#guess I'll go cry some more
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I love how, from Sand's perspective, Ray's behavior is getting more and more context. Sand just learned last episode about Ray's mom's alcoholism. He also learned that Ray blames himself for her depression. And now this episode, Sand watches him blow up at everyone and sabotage himself in the process...immediately followed by Ray attempting to drive off drunk.
It's frustrating because as viewers, we know that Ray's crush on Mew has a lot to do with how he views himself and his dependency issues. Of course, Ray won't admit to this, but I think Sand will slowly piece this together. He saw the way Ray spiraled at the end of this episode, and I think he was one of the only people who saw it for what it was: not simply an asshole ripping on his friends, but a broken guy in desperate need of help. Lashing out was one of Ray's only ways of expelling all the pent-up anger and sadness inside.
#guess I'll go cry some more#only friends the series#ofts#not excusing Ray's behavior but I do think it has much less to do with his friends and much more to do with Ray's own issues#only friends#sandray#raysand#sanray#raysan#sand x ray#ray x sand#san x ray#ray x san#firstkhaotung#first kanaphan#Khaotung thanawat#only friends episode 6
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I am spiraling lol. Medical racism is such a killer tbh. Black people in rural southern areas deserve compensation for the options we have to deal with I swear😭
The only psychiatrist they have available is so evil and manipulative ( she's literally laughed about a patient who was in a crisis and wanting to kill themselves with a nurse- how I know this? She sometimes keeps the door wide open during sessions bc of this) and other darker instances as well but I cant get into allat rn🫠
The only counselor they have available spends the entire time talking about himself, his messy divorce, and "the crime in this area- Im scared to walk alone sometimes." which is super weird bc shit don't happen around here like that...
Cant even get a call back from the doctor to see about this lump on my body..... And yet these white doctors and nurses get newspaper headlines for traveling to and "making such an impact and difference in one of the poorest counties in IL."
Such. A. Fuckin.Killer.
#im so overwhelmed..#im so heartbroken#guess I'll just die then#anyway gonna go cry some more and nap#personal
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genuinely didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 22 so now I'm looking around like..... Now What
#diary#um. sad rant i guess dont read if you're not in the headspace to take in negativity#i dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crying all the time and I'm always tired no matter how much i sleep and i love my family bu#sometimes i wish i just lived alone and didn't talk to anyone. i hate talking about my problems i hate everything about it#i dont want to be here. but i dont know where to go or how to move forward. i want to live but i dont really have that option#i feel so stuck right now.#i would say more but it would get sad really fast so I'll write it down maybe. or listen to some sad music and cry it out#genuinely thought about running away to like. Switzerland earlier. like i was looking up flights and everything#how fucking sad does someone have to be to contemplate that.
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you ever miss your comfort character so bad you gotta go outside about it
#idk i've been pretty stressed that's probably why i randomly got rly sad abt it#and by it i mean the uh. gestures vaguely at fandom i guess#either nobody's there or it feels like i'm not exactly welcome. or both! which tough shit i'mma take up the space regardless but like#this weird sense of elitism I get in a space that's built by and nurtured by people whose MO is 'caring a lot' is.. hm.. interesting#idk just got reminded this morning that some people view critique as a free pass to drag a creator through the mud#when what you SHOULD be doing is uplifting them so that they can improve and reach their maximum potential. you clown. you absolute buffoon#it wasn't targeted at me or anything it just made me so angry/sad. smad. i'm smad about it#i just get hit with a wave of what's the point. what's the fucking point nobody cares abt things made with passion for the love of the game#we don't have time/it's not good enough/it doesn't matter/it's been done better/why x when we have y#and you know what fair enough everyone's entitled to their own emotional responses of course.#if you think your opinion is reason enough to tear it down then we're gonna have to agree to disagree on that one i think#just keep in mind that you could have loved what they made. other people could have loved it. it could have changed something for someone.#i personally know artists and have worked with artists who have put so so much effort into making something work over and over and over#only to have no audience and get back up saying guys let's give this just one more try.#hell back in the day I was an accomplished writer kid who was told that you may be good but nobody gives a fuck#artists who use up all these resources just to bring something new into the world and nobody's looking. what's the point. what's the point#anyway. i'm gonna go wade through the snow for a bit maybe sink my bare hands into it you guys want anything#started the post thinkin abt my blorbos ending it crying putting my shoes on alright I'm going I'm GETTING the FRESH AIR fuck off#i'll be god once i've gotten a bottle of coke and some mozzarella sticks. wait am i pmsing. fuck#god i hate that i don't drink sometimes.
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It's gettin pretty tough to keep squeakin I'll tell you that much
#this mouse has had her depression intensified again#time to read her journal and remember all the good things she cares about#time to work on moving on from the bad#I need to decide how much time being lonely and hurt I'm going to allow myself#compartmentalisation right#I can take all of this and deal with it later when there's more distance from it#I should also write myself a letter#it's always good to write myself a letter#I think I wanna cry in the shower first though#I was told not to bomb a bridge by someone with a lit stick of dynamite in her hand#standing next to an already bombed bridge#I played my part in stuff but not everything's my fault#and I think I'm gonna go cry about how it feels like that's being ignore for the sake of hating me and proving me wrong#then I'll pack all of this into a box and put it on a shelf in my mind and come back to it when somebody is ready to approach it with me#because I can't keep having this cycle alone#I can't keep listening to all the things I've been made to feel#I can't keep having imaginary conversations and wishing for magical fixes and apologies that might not ever come#god what a shit show#it's wild how fast everything can spiral out of control#and how much you can lose when it happens#I'll find another home some day#I have to believe that and keep moving forward#I'll find family that can be more patient with me and more accepting of their own flaws#I'll find a family that won't hurt me when they see me in a bad spot#i have to#please#i have to believe it's possible#and i really really really want to believe that can be my current family after weve had some time#but i feel so so scared that it cant#so lets shower and then box it up and then we can see what happens in a month I guess
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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apparently i'm already halfway done my musicology degree??
#i wanna talk about me#between the course i did in undergrad and the frankly ridiculous number of courses i'm taking this semester#apparently i'm over halfway done already#i know the musicology portion is a smaller load than the library science portion but like#man it was weird walking into my advisor's office and him looking me in the eye and saying like 'oh you're almost done'#three courses is all i have left for a master's. Man#well i'm gonna spread those out over the next year and a half...and probably pick up an extra elective here or there while i can#cause idk man i like studying music history...even if i don't Have to i like taking the classes and learning#(esp if it's gonna be paid for by my fellowship as long as i'm still here)#well i need to figure out. how the hell to get in touch with a library science advisor now.#i emailed yesterday and haven't heard back#but i don't know what i'm doing for that degree going forward rn#other than. i guess taking 552. but i KNOW there's other specialty and elective courses i'll need to take too#and i want to take stock of what shit i'll have to take in summers too cause i know some of the courses are only offered in summer#(need to find out if any of my fellowship scholarship can go towards summer courses. i'm guessing not...)#weird. it's weird. i don't know what i'm doing here#anyway#meeting with my advisor went okay i at least know what i'm doing now re: the music stuff#didn't cry which is good but man i hate how my voice started to break more and more the longer i was in there#and when i talked about how i put too much on my plate this semester and am struggling to keep up with all the work#and he asked me if i've been reaching out to anyone for support. or if i had people to reach out to#and i just had to sit there like. uh#define. support?#i have a couple friends at least that i chat with about stuff like that sometimes but not always cause i don't want to bother them too much#but like. it's not like i can ask someone else to write a research paper For me#or it's not like i can control when my coworkers get sick and i have to cover their time in the office#and this didn't come up at all (and i'm glad for it) but jeez it's not like i can control global political conflicts!!#it's hard for me to focus on getting enough work done in small chunks of time in the best of times#let alone when my fucking hamster brain is on high alert for getting hate crimed in public if my necklace is too visible or something#idk. it's a lot man. i bit off more than i could chew this semester even before the world fell apart
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(Side note, lace and JO has killed me. I'll be back later to reblog stuff and scream about it, probably)
#joker out#it's just TOO MUCH for my lace maker heart#how does it happen that I fall in love with a band#and then I learn about their appreciation for this silly little dying craft#that both my grandmothers have been teaching me since I was a child#that means so much to me#that I for a long time believed would actually be a big part of my job??#yeaaaaah#it didn't happen that way#but my plan was to combine my lace making and goldsmithing#and do bobbin lace jewellery both in metal wire and with other yarn combined with metals#I'm crying so much I can't believe I gave up on it#imagine if I hadn't given up???#also I did not mean to put all of this in the tags#but here we are I guess#brb I'll just go cry some more
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what's the theme you're fucking going for here voliiii!!! what are you fucking getting at!!! what are you trying to say, what's the point??
#still working on this drama chapter in Swept Up. they're. confusing to work with? from an empathy standpoint at least.#skill who is trying to honestly understand the other skills VS skill who is just always lying and putting on an act.#and then theres the whole thing that im not going to spoil yet but the dynamic. fuck man. i dont even know what im trying to say here#lying is bad? no i dont care about that. honest communication is important maybe? i feel like i need a central theme for this.#and i dont want the theme to be ''empathy good'' because low-empathy people are also good and i love them!! and also:#empathy is a flawed character!! i try to portray this. i dont like moralism/centrism which empathy believes in and is the main skill for#empathy you stupid centralist (affectionate) i know this is just because you don't know how to make everyone happy. who can fix this?#you dont think you can fix this! you feel too much debilitating sadness to make meaningful change!! responsibilite to others more capable#still. i do depict empathy as often kind on a small level because i think that's in character. empathy just helps you understand.#i guess this fic is also a ''empathy doesn't mean kindness. kindness is a choice you can make afterwards but empathy just means empathy''#but that's not a centralizing theme that all the chapters share. its also about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known#urgh. i'll think about it some more. knowing me its probably another ''love (in all forms) is the meaning to life'' type story lmao <3#i need to make a skill chart for this harry. all i know is that Volition is his skill signature but Empathy is his highest stat#hyper-empathetic harry with the rsd that comes from adhd!! haha!! suffering. everybody fucking hate you. this is based on me btw lmao#i was working on voli's chapter which has a flashback and child empathy! new to the mindspace looking out through harry's eyes and crying#the world is full of sad people and it's just too much for a lil guy! the backstory i have planned for this like. huh okay. wild. anyway!!#oh shit ive made a fucking breakthrough with the drama chapter. its not a theme but its something i figured out at least. we stay winning!!#chemi chats#task: swept up
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still sick but alive, unfortunately 🤧
#last morning when i got up i wasn't at all sure i'd live to see the release of deadzone lol#since then i've been able to walk and stand up somewhat normally without wanting to cry and/or die#last night i slept more than the two previous nights combined. which still isn't that much but at least i did sleep#i did also wake up so completely drenched in my own sweat (from mild fever going down after i had taken a painkiller for a headache)-#-that i had to get up and dry myself with a towel 😂#and there was a huge wet spot (of sweat) on my bed where i had lied 🙂#i have lost three fourths of my vocal range so i can't e.g. laugh#(not that i've had a whole lot to giggle about these past few days 💀)#i'm bummed out i can't do preparations for my new job#i definitely should've started earlier but i would've had plenty of time this week had i not caught the cold at the stupid festival 🤧#i did not plan this! besides i'm not gonna start working weeks ahead for a job i'm not even getting paid for yet#for the same reason no one can expect me to work while sick for a job i haven't gotten a single penny from#hell even if i WAS paid no one could expecte me to work while sick#so i shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to work on my fic instead of the course plans#which btw i already sort of have because my predecessors gave me practically ALL the material i might need#so all i reallly need to do is change the dates of the course plans and bob's your uncle#but i'd like to also study the material a bit before teaching it so that i'll at least seem like i know what i'm talking about 💀#mom said on the phone that i've managed situations like this before so i will manage this too and she's right i guess but 😭😭😭#but yeah i guess this is some sort of developement from last year when i had the 'rona-#-and felt awful about ordering food/groceries in because ''i don't want to be a bother'' 😂
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I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already
#i cannot stand my own whining but god i hate my life rn lol#i mean it's all my fault but i don't see myself improving in this environment#i should just try to ignore myself for the next 3 weeks#i can start packing up and throwing away stuff i won't need here anymore and maybe I'll feel less stifled#idk#just get through it i guess#this weekend I'll be away one last time and then there's only 2 weekends left#then it's essentially only 2 more weeks because the last week doesn't even count#finals start in 2 weeks already so i should be occupied#i still haven't even started my paper i already asked for an extension for and should hand in in November#instead of October#i just need to start focusing on anything but food intake and exercise and my body and I'll be fine#the days only seem to go by so slow suddenly because i'm literally not doing anything but hate my current state#so tomorrow I'll work on my paper and go running or take a walk and I'll book my bus tickets for the weekend#I'll find some enjoyment in occupying my mind with anything but myself#(sounds wrong. but i guess my problem really is that I'm focusing too much on how i dislike everything about me and need to change it#while the solution would be to simply not care and live my sad little life)#void screams#(((affirmation: i will not cry myself to sleep tonight ♡ i will face another day without a mental breakdown over how Wrong i am ♡))
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Uh oh I am having some feelings about lizzie's new design and most of them are not good. And I am having further feelings about the fact that not all of them are good and uhh yeah bit of a cycle here
#you can pry mixed lizzie from my cold dead hands man.... i was so hopeful#fuck man#im like low key stressed out now. literally crying and i never cry#but i also feel like a shouldnt be upset ahout this because yayy darkskinned characters in riptide. like thats a good thing#ough#this sucks#i need i need. i need to get into more media with canonically mixed characters#and canonically mixed characters i can adore and obsess over#bc atm i cannot think of many and most of them are from stories About racism. which is not bad but i want some which are not as well#oh well I'll cope i guess#might just go to bed early#this kinda came out of nowhere man im not usually this emotional about it#aaargh i feel baaad :(#vent post
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i have no food and i can't go anywhere because my car window is stuck open and i have no heat in it. there's no food delivery because nobody is gonna drive in this down here. i don't have anyone i can call with a better vehicle to take me somewhere either bc the only person i know with access to a truck is the person who hates me now. I'm cooked
#i guess I'll just cry some more idk what else to do. I can't even walk to the gas station bc the snow is blowing directly in my face#and before y'all say anything ab how i should've prepared nobody thought it was actually gonna fucking snow#it's alabama we thought it was gonna be a dusting at most i wasn't worried about it until i saw everything closing#i already have a sinus infection idk why i thought walking would've been a good idea anyway#ig im living off of the one pack of miso ramen i had left today#i have some ingredients but none that go together to actually make anything
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the struggles of today proved to me that i might indeed be a little mentally unwell
#not enough to go to therapy but at least now i know what i should work on#correct me if i'm wrong but most people probably don't start to feel suicidal if there's like. a problem at work#i've been asked to support the back office and help with managing cases which is okay i guess. but i'm not a support team person so#i don't know how to do a lot of things despite using the learning resources provided by the workplace#and this one case i'm handling was rather easy on the surface. no info in sys so parcel can't move forward. ask origin to release data. eas#but then origin says that they can't because they get an error message when putting in receiver's acc number. ruh roh#if origin can't release data no one can. i've asked them to handle it with IT but had no response. in the meantime the other involved CS#started getting involved and now a production in a factory is stopped. and i know it's not my fault but i could've done better#acted faster. thought smarter. and i hate this kind of responsibility. and that i care too much#i've cried so much today i'm so tired. from the stress of this task i've been given and because of the IT issues popping in all the time no#i logged into work 45 minutes late because the VPN i've been using shit itself and i had to get a backup one#i should've gotten it installed ages ago but nooo let's do that laterrrrr you definitely won't regret that#i hate having to put up with this bitch (me) .#another thing is. it's currently summer vacation season so i'll have to brace myself for more support work to come. it's probably gonna go#just as bad if not worse. i'm so not cut out for this. i'll have to ask my boss if he can move me to a different service#so i can have an excuse like sorry i can't help i'm no longer associated with tnt~#but that's gonna have to wait until he;s back from his vacation in august . oh well#also all this stress might result in me getting something akin to an ED#my stress response other than crying and shaking is not feeling hunger. i ate something substantial at 5pm and had breakfast at 6am#between that i had two small pieces of candy and water#i'm already bad at feeding myself or at the very least eating nutritious food . this could make me worse#“oh but kav everyone makes mistakes and it's important to learn from them! keep fighting!” bitch i don't want to i didn't sign up for this#if i wanted to work for Support Team i'd have applied there. i did not wish to get involved with them and their work#sorry i needed to get this out of my system. i'll probably complain to some irls too but i might be able to do that without crying now#laments#<- i think this is going to be my vent tag
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I just finished reading the 'God Save the Blessed American President Mom' fic and I sobbed hard through it all..
#god Im a wreck rn but I needed that cry#my anxiety at work has been so bad lately...#heaviness in my chest shaking hands kind of anxious and its been awful#and the best i can do for myself rn is come home and just disconect reading wholesome rwrb fics#and ive also been having trouble sleeping so thats what i do#until my eyes get too tired#bc i guess some part of me doesnt wanna wake up next morning#and go in rto work and get drilled with emotionally draining work and deal with stupid shit/people#not my coworkers/friend tho#i love them sm they keep me sane ♡#I'll never say it to those dummies but I think they're pretty neat ♡#just here avoiding more sleep writing this#and hoping tomorrow is the day it finally gets better#but not really feeling that hopeful...#either way..#at least i can always escape into alex and henry's love-filled world at some point of the day and worry about nothing ♡#loads of rambly tags but#truthfully-- no piece of media has ever touched me like this#and it really feels like it heals something in me for a while ♡#been thinking if I should see a therapist again too...#but im pretty sure my insurance doesmt cover it...#anyway#goodnight and here's to hoping#sad? little post#stuff
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not 2 keep posting literally Only Vents (and like 1 normal thing once a day) but it's nights like these I reminisce about my abuser and wonder all that "what if"s
all the sui tw/cw tags r because of shit I wrote in the tags
#➳ valentin vents#and yes i am purposefully triggering memories by listening to my playlist of songs i had full blown panic attacks and mental breakdowns to#or would listen to while it manipulated and turned me into his own little puppet while i felt disgust and. so. unsatisfied.#i hate that you all know me as who i am now#i hate that this is the me you have to see#why couldn't you all have met the sweet immature aqua who made sex jokes and who's only worry was petty drama ?#why couldn't you guys have gotten attached to him ? he would have been a better friend and partner than this aqua .#this aqua cries xerself to bed every night even if things are theoretically fine and makes her life miserable for no reason#he's selfish and always demands more and more and then plays the victim about it#she shouldn't exist . this vessel should have died a year ago when it met the person — the monster — who ruined it .#the asshole who killed innocent sonia and left his body to be possessed by the worthless maryne#i should have done it . i should have gone and chugged all those pills instead of just cutting contact . maybe he would have felt remorse#maybe I'd have saved so much money and tears and not have wasted the time of those who got to know this current '' being ''#but I've always been too much of a pussy to do something like that#oh well#i guess I'll just have to wait until the universe decides it's my time since i guess . idk . dad would miss me a lot . maybe some irls woul#too ? and mom and grandma . yeah I'll . uh . not chug an entire bottle of whatever random pills i can find in my cabinet .#i still need to get married some day . and at the very least I'm not dying a virgin lmao#ugh angways aqua stfu time go cry in uur bed like uu always do stop telling people online how uu should have killed uurself a year ago n#sharing tmi about uur trauma !!!!#tw sui mention#tw sui ideation#tw sui vent#tw sui talk#cw sui mention#cw sui ideation#cw sui thoughts#yea
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