#greg grimaldis

[parker-matsu]

been sittin on this one for a while. owed, stolen, recovered, re-stolen, and now immortalized, i present the magically imbued self-replicating fifteen dollar bill 🔥💵🔥

edit: now you can have your very own $15, and its a sticker :)

[mcelquotes]

Also. Greg Grimaldis. You owe me fifteen dollars and I aim to collect. You better believe. Greg Grimaldis.

Lup

[least-fuckable-taz-character]

Round 1

Why?

Lucas Miller - Balance

He owned slaves that he put mind control chips in!! He doesn't clean his room!! He owned slaves!! He's a nepotism baby to the extreme!!

Greg Grimaldis - Balance

Owes Lup money. If he respected women he’d pay her back

[seefasters]

its also incredible how griffin managed to endear everyone to lup in exactly one sentence. man introduced a secret sister for theee fan favorite character of the campaign and managed to make her as, if not more, beloved and thats before shes even done anything

[fandomsnstuff]

I think this one is very very good, a little bit of a speedrun for blups but i love them

@taznovembercelebration Wonder or despise

-

It would be an understatement to say that Barry's day is not going how he planned. If he had to guess between his day being defined by aliens attacking and breaking into his neighbour's apartment, he would've picked aliens. As it stands though, he's hiding in a utility closet with a woman he's known for all of five minutes, her hand over his mouth, waiting for the guy to leave.

He met Lup after he checked his mail that morning. She was kneeling outside his neighbour's door, fiddling with the handle. When he tentatively asked her what she was doing, she asked if he was a narc and then told him that Greg had stolen from her, so she was stealing right back.

She got the door open a moment later, and Barry doesn't know what possessed him to follow her in. Maybe it was having to listen to Greg's dumb loud voice every single day. Or his tv on full blast that keeps him up at night. Or the way that Greg never holds the door for him, even though they've been neighbours for almost two years. Or the stupid smug condescending smirk he gives him every time they cross paths. Barry knows he's not a looker, but Greg is not as high above him as he thinks he is.

In any other context, Barry would be flustered to find himself in a dark closet with a beautiful woman, but as they listen to Greg talk obscenely loudly to someone on the phone, all he feels is annoyance and resentment. Greg's probably talking to one of his douchebag buddies that stinks the whole place up with weed every fucking weekend.

A few minutes later, Greg leaves the apartment again. They wait another minute or two in silence to make sure, then slowly make their way back into the main apartment.

"God," Barry says, "I fucking hate that guy."

"Fucking- thank you," Lup says, "he sucks so hard. I don't know how you live next to him."

"Me neither. I should've moved out ages ago." He looks around the apartment. It's the same layout as his, but it smells like a middle school boys locker room. "So what did he steal, anyway?"

Lup ticks them off on her fingers, "my time, my patience, and my emergency fund of over six thousand dollars in cash."

Barry whistles. "Damn. Why not call the cops? That's gotta be a felony."

"Fuck the cops. Plus, it's in a locked jewlery box with my name on it. What's he gonna say? Hi, 911? A jewlery box with money inside was stolen from me. How much money? I don't know, it was locked. What's the box look like? Oh, it has the name of the woman who stole it on top." She kicks aside dirty clothes as she heads to the bedroom. "Besides, he's got a warrant out for petty theft already, he's not calling the cops any time soon."

Barry follows a few steps behind her. "Why keep that much cash around anyway?"

She shrugs, "I like to have money on hand. Guess I'm gonna have to fuckin change that policy." She reaches the open bedroom door and scoffs, "the motherfucker didn't even try to hide it!" Barry comes to the door as Lup goes inside. She picks the box up off a nightstand and guestures at him with it, "it's like he's asking to be robbed." She shakes it a few times and, seemingly satisfied, tucks it under her arm and walks past him, "let's go before he comes back again."

Back out in the hallway, Greg's apartment door closed behind them like nothing ever happened, the two of them hover outside Barry's door. "Well," he says, "I'm glad you got your money back."

"Yeah, thanks," she says. "And, uh, if you ever want to get back at him for being a loud dickhead, I've got a bunch of loud bastards for friends. We could all come over, I can bring snacks. I know they'd like you."

"Oh." That's... unexpected. "How do you know they'd like me?"

Lup snorts, "well for one, you broke into an apartment with me. You'd be surprised how many B'n'Es there are between all of us."

Barry laughs lightly. "Yeah, uh. That sounds good. I mean, we could also just... hang out. You and me. Not necessarily for revenge." What is wrong with him today? First he commits a crime and now he's asking a girl to hang out? Alone?

Lup seems to perk up. "Yes! Definitely!"

He clears his throat. "Cool. Well. You know where to find me."

Lup's smile softens. She puts a hand on his shoulder and kisses his cheek. She says, "thanks for all your help," then leaves. Barry's left standing there stunned.

There's something in the air today, and it's definitely not Greg's shitty body spray.

[libraryspectre]

Unfortunately every single one of those fmk wheels ive done has given me a character id kill. Why am i the fandom assassain. Don't I deserve to be happy.

[natjennie]

lup canon trans episode!!!! huge w!!!!!!

[dogs2shouldvote]

during my latest relisten of taz balance, i recorded every line i found even the slightest bit funny with zero context, not even who said it (though some are pretty obvious). here’s all my favorites!!

“i’m probably studying.. my cantrips”

“just say mastrubating, dad”

“don’t come in mom i’m studying my canteips!!”

.

“yeah you’ll do any dumb shit”

.

“it’s like a bag of holding! but for.. ass.”

.

“do we know how much damage we did to him?”

“six damage, you said it out loud with your mouth.”

.

“it should be in the player’s handbook! get your salty snack to enjoy while you play dnd”

.

“my grandpa says it’s rude to whisper. especially on a train!”

.

“i’m not going to go toe to toe with a crab while youre armed with a terrible scottish accent and travis doesn’t even have his sheild. i’m out! … did i say travis? i mean leman kessler.”

“nope! that was wrong all the way around.”

.

“i’m cosplaying taako right now, as a stupid man.”

.

“who’s just rolling dice? who is doing secret checks that i don’t know about?”

.

“i always waste my 20’s on perception checks. like i give a shit.”

.

“it’s completely conceivable he would have a name tag.”

“IN A GANG?”

.

“like a pelt??? like a bramble*pelt*?????”

.

“is there a math check? what are you talking about?”

“yeah it’s your fucking brain. you use your brain to add numbers together”

“16”

“what are you fucking doing??”

.

“griffin i love you youre my brother. but if my skill called history doesn’t literally help me with history trivia questions in a category called history what are we FUCKING doing here??”

.

“can i ask you a question? are you guys mean to everyone?”

.

“fus-ro-over dere”

.

“that one was actually a badass bernie sanders”

.

“hey thug! what’s your name? i’m about to tentacle your dick.”

.

“a d6 is like some dice ass dice. that’s some monopoly shit.”

.

“i thought you were saying merle, it’s his bread and his body, take 2d6 healing points”

.

“you two remind me of something… you remind me of the babe! and then i throw the glass sphere at them.”

.

“make a constitution saving throw to see if you can eat this fucking rock with your mouth.”

.

“dungeons and dragons is a. great game.”

.

“my name is magnus burnsides”

“marchins burchens”

.

“magnus would not say that. however, travis would.”

.

“can we please not talk about chekhov’s bush?”

.

“we’ve got a ball, a sack, and a tool!”

“everything is gross here in dnd.”

.

“only losers smoke, isaac.”

“i give isaac an hour long lecture about the dangers of smoking.”

.

“i’m just gonna put my mouth down there and go buck wild”

.

“there’s a lot of go cart tracks called the adventure zone and i’ve been working with my lawyer to shut them all down forever”

.

“does taako fish?”

“yeah taako fishes.”

.

“a rock hard-“

*justin, clint, and travis laugh*

“come ON, *really*?”

.

“taako rushes in!”

“what! magnus follows him.”

“merle’s good out here!”

“WHAT is going on?”

.

“how do you not have a d6 it comes with every board game”

“my daughter-“

“eats them for power???”

.

“uhhh how much health do you have.”

“im not gonna tell you.”

.

“let’s see… i am going to hurt jenkins. with a magical spell.”

.

“this is about to become the taako show starring taako.”

.

“BLUFF FUCKING BLUFF O’CLOCK?? WHAT IS THIS, HALF PAST PERSUASION TIME??”

.

“i’m not laughing in game” *justin fucking loses it*

.

“she’s the best at burning shit ever.”

.

“traaav griffin got to do his show for so long and now he’s gonna destroy yours.”

.

“fucking lup finds like. a gun.”

.

“for sure, keep it sleazy. we’re out, bye!”

.

“i have to believe…. i’m gonna get those fifteen dollars back from greg fucking grimaldis”

.

“based on the rules of the game, dad… you die.”

.

“dad’s making a jerk off motion at me”

.

“don’t play the pennywise card like you ALWAYS try to”

.

“should i talk slower so that everybody who has been complaining about us not playing dnd has time to nut?”

.

“i am a wizard. my name is taako. and i am pretty well fucked.”

.

“yeah i’ve got cumin who do you think i am?”

.

“hear that, babe? we’re *legends*”

.

“i’m clint mcelroy and i played merle hightower-“

“nope”

[fizzsparkpop]

greg grimaldis i’ve got your fucking number man it’s so over for you

[barry-j-blupjeans]

TAZ NC Day 2: Fake Dating

@taznovembercelebration

"It's bad, Taako," Lup said as soon as the car door was shut. "It's real bad."

Taako had to be honest— he had no fuckin' clue what was happening anymore. He and Lup had never gone to different schools before and it was weird being out of her direct ring of things-that-are-happening. It was for the best, 'cus there was no way he could have survived trying to get a science degree. And he knew Lup loved cooking, but culinary arts was not for her. Ever. Keep her away from the building, thank you very much. Yeah, sure, she'd kill this degree, but it was the principle of the thing.

So he had only been getting outside reports of whatever was happening over at Neverwinter University. But apparently, it was a lot. While Taako was over here, blissed out on weed brownies, Lup was doin'… something. Again, he didn't really understand what was happening anymore. But Lup didn't even wait for an answer before continuing.

"I asked him on a date," Lup said, buckling herself in with more force than necessary. Taako took the car out of park (look at him! He could drive! Take that, driving instructor one through five.) and attempted to maneuver his way out of the parking lot.

"That sounds like a good thing?" Taako said.

"It's not," Lup said. "It's not a real date."

"A- and that means??"

"It's not a real date," Lup said again. "I fuckin— well, first off, Greg fucking Grimaldis—"

"Fuck him," Taako said.

"Yeah, fuck him— but he was very loudly promoting his fuckin'… casino or whatever that he's inheriting. And he so graciously invited us to an event that's being hosted there about— god, I'm too angry to remember what the stupid event is for. But he was like, oh, don't bother showing up without a date though, it's a couple's event, like I fuckin' know whatever that means—"

"It just sounds like bait," Taako said. How the hell did he leave this parking lot again? He felt like he had been turning left for like, three entire minutes.

"And then I was like, "of course, I have a date". And he was like, "oh yeah? Who?". And Barry was right there, so—"

Ah, Barry Bluejeans. Taako had heard way too fuckin' much about Barry Bluejeans. Lup kept trying to deny any romantic feelings she felt towards him, but Taako knew better. Or, well, Taako had eyes and ears and the way Lup spoke about Barry Bluejeans left nothing up to the imagination. Normally Taako would have liked to meet the man that his sister had fallen in love with but honestly, he's in a place in his life where he gets assignments about spaghetti so it's not like anything makes sense anymore.

"So it was less like you asked him and more like you are going to force him—"

"I asked!" Lup said, sitting up in her car seat. If she had noticed the several loops Taako had taken around the parking lot, she hadn't said. "After, I mean. I asked after. And y'know how Barry's like, he's gonna say yes to everything 'cus he feels bad about saying no. So I had to clarify that we weren't actually dating to, y'know, make it seem better— I don't wanna seem like I'm using him, Taako, I just— babe, if you had seen Grimaldis's face when I said that. And Barry fuckin' backed me up, too!"

Taako slammed on the brakes as someone tumbled into his car. And then onto the ground. Lup froze. Taako froze, too. And then started slowly backing up.

"Taako, we gotta— we gotta check—"

"Yeah, yeah," Taako said, pulling the car back a few inches. He shifted back into park and undid his seat belt. Lup was out of the car before him and when he opened the door, he caught the end of

"-arry!"

Aw, fuck.

"Oh, uh." Taako rounded the car, coming face to face with the new voice. It was a short man with concerningly thick glasses. He was wearing an honest-to-god sweater vest and bluejeans of all things. Lup was holding his hand, looking at the scruffed up flesh on his palm. He didn't look super injured or concussed. Taako had been going to stupid five miles and hour that this parking lot demanded of him. "It's— it's fine, Lup, really—"

"My guy, you just got hit with a car—"

"It was five miles an hour," Taako said, leaning against the driver's side door. "Nice to meet'cha, Barold."

"Uhm." Barry blinked a few times, looking between him and Lup.

"You're not concussed," Taako said. "We're twins."

"Uh," Barry said, eloquently. Man, this is the guy Lup was planning to fake-date? Good lord.

"You might be concussed, though," Lup said, turning Barry toward her. "Did you hit your head?"

"No, uh, no I'm good," Barry said. "Just, uhm— surprised! Haha."

This was awful. The worst part is that if Barry wasn't concussed, this was just his regular way of talking. Taako felt himself getting a headache. But Lup gave a smile that was all goopy and warm and, ugh. Taako kinda wished he had been going faster. He got back into the car, watching with a scrutinizing gaze as Barry and Lup talked.

And talked.

And talked.

Taako got out his phone, pulling up the group chat he shared with Magnus and Merle.

Gonna be late to game night, boys. I've got Lup and Barry Bluejeans existing in the same place.

Magnus sent back a saluting emoji.

[the-ghost-bracket]

Lup propaganda:

"A kickass, dimension-hopping elf wizard and the twin sister of Taako (you know, from TV?). Technically a lich (which, in TAZ:B canon, is an incorporeal undead made wholly of magic, so that's pretty ghost-adjacent). Helped save the universe from total assimilation by the Hunger. Spent years trapped inside her own umbrella. Is canonically a trans woman."

"Spoilers for TAZ: Balance- an actual-play Dungeons and Dragons podcast ||

Lup (pronounced ""loop"") is a lich, which, while not being a ghost specifically, is still a type of undead being. However, Lup's brand of lich is that she's tied to this mortal plane and kept from dissipating not by a phylactery with souls, but by an emotional tether- in this case, that emotion would be love.

She's died, been ghostified, and been revived repeatedly due to what was basically a time loop. Once she and her found family were able to break the time loop (or temporarily stave it off), she then got poisoned and accidentally spent around a decade stuck in an umbrella that swallows the essence of defeated magical users (which she counted as). She, a lich powered by love, spent a decade in an umbrella, unable to contact anyone in the outside world or do anything but struggle to EXIST. It would have been so easy to give up, to let go and just stop, but instead, what does Lup do? She saves up her strength, over days and months and YEARS, to be able to control the umbrella instead. She does this several times: to influence the umbrella's reaction to others and get it to her brother (repeatedly); to protect him once it was by his side; to protect the umbrella from the Grim Reaper that was probably going to kill her since liches are illegal; to send a message to him, scorching her name into a wall in an attempt to tell him that she was still alive; and to channel the occasional spell, including the one that led to her brother realizing that she was in the umbrella and snapping it to free her. Asides from being an actual ghost, she is a ghost in the narrative too, haunting the entire story via absence ever since the early episodes, where the protagonists picked up her umbrella, so she's a ghost many times over at this point. Learning of her existence almost completely changes how you view the first few episodes. But that's just a bit of a fun fact; let's get back to why Lup is amazing.

She's VERY COOL. Her specialty is Evocation magic, and what she is MOST known for is fire spells. When she was broken out of the umbrella (it was snapped), her first action is to release a wave of fire that destroys every last bit of The Hunger (antagonistic force that swallows up worlds) in the room while leaving her allies untouched. Her second? To turn to her brother and ask gleefully, ""You're dating the Grim Reaper?!"" ICONIC. (Also she made the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet that has the potential to destroy entire towns or something.) In addition, she has other talents besides just magic and iconic lines. For example: Cooking! She and her twin brother Taako acted as chefs and arcanists for a ship powered by bonds and called the Starblaster.

While dabbling in transmutation (the school that her twin brother eventually chose), she made a fifteen dollar bill that duplicates itself (the duplicates don't create duplicates), but Greg Grimaldis stole it from her. So, what did she do? At the plane's most-watched press conference, she went up on stage and vowed, for the whole world's watching eyes to see, that she would be getting it back (and then dropped the mic). This is called back to repeatedly during said time loop (""I believe that, one of these times, we’re gonna get it right. And we’re gonna find a way to defeat The Hunger and... save everybody inside of it. I have to believe that, to keep doing what we do. Because I have to believe [choking up] that I’m gonna get...those fifteen dollars back from Greg fucking Grimaldis!""). And guess what? ~20 or so years later after the hundred-year time loop, she, her brother, and the other two player characters hold a heist on Greg Grimaldis's casino to get it back.

Also, she can play the violin, which was part of a scene that led to this beautiful narration that I'm only going to quote part of: ""Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives, and with each moment we spend with those people. But too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favor of others. And by the time we realize just how important it is, we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with. But the seven of you have something that nobody else ever had: time. All the time in the world. Time enough to grow indescribably close. Time enough to learn how to care for each other, how to allow yourselves to be cared for. And in the case of Barry and Lup, time enough to fall deeply and truly in love."" She and Barry (also arcanist) spend several decades pining. Her first canon words to him are ""Nerd alert"". They became liches together in the same ceremony. They're part of each other's emotional tethers. Barry ghostified to avoid magical memory-wiping and made his sole goal for a decade plus just to find her and when Barry thought she was permadead he almost completely lost control of his lich form.

Other fun fact: One loop, the Starblaster team was being judged for sins the justices perceived them to have committed. When it was her turn, Lup correctly listed off each sin the justices were going to accuse her of, before they said anything other than her name. Boss move right there.

TL;DR: Lup is a ghost several times over, she's a girlboss, she's amazing."

"She is phantasmal and resplendent"

[incorrect-zone-quotes]

Best TAZ Balance NPC poll

After a little messing around, I've decided to conduct a very scientific poll.

This will include every TAZ Balance NPC that I remember/care about so I apologize deeply if your favorite NPC isn't on here but there's 60 total so I feel that's pretty comprehensive.

Matchups under the read more (These have been randomized so I'm sorry for any tough choices)

Artemis Sterling vs Hurley

Kravitz vs Klarg

Angus McDonald vs Robbie

Graham the Juicy Wizard vs Mr. Upsy

Johann vs Davenport

Roswell vs Dracula

Antonia vs Rowan

Lucas Miller vs Hodge Podge

Hekuba Roughridge vs Cassidy

Steven vs Brad Bradson

Greg Grimaldis vs Jenkins

Trent the Treant vs Little Jerry and Jerreeeeee

Cam vs Paloma

Voidfish vs Garyl

Barry Bluejeans vs Istus

Gundren Rockseeker vs Lucretia

Maarvey vs Sloane

Joaquin Terrero vs Edward

Mookie vs Lup

Ash vs Jeff Angel

Lydia vs Avi

Ren Mol'diira vs The Raven Queen

Clint McElroy (the Plane Walker) vs Boyland

June vs Pan

Brody vs Magic Brian

Garfield the Deals Warlock vs John

Leon the Artificer vs Carey Fangbattle

Mavis vs Killian

Maureen Miller vs Julia Burnsides

Jess the Beheader vs NO-3113

[kipperlillyforpresident]

further proof for oisín as lup in the seven birds au: i can see him so clearly in my mind doing the greg grimaldis bit. i think oisín would find it really funny to joke anout when people owe him money no matter who they are. it could Ivy who owes him money and every conversation he holds it over her. they could be having an unrelated conversation and shes talking about something crazy she heard and oisíns nodding along patiently and listening intently until she's done and he's just lime. "yeah that's really crazy. thanks for telling me. You know what else is crazy? Six months ago I gave you $3 because you wanted to buy a cute keychain at the mall and forgot your wallet in the car." he doesnt care about getting paid back i actually think he would drop anything to pay for somwthing for his friends, he just thinks its funny to never let go of the most miniscule amounts of money. you understand

when i have more spoons i would LOVE to reach out and talk with you more about this because you have a very beautiful and true mind on this matter. you understand the vision.

anyway this is totally true. its also funny bc in this au he isnt even really a nepo baby anymore bc he's. stuck in a space timeloop apocalypse. he doesnt have access to grandmas money anymore. so hes like. so annoying about it and ivy is like "okay rich kid" and hes like "IM NOT RICH ANYMORE!! AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!""