#got a BUNCH of boards lined up for october

[ranboard]

I know my girlfriend, is a, witch.

[ktownshizzle]

Terms & Conditions | Chapter 3

Pairing: Min Yoongi x female reader

Summary: Managing Min Yoongi as one of your encoders during his alternative military service should’ve been simple. He is quiet, punctual—and can apparently type as fast as he can rap! Not to mention the fact that he is easy on the eyes and keeps wanting to help you. You’ve signed an iron-clad NDA, detailing the full terms and conditions of his temporary employment, so you’re supposed to keep things professional, but what happens if neither of you wants to?

Genre: Fluff, eventual smut, co-workers to lovers, office romance, idol!au

Warnings: Purely speculative regarding Yoongi’s alternative military service and how this is really done in SK, I might include scootergate in a future chapter but please know it will be written sensibly imo and with so much love for our Yoongi (I just wanna protecc him at all costs even thru this silly story!), some cursing, boss/employee relationship sorta but there's no power play involved, reader and Yoongi are within the same age range

Chapter Warnings: reader vs IKEA furniture, 1k words about Yoongi's hands, second-hand embarrassment, more cracktastic internal monologues, a tiny bit of angst

Word count: 7k (approx. 30 mins to read)

Posting date: October 19, 2024

Notes: Very Yoongi-coded of me to work through my sickness. So, yes, behold an update, while I am in the throes of flu. Enjoy~

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Masterlist

Sometimes, the mediocrity in this office is just unbelievable. You’ve put in a request for a filing cabinet so that you can organize the copious amount of paperwork that’s been accumulating in your little space that has overtaken yours and Yoongi’s desks. That was two months ago. It finally arrives today, still in its flat box packaging.

Great.

You’ve been staring at the pieces of the Ikea furniture for what feels like an hour, trying to make sense of the instructions. Of course, they’re all diagrams and singular letters and numbers—just a bunch of arrows pointing to nuts and bolts that apparently hold this whole thing together.

Btw, where the heck is Yoongi?! He’s usually pretty punctual. Pretty and punctual. Hmm. Anyway…

Just as you’re about to abandon your unwanted task to write a strongly worded email to the procurement department, Yoongi strolls in your office, oblivious to the war inside your mind.

“You’re late,” you blurt.

Caught off guard, and wholly unused to your raging bitch tendencies, Yoongi looks like a deer caught in headlights, mumbling, “Sorry, I uh I just got this scooter and am still—”

Is he pouting? OH god…

“No, no…” you backtrack, not meaning to sound haughty at all. “You’re fine. I don’t really—sorry, I’m just in a mood.”

Yoongi nods, assessing the pile of rubble you are on, as he sets his helmet and bag on the desk. He takes a spot on the floor next to you, leans over to squint at the same set of instructions, and decides, “This shouldn’t be that hard.”

You roll your eyes, picking up a random board. “Yeah, says the guy who hasn’t tried yet.”

Wordlessly, Yoongi pulls the screwdriver from your hand and the nearest piece of wood, starting to line everything up. You expect him to struggle, because he’s an idol–LOL–he can’t be that good at this, maybe marginally better than you, but nothing to write home about.

Boy, you are so, so, spectacularly wrong. Chae would be laughing at you later that night as you recount this gross misjudgment on your part and would proceed to send you the link to Run BTS episode 148 and as you watch it in your bed with a sheet mask on you’d be like the fuck is wainscoting??

But for now, you are decidedly a non-believer, even as Yoongi moves through the steps with surprising ease, piecing it together like he’s done this a million times before.

“Hold this,” he says, passing you one of the boards to brace while he screws in the side panels. His fingers brush yours as he adjusts the position, and it’s then that you notice his hands.

Well, you’ve noticed his hands before, but this time it’s different. You watch as his long fingers grip the screwdriver, veins running along the back of his hand, disappearing beneath his shirt sleeve, flexing with every twist. It’s oddly mesmerizing—beautiful, if you’re honest with yourself. They look perfectly balanced between grace and ruggedness, bone structure firm, but the skin warm and soft.

God, those hands… Your mind flashes to places it shouldn’t, and you quickly look away. You clear your throat, as you wrestle with thoughts of those hands wrapping tenderly around your throat. 

Holy shit.

He’s completely focused on aligning the screws, while you’re completely unfocused thinking about how you’d very much like for y’all to screw.

Wow. You are a fuckin’ pervert. And so shit at double entendres.

As he continues to work, you can’t help but observe his fingers as they move with precision. Long, lithe, bony in all the right places. Delicate, yet also powerful. And then there are those lovely veins—they pulse slightly with each motion, as his fingers curl effortlessly around the tool like it’s second nature. 

It’s way too easy to imagine those hands doing something else entirely. Something that has nothing to do with Ikea furniture. Everything to do with you. Naked, ideally. Now, preferably.

OK Stop. Stop right now.

With a shaky exhale, you force yourself to focus on holding the cabinet in place, but the mental image is seared into your brain now. There’s something unfair about how attractive Yoongi’s hands are—how much control they have, how easily they move, how they make your brain go berserk.

“You good?” Yoongi asks, his voice breaking through your thoughts.

“Hmm?” You blink, realizing you haven’t said anything for a minute.

He blinks blankly at you and doesn’t say more, just passes to you a handful of screws. You take them from him, swallowing the lewd thoughts racing through your mind.

As he finishes screwing the rest of the pieces together, his thumb grazes along the edge of the board, and your eyes trail after it like you’re hypnotized. You bite your lip, trying to focus on anything else. Anything but how good his hands look. Did you seriously just discover a fetish right now?

He shifts closer to tighten something, and you’re hit with the warmth of his body, plus the faint scent of his soap. Your heartbeat picks up, but you stay silent, pretending this is all fine, like you’re not on the verge of asking him to stop and just drag you to the back office closet to fuck.

Sweat is dripping down your neck at the sheer self control you are exercising at the moment. You need him to hurry the fuck up, because there’s already an uncomfortable wetness in your underwear and you need to deal with it stat. 

He inspects one of the wood pieces and knocks on it as if to test its strength and you study his knuckles, slightly prominent dappled with subtle brownish-pinkish marks perhaps from boxing.

Honestly, that’s so hot.

Yoongi finishes tightening one side and sits back, leaning on his hands, fingers splayed out on the floor. You glance down, and oof there they are again—those damn hands, long and elegant, resting on the floor like they’re mocking you. You wonder, just briefly, what it would feel like if those palms were pressed up against you, instead of the floor. Will those hands be gentle, rough, will he be the type to leave marks…

You’re staring. Definitely staring.

Yoongi clears his throat softly, and you snap your eyes up to his face. He’s watching you now, head tilted slightly, lips pressed into a line that looks suspiciously like he’s holding back a smile. There’s a knowing glint there—of course he’s caught you, but he’s not going to call you out for it.

“Want to hand me that last piece?” he asks, voice calm but with that little hint of amusement in it. He motions toward the final panel lying next to you, hand outstretched.

You quickly pass it to him, avoiding his gaze completely. His fingers brush yours when he takes it, slow, deliberate. 

Oh shit, he definitely knows.

He lines up the final piece of the cabinet and starts screwing it in, but there’s a shift in the air now. You force yourself to focus on what’s in front of you—on the fact that you’re literally just building a cabinet and not having an existential crisis over someone’s hands. 

You glance at him from the corner of your eye, trying to read his expression, but he’s focused on the task again, his lips slightly parted as he concentrates. You catch yourself staring at his lips now and quickly look away before he can notice that, too.

Finally, he finishes tightening the last screw, sitting back to admire the completed cabinet. “There. Not so bad, right?”

You breathe out a laugh, the tension in your chest finally easing. “Yeah. Thanks for saving my ass with this.”

Yoongi shrugs, wiping his hands on his slacks. “It was easy enough. I think you were just overthinking it.”

You roll your eyes, feeling more at ease now that the project’s done. “Well, maybe if I had hands like yours, I wouldn’t have struggled.” The words slip out before you can stop them, and your face ignites.

Fuckkkk stupid fuckk dumbass bitchhh

He glances at you, eyebrows raised, then looks at his hands, flexing his fingers like he’s just realizing what you’ve said. He’s silent for a second, and then, “My hands?” There’s that barely-there smirk on his face, subtle but unmistakable.

You scramble to recover. “You know what I mean,” you mumble, grabbing a stray screw off the floor, wishing it would just swallow you whole.

Mercifully, he doesn’t push it further. Just chuckles softly, leaning back against the wall, his gaze flicking to you for a beat longer. “You’re welcome,” he says simply.

He stretches his fingers one last time before stuffing them in his pockets. “They’re at your service, whenever you need them.”

Cheeky bastard.

“Yes, mom, I won’t be late,” you tell Chae as you tug your high-waisted leggings into place, your phone sandwiched between your ear and your shoulder.

“Ok. See ya!” 

Finally you smooth the fabric of your sports bra in the office bathroom mirror, turning slightly to check your reflection. The purple set hugs your body in all the right places, accentuating your curves and giving you that boost of confidence you hadn’t realized you needed. You’re not perfect by any stretch, but something about this fit makes you stand a little taller, feel a little bolder.

It’s after-hours, and the office is mostly deserted. You’d told yourself it’d be fine to walk back to your desk dressed like this—barely anyone’s around to notice. Yoongi left minutes ago, or at least you think he did. He never really stays after 5:30 p.m. except that one night he returned “for his ear buds” and even then he actually went home and just came back to get drunk with you, apparently.

As you step into the hallway, your dunks squeak faintly on the floor, echoing in the quiet. You glance around, feeling pretty damn good as you make your way back to your desk to grab your stuff before heading to Chae’s Pilates class.

But as soon as you open the door to your office, you freeze.

Yoongi is still there.

Standing by his desk, packing up, his head snaps up at the sound of the door opening. His eyes lock onto you, and for a second—just a second—they widen, raking over you in a way that’s anything but office-appropriate. His gaze drifts from your legs, up to your waist, lingering at the curve of your hips, then up to your chest, where the sports bra does more work than it has any right to.

You see the exact moment he tries to recover. His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and he quickly looks away, busying himself with stuffing papers into his bag like they’ve suddenly become the most fascinating thing in the world.

Oh. Oh.

The corner of your mouth twitches. It’s almost funny, really—after all the teasing and the subtle suggestions, Yoongi finally looks like he’s the one caught off guard. Finally. You saunter further into the office, a booty-tooch here and there, pretending like nothing’s out of the ordinary, but inside, you’re fully aware of the power shift that just happened.

“Didn’t think you were still here,” you say casually, grabbing your water bottle from your desk. You make a show of bending just slightly, and when you look up, you don’t miss the way Yoongi’s stare flickers toward your cleavage before he quickly averts his gaze. His ears are a little red. Gotcha.

“I thought you’d left already.” He clears his throat. “You uh you got a class?”

“Mhmm…” You hum sweetly, tossing the bottle into your bag. “Pilates. My best friend convinced me to go. Free trial and all.”

Yoongi nods slowly, still not quite making full eye contact, like he’s trying really hard not to look directly at you again. The sadistic part of you wants to make it worse, just for shits—after all, didn’t you deserve a little revenge after the way he had you silently losing your mind over his hands the other day?

“So… what do you think?” You tilt your head, as if the answer to that question isn’t already written in big, bold letters all over his face.

Yoongi finally looks at you then, before darting back to his bag, his fingers a little too purposeful as they zip the bag shut. “About Pilates?”

“No,” you say, smirking. “About the outfit.”

It takes him a second to process that, and when he does, you swear you see his jaw tighten. He presses his lips together, trying to keep his cool.

“It’s… nice,” he says, the understatement of the year, and you raise an eyebrow, daring him to say more. 

“Huh.” You cross your arms, weight shifting to one hip, the motion drawing his eyes back to you at the sliver of skin that just revealed itself. “Just nice?”

Yoongi exhales, running a hand through his hair, and for the first time in the months you’ve known him, he looks rattled. Not by much, but enough to notice. You wait, feeling a surge of satisfaction, enjoying this just a tad too much.

He catches your gaze again, this time holding it for longer. His tongue drags across his bottom lip, the gesture slow, and finally, finally, he leans back against the desk, arms crossing as he gives you an appraising look. The faintest smirk pulls at his mouth, but it’s restrained, like he’s weighing his next words carefully. You are still in office premises after all, not in some club in Garosu-gil.

“You’re trouble,” he says softly, and the word hangs in the air between you. The same word you’ve used for him more than once—now, turned on you. “You know that, right?”

You bite your lip, trying to suppress a grin. It feels like a straight-up W, having him flustered, even for a moment. “Yeah?”

He lets out a tiny chuckle, shaking his head. “Yeah.” His eyes drop to your legs again, another once-over. When they return to yours, they’re darker, more intent. He pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue before replying, “Definitely trouble.”

You pretend to mull it over, playing with the front zipper of your sports bra. “I mean, you’re the one staring,” you tease, fully aware of what you’re doing now.

Yoongi’s grin returns, a little sharper this time. “And you’re the one who walked in here looking like that.” His voice rasps just slightly on the last words, and it’s enough to send tingles down your spine.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” you jest, this time repeating one of his lines from the other night. He shakes his head again at you, clearly remembering it, too.

“Well,” you say, voice deliberately airy, “I should get going. Don’t want to be late for class.”

Yoongi nods, and his eyes follow you as you move toward the door. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel a little smug in the way he’s gawking at you. Man like him is used to being surrounded by gorgeous women, being in an industry that demands being perfect, and yet he seemed enamored by a perfectly imperfect you. How you like that?

Wow he’s still watching. Well if he wants this as spank bank material tonight, then by all means, you consent for him to stare. 

“Have fun at Pilates,” he says, his tone a little too even.

You pause at the door, glancing over your shoulder with a triumphant grin. “See you later, Yoongi.”

You have to admit, work has been pretty inspiring since you and Yoongi started hinting at your attraction to each other. Coffee breaks now feel like mini dates. Over steaming cups of latte (americano for him) that now tastes a little less shitty, your knuckles brush sometimes—just a quick touch, but neither of you pulls away. And even though it’s brief, it’s starting to mean everything. 

It’s becoming more obvious: you’re both opening up, letting each other in, swapping stories that are equal parts random and revealing. He tells you about the black cat he ‘borrows’ from a friend when he feels lonely. You tell him about your complicated relationship with your dad, how it’s still a work in progress. Each conversation feels like another layer peeled back, another step toward something deeper. Hopefully.

But then, of course, your inner saboteur decides to join the party. You start wondering what this really is for him. A way to pass the time, maybe, cause he’s just bored in the house. You know the kind of life Yoongi’s used to, but since he’s forced to step away, and here you are... just there, conveniently available. A little distraction. Maybe that’s all this is. You think about how easily he could pick you up like a little plaything and tickle you whenever he likes. Cos, damn, you know he knows that you are very much tickled.

He hasn’t asked for your number. And honestly? You don’t think you have the guts to ask for his. But it’s not even just about guts–you think you’re a plenty empowered woman. There’s the NDA—a whole ass contract hanging over your head, making sure you won’t cross. You’re stuck, confined to these small, controlled moments within the four walls of work.

And that’s what gnaws at you the most: you don’t know if this could ever become something real outside of this space. Your lives, your worlds—they’re just too different. 

Your Saturday looks a little different today. Tonight, you find yourself in Chae’s place of work. You’re wearing a pretty little dress, paired with cute heels that make you feel amazing, even if they pinch a little. Your hair is softly curled at the ends, one delicate pin securing it behind your ear on one side, leaving the rest to fall naturally. It’s simple but enough to make you feel put together, like you belong here, even if this whole scene is a bit fancier than your usual.

The soft hum of conversation and the clinking of glasses fill the air as you settle in at the bar, a glass of sparkling wine in hand. The lighting is low, giving the restaurant an intimate, almost cozy feel despite its sleek, upscale design. Dark wood tables, candles flickering on every surface, and the kind of velvet seating that makes you want to sink right in. It’s posh, but not stuffy—like the kind of place where you can have a real conversation without having to shout.

You take a slow sip of your drink, eyes drifting around the room. The bar is polished marble, gleaming under the soft pendant lights that hang overhead, casting a gentle glow on everything. The vibe is understated but undeniably chic, with just enough buzz in the air to remind you that this is a special night. 

You imagine Chae in the kitchen, totally in her element, probably yelling at someone to get the garnish right while she’s knee-deep in prepping plates. Too busy to talk, but that’s fine. You didn’t mind. You’re here for the food, the drinks, and to support her.

A guy, about your age, slides onto the barstool next to you. “Hey. You here for the friends and family thing, too?” he asks casually, although it’s obvious since it is a private event after all. You know he’s just trying to make conversation.

You smile politely, nodding. “Yeah, my best friend works here. You?”

“Cousin of one of the line chefs,” he replies. “No idea who most of these people are, but free food, right?”

You chuckle. He seems harmless enough—just someone to pass the time with while you wait for the meal to start. The conversation flows easily, touching on casual topics. Nothing too deep, but enough to make you feel at ease in the unfamiliar crowd.

Then, out of nowhere, a ripple passes through the room. You notice heads turning, subtle whispers growing louder as two men were ushered to a VIP section at the far end of the restaurant. You exchange a glance with the guy–Jungwon, curiosity piqued.

“Who’s that?” Jungwon asks, craning his neck slightly. “Some kind of celebrity?”

You squint in their direction, but couldn’t quite make them out. “No idea, but they must be, with that kind of posse.”

Just then, your phone buzzes in your hand. You glance down, seeing a message come through.

Chae: fuck ur bf and my bf are here!!! Omgggg 

Your eyebrows shot up. You quickly type back:

You: Wtf are you talking abtt?!

But before you can get a response, you are ushered into the main dining area with the rest of the guests. The low lighting and beautifully set tables were designed for an intimate evening, and you found yourself seated at a small two-person table with Jungwon due to limited seating.

As you settle in, your vision drift towards the VIP section again, this time landing directly on someone you didn’t expect to see. Min Yoongi was sitting there with none other than Jeon Jungkook.

Your breath catches in your throat. Oh. Well, that explains the murmurs. The sudden shift in atmosphere. And Chae’s message.

You weren’t expecting this—him. Not here. Not tonight.

You tell yourself to look away, play it cool, but your eyes keep darting back, betraying you. Yoongi hasn’t seen you yet—thank God—but it’s only a matter of time. 

You’re hit with a wave of something—excitement? Nerves? Probably both. This was supposed to be a low-key night, a chance to support Chae and enjoy some free food and drinks. Instead, it feels like the stakes just shot up, like you’re tightroping between wanting to be invisible and being seen.

You take a steadying breath, flicking back to him one last time. He’s still talking with Jungkook, leaning back in his seat, completely unaware of the fact that your world just tilted slightly off its axis. 

Suddenly, Yoongi’s head turns, almost like he can feel your frantic energy. He sweeps the room, pausing when they find you. And for a split second, there’s something there—recognition, a softness in his expression, the kind of look that makes your heart stutter. His lips lift at the corners, like he’s about to smile, and for that brief moment, you let yourself believe in it.

But then, just as quickly, his gaze shifts. His expression cools, like a door closing in slow motion. The familiarity drains, replaced by something distant. Detached. He nods at you—polite, formal, like he’s acknowledging a colleague at a meeting. Nothing more. Before looking away.

Wow. That’s cold.

That tiny, hopeful flicker you’d felt just a moment ago? Gone. You weren’t expecting some grand gesture, but this? This feels like... nothing. Just a nod. Just formality. 

You shift in your seat, fingers tightening around the stem of your wine glass, feeling like shit.

Of course. Of course it’s like this. Why wouldn’t it be? Here you are, your first taste of seeing him outside your office bubble and your inner saboteur was right.

It’s disappointing, but not surprising. This was always confined to the office, wasn’t it? That’s where it was convenient. But out in the world, with people around and the difference of your class apparent? Just look–he’s in the VIP section and you’re… not. It’s different. He’s different. And maybe you are too, suddenly unsure of where you stand with him.

Was he annoyed? Uncomfortable that you’re here? You replay the moment in your head, trying to decipher the brief look on his face before it shifted. You’ve always had a tendency to overthink things, but still... that coolness in his gaze lingers in your mind, and you can’t shake the feeling that something has changed.

You glance away, pretending to focus on the glass in your hand, but the truth is, you don’t know how to feel. You don’t want to feel disappointed, but you do. And it’s hitting you harder than it should, because maybe, deep down, you wanted more.

But this is your first glimpse of what happens in the real world. And right now, it feels like you’re just two strangers in a crowded room.

The first course arrives, pulling you out of your thoughts, and you try to refocus, letting the taste of the food ground you for a while. You chat lightly with Jungwon, making small talk about the meal, the restaurant, anything that keeps your mind occupied. Every now and then, though, your thoughts drift back to Yoongi, to that cool, distant nod, and the wound in your heart expands. You try to shake it off, tell yourself it’s nothing, but fuck—it stings.

Your phone buzzes again with a message from Chae. You excuse yourself from Jungwon and pull your phone out.

Chae: If u don’t intro me to Min Yoongi, friendship over!!!!!!! Also jk but ik you havent met him yet. Omg im guna freakkk

You sigh. Of course. Chae doesn’t know. She hasn’t seen the awkward distance that’s already wedged itself between you and Yoongi tonight. And you definitely don’t want to be the one to burst her bubble. This is her night—a huge one for her culinary career. The last thing you want to do is drag your personal worries into it.

You type up a simple reply.

You: On it. Stand by. And pls act normal

Fuckkk how are you going to do this? You excuse yourself to the powder room. Looking up at yourself in the mirror, you adjust your lipstick and clean up the edges with the pad of your ring finger.

Yoongi’s a good person, you remind yourself, your mind running through every little moment you’ve shared with him at the office. He won’t embarrass you in public. That’s not who he is. But still, there’s that nagging doubt in the back of your mind—the one that’s been whispering ever since you saw his face earlier, the way his warmth slipped into something more distant.

And if he does embarrass you? Well... maybe that’s your answer. Maybe tonight is the night you get the clarity you’ve been secretly waiting for. 

You come back to Jungwon wiping his mouth with the table napkin, chewing the last bits of his mains. Before you can even politely excuse yourself, he gulps his drink in one go, “Hey, I think I'm actually gonna bounce.”

So that’s that. You text Chae and make your way toward Yoongi’s table, heartbeat picking up speed.

Chae: I’m goin in. Get your ass ready. 

As you approach, Beefy—the bodyguard you recognize from past run-ins inside the office—gives you a friendly nod and lets you through without hesitation. You give him a grateful smile before turning your attention to Yoongi and Jungkook. Jungkook is mid-conversation, laughing at something Yoongi has said, but as soon as you appear, their heads turn toward you.

You give a small wave and a smile. “Hey.”

Yoongi’s eyes meet yours for a split second, and he gives you a smile that reminds you of that day you first met. Forced. Awkward. Tight-lipped.

Fuck. You’re starting to feel like such an idiot. Maybe this was a mistake—maybe he really doesn’t want to associate with you outside of work. You should’ve read the room. 

But before your thoughts can spiral any further, Jungkook thankfully steps in. “I’m Jungkook, and you are?”

You give him your name, a small, polite bow. You’re about to explain who you are, but before you can, Jungkook’s face light up with recognition.

“Ohhh, wait,” he says pointing a finger at you, a grin spreading across his face, “You’re Yoongi-hyung’s boss.”

You freeze. Boss? His grin widens, and suddenly, there’s a teasing glint in his eyes as he flicks his gaze between you and Yoongi like he’s just connected some dots.

Yoongi shoots him a look, something caught between exasperation and warning. It’s like you can hear the silent “Don’t.” Jungkook ignores it, his smile only growing, and so is your confusion.

“That would be me,” you say, trying to hold onto your composure, giving Jungkook a nod while feeling completely out of the loop.

“Hyung, why didn’t you tell me she was going to be here?” Jungkook’s tone is light, but there’s an unspoken challenge beneath it, like he’s teasing Yoongi in a way that only someone who knows him well could. The silent back-and-forth between them is hard to miss, and it leaves you feeling both confused and embarrassed. There’s clearly something you’re not getting.

Yoongi just shrugs, his voice more detached than you’d like. “I had no idea.”

You furrow your brows, trying to make sense of what’s happening. Jungkook gives Yoongi a curious look, as if they’re having an entire conversation through telepathy. You, meanwhile, are just standing there, completely out of place and unsure whether you should laugh or back away slowly.

And Yoongi hasn’t even addressed you directly in the midst of all this. God, you’re so embarrassed.

At this point, you figure it’s time to bail. You gave it a shot, and it feels like Yoongi doesn’t even want you here. Sorry, Chae. “Anyway, it was nice to meet you Jungkook, but I should just—” You jerk your thumb over your shoulder, already planning your exit.

“No, no!” Jungkook interrupts quickly, grinning like he’s enjoying this way too much. “If you’re here, you should definitely join us,” he says, gesturing to the empty spot next to Yoongi. “There’s more than enough room.”

You hesitate, but before you can even respond, Yoongi speaks up, his tone calm but there’s something else beneath it—something strained. “She’s with someone already.”

You blink. Someone?

Ah. Now it makes sense.

You glance at Yoongi, the pieces falling into place. He thinks you’re here with someone, like on a date. Is it really why he’s been acting distant? Hmm. It’s almost funny now, if it wasn’t so painfully awkward.

You clear your throat. “Actually, I just met Jungwon here. I came alone.” You explain it to Jungkook, but really, the person who needs to hear it is Yoongi. “And he already left, so I’d be down to join if it’s cool with you….” 

Jungkook’s grin is immediate, and he pats the seat next to Yoongi like it’s been waiting for you all along. “Of course! Sit with us.”

You hesitate for a second longer, glancing at Yoongi to see how he’s reacting. His expression shifts—softens—and before you know it, he’s pulling the chair out for you, at the same time Jungkook gets a call.

“Be right back,” Jungkook says and disappears into the hall towards the back of the restaurant.

You settle into the chair beside Yoongi, feeling this strange tension. You glance at him, but Yoongi avoids you, eyes fixed on the table.

But then, just barely, you notice it—the faintest tug at the corner of his lips. It’s subtle, but it’s there. He’s smiling, the kind of smile that betrays him. The kind that says, Yeah, you caught me. And it confirms what you guessed was happening: he was actually kinda jealous. Which is ridiculous, because why would he feel that?!

He breathes out a soft fuck, before he runs a hand across his scalp. It’s almost funny now and you can’t help but shake your head at him, a small pout playing on your lips. You hear a “sorry” in the deepest register you’ve heard for his voice.

Neither of you says a word after that, but the moment speaks for itself. There’s a quiet agreement to let it go. 

“So…” you start.

Yoongi clears his throat. “Can I get you something to drink?”

You blink, a little surprised, but grateful for the gesture. “Just a glass of white, please.”

He nods, finally looking at you for a second before signaling the waiter. His voice is calm, easy, as he orders for you. He orders a whiskey neat.

As the waiter walks away, Yoongi leans back, glancing at you briefly before looking away again. He doesn’t say much, but the small smile that lingers on his lips tells you enough. He knows he got caught acting a fool. And he’s not quite sure how to deal with it.

And honestly, you don’t know what to feel about it, either. It’s… madness, really.

When your drink arrives, the clouds seem to part. You extend your flute towards him, and he clinks it with his lowball and you both take a sip, peering at each other through your own glasses.

Jungkook sits back down at the table, and the conversation picks up almost immediately. Jungkook leans forward, flashing a bright smile. “So, what’s it like working with him?” He jerks his head in Yoongi’s direction, boba-like orbs twinkling mischievously.

Yoongi sighs, leaning back in his chair, his usual calm demeanor settling in. “Stop,” he mutters under his breath, already sensing where this is going.

You laugh softly. “He’s not so bad. Actually, he’s really helpful.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows shoot up. “Helpful? Yoongi-hyung? Are we talking about the same guy?” He’s clearly enjoying himself, teasing while keeping the mood light.

Yoongi shoots him a look, shaking his head. “I’m right here.”

But Jungkook grins, ignoring Yoongi’s protest. “Nah, you sure he isn’t sleeping on the job?”

You chuckle, nodding. “Well, he does use his lunches for sleeping more than eating.”

Yoongi groans. “Great. Love this conversation.”

“I knew it,” Jungkook laughs, before drinking the rest of his drink like a shot.

You can’t help but snicker, but there’s something in you that feels a little protective of Yoongi. “To be fair, he is helpful. You should see him in the office. Always stepping in when I need something fixed.”

Yoongi’s lips twitch, fighting back a small smile. “See? Helpful.”

Jungkook just raises an eyebrow at him. “Wow, look at you, hyung. Gunning for Employee of the Month.”

“It’s literally just him in my department. He already wins by default.” you bump Yoongi with your shoulders to coax a tiny smile from him, and you’re successful.

Conversations flow naturally after that, going towards the meal you just had (which Chae would be happy to know got rave reviews) onto other things.

“So, where are you from?” Jungkook asks.

“Busan,” you say with a grin, catching the flicker of excitement in his eyes.

“No way!” Jungkook says, clapping his hands together. “I’m from Busan, too!” He leans in, his enthusiasm infectious. “Do you know that bungeoppang stall at Gukje Market?”

You blink in surprise. “The one with the darling ahjumma with the big hair and red lipstick? I used to go there after school.”

“Oh shit, really?” Jungkook lets out a laugh. “I still dream about that mmm...”

“The ahjumma?” Yoongi asks, straight-faced and full of shit.

Jungkook’s expression sours and you giggle.

“You’re just jealous you’re missing out, hyung,” Jungkook says, turning to Yoongi with a teasing grin. “Busan people know what’s up.”

Yoongi doesn't say anything, just looks at both of you with amusement as you share a high five.

Before Jungkook can continue, Chae finally approaches the table, in her crisp chef’s uniform and a bright smile on her face. 

You introduce her quickly, and she immediately fits in, shaking hands with both of them. You admire the composure, really, considering she is meeting her favorite people.

But what she says next surprises you, when she stops being “loyal ARMY” and starts being “protective best friend.”

“I’ve heard so much about you,” Chae says to Yoongi, her tone light, but knowing.

Yoongi looks momentarily caught off guard, but before he can say anything, Jungkook jumps in, grinning wide. “Oh yeah? Well, I’ve heard a lot about her too,” he says, nodding toward you.

Huh?!

You feel your face heat up, and Yoongi glances at you, clearly not expecting the conversation to turn on him like that. “Wonder why you two talk about each other so much,” Jungkook muses, tapping his chin dramatically.

You and Yoongi exchange a look, both of you feeling the awkwardness creep in. You try to laugh it off, but it’s clear both of you are embarrassed.

Chae, despite starting this whole ripple, decides to shift gears to give you a reprieve, “Anyway, I hear you’re part-timing in the military kitchen, Jungkook. I’ve been dying to know what you think of our food, as a fellow professional.”

Jungkook beams, clearly thrilled to be praised for his culinary pursuits. “Oh, it’s fuckin’ phenomenal. Though—that,” he points at one of the dishes on the table, “that’s way better than anything I’ve had lately.”

Chae’s face lights up. “Ah, that makes me so happy. That’s one of my original recipes. What did you like about it?”

As the two of them dive into an enthusiastic conversation about food, you feel a shift under the table. At first, you think it’s nothing—a stray napkin, maybe. But then it happens again, more deliberate this time. You glance down, and—oh shit, that’s Yoongi’s hand.

Your breath catches for a second, your heart doing a little flip. You glance at Yoongi, but he’s still keeping his attention on the conversation between Chae and Jungkook. Still, there’s something there—something softer—that he doesn’t quite hide.

He’s slow, careful, like he’s testing whether you’ll pull away. You freeze for a second, your pulse kicking up. His fingers brush yours lightly before he gently takes your hand in his, slipping it under the cloth of the table like it’s a secret just between the two of you.

Your heart soars. He’s talking to Chae, pretending everything is normal, but this? This is definitely not nothing. You glance at him, but he’s looking ahead, calm and composed as always, matching the tenderness in the way his thumb strokes over your knuckles.

You squeeze his hand back. It feels like the confirmation you’ve both been waiting for, even though neither of you says anything. 

As the night winds down, the crowd starts thinning out. You wait near the entrance for Chae to finish up, scrolling absently on your phone. You’d figured Yoongi left through the back at some point after he and Jungkook were requested to tour the kitchens. But then you glance up and there he is walking towards you.

He stands close, gaze steady on you, like he’s been waiting for this moment. “I’ll drive you home,” he says, his voice low, like it’s not even a question.

You’re caught a little off guard. “You don’t have to—Chae and I were just—”

“I’ll drive you home,” he repeats, softer this time but just as firm. There’s something in the way he says it that makes it hard to argue. It’s not just the offer—it’s the way he’s looking at you, like he’s already decided.

And because God knows you’re so weak for this man, it’s almost pathetic how you just nod wordlessly.

Chae appears, barely catching the tail end of the conversation. Her eyes dart between you and Yoongi, and then—because of course she can’t resist—her jaw drops dramatically. 

She pulls her phone out, putting on the most ridiculous performance. “Yeah? I’ll come over!” She pretends to talk to someone, then covers the phone mic, turning to you. “I won’t be home. Don’t wait up. You have the whole apartment to yourself, all night.”

You shoot her a look, and she gives you a wink before making herself scarce. You groan inwardly. Way to be subtle, Chae. Really nailed it.

Yoongi chuckles under his breath, the faintest smile tugging at his lips. He motions to the car waiting outside. “Come on,” he says, and just like that, you’re following him out into the cool night air.

The car pulls up, sleek and black, with a driver already waiting inside. Yoongi opens the door for you, and you slide in, nerves buzzing in your chest. He slips in beside you, the driver closing the door for him.

The city lights blur past as the car moves through the streets, and for a moment, you’re both quiet, just watching the world pass by. But then, you feel it—his hand, creeping over the seat like it’s found a familiar place, slowly sliding over yours.

Your breath hitches as his fingers intertwined with yours again, his touch warm and steady. There’s no hesitation this time. His grip is a little firmer, more certain.

“Come closer,” he murmurs, his voice quiet, but the way he says it sends a shiver through you.

You hesitate, more out of nerves than anything. “It’s ok,” you mutter, half-playful, half-nervous. “I’m fine here.”

Yoongi lets out a low chuckle, the sound deep and amused. He doesn’t push it, but his thumb strokes over your hand again, like he’s perfectly content with the small bit of contact for now. Still, you feel the tension simmering between you—the quiet pull you’ve been dancing around for weeks, maybe months.

The rest of the drive passes in a blur, your thoughts spinning. When the car pulls up in front of your apartment, you take a deep breath, trying to ground yourself. You know what comes next. You’re psyching yourself up to make the move, but Yoongi’s voice echoes in the stillness inside the car.

“Good night,” he says, watching you with that look that makes your heart race. “You look really pretty tonight.”

You feel the blush creeping up your neck, “Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.”

He nods, a boyish grin on his face. 

And before you can stop yourself, the words spill out. “Yoongi, do you... want to come up for ramen?”

The second it leaves your mouth, you cringe inwardly. Ramen? Really? But it’s out there now, and you can’t take it back.

Yoongi’s tongue skims the seam of his lips before it curves into a knowing smile. “Ramen, huh?”

You clear your throat, trying to salvage whatever dignity you have left. “Yeah... you know. If you’re hungry.”

There’s a beat of silence, then Yoongi unbuckles his seatbelt, his eyes darkening ever so slightly. “Ramen sounds good.”

A/N: So....... ramen, eh???? Please lmk what you thought about this chapter <3 Any favorite parts? Personally, it was Yoongi drooling over MC's gym fit. That was hella fun to write.

Thanks again for reading this you lovely human!

Important poll right here Chapter Four >

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Hope I didn't miss anybody, but if I did please shout at me in the comments. 💕

[cant-get-no-worse]

We're so bad off. Like I'm sorry but I can't help but despair. It's like we're becoming AC Milan. "Next season" club. I feel I'm going insane. At what point does optimism become foolishness? We'd be better off accepting it, the sooner the better. We're done for and it might take us decades, if not never, to get back where we were. Management and everything is rotten to the ground. We've never been this bad and even though I love this club very much I just can't with this team. Most of them are acting like a bunch of spoiled children not lead by anyone, happy to pose for pics after defeats and losing to your biggest rival. Like honestly? We haven't got one silver lining anywhere, except the kids from the academy. But they won't be enough, and everyone acts as if they're suddenly going to become our saviors. They can't, because they need actual management for it, and atm we don't have anyone qualified to do this job.

I get your turmoil all too well, but rather than answer it lengthily, I'll simply let History and Sid Lowe speak.

[...] in October 1973 [...] Barcelona were fourth from bottom, having won only two of their seven league games, and were already out of the Uefa Cup. [...] “We had gone 14 years without winning the league and culés had started to despair,” his team-mate Charly Rexach recalls.

x

When Cruyff took over as manager in 1988, Barcelona were a club in debt and in crisis. Results were bad, performances were worse, the atmosphere terrible and attendances down, while even the relationship between the president of the club Josep Lluís Núñez and the president of the nation they represented, Jordi Pujol, had deteriorated. It did not work immediately but he recovered the identity he had embodied as a player. He took risks, and rewards followed.

x

The culture of the instant may make you believe this is the first time we're this "bad off" — thankfully, it most assuredly isn't. We've been oh so worse. Of course, you can't compare football from the 70s or the 80s to actual football, but you can compare the club's situation. Fourteen years without winning the league? We won it last year and we're throwing a funeral. Fourth from bottom? We're second and wondering if this is Doomsday descending upon us. Attendances down? Barcelona is the La Liga club that consistently draws the most audience viewership on TV, and is rebuilding the biggest capacity stadium in all Europe.

Meanwhile, you can't escape the likeness between our current situation and what Lowe just described. In debt, in crisis? Check that box. Bad results? We're certainly rocky as fuck and lack consistency. Complicated relationships between higher-ups? Should be our nickname.

What I'm saying is — we have been there before, and matter of fact, we've been way worse than "there". We'll need time, a board change, a solid managerial figure to lead - not a Cruyff or Guardiola necessarily, because you don't find this kind of geniuses lying around anymore, but someone with enough vision and strength to pull it out of a team lacking in many departments, a return to the 1/1 rule, amongst other things. Calm down. We're Barcelona. We'll see what the wind brings and we'll flow with it.

[dgdraws]

My art year in review!

I learned so much this year and made a ton of cool stuff! These are my favorites from each month, but it was so hard to choose. A lot of stuff didn't even get posted--I'll be sure to at least post the ones that made it to this list!

It's amazing to see how much I've changed and learned over this year, and to see the things that are emerging as part of "my style."

Here's to another year of delight, creation, connection and fun!

Some monthly reflections beneath the cut, but here's the highlights:

I participated in 3 art challenges, Artfight, OC-tober and Huevember.

I made fanart for the first time!

I created a piece I conceived of before I started drawing

Made some big breakthroughs in techniques and skills in April, July and November

January: My first branch into full character design, Rodd is the culmination of training on Hero Forge renders to make dnd portraits! I was doing this cool thing with neon rim lighting, I should bring that back!

February: I saw a piece on here with this amazing glowing effect, so I color picked it and experimented to figure out what relationship between the colors was making it do that! The answer was saturation. This rose is meant to be glowing from within, and I think I did a good job for my knowledge level at the time! As Chuck Tingle would tell us, it's beautiful because only I could have made it in that moment on the timeline.

March: I spent a million years on every detail of this one, it has at least 5 clipping overlay/saturation layers for lighting, multiple line work groups and I want to rework that background but! I never felt more accomplished than I did when I finished this one. I learned a lot, especially about things I could skip or simplify. And the symbolism really pops off ngl

April: I read Gideon the Ninth for the first time this month and I immediately needed to draw Jeannemary Chatur, Cavalier of the Fourth House, the worst teen to do it. She's the first fanart I ever made and posted! I also discovered a new pen tool with this one, which CHANGED THE GAME.

May: This one is an idea I had written down before I ever picked up the tablet and stylus. I thought I might commission someone to make it, the image of it came to me so clearly during our VTM session I just had to make it real somehow. Well I did it! This is one I will come back to redraw in like 5 years bc I love the concept so much. Also rife with symbolism and inside nods to the Low Kings.

June: I made a bunch of ref sheets in the run-up to Artfight in July. Caleb hadn't even been in my plans to upload, but I had time and inspiration! I will be uploading this and a few more of him <3

July: This is one of my faves from Artfight! This character is Blueberry, by way of OrchidEatsBread on artfight. I have still never played... rainworld? But I love me a slug cat. In July I drew a TON of people, it really drilled anatomy basics into me and how to get clothes looking like actual clothes a bit more. Also solidified some things I would consider "my style" at the moment, like no irises, and my approach to noses and mouths and fingers!

August: Another fanart for the Locked Tomb series, I never posted this!!! Will be rectifying that soon.

September: I got really into javascript and css this month, and I made this to be a landing page image on my neocities website XD I'll get back around to that eventually...

October: At the last minute, I discovered OC-tober and the prompts from @/bweirdart, a worthy follow up to the rush of Artfight two months previous. I developed so much stuff for the Low Kings, including this drawing/character, Amayah/Girl-Z, who has been a figment of my pintrest board for 2+ years.

Huevember: Chasing that OC-tober high, I found Huevember! I did not expect to actually do every day, but it proved to be an amazing exercise! I learned so, so much about color, discovered amazing new brushes and techniques and found I really enjoy working in those one day capsules! I loved a lot of the stuff that came out of this month, including my highest note post ever!!!, but this one is still my phone background and I'm maybe developing an OC world around it. We'll see what happens in 2024.

December: I got hit HARD with the writing bug this month, so this was my only choice for this month but I WOULDA CHOSEN IT ANYWAY. I unlocked something here that I'm really excited to visit again, in fact I'm working on a companion piece rn! This is also fanart btw, prepare for me to get even weirder about this guy in the coming months.

If you've read this far, thank you so much! I have so much fun writing these little reflections and making my posts on here.

xoxo, wren

[mllemouse]

2022 holiday card

hi friends.

I've been feeling like i can approach tumblr from a healthier perspective lately, so

i thought I'd write you my version of like those family newsletters you get in holiday cards to keep everyone in the loop.

Uh, TW for like terrible mental health issues and sexual assault.

I last posted in October 2021, so to cover that bit as well...

that month i set my hair on fire over my stove and had to cut it up to my chest to get rid of all the singed bits. I was sad that my long long hair was gone, so I had my coworker shave me a raddddd undercut

In November 2021 i started seeing a few therapists after spending almost the entire year trying to get started with one and increasingly relying on friends and crisis lines to keep myself here. I settled on one therapist i really liked and still see him weekly.

In December, my coworker began sexually harassing me. It's still an issue and I no longer work with him one on one. Its brought up a lot of past trauma. My mum came to pick me up and bring me home for Christmas, but instead got COVID and had to quarantine in my studio apartment with me for three weeks. I didn't get COVID, but between that and the coworker stuff, i felt pretty traumatized by January. Thank God i got the therapist thing covered in november.

In January one of my coworkers quit, leading to a mass exodus over the course of the year. I'm so proud of my coworkers for pursuing new positions and getting out of this poorly run organization. My visa renewal application also began in January and was approved a few weeks ago, meaning i can stay in the country until 2025! And my employer has agreed to sponsor my green card app, after which I too am outta this place. I've learned a lot about distancing myself from work when the situation is so far from ideal. I also opened up to my closest coworkers about being queer, my history with sexual assault, and what had happened with our coworker in December (which continued into January), and we came up with a safety plan, plus i felt a lot closer to them.

in March i was still really struggling and my therapist recommended medication. I got a wonderful psychiatrist who gently introduced me to the appropriate drugs, not so gently introduced me to the pathological understanding of my mental illnesses. The first week I was on meds my best friend from undergrad came to visit for a week and we saw Tame Impala, which was incredible. Plus did a whole bunch of other fun stuff. I hadn't seen her since like... 2018? Despite the side effects of meds, being upset over my clinical evaluation, and overwhelmed at getting back into like going out in public and doing things, being able to wake up without immediately feeling suicidal was a huge relief.

April I went to Philadelphia TWICE in two weeks. Once to cheer J on in a half marathon and then with my coworker to a conference and sightseeing. I had really wonderful visits and can't believe I had never visited before then!!!

In May, my best friend from grad school and I rode the five boro bike tour. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to ride across the Tappan Zee Bridge and back, which is over 100km (aka a century ride) from my house. This was supposed to be one of my big rides to gear up for the century. This ride was not as fun as 2021, there were so many people and dangerous casual riders on the route, then we spent four and a half hours trying to get home cause the ferries we're overwhelmed. I had fun with my friend but I'm not so sure about next year.

In June i visited J's beach house after a gruelling exhibition schedule through May and June. i had a lovely time until i had a meltdown on the third day. I went to the beach in a binder for the first time and decided to just wear my board shorts instead of taking them off to swim, which was nice. J and our other friend began using they/them pronouns and my nicknames L and LG when they were talking with me in person, and it was super heartwarming and exciting to experience. It made me feel very special.

In July, i had my first appointment for HRT. They prescribed me testosterone right away, but it took around a month to get a response from my insurance, which denied the claim. I was crazy busy at work from August to the end of September and things really fell apart for me. I hired C as my freelancer to help on the exhibition be sure now there was so more staff left, which went really well. However, i stopped taking my meds and all of my good habits fell to the wayside.

In August i went back to Canada to photograph my uncle's wedding WITH COVID. My mum insisted that i travel even though I was sick and then didn't let me stay home for the wedding, because they had asked me to photograph it. It was really uncomfortable, but they were happy i got their wedding photos. Although, i still have not found time to edit and send them. Ugh.

In September i completed a 75 mile (100+ km) ride, meeting my goal of doing a century, but it wasn't to the bridge! i did it alone and it made me super depressed during and after the ride. I'm still evaluating what i want my relationship with cycling to be now, cause long rides by myself aren't really conducive to good feelings for me rn.

when the show at work opened in October, i went to J's parents' house for a Canadian thanksgiving/harvest feast weekend, met their dog, sister, and parents, and had ANOTHER meltdown. They told me they were dating someone--and it was incredibly upsetting, but i didn't know how to bring up my feelings about this. After my month off meds, i was a mess again. After this weekend though, i opened up to many more people because I felt like I needed to extend my support network.

I came out as trans to all my friends and close coworkers (mostly now former coworkers) in the city, let them know I use gender neutral pronouns, that I enjoy my nicknames, and that I was beginning HRT. I went to the pharmacy and got my prescription filled even though I had to pay out of pocket. I started testosterone on October 14th!! I cannot overstate how incredibly important this was to me. It felt like the most meaningful thing I've done for myself in my life. Coming out to people who i knew were safe helped me feel closer to them, and almost everyone was amazingly supportive about hrt.

In October i ALSO officiated my best friends' wedding. It was incredible, and really one of the best days of my life. Everyone in attendance was lovely. My speech and their vows went swimmingly. Everyone had so much fun and enjoyed ourselves into the early hours of the morning. My friends have the most wonderful community of people around them and I'm so glad I'm a part of their lives.

In November I got a new psychiatrist after my old one left the practice. She's ok, and urged me to get a primary care doc to begin keeping track of my blood work, so I'm building momentum for care in the new year. I scheduled an appt with a PCP at a queer-focused clinic in January. after a real scheduling snafu i got a follow up appointment for HRT in mid-December. I ended up missing two weeks of T because of this, which triggered a massive horrible period the day after my birthday. I missed two days of birthday celebrations, but the night out i did have with friends was pretty fun. Idk, i have mixed feelings about it.

things came to a head with J a couple weeks ago where they asked if I had romantic feelings for them, and when i affirmed that, they rejected me before i could say i didn't want to discuss it cause I couldn't handle the rejection in a healthy way. We haven't spoken since and I've been in a pretty bad place despite sticking to meds. However, I've been working through this stuff with my therapist since the incident in October and idk... learning about how fucked up i am is tough. I'm really sad about it all and still figuring out how to move forward.

I also tried to go to Canada for Christmas and couldn't because of the blizzard in buffalo, so I spent the holidays in my house again. at least my mum wasn't here this time.

I've been a little suicidal over the last couple of weeks even though I'm on meds, and only skipped a day recently. I skipped a few days right after the stuff with J happened and ended up going into withdrawal pretty bad, so I learned that lesson. So idk. I'm still trying to muddle through.

To end on a positive note, this morning i noticed that the hair around my belly button, the kind that like makes you the line down the centre of your torso, is getting darker. I feel a little bit scared but also excited. I love a lil bit of tummy fuzz and find it endearing that i can have some for myself. I've also gotten a bit more muscular just from the furniture lifting I do at work, and a few weeks ago I did planks for the first time without any shoulder pain since I injured it in 2012. I've picked a gym in my neighborhood to sign up for when i can get motivated to leave the house and return to strength training. One of the best things about being on T so far has been that it has virtually erased my chronic low body temp and reynauds symptoms, and is supposed to help alleviate my anemia, easy bruising, and PMS/PMDD (which have all been weakened but not yet eliminated). Like all this shit I've been told just sucks and I have to deal with is just disappearing. So eventually i can just be like, a person without symptoms of these conditions?!

Also, Fred and George are sliving. I found shelves on the street for them to climb way up high, and I started feeding the birds and squirrels from the windowsill. They love bouncing around the room and watching the backyard happenings.

I'm not sure I'm hopeful about the future yet cause things are still really hard, but I'm at least learning how to begin living on my own terms.

Fred

George

[knowyourbmovieactors]

OCTOBER HORROR MOVIES (DVD EDITION) #4

SHUTTER

OCTOBER HORROR MOVIES (DVD EDITION) #4 SHUTTER

After the success of "The Ring" and "The Grudge", movie producers were desperate to secure the rights to that next great Japanese vengeful ghost story that they could thoroughly water down with an American remake. One set of producers snapped up the 2004 film "Shutter", which had been a number one box office smash in its home country… of Thailand. OK, so it's not a Japanese original, but we're pretty confident an American audience won't notice the subtle cultural differences as long as it's set in America and features nothing but pretty blonde people. But, you know what? Let's get Masayuki Ochiai on board to direct. With a Japanese director known in his own country for doing spooky supernatural stuff, that should at least give it that good ol' "Ringu" flavor, right? What's that? He wants to cast Megumi Okina from "Ju-On" (the original Japanese version of "The Grudge"). OK, I guess that's doable. The rest of the cast can still be a bunch of pretty Americans doing all their vengeful ghost stuff in America… What's that? He's not comfortable shooting in America, because he doesn't speak English very well? Um…

And that, friends, is how we get the 2008 version of "Shutter": an American adaptation of a Thai film shot in Japan. (And what the hell, let's cast a Tasmanian actor in one of the leads while we're at it.) The world is now truly flat.

The resulting film is OK, if a little too long. It's a pretty standard vengeful ghost story, in the tradition of "The Ring" and "The Grudge". In this case, the twist is that the aforementioned vengeful ghost lets its presence be known through the medium of spirit photography, i.e. blurry white marks on photos that could have just as easily been caused by any number of picture-taking mistakes, but which people immediately attribute to ghosts. In our story, the newlywed American couple relocates to Japan. Husband is a professional photographer who got a high profile job through a couple of old buddies who work over there. Wife is wife. We get one line where she mentions she's certified to teach 6th grade English, but other than that we get no hint that she has any kind of job or identity outside of her husband. He has previously worked in Japan and speaks the language. She has not and does not.

It's actually a pretty good metaphor for a woman trapped in an abusive relationship. She's been cut off from her friends and family. The only information she can get from her surroundings has to be filtered through her husband. His old buddies in Japan are douchey frat-bro expats from America, and you get the hint that he used to behave just like them. Between the way the camera frames his interactions with every pretty woman in his vicinity and the fact that all his photo shoots seem to revolve around Western fetishized depictions of Japanese women, it paints the picture of a guy who's got more than a few little Asian fantasies dancing around in his head that she wasn't aware of. She has no job, no friends, and no way to way to support herself aside from this guy who is hanging out more and more red flags every day.

And of course, there's the ghost that's stalking them through photographs. As the supernatural stuff becomes increasingly difficult to ignore or explain away, Mr. Photographer Husband is forced to dribble out more and more information about his past, none of which looks very good for him. The ghost wriggles her way through the scene, pale faced, with long, lanky black hair, in scenes very reminiscent of "Ringu" and "Ju-On". The dirtbag bros get their comeuppance, the wife is freed, and the ghost--while not exactly put to rest--gets what she wants. It's alright. By the time "Shutter" was released in 2008, the novelty of this particular sub-genre had worn off in America, and the movie doesn't really up the ante in any way. Still, a decently solid film.

THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE DVD EXTRAS This DVD that I bought (the "UNRATED DIRECTOR'S CUT EDITION") has almost as much in special features as it does in actual movie. There was no way I was going to watch all of them, but here are some highlights: -In the "Inside the Lens" featurette, a lot of non-Japanese people talk very confidently about how Japanese ghosts are different from Western ghosts. (There is one short clip of a Japanese "expert" in spirit photography who seems, frankly, quite bored) Very few of them mention the fact that this is actually adapted from a Thai movie. -There is a short feature about the history of spirit photography, which is absolutely riddled with factual errors; not least of which being their failure to mention that the first guy to "discover" spirit photography was very publicly outed as a fraudster. -Immediately after the short telling you how spirit photographs are totally real, there is another short that teaches you how to fake one with Photoshop. Both of these shorts are narrated by the same guy.

[pwblogarchive]

October 2005

October 5, 2005

there is no beef. just seitan. just getting rattled over nothing. get down with the sickness.

just too much make up and no hearts just egos on the sleeves over here in fall out boy land.

the new panic record hypes itself, so i will shut my damn mouth.

"a kid who tells on another kid is a dead kid".

- petey

October 7, 2005

wow. now way too many updates. i wanted to apologize to everyone at the 9:30 club show in d.c. originally we were supposed to play a show called "shantytown" but the county it was supposed to take place in said that it couldn't happen at the last minute- due to noise regulations or something- we were not given that information. so instead, immediatly following the 9:30 club show we rushed over to a studio and played a small show we had promised we would do. we are sorry to skip out on anyone waiting outside.

some things that dont get enough attention or thanks, so google them:

plain white t's

lifetime (the band we would not exist without)

jason tate

equal studio

the stereo

armor for sleep

rob dobi

fueled by ramen

skyriter

rob hitt

keep on loving/hating.

fob

- petey

October 7, 2005

back on the saddle. i am not crazy or dead or whatever i keep being imed. i am super happy with this tour. been haning with panic at the disco a ton. me and patrick have been writing a bunch of new songs already. the first song we have written so far is called: "you can't spell star without A & R". the band has gotten really tight as friends again. joe is playing video games until his eyes fall out. patrick sits in the back and makes weird smells and amazing songs. andrew hurley is attatched to his sidekickm, i don't think he can breathe without it. and i am just watching it all go down. our bus driver got us a bunch of new bootleg movies. so we watched flightplan. my review would be: dont watch this movie ever. all the otherbands on this tour have been so good to hang out with------ me and nick are working on a new website thats gonna make your little brains get all warm and fuzzy if we put it together right. i haven't updated in forever. so i just want to thank you for always sticking around. and by you- i mean anyone who still even bothers looking around this site or letting us hit your bedroom speakers.

you couldn't be wrong. because i dreamt you alive.

i was just thinking about the summer. and my favorite moment was playing the gorge in washington- cool after dark. just past the bruised sky. you singing the words. a phone call home to the best. forever.

on the message board leave a thread about your favorite moment of the summer.

truefuckinglove

October 11, 2005

just cause you can.

take your shyness pills.

put it all on the line.

every single time.

just when you thought i couldn't get anymore flamboyant.

i got a new vest and some shoes with teddy bears on them.

yikes.

new october fall songs are gonna suprise you.

wait for it. wait for it.

- petey

10/11/05 Q&A

question

Peter, i think you need to have more respect for the other members of the band, like Patrick, i dont think he smells…and fob would be no where without him, or the rest of the guys! so please dont talk about him like that, it makes my heart hurt! thanks, love you guys!

answer

hahahaha. if you knew patrick you wouldnt say that. that kid is my best friend but not cause he smells like roses. cause he is just the best. dont worry about it. we’ll be friends long after this thing is over.

question

Pete, would you and Patrick be friends if Fall Out Boy never existed?

answer

we would have to be friends. cause i dreamt him.

October 12, 2005

new york city you are so amazing. jay z. william beckett. unreal. i will do a real update later.

i want to let you in on a secret, we are having a decaydance showcase wednesday night.

panic at the disco is playing tonight at the knitting factory with labelmates in octoberfall-

early show. there are still tickets left.

come dance yourself to life.

peter

October 15, 2005

happy sweetest day.

tour is pretty much the only place i feel at home.

for your pretty eyes:

dirty, korean tom cruise and me crash jay-z's 40/40 club

put your ideas in our body, put your body in our ideas: clandestine.buzznet.com

you're nobody until somebody loves you, at least that's half true.

xo

October 19, 2005

how much do we love you for making us number one on TRL. i don't even know what to say --- we always say it - but i feel like we dont say it enough.

people asked about the shirts we were wearing on fuse and trl - we got them up pretty cheap over at friendsorenemies.com - also there is a little video from the hush sound over there to introduce you to our silly little friends.

you love me but you don't even like me.

forget what you heard. brains are sexy.

October 24, 2005

Sunlight. Like the end of the world. In flashes but not mellow. We swim in schools. Down to the bottom. Down forever. I'm always clearing my throat but I've never got a thing to say. The opposite of a fever. The opposite of perfection. It's only you when I go to sleep and when I wake up...

I know that's a strange way of telling you that I know I'm supposed to love you.

I love this tour. Keep s(w)inging.

October 24, 2005

if you are coming to the irvine show on halloween, we expect you to be dressed up. we will be. and we will be having some contests and what not during intermission.

also, check out the new decaydance myspace at myspace.com/decaydancerecords. it's run by our friend adam from fueled by ramen (who also takes care of our myspace page at myspace.com/falloutboy). adam is the programmer who controls the robots in fall out boy's brain. obey him, because we do.

October 24, 2005

its funny the way you grovel when there are no microphones or camera flashes in sight. - take a stand. it makes me laugh. dot coms refresh for the drama.

- petey

[onceandfutureoshainspector]

- sneaking my way through the Vault, picking off the resident Gunners as i go. there are a Lot of skeletons holding narcotics lying around...

- found a place called the Vault 95 Detox Facility, which was locked up tight enough that i think it might have been intended as the end of the Vault whoops (emphasis on "was"). this seems like such an unquestionably helpful thing that it's giving me a really nasty feeling...

---- revised theory: Vault-Tec was experimenting with something to do with drugs, and using the Detox Facility to bring people back from the brink.

-------- maybe this was like their test subject reset machine - load up a patient with experimental superdrugs, do a bunch of tests, then wring 'em out so you can try a different batch on them tomorrow? this would be uncharacteristically frugal of Vault-Tec, the company that tended to treat human lives like disposable napkins, but it's a possibility.

-------- maybe they were trying to create a cure-all for toxins, poison the shit out of people and then try to bring them back from the brink, like a mirror to Vault 81's disease-oriented line of inquiry?

-------- knowing Vault-Tec, maybe they were even trying to create the reverse, a drug so addictive that its effects couldn't be washed away even by the most space-age of technology. after all, if they were trying to make the perfect super soldiers, they'd need a way to control them.

- explored a bit more, found more skeletons who apparently died of drug use. the drugs all seem to be regular inhalers of Jet and shit, not superdrugs (or more super than regular drugs in this game).

---- maybe the test subjects got addicted to Super-*insert drug here*, but got hung out to dry when it ran out/got destroyed/whatever, and the regular stuff wasn't enough to keep them alive?

- this... looks unsettlingly familiar...

Vault 95 Overseer Manifest The Overseer of Vault 95 is an elected individual chosen to run the daily meetings and ensure the other residents adhere to the rules of the Vault-Tec Rehabilitation Program. This is not to be considered a position of power, but rather a position of support and servitude. Infractions are to be dealt with using positive reinforcement and encouragement. The residents of Vault 95 are family, and share the same path. The position of Overseer should not prevent a resident from continuing their own personal journey. An election will be held once a year on October 30th. Residents are encouraged to inform their decision based on awarded merit points as laid out in the program guidelines.

- what the fuck is going on here. this is way too above-board for Vault-Tec, even before considering all the bodies. there's another shoe here somewhere, and i don't think i'm gonna like it.

Meeting Date: 10/23/2082 Overseer/Facilitator: Jane Meyers Format: Guided Discussion Discussion Topic: The usefulness of continued meetings *Resident Michael has expressed his desire to reduce the amount of meetings. **He believes chem dependence is no longer an issue. *Resident Randall reminded the group that adherence to The Program was a condition of living in the Vault. *Resident Patricia wondered if Vault Tec even existed any more. *Resident Randall reminded the group that we are all addicts. **We may pick up unhealthy habits without the Program. *I expressed agreement with Randall's sentiments. *Issue was put to vote. Vote to continue the Program was unanimous.

- usually the Overseer's Terminal holds at least some kind of clue as to what the hell went wrong, but this sounds... honestly, pretty great, considering the circumstances. five years into the apocalypse, and the support structures were still holding up. which begs the question: what the hell went wrong so quickly that nobody even made a note of it?.

[the-firebird69]

These two want to sit here no matter what so we got to break them out of here and yeah they're pigs they need to leave and I started working this morning we need more people on it right now and I'm sending the order out

-we have a few more things to say when is I say that I'm sending the order out I'm sending it internally and I am and people should check yes we have a few more things happening this town is coming apart these people are following these warlock these households are very weak like I said there's like 35% of the $120 left that are in and out and the rest are kind of staying here off and on 4 days a week at least and they're terrible people they need to leave they're a bunch of homos and losers and know nothing and they suck his leaders I don't want them near our son they're recent performances proving that they have to get out and we don't want to spend any more time and then they're complete failures right now we started and we're going to juice them and juice them and take their territory right now I started taking all sorts of bases that are near them and we can hear them cackling and same dumb s*** and they're going to attack and we're going to wipe them out and take their territory right on top of them I'm going to put a wall there like a half mile high and just keep rolling it in so sick of them dumb assholes and really so angry with them it's the way to do it we're moving out pretty soon to do these things we can take our son and daughter because they gave us the go ahead and the gumption on this line item and we needed it badly it says you we shouldn't take it from these people at all and we need to do that hopscotch stuff.

-some projects are actually coming to fruition and took a long time to prep them in a long time to get them there and a lot of design work and we should be appreciated for it but it's not happening yet and we do need soldiers and troops and spies infiltrators and more and we need kju and the key thing it has not happened yet the keys are being fought over in the United Kingdom and pretty hard but they have not gotten in there and have not taken them out and he suggesting that maybe the submarine came over and took the keys maybe that's what the movie is all about Greyhound and we're going to look into that because the keys come out they go to Korea and they go underwater and then come back out and they go to Russia you think because of Red October and it goes up to me area in Nova Scotia and that's where that submarine is under the sheet it's nearby so it makes a lot of sense and it makes sense that submarines are fighting and they eliminate a force that would have messed them up and they go over to the UK we think they get the keys I'm not sure what they do with them you know what the key is operated once a base to Italy they get stuck there but the king puts it in his crown and that's how the ultimately get to Italy from where and how they do that is not well known but we do have part of it but the part that's curious is if Greyhound gets the keys what do they bring them to and she says they somehow go to Korea and probably a board the very summary that they modify which is in Korea can actually leave there and I started laughing and said I wonder what the deal is so he might get the keys and they might be showing him on the return trip and he gets held up for the keys and he has to hand them over and the movie might start from there and this is greatness what's what's happening here and that starts with the rivers and the bones and the crabs so we're going to watch the crap and the two rivers and he wants me to get that s*** out of there and clean my room but he's trying to push for it but I kind of screwed around with him about their stuff this morning cuz it's just sitting on it and that's what's needed with them

Thor Freya

Zues

Yeah just roll out of bed and make it happen well using Fame and other stuff and it works and we do need to line it up and it does work and some people think it makes safe but I think it makes it annoying but this is great I've never seen anything worthless slick and he's right it kind of started with Barbie and we were getting these kids out and I have a kid now has all the accessories for the Barbie cars each one and it also you can buy the paint and you can buy the clothing and three different things and if you can lump them together and we can ship them at a reduced cost or no cost if you order all three it's no cost but the kit has a lot of stuff in it it has emblems for Barbie that are on the actual Barbie car and it has stuff that you have to do to the car to make it look the same and I'm putting it online and we have a whole bunch of other things too but we are selling a Rolls-Royce kit car and it's going to go on a couple different chassis we sell the chassis as well and a lot of people buy it because there's no chance he's out there but with rolls Royce some people might use a different chassis even Rolls-Royce chassis we're selling them now they were using cover and a lot of people other than us were selling them and that's the cover it's going great

Hera

[puutterings]

meanwhile, a study of Rocks in Sepia

        Yesterday morning I took my first painting-lesson, and lor! it is very funy. Professor Hummel is very much, to look at, like Dr. Hedge; and he has his “Atelier,” as he calls it, all about in two little parlours. When I went in, so found I two ladies puttering away, and a gentleman with his neatly prepared drawing-board painting... The Professor had got me a table and copy all fixed out, and I sate down to copy a study of Rocks in Sepia. Alas, dear Herst! this man’s method is totally different, and so old-fashioned and arrière! To copy every darned line in pencil before the colour!! To Miss Lucretia P. Hale / Frau Biber’s Erfurte-strasse, Tuesday evening, December 3, 1872 100 : link

      Meanwhile, Tilton has kept me the whole winter puttering over the decorating book, which is now really going to press at once; he will pay me twenty-five dollars more, which makes a hundred... To Miss Ellen Day Hale / Boston, February 20, 1885 144 : link

...But good old Franklin came every day afterwards, and made the fire mornings, and stayed round, and I called in Oliver, who dined with Franklin and stayed afterwards to help him wash up. ’Twas a sight to see the two old darkies clumsily puttering away with the mops and towels. Oh! those mornings! to wake up in doubt of any help — cold as Greenland — my bath at six, — then down to a cold kitchen, the faithful Franklin appearing just as I gave him up, — then making myself the coffee, sweeping the red room, in a royal clutter, with Phil., his cigarettes, the constant fire, newspapers all scattered round, — set the table, back to kitchen to fry sausages and potatoes and make toast, boil milk, skim the cream, put away the milk, keep neat the refrigerator, fetch Phil.’s waterpail, and cheer him in bed with news from the front... To Miss Lucretia P. Hale / Matunuck, Rhode Island, October 2, 1893 284 : link

      Such a delicious drive, and you with me (unawares) through country roads, and every tree just flushed with sheen, the first minute of real spring-time, poplars and willows and oaks and sycamores and maples with hanging things, and ladies stepping out of green fields with great bunches of red flowers, and a river with clear water sparkling over stones, and the earth smelling newly ploughed, and the lawn-cutters making hay smells, and the Golf Club, and caddies caddying and putters puttering and toads toadying and Dukes and Princes and Counts counting, and the Grand Duke of Russia and sa femme in a carriage, and the blue sea sparkling, and the Jardin Publique with music, and little boys drawn in carts, and donkeys with side-saddles, and English women holding up their petticoats to the skin, and fish shining in the fish-markets, and small boats everywhere, and Britannia ruling the waves. Hurry up and come before it is all gone by. To Mrs. William G. Weld / Cannes, March 24, 1897 315 : link

all ex Susan Hale, Letters of. Edited by Caroline P. Atkinson; introduction by Edward E. Hale. (Boston, 1919) LC copy (among others) at hathitrust link

note, and observation

144 this would be Susan Hale, her Self-instructive lessons in painting with oil and water-colors : on silk, satin, velvet and other fabrics : including lustra painting and the use of other mediums (Boston: S. W. Tilton Co., 1885) : link (Getty copy) same, via archive.org : link Introduction : Art and Taste...

a search for “puttering” + “author:hale” was prompted by a Library of America announcement — “Wickedly Smart”: Honoring Nancy Hale at 115 — of the imminent republication of two Hale titles — The Prodigal Women (1942) and Where the Light Falls (a collection of short fiction). Hale, winner of ten O. Henry Awards and a frequent contributor to The New Yorker — I’d never heard of her; but it may have been something about the name...

Nancy Hale (1908-1988) wikipedia : link daughter of Philip Leslie Hale (1865-1931) and Lilian Westcott Hale (1880-1963), both painters — he once engaged with Ethel Reed (1874-1912 *) — and both honored with their repective wikipedia pages : link and link and he (Philip Leslie) the son of Edward Everett Hale (1822-1909), author, historian and Unitarian Minister wikipedia : link

and Susan?

Susan Hale (1833-1910) was author, traveler, artist, and Edward Everett’s sister, keeper of his summer house in Matunuck, Rhode Island. wikipedia : link

I don’t know what to make or do with any of this, but will look further into Nancy Hale, and think about this accomplished-cum-privileged white Boston Brahmin-ean family, and Edward Everett’s erased-by-the-family relationship with Harriet Elizabeth Freeman (1847-1930), a remarkable botanist/geologist/conservationist in her own right wikipedia : link

an overall sense of the Hale family can be gotten from the finding aid to the Hale Family Papers (1797-1988), held at Smith College : SSC-MS-00071 : link  

[dianight]

Half a year

There was supposed to be a check up at around 6 months, with my endo. Due to scheduling issues at the hospital the earliest they got is in january unless they call me with a new one (which they haven't). My bloodwork was supposed to be "early october" so I could theoretically have it right before the appointment. I called the hospital to figure out if I should go for it or wait. Spent 10 minutes waiting for the secretary to pick up and she could not tell me what to do in another 10 minutes so eventually I hung up. Had to do breathing exercises to not rage, decided that I'll go get stabbed by a needle and if I have to do it again in a few months (which I have to anyway, for something else) I'll do it. Whatever.

There was a poll a while back, I was going to look for it but I can't be bothered, that asked something along the lines of "what was the general reaction when you came out", something like that. It was surprising, in the painful kind of way, to find out that I was in the 1-2% that had an exclusively negative one. Not a single person has had anything good to say about me being trans. Whatever.

There was a time when my friends and I would play videogames, board games, card games, hang out, go visit random places and generally do stuff together. I also ignored the general transphobia and other bigotry that they would drop here and there as jokes. For way too long. Trying to talk things out got me ignored to the point where I stopped getting invited to anything. Don't think I've talked to any of them in more than a year. Whatever.

There was a friend who killed herself almost a year ago. I used to wonder why, how can someone get to that point. My sister had a scare a really long time ago, I was a kid still and didn't understand. The random xenophobia/racism that I've experienced/witnessed happen always seemed so absurd to me, so silly in a way, but being aware of how overwhelming, generalized and mundane transphobia is has taught me how bad it can be. I no longer wonder why or how it gets to that point. Whatever.

There was this job I had for a few years as a waitress, among other hats, as they say. It was a big place and there were a few hundred employees in different departments. I knew every single person I worked with semidirectly by name, and a bunch from other restaurants, or housekeeping, or drivers, or gatehouse duty, or whatever else. Even after I stopped working there I would occasionally chat with others who still worked there and ask them about so and so. I could perfectly picture their faces and recall their names so easily. I can no longer do that. The person I was at that time seems alien to me now. Whatever.

There were so many fun things to do before. I could eat anything, no longer the case. I could play sports, which I loved doing and now I'd be in pain for days if I tried. I could drink, which at the right time and place was great. Now when I want to get drunk I can't. I could play whatever or go wherever with friends, who didn't seem to feel at least a bit bad about abandoning me. Whatever.

There was a time when I didn't know what trans people were. I probably learned about it during university, like the fact that it was not only a porn/magical transformation thing and "regular" (neutral) people could be trans, me included. Shame about getting kicked out and having to move and not having a place for weeks and then having to work for years to have the minimum sense that not everything is going to crumble again. If only that went a bit differently perhaps I could have researched a bit more and decide to medically transition earlier. I will never forgive, and if the occasion ever presents itself... But no matter, I lived and moved on. Whatever.

There was a point, after covid restrictions were loosened and I finally sorted some other conditions that afflict me, where I started reading about diy hrt since I had no hope of getting any by the intended means. I did put it off for a long time, on account of my other conditions making my life very hard, no info whatsoever about how to transition as an adult (all I could find was aimed at teens) and, can't say this too loudly, me being a coward. But I was brave, and I made the necessary appointments and I put my scariest face on to intimidate my doctor. I will forever remember when he started asking "Don't you think, at your age-" and I just frowned at him ready to rip his head off if he ever finished that sentence. One of those Disco Elysium composture checks. Forcing him to find out exactly what he/I had to do in order to get hormones. And then doing the same with an endo, I was led into the room and there was the doctor and another 3 nurses(?)/doctors(??)/students(!!!) all looking at me and I remember thinking "so it's going to be like this" and metaphorically killing the part of me that feels scared. I had waited too long and I was too close, not now. And having to word everything so carefully because I'd read and been told all about the horror stories with doctors and other medical professionals being dismissive and difficult. And being so surprised that it actually went so well that it hit me later and I was trying not to shake from pure relief. And then, exactly 6 months ago after going to the pharmacy and having to go back later because they didn't have the antiandrogens and then at night staring at the pills and thinking "is this how is going to be from now on" and being happy that the answer was yes. A lot of bad things have been happening to me in the past..., I'm not sure, my entire life. But at least this has worked out, even if I've lost a lot along the way.

There was a time when I cared about other people. But I've been shown only hatred at worst or indifference at best, and now I'm simply incapable of caring about others. There are still things I want/need to do regarding transition and it's clear to me that no one is willing to help. I am a genuinely cold, cruel and uncaring person now, maybe I was before but now I'm glad that I am. It would have been so much worse if I still cared.

This is probably the last "update" of this sort that I'll ever do. One day I'll have the life I want and be vindicated for all the choices I've made and all I've endured.

1 month (long, TMI as they say)

So I was planning on making a list of changes, sort of, stuff I've noticed but when I try to put it into words it gets quite difficult. Anyway. In no particular order and with the caveat that it might be placebo or simply something that I've never paid attention to or some other unrelated factor:

My hair looks nicer? It used to get tangled pretty often, now I simply get the drill hair curls unless I comb it a bit. Do I notice less hair falling overall? Maybe(?), I still get some loose ones on my hair ties or in the shower. But I feel like (<- feel like) it's less now. Not quite how I'd like it yet but better (<- even if not a thing still feels nicer).

I was genuinely looking forward to having an easier time crying, no luck yet. What emotional changes I've gotten are "villainess behaviors" instead which if I were to elaborate is an incredibly difficult time containing myself when someone antagonizes me in any way. As an example I had a celebration (not mine) recently and some relative said something passive agressive to me, I wanted to just ignore instead I found myself laughing in their face and telling them to mind their business (<- less nice than that). Other minor "I should not let this matter to me" stuff feeding the urge to be cruel. I'm fine but it's funny in a way since it's harder to be nice when people are assholes.

Shaving is much much worse and a bit better now. It used to be something that if I ignored/forgot about for a while it'd not matter, now I had a moment where I couldn't sleep and had to go shave at 2am due to how bad it was making me feel. It does feel nicer now, but only for a while.

Less smell? It's summer, it's hot, I'm not particularly sweaty and yet. It's too big of a change to be something I'm imagining. Weird, in a really nice way.

[I lost track so I check the table for reference to see what else.]

Oh yeah. Big changes happening (<- exaggeration). My nipples randomly get sore, one of them is sore all the time! No noticeable size changes though. Way more sensitive to the point of almost being painful (<- in a good way). Actually concerning. I could talk more about it but perhaps not right now.

Body hair is all the same(?), no differences on skin softness/oiliness. My skin condition remains the same.

Body fat redistribution and pelvis changes seems to not be happening yet. My hips are massive anyway and the dimples in my lower back have always been there (<- bragging).

Decreased muscle and strength. Yeah, not from E I can tell you. It's more the disability and the injuries.

This one is kinda funny. "Changes in mood, emotionality, and behavior". It could be. It could also be the sheer relief of getting something I've been trying to get for 8(9?) years, while being able to focus on other stuff that was simply asking too much of me. I'm biased obviously but apart from the slightly stronger urges it's mostly the same.

Sex drive and all that stuff. Let's just say expected changes. Shooting blanks now, which is amusing. No morning wood. You know the drill. I know there can be atrophy if you don't use it and I'll gladly let that thing rot, but. Let's think about how it might be necessary later on. Bear with it for now.

Another interesting one that comes with those emotional changes is how little I care now about certain things, sexually speaking. And how some others will instantly fill a metaphorical bar until it says !!! MADNESS !!! out of nowhere. Case in point, that drawing about the two girls playing the rhythm game(?) while one holds the other's leash. Yeah funny mental image. Somehow it got stuck in my brain for a couple days. Wait what. I'm also much more picky about what types of works I read. It all just seems so boring now. Seen that setup before, that one's got very bad art, that one is too misogynistic, that one is just uninspired.

Anyway I could type more about how it feels different now but words fail me a bit and I think that's enough for now.

[bomberqueen17]

soffits

Spent this weekend working on my not-so-tiny house. Actually we spent Friday morning too. So, Friday morning, Saturday morning to early afternoon, and then Sunday all day. Our goal was to do all of the rest of the exterior structural shit that supports the roofs. The roof is designed to overhang about a foot on all sides of the cabin, and there’s structural stuff underneath all of that-- soffits and like, extra little rafter things, and whatnot. The house is designed to be insulated, and for that you need ventilation. So there’s a bunch of shit along the long sides of the house that builds out from the wall, and as part of that you wrap a bit of fiberglass screen up around the tail ends of the rafters of the roof, and staple that down and then nail a couple thin battens of wood down to hold the screen-- and then there’s like an inch air gap there, for air to flow up over the insulation just under the surface of the roof. The plans don’t call for a vent at the top, but you do need one; a visitor to the farm who’s a professional housebuilder explained that to us, so we’ve got that added on to the high-stakes roofing thing that’s got to happen: the first step of putting on the roof is going to have to be cutting open the roofing underlayment at the peak, which means the roof will not be waterproof in the slightest for the duration of the work. So once we start we can’t stop. (We may also need to remove a board right at the peak; you want just the metal ridgecap there. The plans really don’t mention it at all, so now we’re wondering if we have to go along that peak and staple another strip of screen down, or if we’re just meant to let squirrels do what they want up there.)

Anyway-- cut for some photos, but the upshot is that by 5:30pm yesterday we had managed to do all of it, even the shadow trim, which I just think is a hilarious concept. (It’s really just an extra bit of surface to nail into when attaching roof, but the concept of The Shadow Trim really amused me.) So now the house is ready for the roof. Which is going to take some doing. So we’ve booked a crew of five (mostly ourselves), for October 16th, so if everyone could like, pray for no rain that day, that would be fuckin sweet.

stapling up the screen-- BIL on a ladder with a staple gun up against the north wall of the cabin

where we’re at now, which doesn’t look like a ton different but it was so much work. maybe you can see the fly rafters there, at this near end-- that’s not a bit the underlayment is exposing, that’s a bit that we built out from the edge of the house. so. there it is. [image description: a cabin sitting in some woods, with a ladder leaned against the front; it’s all wood on most of its surfaces, and there are lines of wooden trim all around the edges of the surface that’s going to be the roof.]

[teklarn]

𝕨𝕙𝕪 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕘𝕒𝕚𝕟? - 𝕕. 𝕜𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕣𝕚

character(s): denki kaminari x gn!reader (ft. katsuki bakugou, eijirou kirishima, izuku midoriya, hanta sero, mina ashido) 

- 𝕙𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕠𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

a/n: yall this was SO MUCH fun to write EHJWHEJWE (pls excuse any typos!!) check out my other holiday masterlists listed at the bottom! 

 summary:  “why are you calling this number again?” “because you’re the ghostbusters!” 

genre: humor, (part of the holiday masterlists) 

warnings: light cussing, ghosts lmao, denki being an idiot, oujia boards (does this need a warning? idk), denki is also a scaredy cat lmfao never thought i’d put scaredy in a fic but ok 

happy halloween!! 

word count: 2247

REBLOGS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!

holiday masterlists listed at the bottom !

- - - 

mina slammed the phone down. “does it have to be like this every year on halloween?” 

“they’re just mocking what we do, aren’t they?” kirishima buttoned up his jumpsuit, lugging his proton pack over his back. 

“probably,” mina replied. she rubbed her forehead. “nobody believes what we do.”

 bakugou rocked himself back and forth on a rolling chair, boots up on the control panel, jumpsuit half-open across his chest revealing a white undershirt. “who cares if they don’t believe anything. we’re the ones saving their damn lives from ghosts.”

the phone rang again. mina groaned, pushing it to her ear. “ghostbusters. what’s your paranormal emergency?” 

kirishima snickered at the opening. 

there was silence, only the blabbering on the next line. “sero?” mina exclaimed. “sero, sero slow down.”

kirishima and bakugou turned in unison to face their pink-haired friend. “is it bad? what’s going on?” 

the words were too fast and quiet to hear from where they were standing. “All right, all right, i’ll send...what do you mean you need all of us? someone has to stay back! ...sero that's not-” the line beeped dead. 

mina turned to her friend, eyes shaking. “sero called for backup, and then it just..”

bakugou took mina’s jumpsuit off its hook and shoved it at her, swinging his proton pack over his back. “kirishima, you take the mission you’re on now. once you’re done, meet us where sero is, got it?” 

kirishima nodded. “got it. i’ll be done soon.” 

mina and bakugou raced down, following one another down the fireman pole. kirishima followed them after, boots landing with a slap against the cement. the engine of their car started, siren already blaring when kirishima took his seat in the back. 

bakugou was in shotgun. mina twisted the key once more and felt the car rumble to life. the garage opened and they raced out, nearly hitting a group of teens going trick-or-treat. - denki stepped out of the washroom, whistling softly to himself to find the room empty. the only sound was the buzzing of electricity flowing through the control panel and the constant ringing of the phone. 

mina wasn’t at the receptionist desk. bakugou wasn’t monitoring the cameras. kirishima wasn’t by the pinball machine. it was halloween night! the most hectic time for all of them.  

sero was already on a mission with midoriya, so he didn’t expect to see them, but where were his other three teammates? 

denki wandered off to the receptionist desk and picked up the vibrating yellow phone. “hello?” he said dryly. 

“you have to help! there’s a bunch of-” 

denki hung up. just a minute later, the phone started ringing vigorously again.

“why did you hang up? i said-” 

“if you have an emergency, take it up with the police. we’re the ghostbusters.”

“yes! that-” denki was not in the mood for pranks. they always got too many over the halloween season, starting at the beginning of october. it was tiring being sent out constantly just to come back and report that nothing happened. 

when he’d signed up for this job with his friends, he didn’t assume it would come with so much...mockery. 

the phone started ringing again. denki groaned, golden eyes rolling back. “why are you calling me again?” 

“ghostbusters! i need the ghostbusters! that’s why i’m calling! i promise this isn’t a prank! my friends and i were fooling around and strange things started happening!” 

“fooling around with what?” he deadpanned.

you paused for a moment on the other line. “...with paranormal shit!” 

“why are you even doing that in the first place?” 

“because we thought it would be fun! now can you get over here? the lights went out, it took me forever to find my phone to call you!” 

“what’s your address? or..the place you’re at?” 

you gave him your address, voice growing more frantic with every word. “please hurry!”

“i’ll be there.” 

denki hung up. he buttoned up his jumpsuit and slid down the fireman hose, hanging on with one hand as finished suiting up with the other. 

he had forgotten how heavy his proton pack was, and grunted with the effort it took to put it on. when he turned, his jaw dropped. one of the cars was missing. where had they gone? 

denki disregarded it and hopped into the second car, twisting the keys. the engine revved to life and the garage opened. he pulled out, glancing down at the address messily scribbled down on his right palm. 

luckily it wasn’t a long trip. when he arrived at the house, all the lights were out. it was a quieter area of town, but it should have still been bustling with young kids looking for candy. 

denki stepped out, slamming the door shut and swinging his long gun over his shoulder. his cheeks puffed out, reminiscing on how scared he used to be. now, all denki wanted was a cute date to hang out with on halloween. 

he wandered up to the door and knocked thrice. perhaps a bit more aggressive than necessary. when no answer came, denki banged his fist again. 

he heard shuffling, and the door swung open. 

“good, i was wondering when-” he looked around. although it was dark, he knew nothing human had opened that door. 

“hello?” he called. no answer followed. denki gulped and felt a familiar fear settle in his stomach. 

he wished he had bakugou’s ruthlessness,  sero’s flawless aim, mina’s ability to talk her way out of the ghost’s way, midoriya’s ability to find a solution to things quickly. what would help now is kirishima’s bravery. 

denki constantly felt like he was just tagging along. just a hindrance and not a real ghostbuster. 

now, he guessed, it would be a good time to prove himself. 

“is anyone here?” he called again. 

the shuffling sounded again. denki twisted to the left, angling his proton blaster at the living room. he crept away, back to the kitchen. his breath shook, reminding him that kirishima used to tell him that there was truly no strength without fear. (not like kirishima could come up with something that catchy by himself. perhaps crimson riot said it first.)

denki stepped lightly, creaks of the floorboard barely audible. the silence was nearly unbearable. “is anyone here?” now he was just calling out for the sake of hearing some kind of noise. 

maybe he should call you again. see if there’s any noise, any signal of a phone ringing. 

there was still no hint that anyone resided here. denki sighed, letting his shoulders sag with an equal amount of disappointment and relief.

 twisting on a heel, denki turned to exit to find two people standing with their backs pressed against the wall, shushing him silently by pressing their fingers to their lips.

their eyes were wide with horror, breathing erratic. denki paused. he could see they were begging. begging silently for him to stay. he swallowed before nodding understandingly. denki just wondered what they were hiding from.

he started back on his way towards the entrance just as the door slammed shut. what can you expect from a haunted house? 

a draft followed through an open window and the lights flickered back on. denki’s knees felt weak, ankles about to give up on him. 

the lights seemed to offer some comfort to the people with their backs against the wall. one of them glanced around, shivering from fear with a hand pressed to their chest. 

they shuddered, rushing up to denki and ushering the other person to come along and hurry. “go tell our friends they can come down now.” “i don’t want to be alone,” the other person protested. 

the one before denki shook their head. “no, you need to go. now. be back soon, i promise you’ll be okay.” they turned to denki once the other person left hesitantly. “my name is y/n. i’m pretty sure i just made the house haunted.” - your hands shook. you and your friends had (stupidly) played with an ouija board on halloween. when strange things started happening, you’d all thrust your hands back from the board and had been too scared to return to the game, foolishly forgetting to tell the entity you were done playing. 

“there’s something in the living room, and it’s been stirring things up, and there’s just so much going on and i promise you this isn’t a prank at all. thank you for coming here.” 

denki’s cheeks dusted red as you gripped his shirt tightly. he wasn’t picky about looks, but you were...cute. 

he gripped your hands and tugged them off. “you’re good, alright? i’ve got you. you’ve got nothing to worry about.” 

denki left out the part where he was scared out of his skin. he didn’t specialize in catching the ghost. more of a help in finding it, leading it to the rest of the group while screaming and then putting it into a trap. 

“thank you so much.” your eyes glittered with tears. he recognized your voice to be the one screaming at him over the phone. 

the lights flickered, electricity buzzing before sparks erupted from the bulbs and shattered. 

“i don’t want to be alone,” you whispered. 

“‘s all right.” he let you cling onto the back of his jumpsuit as he slowly crept forwards, proton gun ready.  

behind him, you shuddered, feeling a chill linger, a tingling sensation running up and down your back. 

the two of you made your way to the darkened living room. papers shuffled in the wind coming from the open window.

thankfully, these lights hadn’t been blown out like the ones in the kitchen. denki flicked the switch up, watching the room come to life. 

papers, drinks, everything in the room was either flipped or torn. you let out a gasp, releasing the back of his jumpsuit to cup your hands around your mouth. “what happened?” 

it wasn’t a prank. denki knew that now, and found himself wishing he had come sooner. 

“i don’t know,” denki said. his gun hummed to life, red and blue energy flowing through. his eyes darted to the corners of the room. he lingered on the far left corner. the shadow there was darker than the rest. while denki might not have been as clever as everyone else on the team, he wasn’t oblivious. 

“sorry about this,” he muttered your way. he pressed the trigger and a beam of energy shot out, wrapping around the shadow. 

denki released the trigger, and the entity hiding came out to reveal itself. he gasped at the sight. its eyes bugged out, skin hanging grotesquely from its face. 

its cheeks were sucked in, bony and dry and white; its cheeks were slit in ugly ways, dried blood crusted to its face. 

while he wished he could have stood by and watched the demon fly around for someone else to take care of, your grip on his sleeve reminded him to keep you safe. 

he shot his beam forwards again. the entity screeched in agony, twirling wildly in the hold. 

“i need your help! y/n!” he yelled over the noise. “grab the canister on my back! it looks like a thermos!” 

“uh,” you panicked, frantically searching before finding what he had mentioned. “i found it!” 

“good! push it onto the ground! i need you to step on that trigger to open it!” you did as instructed and the thermos flung open, light erupting from it. denki stumbled back, struggling to bring the entity in. “close it! now!” 

“what?” 

“i need you to step on the trigger again!” 

“right!” 

the ghost screeched, struggling to grab something as it was sucked inside. silence resumed and all the lights flashed on alarmingly. denki slumped against the wall, panting, heart beating fast. 

“great job.” he offered you a fist bump. 

instead, you rushed into his arms and gave him a tight hug. “thank you, uh.” you looked down and saw a name tag on the left breast pocket of his jumpsuit. “kaminari?”

he grinned. “that’s me.” 

“thank you, kaminari.” you smiled. still shaking a bit, you got to your feet. your friends who had been hovering by the staircase rushed down, hands all over you to make sure you were alright. “i’m fine, you guys,” you reassured. 

denki smiled. “do you need..help?”

“i’ll be fine cleaning by myself. should i pay you or something? anything?” denki shook his head. “it’s all right. no need.” 

you blushed. “then...can i take you out to lunch sometime? to pay you back for this?”

denki’s face relaxed. “uh, yeah. yeah, sure. that’d be...great.” 

you smiled. you hesitantly grabbed a discarded piece of paper and a pen from the coffee table and wrote down your number. “here. and maybe this time, don’t keep hanging up on me?”

denki laughed. “have a good halloween, y/n.” he took the paper and was on his way. - “there you are!” mina tied her jumpsuit around her waist. “where the heck were you?” 

“just saving this poor person and their friends.” 

mina tapped her foot impatiently. 

“i did save them.” he held up the steaming canister. “there’s a ghost in here.”

bakugou’s eyes went wide. “by yourself?” 

“by myself.” 

kirishima took the canister so they could find a proper containment for the ghost. “lucky guy.” 

“what?” 

the redhead winked. “don’t think i didn’t see you got their number. are you going out with them soon?” 

denki smiled. “hopefully. yeah.”

- - - 

ʟɪᴋᴇꜱ, ʀᴇᴘʟɪᴇꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢꜱ ᴀʀᴇ ꜱᴏ ꜱᴏ ᴀᴘᴘʀᴇᴄɪᴀᴛᴇᴅ. ᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴀɴʏᴏɴᴇ ᴛᴏ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴘʀᴇꜱꜱᴜʀᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ, ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴇʀɪᴇꜱ, ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇ ᴇɴᴛʜᴜꜱɪᴀꜱᴍ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀᴡɪꜱᴇ (ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜɪꜱ ɢᴏᴇꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀꜱ ᴀꜱ ᴡᴇʟʟ!) ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ɴᴏᴛ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴍᴏᴛɪᴠᴀᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴇʟꜱᴇ ᴅᴜᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰᴀᴄᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ʙᴇʟɪᴇᴠᴇ ɴᴏʙᴏᴅʏ ɪꜱ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴏʀ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋ

-

- 🅾🆃🅷🅴🆁 🅼🅰🆂🆃🅴🆁🅻🅸🆂🆃🆂:

- 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕢𝕦𝕚𝕖𝕥 𝕔𝕠𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕖 𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕡

- 𝕔𝕙𝕣𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕞𝕒𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

- 𝕟𝕖𝕨 𝕪𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

- 𝕧𝕒𝕝𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

[love-takes-work]

Steven Universe: End of an Era: Outline & Review

I wrote this review in October but never got around to posting it here

Steven Universe: End of an Era is far more than an art book–it’s also a collection of behind-the-scenes material, stories about the experience of working on the show, planning documents and associated background info, and both older versions of developed concepts AND concepts that never made it into the show. It's a huge fusion of all those elements, and it's definitely an experience!

Some low-quality images are included with my review just to give you an idea of what’s there--it’s not a good substitute for getting your own copy, but here’s a tour!

Like the previous concept art book, Art and Origins, I'll be giving you a description of the structure and overview, while also collecting notable information for fans. Obviously just about everything is "notable" once again, but I'll aim for unique insight or perspective on the main source material, keeping the screaming about everything new to a minimum so you can also enjoy something for yourself if you pick it up. My low-quality photos should prevent people from feeling like I'm reproducing the book in any capacity. Please grab one while you can and have your own experience!

[SU Book and Comic Reviews]

OVERVIEW

The book is titled "End of an Era" for a couple reasons--obviously because it is released after the show has wrapped, but also because Gem history recently ended its "Era 2" and began Era 3--an age of prosperity and peace. The author--the person in charge of adapting all of this information into this slick, readable package--is Chris McDonnell, whose work was previously applied on the Art and Origins book.

The foreword is by N.K. Jemisin, a well-known science fiction author who's a huge fan of the show (and wrote a really excellent series that also has a weird geological connection, by the way).

And the cover, like its predecessor, is shiny and decorated with a beach scene featuring minimalistic characters--this time it's the Gems at night in front of the Temple, and on the back cover is a big pink leg ship in a cross-legged pose.

The interior covers are decorated with tons of amazing sketches of Steven and Connie on the front, and a bunch of Gem sketches on the back. Every interior page that most would leave blank is highlighted with some kind of sketch art or character exercise--it's so much to look at, so much to absorb.

The book is dedicated "For Eddie."

Its organization is different from the previous book in that it shares applicable work in chunks associated with groups of episodes rather than pertaining to different aspects of building the show.

FOREWORD

N.K. Jemisin gives us such a great introduction to the book--apparently understanding very well that the audience of this book is full of animation enthusiasts and adult fans more than it is full of kids, and explaining that bewildering journey some adults had from blowing this show off as a silly kid thing to falling in love with it hard and fast.

The important thing, Jemisin says, is being able to trust a storyteller with your heart. And it was clear to her that Rebecca Sugar knew what she was talking about and was saying important things about identity and the radical power that comes with accepting it and demanding respect.

Important also is how we handle heroes and who gets to be one in fantasy. That's part of the reason Steven Universe speaks to so many--because we see ourselves here, and know stories can be about us. Acknowledging the power we all have to MAKE THINGS BETTER with what we fight for is so important--especially if we're going to speaking to the next generation about it.

Highlighting Rose Quartz as a "born leader" who failed and Steven as a relatable scamp who did what she couldn't, Jemisin asserts that we can save the world.

1. END OF AN ERA

We start with an appeal to the audience to think about identity and the formative parts of our childhood--and how different it is if who you are and who you become is restricted, mocked, erased, or Not Allowed. Most people, if not ALL people, can relate to this, but for those of us with a special relationship with Steven Universe because of queer identity, this hits hard.

But it doesn't have to be anything grand to be something we respect--this show's authenticity comes largely from how personal everything is, drawn from real-life experiences and incidental truths from each artist's perspective, leaning hard on childhood and formative experiences.

Rebecca Sugar offers some interview bits to discuss writing philosophy and why "writing female characters" was difficult for a nonbinary person who'd been socialized as a girl and a woman. Rebecca has spoken before about how frustrating it is that marketing for cartoons was SO gendered when she was growing up (and to some extent still is).

The Gems in the story are all "she/her," but on their planet they're defined by their work, not by emotion or relationships (unlike women in our society), so having them be socialized opposite to how she was and be able to claim those emotions through choice and NOT as just an expectation "as women" was revolutionary. Rebecca wants her show to tell all marginalized people that they don't deserve to be in the margins.

Weighing in on other aspects of the show were Ian Jones-Quartey, Joe Johnston, and Miki Brewster. Ian describes feeling like at first doing SU was a thrill ride that meant they'd finally get to do all the cool stuff, but it quickly became a responsibility that he took very seriously--the need to tell a good story now that he'd been given a megaphone.

Promotional art, planning documents, character sketches, and concept art from the lighthearted to the stone serious is included, along with some very cool (sort of famous) timeline charts that track major characters' developments. It's emphasized by Rebecca that the developmental materials ARE NOT CANON (and especially are not MORE canon) compared the final show.

There are concept sketches alongside final art for Aquamarine and Topaz in "Wanted" (with Topaz labeled "Imperial Topaz"), the Zircons in "The Trial," Blue and Yellow Diamond, and the Off Colors (including Pink Lars).

And there's also a spread of "the two sides of Steven's life: Gem Magic and Rock N Roll" featuring Sadie Killer and the Suspects (referred to as "Buck's band")--as well as a cool "Crew Cameos" key and some concepts for short-haired Connie.

And then there's some more "finished" art with stills alongside concepts, including some background art, revision, and really cool "fairytale" art from some of the shadowplay storytelling bits. We get "Lars of the Stars," "Jungle Moon," and "Can't Go Back."

2. THE BEGINNING OF THE END: A SINGLE PALE ROSE

In discussing the huge reveals and Gem mysteries in the show, the pacing is examined, and emphasis is put on the intended "slow burn." One of the most difficult things in the show was to strategize so that every piece that was needed to support another piece in the future was placed properly to seed what it was supposed to.

Some of the ideas they developed were more of a group effort and were fit together collaboratively (like Amethyst's being younger than the other Gems and Jasper being from Earth), while others were intended from the beginning based on Rebecca's vision (the fundamental idea of Pink Diamond's true identity, for instance, as well as Obsidian's design and sword and our Pearl not being Pink's first).

The writing process gets a great deep dive here, including fun tidbits like how the orb in the moon base was inserted by Joe Johnston and they literally had no idea what it was for when they wrote the episode. They repurposed it when they figured out what they needed.

Rebecca credits her detailed timelines for helping keep the order straight, and discusses how other artists are sometimes flabbergasted that a storyboard-driven show can have this much detail and continuity and yet not get wrecked by the free non-scripted boarding process. But Rebecca and the Crew valued that approach and loved the way fresh eyes would handle an idea, making it come back alive, entertaining, vivid.

Several Crew members weigh in on the writing process. Lauren Hecht refers to making lots of incorrect guesses despite being on the inside. Joe Johnston recalled getting briefed on his first day and getting so excited to start working on this massive project.

Miki Brewster remembered being told Rose Quartz is Pink Diamond and being shocked--and also confused about why Ruby and Sapphire would need to be married if they're already basically married. Drew Green talks about being brought in late and getting to watch unaired episodes and a rough of the movie while eating cereal.

Ian Jones-Quartey complains about Pink Diamond's real jester-like form being leaked to the internet through a Hot Topic shirt. Rebecca piggybacks on that and says it was upsetting that the wedding was leaked because of toy fair keychains featuring Ruby and Sapphire in wedding attire. They'd always be worried about leaks, and sometimes Rebecca struggled not to talk about the reality of Pink Diamond before the reveal because she knew it would make so much more sense once the truth was out. And everything associated with Rose makes more sense once you know she's Pink--especially what happened with Bismuth, considering what we know about how Pink Diamond has a habit of treating anyone who no longer serves her interests.

When it comes to visual cues, Rebecca also talks about intentional designs to create a feeling of unity between concepts, like the flower shapes on Pink Diamond's palanquin lining up with the poofs of Steven's hair and the star imagery of the series. Steven Sugar and Mary Nash discuss how the Human Zoo incorporated this imagery, trying to look like Homeworld with a Pink Diamond touch.

Steven Sugar, as a game nerd, liked to throw in video game references from old and modern stuff to feel like he's inserting what he's enjoying and who he is from moment to moment, while Mary Nash, who related to Sadie as a basement-dwelling young person with cult interests, liked to include stuff from MST3K and cult movies. Pearl's hand gestures get a spotlight too--her reflex to cover her mouth when Pink Diamond was being discussed was analyzed here.

A "Top Secret Visual Timeline" from 2016 is included which tells us some Diamond history. It has an earlier version of Pink Pearl's fate and does not include Spinel since the movie hadn't been greenlit. The timeline includes the birth of the Diamonds, the emergence and major story beats for each major character, and some philosophy of the driving force behind each.

We're told that Pink Diamond straightened up, behavior-wise, after she lost her first Pearl, and that Yellow and Blue wanted to give her a planet but White only agreed to it to prove she would fail at managing a colony. Pearl, meanwhile, is so confused to have a Diamond who keeps asking her what she thinks when she doesn't believe she should have opinions.

And when Pink moonlighted as Rose to start conflict, she found herself leading an army to fight Pink's troops--then Yellow's, and eventually Blue's too. Lapis is said to be waiting for the conflict to end on Earth so she can terraform, but she gets trapped instead.

Pearl's love story with Rose is described as "an endless honeymoon" where she's free to love her, while Rose's is more like "I'm now the head of the family and I'm going to give everyone what they never had, so everyone is super special!"

Jasper is described as "adopted" into Yellow's army as the only successful Beta Quartz. And White Diamond knew that Pink Diamond was not dead--she thought she was just running away from home like a brat and would eventually be back.

3. THE HEART OF THE CRYSTAL GEMS

Now we discuss Rose Quartz--the original Pink Diamond. How she was selfish and selfless, never enough and always too much, and how Greg was her first partner who "challenged her" to be an equal. Rebecca describes Rose as being delighted by the idea that both she and Greg reinvented themselves, but when that leads her to want to share her past, Greg isn't interested--he only wants to know who she is now, and doesn't consider the old her to be her.

Rebecca likes Carl Jung's concept of "enantiodromia," which is the idea that extremes lead to their extreme opposite. This is demonstrated in all of the Diamonds. This narrative is interspersed with drawings of Greg and Rose being cute.

But another "heart" of the Crystal Gems is its relationships--particularly, Garnet, the fairy tale romance embodied. More psychological theories are discussed with regard to differentiation in a relationship making the relationship stronger, and how they made sure that happened for Garnet during the appropriate arc. Rebecca has struggled with the idea that she, like Ruby, went straight from a "family" group to a living-with-others situation and never lived by herself. But she also learned that you can in fact develop as a person in the context of a relationship--you don't have to be alone to do it. Ruby learned that too, and chose on her own terms to be with Sapphire.

The wedding made so much sense to Rebecca and the crew that they couldn't imagine a wholesome couple like Ruby and Sapphire not having a wedding episode. They wanted it for years: The wedding concepts always included the tuxedo for Sapphire and the wedding dress for Ruby.

But pushback (often blamed on the conservative standards of the international market) led to negotiations trying to keep Ruby and Sapphire's relationship from being explicit. Rebecca and the Crew were very tired of this double standard, and they were especially irritated by attempts to claim a wedding wouldn't be well received by a core demographic or wouldn't make sense for Steven's character. But other shows had done weddings and Steven had been established to love weddings already.

Rebecca kept adding more elements to the wedding episode to answer all the concerns, but she didn't want to back down from explicit marriage between these characters. They deserved it. And the audience deserved to see this as wholesome, like any other cartoon wedding. Eventually they got their way and were allowed to have the wedding. But the ordered episodes were also coming to a close without promise of more, so Rebecca had to request more episodes to be able to wrap up the storyline!

And of course, there is Steven, the true heart of the team. A very interesting aside discusses Garnet's leadership and how the network pushed the Crewniverse to acknowledge Steven as the leader. This was successfully resisted throughout as well--because Garnet is the leader (unless she's incapacitated, of course). It's fantastic that this concept was preserved because too often a young male chosen one is elevated above people with more experience and knowledge because of that chosen one tradition, so it's really nice to have a show acknowledge that team leadership is more appropriate for an adult.

4. ERA 3

Beginning with a discussion of the Diamonds, this chapter deconstructs the dysfunctional "family" of the Diamonds (who are said to be based on tropes about evil stepmothers and stepsisters), with the thread of dysfunction originating with White Diamond.

Yellow is physical, Blue is emotional, White is judgmental, and Pink is impulsive. Some philosophy on why Pink is naturally manipulative and why she clashes so much with White is offered.

White believes her identity is to be imposed on all because she is the pinnacle of what should be--and therefore, she has the right to make decisions and statements about and on behalf of everyone. But her secret is that she can't do what the others do--act or feel or want. In trying to be everyone, she is no one.

And this becomes very important when she confronts Steven about his identity and turns out to be wrong. The triumph of Steven being totally, fully himself is a beautiful, simple revelation that's described as far more satisfying than the theories about Pink living inside him or Rose returning from his Gem.

Also discussed is Gem architecture. A lot went into this idea, and Steven Sugar weighs in to say he had to think of what it would mean for a world to have buildings but serve no human needs. That's why it's mostly focused on transport and storage. Even the broken planet is meant to indicate a place stripped for its resources, and everything serves a function that is meant to avoid looking like the human equivalents.

And there's another layer, too: a difference between Era 1 and Era 2. Era 2 became more functional to hide Era 1's broken bits, and older Homeworld buildings still have some "ornate and ancient" feel to them. And the fact that props, tools, and even walls and doors could be living was taken from a concept Rebecca thought was horrible from old Busby Berkeley movies, where people were inanimate objects and it was portrayed as lovely. Tom Herpich helped conceptualize these living objects.

Steven dealing with "princess tropes" is discussed here too. The Pebbles (worked on with Pendleton Ward) were sort of his Cinderella's mice, and all the locked-in-a-tower, having supportive tiny friends help you, getting princess clothes made, attending a ball, having to mind your manners stuff was intentionally related to fairy tales.

The point of doing that (besides fun) was to easily invoke the feeling that Steven was being made to be someone he's not, and that he was being treated like THIS is who he really is when it isn't. White Diamond as the "evil stepmother" is discussed with regard to her detailed features and massive scale. They generally didn't put fingernails and eyelashes on characters (especially not to indicate that they were women or girls!), but they decided White would get all of these feminine markers for tradition's sake.

Rebecca also invokes several other references that were included and describes the princess tropes as "chipping away at his integrity" setting him up for the final challenge with White.

There is again tons of concept art: Homeworld architecture, Pebbles, Diamond diagrams, background Jades and Lemon Jade Fusion, Comby, Diamond extraction chambers, and White Diamond.

5. CHANGE YOUR MIND

Now we finally begin to discuss Steven's identity. The "Perfect Steven," discussed in several interviews before this book's release, was an idea back in 2013; the "ultimate Steven," beefed up and shonen-looking, was far from perfect because OUR Steven is perfect, while this alpha hero Steven idea (used in Steven Universe Future) didn't belong being idolized in such a show.

They thought about having Steven fall apart into organic half and Gem half early in the show (during "Giant Woman" after a successful fusion and unfusion, even!), but they didn't try the concept until the last episode. They didn't want the "Pink" Steven to be portrayed as "better" even though he would be more powerful, so they decided he isn't whole without his organic self and he's just as much of a shell as the organic half. They absolutely did not want any ending that required Rose to be inside him or waiting to come back. But the debates were fierce--what DOES it mean to have Rose's Gem?

Ian Jones-Quartey brings in an anecdote about his own family to emphasize some of the immigrant themes that inspired aspects of the show. He had a brother who reinvented himself elsewhere away from family without resolving issues, and all the ramifications of that were explored in the show through Rose Quartz. (He is careful to say he doesn't think his immigrant experience is like being from another planet!) But he did say you can hurt your old family even if they were toxic or didn't know the real you, and you can hurt your new family by hiding your past. The Pizza family of course was also a more direct reference to Ian's Ghanaian family.

In talking about the new Fusions from this episode, Sunstone is largely described by Miki, who also got to board the Sunstone section. Sunstone was described as a cool 1990s character and the evolution just continued into making them a fourth-wall-breaking PSA dispenser. Obsidian is also discussed, with their sword being an early concept. Steven Sugar said they totally knew it would be forged in action. Obsidian being similar to the Temple design is of course another very early detail.

The story of how James Baxter got involved with one of the final scenes (Organic Steven and Pink Steven fusing in front of White Diamond) was shared. His family was fans of the show and Rebecca Sugar took the time to drive to a birthday party for his daughter and give her a drawing. He then owed her a favor, and this was it.

Concept art is again included, this time with sample boards, promo images, a Diamond fight concept, costume design changes for the Gems, new Fusions, the so-called "Mega Diamond" ship conglomerate, some scenes from the White Diamond confrontation, Pink Steven, multiple pages of James Baxter animation, corrupted Gems and their healed selves, and photos from the "Change Your Mind" premiere and some awards. The show has won one design-related Emmy, a Peabody Award, and a GLAAD award.

6. STEVEN UNIVERSE FUTURE

The book doesn't cover the movie because it got its own book, but dives right into Future. Ian Jones-Quartey emphasizes that the movie and Future are separate and different from the original show, which ENDED. After all, after that, Steven has a neck!

Some new names are invoked now: new writers Kate Tsang, Jack Pendarvis, and Taneka Stotts. They were excited to have Steven make HIS OWN mistakes instead of trying to clean up someone else's! Now, instead of doing the usual shonen anime thing and having the final battle be a big physical rumble, Steven has to make peace with himself and take an active role in coping with what all the fighting has done to him and what effect it's had on who he is (and who he wants to be). There is no sudden "I love myself!" answer, either. It's always a process.

Drew Green and Maya Petersen, who came on board as storyboarders officially in Future, also weighed in on writing for a "mature" show, how to deal with Steven being a "moral compass" while being sort of unreliable, and what they learned as Crew that they didn't know as fans. Drew didn't know Garnet never asks questions. Jack didn't realize the show never deviated from Steven's point of view. Taneka was nervous but excited to collaborate. Kate was worried about how established the show was and what to do as a new writer to contribute appropriately.

Maya was on the old Crew but not as a storyboarder, so felt like some of the "old" ideas ended up not being appropriate for the "new" Future in an embarrassing way--and dreaded the idea of dealing with Steven's emotional problems when they were similar to stuff she'd been through. She also was personally behind the idea of Steven wanting to dump his problems by becoming Stevonnie, and got to work with Etienne Guignard on inventing the Pearl creation backstory with Volleyball.

There's some discussion of "depression hobbies," stress, and the show's pacing. And they say Etienne was entertaining at pitches. There's even some discussion of how Greg is taken off a bit of a pedestal because his terrible restrictive life in the suburbs sounded wholesome to Steven and Greg presented it negatively.

And then there is some information about how the Crew felt behind the scenes due to fan reactions and negative press. Ian discusses feeling offended when the Black characters are described as bad examples, as if their cartoonized but realistic-in-context features are automatically caricatures.

Rebecca Sugar felt beaten down by some of these narratives and began to access mental health services, inspiring some of the content of "Mindful Education." A long reflection from Rebecca discusses people's infighting about her show and what she had a responsibility to show or not show in the story. She learned a lot about bullying from Cartoon Network's anti-bullying program and learned that bullies thrive on whatever attention you give them--unless it is made clear to them by a peer group that no one is impressed by their cruel actions. Also, not all negative feedback is bullying. Constructive criticism is different. Self-awareness can help you avoid internalizing what bullies might do or say to you.

Segueing from the discussion of how people are affected by and connect with the show, we then discuss how they chose as a team what should be covered as the show came to a close. They didn't have time to do quite a few stories they wanted time for, like a Rhodonite story, a Lars side story, and Diamond "prehistory" and religion; all of it was put aside for the main arc with Steven.

They thought people would find those stories about Homeworld and Off Color history very interesting, but so much of the show had been about Steven's Gem adventures, so keeping him mostly on Earth seemed appropriate. The acknowledgment of his battle damage, of his trauma, was necessary and real, and helpful in an important way to the core audience.

Oh, and there was some stuff about a cheeseburger tree. Don't ask.

In discussing the "reverse escapism" of the original show (Gem aliens are intrigued by everyday human culture, and realism is necessary), Rebecca says her views have changed on escapism and gets why some people want a soothing feel-better show. She acknowledged also that her own escapist dreams-come-true fulfilled in the show didn't feel like escapism because they were givens to the majority of mainstream culture, but were never guaranteed to marginalized people.

Rebecca ties in her several-times-told story about "Love Like You" and how the middle bit was when she didn't feel she was worth looking up to, and the realizations she had to tie the beginning to the end. Feeling like someone will like you less if they know you more is terrible. So sometimes a show like this can be helpful in telling people that they belong when their fantasies are things like "I want to be loved" and "I want to know I exist."

In Future, Steven has to connect to who he is and love that person--and understand that person enough to finally feel that even if he's not fixing their problems or saving their world right this second, Steven deserves his family's love and support, and they WANT to give it to him.

There's a huge amount of supplemental material in this section so there's no way I could name it all. The charts for Future's timeline are pretty straightforward, though a few episodes like "A Very Special Episode," "Why So Blue," "In Dreams," and "Bismuth Casual" aren't specifically represented and a couple are in a different order ("Prickly Pair" was conceived as happening after "Fragments" and "Homeworld Bound").

Steven feeling like a monster, having intrusive thoughts, having not forgiven the Diamonds, and getting help/moving on--it's all there.

We have keys, color scripts, and boards for the new opening and some various backgrounds and storyboard art from episodes. Model sheets for Shep, Nice Lapis and Mean Lapis, Jasper, Steven Tag Gems, Pink Steven Powers, Monster Steven. New house concepts, Era 3 Homeworld concept art for the Diamond environments, and background art for the Reef.

New Connie and Greg designs. Concepts for Mega Pearl, the Rose Quartzes, Bluebird, and Morganite (who didn't get used). And there are some photos from recording and the conference room. There are even some extras from "Crossover Nexus," the crossover with OK K.O.!--including an unused cut scene that included Ruby and Sapphire fighting. The rest of the book is a bunch of adorable Crewniverse art--extras, blog drawings, promos, and gifts to each other.

NOTABLE

1.

The first timeline chart in the book features a cool sketch of the original Off Colors, which at the time this planning document was drafted included unused Off Colors Flint and Chert.

We knew of their existence already because of an episode of the podcast, but these two unexpectedly appeared as incidental characters in the Steven Universe Future episode "Homeworld Bound," identified only in the credits. Sad to think that instead of banding with the Off Colors, these two were probably shattered for their crime (being Quartzes who don't want to fight) and that's why we see them being repaired in this episode. Later, there's some brainstorming for types of Off Colors and "a Ruby that wants to wear limb enhancers" is mentioned as well.

2. 

It looks like there was also originally more juice to the story of tracking down the events of the war culminating in Pink Diamond's assassination.

One of the timelines talks about Steven thinking it makes sense that Pearl can't talk about her involvement because she might have been a double agent, explaining why Rose Quartz always knew what Pink Diamond was doing. It seems like that bit was supposed to be included in Garnet's version of the story she believed in "Your Mother and Mine." Seems like they originally conceived Garnet's story to inspire the Off Colors to become pirates and freedom fighters, though in the show's canon this storytelling happened after Lars had already reinvented himself the way he did.

Sadie was also supposed to be sending letters to Lars via Steven, which is funny since the "Letters to Lars" episode is just a montage Steven letter. And of course it's specified that Steven was supposed to get Pink Diamond flashbacks by going to the Palace on Homeworld.

3. 

The second chart in the book makes references to Sadie's reinvention of herself as a parallel to Lars, Greg, and Pink Diamond all doing the same thing, and how positive it is to embrace such a thing--a version of yourself that YOU create.

I love that Yellow Diamond's arm ship arm-wrestling the Cluster was always part of the plan.

There's some more explicit direction to have Connie help Steven understand the Diamonds as "strict parents," and a lot more emphasis on everyone realizing Rose had been inspired by THEM rather than them all following her.

White Diamond is presented here as if she thinks of Pink Diamond as a "daughter" (whom she now understands she has "lost"). There are notes on how the Diamonds have a responsibility to their children and should attend to it before just continuing to make more.

4.

One of the concept art images for the Off Colors features Rhodonite crouching by Padparadscha saying "Don't worry, I won't let them hurt you." It's very interesting because she DOES seem to protect Padparadscha in the show, but doesn't seem confident about it in her final version, even though it does seem like she'd be "programmed" to guard aristocratic Gems because of her Ruby and Pearl makeup. Cool.

5.

A "Crew Cameos" spread was included, which is of great interest to some of us who loved seeing the Crew insert themselves into the show. Not every SU Crew person who's been represented in a crowd was there, but this crowd included Amish Kumar, Kat Morris, Amanda Winterstein, Angie Wang, Lamar Abrams, Emily Walus, Mary Nash, Joe Johnston, Christy Cohen, Danny Cragg, Hilary Florido, Danny Hynes, Matt Burnett, Ben Levin, Elle Michalka.

6.

The official national flower of South Korea, Hibiscus syriacus, is the name of Pink Diamond's flower.

7.

One of Steven Sugar's comments about the silhouette difference between humans and Gems points out that humans have ears. This seems to be pretty good confirmation that they are not supposed to have ears, despite that sometimes we'll see ears drawn on them in some frames.

8.

Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond is characterized in this book as "self-hating" in a really interesting way, saying that because she believed she was not capable of compassion, she practically worshiped those who demonstrated that ability and thought they were so much better than her--which is described as "intoxicating" and resulted in others being drawn to her. How interesting is that!

9.

Timelines reveal that early plans for Pink Diamond's first Pearl originally had her getting destroyed by Pink during  a game, and then her destruction was rewritten as a punishment from the Diamonds after Pink Pearl defended Pink Diamond to the other Diamonds. They went back to the idea of her getting hurt by Pink for the final version, though the cracked face and control by White Diamond was not on the agenda until they started writing "Change Your Mind."

10.

The approximate ages of the major characters, based on emergence, are revealed on these timelines. It begins with a cracked-planet-looking graphic depicting four tiny Diamonds emerging at 20,000 years ago. Some suspicious "blacked out" redacting surrounds a long timeline tail that goes back before that, which may mean there are secrets they still don't want to reveal. But the dates go like this:

20,000 years ago: The Diamonds emerge.

11,000 years ago: Pearl is custom-made for Pink Diamond.

8,000 years ago: Sapphire emerges (on Homeworld).

6,000 years ago: Ruby emerges (on a colony).

5,750 years ago: Garnet is formed.

5,600 years ago: Lapis is poofed and put in the mirror.

5,200 years ago: Jasper emerges (on Earth).

5,050 years ago: The Cluster is planted.

5,000 years ago: Amethyst emerges (on Earth).

4,500 years ago: The Crystal Gems found Amethyst.

3,000 years ago: Peridot emerges (on Homeworld).

40 years ago: Pearl found Lapis's mirror at the Galaxy Warp.

And of course we know 14 years ago Steven is born!

11.

Originally the Diamonds were based on a quartet of themes: Love, Fear, Pride, and Sorrow. It got too complicated to keep and it was abandoned, with Pink's identification of "love" being described as "particularly outdated."

12.

Notes on a sketch say that Pearl was inspired to become bold and unashamed because Pink's questions drove her to have opinions, and it's said that Rose "fell in love" with her boldness.

13.

Rebecca tells the story of driving off a ridge and getting stuck in the desert, comparing this to Ruby's tumble during her Wild West adventure and using it as inspiration. She's told this story before but here it is in print. She also included the story about using the flowers from a friend's wedding to put in Ruby's hair.

14.

Rebecca describes having to "fight" notes she was given when it had to do with Ruby and Sapphire's relationship. One she describes as NOT fighting was for a signing card depicting Ruby and Sapphire dancing. It was called "too romantic" and she decided not to worry about it since it wasn't the actual show content.

She was also scolded over her book The Answer because the powers that be expected her to downplay that relationship. She always argued that queer youth deserved these things.

15.

Tom Herpich describes being inspired to name Blue Diamond's comb "Comby" because he was watching the news about Comey getting fired from the FBI. It's also a mineral-related term and I always assumed that reference was intentional, but maybe it's not and this is the only intended significance to Comby's name?

16.

Rainbow Quartz 2.0's design is not discussed, though the other two new Fusions from "Change Your Mind" (Sunstone and Obsidian) were. RQ2 has some sketches included, but no accompanying narrative in the text.

17.

A sheet of corrupted Gems and their healed selves is offered, though it doesn't appear to be final. The obelisk in "Serious Steven" is labeled Albite. The unnamed Worm Monster, Desert Glass, and Watermelon Tourmaline are included. An unnamed birdlike Gem represents the Big Bird monster from "Giant Woman." The crab monster from "Arcade Mania" is labeled Blue Chalcedony. The Tongue Monster is drawn uncorrupted but not named. The Flower Monster from "Back to the Kindergarten" is labeled Grossular Diopside or Titanite. The invisible monster from "Island Adventure" is labeled Moonstone. The Lighthouse Gem is labeled White Topaz. A form for Larimar that was used in "Change Your Mind" but changed in Future is there. The Slinker is listed as Chrysocolla. And the Crab Monster is listed as Aventurine.

On the next page, this is changed to Bixbite (as it was in Steven Universe Future), and we then also have Lace Amethyst, Blue Lace Agate, Crazy Lace Agate (Fusion), Ocean Jasper, the Mother Centipeetle Nephrite (Facet 413 Cabochon 12) and three other Nephrites, Angel Aura Quartz, a hooded Jasper, Zebra Jasper, Biggs Jasper, Watermelon Tourmaline (labeled as Fusion of Gem * Onion--huh?), Snowflake Obsidian, "Little" Larimar, and Orange Spodumene (who was the Worm).

18.

The Rhodonite side story would have been about the love story of a Ruby and a Pearl working for Morganite. Images of Morganite and her servants, unfused, are in the book. We do not get this additional information, but Rebecca said in a panel shortly before the book's release that Rhodonite's story would have been about finding out that she had been Rejuvenated 17 times because her components kept falling in love and needing to be reset.

19.

Referring to the Diamonds on one of the charts, Steven's perspective is "I can't believe I helped these" and then there's a censor bar. Welp.

20.

Some included art by Hilary Florido features Kevin with a souped-up Koala Princess car and another where Kevin is staring at himself in the mirror in front of an altar to himself.

21.

Rebecca's sweater collection is included in the Crew art.

[SU Book and Comic Reviews]

[aweecrush]

Prologue

Tuesday, October 16th 2007

“Jesus, I can’t believe you’re actually in the fucking plane - took you long enough! If I had known it took a wedding to get your arse back home, I would have had a couple by now, for God’s sake .”

“Michelle, you promised you wouldn’t start! ” Clare’s reproachful voice rose.

“Aye, first, I didn’t promise shit, and second, I told you, she’s not chickening out so chill out - right Erin?”

Despite the culpability and shame pricking at her skin, her heart warmed at their traditional bickering she wished she’d hear more often. At their voices. And, most of all, at knowing that in a few hours, she’d get to hear them for real.

Feck, she’d missed these eejits.

“Well, I’m not actually in the plane yet, we’re waiting to board. And then I still have that stupid long flight, and then the stupid long wait at stupid London, so don’t wait up - but yes, I’m definitely on my way,” she promised, earning herself an earful of high pitched cackles and happy swears.

Her heart welled up.

“So, how is the bride doing? She wasn’t home when I called earlier, and all Mammy could talk about was how the caterer was driving her crazy and how aunt Sarah almost set her own hair on fire trying a new hairdo she’d like to nail for the ceremony.”

Michelle snorted. “ Yeah, hilarious so it was. You should have seen your dad’s face, mental. ”

“It was terrifying,” Clare corrected, apparently still shaken.

Then, perked up. “Orla’s going to look so cute though - I can’t wait for you to see the dress!” Erin tried to ignore the sting of not having been there for such an important moment.

“We’re still trying to convince her out of drawing anything on it, but I’m not sure we’ll win this one, to be honest. Also, we’ve got everything almost ready to go for the bachelorette party, although I do need you to help me stop Michelle from bringing the tons of drugs she wants to, because - ”

“For feck’s sake Clare, Orla would love it! The girl is tying the knot, she deserves to get properly shit faced.”

“She said she wanted something small!”

“She said she would have liked to have a little something with just the five of us the night before. She never said anything about the actual bachelorette party being small - or fucking boring for that matter!”

“Just the five of us?”

The words spilled out before she could stop them, stupid that she was. At the other end of the line, the girls went uncharastically silent, and Erin cursed herself.

Feck.

“I mean, that’s grand. It’s cool, I thought it was just going to be one big night for the bachelorette party before the big day, but - I mean, that’s even better! Grand - cool.”

Christ on a bike, that was pathetic. She was.

“Yeah...The thing is, Orla wanted a wee night with just us Derry girls the night before the bachelorette party, hanging at the bar and stuff you know, because - Well, just because.” Poor Clare was rambling now, in a typical panicked Clare kind of way. “And we thought - Well, then we thought about it, and it turns out it’s not going to work, just timing-wise and stuff, so - “

“So the point is we dropped it.”

“Right. Yep.”

Again, silence, only betrayed by the hammering in her chest that she hoped her friends wouldn’t hear over her cellphone.

“Oh okay, well - that’s a shame.” Her casual slash over the top fake disappointment tone did nothing to help convince anyone, of course, herself included. She winced.

She promised herself it wasn’t going to be like this, though. She wasn’t going to ruin this for anyone - not a chance.

For God’s sake, catch yourself on Erin.

Pushing all dangerous thoughts aside, Erin took a deep breath. “In any case, I’m sure it’ll all be fine - really fine.”

There were another few seconds of silence, and she could just picture the worried look they were sharing - probably very similar to the one they had that particular, fateful day. To the one they had again when she told them she was moving away. Then -

“You bet it’ll be fine - feck, it will be absolutely brilliant is what it is! Wait til you see my dress, Erin - my tits look amazing in it.”

*

As it turned out, running all over the city for work for the past ten days and dangerously flirting with the limits of sleep deprivation did have a perk: her whole, eight hours flight, Erin slept like a log.

(Truth was, she could have done without the look of contempt and the ‘Miss? You have drool on your face’ from that stupid flight attendant who woke her up when they landed, but still - all in all, it went well.)

The wait at Stansted airport, however, was pure hell.

Because of the jitters, mostly.

Growing up, despite how much she loved to complain about them, Erin had never actually considered living away from her family. Well, not that far, at least - she’d always known she would leave Derry after high school, which they did, and it was glorious. War or not, she had a pretty nice life as a child and then a teenager, but those college years and the first ones that had followed - they were the best of her life.

Still, it was only Belfast at the time, and Belfast was a two hours drive from home. Erin knew that at some point, she wanted to go out in the world, maybe live abroad for a while, but this - New-York, all on her own, away for so long? She hadn’t planned that. Didn’t, really - it all went so fast, in the end.

It was a good thing too, because if she had stopped and thought about it for too long, she wasn’t sure she would have gone through with it.

(Then again, what else could she have done?)

Despite her dreams, and her need for independence, and her eagerness to see the world, Erin had never thought that she’d leave her family for that far, for that long. Orla had come to see her once, thank goodness, but Jesus -

On the last picture her Ma had sent her, Anna had grown so much, she almost looked like a wee woman. She’d forgotten the exact colour of that lipstick aunt Sarah wore all the time, she couldn’t remember each wrinkle on Granda’s beautiful face like she used to, and sometimes, she was afraid she was forgetting her Da’s smell and what her Ma’s voice sounded like in real life. She’d missed them so much, it hurt (a lot, often).

She just couldn’t wait any longer to get back to that crazy bunch, and those last, endless few hours? Torture so it was.

She was half considering starting to work on her next article to pass the time when across from her, Erin spotted a young couple bickering, their luggages next to their seats. She was a beautiful thing, red hair tied in a messy bun, and his brown curls fell above his forehead, all messed up.

She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could make out their accents. He looked like he was trying to make her smile, leaning over so he could kiss her, and she was doing everything she could not to laugh, weakly trying to escape his arms around hers, her pretense wavering with every second.

They were probably in their early twenties, just out of uni or something. They looked happy.

Her chest tightened, and suddenly, Erin felt the urge to cry.

Well, that was quick.

Shite. Shite shite shite.

It was okay, though - it was all fine. She knew herself by now - she was emotional as heck most days of the year (crazy, her Ma would say), but the day of her returning back home, with accumulated fatigue and an Atlantic crossing flight in her feet? Of course she'd get misty eyed at the first occasion. At anything, this just happened to be what, because they were very cute and - it was a coincidence, nothing more.

It was nothing.

The girl laughed, though, giving him a small slap over the head before she let him nuzzle his face in the crook of her neck. She brushed his forehead with her lips, a soft smile on them, and kept talking.

It was difficult, then, not to think about another time, another long wait, at the Bali airport this time. It was difficult, not to think about another English fella with wild, brown curls.

It was impossible, really, not to think about him.

Memories of a perfect trip came flooding back, of burnt skin and drunken smiles, of blue waters and green eyes. The tickles of the sun, the softness of his fingers over her exposed neck, her naked arms. Sweaty bodies pressed together during hot nights, slow breathes, so many new sights discovered, fingers intertwined.

Sometimes, the memory of his face hidden against her neck was so vivid, she could almost feel it. Just like she did now.

Her breath caught.

Sweet suffering Jesus.

Experience had taught her that she had to stop now - needed to, really, before her mind wandered to anything more. To everything else, every little thing that could, and would, make her heart ache even more than it already did.

(That’s another thing she’d found out: as it happened, the expression “heartbreak” wasn’t, in fact, an overly dramatic turn of words. Quite accurately descriptive it was, actually.

She often wondered when hers would stop feeling like it had been ripped into a million little pieces, but she was starting to lose faith that it ever would.)

Of course, she should have seen it coming, she knew that. She had, in fact. True to herself, she’d tried to ignore it, but she knew full well that with her coming back home, it would come back.

This painful, sneaky way every little thing seemed to remind her of before - of a life that felt so far away now.

Over the months, the many months since she’d been gone, she’d gotten it almost under control. Everyday life brought its distractions, particularly in a city like New-York: running between brunches and dinners, partying with her cool American friends, writing for a newspaper in the Big Apple, it was easy, forgetting what you wanted to, if only for so long. She was becoming a real life city girl, a full time one, and that was exactly what her busy brain - her treacherous heart - needed.

With time, every sight, every sound, every smell no longer reminded her of home - the place, the person. With time, she’d moved on.

Yes, sometimes - often - she’d wavered, but that was normal: having been close to someone meant that they lived with you forever, she couldn’t help that. At some point, it would just die down enough that she’d just be able to call it the past without her insides hurting.

(She thought it would, with Matt. Maybe not with the others before him, they were just passing through - but with him, she thought it would. She couldn’t really explain how it all made the permanent weight on her chest even heavier instead, somehow.)

But it hadn’t died down yet, and even though it was normal and okay and to be expected, six weeks ago, Erin had booked her tickets, and six weeks ago, she had lost the grip over the carefully built barriers she’d made sure to rise in the meantime for - well, self-preservation, really.

It started small. The song that had played this one special night, resonating through Starbucks as she waited for her drink. That sweatshirt her colleague bought one day that reminded her of another one. That scarf in the store that looked so much like Doctor Who’s.

But then...Then, it was every day, every damn day, just like the beginning - even worse, if she was being honest. Up until yesterday, when she boarded that damn plane.

Up until now, in this stupid airport where she didn’t want to cry.

Arms tightened around her own chest, Erin willed herself not to, even though it was becoming evident that there was no ignoring the memories and the aching now. Even though, just like she feared, it was becoming perfectly clear that there was no escaping anymore, no pretending that she wasn’t the worst person in this Goddamn country, that the worst hadn’t happened.

Even though she could feel the fear mixed with longing and excitement and dread and a million other emotions that had painfully, permanently taken residence in her stomach now that she was home.

(That had taken roots there ever since the day she left, so it did.)

Shite.

Sitting back up, Erin shook herself. No, no, no, no - she could do this.

She’d grown, she’d prepared herself. She’d even planned what to say if...She was ready. Responsable, mature, and ready. And she won’t have to face this alone.

In a few hours, she was going to see the people who raised her. In a couple of days, wee Orla was getting married. She’d come up with excuses after excuses not to come home, even for Christmas - babbling something about being overloaded with work even though it made her heart ache to know she’ll be alone for the holidays for the first time in her life. Even though she knew full well her Ma didn’t buy a single word, very aware of the real reason she was staying away. She didn’t say a single word, though, and Erin was grateful.

No more, though.

For months and months, Erin had found reasons to stay away for the exact reasons that were chipping away at her heart more and more by the second, but now her baby cousin was getting married, and she’d see her family, and they’ll hold her close, and she’ll find a way to bury all the stuff that was so, so much more difficult to ignore now that she was coming home.

Maybe - maybe it will be difficult, but they’ll be here to help her through it. She’ll be there for her family, and they’ll be here for her.

Fighting the urge to reach out for the folded photograph in her wallet (the one that brought so much comfort and so much else she’d rather avoid at the same time, the one she clinged to but pretended she didn’t), Erin just breathed, and moved to change seats.

Everything would be fine, in the end. It will be grand.

*

Except her family didn’t come.

No one did.

It was eight thirty in the morning, and, her cellphone penibly stuck between her ear and shoulder as she struggled to zip her jacket to protect herself from the freezing cold, Erin tried to swallow her disappointment.

“Aye I’m sorry love, it looks like you’re going to have to get a cab,” her Ma announced before yelling something at her Granda in the distance.

Erin couldn’t help but notice the fact that she didn’t seem that sorry, not at all in fact. “Your Da was going to come get you, but there’s a problem of some kind where the reception is, and he had to take Orla.”

Erin nodded, even though her Ma couldn’t see her. “Yeah, sure. I’ll just - ”

“We’ll give you the money back for the cab when you arrive. Alright, I gotta go love, we’re checking the hair accessories for the big day - see you in a bit.” And with that, she hung up.

Well.

Here went her big welcome home, eh.

Again, it was nothing, though, she reasoned. She was a grown up now, of course she understood that something had come up, and that this all delayed their big reunion from only an hour, tops. So really, there was no reason to get upset.

None.

She wished she wasn’t getting upset.

From what she told her, Clare would be putting together gift bags now, and there was absolutely no doubt that Michelle was still snoring. Pocketing her cell as best as she could, Erin bit the inside of her cheek and started looking for the only plan B she had left, ignoring the burning in her eyes. It really was nothing - she’ll be fine.

It didn’t matter that she took forever to get a cab, for some reason, or that her luggage fell over her foot when they tried to put it in the truck, or that her handbag crashed on the floor and spilled everywhere.

Erin did know she tended to be over dramatic - and yes, maybe borderline crazy, Ma wasn't completely wrong - but she was more mature now, so instead of getting riled up, instead of being crushed by the fact that her family didn’t seem to have missed her as much as she did them, and that the land she grew up on was sending her sign after sign that she wasn’t welcomed back, Erin breathed.

Instead of being violently overwhelmed by memories at every corner of the place she’d grown up in, the place where they met and it all began, she did - she tried to breathe, slowly, carefully, squeezing her scarf in her hand a little too tight.

(That was another thing about your close ones not coming to get you at the airport after you left your country to run away: there wasn’t much to distract you from the memories you were running away from.)

She wouldn’t cry. She was just tired, and being stupid, and she wasn’t coming home with puffy red eyes - no way.

They passed the mall they all used to hang out at, and her throat tightened so much, it felt like the air had left the inside of the car. She saw the movie theater he was always so eager to bring her to in the distance, and a familiar pang of missing shot through her chest. Her heart twisted that particular way when they drove by the hiding spot of their early days, but even though she wondered how she was still holding her tears, she did.

After what felt like an eternity, the car finally pulled up her street, and Erin hadn’t shed one silly tear. She’d done it. She could do it.

By the time she pushed their small barrier and started for the couple of stairs, all Erin wanted was to collapse into bed and black out. Orla and Da wouldn’t be home, Ana would probably still be asleep, and given the day and time, Grandda would have gone for his walk. She’d give a big hug to Ma and Aunt Sarah, pretext a headache, and go lie down.

As she struggled to get her bags through the door while keeping the damn thing open, Erin shouted, cursing herself at how strangled her voice sounded. “I’m home!”

Finally managing to get everything and herself inside, she collapsed on the wall behind her, only now taking in the wallpaper, the coat hangers, the shoes by the entry.

Damn - she was home.

The emotion was so striking, she didn’t quite have the time to stop the tears from welling up in her yes, taken by surprise.

She moved before it all became too much and shrugged off her coat, feeling her insides warm at the familiar surroundings, and yet her heart ache at not having the usual voices that went with it, the faces that she wanted so much to see. She shouted again, but there was still no response.

Ma and aunt Sarah must have had something to do, then. It was fine, she thought as she pushed the living door open. It was, she’d just grab a glass of water and -

“SURPRISE!”

And just like that, Saturday Night started playing from somewhere, overcoming the shouting and the party whistles that had broken the silence so suddenly, Erin had jumped out, her back hitting doorframe behind her. There was colours and and noise and arms waving in every direction, and Erin vaguely realized that she was covered in confetti that matched the balloons and the hats.

Somehow, she noticed that they all had one: Michelle, up on the sofa, Clare, jumping in place at the other side of the room, Orla and the giant teddy bear she was holding. Anna, her pink one stuck on top of her mass of blond hair. Aunt Sarah and Grandda, both holding hands and arboring the same green one. Her Ma, her Da, tears in their eyes, huge grins on their faces, red and yellow ones falling over.

Her brain had stopped functionning, so she couldn't be sure, but Erin thought that her legs were giving out.

Before they did, though, both her parents closed the distance and hugged her close, whispering things she couldn't quite make sense of just yet. Their voices in her ear, their smell surrounding her, Erin broke her promise to herself, and finally let the tears come flooding as she held them back as close as she could.

She was home.

[ghoulsister1]

🎃Halloween With Albert Blithe Headcanon🕸️

Since October is just around the corner, here's a little headcanon with my soft boy Blithe to get us in the mood for the spooky season🍁🕷️

●Alby had already gotten used to the Autumn vibes so when October hit the calendar, he was on board with the spooky season🍁

●You two would go to markets first to pick some pumpkins for Jack-o-lanterns. He found it adorable when you would pick pumpkins varying in sizes, from a small adorable pumpkin to the most round and fattest pumpkin of the whole patch!🥰

●Of course Alby helped you load the pumpkins in to the car. Together the two of you picked out 2 small baby pumpkins, one perfect medium pumpkin and one "fattest of the whole bunch" pumpkin🎃

●Shopping for decorations. You didn't want to go all out crazy so bought some really nice and really spooky decorations for the house outside and inside🕸️

●You had a little giggle when you dangled a very realistic fake spider in Blithe's face while he was unpacking the decorations. He jumped and let out a yell, before realising it was fake🕷️

●You of course apologised with a kiss on his nose but Alby got his revenge when he scared you with a fake Alien dummy he bought at the store👾

●"You're so adorable when you pout" Said Blithe chuckling as he kissed you. You couldn't help but smile💋

●Since you would be staying in for the holiday, you two actually decided to dress up just for fun. Alby decided to go as a vampire but he wouldn't do the face paint as it made him itch🦇

●You decided to go as a witch✨🔮

●And Blithe took full advantage of making little pick up lines for it. "Hubble bubble am in trouble!" ✨😉

●You would leave out candy for trick or treaters🍬

●You two would scary movies throughout the night. At first, you guys would be fine watching old classics like 'Halloween', 'Friday The 13th', 'Nightmare On Elm Street', 'Dracula', 'The Wolfman', 'Night Of The Living Dead' 🧟‍♂️🎥

●But once you guys started on the new horror movies, things got jumpy😨

●Blithe would get shaky after a jumpscare and you would let out little yelps or scream after a scary scene😱

●You two would eventually be holding onto each other, occasionally hiding your face in the other's neck or chest during a particularly frightful scene🙈

●After all that, you guys would eventually settle down with funny horror comedys like 'Haunted House 1 and 2', 'Scary Movie', 'Dead Snow 2', 'Shaun Of The Dead' 🎥😅

●During the movies you guys would slurp down soda and snack on some candy and small foods like sausages and chicken fingers😋🍭

●Near the end of the movie marathon you two would watch "BuzzFeed Unsolved" on YouTube and tell spooky stories before you two go to bed👻

●And don't worry about any 'Insidious' demon or 'Gallows' ghost after you, Alby won't let anything scary get you🥰🍂

Well considering that September is nearly coming to an end and October soon upon us I decided to slowly get into the spirit of the holiday and I hope you enjoyed my little spooky headcanon with my boy Blithe🥰🍂

🎃Spooky Season is nearly here folks🍂