#guess I'll go cry some more
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I love how, from Sand's perspective, Ray's behavior is getting more and more context. Sand just learned last episode about Ray's mom's alcoholism. He also learned that Ray blames himself for her depression. And now this episode, Sand watches him blow up at everyone and sabotage himself in the process...immediately followed by Ray attempting to drive off drunk.
It's frustrating because as viewers, we know that Ray's crush on Mew has a lot to do with how he views himself and his dependency issues. Of course, Ray won't admit to this, but I think Sand will slowly piece this together. He saw the way Ray spiraled at the end of this episode, and I think he was one of the only people who saw it for what it was: not simply an asshole ripping on his friends, but a broken guy in desperate need of help. Lashing out was one of Ray's only ways of expelling all the pent-up anger and sadness inside.
#guess I'll go cry some more#only friends the series#ofts#not excusing Ray's behavior but I do think it has much less to do with his friends and much more to do with Ray's own issues#only friends#sandray#raysand#sanray#raysan#sand x ray#ray x sand#san x ray#ray x san#firstkhaotung#first kanaphan#Khaotung thanawat#only friends episode 6
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I am spiraling lol. Medical racism is such a killer tbh. Black people in rural southern areas deserve compensation for the options we have to deal with I swear😭
The only psychiatrist they have available is so evil and manipulative ( she's literally laughed about a patient who was in a crisis and wanting to kill themselves with a nurse- how I know this? She sometimes keeps the door wide open during sessions bc of this) and other darker instances as well but I cant get into allat rn🫠
The only counselor they have available spends the entire time talking about himself, his messy divorce, and "the crime in this area- Im scared to walk alone sometimes." which is super weird bc shit don't happen around here like that...
Cant even get a call back from the doctor to see about this lump on my body..... And yet these white doctors and nurses get newspaper headlines for traveling to and "making such an impact and difference in one of the poorest counties in IL."
Such. A. Fuckin.Killer.
#im so overwhelmed..#im so heartbroken#guess I'll just die then#anyway gonna go cry some more and nap#personal
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genuinely didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 22 so now I'm looking around like..... Now What
#diary#um. sad rant i guess dont read if you're not in the headspace to take in negativity#i dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crying all the time and I'm always tired no matter how much i sleep and i love my family bu#sometimes i wish i just lived alone and didn't talk to anyone. i hate talking about my problems i hate everything about it#i dont want to be here. but i dont know where to go or how to move forward. i want to live but i dont really have that option#i feel so stuck right now.#i would say more but it would get sad really fast so I'll write it down maybe. or listen to some sad music and cry it out#genuinely thought about running away to like. Switzerland earlier. like i was looking up flights and everything#how fucking sad does someone have to be to contemplate that.
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It's gettin pretty tough to keep squeakin I'll tell you that much
#this mouse has had her depression intensified again#time to read her journal and remember all the good things she cares about#time to work on moving on from the bad#I need to decide how much time being lonely and hurt I'm going to allow myself#compartmentalisation right#I can take all of this and deal with it later when there's more distance from it#I should also write myself a letter#it's always good to write myself a letter#I think I wanna cry in the shower first though#I was told not to bomb a bridge by someone with a lit stick of dynamite in her hand#standing next to an already bombed bridge#I played my part in stuff but not everything's my fault#and I think I'm gonna go cry about how it feels like that's being ignore for the sake of hating me and proving me wrong#then I'll pack all of this into a box and put it on a shelf in my mind and come back to it when somebody is ready to approach it with me#because I can't keep having this cycle alone#I can't keep listening to all the things I've been made to feel#I can't keep having imaginary conversations and wishing for magical fixes and apologies that might not ever come#god what a shit show#it's wild how fast everything can spiral out of control#and how much you can lose when it happens#I'll find another home some day#I have to believe that and keep moving forward#I'll find family that can be more patient with me and more accepting of their own flaws#I'll find a family that won't hurt me when they see me in a bad spot#i have to#please#i have to believe it's possible#and i really really really want to believe that can be my current family after weve had some time#but i feel so so scared that it cant#so lets shower and then box it up and then we can see what happens in a month I guess
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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apparently i'm already halfway done my musicology degree??
#i wanna talk about me#between the course i did in undergrad and the frankly ridiculous number of courses i'm taking this semester#apparently i'm over halfway done already#i know the musicology portion is a smaller load than the library science portion but like#man it was weird walking into my advisor's office and him looking me in the eye and saying like 'oh you're almost done'#three courses is all i have left for a master's. Man#well i'm gonna spread those out over the next year and a half...and probably pick up an extra elective here or there while i can#cause idk man i like studying music history...even if i don't Have to i like taking the classes and learning#(esp if it's gonna be paid for by my fellowship as long as i'm still here)#well i need to figure out. how the hell to get in touch with a library science advisor now.#i emailed yesterday and haven't heard back#but i don't know what i'm doing for that degree going forward rn#other than. i guess taking 552. but i KNOW there's other specialty and elective courses i'll need to take too#and i want to take stock of what shit i'll have to take in summers too cause i know some of the courses are only offered in summer#(need to find out if any of my fellowship scholarship can go towards summer courses. i'm guessing not...)#weird. it's weird. i don't know what i'm doing here#anyway#meeting with my advisor went okay i at least know what i'm doing now re: the music stuff#didn't cry which is good but man i hate how my voice started to break more and more the longer i was in there#and when i talked about how i put too much on my plate this semester and am struggling to keep up with all the work#and he asked me if i've been reaching out to anyone for support. or if i had people to reach out to#and i just had to sit there like. uh#define. support?#i have a couple friends at least that i chat with about stuff like that sometimes but not always cause i don't want to bother them too much#but like. it's not like i can ask someone else to write a research paper For me#or it's not like i can control when my coworkers get sick and i have to cover their time in the office#and this didn't come up at all (and i'm glad for it) but jeez it's not like i can control global political conflicts!!#it's hard for me to focus on getting enough work done in small chunks of time in the best of times#let alone when my fucking hamster brain is on high alert for getting hate crimed in public if my necklace is too visible or something#idk. it's a lot man. i bit off more than i could chew this semester even before the world fell apart
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(Side note, lace and JO has killed me. I'll be back later to reblog stuff and scream about it, probably)
#joker out#it's just TOO MUCH for my lace maker heart#how does it happen that I fall in love with a band#and then I learn about their appreciation for this silly little dying craft#that both my grandmothers have been teaching me since I was a child#that means so much to me#that I for a long time believed would actually be a big part of my job??#yeaaaaah#it didn't happen that way#but my plan was to combine my lace making and goldsmithing#and do bobbin lace jewellery both in metal wire and with other yarn combined with metals#I'm crying so much I can't believe I gave up on it#imagine if I hadn't given up???#also I did not mean to put all of this in the tags#but here we are I guess#brb I'll just go cry some more
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Im a pent-up ball of pure stress and restlessness (like chest-tight and heart pounding type of stress) and I have 0 idea what to do with myself, because anytime I want to try and go distract myself with Something my anxiety spikes and my brain goes "!!! NO!!! DANGER!!! LOOK OUT FOR DANGER!!!" so I guess I'll just spend the day pacing the house and refreshing the same 3 pages on repeat, huh...
#personal#Raksh posts#tomorrow I'll know if I got back into uni#so that's the culprit#but I also have no way of assuaging it so fuck me I guess 😩#and depending on if I do or dont get in#its either gonna be a full on depressed crying or a crazy busy next week#plus so much has been happening all around#I finished my internship last friday#we found out our doggo is sick and we're going with her to a vet cardiologist next friday#my younger cousin Ive always been quite close with came to visit with her boyfriend and announced yesterday they got engaged#my bro today said he's planning to marry next year#Im trying not to let my crippling loneliness take me over#it's kinda a lot when all put together 🙈#I thought maybe I could finish typing up what I have of my recent vegaspete AU#its a super indulgent time travel a/b/o shifterd thingy with outsider pov - Nops in this first part#and so I could maybe have something to finally post sometime soon and motivate me to write some more#but I can't focus on that#Ive also thought of maybe gaming a bit#Id actually like to check out Cyberpunk with this new 2.0 update#but again it feels like anytime I try to occupy myself with something my brain goes into alarm mode ughhh#this stressing business is so useless and unproductive why isnt there a switch to it I could just flip and turn it off??#ughhhhh anyway#Im just venting dont mind me#hoped putting it down in some way shape or form would help but will it work? prob not 😂😪#vent#rant
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what's the theme you're fucking going for here voliiii!!! what are you fucking getting at!!! what are you trying to say, what's the point??
#still working on this drama chapter in Swept Up. they're. confusing to work with? from an empathy standpoint at least.#skill who is trying to honestly understand the other skills VS skill who is just always lying and putting on an act.#and then theres the whole thing that im not going to spoil yet but the dynamic. fuck man. i dont even know what im trying to say here#lying is bad? no i dont care about that. honest communication is important maybe? i feel like i need a central theme for this.#and i dont want the theme to be ''empathy good'' because low-empathy people are also good and i love them!! and also:#empathy is a flawed character!! i try to portray this. i dont like moralism/centrism which empathy believes in and is the main skill for#empathy you stupid centralist (affectionate) i know this is just because you don't know how to make everyone happy. who can fix this?#you dont think you can fix this! you feel too much debilitating sadness to make meaningful change!! responsibilite to others more capable#still. i do depict empathy as often kind on a small level because i think that's in character. empathy just helps you understand.#i guess this fic is also a ''empathy doesn't mean kindness. kindness is a choice you can make afterwards but empathy just means empathy''#but that's not a centralizing theme that all the chapters share. its also about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known#urgh. i'll think about it some more. knowing me its probably another ''love (in all forms) is the meaning to life'' type story lmao <3#i need to make a skill chart for this harry. all i know is that Volition is his skill signature but Empathy is his highest stat#hyper-empathetic harry with the rsd that comes from adhd!! haha!! suffering. everybody fucking hate you. this is based on me btw lmao#i was working on voli's chapter which has a flashback and child empathy! new to the mindspace looking out through harry's eyes and crying#the world is full of sad people and it's just too much for a lil guy! the backstory i have planned for this like. huh okay. wild. anyway!!#oh shit ive made a fucking breakthrough with the drama chapter. its not a theme but its something i figured out at least. we stay winning!!#chemi chats#task: swept up
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still sick but alive, unfortunately 🤧
#last morning when i got up i wasn't at all sure i'd live to see the release of deadzone lol#since then i've been able to walk and stand up somewhat normally without wanting to cry and/or die#last night i slept more than the two previous nights combined. which still isn't that much but at least i did sleep#i did also wake up so completely drenched in my own sweat (from mild fever going down after i had taken a painkiller for a headache)-#-that i had to get up and dry myself with a towel 😂#and there was a huge wet spot (of sweat) on my bed where i had lied 🙂#i have lost three fourths of my vocal range so i can't e.g. laugh#(not that i've had a whole lot to giggle about these past few days 💀)#i'm bummed out i can't do preparations for my new job#i definitely should've started earlier but i would've had plenty of time this week had i not caught the cold at the stupid festival 🤧#i did not plan this! besides i'm not gonna start working weeks ahead for a job i'm not even getting paid for yet#for the same reason no one can expect me to work while sick for a job i haven't gotten a single penny from#hell even if i WAS paid no one could expecte me to work while sick#so i shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to work on my fic instead of the course plans#which btw i already sort of have because my predecessors gave me practically ALL the material i might need#so all i reallly need to do is change the dates of the course plans and bob's your uncle#but i'd like to also study the material a bit before teaching it so that i'll at least seem like i know what i'm talking about 💀#mom said on the phone that i've managed situations like this before so i will manage this too and she's right i guess but 😭😭😭#but yeah i guess this is some sort of developement from last year when i had the 'rona-#-and felt awful about ordering food/groceries in because ''i don't want to be a bother'' 😂
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I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already
#i cannot stand my own whining but god i hate my life rn lol#i mean it's all my fault but i don't see myself improving in this environment#i should just try to ignore myself for the next 3 weeks#i can start packing up and throwing away stuff i won't need here anymore and maybe I'll feel less stifled#idk#just get through it i guess#this weekend I'll be away one last time and then there's only 2 weekends left#then it's essentially only 2 more weeks because the last week doesn't even count#finals start in 2 weeks already so i should be occupied#i still haven't even started my paper i already asked for an extension for and should hand in in November#instead of October#i just need to start focusing on anything but food intake and exercise and my body and I'll be fine#the days only seem to go by so slow suddenly because i'm literally not doing anything but hate my current state#so tomorrow I'll work on my paper and go running or take a walk and I'll book my bus tickets for the weekend#I'll find some enjoyment in occupying my mind with anything but myself#(sounds wrong. but i guess my problem really is that I'm focusing too much on how i dislike everything about me and need to change it#while the solution would be to simply not care and live my sad little life)#void screams#(((affirmation: i will not cry myself to sleep tonight ♡ i will face another day without a mental breakdown over how Wrong i am ♡))
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Uh oh I am having some feelings about lizzie's new design and most of them are not good. And I am having further feelings about the fact that not all of them are good and uhh yeah bit of a cycle here
#you can pry mixed lizzie from my cold dead hands man.... i was so hopeful#fuck man#im like low key stressed out now. literally crying and i never cry#but i also feel like a shouldnt be upset ahout this because yayy darkskinned characters in riptide. like thats a good thing#ough#this sucks#i need i need. i need to get into more media with canonically mixed characters#and canonically mixed characters i can adore and obsess over#bc atm i cannot think of many and most of them are from stories About racism. which is not bad but i want some which are not as well#oh well I'll cope i guess#might just go to bed early#this kinda came out of nowhere man im not usually this emotional about it#aaargh i feel baaad :(#vent post
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Got very excited to be awake early, went out to get mail from yesterday and do chores before i showered
forgetting in my excitement that ever since like
fuck idek anymore exactly when shit got way worse mentally, def around start of covid because fuck me that time was So Much and I've felt changed ever since but who fkn hasn't, anyway
I've been easily overwhelmed with doing a bunch of shit at once (said chores all involved phobias, but i was feeling good! so i figured I could handle it!! im completely fkn sober rn too, didn't even need my edibles to help! Or so I thought!)
as a result i have not showered yet but had a super fun extended panic attack over the chores (both ones i did and ones that admittedly still really need doing but i was going to do them later to avoid this exact fkn situation im in now) which triggered a physical reaction that left me laying on the bathroom floor for an hour
i can finally get up without wanting to be sick in some way, dizzy, or needing to lay back down because the weird waves of Ah Fuck Panic Time kept hitting and the first thing I did after washing my hands for the millionth time was make this post
So how are y'all doing this morning 😭😂
#text post#laughing and crying because i was so happy and excited and i felt more like i did before shit got worse#like precovid levels of okay this is gonna suck and you'll need something to make ur brain chill after but u got this#and i thought ah I'll be good until ive got my chosen things and shower done then I'll snag like half an edible#i was Incorrect friends learn from my failings#idk what the lesson is here tho except maybe don't get too excited if u got mental & physical health shit going on#in a situation like this because the universe WILL smack ur ass back down now and again#least some of the chores are done i guess
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the struggles of today proved to me that i might indeed be a little mentally unwell
#not enough to go to therapy but at least now i know what i should work on#correct me if i'm wrong but most people probably don't start to feel suicidal if there's like. a problem at work#i've been asked to support the back office and help with managing cases which is okay i guess. but i'm not a support team person so#i don't know how to do a lot of things despite using the learning resources provided by the workplace#and this one case i'm handling was rather easy on the surface. no info in sys so parcel can't move forward. ask origin to release data. eas#but then origin says that they can't because they get an error message when putting in receiver's acc number. ruh roh#if origin can't release data no one can. i've asked them to handle it with IT but had no response. in the meantime the other involved CS#started getting involved and now a production in a factory is stopped. and i know it's not my fault but i could've done better#acted faster. thought smarter. and i hate this kind of responsibility. and that i care too much#i've cried so much today i'm so tired. from the stress of this task i've been given and because of the IT issues popping in all the time no#i logged into work 45 minutes late because the VPN i've been using shit itself and i had to get a backup one#i should've gotten it installed ages ago but nooo let's do that laterrrrr you definitely won't regret that#i hate having to put up with this bitch (me) .#another thing is. it's currently summer vacation season so i'll have to brace myself for more support work to come. it's probably gonna go#just as bad if not worse. i'm so not cut out for this. i'll have to ask my boss if he can move me to a different service#so i can have an excuse like sorry i can't help i'm no longer associated with tnt~#but that's gonna have to wait until he;s back from his vacation in august . oh well#also all this stress might result in me getting something akin to an ED#my stress response other than crying and shaking is not feeling hunger. i ate something substantial at 5pm and had breakfast at 6am#between that i had two small pieces of candy and water#i'm already bad at feeding myself or at the very least eating nutritious food . this could make me worse#“oh but kav everyone makes mistakes and it's important to learn from them! keep fighting!” bitch i don't want to i didn't sign up for this#if i wanted to work for Support Team i'd have applied there. i did not wish to get involved with them and their work#sorry i needed to get this out of my system. i'll probably complain to some irls too but i might be able to do that without crying now#laments#<- i think this is going to be my vent tag
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Gosh, I really do hate november, it's such a dreary, gray, depressing time of the year. Like, the seasonal depression at it's Height. For 90% of the time Im so tired and steeped in dread I can do barely anything more than claw my way through the days just simply surviving and honestly, I think I should be allowed to just hibernate through these late autumn/early winter months until the time where the day is normal length again and I feel less dead on my feet because this? This is awful and it's all the same every year. Hate it here, fr...
#personal#vent#rant#Raksh vents#depression#seasonal depression#maybe today its worse but tbh#Ive been feeling this way for the whole weekend and the only time it lessens#is when Im back at uni with my friend group and my brain is occupied with classes#any other time Im teetering over the abyss of seasonal depression and want nothing more but sleep through it all#I would not get out of the bed if I didnt have to#and today is def some kind of peak bcs I just feel like crying my way through the whole day#(tbf tho my period is also months late and these have been happening)#(every time they do Im like maybe I'll finally get my period! but nope no luck)#ehhh I guess Im just having a really bad day today#week#weekend...#anyway I had to get this off my chest#still got some stuff to take care of for my classes tomorrow#but Im ngl I can’t give a fuck about it and Im prob gonna do just the barest minimum#and I should be working on my thesis with how I dont even have one full chapter finished :')#anyway I have some nice comments in my google docs to reply to#maybe that'll give me a few minutes of respite from the dread#sorry to anyone that got through all this depressive venting!#hope your days are going better 💗
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ugh nothing in my life can go smoothly i stg. csnt even do anything to ignore what's going on i just have to fucking sit here and listen to all these way too loud noises and fucking beeping but i'm the one who NEEDS to listen i'm always on fucking guard.
why the fuck are they up tbjs laaaaate jts 3am and i just want to relax buut fuckjng NO. everything they do annoys me i have no fucking peace in this house anymlre.
#sorry i am so fucking overstimulated and on the brink of a meltdown#the TV is on downstairs and one of them is making food and i'm too fucking terrified to go down and make myself something#so it's another night without dinner. sigh.#and my tendonitis is so bad i csnt even play a game or anything to distract me.#im just stuck in bed in so much pain to fuckifn stew in it.#and just as i fucking type this i hear more NOISES.#what the fuck ever. im so sick of the both of them. id sleep outside just to have some quiet if it wasn't snowing#just gonna put on my headphones and cry i guess.#im fine i'll be fine just. autism dramatics.
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