#going nobody talks like that you're a broken person & then going god and i can't even send this screenshot to mac and whiskey..

[intertexts]

GOD. SPEAKING OF I THINK THERE ACTUALLY WAS A PEEN MENTION IN WORM.

[roosterforme]

Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw Part 19 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: With an uncertain future, Bradley gets ready to leave for Virginia. But he works on a plan to make sure you understand just how much he will be thinking about you.

Warnings: Fluff, smut, angst, adult banter, desperate Bradley, 18+

Length: 5400 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female teacher!Reader

Check out my masterlist for more! Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw masterlist

Bradley felt sick to his stomach as soon as he saw the stationery set. At this point, the only thing on his mind was quitting his job so the two of you didn't have to be separated. The paper looked expensive; he would have loved to sit in his bunk and write line after line to you and your class, but he wouldn't be able to do that at all. 

"We can go back to being pen pals for a bit," you whispered, your hand coming to rest on his thigh, giving him a little squeeze. "I'll be refreshing my email inbox and waiting not so patiently for my mail to arrive. It'll be great. That's how I fell in love with you in the first place."

He felt guilty even though he had no control over the scenario. His heart hurt with loneliness already as he set the gift you gave him on the coffee table and buried his face in his hands. "Gorgeous. That's not gonna happen." He swallowed past the lump in his throat and turned to look at you out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm confused," you said, hand still on his leg. He covered your fingers with his rougher ones and pulled gently until you climbed onto his lap. 

"Oh, god," he groaned, giving you a kiss before linking his fingers with yours. "I love that set of note cards. I would have taken them with me everywhere during my free time, and I would have written to your class constantly. And you would have been the recipient of some rambling love notes to be sure." Your brow was still creased with concern as he said, "No outside communication. For seven weeks."

Your expression went slack as a single tear rolled down your cheek. "You're joking."

"I'm not."

Bradley held onto your fingers as you whispered, "This keeps getting worse," through more tears. Your broken voice made his chest ache as you leaned closer until your cheek was resting on his shoulder. "I could go ages without you in person, but if I can't talk to you at all... Bradley."

Nobody else ever loved him the way you did. He'd be miserable without your letters, emails, dirty pictures and pretty face over video calls, but he finally had someone who would miss him equally. 

"I know," he muttered, wrapping his arms around you. "It's seven weeks of nothing."

You were crying in earnest now as you clung to him. "Nothing," you sobbed. "I won't even know if I'm supposed to collect you in San Diego or Norfolk when your deployment ends. And I won't know where you're being stationed."

"Fuck," he gasped. "Gorgeous, when I tell you that nobody would have much cared where I ended up before I met you, I mean it." He kissed you as you snuggled tighter against him. "As soon as I find out what's going on, I'll let you know."

"Seriously," you murmured, voice shaky. "You better tell me as soon as possible if it's San Diego or Norfolk in my future."

Bradley didn't know what else to say besides, "I fucking love you." He smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks as he added, "Are you really going to fly out to Norfolk and collect me if they make me stay in Virginia?"

You pulled away from him, eyes puffy with a scandalized look on your face as you said, "Of course. What kind of girlfriend do you think I am?"

The kind he was going to upgrade to his wife.

-----------------------------

When you finally stopped crying, you were on the verge of a migraine, but you felt a bit calmer. Bradley got up to gather together some Advil, a glass of water, and a small gift wrapped in hideous paper.

"Your early Christmas present," he said, handing it to you after you swallowed two pills for your headache. "Well, it's actually kind of another gift for me, when you really think about it." He dropped down onto the couch again with his arm slung around your shoulders, and unlike him, you tore into the paper. Inside was a leather journal with little hand painted airplanes all over it. "Will you write in it every day so I can read it when I see you again?"

When you opened it to the first page, he had written you a note.

Gorgeous, I miss you with my whole heart. I can't wait to read about all of your adventures when I get home to you. Love, Bradley

"Yes," you whispered, closing it again so you could wrap your arms around his waist. "It'll just be a bunch of pages of me telling you how I argued with Jayden about his sloppy handwriting and how I asked Nia a hundred times to return to her seat. But yes, I'll write in it every day for you."

"I will eat up every page."

After that, he kept you by his side for the rest of the night. Even when you tried to dig around in the refrigerator to see if there was any food left, he was grabbing for you and kissing you. "You have no food," you said with a laugh, turning to face him. "What are we eating for dinner?"

"Hadn't thought that far," he muttered against your lips. "Just want you."

You took his face in your hands and ran your thumb along his scars. "If you don't eat, you'll get cranky. And you've got aircraft carrier food in your future."

Bradley grimaced and muttered, "Cabbage rolls," as he reached for his phone. "Let's get pizza today. And then maybe I'll try to talk the hostess at Salvatore's into letting us get takeout tomorrow. Then Thai on Christmas."

"And then you'll be gone," you whispered, dreading it all over again. "It never gets any easier, does it?"

"You're stuck with me, Gorgeous," he said, voice tinged with the tiniest bit of apprehension.

"I am." You kissed him before you said, "Pizza sounds perfect. Then I can help you pack a little more."

---------------------------

The last thing Bradley wanted to do was finish packing his duffle, but every time you looked up at him, eyes full of emotion, he was struck by several things. One, you really were so good at folding up his uniform components, something he noticed a few days ago. Two, every minute or so, you wrapped your arms around him, which made leaving with uncertainty so much harder. And three, you were absolutely nothing like Vanessa. 

Last time when he packed to leave, he was treated to her incessant whining over the fact that he didn't want to take her out to dinner. She was always annoyed with him wanting a quiet night in. She was always annoyed by his job. It was so obvious that she never missed him or loved him the way you did as he watched you carefully fold one of his flight suits before tucking it in his bag. 

"Gorgeous," he murmured, and as soon as your gaze met his, you had your arms wrapped around him again.

"That's enough for the night," you whispered, voice thick with emotion as he kissed the top of your head. Your face was pressed against his chest, and he could hear you trying to keep yourself calm. And god, he hated doing this to both of you. 

"I agree," he replied, keeping you close while he tossed a few novels he'd been meaning to read in as well. He'd have plenty of time to read a whole stack.

You wiped your eyes on his shirt as you said, "Make sure you read at night and stay away from all the women."

Bradley tipped your chin up so you were looking at him again. "Surely you're not worried about that." You shook your head. "Good. But now that we're on the topic... be a good girl and don't talk to horny assholes."

You started laughing as you slipped out of his grasp, wiping at your tears as you said, "Never. Now let me add one more thing to your bag." As you disappeared from the bedroom, Bradley put his bag on the top of his dresser. If he had time, he would move some of his clothing around so you had room for your things when your lease was up. Otherwise you were going to have to fend for yourself in his house and just make decisions for him. If he just had more time with you, everything would be easier. The one promising thing would be returning in time for Valentine's Day and Career Day at your school. If he was allowed to come back to San Diego at all.

"Fuck," he groaned, hating this unsettled feeling that was expanding in his chest, but as soon as you walked back in, he started to feel better. Seven weeks without you was going to be painful when he had such a visceral reaction to your touch and your words.

"Just in case you feel like jotting down your own thoughts every day for me to read," you said before tucking the stationery kit in next to his uniforms. You slid a large envelope that looked like it was bursting at the seams inside as well and simply said, "Some more reading material for you," before pulling him toward the bed.

And that's when Bradley figured out just how to make you feel a little less alone when he was in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

-------------------------

When you opened your eyes on Christmas Eve, you were already smiling. Your body was warm and tucked up against Bradley's, his big, heavy arm draped over you as he snored softly. You wanted to stay here and not move a muscle, because right now, everything was perfect. You could pretend like his duffle bag wasn't sitting on his dresser, mostly packed and ready to go. You could melt into the sweet ache deep inside from the hour he spent loving your body last night. You could close your eyes and go back to sleep.

Bradley's phone vibrated on his nightstand, and he groaned next to your ear. "Baby," he murmured, lips grazing your neck. "Don't get up yet."

You couldn't help but smile. "Your phone is vibrating. Not mine."

"Shit," he grunted, rolling away from you. Once he looked at his phone screen he seemed to wake up. "Nat's on her way to pick you up for girls' day."

"What are you talking about?"

You definitely hadn't planned a girls' day. Why would you want to miss out on any time with Bradley right now? You could have a day with Nat next week or next month when he was gone!

He had a little smile on his face as he pulled you close again for a kiss. "You better get dressed."

"Bradley! I'm not going out with Nat. You're leaving in two days!"

Naked and spectacular, he climbed out of bed and stretched. "Just for a bit. She wants to take you to get coffee, and if she tries to get me a Christmas present, I need you to make sure it doesn't suck." 

"You planned this," you said, annoyed as he reached for you, pulling you away from the bed where you could pretend there was no scary uncertainty in your future.

"Just trust me," he whispered, holding you close. "Besides, I need some time to sweet talk someone at Salvatore's into letting me order dinner to-go."

You could handle an hour or two with his best friend while you counted down the time you had left before his flight out of San Diego. "Fine, but I'm wearing your sweatshirt, and I'll be thinking about you the whole time."

Bradley sent you down the walkway with a kiss, and he waved from the front door in just his underwear as you climbed into his best friend's car. "I won't keep you out too long," Natasha promised with a smirk. "I can already tell you want to get back to him."

"Why did he plan this?" you asked, wanting the answers he wouldn't give you while trying not to be rude. "No offense, because I would love to spend an entire girls' day with you, but why today?"

She simply turned up the Christmas songs on the radio and headed toward Starbucks with a smile on her face. "I was thinking after coffee we could hit up the mall for a few minutes? I need to find something truly awful to get for Bradley. I'm thinking some pink running shorts to match mine. High visibility colors are very important when you're out running, and I just don't think he fully appreciates that."

You laughed. "If you buy them, he'll probably just wear them to try to embarrass you."

"I don't embarrass easily," she said smoothly with a devilish grin. "And dare I say you might like to pick out a little something that you could wear as a going away treat?"

"Wear?" you asked before you quite knew what she meant.

"Sure. I mean, I don't want to know any specifics about what the two of you get up to, because gross, but deployments are long and lonely, and you're definitely going to miss each other."

While Bradley had seen all of your cutest underwear at this point, you'd never worn anything that you bought specifically with him in mind. Your cheeks grew warm as you thought about it. Truthfully you didn't even own anything terribly sexy. 

"What would he even like?" you asked softly as she pulled into the Starbucks parking lot.

"On you?" she asked with a laugh. "Anything. Don't worry, we'll find something good."

------------------------

When Natasha texted to inform him that you were on your way back to his house, Bradley quickly hid everything that had been out on his coffee table while he juggled his phone. The woman he was talking to on speakerphone wasn't falling for his lines at all.

"Listen," he told her, making sure there was no visible evidence of what he'd done in his living room. "I just really want tonight to be special for my girlfriend and I before I leave for my next deployment. Just one order of spaghetti and meatballs? That's all I'm asking."

There was a deep sigh followed by, "Be here promptly at 5:00 to pick it up. I'll take your credit card over the phone."

"Perfect," he replied with a smile, digging for his wallet. "The name is Bradley Bradshaw."

You walked in with shopping bags in your arms, and rushed toward him as he finished giving his credit card security code, and he pulled you in for a hug as he reassured the hostess from Salvatore's that he would be there at 5:00.

"Hi," he said, kissing you after he ended the call. "Did you have fun with Nat?

"So much fun," you told him with a smile. "We're going to try out a wine bar next week up in Oceanside." The idea of you hanging out with his friend while he was away made him feel calm, especially since Nat knew how important you were to him. "Also," you said, pressing your lips together nervously, "I think I'd like to sleep here for the rest of my winter break." Your volume dropped to a whisper. "I'm not sure if it will make me miss you more or less, but I want to be here if that's okay with you."

"I love that, Gorgeous," he replied easily. Hanging out with Natasha and then returning to his house where you belonged anyway felt right to him. "Knowing you're sleeping in my bed might result in some dirty notes from me," he said with a laugh as you bit your lip.

"Please," you whispered. "Yes. Write me dirty notes to read when you get back." Just when he was about to kiss you, he watched you bend and rummage around in a bag. "Also, this is your gift from Natasha." You handed him some bright pink fabric that he turned around in his hands, trying to figure out what it was. "And she told me to hold up the gift receipt for you."

When he finally figured out that it was a pair of ladies running shorts, he grimaced. "She's so annoying," he groaned, reaching for the gift receipt, but you quickly chuckled and tore it up. "What are you doing?"

"You're not allowed to return them." You dropped the bits of paper, and he tossed the shorts onto the couch.

"Whose side are you on here?" he asked, peppering your face with kisses. "Don't think for a second I won't just put a jock strap on and run in those shorts."

"I tried to tell her you would," you laughed as he scooped you up. "I kind of want to see it."

"Play your cards right," he murmured, grabbing his keys and taking you out to his Bronco. "Let's pick up dinner."

------------------------------

Your belly was full of spaghetti and meatballs when you managed to sneak away to the tiny laundry room and quickly hand wash your new bra and thong set while Bradley loaded the dishwasher. Nat assured you that he would enjoy this tiny thing, and you were trusting her here. You set both items aside to dry before walking back out to the kitchen.

"You don't have a Christmas tree," you remarked, wishing you'd picked one up today from one of the many parking lots trying to unload them at the last minute.

"I told you I don't really celebrate holidays."

"You're doing a great job of celebrating this one."

He washed his hands and tossed the towel aside. It was barely seven o'clock, but he asked, "You feel like calling it an early night?" You agreed, ready to feel his warmth along your entire body as you fell asleep.

You got undressed and climbed in bed, and he did the same. Bradley's hands were everywhere, but his lips were gentle on your neck and shoulder as he whispered your name. "I love you. It's going to kill me inside when I can't talk to my favorite pen pal. Last time, you had my heart pounding every time you sent me a new email."

Tears stung your eyes in the darkness; you'd done a pretty good job of holding it together all day, but this was going to be your undoing. "I promise, every time you think about me, I'll already be thinking about you, too."

Bradley's arm tightened around you, his thumb stroking your skin, soothing you along with his sweet words as you fell asleep.

When you woke up on Christmas Day, his body was still right behind yours where he belonged, but when you rolled over to look at his handsome face, you knew the hours were going to go by too quickly. "Morning, Gorgeous," he murmured, voice raspy from sleep as he cracked his eyes open. "Let's go see what Santa brought."

You didn't have any other gifts for him, unless you counted your new lingerie which you were saving for later after dinner. And the printer you bought so he could have some photos of you without his phone on the aircraft carrier. But when you got out to the living room, there was an envelope on the coffee table.

"What is it?" you asked cautiously as you picked it up. But your heart melted immediately. It was a gift card for the wine bar in Oceanside.

"There's enough on there for you and Nat to take a few trips up if you like the place."

"The two of you have been plotting, I see," you remarked, taking a deep breath before snuggling up against his chest. "But nothing will beat the horribly expensive bottle of wine I accidentally made you buy on our second date."

Deep laughter rumbled through Bradley's chest as he said, "The look on your face just made me love you more." You groaned thinking about it. "Come on, we've only got one day left and then seven weeks of nothing. Let's make French toast and have sex on the couch and eat Thai food and watch movies."

You wore his sweatshirt around all day, licked maple syrup from his lip and rode him until he was whining for you. The Thai noodles went perfectly with Home Alone. Then you took a shower together and deep conditioned his hair, dragging your nails along his scalp until his eyes closed.

"I'm going to miss this," he whispered after every single thing you did. When you toweled his hair dry, he looked at you with so much emotion. "I'm going to call you as soon as I know what's going on with the Pacific versus Atlantic Fleet. And either way, I'll try to be as patient as I possibly can, but I can't live without you, Baby."

"Bradley."

"Shit. Even the way you say my name makes me ache."

"I want you here with me. I already hate this." A sob escaped your lips without warning. "I want you to come back for Career Day."

The words were barely out of your mouth before he said, "I will be here for Career Day no matter what. Disappointing you is bad enough, but I don't want the eighteen kiddos to miss out on spending the day with their favorite Naval officer."

You laughed. "You're not disappointing me, Bradley. This is just hard, because I love you so much."

If you couldn't see a future with him, this would have been easier. He set you down on the bathroom vanity, and you watched him carefully shave around his mustache, kissing you randomly so you had to wipe shaving cream from your nose, and then he started collecting his toiletries for his duffle bag. He was naked and perfect as you stayed huddled in your towel, wondering if you could even manage to pull off wearing the items that were surely dry now and draped over his laundry room sink.

"Where are you going?" he asked as you ducked past him toward the door.

"Meet me in bed."

You rushed down the hallway and threw your towel in the empty washing machine as you took a minute to touch the pretty lace fabric before sliding the thong up your legs. Next you hooked the bra in place, and it didn't matter if you didn't look perfect, because you felt good. And you wanted him to have this memory.

When you cautiously strolled into the bedroom, Bradley was still naked, laying on top of the bedding, looking at a small piece of paper. "I'm just double checking my packing list, and I..." His gaze shifted to your body, and you did a little turn for him. The paper drifted to the floor as he sat up, his hand coming to rest on his cock. "Come here."

Biting your lip, you did as you were told. Bradley's feet swung over the edge of the bed, coming to rest on the floor as his cock bobbed between his thick thighs. "Here I am," you whispered, standing between his knees with your hands on his shoulders. "Your going away gift."

One strong arm wrapped around you, and you squeaked as he pulled you flush against him. He kissed the rounded tops of your breasts above your new bra, one after the other before looking up at you. "What did I do to deserve this?" he rasped, his nose running along the lace as his fingers tangled in your thong.

Already so turned on, you tried to answer him twice before words came out. "I wanted to give you a proper send off. Something extra special." Then he kissed your furled nipples through the flimsy bra cups and you moaned, "Something to think about when you're lonely."

His fingers were digging into your butt as he grunted. His wide brown eyes were fixed on your face as he parted his lips and sucked on your breast, the black lace wet everywhere now. He was being a little rough, but it felt like he was worshipping you at the same time, and when his lip found your neck, he asked, "Is this little getup new?"

"I bought it yesterday," you gasped as his fingers slipped inside your thong, stroking your wet pussy. "Just for you."

Then you were on your back with your head on the pillow, Bradley's heavy cock resting against your thigh as he hovered over you. "Just for me, huh?" he grunted, biceps flexed as he fought to keep his breathing under control.

You nodded, running your toes up along his calf and thigh until your leg was hooked around his hip, ready to give him whatever he wanted. "Of course it's just for you. I'll wear it again when we meet back in the San Diego airport or in Norfolk. And I'll wear it when you're away and I'm touching myself."

"Fuck," he growled, pulling your panties to the side and running his cock through your wetness before pushing himself so deep inside you that it took your breath away. When you whimpered, his lips crashed against yours as his hands dug beneath you to unhook your bra. "Touch yourself right now." When the flimsy lace ended up on the floor while Bradley fucked you, he guided your right hand to his lips, kissing your fingertips before placing them on your breast. "I want to watch."

Bradley's pupils were wide, lips parted. When you looked down your body as his cock disappeared inside you over and over again, you felt even more turned on. When you ran your fingers along your nipple and up between your bouncing breasts, his eyes followed your every move. "Like this?" you asked, feeling bold as you added your left hand as well.

He gave you a harder thrust. "Exactly like that, Gorgeous. And what are you going to think about when you do?"

"My boyfriend," you managed before his mouth met yours in a deep kiss that only lasted a few seconds. "I'm going to think about my boyfriend. I'll miss you so much."

-----------------------------

Bradley's hips slowed to a gentler pace as he listened to you gasping and panting beneath him. There was no way you'd miss him as much as he'd miss you. He closed his eyes and thought about returning home to your arms in seven weeks and heading back to work in the Pacific Fleet. He hoped you'd appreciate the little surprises he was leaving behind for you. More than anything he wanted you to think about tonight when you got yourself off.

His rough excitement at you in the new lingerie melted into something sweeter as he fucked you with long, languid strokes. Your lips were on his neck and collarbones as he whispered how much he loved you over and over. When you came, it escalated quickly, sudden and loud as he ran his thumb across your clip. He couldn't hold on after that, and he let your body hold him in place with soft squeezes as he caught his breath.

"I have one more thing for you to pack," you whispered, voice ragged as you ran your fingers through his hair.

"I really hope you fit in my duffle," he mused, and you laughed softly.

You kissed his ear and whispered, "I bought a small photo printer since you won't be able to use your phone." He shivered at your words. "You can print out a photo or two of us together... or maybe you want to take a new one right now to print out?"

"Jesus," he grunted, kissing your lips. "You're spoiling me." He reached for his phone on the nightstand and snapped a few pictures of your fucked out face and your body with his cock still buried deep. "I am very spoiled."

When you stood and plugged in the printer with lips puffy from his mustache in just your thong, he couldn't keep his hands off you. He had his photo gallery open on his phone and his arm around your waist as he selected the picture you sent him ages ago with the sun setting behind you. "This one is an absolute necessity. So is this one of us together. I don't think I should take any with me where you're naked, just to be safe," he mused, and you threw your arms around him.

"You'll just have to use your imagination," you told him as the photos printed.

"That'll be easy with this fresh in my mind," he murmured, looking down at your tits pressed to his chest. "I'll be thinking about you nonstop."

Bradley's hold on your body was unrelenting as he dropped the photos into his duffle and led you back to bed. It was getting late, and his flight to Virginia was early. You snuggled up on his chest with a soft smile on your lips. "I hope you do. I hope you think about me constantly and write me notes."

He kissed your forehead. "Not just you... your whole class. Have to keep them interested in aviation. But you're my favorite pen pal."

You laughed and buried your face against his neck, and he could feel your breathing grow a little more ragged as you whispered, "I love you so much. Just be safe. I don't really care if we have to figure out long distance or relocation as long as you're safe, Bradley."

That's how he fell asleep, wrapped up in your arms with your sweet sentiments in his ear. And the next morning, when his alarm went off, he welcomed your tears, because they made him feel like he was important to a woman for the first time in his life. You cried softly as you sat on his lap and went over his packing list with him one more time, and your cheeks were wet as you kissed him.

Bradley let you button up his khaki uniform shirt for him, your fingers shaking as you smoothed down the fabric along his chest. "Thank you, Gorgeous," he whispered, watching helplessly as your face crumbled into more tears.

When he drove the Bronco to the airport, your fingers were linked with his in the silence as the light from the rising sun hit the buildings downtown, promising to bring another perfect day to southern California. His hand tightened around yours, knowing he was going to be flying into so much uncertainty. His voice sounded strangled to his own ears as he parked at the curb under the signage for departing flights. "This is it. I'll text and call you as much as I can when I land before they lock me down, but this is it for seven weeks."

You crawled onto his lap, holding him tight as he kissed you, and now his tears mingled with yours. "I love you, Bradley," you promised, and he believed you as he held you in his arms and climbed down onto the pavement. He pulled his duffle from the backseat and dropped it to the curb as he held you against him, unwilling to leave before he told you a few more things.

"I'll keep myself safe, but you need to do the same. If you need something, you call Natasha right away, okay?" You nodded against him, your fingers digging into his shoulder blades. "My stuff is your stuff, so do whatever you want at the house and with my Bronco. And tell me you love me every day in the journal so I can read about it when I see you."

"I will," you sobbed as he finally set you down. "And I'll be waiting to hear you tell me if it's San Diego or Norfolk."

He swiped your tears away from your cheeks and kissed you one last time before he picked up his bag and headed for the door. When he turned back one last time, you were clutching his car keys and crying. "I love you, Gorgeous."

----------------------------

We'll see how they manage apart. I think she might do a bit better than Bradley will. Thanks @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 20

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[atebyflowers]

cw: smut, oral r!receiving, lover girls, ignore spelling errors ty 🪷

loving after ellie was so hard for some reason, it felt like nobody knew you the way she did — no matter how much you told them. it killed you being in a relationship and still consumed in the thoughts of your past lover, who of course you stayed friends with as the relationship never ended on a bad note. it was overwhelming, and ellie made it worse with her occasional check ins and "are you doing okay!"'s. it wasn't just the sex, though of course ellie was perfect at that too and your new girl couldn't satisfy you...even when you taught her how to eat you out as you reminisced about ellie's natural control initiative even back when you were both inexperienced...

but it was honestly the love in general wirh ellie as well. from the way she touched you to the words she spoke, nothing that your new girlfriend did could ever amount to how ellie made you feel by just being in her presence.

through weeks of intense emotions and frustration with yourself, you let the girl you were with go. it wasn't that you didn't like her, she was a great person and tried her best for you. but you couldn't love her, your mind wouldn't let you, ellie wouldn't let you, and it was unfair to keep her around when you didn't truly love her.

running to ellie right after the breakup was nothing less than spontaneous, acting upon your emotions as you knocked on her apartment door, eyes glossed over from the feelings scattered inside your body. ellie opened the door, letting you in without hesitation, her eyes softening at the sight of yours — "shh... come here" she spoke so softly, her words providing instant comfort as she took you in, guiding you to the couch. sat just an inch away from her, ellie helped you wipe away the tears you had let out before taking you into her embrace. "do you wanna talk?" she whispered, you slightly pulling away and nodding through hiccups. "y-you" is all you managed to get out, ellie's hand rubbing gentle circles on your back as the other hand pushed dampened hair out of your face while you wiped your tears. "hm.. me... tell me" she asked. you, avoiding eye contact as you spoke, let everything out like a broken radio un able to control what song plays. "it's just.. you, everhthing you do, i can't stop thinking about it... nothing satisfies me but you, and i don't mean like... just the sex we had.. everything... it's like, only you can comfort me and make me feel loved.." you take a deep breath at the last sentence, rubbing your hands over your face before ellie gently guided your chin to face her. as your eyes meet, she caresses your face for a moment, eyes locked before broken. "god i sound so stupid" you sigh before leaning your head on her shoulder, her arm following your movement and wrapping around you, caressing your skin. "nothing about you is stupid baby" she reassures, with one hand caressing your arm and the other rubbing up and down the thigh you had draped over her body in the process, you bring one of your hands to meet hers — fingers fidgeting with one another on top of your leg as you studied the feeling of her skin, the shock waves that her touch send through your body — staring for a moment in hopes of catching a real spark.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ you sigh again before shifting yourself closer to her, your practically already on top of her and yet it's still not enough. there's a feeling of desperation on your end, it's almost pathetic how much you crave being near her. "you're a drug" you break the silence just above a whisper, now moving your hand to wrap around the front of her body — your head still rested on her. "are you addicted?" she questions, slightly laughing at herself as she spoke. "in the worst way possible" you answer, "it's like.. i can't love anyone else, like, even if we seperate for decades, even if you dissapear into thin air, my soul craves you" you add on, cringing through your words. "so don't" she instructs, her sudden switch in tone causing you to look up at her like a deer caught in headlights. "don't what?" you breathe out, mouth just inches away from hers as she responds "don't love anyone else". her words wither away any form of hesitation you held, placing your hand on her face; you drag her into a passionate and deep kiss. the desperation taking over as your body naturally moved to straddle her, her hands grabbing your hips as you whimpered into her lips. ellie utilizing every slight distance as an opportunity to slip out words, "missed this- so much- baby" her words made your stomach turn inside out, "need- you so bad ellie" you replied, the friction you felt as you grinded your hips on top of her — sending you overboard.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ without a second thought, she lifts you up and carries you into her bedroom. gently laying you on the bed, she places kisses on your neck as she takes her time with every piece of fabric that falls off of your body — pleasuring you just by brushing her skin against yours. "so .. pretty" she told, lifting off your shirt and placing kisses down your stomach. she was smart, so delicate with the way she touched you and so soft with her words it made your body feel full, her love for you transferring through your bones, filling you up with every contact. toying with your sweatpant string, she hums before trailing them down your legs. els..." you whine out, attempting to move your hand to take off your underwear — ellie softly pushing it back up your side. "shhh baby, gonna do you so good i promise" she whispers, pushing them to the side herself. she uses her finger to tease your clit, the heat between your legs spreading throughout ur entire body as you twitch from her touch. without warning, she slowly inserts two fingers — making sure you can feel as they push deeper inside of you. keeping her fingers steady, she moved up to reach your upper body, placing kisses along your neck as her long fingers pulse in and out of you — ellie increasing her pace with every kiss layer on your body. "g-god els.." you moan into her ear, her expression soft as your words make her own stomach turn. "i'm so close.." you mumble out between whines, ellie's focus indulged in the idea of pleasuring you. her face lifts up from your neck, just inches away from your face — close enough for her to brush the hairs away from your eyes. "el-" you try to let out another sound of desperation before being cut off by her lips connecting yours for a swift moment, before being interrupted verbally. "cum for me baby, missed it so much" she instructs, her voice filled with lust — making it impossible for you to hold back. with only a few more thrusts, you were unwraveling underneath her, her mind filling with satisfaction knowing it was the first time you'd felt like this in months.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ attempting to catch your breathe, overwhelmed once again by the intense satisfaction, ellie is there to enforce the comfort you spent months yearning for from her. "shh angel it's okay i got you" "did so good for me, missed feeling inside you so much" ellie consoles you, her words distracting you from the sensitivity your body feels as she cleans you up. drowsy with butterflies still in your system, ellie lays you down on her chest, petting your head in a eventually sucessful attempt to help you fall asleep. "you're so pretty baby... did so well tonight.. s'like you were made for me" she praised you, sparking one last conversation before night falls. "ellie" your tired voice makes her hesitant before responding, the pounding in her heart increasing so much you can feel it. "hm!" she questions, her hand still continuing to pet your head — everything about you so delicate in ellie's eyes. "thank you... for this" you answer, allowing your eyes to shut as your body gives into her warmth. ellie, unsure of what to say in response at first, kisses the place on your head that her hand had rested. "please don't love anyone else..." she begs, before allowing herself to doze off alongside you. her arms wrapped around your body, the two of your souls eternally entwined with one another.

[hymnsofheresy]

Hello, I hope you're well. If it isn't rude, I'd like to inquire as to how you might go about reconciling your negative feelings with your faith. I've lived a particularly difficult life, and now my health is poor—enough for it to give me all the trauma of an incurable, fatal illness, despite not actually putting me out of my misery—and I don't know how to live anymore, but we all know the only way out is a "sin." I just feel abandoned by God: I did so much trusting and investing in faith so this wouldn't happen, and now that it has, my life has come to an end, without me actually being able to let go of every day. Nobody understands, either, and when I talk about my feelings about religion I'm dismissed (e.g., "you aren't the only person suffering" "God isn't done with you yet" "God doesn't give us more than we can handle). I still feel inclined to turn on a sermon or read my sister's daily devotionals, but I can't face God—I can't *forgive* God and this feels like Hell.

I am so deeply sorry to hear your life is miserable right now. People often give these faith-based platitudes because most of the time they don't know what else to say. They often don't know how unhelpful or insulting they are.

As a Christian, I believe that God is a suffering God. I believe that God isn't some man on a throne making us all suffer as punishment, rather came down on earth to suffer with us. The world is fallen and broken, and all of us suffer, and some suffer more than others (I'd say you have been handed a much worse situation than most).

That being said, I do recommend facing God, whether in anger, frustration, or fear. Come to God with all of those messy burdensome emotions. You don't need to forgive God or thank God for giving you these hardships. The truth is this: you can be angry at God. God is waiting for you no matter what you might feel at the moment.

Hopelessness can be very overwhelming and know that it is not unreasonable to feel this way. I pray the hopelessness is washed away you receive the love and peace that you deserve despite the suffering.

[evilwickedme]

I just. Ugh. Oh my God. The fucking PARALLELS this season of Good Omens. Y'all know I'm an absolute fool for a good parallel, so to get so many? I'm so well fed today

Crowley and Azira are like, the definition of soulmates of the kind that are made, you know? Like there is no one single other being in the whole of Creation that shares even a fraction of the same experiences. Six thousand years in the making, this ship is - even more according to this season !!! And YET, they are absolutely brand new. They've never been in a romantic relationship - not with each other, not with anyone - and as Crowley pointed out, they've essentially just gotten out of toxic relationships with Heaven and Hell. Except like, not really? Because we see Crowley really got out Heaven so heavily traumatized he never really put all that much stock into Hell. Yeah, Hell might've still been abusive, but Crowley was halfway out the door the whole time. Azira, tho... He still buys into all of it. He's technically out the door, but he hasn't done any of the deprogramming you need to do in order to move on (I feel like I'm mixing my metaphors a little by using cult-related languages, but also abusive relationships are essentially two person cults, so)

And this season sets this dynamic up so perfectly with Nina and Maggie!!!!! And we're supposed to think that Nina is Crowley because she's dark and broody and Maggie is Azira cause she's frankly precious but really it's the other way around and it's Nina who finishes the season being like "I can't be in a relationship right now because I still need to work on myself having just ended an incredibly toxic relationship" and it's just. Nina and Maggie don't end the season together because that's not what they need right now and bc of that they might still be able to be together later, but Crowley and Azira hold onto each other SO DAMN HARD that they end up losing each other SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE AZIRA CAN'T DO THAT SAME THING OF UNPACKING HIS BASE ASSUMPTIONS it's like leaving a cult cause they were mean to you once but still buying into the new agey stuff they used to love bomb you into joining the cult in the first place

And so that's the relationship part of things but also we've got like soo many parallels showing how broken the system is in the first place and obviously ineffable bureaucracy is what stands out here because of the literal lines coming out of various characters' mouths during this plotline but can we talk about how heavily brainwashed Muriel is and how clearly they're supposed to be exactly like a young Aziraphale, one who doesn't "have" Crowley yet!!! Like tell me that if you gave Muriel a fiery sword and told them to watch over the first ever pregnant couple in history they wouldn't give them that Goddamn sword. Nobody on either side is capable of questioning their position in life without exposure to Something Else, but it doesn't have to be like, the being you're going to run off to alpha centauri with. It could very much be a copy of The Crow Road

(sidenote, has anybody read this book? It seems like an incredibly deliberate choice but I've never heard of it! I think I might send in an ask to Neil Gaiman himself if I don't see any meta soon)

Anyway yeah um. I don't know how to end this. Parallels and shadow selves fuck (double entendre)

[fivekrystalpetals]

I haven't really written anything about Noise but Retrace 97 compelled me to write something about her because, by god, of all characters, Noise died the loneliest death ;-;

Break died surrounded by his friends and family. Oscar died after seeing off his kids. Even Fang got a chance to apologize to his family as he was dying. (Elliot's is another matter--but at the least, he got a conclusive death. He wanted to be the one to crack the mystery of his family's serial killing which he did and he died next to his best friend and his big brother. His death continued to be grieved by people who cared about him up until the end.)

But Noise? Yes, Oz was there while her body was breaking apart but..... he was not there for Noise--he was there for Echo. And, Ada came all the way into the Past Sablier to be there for Vincent.

But... Noise.....??

to be honest, isn't that how it's always been? Right from the beginning, nobody was ever there for Noise... this poor girl who became an anomaly because she couldn't control her chain properly, who became a Baskerville but could neither fully become one nor return to being a human either, who couldn't even sleep because her chain might take control of her body and go on a rampage, who was locked up in an underground cellar, this girl who forgot her own name because her mind was so Noisy...

In spite of all her suffering, she still used to have a kind heart before she lost all sense of self. She still looked out for Vincent in whatever way she could:

You can actually feel the loneliness radiating off her in this panel; she doesn't feel included anywhere--she is still in the dark while Vincent has been pulled out into the light by his new friends.

Yes, it is toxic of her wanting to keep Vincent to herself and trying to kill him as soon as he finds new friends in a if-I-can't-have-you-then-no-one-can way.... but both her heart as well as her mind were already completely broken at this point. All she remembers is that slight feeling of protectiveness that got twisted to being possessive over him; she wanted to continue taking care of him in her own way even if she forgot what their original relationship was like.

I actually wanted to talk about this panel too (Retrace 91):

(Let me just set aside the context that Noise is actively trying to kill Ada and Ada is trying to buy time by talking because I want to talk about their words.)

Noise says Ada shouldn't pretend like she knows everything about Vincent and Noise, which is true in a way.... Because, you see, and as much as I love Ada, I still have to admit Ada is selective in what she is trying to figure out. She wants to know more about Vincent, not Noise. She doesn't know (and probably never will) that Noise was once a good onee-san to Vincent and his only true friend when he was surrounded by manipulative adults. So, I don't think Ada is the best person to give an opinion about Noise and Vincent's history when she hardly knows anything about them?

Again, I agree with what she says. Not knowing everything is not a crime, you can always learn things later on; yes, it's true but this line:

You're being criminal by being judgemental without even trying to understand!!

--honestly, applies to Ada too? Because Ada is also being judgemental about Noise without understanding her at all. Ada (and Oz and others too, for that matter) believe that Echo is the 'kind' personality while Noise is the mindless killer personality that takes over Echo.

When, in fact, it's the other way round. It's because of the power of the Abyss (and so, indirectly her chain) that Noise started losing her mind in the first place. Her mind was filled with so much noise that she feared and had dreams of turning into a monster (idk if her mental deterioration was already present before her contract) but I do know Doldum/Duldee (Echos) was only making the matter worse. Yes, all the Echos tried to protect her heart by preserving some of her memories bit by bit but.... wasn't it also because of the chain from the Abyss that she has been suffering all along?

See, again, Ada doesn't grasp the full essence of Noise's words. Of course, she has no way of knowing unless Noise tells her but...

Noise doesn't mean here that Vincent and Noise are different because they are Baskervilles. No, she means they are different because they are the only ones who are not 'proper' Baskervilles, who are cast out from being both human and Baskerville, who are not included anywhere.

Noise was an anomaly because of her weakness to the Abyss and her inability to control her own chain. Vincent was an anomaly because he was a child of ill-omen (something that doesn't exist in Ada's timeline). And those are his words Noise repeats that since both of them were aberrations, it won't be wrong if they stayed together because then, for each other, they can be 'normal'.

Ada is really missing a huge chunk of context here. I agree wholeheartedly that Ada will accept him even if he is a Baskerville and a Child of Misfortune because she is a kind soul, she is gonna accept and forgive Vincent no matter what.

But I am not talking about Ada and Vincent here, but about Noise. The point here is that Ada doesn't understand where Noise is coming from. For Noise, Vincent was the only way she could feel 'normal', among humans or Baskervilles. She heavily related to him, she latched onto him as the only one who could understand her, she did everything, became everything Vincent asked of her; at her heart, Noise, like every character in this story, just does not want to be lonely anymore.

This panel actually made me feel so bad for Noise. Time and again, Ada stands up for Vincent, Oz stands up for Echo, but who stands up for Noise?

(btw, please don't take this in a wrong way. I love Oz and Ada, and I am genuinely amazed and touched at that they can still distinguish Echo from Noise, sympathize with Echo for being an unwilling accomplice and bear no grudge against her in spite of Noise having a major hand in Uncle Oscar's death.

I am just trying to look at the story from Noise's perspective and doing that makes me realize that most of the major characters have no idea what Noise really was like. heck, even Noise didn't know at the time of Retrace 91; she remembers the truth only at the time of her death (Retrace 97).

Because Noise, too, once was a sweet, caring soul just like the present and last Echo (Eko-chan, I will refer to her as that to differentiate her from other Echos). Bit-by-bit, Noise lost all she knew about herself the longer she used her chain and created more Echos. As I said, both Oz and Ada are judging her from what they see before their eyes, not knowing how shattered and sick her mind is at the moment. I can't blame them ofc because that's what I too might have to do when the person before me is actively trying to kill me,, but knowing the context and her backstory, her presence in the story exudes so much loneliness.)

See, you can feel the despair and tiredness already seeping into her. She starts to lash out and reject people around her, even those who care about her to some extent; she doesn't even know what she wants anymore.

She wants to meet Vincent to, she believes, kill him because he is not hers anymore. But what I think is she subconsciously still possesses the protectiveness of a big sister and knows Vincent is in trouble, that's why she wants to go after him to make sure he is okay.

She says the same here (Retrace 97):

...I've had enough. I'm already so tired...

You know, what's even sadder? Eko is not a different person. Taking away the context of a chain and the fantasy surrounding it, she is simply a personality created by the weak-minded Noise to take on her unbearable suffering (like Split Personality (DID) patients do). So when Eko says:

--and asks her to remember herself, Noise is, in fact, in a way, talking to herself. It's the last sane part of her mind that's realized that her body can't hold out longer, and talks to the shattered, tired and lonely part of her, tries to recoup some of her memories so she doesn't end up doing something she'd regret, like killing her only friend and so that she gets a proper closure in death.

To say, Noise has no one but her imaginary self to console and hold her during her final moments. She died as lonely as she lived. I am happy Echo dies in Oz's arms, but....Noise? ;_;

Annnnd, even in the Happy Ending that the author gave us--the Everyone lives/No one dies one from Retrace 104-- where is the original personality of Noise? 😭

(how I wanted to see a normal interaction between Zwei, Gil and Oz; her teasing Oz, "Echo is shy to come out and meet you, so you just have to deal with me today 😈")

Further, about Vincent and Noise--

Something Noise says about Ada (Retrace 91):

Vincent got close to you only to take advantage of you.... You were so carefree…so stupid!

Actually, her words apply to herself as well. Vincent was only using Noise as a tool to his cause because he thought she was a stupid girl who would listen to his every word.

But my question is: does he even remember Noise as that onee-san who used to look out for him? Did he know it and choose to forget? Or, did he really forget? He was even the one who gave her the nickname after she forgot her own. Is it possible he forgot who Noise was to him whereas he remembers even the traumatic events of Sablier (something Gil misplaced his memories of)? Or, did he purposely suppress his good memories so he can recall his days as a Baskerville as being full of pain so that it makes his planned death easier for him?

I don't know but there is an equal chance of him genuinely forgetting who Noise was to him and him knowing everything yet acting like he didn't. If the latter, it's totally messed up on his part. Because Noise forgetting herself doesn't mean Vincent can distort their original relationship? How could he cross the boundary and do what he pleases to a broken, amnesiac girl who used to be his big-sister-like figure once?

This is the reason I am kind of skeptical about Ada saying she would forgive Vincent for everything. Offering him forgiveness for his past mistakes that he committed as a misguided, manipulated child is perfectly alright; but his deeds as an adult? Sorry but Ada doesn't even know half the picture of what Vincent really is like.

Either way, her last thoughts for Ada and Vincent were so sweet and makes me wish she was around, at least, in the Alternate Ending as the cool big sister for the kids.

Another heart-breaking line:

I never wanted to hurt him. Not even if there was no place for me at his side

Why does everything have to be a love triangle? Why can't everyone be a huge fun found family so that nobody feels left out and lonely? I wonder what Noise would be like when she is not in captivity or despair-fuelled-killing-spree. I feel like she would be feisty and sharp-witted, a complete opposite of the shy Echo, and would be going around trolling and teasing the kids lol

Ending this with the panel here, because in spite of their rocky relationship, chatting with Vincent were the few times Noise genuinely smiled ;-;

[chounaifu]

What does your muse think of mine?

@reiketsui :

we don't talk about it. that had been the first line of the wordless pact defining this situationship from the start. as long as everything was kept inside locked doors, there was nothing there that could keep me awake at night. no dead body to bury under the floorboards of the hotel room where we take each other apart – no pretending like we don't see the single bullet shot on its forehead. it turned from a simple convenience to a dizzying inconvenience, from nuisance to a blessing, from nonchalance to obsession that burns like molten lava in my veins. we both know it's here, yet it's never talked about. would ignorance be a bliss? it's difficult to recognize the person i become with you. i fear one night i will say it without thinking. i can imagine the scenario. you drop by unannounced again, and we end up in bed tangled in each other's arms. i'm foolish enough to let go of yet another inhibition, only to realize there isn't any left. suddenly, the restraint isn't there, and i should be horrified by the realization. instead, i take the only chance i get in this lifetime. i love you. i love you. i love you. but you already know.

You fucking idiot.

You stupid fucking bastard.

You've ruined me in ways that I would allow again and again. You've made it impossible to hide around you; there's nothing that you don't know about me, you understand every inch of my body and my psyche so intimately, it makes me feel sick to my stomach at times.

Sick because, I constantly wonder if you will continue to dig through my cranium until you are eroded by the same ichor that drips from it. You scold me for having no self-preservation instinct, but it was you who was ready to lay your life down for all of us on that suicide mission in Goldenrod.

I hate how much you force me to worry about mortality.

You were an unmoving, unshakable entity made of ice, far from human, feeling NOTHING, indestructible, until I saw you plugged into the same machines that kept me alive in the infirmary. I can't stand to look at almost any psychic type now because of that incident. You're mortal, you're physically mortal even though my brain assigned the role of 'god' when I decided that I hated you, and that scares me, because mortal men can die. And if you lose your life, that means I've failed to protect you. That means I've broken my promise.

You know the one.

Or maybe you were too delirious and over-exhausted to remember what I told you when you were crumbled against your desk. It'd been days since you'd seen sunlight. Did you think you didn't deserve to feel it on your skin until you punished yourself for every mistake you didn't actually make? I hate that you make me worry so god damn much.

It's not that I don't think you can handle yourself.

It's that I can't handle the thought of you dropping dead if I have anything to say about it.

Because nobody else gets me like you.

Nobody else knows me like you.

You saw me become a fucking monster and it brought you closer to me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Don't you realize I could kill you?

Don't you realize how badly I wanted to for so long?

Because if I took your last breathe myself, nobody else would have the privilege. Nobody else would be able to hurt you. Nobody else would force you to be Atlas ever again.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I'd kill for you.

You're mine.

Don't leave me.

[almost-correct-quotes]

lyrics that remind me of dion and kane / their plotline <3

if there's no character specified it's either about them together or the plotline in general

it's tumblr, so the colors are messed up but you get what im trying to do its supposed to be aesthetic

Dion: Turn and Go - {Parentheses}

When the night is turning sour Due to the lateness of the hour Doesn't mean it has to end Just turn and go You just need a change of scene Somewhere happy, somewhere green You don't have to be alone Just turn and go

I announce that I am leaving, no one seems to care No one even takes a second glance But I am with the people that I love the most And that's always more fun without a plan

Dion: Lying in the Middle - Spence Hood

Why should I make up my mind Just to change it overnight What a magnificent way to waste my time You know I would rather live my life Rife with riddles Lying in the middle of the Kinsey scale The world’s a buffet and I came to get my fill

Dion: Doing This Again! - Bears in Trees

I hope I'll be resilient I hope to be brave in the face of another family cancer My mother 'cites a rosary downstairs But lord, these blessed words fail me

Love Takes Time - Philip Labes

It takes more than some roses, for roots to intertwine To open up the doors to your interior design Sneaking in the baggage, that we couldn't leave behind

Saint Bernard - Lincoln

When I'm dead, I won't join their ranks 'Cause they are both holy and free (…) Make me love myself, so that I might love you Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to God When I said it, it was true

Paul Revere - Noah Kahan

One day, I'm gonna cut it clear Ride like Paul Revere And, when they ask me who I am I'll say, "I'm not from around here"

I'll leave before the road crew's out Before those joggers, looking way too proud And I'll turn up the music and I'll forget Until it ends, that I'm not ready to let go yet

How I Survived Bobby Mackey's Personal Hell - Lincoln

Well, if there’s one thing that I'm sure of It’s that I think too much about shit that doesn’t matter And I don’t think enough about things that make a difference

You left some holes in the plotline I left some holes in your clothes And we can argue semantics over who left who first

Dion: Downhill - Lincoln

I went downhill at such steep incline That my rearview mirror showed me only the sky And I laughed about it all night

And I said “Hey man, isn’t it poetic That the sky is what we leave behind?” Because I was born into the world on a silken cloud And I got bored of the world before I hit the ground

From Eden - Hozier

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me, I should know

There's something broken about this But I might be hoping about this Oh, what a sin

Out of Time - Philip Labes

Tick, tick, tick goes any good thing Forever is a diamond lie We can't stop the clock, so let's just talk Until our heartbeats rhyme Until we're out of time (...) And if you believe that fate brought us together Then you must believe that it tore us apart But I do not believe That we live in a machine I think the ticking that you're hearing is a heart

Kane: Is It Honor That I Want? - Sushi Soucy (it's LITERALLY him. screaming)

I know the guidelines That I've lived by my whole life So well that I could sing them Be a good kid, be a good brother Be a good son, be a good loyal servant to the kingdom

Why am I so confused? I have everything I want Yet it feels like I have nothing left to lose Is the world really falling to pieces? Do we really have to iron out the creases? Have I been told my whole life something that isn't true? Because I really have no idea what to do

I curse the heavens up above Is it really honor that I want Or is it love?

The Title Track - Origami Angel

Sometimes it gets hard to be alive And you know that better than I do Better than I do Sometimes you need somewhere else to go Somewhere that nobody can find you No one will find you

But if you wanna be somewhere you don't have to be alone Or distraught or anything at all Baby, you don't have to be, pack all your things And we'll move to Somewhere City If you want to be someone that you never have to hide Or keep bottled up on the inside Baby, you can set it free, just come with me And I'll show you Somewhere City's waiting for you

Dion: Re-Do - Modern Baseball (i have to put mobo on every single playlist somewhere soz)

I wanna start from the top Maybe like a do-over Replace the voices in my head With blind innocence

I want a complete re-do Maybe change my name Report the losses, grab the claim "It's a shame, it's such a shame"

Kane: Stick Season - Noah Kahan

As you promised me that I was more than all the miles combined You must've had yourself a change of heart like halfway through the drive Because your voice trailed off exactly as you passed my exit sign Kept on drivin' straight and left our future to the right

[tarastabz]

-The party

(Based on what i think would've happened if Bailey didn't kill Jason and Gregg)

"Hey Bitch it's Tara, why aren't you texting me?"

This is the- actually, Sam has no idea how many times she has already tried to reach Tara, but the only thing she hears is that stupid registered voice.

Sam is angry, angry at Quinn for not stopping Tara, angry at Chad and Mindy for supporting Tara into going to that Party, and she's angry- scratch that- she's furious at Tara for being so goddamn stubborn.

But she won't be getting out of this easily, Tara is going to have the worst 10 minutes of her all life. She's going to listen to her big sister, whether she likes it or not.

I mean- She's in charge, and she's the only grown-up person in Tara's life right now. She can't be doing whatever she wants just because she's 20.

She's still her little sister. Tara could be 40, and that still wouldn't make her worry any less about her.

She understands Tara, she really does. She just wants to be a normal college student doing stupid things and then regretting them later. Sam has done those things too, but she had nobody stopping her. But Tara has Sam, and she's not gonna let her sister ruin her all life just because she made some dumb decisions.

Was it really necessary to go to a frat party? During Halloween? And in a city like New York where people get stabbed every minute?

Sam is getting anxious by every minute it passes without hearing from Tara. She's almost at the place the party was held. It's gonna be okay, Tara is probably just having fun and ignoring her as usual. This is what Sam keeps repeating to herself like a broken record.

God, she really hopes this time she's wrong and it's just a normal shitty party with drunk and horny teenagers.

Drunk.

Sam didn't think about the possibility of Tara drinking alcohol. I mean- of course, she knows that Tara is not an angel, but what if Mindy and Chad are not supervising her like they should?

Or what if Tara got lost?

Or what if a random dude is trying to take advantage of her? It happened once too many times to Sam when she was drunk, but even then, she was strong, Tara is fragile and small...

Oh.

This should be the place. Why is the police here? And an ambulance too?

Tara.

She has to find Tara.

"Miss, you can't go inside, 4 people got murdered" Murdered? NO no no Please let her be wrong Please. "Let me in, my sister was at this party" sam was trying to push the officer off of her

"Let her go, i know her" the officer that was previously holding her loosened the grip he had on her arm. "Officer Bailey, Tara- Tara was here, you need to let me-"

"Tara is in the ambulance getting a few stitches, she's fine, don't worry, i'll take you to her" ambulance? Stitches? "Your sister got stabbed on the arm, i told you already, it's nothing major, but she's a little bit shaken up" Sam was only half-listening to Bailey, she just wants to see Tara.

"Sam" she didn't even have time to react before feeling a small body wrapping itself in her arms, her sister's body was shaking with sobs.

Remember the talk Sam was supposed to give Tara? Yeah- that's not gonna happen, not when she looks so small and scared.

"I'm sorry- i'm so sorry Sam, you were right i- i- should've listened to you- i'm sorry please don't be mad at me" Mad? How could Sam be mad at her? This isn't her fault. Yes, Tara shouldn't have come to this fucking party but no one could've predicted something like this was going to happen, again.

Sam just holds onto her tighter, slightly caressing her hair, "it's okay, i'm here, i need you to calm down and take a deep breath for me, baby."

Tara buried herself deeper into Sam's body, slowly feeling her body relax.

"Are you angry?" Tara's voice sounds so small, Sam just wants to take her into her arms and shield her from the entire world "Yes, but not at you. Never at you"

Tara pushed herself off of Sam enough to be able to look at her in the eyes "you're not going to leav- nevermind"

Leave. Tara was going to say leave. She thought she would abandon her again

Sam closed the distance between them and held Tara like she was going to vanish into thin air.

Tara didn't need an answer, this was enough. Sam was not leaving her. She promised her last year, and she's keeping her promise now.

Tara was home.

"i'm so happy you're here" "for you always."

[squarebracketsmileyface]

A Pearl by Mitski is kinda post Jaylex into Jam territory if you think about it.

Hello? Mind reader?? You are so correct???

This is even better mind reading because of what I was writing like right before I remembered i had this ask and wanted to answer it and shit. Like???? This is very much post Jaylex and into Jam, BUT it is also post Jaylex the first time they "broke up" oh my god.

Hang on, I'll explain it with the lyrics lol

Lyric analysis time because for some reason this is like my favourite thing to do when I wanna think about sorry its locked but can't actually write it for whatever reason.

You're growing tired of me You love me so hard and I still can't sleep You're growing tired of me And all the things I don't talk about

SO ABOUT THAT POST JAYLEX'S FIRST 'BREAK UP' ehehhehehehehehheheh. Right, so, after Alex started dating Amy in college, Jay did (eventually) start trying to, like, date and have sex with other people. He never really managed to date anyone, it was always just not-quite-actually-casual casual sex. And they always ended up getting tired of Jay, because they were trying their best and he was hung up on Alex still (and would be for the next rest-of-his-life) And Jay never actually talked to them about why he was the way he way, just learned to warn them ahead of time to try and scare them away so that he wouldn't end up getting hurt when they inevitably got too upset with him over something and broke it off with him.

And, obviously. Yeah, Jam. Jay's so worried that the same thing that happened with Alex and all the other people is gonna happen with Tim, and if it did it'd probably break him even worse than Alex did, honestly. Purely because the stuff with Tim would stack on top of the stuff with Alex and they'd become one thing and Jay would just not know how to deal with that literally at all.

Sorry, I don't want your touch It's not that I don't want you Sorry, I can't take your touch

Pre first Jaylex break up. Yeah. One of the reasons Jay got broken up with by at least one person was that they were meant to behaving casual sex, and Jay went through a period of time where he just, really really couldn't. Which like, fair, and fair i guess for the person being like, yeah i'll go find someone else to have sex with. but also they did it in a nasty way so never mind, fuck them lmao. (I just love putting Jay through shit lmao, I'm so sorry to that poor guy, I need to write a lil fluffy oneshot of him and Tim just being okay)

It's just that I fell in love with a war Nobody told me it ended And it left a pearl in my head And I roll it around every night Just to watch it glow Every night, baby, that's where I go

Ow. Just. Ow.

Cos, yeah, Jay did. He really, really did fall in love with a war didn't he? That whole relationship with Alex was just this constant series of battles with himself and his feelings for Alex, and battles with Alex himself because of how he treated Jay and how Jay wanted to be treated. And his brain can't fully comprehend that Tim's not going to just be the exact same as everyone else, the exact same as Alex. And the thing is that Tim IS going to be different, but they're not going to have enough time for Jay's head to actually wrap itself around that so that he can believe it.

And obviously, they never could get enough time, because of all the shit with the operator, but Tim at least is holding out hope that they'll both survive is and they'll get the time afterwards.

Sorry, I don't want your touch It's not that I don't want you Sorry, I can't take your touch

Jay's so scared that having issues with intimacy is gonna fuck up his chances with Tim, but it wont. Logically he knows it wont (and I refuse to make them angsty enough that Jay wouldn't bother to say no if he didn't wanna do something) but there is still this little part of his head that says that if he goes too long not wanting to have sex, it'll somehow fuck something up.

There's a hole that you fill You fill, you fill

Also I fully intend for Jay to be very unhealthy about Tim :] Just like he was very unhealthy about Alex (especially back in college)

Poor guy's gonna fucking idolize Tim once he realizes Tim really really actually likes him. Which, y'know. Not good. Thankfully Jay's lil eventual obsession or whatever it is (idk, a hyperfixation on a person? that's what I called it. Basically, pretty much every waking thought Jay has is somehow about Tim/reminds him of Tim, if Tim is even slightly in a bad mood Jay assumes it's because of him and gets viciously terrified that Tim's going to leave him and hate him forever, he'd accept any kind of 'penance' or punishment from Tim for whatever he did wrong, if anything bad happens to Tim Jay get's violently enraged and wants to 'fix it' the quickest way possible, etc. He basically feels like Tim is perfect and he can't live without him. idk if that makes sense? I'm tired and never figured out what the fuck this thingy is, but i'm giving it to Jay)

Tim is Jay's missing piece, and Jay's going to hack at his own edges to make sure that Tim fits him, just like he did back in college to try and make Alex fit him.

He's just made up of pieces of himself and other people that he sawed off and cobbled together to make sure that the person he was in love with would perfectly 'complete' and 'fix' him.

But it's just that I fell in love with a war And nobody told me it ended And it left a pearl in my head And I roll it around every night Just to watch it glow Every night, baby, that's where I go Just to watch it glow

goddamnit now i wanna plan a fic to dive into Tim and Jay's relationship after sorry its locked and before Jay dies, just so I can make Jay not okay and Tim not okay, but their brand of not okay works well enough for the short amount of time they have together. If Jay lived they'd have the worlds messiest break up oh my god lmao.

why do i torture them like this?

[actuallycassidyiambusy]

I know u don't talk too much about ur original work on this blog, but I've seen the posts where u do and I am so intrigued.

Who is ur favorite OC to write in ur Helpless series? If u have one😊

I'll happily talk about it if asked! My favorite?

Blake Stahller. Easy.

Let me tell you, this man is 𝐓𝐎𝐗𝐈𝐂 toxic. A kiss you and stab you in the stomach at the same time kind of man. A make you suck on the barrel of his gun before he kills you brand of toxic.

A red flag with green hair.

My BPD and NPD king.

Brooklyn badass that will shove his fingers in your eyes if you look at him funny.

Black blooded demon with an extremely short fuse and drinking problem.

He makes his first appearance in book one. He comes off as rough, slick tongued and foul mouthed. Despite his rocky exterior, Blake is as loyal as they come. That is if you're lucky enough to earn his loyalty. He has a very dominant personality. He's extremely antagonistic.

A few small things about Blake is that he was raised by his hard headed, Italian mother. He knows Italian very well and sometimes lets it slip when he's pissed off or flustered. He's openly pansexual and makes a habit of flirting with others. It's like a sport to him. Nothing really sticks with him romance wise. No one can catch his eye long enough.

Except a spitfire blonde boy named Zeke who hits back. Blake just can't seem to shake the brat and it really pisses him off🤭 though he can't deny how much he craves the struggle and aggression that Zeke brings to the table. The only scar he has is the one given to him by Zeke with a broken bottle🥴

Blake is extremely explosive and his only outlets are violence and sex. More than often at the same time. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is a cuss word or insult. He's not easy to get along with and nobody has been able to tear down his walls, and let me tell you, there's some serious trauma behind those bricks. He's from Brooklyn, NY and is known as a vicious gang leader. He runs some of the biggest underground organizations all through the state and across the country. He's clever and he's terrifying.

Blake is also open about his intentions. He won't lie to you. If he wants to fuck you, he'll say so. If he wants to kill you, it was nice knowing you. If he wants you to work for him, you'll see a charismatic side that will lure you in. If he wants to fight, he'll throw the first and last punch.

He doesn't take disrespect or stupidity lightly. You might as well have spit on his boot if you cross him. He's cut off people's hands, scalped them, tortured and humiliated them, burned their eyes with a cigarette. His interrogation skills are impeccable.

You can't touch what's his. God help you if you steal from him or attack one of his men. There are only two things exempt from his rage. Kids and animals. He'll respect a woman if she respects him. Plain and simple. You can't tell him what to do or how to act because you're "not his fuckin' mother."

It's why he's my favorite to write. His character has so many possibilities. There are tons of layers to this character and each one is more interesting than the last. I can go down any road with him and just be like "that's Blake" he's that unpredictable and wild. He doesn't give a shit how big and bad an opponent is, he will always find a way to come out on top.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #212

Have you ever seen a cougar in the wild? No, thank god. They don't even live here.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Like, months ago.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? Quite a few.

Who’s your favourite person? Girt.

Are you more of a cat or dog person? Cat.

What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve ever received? It's not appropriate so we're not talking about it lmao

Who is someone you really admire? Mark Fischbach.

Do you prefer piano or guitar music? Electric guitar.

Are you good at using Photoshop? I'm decent.

What were you last embarrassed about? My social awkwardness when I was trying to order a burger at this place in Charlotte. I was just getting over being overwhelmed and stuff, and the menu kinda confused me, so I made a fool of myself. Idk how in the world Girt managed to not just walk the fuck away from me lmao

Are there any clothing items you really want but can’t find? I've wanted a black, studded leather jacket since I was a teenager.

What’s a habit you find gross? Biting toenails. I was floored when I learned people even did it.

Are you a hat person? No.

Has anyone ever approached you in the street and asked to take your picture? No.

What color hair did your first crush have? Brown.

Have you ever had a professional make-over? No.

Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? Not for just myself. Family stuff, though.

What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? "Nobody's Home"

Do you have any embarrassing health issues? I have IBS, yes. Hyperhidrosis is also very embarrassing because you look like you dove into a pool after being outside in mild heat for five minutes.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes, the second time I had to go for my asthma. I don't think I'd properly reached asthma attack territory, but it was mighty fuckin' close.

Have you ever gotten sick in the car? No.

How many teeth do you have? Idk, however many you're supposed to have without wisdom teeth.

Have you ever cussed someone out? I remember doing this to my sister's abusive boyfriend she had in high school. I feel like this has probably happened with another or two.

Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? No.

Have you ever broken a really important promise? Well, I did promise to keep Sara's disgusting political compass a secret. So yes, I eventually broke that.

Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? ^ yes. There was no way to ban her from the RP forum without explaining it to our mutual friends/RP partners, I'm sure.

Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? Yes, I had problems with this as a teenager, and it happened a few times in my early 20s.

Have you ever eaten any type of insect? No.

What’s a hobby you would like to try out? Herping.

Have you ever won a raffle? If so, what’ve you won? Yes, this is how I won two rare and limited pieces of Silent Hill: Revelation merch.

What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? Probably some sort of beetle.

How about the biggest spider? A bird-eating tarantula when I was at the NARBC with Sara. The insane thing is I think the guy whose booth it was might have been the YouTuber who GOT me into tarantulas (The Tarantula Collective) lmfao, I just can't remember for sure. They definitely at least looked similar.

Is your room covered in posters, or pretty bare? As of only a few days ago, they're almost completely bare now. I'm redecorating in there. I'm leaving most posters behind.

Would you ever consider being a cannibal? Strong no.

Do you collect anything valuable? No.

What was the last thing you killed? Most likely an ant.

Who is your favorite female celebrity? Hm... I guess either Gab Smolders or tarantula kat. It's strange, all celebs I've been wildly invested in were/are men lmao

What’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? "Bloody Mary"

Would you date the same sex? Why or why not? Yes, and I have before, I'm pansexual.

If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them? Nope, you've got one shot.

Obsessions? Meerkats have been my longest-lasting and most well-known, but online I'm also very open about my extreme Rammstein hyperfixation (I say "online" because irl I am very embarrassed by being someone who hyperfixates and I don't like sharing), the Silent Hill franchise, watching YouTube, tarantulas...

Addictions? Technology, specifically the Internet. I barely know how to exist without it, and it's sad. I'm aware I'm also addicted to soda, albeit this is an addiction I'm more capable of actually fighting, but I still have a few bottles (not two-liters, don't be mistaken) a week.

What are your #1 priorities in life? My happiness, health (mental and physical), maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships, and trying to figure out my purpose and what I want to live for (this includes working towards a career of some sort).

Have you ever dated a redhead? No.

List three of your favorite types of YouTube videos to watch. Let's plays, reptile and tarantula collectors' care-type videos, herping.

What is the name of your YouTube channel, if you have one? 0zzkat (it’s a zero because with an "o" was somehow already taken boooooooo).

How old were you the first time you encountered God? God was forced on me from birth (I was baptized, so quite literally).

Any upcoming travel plans? I'm probably going BACK to Charlotte next weekend because Girt's picking up a really nice exercise bike Javier has for sale, so he has to pick that up because shipping would be like, $500. The bike is rather small so would fit into Girt's bedroom, and he plans on facing it towards his TV so he can just be on the bike while watching YouTube.

What are you reading currently? Nothing right now; I recently finished the Omen of the Stars arc in the Warriors series, so now I need to order the next arc.

What’s the first concert you attended? Alice Cooper.

Where do you most hope to visit? The KMP grounds in South Africa.

For what would you be famous? I feel that I'm most CAPABLE of being famous for my writing, but I WANT to be well-known for my photography, at least in the photography community; truly "famous" photographers are extremely few and far between.

When did you last cry? And why, if you feel like sharing. Last night. I had an anxiety attack.

What fictional character/s remind you of yourself? Clearsight from Wings of Fire is a strong one.

What would you like to tell your father? I wish you were better when I was growing up.

What would you like to tell your mother? Thank you for literally everything you do.

What is something you have no patience for? Jokes about rape or other extremely serious, harmful things.

How many cats do you have? One. I'd like one more, but.

How many dogs do you have? One.

How many other pets do you have? One: a champagne morph ball python.

How many of your grandparents are still alive? None.

Have you ever been flipped off by a random stranger? Yes, when I was driving one day. My mom was absolutely seething, she reached her arm out of the window and did it right back.

Does everyone in your family know your sexual orientation? I don't think everyone does.

Would you ever want to go back to school? So... as of extremely recently I am considering going back for some sort of writing degree. I don't want to be an author, I just feel like a degree in my strongest skill might come in handy for getting SOME sort of job in writing.

If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair? shrug

What is the wallpaper on your cell phone? Lock screen is this gorgeous artwork featuring a skull with flowers, butterflies, and bees, and my home screen is another piece of artwork that's a simplistic monarch butterfly texture.

What do you have handy at your bedside? Two lamps (only one is usually on, my little moon one, but the bigger one is for if I need more light), sometimes my phone, the remote for my moon lamp (it can change colors), and whatever book I'm reading.

When did you last sing to yourself? When I was otw home from Charlotte with Girt.

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Healing from my trauma with Jason, I think. I could say still being alive, because boy have I wanted to kill myself plenty of times, but in a way I feel like healing from Jason was even harder. A big reason I'm still alive is because I was just too afraid of the experience of killing myself, so like... surviving was the only option.

What is your opinion on brown eyes? Do not get me wrong, brown eyes can be beautiful, especially in the light. However, it is my least favorite human eye color.

Would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? The child of both.

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? Explain. I fucking love them and I'm so glad humans conceived the idea for both. Both can be a method of self-expression, and especially for me, making you enjoy your body more.

Talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. Ozzy Osbourne. He was my bait into metal music, and his music has comforted me since I was a pre-teen, and continues to do so to this day. His music makes me feel warm, and it feels like home to me.

The world is listening. Pick one sentence you would tell them. For right this very minute? Free Palestine. If it wasn't currently under genocidal siege, I'd have to think harder on this, because there's a lot of contenders.

Do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organized/not organized? I have a desk for my laptop. It's got my laptop on it of course, plus the Mira plush Girt got me, the weighted meerkat plush Mom got me, my planner and Girt's work schedule, my therapy workbook, and a few art supplies.

What’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? I would never share my sexual life with either of them. Specifically kinks, no fucking thanks.

[chappellrroan]

fave Gracie Abrams songs and albums and lyrics?

her minor ep is my favourite personally because that's how i got to know her and became a fan, as for songs two people, i know it won't work, will you cry?, right now, block me out, 21, friend, i miss you i'm sorry, unlearn, brush fire, mean it, stay, mess it up, for real this time, camden are my all time fav from her released songs.

as for lyrics there are two aspects that depends on determining if i love them, for example in i know it won't work, i love how she sings "it won't work like that, huh?" but lyrically i like "i am your ghost now your house is haunted" so you can guess. anyways i will give my fav lyrics from my fav songs now <3

two people - "i loved you so hard for a time i've tried to ration it all my life, we could go yellow to black overnight i take you for granted because you're mine" (it's long but yes yes this) ALSO "cause you know everything that could kill me"

already mentioned for i know it won't work

will you cry? - "now you walk through me with my heart heavy breaking my reverie i could die early with your arms around me would it not kill to say goodbye?" AND "it's kinda funny how it goes from all to nothing you have to laugh before you start to cry"

right now - "and i ended a friendship on the day that i left and though i really meant it, it still makes me upset" (OUCH TOO REAL)

block me out - "i think i am burning alive but nobody sees the fire cause when i open my mouth i seem to be stuck in silence" AND "plus after all this time i should be a pretty crier"

21 - "i see the look in your eye and i'm biting my tongue, you'd be the love of my life when i was young" and "i get a little bit alone and sometimes i miss you again, i'll be the love of your life inside your head"

friend - "and i hate the way you love and i hate that i still care funny how you feel like we could ever talk again, how could you ever think i'd be your friend?" (applies to SO many people atp this is my lifesong)

i miss you i'm sorry - "thought you'd hate me instead you called in, said i miss you, i caught it" and the whole bridge honestly because NOTHING HAPPENED IN THE WAY I WANTED EVERY CORNER OF THIS IS HAUNTED AND I KNOW YOU SAID WE'RE NOT TALKING BUT I MISS YOU, I'M SORRY, I DON'T WANNA GO THINK I WILL MAKE IT WORSE EVERYWHERE I GO LEADS ME BACK TO US (i am very passionate about this song sorry)

unlearn - "i keep bringing all my problems to a pillow fight" and "cause if i'm gonna learn how to love you i need to unlearn how to love too need to unlearn when it feels right OH MY GOD I AM TRYING"

brush fire - "then we become a brush fire, burning all the pain HOW CAN WE SURVIVE A DESERT WITHOUT RAIN?" and "boy you know what to say before i turn away you words hit me like a hard rain in L.A"

mean it - "holding onto thin lines until we just walk between them, getting so loud i can't pretend that i dont hear them, maybe that thing you said under your breath you mean it, i know you mean it"

stay - the whole chorus honestly because COULD YOU HOLD ME WITHOUT ANY TALKING? WE COULD TRY TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY BUT IF I WOKE UP WITH YOU IN THE MORNING I'D FORGET ALL THE WAYS WE'RE BROKEN I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE CHANGED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY

mess it up - "heard that you're happier hope you're sleeping well knowing i'm not, i am doing too much" and "and everytime i get too close i just go mess it up" AND "i keep thinking maybe if you let me back in we can make it better breaking every habit pull myself together you can watch it happen make it happen" (the mv has very special space in my heart btw)

for real this time - "a thousand times i got up to say goodbye i could be wrong but i think i'm for real this time"

camden - "self diagnosing till i'm borderline i will do whatever helps to sleep at night" and "somebody take over drive somebody notice how i'm trying" and "all of me, a wound to close but i leave the whole thing open i just wanted you to know i was never good at coping" (one of the best bridges ever)

[okimargarvez]

16x9 - detailed analysis (2)

Here you can find the first part. Too many frames for just one post.

Luke close the shutters (and remind me when Horatio and Eric did the same on CSI : Miami). He turns to her and makes a series of expressions that is priceless.

Without a word, again. And Pen seems me when I was little and scared to be scolded. Sorry, baby, you deserve it. Then she looks at him.

And we understand that he is approching. Turning his head as he is trying to figure out if she is the same person.

Still with no word. And Pen replies mimicking. Then he explodes.

"Come on! Him?" he is really angry. Not just shocked.

"Yes. Him" but Luke question could imply also "WHY HIM AND NOT ME?"

He is trying to calm down. "He's part of our case. Does Prentiss know?". We will follow Luke expressions again while she talks.

"Sort of. She told me to call it off, which I was going to. But then," he is so deluded.

"oh, my God, he is marvelous in bed."

"And that's saying something because I'm pretty spectacular." Why Pen has to say also this thing? Luke already knew, even if he never had the chance to experience.

"Whoa." but she doesn't stop. "Now, I hit this note I have never made. It was like, ah, ah!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Too much." "It was like a high C" "Too much"

She really doesn't know what he feels for her, because can't be so selfish and cruel. "I know, I know. I know it is. But I need to share it with somebody. I have to. I have to. Alvez, I can't talk to JJ because she's gonna be the voice of common sense, so she's gonna agree with Prentiss. I can't talk to Tara because Tara had her heart broken. And I need a friend and you're the only one." And, here we go again, in this episode he is becoming to be "Alvez".

This is the frame when she says that Tara has her heart broken. What about Luke's?

"Sounds like I'm the last one." his heart is broken too 😭💔

But his problem is that he can't survive to those big eyes.

"Look, whatever. I just I got to say one thing. Alright? You sure know how to pick them. This is gonna be messy." He was serious, but...

"Oh, that's implying it wasn't already messy." sorta of flirt here, always about the worst topics (like when they flirted around Lisa).

"No, stop, stop, no!" but she doesn't want to listen him" "Which it was." Luke blocks his ears "Stop!" and runs away, but she wants to kill him, she follows him.

"No, I will share. He did some amazing moves that you should share." but nobody asked you. "I don't want to hear it."

Then Luke turns abruptly yo her, but is not able to say anything ration. "You know what? Goodbye." and slams the door.

How can be so naive? And selfish, yeah, she was selfish, here. I don't think that Luke never came to her to tell her his performances with Lisa. And about Luke, that wasn't just "I don't want to hear because it's embarrassing, no. It was "I don't want to hear because it should have been me, at his place, me, okay?".

So, good thing for now: she just talked about sex, no feelings.

Keep reading here.

Analysis of garvez scenes

[undercover-underdog]

Okay.. so I can't sleep because I feel like had I not said I was coming home, you'd have never brought up staying over there. It just felt sneaky.. And tbh, it's not even the staying over, it's the fact that it felt like you suddenly had to come clean when a simple "hey im doing this so i wont be home or ill be busy" would have done in the first place.. and like.. what if I hadn't? Would you have mentioned it at all? If I'd just come home at 5am and not found you here and not gotten any answer if I'd messaged about if you'd gotten out of the neighborhood safe.. like... was there no thought of "hey just letting you know I'm going here and I'm safe" or was it just a situation where I didn't have to know til you realized I'd be here and you wouldn't? And now I'm all fucked up in the head cause like.. okay.. are we acting impulsively today? Were other decisions made impulsively? Were you safe? Were my boundaries pushed aside again? Was my health or safety considered? Did you skip protection like the last 2 times? Why was my couch all fucked up and my stuffies were moved? Do my blankets smell different or was that just a hallucination? Like.. I'm realizing I'm not okay. And I feel like no amount of reassurance is gonna make me okay. Because I don't feel safe or secure. You fucking used polyamory as a tool to cheat. I feel like repairing our relationship took a backseat to nurturing a new one and like I'm laying on this stupid fucking couch crying every night while you get to be fucked, cuddled, validated, and reassured, on a whim, that you have worth and want from the person you used to hurt me, when I'm just trying to schlep my ass through the motions of being "okay" every day when im losing my mind trying to put the pieces together to salvage myself? I'm not okay. I'm hurt and honestly I don't know if I can be mended. And I feel like nothing can fix it. I feel like the wife turned ex turned roommate that you just won't tell it's over. And I have nowhere to go and nobody I can talk to and I feel fucking paranoid and stupid and like I can't say any of it to you because I'll just be the bitch who sabotaged your newfound relationship by making you feel guilty. Like.. who am I kidding? This won't work because we're fucking broken.. idk why I'm trying because I feel like I'm never going to be able to fix this when you're moving on to something fresh and new and spontaneous and untainted... I can't sleep. I can't get an appetite.. I can't stop crying. And what's worse is I can't say a fucking thing because you chose my fucking friend to do this with and he has no idea so if I do say anything I fucking lose him too. I'm so angry and I wish I could fucking hate you. I wish I could leave. I wish I could wish I'd never met you because loving you fucking hurts. I wish I could wish I'd never married you. Because I wouldn't be here on my own fucking couch terrified to say a word about any of it and lose you or be seen as the crazy bitch who sabotages your other relationship. God damnit it all just fucking hurts. Fuck you. Fuck you for doing this to me. Fuck you for making me feel safe and then being a fucking liar. Because I'll never not panic when you swear anything to me ever again.

And what's worse is I dropped my guard. I let you back in and I fucking knew this was going to happen. I knew it was going to hurt worse if I came back to you that morning and i still did it because i just wanted to feel like you love me.

I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

[adlamu]

meddwl meddwl (somewhat positive edition)

i was talking to a friend of mine about how i've been feeling lately (see: previously on... meddwl meddwl posts) and i think a lot of the problem i've been having is that a) i'm autistic so i don't understand why people wanted to ragebait me about my "special interest" (god, christ i hate that term), aside from me being too overexcited about it and my tone being off-centre/too serious/too intense, b) my forgetting that people tend to be less nice than they appear (because, yknow, i'm autistic and i tend to be more optimistically trusting than i probably should be), and c) the idea of my age possibly being an issue - which, in any fandom is normal and i can usually ignore it, but when it's compounded with the fact that '30yos shouldn't act that way, idc if you're autistic' is a thing (mostly allistic/non-autistic) people genuinely think, it makes me an unknowing target for that kind of ableism (according to my friend).

my reaction to what happened is one of 'oh. again? cool. cool cool cool.' because it's happened so frequently to me growing up undiagnosed/not knowing i'm autistic, and heartbreak because i thought i was making friends and bonding over [tHiNg] (which before, was kinda impossible due to Other reasons i've talked about here before, but won't get into rn) when it appears that i wasn't. i was being made fun of behind my back. i was being shown trap lures (which i only got snagged by once) that were designed to make me go 'uhm ackshually ☝️🤓' (when in all likelihood, i would've been like 'maaaaan, idk abt that >.< /gen' or 'i think [person related to tHiNg] said otherwise, though i can't remember where and what the exacts were rn but i can check >.< /gen' and then probably, accidentally, looped through some mini infodumps). if one member of that particular party hadn't fessed up and apologised in a direct message to me, i wouldn't have known anything about it at all.

the positive end of this is that now that i've talked to one of my friends of seven years, and they've broken it down for me in a way i understand better, i'm far more likely to try being myself again. partly, like my existence, out of spite; partly because i refuse to be made to feel so small and stupid because of my nd brain being the way it is because i am sick to the back teeth of feeling like that. it's been 30 years of feeling like that and i'm tired of that, so i refuse to let it weigh me down so heavily. if i can't be authentically myself (autism and manic depression included), what the fuck can i be? nobody.

i'm done with being made to feel guilty about who i am and how i exist the way that i was built.

tl;dr: had a chat with a friend of mine about recent feelings re: a thing that happened to me + now i'm less sad but more determined to allow myself to be myself because Fuck people for making me feel shitty.