#goodness gravy there's so many different ways to spell his name

[coffeeoverlord]

gak :-)

[robinofgothamcity]

♡ prompt: "Do you want me to hurt him?" / inspired by 'telephone' by lady gaga

♡ pairing: bart allen ( impulse ) x fem! reader

♡ note: not checked for grammar or spelling mistakes / my schedule is going to become more sporadic starting next week :/ i'm going to keep the warning up until next week.

"Bart, shut up," you said, jokingly pushing him. he laughed, handing you the ice cream, "what? I'm serious! I just think that mint chocolate is better. if you have just mint, it'll taste like toothpaste and if you have just chocolate, it's too sweet so mint chocolate is a good even ground," he explained.

you felt your phone vibrate as Jinny spoke up, talking about how Bart and Connor shared one brain cell outside of the field. looking down to see who was ringing you, you saw that it was your god forsaken boyfriend for the 100th time.

"oooo, who is that?" Bart asked, looking over to your phone. he read the wall of text you had received but you quickly shut your phone off, not bothering to read it, "you gonna answer that?" he asked, a small bit of jealousy bubbling up inside him.

"don't really feel like it," you quickly said, trying to remain off that topic. Bart, clearly annoyed, snatched your phone and put it in his pocket, "than let's forget about him, right?" he asked, putting on his annoyed fake smile.

Tim and Jinny saw the very irritated face Bart had and looked to each other as they shook their heads, "those two I swear," Jinny huffed out in annoyance. "more like ( your name )," he replied, "Bart could admit his feelings to her face and she still wouldn't do anything about that horrid boyfriend of hers."

the two of them stifled giggles from each other as they watched the two of you continue to flirt openly. it was no secret to anyone on the team. it was very clear to everyone on the YJ team, the Titans, even the JLA knew that the two of you liked each other....a lot but it was that stupid boyfriend of yours that got in the way of Bart ever truly expressing his feelings for you.

"what is everyone's plans after this?" you asked the team as they all murmured different answers, indicating that they were all busy. you sighed, trying not go straight up at the moment because you knew that you'd have to deal with your boyfriends calls when you got there, "I'll stay out with ya!" Bart replied as he saw the empty park bench.

you gave him a grin, "thanks Allen. you're a life saver," you exclaimed, waving everyone off goodbye. you walked to the bench, Bart following right behind you as Bart felt your phone ringing again.

there had been a scarce few times where you did call Bart with your boyfriend problems. it was usually late at night. probably inching near three in the morning when you called him sobbing, asking him if you deserved to go through the bullshit you were dealing with your boyfriend.

Bart always felt himself getting angry whenever he received those calls. you sounded so heartbroken, tired, and emotional. he was always there to help pick you back up but not even a few days later, you were back with him, telling Bart that your boyfriend needed you now more than ever.

"he's still angry that you're hanging out with me? do you want me to hurt him?" he asked, finally taking your phone out of your pocket. you nodded, rolling your eyes, "Bart no. he thinks that my 'job' is taking too much time away from him and I being together. I swear, it's like hearing a broken record. one minute, he's mad and wants to break up and the next second, he's at my door asking for forgiveness," you explained, frustrated.

Bart squeezed your hand, tapping his fingers on top yours, "you know what you need to do," he replied, giving you a serious look. you stared at him, biting your lip, "it's hard, Bart. he's going through a lot and I'll feel guilty if I just leave him," you whispered taking his hand and holding it.

"you literally fight villains for a living and you're scared of that? you know you deserve more," Bart said, "and I've seen the way you look at other girls who decide to flirt with me," he joked, trying to break the tension. "shut up, it's not even like that," you lied, making Bart even laugh more. "but seriously, you know it's not secret that I like you." you sighed, not knowing what to say as you put your head on his shoulder.

the silence wasn't exactly awkward but it wasn't comfortable either. there had been multiple times when Bart had told you his true feelings for you and every time he did, you responded with a hum or a 'okay Bart'.

it wasn't that you didn't accept his true feelings. it was far from that. you actually did like the speedster but you knew Bart could do a lot better. you knew Bart deserved someone who actually deserved him and that person wasn't you. you weren't as cute or funny as he was. he deserved someone like Cassie. smart, funny, and cute.

+

the YJ tower was completely empty aside from you and Bart. everyone was out doing their own thing. Tim and Connor were at their respective homes. Jinny and Amethyst were out doing god knows what meanwhile Keli and Cassie had gone to the movies to watch a film they both had been dying to see so that just left you and Bart in the lair to do as you pleased.

"Bart, hand me the remote," you said lazily. he handed it to you as you turned it off, getting up and stretching yourself out. Bart stared at you confused, "why'd you turn it off? I was watching that!" he exclaimed. you threw the remote across the couch and getting him up, "lets do something productive and make dinner or something," you replied enthusiastically.

Bart rolled his eyes but got up nonetheless. he followed you to the kitchen as you played music through the speakers that were built on the wall. "what're you making?" he asked, seeing you take out things that made no sense.

you looked over your options and realized you could make some kind of stew or a soup of some kind. "beef and gravy stew! we have enough things to make enough for the team and seconds for the both of us," you said, getting the things from the cupboards and having Bart start to chop every thing up.

you knew Bart was dumb but that didn't mean he wasn't a kick ass cook. there had been multiple times where he had made everyone dinner or dinner even for the two of you and it always turned out amazing. you dumped every thing that Bart had chopped up and proud it into the pot before grabbing a few things from the fridge and making the gravy that had to poured in. it didn't take long but the two of you had to wait until the pot boiled up in order for it to be ready.

the song 'telepatia' by Kali Uchis played over the speakers as you finally turned over to Bart and smiled, "we just need for it to boil and it'll be ready!" you exclaimed. he nodded as you started singing the song out loud. not particularly towards him but a warm feeling in his gut made him get butterflies as you continued.

"you know I'm just a flight away, if you want it, you can take a private plane."

you looked up to Bart, wanting to give him another smile but he quickly got rid of any questioning thoughts and went in for a kiss. you were taken back in surprise. this was the first time Bart had ever put his feelings forward and actually gave you a kiss.

his kisses were soft. they weren't rushed which was ironic considering all Bart was, was being fast and always on the move. you had placed your hands on his thighs as you made the kiss even deeper. it took you a few seconds to register what you were doing when alarms rang off in your head. you had a boyfriend and by continuing to kiss Bart, you were technically cheating on him.

"Bart no, I can't," you murmured, pushing yourself off of him. he gave you a defeated look, understanding where you coming from, "I'm sorry," you replied, going back to the food and trying to forget that you even made the move to reciprocate the kiss. in the back of your mind though, knew it that kiss meant that you had fell for Bart and hard.

+

"I have to head home, it's getting late and we patrol tomorrow night so I think it's best we head back," you whispered knowing you'd have to deal with your stingy boyfriend when you got home. Bart gave your hand one more squeeze before getting up, "see you later," Bart murmured, getting the inkling feeling that he'd probably receive a phone call tonight from you.

you nodded, making your way towards your apartment. you had a fuck ton of messages from your boyfriend and over ten missed calls by the time you sat comfortably in your couch. you finally dialed him back, instantly getting a bunch of curse words thrown at you for not picking up.

it felt like hours when the two of you finally stopped arguing with each other. it ended with you in tears and your voice hoarse as you had finally grown the nerve to break up with him. you knew for your mental health that it was time to do it and truthfully, your feelings for Bart were growing more and more every time you saw him. there was no point in continuing the relationship if you were no longer having feelings for him and although you felt guilty by doing it, you ripped it off like a band aid.

you grabbed your phone and clicked on Bart's number. Bart on the other hand shifted in his bed, seeing your contact light up his phone. he groggily picked it up, "hey," he said in that sleepy tone of his. you hiccuped, trying to control your tears, "can you come over?" you whispered, the crack of thunder scaring you shitless, "I really need someone right now."

Bart sighed, telling you to give him a minute before hanging up. Bart had no idea how many more of these late night sleepovers he had left in him. he sped over to your place, grabbing the secret key from the back of the broken piece of wood that was attached to your door frame. he opened it, seeing you sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in one hand and your hiccups still overcoming your body.

"what's wrong?" he asked. you stared at him, tears instantly rushing down your face, "I deserve to be happy right?" he nodded almost immediately, "than why do I feel so shitty because I broke up with him?" you asked.

Bart stared at you, not believing what he was hearing. you had finally broken up with that shitty boyfriend and he was the first person you contacted.

"because that's what manipulative people do ( your name )," he whispered, "they make you feel like shit for things that you didn't even do. you're perfect and he didn't deserve you or anyone like you. especially you though," he joked, bracing you even harder for a hug. he knew it would be wrong to try and make a move but gave you a kiss on the top of your head and whispered nothing but supportive things into your ear as you tried to calm yourself down.

the rain happening outside and Bart's words were lulling you to sleep as Bart hadn't even realized that you were passing out on his side. it wasn't until you hadn't moved that Bart realized you were not longer awake. he grabbed your body, lifting you up bridal style before making his way to your room.

he placed you down on your bed with every intention of just letting you sleep and him heading home but you grabbed onto his body, sleepily saying that he was going to stay here. you hadn't even said it as a question but more as a statement. he didn't argue with it; however, and he had thankfully came over in his pajamas as he scooted you over a bit and crawled in.

you smiled softly, hugging him instantly and passing out once again. Bart placed a small kiss on the top of your head before whispering into your ear, "you'll be mine one day, didn't I tell you that?" he murmured before trying to fall back asleep.

[fleckcmscott]

Stepping Stones - Chapter 2

Chapter links: 1

Summary: Y/N and Arthur share a delightful life, one that isn’t perfect but wholly theirs. When his struggles take a serious turn, she's surprised by the toll it exacts. Though the steps they'll have to take aren't easy, walking them together makes all the difference.

Warnings: Angst, Swearing, Struggles with mental illness

Words: 3,739

A/N: Once again, a heartfelt thanks to @sweet-nothings04​ for offering to beta-read this story and her encouragement. Her contributions have been invaluable! Also, thank you guys for your support! I hope you continue to enjoy this story. And don’t worry: there may be angst - but there’s love, too. 

If you have any thoughts or questions, please comment, feel free to message me, or send me an ask! I’m still working on requests and Way Back Home!

Y/N wasn't used to being searched. It'd last happened at the District Courthouse when she'd gotten in the wrong line and nearly wound up in the jury room for a murder trial. At least the stout woman in Arkham's visitor entrance lobby was more pleasant than the bailiffs.

Unassuming in a white polo shirt and black pants, her nametag introduced her as Gladys, and the split "I Can Help!" sticker along the top cemented her as a fixture. She was friendly for a Gothamite, commenting on the sunny weather while unceremoniously dumping the contents of Y/N's handbag onto a plastic table pad. Asking about the ride over as she politely ignored tampons and confiscated a nail file. She spelled Y/N's name back to her before jotting it on the sign-in sheet and offered a genuine smile. "You have a nice time with your husband, dear. Just check out with me before you leave."

Visitor's badge pinned above her left breast, Y/N adjusted the collar of her red silk blouse, ensured the heart pendent around her neck was centered, and pushed through the door marked "Visitation."

Her kitten heels click-clacked across the checkerboard linoleum floor. The cafeteria was large, like an elementary school gymnasium without the scoreboards. Lack of funding had turned the once pristine walls to the off-white of a bathtub that had seen too few scrubbings. Large windows dotted them in sets of two, each covered with grate from the inside. Metal fans were riveted to their frames, a poor attempt to compensate for the lack of fresh air. To her left, six rows of steel tables stretched halfway across the room, about a third full of staff and patients, family members and friends. A metal buffet stood to her right, along with a sign stating a menu of beef cutlets and gravy would be served at 5:30 PM. A pony wall separated a family area on the far end. She spotted a patient with his wife and daughter watching cartoons together, ones that were old enough for Y/N to have grown up on.

It struck her how average the place felt, similar to the hospital back home she'd spent far too many hours in. It made sense: the people here were patients like any other, even if they were under lock and key. When she headed to the aluminum coffee urn on a rickety steel cart, there was a woman, around thirty, making conversation with a new wave chick, holding a ragged teddy bear and pulling her hair. Their eyes met and Y/N attempted a friendly smile. Once she'd purchased two cups, she sat by a window and crossed her legs, foot swinging back and forth as she sipped the stale liquid.

She tried to quell her nervous anticipation. Due to his time of admittance, Arthur's forty-eight-hour observation period had stretched late into Thursday night, well after visiting hours. Tasks big and small had punctuated the wait. One of Arthur's clients called to confirm a birthday party, and Y/N, hazy from lack of sleep, explained there'd been a family emergency.

Then it dawned on her that she'd have to find Arthur's gig list, which meant rummaging through his desk, a private space she'd respected since presenting him with it for their anniversary. Thank god he no longer locked the drawers, because she had no idea where he kept the key. (There were only so many hiding places in their three-room apartment, but she had no desire to search every nook and cranny.) The yellow legal pad resided in the top left drawer, under a prop catalog and kraft paper notebook. After ringing Gary and asking him to fill in ("I'm not sure I can do all these, but I can mention them at HaHa's." "That'd be great but don't get yourself in trouble. And, please, leave out Randall."), she telephoned eight households and three businesses with his contact information and apologies.

She worked extra hours in the evening to make up for the time she'd inevitably take off when Arthur was home, an arrangement that wasn't strictly legal, but she didn't see the harm in. Her colleagues graciously ignored the number of personal calls she made, to ask how Arthur was doing and learn about policies. While he wasn't yet rational, staff said, he was cooperative. Well, mostly cooperative. He'd eaten breakfast and referred to everyone as sir or ma'am, but he'd also caused a ruckus when he'd come to and found his wedding ring missing. They'd made an exception to the no jewelry rule and given it back. Personal clothing wasn't permitted, either, besides underwear, and toiletries were out of the question. It irked her - he deserved the dignity of his own hairbrush - but she didn't want to single him out by arguing for further favors. So she shuttled over a week's worth of briefs on her lunch break, chest tight as she gave it to the man with headphones at reception.

Despite the setting, despite the weight of not knowing what mood he'd be in, a thrill bubbled through her veins. Whenever a silhouette appeared behind the glue chip glass of the patient entrance, her pulse skipped. Y/N knew it was silly to expect a lot this first visit but she couldn't help it. She missed him. She missed him. Like it had been thirty days instead of three.

It took about six minutes for the door to crack an inch, and a full ten seconds for it to open completely. An orderly propped his weight against it, pointing in her general direction with his head. She stood and smoothed her palm down her A-line skirt, ensured the hem was at her knee. Maybe it was selfish, perhaps even foolish, but she hoped the surprise would be a highlight of Arthur's day, make him feel better, and she hoped seeing him would be one of hers. He was still her partner, after all. Still her Arthur. That would never change.

Clad in white scrubs and white shoes and about twenty feet away, Arthur stepped over the threshold and scanned the room. She gave him a modest wave when she caught his eye. His approach was more tentative than she would have liked, his steps shorter than usual, fists balled at his sides. As he drew closer, she noted the oiliness of his hair, the two-day black and grey stubble on his chin. His crow's feet had grown deeper, his eyelids slightly purple. Exhaustion dripped from every pore. The cut on his forehead had scabbed over into a thin line, quite modest considering its origin and how much he'd bled.

But he was as beautiful to her as always. The hint of a smile tipped her mouth. "Hi, Arthur."

"Hi," he said lowly. A reservation she barely recognized clouded his light green irises.

Part of her began to suspect popping in like this had been a mistake. Giving up wasn't in her nature, however, especially when it came to the love of her life. She forged ahead, closing the gap between them. Dr. Kellerman had advised her to let Arthur set the pace of their visits, to offer support while respecting his boundaries. Yet, touching him had become as vital to her as breathing, and it didn't occur to her to ask for permission before she reached to cup his face.

His skin felt papery under her fingertips, and red, flakey spots of dermatitis bloomed next to his nose and below his eye. He smelled of cheap bar soap and detergent, though whiffs of his woodsy masculine scent lurked underneath. But his clothes were clean and fit him well, better than half his own wardrobe. "I'm so happy to see you," she said, tracing his sharpened cheeks.

He nodded weakly, lips pursed into a grimace of disbelief. "Good."

"I got us some coffee. We can sit here or on one of the sofas."

"Here's fine."

She took his hand and led him to their table, itching for him to entwine their fingers, lamenting a little when he didn't. While he followed closely, his posture radiated tension like an oven radiated heat. Rather than the gait they'd adopted over the years, he moved as if he was afraid to touch her, as if he feared she'd disappear. Or reject him. Once he was situated and stirring sugar into his cup, she sat beside him and bumped their legs, refusing to let his fears go unchallenged. "How's your room?"

"It's okay. Just me. I'm not there much." He blew lightly on his steaming brew. "I haven't seen this part of the hospital before."

Y/N arched her brow. "No?"

"Penny had trouble getting over here to visit. When I had episodes."

Flabbergasted, a huff of disapproval escaped her. Arthur had been in out Arkham six or seven times, and Penny hadn't made it over once? According to Arthur, she'd been sick for a while, but what about twenty years ago? Even later, they hadn't had any money, which meant she would've had to care for herself while he was away. If she had had the wherewithal to go through the process of committing her son, couldn't she have at least called a cab? Y/N pushed her ire aside, not wanting it to affect Arthur. "Did you see your therapist today?"

"Mhm."

"Is he good? Does he listen to you?"

"He's fine."

She took a long drink. "Did you get the underwear I brought over?"

"Yeah." he sighed, tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling. "They wrote my name on the waistband."

"I'll get new ones," she said, tapping her chin in contemplation, opting for a little cheer. "Donahue's has a racy number from Mad Mod. How'd you feel about zig-zag bikinis in maroon?" Instead of the laugh she'd craved, the incredulous smirk he saved for ridiculous suggestions, his knees quaked, bouncing and bouncing, freshly wound springs in bleached cotton.

None of this was going as she'd pictured.

Self-consciousness was atypical for her, a personality trait she'd shed in her late twenties after a failed marriage and the beginning of her parents' declines. Being with Arthur felt secure, open, even during his worst days. When he'd discovered his mother's Arkham file, learned the details of his abuse. Or the weeks after she'd passed and any chance of finding out more about himself, the truth about his father and chance to get a crumb of paternal affection, had died along with her.

Gathered at this table with her husband and bad coffee, old insecurities returned with the force of a subway careening at full speed. She sought to encourage him but didn't want to dismiss his feelings, harken back when he'd been burdened with "Happy." Her questions were obviously getting on his nerves - she was at a loss as to how he'd react to more of them. Their banter had vanished. The clues she had to follow were based on an old map, comprised of well-worn paths to joy she could walk with her eyes closed. Now those paths were overgrown with weeds.

But she wouldn't stop trying to trim them. Some shears were in reach: a woman's magazine lay abandoned on a nearby table, famous for its relationship quizzes and bedroom advice. She snagged it, scooted her chair closer to Arthur, and flipped through the glossy pages until the headline "Are You Meant To Be?" screamed in bright pink font. She cleared her throat and read aloud. "'You and your husband are shipwrecked on a desert island. You can take any household item with you. What item would you bring?'" She paused, then went with what first came to mind. "Toothbrush. I can't expect you to kiss me when I-"

"Why are you acting like this?"

Her gaze locked on him. "Like what?"

"Like I haven't fucked everything up."

Automatically, she reached for his thigh, not heeding the angry twitch of his jaw. "You haven-"

He batted her arm away, inadvertently knocking the magazine to the floor. "Don't lie to me," he rasped. "I don't like you seeing me like this. I don't want you to have to come visit and pretend." He wiped his nose with the back of his hand, an anger she recognized as shame dripping from every word. "Can you please just go?"

Pain lanced through her, pain she hadn't felt since her father, deep in the throes of dementia, had accused her of stealing from him. Her lashes lowered to hide her hurt. Arthur acting like this was proof of how out of sorts he was, how much he was struggling with his illnesses. But it didn't make his behavior any easier to take, even if she firmly believed it should. She had to try to accept him as he was in the moment. To forgive him and herself for pressing him too far, too quickly. To listen to his request for time, the way he'd listened to hers after the Murray show, giving her the gift of patience and understanding. A gift he also deserved.

Pushing herself to stand, she glanced at the orderly and lay a gentle palm on Arthur's back. To her relief, he didn't retreat. "I'm here if you need me," she said softly. "If you feel up to it, give me a ring. We could both use a joke or two." Fingertips caressed his distended shoulder, and she pecked the crown of his head, breathed in the oily musk of his scalp. Not entirely pleasant but him all the same. "We'll see each other soon. Get some rest and remember I love you."

~~~~~

"This woman wandered in off the street the other day. Pointy-toed shoes, fur coat, pillbox hat like she thinks she's Jackie Kennedy..." Perched on Y/N's side of the bed, Patricia dunked her orange pekoe teabag, gave it a good squeeze, laid it on her saucer. "She wanted to sue the Wayne Estate for damages to her Bentley, because Thomas Wayne had broken a legally binding oral agreement - she must have read a legal thriller and gotten haughty - to fix the potholes in Old Gotham when he was mayor. I told her to complain to Public Works, but she decided to camp out at your old desk to clip her nails. Finally, Matt had enough and offered her a phone call to Gotham PD or ten bucks for her trouble." She shook her head with a chuckle. "What a jackass. Retirement can't come soon enough."

"Don't wish your life away," Y/N retorted, inadvertently quoting a pamphlet she'd gotten from the Arkham gift shop, "Care for the Caregiver." The title had made her balk: Arthur bathed himself, fed himself, knew who she was. But it had been a straw to hold onto, albeit feebly. She retrieved a curved, wooden hanger from the closet and stuck one end in the arm of her freshly ironed blouse. "Besides, you've been working since you were sixteen, right? I give it a year before you'd go stir-crazy."

"Actually, I've been thinking about taking a class or two at the learning center," said Patricia.

"Oh, really? What kind? Pottery, advanced baking, conversational Spanish?"

"How to find nicer friends."

Hand on her hip, Y/N smirked over her shoulder to find Patricia's teacup raised for a toast. "Let me know what you learn," Y/N said, hoisting the laundry basket onto the bed. "I could use a few pointers." She batted the older woman with a dress sock, then fished for its companion. She shook them out. Aligned the cuffs and toes, smoothed the nylon with the side of her hand, folded the fabric into thirds. The top drawer's left ball-bearing slide stuck when she tried to pull it open, and she made a mental note to ask Arthur to take a look at it.

Without warning, a profound sense of loss swept over her, flushing her cheeks, her forehead. He'd been gone almost a week, the longest they'd been apart aside from conferences and training. Her days had been blessedly busy but dragged on nonetheless, slow as the secondhand on her watch when the battery had to be replaced.

Arthur had gotten in the habit of leaving a note whenever he had an early gig or errand to run, just a few words stating where he was, that he'd be home later, that he loved her. Though she knew he was in Arkham, she couldn't stop her heart from expecting one when she made morning coffee. She ached to pull him inside before he lit a second cigarette, and for his teasing kisses when he'd resist. The way he brushed his teeth from side-to-side, eschewing her method of small circles and daily flossing. Last night, a hot flash had kept her awake, and she'd longed for the feel of his strong, slender hands rubbing refrigerated lotion into her calves, a trick he'd learned to quiet his mother when she'd gone through what he politely referred to as The Change.

Y/N had never wanted to love someone so much she needed them, but Arthur had made it safe. And now here she was, anguishing over a stubborn piece of furniture. She gave the knob another good, hard heave until it popped off into her palm. With a groan, she slapped it on the top of the dresser, between his wallet and her jewelry box.

A gentle hold on her elbow halted her. "The clothes'll keep," Patricia said.

The compassion in her voice, subtle chords that would sound like judgement to others, loosened Y/N's stance. Granted permission for her to take a break from coping and give into grief. Slinking down onto the mattress, she picked up Arthur's blue house pants from the mound of panties and trousers and hugged them to her breast.

"Your anniversary is coming up," Patricia continued. "Will Arthur be home for it?"

"Yes. Three weeks is all the insurance will pay for, and Dr. Kellerman said we were lucky to get that." Most patients were discharged after two, even if they had nowhere else to go.

"How is he? Do you think he'll be ready then?"

"I'm not sure. He barely comes to the phone." She'd tried letters, too. Written on her office letterhead, declarations of her support and affection that were as stilted as the motions she regularly drafted. Something for him to read when they couldn't speak, when they couldn't touch. But he hadn't responded.

Although Y/N was the sole person he'd added to his list of allowed visitors, he hadn't signed the release. Sure, she'd learn the details of his care if a court remanded him, but she wasn't about to have him declared legally incompetent, not unless everything went to shit. But she had deduced his schedule by calling and asking if he could come to the phone. He's in group, Mrs. Fleck, the charge nurse had let slip. Or, You can try in an hour. He should be out of one-on-one by then.

Therapy three times a day. Safety and daily living skills. Goal setting before bed. No wonder he hadn't had the energy to say good night.

"I know what you're going through," Patricia said. She stretched to put her empty teacup on the nightstand. "When Robert got back from Korea, he kept his distance. Buried himself in starting his business, was gone most nights on extra late repair jobs, worked, worked, worked. It was nearly a year before he really came home. But he made it and Arthur will, too."

The intimacy behind the disclosure was a welcome invitation, a hook that tugged at Y/N's core and confirmed honesty would be all right. She drew a shaky breath, fiddled with a loose thread on the hem of Arthur's pajamas. "I thought I'd seen everything. Losing my mother, going out of my mind with my father. Those were finalities I couldn't prevent." Rapid blinking fought the wetness of her eyes. She swiped at them with the heel of her hand. "If you had seen him, Patricia... I just hope Arthur understands. I don't want him to think I wanted him to leave."

"Listen to me." Patricia adopted her mentor tone and hugged her tight around the middle. "There's no way he'd believe that. Remember when we doubled at Kao Wah? When we were in the restroom, and he ordered your favorite dish without having to ask what it was? He adores you." She swept her hand through the air as if she could sweep away Y/N's woes. "You promised to take care of him through everything. You did what you had to to keep him safe. You couldn't have done anything else, Y/N. Don't doubt yourself."

After some moments Y/N nodded. "You know, my parents had a swimming hole on our property. When I was young, I used to skip stones across it and make wishes. For my doll's arm to mend, for my parents to say safe, for my sister's surgeries to go well." She chuckled and dabbed at her cheeks with Arthur's house pants. "I guess it was like praying, which I never had use for." The slightest smile edging her lips, she turned to Patricia. "Let's go to Gotham Park and throw some rocks."

~~~~~

The next morning, eleven percent of her worries cast away by a currently sore right arm, Y/N walked past Sherwood Florist, a closet of a shop around the corner from her office. Storefront freshly washed, robust floral arrangements on display in large, spotless windows, and an owner in horn-rimmed glasses checking the temperature of the nearest cooler, she decided to stop in. Yes, the florist told her, an expression of dubious curiosity on his face. They delivered to Arkham. Just include the patient's full name and ward in the address, and it'd be sent this afternoon.

She chose a squat, plastic vase filled with daisies and a yellow enclosure card with a bumblebee in the lower left corner. A bit cutsie for her taste, but it was the only neutral choice among birthdays and congratulations. She pondered what to write, pushing back the urge to ask him to reach out. A minute later, she put her pen to the cardstock. "I miss you like thread misses a needle. (Good thing you're the comedian - that was terrible.) You're not alone in this. You have my whole heart. - Y/N."

~~~~~

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[gayorphanboss]

Christmas is hell in my world - To be continued

Blood rushing to my head, heart palpitations beating faster than an electronic dance music track and bleeding from my head with a flow like a river. 14-years of this shit, 14 fleeting moments of beatings in a time period of 10 minutes. I’m on my floor, concussed with a swollen face, blood dripping off my face into the floorboard cracks. As the blood dries on my face, then makes it hard to open my eyes with the drying of the blood working as a glue on my eye lashes. The rats in the walls hear silence and make their way near me. I was frozen from the previous events, so I probably came across as an inanimate object of my room. Who did this to me? My father. Why?

The morning before I’m immobilized on my bedroom floor.

Eyes heavier than a dumbbell. I’m Half-asleep and half-awake, before the sun beaming through my bent and crooked cheap aluminon cheap blinds, make me fully aware of the day. Waking up in my own personal hell. Today isn’t just any other day. Today is Christmas. Therefore, it’s a Christmas lunch today with my family which seem like a bunch of strangers who hate me. I’m very much the black sheep. You grow up thinking adults are mature, but sometimes they act like they are still in high school, like a peer I would come across in the hallway.  But perhaps I am the problem. Sigh, why do I always feel like I’m the issue for everything I do. Do all 14-year-old boys feel like this? Sometimes I feel like a fish being pulled backwards and drowning in my own environment. Having the resources like gills and still consuming toxicity.

We are taking a full car from Ballarat to Melbourne. Guess what, I’m in the middle even knowingly I am taller than my sister Shannon. Shannon is three years older than me; she is about to go into her final year at high school. She has a good work effort, quite pretty, has freckles and long thick brunette hair. When I encountered a bullying ideal at school, she mentioned to me “once you let people walk all over you, they will be doing it for the rest of your life. In some sense I could already understand what she was talking about, with my current abuser, my father. All I knew what to do, was freeze and take it like a punching bag.

I don’t speak up or challenge any logical statement of being taller to not sit in the middle, because the consequence is more physically brutal of having a boney ass and no leg room for an hour and a half. Much better than being whipped by a belt, smacked in the face and whatever my father feels like doing to me. He struggles with his own personal problems and looks me like a punching bag, then when he wants to release his anger, he hits, kicks, throws plates, belt and whatever he wants.

Have a small bite of Weet-Bix then straight into the shower. I close the wooden door and make way into the shower filled with moldy walls. Stare at the spider in the web before washing my hair. In this moment I’m fantasying dropping dead. Perhaps being turned into ash like some magical spell in some sci-fi shit on tv, sci-fi or fiction? Who the fuck knows, I don’t! All I know is I want my ashes being washed down the drain like no such thing as existence of myself Xavier. I relive a memory of watching Saw with my mother, while she was spaced out on crack and I was seven. Admired the beauty that they had endure the pain and mostly they dyed afterwards, while I was constantly enduring more and more abuse without being relieved of my pain through death. So… death seemed pleasurable today.    

I wash my hair quickly, since getting a “hurry up Xavier” from my other sister Nikkita, through the wooden door. Now Nikkita is a very amazing athlete, dual sports or being a national athlete, finalist and medalist, I’ve always admired her. Also admired her when she put her body on the line between myself and dad, when his red bull anger was bursting, and he was trying to hurt me. I was at the door, she was in-between myself and dad, while she was not letting him through. She was in a sense stronger than him. In this moment anyways, because she wasn’t backing down and she was firm, and he couldn’t get through. She was pushing him away, while was trying to her out of the way.

I get dressed in some shorts and a T-Shirt. Now we all make our way to the car. We drive to another suburb in Ballarat, to Nan’s home. We are taking her car, on the basis of ours was gross and my father looked after things very poorly. Nan is a, my way of the highway type of women. I have a Ying and Yang love for that part of her.

We arrive, say our hellos’. Then we pack the car with my Nans dishes. Now we are on the road to Geelong. I’m so wrecked and not prepared for this day. In this car trip, I’m quite quiet. I have decided that I won’t speak any more than I need to for the day. Because I seem to always tend to be the problem. The “know it all”. This remark stems from earlier years working out basic logical problems, which ignited hatred towards my intellect. These problems solving were over many different factors in life. But one what comes to mine, is trying to fit a couch through a doorway. I suggested another way, since the initial way of trying to force it through was not working. So, I suggested “how about we try putting it on an angle”. Then my father gave up, had a little tantrum, stormed through the door and slammed the screen wire, like a four-year-old not getting a chocolate at the checkout at Coles. Left my sisters and I, to work out how to get this fucking couch into the house while he is defusing his tempter in his room. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion to be polite and not react to any remarks made by the adults on this Christmas day. Since everything I do and say is just a problem. I sincerely saying this, I’m not being sarcastic, I just want everyone to have a good time and if I do not speak, I think that will be the easiest way.

Looking past the paddocks into the skyline. Listening to my tunes and minding my business. All is going to plan. Just a normal trip, nothing abnormal. Few remarks about us, made by nan. Some body shaming to my beautiful sister Nikkita, influencing Shannon to be more proper and you know, the “know it all” remark made about me even knowingly I am being dead quiet. So in short it is a shit travel from point A to point B.

We arrive. My uncle grant and his wife Christie are the hostesses of this Christmas lunch. Also, Uncle Brett and his wife Andrea are here. With their kids, Nigel and Glen. Greetings to all, I am being polite also a little closed off not to draw to much attention to myself. I have now just witnessed Andrea and Nan accidently peck while greeting each other. I’m moving gently throughout the space and saying hello. I’m sitting on the couch with my mouth shut, but the conversations are drifting between footy (AFL) and the cricket. Two things, I am no longer interested in, but I do not voice anything. Wow. I think I am the problem. The social setting is a dynamic with only signs of peace and joy in this festive. Dad’s laughing loudly. Nan’s smiling. Pa is being the beautiful soul he is. I’m sitting on the couch, identifying I am the problem. That moment of nothingness is followed through with the hollow feeling. The feeling of emptiness, and my thoughts are thinking, I deserve every shred of abuse in endure. I’m a broken piece of shit which brings my family anger.

I make my way out-side to pat the dog. This dog is a stunning Kings Charles, named Penny. Doesn’t bark and is very friendly. I’m patting Penny outside so I can take a breath. I need a second. A second to wrap my head around, that I am a fucking burden to everyone. I am this fucking know it all twat. I want to cry, but dry less tears are coming out since I’m so fucking empty. Soo fucking over everything. I am that “cunt” one of my friend’s parents at the time called me, when over afterschool in grade 6, yes, fucking primary school. I am also that “cunt” my dad called me at 5 years old. I am stupid and ugly which my step mum called me. I am weird. I am arrogant which the dads at the swim club called me. I deserve to be the laughingstock at the swim club’s presentation when dad was awarded the golden clip board award, for breaking one over my head when I was 7 years old in Melton. They all laughed so fucking hard over awarding him it, may as well created the term “lol” before the internet slang took over in later years. I’m all the names grant calls me, I’m worth $5 a day to clean a whole house like Christy said. I’m ungrateful like every single fucking adult in my life has told me, if that’s family or teachers and everything in-between. Perhaps, they can smell the homo on me. And I am an abomination against reproduction and to this conservative family. All the beltings for crying when I was younger. I fucking deserve to have my emotions beaten out of me. The ringing ears from being so consumed by my thoughts gets broken by the calling of me name. “Xavier” Nikkita slurs.

I shift my feet back inside, the realization of my own burden on others feels like my legs are twice as heavy… I’m just extra weight on others. Back inside. Sitting on the light-colored couch, and feet on the carpet-mat. Conversations are still that bleak short talk whether shit. Time passes and we all make our way outside.

It’s a scorcher of a day in Melbourne. I am now seated at the “kids table”, while the “adults:” are at the adult table. We are under a gazebo whole they are seated under a shelter. Everything isn’t still going to plan as I drown in my own guilt of being this factor of unhappiness to my family and a subject of pain for them too. Half or so hour later, we all make our way grabbing a white kitchen plate to plate our food. I get some ham, potato salad and lamb and of course gravy. Some salt and pepper and I’m ready to eat this delightful feed. Through the sliding glass doorway, minding my business while treading lightly protecting my plate of food. Bum to the plastic chairs, very similar to the ones in primary school. Fork and knife in unison eating this delicious plate in serenity.

[baphomet-media]

Top 10 Games I Played in 2019

Another year has gone by just like that, and here we are with another year’s worth of games played! There were some good releases this year, and I’m excited to talk about them all. Before that, though, let’s touch briefly on the criteria for these lists:

Any game that I played for the first time in 2019 is eligible, regardless of initial release year. Games that I started late in the previous year but spent most of the time playing in the year in question also count.

Ports, remasters, remakes, etc. of games that I have played before do not count.

I have to spend a certain amount of time with a game or the game has to make some kind of significant impact on me to be considered.

Lastly, these are just my opinion out of a very limited pool of games that I was personally able to get to this year, so if a game you played this year doesn’t show up, chances are either I didn’t have a chance to play it, or it just wasn’t personally as impactful to me as some of the others on the list. Now, on to the list!

10. Fire Emblem: Three Houses (Switch)

Developer: Intelligent Systems / Koei Tecmo

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Strategy RPG

Release Date: July 26th 2019

Before Three Houses, the only Fire Emblem game I played was Awakening on the 3DS. I mostly enjoyed it, but I couldn’t get into the marriage aspect of the game, and I felt that many of the battles a bit too lacking in any sort of story context other than “There are bad guys here, let’s take them out!”

However, Three Houses really succeeded for me where Awakening failed. The academy was a really great home base and actually gave some meaningful context to most of the battles in the game. I really enjoyed micromanaging the different lessons in the game and tweaking each of my students into exactly the build I wanted for them, however I felt the drawback of this was that there weren’t really a whole lot of different classes to really explore. Most of the game’s character classes are just stronger variations of lower-level classes, and it definitely felt like some skill categories became woefully underutilized as the game went on, so there was no point in training people for them. I also liked recruiting other students to my house, but I felt like the other houses students didn’t really offer anything that my current house already had, so some students ended up feeling mechanically similar to others.

The battles were exactly what you’d expect from Fire Emblem, and gave me a bit of a tabletop RPG vibe, which I enjoyed, particularly when there were large monsters to fight that took up more grid space than standard units.

That being said, the story was really interesting, and I really liked watching everything unfold. I picked the Black Eagles house (because Edelgard is great), but I felt like that story didn’t really do a great job of explaining everything, and expected you to just side with Edelgard on some of her more bold decisions with no explanation as to why what she was doing was right, which felt kind of unfair. The game really wanted you to go through and play each one of the houses stories, but with around 80 hours poured into a single house, I didn’t really feel like there was much point at the end.

Overall, I think Three Houses is a great fit for the Switch and I’m excited to see what the future of Fire Emblem on Switch will look like.

9. Luigi’s Mansion 3 (Switch)

Developer: Next Level Games

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Adventure

Release Date: October 31st 2019

When it comes to Luigi’s Mansion, I enjoyed Dark Moon on 3DS back in 2013 while waiting for Animal Crossing: New Leaf to drop, but I never really had much of a reason to come back to it. Still, I really enjoyed the exploration aspect of the game and the attention to detail really impressed me with how nearly everything could be interacted with.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 on Switch is more of what you’d expect from the Luigi’s Mansion series. The game centers around Luigi exploring a haunted hotel to stop King Boo and rescue Mario and his friends. While Dark Moon focused more on a few isolated mansions with different themes, LM3 brings things back to a single gigantic building. This time, each floor of the mansion has a different spooky theme, from ancient Egypt, to classical music, to a floor overgrown with plants. Luigi has to defeat the boss of each floor to reclaim the elevator button for the next floor as he gradually works his way to the top.

Like with previous games in the series, you can expect loads of environmental interaction, such as all the items you can suck up and mess with using the Poltergust, but LM3 brings some new mechanics to the series, including a launchable plunger than you can then pull on to yank certain objects around, as well as the remote-control Gooigi, who is as fun to use as his name is cursed. Gooigi is basically a slime doppelganger for Luigi who can be deployed at any point to assist Luigi with different tasks, or split up for local co-op play. He also has the ability to squeeze through grates and pipes, allowing all sorts of hidden areas that only Gooigi can explore.

LM3 is a game that oozes with charm (no pun intended), though the combat does get a tad repetitive. Also, I was a bit disappointed that there was not more interplay between different floors of the hotel. They’re almost exclusively completely isolated levels, which definitely takes away from the feeling of having a huge building to explore.

8. Blasphemous (PC)

Developer: The Game Kitchen

Publisher: Team17

Genre: Adventure Platformer

Release Date: September 10th 2019

Blasphemous is a game I remember seeing teasers for earlier in 2019, but saw little to no hype for otherwise. However, the concept and the stunning hi-bit pixel art immediately drew me in. The game is a 2D adventure platformer set in a gothic fantasy world reminiscent of Dark Souls. In fact, quite a lot of this game is reminiscent of Dark Souls, with a lore thicker than gravy that’s brimming with little tidbits of information in every NPC dialogue, every item flavor text, and in the bosses you encounter. The world takes inspiration from Christianity, though not actually being about Christianity itself, instead a fictional religion with many similar aspects (an approach I wish more developers would take).

In Blasphemous, you play as The Penitent One as you explore a rotting gothic world and learn more about a strange quasi-religious curse called The Miracle and other fascinating bits of the world. You explore such locations as rotting cathedrals, a frozen mountain, the interior of a colossal bell set upside down into the ground, and more. Along the way, your eyes will feast on some of the most gorgeous pixel art in games this year.

The Penitent One is able to battle with their sword and certain special abilities picked up along the way. While the combat is fairly simple at first, it gets much more deep and nuanced as you go along, dodging enemy attacks, parrying and countering, using spells to buff yourself or shoot projectiles, and much more. Personally, the game feels a lot like Dark Souls meets Castlevania, particularly Symphony of the Night. It’s definitely a lot of fun, though it may not be everyone’s cup of tea due to tone and difficulty.

7. Mario Maker 2 (Switch)

Developer: Nintendo Entertainment Planning & Development

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Action Platformer and Level Editor

Release Date: June 28th 2019

I was a big fan of the idea of the original Mario Maker on WiiU, so I was really excited when Mario Maker 2 was announced for Switch with a plethora of new parts, themes, mechanics, and features. I have a pretty big soft spot for classic Mario games, and level editors really get my gamedev side going, so this game pretty much checked all the boxes for me.

I was glad this time around to see an extensive singleplayer mode, where Mario has to play through Nintendo’s own pre-made levels to gain coins to rebuild Peach’s castle after the Undodog resets it all to nothing. It was a great introduction to the game, particularly showcasing what all you can do with the new parts. It was the perfect thing to get any creator’s brain tingling with ideas for their first level.

The editor itself is largely improved from the WiiU, though you’ll almost certainly need a capacitive stylus in order to really take advantage of the Switch’s touch screen, though it’s nice to finally have a Switch game with proper touch screen support, since it seemed like Nintendo had all but forgotten about this part of the device. There are tons of new improvements here, too, such as all modifiers for objects can be accessed by long-pressing on an object. One thing I wasn’t fond of though was the way the Select and Copy modes are accessed, needing to toggle through them and normal edit mode instead of just having a single button for each.

Unfortunately, the Amiibo costumes have not returned, which would have been a great use for Amiibo on Switch (anyone remember that the Switch is Amiibo compatible?), though with the recent release of the Link costume, it seems that Nintendo has plans in mind for these alternate forms.

Fortunately, if you’re not much of a creator, there’s still plenty to do in MM2, as there are tons of ways to play levels online, including an endless challenge mode with different difficulties, browsing top level lists, and a new speedrun mode where levels are available for a limited time and you can grind them to get your best time, playing against the ghosts of other players’ best times.

All in all, I’ve had fun with MM2, and I’m excited to see what Nintendo will bring to the game in future updates (please implement level playlists).

6. Baba Is You (PC)

Developer: Hempuli

Publisher: Hempuli

Genre: Puzzle

Release Date: March 13th 2019

Out of nowhere back in March came a little indie game known as Baba Is You. In this programming puzzle game, each level contains the rules of the level as physical objects that you can push around and recombine to manipulate how the game plays. Each rule statement can (usually) be broken down into three components: an object (such as Water), a verb (such as Is) and a property (such as Stop). Each one of these components can be pushed around at will, and if you line all three of them up you get the statement “Water Is Stop”, meaning that all water tiles in the level do not allow other objects to move over them. If you break this statement, the water loses this blocking property and you can walk over it. It doesn’t stop there, though, and there are tons of combinations and complicated scenarios that will leave your brain hurting after too long. While some of the puzzles are unfortunately rather obtuse in their intended solutions, and the game doesn’t always do a great job of teaching you the skills you’ll need to face harder puzzles, you at least have the option of completing multiple different levels, so it’s rare that you’ll be stuck on just one.

It also helps that the art for the game is a cute but simplistic hand-drawn style that makes it easy to distinguish all the various elements of each level. The only reason this game didn’t rank higher on my list is that I got stuck and I found most of the levels to be a bit too hard for me (shocking, I know).

5. Gato Roboto (PC)

Developer: doinksoft

Publisher: Devolver Digital

Genre: Adventure Platformer

Release Date: May 30th 2019

Gato Roboto is a cute Metroid-like adventure platformer that sees you taking the role of Kiki, a cat who has to explore an alien planet to rescue her master’s crashed ship. Fortunately, while Kiki is defenseless on her own, she is able to pilot a robotic mech suit to run, gun, and jump across different zones of the planet. While a Metroid-esque platformer is nothing new, it’s the charming 1bit graphics and the interesting interplay between power suit mechanics and suitless cat mechanics. Sometimes there are gaps that the suit can’t fit into or walls that you need cat claws to climb, so you’ll have to abandon your robot suit and proceed on foot for a bit. In true Metroid fashion, you’ll acquire many upgrades for your suit as you go along, including movement abilities and health upgrades.

The game is short, but very sweet, and the mechanics are super satisfying. You could maybe finish the game in a few hours, but the controls and speedrun potential will likely keep you coming back for more.

The only downside I have to the game is that there is at least one section where you have to explore extensively on foot, and since you die in a single hit while on foot, it makes for some frustrating moments when you just barely mistime a jump and graze an enemy. Also, at one point I managed to softlock the game by accidentally bypassing a barrier that the player isn’t meant to and getting stuck in a boss area when a required button doesn’t work after you defeat the boss. Fortunately, the developers managed to patch this, so I was able to continue playing after a while.

4. Hollow Knight (PC/Switch)

Developer: Team Cherry

Publisher: Team Cherry

Genre: Adventure Platformer

Release Date: February 24th 2017

I’ll admit, I was a bit late to the party on this one. Hollow Knight released back in 2017 on PC, and while I played it for a bit on there, I didn’t get far and just never had time to come back to it. However, when it was released on Switch in mid 2018, I ended up picking it up again some time later and gradually worked my way through it into 2019. Hollow Knight is a Metroid-esque adventure platformer with light Dark Souls elements set in a dark and dismal world of a fallen insect kingdom. You play as a lone knight who seeks to explore the Hallownest and learn its secrets. Armed only with your Nail, a rusted sword, you explore the caverns and abandoned civilization beneath the town of Dirtmouth.

The game has tons of exploration, and allows the player to explore Hallownest at their own pace with minimal signposting towards destinations. Additionally, the game has an interesting map mechanic where you start off completely without a map and have to rely on memory to navigate the tunnels, however very quickly you’ll be able to purchase a blank map where you can record rooms you’ve been to at each save point. However this map only works for the current area, so for each area you discover, you’ll have to start this process all over, finding a map so you can chart out the area. While this sounds like a pain at first (and definitely can take some adjusting), it’s actually really interesting as you feel like you’re really discovering a forgotten realm and charting out your own personal course through the world. There are also plenty of points for nonlinear progression, as many areas are often open to the player at once, so it’s up to them to choose where to go (or just stumble across new areas at random like me). Each area offers vastly different visuals, from a mushroom-filled series of tunnels, to an elegant garden, to dank sewers, to a city drenched with perpetual underground rain. In each area you’ll explore every nook and cranny to find upgrades and new abilities.

Along the way, you’ll find many badges that you can equip, a la Paper Mario, that give you various passive bonuses and abilities, however you are limited in the number you can have equipped at a time, so strategic planning of which badges to use is crucial.

One of the game’s main features is challenging boss battles. The further you get in the game, the more the balance shifts from exploration to combat, with the late game mostly revolving around hunting down multiple different bosses. Many bosses are optional, however, and some are even hidden, so many players might miss them entirely. Personally, while I found many bosses to be fun challenges, it got kind of tedious to constantly be fighting bosses at every turn, which led to me not completely finishing the game.

3. Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age - Definitive Edition (Switch)

Developer: Square Enix

Publisher: Square Enix

Genre: RPG

Release Date: September 27th 2019

I’ll admit I slept on Dragon Quest XI when it released for PC and PS4 back in 2017. It was constantly on my “maybe someday” list, but it wasn’t until the Definitive Edition released on Switch back in September that I decided to give it a go, and boy am I glad I did.

DQXI tells the story of a young man who finds out one day that he is the reincarnation of a legendary hero called The Luminary, who is said to defeat an evil known as The Dark One and bring peace to the world. However, he soon finds himself hunted by a corrupt kingdom that has branded him as The Darkspawn, claiming he is responsible for bringing The Dark One to the world and causing disaster. Thus, our hero travels the world, meeting friends along the way, and finding out what it means to be The Luminary.

The game’s plot may seem a bit generic, but that’s the thing. The whole conceit of DQXI is that it’s a classic JRPG at heart, but with a lot of modern touches to make it feel accessible today. So while there are plenty of turn-based battles, MP gauges, and a story that’s simplistic at the surface, there are loads of surprises throughout and lots of mechanical tweaks that drastically improve the quality of life of the game. For instance, as characters level up, they gain skill points that they can spend on a grid of skills to improve their abilities in different disciplines. Usually, each character has a sector of the grid for each weapon type they can use, as well as one section full of character-specific buffs and special abilities. By the end of the game, you’ll be able to unlock nearly every ability, so it becomes more of a matter of deciding which abilities to prioritize based on how you want to customize each character.

Speaking of characters, there’s a pretty full cast of characters to enjoy, and I found myself loving all of them, such as the spunky Veronica, the flamboyant Sylvando, or the warrior princess Jade. Each character has their own battle style, too, including casting spells, using strong weapons, buffing the party, and more.

The game will easily get you over 100 hours of playtime, with myself clocking in at around 120 hours so far. I’m not quite done yet, but I’m almost there. See, there’s a ton to do in DQXI aside from the main story, including crafting and improving items in a quick minigame at your Fun-Size Forge, gambling in the casino, horse racing, side questing, and exploring various parts of the world.

As for quality of life features, there are such things as the Horse Hailer, which allows you to immediately summon a horse on the overworld for quick travel, early access to the Zoom spell, which lets you teleport back to any town, important location, or campsite you’ve visited throughout the world for free, campsites being free healing, a speed-up option in combat, multiple auto-battle options, the ability to quick-heal in the menu, and more. It’s hard to really list everything, but there are tons of instances where you’ll think “Oh, that’s really handy”.

The visuals of the game are fantastic, with lots of that Akira Toriyama style that’s become synonymous with the Dragon Quest series. The characters are all really well designed and memorable, though some of the NPCs have a bit of a case of same-face, which is especially jarring considering that the game’s world is inspired by many diverse real-world cultures, making it odd that people from a Japanese-inspired area look exactly the same as people from an area based on northeast Europe. Still, I think the game otherwise does an excellent job at respecting world cultures, and even incorporates real-world languages into different regions. For example, the in-game city of Gondolia is based heavily on Venice, Italy, and the people of that city sprinkle bits of Italian into their dialogue. It’s a charming touch.

The music for the game sounds really great if you enable the orchestral version. Unfortunately, the game originally released with only a synthesized version of the soundtrack, which sounds terrible by comparison. Unfortunately, I felt that although each of the compositions were very memorable and pleasing, there sometimes didn’t feel like enough of them. The overworld, city, battle, boss battle, and dungeon themes are exactly the same wherever you go in the world, and I felt like that was a missed opportunity to really spice up the soundtrack with more unique themes to each area.

Overall, If you like JRPG’s, you’ll definitely like DQXI. My only complaints are that it can be a tad on the easy side, and that there are a few points of no return in the story that cause certain quests to be locked out without warning.

2. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (Switch)

Developer: Bandai Namco Studios / Sora Ltd.

Publisher: Nintendo

Genre: Fighting

Release Date: December 7th 2018

Was this really a surprise? A new Smash Bros. game releases the day before my birthday? Of course I’m gonna love it! I had been hyped up for Smash Ultimate for months preceding its release, going as far as watching any gameplay videos on YouTube I could find from various demo events and tournaments around the world. Even after the game’s release, there have been tons of content updates, new fighter DLC, and just so many reasons to come back to the game. It doesn’t hurt that one of the most accessible fighting games of all time is available on a handheld system (literally the only reason I played Smash 3DS). Smash Ultimate stands out in more than just its portability factor, though. While it largely recycles content from previous games, it can be seen as the “Ultimate” Smash Bros game, bringing back every single fighter from the series history, nearly every playable stage, and tons of familiar modes. Not only that, but new content is also present in terms of fighters, stages, and more. Long awaited characters include the Inklings from Splatoon, Ridley from the Metroid series, King K. Rool from Donkey Kong, and surprise guests, including Simon and Richter Belmont from Castlevania. On top of that, a plethora of DLC fighters and stages have been added, with the 5th DLC fighter still upcoming and shrouded in mystery.

Most prominent of the new additions is the game’s approach to a story mode. Unfortunately not as robust as the Subspace Emissary from Super Smash Bros. Brawl, The World of Light is still a welcome addition. In this mode, a strange angelic being called Galeem has turned all of the Smash fighters into evil controlled puppets, except, of course, for Kirby, who sets out to free each of the game’s 70+ fighters from Galeem’s control across a large board of levels, each connected by pathways. Each level features a battle against a copy of one of the game’s fighters possessed by a Spirit, essentially the essence of a video game character, and you have to free the Spirit and claim it by defeating the possessed fighter in a themed battle. This was a really nice way of including references to characters across not only Nintendo’s history, but the whole history of gaming as well, including some characters who do not otherwise appear in Smash, such as Shantae and Rayman. These Spirits, once collected, can be equipped to your character to not only improve your power level, but also offer different buffs, such as resistance to certain attacks, powering up your Smash attacks, starting you off each battle with an item, etc. I definitely enjoyed the World of Light mode, though I felt like it was a tad on the shallow side, and battles could get fairly repetitive after a while.

Fortunately, Smash really shines on its core mechanics, and the most fun I’ve had from the game is exploring all the different characters and finding which ones I like best. My current main is Ganondorf, though I still love playing as Ness and Lucas. Really, this is Smash at its best, and a number of much-needed mechanical tweaks, such as dodge fatigue, directional midair dodging, holding smash move charges, and an overall faster pace make this my favorite Smash game yet.

1. Persona 5 (PS4)

Developer: P-Studio

Publisher: Atlus

Genre: RPG

Release Date: April 4th 2017

Okay, wow. What a game. I’ve never played a Persona or Shin Megami Tensei game before, but buzz for Persona 5 was everywhere, and with the inclusion of P5’s Joker in Smash, I had to check it out. Even though I got to the game nearly two years late, I’m so glad I did.

Persona 5 is an RPG where you take on the role of a high school boy (he doesn’t really have a default name, but the most common name for him is Ren, so that’s what we’ll use) who has gotten tangled up in some legal trouble after intervening in a drunken assault on a woman he witnessed on the street. Turns out, this guy was something of a bigshot, and Ren soon finds himself placed under a form of rehabilitation where he is forced to transfer to the illustrious Shujin Academy in Tokyo. While at Shujin, Ren must live under the guardianship of a man named Shojiro who runs a coffee shop. Ren must stay out of trouble at school and live honestly.

However, trouble almost immediately finds Ren again as he discovers a lecherous teacher is mistreating many of the school’s students, and while investigating, accidentally slips into a strange dimension called the Metaverse, where the twisted perceptions of corrupted people are manifested into reality, and a sprawling Palace exists for the evil teacher. There, Ren meets a strange talking cat named Morgana who offers to help Ren if he will help Morgana find the Treasure at the heart of the Palace. Turns out, the Treasure is the manifestation of what caused the person’s desires to become corrupted, and stealing it causes them to lose their distorted emotions and confess.

Thus, Ren becomes a Phantom Thief, infiltrating Palaces and stealing Treasures by night and masquerading as a humble high school student by day. The Palaces are effectively the game’s dungeons, and this is where combat and exploration take place. Along the way, he’ll discover the power of his Persona, effectively an avatar of the user’s personality that enable them to unleash their true power inside the Metaverse, as well as use special abilities. And of course, you’ll recruit many friends to the Phantom Thieves, all of whom have their own motives and Personae. However, Ren has a special power. Instead of just being limited to one Persona, he has the ability to capture many Persona from the Metaverse by recruiting the game’s enemies or fusing Personae he already has to make more powerful ones. Thus the game has a light monster-collecting aspect to it, as each Persona can be leveled up to unlock new abilities, fused with others, and much more. What’s cool is that each Persona must be persuaded to join you by knocking it down in battle and then speaking to it in whatever way you think it wants to hear.

Outside of Palaces, you’ll investigate your targets, infiltrate a mega-palace called Mementos, as well as managing your free time. You see, Persona 5 allows you a limited amount of time to do everything you want to do, and it’s crucial that you manage your student life as well. This means spending time studying for exams, reading books to improve stats, working part-time jobs for money, playing minigames, and most importantly, hanging out with different NPCs, your teammates and supporters, to boost their friendship levels. As you get higher in friendship with each NPC, you’ll unlock new abilities, some of which are truly game-changing. I really enjoyed this aspect, as it felt like a puzzle trying to figure out how best to use my time. Almost nothing felt wasted, but I knew I wouldn’t have enough time to do everything, so I was always thinking about how best to optimize my time. Unfortunately, you can’t do everything in a single playthrough, but fortunately you can carry a lot of your progress over into New Game+. Some features are actually restricted to NG+, so it makes it feel like that second playthrough is really necessary if you want to see everything.

While the dungeons and the battles are mechanically fairly straightforward JRPG faire, the battles are interesting in that each enemy species has its own strengths and weaknesses, and exploiting weaknesses can knock down the enemy and allow you to take an extra turn, which can lead into strong combos. Furthermore, once all enemies are knocked down, you can perform a powerful All-Out Attack for massive damage. It honestly doesn’t get too much more complicated than that, but there is enough depth to the system to keep you engaged until the end of the game.

Each of the game’s characters are extremely well-designed, and I loved pretty much all of my party members, though Yusuke didn’t click with me as well as some of the others, despite being voiced by the amazing Matt Mercer. My favorite, of course, was the imperious Makoto, who appears little more than a bossy student council president in reality, but explodes into flurries of righteous blows in the Metaverse, alongside her robot motorcycle Persona.

Of course it’s impossible to talk about Persona 5 without mentioning the absolute masterpiece that is this game’s presentation. If you know anything about the game, you’ve likely seen the striking art style used in all of this game’s art and UI. It’s honestly every bit as eye-catching and jaw-dropping as it seems. The music is an utter masterpiece as well, with all manner of swingy jazz tunes, somber piano pieces, heart-pounding rock tracks, all of which come together with the visual style to give you something unlike anything you’ve ever played before and to truly make you feel like a suave Phantom Thief.

I managed to not only get through the main game, but get all the way through a NG+ playthrough back-to-back to get that platinum trophy and not once did I feel bored doing so. I clocked in at around 200 hours in total and it was one of the best gaming experiences of my life. If you like RPGs, time management games, good anime-style stories, or just good games, do NOT pass this one up, especially the upcoming Royal version that’s releasing in March.

[vermiculus-incipiens]

OOC INFORMATION:

What’s your name? Snapeyyyy

Preferred pronouns:He him

Timezone:gmt but I never sleep properly

IC INFORMATION:

Character Name: Severus Tobias Snape Named for a family tradition that his mother was disowned from and his father who he wishes hadn’t existed.

What’s a hobby or pastime that your character enjoys?: Reading until his eyes hurt, smoking until his lungs burn and ruining his own happiness.

Do you have any preferred ships or anti-ships?: Honestly I’m good for it all, but Snape a little shit and you should know that. Love me some Jily for real.

What do you think your character’s Boggart would be? If their greatest fear isn’t something that could easily take a solid form, what is it? Why?: A werewolf mid transformation. It is still the most concrete moment of fear he has ever felt instead of the shifting unease and anxiety that make up most days now.

What’s your character’s biggest pet peeve?: He has no patience for fools. He cannot stand to see the undeserving welcomed to the front desk when so many more are kicked down the steps before they can even approach the doors.

What would you consider to be an eccentricity of your character?: Quite at odds with his outward presentation and political position, he grew up using muggle things and can’t shake them yet. Pickles nearly everything he can get his hands on.

What is/was your character’s favorite subject in school? Why?: His favourite class was Potions. He was praised, encouraged to work hard and learn more, and had an affinity with subject. He was equally good at DADA but it never felt quite like home in the way the sour smelling dungeons did.

What time of day is your character’s favorite? What time of year?: Evening through to night, and winter. It suits his current role in the war, and he prefers multiple layers of clothing for multiple reasons. Both times tend to be quieter than others and in the Snow cokeworth can almost seem magical

What’s your character’s Patronus? If they can’t conjure one, what would it be if they could? Why?: Severus cannot cast a patrons, never having progressed far enough in Charms, and would not trust himself to now, given the state of his soul and the things he has done. He knows what happened to Razcidan

What is your character’s biggest vice (bad habit or immoral craving)?: Smokes like a chimney and buys books with dangerous curses or containing dangerous spells. He gets a rush from Dark magic that is almost addictive.

Is your character an introvert or extrovert? How well do they handle social situations?: He is in introverted to the extreme and tends to stay on the edges at social gatherings, watching everyone with an intent alertness that is as disturbing as it is frantic.

What is your character’s diet like? What’s his or her favorite food?: His diet is distinctly unhealthy, and his favourite foods are homely staples of the North. Yorkshire pudding and gravy, Sunday roast, fish and chips, and the like. Also recently discovered a love for olives.

How do you think your character’s psychological issues have manifested and changed your character up to this point?: Severus has a lot of the hallmarks of neglected and terrorised children, his often in a state of hyperarousal, always on always ready for the next catastrophe, and he compartmentalises far more that even the wariest of secret agents. He is not quite paranoid yet, but anxiety seeps in through the gap around his poorly made doors in Cokeworth and pools in the empty cauldrons at the apothecary. For now most school peers would see little difference in the sullen teen and the snarling adult, but there is something always ready to flee or fight in Severus, and to the perceptive it shows. Not unusual in a world at war, of course, but when you find yourself on the opposite side to good people, and start ever so slightly ever so internally to worry about just what the he’ll you’re doing and notice the uncomfortable shivers in your belly, it’s hard to think that the ends justify the means and it’s just Us vs Them. It’s hard but for now at least, Severus manages.

Give us a headcanon for your character. Anything is acceptable. He plucks at his shirt or robe fronts when nervous, a habit from the days when his clothes didn’t fit him and were always baggy, and when he thinks hard traces his thin lips with a long potion stained finger, having moved on from nail-biting in his early Hogwarts years. He failed his CoMC OWL and had to retake it, a fact which haunts him, and never did well in practical herbology.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What was the brand of your first ever cell phone? Motorola.  What are your 3 favorite internet sites? Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter. Do you have a favorite pair of blue jeans? Describe them. I like all my jeans, which are all dark wash skinny jeans. Let’s be real, though: I haven’t worn jeans in over a year. I only wear leggings.  What profession do you respect? I respect many professions. Have you ever been the recipient of a practical joke? Nah.

Have you ever ate something you’ve dropped on the floor, if so what? I probably did as a kid, but I quickly grew out of the whole “5 second rule” thing.  Would you consider being an Uber driver if you needed to make extra money? Not sure how that would work since I don’t drive. How do you know when you’re in love, what’s the main sign? I just know. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? Yes. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? I like both, but I can find a lot of cute stuff at Target. What do you long for? “I want something else, to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life, baby.” That lyric just popped into my head for this. Anyway, I long for a life I’m excited about living. If you could be a personal assistant to anyone, who would it be? I don’t want to. What is the most important thing you can do to improve yourself? Better self-care would help. I’ve neglected myself in a lot of ways. My mental health definitely needs help, it has suffered greatly.  What makes it hard for you to keep your focus? My jumbled mess of a mind. What tragic love story do you relate to? Blah. Has your intuition or “gut” served you well? Sometimes. What’s the longest you’ve ever waited in line for something and what was it? Rides at Disneyland. I think once we waited like 3 hours for this one ride, which took so long because it broke down and had to be repaired. And it was just a long line in general.  Who is your favorite model? Like fashion model? I don’t have one. What have you done that is out of character for you? Hmm. Would you rather get a gift card or a gift that someone bought for you? I appreciate either one.  How do you handle a betrayal? I don’t know, but it sucks. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? My life. If you owned a restaurant what kind of food do you want to serve? I wouldn’t own a restaurant. What will we find if we look in the bottom of your closet today? Shoes and other stuff. What kind of car did you learn how to drive on? I haven’t learned how to drive. What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? I don’t knowwww. Have you ever had to go to court or testify and if so what for? No. Do you believe in karma? No. Are you more worried about doing the things right, or doing the right thing? Both. Do you believe in the term “Mother knows best?” I mean, I definitely value my mom’s opinions. It doesn’t mean we always agree.  Who is your favorite movie action hero? Iron Man/Tony Stark.  What is one thing you can get in your hometown you can’t get elsewhere? My town isn’t special. How important are looks in someone you’re in a relationship with? I can’t say looks don’t matter at all, but they’re not the most important. Personality means a lot more, and it can also add to someone’s attractiveness.  What freedom do you feel is not really free anymore? I can’t think for this survey right now. What are you most thankful for? My family. Do you have any favorite talk shows or talk radio programs without music? Dr. Phil and Daily Pop. What was the last book you read? Burying the Honeysuckle Girls by Emily Carpenter. What’s your favorite online store? Exclusively online: Amazon. However, I shop a lot on Hot Topic, Boxlunch, and Kohl’s websites.  What band would you love to tour with or be a roadie for? None. I’m not a musical artist or in a band, and I don’t want to be a roadie.  If you were to throw a message in a bottle into the ocean, it would say? Hi.  Do you have common sense or do you think people are lacking in it? Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it’s so common.  What’s your favorite non-alcoholic drink? Coffee. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? Not my thing. What do you like to put gravy on? I love country gravy on eggs, biscuits, and hash browns and turkey or pork gravy on turkey, ham, and mashed potatoes.  Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? Nope.  What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? :/ What is priceless to you? Spending time with my family. What do you wait for discount sales to buy? I always look for sales on things whenever I can.  What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Hmm. What 3 songs will always be found at the top of your playlist? I don’t think there’s 3 particular songs that would always be there.  What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done for someone? It must be too late or something cause I really can’t think of an answer for a lot of these. Do you keep a budget? I just make sure my bills are paid first at the 1st of the month and then use the rest as I please, but try and keep around a certain amount in my bank each month.  If you could cast a spell on someone what spell would you cast and on who? I wouldn’t.  What makes you feel rested and refreshed? A day at the beach. It’s the only time I can actually relax for a bit while there. What is the funniest joke you have ever heard about? Who depends on you the most? I don’t know if anyone really depends on me. I’m the depender.  Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Ha, no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. Is there anything about the opposite sex you just don’t understand? There’s a lot I don’t understand about people in general. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? My mom. Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse?  Only when asked in surveys. If so, what were two things you wanted? Patience and understanding. Have you ever ridden on a subway or train an what did you like about it? I haven’t. What song on your playlist gets played the most? Spotify doesn’t tell me that. Do you prefer sporty or academic members of the opposite sex? If we vibe, we vibe. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? I mean, I think so.  Has anyone in your family ever served in the military? Yeah. Finish the next line in your style: Roses are red, violets are blue… I’m tired, how ‘bout you? What embarrasses you instantly? If I spittle while talking or food or drink falls out my mouth while talking. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? No. I’m a paraplegic for one thing, so that’d make things kind of difficult. Do you often read your horoscope? I don’t at all. I don’t believe in that stuff. I never really did, it was more just for fun, but now I don’t even bother. What current event are you tired of hearing about? Trump. Are you a daredevil? HA. What common pitfalls do you find yourself dealing with in your work life? I don’t have a job. Describe your “poker face”. No expression? Isn’t that what it is in general, not just to me specifically? What do you think should be censored? I don’t see the issue of having curse words and nudity censored for children. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Not that I know of. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? I couldn’t. How do you encourage yourself when you go through hard times? I don’t encourage myself, I wallow. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes. I went to a shooting range with friends once.  Do you think people, including yourself live up to their full potential? Maybe this is my full potential. Maybe this is all I got to give. How are you different from most people? I don’t know.  What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Love? What creature do you admire for its ability to adapt? Uhhh. How do you feel about GMOs? >> I think the whole process is interesting, and I think there are clear benefits to genetic modification, and I think there are clear detriments to genetic modification, and that’s just how it goes. <<<  Have you ever stayed up for an entire 24 hours, why? Yes. No good reason, just happened. Who is a female role model in your life?  My mom. What childhood dreams have you neglected? All of them? I know child me didn’t dream of a life like this. How often do you reevaluate your life? I need to really do that and start taking steps in the right direction, but I just haven’t been able to for some reason. What’s your favorite place just to hang out? My room. What gives you a zest for life? I’m not feelin’ very zesty. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? A future where I have better health and a relationship. I can’t see those things at all. What three things do you think of most of each day? A lot of things. My mind is a mess and it’s always racing. Would you travel to space if possible? No. Just the thought terrifies me. Name a famous person you wouldn’t mind for a business partner. I’m not a business person, nor do I desire to be, so I have no need for a business partner. 

[fictionalabyss]

Do 'em all 🤣🤣

You jerk rofl. Okay, this is gonna take a while..

also under a readmore cuz long.

1. describe yourself.- Mel, 32, mom of two, mental health issues, and no idea of who I am or ever was.. lover, fighter, spiteful, friendlier than I’d care to admit. I think that about does it?

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be? I’d be willing to go to a lot of places, honestly. Scotland is top of the list if I can count a wedding as an expense haha.

3. do you have siblings? On my mothers side, no, I’m an only child. On my fathers side, I have a half brother, and two step brothers.  I haven’t seen them since I was 11 though, but they’ve been added to my fb and now ignore my existence there.

4. what is your favorite constellation, why? Don’t think I have a favourite.

5. favorite color. Don’t have one. I like different colours for different things, and even that can change with my mood.

6. what kind of music do you listen to? Pretty much everything. My workout music (basically the only time i have time for music) ranges from the 50′s cowboy and love songs all the way to more current EDM and some metal. You introduced me to Mongolian metal, and I’ve come across and Indian metal band that has a song about fighting depression, and I love them so much. I’m still sad to have missed both Babymetal and Alestorm (Scottish pirate metal) when they came to town. Alestorm actually offered me free tickets if they could name Matrim when I was pregnant rofl.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)  Wild flowers. I have violets that grow wild in my back yard and I love them.

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn? I think at most, I’d like to learn minor healing, or something that would attract goodness to people.

9. favorite childhood memory.The memory of Pat getting in the baby swing and yelling “push me on the swing, mommy!” and me pushing him as high as I could and leaving him there when he got stuck roflrofl. We were 9, and it’s basically how this relationship started. I was annoyed, he was in love. I’m still annoyed but now we’re both in love.

10. have you ever been cheated on? Not that I’m aware of, but that might not have been for a lack of trying. WORD ON THE STREET WAS one of my ex’s was trying to get with someone else while with me and was turned down.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be? Big and spacious. Super comfy bed, plenty of pillows. But also a little corner with a fort that I can be little in. Close proximity to both bathroom and kitchen for obvious reasons. Big window with cute curtains. and all the thing my current room has, but less unfolded laundry rofl.

12. favorite animal. Don’t have one, but it for sure isn’t a fkin slug I’ll tell you that. Pete the peeper ruined that for all slugs.

13. what was the last photo you took of? Luke’s new pokemon cards so I could show Pat while he was at work.

14. do you believe in soul mates? I do. I believe that soulmates aren’t just lovers, but that you can have many people that your soul resonates with. I had one, or thought I did, until I was dropped like hot garbage and shit was said behind my back like I’d never find out. The fucked up part, if I got an apology, I’d probably believe them and let them back into my life like I did last time. Because I’m a fucking sucker and a slave to my heart. But the more you hurt me, the harder you have to work for my trust so I’ll probably never get one. Too much work.

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under? I have a toddler, so under so he can’t just unravel the whole fucking thing into the toilet by slapping his hand on it.

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there. Greenstop and Poutine. They have this killer brown gravy omg.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason? yeah. Everything is either a consequence to our actions, or a lesson to be learned. Karma, my friend. And sometimes, bad shit just happens so you have room in your life for better things. That’s how I got you and Kay.

18. guilty pressures? You mean other than 80′s and 90′s one hit wonders?

19. favorite mythical creature, why? Dragon. Cuz...dragon?

20. something most people don’t know about you. Uh.. not everyone knows me to be as friendly as you tumblr peeps do. Truth is, I’m kind of known as a bitch in person. I don’t socialize well because of my crippling anxiety, and have RBF, so people just assume. Others know it as fact because I treat people the way they treat me.

21. where did you grow up, what was it like? at 8, I moved across the street from where I live now. Before that, I lived in ‘The Point’ but most of my childhood memories are of here. A lot of my neighbours are the same people. I grew up in the 90′s, so we use to play in the street day and night and there were no worries. I’d go from park to park, house to house, just wandering from place to place with my friends. No parents, just us, as long as I got everyone back out front by the time the street lights came on, and then it was hide and seek in the dark while all the parents drank on one of the balconies and watched. It’s not like that here anymore.

22. do you believe aliens exist? You’d be an idiot to think that we are the only lifeforms anywhere.

23. what was your last google search? Big Iron by Marty Robbins.

24. what did your last relationship teach you? You really wanna get into that? It taught me that no matter what I know about a person, I don’t know them. If they talk shit about other people to me, they are talking shit about me to other people. It taught me that just because they earned my trust once, doesn’t mean they should get a free pass on it for life, that I should make them keep earning it. And finally, than when they say “I’ll understand if it doesn’t work out” it’s bullshit. I’ll end up tossed aside and forgotten while I break. And when I realize I deserve better and move on, everything becomes my fault.

25. would you relocate for love? depends where. Example : I love Kay, but I ain’t moving to Florida roflrofl.

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy? Forgive far too easily the first few times. After that, fuck you.

27. favorite book. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert? Introvert.

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now? I have attempted to a few times. Didn’t work out. so no.

30. top 5 favorite movies. Porky’s trilogy. Ginger Snaps trilogy. uhhhhhhm.. fuck.. idk, why do you do this to me, I can’t pick favourites.

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason? We already went over this.

32. what is your greatest fear? Falling.

33. favorite alcoholic beverage. Jack, disarono, Fluffed marshmallow vodka. UPPERCUT. legit, go into a bar and order an uppercut.

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done. If i could think of something, I wouldn’t tell you guys muahahha.

35. do you believe in ghosts? not sure.

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality? That I’m nicer than I’d like to be. I’m mush. I’m forgiving and kind, and loving and sometimes I hate it.

37. should you split the dinner bill? Who am I at dinner with?

38. are you a good liar? Fuck no roflroflrofl. I’m the worst at it.

39. what keeps you up at night? these days, story ideas.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music? bye bye music.

41. do you believe in god? Nope.

42. how do you relax when frustrated? Mindless game on my phone, nap, or binge something.

43. what’s something that offends you? people. People offend me.

44. favorite food I’m a sucker for a good lasagne. but also cheesecake. I can never have too much cheesecake. I mean, I can, I’m lactose intolerant, but shush. Something are worth it.

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be? If there’s booze on the flight, anyone. if not, literally no one. I’ll just pound back some Oxazepam and nap. wake me up when we get there.

46. when do you feel the most confident? never. ROFL.

47. what do you do on your free time? What is free time?

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect Oh yeah. If you’ve read this far, you might have an idea.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart? Probably not, no.

50. did/do you play sports in school? In gym class. Oh, and I did that one summer to Tball and hated it.

51. when are you happiest? when I'm asleep.

52. coffee or tea? Tea. fuck your coffee.

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without? internet.

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person? Height.

55. what is your favorite season, why? I love winter, because I love everything looking so white and clean when the snow is fresh. But I also love spring because of the rain, and summer for storms and fall for colors and good weather.

56. what makes you laugh? What doesn’t.

57. are you a clean or messy person? I was given the nickname ‘Messy’ at 10 for a reason. It still applies.

58. what is important for a successful relationship? Be it friendship or romantic relationship, my answer is the same. Trust and Honesty.

59. what was your upcoming like? Do you mean upbringing? I had a single mom who worked all the time. I was pretty independent.

60. favorite holiday? Christmas.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery? pay off debts.

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination? Bacon crumble and cheese. Not bacon bits, fuck that shit. Bacon fucking crumble. its like, little balls of bacon or something and not many places have it anymore *sad panda*

63. favorite outdoor activity. meditation. Does that count? I just like to be barefoot outside.

64. how are you? honestly. It’s 9 am, and I’m already getting frustrated with kids. And I have a soccer game and medal ceremony coming up soooooooooooo.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort? how about cabin in the woods, ooooor a beach resort with woods backing it. yeah.

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature? everything.

67. favorite type of candy? Don’t got one.

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title? something super depressing, I’m sure.

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases? “Later masturbater” (The Pest)

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now? Frosted tips, mesh shirts, and snap away track pants on men HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,. Oh, them early 00′s. I legit saw someone wearing them a few years ago and almost died.

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on? dunno hombre.

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched? uhhhhhhh

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had? again, 90′s. Mushroom cut with a nike check saved in the back HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, everyone had that way back when.

74. what do you like to cook? most things.

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild? wild beavers make me happy.

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen? Japanese game shows. nothing is as funny as japanese games shows. Human Tetris for example is fucking hilarious.

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head? Heart. Unfortunately.

78. what is your favorite quote? I’m not sure these days.

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had? I’m not sure..

80. what’s your love language? I dunno. I legit just had to google what they were, and I’m not sure which.

81. do you ever feel alone? Always.

82. ever been bullied? Far too many times.

83. are you usually early or late? Early, thanks anxiety.

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most? these days, written. But I love paintings the most, i think.

85. what do you wish you knew more about? Everything. If I could, I’d go to school and learn everything that interests me even the slightest.

[bffhreprise]

Best Friend For Hire Reprise, Entry 387

 “Kayla, how do I look?” I asked, triple-checking that my tie was tied correctly.

 “Dashing?” she suggested without bothering to look up.

 I rolled my eyes just as she glanced up at me.  Then I told her “As always, behave and get your schoolwork done.  I’ll see you when I get home.”

 “Yes, Jemal.” she told me in that worn tone she used when she felt I had pestered her too much.

 When I opened the door, a large group of people shouted “Happy birthday, Jemal!”

 “Wh-What?” I asked, not comprehending what I was seeing.  My birthday was four days ago, and everyone had already celebrated it, presents and all.

 “Sorry, but your job today was a lie.” James told me with a broad smile.  “Surprising multiple people in one month can be tricky, but I thought we might try, even if we put off the main celebration a few days.  Tuesday just wouldn’t work for scheduling, not with you taking on two separate jobs, so sorry that things were a bit dull that day.  You know you could’ve had the day off.”

 “I was in on it too!” exclaimed Kayla with a big grin from behind me as she ran up to give me a hug.

 “B-But guys… I’m not… I’m pretty ordinary.  Why?  I mean, you all wished me a happy birthday on the day.” I told them, still not understanding why they’d do this for me.

 “You’re our friend, doofus.” stated Emma as she crossed her arms.  “We’re not letting you off with such a bland celebration.”

 “And you’re not ordinary.” insisted Maple, looking as beautiful as ever, as she stepped toward me.  She leaned close as she reached up to place a hat on my head, forcing me to struggle not to embrace her.

 Even Dejon was here, patting my arm just after Maple finished with the hat.  “Time to take a day off from your studies and work.  You’re amazing enough for today, so let’s have some fun.” he explained reassuringly, actually smiling for once.

 “Happy birthday!” exclaimed Noelle.  “We should party all day!”

 “Great idea, Noelle.” commented Brandon, smirking at her.  Then he looked at me and asked “Ready for breakfast?  James insisted that we wait for you.”

 Brenna hit him.  “You’re the only one who suggested eating without him if he’s late, which he isn’t.”

 “Sorry, Jemal.  You know Brandon.” added Deyanira, giving him a playful hit as she held his arm.  “Food really is waiting though.  I came extra early, so I didn’t miss it.”

 “Got it.  Food.  Let’s go, people!” I told them as I headed down the hall, doing my best not to let my eyes get anymore moist.  I had never expected this.

 I certainly hadn’t expected such a feast for breakfast either.  After staring at everything for several seconds, I realized what I was seeing.  “A ham and gravy danish!?” I exclaimed excitedly, dishing one up immediately.  “You made grits!?  How did you guys find out I liked these?” I asked, feeling completely dumbfounded.

 “I remembered!” replied Kayla, beaming up at me.

 I patted her head as I said, “Marco, thank you!  I haven’t had these since my mom died.”

 Marco shrugged.  “You know where the… request board is, no?  I aim to please.” he reminded me with a grin, not seeming remotely bothered by the idea that my taste in food still wasn’t as fancy as his.

 Talking a little more with the others, I loaded up my food and took a seat, already salivating at the smells.

 “Happy birthday, Jemal.” stated Alma with a large smile as she passed by me.  “I don’t wish to interrupt the festivities, but I have news I thought everyone should hear.”  Her smile seemed somewhat mysterious now.  Instead of simply telling us, she showed us, projecting sensation straight into our heads.

 Alma was sitting in a room I had never seen, working and humming to herself.  Then she felt something, which was super strange to me, being a guy who could now actually feel what pregnancy was like.  I could feel how careful she was being with everything she touched, having strength enough to bend steel with ease.  Then there was a presence, someone unexpected.  I understood only after Alma’s confusion warmed to joy.  The feeling was coming from her child.  The baby was… curious?

 The vision ended and James immediately asked “Was that…?”

 Speaking simultaneously, Ai and Mai exclaimed “Your child!”

 “Mom, that’s so cool!” called Dani, jumping out of her seat to run over and hug Alma.

 Speaking on top of everyone else, Emma said, “She can communicate already?”

 Alma nodded and said, “Yes, in a vague way.”

 “Might be a boy.” James pointed out.  “No need to guess a gender yet.”

 “Oh, man-slave, there’s nothing wrong with knowing the gender.” insisted Emma.

 “There’s nothing wrong with surprises either.” he countered.

 Emma rolled her eyes.

 “Don’t you want to figure out a name in advance?” questioned Deyanira.

 “If we have a boy, I already have a name picked out.” he told her smugly.

 “We wonder what.” stated Ai flatly.

 “No, not really.” argued Mai.

 “I do!” exclaimed Noelle, looking happy and a bit confused.

 “I’d like to carry on the family tradition, naming him after me.” James told us proudly, though he tried being nonchalant with a shrug.

 I wasn’t so sure that I’d want to give a kid the same name as me, but my family didn’t have that tradition either.  I did understand a joy in traditions, especially eating Marco’s Southern style breakfast.  That man really could cook everything to perfection.

 “Naming a girl after Alma then?” inquired Emma.

 Still smiling, Alma said, “No, I’d rather not.  I don’t know what I’d do if James started showing more affection to a different Alma.”  She brushed her free hand through my hair while the other still hugged Dani.

 “Well, ‘Emma’ is a fantastic name that any girl would love to call her own.” insisted Emma with a mischievous grin.

 “Don’t you feel that having the same name might get confusing at times?  Someone calls ‘Emma’, and you both answer?” suggested Jarod.

 “Then we’d laugh, smile, hug, and blame whoever had the wrong Emma!  Your wives obviously don’t mind people confusing them.” she pointed out.

 He shrugged as he glanced at Ai and Mai to smile at them.

 “She’d probably only respond if she thought something good was coming.  You know she wouldn’t respond to ‘Emma, clean your room!’” teased Cosette.

 Acting if she had just been stabbed, Emma exclaimed “Hey, my room’s clean!  Tell her, Mila!”

 “Perfectly.” agreed Mila.  “We just won’t mention what can’t be freely seen.”

 “Et tu, Mila!?” exclaimed Emma, gawking at Mila.

 Mila shrugged and smiled.

 “Whatever we decide, I’ll fight anyone who takes issue with it, except for Raine.  I’ll let my husband fight her.” teased Alma.

 At the mention of her, I looked around to find Raine.  She sat at the far side of the table next to Mai, looking sheepish as ever.  That girl’s abilities still blew my mind.  

 “If you want a good name, everyone knows the best names come from France.” insisted Babette confidently.

 “Trying to pick a fight with most of the people here?” asked James with a smirk.

 Looking surprised, Achille asked “Isn’t she always?”

 As the two eyed one another, Alma said, “Not today, you two.  There’s too much fun to be had.”

 “What do you have planned?” I asked, surprised that there was more coming.  James had implied as much, but I didn’t really see what could beat this.

 Alma simply shrugged, though her smile made me think she knew.

 After breakfast, everyone brought me to the theater to watch something together.  Then we spent a couple hours swimming through floating pools of water behind the house, which was an amazing experience.  Huge bubbles of water just levitated wherever the twins wanted them, allowing us to do dives through one floating bubble into another.  No one even had a care for safety, not with Raine promising to catch anyone who missed.  I certainly wasn’t going to argue with her.  Lunch was every bit as elaborate as breakfast, though not as Southern themed.  I actually got to play some basketball with the others for once.  Usually, Brandon, Emma, and Iris were the only ones who’d come shoot with me in the employee gym.  Of course, I hadn’t really thought about how many people here would make every single shot.  After James had used some large spell to clean us all of sweat, Maple insisted that I come with her.

 Till that day, I wasn’t entirely sure where we stood relationship-wise, which had earned me a playful hit.  Apparently, the dates we had gone on counted as dating-dating for her, so I had a girlfriend and just didn’t fully realize it.  By the time we rejoined the others that night, I couldn’t think of how the day could get any better.

[voidchill]

In 9:18 Dragon, a 6 year old human is found in the Kocari Wilds. Her demonstration of magic grants her a one-way ticket to Kinloch Hold.

These events would hardly stand out if not for two facts: 1) She knows she's trapped in a video game. 2) She was 26 years old, the last she checked.

The upside: 12 years should be more than enough time to come up with a plan to survive the impending Blight. (She hopes)

[Note: This story is also on AO3]

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

Warnings for body shaming.

[9:18 Dragon] [Helena: 6 years old – Thedas | 26 years old – Earth]

 Mom stands in front of the stove in a pair of short shorts and a hoodie, her platinum hair swept up into a bun on the very top of her head with a red scrunchie.  She dishes up her signature Hamburger Helper with a side of mashed potatoes and peas.  

Helena counts only four plates.  Sometimes she wonders if Mom actually eats.

“She got more mashed potatoes than me,” Abby whines once Mom divvies up the plates.

“No, I didn’t,” Rebecca sneers back.  “You already ate half of yours cuz you’re fat.”

Alex chortles at the end of the table, shaking with mirth from his slim arms up to his light brown bowl cut.  

Helena watches from across the table as Abby’s eyes well with tears.

“Shut up,” Abby demands, glaring from under her own messier bowl cut.

“Fatty, fatty, boom-buh-latti,” Alex singsongs.

With a war cry, Abby brings a meaty fist down on Alex’s bony left shoulder.

Alex stops laughing.

“Don’t touch me,” he snarls, shoving Abby.

Abby’s eyes widen in panic, her hands grasping onto the end of the table to keep her chair upright.

“Knock it off,” Mom scolds as she steps between them, her long, bony fingers curling around each of their arms.

“She started it,” Alex hisses, jerking against her grip.

“I don’t care who started it, I’m finishing it.”

“Can I have more mashed potatoes?” Rebecca asks, her tone almost as bright as her long blonde hair.

Helena notes the smug curl to her lips as Mom releases their younger siblings to take her plate.

“But I asked first,” Abby points out.

“I know, hold on,” Mom says, scooping another dollop onto Rebecca’s plate.

Abby pouts.

Helena looks down at her own plate.  Mom gave her one of the chipped ones, but at least she left out those soggy noodles. Plain hamburger gravy poured on a scoop of mashed potatoes—just the way she likes it.  Well, almost.  She grimaces at the small pile of peas encroaching on her mashed potatoes and nudges them away with her fork.

“You better be eating those peas.”

Helena glances up to find Mom frowning down at her from the other side of the table.

“I love peas,” Rebecca announces from Mom’s left, tilting her chin up as she sucks a scoop off of her spoon.

“Me too,” Abby adds from her right.

Alex fumes, glaring down at his plate as he rubs the arm Mom grabbed.

“I don’t,” Helena mutters down at her plate.

“They’re good for you,” Mom says.

“They’re gross,” Helena insists, poking one.  She grimaces at the green ooze on the end of her fork.

Mom’s frown deepens, her wrinkles sinking further, almost as if someone carved them there.

“I don’t care if you like them or not.  They’re good for you,” she repeats in that tone that makes Helena’s shoulders hunch, “and you’re not leaving this table until you eat them.”

Helena glares down at her plate.  She can’t eat them, she’ll throw up.  Why does she have to choke these stupid peas down?  Why didn’t Mom make more of an effort?  Why didn’t she find vegetables that Helena could eat?  If Mom had exposed Helena to different vegetables then, she could—

Helena blinks, dropping her fork.

“I don’t have to eat this,” she realizes, staring at her hands, her fingers slim but long.

Too long for this script.

Another fork clangs onto one of the plates across from her.

“Excuse me?” Mom hisses. “You will eat every single pea on that plate or—”

Helena raises her head. The seats around the table are empty.

“No, I really fucking won’t.”

Mom gasps.

“What did you just say?”

“Fuck, fuckety, fuck fuck,” Helena replies in a jaunty tune, pushing back her chair.

“You—sit back down and finish your dinner,” Mom demands.  “Now.”

“Screw you—you’re not my real mom.”  Helena laughs, looking down at her, even if only by an inch or so.  “Besides, even if you were, I still wouldn’t have to eat shit.”

The Thing pretending to be her mom jerks closer, its body thinning as it stretches taller, and Helena wants to laugh.  Their height difference had always been near negligible—just that inch or so.  The Thing could double its size, but it couldn’t shove Helena back down onto small hands and clumsy legs.  Not now.

The Thing stops growing after half a foot and strides through the table between them, the illusion warping around its form as its face cracks.

The Thing hisses, “You little—”

“This isn’t real,” Helena points out, triumphant even as her heart thunders in her chest.

A bright flash of light fills the room and Helena shields her eyes, staggering back.  When she drops her arm, she finds both the light and her old kitchen gone, along with whatever had worn the guise of her mother. A path bracketed by rocks extends before her, the world a wash of green and a vacuous darkness.

“’And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you,’” Helena murmurs, turning in place with wide eyes.

“Where did you find that?” a voice asks from behind her.

Helena jumps and whips around, catching a glimpse of gold and purple before the world tilts and she smacks into stone.

“Ow,” she hisses, blinking bleary eyes around her.

A faint, flickering light illuminates the stone walls of the infirmary.  She leans against the cot behind her and reaches to untangle the blanket around her legs, pausing when she sees her childlike hands.

Not like, she corrects, shoulders falling.

 …

 Helena steps into Irving's office, hands clenched in the fabric of her robes to keep from tripping. Her gaze sweeps across the bookshelves, but she resists the urge to investigate further.  Based on her playthroughs of Inquisition, she knows the likelihood of finding any texts written with the English alphabet is low.

And isn't that a Harrowing thought—a bibliophile unable to read.

"Do you have an interest in books?" Irving's voice snaps Helena's gaze to the opposite side of the room, watching the man stride forward and sift through some papers on his desk.

Once again, she strains under the desire for honesty.  Who knows what age children learn to read in this world?  Her answer might betray her in some way.

Irving turns around and Helena shrugs, her lips twisting.

“You will have plenty of time to familiarize yourself in the coming months,” Irving comments as he meanders passed her.  He raises a hand to the bookcase and plucks out a slim book.  “You might even discover an appreciation for them.”

Helena pictures her bookcases at home, the shelves warping under the weight of her collection.

Irving opens the book to a page with a few drawings and offers it to Helena.  Her shoulders slump, but she keeps her hands gentle as she studies the strange symbols scribed across the yellowed paper.

“What does it say?” she asks, gaze caught on a sketch of a young woman surrounded by some kind of force field.

“I’ve found this book to be quite helpful as an introductory text.  This page,” Irving taps on the sketch of the young woman, “describes just one of the many ways your gifts can be harnessed to protect you.”

A slew of responses rise to the forefront of her thoughts, but fracture before reaching her mouth.

“Oh,” Helena murmurs instead of contributing, gaze shifting to the swirling dark figures pressing against the woman’s barrier.

“The common term for this spell is ‘Mind Blast,’” Irving says, with a note of amused exasperation, “though it’s far more complex than such a name would suggest.  The bash of a warrior’s shield cannot compare to this spell’s concussive force or ‘blast.’”

Helena glances up at Irving, noting the rehearsed quality of his words that spoke of past arguments.  

“It’s a wave of pure will drawn from deep within the caster,” Irving explains.  “To use it to stagger an opponent is to overpower their own force of will, even if only for a moment.”

“Will you teach me?” Helena wonders, voice small.

Irving smiles.

“You will learn that and more, child.  Here at the Circle, we are dedicated to educating our apprentices in the arcane arts, so that they may hone their craft and prepare themselves for the difficulties ahead.”

Helena closes the book.

“You mean demons?”

Something in Irving’s smile or his eyes shifts, and Helena recalls that cutscene she watched on YouTube once upon a time, wherein he urged both Amell and Surana to trick Jowan.

“Yes, demons are but one difficulty you will face.”

Helena restrains herself from scoffing at that.

No kidding.

“Tell me, child, can you remember your first use of magic?  What led you into the Wilds?”

Helena remembers blinking in something deeper than darkness, something absent and void, ears so clogged with that void that even her thoughts grew muffled under the panic, throat scraped raw from—screaming?  Was she screaming?

She remembers her life on Earth.  Her family, her friends.  She can visualize her bedroom with all its clutter and knickknacks.

She tries to recall what led to that moment of silent cacophony and finds only absence.

The last thing she did, the last person she spoke to—all swallowed in that void.

And then the templars.

“No,” Helena admits. She shifts in place, tapping her thumb against the book.  “Do you know how the templars found me?”

Irving sighs, though not unkindly.

“Do not trouble yourself. I am certain you will recover those memories in time.”  Irving extends a hand and Helena returns the book, trying not to frown.  “In the meantime, let us focus on getting you settled.”

Helena wants to insist Irving give her a real answer, but in the end she just nods, trailing after him.  He leads her into the hallway and she works to keep her steps measured, grimacing at the thought of meeting anyone else.

[lionofstone]

I was tagged by @lostlastsforever756! thank you, this is a fun challenge! 

I’m going to tag: @captaindicks @redxheart and literally anyone else who writes who wants to do it!! I’m struggling to come up with urls at the moment but I know there are lots of you!! 

rules

List the first lines (or paragraphs) of your last 20 stories (or however many you have altogether). I shared 15! 

See if there are any patterns.

Then, tag your favourite authors

ON AO3:

“It was a common misconception— that’s what happens when stories get passed down through word of mouth and rumour— but Merlin never attended Hogwarts. He hadn’t needed to, not when he was a naturally gifted sorcerer, who dealt with an entirely different branch of magick. He minded his business, he never strayed too far from Camelot, and he never paid any attention to the strange castle in Scotland.” -- from don’t let me hold you here (i’m not sure i want you to stay), an Arthurian Legend/Harry Potter fusion. 

“He didn’t mean to become immortal. It wasn’t premeditated and it wasn’t his birthright; it was a promise. Over the years since, he’d been offered ways out, handed silver daggers and steaming cups and magick spells that all promote relief, escape, death— but Merlin has never once broken a promise.” -- from the earth will hold me here (until you decide to stay) a continuation of the above.  

“the first time she called the winter soldier a good man, she meant a good shot, a good trainer, a good soldier. she meant good in the way of the red room, in the way of her twisted moral compass, and she was sure that he understood. but he blinked at her, twice, fast, an unfamiliar action, and she thought that maybe she'd scratched the surface of something more.” -- from (i’m gonna) give my secrets away, a buckynat mcu fic

ON TUMBLR: 

“‘She looks like death!’ She hears someone whisper as she passes them on the street, and curves her pale lips into a smirk as she wonders what her sister would think of that.” -- from pestilence 

“She’s a frail thing. A tight waist, count-the-ribs through her dress, jutting collar bones and knobbly knees, sunken cheeks and a long neck. Her breath comes out in jagged gasps and her speech is always in forms of future tense and tears. Hunger. Back breaking, stomach aching, completely insatiable hunger. That’s her nature.” -- from famine

“Some would say she has blood on her hands, but she prefers to think that she carries it in her mouth. Deep red and thick, the blood of revolution and monarchies. Blood mingled with words that she releases at just the right moment to make a perfect impact. It stains her tongue to the point that kindness is near impossible, friendship is all but forgotten. She is scraped knees and red eyes, whispers and shouts, all of it timed to the exact right moment. She carries words in her mouth, passion and fury, triumph and defeat, the thrill of a battle cry, personal and impersonal. And blood. So much blood.” -- from war 

“She is the oldest, in terms of eternities, and yet she follows behind her sisters, the last to arrive at any of their events. (She has no power over the souls that have already passed or the ones who are still living. Her power rests in those on the brink, the ones who have not yet passed, but have just given up life, these are the souls that she takes up carefully in her hand and send whichever way is necessary for that particular being.) Death has never been one for watching the living. She just never cared.” - from death

“maybe this is what you get for loving the divine. the taste of blood in the back of your throat and eyes itchy from crying, a mess of a bedsheet and your sister running her fingers through your hair because you’re too tired to fall asleep.” -- from this, an unfinished scrap of an idea

“They had always been seen as different. With a name like Xephos, they were bound to stand out. A name that every substitute teacher mispronounced, that was never on those bracelets or mugs or signs sold at farmers markets and souvenir shops. A name that they had to spell every time they said it because apparently saying ‘zee-fuh-OO-sss’ wasn’t enough for most people.” -- from xephos, one of the name-based prompts I did last year

“Morgan was thirteen when she fell in the lake.” -- from morgan, another name-based prompt

“She is quiet. She has always been quiet, and yet, you know so much about her. When you first found her, covered, somehow, in golden light and song, in the garden behind your house, she had only told you her name. You figured out the rest on your own.” -- from an angel captived watching a kids nativity and getting really close to the stage

“Imagine the heroes. Imagine victores in bello, the celebrated veterans, the newly made winners. They’re the first of their kind; the first to experience war and the first to win it and the first to be broken by it. The fraction of the Host that both stood with Heaven and made it through the war alive is smaller than it should be, smaller than they like to focus on, but they’re here, and they’re alive, and that’s worth celebrating.” -- from imagine michael 

WIPS/UNPOSTED: 

“She has friends outside of work. Or, she tries to. She has acquaintances-she-calls-friends that she goes to church with who she occasionally talks to about her life, mostly to tell stories of the antics people at work get up to.” -- from so what does that make god (to the girl that you love), an unfinished Lucifer/Ella Lucifer fic 

“‘Find another ghost hunter.’ Katy’s voice cut across the front lawn, her hands shoved in her trouser pockets, her usual trench streaming behind her in the wind. Noah trotted along behind her, his little paws silent against the pavement. Payton, who’d been sitting in the car, rolled down the window at the sound of Katy’s shout.” -- from the katy quinn adventures, a (potential) series about a ghost hunter named katy, her girlfriend payton, and their dog noah. 

“The first thing he did when he landed was go to a diner. It was called The Greasy Spoon and it stank of cheap meat and burnt gravy. The food tasted worse than it smelled. He didn’t care. He felt as though he hadn’t eaten in a thousand years. In all fairness, he hadn’t. It hadn’t been a problem before.” -- from luciferous, my creative writing coursework this year 

I didn’t specifically notice any patterns, but I guess I always try to start with something startling?? Like, ‘he didn’t mean to become immortal’ or ‘morgan was thirteen when she fell into the lake’ are both statements that make people stop?? they’re unexpected, I guess, or at least I hope they are! And when I start with dialogue, which is rare, it’s the same thing: ‘she looks like death!’ or ‘find another ghost hunter!’ 

also I’ve noticed this before about myself but I don’t like revealing character’s names right away?? I will almost always try to obscure it until later on in the piece. I think the only one here where I don’t do that is the katy quinn adventures but that’s because this story would be one of the later in the collection. 

an interesting breakdown (at least to me): ten of these are about women, three are about men, one is in second person with an unspecified gender, and one is about someone who’s genderless. 

[faithfulnews]

Thanksgiving from the Upside Down . . . and Stuffing

Today I am preparing a message for New Day Community Church in Stockton that has a special Thanksgiving Day Service tomorrow, followed by a Thanksgiving meal, and I have been invited to speak. I am not sure if I am more excited about talking during the service or presenting my Thanksgiving stuffing at the meal. And since I am preparing both at the same time, I thought I would add notes on both. Besides, my chef daughter Elizabeth asked me yesterday for my stuffing recipe so now is a good time to share my thoughts on my stuffing and also my message which deals with a spirit of thanksgiving when things go wrong, go upside down, as they did for me last year when I lost my wife of 29 years to malaria in Africa.

First of all, the stuffing. It’s different for me every year and I don’t have exact measurements but I can tell you that the first thing I do is roast a chicken. This gives me the stock I need to add the right taste long before the turkey turns up. And I put the heart/liver/neck etc in a pot and boil it for 20 mins to get even more stock which gives taste and moisture.

And since I am roasting a chicken, I might as well roast a few potatoes also.  I will get a separate meal out of this – roast chicken and potatoes for my family, but no gravy because all the juice and stock will go into the stuffing.

The big players for the stuffing are celery, onion, and meat. I sautée each one separately in butter and throw them into a large bowl. I usually do bacon and mushrooms but don’t have any right now. And my kids hate mushrooms so I am used to not cooking them, but I totally recommend them.  For the meat, I like to mix it up with bacon and different minces, pork is good. I have used some rabbit before for a more gamey taste. But today is beef because its all I have.

The other big player, apart from croutons (which I will talk about in a minute) is parsley. I used a big bunch of it, cut roughly but not chunky. And rosemary needs to be present – thyme might suffice – but rosemary is a necessity. I had to sneak into my neighbor’s yard to steal some but I told them 6 months ago I would do this on occasion and they were cool with that.

But what about that message. Ah yes. The text is Ephesians 5.

8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,     rise from the dead,     and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul borrows here from Isaiah 60:1 but takes a little license in adding his own spin. I want to do the same thing with this passage. Most people read it in a prescriptive way – a list of do’s and dont’s, which is fine. Giving thanks is a command. Yes. An argument can be made for that and I could make it also. But there is a deeper layer here that I see as descriptive – a pattern, a journey, a teaching on not only what to do, but what happens when you do that. And this is what I want to share tomorrow.

It goes like this.

As you step into the light and embrace God (does that sound too SHIRLEY MACLAINE for church? HA HA) and as you are embraced by God (oooh ok this is WAAAY TOOO SHIRLEY), something will happen to your mind and your heart

Your mind

You will gain perspective, you will be illuminated, enlightened. You will understand what God is up to and you will speak out on behalf of that truth. This will affect your life – you will recalibrate your life, your actions, your habits to align with what you know of God and what he is doing. What is good, what is right, what is true. This will be your new default setting.

Your heart

God will put a song in your heart. That song will play even through the most difficult circumstances. You will have a soundtrack, and its called “thanksgiving” and that will spill out into encouragement to others. Thanksgiving will also become a new default setting. Just like a drunk person is controlled by alcohol, you will be consumed with and controlled by God’s Spirit. This will change your demeanor, alter your posture, define the way you hold yourself and the way you relate to other people. You will be a person characterized by thanksgiving and not a person who bickers, judges, fights, complains or sees life as half empty.  This god-filled-ness will also spill out into other relationships including the way you relate to others, as one who uses your song to encourage and uplift others who need to hear, and as you relate to your spouse and your children and parents – you will be someone who easily surrenders and submits and finds common ground, seeking unity, rather than fighting for or defending your ego.

OHHHH I just took the potatoes out of the oven. They are lovely and crispy. Nothing to do with the stuffing but this will be a great compliment to the roast chicken tonight.

Speaking of the stuffing, I spruced mine up with lemon juice, sauteed garlic, and raisins. I usually add orange zest, and to be honest it really needs it, but don’t have any oranges today.

For the liquid, which is really important because you don’t want your stuffing dry, I added orange juice, white wine, stock from the liver/heart, and stock/juices from the chicken itself. Melted butter also works and I waited until the very end until pouring some all over the top and over the cranberries so they would turn golden brown and not burn.

This is really lame. I spelled the word “THANK-FUL” with the cranberries. You can’t even read it. You need to ask for the gift of interpretation to even see it. But thats OK. I know it’s there and its a teaching embedded into the stuffing that will impact people, even subconsciously, but the most important thing is that it has meaning for me.

Oh yes, those croutons. I took the rest of our bread, cut it up into cubes, and baked it in the oven until it was firm and a little brown. They need to be robust enough to handle the liquid. And I added herbs – whatever I had. Sage is awesome. Thyme is marvellous. I had neither, but, as I say, I used what I had. I also ran short on bread so I scraped off the pizza toppings from the pizza I made last night, cut up the bases and threw them in also. OHH and speaking of leftovers, I only ate half of that amazing Cubano sandwich from Cuban Kitchen in San Mateo yesterday so the ham and pork was also cut up and added to the stuffing. HA!!!!!

Back to my message.

This is my story

Last year I lost my wife. She died of malaria and other diseases. It was the darkest time of my life. I couldn’t sleep alone in a bedroom. I couldn’t make decisions. I lost the other half of myself and after 29 years of oneness with a single person, that is pretty much most of my life and certainly the life I was used to. On top of that I was really sick for a really long time, surviving the diseases that took my wife but basically unable to function for many many months.

And yet, throughout the entire time, I felt God’s presence in a calming way, knowing deep in my heart that He is good, He is faithful, He is patient, He is caring and He will look after me. He knows whats up and that spirit of thanksgiving that permeated my mind and heart was not a drummed up motion of obedience but rather the overflow of truth, of what was real.

Some people think God is distant and occasionally invades earth to bring disaster or tragedy. I see God as near, intimately connected to us and everything else, constantly enlivening and sustaining His creation, always standing guard and protecting us, and yet occasionally and empathetically removing his hand when He knows the time is right.

This is my song

The name of my song was thanksgiving. It was there all the way through the devastating process of losing my wife and explaining to my youngest daughter that she no longer had a mother. I am not being chirpy here. I am not being naive or brainlessly religious. Yes IT HURT. IT HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN MY LIFE and I was hurled into the Upside Down world of darkness, solitude, confusion, fear, GRIEF, emotional pain, and loss of hope for the future. I was BROKEN, plunged into grayness, emptied of life, emptied of hope. I am not reducing that reality or downplaying the significance of what happened to me. I am just saying that there was a soundtrack playing the entire time, a song of thanksgiving. And at my best moments, my grief gave birth to gratefulness.

I am still thankful.

I am thankful for so many good friends.

I am thankful for 29 years of marriage to the most wonderful woman on the planet.

I am thankful that I got to say everything to my wife before she went.

I am thankful that my wife got to finish her race and go out in the way she always imagined, in the country she loved.

I am thankful that my daughter was spared from disease and that I have 5 wonderful kids.

I am thankful for a softer heart and new wave of consideration for others. I am a different person  – more in tune with suffering and more empathetic to those who are going through loss.

I am thankful for the next season that is coming upon me and that I have the freedom to enter in. 

This is my dance

Grief has become my friend and my reminder of a wonderful life with a wonderful woman. My grief is warmer now than it was last year. My grief and the grieving process I have embraced has allowed me to push forward into new levels of understanding and awareness. That has given me a softer heart, as I said, and it has also positioned me to be of help to others who are also grieving. God comforts us so that we can comfort others.

When you lose someone, a lot of other people, more than you can imagine, also lose someone. Grief is a shared experience. Our friends feel the pain of our loss but they also struggle with their own loss. They find it awkward to talk to us about it. But the healing we experience is for them also.

A few months ago one of my wife’s best friends lost her husband. This is what I told her.

It’s a strange dance this grief of ours. We hold our own sadness and allow the processing to continue thru it’s various stages, knowing it moves forward step by step, finding firmer hold with each telling of the story, with each new person entering into the story and at the same time we become priests for others who find it awkward to enter, but know that they need to. We hold the keys for them. We give permission. We invite them into the dance and make it easy for them, we suggest, we put their words out in front of them, we show the appropriateness of the conversation, the shared hurt of loss, the rightful pace and flow of what needs to be said. Being closer to the pain and further along in the process, we hold out our leading hand and invite others into the dance, into the spiral of healing.

My hope tomorrow, at the church, is that other people who have experienced loss, whether the loss of parents or children or spouses, divorce (which can be far more devastating than the loss of  a spouse), the loss of dreams, whatever it is they have lost, that they might enter into that spiral of healing, and find themselves in that dance, with God, where the juxtaposition of pain and joy, of grief and thanksgiving, of tears and laughter, might come together to find healing, wholeness, hope, and a song of thanksgiving that will play on and on. Amen.

This is my stuffing

The stuffing is ready. Its not completely cooked with that attractive blackened burned look but I need to take it to Stockton tomorrow and they will heat it up right before the meal and I think it will come into its own at that moment. I might bring some parsley to freshen it up on location. If you look really carefully, you can almost see the word “THANK-FUL”. Almost.

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