#griffith x female reader

[angelltheninth]

Could Griffith make you submit?

Anon... there is not a single part of me that would submit to that man. But you did inspire me to write this so thank you.

Pairing: Griffith x Fem!Reader

Tags: nsfw, smut, hate sex, rough sex, biting, hair-pulling, fight for dominance, insults, banter

Ko-Fi | Rules | Fandoms and Characters | Commissions

A/N: He has the most pullable hair. Plus I love characters with white hair, usually. He is a very rare exception, but still looks pretty.

Whoever said that the line between love and hate is thin they were correct. On some days you got along with him just fine, on other days it was a knife fight, sword fight, fist fight, but it always ended the same way, with the two of you tangled up in bed together.

"Ouch! How many times do I have to tell you-?!" You pulled him away from your neck, saw him grinning down at the new bite mark he made, "No. Biting." You warned but he smiled wider.

"You can say it all you want. You know I won't listen." He never listened to anyone but himself. Especially when he set his mind on something. It's what made him so infuriating to deal with most of the time. Griffith chuckled as you glared at him. "I'd much rather listen to this."

He pushes his cock deep inside of you, his balls smacking against your ass. As you gasp from the way your pussy is being stretched he leans back down to bite the other side of your neck.

"Fucker." You pull him back again and scratch your hands against his scalp.

"Bitch." He retorts back with a cocky grin, his hips picking up the pace, "You think you can insult me and get away with it?"

Now it's your turn to grin, "I know I can. I'm the only one who can. Because you love this too. You love fucking me. Manwhore."

"Cockslut."

"In your dreams." You wrap your legs around him and lip him into his back, your hands grabbing his wrists and pinning him down. If there's one thing he absolutely hates that's you being on top.

"And your nightmares." Griffith met your hips in a rough sync, his hands digging into your thighs and keeping you against him. "You talk so much, you say you hate me, you fight me at every turn and yet... Here. You. Are." He grunted and moved his cock in and out. "Pussy drooling on my cock. If you hate me so much you should get off." As if he would let you go anywhere before he's satisfied.

You leaned down and cradled his face in your hands, "Let you off so easily? I don't think so." Before he could talk back yet again you pushed your fingers into his mouth. Griffith eyes widened for a moment before he bit them, not hard enough to make you pull back but enough to leave more teeth marks. "We're not done yet Griffith, not yet. Not until you come into my pussy like I know you want to."

Griffith bit down harder, growling curses at you as he pushed you down against him, his cock throbbing as you moaned on top if him.

"Cocky bitch." With both hands he smacked your ass, making your body jolt on top of him, "If you want my cum so badly then stay right here until it's all in you. I'm not letting you off my cock until you can't do anything but moan my name." That wasn't an empty threat, you knew, but you also knew he was gonna have to work to make it happen.

[eemcintyre]

Masterlist alert

Something to Talk About universe

Something to Talk About - you and 90s!Tom are secretly married, and while on vacation, you realize that the press has finally caught you together and published the photos.

One More Night - It’s the last night of you and Tom’s vacation where your relationship was uncovered by the media. He surprises you with a motorcycle ride, a beautiful view, and a special gift to close the day out.

All Eyes on Us - Oscars night finally arrives and you and Tom make your official debut as a couple. You are overwhelmed by the attention and some invasive interview questions, but Tom supports you through it.

Production assistant reader x TC

The Door is Open - you are a production assistant on the set of a 90s Tom Cruise movie, and he steps in when one of his costars threatens you.

Behind Closed Doors - Over the last several weeks since you met Tom on the movie set where you work, you have discovered an undeniable attraction to each other. Although neither one of you is sure where it will lead, you’ve been getting the tension out with secretive meetings in his trailer.

Parental fics

Good Morning - Trying to make up for how busy he's been lately, Tom takes your daughter off your hands for the morning and obv cuteness ensues.

Flipped - Tom's daughter keeps him company from her playpen while he cooks dinner.

Miscellaneous fics

Surprise Me - One of your friends, after a poor track record of setting you up on dates, gets one more chance and makes the most of it. You meet the date for dinner at an elegant NYC restaurant to discover that your friend has set you up with Tom Cruise.

Repaying the Favor - Tom comes home to find you in a great deal of pain because ~it’s that time of the month amirite ladies~, and he does what he can to try and make things better, despite you insisting that you can handle it.

All or Nothing at All - Attending a friend's wedding compels Tom to ask you an important ~question~, and it invites a conversation about the direction of your relationship and your anxieties about it.

It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over - (Sequel to "All or Nothing at All") After a long time of being apart, you and Tom reunite, but what should have been a pleasant evening turns into a fight when Tom's exhaustion and frustration causes his personal issues to make an appearance.

Thirty Minutes - You're making last-minute preparations for the Halloween gathering that you and Tom are hosting. Since you have a tendency to go overboard with these kinds of events, Tom has to remind you to have some fun.

Cruel to be Kind universe

Cruel to be Kind - Terry finds out that a coworker has been bothering you and you insist he stays out of it, but he takes matters into his own hands. Literally.

Tainted Love - You are in extreme turmoil after the... incident... at the house. While doing everything in your power to avoid Terry, you're trying to figure out what you should do and how you feel about who he's revealed himself to be.

Both Sides Now - You have an intense nightmare and Terry comforts you. The next morning, after a great deal of thought, you finally decide the future of your relationship.

Enemies-to-lovers/fake dating series

Let the Games Begin - Terry Silver (80s edition™️) is determined to claim the one woman at Dynatox who doesn't appear to be interested in him, and he concocts an elaborate scheme by which to do so.

Looking the Part - Valerie visits the luxury shops of Rodeo Drive to prepare for her role as Terry's girlfriend. Afterward, she and Terry meet for lunch, and then they practice how to kiss each other for the first time.

Playing the Part - The vibes between Valerie and Terry are now noticeably different. Terry arranges for the media to discover them when they soft-launch their relationship to the public at a cafe.

People Will Say We're in Love - The first news story about Valerie and Terry is released, and Valerie must cope with heightened scrutiny from her family, friends, and strangers. She also learns that Terry will be hosting a cocktail party to welcome the investment group and that she needs to be there.

Miscellaneous fics

Wicked Game - Terry Silver takes an interest in one of his adult students; an innocent and inexperienced girl with an obvious crush on him.

Who Am I To You? - Reader is embarrassed to ask Terry (CK era) if she can call him by a certain title.

Reunion - You and Terry spend a night together in the bath after a long time apart.

"The Firm" (1993)

"Cocktail" (1988)

"Ulterior Motives" (1992)

"Crackerjack" (1994)

"Excessive Force" (1993)

"Hollow Point" (1996)

"Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision" (2003)

"Seawolf: The Pirate's Curse" (2005)

"Stretch" (2014)

"Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning (Part One)" (2023)

"Longlegs" (2024)

"The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (1994)

[karatekels]

Aftercare is important! I feel like Terry understands this (though some of his rough play sessions may go on for longer than his partner even realizes, and aftercare may come later than they think!)

Thanks for reading! I couldn't resist reblogging it after what we got on Friday! Maybe I should write a sequel...

can you do a kk3 terry smut when the reader is being really bratty and Interrupted an imprint phone call and he has to punish them and can you add after care to the end too

I’ve had my eye on this prompt for quite some time! I’m incorporating in an idea from my NSFW alphabet for Terry (The W, specifically), since people seemed to like that little fantasy and I wanted to flesh it out. Thank you for the request, and I hope you enjoy!

TW: Rough sex (very rough sex); oral sex (male receiving); breath-play; waterplay(?)

---

Bath Toy

---

Your nails scrape the slippery tile of the bathroom floor as they fail to find purchase, your body again surging over the edge of the bathtub. You let out a soft whimper of pain as the lip of the tub presses into your ribs, and try your best to keep quiet.

“What?” Terry snaps into the phone irritably, thrusting into you at the same time.

 “Don’t bullshit me!” he warns, his free hand pressing down more firmly on the small of your back, keeping you in position as he fucks you from behind.

A whine escapes your lips as he enters you at an especially deep angle, your wet hair sticking to your face in damp strands. He reaches forward, the hand moving from your back to grab a fistful of your hair, tightening in warning.

Terry’s favourite fantasy of late was taking business calls while he took you, usually bent over his desk in his office. This was the first time you had tried it in the tub, and you were finding it a lot more difficult to stay quiet in this position; everything about it was too dirty, you felt too used, and the urge to moan out his name desperately was growing with every single one of his thrusts inside you.

“What do you mean you can’t dump it in Borneo?” he scoffs, using his grip on your hair to pull you into arching your back just the right way for him. “Who in Borneo knows what thoride sludge is?”

He takes a moment to take in the sight before him: rivulets of water trailing down your skin, your ass and pussy sticking out just above the clouds of bubbles in the tub, both slightly pinker in colour from the heat of the water and his attentions. Your face – what he could see of it, anyway, turned away from him and bent up to the ceiling as it currently was – was a mask of ecstasy, and he knew you were close.

He also knew you were struggling to keep quiet, poor thing. You were doing your best, and it was an admirable effort, but he was in no mood to let you off the hook; he needed to vent some of the frustration building up in him, and you were the perfect vessel to take it out on. He gives a particularly brutal slam of his hips, making sure his cock is rubbing against every single part of your cunt, and holds himself there.

“Ahh, T-Terry!” you cry out softly, your voice cracking. You miss the wicked grin he gives you.

Perfect.

“Just do it.” He orders, pulling out of you slowly, and despite yourself, despite knowing what’s coming – you broke his rules, after all – he hears you whimper at the loss of him inside you. Such a good girl.

“Do it!” He snarls into the phone, moving his hand to the back of your neck, keeping your head down, keeping you bent over the tub for him. You shiver, though the water is still warm.

“Call me when it’s dumped.” He hangs up the phone carelessly, and stands up so he can lean over you, delighting in your shiver of anticipation.

“Baby girl,” he pants in your ear, tsking you, “we’ve talked about this.” You arch up into him, eager to explain yourself, to justify your actions.

“I’m sorry, Terry, I tried!” you cry out desperately, and he loves hearing the sincere ring of apology in your voice. Always so keen to please him, and always so penitent when you felt you’d left him anything but satisfied. His perfect little fucktoy.

“I know you did, baby,” he croons, making sure to blow cool air along your shoulder, watching goosebumps appear in its wake. You whimper, and he inhales deeply, as though he were trying to swallow the sound. Your sounds of pleasure were practically indistinguishable from your sounds of pain, and he loved hearing both equally.

“But you fucked up, Y/N. You made noise, and you know you’re meant to keep quiet when I’m on a call, don’t you?” He releases you, and you immediately turn in the water to face him, sitting across from him, on your knees on the seat submerged beneath the water, the perfect little submissive.

Christ, he was going to marry you one day soon.

He reaches out to trace your mouth with his thumbs as you nod in reply to his question, not taking your eyes off of his face.

“Yes, Sir,” you murmur against his hand. He resists the urge to stick his thumb in your mouth.

The phone rings again, echoing throughout the bathroom, and he beckons you forward with a finger. You stand between his feet obediently, and he wraps a foot behind your knee, pulling you down until your knees hit the bottom of the tub, your head the only thing still above the surface.

“Two taps on my leg if you need me to let you up, and you’d better be half-drowned if I do,” he reminds you between rings of the phone. He knew you were too stubborn to use the safety measure, though – you felt like you deserved this punishment. His cock throbs at the very thought.

He reaches for the phone, bringing it to his ear.

“Yeah? Right, Margaret, where were we?” he asks. Normally his secretary would just bring her typewriter into the bathroom, unfazed by his nakedness, but ever since you came along he had found far more enjoyable things to do in the tub than ironing out correspondence details.

His other hand comes to the top of your head, fisting your hair once again, and you manage to take a deep breath before he pushes you completely under the water. Margaret asks him about the Grand Jury, and he considers the issue as he feels your mouth around his cock, the hot velvet of your mouth feeling exquisite.

“Bribe them, as usual,” he replies, guiding your head up and down on his length. The woman chastises him over the phone, scandalized. If only she knew what you were up to right now, he muses, grinning at the thought.

He pulls your head up and out of the water, and you do your best to keep quiet as you gasp for breath.

“Lighten up, Margaret,” he says, speaking louder to cover up any sounds you’re making. He doubted the woman would say anything even if she had heard something; even if he had you screaming his name like a mantra as he railed you during a call. Margaret was the epitome of discretion.

“Who’s the DA on the case?” Terry asks, shoving your head back down. You hear his side of the conversation, muddied by the water as you suck him off again, feeling deliciously naughty. The lack of oxygen, the loss of control, the need to be quiet, all of it had your body practically buzzing with need as you took your punishment. You would worship his cock, worship him, until you drowned if he wished it of you. God, if you didn’t love Terry Silver with everything that you were.

His grip tightens in your hair, his hips bucking up slightly to push himself further down your throat, and you know he’s close. Gripping the tops of his thighs, you seal your lips around his cock, keeping the water out of your mouth, and he thrusts into you one final time, filling your mouth with his cum.

He releases you, and you emerge from the water, breathing heavily through your nose until your heart rate returns to normal before swallowing every drop of him. He’s since hung up the phone, and is looking at you with dark eyes and approval, and you feel like you’re glowing with pride.

Terry extends a hand towards you and you take it, letting him tug you over to him. You float through the water, nestling sideways on his lap, laying kisses on the crook of his neck and feeling his chest rumble approvingly.

“Such a good girl, Y/N,” he coos in your ear, and you smile, happy to have pleased him. “You did such a good job, you handled that so well…”

Terry was always sweet and caring after being particularly rough with you, especially after a “punishment,” and the juxtaposition between the two made you melt like nothing else. One of his hands trails down to your thighs, the other supporting your back as you sit on his lap.

“Do you want me to get you off, baby, or do you just want to relax?” He asks, and if you could melt into him further, you would. You know he could have you coming for him in minutes, but for the time being you were content to just float in his arms, letting your body relax after the intense session you’d had.

“Relax, please,” you reply, slurring slightly. Terry using you always left you exhausted in the best way. He chuckles, and you feel the vibrations in his chest again, and he readjusts you, bringing you to sit between his legs with your back to him. Grabbing your favourite scented soap and a sponge, he sets to work, lathering your arms and torso and washing you, pausing to massage out any tension he feels as he goes, causing you to let out pleasurable moans that have his cock twitching against your ass.

You giggle, and he twirls his finger around in a circle in front of you, telling you to turn, and you obey, moving to the other side of the tub and reclining against the outer edge, arching your back to keep yourself floating at the surface.

Terry washes your legs and your feet slowly, almost reverently, and you faintly wonder how many other people have had billionaires bathe them before. You truly were the luckiest woman on earth, you think, looking at your love through half-closed eyes, feeling completely blissed out.

Terry sets the tub to start to drain before climbing out of the tub, toweling himself off quickly while you bask in delight. Feeling the water getting low, you sigh, standing up and letting Terry wrap you up in a fluffy towel and his arms.

Guiding you out of the bathroom and to the cushioned hope chest at the foot of the bed you shared, he settles you down, moving to collect your hairbrush and climbing onto the bed behind you. He combs out your wet hair until it shines, neither of you speaking, content in the silence, and loosely braids it into a ponytail, the way he knew you preferred.

You’re practically a puddle of satisfaction at this point, and he seems to sense this, lifting you effortlessly onto the bed with him, smiling down at you.

“Pyjamas or no?” he asks, amused by your sleepiness. In response, you wordlessly reach down and tug his towel off his hips before discarding your own, and he laughs, gathering you in his arms once again to slide the covers down before depositing you back on the bed. A brief catnap with your lover and you would be as good as new, you knew from experience.

Managing to slide further down the bed, you tug him in after you, letting him tuck the two of you into the blankets before tucking yourself further into him, snuggling into his embrace. For someone so strong, Terry was remarkably cuddly, and you nestle into his chest, twining your legs around one of his and letting out a noise of contentment. Terry’s arms come around you, caging you in comfortably, and he leans down to kiss your forehead before resting his cheek on the top of your head.

You’ve long stopped hoping for good dreams as you fall asleep, knowing that your dreams came true in the waking world.

[rainylana]

“My pussy.”

Eddie Munson x female reader

warnings: language, smut, fingering, rough smut, dom!eddie, use of a vibrator, spanking.

summary: eddie finds your vibrator in the bathroom.

to the anonymous user, thank you for requesting!

You were sitting in front of the tv, crisscross on the floor as the Andy Griffith show played in front of you. You were clad in your socked feet and matching pajamas, putting polaroids in your album. It was a calm night, a sweet, romantic one you and Eddie were spending together, just a relaxing night in.

“Hey, babe!” Eddie called from the bathroom. “Come take a look at this! You’ll never believe what I found!”

You grimaced. “In the bathroom? Gross, Eddie! I’ll wait out here, thanks so much.” You chuckled, shaking your head at him.

The sound of a high pitched whirring flooded your ears, and immediately, heat went to your face. You pounced up. “No, no, no, no, no!” You screeched and screamed, running to the bathroom.

You found Eddie, leaned up against the sink and smirking, looking proud and cocky as ever. His hand propped him up against the sink, the other swung your pink vibrator side to side like he was trying to hypnotize someone.

You screamed. “Eddie!” You quickly leapt for it, but he stood tall and held it above your head.

“I don’t think so!” He tsked. “Didn’t know you had one of these laying around. Am I not satisfying you?” His eyes darkened playfully, making you roll your eyes.

“Oh, please, Eddie, drop it.” You jumped to reach it. “Please, forget you- Jesus, you’re tall!”

He scoffed and handed it to you, buzzing still loud and when you got it, you quickly switched it off, face burning and hands shaking from embarrassment. “Sorry you had to see that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He bounced off the sink to follow you into your bedroom. “We could have had some fun!”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged your shoulders. “I guess it’s just private, I suppose.”

Eddie smirked, taking a long stride over to you. He put his hands on your shoulders. “Well, my dear, I think I’ve been missing out. What do you say we add a little something new to the mix?” He kept his eyes on you, slowly walking you backwards to your shared bed.

You wiggled your brows and hummed, matching his lips in a hot kiss. You both fell to the bed in a heap, clothes flinging off to the floor one by one. You squeaked when he gripped your hips and spun you around, putting you face first into the mattress. He grabbed you and lifted your hips up to meet his face. She smirked, spitting in his fingers and rubbing them up your slick cunt. You gasped, reaching out to grab a pillow.

“Uh, uh.” He smacked your ass, making you squeal. “Keep your hands still.”

He pushed into your pussy, standing behind you at the foot of the bed. You moaned pathetically, drooling into the pillow so quickly it barely had even started. That’s the way sex was with Eddie. He knew you so well, knew all the right buttons to push.

You couldn’t help but blush when the sound of your vibrator turned on, and when it pushed at your clit, body bent over and ass up, you sobbed, a tear pushing past your lids. Eddie knew how stimulated you got and how quickly you did so. “Fuck,” You cried. “Oh, let me me feel you, please!”

“No.” He turned up the speed of the toy, smacking your ass with his free hand. “You wanna play with yourself without me? Then you’ll take your punishment and enjoy it.”

He spanked you again and again from cheek to cheek, making you jump out of your place and yelp from the sting of his hand.

“It’s mine.” He sneered. “My pussy.”

“I’m sorry!” You sobbed. “Just fuck me please!”

He slipped the vibrator into your cunt, the pink tip disappearing inside of you. He thrusted it in and out of you quickly, smacking your ass here and there until you were near purple with bruises. You saw stars as you came, panting heavily and shakily.

When you collapsed. He stood there with a dumb, goofy grin on his face. “See? Fun, right?”

[marcelloshdz]

couples quiz

summary: you and marcello are the featured guests on the upcoming episode of the GQ "couples quiz." requested by anonymous. marcello x female!singer reader. this ended up being quite long, but i hope you enjoy! <3

“and there we go! you look stunning.” your makeup artist said to you.

“thanks to you.” you smiled at them. you were on set with GQ, getting ready to film a video with them. they’d invited you and marcello you partake in one of their “couples quiz” videos, and the two of you jumped at the opportunity.

you were led to the set, taking your seat as you waited for marcello to join you. he smiled at you has he walked over to you, pressing a kiss to your cheek before taking his seat across from you.

“you guys ready?” the producer asked, and you both nodded. 

“so ready.” you said with a smile, as some members from the crew handed you your question cards.

they counted down, and began rolling, you and marcello putting on your best faces and beginning the video.

“hey there, i’m y/n l/n,”

“and i’m marcello hernández,”

“and this is the GQ couples quiz.” you said in unison.

“alright, who wants to start?” you asked. 

“ladies first.” marcello said with a smile.

“well then, alright.” you settled the question cards in your hands, reading him the first one. “okay, this is a simple one to get us started. what is my favorite nickname for you?” you asked. 

“you call me cello a lot. or cellito, if you’re feeling flirtier than normal. but you’re also very heavy on the babe or baby. sometimes honey, which i personally love.”

“hmm, good to know.” you laughed before moving on to the next question. “oh, this is a good one. what was the first song i ever played for you?”

“i don’t want to give too much away, because as far as i know, it’s unreleased, yeah?” he asked, and you nodded.

“it is.” 

“but, i can say that you wrote it shortly after we made it official. so, almost four years ago. and, it’s about me.” he said, with a smirk to the camera.

“that is correct. at this point, i’m not sure i wanna release it, and instead just keep it between the two of us.” you said to the camera. you then moved on to the next question. “what is my favorite date we’ve been on?” 

“ooh, i know this one real well, because you tell this story all the time to people we meet.” he laughed, and you blushed. “it was when we were first dating, we were both in LA for work, and had coinciding days off. i took you to griffith park, we had a picnic, and we made friendship bracelets for each other with our initials on them. then, after lunch, we drove up mulholland, parked at one of the overlooks, and laid on the hood of our car while we watched the sunset over the city. it was very romantic. that was the night i asked you to be my girlfriend.” 

“i never told you this, but i’m sure i was already falling in love with you at that point. it was only like, a month or so after we started hanging out and talking, but i was already locked in.” 

“honestly, so was i.” marcello said, echoing your sentiment with a smile.

“next question; what is my favorite sketch of yours?” 

“you always tell me you have multiple favorites, and they change like, every month.” he laughed before answering.

“that is true, but i do have one all time favorite. one that i, without question, would top tier marcello sketches. and we’re not talking update features, because i love all of those. just live sketches.” you explained.

“okay, that helps me a bit. i’m gonna go with either fusion scientist, or the age of discovery.” he said.

“it is fusion scientist, but i’m only gonna give you half a point because you hesitated.”

“aw man.” he laughed. 

“although, i do also love the age of discovery. there’s something about fusion scientist  that just always gets me. i had genuine tears in my eyes the first time i watched it, and am still bitter it was cut for time.”  you clarified.

“that one was really fun to perform. it was so ridiculous and goofy, but i loved it.” he explained. 

“and thats why i love it too.” you said. “alright, next question. oh, this is a good one; what is my favorite gift you’ve given me?” you finished the question, and watched his eyes flit to your hands, landing on your ring finger on your left hand. he reached out to you, and you placed your hand in his, smiling as he pressed a kiss to the ring.

“this right here.” he said as you held your hand out to the camera for a close up. “i got you that ring on our first anniversary. it’s our birthstones in a heart shaped setting.” 

“not only is it my favorite gift you’ve given me, but i think it’s my favorite gift i’ve ever gotten, ever.” you said. you finished out your questions, tallying up marcello’s score. “alright, we are sitting at a nice round 20 points.” you said to the camera. 

“well, good for me.” he said with a laugh. “alright, my turn. first up, what sports did i play growing up?” he asked you.

“soccer was your main sport, and you played it throughout high school and college. but you also played baseball, and dabbled in golf, and sometimes fishing?”

“wow. yes to all of those. um, i don’t think i want to play this game anymore.” he laughed. 

“hey, we’re only one question in. don’t get too discouraged.”

“next question; who has been my favorite host to work with so far on snl?”

“either pedro or benito.” you answered, and he nodded. “those were really big episodes for you, and i know you had a good time getting to write and work on pretty good sketches during those episodes.” 

“those were both really good, and i enjoyed them both a lot. but, if i had to pick, i would pick benito over pedro.”

“oh, tea.” you gasped through a laugh.

“only because of the age of discovery sketch. that sketch being entirely in spanish, and all the love we got on it, it made me really proud. pedro was also part of that episode, so that still counts.” he explained. “what is my favorite food?” he asked.

“anything cuban or dominican. chuletas, tostones, literally anything else. you’re very easy to please.” you answered immediately. “c’mon give me a challenge.”

“yeah i should’ve skipped that one.” he laughed. “next one. oh, here’s a good one. what was i wearing on our first date?”

“you were wearing a dark blue cardigan, over a white t-shirt, with blue jeans, and white sneakers.” you answered. “i had a picture of us from that night as my phone wallpaper for a long time, it’s practically burned into my brain at this point.” you said. “do you remember what i was wearing?” you asked him

“you were wearing a black, like, lacy top, with a white skirt and black platform loafers.” 

“actually,”

“what?!” he said loudly, feigning offense.

“no, i’m just kidding. that was right.” you laughed.

“i was about to be so mad.” he laughed. “alright, next one; where was our first kiss?” he asked.

“our first kiss was on the beach in miami. you were home, visiting family and some friends. you asked if i wanted to come see you, and of course, being as down bad as i already was, i immediately jumped on a plane with zero hesitation. we had just finished lunch, and we were hanging out on the beach near where you grew up. we were sitting there in silence, listening to the waves crash on the shore, when we turned to each other, and we kissed. i remember it being really awkward, and us almost missing?”

“i do remember that as well.” he laughed. “but look at us now, so it must not have been too terrible.”

“it was a first kiss, so you kinda expect it to be awkward. but it was good in the long run.” you said, and marcello nodded, smiling at you. before continuing through the next couple of questions.

“alright, i think this is my last one.”

“and, not to brag, but i am only one point behind you.” you said, raising an eyebrow at him.

“well, then this will count for two points.” he said, clearing his throat. “which one of us made the first move?”

“you did.”

“wow, that was fast.”

“you did! we were at an snl after party, after dua lipa’s episode. which, i was invited to by her, by the way.” you said, matter-of-factly. “we were both at the bar, waiting for our drinks, and made small talk. we hung out for a bit, and by the end of the night, you were already asking for my number. barely two days later, you were asking me to go out.” 

“and you accepted without hesitation.” 

“well, yes, but this isn’t about me.” you teased, and marcello rolled his eyes at you.

“well, that was my last question. our final scores are 21 to 20, y/n only getting extra points because i played multiple sports growing up.” 

“and for that, i thank you.” you laughed.

you filmed the outro for the video, saying good bye and thanking the future audience for watching. there was a loud “CUT!” from behind the camera, and the producers and crew were thanking you and marcello for such a fun episode.

“thanks for having us! this was a lot of fun.” marcello said, and you nodded in agreement. the two of you headed out to your car, making your way to a nearby restaurant for lunch. you got your food, and sat down at a table, replaying the events of the afternoon. 

“we should do more things like that. i know we pride ourselves on having quite a private relationship, but it was a lot of fun.” marcello said to you.

“it was! but i feel like youre just suggesting that so you can redeem yourself and let the people know that you know me better than i know you.” you said to him. 

“no, why would you ever think that?” he asked sarcastically. you just laughed and shook your head. the two of you finished your lunch, enjoying your meal and being with each other. truthfully, marcello knew you better than you knew yourself, and vice versa. and that made you happier than you could ever put into words.

[notme123stuff]

Hi Uhm I’m new to tumblr so idk how this works but could you kindly do a fic with like Griffith x reader where reader is like female Guts and he’s obsessed and infatuated with her so much and he’s possessive and one night they sleep together and he convinces her to sleep with him? Because she was going to leave or something that night

ofc :) WARNINGS: possessiveness, reader and griffith just sleep not like sleep sleep if you get what i mean. yall should be fine it aint that hardcore per say your shoulders ace as you lift your sword to strike, though it isn't too big it is definitely taller than your already muscular body. but you are used to it. you got used to it for him, this event has repeated so much that you don't feel the deja vu anymore. you had killed so many other people for him. Though you do have more leisure time with your choices, after all, you're so good at your job. you were born on the battlefield and were made for it. The sound of steel clashing against steel echoed through the night, the battlefield littered with the remnants of your work. Blood splattered across your face, mixing with the sweat and grime from the relentless combat. Your sword felt like an extension of your arm, a tool you wielded with deadly precision, all for him. You sheathed your blade, surveying the bodies that lay at your feet. The rhythmic pounding of your heart, still calming down from the battle, filled your ears. It was just another night. Another slaughter for his cause. "You're still standing," Griffith's voice rang softly from behind, smooth and laced with an almost imperceptible admiration. He had that way about him—his words like a caress, but with an edge that could cut as deeply as your sword. You didn’t turn to face him. You didn't need to. You could feel his gaze burning into you, the same way it always did. He watched you, always watching. "I’m always standing," you replied gruffly, wiping the blood from your hands on your armor. Your muscles ached, your bones tired, but you were used to it. You’d grown accustomed to the endless cycle of violence, fighting for his ambitions, his dream. But lately, that dream felt like a cage tightening around your chest. For a long time, you didn’t question it. You followed him, fought for him, bled for him—because you had nowhere else to go. But tonight… tonight you felt different. There was a gnawing ache in your chest, one you couldn’t ignore any longer. You’d been thinking about leaving. Finally breaking free. You inhaled deeply, turning to face him. His pale hair glimmered in the moonlight, eyes were like icy pools that seemed to draw you in. Griffith was the embodiment of everything you once thought you wanted, but now… now you weren’t so sure. "I'm leaving after this," you said, your voice steady despite the tension between you. "I've done enough." pt 2 will be released

[captainsophiestark]

Girls' Night

Platonic!Peggy Carter x Reader

Masterlist - Join My Taglist!

Written for Fictober 2023!

Fandom: Marvel

Day 6 Prompt: "I can't wait for you."

Requested: Yes by @flowers-and-fichte! Hope you like it!

Summary: Summary: Peggy and her bestie are having a much-needed night out on the town.

Word Count: 1,520

Category: Fluff

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

"Peggy, come on!" I shouted, hammering on the door of her apartment at the Griffith. "I can't wait for you, let's go!"

"Don't you have to wait for me?" I heard her voice call from inside. A second later, the door opened, Peggy grinning at me with her hair, makeup, and outfit done to perfection. "Unless you intend to go dancing and drinking alone."

I crossed my arms and huffed. "I'll go get Angie. She'd be willing to come. And I get the feeling she wouldn't be intentionally slow in getting ready to avoid going out on the town."

Peggy sighed, stepping back from the door long enough to grab her purse before finally joining me completely in the hallway.

"We both know Angie's busy, otherwise she'd be coming with us right now."

"I probably could've gone to the Automat, gotten her out of her shift, and gotten to the club in the time it took you to get ready."

Peggy just shook her head with a small smile as she locked her door and the two of us finally headed out. After months of stress and work at the SSR, especially as the only two female agents, I'd decided Peggy and I needed a night out. Little miss workaholic hadn't been particularly on board, and she'd been dragging her feet the whole time, but I wasn't about to let that stop me. Now, finally, I'd officially managed to get her out of the house.

"So, where to?" asked Peggy, tightening her coat a little as we stepped into the cool night air.

"Sousa told me about a place he likes last week," I said. "We're going to go see whether or not he's got good taste."

Peggy gave a noncommittal grunt as I stepped out into the street and hailed a taxi. We climbed in and I gave our driver the address, then settled into the back seat with Peggy.

A few minutes into the ride, I caught her eyes scanning our surroundings as we drove. I sighed loudly and rolled my eyes before fixing Peggy with a look.

"What?" she demanded.

"Seriously? You're canvassing and scanning for threats. You need to cut that out right now. We're supposed to be having a fun, relaxing night on the town, we can't do that if you're constantly looking for threats to take down and improvised weapons to take them down with."

She huffed a sigh, breaking her vigilant scan to meet my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I know. It's just... we've been on red alert for months. It's a little hard to turn it off, isn't it?"

"I know what you mean. But you've got to try, Peggy. We're both going to go completely crazy if we don't take a little break now and then."

She hummed her agreement as she turned back to looking out the window, this time with less of an agent's edge. I smiled to myself. At least it was progress.

A few minutes later, the cab pulled up outside of a swanky-looking club, people smiling and chatting in incredible outfits outside. Peggy and I stepped out, and I was happy to say, we fit right in.

We got a few appreciative looks as we headed into the club shoulder to shoulder, to find the place absolutely swinging. People swirled around the dancefloor, the music boomed from the live band across the room, and people were laughing and chatting at tables all across the bar. I smiled.

"Well, what should we do first?" I asked, leaning in towards Peggy and raising my voice a little to be heard over the noise. "Drinks, dancing, or finding a place to sit?"

"Drinks," Peggy called back. "And then dancing."

"Yes ma'am!"

I started off through the crowd in the direction of the bar, holding one hand behind my back for Peggy to take if she needed it to keep from getting separated. I couldn't help moving to the beat a little as we snaked through the crowd, bobbing my head and smiling at everyone else. When we made it to the bar and Peggy stepped up next to me, I was happy to find her with a smile on her face, too.

"First round's on me!" I said. "What're you drinking?"

"Jim Beam," she said. "On the rocks."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, even as I flagged down the bartender. "You're very predictable, Peggy. Next time, I'm gonna get you to try one of the signature drinks with me."

Peggy snorted, but I ignored her as I placed our orders. A moment later, our drinks arrived, and I raised mine in toast as I turned more fully to face my friend.

"To us!" I said, yelling a bit to be heard over the noise. "The two best agents the SSR could've asked for, no matter what any of those idiots in the office might say, and to getting a well-deserved night to have fun!"

Peggy smiled, and we clinked our glasses together, locking eyes before taking a small sip. Peggy sighed and leaned back against the bar, surveying the crowd before us.

"Thank you for dragging me out tonight," she said. I grinned, leaning against the bar next to her. "I don't know how I managed to keep from going insane in that office before you came along, but I'm so happy we can face things together now."

"Me too, Peg. Me too."

We stood together in comfortable silence for a few moments, sipping our drinks and enjoying watching the crowds and taking in the music. Finally, I sighed and set my mostly-empty glass on the bar behind me, then turned to Peggy.

"Alright, Peg. I don't know about you, but I think it's time to dance."

The corner of her mouth quirked up, and she set her glass down next to mine.

"I'd say I agree."

I grinned, then took her hand and dragged her out onto the dancefloor with me. She followed along, laughing, and we wove our way through the crowd until we found a good dance space. As soon as we found it, we faced each other and held hands, taking turns spinning each other around and dancing like maniacs to the beat.

I laughed as Peggy spun me, poorly, and I almost went knocking into a couple dancing next to us. They looked to be here on a date, and gave Peggy and I a dirty look, but we ignored them.

"Are you trying to go bowling for the people around us?" I called, laughing over the music as I came back towards Peggy and spun her out and away from me next. She laughed too, a carefree smile on her face that I hadn't seen in far too long.

"Maybe! Or maybe I'm trying to keep your reflexes sharp."

"Oh gee, thanks," I scoffed, rolling my eyes as we launched into the lindy hop. "Really Peg, I appreciate it."

"Good! You can repay me by doing my filing tomorrow."

I threw my head back and laughed, and after a minute, Peggy joined in. We lost track of time whirling across the floor together, both of us putting unique spins on the dances, since neither of us were very used to dancing the guy's part. We had more fun as a result, and while a few people shot us judgey looks as we flew across the floor, most people just smiled good-naturedly at the fun we were clearly having.

Once we both started sweating enough, we stumbled off the floor together, massive grins dominating both our faces. Peggy took a detour to the bar while I found us a table in the back to rest and catch our breath for a few moments, scanning the crowd again as I did. Sousa had absolutely hit it out of the park with this recommendation.

"Two waters, and two signature cocktails," Peggy announced, setting the drinks down before sliding into the booth with me. I smiled.

"Thanks, Peg. Cheers."

We toasted, then settled in together, laughing and talking the night away as we observed everyone around us. We made a few more trips to the dancefloor, spinning around with the same reckless abandon as when we'd started, and when we finally piled into a cab a little after one in the morning, we both knew the judgey looks from Ms. Fry would be worth it.

"We really need to do this more often," I mused, stumbling down the hallway with my shoes in one hand, my bed calling to me. Still, I paused with Peggy outside her door as she took out her keys.

"I actually think I agree with you," she said, shooting me a smile. "I haven't had fun like that since before the war. And maybe not even then."

"Likewise. We'll have to tell Sousa his recommendation was fantastic."

"That we will. But not until Monday. For once in my life, I'm going to do absolutely nothing tomorrow."

I grinned. "I support you in that, Peggy. In fact, I support you so much, I think I'll join you in solidarity."

We shared beaming smiles, then both disappeared into our own apartments. I immediately fell into bed, not bothering to change, a smile on my face. Sometimes, you just really needed a girls' night.

****************

Marvel Taglist: @valkyriepirate @luv-ghostie @songbirdcannabe

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Doubt: Part One

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated

It's a good day.

It's a good fucking day because you are a new woman. You passed your evaluation with flying colors, your birthday had come and passed, and you got a therapist to help you overcome the trauma associated with Hannah and your past. Does a part of you wish she was still here? Yes. You know that she is doing a good job, and she's been keeping up with you periodically to tell you she is doing okay.

She is thriving, and it's not with you.

You're ready to get back to your normal life, and that includes being with and loving Spencer Reid. You two had just passed your two-year mark of dating, and you couldn't be happier about that. You have a good feeling about all of this and what better way to celebrate that than going to work and taking down the bad guys.

Someone's been murdering college students on a campus in Flagstaff, Arizona, so that's where your team is headed to now. You didn't have time to talk about it at the BAU, so you spent the entire flight talking about it. One thing you noticed about the team is that they were ready to move on and to do what they need to do for the team.

However, Gideon is completely different.

His energy is all off. He's not the same man as he was before because Frank killed the love of his life (presumably). He's more distant and distracted, and only you can see it. Maybe the other team has an inkling that Gideon isn't okay, but you know for sure he isn't. But it's not like you're going to go up to him and ask him about it. He won't tell you.

So, all you can do besides trying to be there for Gideon when he needs it is to work the case. The detective on the case is meeting you at the airport so he can escort you to the campus himself.

"Jim Griffith," he introduces himself as soon as your team leaves the jet.

"Hi. Jennifer Jareau. Thanks for meeting us here," she says nicely.

"Thanks for taking us on so quickly."

"Yeah. The faster we get here, the faster we can help stave off panic."

"I hear that," Jim scoffs.

"What can you tell us about the university?" Spencer asks.

"It's small and tight-knit. Dorms are still single-sex. This place draws people from all over the county, but the students are mostly the arty type."

"Have you increased uniform presence on campus?" Derek wonders.

"Yeah. Doubled it."

"Any other measures?"

"I got security shuttles running twenty-four/seven, and as of tonight, I've imposed a ten o'clock curfew."

"We need a corner of your precinct so we can set up shop."

"You got it. You need to get to the hotel first?"

"No. Spree killings in a confined area are a race. He's racing to kill as many as he can. We're racing to stop him," Gideon says bluntly and gets into the cars waiting for them.

You heard the man, there's no time for stopping. The cars immediately take you to the campus where the recent young woman was murdered. Of course, other students are gathering around to see what happened, but police and campus security made it so that your team would have some space to do your job.

The body is still on the ground when you arrive, and you take note of how her arms are placed over her chest in a criss-cross style. That's a classic sign of remorse because the killer is trying to preserve some dignity for the girls by making it seem like they are at peace after death. The young woman has her mace out as if she was going to use it, but never did.

"I've got men at every exit point on campus," Jim explains.

"She had her mace out, but she didn't use it? Plus, it's well lit. He's not afraid of being seen," JJ observes.

"How often do the shuttles run?"

"Every ten minutes."

"Were all the other victims posed like this with their arms crossed?" you ask.

"Yeah. Why?"

"It's a classic sign of remorse. The unsub kills the victim, then immediately feels bad about it, so he poses them like this so they'll rest in peace."

"You can tell that just by the arms?"

"That's why you called us here, right? To build a psychological profile of your killer?"

"Yeah, I did," Jim nods.

"How long will it take your men to clear the scene?" Gideon wonders.

"A few hours."

"Lucky there's a curfew, otherwise there'd be a mob scene," JJ comments quietly.

"Have Hotch set up at the precinct. We'll run everything through him. By the time this campus wakes up, I want a handle on this."

Everyone split up to do different jobs the next day, and you and Spencer got the job of reassuring the girls of the university about the dangers of being alone at night. You've gathered all of them in the lobby of one of the dorms. Some don't believe this is happening, some are too in shock about what happened, and just a few are actually bored. Still, this meeting needs to happen.

"I spoke to Amy's parents. Funeral services will be held on Sunday in Chicago. They're arriving later today to bring her home. They asked me to let you know that they will be staying downtown at the Mainline Hotel. If any of you would like to visit or pay your respects, they'd like you to feel free to do so," you announce.

"How did you all let this happen?" A girl suddenly blurts.

"Katie."

"What? Everybody is thinking it. You're the FBI, the campus is crawling with police, and she gets murdered waiting for the security shuttle."

"That's not helpful," the dorm advisor says.

"Actually, it is," Spencer speaks up. "The fact that your friend was killed in such a well-lit area with a police presence indicates that the killer is most likely part of this campus. He's not an outsider. He's someone who wouldn't raise an alarm with the police or potential victims."

"You should also be aware that the three victims were brunettes. At this point, we do consider it an intentional pattern," you warn cautiously.

Most of the brunettes clutch their hair in worry. You know they are immediately deciding to dye their hair.

"So, tell me, how am I supposed to keep these women safe?" the DA asks.

"There are security cameras being installed in virtually every corner of the campus, and that's coming out of the city's budget. It's not the school's. With the added measure, we're hoping it will scare whoever is doing this long enough for us to catch him."

The Dean wants to shut down the school, but if it is someone on campus, then he'll leave once it shuts down only to return when it opens back up. He'll definitely kill again. However, the Dean doesn't want to raise too much alarm but still keep everyone safe. So, she came to the decision to shut down the school. That's a decision you can't control, so you have to do your best to make do with what you got.

Emily is offsite with JJ looking into the cause of the death at the morgue. The latest victim, Amy, seemed to have more overkill than the rest of them. Her death was caused by a single, very forceful stab wound to the heart--one that broke the breastbone. After that, the killer lashed out at random. There are no defense wounds on Amy's body as were the first two victims. None of the victims were drugged since the toxicology reports came back negative. It's hard to think this is happening to these young girls, but you hope you can catch the man before he does it again.

You conclude the meeting after talking about what might happen next, but before you can leave with Spencer, Katie comes up to you with her other brunette friend.

"I'm sorry about before."

"I'm sorry about your friend."

"Uh, your RA told us that you guys were at the library last night. Did you see Amy there?" Spencer asks.

"We didn't go with her, but we saw her there. I thought she left before us," Katie's other friend says. "Her bag wasn't in her cubicle, or else we would have waited."

"Did you notice anyone she might have been talking to earlier?"

"Was it like her to be walking alone, even in a dangerous situation like this?" Spencer asks right after you.

"She wasn't the victim type."

It's almost impossible to pinpoint who's the most vulnerable. That's why we're trying to teach you how to best protect yourselves."

"I just mean that she was strong, and she was smart. I don't know why she didn't at least mace him," Katie sighs.

"Are a lot of girls carrying mace?" you wonder.

"Pepper spray, mace, switchblades, etc.. If you can buy it online or find it at the army-navy store, we've all bought it."

"Are you sure about who he's killing? I mean, brunettes?" Katie's friend assk, clutching her hair nervously.

"Pretty sure, yeah," you sigh. You excuse yourself and bring Spencer to the side so you can talk to him without raising an alarm. "Realistically, it'll take two or three days to empty the campus. I'm afraid that'll be our window for catching this guy."

"What do you think they'll do?"

"I heard them mention that they're installing security cameras. Most likely, they'll be functional by nightfall."

"They'll need as many men as they can on duty. If the unsub is part of campus life, he's gonna know it's about to shut down. Next few days, that's his last chance to hunt."

"Uniform presence helps, but it'd also be good to have some of their younger officers go in plainclothes, try to blend in."

"Let's head back and talk to Gideon and Hotch about this."

You and Spencer say your goodbyes because heading back to the police station where everyone else is. It seems like you two were the only ones they were waiting on. It seems like they wanted to give the profile, so you'll let them do that before you talk to Hotch and Gideon.

"We know everyone's tired and working overtime. We want to tell you how much we appreciate it," Gideon starts it off with a nice note. "We'd like to give you a rough profile of the man we're all looking for. This is someone with access. He's managed to move in a small community with a high police presence without raising suspicion which means there's a good chance that this is someone you've seen."

"This unsub has killed three women in four days. That's what we call a spree killer. Now, most likely, something has happened in the past few days to set him off," Derek says.

"That stressor probably has to do with a woman in his life who fits the same description as these young girls--wife, mother, or a girlfriend. The women he's killing, they're most likely a substitute."

"What we need you to do is look at people who are part of the campus fabric. See if anyone fits the bill--students, professors, and even support staff," Emily says.

"I'm sorry, but how are my men supposed to know about somebody's home life?" Jim, the detective, asks.

"Well, the people around him have seen him devolving. If you suspect someone on campus, talk to anyone who knows him, find out if he's recently found religion, been drinking, and even if he's been harming himself."

"He may feel emasculated. Considering the stressor and the victimology, there's a good chance that rejection is a recurring theme in his life. This unsub displays a great amount of anger, stabs his victims repeatedly, even after they're dead. Seconds later, he feels remorse. It's possible that his guilt is because his victims were in a position to trust him."

"How's that?" an officer asks.

"As we said, we think he's a part of campus life. The victims feel safe around him. He's able to get close. He's also able to kill these women without them fighting back. Not one of them has defensive wounds on their hands," you say.

"Like if they'd been tasered first?"

"That's possible, why?"

"Security guards on campus aren't allowed guns. They carry tasers."

"Can you get me an employment list of campus security?" Gideon asks Jim, and he complies right away.

Emily leaves the group just as you're finishing up the profile because the pictures of the defense wounds are in the conference room with everything else. When you're done giving the profile, your team and Jim meet with Emily in the room.

wanna be tagged? add yourself to this document! if your tag has a strike through it or it’s not linked, it means doesn’t work. find out why!

@averyhotchner​ @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel​ @fan-girl-97​ @inkstainedwritergirl​ @estrela-rogers​ @kwbaby24​ @redsalv20​ @joonie-centric​ @xs​ @sixpencespencee​ @boygenius-reid​ @meganskane​ @prophecyflame​ @babydee17​ @darlingisntit​ @fandoms4ever97​ @spencerreid-187​ @snakeythesnake​ @nomajdetective​ @scarletstarrs​ @hc-geralt-23​ @fairytalesforever​ @werewolfbanshee-love​ @bluetreecloud20​ @lucyysthings​ @slightlyvicked​ @zephyrmonkey​ @aysixdy​

[herewegoagainniall]

I’ll Love Her Still: Part 12 (Brian May x Female!Reader)

Whaaaaat, I ACTUALLY UPDATED THIS FIC??? IN UNDER TWO MONTHS TIME??? UNREAL. But seriously y’all, thank you so much for your patience, there’s only a couple more parts to this fic left and I’ll be sad to say goodbye but excited to start on other projects! 

TAGLIST: @alittlepeoplemagic​, @brianmayscurls​, @chlobo6​, @d-illo​, @delilahmay39​, @kenzie-belle​, @kiwithekiwi​, @lizzybeth1986​, @moreinfinite​, @readinghorn​, @rogerscupboard​, @thelegumemother​

TRIGGERS: MASSIVE massive sad boi hours. Don’t say you weren’t warned. 

Brian kept his arms around you the entire night, almost like he thought you would slip away if he wasn’t careful. And in a way, he wasn’t really wrong.

You’d struggled to get to sleep all night after you and Brian had finally stopped apologizing to each other. You couldn’t get the events of that night out of your head: the heartbreak in Brian’s eyes, the venom in his voice… and then how the heartbreak and venom had faded into sweetness and love. The fact that Brian loved you was something that you couldn’t quite believe. Maybe he only thought that he loved you- his mind was so clouded by lust that he thought he was in love with you. Or maybe that was just what you were telling yourself so that this wouldn’t hurt as much.

You had started a pot of coffee for Brian (you knew that even though he was an early riser, he still needed an extra boost in the morning), and were slowly going about the room, taking your things and putting them in your suitcase. Queen had another performance scheduled at the arena… and you would not be in attendance. You buckled your suitcase softly, feeling like the slightest noise would disturb the tension in the room. You picked it up in your hand and then put it down again. Brian was still asleep. If you left without telling him goodbye, he would hate you for sure (though not as much as you’d hate yourself). But you also didn’t want to wake him up- he barely got enough sleep as it was.

Thankfully, you didn’t have to struggle with that dilemma too much longer. Brian stretched in his sleep and opened his eyes languidly. You felt your heart ache when you watched him reach out blindly next to him to feel your body in bed only to find that space empty. He sat up slightly, confused, and then turned his head to see you, out of bed and fully clothed.

“What are you doing up?” he yawned.

“I… I made you coffee,” you said lamely.

He hadn’t noticed yet. “Mm, that’s sweet of you, darling,” he mumbled in his sleep-drenched voice, and you swore you could feel your heart breaking. Brian sat up in bed and ran a hand over his face. “I was thinking we could go to the Griffith Observatory today?” he said as he stood up out of bed. “I know the view won’t be the same as if we’d gone at night, but you know the conce-”

Brian stopped dead in his tracks. You bit your lip and felt your heart put itself together long enough to start pounding out of your chest. He’d seen it.

“What’s this?” he asked, gesturing to your suitcase.

“I, um…” you tried. “I… I’m not going to be at the concert tonight,” you finally managed to breathe out.

The expression on Brian’s face was torturous- he looked like a kid who had just been told there was no Santa Claus, a dog that had had its bone taken away. He looked broken. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“I mean that-”

“Y/N, if you’re still upset about last ni-”

“Brian, can we not talk about last night?”

Brian’s eyes began to fill with tears. “Why?”

“Because! It…” you felt the room start spinning again, and that sick black feeling overtake your heart. You could feel the sob bubbling up in your chest and you turned away before Brian could see you cry.

“Y/N,” you heard Brian whisper. “Don’t do this.”

He didn’t understand. You knew you couldn’t make him understand. All you could do was tell him. Simply and plainly, just like you’d done a thousand times before, to a thousand other faces. So you composed yourself and turned back to face Brian. “Bri-”

Before you could even breathe, Brian had strode over to you and wrapped his arms around you, whispering, “Don’t do this,” into your hair, as if merely repeating the phrase was enough to make you stay.

You found yourself having to remember that you knew your own mind. It isn’t anything you haven’t done before, Lily, you reminded yourself. You said it very plainly, knowing that if you let any kind of emotion slip into your tone, your heart would break. “It’s time for me to go home.”

“No,” Brian pleaded, pressing desperate kisses all over your face, and holding you close to him as if that alone would keep you by his side forever. “Please, please don’t leave me.”

God fucking damn it, Brian. Why do you have to be so wonderful? “I have to,” you wept. “I can’t- I can’t put you through this anymore, I can’t keep stringing you along like this.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that we don’t have to let anything change?” Brian sniffed as he ran a hand down your arm and tangled his fingers with yours.

“I know we don’t. But we do. I care about how just carrying on like normal is going to make you feel. I know you, Brian,” you smiled slightly through your tears. “You’d try to hide it, but you would be so upset all the time, because, whatever we are, we’re not really what you want us to be.”

Brian looked like he was about to say something, but then shook his head. “I don’t want to fight anymore. But I’d learn how to pick my battles, I’d learn which ones to fight and which ones to let lie.”

“No you wouldn’t.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t.” The both of you laughed softly, like you weren’t really doing what you were about to do. Once the laughter dissipated, though, Brian’s eyes began to shine with tears again. “I can’t believe I drove you away.”

“You didn’t,” you were unwavering in your pardoning of Brian. “Don’t you dare think that.” You brought your hand up to Brian’s hair and rearranged the curls at the front of his face. For just a moment, the two of you were backstage in Y/C just the way you’d been all those months ago, falling headlong into this magical trip together. But you weren’t- you were who you were, and it was time to get back to real life, no matter how badly it hurt. You pulled Brian to you one more time, trying to take a mental snapshot of all of the little things you would miss so that you could wrap yourself in the memories if… when you missed him too much.

“Write a good song about me,” you whispered. “I swear to God, Brian, if you write a shitty song about me, I’ll never forgive you.”

Brian laughed into the crook of your neck, and you tried so hard to ignore the tears he left on your skin. “I couldn’t write a bad song about you if I tried, Y/N.” He brought his head up again, keeping his hands on your waist as he gently kissed your forehead, your eyes, your cheeks, your nose, and then, finally and oh so sweetly, your lips.

You couldn’t take any more after that, so you were the one who slowly broke away and hurriedly gathered your things. The suitcases didn’t have a lot in them, but they felt like boulders that were trying their hardest to force you to stay in that spot. But you couldn’t. It was the nature of the beast, just like Harmony had said. There were new adventures to go on, new places to see, new people-

You didn’t let yourself go that far.

Brian had made himself scarce as you left the room- he probably couldn’t handle another goodbye any more than you could. You slunk out and softly shut the door behind you, keeping your eyes trained on the carpet in the hallway as you made your way to the elevator. In fact, you hardly lifted your eyes until you got to the airport. Lifting your head meant facing people and facing people meant (possibly) worried glances and whispers about whether that poor girl was okay.

You would be okay eventually, of course. You had to be. It was all going to be fine.

That was the mantra you kept repeating to yourself as you buckled your seat belt and listened to the all-too-familiar safety speech from the flight attendant. But she didn’t hold your attention for too long, and your gaze turned to out the window.

Los Angeles, in all of its beauty, was staring back at you. Palm trees, sunshine, and crystal blue skies- they were almost daring you to stand up, realize what a mistake you’d made, and run off the plane back into Brian’s arms. You couldn’t stop yourself from putting a hand to the window, just trying to capture that last bit of joy.

As the plane soared into the sky, you finally took your hand away from the window. “Bye, Brian,” you whispered. And, somehow, your aching heart started to be soothed. This was going to be better for the both of you. This was the right move.

Wasn’t it?

[kireilixie]

Bittersweet Vanilla || Bang Chan

🪐ｓｕｍｍａｒｙ： Getting ice cream after hours of training was a small tradition you and Chan had developed over the years, but when fate decides to tear you apart, leading you on different paths and different worlds. Will your friendship survive? 

🪐ｐａｉｒｉｎｇ： idol! Bang Chan x swimmer! Reader

🪐ｇｅｎｒｅ： fluff, angsty angst, f2l

🪐ｗｏｒｄ ｃｏｕｎｔ： 22k 

🪐ｗａｒｎｉｎｇｓ：Reader later on is mentioned to have depression, anxiety and insomnia because of the pressure, so there may be some triggering stuff.

🪐ａｕｔｈｏｒ＇ｓ ｎｏｔｅ： Hello you mar view the preview here, Okay this started out as like late night thoughts with Channie, like fluffy stuff, but then I got distracted and began writing this :( I had even forgotten I had this drafted in my laptop because of how busy I got with school so here it is. I hope you guys like it! I’d like to thank @lavenderlattaes​ for helping me out with this fic and helping me with the edits and criticism :) also to @smileylino​ for hyping me out cuz idk why but writing this emotionally drained me :( 

 i. 

Getting ice cream after hours of training was a small tradition you and Chan had developed over the years. Walking to the small parlor a few blocks near both your neighborhoods, you both would drop by to try what new flavor was available. While you swore you’ve seen Chan devour with that bottomless pit of a stomach of his every single flavor the parlor had and mixing it up every single time you visited, you preferred to stick with your classic vanilla. 

Every time you visit, Chan asks why you bother with the simple flavor every single time, not bothering to try other flavors you’d always reply the same way not really bothering to explain your affinity with the simple flavor. “It’s what I like, It’s comfortable.” 

And he too would always reply the same way. “Why not try other flavors, go out of your comfort zone once in a while?” 

You never knew how to respond to his question, you would often dodge it with a shrug or by blatantly changing the topic. 

♡ ❤ ♡

This tradition of yours had begun the summer before your middle school, moving a lot at a young age it had been quite difficult for Chan to get settled in, with his distinct features, he barely fit in. Which is why he found himself once again in the corner of his new school’s swim club unsure of how to apply and whom to approach.

His eyes wandered around, scanning the different children doing laps and others warming up. Swimming was not something he had always enjoyed, though it made his father happy to see that he excelled at it hence why he had chosen to continue, he too had admitted it would be a shame not to. 

“Oi, newbie what are you doing here?” The smaller boy flinched at the loud voice, as the owner of said voice approached him. Here we go again the seven-year-old boy thought.

“I c-came t-to a-apply for the swim club.” The boy managed to softly stutter out, his eyes downcast, feeling intimidated by their difference in size.

“And at your puny size, ya think ya can swim fast-”

“Oi, why don’t ya shut up Jacob? A big dumb bully like yourself can’t beat me and here you are trying to scare the newbie being all talk. Why don’t you stop wasting your time picking on new people and actually spend it practicing and actually trying to improve your times.” Chan widened his eyes as he turned to the female voice that had interrupted the boy’s intimidation.

He was shocked to see a girl around his age, twirling her goggles around her fingers as she approached, Jacob, as she had called him, and his crew that currently surrounded the smaller boy.

Jacob, quite flustered with the unknown girl’s statement, attempted to come up with a good comeback but failed to do so as he muttered, “I’m telling you on my mom for calling me dumb.” As he and his lackeys’ runoff.

“What’s your mum’s gonna do about it? Kick me out of the team?” The smaller girl scoffed as the boys rushed off to the other side of the pool.

Chan chuckled at that, noting the confident air the girl carried, she introduced herself, (Y/N) (L/N) he had learned that day, specialized in free where he specialized in butterfly. At the revelation, her eyes glowed in excitement as she tugged the smaller boy towards her father.

“Dad! He swims butterfly! He can complete the relay!” Chan observed, fascinated by the complete 180 in her vibe, wherein earlier she had carried with confidence and sophistication to intimidate the boys, but here she is trying to gain her father’s attention, bouncing in excitement. “We can finally have a relay!”

Finishing his conversation on the phone, her father turned to the pair raising an eyebrow at her daughter’s excitement. Bending down to their height the older man asked for Chan’s name, to which he replied a soft ‘Christopher Bang’ at this the older man’s eyes widened in surprise.

“You’re that boy that broke the record for the 50 m freestyle swim! Your dad called me earlier to inform me that you had transferred here and wanted to join, here fill this up and (Y/n) here can show you your lockers and the shower rooms to change.” 

“Really! What’s your time?! Ugh, I hope it’s not faster than mine.” You had frowned at him, enthusiasm replaced by competitiveness at the information he had broken a record in your specialty. “Come on go change, then we race. Loser has to buy ice cream.”

It was the first time you lost to someone but oddly enough it felt exhilarating to have someone to finally compete with. 

♡ ❤ ♡

As your duo grew up, Chan began to carry himself with confidence through his swimming, with the medals he bagged and the grades he worked hard for, he began to build up a reputation in school as a diligent student. 

And wherein you, were proclaimed as a swimming prodigy, bringing glory to your school and country as a phenomenal swimmer. That’s when the recruitment and scouting began, different schools sending in their best representatives in an attempt to recruit you for their team, but you chose to decline them all so that you could keep your little happiness with your best friend.

And despite the hectic schedules you both had, you stuck to one another. It was that comfort you found with Chan. You would throw all your accomplishments and the path your father had set out for you in a heartbeat if Chan wished for it. You’d do anything and everything to stay by his side. 

And that upset your father greatly, hence why you chose to spend more time in the Bang Residence rather than your own. The arguments your parents would have, made it all the more an excuse to avoid your own household, you were grateful that Chan’s mother, had been completely understanding with the situation after an incident where you had arrived one evening, drenched by the rain and sobbing. You had collapsed in Chan’s arms the moment he opened the door. 

Despite the problems within your household, Chan always found a way to make you happier to distract you from your worries. It was around your middle school when you noticed Chan’s passion for music, and his family was blessed with talent. It was as if when god had been showering talents, and they had been there at the right time and place.  You knew he took some singing classes and played instruments here and there, but you hadn’t realized his passion had been deeper than expected, you hadn’t expected this burning desire within him to pursue it as a career.

“(Y/n), What are you going to be when you grow up?” He had asked you during one of your trips to the ice cream parlor, digging into his salted caramel ice cream. 

The question caught you off guard. What did you want to do? Eyes downcast you began to find the vanilla ice cream, the simple and plain flavor comforting as always, interesting as you picked at it. “I’ll probably continue swimming, that’s what my dad wants.” 

“Yeah that's what your dad wants, but what do you want? Like I want to do something with music! I want to use it as a platform to spread messages, to help people find comfort in music the way I do.” He had looked so bright, so gleeful, like a star so far and out of reach.

“Oh, that’s amazing Chris. Though I really don’t know what I want to do.” How you wish you were just as passionate as Chan, wishing you could break through your comfort zone to chase after the one thing you loved the most.

“Then I’ll help you find something, something you’ll come to love the way I do with music.” Maybe at that time, I had found something to love, maybe I just didn’t know it yet. “But if you love swimming, then you’ll be the greatest swimmer in the world, you’ll be an Olympic medalist!” He raises his ice cream cup as a toast, you clink yours with him, smiling at how happy he looked. 

Chan was your north star, no matter which direction the universe spun, he remained unwavering, shining bright and leading you to home, him, your comfort.

♡ ❤ ♡

It all collapsed as you both graduated middle school. 

Both in your togas and diplomas, he swung your interlocked hands, as you approached his parents and mother. Taking a few pictures together, and just enjoying the bliss and exhilarating atmosphere, how you wish you could stay this way forever. 

Your father hadn’t bothered to show up, though he did text you a small congratulations note and had sent some flowers, with your parents finalizing their divorce papers he had moved out of the house a few months ago.

Your pictures are interrupted as a tall man in a suit taps you on the shoulder to get your attention. He smiles politely before introducing himself as a representative for Griffith University, congratulating you on your graduation and handing you a bouquet as well as an envelope to complete your enrollment. He also thanks you for accepting their scholarship, saying that their Head Coach had personally invited you into their swim program.

Griffith University was very exclusive, you couldn’t get in unless you’re invited by their head coach or the assistant coach. The university had claimed the greatest amount of student-athletes that who had participated in the Olympics. Their swimming head coach was Michael Bohl, and many of his students had competed in the Olympics and garnered gold. This was big, though you never recall getting an offer, or even accepting. 

But you hadn’t applied. You had been determined to continue junior high school with Chan, so you hadn’t made any applications to any of the sports schools you had been recruited by. This must be your father’s doing, and before you could decline the man’s envelope and bouquet, Chan envelopes you in a hug, enthusiastic about having the biggest swimming institute in Australia recruit his best friend and offer her a scholarship nonetheless. 

Aren’t you sad? If I accept this I would have to leave your side. 

The man decides to give you two some space, smiling as he says he would be updating and waiting for your enrollment. Like hell, would I choose that over my best friend. I better confront dad about this. You decide to throw his bouquet later on and delete his messages. You head off towards the Bang Residence for dinner to celebrate your graduation. 

Dinner with the Bangs was always comforting, and the family banters had been very different from the isolated dinners you had in your household. Chan wouldn’t stop bringing up your recruitment and scholarship going on and on about how you’ll take on the Olympics and represent your country. His parents had been thrilled repeatedly congratulating you and saying you earned and deserved it.

Has he not realized this would separate us? Chris can be so oblivious sometimes. 

After dinner you decide to take a walk to have some ice cream at the familiar parlor you frequented ever since becoming friends and after you had lost to him the first time you met. 

Sitting down you both order, asking for your usual vanilla-flavored ice cream, Chan picks the mint chocolate chip which was their special for the week. He’s silent all of a sudden, fixing you with a serious gaze he takes in a deep breath. It made you uneasy all of a sudden as if whatever he would say next would change your fate.

And it did. 

“Y/n remember when I said I wanted to make music?” He asks fiddling with the spoon, nervous which was a rare sight for the charismatic boy.

You humm in response allowing him to continue. “Well my parents and I made a deal, they would allow me to live in South Korea as a trainee, as long as I got into a good company. And well I got in, you’re now looking at the latest Australian trainee of JYP Entertainment. I leave next month!” He points to himself with his thumb, smiling and giddy to hear your response. 

Korea as in Korea within Asia? That's 6828 kilometers away! 

“(Y/n), are you alright? You’re not saying anything, is something wrong.” Without noticing you had turned your head down, allowing your hair to create a curtain between you two. He reaches out to tuck your hair behind your ears and is met of your tear-stained cheeks. “You’re crying.” He says, unsure of what to say and what made you upset. “Are you not happy I got in.”

“No, I'm happy! You’re finally getting what you dreamed of! You’re going to be amazing Chris. I’m crying because of how happy I am for you.” You’re leaving me here all alone with no one. You’re going to be living 6828 kilometers away, in a foreign country when we barely turned 14. I want to be happy for you but why does this hurt so much. “ I just don’t know what to say.” You really didn’t.

You get up all of a sudden wiping your tears unable to control your emotions, you run out the door your vanilla-flavored ice cream long forgotten. 

You run and run, till your legs feel numb and you struggle to catch your breath. You ignore Chan's confused calls for you to come back, but you knew in your heart you couldn’t face him like this. With your emotions in disarray, you feared what you said to him had hurt him, what you would say if you definitely did not take the time off to cool your head would have definitely hurt him. 

Once you reach the doors of your house, you let yourself into your room. Grabbing the nearest pillow you sob into it, you scream into the pillow, wailing as you pour your emotions into it your heartthrobs in pain, heavy with your emotions. 

ii.

You ignore Chan for the next few days, worried, his mother had phoned you a few days ago, knowing you didn’t really have anyone to talk to you poured your heart out to her. Understanding, she decided to give you some space from Chan, even going to further lengths to change your training periods.

Sitting in the booth of your frequented ice cream parlor you play with the contents of your ice cream cup, the bitter coffee almond ice cream you munched on with delight, you had not been expecting a sweet aftertaste. But maybe this was it, where your paths must diverge. You decide to call your dad about the enrollment, you also decide to send Chan a text. 

                                                                                                       Orca (Y/n) 💌  

                                                                I’m at the parlor, come over I’ll treat you.

Bangaroo  💌

Sure, I’ll be there in five minutes.

♡ ❤ ♡

It doesn’t take him long to arrive, though you wondered if he had run here, his clothes disheveled along with his hair. Luckily the ice cream you had ordered for him managed to stay cool with the help of the air-conditioned room, you had gotten him their weekly special NY cheesecake. Taking a seat in front of you his eyes nearly bulge off of his head as he notices your finished ice cream, the warm brown color of the coffee almond contrasting the usual white of your vanilla ice cream.

“That’s different.” He mutters confused but happily munches on his ice cream.

“It’s a risky change, I must admit.”

“It is, did you like it?”

“I did.”

“That’s good.” 

The short responses between the both of you bother you both, it was different which you would admit was inevitable, you had ignored him for the week.

“I leave in two weeks.” 

“I know.” You pause to meet his eyes, tired and red-rimmed, most definitely like yours. His eyes held so many emotions, lingering with disappointment and hurt. "I'm sorry Chan, for running out on you like that, my emotions were too much and I really needed to be alone even for just a bit." It made you feel sick, seeing him so sad especially when you had caused all this.

"You could've told me. I would understand. I would do anything and everything to make you happy." If I were to ask from you the one thing that would make me happy it would be too selfish of me. 

"Chan you don't have to understand why I'm so hurt, why I want to be selfish. Understanding me would only lead to you wavering from making your decisions and ultimately holding you back. And I can't ever let that happen, you've been waiting for this your whole life." And if it really makes you happy, I won’t take that happiness from you. “You’re going to be amazing, I know it.” You reached for his hands, callused from playing instruments and making music, such hardworking hands, you squeezed his hands in reassurance. 

“So two weeks huh? Guess we’ll have to make the most out of it.” You smiled at him, trying to reassure him that everything was going to be alright. But no matter how you tried to reassure him with your actions, your thoughts clashed with one another. 

“Yeah, I guess we’ll have to.” He softly rubs his thumb against your knuckles.

♡ ❤ ♡

The next two weeks had you practically living with Chan’s family, trying to spend as much time with him. You both trained for the last swim meet you would be participating in together, time seemed to pass quickly, you hated it. Though you knew within your heart it would’ve been worse if you had decided not to reconcile with Chan, it would've just added to your long list of regrets.

You both tried to pretend he wasn’t leaving in the next few days, that you wouldn’t be able to see one another in the next few years and maybe the next few days would be the last you’ll see each other. Neither of you had any idea what fate had in store for you both and you could only hope. 

The swim meet came much faster than expected, you were buzzing with excitement as you entered the building. Chan, on the other hand, was nervous at this being his last swim meet, he hoped he could make this as memorable as possible. Though you never say it, Chan knew you loved swimming despite as much as you try to make it out that you only did it for your dad. 

He sees you glow the moment you step into the pool, he knew he made the right decision by sending in your application for Australia’s best swim school. And as much as it hurt him to leave you, he needed to see you grow, to become independent, and to make your own choices for yourself.

He loved the confidence that you had as you walked into the competition hall, ignoring all whispers about you, turning heads at the mention of your name. You have been destined to reign the competitive world of swimming, and he knew he wasn’t as good as you were to reign alongside you. He had accepted that a long time ago.

He walks with you to the locker room to prepare and change, trailing a few steps after you. Observing the looks of awe and surprise as swimmers, younger and older couldn’t help but respect your skill.

You turn to him gripping your gym bag tightly, which he had offered to carry but had been rejected along the lines of you saying that you were a woman that could carry your own belongings or something like that. “Well, I’ll see you later, wish me luck.” You raise your fist to his to-do your signature good luck handshake before every competition. The handshake brought you a lot of reassurance and strength, taking away any insecurities. 

You grin at him one last time, turning at your heels to enter the room, but before you take another step, he pulls you in for a hug, squeezing you tightly, your hands awkward by your sides, unsure of whether to hug him back. “You don’t need luck, go wreck them.”

You scoff at his words, finally deciding to wrap your arms around his shoulder. “Of course see ya later Bangaroo.” 

Up in the stands Chan observes you as you take your positions on the starting block, he smiles to himself as he sees you wearing the goggles and swim cap he had gifted you at your last birthday, he had saved for it the whole year to surprise you with your favorite swimming brand. You had teared up at the gift, before smacking him for the times he had complained every time you invited him to the parlor.

He had never seen you wear the cap and goggles at practice, you had told him you had to save the luck for competitions. He had asked you to explain though you brushed off the statement by pushing him into the pool. 

“It’s nice to see you here, isn’t this your last meet?” Chan blinks in surprise as the older man takes a seat beside him joining him to observe his daughter. 

“Coach (L/n)..” Chan pauses unsure of what to say, the last he had spoken to your father was when he had asked for your father’s help, convincing him to accept the scholarship in your stead. 

“She’s still as amazing as ever.” Your father whispers in awe more to himself rather than Chan. “I was surprised you know, you convinced me to accept the scholarship which she had declined again and again to stay by your side. She put up a good fight for you, you know. I’m even surprised she called me herself that she’ll be accepting the offer.”

The older man stands up all of a sudden patting him on the shoulder, “Well good luck, and thank you for giving her that push. Give her a hug for me later on.” Chan’s surprised by the time your father leaves is just in time you finish the swim, realizing you had already won, he sees you waving at him with a big grin highlighting your features. 

You looked so beautiful that he knew he made the right choice. He waves in return throwing you a thumbs up before he starts heading toward the locker rooms to prepare. He’s stunned by your father’s words, he knows in his heart he made the right decision, and he knows he shouldn’t let this bother him, especially when he’s about to compete. 

He steps into the starting block, slipping on his goggles, snapping it against the back of his head to erase any of his worries. Lastly, he’s putting on his swim cap. Taking deep even breaths, it’s his last swim. Chan wants to make this as memorable as possible.

He closes his palm clenching it, testing to see how shaky and nervous he was, only to see that it isn’t that bad. His heart rate isn’t so accelerated either. They’re given the signals to take their positions. And Chan is surprised there are no unpleasant jitters in his stomach.

Chan reacts to the beep,  kicking off the starting block and then diving into the waters, he feels the pull of gravity just as he surfaces to take his first breath. Rotating from his shoulders, he paces his breathing for the first lap to maintain his stamina. Though once he approaches the end, he gives a powerful kick to the touchpad turning as he accelerates. In the last lap, he pushes himself to go faster, erasing all thoughts and worries. He reminds himself that this is his specialty, the one style in swimming you couldn’t beat him at. He’s slipping his goggles and swim cap before he even realizes he won. 

It’s the first time Chris places gold. And it feels exhilarating, he feels so happy he could cry. He sees you in the stands, grinning and he’s sure he mirrors your grin. 

You take a few pictures after, promising to treat him to ice cream just in time his parents invite you to a trip to the beach for his last day in Australia. On your way home, his parents drop you both off at the ice cream parlor. You give Chan the money and the choice of ordering for you, once he asks whether you want the usual you tell him to surprise you.

And he does, he brings you your usual vanilla-flavored ice cream. You raise an eyebrow at him curious for the reasoning behind it. “It’s your favorite.” He simply says.

You sit in silence, soaking up the comfortable atmosphere trying to let the events that happened today sink in. More scouts had approached you today for an offer and all that, to which you politely listened to despite already having accepted an offer. 

“You know despite knowing you for a long time, I have never heard you sing.” You admit to him which makes him flush in embarrassment, you’ve seen his audition video and heard him hum from time to time but full out singing never. You were always either swimming, playing a few video games or studying with him.

“You’ve seen the audition video.” He argues.

“That doesn’t count!.” You giggle as he tries to avoid your teasing gaze.

“Oh well, then I’ll sing for you tomorrow. Let’s head back and we have a long day tomorrow.” Our last day tomorrow.

iii.

The drive to the beach was spent with Chan's parents singing different songs both in Korean and English, it was really nice seeing them like this. You weren’t exactly sure whether Chan remembered your request, you were hoping he did. Observing them you try to recall the times your parents were like this, knowing that you would never have times like these with your own family.

You arrive a little bit after noon and the moment the car comes to a stop, Chan bursts out the door hopping in excitement as he attempts to drag you towards the direction of the beach. Chan's parents had booked a cottage for you to stay in as you would be heading to the airport the next morning, with Chan’s luggage in the trunk reminding you that this is real, he would be leaving tomorrow and you’re unsure whether you’d see him again.

You try not to let your thoughts bother you as much, as Chan practically dragged you to where you’d be staying, his mother and father leading you both. Chan was practically glowing under the sun’s rays, you found it adorable how excited he was. Not that you’d admit that to his face. 

You both left your stuff in the cottage, letting his parents set up the bonfire for dinner and some smores and allowed you to go swim. You changed into your swimsuit, Chan rushing you as he was already wearing his swim trunks on. “You’re taking so long (Y/n)~” 

“I’m out, I’m out.” You chastise him, pretending to be irritated with him despite your eyes twinkling with amusement. The moment you step out the bathroom door, he’s tugging on your hand and rushing towards the direction of the soft sand. 

Dodging multiple tourists and fellow Australians, you giggle as Chan almost runs into a tall male he quickly apologizes, with the man chastising him for not being careful. The weather was amazing for a swim, the waves not too strong and dangerous, the water was an amazing shade of blue inviting you to take a dip, you see a few surfers up ahead, enjoying themselves.

“You okay? You’ve been dazed for the last few days.” He waves a hand in front of you concerned whether something was wrong.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Come on!” You tug him towards the waves, shrieking as the cool waters hit you. You splash him with the water, accidentally getting some of the saltwater into your eyes he laughs at you, his eyes crinkling into little crescents.

You spend the next few hours playing in the sea, the crystal blue sea so beautiful and captivating it makes you giddy as you swim with Chan, having a few races here and there being cautious not to go too deep. 

Enjoying yourself you float on your back, admiring the view of the blue sky when suddenly it seems too quiet. Planting your feet into the grainy sand, Chan is gone, it fills you with dread with him being out of sight, you yell out his name telling him to stop playing. 

Just when out of nowhere, something tugs at your feet causing you to plunge into the sea, breathing in some of the saltwater, you resurface as quickly as possible as Chan comes into view, grinning innocently with his dimples prominent. He lets out a soft “Boo” letting you smack him scolding him for giving you a scare

“I hate you.” 

“No, you don’t.“ He presses his chin against your shoulder tickling you before he continues to whine. “You loooveee me.” At this you flush, you're not sure why but you feel your heart skip a few beats. 

You avoid his curious brown eyes, teasing as he hugs you from behind apologizing. “You owe me a song and some ice cream.” You pout, furrowing your eyebrows as you cross your arms. 

“Okay~ Come on let’s go eat first, then we’ll buy some.”

♡ ❤ ♡

Dinner passes quickly and comfortably with the Bang family as you eat around the bonfire grilling some seafood and meat, Chan’s mother teaches you how to eat Ssambap, the Bang family teaches you some of the common vocabularies they use. 

“So you call an older sister Noona?” You ask after swallowing your Ssambap listening as they teach you how they address one another.

“Well Noona and Hyung are used by a younger boy to address an older girl and boy respectively, meanwhile, Oppa and Unnie are used by a younger girl to address an older boy and girl,” Chan explains grinning at your pronunciation and at how cute you looked as your brows furrowed in concentration.

“Ahh, but you can only use these to address your siblings?” 

“Well not necessarily-”

“Then you’re my Oppa!” Chan flushes a bright red hue at your statement at this you tilt your head in confusion at his flushed features highlighted by the warm glow of the bonfire, it highlights the specks of brown in his dark eyes. “Did I pronounce that wrong?”

“Well, now it’s just that Oppa is often used by people in a relationship as an endearment to the male it's like babe.” Chan’s mother interjects your conversation, smiling at seeing his son flustered.

“Oh.”

“Well we’ll be taking a walk around, you two enjoy yourselves.” Finishing clean up, the married couple leaves hand in hand giving you the space you needed. 

Chan stands to grab the ice cream from the cooler, two small pints, both being mango swirl. He passes you the pint and then he reaches behind him, pulling out a ukulele which you definitely had not noticed had been behind him. 

“You wanted to hear me sing so here I go.” He sends you a sheepish grin before he begins to strum the ukulele, you immediately recognize Jason Mraz’s song. His voice sounded so soft and sweet, singing the lyrics of the song.

“But I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing

We are just one big family

And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours” 

 At the age of fourteen, you’re pretty sure you have no idea what loving someone is like, loving them romantically rather than platonically. You’re unsure whether it's the lyrics of the song, Chan’s accent, or his voice, the sweet honeyed melody he lets out, it almost reminds you of your comforting vanilla ice cream after a hot summer day, refreshing and relaxing. The song makes you wonder what’s it like falling in love, being special to someone, being loved, and is important to someone.

By now you’re pretty sure that Chris’s your home, your warmth, and your happiness. Though you’ve realized that you can’t keep depending on him like this, you have to find your own way. Observing him, you see how he glows under the bonfire’s light, it highlights his dimple, it seemed natural how he held the ukulele as if he were destined to make music. And maybe he was.

 By the time he finishes the song, you’ve become quiet and it scares him. He’s unsure why but he’s always found your opinion important to him, the criticisms you give when he’s swimming he constantly applies in order to gain your approval. 

“Hey? You okay?” You’ve been out of focus for the past few days and it worried him.

“Hmm. Oh yeah, you sound really good, Chris, you’re going to be amazing I know it.” You smile softly, repeating the statement you’ve always said to reassure him and his insecurities. Though you meant it genuinely, Chris was amazing no matter what he was doing, whether it was sitting in class paying attention to a math problem, or asking for your opinion in his swimming, or just talking to you. He was meant to be amazing.

“I have something to say-”

“I need to tell you something-” You both mutter in unison, before pausing in realization and giggling.

 Chris gestures for you to go first so you continue, “Well, I accepted the scholarship, my dad enrolled me so I’m flying to Canberra in a few days and my dad says he’ll live with me for a while as he got a teaching offer there too.” You pause unsure whether it's the right time to let him know this before deciding you’d rather have no regrets with him. “My dad told me you convinced him to enroll me there.”

“Wait let me explain-” 

“I was hurt, really really hurt. It was as if you were pushing me away. Though later on, I was thankful, really thankful, I needed this. And trust me there’s no way I would be able to bring myself to hate you, Chris. I just needed to get that off my chest.” You hadn’t noticed you had begun tearing up again before he reaches to wipe the tears on your cheek with his thumb.

“I’m sorry, that we have to separate like this. I’m thankful for everything we’ve been through and for meeting you. So I got you this.” He pulls out a paper bag behind him once more. How is he even hiding all these? Inside is a box, you peer at him curiosity tickling your heart. He nudges at you to open it and once you do you find a beautiful necklace inside it, a whale’s fluke as a charm. 

“I hope you like it! It reminded me of you-” Before he could even continue you pulled him into a hug, by this time you’re full out crying unto his shoulder. Sobbing your tears begin to soak his shirt, but he doesn’t let it bother him, instead he hugs you tighter, burying his face into your hair, biting his bottom lips as he attempts to hold back his tears.

“I love it, Chris, it’s gorgeous. Though I’m really really going to miss you! It’s going to be different not swimming with you anymore, not going to the parlor to get ice cream, teasing you for how much you eat, letting me win video games, who’s going to teach me math!? If I weren’t good at swimming the teachers wouldn’t be so patient with me!” Everything comes out rushed as she clutches onto him, trying to let out her fears. Your body shook with sobs and tears tore through his gut, twisting with guilt. “I don’t want you to leave, honestly, but it makes you so happy, music makes me happy so who am I to take your happiness-” This causes his own onslaught of tears and emotions.

“I don’t want to show it but I’m terrified! I’m going to miss you, and everything’s going to be different and new. I’m scared I won’t have any friends there. You have to promise me you’re not going to forget me even when you’re winning all those medals, you have to promise me you’ll come to visit me when you have competitions in Korea. I’ll buy you all the vanilla ice cream in the world if I have to!” Chan’s own set of sobs catches you off guard, his lips trembling.

“What! I’d never forgotten you if anyone’s forgetting me it’s you! How am I going to deal with an Idol best friend!” You yelp exasperated at his claim, you give him a squeeze, rocking back and forth as you try to calm yourselves. “I wanted to give this tomorrow, but well you already gave me your gift so I guess I’ll give you mine.” You pull out the box from your bag, you had used the money you got from your dad as a birthday gift and also some the allowance you get as an athlete to save for this. You had also asked his mom for help in choosing for the gift, not being that knowledgeable in music, you hadn’t known what to get him so you bought him a pair of Bluetooth headphones. 

“This is expensive, how did you afford this?” Sniffling he wipes at his tears looking with you with wide eyes, shocked and astonished. He had been saving up for this pair of earphones for a long time though he had set it aside to buy the necklace knowing that this could be the last time he could see you.

“I think you underestimate the allowance I receive for being an athlete.” You grin at him shrinking under his intense gaze. 

“Have I told you I love you?” huh? You’re not sure whether it’s from the rush of emotions or whether he really meant it so out of stupidity your reply.

“Yeah me too. Well, I’m gonna go observe the sea now haha-” 

“(Y/n)! You can’t shrug this off. I mean it!” Chan pulls you back to take a seat next to him, his eyes twinkling with so much passion, you’ve never seen him look at you like this. You never knew a set of eyes could hold so much emotion. “I know we’re young and I’m leaving tomorrow but I really needed to let you know that-”

You give him a soft peck on the lips, hushing all his unnecessary thoughts. Smiling as you part from him. “Think of this as a promise and also because I don’t think I can handle any Korean girls way prettier than me taking your first kiss.”

“Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about hot swimmers taking yours.” He retaliates.

He’s about to say something else but his parents call you both, telling you to head to bed knowing you’d have to leave early for Chan’s flight. He says nothing else as he fixes up the mats and your bags, tossing the forgotten and untouched mango ice cream back into the coolers saving it for another occasion. 

Thankfully that night, sleep comes easy. 

♡ ❤ ♡

The next morning you’re at the airport to drop off Chan and his mother at the airport, luckily there are no more tears as you bid him farewell. Just a tight hug and a forehead kiss, no promises are made that morning. The next week you’re leaving as well, and off you both go for a better future.

iv.

As Chan toured the group around Sydney, he had felt very giddy to be finally home after so many years being spent training in Korea. Sneaking glances at his members as they neared his home, he chuckled at their curious expressions trying to guess where Chan was bringing them next. 

Stopping at their destination, Chan turned to his members to a grin, announcing they had arrived at their final destination. Glancing at one another in confusion the members attempted to question where they were but were interrupted with the front door opening to reveal the leader’s parents, immediately embracing their son in a warm hug.

They welcomed the boys giving them a small tour of the house as they explored where Chan had grown up. The boys were quite amazed at their leader’s achievements not only academically but especially in his swimming, Chan’s father inviting them to visit his swim club if they had time.

Hyunjin paused at a picture that had both Chan and a young girl showing off their medals, both gold. They both had bright grins with their arms thrown over each other’s shoulders.

 “Hyung, who’s this?”

“Ah, one of my childhood friends.” The older smiled as he began to reminisce how they had met.

Chan’s mother called them over for dinner, the boys finding their places around the table. Chan sighed softly, enjoying the atmosphere as they finished up filming necessary parts for their show. The group made small talk with Chan’s parents asking how they were doing and their plans for the upcoming days.

Chan’s father opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted as Berry, the family’s King Charles Spaniel, began barking excitedly as the front door opened, and was followed by a soft. “Uncle, Auntie I’m back.”

This caused several confused heads to turn towards the entrance, curious to see who had arrived. Chan’s mother proceeded to call her informing the girl that they were in the back. 

“How was training dear, are you hungry? I saved you some food, and please tell me you aren’t working yourself to the bone.” Chan’s mother continued in English confusing some of the boys.

“Me overworking? Where’d you hear that.” Finally stepping into the back, the boys had noticed Chan had gone silent. Eyes watery as he refused to believe that you were here physically, the last he had seen you were three years ago.

“Thank you so much, auntie-” Finally realizing the number of visitors in the house your eyes landed on the blonde, blinking and eyeing what had become different last you saw him. Your eyes watered at the sight of your best friend in the flesh, your emotions hit you like a train.

Before you could say anything else, you were engulfed in a hug, finding comfort in how he seemed to cover your body, his larger one providing security and warmth. It took you a while to realize that his tears had begun to wet your shoulder as you buried your face into his shoulder muffling your sniffles. Pulling away you held his face, wiping his tears as he did with yours. “You’re here, actually here.” 

“I think you need a room, you two” You both chuckled as Chan’s father reminded you that you weren’t the only ones present.

“Wait, that's (Y/n) (L/n) Australia's Individual Medley Gold medalist!” Hyunjin gasps in realization as he clicks his fingers in excitement. Chan chuckled at your confused expression still continuing to wipe your tears, softly explaining what the younger boy had said to you in English.

Turning to your extended family, you asked them if this had been planned. “Actually, not really, it may or may not have happened merely due to good timing, as you rarely come back early from training.” Chan’s dad explained as he stared fondly at the reunited friends, happy to see his son genuinely happy.

Chan then turned to introduce you to his friends, squeezing your intertwined hands in reassurance. Then explaining why Hyunjin had recognized you, was because of his background in swimming. You nodded in understanding then giggled as the younger boy proceeded to talk confidently in English, amazed at his accent. 

“I’m such a big fan” He had told you, proceeding to shake your hand and bow a few times, eyes wide in surprise.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Hyunjin-ssi?” Chan was surprised by your pronunciation and nodded in approval at how you addressed Hyunjin carefully.

The night continued as the younger boys shared their stories of their country, the bright atmosphere hiding the suffocating tension between you and your former best friend. Despite the happy reunion you had just shared with one another, the mixed emotions from the conversation you had a few years back, began to resurface. 

♡ ❤ ♡

You had visited Korea a few years back, but only to attend your Father’s wedding to a Korean woman. Your parents had divorced a few years back and the sudden marriage of your father to another under the short time had not surprised you as he had known the woman even as he was tied to your mother.

Usually, when you felt down you tried to seek a body of water you could swim in, but as aforementioned father had introduced you to swimming it would only remind you of him, making you feel sick to the stomach.

Walking down a few streets, it took you a while to realize you were actually lost. Seeing as your phone had died out, having no means to contact your father nor find your way back.

And just your luck, it had begun to rain, so you rushed to enter the first cafe you find. And in your haste you bump into a taller male, causing the notebook he was holding to clutter across the floor, the male softly muttering something probably in Korean only fueling your confusion.

“I’m sorry” You muttered back in English, not caring if he had understood. You cursed your luck that day, the heavy emotions brewing in your head as you assisted the taller male. 

Not noticing that after hearing your voice, the male’s head had snapped to look at you, eyes widening in surprise. “(Y/n)?” He had asked to confirm if it was really you.

At the mention of your name, this had given you the opportunity to scan his head to toe. Well as best as you could in his crouched form. “Chris?”

Despite the bright atmosphere of the cafe, it did nothing to alleviate the heavy emotions that clouded the two teenagers. Looking back, you could really admit that you were happy to see him, though after explaining why you were in Korea, the male drowned in guilt. 

You had called him thrice the day you received the news that your parents were getting a divorce. 

He had received none of these calls.

I sent him a letter to explain and confide in him about your frustrations, and said letter had accidentally been thrown out by a staff member after he had misplaced it. 

Chan messed up he knew that, but there were times that circumstances like these could not be prevented. He felt upset with himself, being unable to be there for you when you needed him most.

“Sometimes I wish you never left, you could’ve stayed, we could’ve dominated swimming together.” You had softly whispered to him as tears began to well up again, the loud thoughts in your head becoming too much as they pulled at your insecurities to open up to the younger boy about your problems.

“I wish you could’ve picked up the moment I called, but asking for your time and attention would be a tad bit too selfish wouldn’t it. These wishes of mine would be too cruel and selfish of me to ask for, right? When we were fourteen and you asked me to keep in touch, for the first year yeah we managed to but with both our busy schedules, it began to fade. I tried to understand the first time you didn’t pick up, but the next time, I allowed my insecurities to take control as I allowed myself to think I was probably bothering you.” You allowed yourself to speak your thoughts, knowing they would hurt Chan, but they were the truth.

“(Y/n), I’m sorry.” Was all he could muster up, the words heavy on his tongue. 

“I am too Chris. When you asked me if you should go to Korea to follow your dreams, I was reluctant to say yes, but seeing that was where you were truly happy, it made me happy even if I wasn’t a part of it anymore. Traveling over hundreds of miles to follow your dream, not knowing if you'll succeed I admired the guts you had, I remember the night you left, after crying myself to sleep, I promised I would take swimming seriously not only for my Dad or myself but to keep somewhat a piece of you close.” You intertwined your hands, both unable to control your sniffles and tears, you were thankful that the cafe was somewhat unoccupied currently giving you two a tad bit of privacy.

“And when you talked on the phone with me, you seemed so happy to be following your dreams, so I wanted to be proud of you so when you decided that you were too tired to talk to me it broke my heart.” You ended your speech continuing to sniffle as you attempted to calm yourself and wipe your tears. “We won’t be seeing each other for a while again so I hope that you’d continue to be happy here.” Making yourself look presentable as you prepared to exit the cafe as your ride back to the hotel arrived, leaning over the table you pressed a kiss to Chan’s cheek with a soft, “Thank You, Chris.” You barely gave him time to respond before you left him once again.

♡ ❤ ♡

You all had finished fixing up the plates and dishes before the boys began to settle in the living room to sleep. You tossed and turned in Chan’s bed, unable to sleep, as overwhelming thoughts began to cloud your mind.

You were shocked to the door opening softly, a figure trying to enter as quietly as you could. Knowing it could only be one person, you pretended to sleep, attempting to even your breathing.

“Aish, I miss you, like a lot.” the taller male whispered as he laid next to you. “I know I wasn’t able to be there for you, and that I messed up, but I regret not letting you know-” The bed shook with his sobs, you turned to meet his eyes startling him.

“You’ve apologized enough, Chris. Remember we had that video call, the day after I had visited your mom, and then you opened up to me, and I did too. We’ve forgiven one another so no need to be sorry.” You wipe his tears, combing your fingers through his blonde curls as he leans into your touch sighing at how comforting it is. “I’m sorry, that I wasn’t there for you either. You're making me cry again dammit, Chris.” You slapped his hand pretending to be angry with him as he held you close. A lot had occurred over the past few years, and you could notice how much time has changed him physically. Thank the lord for puberty cause he was hot hot.

You both went through your own set of struggles in life, though despite being away from one another you managed to overcome these. You’ve both grown mentally and physically, and you’re so proud of whom he has become, using his music to comfort the people around him, to inspire them to find their way. He really was your north star. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers as he holds you by the waist, you’re surprised the atmosphere isn’t that uncomfortable between you both. He still reminds you of home, your comfort. 

“I’m sorry too, I should’ve looked at things from your perspective.” You whisper in return. “So have you fallen in love with any Korean girls?” You ask him, eyes twinkling in amusement, flabbergasted by your query. 

“I can’t-”

“Even fall asleep.” You complete for him, saying one of his iconic lines during his reality show. “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself.”

“You’ve seen our reality show?” He blinks in surprise ignoring your second question.

“Well yeah, the boys are interesting by the way.” Remembering how loud the boys made you giggle, they were a chaotic bunch, especially the younger ones. Though they made Chan light up, even during the dinner, you observed how Chan would look like a proud dad observing his kids from afar, it was really heartwarming.

“You can be honest, they’re a handful. And to answer your question, no I haven’t fallen in love with any Korean girls, how about you, any hot swimmers you’ve kissed recently?” His question stirs up a lot of unresolved feelings. You wondered if kissing him back then was a good idea, it had proven your feelings for one another, though it made you unsure where you stood. 

You’re both 22, adults with very hectic jobs and schedules. And you may have forgiven one another though despite being adults, neither of you have had actual relationships, with Chan’s contract not allowing him to do so and you just never bothering to do so. So pretty much you both had no idea what to do with your lingering feelings.

“Well, not really.” You really hadn’t kissed any of the swimmers, you’ve had a few offers from different swimmers to take you on dates but it made you feel weird. You grimace, feeling the conversation tense up, you curse yourself for bringing up the idea of romantic relationships.

“(Y/n)” He breathes slowly, trying to calm his racing heart. “I can’t. Well not until we hit three years actually. It would not only put me at risk but also the boys.” Despite being out of touch with you, Chan knows about the dating rumors that had been encircling you and a fellow Australian swimmer, though knowing you, you would put aside your own happiness for his.

“Your contract I know. I’m not insinuating anything, it was just a question.” You huff, you roll unto your side, turning away from him. “It’s just that we’ve made a lot of sacrifices haven’t we? I can’t put you into a difficult situation that may tear you apart from your happiness.”

“That’s why I’m telling you to forget about me, go and date, I’m sure there's a lot of suitors waiting for your hand. I don’t want you to feel burdened by committing to me. And if we’re really meant to be it’ll happen.” He presses his chest unto your back, pressing a kiss unto your shoulder. “But I want you to know that I love you, no matter what happens, and that I want you to be happy not only for me but for yourself. Come to the beach with us.”

“Gosh, you can’t just tell me to go on dates then tell me you love me. Has sleep deprivation really messed with your head?” You feel his chest vibrate with his chuckles as he nuzzles into the crook of your neck. “This is cruel. But fate is always cruel I guess.” 

“Fate brought me to you.” 

“Gosh, when did you get so cheesy Chris?” You snicker, feeling his hands tighten over your waist, moments you shared with him always felt right. “We’re good right?” 

“Come swim with us tomorrow and then we’re good.” His breathing evens out signaling he’s fallen asleep. His soft breathing eventually lulls you to sleep. 

v.

The next morning you’re picked up in two black vans, the boys having hustled you into joining them swim at their hotel, bold statements claiming they want to see you swim and all that. You agree, only because the younger ones gave you puppy eyes that you couldn’t handle, and because you really couldn’t deny Hyunjin who had claimed he looked up to you.

The drive is loud which is expected, though it really had been a long time since you’ve hung out with a lot of people. It was different from your teammates, they'd invite you to go party with them after competitions, and that was pretty much it. You always found it difficult to grow closer with your teammates with most of them being older. And ever since your family had problems you had become aloof and distant, finding it difficult to interact with other people. Though with these boys it was different, they held such good energy with one another it was impossible not to take a liking to them. 

"Are you our noona?" Was Hyunjin's first question, as currently you were squeezed between Hyunjin and Chan with Felix and Seungmin in the back. You were told that they played rock paper scissors to get the order of choosing their seats. Chan was given an exception for today as he had a guest. 

"That's an older girl, right? Then yes I am your noona." You smile at him finding it cute how he tried his best to speak to you and ask questions about your training and daily rituals, from time to time he'd ask Chan a question in Korean before turning to you and continuing your conversation. 

The other two in the back would pitch in from time time, asking how you and Chan met and how you had started your interest in swimming. "Well my dad was a coach, he still is but he resides in Korea because of his wife, I visit him from time to time. We aren't really on good terms because of his wife." 

"By the way, my mom told me you came to visit your mom while you stayed with them, how is she?" Chan knew your mother had gotten sick recently, he had heard from his mother, you had always tried to keep your family hidden from the media, not only to protect their privacy but also to prevent any scandals. Though Chan was also sure it was to protect your own pride, it would put you in a difficult situation, it would cause a domino effect of rumors and assumptions to arise from the media. 

And despite your problems you were strong and Chan is really proud of how far you’ve come. “She’s fine, she’ll be hospitalized for a bit but she’s fine.” To the other boys, it would seem as if you were trying to reassure their leader but to Chan, it sounded as if you were trying to reassure yourself.

Trying to lighten the mood, Felix asks you about any funny stories you had about their oh-so responsible leader, but to their disappointment, you claim that Chan was too perfect and was the goody two shoes of your duo, and you refrained telling them any dirt on Chan claiming he had twice the amount of dirt on you. At your despair, Felix laughs with you agreeing that their leader can be scary. 

Something catches his eye as the light catches unto it, it’s your necklace, the shine it once had worn out due to the long years that had worn it out, but despite that you still wore it. The whale's tail sat just above the crevice between your collar bones, he had always called you an Orca, not only because Orcas were known for being the fastest whales, but he calls you this because of your weird sleeping habits.

Orcas need to be half-conscious even when they’re asleep in order to keep breathing in their sleep. And unbeknownst to you, you sleep talk in your sleep, not only murmurs and mumbling but rather full out conversations. Chan found this small tidbit of information during your first sleepover at his house, he had been so disturbed the next morning when you couldn’t recall your conversation about him the test you had earlier in the day.

The conversations lessened as you grew older, probably due to your developing bodies, but despite that he still calls you an Orca, when you had asked him why he had simply shrugged saying that you were the fastest swimmer and because it sounded cool. Though he had to admit he wished you had been more creative with your own nickname for him, Bangaroo wasn’t nearly as cool as the great predator, killer whale Orca (Y/n). 

You arrive in their hotel, the boys rushing to their hotel rooms to get changed into their swim trunks. Chan ushers you into his room, where he was rooming with Changbin, both boys enter the room to get a few stuff and change into their swim trunks. And you’re thankful you had changed in Chan’s house and was already wearing your own swimsuit underneath a pair of shorts and a shirt because it was difficult trying to keep up with their energy. And once more you’re ushered into the elevator and then into the pool.

You see Seungmin and Woojin by the side in their loungewear, you wave at them. Seungmin sips at his blended fruit shake, unable to exert himself because of the back injury that he had gotten during filming. “Hello Noona, are you racing Hyung today?” He smiles at you reminding you of the golden retriever one your teammates had.

Woojin mutters something in Korean to Seungmin you pick up words such as older and age it makes you wonder if he asked about your age in order to address you properly. The moment your shirt and shorts are off, strong arms swoop you off the floor and you shriek in shock as you’re thrown into the pool.

“CHRISTOPHER BANG” The boys laugh at the use of their leader’s full name, who merely smirks at you. 

“Think of all the times you pushed me into the pool when I was shorter than you!” You’re happy that despite living in Korea for a long time, his Australian accent is still prominent and you find it cute. 

The rest of the boys rush in Hyunjin screaming something in Korean along the lines of starting. You find some of the staff filming the boys to create some content for their fans, Chan explains to you that even though they’re topless they would still be edited with heart stickers to give them some privacy. Once they’re finished filming a few scenes of them swimming and playing around the staff allows you to join them in the pool. 

Chan excitedly tugs your hand towards the pool, a rush of emotions fills your heart reminding you of the days where you would challenge him to races. Frustrated to see someone beat you for the first time, though you had to admit it was nice to have someone to compete with, it drove you to push yourself to get better.

“Rules are we race one lap from this end to the other, rock paper scissors winner gets to choose the style.” Chan grins you, his dimple prominent as he explains his rules. “Oh and loser treats ice cream.”

“Fine by me.” You shrug. The boys whooping at your nonchalant and confident attitude as they begin to place their bets, ice cream also on the line. “Just so you know, I’m not going easy just because you’re an idol now.”

Felix bounces in excitement announcing that he’ll be the ref for the race. "Kai, bai, bo!" Both you and Chan put out rocks, you hear him take a sharp inhale, knowing that the style would heavily affect who wins the race. "Kai, bai, bo!" Chan grins eyes twinkling in excitement before pumping his fist into the air. “Butterfly it is!” You deadpan as those who had bet on Chan jump ounce in excitement, namely, the ever so loyal 2Racha, Changbin, and Jisung and Woojin and Minho.

The rest of the Maknae line gives their own cheers of encouragement, with Hyunjin even claiming that you don’t have to be good at Rock paper scissors to be a good swimmer. You laugh at that one. 

Taking your positions, you toss Chan a grin. “It’s been a while.”

Felix gives the count. “3,2,1!” You push yourself into the cool waters, pacing yourself before you begin to rotate from you, your shoulder you break through the surface taking quick but paced breaths every time you come up. The boys gasp at your reaction time, your form, graceful as you dive. 

They easily see the difference between experience and professional training between you and Chan, easily taking the lead with your quick reaction time. Chan’s movements cut through the water, wherein yours are much softer yet quick, endurance and timing were definitely needed to master the butterfly stroke.

During your childhood, Chan easily beat you at endurance and how he used his breathing technique which is why you had never beaten him at the butterfly stroke. You still feel salty. Though because you now swam Individual Medley you pushed yourself to develop yourself in all four strokes instead of just focusing on one.

You feel Chan behind you, causing you to push yourself a few inches away from the end. You huff as you tap the wall, laughing as you come up from the water with a victorious “hah!” Chan’s shoulders shake in exhaustion from racing you, he huffs surfacing, he glares at you.

“Are you human?!”

The younger boys jump up and down in happiness, yelling out the flavors of ice cream they want. You laugh at Chan’s dumbfounded expression, pulling him out of the pool you toss him a wink. “I want some strawberry.”

You spend some more time with the boys in the pool, even watching them race one another, Hyunjin even gathers up the courage to ask if you could race him and give him criticism. You help him fix his arms and teach him how to save his stamina. With Chan’s help, the younger boy explains to you that even though they have such busy schedules, swimming is still his go to work out.

Later in the afternoon, the boys invite you to come to dinner with them, explaining that you should recommend the good restaurants around Melbourne before you leave tomorrow morning to resume training and classes because despite being an athlete you still had university to attend.

Changbin and Chan offer you their shower while they showered in the other’s boys’ room to give you some privacy. It’s only a matter of time before you’re rushed into their van, it seems that their life is always on the hustle and bustle, though it doesn’t really shock you with how their schedules are so tight. You wonder how they got to convince their manager to spend a free day like this. Well not exactly free because they had filmed yesterday and today, you could only imagine the amount of practice they would be doing tomorrow before their concert.

The drive to the restaurant is much quieter, with their energies toned down, you decide to take a nap leaning unto Chan's shoulder with Minho on your other side, Jisung and Changbin taking up the back.

Noting you’re asleep Minho asks, “Are you dating Hyung? You know we can’t at least not now.” 

Alarmed by the question, Chan checks your breathing to ensure you really are asleep and unconscious. “I know that I already talked about it with her. Plus she has someone waiting for her back in Sydney, I’ve decided to let her go. I can’t keep expecting her to keep waiting for me. She’s missing out on life.”

The romantics Han Jisung and Seo Changbin part their lips in awe at the words of their Hyung. “That’s like the manliest thing I’ve ever heard in my 18 years of living Hyung. Amazing.” 

“Though Hyung what if you’re the only one that could make her happy, what would you do? You can’t just keep deciding her happiness for her.” Minho perks up, the dancer admired how Chan had looked at you, it made him glow with so much emotion, erasing all signs of exhaustion from Chan.

“Well, we agreed to let time and fate decide whether it’s meant to happen. She respects that we’re on a dating ban and that I can’t put boys at risk. That’s why I decided to give her the push she needed without feeling guilty if she’s in love with someone else.” Chan glances at you nuzzled into his shoulder.

“Wah... I could make an entire album out of this.” Changbin mused feeling nothing but admiration for the older member.“

“Hmm. That’s a good idea.”

♡ ❤ ♡

After dinner you’re all taking walks down the pier heading for the well-known ice cream parlor Felix was familiar with. You argue with Chan on who gets to pay despite the bet, you tell him you rarely get to see him, and that he The company card paid for dinner already, you finish it with an elbow to his stomach to emphasize your claim.

During dinner the boys had asked if you would be watching their shows, you had told them your schedules were pretty hectic because of an upcoming qualifier match, and that you had only visited Melbourne to check up on your mother. You told them you would try to see if you could come to their Sydney show, which was closer to your university.

The boys could only watch your interaction with amusement, and luckily neither of you were recognized, despite them being idols and you being one of the youngest Olympic medalists. When none of the boys approach the counter to choose their flavors you threaten them with your elbow. Which causes them to rush towards the counter saying the flavors of ice cream they want. 

Now you’re all walking along the harbor enjoying your cups of ice cream, the boys give you and Chan some space, walking further from you both. And it's amusing that despite most of them are adults they all look like scheming kids, about to prank their parents. 

“Anyway tell me about him,” Chan says through a mouthful of vanilla ice cream, you chose for him. The question catches you off guard until you realize who he's talking about.

“You stalker! So you do know about the dating rumors!” You smack his arm, not caring if it would leave a bruise.

“OW! Well, it was all over the news this January, which is rare because you’re one of the athletes that like to keep your life private so I didn’t really stalk you.” He holds his arm close to him, rubbing at where you had hit him. ”Do you like him?”

“Well, he’s decent, though we're not dating. He’s a teammate though, he makes sure I don’t get left out of the team and he’s the same age as you and Woojin.” You play with your plastic soon, before scooping some strawberry ice cream into your mouth, you find it sweet and refreshing.

“So why aren’t you dating him?” Chan raises his eyebrow at you, pointing his spoon at you. 

“You know the answer to that Chris.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m telling you to try it out with him. I give you my blessing.” He uses the spoon as if here about to dub you as your next knight. You roll your eyes at his childishness, you swear his dramatic streak comes from Hyunjin. “No but seriously, (Y/n).” Chan tosses his finished vanilla-flavored ice cream into the trash bin.

“Alright.”You scoop the remaining sweet strawberry ice cream into your mouth before tossing the cup into a trash bin.

“You better make good on that promise, you’re missing out on all those thic international swimmers.” God if he weren’t the love of your life you would’ve thrown him over the railings and into the sea. “Henry, looks tasty, why don’t you get a taste of that?” At the mention of one of your closer teammates you flush.

“Ugh, you’re gross!” You start hitting him as he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively

 “Ow! Ow!” Despite his yelps, he’s still laughing, before he starts running to avoid your hits.

It doesn’t take you long to catch him, launching yourself onto his back, luckily he doesn’t collapse at your weight, he easily maneuvers your body so that you’re piggyback riding him comfortably. Sometimes you forget you’re both grown adults and you’re reminded by this at your close proximity.

Everything's good until a camera flashes in front of you, ready to tug down the cap you both wore and yell at whoever took your picture for invading both your privacy though luckily it’s just Hyunjin. “Ah, young love.” He looks into his phone pleased by his candid shot.

“Yah! You scared me.” Chan frowns at the younger boy, still blinking out the effects of the bright flash.

“Manager Hyung says we have to go, we have to drop off Y/n at your parents’ house.” Hyunjin gestures at the other members who currently were playing rock paper scissors as they wait for the car. 

You hear a loud “Yes!”, with one of the boys arguing in Korean along the lines of something being unfair. They’re a good bunch of those boys, they compliment Chan’s playfulness. It's good to see how they complete one another. After your mother had talked to you about how much Chan had struggled in Korea it broke your heart. Though maybe he was right. It was better for you both to not make any promises to the other. Knowing that both your careers were so demanding, long-distance relationships never worked, you knew that. 

The car ride is quiet, this time you were seated in between Felix and Chan, with Jeongin and Jisung in the back. You had said your farewells to the other boys, they had to head back earlier to rest up in the hotel, with Seungmin and Changbin still healing their injuries, Minho, Woojin, and Hyunjin had accompanied them. They had each given you little waves of their own, saying to contact them if you’d be visiting Korea. Though not before asking you to take a picture with them, Hyunjin even gathered up his own courage to take a solo picture with him and asked for your social media details. And during the time Chan was talking to their manager, he had asked for a hug, he explains that he’s too shy to do it in front of his Hyung.

Chan’s asleep along with Jisung and Jeongin. Soft little snores escaping him, finding himself comfortable against your shoulder. “You make each other really happy you know,” Felix smiles at you. “I’ve never seen him like this.”

“It’s been a while since I saw him, so yeah it’s been a roller coaster of emotions.” You brush through his blonde curls, missing his darker ones. You liked seeing him bare-faced and with his natural hair color, all the makeup, and dyeing, reminded of how much pressure these boys go through to look perfect. “You lived in Sydney, right? I heard from Chan you went to St. Patrick’s. I go to Griffith so it’s sports-oriented. What’s it like studying at a catholic school.”

“Well we have classes on religion, the dress code is pretty strict, but besides that, it’s pretty normal.” Felix shrugs, Catholic schools had a lot of misconceptions about them despite being pretty normal. “It must be amazing studying at Griffith, I heard you have to be invited by either the head or the assistant head coach to get in there.”

“Yeah, a representative visited me on our graduation, to be honest, I wouldn’t have taken it if Chan hadn’t decided to go to Korea. And god knows what I’d be doing if I wasn’t at their program.” With a negligent family like yours, it would’ve gotten you into trouble with just the right amount of bad influence. “Though it’s tiring, having so many expectations on your shoulders, to keep breaking records, placing and improving. But that’s life, isn’t it? Chasing after perfection which you’d never be able to achieve.”

“Hmm, yeah we were designed with that mentality and it’s sad. So much criticism in the world about every single imperfection.” Felix sighs, reminiscing his hardships he had experienced during the reality show. 

“I admire you boys, seeing your survival show gave me a lot of strength, it helped me understand Chan better. You boys are doing well, don’t worry too much about it.” Reaching around Chan’s shoulders you give him a tight squeeze on his arm. “Take care of Chris for me Lix, remind him to eat and sleep.” You sigh couldn’t help but worry for your best friend.

“I will noona.” You exchange social media details with the younger boy, promising to keep in touch from time to time. The car comes to a halt in front of the Bang Residence, just in time when Chan blinks out the sleep from his eyes, yawning before he realizes you’ve stopped in front of his house.

You exit first, their manager getting off to help you get your bag from the trunk. You mutter your thanks in Korean to their manager, as Chan steps out from the car to say his own goodbye. He engulfs you in a hug, you take a whiff of his cologne breathing in the comforting smell. 

How many times must we keep repeating our goodbyes.

He presses a kiss unto your forehead, letting his chin rest on top of yours. “No more promises of waiting. Only promising each other to do the things that make you happy, even if it means loving someone else okay?”

“Okay” You whisper into his chest, trying to imprint into your memory how his heartbeat sounded. 

“Can I kiss you? Just one last time.” You nod, he tilts your head, pressing his lips onto yours gently. He cradles your cheeks so gently and you’re surprised at how he tastes like vanilla, it immediately comforts you, reminding you of all your childhood memories with him. His other hand holds you by the waist as you tangle yours by his nape, playing with the tufts of blonde curls. Time seemed to stand still, and everything was so perfect, everything felt so perfect.

You part from, slowly opening your eyes to meet him. He’s so beautiful like this, your north star. You get up onto the tip of your toes, you tilt his head down, reaching to press a soft kiss unto your forehead. “Goodbye, Chris.”

When had Vanilla begun tasting bittersweet?

♡ ❤ ♡

Before you know it, you’re back in training. You had been so tired from your flight you had slept in and were late to morning training, and currently doing extra laps with weights. God, do I hate weights. 

Morning training goes quickly, and your reaction time is terrible today. So you find yourself doing more laps than necessary, to make up for your mistakes. The moment you’re finished you see Henry by the end of the pool, offering a hand to help you out of the pool. 

You see him in his casual clothes, ready for his classes. You take his hand careful not to drench him as he pulls you out of the pool. “Don’t you have classes?” You ask him curious about what made him wait for you, you had to agree with Chan he is cute. You may be biased but Korean- Australians are cuter.

“Well, prof canceled today so we both don’t have classes” Just like you, Henry Young majored in Sports Sciences. From time to time you forget you shared most of your classes with the Chinese- Australian, Henry often hung out with his clique which consisted of a lot of jocks which would explain why you rarely interacted with him.

“Is that so?” You humm from the locker rooms, you’re skimming through your gym bag, surprised to see a box, you wonder where this could’ve come from. You open the box to find a necklace similar to yours, instinctively your hands reach for the whale’s tail that sat above the crevice between your collarbone. You realize it’s much pricier with how intricate the design is and then you find an engraving saying find your happiness.

You peek your head out from the locker rooms shocking Henry who had been waiting. “Hey, Henry does your offer on that date still stand?” 

He perks up at this mouth parting in surprise as he blinks.”Yes! Of course!”

You smile, Chan’s words ringing in the back of your head. “No more promises of waiting. Only promising each other to do the things that make you happy, even if it means loving someone else okay?”

vi.

Felix can feel his chest swell with pride at being able to take care of the older members, it makes him happy to be able to reassure his Hyungs that they could rely on him and the younger members. Especially their leader, Chan,  looks out so much for the younger members yet forgets to take care of himself, he puts so much pressure on himself that it hurts to see him like this. 

The younger Australian continues stirring the soup he was making for dinner, the comforting aroma surrounding their apartment. His phone on the counter lets out a soft ping, he reaches for it to check his notifications, and just on schedule, it’s your little notes for the members. 

It’s almost been a year and a half since they had visited Australia as a group and since then, you and Felix would send each other little notes. The notes would range from a series of “how are you?”, “Good luck” and “Congratulations”. From time to time Felix would just share tea with one another, like what happened at the latest frat party you attended with your members, or which idols had attempted to ask out their older seniors. 

Out of all the members, Felix had become your closest member after Chan, finding comfort in your similarities and shared experiences as Aussies. Opening your message he almost drops his phone into the stockpot in shock.

Aussie Swimmer 

Chris has been keeping me on delivered, is he alright? Or is he cooped up producing again? Please remind him to eat and not to overwork himself, the others too stay safe! Miss you guys! Might be dropping by on the weekend for a tournament I might bring Henry along if you don’t mind?

Henry huh? Felix blinks at the message, he knows you’ve been official for some time now, about three months after they had visited Australia, both swimmers had posted on their personal Instagram account, catching the whole sports community off guard. Trending as the powerful swimming couple, with you as one of the youngest females to win gold for the Individual Medley and Henry Young holding the fastest time for the Men’s 100M Backstroke. 

Felix had to admit you both looked good together, (everyone has already been expecting you both to create talented swimming babies.) He remembered how Chan had reacted to the news, they had been at practice when the news had gone viral. It immediately eliminated all dating rumors between you and Chan, after eagle-eyed STAYs has connected pictures of you and Chan during your childhood, and after seeing some of your Instagram pictures with their leader.

Chan had gone silent for the rest of the day, though later on, Felix had seen the older male video calling you. Tediously sharing every detail of how Henry had greeted you with a fragrant bouquet, before taking you to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Followed by a tour in a scenic arts museum, where he surprised you with a gorgeous yet simple bracelet and then asked you to be his girlfriend.

The leader had merely nodded and listened to you with a dimpled smile at how excited you glowed. Chan could definitely see that the swimmer has been making you very happy, with how blooming he’s seen you in your latest Instagram posts and the candid pictures the media has released of you. 

Felix ponders whether you’ve told Chan about you arriving this weekend, you’ve visited Korea a few times, meeting up with the boys if both your schedules permitted as there are times you fly in and out for a tournament or workshop, though sometimes you visit your dad after Chan’s advice to try and make things better with your dad.

Most of the boys had noticed a pattern with Chan, usually every single time news of you and your boyfriend starts trending, they’d find him cooping himself up for at least a day before he meets with Han and Changbin handing in a new track for them to make lyrics for.

Minho being the eldest after Chan had brought it up with their Manager concerned at Chan’s unhealthy habits. Their Manager reassured them saying that as long as Chan remembers to rest and eat every time he locks himself up he’ll be fine. And besides most of the boys were scared to actually confront the eldest member about it.

Finishing his cooking, he calls the boys for dinner, and he’s surprised to see a zombie-like Chan approaching the table before he takes a seat at the head. Seungmin helps set the table, as the other members emerge from the different corners of their shared apartment, each member has their own response to seeing the leader out of his room and joining them to eat.

“Wah.. Lix, that smells good, good job.” Changbin pauses at seeing the older member but says nothing, choosing to ruffle the younger member’s hair by taking a seat next to him. 

Taking their seats the members converse about their schedules for the next few days, and plans. “Bin, I have a new track I think you’d like,” Chan gulps down a spoonful of rice causing the rapper’s eyes to widen. “Actually a few tracks.” 

“How many tracks did you produce this time Hyung?” Han munches on his food addressing the older leader. "You've been getting a lot of inspiration lately haven- AH!" 

His question is interrupted as Minho shoves a well-deserved elbow into his side, Jisung glares at the older member looking around whether someone would come to his defense but to his disappointment, they all continue eating as if nothing had happened. 

Felix decides to save the news for later at a much more discreet time with the older members of the group, fearing the same reaction from Minho. Though we all know despite being born a day apart Jisung is bullied while Felix is babied. Leaning into Changbin he whispers, "Hyung, can I talk to you later." 

"Hmm, sure what's it about?" Changbin whispers discreetly trying to avoid gaining the attention of their eldest leader who was currently occupied watching Seungmin and Hyunjin argue over a certain Korean drama they were both engrossed in over the past few days.

"It's about Y/n" Felix lowers his voice, eyeing the leader across the table. 

Changbin meets his eyes nodding at him, having an idea on what the conversation might be about. "Okay we'll take a walk after dinner." 

Luckily the members don't find it too unusual when Changbin and Felix tell them they'll be taking a walk to the mart down the street to pick up some ice cream. Instead, they all shout the different flavors they want, teasing the rapper that he wouldn’t be allowed back in the dorm if he doesn’t buy it, so here they are enjoying the bright nightlife of Seoul.

"Noona's arriving this weekend, she has a tournament on Saturday. She's asking whether we want to meet up." Felix tells the older boy, observing how he bites his lip, signifying how he filters out his words.

“I suspected something like that happened, I saw hyung’s phone by accident-”

“She wants to introduce Henry to us.” This silences the older rapper, he had only seen the message that reader would be visiting, which is why he hadn’t questioned Chan’s lock up this time. 

“Oh.” Is all that he can say, he doesn’t really know what to do with this information, but he has to admit it was only a matter of time before Chan and Henry would meet. It would only make sense for Henry to meet Chan to get the approval of your best friend.

“We can say we’re busy hyung, I can lie to her, well it isn’t really a lie but a white lie.” Felix says this out of worry for his leader. Though Changbin can’t have Felix doing that, breaking his Noona’s trust for Hyung's. It’s Chan who got them into this mess so he’d have to deal with the consequences.

“No Lix, you don’t have to, this weekend is a free day anyway, I’m sure our manager doesn’t mind. And I’ll talk to Minho Hyung for a plan.”

“Oh alright. I’ll leave it to you then.” Changbin ruffles Felix’s hair, the younger boy always wanted the best for his Hyungs even if it required compromising or sacrificing. The older member always found it so endearing.

♡ ❤ ♡

Orca Y/n

Hey Bangaroo! I’m visiting this weekend, I have a tournament this Saturday. Are you free for dinner? I want you to meet Henry, he’s been dying to meet the man that “entangled our fates together” or something like that. Anyway I miss you, please take care of yourself. 

Chan tosses his phone on the bed before he runs his hands through his hair frustrated. God do I hate this.

vii.

Their manager leads them up the stairs and into the indoor pool, the venue is packed with swimmers from different universities and countries. They sit higher up in order to avoid the crowds, and they’re just in time when they see you enter the hall representing your country with your team jacket. 

Felix easily spots you with the pair of eye goggles he had given you during your last birthday. He had really wanted to give you something as you had given him a new game for his birthday. He had even asked Chan for help to choose which ones he should get, he was also worried that you wore sponsored one during competitions but he’s happy to see you wearing the ones he had personally given you. 

“Look it’s noona!.” Hyunjin points at your small figure, stepping up unto the starting block stretching as you wait for the signal.

3racha had stayed behind for a meeting with their boss for the critique on the upcoming album, they had promised to meet up at the restaurant once they finished up. Minho could only pray and hope that they won’t miss dinner and make it awkward with Y/n thinking that her boyfriend had made Chan uncomfortable and would make his younger members fend for themselves.

Y/n would only be participating in one race today which would be the 200M Individual Medley, the boys had planned to surprise her in front of the locker rooms once she finishes the race. The younger boys could only imagine your reaction once you received the bouquet they had prepared.

“Look, it's starting,” Jeongin tells the other members under his mask, the boys could only watch in awe at how you moved differently from the other swimmers. Your reaction time on the spot as your back arches, diving into the pool's waters.

It makes Seungmin ponder about the possibility of mermaids as you swim, starting with the butterfly stroke as you gracefully propel yourself across the pool, pacing yourself knowing that this was the style you had the most difficult it would make sense no to tire yourself out. 

Once you reach the end you push against the touchpad to gain momentum moving unto the backstroke. “Isn’t Noona’s specialty free?” Seungmin asks Felix who was much more knowledgeable in swimming compared to the younger boy.

“Yeah, it is. It’s amazing that she has to swim in four different styles.” Felix responds to the vocalist, who sits at the edge of his seat in anticipation of the results. 

“She won a medal in the Olympics for this category.” Jeongin grins from where he sits, watching his hyung part his lips in amazement. 

“Look she’s almost done!” Seeing you in your last lap and specialty made the younger boys part their lips in awe at how you accelerated pushing yourself to finish the race. 

And by the time you finish first, the boys are heading down to wait for you outside the locker room to surprise you. They see you with Henry, the older male helping you with your gym bag, your eyes are immediately widening at the sight of them. Minho hands you the bouquet with a small smile, the boys chest swell with pride at your reaction to the flowers they had argued about which to get in the flower shop.

“Thank you, you guys didn’t have to do all this!” You’re pulling them in for hugs. Luckily there aren’t that much people in the lobby with everyone still watching the other races, Henry had finished his race before yours. “Henry, these are Chris’s friends, Jeongin, Minho, Seungmin, Felix, and Hyunjin, he used to swim.”  Each boy waves at the mention of their name, sending your boyfriend a polite smile.

“No no, not as good as you Noona.” The younger boy smiles as you ruffle his head.

“Where’s Chris? And Bin and Hannie?” Your eyes scan the area, hoping that the loud trio would jump out of something to scare you.

“They’re still at a meeting with PD-nim, they’ll be meeting us at the restaurant.” Felix ruffles your hair, leading you to where their cars wait.

“Oh, okay.” 

♡ ❤ ♡ 

Chan’s leg bounces up and down in anxiety as they wait for the other boys and the Australian couple. He’s spent the last few minutes playing on his phone, looking at the menu, coloring in the coloring book that came with the kids menu, locking and unlocking his phone basically looking for things to distract him and his nerves.

Changbin eyes him from where he sits right next to him, feeling his anxious energy radiate off him in waves. Concerned he sends a kick to the younger producer who sat across him, jolting in pain he sends a glare to Changbin who gestures to check his phone

Hannie  ♡  

Yah. Was that kick necessary you jerk? What do you want?

                                                                                                                          Bin

                                                                       Chan looks like he’s about to sprint.

Hannie  ♡ 

He does. What do you want me to do? tie him up? 

                                                                                                                         Bin

                                                                       Idiot no, I’m just concerned for him

Hannie  ♡ 

This is Chan Hyung we're talking about he’ll be fine trust me. 

Han’s messages do nothing to reassure the older rapper, who could only hope that this dinner goes well. Changbin’s phone buzzes but this time it isn’t from Han, instead it’s from Hyunjin.

Hyunjinnie ♡ 

We’re pulling up Hyung.

God she’s beautiful.  It is the first thought that comes to Chan’s mind as you’re walking towards him. Chan wonders if this is what it's like to see your bride for the first time, his heart skips a beat at the thought of you in a white dress. You’re dressed in a simple hoodie, jeans and sneakers just like the rest of the boys, yet Chan feels like he could marry you right here and right now.

The unpleasant feeling is back in the pit of his stomach as he sees her hand intertwined with the Chinese- Australian he recognizes as Henry Young. The younger swimmer is blooming as she approaches the older boy beaming at him with such a radiant and sunny smile. Chan wishes the earth would open up a hole to swallow him up at how giddy you looked.

“Chris!” The idol could only smile, standing to greet you with a tight hug ignoring the fact that you’re blatantly being affectionate in front of your boyfriend. “I missed you so much!” The last he’s seen you was last Christmas in Australia, you had been so busy with university and preparations for the qualifiers for the next Olympics you could only come to Korea for tournaments or to train.

Chan sees the female swimmer reach behind her to introduce her boyfriend, who had been timidly watching the interaction between you two. Chan offers his hand to introduce himself, “Christopher Bang, leader of the upcoming group Stray Kids, don’t worry I’ve heard all about you. Henry Young.” The older man tells the idol.

“I hope it’s all good things.” Chan chuckles glancing at his best friend.

“Trust me they are.” Henry tightens his grip, and Chan isn’t exactly sure what it means but Henry releases his grip. Rounding the table to take a seat next to her girlfriend who sits across Chan. 

Dinner goes smoothly, the playful banter between Chan and Y/n does not go unnoticed by the other members as they tease each other on the upcoming album, with the swimmer pouting at how discreet the leader was about their upcoming album. 

“Hey Bang if I break my next record you have to let me listen to one song!” She attempts to persuade the idol who merely chuckles at how cute she’s being. “Binnie, Hannie come on help me out here.” 

“Aish, don’t drag me into this Y/n.” The other producer tells her in English, and she’s extremely well at how good Changbin’s pronunciation has gotten over the few months. “That’s up to Hyung to decide.”

“Don’t worry I got you Y/n, I’ll slip you the file later.” Han winks from where he’s seated next to her. “It’ll be our little secret. Or not. You’re on your own, my good friend.” Seeing Chan raise an eyebrow at the younger producer's antics makes Han’s heart fill with dread.

“Why’re you being so secretive about it? You always let me hear snippets of your song.” Chan sees her cross her arms over her chest, frowning at how the other members smile as you banter with Chan.

“The company compels us to, Noona.” Hyunjin cuts through your banter and Chan thanks his lucky stars for the dancer. The younger member had been studying English nonstop the past few days ever since he had known you’d be visiting. He’s been excited to have a conversation with you. 

Though honestly, the real reason why Chan had been so secretive about their music was that it had involved a lot of sappy and melancholic music about love. And Chan’s unsure of how’d you react to an entire album being dedicated to you, it’s probably best if you don’t find out about it for now. 

Chan notices how quiet the older swimmer had been ever since he had been bantering with his best friend. He turns to the other Australian who picks at food before he feels Chan's gaze at him, their eyes meet and he offers Chan a polite yet vacant smile. 

“Noona, since Hyung won’t show you a snippet of the music I offer you this.” Minho does their key point in their choreography, the other boys giggling at your confused expression watching you ask them to enlighten you whether the four counts of choreography Minho had done would be in the chorus, bridge or verses.

“Yah, Lee Minho, if this isn’t in the choreography, I swear I’ll come back here to hit you.” Chan could only feel pride swell within your chest as you speak in Korean to the main dancer. You had begun studying and practicing the language after realizing you’d be coming here often to either teach or swim.

And before they know it they’re taking a walk, the maknae line stealing your attention as they help practice your Korean, asking you random questions and translating if you find it difficult to answer, the questions range from what your favorite color is to your favorite season, animal and member. They argue for third place knowing Chan and Felix were your first and second respectively.

And to Chan’s shock, he finds your boyfriend by his side. “She’s gorgeous isn’t she?” The swimmer turns to Chan with a sigh, “You look at her in a certain way.”

Chan doesn’t respond to that, instead he tells the older boy. “Thank you for being there for her, for taking good care of her she means a lot to me.” They watch the younger members tease the female swimmer over something laughing in a carefree manner.

“I know that she means a lot to you, she’s also really important to me. So you don’t have to give me that lecture of taking care of her or hurting her. I really love her.” He sees Henry sigh, dazed as he looks at nothing else but you. 

“Don’t worry I wasn’t”

“Oh no you don’t I knew you were going to give me one. I also know that you were a catalyst in Y/n finally agreeing to go out with me. So I’d like to thank you for that.” Henry pats Chan’s shoulder awkwardly but in genuine gratitude. “I never knew if she’d say yes, though even if she didn’t I’d still want to be her friend.”

“Why’d you stick around? She’s not exactly friendly with a lot of people.” The golden necklace twinkles under the night’s sky as you converse with the other boys. Chan’s glad that you’ve kept his little gift, it suits you the whale’s tail, it’s like a huge part of your persona. 

“I don’t really know, the other swimmers had completely given up trying to get to know her, that’s why she swims individual medley despite the fact that she’d make a powerful anchor for the relay. I had to admit that I found her pretty at first but I just didn’t like how the other swimmers call her a stuck up just cause she doesn’t hang out with us. I also share a lot of classes with her but I know that she didn’t really notice.” Chan recognizes the look Henry gives you it’s just as Henry had said, he looked at her in a certain way. “There’s just so much to admire about her, I also know she’s been through a lot. I also know that she’s completely in love with you and you might be as well, but that doesn’t really matter because if you really loved her nothing would stop you from being her boyfriend. She’s strong and amazing, she also has her flaws but Chris I have to be frank, she’s been through a lot, she’s still going through a lot, but despite that, I won’t leave her, in fact, I want to stay by her side, and be her strength, I want to be what you had failed to be for her.”

And right there everything seems to shatter before him. 

viii.

“Do you think he’s broken?” Jisung whispers to the older rapper trying not to disturb the other older member who had been producing nonstop for the past three days. The older rapper quickly hushes Jisung before pulling him out of their leader’s room. “He hasn’t been out of your room for the past three days, he only comes out to go to the bathroom and to pick up some snacks and water from the kitchen. He hasn’t talked to any of us and hasn’t been attending practices either.” 

“Minho and I already talked to Manager Hyung, he relayed a message from PD-nim saying it would be best to leave him for the next few days and let him come to us.” Changbin sighs stressed at the responsibility that now has been given to him.

“But he hasn’t been eating! Nor sleeping! What do we do when Noona starts looking for him? When STAYs start looking for him? Huh?!" Jisung has never seen Chan like this, he had never expected him to take the news this bad. Ever since your dating news began trending because of your recent Instagram post making things official with the Australian swimmer. "I don't get it, Hyung wanted this for Noona why-" 

Jisung is interrupted with the room to Chan's door opening, both boys felt sudden chills run down their spines, a gloomy aura emanating from the figure slowly exiting the room. Both boys turned towards their leader, with his hood up, the members knew that their leader had the capability to be scary but the aura he was releasing was full out terrifying. 

“Hyung how are you?” Changbin says this slowly so as not to scare the producer back into his room. Both members get no response from their leader, as he walks past them and into the kitchen. 

“What the hell was that?” Han mouths to the older rapper, who merely shrugs not knowing what to do with their leader either. 

“I don’t know either Sung.” 

They move to the kitchen, observing their leader drag himself towards the fridge reaching for the second tub of ice cream. Han sees the other members by the doorway, frozen in shock after seeing their leader for the first time in three days. His eyes meet with Felix, tilting his head to signal the others to avoid their leader.

They tiptoe around their dorm, trying to move as quietly as possible, in the eyes of others they probably look like a bunch of hunters trying to surround their prey. Though in reality, it was the complete opposite, they were the gazelles trying to stealthily escape the predator, which also happened to be their leader.

Chan holds the ice cream, to his chest, the tense silence is broken by the loud clack of the plastic tub meeting the tiled floor. Chan drops to his knees burying his head as he starts sniffling clutching his knees to his chest curling up. The remaining members freeze as their leader drops to his knees curling up next to the refrigerator, the boys go through a series of thoughts on what to do and how to help. 

Minho moves first, picking Chan up by the armpits as he maneuvers the eldest to their couch, Changbin could only sigh as he picks up the forgotten tub of vanilla-flavored ice cream on the floor. Minho rubs at Chan’s back attempting to calm his hiccups and sniffles, Felix approaches the older leader offering a box of tissues to Hyunjin who dabs at Chan’s tear-stained cheeks. 

Jeongin from the corner moves to offer Chan a glass of water helping him sip at using a straw as Seungmin goes into the kitchen to start dinner. Changbin approaches the leader, pulling the hood down as they’re met by red puffy eyes and bags under his eyes.

“Ah Hyung, let it all out, it’s alright.” Changbin rubs at their leader’s unruly blond hair, Chan leaning into their comfort as they reassure him. It was rare to see Chan like this, they often came to let out their pent up emotions to the older members, though with Chan he rarely opened about what he felt, choosing to carry the burden on his own.

After he calms himself, Minho encourages the older boy to shower saying it would make him feel better. Minho guides Chan into the bathroom saying that he’d prepare him a new set of clothes. Once they hear the water running, Minho calls the other boys to come and help him, Seungmin, Han, and Changbin enter the room, leaving the rest of the boys to help with dinner.

Changbin starts with arranging his production equipment, making sure everything was saved he sets the laptop aside. Seungmin collects the plastic bottle, packets of food, and cup noodles, scattered around the room tossing them into the garbage bag he holds. Minho begins stripping the sheets and exchanging them for newer ones while Han pulls out a new pair of pajamas setting them aside for the eldest, they move around one another finishing it with an air freshener.

The rest of the members find themselves under Felix’s command as they prepare dinner, Jeongin sets the table as Hyunjin helps Felix by preparing the vegetables. Usually, it would be Chan cooking for the younger members making sure they eat good food rather than ordering fast food all the time. 

They eat in the living room, putting on a disney movie as they transfer their beds to the living room. Watching in silence as they provide the comfort their eldest member needed. 

ix.

It’s been a few months since you visited Korea, it bothered you how much Chan’s messages had become single worded responses ever since you visited. He rarely initiates conversations you had even asked Felix about it over facetime, he shrugged his shoulders saying that the older member was just stressed. 

Something didn’t feel right. Henry pauses seeing you distracted as you stare out the window of the restaurant, finding the scenery interesting rather than your date. “Y/n, what’s on your mind?” It worries Henry to see you like this, ever since you had opened up about your nightmares, he had been looking out for your health more often, knowing the stress that came with this career, you needed someone by your side. 

He had lost his brother to this career, and he couldn’t bear another amazing person losing themselves to the demands and pressure of this career. Which is probably why he had found himself so drawn to you, despite running in different cliques, your introverted nature fit your extroverted one perfectly.

“Nothing, it's just that Chris has been ignoring me lately.” You turn to the older male, he sees the stress pull at your features, the bags under your eyes seem much darker than usual, and he’s curious whether how much sleep you’ve been getting lately. 

Ah, Christopher. Ever since their meeting and conversation, the Australian Idol has also been constantly popping up in Henry’s thoughts, it made him wonder why you both weren’t together and how the Idol only seemed to bring you more stress.

“Maybe he’s just busy Y/n, you know him, he’s always producing and stuff.” His words do nothing to ease your furrowed brows, “We have double periods as free time before training, come sleep in my dorms, you look like you need it.” 

It concerns Henry, how much your nightmares seemed to plague your thoughts and sleep, especially as an athlete it was completely unhealthy, you’ve been losing weight over it as well. If Henry didn’t show up at your place with food, you’d probably have skin hanging off your bones. 

It makes the older male wonder whether your coach has noticed, he probably had with your times being inconsistent, it put pressure on the team more than ever with the qualifiers for the Olympics looming over your heads, it would only be a matter of time. 

The moment you enter his apartment, you make your way to his room finding comfort in the warm sheets. Henry could only smile at how you bury yourself into your sheets making yourself smaller than you already are, he sets an alarm in case he falls asleep, less the coach berates them for being late. 

It was hard enough when they announced their relationship, knowing that the team prioritizes the competition more than anything else. Luckily the coach hadn’t made it a big of a deal with both Henry and Y/n being important assets to the team.

He finds himself lying in bed next to you, scooting closer to him you breathe in his scent, it helps you sleep. He’s glad to be able to help you erase the anxieties and thoughts that plagued you at night. He had seen how it had destroyed his older brother, he could only hope and pray  that it wouldn’t lead to your demise. 

He’s happy to see your rhythmic breathing come out calmly and evenly, he wonders if you can hear how far his heart is beating, he runs his hands through your hair, massaging his fingers into your scalp. “I wish I could take all your troubles away Y/n but I’m only human.”I’d give you the world if I could.”

Henry sees you open your eyes carefully, adjusting to the light before her tired eyes meet Henry’s. “Hello, Henry.”

“Did you sleep?” He whispers into the crown of your head, continuing to massage his fingers into your scalp, finding you lean into his touch as it helps you relax.

“A bit, I’m still tired though.” 

“Sleep then-”

“Do you think about marriage, Henry?”

 Henry finds himself startled by the question, curious unto what had brought the thought into your head he asks. “I do, but why are you asking this?”

“It’s just that this was under your pillow.” You pull out the velvet box from under his pillow, he swears to himself, forgetting that he had left it on the bedside table. He had bought it for you a few months ago before you had both left for Korea he had planned to give it to you after the qualifiers for the Olympics but as he had been caught red-handed he might as well do it now.

“You can open it, it's for you.” He pushes back a strand of hair behind your ear, before he starts rubbing his thumb against your temple, to release the tensions in between your eyebrows. Your lips part in awe as you find a simple band elegantly crafted and designed with diamonds it forms a small v in the middle. 

“Don’t stress over it, it’s a promise ring. I planned to give you this once we both qualify for the Olympics, don’t worry I’m not asking you to marry me Y/n I know you love Chris too much to get yourself engaged to me.”

“What?” You look at him confused at his statement, he presses a kiss into the crown of your head. 

“This promise ring doesn’t promise yourself to me, but rather it symbolizes a promise to me that you’ll find happiness within yourself, and it doesn’t have to be me. This ring is also a promise to take care of yourself, it’s a reminder that you don’t have to carry that burden alone, that you can come to us, to me. I love you, Y/n, but I know you love Chris. I’ll be here for you, to help you find happiness and to take care of you but as your friend. We’ve had a good run, don’t you think, almost 2 years?” Henry presses a soft kiss unto her lips, he smiles understanding he continues cuddling you.

“I’m sorry, Henry.” Is all that you could say to him, he allows you to pull him closer, helping you wipe your tears. 

You both skip practice that day, telling the coach you had an emergency. That doesn’t let you off from additional laps though.

♡ ❤ ♡

“Why do you swim.” It takes you a while to realize you’re looking at yourself, the 14-year-old you, who'd had been put under so much pressure by your father, had been neglected by your mother and had been left behind by the only person in the world you had thought you trust.

Had you really been like this? The wistful flecks on your dark hues brought such a melancholic feeling within you, it made you wonder when had you become so abandoned and pessimistic. It makes you ponder, Are you still like this?

Looking around you find yourself in the same ice cream parlor you had spent most of your childhood with Chan, with the same booths, flooring, and walls. Everything seemed so real though one thing stood out to you the most, the parlor didn’t have the same pleasant warmth it once had. You find your pallidly familiar vanilla ice cream in front of you and instead of the childlike smile it brings a bitter taste to your mouth.

“Why do you swim?” She repeats it louder this time interrupting your train of thoughts, and observations. She’s almost yelling as she repeats the same phrase for a third time, this time gripping your wrist with a tight vice, she glares at you, dark and penetrating as tears begin to stain her cheeks slowly. “WHY?”

You open your mouth to answer her but you’re unable to do so, the words get caught up in your throat choking you as you gasp for air. Suddenly everything comes to a stop, your gasps for air, the clock by the counter, and even the ceiling fans and in a blink of an eye you’re sitting again in the same booth but the younger version of you is gone.

You’re alone in the parlor until you hear the wind chimes by the entrance twinkling signaling a customer. You’re familiar with this one, his dimpled and charming smile, innocent yet passionate eyes, his dark curls and if you observe him closely you can see light freckles spread across his cheekbones. You find in awe unconsciously parting your lips in a gasp as his younger self takes a seat in front of you. 

He throws you a lopsided grin at you, his dimple prominent. “I’m late, aren’t I? I guess I’ll be buying ice cream.” You move before you even realize you're holding his wrist, he looks back at you tilting his head in concern. “Are you alright (Y/n)?” Blinking his voice is laced with endearment. 

Even you’re startled at yourself at how you had reacted. “Uh, yeah, sorry but I already have ice cream.” sheepishly gesturing to the cup of vanilla on the table, his lips are making an “O” in realization, not having seen the cup next to you. 

“Ah you’re right, well, I’ll be saving my money then.” Softly releasing your grip on his wrist, the 14-year-old Chan takes a seat in front of you, still dressed in your school's uniform making you realize he had probably come from his advanced math classes.

While you trained daily for swimming, Chan would do it every other day, alternating between his music and his advanced classes, if he weren’t training he would meet up with you here in this parlor to study. Shouldn’t you have realized by then, that your paths were meant to separate later on?

“Can I hug you?” You ask the younger boy, the question seems to startle him, but nonetheless he circles the booth taking a seat next to you, opening up his arms to accommodate you. You seek his warmth, you turn towards the glass that kept the various flavors of ice cream. And you see both your reflections, his smaller and younger persona hugging your bigger and older form. It made you smile, how adorable you both looked. 

“Do you still swim, (Y/n)?” His voice whispers into your shoulder, at this you can only nod, still not having the ability to speak. “You’re going to be a great swimmer Y/n, you’re going to be amazing.” His voice suddenly deepens, much more masculine and older. You see the older version of him, the current him, same prominent right dimple, same curls and light freckles. Though his eyes are different, the childlike innocence and mirth had been replaced with mature and observant hues.

“Chris, I’m tired.” You hear yourself say, the older man only tightens his grip around you and buries his head into your shoulder.  Everything is calm as it should be, you can hear his steady heartbeat, the rhythmic pitter-patter of his heart reassures you, following the steady rise and fall of his chest it creates a serene peacefulness in your mind, and you’re grateful for it even it’s just for a minute.

A flash blinds you as the media surrounds you, different questions are thrown at you, it ranges from your relationship to your father, and then they begin asking about your times. Will you be ranking gold today? Will you break  another record? You find yourself running, not caring where you’re going until you find yourself on top of the starting block.

“Miss L/n! The great prodigy!”

“You were brought into the world for this (Y/n)!” You hear your father’s voice

“You’ll be the greatest swimmer known (Y/N)!” You hear Chan.

“Swim for us!”

“You can’t let that talent go to waste, my dear.” 

“We were born for different things (Y/n), I hope you understand.” 

Different reporters shove their microphones, recorders, and cameras toward you, drowning you with their questions, blinding you with the flashes, it’s suffocating dangerously so. Terror fills your eyes as you feel yourself losing your balance from trying to avoid them.

The air whips at you as you’re falling you try to look for something, anything to stop you from falling. You scream for help, crying out, feeling your stomach drop the faster gravity brings you down and suddenly you’re thrown into a freezing bottomless pit, your limbs are heavy as you try to resurface but to your horror, something latches onto you pulling you down. You’re screaming again wailing as dread fills the pit of your stomach, choking as water enters your lungs, you’re choking, gasping for air. 

You jerk up, clutching the sheets tightly, breathing heavily. Grimacing you find yourself sweaty, you turn towards the alarm clock on the bedside table, in bright red it reads 3:35. You leave the comfort of your bed, dashing towards the bathroom as you feel the nausea claw at your throat, you hurl yourself toward the toilet just in time your stomach contracts to vomit the remnants of your meal from the previous day. Heaving until only a clear liquid was left, your throat felt sore with all that stomach acid you felt disgusting. 

Pushing yourself up you rise to flush down your vomit, turning away to avoid inhaling the acidic stench. You gargle some water and brush your teeth before you push yourself into the shower stall. Sinking into your knees as you cried under the comfort of the rain shower.

♡ ❤ ♡

You feel just a tad bit better after your shower, that doesn’t eliminate the thoughts in your head though. Gosh, why did this just have to happen on the day of qualifiers. It’s been two months or so ever since Henry had broken up with you, and it's funny how the media hadn’t picked up on it, well neither has the team since you both spent so much time together even as you continued as friends.

You’re looking at the simple band on your finger when a knock interrupts your train of thoughts. You open the door to see Henry, holding two fruit cups and his gym bag, “Today’s the day!” He observes you as you let him in, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tries to decipher your muddled thoughts. “Did you sleep?”

“A bit.”

Unsatisfied by your response, “Here.” He hands you the fruit cup in your direction, knowing that you don’t eat that much for breakfast, he at least tries to get something in your system especially for a big competition like this, less he has you fainting in the middle of it. “Eat up, you need that.”

Your phone pings, and you see a message from Felix, but none from Chris.

Lix

Good luck Noona! The boys say hello as well! Fighting~!

Henry watches you through spoonfuls of watermelons and strawberries, trying to take a peek at who could possibly be texting you. “Felix, the other Australian in the group right? I swear that his voice of his does not fit his features.” Henry munches on his fruits frowning as he realizes you’re not eating. “Hey, eat.”

You humm in response pushing away at his hand holding up a spoonful of fruits to your lips. “I will just later.”

“Oi, your laters always become never so don’t you try that on me, eat.” You allow him to feed you the spoonful of fruits knowing that if you don’t allow him to take care of you he’d only continue his rant and you’re really not in the mood to argue with him.

Out of all the days, your dreams could bother you, why did it have to be now.

♡ ❤ ♡

Before you know it you’re in the locker rooms, you find yourself shaking, you can feel the nausea clawing up your throat again, despite the fact that you had vomited again for the second time that day just a little bit before you entered the locker rooms.

You find yourself looking at the ring Henry had given you, a promise to take care of yourself, you’re not doing so good on that promise though. When was the last time you had a decent conversation with Chan, you both had been so busy, that Felix could only leave you short texts a few times a week.

You push down your thoughts trying to focus on the competition. This was the qualifiers for goodness sake, your future, your country’s future was depending on this. You’re called to enter the venue, hurriedly you take your necklace and ring putting them into a container tugging on your jacket as you speed walk towards the pool.

Your eyes adjust to the bright lights of the indoor pool, blinking it out as you step into the starting block, this view, it’s nothing new, but why does it feel so different? You’re putting on your goggles and swimming cap barely having enough time to react as you're told to take your positions, you feel the vile clawing at the back of your throat, forcing yourself to push it down. God it’s so loud.

You feel your body move to recognize the beep that signals the start of the race. Diving into the cool waters, your body resurfaces to start the first style of the individual medley. You’re propelling your body up, you can hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears. Your body feels completely out of sync, your limbs feel heavy like lead suddenly you’re reminded by the icy like vines dragging you down.

You feel yourself struggle against the current caused by the other swimmers, your vision darkens with lack of oxygen as you feel yourself struggle to breathe. And before you even realize, you feel your bare feet touch the tiled floor of the pool. Tears are pooling at your eyes as you hang your head in shame, you hear the crowd begin to whisper in shock at your actions. And you know exactly what they’re saying. 

You’ve been disqualified.

You’re dashing towards the bathroom again, that nauseous feeling now evident more than ever, finding the nearest toilet, you heave. Your stomach contracts violently again and again, forcing the contents of your stomach up until there is nothing left, sinking into your knees you feel weak and tired. Your vision darkens once more, your consciousness fading in and out, you feel drained with everything fading into black.

♡ ❤ ♡

“Hello, is this Christopher Bang? You’re registered as one of miss Y/n L/n ‘s emergency contacts, we’d like to inform you that she’s currently hospitalized under our care. She fainted after vomiting quite a bit, we’re running a few tests for now but once she’s hydrated you can take her home.” The rest of the nurse’s words fly over his head, it seems as if his heart had gained a few pounds at how heavy it seemed all of a sudden, with fear gripping his throat at what could have happened to you.

“Hyung, noona got disqualified at the qualifiers.” Felix tugs at his shirt, showing him his phone, which had the picture of you standing in the middle of the pool as the other competitors continue swimming around you.

Chan can feel his heart drop to the pit of his stomach in shock at seeing the news of your disqualification. Questions begin to bother him, wondering why you had done that, why you stopped in the middle of a competition, and especially during the qualifiers.

“I gotta go.”

Luckily their manager asks no question once the leader mentions it's an emergency, anxious, he bounces his leg in worry, as his manager drives him as fast as possible towards the hospital’s address. His manager is barely at the entrance before the idol is running towards the information booth asking for your room number. 

He’s dodging past patients and doctors as he scrambles towards the staircase, knowing that the elevator would take too long, once he’s in front of your room, he’s panting in exhaustion. But to his dismay he finds a nurse in it, cleaning up a few things she’s shocked at the sight of the idol before she tells him you’re in the playground.

It’s odd to find the playground open at this hour. It’s a tad bit after five in the afternoon, the sun has begun to set. He sees you sitting by the swing in a hospital gown, approaching your figure, the cup of vanilla-flavored ice cream you’re playing with catches his eyes.

He kneels before you, meeting your downcast eyes, your once luminous eyes are replaced with watery red-rimmed eyes. He feels his heartbreak at the sight of your trembling figure, taking your hands into his he realizes how cold they are. 

He’s at a loss of words, he finds himself unable to reassure you, comfort you, or say anything at all. His eyes scan your face, noticing how your features have become sunken, with your cheekbones more prominent along with the dark bags under your eyes. You’ve lost weight.

“It started a little bit after that issue with that one reporter.” You begin answering the questions of how it had started. “After he had asked me whether me dating Henry would affect my swimming, the nightmares soon followed, then I kept getting scolded during training, at first I thought it was just a slump, but I kept getting stuck. I heard all these expectations asking if I’d be breaking a new record, will I be topping the rankings again, will I be getting gold? All these questions I couldn’t even answer myself. Then the nightmares worsened, and I couldn’t sleep, the nightmares would bother me so much. All these expectations of me, it began to tire me out, I couldn’t even hold a consistent record.” Chan allows you to pour out your pent up frustrations knowing you had probably kept these to yourself over the past few months.

“I plan to take a break.” You’re looking towards the sunset, admiring the different hues of pink and orange in the sky. Such a beautiful sight contrasting the tragic situation you had managed to place yourself in. “I want to travel a bit, leave behind everything, clear up my mind.” The vanilla-flavored ice cream’s melting, but you make no move to eat it, watching it change from its solid phase to liquid, you stir the sticky mixture.

“I’ll come with you, I’m sure I can talk to the company-”

“Chris, you’ve come this far for your dream. I can’t have you throw away everything you’ve worked hard for, you can’t leave the boys, you’d put the team at a disadvantage. You would not only be throwing away your future, but theirs as well.” You press your palms into his cheeks, thumb tracing where his dimple would be. “I want to do this on my own, I made a promise to someone that I’d find my own happiness, and I want to find happiness within myself. I’ll be fine Chris.”

The older boy feels the metal band dig into his cheeks. “Are you engaged to Henry?” The question brings giggles to your tear-stained cheeks, finding it funny that despite your speech, he still had half the mind to ask you about Henry.

“No you dummy, we broke up months ago. I also found out about that little conversation you had with him. This is a promise ring. He wanted me to find happiness with you, but I can’t be dependent on you, I want to heal on my own before I want to try a relationship with you. So this is another goodbye for us.” Chan hadn’t even realized he’d been crying till you’re wiping his tears. “Plus it’s you who had always told me that if we were meant to be fate will find a way for us.” 

“Will you come back?” 

“I won’t make any promises but time will tell. So no more promises between us, Chris.” You’re tilting his head, to press your lips into his soft ones, with your hand by his nape you play with the soft tufts of hair that pokes out of the cap he wears. Chan remembers you tasting as sweet as the vanilla-flavored ice cream that sits by the corner, melting under the warm rays of the sun that sets behind you both.

x.

What would you say to someone you’ve missed again again, when you see them after the many years that you’ve repeatedly let them go. Would you say I love you? Hello? Would you act nonchalant, or would you welcome them with a tight hug.

It’s been a year since he’s last seen you. He finds himself in a nearby ice cream parlor to fight off his writing block, knowing that staying cooped up in the studio would only leave him flustered and unable to produce. He’s also taking a break from how loud his members could get, so he left anything work-related taking a breather.

The year had surprisingly passed on quickly, the media had died down with you traveling across the globe, it makes Chan wonder how are you, what you’re thinking about what you’re doing. 

All news of your breakdown had been taken down, even the late news of your break up with Henry, any sightings of you had been quickly erased, it makes Chan wonder whether your father had a hand in this, knowing that your stepmother was quite influential with the media. 

The wind chimes by the door twinkle with the entrance of a new customer. “Can I get two scoops of vanilla please.” Chan looks up from his phone at hearing the accented Korean. He sees you by the counter dressed in a summer dress perfect for the sunny weather, he sees the bounce and confidence in your steps he hadn’t even realized you had lost. 

Time seems to still as the idol struggles to comprehend its you, the person he had lost time and time again. Not some picture on his phone, nor are you the figment of imagination he uses when he makes his music, it’s actually you. 

He sees your lips part in a silent gasp almost dropping the cup of ice cream in shock. Chan struggles to formulate a thought in the languages he’s fluent in, he could only sigh as he finds himself within your embrace and suddenly everything falls into place. 

After you had left him to travel, Chan had sworn that if he met you again, he would make things right. Fate had tested you both again and again, and maybe this was her sign for you both.  No more wasting time, no more regrets.

[bthump]

I am curious why you don't like het pairings across the board since I ship both het and same sex pairings . I understand LGBTQ+ peoples' desire to see themselves represented in media , but I think that when it comes to fandom people tend to fetish same sex pairings especially mlm pairings and bashing female characters that get in the way of their ship.

I’ve done my fair share of navel gazing about why I hate 99.9% of het in media since I was a teen and I could write a long list of reasons that probably influence my preferences, like gender essentialism, the vast vast vast majority of creators being men influencing how they write women + het relationships in ways that offend me, the fact that it’s the default and my interests are often influenced by spite, the rote way it’s usually written, i hate 99% of the tropes that are usually associated with it, the fact that irl I have 0 interest in engaging in a hetero relationship myself and therefore can’t relate...

but yeah ultimately I don’t know or care or think it matters lol, the vast majority of het ships just do not spark joy for me.

And now, The Discourse, which I would love to put under a cut but apparently that’s just not in the cards right now, thanks tumblr.

please don’t reblog I guess?

I just like, disagree with the rest of your ask lol, sorry. And I know this is a very standard take in fandom so I’ll try to explain why I disagree. I appreciate you asking politely Anon and I’m hoping this doesn’t come across as too annoyed or anything - like I’m annoyed by the discourse in general lol, not by you specifically.

In my experience in online fandom the most female character bashing I’ve seen, and the most vicious, has come from fans of rival het ships, and regardless I don’t particularly consider “bashing” fictional characters to be much of an issue. The problem is when people do so in offensive ways (eg “she’s a slut” or w/e lol), and then the issue is people believing and saying offensive shit, not people hating fictional characters, and the focus should be on general awareness of what misogyny (among other oppressions) is and how to avoid perpetuating it in all areas of life, and not on declaring groups of fans problematic depending on which fictional characters they do or don’t like.

And sure, some majority m/m fans do bash female characters, and some do it in offensive ways, but I don’t think it’s at a rate higher than other het fans, or even f/f fans in the few fandoms with rival f/f ships ime, so it bugs me that people act like it’s an m/m fangirl thing.

I also think fandom discourse wildly misuses the term “fetishizing.” Fetishizing, in yk oppressor/oppressed contexts, means to reduce someone down to a single aspect of their being in a way that dehumanizes them. And like 99% of fanfic does the opposite, shipping is all about being invested in and exploring characters as people (or trying to, bc lbr it’s amateur fiction and writing fully fleshed out 3 dimensional people is a skill that amateurs can’t necessarily be expected to have perfected, which is a big reason discourse focusing so hard on problematic fanfiction is a waste of time lol). Someone who isn’t a gay/bi man getting turned on by imagining 2 dudes fucking and writing a story about it isn’t automatically fetishizatizing gay men, even if it’s a straight woman doing it, even if it’s 2k words of sex written to turn readers on.

Fetishization doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sex - it can, but it can also be sexless. For instance, a gay character showing up in one episode of a sitcom to make limp wrist jokes, or a gay character showing up in one episode of a drama to die of aids and make you sad, is fetishization. Conversely a pwp about say Guts and Griffith fucking after a battle or something is almost guaranteed to have more care and consideration for the emotions involved and characterization, because the people who are inclined to write that are already invested in the characters as characters rather than generic gay stereotypes.

Fic writers can write offensive/homophobic/fetishizing things just like anyone else can (and having het ships as well as gay ships doesn’t make someone less likely to write homophobic things either), but the way fandom discourse reduces everything to wide generalities is less than useless imo, the key is to address actual specific behaviours, like the aformentioned “I hate X female character” vs “X female character is a slut who doesn’t deserve Y.” The former is a non-issue, the latter is a symptom of ingrained misogynistic attitudes.

Anyway ultimately I think fanfic is like, the least useful thing for media oriented discourse and activism to focus on for various reasons including the lack of reach and impact fic has, the lack of systemic quality control, the fact that fic writers aren’t pros and aren’t getting paid, the fact that fic writers aren’t pros and shouldn’t be expected to have the talent required to convey difficult subjects in completely inoffensive ways even if their personal politics are beyond reproach - because it does take straight up writing skill as well as understanding, the fact that fic writers have no industry power or influence, the fact that the vast majority of fic writers are marginalized in some way themselves (and misogyny against real women should always take precedence over misogyny against fictional women), the fact that many are just teenagers, etc

tl;dr I don’t think women preferring to ship m/m is inherently problematic, and I don’t think the current state of online discourse is equipped to even address the cases when it can be problematic lol because nuance is virtually impossible in unmoderated spaces where reblogging/tweeting divorces something from context and twitter posts and tumblr asks have a character limit and vague non-specific hot takes always get more clout and notes than carefully considered nuanced discussions and essays - and amateur unpublished writing is so unimpactful in the grand scheme of things that it barely matters anyway.

[elejah-verse]

Game Of Love/4

Fanfiction

Part 4

Joel Goran x reader

Ft. Klaroline and other TVD/TO characters, as well as Saving Hope characters. 

a/n: this is, as my friend @rissyrapp20 said - Joel Goran meets the Mystic Falls/NOLA gang. But it is totally AU- Klaus Mikaelson is a surgeon, and so Y/N and Caroline Forbes. 

There is a lot of drama- quite a lot going on. LOL. Also, this is an extra long part. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks so much for reading and liking, and reblogging. Luv ya, guys. xoxo

Masterlist 

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @arivalappears @cassienoble2000 @captainshurley @elejahforever @hides2000 @goddessofthunder112

____

"So, he kissed you on the cheek??"- Caroline said astonished-"in front of everyone? Just like that?"

"Well, yeah. Just like that."- Y/N replied.

"Well, you and him are now No.1 on the Hospital’s gossip list. They saw you take him by the hand the other night, and now he kissed you on the cheek- Jo has already painted you black. With Alex, especially."

"And - nothing is going on with me and him."- Y/N said sighing and added-"yeah, I heard about Jo telling Alex about me and Kai, probably about Stefan as well. And Alex kind of talked to me about - well, it was more like telling me that he would break my heart, because Joel doesn't know how to love."

"Right."- Caroline slipped.

"I tried to find him later. But he left for New Zealand because he had some vacation time."- Y/N said.

"So, what now? I mean- are you in a friend zone now? What?"

"It can't be anything. He is emotionally wrecked."- Y/N said-"and I - can't get into anything with him till he - HUH- this was doomed from the beginning. I just had a one night stand with him- and now-"

"Now, you are in love with him."- Caroline stated.

"And now I am in love with him!"- Y/N said huffing and puffing. She then turned the tables on her sister and said-"if we are no1 on gossip list, you and Klaus are no2."

"I know."- Caroline said and continued-"last night, Rayna and I met Rebekah in Rousseau's. She called me a slutty bitch and a homewrecker. And I called her the same back, bringing Damon up. Sorry. I just- couldn't control myself. She so ticks me off."

"I know. She is always so high and mighty."- Y/N said-"but- what is it really now with you and Klaus?"

Caroline sighed a little now flashing back at her and Klaus' little  after-birthday-party hook up in the Grill's storage room.

Flashback

Straightening her dress now, Caroline looked at Klaus, who zipped his jeans and put his T-shirt back on. He looked back at her with a sweet smirk on.

"Oh, we have to stop this."- Caroline said ruffling her hair.

"Why?"- Klaus now neared her again, and placed a sweet little kiss, brushing his hands through her hair, adding-"you are so beautiful and sexy."

Caroline gulped now trying to keep her head straight-

"Because of you- and you being married and I just- don't want this to be about sex. And I get that you are getting out of something long-term and - I don't want to push you into anything. There is work and your ex-wife, and I just- I am drawing the line here!"

Before Klaus could say anything, Caroline snaked out of his arms and walked out.

"Have you talked to him afterwards?"- Y/N asked.

"Yeah."- Caroline replied- now retelling her friend  the  conversation she and the Attending had at a break in the hospital the following day-

Flashback

Klaus found Caroline sitting  in the little atrium of the hospital.

"May I?"- Klaus asked if he could sit at the bench next to her.

"Sure."- Caroline said shortly.

"About yesterday"- Klaus started-

"Hey- we don't have to."

"Yes, but still- I need to say this though. I want you to know that  I really think that you are so beautiful, sexy and smart. I hope I didn't make you feel like I used you. It was never my intention"

"You didn't."- she cut in-" I had fun, too. It's ok, really."

Klaus looked down and then at her-

"I am really sorry can't give you more."

"As I said -it's ok. I have patients to see."

Caroline then got up and walked away.

"He can't give me more, which I totally understand, and- it's not like we've been together or something.  How could I be so head over heels, and I've just known him like five minutes."- Caroline sighed 

"It happens. Comes out of nowhere and just kicks you right in the heart."- Y/N said, thinking of Joel.

¤

At the same time 

At  Rousseau's

Klaus was out with a newly made friends, Vincent Griffith and Alaric Saltzman.

Oliver Queen now walked in, and Alaric shouted a warm greeting at his friend from Med school.

"Hey, you made it!!"- both men now gave each other a welcoming pat on the shoulder.

 "Gentleman, let me introduce my buddy- Dr Oliver Queen."- Alaric said-”This is Klaus Mikaelson and Vince, I told you about him.”

"You are replacing Alex, when she goes for maternity leave? But that's like months away?"- Vincent said as he shook Oliver’s hand.

"Yes."- Oliver said-"but the Fells wanted me to start now. And I had nothing better to do with my life."

"You are telling me New York got really boring?"- Klaus then said taking a swag of beer.

"A change of scenery is always good."- Oliver replied.

Klaus smirked a little and then said-"You are right there."

"This Hospital is the Top Gun in the medical teaching hospitals, and I really wanted to see if you are really the best of the best. And teach the best of the best."- Oliver then said.

They got him a beer now and Klaus, together with Vincent said-

"Welcome."

¤¤¤¤

In the Mikaelson Mansion

Esther entered the study, where Mikael already waited for her.

"What is it?"- Esther asked coldly.

"I have decided that I will tell him the truth."

"Now, after alk this time?"- Esther said-"Why?"

"Because- his girlfriend is pregnant, and I want my grandchild to be part of this family. I can't bear it - not to know him or her- I just- it is not right."- Mikael said.

"Right?"- Esther said taking a moment's thought-"Mary decided that she was not going to tell him, and we all agreed that will keep it that way."

"But that- all of that doesn't matter anymore, does it? Mary is gone. And Joel is a grown man now. He - will understand. We all made mistakes. He, himself has done plenty."

"Yes, we've all made mistakes, and look how many lives got messed up over it."- Esther reminded Mikael of the consequences his and Mary's affair had on their lives.

"I know. I regret it deeply. And I wish, I could turn back time, but I can't. But let's make it right somehow."- Mikael said.

"How can we make it right after so many years. It could be much worse. Did she ever tell her husband about Joel not being his son?"

"No. As far as I know."- Mikael said.

"There you go. That man raised him as his own, and now you would take the only family his got away from him."- Esther then said.

"What are you talking about? The man left them when he was 7 and went to New Zealand. And if Mary hadn't died, Joel would never really know him - "

"You kept on seeing one another afterwards, didn't you?"- Esther now said angered.

"I have not."- Mikaels said.

"I don't believe you."- Esther shot at her husband.

"I swear on our children's lives!"- Mikael then said.

"Don't you dare use them."

"I swear, Esther."-Mikael insisted.

"Whatever."- Esther said-"I - you need to know that this will bring shock waves throughout the family. Just think about it."

Esther then left the study. Mikael was left thinking about all, especially the past.

Flashback

38 years ago

"I am pregnant."- Mary Goran said to Mikael as she met him in the Grill, a couple of months after she broke it off with him.

Mikael smiled taking hold of the woman's hand warmly- "Oh, this is so- wonderful."

"Is it?"- Mary said-"I don't know. I- don't know what to do."

"I love you, Mary. And I am ready to do anything. "

"How can you say this? You have a two- year old son. Your family needs you. This not right, whatever we feel. It just is not. I don't know why I have even called you."

"Because you love me, and I love you. And, I know that I have a young family and- oh, I wish I have met you before."

"I wish so many things- and- oh, I am sorry that I- came here."

Mary now started crying. She was completely overwhelmed with the situation.

"We will figure something out."- Mikael tried to comfort her.

Mary abruptly pulled herself together, and walked out of the diner.

Mikael was an emotional wreck after having found out about Mary being pregnant with his child. And he had a family, a wife, he had married, so two families could become even bigger. His father-in-law, who was Virginia stat senator at the time, made sure that Mary stayed with her husband, and Mikael never divorced Esther.

¤¤¤

A few days later

Y/N's day started in the ER, and a colleague now confronting her about the Joel gossip.

"There was a bet on which intern Joel will sleep with first."

Y/N looked at her fellow intern furiously-

"What??? This is disgusting!"

"I know. It's totally lame."- Sam said.

"Who was it?"- Y/N now demanded to know.

"Y/N, I know it is completely out of order. But-"

"I want to know."- Y/N was not letting it go.

"I didn't want to stir shit."- Sam tried to calm Y/N down.

"Tell me!"- Y/N sifted anger making her chestnut eyes darken.

"Brad."- Sam now said.

"Right."- Y/N said and they both now went to take care of the patients, but as she had a break, Y/N went to find the young resident. And confronted him about it in front of the whole cafeteria.

She got some dollar bills out and said-

"How much is a bet it for an ass of the year?

The young resident looked at her astonished but it was clear that she had found out about the bet on Joel and the female interns. He started muttering something but Y/N just continued-

"Joel is flawed on so many levels, yes. He made huge mistakes.But unlike you, he is a good and warm person, and you are a sorry excuse for a human being!"

The whole cafeteria now applauded her. She now turned around and walked out of the place. 

🎃 That night, at home, as she went through a few case studies, Y/N made herself some cocoa and sat down on the bay window. Now there was again this one person on her mind, wondering how he was doing. No matter how much she tried not to feel anything more than just friendship towards Joel, her heart didn’t seem to want to listen to her. She looked out in the night, drawing a deep breath and then went back to the case studied.

A few days later

Caroline was saying bye to Y/N,  as she pulled a night shift and Elena just got in the hospital and already had her hands full with a presentation she was given to work on. And as she was waving Caroline off, her eyes now caught a smiling Rock Star of Orthopaedics. 

"Hey"- Joel greeted Elena and Caroline as he came up to them.

Caroline greeted him back and excused herself and left them to catch up.

"Hey"- Y/N said with a little mental gulp-"so, how was New Zealand?"

"Good. Actually really good."- Joel said-"sorry- I just left. After I talked to the Chief of staff, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I needed to - just go. Change the scenery, you know, after everything that -"

"Yeah, I do."- Y/N said and then there was a moment when they both went quiet and Y/N now tried to find to ask something more, and as she wanted to ask how his father was, Joel got a small box out of his bag handing it clumsily to her saying-

"Here. A happy belated - something."

"Oh"- Y/N exclaimed surprised. She opened it and it was a very unusual pendant she had seen.

"This is koru. It's Maori.”-Joel explained clumsily-”Symbolizes awakening, fresh beginnings, rebirth. It's kind of what you did for me the other night. And so I- well- "

Y/N looked at him with a small smile curling up on her lips and slipped quite an emotional thank you. Now the kiss on the cheek made sense. It was a thank you. He could see that she was really moved by the gift.

"In the last couple of days- and - well already on the plane-  I had so much time to think. About everything."- Joel now said-"and - well- "- he was suddenly terribly nervous again. He smiled somewhat nervously and said -"Later? Drink? Rousseau's?"

"Yes. See you there."- Y/N said.

"Ok."- Joel said. 

Y/N looked at the pendant and her heart and head were now more than ever in total confusion, but Joel's wasn't far behind either. He was nervous. He had never been nervous before. Something happened. Could he be in love with her? He just knew that she didn't leave his mind, all the time he was away. 

“Around 8?”- Y/N said .

“Yeah.”- Joel said and now gestured towards the elevator.

Y/N nodded and both then went to whatever was next on the agenda for the day.

¤

As Y/N called Caroline later to tell her that she kind of has this non-date thing, the blonde went now all in what-are-you-going-to-wear, what-will-do-with-your-hair, and Y/N answered simply that she had no plans to dress up.

“It’s only a drink. There is nothing to it, really”

“Nothing? Are you serious? He bought you jewellery!”- Caroline said with a duh voice.

“It’s a thank you thing”- Y/N said-”for being there and listening to him- and that is all”

“Right - tell yourself that. Do what you want.Ok. I’m going back to sleep cuz that double shift killed me.”- Caroline said yawning and hung up.

Y/N went off to her locker, to change. As they never knew how long they would stay in the hospital, she always had a couple of T-shirts and sweaters ready, as well as a pair of jeans. Casual was her style since - well, always. Now, having changed, she put her boots on and leather jacket on. She didn’t bother about the hair at all. She simply undid the pun and combed it a bit. This was not really a date, and she was not Cinderella. Just an intern. And she was meeting a friend for a drink. 

Since, there was still more than an hour till Joel finished his shift, Y/N called Bonnie and met up with her. Since Caroline was not available to listen to her analysing every detail of her heart, Bonnie was her other bestie, who never minded being there for her. Bonnie had a lot to discuss as well, as the night of the birthday lip sync birthday thing, the chemist also went down the line as he friends and hooked up with Kol Mikaelson.

But she now let Y/N talk first.

"Is this a gift wrapped up as a thank you or am I imagining something more? Look, how beautiful it is."- Y/N showed her friend Joel's gift and the meaning behind it.

"I think a thank you and something more is wrapped in it."- Bonnie said.

"You think? I don't know why I am going mad here over it? I can't start anything with him."

"You think he wants to start something?"- Bonnie questioned.

"Knowing him, not really. And then it will be a kind of a rebound thing, although it is not really that."- Y/N said sighing a bit.

"You are overanalyzing everything. Which something you totally do, and then don't listen to your head."- Bonnie reminded Y/N of her past mistakes.

"Caroline said that I am doing again the same thing I did with Kai."- Y/N said.

"Believing that you can change him because you loved him?!"- Bonnie stated.

"Yeah. Huh- but it feels like- it isn't so- like - I didn't know."

"He needs to want to change and break away from his past behaviour."- Bonnie said.

"I think that this thing with this guy dying shook him to the ground."- Y/N said.

"This is some life changing moment."- Bonnie said.

"He said that he felt like he died, like something broke inside of him."- Y/N remembered her and Joel's conversation the night before he left for New Zealand.

"What about Alex and him? There is also the kid."- Bonnie reminded Y/N.

Y/N now told her friends that Alex had talked to her, as the surgeon had presumed that Joel and Y/N had already started something.

"Can things be even more complicated?"- Elena said-"You know what is mad actually? He might not want to be anything but friends, which I totally get. The last thing he needs is a new relationship. I need to let this go."

"Yeah, you need to let this go."- Bonnie said.

Elena nodded, and her heart tried so hard to dismiss the idea that Joel may not have feelings for her.

"But you won't be able to let this go?"- Bonnie then said as she saw her friend play with the pendant all huffed up.

"Why does it have to be so complicated? I always fall for the wrong guy!"

"What you need to do is actually find out how he feels. And if he doesn't feel like you feel, or anything remotely, then you will have to let this go."- Bonnie said and with that their conversation ended as Joel now walked in the bar.

Bonnie, who was usually a very subtle person, this time did the opposite. As Joel got to the table they were sitting at, she greeted him and then made an excuse that she had to go.

"I hope it is not because of me."- Joel said.

"No. She was like leaving the last half hour, but I just kept her talking about - the upcoming charity thing she is busy with."- Y/N fibbed a little.

"Right. You want the same?"- he now asked about the drink.

"I am fine. I am kind of hungry, one more cocktail would completely knock me out."

"Well, do you want to go and grab something? I am kind of hungry, too."- Joel said.

"Yeah- cuz it’s been a long day. You know Sophie's Food Heaven?"- Y/N asked.

"Of course."- Joel said-"comfort food 100%. Whenever I eat there, I have to go to the gym straight after."

"So true. Caroline and I went there the other day and we were so full that we thought we wouldn't need to eat the next two days."- Y/N said grabbing her bag now-"so you go there a lot?"

"It's a place I used to go with my mom, especially when she would do long shifts at the hospital."- Joel said.

"Hospital?"- Y/N was puzzled.

"Didn't I tell you that she was a nurse?"

"No. But it makes perfect sense. Did she meet your dad there?"- Y/N asked.

"No. They met at the Whitmore Medical School. They both were teaching there at the time. He was working at the Charlottesville Memorial."- Joel explained and then said-"Your car? My car?"

"Ahm- I'll go with mine. Meet you there."- Y/N said.

"Ok."- Joel said and then went to his car.

¤

Elsewhere

Mikaelson Mansion

Klaus went to his parent's house to meet up with Camille, to try and talk to her about the divorce settlement.

"I don't want a divorce. I stopped the proceedings."- Camille said-"I want us to go to marriage counseling. I want to save our marriage."

Klaus shook with his head in negation.

"Why?"- she continued-"Why would you not try? We loved each other. We - both made a mistake. We just fell in a rut and - then things happened. You slept with her and then I slept with Marcel, just to get back at you. But I didn't stop loving you. We can find the way out of this."

"Yes. There is a way out of this and -"- Klaus stopped there for a second looking at his wife. She was a dear, sweet woman. Loving. And he hated hurting her. He hated the whole situation, but he had to now say it.

"I- don't love you anymore. I am so sorry- but it is- the truth. I should have told you that already in New Orleans, and save you from all this -"

Before he could finish the sentence, Camille slapped him.

Whether the slap was justified or not, Camille was at the end with her nerves and the last words provocated her now shouting at him to get out.

Klaus made a little sigh and walked out of the room, stumbling on his sister Freya as he walked down the long corridor.

"Klaus?"- Freya ran after her brother.

He ignored her and now, as he got out of the Mansion got into his car, put his foot on the accelerator, driving off like a lightning.

😍

In Sophie's Food Heaven Diner

Sophie Deveraux, who knew Joel since he was a kid, watched Joel and Y/N for a little while as they were chatting away quite happy and relaxed. Very rarely did she see him with a woman there. The waiter got the desert and as he walked to their table, Sophie now went with him.

"Hi. I hope the steak was good."- Sophie said.

"Perfect."- Joel said.

"Absolutely great."- Y/N complimented the Chef.

"She is the Chef/owner. Sophie Deveraux."- Joel said introducing her to Y/N.

"Nice to meet you."- Y/N said.

"Nice to meet you, too."- Sophie said-"so good to finally meet Joel's girlfriend."

"I am- we are not-"- Y/N said.

Joel was like what the heck Soph. And knowing how straight forward she was she now said-

"You could have fooled me. This dinner is on the house. Enjoy."

"What?"- Y/Na was beyond surprised.

"We go way back."- Joel said and explained that he knew Sophie when they were kids- and now told Y/N something that kind of made him somewhat blush-

"She was the first girl I kissed and - yeah. And she just has this thing- I am allowed to  comment."

"And a free meal."- Y/N said-"so you are friends with a girl."

"Ha?"- Joel looked at Y/N a bit gone out.

"Ah, sorry. It was just- ok, I heard you say that you don't believe that man and women can be friends.Sorry."

"Well, it is something I said- and something- I so regret saying - I am really pathetic, aren’t I? So lame. I've said and done so many stupid things. "

"Hey. I didn't want to make you feel bad."

"You didn't."- Joel said-"I went and talked to a friend of mine, also from my childhood. She is Maori. She is a doctor, but a spiritual woman too. We talked about stuff and - you know- Selina's husband -and everything that had happened recently "

"Joel-”- Y/N said in a dear manner.

"I am not religious. I am a surgeon, and I know how the body works. She talked about the soul and that I have to connect with it again. Get to my wairua. She said also that I don't believe in love. That I don't know how to be loved, and give love, and that I-  But that I will know it only then when I find my soul. Huh. Here we are with that stuff - again."- Joel now sighed-”I so didn’t want this evening to be like a therapy session.”

"It's ok. It’ s good to talk ”- Y/N reassured the dishy surgeon.

"Thank you, but I - don't want to think that I am - using you as a shoulder to- cry on. Because this is the last thing that I want."

"It's ok to talk. You are not weak if you have to talk about heavy stuff. It's human."- Y/N said.

Joel smiled a little now and added- "Did someone ever tell you that you have that kind of bold bossy thing - in your eyes-"

"Yeah."- Y/N said chuckling a bit-"since I was born. Although Caroline is far bossier and more ambitious. She was twice elected as the President of the class."

“Oh, I can imagine. They way she is, soon she will take over as Chief of staff before she gets to be Resident.”- Joel said remembering the way Caroline sorted a situation out among her fellow interns and Residents.

“Well, you would not believe that once upon a time she was a really shy and insecure girl”

“I can’t see that.”- Joel said and now took a scoop of the apple pie and ice- cream.

The conversation now swayed to the her and Caroline’s High School days and all their shenanigans. 

A little later, as they got out of the Diner, with Joel finally convincing Sophie to let him pay the bill, they each stood for a second before they got into their respective cars-

"This was like- one of the best - dinner thing I had in a long time."- Joel said.

"Good. Next time it is on me."- Y/N said-"Or maybe we should let Sophie buy us a meal."- she referred to the silly negotiations he and Sophie had a few minutes ago.

"Yeah. Why the hell not. Then we will get all of the menu."

"Ok. Thanks for this- food."- Y/N said with a tiny smile curling up on her lips. 

"You’re welcome."- Joel said.

And then there was awkwardness. And to cut it, Y/N now said- "Tomorrow"

"Yeah, tomorrow."

Y/N nodded a little with a smile and went into her car.

Joel got into his car and took a moment, watching her drive off. He smiled a little as his emotions danced up the way they had never done before. And he so wanted to go after her and tell her that she freed his soul. How? When? He could not pinpoint it. Like it mattered. Everything with her was so effortless and made him feel good and all so fuzzy inside.  He now started the engine and .

A little later, he walked to her apartment and rang the bell.

Y/N opened the door and was surprised to see him there.

"Ahm, hey- did you forget something?"

"Yes, kind of- hm"- Joel smiled nervoulsy-"I forgot- well, to tell you that- tonight was kind of amazing- and - God- this is- I - just-"

His heart wanted to actually say this-”Before all I heard was silence,Life was stringing me along, Then you came and you cut me loose, And now  I'm dancin' on to your heartbeat, And when you're gone, I feel incomplete,So if you want the truth-I just wanna be part of your symphony”

"What?"- Y/N felt like her heart was going to burst as all her predictions and all she had felt now were coming to light.

Joel moved clumsily with his head aside and now said-"I think that I-m in love with you."

Y/N now smiled at him and replied-

"I think that I - am, too."

Joel now was kind of stunned, looking at her seriousl, emotions flying high,  and slipped a little-

"You are?"

Y/N nodded.

He now entered the apartment and kissed her.

Caroline now stormed out of her room and cut in the middle of the Y/N and Joel’s kiss saying-

"Klaus - has been in a car accident. It's not good."

“What? How? When?”- both Joel and Y/N now looked at Caroline, who looked for her car keys.

Joel’s pager now went off, and then said to Y/N and Caroline-

“I’ll drive”

Caroline nodded and all three of them rushed to the hospital.

 __________

[drunkbooksellers]

Ep 16: Julia & Christen, Itinerant Literate

Epigraph

Y'all. It's been a minute (or, ya know, 8 months). But we're back with a brand new episode featuring Julia Turner and Christen Thompson Lain, the founders of Itinerant Literate, a mobile bookstore in Charleston, SC.

Listen on iTunes, Stitcher, our website, or subscribe using your podcatcher of choice.

Support the show! All books in our show notes link to Indiebound, a website that connects you with your local independent bookstore. Purchases made through our affiliate links help fund Drunk Booksellers, so you can support your favorite indie bookstore and your favorite podcasting booksellers.

If you want to get our show notes delivered directly to your inbox—with all the books mentioned on the podcast and links to the books we discuss—sign up for our email newsletter.

This episode is sponsored by Books & Whatnot, the newsletter dedicated to books, bookselling, and bookish folk; check out their newsletter archive here. Follow Books & Whatnot on Twitter at @booksandwhatnot.

Chapter I

In which a local coffee shop assists in alcohol acquisition, we want more spaceships and dragons, and a book brings Emma to tears.

We’re Drinking

Christen and Julia were given some free beer from their local coffeeshop, Orange Spot Coffee: Stillwater Artisinal's Stateside Saisan and Sake-Style Saison. As our cocktail for the evening, we're drinking the Lime of the Ancient Mariner from Tim Federle's Tequila Mockingbird.

Christen's Reading

  War Storm by Victoria Aveyard

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara

Shout out to Joan Didion's Slouching Towards Bethlehem

Julia's Reading

    Girl in Snow by Danya Kukafka (audiobook via Libro.fm)

How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan

Monsoon Mansion by Cinelle Barnes

Daphne by Will Boast

Kim's Reading

  Killers of the Flower Moon by David Grann (audiobook via Libro.fm)

Amateur by Thomas Page McBee (pubs August 14, 2018)

McBee's previous book, Man Alive, is also excellent

Emma's Reading

  Circe by Madeline Miller (audiobook via Libro.fm)

The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai 

Forthcoming & Newly-New Titles We're Excited About

Julia & Christen are Excited About

   The White Darkness by David Grann (pubs Oct 30, 2018)

My Sister the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite (pubs Nov 20, 2018)

Cult X by Fuminori Nakamura

Kim's Excited About

  So Lucky by Nicola Griffith (audiobook via Libro.fm)

also check out her bestselling historical fantasy novel, Hild

Any Man by Amber Tamblyn

Emma's Excited About

    There There by Tommy Orange

Fight No More by Lydia Millet

Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik (pubs July 10, 2018)

her previous book, Uprooted, is one of Emma's faves

Half-Witch by John Schoffstall (pubs July 17, 2018)

Chapter II [23:30]

In which we discuss how bookstores work (and how you keep books on the shelves in a bookstore that moves), Julia and Christen give advice to future bookmobile owners, and the mobile bookstore finds a forever home!

Customer: So, is this a library?

Interested in breaking into publishing (then abandoning your fancy degree to become a bookseller)? Check out the University of Denver Publishing Institute. Julia and Christen met there, so that bodes well.

Shout out to Blue Bicycle (founder of YALLFest, Charleston's Young Adult Book Festival)

Fun fact: the aunt in Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson is described as itinerant. Maybe not the best role model, but not the worst!

The bookmobile is so purrrrrrrrrty:

  Books that Itinerant Literate must have in stock:

City of Thieves by David Benioff

Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami

Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine 

Lunar Chronicles Series by Marissa Meyer

Replica and Ringer by Lauren Oliver

Tips for potential bookmobile owners:

What's an SAN? Ok, go to www.bowker.com

Have an accountant in the family.

Indiegogo is your friend. (Kickstarter only gives you the funds if you meet your goal, whereas Indiegogo allows you to choose to still get your funds if you don't meet your goal.)

Bungie cords are clutch.

Know your legal obligations (you need separate business licenses for every municipality!)

For the first few months, plan two hours more than you think you'll need.

Ask someone who is not in your field to walk through your store and give you feedback.

Don't take everything a customer says to heart.

Engage sometimes, but not always.

Bookstores are businesses too, y'all.

Chapter III [44:30]

In which Julia, Christen, & Emma have the same wheelhouse; we debate Christen's concept of "feel-good" books; and Christen wants to be fierce & fearsome while naked

Book Description Guaranteed to Get You Reading

Christen loves fiction containing witches, dystopias, feminism, misandry, unreliable narrators, and anachronistic elements. Also, nonfiction books about product and content marketing. Highly recommend Building a Storybrand by Donald Miller.

Emma recommends We Were Witches by Ariel Gore, cause witches + misandry = win!

Julia digs retold fairy tales and pop science/medical nonfiction (shout out to This is Your Brain on Parasites by Kathleen McAuliffe).

Desert Island Pick

Christen: Harry Potter, natch

Julia: Young Adult faves, such as Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins

Station Eleven Picks

Christen's practical book: Peterson's Field Guides to Medical Plants

Christen's "feel-good" books: Letters to a Young Poet, One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Exit West by Mohsin Hamid, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer, and The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. Or, to go more apocalyptic: The Giver by Lois Lowry (aka "The Handmaid's Tale for children")

Julia: The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

Wild Pick

Julia: Nature reading (The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery) or books about female resistance

Christen wants a guidebook about how to be Lady Godiva. #legit

Lady Godiva, the ultimate Rebel Girl

Bookseller Confession

Christen actively doesn't finish things she doesn't enjoy. Real talk, this is a necessity for all booksellers. And readers. And humans.

Neither Julia, Christen, nor Emma have read Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials. For the record, Kim loves this series and owns multiple editions of the books. Because it's awesome and Kim has great taste. Seriously, look at this pretty cover:

Impossible Handsell

Julia: Getting Mother's Body by Suzan-Lori Parks

Christen: Eligible by Curtis Sittenfeld

Everyone: Hogarth's Shakespeare series

Book for Booksellers

Julia: Jane Unlimited by Kristin Cashore

Christen: Building a Storybrand by Donald Miller

Favorite Bookstores

Avid Bookshop in Athens, GA

Battery Book Exchange & Champagne Bar in Asheville, NC

Flyleaf Books in Chapel Hill, NC

Charis Books in Atlanta, GA

Little Shop of Stories in Decatur, GA

Tattered Cover (which is where Julia and Christen met! best #meetcute ever)

Favorite Literary Media

Shelf Awareness and Lit Hub

On Twitter: Maris Kreizman (author of Slaughterhouse 90210 and judge for Book of the Month Club)

Poet.org Poem of the Day

Epilogue

In which we tell you where to find Itinerant Literate on the Internets

Website: itinerantliteratebooks.com or chsbookmobile.com

Facebook: itinerantliteratebooks

Twitter: @chsbookmobile

Instagram: @chsbookmobile

Tumblr: itinerantliterate.tumblr.com

You can find us on:

Twitter: @drunkbookseller

Litsy: @drunkbooksellers

Facebook

Instagram

Email

Newsletter

Website

Emma tweets from @thebibliot and writes bookish things for Book Riot. She's also starting a newsletter called All the Books I'll Never Read, which you can subscribe to here. (Working on show notes is the first Kim has heard about this, and it sounds awesome.)

Kim tweets from @finaleofseem less frequently than Drunk Booksellers posts new episodes. #sickburn #stilltrue

Subscribe and rate us on iTunes!

Check out this episode!

[megantodd2415-blog]

Project 4: Research

https://www.aiga.org/medalist-ruth-ansel-2016

-Co-Art Director of Harpers Bazaar in the 60s

-Art director of the NYT Magazine beginning in 1974

-Vanity Fair reinvention in the 1984; Living record of the HOllywood obsessed go-go 80s

-1983: revamped house & garden

-Rock n Roll Flair

-“Showed us how magazines, at their best, are a vital visual record, a time stamp for an entire age”

-“Magazines give you an idea of what it was like to be alive at a certain time”-Ansel

-Work with the best people+white space+ let it happen

-Grew up in the bronx

-Loved movies

-Graduated from Alfred University in Western NY with a BFA in ceramic design

-Began at Columbia records under Bob Cato

-Married to Bob Gill; Who introduced her to “NY Design Mafia”: George Lois, Robert Brownjohn, Saul Bass, and Ivan Chermayeff

-Travelled Europe after marriage to Bob Gill

-1961: moved to NY to work with Henry Wolf at Harpers Bazaar; Got hired by Marvin Israel even though she had NO experience; No cliches to unlearn; Taught herself to develop a critical eye, “to be curious seven days a week”

-“Magazines were the closest thing I could find to films”

-“Child of the moment”

-Must be brilliant and be able to execute the brilliant

-Became co-art director with bea feitler after Israel was fired; She was in her 20s; Helped to forge a revolutionary new direction for harper bazarr; Conceptual photography + pop art + street fashion + rock music + film

-In motion, dark, intelligent, introverted, beautiful

-1990s: formed her own studio and designed monographs and began a highly productive collaboration with Tim Walker

-Design wall graphics in 2012 for a London exhibition organied around the publication of Storyteller

-Simple design; Effortless

-Four rules: Provoke something new, Inform yourself and be sensitive to the culture around you, bring it into your work (Constantly be changing and evolving), Entertain your audience (Juxtaposition), Inspire others and get out of the way

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruth_Ansel

-1960s: Harper's bazaar co-art director (1963); 1965 Iconic cover of Jean Shrimpton

-1970s: NYT (1974), House & Garden (1983), Vanity Fair (1984 as Art Director), & Vogue art director

-1957: began working under Bob Cato at Columbia Records

-1992 opened her own design studio where she still creates today: Dark Odyssey by Phillip Jones Griffiths, The Sixties by Richard Avedon, Women & the white oak dance project by annie leibovitz, Ad campaigns for versace, club monaco, and karl lagerfeld, Jerry schatzberg photography book, Elsa peretti the life and and work

-In 2009 she presented her work at moderna museet in stockholm sweden

-Hall of Femmes: Ruth Ansel

-2011 received art directors club hall of fame award

-Art directors club: gold medal for design in 1970

-AIGA Medalist in 2016

-Design award for continuing excellence in publication design by the society of publication

https://books.google.com/books?id=dILVaYXKT30C&pg=PT7&dq=ruth+ansel&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj79dOD0MfSAhVjqVQKHT55CA84ChDoAQgjMAI#v=onepage&q=ruth%20ansel&f=false

-Art director, designer, and lecturer

-Created the film titles for the cult film: My dinner with andre

-Designed alice and wonderland, the end of the game by peter beard, dark odyssey by philip jones griffiths, the sixties by richard avedon, women and the white oak dance project by annie leibovitz, monograph for taschen by peter beard, ad campaigns for versace, club monaco, and karl lagerfeld, monograph of the work by Denis Piel for Rizzoli

https://www.revolvy.com/page/Ruth-Ansel

-One of the first females to hold art director positions

http://halloffemmes.com/category/ruth-ansel/

-Grand

-Private (purposely publishes fake emails so people can’t reach her)

-Lives in Manhattan's upper west side; Black clothes, mary janes, a big orange watch, and a turquoise ring

-Pop art, street fashion, rock & roll music & film

-Born in the bronx in the 30s, her father was in the china import business and her mom ran a small lingerie shop

-Always interested in movies and art; BFFs with Nina castelli, daughter of leo castelli and ileana sonnabend; Spent summer in East Hamptons where she got to see William de kooning paint his woman series, meet jackson pollock and larry rivers at dinners, saw her first ballet, robert rauschenberg and Picasso exhibitions

-Earned a bachelor of fine arts in ceramic design from alfred university

-Briefly married and moved to France to look for adventure, but after 8 months she ran out of money; Never felt that she was taken seriously

https://vimeo.com/32518855

-Movies as an escape; Narrative, visual, invention, entering other peoples lives and words

-“Responding to what’s going on out there”

-Magazine: entertainment + information + inspiration; Lucky to begin at a great magazine; Harpers bazarr best accident to happen in her life; Drawn to the cultural magazine

-Must be curious and have curiosity

-Learn by watching

-Influenced mostly by picasso and Matisse; Imitations - but never near there talent; Genius; Brilliance

-Great work of art: moving

-April 1965 Avedon up and pop issue - avedon guest edited - influential issue of its time, exploration of the moon; Understood what was happening socially in the world; First woman astronaut

-Do your work and you move on, you do what’s important to you; There are always great women artists and designers, that fall through the cracks the higher up they go

-NYT: wanted to respond to what was going on in the world, better care about things other than art; Also admired the NYT; Women treated shabbily - women subjects; Sexual harassment - continued with her work

https://www.printmag.com/interviews/ruth-ansel-2016-aiga-medalist/

-Telling stories through pictures

-Fired from harpers bazar

-“Not taking a risk would lead me to a safe place that would hold fewer creative challenges. And pretty soon you’re repeating yourself, and you’re no good at all”

-Culture

-“Find out who you ar. Hold on to your passions and dig deep while trusting your instincts. Step outside of what is expected. Embrace accidents and know that eventually you will discover the perfect solution to a creative dilemma and be very joyous while doing it. Understanding the changing dynamics of what’s happening the world today allows you to dare”

-“Who dares wins!” - Zaha Hadid

-BOLD

-Gives back

https://www.phillips.com/article/6005714/an-influential-vision-the-collection-of-ruth-ansel

-“On a short list of the strong, incomparable art directors” with whom Avedon worked with

https://vimeo.com/119453929

-Your perceptions grow and change throughout time; So does culture

-“There are bridges between art and design”

-Continuity, love of craft and invention, privilege of collaborating

-“What a graphic designer does, is not so great historically”; “What I do becomes an instant part of the popular culture and my working language can influence if not direct, for better or worse the contemporary visual landscape”; “You see the moment more clearly, and change is what you reflect, but if the design team is strong, then the image can become the content itself, it tells the story”

-Believes in the image desperately

-Continuously develop a style and modify an image; Which is likely never how you pictured it

-Design Philosophy?; None; I just indicate a sense of direction and believe in my team and trust them, I just guide

-Eclectic: fascinated with everything

-Magpie Aesthetic

-Critical Eye is important

-Must demand the highest level of artistry

-Simple design that appears effortless

-Incredibly influenced by the movies

-Never did a magazine twice

-Magazines: tell stories; Great magazines appeal to your imagination and transport you; Reinvent yourself; To be like the people on the pages or be apart of the beautiful world

-“Magazines are the mirrors of social history”

-“Without the basis of loving what you’re doing, you aren’t going to get too far”

-Provoke, Inform, entertain, inspire; Above all else; Foundation

-“What can we do that reflects what’s happening in the time we’re in”

-Illusion: there is no reality, it is our projection of reality

-Shock

-Thinking outside the box

-Lasting design

-Breaking rules

-Women focused, but not looking down on them, for smart women

-“A photograph is mutable, it’s changeable… we live, we die, it is about remembering, it’s about being here, it’s about marking our existence”

-“Bring those moments into view for readers”

-Big advocate of how things were done in the past, layouts done by hand, reshoots

-Advocate of women

-Tried to make the covers of NYT Magazine as posters

-COLLABORATION

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/bazaar-art/news/a38138/bazaar-flashback-ruth-ansel/

-A key figure in shaping magazine design as we know it

-“Photography is a metaphor for all our experiences, and in the hands of passionate individuals, it can heighten them. The photograph is history”

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/fashion/photography/g4597/ruth-ansel-daring-moments/

Most memorable pages at Harper Bazaar

-Space Girl

-Out of this world

-Mercury rising

-King of cool  

-Having A Ball

-Fashion Flasher

-Team Spirit

-Vroooom

-Power Stripes

-Going Dotty

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/561eaed4e4b09058780f2ad8/t/5629664ce4b0b0d8bdbd5518/1445553740889/Ruth+Ansel.pdf

-Married, divorced, went to europe, failed to create film titles and ran out of money, then moved home and worked for magazines, because why not

-Landed at bazaar by calling them and asking for a job - cold called

-New editor=fired

-“I hate deadlines and I am lazy”

-“I had to be tuned in to what was going on. I was hardly ever turned down”

-“Books, fashion campaigns, identities, branding”

-“A magazine is supposed to reflect, like a mirror, the time we live in, and if it’s a good magazine, it reflects it provocatively. That’s what we did.”

-“I’ve always been more interested in attracting attention to the page than bringing attention to myself”

http://www.indexmagazine.com/interviews/ruth_ansel.shtml

-Began at harpers bazaar in 1961

-Inspired by coworkers marvin israel, dick avedon, diana vreeland

-“Touched by brilliance”

-Girls given the chance because it was a girls magazine

-Speaking about the NYT: “Personalizing the story was the key, for me… You want to create impact with an image. My goal was always to exist subliminally, so that the reader would think, “this is a great photograph””

-“The important ingredients are the right editor, the right idea, and the right team at the right time”

-“It’s all fiction in one form or another”

https://cultureofdesign.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/ruth-ansel-sandra-alvarez/

-One of the most important female voices in the graphic and product design industry

-Clean and modern work

-Modern and elegant, approachable to youth

-Empowerment women at the decade

-Being the first women and creating the stories she did

-“Used art, photojournalism, and graphic design as tools to open doors and to break with the standards that were established”

-“Jean shrimpton that came to the planet’s rescue, in a metaphor to empower women as a reckoned force in the sixties

-Woman: “in motion, a dark, intelligent, introverted, beautiful woman”

-Attention to detail and hand on approach

-Wit

-Fun

-Special energy

-Inspired

-Collaborator

-“Designing a magazine is a little like designing a face. No two faces are alike but each has the same essential structure- two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. Each magazine, even each advertising campaign, pretty much has the same ingredients. Whether it’s fashion, beauty and accessories, or home, architecture and lifestyle, what you must do is constantly rearrange and reinvent the relationships, pay attention to the content and context, pay attention to the time you live in, pay attention to what is newly creative and who is creating it. If you do that it will work and live on as good design”

https://www.annenbergspaceforphotography.org/video/ruth-ansel-conversation/

-You want to do things that haven’t been done before, that are out there, that might not be accepted

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgf-aUKwo5k

-Figured she would find a man and get married

-Wanted to work at the most sophisticated fashion magazine at the time

-Paris > NY was a major shift (avant garde > NY)

-Image was king (Harpers) > Word was King (NYT)

-Wasn’t treated as an equal, no woman was

-Right photographer is the key

-Must be of your time to capture what’s going on

-Looking for an education

-“Went where my instincts led me”

[caveartfair]

15 Emerging Illustrators Every Art Lover Should Know

What separates illustration from art? For most emerging illustrators, the answer is complicated.

“I’m not really sure there is a major distinction—boundaries between artistic practices are increasingly and refreshingly blurry,” says Brooklyn-based illustrator and painter Sam Kalda. Milan-based Olimpia Zagnoli agrees: “I’m not really interested in dividing my work into separate boxes. I’m interested in doing good work and cultivating my curiosity for things.”  

While illustration has traditionally referred to drawing commissioned for media and advertising, times are clearly changing. And no longer confined to paper sketchpads and print publications alone, contemporary illustrators are indeed expanding their toolkit, techniques, and the range of projects they’re pursuing. Some stick to pencils and paint, but others employ Photoshop brushes, the new and improved iPad Pro, and animation software.

Below, we highlight 15 young illustrators pushing the medium forward, whether through obsessive drawings of cats, anime-inspired gifs, or satirical portraits of Donald Trump.

Panteha Abareshi

Panteha Abareshi, It's All Excruciating, 2017. Courtesy of the artist.  

Panteha Abareshi, Just Cut It Out, 2017. Courtesy of the artist.  

“My pieces are an encapsulation and depiction of my struggles and my feelings, literally inspired by my daily experiences with depression and anxiety,” Abareshi says. In one recent work, The Problem Is On The Inside!, Abareshi drawsa young woman whose face is split down the middle, revealing a pink brain and bright red innards; she wears a pairs of blood-drenched scissors as an earring.

The young illustrator, who recently started her freshman year at USC’s Roski School of Art and Design, began to realize she could pursue illustration as a career while receiving her GED, a path which she took “because my mental and physical health made it impossible to function in the traditional high school setting,” she says. Drawing not only provided her an emotional outlet, but also a sense of fulfillment: “I had never experienced loving the act of doing something, despite failures and disappointment with the pieces I was making,” she says of her practice.

Daiana Ruiz

Illustration by Daiana Ruiz. Courtesy of the artist.

Illustration by Daiana Ruiz. Courtesy of the artist.

Ruiz’s muses are strong, chic, acrobatic women. In one of her graphic illustrations, her female subject dances and hoists a boa constrictor high in the air, dressed to the nines in a peach jumpsuit and sizable bronze accessories. The artist defies the tall, lanky frames which have traditionally filled fashion illustrations and magazines, rendering her figures in a vast range of skin tones and body types. In step, she has become a go-to illustrator for brands and projects looking to celebrate women, body positivity, and diversity.

This past year, Riposte Magazine commissioned Ruiz to illustrate an article titled “Self-Care as Warfare.” The digital drawings which accompany it show two bendy women who truly know how to multitask—they stare confidently at the reader while striking yoga poses and applying perfume. The Buenos Aires-based artist also recently teamed up with Cartoon Network for its PowerpuffYourself.com project, in which a number of artists around the world created their own version of the pint-sized cartoon female superheroes. As Ruiz explains, the project “demonstrates that everyone can embody the spirit of The Powerpuff Girls, regardless of gender, race, or creed.” Her own adaptation depicts a new POC member of the team—the three original Powerpuff girls are all white.  

Shawna X

Shawna X, How Much Do I Love You. Courtesy of the artist.

Shawna X, I Still Love You. Courtesy of the artist.

Filled with rich gradients and hues borrowed from Hawaiian sunsets and heat maps, Shawna X’s illustrations look like they might burst into flames at any moment. Warmth emanates from the the artist’s work, which has recently surfaced in hypnotizing collaborations with Adidas and Samsung. For the former, she conceived banners and courts for the Adidas x USA Volleyball High Performance Championship, as well as created a “girl gang floor mural” in Los Angeles’s Griffith Park in support of women’s equality.

The Portland-born, Brooklyn-based illustrator cites a smattering of inspirations, from “the aftermath of a dimsum lunch” to “the way a shadow is cast on water” and the eccentric novelist Richard Brautigan. Sometimes, the ups and downs of the creative process itself provide fodder. The artist’s recent public mural collaboration with Portland nonprofit Forest for the Trees depicts a naked woman submerged in water on one side of the mural, and rising to her feet on the other. The figures represent “the dive into a rut/depression and a rise again to inspiration,” she explains on her website.

Sophie Koko Gate

Illustration by Sophie Koko Gate. Courtesy of the artist.

“I’ve never really seen myself as an illustrator,” notes London-based Koko Gate. “Once I was able to make my illustrations move, that’s when I knew I had found my calling!” Gate was 21 at the time. Since then, her animations—filled with figures whose googly eyes, angular bodies, and very large mouths gyrate and occasionally explode into pieces—have popped up with regularity on The Guardian, as well in special projects for Airbnb, Vox, and MTV.

In a recent collaboration with Lena Dunham, Gate brings to life a conversation between the actress-filmmaker and her father, the painter Carroll Dunham. They ponder the question: “How are you feeling about the extinction of white men?” The animation concludes when an oblivious pink man-monster is squashed by a giant high heel.

Gate often reaches outside her own field when on the hunt for inspiration. Ceramicists like Hans Coper and Lucie Rie have informed her approach to shape and form. Science, too, offers a trove of visual stimulation: “Anything under a microscope, plankton, the little mites that live in your eyelashes” have all jarred fresh ideas, she says. But the artist does concede that some animators have inspired her path, particularly Sesame Street’s Sally Cruikshank and Faith Hubley, and claymation guru Jan Švankmajer.

Angelica Hicks

Illustration by Angelica Hicks. Courtesy of the artist.

Illustration by Angelica Hicks. Courtesy of the artist.

Hicks’s cheeky illustrations—with their blend of no-holds-barred wit, wordplay, pop culture savvy, and art-historical innuendo—have popped up on Manhattan and Milan walls, couture t-shirts, and many an Instagram feed. The young London- and New York-based illustrator’s work has graced the pages of the New York Times, Harper’s Bazaar US, and Vogue UK, but it was a 2017 collaboration with Gucci that catapulted her career. The Milan-based couture house tapped Hicks to create illustrations for a series of t-shirts that poke light fun at the fashion world—and at Gucci’s signature items, in particular. One shows three plump loaves of bread decorated with the label’s logo, rebranded as “GUCCI LOAF-ERS.”

This year also marks the publication of Hicks’s first book, Tongue in Chic. One illustration shows a half-topless Frida Kahlo, accompanied by the phrase: “FRIDA NIPPLE!” In another diptych, we see two coffee cups. One bears the likeness of a young Leonardo diCaprio with the description “LEO DECAF-RIO,” while its partner mug is labeled “ARIANA’S GRANDE.”

Jack Dylan

Jack Dylan, A Song of Love and Fire, created for the Pop Montreal Festival.  Courtesy of the artist.

Illustration from Jack Dylan's recent series chronicling the Trump presidency. Courtesy of the artist.

“Lately, I’m most inspired by my neighborhood of Fort Greene,” he says. “It’s cats, people, gardens, and beautiful brownstones.” One recently posted gif, captioned “Dance of the cat naps,” depicts Dylan’s own felines—one black, one orange—as they snooze in different spots on his bed.

Dylan excels at translating the scenes that surround him—whether his everyday life in Brooklyn or the political environment looming over it—into charming, sweetly humorous drawings. Like many artists, he’s also been affected by the Trump administration. One series of drawings (which Dylan is in the process of turning into a book titled I’m President and You’re Not) pokes fun at POTUS’s hubris. “I’m happy with the way I draw Trump,” Dylan says. “He’s like a fat little beetle with tiny arms and legs.”

The Canada-born creative also works extensively with publications and brands, as both an illustrator and art director (in another manifestation of his cat obsession, Dylan named his design studio Meow Magazine). Recently, he contributed an animated video for Architectural Digest in which actress Jenny Slate describes her childhood bedroom and dream home to fashion designer and man-about-town Derek Blasberg. He has also contributed illustrations to Pitchfork and art direction expertise to Esquire and Popular Mechanics.  

Sam Kalda

Sam Kalda, Boyle Heights, 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

Sam Kalda, Illustration of Paul Klee from Of Cats and Men, 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

This spring, Kalda celebrated his first book, which is about famous men who happen to share a deep love for cats. Released by Ten Speed Press, Of Cats and Men assembles detailed portraits of Nikola Tesla, Winston Churchill, Andy Warhol, and others alongside their favorite felines. These, and all of Kalda’s drawings, radiate warmth and humanity through his inclusion of intimate details: a paint-splattered coat, an open book forgotten on a coffee table, or a half-empty glass of wine. It’s an approach that has attracted an impressive range of publications and brands. He has worked extensively with the New York Times, which has published some 45 of Kalda’s animations alongside its “Meditation for Real Life” series. Lately, the South Dakota-born, Brooklyn-based artist is immersed in illustrating a children’s book about the first moon landing, slated to publish this fall.

Olimpia Zagnoli

Illustration by Olimpia Zagnoli. Courtesy of the artist.

Illustration by Olimpia Zagnoli. Courtesy of the artist.

Zagnoli’s bold, Pop-inspired style stands out—even in a sea of hurried New York City commuters. “Henri Matisse is my spiritual guide when it comes to color,” the artist notes, also citing Saul Steinberg (“the Elvis of illustration”) and Pablo Picasso (the one who “really makes me cry”) as influences.

In 2014, the city’s mass transit system hired the young, Milan-based illustrator to design a poster that was showcased in subway platforms and cars across the five boroughs. Riders were treated to one of Zagnoli’s typically fabulous characters—a woman with a neon red hair wearing a bright green turtleneck and big sun-yellow hoop earrings, each bearing the words “New York.”

In May of this year, Milan’s Antonio Colombo Gallery hosted “How To Eat Spaghetti Like a Lady,” featuring a dozen illustrations responding to a series of photos from a 1942 issue of LIFE Magazine meant to instruct women how to properly eat a plate a spaghetti. (Zagnoli’s women show that “they’re free to enjoy a plate of spaghetti however the fuck they want,” she says.) This month, the artist also launches her second collaboration with the Italian fashion brand Marella, which has covered its Fall/Winter collection with patterns designed by the illustrator.

Sara Andreasson

Illustration by Sara Andreasson. Courtesy of the artist.

After several years of illustration for clients like Wired, Selfridges, Nike, and Tumblr—for whom she illustrated a Drake playlist—Andreasson has lately been taking “a much needed break from commissioned work,” she says. This past summer, she focused on her personal drawing practice while traveling across the U.S. (Andreasson is Swedish and based in London). The resulting illustrations, which can be seen on her Instagram feed, depict risk-taking women and explosive, untamed house plants rendered in her signature palette of cool tangerines, hot pinks, and calming periwinkles.

In between commercial gigs and her personal drawing practice, Andreasson also makes time for a steady stream of collaborations with friends and fellow creatives. She works regularly with director-animator Anna Ginsburg on animated films; edits an independent all-female/queer magazine, BBY, with Josefine Hardstedt; and shares a studio with several of her favorite illustrators (and close friends) Hattie Stewart, Lynnie Z, and Annu Kilpeläinen.

Tomi Um

Tomi Um, Harry’s crowd scene. Art direction by Garrett Morri. Courtesy of the artist.

Tomi Um, Harry’s studio scene. Art direction by Garrett Morri. Courtesy of the artist.

How do you convince a generation of young people to buy their beds on the internet? You enlist the vision of a creative like South Korean, Brooklyn-based Um, whose ad campaign for Casper mattresses has been an urban-commuter favorite since 2015. Her sweet, playful drawings depict all manner of creatures (mustachioed koalas, vampires, bookworms, even Bob Ross) tucking into bed.

Um originally moved to New York to pursue her BFA at Parsons, and the city has provided constant stimulation. “I like to people-watch, try to read their expressions, and see how they carry themselves,” she says. The spoils of this pastime show up across her work, which captures the chaos, energy, and diversity of busy, urban spaces. In a recent campaign for Harry’s Razors, an illustration by Um shows an aerial view of a city street packed with men—all lathered with shaving cream—who are running, cycling, surfing, directing traffic, walking dogs, and fighting fires. Um has also contributed to publications such as The Atlantic, Curbed, and FiveThirtyEight, and is currently working on a mural and a children’s picture book. (Full disclosure: Um’s illustration work was recently commissioned by Artsy as part of a partnership with Bombay Sapphire.)

Cristina Daura

Cristina Daura, Illustration for Eat Street. Courtesy of the artist.

Cristina Daura, Illustration for the project #BorraelSida with PlayGround magazine and La Fundació Lluita contra el Sida. Courtesy of the artist.

Barcelona-based Daura’s illustrations read like contemporary cautionary tales rendered in a hyper-saturated palette. Take one poster from a recent series Daura made for the Barcelona nightclub Razamatazz: A melting smiley face covers the face of a girl at its center. Below, a pair of young women play polo atop blindfolded horses, their mallets bursting into flame.

Daura isn’t always as dystopic, but her images always lean toward the surreal. One, called Cats and Plants / Plants and Cats / and a volcano, shows a smiling black feline (a recurring character across Daura’s work) holding a fern in its mouth. The creature floats next to a stoic girl whose features are shrouded by an anthropomorphic plant sprig (it, too, sports a smiley face). Behind them, a volcano erupts with a lotus blossom.

Daura’s inspirations are eclectic, from cult cartoonist R. Crumb to Italian Baroque painter Artemisia Gentileschi, novelist and cartoonist Phoebe Gloeckner, and Catalan Romanesque art. The bold, darkly humorous style that results has led to commissions from local Barcelona music festivals, magazines, and AIDS awareness organizations, as well as international publications like the New York Times and The New Yorker, who have both commissioned her work.

Daniel Zender

Daniel Zender, Illustration for the New Yorker. Courtesy of the artist.

Daniel Zender, Illustration for the New York Times. Courtesy of the artist.

Zender’s paintings and illustrations are laced with cinematic drama: Eyes shine from behind screens of smoke, and the glow of roaring flames illuminate screaming faces. It’s no surprise, then, that the Brooklyn-based artist looks to film for inspiration: “I have always loved movies, especially horror, and a lot of my atmospheric choices and lighting comes from that,” he says. The 1977 film Suspiria, in particular, provoked Zender to use “garish and highly saturated colors to illustrate something ‘scary.’”

His unique ability to capture fear and frustration has led to a number of topical commissions. In July, The LA Times ran one of his illustrations alongside an op-ed titled “How to stop trigger-happy cops,” which explored the role of de-escalation training in reducing unnecessary shootings by police. Similarly, in early September, the New York Times paired Zender’s work with another op-ed, titled “Hands Up. It’s Showtime,” about how police militarization has been shaped by violence depicted on television and in films. Zender’s illustration for that essay depicts an armored SWAT team which blends together like an ominous black cloud.

Outside of his illustration work, Zender also maintains a painting practice. While he keeps the two mediums in separate spaces—illustration at home, painting in a studio—the two occasionally overlap. “My illustration work continues to integrate tiny innovations from my art studio, like textural solutions,” he says. And when it comes to painting: “I always return to my sketchbook to see how I can incorporate bits and pieces from my illustrations back into my art.”

Rebekka Dunlap

Rebekka Dunlap, Illustration for short story "In Foreign Territory, Wondering: Who is the Alpha Monkey?" by Leigh Shulman. Courtesy of the artist.

When Dunlap told her family that she had decided to study art in college, her mother cried. “My teachers and family viewed it as a total black hole of a future,” she remembers. “I had to have a come-to-Jesus [moment] about the fact that drawing bootleg anime and coming up with stories made me happier than almost anything else.”

Fast forward to 2017, when Dunlap made a buzzy career of her otherworldly illustrations, inspired by sci-fi, horror comics, and Manga, from Sailor Moon to Kaito Jane to a dusty copy of 3x3 Eyes. Her fluid, brushy streaks of color and loosely cartoonish figures have caught the eye of publications from the The New Yorker and Oprah Magazine to Buzzfeed and the MIT Technology Review. The Brooklyn-based illustrator also manages to find time for non-editorial passion projects. Currently, she is collaborating with fellow illustrator Topher MacDonald on an animated short film-cum-music video, which she describes as a “surreal and cerebral adventure story.”

Jon Han

Jon Han, The Room. Courtesy of the artist.

Brooklyn-based Han has become a favorite illustrator of MIT’s Technology Review, Surface Mag, the New York Times, and Bleacher Report, among others. Across these publications, his work stands out for its unique blend of painting and digital drawing. The compositions that result explode with streaks and splatters of brilliant color and nebulous shapes that convey movement and volatility. Often, small, faceless figures stand within these brilliant visual tumults, looking suitably overwhelmed.  

The Times, in particular, has coupled Han’s illustrations with a vast range of articles and special features. This past May, the publication ran an article penned by conceptual artist and activist Ai Weiwei titled “How Censorship Works.” Han’s accompanying illustration shows a figure in front of a dazzlingly colorful wall blocked by a barrier of dense black rectangles. For another piece (“Climate Change Is Complex. We’ve Got Answers to Your Questions”) Han contributed an animated backdrop that, as the reader scrolls, transforms from a lush mountain landscape into a barren wasteland.

Joana Avillez

Joana Avillez, illustration from her travel diary for New York Magazine, 2015. Courtesy of the artist.

As a child, Avillez fantasized about a career in illustration. But by the time she arrived at Rhode Island School of Design, she’d decided to pursue painting instead. Even so, she remembers that “the things I had always loved—magazines, books, printed anything, paper anything, comics, humor, writing, stories, typography—hovered nearby me at all times, waiting for me to catch back up.”

Indeed, they did. Today, the New York-born and -based Avillez spends her days making illustrations for the very publications that inspired her when she was young. Her drawings of sprightly, eccentric, and wildly fashionable humans (“People watching is my only hobby,” she says) regularly make their way onto the pages of The New Yorker, Travel + Leisure, ZEITmagazin, and more.

Recently, The Guggenheim Museum also tapped Avillez’s talent. A new series of illustrations reveal what happens within the spiraling walls of the Gehry-designed building in-between exhibitions. In one, several funkily-attired museumgoers hold phones above their heads, snapping pictures of the institution’s famously dizzying rotunda. Next year, look out for Avillez’s first book, D C-T!, a collaboration with writer Molly Young that brings together delightfully mischievous illustrated and coded word puzzles about New York City.

—Alexxa Gotthardt

Header image: Sara Andreasson, Petite, 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

from Artsy News