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1dcraftawards · 6 years ago

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MARCH AOM

Hello everyone! It is time to reveal who our author of the month is! They will be revealed below along with an interview we conducted with them! Hope you enjoy x

-1D Craft Awards Team

And our March Author of the Month is.....

@marisa-writes!!!

Questions:

1. Did you start writing fanfiction for One Direction, or was there another fandom that you wrote fanfiction for before this?

Before I found my way to One Direction fanfiction, I wrote Jonas Brothers fanfiction for a few years and I loved it immensely! I wouldn’t still be writing fic to this day if not for the relationships I built in that fandom, and the love I received both from my readers and my writing friends. I’ve been sharing my writing online for about ten years now, which is crazy to me. It was my connection to people I met through JBFA that led me to eventually make my way to 1DFF, though I was a very casual reader and not a writer in the beginning. I was also a casual fan of 1D at the time, definitely into their music but not planning to dive in much beyond that. Oh, how the tables have turned...

2. How old were you when you started writing fanfiction?

In 6th grade, my friends and I used to share the joy of writing this fake gossip column between us in which we were the members of this epic girl band. We would write about all of our exploits in the band and in our fictional personal lives, where we were - obviously - dating famous people, like members of ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys. In 7th grade, I wrote pages and pages of stories on loose-leaf paper about myself and my friends and threw in my celebrity crush of the moment as a love interest, so I suppose those stories were my first attempts at writing fanfiction.

This was in the early 2000s, so I didn’t really know my way around finding fanfics on the internet until a couple of years later, but aside from these self-insert stories, the first piece of fanfiction I remember writing with original characters was a Justin Timberlake one I wrote during my freshman year of high school. I kept it in a spiral that I decorated with pictures of Justin and my “face claim” - before face claims had a name - for my original character, Jamie (to show my age, her face claim was Samantha Mumba). I still have that notebook and know exactly where it is. I pull it out every once in a while to remind myself of the journey my writing has taken, because WOW, was that story bad! But I’d never be where I am if I hadn’t written it!

3. What’s been your favorite fic you’ve written to work on so far?

What a terrible question. Asking me to choose between my stories is a lot like asking me to choose between my non-existent children!

I have thoroughly enjoyed writing all of the projects I’ve shared so far, but the summer that I wrote the sangria series was like magic. Teyana and Niall came out of a couple days’ worth of me listening to one of my favorite R&B artists, Jon B., on repeat, and after one lengthy one-shot in which I’d put a lot of thought into their back-story as well as the one I was telling in that particular piece, I was a goner for them. While writing that series, I was an endless well of inspiration and I enjoyed creating those characters and spending so much time in their world.

The Different Strokes series has been the gift that keeps on giving for a few years now, and the joy that’s come from showcasing Liam and Georgia’s love for one another as their family grows has pleased me immensely.

I also feel very similarly about one of my one-shots, goodnight, good morning. Creatively, it was just an absolute joy to write and I can’t help but regard it with fondness whenever I think about it. It came out of left field for me, but my love of the stuck-in-the-elevator trope combined with my love of Liam in nice winter coats made for a piece of writing I am super proud to say I’ve written.

4. Is there a fic that you really wanted to write, but you just never did?

I have a plethora of barely-started fics that just sit taunting me in my Google Docs. The two that haunt me the most are Basketball Jones, an AU in which Liam is a point guard playing on the same university team as my OFC Tionne’s twin brother, Amari, and Roots, in which newly-solo Liam is stoked when presented with the opportunity to work with a legendary soul artist named Maurice Collins to complete his album, but the project ends up getting passed off to Maurice’s daughter Cleo instead. Both stories are the kind you wish would write themselves because you just want them to be out there in the world, you know? But alas, I suppose I have to do the work myself, and I just haven’t been able to get either project to take off just yet.

5. What’s your favorite trope to write?

ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS! God, I’m such a sucker for it. I know a lot of people are fans of the build-up and all the angst and heartache and reconciliation that comes with it, but I’m always the one at the end going, “So what’s next?” I love to see what happens past the happy (or sometimes, not-so-happy) ending. There is so much to be told in what happens between a pairing when they’re committed and figuring out how to be together, and I adore being able to showcase that, especially because it’s not something you see as often as other tropes in fic.

6. What’s your ideal space to write in?

I like writing in my room. It’s quiet, peaceful, my own space. Sometimes I’ll sit on my bed; other times, I like to kick back in my chair in the corner where my lights are hung - my little reading/writing/tv-watching nook - and I’ll prop my feet up on my ottoman and do some writing with a nice cup of tea. I like to be as relaxed as possible, so I can really let my mind wade through all the lines of dialogue and scenes that I want to write.

7. What inspires you to write?

All sorts of things. For many years, it was music. I used to require music playing when I wrote, but I write in silence more often than not now. Still, music is a heavy inspiration for me - there are stories to find even in the songs that don’t seem like, lyrically, they’d provide any. But the mind is a powerful thing, and so is music, and when the two work together, magic tends to happen.

I also find inspiration in the world around me, and in the things I read. I’m a big fan of studying how people interact with one another. Relationships - familial, platonic, or romantic - are fascinating to me, and I love to write about how people react to the others around them, or the environment around them. I believe certain people and places come into your life exactly when they’re meant to for reasons you may or may not understand at the time, but they’re always important in your journey, and I love to write about that.

As a black woman, having the opportunity to continuously write about black women is also a huge inspiration for me, which is something you’ll notice in looking at the original female characters I write. One of my favorite authors, Alyssa Cole, is a black woman who has written both historical and contemporary romances, and she floors me with every piece of hers that I read because the diversity she includes in every story is encompassing and feels effortless. She paints a picture of what our diverse world looks like or has looked like in the past with every novel or novella she writes, and she inspires me to use my words to share stories that feature black women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds at the center because it’s important to me to see incredible black women having their stories told. Alyssa’s diversity doesn’t stop at just black characters, either, which is even more marvelous to me. She’s a force to be reckoned with, and I always joke that I want to be her when I grow up, but let’s be real, I’m not joking.

8. Do you typically like to listen to music when you write? If so, what do you listen to?

I inadvertently just answered this question! Back in my must-listen-to-music days, I would put Jason Reeves’ The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache (And Other Frightening Tales…) on repeat. That album in itself tells a story from start to finish of falling in love, being in love, getting your heart broken, and starting over, and there was something in the magic of Jason’s lyrics and musicality that used to wring endless sparks of inspiration from me. Whenever I felt stuck, I would turn that album on and the words would flow. Nowadays, I tend to find comfort in the quiet, but if a particular song or collection of songs has inspired something I’ve written, like Jon B. did with sangria on your lips, or SoMo’s “For You” did with the one-shot of the same name, I’ll listen to whatever’s inspiring me on repeat.

9. Do you have any plans for any future fic ideas you’d like to pursue?

Nothing confirmed at the moment! If I could get those fics I have haunting me in my Google Docs to wander past small blurbs and vague plot ideas, that’d be wonderful. I’ll write fanfiction in this fandom as long as I’m inspired.

10. Do you have any advice for other writers in the fandom?

WRITE. FOR. YOU. Look at that again, read it over and over until it’s ingrained deep in your mind and heart. Don’t write with the goal in mind to gain ‘x’ number of readers, and don’t write to measure up to anyone else. We as writers are our own worst critics and conspiracy theorists, and we will come up with a hundred different reasons to stop writing when we’re discouraged or frustrated, or compare ourselves to others and consider them leagues above us. It is so easy to talk ourselves in circles of why we should quit because of whatever reasons we’ve decided on in that precise moment, but you know what? If you write, you started for a reason. It gave you feelings you’d never experienced before and wanted to chase so hard that they drove you to write something that came from your mind, your heart, your fingertips. Do you realize how extraordinary that is?

Nothing you write will ever mean much if you don’t write it for you. You can’t love to do this and pour your heart into your words if they aren’t ones that mean something to you. You are never going to please everyone that reads your writing, which is often a hard truth to swallow because we just want to be liked, and you will be by some! But it’s important that you write something you’ll be proud to attach your name to, because someone is going to be very pleased with it, but most importantly, you will be pleased with it. We grow and change as writers and so does our level of work, but looking back and cringing because maturity has made us better writers is not the same as looking back and cringing because what we wrote doesn’t reflect who we’ve been at any stage. Write to satisfy yourself at whatever place in life you’re in. No regrets when you look back.

11. What is your writing process like?

It very much depends on the project! One-shots are my bread and butter, and those are often things I can write in a breeze when I’m inspired. My one-shots are usually the lengthy type, more of a short-story packed into a smaller package, so writing them tends to go smoothest for me.

For my chaptered projects, or the ones that started as one-shots and turned into stories or series, it’s a slower process for me. I always have a general plot line and specific important moments in mind, but I’m not the outlining type at all - feels too stifling for me, and I like the freedom to adjust certain plot points when the process serves. If I’m full of inspiration and my life allows me the freedom to sit down and write away, I will! I’ve recently moved myself out of a life situation that was taking a lot of that creativity and peace of mind away from me, and I’m hoping to find my way back to some sort of constant stream of inspiration soon.

Author Specific:

1. Why would you say you’re more attuned to writing Liam and Niall out of all the boys? Would you ever write for Harry / Louis / Zayn?

Liam is the whole reason I wound up in this lovely mess. I became a fan of 1D’s music from the first album, but genuinely had no intention of going beyond that in terms of interest. I’d recently exited the Jonas Brothers fandom as a whole because the cattiness and pettiness of some fans was absolutely exhausting and I needed a break from fandom for a good while (or so I thought, as I eventually found myself neck-deep in the Big Time Rush fandom). Around 2013, though, Liam’s vocals, smile, and stage presence had me slowly turning into the eye emoji. And those who have known me for quite a while can probably recall the night in 2015 where I drank a lot of wine and looked at a lot of pictures of him on Tumblr and became a complete goner.

It took me a little bit to start writing about him, however. I’d been reading some 1D fic because a dear friend I’d met through JBFA had moved to writing 1D fic and I once told her I’d read Magic School Bus fanfiction if she wrote it, so I obviously followed her to 1DFF. As I became more interested in Liam, I started reading some Liam fics, trying to get a hang on his personality because at the time I wrote mainly OU and I love finding that authenticity. I also wanted to get a feel for writing characters who weren’t American, like I am. Eventually, I came up with some ideas, decided to get my feet wet, and started writing. I would say I’m attuned to writing Liam because in learning about him, I connected with him. I adore him as a person and an artist, and hardly anyone writes about him these days (which breaks my heart), so I continue to because he makes me happy and we could all use a little more Liam-centric stories in our lives.

As for Niall, I was blown away by the leaps and bounds of the growth of his vocal talent on Made in the A.M. He really shined on those songs for me, and when his solo career started rolling, I was mesmerized by the way he was going about it. Very deliberate with his choices, taking his time, warming everyone up to the magic he’d been possessing for years. I was floored by his magnetism both as a person and an artist, and it drew me to write about him. While it was completely unexpected because I’d been gone for Liam for quite some time, I don’t regret a single minute of it.

I would absolutely write for Harry, Zayn, or Louis if a story idea struck me. I actually started a Harry story that I stalled with big time because I scared myself out of confidence with the massiveness of writing a story with supernatural elements, but hey, maybe someday!

2. What is one moment from “Regarding Our Ghosts” that you never got to write but want to?

ROG, my OG baby! I’m unbelievably heartbroken that I haven’t been able to finish that fic, because it was a passion project, but it always holds such a solid place in my heart.

In the story, Liam and Lissie were meant to travel home to the UK to visit family for the winter holidays, while Nina and Macy went to see her mother, Noreen, for a few days around Christmas. Over the course of their time apart, I wanted to show how integrated their lives had started to become, with Lissie insisting that she and Liam buy presents for Macy and Nina to give when they returned, and Noreen inquiring after the father-and-daughter pair that Macy couldn’t stop talking about during their visit.

Once Liam returned, he was to drop by Nina’s to catch up with her and see if she needed some help with shoveling snow from the drive. There was a moment in which they laughed and joked and Liam’s laughter made Nina realize how much she’d missed him and it absolutely terrified her because she didn’t have the capacity to put a name to that feeling just yet. There’s a little snippet I wrote on an index card at the place where I used to tutor because it struck me mid-lesson, and I carried that index card in my wallet for years. It went:

He laughs, and oh—oh. His laugh. She missed his laugh. She missed this. She missed Liam.

The feeling settles low in the pit of her stomach, goopy and sweet, and she doesn’t know what to make of it. In her mind, there are little compartments where she sorts out her thoughts and emotions, and as she tries to sort this—that she missed Liam—she can’t. She doesn’t know where to put it.

So she lets it churn in her gut, thickening like a rue, until she can make up her mind.

It was such an important moment for them - a turning point, for Nina at least, realizing that this man she and her daughter had come to rely on in certain ways could be more than just a friend to her. That her feelings could be stronger, and she could maybe feel something for someone again after convincing herself she’d be happy alone if that’s what was meant for her.

Man, I miss that story something fierce, but it stays with me every day.

3. What is one thing you wish you would’ve known before you started writing 1d fic?

That I would get in this deep. Ha. No, honestly, I’m glad that I didn’t have any expectations going in. That’s the best. You learn as you go. Similar to my time writing Jonas Brothers fic, I’ve built some pretty great friendships that I never would have if I hadn’t started writing 1D fic. I even made connections with people who read my Jonas Brothers fanfics but we’d never spoken until I started reading and writing 1D fic!

I’m grateful for the people this has brought into my life, and the opportunity I’ve had to go into this fandom and spend more time honing my craft and getting to shine a light on people of color in my stories, black women specifically. We are so often missing from fiction and that is true from the fanfiction world to the romance novels I read, but our stories are so important and real and as needed as everyone else’s, so I am excited beyond belief that I’ve been able to create several black female characters that have reached out and touched readers of all kinds. I’ve also been able to connect to other authors of color who, like me, write about people who look and think and live like them, and the sense of being seen as a person of color is overwhelming. I hope to see more of it in the future.

4. Who has been your favorite OFC to write? Why?

I’m gonna cheat a bit here because it’s a three-way toss-up between Georgia, Rolly, and Teyana.

Georgia means the world to me because in my previous fandom, I wrote a lot of white OFCs because that was just...what I saw and experienced, and to be honest, I didn’t really think about it much at first. Writing white characters was the “norm”. After a while, I noticed that in seeking out characters who looked like me, I encountered a lot of storylines that featured racism as a conflict between x Jonas Brother’s family and the OFC. It was hard to find stories in which characters were just human beings who happened to be black and faced conflict that had nothing to do with their race. So, I decided to write a story in which that was the case. It opened up my eyes to what I’d been failing to focus on, something that became super important to me the more I reflected on it: seeing black characters represented realistically and in a positive light in fanfiction.

When I eventually came to write 1D fic, I made a very conscious choice to feature black women at the center of my stories, and Georgia was the first. Through her, I was able to show a successful black woman who had started a family with the man she loved, and I was able to showcase little moments of Georgia’s experiences as a black woman that Liam had to learn about, like why she wrapped her hair at night. It sounds like such a small thing, but that was big for me - I couldn’t recall ever seeing that in the writing I’d read thus far, a black woman wrapping her hair at night, so I wrote it. Soon, I had readers coming to me who could relate and said they hadn’t seen it, either. I’ve also had non-black readers who have expressed how much they like the fact that I write about black women, that they enjoy reading stories that focus on people of color. The whole experience has been so moving for me. It’s made me realize that I am not only doing something I love, but also doing something important.

Rolly Marshall is, in many ways, a reflection of me. I conjured her up when I was a few months into my first year of teaching and overwhelmed, tired, and frustrated beyond belief. She was an escape. I could channel all of the things I loved and dreaded about my job into her and her life, and it was like lifting a weight off my shoulders. Rolly loves her job, like I did, but her experience was one that I created to be more positive than the one I experienced, which has made it both easy and hard to write about her at times. But more than our mutual connection through education, I love Rolly because she feels so genuine to me. She’s awkward and kind-hearted and funny and a good friend to the people in her life. She’s just a good egg. I love her spirit and her humor and that’s a big part of what’s made her such a joy to write. I didn’t expect many people to latch on to her because how many people could really relate to a second grade teacher? To my great surprise, many.

Teyana surprised me with my attachment to her. She and Niall were meant to be a one-time thing, much like Liam and Georgia, but seeing as how those two turned into an eighteen-part thing PLUS a throwback mini-fic, I should’ve known better. It was while I was writing sangria on your lips that I found myself thinking about who Teyana was before she and Niall met. I couldn’t stop thinking about where she came from, building her past. She comes from a single parent home where her father raised her after her mom left. She carries scars from that, from the abandonment she felt when her mom moved on without so much as a single moment to look back. She clung to her Papi and his Cuban culture and grew up with the lessons he instilled in her, including one she taught herself from watching his heart break: that maybe there was no great “one” for her. But that changes when she meets Niall, who challenges everything she thought she could gain from a relationship. He’s truly a partner to her. He has a glimpse into what life is like when your parents aren’t together anymore, so he’s empathetic to what she feels in regards to her mom. He loves her unconditionally. He’s her match, and after years of convincing herself she may never find her match and she’ll be okay with that, Niall is a pleasant surprise, and honestly, he restores her faith in love. She learns she doesn’t need anyone else to make her life complete - her Papi raised her to find that completion all on her own - but having someone to share her life with is a pleasure she’s more than grateful to have.

5. Which one of your fic boys was your favorite to write? Why?

Different Strokes Liam has been my all-time favorite. He’s driven and passionate about his work, completely committed to his family, and there’s a warmth, humor, and sexiness to him that has made him so much fun to write since I began. I love that I can paint him as a complete and utter sop in one piece, a classic romantic in another, and a confident master of seduction in the next. He’s confident and often sure of himself but not immune to insecurities. He’s got different facets, and I love getting to focus on each one at different times as the series shifts.

The Different Strokes series was something that spawned from what was supposed to be a stand-alone one-shot, but I found myself attached to the little family I built for Liam, Georgia, and their son Carter, and my mind expanded upon writing little snippets of them - glimpses of them as Carter grew, as their lives changed, as their family expanded. I am a big fan of established relationships, and I grew so attached to watching Liam mature and change as both a father and a husband. Liam in real life seems to have such a compassionate heart, and before he even became a father, I had a good feeling that he would be a great one and getting to write about him as both a father to his children and a partner to his wife has been such a joy. And with Checkpoints, my mini-fic in the series, I’ve been able to go back to when he and Georgia first met and began seeing each other and it’s been nothing but fun to write!

If not for DS Liam, I wouldn’t have fallen as in love with writing 1D fic as I have, so I am grateful every day for the opportunity I’ve had to expand upon his character and the incredible life he’s built for himself. Writing him has led to writing many other projects that I adore, and I can’t wait to see what’s next for me as a writer.

#aom #march aom #1dcraftawards #1dff

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bobbystompy · 5 years ago

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My Top 75 Songs Of 2019

Previously: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

First time going below 100 songs since 2015, and I cannot wait. Giving this extra juice already.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

This is usually the part where I put up a pump up video, but we are going with something a little different this year.

youtube

(It was stuck my head. Blame Blink-155.)

75) YG - “In The Dark”

The video begins with YG chugging a full tequila bottle -- sure. This song is very bad. It’s like he’s in a competition to make the verse lyrics worse than the chorus lyrics (spoiler alert: the verses “win”); not even satanic imagery can save this.

74) Solange - “Stay Flo”

Here’s a weird take: wouldn’t Solange’s career be way more fun if everyone slept on her? Instead, it’s hype on hype -- plus being Beyoncé’s sister -- which makes it nearly impossible to deliver. This has a fun beat/vibe but is kinda boring... and was still easily my favorite off her album.

73) Art Alexakis - “The Hot Water Test”

My doctors told me that I had a disease / I will slowly fall apart until there’s nothing left that looks like me

This song makes the stakes clear immediately. It was released a few months after I saw Art play in June 2019 on my birthday. At the intimate show, he revealed his multiple sclerosis diagnosis as if we were all his closest friends. Something like this is never easy to deal with -- a similar announcement by the Lucky Boys Confusion singer did not help matters -- but music can help such a painful situation, and it’s clearly Alexakis’ exile here.

72) The Cranberries - “In The End”

A very suitable sendoff for the band following the passing of singer Dolores O’Riordan. The recording story (via NPR):

O'Riordan died suddenly in January 2018 at 46 years old and left behind the vocal tracks to what was intended to be the band's latest album. Now, O'Riordan's bandmates have decided to complete that album, In The End — the last album the band will release — in her memory.

[...]

In June 2017, O'Riordan and Hogan started emailing album ideas and demos back and forth to each other. O'Riordan had been very open about her struggles with mental health and addiction, which would affect the band at times, but they wanted to make a new album. Hogan says that when they were emailing those demos, she was in a good place. They started laying down her demos.

"All of that was kind of behind her," Hogan says. "She's kind of found a way to cope with the mental health thing. That's why she wanted to write so much. That's what she kept saying, 'I have so much to say, I just need the music to put it to.' "

Hogan says O'Riordan's apparent stability is what made her death even more tragic and devastating. (Officials ruled O'Riordan's cause of death to be accidental drowning due to alcohol intoxication.) But after a period of mourning, the remaining band members remembered they still had O'Riordan's demos. As Hogan remembers, they finally had the courage to start listening to them again in late February and, with her family's permission, started recording in April. "We spoke to her family and said, 'Look, how do you feel about us finishing the album?' And they were really supportive," Lawler says. "They were delighted, actually. They gave us their blessing."

Hogan says, in a sense, they were used to O'Riordan not being in the studio when they recorded — "Dolores hated hanging around the studio once we worked on our parts" — but, of course, this time was different.

71) Raleigh Ritchie - “Time In A Tree”

Exercise time. Play the first minute or so of this song without looking at any YouTube visuals.

/waits for you

OK, who are you picturing singing this? Got your image?

Well, whatever it was, you’re wrong -- it’s GREY WORM HIMSELF.

This was the best thing about “Game of Thrones” in 2019, sadly.

70) Culture Abuse - “Goo”

Simple, effective, gets out before you can dislike much.

69) Lil Pump f/ Lil Wayne - “Be Like Me”

Sometimes, a song starts, and you can just tell it’s going to be ignorant. Even before the vocals kick in. This was probably our moment here:

Between that and the beat, it’s like the only thing you can think is “Ohhhh, he’s about to say some horrible things about women.”

Other choice lines:

- “Yes, I’m hella ignorant, I don’t give a fuck” (he even says it in the song)

- “I take drugs like it’s Vitamin C / I’m a millionaire, but I don’t know how to read”

This song almost feels like it existed already.

68) The Get Up Kids - “Satellite”

Finally, our first rock song with some punch. This probably takes the crown from both DMB and P.O.D.

67) Bad Religion - “My Sanity”

BR is historically my favorite band, so it is rather deflating to see them so far back on this list. That said, it is Year 40 (!!!) of their existence, so some can be forgiven. Yet... we’ve never needed them more, you know? It’s this weird mixture of resentment but understanding.

66) Billy Liar - “The Righteous & The Rats”

Gonna see him (them?) open for The Bombpops in March; looks quite promising. Has an old school Brit punk feel.

65) Beach Slang - “AAA”

Beach Slang never lets you forget they love -- no, like, LOVE -- The Replacements. When this cover dropped, I googled “replacements AAA”, and, surprisingly, nothing came up.

Ohhh, what I fool I was. After more digging, I discovered a band called Grandpaboy who performed “AAA”.

“Oh, damn -- he finally went outside the box with this pick.”

No. Grandpaboy is fronted by Paul Westerberg. Singer of, you guessed it, The Replacements.

James Alex wears his heart on his sleeve so hard, he might as well give the heart a little jacket so his heart can wear its own heart on its sleeve.

HE DID THAT TOO?!

You can’t even make jokes about this band; they live in the jokes with their damn earnestness.

64) Gesaffelstein & The Weeknd - “Lost In The Fire”

Even lesser known Weeknd-involved tracks sound like they could lead a soundtrack or close out a festival. Are you familiar with this one at all? It has 87 million views on YouTube. Abel is never not not playing.

63) FIDLAR - “By Myself”

Started from the bottom and I’m still at the bottom

Falling apart never felt so carefree and burdenless.

62) Constant Elevation - “Fuck Runnin”

As hardcore punk as this list is gonna get. All glory to Vinnie Caruana. Though none of his solo tracks from 2019 made it, this has an undeniable energy and confidence. Plus probably the best song title of the year.

61) Maren Morris f/ Brandi Carlile - “Common”

A focused duet that drills into relationship dynamics before throwing a personal theology wrench in the middle of the chorus.

60) Anti-Flag - “Christian Nationalist”

AF going in on the white, religious right. This is like throwing a 50 mph pitch to -- /looks up good baseball players -- Pete Alonso.

59) Cokie The Clown - “Punk Rock Saved My Life”

This is less of a song and more of a confessional essay, and it gets harder and harder to look away with every revealing detail. If NOFX’s Fat Mike needed this character as a vehicle to get all of these autobiographical details off his chest, hopefully it’s a helpful therapy.

58) White Reaper - “Might Be Right”

“Judy French” is such an untoppable song, but “Might Be Right” has a similar dynamic.

57) Denzel Curry - “RICKY”

Denzel Curry as a rap moniker is such a slam dunk.

/looks up actual name

!!!

56) Ariana Grande - “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”

It takes a special kind of hot girl twisted to issue this unflinching request while totally pulling it off.

55) Goody Grace f/ blink-182 - “Scumbag”

Not sure if Goody is a Soundcloud rapper, punk rocker, or some kinda emo hybrid of both.

A few asides:

- Have we ever -- ever -- heard Travis Barker this subdued on drums?

- On the Blink-155 podcast, Goody said he gave Tom from the Plain White T’s a songwriting credit because he unintentionally lifted some melodies from “Hey There Delilah”, but... I really don’t hear it at all; like, it sounds maybe in the same key but not much else?

54) Jonas Brothers - “Sucker”

Despite their popularity in the past, I do not think I could name a single JoBros song. That changed in 2019 with this poppy, light, clappy, Maroon 5-style single.

53) Goo Goo Dolls - “Money, Fame & Fortune”

Someone -- coulda sworn it was Brendan Kelly -- said this was Goo Goo Dolls sounding like Fake Problems, and that is spot on.

52) AJJ - “A Poem”

A poem is song that no one cares about

This short, folky tune led to one of my favorite Twitter exchanges of the year, when I reached out to a music journalist with a question and AJJ came flying off the top rope.

51) DaBaby - “Suge”

This song is fun, but I really don’t get it. Beat is cool, flow is fine... this is the new face of hip-hop? His name is DaBaby! What are we doing here?!

50) Laura Stevenson - “Jesus, Etc.”

Taking a classic and doing it full justice/adding some harmonies.

49) blink-182 - “Not Another Christmas Song”

Blink’s 2019 album “Nine” was very, very bad because it tried too hard and was not good. This song, released later in the year, takes an opposite approach and actually works. We get lyrics that are discontent, even clumsy at times -- the “I miss fucking in the rain” line is so out of place/cringe-y but actually feels real and not workshopped by 10 producers. The trio can hopefully use this better b-side to figure out the best songwriting should flow out of you without having to go through multiple stations on a conveyor belt first.

48) Dave Hause - “Eye Aye I”

This song has a lot I love (catchy chorus, wistful thoughts, hairline analyses) and a lot I don’t (genuine use of the word “old bores”, Van Halen getting respect), but one thing is clear: Dave Hause is in complete control.

47) Beck - “Up All Night”

I’ve casually followed Beck’s entire career and would not have guessed this was him if given 100 chances. As an exercise, I’m going to pull up the 2020 Coachella lineup and randomly point to an artist.

/pulls up lineup and points

I got Daniel Caesar. If you told me this was Daniel Caesar, that would probably make more sense here.

46) Shawn Mendes - “If I Can’t Have You”

Randomly came into Shawn Mendes tickets in 2019, and good gracious, that was something. Other than parents, we were the oldest people there by a lot. Getting to watch thousands of teens and preteens legitimately having the best moment of their lives was downright inspiring. When you’re that young, it’s not even hyperbole. Phones were flagrantly out; I’m talking 20+ minutes of straight video being filmed. I wanted to judge so badly, but if you gave me an iPhone at my first concert when I was 14, who the hell knows how egregious my behavior would’ve been. As fun as the whole experience was, I never wanted to be in a grimy punk club more. Sometimes, leaving your comfort zone makes you appreciate your home base more.

This is a rock solid pop song, but there are way too many you/you rhymes to not penalize it some.

45) Big Thief - “Cattails”

The whitest song you will ever hear that isn’t written by Vampire Weekend.

44) Bayside - “Prayers”

Bayside went super metal with their 2019 release “Interrobang” (such a sick name). So yes, the guitars are a touch harder than you might be used to, but the chorus soars; a great hook transcends genre.

43) Naughty Boy & Mike Posner - “Live Before I Die”

Few had as interesting of a year as Mike Posner. Following a breakup, the death of his father, and the death of Avicii, he decided to walk across the United States of America. He legit became Forrest Gump, right down to the beard and grown out hair.

In the video, you can see how a snakebite hospitalized him and almost derailed the whole trek. After a rehabilitation period where he almost lost his leg, our man finally makes it to the Pacific Ocean. If nothing else, watch for the ending -- it’s exhilarating.

42) Post Malone - “Wow.”

Post is flexing in this one; we’ve got slow motion jamming with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, international flights, a dancing beard guy, and a Fall Out Boy name check which really makes them sound cooler than they are now.

41) Bryce Vine f/ YG - “La La Land”

Sometimes, these summertime Cali songs write themselves. That is until YG comes in and flips over the board before you can finish the game. By the time the Coachella reference is dropped when Bryce comes back in, you realize 1:47 may have actually been a better endpoint for the song than its 2:47 length.

40) David Rokos - “Backseat Drives”

It’s winter in Chicago, again and until forever. If you haven’t been to the Jewel in the South Loop or Marshall Field’s before they changed it, just listen to this so you don’t actually have to.

39) Simple Creatures - “Drug”

Mark Hoppus and the dude from All Time Low give us this synth-pop bop that feels like the duo shooting their shot at a real mainstream pop hits. It didn’t quite get there, but they should feel OK about where it landed.

38) Chris Cresswell - “To The Wind”

My interest in The Flatliners ramped up considerably in 2019, as their near decade old record “Cavalcade” got plenty of spins (peep “Filthy Habits”; just stunningly incredible punk). Though they did not release anything this year, their singer put out “To The Wind”, a longing song about missing someone.

37) Kesha f/ Big Freedia - “Raising Hell”

Kesha, with the help of New Orleans’ Big Freedia, gives us another one. I’ve personally dug Kesha for a while now, but when is it time for us as a society to put her into the all-time conversation for pop artists? She has at least, like, seven HOF certifiable bangers. Plus she kills a guy in this music video.

In conclusion, I think this could translate to a country song very easily.

36) No Lenox - “Marquee”

Illinois/Japan’s No Lenox are back with Reuben Baird on the mixer and legendary masterer Collin Jordan (of The Boiler Room) on the, well, master, and the fullness in sound leads to the assault that is the “I saw your name on the marquee / Your friends were milling around outside” part. They only play it once, but I really could’ve gone for closer to five.

35) Red City Radio - “Love A Liar”

Rapid fire Red City Radio gets this one done in exactly 120 seconds.

34) Barely March - “Lead Single”

This sounds like Joyce Manor turned up to a 17 out of 10 before unexpectedly turning into a hellogoodbye song.

33) New Lenox - “Old Words”

Not a typo from two songs ago -- legitimately a different band. This one was written by your boy. The first 15 seconds were from a demo recorded 1/2/16 before developing the rest in 2019 (after some encouragement). We have Dave Rokos on guitar/bass, Dave Hernandez on hums, and Brian Bedford on some very temporary sleigh bells. Themes: online dating, resolutions, exes, currents, Black Wednesday, hope, and Carly Rae Jepsen stage banter.

32) MakeWar - “Sails”

Honey, I can’t make it on my own

You might get some Gaslight Anthem vibes as the vocals come in, but by the time the song ends, MakeWar leaves their own imprint on this impassioned ballad.

31) Sheryl Crow & Johnny Cash - “Redemption Day”

Was gonna say Johnny’s voice could move mountains before realizing no, Johnny’s voice is the mountains.

30) American Football f/ Hayley Williams - “Uncomfortably Numb”

Sensitivity deprived I can't feel a thing inside I blamed my father in my youth Now as a father, I blame the booze

An unlikely collaboration that makes you forget about its unlikeliness by the two minute mark. The two voices trade spots, mesh, harmonize, and weave throughout this beautiful song.

Asides:

- Blake from “Workaholics” in the video?!

- Choose to interpret this song’s title as a Pink Floyd diss

- “I’ll make new friends in the ambulance” should be a 2005-level emo lyric that we all mock, yet it’s somehow one of the most stunningly appropriate closers of the entire year

- I wish my friend Luke was with us to hear it

29) Stuck Out Here - “Embarrass You”

Stuck Out Here got onto my radar with 2014′s amazingly named “Getting Used To Feeling Like Shit”. Five years later, they’re back -- and not feeling much better. The Toronto quartet’s Bandcamp describes the song like this:

They’re fucking up, but unlike previous releases, they’re finally holding themselves accountable.

You can even kinda hear their Canadian accents in the “I’m sorry I embarrass you...” part.

28) The Weeknd - “Heartless”

The Weeknd will be on these lists as long as he continues to make music even 1/8th as good as this.

27) The Chainsmokers f/ blink-182 - “P.S. I Hope You’re Happy��

A simple song that’s a touch more clever than you first realize. The Chainsmokers guy is giving me some real Owl City vibes. Also, how airtight of an apology is the line “I blame myself for when I was someone else”. It’s like the modern way of saying “When I was a child, I spoke like a child”.

Also also, the “I will find a way somehow...” harmony in the pre-chorus is as pretty as music got in 2019. The Chainsmokers are so sonically pleasing, whether you end up liking the music or not.

26) Vampire Weekend - “Harmony Hall”

ooooooooh, that crisp guitar in the intro

25) Alex Lahey - “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself”

If Carly Rae Jepsen can get a sword, why can’t Alex Lahey get a god damn saxophone? HIT ME.

That solo, combined with the “Mighty Ducks” reference in the chorus, make this song untouchable.

24) Lizzo - “Truth Hurts”

Let’s be clear: this did drop in 2017 but was technically re-released in 2019, so it does qualify for our list despite the criteria threatening timeline. Anyway.

The walking piano part, the iconic intro line (with a lawsuit!), the Minnesota Vikings reference (causing a Green Bay radio edit), and all of the damn positivity. Lizzo was among music’s big winners this year, and her success made you wonder how the hell someone this talented was slept on for those two years.

Let’s end with the purse.

23) An Horse - “Ship Of Fools”

Awkward band name, but a song that makes you pay attention. Kinda like Tegan and Sara, had they stayed more rock. So much urgency in the vocals and lyrics.

22) Charli XCX f/ Lizzo - “Blame It On Your Love”

Trippy vid; Charli continues to give us anthems. Wasn’t super high on the Lizzo cameo, but it somehow made more sense in the context of said video.

21) Sincere Engineer - “Dragged Across The Finish Line”

Sincere Engineer is back -- you can tell from the second those guitar leads get goin’. Drums from 1:19 to 1:36 = /heart eyes emoji. My buddy Cox said his next tattoo very well could be the outro lyric “Too dumb to succeed, too honest to cheat”.

(Bonus fact: they did a beer collaboration/show with Pollyanna Brewing Company in 2019.)

20) Lil Nas X - “Old Town Road”

Was unwilling to listen when this first dropped solely because of how horrible Lil Nas X’s name is (”What if a rapper came out named ‘Lil Jay-Z X’?!”)... what a foolish notion. One billion streams and a Billy Cyrus cameo later, I wouldn’t have been able to miss out on the Song of the Summer (and year) if I tried. More notes:

- Picked this because I had to, but “Panini” is legit good (200+ million streams)

- Went with the original (sorry, Billy), which is a beautiful 1:53 long (brevity, brevity, brevity)

- Did you know: Lil Nas X uses a Nine Inch Nails sample on the beat? This Rolling Stone interview with Trent Reznor is super interesting

Reznor calls “Old Town Road” “undeniably hooky,” but once it exploded, he took a back seat to the phenomenon. “The reason I haven’t stepped in to comment anything about it is, I don’t feel it’s my place to play any kind of social critic to that,” he says. “It was a material that was used in a significant way and it turned into something that became something else, and those guys should be the ones the spotlight is on…. They asked if I wanted to do a cameo in the video, and it was flattering, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to shine a light on me for that. I say that with complete respect.”

Still, Reznor is amazed at how the song became a juggernaut. “Having been listed on the credits of the all-time, Number One whatever-the-fuck-it-is wasn’t something…I didn’t see that one coming,” he says. “But the world is full of weird things that happen like that. It’s flattering. But I don’t feel it’s for me to step in there and pat myself on the back for that.”

19) Gryffin & Carly Rae Jepsen - “OMG”

What doesn’t this little bop have? It’s kinda Chainsmoker-y and tingles like cool breath hitting the back of your neck.

18) Craig Finn - “Blankets”

You travel your whole life just to get out to the place you’re gonna die

I love everything about this song: the artwork, the intro, the climax, the command Craig Finn has from start to finish -- with such a payoff. Now several albums in, the greatest compliment we can give is that his solo stuff now feels more essential than Hold Steady releases*. You can even hear it in this line: “When we got to the Twin Cities / I said ‘Man, I know some songs about this place’”. Another life.

17) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Now That I Found You”

Carly always keeps us in the sky; picking one song was difficult because the album is even more fulfilling as you get to put the pieces together.

16) Billie Eilish - “Bad Guy”

Different genres*, but Billie Eilish lived up to her hype in the exact same way Lana Del Rey did in the earlier part of the decade. Lana said she was the gangster Nancy Sinatra and totally fucking was. Billie feels like something potentially even bigger. Nearly everything about her aura lets you project (or even second guess, if you’re a skeptic). Is she dead-eyed because she’s high or disaffected? Or just Aubrey Plaza? Is it her or her brother that’s pulling the strings? How can someone so young be so good already? In the skinny fashion era of All Achilles Everything, how is she rocking such loose fits?

“I never want the world to know everything about me. I mean that’s why I wear big baggy clothes,” she said. “Nobody can have an opinion because they haven’t seen what’s underneath.”

“Nobody can be like ‘Oh, she’s slim-thick, she’s not slim-thick, she’s got a flat ass, she’s got a fat ass,’” she continued. “No one can say any of that because they don’t know.”

It almost seems too easy, but how much sense does that make to you?

Great jokes aside, I have so much anticipation for what’s next, with assured belief in its potential. Pitchfork:

In 10 years, she will still be well under 30. Let’s hope the planet survives that long.

Yes.

(* - though not totally)

15) Ben Gibbard - “Filler”

Before you check Gibbard’s, please listen to the original by Minor Threat. That’s what he had to work with. From there, a total transformation while doing the near impossible -- keeping its beating heart.

14) Martha - “Wrestlemania VIII”

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Third favorite song title of the year/favorite music video of the year. This is energetic, bratty punk at its finest; also surprised to find out it was British, but, based on the upcoming tour dates and YouTube description...

This is a silly & frankly quite rubbish video but when you are a band trapped within surveillance capitalism's endless hunger for content trying to promote a tour sometimes things will be a silly & frankly quite rubbish.

I love them. Seriously didn’t even notice the accents in the singing until I knew to look for them; now, it’s all I can hear. Also, the part in the video where they finally show someone with an instrument, only he stops playing guitar halfway into the solo (/crying emoji).

THEY SAY ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDA

13) Chance The Rapper f/ Ben Gibbard - “Do You Remember”

Chance The Rapper dropped a one hour and 17 minute album in 2019 because he is a monster. I could not name three songs on it, but this one stood out big. It’s Chano doing what he does best: reminiscing and evoking summer in his city. Gibbard on the hook gives it that 2005 nostalgia while also making you say “Damn, it’s been nearly 15 years since 2005?!”

Fav two lines:

1) “Used to have obsession with the ‘27 Club’ / Now I'm turning 27, wanna make it to the 2070 club / Put the 27's down, Lord, give me a clean lung / Took the ring up out the box, I know this ain't no brief love”

2) “That summer left a couple tan lines / I love my city, they let me cut the line on the Dan Ryan”

(If you know, you know.)

Two more asides:

- If you Google “death cab for cutie”, the next autofill from there is “do you remember”. Rough for the legacy.

- “My daughter on the swing like the 2017 Cubs” is a line that confused me, but here’s how Genius explained it:

Chance is talking about a memorable summer and the things that made him happy. This line continues that theme when he raps about his daughter happily on a swing and how that’s similar to the 2017 Cubs. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series in 2016; therefore, the 2017 season was one of celebration and relaxation as the pressure of the 108 year drought was over.

12) Lana Del Rey - “The Greatest”

I miss Long Beach, and I miss you...

Listening to this song feels like watching the cement dry on a classic in real time. Lana Del Rey’s galactic “Norman Fucking Rockwell!” dominated lists at the end of 2019, and she -- to borrow her word -- fucking deserved it.

- The Beach Boys line is so god damn perfect

- The guitar solo (soooo sick)

- The breathy singing; the crooning; the notes that go up and then down until you’re surrounded by melody

- The perfection of this album name (minus the very iffy exclamation point) will have me comparing nearly any other all-time album title for probably the rest of our lives

- Tried playing this album during my Monday night pickup basketball run, and it very much failed... but that’s about the only thing it couldn’t do

- I’m told the dude with her on the album cover is Jack Nicholson’s grandson (named Duke Nicholson, because of course)

11) Off With Their Heads - “No Love”

If you do not like punk rock, this will be unlistenable. If you do, what a treat! I love how dissatisfied and put off he sounds, and, while there are a few more lively songs remaining on the list, none in 2019 got fast-tracked to my workout/pump up playlist at this speed.

Factoring in the band’s van accident (occurred after the release of this song), the “There’s nothing I could say that’s ever gonna make it right” outro becomes hauntingly clairvoyant.

10) Drake f/ Rick Ross - “Money In The Grave”

We need to face facts: it was a down year for stadium hip-hop. Nowhere on this list do you see Jay, Em, Kendrick, or Kanye (rest in peace). This was my favorite rap song of the year, and it couldn’t even crack the Top 5. Similar to his beloved Raptors -- who are being celebrated here -- it’s almost as if Drake needed some injuries outside his own locker room to get the crown. But I’m done being bummed, let’s focus on the good:

- Ohhhh, the intro (”I mean where. the fuck. should I. really even start?”)

- The way he says “grave” in the hook like he can barely contain

- The hook itself -- read it out loud: “When I die, put my money in the grave”

- How cool Ross sounds when he breaks in

- The Zion reference

The bad:

- Rarely take this angle, but really wouldn’t mind if it were longer

- Misogyny

9) PUP - “Bloody Mary, Kate And Ashley”

Second favorite song title of the year, 6/8 time signature, satanic references, drugs, hallucinations (maybe), and, yes, the Olsen twins.

8) Better Oblivion Community Center - “Sleepwalkin’”

“It’s impossible to count...”

The intro, as the tempo gets jarringly slower and slower, ironically helps you acclimate quicker. This Phoebe Bridgers/Conor Oberst collab was my No. 1 played track of 2019 (the album coming out in January definitely helped). The song builds to Phoebe’s solo part:

You like beer and chocolate I like setting off those bottle rockets We can never compromise But fighting 'til the death keeps us alive

It’s sung so well, you can almost feel the heat of the spotlight on her through the stereo. The lyrics could be anything.

The chill guitar solo takes us out.

7) AM Taxi - “Saint Jane”

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Adam Krier is such a rockstar, he had me shouting “I’m no hero, at best a zero!” within my fifth listen -- and I was skeptical as hell when I first heard the line. But that’s about where it stopped. You can tell this song is going to rip even before the vocals come in. When they do (”These fears don’t die, you get older and they multiply”), it’s just fucking time to go.

6) Taylor Swift - “Paper Rings”

My favorite pop song of 2019. Tay is firing on all cylinders; every lyric is exactly where it’s supposed to be; boppy and fun and sincere (while still being light-hearted). Still holding out minor hope it will be a single in 2020.

5) Pkew Pkew Pkew - “The Polynesian”

I’ve always said the best songs make you want to live the lyrics, whether they are positive or negative. This one had me researching “polynesian wisconsin” faster than I’m comfortable disclosing. And yes “bed bugs” and “needles” were both in the Top 7 recommended searches after those first two words.

Pkew Pkew Pkew collaborated with Craig Finn on some of their lyrics on 2019′s “Optimal Lifestyles”, and I’d be blown away if he doesn’t have fingerprints on this one -- the storytelling is pristine. Go into this open-minded, and I’d be shocked if you weren’t shouting the “Goatees, tall cans, camo pants, and Packers fans” mantra by the end.

Bonus story: this St. Patrick’s day in Chicago, I asked my friend Sara (Wisconsin native) if she’d ever stayed there, and she held up her elbow and showed me a scar from the hotel’s water slide. Your boy was over the moon.

4) Spanish Love Songs - “Losers”

It gets harder, doesn’t it?

Dylan Slocum has a way of not just writing depressing songs -- many lyricists are good at that -- but specifically depressing songs. This song contemplates death, homelessness, squandering your limited time on the planet, credit card debt, leeching off your parents because you have no other choice, crippling illness, and completely giving up because there genuinely is no other choice. The last lines are, without any hint of winking, “We’re mediocre. We’re losers. Forever.”

It’s wonderful.

Two straight Top 4 finishes for SLS; their 2020 album should be something special.

3) oso oso - “the view”

If Jade Lilitri is making personal progress in “microscopic strides”, you wouldn’t be able to tell by his songwriting. Every tune has a way of warming up your entire body and being. This grabs you, whether it’s the laid back guitar or the mismatched quick drums or the big ass chorus. While it came down to this one or “basking in the glow” (an actual single), the bridge here puts us over the top:

But not as much as the phone ringing Not as much playing my house Not as much as the way her goddamn voice sounds It's like taking in sun And then taking it back I fall into old habits I'm stepping over your cracks again

Her voice? This song.

2) The Menzingers - “Strangers Forever”

This song makes me want to rip up walls, sprint through streets with no destination, shred my lungs screaming off rooftops, bash hands drumming the steering wheel until my sprained fingers beg me to stop. It is such a perfect encapsulation of my favorite band of the decade and possibly of all-time.

Scranton’s sons gave me everything and more from 2010 through 2019, so it’s fitting they end so high here. This is probably the most clownable sentence of them all, but I am so constantly thankful I am alive to experience Greg Barnett’s songwriting. What he creates, I can only compare to the best books or movies or athletes or even personal relationships.

The way the guitar alternates in the headphones to start, the drums that go big and push the song along, the reverb vox that certainly could have less reverb, the “it is what it is”-style lyric of “My miserable memory’s making me more miserable”, the oceanic imagery, the quiet bridge that explodes into a final chorus. Barnett said the overall theme was inspired by Leo Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina”.

In it, the character Darya Alexandrovna learns of her husbands infidelity and declares: “Even if we remain in the same house, we are strangers — strangers forever!” The idea of becoming a stranger to someone you so intimately know stuck with me, and became the overarching narrative to this song. Dolly’s statement is definitive, but she also realizes the trappings of 19th century patriarchal Russian society. It’s a complex conundrum, and while lyrically I speak in the first person, this song exists in a world outside of my own personal experiences. I wanted to write about the finality of relationships that need to end this way. Strangers Forever.

My only gripe is I wish there were more. But I’m the same person who never wants them to stop.

1) Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

Only one song could make me fear missing the chance to be with the love of my life the same year I married her. As discussed in “The Polynesian”, the best songs have the consistent ability to put you in someone else’s shoes. You are either reliving something you personally experienced or maybe taking it all in for the first time. And that can be powerful -- especially dealing with anything big picture.

“Your New Old Apartment” launches me into 2009 without ever asking. Age: 23. My life was transient, I had no career, I didn’t even believe in marriage. I left my retail job in the Chicago suburbs for an unpaid newspaper internship in New Jersey. When I saw the people I loved, I always tried to make it count. Still do.

The descriptors and feeling are suffocating, right from the jump:

I only saw you a couple times last year Once at a wedding, once at a funeral I wore the same clothes to both, and I was worried you would notice ‘cause yours were impeccable

That’s me, then. Not knowing how to dress but hoping to get by anyway. I remember talking to my buddy P before buying my “work clothes” and learning you needed to match your shoes with your belt. Boyish adulthood.

The song continues, and the narrator is filled in on 5-year plans. It may be cliche to speak, but every current moment is simultaneously your youngest and oldest. Being in my early 30s now, it is so easy to scoff at anyone’s best laid plans, but I’m also the same cat who thought The Wonder Years’ “Jesus Christ, I’m 26 / All the people I graduated with / All have kids, all have wives, all have people who care if they come home at night” was life-defining, because I was the same age when that dropped, and it always hits the hardest when it’s all around you.

What I love about these lyrics are the careful observation mixed with mature-behind-his-years restraint. For a very long time in my life, I did not think I would get to be with my wife as anything more than a friend. When you are forced to come to terms with those potential realities, you must make concessions and convince yourself they’re OK. So when it’s revealed the narrator’s muse is married, he resigns himself to hopefully seeing the person more and at least being adjacent to the life they are living. It is tragic but still something. It is alternate hope in the hopeless.

I can picture myself listening to this song that wasn’t yet written while leaving a 2009 or 2010 or 2013 wedding and wishing I told her everything. But I wouldn’t have -- not then. I would have poured my heart out into a diary and quoted a line or three from this at the bottom. But that was then, this is now.

In 2019, her new old apartment will be my new old apartment, and that will never be lost on me.

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* * *

Bonus coverage. Since we are at the end of the decade, I rounded up our No. 1 song from each year and have that below:

2010: The Menzingers - “Time Tables” 2011: Jay-Z & Kanye West - “Gotta Have It” 2012: Carly Rae Jepsen - “Call Me Maybe” 2013: Kanye West - “On Sight” 2014: The Menzingers - “Where Your Heartache Exists” 2015: Big Sean f/ Kanye West - “All Your Fault” 2016: The Menzingers - “Lookers” 2017: The Menzingers - “After The Party” 2018: Horror Squad - “I Smoke The Blood” 2019: Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

* * *

It’s time to stop writing. Thank you so much for reading.

Spotify playlist is here, featuring 70 of the 75.

0 notes

jjkfire · 7 years ago

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get to know me tag!

thanks for the tag @jingukz :D ily

rules: answer 30 questions then tag 20 blogs you would like to know better.

1. nickname: idk i don’t have a nickname on here aha

2. gender: female

3. star sign: leo

4. height: 5′3″ i think? why can’t I be 5′5″ *sobs*

5. time: almost 4.30 am fml

6. birthday: soon!!!

7. favourite band(s): bts, all time low, simple plan

8. favourite solo artist: ed sheeran. i saw him live 2 years ago and i’m just still so in awe. he’s hands down the best performer i’ve seen like i mean he’s legit a one man show with that whole loop pedal thing.

9. song stuck in my head: mama by jonas blue ft william singe. it’s so catchy dammit

10. last movie watched: spoderman: homcumin

11. last show watched: game of thrones! man i legit have so many shows to catch up on

12. when did i create my blog: august last yearr

13. what do i post: fics and some videos some times. i’m still so salty about the fact that vine shut down shortly after i started getting into it.

14. last thing i googled: kota kinabalu bc i’ve been wanting to visit since forever but my parents are afraid of the militant/pirate groups that kidnap people from time to time…

15. do you have other blogs: yeh my personal blog that I made in like 2013 lol

16. do you get asks: once in a while (: tq to all you lovelies who stop by and take the time to send in an ask!

17. why did you choose your url: bc i love jungkook and fire was their latest single

18. following: 283 ayyy

19. followers: more than i’d ever thought i’d have. i love each and every one of you (’:

20. favourite colours: blue! all shades of blue

21. average hours of sleep: lately? not enough haha. i have eye bags the size of russia

22. lucky number: 7! guys if you ever come across one of those things where it’s like choose a number from 1-10!!! i bet i can guess it!!! don’t pick 7

23. instruments: the piano but like really basic shit bc i hated practicing as a child and my mum let me quit piano if i took up dance hahaha

24. what am i wearing: my jammies

25. how many blankets i sleep with: none as of right now bc it’s hot as balls and my air-conditioner is broken ): but when i’m back on campus and it’s winter, i sleep w this thick af blanket and wrap myself like a taco, not a burrito or else i’ll never leave my bed

26. dream job: idk a nice conglomerate that pays me well and sends me to nice countries for like 6 month stints for 2-3 years lol and then i come back and work my way up till the managerial level while still being able to do R&D. basically, I want to take smth from concept to product and see it being sold at supermarkets worldwide and make that bank

27. dream trip: greece & turkey! also norway or just scandinavia as a whole

28. favourite food: soz can’t answer this question bc it’s impossible to choose just one or even a few

29. nationality: malaysian!

30. favourite song now: Higher Brothers x Famous Dex - Made In China (Prod. Richie Souf). the beat is just p sick and catchy haha. lmao my friends found it through 88rising and we play this shit when we gettin hype before the club. my mandarin speaking fam… when they say ‘she lied, she lied’ tell me y’all don’t hear 一起来??? like before i saw the lyrics i legit thought that’s what they were sayin

don’t have 20 to tag but taggin @seoulscapes @bangtanroyalty @hijoonie @drquinzelharleen @letterstokook @fromthe-seoul

#tagged #this was actually kinda fun heh

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marisa-writes · 8 years ago

Note

7, 11, 21, 28 ☺

7) Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Ooh ooh ooh. Now, prose, I gotchu.

When he looks at Nina, though, hedoesn’t see any flash of recognition cross her features, or the knowing look ofpity that usually accompanies it and—it’s rather nice, not feeling known. Oftentimes, Liam feels like hecomes across as a walking wreck—as if all his cracks and bends are on fulldisplay, raw and exposed for all the world to see. Like his shoulders sag quitenoticeably under the weight of the metaphorical baggage he carries around, withLissie in tow. Like there’s a headline scrawled across his forehead in screamingink—‘Successful Pop Star Falls Off theGrid After Experiencing Personal Tragedy.’

I honestly want to fight myself for the way I’ve left Regarding Our Ghosts… hanging in the balance, because I still have so much love in my heart for it. Right now, it’s my constant “what if?” and I can’t seem to let it go.

I’ve had this little snippet saved as part of a teaser in my drafts for months and months and months, and it still remains one of my favorite bits of writing from this story. I love this Liam desperately - he’s been through a lot, and he’s vulnerable and trying to start over but he’s stuck in a rut, unsure of where to even start rebuilding his life again. This part really shines a light on that, on how he feels about himself and his life.

11) Is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?

Oh, passion, without a doubt. I love to write, and I know it’s something I’ll enjoy forever. I’ve done everything from writing prose to writing poetry and song lyrics as well. I felt so lost during those few years where I struggled to churn out much of anything because since I was thirteen, writing has been my strongest voice. I’ve always felt more comfortable expressing myself through the written word than I have verbally, so when I graduated from college and hit a slow patch (that turned into a writing drought), I was really upset. Writing has held me together in the times I’ve struggled hardest with depression and general life things, and without it, I felt like I’d lost I huge part of who I was.

I feel like we’ve all got stories to tell inside of us, and they’re not always our stories, but they’re stories we’re itching to put into our own words and share with others. I love it. I love being able to create characters and storylines I’m passionate about, and I love fanfiction because fandom has allowed me to connect to others who love writing the way I do, and that’s the best thing.

21) How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

Oh, man, too many. I’m a frequent editor. I edit while I write. I tend to write my pieces in Google Docs (because I’m constantly on the go), then copy/paste the first draft into a Word document to eventually save as a final copy. After that, I do another edit. When I’m ready to post, I do a couple final run-throughs to make sure I’ve caught any little mistakes. I’m literally editing all the way up until I click ‘post’.

I love to edit, but sometimes I think it hinders my writing progress, so I’m trying to get better at just writing and writing and then going back when I’ve finished to edit. It’s a hard habit to break.

28) Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

Ah, okay, more peeps (I’m cheating and squeezing in four):

@fromherlips Fran’s not like a regular fanfic writer; she’s a cool fanfic writer. Fran is pretty spesh because she is sunshine personified but with a definite demon streak. I love Fran’s prose because she’s able to tell such different stories with it - sometimes, there’s a lot of humor, sometimes she’s aiming to rip your heart out, sometimes she’s trying to make you SCREAM because her portrayals of characters are just hot as hell, AND SOMETIMES IT’S ALL IN THE SAME STORY. Her writing reflects her well, I think - multifaceted and intriguing and well thought-out. She’s a master at plotting out her stories, something I am anything but, so I envy her.

Plus, plus, plus - Fran is crazy driven and passionate and so kind it knocks your socks off. She’s one of my favorite people to text about life things as well as pry for snippets of writing or torture with bits of mine. It’s funny - at first I couldn’t believe she wanted to talk to me because I thought she was ~so cool and I’m a big nerd, but as it turns out, we were both floating around the Jonas Brothers fanfic world years and years ago and she’d read my writing! Also also also she’s somehow become Giam’s biggest fan and I am so, so glad. She’s decided they’re her parents, which makes me her Nana Ris, and I can live with that.

@beggingforfics - Hannah is another blast from the past, in a way. A lot of people from JBFA eventually found their way to 1dff and Hannah was one of those people. Hannah read my first 1D one-shot and she was so sweet and supportive, and at some point or another she told me that she used to read my writing on JBFA and she also said some super gross nice things about my writing.

The thing is, Hannah is far better at prose than I probably ever will be. She’s got a knack for for adding great detail - just subtle things that make you stop and realize how very in tune she is with the characters she creates. She’s careful with her words in a way that makes me envious. Her imagery is spun in the most enchanting way, fully engrossing in a manner that leaves you wanting more and more and more. I always scroll really slowly while reading her things because I never want them to end. She is a natural born storyteller, I’m telling you.

@ YOU because there is humor in your writing that I just LOVE. It makes me laugh like you make me laugh, and I find that every one of your stories carries such a pleasant vibe and always makes me want to come back for more. Like, I was already getting into your writing when we started talking and I had a feeling I’d like you a lot simply from your icon pic, but the more we talked the more I realized we saw eye to eye on a lot of things.

I also really love the way you dive into your ideas headfirst. You have so many great, creative ideas and you ride the waves wherever they take you and I love, love, love it.

@abejas-fic - Brianne was one of the first people in this writing community (and another former JBFA girl) to welcome me and encourage me and that was so, so nice.Furthermore, her fic was one of the first I read on 1dff and her prose left me breathless. She told the stories of Liam and Thea with such delicacy and sweetness and the more I read, the more I wanted to write my own tale about Liam, too.

Everything I’ve read of Brianne’s stands out to me (but Silhouette Dreams and Burning Daylight will probably always always always be favorites of mine). I’m always taken with her works. She has great ideas and her writing is always honest and imaginative and I can’t ever get enough of it.

#gracias mi amiga #boricuamermaid #asks #about writing

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unrealshadowsss · 7 years ago

Text

Story

2000-2010

I was born on March 2000. I was always a quiet child. I liked to play alone and could spend a lot of time just doing that. I lived in an apartment with my parents. My dad has a truck and travels a lot, so he wasn’t always home. I have memories of me daydreaming at a young age.

When I was 6 I began primary school. I did very well at school, and the teacher always chose me to read aloud in school events, because I could read fairly well for my age. I didn’t have friends. At age 7 I entered second grade of primary school and still didn’t have friends. It didn’t bother me, it’s something I didn’t even think about. On the recesses I liked to walk around the whole school alone. I would start in one place, move through the school, and end up in the same place, it was like a circular movement. Then at the end of this school year, some girls from my class started talking me. They asked if they could borrow me a pencil, and I told them they could. After that, those girls started talking to me and wanted to be my friend. They said they had avoided me before because someone else had told them I was a bad person and they should stay away for me. So, from that moment on, I was friends with them. I remember there was this girl, and she was like the cutest and most popular girl in the class, and for some time I became sort of her best friend. But, I knew that I would be transferred to another school the next year, so I had to tell them we wouldn’t be together for too long.

In 2008 I moved to a house. I had my own room now, where no one could enter without knocking. and I began my third primary school year in the new school. At first I constantly asked my mom why she had to transfer me to another school. I’m not sure how much this feeling of missing my old school lasted, but it eventually stopped. I didn’t make any friends there, but it was something that didn’t bother me. I have a memory where I’m playing a video game and suddenly start feeling sad about that group of friends I left in the other school, and start crying.

Around this time we had a desktop computer at home which I eventually was allowed to have in my room, but I didn’t have an internet connection. I would play games such as GTA, Monkey Island 3, Motocross Madness 2, and others.I also remember that around this time there was a very popular website in Argentina, Fotolog, where people would upload their pictures. There was a subculture known as Floggers, they had a particular fashion style, you can search it on Google. Anyway, I wanted to have a profile on that website and start uploading my pictures and become popular. I started daydreaming about it. There were some famous people on the site who even went on to appear on TV, magazines, newspapers, etc. and I wanted to be like them (I cringe now when I think about it) So I created my own page, which nobody knew I had except my aunt who was a teenager at the time and used that site a lot. Then my mom found out I had one and was surprised, and my aunt told her she shouldn’t worry about it, because everyone had one. We didn’t talk about it again, but I kept thinking about being Fotolog famous. I wanted so badly to have my own photo camera and my own notebook. But I knew I wasn’t going to have it anytime soon.

In 2009 I started getting really into Disney celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, etc. I watched Disney TV shows a lot, and eventually I forgot about the flogger thing. When I was 9 I used to go an Internet café (they were popular at the time) and I searched information about those celebrities. I also played The Sims 2. When I first heard about The Sims (I think I was 8), I was fascinated by the concept, because that way I could put in the game what I imagined as my adult life, like what house I would have, how many children, etc. When I found out about it, I was going through a period in which I daydreamed a lot about my life as an adult. My cousin told me about the game, and we would discuss together what our adult life would be like, everything we would do.

I have a memory around this year of me sleeping in the same room as my mom. I had been watching a movie on TV and was daydreaming about it, and I was saying words aloud, as if I was talking to someone (not too loud but in a silent place they could be heard), and my mom asked who I was talking to. I think in that moment I understood I had to be more careful with acting out daydreams.

By late 2009 (I think it was around October), my cousin had his first Notebook computer, and also my aunt, and basically since they were all getting their own notebooks, I was supposed to be the next. So my parents bought me one. I didn’t have an internet connection in my house but my neighbours, which were my aunt and uncle, had one. So I had to go the room that was nearest the Wifi. What I did was basically search everything I could find about the bands I liked. I watched the concerts, video clips, etc. I even read fanfics. But I hid all these things from my parents. I don’t know why, I just felt like I had to. And they didn’t ask what I did on my computer.

I remember asking my mom if she could buy me the CD of one band, and she refused because she said she didn’t know their music. After that I sort of stopped asking my parents to buy me CDs or DVDs

.My cousin showed me some videos of songs translated into Spanish, and since that moment I started watching a lot of those videos. I think that was my first contact with the English language (except some video games that were only available in English and the usual English words you see everywhere) I would memorize the lyrics in Spanish but didn’t pay much attention to the English words at first. I learned how to make videos on Sony Vegas and made my own Youtube channel where I translated songs. They weren’t my own translations because at the time I didn’t really speak English, all I did was using some translations I found online. I didn’t show this channel to anyone but my cousin. But one day he decided to show one of my videos to my dad without my consent. I remember feeling embarrassed and betrayed in that moment, I don’t remember what my dad said but basically he didn’t like it very much.

I started talking to other fans online. Mostly it was people I met through Youtube. I created my own Facebook account that was dedicated only to those celebs. I also used Messenger to chat with people. My parents didn’t know any of this either, I don’t think they would have allowed it.

My parents didn’t know I liked all these bands and singers, and I didn’t know how to tell them. Believe it or not, this was a huge problem for me. I remember asking the people I talked to online, which were other fans, if their parents knew they liked those celebs, and how did they tell them. For everyone it was normal, but I didn’t know how they did it, how to tell them. I wanted to go to one of their concerts in Buenos Aires, but since my parents didn’t even know I was their fan, I couldn’t ask to go to a concert either. Looking back, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have allowed it.

I watched a lot of documentaries about my favorite celebs and interviews in Youtube. Gradually I started visting more websites in English. I used an online translator at first but soon, without realizing it, I had learned the language. I don’t really know how, but I guess, being so young, it was easy for me to learn new languages. I remember (around 2011) watching an interview without subtitles and thinking “wow, I can understand this” and realizing I no longer needed subtitles.

I had created a Twitter account, which I used during 2010-2011. There I could connect with other fans. And, once again, I hid all of this from my parents. I spent most of my time in my room in Twitter, and when I was not on Twitter I was serching more information about my idols in other websites.

I was a fan of a boyband, and one of the members started disappointing his fans. There were “bad” rumours, and I didn’t like any of that. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but I started feeling really bad, I got into a very bad state, where I had suicidal thoughts. All of that was caused by fanatism for the band and my daydreams. I guess I thought the guy was disappointing his fans and that conflictd with the idea of them being the best band, or at least, having very united and loving fans? I don’t know. In fact, to this day, I don’t really understand it. But I was feeling very bad. I’m not sure how much it lasted. I would listen to sad songs while pacing around my room, daydreaming and crying. I remember being at school crying, and no one cared. I remember being at school and thinking “if I had a gun right now, I’d kill myself” I saw no point in living anymore. I think I would have been capable of that if I had had a gun. Of course, I didn’t tell this to anyone, probably because I didn’t know how to explain it, or maybe I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone? I don’t remember, I don’t remember what my thoughts were about other people knowing about it, I think at the time I just assumed it was something I should deal with alone and telling others didn’t even cross my mind. Then it stopped. I simply stopped feeling that way.

I continued using my Twitter account, and I would spend a lot of time daydreaming about the band I liked. I basically imagined what their tours would be like, what they would say in their interviews, and things like that. I watched interviews from other people just to add to my inspiration. Let’s say I watched an interview. What I would do was just pause after every question and imagine what they (the members of the band I liked) would answer, things like that.

There was also a period where I wanted to be famous. So I imagined what a documentary about me would be like. But it wasn’t something very elaborate, more like random scenes about that documentary film. I also imagined being in a concert while listening to music with headphones and pacing around my room. I had planned I could become famous by uploading my videos singing to Youtube, sort of what Justin Bieber did. But then, at a certain age (when I was getting close to 11, I think) my daydreams stopped focusing on me as a celebrity, and started focusing only on other people.

I spent most of my time in my room with my notebook. I only left my room for eating, showering and going to school. My parents started worrying about this, but they didn’t really do anything to stop it. They would tell me it was bad for me to spend so much time on my PC, and I found that annoying. School was really easy, so I didn’t even have to do homework (maybe only once in a while) I learned how to torrent movies, music, etc.

I remember one time my computer had had some problems and I had to sent it for repairing. I tried to delete everything I had on my pc about my celebs, all the images, videos, etc. I just felt like I couldn’t show that. And I also remember one time where my mom saw my computer, I had to show it to her because it was broken, and there was a file of a concert I had downloaded on the desktop. I think it was a Madonna concert. I was panicking, because I didn’t want her to see it. I didn’t want her to know I downloaded things from the internet.

2011-2016

In 2011 I stopped caring about the Disney celebs I liked before, and started having an obsession with The Beatles. I think I discovered them when I found one of their movies, and then started investigating more about them. I had now found another band to daydream about. I listened to most of their albums, watched a ton of documentaries, and was always looking for information about them.

Around this time I also discovered Tumblr and made an account.I also discovered other rock and metal bands, but didn’t listen much to them, I only really cared about The Beatles.

There was also a period where I started getting really interested in astrology. I can’t really place this correctly in a timeline, but I think it was in 2011. I remember discovering bands like The Sex Pistols, and watching some documentaries about. Sid & Nancy was I movie I liked, and I daydreamed about it, I imagined myself in the place of a punk musician in the 70s. And I would pace around my room listening to some Sex Pistols songs.

During 2008-2011 I was pretty much alone in school, and didn’t really care about others. In 2011, I was in sixth grade, and I remember some people thought I was weird. In fact, some children said I talked and laughed alone, so they started calling me crazy. I had some teachers talk to my mom saying I had some sort of psychological problem, and that I should be taken to a psychiatrist. Why did they think that? Probably because of what the other children were saying about me talking alone, and because they saw I was always alone and didn’t show much interest in being with other children. One of the teachers told my mom “In the USA, children like that end up shooting schools” But my mom didn’t pay attention to them, she thought I was simply an introvert and they were exaggerating. I was probably so immersed in my daydreams that I made gestures or said some words corresponding to what I was daydreaming. I can understand people at that time thinking I was crazy, but I could distinguish perfectly between dreams and reality. My teacher’s comment about shooting schools is interesting, because I remember that at 11 I found out about the Columbine Massacre and watched a documentary about it. I daydreamed for some time about this, imagining myself in the place of someone who suffers bullying and shoots up a school with one of his friends. Of course, I would never really do that in real life, it was just something I daydreamed about.

I basically stopped talking to my cousin after 2010, because he had his own group of friends, and he was also 3 years older than me. He was very interested in music and in 2012 had his own band. In february of that year I went to his birthday. He was playing with his band. That day I saw a guy, the bassist, and thought he was good-looking. After that day I would sometimes think about the guy I saw, but I knew nothing about him. Then my birthday came, in March, and my cousin invited that guy. It was the first time I talked to him. Some days later I went to Facebook, which I never used because I preferred being in Twitter/Tumblr, and searched his profile. He posted a lot about himself, so I had an idea of what he was like. I started daydreaming about dating him, and forgot about my previous daydreams.

That guy was 16, so I knew that was a big age difference and it probably wouldn’t work, but I still hoped maybe it could happen. I knew I would be considered ridiculous if I said I was in love while being 12 years old, and that bothered me. And yet now, looking back, I think it was the only time I was actually in love with someone. I started seeing in Facebook not only his profile, but also basically anything related to my cousin’s group of friends. They were metalheads. I would see the photos of the concerts they went to, and imagined myself being with them. I wanted to belong to that group, but no one ever invited me to do anything. And I also knew my mom wouldn’t let me go to concerts, and wouldn’t want me to listen to that music, to wear those clothes, etc. I knew I couldn’t really be what I wanted to be.

So I spent 2012 daydreaming about being with those people and dating that guy. I remember in July of that year I was invited to go to a sort-of-concert where my cousin was playing with some people in another city. He was part of a music school, and it was the end-of-year concert, I think. I knew most of his friends would be there, including that guy, so I was excited to go. I went with my aunt.

None of his friends were there at first, but then I saw him arrive, just in time to see my cousin in the stage. He sat behind me. I wanted to see his face so badly (the only time I had seen him before that was in my birthday) but knew it would be too obvious if I stared at him. Then the song ended, he and another friend went to talk to my cousin. They decided to go to eat somewhere, and I wanted to go with them, but I wasn’t invited. I think they didn’t even talk to me. So, instead I had to go with my aunt to eat somewhere else. And meanwhile I was in the restaurant with my aunt, I would imagine I was there with the guy I liked, that we went out together to eat. We had dinner and then we headed back home.

I remember sitting in the car with my aunt, looking at the window and crying, crying because I knew I would never be with the guy I loved or with that group of friends, because I knew I would never be part of any of that. Maybe it was because I was too young, but I had tried to be invited, to be with them, but I was ignored. I hated the limitations of being 12, I didn’t like that I was considered so immature by everyone. Looking back, I think I actually had the mentality of someone who’s 14-15, I’m sure I would have gotten along with the group of friends, even if they were older than me.

The year ended, and in 2013 I started secondary school. At first, I didn’t have any friends and sat alone like always, but then a girl sat next to me and we started talking. We became friends, but we were never really close. She was my friend and the person I sat next to during 2013-2015. I remember thinking I was glad to have found someone who didn’t require me to go out with her or talk to her a lot. I think we saw each other outside school only like once or twice a year.

By the end of 2013 I stopped caring about the guy I liked. He changed and disappointed me, and I stopped caring about the rest (my cousin and all the group of friends). I had now discovered a new band, and I also started getting interested in languages. Russian was the language I wanted to become fluent in.

One day I was talking with my mom, and she mentioned I seemed to like learning languages, and asked if I didn’t want to learn a new language. I told her I did, and she mentioned she had always wanted learn Russian or German. Those were exactly the languages I wanted to study, so it was a bit surprising. We started looking for courses in our city, of both German and Russian. My dad said it didn’t make sense for me to study Russian, because it isn’t a popular or useful language here, meanwhile German is more popular. I felt like I couldn’t justify my desire to learn Russian, and ended up just choosing German, even thought I actually wanted Russian.

In 2014 I started going to German classes, and I studied Russian on the internet. Nobody knows I studied Russian because as I said, my parents don’t really know what I do on the internet. During 2014 and 2015 I had very good grades at school and in the German class. I was very motivated, I wanted to have the best grades, and could spend a lot of time studying.

I spent most of my 2016 summer holidays (December of 2015 to March of 2016) studying Russian. It had started to become like an obligation for me. I mean, I liked it and I knew it was not something I HAD to do, but I had the goal of becoming fluent, and so I felt like I needed to spend all of my time learning. If I spent much time doing anything else, I thought I was “wasting time” But I also couldn’t help getting distracted sometimes, and instead of all the time I could have dedicated to it, I only dedicated a few hours. Despite that I actually managed to learn a lot, I’m not fluent but I have a big vocabulary, I understand like 70% of what people say/what I read in most situations. If I had to speak or write, though, it’s much more difficult.

Around march of 2016 I decided to simply stop learning Russian. It was sad for me to stop, but I couldn’t see any use for it in my life, and it was very difficult to become fluent, especially because I had no one to practice with, and there aren’t many resources on the internet, at least not much compared to languages like German or French. It was very difficult, I was dedicating too much time to it and I thought I wouldn’t get anything from it because Russian isn’t such an important, and the only language I really needed was English. So I sort of gave up. And I remember feeling sad about this. In a way, I hated the fact that the Russian language wasn’t given as much of attention as other languages, and the fact that English is the lingua franca of the world.

In March of 2016 I started my fourth year of secondary school, and things changed. First of all, I now had to go to school in the morning (7 to 12 aprox.), and I discovered I really hate waking up early in the morning. Before that I went to school in the afternoon (13-18 pm) I wasn’t used to going to bed early (used to sleep at 12 or 1 am), and I think for most of that year I couldn’t go to bed early.

I also had new classmates now. Only 5 people from my previous class were there. This wasn’t a problem for me, I didn’t really care. I remember my friend talking about her expectation for this new class, if it would be better or not compared to the last, but I didn’t have any expectations, I thought I would feel the same in whatever class I went to, because people were always the same to me.

I now had to go to German class in the afternoon, and it was getting really difficult for me because when I got home from school all I wanted to do was sleep. So I started hating having to go to the class, and I wasn’t studying as hard as in 2014 (in 2015 I didn’t go to German classes because of schedule problems) I still did well, had good grades but lower than I used to.

I don’t know why but studying started to become really difficult for me. I couldn’t study for too long. I suddenly couldn’t understand how I used to be able to study for hours. It’s like in 2013-2015 I had an “alarm” that, whenever I remembered I needed to do something important, would make me stop focusing on any distractions and start studying. I started feeling that alarm no longer worked. It got to the point where I knew I had to do some important homework for the next day but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I still managed to get good grades, though. They were lower than in the previous years but still one of the best in my class. School here is quite easy, teachers give you a lot of opportunities to pass, and students aren’t expected to study much. So nobody realized how things had changed for me, I felt it was harder for me to concentrate, to study, but it didn’t reflect on my grades, and my family thought I was studying as always. My friend started hanging out with a guy and another girl of our class, and so we became a group of friends. I’m not sure when I started having the feeling of loneliness. Probably around July.

I remember going to my German classes and feeling like I wanted someone to be with me. I guess started to feel more distant from my classmates and my friends in the class. I knew that in July we would receive exchange students in our school, and I started daydreaming about it. At first, I imagined I would have a girl best friend who was an exchange student. I especially wanted her to be from Germany or Russia because I wanted to practice the languages I was learning. So I was very excited about it. I daydreamed more and more about having a best friend who understood me, someone I could really trust and like. Then the day came. An Italian girl and a French guy came to our school. The Italian girl went to my class (the 7th) and the French guy to the 1st. My first reaction to the guy was the he was really good-looking. And from the gir, well I was curious and wanted to get to know her more to see if we would become best friends or not.

The Italian girl became a part of my group of friends. In a way, I had gotten what I wanted, because I wanted any exchange student that came to the school to belong to my group of friends. It was with us that spent most of the time, she sat near us, and eventually ended up sitting next to me. At first it seemed like we were going to be great friends, but it never really happened. I think we spent some months sitting next to each other, I sometimes helped her, explained the meaning of words, etc. But our relationship never evolved. She knew I thought the French guy was cute, and soon my other friends found out. So we would often talked about it. I was never in love with him, though. I only thought he was good-looking and wanted to get to know him more, but, the more I found out about his personality, the less I liked him. For some time I tried to get an opportunity to talk to him, but it didn’t happened. We would sometimes see each other in recesses and we would greet each other because he knew I was the Italian girl’s friend.

Around this time (August) I started going to nightclubs for the first time. I never really felt any interest for it, but since I now had an Italian friend, and there was the French guy too, I wanted to start go, mostly because I felt curiosity of how they would react to the parties and stuff.

In October I went to the nightclub. My friends were supposed to go too. But they didn’t, I don’t remember exactly why, but they ended up not going. People usually make a party in someone’s house before going to the nightclub, so I went to the party, I knew there would be people from all of the 4th year classes from our school. When I got there, I was alone. There was no one from my class (I think I will call it division from now on, that’s how it’s called in Spanish. There are 7 different divisions for 4th year (16 year old) students) There were only people from other classes. But I found a girl that I knew from previous years and started talking to her. Then my classmates arrived, but they weren’t really the people I talked and, since my friends weren’t going to come, I decided to just stay with this girl.

Then the hour came to go to the nightclub. The girl and I called a taxi, most students went walking (the place was quite far, though, so it was a lot of walking) When we arrived to the nightclub, the girl met with a guy. I understood there that they were going to spend most of the time together. We entered, we were dancing and soon they started hugging and kissing. I felt kind of weird just standing there next to them (I wasn’t used to dancing, so at the time I would mostly just stand) while they were together, so I told the girl I would go buy some drinks. It was just a way of finding something to do and get out of the situation, not because I actually wanted a drink. So I went to the bar and there was a lot of people there, most of them men, so I knew I would have to wait there a lot.

All of the students were supposed to be able to get free drinks until 3 am, so I was expecting to get my drink for free. Then, as I was waiting, some guys started talking to me. It was full of guys, I was probably the only girl in there, so I was started to regret the decision of going to buy the drinks, but I was already there and decided to stay. A guy asked if he could buy a drink for me, I told them no and showed them the seal in my wrist (I’m not sure what’s the correct word for this in English) so he knew I was a student and could get my drinks for free. He went away. I really didn’t want to flirt with anyone, so I was really hoping that no guy would try to buy me a drink again. A lot of time passed, it was almost 3 am and there were still people before me to buy drinks. Then finally it was my turn. I asked the guy for a drink and he told me I could only get the free drinks in the bar that was upstairs. A guy was near me, he started talking to me and he offered to go with me to the bar upstairs. I accepted although I really wasn’t comfortable with the situation.

So we went upstairs but by the time I could ask for the drink, it was already 3 am. It was maybe 3:03 but the barman said no, I had to pay. I was kind of angry at this, how was I supposed to know I could only get the drinks upstairs. The guy used this situation to offer me the drink, and I accepted. I think I paid half the drink, though (I don’’t remember) It was not something I really wanted to do, but I didn’t want to reject the guy. Then he continued talking to me and kissed me. It was my first kiss ever. And, if I have to be honest, it was quite disgusting. I don’t if it is because he was a bad kisser, because I didn’t know how to kiss, because I didn’t like him/didn’t feel anything, but I really disliked the feeling of lip contact. It was nothing like I expected kissing to feel like. We continued talking for some time, but then I guess he got tired of me, said he was going to the bathroom and left. At first, I didn’t know what to expect, if he was actually going to come back or not. I waited for like maybe 20 minutes in the same place and then realized he was not coming back so just went downstairs again. Just to give you an idea, there are different floors in this nightclub and there’s people dancing in all of them, but the ground floor is an open place. There was a lot of people. I went to the ground floor, tried to dance for a while, but I was alone, and then another guy appeared and tried to kiss me. I accepted, and, again, I didn’t like it at all. The guy gave me his phone number but I never texted me. By this time I was already tired of being there, I didn’t like the music, I didn’t like anything at all and didn’t want any guys to keep flirting with me. So I asked my mom to pick me up, and left early. So, as you can see, it was a pretty bad experience.

Around this time I was quite obsessed with reading books, and learning about literary theory and philosophy. I basically transferred my obsession with learning Russian to an obsession with reading. I guess my desire to find someone grew more and more. I started daydreaming about finding a boyfriend, particularly.

2017

In January of 2017 I traveled to Brazil with my family. A part of me wished I would meet someone in that travel. It was another daydream, another fantasy. That didn’t happen. It was a nice trip, but I was getting kind of annoyed of being with my family, constantly having to go where they wanted to go. I really wished I could travel with a person I liked, just me and the guy I liked. I think it may have been around this time also that I started daydreaming frequently about having a family. Like, I imagined traveling with my children and my husband/boyfriend (in the future) And also imagined traveling with a boyfriend in a closer future/present. I felt quite limited, like I couldn’t go to the places I wanted to go.

I remember that, while being in a shopping, I saw they were selling a magazine about philosophy. It was in Portuguese, but I already knew some of the language and, since it’s similar to Spanish, I knew I could read it with the help of a dictionary. This was a time where I was very interested in learning about philosophy, so I really wanted to buy it, but I didn’t know how to tell this to my mom. I felt like my interest for philosophy couldn’t be justified. Of course, she didn’t know I spent a lot of time o the internet searching about philosophy or literature, she didn’t realize I had developed this new interest, except for the fact that I said I wanted to study Literature as a university career. So, I didn’t ask her to buy me the magazine. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to go to see more libraries, but every time was saw one, my mom and the others would say “what’s the point of seeing the books there if they’re all in Portuguese” They didn’t think that, maybe, I wanted to read books in Portuguese.

So during this travel I spent a lot of time parallely imagining in my head what it would have been like if I had travelled alone or with a S.O.

In February, before school started, there was another party in a nightclub. A party that students who had just entered the fifth and last year of high school went to. It’s supposed to be a celebration of the fact that you’re in the last year. I decided to go. But the only reason I wanted to go is because I had this crazy idea, this hope, that I would find the person I was looking for there. I even thought that I could wear a ring, that this would serve as a symbol for the other person to find me. And maybe he would wear one too, and we would find each other. Two people looking for each other. For a moment I believed it could happen. But I went to the nightclub, and it was a disappointment. I didn’t find anyone. Of course, no one was wearing the ring or any other symbol I had expected from the fantasy on my mind. It was dark, but I tried to see if I could recognize someone. How would I recognize him? Because he would also be looking for me. I planned that we would both separate a bit from other people, we would be alone for some minutes, and we would start looking at everyone in the party, and everyone else would be too focused on other things to notice, but we would be looking for each other. And we would recognize each other. That didn’t happen, another disappointment.

I also had the idea that I could maybe find this person in my school library. If we both were on the same school, then maybe we would both go to the library and could find each other there. That also didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because that person doesn’t exist. And I would soon learn that.

It was in 2017, I don’t remember exactly in what month, that I went to one of my friend’s house. Well, it was not actually his house, it was his aunt’s apartment but he was allowed to stay there alone for some time. Something I haven’t mentioned until now, is that my mom is a person that cares a lot about cleanliness. And I’m also this way. We have the custom of taking our shoes off at the door, we don’t wear the same shoes we wear in the street inside the house. And we also don’t have pets inside the house, because they would bring dirt into the house, and would shed hairs on the bed, sofa, etc. That’s how I live and that’s how I want to live always. But that’s very different from what people are used to where I’m from. Most people don’t take their shoes off, they don’t have any problems having their dogs/cats inside the house and sleeping with them.

So I went to the apartment, and this guy (like most people) has very different customs to the ones I grew up with. He took the blanket from his bed and placed on the floor. Then people walked on it with the same shoes they wear on the street. It was a bit disgusting to me to have sit on that (we were about to watch a movie and we were supposed to sit on the blanket) but I decided to ignore it. Then, when the time to sleep came, I was allowed to sleep in the bedroom. The bed was full of dog hair, which I also found uncomfortable. I didn’t want to sleep there, at that moment I wished I could have been at my home sleeping in my room, with my cleaning standards. But I couldn’t mention any of this to them, they wouldn’t understand, they were raised in a different way.

Then, at school, the conditions were really bad. The classrooms are dirty. This is something that has always bothered me, but it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else. If you take a white paper and rub it on the school benches, it comes out black from all the dirt the benches have. The chairs were also dirty. And people constantly placed their shoes on the chair, which, of course, made them dirtier. I’m probably the only one here who thinks it’s disgusting to place your dirty shoes on the chairs. But no one cares, everyone finds it normal. Then there’s also the problem of trash. People throw trash on the floor and don’t care about it. And the bathrooms are super dirty too.

I hated having to go everyday to such a dirty school. But no one else cared. I knew I was alone on this. And I had to pretend I didn’t notice, I had to pretend it didn’t bother me. The only person that understands what I feel is my mom, because she shares the same opinion, she raised me this way. The schools conditions in this city are terrible, and they will continue to be terrible if people don’t care about it. It’s not only the dirtiness and general bad conditions of the place, the quality of education is really bad, and students often misbehave. I saw classmates break chairs or benches just because they thought it was “fun”.

So all of this was very depressing to me, and I started wishing I could meet someone who had similar opinions to mine, someone I could rant to about the school conditions and that would actually agree with me. I daydreamed that I would find someone, meet someone at school, slowly start talking and realize we both thought the same. I dreamed about having the joy, the surpise, of finding someone similar to me, the feeling of having a “connection” with someone. Never happened. There is no one like me. I was alone. In my school, in my city and, probably, in the world. I could never relate to any of my classmates, to anyone I met. They were all so different to me.

I think it was around this time too, or maybe before, around 2016-early 2017- that I was feeling quite annoyed with my parents. My mom constantly yelled at me and it made me feel angry. For some time I wanted to live alone and become independent from my parents. I wanted to have the freedom of having my own money, being able to buy whatever I wanted, go to wherever I wanted, and not having to hear my parents’ complains. I wanted freedom.

Things started to get worse and worse for me, the idea of finding someone and having a family on the future, started to become stronger. I even had the idea of going to live somewhere on the countryside, isolated from everyone else, just with my husband and children. My idea of happiness was having a boyfriend that understood me, agreed with me, and raising my children.

In may of 2017 aprox. I started having joint pain. Then I was diagnosed with Lupus and started taking corticosteroids. I never cared about it, and I always thought it wasn’t Lupus because I didn’t have any of the symptoms except joint pain and hair loss. No rashes and it didn’t get worse with the sun.

On a day of September 2017 I went to a family reunion. I would sometimes daydream, when going to family reunions, that I took my boyfriend with me, I pictured being together with someone. That day my cousin and his girlfriend (they’re together since 2013) were present. I stayed there until late afternoon. Then I went back home. When I got back home, I started crying. That’s when it began. I realized nothing of what I was imagining was real, I was never going to meet that person, that person simply didn’t exist. There was no one for me, there was no one like me.

I tried searching on Facebook. I had once created a fake profile, I tried searching for other profiles similar to the one I had created. I wanted to think that maybe someone went trough similar experiences to mine and had also created an account like that. But had no succes. I tried going to Goodreads and seaching for the people online, but found no one from my city. I tried looking for clues, for signs that there was someone else looking for a person like me, someone who had gone through nearly the same. But no.

I’m an asexual person. I don’t feel sexual attractions towards anyone. I don’t understand the world’s obsession with sex, it’s something that made me feel even more alienated from everyone else. Most people seem to think that a relationship without sex is impossible, I’m tired of constantly hearing people talking about how important and great sex is. So, what are the possibilities of finding someone like that? Someone that also thinks this way but that wants to have a family. Someone that agrees with my views about cleanliness, that accepts living in a house in the same way I want to. The possibilities are really low.

I had believed I would find someone with the same mindset, someone I could feel a connection to, someone that I could trust enought to talk about my daydreams, someone with whom I could rant about the things that bothered and be validated. I dreamed about finding someone who would have (almost) the same opinions as me. What a fool I was.

Everything inside me sort of broke. I was probably never going to find the person, I would have to be forever surrounded by people I can’t relate to. What was the point of living?

In September I was told by my doctor that I didn’t have Lupus, that it was what they call a “phenomenon”, sort of like an isolated episode. So I stopped taking the medications and I haven’t seen her (the doctor) again. I still occasionally have joint pain but nothing too bad. This was after I had started having the suicidal thoughts.

When I’m with other people, I can’t help but notice how different our life experiences have been. Most people haven’t spent so much time on the internet. They don’t speak English, and that’s crazy to me, because I feel like it has been such an important part of my life. I’m always searching things in English, I have always resorted to Google to search and find more things about what I was thinking, about my daydreams, investigating about different things. I can’t imagine my life without doing this. And to think only very few people here know or use Reddit; I would constantly get results from Reddit when searching on Google. Not knowing about its existence sounds crazy to me. And yet most people don’t know about it. Most people don’t know about asexuality, daydreaming, and so many other concepts I learned from the internet. But when I see other people, I notice their experience with the internet is very different. They definitely didn’t experience what I did. They don’t understand. It’s not that I think it’s a bad thing that people can’t speak English or don’t know as much of the internet as I do. But it’s something that makes me sad, it makes it harder for me to relate to anyone.

Sometimes I think, how different all of my life would have been if I had met that person in 2016, for example. Everything would have been very different, I probably would have gotten more motivation to study, I would never had gotten into this amount of emotional pain, I wouldn’t even know the horrible feeling of loneliness. And I would be a happy person. But I didn’t get that. Sometimes when I see certain couples I feel a bit jealous, not in a bad sense; I’m happy for them, but I also feel sad that I don’t have that.

I just wanted to meet someone who was “on the same level” as mine. With this I don’t mean to say I’m on a higher level than other people, I’m talking about people who’ve had a similar life experience, someone that knows pretty much the same things I know, because they’ve also spent all that time on the internet, in the same way I did.

So, since September I entered a very bad mood. I became suicidal. Actually, after that day of family reunion where everything started, I stayed really sad for some days and then I recovered for 4 days. Yes, four days in which I thought “I will find that person, I don’t have to focus on that right now” and was feeling ok.

I thought the bad mood had been something temporary, I thought I could recover and feel “normal” again. But, on the fourth day, I woke up in the afternoon after a nap and was feeling a bit down. I went with my mom to a bookshop. I was reading Harry Potter at that moment, and I wanted to buy a Harry Potter coloring book and the 6th book too. I didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I thought my mom would ask why am I choosing the 6th one instead of the first, and I would have to explain I read the other books on the internet. And I didn’t like the idea of having to tell her I read books I download from the internet. It means admitting I have access to a lot of information. And, I don’t know, it makes me feel uncomfortable. There were also other books I liked; books about politics. But I felt like I was not allowed to buy those type of books, that I couldn’t justify my interest in them. I felt that my mom would probably say “why do you want to read THAT, what made you get interested in that” I started crying in the shop but I managed to control my tears so that my mom wouldn’t realize. When I got back home I was crying again, feeling suicidal again. And from that moment on, I don’t think I’ve recovered.

Since that moment, I’ve been suffering. There were days in which I cried SO, SO much. There was a period in which I cried almost during the whole day, from morning until the evening. I couldn’t tell anyone about my pain. They wouldn’t understand. If I tell them I feel lonely, they would probably just advice me to meet more people. But they don’t understand; my problem is I can’t find anyone I can relate to, I’m so different from everyone. Now, if I tell people that, they would probably think I’m exaggerating, that I’m trying to make myself look special or something like that. And there are things I couldn’t really say to anyone; there’s no one I trust enought to talk about certain things. My daydreams, for example. My asexuality, too. The cleanliness part (most people wouldn’t understand or would maybe get offended since they do all the things I consider dirty)

During these 3-4 months, I’ve been suicidal most of the time, I’ve suffered so much. I would cry and felt like I needed to scream. I would sort of scream silently, because I can’t let people hearing me screaming. I felt like I just wanted the world to be over, I wanted to never see that school again, I wanted everything to disappear. I was so tired of everything. So tired of the pain. So tired of the bad luck I had had, knowing I hated the world I was in. Almost 4 months of living like this. It feels like it has been more. After the extreme pain started in September, I’m not sure if I can say I’ve been “living”, I feel almost like I’m dead.

I started visiting subs like /depression or /suicidewatch. However, I could never really find anyone in a similar situation to mine, and that made me feel more alone and alienated. Even among the people who suffer, I was still alone on my suffering, it seemed. I could only relate to some things people posted there (suicidal thoughts and feelings of sadness, not wanting to hurt your parents), but there were so many other things I couldn’t relate to at all. I sometimes see people posting “sad memes” on Facebook. Or the “me_irl” memes on Reddit. Can’t relate to most of them either. Same in Tumblr, if I tried searching “sad”, most of the images/texts are not relatable.

I mentioned before that at one point I wanted to move out of my parent’s house and become independent. I thought that would make me happy. But then I found out that not even all that freedom would make me happy, it wouldn’t eliminate the feeling of loneliness, it wouldn’t eliminate all the pain. It would help maybe, to have more freedom, but not much.

They were months of pretending too. The only reason to keep living was my family. I wouldn’t want to hurt them. And, yet, I couldn’t tell my parents about it. I don’t have enough trust. As I said, they don’t know what I do on the internet, I never tell them; they know few things about me, actually. They have their own spiritual beliefs, they believe in reincarnation and that things happen to us because of karma. My dad says that if you fear something, it will manifest in your life. It’s basically The Law of Attraction. They both believe that you can heal illneses by positive thinking and more things like that. I don’t believe in any of that, and I also think the idea of karma and of The Law of Attraction are kind of contradictory, but I never tell them my true opinion because I wouldn’t want to argue with them, and I’m not sure if our relationship would be the same afterwards. I wished they thought differently. It’s not nice having to deal with your family having such differnt beliefs from yours. And I’m pretty sure if I told them I was having suicidal thoughts or told them about my problems they would probably come up with an explanation about how karma affects our life, and that everything happens for a reason. And also my dad looks down on suicidal people.

When I was at one of my worst moments, I tried imagining having to explain to my mom my pain and my suicidal thoughts. There are so many things I don’t think I could tell her. Me having suicidal thoughts at age 10, the fact that I don’t share the same beliefs at them, all I did on the internet plus the fact that I ended up talking to people online, my asexuality (I’m not sure if she would understand it, maybe she will think it’s not real or that it’s wrong). She would be shocked, and I don’t think I could ever be tell her. Same with my dad, but it’s actually more difficult to me to trust him, I’d rather tell my mom.

So I was trapped. I was suffering so much in life that I didn’t want to live anymore, but I also couldn’t die, I couldn’t do that to my family. What if I had to suffer during years without them ever finding out? Even if they did find out, they wouldn’t understand.

I used to think that I could talk about those things I can’t talk with my parents or anyone else (the daydreaming, the asexuality, my beliefs, everything I’m saying here basically) with the person I was looking for. That way I would never need to let my parents know about who I really am.

Sometimes I like to think that maybe in a few years there will be a person in a similar situation. Now that children grow up getting computers and phones at a such a young age. The chances of someone ending up on a similar situation are higher. Maybe. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe there is someone like me but that hasn’t gotten to the period I’m currently at. They haven’t yet discovered the feeling of loneliness, that’s why they’re not looking for someone else yet. I mean, in 2015 I still wasn’t aware of all of this feeling of loneliness and being different (I actually did feel it but not as strong as I would later on) I hadn’t yet posted any of this on Reddit, Tumblr or whatever, I didn’t look for anyone yet. Maybe there’s someone like that out there. Maybe. But probably not.

Sometimes I look at my (now ex) classmates, I look at all the other students, I look at all the people I know and think “I’m the only person here who’s gone through this, who’s experienced all that, I’m the only one who’s posted on subs /offmychest, /depression. Probably the only person in the whole city who has done this” And I just… I can’t believe it. What kind of horrible gene combination and life situations ended up making me like this? Why. Why did I have to be like this? Why can’t I be just like everybody else? All of them are happy, they like their school, not like me, most people my age just like to go out and drink and be with their friends, and they have no idea of the things I know/I’ve experienced, we’re basically in different worlds.

What if I actually found that person I was looking for and he/she dies? Wouldn’t I be destroyed, wouldn’t I feel lonely again? Should I really depend on someone else to be happy? But this is just a supposition, because I don’t even know that person. What if I managed to form a family and my children died? What if I died? They would be left without a mom. Life is a cruel thing, full of tragedies. Anything can end at any moment. How am I supposed to look at life as a good thing?

My parents already have their own problems and having their only child die would only make everything worse, I think. I don’t want them to suffer. My mom has frequent headaches and if she gets nervous then she gets physical symptoms. My parents argue with each other every now and then. My mom’s told me if she had enough money she would go live somewhere else away from my dad. But at the same time, I know that when they’re not fighting they do enjoy each other’s company, and I think she would maybe feel lonely if she truly went to live alone. I wished I could have enough money and give it to her so that she can live wherever she wants. But I can’t get a job, I’m pretty sure my parents would 100% prefer for me to study at university than to get a job. And yet I think studying is harder.

So all those thoughts ran through my head on December 26-28. The “why did I have to end up like this”, “why can’t I be like everyone else and make my parents happy”, “There’s no solution for me, I’m trapped” I was trapped because I was dying inside but I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else, there was no solution for me. I imagined trying to tell my cousin about it, also felt like I couldn’t do it. I imagined that, for whatever reason, I died. It made me sad. What would my family feel. I was tired of the feeling of hopelessness, tired of suffering so much, I just wanted it all to end.

Then on December 30 or 31, I don’t remember exactly, I started feeling I was on a higher mood than usual. I didn’t feel happy, but I was calmer. The intense pain and feeling of hopelessness and despair was gone. I’t’s January 3rd now and I’m still on this mood. It seems like it has been a bit longer. Every day feels like many days for me. I’m so grateful that I have the chance to feel calmer, even if my problems aren’t over. There are still things that bother me and tnat I worry about; the feeling of loneliness and of being different is not gone, it will continue there. And there’s the fact that it’s going to be very difficult to find someone compatible with me if I really want to form a family with someone. I’ll probably be single for a long time, if not single my whole life. Unless I meet someone I actually like and with whom things can work just fine. I don’t know, though. I still worry about all of these things, but at least it now doesn’t affect me much at an emotional level. I really don’t want to ever go back to the pain I felt, to the intense feeling of hopelessness and anguish, to all those hours of crying. I hope I don’t ever come back there. If I can stay in this mood, then maybe I can survive, I can continue with life. But on my previous state it was pure torture, I don’t think I could live like that for too long.

Now I don’t what is going to happen with my life. I feel that I’m living because I don’t want to kill myself. But is there any point in life? Can I ever be truly happy? Well, I should enjoy this moment of emotional peace and try to keep on living and see what happens. A scary thought recently occured to me: maybe I can’t have a fulfilling relationship with anyone, maybe I’m unable to have (true) friends or a couple. Maybe I’m just unable to be with people. Maybe I’m unable to truly be happy. Those thoughts threaten to send me into an episode of suffering again, but most of the time I feel calm, luckily. Calm but, also, in a way, lost. What will be of me? What am I doing? I don’t know, I hope the calmness continues, I hope I can feel an even higher mood, of course, I hope everything improves.

#story

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