#guess what ive missed (almost more than hiking)

[zeawesomebirdie]

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be in a place in my life where I was genuinely ecstatic to have done manual labour on the family farm again

[pale-cheezit]

Can you answer every 5th question from your 216-question ask post? Thanks!

Girl you're killin me lol. I'm bored though so thanks for giving me something to do!! I know I'm really late posting this but oh well. Thanks for the ask :)

5) Book/series I reread?

My favorite author is Tana French and I've reread her books a few times. I've reread the book "The Shack" by William P. Young a few times as well. I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting right now.

10) The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

Probably fuck. As in, "that's fucking great" or "this is fucking awesome" or something like that lol

15) Last song I listened to?

Some new Five Finger Death Punch song that was on the radio

20) Favorite video games?

Probably New Super Mario Bros

25) Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?

Ooof... I can't think of any off the top of my head. I have some actors that I like that make me go "oh theyre in this movie, it might be good" but I don't think I ever really watch anything just because of a certain actor.

30) Eye color?

Blueish/greenish. Changes colors sometimes depending on what I'm wearing.

35) Am I excited about anything?

Not really.

40) What do I think about most?

I swing wildly between thinking about insignificant nonsense and everything I'm worried/anxious about (my very uncertain future and what to do with myself and mental health shit I'm going through) and I think about my loved ones a lot too!

45) Last film I watched?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame lol

50) How do I destress?

I'm pretty good at pushing things out of my mind when I want to or need to (a blessing and a curse) Also smoke weed. Idk, feels like I'm always stressed about something in the back of my mind.

55) Play any sports?

I don't anymore but I played volleyball for almost 10 years of my life. Good times. I miss those days.

60) Pet peeve?

People that put masks on their kids.

65) What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

Friskies world from the cat food commercial of course

70) Can I sing?

I think I can sing ok. I'm not amazing but also not horrible.

75) Where do I want to live?

Away from people and traffic!!! I hate how close together the houses are in the suburbs. But I don't want to be so far in the middle of nowhere that I have to drive hours to get groceries. Idk, maybe I wouldn't mind that after awhile, I'd probably get used to it. I just want my own land and to be able to walk out the back door and have my own personal shooting range on my property.

80) Can I drive?

Yeah. Can't drive stick though. I should learn.

85) Favorite genre of music?

Rock

90) Favorite sporty activity?

Uhhh like walking or hiking I guess. Baseball definitely.

95) How tall am I?

5'7"

100) Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

I have NO friends lol

105) Last person I texted?

My mom

110) Do I like selfies?

Eh sort of. If I'm feeling good about myself, I might take a few but that's rare for me these days. I like to take pictures of much more interesting things instead! Selfies are boring!

115) Favorite number?

8 I guess

120) Am I much of a daredevil?

Depends on the situation and the mood I'm in. I can be. We all got a little daredevil in us if we drink enough lol

125) The Beatles or Elvis?

Elvis

130) Favorite piece of advice?

Hmm....Anything Jordan Peterson says is usually great advice lol. But I guess simple things like be yourself, enjoy the small things in life, never miss a good chance to shut up, others can inspire and support you- but only you can save yourself, assume you know nothing, listen to your elders cause they know a thing or two about life (SOMETIMES)

135) Do I like gossip?

Eh not really. It depends. I know I'm guilty of it because that's all women be doin but you can definitely cross a line with that stuff and some people have issues with that and that shit can be annoying. it's definitely something I try not to do too much because I wouldn't want others to gossip about me behind my back

140) Do I believe people are capable of change?

I'd like to think so. I mean, I think its not ALWAYS the case. There's definitely people that wont or cant change but there's also plenty of people that are willing to put in the work and have changed themselves and their lives.

145) In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

Bitch nobody could play me or my family better than me or my family

150) What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

I honestly don't know. I thought of a few different things and realized none of them were really decisions I 100% made for myself /: I've had a life so far that's been filled with other people making decisions for me. Kind of one of my problems I gotta work on. I guess I would say choosing to finally leave the shitty relationship I was in but he kind of left me in the end so it wasn't completely my decision. There's probably a bunch of small decisions I've made in the past that turned out great for me that I'm just forgetting right now.

155) Who is the most intelligent person I know?

I used to think my brother was because he was a genius child but then I grew up and realized there's a lot of different ways to be intelligent. I was gonna say Jordan Peterson but I dont actually know him lol. It's a hard question for me because I truly believe people are intelligent in so many different ways and Ive met many people that are smart in some ways but dumb in others. I guess my Dad would make the list if I had to pick someone.

160) What color mostly dominates my wardrobe?

BLUE

165) Do I believe in fate?

I think so. I think we can change our fate though too.

170) One of my favorite quotes?

"those who would give up essential liberty, to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."- Ben Franklin

"unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality"- Emily Dickinson

I have a TON of favorite quotes, I could take up pages lol. Those are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head.

175) Do I dream?

Yes, every single time I sleep. Even when I take a nap. I'm always dreaming.

180) Do I like shopping?

It depends on my mood and what I'm shopping for. Sometimes I'm in the mood to shop and I have fun with it but other times I'm not feeling it at all. I don't like spending money, it makes me feel guilty.

185) If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

Probably being an excellent shot. As skilled as Annie Oakley- if that's even possible haha

190) If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

60s or 70s. Maybe the 20s.

195) Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

Fuck no. Definitely wouldnt be like some sci-fi movie. It'd be fucking terrifying.

200) Dragons or wizards?

Neither. Never been into either of those things. I also never got what the big deal about dragons is

205) Do I like my handwriting?

Yeah I suppose. Its very inconsistent. It goes from messy to neat to somewhere in between all in one page. Just like me lol

210) What is on my bucket list?

Travel. See the world. I dont have anything super specific but I definitely wish I could see all this world has to offer.

215) What is the weirdest talent I have?

I have no idea. I have no talent that I can think of. I'm sure there's gotta be something but I have no clue right now.

[ask-the-party-god]

Ask The Party God - Timeline

the pre-terezi-gang timeline post is here

height references over here

hi, im jade! everyones favorite party goddess and trans doggy girl~ but you already know that! if youre reading this, it means youre interested in learning more about my reality, because paradox space is fucking weird like that and you cant really be sure all the time

as far as im aware, everything up to the point where we beat the game happened without deviations from the alpha timeline? so this is what rose has talked about as a ‘terminal timeline’, or ‘post-canon’, or whatever the hell that is supposed to mean

we got to earth-c, and i settled in the troll kingdom because trolls are cool, dave and karkat were in the neighborhood, and the caverns are close by so i can visit rose and kanaya speedily as well! i still do have my old tower out on an island, with my workshop and garden, but i almost never sleep in it, too far away and isolated from everyone...

then one day i found this old active server in the furthest ring keeping tumblr active and i thought, hey, why not have some fun? ;D

as for the others...

my darling sis june egbert! she lives in the consort kingdom, but has been thinking about relocating elsewhere lately! she went through a rough patch right after the game, unsure of what to do and full of all sorts of doubts and questions, but shes doing a lot better nowadays! specially now that terezi is back, shes been a lot more peppy and hanging around with the lalondes particularly!

rose rose rose rose~ happily married to her wife kanaya, duh, but that doesnt make her any less of a flirty cutie! a while back she got really sick for a bit, and weve been keeping an eye on her just in case it happened again, but its been all good ever since! she helps kanaya at the caverns a bunch, which makes her schedule busy busy... and you didnt hear this from me, buuuut words out on the street that she and kanaya may be warming to the idea of having a kid! <3 well see how that goes!

one cool dude~ daves a little bit of a shut-in honestly! and honestly i dont blame him? he must be tired after all the timeline and time travel shenanigans, so he spends a good chunk of his time hanging out in his and karkats house! hes kind of awkward about opening up with feelings and stuff, and ive been trying to nudge him to be more open for a while! but with all the craziness thats been going down lately, and more people coming and going and getting together, hes starting to consider things he hadnt before~ hopefully, some specific someones? ;)

janey! my uh... ecto-mom, technically, although we see each other more like cousins than anything else! she still owns crockercorp, but ever since jasprose has been around, she has been spending a lot more time at home and just hanging out with her friends, which really, sounds a lot healthier than the big business thing she had going on a while back! she enjoys teaching me baking stuff, but doesnt have much patience for my decorating skills ;p

grandpa! and grandson technically, hehe, jakes kind of a weird case, hes a mixture of a shut-in, a celebrity and an adventurer! he can spend up to weeks at a time without leaving his manor, but then hell have full weeks of interviews and hiking, and thats not to say anything of when he and dirk put out another episode or two of their dumb comedy talkshow... hes often busy with stuff, but hes still a good pal and can clear his schedule in seconds if we need him for something!

one sweet nb dude! rox really is... something else, really! fun to tag along at a party, fun to chill at home playing games, fun to talk about more serious stuff and open up with him, he really is just solid as they come! hes been hanging out a lot more with june since she got out of her depressive slump, but sometimes i wonder if junebug finds weird to get flirty with roxy, considering im pretty sure we made out in front of her at some point or two... hehehe

dirk! if daves a bit of a shut-in, hes a shut-in times two, which is weird because youd think someone stuck in post-apocalyptic earth for so long would want to hang out more? not to say he DOESNT, though! hes around jake often enough, and keeps close to jane, roxy and dave specially! we dont see each other too often, but we HAVE been messing around with robots and planning out to upgrade our respective self-bots for funsies!

aradia! we only met briefly in dreams for the longest time, but i knew already that she was a riot! she came with terezis group after she finally found vriska, and seems pretty happy just... kind of... being around and watching shenanigans ensue! i actually dont know where she lives, but she drops by occasionally, because im apparently pretty ‘fun’... cant say i disagree ;)

sollux is blind, and not dead, and WILL kick you in the shins if you keep prying about how exactly he ended up like that, which is fair enough! he spends a good chunk of his time with aradia, and im not sure if theyre dating or not...? but hes been around the other trolls a bunch! specially kanaya, apparently theyre good friends that go way back! i guess they both DO style their hair similarly, with the side spike thingies...

the other half of the dave-kat duo! swooooon~ really though, i cant remember the last time i said “dave” or “karkat” without talking about the other shortly after... buuut theyre just roomies, and hell get awkward and grumpy if you even so slightly IMPLY otherwise, despite the fact everyone knows they fall asleep leaning against each other during friday movie night! roooolling my eyes~ with the rest of the living trolls having arrived, hes been a lot more willing to go outside, which im glad for! its healthy to get some fresh air from time to time, and specially hang out with friends!

oh-la-la, miss maryam-lalonde herself! kanayas the matriarch of the caverns, and quite the busy gal, having taken it upon herself to supervise her entire species reproduction and well-being... in my opinion, she needs a good vacation from time to time, and to be less of a workaholic! >:o ive been helping her occasionally in the caverns, and as of late weve begun trying to mess around with ectobiology for some troll-human crossing experiments with... not good results so far... but hey, rome wasnt built in a day!

terezis back, yes! after spending YEARS out there looking for vriska, she managed to find her and come back, the madwoman! personally im not sure why anyone would go to such lengths for... her... but also, its not my bond, not my place to speak, she obviously really loves her a bunch! with vriska no longer lost in the middle of the furthest ring, shes started to catch up with everything going on with earth-c, and i think shes really going to like being around! specially with how much june and the rest have missed her ;)

troublemaker extraordinaire herself! shes... well, shes vriska, im pretty sure she stole that eyepatch from sollux? so you just know she up to no good already >:/ speaking of her eyepatch, im not sure WHY shes wearing it? whatever kinda wound she got, she doesnt like mentioning it, despite bragging about defeating english at every chance she gets! terezi says they found her popping in and out of consciousness in the furthest ring with some messy wounds, and that shed probably been hovering out there after the fight for years... doesnt seem to have humbled her in the slightest <.<

callieeeee! theyre super sweet and wonderful but also really shy and awkward! they live with roxy but manage to outdo dirk in terms of shut-in-ness... they also totally like roxy but is unsure about approaching those feelings considering the whole species thing and whatever, ive been trying to get them to open up for a while now! weve written fanfic together and drawn grids, so i can definitely tell theres some attraction there, even if theyre afraid of acting upon it just yet <3

jaspie is roses bane, and the one cat that made me get used to their smell enough that i dont bark at them instantly anymore! im pretty sure she crashes at janes often, and is just as outgoing and flirty as i am around earth-c parties and bars, which is saying something honestly! i wont let her dethrone me as the party god, though >:)

and finally davepeta! theyre staying with june for the time being until they can get settled around and see what they want to do here! theyve also dropped by dave and karkats a bunch, which i most certainly dont mind! i definitely appreciate some help in bringing a romantic vibe into those twos lives~ ;o

and thats about it! theres also the nannasprites and tavrosprite and arquius, but they pop by so sporadically and rarely that i dont know what theyre doing a majority of the time... we lost track of gamzee after the session so hopefully hes totally gone, and we havent heard any message from caliborn in years... and with the furthest ring broken and the black hole sealed, leaving a weird white empty space right in the middle of reality, im not sure what our chances of bringing back the other trolls are :( but still, we keep living on happily over here and having our fun slice of life ending together!

id say after everything weve gone through, we deserve a big break, dont we? hehehe <3

also, particularly important events that happen and are recorded in this blog will be tagged as timeline shenanigans!

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[fucknches]

ok now that ive completely got rid of my instagram i have no where to overshare so here we go

2020 has been a hell of a year and as tragic as its been, so far this year has been life changing for me. both positive and negative, but ill start with the negative to get it out the damn way.

i fell off with a lot of people, i guess thats one of those bittersweet ones because like i miss u but like also fuck u, u know? my dads out of my life completely but this ended up being a good thing also. i havent spoken to him in over a month and a half. it was a really tough time to deal with when he was moving out and i did a hell of a lot of crying and overthinking. i still think about it and sometimes i think too hard n cry but u know what? end of the day this is a positive too.... im realizing a lot of these “negatives” have also (sorta) been positives so! theres that. 

over time, ive realized a lot of people really just dont be giving a shit about you the way they claim to so i been keeping my small wins to myself n my v close friends. but like? im fucking proud of myself okay? i finished school dec 2019 and i passed my nursing exam and im a fucking nurse like??? and a couple months later i actually landed a nursing job? ...... then i got a fucking car? like honestly. small wins for other people but huge for me. as someone who didnt think theyd live to be 20 all my small accomplishments add up and make me feel so damn proud of myself. ive picked up crocheting/knitting again and actually put time and effort into it. ive stopped biting my nails. ive also been a little more active by learning how to skateboard, working out and the newest one, hiking with the homies. with everything ive been dealing with in between, ive really found myself persevering and just fucking TRYING for once. ive never tried before because i honestly didnt think id make it this far. but i tried, and ive been (more or less) successful. 

on a side note, i owe a lot of my success to my support system because i really couldnt do it without them. at the same time, im learning how to be a little more independent. im trying to take better care of myself so when people fall off (because they almost always do), I got myself at the end of the day. 

anyways. bottom line is ive been through more than enough throughout my life but im fucking proud of myself. and fuck anyone thats praying for my downfall. clowns. 

[omyeol]

ten seconds - iv

word count: 3,760

genre: fluff, humor

<< masterlist >>

Park Chanyeol was nervous.

This was new because he didn’t get nervous a lot of times unless during important meetings.

Well, it wasn’t new, but he was exceptionally good at maintaining his expressions so he managed to look calm. Even though deep down inside he was freaking out.

So, you could say it was a bit new because the last time Chanyeol got nervous around a woman was when Junmyeon set up a blind date for him with a woman a couple of years older than him. He was sweating bullets when he waited at the restaurant and sweated, even more, when it ended. The blind date ended badly—the woman looked down on him and tried to baby him—and he wished he stayed home instead.

(He liked being babied sometimes, but only by his close friends or the people who had known him for a long time).

Ever since that blind date, he tried to lower his expectation every time Junmyeon set him up for a blind date and that was when he stopped being nervous around women.

Until you came.

As cliche as it might sound, Chanyeol never really took a good look at you until you started working in the same company as him. Yes, he might know of you since high school because Jongin had talked so highly of you and since college too because you were a member of the student union, but he never got the chance to work closely with you—or have the chance to actually interact with you.

Yes, Chanyeol had always thought that you were sweet—Jongin never stopped praising you every time he managed to bring you up in conversation—and smart too—because if you weren’t then Junmyeon wouldn’t scout you to work together with him during college and for him too in his company. Also yes, Chanyeol thought that you were beautiful—he remembered that one time when you wore a dress to work and he literally had to stop walking to admire you.

But that was all it was. He knew of you, but he didn’t know you.

The first time he caught a layer of you was when he saw you scolding Junmyeon on the very same day you were wearing the dress. Chanyeol had business to attend with Junmyeon but his steps halted in front of his office when he saw you standing in front of Junmyeon’s desk with your hands perched on your hips.

“I told you plenty of times before to not call me after work hours. We had a deal, remember? You can email or text me and you don’t call me unless it’s urgent or a life-or-death situation. You were the one who started the deal in the first place.” Hearing this, Chanyeol stayed rooted in front of the door and waited until you were done—that wasn’t until ten minutes later, though, when you spotted him hovering outside.

Chanyeol saw how the frustrated look across your face change into a friendlier look—there was even a smile—and that was the first time he felt something stir inside of him, but he let it side. He always pushed it aside even though it happened again a few times after that—even when he passed by your desk every time he was about to go into Junmyeon’s office or when he was in the same elevator as you in the morning.

He saw you smile a lot of times before, but until now, the sight still made him smile. Your smile—no matter if it was small or wide until it stretched to your ears—was always infectious to him.

That’s why when you were smiling at the sight of the ocean as both of you drove by, Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile to himself and feel a little proud of himself of making this decision. It was actually an impulse decision, though. There were only two places to check left and Jongdae had so kindly checked one place because it was on his way to his parents’ place. Chanyeol really didn’t make him check that place by himself and bribe him with a week’s worth of lunch at the sandwich shop near the office.

(Chanyeol totally did.)

“We haven’t arrived yet, but this place has already won me over.” Chanyeol glanced at you a few times and couldn’t help the smile that stretched across his face. You were just too cute smiling while looking out at the ocean like that and if he wasn’t driving, he would have a pretty hard time holding himself back from pinching your cheeks. “The beautiful weather makes it better, too.”

The weather isn’t as beautiful as you are, though, he wanted to say, but instead, he said, “Yeah, it definitely does.”

“Gosh, when was the last time I went to a beach?” You mused out loud and missed the way Chanyeol took another glance at you.

“Should we stop by the beach later?” Chanyeol could feel your eyes on him once the question was out of his mouth. “It’d be fun. It’s been a while since I went to a beach too.” It was out of his mouth before he could properly think about it, but after hearing the ecstatic ‘yes’ from you, he didn’t regret it one bit.

It was not in the plan, actually. His plan was actually to get back to Seoul by dinner time so he could take you for a dinner at his favorite place—and probably a walk in the park around Han river, if you were willing. He had planned to buy some desserts too—ice cream or a bowl of bingsu with you, again if you were willing to do that—before he dropped you off by your door. But maybe, straying away from his actual plan and just riding the flow for once would be nice. Who knew maybe it could probably lead him somewhere he was planning to go.

Naksan beach was beautiful. That was the first thing that crossed your mind when you and Chanyeol got out of the car and finally walked to the beach.

Well, it’s already night and you couldn’t see anything besides the sand and hear the small waves crashing to the shores, but the sight of it was enough for you. There was something refreshing about the wind and the faint smell of the salty water. The wild, childish part of you wanted to take off your shoes and hike up your pants so you could feel the sand between your toes, but the much more mature and rational part of you, that told you to take a deep breath and enjoy it quietly, won.

Taking off your shoes, you felt the sand between your toes and smiled at the familiar feeling. With your shoes on one hand and your bag on another, you stood still and looked down at the sand, trying to capture the sight and memorize it.

“Oh, this is nice.” Turning to look over your shoulder, Chanyeol, too, had taken off his shoes and walked slowly on the sand. It was an interesting sight, watching him walk barefoot with his rather semi-formal attire, but the goofy smile on his face and a faint coo—your heart was about to burst when you heard it—that’s out of his mouth when he felt the sand in between his toes were even more interesting and amusing.

Once he was near, you realized that he had a towel on his hand. He laid the towel on the sand and gestured for you to sit on it. Without really thinking about it, you casually sat on the towel, but then, you felt like your heart about to leap out of your chest when Chanyeol sat next to you. The towel wasn’t really big, so he sat really close and even your thigh could almost touch his.

You didn’t expect this. Never in your life before. Your heart was racing, but you told yourself to calm down. There was no reason for you to act like a fool like this. Chanyeol was just your boss—and your friend too. Nothing to be nervous about.

“We should convince Jongdae and the entire team to pick this hotel. It’s definitely best out of the ones we’ve checked.” It was the only thing you could think of to say, to break the silence between the two of you. You pulled your legs back and rested your chin on your kneecaps, letting out a sigh.

“It’s actually a little bit over the budget we settled, but I think that can be handled. We could figure things out.” You nodded at his words, glad that he thought the same as you did.

The hotel you checked was really nice, though. The beach was only about 20 minutes from there, and there was also a hiking track that led to the mountain and the well-known temple in the area. The facilities they had were outstanding too, and you really thought it was the one. Both of you only needed to convince the rest of the team (and Junmyeon) to pick this one. It wouldn’t be too hard, you were sure. You knew the beach would be a total selling point.

“When was the last time you went to a beach?” You couldn’t help but ask, after thinking about the beach.

“Uh, it’s been so long...” He paused. You turned your head to watch him, watching how he tilted his head up to the sky and blinked his eyes slowly as if it would fasten the wheels turning in his brain. “I think… about two years ago? I guess it’s when I went to Jeju-do with Junmyeon-hyung and Jongdae.” You hummed, nodding softly.

“It must’ve been nice,” you breathed out and Chanyeol tilted his head back down, turning a little bit to see you. “The last time I went to Jeju-do was when I was a kid.”

“You’re kidding.” You shook your head and chuckled at his disbelief.

“There’s no point of going to Jeju-do for the beach when this one isn’t even an hour away from home.” You turned your head away from him and stared at the water crashing onto the shore calmly, letting out a sigh at the memories of you and Jongin visiting the beach at night. “I went here a lot with Jongin when we had tons of things to think about.”

Back in your college day, there was a time in your senior year where you would go to the beach with Jongin almost every month on weekend—if both of you weren’t swamped up with mounting homework and a strong desire to sleep in. Jongin, the one with a car was always up to come with you to visit your parents—who had just moved—and stop by the beach before going back to Seoul. The two of you would sit on the sand and talk about a lot of things. Jongin would talk about the expectations his parents had because he was the only son in the family and how afraid he was of letting them down. Meanwhile, you would talk about the insecurities you had on your studies and the endless what-ifs of how your life would be after college.

But the last time you went to the beach wasn’t with Jongin. Too impatient to call and wait for Jongin, you borrowed your parents’ car and drove here by yourself. It was clearly a different experience, but it was nice. Unlike before where you mused out loud your worries to your cousin, you still kept it to yourself, but the beach was quiet and serene enough that you could hear yourself think.

(You only stayed for about thirty minutes, though. The beach was just too quiet and you were getting scared of staying by yourself).

“The last time I went here was after Junmyeon offered me this job,” you continued, a light chuckle escaping your lips.

“It wasn’t in your plan, was it? To work with Junmyeon?” His voice was soft and low, almost like he was whispering.  

“Well, I was aiming to work at a publishing company, you know. I applied to some companies but the results weren’t what I hoped so I took his offer in the end. Thought it’s better than being jobless for too long.” You shifted around and straightened your legs in front of you because it was starting to cramp. “What about you? Is it really what you wanted since the beginning?”

“I think so? I mean, I’ve never really thought about it because this is what we’ve been doing since the beginning, you know?” You didn’t quite get what he said, but you kept quiet and waited for him to finish your words. “But if there was another career path I’d like to pursue, it’s probably to become a photographer.”

Out of every the encounter you had with Chanyeol back in college, he had always had his camera with him. He didn’t use it every single time you saw him, though, but he always kept it by his side. There was also that one time where you met him when you were doing a freelance job and Chanyeol was there to help his cousin with his photoshoot too. When you saw him that day, you only passed him a smile and said hello briefly. You were way too timid to approach him and spend some time to talk to him back then.

That’s why, if you thought about it, you could’ve laughed at the situation you’re in at the moment. Never in a million years had you thought you’d be sitting on a beach with Chanyeol. This situation was weird but good weird.

Both of you stayed for a little while—Chanyeol asking about Jongin and if you noticed how he’d been too happy and energetic these days (you didn’t). Chanyeol told you about how Jongin had become even better at his job and how Chanyeol felt like telling Junmyeon to give your cousin a promotion. You were surprised at it—glad that Jongin was doing good—and supported Chanyeol of his decision.

“Should we go back now?” You asked once he was done telling you about Jongin. You realized that the night was getting deeper and if you didn’t leave any sooner, you’d reach Seoul at midnight.  

“Yeah, I think so,” Chanyeol agreed and stood up from the blanket, dusting off the back of his pants to make sure that there weren’t sand stuck on it. You waited until he moved a little bit to the side so you could stand up without bumping into him, but he stuck his hand out to you instead.

Blinking your eyes at his hand, you stared at it with furrowed eyebrows and looked up to see Chanyeol smiling down at you softly. “C’mon. I’ll help you up.”

Your heart skipped a beat at the gesture, but you decided quickly to not think too much about it. Inhaling a sharp intake of breath, you put your hand on his and gripped it tightly. He pulled you up to your feet, taking your breath away as he did so. It felt like a rush, having your hand in his—even though it was only out of courtesy—and you hoped that your hand didn’t suddenly become sweaty because that would be embarrassing.

“Thank you.” Flashing him a small smile, you took a step back and let go of his hand so you could dust off the back of your pants.

Before joining him back in his car, you made your way to the convenience store and bought some drinks—a bottled coffee specially for Chanyeol because you figured out how much he liked coffee and a couple of bottles of water. It was, at least, the thing you could do since he paid for dinner and even took some of his time to sit with you on the beach.

The whole day you tried to push the nerves from showing through, but when you finally sat in the passenger seat with Chanyeol driving next to you and none of you saying anything, it all came back to you slowly—meeting your parents briefly and spending a bit of time at the beach. It hadn’t even been long since you started talking to Chanyeol (and meeting with him, too, sometimes) but it gave you a feeling like you had been friends with him for long. Even though, yes, you’d known him for long, but you never reached this level of being friends with him.

It felt nice if you were being honest with yourself. It was kind of nerve-wracking too because while you had told yourself to keep calm and be cool with the whole thing, it was hard. The underlying feelings for him from the early days sometimes liked to come up to the surface and mess with you. Especially when Chanyeol did things that seemed too friendly for you—like when he sat a little bit too close to you or when he suddenly grabbed your hand to help you stand.

You tried your best to not think too much of it, but you couldn’t help it. As the songs from whatever playlist Chanyeol put on filled the car on your way back to Seoul, those thoughts dominated your brain. Your head became quite a jumbled mess that you ended up tuning out everything and fell asleep.

You didn’t know how long you were asleep for, but when you woke up, the car was already parked in the apartment parking lot and there were feather-light touches on your cheek. Those touches were so light it almost lulled you deeper into the dreamland if there weren’t continuous calls of your name.

At the familiar voice, you let out a loud yawn and opened your eyes. Seeing Chanyeol’s face, the realization hit you late. Your eyes widened a bit as you sat straighter in your seat, hands busy tidying your hair.

“We’re here,” he spoke softly, a hint of amusement lacing in his tone.

“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry I fell asleep.” You hated how panicky you sounded, but you calmed down a little bit when Chanyeol shook his head faintly, a little smile (and dimple) showing on his face.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” You let out a sigh of relief and smiled sheepishly at him, thankful that he was kind enough to let you sleep—although you felt kind of sorry because you weren’t awake to accompany him and talk to him as he drove.

The walk to your apartment was spent in silence. Since you were still kind of sleepy, you couldn’t even find yourself to make a conversation with him. All you wanted was to lean on him and shut your eyes for a few seconds until the elevator reached your floor. Too bad you couldn’t, though. So, you just kind of stood there and fought the sleep coating your eyes.

“Are your parents staying over for the night?” Chanyeol asked when the elevator reached your floor. He let you walk out first and hovered his hand on your lower back—you could feel it.

“Yeah, they’re going home tomorrow by train,” you casually answered, each step took you closer to your apartment and left you little time to spend with him. When you finally reached your door, though, you just sighed and turned your back to the door so you could face Chanyeol.

The two of you just stood there. You had to look up a bit to get a good look of his face, which you did—and it was a good idea, to take one last good look of his face before you went to bed. There weren’t many chances where you could see how Chanyeol looked like when he was bone-tired and sleepy—the tiredness might have just caught up to him—and the soft, sleepy look across his face tugged at the strings of your heart. The urge to tuck him into bed was strong, but there was no way you could act on it, so you just did nothing.

Thankfully, Chanyeol broke the silence first. “I’ll see you at the office, then.” Even when he’s tired, he still managed to crack a thin smile for you. The urge to coo was, once again, strong. It didn’t help when he kind of looked like a tired grown-puppy—especially with his messy hair.

“Yeah, sure. Thank you for today, too, by the way. For, you know, picking me and my parents up at the mall and driving them home too.” You were genuinely thankful, even though your parents kind of embarrassed you a bit, but it was all fine because Chanyeol didn’t really think too much of it—bless his heart.

“It’s no problem.” You nodded. And then, Chanyeol did something unthinkable to you. He raised his hand to put it on your hand and ruffled your hair, messing it up a good measure and your heart might have just skipped a fucking beat. “Get some rest, okay?” His voice went a bit low and he trailed his hand lower until he could tuck a little bit of your hair to the back of your ear, before finally dropping his hand to the side. The only thing you could do—other than widening your eyes a tad bit—was just nod dumbly.

“You, too,” you croaked out and cleared your throat.

He nodded at you once, faintly, before turning and walking the short walk to the elevator. You still stayed there, in front of your door, and waited until he got into the elevator and flashed you one last smile for you to keep until Monday before the door closed between the two of you. When it was only just you, you noticed how odd you felt after spending a whole day with him. How the dynamic between the two of you had shifted a little bit into something so familiar but odd at the same time, but also the dynamic that you welcomed with open arms.

Your tired brain wasn’t thinking about the consequences just yet, though. Your brain was still happily indulging the fireworks in your heart. It was still too early to think about the consequences, your heart decided. Even though you were sure that once the morning came and you could think over the things happened today, your brain and heart would be on different sides and you would be left confused by everything.

[swayinghummingbirds]

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 

so anyways. 

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk. 

[boymeetsweevil]

blue, not blanc - nsfw

Grouping: Reader x Jimin, SMUT wow

Word Count: ~4.5k 

Warnings: straight up sex, fingering, panty fetish perhaps? breathplay if you squint?? DEFINITELY NSFW

Based off the following prompt :) 

1.5 months before

Jimin was cooking dinner, like the good fiancé he was. You slid into a seat at the breakfast bar and sighed, hoping he would turn around to see what you needed. When he merely hummed in greeting you were forced to cut to the chase.

“I have a favor to ask you,” your sheepish tone finally made him to look up from the red sauce he had been painstakingly simmering, “I need you to be my date for the black and white investment dinner. I’m letting you know now so you can’t say you already made plans.”


“How do you know I don’t already have plans?”


“Jimin, please. Its a month and a half from now and we know you don’t plan that far ahead.”


“Maybe I should start.” He stuck his tongue out at you before turning back to his precious marinara.


“You can start by making sure you have a suit. And it has to be white.”

“Why does it have to be white? Isn’t that too...Las Vegas or something?”


“Its white because the firm chooses the color scheme. This year the investors wear black and the firm employees wear white. It’s an annual thing. Please.”


Jimin sighed, but didn’t argue further. You came as his date to all the horrible holiday parties they hosted every year at the newspaper. You even bought an ugly sweater the year he had been trying to suck up to his boss for a promotion. To this day he’s convinced that heinous wool article is what got him his current position of junior editor.

“What color should the tie be?” He walked over to your spot at the kitchen table, one hand cupped beneath the wooden spoon he held in the other. You leaned in to try it before flashing a thumbs up when it didn’t seem to be lacking any specific ingredient.


“The tie doesn’t have to be a specific color as long as it goes with your suit and my dress,” you froze mid sentence, “Shit. I need a dress.” You were quiet for a few beats as you watched him hunt around for the chili pepper flakes before calling his name sweetly. Too sweetly.


“What is it now?”


“I have such a bad migraine that if I so much as look at another screen tonight, I’ll cry. Do you think maybe you could possibly buy the dress for me after dinner? From that French store where you bought that scarf you got me?”


“Sure.”


“Great. I’ll send you the links. Oh, I need their no-show underwear too. It’s better than going commando, I swear,” you said cheerfully as you pulled out your phone.


“I thought your head was going to explode if you looked at another screen.”


“How else am I going to send you the links, Minnie?”


He raised an incredulous eyebrow and put a steaming plate in front of you.

“So, do I have to buy them tonight or can it wait a little. I’m waiting on a call from Taehyung about the parts for that vintage coffee maker I’ve been working on.”


“Well,” you chewed your noodles thoughtfully, “I guess as long as you don’t wait longer than 2 weeks. Everything always sells out of that shop really fast so you have to be quick about it, especially the underwear. I would buy it myself but my boss has been working me to the bone with reviewing these new manuscripts.”


“Leave it to me.”


24 days following

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” he muttered to himself.

Jimin felt anxious sweat begin to prick at his hairline as he read your messages over and over again. He checked his calendar and grimaced when he saw that there were less than 3 weeks until the dinner and he still hadn’t ordered your clothes like you’d asked him to.

Once his order was called, he took his drink and sprinted out of the coffee shop he had been working in to drive back to his apartment where he’d left his laptop.

Your warning about items selling out and customs holding packages for an extra long time haunted him as he scoured his texts for the links you’d sent a little less than a month ago.

Jackpot.

He opened your laptop and carefully typed in the name of the dress you had bookmarked and sent to him. It was a nice dress, he noted, as he clicked on the drop-down menu and scrolled through the color available color options. When his cursor landed on the color IV (for ivory, as detailed in your text) he said a small thank you to the forces of the universe above. He added the dress to the cart and went to the search bar again to find the underwear. He blew out another breath of relief when he saw that the famous no-show panties weren’t all sold out. 

He searched for ivory again but he couldn’t find it. Is it sold out? How could it be sold out? All that’s left is BL. What’s BL. BL...for blanc because its french for white and ivory is white. I’m a genius. he pat himself on the back as he put the underwear in his cart and entered his card number. He had to grit his teeth when he saw the large chunk of change it would cost him to expedite shipping, but he supposed it was a meager price to pay for almost missing out on buying your dress after you’d asked so far in advance. 10 days later, Jimin received the package and called you to let you know that as soon as you finished your last manuscript you should hurry over and try on the dress to see if it needed any alterations. You swung by one morning later in the week to try on the dress in his en suite on your way to work. 

“Does it fit,” he asked in a half yawn as he leaned against the bathroom door. He nearly fell on his face when you swung the door open and handed him the haphazardly folded dress because you were running late.


“Yep. See you back here Friday! Make sure your suit is ready,” you shouted before swinging his door closed.


The day

Friday rolled around too quickly for comfort. You had barely gotten 2 days to rest from non-stop reading and editing before you had to commute to Jimin’s immediately after work. 

“Who the fuck schedules a gala at 7:30 on a Friday”, you had fumed to yourself earlier during rush hour.

Currently, Jimin was brushing his teeth in the bathroom frantically, dress shirt still half open, only briefs, and tube socks adorning his lower half. He was thinking about whether he would need to waste time styling his hair, seeing as the humidity from his shower was causing it to wave gently, when he heard a shout from the bedroom.

“Wha happeth? Ah you hut?” He panted around his toothbrush.


Nothing seemed to be wrong. Half your hair was in curlers and you still had your towel on as you stared down into the box where the dress and underwear were stashed away.

“I told you to order white underwear. Look at this,” you pulled the panties from their wrapping to reveal that they were in fact slightly lighter than Tiffany blue. “Minnie, didn’t you check the color before you selected it?”


“I dih--” he ran to rinse out his mouth and replace his toothbrush before coming back. “I did. It said it was white, it had a little BL and everything. For blanc. Because its French,” he trailed off. You squeezed your eyes shut.

“The site settings were in English, Jimin. I can’t read French. BL is blue,” you said quietly.


You picked up the receipt and handed the slip to the confused man.

“It says BL for---for blue.”


“Yeah,” you said lowly as you began to pull on the delicate underwear.


“I-I’m sorry. I really thought I picked the right color.”


“It’s alright, Minnie. It was a simple mistake, I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up in the first place. You were only helping me.”


“At least it’ll be covered up by your dress, right?” 


“At least there’s that,” you gave him a shaky smile, “Are you done with the bathroom? I’ll just go finish up in there and meet you by the door.”


“Alright.” He ran a head through his hair nervously, mussing up his bangs slightly. 

As he spun his car keys around, Jimin wondered whether the clothing would put a damper on the rest of the night when the sound of your shoes approaching shook him out of his musings.

The ivory of the dress looked against your skin was amazing and the way it molded itself to your figure took his breath away. But he could tell by the way your lips were drawn that you were still upset.

“What’s the matter?”


“The dress its...see-through. You can see the blue. I’m going to be the laughing stock of the whole company.” Jimin’s eyes dipped down and he saw that the blue stood out through the sheer, satiny material of the dress. 


“How about you call in sick and skip it. There’s no use in being uncomfortable all night for no reason.”


“I can’t. I volunteered to handle the jewelry auction. And my promotion is practically contingent on my being there. I have to go.” Frustrated tears welled up in your eyes.


“Well, you look beautiful. I almost don’t regret picking the wrong color,” he said while shrugging off his white suit jacket, “You can use this as a cover. It was making me feel too Vegas anyway.”

The joke fell flat when you simply spread your hands over the skirt one final time and took the jacket. You mumbled a quiet “Thank you.”

Much to his chagrin, the dress did put a damper on the whole evening. More specifically, on your evening. Jimin had a relatively good time. He had 3 free Shirley Temples and a shameful amount of gluten-free mini quiches. But even on the car ride home, your disappointment towards having to wear a jacket over such a beautiful dress all evening was palpable. When you arrived home, both of you seemed to release breaths you didn’t realize you were holding.

Immediately you began to strip out of your attire, exhausted from the gala. Jimin couldn’t help but watch you peel off the dress in your haste to get ready for bed. Because you were wearing a towel earlier, he hadn’t gotten a look at the delicate garments you had on underneath.

“Those are pretty on you,” he ventured quietly, ”The color is good.”


“Thanks. I can’t wait to go straight to sleep.”

 You removed your bra, threw on a sleep shirt, and hiked some sweatpants over the blue underwear.


He nodded and got ready for bed as well, all the while the image of you in blue burned bright on the backs of his eyelids while he waited for you to finish cleaning your teeth and washing your face. 

When Jimin felt the mattress dip with your weight, he waited a bit to gauge your mood. With your back to him and the way you lay close to the far edge of your side, it seemed you were still upset. But you weren’t the type to hold grudges and if you did linger on anything, you tended to internalize it, even if it was someone else’s fault. He reached a tentative hand out pat the curve of your hip.

“Not tonight, Jimin. I’m not in the mood right now.” You shifted to shrug his hand off.


“I really wasn’t trying anything. How do you know I’m not in the mood either?”


You turned to look at him over your shoulder and give a small laugh despite yourself. “You’re always in the mood, Minnie.”

“Hey, now,” he shuffled closer, sensing a lightening of the atmosphere, “I’m not always in the mood. You just looked especially good tonight.”


“How could I have looked good with your stupid jacket on. No one even got to see my dress.” 

Your voice was small, but it didn’t quite sound sad and he took a leap of faith by sliding the hand that was resting near your hip to snake underneath your sleep shirt and press to your stomach, pulling you in flush to him.


“That’s everyone else’s loss. But it doesn’t mean you didn’t look good”. He nuzzled his nose against the curve of your neck and let his hand knead lightly at the skin of your side. “Plus, I feel like we have a little secret since I was the only one who got to see you in that dress.”


“Well, I didn’t do that on purpose. Better you be the one to see those horrible underwear ruin the dress than my boss.” You closed your eyes and let the feeling of Jimin’s fingers gliding underneath the waistband of your sweats soothe you before you realized what he was doing. “Jimin!”

“What? I’m just touching you. Is that no longer allowed? Am I on probation?” He pulled the sagging collar of your shirt down and peppered soft, wet kisses across the parts of your neck the he could reach. It tickled and you barely held in a laugh.


“Yes, that’s exactly what this is. You’re on probation.”


“Okay, so let me probe a little bit,” he said with a mischievous lilt in his voice before yanking your sweatpants down unceremoniously. 


“Park Jimin,” you shouted when the colder air of the bedroom hit your skin, “That’s not even what probation means, you’re so--what is it?”


You peered at his face only to follow his fixed gaze down to the vibrant blue cloth covering your pelvis.

“Nothing, it’s just pretty,” he said almost to himself, his tone distracted and light. He smoothed a hand over the material, marveling at how smooth the fabric was. “You know my favorite color is blue.”


“Are you saying you did this on purpose?” You tried to scoot away experimentally but his hold remained firm. 


“I already told you it was an accident. But I’m realizing now it was a happy one.” 

“Yeah?” Your own voice sounded dreamy and far away as you basked in all the attention. He only hummed in response before making his move.

Now that you were somewhat pliant, Jimin wedged his other arm under you so he could further envelope you. One hand remained where it was, caressing the silken fabric without doing anything too risky. The other hand, however, quickly made its way over to your breasts. He massaged them gently, at first, until your nipples began to brush more firmly against his palms. He began to tweak them and pull, knowing it was the fastest way to get you squirming.


You arched your back in response and ended up pushing your hips back against his, accidentally grinding on him. You could feel his hardness through the double layer of the barely-there material of your panties and his boxers. Coupling this with the feeling of his hand traveling under your shirt to continue its ministrations on your nipples and the creeping sensation of his other hand as he fingered the intricate laser-cut designs above your mound. It was almost too much and you felt like you were being bombarded. You tried to sneakily tug the waistband of your sweats up as you distracted him as best you could by rubbing up against his front, but he caught onto your plan. His hand left the confines of your shirt quickly to grip at your throat and force you to lengthen your neck obediently.

“Just let me see, baby. I just wanna see.” His voice was lower than his normal speaking tone, and noticeably rougher. He turned his mouth to suck at the spot on your neck where your skin felt the softest and placed a warm hand over yours. 

He guided the hand you had holding the sweatpants down teasingly slow. There was something erotic about the movement that made you whimper quietly. He must have heard the sound because soon he was shushing you softly and finished pulling down the sweatpants as far as he could. You kicked them off the rest of the way before realizing your hands felt awfully empty. You tried to turn to face him, but he wrapped a tight arm around and simply plucked at your nipples a little rougher, nipped at the skin of your shoulder a little more harshly. 

“Jimin.” You felt too warm with the heat he was radiating at your back and even with the sleep shirt you had on bunched up at your underarms.

“I know what you need,” he said in a voice that pretended to be thoughtful and selfless. 

His free hand finally passed your mound to press between the apex of your thighs. The angle was a bit awkward with his arm winding around your torso, but with coordination he was able to circle his fingertips around your clit. At this point, you still had too much lucidity and were worried that he would ruin the expensive underwear and stain it irrevocably with your arousal.


You started to protest but he seemed to read your mind and give your throat a warning squeeze with his free hand. With the other, he shifted to swipe a few fingers near your clothed entrance. He made a pleased sound when he brought his hand back up and the tips of his fingers caught the low lamp light and glistened.

“Open.” He held his fingers up before your lips, his grip on your neck loosening so you could move to suck them into your mouth. 

You made sure to graze his fingertips with kitten licks before popping them out your mouth when you knew they were clean. Jimin nudged at your cheek with a slightly damp hand until you turned enough for him to kiss you, wanting to chase whatever was left of your taste. He groaned at the feeling of you licking into his mouth and you felt him throb where his groin was pressed against your ass. You kissed slowly for a long moment, all the while his other hand continued to rub figure eights around your clit before circling back down to the now sopping material covering your entrance. 


The onslaught of sensation was enough to have you gasping and breaking the kiss. You let out a long, broken moan as he hooked his fingers underneath the material to feel the wetness without a barrier, although it left little to the imagination at this point.

“I wanna be inside you badly right now,” he mumbled shakily. The tremors in his voice sent another wave of excitement through you. You loved when he got overwhelmed.


“Please, oh my god. I need it.” 

You breathed heavily out your nose to keep quiet while he shoved his boxers off. He pressed against you with renewed vigor and you both groaned at the feeling of his overheated skin pressing against yours. You moved to pull your panties off but he stopped you.


“Keep them on. I want you to slide them to the side and hold them like that while I fuck you.”


“How do you want it,” you asked as you stretched your hand out to reach for the condoms that lived in a bowl under the bed. You nearly threw the condom in his face when you finally grasped at a foil packet. He rolled it on and inspected it briefly before grabbing at the meat of your thigh to lift your leg and bring it to rest over one of his own.

“Like this. On your side, from the back. I want to be able to see you in these panties.”

Pressing a hand over your lower belly, he pulled you flush against him once more to line up his swollen head with your entrance. He bumped against you a few times to coat himself with your slickness. At the feel of the initial stretch you grit your teeth.

“You feel so good,” you sputtered when he finally bottomed out. His girth was one of the things you gave thanks for most. You felt perfectly full and the slick smoothness of his entry had your head spinning. He pressed his forehead to your shoulder and began to rock into you, shallowly at first.


“So do you. God,” he let out a whine when you clenched around him as he went deeper, “You’re so fucking wet.”


He shifted to plant a foot on the bed for leverage and so he could maneuver his hand back in between your now more open thighs. His fingertips bumped yours where they pulled the crotch of the panties up and to the side. You felt him grab your hand and move it slightly higher and more inward. It became clear what his motives were when the fabric caught on your clit with the force of every thrust. You grip on the fabric tightened as your back bowed, pressing yourself more firmly against him. Jimin moaned at the fresh wave of arousal you coated him with.

“Jimin,” your voice was tight with need and nearly drowned out but the slick sounds his thrusts made. 


“Harder?”


“Yeah,” you breathed, feeling your orgasm start to build. 

He cursed when you tightened up on him once more and rewarded you with a sharp smack to the globe of your ass. He began to fuck you in earnest.

“Arch your back, baby” he grunted. 

But before you could blink through the fog of your impending orgasm to comply, he brought his free hand up to cup your throat and pull you back how he wanted you. He squeezed a little for good measure and you felt an almost electric shock in your groin. You let go of the underwear in favor of tending to your clit with your own fingers at the same moment that he began to truly plow into you. Your toes started to curl and you marveled through your hazy consciousness at how your orgasms started the same way.


It started tonight, like it always did--with a pin-prick of pleasure that had you squirming. Then it turned into white hot waves building from the soles of your feet upwards. As the feeling reached your belly, the pleasure became molten and pulled every muscle in your body taut. You could feel your limbs shaking but you were too far gone to signal to Jimin that you were about to come, your breath leaving your mouth in increasingly small choked gasps. The pressure that had been building steadily in your abdomen snapped and you fell off your precipice screaming.

Watching you fall apart was always one of Jimin’s favorite pass-times. As you trembled before him, he tried his best to keep his eyes open so he could see you. But the way your walls gripped him tore his attention away. He squeezed his eyes shut and rutted up into you to chase his own high. It rippled through him faster than he was expecting, forcing him to tighten his grip on you to ground himself.

You calmed down first and listened to the sounds of his labored breaths in your ear. Luckily, you were on your side, so you didn’t have to worry about him collapsing on top of you or having to balance from on top of him to your side of the bed. Your back felt too sweaty though and you frowned at the thought of getting up again to take another shower before being able to sleep. When he eventually got out of bed to dispose of the condom and start the shower you grimaced at the feeling of cooling perspiration and tugged off your sleep shirt in hopes of dabbing at the moisture. 

“You coming,” Jimin asked when he came to lean on the doorframe of the bathroom.


You nodded and got up carefully, not wanting to overestimate the leftover strength in your knees and fall. You discarded your panties and he watched you hobble past him to the toilet with a smug expression. 

“I bet you’re not still upset about the underwear now,” he smirked at you while sliding open the door to the shower and stepping in.


“I bet you were never really sorry about buying my underwear late,” you countered over the sound of the water. You flushed the toilet and smiled softly to yourself while your washed your hands and he screamed at the momentary change in water temperature. 

He stuck his head out of the door as he waited for the warm water to return. “How did you know I bought it late?”


“You bought them on my account. I got the order confirmation and the email, it just got buried because I was swamped with work. But I saw while I was checking my phone in line for the women’s room at the gala.”


He had enough sense to give you smile that was 40% apology and 60% cheekiness.

“These are nicer than ivory,” he said with an exaggerated snobby accent.


“How? Because you got to play the white knight and lend me your suit jacket?”


“No,” Jimin trailed off. He stuck a hand out to pull you into the shower with him. “They’re nicer because they’re the underwear I fucked you in.”


“How charming. You know, the ivory could have been that pair too.”


“I don’t know. Nothing gets me in the mood faster than a nice blue. Why do you think its my favorite color?”


“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Maybe so,” he stepped aside to let you have a turn with the water.

“Wash my hair? Its the least you can do.”


When you both finished showering, you could tell that it was way past your bedtime but you had to wait until Jimin changed the sheets. You were so tired you would have gladly slept on them, but he had a thing about post-sex sheets.

You blotted the ends of your hair with an old t-shirt and watched him make the bed with a neatness you’d only seen in hospitals. A spot of blue caught your attention and you realized you left your panties on the floor. You pinched them by the corner daintily and moved to put the garment in his laundry basket.

“Wait,” he said and plucked the panties out of your hands before shoving them in the back pocket of his sweats.


“What are you gonna do with those?”


“I don’t know. Save them for a rainy day, probably.” He gave you a wink before returning to fluff the pillows one last time.

[fluttersheep]

51-60 for the ask meme !

bless u

Have you ever been on a plane?

ya a few times! mostly when i was younger. i havent been on one in years and honestly ive developed this irrational fear of flying over time for no reason so now i dont wanna ever get on one lmao

Have you ever kissed a picture?

no????? what does this mean omg who does that

Have you ever slept in until 3?

lmao im sure. i cant think of a specific time but im pretty sure everyone has done that at some point. im sure i did it more than a few times in college when i was always exhausted/very depressed

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?

im gonna assume this means romantically?? in which case no lol none of my partners ever earned my love and i dont miss any of them

i mean i love my friends. and can u miss someone who u havent met irl yet? idk idk ill say no for this one

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?

ive never laid on my back to do it bc bugs like me a lot but i like to watch the sky when i go on a hike or smth and reach the top of the mountain/end of the trail/whatever

Have you ever made a snow angel?

whats snow ive never heard of her

Have you ever played dress up?

yeah i love trying outfits on. also i remember when i was like 7 or smth and was playing dress up with myself and put on a vampire cape and sat in sort of childs pose for a while bc i was dressing up as bunnicula

i was just curled up like that, alone in the hallway, for a good ten minutes or so bc i wanted to be in character ig??? babys first cosplay

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

i guess?? like ive played pokemon roms and have used the rare candy glitch bc im lazy. sometimes ill do the infinite/99 lives cheats in spyro and crash and games like that bc im just there to have a good time

Have you ever been lonely?

all the time babeyy

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

yeah i remember in university i was taking a rly big exam for an environmental writing class and fell asleep like literally mid essay. i managed to make it through it but my head kept doing that nodding off thing and almost hit the desk 

[jaeyooniverse]

Heyo, fantasy friend here! Oh roller skating at the park sounds like a lot of fun, how did it go?

Yeah... a pretty big chunk of the groups I'm into are getting to an age where the members have to start enlisting 😔 I've temporarily lost three biases to the military already and the time is coming when another (Youngbin) is going to have to go as well :( this is what I get for biasing mostly older members... At least enlisting earlier means they'll be back earlier though 😭 small comforts

It is super neat to figure out how things tie together! I love seeing the connections between things that seemed entirely different before and how they affect each other, it's really exciting 😄 ooh what kind of project is it? I imagine you use programming quite a lot especially with the AI stuff so good luck on that 💕 I'm cheering you on!

Ah I see you have a mindset kind of like mine 😂 I love learning so much and I would study everything if I could, it's too bad there's not enough time to learn about everything (not to mention the amount that would cost in tuition!) I think that's the one thing that would tempt me to seek immortality... imagine having unlimited time to discover more about the world and how it works, and people and how they work, and to explore places and ideas and skills... man it would be so cool!!

Omg that picture is so pretty!! It sounds like it was really awesome 😄 now I'm remembering the time I went camping in a redwood forest with my family and we hiked up to a waterfall, I had a lot of fun on that trip and the forest was beautiful 😌

There are a few tricks I use to stay cool but I think the easiest one is to take a cold shower and then not dry your hair afterwards (obviously dry it enough that it doesn't drip everywhere, but like... as little as possible), the water will cool you off and then since your hair is wet it won't act as insulation to keep your head warm, and as it evaporates that will also keep you cool! Another one is to use ice packs, those can help a lot.

Tbh I think the fires are a lot more dangerous than the earthquakes at least in my experience, I've never been in an earthquake big enough to cause any damage but there have been some really serious fires in my area that affected a lot of people including ones I knew so that feels like a more immediate danger to me - idk though, every place has its risks and benefits and I'm willing to put up with it haha

Hm I think I'm most excited for the music but also the MV, it seems like it's going to be really cool! I'm obsessed with aesthetics so I can't wait to see the whole thing 👀 and I bet the gifs and edits everyone's going to make will be amazing as well!! If there are any particularly awesome shots in the music video I might even draw something based on it, I haven't really drawn in ages but maybe this will be the thing that gets me out of my rut 😌 I'll almost definitely be making edits and/or moodboards though so I'm excited to do that as well!

Hope you have a good day! 💖

it went okay! i was scared i was gonna get caught in the rain bc the sky was kinda gray on my walk over there but it didn't, and the weather was pretty nice overall! i'm still learning so i was pretty much just going around in circles the whole time 😂 but it was fun ^^

aah pls i don't want to think abt it,, the thought of youngbin leaving,,,,, no😭😭😭 and yeah at least the sooner the go, the sooner they come back but..i'll miss them nonetheless :')

exactly!! i think thats what i like about math like so many things are connected, and it branches out into other disciplines like art and science it can be really cool to see the endless possibilities & connections 🤩

the project is about truecasing, which is basically (to my understanding) getting the program to return the proper casing (uppercase, lowercase, etc.) of a given word based on context and probabilities. it's helpful to use on text that might have misspellings or things that are typed all uppercase or lowercase (like texts/messaging). it seems pretty interesting! tho i did almost fall asleep when I was doing the reading last night, but i'll blame that on the fact that i was tired out from skating 😂😅 and yeah there's a lot of programming and i told myself I should do a lot of practice over the summer at the end if the semester and yet..ive barely done anything. which is why I was excited when my professor mentioned this project bc I really need to get back into things. thank you for cheering me on!! im rooting for you as well 😚❤❤

there's soooo much out there i really wish there was more time to study all the things we want freely (and without the pressure of doing it for a grade) and ugh yeah tuition costs...imagine how many more people would have degrees and just more knowledgeable about anything if higher education didn't cost so much. i feel like it really comes down to money 😭😭 like people don't get the highest education they want bc it costs so much, even if you want to study on the side you might not have time bc you have to work and earn money like.. we are not living in a society that properly promotes self-enrichment im so sad</33

ooh the hair trick sounds nice! i guess I've kinda done that before? and it was extra refreshing bc I washed my hair with mint shampoo so it felt really cool 😆 we don't have any ice packs but I bet those would be helpful maybe we should get some lol

yeah ive heard that most earthquakes aren't that dangerous but little kid me didn't understand that there could be non-threatening earthquakes 😂 oh the fires can get so bad it's scary 😥 i hope you stay safe out there <3

the mv does look really cool omg the shots are so beautiful! thatd be so nice if it'd give you some inspiration to get out of your artist block! honestly same here I havent drawn in so long I really want to get back into it. I can't wait to see what you create! 🥰

have a lovely day my lovely fantasy friend ! ♡

[ladywolfmd]

Ships that Pass in the Night

Part I & II | Part III & IV | Part V & VI | Part VII & VIII | Part IX & X

V. The Party

Jon checked his watch and knew he was very late to the Manderlys’ annual ball. There was nothing he could do about it. His crew dragged him into a late lunch at the Lazy Eel and it took some time to get back to the Wolf’s Den and then he had to go up the hill to Merman’s Court.

Once he got there, everyone was already gathered over the open theatre in the middle of the vast courtyard.

He could recognize the music playing from one of the musicals his mother loved. It was Queen Naerys’ solo from the play, Knight of Tears.

Jon briefly remembered that this was the part where Ser Aemon disguised as the Knight of Tears, had just crowned his sister, Naerys, queen of love and beauty for he couldn’t bear her to be humiliated since their brother, King Aegon planned to crown one of his mistresses, and where, Queen Naerys dances her joy after being miserable in her loveless marriage to the king.

He found himself a spot to watch and immediately his breath got caught at the graceful dancer.

He didn’t recognize her, not with her silver hair bound and crowned with different blooms. Not with her face half concealed with a black silk mask. Yet for some reason, he felt he knew her.

And as she glided across the stage almost effortlessly, his mind started sending him images of red hair, a green dress with wolves, and the sound of teasing.

“You really don’t know how to dance, don’t you, Jon Snow? Very well, I’ll teach you.”

Continue reading on AO3 or here.

The sound of applause brought him back from his thoughts, his hands joined instinctively as he blinked through the haze and saw the dancer take her bow.

Before he could make sense of anything, blue eyes met his own grays, and he found himself stuck in between the dreaming and the present once more.

Blue eyes.

Alive. And warm. Filled with love.

In a blink, the same bright eyes dimmed.

Cold.

Empty.

Dead.

A hand on his shoulder brought him back once more and he was staring at his friend, Daryn Hornwood, his half-brother Larence, and his wife Alys trailing behind. All their mouths were moving but Jon had yet to understand.

Another squeeze on his shoulders made him finally focus. “You alright?”

Jon mustered a half-smile and a nod. “I’m fine,” he croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m good. Sorry I’m late.”

“Well, what’s important is you’re here,” Daryn grinned then followed his line of sight. “What’s wrong? Are you looking for someone?”

“Or are you avoiding anyone,” Alys raised a brow.

Jon didn’t even realize he was seeking out the dancer.

“I think he’s looking for Wylla’s guest,” Larence smirked at him, earning chuckles from the other two.

“I wasn’t,” Jon said defensively. It was partly true. He wasn’t actively looking for her but a nagging feeling in the back of his head wants him to.

“Were you able to watch the dance?” Daryn waggled his brows earning a smack from Alys.

“Not from the beginning,” he admitted.

“Anyway, do you have a guest with you?” Daryn cocked his head to the side.

Jon shook his head.

“Ah. Perfect. You should meet the dancer then. I think she came with your plane.”

Jon almost choked. “Excuse me?”

Alys rolled her eyes after she glared at Daryn. “Stop being crude. This mystery guest of Wylla supposedly took the flight you flew.”

His heart started racing inexplicably. “Oh? Lots of people took that flight.”

“The man has a point, bro,” Larence shrugged. “Anyway, no one knows who she is yet and that’s just Daryn’s way of fishing for information.”

Jon shook his head. “Sorry, I don’t really know if there was a person of interest on the plane with me.”

“Ah, you’re no fun,” Daryn sighed. “Well, I guess we’ll find out later on.”

“Why all the mystery though?” Alys asked.

Daryn shrugged. “Beats me. Ask Wylla.”

“Ask Wylla what?”

They all turned to see Wylla behind them, flipping her long green-dyed hair and smirking.

Daryn slung an arm around Jon’s shoulder that he immediately pushed away. “Jon here was just curious about this friend of yours.”

Wylla’s eyes glinted while her smirk deepened. “Are you now? Because my friend is very single.”

Jon slid a hand down his face and groaned.  First his crew and now his old hiking team.

“Just who is your lovely friend, Wylla?” Larence asked.

Wylla grinned. “You guys  might recognize her for sure but hold on, I’ll go get her. She’s just changing out of her costume.”

They watched as Wylla headed off backstage but just as they saw her come out, Jon was suddenly dragged away by Tormund and Val who magically appeared.

He could hear Wylla asking where he was. “Guys, I can’t find her—where’s Jon?”

VI. The Empty Ballroom

Sansa stumbled into the lesser ballroom that she knew the Manderlys hasn’t used in ages. She felt guilty for wanting to hide out a bit but as timing showed, right after her performance, the reviews from her last show had just gone up and everyone was starting to recognize her as more than just Warden Ned Stark’s daughter.

They people didn’t know she chose to dance professionally. All they knew was that she was still in King’s Landing on a pre-law program, which she was, a few years ago. But she just didn’t have the heart for politics anymore.

It’s not even that she wasn’t good. She was actually skilled with it but it wasn’t something she wanted to do.

What Sansa had always wanted to do was to dance.

Since she was three, her mother would bring her to her ballet lessons but always maintained that it was a hobby. It took a lot of tears, fights, and convincing, but finally she put her foot down and pursued her dream.

And now she was finally getting somewhere.

Sansa drew one of the large curtains open to let in some of the moonlight. Very faintly, she glanced over one of the mirrors and saw that she was still wearing the silver wig she had to use as Queen Naerys. Slowly she took the pins off and removed it, the hairnet came next, and the relief of her now freed hair tumbling down her back made her sigh. Next she removed the black ballet slippers she wore that matched the black and red leotards she wore.

She dressed right then and there into the simple grey velvet dress and was about to slip on her heels when she heard the music change from the other side of the room.

It was The Winter Maid, her favorite.

And feeling rather wicked, she dropped her shoes, shook her hair, and padded over to the middle of the ballroom and started dancing.

Sansa closed her eyes and let the music take her, not caring for anything but her and the song. She hummed along as she glided across the floor, her mind slowly bringing her back to that place.

Behind her lids she could see people dressed in strange thick winter garb, with flagons, skins, and cups, raised to her as she danced.

Faces familiar but not quite surrounded her and she knew she was back in her dream world. A place that would always show her what looked liked memories that seemed impossible.

A place that always showed her him.

A dark-haired man with grey eyes that looked at her like she was the world.

Yet as soon as both of them would reach out and touch, she’d be assaulted with images of death and longing.

Every night she’d see him.

And every night they’d try to be together only to be ripped apart in the morning.

Sansa was mid-twirl when the sound of something crashing on the floor startled her that she fell ungracefully.

“Shit! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you--don’t move, I’ll come get you. Fuck! Where’s the bloody switch?” Sansa’s heart was still racing as she tried to collect herself while she heard the intruder fumble his way to her.

Sansa managed to sit up, checked her ankle at once and sighed in relief to see it wasn’t injured. Only her bum hurt where she landed but she was sure she’d just get by with a bruise in the morning. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. Go back.” She tried to make out the stranger’s profile but it was too dark, especially with the moon now partially hidden by clouds and he was likely wearing a black suit and had dark hair.

She slowly stood up then and walked back to where she left her shoes and sat down on the floor while she put them on. All the while she could feel the man stand behind her before he dropped to sit on the floor too.

“I’m so sorry miss. I didn’t realize at once that I wasn’t alone and then I saw…movement..”

“It’s fine,” she felt her cheeks redden from embarrassment of being caught. “I shouldn’t have been dancing randomly.”

“No, no. You were amazing—I mean.”

Sansa suddenly chuckled but still wasn’t brave enough to turn around and face him. “That’s very kind of you to say even if I know you couldn’t really see me.”

“I could a little. Your silhouette at least, and some glimpses. But what little I was able to see was enough to make me pause,” he said softly.

Her cheeks flamed more. “Thank you, but that was just me. No fancy choreography or anything.”

“I thought you-it-was beautiful,” he rambled, making Sansa giggle before she bit her lip. “Thank you.” What else could she say?

Silence enveloped them in the dark corner they chose to stay in. “I know why I’m here…but how…how about you?” he chose to break the silence.

Sansa played with the hem of her skirt. “I just wanted some peace and quiet,” she glanced over her shoulder and saw the outline of his back facing her. “I assume you do too?”

She saw his shoulders shaking as he chuckled. “Guilty.”

“You must be a big shot then,” she teased, “to hide all this way.”

“Try pesky friends,” he grumbled.

Sansa laughed then. “We have that in common then.”

Once their laughter died both of them tried to start a conversation at the same time.

“No, you go first.”

“No, ladies first.”

“Okay. Who or what brought you to the Manderly Ball?”

“Just old friends,” he answered.

Sansa smiled. “Me too. Friends who have made it their life mission to set me up with someone.”

He laughed loudly then. “Well, we have that in common. They’ve been trying to set me up with someone all night.”

Sansa rolled her eyes. “I know they mean well but I’d rather it happen when it happens, you know?”

He sighed. “Exactly.”

“Well, it’s a good thing we found each other instead,” Sansa laughed but faltered when she noticed he wasn’t laughing with her. She was supposed to follow it up by joking that hiding is easier if you’re hiding with someone with the same goal but all her words died in her mouth when she turned to look and saw dark eyes looking back at her instead.

Slowly, both of them inched closer together, just to look.

Sansa could feel his fingers near hers, his warm breath tickling her skin as they leaned closer.

And as she could finally see the grey in his eyes, she was back in that place.

Only this time, it wasn’t a dark and dusty ballroom, but a warm room with fire burning by the hearth, grey eyes now belonging to the man in her dreams, his scarred hand reaching to touch her face as he leaned closer, her eyes fluttered close in wait.

But what she expected never came as both of them pulled away fast at the erupting sound of fireworks, illuminating the partially covered glass skylight they didn’t realize was there before.

Before anyone could say anything, pieces of the fireworks started falling over the roof, the room illuminating and showing that the skylight had some cracks and there were broken holes, that they had to run and take cover.

Sansa was too filled with adrenaline and confusion to see if he was following her as she made her way out of the ballroom and back to the court.

But when she looked back, there was no one following her.

Was it even real?

[strawberryspeachy]

Man. I really am a cat person I guess

My last cat died almost a year ago... but i didnt even get to be with her. She was young and i left her with my best friend when I moved to Japan. She had seizures...

I really miss her

I miss all my babies

But im feeling serious pet withdrawl. I have NEVER been without pets for this long in my LIFE. I grew up on a farm. I only went to college for like 3 months or less at a time and got to go home and see my babies

I want a kitten SO BAD - ive always thought that when I get my own clean place that I wont get animals because I always wanted to be able to keep a place clean and not having cat hair alllllll overrrrr alllllll my clothes was nice in college

But I NEED A CAT. I NEEDDDDDD TO FEEL THE PURRING. I NEED KITTY KISSES AND CUDDLES AND THEIR LITTLE mew mews

I feel starved for real

So many of my cats have passed and I know any future cats will before me as well

But i still want them

Dogs though

I fucking ADORED my dog

I begged my mom for my own puppy for YEARS before Kiki was sent to me from the universe basically. Her moms owners husband threatened to kill her and her siblings if they werent gotten rid of. So my family took them at about a month old - just old enough that they could survive without their mother

There were 6-7 of them. And they were all normal puppies except for my Kiki! She was always staring at them like they were annoying and preferred to sit in the back of their pen away from their jumping. When they came out to eat and play, shed find a quiet spot to eat and then go hide under the couch (it was funny cause they all moved too much and my mom and i couldnt count them when we put them away because they kept moving. So wed just assume we got them all - then a couple hours later Kiki would emerge from under the couch yawning and wed be like oh! There was another puppy!)

I remember debating between a couple of the puppies when my mom hinted that I could keep one. But ultimately I chose my Kiki. I didnt even have a particular reason why - I was about 7 and I remember imagining how if I chose one of her siblings I’d finally have one of those movie dogs. I did of course like that she was the runt - but there was something else about her

As I grew up and became more isolated and miserable myself (not to say Kiki was miserable by any standard. But she was a very picky dog with an animated face) we just matched

Kiki honestly got happier after all her siblings were adopted out. We played all the time when she was a puppy. And as I got older, I didnt want to go roll around in the snow or go for long as hikes. And while that would upset most dogs - honestly Kiki seemed content to be let be. Like she seemed to have age the same as me and we were both like - dude. Im glad you dont wanna play all day long - i need my me time. (And by me time i mean we were both happy to just exist in the same room together)

Wed both get random spurts of energy and play for an hour or so instigated by the other

There was this mac and cheese I ate and never finished and I would give the leftovers to her - there came a time that when she smelled it she KNEW and the second i looked like I was done her head would shoot up - she was ready

Sometimes my mom would eat half and Kiki would look at her like - the fuck?!

And my mom would tell her sorry i know this is yours

She was the best fucking dog. My best friend. We understood each other. We loved each other.

It still makes me cry having to remember her finaly days. She got cancer. I had to put her down. She was almost 13 - which is young :(

And I still cant bear the idea of getting anther dog.

My cat was 18 when she passed. She lived in my room for reasons. And I had the same relationship with Star. I miss her so dearly and no cat could replicate or minimize those feelings

But i still want cats

But.... not a dog.... and I think it’s because. And I always knew it

Kiki was so different from other dogs. We matched personalities - but because Kikis personality was closer to that of a cats than a dogs.

I never look for an animal that reminds me of one from the past. It sounds too cruel first off. And meeting new personalities is wonderful. Im still kinda sad that I couldnt adopt a cat from a store who wanted to play fetch in her cage and who i fell in love with right there and then. I hope she found a good home 😭

But most dog personalites dont mesh with me. I like them. I wanna play with and visit them. But i dont wanna own them.

My best friend who basically lives in a zoo felt the same way about her first dog. I kinda think maybe its because we just connected with our dogs as children and while they were puppies. Connected intially because we were similar and then as we grew together - our dogs - understanding that we too were children - took care of us. Like a reciprical parent child relationship and so we grew up with dogs who took on our ways of interacting. They understood that regardless of what was going on - we had unconditional love for them which stopped that dog urge of - constantly trying to prove to you that theyre worthy of your love. And they know you - for example. Kiki still did bad things sometimes - but she’d avoid things that she knew really bothered me. Maybe shed decide to chew something up, eat something she shouldnt, or poop where she shouldnt —— well in her case - shed purposely target things that didnt belong to me. Or poop in a spot where i didnt usually walk

My family would get mad at me about it - why whenever your dog misbehaves, its never YOUR STUFF ?! Cause she knows its my stuff

Yeah. Just. I miss my pets. My dog was perfect. And i want a cuddily kitty purring next to me right now

[vampiresofabbeyroad]

im back

at least for now.

i figured that writing down some daily reflections would do me some good.

off day was spent doing wholesome activities like watering my plants, texting my friends, watching some interesting documentaries, baking brownies, reading and the likes. it wasn’t until the evening that i really got in touch with my emotions a bit - when my mom asked me to design some funeral shirts for my uncle who just passed away and someone texted me something that made me feel a bit “less than.” don’t get me wrong, that wasn’t the intention. my automatic emotional response was to just have an internal pity party. but i think i’ll be ok. i just need to wallow for a bit.

i have a lot of writing to do for work tomorrow. im not complaining. im very grateful to be doing what i love for a living - writing and social media - but i also need to remind myself that im more than my work. my idea of self should not and never be associated with something or someone. my passions exist outside of my value or worth as a person. i am independent of all those things - whether im liked or not, etc.

though sometimes im afraid that my very strong sense of self is hindering my ability to build any romantic relationships that require vulnerability. i know ive always been strong. it’s almost become my identity. but i long for moments of weakness, of admitting when i need help. this has been brought up to me by classmates and my teammates - i dont have to steer the boat alone. there are people willing to help. i’ve been thinking about going back to therapy. just to see how it feels like to be back. i just need objective advice right now. but im a bit iffy about doing it online.... even though it’s free. i also dont know if im willing to fork out cash for that.

all in all, i think im okay. i really am. it took me 2/3 of the lockdown to finally be at peace with staying at home. i cant imagine going back to my old routine, though i undoubtedly miss it. i had very different coping mechanisms. im sober for 2 weeks now - have replaced my usual alcoholic nightcap with chamomile tea and i feel great. i havent been doing that much yoga in a while, just really into hike more these days and thats okay.

im really glad to have very supportive friends by my side. i dont know how i wouldve survived this entire pandemic without them. i guess its safe to say that these friendships are the greatest romance of my life. this might change. but it’s what im feeling rn.

[brokehorrorfan]

Best New Horror Movies on Netflix: Summer 2017

I know there's an overwhelming amount of horror movies to sift through on Netflix, so I've decided to take out some of the legwork by compiling a list of the season's best new genre titles on Netflix's instant streaming service.

Please feel free to leave a comment with any I may have missed and share your thoughts on any of the films you watch. You can also peruse past installments of Best New Horror Moves on Netflix for more suggestions.

1. Clown

Before Spider-Man: Homecoming swings into theaters, watch director Jon Watts' feature debut. Beginning as a faux-trailer that went viral, Clown was essentially willed into existence with the aid of genre favorite Eli Roth (Hostel, Cabin Fever) as a producer. Andy Powers (Oz) stars as a dad who comes across an old clown costume to wear to his son's birthday party, only to find that he physically cannot remove it. He then develops an insatiable hunger for children, soon learning that he must sacrifice five kids in order to remove the suit. Laura Allen (The 4400) plays his wife, while Peter Stormare (Fargo) provides the ancient, demonic history of clowns. Not your typical killer clown movie, Clown combines classic monster movie motifs, body horror elements, supernatural undertones, and gallows humor into one coulrophobic package. Read my full review of the film here.

2. Beyond the Gates

Beyond the Gates was clearly made by horror fans for fellow fans. The 80-minute romp can best be described as Jumanji meets The Beyond. Estranged brothers Gordon (Graham Skipper, Almost Human) and John (Chase Williamson, John Dies at the End), along with Gordon’s girlfriend, Margot (Brea Grant, Halloween II), find and play an old VCR game. They must obey the tape’s host (Barbara Crampton, Re-Animator) in order to solve the mystery of their father's disappearance. It's slightly hindered by a limited budget - the set-up is slow and the ending is a tad anticlimactic - but it's so spirited along the way that the faults barely register. First-time director Jackson Stewart taps into the VHS nostalgia to create a film that would feel perfectly at home on a mom-and-pop video store shelf in the late '80s. Read my full review of the film here.

3. The Eyes of My Mother

The Eyes of My Mother is too pensive for horror fans look for typical blood and scares, but those who appreciate arthouse fare are likely to get wrapped up in its unsettling tone. Writer/director Nicolas Pesce makes an impact with his debut, utilizing stark black-and-white photography to explore a character study illustrating the repercussions of murder. The story is told in three chapters, which each one showing a significant familial moment in a woman's life that shapes her into the disturbed individual she ultimately becomes. It’s a slow burn, even at a mere 76 minutess, but every moment is spent ruminating in its dark tone.

4. Backcountry

Backcountry is based on a true story of a black bear attack. The predator doesn't show up until two thirds of the way through the film; the rest of the time is spent developing the relationship between Alex (Jeff Roop) and Jenn (Missy Peregrym, Reaper), who embark on what's supposed to be a romantic and relaxing weekend hike through the woods. Tensions first rise upon the introduction of an Irish backpacker (Eric Balfour, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), then again when the couple gets lost in the dizzying forest. It finally takes the form of a suspenseful survival thriller when the ferocious bear begins attacking their campsite. The investment in character development is worthwhile, as it causes the viewer to care about them, thereby making the final act even more harrowing. Real bears were used during production, adding to the ripe intensity.

5. Dig Two Graves

The first act of Dig Two Graves could be mistaken for a coming-of-age drama - not only thematically but also stylistically - as a young girl (Samantha Isler, Captain Fantastic) from a podunk town attempts to reconcile with her brother's death. Things really heat up when a trio of creepy men tell her they can bring him back to life... but someone else has to take his place. The story is structured in an interesting way, sprinkling in flashbacks that contextualize the actions taking place in the present. Isler delivers a brilliant performance, as does Ted Levine (The Silence of the Lambs), who plays her grandfather, the town's sheriff.

6. XX

XX is a horror anthology made up of four segments written and directed by females, each one strong and unique. “The Box” by Jovanka Vuckovic adapts a Jack Ketchum short story about a boy who's forever changed upon seeing the contents of a mysterious box. “The Birthday Party” by Annie Clark (better known as musician St. Vincent) is a darkly comic tale about a woman who finds her husband dead on the day of her daughter's birthday party. “Don’t Fall” by Roxanne Benjamin (Southbound) turns a serene hike into a blood-thirsty creature feature. “Her Only Living Son” by Karyn Kusama (The Invitation) finds a mother learning a deep, dark secret about her son. There's not much of a through line outside of them all being female-led (3/4 of which are maternal roles), though neat stop-motion animation wraps around the tales. Several familiar faces populate the cast, including Melanie Lynskey (Heavenly Creatures), Natalie Brown (The Strain), and Mike Doyle (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit). It's no secret that we need more female voices in film, and XX is a potent declaration that's impossible to ignore.

7. Stake Land II: The Stakelander

Despite a terrible title that could be mistaken for a joke, Stake Land II: The Stakelander is a sequel to Stake Land, Jim Mickle's impressive 2010 vampire film (which you should watch first; it's also on Netflix). Mickle resigns to executive producer, but his co-writer, Nick Damici, returns to pen the script. Damici also reprises his role as Mister, reuniting with Connor Paolo as Martin. The vampire slaying duo embark on a journey across a Mad Max 2-style post-apocalyptic wasteland infested with ferocious vampires, which resemble zombies more than your traditional bloodsuckers. As is often the case, it's the other humans that prove to be the real threat. Like its predecessor, the film finds a rare balance between drama and intensity. It's not as effective as the original, but fans won't be disappointed by the follow-up.

8. Tag

Tag (also known as Riaru onigokko) is not for everyone, but it's too gleefully weird not to warrant a recommendation. Written and directed by Sion Sono (Suicide Club), the Japanese film opens with a bus full of school girls getting sliced in half in one fell swoop. It only gets stranger from there as the infinite possibilities of multiple universes are explored. One girl survives each time, continually awakening in different realities after watching all her friends get killed in gory fashions - including a teacher mowing down her class with a mini-gun. I thought it might be adapted from a manga, as it has that bizarre, fantastical feel to it, but it's instead based on a novel. It's dreamlike and absurd but not without heart.

9. The Windmill

The Windmill (formerly known as The Windmill Massacre) is a slasher film from the Netherlands, although it's (mostly) in English. It follows a guided bus tour of Holland that breaks down near a mysterious windmill. One by one, the passengers are picked off by a cool-looking killer armed with a scythe. With glossy production value and a dark tone, it feels more like a throwback to late '90s slashers rather than the golden age of the '80s - but there's still some solid gore and practical effects. It doesn't reinvent the wheel, but the film offers a slightly more involved plot than the average slasher, including flawed characters and supernatural elements. It's also gleefully mean-spirited to the very end.

10. Man Vs.

As you may have guessed from the name, Man Vs. uses a survival reality show as the framing device for a creature feature. Doug (Chris Diamantopoulos, Silicon Valley) is the survival expert/host, filming himself in the Canadian wilderness - only to learn that he's not alone. It would have been cheaper to make a found footage film, but it's more effect as a traditional movie - though there are some shots from Doug's gear. The set-up is a bit slow, however you may learn some survival tips along the way. The story essentially becomes Survivorman vs. Predator in the final act. Unfortunately, the CGI creature is Syfy-level bad, preventing the big reveal from having much impact, but Diamantopoulos delivers a solid performance nonetheless.

11. Abattoir

Abattoir is directed by Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw II-IV, Repo! The Genetic Opera), based on the same named graphic novel he created. It follows a real estate journalist (Jessica Lowndes, 90210) and a detective (Joe Anderson, The Crazies) as they investigate a series of houses in which tragedies occurred having the offending rooms torn out. They end up in a Twin Peaks-esque town where a local (Lin Shaye, Insidious) tells them of Jebediah Crone (Dayton Callie, Sons of Anarchy), an enigmatic reverend attempting to build a gateway to pure evil. Although set in the present, the picture is an unabashed love letter to film noirs of the 1940s and ‘50s. While the execution of the fascinating concept is lacking, Bousman manages to create a wonderfully imaginative neo-noir universe rife with spooky atmosphere. Read my full review here.

Bonus: The Keepers

If you were among the throngs of viewers morbidly captivated by Making a Murderer, The Keepers will be your new true crime fix. The Netflix original documentary series is every bit as compelling and frustrating as Making a Murderer, but the heinous crimes are even more stomach churning. The story revolves around an unsolved murder case of 26-year-old nun in 1969 and her then-students who have teamed up decades later to try to get to the truth. There appears to be a cover up that involves sexual abuse at the hands of a priest. The show consists of seven hour-long episodes. It probably could have been shaved down to five, but it's structured in such a way that make you want to keep binge watching.

Bonus: Riverdale: Season 1

Riverdale is like Twin Peaks meets Pretty Little Liars by way of Archie Comics. It reinvents the classic Archie characters for a modern audience with an interesting murder/mystery plot. I'm admittedly beyond the key demographic for the trashy teen drama that ensues, but the first season is fun enough, albeit inconsistent, to hook me. Several of the younger actors deliver great performances, given the heavy-handed material, but it's even more fun to see the parents played by '90s stars like Luke Perry (Beverly Hills, 90210), Mädchen Amick (Twin Peaks), Robin Givens (Head of the Class), and Skeet Ulrich (Scream). If you enjoy MTV's Scream, you'll likely get a kick out of this one as well.

[konnl]

Scrappers Part V

The concluding chapter in the Scrappers story. Follow Angie and Ruggy as they make their grand escape from the stalking Harvesters. The two have a hell of a lot of questions for their operator when they get back to base, presuming they make it out of The Lost alive.

Scrappers Part V continues the sci-fi horror universe that is being developed through short stories. Enjoy the story in written word, audio, artwork and soundscape.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Scrappers Part V

Time Passing

Time became an abstract concept. I wasn’t sure if I stayed in the abandoned wreckage for hours or days.  I preferred it that way. It would be easy enough to turn on the time stamp in the chat thread Ruggy and I had open. I didn’t want to. Watching those numbers go by every minute was discouraging. We knew that the Harvesters would give up on the hunt, eventually. The challenge was knowing when.

The two of us could stay in the dark for days if we wanted. Or we could attempt to return to The Lost, risking our lives, for the Harvesters could be waiting right outside. I was comfortable waiting longer. What was the rush? No one would miss two scrappers back at base.

The harsh reality was that Ruggy and I weren’t anyone special and would never be. Scrappers were disposable, which is hard to believe, considering the diminishing human population. The higherups don’t care. We server a purpose in this new world. We gather the remnants of the old for those deemed better than us.

As the hours – or days – passed, I kept thinking back to the operator that brought us here, operator 43-S3. I’ve never met him. Ruggy says he met the man. A typical computer geek. Fast-talking and poor posture. We need folks like them, though. I just don’t get why they would send us out to a death trap. Operator 43-S3 knew that he was sending us to a Harvester’s crash sight. Maybe he was taking orders from the higher-ups. Maybe he thought we were disposable and only wanted the goods from the crash site to be rewarded. Who knew? We’d get answers when we got back to base. Eventually.

THINK IT IS SAFE TO GO NOW? I typed with swift eye movements, controlling my goggle’s interface.

NAH, Ruggy replied. WE’D BEST WAIT ANOTHER DAY JUST TO BE SURE.

A DAY? HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN IN HERE? I instantly regretted asking the question. Knowing that an answer would tell me exactly how long we’ve been sitting in the dark.

A COUPLE OF DAYS. Ruggy typed. I HAVE ENOUGH CAPSULES TO LAST A WEEK. YOU?

SAME. THE SURVIVAL KIT WAS FULL WHEN I GRABBED IT.

A couple of days. My mind could barely wrap around the fact that I had been sitting in the same spot for that long. The night vision the goggles provided made the dark more bearable. Plus, it was warmer down here than on the surface. I kept staring at the Harvester’s tentacle that I crushed days ago. I knew it was destroyed, but I couldn’t help and wonder if it would pop back up and attack me again. Or perhaps it is like a beacon signal for the Harvesters, and they would come for me. It was nonsense, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. If it were, the Harvesters would have come for me by now.

IF WE’RE GOING TO STAY HERE ANOTHER DAY, HOW ABOUT WE MEET UP? I typed.

WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS. THE FEWER MOVEMENTS THE BETTER.

IF THEY CAN SCAN THE LANDSCAPE, CAN’T THEY DETECT HEAT ANYWAYS? THIS IS POINTLESS.

WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TYPE OF TECH THE HARVESTERS HAVE, Ruggy typed. WE CAN ONLY MAKE EDUCATED GUESSES. THE WHOLE POINT IS TO SURVIVE THIS ORDEAL.

I WANT TO GIVE THAT OPERATOR A PIECE OF MY MIND. I replied.

TRUST ME, SO DO I, Ruggy typed. THAT RAT KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE SENT US TO THE HARVESTER’S CRASH SITE. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT WAS IN IT FOR HIM.

Ruggy and I exchanged some messages back and forth a few times, other than that, we didn’t have much to say to one another. We’ve scrapped long enough that we know each other well. No point in small talk. Most of my time was spent evaluating the digital map in my goggle’s interface to try and make a guess as to where I was. The maps were based on the old world. We didn’t have any satellites to map out The Lost, so I could only guess roughly where I was. Based on the map, it was some skyscraper, one point in time, collapsed during humanity’s split.

Exploration

I was careful not to overuse my goggle’s battery life. I couldn’t spend days just browsing around the maps and local documents. These things were high tech for humans but didn’t have otherworldly wonders like the Harvesters have. So, I eventually did get up from my location and wandered the halls. Ruggy didn’t need to know. If he wanted us to wait another day, I wanted to get a better sense of my environment. His reasoning about the scanning tech that the Harvesters have was stupid anyway.

The night vision goggles let me navigate through the crooked, uneven hallways. No light was visible, so I had to be underground still. Some of the halls had doorways that weren’t collapsed, and I could enter the rooms. I walked into a room, cautiously avoiding the walls and rocks. The last thing I needed was to make some noise and trigger a Harvester, or something as simple as a collapsing ceiling.

The room was mostly the same as the hallway. It did have some snapped planks of wood. Some garbage and I think something that was once clothing. Anything we find in The Lost is usually a wreck due to past fires, falling rocks, or deterioration, rendering them useless.

I left the room, there was nothing of value there. The hallways led further into the unknown, but I didn’t want to go too far from my location. I shared the coordinates with Ruggy earlier. In case I had to go back, I didn’t want to hike too far. All I wanted was to get a better sense of my surroundings. Everywhere here was as dead as the closet I rested in.

Meeting Point

The wait finally ended when Ruggy texted, OKAY, LET’S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. A wave of relief went over me. We’d finally be getting out of this dungeon.

WHERE SHOULD WE MEET? I asked.

YOU REMEMBER WHERE WE SPLIT? SEE IF WE CAN MEET UP THERE, Ruggy typed.

IF WE DON’T MEET THERE?

WE’LL FIND EACH OTHER ON THE SURFACE.

Ruggy’s order sealed the deal. We could return to The Lost. A second thought entered my mind – what if the Harvesters never left? They had probes. They could be waiting for us to tire out and leave our hideouts. We had no way of telling. Ruggy must have finally gotten sick of sitting around like me. Guess we’d face our fate.

I retraced the steps that led me to the dark hideout that I stayed in. Thank God. The mouldy, musty smell was beginning to irritate me. It wasn’t difficult to find my previous locations. The collapsed rubble that separated myself and the Harvester was exactly where I remembered it being. This time, there was no Harvester. I slid my gun under the slit and then moved under to the other side. I eyed the opposite side of the hallway in the opposing rooms, the rooms that Ruggy had taken. He wasn’t anywhere near.

RUGGY, IM BACK WHERE WE SPLIT, I typed.

I COULDN’T FIND HOW I GOT HERE, Ruggy replied. I THINK I’M GETTING CLOSE TO THE SURFACE THOUGH.

COORDS? I asked.

-22.951470, -43.212165

That was something useful. We’d meet up back on the surface. With the new plan in mind, I continued backwards from whence Ruggy, and I first entered the cavern. It was easy enough to retrace, not sure how Ruggy was having a difficult time. It didn’t matter. We’d get out of here, get back to the cruiser, and give a piece of our mind back at base.

The light grew brighter, the closer I got to the cavern entrance. The old world architecture began to be replaced with rocks and rubble – remnants of conflict. A part of me wanted to go deeper into the cavern to see what type of artifacts I could find down there, but it didn’t matter. Our history was partly archived in digital storage. Anything else took up space, and I didn’t need to haul that around.

I found the cavern entrance and hiked out into The Lost. Despite the clouded atmosphere, some light made it through to the planet’s surface. It was daytime. I shut off the night vision of my goggles and scanned the terrain. There were no signs of the Harvesters ground troops and no sign of their ship.

IT’S ALL CLEAR HERE RUGGY, I typed while walking towards the coordinates he provided.

GOOD, SEEMS CLEAR HERE TOO. Ruggy replied. I’M ALMOST AT RENDEZVOUS.

Cattle

A sense of relief went over me. We beat the Harvesters at their own game. Sure, we may have wrecked our cruiser in the process from that beast, but we survived. No one survives a Harvester.

WE HAVE SOME BRAGGING RIGHTS HERE WHEN WE GET BACK TO BASE, I typed.

The coordinates Ruggy supplied weren’t far, and I reached the location. It was an open patch of rubble. Nearby rocks and collapsed towers were a good several dozen paces away, this had to be some sort of park, based on the goggle’s old world map.

RUGGY? I typed, looking around the area. The wind blew past me, blowing some of the dust in my face. No one. There didn’t seem to be any cavern entrances nearby either.

RUGGY, DID YOU MESS UP THE COORDINATES? I’M OUT IN THE OPEN.

No reply. Something wasn’t right, and my instincts told me to get the hell out, yet Ruggy ordered me to come here.

RUGGY, I’M MOVING. I typed.

ANGIE STAY, Ruggie typed.

WHERE ARE YOU? I replied.

Still alarmed, I took my first step back as a humanoid morphed into view. The large being’s form rippled from transparency and into full view. The gunmetal armour shined in the daylight as high-pitched clicking began to project from the being.

“Shit! Ruggy!” I called out, pulling my rifle’s trigger. The gun clacked, firing at the Harvester as it began to walk towards me.

ANGIE, COME HERE, Ruggy typed.

Then, as I continued to fire at the approaching Harvester, I realized that I hadn’t been talking to Ruggy at all. Maybe at one point, I was. I don’t know. The Harvesters hacked out communication port. It was supposed to be a closed-off network, clearly not.

The bullets pinged off the Harvester’s suite as it marched. The sound clicked in a wave motion, moving at faster and slower tempos. I continued to back up in the open space. Glancing back, I saw I could make a run for it. I had to try. Guns were pointless. I sprinted from my battle stance, dashing as fast as I could.

Footsteps thudded behind me. The Harvester picked up its pace. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.

RUGGY, ANSWER ME. I typed. I wasn’t sure if he’d get the message. The Harvesters were one step ahead of us. I had to try, though. There was no other way of communicating with him.

ANGIE COME HERE, The Harvester typed.

“Ruggy!” I cried out as a large hand snagged my arm, spinning me around.

I pulled the trigger of my rifle, trying to do anything to save my skin. The bullets pinged off the armour. The Harvester swatted the weapon clean from my hand, knocking it to the ground. It snatched my neck as a spear erected from a small opening in the Harvester’s palm. The weapon expanded into its full form as it sparked to life – humming. An electro-spear.

The Harvester plunged the weapon into my gut, causing my whole body to tense up. The shock erupted through my chest and to every limb in my body. The pulsation hit my head and travelled through the goggles – frying them. The interface was gone. My head spun. I had lost all control of my being. I could see…no. My vision was blurry. I could hear… a little. I felt… nothing. Numbness.

My captor chucked me to the ground as two more Harvesters came into view. The high-frequency clicking multiplied as the beings stared at each other. I tried to fight the electrical current that numbed my body. I had to. No one else was going to get me out of this. I couldn’t.

I felt fear in my mind. My muscles didn’t respond to the stress of the situation. It provided an odd sense of calmness as my captor dumped my body into a large steel crate. Holes horizontally lined the container walls. Airholes to let me breathe. I could hear groans other than my own. The smell of sweat and dirt filled the space. Other humans were in the cage with me. We were cattle, harvested.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

It’s like half a year late but I just realized I saved this post as a draft and never actually posted it sO 

LOST LIGHT 25 READ

*Breaks down sobbing* L-LOST LIGHT 25 READ….THE LAST LIGHT…. 

My hands are shaking as I open up the file. How am I supposed to say goodbye and mean it. This comic’s changed my life, who am I going to be without it

I could spend the rest of my life looking at that cover :’) Rewind and Chromedome…Tailgate and CycLONUS….WITH WINGMAN WHIRL….SWERVE HOLDING RUNG’S GLASSES…DRIFT AND RATCHET (and ratchet holding the sparkflowers which represent everyone who died on the mission #called it), ANODE AND LUG….BRAINSTORM AND NAUTICA (probably watching some goofy video on Brainstorm’s cellphone??), MINIMUS AND RODIMUS…..SOBS….I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH…..

“The story so far: You’re joking, right?” LMAO

I saw the one page preview earlier this week and for the life of me I expected it to be Megatron. I expected them to be planning a fake funeral for Megatron buT THEN PROWL WAS THERE AND THAT THREW ME OFF.

I know Rewind doesn’t have to be glued to Chromedome’s side at all times but THE FACT THAT THEY”RE AT A FUNERAL AND HE”S NOT NEXT TO CHROMEDOME IS DRIVING MY ANXIETY UP THE WALL

WAIT WHAT

WHAT

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

RATCHET!??!?!? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CONJUX ENDURA???? JRO HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME THIS BLESSING THEN IMMEDIATELY GO “lol Ratchet’s dead” WTF MAN

IS THIS THE FUTURE???

JRO GIVETH AND JRO TAKETH AWAY

wait REWIND IS OLDER THAN RATCHET WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

JAMES ROBERTS IF YOU KILL REWIND (again) I MIGHT LITERALLY ACTUALLY DIE ON THE SPOT *PLEASE* DON”T DO THAT

A bunch of supersparks because of Rung’s message :’(((

OH MAN, THAT IS OUR PROWL, NOT SOME FUNCTIONALIST PROWL????

Prowl pls, I understand your point of view completely but…THE SPARKS…be cool dude

MEGATRON…OH BOY OF COURSE PROWL’S THERE FOR HIM

BUT HOW LONG IN THE FUTURE *ARE* WE?? WHY DIDNT PROWL COME SOONER?

I guess this is post-all the Unicron business??? Where’s Optimus, why isn’t he at his best friend’s funeral. (Though, even as I say that I am Very Much Aware that he probably died in the other comics, true to his style)

Prowl puts his finger on Rodimus’ mouth to shush him and I have mixed feelings about that because A) rude but B) it indicates a level of familiarity I’m surprised Prowl would do, even if it is just for the sake of shushing Rodimus

“No to everything you’ve said and everything you will say. And while I’m at it, no to anything you’ve said or will ever say ever” “Rodimus”

Awh Rodimus puts himself betwEEN MEGATRON AND PROWL….WHEEZES

Prowl’s got his hands on his hips and his door wing things hiked up oh my goshhh I HATE THAT I THOUGHT “You are Precious” THIS IS HOW FAR IVE FALLEN HUH

GuhhhhhhhhHHHH the sad look Megatron and Rodimus give each other…. :’((( There’s no way this trial will end with them letting him off, the fans would riot.

AW THE LOST LIGHT OR THE SPARKS HECKKKKK I KNEW THEYD HAVE TO GIVE UP THE SHIP

GOSH….RODIMUS…IM SO SAD TOO BUDDY

CRUSADERCONS SOBS!!!!!!

“It’s a joke” “I suppose you had to be there" SOBS EVEN HARDER

MEGATRON PLEASE, I JUST SNORTED SO FRICKIN HARD AT THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MEGATRON YOU BIG DORK

"Do you trust me, Prowl?” Aw oh Roddy…WHAT DO YOU MEAN LAP OF HONOR are you going to race Prowl, Rodimus buddy pls

WHIRL *IS* IN HANDCUFFS WHAT’S UP WITH THAT DID HE TURN HIMSELF IN FOR SOMETHING??? Is he in jail because of the scraplets???

“I’m conscious we haven’t seen each other in years” AW MAN SO THEY REALLY DID ALL SPLIT UP :’(((( I mean I guess that’s expected but hrGHH….HECK THAT MEANS RATCHET PROBABLY REALLY IS GONE OH NO…SALING IM SO SORRY

SWERVE HAD 113 BARS JRO PLEASE “I guess I’m not ready to be reminded of the good times” SWERVE I WILL CRY RIGHT NOW

Dratchet confirmed but AT WHAT COST

And it sounds like Nautica (maybe none of them) revealed that Rung was Primus???? Oh man

Also I’m 99% sure Optimus must be dead because there’s no reason why he wouldn’t be at his best friend’s funeral (unless he pops up later on in this comic)

I took all these notes earlier when looking at the preview and now that I’m here, with the full comic, about to read it, I can’t even get past the cover. I’m looking at all their smiling faces and I’m just realizing how much I’m going to miss them

NO

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NO NO!

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO DANGIT JRO

THIS IS LITERALLY ALL I ASKED OF YOU, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT AFTER ALL HE SUFFERED? AFTER ALL THEY SUFFERED???

I just pounded my fist on my desk so hard and shouted “NO” over and over again.

So he’s not dead? But is he suffering? Is he ok???

“He just asks Chromedome about something called Rung” WHAT

Is Brainstorm’s case a teleportation device now???

I’m so confused and sad and angry but I’m going to hold off judgement til I get to the end

I took a break to go give my Tio and Tia’s giant German Sheppard a rubdown but MAN I still feel horrible…I really hope there’s going to be more of a happy ending for Rewind and Chromedome than that, that feels so horrible…and they forgot Rung??

WAIT WHAT RATCHET’S BACK??? WHAT”S GOING ON

“There’ll always be an ending– and if you’re lucky, you get to see it coming.” :(

REWIND??? IS REWIND OK??? HE”S HERE??? IS HE SAFE???

I SWEAR TO EVERY DEITY JRO, PLEASE DON”T HURT HIM MY HEART CAN”T TAKE THIS KIND OF BACK AND FORTH THING

OH NO, DID THEY FORGET RUNG???

WHIRL’S WEARING AN “ASK ME ABOUT MY FEMINIST AGENDA” SHIRT

REWIND AND RATCHET ARE STILL HERE AND OK BUT THEY”VE FORGOTTEN RUNG??? WHAT”S GOING ON

Aw Cyclonus is singing for Tailgate and they have all of Ten’s toys next to the Lost Light toy replica….

I CAN”T REALLY GET INTO THIS IM TOO AFRAID OF REWIND NOT ACTUALLY BEING OK AND RUNG BEING FORGOTTEN

“And this is my wife, Anode” MY HEART JUST GREW THREE SIZES

FRICKIN, THEY"RE GONNA RAISE SOME KIDS, THE LESBIAN AGENDA!!!! I LOVE IT

IS ROLLER FLIRTING WITH NICKLE OH MY GOSH

“I forgot I tried to kill you” “Sorry I tried to kill you” Ah, good ‘ol post-war Cybertronians

“Making me look good. Highest calling” RODIMUS PLEASE

“I was wondering if I was remembering things before they happened” OH NO

Ok but WHY is Whirl in his holoform

AW THE SWEET TENDER MOMENT BETWEEN DRIFT AND RATCHET…KILL ME.

“Treat him well, doc. He’s a keeper” awh….what a good bro

The tender Ratchet expressions are so sweet but AT THE SAME TIME IM LIKE….IS RATCHET DEAD OR IS HE OK, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY: IS REWIND OK??????????

WHY CAN”T ANYONE REMEMBER RUNG, THIS IS REALLY REALLY SAD

LMAO Are these all scenarios that JRO wanted to write???? I can’t believe the Lost Light got impounded

“We should measure our lives in moments and the rush of joy, of grace, that exists within them. You flare, you flicker, you fade. And in the end, all your tomorrows become yesterdays. Afterlight.” This entire exchange has me on the floor weeping. Of COURSE Magnus has his poetry memorized

OH SHOOT MAGNUS DIDN”T KNOW

NOOO THE DOUBLE SAD MAGNUS AND MEGATRON FACE, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RECOVER FROM THAT

"I never thought I’d say this, but…it’s been fun” *STARTLED EXAGGERATED GASP*

Magnus thinks that wanting some professional relationships makes him sound like a hopeless romantic, oh my GOSH (same tho Magnus)

ME TOO SWERVE

WTF

I THOUGHT THEY WERE IN SPACE WHAT’S HAPPENING

Oh my gosh, the Deceptidorks run off in their own little cruiser with Grimlock, that’s so them

OH NO SWERVE DIDN”T GET MISFIRE’S NUMBER

OH MY–

WELL

I DIDN”T EXPECT THAT AT ALL

CYCLONUS OH MY GOSH, THAT MADE ME PUT A HAND OVER MY MOUTH AND TURN AWAY, HECK

THAT"S SO SWEET….coming from Cyclonus that’s such a huge thing, he’s so grateful that Rodimus gave him the chance, gave him the opportunity to go on this mission :’)

Of course Rodimus looks a little shocked when Cyclonus grabbed his face like that I"D BE A LITTLE BIT LIKE “UHHH” TOO

GOSH that’s so cute I can’t get over that

WAAAAAIT A MINUTE. WAIT I JUST REALIZED THIS IS ALL IN THE PAST. SO REWIND AND RATCHET REALLY ARE…

WELL. THERE”S STILL A FEW MORE PAGES FOR JRO TO NOT BREAK MY HEART AND RESOLVE THAT….I STILL HAVE A BIT OF FAITH….

AW Cyclonus picks up Tailgate and flies off with him THAT"S SO CUTE

Oh my gosh, that graffiti in the background that says “Megatron will save us” :“’(

NO….RODIMUS IS ALL ALONE OH NO……..THIS IS THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO NO!!!!!!!

"But sometimes you hardly know they’re here” OH MAN DID THEY TAKE AFTER RUNG

OH MY GOSH

IS THAT???? IS THAT!!!! IS DRIFT GIVING WHIRL RATCHET’S HANDS!??????

“RATTY”

BRAINSTORM’S REALLY GOT ANOTHER FRICKIN SPARK IN HIS BRIEFCASE IM LOSING MY MIND. Ohhhh Whirl helped make that for him! SO WAIT BRAINSTORM IS TECHNICALLY ALMOST DEAD TOO, JRO WTF COME ON

“Hearing that Megatron was able to open it when you couldn’t” WAIT WHAT, THAT”S NOT HOW ANY OF THAT WENT, WHAT UNIVERSE EXISTS WHERE RODDY COULDN”T OPEN IT!! THAT”S SO WRONG

THIS REALLY IS THE NIGHTMARE UNIVERSE, EVERYTHING BAD IS HAPPENING WHAT THE HELL

(Post-reading, I discussed with Saling and YEAH RODIMUS PROBABLY LIED TO HELP MEGATRON’S CASE)

WAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AFTER ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RODIMUS LOOKS SO SURPRISED AND DELIGHTED…….

“Rodimus. Whatever happens next, whatever my fate, I deserve worse.” :(((((((

HECK THAT MAGNUS / MEGATRON INTERACTION…..MAGNUS LOOKS LIKE A KICKED PUPPY THIS IS MAKING ME SO SAD

What’s wrong with Rodimus’ aura????

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT”S GOING ON

IM TOO FREAKED OUT ABOUT REWIND TO PROPERLY THINK / PREDICT LIKE I ALWAYS DO

AWH!!!!!!!!! IM GONNA FRICKIN CRY!!!!!!!!! THAT HUG!!! FINALLY A SWEET CYCLONUS AND WHIRL HUG WHERE CYCLONUS ISN"T THREATENING TO KILL HIM

EXCELLENT FRICKIN BROTP CONTENT RIGHT THERE

IM STILL WORRIED ABOUT REWIND AND RUNG (AND RATCHET) THOUGH, JIMMOTHY ROBERTS DONT YOU DARE END THIS WITHOUT RESOLVING THAT

LIKE SERIOUSLY THOUGH!!! I LOVE YOU JRO BUT THAT”D BE SUCH A HORRIBLE WAY TO END REWIND’S LIFE (even if he’s not technically dead)

What did Rodimus promise Ratchet he’d look after, I wonder….

RUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!! I KNEW SOME VERSION OF HIM WOULD COME BACK!!!!

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!

“Give that back to Drift and say Thank you. Say it’s a lovely gesture, but I’m not broken, and I don’t need fixing” :’)

I love Whirl so much

DON"T KNOW IF WHAT WORKED

Did they…did they force themselves to forget about Rung??? About the fact that he was Primus???

ALL THE LUNARIANS LOOK LIKE RUNG, SOBS!!!!!!!!!!

Rodimus looks so much older, this is making me so sad THIS WASN”T SUPPOSED TO BE A DEPRESSING ENDING

WHAT CAPTAIN THUNDERCLASH

OH MY GOSH RODIMUS

“Without Love There Is No Meaning” aaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THE RODIMUS STAR…THAT WAS MEGATRON’S RODIMUS STAR….DID THEY FORCE THEMSELVES TO FORGET ABOUT MEGATRON??? WHAT HAPPENED

WOW THEY REALLY MADE ANOTHER QUANTUM DUPLICATE HUH

But that means they doom at least one version of themselves to a sad ending…

SIMPATICO

PERCY YOU FRICKIN GEEK you and Brainstorm deserve each other

I’M…..SO TORN…….

THEY REALLY DID GET AN ENDING WHERE THEY’RE HAPPY AND CONTINUE ON FOREVER, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND THEY GOT THE WORST UNIVERSE

I DON”T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS ENDING………

Oh my gosh WAIT….the bad timeline doesn’t know anything about Rung because Rung is with the good Lost Light…which means that the “canon” timeline IS the good Lost Light….WELL….I GUESS THAT MAKES THINGS A LITTLE BETTER (MAYBE??? IN RETROSPECT I ACTUALLY THINK BOTH VERSIONS FORGOT RUNG...HECK...)

I guess even in the “bad” ending we got some good stuff (like the Whirl & Tailgate / Cyclonus thing) but oof….Rewind’s the only one who remembers Rung…that really hurts…I am glad he and Chromedome are both somewhat ok though :(

“Over To You”

The comic ending with a preview of the first MTMTE issue feels so poetic

I FEEL LIKE. I”M STILL PROCESSING EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED. This comic’s been such a huge part of my life, I don’t know how to properly react

I guess the biggest thing I can say is “I can’t believe it’s over”

Post reading note: I had mixed feelings about the ending, but JRO shared this article “How To Say Goodbye and Mean It: The Last Message of IDW's Lost Light” by Cenate Pruitt and it helped settle some stuff for me. I think it’s definitely worth a read once you’re done with LL25.