#grinding for another 30 pulls because i will get him and god help my soul

[fishareglorious]

well fuck. redownloading genshin again for him and only him

[world-of-aus]

Strictly Confidential - Part 2

Warnings: Bucky Barnes being not so smooth ( is that a warning), 18+ extra steamy flashback and an equally steamy ending, you’re welcome.

A/N:if you all get confused with the first steamy scene and how Bucky is referring to the reader as vixen or she or her, this is only due to him not knowing it was you hence why the last scene i am using you, does that make sense? Sorry for the delay y’all, I honestly was not expecting writing this type of smut to be this hard, but it is lol! I hope you enjoy this steamy little chapter, the fun is really going to start next chapter! As always tag-lists are open, and thank you so much for reading!

Part 1 / Series Masterlist

Your striding over till your in front of his desk – a desk he’d very much like to bend you over.  Your hand stretches, a bright smile pulling at your lips, “y/f/n, y/l/n, it’s a pleasure to meet you sir.”

Oh fucking hell.

Bucky has to adjust himself in his chair, his slacks suddenly constricting.

“Pleasures all mine,” no really it was, “ please take a seat,” on my lap.

God get it together Barnes!

“So y/n, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself, who you worked for, what you do on the side.”

“On the side sir?” You questioned.

Bucky blinked owlishly, could she please stop calling him sir it was doing things to him, that shouldn’t be happening during work hours.

“Sir?”

Bucky cleared his throat adjusting himself in his seat and slacks as well, “Steve you think you could switch on the fan for me before you head out? Bucky questions voice coming out strained.

Steve offers him a smile, “sure thing, uh y/n whenever your done here with Mr. Barnes I'll be right outside to see you out.”

Your turning in your chair slightly, your skirt going up with it giving Bucky a splendid view of those wonderous thighs of yours, if only they were spread for him like they had been last night. “Thank you, Steve,” your voice sings to him pulling him from the dirtier parts of his mind.

“get your head out of the gutter,” he murmurs to himself under his breath.

“excuse me?” you questioned brows furrowed in confusion.

His eyes widen, “no. No, not you,” he chuckles awkwardly just talking to myself. Smooth Barnes, smooth.

“So,” he clears his throat, “where were we?”

“You asked what I do on the side, and I was curious to what you meant by that question,”

“uh what I meant was do you do anything on the side other than being a publicist to someone in person, do you write on a blog, post photos, make videos?”

“Oh,” and there’s a blush flushing your cheeks at the last question, “well yes, when I'm not with my client in person I usually make content online, mainly videos.”

Oh I know.

Your brows furrow in confusion, “you know,” you questioned, “did Steve show you my work?”

Oh you’ve done it now Barnes, “Uh yes actually, you see, Steve has been trying his hardest to get me a publicist, and well I personally think I don’t need one, and in order to really show me you are the one,” which you are he thought, “he decided to present me some of your work.”

A smile took over your face, “that's great did you have any favorites?”

Yeah, the one where your legs are spread wide for him, pussy dripping on the sheets below you, breathy moans of his name spilling from your lips, those are by far his favorites.

“I can’t think of one off the top of my head, and I apologize immensely for that I had a rather long night last night.”

You’re offering him a small smile, “that’s no worries had quite the night myself, one of my favorite clients had me up late.” you chuckled softly, the sound going straight to his heart.

Oh you little minx.

You were on your knees, legs slightly spread as you looked up into the camera, a groan left Bucky’s lips, hand traveling down his body to ease some of the ache on his cock.

“What do you want your best girl to do daddy?” you purred eyes looked on the camera, it's as if you were staring into his soul, except you couldn’t see him. His fingers hover over the keys of his surface pro, fingers clacking at the words he wishes he could tell you in person.

“pet those breasts for me baby, pretend I'm there, right behind you, whispering every dirty thing you want me to do to you.”

Vixen grins pressing up towards the camera hands wandering up her body from her hips, Bucky watches her hands grasp at her chest breathy little moans spilling from her lips as she plays with her breasts for him.

“god baby look at you, love hearing those breathy moans you let out for daddy, if only you could see how riled up you get me.” Bucky typed one handed, the other hand working his cock through his boxers.

A smirk splits your lips, your hands sliding down your body, back arching as you descend down, “you like hearing what you do to me daddy?” she murmured, “do you want to see what you do to me, how wet you get me?”  god damn Bucky grunted, hands pulling his aching cock from the confines of his boxers.

A moan is falling from her lips as vixen pulls her panties to her side, fingers dipping into her folds. A low moan spills from Bucky’s lips, god what he would give to be there between her legs, tongue dipping into her folds.

“look at how wet you are baby, you going to put a show on for daddy, touch that pretty little pussy for me?”

A moan leaves her lips, finger circling over her clit, “Gonna be a real good girl for you daddy, gonna get real wet for you.” she purred tongue running over her lower lip before sucking it between her teeth.

A growl leaves Bucky's lips as he tries to find the best position to be able to type and stoke his cock to the sight of her. He watches as her fingers descend down, two fingers sliding easily into her wet slick heat. A throaty moan falls from her lips as she falls forward hand bracing against the silk sheet she rests on. Bucky watches entranced as she fucks herself with fervor, grinding down on her own hand.

Fuck vixen was going to be the death of him.

Having found a good position Bucky tightened his hand around his thick length, hand picking up a quick rhthym, he swear he could come like this. Watching vixen fuck herself on her fingers, intoxicatingly sweet breathy moans spilling from your lips.

“Fuck daddy, I want your cock in my mouth so bad,”

Bucky chokes on a breath, fingers struggling to hover over the keyboard, “I want to get my mouth on you, suck you real good daddy, drool all over your cock like a good girl.”

“Fucking hell sweetheart, the mouth on you, you going to be my best girl? Swallow all of me,”

“god yes daddy please let me be your best girl”

“gonna gag on daddy’s dick, let daddy fuck that pretty little mouth of yours, swallow every inch I give you.”

Bucky couldn’t tear his eyes away from vixen as her moans grew louder, she was close, he had been on her page long enough to know what she looked like when she came, and god was he right there with her.

“Your close aren’t you pretty girl, you going to cum for daddy, cum all over those pretty fingers for me.”

The throaty groan that spills from her lips is enough to send Bucky over the edge. A loud grunt falls from Bucky’s lips, his cum painting his stomach, his mind goes slightly fuzzy but he can still her vixen working herself her breathy moans almost have him wanting to go one more time.

“Come on sweetheart, let daddy see it, cum for daddy, be daddy's good girl.”

He watches her eyes slip shut, mouth falling open as a loud moan falls from her lips, “Fuck!” she squeals, thighs trembling under her, her body twitching as her orgasm took over her.”

Fuck she was a goddamn sight.

“So, this client,” bucky starts pulling himself from that dirty part of his mind, “is he another one you publicize for,” he questioned, and really, he’s only asking because he wants to know if he’s your favorite client.

“I make videos for him,” Bucky raises a brow at your statement, a smirk tugging at the side of his lips, “and what is it that you would be doing for me,” and there's a teasing tone to his voice.

Bucky catches when you cross your legs, thighs squeezing together, oh you dirty girl, “well sir, I would do whatever it is you need from me,” and what he really needs right now is to take you over this damn desk.

“Well Steve did say you were one of the best, and from what I've seen your work is spectacular sweetheart,” and he can’t help but to throw that name out there, because he’s seen how reactive you can be when he types out his favorite pet names for you.

“Thank you, Mr. Barnes, I enjoy what I do,” oh he’s sure you do, he’s real sure of it.

Bucky runs a finger through his scruff, “well y/n as much as I'm against needing a publicist, your work has caught my eye,” and really aside from your online content - your secret life, Steve had provided him your resume which was superb. “If you’re up for the challenge and think you can handle a man such as myself, well then the job is yours.”

A grin splits your lips, “I have no doubts I can handle a man such as yourself Mr. Barnes, I’m always up for a challenge.” you wink.

His cock twitches in his slacks, “I like you already y/f/n. Y/l/n, welcome to the team,” he adds extending his arm out to you.

“It's going to be a pleasure to work by your side sir, I promise not to disappoint.” you grin as you shake his hand, pushing up to your feet.

He stands with you, readjusting himself in his slacks as he follows you to the door. “I’ll have Steve give you a call later on this evening to go over your schedule which will basically be mine, I'll also have him give you my number in case you have any questions for me.”

“I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity Mr. Barnes, I'll see you soon.” you grin giving him one final handshake before your gliding out his office doors.

Its 30 minutes later when Bucky is lounging on the couch in his office that Steve is bursting in, a toothy grin on his face, “So proud of you Buck,” Bucky raises a brow at him.

“I know how much you were against a publicist, but the fact that you actually went over her worked and even looked up some of her videos, thank you for giving this a shot, she’s a great gal, and an even better publicist for her clients, you just watch, she’s going to change your life.”

You already had, he thought.

Days at the office were always long and boring, but it seemed today was dragging much slower than usual, the hours ticked by much too slow for Bucky’s liking, and all that had been on his mind the remainder of the day was getting home and taking care of the problem you had caused him, he would make sure you, or rather ‘vixen’ helped him through said problem and it was making him rather anxious. He needed to get home.  

As soon as the clock had stuck six Bucky was out the office doors, all the cubicles on his floor already empty as he let all his employees leave at most and hour before he did. Bucky couldn’t thank the heavens enough, when the walk to his car, and the ride home went uninterrupted, somebody was hearing his prayers. And he hoped to be hearings yours soon.

With the keys in the door, Bucky unlocked the door to his home fairly quickly. Dinner could wait he thought as he made a beeline to his bedroom, the ache in his slacks could not. He wastes no time in ridding himself of his work clothes, settling himself against the headboard as he reaches for his surface pro.

Bucky makes quick work of signing into the device the site already open for him, a message sit’s in his inbox, “come play with me daddy, your best girl is feeling a little frisky today,” a grin pulls at his lips, he wonders why.

He moves the mouse around accepting the private invite, he has accepted many times since joining Xmodels.

His screen darkened slightly as the page loaded, a video box appearing in the middle of his screen, you popped up seconds later.

He sucked in a breath, maroon lace covered your most intimate parts, a black silk sheet laid out under you, “well you at you pretty girl, all dolled up for me, what's the occasion usually I'm the one requesting a private?”

A smirk pulls at your lower lip, your teeth sucking on your lower lip, “well if you must know today’s been a rather exciting day, and there’s nobody else I would rather celebrate than with my favorite customer, you spoil me.”

“Is that so sweetheart,” he watches your thighs do the same thing they had when he called you that pet name in his office. “Do I really spoil my best girl, you want to tell me how I spoil you?”

Your hands roam over your body, “let’s start with the amount of money, you spend on me.” You grin hands groping at your chest.

“Oh you little minx,” he’s typing with one hand again, other hand already gripping himself through his boxers

“Is that all, or are you going to tell me more?”

“You really have no idea what you do to me, do you?”  

He swears it’s like your looking at him, and if he could close his eyes picture you as you are you would be in front of him.

“And what do I do to you baby, you going to show daddy what he does to you, going to tell me how sweet you are on me.”

A smirk pulls at your lips, “you’d like that wouldn’t you daddy like for me to be sweet on you?”

“Oh sugar you have no idea, but enough about that, why don’t we get things moving and you show daddy exactly what he does to you.”

You don’t waste another second as your hand skim your body, fingers going to your most needy area. Your not touching, your teasing, not only yourself but Bucky, and Bucky has been hard since you walked into his office, he refuses to wait another second.

“Touch yourself sweetheart, daddy wants to see that pretty pussy.”

Just like the other night, you slid your fingers through your soaked folds, fingers glistening with your slick, “fuck princess, you are gorgeous, just want to run my lips all over that body of yours, you’d like that wouldn’t you baby, like to have my mouth on you.”

Two fingers slip into you, “fuck daddy, I need it, need you, need you to fill me up, I bet you’d fill me up so good.”

And fuck would he, he’s transfixed by you his dick twitching in his hold, pre-cum gathering at the tip.

A needy whine leaves your lips, “it’s not enough, fuck I want to be filled with you.”

“Jesus baby doll, the fucking mouth on you, why don’t you bring out one of your favorite toys.”

Your shaking your head fingers still working, your back falling to the sheets as you spread yourself out, and god if it doesn’t make Bucky harder, he feels he isn’t stroking fast enough.

“Fuck daddy you have no idea how badly I want you here with me, your mouth all over me, your cock fucking into me.”

Fuck he’s not going to last.

“I don’t think you’d be able to take me, need to stretch you out, get you ready for me baby, just like you’re doing.”

“Am I doing a good job daddy getting myself ready for you, am I being your best girl?”

Oh fuck you were, his perfect, perfect girl.

“Touch your clit, baby pretend it’s my fingers rubbing you, need to see you cum.”

Bucky’s hand moves quicker, matching the speed at which your other hand swirled over your clit. The sight of you a writhing, moaning, mess is enough to throw him over the edge, abdominal muscles contracting as he falls over the edge, a low groan spilling from his lips as his cum spurts from his cock his eyes slip shut at the pleasure coursing through him. A cry from his laptop has his eyes snapping open, your fingers stilling, thighs trembling as your orgasm takes over you.  

Bucky watches you come down from your high. There’s a longing in his chest, he had watched your for so long on this website, that he couldn’t help but to have fallen for you, when you started accepting his private sessions more and more, and now that you’re actually going to work with him, be under him.

His breath catches in his throat as he watches you.  

He was screwed.

Part 3

WorldofAUs Forever Tag-list: @cap-n-stuff-main​ @bucky-cinnamonroll-barnes​ @kseniiafirebrace​ @sideeffectsofyou​ @pinknerdpanda​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @b0nkybarnes​

Strictly Confidential Tag-list: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @lady-pswrld​ @connie326​ @lookiamtrying​ @depproselily​ @mollygetssherlockcoffee​ @jaywolf840​ @calwitch​ @genlovesdcb​ @xoasalxo​ @jbarness​

[stripper-patrick]

Finish the Job🧢 Joe Goldberg

Warnings: smut, language, stalking, unprotected, a lot of inner thoughts/dialogue

Tags: @mrsbanreswillseeyou

Relationship: Joe Goldberg x black plus sized reader

I’m watching you. It’s been a whole weekend since I saw you in the library and I’ve never missed you more. I would’ve contacted you when you gave me your number and vice versa but I didn’t wanna seem desperate and lose my opportunity. Your beautiful brown eyes and sun kissed sepia brown skin. Your thick lips coated with gloss and your hair tamed into braids. You don’t see me gawking at the way you walk confidently to your house. You know where your going in life and if you don’t that’s ok too. I’m here to help you. I want to help- who the fuck is this behind you.

Short white guy standing at a mediocre 5’8 at the most. He’s a little taller than you and I know your 5’5 on a good day. You allow him to enter your apartment and that’s when he kisses you. Hands all on your mind waist and on your ass. My heart is racing. I’m enraged because if you truly think this guy would want anything else to do with you besides fuck then we’ll need to work on your context clues sweetheart.

I watch you take control straddling him. I go on your Instagram looking through your followers and I find the son of a bitch. Mitchell Greenway. I look back up to see him on the phone with you still on top of him giving him the attention I crave from you. He moves you and of course you give off that cute face scrunch your do when you’re mad or disgusted. You stand up tall and he gets off the phone standing up. He tries to make another but you move asking him to leave with your arms folded across your chest.

He shakes his head grabbing his shit and leaving as he should. You sit on the couch and grab your phone calling someone. Oh god I can’t take another rendez-

I jump hearing my phone ring. I turn around and answer with a bright smile. “Hello”

“Hey Joe it’s me Y/N from the library”

“Ah of course how could I forget someone like you”

“Aww well I was wondering if you wanted to come over and watch a movie? I can also cook something if your hungry. Cairo is still at school” Cairo?

“Cairo?”

“My son” I can tell she’s nervous but I smile “sorry is that a dealbreaker?”

“No of course not” I smile “is this like a date?”

“Yea if you want it to be” she’s so giving

“I’d love it to be” I smile “just send me your address”

“Ok great” I hang up and smile to myself. I didn’t know she had a son. I bet she’s a great mom. I’d give her 10 more if that’s what she wants. I walk about 2 blocks to my apartment in Cherryville. I wave to Paco and unlock my door going inside. I take off my hat and shoes and receive a message with Y/N’s address on it.

I smile again and go straight to the shower.

I come out singing Hey Soul Sister with a towel wrapped around my waist. I go to my closet singing to the top of my lungs while choosing an outfit. I’m interrupted by banging on my door. I get some boxers on and a robe going to the peephole seeing Paco.

I open the door and he has the book I suggested for him. It’s called Turbulence.

“This book is amazing and I came to exchange it” he says “what are you smelling all good for”

“I have a date” I smile. He invites himself in.

“Great I’m a ladies man myself so I can help”

“I don’t need your help”

“Yea you do”

....

After raiding my closet he finally chooses an outfit best for me to wear. “You don’t think this is too much” I ask adjusting the sweater

“Nope now put some cologne on and go get em tiger” I shake my head laughing

“Go get a book and if you like that one so much keep it”

“Are you sure” I nod

“A token of my appreciation ladies man” I laugh. He grabs another book from the shelf and leaves. I grab my car keys and exit my apartment taking a few deep breaths on the way there.

...

I knock on her door with flowers in my hand and she opens it. My jaw drops seeing her clad in lingerie as a top and some flared pants to match.

“Aww are these for me” she grabs them and hugs me wrapping her arms around my neck. I inhale her scent of vanilla and my knees nearly buckle.

I can smell something cooking but I’m not sure. “What’s cooking?”

“Chicken Parmesan” she smiles “I hope you like it sit down make yourself at home”

“Thanks” she takes the fliers into the kitchen. I know it sounds completely derogatory but I love the way her ass is bouncing in her jeans. Oh god. I look down seeing my boner coming back. I roll my eyes and try to help it. She comes back with two plates and it looks delicious.

So does she- NO! Stop thinking about things-“are you ok?”

“Yea I’m fine sorry this looks amazing” I grab my fork and knife digging in. I cut a piece taking a bite letting it melt in my mouth. Creamy, thick, legs wrapped around my head- what the fuck.

“This is fantastic” I smile “I didn’t know you could cook like this”

“It’s a hobby of mine” she smiles “what are your hobbies?”

“I like to read”

“Clearly you work in a library” she nods

“And I like chocolate” her pupils dilate catching onto my innuendo. Oh god was it too much? Did I just blow the chance with the love of my life?

“That was hot” she laughs “I definitely could get down with some vanilla”

I don’t know what I was thinking in this moment I just know I leaned and all of a sudden we’re kissing. Oh my god her lips are so soft. I close my eyes feeling myself harden even more. I’m starting to throb.

She stops kissing me “I know I’m sorry I should’ve have done that”

“I mean we have 30 minutes if you wanna have fun but if not I totally understand” she smiles. I smile back and put her on my lap. She grinds herself on my dick making me moan in her mouth. she people can see because she has no blinds in her living room. She always was one for natural light. It suits her best.

“Bedroom” she stands up pushing me backward still connected to my lips (gif up top).

Y/N opens her bedroom door and lays me on the bed. She stands at the foot of the bed and unbuckles my jeans making sure to keep eye contact while she drags them down exhibiting my very tight boxer briefs. I hook my finger into her low cut shirt pulling her back on my lips. It’s like I’m high and her lips are my drug. So intoxicating.

“Ride me” I beg. She smirks unbuttoning her onesie-like shirt to reveal her black lace thong. I take it upon myself to lean up and kiss her hips where you can see her faded but still visible C-section scar. I kiss it and wrap my hands around as much ass as I can get into. I pull her straps down leaving her bare. Her perky breasts bounce down and I pull her atop of me.

Her thick lips slide down on my cock and she pushes my hands against the bed. Her hips buck on me. I watch her come up then grind down on me smiling at my moans and pants and whimpers.

“Y/N” I moan. She lets go of my hands and wraps her small hands around my neck. I’ve never been choked before and I never knew I would enjoy this much.

“Oh god” she moans “your dick feels so good”

“Show me how much of a freak you are” I moan. She grins and leans back putting her hands on my thighs. She opens her legs wide and I watch her pussy slide down on my dick.

“Look at that oh” she moans. I flick her clit rubbing small circles on it.

“God you look so pretty bouncing on my cock like the little whore you are” She moans louder which motivates me to take control. I sit up watching her legs give out putting her on her back I put her legs on my shoulder and start pounding her out until she’s screaming my name.

Her arms are clad around my neck and I kiss her forehead. I grip the sheets closing my eyes and cumming inside of her.

She follows suit curling her toes and rubbing her own clit. She chants my name and it was like heaven on earth. If I could replay this one moment for the rest of my life I would.

I pull out and lay next to her both of our chests rising and falling to catch our breath. “I am so sorry”

“I’m on the pill don’t worry about it” she giggles. She looks at the time “shit I gotta go”

She stands up and wobbles from her jelly like legs making me chuckle. She’s so adorable “we should do this again but maybe after a real date?”

“I’d love to” I stand up and get my clothes on. I walk her to her car the blistering sun beaming on my shoulders.

“I’ll see you later ok” I smile

“I’ll see you and if you’re ok with it you can meet Cairo sometime” I smile

“I’d love that”

[sanjayyyy-13]

These Batboys gotta chill

Hi guys! This imagine was requested and I overestimated how fast I can type. So it may seem a little crappier than the other Batboy imagines. It is basically the batboys being protective of they S/O . I hope you guys enjoy and be sure to send in some requests!

Bruce: This guy is OVER protective of you. I’m talking, personal chauffeurs, body guards (when he isn’t around) and a tracer on you at all times. He has to be like this because he is a very wealthy business man who gets targeted all the time. You don’t love all this extra security and you can’t get a minute to yourself. But you appreciate it. There was a time you got “attacked” by somebody who was in love with Bruce, I mean who wouldn’t be? When he heard what happened he made sure they were apprehended and he hired a whole new security team.

“Bruce, it’s fine. You don’t have to press charges.”

“No. I won’t have this conversation. You could of gotten hurt or worse.”

“Babe, leave it”

“I’m not going to. I can’t live with myself if anything happens to you”

Whenever you guys are together he does not have to worry because he knows he can protect you because he’s Batman! However one thing that he does have to worry about is all the people trying to hit on you. Because damn.. you always be looking like a snack. Cue his resting “i’m going to kill you if you don’t back off” face. He’ll usually give you exactly 30 seconds to handle it by yourself. Usually that will make the offender back off but on the rare occasion it doesn’t, expect him to be extra touchy with you. It’ll start off with a arm around your waist and then him holding you against him. This will finally get the guy or girl to back off.

For example:

Some dude or dudette: “Hey there, I saw you looking at me across the bar and you are really sexy”

You: “Umm. Im sorry but I think you might have got the wrong impr-“

Some dude or dudette: “Whatever, can I get your number?”

Bruce: “I don’t think you let her/him finish. They were about to tell you to get out of here” *signature bat glare*

Some dude or dudette: “Oh um.. yeah bye.”

You: “I could of handled it, you don’t have to butt in to every-mmrgh” he cuts you off by planting a very passionate kiss on your lips.

Apart from his overprotectiveness this dude is pretty chill and I think he would let you have your freedom but still have you under a watchful eye.

Dick: Bro… he goes 0 to 100 real quick. He may seem all sunshine and unicorns but he has a dark side that is usually uncovered when he needs to protect you. For starters he hates it if you go out alone because you could get mugged, after all this is Gotham. This happened a couple of times but you do have a great right hook, so bye bye bad guys. You may have come home with cuts and bruises, he immediately started babying you and swearing revenge in whatever dick wads did this to you. He gave you a taser gun so you could get whatever shit you needed done faster. Even after teaching you self defense and equipping you with some weapons he still follows you from the top of the buildings during patrol.

The first time this happened you wanted to have fun with him so you sarcastically stated “Oh my god help! I’m being stalked by a spandex clad idiot”. He started laughing and dropped down in front of you. “Hey! I may be in spandex, but I am no idiot” he stated offendedly. Chuckling he pulled you into an embrace and gave you a kiss on your forehead. It was a cute and cuddly moment but got interrupted by a buzz from his comms. “I gotta go angel” he says into your hair. Sigh. “Okay, go kick ass my spandex clad idiot”. He scoffs and disappears into the night.

When you guys are out in pubs he always makes sure that you are next to him. His hand never leaves your waist throughout the night. But as usual some drunk dude comes around asking for your number. Dick won’t even allow you to say one word because he will already be giving threats to this dude.

“Ay ma lemme get that number!”

“Back off before I shove my foot up your ass”

“Jeez, chill. Yo girl you better restrain your man”

You usually have to hold him back from starting a fight with anyone who even glances your way.   (now all I can think about is him aggressively dancing and giving murderous looks to whoever looks at you… I’m dead) Sure, it’s cute but it gets annoying after some time because he never let’s loose afterwards however his love for you kinda cancels things out.

Jason: He’s a pretty chill dude when it comes to people hitting on you because he knows you can handle it pretty well. However he doesn’t tolerate it if anybody gets physical, for example if anybody touches you inappropriately and you are visibly uncomfortable. When it ever come to it he will stalk up towards whomever it may be and give them hell. First he will shoot them murderous looks from beside you or he will push them back and start a fight with them. Once it got so bad that the other guy ended up with a black eye and broken nose. Jason didn’t allow you to go out alone (at night) anywhere after that.

“Back off, they are clearly uncomfortable”

“Dude, chill they ain’t saying nothing”

“Get off of them before I punch you right in the nose”

And the rest is history.

Whenever he comes back from a long patrol and is exhausted he will be sure to collapse right on top of you and smother you with love just to make sure your alive because of the tragic things he see and experiences out there. His favorite position is with you sitting down and his head resting on your chest with your legs spread apart. This is because he can clearly hear you heart beating. There is no need to communicate, you guys are so in sync now that you know exactly how one another is feeling and what they need. (kinda like sims.. hehe)

Sometimes he has horrible nightmares with you becoming a victim to Jokers games. He always wakes up in a cold sweat and a beating heart, but when he realizes your steady breathing next to him he immediately becomes relaxed.

Since his job as Red Hood include making a lot of enemies and some may know his identity because he used to be “Arkham Knight”, he equips you with guns and knives. You have learnt a bunch of self defense techniques with his help and could pretty much become a vigilante. But he would never let that happen, you’re too precious.

Tim: When it comes to people hitting on you he wouldn’t even remotely know how to handle it. He’s such a cinnamon bun that he would let you handle it. Only if you ever really needed help and looked really uncomfortable will he become quite aggressive. Once you guys were at Bruce’s gala and a guy wouldn’t stop stalking you and you couldn’t really go anywhere without him needing to start a conversation with you. So Timmy boy came over and gave this guy a piece of his mind. After that outburst he immediately looked at you wondering if he handled the situation appropriately, but considering the guests expression it was a no. Honestly who the fuck cares because he took you both home for a comfortable night with Netflix and popcorn.

“Tim, thanks for that save back at the gala”

“No problem (Y/N), I will always be there to protect you”

*cue your cuddle session or make out session you preference*

Just like his brothers he make sure to teach you some fighting techniques and deck you out with some gear. He would always ask you to keep a tracer with you because he doesn’t wasn’t to ever lose you. He isn’t crazy overprotective like his dad but he still keeps a close eye on you. He makes sure that you get your freedom and free time but usually he becomes sad without his ball of energy near him all the time. But he always keeps your needs as priority numero uno.

“Babe, Im going out with my friends”

“Really? Now? Make sure to keep the tracer in you purse, don’t drink to much and take care of yourself. Call me if you need anything”

“Okay, mom”

“Seriously (Y/N), I need you to be safe”

“I will, I’m not the one who puts their life in dangerous every single night. Love you”

Damian: He’s just like his old pops when it comes to being protective. But he is so much more  stricter. He has a certain set of rules that he expects you to follow. This includes don’t go out late at night, carry a weapon at all times, make sure you inform him where you are at all the time, blah blah blah. Do you follow them all the time… hell no. Gosh you would go absolutely insane.

His reaction: He gets mad… whats new? You make it up to him and he becomes better. But he won’t let it pass if you brought it upon yourself. Like once you were mad at Damian and you went to a friends party at the club. You tried to make him jealous by grinding upon some poor innocent soul. First he locked eyes with you and gave you a warning. You ignored him and let things escalate, he walked over and that person almost shit their pants because Damian whispered some pretty scary things to them.

“Damian, I’m sorry.”

“(Y/N), you can’t expect me to forgive you. You completely betrayed my trust and did something that almost made me kill someone.”

“Look, how can I make it up to you. I will do any-“

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are always safe”

Ugh he can be so infuriating and smart that it annoys you. But you can see the truth to what he is saying so you start following what he says as long as you can still have your freedom. Whenever he has nightmares about you, he usually wakes you up so he can talk about it with someone. Sometimes he may even break down crying and that’s totally fine but it’s so heartbreaking because he loves you so much and will do legit anything to protect you.

Tags: 

@oachi

[ilvsyzj]

Chapter Eleven: Puppy Love Pawprint.

12/3/2020, Thursday, Spell Casting. 

     The next morning we woke up at 7 am. Did our morning routine. Before we went to the Common Room, Sky was looking at the little black board hanging above our desks. 

Jazzy: What’s wrong?

Sky: I’m thinking about Rule #3. 

Jazzy: What about it?

Sky: It’s says exercise 3 times a week.

Jazzy: Mhm. 

Sky: Which 3 days? -laughing- 

Jazzy: Oh. You look like you don’t want to choose which 3 days that we do our exercises. -laughing- 

Sky: Not really. Can we do exercise on one day? Since we have Basic Physical Training on Wednesdays and Clean Up duties on Saturdays. I think since we are moving so much we don’t have to exercise so much. 

Jazzy: Okay. We’ll add Sunday as the third day to do exercise. 

Sky: -pouty face- But Sunday’s are day of rest. 

Jazzy: Relax. We’re not going to exercise all day. We only exercise for 30 minutes. You pick. We can exercise early in the morning. Or we can exercise at night. 

Sky: How early in the morning? 

Jazzy: 7 am.

Sky: Okay. 

Jazzy: Mhm. 

    Sky and I went to our Common Room. Ate breakfast, cleaned up, and went to class. Today, only 4 of us in the same class room. Sky, William, Phil, and I are in our first Spell Casting class. The rest of the R.M.C. members went to their non-element class. But the problem was when Sky, William, Phil, and I got into our classroom. No one was there. 

William: Are we early?

Voice: Nope. You’re all right on time.  -appeared out of thin air- 

William, Sky, Phil, and Jazzy: Morning. Oracle. 

Oracle: Morning. Today, we will start our lesson. But before we start. I would like to answer Jazzy’s question that has been bothering her for a few days. 

William, Sky, and Phil: -confused and worried-

Oracle: Don’t look so worry boys. Jazzy just a little confuse about the prophecy. 

William, Sky, and Phil: -more confused- 

Oracle: Let me explain the prophecy. The prophecy does state that if don’t find your soul mate by the age of 32, you’ll be exile and everyone in your family will be curse. Not everyone in Mythical Kingdom will be curse. But if you find your soul mate before your 32nd birthday, everything is going to be fine. Nothing will happen to you or your family. So when you turn 32 next month you’ll have a very blissful day. There’s nothing to be scare of. Everything is going to be fine. :)

Jazzy: You sure?

Oracle: I see a very bright future between you and Sky. You have nothing to be worry about. Just continue what you and Sky are doing. You’re on the right path. 

Jazzy: Thank you for making feel better. 

Oracle: My pleasure. Now, lets begin our lesson. 

 Sky, Phil, William, and Jazzy: Yes Oracle. 

     Our first lesson was very basic. Mediating. Mediating is very important to spell casting. Because we have to clear our mind before we perform any spell. Because if you’re upset and you perform any kind of spell, you’re not solving the problem but making the problem even worst. With only a clear mind then you can help with the situation. From 9 am - 12 pm we have been mediating. To be honest it’s boring, because we are sitting on the floor and soft music are playing in the background. Also the entire time the Oracle told us to breath in and out, imaging certain things in our heads that are base on powers. For example, in my head I was imaging the sun shining on me, warming me up. 

Oracle: Okay. For homework do your mediation. Please record yourself do mediation so I can see, don’t cheat I will know if you did your mediation or not. After lunch there’s no class. Today is a half day. Enjoy the rest of your day. That’s all. Class dismissed. 

   The Oracle disappeared in a puff of smoke. We went back to the Common Room for lunch. After lunch we did our usual routine. But since yesterday was the first day and today is the second day of our Basic Training. Our schedule is going to be a little off. But next week we will be back on our schedule. Everyone had a half day. We did our Work Study in the Common Room. By 4 pm most of us were a head of our Assignments. We had dinner, talked, and then we cleaned up. Sky and I went back to our room early, because I knew Sky wants to talk to me about what the Oracle told me about the prophecy. 

Sky: You’re still worry?

Jazzy: Mhm. 

Sky: About?

Jazzy: Our relationship. 

Sky: You’re worry that we are not meant to be. 

Jazzy: Mhm. But I’m going work on it. 

Sky: I have a feeling that you want to try something new tonight with me. 

Jazzy: -blushing and nodding- I think it might be good for our relationship. 

Sky: Mhm. I agree. :)

Toothless: -soft meow- 

Jazzy and Sky: -laughing- 

   I picked up Toothless and played with him for a good 20 minutes. Toothless calmed me down since I was feeling nervous. Sky went to take a shower. After his shower, I put Toothless back into his bed and then I went to freshen up. After I was done with my shower I came back to the room. We went to bed and turn off the lights. Sky was hugging me like the previous two nights. I rolled over and gently nuzzled his neck, that’s when Sky became aroused. I gently kissed his neck, his cheeks, and finally I reached his lips. 

Sky: -softly moan- 

Jazzy: -laughing softly- 

   I continued to gently kiss his lips. Which in turn Sky became more aroused. Sky me by surprise because he flipped me over, and now he was on top of me. 

Sky: Are you sure?

Jazzy: I’m positive. We can’t stay in the Friendship Phase forever. If I don’t feel comfortable I tell you to stop. 

Sky: I agree. 

    After that Sky gently nuzzled my neck and in turn I became aroused. Sky continue to nuzzled my neck and gently until I let out a soft moan. Sky moved on to my lips it was gentle at first, then he start to kiss me with a little bit of passion. 

Sky: You like that?

Jazzy: Mhm. 

Sky: Let me know if I’m hurting you. I’ll stop. 

Jazzy: Mhm. 

   Sky continued but this time he began to use his hands. As he was kissing me with little bit more passion, he slowly lifted my tank top all the way to my neck. He had his left hand on my hip and his right hand was on my left breast. As he was kissing with such passion he was also massage my left breast. I let out an semi-loud moan, and the next thing I know Sky put his tongue into my mouth and he started to gentle grind me. I put my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around his waist. At this point I wanted more because I pulled him closer. Sky took off my tank top and moved on to kiss my neck and breast. I moaned when he sucked on my right breast as he was massaging my left breast. 

Jazzy: -softly moan- Oh Sky. 

Sky: -stop- You okay?

Jazzy: -looking at him- Mhm. 

Sky: You sure? 

Jazzy: Please don’t stop. I like it. What you doing to me is opening me up. Please continue. I want to feel what’s its like to reach the climax. Please. -pulling him closer- Don’t stop. 

   Sky listened to me and understood what I wanted. So he gave it to me. From my breast he kissed my stomach and he was at waist. He began to gently licked my waist and nibble at my waist. He was asking if he can enter. I reached down and pull down my pj bottoms and my underwear. Letting Sky know that he has my permission continue. Sky continue with what he was doing and his right hand reached the entry way of where my climax was. He gently rubbed it and my whole body felt like it was fire. I push him down further and spread my legs wide open. When Sky saw my virgina he lick the opening and I became so aroused that I pulled him closer to my virgina. He continue to lick and suck my virgina. At the same time his right hand was on top of my stomach and gently massage my stomach. My entire body was on fire and I let out a loud moan. I sat up and gently pushed him back. 

Sky: You okay? -stopping-

Jazzy: -soft voice- Oh my god. 

Sky: What?

Jazzy: -soft voice- That was amazing. 

Sky: Should I continue? 

    Without saying anything I took off his shirt and boxer shorts. And he knew what I want him to do. 

Sky: -soft voice- You sure?

Jazzy: -nodded- 

   Sky didn’t continue because he didn’t want to go over board. Which I understand, but I want to lose my virginity tonight. And he is the best person to do it. 

Sky: -soft voice- Why do you want to lose your virginity tonight?

Jazzy: -soft voice- Because I know one thing for sure. I feel very safe when I’m around you. You make me feel safe and I know that you’re not going to hurt me. I now know that you’re my one and only person that I want to be with. For the rest of my life. :)

Sky: -soft voice- Are you saying that you are ready to move on to the next stage?

Jazzy: Mhm. But I’m happy that you show me how to reach my climax. Tomorrow, I’ll hope to show you how reach your climax. 

Sky: -kissing me softly on the lips- You have a deal. :) It would be my pleasure to be your boyfriend. :)

Jazzy: It would be my pleasure to be your girlfriend. :) 

   When we both said that we both felt a small sting on our arm. We both look at our arms and saw a small “Puppy Love Pawprint”. 

Sky: -laugh softly-

Jazzy: What does it mean?

Sky: We just reached our Dating Stage. :)

Jazzy: Oh. Is this the only tattoo?

Sky: No. We will get another tattoo when we become mated. 

Jazzy: You don’t know what the final tattoo looks like. Do you?

Sky: No. Because each pair is different. And each pair gets a different mating tattoo. It’s unique. 

Jazzy: I see. But everyone get the same small Puppy Love Pawprint? 

Sky: Mhm. How are you going show me my climax?

Jazzy: -gently rubbed Sky’s penis- 

Sky: -softly moan and closed his eyes-

Jazzy: -laughing- 

Sky: -sigh- Yea. That would drive me to my climax. 

Jazzy: -kissing Sky on the lips- 

Sky: Sweetie, if you keep rubbing me like I’m going bust. 

  When Sky said that I stop. Because I don’t want him bust. I want him to bust inside of me, and not on the bed. Sky pull back on his boxer shorts, and I pull on back my pj bottoms and underwear. Sky lay down and I lay right next to him. It was still early and after what we just did we felt very comfortable. But while we were talking about our new tattoo, we didn’t noticed that we both receive a text from the Oracle. He said congratulations that we got our Puppy Love Pawprint. He also remind remind us to be ourselves, follow our hearts, and to trust one another. The Oracle also said that if we want to find out more about our Puppy Love Pawprint, all we have to do is look up on a app called History. I was curious about the chapter, so I read it. “Chapter 15- Soul Mates Tattoos: There are two tattoos that each pair soul mates get. All soul mates will get 1 exact same tattoo, but the color on their first tattoos are different. Normally, the colors don’t mean anything. But for those who are part of the Royal Court or the Royal Family the colors does matter. So, if your little tattoo is either Red, Blue, Orange, Green, or White. Then you’re either part of Royal Court or the Royal Family. If you look at your Soul Mate little tattoo, and see what color it is. You’ll have the same color as your partner. This is what the colors stand for: Red = Royal Couple, Blue = Power Couple, Orange =  Strength Couple, Green = Earth Couple, and White = Spirit Couple. If you have a Red color Puppy Love Pawprint it means that your partner is part of the Royal Family. If you have a Blue color Puppy Love Pawprint it means that your partner is part of the Counsel, Green color Puppy Love Pawprint it means that your partner is part of the Elves Family, Orange color Puppy Love Pawprint it means that your partner families have a lot of strength, and White color Puppy Love Pawprint it means that your partner is part of the Vampire clan. If you don’t have any of these colors and your Puppy Love Pawprint is Brown, it means that you or your partner is from the lower clan family. The last and final tattoo is the Mating Tattoo. Every Mating Tattoo is different for each pair Soul Mate. To get the Mating Tattoo is when both partner bite each other. When you bite a werewolf it means you’re both ready to get married. The bite mark is forever and through out the weeks the bite mark will turn into a small tattoo that will have a date, both your partner and your initials, and it will be the same color as your first tattoo. Once you’re mated. You’re mated for life. So don’t rush into things. Love is not competition.” 

    After reading the chapter Sky and I had a better understanding. Just because Sky is a Royal Prince, he doesn’t know everything about the Mythical Kingdom. Because some things his parents or his previous teachers won’t teach him. So some of these things are completely new to him. What Sky learned when he was growing up was the Royal History, how to be a Prince, manners, dance, and how to be the future king. Sky and I kissed. We put our phones away and went to sleep. 

-End of Chapter Eleven-

[twaaaaaa]

Update on athletics, goals and life in general

This post is long-winded, vulnerable and brutally honest. You’ve been warned.

So this season was a total bust.

I set out on the 2016-17 season with pretty clear goals: go less intense than last year, concentrate on just a few half-Ironmans and build up to an Iron in April at a pace that wouldn’t burn me out like what happened to me last year. Simple, right?

And then life got in the way.

For various reasons, I missed two half-Irons in the fall. (The first was a trade-off - cancel my vacation but take a promotion at work. The second was a missed flight.) No big deal, right? It’s a bit of missed momentum, but nothing that can’t be recovered from.

And then I just couldn’t bring myself to switch into Ironman mode. I couldn’t split my sleep schedule in two for three days a week, even though I was now working saner hours and regular weekends. I couldn’t wake up at 3:30 a.m. to run. I skipped the extra swimming sessions I promised myself I’d do. I didn’t feel that drive, that motivation, that hunger. I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, but I was burnt out.

It’s a weird thing to admit to myself even now. In theory, I still love triathlons. The community is wonderful and they’re a huge part of my identity. Race days still excite me. But just like injuries in endurance sports, burnout builds up over time and with repetition. I just couldn’t do the grind anymore.

And the burnout wasn’t just athletic. Life was getting in the way too - there was massive anxiety over my job, which turned out to have a good cause. In April the company I work for laid off almost half its staff and offered the rest of us contracts that were tough to swallow - and then gave us three days to decide on them.

Going through the buildup to the contract decision day made me realize something else: I don’t really have a support system left in Abu Dhabi. It’s a consequence of expat churn in a country of 89% expats, and the social instability that comes with it. One of the major challenges of the place is rebuilding your friend group every six months or so when your friends move to new countries or emirates, or just cycle out of your social circle in general. All the people I was talking with about the career anxiety were already overseas or expecting to leave the UAE this year anyway.

The other source of emotional burnout was the relationship side of my life. Without going into too many whiny details, there were three women who came into my life, sequentially within a few short months who independently made me think that finally, I had found someone I really liked who would turn into the kind of relationship I’d been hoping for. After nearly three years of being single and mostly dateless. And so I invested a lot of time and energy into each one, only to have things fall apart with them for reasons beyond my control. One had mental health issues and took herself out of the dating pool entirely, one had physical health problems and too busy a schedule, and one just went from full-throttle to ghost in the span of a week.

One massive disappointment like that I can handle and recover from. But three in a row hit, plus the existential anxiety about my job me hard and sent me to a bad place for a while. That was at the end of my usual UAE racing season, and by that time my training was so bad that I had downgraded my hopes for the post-season race to a half-Ironman a month later than the Iron would have been, and then just nothing at all. I don’t want to use the word depression, because it hasn’t been diagnosed by a doctor, but it was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and I just shut down for a little while. My nutrition lapsed and I lost too much weight, which for me makes for a downward spiral. My boss even pulled me aside and told me he was concerned about my performance at work.

The expat life ain’t all sunshine and roses, despite what my Facebook feed makes it look like.

I managed to pull myself out of that spiral with a vacation and a visit from my parents. Nothing makes you get out of bed and scramble to get your life looking like it’s together like the fear of disappointing your mother. After they left I realized I had to do something to keep myself from sinking back into that same rut.

It started with the nutrition. I started planning a week of meals at a time and prepping them on the weekends. I know how losing weight from poor nutrition affects the rest of my life, so that was the clearest first step to get out of this funk.

And then April came with the contracts. I was offered one but found it unpalatable. It took me literally until the final hour to decide whether to take it, though, because it’s been four and a half years since I came here and being an expat in Abu Dhabi has become part of my identity. I went through a lot of soul searching, which could be the subject of another long post, and had a few serious what-if discussions. But in the end, I realized that the terms of the new contract would just exacerbate the problems that led to the rut I’ve found myself in these past few months, and cut off the ways I’ve been able to cope with them.

So I turned it down. My contract expires June 30. And since UAE residence visas are tied to employment, I’ll most likely be leaving the country and probably heading back to the US.

There’s one other major thing that happened as part of the contract decision. (Warning: more relationship complaints ahead.) There’s a girl back in my hometown who is everything I want in a girl. I’d been harboring a massive crush on her for years - by far bigger than anything else I’ve felt since the last breakup - but never made a move because I lived overseas and she either had a long-term boyfriend (complete with a joint mortgage and two dogs) or had broken up with the boyfriend and was still reeling. Still, we talk almost every day, spent all the free time we could together when I visit home and I’d seen some encouraging signs from her. Hell, when my parents came to visit she got up at 5 a.m. to buy a box of fresh donuts and drop them off with my parents so they could bring them to me on the plane. And it would have been more than a year since they had broken up by the time I got back to the US in August if I turned the contract down. Plus, the Tampa-St. Pete area where she lives is one of the places I’d like to find a job in.

I didn’t hang my decision on what she said, but I’d be lying to myself if I said it wasn’t a factor I had to consider. So I asked her what she thought. Unfortunately through text and not voice - I tried, but she literally fell asleep on me as I was about to bring the topic up. Snored and everything. I asked her if she would want to give dating me a shot this summer if I were to turn down the contract.

And she said no. She wasn’t attracted to me, she never had been and those donuts were something she’d do for any friend. And I was such a close friend to her that she didn’t want to risk messing up the friendship.

It hurt. God, did it hurt.

And it led to more soul-searching. I’ve always struggled with being the guy that girls love to keep around as a friend, that gets told that any girl would be lucky to have him, but never gets seen as an actual relationship prospect. Meeting people through Tinder or other dating apps helps with that, as it frames me as a romantic prospect in the girl’s mind from the get-go, but even after a few dates I usually ultimately get the same speech: “You seem like a great guy and I want to keep you as a friend, but I’m not attracted to you that way.”

This is not Nice Guy whining. The problem is not with the girls and their attitudes towards me. The problem is me, and whatever it is that doesn’t get them to see as boyfriend material.

To be brutally honest, I think one of the main factors in that predicament is looks. Something I’ve also struggled with for a long time. I don’t remember the last time I got complimented on the way I look, but I know it’s been years. Years. And there aren’t a lot of simple ways I can improve them anymore. I dress in clean, styled, well-tailored clothes. I have a haircut that I’m finally happy with and I keep current with my grooming. I even had Lasik, which got rid of the glasses and the tired eyes from contacts. Effort has certainly been made. And I don’t consider myself ugly - just not attractive.

But I’m still skinny, as is pointed out to me so many times per week. That’s what happens when most of the calories you consume are burnt up in long-distance endurance training and racing. And it’s been brought up as a factor in dating rejections. “I could never date a guy who weighs less than I do” is something I’ve heard a few times. The one that echoes, though, is from a fellow triathlete: “You don’t look athletic enough for me to be attracted to you. Now tell me how your Ironman went.”

The thing is, in long-distance running and cycling skinny means fast. It’s all about the power-to-weight ratio, and though I may not have much power I have even less weight, which makes me sleek and speedy, especially in the hot, flat places I race. That’s what I’ve tuned my body for over the past decade. God, it’ll be 11 years this weekend since I started riding seriously. And I’ve been skinny my entire life before that. Sure, I have leg muscles from all the cycling and running, but that doesn’t count for much.

And yeah, it’s shallow. But I’m in my 20s, where dating and relationships are still heavily influenced by looks and shallow aspects and everything else you notice on first and second impressions. I really do think that the combination of unassuming looks, introversion, aversion to drugs/alcohol and genial personality tip the balance toward the benign “he could be a great, caring friend” side of the scale as opposed to the “he could be a hot, loving boyfriend” side. But what would that scale look like if my looks went from unassuming to “wow, he’s hot.”

So let’s review where I’m at right now:

Dissatisfied with life. Possibly mildly depressed.

Burnt out from endurance training but still love the sport.

At a transition stage in life for the next six months. Belongings like sports equipment and clothing will be discarded or packed, and housing may change a few times.

Likely moving to an area where racing happens in the summer, not the winter like it does here.

Which means an awkward summer and fall where my normal endurance training is at a trough and everyone else is at their peak.

Likely moving to a new area, which means a whole different set of friends and potential dates.

Nutrition is actively managed with weekly prep sessions.

Solution to one of the main stressors likely involves changing myself physically, in a way I haven’t been able to because of endurance training.

Need a change.

Take all these factors together, stir them up and bake them for a few weeks of overthinking while on vacation and you get this:

Time to hit the gym.

For the past month I’ve been going down to my apartment’s gym three times a week and following the Starting Strength full-body routine. I haven’t ridden a bike or run or swam since February, apart from one crazy mountain bike race I did in Poland a few weeks ago. I’ve taught myself the basic lifts using Youtube and taking advice from a few friends who know about these things, and apart from that I’ve told almost nobody. I don’t intend to talk about it on Facebook either. I want to see who notices when I start to gain.

Because make no mistake, upper-body hypertrophy is the main goal here. There will be other benefits that hopefully will help in the long run, but first and foremost I want my shirts to not fit anymore. I want to stop poking extra holes in my watch bands. I want to catch people checking me out in the grocery store. I want to feel confident taking my shirt off at the beach or pool. I want to smile at myself in the half-length mirror in the morning.

I want people to think I’m hot. I want people to tell me I’m hot. I want to think I’m hot.

This doesn’t mean I’m taking up competitive bodybuilding or lifting. The long-term goal is still endurance sports. This move from cardio to the gym will last until winter, when it’ll be time for base miles and the start of the next (northern hemisphere) racing season. The goal is to be at the right weight and muscle mass by then, and then I’d focus on maintaining the gains while rebuilding endurance.

The gym should help in a few other ways. Having a stronger upper body will mean a much stronger swim, which has always been my weakest event. The core strength I’m looking to develop should help on longer bikes and runs. And I’m still working out my legs (even adding rotations on the leg machines, because my upper body can’t bear enough squatting weight to tire out my leg muscles yet), so the added strength there should help with technique stabilization and injury prevention.

This does mean I’ll lose cardio endurance, so I think realistically I’ll have to take a year or so to build up to half-Iron strength again, and two years to Iron strength. But my body knows what it’s like to have that much endurance already, and regaining is always easier than gaining for the first time.

Nutrition-wise, I’m ramping up the calories and shifting from a carb-based goal to a protein-based goal. I still have to drink my weight-gainer protein shake after I finish typing this up. My weight still fluctuates and I’m not always perfect in following my nutrition plan, but I’ve still weighed more this month than I ever have before. From age 16 until March my weight stayed mostly between 127 and 133 pounds, sometimes getting as high as 136. This month I hit 139 - so, so, close to the 140 mark. It’s down to 136.5 again now, but I hope to hit 140 on at least one day next month.

The gym focus also means I’ll be able to train consistently even as I move homes and do God-knows-what with my bikes and equipment. It’ll be good to have that kind of stability, even if I have to switch to bodyweight exercises for a bit.

It’s also refreshing to go back to the novice level. I’ve never gone consistently to the gym before, so I’ve had to teach myself everything. I had to figure out what my weight limits were, what exercises to do, what program to follow and even how to work some of the machines. I haven’t had to learn anything new in triathlon for years, by comparison. And I’m already making small gains.

I went to a triathlon team meeting for the first time in a while this weekend and opened up about the gym focus (though now all the reasons behind it). They were supportive and a few said I looked a little bigger - though that may have just been my clothing choice that day.

I’ll likely be leaving the UAE for good in July or August. It’s the middle of May now, which gives me about two months to gain enough to make an impression on those who last saw me in December. And six months until November kicks off the training season for 2018. This is new territory for me, so I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to grow by then.

But I know that I will be growing. I’ll be moving forward towards my goals.

And for endurance sports as well as life, momentum is a good thing.

(If you came here through Facebook, please don’t mention the relationship, job loss, country switching or gym focus on the comments about the post. I’m not keeping it a total secret, but I don’t want to broadcast it to the public yet.)

[thesuperhero-sessions]

The Superhero Sessions - Chapter 14

Coffee Shop Soundtrack

Sedona’s life had gotten back to the grind but an unexpected guest changes things.

*Author’s note:  Hey everyone! So, the last installment was in October - let’s consider that a mid-season hiatus while the network and producers decided if the show would be canceled or not. Well, thanks to THIS FUCKING PHOTO OH AND ALSO THIS ONE my muse came back long enough for me to take 30 min and write up this chapter. I really want to rename these as episodes because I’ve been viewing this as season one pretty much all along. I don’t owe any one an explanation, but basically the following 3 things happened that killed my muse: Tr*mp. Falling head over heels for one Mr. Sebastian Stan. Getting busy with work and kinda just forgetting how to be creative for a while. I don’t know if/when the next chapter will be posted, but here’s this. xoxo

Also, i titled this after i wrote it, but the song linked in the title kinda inspired said title

Tag list: If you’d like to be included, please follow and message me :)

@always-an-evans-addict @lillianfromaccounting

@ariallane @theycallmebecca @emilyevanston @thelookingglassalice @ss-buckybarnes @rogersxbarnesx @mewsiex @welp-heregoessomething @heather-lynn @alievans007 @mculove1 @knittingknerdy @toc1985

Triggers: None 

Word Count 1560

Masterlist

The light trickled in through the slats on the blinds, and Sedona winced, rolling over to try to stay asleep. She cuddled up against something warm and hard, her nails scraping gently over flesh as she breathed in the scent of mocha and leather. She felt her body pulled flush against the other and nuzzled her face into the broad chest.

“I feel you stirring.” The honey-coated voice spoke out, starting to pull her from her dreams.

“Mmmm not yet. Five more minutes. I don’t have class or work today. Please. Just let me.”

A finger ran up and down her shoulder blade. With all the use and manual labor, his hands should’ve been rougher, but his body would just rebuild. They were softer than silk. Sedona opened her eyes to come face to face with his chest, her fingers  finding the freckles on his pale skin to trace constellations. He laughed - a deep rumbling in his chest. “That tickles.”

Sedona’s chin was lifted to look at the man in her bed. A thick but well maintained beard speckled with hints of auburn in the sunlight. His hair had grown out more, and was now a rich mahogany. But those eyes were still the same. A pale turquoise sparkling like the ocean, yes, with hints of green. Those green flecks that she’d come to memorize. “What happened to five more minutes?” The man asked, his plump lips falling into a lopsided smirk, his brows arched as he regarded her.

Her body felt warm and tingly and soon she realized that there was a satisfying ache between her thighs. A welcome reminder of the night’s events, only fading to have a new desire take it’s place. “Maybe those five minutes are better suited doing something else.”

Steve smirked. “Five minutes? Since when has it ever been only five minutes.” He rolled them over and lowered his lips to her ear. “Babe, you’re not leaving this bed today.”

Sedona jostled awake as her alarm went off, which she promptly shut off. Another was set for 40 minutes from now. He groaned and nearly sobbed for a moment that the bliss was all just a dream. Again. They’d gotten more frequent over the recent months,and what frightened her most was that it wasn’t just simple sex dreams. It was cuddly morning afters. Simple dinners. Grocery shopping. Okay, well, the grocery shopping one involved a unicorn on roller blades and an alligator wearing a hat and trenchcoat trying to sell them insurance for a rocket ship...but other than that it was completely normal.

Months had passed since her trip to Clint’s farm, and she got lost in her rigorous classwork. Sam would touch base with her, especially since she started running the meetings for him. He wanted to be kept in the loop with those he’d been helping. Tony dropped by her apartment unannounced on more than one occasion, and she thanked the gods of every religion that she was always walking in on him  sitting on her couch rather than him walking in on her hanging out in just her underwear. He’d tried to give her an apartment in the city, but she kept telling him no, that it didn’t feel right. Tony finally stopped but the following month she’d found her tuition and student loans to all be paid off. She was frustrated, but couldn’t be mad at him. He was throwing money at...well, not at his problems, but at his lack of them? Pepper still hadn’t taken him back, he missed his friends, and he still hated the government. He had problems - real world ones - and the were harder to solve than aliens, gods, and sentient robots combined.

But it was the day that Steve showed back up in her life that had floored her. She was locking up her office when she spotted a tall, handsome, and vaguely familiar man speaking with someone, who pointed her way. When he smiled and gave an awkward wave, her knees felt like they were going to buckle under her. His hair was a dark brown, as was his full beard.

“Steve! Hey!” She made her way over to him and into his welcome arms. He gave her a squeeze and pulled back enough to look at her.

“No, um, it’s Grant.” he said, nodding with a serious face that dissolved into a smile. “Do you wanna grab some coffee? Catch up? I’ve been doing some soul searching since you left...and I could really use someone to talk to.”

“Is everything alright?” Her face flashed from elation to worry in a millisecond.

“No, no, everything and everyone are fine.” He said, letting his hands hold her shoulders as though she’d drop at any moment. Relief washed over her and she nodded, letting him lead the way.

“So, what are you doing back in New York? Can’t possibly be just for little ol’ me.” Sedona teased.

They sat with their drinks and his eyes twinkled. “And why not? Are you not worth of someone making a trip to see you?”

She could feel the blood rush to her cheeks, and took a sip of her still too hot chocolate to mask it.

“No, I did come out here to start seeing you again. I think you could really help me out. All of us. I just have this knot in my stomach that things won’t be peaceful for long...and I’d really like to have my head on straight for once in my life.  I know you can’t fix me overnight, but I’m willing to start. I’ve never run from a fight, so now I should probably start battling my demons, huh.”

Sedona was a little disheartened that it was basically just a patient visit, but she was still pleased. “I’m surprised no one’s recognized you out here, Grant. Pretty brave risking getting caught.”

He just laughed. “No one has any idea.” He shook his head. “I kinda like it, though. For the first time since I strapped on those tights...I get to just be me.” He stroked his beard. “To risk a pun, this is really growing on me.”

His good mood was infectious. This wasn’t the man she met a few months ago, nor the one she’d studied for so long. She realized how creepy that actually was and knew in that moment she’d never be able to have a relationship with him. Obviously he was a patient and that was illegal, but how do you tell someone you’ve practically obsessed over them since you were a toddler? She shook the thought out of her mind as he mentioned having a gift for her.

“Ste-Grant...you shouldn’t have, really.” He produced a folded piece of paper and slid it over to her.

“I’ve started drawing again. I forgot how much I loved it - and not just doodles, full portraits and scenes. I’ve started to use it to help process my emotions. There was this one that I drew back during the war, a monkey on a -”

“unicycle...I’ve seen it. Tony has it in his office.”

“He does?” Steve paused, looking thoughtful, shaking his head with a light laugh. “Well, go on, look at it.”

She unfolded it and it was a photographically rendered portrait of a woman. Her back was to the viewer and she was practicing archery. It was drawn from midback up, and only a quarter of her face could be seen. Even with the rest hidden, it was clear she had a determined gaze and furrowed brow. She almost looked pissed, but was drawn with such care to make her still look beautiful. The piece was signed, dated, and titled Artemis.

“Is this…?” She furrowed her own brow, looking at it in greater detail, looking up to her companion.

“Yeah, that’s you. From when you were shooting with Clint. I saw you look over after we’d laughed and the expression on your face...You looked like a hunter about to destroy their prey. It was captivating. And...I just want you to know that us laughing had nothing to do with your archery.” He waved his hands across the table, gesturing as he spoke.

“This is….I can’t even...words.” She laughed. “This is amazing. No one’s ever given me something like this before. Thank you. I’m going to get it framed.” Sedona reached forward to give his hand a squeeze.

A woman with long wavy blonde hair had entered the cafe and took her sunglasses off as she looked around. She approached their table and smiled, resting a hand on Steve’s shoulder as she said hi to Sedona.

“Hey!” Steve stood and melted his body against the woman, kissing her cheek. The woman looked to be under 30, but had a hard demeanor. She’s seen some shit in her life and had to toughen up. But the way she smiled back at Steve showed she was kind behind it all. A strong and confident woman, like the rest in the Captain’s life, she reached a hand across the table to Sedona in a firm handshake.

“You must be Sedona.” For once, her name was used instead of qualifiers or job descriptions. “Steve’s told me all about  you.” She rested her hand on his thick pectoral. “I’m Sharon, it’s great to finally meet you.”

[brandnuswagga]

The Unemployed Chronicles pt. 7 Keep the Faith

I had been meaning to add another installment to the #unemployedchronicles but I always got sidetracked. Last night while playing GTA 5 (my new found outlet) I had an urging then on this morning I had an interesting phone call that cemented my intentions. This month has been tough for me. I lost someone who was like a 2nd mother to me. There are no words that can describe how I felt and still feel. Then my boys, my sons, whom I have been with since 2013 or 2014, had decided that they would be returning to me the upcoming school year. I was floored. I had watched the younger one leave, from my home, for the 1st day of school since the 4th grade. He is now going to the 8th grade (I hate Facebook Memories). I could not focus on the boys leaving because that would do more damage than good. I had another important date quickly approaching that I was not looking forward to and a home-going celebration to prepare for. My god-sister called me and asked if I would do a slideshow that would play during the viewing portion of the home-going celebration, I agreed. The funny thing is that my godmother had me prepare for this nearly a year ago. She asked me to come over and take all the photos off her phone and put them on her computer so that I could do a slideshow movie. I didn't understand why she wanted me to back then but I understand now. Fast forward, I get through the home-going, not without balling my eyes out and having more than a few breakdown moments. The family came together and celebrated her life, love, and legacy on August 16th & 17th she would have wanted. Their strength during that time was nothing short of amazing. Her daughter, by God grace and mercy, gathered enough strength not to only sing a solo but also to speak about her mother but also give us words of encouragement. Her son spoke as well then reminded us that she is sleep that we will see her again in that "great getting up morning". Whew, I'm tearing up thinking about it, moving on. We came together again on August 20th, for what would have been her 55th birthday, for a balloon release. Again, the family pulled together against anguish, grief, and pain and celebrated her once again. While I am yet grieving the loss of my godmother and the fact that my boys aren't returning August 21st walks right in. August 21st marked the day I was let go from the hotel and the last day I was employed full-time. I was saddened that I had not (in my mind) progressed in 2 years. I was still without full-time employment. I was still living with my mother. I am without my boys for the 1st time in about 5 or 6 years. I was at a crossroads of my life at 40 years old. I don't consult too many people because their advice is counterproductive for me. I have lived my life taking care of others for so long and now I have no one to take care of but myself. I know I need to give myself some "me time" and I have been for the better part of the summer since the boys left. I have taken myself to the movies. I have gone out to eat. I have catered to me. But I had not focused on me. Focusing on me meant, mind, body, and soul, it meant emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It meant a mental health check (just talking to someone about what's going on with you). I know that taboo but I love me too much and I feel like that I can't pull off (fashion-wise) that white jacket with the extra-long sleeves and buckles. I can't do white rooms and I am not for any more extended stays in any more state-run facilities that are not my home (don't ask). I had to be aware of my physical health. After my accident in July, I have been experiencing some back and leg pains. I have been going to doctors and physical therapy and it has helped. I have lost about 12lbs within the last month. I contribute the weight loss to PT and also some to life's unforeseen circumstances. My goal is to drop an additional 63lbs, y'all pray for me. The last one, soul & spirit, is the most important because it is tied to my spirit. You see if I am not fit spiritually and my soul is not anchored, then this past month I would have been a wreck. The losses and devastation have taken a toll on me but it has not taken me out. I had an interesting phone call today with my nephew, Brandon. I was facing some hardships and it was beginning to weigh him down so much that he starts to doubt and question whether he should throw in the towel. We bantered back and forth on various subjects and scenarios until something hit me. Had I not going through a certain race in my life back in 2009 then I would not have been able to endure this hurdles I am facing now in 2019. If I had not gotten over the mountain then, I would not be able to deal with the hill of today. I understand what faith and patience is because I had to have them both to get out of the valley of shadows and death. I had to have faith and patience then to believe that God was going to bring me out and restore me (my godmother told me that 15yrs ago). I had to believe that a door was going to open for me and it did in 2010. My faith and patience along with the saints' prayers produce a job that normally would not have been possible for me to have. Remember with God nothing is impossible. I was blessed to be able to not only obtain the job but also be promoted to the top. I was blessed to be able to give my godson his first job. I was able to give some people the same opportunity that was given to me. Life was good. But now, I am in the same position I was in 10 years ago and I have to stand and believe that the same God that did it then will do it now. I have been on countless interviews. I have submitted resumes endlessly. I have applied to hundreds of jobs and nothing has come of it. The conversation between my nephew and I went on and I had to tell him that I have experienced dark time and they will pass. I just have to keep believing that "This too will pass." That means I have to keep applying to jobs. I have to keep submitting my resume. I have to keep going on these interviews because God WILL open a door. God WILL make a way. God WILL answer. I have to believe that He WILL because if I give up then I doomed. I will have accepted failure. I will be the thing that I despise the most and scares me as well; a sorry ass man who lives at home with his momma and does nothing all day. He looks to be taken care of without putting forth an effort to care for himself. He has placed his care and well-being in the hands of others while he sits and does nothing. That very thing pushes me each and every day to get out of the house and do something. I contribute to the household and I try to be as helpful as I can. My mom is great but can be too easy and that annoys me so much. Mothers, wives, girlfriends, sisters, cousin, fathers, brothers, etc, don't make it easy for any man to live with you and not contribute to the household. If he is not being an asset then he is a liability. Set rules and boundaries. Give him a reasonable timeline that is can/will be adjusted based on his activity, meaning if he is not doing anything then his timeline is very short. However, if he is out there grinding and pounding the pavement and things are not moving as fast but he is trying then extend the timeline as you see fit. Do not allow a man to sit do nothing and be nothing under your watch. You will leave the earth one day and there is a chance that no one else will but up with your baby so make him move. Push him out the nest. Throw him in the water because anything less would be a disservice to him in the long run. Set rules for your home and he must live by. People with no other place to go will follow those rules and those that don't must have another spot that can lay up. In closing, I don't know who you are but don't give up. God timing and your timing are not the same. I have struggled with the fact that I am 40yrs old trying to find a good-paying job so that I can restart my life (again!) but I have to remember the story of Abraham and Sarah. When I see visions of myself working and in my own home but the surroundings of today don't match up, I have to remember that David was anointed to be king when he was a youth or adolescent but did not become king until he was 30 years old. God is always on time. God will never leave you nor forsake you. God is working things out in the unseen so when it is your time, you will walk in it with ease. So wake up each day expecting it to be the day and carry on with the expectancy, thankfulness, and gratitude. Remember, each day you wake up is God saying "I'm not finished with you yet." Today will be great and tomorrow will be better. Believe in the unbelievable. Wait with expectancy. Don't focus on what you have lost but focus on what you still have. Be thankful because it truly could be worse but God's grace and mercy have kept you and will continue to until He calls you home.

[180brg]

Mark 9

Then he drove it home by saying, “This isn’t pie in the sky by and by. Some of you who are standing here are going to see it happen, see the kingdom of God arrive in full force.”

In a Light-Radiant Cloud

2-4 Six days later, three of them did see it. Jesus took Peter, James, and John and led them up a high mountain. His appearance changed from the inside out, right before their eyes. His clothes shimmered, glistening white, whiter than any bleach could make them. Elijah, along with Moses, came into view, in deep conversation with Jesus.

5-6 Peter interrupted, “Rabbi, this is a great moment! Let’s build three memorials—one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah.” He blurted this out without thinking, stunned as they all were by what they were seeing.

7 Just then a light-radiant cloud enveloped them, and from deep in the cloud, a voice: “This is my Son, marked by my love. Listen to him.”

8 The next minute the disciples were looking around, rubbing their eyes, seeing nothing but Jesus, only Jesus.

9-10 Coming down the mountain, Jesus swore them to secrecy. “Don’t tell a soul what you saw. After the Son of Man rises from the dead, you’re free to talk.” They puzzled over that, wondering what on earth “rising from the dead” meant.

11 Meanwhile they were asking, “Why do the religion scholars say that Elijah has to come first?”

12-13 Jesus replied, “Elijah does come first and get everything ready for the coming of the Son of Man. They treated this Elijah like dirt, much like they will treat the Son of Man, who will, according to Scripture, suffer terribly and be kicked around contemptibly.”

There Are No Ifs

14-16 When they came back down the mountain to the other disciples, they saw a huge crowd around them, and the religion scholars cross-examining them. As soon as the people in the crowd saw Jesus, admiring excitement stirred them. They ran and greeted him. He asked, “What’s going on? What’s all the commotion?”

17-18 A man out of the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought my mute son, made speechless by a demon, to you. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and goes stiff as a board. I told your disciples, hoping they could deliver him, but they couldn’t.”

19-20 Jesus said, “What a generation! No sense of God! How many times do I have to go over these things? How much longer do I have to put up with this? Bring the boy here.” They brought him. When the demon saw Jesus, it threw the boy into a seizure, causing him to writhe on the ground and foam at the mouth.

21-22 He asked the boy’s father, “How long has this been going on?”

“Ever since he was a little boy. Many times it pitches him into fire or the river to do away with him. If you can do anything, do it. Have a heart and help us!”

23 Jesus said, “If? There are no ‘ifs’ among believers. Anything can happen.”

24 No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, “Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!”

25-27 Seeing that the crowd was forming fast, Jesus gave the vile spirit its marching orders: “Dumb and deaf spirit, I command you—Out of him, and stay out!” Screaming, and with much thrashing about, it left. The boy was pale as a corpse, so people started saying, “He’s dead.” But Jesus, taking his hand, raised him. The boy stood up.

28 After arriving back home, his disciples cornered Jesus and asked, “Why couldn’t we throw the demon out?”

29 He answered, “There is no way to get rid of this kind of demon except by prayer.”

30-32 Leaving there, they went through Galilee. He didn’t want anyone to know their whereabouts, for he wanted to teach his disciples. He told them, “The Son of Man is about to be betrayed to some people who want nothing to do with God. They will murder him. Three days after his murder, he will rise, alive.” They didn’t know what he was talking about, but were afraid to ask him about it.

So You Want First Place?

33 They came to Capernaum. When he was safe at home, he asked them, “What were you discussing on the road?”

34 The silence was deafening—they had been arguing with one another over who among them was greatest.

35 He sat down and summoned the Twelve. “So you want first place? Then take the last place. Be the servant of all.”

36-37 He put a child in the middle of the room. Then, cradling the little one in his arms, he said, “Whoever embraces one of these children as I do embraces me, and far more than me—God who sent me.”

38 John spoke up, “Teacher, we saw a man using your name to expel demons and we stopped him because he wasn’t in our group.”

39-41 Jesus wasn’t pleased. “Don’t stop him. No one can use my name to do something good and powerful, and in the next breath cut me down. If he’s not an enemy, he’s an ally. Why, anyone by just giving you a cup of water in my name is on our side. Count on it that God will notice.

42 “On the other hand, if you give one of these simple, childlike believers a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t. You’d be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck.

43-48 “If your hand or your foot gets in God’s way, chop it off and throw it away. You’re better off maimed or lame and alive than the proud owner of two hands and two feet, godless in a furnace of eternal fire. And if your eye distracts you from God, pull it out and throw it away. You’re better off one-eyed and alive than exercising your twenty-twenty vision from inside the fire of hell.

49-50 “Everyone’s going through a refining fire sooner or later, but you’ll be well-preserved, protected from the eternal flames. Be preservatives yourselves. Preserve the peace.”

[lacysimone]

You know who you are....

Dear Sir,

You assumed by taking the “tough love” approach that you were helping me today. That’s what I’m assuming. I also choose to assume that you had no idea how thin the walls in our office are so that when you raised your voice that it was not with the intent for half of our office to hear. You had no idea that the woman you told was being a pain in the ass and was the reason for the low morale and problems in the office would take your words and create a weapon that would be wielded repeatedly throughout the day slicing and bruising and destroying every shred of dignity she has left. How could you know that in telling her to be the person she was 3 years ago that you were essentially telling her that she was more likable and better off as the mentally battered shell of a woman she was when you hired her? How could you possibly understand that the person you tore apart as a sore on the backside of the office was the result of almost a year of intense soul searching, growth, learning love and unlearning a cycle of abuse and self-hate that started almost 30 years ago? There’s no possible way you would know that the woman you verbally dissected and insisted change was a woman who had finally learned to love herself, who was finally comfortable in her own skin, who was proud of the woman she had become and was becoming, who saw her own growth and was pleased with the results? Who finally just learned the power within her? Who just learned that she is capable of saying no? Of deciding not to take whatever is dumped upon her and was learning to speak up instead of rolling over? You see, you had no idea when you questioned my professionalism that it was that very professionalism that allowed for me to come to work each and every day for over 2 years and not show the effects of what was happening at home. You had no clue that my ability to cover up for my coworkers lack of professionalism came so easy because I’ve been covering up for people at the risk of my own mental and phsycial well-being for much of my life. You were unaware that the woman who came to your office later in the day to apologize for being a  burden was not a woman who had taken the time to think over her words and actions and was apologizing from a sense of remorse but a woman who has been well trained to apologize for her very existence as a means of survival. You didn’t see a woman filled with regret, no, instead you saw a woman who was broken.... again. The silent tears you were met with were not regret but fear. Fear of not being able to support her family should she tell the truth. Fear of being further labeled unstable if she continued to speak up or plead her case. Fear of being ignored or worse if she were to present the facts in front of the audience you chose. Fear of being silenced in unspeakable ways because there is no one to stand with her to protect her when she can’t protect herself. 

You tried to humble me yet how do you humble the humbled? You don’t. You break them instead. That is what you did. You crushed me. Publicly, loudly, without evidence or proof. And you did it in the face of those who wanted it to happen. Had you taken the time to dig a little deeper you could have seen the honesty behind my words. Had you asked me before jumping to conclusions I could have defended myself. Instead you amushed me. You stomped on the foundation I’ve been carefully building and you grinded it to dust under your feet. But I forgive you. I forgive you because to hate you would be to let you win. I forgive you becaus I serve a God who will set all wrongs to rights and I know, because I believe, that one day you will see the truth. And that truth will eat you alive. You claim to know me, to get me, to understand me, to want to help me. Did you know that the bubbly giggles you were so used to hearing around the office were a mask to keep from crying? Did you know the pain I was in many of the days that you were so loudly remincing upon? Did you understand that the days when I was the first person in the office and the last person out that it was because those 8 - 10 hours at my desk were the only moments of peace I could snatch out of a day? The only times I felt truly safea and untouchable? Do you get that when I was joyously celebrating with my coworkers over the purchase of their new homes, or the birth of their new child, or the acquisition of their new car and so on that my very life was caving in around me? Did you know that the car I’m teased about daily is the answr to years of prayer so that I could obtain freedom to come and go as I pleased and even get to work without threats? Did you know when you were expounding on how well I’m compensated for my work in order to prove a point of the ungratefulness of my current behavior how many times I’ve worked through lunch because I couldn’t afford to eat? Do you get that it is only through the grace of God that I still have a roof over my head because it surely isn’t the pittance I receive working 2 jobs for the low cost of one under your supervision? Are you able to comprehend that while you were telling me that I am causing extreme duress to my coworkers because of my dour attitude that the majority of your employees regularly compliment me on how refresthing it is to work with me, how I always have a smile on my face, how hard I work and so on? Did you stop to consider that perhaps it would have been wiser to consult with more than the select few who allowed you to shame yourself in calling me a liar? And that my high blood pressure, regular migraines and ulcer like stomach ailments are the only signs of duress in our office place which you should be aware of considering you pay my healthcare bill. And when you accused me of setting you up for a frivoulous lawsuit that the only person who has made mention of lawyers has been you? And when you told me that my fear of being terminated without cause is mental did you forget that I overheard you just a few months back threatening to do just that?

No you obviously did not because if you had you could not possibly have conducted yourself the way you did so today. No, because no reasonable person would publicly humiliate and shame a person the way you did me today. You did not know, just like you don’t know now, the fight I face daily just to come back to work not knowing what new battle I’m going to face this day. You don’t know the anxiety I feel just walking through the doors into the unknown, but guaranteed, cycle of microaggressions and outright pettiness with no means of relief. To quit my job would be to threaten my families well-being and no amount of suffering will lead me to intentionally cause my children harm. It is not respect of you nor love of my job that keeps me coming back day after day but love for my children and a determination not to fail them. It is my faith that God has a purpose and a plan even in this that keeps me coming back. 

But I hope that the next time you choose “tough love” over the humane and decent approach that you consider this.... the person you may be tearing to shreds might be a person who has scraped, prayed, cried, stretched, loved and dragged themselves back to living a life reborn from a place of misery so low that they didn’t even want to go on anymore. That’s another thing you didn’t know. This week marks 4 years almost to the day that I was trapped in a depression so deep I almost took my own life. It is only God’s mercy that I was even here for you to do what you did to me today. And for the 1st time since that day I found myself questioning why God allowed me to pull thorugh that and all that has happened since then just to bring me to that conference room today. You loudly repeated every word that was drilled into me for 3 years. You made me feel every insult spoken as truth, every lie spoken as reality, every ounce of the abuse that shredded the self esteem I was lacking during the so-called golden years of my employment with you and then you encouraged me to take it all back not even knowing what you were telling me to do. You told me the person I have finally learned to love after 35 years wasn’t good enough and you did it supposedly out of “love” .

And I forgive you because I refuse to believe one person can be so cruel. I refuse to believe one person can be so vile. I refuse to believe one intelligent person can be so naive that he could not see the writing on the wall when his intervention could have been life altering in a good way yet so blind that he would misread the writing now. 

You almost destroyed me with your words today but I serve a God who takes those things meant to destroy you and uses them for your benefit and His glory. And for that I am grateful - to Him. And I am grateful to you for reminding me that my help, my salvation comes from Him and Him alone.

[musicdish]

Bongo Boy Records Out Of The Of Garage Vol 3 Includes 60's Iconic Rockers And Award Winning International Indie Artists

Bongo Boy has released another album featuring tracks from one of my favorite genres, Garage Rock and they have asked me to share my thoughts regarding the album. So, it is with high expectations I cue up a pre-release copy of Out Of the Garage Volume 3. First up is the Doug MacDonald Band with their song Jacks Joke Shop - This is a great track! Firstly, I like the pounding drums and the buzz of the guitar. What really makes me smile though is the fact that Doug has managed to incorporate the old "Pull my finger" joke into the song. He isn't done there though, he also manages to bring up Mickey Mouse kazoos and whoopee cushions. Who says Punks don't have a sense of humor. Track 2 - The Sloths - One Way Out - Out of the box I like these guys, because they have such a cool name. (Of course this is coming from a guy whose ex-wife insisted that my Indian name would be Lazy Pig...). The Sloths are not afraid to play less than thrash speed music. This is a strange song that I actually really like. The closest description I can think of is Charlie Daniels' demented cousin. The Sloths have some serious story telling chops although whereas Daniels sings about patriotism and vigilante justice, the Sloths describe a dystopia that would make Margaret Atwood nod in agreement. (If you are wondering who Margaret Atwood is, read her story The Handmaid's Tale). Track 3 - British Invasion All Stars - Shapes Of Things - Man, what a great song! The name of the band says it all. This track is pure British Invasion. Weird psychedelic guitars and haunting harmonies. I find myself thinking that perhaps this is a dusty track from the past. I really like the guitar! Despite the Flower Child vibe, this is a rocking song that I will listen to over and over. (featuring members of The Yardbirds, Procol Harum, Jimi Hendrix, Experience, The Pretty Things, The Creation, Downliners Sect and Nashville Teens) Track 4 - Susan SurfTone - Bottom Of My Glass - Up front I have to say, I really like Susan's music. She can ROCK. I love music like this. Bands like Susan's or the Gore Gore Girls really make me smile. Why you ask? Simple, so many idiots seem to think women can't rock. Well, listen to Susan SurfTone and tell me women can't rock. Ha! This chick blows the roof off - and I love it! Man, I would love to see her live show. What fantastic guitar work, really this is great stuff. Track 5 - Kyla - Don't Ya Worry 'bout Me - Kyla has a very good voice. Personally, I could listen to her sing all day. She just grooves; she has enough snarl in her voice to be provocative. All in all Kyla provides the listener with a pleasant musical escape - she also make me laugh. The Mr. Ed imitation along with the Bela Lugosiesque singing of the word fangs cracks me up. The thing that makes this song fun is that the listener has the feeling that Kyla is in on the joke. Lest, you are tempted to think this song might devolve into a parody, the moments of humor are just that, moments from which Kyla quickly returns to her signature strong soulful expression of emotion. All in all Kyla made me smile and I enjoyed her song. Give it a listen. I think you will like it too. Track 6 - Barley Station - Must Be Something - I dig the rhythm and the minimalist guitar around the edges are really nice. I find myself nodding my head in time to the drummer's enthusiastic pounding. Lest you think this song is simply an infectious rhythm, I should mention that the vocals are really...sweet. The singer has a very nice voice that somehow blends in well with the incessant banging of the drums. Track 7 - Pamela Davis - You Make Me Feel Special - This track starts off with a funky groove that really got my attention. The vocals are good, but, for me, what makes this song is that I can easily imagine a young band cutting their teeth on this track. The music is fairly simple yet when all of the pieces come together the end result is a really good jam. I think the most difficult part of this song for any young band would be getting the vocals right. Nevertheless, I love songs like this because they are simply pure rock and roll. (I even dig the little out take at the end.) Track 8 - The Forty Nineteens - I'm Free - First off, I dig the Forty Nineteens. If you have not heard their version of Frosty the Snowman, I strongly recommend you give it a listen. LISTEN to this song! This is one of the best, garage/ rock songs I have heard. Man, the guitar is just outrageously intense. I swear I hear some old R&B keyboards way in the back. The singer has such an intense, emotion-filled voice with which he proclaims his joy at having recently been released from a less than desirable situation; I just can't help but smile and wish him well. Track 9 - Mark Lindsay - New Thing - I became a Mark Lindsay fan when I reviewed his album Life Out Loud. If you have not heard it, you really should give the record a listen. I freely admit that if you had told me about Mark Lindsay from Paul Revere & the Raiders five years ago, I would have laughed and asked if he was still wearing that stupid blue three cornered hat. Live and learn is all I can say. This track is absolutely fantastic. Similar to the above mentioned album, this track features really strong vocals and blistering guitar! Add in the grinding, gnarly groove and what you have is simply magic! This is my favorite song on the entire album. Well, done Mark, well done indeed! Track 10 - Nick Marr - Tell Me Why - Killer! I dig the intro with the lone guitar cranking out the riff. In come the vocals and the rest of the band and all I can do is grin. Watch out, a wicked lick might sneak up on you. These guys are having so much fun, I find myself wishing I was in this band. This track is a true rock and roll gem. Track 11 - Susan SurfTone - Up Down and All Around - Susan is back with a 2:30 blast of intensity. This song has an almost Doo Wop feel until Susan really plugs in and kicks out a blinding guitar jam. Man, I still want to see Susan live! Her show must be brilliant. Track 12 - Spyder Darling - New York Walkabout - What a cool song. I keep asking myself is this song a cover? There is a definite Lou Reed vibe here. The vocals are nothing short of haunting; the background vocals provide a stark contrast to the lead vocals and together they simply smoke. The underlying grinding rhythm is enthralling as the rest of the band grinds in time and the vocals resonate with pain. This combined with the almost orchestral sounds in the background make one realize this track is much deeper than one would think. Track 13 - Gar Francis - Rainy Day Women #12 &35 - How exactly do you cover a legend? Especially a legend built on the solid foundation of aggressive intellect? I am not sure I can answer that question, but what I can say is that Gar Francis knows the answer! Listen to this song. Gar has taken a sip from the cup of the gods. Gar is a wicked player who can get some nasty, gritty sounds out of his guitar. The vocals have a decidedly menacing snarl which are dripping with sarcasm. Simply put, it takes a punk to cover the proto-punk. Gar is that punk. Listen to this song and tell me if I am wrong. I give this track 5 out of 5 scowls. Track 14 - Zombie Garden Club - A Whiter Shade Of Pale ft. Johnny Douglas - I was excited to listen to the Zombie Garden Club's newest single which is a cover of Procol Harum's 1967 single A Whiter Shade of Pale. I was unsure how Johnny Douglas, the head Zombie in the club, would handle such an iconic song. (Johnny, before I listened to the track I half expected something similar to Marilyn Manson's cover of Come Together or Siouxsie and The Banshees cover of Dear Prudence.) Simply put, this song is nothing like either of those covers, although a strong case can be made that Siouxsie's version of Dear Prudence is quite beautiful. Listen to this song. You will be amazed. If I were to sum up the Zombie Garden Club's cover of A Whiter Shade of Pale in one word that word would be beautiful. There is really nothing more to say. The piano is beautiful and his vocals will send a chill down your spine. I am literally speechless. I could go on about the soulfulness of his voice or the fact that Johnny studied classical music for several years in his native Canada, but sometimes it is best to simply let the music speak for itself. Listen to this song. You will be blown away. I was. Track 15 - The Chords UK - Dedicated Follower of Fashion - God I love rock and roll! This song is great. The music is fun and energetic while the vocals are just over the top and dripping with good old Punk irony. I have a feeling that these guys put on a really fun show! So folks, what is the bottom line you ask? The bottom line is the third time really is the charm. While each of the Out of the Garage albums is good, in my mind, this one is the best! ---- The Grouch Website: http://www.bongoboyrecords.com Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjEpV1JN-lk