#got reminded of why exactly im losing my mind in law school!!! talked to people on the bus and they said that as soon as i passed the bar | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shewantsthev · 7 years

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1-200

Wow this is a lot but okay200: My crush’s name is: Bernie Sanders 199: I was born in: 1999? Is this what this is asking  198: I am really: gay 197: My cellphone company is: AT&T 196: My eye color is: green  195: My shoe size is: 7.5  194: My ring size is: I forgot. Something small 193: My height is: 5'3" 192: I am allergic to: bullshit and republicans. Other than that, nothing  191: My 1st car was: a 2000 chevy cavalier. It was red and I loved it except it was a piece of shit  190: My 1st job was: OfficeMax  189: Last book you read: Why Does The World Exist? By some guy 188: My bed is: soft and filled with dogs and orange and great 187: My pet: I have prim, my soul mate and axel, a sweet dummy. I also have fish named Rex and Rocko and a snake named Jasper 186: My best friend: is amazing and great and I miss her 185: My favorite shampoo is: my recent favorite is the tea tree shampoo but I colored my hair recently and had to witch to shampoo safe for that  184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox but I don't play either enough to really care 183: Piggy banks are: pretty nice. This reminds me of the time my house got robbed and the police took my piggy bank for prints and promised they would give it back but never did  182: In my pockets: my wallet and chopstick  181: On my calendar: a lot. This is a busy month. But Colorado soon :) 180: Marriage is: I wouldn't know  179: Spongebob can: okay spongebob is the shit 178: My mom: isn't perfect but is great  177: The last three songs I bought were? I don't know about individual songs but the other day I got tired of the radio and bought a bunch of CDs for my car 176: Last YouTube video watched: I don't know exactly but I've been watching a lot of John Oliver videos  175: How many cousins do you have? Too may to count  174: Do you have any siblings? I have 3ish stepsiblings  173: Are your parents divorced? Yes since I was 4 172: Are you taller than your mom? I wish  171: Do you play an instrument? I kinda sorta used to but no 170: What did you do yesterday? I don't remember? I think I worked?[ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: maybe a little  168: Luck: sometimes  167: Fate: no  166: Yourself: nope 165: Aliens: hell yeah 164: Heaven: no  163: Hell: no  162: God: I actually very strongly don't believe in god  161: Horoscopes: no  160: Soul mates: maybe  159: Ghosts: not entirely sure but probably not  158: Gay Marriage: fuck yeah  157: War: depends on the situation  156: Orbs: what 155: Magic: why[ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: both? Depends on my mood  153: Drunk or High: high  152: Phone or Online: online  151: Red heads or Black haired: black hair  150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: cold 148: Summer or winter: winter 147: Autumn or Spring: spring!! 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla  145: Night or Day: night 144: Oranges or Apples: apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: straight  142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate  140: Mac or PC: Pc 139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:  Stop attach a persons value to their economic status/ wealth :) 137: Coke or Pepsi: neither  136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 😍 135: Burried or cremated: I want my body donated for organs and/or science. Although I like having just a spot so maybe just a tombstone  134: Singing or Dancing: singing  133: Coach or Chanel: ew 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who 131: Small town or Big city: big city for sure 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target  129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: I don't even care  128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure? 127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 125: Chocolate or Flowers: bothhh 124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox: I don't sport[ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: depends on the situation  121: George Bush: no  120: Gay Marriage: always 119: The presidential election: it was awful, vile, and disgusting. The results were bullshit because fuck the electoral college but also it made me lose faith in humanity  118: Abortion: it's always the persons choice what to do with their body 117: MySpace: never had one 116: Reality TV: it's stupid  115: Parents: they exist 114: Back stabbers: I think we can all agree they're trash 113: Ebay: I'm indifferent  112: Facebook: its gotten annoying lately but it's a necessary evil 111: Work: I like getting paid  110: My Neighbors: they're okay for neighbors. I feel bad that our dog barks at them all the time.  109: Gas Prices: they're high but whatever  108: Designer Clothes: you do you im too broke  107: College: it's gonna put me in debt forever but I'm excited  106: Sports: I don't understand the interest but whatever  105: My family: they're okay 104: The future: we are all gonna die [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: tidy my teacher hugged me because she was happy to see me  102: Last time you ate: I had pizza like 5 hours ago 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: I saw a friend two days ago I haven't seen in a while 100: Cried in front of someone: I don't remember exactly  99: Went to a movie theater: it's been too long  98: Took a vacation: since a year ago 97: Swam in a pool: about a year ago. Well, swim isn't necessarily the word because guess who can't do that. I just chill in the water  96: Changed a diaper: gosh it's been some time. A year or more? 95: Got my nails done: a lot of years ago 94: Went to a wedding: a year ago was my moms wedding  93: Broke a bone: never  92: Got a peircing: my nose about 2 years ago  91: Broke the law: technically I am now  90: Texted: now[ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: I don't laugh much 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dogs 87: The last movie I saw: some horror movie with my mom  86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: leaving this town 85: The thing im not looking forward to: so much  84: People call me: I don't really have a nickname 83: The most difficult thing to do is: go through major depression  82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: I've had 2 81: My zodiac sign is: Taurus 80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom  79: First time you had a crush: technically my first was a ginger in kindergarten but my first real one was in middle school  78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: prim 😂 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday! I remember that part but not who it was or what it was 76: Right now I am talking to: a group chat and 2 other people  75: What are you going to do when you grow up: not entirely sure yet but I want to be a trauma surgeon  74: I have/will get a job: yes? I'm not sure what this is asking  73: Tomorrow: I have school and class in the evening  72: Today: I was at school  71: Next Summer: hopefully I'll be doing something fun  70: Next Weekend: next weekend is surprisingly kinda free  69: I have these pets: I answered this  68: The worst sound in the world: someone saying goodbye  67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself  66: People that make you happy: my friends I don't know  65: Last time I cried: earlier today  64: My friends are: great  63: My computer is: falling apart. I need a new one but still broke  62: My School: is actually garbage and I can't wait to leave  61: My Car: is much nicer that my old one  60: I lose all respect for people who: physically, sexually, or emotionally abuse people, are racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc. support Trump, actually there's a lot I don't respect many people  59: The movie I cried at was: okay I used to always cry at the notebook it was horrible  58: Your hair color is: red now  57: TV shows you watch: lately shameless but all time fav is greys anatomy. Also watch a lot of criminal minds  56: Favorite web site: google.com  55: Your dream vacation: Traveling all over the world. I want to be in the south of France again  54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when my heart broke  53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium well  52: My room is: pretty chill. Representative of me  51: My favorite celebrity is: Demi Lovato  50: Where would you like to be: anywhere but here  49: Do you want children: maybe possibly 48: Ever been in love: yup 47: Who’s your best friend: gabby  46: More guy friends or girl friends: girls I guess 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: drugs  44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody  43: Do you have a 5 year plan: haha I barley have a 5 minute plan  42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: sort of. Just traveling  41: Have you pre-named your children: yes 40: Last person I got mad at: Ryan  39: I would like to move to: California  38: I wish I was a professional: everything [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: Reese's  36: Vehicle: camaro  35: President: Obama  34: State visited: New York  33: Cellphone provider: I don't care  32: Athlete: really don't care  31: Actor: probably Leonardo DiCaprio  30: Actress: Not sure. Drew Barrymore maybe? Maybe Sandra bullock  29: Singer: Demi Lovato  28: Band: Nirvana  27: Clothing store: everything here and there  26: Grocery store: HyVee 25: TV show: Greys Anatomy 24: Movie: 21 Days  23: Website: Tumblr 22: Animal: Penguin? 21: Theme park: don't know  20: Holiday: Fourth of July, not for the patriotism but the blowing stuff up  19: Sport to watch: basketball 18: Sport to play: basketball 17: Magazine: not sure  16: Book: Impulse by Ellen Hopkins  15: Day of the week: Saturday  14: Beach: beach in saint marie de la mer 13: Concert attended: Demi Lovato  12: Thing to cook: pasta 11: Food: Italian  10: Restaurant: Olive Garden or IHOP  9: Radio station: 96.5 the buzz  8: Yankee candle scent: I like ocean scents  7: Perfume: stuff I got in France  6: Flower: who even knows  5: Color: orange  4: Talk show host: Ellen  3: Comedian: not really sure  2: Dog breed: Doberman  1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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Why I aborted 2 very wanted pregnancies

April held several anniversaries for me. The anniversary of an unrealized due date, the anniversary of an ended pregnancy, the anniversary of my birth40 years ago this year. All three of these dates gave me pause to reflect on the choices Ive made.

Choice. The word feels big and comes up often lately. When faced with my strong-willed 3-and-a-half-year-old son, Ive learned to give him only two choices or else Id lose my mind. On a larger scale, Im considering leaving a career Ive pursued for over two decades and whether or not to add to our family. Such choices are par for the course as we grow and enter new phases in our lives.

But more significantly, Ive been thinking about the right to choose in the debate over abortion, which is not only threatened under the Trump administration, but also often misunderstood. The nuances that can go into making a choice to end a pregnancy are often unseen, unspoken, and never casual.

Unfortunately, my husband and I were faced with this choice. Twice. We terminated two very wanted pregnancies. To put it bluntly, Ive had two abortions.

And as our government tries to strip us of our reproductive rights, I am reminded how lucky I am to have the financial means and to live in a state where laws didnt prevent me from the choices I made. My abortions left me heartbroken, changed, and grief-strickenthat is indisputable. But everyone should be granted those choices. Those are choices Id still make today.

. . .

Itd be easy to peg me as your typical pro-choice advocate. I grew up in a liberal household. Feminism was at the core of my progressive private Los Angeles high school education. I went to a super hippie-dippy college where grades were for eggs, not people. But while I was taught to think critically about various perspectives, I was primarily surrounded by politically and socially like-minded individuals. To be honest, I never questioned whether I was pro-choice. I just was.

Photo via World Cant Wait/Flickr (CC-BY)

And then I visited a Body Worlds exhibit. This particular show featured skeletal muscles, nervous systems, and healthy and diseased organs to demonstrate the complexity of the human body. It also included a wall of 42 embryo and fetuses preserved in a glass case.

These embryos and fetuses were humanized by Body Worlds. I saw their form and I saw their potential. I saw them as life. (Not so dissimilarly as I saw the meat that I no longer ate when I became a vegetarian 10 years prior.) I remember very clearly, standing over a nine-week embryo in a glass case thinking that I believed in choice, but couldnt imagine making such a choice.

Fast forward 10 years.

I became pregnant in the summer of 2011. In September, I went in for the routine 13-week NT scan, the ultrasound that assesses your babys risk of having chromosomal abnormalities. That day, we found out that our babys nuchal fold thickness was outside of the normal range.

We sat with the genetic counselor as we gave our histories (nothing outside of the ordinary) and was given a primer on statistics and chromosomes and karyotypes and various horrifying conditions. At that point, we still didnt know exactly what it all meant for our child.

As we drove home, my husband, through his stifled tears, said to me, We cant think of it as a baby. I remember feeling aggressively defensive at my husbands reality. I had stared at the doctors screen and saw a body. I had stared at my belly and saw it swollen. Of course, it was a baby. That was never a question for me.

Test results confirmed that our baby had a significant chance of having some kind of severe abnormality that could be fatal or would likely cause him to suffer. We consulted doctors, got second opinions, and endured more testing. We were candidly, though not casually, advised by doctors to terminate and try again. And at 14 weeks, thats what we did. We made our choice.

I grieved, I processed, I sat on the couch in therapy and tried to find meaning in my experience. I planted a letter in an olive tree that I had written to our son, explaining to him why we made our decision, and that it was ultimately a decision made out of love.

I became pregnant again, at the beginning of 2012. This babys due date was exactly one year after we terminated the previous pregnancy. I found solace in that kind of synchronicity.

But of course, when I went to my routine 13-week NT scan, I was still anxious.

As I lay on the exam bed, facing a flatscreen monitor with just my name and my estimated due date, the technician asked me, Would you like me to turn the monitor off after you confirm the information is correct?

She was asking if I wanted to see my baby. Without hesitation, I told her to leave it on. I did not take my eyes off him. Here was my baby alive and living inside of me.

Soon, though, my husband and I would be faced with the same godawful, painful decision that we had made just months before.

This time around, my babys NT scan showed that his nuchal fold thickness measured twice the normal size, putting his life at even more risk than our first. My husband and I searched for a medical explanation or any scientific data that could give us an understanding as to why this happened to us not once, but twice. I scoured medical journal articles and reached what felt like the end of the internet looking for affirmations that I could carry my baby to term and not feel like I was putting my child at a significantly abnormal great risk by bringing him into the world.

We sat with the facts, the data, the expert opinions as well as second and third and fourth opinions. I had a CVS, a microarray, a full counsel on recessive testing. We had ultrasounds with specialists at both Cedars-Sinai and UCLA. We reached out to various genetic and prenatal and neonatal specialists. We made it our job to find an answer.

Despite the extensive research on my pregnancies and all of the testing, every doctor we saw was at a loss to explain why this developed with our babies twice and couldnt come up with anything beyond compassionately telling us it was two strokes of bad luck.

We made our choice. Again.

. . .

I think about what our story would have looked like under different circumstances. In another state. With abortion restrictions. With fewer means. Fewer resources. What that trajectory could have looked like in a parallel universe. And it makes me realize that while others might not agree with our choiceand I certainly can understand why some do notit was our choice to make, not our governments. It was philosophical, it was personal, and it was ours.

The Oklahoma House of Representatives passed a billin March that would ban all abortions based on genetic abnormalities. In other words, Oklahoma legislators believe that the agonizing choice that my husband and I made as a couple, both times, should have been theirs to make. Theyd get to make this choice for us even though they would do nothing to support the aftermath of that decision: setting aside funding for his medical care, holding our hands while he underwent a lifetime of treatments, alleviating our pain if he died not long after birth.

In Kentucky, there is only one abortion clinic left in the state. One in 40,400 square miles, and the governor just tried to close it. In that scenario, I think about the big-picture trajectory again: If my husband and I lived in Kentucky and we didnt have a car or have the funds to get to the closest clinic and subsequently had a child with severe and costly life threatening medical issuesa child whom may or may not have been even able to survive after being bornwhere would we all be now?

But in what could be the most damaging legislation given my situation, the Texas Senate just passed two obscenely restrictive bills: One outlawing dilation and evacuation (D&E) procedures, the safest and most effective abortion procedure for women in their second trimester and what doctors used to terminate my second pregnancy; and another called the wrongful birth bill that would make it legally OK for doctors to lie to their patients about fetal abnormalities so they dont get an abortion. Yes, doctors could make the choice to withhold my babys health issues from my husband and me, while we went on in ignorance, unable to have a choice in the future of our family.

The list of laws and states and circumstances that hinder choice goes on and on.

Photo via Shutterstock

While it may seem like what the Republican Party wants to do first and foremost with such restrictive legislation is prevent women from getting abortions, that motive is only secondary. Many studies have shown that women arent going to stop choosing to have abortions under strict lawstheyll find other, unsafe means to terminate their pregnancies that could put their own lives in danger. At its core, these laws are about controlling women and perpetuating feelings of shame and guilt for making choices over their own bodies.

Women have long lived with the burdens of shame; nevertheless, we have persisted. We do not shut down after making the choice to have an abortion. We do not go through with the procedureand never feel again. I have never felt so much pain, anger, sadness, grief, and confusion as I did after choosing to end my pregnancies.

Worse than the pain I felt in their absence, though, would have been not getting to make that choice at all. And to clarify: I understand why others would not make the same choice. But being forced into a life based on a doctors whim or a legislators personal ideology, being robbed of making the best personal choice for my family, would have been a pain I could not endure.

. . .

After that 13-week appointment, I decided to make the most of each day with my son while he was still in my body. We went to the beach. I showed him the ocean and the sand. We ate Indian food, Italian food, Mexican food, Mediterranean food. I read to him. I talked to him. I sang to him. I wrote him letters daily. We listened to a lot of Florence and the Machine. I explained everything that was happening to us as best as I could, as we went into each ultrasound appointment.

After considering and reconsidering all of the information we had collected over five weeks, we made the decision to go in for a D&E the day before my 35th birthday. He was 18 weeks. I woke up on my birthday longing for him and missing him terribly.

While my husband and I grieved together, I felt oddly alone in my experience. Simply put, there was a literal voidinside of me. Unlike my husband, I had pregnancy weight gain and pain and cramping and bleeding and hormonal mood swings that were constant visceral reminders of my baby whose life we chose to end. And so I took the pain pills prescribed with wine every night as I watched countless episodes of TLCsWhat Not to Wear to escape all the pain that was too hard to feel.

Because he was a baby, my baby, we had him cremated. Until we came up with the right spot to place his ashes, I carried him around with me. Some might think it weird or dark or sick, but I couldnt fathom leaving him home alone, and so he came with me in my purse to my appointments, my errands, and my work. We eventually found his spot.

My husband and I eventually tried again seven months later. I quickly became pregnant and gave birth to our son in August 2013.

I would be lying if I said I did not often see his two brothers when I look at him. All three are part of my fabricour son is here because of them. And one day, I plan on telling him about his brothers and our journey. A journey and a family we wouldnt have without choice.