that can go fast#and I told him that wasn't important to me at all#and his attitude changed entirely and he was like oh then I guess your car is great for you then#or just how much he loved his nieces#no uncle has ever doted harder#or when I asked him what knives I should buy for my kitchen because I was tired of shitty ones#how seriously he considered the question#tw death#I guess#honestly he's the kind of person who is so good with other people I always wondered why he bothered with someone like me#a thought that hurt his feelings every time#he was my big brother and that's all there was to it
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I resent getting dragged into the discourse but it's wild to me that there are people out there who read the HP books and laud Harry for being brave and having a big heart and redeeming the wizarding world with his unusually great ability to love, yet can't comprehend how he could learn to appreciate Snape's sacrifice.
I'm very specifically thinking of the fact that Harry watches Snape die. Snape, who is lying on the floor, gripping Harry's robes, and whose eyes Harry is looking into and seeing the life leave. I don't understand how people can humanize some fictional characters and treat them as if they were real and completely dehumanize another. Not even for Snape's sake, but for Harry's sake, do these people not understand what it is to watch someone die? What's the expectation, that the Capacity For Love Posterchild protagonist steps out of character and doesn't care about the guy he watches bleed out and die suffering because you, as a reader, don't like him?
Which is it? Does Harry have a huge capacity to love or not? Pick a lane. Either you value this character trait in Harry or you don't. But you have to take or leave everything it comes with, otherwise you're a hypocrite. Or maybe illiterate.
I just don't GET it.
#Harry watched Dumbledore die and took the locket from his corpse.#Harry held Dobby in his arms as he died.#And then Harry watched Snape die. The kid has seen a lot of death and it has a profound effect on him.#What kind of person expects him to walk away from Snape's death and go 'yeah but he was still an asshole.'#Not to mention that Snape was the only person Harry ever met who told him stories about his mom and showed him what she was like.#Even if you're too emotionally dense to understand the emotional shift that happens when an antagonistic authority figure becomes vulnerabl#with you - let alone to such an extreme degree#How do you not understand that being part of someone's death is an intimate experience that bonds you to some degree?#If I only saw this kind of attitude from people who treat the books and characters as fiction I'd get it maybe.#But I see it from people who will argue on behalf of Harry and/or the Marauders as if they were real people with agency and not characters#created by the same author as Snape and/or whoever else they hate#but their treatment of them as real people either ends at characters they like or they're just the kind of people who dehumanize#anyone they don't like in real life too I guess?#and I see this AGAINST MY WILL because I don't even want to see this discourse AND YET *gestures at my feed*
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I just rewatched the bit from TLJ where Ben and Rey have their first accidental Zoom call and Rey sees him and immediately starts making threats on his life and bro is just looking around like “Can you see my surroundings? I can’t see yours. Do you have a background turned on?”
I haven’t actually watched the sequels since the years they came out so. Sometimes I forget that canon Ben Solo is actually just as much of an idiot as I imagine him to be
#the last jedi#ben solo#rewatched the scene where Snoke verbally abused ben too#tlj did luke so dirty but it also did ben so GOOD#the bit where Kylo chokes Hux and goes ‘bruh I’M the supreme leader now’#UGH I love Kylo he’s a baby and a dork and also insane and dangerous#and also? not a real threat. but also he IS.#like he’s a threat not because he knows what he’s doing but because he’s UNHINGED#kylo ren#I also rewatched the scene from TROS where han speaks to ben#I expected it to hit me harder but it. really didn’t hit at all. and idk why.#I guess most of TROS feels like a game of bingo like. you can just see all the checkboxes they were trying to hit#ANYWAY list of things that are soooo ben solo:#when he did that sock slide on the floor#when he told lor san tekka ‘you’re old lmao’#when he did the Solo Shrug#when he said ‘han solo feels like the father you never had. hewouldhavedisappointedyou’#when he couldn’t kill his mom#when he commanded every gun they had to fire on that man (bruh)#when he told Snoke ‘I’ve given everything I have to you. to the dark side.’#when he immediately died after having his first kiss#(yes that was his first kiss he has no rizz the man is rizzless)#UGHHHH HE’S MY FAV AND I DON’T KNOW WHYYYY
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i swear my stepdad is so illogical AND stubborn it hurts
#okay so strap in coz this is a wild ride#tl;dr we have been without heat and warm water for years and i mean literal years#because he refuses to pay off some debt he built up with the company#because he feels unfairly treated (let's not get into this. it absolutely makes no sense) by the company#so instead of doing the logical step of growing some balls and admitting he made a mistake and paying off his shit#he's been looking for a new supplier all over but the deal IS#that he's been doing this with a couple of places before and people are hesitant to even make him any offers#and you'd think that learning about THAT at least now he'd be like. idk willing to just pay off his debt and be done with it#but you'd be WRONG#now he's looking to just have our entire heating system replaced for the teeny tiny price of 25000 bucks#mind you his debt isn't even a THIRD of that#and obviously he can't afford those 25000 bucks#so what's his next step now you might wonder?#well good thing you asked. his next step is going off on ME for not paying towards the new heating he wants#and now that that's not working for him guess what he did next?#that's right. he bought shit expensive 'space heaters' that are pretty much just small little boxes that you plug into an outlet#and he swears up and down that they're going to heat up our house (it's negative degrees outside)#(it's obviously not working)#and genuinely. all i can think of is how much money he shoved into trying to macgyver this house into a house with warm water and heating#and how he blew off ten thousands of bucks he got paid when he retired within the span of two weeks#when this debt could have been paid off ten times over by now#so now you might be thinking. okay tiago. why don't you move out#good question you see. my mom is disabled and reliant on someone who cares for her#something that he can't won't and shouldn't do because the last time he sorta kinda tried she almost died and we had to call an ambulance#she wouldn't eat a thing if i weren't there to cook. the house would fall into disrepair if i wouldn't do maintenance all around#i've set up (functioning) heat in some areas she occupies and i've gotten a boiler going so she at least has warm water#i'm paying off their bills to make sure he doesn't skip on paying any others. i'm buying groceries for them because again they wouldn't get#any for themselves#and finally. i've offered to pay off his debt so that we can finally live like normal fucking people do#and guess what. guess WHAT. he just got mad at me for not adding money to that 25000 bucks pool for that new fancy heating he wants
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kinda cryin at learnin my cats favorite toy was a lil captain america but also that dhe got his eyes ripped out
#snap shots#mona please i actually like cap america … he has a special place in my heart i fear fjWPDJSK#happy holidays everyone :) my sister and her husband are visitng and so they brought their daughter <- baby lady mona lisa darling#but fjOWDJAJSK whatd cap do to you bb…… he aint even that bad in rivals people say hes mid even#so funny my bro and i watched this What Your Vanguard Main Says About You Vid#and it was like ‘if you play cap youre probably very normal and boring But Like In A Mentally Stable Way’#and granted if you were raised by my mom youre Not mentally stable in some regard but for the most part it was so accurate we died cacklin#for mags it was just. ‘very passive but Respectfully you do your job and youre a good man’ like omg… ty….#highkey love how mags has a pretty solid rep in the rivals community like every tier list i see has him ranked pretty high#and while i dont care for meta…. its good to know i got that role/character security….#esp cause no one ever wants to play fuCKING TANK girl even joked bout the lack Of mags specifically in matches i screamed caused true#its very rare i run into other mags but when i do Its On Sight nothing else matters tbh. i am petty#i have gone very off topic … my tummy hurts we all just ate ……#ok bye i guess im gonna spend a lil more time with my family. or play rivals Im In Their Vicinity It Counts#please enjoy this pick of my baby child
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Rewatching act 2.... yeah ISHA WATCH OUT FOR THE CYCLE ISHA!!!!! NOOOOO
#ambessa setting up the logs on a fireplace while literally adding fuel to the fire with cailtyn... subtelty#silco spent his whole life trying to rile the undercity together STUPID JOKE THAT IT IS you have the chance to pull it off#isha is the true revolutionary after all... jinx get up to her level#was jinx scared of having hallucinations when the girl she released was gonna touch her shoulder??? and then she didn't#what i find really funny is that warwick knows how to use elevators and that funicular to the prison#also there is a lot of blood when he appears in the prison.... it was surprising#vander recognizing jinx with the name of powder after she complained about it eariler its just crazy crazy crazy#people commenting that its unrealistic how caitlyn bests vi when they meet in episode 6 as if there wasn't a montage about how she lost her#edge because of alcohol and living like shit.... she's not like jinx lmao....#rewatching so recently is so weird i imagine it is as close as being dr manhattan as i can get it is literally happening all at once#also the people of piltover are so dumb... lets let the government implement martial law and put this 20 something with 0 political#experience on charge with the army of this outsider agent. alright. i can tell you guys dont vote in this oligarchy you know fuck all#well i guess in that case it isnt the people of piltovers fault... just the important families that contribute in this oligarchy...#putting count fagula in charge.... salo is speciallt dumb but we all knew that#katie leung needs awards btw.... and interviews#“do not test this or you will yearn for caitlyn's dungeons” be careful singed my friend vi fell for that and look at her... her dungeons...#vander reaching for isha not jinx.... OR VI.... she just stopped him#“hes gonna kill you” and vi fighting vander to protect jinx.... yeah#and then she trusts jinx and the beast turns into vander... he serves as a recognizing tool for their true selves...#their mom being so worried about how to name vi and then names the second one POWDER kahdksjsk never not funny... also the barber of zaun#when vi joins with jayce she unlocks this loser flop aspect of her mother's inheritance.... two losers joining to maximize their joint flop#also vander kinda giving up this promise to protect the girls instead of bettering zaun... how it puts him in a standstill bc it's either or#like damn there is nothing as undoing as a daughter for reals. she didnt experience that bc she died so now vander has to and here we are#episide 6 starts with the end of the episode when viktor drops that metal piece..... hello..... is this anything#“do you think this place could work” underground utopia.... DYNASTIES AND DYSTOPIA FEAR IS NEVER AN OPTION SO DYING'S NOT A REAL PROBLEM#didnt ambessa suspect anything when they spent loke a full minite staring at each other 😭😭 she's lost her edge...#just like when she clocked sevika but not jinx... when there's a strong butch in the area her radar gets jammed up#and caitlyn leaving her weapon behind... ambessa thought she was gonna fistfight warwick or something#the metal thing falling when viktor dies repeats THREE TIMES WHAT DOES THAT MEAN#watching arcane season 2
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Hey guys
#omori fanart#omori#omori au#swingset au#aubrey omori#omori aubrey#basil omori#omori basil#todays chapter got lengthy 😕 welp guess thats what being a writer is!!#my mothetfreaking. braces appointment. i had to wake up at 6 am AND OUR PARROT DIED ALSO. sanest morning.#on the bright side i don't have to go outside#there is a dead animal in our freezer 🤯#i just wanna go to sleep tbh#SWINGSET REFERENCE SHEETS COMING SOON. I PROMISE. I SWEAR. IM WORKING ON THEM.#NOT final designs. very important. the final designs are a part of the fif after like chapter 14 or so.#can't wait to write chapter 9. lots of fun stuff. and finally something that has even some relation to canon. i promise.#the latests designs are actually close to what's final (minus a few details with stuff like clothes)#i just got an art request by my mom??? do i look like i know how to draw a parrot (related to information above)#hi tag readers. those few that read these. hiii
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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honestly like the main reason I have a first gen SE and a car that I need a cassette adapter to play music in with said phone is that we're in a phase where technology absolutely sucks ass, but it seems like people are starting to realize that it sucks ass and get fed up and I'm hoping all my ancient tech will hold out long enough for me to get a car without a start button and a phone with a headphone jack again.
#my mom was roasting my car one day and talking about how I should get a new one#and I was explaining that I hate everything being electric in new cars and I do not want something with a push button/fob to start#I want as much of my tech to be mechanical/analog as possible because it's more reliable and easier to fix#and she thought I was being ridiculous#and then we get in her car and she pushes the button and take a wild guess what happened#can you guess#if you guessed 'nothing because the button didn't work that day' you win a prize#anyway my stupid little 2004 sedan still works great I love it I will drive it until it dies completely#or until they start making cars sensibly again
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...
#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart#on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me#but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents#leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing#if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney#at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious#intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops#functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant#obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom#but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills#it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was#meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood#but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual.#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more#we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week#its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die#so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her#computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to#before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the#feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird#unrelated
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what if i faked my own death
#i bet life would get so much easier... no more debts.......#i wonder if grandma would be sorry for saying all this mean shit to me#i know it's a very childish and petty thought but i just can't help it#'oh grandma am i too fat for your liking? well guess what now i'm DEAD under mysterious circumstances and they never found my body!!'#'do i look good enough for you now?? am i finally beautiful in your eyes grandma??'#god i don't even know why do i care so much!! i shouldn't give a fuck abt her opinion#but it's so painful#she used to be my best friend#my second mom if you will#she taught me so much she shaped me as a person i used to adore her and want to be like her#but now it's only constant judgement#we don't even have much to talk about#i'm grieving the person she used to be before grandpa died and everything suddenly changed#...why does it feel so good to vent in these tags. what kind of magic is this. i like it#anyway thanks for coming to my very sad ted talk#i'll be alright i'm just on my period and i'm very sad and angry rn
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Idrk what's gonna happen in s2 and neither do I know a lot of League lore to back up my thoughts but I honestly feel confident about Caitvi surviving s2 as a couple. I have a lot of faith that Very Gay Things will be happening between them in s2. I mean —let's be fr— we barely got anywhere in their relationship in s1 and I doubt the writers would make the two do anything that'll ruin what they've established so far in the relationship. Also isn't Arcane kind of the prequel to League where Vi and Cait ends up being partners? Idk regardless of happens —which will probably be painful— I'm like 90% sure of Caitvi endgame. RIP to those sisters tho lmao
#arcane#caitvi#idk sorry for the word vomit just correct me if I'm wrong it's 2am I died in Minecraft and lost half of my inventory I'm gonna cry#God it's gonna be so sad#so far vi choosing cait over jinx has been involuntary what if when the choice truly matters she chooses cait willingly instead#niceeeeee#I'm gonna sleep#now#okay now that I'm in the verge of posting this I'm not so sure anymore#i forgot jinx blew up caits mom#idk whatever i just know they'll end up together#just kill me if I'm wrong i guess
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yall ever end up thinking back on periods of ur life and ur like. bro what
#so i dropped out of school at like 13/14 to be home fulltime to take care of my grandparents yeah yeah whtever#whats insane is remembering that when i was 15 my mom tried to arrange a marriage for me with some guy who was in his early 20s#he was the deacons EXTREMELY autistic son and we had spoken like. 3 times. it had been fine like he was pretty cool#but like. she talked me into tentatively agreeing with her. she went to talk to the deacon and everything about it#fucking hello? hello? taps the mic isaiah southern baptist child bride real?#that always pulls the same thread in my brain of how my grandparents died only a month or so apart#so the pastor had just finished doing my grandmas memorial service when we asked him to do the funeral service to bury them both together#and the first thing out of his fucking mouth was 'hah wow didnt expect to see all of you again so soon!'#and that pavilion was SILENT. besides like someone sniffling#awkward fuckhead piece of shit that guy sucked#yk he once threw away what he had written all his notes to preach on bc a gay couple had just moved to the area and wanted to try our churc#so he spent the whole time ranting about how gay people go to hell instead and they left in the middle of it crying#hell on earth.#my mom convinced him to start a school thru the church and i dont think ANY of their teachers went to college besides literally 1#bc she had just retired from the local middle school and had the free time to participate#but then i guess it all just comes back around#my brother graduated from there and became a ta when he was 18 and started dating a 14/15yo so#genuinely so glad i got the fuck outta there#what a nightmare that town was. christ
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guys this "keeping myself busy with distractions so I don't get sad" thing isn't working
#my mom is basically scrubbing the house of all traces of her bc thats how she copes. thats what she did when dad died#like two days later she was cleaning out all his medical equipment and stuff#i guess thats a way of dealing with it :( just doesnt really work for me because it makes me feel their absence even harder#like for me i personally wanted to keep Dad's stuff around for a while because. idk i guess it just felt like he was still kind of there#in a way. i guess. i dunno#obviously losing a pet is easier to deal with than losing a parent but it still blows dude i hate this#(* a parent that you had a good relationship with. i know that im very fortunate in that regard. not everyone had that and i need to count#my blessings)#idk this feels harder than losing my childhood dog because jojo was basically my constant companion for the past several years#after dad died i got suicidally depressed and didnt leave the house and was unemployed for a good chunk of time and she kept me company#taking her for walks and hikes was the only thing i enjoyed doing and the only thing that got me out of the house. she was always there#(also there's probably some psychological component to the fact that we adopted her specifically to be a companion for dad#when he was wheelchair-bound and couldnt go anywhere. so she kept him company. and then after he died she did the same for me#so. idk. like.... i feel like theres something there lol)#mia.txt#animal death
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#today my brother told me his life sucks since me and our older sibling moved back in withthe family#and i was gonna write this post to be funny because thats how i love to deal. making jokes makes it less uncomfy#but nope. im just gonna sit in the fact that my presence makes my brother's life worse#family is a rough topic for me#i am the middle of three total children#my parents done have wills. but they have life insurance#both of my siblings are beneficiaries of my mom's life insurance#not me tho. im fucked even after she dies i guess#its not about the money. to be clear. its about the fact that im the one excluded#my grandpa reached out to everyone in the family individually when he was looking go get remarries#he asked them how theyd feel about it. and let them know when he got engaged#he didnt ask or tell me#again. i dont care who he marries. but it wouldve been nice to be let in#i am just very tired of feeling like the third cousin twice removed that they barely tolerate#im very tired of feeling like my family thinks their lives wiuld be better without me#im fine. ive known this for awhile#im just processing it aloud i guess#since the whole brother thing happened today#i dont think i could ever have children. for fear of making them feel the way my family has made me feel#i cant wait to move out and go no contact. just solidify what theyve set up already#im fine. to be so clear. im a okay#just needed to get this out
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