#gotta be one of the most genius people to ever live . literally everything he included in a song was a double triple or quadruple entendre

[boag]

Will never have my mind blown harder than when I learned that the middle C on a piano is “C4” and that’s why DOOM said “middle C” with the explosion sound after . He was so fucking big brained RIP king ❤️

[sugar-petals]

can you give us more thoughts about domestic yoongles? the taemin's one (wich I love) just made me miss the cat boy so much ;o;

i have a phd in househusband yoongi so let me fire out some ideas for ya.

myg at home headcanon

🐱 word count. 1.9k | fluff, slice of life, slight nsfw mentions, x reader, bullet points

The doorbell sound is a recording of Yoongi imitating a doorbell. He’s such a meme. Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

Seemingly, he teaches himself a new recipe every week. To perfection. Yoongi is very particular about sticking to the recipe and wielding his kitchen tools in the right way. He collects knives, olive oil, and still hates cutting onions.

He separates sleep time, work time, and couple time as the holy trinity. For each, he switches his mood.

Blushes easily no matter for how long you’ve been together.

Establishes his own radio show where he DJs at one point.

Yoongi keeps an extreme track on the garbage schedule. He knows exactly what is due when. Separating the trash is a must. That includes sorting out fake friends trying to get between your relationship. Your social circle as a couple is extremely deliberate.

Yoongi deems himself a terrible host for guests. Unless Hoseok is there to drag him out, it's true he rather stays in the kitchen or at the barbecue preparing the menu courses rather than making small talk. He leaves the hospitality bits to you, however you want to go about it.

What he lacks in conversing with guests, he makes up in bed, God is absolutely fair.

He sings and hums pretty often and has his own vernacular of extraterrestrial uwu noises. It's an alphabet that you have to yet decipher but it's incredibly cute.

Self-made paintings everywhere around his house. 

Yoongi hasn't gone clubbing since grammar school. The most he does is going to a restaurant at lunch with very close friends. And always in a work context. His private life is so secluded from everything else and paparazzi just don't spot him anywhere, Dispatch thinks he must live abroad.

Very well, he does consider his big ole house a separate country. It's a living organism with a studio, gym, trophy room, small-size basketball court, and vastly equipped kitchen. A home theater as well, he likes American movies (like Inception) and Korean action genres, and you can stream whatever you fancy in there whenever you like. 

Yes, he has underwear with cute little bears on.

There's even a little pond in the backyard. Yoongi, Pisces he is, likes fishes after all. Sometimes he sits at the edge of the 'Little Ole Min Lake (LOML)' and stares into the water for literal hours with his chin parked on his palm.

His fridge is so high-tech and futuristic, even Yoongi is rendered clueless by its AI sometimes. The washing machine, too.

Yoongi watches RuPaul’s drag race. What did you expect? He finds it so humorous.

Owns lord knows how many comic collections.

Favorite holiday destination: New York.

Christmas is basically 50% you unveiling new music equipment to him in the garage and Yoongi almost fainting at the sexiness of it. The other 50% is spent holding hands and orgasm after orgasm until the new year since you loose track of time.

Goes on long rants why he’d marry you again every weekend.

Making you presents is his specialty. Always accompanied with a hand-written note. He writes a lot of things by hand for you in general. Texting, basically never. Always on paper.

No sex without a blanket and socks on. Yoongi gets cold very very easily and just doesn’t like showing skin. You buy him a heated blanket for his birthday, he even uses it in his studio chair.

Chronically addicted to making out.

Matching black outfits and glasses.

Laughs at even your worst jokes or phrases you didn’t expect you even uttered.

Yoongi owns the phoniest, most secretive-looking black car ever and nobody knows about it. Even he forgets he owns it, in fact he genuinely acts like it just doesn’t exist. Hilarious. And that guy has a level 1 Korean driver's license. Which allows him to drive trailers and busses and fucking trucks, and construction machines, let that sink in.

It's really a genius curse. Yoongi being put to the test will always deliver but he won't choose to execute his full skillset if he doesn't have to. Well, pragmatic. He's not as phony as he thinks he is, which is even more hilarious.

He uses that behemoth of a car so scarcely because he'd rather have things delivered to his doorstep and he's stingy with gas. Also, he doesn't like traffic and driving because of the traumatic shoulder accident and his tendency to space out. Translation: You drive that thing... that monster... it really is an impressive, fast, and scary machine. 

If someone devious ever even remotely manages to invade his privacy and get past the doubly-installed security system, he has enough money to deal with it no matter what.

If it concerns your privacy, he's a red belt. And owns Jin's number if a taekwondo master is required. Jimin's if it needs someone with kendo skills.

If Yoongi needs someone to go on a complete rampage, Jungkook lives just down the block. He can sprint to Yoongi's bunker I mean mansion within 45 seconds. 30 if it's very urgent. 20 if the reward is an instant ramen splurge with Yoongi's black card.

He has a sexy, glamorous sword collection hanging on the living room wall anyways, so. Who the hell is dumb enough to mess with him and his expensive lawyer in the first place.

But just in case, who knows... Yoongi settles matters shruggingly, anonymously, and with cash and he's too exhausted for violence, but don't underestimate his deter-min-ation and network for emergencies. Also, he is Agust D after all.

He will bonk a naughty burglar or kidnapper across the head with a wooden cooking spoon or take him down by throwing a basketball if the situation requires it. Damn, his reflexes are so fast, a feral cat in motion. So, lean back and sip on your drink of choice. Things are cared for.

If Yoongi is the one being kidnapped or a highly skilled stalker invades the property at night when he's fast asleep (nothing can wake this man during certain hours, strong REM right here): Don't forget that honeyboy is a Dodgers fan. There are signed baseball bats everywhere in this damn house.

In that sense, your parents visiting you here for the first time thought you were an undercover thug couple. Not to worry mom and dad, you both just like sports very much okay.

Yoongi walks around in all black clothes and the rooms are all seemingly dark. Even if you live together, you don't know his skin care routine. It's clear to you he's some sort of vampire.

Since Yoongi always forgets to remove his makeup, you made it a habit to wipe it down when he's about to pass out. He won't lie, he enjoys that kind of affection.

Holly is your resident child. You're essentially a family.

He insists to tackle this by himself, Yoongi sees his therapist monthly. Not shifting responsibility is something he's stubborn about and he pours his emotions into writing. You will do conversation about deeper stuff, but he says it's mostly up to him and his own mind. He dislikes burdening you or opening up too much and it's something to respect rather than force him about. If he wants to share a thought, he will. It doesn’t mean he can’t trust you or sucks at communicating (we know that he’s direct). Yoongi simply can’t put that much pain in such few words nor should you alleviate it for him.

Calls from the manager faze Yoongi as much as Jimin is bothered by gravity. If he’s busy kissing your body slow mo, who the hell dares to disturb his worship. 

This man had so many let-downs and interpersonal catastrophes in his life, he's super discerning with people. Because he rolls that way, during their first meeting Yoongi uses his psychology certificate on your friends. You see him squint at them, he listens very closely. After they pass the vibe check aka meow radar, he befriends them, too.

Yoongi doodles Grammy trophies everywhere to manifest them.

Yoongi shaves his legs.

All the sex toys he’s ever bought are black. Gotta vibe in style.

He spends ridiculous amounts of time in the studio but he's yours for the remainder of the night, breakfast, and he makes a lavish lunch and dinner.

Um, consider his head parked between your legs. The Hongkong line was not a joke.

Doesn’t mind you squishing his cheeks whenever and for how long you like. 

Every other weekend he gets flowers, vouchers, and gifts — not because of fans, they don’t know where his house is, but because he donates so much.

Namjoon often drops by and cleanses the area with his crystals.

Yoongi is a photography major so you can ask him to take professional, ceiling-high black and white shots of you.

Feeding each other food lovingly. Man, this guy got lips.

He set up a library just for you, in the exact historical aesthetic you like the most. Send him the link to any book you want, it's basically in the online shopping cart already. As I said, he wants to make you presents like every week.

Sometimes he sits on the other end studying English videos and vocab while you read. And yes, he's already 95% fluent but pretends being merely intermediate. He knows technical terms even native speakers have never heard of.

He collects pajamas and earrings.

Swears on the phone.

Namjoon being the horniest member is a cover-up story. Yoongi masturbates almost unreasonable amounts of times, by himself and in your arms when going to bed. Not gonna lie, it’s a sight to see his hands at work. He’s almost equally obsessed with fingering you once you ask him.

Yoongi was the one asking you to move in and almost had a nervous meltdown before meeting up with you to tell you just that. 

He’s the little spoon and of course a sleeping burrito to hold tight.

Finds you equally attractive in any state or styling. Yoongi practices what he preaches, he always reacts the same and says the same. 

Jams out to outrageous beats Namjoon sends him by dancing in the studio. You walk in on him every time. Was embarrassed at first, now you dance along.

Has bought you a life-sized Yoongi pillow and customized you a giant Shooky to hug when he’s not at home over night.

Owned a wine cellar until he quit drinking. Turned it into a piano room instead.

Only you know Yoongi has a serpent and dagger tattoo.

Scrubs the bathroom religiously.

The house smells like restaurant food and his extravagant perfumes half of the time.

Sometimes he has to remind himself he’s married to you and not his coffee machine. He shall be forgiven. You can’t complain that he doesn’t love you enough, nor is he ever not adorable when drinking his latte.

Never wears short sleeves. It can be scorching and he’ll wear a jacket. 

Tell him and the cap stays on during sex.

He grows his hair out and puts it in a low bun. The bangs remain.

Yoongi has installed the most fire-proof building in the entire city it seems. That he wanted to be a firefighter when he was young definitely shows. Figures the house has to be protected from heat: His blasting studio music and Yoongi himself are just way too sizzling.

Still melts into a puddle when you kiss his nose.

Couple sunrise watching. 

© submissive-bangtan 2017-2021. all rights reserved. do not repost or translate. all depictions fictional.

[shurisneakers]

harmless (iv)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, guns, mention of war, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader

Word count: 1.5k

A/N: good evening i’ve never been to any of the places i mention in this series so dont come @ me

if you have any ideas for future inventions/evil plans, lemme know! i might actually end up using them 

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

He spends the weekend doing nothing. It’s supposed to be relaxing. He finds it nauseatingly boring.

“No mini mission this week?” Steve asks him from across the couch. 

They’re supposed to be catching up on Star Wars but two prequels in and Bucky could feel himself lose his sanity. Anyone could present him with a random assortment of alphabets, call it a Star Wars species and he would have no reason not to believe them.

It’s not like he doesn’t like space. It’s just that he’s had enough of it and everything and everyone who came from it for the foreseeable future.

“No. Someone else is taking care of it.”

“Didn’t you volunteer for this?”

“I pulled myself out of the case.”

“I thought you were having fun.” 

Bucky’s head slowly turns to look at him. “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Steve shrugged. “Looked like you were.”

Well, he wasn’t. He likes it here at home, glued to the TV. Popcorn beside him, sweatpants on. Refreshing, calming, slow, mundane, and Jesus Christ, so fucking boring-

His spiralling is interrupted by the dinging of the elevator to the common floor. No one was allowed up there unless it was extremely urgent. Guests were barely allowed into the Tower as it was. 

It reveals the receptionist from downstairs, Marie. She’s always a little reserved, a little shy. But Bucky had seen her chew and spit out trespassers or anyone who dared to get on her nerve. He adores her.

“Hey, Marie,” Steve says while Bucky sends her a friendly wave in greeting. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s a hostage situation downtown,” she informs them. 

“Okay...” Steve drawls, waiting for a reason why this was an Avengers level threat.

“They’ve asked for Mr. Barnes by name.” She makes a mention towards him.

Bucky sits up straight. Bits of popcorn fall off his chest. 

“What?”

“They said, and I quote-” she looks down at her notepad. “‘Tell that grumpy motherfucker that I’m waiting for him and that he’s not getting out of this so easily because we have come too far.’ End quote. They’ve also told me to include a kissing emoji. And a skull.”

Steve and he look at each other.

“Well?” Steve prods. 

Bucky sighs and gets up to go get ready.

The entrance of Chuck E. Cheese is more crowded than he’d ever seen. He wasn’t even sure he’d seen people in the store before. If there were, they probably only came up till his waist. 

There are a few journalists, a few policemen standing together outside. Whispers of confusion and curiosity reigned free. 

Bucky gently pushes his way to the front. He gets a nod from a police officer who opens the door for him after a quick briefing. 

The place is darker than it usually would be. A trademark, it seemed. The blinds are drawn shut and most of the light is coming through whatever sneaks in through the crack. 

“Hey, Barnes.” Your voice is muffled by a mask that looks suspiciously like it was made out of classroom craft supplies.

There’s a person in a loose chokehold in your hand with a gun pressed against his head. Once again it looks straight out of a cartoon, purple with round disks lining its barrel. 

“What’s all this now?” He gestures around monotonously. 

“A hostage situation. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“Got that part down, genius,” he bites back. “But why?”

“Fucker kept harassing me when I was walkin’ down the street.” 

The guy’s helpless gaze met Bucky. 

“Catcalling me, stalking me.” You tighten the grip you have on him. “Call me darlin’ one more time, you son of a bitch. I dare you.”

He wasn’t impressed with his pleading eyes. He kinda felt like he deserved it. 

“Why’d you do it here?” The bright colours were starting to give him a heading. “And where are the staff?”

“It’s symbolic, Bucky,” you emphasise, “He deserves to be among other rat bastards.”

Of course.

“The staff?” he asks again. 

“Gave them thirty bucks and told them to leave. I’m not a monster.”

“Right.” He doesn’t bother refuting you. “Why’d you call me here?”

“Dunno.” You shrug. “Thought it’d be fun. You having fun yet?”

You shake the guy you’re holding. He gives a small whimper. 

Bucky doesn’t want to stop you. He had chugged enough Respect Juice in his lifetime to know that this guy probably deserved a threat or two.

Hell, he’d even help but you were more than capable of handling this on your own.

“Listen,” he sighed. “As much as I’m sure he deserves it, this is technically illegal and I’m required to stop you.”

“Sorry sarge, I thought you weren’t interested in playing this stupid game with me,” you mock, voice dropping to imitate him.

“I’m not.” It wasn’t entirely true. One Saturday with Jar Jar Binks had convinced him otherwise.

“Okay, so before you leave, do me a favour and call Hawkeye. I hear he looks mighty fine when he’s annoyed.”

His face involuntarily scrunched up. You were going to replace him with Clint? Clint?

He probably took it more as an insult than he should have.

“I’m not doing that.” Bless his foul mouthed friend, but he was a little shit who was too sarcastic for his own good. At least twice a week he’d say something stupid to Bucky and then take out his hearing aids when he tried to argue back. 

“You’re leavin’ me with no options here,” you groaned, using your thumb to flip a switch. The gun looks like it powered up, lights along the side turning red.

If he let you have this, it’d be a bad look for the Avengers.

New York man dies in Chuck E. Cheese lone hostage situation, unable to be saved by same superhero who tried to fight Thanos with a machine gun.

“Tell ya what,” he says instead, “If you kill him, there won’t even be a slight chance that you’ll see me again.”

Your grip on the gun falters.

“If I let him go...”

“I might consider coming back next week.” He’s trying to spin it, make it look like he’s the one with the upper hand here. “But you gotta let him go.”

You search his face for any signs of dishonesty.

“Let him go or you’ll never see me again.” It sounds too much like Clint’s arguments with his dog who brought a live squirrel into the house. 

“Fine,” you relent, a glint in your eye. “but say goodbye to this fuckface.”

Before Bucky can open his mouth to shout in protest, you pull the trigger. The man clenches his eyes shut, face red.

He expects blood to be splatter across his face.

Nothing happens.

A barrage of bubbles floats into the room.

“I meant it literally,” you say, pushing him off you. “Say goodbye. He’s leaving.”

The man stumbles to the ground and Bucky doesn’t make any attempt to catch him. He scrambles to his knees, picking himself up and scurrying out the door to a hoard of reporters.

The door shuts behind him with the chime of a bell.

“You’re annoying,” Bucky states, giving a small sigh.

“I’m well aware of that.” You pull off the mask, wiping the sweat off your brow.

“Where is the agent assigned to your case?” 

“Dunno. Last I saw he was crying on the driveway of my lair. I just figured he’d pick himself up later so I left him there.”

Bucky’s nose twitches. 

“You weren’t actually going to kill him, were you.” He shrugs with his shoulder towards the door. It wasn’t a question, more a statement. He knew you wouldn’t. 

“I could have.”

“But you weren’t going to,” he repeats. 

“No,” you admit. “I wasn’t. But I’m glad to see you showed up.”

“You held someone hostage as leverage.”

“No, no. I held someone hostage and then asked to see you. They were completely unrelated.”

“You’re evil.”

“You jumped to conclusions,” you point out. “Would you like a trampoline next time? Maybe a pogo stick, you clown?”

He has a very real gun in his holster. His very real metal death arm aches to use it. 

“No one else agreed to come,” he deflects. 

“We both know that’s a lie. You were going to come back anyway.” You stuff the bubble gun back into the bag. “I’m deliciously irresistible.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Then beg.” You give him a smirk and he rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry, you win this round, sarge.”

He doesn’t say anything. He watches you remove your heist gear, revealing normal civilian clothes underneath.

You walk casually to the kitchen, intending to leave through the back door.

“But I can’t say I lost either.” You send him a wink before swiftly pushing open the door and leaving him behind.

He only watches you leave.

It doesn’t hit him until a few seconds later that he let a criminal out of his hands when there were several policemen and journalists outside.

He entertains the idea of chasing you down and handing you over. 

It takes him only a few seconds to decide that if they wanted you, they’d have to try themselves.

Next part 

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

💙Sat 12 Dec ‘20💙

◟̽◞̽ LIVE FROM LONDON aka “5 TIMES LOUIS NEARLY GAVE US HEART ATTACKS AND THE ONE TIME HE RAISED OUR BODIES BACK TO LIFE” ◟̽◞̽

The hype leading up to the event was beautiful and nerve wracking, with Louis' Walls streams showing the largest gain since release week, new merch dropping (pink! So much pink! It is the color of rock n roll after all...plus it's available in sizes ranging from XS to 3XL fuck yeah, so nice), LTHQ and Veeps whipping everyone into a frenzy with a barrage of tweets, plus Louis tweeted “if you have a speaker round the house plug it in, if you're old enough get yourself a drink. This is going to be special!” (fan: if I do that my mom will kill me! Louis, basically- fuck that, do what you want!), and then he posted the set list which genuinely took my stress levels down like 90% THANK YOU LOUIS, I was able to simply enjoy the cool static-y countdown with its rainbow glitches for a few. But ofc any calm went completely down the toilet the second he walked out with a giant ass H on his chest (the first heart attack) and started singing maybe the best he's ever sung in his life?? My heart was still pounding three minutes later when he sang the softest, most gorgeous version of We Made It, standing in front of a giant rainbow wheel. The arrangements on every song were incredible (the string section? YES!). He did the best version of Through The Dark I've ever heard and that song is already my fucking favorite, That Version of Two Of Us, ACOUSTIC ONLY THE BRAVE, rock Always You, stadium rock Fearless, and we all know about his version of Beautiful War (WOW), listen do I need to list every song? I WILL DON'T TRY ME. But on top of all that-- the NEW SONG!! Copy of a Copy of a Copy is, uh, amazing?? It's just... so GOOD...so.. gestures vaguely at like... all of it. The sound! The lyrics! GORGEOUS, and he really gets into the figurative lyrical territory that he admires so much in others' songs and has said he wants to do more, I love seeing that so much and the results are just... sublime. Truly. Much chatter now about the similarity in sound to Sign of the Times, as if it wasn't terrific enough already. So much to love about it! And I even loved the inclusion of the fan videos on KMM-- they were just on the screens behind Louis, it totally worked with the general cool look of everything and didn't detract at all, and tbh Louis singing directly to the wall  of singing louies was actually so lovely and precious. In conclusion, his voice throughout was PHENOMENAL, the band were great, strings included (hire those women Louis take them on the road, please!), the sets and lighting design and direction were awesome, the whole aesthetic was just SO on point, Louis said it best-- “we smashed it”. YEAH. YOU DID.

Other things: you didn’t think I was done with THAT FUCKING H SHIRT did you? It doesn't just have a GIANT H in the middle, above that (like tags!) are five asterisks, *****. YEAH. Look familiar? Yeah to me also damnnn. So, “end it”, “Harry”, or both? Poll time! Hair update: in a combined “you always come thru for your louies” and “you fucking demon troll” moment that's perfectly Louis he DID take his hat off to show us the glorious mane but I'm pretty sure he also trimmed it before the show! And: Hot Oli is already in the rearview I guess; ah we barely knew ye, but a new photog has appeared on the scene: enter Josh Halling (prev worked with Sam Fender) taking show pics today, including a super cool one on Louis' insta. Welcome to the team? Being a better guy than Jordan is a low bar, so just try to clear that one sir? And keep feeding us those great Louis pics! And: WBK Louis likes his backstage vodka redbull (and onstage 'water' bottles), and he confirmed between songs- “the power of vodka for me mate I’m loving it!” (straight? no, gay!). And: was the CK hoodie Louis was wearing in the pre show publicity photo (thanks Hot Oli) Harry's CK hoodie? Or simply a Copy of a…. well you know. And: hey guess what-- I gotta hand it to Veeps, against all odds that stream was flawless! Plus they got rid of the chat which was probably to facilitate that but also I simply appreciated it, good call. The Genius lyrics page for Copy of a Copy of a Copy did crash after the show though so it's cool don't worry; we've still got it. And finally: lots of people are talking now about how cool the show was but do any of them matter except DMAs reposting the pic on insta with hearts?! LOVE that for Louis.

And for the aftershow we got Louis on twitter! He thanked everyone (us, the crew, the band, Charlie, the strings, veeps, “all my personal team”), and answered a Q about doing another one-- “potentially but I doubt it, wanted to make this one special so no plans at the moment to do another.” About Copy he said “it will remain in the set for the tour and live shows but not sure when/if it will be released yet” but also re inclusion on LT2 “Probably but I want to keep all my options open. Very early in the process. Enjoy the moment!”

The rest of the day was pretty slow thank god, just some prerecorded content from Liam (a wizarding world spot) and a tik tok that's just him in the dark, shirtless, reacting to a fan screaming (literally) about how he apparently got relationship advice from Liam via facetime last night. And today's daily alarm, which was actually pretty wild, Liam and Roman reading a whole long rhyming poem about waking up! Very impressive indeed, I especially like when they rhyme “santa” with “banter”, perfectly British! And then also a strange interlude of Roman talking about how to impersonate Keanu Reeves, okay.

[lvlyhao]

『127′s ideal type』

headcanons, NCT 127

A/N: je suis back~ in these headcanons i talk about the type of person i imagine each member with, along with some of the traits i think they wouldn’t be too fond of. i did NOT include physical traits (ex: “would like a short/tall/blonde s/o”) because i really don’t know them??? lmao also that kind of thing could be a bit damaging to someone’s self esteem, and i want yall to know ur perfect & beautiful so

mark and hyuck will be included in dream’s version of this, and sicheng will be in wayv’s :)

today’s gif theme is just random gifs i like bc idc, there’s no aesthetic

as always, this is gender-neutral

IF YOU LIKE MY WORK PLEASE REBLOG IT AS WELL AS LIKING IT T^T

𝓖𝓮𝓷𝓻𝓮𝓼: fluff (♡) and if you squint really hard angst (❆) bc of some REALLY small things that for me are not actual angst but oh well

𝓦𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼: i think none?? if you read this and find something you think should be here let me know please!!!

word count: 1.5K

pairing: nct 127 members x reader (includes taeil, taeyong, johnny, yuta, doyoung, jaehyun, jungwoo)

disclaimer: the characters in the story below do not reflect real people or present real facts. this is purely fictional, and you may not copy, change, translate or repost my work in any way. all rights reserved © cherry-hyejin 2021.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

Taeil

I see Taeil getting with someone who’s not only mature (personality-wise, actual age doesn’t matter) but also very determined and decisive. He’d like a person that doesn’t change their mind about things too often, learns well from their mistakes and is just all-around balanced. Other traits that I think he’d look for: politeness, a MUST; grounded; good at giving advice. Pretty much a twin-flame of his.

I think he’d find it cute if they think in a detail-oriented way and appreciate the small things in life. A positive, grateful mentality would be SO attractive to him, I swear. 

One of his deal breakers would most likely be excessive jealousy and possessiveness. He trusts you and your love for him, and I think he’d feel distraught if you were constantly questioning the relationships he has with other people (friends, co-workers, fans, etc.)

Last important thing: needs a person that can take a hit. He’s probably looking for someone he can spend the rest of his days with, so a quitter just isn’t good for that. There will be difficult moments in the future and he needs to know they won’t give up on him and on the life he chose.

Taeyong

I think Taeyong would like a calm person that knows how to take control of the relationship. He probably feels tired sometimes from leading a group of 23 people, so I can imagine he’d be thrilled if he was able to not worry at all when he’s around his partner. He trusts they’re capable of dealing with any problems that may arise and keep their feet on the ground. Bonus points if they have a good relationship with themselves.

By that I mean: you know how people say you can’t truly love others until you love yourself? Yeah, that. He’s a person like any other, and there are times when he struggles with self-love, but he needs someone that doesn’t hate themselves, or he’ll simply go crazy. With his career come so many rumours and moments that tear at his confidence… he just doesn’t need a person that has to be convinced every single day that they’re worthy of the good things in life. 

I’d say, in general, all he asks for is someone that can watch out for themselves. He’d take care of them too, but he’d like it SO much if just for once in his life he’s the one being cared for. Would just melt on the spot if you have that caring, almost parental instinct in you. Gods, yes. That’s all I can say.

Johnny

I can see him being with a very bright, smart person. He’d like someone that comes from a different background so he could learn more about their life—whether that means the country they were born in or their field of work. I think he would appreciate a very laid back person that doesn’t get stressed too often and won’t make fun of him for his bad jokes. Also, doesn’t like people that try to play him. Honesty above all.

He’d like it if they are super curious and creative, too. Picking up new hobbies and interests is something he’d be up to anytime, and it doesn’t matter what it is either. He’d give anything a try—from knitting to marine biology, no questions asked.

Something he’d dislike is if the person is too materialistic. It’s not like he’s a completely spiritual being and lives with 0 detachments to objects but he’s a firm believer in what Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said: what is essential is invisible to the eye. And, you know, what you truly find essential is up to you; it can mean family, friends, love, hope, all of that… he just wants you to love life itself as much as he does.

Yuta

He’d probably like one of the two drastic variants: a very gentle, sweet person or someone who’s on his level of flirtatiousness and boldness. Wouldn’t mind any, but he needs a strong personality, either way, you know? No blandness here. 

Something very attractive to him is being involved in social issues and caring for the world around you. Very sexc, yes, and also likes people that make others smile.

Something that would make him quite literally give up on someone is the excessive fear of change, or just the will to remain in their comfort zone at all costs. He earns for a person that wants to live life to its fullest. If not they’re not ride-or-die to that level, then he hopes they at least accompany and support him in all of the things he wants to do. 

One thing that is very tied to that is his dislike for know-it-alls. He lives in such a diverse scenario that it’s just dumb for him to think someone would ever be capable of knowing every piece of information on everything that’s out there. He’s fine with people making mistakes, but if they can’t admit to that or admit they don’t know something he just gets pissed off. So, yeah, he’d avoid stuck-ups.

Doyoung

He’d like someone very loyal and fair, who treats people with respect but calls them out if they ever have to. I think he’d prefer a person that is naturally a deep thinker and wouldn’t lose their mind over small disagreements. 

Much like Johnny, he likes that intellectual side of yours, and when I say that I don’t mean like “ah, he’d want to date a math genius” or something. No, no. I’m referring to all types of intellectuality and intelligence. The thing for him is simply using your brain and being proud of it. He would just dislike a person that kind of lives life on autopilot, you know?

He’d like it if they’re interested or professionally involved with music somehow and would consider their opinions in his career. He wouldn’t mind if their taste is hugely different from his, though. It’s alright if pop music is not your favourite or if you have no idea who EXO is (lol). All he wants is to see the world through your eyes too, in all aspects of life including this one.

Will also love you forever if you side with him when he’s being teased by the others, because, c’mon, it’s always 22 people against poor, defenceless Doyoung. Please don’t join them, he’s begging you—

Jaehyun

This is very, very clear to me but he needs to be with an independent person. He’s quite sentimental and he has his more romantic moments, sure, but he wants someone that can give him the space he needs when he needs it. A person that’s constantly begging him for attention would be way more of a burden than anything else.

Also, he’s 100% alright with someone that has a very explicit and loud love language (like saying “I love you” 300 times a day) but he’s not like that, and he needs them to see that. Jaehyun could NOT be with a person that doesn’t appreciate the love he shows in the little things, like making coffee in the morning, and if they ever question the way he feels… yeah, not good. He’d feel misunderstood and that’s a big no-no.

He’d find it cute if they’re bubbly or just very youthful but is also capable of falling for an old soul that shares his interests in things like classical music and vinyls. I don’t think he’d ever get with someone that's kind of a tech addict, though, idk why but that’s quite clear to me. Always being on your phone or caring too much about social media would probably make him feel like you’re not grateful for the things you have around you, in real life. So, yeah, not attractive, bestie.

Jungwoo

Jungwoo is a very, very, very sweet person and he needs someone who’s also like that. He wouldn’t care if that’s there for everyone to see, in the sense that they’re not shy about it, or if it’s a part of them that only a couple of close people know. As long as it’s there, he’s happy.

Aside from that, I think he’s fully capable of falling in love with quite literally anyone. He can see the beauty in all types of people, from all places, backgrounds, races, and just—anyone. He’s just so full of love for people, ah I can’t even. He’s too good for this world.

Some things that could, however, push him away from getting to know someone: a negative way of thinking, being too traditionalistic, and too much scepticism. He’s fine with people that like to honour the past and their roots but like, you’ve gotta keep up with the world you live in and accept that things change. I think that’s very tied to how much he likes defying masculine standards, too. 

The scepticism thing is quite simple: he can handle teasing just fine but if they’re constantly making fun of him for wearing his heart on his sleeve or being a bit goofy, he’d feel kind of betrayed.

---

final notes: this is the 3rd nct work i’m posting here and i’m already writing more, so i think it’s time i set up a masterlist, a fic rec blog and a tag list. if you want to be tagged in my future fics, let me know (dm, comments, anything) :)

[imbruedinfear-a]

@undeadrphub​ asked: ALL OF THEM FOR JAY

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

this man would kill to be taller in .0002 seconds if he could. he was bullied for his height, bullied for being severely underweight, bullied for feminine hips, for.. literally anything. he hates it all. as an adult, he’s managed to pull himself out of the underweight category, but it’s solely from muscle. he’s still incredibly thin and small, just as he’s always been. you can’t get him to be comfortable without an oversized hoodie to hide in. he vaguely cares about being attractive, but it’s more ‘i don’t want them to be embarrassed to be hanging out with someone as fucking ugly as i am’ than anything else. if he’s not working or going out with people, he won’t even think of trying to improve appearance.

🍅  :    how does my muse feel about plastic  /  cosmetic surgeries   &   procedures?  is it something they have done or would do?  do they mind if others do it? 

dislike. who the fuck cares about their appearance that much? granted, he’s had a nose job, but it was so he could still fucking breathe rather than cosmetics. he won’t dislike you as a person for it, but he’s going to instantly find you unappealing. it just bothers him for some reason.

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

stability whomst? he has two modes of health: sick once a year or sick every other week. it depends on how much food he’s been eating and whether or not he’s blown food money on beer. fuck doctors. his overall health is fucked. doctors cannot explain why he doesn’t have x problems and how he’s even still alive after all of the beatings he’s had, especially when it comes to the brain damage. he has seizures, sometimes an arm will stop working for a bit, sometimes he can’t hold anything, sometimes he’ll have a burst of amnesia. he’s a medical mystery to the point there are literal scientific articles on his case, and 98% of the time if he lands in the hospital for something they’ll just shrug it off. it’s gotten to the point he’ll break bones and still not go, because he learned how to fix that fucking problem himself when he was like 12.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy? 

:^) he’s gotten away with murder ( though it was self-defense ) through the insanity claim, which is actually really fucking hard to use. that should give you an idea of his scores on mental exams. but again, he has brain damage, and every single psych he’s ever interacted with has mentioned that they can no longer determine what’s an actual mental illness or what’s just his brain being physically unable to function correctly. he’s never been to therapy, but he’s been tested several times. his scores changed every time, for every section. the only thing anyone’s certain on is PTSD. Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia have been heavily considered, but even professionals argue with each other. he’s a medical mystery even in mental health. he needs therapy, but his disorders make him extremely avoidant of it. that is not to say everything i listed is true, nor is it to say there isn’t anything unlisted here.

🍑  :    how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance?  do they spend a lot of time on their hair,  makeup,  grooming,  and clothing?  is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?  

oof. how anxious is he? if he’s anxious, he’ll fix himself 1000x times. if he’s not doing anything special, he’ll walk out the door without a second thought. he doesn’t spend a lot of time on anything, but he does make sure he’s well groomed and put together. it should be noted, though, he doesn’t look in the mirror. his own apartment doesn’t have one, and he avoids public restrooms like the plague. his own reflection is a fucking trigger. this is probably why his eyeliner is always smudged.

🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?  

confusing as fuck. he’s lonely as hell and constantly wants to hangout with people, but he also will have periods of avoiding them like the fucking plague. he loves hanging out! he fucking hates being out! who knows! for the most part, he has a lot of friends in a lot of places and will gladly drink with any group of strangers, but he’ll yeet the fuck out if you try actually getting close to him. he’s alone, always, at home and only around people when working or getting fucked up. having other people around too often, like a roommate perhaps, will make his mental health act the fuck up.

🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood? 

in his words, it was a great big pile of horseshit on fire. he literally has brain damage from it. he can’t leave his own room without convincing himself it’s going to be his living room, not his childhood home, and sometimes he’ll open the bedroom door and see his father standing there, and then he’ll fucking yeet back into bed. obviously it’s impacted him just a smidge. definitely not full of self-hatred and constantly fighting himself to do shit he likes, absolutely most definitely not traumatized in a million forms and continues to trigger himself because how the fuck do you go about your day not panicking half of the time. IN OTHER WORDS, he was a fucking parent to his brother when he was only 4, he would rather die in the most slow, most painful death than return to childhood. is he even still alive bc he doesn’t know

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart? 

if you knew him before his skull was caved in, you would call him a freak for how fast he could think and solve problems. he was the type of genius you’d only heard about in stories, and he pissed off his teachers because he never even needed to be taught. show him the super simple problem once and he knew how to do everything for the next three weeks. he grew up on the streets and read shakespeare for fun. he lost it all. it now only shows rarely, on really good days, when the stars want to align.

🍉  :    which of the four seasons suits my muse best,  and why? 

summer. he literally lived outside most of the time since he was a kid, and summer nights were easiest. outdoor concerts, parties late at night, cookouts and campfires. he also loves storms.

🍌  :    is my muse inclined to help others,  or will they only do it when it benefits them,  if at all?  what makes them this way?  has it ever gotten them into trouble,  or inconvenienced them?

which personality is showing most at the time? he’s gotten accused of rape for helping a woman once. let that sink in. but also, he’s helped so many people he’s protected by half the city’s underworld. who knows.

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes? 

o k a y listen. these r getting too hard i literally don’t know ok can i asked which disorder or which personality is showing most at the time for this bc IT CHANGES like everything always does. mostly, he’s,, weird. he actively seeks it out in the sense he’ll go on dates regularly, but he’s not actually trying to find a girlfriend. he’s carefree. also traumatized. really wanted romance until his heart was ripped to shreds and now he’s convinced himself he’s not lovable, too complicated, extremely undesirable, and especially undeserving of it. he won’t let it happen. no one should have to suffer by having to deal with him. if you’re including things that were just for fun and both parties knew it wasn’t serious, he’s had a few girlfriends. if we’re only including serious things, then he’s only had (1) serious boyfriend. They were together for nearly two years, and they split solely because Jeremiah a) didn’t want sex as much and b) didn’t want to try any kinks. def no trauma from that, absolutely doesn’t panic abt not being good enough or wanting it enough or being pleasing or being fun or attractive or too scarred. nope. also totally doesn’t do shit he doesn’t even like / triggers him just bc they want it gotta give it to them. perfectly fuckin’ fine after one relationship.

🍓  :    how is my muse typically seen by others?  does it ring true to who they really are?  does their reputation matter to them? 

our options: 1) aggressive 2) smooth n flirty 3) soft n adorable. he is all of the above. if you’re from the city and connected to the drug world at all, there’s a big ass chance you’re aware he was a major dealer at one point, the son of a psycho serial killer, and connected to damn near every gang in some way. there are few people who would be stupid enough to hurt him, just because there’s probably some member somewhere who’s going to get revenge for it. his rep is pretty positive if ur aware he basically turned the outskirts of the city from a shithole to a really good community. otherwise, u probably just think ‘criminally insane deliquent’. he doesnt rly care about it unless u start asking about his fucking dad.

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it? 

b r u h i dont fuckin know im skipping this one, he’s just obsessive compulsive about the oddest things

🍋  :    what kind of diet does my muse have?  do they eat regularly,  or the standard 2-3 meals a day?  do they have to be reminded to eat,  or are they likely to remind others?  do they cook,  or have others cook for them?  do they eat healthily,  or not so much?  

no diet. no food. eat if money, starve if none. remember to eat who?? o u mean eat everything. who fucking knows. he can cook really well, sometimes, maybe. pizza and taco bell 4 life. fuck vegetables. fruits are delicious and to be treasured. he mostly eats like shit, if he eats at all.

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero? did they move away,  or do they wish to?

none. no fucks given. still here bc no money to move. would happily fuck off to Paris or something.

[mag7dumbies]

Magnificent Seven (1960) warning heavy spoilers ahead

Okay, compadres you ready? I’m leaving a few things out cause some of it just doesn’t make sense but for the most part, I didn’t leave anything out so that means there is a lot of cursing so be prepared for that

(Okay I got cookies, plans to make popcorn later and the Seven stupidest men ever about to come on my screen yeehaw mfs)

(This theme song is a bop, Elmer Bernstein is a genius)

Huh wonder who’s the bad guy, can’t be the dude in red (haha jk he’s an ass)

“I’ll be back” (what is he the Terminator)

“Stupid” well yeah the guy running at you with a machete (?) wasn’t the smartest but you didn’t have to kill him

I actually love how everyone is wearing white (like yeah I know white doesn’t absorb sun well so that’s why) it just makes everything really picturesque and almost heavenly you know

All these guys have fantastic ideas about how to take care of the problem and the head honcho is like ‘really tricking the man who just shot one of our own is not going to work don’t be stupid’

“Let's go ask the old man” we about to get Godfather in this bitch

(It was a machete hell yeah I knew it)

“Buy guns?” “Go to the border guns are plentiful there” Dude that hurts but it’s very very true

(There are so many parallels to the pilot I love it)

We getting racist in this bitch and in rides, Chris like the suicidal idiot he is and Vin is just like I’ll help you go bury an Indian who deserves proper respects like the man we know and love (ugh love this)

Literally used his boot to light a match, Chris stop being extra

And the whole town is following them like it’s the best thing to happen since… I don’t know a herd of cows came through town… (Man aren’t we lucky for the internet)

Love how the second Vin hears a slur Chris is like hold your horses buckaroo it’s just the wind (cause apparently the wind is racist all of a sudden)

Who is this person following them like a puppy (Jd anyone, although I know that’s not his name in the movie but he sure is acting like it)

Well, the graveyard scene left two people bleeding and no other corpses than the one they started with. Larabee, Tanner, and Jackson should take notes

“We think you’re a man we can trust” Bitch I wouldn’t trust Chris as far as I can throw him (I love him but the boy doesn’t have a great track record)

What’s with the fuchsia bag did they even have fuchsia back then? (Apparently fuchsia came to America in 1892 so I don’t know)

“Every man wears a gun” “Sure, like wearing pants, its expected” good lord Chris

What kind of clapping game is this

I really don’t understand Craps 

These guys are just mocking Vin about going to work at a grocery store and I’m living for it

And Chris you got three including yourself, Harry and Vin learn to count idiot

Those two just get off their horses with such grace I could watch that 100 times and still be entranced  

“I heard you’re broke” “Nah I’m doing this because I’m an eccentric millionaire” (Good lord O’Reilly, he is now a new fave of mine)

What the fuck is up with Chris’s hips like why is he swaggering like some hotshot

And if O’Reilly is so expensive what the fuck did he do with the money to make him end up dirt poor and cutting wood

Britt has the longest, lankiest legs I have seen on a man in a very long time

What game were they playing bullets are expensive stop messing around

Oh no the kid’s drunk and mad wonder what the hell he’s gonna do (probably something stupid)

This bitch with his wacky accent I can’t take him seriously, he just needs to chill

Okay I didn’t mean for you to collapse

Chris just fucking left him on the floor good lord

Okay everyone needs to dial the sass from 150 to a nice steady 50 cause damn

The kid is so so stupid, and Harry is just as worried about him as Buck was it's sweet

“What a chucklehead” (good lord I feel that)

Wtf the kid just caught a fish with his bare hands (that might take him out of the running for being Jd who couldn’t catch a fish even if it was handed to him)

Okay the TV show is just full of idiots, the movie makes them out to be brilliant assholes and I don’t know which one I prefer

Okay who names their child Hilario like that just isn’t right (like it’s fine but it’s too close to hilarious for me to take it seriously)

The kid is such a fucking ass, can someone shoot him for me like fuck

(Guys just to keep you in the loop I’m not even an hour in)

Look its Lanky legs Mcgee (aka Britta filter aka Britt)

The kid needs a baby sitter

Surprise surprise the kid did something stupid, (no really I’m shocked, not)

Kid, don’t do it I know it’s a bull and bulls are cool but don’t be fucking stupid playing bullfighter

Kid, she did not try to take your eye out she just slapped you (well deserved I might add) and what do you mean you’ll bite back what are you doing

WTF KIDDO WILL YOU QUIT AND DRINK SOME RESPECTING WOMEN JUICE

She’s wearing pants- is that accurate

Vin is sipping that juice like a good boy 

The boys are so sweet and it makes me emotional

The old guy is gonna die isn’t he

Here we go ya’ll it’s about to get serious 

Seriously don’t throw a hissy fit cause Chris tells you to go away

Love that the guns seem authentic (makes me happy)

(Plus the horse actors are doing fantastic the trainers should be proud)

Kid what are you doing, that’s a good way to accidentally step on your hat

Oh fuck here we go again

Chico is literally going to get shot if he isn’t careful (Chico is the kid btw)

Oh God I love these kids “if you get killed we’ll avenge you and put fresh flowers on your grave” plus they drew straws (how is that not just the best thing you’ve ever heard)

Chico, the girl obviously likes you (don’t know why, you’re an idiot, but extremely cute just saying)

(I fucking HATE the new hat it fills me with rage)

Wait a diddly darn minute did Chico just infiltrate the gang with that stupid hat

Awww my poor boy nightmares are the worst

O’Reilly is such a Dad and I love him

Harry will you quit before Chris kills you or I do it myself

This better be the last time cause lord I just wanna see him dead

Chris looks like he’s gonna whack a bitch when Calvera says he’ll give him a pardon

Oh no Chico is gonna do something idiotic- thank god Chris is there

O’Reilly is adorable- and has some goddamn sense and is willing to use violence (spanking of minors which I don’t exactly approve of) to show that being a gunhand is coward’s work

 “In Texas, only Texans can rob banks” wow did he just call our government and the whole state of Texas racist (yes I think he did)

Chico has some issues that he needs to see a therapist for (guess Chris will do though he needs about as much counseling)

By the way, Lee is the future Judge Travis if you guys didn’t know (Thank you Amazon- you might be all kinds of crap but hey at least you are informative) 

Harry you dirty rotten coward

Here we go once more, my dudes

Vin get yourself taken care of and go home- 

Harry that wasn’t helpful at all 

Why is everyone getting hurt all of a sudden 

Chris don’t lie to him it makes me feel bad

And stop breaking glass it’s hella expensive

Lee you stupid son of a bitch

This is a blood bath I don’t like it

 Britta Filter NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I DON’T LIKE THIS GAME ANYMORE I DON’T LIKE THIS I DON’T LIKE THIS I DON’T LIKE THIS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The old man lives wtf (I’m glad don’t get me wrong, but it still hurts my soul)

Three lived I don’t like this,

 Chico, I swear to God you and her’s kids are gonna be adorable don’t fuck this up

Everything hurts 

Well I’m in extreme emotional distress but you know I think I’ll be okay, now before we start with the show I gotta go water some plants- may be using my tears cause ow wasn’t expecting that ending

[momo-de-avis]

tell me more about millais and the whole "steal ur wife and have a happy marriage with her lmaoo" and the whole pedo thing??? im intrigued

At the top of my head and very quickly without bothering myself with checking things online cause I’m a bit lazy sorry (though I’ve been over this story for quite a while, I trust my instinct)

When the Pre-Raphaelites appeared, they were the bad boys of London. Reasons:

1) Fucked around, mostly Rossetti

2) Broke academic rules by painting in excruciating and vivid details that weren’t possible with the naked eye (like Holman Hunt painted every single blade of the grass—your eye can’t see it unless you stare closely at it, so academically, that was ugly)

3) Used redheaded women as models. Now, Victorians were absolute fucking lunatics, but the ideal beauty to them was some corpse-looking Morticia Adams. Black hair and pale skin, was top notch. Blonde, blue-eyed beauty came second, probably. What mattered was the pale skin. It was a trend among Victorian women to paint purple and blue veins to look as dead as possible because the frailty of women in a society that told they literally were good for nothing except breeding was the Latest Trend. Redheads, however, were considered cursed. Case in point: the greatest pre-raphaelite muse, Lizzie Siddal: she was not only a red-head, but her skin was also darker than most prefered. Not that she was anything but a white woman, just not white enough to look like you were already flirting with tuberculosis and ready to die fashionably at 40 (though Lizzie was famous for being constantly sick and bedridden. And addicted to Laudanum, like a good Victorian).

4) Basically what gave them the name: PRE-raphaelite. To explain quickly: academic painting privileged the art that resembled Raphael's paintings: harmonious, made of volumes through precise shadowing, mannerist in its style. Line and drawing prevailed above colour. This is linked to formalism so I’m just gonna wrap it up quickly: drawing was considered the intellectual form of art (because in the 16th century people were like ‘oh, astronomy is a science!’ and 'oh, mathematics is a science!’ and people were like, 'well shit, we gotta find a reason to call arts a science too’ and the Renaissance worked that out by explaining that drawing was basically a form of science. Take Da Vinci). The Pre-raphaelites said: fuck that noise, and privileged colour. They used techniques to brighten their paintings (like a layer of white paint applied to the canvas before they applied the preliminary drawing, which made the colours stand out, and then finished it off with wax varnish, which makes it glow. If you ever see a PR painting live, note just how vivid it is. It looks like it’s never gonna wear off, it’s incredible). So with this, they basically said the Royal Academy was a bunch of piss babies who knew jack shit about painting (the accusation of being dumbasses included).

5) …but to be that guy, you had to LIVE the life. So, if you privilege medieval thinking, lifestyle and theology, what you gotta do? BE that medieval knight Victorians thought were oh so Chivalric. Again, famously, Lizzie Siddal is known to be the bad girl of this revival: she refused to wear crinoline and whatever shit the Victorian ladies wore. She wore loose dresses, no corsets and overall dressed like the engravings on Tennyson’s Idylls of the King. She was actually lauded for her commitment like, even Ruskin at one point saw Rossetti as a piss baby rock star wannabe who never finished his shit, but this girl? She committed.

So you see, when these guys popped up, Victorians scowled. BADLY.

But they knew that, to conquer the hearts of promiscuous dandies and hypocritical high-society, laudanum-ridden, arsenic-eating uptight douches and douchesses, they had to get to the loins of one man: most important art critic of his time, single-handedly responsible for elevating William Turner to the True Genius of English Painting: John Ruskin.

Now, just WHO was John Ruskin?

First of all, this little shit was overtly religious. Protestant kind, so you know what you’re in for. This guy studied Turner back and forth, knew everything about him, wrote extensively of his genius and was responsible, as I said, to consecrate him to the memory of British sea painting. Except he purposefully left a bit out, one particular episode of Turner’s life that, to Ruskin’s mind, would ruin his reputation.

Turner was a freak. My man has ENDLESS erotic drawings that go from curious artist look into the Vagina from full-blown pre-victorian porn. And Ruskin kept it all locked away inside his drawer.

The thing was, Ruskin was brought up surrounded by art. This guy looked at Roman statues of women, with their perfectly waxed peepees and toned arms supporting perky breasts and DEAD ASS though this was what women looked like.

So he married Effie Gray, a woman in everything respectable, a prosperous marriage for the good ol’ Victorian lady and dude.

And for the next five years of their marriage proceeded to REFUSE to even touch her.

When the pre-raphaelites pop up, Ruskin attends their very first exhibition and writes them a glowing review. Immediately they go from nut-heads to pop stars. But among them all, it was clear that it was John Everett Millais who was the most talented. So Ruskin took him under his wing.

His first assignment was: paint my portrait. But the pre-raphaelites did something the British academics didn’t: to paint nature, they went outside and painting the motif by looking directly at it. And Ruskin, who praised this mode of making art, had in mind the precise spot he wanted to be painted on: a waterfal or some shit in Scotland, where he owned a cottage.

This cottage was not big. It was actually rather small—you know, in pretending-to-be-a-peasant-is-so-much-fun! victorian fashion. And what does this absolute buffoon does? He invites Millais and his wife Effie in to paint his portrait.

Now I want you to imagine this woman, who has been pushing down 5 years of Horny, putting up with this dude’s shit, enclosed in a tight space with this man—who was older than herself—and incidentally, a handsome looking young fella who paints nicely.

I insist on this thing that Ruskin didn’t touch his wife because he thought women looked like statues because he actually told her. He told her he found her repulsive because—what do you know!!! The peepee’s got some pubic hair! And women menstruate! And like, we’re real fucking things, not Pygmalion's wet dream forged over and over again! She actually wrote a letter to her father detailing this (if you watch the show Desperate Romantics, the scene were Effie confesses this to Millais, the actress is actually reciting this letter word for word).

So when they return to London after the painting is done, they just… Fall in love. I mean, shit, what was she supposed to do?

The face of a man who doesn’t know he’s about to be shit-whipped by his pupil, painted by none other than his protegée, this same pupil.

But remember: no matter what Victorian fangirls say, and whatever that Victorian TV show tries to show you, this society was absolute utter shit for women. Effie Grey presented an annulment proposal to her marriage, and society collapsed on her. She was actually blamed for the fact that Ruskin wouldn’t consummate the marriage. And because she had grown quite close to Millais, she had to prove before the entirety of Victorian society that she was a virgin. Oh, yes. It’s what you’re thinking.

Those open-your-legs-wide-and-let-me-insert-this-not-at-all-friendly-looking-metal-utensil-up--your-private-canal-to-prove-you-are-a-virgin. This, mind you, was back then as utterly humiliating as it sounds now, and to make matters worse, Mr. I-only-fuck-clean-shaven-pussy claimed she was mentally unstable.

Either way: annulment conceded, and she married John Everett Millais. The two went on to a lifelong of fucking and 8 children. Check Millais’ painting Peace Concluded and tell me those two idiots did not die happy together.

I kid you not: until Millais’ death, Effie was socially ostracized. She was even barred from being present in social events where Queen Victoria was, proclaimed by the Queen herself (because remember kids! Victorian society absolutely sucked because it was none other than our favourite imperialist who made it so!) even after she ordered Millais the first Laureate painter. It was only when Millais was dying that in his death bed he BEGGED to lift that stupid shit and she conceded. I just honestly believe Effie didn’t give a shit at this point, because my girl was happy.

So, you ask, what happened to Ruskin?

Don’t think he got off easy lmao. He had his own demise. He wasn’t seen with good eyes after the whole annulment debacle. But of course, being the pissy adult he was, he had to make things worse.

Enter Rose de La Touche.

You see, Rose de la Touche was Ruskin’s pupil. She is, as far as we can tell from his writings, the only woman he ever called attractive and revealed to be attracted to her. When, you ask?

When she was fucking 9 years old, the first time he met her.

He became tutoring her when she was 14. At this point, this ugly ass vulture was way past his 40s. Rose’s parents actually made it worse if my mind doesn’t fail me, but I’m not certain so I won’t address them. Either way, he pretty much groomed her and she grew infatuated with him. He actually made plans to marry her once she turned like, 18 or something, like a good pedo.

The only reason Rose didn’t marry Ruskin? Effie Gray stepped in. Not that she was that interested in what was to happen. The thing was, the reason for the annulment was that Ruskin was impotent, and if he fucked a healthy girl and she got pregnant, she’d be in the shits. But either way, I think it was easy given that he was like 40 years older or some shit. Rose actually declined to marry because she wanted the marriage to be unconsummated, but this time around, ya big Pedo declined! I wonder why was it so easy the first time, and so hard now that he found himself a neat little child to corrupt, right?

At some point, even fucking Rossetti intervened. Now, Rossetti was the rock star of his time: he fucked everything that moved, he got into affairs with the wives of his pupils while Lizzie lingered between life and death at his home, and it took him some 9 years to finally keep his promise to Lizzie and marry her ass. He was the last person you’d expect to say a thing. But you know you’ve fucked up and that you’re a perverted piece of shit when THIS IS THE GUY who steps in to say 'hey, Ruskin, big fan, but you really gotta tone it down cause even I’m not a pedo, pal’.

Now listen: yeah, there’s a lot of speculation about Ruskin’s 'love affair’ with Rose de La Touche. Did he really fall in love with her when she was 9? We don’t know. We don’t care either, because it doesn’t make him any less a fucking pedo. Like, yeah, good art critic, nice theory on the whole Modern Painting book, but this dude had some serious issues.

And there you go

[leighlikesthing]

How the Televisions Have Turned

When I was in high school, I was considered pretty strange. The comic book addiction, a taste for music made before I was born...an aversion to the Backstreet Boys...I wasn’t considered a normal teenage girl.

Another “weird thing” about me was a deep love for off-kilter TV. Presently, television is a huge, cultural thing. With the invention of Netflix and Hulu and other streaming services, comes a society that is super into weird, daring television, which makes my nerdy little heart sing.

In high school, my TV watching habits went like this:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Angel: the Series

Farscape

The Invisible Man

I wasn’t always home for an episode. I spent an unreasonable amount of time setting up our videotape player to record these shows when I knew I wouldn’t be home to watch live, and my parents were, if nothing else, cognizant of the fact that when it was TV time, either my friends were coming over to watch, or I was to be left alone on the couch. The cat was allowed to participate, but that was it. They would head upstairs to do their thing, and leave me to it.

Mostly because I would yell at the television.

Weird kid. Weird, weird kid.

Television is a lot like comics. If given the chance, it can be this bizarre long-form storytelling vehicle and it can go, budget willing, wherever it damn well pleases. And that appealed to me, and still appeals to me, in a big way.

Buffy and Angel, to be honest, both hold up and don’t. As I get older, it becomes easier to spot the cracks in Joss Whedon’s vision. That his brand of feminism is...well, not as awesome as we thought it was. But there are some bright spots in these shows, and while it’s not the best acting you’ve ever seen, there’s a lot of heart behind it.

After all, it’s hard to hate on a universe where the words “You’re a wee little puppet man!” get yelled.

I still cannot get enough of Farscape. I have the DVD boxset, and maybe one day I’ll even save my pennies for one of the fancy DRD plushies on Etsy. There is something about how gross and weird and sad and hopeful and and and and and that makes this show something I keep coming back to.

It was cancelled at the end of season 4, which ended with a cliffhanger so cliffhangy that I literally screamed. It brought my dad downstairs to ask if I was okay, and when I told him what had happened, he looked at me funny and left the room.

I was like seventeen. Everything is an emergency at seventeen. Including the two main characters of one of your favorite TV shows getting - well. I won’t spoil it if you haven’t seen it.

Farscape, structurally, is genius. In season three, the writers realized early on that their ensemble cast was enormous, and focusing on all of the things they wanted to in the span of a season when all of these characters were living in the same place was tricky.

So instead of trying to make that set-up work, they cloned their main protagonist, split the ensemble into two teams and switched off every episode. It was a brilliant move that paid off in so many ways, both big and small. The writing was tighter, each character got to shine, and the pay-off culminates in possibly the most heartbreaking moment of television I’ve ever witnessed.

I could talk about Farscape forever, and to be honest, it should have its own rewatch. It’s officially on the list.

Lastly, we come to the Invisible Man, or, I-Man.

This makes me sad. My memories of this show are so fond. I remember adoring these characters. I wrote a lot of fan fiction for this show that never saw the light of day.

But the sad news is that it’s just not holding up for me.

The pilot, oddly enough, is actually super solid. It sets things up, and it makes you care about the characters, but...I’ve watched two episodes since (Catavari, It Hurts When You Do This), and they were…

They were dull.

Catavari didn’t hold my attention at all. There was scratching and dead people and the main authority figure of the series was in danger I guess. It became background noise, and It Hurts When You Do This, previously a favorite of my younger self, tries, but ultimately fails to keep me invested.

And in thinking about it, I wonder if the jokes and ideas in this episode in particular are just too juvenile for me now. Specifically, It Hurts has a running gag of Agent Bobby Hobbes having lost his short-term memory, and, sitting in the hospital, he keeps forgetting that his roommate is a woman.

He keeps repeating “...I gotta chick roommate?”

Now, at seventeen, I truly thought this gag was really funny.

As an adult...I mean, look. Bobby Hobbes is in his forties. The character has been married once before, and presumably, outside of being a secret agent, he’s lived a life. Being that old, and being that giddy about having a “chick roommate” at best comes off childishly irritating, and at worst, creepy as fuck, especially considering how much younger said “chick roommate” is than Agent Bobby Hobbes.

Add to that the fact that whoever transferred the show to DVD or streaming cut it wrong, and all the shots are off, slicing people’s faces in half, and sadly, I-Man isn’t holding up the way I had hoped.

I’m going to give it one more episode (Germ Theory from season 2 probably. I taped it and watched it constantly), and if it doesn’t live up to my memories, it’s time to throw in the towel.

And I wish that weren’t the case. I wish these characters sparkled the way they did for me back when I was younger. But with time comes wisdom...and other television show characters with more depth and funnier zingers than Darien Fawkes and Bobby Hobbes.

So I guess we’ll see. I may report back, or I may just let it go. Maybe there’s a way to salvage a show I loved so much as a kid, but my hopes aren’t super high. 

Sorry guys.

[ironbound-praetorium]

War Has the Worst Timing...

“Rae, seriously? I’m literally testing blood samples.”

Okay, so maybe my timing was a little off as I sneak up behind the Confessor and slide my hands under her robes, but damned if she doesn’t tip her head back and purr into my ear as it happens. I know Brilaria appreciates the three days worth of scruff on my face that she’s currently nuzzling into, regardless if she’s up to her elbows in blood. I know because that fine ass of hers is pressed right against my cock and the hellcat is wiggling like its her fucking job.

“You’ll never guess what I found down the hall...” I whisper against her ear, nudging a strand of her dark brown hair out of the way so I can nibble up the length of one long ear.

“Another nurse you want me to check out?” Damn, she knows me too well... but for once, she’s wrong.

“A telesurgery station with robotic augmentation.” I can feel the shiver run down her back as I tell her about the latest Titan discovery in her ear. The moan she lets slip out is one I know well, but damned if it doesn’t make me want her all the more.

“Gods, I love when you talk medical marvels to me...” Only Bri would be ready to ride my cock into next week over the prospect of laser surgery, and gods do I love her for it.

Brilaria Suncrest and I go back even before I lost my Rose. In fact, the Praetoriums Confessor was our favorite castmate when it came to the bedroom, as Vinnie and I were never ones for anything vanilla. It’s an arrangement that carried over even after Vinnie’s mortal form burned on the pyre and she took her rightful place as one of Eonar’s Chosen. Granted, took me about a year to want to get my dick wet after I lost her, but sure enough, when I was ready, Bri was right there.

See, she’s lost two husbands to the bullshit wars this world has conjured up, and has quite made up her mind to have nothing but casual sex for the rest of her days. Which, works well for me given my heart is waiting for me on a battlefield in Icecrown.

Bri knows that, but it’s never given her a moments pause when it came to crawling across my lap and fucking me until I can’t even remember my name. Ya gotta love a woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t demand feelings attached to mind blowing sex. Bri’s a fucking gift from the Light, sent to keep my insatiable ass from chipping away at a hundred bed posts over my lifetime. And, if I do say so myself, the girl never leaves walking straight, or without a shit eating grin... so I must be doing something right.

“You have the little girl from last week coming in for her cast in about twenty. Should be the last one of the day....” she says as I let her get back to the samples, knowing damned good and well she’ll be naked in my bed before the night’s out.

“Alda! Yeah, I promised her we’d go check out one of the scooters I found in the supply room. That shit’s genius for kids! Took a trip to Stormwind to get her a shiny horn for it and everything. Should come down and see it...found little pink and green stars to put on it... well Neris put them on, but its still pretty great!” I can see her rolling her eyes at my excitement over this particular topic, but we’ve both been giddy since Mal brought us here.

It’s not just the city itself or what it stands for, though that is bloody fucking brilliant. No, this place has potential that comes from far more than its neutral idea of thinking, and more in the genius that exists in every corner. Sanctuary City has the potential to save thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of lives... and Bri and I both know it. We’ve dedicated our whole lives to healing people, as that’s what the Light calls us to do, but even we have our limits when it comes to what our magic can do. This place...seems to get rid of those limitations with every new piece of technology we come across. Shit, half of it I don’t even know what it does...but I’ve made it my mission to find out. We both have.

Neither of us hesitated to lend a hand when Mal said this place was in need of healers, but we totally didn’t expect this crazy ass city full of shit we can’t even pronounce, let alone use. I mean, Bri and I are both capable in most areas of healing and medical knowledge, but here? Shit... we’re in over our heads in the best fucking way imaginable.

“Still thinking about focusing on the kids here? Might help organize things a bit better...” She’s not wrong, and I can totally admit that working with kids is way better than listening to adults bitch and complain. Kids appreciate my dumb magic tricks and I gotta admit there’s nothing better than watching a little patient skip out of my company knowing they are back to full health. What can I say? I’m a sucker for make-believe and giggles that come from finding just the right spot to tickle to make them smile.

“Figuring so. Doesn’t mean I won’t see anyone who needs it... but might give any of their parents a bit of calm knowing they talk to the same healer every time, instead of bopping around and all of us scrambling to learn charts. Ya know, especially with chronic conditions...” I’ve dealt with more than a few cases of that kind of shit over the years, hell.... unexplained illness was the reason I learned to heal as my youngest sister (Light rest her soul) spent her life struggling with it.

“Going to have to control that tongue of yours if you except to not offend half this city with your sailors mouth...” Oh, I’m going to control it all right... right between those thighs of hers later. Damned if that thought doesn’t bring a shit eating grin that splits my face wide. She knows exactly what she said... and exactly the kinda thoughts that commentary brings.

“Guess I’ll just have to wear it out so as to not slip up and yell ‘fuck’ hunh?” I really can’t help the fact that my hands wander to her ass, I mean... it’s there... and Light have mercy, makes a man just want to build an altar to it and praise it’s creation. 

I’m halfway to my knees and that very devotion when Tanner comes skidding to halt outside the room we’re in, yelping in surprise as he spins his back to us. I can see the kids ears turning as red as my hair, and all I can do is fucking laugh my ass off and let go of Bri’s hips that were all too willing to part in some hideaway closet for an afternoon delight.

“Fucking hell, Tanner... you got the shit worst timing of any person I’ve ever-” I’m ready to send his ass back to the Commander for interrupting my pursuit of Brilaria, but then he starts talking and makes my blood boil.

“Pixie called in a 1078 for Darkshore. Horde’s launched an attack on Ashenvale, Captain. Addie’s in Darkshore with them breathing down her neck!” He’s still got his back turned, but Bri and I have lost all heat between us as we both make a grab for our medkits stacked in the corner. Fuck!

“What do you mean Horde attacked Ashenvale?” Bri asks as she trades her doctors coat for the battle robes of blue and silver she favors.  We’re already halfway out of the clinic when Tanner starts relaying the information he has. It’s not much, but it’s enough for both of us to exchange glances knowing the shit was about to hit the fan.

“Commander wants you both at the airstrip. The Baron’s already got backup on his way to Pixie, including the Runesinger....” I might dislike the Baron as a person, but that fucker doesn’t mess around when it comes to keeping our people safe. He sent our portal master after the Pixie knowing she’d need an escape route, and there’s none better. Seen that fucker rip open space right in the middle of Ulduar, so I know she’s in good hands. “Astranaar has already fallen, according to the Baron...and their destroying everything in their path on the way to Lor’Danil.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is not good at all. “Mal’s going after the civilians.” Bri and I both realize this as the same time, as the Commander wouldn’t just sit idly by and let innocent lives fall under the weight of faction wars and banners. Tanner confirms this as we’re jogging through the city on a direct path for the airstrip, but I know this plan isn’t going to save them all. Fucking hell, there are times I really hate the fucking Horde...though a few weeks ago I was ready to make myself a nice fur rug outta Greymanes ass, so....both sides suck.

“Commander’s got the troops rallying at Light’s Hope, waiting his orders.... or whatever the  fuc-...” Tanner knows better than to adopt my language, but I can’t fault him for it right now, this whole situation is a shit storm, and I know the kids scared. “Commander has a plan that involves an airship.”

I swear to the fucking Light I can hear Bri’s mental gears turning as she starts plotting and planning the rescue effort from the healing side of things. She’ll have tents and tags ready to deploy at a moment’s notice; this isn’t either of our first rescue missions, and judging by the sound of things.. it’s not going to be our last.

“Well then, let’s go save the fucking world one more gods damned time...” I’m getting really tired of this shit. Thought I’d be done getting involved in world ending problems after the debacle in Ulduar with the Observer. You’d think after nearly being reoriginated the assholes in this world would have sat the fuck down and chilled the fuck out... but no. Here I go again, cleaning up their fucking mess.

((

@khan-of-the-ruruan

@kelladen

@aresh-isdiearore

@sanctuary-city-wra

@adilynia

@teren-k

@kelly-hartford

@silverfall-patriarch

@ly-canthos

@lochlyn-kiden

for mentions and all that ))

THE PIXIE’S VIEW

THE COMMANDER’ VIEW

THE PRIESTS VIEW

THE GUARDIANS VIEW

[evenstevensranked]

#6: Season 1, Episode 18 - “Movie Madness”

Louis takes a stab at directing a short film in hopes of winning the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival and it is absolutely incredible. Not the film, the film is god awful. But Louis’ blatant, unfiltered narcissism -- THAT is something to behold. The subplot follows yet another one of Ren’s attempts to approach Bobby Deaver for the first time but somehow results in some glorious miscommunication between her and recurring character Ivan.

This one opens in history class with a teacher named Todd Zanders who only appears in this one episode. I kinda love this guy and wish we saw more of him. He’s a total hippie and is making the class take “deep, cleansing breaths -- in with the good, out with the bad” when Louis comes running in late and disrupts the peace. Louis is clearly excited about something so Todd pulls the old “why don’t you share with the rest of the class” card, probably hoping that will intimidate Louis and shut him up, but this is Louis Stevens we’re talking about here. Todd technically gave him the floor, so ya know Louis is gonna run with it. He gets up on his chair and announces to everyone that he’s going to be entering his currently non-existent film in the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival. 

“I, Louis Stevens, will be entering my film in the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival. And after I win first place in the festival and get my million dollar movie deal... I will, sadly, be moving to Beverly Hills to a sprawling ranch home.” -- The narcissism is already in full swing. I love it. I also love that Louis says he’ll be moving to a ranch home because he already stated in Episode 15 that he’s “always liked ranch style!” houses. Good continuity. 

Louis goes on to say he’ll be needing a limo driver, a gardener and even suggests that Todd should be his personal chef. Oh my god. He tells Tawny, Twitty, and Tom to meet him at his house after school to discuss the logistics of the project and its million-dollar plot.

It cuts to the subplot where we meet both Ruby and Bobby for the first time! Ruby is reporting to Ren with her latest gossip column and the two of them end up checking out Bobby Deaver from across the hall. I just gotta include a gif of Bobby’s first appearance because the level of intentional dramatic cheese is hilarious. 

Ren is gushing over Bobby from afar saying things like “He’s so cute. Look at his hair... It’s perfect. Look at his walk! He’s so cool!” and for whatever reason, everyone’s favorite lackey Ivan is within earshot and assumes Ren is crushing on him. He’s flying solo in this episode and I guess this shows us why he’s a hanger-on every other time we see him. Ivan on his own is pretty sad and shy. 

Ivan under the impression that Ren’s compliments are directed at him. 

Ruby inspires Ren to talk to Bobby but warns Ren that she should write down everything she wants to say to him beforehand to ensure their first conversation will be absolutely perfect. We get a bit later on where Ren is in her room trying to come up with an ideal icebreaker and oh my freaking god. This has got to be one of my favorite Ren scenes in the entire series. Good LORD! She imagines how each scenario could play out in her head and I die laughing every time. Two brilliant ideas she comes up with are to walk right up to Bobby and say “Hey, Bobby. Nice belt!” or my personal favorite: “Hey, Bobby! Oh, I wouldn’t try that Salisbury steak if I were you!” The writing on this show is so incredibly random sometimes that it only ever results in greatness. Also “Nice belt!” is so disturbing. She says it in the most suggestive way too. Why are you staring at.. that... region, Ren?! Each ridiculous scenario ends with Bobby making the most irritated and confused face and completely ignoring her... because, I mean... would you know what to say to someone who walks up to you, creepily smiles, and tells you to avoid eating Salisbury steak with no further explanation? 

I just realized that this show often depicts girls as being the first ones to make a move or initiate a relationship, which is kinda cool since we’re pretty much conditioned to sit around and wait. 

After everything, Ren ultimately decides that marching up to him and saying “Hi, Bobby! I have a big crush on you and I just wanted to let you know how I feel!” is the best way to go. 

It cuts to Louis’ room where he’s having that meeting with Tawny, Twitty, and Tom. Once again, we see Louis determined to find his "thing." That’s pretty much what the overall theme of the show originally set out to be. In addition to our lovely bickering siblings, of course. Here, he’s super optimistic that he’s finally found his “thing” in writing/directing. Sweetie!!! Your thing is comedy!! We all know this already!!!! But, still. I really enjoy the idea of Louis constantly searching for something to excel at. He explains to them that “Everyone has their thing. Twitty has his music! You’ve got your poetry! Tom’s got..... his... parents!” HAHA. Poor Tom. 

Louis goes on to brief the gang on the plot of the movie which he describes as “the classic love story about an alien (Tawny) and a cowboy (Twitty).” An instant classic, honestly. Louis truly believes that they’ll “walk in as nobodies, and walk out as stars” after appearing in his movie. Well, everyone except Tom -- who he relegates to the role of his assistant. 

”I see stars.” 

It cuts straight to filming and boy do things really get going now. Louis has transformed part of the living room into a tinfoil explosion, which I’m assuming is supposed to be the inside of a spaceship. (see cover photo.) This episode is FULL of amazing dialogue and quotes from Louis. It’s insane! So, as usual, it’s going to be very difficult for me to not quote every single one. Twitty decided that his cowboy should have giant mutton chop sideburns and speak with an English accent without consulting Louis, Louis gets insulted because “that’s not in the script” -- which Twitty and Tawny haven’t even been given yet. Once they get their scripts, however, they’re confused as to why it’s only one page. Louis, being the informed and gifted director he thinks he is, condescendingly explains “We’re only shooting scene 27 today. We shoot out of order. It’s called filmmaking.” Except everyone knows that films shoot out of order due to the availability and scheduling of the sets/locations and actors, etc. Louis Stevens has only two actors at his indefinite disposal and seemingly one set location. He’s literally shooting out of order for no reason and is completely oblivious. It’s great. 

Louis can’t be bothered with rehearsals, blocking, or any other necessary steps towards making a movie and jumps straight to filming. Tawny is unsure of what he wants her to do because “all that script said was ‘the spaceship lands and the alien looks around.’” Louis has no time for her valid confusion and snaps “THAT’S RIGHT. YOU’RE CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED. DID YA READ IT?!?!” I love this so much. Louis starts recording and Tawny vents out of character/as herself: “This is ridiculous. I don’t know where I am! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” and Louis praises her ‘performance.’ HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

“GENIUS! THAT IS GENIUS! RIGHT ON THE MONEY, BABE! RIGHT ON THE MONEY!”

I’m not even sure how to review the next part of the episode because the performances truly speak for themselves and I gotta stop myself from typing out a transcript of the whole thing, lol. Basically, Louis goes into full meltdown mode. Freaking out over Tawny saying “Hi, Cowboy” instead of “Hello,” Twitty’s unauthorized addition of a gold tooth for his cowboy, and Ren interrupting a scene. “PEOPLE, THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY. THIS IS A MOVIE. IT’S MY MOVIE. WHICH I WILL NOT LET YOU MESS UP!” He instructs Twitty and Tawny to meet him outside for a saloon scene. Except Louis doesn’t have saloon money: 

Twitty: “Louis! What is this, man? Where’s the rest of the saloon?!” Louis: “CUT! Twitty, it’s a close-up. No one’s gonna see the saloon!! Let’s try it again. But this time, give me a little more.” Twitty: “More what?!”  Louis: “JUST MORE!!!!!!”

-- Louis Stevens, everyone. The greatest director of our time. 10/10 would recommend. 

We get possibly the greatest line in the whole episode when they start filming and a lawnmower revs up as soon as Louis shouts ‘action.’ He cannot believe the audacity of his neighbor and shouts “WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THE NOISE?! WHO MOWS THEIR LAWN ON WEDNESDAY?!?!?!” Things only get worse when the sprinklers randomly turn on too. At this point, Louis is #confirmed crazy. 

“TOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I also love Louis’ little toilet paper roll that serves absolutely no real purpose. 

The next day, they move on to filming the big finale scene where Zenobia the Alien takes off in her spaceship, leaving her cowboy lover behind. Louis originally intended for it to take place during a harsh winter blizzard and assigned Tom the responsibility of making convincing snowflakes. Tom shows up with this: 

“TOM, YOU CHOWDERHEAD! I ASKED FOR SNOWFLAKES, NOT DOILIES!”

Louis has no choice but to ditch the blizzard and changes it to “a blazing desert windstorm in the middle of fall.” Okay. Zenobia’s spaceship is a tiny tinfoil thing way up in the trees and Tawny’s like “......how am I supposed to get up there?!” and Tom arrives with a “harness” that’s actually just a freaking elastic luggage rope as if that’s going to handle Tawny’s weight. But Louis assures her “of course it’s safe!!!” because he had Tom test it on a 20-pound sack of potatoes. Sounds legit. 

Is he gonna add that “blazing desert windstorm” in post, or? 

They start filming and sure enough, the “harness” breaks and Tawny falls a good 8 feet to the ground. Louis couldn’t care less though and the gang is D O N E with him at this point. They all quit the project on the spot, leaving Louis to finish the movie himself. Tom was the last one to quit and it’s pretty sad. Louis immediately looks to Tom as a last resort and expects him to step in and help finish the movie, but Tom flat out says “you’re only nice to me when you want something” and Louis has no remorse like “yeah, so?” -- This is the only part of the episode that kills me. But even so, you can tell that Louis is realizing the error of his ways pretty quickly. 

Louis left sad and deserted. “I CAN FINISH THIS MOVIE BY MYSELF!!! .....It’s my ‘thing’.”

Unfortunately, finishing the movie himself includes having to play every role himself as well. Louis is confident that if he shoots at the right angle and disguises his face and voice, no one will be able to tell the difference: “It’s called Movie Magic.”

Ren: “I’m sorry, little three-eyed girl, but do you know where my brother is?”

It cuts back to the subplot. Remember how Ren wrote a hypothetical note to Bobby just to get her thoughts down? Well, she gave it to Ruby to read and Ruby proceeded to stuff it into Bobby’s history textbook without Ren’s permission. Great job, Ruby. Unsurprisingly, Ren is livid. I would be too. Ren is a mess during history class, sweating the moment when Bobby will take out his book. So she crawls on the ground and tries to sneakily retrieve the note from his backpack. This is pretty funny. Her teacher is the same hippie guy, Todd, and this time he’s making Ren’s class do stretches “for knowledge, focus, and concentration.” Once Ren is spotted on the ground lookin’ like a weirdo, she makes up some bogus excuse that she was “squatting for truth!” HAHAHA.

She’s unable to get the note back in time, but amazingly... the note isn’t even in Bobby’s book! Turns out Ivan and Bobby bumped into each other in the hallway earlier and accidentally swapped books in the process. Therefore, the note was delivered to Ivan. You guys know I love a good miscommunication plot. They never fail to make me laugh. Ivan dramatically approaches her later and says “Ren... It needs to end. The looks in the hall, love notes...” I really love Eric Jungmann’s performance here. He’s pretty hilarious and obliviously arrogant, thinking that Ren is in love with him. One thing I never understood was how Ivan could think the note was written for him though? Because I’m SURE Ren must’ve written Bobby’s name somewhere on there! Unless she was keeping it super mysterious for whatever reason. Anyway, Ivan says “Please, Ren. Don’t speak. I’m gonna walk away now. Try not to watch me.” I love it. That’s the end of the subplot. Much like in Surf’s Up, I wish this miscommunication plot had more layers!! 

Ren just stares at him all ~fake-emotional~ and lets him believe what he wants to believe lol.

CUT TO THE FILM FESTIVAL!!! Which takes place at the real-life Vista Theatre in Los Angeles. (Another filming location I’ve added to my bucket list, tbh.) Louis is clearly anxious while waiting around for the festival to kick off and is kinda dreading the ~big premiere~ of his million-dollar movie. He’s sort of standing there rambling random things off to people like ‘have your people call my people!’ and at one point walks alongside a guy and says “yada, yada, yada... let’s just talk about somethin’!” -- Seinfeld reference, anyone?! Crazy to think that the “Yada Yada” episode first aired a mere 4 years before this at the time. I just thought that line was another awesome, subtle thing to throw in and makes for a cool connection to Louis’ Kramer poster. Of course, Louis Stevens would casually quote Seinfeld! I bet it was an ad-lib, honestly. Shia’s the best.

In the end, Twitty, Tawny, and Tom eventually show up in support of Louis and his movie. Louis apologizes for acting like a jerk and Tom even vows to put  “the snowflake incident” behind them. It’s a nice moment before the premiere of what might be the best worst movie ever made, only in competition with Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. 

Let’s just say, “Three Eyes Wide Shut” premiered to... mixed... reviews from the audience. It's very embarrassing. We never actually see the finished product. They only show us a few scenes, which always bummed me out. So I took it upon myself to edit together what “Three Eyes Wide Shut” might’ve turned out like given everything we saw Louis film. And it’s... something:

The intro alone kills me. You know a movie’s gonna be a doozy when the opening credits are typed in Comic Sans. Notice how at the very end Tom mispronounces his own name?! He definitely says “Tom Griblaowski.” Really weird. 

Needless to say, Louis is absolutely mortified by how awful his movie was. He tries hiding by attempting to blend in with some cardboard cutouts in the lobby, but... you can kinda see him there. 

Fun Fact: I was recently binge-watching “That’s So Raven” in preparation for the “Raven’s Home” spin-off, and I was so shocked to discover how many actors they recycled from Even Stevens. Beans, Cynthia Mills, The Asian radio announcer guy, the “Look Smart, Be Smart” instructional tape guy, Beans’ cousin Chris, Mr. Crappizi the school photographer -- the list goes on and on. And if that wasn’t enough... THEY EVEN RECYCLED THESE CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS!!!!!

I DIED LAUGHING AS SOON AS I SAW THIS. Oh my god. I obviously recognized it right away. All of this recycling makes sense though, as both shows were produced by Brookwell/McNamara. But, like... wow. Amazing. After the movie, Twitty and Tom try to make Louis feel better by telling him “You got into the festival, didn’t you?! And they only took the Top 10 entries!” Which would’ve been nice... except Louis explains “Everyone got accepted. There were only 9 entries.” HAHAHAHA. As Twitty and Tom head home, Tawny emerges from the theater and her mind is still reeling from the movie. She’s the only other person on the planet who understood the message Louis was trying to convey which is apparently “feeling like an outsider and wanting to be accepted by your peers.” Yeah, right. 

I always thought it was a nice touch that Tawny wore a green shirt with eyes on it to the premiere of the movie. Definitely feels like a little tribute to Zenobia, lol. 

This is really great though because it sets up Louis and Tawny again nicely. It further establishes that Tawny understands Louis better than anyone else. She got the point of his film when no one else did. She asks if they can watch it again and after they do, all we hear is a sultry voiceover of Tawny saying "I liked it even better the second time" - Oh, God. This always made me really uncomfortable lol. The episode ends with fake “bloopers” from the making of the movie and I can’t deal with it. Interestingly, I watched this episode on TV not too long ago and they cut out Tom's rapid-fire accented quote "Taco burrito, nacho's premio, $1.89 for a limited time, you know what I'm saying?" -- Is that considered offensive or racially insensitive now? I’m assuming. I have no idea but, I thought that was weird and suspicious. 

And that’s it!

I love this episode. So, so much. There’s an aspect to it that is very ahead of its time. Like I mentioned, quality quotes are flying left and right in this one! The humor is ON POINT and the performances are stellar. Especially from Shia! I always say that this is one of the episodes where Louis is at his most ‘Michael Scott.’ There’s just this level of hilariously endearing narcissism that Michael exudes all throughout The Office’s run mixed with that signature dry humor and I get those vibes from Louis so strongly here. It makes me SO HAPPY. I mean, yeah, I usually don’t like it when Louis’ ugly side makes an appearance, but it’s beyond tolerable for me in this one because the plot is just so hysterical. As entertaining as Michael’s narcissism was, it also got him in a lot of trouble as well. Often resulting in very cringe-worthy moments or people resenting him, which we see happen to Louis here. Idk. I just love finding similarities between my favorite shows. This episode also reminds me of when Michael wrote and directed his own terrible movie “Threat Level Midnight.” HAHA. 

I love Ren’s side story, too. It’s one of her stronger/funnier ones for sure. The miscommunication always gets me and the plot is also pretty important because we’re introduced to Bobby and Ruby! I’m ranking this one juuuuust shy of the Top 5 due to it having two separate plots. My Top 5 are all episodes that interweave A and B plots because I feel like Even Stevens just works better that way in general. But, still. That doesn’t take away from how solid this episode is. It literally meets all of my criteria: Personal favorite, quality plotline, quotable dialogue, hilarity, iconicness, overall entertainment value, and there’s even some character development too! So good. 

Thanks for reading!!

Just so y’all know, I actually managed to get “Three Eyes Wide Shut” listed as a legitimate short film on IMDb. I am not kidding. Please feel free to leave a sarcastic review. It’s currently boasting a 6.0. LOL! 

For this episode’s Redbubble design, you can get a reproduction of the Three Eyes Wide Shut theatrical poster!! Omg. This is one of the first things I designed and it’s been sitting in my Redbubble drafts for months. I’m so excited to publish it! haha. The poster can be seen on Louis’ bedroom wall throughout the series! I also made a little “A Louis Stevens Production” design (Comic Sans and poor capitalization and all) with Louis as the MGM Lion, lol. 

Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | Redbubble 

[finn-got-tall]

prompts // suggestions

send requests to my inbox, [x] no more than four prompts per suggestion, please!

Don’t be afraid to suggest your own prompt! it does not have to be from this list!!!!

i do most any ship. please include ship or parring when you ask.

ALSO if you want to include a plot pleasssee do.

lots of credit to this wonderful person for helping me and giving me ideas and prompts for this list.

“What the fuck, man? Get off of me!”

“I swear to god, I’ll rip your skin off if you touch him/her/them again.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” “Who are you, my mom?”

“Don’t walk away from this!” “From what?” “THIS”

“I never stood a chance, did I.” “You did. Once.”

“You’re one insult away from starting a war.”

“Want to see what kind of trouble we can get into?”

“Oh god, we’re gonna die aren’t we?”

“You think I’m cute when I’m angry? Well, bitch, I’m about to be motherfUCKING GORGEOUS!”

“Make me feel something. Anything.”

“No, listen to me.”

“I don’t know if I can keep going like this.”

“Do you ever stop talking?”

“Everyone has a breaking point.”

“I’m not a fucking brick. I have emotions.”

“Stay here, I’m gonna go get help.”

“Holy shit, that’s a lot of blood.”

“It happened again. It keeps happening again.”

“So what you bitter piece of fuck? I’m nasty, lewd, I swear every third fucking word, and I’m a better person than you. Oh, that burns doesn’t it? That a piece of shit like me is more moral and good and pure than you can ever be?”

“I’m giving you/him/her/them everything I have and It’s not enough. That’s fucking bullshit.”

“Your stretchmarks are fucking awesome. They look like lightning bolts on your ass.”

“Sorry.” “Stop apologizing so much.” “Sorry- fuck!”

“I’ve got you. You’re okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

“Shut up!” “Make me!”

“It was over when you said goodbye.”

“Wanna make out?”

“God, I hate everything about this place.”

“Isn’t it so painfully obvious that I’m in love with you?”

“Words just aren’t working right now.”

“Don’t die.”

“No. I’m not letting you tattoo me.” “But you lost!" 

"Did you steal that?” “Maybe” “Jesus Christ”

“So wait, you did what to me?”

“Too bad you didn’t listen to me when I warned you”

“You don’t know me” “But I want to know you and you won’t let me!" 

"You should’ve loved me when you had the chance”

“Fucking read my lips, I don’t love you so stop talking to me.”

“You’re the whole package, except without THE package.”

“Maybe people would like you more if you didn’t fuck everything up”

“Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve, you look like a desperate slut.”

“I love you” - “Yes, I love me too.”

“You hate rumors, but you’re spreading them? That doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“Do you ever stop feeling sorry for yourself?”

“Okay, stop, you’re beautiful, telling yourself you aren’t is ugly.”

“why are you wearing a dress?” “Because fuck you that's why.”

“STOP SCREAMING!”

“Are you okay?” “Not really, but I'm fine.”

“All that blood looks good on you. It really brings out your eyes.”

“Literally everything about this is illegal.”

“I love when someone insults me. It gives me permission to be a dick.”

“Right now I don’t know if I should kiss you or push you off a bridge.” “Can I pick?”

“You’re a psychopath.” “I prefer creative.”

“I’d tell you to be yourself, but that almost got us killed last time.”

“Good morning, I see the assassins have failed.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you think it would be if-” “at least a twenty.”

“Tell me I’m going to die. Tell me the sun is going to explode. Tell me the world is ending and there’s nothing I can do about it. Because if I hear it’s going to be okay one more time I will scream.”

“You made your choice, I made mine. Just because you cant live with yours does not mean you should shame me for living with mine.”

“I heard that!” “You were supposed to!”

“Oh my God, you’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.”

“Don’t you have to be a dick somewhere else?” “Not until four.”

“This isn’t a guilt trip; I just want to know if I’m a bother or not.”

“I’m not a thief, I’m just really good at acquiring things that aren’t mine.”

“I didn’t do it.” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did do it is a fucking genius.”

“I have a plan.” “Is it a good one?” “I have a plan.”

“I’m way too sober for this.”

“Why are your hands purple?” “That’s a very good question.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to love me.”

“No one can see you cry in the rain.”

“You’re not scared?” “I’ve had worse nightmares about failing AP Chem.”

“You gotta stop doing that.” “What?” “Saying things that make me want to kiss you.”

“What’s our exit strategy?” “Our what?” “Oh God, we’re all gonna die.”

“Children shouldn’t play with guns.” “Who said I was playing?”

“I’ve come to kill you.” “Well, then we’ve got a problem. I didn’t come to die.”

“We can’t be together. Get over me.” “How can I get over someone who’s my whole world.”

“I had a really weird sex dream about you and I don’t know how to feel about it.”

“Do you think they’ll notice we left?”

“On a scale from 1-10, how hard do you want me to hit you?”

“You see the problem is, if I kissed you, I don’t know if I’d be able to stop.”

“I wish I was sorry, but I don’t regret any of it.”

“Hold up- just stop- just- what are you actually doing? It’s 2 AM.”

“Why don’t you care that everyone hates you?” “None of them hate me more than I do.”

“You/He/She/They took everything from me, and now I’ve got nothing to lose. So, yeah, I’d be fucking scared.”

“When was the last time you got a full night of sleep.”

“How did you talk me into this?”

“Trust me, I wish I could stop thinking.”

“I’d kick his ass, but I’d only have mine handed to me.”

“Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, do I look like Mother Teresa”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Are you wearing makeup?”

“You’re a freak.”

“What the hell is that?”

“I’m good, how are you?” “That’s probably the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.”

“What are you afraid of?” “Literally all of this!”

“Wait, why are you crying?”

“I’m gonna cut your dick off and show it to you.”

“I can’t sneak out! Have you met my parents/mother/father?”

“Why are we doing this at 3AM?”

“You frequently appear in my nightmares.”

“I never really understood you.”

“This has got to be the most bullshit thing I have ever done.”

[sugar-petals]

This is kind of an out of nowhere statement but one of my biggest pet peeves is when people think that an idol having confidence on stage automatically makes them a dom. Like Taeyong is one of the most obvious subs I know of, I mean, he literally said that he wants a partner that takes charge in the relationship and asks to be scolded. Yet people still go "But he has such a big stage presence he must be a daddy dom!!" Confidence does not equal sexual dominance.

Yes. I call that “the Kai effect” which has also haunted BTS ever since 😅 Now, in all seriousness… I do get why submissive fans search for something to draw clues from. Something arousing that matches their own preference. Stage confidence being the first thing that might catch their eye, and it is crafted for that very purpose to show a certain artistic image to present and sell the music. So fans deduce from that, it is convenient, it is satisfying, it is addicting. Even if what you see are the choreographer’s ideas and results of strict training that molds male idols into a designated archetype regardless of how they feel about it personally. Mind you: BTS have a lot of authentic dom dances due to Hobi’s (!) physical signature, no chance in denying that 😄 In either case: What sub fans try to pick up on there. It’s the entertainment value and portrayal of it. Just like us doms enjoy when BTS/NCT/Monsta X etc don the harness that a stylist chose vice versa, you get the point. It goes both ways right there, everyone gets their kinky concepts to enjoy. So there’s that. Switches get twice the fun, you lucky bastards. Also: Genius marketing by bighit.

As you say, it only gets an issue if the guy clearly is quite different from what fans and company desire him to be and maybe has a hard time being heard and taken seriously. Taeyong being the classic case where sub fans don’t want to bother with his shy geek tendencies (Whiplash is a gem). It’s more important that he’s going beast mode in the center for say Cherry Bomb. The guy could tweet ‘henlo it’s ty i 💗noonas who choke me’, some could still say nope, lies, he can spit in my mouth. Fans make the biggest deal out of it and might even invalidate his preference since they want to focus on what they believe is dominant about him. Which is legit in some ways, they like Taeyong. Being submissive, I mean of course they wish he was some hardcore dom to match them, they ignore everything else. If it is to his detriment or not is another complicated and hard knock debate that dom fans like us are equally not exempt from. 

As for dom!idol/sub!fans, KPop wants to forge that attraction: If it works that way, then the stage performance will cater to it. Taeyong will get briefed to glare into the camera like he owns it. So how to stop the fans anyways, the company profits since they fabricate that hype. It is part of their plan. Which yep, can make dom fans frustrated, I know. But we’re not entitled to get our subby material, I have to remind myself daily. Genuinely celebrating the sub concepts is how we get more of it, give and take after all. 

Finally: Taeyong being a confident performer separate from dom-sub stuff. Good for him! The guy is great, talented, can portray the artistic vision. And one handsome as fuck man, damn, but I digress. I only hope that the vastness of submissive fans won’t make him tweak the way he is, as in, to the point of discomfort and dissatisfaction. That he draws the same connection and starts to believe idol image is default dominance. It’s his decision regardless, and obviously we’re biased wanting to keep enjoying his shy tendencies 🤓 As far as I know he’s a safe bank in either case given how open he is about the kind of partner he wants, and we as dommes shouldn’t bother too much with reasonable sub fans minding their business, another memo to us there, it’s about enjoying the genre after all and keeping the broader perspective. 

Now for the hard candy. The part where I feel stronger annoyance is the rather persistent daddy kink buzz word trend. I’ve talked about it, we’ve seen the debate resurface over and over. Where everyone — including minors… — thinks they suddenly are deep into BDSM without realizing what a daddy dom does or what it takes to be one. Glorifying abusive male behavior back and forth. Often not entirely their fault but the whole bandwagon’s. We pick up language from peers to find approval or sexual understanding and buy into what mainstream media outlets are trying to get us into (sometimes to the benefit of predators — so take care and question things). It’s a social orientation and learning process in the end. But you gotta think twice what that Daddy Dom guy wants and why he’s so culturally inevitable. 

If someone is aware of what your general daddy dom or sugar daddy is all about, what drives them, that it’s not all there is, how they go about their business, what a healthy manifestation of one is, that appeal they can savor. Just learn your stuff and vice versa, leave us dommes and idols saying they like submissive things coexisting peacefully no matter how niche it is; don’t go up to groups at fansigns with kink stuff no matter what it is, try to get TXT members into your dom daddy imagination, those kinds of things. Although I do believe they’ll realize themselves sooner or later that D/s is nothing to be treated laxly after all. That idols will create their private lives how they enjoy it regardless of the whole world yelling ‘daddy, daddy’ at them from all sides for personal satisfaction. I think we should trust performers with how they go about it beyond performing and broadcasting a certain sexual style, as we say in Germany ‘it’s their beer to brew’. 

[hadeheria]

coltrane james

aka the ‘sexy grandpa’

please bear with how much i’ve written. want ad here. buffythevampireplaya#3832 for plotting <3

history

nobody is entirely sure how coltrane grew up so fast- like way too fast. many, including his own parents, believe that he literally came out of the womb as an old man, which is probably true even if not scientifically proven.

his parents named him after the jazz musician, whose music had been playing on their first date and whose song, ‘my one and only love’ had been their first dance. he was the oldest of 3, and his younger siblings had been named in a similar manner as miles and ella. he’d always felt they’d got off easy- why’d he not just been called john? it was somewhat of a mystery to him, and probably only made him seem more ridiculous than his personality alone did- maybe it was a premonition, given how normal his siblings were.

colt was the kind of kid you heard before you saw. not that his appearance wasn’t striking- covered in mud a lot, hair sticking on end and a judging look that was way beyond his years. but he had the kind of voice that boomed through the masses, cut through the babble of the rest of children whenever he expressed his thoughts or opinions. he was extremely capable of speaking his mind, particularly in situations where it could be interpreted as bad behaviour. primary situations where this took place were in the classroom, particularly when talking back to a teacher, or when his parents said something that he thought sounded fishy.

he was sceptical and critical from a young age; he stopped believing in santa before he’d stopped wetting the bed. some teachers took this as a sign of a sharp mind, some untapped genius that would one day rear its head. but whether it was due to laziness, pure disinterest or genuine lack of intelligence, his academics never took off.

coltrane scraped by enough that he got into college in maine- a quaint, tedious place him that was full of people he revelled in making snarky comments at. it was while attending college that he began going to parties- drinking became a huge part of his life, and he suddenly found a distinct appreciation for alcohol and its many forms that he’d never anticipated having. he also acquired quite a few chef-y skills, which meant that he made deli sandwiches and pasta better than half the people he knew. he worked at a bar throughout a majority of his college career, drinking with patrons and generally being his own brand of rude to most punters who had to come to love his brutish ‘charm’ in some way- being heckled was part of the experience regulars came to enjoy during his tenure there.

it was at the bar that he met nina- a history student who for all intents and purposes was complete sweetness and light versus his dark cloud of a personality. his immediate reaction to her appearance in his workplace was to cower away, being extra rude to combat the bright, toothy but entirely beautiful look she brought with her. as a bartender with a startling lack of people skills, it was his instinctual reaction to be rude to her, dropping her drinks sloppily on the counter without so much as looking in her eye, returning tips and outright ignoring her sometimes. for some unbeknownst reason, his confused tactics worked and she asked him on a date.

the moved in together after they graduated; neither sure what they wanted to do, but with enough money saved up but they could probably just about survive. coltrane found some success doing stand up comedy; his brand of offbeat misery seeming to blend perfectly with what was missing in the comedy scene. in his spare time, he drove taxis- anything to make the money churn. it wasn’t much money but they could get by and seemed relatively happy.

they’d been together for around 5 years when coltrane mustered the courage to propose. it had never been on the cards before- he didn’t entirely believe in the sanctity of marriage as a jaded college kid, and as someone with very little money he’d never found the belief that he had a lot to offer. but he took nina to a fancy restaurant he could just about afford having saved for a little while, with a little box in his pocket. he knelt on one knee, held back his grimace at the gasps of people who had nothing better to do than getting involved in their private moment, and thrust the box, lid open, in nina’s face.

he thought that he’d done the right thing when he eyes suddenly flooded with tears. but it took a moment for his smile to falter; a moment longer for her to reveal that she’d got a job as a curator in texas, that she’d been waiting to tell him that she wasn’t sure she was in love with him anymore. it broke him, and for a brief moment, he stepped into a black hole even bigger than himself. within a week she was packed up and moving on, and he was preparing to cohabit with a bunch of people he’d come to call his best friends.

it wasn’t long after this that he discovered podcasts, and someone encouraged him to give it a shot. his particular style of comedy, ranting and moaning, would work well in the format, he was told. he bought a cheap mic off amazon and hooked it up to his laptop and some free software- barely edited the clips, didn’t even touch the balancing. to begin with it was just for his own benefit, a way to release his pent-up anger over being heartbroken and having to completely move his life to somewhere else. but after a few episodes it started to pick up steam, and he suddenly found himself in talks for a contract and acquiring sponsors.

within a year he found he had enough money to give up the driving, and it wasn’t long after that that he found he actually had an audience at his stand ups. nowadays he’s relatively successful; holding himself back because he doesn’t want to actually move across the country to make things easier, and unwilling to let the series become something polished, but definitely a step up from hunching over a $20 mic in his bedroom.

personality

basically, coltrane is just the grumpiest guy you’ve ever met. he’s pretty socially awkward (god knows how he gets laid), but has his own brand of humour which usually means he gets by. this humour consists of basically complaining about anything and everything; he has an uncanny knack for literally being able to pick out the flaws in anything he sees, and talking about it quite openly so it’s impossible to skirt around his opinions.

nonetheless, he’s genuinely caring and is fiercely loyal to his friends. colt is an absolute sweetheart who’d go to the ends of the earth for the people he loves even if they wouldn’t do the same for him (or he thinks it might be clinically insane/illegal). driving halfway across the country for the ‘best burritos in the us’? if you ask. breaking into someone’s house because they stole your favourite water bottle? hell yes if it’s your favourite! watching you have sex to critique your technique? ehhhhh .. no homo.

colt is forever hungry, and drinks more than an average human should be able to. he could be smart but who knows? he’s never put the effort in to find out. he’s a professional sleeper and has no understanding of how people can actually work out, and somehow has an innate sense of responsibility which means he works insanely well under pressure and is somehow completely on top of taxes, even if his insane mutterings would suggest otherwise. he talks to himself a lot, and has no idea who the ‘kardashians’ are (honestly, he could’ve been living in the bunker for the last 25 years). he pretends he’s got real ego and lbr when you’re as loud as colt you gotta have some ego, he rebutts everything by just accepting insults and rolling with them and if he could liken himself to any fictional character it’d be charlie kelly.

colt is a bit of a technophobe, wishes he could make moonshine and dreams of one day owning a brewery. he hoards vintage action figures and has more money than he knows what to do with (he could literally live on a mattress).

if there’s anything he truly fears, it’s having his heart broken again. he can deal with being alone- though he’s never alone because he lives with friends. he can deal with failure, having never had a real ‘successful career’ in his life (and actually has some real savings now). spiders and snakes are whatever. but having his heart broken in the way his ex girlfriend broke it would probably just kill him, and it’s a risk he is terrified of taking. he spends most of his time running away from women in case they turn out to be just like her, and while he’s almost completely healed he isn’t sure he could just fall back in love as easily as he did last time.

he’s somewhat insane- but love him goddamnit.

[spine-buster]

Samhain in the City - 31 Little Wrestlings Fics Challenge

A/N: Halloween fic challenge based on the genius minds of @thewriterformerlytaggedas and @fan-fiction-galore!  Thank you for including me, and I hope you all enjoy!

Please notice that there are some links included within the text to help you better visualize some things.

@wrestlewriting

@thegenericluchadora

@fan-fiction-galore

@anerdysouthernbelle

@spot-of-bother

@amaranthine-reign

@baleesi

@flnnbalor

@smuppies

@sarahmatthews7

@daintymissdevitt

@newjapan

@corey-renee

@running-ropes

@balorsomega

@karleedaniels27

@kazuchika

@ileana0300

@alexahood21

@imnobodiesbitch

@fembxt

@heelturn-timesten

@kaitlynwwefan

@50shadesofadamcolebaybay

@50shadesofkennyomega

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@thyestean-feast

@thecandicej

@devittsbalor

@sp00kylesley

@danahart

@sietefinns

@kaydee-kayyyy

@powerbombshell

@swedish-strong-style

@blondekel77

@irish-newzealand-idian-dutch

@nickysmum1909

@houndofjustice-imagines

@wwesmutdonedirtcheap

@wweximaginesxd

@indywrestlinglover-life

@mandi512

@kakakatey

@ourscratcheddreams

@sleeplessandcynical

It was a dark and stormy night…

Well, actually, not really.  It was dark, sure, but stormy it was not.  Not a drop of rain had fallen from the sky in three days – unusual for Edinburgh, especially in late October.  It put everybody in the city in a good mood, just in time for Halloween and the Celtic festival of Samhain, celebrated every year.

Edinburgh was a medieval city at heart.  It’s Old Town, a UNESCO World Heritage Site, was the stuff of wonders.  Old buildings, winding streets, secret closes, the historic Grassmarket – it had it all.  Tourists clogged sidewalks taking pictures of the old buildings; those who lived in the Old Town often couldn’t believe they were able to live in such historic structures.  The Royal Mile, for all it’s ‘find-your-clan!’ shops and tourist buses, provided the Old Town with its link from Edinburgh Castle, perched upon an extinct volcano looking down on the city, to Holyrood Palace, the seat of the British Royal Family in Scotland.  

But for Zadie, the posh New Town, also a UNESCO World Heritage Site, was the main attraction.  Georgian architecture, streets (mostly) perfectly laid out in a grid, with parks and shops and cafes and anything you could ever want.  Princes Street, with its view of the medieval Old Town and its buildings looking as if they were built on top of each other; Rose Street, the charming alley of pubs only known to locals (aka no tourists allowed); St. Andrew’s Square and Charlotte Square, the picture perfect parks to stop and have a picnic or get in some good reading on a sunny afternoon.

There were more neighbourhoods, of course, that Zadie adored: Stockbridge, Marchmont, Morningside in particular.  Each had a uniqueness to it that couldn’t really be explained, only felt.  Maybe she adored the city due to her background in architecture – also what she was currently getting a Master’s in at the University of Edinburgh.  Maybe she adored it because it was unlike any other city she had visited.  Maybe she adored it because of the people.

It was most definitely the architecture.

All of this was lost on Adam Cole, the man Zadie had been chatting up at her friend Hamish’s house party.  He was cute, she was single, and Hamish knew him from work – best friends with a wrestler, he invited them all over to the house party last night after attending their show.  Now, there were at least seven big burly men stuffed into a flat in Marchmont, along with the regular assortment of friends and acquaintances, drinking cheap wine and beer and eating hors d’oeuvres from Tesco.

“I’ve never been here before,” Adam confessed to her as they sat facing each other on the couch, Zadie’s legs tucked underneath her as she held her third glass of white wine. 

“You’ve never been to Edinburgh before?”

“Nope.”

“But I thought you traveled around a lot for your job?”

“I do, but it’s mostly throughout America.  Sometimes mainland Europe.  When we come to the UK, we mostly stay down in England,” he explained.   “Edinburgh was always one of those cities that we never got to.  Sometimes we’d even plan to take a day trip, but we’d end up being so tired we wouldn’t go.”

Zadie furrowed her eyebrows.  “Edinburgh is always worth it, even when you’re tired!” she protested.  

Adam giggled.  “Well I can see that now,” he said, shifting so nudged closer to Zadie on the couch.  “Hey, why do you know so much about all the buildings in this city, anyway?” he asked.  

“Oh, well, I mean…I study architecture at the university,” Zadie said.

She watched as Adam visibly gulp.  “You’re in university?”

“Oh God, I’m not like, eighteen or anything!” she cleared up, knowing exactly what Adam was trying to get to.  “I’m a Master’s student.  I’m twenty-five.”

“Oh thank God,” Adam took a sigh of relief.  “I can’t be thinking eighteen year olds are cute.”

Zadie arched her eyebrow.  “You think I’m cute, then?”

Adam shrugged his shoulders playfully.  “Maybe.”  He took a sip of beer while still staring directly at her and Zadie could feel her cheeks blush at his intense stare.  His eyes were the perfect shade of blue and her consumption of wine wasn’t helping her cease her thoughts.  

“Why do you guys call Halloween Sam…Samh…Samson or whatever?” Adam’s voice interrupted her thoughts.  

She snorted.  “You mean Samhain [[sah-win]]?”

“Yeah.  What’s the deal with that?”

“It’s based on an ancient Galic festival.  Tonight marks the end of the harvest and the beginning of the dark half of the year,” she wiggled her eyebrows.  “Fuck Halloween.  We have a fire festival.”

“A fire festival?!” Adam asked.  Zadie nodded her head.  Adam leaned forward to whisper something in her ear; she could feel the goosebumps forming on her skin and a shiver run up her spine.  “What the fuck are we still doing in this apartment?  Let’s get out of here.”

It was a festival unlike anything Adam had ever seen before…

They had left the party pretty easily.  Adam counted only two pairs of eyes on them as Zadie slipped on her shoes at the front door, and Zadie was too excited, naming all the places she’d show him, to notice any eyes.  ‘We’re in Marchmont, which means we’ve gotta walk north’ she told him, as if that meant anything to him.  He just smiled and slipped his hand over hers, telling her to lead the way.  He was pretty sure he saw her swoon.

Zadie wasn’t kidding when she said it was a fire festival.  Some people had literal torches and were marching through the streets of Old Town, and there were many other fire sculptures on display; performers were doing tricks and busking at every corner, again, all dealing with fire; and everyone was singing songs in Galic and strong Scottish accents.  Adam was overwhelmed with everything that was happening around him, but he was having fun nonetheless.  He couldn’t keep the smile off his face the second he saw Zadie’s smile light up the night, too. 

As she brought him right into the middle of the crowd, he grabbed at her hand so either of them wouldn’t get separated from each other.  That, and for Adam’s own safety.  Everyone was having a lot of fun, but the whole sight of people carrying torches and playing with fire and chanting things in an ancient and foreign language was…creepy, to say the least.  “Uhh…is this the point where you hypnotize me, lead me to my untimely death, and everyone here sacrifices my body to the gods like some sort of lamb?”

Zadie let out an animated laugh at his question, moving towards a small pocket of less crowded space where they could breathe a little bit.  “Maybe.  If you’re good, we’ll find someone else to sacrifice.  Your good looks and hot body would make the gods very happy,” she joked.  Adam appreciated her humour in this situation, but he was pretty positive if they were in the medieval period, or whenever this festival started, he definitely would have been the sacrificial lamb.  “Despite that, are you enjoying yourself so far?”

“Of course.  Better this than some house party in Marchfield, right?” he winked. “Marchmont,” she corrected him, giggling slightly.  “And yes.  Way better than some house party in Marchmont.  Even though some of the buskers are freaking me out.”

“Seriously?”  For someone who was so excited to show him the festival, he couldn’t believe that the buskers, of all things, would freak her out.  Not the chanting, or the fire…the buskers.

“Just the ones with those creepy masks,” she admitted.  “I’ve always hated them…I’ve watched too many horror movies.”

“If they’re freaking you out, we don’t need to be here,” Adam said.  “I can lie and tell everyone we stayed, but we can go somewhere else if that’s what you want to do.”

Zadie appreciated his offer.  Other people would have probably ridiculed her for being freaked out by something so juvenile.  Suddenly, an idea popped into her head.  “Come with me,” she said, grabbing at his hand and dragging him out of the crowd.

Adam followed her without hesitation, but when he realized they were walking farther and farther away from the crowd he became sceptical.  He thought she would maybe take him to a pub, not…wherever they were going.  “Where are you taking me?” he asked.

“It’s time for your sacrifice,” Zadie deadpanned.

It was Adam’s turn to snort.  “Seriously.  Where are we going?  I’m a foreign man in a foreign city and you’re taking me somewhere at night all alone!”

Zadie raised her eyebrow at him.  “Foreign man?  Foreign city?  We speak the same language, you numpty.”

“Clearly we don’t, because I have no clue what a numpty is.”

“You’re going to find out by the end of the night, Adam Cole,” Zadie smiled coyly.  

As they continued to walk up the Royal Mile and down George IV Bridge, Zadie led Adam through gate adorned with ‘Greyfriar’s’ at the top.  Adam knew that everything about this part of the city was going to be old – super old, to his American standards – but this place was even older than he was expecting.  It was as if nothing had changed for centuries.  When he saw a tombstone, he stopped dead in his tracks.  “Seriously…where are we?” he asked, looking around.

“This is Greyfriar’s Kirk,” Zadie said.  Again, as if that meant anything to him.  “This is the most haunted place in all of Edinburgh…save for maybe the vaults.”

Adam gulped.  “Haunted?”

“Mhmm,” Zadie grinned.  “So the church was built in the 1600s, and about 1200 Scottish Covenanters were imprisoned here.  You have to keep to the paths because if you walk on the grass, there’s a good chance you’ll step on someone’s remains peeking through the eroded soil.  Tom Riddle – you know, like Lord Voldemort – he’s here too.  J.K Rowling used to write in a café down the street and she got her inspiration for his name from a gravestone here.”

Adam looked around.  The place gave him the creeps.  He didn’t doubt that everything Zadie was telling him was 100% true – that just made it creepier to him.  You could step on someone’s remains just by veering off the path?  No-fucking-thank you.  “Yeah, cool.  Can we go now?”

Zadie smiled.  “Don’t you Americans love your graveyards and haunted things on Halloween?”

“Sure, but that’s like…fake stuff.  That’s volunteers from your town dressing up and scaring you at the local rec centre turned haunted house.  Not…stepping on some prisoner’s bones in a medieval graveyard,” Adam explained, shivering. Zadie grabbed at his hand.  “Okay…next place I take you won’t be haunted.  Deal?”

Adam smiled down at her, already dragging her out.  “Deal.”

It was an adventure of a lifetime…

Cities at night were a journey all on their own.  A city at night was completely different from its daytime identity.  Adam was learning that Edinburgh had it’s own night time magic that came extremely close to surpassing its daytime beauty.  

Much like New York City, Edinburgh seemed to never sleep.  Zadie had taken him walking down The Mound and into the New Town, running into some rowdy teenagers drinking along the gates of the Scottish National Gallery.  They held hands as they walked along Princes Street, on the park side, so Adam could get a good view of Edinburgh Castle perched on its ancient volcanic rock.  He would lean down and kiss Zadie every time she told him wherever they were standing would make a great picture.  After she got the hint, she’d make the comment every ten steps.

They weren’t just kissing though – there was actual talking involved.  About his job, about her studying, about their passions.  How she didn’t always used to live in Edinburgh but moved here for good when she started university; how her parents still lived in the same little house in some town called Pebbles – Pobbles?  Peebles?  Peebles. – in the Scottish Borders.  How she had an older sister who recently got engaged.  How nothing ever happened in her town, which is why she needed to leave.

“Where did it all begin for you, then?” Adam asked as they sat on a curb in Charlotte Square, overlooking the classic Georgian townhouses that gave this area of the city it’s distinct character.  “Like…this love, this infatuation with architecture.  Where did it all start?”

Zadie smiled shyly.  “Right here,” she whispered, nodding her head towards the townhouses.  “Charlotte Square.”

“These ones specifically?”

She nodded her head.  “My school had a field trip to go see Bute House, which is the official residence of the Scottish First Minister…anyway, as we got off the bus, we walked along here and I just…fell in love,” she explained.  “They looked so fucking regal…like something out of a fairy tale, or like, where a princess would live if she wanted to escape from her castle incognito.  So I asked my teacher who built them, and she told me, and then I said, ‘I wish I could have built them’.  And then my teacher said, ‘Well, Zadie, maybe one day you will’.”  It was at this point she looked over to Adam to see him smiling.  “And ever since that day, I’ve been hell-bent on building these things.”

It was the most endearing story Adam had ever heard.  “Thank God for that teacher,” he commented.

“What about you?  Where did it all begin for you with wrestling?”

Adam hadn’t taken his eyes off her.  “With a house, too, actually.”

Zadie nudged him, thinking he was making fun of her.  “You’re just saying that,” she accused as he grabbed at her hand.

“I’m not, I swear,” he told her.  “My parents divorced when I was ten and my brother, my mom, and I moved back into my grandma’s house.  My karate instructor lent me a VHS of the latest Wrestlemania and when my mom wasn’t around, my grandma let me watch it.  I was hooked.  I told my grandma that I wanted to become a wrestler and she told me I could do whatever I set my mind to.  She’d let me practice on my brother when my mom was at work.”

“That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard,” Zadie swooned.  “How bad did you beat up your brother though?”

Adam laughed.  “It wasn’t that bad.  There were never any bruises cause that meant my mom would find out.  We got away with a lot around grandma, let’s just put it that way.”

There was a comfortable silence between them, Zadie enjoying the feeling of Adam’s thumb rubbing the back of her hand.  After he had taken his eyes off of her, they settled back on to the townhouses.  Of course they were beautiful to the naked eye, but he wanted to try and see them as Zadie saw them; as magical, as ethereal structures that had so much life, so much history.  

They were silent for so long he thought she might have fallen asleep, but when she raised her head off his shoulder to look at him, he smiled at her.  He leaned in and kissed her quickly, and just as he was about to say something, his stomach growled loudly, embarrassing him.  Zadie laughed at the noise, but truth be told she was expecting it.  They had only snacked at the house party and hadn’t had anything to eat since.  She pushed herself up on her feet and held her hand out to Adam for him to grab on to.  He did and almost pulled her down with him, but she had enough leverage and Adam had the decency to not put too much of the strain on her.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close.  She looked up at him with a smile.  “You want to get some lamb kebab?” she asked.

At her suggestion, Adam side-eyed her hard.  She started to giggle uncontrollably at the look on his face.  She thought she was so funny.  “You think you’re cute, don’t you?”

She pursed her lips playfully.  “I don’t have to, you already told me you thought so.”  He leaned down to kiss her again, unable to resist.  “There’s one more place I want to show you,” she whispered.  “You up for it?”

“Let’s go,” he smiled, allowing her to pull him in whatever direction she wanted. 

“Okay, to be completely honest, I wasn’t ready for physical activity.”

“It’s not that much.”

“It’s enough.”

“You’re a wrestler!  Aren’t you like, fit?  Isn’t that your job?”

“I have a whole damn lamb kebab in my stomach, woman!”

“Okay, honestly, you would have definitely been the sacrifice to the gods.”

“Are we there yet?”

“Shush!” Zadie exclaimed, trying not to giggle.  “It’ll be one hundred and fifty percent worth it, trust me.”

“At least I’m working off that lamb kebab.”

Zadie tried not to roll her eyes at Adam’s complaints.  He grunted the entire way up and she was this close to trying to shut him up by kissing him the rest of the way up.  But that was dangerous, and she wanted him to work for the view he’d inevitably see.  

When they finally got to the top, she looked behind her.  Adam’s eyes were wide as he looked at the giant field and ancient monuments in front of him covered in a very thin layer of fog.  

“You bring me up Carleton Hill –”

“– Calton Hill –”

“— you bring me up Calton Hill, you beefed me up with lamb kebab, it’s fucking foggy…you really are sacrificing me, aren’t you?”

“It took you only a few hours to realize,” Zadie winked.  “I’m serious, Adam.  I know it looks like a giant foggy field with some old monuments right now, but it’s just the dew.”

“It’s not just the dew.”

“Okay, whatever.  Just follow me,” she pulled at his hand for the umpteenth time that night.  “And please…whatever you do, don’t look behind you.  At least not just yet.”

“Why not?”

“Cause I want you to get the full effect in the perfect spot.  Also because you might fall in love with the city like I did if you’re not careful.”

Adam smiled for the first time since they had started the climb.  “Okay.  I trust you.”

She led him a bit farther up, made a few turns, and held Adam close.  To his credit, Adam hadn’t said a word and had even closed his eyes when she had asked him, for maximum effect.

“Are you ready?” she asked as she stood beside him, holding his hand and watching him to make sure his eyes were still closed.

“I’m ready,” Adam nodded his head.  

“Okay.  Open.”

Adam opened his eyes at her command and saw the city of Edinburgh in all it’s glory, in the dead of night, lit up in the most beautiful way.  So medieval, yet so modern.  So small, yet so large.  So vast, yet so local.  

He understood now why Zadie was so in love with the city.  He understood now why Zadie wanted to be in the city, study the city, live her life in the city.  He understood why she was so keen on showing other people the magic of the city.

He understood it all now.

He felt her squeeze his hand excitedly.  She had been watching his reaction the entire time.  “Have you fallen in love?” Zadie asked.

He looked down at her.  “I think I have.”

[skold]

this post is Marina’s List Of Favorite and/or Iconic Music Videos

this could also be subtitled as: if you truly want to understand me as a person, watch these videos because it’ll answer a lot of questions

it’s gonna be a long one so i’ll pop it under a cut

alright we goin by artist then chronological

AIDEN

knife blood nightmare - this is iconic for me simply bc i rly wanted to look like wil in this video so bad in 6th grade.

die romantic - WHAT A BOP. i used to do my black eyeshadow like wil in this video too lmao

ALL TIME LOW

poppin champagne - because blonde alex and also?? honestly?? what a wild video. this is truly late 00s oversaturated pop punk at its finest

i feel like dancin - i’m not the biggest fan of this record or even this song in general but this is like, quintessential all time low to me video-wise. like. it’s everything i want from an all time low video.

ARCHITECTS

follow the water - or as sam carter says, follow the wah-uh. first of all i love that this is in a church. second of all when will i get to go to an architects show this lit here in the states

heartburn - bc they all look pretty. ok. aesthetically on point as well.

AVENGED SEVENFOLD

beast and the harlot - i don’t always bop this song but when i do, the whole cul de sac does too. no but really this was so influential to middle school me i wanted nothing more than a boyfriend who looked like zacky or jimmy and whatever eyeshadows zacky was wearing in this clip

BLINK 182

i miss you - the video that inspired this post. THE AESTHETIQUE. 20′s inspired romantigoth film noir. i don’t yell about this music video enough.

BRING ME THE HORIZON

chelsea smile - it’s literally just a house part video but the song literally defines the year 2009 for me. emetophobia warning at 1:08

it never ends - this video got mad shit but i love it. pretty heavy gore throughout this video

alligator blood - CREEPY ASS AESTHETIC SHIT!!!! i live for it. 16 y/o me had it so bad for matt nicholls and him getting tied up and violated was like, god tier for me

visions - more creepy aesthetic shit. the videos on there is a hell were underrated

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

hey john what’s your name again? - i gotta throw this one in just bc this hurls my ass right back to the year 2008. that bible imagery. those haircuts. it was a better time for music

html rules d00d - THIS SONG STILL SLAPS LMAO DON’T READ ME

ELISSA FRANCESCHI

salt - i’m not crying you’re crying!!! how did anne and christian franceschi manage to spawn two flawless and talented siblings!!!!!!

EVERY TIME I DIE

ebolarama - it’s a performance video in a roller rink what more could you want

wanderlust - you’ve probably caught on to the fact that i love creepy aesthetic shit.

decayin with the boys - THIS VIDEO HAS ME HOWLING. there are too many good moments to list here but the personal highlight is the dude admiring the lesbians making out, then he turns and admires they gays making out at about the 1:30 mark. also the jenga dream sequence. there’s a dick in this video, just a heads up. and a whole bootyass. i love andy williams. mild emetophobia tw at 2:30

FOXY SHAZAM

a dangerous man - eric nally’s screeching was the soundtrack of 2008

i like it - the chorus of this song is literally just “that’s the biggest black ass i’ve ever seen and i like it” and i have nothing more to say

holy touch - it’s a performance video but it’s. different. i really don’t wanna ruin this by saying too much about it. that’s just kinda how foxy shazam were. this song is a fucking banger. yes, they did have a trumpet player in the official lineup.

FRNKIERO ANDTHE CELLABRATION

joyriding - another performance video that’s. different. lmao. aesthetically perfect

GOOD CHARLOTTE 

lifestyles of the rich and famous -  the proletariat banger we weren’t ready for in 2002, but we’re ready now.

girls and boys - old people being punk rock. that’s all.

predictable - i SPECIFICALLY remember watching this on the good charlotte website the day this dropped. THE EARLY 2000S BAD CG IS REAL. i was literally ten years old but i somehow Felt every word of that spoken bridge, man. WHEN THE LITTLE GIRL GIVES JOEL THE ROSE AND IT TURNS BLACK i deadass thought that was so fucking dope y’all

i just wanna live - ignoring the irony of joel whining about being famous, this video had THE MEMES. 

GREEN DAY

longview - iconic simply by virtue of being their first video.

when i come around - ask me about my favorite songs of All Time and i’ll probably mention this one. it’s still great nowadays. i love all the shots of berkeley.

brain stew/jaded - this is such a great piece of art lmao the fucking. sludgy feeling of brain stew going into the chaos of jaded is great on the record, but even better in video form going from being stoned in sepia to tripping acid in an oversaturated cluttered space

walking contradiction - comedy gold

hitchin a ride - creepy weirdness and an iconic bassline. also mike dirnt looks fine as hell in this video

minority - i’m running out of ways to explain that a video is iconic to me purely bc of how important the song was to me at a given time lmao.

american idiot - is there anything i can truly say about this video? it was perfect in 2004, it’s perfect in 2017. uncomfortably relevant. epilepsy warning for strobe lighting effects in the second half

holiday - technically this was released before blvd, but since it chronologically precedes blvd in the story, i’m putting it first. this is like 90% here for the bridge section y’all. fucking iconic. i wore a fedora on the first day of sixth grade bc tre cool wore one in this video. not my proudest fashion moment. emetophobia warning at 1:56 but them playing EVERY character in the bar scene is perfection

boulevard of broken dreams - ah yes, 2005′s most overplayed song. i could not escape this song. every time the intro started everyone would just look at me bc i was The Green Day Chick. this video is aesthetically perfect though. shout out to mike dirnt’s jawline in profile

HOZIER

work song - first of all, this song makes me cry. second of all, the video is dreamy as fuck. it gives me irl chills. i love the choreography so much. the whole vibe is very modern southern gothic. and it’s incredibly intimate feeling without being... sexual or vulgar, i guess. 

IN THIS MOMENT

adrenalize - first of all i’m gay. second of all i’m gay. this video is decidedly nsfw

whore - aesthetically pleasing. chris motionless being subby is the real highlight here

sick like me - again, it’s here for the aesthetic.

big bad wolf - also aesthetic but THIS MAKEUP LOOK. maria’s makeup look in this video is actually literally my aesthetic goal. epilepsy warning for strobe light effects

sex metal barbie - say it with me: aesthetic. i also love this one bc the lyrics are largely lifted from people talking shit about maria on the internet, shaming her for being a woman with sexuality and agency, so fuck yes i support it. mild body horror warning for this one

JOHN 5

making monsters - john’s videos are mostly performance based but this one is so cute lmao. where do i cop a j5 action figure

LADY GAGA

paparazzi - i’m only including the RLY vital gaga videos here and the full version of paparazzi is her best work imo......

bad romance - .......but bad romance is a close second.

telephone - i can’t not include this one though. the collab of the decade.

LINKIN PARK

one step closer - i think this was the first linkin park video i saw Back In The Day......... it was 2 heavy 4 baby me at the time lmao but nowadays it’s one of my fave lp songs. the video is super corny let’s be real but it was 2000

numb - this song is so fucking emo but i love it. the video is like peak emo too. i swear the main girl in this video was like my fashion icon at the time. layered tank tops, ripped loose jeans, oversized hoodies and jackets. i wanted her hair so bad lmao

what i’ve done - this video is really visually solid. i thought this was like the Deepest Shit in middle school lmao

MARILYN MANSON

sweet dreams (are made of this) - THE CINNAMON TOPOGRAPHY!!! god i have no complaints about this video except that twiggy is in it. visual fx?? dope. wardrobe?? dope. location?? dope. manson in the wedding dress?? dope. unsanitary warning for the later half of the video bc manson gets pooped on by birds lmao

tourniquet - one of my fave vocal performances by manson tbh. i prefer this one of the two videos floria did w/ manson. 

long hard road out of hell - femme manson and religious imagery need i elaborate

the dope show - the first manson video i ever saw. i was... so creeped out lmao. LOOKS ON LOOKS ON LOOKS. john 5 lookin like a snack in this one

i don’t like the drugs (but the drugs like me) - this is probably the most heavy-handed manson has ever been with the christ allegory lmao and yet......... i love it. also shout out to manson and rose’s dogs bug and uncle fester for guest starring. body horror tw here

coma white - basically a flawless music video i have nothing to say here that isn’t already said by the video itself

disposable teens - everybody looks great in this one except twiggy fuck twiggy. i actually love the mtv version of this video too, which is all performance, but i can’t seem to find it rn??

the fight song - one of my fave manson looks. those boooooots tho. the gloooovessssss. i’m gross let me live

tainted love - sorry to send y’all to vimeo for this one but i couldn’t find one on youtube that didn’t look like it was filmed with a potato or watermarked. y’all slept on the genius of this video tbh

mobscene - hello it is me gaogfucker666. 

this is the new shit - still me, gaogfucker666. this video feels misinterpreted too honestly

(s)AINT (director’s cut) - specifically the director’s cut bc more tim skold in a dress and boots smoking a cigarette. this video is seriously fucking nsfw. needles, drugs, sexual content, vomit etc watch with caution pls

personal jesus - i love this glam rock look so much. tim looks so good in this he never wore the look again bc he knew he looked so good we could never handle it a second time.

putting holes in happiness - I CAN’T FIND the extended version with tim’s full solo and i wanna scream. but. here’s the official version

say10 (short) - i really fucking wish he’d compounded off this for the official say10 video, beheaded orange man or not. just the verse. it’s so good. moody and creepy and AHHH.

we know where you fucking live - heed the warning at the beginning lmao. i honestly loved this video. i know some people thought it was edgy but i rly rly don’t see that. it’s offensive and obscene yeah but it doesn’t have that edgelord feel, as much as i love to call him an edgelord.

MOTIONLESS IN WHITE

reincarnate - old school horror vibes!!! as a Humble Fetishist of Boots and Gloves, this is a great video. also this is one of those songs where i Feel the lyrics for real

eternally yours - THE COLORS!!! THE FUCKIN IN A COFFIN!!!! i have nothing more to say

MOTLEY CRUE

looks that kill - please watch this corny ass fuckin 1983 ass hair metal ass music video. please. i’m tryna add more shout at the devil era nikki sixx vibes to my wardrobe tbh

wild side - i love a late 80s arena performance video ok also where do i cop nikki’s shirt

dr. feelgood - i will always credit this as one of the songs that made me want to play bass tbh

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

vampires will never hurt you - too emo to view with the naked eye.

i’m not okay (i promise) - the video that spawned a million high school AUs. god i love this one. even watching without the nostalgia goggles it’s great.

helena - perhaps my favorite music video of all time? if not then top 3. this video still remains my ideal aesthetic 12 years later. HOW I’M TRYNA BE. i just wanna look like an extra in this video, okay.

the ghost of you - time to cry!!!!! emetophobia warning at 0:47

welcome to the black parade - it’s hard for me to talk about these videos bc they’re so universally iconic that to explain why i love them so much would be mostly redundant.

famous last words - see above. this song means the world to me

desolation row - if i had to pick a video other than helena to look like an extra in i’d pick this one. has gerard ever looked this good, before or after this video?? peak.

NINE INCH NAILS

down in it - these are getting linked to vimeo since the official nin account has them all uploaded there in better quality. anyway i love so many of the shots in this video and i love the colors and i love bab trent

head like a hole - SO dated y’all but bab trent leveled up and became baby dread trent.

happiness in slavery - this is seriously graphic. but it’s great. also where’s the extended version that shows trent getting eaten by the weird carnivorous robot

gave up - bABY BRIAN!! infants, y’all. INFANTS.

march of the pigs - it’s a one-take performance video but it’s...... so much more than that. this video hurts me in my hand/glove kink.

closer - this is in the top 3 with helena honestly. it is... a piece of art film before all else. a Must Watch. 

burn - another case of a video being important to me because of the song it’s for tbh.

the perfect drug - marc romanek is a GOD. also a piece of art film honestly. just y’all wait till i make my dnd character based on trent in this video lmao

starfuckers, inc - hm, another nin video that trent invited manson to be in. interesting. all memes aside it’s a great video even as much as i hate the use of the “fat = ugly” trope. epilepsy warning for flashing effects in the last part of the video

deep - why. are. y’all. SLEEPING ON THIS!!!!

only - this may have been the first nin video i willingly saw and recognized as nin. this video still holds up, especially with it being 95% cgi and still looking as good as it does.

ROB ZOMBIE

living dead girl - the theme song of my life??? iconic couple costume idea????

meet the creeper - i have to include this video because it’s BAD. it’s terrible and i fucking love it

american witch (live version) - WHEN ROB PICKS UP JOHN AND STARTS SPINNING HIM AROUND!!!! this is here specifically for all the long hair john content

dead city radio and the new gods of supertown - the aesthetic. everybody looks great. matt is in a gorilla suit

well everybody’s fucking in a ufo - highly nsfw. where do i begin with this fucking hot mess...... sheri’s huge fake boobs. john and matt and ginger as astronauts. john jerkin off. the aliens with dicks. the fact that the whole story is about getting gang banged by aliens???? nothing will ever reach this level

SKOLD

self titled promotional clip - epilepsy warning for a lot of flashing and smash cuts. sort of a few partial music videos in one, but there are only two official skold videos, so i gotta include both of them. the quality is garbage. it’s so incredibly 1996. yet i love it. the last song, anything, is pretty nsfw as in there’s actual femdom porn clips but this is why i love it.

better the devil - if there were more skold videos i’d put them here. but as i said there are only two. tim out there lookin like not just a snack but a full course meal in 4k quality. goddamn. the only man i can ever truly call d*ddy. tiffany and eli lookin like delicious side dishes as well.

TAKING BACK SUNDAY

you’re so last summer - flava flave is in it

this photograph is proof - this song makes me so fucking nostalgic............. it transports me right back to eighth grade lmao. tbs were one of my fave bands in middle school.

makedamnsure - the most emo song of all time?? side note regarding tbs: real talk, being fat in middle school, seeing another fat person in a band was so fucking reassuring and great. i love eddie. 

liar (it takes one to know one) - these visual effects are SO cool, even now.

YOU ME AT SIX

jealous minds think alike - ART... no but actually look at these literal fetuses. i fucking love this song. it’s probably my fave track on take off your colours.

kiss and tell - you right it’s another house party video BUT. baby josh with an undercut. he must be 18 or barely 19 here??

liquid confidence - WHEN YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE

stay with me - jkfljkghdfskljgs okay serious time: this song got me through a seriously rough part of my life and i have the title tattooed on me partially because of the video. 

loverboy - i have never seen a fandom in such utter chaos as the ymas fandom was on the day this video dropped. holy fucking shit. the THIRST was REAL. 

bite my tongue - peak ymas captured in one music video. that’s truly the most important part. that peak sns era ymas was preserved forever in this video.

lived a lie - is it bad if i still kinda want a “we are believers” tattoo lmao. i really....... love this song a lot. is it obvious by now that ymas love a big chorus lmao

give - this song gives me The Feels. it deserved better than a performance video in an empty arena but it’s all we got, so here it is.