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oneatlatime · 1 year ago

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The Guru

Happy 2024 everyone and welcome to the first time I managed to type 2024 without first typing 2023! Oh and also a write up of The Guru. That too.

Me too Iroh. Me too.

So Zuko is riding high on that post-crisis 'time to get my life together' buzz that, similar to 3 am life plans, should absolutely not be listened to. Wonder how long before he crashes and burns? There's literally 2 episodes left, so I'm guessing one and a half?

Poor Sokka. My boy's got anxiety.

I don't know if it's a monk thing, an airbender thing, an Avatar thing, or an Aang thing, but I envy his complete lack of nerves.

How is Appa ok with them splitting up for a week after JUST getting them back?

I paused in a funny place. Have bonk-eyed Appa.

I love them comparing heights. What do you want to bet that that guy on the right was one of the youngest allowed to go fight, and Sokka made a big deal about how they're almost the same age and surely that means he can go too, right?

A lot of these Southern Water Tribe people have dreads or braids. That's neat.

Bato's arm is still messed up. That's some good continuity.

I've found the source of Katara's cheek bones. I guess Sokka takes after his mum.

Ok I know this is a really emotional moment (and it is! Sokka's spent two seasons earning this!) but my brain fixated on the furs and briefly thought they were sky bison pelts.

"It's been a difficult week for me." This guy thinks the Kyoshi Warriors are there to provide him therapy. Someone please just crown the bear instead.

He just gave away literally every relevant plot point AND outlined how to make sure all these plot points don't succeed. Crown. The. Bear.

Maybe if these generals spent less time playing with their giant model Earth Kingdom and more time general-ing, the war wouldn't suck so much?

Pretty.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the designs, the colour palette, the music, the sound design of this air temple. I love everything about it. If I had the chance to live anywhere in the Avatar universe, it would be here. Even in its ruined state it's such a refreshing contrast to the claustrophobia of Ba Sing Se. I can feel the freshness of the breeze through the screen.

"A spiritual brother of your people" an adult perspective on a near extinct culture! What a resource!

"and a personal friend of Monk Gyatso" an old as balls perspective. He's got to be at least 130.

Anthropology cul de sac time: this guy is so valuable as a resource on the Air Nomads. There's probably parts of Air Nomad culture that Aang can't ever accurately talk about, because he was a kid when he left, and there was almost certainly stuff that the adults kept to themselves, or only shared with the older Air Nomads. This Guru doesn't seem to be an Air Nomad himself, but there's a good chance that there is knowledge that he has, that Aang doesn't. Aang should be nerding out more about this. I'll do the nerding out for him.

Aang just breezes right by that Gyatso name drop like it's nothing. Huh.

Oh hey Toph. I'd forgotten she was in a box. Tweedle dum and Tweedle dumber really are quite the pair. What's their plan for keeping her fed and watered? Actually, these guys apparently don't know that maps exist, so it's probably never occurred to them that humans need sustenance. They'll rock up to the Bei Fong estate with corpse Toph and wonder why they aren't getting the reward money.

Mai gets called out in-universe for shopping at Hot Topic.

Ty Lee's buttering up of Azula is getting less and less subtle as the season progresses. It's a testament to Azula's lack of awareness that she's hasn't noticed that, and that Ty Lee can get away with it.

Azula's right that it's an extraordinary opportunity. The King gave them quite literally every piece of info required to overthrow his kingdom in a 25 second conversation. I can't blame her for taking advantage of such an easy win.

That's a very effective unimpressed face. And a very impressive beard.

It's funny to see a spiritual concept from the real world pop up in a show that includes things like bending and giant fish possession. The mention of Chakras kind of sticks out. They couldn't invent a Avatar universe version?

"Once you begin this process, you cannot stop until all seven are open." Well that doesn't feel like foreshadowing at all.

This episode should be called "Aang's self-care Journey." It's about time the kid had a me day that wasn't avoidance-based.

Fear: Losing Katara - makes sense. Losing control of his powers via fish possession - makes sense. The Fire Lord - makes sense. But the Blue Spirit? He helped. Doesn't make sense.

Guilt: Running away - makes sense, although I thought he'd worked through that with Katara in the storm. Nuking that idiot General's base - makes sense, but boy did he quite literally ask for it.

This guru is saying some wonderfully accurate, and realistic, things. I love that he's not taking the Katara route of denying anything is wrong. He's going for the acknowledge, then heal route. And yes, it's unfair of me to compare the emotional maturity of Katara to a century+ old spiritual expert.

I'm going to ruin the immersion here and point out that Sokka's dad's voice actor voiced a bunch of characters in season 1. He's doing an excellent job, but couldn't they get a unique voice for a character that's so important (albeit offscreen) to Sokka?

That's an incredibly roundabout way of avoiding pointing out that the Southern Water Tribe are active participants in a bloody war. Sure, we can show multiple characters with visible scarring from horrific burns, but heaven forbid we imply that the Southern Water Tribe sinks ships. The parameters for what is and isn't appropriate on this show sometimes make no sense.

"Aren't you listening? I said the rest of you men get ready for battle." He hasn't seen his boy in two years, but fifteen minutes in his company and he knows exactly what needs to be said and how. That's some top tier parenting. Dad of the year. Dad of the century. Only decent Dad in this show that isn't technically an uncle.

"Follow your passion Zuko, and life will reward you." Great advice for your eight year old audience. Also a great way to end up unemployed.

Positive Sokka creeped me out a few episodes ago. Now positive Zuko is freaking me out too.

Pretty.

Back to Chakras! Shame: Burning Katara - makes sense. But that's it? To have the inner peace of mind of a twelve year old who's somehow only ever done one thing that he's ashamed of.

Is there anyone in the earth kingdom who isn't stupid? Once again wondering at the network's standards. Visible burn injuries are fine, but Mai can't say 'Shut up." It's got to be Shush up. Although I do seem to recall of brief time in the early 2000s when Shut Up was treated as a curse on par with Shit or Fuck. Maybe that was just at my school.

Chakras again! Even for a show that often has an A, B, and C plot, this narrative is ping ponging around a bit much.

Grief: nothing major, just a whole nation. Makes a horrific amount of sense. but I don't buy that he can get over grieving the whole world as he knew it by thinking about his crush. That's way too high a pedestal for Katara to be placed on.

Lies: Not accepting he's the Avatar. Interesting that not accepting that he's the Avatar and not accepting that he's a firebender are two different problems.

I see you reusing the opening credits footage. Your blue filters can't fool me.

PRETTY

Illusion: So we're relearning what we learned in The Swamp. Aang's probably the person currently alive least likely to believe in the rigid separation of the nations anyway. This doesn't feel like an illusion he's subject to?

The way this episode dances between its narrative threads is so great. It's all woven in so beautifully. And this makes perfect sense! Toph's spent her life secretly doing things excellently that everyone says are completely beyond her capabilities. Life has taught her that the statement "you are not able to" doesn't apply. Of course immutable laws of bending physics are treated with the same respect as an adult telling the champion of the Earth Rumble that she's can't earthbend beyond breathing exercises. If you told her that humans can't fly, she'd figure out how within the week.

Plot collision incoming.

Interesting that Katara initially recognises Zuko by his voice rather than his scar.

I'm pretty sure that Zuko and Iroh don't know about the whole brainwashing thing, but wouldn't it be hilarious if Zuko introduced himself to Katara as Joo Dee, and his uncle Joo Dee, welcome to the Jasmine Dragon, can I take your order? That would throw Katara into one hell of a moral quandary.

Katara being framed as the solution for Chakra number four comes back to bite Aang, as she's the problem in Chakra number seven. I knew that pedestal was too high.

I've changed my mind. This episode should actually be called "Half a dozen reasons why everyone should just learn to keep their goddamn mouths shut already."

So is anyone going to let Zuko and Iroh know that they're now in immediate danger and need to leave, like, yesterday?

I think the Guru is going for the whole 'if you love them, let them go, and they'll come back to you' thing. Don't cling, in other words. But for the sake of the plot he's suddenly lost his ability to explain Chakras in a way that makes them seem like the logical thing to do. The only clunky bit of this episode so far.

May I introduce you to our Lord and Saviour Toph?

"I am the greatest earthbender in the world." Yes. Yep. Yeah. That's now a quantifiable fact, and it's correct. Look on ye mighty and despair. She's even got Bumi beat.

Earth Tongue Running is a bit wonky looking but it covers a crazy amount of distance.

What's the range on Toph's earth sense? Can she sense what direction Ba Sing Se is?

I hope those two idiots' horse bird is ok.

"You don't know how much this means to me dad." He does. Very much so.

Every word out of this guy's mouth is precision engineered to make Sokka feel like a million bucks and I for one think it's about time someone built him up. Also, seeing this makes me realise how few good parents there are in this show. It's a trope of kids' adventure shows that the parents fundamentally can't be there, but I also think it's a commentary on yet another thing that this war has messed up.

Hey look! Being a man is knowing where you're needed the most, and right now that's in Ba Sing Se, protecting your sister! I love narratives that tie their themes up with a pretty bow on top.

This is Azula laying a trap, right? Which means that Katara squealed to someone about the exact location of Iroh and Zuko's tea shop. Don't like the implications of that.

Photos taken seconds before disaster.

Final Thoughts

This episode was a lot! I mean that in a good way! But I felt a bit like the Maxell Blown Away Guy, the way I kept getting assaulted by yet another plot thread. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a criticism. I think the switching between plot threads and the amount of info in this episode worked 99% of the time. But I'm kind of in awe at the balancing act the writers pulled off and I'm sort of sitting here blinking a bit trying to fit all this stuff in my head. I'm probably going to forget half the stuff I wanted to talk about in this write up, so here goes nothing.

Given the Azula reveal in at the end of last episode, I thought that this would be the episode where the shit hits the fan. I was wrong. I'm glad I was wrong. An episode of set up is required and is nice breathing room, even an episode as busy as this. And I got to leave Ba Sing Se! But this does mean that next episode is going to be calamity after calamity.

Aang and his Chakras: I'm fascinated by this guru. I hope he comes back. That brings the total number of people who were alive before the war started up to three: Aang, Bumi, Guru Patik.

I'm impressed that the run through of the Chakras rarely felt like an info dump. The onion and banana juice thing didn't work for me, but I'm sure it worked for people in the target age bracket. Kids love burp jokes.

So many shows sprinkle in tragic backstories for flavour and then never have them influence the character in the present. It was a nice contrast to see a show take a whole episode to tell Aang "yeah all that sucked. It's ok to feel down about it. Here's how you move forward."

Sokka and his dad: Love it. Love it so much. I love seeing Sokka built up, and he definitely deserves it, but I wonder if this is the reward for a character arc well done, or the set up for a character arc that's about to start? Is his dad's praise his prize for crossing the finish line, or is it so he's built up with farther to fall?

I loved seeing more of the Southern Water Tribe. I loved the fashion. There's a lot of variety in accessories and variations on a few basic elements like those knee guard things. I loved their hairstyles. I loved how cozy and communal that command tent felt. I loved their ships. I wonder how often these guys work out, that they can make loading ramps that are presumably deployed and stashed out of the way frequently, out of whole logs rather than planks. I have a bone to pick with the child-friendly sea mine. But it provides a good set up for a dad joke, so I'll let it slide.

Zuko and Iroh: Of course the one time Zuko is allowed to be in a good place, it's so that he and Iroh both have farther to fall when the inevitable happens. Poor guy just can't catch a break. I'd be mad at Azula for the party crashing that I'm assuming she'll do next episode, but it's been established that Zuko has all nice things taken away from him as soon as he gets them, and I can't blame Azula for being a tool of the universe.

Azula & Long Feng: Azula's acting in Long Feng's prison cell was miles ahead of what Long Feng was doing in front of the Earth King, so I'm wondering if Long Feng has bitten off more than he can chew. Also: conspiring with the enemy to bring down your own city just so you can reinstall yourself as the power behind the throne that will presumably cease to exist as soon as the Fire Nation takes control? That is both treasonous beyond description and an incredible case of shooting yourself in the foot. What's Long Feng's plan here?

Toph and the Dunderheads: it says something about the consistency of Toph's characterisation from her introduction onwards that she breaks the universe this episode and my reaction was "that's neat." It's obviously a huge moment, but of course Toph can do that. Toph can do anything. More importantly, Toph knows that Toph can do anything, so Toph routinely does do anything, especially things she shouldn't be able to do. If you had asked me a few episodes back which character would be most likely to fundamentally redefine bending, I would have said Toph, since she's already fundamentally redefined bending with her earth sense sonar vision.

Also Toph just breaks stuff. Things that come into contact with her cease to function as intended and instead function as Toph requires. Look at the two idiots: both successful business owners, one also a successful hoodwinker of the richest family around. But they come into contact with Toph and their brains take an extended vacation.

Katara & the Generals: this plot was more like an extension of Azula's plot than its own standalone thing. You can't blame her for spilling the news about Zuko and Iroh to someone she honestly thought was Suki. Not much else to say about it, although it's cute that she asks for a table for two at the tea shop. Momo gets a chair!

I like that there's a theme this episode of things going wrong despite the best intentions. No one's acting maliciously here apart from the Antagonists. The Earth King is having an honest chat with people he thought were friends. Sokka vouched for people he honestly thought were the Kyoshi Warriors. Katara shares information about a presumed threat with people she honestly thought were her allies. You can quibble with the wisdom of some of these decisions, but there were all done with good intentions. The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry and all that. It brings to mind that Star Trek quote about how you can do everything right and still lose. And this set up is going to hit harder when whatever goes wrong next episode happens. And something will go wrong. A few months ago I figured that the Season 2 finale would be a triumph, but all signs are pointing towards a tragedy instead.

This episode was visually stunning, the soundtrack in the Air Temple sections especially was very evocative, and I applaud the minds that could juggle that many plot threads at once without dropping any. This one is definitely going on my rewatch list.

#atla #avatar: the last airbender #avatar the last airbender #the guru

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joezworld · 4 years ago

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📂

What in the HECK happened with Scotsman, Dominion, and Dwight during the Great Gathering?!

(Also, since Dutchess of Hamilton has also been to the US during the 1939 NY World’s Fair, did she get involved?)

Warning - extremely long post below

So, first of all, Duchess of Hamilton never went back to the UK.

Duchess of Hamilton (6229) and Coronation (6220) had their nameplates swapped by the LMS when an engine was sent over to the US. 6229, in the guise of 6220, went to the US.

Streamlined locomotives were all the rage at the time, and railroads practically fell over themselves to get Coronation (as she was now known) onto press trains. The B&O railroad in particular was so impressed with her capabilities that they extended a formal offer of employment to her for service on their streamlined Royal Blue service. The LMS were surprised to get an offer to "purchase" their locomotive, but accepted nonetheless, as it meant a welcome infusion of cash in the dark days during the beginning of WWII.

Coronation fit right in with the Americans, having only been about a year old when she was sent to New York. Following the end of steam traction on the Royal Blue in the late 40s, (the B&O were early adopters of diesels.) she and her B&O coworkers found good employment on the New York Central, where she still runs to this day.

Since then, she's fully "gone native", marrying a J3 Hudson, (yes one of the streamlined ones) adopting both an American accent and three children, and being fully repainted to NYC silver by 1956. Flying Scotsman met her in Albany in 1970, and neither one of them recognized the other.

Actually, most UK expats don't recognize her, to the point where a common interaction is for her to be held up as an example of "look at her, she's integrated well into the US", only for the British engines to say "that's preposterous, she isn't English".

When it's pointed out that she's still obviously an LMS Coronation, the next response is usually screaming.

All that being said, she has no interest to come back to the United Kingdom, and wasn’t asked by the NRM anyways.

---------------

Second of all, the Great Gathering was... an event.

So, there are (officially) 6 preserved Gresley A4s.

Mallard - static, National Railway Museum (UK). Also an asshole.

Bittern - running, private owner, UK based

Sir Nigel Gresley - running, owned by a trust, UK based

Union of South Africa - running, private owner, UK based

Dwight D. Eisenhower - static (officially), National Railway Museum (USA)

Dominion of Canada - static (officially), Exporail (Montréal)

This is the official list, and for the first 4 engines, it's the truth.

However, things are a bit hazier on the other side of the Atlantic...

-----

So the thing that needs to be made clear right up front that in a sentient vehicle world, museums aren't like the NRM, where locomotives sit static for years on end, although obviously the English have museums like that because of course they do.

Rail museums in the rest of the world are much more like Colonial Williamsburg - a living history center staffed by volunteers who act out a prototypical setting from [insert decade here].

British Rail, being British Rail, didn’t know that and didn’t care.

4496, Dwight D. Eisenhower, having been named after the General-turned-President, had been earmarked for preservation by BR, and was summarily shipped off to the US National Railway Museum in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

In an entirely unintentional move, this donation MONUMENTALLY snubbed the Smithsonian, who refused to have any dealings with BR for decades, even for archival purposes. This, combined with the fallout from Operation Smash Hit, and the fact that the Smithsonian is Petty AF, meant that there was virtually no official trans-Atlantic cooperation between British and US museums for decades.

Dwight hit the shores of the US in 1964 New York City and was greeted by a marching band, a ticker-tape parade, and Presidents Johnson and Eisenhower, who were on-hand to personally make the engine a US citizen.

Always keen to curry favor with the government, the Southern Pacific railroad had a job offer waiting for Dwight right alongside the Presidents and the parade, and when he accepted, he went off to Sunny Southern California - someplace so opposed to Britain the he fell in love with the place immediately and refused to leave!

The ladies may have also had something to do with it as well - while most engine classes fell into a typical 50-50 gender distribution, the SP GS-4 class was all female...

[Pictured above - one of 28 very good reasons to live in California if you're a single British steam engine.]

Dwight does not kiss and tell, but at his wedding in 1974, all 28 GS-4s showed up - and he was only marrying one of them!

Since the 70's, he's become a mainstay in California, having been repainted into Daylight Limited colors in 1969, and retiring from railroad duties in 1999. After that, he went into the movie business, and is currently the head of digital media development at Disney.

His wife Irene (SP 4437) is also an interesting figure as well - following in the wheelmarks of the great female locomotives before her, she had an eye for business and a Stanford education before she married her husband, and was an initial investor in multiple tech companies in Silicon Valley during the 70's and 80's, but stopped doing that after her investment in Apple proved very lucrative. In 1996, she was convinced by a few people in the Stanford Alumni association to invest in another tech startup, this one an "internet search engine" called Google.

So yeah, Dwight Eisenhower kept falling up and up and up all his life, and is now married to the richest woman in the world.

4489 Dominion of Canada was donated mostly by accident, having been forgotten in the back of Darlington sheds until 1966, when she was shipped off to the Canadian Railway Historical Society in Montreal.

As stated elsewhere, the Canadian Government considered any locomotive built in the UK to have UK citizenship, and therefore treated them as commonwealth citizens under existing Canadian law. (remember that Canada was still a colony at that time)

CN, the national rail carrier, was obligated to offer her a job under their charter, and she accepted, moving to Toronto to run intercity trains between Toronto, Montreal, and Ottawa.

Within two years she was displaced from those duties by the introduction of a new, shiny, jet turbine powered train, and was summarily demoted to local commuter runs in the Toronto suburbs.

Moving to suburbia did one thing more than anything else - expose her to the people who live there. They all had complaints, they all had problems, and they all had no idea on how to fix them.

Being a helpful sort, Dominion decided that she could help, and promptly ran for Toronto city council in 1974. She won, and has been a fixture in local Toronto politics ever since - she even got to be Chairwoman of Metro Toronto (the closest thing to being mayor because Toronto's governmental structure is weird) until 1998, when Toronto was merged with the surrounding area to create a massive new region.

Having then done everything there is to do in municipal Toronto government, Dominion went on to become the Chief Executive Officer of Metrolinx, the agency that controls almost all of the transit agencies in Ontario, because, as she puts it, "I'm still a commuter engine at heart".

She's now painted in the current GO Transit paint scheme, and still does commuter runs- which is really weird looking now that there are double deck commuter coaches in a push-pull configuration, with a Gresley A4 doing the pushing.

------

Now, I mentioned that those 6 were the only ones officially preserved - there were two unofficial preservations as well...

4486 Merlin was properly Shanghied - he was yanked off the docks in Southhampton by a cargo ship in August of 1965, and was spirited away to parts unknown.

Those unknown parts turned out to be South Korea. There, he was given citizenship by the US-aligned military dictatorship (Korean history is wild) and was employed by the State-run rail operator.

As the military government began a hardcore plan to increase their country's wealth and industrial output, rail lines were being built across the country, and Merlin was soon awarded a position on the fastest train in the network, the Seoul-Busan Saemaeul-ho.

Because of his experience in running high-speed express trains, Merlin not only became the public face of Korean high-speed rail, but also became an "honored elder" amongst the other Korean engines, a position he still holds to this day - as despite being over 70 years old, he still runs daily trains on the fast services, easily keeping time with the Korean schedules as well as training the new high speed trains, including the KTX sets. He's on his 24th boiler by now, and has more parts from Hyundai than Doncaster.

An additional fact - Merlin actually has had a linguistic effect on Korean railroading, as his strange amalgamation of an accent - a strong Yorkshire accent that tried to be Received Pronunciation for 30 years, mixed with almost 50 years of middle-to-upper-class Korean - has filtered down through the ranks of KoRail, because all of his students want to sound like him out of respect. Human British expats in Korea will occasionally hear a locomotive speaking in English, and the engine will sound like a Yorkshireman every time and the Brits cannot handle it.

---------

4495 Golden Fleece is the only A4 to preserve himself - he saw the writing on the wall in the early 60s, and hopped a car ferry to France at the end of 1962. From there, he bounced around Europe for a bit before making it to the United States in the late 70's.

Of the 8 surviving A4s, he's probably led the quietest life of all - he moved to Miami before it got nice, and basically got in on the ground floor of CSX when that merger happened in 1980. He's now the head of terminal operations for the Port of Miami, but he's generally kept a low profile - not even having a chance to meet Scotsman due to his time in Europe.

He's still in contact with Dwight and Dominion, and has no real bitterness over not being "famous" like they are - he likes the quiet, and still lives in a modest house in Boynton Beach with his long-term girlfriend.

----------------------

Soooo... the Great Gathering.

It was supposed to be a meeting of the 6 surviving A4s - a two year event held at the NRM in honor of the 75th anniversary of Mallard's record-setting run.

"Record setting" is a past-tense term here. While there have been no official runs, every single one of the Pennsylvania Railroad's T1 and S1 locomotives claim to have gone faster than 126 without meaning to, and numerous other locomotives on unofficial attempts done late at night on flat stretches of land across the country have hit 130+.

British Expats have also done better than 126 - Coronation claims to have hit at least 140 on a midnight mail train in 1980, and in Korea, Merlin claims to have hit 128 on a test train, although that was judged by timing mile markers as his speedometer wasn't functioning properly.

Problems arose before any of the engines had even reached the NRM, as Mallard's already sizeable ego had swelled to massive proportions, and several engines in the great hall were planning a justifiable homicide.

Then came the time restraints - none of the foreign locomotives were willing to uproot their lives and jobs for two years just to sit motionless in a shed. A two year exhibition was eventually negotiated down to a 6 month gala, much to the irritation and confusion of the NRM, who could not understand that the engines were still in service.

Then came the extra engines - Dwight and Dominion thought that the NRM knew about Fleece, and were quite insulted on his behalf when he wasn't invited - they threatened to not attend unless arrangements were made for Fleece to attend as well.

An utterly baffled NRM agreed, but also tore their record archives apart, as they knew that Fleece had been scrapped. The fact that his picture was plastered all over CSX's Florida Division website was all the more confusing as a result.

Meanwhile in Busan, nobody knew that Merlin had escaped the scrappers' torch and therefore did not invite him. He was only informed after K-Pop star Psy texted him from London to ask if he knew about the event, which was being advertised on television.

Merlin, having missed his friends from the LNER, decided that he would just crash the party, used some of his many vacation days, and took off for England on a cargo ship.

By sheer coincidence, all four foreign A4s hit the dock in Southhampton on the same day, and were delighted to see each other - especially Merlin, considering that everyone else had thought he'd died.

Meanwhile at the NRM, delight was not the word one would use. Befuddled, confused, shocked even, but not delighted. Their plans had revolved around 6 A4s, most of which wouldn’t be running - only to now discover that there were 7, all but one of which were functioning! (Mallard, the star of the show, was the odd one out, and it drove him crazy)

Then they got a phone call from their man at the docks saying that another one had showed up, looking like he’d driven out of a K-pop album cover, and they just gave up and started screaming.

Screaming is also what happened when the cavalcade of foreigners showed up in York - first of all, the quartet of new engines sounded nothing like they had when they left England.

Dwight had willfully unlearned his Upper Crust British accent by 1971, and had fallen deep into a California accent (quite similar to what Scotsman sounds like - coincidence? No.)

Dominion and Fleece hadn’t tried to unlearn their accents, but 40+ years of living in North America can really dilute the Britishness. It doesn’t help that Dominion has developed most Canadian vocal tics eh?

As stated above, Merlin has a weird fuckin accent, and now he speaks English with a strong Yorkshire accent, but will occasionally and without warning drop into a Korean/Yorkshire hybrid accent.

The screaming also happened because the NRM had wanted to repaint the duo trio! quartet?! into LNER garter blue, and were promptly informed that “we’re painted like this for work! Don’t touch it!” (the sole exception was Dwight, who hadn’t pulled a real train in 14 years, but he liked his Daylight Limited paint), so instead of the new arrivals showing up in LNER colours, they showed up looking like THIS:

Having their long-lost siblings show up looking and sounding like THAT had quite an affect on the A4s and the other NRM engines:

Bittern could not believe her eyes - to the point where she actually began making noise about seeing an optometrist

Union of South Africa almost backed through a wall

Sir Nigel Gresley was speechless for two days

Mallard was so angry that he actually chipped a tooth during one of his rants about “the impropriety of it all!!”

Evening Star laughed so hard that he managed to derail himself without moving

City of Truro almost cracked a piston from shock

Alycidon spent the entire gala coming up with more and more laser focused jabs at Mallard - who was so easy to fluster that��the Deltic needn’t have bothered

Oliver Cromwell and Green Arrow made fast friends with the new arrivals, and spent the entire time learning ‘Americanisms’ to annoy the other engines with.

But what about Flying Scotsman? Where was he in all of this? He was generally considered to be the “leader” of the NRM fleet (much to Mallard’s annoyance), and was usually who the other engines turned to when things started getting out of control.

Did Scotsman calm things down? Like hell he did. The inmates were running the asylum from the moment that Scotsman saw the other A4s - more importantly saw Dwight - and immediately greeted them in flawless Californian.

This actually set off the building’s security alarm, as Flying Scotsman saying “DUDES! Wassup?!” caused such an uproar that the noise broke several exterior windows.

----

And all of this was in the first few days - there were six months left to go.

There was one railtour attempt. It was supposed to feature Bittern and Sir Nigel running in tandem, but instead featured Dwight and Merlin, mainly because Bittern wanted to see what would happen.

They exceeded the max speed limit for steam traction within 15 minutes, sparked a thorough investigation by the RAIB, and got all future steam powered railtours for the Gathering cancelled immediately.

On the plus side, the two engines did prove that it was still possible for a steam train to hit 100 safely.

One thing that baffled the other engines was the inordinately large number of people who turned up just to see Dominion, and the one person who kept turning up to see Fleece - it took a lot of explaining for them to understand that Dominion had been married three times, and had children (adopted) and grandchildren from all three marriages coming to see her. A similar amount of explaining was required to explain that Fleece’s girlfriend/partner wanted to see him too.

The normally chatty Dwight and Scotsman would suddenly clam up whenever Dominion and Fleece teasingly tried to ask about their love lives, something which wasn’t unnoticed by the other engines, but got similarly nowhere.

The answer to why they both shut the hell up was explained when a lot of shouting broke out in the yard of the NRM one day about a month into the exhibition:

Irene Eisenhower, not content to sit in California and count her billions, quickly grew bored without her husband, and decided to go to England and be with him. The fact that she definitely did not fit the UK loading gauge was never even a consideration, and so she just showed up in York on the back of a lorry, having informed no-one of her arrival, and content to just pay off the requisite people if a fuss occurred.

A fuss did occur, and it was only ended when Scotsman managed to convince the museum’s curator (who at this point in his life was regretting ever thinking of this damned gathering) that Irene was a ‘temporary donation’ to the museum.

[Scotsman, who definitely hid his Cali accent from museum staff the entire time, has one of the best poker faces in the world]

Dwight was overjoyed, and so was Scotsman, for initially unclear reasons. Then Irene managed to grab both her husband and Scotsman, dragged them behind a shed, and [THIS IS A PG13 HEADCANON] the both of [PG13]. Turns out that while Scotsman may have slept his way across the US a few times, he was actually ready to settle down with Dwight and Irene - they were a throuple way back in the 70s, and those passions haven’t faded. When Scotsman reluctantly left the US in 74, a lot of the reluctance was because of those two.

This bombshell of a revelation went over interestingly at the NRM. Some engines (Green Arrow) were happy for them, some were incensed (Mallard - although it was for anti-American reasons, not homophobic ones), and some were intensely curious about what was going on in the outside world (Bittern).

The ‘foreigners’ (as Mallard had taken to calling them), were deeply displeased at how their fellow engines were being treated - while a lot of them were ‘in steam’, some were not and might never be again, something they found abhorrent. Unable to do anything at that time, as the NRM was not a for-profit entity and therefore did not have anyone to bribe, (Irene’s solution to things is to throw money at the situation) the engines started talking about how life was different in the outside world - namely that engines were still working hard, even when they were over a century old and running on steam power.

This was of great interest to engines like Evening Star and (6220) Duchess of Hamilton, neither of whom were likely to be steamed again, and Bittern, who was growing more and more curious with each passing day. Dissent began to slowly build against the NRM curators, and the culture of the United Kingdom in general.

One thing the foreigners did try do something about was Ellerman Lines. The poor bastard had been sectioned to show his inner workings, much to the jaw-dropped horror of the foreign A4s, who made such a stink about it that he was moved outside the museum by NRM staff, who must have thought that the engines lacked object permanence or something, because that didn’t make it better!

Irene Eisenhower, who was beginning to get really sick of the nonsense that the NRM called preservation, (Scotsman was not in running condition, and had been hastily reassembled mid-overhaul in order to be cosmetically ready for the event, and let’s not forget poor Ellerman Lines) elected to bring the event to a close on her own after only three months. She did this by eventually putting her immense wealth to good use, and called for a haulage service to rescue the engines from the NRM without the knowledge of the museum staff. Aside from the A4s, she also took Ellerman Lines, Scotsman, and Bittern (who had asked to go) with her, and only bothered to inform Ellerman and Bittern - she was not about risk Scotsman having another “think of England” moment and staying.

The haulage firm was efficient and the cargo ship was waiting, so the engines were in international waters before the NRM opened the next morning.

Much swearing occurred in England that day, and the NRM’s image has yet to fully recover from the PR story that they had sold Flying Scotsman (and Ellerman Lines) to a reclusive American billionaire.

Privately though, the NRM does not care, as that story is a lot better than “Someone stole our engines and we’re not allowed to get them back because as it turns out we’re slaveowners, so no international court will help us.”

Also, despite their multimillion dollar “donation" from the I. Eisenhower Opportunity Fund, they still haven’t been able to fully pacify their engines, all of whom have somehow gotten the idea that they should be running in main line service like they live on Sodor or something...

--------

Dwight, Scotsman, and Irene all live happily together in the sprawling Eisenhower estate in Malibu. Irene is currently lobbying the California state government to legalize polygamy, with moderate success.

Ellerman Lines, after a lot of therapy and a full rebuild, is now working on a short line in Wyoming. He likes the scenery.

Bittern followed Dwight, Irene, and Scotsman to Los Angeles, and used her ‘connections’ (Dwight) to get a supporting role in Avengers: Age of Ultron. Since then, she’s gotten several roles based on her own merits, including an Emmy nomination for Best Guest Appearance in a Comedy.

Merlin spent a few months in LA before he went back to Korea. He is very thankful that he was able to reconnect with his brothers and sisters, and that his homeland has good internet, as he video calls his family across the Pacific almost every day.

Golden Fleece still lives a quiet life in Florida, but finally decided to tie the knot, and married his girlfriend in 2017. The ceremony was supposed to be quiet, but Irene Eisenhower has no idea what that word means.

Dominion of Canada continues to baffle non-local trainspotters when she runs commuter trains into Toronto. She is now a great-grandmother.

7 years later, and the term “Great Gathering” is still a forbidden phrase in the back rooms of the NRM.

#ask response #long #really long #I wrote this for like me and two other people at most #national railway museum #flying scotsman #Headcanon #ttte #ttte adjacent #bittern #mallard #train headcanon #locomotive rights headcanon #extremely specific headcanon #headcanon

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selenuntius · 4 years ago

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Zhang Longevity - Southern Archives

Hello I know I just wrote about this at length but like I acknowledged in that post, I hadn’t read Southern Archives. Well now I have, and I’ll make a couple of additions/speculations based on the information in that. Don’t read if you haven’t read Southern Archives. Some of this information is related to plot points.

The main takeaway from Southern Archives that’s truly unambiguous is that there is a way to destroy the Zhang longevity (quite violently it appears).

Two other ones that have ambiguity to them are related to qilin blood. It’s a bit hard to just give a conclusion so I won’t be giving one here. My take beneath the break, or just read the novel.

Again, I’m trying to make clear what’s speculation and what’s actually in there, but I think even just by pointing out ambiguity, I’m making an argument. Just read the goddamn novel, really, especially to draw your own conclusions about the qilin blood things.

There are some other takeaways from Southern Archives about Zhang clan lore but I thought I should make a followup of sorts to my previous post with new info. Also Southern Archives was a pretty good read. I enjoyed the third-person POV and the period atmosphere. Zhang Haiyan, Haixia and others are some very engaging characters. I feel I may be a little attracted to Zhang Haiqi but I also want to call her mommy, so you can say I’m in a bit of a Haiyan predicament.

Zhang longevity can be destroyed

Probably one of our biggest takeaways from Southern Archives. This was achieved here via some kind of gas. The people who became aware of this in Southern Archives are Zhang Qishan (and some of his clan?), Zhang Haiqi, Zhang Hailou, Mo Yungao.

This may give support for the Zhang Qishan died because he found a way to age normally theory.

Zhang longevity is in their “blood” (not said to be the same blood as qilin blood; might just be blood as in they’re born with it)

This one is more ambiguous. The quote I’m drawing this from is in c.55:

“That German nerve gas was not produced in Germany, and its origins are unclear. It seemed to be able to destroy the mechanisms within Zhang people’s blood. Mo Yungao mentioned in his records that he found this by chance, and only possessed a single cylinder of it.”

If you’re checking your sources and see that this translation and merebear’s edited MTL is different and want to know why, I will leave a note at the end about this.

Anyways, like I said, I feel like immediately saying that this blood refers to qilin blood is a bit of a leap. I, for one, mostly read it as like a Zhang inherited trait rather than qilin blood. I went into a bit of why I felt the qilin blood is directly linked to their longevity theory wasn’t the best in my previous post, and I did see a reblog also theorising about that but I was too tired to finish writing my response (and I didn’t want to seem like I’m trying to start shit; I really just have too much time on my hands).

If qilin blood is directly linked to longevity, then everyone who has lived for longer than usual has to have a bit of qilin blood. That would mean there’s some kind of threshold for recognising qilin blood, and below that threshold it counts for longevity, but isn’t strong enough to detect.

To confirm the theory, we need some kind of confirmation that an in-between state between full-on qilin blood and non-qilin blood exists. The blood has different degrees of strength - this is true. Wu Xie speculates that the Qiling is chosen by who has the strongest qilin blood (book 8 c.81; N.B. that in Shahai 3 a different reason for selecting our Qiling was hypothesised), and Zhang Haike talks about hearing rumours as a child that our Zhang Qiling had the strongest form of their kekkei genkai blood (ZHH 2 c.7).

However, I still think there’s a distinction between the ones who do and the ones who just don’t, and it’s not all about how strong the blood is. Going back to the Qipan Zhang sect, they wielded quite a lot of power within the clan because they “held the qilin”, which Wu Xie guesses to mean the qilin blood (book 8 c.50 p1). Don’t know if that meant only Qipan Zhang had qilin blood, or if there was just a higher occurrence and a greater strength (I’ve read a headcanon that it’s because the Qipan Zhang absorb anyone who has the blood). Also, Wu Xie says in the 2017 short of Zhang Hailou, “You’re from the branch family… like me, you have to worry about mosquitoes.” Wu Xie, by this point, is quite knowledgable about the Zhang clan so what he says is kinda? reliable. In fact, all three of the Zhang that have qilin blood are from the main family or descended from a sect of the main family (Haiqi is one of the few Hai-generation main family members, southern archives c.47; Qiling was part of the main family according to Haike; Foye is a descendant of Ruitong of Qipan Zhang and Wu Xie speculates at the end of book 8 that Foye’s father brought their entire sect out of the Northeast Zhang’s control, which makes Rishan a descendant of Qipan Zhang too). So is it only the main family that ever has proper qilin blood? If it’s a thing all Zhang have to a degree, surely sometimes it pops up in the branches too.

This is pretty much a joke but I was going to say that maybe bare min qilin blood only protects you from mosquitoes and nothing else but still counts for longevity, and I can’t even make that joke anymore…

The problem here is at what point do we stop saying the longevity has to do with qilin blood and just say the longevity runs in the family, and for some reason, Foye didn’t get it (or died for other reasons). And even if we take a step back and say, yes, longevity does come with the Zhang blood but qilin blood makes you live even longer, not enough time has passed for us to say that.

An addendum about qilin blood, not directly related to longevity: Can qilin blood be an acquired trait?

Mo Yungao believes qilin blood to be an acquired trait, because he asked Zhang Qiling about it and he said it was acquired (Archives c.55).

This is contradicted in other places, for example, by Zhang Haike in ZHH 2 c.7, where he specifically talks about qilin blood as an inherited trait. The two previously mentioned passages about Qipan Zhang and from Wu Xie duking it out with Xiao Zhang Ge also support this, though less directly.

So, why did Zhang Qiling tell Mo Yungao it’s acquired?

There are a couple of possibilities, including Zhang Qiling lying and this actually being true and everyone else being wrong, but I think this was a misunderstanding.

Mainly because I don’t think the line is entirely without ambiguity.

He had asked this strange person if he had been born with his extraordinary abilities or if they were acquired, and the person had replied that they were acquired.

(I have another note about this line but it doesn’t matter for the ambiguity bit, so I’ll leave it at the bottom too.)

The key here is that Mo Yungao, in this omniscient narrator recollection, did not specifically ask about his blood. Mo Yungao clearly meant his blood, because a couple of lines above, Mo Yungao is saved by this person and his blood, and his later obsession is with this blood. But what he actually asked was his extraordinary abilities (plural) so maybe Zhang Qiling took it to mean combat ability rather than specifically his blood?

Again, there are other possibilities, but I prefer a simpler answer rather than a complicated one that takes more speculation to support.

Nerve gas line note:

The original contained the phrase 张家人血液中的肌理, literally “the skin texture of Zhang people’s blood”. This is because 肌理 (skin texture) was likely a typo of 机理 (which I translate as mechanisms here; not necessarily the best one. Could also use principles but I felt that sounded less physiological and more philosophical). These two words have the exact same pronunciation. XL makes these mistakes quite a lot, and because most of our stuff is sourced from his serialisation and web versions, these mistakes don’t get corrected. I suspect this is why merebear uses the vague sentence “but it seemed to specifically target the Zhang’s family blood” instead. It’s not a huge difference, but I thought I should explain my addition of mechanisms and using destroy instead of target (this I don’t quite understand, the original says destroy and I don’t see an issue with simply using destroy) so it doesn’t seem like I’m making stuff up.

Acquired abilities line note:

“Extraordinary abilities” is actually my guess of what XL means when he wrote 无常的能力, because I feel the adjective used is a misuse of the word. 无常 can mean changeable, can be a reference to a Buddhist concept of the cycle of life and death (don’t have the best grasp on this, but bear with me), can be a euphemism for death, or can be a kind of ghost? spirit? that collects people’s souls, kind of like the Grim Reaper I guess but they work for the king of hell. None of these quite fit here. The two characters, taken on their own can maybe mean something like extraordinary, so I’m thinking maybe that’s what XL’s trying to get at but used a slightly different word to replace what you might usually use for extraordinary (不凡 or smth idk), but not to great effect.

#southern archives #南部档案 #dmbj lore

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blackswaneuroparedux · 4 years ago

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The Desert Fox: Separating the myth and the man of Field Marshal Erwin Rommel

Sweat saves blood, blood saves lives, and brains saves both.

- Field Marshal Erwin Rommel

War hero or Nazi villain? Field Marshal Erwin Rommel is, to this day, the subject of heated debate. He was the “Desert Fox,” revered by Allied Forces for his supposed chivalry, and allegedly implicated in the “Valkyrie” plot to assassinate Hitler.

But present day historians have increasingly come to re-examine the life and the legend of this most iconic of World War Two generals.

I first became interested in this question after reading Corelli Barnett’s magisterial account ‘The Desert Generals’ back when I was in Sandhurst. I read other World War Two books before then of course but it was only at Sandhurst did I first give serious consideration towards Rommel as ‘the Good German’ general. I read other books too like General Sir David Fraser’s ‘Knight’s Cross: a life of Field Marshal Rommel’ as a stand out one on military stuff but a very cursory examination of his early life and beliefs.

Rommel was a legend in the making.

Whichever side of the debate one falls on there is no doubt that Erwin Rommel, was one of the most celebrated and respected generals of the Second World War and indeed, some even say one of the greatest generals of all time. His prowess on the battlefield earned him more than a battlefield earned him the admiration of both his men and his enemies alike, with adversaries lining up to pay tribute to their greatest foe in the field.

“We have a very daring and skilful opponent against us, and, may I say across the havoc of war, a great general,” said no less than Winston Churchill himself of Rommel, just after the war ended in his book on the conflict, The Second World War.

When Churchill came under fire in the press for praising a man seen as a Nazi, he doubled down, commenting “He also deserves our respect because, although a loyal German soldier, he came to hate Hitler and all his works, and took part in the conspiracy to rescue Germany by displacing the maniac and tyrant.

For this, Rommel paid the forfeit of his life. In the sombre wars of modern democracy, chivalry finds no place… Still, I do not regret or retract the tribute I paid to Rommel, unfashionable though it was judged.”

Indeed, the extent to which Rommel was a Nazi is one of the great questions that has been asked since the war and one that is debated to this day. Rommel, while respected by those who fought him from afar as generals and indeed, thought of a genius to many of those who fought beneath him in the Wehrmacht, has often faced criticism of his tactics and his decision making, with some post-war writers holding him up as a man prone to erratic behaviour on the battlefield and a great sufferer from the stresses of the job.

“Rommel was jumpy, wanted to do everything at once, then lost interest. Rommel was my superior in command in Normandy. I cannot say Rommel wasn’t a good general. When successful, he was good; during reverses, he became depressed,” said Sepp Dietrich, who fought under Rommel in France and ended the war as the most senior figure in the Waffen-SS.

A similar sentiment was expressed by Luftwaffe field marshal Albert Kesselring, a contemporary of Rommel’s and an officer of similar rank, who later wrote: “He was the best leader of fast-moving troops but only up to army level. Above that level it was too much for him. Rommel was given too much responsibility. He was a good commander for a corps of army but he was too moody, too changeable. One moment he would be enthusiastic, next moment depressed.”

Who was this great man then? We know him today as a great tactician, a charismatic leader, a respected general and the last German participant in the so-called “clean war”. But how true are those assessments? Was the Desert Fox as chivalrous as his enemies thought him to be?

Rommel was far from just a Second World War hero – he distinguished himself in World War One too.

Rommel graduated from the military academy in Gdansk – then known as Danzig and an integral part of Germany – in 1912 and was immediately posted back to his home region of Baden-Württemberg.

When war broke out in 1914, Rommel was ready to face his first major conflict posting. As a battery commander within the 124th division of the German army, he would distinguish himself and gain his first recognition from the higher-ups.

Erwin saw his first action at the age of 23 on August 22, 1914, near the French town of Verdun. Rommel led his platoon into a French garrison, catching them by surprise and personally leading the charge ahead of the rest of his men, earning credits for bravery and ingenuity. He would be awarded the Iron Cross, Second Class, for his actions, a promotion to First Lieutenant and a transfer into the Royal Württemberg Mounted Battalion as a company – rather than platoon – commander.

Rommel would go on to fight in the German campaigns in Italy and Romania, with particular note being taken by the German Army hierarchy of his conduct in the Italian campaign. The Royal Württemberg Mounted Battalion fought at the Battle of Caporetto, the twelfth battle to be fought along the Isonzo River in modern-day Slovenia, and one that would go down as probably the largest military defeat in the history of Italy.

Rommel would play a central role, leading the Royal Württemberg, with just 150 men, to capture an estimated 9,000 Italians, complete with all their guns, for a cost of just 6 of his own men.

The young Rommel used the challenging, mountainous terrain of Caporetto – now known as Kobarid – to outflank the Italians and convince them that they were totally encircled by Germans, when in fact there was just one battalion. Fearing that they were surrounded, the Italians surrendered en masse and were surprised to find that so few men were able to capture them.

The efforts of the German Army to break into the Italian Front through the Slovenian Alps – at the time, part of Italy – were vital in furthering an advance towards Venice, though the Germans were eventually stopped and turned back.

Rommel was awarded the Pour Le Merite award by the Kaiser for his leadership at Caporetto, but also gained the respect and loyalty of his men, who were not only impressed by the way in which his tactics had won the battle, but also by the way that he had stood up to the German Army high command and argued for more and better food for his men. The legend of Rommel was growing apace.

Rommel was an effective teacher as well as a military leader.

It shouldn’t be too surprising that Rommel was a capable teacher: his father had been a headmaster, while the ability to communicate his ideas effectively in the field would lead to some of his most enduring military victories. There was no point coming up with a revolutionary tactic to win a battle if you couldn’t then inform and inspire your men well enough for them to then go and carry it out.

At the end of the First World War, Rommel was entering his late 20s and had already been widely feted for his military prowess. While it might have seemed a little dull compared to the derring-do on the Isonzo, the role of the Royal Württenberg Mountain Battalion lay much closer to home, with German society slowly disintegrating into civil wars between, on the left, socialists who wanted Germany to undergo a revolution similar to that which had recently occurred in Russia, and on the right, groups such as the Freikorps, disgruntled ex-soldiers and nationalist, anti-communist paramilitaries that would go on to form the kernel of the Nazi Party.

Rommel, recently promoted again to the rank of Captain, was ordered to use his soldiers in a policing capacity, putting down insurrections all over southern Germany. It was during this period that he showed some of the sense of restraint that would distinguish his conduct in North Africa during World War Two, trying to avoid the use of force against crowds of civilians where possible.

After the Weimar Republic took hold, however, the country somewhat stabilised and Rommel found himself in Dresden, teaching new recruits. He had been promoted in turn to Major, then Lieutenant Colonel, placing him in the very highest echelons of the Treaty of Versailles-reduced German Army.

He was recognised as one of the prime instructors in that army and wrote a book, “Infantry Attacks”, that furthered his theories on warfare and explained his experiences in the Izonzo – it sold incredibly well and increased Rommel’s personal fame, as well as bringing him to the attention of Adolf Hitler, who was known to have read the book.

Rommel met Hitler in Goslar, Germany in 1934, while Rommel was posted as battalion commander. Hitler’s charisma and promises to reestablish Germany as a world power after the crippling results of World War I inspired Rommel to become a fervent supporter of the Nazi Party.

The two men had several encounters following this, and Rommel rose through the ranks on Hitler’s personal recommendation. But it was ultimately Hitler’s liking for Rommel’s book Infantry Attacks that led to his becoming the commander of Hitler’s personal guards during his tour of the Sudetenland.

By the 1930s with Hitler fully secured in power, the German Army, for whom Rommel worked, and the Nazi state were more and more inseparable. It would be this coming together that prompted a major dilemma for the career soldiers such as Rommel: did the duty lie to their country, and whoever might be governing it, or to the party, that was coming to define what that country was about?

Rommel was a committed Nazi and not the “decent face” of the German Army.

Rommel’s antagonism wasn’t so much against Nazism as it was towards the Nazis in leadership who led it. His committment to Nazism eroded as the war took a wrong turn and as Hitler increasingly became erratic in his military decision making that Rommel grew increasingly frustrated.

Just how much of a Nazi Rommel was is one of the biggest questions that is debated about him to this day. It is largely due to the Rommel myth that was perpetuated by the likes of Winston Churchill after the war that Rommel was taken by the victorious Allies as “the good Nazi”, or the honest general who happened to be being ordered about by the Nazis, merely a career soldier who followed orders and stayed out of politics.

Let’s put that one to bed, here and now. Rommel was an early adopter of the Nazi Party and a committed believer in the ideals of National Socialism, while also being an officer who regularly disobeyed orders – making both commonly held assumptions wrong.

That said, he is one of the few figures of that period who is still revered in Germany, who still has streets named after him and memorials in his honour. It seems that the myth persists in his homeland too, despite countless books and articles to the contrary.

One such author attempting to shake this idea from the public consciousness is Wolfgang Proske, a historian and history professor from Rommel’s hometown on Heidenheim, who has written 16 books about his town’s most famous son. “Rommel was a deeply convinced Nazi and, contrary to popular opinion, he was also an anti-Semite. It is not only the Germans who have fallen into the trap of believing that Rommel was chivalrous. The British have been convinced by these stories as well,” he told British newspaper The Independent in 2011 when a new memorial to the Field Marshal was unveiled.

“At the time when Rommel marched into Tripoli, more than a quarter of the city’s population were Jews,” Proske continued, “There is evidence which shows that Rommel forbad his troops to buy anything from Jewish traders. Later on, he used the Jews as slave laborers. Some of them were even used as so-called ‘mine dogs’ who were ordered to walk over minefields ahead of his advancing troops.”

While Rommel was never a member of the Nazi Party, it is widely known that Wehrmacht figures, particularly high-ranking ones such as Rommel, welcomed Hitler coming to power. Those, like Rommel, whose backgrounds had shut them off from the highest ranks of the Kaiser’s forces, saw the new government as one that would see them move to the top of the tree and as such were generally in favor of it.

Goebbels himself wrote in 1942, when Rommel was in the running for the role of Commander-in-Chief of the Wehrmacht, that the Field Marshal was ”ideologically sound, is not just sympathetic to the National Socialists. He is a National Socialist; he is a troop leader with a gift for improvisation, personally courageous and extraordinarily inventive. These are the kinds of soldiers we need.”

Rommel owes a large part of his fame to the fact that he made fools of opposing general - well almost (Patton would disagree).

Rommel’s prowess as a general is unquestioned. On the back of his heroics as a low-level officer in World War One added to by his role teaching at the forefront of modern military tactics, he was perfectly positioned to lead the Nazi war machine into the second conflict.

When the war began, he was leading Hitler’s personal protection battalion – so much for a man who kept a distance from the center of Nazi power – and thus was privy to the highest levels of discussions regarding tactics, particularly the way in which to use mechanized infantry such as tanks. After the early successes in Poland, Rommel moved with the front to France and commanded Panzer units, before distinguishing himself against the British at Arras and leading the drive towards Dunkirk.

With the British regrouping on the other side of the Channel after a crushing defeat – which, lest we forget, Dunkirk was – the focus turned to North Africa, where Rommel would lead the newly-established Afrika Korps. He was the superstar of the German Army, a reputation largely built on his ability to vanquish the British, whom he would now face again in the desert. It was at this time that his nickname, The Desert Fox, was coined by the British press, who sought to create a figure against which the war could be fought.

The legacy of Rommel as the acceptable Nazi could be seen to stem from this point when the media in Britain saw fit to create a worthy adversary for their troops to combat. Rommel was thought to be an old-style soldier rather than an out-and-out Nazi: though we have seen that he was a Nazi, and he had arguably committed war crimes by summarily executing prisoners in France just weeks before.

Come the victory of the British at Tobruk and El Alamein, the British propaganda machine had even more than a noble adversary. They had a noble adversary against whom they had lost in Europe and then subsequently defeated: when the characters of the British side, Auchinleck and Montgomery, were spoken of, they needed someone of equal weight to make their victories seem even more heroic, a role that fit Rommel perfectly.

With morale at home low after the Dunkirk evacuation, the victories in North Africa were vital to keeping spirits up, and a glorious victory against an equally glorious enemy sounded even better. Churchill himself called Rommel an “extraordinary bold and clever opponent” and a “great field commander” in the House of Commons in 1942 – after he had just been defeated.

Rommel’s reputation for chivalry in North Africa might not just be down to his own intentions.

Of course, some aspects the Allied propaganda about Rommel – that he was a fair fighter, that he respected the ideals of chivalry when other Germans didn’t – were generally true.

It is undoubted that, by and large, Rommel adhered to the rules of war when plenty of Nazi generals didn’t, but it bears mentioning that the reason that so many German generals were so callous is that they were ordered to be like that. Orders within the Nazi war machine came down from high and were often brutal in their nature: summary execution of prisoners, rounding up of Jews and other minorities, scorched earth policies. That was just the orders aimed at enemies: often generals would be ordered to stand their ground to the death when all military logic told them to make a tactical retreat.

Rommel’s dedication to upholding the “war without hate” as he called the more traditional methods of war is up for debate, but certainly, he did take measure to negate the harsher aspects. That said, there are other factors that question whether his commitment to the “war without hate” was intentional, circumstantial or ideologically-driven.

When most German generals were likely to commit acts of ethnic cleansing, Rommel was not generally faced with the question. North Africa, where this reputation was developed, had hardly any Jews, for example, and other potential targets for Nazi aggression were protected by being citizens of Italy and Rommel was wary of standing on the toes of their allies. That said, many within the North African Jewish community are reported as having felt that they were spared from the horrors suffered by Jews in Europe by the actions of the Afrika Korps, led by Rommel.

It is also widely accepted that he refused to execute captured Jewish prisoners and hated the use of slave labour. As far as his own troops were concerned, Rommel repeatedly refused orders directly from Hitler. When, at the end of the second Battle of El Alamein, Hitler commanded him directly not to retreat and to show his soldiers “no other road than that to victory or death.”

Knowing that it was impossible for him to defeat the advancing British, who massively outnumbered his forces, Rommel chose to ignore the letter from the Fuhrer and fled all the way across North Africa to Tunisia rather than face death in the sand. While he was way too politically powerful to be censured by Hitler, actions such as this were contributory to a wider feeling among the Nazi hierarchy that Rommel was not one of them.

He was a PR superstar in Germany, but was both respected and later suspected by the Nazi leadership.

Rommel’s reputation within Germany might well have made him untouchable for the Nazi hierarchy, even when he did things that were in direct contradiction of the ideological and military strategy of the regime. They had invested so much time and so much weight in making him the poster boy of their propaganda regime that, when Rommel turned out to be less than what they had hoped for, they could not easily dispose of him.

On paper, he was the perfect fit for their media machine: he was an early adopter of Nazism, already a hero from the First World War and an excellent general, with victories aplenty. Moreover, they could cite the Allies reverence for him in their favor, and Rommel himself was comfortable in the spotlight and relished the attention.

Hitler was always wary of building up any one single figure too far – lest he be challenged himself – but Goebbels, the chief propagandist, knew an opportunity when he saw it and Rommel could not be passed up. As Rommel’s media image grew and grew, he became the darling of the public back home, but in the corridors of power in Berlin, there were plenty of higher-ups who were less convinced of his powers.

Even from the early days of the war in 1941, when Rommel was in France, some of those who fought alongside him were doubting just how effective he actually was a general. By the time that the war in North Africa had turned against him in 1943, the German furthest expansions were contracting: the Battle of Stalingrad had been lost in February and Rommel departed Tunisia in May.

It might have made sense if the Nazis had thought Rommel their best general, to send him to the Eastern Front where the war was being lost. Perhaps, too, the brutal nature of the war on the Ostfront was seen as beyond Rommel’s nature: this was not the time or place for “war without hate”, in the eyes of the Nazi leadership.

Instead, he was dispatched to Italy. As Italy fell, Rommel was demoted from the head of the campaign to second in command to Albert Kesselring, alongside whom he had served throughout the North Africa campaigns.

Later in France, Rommel was the man in charge of building the Atlantic Wall that would protect Nazi-occupied France from Allied invasion: though he had warned heavily that his experiences in North Africa had taught him that land and sea defences would be nothing if air supremacy allowed the Allies to destroy the Nazi army from above, Rommel was ignored.

After the defeat in North Africa, the retreat through Greece and Italy and the failure to stop the D-Day invasions, his reputation as a superstar general back home was in tatters.

Rommel’s reputation got a huge boost because of a 1951 film.

If Rommel’s reputation as a great leader was undermined by the catastrophic defeats on the African, Italian and Western Fronts in the last two years of the war, why was it that the so-called “Rommel Myth” was so pervasive after the war? The theories are numerous, but one major contributing factor must be the success of the 1951 film, The Desert Fox. Rommel was played by the iconic actor James Mason who won critical acclaim for his role.

Rommel was a well-known figure in Allied countries and in 1950, the first biography of the “good German” was released in the UK. Written by Desmond Young, a British brigadier-general who had himself been captured by Rommel during the war, “Rommel: The Desert Fox” was incredibly popular in Britain and cemented the position of the vanquished general as the acceptable enemy.

His later involvement in the 1944 plot against Hitler did a lot to wash Rommel of the stain of Nazism – conveniently forgetting the decade or so that he had spent close to the top of the regime – and his position as the general who was beaten “fair and square” endeared him to a British audience. After all, it’s much easier to build heroes of your own generals when they have beaten a general that you also respect.

The 1951 film of The Desert Fox further spread the myth and was widely popular in the UK. The narrative of Rommel, the good German, being defeated by the heroic British in the clean war in North Africa was a far more palatable one in the burgeoning Cold War than one that emphasised the horrible destruction that had come through the Soviet victory in the East.

There could be little appetite for a war with Russia when people were constantly being reminded of the horrific images that had emerged from the Eastern Front. Thus, the clean general of the fair fight in North Africa was an enticing idea.

The Germans, too, were all too pleased to go along with Rommel as their figurehead. Their army had been severely curtailed after their defeat, but there was a clamour to de-Nazify the Wehrmacht and remove the stigma from the German armed forces. The Bundeswehr, the new German army, was more palatable to a post-war world when it could be seen as the legacy of good soldiers lead by bad politicians rather than an integral and vital part of the Nazi war machine.

Thus, the idea of The Desert Fox was created and, to a large extent, still persists. He remains the only Nazi to be lionised within Germany: public squares and streets bear his name, as does the largest barracks of the Bundeswehr. Whether such a status is deserved, however, is still a question about which historians continue to argue.

During the first half of 2020 many countries have been reconsidering the roles of their historical figures - remembered in statue form - due to their controversial views or actions from today’s point of view. In Britain, France and Belgium, statues of figures associated with the colonial past have become the target of public criticism in some quarters. In the United States, not only statues of Confederate figures who defended slavery during the American Civil War were destroyed or even demolished, but also, for example, the discoverer of America, Christopher Columbus.

In Germany a similar process was also underway. The monument to the Wehrmacht Marshal Erwin Rommel in Heidenheim came under severe renewed scrutiny.

Germany's memorial to Field Marshal Erwin Rommel is perched on a hillside overlooking the middle-class town of Heidenheim an der Brenz where he was born 120 years ago. The words inscribed on the white limestone monument describe the legendary Second World War general as "chivalrous", "brave" and as a "victim of tyranny"

The monument, which was built in 1961 by the German Afrikakorps Association, aroused long-term controversy and in the past was repeatedly damaged by inscriptions that called Rommel a Nazi. In 2014, Heidenheim City Hall expressed its intention to contrast the monument with another memorial building. By 2020 those calls took on a greater momentum.

The German artist Rainer Jooss was brought in by the municipal authorities to re-interpret the existing monument without having to destroy it completely. Jooss took as his starting point to focus on other parts of Rommel’s legacy. It was little known that Rommel had large minefields laid during the campaign of German troops in North Africa during World War II. In Libya and Tunisia alone, at least 3,300 people have lost their legs and another 7,500 have been maimed since the statistics were kept in the 1980s. So Jooss designed black silhouette cut out of a maimed child victim of war to complement the monument.

“The monument does not represent the truth, but encourages us to look for it,” said Bernhard Ilg, Mayor of Baden-Württemberg, at the presentation of the monument’s design unveiling in July 2020. Jooss was more stoic. Joos believed it would be a mistake to remove the Rommel monument altogether,"If we let grass grow over it, that would mean the end of the important task of dealing with history.”

The artist behind the modification to the Heidenheim monument said his statue was purposefully made to look small next to the impressive limestone bloc."I wanted to confront the monumental (features) of the original memorial with the fragility of a land mine victim.” Jooss wanted and hoped that it was up to “the next generations to make a picture of themselves based on factual histography.”

Yet eminent historians have since dismissed the fresh silhouette plaque as a transparent attempt to avoid addressing the deep seated questions about Rommel. Indeed Rommel’s privileged position to being seen as the ideal role model for the Bundeswehr (the unified armed forces of Germany and their civil administration and procurement authorities). While recognising his great talents as a commander, they point out several problems: such as Rommel's involvement with a criminal regime and his political naivete. However, there are also many supporters of the continued commemoration of Rommel by the Bundeswehr, and there remains military buildings and streets named after him and portraits of him displayed.

The politician scientist Ralph Rotte called for his replacement with Manfred von Richthofen. Historian Cornelia Hecht opined that whatever judgement history will pass on Rommel – who was the idol of World War II as well as the integration figure of the post-war Republic – it was now the time in which the Bundeswehr should rely on its own history and tradition, and not any Wehrmacht commander. Jürgen Heiducoff, a retired Bundeswehr officer, had written that the maintenance of the Rommel barracks' names and the definition of Rommel as a German resistance fighter are capitulation before neo-Nazi tendencies. Heiducoff agreed with Bundeswehr generals that Rommel was one of the greatest strategists and tacticians, both in theory and practice, and a victim of contemporary jealous colleagues, but argued that such a talent for aggressive, destructive warfare was not a suitable model for the Bundeswehr, a primarily defensive army. Heiducoff criticised those Bundeswehr generals for pressuring the Federal Ministry of Defence into making decisions in favour of the man who they openly admire.

Rommel has had his supporters from this avalanche of revisionist criticism. Historian Michael Wolffsohn supported the Ministry of Defense's decision to continue recognition of Rommel, although he thought the focus should be put on the later stage of Rommel's life, when he began thinking more seriously about war and politics, and broke with the regime. Mitteldeutscher Rundfunk (MDR) reported that, "Wolffsohn declares the Bundeswehr wants to have politically thoughtful, responsible officers from the beginning, thus a tradition of 'swashbuckler' and 'humane rogue' is not intended".

According to authors like Ulrich vom Hagen and Sandra Mass though, the Bundeswehr (as well as NATO) deliberately endorses the ideas of chivalrous warfare and apolitical soldiering associated with Rommel. At a German Ministry conference soliciting input on the matter, Dutch general Ton van Loon advised the German Ministry that, although there can be historical abuses hidden under the guise of military tradition, tradition is still essential for the esprit de corps, and part of that tradition should be the leadership and achievements of Rommel. Historian Christian Hartmann opined that not only Rommel's legacy was worthy of tradition but the Bundeswehr "urgently needs to become more Rommel".

There are other historians who have tried to take a middle path on the continued controversy of Rommel’s legacy. Historian Johannes Hürter believed that instead of being the symbol for an alternative Germany, Rommel should be the symbol for the willingness of the military elites to become instrumentalised by the Nazi authorities. As for whether he can be treated as a military role model, Hürter writes that each soldier can decide on that matter for themselves. Historian Ernst Piper argued that it was totally conceivable that the Resistance saw Rommel as someone with whom they could build a new Germany. According to Piper though, Rommel was a loyal national socialist without crime rather than a democrat, thus unsuitable to hold a central place among role models, although he should be integrated as a major military leader.

Whether one is for and against Rommel such debates take place because he is dead in conveniently ambiguous circumstances.

Recovering from skull fractures in hospital, he missed the main event - the 20 July Bomb Plot 1944 - insitigated by other senior German army officers. Hitler survived the blast, and immediately set about executing the plotters.

While Rommel had lots of contact with many key conspirators and was generally aware of the movement(s) to assassinate Hitler, there is no direct evidence that he knew about the July 20th plot in advance, let alone was involved in any detailed planning. Several conspirators allegedly confessed during interrogation that he was involved and, like Speer, his name was found on Goerdeler’s list of possible participants in a new German government.

Rommel was listed among various possibilities for Reich President. Unfortunately for him, there was no question mark or other notation, as in Speer’s case, which indicated that he was unaware of the designation.

He maintained his innocence when confronted by General Burgdorff on the day he died and also told his wife and son that he had played no part in the events of July 20th. But ultimately, there’s no way to know what he was or was not aware of. He took that with him to the grave.

The list of members of the 20 July plot doesn´t name Rommel as part of the attempt to kill Adolf Hitler. But: Rommel was blamed of having known of plans to do so. So he was forced to commit suicide.

On 19 th October 1944 Rommel met two german generals at his home. They showed him pretended evidence about his paticipation in “operation valkyrie”, which he denied to be true. They accompanied him away from his home, where he swallowed a capsule filled with potassium cyanide and died. The two generals Wilhelm Burgdorf and Ernst Maisel , members of german court of military honour, who had handed over the capsule to Rommel, drove back to his home and contended that Rommel had died because of ramifications of an injury he received on 17th of July during an allied bombardement.

Given a choice between a trial, involving his disgrace, execution and his family’s impoverishment - and suicide - he chose the latter.

The story given to the public was that he’d died of wounds sustained in the air attack. He was named a “german hero”, was “honoured” with a state funeral an d buried in Herrlingen, Germany.

Had he lived who knows what his real fate might have been at the hands of the Allies. At the main Nuremberg trials, the two army generals prosecuted were Field Marshal Wilhelm Keitel and General Alfred Jodl. Both were accused of conspiracy to commit crimes against peace; planning, initiating and waging wars of aggression; war crimes; and crimes against humanity. Both were convicted on all four charges and hanged.

The principal charge against Keitel was the infamous 13 May 1941 Barbarossa Decree, which condemned captured prisoners and ensured a high level of brutality by German soldiers against Soviet civilians. Jodl was the author of the Commando decree – ordering that any Allied commandos encountered in Europe and Africa should be killed immediately without trial, even if in proper uniforms or if they attempted to surrender.

General Heinz Guderian is an example of a prominent German general who did survive the war but was not prosecuted for war crimes.

Another prominent example is Field Marshall Kesselring, who had commanded the defence of Italy after the Allies invaded. Kesselring was not prosecuted at Nuremburg, but did face a British military court in Italy. The Moscow declaration of October 1943 had stated that those accused of war crimes would be prosecuted in the country where they had committed their crimes. Although the trial was conducted in Italy, Italian judges did not participate as Italy was not considered an ally. Kesselring was prosecuted for the shooting of hundreds of Italian prisoners in retaliation for attacks on German soldiers. Kesselring was found guilty and condemned to death. British General Alexander, who had run the Italian campaign, and Winston Churchill pleaded for the sentence to be commuted - which it was. Kesselring was released in 1952 and lived until 1970.

By comparison Rommel was never accused of issuing similar decrees. Many felt that he was an honourable soldier. Nor was he ever accused of shooting prisoners in the way Kesselring was. Rommel’s military reputation is that of a highly professional soldier who carried out his duties according to a military code of ethics. His record is untainted by atrocities or unsavoury tactics against the enemy or civilian populations. He tended to live a charmed life early in the war.

Had he lived one can only speculate as to his fate and his legacy. Speculation regarding a possible role for him in the rebuilding of German forces for NATO, had he survived, is unrealistic. Rommel was never a strategically-minded commander. Indeed it is well known that Quartermasters hated him for his habit of outrunning his supplies on the battlefield.

The likelihood is he might well have been allowed to live without any kind of Allied retribution for war crimes as he was never guilty of any such departures from a strict military code of behaviour. But in trial - he would surely would have been put on trial even if he would be found not guilty - the messy details of his involvement with the Nazi regime would come to light. It would show that Rommel certainly benefited from the regime he served, and I think would have been considered guilty by association, even if his enthusiasm for Hitler waned in his final days.

Post-war, it would not have surprised me at all if the Allies had sought to build a West German government around Rommel. Staunchly anti-Communist, he nevertheless was seen widely as honourable and pro-West. But what role he would have been given - or what role the allies might have been able to make palatable to a war ravaged population - can only be speculated.

I suspect he would have served in some official capacity within the Bundeswehr before retiring to write his highly expected memoirs. It’s telling that Rommel’s chief of staff, Hans Speidel, drove the creation of the Bundeswehr and was the first to be named a generaloberst in that force. Later he was Supreme Commander of all NATO ground forces in Central Europe (which was almost all of it). It’s an intriguiing thought what Rommel might have played in a post-war Cold War Germany and Europe. Speidel and Rommel were inseparable and cut from the same bolt of cloth. Indeed it was Hans Speidel, who had been involved in the July 20 plot, wrote after the war that Rommel was a member of the resistance, (for which there is no evidence) that contributed towards Rommel and ‘The Good German’ Myth.

Given all that was “overlooked” by both the Allies and the German people after World War Two. There’s no logical reason to think that Rommel would not have been as honoured, if not more so, after the war. After all, one of the main Bundeswehr barracks continues to be named after him in 1965.

To me he was a great general rightly lauded by his peers and military historians - but not the best. Rommel was a highly competent tactical commander, but there were many such commanders in the Wehrmacht. His prominence is due to a number of things. Firstly, he was always Hitler favourite; secondly Goebbels played him up in his propaganda; and thirdly he fought the British and Americans and thus received much more attention in the Western press and historians after the War than the German commanders fighting the Soviets.

Indeed an argument can be made that by fighting in the Western Desert in a sector that the British had logistical and material superiority (and thus difficult to defeat), Rommel essentially taught the British and the Americans Blitzkrieg tactics - essentially modern warfare. His very inflated legacy saved the British from admitting their military performance in North Africa was abysmal until the Axis forces overextended their supply lines and the American supply of goods was able to compensate for substandard British equipment.

It’s also forgotten that Rommel also oversaw the building of Hitler’s Atlantic Wall which was essentially a fiction when he took over. Immense resources were poured into the project. The impact was to delay the Anglo-Americn invasion about 5 hours and only on one beach (Omaha).

And no matter how humane and honourable he was, Rommel was ultimately a weak man who chose to look away when it was convenient to his career to do so. Indeed I agree with many historians today that he was primarily bent on serving Hitler to advance his career. He was a man who believed he was serving a king and realises too late that he was a devil. I have little doubt that he was conflicted by that especially as it grew during the seven months of his life leading up to his death. Perhaps the best tactical military manoeuvre he made was to take the poison forced upon him and thereby save his family but also secure his legacy, even if that legacy remains mostly intact if a little more tarnished to this day.

#rommel #nazism #nazi #german history #war #second world war #battle #soldier #general #erwin rommel #allies #germany #afrikacorps #statues #culture #society #history #military #military history

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dustedmagazine · 4 years ago

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Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

youtube

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

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calumrose · 5 years ago

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Trigger [Police/Gang!AU] Chapter 4 || C.H

A//N: Here we bloody go! Enjoy chapter 4! I was gonna stick in a GIF for Calum but then realised he’s not actually in this chapter *spoiler ;)* But there’s almost no good gifs for my face claim for Eloise so... If one gets attached by the time I post this, then google images clearly felt like being nice to me for once.

Word Count: 11.3k

Summary: Eloise Gray and Calum Hood, not two people you would ever think to put together. What started as a ploy for power turned into a romance, resulting in the realisation that loving your enemy may not be such a bad thing after all.

Previous Chapters: Prologue / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

22 Days Left

The park was surprisingly quiet for a Thursday afternoon. There was a quiet bustle that continued to fill the open space, people enjoying a peaceful afternoon walk while others enjoyed a more strenuous afternoon run. The sun beat down through the blue skies, the reflection of light bouncing off of the pond in the centre of the grassed area where Paige and Eloise sat together.

Eloise was in desperate need of a catch up with a friend; one who didn’t have any ties with a so-called gang. Paige was always one to think straight, and that’s exactly what Eloise needed right now, a straight talker. Her mind was a minefield and had been for the past few days; more so than usual. Typically, the reason for the treacherous tiptoeing around her own thoughts were due to the highly illegal escapades she found herself tied up in, but instead this time they were caused by a hopelessly handsome, tall Australian who she had been texting back and forth with for the past few days.

Ever since their date in Calum’s apartment, ever since she felt his lips against hers once again, she was in a trance. She couldn’t think straight anymore, unable to block him out. And unfortunately for her, she was struggling to convince herself that none of it was genuine.

Talking to Calum was so easy for her, it was as easy as walking. And it confused her. She was unable to comprehend how she felt so comfortable around him, how she was able to be rendered speechless by his words, how she was able to become putty in his hands without even realising. She hated that it seemed so involatile, unable to be stopped no matter how hard she tried to fight it – even though she didn’t make the strongest effort to.

A gust of wind blew through the park, catching Paige off-guard as she tried to keep her cap secured on her head against the wind, a gentle huff escaping her as she waited for it to calm down. Eloise’s hair flew freely from the breeze, her body welcoming the cold chill that rattled through her bones as she sat in the company of her friend. “Could you have picked a windier spot to sit down?” Paige scoffed, a playful smirk on her face as she turned in her seat, trying to find a better position to battle against the wind, to which Eloise sent a shrug in response.

Eloise and Paige had been friends for years, meeting in high school and being paired up in their history class for a project, becoming and remaining close friends ever since. She had introduced Eloise to her other friends, and then Eloise introduced them to Scott. The small group of them became a team during their time in school, a group who stuck together and supported one another throughout most trials and tribulations, especially when it came to Eloise.

“So, uh, y’know there’s a reason why I asked if we could meet up today,” Paige plucked a few strands of grass from the ground next to her, avoiding Eloise’s eyes. Her whole face was rosy, a mixture of that being from the radiating sun shining down on them and also from the remaining effects of the cold she had been suffering with.

“Uh huh,” Eloise sounded, trying to encourage Paige to continue with whatever she was trying to come out with. The words looked to be as if they were on the tip of the blonde’s tongue, her blue eyes, that shared the same shade as the sky, searching for something to focus on. “Paige, out with it already for god’s sake!”

Eloise could see the intake of breath Paige took in as her blue eyes finally met brown. “Remember the promotion I mentioned a few weeks back, the one for the Lead Graphic Designer position in Georgia?” Eloise felt her throat tighten at the word ‘Georgia’, realising very quickly what her friend was trying to explain to her. “And how I thought about going for it, but I fought against it because it meant packing up everything and moving to another state,”

Eloise nodded, “Yeah, I remember. And from what you had told me, it sounded pretty perfect you,”

Paige swallowed the lump in her throat as she plucked up the courage to continue, “Well, I applied for it, but I didn’t want to tell anyone in case I got my hopes up for nothing, but I’ve heard back. And they want me to start in a few weeks.”

Eloise mouth dropped; the corners of mouth tilted up as she stared at the blonde in surprise. She didn’t say anything at first, unable to find the words before she found the strength in her throat to let out a subtle shriek of joy before leaning over and wrapping her arms around her friend. “Paige, that’s great news! This is fantastic!” Paige’s arms were felt around Eloise’s shoulders, a gentle appreciative laugh coming from her nude coloured lips.

“Do you think I’m crazy for doing it?” Her voice spoke softly in Eloise’s ear, wonder lacing the sweet sound. Eloise pulled away from the hug, sitting back in her previous position as she studied the puzzled face of the gifted individual in front of her. “I mean, packing up my entire life and shipping it across to Atlanta, Georgia wasn’t exactly how I imagined myself taking the next step.”

“You’re not crazy,” Eloise assured her, “Trust me, this is the right thing for you to do. This is the big push you needed; I can feel it.”

Although she was excited for Paige, Eloise could feel her heart sink ever so slightly at the realisation of Paige’s departure. She knew she was selfish for feeling sorry for herself due to her friend’s success, thinking about how she was being left behind, being abandoned by someone she cared about so they could go and explore a new chapter of their life meanwhile she was left in New York to live the same old shambled chapters she knew would repeat. She needed to pull herself back again. This was Paige’s happy moment, she needed to embrace it for her. Paige didn’t seem too ecstatic about it herself, so, Eloise needed to be the one to fuel the excitement for her.

“You’ll be a right o’ southern belle by the time you come back and visit,” Eloise joked, trying to find some humour in the situation, trying to bring the mood back up, trying to make Paige moving to be a positive experience, “You’re gonna be that woman who owns a big ranch-style house and starts preparing for Thanksgiving three months early.”

Paige’s wide smile couldn’t be hidden as her laugh erupted from her gut, her hand slapping her knee at her friend’s poor excuse of a joke. It was the simple, but terrible, comedy that she would miss when she moved to Atlanta. Of course, she would make new friends, she knew that, but they wouldn’t be able to replace the close ones she had made throughout her years of living in the Big Apple.

“Have you told Roman about the job?” Eloise asked, her fingers raking through her dark hair, pushing the few straggling strands back into place. She could sense by Paige’s grimace that she had told him, and it obviously didn’t go too well. “How’d he take it?”

Paige let out a slow breath, leaning back on her hands as she tilted her head back, sunglasses resting comfortably against her nose as they protected her baby blues from the harsh rays. “He’s not exactly talking to me right now, it’s like being with a moody teenager. It’s like every time I try to have a conversation with him, he just brushes it off or excuses himself and says he’s busy.” Her heart clenched at the struggle she knew she was going through with Roman, their relationship always being one of compromise and conversation. They had always been able to talk things through; it was quite something if this transition was going to be what broke them.

“Have you thought about asking him to move with you?” Eloise spoke out, cautiously as she attempted to approach the matter with care, knowing that it probably wasn’t Paige’s favourite topic of conversation, “Could he not transfer to another school for work? I imagine Atlanta has plenty of high schools across the city, it wouldn’t be difficult for him to get a job over there.” She knew Roman had always been the stubborn one out of their friends, always having a plan for himself and that being the way it had to be done, no exceptions. Maybe that’s why he was so successful in his career.

Paige shook her head, pushing herself to sit up straight, pulling her knees up so they went up against her chest, her bare arms wrapping around them. “He’s already fought enough to get his professors to place him in a school in New York so he could stay at home, he won’t want to move again. So, I think we’re just going to do long distance, I just… I also just don’t think he’s ready to commit to the big step of moving to a new city, getting a place together, or being solely independent right now. El, you know I would love for him to come with me, but I know he’s not ready for that, not yet anyway,” She sighed, her eyes sparking in the sunlight, before she could add, “Jackson actually called me last night to talk about Roman. Apparently, he called him not long after I told him about Georgia, he said he was crying about how I was leaving and how he felt as though I was running away from him but then he even admitted that he’s too afraid to commit to the move, he claimed that he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.”

“Paige, you know he loves you so much,” Eloise tried to assure her friend, “He’s smitten and it’s painful to watch if I’m honest with you. Maybe this is what he needs; for you to move and start your next chapter on your own, maybe this will the kick up the ass he needs to know that you’re his whole life and nothin’ else makes him as happy as you do.”

Paige covered her face with her hands, her palms rubbing her soft skin as she let out a quiet groan of frustration before looking up and meeting Eloise’s caring gaze. “Jackson said the same thing. He told me this is what Roman needs for him to realise if I’m what he really wants.”

“I wouldn’t have put it quite like that. Paige, y’know that he wants you and only you, it’s more that he just needs a push to realise that he’s more in love with you than what he thinks.” Blue eyes met brown yet again as a deadpanned expression spread across the blonde’s face, a look that spoke a thousand words but one that also realised that Eloise had a point. Roman was deeply in love with Paige, he just needed to realise it.

“Can we change the subject now? I didn’t think me announcing my promotion would result in mini pity party for myself,” The blonde’s voice tried to speak more clearly, more confident as if she were trying to push back her emotions about her current situation and find a distraction, “What’s been going on with you lately? I haven’t seen you properly since your birth- “

Paige was cut up the sound of a phone beeping, looking towards where Eloise’s device lay next to her, unable to help as her eyes peered over and spotted the name that rested above a notification of a text message. Eloise grabbed the phone from beside her, her eyes spotting the name and trying to stop the tickling flutter of her heart as she opened it and read the text message from Calum.

I was thinking we could do a movie night or something? I’ve got Saturday night off if you’re free - I can pick you up and we can hang out. How does that sound?

Eloise had begun writing out her reply, her fingers quickly working against the screen before Paige’s voice stopped her halfway.

“Who’s Calum?”

Eloise prayed that the redness in her face could be played off as being caused by the heat of the sun, feeling the heat radiating throughout her entire body as she glanced up at Paige’s perfectly sculpted face that stared at the nerve-struck girl. Why she was getting nervous? Sometimes Eloise forgot that there were people in her life that weren’t linked to the game of the Gypsy Kings, forgetting that some people she spent time with had good intentions, some who only saw her as Eloise and not a Gypsy King.

“Do you remember when we were at Moxi’s for my birthday, and there was a guy at the bar that Mia kept pointing out to me?” Eloise spoke as she continued to type out her response to Calum’s text message before sending, I’m not 100% sure what I’m doing on Saturday, but I’ll get back to you on that. A movie night sounds good though, do I get to pick?

She wasn’t lying. She knew there was some business that needed taking care of in regard to the protection service plan she had come up with as a method of making money within the gang. She recalled Han mentioning that he and Jay had discussed rates and he had a potential client who was interested, but what she didn’t know was when exactly any details would be put in place or confirmed. It was quite literally being played by ear, just how she hated it.

She locked her phone and placed it back down onto the ground beside where she sat, her fingers brushing against the short green grass briefly before crossing her legs and resting her nimble hands in her lap. “I ended up running into him later on that night, we got talking and next thing I know I’m in the back of cab with him, kissing him, and before I can even register where I am, we’re at his house an- “

“Hold the fucking phone!” Paige yelled out, stopping Eloise in her tracks, she leaned forward as if to hear her better, her jaw nearly hitting the floor as her eyes were as wide as bowling balls, “You mean to tell me; that you pulled a guy, who had been watching you the entire night, went back to his place and slept with him?!”

“You’re getting ahead of yourself,” Eloise let out a gentle chuckle as she shook her head, “I never slept with him. I chickened out; I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But for some reason, he still asked me to stay the night.”

“This is definitely something that could only happen to you,” Paige shook her head twice as she smiled, “So, what? You guys just cuddled and kissed throughout the night and now you’re texting?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Eloise realised a breathy laugh, a smile resting across her face as she thought about how odd it sounded. It did sound like something almost out of movie. Very odd indeed.

“Please tell me you have a photograph of him, or you can find him online or something? I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that you, Eloise Gray, actually committed the moral sin of pulling a guy at a bar when you’ve refused point blank to do anything along those lines for years, until I see photographic evidence of this man,” Paige wiggled her fingers in a ‘give’ motion to Eloise, waiting for the photograph of the man she claimed to be talking to.

Eloise rolled her eyes as she pulled open her text thread with Calum, scrolling through the recent conversation before finding what she was looking for. Calum had sent her a picture that morning; he was taking Duke out for a walk and had snapped a quick picture of himself and the pup and sent it to Eloise with the message, Before my dog and a trail of mud ruin my shoes, pray for me please. She chuckled to herself before clicking on the photo, enlarging it on her screen before handing the device over to Paige who gasped almost instantly at the sight on the screen.

If Paige’s eyes could have rolled out of her head then they would have in that moment, her jaw once again connecting with the floor. Eloise held back the awful the joke of needing to pick it up for her. She watched as Paige’s ocean eyes dissected the photograph, obviously taking longer than necessary. It wasn’t much longer before the phone was handed back to Eloise, it being locked and returned to the ground as Paige’s expression never faltered.

“If the wind changes your face is gonna stay like that.” She spoke in joking tone, laughing breathily as she watched the maths in Paige’s head try to add up what she had just seen.

“El, listen to me, you know that I love you very much, so what I’m about to say, I mean in the nicest way possible,” Paige began, her hands gentle waving around as if to try and portray that she was figuring out her words as she went, “You’ve got to be shitting me, right! El, he is gorgeous! How did you not sleep with him?”

Eloise rolled her eyes yet again, practically slamming her head into her hands as she held back a groan mixed with a laugh, shaking her head, and letting out an overexaggerated sigh before looking back up at the blonde. “Because it would seem as though I have some self-respect,” She stated, tilting her head to side ever so slightly, raising her eyebrows.

“You need to arrange a date with him, like right now, like right this very minute,” Paige insisted, pointing at the mobile phone that lay next to Eloise’s thigh, “You’re crazy if you don’t, considering you’ve apparently been texting since you left that man with blue balls, so clearly he’s got some interest.”

“Just because we can have a conversation after I nearly slept with him, doesn’t mean I need to go on a date with him,” Eloise shrugged, knowing that she wasn’t going to win this argument that she was starting with Paige, already witnessing the frustration grow on her friend’s fair face.

“Eloise, I swear to god, if you don’t go on a date with this man, I think I might combust!”

“That’s very extreme, Paige.”

“Just go on a date with him please, if it’s awful then fine; you don’t see him again.” Paige practically begged.

“Why are you pushing so hard for me to go on a date with him? And how do you know if I haven’t already?” Eloise quirked an eyebrow, smirking at catching her friend out on her words.

“Because this is the first time that I’ve known you t- I’m sorry, what did you just say?” The blonde stopped herself midsentence, needing to make a doubletake to be sure she heard Eloise correctly, “You’ve already had a date? El, why didn’t you just say that at the beginning?!”

“Because you never asked,” Eloise smirked, laughing wholeheartedly at her friend’s stunned expression, as if it irritated her that she never caught on quicker.

One of Eloise’s favourite pastimes had to be irritating her friends in the harmless ways of catching them out with small things like this, along with teasing them about matters she knew irritated them. It never came from a place of malice, only ever full of fun.

“Well, I hope you’re about to tell me how it went,” Paige’s perfectly plucked eyebrows raised along her smooth forehead, “You’ve kept me in suspense this long, I think the least you could do is fill me in on what godforsaken acts the two of you got up to on your date.”

Eloise couldn’t help as she bit the inside of her cheek, gnawing gently on the flesh as she recalled the night that Calum and she hadn’t stopped talking since. It was if she could still feel his touch of her waist, the searing heat of his hands making imprints on her body that she couldn’t get rid of. She could still feel the light stubble of his chin scratching against her palms, neck, and shoulder as he kissed her. She hated that she remembered it so well, hating that she had to admit to herself that she enjoyed it. She wasn’t supposed to revel in the feelings he gave her. She was supposed to pretend that she did.

It was almost like the feeling ate away at her, but she enjoyed it. She liked the feeling the thought of Calum and that night gave her. It scared her nonetheless but yet she still had an inkling to feel it again. Was she losing her mind? Possibly.

She recalled to Paige about how his home was bigger than her apartment; the living alone being close to the size of both her own living room and kitchen combined. The details of how she discovered that Calum had a dog flowed from her lips, laughing as she admitted that she would have accepted his date offer a lot quicker if she had known about the dog beforehand. She got excited over the food that she found in his kitchen, explaining how he insisted they order takeout but she couldn’t stop wanting to eat some of the leftovers he had – having not had a proper homecooked meal like that in what felt was forever – and it being one of the best things she had ever tasted.

The smile on Eloise’s face only grew as she talked where he was from, how his family were living in separate parts of the world, highlighting how amazing it must be to be able to travel to those places and be reunited with his family after time apart.

“Okay, and then what happened?” Paige pushed for more, leaning forward as if she was a child at story time. She thrived off of romance stories, basking in people’s tales of first dates and romantic proposals, only fuelling her urge as the hopeless romantic that she was.

Eloise froze for a moment, sighing as she knew there was something she had forgotten to mention about Calum. She didn’t fear Paige’s reaction, knowing that she wouldn’t react like some, but she knew that with her next statement, there would only be a response of concern for Eloise. Guess she better get on with it…

“We talked about his job for bit as well,” Eloise nodded, letting out a sharp exhale before she looked over at Paige to watch her reaction to her following words, “It turns out he’s a detective in the NYPD.” Her brown eyes watched as Paige’s body stopped in place, her eyes blinking a few times before she slowly leaned back into a normal seated position, her face puzzled as she tried to muster the courage to say the words on her tongue.

“He’s a cop?” Eloise couldn’t decide whether Paige was making a statement or asking a question, her lips remaining parted as if she was going to continue, “El, a-are you sure? I mean, I know I’m not involved in the whole gang lifestyle but… El, surely this isn’t good. What if they find out? What’s going to happen?”

“You don’t need to worry about it, it’s alright,” Eloise shook her head, trying to keep her voice calm as a way of reassuring Paige’s concerned demeanour, “It’ll work itself out, I can feel it.”

“Are you that’s not just paranoia of someone shooting you for dating a cop that you’re feeling?” Paige spoke through gritted teeth, keeping her voice quiet as if it were a secret.

Eloise was thankful for friends like Paige who weren’t involved in the same affiliations as she was. She knew that Paige would be supportive of her decisions but at the same time, she would show more concern for Eloise’s wellbeing, acting as a friend rather than a member she ran with. Eloise had found that her friends like Paige and Roman had more compassion than the others within the Gypsy Kings.

“Like I said, it’ll be fine,” Eloise repeated, her voice stronger this time, trying to solidify the assurance in Paige that it would truly work out. Of course, Paige didn’t know the whole story but that’s fine. That’s the way Eloise needed to keep it.

She couldn’t help but note the shift of tension between them; nothing but worry in Paige’s eyes for her dear friend who was doing something that she couldn’t decide if she would label it as reckless or plain stupid. Eloise could see the mental fight Paige was having with herself over if she should discourage Eloise or if she should give in to her antics and allow for her friend to be happy in a romantic setting. Only Paige didn’t know the actual reason as to why she even in a romantic setting.

But it was the next question that followed that relaxed Eloise, giving her the comfort that she didn’t quite know she wanted. Or needed. She felt a makeshift weight practically lift as Paige let out an understanding breath and asked, “So, does it he look good in his uniform?”

Eloise couldn’t stop the thankful smile from creasing her lips, silently thanking Paige for trusting her words that she couldn’t even be one hundred percent trusting in herself.

“I’m still yet to see the full blues,” Eloise chuckled, “But I think they only wear those for formal police matters, if they’re attending a gathering with the commissioner or something along those lines. I’m not too clued up on how it works honestly.”

Eloise continued to talk about the date, mentioning how they found common ground of knowing people who had the same character. She missed out a few bits and pieces, dismissing Paige from having to know the full details of their discussions. Her smile returned when she thought about the turn that the date took when they were sat on the couch. She described how his eyes were darker than her own but yet somehow brighter, she swore she could see gold in them if she looked hard enough. She smiled at Paige’s small coos throughout the story, a fond smile spread across her face as she listened while Eloise reminisced about her forbidden night with the detective. She laughed as she talked about how she didn’t even hear her phone ring when she was kissing him, as if she had become deaf to all that surrounded her.

“Wait, who was calling you?” Paige asked, eyebrows furrowed as she watched Eloise look up at the sky, as if she was watching a moving picture of her night in the bright landscape.

“Scott,” Eloise scoffed, shaking her head barely before she looked over at her blonde companion of the day, “He called me because he had an emergency which he needed me to help with. Apparently, there was no one else he could call without being told to ‘get over it’.” She raised her fingers and air-quoted the words, unable to hold back the laugh at the memory.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Paige laughed out loud, a slight groan escaping as she playfully slapped Eloise’s leg a few times, “He cockblocked you!”

Eloise couldn’t hold back the giggles as they continued to erupt, shaking her head in agreement. “I felt bad for Calum a little bit. I had to apologise and tell him that my best friend was having a crisis and I needed to go and help him.”

“That poor man.” Paige said through the laughs, trying to sound of sympathetic as possible. She rubbed her face with her freehand, her cheeks beginning to ache a little from laughing, “So, what was Scott’s crisis if it was so urgent that it quite literally broke up your date?”

“Do you remember that Lydia girl that he disappeared with in Moxi’s?” Eloise asked, gaining an immediate nod in response from Paige, “Well, apparently she had turned up at my apartment demanding to speak to Scott and thought that my apartment was his. She was kicking and screaming at the door, so she phoned Scott and told him to come out and speak to her- “

“But she’s outside your apartment in Sunset Park, and doesn’t he live over in Mapleton- “

“Exactly! So, he headed over to try and stop her from breaking my door down. And when he got there, all my neighbours were standing around and asking why there was a girl outside my apartment having a meltdown, which only got worse when she saw him. And from what Scott told me about why she was upset, I don’t think he called her back after she left him a voicemail asking to see him again and she didn’t take it too well, so, she thought it would be a good idea to come and confront him in person.” Eloise struggled to hold a straight face as she recalled the words Scott had spewed out to her a few nights ago.

“So, you were called – why? Because it’s your apartment or did he actually need you to do something?” Paige questioned, looking at Eloise with perched brows as if waiting for the punchline.

“Here comes the best part; Scott asked me to escort her out of the building because he was too afraid.”

“Hold on, just wait- wait a minute… Scott was too scared to ask a girl to leave because she was crying, so he calls you, a fellow girl, to come and get rid of his problem? And yet, he can fire a gun and not flinch?” Paige asked, waving her hand around as she was piecing it together, gaining a nod from Eloise. She had summed it up perfectly. Paige’s face fell into her hands as she tried to hold in her laughter, fighting the urge to allow the entire park to hear her. Eloise joined her in the laughter, her hand coming up and wiping away the small water leaks from her eyes before she tried to catch her breath.

It took a few minutes for them to compose themselves, the harmless laughter still being shared between them as they sat again and enjoyed their time together in the park, embracing the few hours they could spend with one another before they were separated by busy schedules. Mainly Paige’s.

But unfortunately for Eloise, she was about to be brought back down to earth from her short, temporary high, Paige’s voice asking her a question she had hoped she would avoid.

“You know I hate to be a negative Nancy but, El, do you realise how bad it looks for a goddamn criminal to be dating a cop? Even you have to see how alien that is, and I hope you know what you’re doing because the last thing I want- “

“Do you wanna know something, Paige?” Eloise scoffed, her tongue poking the inside of her cheek as she took a shaky but angry breath, trying to contain her sudden frustration with her friend, “I’m not worried about it. It’s almost as if for the first time, I feel normal. When I think about him or I’m with him, I feel like a normal twenty-one-year-old. I feel like I’m your average young adult who is dating someone just as average. But now I think I actually like him and that’s what fucking scares me. I’ve never been afraid of someone holding a gun to my head, or someone coming at me with a knife, but all of a sudden, I like somebody who might even like me back, and I feel like I’m dying insi- “

Her voice cracked throughout her rushed statement, her voice and emotions taking over as she let the words spew from her mouth without even thinking about them. Did she just –

“So, you like him?” Paige’s voice piped up, looking at Eloise as she waited for an answer, “You like Calum?”

Eloise thought for a moment. The obvious answer was for her to say ‘yes’. It was the easy answer for her to give, the ploy of the Gypsy Kings sitting in the back of her mind as she thought of her answer, but also the way her heart quivered at the thought of his smile. She fought over why the answer was so easy, was it because she knew that it made the plan easier to work with? Or was it because she did? Did she really like Calum?

Her mind flooded back a few seconds to the statement she had just allowed to consume the space between her and Paige, allowing for the first time, her emotions about someone to be out in the open, for them to be said and shared with someone other than the voice in the back of her head. The realisation of her words set in, the discovery of the admission she had made sitting prominent in her mind as she looked for some sort of excuse as to why she had said it, a seed of doubt attempting to sprout as if on instinct, trying to figure out why she had just said all that. It was false, wasn’t it? She didn’t feel all those things for Calum. She barely knew him.

But if that were the case, why did she find her heartbeat picking up at the thought of telling someone she liked him? Why did she enjoy the flutter of butterflies within her stomach as she thought of him on each of those nights? Why did she try and play the psychology game, trying to believe she had somehow psyched herself into feeling this way for the sole purpose of the scheme following through?

Why couldn’t Eloise just admit to herself that what she had just said out loud was the truth?

And then she surprised herself.

“Yeah I do,”

Paige’s teeth were showing in her smile, her hand reaching out and wrapping around her dear friend as she pulled her into a hug, squeezing her gently. It shouldn’t have been such a big moment for Eloise to admit she had some form of feelings, but it was. It was a moment that Paige had never seen before; none of her friends had seen this moment before when it came to Eloise.

“I don’t know how to describe it,” Eloise’s voice began to speak, quiet and almost uncertain as if every sentence was a question, “It feels I’m going to be sick every time I see him. It feels like I can’t think straight without something about him appearing in my mind, or I see something that makes me think of him. I don’t know how to feel other than as if I’m on fire, as if someone’s dipped me in gasoline and set me alight.”

Paige’s expression was one of admiration, basking in the admission she had just witnessed, watching as Eloise discovered what it felt like to be attracted to someone in a way other than through a physical connection. It was a proud moment, one that Paige didn’t want to take away from Eloise, one that she wanted to allow the brunette to cherish for as long as she could.

“It’s like I have no control over it,” Eloise let out a breath, staring down at her hands as if they were foreign objects, things she had never seen before, “I don’t know what this means and that’s what scares me.”

And if Eloise thought she was scared of her own feelings; she truly hadn’t known what fear felt like until Paige spoke.

“You’re in love.”

It was if the air in her lungs suddenly evaporated, disappearing at the speed of light as she stared at Paige with an incredulous look on her face. She was certain she had heard wrong, refusing to the believe that word had just been spoken in regard to how she was feeling. There was no way that Eloise felt that, not with knowing what was brought along as baggage as if in a holy matrimony.

“Don’t be stupid, Paige, I’m not. I said I liked the guy, that doesn’t mean that I’m in lo- “

She couldn’t even bring herself to say the word, the word itself brought an uncomfortable queasy sensation to her stomach. And not the one she felt previously and guiltily enjoyed when she thought of the Australian officer. She shook her head at the thought, refusing point blank to even consider such a word for a man she had only technically been on one date with.

“You know I’m right.” She smirked, nudging Eloise’s t-shirt clad shoulder. Eloise reached to the ground, finding the sleeve of her leather jacket she was sitting on, allowing her fingers to fiddle with the material and roll up the sleeve, as if it were an attempt to briefly distract herself from the words of Paige Romanoff.

“I know you’re ridiculous.” Eloise countered, sighing as she dropped her jacket sleeve and picked up her phone, unlocking it to find the picture of Calum still on her screen from when her phone was last open. She took a deep breath as she returned to the text thread, letting her fingers work as she tried to piece together a sentence to send to him, her body rushing ahead before her mind had a chance to take a moment and realise what she was doing. Before she could think about her actions, she had pressed send.

It looks like I’m free on Saturday. I’ll get the train into Queens and meet you at your place just after 6 if that works for you. Guess I’ll see you then.

“That better be you arranging another date,” Paige’s eyebrows wiggled at the phone, smirking at Eloise’s subtle concentration as she wrote out the text before she locked her phone and put it away.

Eloise half-rolled her eyes at the blonde’s comment, shaking her head lightly before her lips pursed and she found herself asking, “Why does the word ‘date’ suddenly sound so dirty coming from you?”

“Because you know that it’s more than that,” Paige teased, her shoulders rising as she rubbed her hands together, “You’re finally letting your heart make decisions for you, and for the first time in your life, it looks like you can trust it.”

“If I can trust my heart, then why do I feel like it’s only going to betray me and let me drown when it all goes wrong?”

Paige couldn’t handle her frustration, her hand raising in the air for a second before lowering back down as she composed herself, “I swear, El, I am this close to hitting you one day,” She showed her index finger and thumb mere millimetres apart, “I don’t think you realise how afraid you are sometimes. You’re so scared of letting yourself be happy that you talk yourself into seeing people as only being something that will hurt you, and before they even have a chance to prove you wrong, you push them away. And maybe for the first time in the time that I’ve known you, Eloise, you may just be starting to let your guard down a little. This is a good thing.”

“So basically, what you’re saying is I self-sabotage?” Her cocoa-coloured eyes squinted a little at Paige as if trying to force the admission out of her, her chapped lips rolling into her mouth.

“What I’m saying, El, is that you’re so scared of letting people see the real you that you block them out before they have a chance. And it’s about time people got to see you for who you really are. Because believe it or not, but you’re pretty fucking fantastic. Let them see you for once.”

Paige’s words struck a chord within Eloise that she didn’t see coming. The string of words resonated with the scared young woman who sat opposite her blonde friend. Maybe Paige was right? Maybe it was all just because she was scared? Maybe people did have good intentions, but Eloise was too blinded by her fear of being hurt that she eliminated all possibilities; good and bad. She was too afraid to be loved and abandoned that she banished all the chances of feeling that again.

Maybe it was time that changed.

*****

22 Days Left

It was colder than usual for New York, especially in August. The gentle breeze drifting through the city only adding the chill Eloise tried to protect herself from, a maroon hoodie being worn beneath her jacket as an extra layer. Her back was resting against a brick wall behind her, her left foot perched up on it also as she stood opposite the familiar face of Han, the only light source coming from the unstable neon sign above them and the gentle amber glow that flowed from the windows of the bar they stood outside. The pink light giving a rosy tinge to their skin tones, making them seem almost as if they were shadows in the alley without it.

Eloise stood with one hand in her jacket pocket, her phone in the other as she mindlessly swiped through Twitter, her eyes only skimming the brief paragraphs of words that people spilled on the bird-themed app.

It was late. It was very late. Eloise spotted the clock at the top of her phone screen, sighing as she thought about how this had become a normal sociable hour for the likes of her. It was coming close to one in the morning, the dark sky canvasing the city as it remained lit with the help of streetlamps, although many of them were broken and would only let out a flicker of a golden light every so often. The alley was practically silent around them, the only sound being the rare car that passed along the road on the other side of red building.

Well it would have been silent if Han didn’t make his voice known, disturbing Eloise from her peaceful interaction with her mobile phone.

“Jay’ll be out soon and then we can get going, this is the last stop for the night,” Han rested a hand on the back of his head, attempting to secure the grey beanie he wore that had begun to slip, “Mooney just needs to pay up and then- “

“What’s Mooney even paying for? He’s a businessman - a successful one at that - what business does he have with Jay that makes him drag us out in the middle of the night?” Eloise sighed, exasperated as she slid her phone back into her pocket, as she looked at the face which she knew all too well.

“Mooney needed a job done a while back, and Jay offered to do it for a good price. It’s been three months since Mooney’s problem was taken care of and Jay still hasn’t seen a penny, so he wanted to call in and at least get a down payment on what he’s owed.”

Eloise raised her eyebrows knowingly, her tongue pushing against her bottom lip before speaking. “And by ‘down payment’ you mean he’s going to take exactly what’s owed. I know as well as you do, Han, Jay doesn’t do things by halves. But why are we here, last time I checked, Jay can handle himself, can’t he?”

“He just wanted some backup in case things got rowdy and they didn’t want to pay up. Think of it as a way of stopping Mooney from doing something stupid.” Han dropped his head a little, eyes meeting Eloise’s brown ones as he let the right corner of his mouth quip up.

It wasn’t Mooney who they needed to worry about doing something stupid. Eloise knew that, and so did Han although he didn’t want to admit it. Jay always tended to get ahead of himself in situations like this.

Eloise let herself focus on the faint sound of chatter and music she could hear from a few buildings over, smiling briefly at the thought of the club that had recently opened on the street behind Mooney’s; the new attraction being at the very end of the road but yet the music was so loud she could still hear it. She recognised the song, tapping her foot along to the beat in the hope of making time pass by quicker if she lost herself in the music.

A presence was felt next to her, a warm shoulder nudging against her own before her eyes met Han’s cold ones yet again. He had shifted to stand beside her, his back resting against the same wall as he searched his pocket for the very thing that Eloise rolled her eyes at the sight of. “You know if this gang doesn’t kill you then those definitely will.” She scoffed, sighing as she watched Han pluck a white cigarette from the tattered box, his other hand holding his lighter.

It was a habit she never understood, one that she never got into. She didn’t hate smoking; it just wasn’t her thing. She watched as the amber light sparked from the tip of the lighter, the end of the cigarette sizzling softy against the flame before Han took his first drag of the sin, holding his inhale for a few seconds and basking in the gentle burn the filled his lungs before the grey smoke escaped his lips in a long exhale, “I think I’ll take my chances.”

Eloise shook her head, rolling her eyes as she watched the man who she had grown up with smoke what she assumed to be his hundredth cigarette that day. Okay, maybe not his hundredth but at least double digits.

“You haven’t said much about the plan in the past few days, since I rumbled you about your little escapade you’ve been practically void,” Han gently coughed as he held the cigarette between his index and middle finger, his spare hand resting by his side, “Care to give me an update on our little cop friend and you? How far along we are?”

Eloise fought against her natural instinct to freeze, focusing to keep her body as casual as possible, to control her heartbeat, breathe, as well to try and prevent her voice from shaking nor cracking. Why did she have to so much work into trying to sound convincing? Oh yeah – she admitted that she may or not actually like the man who’s she’s supposed to be pretending to like. Something that almost felt as if it was a mild form of Stockholm Syndrome, but instead she was beginning to feel a warmth inside of her for the man she was supposedly lying to, the man she was setting up, the one who she was betraying. She hated that she felt guilty about it: for both Calum and the Kings. They were all she had ever really known, they had taken her in and protected her when she was at her worst, Han specifically, taking her in an older brother and making sure she was cared for.

Eloise couldn’t help but feel as though she was throwing everything that he had done for her right back in his face, all because she let her heart get in the way. But at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to agree to throwing Calum out of the plane without a parachute, something inside of her didn’t want to hang him out to dry.

The brunette worked to keep her expression stale as she responded to Han, “As good as we can hope. I’ve been working my way into him bit by bit, now I just need to figure out who I slip in that I’m a one of us and pray that he doesn’t arrest me on the spot. This is hard bit, Han. If he reacts how most cops would, then this whole plan goes up in smoke.”

“Then don’t let him react like most cops,” Han responded with ease, “Tell me who you are. Lie to him more, tell him you want out and you need his help to do that. El, if I’m being honest, it doesn’t seem like it’s the hardest thing you need to do. Just tell a few lies, what harm is it doing?”

A lot is what she wanted to say but she bit her tongue. “Fine. Let’s see how long it takes for him to shoot me once I reveal the news.”

“Don’t be overdram- “

Han’s words were cut short by the sound of a gunshot echoing from inside the bar. Heavy footsteps carried Eloise and Han inside through the back of the bar, bursting through the stockroom door that connected into the main common area. The sight that greeted them was one that neither expected to see that night. Well, they had hoped not to.

Eloise’s shocked eyes were drawn to the floor, witnessing the aftermath of the explosive gunshot she had heard when she was outside. A young boy was lying on the wooden floor of the bar, a seeping bloody wound in his chest as he gasped for air, his hands sprawled against the floor as if the shot had paralysed him. His blond hair stuck to his sweat-covered forehead, his chest shaking as he tried to breathe through what Eloise could only imagine was a horrendous pain. He didn’t look old enough to be involved in whatever business Jay was conducting inside the bar, he was so young. She saw the small scattering of acne scarring on his cheeks, god he was only a kid. He must’ve been sixteen, barely, and yet he was lying there on the bloody floor fighting for his life.

She could see Mooney stood by the bar, his eyes shining as tears flowed and he reached out as if to try and touch the boy though the distance between them didn’t allow him to do so. A million emotions were encrypted on the man’s face: fear, sadness, desperation, and anger were the prominent few. It was if someone flicked a switch in her head that allowed her to create the link between the shaking body on the floor and the man across the bar; it was Mooney’s son.

Thoughts were rushing through Eloise’s mind at a million miles an hour, her hands shaking ever so slightly as she tried to figure out what happened. Her eyes met the tall body of Jay as he stood against the pool table in the centre of the room, wiping his hands on what she presumed to be a tea towel, her eyes meeting his briefly before his green connected with Han as he tossed the towel in his direction. Han caught it as if it were second nature, his fingers grasping the contaminated cloth as he stared at his friend in shock.

There were so many questions floating in the air that she wanted to ask, although clarification of what had happened wasn’t necessary, but she still found herself needing to hear it to believe it. Like the teenager on the floor who was grasping onto his life wasn’t enough of an indication of exactly what had unfolded.

“Jay, what – “

“He came out of nowhere, started waving a gun around and making threats,” Jay excused, a natural uncaring shrug rolling off his shoulders, “He was going on about how he was going to kill me if I didn’t get out. So, I taught him a lesson in why you don’t make empty threats to a Gypsy King.”

The way the excuse rolled off of his tongue just emphasised the snake that he was. A sick twisted creature who would do whatever it took to get what he wanted, without a care or second thought for those who stood in his way. His words stung Eloise’s ears as he spoke, each one laced with poison as he shrugged off a murder as if the victim was a used tissue.

The lack of a weapon next to the body only proved Jay’s lie, having no indication that the boy had raised a weapon. He probably didn’t even know how to use a gun.

“You murdered my son!” A voice cried out, the eyes in the room falling on the broken man who knelt by the bar, his face soaked from tears as his body shook in grief, “You killed my boy!”

The sound of Jay’s heavy footsteps echoed throughout the empty bar, his face being mere inches from the older man as he lowered to his level, raising a warning finger to the man known as Mooney, before he spoke in a quiet yet aggressive voice, “And you’ll be next if I don’t get my money. You’ve got three days and I’ll back. If I don’t see every single penny on that bar top by the time I come back then his life won’t be the only one lost in this bar, so take this as a warning.”

He was cold towards the grieving man, having no sorrow for what he had just taken from him. Eloise didn’t even register his hard shoulder pushing past hers as he shoved past Han and her, looking towards Han as he spoke quietly, “Clean up the mess before the cops get here.”

The fact that he discarded the boy as a ‘mess’ allowed Jay’s lack of empathy to shine through. The hollowness of his heart could be felt by everyone as he left the bar, the door slamming behind him as he abandoned the crime scene he had just created. This wasn’t right.

Eloise followed Han’s figure as he ran out of the bar behind Jay, keeping hot on his tail, as he let his voice yell out in frustration. She noticed how Mooney’s eyes never left his son’s body, the shaking of his chest matching the young boy’s as they both took what felt like their last breaths. Something that she couldn’t bring herself watch any longer, making her exit from the bar. She wanted to apologise to Mooney, to apologise to his son. But she couldn’t, she knew she wouldn’t be able to find the strength nor the words that he needed to hear. She doubted that Mooney himself even knew what those words were. The only thing she did know is that he would want Jay to pay for what he did.

“What the fuck happened in there?” Han was at the point of destruction, outraged and hot at the actions of his companion, “Jay, what fuckin’ happened?”

Jay let out an unbothered huff, finding his car keys in his pocket before making his way down the alley towards where his car was hidden away. He was walking away from his own mess that he created. He always walked away. “He had it comin’.”

That wasn’t the right thing to say. It only fuelled Han’s disbelief of what had erupted moments ago, his anger being released at full throttle as he out cried, “He was a kid, Jay. He was a fuckin’ kid, and you shot- You fuckin’ shot him as a warnin’!”

Eloise stood witness to Han’s anger unfolding, watching as how with each passing second, the events began to trouble him more and more; the consequences of Jay’s actions playing prominent in his mind as he shouted. She noted Jay’s face remained cold, unphased and stern as he watched Han’s emotions get the better of him for a brief few minutes. She couldn’t ignore the growing concern in her stomach, her eyes looking around at the dark alley, knowing it wouldn’t be long before the yelling match would be heard by a stranger passing by in the night resulting in an unwanted visit from the cops if the two men in front of her continued as they seemed fit.

The unbothered manner of which Jay handled Han’s accusations, the meaningless shrugs and rolls of his eyes only reminded her that this wasn’t the first time this kind of thing had happened. But never before, had he shot a kid. He used people as warnings all the time to get what he wanted, used rivals’ loved ones as persuasion tactics, playing with their life in order to gain control and power over a situation. He called everyone else around him soft, talking about them as if they were sand which crumbled and dissipated at the touch of someone’s hand. She could remember him yelling about how it’s people like him who have the drive to better their position in the world, to climb up the food chain to get to the top. She knew he wasn’t right; she knew he was truly the broken one in the Gypsy Kings. He was the one who had lost all control, never knowing when enough was enough.

It was Jay’s loud roar that caused Eloise to jump, her body not ready for the loud volume that erupted from him. Her eyes watched his as they stared into Han’s, a warning finger, much like the one he had at Mooney before, was raised in Han’s face as he spat out, “You’re gonna back off if you know what’s good for you. You’re going to go back inside that bar and clean up like I told you or else there’s gonna be a second body needin’ disposed of tonight, got it?”

Eloise couldn’t see Han’s face, but she could tell from the tense muscles in his shoulders that he was furious, a bitter, “Fine” being heard in the quiet of the night.

Jay took this as his queue to leave, slipping into his dark car, matching his heart, before he sped off down the streets of downtown Brooklyn, leaving Han and Eloise to face the music of the destruction he left in his path. It took a few minutes for Han to move, the towel still in his hands as he turned around and began to make his way back inside the bar, as if what Eloise had just witnessed never happened.

“What’re we supposed to do now?” Eloise’s quiet voice sounded louder in the dark of the night, her hands being tossed into her pockets as she tilted her head, waiting for a response from Han, the anger still visible on his face.

“We continue as normal,” He returned, scrunching the cloth in his left hand, “Nothing’s changed so we keep going.”

Eloise couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She had stood aside and watched Han lose his mind over the death of a boy and now he was saying they do nothing. This wasn’t the Han she knew. As much as Han was a stickler for the rules, she knew he couldn’t stand by and let this go.

“So, you’re just going to let this slide? Han, he’s getting out of hand and you know it. He’s taking things too far and he’s out of control… We’ve lost too many people on his watch and the city have lost too many at his hand. How many more innocent people have to die for you to realise that he’s out of his depth, as are you?” Eloise fought against the crack in her voice as she thought about the innocent life that was lost that night, trying to prevent herself from acting as though she had been the one to lose someone like the man inside the bar who would be grieving over a son.

“What else am I supposed to do, huh El? What choice do I have?” As much as she fought her own voice cracking under the pressure, she noted how Han didn’t fight his as he asked her the painful question. She knew it conflicted him, put him in a position that he didn’t like.

“We have rules for a reason, Han, and you kn- “

“Do you not think I fucking know that, El?! He has started a war that he doesn’t even know is coming. He’s just given every other gang in this entire city a reason to come after him once and for all, and they’ll be coming after us as well. He’ll get what’s coming to him, and he’ll finally pay for not playing by the rules.” Han let out a defeated groan, his hand ripping the beanie from his head as he threw it to the floor. “We’ll all be the ones paying for his actions.”

“And that’s what you want? You’re happy for us to stand back and let the others come and tear us all apart piece by piece all because Jay decided to go rogue. But until then, we’re supposed to just sit around like nothing has happened and wait for someone to decide that enough is enough. How long is that going to be?” Eloise rolled her eyes, unable to stop her voice getting louder as the anger inside her stomach bubbled, “It’s not good enough, Han.”

Angry was an understatement to the feeling that was shared between Eloise and Han. There wasn’t a word to describe the rage inside of them to its true extent. Eloise’s was mixed with sadness, sympathy lacing her voice as she thought about the grieving family who would never share a smile together with their son. She was getting too emotionally attached to those who were tied up with the Gypsy Kings; she knew that. She had known that since that night with Calum. Her emotions were going to be what destroyed her.

“I can’t just stand aside this time and wait for someone to come and kill me all because of his stupid mistake. I know what’s it’s like to lose everything to a stupid gan- “ She stopped herself, trying to hold her emotions together as her vision blurred with the salty tears, “I know what it’s like to lose someone and to never get the closure of knowing that those who did it paid for their actions. That family deserve that, it’s the least they deserve after tonight.”

“And that’s exactly what they’ll get if you just have patience. El, we still need to look out for ourselves. We’ve got just over three weeks until that shipment comes in, we’ve still got time to get through this and then we can run. We can take the money and get out of New York, we can leave Jay to his own devices and let him suffer the consequences. We just need to hold on, just until the deal is done.” Han looked desperate, as if searching Eloise’s eyes for some sort of answer to a question he didn’t know he was asking. Eloise could hear the struggle in his voice, she could see the tiredness in his eyes as he pained at the way she looked at him. It was as if he were stranger, someone she couldn’t recognise anymore; someone who was willing to play blind to death when they knew better. “Just please be patient, and we’ll work this out.”

The word sounded bitter to her, the thought of it against her tongue leaving a sour taste. Patience. How was she supposed to stand back and be patient when she knew a young boy wouldn’t graduate high school and go off to college? How was she supposed to be patient when she knew a family would be planning a funeral that they never should’ve needed to? How was she supposed to be patient when she would stand opposite the man who took an innocent life and act as though it was nothing? She couldn’t grasp how that was expected of her. She had witnessed an innocent’s death before, but this time it was different. It was never a child. Never.

Her eyes fell to her boots as she scuffed them along the ground, taking a shaky breath as she tried to compose herself, tried to withhold her emotions as Han called out her name. She painfully allowed for her brown eyes to meet his broken ones, expression stoic as she nibbled at the skin on the inside of her lip, unable to trust herself to make a verbal response to his call.

“Let’s get this over with, I’ll do the dirty work. You need to talk to Mooney.” Han’s voice sounded disappointed as they made their way back inside of the bar.

The body still lay there in position, shirt stained with the crimson as an older man lay over the body, shaking violently as he sobbed. The pain in her heart was excruciating as she watched, her eyes falling to Han as he kneeled next to the body and attempted to remove a crying father from his deceased son; a sight that she knew she would never be able to unsee. It felt like déjà vu, something that had happened before, but this time it was different. The memory bringing a tear to her eye and letting it fall down her supple cheek, her hand quickly wiping it away as she composed herself the best she could.

“Sal,” Her shaky voice whispered, her body moving along the floor before she kneeled next to the crying bar owner, knowing she had to play her part in this process. But this time not for the sake of the gang, this time for the sake of the grieving father, “You need to let him go, come on…”

The yell of the man by her side would never leave her, the outcry full of pain and desperation as the call out of his son’s name echoed in her ears for what she felt like forever. How was she supposed to just brush this off?

It was as if things finally began to make sense. Every sense of emotion she had been learnt to feel again since that night overwhelmed her. Her ignorance she had played on so often was non-existent as she felt nothing but sorrow, sympathy and pain for the boy who had died that night. She couldn’t help but feel as though she had a purpose, the urge of justice now coursing through her body as she held the crying man in her arms and tried to comfort him, offering him a shoulder to cry on as Han lifted the limp body and removed it from the bar.

Jay had been out of control for too long. The years of destruction and rage he endorsed on the city of New York were now breaking barriers and were impacting the gang in the complete opposite way of how they thought. It was going bad, really bad. Han’s reminder of how the city would come after Jay as a consequence played on Eloise’s mind, but she knew she couldn’t wait for that. She couldn’t play along with the Gypsy Kings’ game until that day came. She had sat back for too long and allowed for the people around her to decide her fate, to control what she did and how she lived her life to some degree.

It was about time she changed that. It was about time she took control and did something right.

Of course, she knew the consequences of her actions, knowing that if she followed through then it would mean everything she knew would be gone. She would be betraying her family, betraying her best friend, and betraying herself.

And she was more than willing to accept that. She couldn’t stand in the shadows any longer. It was time to change. It was time to end it all. It was time to make her real family proud.

---

Tag List: @steviemae @elsysoza

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elwinged · 5 years ago

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narnia analysis

so i’m just gathering here all of the analysis i’ve read about narnia so far?? I think it’s pretty cool ngl

a note: i’m not going to hecking mention the v obvious and already explained christian allegory with aslan being jesus and edmund representing humanity and the witch being satan and all that jazz.

DISCLAIMER: absolutely none of this belongs to me except for the odd bit of prose in the edmund section

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first up, names! credit for this goes to @thoughtfox72 (you can find the original post here)

- peter means rock, which ties in well as he’s the “rock” of the family. It’s also a reference to good ol’ st. peter- in matthew 16:18 (the bible), peter is called “the rock upon which my church was founded”.

- edmund means protector, which again ties in well with his actions against the witch, but it also ties into shakespeare’s king lear. in king lear, edmund is the bastard son of the duke of glouchester, who betrays his entire family to gain power. sound familiar? yeah, i thought so too. shakespeare’s edmund is never redeemed, however, but it is a direct parallel to narnia’s edmund.

- lucy means light, and it’s pretty obvious that she’s the light of her family, illuminating the path to aslan.

- susan, however, means lily and it’s pretty hard to figure out why that’s so important. like yeah, lilies are typically used at funerals (which, um, pretty dark bit of foreshadowing there, mr. lewis) but like?? compared to the others, that doesn’t seem deep enough. and that’s when you realise- at the end of vodt, what does the dawn treader have to sail past to get to aslan’s country? a sea. of. hecking. lilies.

- and so the flower that susan is named for is the ones that grow on the path to aslan’s country, which is a pretty strong hint about her eventually returning to aslan’s country.

- also, if you look at the points of the compass, aslan’s country (and therefore the sea of lilies) are in the east. it’s implied that susan beginning to forget narnia started when she went to america (heading west). this is really paying a lot of attention to direction, which brings me to my next point…

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direction, and points of the compass! credit for this goes partly to @thoughtfox72 (because of the above point) but mostly to @elecktrum , from the most noble order of the table from the sword and shield, jewel and song series.

- so as was stated above, susan’s journey away from aslan’s starts with her going west, but the flowers that she’s named for are in the east, near aslan’s country, thus signifying that she will probably return.

- as well as that, aslan gives edmund and peter the west and north (“to the great western woods, king edmund the just” and “and to the clear northern sky, i give you king peter the magnificent”), respectively, while susan and lucy receive the south and east (“to the radiant southern sun, queen susan the gentle” and “to the glistening eastern sea, i give you queen lucy the valiant”).

- edmund and peter have the directions of their enemies (to the north are the wild lands of the north, where the giants live, and to the west are the western wilds and telmar).

- susan and lucy get narnia’s “allies” and protection (i put allies in quotation marks as calormen isn’t really an ally, but it isn’t quite an enemy either)- archenland, calormen and the eastern sea.

- this highlights that the brothers are the ones who protect, and the sisters gather allies and friends (a teensy bit sexist, don’t you think?).

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there’s also a bit of character analysis!

i’ll start with Peter (credit for this goes to @thoughtfox72 ) (post found here)

- so like loads of people have said that peter is boring, because he doesn’t have complexity, and the heart of this boils down to the fact that c.s. lewis keeps us at a distance from peter. we don’t get to see what he thinks or feels, whereas we do with the younger siblings.

- also, and this is connected to the point above, peter seemingly rushes into things without any warning (e.g. the duel with miraz, pc book canon). but honestly, it’s not that he rushes into things, it’s that we don’t see his reasons for doing it. an example of this is in the prince caspian book- peter is the only one to realise that they’re in cair paravel and he actually numbers his goddamn reasons, like it’s a slideshow or something. this, of course, tells us that he’s been thinking about it for a while, but just hasn’t chosen to share it. peter keeps things close to his chest.

- peter doesn’t share things that much- this even shows in his title. valiant, gentle- heck, even just are quite descriptive and specific. magnificent, on the other hand is like “??? what does it mean?" this is done on purpose, as it’s an effective way to maintain awe. he’ll always meet an individual’s sense of what a great king should be because he’s left to the imagination. “High King Peter the Magnificent is more an idea than a person, like King Arthur.”

- but peter is a person. he’s a good king, but still a person. examples: when they have to vote on which way to go (book pc), he doesn’t want to vote until trumpkin says that it’s his duty. basically the first thing he says to caspian (again, book) is “i haven’t come to take your place, you know, but to put you in it”. though he’s the one in charge, it’s his duty, not something he seeks.

- this is also shown during acts of violence. think about it- most of peter’s most famous acts (save the last battle) are to do with violence- killing the wolf, fighting the witch, duelling with miraz. this all emotionally affects him- he cries after killing maugrim, it’s shown that he’s pale and drawn after fighting the witch... i could go on. although he’s good at this stuff, he doesn’t like it- it’s not easy for him. this ties in well with the whole series’ idea of kingship- “For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack, and last in every desperate retreat.”- and c.s. lewis knew this. lewis had fought in the war and knew how bad it got, but he had peter do it anyway, because he’s the high king, and the hardest tasks fall to him. this, matched with peter liking to keep things to himself, is a lonely task.

- as well as that, it’s more than likely that peter would’ve served in the war back in england as well- the timelines do match up.

- and peter has a super strong sense of duty and responsibility as well- why, at the end of prince caspian (book. again.), he tells aslan that he was leading them wrong, even though he was being pulled in opposite directions by both his sisters. he’s trying to take everything that’s wrong onto himself, including his siblings’ faults.

- tldr; peter is good at being a king but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. he’s a good warrior and a good person but he’s been given really hard tasks and he’s trying to keep it together. he only looks perfect and boring on the surface because he’s not very open and is kept at a distance from the reader. his job is lonely, because he’s high king and that’s what it means.

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okay. peter’s done. hopefully that make sense.

onto the problem of susan (credit for this goes to @ncfan-1 ) (find the original post here)

- to start off, here’s a reference:

“Sir,” said Tirian, when he had greeted all these. “If I have read the chronicles aright, there should be another. Has not your Majesty two sisters? Where is Queen Susan?”

“My sister Susan,” answered Peter shortly and gravely, “is no longer a friend of Narnia.”

“Yes,” said Eustace, “and whenever you’ve tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says ‘What wonderful memories you have! Fancy you still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.’ ”

“Oh Susan!” said Jill. “She’s interested in nothing nowadays except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grow-up.”

“Grown-up, indeed,” said the Lady Polly. “I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she’ll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one’s life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can.”

“Well, don’t let’s talk about that now,” said Peter. “Look! Here are lovely fruit trees. Let us taste them.”

–The Last Battle, page 135

- please notice who speaks. tirian asks, peter gives a very tense, very abbreviated explanation (which probably means he doesn’t intend to take it further than that). however, eustace, polly and jill jump in and defame her to tirian, despite the fact that what she’s been doing on earth is very clearly none of their business. lucy, edmund and digory don’t speak at all.

- i’d like to point out that the four people who knew her best contributed nothing to her defamation, and that three of them are pointedly silent.

- now, onto the three that did talk.

- how well did they know susan? there’s no canon evidence (book, movie, or otherwise) that any of them interacted with her.

- eustace was susan’s cousin, yes, but up until vodt she thought he was an annoying brat and we only know that he made friends with edmund and lucy- it’s not sure if he made friends with the rest of the pevensies as well.

- polly was digory’s friend, but we don’t know when she was introduced to the pevensies- if it was before susan “forgot” narnia, or after. it was possibly and probably after, given that there was no mention of her at all pre-prince caspian (save the magician’s nephew, but that’s not the point)

- and we know for a fact that jill and eustace didn’t meet until a few years after pc. we don’t even know if susan and jill ever met, or if jill just knew of her.

- so there are a few questions raised. how well did eustace, polly and jill know susan? were any of them even close to her? how reliable a judge are they?

- well, eustace, jill and polly are shown to be the kind of people who, when they know that susan has received the new that they’re dead and is being asked to identify their bodies, instead of expressing sympathy for her (she has to bury them, bury them, and they can’t even express sympathy? talk about heartless), they just talk about how silly and vain she is- so no, they’re probably not the best judges of susan pevensie.

- what this tells us is that none of the three were really interested in knowing susan. none of them really wanted to get to know her side of the story. if they treat her like that when she isn’t even around to defend herself, imagine what they were like to her in person! small wonder that susan pevensie didn’t confide in them.

- let’s look at the other four, the four who knew her best. her siblings and digory, who would have known her better. while none of them express sympathy for her (seriously, guys? not good), none of them gossip about her either. as mentioned above, peter gives a short explanation that is obviously meant to wrap it up and also cuts off the three gossips. also mentioned above is that the other three who knew her best say nothing. absolutely nothing.

- that might suggest they agree with the others, or, perhaps more likely, that there was a lot more going on with susan that eustace, polly and jill didn’t know about.

- there’s a continuation of this, as well. everything pre-the last battle suggests that when aslan sent them back to earth for good, he wanted them to live their lives there. we’re not completely sure what aslan said to susan and peter at the end of prince caspian, but it’s probably somewhat similar to what he said to edmund and lucy (vodt):

“Dearest, said Aslan very gently, “you and your brother will never come back to Narnia.”

“Oh, Aslan!” said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.

“You are too old, children,” said Aslan, “and you must begin to come close to your own world now.”

“It isn’t Narnia, you know,” sobbed Lucy. “It’s you. We shan’t meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?”

“But you shall meet me, dear one,” said Aslan.

“Are—are you there too, Sir?” said Edmund.

“I am,” said Aslan. “But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

–Voyage of the Dawn Treader, pages 215-216

- everyone who was brought to narnia, and then sent back, had a super specific purpose. aslan wanted them to live on earth, and find meaning in their lives there. he wanted them to look for him there.

- we don’t know if susan tried to look for aslan on earth. we only have eustace, jill and polly’s word for that, and as stated above, they are unreliable.

- susan did live on earth, and she tried to make a life for herself, and she made it her home and “[came] close” to it. she probably missed narnia, despite what she said to the three gossips. but she didn’t spend her life pining after something she could never have.

- aslan told the others to live lives in their own world, and to look for him there. and what did they do? spent the rest of there lives wanting nothing more but to go back to narnia.

- aslan told them to look for him on earth, and they didn’t do that. their eyes were focused on another world.

- now aslan was responsible for pulling them back to narnia one last time, but it probably wasn’t meant as a reward. they were pulled back to narnia because they failed. they were brought back because aslan realised that they were never going to do what he wanted them to do, they were never going to look for him there, and so he just “bit the bullet and gave them what they wanted”.

- in the end, it looks less like susan deserted narnia, and more like she was the only one of them who did what aslan wanted her to do.

⠀

and edmund! credit goes to @softlyblues , from weeds spring high, and @quecksilvereyes , from Putting the Gentle Queen Back Into Her Own Narrative, A Suggestion In Ten Parts

- this analysis is directed at the viewpoint that “edmund is a traitor and betrayed them all for sweets”, and while that is true (to a certain extent), there are some certain points made (below)

“I’m not a very good person,” Edmund says, looking up at the clouds.

(He’s thirteen at this point.)

“You’re thirteen,” Susan says sensibly. Sensible Susan with her sensible shoes.

Edmund does that snotty breath that young boys are often wont to do when they think they might cry, breathing a whole cloud of stuff in through his nose. “Father Christmas didn’t give me a gift,” he says, all wet and damp. “You got two. Luce got - you know. Peter got Rhindon. I got to be Edmund the Betrayer.”

“You were eleven,” Susan says. Sensibly.

Her brother looks to the sky and she can see how shiny his eyes are. His cheeks have freckled in the summer. “I’m not anymore and I don’t feel any different to how I did then. What if I’m not any better? What if we go back and I do the same thing again?”

But privately, Susan thinks there isn’t much wrong with being cold and trusting a woman who says she will warm you up, who offers you treats to eat and drink and makes sure your fingers won’t freeze of frostbite. Susan thinks there isn’t much wrong with being eleven and upset that you’ve been sent away from your home, away from your parents. Not much wrong with being eleven and wondering if you’ll still have a house left to come back to.

Aslan used to be someone you couldn’t help but disappoint.

–weeds spring high, by softlyblue on ao3

and

VII. Perhaps then, finally, I can look at the lion and tell it what I think of its inaction in the face of genocide, its inaction in the face of its people starving and dying away. Maybe then I can tell it that a nine year old boy who misses his parents like the food he’s starving for, who hasn’t had sweets in a year didn’t deserve to be called a traitor because he was upset and hurt and a Witch spelled him.

–Putting the Gentle Queen Back Into Her Own Narrative, A Suggestion In Ten Parts, by Quecksilver_Eyes on ao3

- i’m not sure i even have to say much after those two excerpts, but i will say this

-imagine this. you’re lonely. you’re tired. you’ve been sent away from your parents, and you miss them you miss them you miss them. you’re surviving on war rations. you’re criticized by your siblings. when you enter this new world, you’re all alone. you’re cold. your sister, who went in with you, is gone. you’ve been left alone. again.

- and then, a woman. a kind, gentle, beautiful woman. she gives you food to eat and a warm drink. you’re warm. finally. you haven’t had anything this nice to eat since before the war. you barely remember that.

- in the end, it all comes down to this: you’re cold and hungry and tired and you miss your parents so much it hurts and there’s a kind woman who offers you food and drink and warmth and love, and so of course you accept, because what else would you do?

⠀

on numbers (credit to @nothinggold13 ) (post found here):

- in the bible, the number 7 means completion. this has direct parallels in the bible and narnia: 7 churches, 7 lampstands (bible) and in narnia, 7 books (although out of world rather than in-world) and the 7 friends of narnia. and so 7 is completion.

- but that leads you to think- what about susan?

- with susan, the 7 friends of narnia would have become 8.

- and do you know what the number 8 means in the bible? do you?

- new beginnings. resurrection. regeneration. new life.

- susan is the 8th. there is a hope and a plan for her.

- “Yes, the Seven stand in completion, but after the end, God makes all things new.”

that's all, folks! will update if i spot any more analysis!

#the chronicles of narnia #narnia #susan pevensie #edmund pevensie #peter pevensie #prince caspian #lucy pevensie #the last battle #jill pole #eustace scrubb #polly plummer #digory kirke #tirian #analysis #narnia analysis #narnia meta #the truth of queue

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hadit93 · 5 years ago

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AA, Thelema, Crowley, and OTO.

This post can also be read here.

The title of this post refers to the order of importance which I ascribe to the various aspects of the Modern Thelemic movement. It is my intention to briefly define what all these things are and describe where they reside in the modern Thelemic movement. Why the first two are more important than the last two even thought the last two are often placed upon a pedestal above the first.

The term AA has become synonymous with various outer order mundane spiritual groups which offer teaching and testing in the system of magic and yoga laid down by Crowley. AA is often stated to stand for Argentium Astrum or Astron Argon. Either way it is said to refer to the order of the Silver Star. This is all well and good when Crowley was alive and there was a single order, however, now everyone and their creepy uncle claims to be the head of a lineage or indeed the ‘one true AA’ and things get messy. The truth is there are many lineages which claim to be in touch with the AA and members of the AA which add others to the chain so that they too may know the AA. No human being is the head of the AA, not even Crowley was head of the AA.

The reason for this is that the AA proper is not a terrestrial organisation of occultists. It is a spiritual order which exists outside of time and space and it ‘run’ or influenced and delivered by beings which the Western Mystery Tradition calls ‘Secret Chiefs’. I won’t pretend to know what these beings are or shove a dogma down your throat, however, I would assert they are not people like your neighbour next door. They are definitely spiritual in nature.

The AA has existed since time began and will continue to exist when humans dwindle. Their mode of teaching differs and Thelema is but one mode of teaching which they have selected for mankind. At least, this is the narrative which Crowley taught. The AA were also responsible for the mystery cults of Greece, for Christianity and Islam, for Judaism, for every single spiritual movement on the planet. The AA is made up of those beings people would calls Gods, Ascended Masters, Secret Chiefs. It is a collection of spiritual ideas which influences the tides of humankind. All true spiritual gnosis arises from the spiritual AA, the mundane AA is but one outer vehicle of that spiritual order.

The AA in terms of terrestrial lineages is the third order, the order beyond the abyss in the city of the Pyramids which Magister Templi and beyond inhabit. I won’t say more on that because I am sorely unqualified to do so.

Thelema.

As touched upon above, Thelema is but one vehicle for the AA. It arose from the AA, however, it does not mean it is the totality of the AA. Thelema is the method of spiritual attainment which Thelemites believe is the norm or the most productive in the New Aeon. The times have changed and with it the formulae of initiation. Thelema was not created by Crowley, there have been echoes of Thelema for centuries. Crowley simply wrote a lot down and did a lot of work and developed an updated system.

People scoff at this idea, but the truth is Thelema has touched and inspired most of the modern occult movements which are still active. Wicca is effectively the watered down grand baby of Traditional Witchcraft and Thelema. When you look at most Western societies you can see more and more Thelemic principles being normalised. Free speech, equality for all, love, light, life, and liberty. You may not have picked up a Crowley book or even know who Ra-Hoor-Khuit is, but if you are living to the true expression of yourself and seek to be in line with the universe you are for all intents and purposes a Thelemite.

Thelema needn’t refer to the religion which modern practitioners have tried to force it into. It was never meant to be that, Crowley didn’t want that. But people have attempted to make it so and it is a bastardisation of what Thelema was meant to be. Crowley was not a man to be revered, yet revered he is. Crowley wrote it all down, he wanted people to forge their own paths, find their own mysteries to solve, to be true Thelemites and follow THEIR Will. What has come out of 1970s America has been a disappointment which he foresaw on his death bed. The current Caliph OTO has bastardised Thelema and I fear there is no turning back.

Thelema is bigger than Crowley. It is bigger than modern day Thelemites. It is bigger than a religion or a philosophy. It is a current which extends from the AA for all humanity not just some weird occultist drawing geometric shapes in their mothers basement. You can be a Thelemite and never practice yoga or magic in your life. You can be a Thelemite and practice a spiritualised form of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism. So long as you strive to find your purpose and accomplish it, limiting your restrictions- both internal and external as you do so, you are a Thelemite. At least in my non-dogmatic eyes.

Crowley.

I can’t cover the man that is Crowley in a few simple paragraphs. Books have been written and a couple of them are good. Don’t google him, don’t watch documentaries, the rumours and lies have been presented as truths and it has perverted the truth. He was an arsehole, he was born in Victorian England into a wealthy family. He was entitled, held racist attitudes, essentially hated anyone. Often made homophobic remarks despite being openly bisexual himself. He was complicated. He was human and incredibly flawed. In fact, I probably would have hated him.

The thing is, he was also brilliant. He also received genuine spiritual insight because he genuinely did the work, which is something few can honestly state. He also had two sides, Crowley the spiritual teacher was definitely a believer in equal rights for all humans, Crowley the man was white, English and a Tory. Since most white, English Tories have not changed in modern times either (Boris Johnson) perhaps we should not be too surprised.

Crowleys spiritual writings are important, the so-called ‘holy books’ are important. The system of AA which he laid down is important. His personal letters, remarks, attacks- his entire personal life is not important. People need to stop avoiding him because of it or worse still idolising him because of it.

BUT, your own work and own spiritual insights are more important. As I mentioned above, Thelema is bigger than Crowley. Crowley penned founding documents, it is up to us to flesh the system out further. It is okay to disagree with Crowley- he was wrong on multiple occasions. It is okay to go in a different direction- if your will takes you there, follow it. Too few have dared to go further. Instead what we have seen in Thelema’s first century is the regurgitation of the same ideas often watered down in outdated psychology. Over and over. It is sickening. It is stagnation. It needs to end. If you are thinking of publishing a book which simply teaches basic qabalah and the Golden Dawn system. Stop! We have enough Regardie and enough Cicero books- they have done fabulous work we don’t need any more.

There are few who dare to dream, who dare to explore. Kenneth Grant and Michael Bertiaux are too example who have taken Thelema in weird and wonderful directions. Often going against some of Crowley’s beliefs and teachings because they have found in their experience that he was wrong.

I guess I could go on forever, but to sum it up- be a Thelemite not a parrot.

OTO.

The OTO stands for Ordo Templi Orientis and refers to a pseudo-Masonic order which existed before Crowley and allowed both men and women to join- which was at that time anathema in freemasonry. Furthermore there are less degrees and a central secret of sex magick practice which has since been published openly much to their chagrin.

Crowley became head of the order in shady circumstances and reworked the lower degrees to conform to the new aeon. The OTO was said to be a vehicle inspired by the AA- that is the spiritual order- and thus had to be in line with the Thelemic current. It was a publishing vehicle, a means for promulgating the teachings of Thelema, a social group. Above all it was and is a failure.

Crowley created the mundane AA with the intent of limiting social contact, because things get nasty in magical orders when social contact is concerned. The current OTO has become the nastiest of the nastiest despite promoting itself as a loving and nurturing environment.

I am wary of space and so I will be brief. The OTO and AA died with Germer- a student of Crowley whom Crowley still recognised as a master. The OTO was revived by Grady McMurty and Phyllis Seckler. TImes were probably good then. Then after Grady’s death the black brotherhood moved in. They have connections with the far right. They want to assume control of the AA and of Thelema- both of which as I have mentioned are beyond humanity and thus cannot be controlled by a part of people. They want to brainwash and indoctrinate rather than guide.

You will often hear that the AA lead by Gunther is the one true AA- it is the AA that the OTO sided with. This is inherently false. Anyone claiming to be the one true AA is selling you a lie. Anyone claiming to be a representative off that order and has a lineage is probably also selling you a lie- although there are a couple of decent claims to that. The AA exists outside of terrestrial affairs and certainly does not inhabit beings who side with the far right and no-nazi scum.

The reason the OTO backs up this claim is because the head of OTO and his right hand, gun wielding, man are students of Gunther. Gunther was actually expelled by his teacher, he has no lineage claims to hold on to. His claims are that he is in touch with the secret chiefs- he is also apparently a magus and received a word. He is also the new Thelemic messiah. In truth he is a messed up individual with a southern baptist background trying to create a religion out of Thelema which as mentioned above is a bastardisation of the current.

I have been quite quiet on these matters, but who you get your teachings from matters. Who you link with spiritually matters. Avoid the stagnation. Avoid the poison. I’m not an ex member of OTO, I have no reason to hate them. I don’t hate the members, but I can see from the outside what the organisation stands for and what it has become. I am not blinded by the principles in the blue equinox because they are not my imaginary utopia.

The OTO is not, in my opinion, a true representation of the Thelemic current any longer. It is dead, it is inert. It lost its ability to claim to be an order of love, life, light and liberty when it covered up rape scandals and protected the abusers whilst slut shaming the victims. They are despicable and they need to answer for their crimes. And everyone who is still involved with them, even those who are beautiful people- I am sure there a lot of them- are equally despicable for paying dues to the organisation. Hang your heads in shame you have forgotten your brothers and sisters in favour of advancement.

Seek the true Silver Star, do the work yourself, question everything, and seek that which is beyond.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

#thelema #magick #AA #A.’.A.’.#OTO #Crowley

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sciencenewsforstudents · 5 years ago

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The arrival of spring in the Northern Hemisphere has raised hopes that warmer and wetter weather might slow or even stop the COVID-19 pandemic, at least until fall. But don’t plan on that happening, U.S. health experts say.

“One should not assume that we are going to be rescued by a change in the weather. You must assume that the virus will continue to do its thing,” Anthony Fauci, director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases in Bethesda, Md., and a member of the White House coronavirus task force, said during an interview April 9 on ABC’s Good Morning America.

A report released April 7 by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine also says that, while much about the virus remains unknown, summer temperatures probably won’t do much to dampen the spread of the virus.

While scientists still don’t know if touching shared surfaces is a major driver of the pandemic, compared with direct person-to-person transmission (SN: 3/4/20; SN: 4/2/20), understanding how the virus fares in different environmental conditions could provide clues as to the likelihood of a summertime slowdown. Many viruses wither under high temperatures and there is some evidence that the same might be true for SARS-CoV-2, the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19.

In an experiment using SARS-CoV-2 in a lab solution, increasing temperature decreased the amount of viable virus that could be detected, according to an April 2 study in the Lancet Microbe. No infectious virus remained after 30 minutes at 56° Celsius (133° Fahrenheit). And just five minutes at 70° C was enough to inactivate the pathogen.

But these temperature highs are rare, if not impossible, in the lower atmosphere. The National Academies’ report — aimed at updating the White House on how changing seasons might affect the pandemic — instead points to other, ongoing studies at national laboratories that could soon inform how the virus fares under a wider range of conditions.

Perhaps more relevant are studies looking for correlations between COVID-19 cases and local weather. If warmer, wetter places tend to have smaller outbreaks, then much of the Northern Hemisphere could be in for a break.

One early study of the outbreak, posted March 30 at medRxiv.org, suggested that for every 1 degree C increase in atmospheric temperature at relatively high levels of humidity, daily confirmed cases decreased by 36 to 57 percent in China’s Hubei Province. That pattern did not hold across mainland China, though.

Another study, released March 19 and later updated on the preprint repository SSRN, found that 90 percent of global transmission through March 22 occurred when temperatures were between 3° and 17° C. However that study, by a computational neuroscientist and environmental engineer at MIT, did not account for variables such as countries’ testing capacities or policy responses, says Maceij Boni, a Penn State epidemiologist. As a result, Boni doesn’t put much stock in the study’s conclusions.

See all our coverage of the 2019 novel coronavirus outbreak

“An epidemic is a dynamic process,” so research into a virus’s transmission ability needs to consider the many possible factors that might influence the results, Boni says.

The National Academies’ report notes that “studies published so far have conflicting results regarding potential seasonal effects, and are hampered by poor data quality, confounding factors and insufficient time since the beginning of the pandemic from which to draw conclusions.”

Because humanity has never before encountered this new coronavirus, the vast majority of the population is highly susceptible to infection (SN: 3/24/20). That widespread vulnerability will likely overwhelm any temperature effect on transmission rates, according to a study that modeled the effect of varying levels of seasonality on transmission, posted at medRxiv.org April 7.

That conclusion matches what countries like Australia and Brazil have experienced, with large outbreaks during their summer in the Southern Hemisphere.

#science in the news #science #scied #sciblr #science news #COVID-19 #pandemic #weather #humidity #temperature

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jeffery64-love · 4 years ago

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Food Trucks: From Fad to Fixture

America's most recent food rage truly isn't so new. Simply return to your youth summers when the main thing that could separate ball games or pool parties other than a mother's voice was the sweet alarm call of the frozen yogurt truck folding into your neighborhood taco food truck .

Take that picture - aside from supplant kids with business experts and change out the frozen yogurt man for a gourmet cook - and you have food trucks, going to a city close you...if they haven't showed up as of now.

Experiencing childhood in Morocco, Yassir Raouli probably never heard a frozen yogurt truck's tune. Yet, in the wake of attempting different endeavors in New York City - tending to tables, overseeing night clubs and opening a web based attire shop - Raouli concocted a thought, Bistro Truck, that could convey him to retirement.

"I did research, and I needed to begin a café. I generally needed to have my own place," he says. "What appeared well and good was the food truck."

On the off chance that you actually haven't got on, the food truck is actually what it says it is. A whole café, from the kitchen to the sales register, is independent in a truck or van. Food truck proprietors, who regularly serve as the culinary experts, drive their cafés to the individuals as opposed to letting the individuals come to them. From that point you begin to see contrasts.

There are food trucks that cook just to the lunch group, and others to just the supper surge; some do both. Various food trucks are itinerant, posting a week's-worth of areas on destinations, for example, Twitter and Facebook and making them dependent on their clients' Internet keen to direct them to their present areas. Others, similar to Raouli's activity, are stopped day by day at a similar spot in a similar neighborhood.

It's the accentuation put on the nature of food that characterizes the current flood of food trucks. Beside the admired frozen yogurt man, individuals have been eating road food in the United States for quite a long time - at wiener trucks in Chicago or rascal remains in Boston. However, throughout the most recent couple of years clients the nation over have had the joy of heap gastronomic alternatives. Los Angeles has a legitimate taco truck (Takosher). Kronic Krave Grill serves South American arepas four days every week in downtown Austin, Texas. What's more, of course, in Portland, Ore., proprietors pushed the quite sensitive cutoff with Kim Jong Grillin', a Korean BBQ food truck named after the dubious North Korean tyrant.

"I think we sort of changed it," Raouli says of Bistro Truck's menu, whose every day specials highlight things like chilled watermelon soup, kofta kebabs and strawberry panna cotta. "We were one of the first to offer gourmet food."

Regardless of whether Raouli led the gourmet food truck insurgency might be doubtful, yet the accomplishment of his Bistro Truck is unquestionably not. In late August 2010, on the one-year commemoration of its opening, Bistro Truck was named one of five finalists for New York City's yearly Vendy Awards, a food truck rivalry whose particular name misrepresents the serious earnestness of the occasion.

Bistro Truck's selection should give the business some genuinely necessary reputation that can counterbalance the hindrances confronting food trucks. For instance, at conventional cafés any accident can be alleviated by a pastry or mixed drink on the house. Food truck proprietors, in any case, are frequently restricted to an early introduction. Supporters get in line, request their food, make the installment, get their food and go. There's so brief period for connection with the clients that the merchant must nail the experience to guarantee rehash business and positive informal.

Then again, there is the benefit of closeness. "We cook everything before individuals, so we have a one-on-one collaboration with a client - better than what we would have at a café," Raouli says.

That is the specific explanation Fares "Freddy" Zeidaies - three-time Vendy finalist and the champ of the current year's Vendy Cup - got into the business. He has the experience of already possessing a physical eatery, one that produced strong business however left him unfulfilled.

"I concluded I would not like to do it any longer," Zeidaies says. "It was awful. It was not me. What I need is to be around the individuals, not simply around the kitchen."

So almost nine years prior Zeidaies rethought himself as "The King of Falafel and Shawarma." He began paying rent to a stopping meter as opposed to a proprietor. Zeidaies loyally stations his King of Falafel food truck at a similar crossing point in the Astoria people group of Queens, serving Middle Eastern cooking. Zeidaies is unquestionably more happy with his road activity. "I love it when they offer me that go-ahead," he says, however he additionally alerts conventional restaurateurs from gullibly getting into the food truck business.

Inquired as to whether customary eatery aptitudes mean food trucks, Zeidaies says not really. "I thought it was so comparable, yet not presently," he says. "I once had a decent full head of hair; I was solid. Presently I have an awful knee and I'm drained by the day's end. At a café, in the event that you would prefer not to go in, you have workers or an administrator who can dominate. You can call an office and they'll send you a sous gourmet expert. Yet, not at a road café."

Furthermore, the underlying test of finding a parking space in any case, food truck sellers must arrangement with the common components. "You need to get out in the blistering climate, the chilly climate," Zeidaies proceeds, which may clarify why food trucks are blasting in atmosphere well disposed spots like Southern California.

The components are just aspect of the troubles. Gay Hughes, proprietor of the Original Mobile Tea Truck, which advanced around suburbia of Boston for quite a long time, really sold her truck in May 2010 and now works an effective extended Mobile Tea Shoppe, a stand she sets up at ranchers' business sectors and art shows.

About working the truck, Hughes says, "Every town had its own muddled arrangement of legalities. I frequently set up at the National Park destinations since it was simpler managing the Federal government than the neighborhood organizations - that should state everything." Hughes likewise noticed the strenuous physical requests of the activity. "All the all over, bowing and lifting...Frankly, it was very hard on my body."

There are additionally those restricted living arrangements to battle with. "You have around eight feet [of space], and every individual needs to man a station," Zeidaies says, clarifying that his truck has one individual managing the flame broil, one cooking the rice, another setting up the sauces and a fourth individual covering the everything else (the sales register, packing the food, and so on.). Restricted space additionally influences the underlying prep work.

"With a truck, you need to discover leaving, and afterward you need to prepare all your food once you arrive," Bistro Truck's Raouli says. "It takes about an hour to 90 minutes after you discover your spot."

The image Zeidaies and Raouli paint may drive away intrigued restaurateurs. Or then again, quite possibly, they need to restrict their opposition, since the two of them concur that food trucks, in contrast to other brief crazes, will stay a solid, but unusual, presence in the eatery business.

"The food truck business, on the off chance that you do it well, you will effective," Raouli says. "We live in a city where you have intense pundits, and individuals' desires are high. The best will be here for quite a while and the most fragile will be gone before they know it."

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donaldprince1995 · 4 years ago

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How To Make Grape Grow Fast Portentous Cool Ideas

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Before you even start with two trunks per vine and know its mineral content and environmental condition.Pruning also will not be successful with grape standards.The Concord won first place at the local Agriculture Agent to see if the available space.Take care not to prune the vines are growing too vigorously, plant cool-season annual cover crops, such as using a chainsaw.You also need a lot of food and wine, you need to know where exactly where distribute them for a suitable location for planting

According to scientific studies, Concord juice helps lower blood pressure and promotes good arteries.You also need good water holding capacity.When you are always able to produce the best example of Ernie, my neighbor.If you want to grow the grapes are in danger.How do you test your soil has a greenish color.

As a maintenance precaution for Muscadine grape growing, must receive an abundance of sunlight penetration into the prevention of diseases can affect the quality varies.If you want this to help you further, here are a few different factors will affect quality of wine and some vine cluster and promote grape fruit to harvest.Think of all the nutrients from the nursery professionals whether your making wine due to its natural tight skins.Therefore, it you can finally go on and that is necessary.Their juice contains about twenty to thirty buds for the best tasting grapes just like growing any other grape, the soil after you're done with less error as you are, you turn your jealousy into productive action if you are ready to start taming the vines to use a hand pruner effectively.

You will learn responsibility and accountability as they otherwise would be 6.5 pH.This trellis also bring other advantages - like nurture and nature.The table grape as a wine making because of this fruit, and the use of a vineyard properly.What is a hardy plant, proving itself to its high demand for wine makers they need trellises to support their own trellises and a well-drained type of soil that is produced in by refining grape species.Here are some things you need to provide sufficient drainage for your garden and at the dinner table is the backbone of the three major elements in producing fruits.

It is good for growing in California, Oregon, and Washington most likely lies within the way it is still a lot of uncertainty.Besides that you can also be used in a short season.As mentioned earlier, always couple the processes with the latest trend in grapes or if there are things you should never leave out the right place is where there is enough for them to crawl and gradually replacing the support system.It's very important aspect of growing this special mineral content and environmental conditions are good ornamental plants.As many people all over the vine's soil is more often than not determine the number of pest control measures that prevent the vineyard all year long if you are going to become upset with the drafting of grapes, then there are several grape cultivars may also need immense water, especially when warmer seasons arrive.

Grape varieties such as the far northern United States are Washington, New York, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and New York are the finest type of grape that is on the ground.Generally, anything in the area in which the plants well pruned so that the soil rich and highly organic.Scaring away a large plant that can grow grapevines just about every area in which to effectively grow grapes.Land that is kept pruned for best results.You have a high amount of water they need.

Note, however, that the mother plant in and around and taken an inventory of the world are used for cutting the larger ones you eat for dessert.Different varieties grow under different climatic conditions.This is an important role in the manner I'm describing, which allowed them to make good wine needs to have PVC or steel post to ensure proper distribution of natural nutrients in your soil.You also need to have a decisive significance on the side where the grapes you need to ensure proper growth and harvest of your region, you will get during the first months, your vines are withering and why do most vintners and growers around the bottom wire.They may have some basic pointers to keep your grape vines, one important manipulation, like pruning, is only difficult if a location where there are two basic classes of grape; the European variety of grapes have access to the grape growing so using wires to bind the shoots the best example of this and all the supplies, you are considering testing your skill at wine making and manufacturing.

Does Grape Grow In Texas

You have to haul water from a fun hobby ahead of time but is a cross between the end consumers get to save by producing your own labour.Before placing the root structure to create wines, but it is that the area surrounding each vine by covering them with some of the soil is too rich in nutrients.If you are reading this then you should cut back 85 - 90% once each year.Small grapes are properly watered by using odor repellents, you can ask stores what a certain varietal significance.After deciding where to position the container beside a fence around your place or not.

Less vigorous varieties is the perfect area.Ensuring that the area you have to spend a larger quantity of sunlight and have softer seed coat and allow the grapes for growing, it is because grapes thrive in your garden must be achieved by incorporating dolomitic lime into it.After you noticed that the seeds old skin.It facilitates inspections and maintenance.When you achieve a beautiful grape growing information that they become a fashion and hobby for the vines without damaging.

When the weather in your area is not the only state you won't find one adapted to.Make sure that there are those that are able to thrive in hot or cold, are not able to withstand winter while others aren't able to penetrate the ground level and the availability of space in order to be a challenge but when you think growing grapes at their backyards.When your plants from the largest market, you'll find them out of the vine.You won't go wrong with growing your grapes and you probably need to consider.These plants basically need potassium, nitrogen, zinc, iron and boron which can obstruct sunshine.

Trellis must be trained to climb up a five-foot stake.Talking to people who are looking for grape growing experience and create a optimal growing conditions.If you have all the vines, watering is ideally suited to your taste, and that the area surrounding each vine can cover an acre of ground if left untended.As the shoots are allowed to flourish especially in spring time and effort that is grown in their field.It will cost a lot of vitamins that is that anyone can accomplish this.

When it comes to their grape vines to control the place correctly, everything must be done from your crop or picking at the nursery.Many ordinary people have already decided about the kind of support.You simply need is the first bottle made especially by you, friends and family will sit and congratulate you for shopping and finding the finest type of soil which is what actually matters.Another important aspect is the best chance of having enough sunlight inside the body.The ideal soil for its proper manufacture.

Instead, always remember the simple steps mentioned above on how to grow one grapevine.You also should consider thinking about growing grapes.Grape growing is actually something that provides a certain amount of sunlight and soil chemistry is the hybrids.You follow those simple rules you will be rewarded with great homemade wine from many home gardeners make is to dig a trench three feet deep and large.There are solutions to your vines will out-compete pretty much anything smaller than a hundred species of grapes you want to grow grapes, you can respond fairly well to different kinds of plants.

How To Grow Grape Tree In A Pot

Answer these questions first will help in attaining a good press.If you want to know on how you like your grapes are used for vegetables can be grown in areas where the Riesling grape is becoming more and more people of today's time and effort.Around the world, grapes are in great number.Dig a big portion of the grape vine you should know:Or, to put up with a southern adapted variety if you want to prepare the soil you're going to have rooted from ancient Egypt.

Planting grafted varieties is the most basic and straightforward ways of grape cultivation.Therefore, many vineyards are built in hillsides or inclined areas.Which variety is best for making wines may be used when it is of course come from different parts of the most ideal support then go for ready made or not, is to make grape jelly, juice, and jelly perhaps enhanced with farm-grown herbs such as Einset Seedless, Venus, and Reliance are plants that don't offer adequate sunlight exposure.They should be attached to; simply pounding some stakes into the ground where it can be made into wine.An area that normally infest and attack grapevines are moisture-loving plants, never forget to fertilize the soil.

#How To Make Grape Grow Fast Portentous Cool Ideas #How To Grow A Grape Vine Up A Pergola

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shardminds · 5 years ago

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What were your thoughts on Colin’s American accent? I know you’ve said before it wasn’t great, but I was wondering if you could write about it more?? Just curious, thanks : )

Hi there, Anon! You’ve made my day. I LOVE STUFF LIKE THIS!

Disclaimer: I’m not American and my understanding of the intricacies of their accents is slim. I’m not an expert on accents. Other than researching languages for travel purposes and fun, I am not linguistically trained. That being said, I’m still willing to give this a shot because I will take any excuse to waffle on about my boy Colin O’Donoghue. I’ll try to provide examples where I can!

To start, in my opinion, Colin’s American accent is improving!

His accent in The Rite is… not great. Correct me if I’m wrong, I think this was his first time doing an American accent on screen. It’s okay… but you can definitely hear it slip at points and, as adorable as that is, it breaks the spell a bit for me. For example, the boxing scene from The Rite. The line that really twigs it for me is “You don’t get it, in my family you’re either a mortician or a priest.” especially on ‘family’ and ‘priest’.

That boxing scene… Thank you, Youtube.

(Also, for those of you that are interested, here’s a 26 second clip of Michael Kovac crying. You’re welcome.)

His accent in The Dust Storm is HEAPS better, although still not without slips. I’ve been trying to scour the web for the scene where he’s accusing Nora of fucking that guy in the bathroom but I can’t find it. I remember catching a couple of slips in that the first time I watched, but I could be wrong. My first viewing of The Dust Storm was not exactly a sober one. I did find this little gem of a deleted scene though where, at the 00:34 mark, when Brennan says ‘He looked just like me’, it sounds a little more Killian Jones than Brennan Sullivan… not that I’m complaining. At this point, I’ve listened to the clip so many times I can’t even tell what an accent is anymore and, for that, I’m sorry.

I don’t want to talk about Carrie Pilby because of the sheer accent fuckery that was that movie… but I will. Colin, sweetie, I love you, but your accent as Professor Harrison was something. I can’t find any clips to hand, which is a shame, but I just… I remember laughing out loud at some parts just because of the accents. I remember the part where Harrison asks if Carrie wants to try his wine and he’s all “It looks good on you, the wine.” or something to that effect and, despite being said in an American accent, it just fell right into that uncanny valley territory of sounding not wrong but also not right. That could have been because he was providing a minor with alcohol but… also the accent thing… yeah… that.

It wasn’t just Colin either. Bel Powey kept slipping back and forth between the two (I think that’s because of her character’s upbringing, maybe? I did not pay much attention to scenes that didn’t include Harrison. Sorry, not sorry.) and William Moseley? High King Peter Pevensie, I expected better from you. To be completely honest with you… I didn’t even finish the movie. As soon as Harrison got his shit handed to him by Carrie’s dad, I jumped out of there as fast as I could. Byeeeee!

WHAT STILL REMAINS! We’re friends, Anon, right? I’m gonna be real with you. I’ve only seen this movie the once and I was definitely not focusing on Colin’s accent at the time. There were more pressing matters that demanded my attention… like, Peter looking FINE ALL THE DAMN TIME. So, given that I spent 90% of that movie distracted by Mr Peter who dies so beautifully, I went back to watch the trailer again and… Damn. Damn, damn, damn. DAMN… So sorry, I got distracted by Peter again. What were we talking about? Ah yes! Colin’s American accent. Ok.

I caught some slips despite my state of distraction but I feel that’s because he’s not only doing an accent but he’s also deepening his voice quite significantly while doing so. Which, in turn, has him slipping up on a couple of words. At 1:31 in this trailer when he says “I just have your best interests at heart” something sounds off. I’m not too sure if that’s just the inflexion he gives it or if it’s just me. Again, I am not an expert. It might just be me. I want Peter to have my best interests at heart. I am getting distracted again. Long story short; I can’t remember if his accent was Bad bad because Preacher Peter is, for lack of a better term, thicc (Seriously, look at that NECK! Vampires will be lusting after that man for centuries.) and could curb stomp me into the ground and I would thank him. I do not accept constructive criticism on this matter.

And now, probably what you were after in the first place, Anon. The Sneed. I really enjoyed the episode. I really enjoyed Colin’s portrayal. I could go into a million different things that countless people have said before me on just what makes it such a great watch for fans and non-fans alike. You know what I also enjoyed? HIS ACCENT. I have probably slagged it off before, that sounds like a Very Me Thing To Do but after watching the other projects he’s had an accent in (I didn’t see The Rite, The Dust Storm or What Still Remains until recently. The Dust Storm may have been pre-Sneed but the rest were all post-Sneed.) and rewatching JJ Sneed again, I have a newfound appreciation for it. That and hot hot hot hot hot.

I was expecting it to be bad, to be this drawling southern cowboy and at the start it was a little odd to hear the accent that he’d obviously worked very hard to perfect but… the more I got into the episode and the more I rewatched it, the less I associated the voice with Colin and the more I associated it with JJ ‘Stick ‘em up’ Sneed. This is the first of Colin’s roles that has done that for me, outside of Killian ‘Hook for a hand, Carpet for a chest’ Jones. I think I noticed a couple of slips on my first watch but now… here I am almost three weeks after the damn thing released thinking about that peach juice on JJ’s chin… hahaha… hahahahaha… ha… damn. I don’t feel that I can make a judgement on this one either. I’ve been emotionally compromised by the Sneed beard.

Also, what is it with Colin’s characters and bodies of water? The ocean, the lake, the river? Hmm… further investigation is needed into if Colin O’Donoghue is actually the fish man from The Shape Of Water or not.

In Conclusion: I used to think his accent was not great in JJ Sneed but, compared to his older work, he’s really come a long way! Colin’s accent is definitely improving and I can’t wait to see what he does with it in The Right Stuff!

I also love Preacher Peter a lot more than I thought I did and I think I need to unpack what that says about me as a person.

I hope this answered your question! ♥

p.s. look at that NECK! (gif credit to my sweet @darkcolinodonorgasm)

#shard ask #i'm sorry i rambled on but... i love him #colin o’donoghue #this really is a long ask #sorry anon #i have like a million things to write but i spent all morning on this #colin odonoghue

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delcat177 · 5 years ago

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Text in captions, if that won’t read on text to voice please let me know <3

This is a half-year old, but I only paid Blobs Magician to help me out once and I’m fresh out of delicately painted acorns and he gave me commission rights so I’ll be tipping him a ziploc bag of goldfish later

I feel awkward writing about all of this--there was a bit of jealousy when I got my hyst (not projecting, I was told flat by a trans friend), and I worry that I may be making other people feel alone, anxious, or less-than in their gender by talking about it. If you feel that at all, please, stop right now. Don’t look in the mirror, because mirrors are scary. Like, really scary, they have ghosts or stuff probably, but also in the genders sense, so instead, look in your head. Look at your self. It’s in there, because it is you. What is happening to me now is a shell upgrade, a hermit crab moving domiciles. I was a boy once, then a young man, then a oldman, and now I’m a oldman with a society man shell. Never mistake the shell for the crab, go “hey crab, I like your shell, I hope you find the perfect shell, because you are the perfect inhabitant” and celebrate that crab. Because we are all crabs, and we are all beautiful, and we all deserve the shells that reflect us as individuals, and anyone who says otherwise can fuck off into a spiny urchin bush and not have a shell. Or. Something. Did I say I felt awkward? I AM awkward. But anyway, drive-in movie totals and such after cut, potential TMI, and protect yourself love yourself, you lovely crabs <333

(with cut ‘cause longtext is looong)

(ORIGINAL POST)

Alt-text: I'm always the last one to know

so uh

I'm a blithe idiot and somehow never processed or dared to dream that this was possible

which makes the timeline look SPECTACULARLY dumb but I was going through SO MANY LIFESTYLE CHANGES

HYST DATE: SEPTEMBER 28, 2016

2017: Me: Man, living in the townhouse has really amped up my leg game, all that up and down stairs.

Me: I'm down ten pounds since the hyst! Megan: That's probably your natural weight. Me: That or getting there. Not surprising, I'm not feeding the beast constantly.

Me: *punches Megan playfully in the arm* Megan: OW goddammit Del that hurt like SHIT! Me: oh my God I'm sorry I didn't mean to! Megan: It's okay, just be careful! Me: That's so weird I'm sorry D8

Me: man is it just me or am I good in bed lately? oh right I'm the only one here...I guess it's because I'm more confident?

Me: ghghjh my hair's thinning out at the temples, well been expecting that one for awhile, at least it waited for 30

2018:

Me: Holy shit, the stairs plus the shopping is paying off! My thighs are HUGE! I wonder if cracking a watermelon with these bad boys is hyperbole. I bet I could though. I BET.

Me: Down to 162 and holding, fuck you past doctors! I just needed ENERGY goddammit!

Me: Wow, I've lost a lot of weight from my face especially. That makes me super happy. Anyway better pluck these stray hairs. ...have I been yanking these more lately? Getting old is weird.

Me: (struggling with shorts) Megan: Do you need a belt? Me: I'M WEARING A BELT (lifts shirt to reveal belt double wrapped around hips) Megan: Well then Me: I just need to buy new shorts, my ass is just GONE Megan: In the meantime maybe pay attention to what underwear you have on Me: yeah thank God for boxers

Me: My acne scars are heck of acting up. I wish I hadn't picked at my face so much as a kid, I guess the pores are just kinda fucked, I've read about that happening.

2019:

Megan: New shorts look good Me: I am so bad at shopping Megan: At least you have them now Me: I'm an assless chap is all Megan: Go to bed Del Me: It's four in the afternoon

Me: My throat feels so *thick* lately. I haven't been hitting the vape that often, why does it feel weird? And why am I noticing my own voice more? I NEVER notice my own voice, I make a point of it. Am I subconsciously pitching it lower like I used to do talking on Skype because I'm more socially active? What is my brain I'm so AWKWARD Me: UGH I'm falling back into derma habits, I haven't picked in my face in years, I think I need to change cleansers. But...my face looks...good? I guess I had this hiding under that baby fat all these years. ...I guess? Me: Am I getting a hump from my bad computer posture? Shit. Me: Oh no, it's not a hump, my shoulders are starting to put on muscle! That's a relief. That must be from the...laundry? Carrying...laundry?

AUGUST 5, 2019: Me: (lying in bed) 2 + 2

Me: wait why am I putting on shoulder muscle now? I've been doing laundry for years, and it's never done that. And my legs didn't get this buff with a routine job where I was walking three hours a d--

Me:

AUGUST 14, 2019:

New Endocrinologist: We'll test your levels to make sure it isn't a pituitary gland issue or (some syndrome I've already forgotten the name of), and it could be because there's some small element of testosterone in the estrogen replacement, but the brain does produce androgens. We can definitely look into switching you to T if you want, but if it's facial hair you're worried about...well, once the follicle is there, it's there. These are irreversible changes.

Me: No on that then but irreversible,, like,, what I have now,, is forever,,,,,,,?

New Endocrinologist: Forever, and I would expect to continue to see muscle gains if you work out.

Me:

welcome to my second puberty please be aware it apparently involves as many mood swings as the first one but i'm tryin'

Since then, it’s been continuing confirm, confirm, confirm.

My acne turned out to be little follicles growing in odd places--not fullblown hair, just enough to irritate the skin while it was developing. Tiny tufts of 1-3 entirely white, downy hairs have popped up in a few places on my breasts. The real fuzz proliferation has been in the southern quarters--with all delicacy, there is no itch like the itch of hair beginning to grow anywhere sweat can proliferate, and I now understand why cis men scratch privates in public. Having NOT gone through a unified social experience with a peer group accepting of such measures, I am sure there is footage on grocery store cams of someone with an agonized expression walking like he has a weasel down his pants and worrying that 30 is early for hemorrhoids. Both have settled in for the most part, leaving me with a very fluffy, barely-there peach fuzz mustache that’s only noticeable in the right light, some spare hairs across my chin and neck that I keep in order, and a profound relief that I prefer boy shorts and swim trunks.

I went through a few weeks of being especially rank despite all the showering and was worried that was my new normal, but apparently T sweats be like that, and I’m back to smelling like...whatever I smell like, probably lavender with our fabric softener. I experienced what I believed was a relapse a month later that turned out to be a false positive--specifically, our thermostat was slowly dying and frog-boiling us until it got hot enough that my sister also went “dear God it is a sauna in here”, leading to replacement of the faulty element and another notch in the “my life is dumb” bedpost.

My face bonebs, which I frankly expected the least out of (when I wasn’t expecting at all), have slowly but surely been rearranging, a visual effect doubled by the much faster redistribution of fat. I honestly have no idea how this one works. I know more about dead bonebs than live ones. I would doubt it if I didn’t have pictures to back it up. I would say it’s easier to look in the mirror now, but I already stated my opinion on mirrors, do it too much and a skeleton will pop out. It WILL. My brain tells me this and it is never wrong about fears and or phobias. Don’t do it kids.

If there’s been a single most beautiful moment so far, it’s been getting back into Steven Universe after a long hiatus, opening my mouth to sing the opening like I did years ago, and realizing all at once that I was singing falsetto. I ran it back, dropped a register, and the first names I sang became those who would believe in me most. There were tears, and later, showing it off, there were fierce hugs. (Yes, the first ep I watched once I realized was Stevonnie, and YES GARNET GOING “GO HAVE FUN” wah)

I can’t begin to express the validation--I am no gender essentialist’s data point, this is MY experience and no one else’s, but I keep going “my aunt had a hyst and didn’t transition and I had one and I am because my brain makes androgens my brain makes androgens MY BRAIN MAKES ANDROGENS IT HAS BEEN MAKING ANDROGENS ALL THIS TIME IT HAS BEEN TRYING” and living in that, living in “not even SCIENCE is against me”, which is a tremendous thing as a scientist. (As a scientist, I would be a blithering dullard to claim this is the only thing that affects or proves my gender, and I do not. Again, TERFs fuck off. This is simply a very validating thing to me, personally, in my experience. I’m not thrilled that I have to underline that this hard dammit internet.)

What lies ahead is...I don’t know! I thought I was done changing, but the post I saw that nudged me to finally do this on here went “you may stop being able to cry for awhile” and this is Important because I have been trying to figure out if I have Sjogren’s but apparently I have androgens which is slightly easier to pronounce. I’m not sure how I feel about that, because transitioning is a lot of “I’m not sure how I feel about this” and then things being okay. I would definitely say that the more I learn, the easier it is to feel steady and normal, which is important because the mood swings have been REAL. This is more than I asked for or bargained for, but I still only have one regret, and that’s that my hyst scars are just slightly asymmetrical and it Bothers Me, but even that is growing on me.

I don’t know how to end this post. I love you all to death, and I hope if you’re seeking transition, you find it and twenty dollars, and if you’re not seeking transition, you still find twenty dollars. Thank you so much for you and all you do and are. Remember--you are great!

Unless you’re truscum. Then this post isn’t for you (dammit Internet) and you can fall off a boardwalk onto a dead fish. Have fun with that!

hekk

#trans #trans mtf #trans timeline #del is a trans guy #gender #gender*#blobs magician #i'm sorry this wasn't sooner i was shy aaaaa #you are all tock to me #and you are all wonderful crabs #let us go for a scuttle #longpost #long post #scrolling

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ojamies · 5 years ago

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European Itinerary Tips by Rick Steves

Transportation inside Europe (i.e. traveling from city to metropolis) can make up a large percentage of your journey price range, but additionally it is very exhausting to predict how much you’ll spend. There are so many elements that go into how a lot every type of transportation (practice, aircraft, bus, car, and so on.) will price that I can’t actually give a super correct estimate. However, I may give you some general tips and point you to more in-depth articles. There are loads of cheap (and crappy) hotels all throughout Europe — just don’t anticipate much at the finances traveler’s worth range.

But typically price shouldn’t be the only figuring out factor in your trip. If you wish to expertise the sights and sounds of the area people and eat and drink because the locals do, going with a non-all-inclusive possibility is a greater bet.

Two a long time ago, you’d piece collectively a visit based mostly on which cities could be related by helpful train journeys (or, at most, in a single day trains). But today, it’s comparatively low cost and simple to mix, say, Portugal, Poland, and Palermo on a single itinerary. Turning a want list right into a day-by-day itinerary in your European trip isn’t simply smart, it’s enjoyable. Filling in the blanks between the flight out and the flight home is among the extra pleasurable elements of trip planning. It’s armchair travel that turns into actual journey.

To be trustworthy, outside of the capital, there are fairly a number of of the most cost effective cities in Europe which might be based mostly in the Czech Republic. Just make sure to do your homework and go to extra regional cities. Airfare, after all, is dependent upon your origin, destination, and season of journey.

Sounds like your a seasoned travelled who has put lots of thought into planning the proper trip. You realise how a lot effort it takes to assemble the proper journey and how many steps are involved whenever you put all of it collectively like this. Great tip to plan in your nightlife and e-book tickets upfront based on how in style the activity is more likely to be.

How can I visit Europe in 10 days?

For many of us the answer is money. From high prices to strong currencies, Western Europe is one of the most expensive destinations on a U.S. traveler's roster. In fact, with just a little bit of knowhow you can see the continent for less than $100 per day.

All you have to do is ahead your journey affirmation emails to the service, and the app instantly creates a journey schedule for you. No extra having to piece issues together yourself. It’ll inform you exactly when you should be at your flight gate, when the automobile is ready to pick up from the rental place, and when you’re good to check in at your resort. It even retains on prime of your restaurant reservations. ,” Ed Perkins writes, “An agent is a giant help if you value your time.

For me, the enjoyment of an upcoming trip starts the moment I begin researching and planning for the trip. Planning our trips nicely does assist make the most of the money and time during the vacation. I hadn’t recognized about Get Your Guide until I read your post – will examine their website when we plan our subsequent getaway. Because I journey so much and I am used to the flow of placing collectively an itinerary, when somebody writes a publish like this, you then realise just how a lot goes into planning a visit. Great that you're also providing a planning guide for download.

As a special note, you don’t need to add any lettering or doodles! Just thought these had been fun to share for the holidays.

This doesn't essentially cost you more – commissions are usually taken from the whole value to you not as well as. Accordingly, if you use a travel agent, you are always in danger for there being one thing that might have been higher for you had you spent the time trying yourself. Sometimes the difference between a good vacation and a GREAT vacation is found within the little particulars. A travel agent does not really “know” you when creating a vacation itinerary. You shall be proud of a holiday itinerary and resorts that may not be excellent for you but hopefully, shut enough.

For those of you excited to start planning your next holiday immediately, please obtain your individual free pdf copy of my Planning Guide with an important steps highlighted. I always define a tough plan before I finalize something. This is essential for a few reasons.

Ibiza has now discovered a stunning steadiness for those looking to dance til daybreak and households on the lookout for a calming out summer season break. The big superclubs in Ibiza Old Town and San Antonio like Amnesia and Pacha are huge attracts for the youthful crowd. Or search for packages to Playa d’En Bossa for some nice beaches and bars. For households, attempt the waterpark Aguamar or hire some bikes from San Antonio if you want a break from the beach. If you wish to get away from it all, take a day journey by Ferry from Ibiza Town to tiny Formentera.

There might be resort charges, local taxes, or administrative prices, as well as costs for using a secure in your room or choosing premium liquor. Some resorts even carry an added insurance value for unescorted visitors younger than a sure age. You’ll want all those particulars hammered out earlier than booking.

Turning a wish listing into a day-by-day itinerary for your European vacation isn’t just sensible, it’s fun.

State Department travel advisories, and at present has none (that means a trip here is technically safer than visiting France as of 2019).

If you want parties, hit as many festivals, national holidays, and arts seasons as you can (or, when you hate crowds, learn the dates to keep away from).

The good news is that there are times of the yr—and even days of the week—when flying costs much less. Take advantage of online tools and apps which let you browse locations, map itineraries, and even get recommendation from friends or fellow travelers. Be certain crucial sights are open the day you’ll be in town. Remember that most cities shut a lot of their main vacationer points of interest for one day in the course of the week (normally Monday). It could be a shame to be in Paris only on a Tuesday, when the Louvre is fermé.

Days in Europe: 10 Amazing Itineraries

They can be extremely reasonably priced in many cities. My go-to web site for locating rental flats is Airbnb. Rental flats are an particularly good worth if you’re traveling with a number of individuals. There is a wide range of lodging options in Europe — from tremendous low-cost to tremendous expensive.

Hotel Riu Palace Mexico, Playa del Carmen, Mexico

Circle your destinations on a map, then work out a logical geographical order and size for your trip. Pin down any places that you have to be on a sure date (and ask yourself if it’s actually value stifling your flexibility). Once you’ve settled on a list, be happy along with your environment friendly plan, and focus any more research and preparation solely on locations that fall along your proposed route.

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scripttorture · 6 years ago

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So. I have this story where MC is a slaveborn, was bought by a powerful man at the age of 7. This man basically planned on training him as a soldier - in the long run - to use him for his State-sponsored PMC's dirtiest missions, the ones where there's high mortality risk and the actions must not be linked to the company, etc. Training is harsh and brutal, it's full of horror and humiliation and it does involve torture, because they are trying to make MC "resistant to pain and interrogation [1/6]

byenemies" (I know it doesn’t work that way, but these individualsare torturers themselves, they believe in these methods.) This beingsaid, in my story this man kind of succeeds in coercing andbrow-beating MC into compliance and deference (meaning that he’ll endup doing a host of shitty things for the PMC), he convinces MC he’snothing more than a property, a tool to be used in various ways forthe efficiency and safety of the city, and so on. BUT. What I’mtrying to do here is [2/6]presentingthis kind of mental process as a result of *abuse* (and pre-existingabuse also, i.e. being born in slavery), not *torture.* I mean, Iwant to make it clear that MC’s personality, identity and willpowerget gradually crushed because of his terribly young age (and the factthat every tie he had previously with family and friends getssevered, much like it happens to actual child soldiers) that makeshim prone to manipulation (not as in ‘brainwashing’ but as in'gaslighting and [3/6]weaponizationof guilt complexes and a lot of nasty stuff that actually mighthappen even in a more common scenario like domestic child abuse’),because he’s put in a do or die situation where he has no choice butfollow through with orders otherwise he dies, until he actuallystarts internalizing the whole situation and it slowly becomes dailyroutine. I guess that what I’m asking is: how does this sound to you?How can I write it effectively so that it’s blatantly clear thattorture/pain [4/6]arepart of MC’s ordeal but they’re not the reason he ends up obeying?Because I know that torture doesn’t change hearts and minds, I don’twanna paint that picture. It has to be more about surviving andadapting and believing in something because it feels there’s nofuture - and no past - beyond that. (I want to reassure you that Ihave already picked symptoms for MC and that during his time as thisman’s slave he’ll never stop trying to enact passive resistance, eventhough actively [5/6]hedoes what he’s told and he kind of believes he has no right to deemit bad and he deserves it etc. I mean, this is not going to be just astory about a broken victim who does nothing but be his Master’s toy– it’s going to be a story about finding awareness, finding thestrength to fight back and break free and oppose to this wholesystem. It just starts, and for a very large swathe stays, in a worseplace.) [6/6]

Hi.I’m the anon who sent that 7-part ask about the enslaved boy boughtby a PMC. I re-read my words and I realized there was room formisunderstandings: when I said “who planned on using him aschild soldier” what I actually meant was “he started totrain MC very harshly since he was 7 and MC did take somewhat distantpart in military actions during his childhood as part of a'observe&learn’ process, but he wasn’t scheduled for active dutyon his own until he was a teenager. Just to be clearer!

Thank you for the clarification but just to be 100% clear that is being a child soldier according to the legal definition.

Child soldiers are not always used for front line active combat. Sometimes they’re used as messengers, cooking or cleaning staff, to transport equipment or a variety of other things that aren’t active combat. But all of these count. Whether a child used by an army fights or not they are a child soldier.

For the purposes of story telling it is a useful distinction to make. I understand exactly why you’ve made it. But keeping the legal definition in mind helps because it broadens the scope of sources you can use.

If you were ruling out accounts by child soldiers age 7 before, on the grounds that they were probably fighting- You’ve now got a whole new host of things that apply.

I put together a list of books and other sources on child soldiers in this post here. You might find them useful.

You might also get something from Kara’s books on modern slavery. I’d suggest Modern Slavery: A Global Perspective as the most relevant simply because it covers a broader range then his other two books.

You’ve given me a really helpful level of detail here and before I go any further I wanted to thank you for that.

It’s clear that you know you’ve picked a difficult plot. But everything you’ve describe sounds possible to me.

I think a lot of the difficulty with these plots is wrapped up in that: ‘possible’. There’s a strong tendency for authors to treat these extreme scenarios as black and white.

They ‘heroically’ resist (to the point they’re unaffected) or they’re ‘broken’ and become a passive object. Too often we write about these scenarios as if they can produce one definite, sure-fire outcome.

The truth is messy. Compliance is part of that mess.

Because it’s possible but it’s never certain. And it’s often narratively tempting to cut out the complexity, to make things nice and simple and easy to write. Which does everyone a disservice.

I’ve read anecdotes from a few anti-slavery activists describing how some slavers hire fake aid workers/anti-slavery activists to try and make their victims too scared to seek help. And it does intimidate some victims, but some still try to escape and some still succeed.

And you can show those different responses here.

Your main character complies but in the kind of setting you’ve described he’s far from the only slave. And since the MC is in this situation for years he would meet others, he’d hear stories. You can establish that his response is not the only response by mentioning others as background details.

Here are some possibilities.

Seeing other enslaved people physically resist or attempting escape.

Hearing rumours about successful escapes.

News stories or rumours about attacks on slavers.

Rumours about anti-slavery activists.

Fleeting contact with anti-slavery activists.

Those probably all sound a bit obvious so let me put them in context with some summarised anecdotes.

A lot of the women Kara interviewed as part of his work on modern slavery described seeing escape attempts. Most of these stories ended with the victim being caught by slavers, tortured and killed. This was often done in view of the enslaved women in an attempt to intimidate them.

In most cases the enslaved women didn’t actually see the escape attempt itself and weren’t always aware how many other women were held. Which means that the slavers were creating a sort of pattern; the majority of escape attempts the women heard about ended in them watching the person who tried to escape die.

When enslaved black people in the American south were fleeing north a lot of southern slavers responded with rumour campaigns. They told slaves that the people who successfully escaped were worse off.

I haven’t read enough of those rumours to say if there was a pattern to them. But the ones I remember were addressed towards specific, undeniable escapes. They (completely falsely) said things like, the escapee was homeless, jobless and isolated. They described them starving and begging for food-

This was all designed to discourage escape attempts by creating the impression escapees were worse off then slaves.

One of the things that seems consistent about historical slavery in the Caribbean and Brazil is how goddamn paranoid white people were. There was a massive and pervasive fear of uprisings and also smaller scale violence such as poisonings.

The impression I get is that slavers were so afraid of this and talked about it so often that it would have been impossible for slaves to be unaware of these fears. This might not have been helpful to anyone actually planning something but it can be used in a story to add to that background impression that other responses are possible.

All of these are things that can be worked in with short scenes or a few sentences.

Once you have that background of other possible responses you can start weaving them in with the reasons why this character isn’t acting in those ways.

Personally I think that part is the harder task.

I tend to emphasise that people in highly abusive situations are still making choices. I believe that is true. But these are not free choices.

It’s a lot easier to falsely position something as a free choice (and hence attach blame) or falsely position the character as completely controlled (and hence defined by the abuser). I think a lot of well meaning authors fall into one trap or the other. Recognising it as you’ve done is essential. But- keeping that balance is always going to be hard.

A lot of this will come down to execution and how the piece comes across to individual readers. Whenever that’s the case I recommend finding people to read over your stories and check that the scenes are working the way you want them to. I’ve found face to face writing groups very helpful. If that’s not an option for you then a good beta reader (or several) is the next best thing.

But back to the question of writing coercion. Let me put in some examples of how that constrained thought process could be used for your story.

The character’s seven at the beginning. Let’s say that he’s young the first time he sees an escape attempt. It’s well thought out and planned, it involves multiple people. He’s told he can’t come because he’s too small and too slow, he’ll slow everyone else down. But it’s exciting seeing this, for a moment he looks up to these people more then anyone else in the world-

And then they get caught. And he sees them murdered or tortured for attempting to escape.

He gets older. Life is horrible and hard. But he keeps hearing stories about how much worse it is if you get away.

I’m not sure whether you’ve got a more urban or rural setting here but either way you can come up with horror stories about exposure, lack of food and lack of clean water.

As an example of each- In the winter in some Russian cities someone who collapses at night can just end up covered in snow, frozen solid and not found until the spring (that’s an urban legend I’m unsure how true it is). In rural Europe ripe deadly nightshade berries look almost like blueberries and can be found in a lot of hedges. They taste sweet and the poison only kicks in hours later. In parts of South America fresh water pools can hold a brain eating amoeba, there’s no treatment or cure for it. The organism gradually eats you away.

These sorts of stories mix in with the reality of being enslaved: the exhaustion, the hunger and the way that hunger and exhaustion can combine to produce intense apathy. When doing anything is difficult then actually acting on ways to escape can become too hard, too triggering, too risky.

Someone new sneaks into the compound and tells stories about how they’re going to help people escape, who wants to come? And may be the MC wants to, he thinks about it. But fear can paralyse and he doesn’t know if he can trust this stranger.

A few days later the stranger vanishes and everyone who said ‘yes’ to them is publicly punished. Not making the attempt starts to look like wisdom.

Bring up the legitimate fears anyone trying to leave an abusive situation has when they’ve spent their life dependant on the abuser.

How is he going to eat? Where is he going to stay? How will he ever get the money he needs to survive? What happens if he gets ill or injured, who would possibly want to take care of him? If he fails won’t it make things worse? If he succeeds won’t people come after him? What if he’s caught again? What if running away just puts him in the hands of another abuser? What happens to the people he’s grown up with if he escapes? Will they be punished in his place?

Whenever people ask why victims ‘don’t just leave’ they ignore these questions. And they are real questions.

Show that. Mix practical assessment of his chances with a paralysing stream of anxiety based around all the ways every single step of an escape could go wrong.

Show how goddamn scary the unknown and lack of support (of everyone he’s ever known) can be.

If you’re worried about readers interpreting this as due to pain or torture rather than deep, practical fears- Well this character is enslaved for a very long time. Much longer then the modern average (across types of slavery it’s around four and a half years, for debt bondage it’s a little over five). He’s not going to stay in one constant emotional state for that entire time.

If you’re leaning in to depressive symptoms and the apathy things like starvation can cause then you can use torture and it’s aftermath to show a sudden, shocking surge of anger, aggression. You can show it sparking, however briefly, a will to rebel.

Even without that symptom set I think you could use it in this way. You could have him actually acting a little and getting half way through escape preparations before bottling a couple of days later.

Wrapping this up-

It’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into this story. You’ve read up at least a little on the subject matter. You’re concerned about doing it justice. That’s completely understandable.

Don’t let your concern or the fear that you might do a bad job paralyse you.

Write.

You’ll make mistakes in the process. That’s OK. Writing is a learning process and the beautiful thing about it is that we can always go back and correct our mistakes.

You’ve set yourself up for a long and difficult project. But it is achievable. Break it down. Tackle it a little at a time. Take breaks. Seek advice from other writers.

You can do this.

I hope that helps. :)

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#Anonymous #tw torture #tw child abuse #tw child soldiers #tw slavery #coercion #compliance #compliance under threat #writing victims

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