#gotta go to the doctors. i really dont want to lol

[kindred-spirit-93]

secret third thing: stress

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Astro Observations Pt.. ????

No, I cant keep up with the number. Lol. Lets go!

7th house placements def need to pick a side. They also need to put their foot down. Never let people who disrespect you back in. And if you're going to cut off one person for doing it, you gotta do it with everyone else. Just cause they relationship is long term doesn't mean much.

10th house placements need to focus on the things they truly love vs always digging into what they need to do for their career. Worry less about your ambitions from time to time and enjoy the flow. I know ti sucks but, you gotta relax a little.

Sun/Pluto placements can have a lot of rebirth experiences, but one thing that is important is their for growth. Which always seems to come through transformation, but not all the time. It comes through people, and the expression of being around people who love you. Thats what transform them the most. They need the world to truly see them for who they are, other wise they will only show one side of them, and that will ultimately be the version they transform into but it will only kill them from the inside and not benefit them.

Venus/Neptune placements have an inkling for romanticism, fantasy and philosophy in their relationships. They need something that makes them breathe words of enlightenment, purity and emotion. They have the tendency to make things seem more than what they are, rose colored glasses are no match for them at times. A little insight on them is that their emotions can go a little array when they aren't surrounded by the right people. They tend to suck in energy like a sponge, this is neptune energy. But with them you can notice a small difference between them and their lovers, like is it making them glow or is it draining? Thats what they need to ask themselves at times.

Jupiter in the 11th house can proudly be the most optimistic friend in the group. They could become the leader of an organization. They could be the one people come to for advice on certain matters or they could easily be someone people go to when they want to learn more about something. Very charismatic and sharp. Stern but sweet. A little rough around the edges but they get things done!

5th house Suns have a universe of emotions that express themselves in all types of ways. They'll have kids that are just as sweet & charismatic as them. They are a NATURAL at making people laugh! They normally have gorgeous spirits and people do enjoy their company.

Gemini placements have an alluring nature to them due to their minds. Their mysticism is through the art of words and are very tricky individuals. They have come here to master the mind and find ways to fully express their intellect in hopes to connect with as many as possible. They are a one of one when it comes to this area of life.

Moon in the 1st are seen as thoughtful, loving sweet creatures who everyone seems to be super fond of. They hide a lot of their emotions but sometimes we can tell when they're not okay.

Theres just something about them that brightens a persons day. They try to make a good example to others by the why they embrace their feelings and this usually inspires others to do the same.

Sun square neptune - Might be in the wrong crowd from time to time. Has to stay sober most of the time, getting into drugs and alcohol can be addictive and might not be worth it at times. Genuinely misunderstood. Might need a doctor to figure out why they act the way that they do (all jokes).

Very spiritual, this is contained tho. They dont really open up to people about religion or anything connected to spirituality/God. Its their own thing, and its very special/private to them.

Moon/Uranus placements - Needs a doctor. Okay im joking lol. Anyways their lucky to have this one because their minds are very capable of entering into mass amounts of information that is truly locked away from the rest of the world. Like their neptune friends, they have a connection to divine sources that strikes down to them from time to time almost like a brain blast. Could be a oracle, psychic, someone who just knows whats going to happen in the next years to come etc. Could be really creative too.

4th house placements can be friends you can depend on all of the time. They have a warm, soothing personality and their the type of friends you grow up into adulthood with.

[bulletproofthroat]

i feel like a parrot just reiterating the amount of times ive had to tell people im fucking unwell and the fact my manic episodes are as volatile as an ipad kid getting their ipad taken off

yh ya girl tried to kill herself but instead did the next best thing and put some cuts in her arm, i cba being all soft im being cut throat w yall rn, ya dont like it then fuck off my page LOLL

anyway yeah, edgy scary painting because im mentally ill and im bipolar and im kanye west wowww omg😡😡😱😱

im js gonna vent yall dont gotta read shit im js tryina air ts out LOLL

so like im really fucking tired of people expecting me to do shit the way they wanna, like i deadass open up ab my vulnerable NPD to someone, and they then have the gall to say that theyre scared of me LOL and then theyll compare me to their ex or sm shit??? like sorry why?? i could go into it but id be sat here til 2am. secondly, this same retard has the cheek to tell me because i was manic, i was basically acting as an edgy 13 yr old when it came to me cutting myself, because believe it or not, i found it amusing, not in the sense im some corny tiktok cosplayer tryina be tough, but in the sense that im fucking cooked in the psyche. i think the added flavours of my trillion other disorders make my bipolar 8x worse because when im manic everything fluctuates, impulsivity, especially when my bpd comes into play, my mood switches rapidly, i have outbursts, im a reckless person i seek attention and gratitude off others, its a whole fuckin thing

yh, anyway, and what really pmo is that when im fuckin venting to someone they then have the gall, the hutzpah to be talking ab their own shit like sorry idgaf?? did i fuckin ask bro LOL like this is about me why are we skewing the conversation to you, if i wanted to talk about you then i would've mentioned you (which is highly unlikely) and the fact that theres people that love to fucking question my choices and act like im under the influence of drugs or pure stupidity, they can go fuck themselves icl bc yall js pmo.. ive been practically screaming at my doctor begging for a bipolar assessment because god forbid england ever gives 2 shits ab people with bipolar disorder. like how fucking hard is it to be medicated for bipolar??? and what pissed me off even more is that i was refused a psychosis diagnosis because my symptoms werent and i quote "psychotic enough" so youre telling me i still have prevailing psychotic symptoms but because theyre not fucking extreme i cant? i mean fine, but jesus christ its the constant back and fourth, and what im basically getting at is that im basically bipolar with psychotic symptoms.

and the fact im still fucking raw dogging life says enough. yeah ong icl idk if im gonna be living til 20 or sm shi, and i cba wassing any further ab it LMFAO

[the-sonic-crew]

hi ! i love looking at this blog, it always brightens my day !! <3

having said that, im having a hard time staying super positive right now (very unlike me, im usually the guy cheerin ppl up haha). after 5 years of mysteriously increasing pain, i finally got diagnosed with hypermobile Ehler's Danlos Syndrome, minor Scoliosis, Chronic Fatigue, possible MCAS and possible POTS.

which, hooray that i finally got a diagnosis ! it was a big step for me, as medical trauma keeps me from going to the doctor more often than not, so im glad i got that out of the way !

but, because there is so little research done on EDS, there isn't much i can do treatment wise; just kind of, finding ways to manage it ? i have physical therapy scheduled 6 months out, but even then my doctor says it has mixed results.

ive had to start using a cane again, and the pitying looks and questions i get from people make it so much worse. it really kills me knowing that everything hurts and there's nothing i can do about it. i love running, and i just want to run again.

if you wouldnt mind, do you guys have any advice or kind words ? im not usually one to ask, but it's rough times lol, and i figured id give it a shot. my favs are metal sonic, sonic, and shadow, but anyone can answer

...and could i possibly get a hug ?

(sorry to make this my first ask, its a bit of a downer, im not usually this depressing i promise ! but feel free not to answer, i completely understand if you dont and i hope you are having a wonderful timezone <3 )

"HELLO. SORRY YOU GOING THROUGH THIS. I NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND, NOT PROGRAMMED. BUT I CAN EMPATHIZE. REMEMBER YOU LOVED, STRONG, EVEN IF NOT FEEL. WISH YOU BEST LUCK" Metal gives you a hug and pats your head

Hiya kid! It sucks what you're goin' through, I wish I could take the pain away. I hope PT goes well for you, I do physical therapy since I get hurt a lot during adventures, and it helps a lot! I'm holding out hope that you'll feel better. Also, hey, canes are pretty badass. You've got this kid! Life is tryna throw you off course, but you gotta kick it's ass and get back up again when it kicks you down. He hugs you tightly I believe in ya!

Hey, kid. I'm sorry you're dealing with all'a this. I don't really have much advice, but please remember how loved you are. You're braver than most humans and Mobians and I'm genuinely proud of you. You're still alive and that's the best thing you can do for yourself right now. You're very strong. He holds you close

/mod undercut/

Hi there!! A few things (nothing bad!! ^^)

You never have to apologize for any ask being "depressing" or "sad". I genuinely don't mind and if you just need to vent I'm happy you feel safe enough t do so here

I would never leave an ask unanswered if someone genuinely needs comfort/advice/etc.

I hope you know how strong you are, I don't pity you since it seems like that's not what you need, but you're genuinely so strong and loved. Stay tough <3

And in case you wanted a hug from me too, here :) hugs

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

Rogue thoughts and reactions--->

not taking many notes this time cause i wanted to Savour this one tbh and what a blast so far

rogue and doctor so far is like. rtd striking gold potentially here (i kno he didnt write this one i mean more like. in the long run. i could see fans going crazy over this Type of ship and spending sweet $$$$ on it lol).

ruby looking at this "scene" like it's a tv show��……. live…….. honey u best believe in ghost stories hyper post-modern genre tv show seasons cause u are in one

cushy… wordsmiths-ing count…

"ruby: you know how i forget about a man?" with a woman? (shot)

the parallel of these guys "dishonoring" these ppl while the doc and ruby do kind of the same all the time sdkflj

mmm second time i see a triangle logo (it was there last ep on the door to the MEP area that lindsey and rickey ran into. camera held on suspiciously long on it…) (triangles…. three…. susan TRIAD???)

doctor this says you're single and available. oh another word. "very" available.

COME ON ACE WE HAVE WORK TO DO

"wow" boner dialogue

mention of gallifrey.... "i might take you one day" oh man. oh man………..

"random barren dimension" yes this is not an equivalent to a silent confinement analogue at all don't think about it too hard guys

"i lost everyone"

they're leaning on……………. oh yaz just broke a coffee mug somewhere

maybe the real enemy was fandom all along

THOSE TV SIGNALS BEAM OUT ACROSS THE STARS. TV SIGNALS. TV SIGNALS. TV ISNGALS TV

SIGNASLKDJASLKDJASKLJ1!!SKLFDJDSLKJFSDLK JF SHUT UPTJSDLFKSDJ (i die)

ok im enjoying The Concept a lot, as expected…….. but gotta say rogue does feel a bit two dimensional so far :/ (maybe even a bit cliche?) i feel jack in his first ep had more depth at first for example (bounty hunter but also lost his memory. doing amoral things but being swayed by the doctor at the end. etc). but there's time THERE'S TIME. DONT LE TME DOWN EPISODE PLEA SE. there's always a twist-

you people and your bridgetons. in my time this would all be a big ass downtown abbey reference

sad thing is this is def one episode i wont be able to watch with my homophobic parents at all oof lmao

this dialogue.... kinda thoschei acadamy years coded ngl

"tell me what your heart wants or i shall turn my back on your forever" defining 15 character dialogue……….

(commitment phobe doctor moment. my girl hastn changed at ALL) (btw intrigued by rogue's "i lost them" bc it could mean a lot right. it's the most delibarely ambiguous of pronouns dklfjsd like it could be a nonbinary character but could also be a couple characters? or maybe im reading it wrong sdlkjf)

play our games on a magnificent scale…………… games motif……….

"i thought i was interesting- but you??" exactly!!! doctor who>>>>>>>> bridgerton/all other tv shows. case made.

god i feel so stupid. i dint catch that twist at all TOT

wedding season finale. chuldur's know where it's at.

oh finally there's the scene from the trailers!!!!!!!!!

"how long do they live for?" oh he's gonna says A Thing "thats a long time to suffer" I WASN'T WRONG /GOES FERAL ( i knew the family of blood coding was leading somewhere…)

the doctor beatiing these cosplayers with his "i object" tv tropyness……….. the meta of it……… theory gang we're gonna make it yet i swear

ok yes this is sad poor ruby but like. but literally last month 14 killed/sacrificed donna w/o sm hesitation so sdklfjdsklfjsdklfj (yes im still like. HEY THAT WAS A SIGNIFICANT THING THAT HAPPENED. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT IT.)

oh is rogue a chuldur as well? he feels too invested in the trolley problem of it all sdlkfj

im gonna say it.... i thought that resolution was kinda........ as the kids say..... weak sauce sfkdj

like oh nooo he got teleported oh noooo. like he's gonna be fine slkdfjsd didn't really hit that hard :/ should have had a proper death sacrifice thing.

"im sorry....." "....AAAANYWAY , it is what it is!!!! " my man is so broken holy shit. holy shit.

it's ok to be sad. !!!!! TOT

CONCLUSIONS!!

sdlkjf ya'll i really wanted this to harder but idk i didnt feel the depth or sensibility this called for was there tbh. but it was a blast!!! but … it missed a bit of that x factor thing. like some kind of universality to the romance w/ the rogue. i feel he was too sketched-in.... i was also a bit disappointed that ruby's friend was not her friend bc it meant her whole thing this ep of connecting to that woman was for nothing (and up until that point it was feeling very Important specially after the marti thing) (and speaking of, the chuldur's were kinda very sketched-in / surface-level as villains as well) … yeah. idk. kinda disappointing ngl (diodati > this i think). pretty fucking gay tho so that was nice.

[largetriangles]

been working on this paper most of the day and just sent an email asking for an extension. it was supposed to be due on wed and he made it due on fri to give us more time.

it was due at 5 but the assginment closes at 12. Im gonna submit my in progress doc and then submit the rest later. I dont feel good but this is not new for me so it's not too bad either i guess. Asked to have until the middle of next week as extra time bc i want to redirect my project slightly, which is true. I've got better ideas than what I was doing.

It wouldn't have been fully fixed, but being out of my vynse really fucked me up. like whatever I was hanging out this weekend thats fine. but if i had done any work on monday, tuesday, wednesday, or thursday I would have been fine lol :skull:

but i didnt do anything on monday. I slept in and got my meds which I took 1 of them around 2pm bc thats when I got them which led me to being up kinda late. tuesday I wake up kinda late take my meds at a more normal time but I woke up late enough that I only got a couple things done before Isaac was home and hes more important than doing that stupid ass essay on that day (I had the rest of the week to do it. it's literally fine to not write an essay 4 days in advance). Wednesday. I wake up late -_- and I freak abt another paper for noooo reason once I sent the email he reminded me of a convo we had and I'm literally fine. I do get some work done finding sources yayyy. Then I've gotta go to work and be ready for my momma to get me and go home. not gonna write an essay late at night at my parents house. Thursday (yesterday) I um I. oh right. I woke up super late bc I forgor how dark my room is here. Then I go out on the couch and I open some stuff up but mostly research boxing gyms and watch tv. watched my cousin vinny (vyvanse lets me watch movies?) and called with Doctor (who is Not the fuck you guy shes awesome actually). Then I'm watching tv with momma and then tv with dad. jeez we watch tv. we just always have shows to catch up on together lol. anyway then suddenly its today and I do set alarms and do go to coffee shop to get a decaf drink and work pretty well for a while. but also I had that crying breakdown which did lead to a short panic attack haha. I lock in and get some more done (2 hrs of work) and then I get food for what felt like 15 mins but was 45+ and then i work for another hourish before writing my email asking professor (who is actually the fuck you guy) for an extension. and here i am 30 mins later after god knows what finishing a long tumblr post. OH i messaged dio a little. love that guy

[bibookmerm]

oh I think my 2 year anniversary on hrt just came and went! Like a couple days ago.

I've been trying to figure out how I currently feel about the effects. I never planned to stay on T forever and told my doctor that. Just figured I would know it's right to stop, if I need to, just as much as I knew it was time to start. Right now it feels okay to keep going!So I think I'm gonna see what another 6 months to a year does for me.

I am at a higher dose than when I started, and I want my voice to drop a bit more. (I only increased my dose in December 2023 and started noticing voice changes about a month later.) I can't grow a beard and I dont really want to? Aside from a passing interest of "oh I wonder how I'd look, that would be kind of neat to see" that's not really a transition goal for me. So I'm not holding out for that. Shaving what little hair I have takes 5 seconds and I don't mind. Other body hair is excellent and I have more of it and I'm very happy with it!

I keep having sad dreams about balding?? lol. but havent experienced that yet in reality. My hair is thick as ever and my hairline has changed a little bit, but i wouldnt call it a typically "masculine" hairline...yet. I will cope when my hair does get thinner/sparse even if that is much later with old age, y'know. Like I'll be a bit sad, but that's part of life. I've really tried to be more accepting of all features and body types etc for the sake of being better to others, but it has also resulted in more kindness toward myself.

What's holding me up is... I have a fluctuating idea of what I want. I can't have it all. My body can only be one way. :/

So on one hand, stopping T would make me comfortable, but so would staying on, just in a different way. I have two different body goals that I want in equal measure and can't decide which is my True Transition Goal so. It is what it is.

I have also hardly worked out. I know having elevated T levels helps you build muscle faster *if* you put in the work. I wanna get more serious about calisthenics while I am on HRT. I want to be stronger and more flexible and be able to climb several flights of stairs. I am allergic to the particular social woes that come with using a public gym. (I don't belong in either changing room :/ :/ :/ It is a battle I have no interest in fighting. also my body is. awkward... in a disabled way. on top of all this.) so body weight workouts at home are more realistic. I just gotta do the thing.

I am glad I went on T. It has been an overall positive experience! I will figure out where I'm going eventually and keep working on body acceptance in the meantime. ☆

[cator99]

I've always thought ellen degeneres was chill and cool never understood the hate just always had this fantasy about walking around holding her hand at the west edmonton mall and maybe i convince her to ride on the mindbender yk the one that killed those people back in the day lol i would make her buy me a stuffed animal and then when im feeling tuckered out i lean on her shoulder and "accidentally" call her "mom" and then turn away blushing "s-sorry i meant... Ellen......" and she looks at me with barely-concealed disgust and says "sorry kid i gotta go now- good luck with your cancer im sure it'll be fine you know doctors love to be dramatic and call everything terminal- you want a cig for the road? Ok great and dont lose those receipts! give them to your make-a-wish foundation case manager. Like, straight away. You know what i--- why dont you give me the honors. No really im sure you have a lot going on right now" then she leaves me in the parking lot at night but sure keep being a boring hater tho i guess. you could never get it

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi its guitar anon :) i just gotta vent for a second

so i have tics (dr said its just anxiety but wouldnt listen when i said they happen even when im not anxious) and lately they’ve been getting worse. they’re like muscle jerks really. my entire back will like bend back and my legs will kick and my head will go forward or back (mainly forward). and then sometimes the corners of my lips will go down (if that makes sense?). they drive me crazy and lately they’ve been more often than usual. i feel like others can notice too. i really dont think they’re bc of anxiety but idk what else it could be. and a few times (not many maybe 3 or 4) ive had a “hum” tic where i just go “mm”. i kinda hate the word tic bc i dont want people to think im faking something but thats what my dr calls them.

It's a bit concerning that your doctor isn't like...doing anything about them? Like whether or not they're cause by anxiety, should your doctor not be doing something about it? lol. Anyway, next time you go to your doctor, I would use the words 'negatively affecting my life.' Those words tend to get doctors moving because it means they should treat you in some way.

If the doctor still does nothing, then use the words 'please note in my chart you're not treating me for this.' Again, this holds the doctor accountable.

If they STILL do nothing, then try for a second opinion. But the first two steps tend to do the trick.

Good luck!

[ovaruling]

negative self talk incoming for whoever needs that idek

regular daily update that i regret having my like 99999 cosmetic surgeries so much and i dont even want to put the exhaustive energy into accepting my face and body atp anymore bc they remain utter strangers who i hate

and despite all of the feminist theory i have read and comprehended and applied to the way i see the world i STILL cannot rid myself of this very specific form of self-hatred and im not even being defeatist when i say i truly know that i will never be at peace bc of the choices i have made. like how can i ever be ok with this. i’d have to be lobotomized to be cool with this

and even besides that the chronic physical pain and damage to my actual nervous system won’t allow me a moment of forgetfulness. like on an amazing day where i’m full of caffeine or xanax i can MAYBE forget what i look like for an hour but it’s impossible to forget that i literally cant physically feel my entire torso and abdomen and buttocks and my upper back and my inner thighs and upper arms and underarms and my jaw and cheeks

but also at the same time i can feel incredible levels of stabbing numb shocks of pain in all of them lmfao.

exercising helps for a bit and reminds me that i can at least move my body around but i always gotta come back to reality where i have to confront that i’m genuinely permanently ill and legitimately brain damaged. like neurologically

and bc of that i went from being a normal adult 10 years ago to now i cant hold a job, cant go back and attend school, cant drive a car anymore, need IV treatments weekly, no independence, no ability to even volunteer for longer than an hour at local animal shelters before i start having problems bc i cant explain to anyone why i need to lie down every 2 hours or else i legitimately go numb and pass out no matter how little exertion im doing, no future where i can help the world the way i want to. i cant even read 2 chapters of a fucking favorite book that i LOVE without getting dizzy for no fuckjng reason. i have to REST from reading a fucking BOOK

and doctors are just like “oh well that’s what happens when you fucking almost die two times from elective surgery lol kinda your fault tbh. you really should’ve just accepted how viciously hated by men your body was. but the human body is so mysterious huh!!! like this is crazy dude lmao. 🤪 so yeah here’s a pamphlet for a support group that doesn’t really fit your needs and some medication that won’t work bc we still don’t really know how to diagnose or treat plastic surgery victims like this bc technically you weren’t in a car crash or anything so we don’t really have enough research rn to fully apprehend what’s going on w your mysterious ass. also you had more surgeries than most ppl ever will be stupid enough to undertake so like we have no idea what to do w you lol!!!!!! there isn’t really data that fits your situation but maybe in 30 years 😌”

just in case anyone was wondering if i changed my mind on cosmetic surgery being true evil!!!!!! lol

ok sorry for the pity party i just really am feeling the weight of it all rn

[deadinthename]

Hello father I am here requesting you tell me about 1 of your oc's. Tell me about them. Or Mamon (I think that's how you spell their name? It's been a few years). I want to hear about your ocs. Tell me about your ocs.

uh oh i gotta talk abt my ocs. that i barely think abt. uh oh ummm how about nikita from my apocalypse gang since the maemon has literally nothing going on lol. info under cut

heres some newer refs (months ago) i had for them when my pc was busted

and here are the 1st really old outdated refs (along w their 2 travel buddies)

the lore keeps changing based on what i think would make sense but the basic gist is that niki was formerly a soldier for a private military company (i dont really have a name for em lol), and everyone in it got augmented a lot and put through rigorous training,, the world everyone lives in is almost completely covered in snow bc of. something. nuclear holocaust? apocalypse? idrk yet but somns been wrong with the earth for a long time. bc of that soldiers go through a lot of horrible stuff and i think maybe they fight with other PMCs and stuff for limited resources kinda like in Fallout but thats less important!

niki did somn or other to get kicked out or escape the PMS, and he had to rough it in the cold on his own. electronics break down in extreme temperatures so his augmented leg(s? idk if its one or both rn) sometimes need repairs,, he s abt to stop in an old shack when he finds this doctor (angel, right side) and this teenager thats good with guns (sorrel, left side) in there, and they all decide to travel together for some reason or another. working that out too lmao

nikita's personality is kinda like a tired optimist, like they went through a lot of terrible stuff but they always try to find a way to make the best outta it. very huggable, ver loving. skilled in combat and big in heart... likes fishing and just wants to chill forever

i think. thats it for now

[batsinurbelfrey]

15 QUESTIONS, 15 TAGS

tagged by LA's #1 Boyfriend [gn] @18minutemajor

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYBODY? Not my first name, but my middle name is my grandmother's first.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last night LOL, I got a Very Kind letter in the mail from someone I love very deeply, and I had just had a long and stressful day.

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I always go "no, im not a person that counts pets as kids so i dont" but you know what. With Dai working her way through her FIFTH medical emergency of the year right now, im gonna say Yes. One. costs abt the damn same at this point at least lol

4. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? I DO. but it really depends on the situation, I have a deep fear of hurting someone's feelings who doesn't maybe Know me well enough yet and misreads me etc etc. Basically, the more I come to trust you, the more of a bitch I am. /jjjjjj

5. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? As a kid I played Basketball, Baseball, Soccer [Defence and Goalie depending on the years] , and lacrosse. Soccer was my favorite I loved both positions and liked the coaches too, lacrosse I quit after a month because I was told the girl's team wasn't allowed to play full contact but the boys was and 12yr old me went full fucking protest mode. [which admittedly pissed the city off a bit because I was there on fully paid funding through a like "get poor kids off the streets" initiative fkladjslkgadsgl but-] My dad also tried to spend a summer teaching my brother and I to play tennis at the local rec center so he'd have someone to play with but I hated that too LOL

6. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT SOMEONE? Visually its usually just, whatever's the brightest color [be that like, hair, clothes, tattoos etc] but physically im def always watching for like, "what is their level of physical comfort right now" so i can overthink it and navigate the conversation with that in mind trying to hit all the right dialogue choices for their mood like a crazy person [*Points* GAD/ADHD] /lh

7. EYE COLOUR? Gray [but blue or green in certain lights, due to like color temperature and refraction n' stuff]

8. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings, but ONLY if theres like. a little loss or sacrifice to get there and give it value. "feel good" movies almost always just Annoy me, they feel Empty and Dull. [but its totally fine if they are your jam. we dont yuck yums here]

9. ANY SPECIAL TALENTS? UHHH--- "i dont think so" sounds BAD lol. but maybe like "good at reading people" not in a bad manipulative way. but just in the sense of like. i tend to be the friend ppl come to when upset and confused and i watch and listen and then go "this is why you feel that way" and they are like "OH--- yeah... damn thanks that helps" etc lol

10. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Washington DC! fun fact the hospital was since bulldozed for condos and a trader joes 💀

11. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? drawing, live music, vinyl collecting, embroidery, video games, flower pressing, reading [when i can].

12. DO YOU HAVE PETS? YES < 3

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5' 9 or 5'10 seemingly, depending on which doctor you ask for some reason LOL, probably has to do with my godawful posture

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? ART CLASS FOR SURE, that was always the only place I liked being. if you held a gun to me and said "no electives" tho, id say English. [what can I say, im Queer]

15. DREAM JOB? I DO NOT FUCKING DREAM OF LABOR!!!! I just want to live in a nice little house doing my nice little hobbies and seeing all my friends and magically have money for all that. that said, I am basically currently doing a younger me's "dream job" though so, can't complain too hard.

my lunch break is ending and i gotta dash SOOO im just gonna say i tag anyone who sees this and would like to do it! this is your open invitation < 3

[hydratedcognizance]

integrating harsh realities

how do we integrate our lives back together after addiction?

this is something that can feel like an internal battle

and abrasive

and i feel its abrasive because when we are dissociated from what we truly feel and what our boundaries are

we can really hurt and damage ourselves in the process

hurting our souls

unconsciously too

so i wanna talk about how we can start safely integrating our pasts so we can find our inner strength again

because there are positives

mountains of them

its just a perception

IM NOT A DOCTOR I DONT CLAIM TO BE I AM SIMPLY A WOMAN CHANNELING DIVINE WISDOM THROUGH ME ONTO THE PAGE lol THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY

i have memories that kinda come and go, when you want to remember and when you don’t

dissociating and pushing things aside, focusing on something else

pushing through is what i call it

when you dont know why but you just know you gotta keep going lol because there’s a lot of shit going on

but yeah and then when coming back into our bodies after being out of them for so long is an intense feeling because we dont have a lot of memories to go with the trauma that occured

its just a bad memory stored away and like lost away

and allowing these things to come up, without having our nervous systems go into over drive

is something that is impactful to be facilitated by a practitioner

because with all this heavy drug and alcohol use around us, thats dissociation

atleast thats what i think

a feeling of just being in a cycle

and being in denial that that was the issue

or part of the issue

but yeah, it can be hard to look at ourselves in those situations

hard to integrate

because and this is where im still not full circle on this theory of mine lol

but like in ancient times, people used coca in shamanic ceremonies and here we are using it at a bar on a friday just out with the worst intentions some times, using this plant medicine….

anyways

right

its kinda like doing unknown rituals lol

sitting drinking with friends talking about whatever

right like just seeing it differently now

so there’s summoning of forces lol and im not exactly sure how they used cocaine ritually

but my experience with it is that i opened up and could finally feel free i didnt have anxiety when i was high

it was something that felt great

and i used that as a crutch to socialize and connect for 9 years

and through those 9 years

i did a lot of shit that i wasn’t proud of

a lot of shit that i fucking couldnt even rememebr because i didnt want to

and more shit comes up you know

the shame builds

it all builds if its not being looked at

and at times it feels kinda like its everyone else

but yet again,

there was a reason i escaped to drugs and alcohol as well

so that reason had to be looked at

the shame

and its like uncomfortable to feel especially because thats what we did to hide it, drink

its going against our whole bodies circuit board and for some, generations of it, to not drink it away

like it was a go to problem solver

but when you change that creates a ripple effect

its like battling a demon lol

it creates movement for that shame as well, changing habits, doing things different

it will move it and bring it up to be processed

rather than locking it up

letting it flow

but yeah i think this is kinda prevalent with the diddy stuff too like being under the influence of drugs and alcohol opens your body up to things that in sober life we do not consent

and these powerful drugs and ritual ceremonies of energies coliding and mixing

you know it creates a shit show to deal with

and you know

it doesnt have to be as intense as diddy

but in my life it’s like yeah i wish i had a different more loving and wholesome expereince

rather than it throwing me to the wolves into a pit of hyenas LOL

it created resilience

but yeah

opening the mind

to the possibility that we could still experience love while expressing our truth

and thats only to ourselves

doesnt have to be with anyone else

but the recognition of yourself is the alchemy that releases this connection of energy as well

the shame is what holds onto it

these aspects of self i’ve hidden away and not looked at due to shame

they are strong parts of me they meant well

they weren’t trying to harm they were just acting out and then add some fire water and lord knows what else to the party,

thats a humiliation ritual to me

thats another reason i love energy healing lol

its a safe container to feel and express these painful and dark emotions and let them go

its an exchange of energy with the earth

and then you also feel lighter afterwards

no harm caused

when we see ourselves in the past, struggling, doing our best with what we knew, pushing through

rather than the embarrassment or shame or guilt or whatever other feeling that is clinging on

its empowering, thats being sovereign and in your strength

lol the saying you came into this world alone came to mind

i feel that

you know, its something to admire the strength in our own stories

our own battles, seeing ourselves as a whole picture

and loving ourselves anyways

and i dont believe its something to be rushed

its to be honoured

allowing unconditional love into the mix

it opens up pathways to be able to relax

expand, and breathe again

finding peace in playing the long game

that’s all i have for today,

to be continued

you can connect with me through email if you’d like to work with me ♥

oo

[posts-from-the-morgue]

it would be really helpful if people could chose times other than when foxx is already dealing witha shittone of stuff going on both personally and professionally to dump to them about eating disorder shit while also being in denial about having an eating disorder even tho foxx is pretty open about their history and is always super careful to never mention numbers or what they would do to lose weight because they dont want anyonw to hurt themselves because of them

and then this bitch has to come along after already being given so much support by them for a million other things (which is fine but also at some point you gotta realis taht they arent a therapist or a doctor and you are your own adult self who needs to learn your own coping shit) and then to top it all off IMMEDIATELY BEFORE A SITDOWN DINNER with 'lol i havent even had breakfast today' and then to immeidately get shitty when another person points out her bad habits and then having to block out the whole conversation while being in a fucking italian resturaunt surrounded by fear foods while trying to still seem professional but all they can hear the whole time is '160 calories 160 calories' over and over and over and over again and then they have to feel like a piece of shit to even bring up the issue in the middle of the night

thers a reason we dont say we're recovered because it always feels like were one step away from relapsing at any given time we cant evern go into the pharmacy for our meds without being surrounded by fucking super cheap weightloss shakes and having to fight with ourselves the whole time that were waiting to not pick up the fucking bottle even im tryingt o do better by not making us smoke when i come out even tho its the fucking worst and i turn into a bitch but somehow im the one most fucking equiped to take care of this mess and ive barely even met anyone and idk who i want to meet because who knows who will turn out to be a piece of shit this time

[theuniverseawakens347]

Again how do you live with Lee for 33 years / 34? But 23 on record Paula change but Lee herself w station 7 Steve Harvey stache Dunlap … I LITERALLY SHOWERE PHOTOS OF LEE N HOWARD TO YOY GUYS … OFF MY IPAD PHONE N TWITTER.

Crayy_crayy

… I ASKED FOR THERAPY FIRST AND CAME W MARGIE STILL INTACT FROM GILBRIONNA MURDER AT 4 … lost Margie at 14 to liver cancer.. 15 asked for a therapist ( Margie passed at 18 monrovia across from the high school a few blocks from downtown monrovia where they do the big Christmas tree - WHY YOU GOT HER STUFF ANIMALS FROM HER OFFICE ( MY TEDDY BEARA FROM MY BED I THREW OUT FROM EVERY FUCKING CHILDS COURT VISIT I WENT TOO + VINTAGE DOLLS MARGIE GAVE ME - our favorite Toy Story on our walks ) …

Anyways 1st therapist you had me go to was off larchmont after Margie .. I DID ONE OR TWO SESSIONS ( next to the make up beauty pink building - across from the eye doctor on the right going south bound - KAJA EYE STABBING ME 2014 and me getting it checked out ) .. anyways THAT BITCH WAS UR THERAPIST DRUGGIE BUDDY BACK IN THE DAY ( Paula why you got this similar Taylor - Kimberly) … but uncontrolled motion white lady black hair .. like that dyke* from American horror story BOBBY BLUSHAY MOM lookalike … 2 sessions at most and she was bias in favor of Lee being a good mother n me being a brat - told Lee I was uncomfortable and stopped going “why” - BC BITCH THATS UR THERAPIST SHE DONT CARE WHAT I GOTTA SAY YAL FUCKING OR MONEY LAUNDERING THRU THE MEDICAL OFFICE - THATS WEIRD LICK UP INFO RN 9:47 pm left lib….

So you get me Michelle Cayley at 16 I see her she’s black sagaftra building - keep it all in Lee acting insurance huh ucla bob hope … but Michelle at like 16/17 I said I was starting to feel uncomfortable ( living w white lol trying to survive being black and a good little nigger bc me making mistakes of ANY SORTS is extreme tension - Lee” you’re wasting my money on private school if you don’t learn shit ima send you to public school” - drops me off a day at John .. what’s that van ness* off pico ARLINGTON .. middle school … LEFT ME FOR A WHOLE DAY JUST RANDOMLY “we’re going to visit them school” get there then “okay I’ll get you at 3 “ 🫤🖕 - Taylor sr Paula Barton. Regina king .. daisy florez ur oj act like this too huh India Warren “ I wonder why our kids are …” 🫤 why YOU RESTARD DRUGG ADDICTS SEX ALCOHOLICS … anyways

I asked 1st if I was adhd or add - I took Tasha adderal and it helped me focus in class and I was stoked normally I’m WALKING AROUND STANDING UP BORED DOING SOMETHING ELSE TAKING MY SHOES OFF SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS DOODLING UNTIL UOU TURN THE TV ON SCIENCE CLASS OR HAVE A GOOD BOOK OR DISCUSSION - math was weird I always looked at the posted and counted down time to leave or talked w neighbors - chemistry bitch you really waisted my time - IF I DIDNT KNOW IF I WANTED TO LEARN MORE .. anyways side note took the adderal ( and again in college to get papers done and had 1/2 left over when I works ed equinox FUCKTARD LEAH ALEX OD .. really cause I was taking these myself SO HOW BITCH “oh it’s expired” - THAT DONT MEAN OD SO WHAT YOU DO IN BENS NAME AND ERIC ROTISSERIE SEEN YOU KENDALL RAVE DJ PARTY VANESSA PARIS - who called the cops Ben or Brian my Claudia) … 9:55 pm car …

Asked Michelle and we took a test for both adhd and add 1-6 questions / 1-8 questions ALONE I GOT 4/6 and 6/8 “we should look into further testing apothy and I’ll talk to ur mom “ - cool thank you leaves goes home and tell Lee I scared this and that I think I’ll need another testing - weird cashay bc you did PERFECTLY fine when you were first brought into the house and they wanted to test ur math and reading skills .. - 54th lied and TCS Evelyn “cashay I want you to write the class notes and I photo copy them for everyone” - okay weird why “ur writing is the neatest” - DO WHY I DO SYLVAN LEE AND REPEAT 5 th grade - YA GOT NATEANA TEST SCORES. - I DO MY WORK AND ALWAYS FIRST TO FINISH .. SIGNED NEIGHBOR TO MAE PINK HOUSE MR. HARRIS WHY YA SON BABY MOMA COMING TO MY SCHOOL AND TESTING ME - DONNIE KEYS .. “it’s a special test for you” - 54 didn’t really have testing EXCEPT FOR CAT 9 - MISS. KATZ WHY YOU KNOW LEE LESBO FRIEND DONNA AND CECELIA .. SHE MY 3 rd grade teacher who I cussed out for being all up in my GOTDAMN home business and not doing shit good for me - Janae mother. .. ALSO BITCH WHY YOU TEACH ME MATH WRONG N SPELLING PRETTY WRONG - standards for no fucking reason .. am I writing what the other kids are writing but not talking to no one - oops WHY YOU JUST AINT TALK TO ME AND ASK WTF - MAE CATCHING ME CUSS OUT MISS KATS IN FRONT OF THE CLASS BEFORE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT SAYING HER THOUGHTS. - black teacher w the dreads you falling in the parking lot “ cashay did it she got magic” NO BITCH YOU CLUMSPY FAT WEARING HEELS SANDALS THAT DONT WORK FOR YOU - HI NEW WAY WHY YOU PASS - GRANNY FLORENCE. .. MAE PAYNE. KILLUMINATI…

🫤🖕

But like I said I asked took the test w Michelle told Lee and the next session I have with the three of us michelle changes up bc Lee said “she’s not any of these things “ - how you know Lee !?? - “I WANA DIAGNOSE YOU SCHIZOPHRENIC BC UR SAYING AND WRITING PPL THOUGHTS WITHOUT US TALKING TO YOU” - FUCK YOU IN FULL FROM GOD. - ALL MY OTHER TELEPATHIC FAMILY .. but cashay is different .. BITCH I KNOW THATS WHY YOU KILLING ME AND WORKING OVER FUCKING TIME AND STALKING ME - “she reincarnates too” - Lee seen me flying in my pole and she felt the fear of god and heard the voices and her mom n dad and KNOW ITS BC OF ME AND DONT WANA GO TO THE PSYCHWARD HERSELF HOWARD INCLUDED - STOP FUCKING W ME TIMOTHY WILL BE NICE TO YOU 🙂💋

Anyways then I asked Michelle “okay I’m feeling very angrey and just out of place and “I know my mom had mental illness” ( FUCKING LYING ASS BITCH ASS LEE - me saying her thoughts out loud too bout Darniece- Michelle thoughts too ( you a therapist n not talking straight to me about that - weird. FIRED BITCH) ).. “but is this normal for a teen as in hormones or is this the start of a mental illness?” - NO UR PERFECTLY FINE .. SAID IN FRONT OF LEE .. then me saying “okay i just wna check bc sometimes i just feel so angry and mentally clouded I can’t get my thoughts into full words” - LEES THOUGHTS ( oh so bitch you telepathic huh Howard she say ur thoughts out loud!?? Since when!?? 2021 watching me like YOU SATAN LIECE OF HIDING LYING FUCKING SHIT BITCH ASS CUNT. )

- woosaaah.. anyways I’m not crazy .. I’m just a little Beyoncé telepathic and less Satan and you all know that or else why did you sign ndas of illuminating killing sprees of my godly family for the “free” masons

🤷‍♀️😊

- power puff girls HI MOMMY N COI .. you really Darniece huh - OKAY WEIRDOS YOU WANT ME TO EAT THAT LIE UP FOR YOU OR YOU JUST GOT HER CPN - YA FAT MOM during left eye murder switch em around Darniece a star but Coi growing up looking like her - DNA TEST BENZINO “bitch you is not that cute and we DID NOT SLEEP TOGETHER SOOOOO HOW TF IS COI PUR CHILD” - idk Howard sperm .. lol my Dominican daddy .. how you living off that con Howard

😊

Ronald Tom ( already fixed it Janet) NUGENTS.

- HI BLACK LADIES OUT WHITE IS SLAVE OWNERS THRU BUSINESS SPERMING AND MAD MY MAFIA OUTS THEIRS lalalaalalalalalaalalalalalalalalal

- DONT EVER FUCKING TRY ME AGAIN YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT. - RESPECTFULLY it’s truly.

FUCK YOU BITCH - DARNIECE LEE she likes you 😉 Howard lololololololololololol

- YOU WANTED A PAYCHOPATH CHILD SOLOLL FUCKING BAD WHERES HARDLEY JOKER.

- split personality Lee I think you need Howard n Charles Manson award FOR DUMMBEST CUNTS ALIVE.

- my period is coming - I SEE BLOOD PPL. 💋💋🖕🖕

10:14 pm lees a whore a liar ass Satan bitch huh Howard peltko so ARE you - split bodies fake Teistan and cashay kingg 🙂🖕

[pastramimommy]

9/13/2024

Alrighty you can see how well im doing with my habits since im writing this halfway through the month lmao so here we are in september, balls deep into a doctoral program and I got the VA job but dont start till october. I have been absolutely BLESSED that I have a whole month of doing school without a job because I would be absolutely fucked adjusting to both at the same time. I basically started school already behind, trying to catch up and not really sure the best way to approach my classes. I was studying all day without any other real commitments and it freaked me tf out that I will soon be expected to do this while working 40 hours a week. but alas, I am officially back on top of things and need to find a system that works for me while I am in school.

I spent 2 weeks in LA so that threw me off my habit game a bit, but thats just an excuse bc I've still been doing a shitty job while at home. I will give myself some grace about attending church in person, and be satisfied with watching online since I am not committed to a community here yet. My morning routine I worked so hard to build is looking pretty pitiful right now LOL I am now trying to work myself back up to waking up at 5-5:30am but am struggling and need to get my ass in bed before 10. Meal prepping breakfast helped me get things moving faster, but I need to let myself take a moment for Bible app and set the days intentions before i jump into studying. I have been working out like mf beast and am in the greatest shape of my life, achieving new flexibility/strength goals, but i am getting so stagnant with pole, i need lessons again!!

Living at home has been truly interesting lol seeing my sisters as potential roommates has revealed a lot. and the constant proximity is testing maya and I's relationship but for the better, imo. there is a lot of unaddressed issues there so no better time than now to let it all out. I am not having a bad time living at home by any means, its just hard to get into a routine when a lot of my day is dependent on others' schedules. I am very excited for the future house, but i am a lot less excited for the move.

Now for the tea!! Dating is crazy bro. I've had some incredible dates and met some incredible people. Most of the people I would be remotely interested in live at least 30 minutes away so that has been tough. I've made some solid connections with people but I am fr trying to learn from my mistakes with Chris and not go 0 to 100 with anyone. And it's funny I really gotta hold back sometimes. The biggest struggle is still wanting to be out there and meeting new people when someone is set on me. And it really makes me feel like shit because that is the roles were reversed when I was with Chris. But I can confidently tell myself at the end of the day, I am not doing anything wrong because I am being transparent about where I stand. I am proud of myself for my intentionality with going about things ethically. I am here to meet all the people but not break any hearts!! It really freaks me out that I have to try to balance dating and school and work. Like I can't put it off because otherwise I start looking at 30 years old? nah. i crunched the numbers, I need to put in work asap because i won't be able to hang out with anyone frequently enough to start officially dating anyone at a regular pace. so here I will be, bulldozing through this new phase trying to do all the mf things at once. The main goal is being gentle with myself and holding onto my habits, routines and coping mechanisms i worked so hard to build.