#great deal of typos srry

[ofbreathandflame-archive]

Mor is “Lying by Omission” and not Nesta when she lies to those men she was sleeping around with about her virginity? Nesta stans and y’all constant contradictions and stupid talking points

alright — you only come up with a response like this if you’ve fundamentally misunderstood what the problem is here.

(1) i think its an argument that can absolutely be made -- and considering sjm's writing history, i think we can at least draw parallels. i don't know you sent this as a gotcha -- the whole point im making is that writing that does into these characters is a consequence of sjm not writing them with care. that means that all of the characters fall consequence to the shitty writing. if you believe so -- then sure, make the argument. the problem is that the issues outside of the characters are being exploited. i really do dislike the the theme in her stories of people withholding pivitol pieces of information from people under the guise of love.

(2) the situation you're referencing isn't quite the same thing. not for the argument i was making, at least. first cassian immediately stops having sex with mor when he realizes what happened -- that in itself displays the difference between these two situation.

nesta doesn’t owe her sexual partners a summary of her sexual history. she’s just having a one night stand. second, the circumstances around nesta having sex aren’t being altered. the fear is centered around cassian finding out -- which means nothing because as of that point in the story, nesta has vehemently expressed no interest in cassian. nesta isn’t lying about being engaged to cassian, she isn’t specifically having sex with someone with the intent to accomplish something else. but in theory, if you wanted to make the argument, there’s definitely room to make it. morrigan specifically chooses cassian bc she wanted to lie down with "the greatest" which definitely a conversation for another day. she does choose him though -- to make a point to her family. which IS complex and NOT bad writing inherently. does mor owe cass a summary about her sexual history? - no. the problem isn't the virginity, its the lying. inherently the virginity thing isn't bad; but the story goes to great lengths to reiterate that this situation specifically enormous. AGAIN cassian IMMEDIATELY stops having sex with mor once he realizes she lied. he immediately recognizes the problem. he would not have even had sex with had he known the reality of the situation:

he’d done it, and regretted it at that very first thrust, when he’d felt her maidenhead yield to him, and realized the enormity of what she’d done

(3) the point isn’t that mor isn’t a victim, or that her situation isn’t worthy of empathy. the problem at hand a purely a writing problem. that’s really the point. the situation is (at the very least) complex. morrigan situation is complex and of intrigue. the problem is that the writing doesn't hold these issues to be dear enough to write with care.

(4) morrigan is badly written because she is constantly thrown away and minimized by the writing. huge swathes of people literally left the fandom because of how badly conceptualized more became after acomaf (subjective ofc - but this has been an issue in the fandom since the release of acowar).

(5) i just want the issues to properly acknowledged, i don't quite care about the feelings for the characters, i just think that sometimes people should take a step back and understand the concepts behind the characters. esp bc earlier in that thread people were literally justifying tamlin's abuse of lucien bc they argued that his actions during his abuse negated any ideas of victimhood, and that feyre is allowed to get her 'deserts' by having tamlin beat the hell out of lucien. like the argument being presented wasn't consistent and it just fell into abuse apologism. which is...definitely not conscious, thoughtful scholarship.

[baroquebucky]

comfort

bucky always found comfort in steve, but he’s gone now. who will he turn to for comfort now?

word count: 3.1k

masterlist

a/n: hi bffs !! thank you anon for requesting this <3 just angst and fluff (and endgame steve >:[) !! let me know what you guys think :] (srry for any typos)

“this is bucky!” steve smiled at you happily, you were Steve’s neighbor, always lending him a helping hand when he needed it and giving him emotional support and encouragement that would last him a life time.

“nice to finally meet you! I’ve heard lots ‘bout you” you smiled, sticking your hand out and bucky reluctantly shook it. “why don’t you guys come in for a bit? I’m making some pasta and i put way too much” you grinned, watching as bucky and steve looked at each other, having a whole conversation silently before Steve spoke up again.

“we’d love to” he grinned, pulling bucky inside your apartment with him before you closed the door. Bucky took in your apartment, it was somewhat messy, but it a nice way, a live in sort of way. You had plants all along your windowsill and a basket full on blankets near your couch, books along the shelf with a couple other things and pictures all over the place.

“hope you guys like chicken Alfredo” you smiled, checking the pasta before deciding it was good enough and scooping some out onto three plates

“bucky i have a serious question for you” you spoke as you set the three plates down on the dinner table, smiling at steve as he thanked you.

“oh, okay” bucky mumbled, shifting in his seat and heart racing. You were gonna ask him about his time as the winter soldier weren’t you? You were going to judge him for everything he’d done.

“what animal do you think you can take in a fight?” You spoke seriously, looking at him as you set his plate down.

That’s it? What animal he could fight?

“what?” He asked, confused as to why you were asking him this. Surely this was some test? Maybe it was code for something, if he answered a specific animal then it proved he was a good person.

Steve groaned as you asked the question and you scowled at him, hitting him softly as you passed by him and to the kitchen to get some water for the three on you.

“what animal do you think you could beat if it was just hand to hand combat?” You looked at him, studying his features and quickly taking in the fact that he was in fact the most breathtaking man on earth.

Bucky looked at steve who let out a sigh.

“you should answer now, she asked me that a couple days ago and we talked about it for almost an hour” steve smiled, reminiscing on the way you even made him coffee so he could stay until the end of your discussion.

“uh, i mean, well i guess I’m a super soldier so- i don’t know i don’t wanna fight any of them” he spoke warily, looking at you nervously and watching the way you narrowed your eyes at him before your face softened, breaking into a wide smile and nodding your head proudly.

“James barnes i think you and i are going to get along just fine” you smiled, taking in the way his eyes lit up just a tad at your words.

Steve smiled at the way bucky sat a little straighter, loosening up a bit and warming up to you little by little. He wanted him to have someone to turn to, he wanted him to have you like steve did, someone he knew he could always rely on.

After the whole Blip went down and everything was back to normal bucky found himself lost at times, wandering the streets in seek of comfort. He was left alone in the world with nothing left from his old life.

Steve had only been gone for a couple of days and he already felt horrible. He had no one to turn to, no one to lean on. He was alone.

He tried finding solace in sleep, wishing that his mind would whisk him away to be happy in his dreams. His attempts were fruitless, all he managed to do was toss and turn, his mind racing and never relaxing enough to fully sleep.

The small moments he did manage to sleep he awake in a cold sweat, nightmares plaguing his mind, his memories rushing to him alongside the pain and thoughts that has recently set in after steve left.

Bucky sat on couch of his apartment, it was silent as the sounds of the city were muffled through the walls, rain gently hitting his windows. He so badly wanted to just break down and cry, to have someone tell him everything would be okay, to comfort him and remind him that he wasn’t alone even with steve gone.

Bucky scrolled through his contacts, vision blurred with tears as he searched helplessly for someone he could go to. As he scrolled through his contacts he found you, when had he put it there?

He clicked on your name and sure enough, there was a picture of you smiling brightly with steve, a note written under your contact information.

buck, y/n helped me get through everything, theyre sweet and caring and kind, please talk to them if you ever need anyone i promise you they can help - steve

Bucky let out a shaky breath as he read the note steve had left. When did he even get ahold of his phone? Buckys mind was racing, he wiped his tears and locked his phone. He would be fine, he didn’t need anyone to help him.

As the day progressed bucky felt the pain in his chest growing with each breath, tears threatening to spill out any moment. He was frustrated that the feelings wouldn’t just go away, it was persistent and nagging at him every minute of the day as he tried to push it away.

Maybe if i take a walk it’ll clear my mind, bucky reasoned, throwing on a jacket and heading out, there was only a very light drizzle as he walked aimlessly, trying everything to get his mind off the emptiness he felt in his heart.

Was he not good enough for him to stay? Was everything bucky had done, too much for steve? Why would he leave him so abruptly? After everything he just left him with no hesitation.

Bucky tried to shake away the thoughts but they grew louder and louder, tears stinging at his eyes and he decided he’d had enough.

Bucky stopped in his tracks, taking note of where he was and recalling the path he and steve had taken the first time they visited you, he let his mind wander, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop it.

By the time he reached your apartment he wanted to turn around and leave. Did you even live here still? We’re you even home? It wasn’t a good idea, he should deal with it by himself.

Bucky was about to turn to leave when you opened the door, dressed up with bright red lipstick on. Oh wow you were stunning, bucky thought as he turned around to face you.

“bucky?” You asked, looking at the man before smiling widely, “bucky! oh wow hi!” You grinned, not hesitating to pull him in for a hug and squeezing him tightly. As you pulled away you noticed his red eyes and the frown on his face. Your smile quickly disappeared when you saw the way he tried to hide the tear stains, looking down at his shoes.

“oh james what’s wrong?” You spoke softly, grabbing his wrist gently and pulling him into your apartment, he looked up quickly. It was still the same, it was just as homey as he remembered it.

You led him to the couch, quickly bringing over the basket of blankets and letting him choose whichever one he wanted, smiling as he picked the fuzziest of them all.

“good choice” you softly spoke, grabbing a blanket for yourself and setting it on the couch next to him.

“do you want anything to drink, i have coffee, hot chocolate, water and maybe some apple juice” you smile fondly at the man on your couch and he thought for a second before replying.

“can- do you think i can have a hot chocolate” he spoke softly, “please” the tone of his voice made your heart clench and you wanted to just hold him, but you knew he didn’t need that just yet, so you just nodded and made his hot chocolate as fast as you could, adding whipped cream and marshmallows and placing it on the table in front of him.

“added extra whipped cream for you” you smiled, slipping your heels off and grabbing your phone, “I’m gonna get changed and I’ll be back out in a second, make yourself at home buck” your smile was warm and sincere and he already found the emptiness fading.

“i have to cancel today I’m really sorry” bucky heard, his super hearing picking up on the conversation you were having. “something came up” your voice was calm. “no i cant just ignore it” your tone shifted, leaning towards annoyance as you continued.

“excuse me for caring about someone other than myself!” You spoke dryly, changing out of your dress and into some sweats and an oversized t shirt. “you know what i think, i think it would be better if you deleted my number and forgot about me actually! i think that’d be great” your voice was cold as you hung up, letting out a sigh before smiling slightly, thank god you didn’t have go through with that date.

As you walked out you noticed bucky getting up, heading towards the door.

“leaving so soon? you barely touched your hot chocolate” you frowned, your voice making bucky turn to look at you, his words died on his tongue when he noticed you were changed.

“you have a date” was all he said and you smiled, shaking your head and pulling him back to the couch with you.

“had” you corrected him, “cancelled on ‘em, didn’t really wanna go” you scrunched your face up as you spoke, sipping some of your hot chocolate before looking at bucky softly.

“got better things to do” you stated, watching the way he slowly warmed up to you, moving his body to face you.

“like what?” He whispered, looking down at the blanket in his lap as he let it lightly.

“like make my bestest friend in the whole world feel better” you answered, not missing a beat as you spoke, looking at him.

Bucky swore his heart was going to beat out of his chest. Never in a million years did he think someone he met a total of three times not so long ago could bring him so much warmth, so much comfort. He didn’t bother hiding the blush on his face, he knew you wouldn’t tease him about it, you were more focused on making him feel better.

“what’s eating at you buck?” You prodded him gently, watching his body language closely for any signs of discomfort. He looked at you before focusing on his hot chocolate, picking it up and taking a small sip.

“good hot chocolate” he mumbled, taking another sip and you smiled, nodding your head silently. Bucky set the mug down again, fiddling with his fingers in his lap. “it’s just-” he began, cutting himself off before he could continue.

“he didn’t say goodbye to you, did he?” His eyes were whirlpools of emotions. You gave him a sad smile, shaking your head.

“no, not really” you spoke, “he kind of hinted at what he was gonna do y’know? didn’t wanna say it out loud so we kind of, i guess just didn’t wanna say it” you mumbled, “made it too real” you smiled at him again, not wanting to make his mood any worse.

“don’t you- how are you so okay with it? I mean it’s just- don’t you feel like if you did more he wouldn’t have left?” Bucky asked, desperation in his eyes.

Everything clicked in your mind instantly. Your stomach fell and your heart broke in your chest, Bucky’s sad eyes and slumped shoulders told you everything you had to know. The way he couldn’t even keep eye contact with you for longer than three seconds, how he fumbled with something when he spoke. You wiped the frown of your face before giving him a reassuring smile, scooting closer to him.

“sometimes i do” you nodded, picking at some fuzz on your blanket, “i do find myself wondering if i had given him different advice throughout the time i knew him if he would’ve made a different choice” you spoke softly, bucky looked at you, watching the way your lips poured slightly.

“I’ll think ‘maybe if i had asked him to stay for dinner one more time’ or if i made him more hot chocolate” you chuckled softly, bucky smiled at your words, sadness filling his chest as he realized how hurt you must be.

“you shouldn’t blame yourself y/n, you did your best” he whispered, clearing his throat before continuing, “i mean you brought him so much comfort and helped him through so much, in the end it was his choice and that’s not on you” he finished, hands shaking slightly. Bucky was silent as you nodded.

“listen to yourself buck” you smiled, placing a hand on his, “it’s not your fault, you did your best, you meant so much to him and you always will” you assured him, squeezing his hand in yours. Bucky was quiet as you gave him soft smiles.

“I didn’t mean me-” he began but you shook your head.

“you were his best friend for his whole life, he talked about you all the time, spent years looking for you to get you back” bucky let out a shaky breath. “You were good enough, you are good enough james.”

The firmness in your voice made bucky look up, your eyes were set and serious. Bucky tried to find any trace of lies, but your words were sincere and settled in his bones like a warm fireplace.

“it’s just- i wish-” his voice cracked and his bottom lip quivered, tears stinging his eyes. He was embarrassed, moving to wipe his tear quickly.

You beat him to it, your hand caressing his cheek and softly wiping away at the tears. You moved you hand to the back of his neck and softly pulled him into you, shaking your arms around him as best you could.

Bucky cried into your shoulder, mumbling incoherent sentences as sobs racked his body. You help him tightly, rubbing his back soothingly and whispering to him it would be okay.

“you’re okay, i got you” you whispered, “I’m here let it out sweets, it’s okay.”

Bucky knew he should feel embarrassed for crying like this, in front of you, someone he barely knew. Your words were too comforting to let him and your presence far too warm to even let him consider leaving you at this moment in time.

You didn’t mind one bit that bucky was crying into your favorite t shirt, you held him tighter, giving him all the time he needed to calm down.

By the time Bucky’s cries had softened to soft hiccups he pulled away from you, eyes red and cheeks tear stained. His nose was pink and he sniffled softly, using the back of his hands to run his eyes.

You silently handed him some tissues, softly letting him know where the bathroom is. He smiled at you softly, getting up from the couch and heading to your restroom. You sat in silence as you waited for bucky to come back, sighing softly to yourself. You closed your eyes for a second, blinking away a couple tears and getting snacks from your pantry, putting on your comfort show and switching to the pilot episode.

Bucky washed his face with cold water, smiling at the fact that your bathroom smelled like eucalyptus. His dried his face and washed his hands, letting out a shaky sigh before looking at himself in the mirror, frowning at how broken he looked. He tore his gaze away and turned off the lights, walking out and seeing you sitting on the couch cross legged.

You smiled up at bucky, patting the seat next to you and moving so he could sit. The couch dipped a little as he sat down, grabbing the blanket and bundling it in his lap.

“when I’m upset i watch this show, it always cheers me up” you spoke to him gently, “that is if you aren’t leaving, i don’t wanna hold you hostage or anything” you chuckled and bucky smiled at you, laughing softly.

“no i- do you think i can stay a bit longer?” He asked and you nodded, linking your arms together and pulling each other closer.

“you can stay for however long you want” bucky felt his heart grow in his chest, how could you be so warm and welcoming to him? He didn’t question it for long though, your dazzling smile and sparkling eyes cleared his mind.

“ready?” You smiled and he nodded, watching as you hurried to press play, adjusting the volume and grinning as the show began.

Bucky couldn’t help but steal glances at you, smiling at how you mouthed the lines, offering him snacks if he hadn’t touched them in a while, constantly making sure he was okay.

Relaxation. He finally felt relaxed, his jaw was unclenched and his brows were furrowed, he had a small smile on his face. His muscles were relaxed as the showed played on your tv, your body heat radiating onto Buckys side.

You looked up to comment on something in the show but quickly stopped when you realized bucky had fallen asleep. His eyes were closed and he just looked so soft.

You smiled as you looked at him, moving some pillows quietly so you wouldn’t wake him. You helped him lay down and set the blanket on top of him, telling him to go back to sleep when he stirred slightly. For the first time since steve had left Buckys slept peacefully. He found comfort and assurance with you.

Steve was always looking out for bucky, always saying that he had to pay him back for all those fights bucky saved him from in the 40’s. Steve helped him get out of hydra, helped him get his mind back.

Bucky smiled at you as you pet alpine in your lap, dozing off as you struggled to stay awake before finally giving into sleep. He picked you up swiftly, tucking you into bed like you had done with him nearly a year ago. He kissed your forehead gently before sliding into bed next to you, falling asleep quickly with you by his side.

Now even after he was gone, he was helping him heal. And for that, he was forever grateful.

[yourcutelittlegayfriend]

Fight for Love

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Sett x Fem! reader

part 2

*warning small fight with small violence*

Masterlist

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After closing the deal between you and the yordle, he led you to where the fight is.

While walking your friend turned to you and said.

"You know you don't exactly have to fight, we can find another ways that don't involve you fighting to buy supplies ya know." They said a worried tone laced in their voice.

"Don't worry buddy I got this and I want to fight anyway it's been a long time since I get to punch someone in the face, Ezreal's face was too soft anyway." You said re-assuring them.

"Ok but you have to promise me that you won't get hurt to much." They said knowing it's gonna be hard convincing you to change your mind.

"Don't worry I won't." You lied knowing Pit fights doesn't always end well.

Walking around the busy streets of Noxus hearing the loud voices of vendors yelling their merchandise, a couple of beggars here and there but a few alleys past by you started seeing more people looking shady, wearing cloaks or heavy metal/leather clothes with weapons in their person if you look close enough.

Suddenly you came across a large clearing with a large wall in the center with a gigantic metal gate as the entrance that was heavily guarded by two armored man holding Large axes instead of spears back in Demacia.

Kled turned to the both of you and said to wait while he talks to the guards.

You both comply and watch him as he started screaming his ass off to their faces your friend continued to look at him while you look around, you can see people looking at Kled and whispered to each other.

'he must be famous or something.' you thought.

Looking at the wall you can faintly hear over the wall screams and cheers, it made you so curious to know what's happening inside that you closed your eyes and opened your secret sense.

your ears followed the sound, disregarding Kled scratchy voice, the guards grumbling and the people around you and continued through a small crack on the metal gate.

From what you can hear your mind traced images of people shouting inside and heard clashing of metals that caught your interest as figures who looked like they were fighting was draw in your mind.

You had this ability ever since you were a toddler you called it Visions you mostly used this when you find yourself in a pickle or when you get chased by Demacian Soldiers, (friend's name) said that it wasn't magic they said you were using echo-location or something like following sounds and all that.

Opening you eyes you smiled feeling excited to what's to come, (friend's name) turned to you.

"So what did you saw?." They ask.

"Alot of fighting, maybe blood and also more fighting." you smirk at them.

"Yeah you're in your element alright." they deadpanned at you before shaking their head.

"Hey girly the fights inside! Let's go." you hear Kled scream at you and you see the Metal gate raising up behind it was a long pathway leading inside.

"We're coming!." (Friend's name) screamed back getting a bit irritated.

the two of you walk towards him and proceed to enter not minding the stares of the two guards give to you.

After entering the Metal gate slam down making the torches on the wall the only light source, walking for a few seconds you see a small entrance with a light shining through it and you can also hear the shouts of the people getting louder and louder as you near the entrance.

Passing through it the light blinded you for a moment before you eyes gotten used to it was the moment your eyes widen and your mind gathering everything.

It was a large arena with alot of people sitting or standing on the stands screaming and cheering with their might towards the platform in the center.

You see two large build man fighting against each other with their sword and axe clash together, you can also hear the grunts thanks to your hearing.

"Well that's a bit violent." your friend mumbled.

"That's the point dum-dum." you answered.

After a bit Kled ordered you to stay at the stands before leaving the two of you disappearing somewhere with Skaarl.

watching as the two men fight before suddenly the baldman with an axe bash his head on his opponent making them lose their composition using that chance he kick them in the stomach making his enemy lay on his back as he didn't hesitate to put his axe in their shoulder.

You can hear the man's screams of pain but it was easily cover up by the people's screams of glee around you as if violence was a common entertainment for them.

"Well that's something, they allowed weapons now, nice." you commented.

"Seriously?." (Friend's names) remarked at you but seeing your face emotionless they didn't add more and leave you be.

"LADIES AND GENTELMAN YOUR WINNER!! AGUL THE SLAYER!!!." a man on a more smaller platform on the side of the stands shouted on the top of his lungs announcing the Victor of the fight.

"DO YOU WANT MORE!!!!." he screams with his arms opened as people chanted 'MORE' or 'YES'. While Agul the 'slayer' motioned the people to yell more too while the poor man who lose got drag to another entrance from to opposite side from where we came in.

"NOW WHO WANTS TO CHALLENGE THE GREAT A- huh?." The man who you believe is the host was pulled down by someone as the waist height wall covered the person, the two spoke in hushed tone well to you it was but for the others they didn't hear anything.

"Huh!? You sure-?." But he was cut off by a scratchy voice.

"YES NOW SHUT IT BOY!." the voice you guess was Kled and you also recognize the hat popping out on top of the wall.

"ok you got it a deal." he stood up straighten his clothes and you see Kled rose up with the help of Skaarl and see him wave to you.

"What was that?." (Friend's name) ask confused by the sudden commotion.

"Kled happened." you blunty said still looking at the one eyed yordle with your left eye brow raised.

"Oh".

"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE ARE OWN VERY FIRST VOLUNTEER OF THE DAY THAT IS ALSO PERSONALLY SUGGEST BY KLED THE CANTANKEROUS CAVALIER." He announce before continuing.

"(Y/N)!!!!." He finishes dramatically.

people murmured around you looking for the person named (Y/N).

sighing in irritation before standing up and going down a few stairs before jumping to stand on top the wall that seperates the battle ground and the stands where people can watch in a safe distance.

You raise your hand looking bored as you show yourself to the people, you can hear them talking about how your gonna lose or wondered if you can actually fight but you didn't care you were used to people trash talking to you anyway.

"OH! A LADY HOW EXCITING LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT!! PLEASE ENTER THE BATTLE AREA AND SHOW US A GOOD FIGHT!!." he scream more along with the people.

you scoff and said to yourself.

"Oh I'll give you the show you'll never forget." you smiled before jumping down and landing on the ground with no problem before walking calmly to the cement covered sand where Agul stands menacingly.

"Hehe your think you can beat me little girl? why don't you just run away and play somewhere else you don't have a chance in this fight". He taunt you as people chant his name and not yours but you know your friend is rooting for you.

"Oh I don't 'think' I can beat you." you smiled at him while he laughs at you as his pride grew more.

"Cuz I 'know' I can beat you ,now let's cut this sweet talk and fight I'm getting a bit bored." you finished with a fake yawn.

He glares at you and grips his axe before throwing it aside.

"I'll make it fair for you then." he smirks.

"Oh! What a gentleman!." You giggle before frowning.

"but you might wanna need it." you said.

He growl before running towards you his large feet stomping the ground feeling it shake under your bare feet.

"This is gonna be fun" you smirk.

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Just like the first part pls visit Lol's website to support them and Lol isn't mine the champions the plots etc but the story is mine.

I hope you enjoy this😘

EDITED: 01/18/20 I found some typo and fix them a bit srry.

[spacephant0m]

cw for personal talk about religion/spirituality and trying to find myself. Srry for typos

I’m in my room on the verge of tears and switching between crying and having a blank stare, watching brendon’s livestream on my ipad while i type this. I’m trying to study witchcraft to some extent as I’ve never really read much of anything about it before. Specifically I was reading about christian witches. Now the thing is like, i grew up as a christian. And nowadays i still believe in God definitely, but i hate christian practices. I remember reading and studying world religions in college last year and absolutely loving it and being so sad because i never experienced such practices in my own faith that actually seemed..... like, fun, and super connective. Me bawling my eyes out at church camp and being “lost” was not exactly what i originally thought it was. I was just mentally ill and didnt know it. Deep down i always knew i had a connection with God that wasnt faltering over silly shit a kid does wrong. Kid sins. Whatever the fuck. As much as i fucken prayed and asked for forgiveness, i was fine. Christianity is always a race to be closer to God and its like.... how close can i get when im doing the same fucking exact practices over and over.... they never really taught us about meditation and becoming one with your surroundings and idk, letting your spirit free. They kind of talked about it sometimes.

But i just hate the entire setup of church. I miss the family aspect so much. Thats all i miss. I miss bible study but really i just miss the points where we talked about life. Thats usually what we did, we would have an entire lesson setup and it would become totally derailed by our conversations. And it was real and i had a sense of community that i cant get anywhere else. I havent been able to find it anywhere else. But i also miss my personal sense of spirituality. I love that word and i love that it has so many encapsulating meanings. I dont wanna be like a white man self acclaimed guru who’s like read this book it’ll help you change your life....... i feel like those guys really appropriate culture and commercialize it. Its kinda gross. I try not to associate myself with that idea but every time i think about meditating more and shit im like “ew im gonna be a gross white guy whos all at peace w himself and lives in the mountains and shit” AND IT MAKES ME MAD. I’m having a beer right now instead of a cup of tea. Probably a mistake. Tea helps me feel better but im filling my body w shit at the moment bc thats what happens when i get this sad.

Anyways i really hate the idea of practicing a religion. I made a post before asking for sort of an advice on this, like was it okay for me to like witchy things and not actually be one. I was told yes its totally okay. And im not disrespectful of anyone and i dont make fun of any religion. I just persoaally cannot see myself involved with having an actual religion. I dont even consider myself christian so how could i ever proclaim myself as a christian witch, idk.

I dont want to label myself at all. Maybe i dont need any of this. Maybe i just need to play dnd and live vicariously thru my character. Use that shit as therapy. I hear it helps a lot with mental health and social skills. That of which i am verily lacking. I’m just hurting and im pissed off. I dont know why exactly. I just want to do meditation and i wanna buy my crystals and start doing yoga again. This year i have been stretching more. Actually i started on the first of feb. i stretch every day and do vocal exercises to help my voice get more control and deepen it a bit (transmasc).

I am also just a bit overwhelmed at everything. I dont know where to start. All i know is i want to burn incense like i used to growing up bc it always made me happy. And that i only believe in like..... cleansing through these elements and a prayer to God. But i’ve always had faith issues because im so insecure, i never think God will actually help me because maybe i dont deserve it or maybe he just doesnt want to.

I’m also scared im gonna do something wrong or fuck something up. That something bad will happen or something because im dumb. I dont know if i could mix my own herbs that feel right to me, or if i should use a recipe. I feel stupid that i dont have as much faith in prayer as i wish i did, but i have faith that little rocks will help to cleanse negative energy and things like that.

I dont know why im crying, i guess because im so insecure? Or maybe life is just rly hard and i’m overthinking everything. I just feel kinda bad. Yet when my friends tell me theyre praying for me, i do have faith in that and it means the world to me.

I know none of this is a big deal to anyone, and maybe none of it should matter. But im like. Idk. Im very interested in plants and medicines of the earth and shit like i always have been ever since i was young i thought of myself as like. Awakened and shit LOL whatever that means @ 10 year old me. I dont want to feel like anything controls me or owns me, i want to feel like i am in control of my own life and that i could harness the energy around me to not only like bring me peace of mind but to help me through my journey of life.

But i guess my biggest issue is i have no fuckin clue where to start. I hate reading and all this research im trying to do to help myself figure out what i enjoy is just. Making me so fucken overwhelmed. I only read like. 1 blog post and 2 articles and im already losing it. I always grew up w the mindset that God will take care of everything but like. He already has. In my mind. Because he’s already given us all the tools we need. But folks just like. Wanna be lazy and wait for things to happen. Sometimes all u can do is wait but when it comes to like, being THE ONES IN CONTROL, “prayers for america” is dumb as fck.

Idk i dont know anything and its okay to not know right now but i want something more in my life but i want it to be like.... totally personal and i dont want it to be absolutely everything my life revolves around. I want it to just be something i do and that i love. I dont need a label for it. But idk. I just dont know what to do.

If anyone has any sort of advice or is dealing with anything like this i’d love to hear about it. My ask and msgs are open as well. I feel pretty alone right now. Im just patiently waiting for my paycheck tomorrow so i can buy these crystals i rly want. But who knows what it will take to satisfy my hungry soul.

Another problem i rly have honestly is just like. Spending a lot of money on a lot of hobbies. I feel shitty for having so many things i enjoy doing. I try to narrow it down. I havent started embroidery bc i dont wanna spend more money and i feel like i’ll never have enough time to practice. Im just. Mediocre at a lot of things instead of rly super good at one thing. I mean i think im pretty great at drawing but thats about it. But ive been doing that for 10 years so ofc im good at it NOW. But ffs. I wanna do so many things and its overwhelming. I work a minimum wage job and its. I dont have enough money for anything lol so most of my stuff is low-budge† which is fine i guess but. Idk. Im tired. Im sad.

I dont know how to be more spiritual i dont know where to start. And my mind is telling me to slap a label on it or its not anything of value. Which is bullshit. But y’know. Anxiety n shit.