#guess i'm just gonna actually cry myself to sleep tonight

[jo-harrington]

When you find a really moving post in the tags and then you go to hit the reblog button and it's tagged CHATGPT.

What the fuck do you mean?

Everyone needs to get the fuck away from me right now.

[thecringemachine]

TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAA!

NEXT FIC DONE TONIGHT! (I'm so proud of myself)

Here you go children, drink it up.

NO SHIP! THE NINJA THINK OF EACH OTHER AS BROTHERS!

Enjoy @dutifullyshamelessninja

“Jay, for the last time, no!” Kai said as he held his swords close. 

“Why not?” Jay whined. “It’s not like I’m gonna break them!” But Kai just tightened his grip on them.

“Why do you want them anyway?” he asked.

“Because Master Wu wants me to cut away the shrub, and your swords are the sharpest ones here!” Jay shot back. Kai let out an exasperated sigh.

“Jay, that is what LOPPERS ARE FOR!” Kai yelled. Jay just folded his arms stubbornly.

“Yeah, but your swords can do the job much faster.” He retaliated. Kai just shook his head.

“Well that’s too bad. You’re not getting them so leave my room please!” Kai said forcefully. Jay’s expression softened.

“Fine, but first-” Jay pounced on Kai, knocking his swords away and pinning him to the ground. “-this is for not letting me use your swords.” Kai was confused for a second, but then he felt quick fingers spider over his sides. Light, breathless laughter started filling the air at the tickles.

“Jahahay! StahahAAHAHAP! NOHAHAHA!” His laughter got stronger as Jay clawed up to his ribs, digging his fingers in between the bones. Jay soon switched to jabbing Kai’s sides. Kai couldn’t help but snort. Jay looked at him with adoration.

“Awwwww. Your snorting is so cute!” he teased. Kai did his best to glare at him.

“Shuhut uhuhup.” He giggled out. Jay clicked his tongue.

“Now, that’s no way to talk to your favorite brother!” Jay chuckled, tracing Kai’s neck. Kai snorted again as his sweet spot was attacked.

“NOHOHO! JAHAHAY! YOHOHOU LITTLE- AAAAAH!” Kai shouted as Jay leaned down and planted a raspberry right in the crook of his neck. Jay pulled away and chuckled at his reaction.

“You're so cute! I could just tickle you to bits!” Jay teased, tickling Kai’s ribs while blowing endless raspberries into his neck. He tried scrunching his shoulders, but Jay would just dig his hands under his arms.

“JAHAHAY! PLEHEHEASE! STAHAHAP!” Kai pleaded, unable to bear the tingles shooting through his body.

“Oh, I would, but you haven’t apologized for not letting me use your swords. Brothers share you know.” Jay said matter-of-factly. Kai shook his head as another snort came out of him.

“NEHEVER!” He laughed stubbornly, squirming so much that Jay was struggling to keep him pinned down. He stopped for a couple seconds to give Kai a breather.

“Ready to apologize?” He asked. Kai shook his head again.

“Ihihi’m nohot apologihizing.” Kai said stubbornly. Jay shrugged.

“Then I guess we’ll have to crank it up a bit.” That was Kai’s only warning before Jay used tiny shocks on his ribs and neck. Kai arched his back and screamed with laughter as his two worst spots were tortured by the tiny but effective shocks.

“AAAAAAAHAHAHAA! NOHOHO NOHOT THAHAHAT!” He shrieked. He was starting to weaken and couldn’t take much more. And Jay’s cooing wasn’t helping.

“PLEHEHEASE JAY! I CAHAHAN’T!” He pleaded once more, but Jay just shushed him.

“All you have to do is apologize.” He said once more. Kai finally broke.

“OKAY! OKAHAHAY! IHIHI’M SOHOHORRY! JUST STAHAHAP!” He shouted. Hearing the desperate cry, Jay stopped. He pulled Kai up to himself and hugged him tight. Kai was too weak to stop him and actually snuggled into it.

“I forgive you.” Jay said quietly, smirking. Kai was too tired to glare at him, but he did poke his side, satisfied with the cute squeak Jay emitted. Jay just smiled down at him and sighed.

“Sooo, can I use your swords?” He asked. Kai chuckled.

“Yeah, knock yourself out. Just, be careful, I need them too.” he replied tiredly. Jay gave him a squeeze and helped him into his bed. “Have a nice nap Hothead.” he said, leaving the room without Kai’s swords. He didn’t have to have them, and Kai would sleep better if Jay wasn’t using his swords, and that was all Jay could think about now.

[bots-and-cons]

Haha fuck this...

Venting, ranting, whatever

I've been trying to get my brother T (who lives with me) to go somewhere else for the weekend so I can get some peace. He was supposed to go to our mom's place, because he hasn't been there for a while and there's space there. Our dad is basically done moving to his parents' house, which is much smaller than the house he previously lived in, so there's no space to sleep at my dad's, but take a wild fucking guess where my brother decided to go? He went to our dad's because he can only stay there tonight before they move the rest of the stuff tomorrow, and he doesn't want to be away from his computer the whole weekend. In my opinion he's way too addicted to his games and also actual gambling, so that's fucking fun.

I've basically been arguing with him for the last two days about him needing to give me some alone time, so I can get school stuff done and relax a bit, without having to be around him all the time. I have to mask (haha, autism fun) around my brother all the time, which is fucking exhausting and even my best friend said I look like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown and I couldn't really argue with that. I'm so fucking tired, and I'm honestly considering kicking him out. He's a selfish, spoiled brat, who thinks everything has to be done for him and he litereally can't do anything himself. He's 18, and he can't even do the dishes properly.

To be fair, some of it is my fault, I've been going too easy on him for the last year he's been living with me and he's gotten used to having to do very little. I hate that he doesn't do things properly and I'd rather do them myself than have them done badly or wrong. I'm also very aware that this is a manipulation tactic, because he knows I'll do the things he doesn't, because I can't stand things being done badly/wrong.

My best friend thinks I should kick him out for the sake of my own mental health, and I can't really say I disagree. I do well alone, I don't need to mask when I'm alone at home and I'm free to do things my own way and when I want to do them. The problem is, I'm too fucking nice. He probably wouldn't survive on his own, he can't live at our dad's, because there's no space there. My brother T doesn't want to live at our mom's either, because our youngest siblings live there and as he says, "I wouldn't get any peace".

Every time I suggest he should go somewhere else for the weekend, he basically tells me "WhY dOn't yOu go SomWherRe eLsE?". This is my fucking apartment, he just gets to live here because he doesn't want to live anywhere else. He has very little empathy, which in itself isn't a bad thing, but combine that with his selfishness and it's an incredibly bad combo. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, and he thinks I should be his servant or something.

I'm honestly so exhausted that I'm not even angry. I just want to sleep for a week or something. I have school next week, (Monday and Tuesday) and I need some rest before that. If he gets our other brother to bring him back tomorrow, I'm gonna tell him to fuck off and go somewhere else for one night.

My mom is coming over very soon, so I get to talk this over with her, and there's probably gonna be a lot of crying, but at least I can talk with her.

[ariannaromero]

cheater- chris sturniolo

a/n: my first imagine cuz im bored 🤩

y/n pov:

i had just come back from work and today was really stressful. I just wanted to lay down and relax and cuddle with my boyfriend. I open the door twisting the key. "ugh finally" I groan. "IS THAT MY BEST FRIEND?!" I hear nick scream. "MAYBE?!" I sat in the same amused tone. he hugs me super tight. "n-nick I can't breathe" I manage to say. "oop sorry" he says apologetically, a guilty look on his face. "it's fine" I respond. "oh Matt's taking a nap and chris is in his room, been up there the whole day" he says curiously, shrugging his shoulders. "ugh my back is fucked uppppp" I say with a painful look on my face. "damn bitch, u getting old this quick?!" he joked. "NICK!" I shout. he starts running to his room, I didn't even bother chasing him.

i went straight to chris' room. I walk into his room and I see him with another girl, guessing they didn't hear me cause they didn't stop making out. I felt tears flood my eyes I quickly ran to the bathroom hoping nobody heard me. I start sobbing.

i was in there for 45 minutes. I decided I was juat gonna go home. I looked at my phone for the time. 8:46 pm. my lock screen was a picture of me and Chris kissing on the beach which made me wanna cry even more. 'fuck' I mumble when I look in the mirror and see my makeup all smeared. I open the bathroom door and run downstairs, hoping nick and matt weren't gonna be able to see me.

but of course, on the couch watching Dora the fucking explorer. 'bro be so fr' I thought to myself. "omg y/n what happend?" matt asks. I felt my top lip tremble. "I s-saw chris k-kissing another girl" I said tripping over my words. " no fucking way" nick and matt said at the same time. I tried to sniffle my tears away. "I'm gonna fucking beat his ass" I heard matt mumble under his breath. "matt no its not worth it" I said trying to stop him. "no because what the fuck, chris isn't the type to cheat what the actual fuck" nick says. "so I thought" I whispered. I look over at matt and see him halfway up the stairs running. "MATT!" I scream.

he opens chris' door "OK WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" matt screams angrily. chris is quick to turn around. "what.the.fuck" I say. "YO HOLD UP ISNT THAT JENNY?!" nick yells all of a sudden. "yes it fucking is..." I say. "y/n, I'm sorry i-" chris tries to apologize. "chris no don't give me a sob story" I say backing up. "baby i-" chris says but I cut him off. "chris never in my life would I have thought that I would get heartbroken, especially by you" I say getting closer to him. he tries to kiss me but I back up "chris no wtf" I say "and you, you backstabbing BITCH I TRUSTED YOU WHORE AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME?!" I shout. "oh me? baby he never liked you in the first place." says Jenny. "wow really brave of you to say considering you are a fucking side chick" I said raising my voice as I finish. nick and matt are both shocked by my use of words. "I never wanna hear from the both of you ever again" I say with a smirk.

"well my job here is done, have fun I have no business here" i say leaving the room, nick and matt following behind me. I hear Chris calling my name i just ignored him. "well see you guys later!" I say my goodbyes. "y/n that was really badass" nick said. "she's definitely crying herself to sleep tonight" matt giggles. "yea" I laugh. "well love you both byeeee" I say. once in halfway down the block I hear them shout "WE LOVE YOUUU!!" I laugh to myself.

what the fuck am I gonna do about chris. I start crying again. "what's wrong with me...."

[cringesideblog]

here’s my dnf playlist and a complete song by song track-list and why I put them on it.

heatwaves- on here for very obvious reasons. i don’t think I need to explain. but here are some lyrics anyway. “Sometimes all I think about is you, late nights in the middle of June.”

Jenny- again this is kinda obvious. “I wanna ruin our friendship, we should be lovers instead, I don’t know how to say this, cuz you’re really my dearest friend.”

TALK ME DOWN- this one just has the best friends pining for eachother vibe. “I wanna sleep next to you, and that’s all I wanna do right now.”

Dark paradise- kinda has dream smp vibes. but also you could argue heatwaves vibes. “Everytime I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.” “There’s no relief, I see you in my sleep.” “There’s no release, I feel you in my dreams.”

Sweater weather- yeah you know why. you absolutely know why. “All I am is a man, I want the world in my hands. I hate the beach but I stand, in California with my toes in the sand.”

Drop the Guillotine- idk man just vibey. give it a listen you’ll get it. it’ll click. “You sure know how to drop that guillotine on me, though you would never wanna see me bleed.”

Can I call you tonight?- thats on their only for of communication being through the phone huh. (major heatwaves vibe) “powers out and I can’t turn the fan on, so can I call you tonight? trying make up my mind, just how I feel.”-“I hear your voice on the phone, now I’m no longer alone.”

Lemon boy- oh my god this song. geogre do be seeing dream as his lemon boy. “I helped him plant his seeds and we’d mow the lawn in bad weather.”

Yellow- DREAM IS LITERALLY GEORGES YELLOW SHUT UP RIGHT NOW. “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.” “For you I’d bleed myself dry.”

Like you do- first of all I love this song, second, this has dream being a little too attached vibes. The whole song is just them. “Lost in the blue, they don’t love me like you do, those chills that I knew they were nothing without you, and everyone else they don’t matter now. You’re the one I can’t lose, no one loves me like you do.” “Since I met you, all the gloomy days just seem to shine a little more brightly.”

I saw you in a dream- mega heatwaves vibe. “When I’m awake I can’t switch off,” “I saw you in a dream, you came to me. You were the sweetest apparition, such a pretty vision.”

Maybe you’re the reason- did someone say pining best friend who doesn’t know that they’re in love ? this song. this song right here. “I keep looking for something, even though I know that it’s not there. Maybe you’re the reason. And anytime I try to figure it out, you’re the only thing I can think about.”

The king- DREAM SMP VIBE. “You like me, well obviously, so why you tryna leave when you know that I’m the king?” “Other lovers give you no luck, cuz I’m the only one who’s made you fall in love.” “Playing with your heart cuz you gave me the throne.”

Sweet- an adorable song truly that actually fits them so well. “Watching the, video that you sent me- you know that I’m obsessed with your body, but it’s the way you smile that does it for me.” “It’s so sweet, knowing that you love me.”

Apocalypse- um okay here me out, apocalypse au?? yeah i know it’s cute as shit you’re welcome. “Your lips my lips, apocalypse.” “When you’re all alone, I will reach for you, when you’re feeling low, I will be there too.”

Fear of the Water- don’t come for me this ones kinda sad, beautiful song though. “If this was meant for me why does it hurt so much, and if you’re not made for me why did we fall in love?”

Dreaming of you- two words, heat. waves. but also yeah good song for them in general. “Want you all the time, and now I’m dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming of you.”

Wires- uhhhhh dream smp vibe, dream villain arc n all . “If he said help me kill the president, id say he needs medicine.” “He said that I should take it in, listen to every word he’s speaking.”

Midnight love- it’s girl in love so, you already know how it issss. “I know I don’t want to, be the one that you run to, when you’ve got nowhere else to go, when you need some love.” “I always give in to give you it all.” “I can’t be your midnight love, when your silver is my gold.”

The beach- SUCH A HEATWAVES SONG JUST LISTEN. “I feel it burning me, I feel it burning you.” “I think I can see the beach, I know what’s underneath. I need you here with me,”

Cherry flavored- the neighborhood just.. they have a dnf vibe. “Cherry flavored conversations with you got me hanging on. Down to earth from all the waiting. Take me somewhere beyond.”

Pretty boy- geogre is a pretty boy. point blank period. “Even if my heart stops beating, you’re the only thing I need with me.” “Pretty boy, you did this with me boy.” “As long as I got you, I’m gonna be alright.”

Bad idea- girl in reddd... but like imagine them casually hooking up and not knowing their in love tho. also I feel like they would definitely think that their relationship is a “bad idea” bc they’re stupid. “It was a bad idea, to think I could stop, was such a bad idea, I can’t get enough.” “Darling your so pretty it hurts.”

Line without a hook- ICONIC!! dream definitely does not think that he deserves george. “You can hold my hand if no ones home.” “All my emotions feel like explosions when you are around” “Oh baby I am a wreck without you.” “She’s a, she’s a lady, and I am just a boy. She’s a, she’s a lady, and I am just a line without a hook.”

Say you hate me- mega dream smp vibes as of recently. with the whole removing geogre as king. “I guess that your friends where right, from the start when they thought that I was a bad guy.” “Can you just say that you hate me? Or that you will never love me?” “Never meant to make you leave, never meant to make you cry.”

Cherry bomb- reminds me of how dream cheated on fundy with geogre. “I’m too close to crushing, and I’m too close for comfort I’m rushing.” “I ask how shes so mellow, she tells me her shades are in yellow.”

This side of paradise- I mean, like, kinda heatwaves vibes, but also just them. “Ask me why my hearts inside my throat. I’ve never been in love I’ve been alone.” “If you’re lonley come be lonley with me.”

Linger- geogre literally has that boy wrapped around his finger and I can’t not see it in this song. But when you look into it HELLA dream smp vibes, lyrics can be switched for either perspective here. “You know I’m such a fool for you, you got me wrapped around your finger.” “I thought the world of you, I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong,”

august- i don’t know what is but this song is for them. it just is. “To live for the hope of it all. Cancel plans just in case you'd call” “So much for summer love, and saying “Us” Cause you weren't mine to lose”

I was an island- i just love the idea of them being hardasses and not thinking they need anyone until the other comes into their life and rocks their world. kinda dream smp vibes “I was a fighter, and I was so brave, but I lowered my sword when you held me and swore you’d stay.” “I was a wolf, dear, apart from the pac But you answered my cries in the dead of the night and told me that you had my back,”

Golden- k this one feeds into the “you’re literally the sun in my sky I’m not worthy” feel “I know you were way too bright for me I'm hopeless, broken” “I know that you're scared Because hearts get broken” “I can feel you take control Of who I am and all I've ever known Loving you's the antidote”

Strong- ummm okay but the “we’re better together” dynamic is them “I’m sorry if I say I need ya, but I don’t care I’m not scared of love.” “when I’m not with you I’m weaker is that so wrong? Is it so wrong, that you make me strong.”

Fly out west- the whole, I need to see you, you’re all I think about, stuff gets me. also heatwaves vibe. “Well tell me do you know? You’re all I dream about. Take it from me I’m too dumb to recognize your doubt.”

Cruel summer- them and summer, you dig? “I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you.” “I love you and that the worst thing you ever heard?”

Nothings gonna hurt you baby- I put this one on here because of how protective dream is over geogre “Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby, as long as your with me you’ll be just fine. Nothings gonna hurt you baby, nothings gonna take you from my side.”

Cardigan- young love, the kind of lover that makes you feel like you are the most important thing in the world to them “when you are young they assume you know nothing, but I knew you-“ “and when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone’s bed, you put me on and said I was your favorite.”

Cry baby- them being in that weird stage where they recognize that it might be more than just senseless flirting and they might have feelings but also being paranoid that they’re the only one with feelings uh- “I can taste it my hearts breaking, please don’t say it. That you know, when you know.” “I know I’ll fall in love with you baby, but that’s not what I wanna do baby.”

Speak now- literally the fundy dream wedding. i rest my case. “I hear the preacher say speak no or forever hold your peace.” “Dont say yes runaway now.”

I love you so- this song is cute on the surface but kinda sad once you look into it. it’s kinda about a codependent love that isn’t going well. “I gotta get away and let you go I gotta get over, but I love you so.” “You were cool and I’m a fool so please let me go.”

In conclusion I’d really appreciate if you could check it out :) <3

[hacked-by-jake]

I feel so weird about tomorrow. It feels like the 8 days went by in a blink of a eye, I'm not sure if it felt like that for you or anyone else

Chances are we're going to be feeling so many different emtions at once, since we have a lot of questions that are gonna be answered

I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time I just need someone to talk about this to, since I know no one who also plays duskwood 💀

(Also I can't get this out of my head, but everyone in the community is giving off this vibe rn-

Since there's only one day left or a few hours at least, btw I got this gif off Google I couldn't find it on tumblr, sorry again if I'm wasting your time, I'll leave you alone now- 👀)

No! You absolutely don’t waste my time! The meaning of my life is Duskwood and I could never talk about it enough!

And I totally understand you. These 8 days went by so fast, I don’t know what I did. I was hoping I can prepare a little bit more.

And even though it’s going to happen today, I still don’t know if I really want it. On one hand, absolutely, on the other, I don’t want to. Oh, it’s so hard to decide.

I actually think what I’m most excited about is that we finally find out what MC has to do with the whole thing. That’s what I’m most interested in, we can make more guesses about the other things. But there are so many ways to do this, and I don’t know what to believe.

But the fact is, no matter what happens today, tonight I will cry myself to sleep. If I can sleep at all and my world is not completely destroyed. 😭

And the gif really fits very well, I feel like we’re all a special force ready to attack. Everyone is anxious and waiting what and when it will happen.😂

Oh man, I can’t wait.😭 Thank you a lot for your ask, dear! And I wish you a lot of fun with episode 10! Good luck!🥰

[love-hatred-stuff]

Title: ᵗʰᵉ ʲᵉᵃˡᵒᵘˢ ᵗʸᵖᵉ} Choi San [ateez]

genre: angst, fluff

warning(s): anger issues, possessiveness, San accidently hurts you(lighlty), a bit suggestive, a lot of swearing

word count: about 2.4k

Y/N's POV:

Me and my friends, Wooyoung, f/n and Seonghwa were in a luxurious club, dancing and having fun all night. While Wooyoung and I were sitting on the red leather couch, the other two were dancing wildly on the dance floor to the loud bass music. It gave me chills and I smiled in Wooyoung's face.

"We should meet some time alone again!" He almost screamed so I could even understand him due the noise around us.

"I'm not sure if San will allow me, but sure! It was a whole torture to persuad him to just let me out with you guys."

I slightly rolled my eyes at the memories of the conversation I had with my boyfriend San about this. It really was so exhausting to talk about something like that with him. He was the jealous, overprotective type and his possessiveness were slowly getting on my nerves.

"I'll have to talk to him." Wooyoung yelled again and smiled a little awkwardly. He was surely very good looking and my guy best friend but sometimes he overdid his confidence. I liked him anyways.

"But then he'll beat you up, you know that?"

I stopped counting how many guys he had defaced because they looked wrong at me or complained about his behavior and how he treats me. It was pointless to even try to stop his anger issues when it's about me.

We started dating almost a year ago and he still had these habits.

"That could possibly happen, good, that I'm a man that has muscles and goes to the gym also." He winked at me while smiling.

He always was the flirty type but I knew he wouldn't dare to do anything I don't want. And I also knew that he loves me but just as a best friend. He's more like a brother than to me a boy I would date.

"Good luck then, Woo. You know San is experienced when it's about beating someone up." I reminded him in a joking way but we knew that I was damn right with this point.

"We will see if I can do anything." He ended this topic.

"Does San know, you're with us at a nightclub?" He mentioned his name again.

"Better, he'll fucking never finds out." I smiled a bit intimidated at the thought of if he'd find out.

"Okay, let's enjoy the rest of your life then. Come and dance." He stood up again and pulled me with him on the dance floor.

I just laughed and did what he said. Therefore I went out with my friends, to have a bit fun again. Not that I wasn't happy in my relationship with San, but he always wanted me for himself and I needed for at least a few hours a break after a long time of avoiding boys all day long.

Now everyone around me was absolutely living for the moment and I missed this feeling so much.

San was also out, but doing business instead of having fun.

After hours passed and it was getting later & later, we were getting more tired each second so we decided to end this beautiful night. F/n and Seonghwa drove home in one taxi as me and Wooyoung did the same.

They weren't actually dating, but I knew f/n had feelings for my good friend Hwa since High School.

The ride didn't take long since we had stayed in town and soon arrived at my apartment. I hugged Wooyoung goodbye and stumbled into the apartment's elevator to reach the right floor faster.

I pressed the button for the fourth floor and after a few seconds and a few more steps, I was able to open my apartment door.

I sighed, so relieved that I could take a quick shower and enjoy my lovely bed. To be honest, I never knew if San was sleeping over or not. I was just guessing in this moment, that he would stay at his apartment tonight and walked into my bathroom, taking off my skater dress.

Before I stepped in the shower I looked in the mirror and noticed that my hair was kind of a mess like my eyeliner was, through all the dancing and stuff. After I separated myself from my underwear I could finally enjoy the warm water hitting my small but feminine body.

I was too exhausted to take a long shower and just washed my body and hair quickly, got dressed in cute panties and one of San's white shirts which went up to the middle of my thighs, covering my breasts that were braless.

I wished just in this moment that he would be here, seeing me like this. He loved me in only wearing his tees and my panties. He would fall all over me right now.

I smiled brightly at my imaginations of my boyfriend living rent free in my head. I was really proud to have him. He was pretty popular and so damn handsome that every girl that hadn't a boyfriend, had from at least a little one to a huge crush on him.

But he picked me, the bookworm, which didn't mean I was automatically good in school. I was okay but nothing more.

My ego was just too big to let anyone of the teachers tell me what to do. Everyone said I was so pretty, I could be a model if I were just a little taller but I also had my failures and insecurities. And that was totally fine because I am just a human too. San taught me how to accept and love myself and I was so thankful for it.

When I wanted to crawl into my comfortable bed, I suddenly noticed a tall figure standing in my bedroom.

"My god San! You wanna kill me here?!" I breathed out heavily as my heart was already racing.

"Where the fuck were you so long?" He asked now with a deep but angered voice. And I didn't miss the anger building up in his eyes.

"Out, you know." I just said and laid on my bed, ready to sleep.

"I know. But you didn't told me you were gonna be out till after midnight!"

My eyes scanned his face, waiting for his next move.

"I told you to not be out late and amuse yourself with boys."

I let out a "Pff" sound and closed my eyes, not wanting to believe what he just said to me.

"Y/N!"

"Yes! I know waht you told me but I wanted to have fun once, without you ruining my night okay?! And I would never "amuse myself" with other boys but you in that way! Now shut up and turn the light off. I'm tired of your shit!" My words came out more harshly than I wanted them to be but I wasn't gonna take it back.

So I just closed my eyes again and covered myself up. But nothing moved or sounded like he would do anything.

"What do you mean by that?" I heard his weak voice speak quietly.

Oh god no. I feared this tone so much.

He was usually more a tough guy who didn't show his emotions much to anyone but me. And most of the time he acted all strong around me too, but sometimes his heart just couldn't handle me if I prevailed with a loud voice and harsh words.

And his wound point was when I would mention anything about a break up, even in the slightest.

"Go to sleep, San." I told him in a rather cold tone.

I wanted to avoid a conversation about this and just fucking rest. I really wasn’t in the mood to stand this right now.

"Not until you tell me." He stayed stubborn.

I sighed and sat up straight so I could look at him again.

"Nothing. I'm tired. Could you?" I was tapping on the empty bedside where he was supposed to sleep. I saw how his blue eyes slowly got teary. Fuck.

"Did you mean you're tired of me?" He asked carefully, trying to hold back his tears.

"Noo... I meant that I don't want to be suppressed by you anymore. You always tell me to stay away from boys and I do. Nothing to worry about, right? So the problem is solved. Now sleep San, please." I begged and patted on the mattress again.

"I just don't want anyone to have you like I do. I thought you wanted to be mine also." He looked down.

"I do all of this because I love you so much that I would die for you. I'll do anything but please tell me you're not going to leave me." He pleaded and a tear escaped his eye.

It was rare that he cried but when he did he was really scared. He was scared that I would leave him.

"No I'm not going to, San..."

"You never call me just San." He looked up again with sad eyes, digging into my aching heart.

I thought I dreamed when I heard him sob so softly that my heart began to ache.

"I'm sorry baby, but I am still a bit mad. But I will never leave you, okay?"

He just hummed and layed down on the bed. I covered him with the blanket and stroked through his soft hair before I leaned back again.

I breathed out at his please and kissed him with a bit more pressure.

"Don't cry. Everything's alright baby." I said in a calming voice and turned the last lamp off.

"I'm sorry Y/N, don't be mad at me, you know I can't stand this." He pleased again, gripping my small waist with his hand and pushing me against his hard body.

"Give me my goodnight kiss." He said and looked at me, perking his lips.

I decided to give him one as a treat and turned around to peck him on his lips.

"I don't like short pecks, you know that Y/N." He frowned immediately.

I sighed out and kissed him again, with a bit more pressure.

"It's fine, for now." He was finally satisfied.

And finally we could fall asleep in each other's embraces and get the rest we deserved.

▪︎▪︎▪︎

San's POV

I woke up next to my princess and instantly had to smile.

She was my everything, I was so lucky to have her in my arms.

When my hands slowly caressed her waist up and down, I noticed that she only was wearing her light pink, favorite panties and a white shirt of mine that had slipped up to her upper buddy.

Her ass pressed against my member and I felt how I hardened at this feeling.

Always when we woke up like this I got a morning boner.

Luckily she helped me most times.

But what about today? We kind of fought yesterday, before we got to bed.

I would like to deny it but I fucking cried because of her words.

It was rare but sometimes when she was mad at me, she said words she didn't really mean and I can't stand it if she mentions something that would lead us to break up eventually.

I wanted to keep her forever. I wanted to marry her one day and spend the rest of my life with her.

I would do absolutely everything to prevent that we had to part. That's why I was pretty possessive and "overprotective" over her.

But it didn't matter to me as long as she didn't have much to do with other boys.

Though she actually hated that. She wanted her freedom.

Although it was important to me that she was happy, I wouldn't stop watching with who she was hanging out with.

She let out a sweet groan at my touch and took my hand on her now naked stomach, signalling me that she was wide awake now.

"You're not mad anymore, are you?" I asked with a husky morning voice.

"I can feel your boner, San." She just ignored my question.

"You are so damn hot babe.. How am I supposed to not have one when your cute ass is pressed against it?"

She giggled cutely. Then she turned around and looked at me with her stunning eyes.

"Just take a shower with me, yeah?" She smiled seductively.

"Everything for you baby." I kissed her cheek.

We stood up together and walked to her bathroom.

•••

"San, why were you so rough?" She asked in a quiet voice as she walked out of her room into the kitchen where I was standing.

"I'm sorry." I replied.

"I'm sorry? That's all?" Now she sounded really sad and looked at me with watery eyes and pouty lips.

But I had my reasons and it wondered me why she didn't know why already.

"Oh, you fucking know. You're mine and I had to show you that. As you always forget about it." I spoke in a monotonous way.

"I like it when you go rough sometimes but not when you start hurting me. You bruised my sides, San. What is wrong with you!?" She whined, now even more upset.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you baby." I stepped towards he and tapped her shoulder in apology.

"It's okay. I will meet up with Wooyoung today." She told me as if it was normal for her to meet up with him.

As if she didn't know that I would freak out at this.

"What the fuck, Y/N!? You will not." I tried to suppress an aggressive tone.

"I'm kidding, San. God, you're so controlling." She rolled her eyes back.

My eyes widened again at her statement.

"You're kidding?" I wanted to make sure, a bit to blended from all this stuff going on to even think straight and be able to follow her words properly.

"Yeah, it was supposed to be my revenge, idiot." She snapped again and walked away.

"Don't call me that!" I told her.

She was never this disrespectful. What the heck was going on?

"Y/N? What is it, huh?" I tried to sound soft but obviously failed.

She breathed out heavily, telling me how annoyed she was by now.

"Either you go and leave me alone or..." She bursted out.

My heart stopped for a moment just to start racing rapidly a second later as I realised what she implied to say.

"Or what?" My voice shivered already.

"Or we take a break." And my heartbeat stopped a second time.

"We just had sex and you're telling me, you wanna take a break?" I asked shocked.

I wished this was just a stupid nightmare of mine, because for me it really was at that point.

"Do you love me, San?" She suddenly wanted to know.

"What? Of course I do! I told you last night."

I was so confused and overwhelmed with this situation, I thought I forgot how to breathe properly.

"Why do you try to control me all the time if you really do?"

"That's the thing Y/N. I do that because I love you too much to let some boy near you." I tried to explain meaningfully.

But she was still quietly standing in front of me.

"I'll let you go with him for two hours, okay?" I thought the best thing to do is to give her what she wanted.

I almost missed that tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so damn emotional when it was about her.

"Please say something, love." I begged. Silence was never a good sign.

"I love you too. But you have to promise to let me go out more often. I don't care if it's with you or with my friends but I want some free time." She finally explained.

In the next second she was in my arms and hugged me tightly.

"I promise, Y/N. I love you."

The picture & gif are not mine, credits to the owners

[a-froger-epic]

I know this probably isn’t socially acceptable because I don’t have kids but I have to ask you please please please please establish open communication with your kids while they’re young. And actually follow through with it. Don’t just say “ you can talk to me about anything” once and never bring it up again. And when they do wanna talk about something, listen to them. don’t get mad or offended, don’t punish them for expressing their feelings, don’t invalidate them. Fucking. Listen. And above all love them unconditionally, and SHOW them that you do.

You seriously don’t understand how badly not having a safe space at a young age fucks up a person for the rest of their lives(if you do understand the feeling I’m sorry that you’re in the same boat as me). So much of my childhood trauma would have never happened if my parents did this. But I spent my life on eggshells trying to never upset anyone and grasping at any tiny speck of affection I was thrown. Now my mental state is so fucked I don’t even think therapy would help. Genuinely. I don’t think there’s any fixing me. I’ve been suicidal since I was 5 years old, attempted over 12 times(yes I am that terrible at everything) none of them know and I don’t think they’d care.

Tomorrow there’s a family gathering. My parents will be there. They’re going to smile and hug me and act like they love me and that they’re so happy I’m there. Ans it’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt so much because I want it so fucking badly. I want their praise, their love, their acceptance, I want them to want me. But I know as soon as we’re back home it’s gonna go back to normal. Back to them ignoring me, yelling at me, hating me, treating me like I’m horrible, a burden, like they regret having me. I know they wish I wasn’t here and a lot of the time I wish I wasn’t either.

I’ve been crying off and on all night and I keep having to actively stop myself from self harming. I’m trying not to but I honestly just don’t see much of a reason not to anymore so it’s hard. I probably will barely sleep tonight knowing how rough tomorrow is going to be. I know I’m gonna wanna do terrible things to myself once I’m home again. So it’s gonna be another fun night.

Sorry for dumping all this I’m just trying to distract myself I guess. Just love the fuck out of your kids. Or they may end up like me. This is was not being loved as a child does to you.

Or at least what it did too me. I’m sorry this is so long I just don’t wanna be alone rn and this just feels less alone but I am gonna stop now. You absolutely don’t have to reply either btw it’s fine. It’s a lot, I know. Especially about someone you don’t even know. So sorry.

Hi, anon. ❤️

I'm so sorry for the late reply, I've been very busy and didn't want to reply to this without giving it my full attention.

My heart hurts for you. 😢 No child should grow up feeling like they are not wanted or not loved, and yet your story is not rare, which is just awful. Parenting is just about the most demanding thing in the world, and sometimes people simply do not rise to the challenge, which is never the child's fault because they did nothing wrong.

You did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you and you deserved love, even though you didn't get it. I'm so, so sorry.

The only thing I can tell you is that the human heart (and psyche) is so much more resilient than we often think, and it may not be an easy path, but there is a way to healing. You will find people in your life who WILL be your family, who WILL love you, who WILL care.

Please stay safe. ❤️

[skywalkersthelimit]

Okay so I'm super nervous to post this but I wrote this one-shot for the #trikey fandom. Ive had this idea for awhile but I finally got around to writing it. It's based off the song Lips of an angel by Hinder. I think its perfect for Michael and Trevor lol so please let me know what you think and I hope you enjoy!

Honey, why are you calling me so late?

It’s kinda hard to talk right now 

Honey, why are you crying, is everything okay? 

I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud 

Michael woke up to his phone ringing on his bedside table. He knew who it was before he even looked. He didn’t know how or why because it could have been a number of people. He reached over and grabbed the phone. His eyes squinted from the bright light. Trevor. He was both glad and disappointed he was right but he supposed he might have willed it to be. His thoughts had been filled with his crew mate, best friend and sometimes more, but that was before Amanda and the kids. Well that wasn’t entirely true. Every time they went on a job together, they fell into each other as soon as they were alone in their hotel room. Michael just couldn’t help himself. 

It had been a few months since he had seen Trevor though. He tried to put distance between them. He knew that Trevor had a hard time just sleeping together on occasions and understanding Michael had a family to go home to. Michael wanted nothing more than for his friend to be happy but he just couldn’t be the one to give it to him.

He stared as the phone rang and debated answering but he pictured Trevor’s face the last time he had seen him with tears rolling down his face, begging Michael to stay. His heart clenched and he answered.

“Hello?” he whispered. He looked over at Amanda still sleeping. He had to be quiet. He didn't want to wake her and have her find out who he was talking to. He didn’t feel like fighting tonight. 

“Hey." Trevor’s voice rang out on the other side of the phone. 

“Jesus, Trev. Do you know what time it is?” He flinched as the words left his mouth. He didn’t mean to sound upset but he did. 

Trevor laughed dryly. 

“Oh I’m sorry, Princess. Am I interrupting your beauty sleep? I thought I might call my best friend who hasn’t talked to me in months” he said coldly. 

“Trevor, if you want to talk you can call and you can call during the day.” Amanda moved next to him. He had to be quiet. 

“Works both ways. If you wanted to talk you would have called. But you didn’t.” His voice cracked and ended in a broken sob. Michael hated himself a little more. 

“T, why are you crying? Is everything okay?” he whispered. He wished he was there with Trevor right now. He would pull him into his arms and hold him until the tears stopped like he always did. 

“Speak up M. I cant hear you" 

“I have to be quiet or I’ll wake up-" he let his sentence go unfinished, trying to be careful not to set T off. 

“Ah, of course. Wouldn’t want to wake the Mrs. I’ll let you go." He could hear the anger, the jealousy, the sadness, and the pain in Trevor’s voice. 

“No!” he said rather loudly. He snapped over to look at Amanda, who just turned over on her side away from him. He sighed. “Don’t go. Just- Hang on.” He got out of bed quietly and snuck out the room. He grabbed his cigarettes off the counter and sat down on the couch, lighting one up and taking a deep inhale and exhale. He wasn't supposed to smoke in the house, but fuck it. 

Well, my girl's in the next room

Sometimes I wish she was you

I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name

It sounds so sweet

Coming from the lips of an angel

Hearing those words - it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye

But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful

With the lips of an angel

“Now tell me what’s going on, Trev. I can't be too loud. Mandy and the kids are in the other room asleep" he explained. 

“I-I don’t know. I just needed to hear your voice.” Trevor replied quietly, his voice soft and tight like he was trying to stop himself from crying. Michael wondered what had him so upset. He had heard he had a boyfriend of sorts from Lester and apparently they’ve been doing jobs together for L since Michael saw T last. When L told him, he saw red. He got wasted and wound up outside screaming and crying at the night sky. Trevor was his, but he wasn't and he never would be. He didn’t want to but he hoped Trevor was calling to tell him he left that guy and to ask when Michael was coming back to work, to him. There was also a chance Trevor was calling because he was drunk and cranked out. Either due to said guy or something else or even for the hell of it. He might be in trouble or lying somewhere drugged out.

“Is it that guy you’re with?” Michael realized how incredibly jealous he sounded but maybe he was. Maybe he missed being on the road, never staying in one place too long. Maybe he missed the thrill of the job, and maybe he missed looking over in the middle of a heist and grinning at Trevor who was grinning just as hard back. Maybe he missed pulling Trevor into a hard kiss as soon as their hotel door shut and having the most passionate nights of his life, and then falling asleep in his lover’s arms. Maybe he even missed the times they just sat on the bed and talked for hours about any and everything. Maybe sometimes he wished it was Trevor who was in the other room, waiting for him to come back to bed. 

“How-how do you even know about that?” Trevor asked, sounding surprised. 

“Lester.” 

“Of fucking course. Well not that it’s any of your business but he's asleep. It ain’t like he’s my boyfriend or anything. You know I ain’t they settling type. There’s only one exception. Fuck. I miss you, Mikey.” He sobbed. 

“Trev-" 

“It's okay. I understand. It’s just so good to hear your voice, Mikey.” There goes that nickname again. A nickname only Trevor called him. A nickname that sounded so sweet coming from Trevor’s lips. Like an angel. A fallen angel maybe. 

“It's really good to hear your voice too T. Mikey. That’s a name I haven't heard in awhile” he said fondly. 

“What, too good to be called Mikey anymore?” T said annoyed. 

“No, not at all. Although you are the only one who calls me that, but I like it.” He felt his cheeks flush and his heart flutter as he spoke. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. Now tell me what’s going on please."

“When are you gonna do a job? It’s been months. We miss you out there. I miss you. I-I need you, Mikey. Please come back to me. I can't stop thinking about you. You haunt me every waking moment, and even in my dreams. Do you dream of me?” Hearing those words made Michael feel weak. He almost told Trevor he was on his way, grabbed his car keys and left without a second thought, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t leave his children. He might do a few jobs now and then but he wouldn’t choose that life over them. No matter how bad he craved it, craved him.

It's funny that you're calling me tonight

And, yes, I've dreamt of you too

And does he know you're talking to me?

Will it start a fight?

No, I don't think she has a clue

“Trevor, I-I want to be there. You know I do, but I got Tracey and Jimmy to think about, but I think about you too. All the time. Especially lately. It’s funny you called. And yeah, I’ve dreamt of you too T.” He didn’t know why he was being so open about this, about whatever it was between them, but hearing how broken Trevor sounded and how it matched how he felt inside, he knew they both needed to hear it. To hear that Michael cared about him, that he missed Trevor just as much as he missed him. 

“Oh yeah? What’d you dream about, cowboy?” he asked and Michael could picture his thick eyebrows wagging. He laughed, genuinely laughed. Something he hadn’t done since the last time he saw Trevor. 

“It wasn’t like that. Well not all like that.” Now it was Trevor’s turn to laugh. 

“Tell me.” He told Michael. 

“We were in a nice house, our house. We were happy.” He whispered, afraid of the way his dream made him feel. He didn’t want to dream of Trevor, of their future that would never be. He wished he could let Trevor go, but he didn’t think he ever fully would. 

“It doesn’t have to be a dream, Mikey. The kids can be in your life, our life.” Trevor pleaded. Michael had to change the subject before he agreed. 

“What about that guy you've been seeing? Does he know you’re talking to me? Won't he get mad?” 

"I told you he's not my boyfriend. I don't care if he gets mad, but no, he doesn't know I'm talking to you. He doesn't know anything about you except you're the great Michael Townley, expert thief. He actually wants to meet you." Trevor laughed dryly at that. "What about Amanda? Does she know you're talking to me? Does she know anything?" 

Does she know anything, meaning does she know when Michael goes away to work he all but forgets about her? Does she know that his nights with Trevor are filled with more passion than their whole marriage has ever seen? Does she know that Michael's heart will never fully belong to her?

"No, no I don't think she has a clue, Trev." He sighed. The guilt constantly ate at him and he tried so hard to be the husband she deserved, the father his children deserved, but he never would me. He belonged to the game, to Trevor, but it didn't matter. How he felt didn't matter, couldn't matter. He would push his feelings down to the bottom of his heart with a smile. 

"Mikey. I miss you so much. So much it hurts. I can't get you out of head, out of my heart. I've tried drugs and alcohol. I've tried fucking anyone in sight and even getting a wannabe you, but nothing works. I've tried telling myself you're better off with her, but you're not. You're miserable and so am I. Please just do the best thing for you, for us." He begged through sobs. Michael could hardly make out what he was saying.

He felt tears rolling down his face. He felt Trevor's words stab his soul. He tried to drown Trev out too. He drank so much even he was worried. He smoked several packs of cigarettes a day. He went to strip clubs almost every night and almost every time he brought one of the girls to his car or a hotel for a quick fuck. He just wanted to feel numb, to never know the pain of loving someone you could never be with. What was that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. He wasn't sure if he agreed, but inevitably he did. He would feel this pain a thousand times just to know what it was like to love and be loved by this man. What it felt like to lay in his arms as he rubbed his back and kissed his head. He couldn't give that up. He wasn't ready for that. 

"I'm gonna call Lester tomorrow and get a job set up. I'll let you know where to go. Everything will be okay. I'll see you in a few days. I promise. Okay?" 

"Yeah okay, but what about-" Michael cut him off. 

"We'll talk about everything then." He knew he was lying and Trevor probably did too. They both knew he would never be able to leave his family and that pretty little white lies would have to suffice them. 

"Okay Mikey, I'll see you in a few days. And you better show up" he threatened, half jokingly. 

"I'll be there, Trev. And Trev?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Next time call me during the day" he said chuckling. 

"Yes princess. See ya soon Mikey." He said before hanging up. 

Trevor just makes it too hard to be faithful and Michael was weak. 

[thebigsimp]

Marco x f!reader - how can I live without you ?

SEASON 1 SPOILER ! 

summary:  It's sad, then it's cute but you quickly become sad again because you remember what was sad at the beginning and the end is sad but it's also beautiful I hope

content:  Marco spoiler season 1 f!reader/s.o

word counts: 1.3K

tw: death 

notes: I swear to god I want to cry every time I think about this shit, he definitely deserved better... btw I didn't read it through since I've wrote it soooo you can totally say it's trash I won't mind, I guess. It's just that it's been a long time since I've posted and it just feels weird to not post still in finals exams tho but I got time to post this just for you if actually someone read it anyway ! hope you enjoy this sad writing.

I Knew  Marco and I were made for each other, and now it’s like all of my life is collapsing before my eyes. 

When Jean came up to me I knew, I don’t know how but I instantly knew that something was wrong. that Marco was dead. 

I tried to convince myself that he would come back at some point and that it was only one sick joke, but he never did, at least alive. 

“Hurry y/n we are not getting late again !” Marco was standing against the frame of my door watching me struggling with his teasing smile, knowing that I wasn't paying attention to his words. I’m screwed, I lost the bracelet that Marco gave me for our one year anniversary and we were about to go to a day of training...  “wait wait please , I don’t know where I put it Marco and I-” and his laughing now, god If I could listen to his laugh all day long, life would be perfect.

“You know y/n no one is going to see that you don’t have your bracelet...” said Marco walking towards me with is reassuring smile. “This is the one we gave each other Marco I don’t go out without it !”, I was about to curse when we heard our commandant shout the names of the cadets, shit we are really late aren’t we...

“We are in training for the entire day honey, you will find it when we get back home tonight” “but Marco I-” “I’ll help you to find it but we need to go before commandant Sadies find out that we are late, let’s go” he’s right I don’t want to end up like Sasha. 

For whatever reason commandant Sadie didn’t say anything when he saw us running in line but instead continued the call up our name, he might be up to something. 

“Listen up cadets, today is a very physical day, the training is going to be difficult and you won’t get back here until 11pm, so I hope you got a great sleep because I will need you at 100. I've prepared some groups exercices for todays training, it’s to build your  team work assets because for what I saw previously you guys don’t understand the basics of it. I need teams of five ! hurry up so we can start” I take a look at the cadets, I mean he isn’t wrong but everyone seems to focus on getting into the military police, so of course they aren't going to team up. Now I know why they are training us to have great team work, they want us to join the survey corps. But sometimes I can see Mikasa, Armin and Eren helping each other, I mean it's more Mikasa and Armin helping Eren but sure. Reiner and Bertholdt are always together same goes for Christa and Ymir and Connie and Sasha. Jean, Marco and I are quite close as well. We all are close to each other but not as a team like they want...

“ So babe do you want to be with us ?” says Marco “Huh?” Marco, Jean, Connie and Sasha were looking at me waiting for an answer I presume, “Marco isn’t she your girlfriend or something ?” Connie say  “Hey but it doesn’t mean that we have to be with each other all the time you know” says Marco looking at me with a teasing smile, Jean snort a little at Marco’s intervention “you guys are literally together every time !” “I know Jean, so babe ?” “I guess we can team up this time” “good”. 

The tree others were physically cringing to the conversations Marco and I were having. “ babe you know what we could do right know ?” “what ? honey?” “well we can go somewhere calm and you know cuddles until it’s our turn to go training...” “you guys are so disgusting I swear” “Jean they are literally talking about cuddling” “Sasha, Jean is right, they are disgusting” “oh my fucking god guys cuddling is just cuddling I’m not gonna fuck my girlfriend here” “Wooaaaw Marco your innocence ?!”. If only Jean knew... 

At the end of the day, everyone were tired, people were crawling back to their room, some others were going straight to eat, we clearly needed to rest. Marco took me in his arm and carrying me to my room. 

“Marco cuddle, cuddle, cuddle” As he was about to exit the room “I need to get you food honey, I’m coming back as soon as I get you some, alright ?” "alright"

that night we just cuddled while talking about our future, our future together.

" y/n I'm about to say something crazy so don't freak out" I looked at him with an amused face "alright Marco say what's on your mind already" Marco pushed a string of hair away from my face with a fond smile before talking again " Well I know we just join the military and that training isn't over, let alone that we havent started fighting against titans and that all of that will probably take a will before we find a way to stop this madness but I'm already thinking of our future" I got up to face him "our future ?" "yes, you and me, living somewhere calm, not far away from our friends but still pretty far so it looks like we are alone together. We can get married, have children, I want a daughter and a son, and we can maybe start a little school together like our parents..." oh yes before the fall of the walls my parents along side Marco parents were proud teachers they dedicated their lives to make sure that we could have the proper education even with those difficult times "I would love that Marco" Marco face light up at my words "we could discover so many things behind those walls and and-" "we will be able to teach something new everyday" Marco smiled at me " you read my mind, I told you we were made for each other" I rolled my eyes before giving a slight punch to his right shoulder "ouch".

"I love you y/n, we will be together trying to navigate life together" "until the end" "until the end are you kidding me even in the other side we will be together" "Marco I was trying to be dramatic" "I know but I just don't like to know that you are thinking of your death like that, you know especially when I'm right here, to protect you" I giggled at is sudden confidence " I know right how can live without you ?" " I don't know it is a miracle that you manage to live to the day we've met" " Marco oh my god haha"

Who would've known that the end of us would happened so quickly.

I miss having you arm around me, I miss seeing your smile every time I say something, I miss the warmth of your body against mine. I miss your wise words. I miss everything.

Jean isn't the same anymore, he saw you laying there lifeless. If they hadn't choose to put me somewhere else I would've been with you, I would've try to save you. I wasn't there when you needed me, I wasn't there when this titan crushed our hopes and destroyed our future.

I know that you would probably want the best for me, you want me to be happy, you want to enjoy my life while I'm still alive. And to be completely honest with you I don't know how it could be possible, but both of know what happened that night when we talk about our future we also made a promise to each other, and I am going to make sure to make you proud from who you are, and when my time is here you'll be happy to see me again, and we will live our future.

[queenattheopera]

Opening Number, Part 5

Prompt: This is the story of the band that skyrocketed beside Queen and how their singer was fated to be with one of them.

Warning: Cussing and implied smut

If you want to catch up with previous parts they’re linked on my Masterlist in my bio

January 1, 1971

If it weren’t for the enticing smell of food I don’t think I would’ve considered leaving my bed. Sitting up I could feel my head pounding. I grimsed and closed my eyes. I refused to move for a few seconds. I could feel the intense pounding in the back of my head, it me a few deep breaths to find some relief but i knew that wasn't going to last. So I tried to redirect my attention to recalling what happened last night.

I took some shots, danced with Fred, and then I made out with someone. I couldn't seem to remember who it was but I remember how their hands felt as they roamed my body. I remember their lips exploring just as much as their hands did. I remember the smell of alcohol in their breath and how intoxicating their scent was. I sighed and opened my eyes. The noise in the kitchen hadn't stopped but I was too nervous to see who was causing it.

Who do i want it to be?

As I pushed myself off my mattress, I was met with nothing but cold air. I pulled the comforter off the bed and wrapped myself with it. As I'm tried taking the first few steps away from the bed frame I began to limp. Sore could barely describe how my legs felt. As I try to move further the blanket gets caught on something, not caring enough to find out I decide to yank it. I heard something fall but it didn't sound broken so I continued to make my way towards the mysterious figure in my home. The closer I got the more anxious I became. I could feel my heart begin to race. As it sped up more and more, it was all I could hear. I was about to turn into the kitchen when they stepped out.

I froze and forced myself to make eye contact with the them.

“...Noah?”

“I was wondering when you would get out of bed.” My stomach dropped. I don't think i slept with him, right? Not that he's not attractive, but he's my best friend. “Are you okay? You left really early last night, I mean I don't think you got any sleep going from the bags under your eyes.” I don't want to look at him because I felt beyond embarrassed but I need to know what happened last night.

“Wait so we didn't..?” He was silent for a few seconds before beginning to laugh, “Wow you must have been fucked up if you really thought that we would ever do anything.I mean no offense-” Before he could finish I punch his shoulder. “Shut up!” I feel my face growing warmer but I was relieved that he wasn’t the open who I had slept with.

“What the hell are you doing here anyway?” He walks towards the dining room but I don't make any move to follow him. “Cmon, at least take a look to see what I did.” Rolling my eyes I begin to make my way over while trying to hide the extremely obvious limp with the comforter. I'm sure he noticed after he snorted but he didn't say anything.

“Ta-da! I made you a birthday breakfast!” Seeing the table setup my eyes begin to water. He had made all my favorite foods and there were even a few gifts in the corner of my room. I looked at him and he had the biggest proudest smile plastered on his face. He was admiring his work but his smile disappeared when he saw that I began to cry.

“What happened? Did I do something wrong? I mean I know it's just me but I remember you told me not to tell anyone else and that you usually celebrate alone. I just thought you would like this.” I laughed at his rambling and wiped the tears away.

“It’s fine Noah, It's actually perfect, I just haven't really had a party or anything since my parents passed away. I- um Thank you..” His demeanor changed, and instead of getting a look of pity, he smiles and gives me a hug. “Why don't you go clean up and get dressed so we could eat and you could open your gifts okay?” I nod and go back to my room.

Walking back towards my room I see a puddle, I guess when the blanket got stuck I had knock over a glass of water resting on my nightstand. Bending down to pick up the glass I find a piece of paper under my bed.

Sorry I couldn't stay love. Let me make it up to you. I’ll pick you up tonight around 9. -hbsdcbaib I reread the paper a few times, then I just stared at the smug as I tried to decipher whose name was written.

I want to scream. I feel nothing but anger towards myself. If I hadn't spilled that water on the note than I would have known exactly who the I slept with last night. Instead my lover is faceless.

There was nothing I could do but wait. I grab some clothes and head towards the bathroom. Before I entered, I let the blanket fall than close the door. I standing in front of the mirror I take in every detail. My eyes look much worse than to what Noah had led me to believe. Then there was my neck and chest. I was covered in bite marks and hickies. When I turned to step into the bath tub I could feel some tenderness in my hips. Looking down I see bruises, resembling someone's hands. When looking at my legs, I’m met with two more hickies.

Ignoring the achiness I take a hot shower. As I'm standing there I think back to last night. I remember the passion and roughness that my counterpart used. When he had me against the wall or when his head was between my legs. He was confident with very move. He worshiped my body. Together we fit like puzzle pieces. I could feel the heat between my legs begin to intensify. I push it away and finish my shower. After I'm dressed I look into the mirror. I know Noah has seen most the marks on my neck but I still had the urge to cover them. I grabbed some makeup and covered most of them. The others were too dark to hide so I grabbed a turtle neck from my closest and changed. Satisfied with eth look I walked back toward the dining room.

“Finally, do you know how hard it was to have all this food but not to be able to eat any of it.” I laugh and sit down across from him. I don't say anything as I grab a fork and stab the food in the plate. None of it ever makes it into my mouth a dn instead just gets moved around. I could feel Noah's concerned gaze on me but neither of say anything. He comes around the table and bends down to my height.

“Did something happen? If something did you don't have to tell me, but just know that I'm here for you. And if it was one of the guys, I swear I'll kill them.” I smile and roll my eyes. “No you won't, you'll have Em do it.” He laughs but he still looks worried. I sighed, i think back to last night. “I was um, um I was almost attacked last night.” I can't bring myself to look up at him, I was embarrassed, blaming myself for what could’ve happen.

“Who?” I look at him and i'm surprised by how intense his gaze his. A few tears slip out, my anxiety and stress had finally taken hold of the wheel. “Don’t worry about it, Im fine, it was nothing. Its what happened after. Roger saved me. Then Brian and John comforted me. Then i slept with someone and I don't even know how. They left a fucking note that I ruined so now I have no idea who it was from. I’m confused and I don't know what to do and my head hurts and -” I couldn't finish my sentence because I began to cry. Well I was actually sobbing. This only increased the pain I was feeling and it made me feel weak and powerless.

Noah holds me and doesn't say anything. He pulls away when I had started to calm down. “Its okay, it's going to be okay. Let's figure this out. You should eat, I'm going to call the gang and Freddie.”

After sitting there for a minute or two began to eat. I don't have much of an appetite but I forced myself to eat and drink a glass of water. When Noah came back he cleaned up and began to hide the gifts. I silently thanked him for still considering how I felt about my birthday. Just as we had finished cleaning up there was a knock at the door. It must have been Fred because everyone else had a key.

I walked towards the order. I was happy when I noticed that i could walk normally despite the ache. When I opened the door the first thing Freddie did was gasp. “Oh you poor thing! Come here love.” Freddie pulled me into a hug. I guess the crying made my makeup run and that's why he gasped. He didn’t say anything. All he did was shush me an rub my back. It was actually really comforting. When I pulled away freddie began to fix my hair. I smiled softly before taking his hand off my hair. I led him inside. “Thanks for coming Freddie, I'm sorry if you were busy, we shouldn't have called.” I didn't want to be another and I wasn't feeling my best. Frankly I didn't have the energy to be my usually bubbly self. “Nonsense darling, I'll always be here for you.” He rubs my shoulder and gives me the biggest smile.

“Alright love, since we dont know whos coming to pick you up, let's get you dolled up.”

“Lets get her comfortable first, Y/n, we know youre probably aren't feeling up to anything right now so here's what we're gonna do. You're going to take some pain medication, take a nap then we'll get you ready okay.” Emily had let herself in and was beginning to take charge. Usually Fred and her would annoy each other but after their silent communication Freddie turned to me and smiled. “She's right love, get some rest.” I looked between the too and nodded. Once I was in my room I began to run last night over and over again. I felt stupid, I got drunk last night for a reason, now I'll have to live with the haunting my actions for the rest of my life.

“Hey y/n, Em told me to give this to you.” Charlie handed me the medicine and sat at the foot of my bed. “I know how you are. I know you're blaming yourself right now but I also know that it's not. You're okay. We're here for you.” I took the pills and nodded. “Thank you.”

In the next few hours while I slept, my house guests cleaned and prepared everything for me. They had set aside an outfit they knew I would like and they spoke about how they would help me feel better.

When I woke up my headache was alleviated and I felt more nervous than ever. I stood up to find an outfit set hanging on my closet door. I put it on and reapplied my make-up. When i walked out of my bedroom I found the gang in my living room playing scrabble.

“Y/n you're up!” I walk to them and Noah gets up and offers me his spot. He then walks away. I turn to the others looking for soe response as to what they're doing.

“It's your turn.” When i look u at them, i realize they are speaking to me. I make a calculated move. Noah comes back with some tea. They don't bring up anything from yesterday and instead play a friendly game of scrabble. Their passive actions put me at ease. I became so focused on the game I forgot about yesterday. It was what Emilly planed. They distracted me, they took my focus away from all the bad and gave me a moment of peace.

Before I knew it, t was 8:50. “Alright y/n, your dates gonna get be here but were going to be in the bedroom. They’ll be here soon. I know you're going to be nervous, but if you ever feel uncomfortable, just know we're here for you.” “Yes darling, and if any of the boys do anything, then ill kick their arses. You know I was pretty good boxer.” I smile and nod. “Thank you, I mean in.” I pull Em and Fred into hug. Charlie and Noah don't hesitate to join. I watch as they walk into the bedroom and close the door. I take deep breaths but I could feel myself getting nervous all over again. I'll admit it's not as bad as before but I was still really anxious. I was spacing in the living room while trying to relax.

I jumped when I heard a knock at the door. I was frozen and I stopped breathing for a second. When they knocked again I let out my the breath I was holding in. I moved cautiously towards the door. I unlocked the door and put my hand on the doorknob. Here goes nothing.

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[agentunwin]

RUNAWAY [SHAWN X READER]

A/N: God this is honestly so bad because I just wrote it really quick just to have something to upload, so I’m sorry in advance jdks

Prompt: It’s your wedding day, but the man you actually want to marry will be sitting in the crowd.

Warnings: Cursing, angst, fluff (why is that a warning?)

Words: 2,381

Masterlist

-

The curls peeking from the side of the door are the first thing you notice. Shawn never was very good at sneaking.

And as he watches you and your bridesmaids getting ready for the big event that was starting in all but 20 minutes, he couldn’t control the stream of different emotions flowing through him. 

You’re wearing a long, flowing, diamond-studded dress like the star you are. This dress was you; the embodiment of class, elegance, beauty. You were gleaming, your makeup absolutely perfect, hair styled pristinely.

The glow emanating from your face was ethereal. You looked happy.

But not happy because of him.

Shawn's mind goes blank for a while, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, and he only comes to when he notices you kindly waving your bridesmaids out of the room.

At this, Shawn stands up straight and clears his throat, pretending to check his time or fix his hair or adjust his tie; anything to not make himself look suspicious as the girls passed him, going to fulfill their duties somewhere else.

The room he had been listening in on was now silent, and the war inside his mind was only growing. Should I go in and say hi?, he'd ask himself, or should I just leave?

The long, strange silence is broken when your voice speaks out, catching him off guard.

"You can come in, Shawn."

Shawn's eyes go wide at the realization that he's been caught, but he stands up from the wall and nervously takes a few steps into the room, feeling blessed to even breathe the same air as you again.

You look different than you did just a minute ago. Your glow has dimmed, eyelids suddenly heavier, and your smile- if that's even what you could call it anymore- has turned timid and shy.

Was this the effect he had on you now, when not so long ago, he was the only source of your happiness?

"H-Hi." Shawn breathes out, nose stinging with warning of his tears that would inevitably fall at some point tonight. "Long time no see."

You only nod at this, lipstick-stained lips pressing together.

"Uh, you look great." Shawn compliments, eyes brightening the slightest bit. "Really great. I see you got the dress you always told me you'd wanna be married in."

"Yep. I love it." You mutter blandly as look down to your lap for a second, your left hand beginning to instinctively play with the engagement ring on your right hand. This has become a nervous habit of yours ever since the ring was given to you 9 months ago.

"That's a big rock," He chuckles, and you can tell at this point he's just trying to keep some conversation going, dancing around what he actually wants to say. "Must've cost a fortune, so I'm guessing this guy is loaded. Who is he, anyway?"

"His name is Michael." You hum, nodding your head. "He's a doctor, so yeah, he's pretty well off. That doesn't matter though."

Shawn bites the inside of his cheek and contemplates his next words. His ex's wedding day surely isn't the best day to confess his feelings, but it's been eating him alive for 2 years now. 2 years of crying himself to sleep, 2 years of writing songs about you, 2 years of misery. And god, he wants her to know how miserable he really is, but that wouldn't be fair to her.

"How's your love life going?" You suddenly ask, eyebrows raised. The question confuses him but he knows you're only trying to make banter as well.

Shawn opens his mouth but nothing comes out as he awkwardly stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"I've tried speed dating and dating apps and those sorts of things," He finally speaks up, but his next words are barely audible, you're not even sure if you hear him correctly. "It never works, though.. Because it's not you."

You bite your lip and he can see your eyes get even heavier at the shift of mood in the room. Shawn feels awkward and he feels stupid, but he continues talking, probably making things worse for himself.

"I miss you so much, Y/N. I miss coming home to you after long days in the studio and spooning with you. I miss those talks about what our wedding day would be like and what dog we'd get and what our kids would be like. I miss the way your face would light up with excitement every time you see me. Now, we're acting like strangers and it's killing me." Shawn takes a deep, shaky breath when he's finishing his words, trying to keep his tears at bay. He shuts his eyes and licks over his cracked lips, "But I also love seeing you happy. So if this is what makes you happy, you have my full support."

He doesn't open his eyes in fear of what you might do or say. He feels embarrassed that he just laid all of that on you when he told himself it was wrong- that it wouldn't be fair. But he did it anyway, and he could already feel regret seeping into his bones.

"What if I'm not?"

Your voice is shy, just a whimper on the tip of your tongue, but it's enough for him to whip his head up.

His eyes go wide and he furrows his eyebrows, "What if you're not what?"

"Happy." She sniffs, and now he can see the tears in her eyes as well.

His jaw drops and he's gaping at her, mind spinning. "Y/N, no, no, no, what do you mean? You have to be happy, right? You're marrying this guy, you have to be sure!"

"God," You chuckle bitterly, a look of disbelief on your face. "You sound like everyone else in my life. I can't do this."

That's when you start really bawling, and now, Shawn has absolutely no idea what to do with himself. He's standing in front of the bride who's hands are covering her face, completely ruining her makeup, and if someone were to walk by right now, this would not look good.

Shawn runs to shut the door and then he runs back over to you, kneeling in front of you and grabbing your hands in his. This familiar touch is what you'd missed for so long. It was strong and comforting, just like all of him.

"Y/N." Shawn says sternly, forcing your eyes up to his. "Tell me what's going on."

"He's not a good person!" Y/N immediately screams, tears streaming down her face even faster now. "All he cares about is money and his job, all I am to him is a trophy! But I have to marry him, I can't deny him because everyone in my life only wants me to marry a rich man. They don't even care about how I feel, and now I feel like I'm in hell every time I wake up in the morning and you're not next to me. I hate this, I hate him, I hate myself!"

You're pounding at Shawn's chest with every last word as you completely break down, heaving and hiccuping wildly, and Shawn swears he's never seen you so angry before.

Shawn catches your hands in his again to get you to stop and his grip is much stronger this time, making sure you don't escape him. He doesn’t know what to say or do and his mind is just trying to when you add the icing on top, your watered eyes looking straight into his.

“I miss you, Shawn, I miss you so fucking much.”

He’s been waiting to hear those words leave your lips for 2 years now, but now that he’s hearing them, he feels awful. He wanted to hear them, but not like this.

“You don’t have to do this, Y/N,” He whispers, a single tear straying down his cheek, “I’m not gonna let you go through with this if you don’t actually want it.”

“I only have 10 minutes, Shawn,” You continue to cry, burying your face in his chest, getting makeup all over his suit. “It’s too late.”

Shawn bites his lip and shakes his head, refusing to let you marry a man you despised. He glanced at the clock and got to work, quickly beginning to unzip your dress, being careful not to rip or ruin it. You only stand there and try to stifle your cries, allowing him to execute whatever plan he’d conjured up.

When the dress is off he’s folding it as carefully as he can given the time, and you’re standing there in your bra and underwear, suddenly self-conscious again. He notices your body cowering under his gaze and he wants to tell you how beautiful you are and not to hide from him but there’s no room for that right now. He grabs random clothes from somewhere in the room, probably one of the bridesmaid’s clothes. 

He helps you slip into it and his hands go to your hair, undoing some of the many pins and messing it up a bit. 

He steps back and looks at you, sighing heavily. It was a terrible disguise, but for now, it would have to work. 

Everything is going so fast you can’t even comprehend what’s happening anymore. He finds a bag somewhere in the room and stuffs the wedding dress in and then he’s grabbing your purse and your hand, rushing you out of the room. 

The banquet hall is rowdy, people all around talking and hoping to get a glimpse of the bride and groom before the ceremony begins. 

Shawn’s jaw clenches and he leans down to your ear, whispering, “Keep your head down, we’re gonna go out to my car.”

You do as he says and stare at the ground as he guides you through a sea of people, praying that nobody recognized you. The walk to the back door seems like it takes hours before you’re finally hit with the crisp, fresh air, signaling that you’d made it out.

Shawn’s rushing doesn’t stop there, however. He’s running with you to his car and telling you to get into the passenger seat as he runs around to the other side, throwing the dress in the back seat and handing your purse to you.

“Text someone and tell them what’s going on,” Shawn orders you, wasting no time in backing out of the driveway and hitting the long road back to the apartment. “Then turn off your phone. Please.”

You do as he says, texting one of your bridesmaids, then you’re shutting it off and taking a deep breath, looking over to him. “I can’t believe I actually just did that. Fuck, what did I just do?”

“Don’t worry about that right now.” Shawn insists, glancing at you for a second. You look like you could drop at any second now, completely drained of any energy. “Y/N, it’s a long drive home. You can fall asleep if you want, I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

That one fateful word slips off his tongue before he can stop himself, but instead of you wincing at the word, you smile gently at it, taking it in wholly. You nod at his promise and reach your left hand out, putting your trust in him. He gets the hint and grabs your hand, lacing your fingers in his. 

Shawn gives your hand a small squeeze and then you’re drifting off to the sound of his low singing and the hum of the engine.

A when you wake up, you’re eternally grateful that none of it was a dream. 

Shawn’s gently tapping your cheeks, trying to get you to wake up as he whispers, “Y/N, we’re here, wake up, sweetheart.”

You don’t know if you’re surprised or not when you open your eyes and notice you’re back at the apartment that you and Shawn used to own together. He helps you out of the truck and keeps your hands connected as he guides you inside the familiar, cozy building, heading straight for the elevator.

“You still live here?” You mutter, looking up to him. 

He nods, rocking back and forth on his feet. “It has a special place in my heart. Lotta memories here, you know. I couldn’t let you go completely.”

Those memories immediately come flooding back to you when he opens the door and you’re hit with a wave of sadness.

Your pictures are still hung up on the wall, serving as constant reminders of you every time he’d pass one. The apartment was exactly the same as you’d left it 2 years ago when you broke up with him, complaining that he was never home because of his music. Now it seemed like all his time was spent in these rooms, moping around and feeling miserable.

But not anymore- Not as long as he had you by his side.

The rest of that night, Shawn helps you get ready for bed, taking your makeup off, putting your hair up into a bun, giving you a bath, and dressing you in some of his way-too-big clothes to sleep in.

You’re laying on your side in the bed that you used to spend hours in. It feels familiar yet cold without Shawn’s body next to you. You don’t know what to do while you wait for him and you’re staring at your phone on the nightstand, tempted to turn it on- to see all of the slander, all of the angry and concerned messages. However, Shawn walks in, catching you staring at it, and he sighs heavily.

“Babe, please don’t think about it. You need to rest.” He mutters, climbing into the bed beside you. He pulls you into him and your body reacts to him like this is normal, like Shawn never left you. Your back is to his chest and your legs tangle together naturally as he nestles his face into your neck, pressing a light kiss there.

“I’m so glad you came back to me. This bed never felt the same after that night.” He whispers and you swear you feel a tear drop onto your skin, making you frown. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Shawn.” You sniff, a small smile replacing your frown. “I never stopped loving you, and I never will.”

-

A/N: god this is so bad sjdksj sorry

[soldierallen]

Married. 10

X

Warnings: a mention of "ending it all", some crying, a kissing, a big Decision.

Featuring: Evangeline Lilly, Robert Downey Jr, Chris Evans, Sebastian Stan, Henry Cavill. (Also my wifi has been out and I wasn't able to post :( so you will get another chapter this week!)

Part 9:

It's been two weeks since that day at my house, time flies when your life is getting miserable.

These two men have carried me through storm after storm breakup after breakup, I owe them I have to choose between them I can't just sit here and make up in the air decisions - "ms, line 2 for you" her thoughts scattering quickly answering the phone

"Creative director's office y/n speaking who am I speaking with" she said very professionally

"Why aren't you answering my calls?"

Mom. Oh shit

"Mom I could explain, I've been in a really bad situation and I don't know what to do.." she said she wanted the pity because well she didn't want to argue with her mother so why not make her feel bad about it.

"Honey what's going on are you coming to Thanksgiving in a few days?"

"I am but, I have a problem the whole sebastian henry thing is getting out of control, I don't know who to take with me and- I can't come alone you know that" she felt her sigh at the other end of the line which made y/n roll her eyes "who do you love? That's all this comes down this sweetheart."

"It's not that simple" a women walked in putting files on the table walking out,

"Oh and you're brother is actually coming this year" .. did I ever mention I had a brother? Probably not but my brother hated all of my friends which were the four men I care about the most he told me it was "stupid" and "childish" to have a group of boys as my friends and then I proceeded to tell him to fuck himself, that became a really good argument for my dad to break up.

He was the golden son, nothing he ever did was wrong never got in trouble always did the right thing went to college got married and raised his kids and he has a goody two shoes life style unlike me, I live in New York city in an apartment complex that used to live paycheck to paycheck to get through the weeks, he never had it hard.

I drive and go to work live alone and only have men as my best friends, everyone thought I was gay for a while until I was with Tom they stopped questioning me.

"Oh great is he gonna rub in my face that hes better than me? Most likely. love you mom"

"I love you to, just remember whoever you bring better be the one." they hung up, what did she mean by that? The one?. Like.. the one I marry someday.

○○○○

"Hey stop doing that" my mother yelled at my brother Steven "why does she have to bring her stupid friends over to the house?!" Her brother was angry that she was having them sleep over and he wasn't allowed to have his friends sleep over tonight

"I can't have a group of 7 boys plus my son in the mix, she has four friends that are boys you have four friends that are boys you have to live with it!" She said "shes a GIRL, girls aren't suppose to have friends that are BOYS!" he was only two years older than y/n at the time which made him 15 & her and her friends 13

"Girls could be friends with boys!" She said

"No they can't they're only friends with you because they want to get in your pants!"

"Steven Michael Y/L/N go to your room you're grounded" he stomped his feet into the ground going up the stairs saying swearing words underneath his breath

"do you think that's true.." she sat at the bar stool waiting for her friends to arrive she was kinda weirded out and never thought about it like that.

"Honey, I don't think that I think your brother is jealous that you have better brothers than he'll ever be to you" she whispered.

○○○○

She sat at her desk trying to figure out who she was going to bring.

"God just give me a sign or a billboard or a brick though this glass window"

A knock on her door startled her she got up, a warm smile greeted her it was sebastian "hey, I'm having a party tomorrow and you should come.." he smiled "a party?" She left from behind her desk coming closer to him

"Yes the new house and everything so you should come" he said "did you come all the way from the other side of town to tell me you wanted me at your party?" She laughed

"Yeah kinda" he nervously laughed and she put her hand on his shoulder "I'll be there" "good I want you there and everybody else."

Was this faith trying to tell me something, when I asked for answers I got sebastian at the door was this it..

I told myself I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't even want to try and than he shows up my heart beats fast and my stomach twists

"I'll see you tomorrow at 8?" She nodded "hey where are you going?" "Back to work?" "that's a 24 minute drive from here"

"I know" he smiled sleepily and fixed his suit jacket "tomorrow" he pointed at her walking away she shook her head with a smile at his tactics, he was becoming his self again, it was enlightening.

Just then she felt the whole office tense up not really sure why she walked out into the hall watching everyone shift the once talking and joking in the office became...quiet only the noises of mouse clicks and keyboard taps in the air she was very confused at this point, she walked around the office looking for answers she saw her coworker Evangelina "hey what's going on" she whispered "something's going on in Robert's office I think you should...handle it" Evangelina was blunt & she liked that about her, y/n nodded her head and headed towards Downey's office hearing absolute ruckus she knocked on the door no answer, she knocked one more time.. nothing she knocked again and with a word "mr Downey it's me I'm coming in" when she walked in papers everywhere, a whiskey glass shattered into millions of pieces.

"Mr Downey what's going on"

"We lost the investment" he yelled, she never heard him yell like that and not at her at least, "huh?"

"You know that company stock we did last week? Mr Daddario told us to specifically not to do!" She nodded her head "well was lost it and y/n if it wasn't for you this wouldn't of happened!" He yelled "excuse me?" She was baffled, why would he blame this on her she only fixed the designs and had nothing to do with the money or any other way this place operates.

"You told me not to fire you the day he called and I should've" his words felt like slashes to the back "I lost one of the biggest- most important people to this company on a count of you! Because you were having trouble with the bosses daugther"

"All I asked for was for you not to fire me on a count of his daugther!, mr Downey I've never asked for this and for you to hang this over my head that you did me a favor" He rubbed his face in complete anger he put back on his glasses and folded his arms over his chest leaning against his desk

"I want you gone by tomorrow"

Her heart dropped, her hands started to shake and she felt her breathing hitch

"I want you gone by tomorrow you're fired, that pretty little office of yours will go to someone who actually deserves it." She didn't even know what to say or how to resolve this.

"Well I don't work for you anymore so this was long awaited, you are a TOOL ROBERT! You do nothing for this company you sit on your ass and make everyone do the work for you, you're ungrateful and deserve nothing lets see how good you do without me." And with that she left the whole office and down stairs office heard the entire thing, "Evangelina" she said she threw her creative director badge around her neck she caught it "have fun working with that lunatic." She went inside of her office grabbing a couple things, she opened her top draw with the key and there was two letters she never wanted to open because she was too content with the life she had,

The Times, had contacted her back when she applied months ago and she was so content she didn't open the letter that came only a week ago.

People's Maginze as well, the only problem with people's was she would have to move across country for that she didn't know if she could handle that

she came home and took a bath her eyes swollen from crying she never knew what to do with her anger she just got so mad she would cry.

She heard the door being unlocked and she drank her wine in the bath "whoever it is can you get me my towel from in my room because honestly I wasn't expecting any guests!" She yelled out, she heard a small chuckle and paper bags fall onto the table "you know any other person would've been startled that someone could walk in at any moment" "well if it wasn't you or Henry or Sebastian or Anthony, I guess I would be dead" she drank her wine and Chris walked in with a blue long towel she put down her glass she motioned for him to turn around and that he did and she got out wrapping herself in a towel she drained the water

"Jenn will be here soon" he announced

"I got fired today"

He whipped around "you're kidding?" Chris said he gave her a comforting hug and let go

"Nope," she sipped her drink "Downey fired me on a count of the daddarios just like I said" she walked out the bathroom him following her right behind "that imbecil, I always hated that guy he's always been too big for his britches" Chris was never one to get mad unless he saw the people he cared about hurt, "I told you what was going to happen what am I gonna do now!" she opened her draws as

"You still have that Times Letter, open it." He said

"What if I get REJECTED I can't handle that OH AND EVEN BETTER Steven is coming to Thanksgiving!"

Chris sat on her door frame he opened his mouth to talk when she cut him off

" I have to choose between Henry and sebastian! I don't want to END IT ALL today!" She grabbed underwear and just when Chris was about to talk again she cut him off one more time

"AND TO THINK THINGS WERE JUST GETTING BETTER AND AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS" she used her hands to talk waving her underwear all around making Chris laugh he stopped her failing arms "stop throwing your underwear all over the place and get dressed come in the living room & let's work this out." She laughed with a smile "thank you for being here for me" "always" he booped her nose which made her laugh instantly, An hour had passed the three hung out drank and they went home.

--

It was the night of sebastian's party, she didn't know how to dress for it so she did what any women would do wear a dress there's no going wrong with wearing a dress...

"I'm glad you made it" sebastian smiled kissing her cheek giving her butterflies, he felt them to, but this time y/n butterflies didn't feel the same like they always have when he did small things like that it felt - wrong.

"Anything for you" he held her hand inside his house filled with a crowd of people he introduced her to some coworkers and a few of his friends, and he lead her outside she looked out into his backyard it looked almost exactly like his parents backyard the pool was shaped the same and his pool floaties were of weird things like a unicorn and a banana it was strange.

Two lawn chairs sat out by the pool it was dark, the moon was just perfectly bright the pool was warm and it just seemed... perfect

"What are we doing out here" she asked moving her hair out of her eyes "this is something you've never seen before I made this backyard look like my parents backyard, this is the place I always come to in my head when I need a moment, I know things for you aren't so great" they sat down on the grass,and she picked at the grown slightly listening to him talk

"But I want you to know this is a safe place, no arguing fighting or anything if you ever need some place to go this is the backyard you lost your virginity in" he smirked "you caught me?" She didn't even know he knew about that

"Of course I caught you, one minute your nagging me about smoking and drinking - which after that night I stopped for three years" he tipped his head to her and she smiled showing off her teeth which made him smile "to the next minute I come back in my backyard to see you having sex with some guy"

"Charlie watts" she added

"The kid who dressed up like harry potter that night?" She nodded her head drinking the sour red liquid in her cup, "I can't beileve you lost it to him" "what did you want me to lose it to you? You aren't interested and you made that very clear" she put the cup down "I would've wanted it to be one of the four" she was very confused "all of us love you, having you lose it to someone who really loves and cares about you would've made it that much better"

"So did you all think that way?" "No I was the only one who said it" Sebastian said "Well I never told anyone and he didn't either but I lost my lip virginity to Chris actually" she laughed "you're kidding" he laughed loudly, it was just the two of them in that moment nobody inside that house music was loud but it wasn't loud enough for her to notice.

"Oh I can't wait to bug him about that!"

"I promised I wouldn't tell!" "Well you told!" Sebastian saw y/n's phone on the lawn chair next to her car keys and the only thought in his mind... push her in the pool

"How much you like that dress you're wearing?" He asked, she wasn't waiting for that at all

"it's nice I guess I didn't know how to dress to this thing I mean honestly I didn't even think I would've came because of whole getting fired -" as she spoke she wasn't realizing what was happening as sebastian pushed her into the pool she fell in with a laugh "you know you were always a little bitch" she said wiping her eyes and pushing her hair out of face "yeah people have told me that" he peeled his shirt off his body and took his shoes off and jumped in to making the water splash on her "couldn't you just ASK me to get in the pool you know I would've" she swam closer to him he pushed his hair back his lips dripping with water as he spoke "y/n I want you to have fun, you never have fun anymore it's always work, it never got you anywhere I want you to feel something" he got closer to her as well "what am I suppose to feel" she asked

"happiness, love. that's what you deserve" his face got closer to hers, she was ready for this to be the first time her lips were on his, his wet face dripped onto her skin "if you don't want this stop me."

In a slow whisper "I want this"she said their lips touched together so lightly it felt like heaven to him his hands were on her hips she was leaned against the wall of pool, it felt as if their lips matched a perfect rhythm, finally

He detached his lips from hers, his lips on her neck making a small red blotch this was what she waited for, and it felt... Wrong, like she had been betraying henry. her hand on his skin felt so new to him he'd never felt like this before it was so amazing finally after months having her in his arms kissing her loving her the way she should be loved.

She didn't love him, she loved Henry. The kiss didn't really feel the way she wanted it to be.

Sebastian heard the glass door opening, she didn't, he didn't really care who it was to be completely honest he's got the girl.

"I see you two have forgiven each other, I thought it was take some time but a week?" The voice she knew all too well, a voice she heard for months on end giving her support sounded so hurt and upset, she knew she fucked up.

"Henry" she pulled away from sebastian, Henry is right here, he looked like he was getting choked up she saw it in his eyes she tried to quickly get herself out of the pool and he turned around walking back to the glass doors, "Henry wait" she yelled her soaking wet body following him

he knew she wasn't going to pick him Chris and Jenn gave him false hope again, he thought he could catch sebastian in the act kissing another women and to start something when he got a bit closer revealing it was her this whole time, he was crushed.

She kept yelling after him he wouldn't answer he wasn't mad or angry he was trying to hold back his hurt.

she followed him onto the porch "Henry" after her fourth yell of his name he turned around, the sound of party loud she closed the door behind her hearing muffled noise. "you love him, you'll never love me the way you love him and I just have to except it and all these months I finally thought shes done with him and this is my chance i got the girl" he said he stopped half way looking at her dripping everywhere she walked down the stairs

"Yeah however I needed to know what i wanted, who I wanted."

"And you've made your choice I get it." he opened the door to his car about to get in

"I did, henry it's you." He stopped his movements looking at her through the window of the door he shut the door loudly walking closer to her, as she looked at him getting closer

"Don't say things like that when am in a time of hurt, I'm losing you - you can't just say things like that I care about you and I put you before everyone else." His voice was slow and sounded so hurt

"tonight I made my decision, Henry since this whole time I thought it's always been him I never truly loved him and now I know I needed this one night of reassurance that it was over, and I love someone else it's you it's always been you" he hesitated what he was about to do watching him kiss her he didn't feel right kissing her however it was something that had to be done he pulled in her soaking wet body into his, his white t shirt making an imprint of her body, she kissed him with so much passion she thought she would explode,

Sebastian said he wants her to feel happiness, love. she didn't feel that with him, she didnt feel anything with him it was so anticlimactic she thought this will be my choice I'll be with Sebastian like I've always wanted he will be with me and we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together when in reality.. the fire was dead and the feeling was lost maybe he felt something she didn't not anymore.

"Let's get you out of these clothes" he said out of breath, "my phone and keys are at the pool" he nodded "hurry" he pulled her forearm towards himself giving her one more kiss She had a few seconds to herself and shes never been more happy.

She saw sebastian drying himself off talking to some friends of his, it didn't even faze her she didn't want him anymore "hey" he said pulling her to the side for a second, "I heard everything" she nodded her head "you guys look great together I'm really sorry that I almost ruined it for you both" she hugged him "thank you" he squeezed her body tightly "go get him" he let go of her, he didn't want to let go of her and let her end up with Henry however she was happy and it's what she wanted that's all he wanted for her. She went and got her keys her phone

she looked at Henry through the driver's seat window opening the door he was just sitting there, he gave a small smile when she appeared "hey what's wrong" she rubbed his arm with worried eyes

"Nothing, not anymore." he kissed her lips once more she felt her stomach twist "I'll follow you home" he nodded, after a while they got to her apartment and she changed and gave Henry his blue hoodie he left here a few days ago she straddled his lap her hands on his shoulders his hands on her waist studying her weight he kissed her lovingly her hands ran through his hair and he loved the feeling he let out small moan which she wasn't expecting and she let go "you have a hair thing"

"I have a y/n thing" she laughed so hard she fell over to the side, he's so cheesy she thought. making him smile holding her body in place so she doesn't fall off the couch,

he's a one of a kind.

Tagged @hiddlestonstansworld @lovely-geek @imcalledflorence @misz-adrii @escapistdreamer-wishfulthinker @someplxce @cuddlesforlashton @coffeebooksandfandomsohmy @weasley16 @ilovethewayyourheartbeats @vogueworthy-barnes @xeniarocks @thisismysecrethappyplace @racheo91 @gravedollie666 @inlovewith3 // if anyone wants to be untagged or tagged please leave a message ty♡ also I do not own any gifs or images of any kind.

[igotshinee21]

Dear Jonghyun,

A year. That's what it's been. I still can't believe it. You have everyone around the world missing you and crying and praying that you're ok. It seems like just yesterday I was 5 sitting in front of the TV in my grandmother's house watching SHINee's debut stage. All I could focus on was you. It took my grandmother having to pull the Korean news channel up on her computer for me to go eat breakfast and get ready for the day.

I couldn't stop watching you. I knew you were singing for your Noona but I. I felt like you were singing for me. You were smiling but looked so focused on the dance that you just radiated 'LOOK AT ME IM THE BLING!' and I just remember asking my grandma who you were and she reads the Hangul going across tbe screen and says 'Kim Jonghyun' and that's when I fell in love.

That whole day I went through Kindergarten class singing Replay and all the kids around me called me names cause they spoke English they didn't understand who you were or how powerful you were. You made a 5 year old have standards for guys that I shouldn't have had.

I went home that day still humming it and went inside. I went on the computer and just searched you and then I saw you. The next few years went by. I fell more in love with you by the day. But after you debuted and became my center the worse took place.

My step dad the person who I was to go to for comfort and feel protected by began to abuse me. Every night I would lay in bed crying and wondering why a now 6 year old had to go through this. I started sobbing and the only thing that calmed me down was you. The smile that your face brought and the twinkle your eyes shown. I laid in bed everynight thinking of you begging you to come get me from the life I was living.

The abuse got worse. I was 7 with depression and having to steal my mom's makeup to cover up bruises. That's when I started having panic attacks and hyperventilating. The one night I couldn't breathe and had to go to the hospital but the doctor asked me if I had a way to calm down and I said yes. Music. And more specifically SHINee, you. He played like 3 of your songs and watched as I went from on the brink of passing out to dancing to replay.

He told me that it was because of you I was breathing and hadn't died of oxygen lack. So I left happy. But the abuse didn't let up. If anything it got worse. He used you guys against me, told me I was getting punished cause you guys saw me as a disappointment. But I knew it was a lie. You guys brought a smile to my face every time I thought of you. But when I turned 10, that's when I turned to you for the late nights in the bathroom. When the only relief was self harm. After a while of sitting there you talked me into putting the blade down and cleaning up and that I could make it cause your voice gave me hope it gave me a safe place. Weeks later I was in the same spot though. Except this time I wanted to end my life. I sat there crying and didn't move. No one was home. But my iPod started playing randomly and the first thing I hear is you. Your voice came through the headphones clear as day. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor feeling like I was gonna be okay because I felt like you weren't gonna let anything happen to me. But of course he had other plans. He took most of my innocence and told me if I told a soul I'd get in so much trouble. So I kept my mouth shut. Now 2014 comes and I'm turning 11. I'm in the 6th grade and it's November. Thanksgiving time. next week and a half is hell for me. my grandma dies and you know who helps me cope??? You.. you let me cry myself to sleep thinking I was gonna be okay.

YOU WERE MY HOPE

YOU WERE MY SAVIOR

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAVED ME

But of course let's rewind some of 2014. You became 'Blue Night's radio host and every day it never failed I'd listen. Even though I didnt understand much your voice got me through the everyday life.

Now 2015. By this time I had tried ending my life a total of 4 times. I self harmed more than what I wish I did and I became so wrapped up with my pain and the fear of people seeing me weak I was diagnosed with Smiling depression. The same thing you had. But you held me through all the pain and suffering. My mom leaves my step dad. And actually right now in 2018 shes in the process of divorcing him.

We move down south from New York to Georgia (USA). I was afraid of people making fun of me that I barley listened to kpop. I was so absorbed with not getting put an outcast I almost lost you. But you still were there. The nights I cried. The nights I have like tonight where i just hurt and don't know how to fix it.

2016 rolls around and I lose it! You release you're she is album on my birthday and I felt like the luckiest girl ever. I called my grandma and told her how you wrote she is for me. And yes at the age 13 i swore we were soul mates. I had ever since I was 5 so why stop?

And then 2017... I lost sight of you. I barley kept in touch with what SHINee and you were doing. I knew you stopped hosting. And y'all dropped a Japanese song (GET THE TREASURE IS A BOP! But so is every SHINee song) i was so focused with school and sports I lost sight of you. Then I moved to where I am now. And face more shit. I was sexually harrased the first 3 months I moved here, I stared self harming again and pulled all nigher just so I wouldn't have nightmares. Then December 18th comes. I wake up to my friend blowing up my emails and feed with the news. I was lost deviated shocked numb. I couldnt feel anything. You were my everything. My rock. The reason I kept fighting. And I couldn't help you from the thing you helped me from.

I didn't do anything for the next two weeks. I was of course numb. I did the bareminimun. I barley ate. I didn't sleep. Then I cried non stop in my room. I couldn't let everyone know I was hurting. My family didn't even think there was something wrong with me cause I hid the pain so well. I mean I became so good at looking okay people just assumed I had the best of everything.

January 1st came and I didnt want to do this. I didn't want anymore tomorrows. But as I sat in my room crying over you I heard it. The same thing I heard every time I cried like that. You told me id be okay and that you'd always be there. Then for some reason I couldn't stop wanting to see you. Every SHINee video I watched. Every video of you I watched.

I haven't read your letter or watched the funeral. I refuse. I guess I'm afraid it'll make it like official official that you're gone and that I have no choice but to say goodbye. But I don't wanna say goodbye you became my reason for fighting. The reason I rolled out of bed. The hope that life was gonna get better

I wish I could have helped you. I'm so sorry. I just hope you're okay and happy and not hurting.

You did well bling bling. I'll post more later today. It's just gonna be my favorite moments of you. You and SHINee. Always and forever.

I hope the words I could never say reach you. 'THANK YOU'

(just some people on insta paying tribute)

[gamegrumpiess]

Sleepwalk

I was listening to Sleepwalk by Renee Olstead, and I had this idea.

Grump: Danny (from now on, most will be Danny. Unless you request someone else, which I will be happy to do!)

Btw! I'm this plot, Renee didn't write the lyrics. You did! She isn't even a singer in this universe. Just a heads up.

-

Y/n's POV

I can't sleep tonight. It's been a month since me and Danny broke up, but I can't help but still mourn our relationship. It was mutual, at least that's what he thinks. I would've never called it off. I was so in love with him. I still am. We told the fans, and they were pretty supportive in what we did. A lot of them were really sad, as was I. Danny is a singer just like me. I do silly songs just like him. But he encouraged me to do a cover album or a cover song. I did one album, Cover Me Up was the name. It got a lot of love, which I am very proud of.

I turn on my phone to check the time. 4:23 am. The bold numbers shine at me in front of Danny's face. I couldn't bring it to myself to change my screensaver. It's not like anyone's gonna see. I miss him a lot, every night gets harder than the last. He was my world. I've known him since senior year of high school, he was a huge part of my life. And now... That's no more. He's probably living his best life. Being Danny Sexbang and all. He probably has girls flying at his feet, throwing him their panties and offering 'the night of his life'. I understand I might be over thinking, but I can't help it. He was mine, and now he's out there doing who knows what. I let a few stray tears fall down ontou pillow. It's so lonely here at night now. I love what I do, singing, dancing, having fun. It was just so much more amazing when I had someone to share it with.

I lay my head back a stare at the ceiling. I need to distract myself, so I reach for my headphones and plug them in, looking for my Oldies playlist. I click on it and the song that comes on is Sleepwalk by Santo and Johnny. Listening to the slow beat and light guitar, I cry even more. Just my luck, huh? I can't just lay here, I really should get up and something. Writing usually helps me calm down. That's when I get an idea for a song, it's a bit sad and people will know exactly who its about. But maybe that's what needs to happen. My feelings should be out there. And if something goes wrong, I'll accept the outcomes.

I pull up my pen and notebook and just start writing.

"Sleepwalk, instead of dreamin' I

Sleepwalk.

Cause' I lost you and now, what am I to do?

Can't believe that we're through.

Sleep talk. Cause' I miss you, I sleep talk.

While the memories of you wither like a soul.

Darling I was so low.

The night fills me with blame. I see your face, tears through my brain.

I know I miss you so. I still love you, drives me insane.

Sleepwalk. Every night I just sleepwalk. Please come back, and when you walk inside the door, I will sleepwalk no more."

I immediately went to my computer set up and staring out my own little version of Sleepwalk. More of like a piano and violin cover, rather than guitar and drum. Once I had it to where I wanted the beat and rhythm, I pulled up my microphone and started singing away.

Danny's POV

This morning was the worst. I couldn't sleep at all, I've been up since 3:30 am. I guess I haven't really gotten used to sleeping by myself. Without y/n's body near mine, it's hard to even get tired. I do miss her. A lot actually. I know it was my idea to call off the relationship, but I was scared of what would happen if I didn't have enough time for her. I have game grumps, starbomb, and ninja sex party. She deserves someone who has all the time in the world to give her all the attention she deserves. When we told the fans, I didn't expect them to be so sad. I even lost a handful of fans because of it. She agreed, but I knew her better. She was on the verge of tears when she left. She was trying to be strong so I wouldn't see that side of her, but I know better than that. When she left I broke down. Gripped and clawed at my hair, cried on the edge of the bed, wondering if I had made the right choice. I big-huge part of me was telling myself I didn't.

My phone buzzes, and I see its a text from Arin.

When you get here I need to show you something.

Oh what fresh hell does he have to subject my eyes to. Last time he said that, I had to watch 12 Days Of Elves... Don't ask.

I finally arrived at the Grump Space. I see everyone in their usual area. Ryan and Matt at the computers, Ross and Barry in the kitchen making coffee, and the only other people here this early is Arin and me. Everyone else usually is a little late. "Thank god you're finally here. You haven't felt your phone buzzing?" I give him a confused look. "Other than you texting me, no. You know I have notifications turned off for my social media. What's going on?" He turns on the computer in front of us. "You should hear this before anything. I promise you, it's important." I roll my eyes. "This better not be some stupid shit, Arin!" I say with a light laugh. He shook his head, and I knew from the look in his eyes that this was in fact important.

Once the computer was fully on, he went to YouTube. Looking up y/n's name, I felt my stomach turn. Did she have a new boyfriend? Was she sick? Did she die?! I understand that last one is a bit of a long shot, but I tend to over think a lot.

A video was uploaded at 7:00 am this morning? "' sleepwalk? ' isn't that an old song?" I say confused. But I'm not all that surprised. She always did love the oldies. He nods his head. "She added her own lyrics and tune to it. And I think you should hear it." I nodded and put on some earphones, pushing play on the video. Her voices comes on, and it feels so amazing to hear her voice again. Even if it is just an intro in a YouTube video.

"Hello everyone. I had this idea for a song at like 3 in the morning. I couldn't sleep, so I made this. I hope you like it..."

The video fades to black and then it shows her at her little office space she has in her room. The music starts up, and at this point I notice her eyes. They're a little red and slightly puffy. She did a good job covering it up, but I've known her since senior year. She can't hide that from me.

She sings softly yet with so much passion and emotion. The lyrics sink in, and I know why Arin wanted to hear this. Its about me. I scroll down to look at the description and comments, and they all say things along the lines of 'I fucken sad now.' 'Wow, Danny really did a number on her' 'DANNY YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS SHIT!' 'This makes me so sad because she literally couldn't sleep thinking about him... Danny get your girl back!' 'Damn that made me tear up... '

After the video ended, I look at my phone. Y/n's face still smiles at me from behind the screen. I didn't want to change it, I couldn't do it. I felt several tears hit my leg, I didn't even realize i was crying. "Hey Dan, are you okay?" Arin puts his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "No... I'm not at all." I open up Twitter and see thousands of notifications to nsp and game grumps. All of which telling me to see what I just saw. I stood up slowly, feeling a little disappointed in myself. How could I let her walk out of my life so easily...?

Y/n's POV

After I posted the video, I decided I should really try to get some sleep. Especially since thousands of people will blow up my phone later on. Once in bed again, I tried to think of all the possibilities and outcomes of this. It could either go really well, or go really horribly bad. I guess we'll just have to see.

I wake up several hours later to my phone ringing. The sky is still a little bright to I assume it's not that late. 'Suzy <3' shines up at me. I smile, me and her always stayed quite close. "Hello?" I try to run the sleep out of my eyes. "Hey, are feeling okay? I heard your song, and I know it's about Dan. How are you, hun?"

It means a lot that she's not just calling about GET HIM BACK! She just wants to know if I'm okay. "Honestly? I feel so empty. Luckily today is just a lazy day so I don't have to adult today. But still.... I feel lost." I hear her sigh, "I know, y/n. It sucks. But you have me! And I'm way better than Danny!" She says jokingly. "Damn right you are! I'll call you a bit later when I'm more awake, okay?" We say our goodbyes and I sit up more in bed. I take a quick look at my notification bar and just as I expected, its blowin up. 'When will I stop being a pussy?' My thoughts we're interrupted by several rings of my doorbell.

Without looking through the peephole I open the door, only to see a certain curly haired man standing on my doorstep. "Danny? What are you doing here?" His eyes are glazed over and puffy as if he had just finished crying. He looked down. "I.... I heard your song. Was it... Was it about me? I'm sorry, I just need to know. I couldn't focus at all today during work. And on my way home, I just couldn't take it anymore. I have to know." My anxiety goes up a long shot. My eyes looking at everyone but him. "Y/n... I need to know." I slowly nod my head, still avoiding his eyes. "May I come in? I think we should talk.." I scoot to the side to let him in. "I'm sorry if I caused a lot of drama. I just thought... It would be better if I just made it into a song rather than.. Just telling you." I confessed. He grabbed my shoulders. "Don't be sorry, y/n. When we broke up, and you left. I broke down. I couldn't handle the fact that I just let you go.. I'm sorry."

"Then why did you do it? Why wait so fucking long to come to my house?! Why hurt me this bad, leaving me all alone when all I wanted was you! I hated knowing that YOU let me just walk out. And you looked like you... Like you didn't even give a shit..." I couldn't help it. I let all my emotions explode on him. "Why do you think I did?! Y/n, you deserve someone who has the time for you, who will give you all the attention in the world. Someone who will GIVE you the world! I want nothing more than to have you back again, but you don't deserve someone like me! I love with all my soul, hell, I'd give up everything for your dumbass! I didn't say anything till now because I thought you'd be mad, and I thought you'd moved on, hated me even!" He was standing pretty close to me by now. "Well no shit I'd be mad! You think I don't deserve you? Bullshit! You've already given me the world and more! Don't think that I don't understand about your job because I do the same fucking thing!!! I know it's hard, but I was willing to work even harder because I love you more than life itself! I deserve you just like you deserve me!" He rolled his eyes. "You're fucking gorgeous! You can have any man you want! What the hell is so special about me?" I got in his face once again, "because you are so much better than any other man I've met! We've known each other for YEARS and you think I'd just give all that up?! What kinda drugs are you on, Dan? Do you think I'm that fucken dumb? I haven't slept in weeks because it feels so horrible not having you next to me. That's some bullshit to say that I can have any man I want. I want YOU, dipshit!" I couldn't help it, I fell to my knees, shaking from trying to hold back tears. How he say that I didn't deserve him? He was my world, he still is my world. Nothing will change that.

He walks to me, and sits on the floor with me. I feel his arms wrap around me, and I lean into his chest. "I'm sorry.. I loved you more than anything. I still do. Can you please give me another chance..? Now, I won't ever think you don't deserve me. I won't think anything like that. You mean the world to me, y/n. Please don't forget that." I look up at him, seeing his eyes filled with new tears. "Well duh, how can i say no to this face?" I grab his cheeks and smush them together and laugh. "I love you too, Danny." He smiled and leaned in and gave me a much needed kiss.

[penguinrecovery96]

*trigger warning* BPD SEVERELY FUCKED ME OVER TODAY!!!!

I didn't sleep at all last night. I actually feel like I have been awake for days. Most of it was anxiety surrounding my appointment with N because of how shit I have been. I was just properly up from about 6am also struggling with acid reflux (is this a common thing in eating disorders????)

I ended up self harming. I tried to distract myself with puzzles and also by watching two points of lager on iPlayer. It helped a little. N turned up at 11:06 when I thought it was 11:30 so she massively caught me off guard and I didn't know what was going to happen. My arm was still bleeding. I hadn't prepared so I massively failed at lying to her. Today's appointment should have gone somewhat simply. We would have discussed the potential of getting a job and then just the usual stuff. Instead things escalated to discussions about family dynamics, death and trauma. I also had to discuss the fact that these intrusive images are coming back and how it effected me over new year's. You can guess that all of this lead to me completely disconnecting and getting a very difficult image/flashback.

I made the decision because of my arm to talk about self harm. She left that in my hands. This escalated to conversations surrounding risk (conjoined with everything). This is where things get bad and I know it should have been fucking simple but just know that my bpd took me and everyone around me for a fucking ride today. I'm in no dissilusion that I was in the wrong. N got me an assessment with this crisis place and I freaked out during it. It's a big step. It's like a mini admission. I then started completely pushing everything back and N was not happy with me. She called bullshit on what I was saying and suggesting we do. She told me straight what would happen but my fear levels were beyond 100. I know I've put her in an awful position. And I am so incredibly grateful for this woman and the support that she gives me. She does care. Many haven't. Well anyway she stopped responding to me and said she would call me on Monday and walked out of my house closing the door between us.

My little bpd brain freaked the fuck out and I thought abandonment and also knew I had fucked things up, should have gone ahead with the all the things we spoke about, and also I was terrified about the prospect of the weekend and how I was meant to deal with it. How was I going to cope when I had pushed away my one support network. How was I going to cope with all this emotion and turmoil.

Thankfully I managed to text with N straight after. She was just trying to reassure me to stick with it. I told her I was sorry and explained that I am just scared. I had to tell her that in the midst of the build up of stress I had overdosed ( but I had purged so I knew I would be okay). N called an ambulance. I didn't want her to because I find being at a&e really difficult. The paramedics were lovely thankfully. Both female. I tend to get all male crews. We ended up talking about toy story and Disney mostly.

At a&e I had all the one done, 2x blood tests and an ECG. There is a receptionist there and she barged in and was like "what's going on!" I literally love her she is so freaking lovely and supportive and genuine. She stayed with me as much as possible. I always feel like I let her down when I am there. Someone else I feel this way to is a mental health nurse called Barry. He is so down to earth and will have a laugh but also tell you as it is. I kinda died a little inside when I saw him cause I had only seen him on Sunday. he got me to ring Nicola to ring him so I had to do that. I was so anxious at first but N seemed to be just like she always is. She just doesn't want me locked in a cycle. I don't want that either but it's difficult to see anything but a major crisis on the horizon and I feel unable to manage or sustain anything. She said the meds I had requested wouldn't be given to me because of the overdose. I don't know if they were going to give me sleeping pills too (probs not if I'm honest). We briefly discussed HTT but said I would discuss it with MHLT later on.

I met some lovely nurses who told me their stories and listened to mine. Made me laugh when I wanted to cry and I am genuinely so grateful for them tonight!

I was put in a room in one of those hospital nighties so I was convinced that I wasn't going anywhere tonight. I was then transferred somewhere else in a&e and pretty much left. I had been fighting the anxiety but I couldn't handle everything and I ended up self harming for about 15/20 mins before someone noticed my door was shut. I was then restrained by about 6-8 people. The lead consultant actually told a load of them to go. I managed to still cut with them on me. They started bandaging my arm so I couldn't get to it and then also trying to get the blade from my hand which took 3 people. They got it. They started saying they would read my notes and that if I didn't calm down they would have to give me a sedative ( I know they probably would have chosen haleperidol which does fuck all to me). There was one nurse in that room who he just held my hands and squose them. He told me that I was alright and everything would be alright. He cleaned my hands and then he held them more. He just made me feel safe. He tried to make me smile and he would keep bobbing in to see me as I had been moved to a more "observable bay". I don't think that it was really but ok.

I saw someone else from mhlt, not gonna lie I wish it had been Barry but oh well. She was alright but it was more matter of fact at first, not about what had it was happening but the coming days. I have to see HTT tomorrow. I have an appointment with them which does scare me because things went so badly before with them but N and Barry both wanted me to access it and so I agreed. I know that I will be seeing N and HTT on Monday most likely for a joint session. Fuck that's gonna be balls!!! I don't have any meds until Sunday probably because I've ran out of meds and they probably won't supply me with anything until Sunday or even next week. I want to see Maddie or Liz who I saw last time but I don't know if they still work there. I don't know why I particularly want to see them when shit went so badly once my care was in their hands. I am trying to be positive about it all. I know risks are increasing and at the first sign it isn't working I'm opting out because I cannot have a repeat of the summer.

I am so glad that they let me go home. Unfortunately I was not allowed to do that fully independently because the hospital paid for a taxi but they made sure I got home safe and it was free so.

I don't know how I would have coped with being in overnight. I did fear after the self harming at the hospital after overdosing and self harming that I was going to be sectioned or at least put on a 5(2). Thank fuck I bypassed that one. Had stitches and steri strips and patched up. Blood work normal. I'm not sure what the ECG results were. I'm just glad it's over.

...oh and I got a new diagnosis or anaemia which shocked me so much!

Like I said I have no cardiology knowledge so I don't know if that is abnormal or not