#good luck for your graduation exams next month that will define your life from now on!

[anaalnathrakhs]

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heeehee hooohoho nothing has weight, sense, or value anymore. everything is everybody's fault. no one can be blamed for anything. sorry for being an asshole i'm just going to fucking kill myself.

i asked my mom if she remembered if we set up an account for me to check an info, she said she didn't know, i said okay thanks, don't do anything about it though.

this afternoon, while i'm sleeping, i get a text that goes like "okay so you do this and this and this on the website!" and i haul my ass out of bed to do it before the cutoff time this evening, and it leads me to the exact same problem of needing an account. so. my mom could take the time to search for a way to resolve a problem she THOUGHT i had. despite me telling her explicitely, bc i'm starting to get used to it, not to do anything about it and it was just a question. but then she didn't click through the thing to check. bc she just googled it and sent me what she read. after telling me "noooo, no need to check" when i had asked her. she said it "went over her head" that i had said EXPLICITELY "please don't do anything about it".

i have no fucking idea what to think. i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, yes, and my own fault for even mentioning the topic, yes. but on the other hand, why the fuck is such a simple thing impossible? we've had so many discussions about what i'm uncomfortable with, and there's many things that didn't change, which i understand, because i'm not a toddler, i have complex needs but also the ability to mitigate and handle discomfort, they have priorities, they have no obligation to uproot their habits for me. but then such a small fucking thing is also too much?????? i ask her one yes/no question, and she invents a problem i didn't have from the situation, halfasses solving it, and brings me the result like yay! mom to the rescue! despite me telling her NOT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE TOPIC OF THE VERY SIMPLE YES/NO QUESTION. that she had told me to not even bother checking when she answered. we've had discussions about it. i've learned to tell her NOT TO CHECK because for some reason when i say "hey have you seen this thing around?" she hears "go fetch me this thing", and despite that she was still showing up two days later like yay! i found it in the back of the guest room closet where we never go! mom to the rescue! and like, i know you're a workaholic, but could you please not invent yourself fucking quests when i told you to drop it?

and on the other other hand, i'm a fucking hypocrite, because it's true she does tell me often not to do something, and i slide the problem a little to the left and carry on. but i don't fucking know. she said that like, well, you know what i'm talking about. purging in the toilets. I HAVENT ASKED YOU TO CLEAN THEM AND I HAVE DONE MY BEST TO CLEAN THEM AND I WOULD'VE DONE THE PROPER DEEP-CLEAN IF YOU HAD ASKED ME AND ALSO I HAVE A FUCKING RAGING EATING DISORDER THAT AFFECTS ME LIKE PRETTY MUCH 24/7.

and holy fuck. i'm a constant problem for everybody around me. it's cool. how am i supposed to "get better progressively" when everything i do is fucking poison damage to everybody around. how am i supposed to accept being around people often, when this is not a harsh pass or a difficult time, it's just what life's been for my entire existence.

like trust me mom, i'm counting the days til i can move out too! but am i. im possibly planning to get a year of higher education in my hometown, after all. but also i might have to drop out of school so 🥴 possibly a step towards leaving, possibly a step towards living in my parents basement until they die out and i inherit the house. fucking fantastic. i should just cut it short and either have the balls to kill myself, or drop out and get the best job i can with what i have.

it's cool! i thought i was doing good, doing better, improving, but turns out haha me doing better is just at the expense of other people! how silly of me to believe i could perhaps not be a source of suffering to everybody around me if i worked hard on it! everybody in my life fucking hates me and they're right tbh what the fuck have i done for them. i mean i tried, but have i succeeded?

ANYWAY i have until monday to figure out what i'm going to do. does anyone have a movie rec for someone killing some stand-in for the unfeeling standardize reglementation, cuz i need some catharsis rn.

[whippedkoalas]

could you do a drabble where noora is stressed about school and william comforts her? I've been having exams all week and I'd love to read something nice❤

Hello! Good luck with your exams! I hope you’ll love your drabble. I apologize in advance for the mistakes. I wrote this in an airport on my phone, lol.

Two years ago, Noora had underestimated the level of stress William and Chris had been under and she realizes that now that her exams are starting… Soon. Too soon. 

Noora doesn’t work well under pressure. She loves to be organized, to know what she has to do and to do it in time. Younger, she loved to do her homework for the week during the weekend, just to be sure she would not be late. 

With the traditional Russtinden also happening right now, and Vilde putting even more pressure on her shoulders, she feels like she’s drowning. 

She has always been a great student and she knows that this year, she could fail. Because she didn’t study enough, because she had to befriend people who care about being social and Russ, because she decided to follow them to parties more time than she should have, because she chose to move in with William just a few months ago. (they never spent a night apart, it was ridiculous to pay for two rents.) 

Now, sitting alone on her bed, surrounded by all her school stuff, she finds a billion of reasons why she’s in that situation right now. 

The truth is: it’s not anyone’s fault. 

It’s not William’s fault; he leaves her alone when she’s studying, tries to help her understand things she doesn’t get because the program didn’t change that much in two years. He also tries to cook for her and to do a maximum of the house chores, but he’s in his first year of law school, which is a lot harder than he thought it would be and therefore he’s also stressed out and spends a lot of time studying too. 

It’s not Vilde’s fault either. Even though she still gives a high importance to their bus and Russtinden, she has partially calmed down. She doesn’t lose sleep over this anymore, which is great. Vilde never forces her to go to parties or to participate. 

She chose to go to the parties, she chose to be a Russ, and she chose to be with William. 

In the last two years, her life drastically changed. The lonely girl who didn’t really care about having friends and thought she would never date anyone doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe she never existed in the first place, Noora isn’t sure. But the reality is there: she’s now dealing with the problems she didn’t want to deal with when she was 14. 

“no friends, no boyfriend, just studies and hard work” she had said angrily. Well, that didn’t really work out. 

If she was rational, she totally would know she’s not failing. Far from it. But when Noora is having a panic attack, logic doesn’t apply. 

She feels like she’s drowning, like she’s suffocating and nobody can save her. 

With a huge sigh, she lets tears fall down. She closes her books and puts them away. She lays down and closes her eyes. 

She opens them again when she hears William coming home. 

She knows he’s gonna try to find her to say hello. 

She also knows that if he sees her like that, he’s gonna worry for her and try to make her talk to him. 

When she hears him coming her way, she pretends to be asleep. 

William opens the door carefully and looks at her. She expects him to close the door, but instead, he goes to the bed, undresses, puts everything he finds on the bed away carefully and lays down next to her. 

She should know by now that William knows her as well as she knows him. 

He doesn’t touch her, doesn’t talk. He acts like she’s asleep, even though he probably knows that she’s just pretending. 

His presence is soothing her already. After a few minutes, she gives up and moves closer to him. He immediately puts his arm around her and kisses her forehead. 

“what’s going on?”

“nothing. I’m fine” her voice betrays her but she really doesn’t want to talk about everything now.

“Noora” he starts. “what’s going on?”

She sighs. A few tears fall down again. 

“did something happen?” he tries again. She can hear worry in his voice. She hates that he still worries about his brother because that bastard never got punished for what he did to her. She couldn’t face him, she didn’t want William to face him either and it's…. Unfair. 

Her crying intensifies. 

“Noora, I’m here. I’ve got you.” William whispers. 

“nothing happened. I promise. Everything is okay”

“Well, clearly, something is not okay, babe”

She bursts into tears. “I’m gonna…. “

“no. You’re not gonna die.”

“are you sure?”

William moves a bit and takes her chin in his hand. 

“Noora, I promise you. You’ll be fine. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, we’ll deal with it.”

She nods and rests her head on his chest. 

“it’s too much. Exams, Russ. I’m gonna fail.” she whispers. 

William plays with her hair. With her head on his chest, she can hear William breath a sigh of relief. 

“you’re gonna smash your exams babe. I know that. I’ll help you if you need. But hear me out for a sec, okay? If you do not graduate this year, then you don’t graduate this year. You won’t be a failure because you have to take those exams again. It doesn’t matter. Just do your best.”

“it does matter because I’ll be a year behind and… “

“Noora. No. I’m sure it won’t happen, but it’s not the end of the world. You know school systems are social constructs that do not mean anything. Your grades do not define who you are. You wouldn’t be a year behind. You just would take those exams again. But, again, I’m sure you’re gonna be brilliant as you always are.”

His voice is even more soothing than his presence. Noora calms down, listening to William breathing. 

“you know that you sound just like me? It’s scary. That’s something I would have said to someone else.” she huffs.

William caresses her back and smiles. 

“You’re inspiring, you know. Sometimes it’s difficult to apply your own advice to yourself so I’m just the messenger. That’s why I’m here for.”

Noora stays in William’s embrace for a while, but then reality hits her again. She has to study. 

“I should go back to studying. Can you handle dinner?” she tells him, a slight smile on her lips. 

“Noora, you’re not studying tonight. You won’t be concentrated enough and all you will manage to achieve is giving you a headache and another panic attack” William points out. 

“but I’m already behind on my schedule and I really need to revise this chapter tonight because tomorrow it will be too late and I need to study”

“okay. As you want. I’ll be in the living room. Promise me that you will call me if you don’t feel well?”

Noora nods and grabs her biology book. 

Not even fifteen minutes later, William sees a very tired Noora sitting down next to him. Her eyes are red and swollen so he takes her in his arms. 

“I’m such a mess,” she tells him, hiding her face in his neck. 

“no, you’re not.” he says. “you’re just stressed.”

“I don’t understand anything to biology. I’m going crazy.”

“Isn’t that Sana’s thing?” 

“Yes, but she isn’t patient enough to teach me. I’m fucked.” Noora sighs.

“Ok, this is what we could do. We order pizza, you relax a bit while we’re waiting, we eat together and then I can try to help you with biology. Chris nailed his exam, so we can always call him if we don’t understand” William suggest with a smile.

Noora nods and smiles. “great idea, boyfriend! I think a little make-out session might help me relax.”  

Noora is back, mission accomplished. 

[gloomstudy]

june 24, 2017 - advice for younger students

#ssn june challenge: week 2, day 6

in my 19 years of existence, i’ve learned quite a few things while in school. i still have two more years to go (and possibly more, if i decide to go to graduate school), but please don’t make the same mistakes as i did. without further ado, here are my tips for you!

academic advice:

keep up your grades, and continue being involved in your school and your community. it’s important to be well-rounded!

even if you feel like you’re good at remembering things, it’s good to write down everything that you need to do every day (and it’s also very satisfying to cross off each task as you go, hehe).

speaking of writing things down, it’s also good to write down everything that’s due in the quarter/semester. grab that syllabus and write down all the due dates into your planner/calendar/bujo! this also allows you to plan ahead so that you can keep track of what’s due in the next few days and what’s to come in the future weeks and months.

don’t be afraid to ask your teachers/professors for help! they want you to succeed!

don’t procrastinate on writing papers! work on a little every day, even if you only end up writing half a page for one day. progress is progress, and you’ll save yourself from stressing out the day before the paper is due.

when you take notes, make sure that they’re actually meaningful and that they make sense to you. don’t take notes just for the sake of taking notes or just because you’re required to do so.

when you’re studying, no matter what study method you’re using, the key thing to remember is that although many tests and exams are about retrieval and jogging your memory, you need to be able to actually understand what you’ve studied and learned. once you understand something, everything else becomes a lot easier. take matters into your own hands and make the most of it.

SCHOLARSHIPS! APPLY FOR THEM! WINNING FREE MONEY IS GREAT! THEY’LL HELP YOU A LOT WHEN IT COMES TO PAYING FOR YOUR COLLEGE TUITION LATER ON! ^_^

here are some more tips if you’re an incoming high school senior!

here are some more tips if you plan on majoring in music in college/university!

general life advice:

friendly competition is nice every now and then, but please don’t go as far as always comparing yourself to other students.

it’s okay to eat lunch by yourself sometimes.

time management is key, and knowing your priorities is important. 

remember to take breaks! you may think that you’re able to plow through 4 hours of studying, but honestly, you’re likely to lose focus partway through. let yourself rest for a few minutes before getting back to work. of course, you can reward yourself once you’re all done! :)

for college/university: don’t feel pressured to join a fraternity or a sorority to make friends and have fun. greek life isn’t for everyone. there are plenty of other ways to network!

don’t be afraid to sit in the front of the class, especially if you’re short like me, lol.

don’t stress/bum yourself out over things. the small stuff matters, but don’t sweat the small stuff too much. whatever happens, happens. life goes on.

as many people have said several times in the past, YOUR GRADES AND YOUR GPA DON’T DEFINE YOU.

coffee doesn’t always have to be the instant solution to staying awake and focused. chew some gum. eat a snack. get up from your desk and walk around for a bit, then sit back down and continue working. drink some cold water. there are a bunch of ways to keep your energy going!

eat all your meals. take your meds. drink plenty of water. get enough sleep. clean yourself. you and your personal health (this includes your mental health, too!) come first. please take care of yourself. <3

that’s about it! i hope these tips help you, and if they don’t…well, at least i can say that i tried. feel free to message me any time if you’d like more tips/advice, and i’d be happy to help. hope you’re all having a wonderful day/night! good luck, and keep on keepin’ on!

until next time, katrina