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redrabbitspod · 4 years ago

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This is in no way meant to be rude or disrespectful and I am fully aware that you can do whatever you please but I feel like Neil is getting so out of character. He clearly started to develop more of an own personality but he definitely has been through so much and he is just so..cheery and happy and clingy all the time(which if you’re like that is in no way wrong or bad) and now he reminds me so much of Nicky in AFTG. It’s really hard for me to still see Neil.

OOC: This is very long, and while we think everything leading up to it is super important to our thought process (and yes this is something we’ve thought about) the bit in bold is the heart of the point we try to make. (Please read the whole thing though!)

Hey, I’m actually really happy that you sent this in because I’ve been wanting to talk about it. I know that there’s a post going around that we both wholeheartedly agree with about Neil reaching far past ooc and becoming very ‘fem’. Jeni and I had a really long talk about this because we were worried that our Neil would be perceived or mistaken to fit in that trope. And while I think your concern is EXTREMELY valid (note: people can write the characters however they want. It’s fanfiction, they can do as they please, like you said, we just did not want to go that direction), I have a few points as to why I disagree.

On surface I definitely get that. Idk if you’ve read the entirety of RRP, but I know for those of you that just read the asks (Im sure there are a lot), it DEFINITELY seems that way. But we went into RRP right off the bat letting people know that these characters will fundamentally be different. In Andrew’s case, we know he’s extremely soft now and we bring that up a LOT in the fic. Both himself acknowledging it and all the other characters around him. But we went in knowing he was going to be very different from canon - mainly because we took out the plotline that he was ever put on meds. In Wish You Were Here, the story we are writing post-season 2, we will be mentioning that and how we twisted it. Because in canon, that shaped his entire character. The medication changed the physiology of his brain and we hated the fact that something so abhorrent was forced upon him by the courts that we didn’t do it. And as a result, Andrew’s character is completely different because he’s able to tap into emotions that were blocked in canon. He’s able to grow in ways that he was not able to before and besides the fact that this is set a good while after college and especially his sophomore year that we saw in canon, he was going to change. We definitely know that them admitting that they love each other, making strides in their relationship both physical and mental, opening up, expressing, for his character may seem extremely ooc for some, but we had to take into account what would’ve happened if we took the thing that shaped his character in canon away. I hope we’ve done him justice.

Now onto Neil. Neil we work over a LOT. And when Jeni brought this up to me because of the post, there were glaring things in my mind that automatically said no. This doesnt apply to our Neil even though to some it may seem that way. Here’s what we’ve done at least very consciously to make sure that our Neil holds integrity to his canon character, that he holds merit and a backbone to back up how he’s grown throughout our series.

From day one, we knew that they knew each other. We knew that an event from the past not only shaped how Andrew approaches life, but how Neil does as well. Childish sentiment and nostalgia kept Neil in Arizona for so long, which we imply throughout season 1 and start the ball rolling in the first chapter. For the both of them, they held onto the boy they met at the Grand Canyon through everything they’d been through. When shit got tough, it was each other they thought of. And on some wild whim, Neil hoped one day Andrew would walk through the Book Nook’s doors and he’d see him again. Not because Neil had a crush, because he didn’t. But because Andrew was the embodiment of strength for him.

New York was really important to us. Neil standing his ground and letting Andrew know exactly what he’d done to him, was what the entirety of Season 1 and EVEN season 2 culminated and came back to. Neil being able to say no, fuck you asshole, and always express exactly how he was feeling, was so vitally important to us. ESPECIALLY when it came to Andrew. Those few weeks of New York we wanted to build a bridge if you will. Andrew’s intentions were always genuine and well-meaning and Neil knew that, but survival instincts and what’s been ingrained in him stuck. They started to have a little give when he came to realize that he felt something for the man before him. But he never lost that fight for himself. That HE has to ALSO be okay. And I think we see a lot in that trope of Neil that he loses the fight, the backbone, the integrity that makes his canon character so compelling (even if he is a martyr).

One thing we worried people would misinterpret was how fast we pushed their characters together. We definitely get that. In our world we didnt really have the luxury of really stretching it out like some may have, just because we were working with real-time. And honestly? As we wrote, the drive to push them together because they were so connected and intertwined just fell genuinely and organically. For us, it only made sense and not because of canon, but because of the story we’d written already. It made sense to us for Andrew to be the one to hold himself back and Neil be the one reaching out - Neil be the one exploring and beginning to recognize what want and really, agency over himself AND his wants, was. Neil was the one to ask for their first kiss here, Neil was the one to initiate them all afterwards, Neil was the one that asked Andrew to touch him, Neil was the one that asked what they were in Arizona, Neil was the one to bring up sex. And in return, Andrew was peeling away layers of himself, feeling accepted, and wanted, and understood in ways he’d never been before. And honestly? Feeling honored that they were both experiencing emotions in ways that they both never felt before. We see their relationship has an equal give and take, a push and pull. And I’m saying all of this because it’s honestly and truly really important for why we’ve made Neil’s character the way that he is.

Going into season 2, we knew that happiness could not last long. They both had things to sort out, they both had hurdles to hop over, bridges to cross, whole fucking oceans to swim. Before season 2 started, before we had anything written or really even solidly planned, we knew they had to break up. Jeni even had the scene written back in either july or august. We knew that in order to continue trying to give integrity to their characters and relationship, how far they’d grown but also that growth is not a linear path, we needed to break them up. And in the lead up to that, we made sure that Neil was not only looking out for Andrew or trying to, but that he was looking out for HIMSELF. Unlike in canon, he didnt automatically have the foxes - not in his head at least. Of course he knew he had a home there, he knew that he had friends, but they weren’t like canon because he didnt grow WITH them like he did in canon. In his mind, he really only had Andrew and if there was no Andrew, why stay? And when their fight happened we made sure that Neil had value enough in himself, care for himself, love for himself AND for Andrew that they couldn’t let this go on any longer. Neil left because he knew he deserved better. He knew Andrew needed help and he couldn’t provide it. And he held onto that. In fact, Andrew even held onto it himself:

“Is there no hope, then?” Andrew asked, unable to help himself.

Neil sighed and Andrew was grateful that he at least didn’t pretend that he didn’t know what Andrew meant.

“I don’t know, Dr- Andrew.” Was it possible for his chest to hurt even more? He wanted to curl in on himself, but settled instead for clenching the sharp corners of the pack of cigarettes in his pocket into the palm of his hand. He watched as Neil bit the inside of his lip and that little indent appeared. Maybe he feels it, too . “Part of me wants to say fuck it all and let’s just go home. I hate this... But I hate what you’ve been putting me through these last couple of weeks even more. I can’t do that again,” he stopped talking once more and inhaled a shuddering breath. “You broke my heart, Andrew. I know I sound dramatic and stupid, but I don’t know how else to say it and - I don’t know how to do this, for fucks sake.” He finally turned to him, but the eye contact was brief and before it was even there, it was gone. “I came into this knowing nothing about relationships and I know even less about breakups. I don’t know how to navigate this.”

“You think I do?” Andrew asked. He didn’t mean for it to sound so bitter, but there it was.

“I don’t know with you,” Neil shrugged. “I feel like you keep everything so close to your chest, that there are whole sections of you I’m missing. And listen, I don’t blame you. You should be able to choose what you want to share. But I can’t help that it makes things hard when you’re falling apart and I don’t know why...”

Andrew let go of the box and put both of his hands in his lap. Grinding his teeth together, he heard the beginning hum of Bee’s buzz , but took a deep breath to try and keep her at bay. Clearing his throat, he looked back to the stadium and that stupid orange fox paw, before he murmured, “What if I offer you a piece?” - suddenly and quickly said, it was as if his mouth was trying to outrun his mind, despite the second he took to contain it. He’d known this would eventually come - that he would have to do this. And besides, Neil deserved an explanation, even if they never got back together.

“Andrew-”

“I’m not offering with hopes that we’ll get back together right now, Neil. I’m working through shit the best I can. Therapy is helping, but I know it’s a process. I just know you deserve an explanation. And I haven’t wanted to tell you because it’s fucking horrific, but I was also afraid that it would send me even further down the spiral if I talked about it. Now that I have a space to vent through, I don’t think I’m so afraid of the fall.”

This part was so important to us for both Andrew and Neil’s character. And in the entire build up to the break up and directly after, Neil held onto the fact that they needed to talk. He kept bringing it up. Because he knew that if they didn’t it would escalate just like it did before.

“I wouldn’t risk being with you again if I didn’t think things would be different. I’m not better and to be honest? I probably wont ever be better. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with my shit by myself because that’s just how it was. I’ve avoided relationships because I never trusted anyone with my baggage and I didn’t think it’d be fair to pile it on someone anyway. So when it comes to talking about shit - I’m not used to that. Bee was the only person I’d ever told everything to, and she doesn’t even know all of it.”

“I know that,” Neil said, leaning forward as if to show Andrew how much he actually understood. If that was the case, Andrew believed him. “I know you, Andrew. I would never force you to talk about something you don’t want to. That’s not what I’m trying to do. But , I need you to work with me, and if not me, someone else. Don’t take it out on me when you’re going through shit that neither of us can control. It’s not fair and it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and I can’t fix it.”

Now. Now we’re up to your points. I promise all of this was important for me to explain, because I know there’s literally SO MUCH that we’ve written, that shit happening now can get in the way of everything that’s happened before to lead up to this.

We fully recognize that Neil is definitely happy. But he’s not happy-go-lucky and we tried really hard to make sure he didn’t lose his integrity - his backbone - the things that made Neil, Neil.

Something I realized throughout this series was that I was getting worried that the focus of season 2 was so heavily on Andrew. I was seriously worried about that. But then I realized that Season 1 was focused solely on Neil. Season 1, Neil was a fucking wreck. It was Matt AND Andrew comforting him, Matt and Andrew bringing him down, Matt and Andrew trying to protect him, take care of him, find him, search for him, all of that. But even through Neil’s horrific anxiety and all the bad shit that happened, it was still Neil that pushed himself up from the ground, pulled Lola back, and gave Andrew the in. It was Neil that fought with the doctors and nurses to see Andrew and make sure he was okay. Even still afterward though, it was Neil discovering and Neil understanding and a lot of Neil, Neil, Neil.

Season 2 is heavily focused on Andrew. We’ve already seen Neil’s story and his growth. Its Andrew’s turn to try and again, build his bridge to getting better. But with that, it was Neil that made the strides to speak and handle Ichirou, it was Neil that figured out things with his uncle, it was Neil that ultimately had the gun, brought Andrew for practice - took it out and demanded Andrew get behind him this time. It was Neil that looked Andrew in the eyes as the cops patted them down and desperately tried to tether them together. It was Neil that kept reassuring Andrew they were going home. It was Neil that snapped the moment the cop tried to put his hands on Andrew to show them where their things were when they left the prescient, and ANDREW that allowed himself to be pulled into Neil’s arms in that moment, because he knew that he was the one thing that was SAFE. It was Neil that held Andrew that night and Andrew that LET himself be held as he broke down.

That was one chapter ago. And we really tried to illustrate at the end that they have a life ahead of them now. They have a future - a future that is spread out and it’s bright and full of possibilities. They have a future where they can do what they want. They have a FAMILY. They have nieces, Aaron, Kate, Bee, the entire TFN team. Neil had nothing and now he has something. He has hope.

Promise Im coming down to the end omfg. This is why our Authors and End Notes are so fucking long i swear to fucking god.

This BTP chapter, we wanted to explore that fucking unbridled happiness. That elation of fuck - we have the world out in front of us. We don’t have any killers on our backs, Hailey is safe, Robin is safe, Jean is out, the Moriyama’s are taken care of, Stuart isn’t begging Neil to join the Hatford Branch, Aaron and Kate might be moving back to South Carolina, they’re married and all of that isn’t terrifying. It’s COMFORTING. So yes, this BTP chapter was bright and cheery. Neil was most certainly happy and showing it. Jumping on the bed, kisses all around, getting excited over ZOO BABIES and a ZOO CHOO train. But just because we show this side of him where he gets to go on a road trip and experience real and true fucking freedom for the first time, doesn’t mean that we’re all of a sudden shedding everything that we’ve built for his character. I don’t think that’s what you meant, but I mean it when I say we take the characters, the integrity of the characters, very, very seriously. Also in this chapter, Neil takes a homophobic asshole to task and not in the way that a lot of people do, but by quietly hinting at the threat because Neil doesn’t need bells and whistles. In fact, he even talked about how being happy was something his mother frowned upon:

Because the way he looked at Neil when a butterfly landed on his finger or when he snuggled up to a goat in the petting zoo let Neil know that Andrew was happy. And he was happy. That was something Neil never really had in his life. His mother didn’t care if he was happy, only that he was alive . In fact, the less happy he was, the fucking better. By her logic, he was less likely to go rogue if he didn't feel like there was something to be happy about outside of her.

Neil’s finally had a moment to enjoy and let go and we know exactly how that can come off, but we have an entire future planned for them and the book they’re about to explore. Spoiler Alert: It won’t be all “butterflies and rainbows”. But all of this does not mean that all of a sudden we’re giving in to tropes and changing his character entirely because of one chapter. RRP and it’s characters mean too much to us.

So I definitely get where you’re coming from and I’m so fucking sorry this is so long omfg. And I respect your view because we definitely worried that people would see them like that. But we have a reason for almost everything we do in this fic and really, we just wanted to see the boys happy here. We don’t believe he’s like Nicky and we don’t believe he’s clingy, but everyone interprets these characters differently, and you’re certainly entitled to that opinion. We hope this just makes our thought process on Neil’s development a little clearer. - The Creators

#Anonymous #red rabbits pod #ooc #rr answers 2

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thegrimzuera · 4 years ago

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Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down into a real-life, real BAD fanfic.

So for the sake of privacy, we’ll say that my name is Zoe. I was raised in heteronormative, Midwestern suburbia. Now for the most part I adore my family and I loved my childhood, but in this case it did not work to my advantage. You see, nobody ever told me I could be gay. Just slipped their minds, I guess. Oops? So for most of my adolescence I walked around like a chump, thinking I was straight. I mean, straight people, you do you! It just didn’t work for me. That in and of itself is Bad Fanfic Trope #1.

I dated this guy on and off throughout high school. We’ll call him Chad. I liked Chad quite a bit. He was nerdy and we had nice conversations. For some reason we just couldn’t click well enough to maintain our relationship long enough that it became permanent (hint: because I was GAY...!). Honestly, we don’t even need to dwell on Chad that much. He’d be the least important part of this story if it weren’t for the fact that during one of our “off again” phases, he met and fell right in love with a person who we’ll dub Sarah.

Here’s where it gets juicy.

Now I’d never met her, but everyone said that Sarah was just like me—but cooler. We were both cute little emo girls, we both liked anime and weird music, and we both for some unknown reason liked Chad. Sarah also had this really amazing accent because she had moved to the states from Wales. All of Chad’s friends called her “British Zoe.” Come to think of it, that title made me a little bitter towards Sarah, and if Sarah ever heard about it, it may have contributed to her feeling bitter towards me too. Of course, being directed to compete over Chad didn’t help.

So Chad dated Sarah for a while, but it was fine, because Chad and I were going to stay friends like the mature 18-year-olds we were. Even though I was still insanely jealous of this mysterious and unattainably cool Sarah person. It was during this time that I figured I liked girls (and boys, I still thought) and as I was toying with the idea of telling Chad about my newly discovered bisexuality, he informed me that Sarah had also come out as bi. Interesting, isn’t it? 👀

I had the opportunity to meet Sarah once. We all went to an anime convention together, and I distinctly remember taking a deep breath beforehand and deciding that this was the day Sarah and I would become friends. There was no need for me to be jealous! If she was as cool as everyone said, then imagine how great a friendship would be. But I was shy. And she was shy. And we had all that baggage between us. I went home that day feeling alienated and disappointed.

Now things began to get messy, because conflicting feelings often do that. I’ll spare you the ugly details, but tell you that my friendship with Chad ended quite abruptly when I discovered that he’d been juggling both Sarah and I romantically at the same time. So I split, made a life for myself 50 miles away, and that was that.

Except it wasn’t. Fast forward about six years—one marriage, one child, one mental breakdown and revelation, and a divorce later. I moved back to my hometown, and one night I walked down the winter streets on the East side with a good friend of mine. I didn’t often come to these parts because I was raised on the opposite side of the city and it was unfamiliar to me. This was actually the first time I’d been here in about...hmm, six years? But one coincidence is all it takes I suppose.

As we walked along, I happened to glance into the front window of a restaurant just off the sidewalk. I had to do a double take, because there was no way that after six years and only one meeting I would immediately recognize...Sarah? Also Chad 😒 I did not say hello. I didn’t know what to do at all! After a mini meltdown, I decided that the best thing I could do was to reach out to Chad on social media.

In truth, I’d wished over the years that I could repair my friendship with Chad—wished that things had played out differently. If we all hadn’t been so dumb, maybe I wouldn’t have lost that friendship. To my great surprise, Chad was very friendly when I reached out. We arranged a time to meet up for coffee, and for several hours we talked and reconciled everything that had happened. We caught up on life, and Chad said that I should hang out with him and his friends—and Sarah—sometime.

I remember the first time I got to spend time with Sarah. It was shortly after that first coffee that Chad, Sarah, and I went to a local pinball bar to play and have drinks. We got together to play board games and have dinner around that time as well. In both instances, I was floored by Sarah’s kindness to me. Despite both of us being rather quiet by nature, we had easy conversation. I also remember feeling like such a dork in comparison. Me and my carefully curated outfits and sculpted hair were overdone and pretentious when compared to Sarah’s shaved head and relaxed wardrobe of black tank tops and some of the coolest pants I’ve ever seen. It was all so effortless for her.

Damn, I wanted so badly to be her friend! Chad kept encouraging me that Sarah thought I was really cool too, but I just didn’t believe it. When I learned that Chad would be moving out of state, I realized I had to stake my claim on Sarah’s friendship fast.

We all got together at Sarah’s new apartment for potentially one last time. Merely stepping foot into this place had my desire to be a part of Sarah’s world skyrocketing. The apartment sat on the East side of town, less than a hundred feet from the very restaurant window where I’d first saw her. It was on the upper level of an old, hipster coffee shop for goodness sake. If I didn’t want to be friends with Sarah just to be friends with her, I certainly wanted to For The Aesthetic.

That night I also met the person we’ll call Katie. This was Sarah’s new roommate. I could just tell as we interacted that evening that something good would come of this. At least, I hoped so. I largely contribute my lasting friendship with Sarah to Katie’s presence, because Katie has such a way about them. They can take even the most shy and awkward folks like me and get them laughing like fools. A little alcohol may have helped as well.

I lamented that night about how lonely I had been, and I did so out loud. That really should be embarrassing, but I’m nothing but grateful for my clumsy and pathetic tongue, because it allowed Sarah to open her mouth and invite me into her life.

“You can be my friend,” she offered earnestly. “Once Chad leaves I won’t really know what to do with myself, so you’re welcome here any time. I mean it!”

And hot damn, was I going to take her up on that. I came home that night absolutely elated. I had found a place to belong. I wrote songs and poetry about how happy I was. I told my parents how happy I was. I had never felt so hopeful, right down to the tips of my fingers. Flowers could have grown straight from my chest that night.

A week or so later, I had plans to have dinner with Sarah, Katie, and another friend of theirs, Rose. I was growing connections. That was also the week that I discovered Sarah and Chad had broke up because of some deeply rooted trash-bag tendencies he’d been revealed to have. We won’t go into that, but Chad was out of the picture, and somehow that raised the stakes. I had no training wheels now, not even in the form of an out-of-state buddy who could encourage me that Sarah truly did want my friendship.

Fortunately, what came to be on that evening with the three almost-strangers was the beginnings of the most instantaneous, wild, and addictive friendship of my life. We talked about everything. We discussed heartbreak, joy, pain, existence as a whole. We sat on a rooftop deck and gazed at the stars, and we immediately planned a get together for the following night where we would meet Lena and Emma, and our core group of instant best friends would be complete.

I can only describe this friendship as a whirlwind romance. These were the true loves of my life, and it had all started with laying eyes on Sarah by means of coincidence or fate that night in the winter—after years of tension and competition! Talk about an Enemies to Friends arc.

But I’m not even done yet.

As I mentioned, our little group became inseparable. We spent all of our time together and poured more energy into our friendship than I had ever given or been given by another adult person. I learned that these people were the coolest to ever exist, and that they thought I was cool too. I finally l believed it, because they wouldn’t allow me to doubt. This was a fierce love.

For some reason, with all this fierce love, I always found myself dying to get closer to Sarah. Closer and closer yet. I also felt particularly protective of my friendship with her. I think this had everything to do with the fact that our friendship was so ill-fated and had been thwarted many times before. I promised myself that I would never let anything or anyone come between us. Sarah was my number one concern.

You can see where this was going.

Bad Fanfic Trope #2: Enemies to Friends [to Lovers]

Now let me just take a pause in our literary journey to tell you some of the reasons I fell for Sarah. Consider this a montage of sorts:

For being a very shy, very introverted person, Sarah lives loudly. She’s the one to show up in the most fabulous, effortlessly cool outfit you’ve ever seen. We once went on a walk to the park with mine and Emma’s kids—Sarah wore black leather hammer pants. She has about ten thousand pairs of black boots, each one unique and quietly elaborate. She just exists this way, never looking like she tries too hard or had to even put thought into her appearance. She just is.

Sarah also loves to dance. And she’s good at it. This was another thing that surprised me, I suppose because I figured that as a self-proclaimed awkward person like myself, she would be too timid to dance. But Sarah can and will dance to anything. Sarah will dance in silence. Sarah also knows and loves every song known to humankind. I’m talking tens of thousands of songs—she knows the lyrics, the albums, the artists, and probably the life stories of said artists.

Sarah is an artist herself. She draws, paints, and does pottery. For my birthday, she threw me the first party I’d had since my absolute failure of a sweet sixteen (in and around eight years prior), baked me the most delicious lavender cupcakes I’ve ever tasted (oh yes! Sarah also is a master in the kitchen!), and gave me the coolest, trippiest, handmade cup. It is my favorite cup. I would probably murder if this cup asked me to.

Most importantly, Sarah is the most kind, gracious, emotionally intelligent person I know. I’ve always been astounded by her ability to forget our past and extend such grace to me. Despite the way we met, she welcomed me into her life. She’s always the first one to check in not just on me, but on all of our friends and even people who have wronged her to be sure that we are all okay. Sarah understands people. She understands feelings and can express them so beautifully when she’s actually given the chance.

We’ve done the whole nine yards over the last year since we met (er, met again). I’m talking midnight kisses, bed sharing, romantic dinners, slow dancing, regular dancing. The problem was in figuring out if it meant anything, because when all your friends are gay, this sort of thing can be confusing.

Nobody told me to feel this way. A smart person would have told me not to. A smart me would have listened. But I love the feeling of falling, so I allowed it. I allowed it and clung to it. It actually happened quite fast. Sarah and I have always been honest with each other; it was something I prioritized due to our rocky beginning. So, when I realized my feelings for her, I wasted no time in asking her on a date.

Sarah said yes, but she also told me she wasn’t sure where she wanted this to go or if she was ready for anything serious. Her relationship with the trash bag had left her pretty severely wounded, and she was understandably still healing from that. And so together we agreed that this would be a date without expectation.

Sarah also told me that she’d never been on a proper date before. Trash bag had never bothered to do that. This was just more motivation to make this a good date. Not to pat myself on the back too hard, but I did a great job. I am good at treating people right. We went axe throwing (yes, very gay, I know), and then had dinner and drinks.

All seemed well, I was happy, she was happy. But, since we agreed that it was a casual date, I didn’t want to apply any pressure by asking her out again too quickly. So I waited and tried to play my hand wisely.

Now during this time, COVID cases were on the rise in my area and in the rest of the country. Hangouts in our tiny group had been easy and safe up until this point because of the nice summer weather and Sarah’s outdoor, rooftop deck where we usually would gather. Winter in the Midwest, however, made that impossible.

Now I thought I might lose my mind if I couldn’t see my people for the entire winter. Fortunately, Sarah asked me to be her “plus one” of sorts—each of the roommates in her apartment got to choose one. Katie chose their partner, and the third roommate in the apartment chose his partner. Sarah chose me.

I say again, you can see where this is going.

Sarah confessed to me that she felt lonely and jealous of her roommates romantic lives. They had partners, she didn’t. They were in love, she wasn’t. But here I was.

Bad Fanfic Trope #3: Fake Dating AU

Now I know what you’re thinking. Why would I do this? Why would Sarah do this? Why, Zoe? Why?

Emotions are a very persuasive bastard, I’ll tell you that. Besides, it made Sarah happy, and I got to go over to my favorite apartment with my favorite person. We actually spent quite a lot of time together in this days.

One particularly magical night for me was the walk we took around a local college campus. This was near Christmastime, so the surrounding houses were all lit up with colored lights and the atmosphere just hit different. Even being out in the open, it felt intimate. We came across the most oddly placed bus stop in the parking lot. Truly it was an island out at sea—it just looked like it didn’t belong there, a little glass building with citrus light leaking out of it.

“That’s a portal,” Sarah joked, spotting it at the same time as me.

I laughed, but I was actually serious when I asked her, “Should we go through?”

So we did. We ventured to the middle of the lot and entered in the left-side door. The inside felt even more otherworldly, and I’m still not convinced that something supernatural wasn’t going on there. But we giggled like kids and imitated the sounds of machine and tearing space-time, and then we stepped out the right-side door.

I’m pretty sure that was the night I knew I was totally fucked. Up until then things had been pretty manageable, feelingswise. But everything about that evening just pumped me up with hope and adrenaline, and whether things went up or downhill from there is kind of hard to tell.

Things really were good! I got to dress up for mini, COVID safe parties and dance in the living room. I got to sleep over on movie nights. I had already been living out my fanfiction dreams to the tune of Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift for the last several months, so what was a few more?

Actually, it was quite painful. I say this was a fake dating AU, but I think I was the only one being fooled—and maybe Sarah too on some level. We didn’t really mean for it to happen this way. I didn’t mean to be the person who couldn’t control her feelings, and Sarah didn’t mean to be the one who led me on. We were supposed to be having fun—and it was fun. Until it wasn’t.

See, holding back your own feelings can be miserable. It’s fun in the moment until you come home to an empty bed and know that nobody will be joining you. It’s fun until you’re reading into every text message and searching for a hidden meaning. Everything somehow felt perfectly aligned and all out of sorts at once.

When I decided I couldn’t take the wondering anymore, I asked Sarah for the chance to talk. She of course said yes, and so we agreed that we’d find some alone time at our next get-together. This happened to be our jazz night party, and Damn, did Sarah look good on jazz night.

We’d had themed parties before, but Sarah really outdid herself this time. She’d taken the lead on this party, and when I walked in I found the entire apartment transformed. The living room furniture had been pushed back to make room for dancing, and the kitchen cart was rolled in as a makeshift bar. The plush bench from the entryway sat in front of a strung-up tapestry as a photo station, and the flat screen was adorned with some sort of “jazz club ambience” from YouTube.

Sarah herself looked like something straight out of the Great Gatsby. I’ll spare you the details because I’m trying not to be too cringe-inducing here, but she was striking and perfectly on theme. I’m pretty sure I looked like a grunge gremlin in comparison, but that’s neither here nor there.

I told her how lovely she looked when I arrived, and truthfully I couldn’t tell if she was the one being awkward or I was. It could have been both, in hindsight, but considering how things went it doesn’t really matter.

It was difficult to focus on the absolute beauty of the party when my hands were trembling and all I could think of was the upcoming talk of be having with Sarah. I didn’t want to look at her too long in case everything went wrong and she didn’t want my eyes on her, but she also looked gorgeous and cool, and she was making us drinks like a real bartender. This was the time of her life, I could tell.

Everyone else was having a good time too. Katie and their partner were two peas in a pod. And Adam (third roommate, thus far unnamed) and his partner seemed pretty much in sappy, romance heaven. It hadn’t been a problem before, but suddenly I wasn’t sure where I fit into this unique equation.

When slow songs came on through the playlist, the couples wrapped their arms around each other and looked fondly into each other’s eyes. Sarah and I danced, but not too close, and I definitely couldn’t meet her eyes right now. It just didn’t feel the same.

We finally managed to get some privacy when the others went on a Taco Bell run. I mentally went over my talking points and tried to prepare myself for what seemed like the most predictable outcome. I would make sure that Sarah felt no pressure with me, because that truly was the last thing I wanted. I would also make my intentions clear—I’d love to go out on more dates with you and just see if there could ever be something between us. Easy as that. I didn’t expect that she would confess her true and undying love for me (I tried not to expect anything really), but a large part of me figured she would at the very least agree to a date or two for the sake of discovery, and maybe she’d even be excited about it. It just made sense to me.

But, even as I was beginning to express my feelings, I could tell the direction this was going. Sarah smiled and said she also felt like we probably needed to talk, and that I was really brave for bringing this up—braver than her, she said. What followed was the kindest, most gentle letting down of my life. Really, she couldn’t have handled that conversation any better.

There were a number of reasons for her decision to turn me down. For one thing, she didn’t want to risk our friendship. We were already so close, and as she’d expressed before, she didn’t want to rush into any serious relationships right now. 100% reasonable. And, it kind of did make sense. It would have been difficult not to become serious very quickly considering how close we were. On top of not wanting to risk our friendship and not wanting anything serious, I suspected that she simply didn’t feel the same way.

At the end of it all, Sarah asked me if I needed some space to process, or if I wanted her to step out of the apartment for a while. That’s right, Sarah literally volunteered to leave her own home during her own party to make me comfortable. I of course told her that was ridiculous and did my best to carry on normally. I wanted to be cool about it for both of our sake. Alas, I ended up making multiple trips to the bathroom for secret crying sessions, and eventually I ducked out early so that I could cry peacefully in my car—and my bed, and my shower, and everywhere else for the next few days.

Yikes. Funny how it hadn’t even hit me until that moment that I’d been making the very same dumb mistakes I read about all the time on AO3. I filled myself up with hope that wasn’t there and nearly ruined everything because of it.

I tried moving on without much luck. I tried remaining friends with moderate success. Perhaps that’s being too pessimistic. Honestly, my friendship with Sarah is stronger than ever. It’s just that almost two months after Jazz Night I finally had to have another talk with Sarah—one where I confessed how hurt I’d been over the whole ordeal. I apologized for my mishandling of the situation, and she apologized for hers. Honestly, we both had a good idea of what we’d been getting ourselves into at the start of it, but we did it anyway.

Am I over Sarah? Not if I’m being honest. But my priority has been and will always be protecting our friendship, and I think she’s on the same page as me there. I hang out with both her and Katie routinely, and I’m doing everything in my power to fix this. I don’t think it’s as big a deal for Sarah as it is me in that she doesn’t have to alter her feelings. I don’t want her to change her behavior either—because our amazing friendship is why I fell for her, she didn’t do anything to make me uncomfortable.

So we’re carrying on. I guess this is an ongoing story, but the fake-dating part is over as are the fanfiction tropes that seem to have overtaken my life for a hot minute. I just thought it was so interesting—interesting enough to share I suppose.

(Honestly part of me things this would make a good story if I went back and documented these events in more detail—like, I dunno, multiple chapters or something idk. If anyone got this far and would be interested in that lemme know. It’s my real life but for once that’s actually quite interesting.)

#story time #yes this is true #should I write it out on more detail?#fanfiction #but it’s real life #fanfic #I’m a disaster gay #lgbt #why am I sharing this #might delete later? who knows

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subvertingyourexpectations · 5 years ago

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Top Ten Films of 2019

2019 was… I’m gonna be honest, not a very great year for cinema. Aside from a handful of standouts, I have seen very few things that completely blew me away. Especially given the past few years, we haven’t gotten a Roma, or a Phantom Thread, or a Denis Villeneuve movie. Anyway, this is my top ten favorite films of 2019.

But first…

Films That Would Make It But Didn’t “Technically” Come Out in 2019

Long Day’s Journey into Night

I already talked at length about this film, but I love it to pieces. It has twisted the visual language of cinema into its own beautiful and bizarre version, crafting a puzzle box of a movie that I absolutely adored. But, it technically came out at the end of 2018, so it can’t be on the list.

Tigers Are Not Afraid

If you like foreign films, this is a must-see. If you like tragic dramas anchored by some terrific child actor performances, this is a must-see. If you like horror movies, well, it’s not really a horror movie but people keep describing it as one, so you should probably see it. It’s a beautiful little imaginative tale about the effects of the drug war on orphaned kids, and if you can catch it on streaming I would definitely check it out. But, even though it came out in limited release in August, it came out in Mexico in 2017, so I can’t include it.

One Cut of the Dead

Maybe the most original film I’ve seen in years? The first half is a terrific little zombie flick all in one camera shot, and somehow the second half expands on this and is ten times better. Watching this in a packed house was one of my favorite moviegoing experiences of the year. It’s one of the most funny and, again, original movies I’ve seen in years.

Shadow

UGH ALL THE GREAT FOREIGN FILMS DIDN’T COME OUT IN 2019. Anyway this movie is incredible and is maybe the best use of grayscale I’ve seen in any film.

Movies That Might’ve Made the List But I Sadly Have Not Seen Them Yet

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Pain and Glory

1917

Bad Education

Little Women

The Souvenir

Okay, now onto the actual list…

10. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt and James Gray’s remake of Apocalypse Now in space is maybe the weirdest premise for a movie, and yet I really enjoyed Ad Astra. There’s clearly some touches of studio interference that make this movie worse (read: Brad Pitt’s narration), but the underlying themes of anxiety and depression are some of the best I’ve seen on screen. Couple that with Brad Pitt’s best performance of the year (yes), the visual splendor on display, and this movie is an easy inclusion in my top ten of the year.

9. Uncut Gems

I need to go lie down. After really enjoying the Safdie Brothers’ previous films (Good Time and Heaven Knows What), I was really excited for this movie, and I was not let down. The frenetic, dare-I-say crackhead energy that the Safdies are able to convey in their films is immensely satisfying to watch, and the way Adam Sandler channels it is one of my favorite performances of the year. The last twenty minutes of this movie is just pure panic attack.

8. The Irishman

Somehow Scorsese’s 209-minute long epic is one of the most watchable films of the year. This is just a terrific example of everyone firing on all cylinders; the performances are great, the script is great, the editing is unbelievable (this movie feels like it is two hours long), and the directing and thematic development towards the third act is some of Scorsese’s best.

7. The Farewell

A calling card for director Lulu Wang as much as it is for Awkwafina in dramatic roles, The Farewell is an absolute delight. The family dynamics throughout all feel refreshingly authentic, and the film masterfully weaves between its comedic moments and tragic undertones. If it wasn’t for some choices made at the ending, this would probably rank higher on my list.

6. El Camino

How bad was 2019 for film? A Breaking Bad movie is my sixth favorite film of the year. It doesn’t matter if we “needed” this movie or not, El Camino is just so incredibly well-made and enjoyable. It’s always a pleasure seeing something new in the Breaking Bad universe, but more than that I think this film is a genuinely beautiful swan song for one of the greatest characters in television.

5. Waves

This movie is meandering, aimless, pretentious, and completely style over substance. And yet, the last half hour of this movie hit me harder than almost anything this year. Regardless of how you feel about the characters, I feel like Waves has an overwhelmingly positive message in the end, which is to grow away from your hatred and learn to forgive and love. I’m sure many people will find the way this movie gets to that message to be kind of pointless and wandering, but to me it just turned a pretty good film into one of my favorites of the year.

4. The Mustang

My local 3-screen art house closed in April of this year. I went there as often as I could, because they were the only theater in town that would play a lot of independent and foreign films. It was the first place I saw Roma, and the first (and, let’s face it, last) time I saw Stalker on the big screen. The last night they were open, I went and saw The Mustang, not based on anything to do with the movie, just because I wanted to be there one last time. It was completely sold out, far busier than I’d ever seen them. In the past I’d always had free roam of where to sit, but that last night I was in the third row from the front.

If Ad Astra is about depression, then The Mustang is about anger, and learning to overcome your anger and grow as a person. It’s about a prison in Nevada that has a rehabilitation program where violent convicts train wild Mustangs, which are later sold to local ranches and farms. Roman (a terrific performance from Matthias Schoenaerts) is one such convict, and his personal struggle to overcome his anger is beautifully realized against the backdrop of having to fight a wild animal. (Seriously, he goes in swinging and it does not end well for him.) It’s a great story, and it’s a must-watch if you haven’t seen it. The emotional ending coupled with the fact that my favorite theater was closing left me a complete wreck when the credits rolled. (I’m starting to realize my top five films all just boil down to “the ending wrecked me”.)

3. The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part

This is like The Mustang but for kids.

Okay okay, hear me out, I only saw this movie once when it first came out 11 months ago, and I’m not ever watching it again because I thought it was perfection. I feel like on a repeat visit the songs will become grating, the plot will feel ridiculous, and the themes of toxic masculinity that I appreciated so dearly will seem like faint whispers instead of clear subtext. And yet in the theater, I absolutely adored the songs and the plot and the clear subtext about being a better brother/man. The real-world parallels that were a surprise twist at the end of the first film are used beautifully in The Second Part, because the plot is simply just one big metaphor for a little sister who wants to play with her older brother. It’s touching, it’s funny, and it gets stuck inside your heart. It’s such a shame that the LEGO film franchise is all but dead, because if we had kept getting films like this, children’s movies would definitely be better for it.

2. Parasite

Everything fantastic about this film has already been said about it by people far smarter than me, so I’ll just say this: it is every bit as amazing as people hyped it up to be. This movie is a biting satire, a laugh-out-loud comedy, and an edge of your seat thriller. It has left an imprint on my brain since I first saw it back in October, to the point where as much as I have tried to analyze and dissect, this film, I don’t know if there’s a single flaw with it, there’s genuinely nothing I would change about this movie. If you see one movie this year, it should be Parasite.

1. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

In July of 2019, I had to make probably the biggest decision of my (brief) career thus far. I was going to leave my management position at a 24-screen theater I’d loved dearly to go work in an office. I loved everything about the movie theater, I’d worked there for almost four years, but at a certain point it just had diminishing returns. Newer upper management and constant changes coming down from the big-whigs had turned my favorite building into a place I started to resent, a place I didn’t recognize. I tried to fight the change, and re-institute everything I loved about this building that I practically grew up in, but you can’t fight change, and you shouldn’t romanticize the past.

I’ve never seen these themes more realized in film than in The Last Black Man in San Francisco. It tells the story of Jimmie Fails, a native San Franciscan who has to watch the city he’s loved his whole life descend into a rapidly gentrified hellscape that leaves many homeless and helpless. He often visits his childhood home, a beautiful three-story house with a “witch hat” on top, now owned by an older white couple. This doesn’t stop him from romanticizing the house, romanticizing the past, as he constantly visits and attempts to fix up the house, oftentimes clashing with the current inhabitants.

This disdain from the couple is an all-too-real parallel message that he’s getting from the city itself: You’re not welcome here anymore. Much as Jimmie has tied his identity to this home, and this city, he is hardly welcome in either. But for one brief instant, he gets to live his dream. The house gets stuck in a familial dispute, causing the older couple to move out. Leaving behind a big empty house that no one is occupying, Jimmie and his best friend Montgomery decide to just move right in, and have their way. They bring in all the old furniture from Jimmie’s childhood, they paint the walls, repair the original woodworking, all in service of Jimmie’s dream to simply exist in this space, and preserve something sacred.

Eventually though, reality comes crashing down, and try as he might, Jimmie can’t stay in the house, and he has to learn a hard truth: you cannot tie yourself emotionally to a physical space. Whether it’s a house, a city, a job, you simply cannot love something that doesn’t love you back. You will get hurt every time.

But it’s so easy to love. It’s so easy to play the piano in the entranceway of your childhood home. It’s so easy to relax in the sauna upstairs, or smoke on the balcony, or just lay on the floor and admire the witch hat. The Last Black Man in San Francisco makes you fall in love with this house, and with Jimmie and Montgomery, and as much as we see ourselves in them, we too have to learn the same lessons. As much as we want to inhabit a space, and get the fullest potential out of it, you cannot ever stop change, and you cannot stand in the way of it without going insane.

And maybe it was just because I was going through this personal development the first time I saw this movie, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. It stuck in my brain so much that by the time I saw it a second time, I was a complete mess; I cried four times. I cried for Jimmie, I cried for the house, and I cried for myself. I cried for the things we all lost, the things that would never be the same, and because we would have to learn to accept that. This is what’s so beautiful about The Last Black Man in San Francisco, and on top of the phenomenal acting, emotional script, and gorgeous visuals, it’s what made it my favorite film of the year.

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xialing-gf · 6 years ago

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she (mj x reader)

7th installment in my songfic series

Summary (based on the song She by dodie): falling in love with your best friend, mj, was a wild, but beautiful journey

Wc: 2201

Tw: questioning of sexuality, coming out to not really accepting parents

Playlist (Listen to while reading this fic!):

❀she by dodie

❀growing pains by coin

❀bad ideas by tessa violet

❀smithereens by twenty one pilots

❀focus by allie x

“I am so glad to be here today. I never thought I would ever be standing here. If you told me I was going to be giving a speech at a Pride Parade as the representative of my high school’s GSA club five years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. I’m so grateful for everything that has helped me turn into the person I am today. I’m so glad to have been through this journey, despite its low moments and confusing aspects. But if I hadn’t ever questioned who I was, I might’ve never ended up with the love of my life, who in fact, is standing right in front of me right now,” The pride sticker Michelle stuck on your face shifted as you smiled, gesturing to your girlfriend who was standing at the front of the crowd.

MJ waved, blushing a faint, cherry cola red color spreading across her cheeks as everybody clapped and cheered. Your hands were shaking under the podium out of fear but you kept your voice strong and steady as you conveyed your speech to the crowd. You never imagined this moment happening and was still to try to comprehend the importance and full scale of this event that you were speaking at.

“So many of you here today have found yourself or are in the process of finding yourself. If you haven’t found yourself yet, that’s completely okay. Today, I’m going to be sharing my journey with you to let you how rocky the road truly is. The struggle LGBT+ people go through on a daily basis is never explicitly discussed so I hope after I share my story with you, more people will come forward and share their stories of love, heartbreak, struggle, pain, and discovery,” Your smile grew wider as your statement earned a smatter of applause. As you gazed into the audience, you looked into people’s eyes, emotionally bonding with them through an unspoken, shared struggle. “It all began when…”

“... can we go to the park again? Mom, we’re done with the coloring pages the teachers gave to us,” You glanced hopefully up at your mom with Michelle, who was flashing puppy eyes by your side, and crossed your fingers behind your back, hoping for her to say yes. Your mother seemed reluctant and a little apprehensive of your request, but after a thought or two, she gave in.

“Alright, you two can go to the park. Come back before dinner!” Your mother called after you and MJ as you both took off the moment you heard the word “alright”. You and MJ loved going to a local park and creating flower crowns and all your kindergarten classmates envied the flower petals stuck in MJ’s hair and the twigs tangled in yours. Everybody, even those with best friends, envied your bond with MJ.

After finishing homework at your house or MJ’s, you and Michelle usually went to the park and in addition to braiding flowers into each other’s hair and making flower crowns, you both explored the playground, swung on swings, and played hide-and-seek. Sometimes, Michelle climbed up the large willow tree that moped on the vibrant green field nearby and encourage you to join her up in the branches and leaves. You attempted to climb up the tree a couple times but always chickened out.

As time passed, you and Michelle grew older and suddenly, the playground was too small for the both of you. In 2nd grade, you both were already making plans to explore the entire world, vowing to one day leave New York and travel to Australia, Europe, Africa, and every other possible place. By 3rd grade, you both created and wore friendship rings on your thumbs that later barely fit on your pinkie.

5th grade was when you and Michelle began to have sleepovers every Saturday night and continued this tradition even until now. At first, sleepovers were like any other play date but extended throughout the night. You would play many card and board games (except for monopoly; you and Michelle decided it was a game for boring adults) and as you grew older, it became video games like Just Dance and Wii Sports.

In 7th grade, you and Michelle stopped playing games during these sleepovers and began to talk about life and the absurdity of society. Sleepovers were almost like a what’s-wrong-with-society-and-how-we-can-fix-it club as your love for activism was rooted in your discussions with Michelle. One day, you brought up the topic of the LGBT+ community that twisted your perspective on life in a different direction.

“So, what are your thoughts on the LGBT community?” You asked, staring up at the ceiling as you lay next to her in your sleeping bag. Crickets chirped outside Michelle’s window as a momentary silence fell over the both of you after you asked.

“Well, I’m… actually part of the community,” Michelle slowly answered, an unfamiliar tone coating her words. During all of the years you knew Michelle, you never had heard her use such an uncertain tone. She was always confident, slightly aggressive, and unapologetically herself. But the tone she used when stating she was part of the LGBT community made her sound fragile and cautious.

“Oh, okay,” You nodded slowly, hoping to express that you weren’t that shocked when in reality, you were very surprised Michelle wasn’t heterosexual. But then again, Michelle was unbelievably talented at keeping secrets. “I’m lesbian. By the way,” Michelle reluctantly added, hoping that it would clear up her previous, vague statement a bit more. You offered a small smile and nodded again, remembering the article you read about how to react if somebody came out to you. It wasn’t like you weren’t used to people who were part of the LGBT+ community-there were a couple bisexual and gay people in your grade-but it was sort of shocking realizing the person you thought you knew the most had kept something from you for a long time.

The peaceful silence turned into an uncomfortable one and Michelle awkwardly asked, “You don’t mind, do you? Me being a lesbian isn’t going to ruin our friendship, right? Are we going to stop having sleepovers?”

“No, of course not! Just because you’re lesbian, it doesn’t change anything between us. You’re still the same old Michelle,” You reassured Michelle quickly, hoping that she didn’t get a wrong impression of your feelings by the silence. It was a lot to process, and there was a nagging thought at the back of your mind that resurfaced during this conversation.

“Oh, good. Well, let’s call it a night. I’m kind of tired,” Michelle announced, rolling over in her bed and pulling her blankets up to her shoulders. “Night.”

“Night,” You mumbled back as you nestled yourself in your sleeping bag, trying to not think too much about the conversation. Eventually, you managed to fall asleep, but when you woke up, you realized what had been bothering you. You never entertained the idea that you liked girls but when Michelle admitted she did, for some reason, it seemed to open up new doors and for the first time in your life, you started wondering if you weren’t straight.

Throughout eighth grade, you constantly suffered through an inner turmoil of questioning your sexuality. You had always thought girls were extremely pretty but never had the guts to admit it. Ever since a young age, heterosexuality was established as a norm. You never really considered any of your affections for girls until now. Now that you knew a label for these different kinds of feelings for people, you began to question everything you learned from a young age.

Michelle has a suspicion that was something was on your mind and asked you almost constantly why you were zoning out or what you were thinking about, but you always brushed it off with a simple “I’m tired, that’s all”. You didn’t want to talk about your feelings and thoughts because you were afraid that if you said what was on your mind aloud, it would make all your thoughts true.

Soon, you couldn’t hold it in any longer and one day, you looked at yourself in the mirror, took a deep breath in and admitted out loud, “I think I might not be straight.”

The shattering, screaming silence after your words was deafening, and you realized that now that you admitted it out loud, your life made sense. You still had no idea what label to put on yourself and it took months for you to finally match your feelings to a name: bisexual.

You worked up the nerve to tell Michelle when you two were eating lunch under the cool shade of a giant tree. You had put down your sandwich and cleared your throat before you spoke, “MJ, I have something to tell you.”

“Hm?” Michelle looked up from her lunch, her eyes widening with curiosity. One of her curls fell across her forehead and she brushed it aside, leaning a bit more forward to give you her undivided attention.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m bisexual. I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” You tried not to rush your words like you did when you were nervous. Surprisingly, Michelle didn’t really react all that much; she simply nodded her head and replied, “Cool. Thanks for telling me.”

After Michelle’s reaction, your unreasonable worries that she wouldn’t accept you faded away. Nothing changed between you two and in fact, your confession had brought you closer together.

High school started and you were faced with an array of new variables to deal with including an increase in homework assignments and tests. Additionally, you and Michelle welcomed Peter Parker and Ned Leeds into your friend group. There was also a Gay-Straight Alliance club that you and Michelle were debating on joining.

Freshmen year was mostly a year if you trying to figure out how high school worked. Sophomore year was when you worked on your personal life. You came out to your parents and since they were traditional-type parents, they had a hard time understanding what “bisexual” meant. They weren’t a hundred percent supportive and implied that they didn’t really accept you yet based on their limited knowledge of the term, but they hadn’t really gotten mad at you so you took that as a positive sign.

Another change in your life was that you and Michelle decided to join the GSA. You both began helping out with raising awareness and advocating for equality for people of all genders, sexualities, and races in school by making posters and volunteering at fundraising events.

You also began studying with Michelle after school at the library and you would often get distracted and start writing notes in the corner of Michelle’s notebook. She would reply to those notes and you would have full on conversations with her through writing. One day, when you both were stringing together a silly story through a jumble of words, you glanced at Michelle and realized how beautiful she looked with her curls spilling across her forehead and a smile illuminated by the sunlight. Suddenly, you realized that you were crushing on your best friend.

Junior year was the year you worked up the courage to ask Michelle out. Peter and Ned had been pressuring you to ask Michelle out to a school dance ever since you admitted you had a crush on her. After you and Michelle watched a movie together (as friends), you drove her home and while you walked her to the door, you asked, “Hey MJ, you know how prom is in a month, right? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me to prom as a date.”

“I’d be delighted,” Michelle smiled, blushing in the dim shine of the house’s porch light. Once she went into her house, you held your triumphant excitement until you got into your car.

Prom was better than you had ever imagined. You and Michelle danced together during the slow dance but when the DJ began playing “hype songs”, you both left prom to get sushi. You and Michelle never really officially determined when you started dating. Sometime after prom, you and Michelle began calling hanging out dates and holding hands in hallways. Kissing and cuddling were saved for when you both had time alone.

Senior year was the year when you were elected as representative of the GSA, meaning that you would represent your school’s GSA at public events. Michelle was elected as the president, which didn’t come as a surprise since she actively participated in the club the most. And now…

“... I’m standing here in front of all of you, hoping that my story has reminded you all of how hard the journey of finding yourself is,” You spoke into the microphone, standing up straighter and looking into people’s eyes.

“The world is a complicated place and one day, if this day hasn’t come to you already, you will find who you are and who you love. Thank you for listening.”

The crowd cheered and clapped, but the only person you were paying attention to was the love of your life, Michelle Jones.

go to my marvel page on my tumblr for more marvel fics!

search the tag #sam’s songfic series for more songfics in this series!

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themarchblessing · 6 years ago

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FELIZ CUMPLEANOS

SABRINA

It’s finally my birthday and it felt so good to wake up this morning! Much to my surprise the plans had changed a bit and so my friends and I are in Vegas now. I cried when I dropped Zay off at Rochelle’s house for two reasons. One is because ever since Izaiah was born I have spent every birthday with him. Two is because I miss him so much. And it didn’t help that he kept saying how much he would miss me too. Even though I have no doubt that Rochelle will take such good care of him, I still miss my baby boy. I even cried when we boarded our plane yesterday because of how far away I would be from my son. Corey let me sleep on him the entire flight. I didn’t want to be awake since I was so in my feelings over leaving Zay back in New York. Corey being with me helps to cushion the pain quite a bit.

The group for this trip is full of pairs. There’s Corey and I, Ravyn and Devontae, Brian and Carli, Angie and Jordan, and lastly Tori and Dave. Having couples only was a brilliant idea. Corey added himself to the team of party planners so I know whatever they’ve got set up is going to be wild. I got a tip from Ray that Corey has a really big surprise for me but I don’t believe her. He’s already given me three thousand dollar heels, two stackable diamond eternity bands, a star, and he paid the rent to my house four months in advance alongside my car note. Let me not forgot about this beautiful locket around my neck. This man is too good to be true and I get to say he’s all mine.

Ravyn thought I was playing around when I told her that Corey spoils the hell out of me. I was not. The only thing I ask Corey to do is pick up Izaiah from school because I can’t get away from work by the time he gets out. That’s it. Anything else is Corey’s own doing. The first order of business when we got to the hotel and checked into our rooms was a three hour trip to the spa for me. I planned on taking a shower to go explore the strip with everyone but Corey had my spa visit all set up from the moment we landed. I felt so good and lose once I met him back at the room. I returned the favor using sex as what seemed like the only way to show him how happy and grateful I am to him.

The sound of knocking erupted throughout the room. I haven’t heard from anyone all day, I’ve been up since ten this morning and it’s now reaching 8:45 in the evening. Corey was here earlier I know that for a fact because the scent of his cologne lingered throughout the suite the second I woke. And I know he left early this morning because I was all up under him all night.

“Quien esta ahi!?” I called out, tying my robe close. I looked through the door seeing Ravyn and Carli standing outside of my door. Pulling the door back I came face to face with the girls who were holding bags in both of their hands. Ray had a small duffle on her shoulder and Carly had a medium size red and grey suitcase at her side. “Where the hell have you two been all day? Where has everyone been?” I interrogated them briefly as they shuffled past me.

“Well miss thing we had shit to do so be quiet and lead us to where we can get ready. The other girls are just finishing up and they’ll be here in about an hour.” Ravyn assured me.

Stepping aside I ushered them into bathroom where they can begin to set up. “Where is Corey? I haven’t heard back from him since this morning. He just snuck out like I wouldn’t notice.” Taking my hair out from under the robe I broke up my curls watching Carli laugh.

“Don’t worry your pretty lil’ head about that man. Let him do what he’s gotta do. You’ll have him back tonight. Now come and sit down.” Carli guided me to the bench at the vanity, sitting me down and pushing me close to the mirror. “Ravyn says you don’t have a clue what to do with your head..” Carli stood behind me massaging my scalp.

“Mmm..if that ain’t the truth. I was thinking when I got out of the shower this morning that maybe a braided ponytail would look nice. But you’re in charge here tonight. I do want you to keep it out of my face though. I need a break from this curly mess.”

“I have an idea. Just relax birthday girl.” She advised.

Carli worked on my hair tirelessly for over an hour. When she finished I couldn’t believe how much my hair has grown over the last few weeks. I know that I had said to keep it out of my face but I’m loving the results of this blowout.

“I know you said that y-“

Disagreeing with the shake of my head I rose from the chair, fully inspecting my hair. I am beyond impressed at Carli’s efforts to tame my mane. My natural curl pattern is difficult to manage at times which is part of the reason I don’t much to my hair. “Thank you so much, you did an amazing job and I absolutely love it.” Tucking some hair behind my ear I gave her a warm hug.

“It was nothing. I had a feeling you’d end up liking a nice blowout. Besides, it’s your birthday and you deserve to look the best.” She put on some final touches, spritzing all of my hair with some hair fragrance that swept me off my own feet.

“Well look at you, this really feels like deja vu.” Ravyn complimented coming into view with a dress bag in her grasp. “Oh baby girl you look beautiful. You remind of Paola from Pasíon Morena.” She smiled.

Turning around I stared at her with curiosity wondering what’s in the bag. Ravyn sensed where I was coming from and opened up the bag that contained a brand new dress since the one I originally picked was no longer available as of yesterday evening. So the situation with my original dress is sensitive. I found a store on the strip that had this gorgeous creme and rose gold dress. I called to have them hold it but once I went to get it, some girl had already bought the piece. Pissed was an understatement. Luckily I found a dress that blows the other out the water.

“You think he’ll like it?” Going over to Ravyn I took the dress and hung it up on the door smoothing out the fabric. Glazing my palms over the short gown I smirked at the soft hue of purple that Izaiah picked out for me. I love satin and silk material so much and I know this dress will be super comfy to party in tonight. It’s cut very low cut in the front, it’s racerback style and the fabric is lightweight. I don’t have any satin pieces in my closet so I’m happy that this is the look I get to go out with tonight. Not to mention this beautiful ivory color that will compliment my complexion so well.

Growing up as multiracial to a Panamanian mom and a Black/Colombian father and seeing my skin tone change over time made it hard for me to accept myself. I was born a super light complexioned baby and grew up with the same shade until I was about ten years old. On my tenth birthday I started noticing my fairly tan color transform into this medium tan. Now that I’m a grown woman my color has evened out nicely. I don’t really like to put my color into a specific category but I’m not your typical Afro-Latina woman. I’m so much more comfortable now with the way I look because my parents made sure to remind me how beautiful I was everyday.

“Like? That fool loves the way you look with no clothes on so I’m sure he’ll love you in this. Go get dressed while we get ready now. Keep an ear out for Angie and Tori.” The three of us broke off into our own thing and the closer it came time to go out I kept thinking about Corey. I’m not sure where he is or what he’s up to but I really want to see him.

Just I as I was getting ready to call him I heard a knock on the door. Taking my slippers off and replacing them with my shoes I ran my hands over my hair, feeling nervous all of a sudden. Not by much but enough to make me second guess my appearance, contemplating what else I can do to my outfit or makeup. I quickly went to answer the door seeing someone covering their face with a bouquet of flowers. Shaking my head and smiling halfway at the gesture I pulled the door back.

“I had a feeling you were looking for me so I said let me get my ass up there and ease her mind.” For the first time all day I get to lay eyes on Corey. Who just so happens to look like a completely different person.

“You got a haircut!” I gasped stepping into the doorway to touch and feel all over his hair. “Wow, it’s so soft. Why did you cut it all off?” Going over his hair in the proper direction I pulled him inside the room and shut the door with my foot.

“I wanted to do something different. I’ve been growing my hair out since I came back and today just felt like a good day to make a change. You like it?” He asked setting my flowers on the counter beside us.

“Yeah I love it. You look just like your sixteen year old self but much sexier.” I beamed with joy that he’s coincidentally matching my color scheme tonight. Wrapping my arms around his neck I out of habit scratched at the base of his neck. “Where have you been all day? I missed you.” Now that I’m dressed and ready to go I recalled spending the first part of my birthday completely alone.

“Aw baby you missed me?” He teased drawing me in closer. His hands cuffed the curve of my ass, fingertips fanned out and enjoying the material covering my body.

“Well if you’re going to be funny about it then I take it back.” Laying my cheek against his shoulder I shuddered at the tickling sensation my hair brought to me. All of my hair covered the exposed skin of my back providing me with warmth.

“Let me guess Ravyn did this huh?” He assumed, meddling in my hair.

“Nope, guess again,” Standing on my own I backed away to give him a full preview of my look for the night.

“Carli did your hair? By herself?” Corey nodded in approval, taking my hand and spinning me in a full 360 circle. The act made me feel like a new cut diamond on display in a case. He stopped turning me leaving me facing towards the room that the girls are in.

“How do I look?” I asked needing a little more reaction to my appearance.

“There aren’t words in the dictionary to describe how beautiful you are.” He complimented coming to stand behind me. He wrapped both arms around my waist leading me across our suite and outside to our private terrace that looks out onto the strip. The warm air and the joyful sounds of distant people enjoying their night ease my mind.

“I know I say this a lot but thank you.” I began quietly, leaning back against his chest. “You have no idea how happy and blessed I am to have a man like you in my life. Everything that you do for me and Izaiah makes me the happiest woman walking this earth.” Turning around his embrace I slid my hands up to his chest and up to his hair. I love playing in Corey’s hair any chance I get but now that he’s got a haircut I’m more intrigued to touch him.

He gazes down at me longingly, teasing my spine with something hard. I turned my head to look over my shoulder and Corey made one hand visible to show me a little box that came out of nowhere. The box is the same shape as what houses earrings so maybe he got me a match to go with the rings.

Breathlessly chuckling at his ability to always keep me on the edge of my seat I looked at the box again. “Mas regalos, Corey? Do you have anything else to do besides spend money on me?” I smirked.

“Para nada,” He smirked too, loving the shock in my eyes most of all. “I think of it as me wanting you to never forget how special you are to me. Not much has changed between us. But now that you’re the leading lady in my life you get the full works. Happy birthday..again, open it.” He encouraged, playing my hair.

With a smirk on my face I opened the little box with excitement. “No entiendo papa..” I chuckled nervously.

“Go there.” He said simply.

“Pero, Corey, por que? Donde esta esto?”

“Just go. Don’t ask me questions, just go there okay? Please.” Corey kissed me tenderly and walked off. I watched him leave out the door without looking back or any odd movements. Curious to solve this little mystery I went back in the room and grabbed what I needed for the night. As I was heading out the door I noticed another small box on the counter. Picking it up and opening it I read the instructions, removing another hotel key card.

“Great, a scavenger hunt.” I muttered. Continuing on with Corey’s little game I took the elevator up to the roof like the paper instructed me to. When I made it to the top I had a maze of doors to get through. What kind of hotel is this? Corey better not get me or himself into trouble because he wants play games.

Pulling out the extra key card I held it up over the keypad watching the flash turn green. A clicking sounding gave away that I could open this door. I searched for something heavy to hold it open. I’m fine with getting locked out of a room but being stuck on a roof is not in my plans tonight.

Bright lights flashed over me. I turned to my left not expecting to see the sight before me.

“No way.” I gasped. “What in the hell is this man up to?” Securing the door with another big rock I dusted my hands off and pulled down the hem of my dress. I don’t see Corey but I can say that this journey up here was worth the mystery. A large screen was set up in the corner placed behind a small round table and one single chair. Leading up to the table is a gracious pathway of sunflower petals.

After following the trail, I sat down at the table finding another card. The rules to follow were simple. Sit back, relax, and press play using the remote in the center of the table. The screen changed from black to white and then a clip began to roll.

“In case you forgot how much you meant to me, here are some reflections of the past to help you remember.” Corey said. The first image on the screen is a classic. The first picture that was ever taken of Corey and I. His parents invited me to one of his little league baseball games. Back in September of 1989 I think. Corey and his team ended up winning that game by three points all thanks to him.

The images that followed that one definitely helped me to reflect on some good times he and I have had. It’s truly amazing to see how long we’ve been in each other’s lives. He’s impacted my life in so many great ways and vice versa. I got to see pictures from our childhood, our adolescence, and lastly our college years. That’s when my emotions started to run wild. College was a roller coaster for me. I didn’t grow up sheltered but going away to college sure made it seem like I hadn’t lived at all. And the one mistake I wish I could go back and undo was getting to know Aaron Jonell “Ace” Bradley.

“Way to make a girl cry on her birthday Corey.” I sniffles. Dabbing the corner of my eyes with a tissue I pressed on with watching this slideshow of pictures. Another five minutes of good memories to view brought up one final video message. This one seems quite lengthy.

“I’m sorry for making you cry and taking you on a scavenger hunt. But I knew that in order to keep the element of surprise I had to make it worth your while. Our relationship and our friendship is one of the most important bonds I have ever formed with anybody. Although you’ve been one of my dearest friends for so many years I feel like I owe you so much more. I don’t ever want to forget that we were friends first and that is why I love you as much as I do today. When you were away I always hoped you would come back home. Back to me. Not having you in my life for so long hurt me so much. I think that’s when I started denying any feelings that I had for you. Your return to New York answered my prayers and from there I started to understand that my parents and Brian were right. I couldn’t stop comparing other women to you. It was you that I kept looking for in every past fling that I had. No other woman compares to you Bri. They don’t stand a chance. And seeing you be a mother and take care of your child before my very eyes is what threw me for a loop. I’m rambling now but that’s ok. All I’m trying to say is this, no matter what happens I will always love you. I never again want to feel the pain of losing you. So with that said, I have a very important question to ask you.”

Furrowing my eyebrows I watched the screen go black but the red writing on it made me too emotional to turn around.

“Quiero estar contigo para siempre..” I whispered.

“I hope you feel the same way.” That’s when I turned around. I knew it was Corey.

He stood there with his hands behind his back. He changed into a full blown tux just without the tie. When did he have time to change and set all of this up?

My body and thought process froze in astonishment. Even from here I was able to meet Corey’s eyes feeding off his energy.

“Tell me this isn’t what I think it is..” I mumbled so quietly. Standby up from the table I sucked in a huge breath of air.

“Come over here so I can tell you the rest.” He suggested. The smile on his face makes me feel secure. I’ve never seen him this happy.

Doing as he said I felt surprised when he nestled a sunflower behind my left ear. My favorite flowers as a child that my dad always brought home for me on Sunday evenings. Corey used to always bring me hand picked bouquets when he was making up for something bad that he had done, trying to apologize, or persuade me into something.

He revealed his hands to me, holding a little red box. The Cartier label on it did it. I turned to the side not able to handle this all at once. “Oh my god..” I whispered thinking of anything to make me laugh.

“Sabrina..” he said tugging on my hand.

I shook my head promptly, biting my lip, looking out at the other buildings and hotels. The ongoing nightlife of Vegas was the perfect distraction from this moment.

“Lori, look at me baby, come on.” He kindly requested.

After a minute or so I gave into his demand and paid full attention to the man on one knee, right now before me.

“I know this new path we’ve been on has been a short one but I don’t care. I’ve known you since we were little kids and of all the women I’ve messed around with and dated, you’re the only one that’s made me feel this way. It never mattered to me what new girl I dated over the years because I always managed to see you in them. I meant it when I said you were the reason I couldn’t settle down. I was in denial with how I really felt about you and I’m sorry. I’m no longer confused, lost, or in denial..none of that shit. Not anymore. I know for a fact that I love you dearly and don’t ever want to see you with anybody else. And I damn sure don’t want you to ever leave me again.” Corey softly took a hold of my hand and kept the small box is his other hand. “Sabrina Delores Guerrero..” he began proudly.

Putting my free hand to his soft lips I silently begged for him not to continue. Not because I don’t want to hear anymore but because I’m in shock and I need a minute to process this. I never saw this coming. He always keeps me on my toes but this right here is not what I ever even suspected to happen with him. We’ve been dating for a hot minute and already he wants to give me a ring. Then again, we’ve had something brewing between us for a long time now.

Maybe I too was in denial about my feelings for Corey all along. In college he managed to stir up feelings even when I was dating other guys. I just never acknowledged them or acted upon them. That’s not the type of woman I am. He’s always made me feel safe, comfortable and special unlike past ex’s.

“You’re not gonna let me finish?” He smiled, seemingly comfortable where he is. My fingers haven’t strayed from his lips as he just stared into my eyes looking like I was heaven on earth.

“Corey, if I let you finish I’m gonna need to redo all the work I put in on my face. I have a lot of makeup on that I don’t want to do over.” Taking a deep breath I allowed him to wrap up his speech.

“Te casas conmigo?” As he spoke he simultaneously unveiled the ring that blew me out of the water. I’ve never seen a ring so beautiful in my life. It’s my dream engagement ring. It’s everything that I’ve ever wanted. Down to the cut, color, clarity and size.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed. “Corey, how..when..what!?” I quizzed. He just smiled and pushed the ring up my finger. Rising to his feet he held me close. “Are you sure you that want to take this step with me?” I accept his hand without any doubts but I still want to make sure that this is what he wants.

“Yes.” He answered boldly. “Without a doubt. I don’t care about anything else but you, Izaiah, my family and Brian. I don’t know what we’ll get into later in life but I do know that I want to be with you as long as I’m living. If you’ll have me too that is.”

This declaration of why he wants to take this, take us, to a whole new level is the tone setter for this entire night. I wonder what else this man can possibly have up his sleeve.

-----------------

“¿Que tengo que hacer pa que vuelvas conmigo? Vamos a dejar el pasado atrás..” Ravyn and I sang simultaneously like no one was around to watch. This birthday celebration has surely been one to remember. After Corey surprised the hell out of me by proposing the night has been so much fun. Everyone is having such an amazing time equally and we’re all faded off our asses. The guys, Tori and Angie have burned through four blunts so they’re all super high. Carli, Ravyn, and myself stuck with the liquid courage but we had a little extra boost as well. I won’t say too much to Corey because I don’t want him to be too concerned with my well-being but I laced my own drinks with some party favors that Ravyn brought along.

I don’t even know if she knows I used them but oh well!

“Yo..I can’t feel my fucking face!” Dave shouted turning to take the bottle from Devontae who looks half asleep in his seat.

“Boy you better not be asleep!” Ravyn stepped down from the table and went around to playfully smack her man in the face.

“Stop it! I’m awake. Let me enjoy my high girl..” He griped, not able to resist smiling at her. Seconds later and Ravyn was all in his lap, kissing on him.

Shaking my head at their antics I stepped down from the table as well looking around for Corey. I stopped searching for him when I felt a presence behind me. I slowly turned around coming face to face with him.

“You gotta stop doing that..” I chuckled breathlessly. Closing our distance I pushed myself on him taken aback by how cold his neck is. It sobered me up for a minute. “Were you outside?” I asked blinking rapidly.

“Yeah my pops was calling. Everything’s good. You okay?” He asked, kissing the tip of my nose.

“I’ve never been better. Thank you so much for coming here with me to celebrate my birthday. It means more to me than I have the ability to explain to have you with me on another birthday. And this one is the best one yet.” My breathing calmed down the moment I looked into his beautiful brown eyes. I used to get excited when I looked at this man back when we first kissed. But it’s like now he makes me excited but in a mental way. Being in his presence and in his arms brings me such a wonderful feeling of peace.

“You know I’d do anything for you right?” He mumbled, cuffing my ass in one hand and tracing my jawline with his index finger.

“Sin duda.” I nodded with certainty making the first move not even caring whose around to watch. Liquor makes me bold with my affection when I consume a high amount of it. Pushing into him I slipped my tongue into his mouth feeling like I got shocked. Any sort of intimacy with Corey is electric, fun, and purely satisfying to my soul.

“You obviously don’t care who's watching..do you?” He grumbled, walking to somewhere. I felt a wall connect with my back meaning we didn’t go far.

“No,” I hummed. Snaking my hand down between our bodies I fumbled with the button on his pants wanting to strip him of these clothes. The state of mind that I’m in has me wanting so badly to give everyone the show of their life. “I want you, can we get outta here for a minute?” I plead desperately, going to attack his neck with kisses. I can hear him groaning even with the music being so damn load. Swirling my tongue in circles against his flesh I gripped the lining of his pants and with gentle force pulled him as close to me as I could get him.

“Come on.” He said with lust in his tone. Corey put a stop to my little show, grabbed my hand and took me upstairs to another level of the club I didn’t know existed. We walked down a short hall coming to a door with a display sign for a manger but there are no words on it. I pushed the door open and flipped the lights on, trailing closeby. The music from downstairs followed us setting a good vibe in the room so it’s not silent.

“Is someone going to come in here?” I asked leaning up against the desk. Tapping my foot against the surface I carried on with the sounds coming from my heel and the desk itself.

“If they’re smart no one.” Corey shut the door and walked over to where I was standing. He stroked my chin, dragging his finger all over my neck and down to my chest. The warmth of his hand gave me goosebumps because of how anxious I am for what he’s going to do to me.

“What if they come looking for us?” Tilting my head to the side I felt my breathing halt and then speed up as he hiked up my dress. His hand went directly for my panties, pushing them aside to touch me with delicacy. “Hmm,” I hummed spreading my legs apart giving him the open invitation.

“I don’t care.” He shook his head, wedging his face in my neck. The passion in his kiss against my skin turned me on so much. Flashbacks popping into my mind left and right confused me at first and then the clouds settled. This is how it started. This is how we started. Our first sexual encounter happened at the club in a room similar to this.

Gasping in joyful, humorous delight I put my hands to his chest and created some space so I could see his face.

“What’s wrong?” He asked instantly.

Shaking my head I stood up straight. “I remember now. It’s all coming back to me. Our first time was the night of Brian’s party. Kind of like how tonight is going..” It’s so relieving to have my memories from that night come back to me.

“How did you figure that out?” He chuckled, continuing to touch and tease me.

“I don’t know. It just came rushing back a moment ago and it feels great to remember. Can we get out of here? I want you out of these clothes and we need space, a lot of it.” Looking into his eyes with desperation on my face I moved into him feeling my heart rate pick up.

“You want to leave now?” The confusion in his voice made me giggle relentlessly.

“Yes, yes right now.” I confidently said.

-------------------------

Stumbling into the room with me wrapped around his body, Corey somehow managed to double lock the door. I carefully hoisted myself up higher on his body careful not to dig my heels into his leg. We left Drai’s in a hurry. It was like a whirlwind and we didn’t tell anybody. Our needs paired with how fucked up we are, again, drove us to unspeakable lengths to get what we want from one another. And we’ve been apart all day so there’s a lot of pent frustration on both sides. Corey walked to the kitchen counter pushing everything off and setting me on top. Things breaking and dishes shattering made me laugh and feel slightly empathetic for whoever has to clean this up. Bubbling anxiously I laid back on some of my hair to prevent the countertop from touching my bare back.

Corey hurriedly unzipped, unbuttoned, and dropped his pants, pushing my dress up just far enough. He grabbed my thong with two hands, ripping the material with ease and some anger. The fire in his eyes and the speed of his actions aroused me even further. He lined up his pelvis perfectly with mine, teasing me ever so gently with the tip of his manhood. I watched what little I could see but threw my head back, arching my back up off the counter from his body making contact with mine. Sex with him makes me feel at home. I feel like my body was made just for him and him only.

I zoned into the large case of flowers but then I saw darkness. The comfort and pleasure in his deep, strong, and quick strokes made me emotional rather quickly. Usually it takes some time to build that emotion but not tonight. Lifting my left hand I found an edge of the counter to grip, relaxing my body and welcoming his change up in pattern. I never knew sex could feel so satisfying, sexy, and almost nurturing until I got a taste of what Corey had to offer.

“This is why you wanted to leave so quickly? You missed me?” He asked, picking up one of my legs to press against his chest.

I feel too good right now to respond verbally. I don’t know how at a time like this. I silently begged him not to talk. All that I want to hear right now is the sound of his body slamming into mine as he takes my mind further from reality. This time I sat up to take my heels off and gave them to him so he could set them aside. These are Giuseppe shoes, I can’t treat them like trash. With my feet bare I’m free to move them and my legs about without hurting him.

We traveled from the counter to the dining table, the couch, the floor, up against the glass doors, and then outside. The cool breeze brushing past us sent a chill down my spine. It’s been a minute since we got in the room but he won’t let me get mine. I’ve come close to completely defying his rule but he’s switched up on me with the location changes to ensure I could not.

“How long are you gonna make me ho-hold th-” My stammering speech came to a halt when I lost all control of my abilities to hold onto this orgasm until he told me otherwise. Being forced to not cum until you’re told is very sexy in a way and then it becomes damn near impossible. My body went limp as I finished coming down from the ride he put me on. His shoulder became my resting place. I can feel the moisture and sweat transfer from his chest to mine, bringing me more chills as the wind kept blowing.

“Is the birthday girl worn out?” His raspy voice soothed my throbbing head as his hands began to ease the tightness in my lower back.

“I don’t find you funny.” I muttered. Looking out at the city I blinked slowly welcoming his delicate affection to any and every part of me.

“Sabrina..baby..there’s something I need to tell you..” Corey cleared this throat, finger combing through my hair. Carli is gonna be mad at me because I’ve sweated out all of her hard work. Not too badly but enough for a touch up with my iron.

“What is it?” I mumbled, licking my lips and swallowing whatever saliva I could make to relive the dryness. All that screaming I did really dried out my mouth. I need a fucking drink.

“It’s abou-“ Corey’s talking was interrupted by knocking at the door. “Hold on tight.” He warned. I tiredly flung my arms over his shoulders and prepared for sudden movement. He carefully stood up, holding me securely and walked inside the room. The knocking continued as he moved closer to the bedroom. “Hold the fuck on!” He hollered over his shoulder.

“Who could that be?” I yawned slightly as he laid me down and covered me with the blankets.

“I’m gonna go find out. Just wait here.” Corey grabbed a pair of shorts from the chair and quickly put them on. I thought he was going to answer the door but I saw him take something from his backpack. I didn’t have the time to ask what he grabbed because he left the room so fast. Slowly I got out of bed and looked around for clothes to put on.

“Man, we had shit to do!” I heard Corey exclaim.

“Yeah and I can see that for myself. Y’all staying in for the night?” Another male voice asked.

Successfully finding one of his t-shirts I pulled it over my head with the material falling to my knees. Looking around for some shorts or pants I spotted some briefs hanging out from his suitcase. With me fully dressed in his clothes I left the room trying to tame my just fucked hair. My waves and curls fell a bit but I’m liking this after look.

“Well if isn't the princess herself. You enjoy your early dick appointment?” Brian joked the minute I came into view. He and some of the others from our group were all looking around the room in awe. Are clothes are spread out, there’s an open bottle champagne on the table, and the couch pillows are in random places of the room.

“It was timed perfectly. Did something happen?” I inquired taking a seat on the couch behind Corey. Laying my head on his arm I fought hard to obtain my laughter at the expressions Tori, Angie and their men were giving us.

“No. Brian, take Corey out of here. Come on let’s go.” Tori began kicking the guys out just as Ravyn appeared.

“Well thank god you caught them before act two. You, come with me.” Ravyn walked over to the couch and stood me up separating me from Corey.

“What the hell is going on? What are you guys up to?” I tried to get out the room but Ravyn stopped me.

“Oh no birthday girl. You’re mine now. I let you and prince charming slip away but now it’s my turn to take you out on the town. Go shower and I’ll find you something to wear. Go on, go!” Ravyn pushed me towards the bathroom and shut the door behind me without another word.

I have every ground to argue but honestly after what Corey and I just did, I’m too beat and airy headed to do so. I simply took a shower and went through the same routine as I did before we went to Drai’s. Whatever it is these girls have planned I don’t know if I’m ready for. But it’s still my birthday and I could use some food and maybe another drink or two. With my makeup completely redone I cleaned up my hair, securing the ponytail. Spray a little perfume on myself and borrowed Ravyn’s solid perfume she got from Lush. Leaving the bathroom in just a towel I saw the girls in all new outfits and no male voices outside.

“Come get dressed, we gotta get going!” Angie said pointing towards the walk in closet. With no argument from me once again, I slipped into the closet seeing a brand new dress with the tag still on it. I’m honestly so confused right now but I didn’t bother to ask questions or make any comments. I finished drying myself off, draped the towel over the chair and put the dress on. As I was zipping myself in I spotted a box that had Tom Ford written across the top.

“Oh boy..” I chuckled to myself. Going to pick up the shoe box I set it on the counter and removed the lid. “Holy hell..” I gasped quietly. A beautiful pair of smoke grey sandals neatly placed in the box and there was a card to go with the package. Flipping the white card over I smiled the second I saw his writing.

--To the most gracious birthday girl, I tried everything I could to not let Ravyn take you away from me but she’s stubborn as hell. Anyway..this is my last birthday gift to you. Ravyn picked these out so don’t give me any credit. Have fun with the girls tonight and I’ll see you in the morning.

I love you Lori, CIH

Setting the card back inside I took the sandals out and tried them not surprised they’re a perfect fit. Looking over my new appearance in the mirror I ran my hands down the sides and back of the dress. The first part of the night I was in an pearl color, satin dress and now I’m in a sapphire blue, satin, fitted dress. It wouldn’t be my first choice if I had the chance to pick it out myself but it’s gorgeous.

“You all done?” I heard Ravyn say at the door.

“Yeah I’m all done. What do you have up your sleeve?” I chortled turning to face her full on.

She nodded and grinned in approval. “You’ll soon find out my friend. Come on we gotta get going.” She ushered me out of the closet where I came face to face with another surprise I never saw coming.

“Mom?” My mouth fell open seeing my mother standing and waiting for me with the happiest look on her face.

“Feliz Cumpleaños niña.” She beamed walking up to me. Squeezing my arms around her little body I shut my eyes and took in her lovely scent.

“Oh mama..te extraño tanto.” I mumbled melting as she gently patted my back.

“Oh my love how I miss you so much more. I’m so happy to see you.” She backed up from me and looked me up and down making sure I was okay.

“What are you doing here?” I quizzed, smoothing down some of her curls.

“Ravyn told me that you girls would be here and she thought it would be a great idea to fly me out. You didn’t think I’d miss seeing you on your birthday did you?” My mom smiled softly, cupping the left side of my face, brushing her thumb over my scar smoothly.

Turning to look over at Ravyn I saw her standing by the door appearing like the proud parent watching her children reunite. “You did this?” I sniffles, wiping the corner of my eye.

“I know how much you’ve missed her and I thought well this is the perfect opportunity. Since Izaiah is back in New York I just hoped that seeing your mother would make you feel a little less upset that you can’t be with your baby today.” She explained. The rest of the girls introduced themselves to my mom and then we all started a brief conversation.

Having my mother here to speak to me in person on my birthday means the world to me. And Ravyn is right about feeling a tad less sad that I can’t see Zay today. Not that my mom replaced the feeling he would bring to me on this day but her being here helps a lot.

“And what would this be? You thought I wouldn’t notice?” My mom grabbed my hand bringing attention to the other surprise I wasn't ready to tell her yet.

A heavy rush of nerves flooded my body as my mom studied my engagement ring. Toying with the ends of my ponytail I too focused on the diamond and the other two rings Corey gave me.

“It Just happened earlier tonight.” I shrugged looking to one of the girls for help. They simply held in their laughter as my mother held my hand up to his face.

“This is a beautiful ring honey, may I ask who?” My mother asked, gently rubbing my back.

“Corey..” I sighed feeling so much lighter on the inside.

The sheer look of joy on my mom’s face is all I needed to see. She’s accepting this relationship. She’s silently giving her blessing just with her look. “I’m so happy for you Delores.” She sniffled engulfing me in a warm hug. I melted in her arms connecting my own hand together to touch the ring wishing Corey were here. This is definitely a birthday to remember.

#the march blessing #short story

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suntypes-blog · 6 years ago

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this is very long and not really edited godspeed [f18 wrap-up]

__The more I think about 2018 the less I want to dive in. People post when they’re happy, when they have something to share and show off, so naturally I’ve been inundated w square after square of “the happiest year of my life!” and “2018 was so sweet!” We’re taught that every year should be better than the last because that’s progress. Life is a charge against entropy and if you’re the sad ones that get caught in the current- you’re losing. (1/1/19 )

__It’s almost funny how triumphantly I set off for 2018. Sophomore spring was fresh but so perfectly well-worn and I sank freely into that tempurpedic mattress of campaign affirmations and idealistic friendship dynamics. Not to say I’m finishing the year, or more accurately starting 2019, in a sad place- there’s just less of the surety I felt prior which I’ve always told myself was weakness, but now that I’ve been transported here to this blank post that’s a diagnosis I don’t think I can stand by. All this rambling to say: I’m learning to question myself in the micro as I choose to zoom out and reckon with all dust filled corners to present a me I’m proud of. I’m rerouting.

But that’s not exactly what this is about. This is for Fall 2018 because heck yEaH I’m a student and my life is dictated by the academic calendar!! I’m introspective as fuck but this semester took a distinctly reclusive (comparatively) and ~berkeley~ turn. (1/9/19)

__I have never before moved with such bone-deep tiredness. I have never before cancelled meetings or meetups to stay home and sleep. I have never before relied so solely on chemical energy. I have never before cried quite like that. I have never before shaken with anger quite like that. But this is all internal, in-my-own-head concerns. Though i lived dictated by color-coded rectangles on a phone screen I was never buried below and I count that as a win.

Headspace is conditioned by context and a week ago I wouldn’t have been able to look back this comparably chipper. It wasn’t a good semester and it wasn’t bad- all circumstances withstanding it was possibly the best it could’ve been. I went in cocooned in mantras of “you’re going to die” and “please drop something” but commitments aren’t necessarily always our own choice and i quite plainly refuse to acquiesce to someone else’s estimate of my own capacity. I can drive myself mad but ultimately i know my own limits. I know what’s worth it and what’s not and if my mental calculation has landed me at square wtf then so be it.

There are different energies at play- maybe this is what kept me afloat. The weariness i feel from overstudying is far removed from that which burns the rubber in my soles running to put out fires. I view myself from a distance in variations of lists, linear pathways, and interval meters and in my mind’s eye these energies float steadily at the bottom of my mental screen. A dip in one is offset by a rise in another and though I may put aside sleep my body screams for in favor of a conversation with a friend- ultimately my meters balance. Maybe i’m mental for computerizing my physicality but it’s been survival successful. A late night studying is oddly rejuvenating against the foil of drama and one well timed call fills me to max with magic wrought from hard earned familiarity.

I made an effort to schedule alone time so i could pursue the things that are tied to no other aspect in my life that hold an untainted peace. Goodwill and embroidery satisfied that and more, and to me it’s a precious thing. There’s no long term goal but it feels like an investment in just me and god damn it i’ll be selfish here. Solitude was never something i desired in the past but fall forced a mental switch for sake of sanity and though it felt like i relinquished control to some deep subconscious i’m thankful now.

It really is true that people are the most important determinant of one’s joy. I’m fucking lucky, i know, to have the friends i do both here and in irvine. Home is a funky concept but i breathe deeper in comfort and there’s nothing quite as wonderful as comfortable silence with others. All those prior “have never before”s made fall foggy but peaks above are indeed there and zoomed in are the manifestation of the feeling of being held. Closeness and trust are something i think we all hope for in our relationships with others and to me there’s no greater reassurance than knowing you are held despite whatever wild emotions or crises like to scream your faults.

Though i’ve been actively combating it, sharing often still blares weakness in the hollow of my head. My mind runs tests and scenarios no one needs to know of and sprints both too far in front and behind so really what’s the purpose of opening it a crack for it just to be beat down in the stampede? All abstractions aside one of my goals for the semester was to learn how to share in media res and not purely after it’s perfectly packed, wrapped, and slapped with a bow.

Of course this touches nothing of my on paper responsibilities and asuc, stacks, school ran circles around me, but hey i got through with initial goals semi-achieved and though my cynicism may have grown it’s all conditional in the end.

This isn’t a psychoanalysis of all existing connections but far more me-driven. This is me trying to progress and as much as the people i’ve been blessed with mold that I aim to be satisfied with the steel frame that is within and frankly forever stuck. To sum things up and purely because i have a raging crush on lists, have the following:

I like to theme my semesters and fall was a mission in three parts:

Staying genuine

Sharing struggles in media res

Personal branding

A few things I told myself throughout:

I would allow more time for hobbies whether such time existed or not

I would spend time with the people I care about no matter how inconvenient (hello postgrads ily)

I would fulfill all my responsibilities as presently as possible and hold myself to my own standards

Yeah I like creative outlets but that’s not my future job

I’m one person and as much as I love compartmentalizing it’s time to consider cohesiveness

Major shifts, good or bad:

You don’t love Berkeley any less, but you no longer want to stay forever.

Your tolerance for people that you find annoying is nearing zero.

You love to be alone and to just lie on your rug doing nothing, not even thinking.

You’re addicted to thrifting.

You acquired a newfound love for exclusion yikes.

Art!! A lot!!

You’re still more closed off, but mostly by convenience and no longer by a profound sense of unease. (For example: sharing all this doesn’t scare you shitless! a concept!)

Things to work on in 2019:

Not apologizing for things I’m not actually sorry about just to seem polite

Write more thought essays

Not immediately writing off things I disagree with + productive confrontation / don’t fester

Spend less

Hone in on what you want- career mostly but also choose an art to grow

Church attendance

Doing things because you feel convicted to not just because you think you should

Call mom and dad more

Good job on:

Staying committed to friendships

Finally getting that tattoo

Not compromising your values w drama

Finding better music

Finally looking externally how you feel internally

Grateful for:

Friends that pour into you and hold you even when you make it hard.

Rough situations that allowed for much needed conversations and adapting

Facetime even with shitty wifi

Newfound breadth of friends and thus learned experience of others

Collab playlists

Surprise epiphanies born from unexpected discussions

Escape

Big love to:

Robin

Grace

Jess

Camille

Katie

Audrey

Karlo

Jeremiah

Angie

There’s no moral or lesson learned- I guess this is just me fighting against myself so really it’s all just perspective in the end.

#will i regret this later tbh probably #a lot of potentially nonsensical abstractions and internal musings #me #fight me #sharing is not caring it's weird but o well #f18 #fall #2018 #if u actually read it i'm impressed

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womenofcolor15 · 4 years ago

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‘Insecure’ To End With Season 5! Fans Are HELLA Heartbroken

“Insecure” will end with Season 5! We know. We know. We’re hella heartbroken too! More inside…

We laughed. We cried. We yelled. We saw ourselves on television. Now, it’s over and we are not OK.

”Insecure” will come to an end after its upcoming fifth season. We’re HIGHKEY upset about it, but all good thing must come to an end. *rolls eyes*

Issa Rae - the show’s co-creator, star & executive producer – hopped on Twitter to thank everyone for supporting her hit HBO show.

Very excited to film our fifth and final season! We couldn’t have told a complete story without the tremendous support of our audience and the faith of @HBO. See y'all soon! #InsecureHBO https://t.co/3gsoDwSGDR

— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) January 13, 2021

”Very excited to film our fifth and final season! We couldn’t have told a complete story without the tremendous support of our audience and the faith of @HBO See y'all soon! #InsecureHBO,” she tweeted.

The actress/producer also issued an statement about the show ending to Deadline.

“Prentice and I are so grateful that HBO believed in our show from the beginning and kept faith in us to see our vision through the end,” Issa said. “We always planned to tell this story through five seasons, but we couldn’t have made it this far without the tremendous support of our audience. I feel blessed beyond measure to bring our characters’ stories to an end, on-screen at least,” she continued.

“Insecure” showrunner Prentice Penny also thanked fans for their support throughout the years:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Prentice Penny (@the_a_prentice)

”All good things must... @issarae and I always wanted to do five seasons of the show and feel incredibly blessed @hbo always supported that,” Prentice wrote on Instagram. “This show has changed my life personally and professionally in so many amazing ways. So many to thank like my sis @msmelina for putting her vision on the show day one. @jonathanberry100 for always having our back @msdeniese for being the glue @jimkleverweis for being the best damn line producer in the game @nortivarg for being the best exec I’ve ever worked with - all of the writers, especially @janiobi @lauramckittrell @daynalynnenorth for being my 1’s and 2’s on set and in the room. To all of our directors, crew led by @aberkofsky our cast - especially @natasharothwell @amandaseales @wammywade @neilbrownjr @ronejae @dominquep @christina.elmore @kendrick38 @xrhodge @ylannoel but especially the talented and amazing @jayrellis and @yvonneorji - it’s been such a wild ride. I love all y’all, especially the fans. Hope you enjoy our last year this fall!”

Fans are devestated and aired out their frustrations online. Peep some reactions from fans below:

Insecure really ending after next season??? pic.twitter.com/W85jd07TYD

— cindy lou who (@bIackcindy) January 13, 2021

well folks, just found out season 5 of insecure is the last season we’re gonna get pic.twitter.com/2Ycu6dtOsU

— B (@bernetteisqueen) January 13, 2021

The fifth season of Insecure will be the final one of the series.

We are not okay pic.twitter.com/naVQFbvG05

— Blk Girl Culture (@blkgirlculture) January 13, 2021

No because Insecure is really my favorite show. I wasn’t expecting this pic.twitter.com/CbGhM4nKxI

— yp (@Yatxjah) January 13, 2021

Season 5 has already been written. Now, they just have to film it!

We going out with a bang y’all... thanks for rocking with us!! https://t.co/kCZTF1KMNC

— Yvonne Orji (@YvonneOrji) January 13, 2021

Will Issa & Molly hash out their differences and become friends again in the final season? We’re hoping so! What would you like to see happen in the last and final season of “Insecure?”

Also...

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Issa Rae (@issarae)

Issa Rae - who celebrated her birthday yesterday - recently announced she has an online masterclass on how to create, write, build and more. She’ll be dropping gems on how to get your feet wet in Hollywood.

”I’m going to teach you everything I know about how I DIY’ed myself into Hollywood,” she wrote on Instagram. “I’ll teach you about how I build characters who look and feel like the people around me. We’re going to talk about finding your voice and your story; we’re going to talk pilot writing; we’re going to talk about how to build and grow with other creative people.”

”It doesn’t matter if you want to create a web series or a TV show or just a trend-setting dance move. If you feel like you only have one shot, you’re playing the game wrong. I hope you join me!”

Click here to sign up.

Photo: Issa's IG

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2021/01/13/%E2%80%98insecure%E2%80%99-to-end-with-season-5-fans-are-rightfully-devastated

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deathbyfics · 7 years ago

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Love for the Final XO

I didn’t want to lose these or leave them to rot in my inbox or not acknowledge them or delete them. I want to keep these forever because they’ve truly meant the world to me and I love each and every one. You guys have really shown me such love and support and I can’t express how grateful I am.

So this is just going to be a massive post of responses I got from the final. No URLS will be posted.

Thank you thank you thank you! xx

Hi! I've just finished the last chapter and it really moved me. I loved every second of Hide and XO and, let me tell you, you wrote a perfect end. I'm aware that you struggled while you were working on the fic and I saw it reflected in it. I really hope you listen to your own words and keep going on despite whatever happens in your life. Keep being positive and keep doing whatever makes you happy. Once again, thank you so much for writing such a beautiful story and congratulations on it. Lots of love from Spain ❤️

Oh my goodness, the final chapter is up. I've grown up with this fic. It helped me come to terms with and embrace my sexuality. I...just need a moment before I jump in. Thank you for everything.

I stop reading fanfics about one direction a long time ago but for some reason I always kept up with yours. I think it was they way it had them in it but it wasn’t solely about the band and it was way more realistic then an other story i have ever read them. It was truly an amazing and beautiful story thank you for continuing to write it all these years , I’ll truly miss it.

I cried throughout for Avery, Harry & their families, a bittersweet ending for a couple who had faced all that life had thrown at them with such strength, togetherness & love. They really were there for it all. Madeline's wedding was beautiful & the letter from Avery was perfect, but my god you really got me with the letter to Harry. I've loved, cried & laughed over this past 4 years sharing in their story, thank you so much Bee it's been one hell of a journey & I've enjoyed every single part❤️

I've been reading Hide since it first started and you would update every Friday. At that time I was so unhappy with my life and the situation I was in and Hide was one of the only things that I looked forward to each week. 4 years later I've much happier with my life but I've still always looked forward to all your Hide updates. You wrote an amazing story that inspired me and helped my confidence at a time when I desperately needed it. Hide is so much more than 'fanfic' to me, it will always Stick with me and I will always remember it as one of my favourite pieces of writing I've ever read. The last part was heartbreaking but fitting and you should be so proud of the world you created with Hide Bee. Xx

Oh my gosh you ruined me. But in the best way possible, I think? You are truly talented. Keep writing, my love. Congrats on closing this beautiful chapter of your life. I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for it all. Even though I've been continuously bawling for 2+ hours. I think I'll be crying for a long time.

Words are hard to come by for me but I just want to THANK YOU for all the hours and all the days (and years) of dedication you've put into Hide. I loved every second of it, it's been a wild ride and the ending was super hard and emotional (I was in tears, actually fucking tears) but I feel like it was the perfect ending to their story. SO THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I will never forget their story, never, ever.

Bee, I just want to thank you with all my heart for creating Hide. I've learned so much from it since I started reading it in my first year of uni. I identified so much with Avery's insecurities, realized that I needed to work on my self-love, and have been working and growing since. I'm so grateful that I've been able to read this beautiful story you've written. Thank you thank you thank you. I don't doubt that you'll accomplish your dreams as a writer from this. i wish you all the best <3

I am sitting here in TEARS reading the last part of this. It's so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this piece of art with us. It truly as been an amazing ride and I'm so touched with the story. The end of an era!!!

Wow... Where to start? I'm sobbing in tge bathtub here. That was amazing and beautiful and sad and perfect. You were one of the first authors I ever read like 5 years ago when I first got into this fandom. I rec hide to anyone who will listen and even those who won't. Avery and Harry were so real. You made them come alive and gave them real world problems. I love their kids and their life. This was an amazing perfect ending. Tears and all. Thank you.

Literally sobbing. I can't say I loved it bc I don't think anyone could love reading about someone dying. Especially someone who they've grown to love as a character. However, it was beautifully written and a beautiful ending to a love story that was bigger then anyone. I can appreciate the way you wanted it to end, and there's nothing I can do to change it. But thank you for bringing Harry and Avery to us. The fact that it made me physically sad means you've done your job as a writer. All the❤️

Okay I just finished it and I had a serious panic attack just now. It definitely wasn't compeltely from reading it (I had one this morning too) so don't feel bad but it triggered me and I couldn't catch my breath there for a bit. Now that I'm calmer HOLY SHIT BEE! What a beautiful story. I can't believe I've been here since you started it, before that even. The Harry that you've created is almost exactly like how I imagine he is in real life so good job on that! I think Avery has the best character development in the story. She's real and struggles with self love just like the rest of us but she learns to love herself and be confident. I still remember the feeling I'd get when you'd upload a new chapter. I would get all excited and I would read it in one sitting (thats like 2 hours). Today I felt different when I saw that you finished it. I knew it was going to be the end and I didn't want to be sad. I think that even though the ending has really gotten to me, I understand why I understand why you ended it like that. You are real and this story is real and so you weren't going to end it all happily ever after. Avery got her happy ending in a twisted way and this story IS and always has been Avery's story. Seriously, thank you so much for sharing their world with us. And thank you for seeing your vision through instead of changing things to please other people. Please give us a heads up before you remove it once and for all cause I'd really like to reread it again.

The fact I started reading Hide three years ago and how much has changed since then is crazy to think about, but all I can say that you have created something so so beautiful. I've been sobbing for the last few hours, more than I've ever cried from any published fiction. Thank you for creating Harry & Avery. For describing a love so fierce and powerful that inspires me to settle for nothing less. Thank you thank you thank you.

the ending was so beautiful, i took my time reading carefully to soak it all up. and i haven’t stopped crying since, thank you so much for giving us this 💖

I'm full on crying. I couldn't finish reading it because it literally hurt so much but you're such an amazing writer!

i haven't been able to stop crying oh my god that was intense. YOU MY FRIEND ARE SO GIFTED IN WRITING

you actual cold hearted bitch (i'm just kidding i love you so much) how dare you

I'm halfway reading through the last chapter and I literally cannot finish it. I'm an emotional wreck as I type this to you. My eyes are all puffy and my nose is running. I needed a break before I continue reading but I just wanted to say I love how beautiful you made Harry and Avery. From the beginning of Hide, I never thought I'd see them as an unconditionally loving couple. Also, bee this fanfic has helped me open up to my being honest with my feelings and to being affectionate. Thank you.

We're just gonna act like I wasn't crying my eyes out the entire time. That being said it was so beautifully written like all of your work is.

It's hard to form into words how sentimental I feel toward Harry and Avery. Hide feels like more than a fic to me, I guess. I've followed them for as long as I can remember, I would get so excited seeing you post a new chapter each week. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You created a beautiful story and I will be forever attached to Havery. Xx

I just finished "Summer" and i'm a mess and have no words. I just wanna thank you for such a beautiful story and wish you very good luck in life, Bee. And i sincerely hope you get to, one day, write a book because you can fucking write!! xx

I have been following this blog now for a little over two years now and I have never, ever felt so many emotions in one story in my whole life. No book, no fan fiction, nothing has ever come close to this before. As a young, aspiring writer I want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your work with people. Thank you for creating such developed, mature and realistic characters. Thank you for making a fictional character be an inspirational and empowering woman who I admire. Hide has been the best piece of writing that I have ever read not just from a fanfic standpoint but from a romance story. So bravo, Hide was really, truly incredible work. Really well done with everything. I admire you and hope that you will continue writing more in the future, I will be first in line at any book signings. Well done and thank you again, Bee. x

Bee, I wasn't ready. Was not prepared in the least. I cried the entire time, literally felt like I was going through it with them. I'll miss Harry and Avery so much. I was reading back on your old blog when you were updating each chapter. I want to say the story was only maybe 10 chapters in when I found it and have been with it ever since. My fav story/characters of all time. You are so talented and I'm so happy I got to come along on this journey. Thank you! xoxo

I'm a blubbering mess. Bee, words don't do that final chapter justice. It was perfect. I've been an avid follower and reader of your fics since the good ole' days of your Can't Do Better series. When you first started Hide, I instantly fell in love with Harry and Avery's story and would find myself yearning for Sunday to come around so I could read the latest chapter. Knowing that I was about to read the last ever installment of Harry and Avery's journey, my emotions/expectations were all over the place however your writing once again blew me away and exceeded every expectation I didn't even know I had. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please continue to write, you truly have an amazing gift. Congratulations on finally finishing XO!!! It truly is an end of an era...excuse me while I cry my eyes out a bit more haha xx

How. How. How could you do this to me? I swear I haven't stopped crying. This is just heartbreaking ... your writing is absolutely beautiful. My mom died 12 years ago and left me and my two brothers and I related to Maddie so so much BecaSe I got married 2 years ago. And my dad is my hero so watching him go through that and now reading this has brought back so many memories that are just heartbreaking but that remind me that time heals all wounds.Thank you for this even if my eyes are swollen🙈

That felt so real? I feel like Im in this thing and im experiencing it for real? I hadnt even noticed that everything was blurred and my cheeks were wet. You're so so talented and I truly needed a moment of silence to just tell myself that I was reading fiction. I love literature but I have never had this feeling before, I dont quite know what to call it. It enough to say that you are incredible, and your writing ability is outstanding.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I have been keeping up with Hide/XO since I was a senior in high school (four years ago). I even canceled plans with the my friends because I knew you posting that night. But I don't think I have ever cared more about fictional characters in my entire life. Harry and Avery were the most emotional, vulnerable, accepting, flawed, provocative, loving characters I have ever encountered and it's all because of your genius mind.Thanks again for sharing them with us❤️

I've been here through it all Bee. The only thing I can think to say after reading what is probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read, is thank you. I don't remember the last time I've cried while reading a story, but I promise I ugly cried from beginning to end. You are so, so talented. We didn't deserve this kindness, this kindness of you sharing your works with us, but I'm so thankful you did. We loved Harry and Avery and we LOVE YOU. So thank you Bee. Thank you thank you thank you

Hii so I've never written in before but I just felt like I absolutely had to pop in and thank you. If you'd told me when I started this fic that four years later I'd still be checking into your tumblr daily to see if I would get another small window into Harry and Averys life I would have told you to fuck off and yet here I am. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this story and for creating a love story and characters so realistic I feel as if I actually know them. Xx

oh my god i was literally ugly crying while reading it bee you broke my fucking heart it was so beautiful

I saw that preview and knew. I just fucking knew. It's 11:41 pst and I am bawling my eyes out!! I have been with you and this story for years and to see it end is so so heartbreaking. But GOD Harry and Avery's is so beautiful and pure. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this with us. I'm still crying and I'll probably be crying for a long time.

Oh my goodness 😭😭 my mother is a breast cancer survivor. We got so lucky with her process and reading how it could have gone for us was surreal. I was in tears the entire time. Your writing is beautiful, I have fallen in love with Avery and Harry and they have taught me so much. I read your Hide posts the moment they used to come out on Friday nights and XO has never disappointed. Thank you Bee. I know it wasn't always easy for you but I appreciate every post. I will miss this story so much!

To be honest I had to take breaks in between the reading because wow ! I cried and got emotional and I absolutely love the way you wrote this one

That was literally the most depressing thing I've ever read in my entire life, damn you and your amazing writing omg

This is undoubtedly the most beautiful love story ever written. Thank you for giving us all this wonderful gift, even if I haven't stopped crying since I began reading this last part. A million times thank you.

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I have a certain attachment to Hide and that was a beautiful way of finishing it off. Well done, Bee. Thank you

I am here in the dark BAWLING MY EYES OUT!! 😭😭😭 Girl, I haven't cried this much since the first time I saw the notebook. I loved Hide so much. It's so much more than just fanfiction tbh. This was amazing writing, thank you so much.

I have no words other then thank you for the gift you have given me. This story touched me in so many ways that I can't even explain to you but it is hands down the best damn fic I read in my life ( and trust me it's already a long one). Heartbroking ending, went back to Hide at least 5 times in the past year and a half and will be going back to many more. Except I might not go to the ending again. Amazing. Wish you the best in life

You've put us through one hell of a ride with XO/Hide and its been fucking incredible, to say the least. I've never cried more reading a story before. Harry and Avery are forever immortal in my eyes and i'll reread their love story for as long as I possibly can. This story has changed me as a person and I can't thank you enough. Although i'm incredibly sad it has come to an end ill always love it. Havery's story means the world to me and bless you for being the creative writing legend you are xo

Hide/XO (really the entirety of "Death by Styles") has literally meant the world to me these past few years. It's what I read and re read over and over again when I've needed an escape and what's kept me believing in love and fate and happiness. It may sound silly, me talking about this story like i've got some sort of attachment to it, but I do and i've loved every second of it. I've cried, laughed, and loved because of this story and I thank you for that Bee. Thank you. XO

I aspire to write a story as well as Hide/XO one day. I've read a lot of romance novels, Hide is by far my favorite. I had a feeling when you posted the warning for us to get tissues that the ending would be that way. I cried from start to finish. It was heart breaking, beautiful, and amazing. Thank you for writing such a beautiful love story. I'm glad I was able to be "here for it all." Xx

That was heartbreakingly beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much for always making me feel with your writing.

its taken me 2 hours and 15 minutes to read that chapter. oh my god. i have never cried so much, ever. thank you for making hide, it truly is the best fanfic EVER. you are a beautiful writer. that chapter was amazing, but it was emotionally traumatising and i don't think i will ever be over it. i have been reading hide for years, so thank you for sticking with it and making it beautiful from start to end♡♡♡

Thats a chaptet that im never going to be able to re-read, but it was a beautiful, heartaching and overwhelming end to this amazing world that you created with Avery and Harry. Its been 40 minutes that i read it and im still tearing up thinking about it. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing love with us and, though it was a bitter sweet goodbye, it was filled with everything that made Avery and Harry. Its been a pleasure Bee.

I have no words except thank you. Thank you for writing a beautiful story and thank you for giving it a beautiful ending (even if it did rip my heart out). I cried so much that I had to stop at some points so I could wipe my eyes to read. You are a very talented writer and I am so thankful that you shared your gift.

Just wanted to thank you for writing Hide. I've been here from the beginning and I've absolutely loved it. I cried and cried during the last chapter, I feel a real loss. But it's been lovely and you're a fantastic writer. Thank you for sharing your gift with us <3

I followed you when you had just finished up CDB. Have been here with hide since the beginning. I think I started following in high school. I'm finishing up college soon! It's been a wild ride. So dope of you to share this story with us.

I cried the entire time reading this chapter. Even the smutty scenes. HOLY SHIT. Bravo!

Jesus, that was possibly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever read. Part of me is so mad that this is their end. Like, they were meant to have it all. I was crying through the whole piece bc I knew that not only was this the end of Avery and Harry but it was THE END of Avery and Harry. I'm just so sad for them. It was a brilliant piece of writing and I can only imagine how you felt writing it. I shall miss them very much. Thank you for giving them to us ❤️

I am heartbroken absolutely heartbroken. I am actually crying. You are phenomenal your writing is literally making me cry. I have been following you since you started writing Hide and I've loved watching you grow as a person through it and I feel I've grown up through the time this fic was written and became an adult. So it's really interesting to read this as an adult when I first started reading this as a teenager. Wow a complete round of applause to you. You wrote Harry and Avery so perfectly

I've been reading your story for 2 years already? When I found out you had a dry run I tried my best to send you positive messages. You not updating was never an issue then I saw your note that you're finally ending Harry and Avery's story and I don't know what to feel, but one thing is for sure I want to say thank you for everything. All the emotions you've made us feel as your readers I'll always love your stories! I'll even name my daughter Avery! Here for it all? Always. Thank you.

Your the only writer I've come across where you write Harry as I see Harry and it makes your stories that much more better, believable and relatable. I hope you work through your writing dilemmas because your talent shouldn't go to waste.

I just wanted to say I love your writing, and you are so talented. I had a really tough school year and between a lot of school work and friend troubles and it was really rough. Your writing has always been such a bright spot and a great distraction. I hope you feel better and know that so many people (who've never even met you) love you and care about you. Sending hugs from Boston❤️❤️❤️.

The entire time I was reading Hide, I could help but think "Harry would definitely do that" or "That is such a Harry thing". Even though I don't personally know Harry, your Harry in Hide reminds me of real Harry more than other fanfics I have read. He is goofy, carefree, sweet and an all around good person with his sarcasm and dry sense of humour. Well done. I supposed this comes from observing him for 7 year.

I would just like to say how much I love your writing and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I loved reading harry and averys beautiful story. And although it's fictional I feel as if I truly know them and I'm proud of how far they've come. It's bittersweet that their story is coming to an end as well as your time writing fanfiction. I hope in the future you continue to write, even if just for yourself, because you truly have a gift and your characters have such depth My friend and I came across your fics a few years ago and truly fell in love with your stories. We actually started telling each other "here for it all" and it became a special saying that had a deep love and meaning behind. My friend actually got it as tattoo. I'm not as daring but those words,your words, mean a lot as well as your stories. It has been an honor and privilege to read your writing. All the best to you. Excited for the last bit of havery's story. Here for it all ❤️

You are 1D of a fanfiction. Your work is the best fanfic I have read hands down. With all due respect to other amazing writers on here, you are in a completely different category. Your story about harry and avery feels real and raw and every single time I read it( and trust me I read it over and over again), it's like getting to know them and their story all over again. It's a perfection for me as a reader. So thank you

It's so bittersweet because I followed Hide since the beginning when you still had your old blog. I absolutely loved the new shot and the entire XO Series. Although I'll miss Harry & Avery, you've more than done their story justice. You should be really proud Bee! I know you've had ups and downs with this fandom but thank you for finishing Hide and thank you for everything else xxx

I never have the right words to express how your writing makes me feel. I can't even tell you the exact number of times I read Hide series. The warmth, the kindness, the rawness and realness in your writing is beyond words. I don't even know ATM if those are real words. You render me spachless and for that I thank you. This is supposed to be just a fanfic but you made it into something real and very touching. Cheers love and once again thank you for sharing your amazing writing

I’ve been trying to figure out what to say since finishing Hide. The problem is, words can’t explain what you’ve done. My mom passed away from breast cancer when she was 44. Far too young to have experienced that, while all of Hide has been incredible. The way you chose to end their story was fantastic. It was real. The way harry was written in the last part reminded me so fully of my dad and how he felt after losing his wife and having to raise kids on his own, a life he loved but did not expect. You did Avery and Harry so much justice and the way I feel about this story and how you’ve written it is inexplicable. Thank you. And you better publish something some day, the world deserves to see you’re writing. I hope you had fun last night (I was there too!) it was incredible. God bless that beautiful boy and his ability to bring out the best in people. Keep doin you, Bee! Xo

I just wanted to tell you how much the story you have created means to me. I have been in love with the idea of Avery and Harry for such a long time, I can't even remember for how long. I loved coming to your tumblr to see new chapter, I loved that you have showed me that true love can really exist, I loved everything about it. It isn't just a fanfiction about Harry, it's an amazing story that can easly be published and I'm sure it would have been a bestseller. I don't remember how I found your tumblr, but I can't describe how happy it made me. As I'm writing this I'm sobbing uncontrollably. The last shot was just too much. It felt like I was really saying goodbye to Avery. It was a sad, but a perfect ending to an amazing story, that I probably would re-read 100 times more. Thank you for creating Hide, Thank you for everything.

I am crying so much. I can't, it was beautiful. I didn't expect it but it just made me want a love like theirs, I know it's fiction but that's the love you made them have, is/was gorgeous. You did amazing with this story 👏🏻

Thank you so much for sharing Harry's and Avery's story. I'm in tears while typing this message. I almost couldn't finish because that would mean the end. It's been more and more difficult to find stories and books that I can be 100% invested in. Your story has made me feel every emotion under the sun and I can't thank you enough for this experience. Everything was beautifully written from start to finish. I've been following your blog for quite some time now and know you've struggled writing their story so thank you again for not giving up on them and yourself. You really are a fantastic writer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello! I've been a long time ghost reader but I just finished the last installment of Harry and Avery. I just...it's been a while since I've cried from a story. The whole story has taken me on such a roller coaster but I loved every second of it. Being able to be apart of their development and growth, both individually and together, has been a privilege. The way you write them is incredible and I'm in such awe of you. There aren't enough words to describe how in love I am with Hide, XO, and the last 4 seasons (if I'm missing any installments i'm sorry). Your other stories...oh don't even get me started on your shorter fics cause I won't shut up about em!

I have never sobbed harder in my lifeI really want to hate you. I want to hate you so badly. But this was amazing and perfect and incredible. I'm wholly heartbroken.

I haven't stopped crying and this is all your fault haha I'm a sophomore in college and I first started reading this my sophomore year of high school. Some of my friends know of this story. You won't believe me if I say this but I always felt like Avery would die young...? She lived too much and so fast. She had this larger than life love and this grand and luxurious life and compared to how her life was before it's a huge contrast. She lived a life that is very respectful as well. I'm just sad because the way you ended this hurts a lot. I guess deep down I knew it wasn't going to be a fairly tale ending for these two but that is what you gave them and I respect you for it. I wonder if you cried as well during this because This must have been a very emotional journey for you. Thank you once again for sharing this with us. My favorite love story will be these two. Warm hugs and kisses to you dear

Not going to lie, I was upset at first when I read you were killing off Avery because I love her so. But, it was perfect. I'm still ugly crying. Thank you! I don't think I can say it enough. I may need to go and read it again for the 12th time. And that's not exaggeration. Love these two and this story!

Hey Bee! Just wanted to say thank you for Hide and XO. I discovered your writing at a not so great time in my life. And for a long time, it was what I looked forward to every week. Harry and Avery hold a special place in my heart. It might sound weird, but I sometimes think of naming my nonexistent daughter Avery cause the name reminds me of good times. I've never cried so much during a fanfic as I did the last part of XO. It was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for writing it. I know it wasn't always easy, and I appreciate every word you put into it. Thank you.

jesus christ i sobbed the entire way through that ending, it was a beautiful story and a perfect way to complete something you worked so hard on. thanks for sharing such a wonderful story 😊

wowowow I have never cried so much while reading a fic. the entire series has been incredibly amazing and beautifully written. thank you so so much for continuing the story through all these years and every up and down. here for it all💜💜

#hide fic #xo:series #havery #feedback

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cordpolo6-blog · 5 years ago

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Self-Care Interview Series: Adriana Ayales

Adriana Ayales is a rainforest herbalist from Costa Rica and the founder of herbal apothecary Anima Mundi. We are in love with Adriana’s world and creations, and so excited to share this interview.

Routine

— Is routine important to you or do you like things to be more open and free?

Although I love the grounded power of routine, I’m living in a phase of being open and free. With kids, and a beyond full time devotion to running a business, I just ride the waves as they come. I’ve learned to surrender that not everything has to look the way it should look. Life’s situations and patterning moves around like the seasons.

— What do your mornings look like? If they differ from day to day, describe your ideal morning.

I love getting up before the kids, and sneaking into the kitchen to make myself a healing cup(s) of medicine. First thing I do is a big ole’ cup of vitamin C rich goodness, sometimes its mangosteen hibiscus with a lemon squeeze, or fresh picked turmeric from the garden grated with ginger, along with camu camu and lemon water. Then I make a seasonal fruit bowl of sorts, with oatmeal, or homemade granola loaded with mineralizing herbs (like nettle or mesquite powder). Followed by my favorite, and not so healthy friend, Coffee. Ah coffee. I can’t tell you how wonderful locally grown heirloom coffee is here, paired with deliciously fresh cacao and medicinal mushrooms and homemade almond.

— Do you have any bedtime rituals that help you sleep well?

Massaging the face, forehead and skull with warm oil at night is one of the simplest and most restorative practices we can do to induce deep sleep. I love using a mix I make at home of jojoba oil, with rosehip, infused with clary sage and a fine sandalwood. Another one of my all time favorites for evening relaxation is blue lotus.

— Do you have any kind of mindfulness practice?

Sipping tea mindfully in nature, witnessing time in silence is one of my favorite things. I tap into my feelings, breath, mind, and begin to clear energy.

Sustenance

— Do you do caffeine and in what form? If not, what is your drink of choice in the morning?

I do love caffeine. Growing up in Costa Rica has woven me into loving a good cup of locally roasted coffee. Depending on the day, I love adding reishi, or a mix of medicinal mushrooms, raw cacao with mucuna, along with a homemade plant based milk. I also love having an aged puerh, or traditional matcha with added herbs for nourishment, like moringa.

— Do you have a sweet tooth and do you take any measures to keep it in check?

Sometimes I do, especially when I’m tired or running on low energy. When i’m over-worked, or running on stress I definitely crave more carby and sugary things, and this is usually due to skipping a meal, or needing a quick-fix. Some tips I bare in mind during stressful moments that ignite the sweet tooth (or just in general!) are: always go for fruits before you opt for a sugary dessert, always choose low glycemic sweeteners vs. sugar (some faves are coconut sugar, maple syrup, and real stevia extract — not the synthetic ones!) For carbs avoid empty carbs and refined flours, and opt for ones that are more easily absorbed, like coconut, almond and cassava flour.

— Are there any particular supplements, herbs, or tinctures/tonics that you take regularly and find to be helpful with your energy level and general wellness?

Oh my, so many! I seasonally change my herbal intake, but certainly stick with some favorites. I love having my potent “singles” (single herb tinctures) on me at all times, like shisandra berries and blue lotus. A Brain tonic while I’m working, usually with herbs like gotu kola, ginkgo, brahmi and lion’s mane mushroom. Two that I dose with very often are the Happiness tonic (st johns wort, mucuna, ashwagandha, etc.) and euphoric/mood elevating herbs like catuaba, mucunam muira puama and damiana. I also love our Liver formula for daily cleansing and nourishment, like the moringa, burdock, nettles, chlorella. And of course beauty herbs like He Shou Wu, Mangosteen and more!

Exercise

— Do you exercise and do you have a particular exercise routine that you repeat weekly?

Absolutely, I love doing a mix between yoga and pilates.

— Do you find exercise to be pleasurable, torturous or perhaps a little of both? How do you put yourself in the right mindset in order to keep up with it?

I love the torture! When I feel a little lazy and not like suffering in an intensive workout, I just remind myself how excellent I feel when I finish it. Not just seeing physical results, but especially the mental peace and happiness after working out.

Beauty

— What is your idea of beauty – external, internal or both?

A feeling of wholeness. When your mood is high, your gut is vibrant, and you feel confident and beautiful. When there is no sense of lack, imbalance or deficiency. When you feel aligned.

— What is your skincare approach – face and body?

I love making my own body and face oils. I usually infuse collagen boosting herbs, and skin strengthening herbs and lather up. I also like to keep things simple, like using cacao butter with coconut oil, or just a fluffy shea butter for deep moisture.

— Are there any foods, herbs or supplements you find to be helpful to your skin/hair/general glow?

Yes! I’m a big fan of eating herbs and supplements that protect the skin, increase our own collagen receptors and help activate our natural glow. The herbs I designed for the vegan collagen formula have been my go-to’s for quite sometime. Horsetail, He Shou Wu, Calendula, Nettle seed + leaf, Comfrey, and others like Mangosteen, Camu Camu and Hibiscus are great for the skin too.

— Do you have any beauty tips/tricks you’ve found to be especially useful throughout the years?

I love making edible masks. Infusing a high potency extract into a raw clay and avocado, along with an activating source like apple cider vinegar, or more protein like flax, and making a smooth paste to lather all over the face, body and even hair is one of my all time favorites.

Stress, etc.

— Do you practice any consistent routines in order to avoid stress?

Visualization is huge for me. Sitting in silence and tuning in is vital, along with the help of nervines and adaptogenic herbs that assist in de-compression like skullcap, blue lotus and ashwagandha.

— If stress cannot be avoided, what are your ways of dealing with it?

I like taking a walk or hike in nature, get in the ocean/lake/river or any kind of body of water. I completely unplug from work, the phone, or computer.

— What measures do you take when you sense a cold/general feeling of being under the weather coming on?

Before the cold kicks in, I take strong echinacea extracts in a soothing tea, mixing turmeric, lemon, grated ginger, apple cider vinegar, garlic and aloe in warm water. It works every time. I make a large batch and dose all day long — even my kids love it!

— How do you reconcile work-time with free-time? Do those things overlap for you or do you keep them distinctly separate?

This certainly overlaps for me, which can honestly be a bitter sweet reality. I love everything surrounding plants, and its medicinal uses, as well as teaching, and medicine making. I love that my business is all about honoring ancestral ways, plant medicine, the art of herbalism, righteous cultivation, and medicine making. Yet, like any business owner would understand, there are many tasks to the job that are exhausting and certainly not what made you fall in love in the first place. For me personally, I’ve learned to reconcile by doing what I love doing the most, medicine making and wildcrafting. I made a commitment to myself in making space for this no matter what, and not disregarding it by prioritizing business with the things that don’t really matter in life. It’s vital that we take moments in our free time that refine our focus and intention in life, re-align to what inspired the dream, without getting side swept with “busy-ness”.

Motivation

— Describe the actions you take or mindset you try to tap into in order to stay on track with your self-care practice and being nice to yourself?

Over the last couple years I’ve struggled with this because of having babies. Which I’m sure a lot of new moms can relate to this! Every time I get a moment between being a mother, wife and business owner, my priority to feel more self loving (and more human!) is yoga. The simple act of getting oxygen, doing conscious breathing, and distracting the monkey mind from its patterning, you become yourself again.

— What do you consider to be the single most important change you’ve made to your routine or lifestyle in terms of wellness?

Herbs. Integrating plant medicine into everything has significantly changed my body mind and soul.

— A book/movie/class that influenced your view of self-nourishment or self-care.

Off the top of my head I love these: Healing with Whole Foods with Paul Pitchford, Gabriel Cousens’ Spiritual Nutrition, The Body Ecology Diet by Donna Gates, and of course The Medical Medium by Anthony William.

Knowledge

— What was your path to becoming an herbalist and starting Anima Mundi?

Growing up I learned closely with curanderos on plant medicine and rainforest herbalism overall. I then attended herbal schools in California where I learned a lot of native, northern and european herbalism. Life somehow took me to NYC (a place I NEVER thought I would ever go to) after living in California for quite some years, and I started practicing privately as an herbalist. I kept noticing the common trends, symptomology and imbalances folks that came in had, and started developing “mother formulas” to be able to make large batches.

— How do you approach sourcing herbs for Anima Mundi?

First and foremost we try to create a direct relationship with the people/farmers that cultivate. Although we value certification of prime ingredients, there are many ethical wild crafters and farms that do not have special certifications, yet cultivate sustainable practices and have quality products that we also like to support. We are also adamant of supporting local economies as much as possible, particularly with rainforest herbs sourced directly from indigenous people, supporting their craft as well as ethically crafted botanicals.

— What are some of Anima Mundi’s best sellers?

Our plant-based Collagen Booster, Happiness Tonic, Adaptogenic Immortality Tonics, Curam Beauty Elixir, our 100% Coconut Cream Powder, Mushroom Mocha Milk and more…!

Fun and Inspiration

— A book/song/movie/piece of art to feed the soul:

Book – Women Who Run with Wolves Song/Album – Cuatro Vientos / Danit Movie – Loving the The OA lately! Piece of Art – Ayahuasca art by Pablo Amaringo

Photos by Renee Byrd and from Anima Mundi’s IG / This post contains Amazon Affiliate links.

Source: https://golubkakitchen.com/self-care-interview-series-adriana-ayales/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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amethystiridescence · 7 years ago

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I am so happy.

My life has always been very relatively fortunate. I know there’s no comparison to all sides of a spectrum so its only with my limited perspective and subjective opinion that I can reflect on my circumstances. Its just for the sake of juxtaposition that I mention any of my subjectively negative life-affecting things. With some warning this is to be a very indulgent ramble as I just want to savour how impossibly incredibly wonderful life is right now.

For a start, I finally live somewhere where I can be relaxed and also call it home. After my parents divorced when I was 10 until I was 25, I lived with my mother. She has taken it upon herself to compensate in a very overbearing way for the lack of a father figure in mine and my brother’s lives. It’s left me paranoid, resentful, strained and absolutely living and breathing anxiety and I desperately needed to move out but money and a stop-start pattern in my career after Uni made it impossible. Through sudden circumstances I suddenly had somewhere I could move into and live in my best friend’s beautiful house. I am eternally grateful and forever in his debt for letting me live in such an amazing place. It’s such a roomy and bright place, and he let me turn it as homely as possible. I got to decorate the kitchen in pink and green and light pine, and I made the living room light and dark blue with tons of nerdy books and old school consoles. I have an old PS1 dance mat and Spyro.

My bedroom is unbelievably gorgeous, and my boyfriend who lives with me across the hallway with his own space built me a window seat which I’ve wanted ever since I read an illustrated copy of the Secret Garden when I was 5. I’ve covered my room in fairy lights, printed polaroids of my Instagram, and I sit on my window seat in the sunshine since it faces south and I read with scented candles. I can actually keep flowers in my bedroom now without them dying from lack of sunlight and I buy different colour carnations every few weeks. My boyfriend is going to put up bird feeders outside my window soon. He makes curries with coconut milk and sticky rice and I cook garlicky seafood noodle broths, and occasionally we all inhale one huge takeaway pizza each whilst watching Friends.

I also live in the most beautiful part of the UK. The sea is less than a mile from where I live to the south, and the moors are less than 10 miles to the north. Everything is wide, green and natural and beautiful on the moors and the wild ponies happily eat from your hands.

I went bodyboarding in the Cornish waves the other weekend and the water was so warm and so blue. I also went swimming in my city’s adorable local seaside lido pool in the hot sun the other week. Eddy bought us hot dogs and slushies.

I now have a huge group of fantastic friends and I’m still not sure how I’ve managed to become part of such a incredible group of people. Thanks to a string of aggressive and manipulative bullying in secondary school, my own socialising skills were shot to pieces and I didn’t make friends easily. When I first moved house I felt lonely and without friends and I was panicking about new people. So when I found the University Amateur Dramatics society by pure accident, I couldn’t believe my luck. For some crazy reason they actually seem to like me and want me to be part of their incredible family. They’re all so talented, passionate and affectionate, and I feel honoured to be able to call them my friends. They even encouraged me to act in plays, and my newfound sense of humour and ability to make people laugh still surprises me after several months.

A few of us went swimming and cliff diving together on the moors in a crystal clear running river in a heatwave a couple of weeks ago. I’m going to a wedding reception party with a few of them soon. They gave me a special creative contribution award on their Awards Night with the most amazing speech even though I’ve only been part of them for a few months. I haven’t felt this confident in myself in years and I owe them all so much for that.

As stated before, my career of choice is very stop-start. I went from no experience to a magazine cover, from waitressing to a stint on Game of Thrones prosthetics team to stacking shelves in Tesco for a couple of months. I seized a more stable less relevant job and held onto it hoping I’d manage to do creative things and unfortunately I ended up much unhappier in the job than I thought as I ended up only really doing computer work. The only solace I had was being able to raise a baby crow from a chick and have his company throughout one of the dullest work summers I’ve ever had.

I was stifled and felt stuck, especially since I kept trying to win this 6 month scholarship at a huge makeup school in Hollywood, and I came so close to winning and kept on just missing the mark. When I came the closet I’ve ever been and lost for a third time this year after getting so hopeful in the light of my work going incredibly viral, I was so deflated and planned to leave the job for the first irrelevant thing I could find just to break the unhappy directionless monotony. And then it all happened. I got contacted by a huge entertainment company requesting me specifically to come work for them as a costume designer and makeup artists for international performances, based half hour away from where I live. I’ve been there 2 weeks and I’ve been feverishly creating everyday with and the days just fly by. I’m even going with my team to Texas next month to do the makeup for the event that I’m creating the costumes for. I might even go places like Kuwait or Dubai as well. I can hardly believe my luck. And as if that wasn’t incredible enough, I’ve had a private sponsor contact me about the failed scholarship attempts and kindly offer to sponsor me for a month’s worth of classes at the school next year. So I’m going to work extra hard and pay for an extra month of classes when I fly to Los Angeles in the spring next year. I can’t believe I’ve actually been granted so much generosity and kindness and that I’m now a professional costumer and that I’m going to Hollywood in less than a year.

I start my VISA application this week.

And honestly, I still look back on the work I’ve achieved off my own back this year and I can truly say I’m so proud of what I’ve made. Cosplay is so important to me and I’m so blessed that I can take it and turn it into a career.

We still go Comic Cons at least once or twice a year and I love every second of them.

The boys got really keenly into cosplay this year and made cosplays they adored wearing so much that they went from wearing them for just the one day to all three days of the Con. I’m so proud of them and I love how much they enjoyed themselves.

I got specially invited to a huge London Comic Con at the end of this month as a cosplay guest and I’m staggered by how generous they’re being with covering all my expenses including a plus one. I feel weirdly famous and humbled by the kindness. I can’t believe I’ll be a guest alongside so many real celebrities such as Christopher Lloyd, Alyson Hannagan, Benedict Cumberbatch and my idol Doug Jones.

I am giddily madly and blissfully in love and I feel so warm and strong and sure of it when I remember how unhappy I used to be. It is a huge shame that my previous and longest relationship ended as needlessly bitter as it did. It really didn’t have to happen that way. I wish I had been mature and less scared of being alone and less inclined to retreat into the devil that I knew for all those years. I had no idea how badly matched we were after growing up differently and growing naturally apart. We just didn’t work together and it was making me so unhappy, frustrated at myself for thinking it must have been something wrong with me when in actual truth I just needed different things from a relationship. Consequently I only realised how badly unhappy I was only after I left it.  But Eddy is everything I’ve been needing and more. He is so patient with my whacky temperament, stubbornness and silly quirks. He is the calming, affectionate, assuring bedrock of my life, and my own self-image is so much better for his constant gentle reminders that I am warmly and passionately loved and always seen and even more importantly I can be totally myself without being resented. He encourages me to keep doing everything that I love doing, and he never misses a trick when I’m feeling upset or distracted. He always looks so happy to see me, and his smiles are infallibly genuine and light up the room. He is so ridiculously intelligent and yet he never ever uses it to make anyone feel inferior or show it off. He is so unbelievably unfazed by how anyone sees him and nothing ever embarrasses him, I’ve never seen someone so chilled in their own image such as him. It doesn’t matter how upset or stressed I am, he can instantly calm me down and break past my aggressive stubbornness or soothe my shame.

I love him for the way he can ballroom dance. I love him for the way he loves to cook and still finds time in between stirring saucepans to wrap his arms around me and dip me towards the floor even if its just to get an indignant squeak out of me. I love him for the way he animatedly talks about facts, history, art and gaming logistics with ease and humour as if its not things to be recited, its things to be actively and keenly discussed. I love him for the way he is shameless about what he loves, whether its a beautiful piece of art or a really bad internet joke.

I have a cupboard specially for all my teas. I have over fifteen types and three types of hot chocolate. I serve the hot chocolates with mini marshmallows. I keep a list on my phone of all the silly stuff Eddy has said that’s made me laugh. I’ll publish it one day.

 I got to decorate the house with autumnal decorations last autumn after mum wouldn’t let me do it at hers. I put orange maple leaves everywhere and real pumpkins displayed with dried leaves. I regularly lit cinnamon and apple scented candles. We had a pumpkin party with toffee apples and toasted marshmallows on a bonfire in the garden. I carved the silhouette of a crow into a pumpkin.

One of my friends from the society lent me a book that made me cry. I’ve bought my own copy. She makes amazing cakes and looks like an elf queen. I’m going to her birthday BBQ tomorrow.

My cosplay got featured in a magazine again.

I got a new duvet cover with the Little Mermaid on it, and a phone power bank shaped like a unicorn. I can love pink, girly pastel things again without feeling embarrassed. I love having pink hair.

We had an incredible Christmas tree last year. I made and ate so many Devils On Horseback and drank a lot of mead.

Eddy took me ice skating for my birthday. We went to see his favourite band in concert at the same place a month later. That following evening he massaged my achy post-heels legs. We listen to the same band when we cook together. He loves to sing along to any music.

It snowed before my birthday again. We went up to the moors early in the morning and it was absolutely breathtaking. We rolled around in the snow and I petted the snow-dusted Dartmoor ponies.

I had a phonemail with my best friend of 20 years earlier today. She’s coming to stay with us for a week soon. Her voice hasn’t changed since we were 13. She still smells like she did when we were 6. We went to the Tower of London as invited by the Ravenmaster himself and met one of the ravens. We also went to see a Steven Spielberg tribute Philharmonic Orchestra concert later that day. She drew me whilst sat on the tube.

I caught the cherry blossoms this year on really warm days. Eddy shook the tree over me so I got coated in pink petals. I got iced matcha from Starbucks later that day.

I acted in a play that started with everybody laughing then finished crying. I loved every second of it and I loved my cast and I loved the play itself. I love acting now.

I think Eddy’s family likes me. They took me to Disneyland the other week for Eddy’s sister’s hen party. Eddy’s mum fixed my skirt for the wedding and she also fixed my dress for the wedding of Eddy’s other sister last year. Both his parents cried and hugged me when I told them about Hollywood.

I bought a scrapbook with unicorns on it. I’m going to print of as many polaroids as possible to stick in it with glitter glue. I’ve been covering everything in rainbow, Pokemon and dinosaur stickers.

I never want to forget feeling this happy.

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rreadsdaily · 6 years ago

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This week for #GetToKnowTheRosendeReaders, we meet Caitlyn.

#GetToKnowTheRosendeReaders has the only purpose to bring even closer the members of the RosendeReads book club. We read together every week but we barely know each other so every week I will interview one of you by choosing randomly someone on Twitter. You can find all the info about GTKTRR here. This week we meet Caitlyn from Scotland. First question: Name, age and where are you from? C: Caitlyn, 20 years old, from Campbeltown in Scotland (a place that I bet nobody will have heard of!) I actually never heard of it before but it’s in Scotland, which is one my favorite countries ever! So we’re just a couple of months into the new year and i was wondering if you you set up a reading challenge for yourself ? If so, how many books would you like to read this year? C: At the start of 2019, I set myself a challenge of reading 20 books throughout the year, but heading into March I was already halfway through! I decided to push myself a little harder and try to read 50 new books throughout this year That’s the spirit! How did you get into reading? Was it something that has always been with you as a child or would you say it’s more of a passion you discovered yourself? C: When I was younger I was never really into reading, but my twin sister always had a book in her hands! It wasn't until my teens that I started reading for myself. In 2013 there was a huge power cut throughout Argyll and Bute, resulting in having no power for days. I spent every day during the power cut reading. I had never enjoyed reading so much. Since then I've kept reading, even though it usually took me so long to finish a book. During my college studies, in the past few years, I have spent all my spare time reading! What’s your favorite thing about reading? C: It's an escape where you can leave behind your troubles and stresses and focus on someone/something else for a while. You get to experience so many things whilst reading, that otherwise you never would. You also get to know people and understand different things. It's amazing! How often do you read out of your comfort zone? C: As I said before, reading books isn't something that comes naturally to me so reading out of my comfort zone is a recent development. Before RR, all the books I would read were very similar. My sister would always try and push me towards something new but I was always too scared that I would find it too difficult. Since RR started, however, I am always looking for something new to read and always pushing myself to read something new Still talking about RosendeReads... how did you find the book club? C: I found out about Rosende Reads when Alberto announced it during his Instagram live. Being in the Uk means that I'm not able to tune into a lot of his lives due to the time difference, so when he spoke about his plans to start up a book club I was thrilled! Ahh, i feel you. It’s pretty hard for us europeans sometimes. What’s the thing you love the most about RR? C: What's not to love about it? It's such a welcoming environment and everybody is so lovely. It's so easy to ask questions and put forward your opinion because you know that you would never be judged for it. Having a group of people with different perspectives on things is super interesting because it helps you notice things you might not have seen if you were reading it yourself. Coming from such a small, remote place and being someone that finds it extremely hard to make friends, I never thought that I would be a part of something like this and I am so grateful to everyone involved! That's the cutest thing ever, Caitlyn. Do you have a favorite and least favorite book we read in RR? C: This is a tough question! We have read some amazing books since RR started but "1984" was, hands down, my favourite. I was really surprised how much I enjoyed "Into The Wild". I found the beginning of the book quite challenging but I was soon captivated by the story and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since! As for my least favourite, I would have to say Catch 22! I found it more challenging than any of the other books we have read and it got to the point where I was so focused on finishing the book that I wasn't really paying attention to the plot! I felt exactly the same about Catch 22. At some point i was just trying to finisht the book as soon as possible instead of actually paying attention to the plot. How do you imagine RosendeReads in 5 years from now? How do you see this bookclub growing? C: I would love to see RosendeReads still going strong in 5 years. I hope that it continues to grow and that more people join and find comfort in it as I have. I would also love to meet some of the other RR members in person. It would be great to get you to know everyone better and see the faces behind the comments. I hope that Alberto gains the recognition he deserves for starting something of such great importance like he has! Is it also crazy to think that we could one day read a book written by Alberto? Wouldn't that be amazing?! That would be really something else! Some livechats ago we talked about Hogwarts houses and i feel like at this point they should ask this question in any résumé so what hogwarts house are you and why do you feel like belonging to this one? C: I'm a Hufflepuff through and through! I possess the majority of the Hufflepuff traits - patience, dedication, loyalty, and hard work. There seems to be a lot of Hufflepuff's in RosendeReads and I love it! Yes! A lot of people i've talked to are all hufflepuffs. It seems very fitting that RosendeReads is full of them! One last question do you have any social (beside twitter, of course)? If so, where can we find you? C: I sure do! I can be found on Twitter (@cspree1998) and Instagram (caitlyn.spree)

#rosendereads #get to know the rosendereaders #gtktrr

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cynthiajayusa · 6 years ago

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Community Celebrates Pompano Bill

Pompano Bill

1926 – 2018

Like so many other, I was deeply affected when I heard that Pompano Bill had passed away. At first, I went into a deep silence and just wanted to be alone to collect my thoughts. A sense of calm overcame me as I thought that Bill had just ended a spectacular journey we call life on earth. Bill and I often talked about our community, politics and of course, gossip. One thing is certain, I came to trust him like a father. In our last conversation he shared with me the fact that he decided not to undergo Chemotherapy while in the hospital. I refused to consider that he was telling me his time had come. Denial, as you know, is one of the first phases of dealing with grief. Ironically, as I checked my last email to him regarding Hotspots business, the subject line was “time to relax.” God knows, I did not want him to take it literally by going to his eternal resting place.

William Calcaterra, aka Pompano Bill, was born on January 12th, 1926 in Norway, Michigan. He had a normal childhood, however, as he matured, he realized that he was different. Back then the word gay wasn’t used, instead the word was “queer.” Growing up in such a small town of 3,728 people, he kept his difference suppressed.

He graduated high school in June of 1944 and was immediately inducted into the Navy, attended Radio Operator School in Madison, Wisconsin and was assigned to a ship in the Pacific Theatre. World War II ended and he returned to the U.S.

While still on active duty and stationed in San Francisco he stumbled into a bar on Market Street, not realizing it was a bar frequented by homosexuals, and was invited out for cocktails at the Saint Francis Hotel and treated to a weekend of fun and luxury. He saw that gentleman again during the week. Although he said the experience was amazing, shortly afterwards he got his discharge papers and returned home, where he again went into suppressing his desires. A year later, with the GI Bill, he went to Ferris State College and then moved to Detroit and completed his education at the Detroit Institute of Technology. It was in Detroit that he really discovered gay life.

While in Detroit he had his first relationship, which ended due to his partner being drafted for the Korean War. After graduating from college, he joined IBM (which Bill says stands for I’ve been moved) in 1951, where he stayed until retirement 36 years later in 1987. During his employment at IBM he made his way up to middle management and was transferred to many places throughout the country.

Eventually, Bill had the good sense to move to the Florida. After a few years he became bored and bought a camera. In 1992 he started his second career as a photographer and was published as Pompano Bill in Scoop Magazine. Since then he has worked for Outlook, Buzz, 411, Express, The Blade and, for the last dozen years or so he was very happy shooting exclusively for Hotspots Magazine. Over the years he has accumulated tens of thousands of pictures, which have become his life, he says they are like his friends. He had all his old photos organized in shoe boxes and digital images were stored on 2 computers. He often wondered what the stories were behind some of the people he captured on film when he looked back at them. As many of you know, Pompano Bill had a huge heart and donated much of his time to charities including Poverello, Tuesdays Angels, Broward House, The Pride Center and so many others.

Scott Holland once asked Pompano Bill: What are the benefits of living longer?

Bill replied: “You can teach an old dog new tricks, outliving a few assholes, the ability to meet and enjoy younger people…especially those that like to hear about gay history that I experienced.”

A CELEBRATION OF LIFE

Many have asked if funeral or memorial services will be taking place. One of Bill’s closest friends, Toni Barone, reminded me that he did not want anything special or grandiose after his passing. It is our understanding that a few family members will be arriving to discuss plans and we will announce the outcome of their decision the moment it happens. One thing is certain, if a celebration of life takes place, it will be one to remember!

Now, I find myself trying to fill yet, another hole in my heart…

A special thanks goes to Scott Holland for contributing the biographical content of this article

From a Grateful Community

Last week, our community lost an icon and friend. Bill touch many lives over the decades as he served our community, not only as a photographer but as a mentor and friend to many. With so many condolences still pouring in, we thought the best way to communicate our feelings just was to capture a few comments that capture the essence of a man who was loved and admired by so many:

Brad Casey: Dear Friend

It has been a day of reflection on my 27 year of friendship and association with Bill Calcaterra, Pompano Bill. It’s been a difficult day but I am at peace with his passing. Both Pompano and I knew his day of crossing the Rainbow were near. He was tired of fighting Cancer and loosing his eyesight. He now can see clearly and can rest. Thank You Pompano Bill for an amazing 27 years.

Richard Gray: Greater Fort Lauderdale CVB

He was an amazing man with an incredible zest for life.

Michael Goodman: Public Relations

He was so much a part of our community. I have very fond memories of him. He left his mark.

Billy Sand: Friend

R I P. Will always love him

Stephen R. Lang: Co-worker and dear friend

I don’t know what exactly to say and I have loved this man since the second time I met him. [The first time he did his groping thing.] We have had a wild ride standing next to and he ALWAYS looked out for me and making sure I was getting my shots and doing my job. I remember one of his BIGGEST warning about nightclubs was the smoke and how he got some sort of Cancer from it. He was a Trooper and loved my many–including myself. Una famiglia italiana e un dono di Dio.

Michael Albetta: Broward Sherriff Community Liaison

Memories captured from my dear good friend who now rests in Heaven, William “Bill” Calcaterra aka POMPANO BILL.. Our beloved LGBT community will miss him more than we think. Let’s honor one last request from Pompano Bill: GET OUT TO VOTE AND VOTE DEMOCRATIC!

Jose Javier: Friend

I think every gay man in South Florida has a picture taken by him. I never got a chance to have a long conversation with him, but the short chat after he had taken a picture where always nice. Will be missed. Rest in peace Pompano Bill Calcaterra.

Mike Trottier: Co-worker and dear friend

Pompano Bill…You can rest now my friend. Miss you already Peanut Butter!

Row lliescu: Equality Florida

Don’t be sad! Of course, we will miss you, Pompano Bill—but what a life you lived–an example to all of us to seize the day and make the most of every situation–or so it seemed. Indeed, the place won’t be the same without you, but it’s immeasurably better because of you. I look forward to celebrating your life with the throngs who adored you.

Steven Walker: Friend

I was in two of his photos in Hotspots Magazine. One all dressed up at The Opera Broward Center, the other less put together in the pool at Inn Leather-tee hee!

Ken Evans: Our Fund

Sad to learn of the passing of Pompano Bill. A wonderful friend to so many of us in the LGBTQ community. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bill without a smile or his camera ready to take that perfect shot. He will be greatly missed by our community. Thank you for all the memories Pompano…Rest In Peace good friend.

Howard Andrew: Talent Scout

I found myself driving to Pompanos Bills house today, and sitting in the car outside of his home. Shaking my head for not stopping by earlier, and for always saying I’ll stop by tomorrow I’ll stop by tomorrow I’ll stop by tomorrow. We’ll, tomorrow has come and Bill has gone. Don’t wait to see friends and loved ones…. Don’t miss the chance to tell someone you love them. Life is short….. Rip Bill

Robin Bodiford: Attorney

I loved Pompano Bill. He had such a wonderful vibe and over the years such a big part of our community and also chronicled our community.

Kevin Clevenger, Poverello

Rest in peace Pompano Bill

Kenneth Flood: The Pub

So sad to hear of the passing of Pompano Bill Calcaterra. I have known this man pretty much since day one when I first moved to Fort Lauderdale. He was such a kind wonderful man. He always greeted me with a Hug & a Kiss(or three,LOL). I am saddened by the loss of this man, a treasure, R.I.P. my friend.

Daniel Curtis: Friend

I’m celebrating the life of my friend Mr Pompano Bill Calcaterra.

The Snapchat & Instagram of his time from the Golden Cost to the Golf Cost South Florida has been best pictured by you!

I’ll lend you my ear anytime! Thank you for for your gifts the smiles & magic in our memories! You’re having a great time in the afterlife this I’m sure! Salute and cheers my friend…

Jim Libonati: Friend and former Hotspots Executive

I miss him very much; like others we had a great history as friends, and he was once my neighbor back in the late 80’s… RIP My dear Friend!

Gary Resnick: Mayor, Wilton Manors

“Our community has lost an Icon and a loving man who gave so much to so many”

Toni Barone: Close Friend, Community Leader

“How do you say goodbye to such an Icon? Our community will come together and heal but right now, we are still coming to terms with our loss.

Steve and Zak: Owners of Ramrod

We grieve the sudden loss of a long-time community member and dear friend

Michael Murphy: Photographer

I’m not sure how to express my love for Pompano, my own shortened nickname, in a paragraph. Over 25 years of sharing great images with one another, playfully bumping each other while shooting, comparing butts and bulges and yes telling secrets. I’m grateful that he had the best life, surrounded by so many people that loved him and that he loved even more. Many of us forget that when he was young and gay, he couldn’t be out.

So, his last 25 years, the 25 I got to enjoy alongside of him, truly were his Golden Years and he lived every minute to the fullest! I love you Pompano!

Watch for next week’s edition of Hotspots for a special photographic retrospective of Pompano Bill’s life and legacy.

source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/10/25/community-celebrates-pompano-bill/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2018/10/community-celebrates-pompano-bill.html

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hotspotsmagazine · 6 years ago

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Community Celebrates Pompano Bill

Pompano Bill

1926 – 2018

Scott Holland once asked Pompano Bill: What are the benefits of living longer?

A CELEBRATION OF LIFE

Now, I find myself trying to fill yet, another hole in my heart…

A special thanks goes to Scott Holland for contributing the biographical content of this article

From a Grateful Community

Brad Casey: Dear Friend

Richard Gray: Greater Fort Lauderdale CVB

He was an amazing man with an incredible zest for life.

Michael Goodman: Public Relations

He was so much a part of our community. I have very fond memories of him. He left his mark.

Billy Sand: Friend

R I P. Will always love him

Stephen R. Lang: Co-worker and dear friend

Michael Albetta: Broward Sherriff Community Liaison

Jose Javier: Friend

Mike Trottier: Co-worker and dear friend

Pompano Bill…You can rest now my friend. Miss you already Peanut Butter!

Row lliescu: Equality Florida

Steven Walker: Friend

I was in two of his photos in Hotspots Magazine. One all dressed up at The Opera Broward Center, the other less put together in the pool at Inn Leather-tee hee!

Ken Evans: Our Fund

Howard Andrew: Talent Scout

Robin Bodiford: Attorney

I loved Pompano Bill. He had such a wonderful vibe and over the years such a big part of our community and also chronicled our community.

Kevin Clevenger, Poverello

Rest in peace Pompano Bill

Kenneth Flood: The Pub

Daniel Curtis: Friend

I’m celebrating the life of my friend Mr Pompano Bill Calcaterra.

The Snapchat & Instagram of his time from the Golden Cost to the Golf Cost South Florida has been best pictured by you!

I’ll lend you my ear anytime! Thank you for for your gifts the smiles & magic in our memories! You’re having a great time in the afterlife this I’m sure! Salute and cheers my friend…

Jim Libonati: Friend and former Hotspots Executive

I miss him very much; like others we had a great history as friends, and he was once my neighbor back in the late 80’s… RIP My dear Friend!

Gary Resnick: Mayor, Wilton Manors

“Our community has lost an Icon and a loving man who gave so much to so many”

Toni Barone: Close Friend, Community Leader

“How do you say goodbye to such an Icon? Our community will come together and heal but right now, we are still coming to terms with our loss.

Steve and Zak: Owners of Ramrod

We grieve the sudden loss of a long-time community member and dear friend

Michael Murphy: Photographer

So, his last 25 years, the 25 I got to enjoy alongside of him, truly were his Golden Years and he lived every minute to the fullest! I love you Pompano!

Watch for next week’s edition of Hotspots for a special photographic retrospective of Pompano Bill’s life and legacy.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/10/25/community-celebrates-pompano-bill/

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wendyimmiller · 6 years ago

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Gardening For Health – Part II

So long ago that I can’t remember when, I gave up on the idea of having any real pride in myself. It wasn’t what anyone would call a decision. No momentous occasion or anything. I just don’t really know that pride ever mattered that much to me. If I had any left, whatever there was was finished off by four years at a Jesuit college. Because, in case you don’t know this, Jesuits exist to convince young minds that one’s trajectory through life is subject to so many random social, physical, mental, and economic rolls of the dice that one’s own accomplishments are just a small part of a very large equation. That said, I do my best, take advantage of the good breaks and shake off the bad, and, more recently, try to live a good enough life. So when and if I take my own pride into consideration these days, it’s less about something good I’ve done and more about something stupid I hopefully didn’t. “Hey y’all, look at me” kinds of things. Yeah, my pride is mostly focused on keeping those to a bare minimum.

That being said, I must share my proudest moment ever. It happened two years ago, and I was on drugs. Morphine, to be exact. I was just coming around following surgery and hazily listening to a conversation between the nurse and my wife. At some point the nurse happened to mention that my urine had good color. My urine had good color! Lord have mercy, I almost burst! Too far gone to speak, I simply basked in the moment like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon filled to floating with enormous, joyful lightness. Even now, soberly aware of the ridiculousness of it, I can still feel a little pulse of that joy. Such was just one of countless anomalous moments—sometimes surreal, usually all too real—that I went through while “surviving” c-c-cancer.

A cancer diagnosis launches you on an imagination-fueled, internet-misinformed, emotional and intellectual odyssey, even as your body suddenly becomes a whack-a-mole game for doctors and technicians. The word “survive’ is accurate. Really nails it. Because whether you make it don’t, surviving the process is about all you really manage. Everyone says great upbeat stuff like, “You’ve got this”, or, “You’ll kick butt!” but all you really do is what you’re told. You go to appointments. Lots of appointments. You take drugs. You do treatments. Go in for tests. Wait and wait and wait on results. Have surgery. You never really feel like you’re in control or doing anything to impose your will on the situation. At least I didn’t. Never had that LeBron James taking over the game for a win moment. Sure, I prayed, remembering every time I did all those friends and family I’ve prayed for that never got better. Some people try to become their own experts. I didn’t bother. Nor did I have any faith in miracle diets, exercises, meditations, trinkets, powders, or crystals. Nope. I just hit my marks, relied on 21st century medical science, and hoped for the best possible outcome.

Longwood.

Oh, and I checked my dignity at the door. Big time. Prostate cancer requires this, in my opinion, more than most cancers. Doctors, nurses, interns, students, spouses, cleaning crews, paid spectators, preschool classes, all parading through and crowding around in small exam rooms while probing things are going in and other things are coming out. I found myself here, my clothes over there, people taking fluids, handing them off, and sometimes ducking them as they fly across the room. The worst was when I was wearing a hospital gown that simply wouldn’t stay tied shut and had a mile or two of corridor to cover between different exams with three waiting rooms, a news crew, a gift shop, and a cafeteria along the way. Eventually, I was so devoid of dignity that–and this is true–I crafted a euphoric group text to my wife, mother, and sisters that I had finally had my first poop since surgery.

I should probably tell you now that I had a very treatable form of prostate cancer. The surgery was successful. No radiation. No chemo. They tell me I have less than a 1% chance of dealing with it again. I was and am extremely fortunate and very grateful. I’m almost embarrassed to call myself a “survivor”, knowing that so many others have gone through so much worse. Still, I’ve got to say the process did take over nine months. Six months of that fell into what my sister, the hospice administrator/RN, calls the “information void”. This translates as “the imagination run amok period.” So when the doctor says it could possibly be cancer but probably isn’t, the mind fills in the gray area with, “Oh God, it’s cancer.” When he says, “You have cancer, but you’ll be fine,” that means, “Start planning your funeral.” When the technician refuses to venture an opinion on a CT scan, deferring to the doctor who will eventually read it, the only possible explanation is that they’re thinking, “I don’t get paid enough to tell people this kind of crap.” Six months of this! And my mind never wearied of tumbling like a gymnast through all the permutations. But, eventually, it all got sorted out. I went in, had a prostatectomy twofered with three open hernia repairs, experienced the world’s proudest urine-related moment, and then I went home to keep on keeping on, using as a role model any dog’s total mood transformation following a cone-of-shame removal.

All of my follow up test results since have been good, and I’m grateful that my situation had a great outcome. I’m well aware that it isn’t always so. My youngest sister died of cancer when she was 25 years old. Cancer has been all around me my entire life, and it has almost always meant that bad news gets worse. During my six or so months of information void, a friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died. During the hours and hours of time I sat sagging in waiting rooms and hospitals, I tried very hard not to overly notice others with situations far, far worse than mine.

Throughout the process my garden was a crutch. Before an important appointment or after a bad one, you would sure as hell find me walking around and finding distraction or comfort or hope and sometimes God in my little scratches of design—favorite plants gathered in the sunlight, sprouting from the good, rich earth. My family and friends were wonderful, and their love and support was a given, but my garden was where I could go to be alone, to process, and to pull it all back together. And I wondered, while I kept my eyes dutifully aimed at my phone in dismal waiting rooms, if these other patients had gardens or some other green spaces into which they could get their heads out of prognoses and patient plans and into a place that allowed them to feel the planet and gather perspective?

A green roof at Mercy Hospital West in Cincinnati. Many rooms look out onto this.

The room where I spent five days on morphine, consisted of four walls, a bed, a TV, an IV stand, and a myriad of discarded Jell-O cups. That was about it. Since then, I’ve toured a few newer hospitals that were built so every room looks out onto some form of nature, whether it be a woods, a green roof, or gardens. I think this is great, and I believe the research which suggests that such investment pays off with better outcomes, quicker recoveries, and even fewer pain meds. I believe that with every fiber in my being.

The Great Rift Valley in Kenya, on the road into Nairobi.

Great works of art can take your breath away, and make you feel, think, or even just stare without words to utter. Buildings soar and amaze. Cathedrals inspire. The works of Shakespeare have stood as pinnacles of literature for five centuries. Any of the world’s religions can guide, console, and offer hope. And all of that is good stuff. Important stuff. But I recently stood on a cliff overlooking the Rift Valley in Kenya and looked out over the very cradle of mankind, and it still looks every bit the part. Horizon to horizon of primitive, verdant wonder. Wild. Big. Beautiful. Primordial. I get goosebumps just remembering. I can’t imagine I ever won’t. For it is from that ground that we as a species came. Those savannas, the sights and smells, are still in our DNA. Everybody should stand there once. Everybody should feel that feeling. To share in what we all share. And as a gardener I couldn’t help but to think that the Garden of Eden, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the great early gardens of Islam, the Temple gardens of China and Japan, Versailles, Longwood, Sissinghurst, my garden, your garden are the human spirit’s attempt to momentarily capture that lightning in a bottle. To remind us of home. To fill our hearts. Feed our bodies. Warm our souls. Allow us to grow even as we’re dying.

Versailles.

Gardening For Health – Part II originally appeared on Garden Rant on July 18, 2018.

from Gardening http://www.gardenrant.com/2018/07/gardening-for-health-part-ii.html via http://www.rssmix.com/

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