#grumpyneko-writes

[grumpyneko]

#1: Whirlwind

It's been a while since I wrote something in here. Wanted to document stuff here so the future me could look back at something.

Life had been so quick lately and I have been extremely busy and sort of overworked in a sense that it is also actually my fault.

Long story short: I have graduated from my undergrad, currently reviewing for the licensure exam (which, at this point of my life, idk if I can actually take), and is starting med school literally in 3 days.

It's kinda insane to think about how stagnant my life had become back during the height of the pandemic and then I've been extremely busy. Looking back, God truly had the best timing in life.

I took a 6-month break from studying and I was privileged enough to be able to do that. I realized I wasn't learning anything at all with the online setup, worry about the pandemic, and just the overall changes in environment - a quick talk to my parents have made me decide that they are willing to let me rest for a while. During that period, I've always pondered about how stagnant and slow my life had become. It had been some sort of baggage in me. Seeing peers graduate and achieve success, whereas I'm still in the middle of the battlefield. I was at home, feeling alone and left out. It was a double-edge sword. I was able to rest but I was also k*lling myself with defeating discouragement. It was prolly one of my bravest decision.

While I do not regret that decision, I always think of "what could haves." What could have happened if I didn't pause? What could have happened if I did things differently? It was futile!

When 2022 came in, I was willing to do everything I could, determine to finish this program and to race towards my dreams. And that's when the perfect timing came in, I was given the opportunity to practice clinical internship on actual hospital, was given opportunity to learn outside the computer screen again. And for me, that was all what I desired at that moment. Albeit, I had to sacrifice many things to move to the province to be able to do this. I had to do my very best since everyone was counting on me.

Stopping by one semester means I have to wait. The waiting game was killing me. I finished the program. Med school doesn't start until the middle of the year. I had nothing left to do. I wasn't planning on taking the licensure exam, just letting life takes its course. A random one day in the 3rd month of the year, I had a conversation with a friend where she asked me whether I'll be taking the board exam. The lingering feelings I had after that conversation had me thinking that maybe I really do have a desire to have a license on my undergrad course. I busted my ass out and quickly prepared all the materials and papers needed for the licensure exam, as well as my med school application. I was able to enroll on April, but review would only start at June. That gave me two months to actually properly review for the exams.

In between leisures and entertainment, June quickly came in and I had virtually zero rest since then. Classes are daily. We had to cram 4-year worth of study materials in 1 month so we could focus the other remaining one month for reinforcement. It was physically taxing and mentally draining. And I'm surprise that I had zero mental breakdown since review started. My sensitive teenage self would be so proud of what I have become.

And after a long waiting game, we finally had our graduation ceremony. I wasn't excited about it if I were to be honest. It kind of feels like I have many things on my plate right now. But just this afternoon, I had a self-reflection and realized just how thankful I am that I have come this far.

Med school is starting in Monday. Board exam is in two weeks. Everything is happening so fast now. I am scared, and anxious but the excitement overpowers anything. There's a certain optimism living in me. Idk if it's just the bliss of innocence left in me or if it's my blind faith to something unseen. I may or may not receive a good news next month, but If I have learned anything for the past years is that the fact that there's always a perfect timing for everything. I'll be ready for it when it comes to me.

Signed: July 28, 2023, 12:16 A.M.

[grumpyneko]

SONDER

Long before MBTI became trendy / popular, my 6th grade English teacher had already taught us the concept of it. It wasn’t exactly an in depth teaching but rather, she used it as a way to entertain the class. We, humans, had always been fascinated with psychology and personality test. We love reading or hearing descriptions about our personality and how much we relate to a particular analysis. Hence, some of us even entertain horoscope as a way to “describe” ourselves.

Admittedly, I am no different. In 6th grade, I found out I belong to ENFJ cluster of MBTI. And ever since then, I took the test a couple more times again, and it never changed.

One of the qualities an ENFJ possesses is their overly empathetic characteristic, which (I’m not gonna lie) guilt of having. I always find myself wondering how an individual is doing, how they cope up with their challenges and obstacles in life, and how they are dealing with their daily lives. Sometimes, I would find myself creating backstories about strangers I meet on streets, inside a coffee shop, or just wherever I am.

“Is she married? How is her husband treating her?” “How many cups of coffee has he already consumed today? Has he even rested today?”

That’s also the reason why I really dislike people being rude to strangers. That one middle age woman who yelled at a fast food crew for mistaking her orders, or that group of teenage boys vandalizing and loitering at night

Few years ago, while browsing the internet, I saw a collection of uncommon English terms that sounds pleasant but is rarely used. This is where I first stumbled on particular word: SONDER. And ever since then, I have been fascinated with it.

Sonder is the realization that a stranger on the street, the girl you sat next to on the bus, the man who lined up behind you at the counter, and every strangers your have encountered are living a complex and vivid life similarly as yours. Maybe that person who you bumped to at the mall just lost someone dearly on their lives. Or maybe the family at the next table you’re sitting at on a restaurant is celebrating their oldest child’s employment.

All the overheard conversations, the eaves dropping curiosity, and even the out-of-context glimpses of quotes we heard anywhere and everywhere from someone - Those little sonder moments might probably lead all of us to be a little empathetic one step at a time.

More importantly for me, it can also pertain to the person closest to you and how they have untold battles and internal conflicts they never share, and how closed off some friends could be. It doesn’t matter whether they tell us or not, but just realizing their difficulties would probably lead us into understanding their hearts more.

And maybe, just maybe, we could learn to treat everyone with kindness and compassion

That’s basically how I decided to name this blog, to remind myself that everyone is dealing with this shitty life and to stay true to my self-proclaimed ENFJ empathetic ass.