#guess ill just fucking suffer huh

[yakourinka]

spoilers about zwilingsturme in herbst

so arturia huh

the episode she had when she was young with the "voices" and "feelings" overwhelming her vaguely reminded me of my mother's tales of my uncle who had schizophrenia. never met the man, he died very young but that's another story. now obviously there's a clear fantastical element here: the cause of her suffering and some of her consequent behaviour is her arts that she was born with, which we can't exactly define as an illness. or can we?

throughout the story she struck me as that specific and very rare kind of mentally unwell that is more of a harm to society than to herself. she does manage to maintain a friendship with cora, something worth nothing, but she's clearly isolated, alienated. the way she interacts with the world ("my eyes, ears and heart") is entirely through her musical instrument, which is completely incomprehensible even to the most committed musicians and which is connected to her arts, the root cause of her social deviance

and out of all fucking people it's the witch king who asks her, but who are you? i guess it makes sense that terra's #1 tyrant/musician would be the only one to understand someone so strange and alien like arturia, whom he considers both dull and interesting.

dull because there's not much arturia. not a lot of substance inside arturia, you understand. arturia is just whomever she's playing at that moment, some sort of emotional vampire who attaches herself to the next delectable meal, craving to fill that void. the moment she couldn't express her grief at her mother's funeral, realized that all the people in attendance around her were "performing" grief - like a play, as she says at one point - was her breaking point.

and so she wishes to create a world - an impossible, incomprehensible world - where everyone's emotions are all laid bare, all emotions, at all times, from the most detestable to the most praiseworthy, to her empty self. so she can finally feel and understand people. she says it will be a utopia for others, but what she wants is actually just a heaven for herself.

in that way, i guess viviana and arturia mirror each other as people who are seeking their place in society.

(i did not proofread this post and just wrote anything that came to mind so i'm not taking any responsibility for it. didn't think i'd like her but i did!)

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Still With You | A Jeon Jungkook Series | Teaser

Every day, every moment If I knew this was going to happen I would have remembered more of them

-Still With You

Summary: With You Still is a story that follows the lives of Luna and her most cherished friends. Love, Lust. Life, Loss. Passion, Pain. Desire and Death. Those are the many things that befall them as they navigate life trying to find their purpose. Will she be able to find a way to reach that utopia she had once dreamed of? Or will she realize that things that might've felt like a dream come true can soon be twisted into her worst nightmare. Read as Luna, Jungkook, Grey and Jimin navigate this thing called life. Will they get through this with their friendships intact? Only time will tell... Pairing: Luna (reader) x Jungkook and Jimin, f2l love triangle Word Count: 600~ Warnings: Explicit language, yändere, mental illness, death, substance abuse, sex, domestic violence and sexual assault. Please keep this in mind as the story progresses. a/n: I transferred this story over from Wattpad but decided to change up some of the characters P.s. I have no set plan for this story so any suggestions or requests are more than appreciated

I never thought it could end up like this, that things could go to shit so easily.

Where did I go wrong?

Those are the thoughts that run through my head over and over again as I hold their cold lifeless body in my arms.

This doesn't happen, this couldn't happen! Not to us.

Everything was just falling into place and yet, it all went up in flames the moment I heard that blood curdling scream.

What did I do to deserve this? What did they do to deserve this? They were so young, had their whole life ahead of them, our life...

It was ripped away from us before it even began.

Endless sirens pierce my ears as they make their way to the scene but I can't help but feel that they're too late.

I can't lose them, not like this.

I could see our future fading away with every wave that washed over our bodies. Why are the young taken away in such horrific ways?

If things had been different, if I had been different, would it have changed anything? Or was it inevitable from the start...

Nothing in this world could possibly make me feel whole again, not after what he did. How could he do this? After everything we've been though he just goes off and hurts the one person I knew I could always rely on.

And for what? Because he was jealous?

I guess jealousy and revenge are more important to him than my happiness.

To think that I trusted him with my life because for once I let my guard down so I could actually feel something is laughable now after everything he's done

He proved to me that my worst nightmare could happen just because I wanted to feel loved.

Huh, well never fucking again will I ever love someone as much as I loved them.

I gave up my whole life just so I could be with him because I thought he was good for me. That he was going to take me away from all the pain and suffering I had dealt with my entire life.

When in actuality, his mind games were the ones that were twisting my reality into something that I didn't even recognize.

I never once felt like I needed someone to make me feel complete. And then he came around and I couldn't help but feel empty without him.

Everything about him made me want to get closer. But like Icarus I flew too close to the sun and in the end I got burned and in turn took everyone I knew and loved down with me.

Toxicity is the only word that can be used to describe what we had. I thought that he loved me the way that I loved him.

I was naÏve and had my vision tinted with pink colored glasses when it came to us. Even when everyone was telling me no, I couldn't help but say yes.

He was my one and only, my first true love as the fairytales call it.

Yet it all ended in the most excruciating heartbreak that I didn't even know existed.

Love can be cruel and rip you to shreds. I don't believe in love, and I never will. And I swear I will never allow anyone to get close enough to hurt me ever again.

prev / next Series Masterlist

Taglist: @jkslipppiercing @trina864 @kaitieskidmore97 @goddesofimortality @coolbluedude @00frenchfries00 @bangtans-momma @coralmusicblaze @pastelpinkjoon @joonwater @marvelbun @j3nni-rs @evidive @beomieboi @forevrglow @jesssssmaybankk @teugiie @chaconnelatte @whoa-jo @snehal @xumyboo @mindurbuzznezz @diorh0seokie

Join my Taglist!

Feel free to fill out the form or just comment on any of my fics to be added :)

[thewildsophia]

3Below//Krel Tarron x Depressed!Reader

A/N: Re-watching 3Below has reignited my love for Krel. There also aren't any Krel x depression out there so fuck it ima do it myself. For these headcanons, I imagine the reader to have Major Depressive Disorder as opposed to any other kind of depression bc that's what I have. Enjoy!

TW: S//H, S//I, Adult Language

Another warning will be placed before sections containing the above.

Words: 2485

"Read More Link” placed due to length.

Krel Tarron x S/O w/Major Depressive Disorder

At first, Krel would not understand. That is, he wouldn’t pick up on the fact that you have depression. 

His knowledge of human sociology and behaviors is very limited when he and his sister first land on Earth. However, even after he’s spent months here he still struggles to understand and pick up on social cues. 

So even though you exhibit very obvious signs of depression — i.e. lack of energy/appetite, excessive sleeping, and loss of enjoyment in activities — Krel doesn’t suspect anything inherently wrong with you. He thinks that your personality is just different from your other human counterparts. 

And to be fair, for as long as he’s known you, you’ve always acted this way (because you were depressed-). 

You would definitely have to tell him you’re depressed because otherwise, he would never figure it out. You ended up telling him during a period of lucidity where you didn’t feel too bad and were conscious of his lack of understanding of your behavior. 

As you tell him, Krel stares at you intently, committing everything you're telling him to memory. 

Now he really doesn’t understand. 

This whole time he thought you just have a different temperament from the other humans at your school, but in reality, you were suffering from a serious illness that he had no idea you had.

Tbh, Krel’s not ok for a few days after you tell him. For a brief moment, he’s angry that you didn’t tell him sooner, but he quickly understands why and his anger dissolves into sadness. He feels so terrible about not picking up on the fact that you’re constantly in pain and that he’s done nothing to help you. 

Krel spends the next few days after you told him researching all about depression and other similar mental illnesses. He’s honestly a little fascinated by how many illnesses there are lmao. It’s just that on Akaridia-5, there aren’t illnesses like that, so he’s happy to learn something new (even if it’s not under more favorable conditions). 

Krel has a lot of questions about your flavor of depression for when you’re mentally ready to answer such questions. 

Tbh, he’s a little insensitive with some of his questions, but that’s just because he doesn’t know any better. Correct him (politely) and he’ll make sure to be nicer with his questions. 

Not much changes dynamic-wise; Krel’s still your loving boyfriend, the same way that you’re still his loving significant other. 

He does make it a habit to compliment you every time he sees you. Whether it be a compliment about your looks, your school work, or even something as small as “I’m happy to see you today,” he really tries to boost your confidence in hopes that you feel better about yourself. 

He also tries to be around you more often, both to make sure you’re ok and to show you that he’s there for you. 

Krel becomes better at predicting when you’re about to enter a depressive episode. Having been around you for so long and now knowing what the warning signs are, he’s very good at guessing when you’re entering certain episodes (sometimes even before you know. Scary, huh?)

When you enter depressive episodes, Krel does everything he can to make sure he’s there for you, both physically and mentally. He will hold you close to him with all four of his arms while he listens carefully to what is troubling you. 

Krel still doesn’t quite understand the emotions involved in depression. Like many other people, he believed that it was just constant sadness, but the more he read and spoke with you about the matter, the more complex it all became. Sadness, despair, emptiness, fear, anger, jealousy, all emotions that he’s never really felt in full. Not to mention other even more nuanced emotions such as paranoia and shame that he’s actually never felt at all. 

Krel is also very good at helping you through mood swings. He’s come to understand that all humans fluctuate between many different emotions, sometimes in a short period of time. He knows when you want him close to you and knows when you want space. 

If you are someone who is very mature with how you explain how you’re feeling, -- like telling someone you’re mad at them, why you’re mad, and that you want space to cool off/talk with them about it -- Krel has an easier time responding to you. He’s much less likely to misinterpret your feelings and what you want. 

Krel actually learned how to vocalize his own emotions from you whenever he’s distressed or upset which definitely opened you two up for a much more healthy form of communication.

He just struggles with emotions in general, but he makes the effort to understand for you :)

TW: S//H, S//I

If Krel ever gets even a hint that you’re hurting yourself, his mental walls would fall and he’d collapse in on himself.

If there is someone who is threatening or hurting you, he, his sister, and Varvatos can easily get rid of them. If you are sick, he can help treat you until you are better. Even if you do something as small as scraping your knee, he can be there to put a bandage over it.

But yourself? He can’t protect you from yourself. He doesn’t know what to do and that scares him so much.

After what happened with his parents, he is very grateful for the lives of those he loves as he understands just how easily they can be taken away from him. He is afraid that one day you will be gone and all that will remain is him.

Krel would have found out about your self-harm either on his own or someone tipping him off about it. You just didn’t have it in you to tell him yourself. 

Krel then begins to really try and learn human medicine. He would spend hours reading medical articles, watching first-aid videos, and taking copious notes about everything he learns, even if it grosses him out a bit (organic organisms were never really something he was interested in before).

He tries to come up with other things you can do when you feel like hurting yourself; Drawing/coloring, writing, reading, playing games, anything that will distract you. He’s always sending you ideas especially when he’s not with you and knows how you’re feeling. 

And to both of your credits, your self-harm does lessen in both severity and quantity. But unfortunately, it doesn’t always help since old habits die hard.

Krel is there in an instant to help you when you relapse assuming you tell him you need help. Even if you decide not to tell him immediately and care for yourself that day/night, Krel almost always finds out sometime after and worries over you about it. 

His hours spent learning first aid pay off when goes to treat your wounds; Cuts, burns, bruises, bites, you’re convinced that Krel can treat any minor injury. And you’re grateful for that. 

Krel is thorough about disinfecting any open wounds with hydrogen peroxide or Neosporin over burns and is incredibly gentle when wrapping them in gauze. He likes to check on them every few days as well to make sure they’re healing correctly.

He holds you close to him afterward -- all four arms wrapped around you and face pressed into your neck/shoulder -- and begs you not to leave him. At first, you’re confused thinking he meant, like, break up with him. It isn’t until you give it more thought that you realize that he doesn’t want to leave him through death.

If you ever express feelings of guilt -- whether verbal or through body language -- Krel quickly dismisses them from your mind by telling you how he wants to help you and how much he loves you. That he wouldn’t bother doing all of this if he didn’t see anything of substance in you.

If you ever express a desire to die, -- whether through suicide or some freak accident -- Krel will look cool on the outside but on the inside, he will be panicking. As hard as he may try, Krel could never understand why you want to die. 

Even if you explain it to Krel -- Everyone and everything that troubles you and the awful guilt you constantly feel by just being alive -- he believes that there is always a reasonable and achievable solution to your problems. It’s not that he’s trying to downplay your problems or your emotions, he’s just naturally more of a rational thinker even under stress.

But even though he doesn’t understand the emotions themselves, he does understand that human emotions can elicit other undesirable responses and thoughts.

Krel will constantly tell you how much he loves you and that he doesn’t know what he’d do with himself if you were dead. 

He does what he can to push those thoughts from your head.

As written earlier, Krel likes to spend time with you in person. Not just because he loves you sm but also because it makes it easier to keep an eye on you and intervene when necessary.

Def says something along the lines of, “I’m happy you’re alive.” And the first time he said that you cried so hard he thought he insulted you lmao. You had to explain to him that you weren’t insulted but relieved and overjoyed. 

Krel is not the most emotionally intelligent person out there, but he tries to be and is willing to understand them for you.

When you had shown up at school with a busted lip, bloody and bruised knuckles, and a dull gash on your cheek, Krel freaked the fuck out. The moment he spotted you walking to your locker from his own locker he was all over you. 

“What happened?” Krel cried while gently taking your face into one of his hands while the other went to grab your hand.

“It’s nothing,” You mutter, pulling your face out of his grasp and taking a step back. Krel scoffed, looking almost offended while saying,

“Nothing? Nothing did that to you?”

“I just-” You start, raising your hands up in defense before dropping them at your sides, “I got in a fight with Steve. It was over something stupid. We’ve known each other for most of our lives; I just worry about him.” You cross your arms to hold onto yourself and look anywhere Krel isn’t. Krel moved his head so that it was in your line of vision, forcing you to meet his eyes. 

“I take it you don’t want to talk about it?” He asked. You nod ‘yes,’ and Krel frowns.

“I won’t push you then, but I really want to get you treated,” He says, taking a step closer to you. You stay where you are and allow him to hold your hands.

“Later, I’ll be fine for now,” You say while bringing up one of his hands to kiss the top of it, “You can have Aja or even Mother patch me up after school.”

Krel looks at your knuckle hesitantly before agreeing, trusting that you truly would be fine until after the school day.

The moment the last bell rang he made a beeline to find you and ran you to his house as quickly as possible. The two of you were the only ones home when you got there, so Krel wasted no time in having one of the blanks retrieve a first aid kit. Once given to him, Krel attempts to treat your injuries but fails pretty miserably. 

You end up showing him how to clean and wrap different kinds of cuts and bruises. It’s when you’re in the middle of cleaning your knuckles in the sink that Krel says something that makes your stomach drop.

“Mother, can you scan Y/N for any more injuries, please?”

“Wha-Mother! You don’t have to do that!” You shout panicked and covered your arms in a vain attempt to conceal your other injuries. 

“Numerous other injuries found upon Y/N in the upper arm, forearm, and thigh regions. Approximately 27 cuts to the epidermis and 3, 1st-degree burns found.”

“What!?” Krel turned around so fast to face you, you swear you saw his electric blue hair whip from the air, “Where?! I demand you show me!”

“No!” You cry back panicked, hands gripping the side of the sink behind you. Krel scowls and grows before shouting, 

“Mother, show me a hologram of where the injuries are on Y/N!” 

“My King-in-waiting, It would seem that I have breached a highly sensitive topic on behalf of Y/N. I believe it best that they discuss it with you themself.” Mother responds. Krel sighs, his upper right hand running through his hair.

“Y/N,” He starts, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m really worried.” He carefully walks over to you but leaves a foot of space between the two of you.

“Will you please show me where you’re hurt?” He asks quietly. Your eyes begin to burn with tears and your mouth opens to explain yourself before shutting quickly with a ‘clank’ of your teeth. Unable to speak, you place your hands into his lower ones, palms up, and nod your head. Gently, Krel’s other hands push your long sleeves higher up your arms, and he’s baffled at the numerous cuts he sees littering your arms. There were many different colors, thicknesses, lengths, and stages of healing -- some were a day old while others were weeks old. He ran his thumb over one of the older ones.

“Wha…” Krel stutters, eyes dancing over your arms, “What are these? What-Who did this?” His eyes flicker up to yours. 

Your jaw twitches -- wanting to speak but unable to -- and you pull one of your hands away from his to point to yourself. Krel’s eyebrows furrow.

“I-I don’t understand,” He whispers, his own eyes beginning to water, “I want to understand.” 

“I did this,” You mumble out, pulling your other hand away from his, “I am…ashamed.” Tears begin to fall and you scrub gently at your eyes to dry them.

“You-You did this?” Krel asks, confused and stunned, “You willingly hurt yourself? Why?”

You heave out a few breaths trying to figure out how to relay your emotions to him. While difficult to say, you manage to squeeze out three words.

“I hate-” You stammer, “I hate myself.” 

And Krel is immediately embracing you.

“I love you,” He says, cupping your face in his upper hands and staring into your eyes with his other two around your waist, “I love you so much. Please don’t ever say you hate yourself.”

Gently, he kisses your forehead, your cheek, and then your lips.

The two of you are left a sobbing mess of tender skin and emotion in the kitchen for Varvatos and Aja to find later when they arrive home.

[chipadequeso]

i found a 2022 spanish production of falsettos. um here's comments because i don't like it!

IT'S NOT FULLY SUNG-THROUGH?? why!!!

jason's too over-acting and whiny i don't like him.

trina's amazing!! her voice is godly . every trina i've seen is so well-casted... whizzer is in my heart too and marvin is pretty good

they broke mendel's character into ... two separate characters..... i dont understand why they chose that??? i dont really like it

took me very long to realize but THEY ARE NOT JEWISH!!!! WHAT!!!!!! I HATE THIS PRODUCTION SO MUCH BITING AND KILLING

1. mendel like the psychiatrist that appears from song one is a woman?

2. after im breaking down this guy appears (he's mentioned in everyone tells jason to see a psychiatrist) and he's trina's new boyfriend ... it's an interesting choice i guess?? i just really dont care about him during a tight-knit family reprise like who are you!!! your conflict with marvin makes no sense you dont know the guy you just tell him it's your family now without no previous stuff the obc gives you!!!!!!

marvin at the psychiatrist bad bad hate it. part one turned into a conversation . like literally practically word by word . part two is replaced (bc this mendel is not trina's gf ...) with a two sentence thing about gay sex ??? part three is ok . it's not a mini-opera if you only sing in 1/3 of the thing!!!!!!

"just because you failed as parents" ".....GET THEE TO A PSYCHIATRIST" became "BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD PARENTS!!!!" "you will go to the psychiatrist!!!"

also they dont say psychiatrist they say psychologist . those are two different jobs guys

in the this had better come to a stop coreography marvin is fucking going through it man he's suffering it so bad . it's expressive and all but i like the more subtle "im repressing it because im stubborn" things c borle and michael rupert got going on

AGAIN ... "smile trina ill help you mend!" BECOMES "trina, live and let live!" where's the psychiatrist having a relationship with his patient soo disappointed

no jason's therapy . THERE IS NO TRINA'S SONG / MARCH OF THE FALSETTOS. you just go fucking straight from i'm breaking down to tight-knit family (reprise) to trina's song reprise. huh

after the chess game it goes directly the games i play. i genuinely really like this whizzer

marvin hits trina is fine? no i am so dumb. also NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU NEW BOYFRIEND!!!!! STOP COMMENTING ON STUFF!!!!!! after the hit there's like ONE second and there's no tension and we're already starting with i never wanted to love you.

act 2 starts with "2 years later" and miracle of judaism. huh!!!!!!! and they dont tell us who the lesbians are!!!

there's some cheerleader girls in miracle of judaism cheering for jason he's distracted by them

the pace in the act 2 is all off!!!! there's missing songs just like in act 1 but here there's no high building up that breaks when whizzer falls sick . it's just uhhgh

no bar mitzvah . just a birthday. hate hate hate

the you gotta die something coreography is amazing ngl . there's a guy in black acting as the death and he dances with whizzer and throws him around leaves him on the floor when he tries to grab him just woahg . it's similar to the thrill of first love one too ..

marvin carries a crying whizzer to the hospital bed and what would i do? is him sitting down to him next to it .

no jason's bar mitzvah though bc no jewish people no bar mitzvah...

someone threw roses at marvin and whizzer and i agree

thats it i really really dislike this. good voices and all but the story is all over the place and it's by far the worst production i've seen bc of EVERYTHING they removed..

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Shin Dark [05]

ー The scene starts in the living room of the Sakamaki manor

Subaru: ...Che. Why do I have to deal with this shit...?

Reiji: ...Subaru. So this is where you’ve been. I’ve been looking for you. 

Subaru: ...What do you want?

Reiji: You have received several letters. Please write your responses to them.

...I believe I told you to do so this morning?

Subaru: ...Not my problem.

Reiji: Haah...Perhaps it is time you become a little more self-aware. 

Of the responsibilities that come with inheriting Father’s powers, that is.

Subaru: ...How many do I have to tell you that I don’t give a flyin’ fuck!?

*THUD*

Subaru: It’s a pain in the ass. Havin’ these powers forced upon me when I never asked for them...

Reiji: Regardless of how you feel about it personally, you cannot escape this fate as long as those powers remain within your possession. 

I hope you will make your resolve already.

Subaru: Che...

ー Subaru walks away

Reiji: Haah...He truly is a handful.

What to do with him...?

ー The scene shfits to the saloon at Banmaden

Carla: Coff...Gah...Coff, coff...Haah...!

ー His vision grows blurry

Carla: My vision...grows blurry. As if my body is breaking apart.

ー He can hear approaching footsteps

Carla: ...Who’s there?

Giesbach: ...

Carla: ...! Father...

Giesbach: ーー This is your retribution. 

Accept the penalty for killing your Father. Suffer in agony...and perish.

Carla: ...!

...Father. Do you intend to punish me...no matter what...?

Then I shall once more...with my very own hands...!

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall

*Rustle* 

Shin: Hm...Seems like tension is rising overall after all... (1)

Anything else to report? 

ー The Familiar shakes its head

Shin: I see. You can go then. 

...Well then, I better go inform Nii-san right away.

ー The scene shifts back to the saloon

Shin: ...Nii-san, remember how we talked about the other Clans’ movements the other daーー 

Carla: ...

Shin: Huh? He’s asleep...? I guess I came at the wrong time...

( That being said...His face is sheer white...Has he been feeling that sick? )

Carla: Uu...

Shin: Nii-san?

Carla: Guh...Ah...!

Shin: ...!

Carla: I still...have duties I need to fulfill...!!

Shin: N-Nii-san! Hang in there!

Nii-san, can you hear me? Wake up...!!

Carla: Uu...Ah...

Shin: ( Nii-san’s eyes...They’re not focusing. )

Carla: ...!

*Rustle rustle*

ー Carla starts strangling Shin

Shin: ...Ah...Gah...

Ni...i...sa...! I can’t...brea...

Carla: ...! Coff...Coff.

Shin: ( Blood...! )

*Rustle rustle*

Carla: Coff, coff... ーー Shin, it’s you.

Shin: ...Are you alright? Did you have a bad dream?

Carla: No need to worry. ーー I just need to step away for a bit.

Shin: ...Okay.

ー Carla leaves

Shin: ( ...Will he be alright, for real? )

I can’t believe he coughed up blood... 

( Has his illness gotten that bad? )

( Wait...Hm...? My hands feel kind of stickyーー )

*Rustle*

Shin: ...!

ー He dashes off to the bathroom

*Pshhhh*

Shin: ( It should be fine...There’s no way I’d get infected from just a few drops. )

( There should be no danger as long as I properly rinse everything off like this. )

*Psssh* 

Shin: Ow!

*Splash splash* 

Shin: ( There’s a cut over here...When did I get it? )

( Blood might have gotten inside...I better clean it thoroughly. )

If I got contracted with Endzeit...

( She might get it as well. )

...

Yui: ...Shin-kun? There’s something I’d like to talk abouーー

Shin: ...!! Stay away!

Yui: Eh...?

Selection

→ Don’t leave

Yui: Why...? You need to be more clear or I won’t understand.

Shin: Shut up!! Just leave already!

Yui: ( I don’t get why he needs to get so mad... )

→ Leave (❦)

Yui: ( I suppose I should step back for now... )

( But I wonder why? I can’t believe he’d lash out at me out of nowhere...That’s not how he has been acting as of late. )

Shin: What are you standing still for? I believe I told you to leave.

Yui: Ah...I’m sorry.

Yui: In that case...I’ll come talk to you again later, okay?

ー Yui leaves

*Thud*

Shin: ...

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall

Yui: ( Shin-kun...What has gotten into him...? )

Monologue

ーー ‘Stay away’.

As Shin-kun spoke those words,

he seemed somewhat panicky (焦っている). 

We were able to have a normal conversation not too long ago,

so what exactly has happened since then?

Feeling a tinge of worry (一抹の不安) in my heart,

I began to walk towards the living room.

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) We are given very little context right here but Shin uses the word 色抜き or ‘ironuki’ which literally means ‘to fade in color’. However, it can also be used to refer to the mood worsening, which I believe to be the case here. 

[weirdcat1213]

ok i guess this is it

the end of the road

i may do an actual post about it later but fellas, its been an honor suffer read with all of you :3 the meta, memes and reactions? priceless

thank you @revenantghost for bringing us together for the best group activity ever: suffering and crying in a corner :D

lets go one more time

vol 14 thoughts

chap 1:

-THIS ONLY HAS 8 CHAPTERS WTF

-longer than he has been alive? oh thats adorable

-"that is how...i lived my life" why do i feel so sad all of a sudden

-OH YIKES WHAT

-ok damn i get that now, legato is really fast damn

-again, when did vash's coat turn black

-oh shit chronica no

-pls leave vash alone legato

-for some reason vash feel really quiet right now. thinking back to other fights, those didnt feel as quiet as this one, i wonder why

-yeah,,,,sadly i dont think he can control his body either...

-oh ok i didnt notice that the 1st time but thats so interesting. spoilers for 98 but in that one vash's decision is quick, a decision he made against the ropes. he thought about ways to avoid it and then gave up at the last second. here however, he has been thinking about it the moment he started to fight legato i think. like only one man could survive that encounter. he knew from the start it was either the plan (cuz cmon he doesnt care about whether he lives or dies) or legato. at least in 98 the decision was in a quiet setting, imagine giving up your values (and with them a huge part of what you think is your heart) while you are fighting to the death

-HE DOESNT WANT TO DO THIS BRO LEAVE HIM ALONE

-GEESUS oh god no. is he even there or is it vash's imagination

-oh nvm he is here, hi livio

-"dreaming saint" may be one of the saddest nicknames he's ever gotten :c thats kind of what he is and that makes me sad

-and...there he is. not even a word, just him

-:c

chap 2:

-"overkill" huh? maybe

-you did that to choose :c you did what you could. god, he needs to hear more how him trying is enough.

-oh god hes spiraling, this is not the time :c i get it tho

-"you always give up hope so easily" and thats what he did when he chose

-its too early for me to cry, tears go back in

-wait chronica was in the nomad right? is she...yknow...

-i love that panel with meryl picking up vashs head a little bit cuz it gives me the feeling finally someone can protect him from everything, let my man rest pls

-oh shit bro you good?

-oh :c.... oh

-oh god ok its time for the cable

-oh god not the fucking feathers

-if i keep reading today im gonna start crying

chap 3:

-oh my god its the beginning

-he IS a clever bastard ill give you that

-the feathers :c

-oh my, things are happening (aka my cue to cry)

-its time knives, youre gonna fall and hit your stupid head so hard

-YES MERYL YES YOU ARE SO RIGHT MERYL

-NOT THE SCHOOL TRIPS OMG THATS ADORABLE

-...ok i get why *hes* saying that. the conflic, i think, pretty doesnt exist anymore for him but for knives is very real and really present. he may be a little stupid to understand balance and how wrong he is, but at the same time there was a reason for all of this. he committed the same mistakes humans did doing his stupid little crusade but you cant tell little knives, the one who hoped to connect with humans, that he is foolish and reigniting a conflict. its just 2 really different perspectives

chap 4:

-knives is a bastard, and an asshole and he hurt vash so much but damn it. i cant hate him, not after processing trimax for the 2nd time.

-anyway

-oh god not the cable

-VASH OMG MY SON MY MAN MY LITTLE MAN

-GET TFO LEGATO PLS, CANT A MAN BE UNSCOSNCIOUS IN PEACE???

-WOLFWOOD PLEASE TAKE THIS BASTARD AWAY AND TELL VASH HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM

-IT HAPPENED AGAIN, WHY DOES MY BODY REACT SO VIOLENTLY WHEN I SEE REM. ALSO WHY DID IT HAPPEN AGAIN

-also im always gonna say this is vash's mind and not ghosts cuz...idk....it doesnt feel like it. the ghosty presence feels more real in stampede but thats just me

-HIS LITTLE EYES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-THATS WHAT I MEAN, THATS TOO MEAN FOR A GHOST

-ALSO :C

-hes so tired, hes so fucking tired

-oh wait oh shit

-im granting you nothing you bitch

-oh god knives are you good

-oh yeah hes still there

-oh ok so thats why that plan doesnt work. ok continue

-oh he looks so weird and majestic...you really have to wonder what was nightow thinking when he designed this

-they are so positive, can i have some of that? a gram should do it

-you can easily replace "because i stand with vash the stampede" with jeesus but vash the stampede is cooler im sorry

-also kudos to them for never having a "yknow what im sick of you, i never needed you" kind of arc. thanks nightow. they are married from the beginning til the end

-im...not really sure about where did vash come from but at this point it doesnt matter, im glad hes here <3

chap 5:

-vash in a fucked up mind palace, i win

-"ticket to the future" oh no

-I DIDNT NOTICE HIS ARM IS MISSING???? FUCK???

-HES UP! REJOICE

-FEATHER

-"what a cruel joke" :c

-ONE LAST TIME BABY CMON

-FUCK OK THAT WAS SCARY

-OKOKOK WOWOWOW THAT SO INTERESTING. stampede knives was like "hey this place seems nice for plants, me and my bro. lets keep it" but trimax knives want to literally yeet everything humans have touched. in his mind he can live with other plants idk, in like the middle of space? thats so interesting...

-"what is that noise" YOUR MF SIBLINGS BITCH

-....cmon man. cmon

-were you united by hatred tho? i believe some plants hated humans but not all of them

-leave your own brother alone ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

-"this is insane" it is insane, so you better fucking appreciate what hes doing rn

-AH GEESUS NO HERE IT COMES, THE FUCKING CABLE

-LEAVE HIM ALONE YO

-HURRY VASH HURRY

-"dont touch me" not even us....just him

-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :c

-i fucking love those panels where nightow puts a lot of details and dark lines only to make the next page the softest traces seen by man

-FUCK HIS BODY NOOOOOOOOOO

-OH I FUCKING LOVE THAT PANEL. GIVES ME "ANGEL WHO JUST FUCKING FELL FROM HEAVEN" VIBES

-ALSO KNIVES SHUT UP

-[sidenote: emptiness from the signalis ost just started playing and now i want to bite someone]

-TICKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET :C

chap 6:

-THATS MY FUCKING GIRL

-shut up vash, pls shut up

-oh vash...if it was that easy. but i guess thats the point. its not easy, it will never be easy to communicate, but we have to try. more people should remember that

-"what matters, is that you communicate. that you understand the person next to you is breathing and existing" fucking beautiful nightow

-"i wonder if he'll laugh again. if he'll follow his ideals again" im so...

-oh knives hey buddy

-i hate it, i fucking do but he looks so fucking sad when the plants let him go. when they decide if he wants to keep going down the path of hate he'll have to do it alone. and in his mind i dont think he has ever being alone. it makes me sad im sorry

-using the feather is so smart actually

-oh hes here

-ITS THE SCENE FUCK HERE WE GO NO

-FINAL BATTLE TIME MFSSSSS

-YO KNIVES YOU GOOD CUZ WOW

chap 7:

-OH ON THIS ONE YOU DIDNT EVEN GET TO HEAR HER FINAL WORDS? THATS MESSED UP

-THIS IS IT HERE WE FUCKING GO

-YES PLS KNIVES CMON

-honey...no...pls. let it go, theres literally nothing left to do.

-THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME BUT STILL CMON VASH

-DONT BE A LEGATO RN KNIVES

-oh?

-OH SHIT

-[the promise is playing. the fucking promise is playing]

-YOU "WERE"???? WELL SHIT ON MY FEELINGS NIGHTOW SURE????

-KNIVES???? YO????

-WELL FUCK ME NONONONONON PLS GIVE ME REM BACK PLS PH GOD OH FUCK

-OH SHIT TF IS THAT

-SHIT

-YES PLS RUN, THATS LITERALLY WHAT YOU GUYS COULD HAVE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME. YOU COULD HAVE RUN AWAY TOGETHER (IN A FRATERNAL WAY)

-he is sadly a stupid idiot but HES MY STUPID IDIOT

-LIVIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE FUCKING MVP

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLS GIVE ME BACK WOLFWOOD PLS, I NEED HIM BACK. WHY CANT HIS GHOST TALK TO VASH HUH?????

-ah fuck...them flying away together it looks so beautiful

chap 8:

-HERE WE ARE HERE I AM FUCK ME

-its is a never ending song isnt it

-my man deserved to rest more than 6 months

-hey knives honey why are you saying "hes crucial for you"? is it because you have internalized that humans will keep you around if you seem to be valuable for them? do you think that if vash is crucial they wont kill him? in the many years you have lived you dont know any other ways to ask for help than guaranteeing there will be something to be gained? huh?

-that kid has to live with one of The Traumas ever huh?

-IM GONNA CHOOSE TO BELIEVE HE LIVES IN THE FUCKING TREE CUZ HIM JUST DISSAPEARING IN THE AIR? TOO SAD. TOO FUCKING SAD. I WANT HIM BACK AS WELL

-YES YOUVE DONE MORE THAN ENOUGHHHH, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO YELL THIS *looks at publication date* right

-i dont remember your name doc but damn, you are everything.

-ALSO 1ST AN OLD LADY WITH HER GRANDDAUGHTER SAVE VASH AND THEN A DOC WITH HIS KID SAVE VASH??? SOMETHING SOMETHING ABOUT FAMILIES AND MAKING A SPACE FOR VAHS WHO LOST HIS FAMILY

-you are so fucking stupid and i love you

-also where did he get...yknow...everything

-you should do that...im begging you to do that pls. get all of that, just live peacefully pls

-MY GIRLS ARE HERE :'D

-YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED, LEAVING MY GIRL MERYL LIKE THAT

-stooooop :'c my heart, this is too many ":D"

-THEIR FACE GOD I LOVE THEM SM PLS DONT LEAVE ME HERE

-GIRLS WHERE ARE YOUR GUNS LMAO XD

-the dumbest little song ever, god i could eat this man

-LINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MY BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

-LIVIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-ah fuck...i ended up crying again and i still dont know why :'D

what a fucking, FUCKING TRIP. this is literally one of the best things the internet has ever done. i want to hug everyone who participated on this. we did it. we fucking did it

[tehb3stsk4t3revr]

Howdy. Exactly what it says on the blog title, I am not gonna subject my mutuals to me posting roblox boys I am way too weak to own this interest publicly

Me:

Call me Kelly! He/Him. (Yeah bet you were probably expecting Kasper huh?)

I am an adult (under 30). This blog is rated T for Teens, I don't post NSFW (can't imagine where I'd find it anyway...) ✌️

I am at peace with sharing a fandom space with kids but if you're a minor uncomfortable with me commenting on your Regretevator art/posts, no prob! Boundaries are good, block if you gotta block!

This blog will mostly be Infected related, with some Lampert, Wallter, and Pest stuff mostly. Depends on what I find that I like?

I reblog random non-regretevator posts that remind me of regretevator. Don't worry about it > 0 >

This will be like 95% reblogs by volume but I do draw and post. Text posts and talking to other users tag is #Dead Guy Chatter, Art Tag is #Haha. I did that

Hi Kelly, Why Did You Reblog 30 Posts From Me Then Fuck Off Into The Sunset?:

I go post by post in the character tags when I'm bored at work, sorry lol

I guarantee that when I'm doing that I'm gonna forget that I already reblogged something and reblog it again like a week later. Take it as a compliment, I guess??? Your art is beautiful thank you for posting it

If I recognize something (or think I recognize it anyway...) that's a #D3j4 Vu r3bl0g. I just felt like reblogging again!

You might've also liked something from me so I backread through your blog until I ran out of attention span :D

You're on my DNI tho???:

It wasn't on purpose. I often forget to look at pinned posts before reblogging, especially if I got to your post from someone else's blog or a character tag. Again, block if it makes you feel better.

Blog Contents & Tagging:

Haiii, I'm A Shipper! ~(￣▽￣)~

I'm tagging Skaterlight with #Mah br41nr0t (I love my brainrot, it's a compliment!)

Partyskater is #P4rteh h4rd!

#The Unpleasant Ship Ever is for whatever the hell it is Jeremy and Unpleasant have going on, it makes me laugh.

Will add more ship specific tags to filter/binge if I need 'em but I don't rn.

I will not tag interactions between characters that seem like they're a non-romantic context. IDC if I or OP ships it. Infected and Lampert standing in the same room is not skaterlight unless they're calling each other pet names or makin' out or something. Exceptions being when I'm tagging my own art for reach.

There's no specific tag for Infected/Lampert vs Kasper/Lampert here; everything is just 'Skaterlight br41nr0t' to me. Happy to be corrected if there is actually a distinction I don't know about tho, I Strongly prefer Kasper/Lampert.

I love things that make me sad! (❁´◡`❁)

Injury tag is #0uch. Includes everything from heavy nosebleeds and vomiting to eye injuries, severe real life symptoms of illness, and cat death (o7 Poptart). I rarely reblog this stuff because I don't enjoy seeing characters I like get hurt, but sometimes the suffering feels In Character, idk.

Emotional Damage tag is #P41N and covers everything from relationship angst to implied offscreen death.

No I'm not tagging jokes about Mark and Wallter being divorced, they're hilarious and also canon lol.

Gross, this guy has boundaries! ( ಠ_ಠ )

Please tell me if someone I reblog from has a sketchy reputation. I'm not super involved in fandom drama and don't keep tabs on every controversy, but I want to be able to investigate for myself.

FleshCousins are a species of critter they're not sapient enough to like. Consent. I'm keeping my distance if you ship that or draw anything weird of one, idc if yours is a person, that is like... A parrot made of sewer hamburgers to me. ✌️😐

I am not proship, please leave me the fuck alone if you're into character relationship dynamics involving SA or other mad nasty stuff like that. There doesn't need to be a fight about it, I'll mind my business if you mind yours, kk?

[anotherbutterflyeffect2005]

Manic (2001)

is a powerful movie about Lyle (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a violent adolescent who is placed in a mental institution instead of prison. He meets a group of equally troubled teens who support each other through their mental health struggles. The movie provides a poignant and realistic portrayal of mental illness, delving into the complexities and difficulties faced by those who suffer from it. Despite the heaviness of movies like this, I find comfort in them because they offer a raw portrayal of mental illness without sugarcoating it. This movie doesn't attempt to teach any lessons; it simply shows how mental illness can affect people in a profound way.

"No, no. Sit down. Sit down! Sit down right now, Lyle! OK. Do you feel better now? Did you fix Kenny now? Is Kenny all better now?

How about you, you all better now? Do you think you're the only one who gets pissed off and wants to fucking rage? I can break shit.

I can scream like a motherfucker! All day long! Now what? Kenny's still fucked up, and I'm still miserable. I guess I gotta break some more shit.

Get up, Lyle. Get up right now, Lyle. GET UP! OK? Didn't work. I'm still pissed off. Maybe I need to fuck something else up now, huh? Maybe I need to punch somebody in the fucking face! Is that the solution? No, that ain't the solution, man. So what do I do? I just get on with my fucking life and I try to make something of it.

Why you are here, man? Why are you alive? Do you want to be alive?

Life is a struggle, Lyle. That's it. It's a struggle. That's the way it fucking is. Can you handle that? Can you handle that, Lyle?"

[foomoosworld]

THE RAVEN AND THE FIREFLY

CHAPTER 1 - QUOTH THE RAVEN NEVERMORE

Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem Reader

Joel is put onto garbage duty in the QZ and he finds a woman he never thought he would meet. She makes him see stars.

Minors DNI. Drug use, violence, overdose. But no smut. So we'll tick that off next time.

Also, welcome Stars Too Far readers that figured it out!

“Fucking, Tommy…”  Joel muttered, irate, as he stepped in the door to his house.

“Ah, don’t blame him.  He’s just working through some stuff.  Besides, if he was more responsible, I’d be out of work.” A man followed in behind Joel.  They’re both covered in dirt and sweat from working all day and their work boots clunked on the floor as they walked.

“I guess you’re right.” Joel stubbornly admitted, “But we would have been done at a reasonable hour if he had at least called and told me he wouldn’t be coming in.  His childish crap got us three hours behind today.  I could have seen my daughter before she went to bed.”

“Yeah, that’s rough.  They grow up too fast.  We spend too much time working to provide for them.” Joel’s co-worker says as he flops down on the old couch and looks around Joel’s living room.  Joel moves to the kitchen then points at him and asks, 

“You want a beer?”

“God, yes.”

Joel comes back and twists off the top of a bottle of beer and tosses the cap onto the coffee table then hands it to him before he does the same with his and sits down on a large comfortable chair, putting his boot up on the coffee table, swigging his cold beer and sighing with exhaustion.

“So… ‘Poe’... That’s a funny name.  I thought you said you were from Guatemala?  Is that short for something?”

“Nah… My father was just a big Edgar Allen Poe fan, I think.”

“Ah, ‘Quoth the raven Nevermore’ and so on?”  Joel quotes.

Poe nods and laughs, “Yeah something like that.”

“I never really caught the bug for reading except to Sara when she was little.”  Joel admits.

“Me neither.  But hey, Dr Suess is still a doctor, right.  That counts as intellectual reading”

Joel laughs and leans over to cheers Poe, “Man, I miss the years of reading to Tan and Amy.”

“Those your kids?”

“Yeah, Amy is 9 and Tan is 11.”  Poe nods as he sips his beer.

“‘Tan’?  Your family is big into unlikely naming conventions, huh?”

“Short for Tanner.”  Poe explains.

“Oh, right,”  Joel laughs at the now obvious answer. “I’d like to meet ‘em sometime.”

“Sure, well, you can meet Amy.  I haven’t seen Tan in years.  He’s technically not my kid but I raised him for a long time.  His mother suffered from mental illness.  Times got tough for a bit and I didn’t know she went off her meds to try to save money for us.  She started having delusions, thinking Tan was some prophecy from another galaxy.  She took off with him.  I filed missing person reports but the cops don’t care about a Gringo like me and his broke family.  Swept it under the rug.  I looked for them for years but they both disappeared without a trace.  I know they're out there somewhere though.  One day I’ll find ‘em.  She’s not a bad mother.  She would never hurt her kids.  She just can’t tell what’s real and what’s not when she isn’t on her meds.”  Poe shakes his head, sadly as he stares off to somewhere in space.  

“I’m so sorry.  Between the addiction problems, mental illness and everyone being broke these days it’s tough but no one should lose their family from it.”

“Yeah…Life happens too fast sometimes and we’re just left struggling to try to keep up and slow it the fuck down again.”

“I’m glad I met you today, Poe.”  Joel says.

“Yeah,  I’m glad I was available to help today.  You really remind me of someone I met a long time ago, actually.”

“A good guy, hopefully?”

“Yeah.  He really was.  Lives really far away so I don’t see him anymore though.”  Poe finishes his beer then as he puts it down notices the time on his watch. “Oh shit… it’s really late.  I gotta get going.  Do you need me on the site tomorrow?”  Poe asks Joel as he gets up and puts his jacket back on.

“Yeah, come on by.  Even if Tommy does manage to bless us with his presence tomorrow I can always find some work for you to do.”

“Thanks, man.”  Poe extends his hand and heartily shakes Joel’s hand. “It really means a lot to me that you’re helping me out like this under the table.”

Joel waves him off as he walks him to the door.

“I know how it is.”  He comforts him, “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.”

Poe thanks him again then turns and goes to get in his truck as Joel closes the door.  Joel rubs the back of his neck tiredly and walks into the kitchen with the empty beer bottles and puts them in the sink.  As he walks out of the kitchen to go upstairs to bed he passes a calendar that has tomorrows date circled that says in Sara’s loopy handwriting, ��Dad’s Birthday”.

Joel shuts the lights off and goes upstairs to bed leaving the house blanketed in the silence of night.

…………………………….

A large dirty handkerchief is tied around Joel’s face and his clothes are covered in grime as he wipes the sweat dripping from his forehead in the blazing summer sun.  He’s taking a momentary break as he unloads garbage from a large truck into the local landfill.  A job he didn’t outright hate.  It paled in comparison to sewage work or worse, burning the infected corpses in mass open graves.  It could have been worse work today, however, the downside is the worse the work is, the better the pay is.

Sure, the landfills smelled horrible, so bad in the heat of the summer it could make your eyes water, but there were no people out here.  It was like being in outer space.  Just miles and miles of nothing.  Technically, it was outside of the QZ, but it still had a large concrete wall around it so the infected couldn’t get in.  The government liked to needlessly protect their trash and use everyone’s tax dollars on useless expenditures rather than giving the people proper rations or access to consistent clean water.  Staring at the landfill wall always sparked some silent anger deep down in Joel’s chest but it was just one of many things in the world after the outbreak that enraged him.

Seagulls suddenly fluttered up from a spot in the distance then circled frantically around the area, cawing and creating a ruckus.  Joel shielded his eyes from the sun and squinted into the distance to see what could have possibly startled them. 

“What the?”

A figure emerged on the top of the trash heap in the horizon, wearing a tattered shawl.  It seemed to turn and look at Joel and the truck then skittishly, turned and disappeared on the other side of the trash heap.

The driver of the truck came around and elbowed Joel to get his attention.

“What are you doing?  Get on the truck.  We’re done for the day.”

“Wh-”  Joel turns and looks to the driver. “Did you see that?”

“See what?”  The driver asked, feigning interest as he walked back to the driver’s seat.

“That person… over there on the hill.”

The driver laughed at him, “You’ve been out in the sun too long.  Here,”  He tosses Joel a water bottle which Joel unscrews and takes a sip but never takes his eyes away from the horizon to see if they will appear again.  “There’s nothing out there but old mattresses, wood skids and the occasional dead seagull.”

After a moment of staring into the wavy heat of the distance Joel concludes it must have just been a heat mirage and shakes his head to regain his composure then heaves his tired body into the passenger seat of the truck.

“Get yer eyes checked, old man.”  The driver says as he puts the truck in gear and it grinds into motion, jerking and bouncing over the neglected, gravel landfill road.

……………………………..

Joel is sitting at the rickety, worn, wood table in his dilapidated studio suite.  It’s a tiny room with dusty windows and cracked walls.  It didn’t make any sense to put money into anything nicer.  He had given up on planning a future beyond these cracked walls.  Not that there was anything nicer to live in anymore in the QZ.  Everything was crumbling and no one knew how to fix it.  From the living spaces, to infrastructure, government, laws, morals and hope.  From the top to bottom the entire thing was crackling like an old statue, every now and then a facial feature would just slide off without warning, forever changing the once beautiful place and making it ugly, scary and dangerous.  

An open bottle of unlabeled dark liquor sits on the table next to him and a greasy, fingerprint smeared glass holds a splash of whiskey still left in the bottom.  Joel  looks down at his broken watch in front of him, the one Sara had fixed for his birthday.  That fateful night that she was shot to death by military when the outbreak started.  The night his entire life lost its meaning and any sense of purpose.  But the entire world seemed to have lost its meaning and purpose that night, Joel realizes as he downs the last bit of whiskey in his glass and refills it.  Why should his life be any different? 

He gets up, swaying slightly and suddenly feeling how tipsy he is.  With his glass of whiskey in his hand, he steps over to the window to look out over the city.  The dust had amounted thickly on the window so he had to use his flannel shirt to rub a circle in it to look out.  He, mostly, didn’t want to know what was going on in the world outside unless it had to do directly with him so windows often had no purpose other than free light or an escape route.

No one dared to walk the QZ at night.  The military jeeps were full of young men, mostly hopped up on drugs that Joel sold to them, with itchy trigger fingers and anger from having their future robbed of them.  Joel didn’t blame them for their anger.  Hence, why he justified selling drugs to people barely adults.  They had no future.  They were born into this godforsaken place, would never leave it, and deserved a break from reality now and then.  However, anger and mind altering substances often make terrible bed partners and oftentimes innocent people would be shot after dark, almost as if target practice. The only ones scurrying around were the thieves, drug runners, some Fireflies and anyone up to no good.  Joel had been one of those for years.  Less and less now as he ages but, on occasion Tess will bring him a job and he finds himself trying to cloak himself in night as he’s dodging headlights and cowering in the shadows of crumbling buildings for a few measly bucks.

He looks down at the street below and sees Tess dodge across the street between military vehicles passing and he shakes his head with a sigh, “You’re gonna get yourself killed.”  His hand reaches up to his dusty window and draws a sad face in it.

The eye of that sad face flickered at him.  Joel did a double-take flicking his eyes back at the dust drawing he just did.  Again, he saw the flickering just beyond the sad face in the dusty window,  He quickly used the sleeve of his flannel shirt again to clear another patch to look out and there it was, clear as day, a small fire, with smoke pluming up from it, coming from the landfill.

“I knew I saw you!”  Joel whispers to himself proudly.

He watches for a few moments more before the fire suddenly seems to go out as if water was dumped on it.  He eventually turns and flops down in bed.  The alcohol taking hold, and the pills didn’t hurt either.  He would sleep for 8 full hours tonight, but restless, synthetic sleep.  Never the less, sleep that was welcomed.

……………………………

There’s an arm around him.  He stirs suddenly and looks down with a start as Tess’s voice rings out from her position curled up to him,“One of these days you’ll get used to me sleeping next to you and not wake up like I’m going to murder you.”  She smiles as she, too stirs from her sleep.

“Yeah, well… maybe you’ve murdered a few too many people for me to consider that option.”  Joel grunts sitting up.

“Hello Pot, this is Kettle and he is black.”  Tess jokes.

“What were you scurrying around for last night?” Joel grogilly rubs his face.

“You saw that, huh?” Tess quips.

“If I saw it, then you know the military saw it too.  Or worse, the Fireflies.”  Joel goes to put on a pot of coffee.

“Maybe the Fireflies sent me out there last night.”  Tess teases as she raises an eyebrow at him.  He looks over his shoulder hesitantly then decides to drop it.

“Why do you keep coming here?”  He turns and leans against the small kitchenette counter.

“Dancing is more fun with a partner.”  She snarks.  “Not that you are ever sober enough to stand after 7 PM.”  Joel shoots her a glare, pours coffee into a mug for himself and one for Tess and hands it to her.  She nods and takes a careful sip.

“The Fireflies did send me out last night.  There’s been camp fires in the landfill and they want me to find who is lighting them.”

“Hm.”  Joel says sipping his coffee, deciding not to disclose what he had seen the previous day in the landfill.

“They think it’s a woman and they want to speak to her.”

“Is that so?”  Joel fakes disinterest.

“There’s a big pay out if I find her and bring her to them.”

Joel puts his coffee down and Tess knows she has his attention.

“How much?”

“Enough to get us out of here.”

Joel sighs in exasperation.

“We’re not getting out of here.  There’s nowhere else to go.”  He states simply and slightly frustrated to argue this with her once again.

“You’ve seen it.  I can tell.  You’ve been on the landfill crew for the last few weeks.  You’ve seen something.”

Joel buttons up and sits at the table, concentrating on his coffee.

“Joel - “ Tess approaches him and crowds in excitedly, “Have you seen her?”

“You need to work on getting a battery for that car if you really want to drive out there to your death.  Don’t worry about what isn’t living in the landfill.”

Tess watches him intently for a moment.

“You’re a terrible liar, Joel Miller.”  She stands up with a huff. “I’m going out to the landfill tonight,” She states as she slings on a backpack and moves to the door. “Come with me or don’t.  I don’t care.”

“I won’t.”  Joel sips his coffee, faking disinterest.

Tess opens the door and before she leaves, she says over her shoulder, “Hurry up  You’ll be late for your shift shoveling garbage until you die on your feet.”  She steps out and closes the door.  Joel sneers at the door once she’s gone then looks at the time and jolts up, realizing he’s late.

“Shit.”

…………………….

The garbage truck jolts and jars as it enters the landfill as Joel sits silently in the passenger seat.

“You smell like a brewery.”  The driver says.

“Last I checked booze aint prohibited.”  Joel snaps at him looking forward out the cracked windshield.

“You got anything for me today?”  The driver changes the subject.  Joel sighs, knowing he’d be kicked of this gig if he didn’t keep brigbing the driver with fentanol pills.  He hands him a small zip lock bag with four pills in it.  The driver smiles and exclaimes, Ha!  There it is.  Come to Papa!”  He chimes as he drops a pill into his mouth and swallows.

Joel shakes his head and grunts to himself, seeing the irony of the driver’s guilt trip.  But that’s the thing with the younger generation.  Pills to numb the pain of living has become so common place that it’s not even blinked at when someone is high all the time.  But someone who works and connects and pulls strings to find alcohol is shunned.  Joel partook in pills as well, but he knew how quickly they could ruin your ability to make money.  And money keeps you alive in the  QZ even if you go crazy by not medicating with drugs.

“Get out and shovel.”  The driver ordered.  Joel opens his door that creaked and groaned it’s own symphony of discontent, then jumped down to begin shoveling the garbage off the back of the truck. 

He started by tossing out some large, broken and forgotten furniture into the landfill and suddenly, his back spazmed and he felt a shot of pain that sent him to his knees.  He cried out in pain but the driver didn’t respond.  He couldn’t move as he crumpled to the ground and called for the driver, “Crankshaft!”  He called out the driver’s nic name but there was no response.  He crawled around the side of the truck and saw his door still open and a cloaked figure bending into the cab of the truck.

“Hey!”  He shouted.  You looked back at him momentarily from under your hooded, tattered shawl, then went back to what you were doing in the cab of the truck.  “STOP!”  Joel commanded but you didn’t back away.  After a moment you pulled out Crankshaft and laid him on the ground.  He was foaming at the mouth, overdosing.  You began giving CPR, pumping hard on his chest, rhythmically then breathing into his mouth.

“What are you doing?”  Joel shouted as he crawled closer.  You worked on him over and over but it was obvious he wasn’t coming back.  You fall back, your cloak falling off your face as you panted, exhausted, “Is he….”

“I’m sorry…”  You say, “He’s gone to the stars now.”

Joel notes your odd phrasing of his passing.

“Fuck.”  Joel hangs his head.

“He was a friend of yours?”  You ask.

“No.  He gave me a job.  And now I’m fucked.  They will blame me for him overdosing”

“Ah…”  You trail off, not understanding but also not caring and look to the horizon. “Goodbye then.”  You get up, lift your hood over your head and goes to walk away.

“Wait!”  Joel raises a hand to you from his position on the ground.

“I can’t walk.  And they’ll blame me and kill me if they find out he overdosed.”  He knows pleading won’t work on people so he pulls out his bag of fentanol.  “I’ll give you these pills to sell if you help me to where you’re staying for tonight”

“The pills that just killed your friend?”  You raise an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah.  It’s all I have to offer.”

You approach him then with a studious pause lean down and wrap your arms around his midsection, hefting him to his feet..  Joel shouts in pain.

“Stop.”  You hiss at him. “We can’t hide if you’re screaming.”

Joel nods between pants and the two of you slowly make your way over the landfill.

It took hours but you made it to a small hill of garbage where you pulled back some wooden skids and tarps to reveal a hole that went down into the landfill.  You struggled to get him inside then pulled the random trash to hide the door again.  You sat with him in complete darkness for a moment before you fumbled around and managed to lite a lantern made of an old, dirty jar and coat hangers.  You grabbed him with your other free hand and hobbled him into a small room that opened up with a wood burning stove, a bed and a broken bookcase that had shattered kitchenware.  You lower him onto the bed..

“You’re the one I saw the other day that frightened the seagulls.”  Joel tiredly states.

“Yes.”  You admit openly.

“Who are you?”

“People call me Amy.”  You say warming up a kettle in the wood burning stove.

“What do you call you?”  Joel weakly asks.

“My real name is Ameo”

“Huh… I used to know a guy that worked for me who had a weird name.  He named his kids normal names though.  Probably the trauma of being named after a horror writer.  One of his kids was named Amy, actually.”

“Common name.” You shrug.

Joel relaxes into the bed as you pour the kettle into a bowl and soak long strips of fabric in the hot water.  You pull up his flannel and undershirt,  “What are you.-”  You place the long strips of warm fabric along his back and he immediately understands what you’re doing as the warm fabric strips begin to relax his back.

“What was your friend’s weird name?” You ask smoothing more strips along his back.

“Poe.  After Edgar Allen Poe.”  

Amy stopped what she was doing.

Joel looked back, “Are you okay?”

Amy’s hands shook and her eyes grew wide.  Joel tried to turn to look at her as much as he could.

She asks,

“Are you Joel?”

THE RAVEN AND THE FIREFLY MASTERLIST

[insane-weasel]

I always knew the OG DSMP fandom would divide. But huh. The line is not where I thought it would be.

I honestly was like "yeah, SBI, Tubbo, Charlie, and probably Q would be more on one side and Dteam -Q, +Co would be other."

But I guess even as someone who watched the finale, the fact it didn't occur to me that I probably should revise my prediction to include Tubbo and Tommy as more akin to DTeam, because I really suffer from the illness of seeing Tommy as "likely to do whatever Wilbur does." Like damn, forgot he had agency.

To say the events unfolding are surprising?--not at all. Id say I'm pretty content with the fandom split and still enjoy both parts, absolutely. All that matters is the content creators I love working together (Wilbur, Q and Charlie) plan to continue and I admit I feel like Dteam's stuff is a different genre. I still like the genre, but sometimes the chemistry was off, with like what kind of role players they are. I feel like the way they split has something to do with BTS drama, but also with how they like to play a multi-player server.

Like how involved/how they like to interact/expectations. I can see after the stranglehold following the "plot" had on some people that they'd detest the idea, while others who flourished under the plot are more eager to return to it. Also--just some people you don't like to role-playing with and that's normal and acceptable.

Still wondering if this drama is a bit or like fully real and if it's real what the fuck happened off camera, dawg?!

But otherwise, damn this kind of fun. Woke up the fandom.

[lifblogs]

So I made a mistake with scheduling earlier and my mom said it was CRUEL. Yeah, uh huh, a sick person going through an intense health treatment that makes them more sick for awhile is CRUEL for fucking forgetting an appointment day/time.

She also kept telling me she treats me like a child because adulting makes me suicidal.

I… I almost tried very hard not to be here 12 hours ago. Archer talked to me, and after Loki yelled at my mom for making me cry he came and cuddled with me.

I thought I didn’t deserve anything. I didn’t deserve my belongings, I didn’t deserve my room, I didn’t deserve food, I didn’t deserve to breathe, and I certainly didn’t deserve my cat. After a few minutes cuddling with Loki my thoughts began to change, and I started planning what I could do with Loki later. (Though I definitely think she’ll use me reacting to abuse badly [oh wow, who wouldn’t?] as an excuse to not take Loki to the vet. She doesn’t even believe he’s sick, even when he has post-ictal symptoms right fucking in front of her.)

The thoughts have gone… back and forth. A lot. But now I just realize how ridiculous it is that I am 25 and she treats me like a child because I’m mentally ill. I also tried telling her she treated me like a child at a recent doctor’s appointment, and she denied the entire thing.

She literally started off some of her bs yesterday with, “I’m not being cruel, but this is why I treat you like a child,” after I said I know HOW to adult, but I literally want to die every time I do. So. Fucked. Up.

She also said she won’t help me with appointments AT ALL if she can’t treat me like a child. She needs to fucking stop with these ableist ultimatums and her fucking black and white thinking. She also asked why I can’t just do the appointments on my own. I don’t know, Beth, maybe it’s the fucking seizure disorder. Maybe there are a ton of potential triggers I’d come across in an uber. Maybe I can’t fucking speak for myself when I’m that sick. Maybe I will feel dizzy and need a god damn wheelchair that I can’t fucking push because my wrist is in a splint. Maybe I have an emergency med that someone ELSE has to administer because I wouldn’t fucking be able to.

I also believe she’ll use all this as a reason not to get me a wheelchair. She’s already being a bitch about that one. She kept saying she’d get one from her friend, and when I tried to be dead serious about it she said it wouldn’t fit in the car or the apartment. Thanks for getting my fucking hopes up that I could get help. And oh no, I’m apparently a bitch for wanting to kill myself for being abused because I’m sick, so I don’t deserve any help whatsoever and it’d be better if I just suffer. Thanks, Mom. /s 🖕

I just cannot believe she also said she would continue to abuse me. I’m sorry, but how does that help anyone? Guess it certainly helps herself. Well, she can go fuck herself.

[chococookiez]

I FUCKING MISSED 4/13 I COMPLETELY FORGOR BUT IM POSTING ANYWAY

i was holding off on posting it until i had more content but i did a fantroll :]

some other art/shitposts i did with it (+ my other ocs)

and here's bonus ooc shitty doodles i did for my dying tiktok account

i haven't properly drawn anyone other than aradia and sollux (and eridan partially but i've only done march eridans for some reason) and the one with all of them was . the first time i drew any of them other than eridan please forgive me

words under the cut. i must ramble

so . homestuck huh

how did i spend my first 4/13 you ask? got up at 5am to fuck around with my (slightly drunk) friend on vrc until we got tired, had various revelations, a whole crisis that i do not wish to unpack... im forgetting something

oh yea

dumb of ass moment: i played that one fucking solkat vn literally just for the hell of it

I haven't read the comic yet BECAUSE im planning to binge read the entire fucking thing over the summer with my friends and i am fucking HYPED i have the unofficial collection downloaded on my pc already in preparation and we're planning on doing a massive party once we're done we are going to have a fucking ball with this . technically i've only been properly interested in homestuck since february which i find really funny cause my brain made the switch so fast it gave me fucking whiplash. i've literally never had an interest hit me THIS HARD in my life especially with how little canon content i have to work with currently since im saving it all for the summer (the restraint is so hard y'all have no idea)

highlights of shit i've done to do with homestuck other than art so far:

made 2 extended zodiac pins out of pre-existing pins i had, one for myself and one for my irl friend

said irl friend had to suffer through a 2+ hour long infodump where i just showed them all the main characters i had knowledge about (beta/alpha kids/trolls, ancestors and cherubs), did a hussie and had The Quadrant Ramble™, shittily explained classes and aspects and tried my best to explain The Weird Time Bullshit™ (it was very fun for me . he also said it was fun but i have my doubts)

speaking of quadrants i've made 4 quadrant keychains (erisol spade, cronkri heart, meowrails + kurtuna diamonds) (currently only displaying 3 of them since the meowrails one fucking SELF DESTRUCTED as in the paint fucking peeled itself off and ive been too lazy to remake it rn) and i've been slightly tempted to add a solkat one but i have no clue what quad i'd put them in tbh and that's the only thing stopping me (oh and a meuloz heart . just because)

very very vaguely hinted at this once before but i made a shitty character playlist. not linking it or saying who it is. y'all can just guess

i made... an eridan osu skin. out of one i had already that i liked. and i've been tempted to make a sollux one. did you know im mentally ill (something did spark this: i had a map of eridan's theme that had a skin on it, so decided to make a full one out of it to fuck with my friend who likes him)

im planning on cosplaying A Troll but have no sodding clue which one. my internal options rn are kanaya, vantases (have their outfits/something like them on hand already, plus vantases have easy horns), leijons (associate myself with them a lot (one of my favourite vrc avatars to use rn is a meulin edit even), especially considering im a leo myself), eridan, aradia and feferi (they'd be hilariously fitting for reasons i wish to not explain, especially eridan)

am probably gonna land myself with a pile of homestuck merch, either from birthday gifts or my own stupidity

so yea, just a few words. i couldn't fight the homestuck

[vespertin-y]

afternoon liveblog! GUESS WHO’S GOT TWO THUMBS AND MORE STUFF FOR THEIR SACRIFICE KOKICHI PINBOARD BABEYYYY

-not tsumugi’s idea of god just being izuru 😭 how did i not catch this easter egg before,,,

-”...cults like these can be reaaally annoying if you get on their bad side.” how do you know that, kokichi?

-i HIGHLY doubt angie was meant to smash that flashback light...in a more interesting version of ch3, tsumugi kills her for this and gets away with it until ch6....i just really wanted them to use the first-come-first-serve culprit rule ok.

-”ummm...what if we get another time limit motive, like the one that got rantaro killed? ...shouldn’t we have a sacrifice prepared, just in case?” “you mean...if someone has to die, we should volunteer someone we resurrected?” COLD, angie, cold. anyway this scene is made WAY funnier if you imagine an extremely offended kaede, rantaro, ryoma, and kirumi watching it on TV.

-kaito is Going Thru It...it’s impossible to tell how much of his suffering is because of his illness worsening and how much of it is his genuine terror at the supernatural, but either way he is straight up not havin a good time rn.

-ok so shuichi and kokichi proceed to have a very long (and completely optional!) side conversation and literally all of it makes me insane so here it is, line-by-line:

-”oh, but angie wants to make rantaro the transfer student, huh? i don’t want him to come back to life.” “why?” “it’s cuz...i love you most, shuichi. i’m always thinking about you...and you’d rather see kaede brought back to life, huh?” “th-that’s...” “you’re so admirable! that’s why i wanna support you! oh wait, that’s a lie!” “...” the og explanation i made for this got a little too personal and a little too sad, so i’ll just say a) again, it’s much easier to make people *think* you’re lying than it is to actually lie, and b) adding ‘but that’s a lie!’ is like saying it’s not gay because you wore socks, OUMA.

-“come to think of it, i once saw this anime that was also about a death game...the mastermind sacrificed a family member as the first victim to get the killing started.” PIN! BOARD! PIN! BOARD! PIN! BOARD!

-“sacrificed a family member? as in...killed them?” “yeah, as a show of force. maybe that’s what happened to rantaro...what if rantaro was working for the mastermind? bringing him back might be a bad idea.” “n-no, that’s idiotic! rantaro couldn’t have been working for the mastermind...” [but...is it really impossible? we only knew rantaro for a short time. he did seem as though he was kind of used to the killing game.] “nee-heehee...looks like you’re starting to understand what i’m getting at, shuichi.” FROTHS AT THE FUCKING MOUTH,,,they both clocked how sus rantaro is but because of the way kaede’s death spent them tailspinning in opposite directions (natural extrovert kokichi becoming isolated and paranoid bc he thinks he’ll end up like her + natural introvert shuichi fighting his own caution to integrate into the group bc he has to fulfill her wish) they can’t have a real conversation about it. I Am So Normal About This.

-FTE time - this time kokichi’s second one! (this is just his episode, apparently). the fact that we know his love of yu-gi-oh is genuine because he really obviously based his outfit off of seto kaiba is fantastic, but my favorite bit is that he “plays” by drawing random cards and seeing who’s number is bigger - the hallmark of kids who collected the pretty cards but had no idea what the actual rules were (like me and all seven of my siblings hpshjdhbsgdh).

-one of maki’s next! shuichi telling her her backstory sounds fake is funny for like, eight different reasons. the holy salvation society’s strategy of being so suspicious for cult reasons no one realizes they’re suspicious for assassin reasons is also great. (shuichi is...bizarrely slow on the uptake here, though. maki saying ‘god really doesn’t exist in this world’ and shuichi responding with ‘so, you’re a devotee in the cult?’ made me ?????. it’s so out of character i can’t even be mad at maki calling him a fucking dumbass. she’s right!)

-kaitoooo :[ don’t call yourself pathetic for being sick, please,,,,

-”i think...himiko has gotten so lazy, she’s given up on thinking for herself...that’s why she’s depending on angie.” bold move to describe joining a cult because you’re suicidally depressed as “lazy”, but i suppose i can’t fault tenko for something that’s more a flaw with DR itself. her heart is in the right place, at least.

-”she thinks she’s [kami-sama]’s vessel, so she doesn’t feel guilty about anything she does.” “and that’s why you want me to kill her?” “huh!?” “asking someone like me for a “favor” can only mean one thing.” “...i...won’t deny that. i’ve wanted her gone even before all this happened. and i think everyone has wanted someone to die at least once in their life...but going through with it is a different thing! it’s wrong for a person to commit murder! it doesn’t matter what the reason is!” i disagree but i think it’s Neat seeing where all the V3 characters fall on this moral spectrum!!

-not maki and kaito having the exact same ‘just bang on the door 1 billion times’ strategy 😭 that’s rlly funny actually.

-”no, angie. that’s not possible. the bodies were not fakes. i’m positive. especially after seeing the wax effigies. the effigies were nearly perfect, but the real bodies still had traces of a soul. a soul desperate to live, struggling, fighting for life...that’s something that can never be replicated. no matter what technology you have, you can’t fake a soul.” how does he apply this to kiibo, i wonder...?

-”[kami-sama] says that if we do the ritual, everyone who has died up till now will come back. so...if those four really are dead, then the resurrection ritual will surely work.” she’s switched from bringing back rantaro to bringing back everyone...!? that’s not what monokuma promised.

-”if you’re gonna slow me down, i’ll turn you into a wax effigy! nyahahaha!” JESUS H CHRIST

-tenhimi breakup scene :((( the babygirls r so toxic,,,

-”you should let shuichi tell you how to apologize. he’s really good at it.” i...can’t tell if this is meant to be an insult or not......

-that’s the end of day twelve! see you next time :]

[tommyssupercoolblog]

I rlly do be completely bedridden after an all nighter huh. Sitting up, standing, or moving while sat up or standing makes me feel ill and I have to freeze so I don't throw up. So I just lay in bed all day, napping when possible, waiting until I can sleep through the night tonight so I can be normal in the morning

Like I'm aware this isn't NORMAL and neither is being unable to sleep after 10PM, and after that forced to do a full all nighter with no naps until breakfast, against your will, by your own tired and suffering body, but like..... I don't know why we're like this or how to fix it

We don't have money to roll up to the doctors like "hi if I don't sleep for one (1) night I'm in bed the entire day (and also sleeping all day doesn't prevent me from sleeping at night. Which is good because otherwise what would I do to fix my sleep schedule???) and physically can't fend for myself 🩷"

And I don't think there's a way to get our medicine to NOT make us unable to sleep once the dosage wears off, so while I'm unable to figure out WHY our body's attached to that that way I AM gonna have to fucking. Play by the rules of the court, I guess.

Anyway. All of this is to say I want a sandwich but if I sit up I'll throw up everywhere and that's like not very poggers to be honest

[requiemforarainbow]

Trying to write with chronic pain flares is...interesting. Under a cut for talk of unknown illness/pain and personal shit.

Follow my NaNo 2023 journey: https://nanowrimo.org/participants/jordan-a-wruck

So the last week of September, I started to have a small pain in my lower right abdomen. It started at about a 2/10 - just a tiny little "oh, that feels weird. Huh." I originally chalked it up to muscle pain because I'm a side sleeper, and my right side is the normal side I get comfy on.

October 2nd. Pain was still there and increased to about a 6-7/10. Immediately got me in to my doctor's Internal Medicine side to see a doc. She ordered bloodwork and an ultrasound. Promised me results in 24 hours.

October 3rd. Doc hadn't called with results by close of business. Meanwhile, the pain spiked to a 9/10. ER TIME! (I HATE the hospital, so for me to say "let's go to the hospital" it has to HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Last time that happened it turned out to be my gallbladder.)

ER visit took.... 7 hours. 7 FUCKING HOURS. 2 of those hours were in the WAITING ROOM. 5 was spent in a bed in the HALLWAY in between 2 CLEARLY MARKED ISOLATION ROOMS WITH THE DOORS OPEN AND NO MASKS IN SIGHT. (In retrospect, I forgot my mask too with the pain, and 5 days later ended up with a minor viral infection myself.)

ER doc ordered more bloodwork, urinalysis, an ultrasound, and a CT scan. By the time I got back from the CT scan I was starting to get a migraine, and the pain in my abdomen hadn't subsided either. (Also I learned I'm not actually allergic to CT contrast, but that's another story.) At this point I was betting either my appendix was acting up, my pancreas was being more of a bitch than usual (diabetes is fun!), or something with my liver.

So, total time spent in the ER: 7 hours.

Results from the tests: "Nothing actionable."

Total pain medication given: Z E R O mg.

That's right. NO PAIN MEDICATION. They gave me anti-nausea meds and PEPCID FOR FUCKING HEARTBURN.

Because as we all know, heartburn starts over near the FUCKING APPENDIX.

...Yes, I was and am P I S S E D.

They literally treated me like a drug addict looking for a fix. Even after I mentioned I had a migraine. All because my 9/10 pain wasn't making me scream constantly. My normal pain level is about a 6/10, which is a level that would have most people without chronic pain bedridden and screaming. For me, anything LESS than that is literally background noise.

Oh, did I mention I had my PARENTS WITH ME?! My parents - who are also chronic pain sufferers. My parents who have NARCOTIC PAIN MEDICATION.

Naturally I brought them to the ER to help me "get a fix", right?!

What does my doc give me for this chronic pain, you ask? 800 mg ibuprofen. Which - surprise - doesn't usually do jack shit.

I mean, I get it. The narcotic stuff can be addictive. And with the opioid crisis, they're careful who they give it to. In my state, you have to be under the care of a long-term pain management doc.

Who won't see me because - surprise - I'm a "kid."

I'm 36 and use a cane because of the pain. My primary doc helped me get a disabled parking placard. She knows how bad my pain gets. She knows - but she legally can't give me anything stronger than the ibuprofen. (Which sucks. But I like her.)

But you'd think the ER could have at least given me an ibuprofen!!

Anyway. Went back to the Internal Med doc a week later. The Internal Med doc set me up with a GI consult. (Gastric doc. I'm starting to think it might be warranted because it's starting to hurt every time I eat.) The date of my initial consult?

November 30th.

Yep. That would make the appointment TWO BLOODY MONTHS after the initial pain started.

Luckily they have a priority cancellation list. And I guess someone cancelled because my appointment is now this Friday (November 10).

I already know how it's going to go. They're going to prod my abdomen a little, not find shit, and say "Okay, so we're going to have to scope you."

I've had an endoscopy before, both upper and lower. The prep is a NIGHTMARE. (Note: do not drink the ginger flavor prep with Pepsi. You will want to barf for weeks.)

Fingers crossed the endoscopy will find what the fuck is causing my entire abdomen to feel like someone is jabbing me with a cattle prod every time I eat now.

And that I can get to 50,000 words this NaNo.

[wack-ashimself]

Probably the single most UNpredictable movie I have ever saw.

(but that doesn't mean it's totally worth every minute of its' THREE HOUR run time)

'Beau is Afraid.'

So I know the story and highlights of the director's 'Hereditary.' Dark, fucked up, a few good twists.

And I saw Midsommer (one of the DARKEST MOVIE INTROS since 'Ghost Ship'.) To me, it's was just 'Wickerman' 2020s edition: new paint job. Solid movie, few new additions, but very predictable (again, except that fucking intro man!)

<If you're wondering, I never saw 'Heredity' because way too much story info came out before I saw it which...ruins the fun.>

So I had to see Beau. And here's my takeaway:

What if the entire world was suffering from some level of mental illness?

Because, semi spoilers but honestly? Not TOO much...

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS REAL OR IN HIS HEAD. AND THEY NEVER EXPLICITLY TELL YOU!

Besides a couple of the scenes just DRAGGING out, moving no where (art to BE art instead of have a point), I was practically NEVER bored. I can say that. Because I had no fucking clue what was going on. My catch phrase was "what the fuck does that mean? And they better explain that!"

<WHICH THEY NEVER DO IN ANY WAY!? Paraphrasing from the words of the creator, this movie is 100% open to interpretation.>

I do gotta warn you about 3 things tho.

1-everybody is a bad guy. No one comes out looking good, really. But again, is this all in his head!? YOU DO NOT KNOW!

2-It was INCREDIBLY violent. You NEVER would have guessed from the trailer, but....exploding bodies. Seriously.

3-Because of the above 2, this movie makes you uncomfortable and squirmish. Trust me-it's hard to make me go 'wtf' and almost want to turn something off (especially if it's not grotesque, more...fucked up and weird) but there will be parts of this movie you'll want to turn away from, but you can't because....

--THE SET DESIGNS WERE AMAZING! NOTHING felt hollywood stage, cheap wood and spackle. The special effects were pretty solid too. This felt, for such an over the top cartoonish crazy world, REAL. Like you could touch it, or fall into it by accident yourself. You could study this film frame by frame some scenes; they put in THAT much work into the background.--

'Beau is afraid': 7/10. It ain't my favorite movie, but thank god for something COMPLETELY different. If you know where this movie is going within in the first 30 minutes, kudos. You're a fucking artistic genius. It felt like every....10-15 minutes you had NO IDEA what was coming around the corner. THAT is a feeling I miss from movies*.

ps-favorite part? Set designs AND camera work. Don't get me wrong, acting and writing was near perfect. But the amount of detail (you will miss SO MUCH) in each background, and his smooth maneuvering of the camera to feel like you're just walking with them....I literally just clapped my hands for. It was impressive. SKILLFUL. You don't do that by accident, but tedious work.

pps-least fav part? ...by the end of the movie, you realize humans are capable of some really twisted fucked up nightmare shit. You have to have a fucked up brain to write these kinds of things, too...

*We should start a (spoiler free) list of best totally and completely unpredictable movies. Honestly? I'm having a hard time thinking of one....best I got? 'Parasite' and 'Old Boy'. Ha. Both not American. Guess we ran out of creativity, huh? But this is prob #1 most unpredictable. Sometimes it felt like each scene was written by a different person in a way...except for the violence....that's quite consistent...