#going nobody talks like that you're a broken person & then going god and i can't even send this screenshot to mac and whiskey..

[roosterforme]

Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw Part 19 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: With an uncertain future, Bradley gets ready to leave for Virginia. But he works on a plan to make sure you understand just how much he will be thinking about you.

Warnings: Fluff, smut, angst, adult banter, desperate Bradley, 18+

Length: 5400 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female teacher!Reader

Check out my masterlist for more! Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw masterlist

Bradley felt sick to his stomach as soon as he saw the stationery set. At this point, the only thing on his mind was quitting his job so the two of you didn't have to be separated. The paper looked expensive; he would have loved to sit in his bunk and write line after line to you and your class, but he wouldn't be able to do that at all. 

"We can go back to being pen pals for a bit," you whispered, your hand coming to rest on his thigh, giving him a little squeeze. "I'll be refreshing my email inbox and waiting not so patiently for my mail to arrive. It'll be great. That's how I fell in love with you in the first place."

He felt guilty even though he had no control over the scenario. His heart hurt with loneliness already as he set the gift you gave him on the coffee table and buried his face in his hands. "Gorgeous. That's not gonna happen." He swallowed past the lump in his throat and turned to look at you out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm confused," you said, hand still on his leg. He covered your fingers with his rougher ones and pulled gently until you climbed onto his lap. 

"Oh, god," he groaned, giving you a kiss before linking his fingers with yours. "I love that set of note cards. I would have taken them with me everywhere during my free time, and I would have written to your class constantly. And you would have been the recipient of some rambling love notes to be sure." Your brow was still creased with concern as he said, "No outside communication. For seven weeks."

Your expression went slack as a single tear rolled down your cheek. "You're joking."

"I'm not."

Bradley held onto your fingers as you whispered, "This keeps getting worse," through more tears. Your broken voice made his chest ache as you leaned closer until your cheek was resting on his shoulder. "I could go ages without you in person, but if I can't talk to you at all... Bradley."

Nobody else ever loved him the way you did. He'd be miserable without your letters, emails, dirty pictures and pretty face over video calls, but he finally had someone who would miss him equally. 

"I know," he muttered, wrapping his arms around you. "It's seven weeks of nothing."

You were crying in earnest now as you clung to him. "Nothing," you sobbed. "I won't even know if I'm supposed to collect you in San Diego or Norfolk when your deployment ends. And I won't know where you're being stationed."

"Fuck," he gasped. "Gorgeous, when I tell you that nobody would have much cared where I ended up before I met you, I mean it." He kissed you as you snuggled tighter against him. "As soon as I find out what's going on, I'll let you know."

"Seriously," you murmured, voice shaky. "You better tell me as soon as possible if it's San Diego or Norfolk in my future."

Bradley didn't know what else to say besides, "I fucking love you." He smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks as he added, "Are you really going to fly out to Norfolk and collect me if they make me stay in Virginia?"

You pulled away from him, eyes puffy with a scandalized look on your face as you said, "Of course. What kind of girlfriend do you think I am?"

The kind he was going to upgrade to his wife.

-----------------------------

When you finally stopped crying, you were on the verge of a migraine, but you felt a bit calmer. Bradley got up to gather together some Advil, a glass of water, and a small gift wrapped in hideous paper.

"Your early Christmas present," he said, handing it to you after you swallowed two pills for your headache. "Well, it's actually kind of another gift for me, when you really think about it." He dropped down onto the couch again with his arm slung around your shoulders, and unlike him, you tore into the paper. Inside was a leather journal with little hand painted airplanes all over it. "Will you write in it every day so I can read it when I see you again?"

When you opened it to the first page, he had written you a note.

Gorgeous, I miss you with my whole heart. I can't wait to read about all of your adventures when I get home to you. Love, Bradley

"Yes," you whispered, closing it again so you could wrap your arms around his waist. "It'll just be a bunch of pages of me telling you how I argued with Jayden about his sloppy handwriting and how I asked Nia a hundred times to return to her seat. But yes, I'll write in it every day for you."

"I will eat up every page."

After that, he kept you by his side for the rest of the night. Even when you tried to dig around in the refrigerator to see if there was any food left, he was grabbing for you and kissing you. "You have no food," you said with a laugh, turning to face him. "What are we eating for dinner?"

"Hadn't thought that far," he muttered against your lips. "Just want you."

You took his face in your hands and ran your thumb along his scars. "If you don't eat, you'll get cranky. And you've got aircraft carrier food in your future."

Bradley grimaced and muttered, "Cabbage rolls," as he reached for his phone. "Let's get pizza today. And then maybe I'll try to talk the hostess at Salvatore's into letting us get takeout tomorrow. Then Thai on Christmas."

"And then you'll be gone," you whispered, dreading it all over again. "It never gets any easier, does it?"

"You're stuck with me, Gorgeous," he said, voice tinged with the tiniest bit of apprehension.

"I am." You kissed him before you said, "Pizza sounds perfect. Then I can help you pack a little more."

---------------------------

The last thing Bradley wanted to do was finish packing his duffle, but every time you looked up at him, eyes full of emotion, he was struck by several things. One, you really were so good at folding up his uniform components, something he noticed a few days ago. Two, every minute or so, you wrapped your arms around him, which made leaving with uncertainty so much harder. And three, you were absolutely nothing like Vanessa. 

Last time when he packed to leave, he was treated to her incessant whining over the fact that he didn't want to take her out to dinner. She was always annoyed with him wanting a quiet night in. She was always annoyed by his job. It was so obvious that she never missed him or loved him the way you did as he watched you carefully fold one of his flight suits before tucking it in his bag. 

"Gorgeous," he murmured, and as soon as your gaze met his, you had your arms wrapped around him again.

"That's enough for the night," you whispered, voice thick with emotion as he kissed the top of your head. Your face was pressed against his chest, and he could hear you trying to keep yourself calm. And god, he hated doing this to both of you. 

"I agree," he replied, keeping you close while he tossed a few novels he'd been meaning to read in as well. He'd have plenty of time to read a whole stack.

You wiped your eyes on his shirt as you said, "Make sure you read at night and stay away from all the women."

Bradley tipped your chin up so you were looking at him again. "Surely you're not worried about that." You shook your head. "Good. But now that we're on the topic... be a good girl and don't talk to horny assholes."

You started laughing as you slipped out of his grasp, wiping at your tears as you said, "Never. Now let me add one more thing to your bag." As you disappeared from the bedroom, Bradley put his bag on the top of his dresser. If he had time, he would move some of his clothing around so you had room for your things when your lease was up. Otherwise you were going to have to fend for yourself in his house and just make decisions for him. If he just had more time with you, everything would be easier. The one promising thing would be returning in time for Valentine's Day and Career Day at your school. If he was allowed to come back to San Diego at all.

"Fuck," he groaned, hating this unsettled feeling that was expanding in his chest, but as soon as you walked back in, he started to feel better. Seven weeks without you was going to be painful when he had such a visceral reaction to your touch and your words.

"Just in case you feel like jotting down your own thoughts every day for me to read," you said before tucking the stationery kit in next to his uniforms. You slid a large envelope that looked like it was bursting at the seams inside as well and simply said, "Some more reading material for you," before pulling him toward the bed.

And that's when Bradley figured out just how to make you feel a little less alone when he was in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

-------------------------

When you opened your eyes on Christmas Eve, you were already smiling. Your body was warm and tucked up against Bradley's, his big, heavy arm draped over you as he snored softly. You wanted to stay here and not move a muscle, because right now, everything was perfect. You could pretend like his duffle bag wasn't sitting on his dresser, mostly packed and ready to go. You could melt into the sweet ache deep inside from the hour he spent loving your body last night. You could close your eyes and go back to sleep.

Bradley's phone vibrated on his nightstand, and he groaned next to your ear. "Baby," he murmured, lips grazing your neck. "Don't get up yet."

You couldn't help but smile. "Your phone is vibrating. Not mine."

"Shit," he grunted, rolling away from you. Once he looked at his phone screen he seemed to wake up. "Nat's on her way to pick you up for girls' day."

"What are you talking about?"

You definitely hadn't planned a girls' day. Why would you want to miss out on any time with Bradley right now? You could have a day with Nat next week or next month when he was gone!

He had a little smile on his face as he pulled you close again for a kiss. "You better get dressed."

"Bradley! I'm not going out with Nat. You're leaving in two days!"

Naked and spectacular, he climbed out of bed and stretched. "Just for a bit. She wants to take you to get coffee, and if she tries to get me a Christmas present, I need you to make sure it doesn't suck." 

"You planned this," you said, annoyed as he reached for you, pulling you away from the bed where you could pretend there was no scary uncertainty in your future.

"Just trust me," he whispered, holding you close. "Besides, I need some time to sweet talk someone at Salvatore's into letting me order dinner to-go."

You could handle an hour or two with his best friend while you counted down the time you had left before his flight out of San Diego. "Fine, but I'm wearing your sweatshirt, and I'll be thinking about you the whole time."

Bradley sent you down the walkway with a kiss, and he waved from the front door in just his underwear as you climbed into his best friend's car. "I won't keep you out too long," Natasha promised with a smirk. "I can already tell you want to get back to him."

"Why did he plan this?" you asked, wanting the answers he wouldn't give you while trying not to be rude. "No offense, because I would love to spend an entire girls' day with you, but why today?"

She simply turned up the Christmas songs on the radio and headed toward Starbucks with a smile on her face. "I was thinking after coffee we could hit up the mall for a few minutes? I need to find something truly awful to get for Bradley. I'm thinking some pink running shorts to match mine. High visibility colors are very important when you're out running, and I just don't think he fully appreciates that."

You laughed. "If you buy them, he'll probably just wear them to try to embarrass you."

"I don't embarrass easily," she said smoothly with a devilish grin. "And dare I say you might like to pick out a little something that you could wear as a going away treat?"

"Wear?" you asked before you quite knew what she meant.

"Sure. I mean, I don't want to know any specifics about what the two of you get up to, because gross, but deployments are long and lonely, and you're definitely going to miss each other."

While Bradley had seen all of your cutest underwear at this point, you'd never worn anything that you bought specifically with him in mind. Your cheeks grew warm as you thought about it. Truthfully you didn't even own anything terribly sexy. 

"What would he even like?" you asked softly as she pulled into the Starbucks parking lot.

"On you?" she asked with a laugh. "Anything. Don't worry, we'll find something good."

------------------------

When Natasha texted to inform him that you were on your way back to his house, Bradley quickly hid everything that had been out on his coffee table while he juggled his phone. The woman he was talking to on speakerphone wasn't falling for his lines at all.

"Listen," he told her, making sure there was no visible evidence of what he'd done in his living room. "I just really want tonight to be special for my girlfriend and I before I leave for my next deployment. Just one order of spaghetti and meatballs? That's all I'm asking."

There was a deep sigh followed by, "Be here promptly at 5:00 to pick it up. I'll take your credit card over the phone."

"Perfect," he replied with a smile, digging for his wallet. "The name is Bradley Bradshaw."

You walked in with shopping bags in your arms, and rushed toward him as he finished giving his credit card security code, and he pulled you in for a hug as he reassured the hostess from Salvatore's that he would be there at 5:00.

"Hi," he said, kissing you after he ended the call. "Did you have fun with Nat?

"So much fun," you told him with a smile. "We're going to try out a wine bar next week up in Oceanside." The idea of you hanging out with his friend while he was away made him feel calm, especially since Nat knew how important you were to him. "Also," you said, pressing your lips together nervously, "I think I'd like to sleep here for the rest of my winter break." Your volume dropped to a whisper. "I'm not sure if it will make me miss you more or less, but I want to be here if that's okay with you."

"I love that, Gorgeous," he replied easily. Hanging out with Natasha and then returning to his house where you belonged anyway felt right to him. "Knowing you're sleeping in my bed might result in some dirty notes from me," he said with a laugh as you bit your lip.

"Please," you whispered. "Yes. Write me dirty notes to read when you get back." Just when he was about to kiss you, he watched you bend and rummage around in a bag. "Also, this is your gift from Natasha." You handed him some bright pink fabric that he turned around in his hands, trying to figure out what it was. "And she told me to hold up the gift receipt for you."

When he finally figured out that it was a pair of ladies running shorts, he grimaced. "She's so annoying," he groaned, reaching for the gift receipt, but you quickly chuckled and tore it up. "What are you doing?"

"You're not allowed to return them." You dropped the bits of paper, and he tossed the shorts onto the couch.

"Whose side are you on here?" he asked, peppering your face with kisses. "Don't think for a second I won't just put a jock strap on and run in those shorts."

"I tried to tell her you would," you laughed as he scooped you up. "I kind of want to see it."

"Play your cards right," he murmured, grabbing his keys and taking you out to his Bronco. "Let's pick up dinner."

------------------------------

Your belly was full of spaghetti and meatballs when you managed to sneak away to the tiny laundry room and quickly hand wash your new bra and thong set while Bradley loaded the dishwasher. Nat assured you that he would enjoy this tiny thing, and you were trusting her here. You set both items aside to dry before walking back out to the kitchen.

"You don't have a Christmas tree," you remarked, wishing you'd picked one up today from one of the many parking lots trying to unload them at the last minute.

"I told you I don't really celebrate holidays."

"You're doing a great job of celebrating this one."

He washed his hands and tossed the towel aside. It was barely seven o'clock, but he asked, "You feel like calling it an early night?" You agreed, ready to feel his warmth along your entire body as you fell asleep.

You got undressed and climbed in bed, and he did the same. Bradley's hands were everywhere, but his lips were gentle on your neck and shoulder as he whispered your name. "I love you. It's going to kill me inside when I can't talk to my favorite pen pal. Last time, you had my heart pounding every time you sent me a new email."

Tears stung your eyes in the darkness; you'd done a pretty good job of holding it together all day, but this was going to be your undoing. "I promise, every time you think about me, I'll already be thinking about you, too."

Bradley's arm tightened around you, his thumb stroking your skin, soothing you along with his sweet words as you fell asleep.

When you woke up on Christmas Day, his body was still right behind yours where he belonged, but when you rolled over to look at his handsome face, you knew the hours were going to go by too quickly. "Morning, Gorgeous," he murmured, voice raspy from sleep as he cracked his eyes open. "Let's go see what Santa brought."

You didn't have any other gifts for him, unless you counted your new lingerie which you were saving for later after dinner. And the printer you bought so he could have some photos of you without his phone on the aircraft carrier. But when you got out to the living room, there was an envelope on the coffee table.

"What is it?" you asked cautiously as you picked it up. But your heart melted immediately. It was a gift card for the wine bar in Oceanside.

"There's enough on there for you and Nat to take a few trips up if you like the place."

"The two of you have been plotting, I see," you remarked, taking a deep breath before snuggling up against his chest. "But nothing will beat the horribly expensive bottle of wine I accidentally made you buy on our second date."

Deep laughter rumbled through Bradley's chest as he said, "The look on your face just made me love you more." You groaned thinking about it. "Come on, we've only got one day left and then seven weeks of nothing. Let's make French toast and have sex on the couch and eat Thai food and watch movies."

You wore his sweatshirt around all day, licked maple syrup from his lip and rode him until he was whining for you. The Thai noodles went perfectly with Home Alone. Then you took a shower together and deep conditioned his hair, dragging your nails along his scalp until his eyes closed.

"I'm going to miss this," he whispered after every single thing you did. When you toweled his hair dry, he looked at you with so much emotion. "I'm going to call you as soon as I know what's going on with the Pacific versus Atlantic Fleet. And either way, I'll try to be as patient as I possibly can, but I can't live without you, Baby."

"Bradley."

"Shit. Even the way you say my name makes me ache."

"I want you here with me. I already hate this." A sob escaped your lips without warning. "I want you to come back for Career Day."

The words were barely out of your mouth before he said, "I will be here for Career Day no matter what. Disappointing you is bad enough, but I don't want the eighteen kiddos to miss out on spending the day with their favorite Naval officer."

You laughed. "You're not disappointing me, Bradley. This is just hard, because I love you so much."

If you couldn't see a future with him, this would have been easier. He set you down on the bathroom vanity, and you watched him carefully shave around his mustache, kissing you randomly so you had to wipe shaving cream from your nose, and then he started collecting his toiletries for his duffle bag. He was naked and perfect as you stayed huddled in your towel, wondering if you could even manage to pull off wearing the items that were surely dry now and draped over his laundry room sink.

"Where are you going?" he asked as you ducked past him toward the door.

"Meet me in bed."

You rushed down the hallway and threw your towel in the empty washing machine as you took a minute to touch the pretty lace fabric before sliding the thong up your legs. Next you hooked the bra in place, and it didn't matter if you didn't look perfect, because you felt good. And you wanted him to have this memory.

When you cautiously strolled into the bedroom, Bradley was still naked, laying on top of the bedding, looking at a small piece of paper. "I'm just double checking my packing list, and I..." His gaze shifted to your body, and you did a little turn for him. The paper drifted to the floor as he sat up, his hand coming to rest on his cock. "Come here."

Biting your lip, you did as you were told. Bradley's feet swung over the edge of the bed, coming to rest on the floor as his cock bobbed between his thick thighs. "Here I am," you whispered, standing between his knees with your hands on his shoulders. "Your going away gift."

One strong arm wrapped around you, and you squeaked as he pulled you flush against him. He kissed the rounded tops of your breasts above your new bra, one after the other before looking up at you. "What did I do to deserve this?" he rasped, his nose running along the lace as his fingers tangled in your thong.

Already so turned on, you tried to answer him twice before words came out. "I wanted to give you a proper send off. Something extra special." Then he kissed your furled nipples through the flimsy bra cups and you moaned, "Something to think about when you're lonely."

His fingers were digging into your butt as he grunted. His wide brown eyes were fixed on your face as he parted his lips and sucked on your breast, the black lace wet everywhere now. He was being a little rough, but it felt like he was worshipping you at the same time, and when his lip found your neck, he asked, "Is this little getup new?"

"I bought it yesterday," you gasped as his fingers slipped inside your thong, stroking your wet pussy. "Just for you."

Then you were on your back with your head on the pillow, Bradley's heavy cock resting against your thigh as he hovered over you. "Just for me, huh?" he grunted, biceps flexed as he fought to keep his breathing under control.

You nodded, running your toes up along his calf and thigh until your leg was hooked around his hip, ready to give him whatever he wanted. "Of course it's just for you. I'll wear it again when we meet back in the San Diego airport or in Norfolk. And I'll wear it when you're away and I'm touching myself."

"Fuck," he growled, pulling your panties to the side and running his cock through your wetness before pushing himself so deep inside you that it took your breath away. When you whimpered, his lips crashed against yours as his hands dug beneath you to unhook your bra. "Touch yourself right now." When the flimsy lace ended up on the floor while Bradley fucked you, he guided your right hand to his lips, kissing your fingertips before placing them on your breast. "I want to watch."

Bradley's pupils were wide, lips parted. When you looked down your body as his cock disappeared inside you over and over again, you felt even more turned on. When you ran your fingers along your nipple and up between your bouncing breasts, his eyes followed your every move. "Like this?" you asked, feeling bold as you added your left hand as well.

He gave you a harder thrust. "Exactly like that, Gorgeous. And what are you going to think about when you do?"

"My boyfriend," you managed before his mouth met yours in a deep kiss that only lasted a few seconds. "I'm going to think about my boyfriend. I'll miss you so much."

-----------------------------

Bradley's hips slowed to a gentler pace as he listened to you gasping and panting beneath him. There was no way you'd miss him as much as he'd miss you. He closed his eyes and thought about returning home to your arms in seven weeks and heading back to work in the Pacific Fleet. He hoped you'd appreciate the little surprises he was leaving behind for you. More than anything he wanted you to think about tonight when you got yourself off.

His rough excitement at you in the new lingerie melted into something sweeter as he fucked you with long, languid strokes. Your lips were on his neck and collarbones as he whispered how much he loved you over and over. When you came, it escalated quickly, sudden and loud as he ran his thumb across your clip. He couldn't hold on after that, and he let your body hold him in place with soft squeezes as he caught his breath.

"I have one more thing for you to pack," you whispered, voice ragged as you ran your fingers through his hair.

"I really hope you fit in my duffle," he mused, and you laughed softly.

You kissed his ear and whispered, "I bought a small photo printer since you won't be able to use your phone." He shivered at your words. "You can print out a photo or two of us together... or maybe you want to take a new one right now to print out?"

"Jesus," he grunted, kissing your lips. "You're spoiling me." He reached for his phone on the nightstand and snapped a few pictures of your fucked out face and your body with his cock still buried deep. "I am very spoiled."

When you stood and plugged in the printer with lips puffy from his mustache in just your thong, he couldn't keep his hands off you. He had his photo gallery open on his phone and his arm around your waist as he selected the picture you sent him ages ago with the sun setting behind you. "This one is an absolute necessity. So is this one of us together. I don't think I should take any with me where you're naked, just to be safe," he mused, and you threw your arms around him.

"You'll just have to use your imagination," you told him as the photos printed.

"That'll be easy with this fresh in my mind," he murmured, looking down at your tits pressed to his chest. "I'll be thinking about you nonstop."

Bradley's hold on your body was unrelenting as he dropped the photos into his duffle and led you back to bed. It was getting late, and his flight to Virginia was early. You snuggled up on his chest with a soft smile on your lips. "I hope you do. I hope you think about me constantly and write me notes."

He kissed your forehead. "Not just you... your whole class. Have to keep them interested in aviation. But you're my favorite pen pal."

You laughed and buried your face against his neck, and he could feel your breathing grow a little more ragged as you whispered, "I love you so much. Just be safe. I don't really care if we have to figure out long distance or relocation as long as you're safe, Bradley."

That's how he fell asleep, wrapped up in your arms with your sweet sentiments in his ear. And the next morning, when his alarm went off, he welcomed your tears, because they made him feel like he was important to a woman for the first time in his life. You cried softly as you sat on his lap and went over his packing list with him one more time, and your cheeks were wet as you kissed him.

Bradley let you button up his khaki uniform shirt for him, your fingers shaking as you smoothed down the fabric along his chest. "Thank you, Gorgeous," he whispered, watching helplessly as your face crumbled into more tears.

When he drove the Bronco to the airport, your fingers were linked with his in the silence as the light from the rising sun hit the buildings downtown, promising to bring another perfect day to southern California. His hand tightened around yours, knowing he was going to be flying into so much uncertainty. His voice sounded strangled to his own ears as he parked at the curb under the signage for departing flights. "This is it. I'll text and call you as much as I can when I land before they lock me down, but this is it for seven weeks."

You crawled onto his lap, holding him tight as he kissed you, and now his tears mingled with yours. "I love you, Bradley," you promised, and he believed you as he held you in his arms and climbed down onto the pavement. He pulled his duffle from the backseat and dropped it to the curb as he held you against him, unwilling to leave before he told you a few more things.

"I'll keep myself safe, but you need to do the same. If you need something, you call Natasha right away, okay?" You nodded against him, your fingers digging into his shoulder blades. "My stuff is your stuff, so do whatever you want at the house and with my Bronco. And tell me you love me every day in the journal so I can read about it when I see you."

"I will," you sobbed as he finally set you down. "And I'll be waiting to hear you tell me if it's San Diego or Norfolk."

He swiped your tears away from your cheeks and kissed you one last time before he picked up his bag and headed for the door. When he turned back one last time, you were clutching his car keys and crying. "I love you, Gorgeous."

----------------------------

We'll see how they manage apart. I think she might do a bit better than Bradley will. Thanks @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 20

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[hymnsofheresy]

Hello, I hope you're well. If it isn't rude, I'd like to inquire as to how you might go about reconciling your negative feelings with your faith. I've lived a particularly difficult life, and now my health is poor—enough for it to give me all the trauma of an incurable, fatal illness, despite not actually putting me out of my misery—and I don't know how to live anymore, but we all know the only way out is a "sin." I just feel abandoned by God: I did so much trusting and investing in faith so this wouldn't happen, and now that it has, my life has come to an end, without me actually being able to let go of every day. Nobody understands, either, and when I talk about my feelings about religion I'm dismissed (e.g., "you aren't the only person suffering" "God isn't done with you yet" "God doesn't give us more than we can handle). I still feel inclined to turn on a sermon or read my sister's daily devotionals, but I can't face God—I can't *forgive* God and this feels like Hell.

I am so deeply sorry to hear your life is miserable right now. People often give these faith-based platitudes because most of the time they don't know what else to say. They often don't know how unhelpful or insulting they are.

As a Christian, I believe that God is a suffering God. I believe that God isn't some man on a throne making us all suffer as punishment, rather came down on earth to suffer with us. The world is fallen and broken, and all of us suffer, and some suffer more than others (I'd say you have been handed a much worse situation than most).

That being said, I do recommend facing God, whether in anger, frustration, or fear. Come to God with all of those messy burdensome emotions. You don't need to forgive God or thank God for giving you these hardships. The truth is this: you can be angry at God. God is waiting for you no matter what you might feel at the moment.

Hopelessness can be very overwhelming and know that it is not unreasonable to feel this way. I pray the hopelessness is washed away you receive the love and peace that you deserve despite the suffering.

[themattress]

Every Lie Celestia Ludenberg Told in DR1

PROLOGUE:

"I am Celestia Ludenburg." (It's Taeko Yasuhiro).

"Ludenburg. It is my name." (Yasuhiro.)

"Heh-heh. I don't know what you are talking about. Celestia Ludenburg *is* my real name." (Taeko Yasuhiro.)

"I look forward to getting to know you better." (You don't interest me.)

CHAPTER 1:

"Personally, I would love to see what happens when someone breaks one of the rules." (Please don't break the rules.)

"I am just happy, that is all." (I am terrified and despairing.)

"All we can do is adapt. Adapt to living out lives here from now on. A lack of adaptability...is a lack of survivability. Survival is not based on who is the strongest or the smartest. It comes down to who can adapt." (I wanna get out of here.)

"It is almost nighttime. I want to take a shower before it arrives." (I need to be alone; I can only keep up my poise for so long under this kind of stress.)

"Well. Hello. I hope the two of you are having a nice day." (I don't care.)

"Adaptability is survivability. Did I not say so? So you'd better hurry up and adapt to your new life here." (I wanna get out of here.)

"Hmhm. Sure, feel free." (You're being foolish.)

"Speaking of which, I have my own things to take care of. Goodbye." (I am freaking out over my precious kitty and don't want to show it in front of you!)

"It is amazing what some people are capable of." (God damn it, someone caved! I was afraid of this!)

"Continuing to think about and talk about the deceased certainly isn't going to help anything." (That sudden death freaked me out, so I need to push it out of my mind.)

"How many times have I told you? Anyone who can't adapt...will die. Death is the only thing awaiting those who are unable or unwilling to adapt. If that happens, you only have yourself to blame." (I wanna get out of here!)

"Does no one have any other thoughts or questions? It does not matter how trivial they may seem..." (A trivial thought and question will piss me off.)

CHAPTER 2:

"Whatever else is going on, I must admit things have been made much more comfortable for us. If things continue like this, the occasional class trial may not be so bad." (I still want out. And please, no more class trials.)

"There is nothing I hate more than getting water on my face." (I wouldn't mind if I didn't have all this make-up on.)

"Your roundish figure reminds me of the owner of the coffee shop I used to frequent." (You're the easiest to manipulate into servitude.)

"Hmhm. I do so love coercion." (I wasn't coercing, I sincerely lost my temper for a moment there. Things are meant to go Celestia Ludenberg's way, and I hate when they don't.)

"This is why adaptation is so crucial. If those who want to escape were to disappear, there would be no reason to continue playing the game." (I wanna get out of here.)

"It is because I am the same as you. Games are meant to be won." (I'm not the same as you, I just really wish I was.)

"How can you be so cold? You are like a piece of rock candy." (I agree, Toko is annoying.)

"Neither do I. Not because it is unpleasant, but because it is impossible." (It is possible, just severely unpleasant - it exposes who I really am, not what I pretend to be.)

"This warehouse is amazing. It has absolutely everything one might need to live a full life. From food to clothes to towels... There's an endless supply to choose from." (I don't care, I'm just trying to distract myself and you from thinking about our present horrifying reality.)

"If she hadn't broken out rule, none of this ever would have happened....You get what you deserve, I suppose." (I'm saying this coldly, but I am in fact extremely pissed off and anguished about nobody listening to my nighttime rule.)

"So you ignored the nighttime rule, too...Well, I don't particularly care. Please, continue." (Why is nobody listening to my nighttime rule? Why don't I have any control here!?)

CHAPTER 3:

"We simply have to make the best of things--do our best to get along and live here together in peace. Forget about the outside world, and accept this new life. That is the only hope we have now. Here we have every convenience. We have food, clothes, our every need is seen to. Why are you dissatisfied? In fact, let me ask you this? What is it about the outside world that you long for? Competition, discrimination, victimization and violence... As society grows, so does its perversion." (I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE.)

"Hmm... There may well be a discovery waiting for us which may further enrich our life here." (I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE.)

"A recreation room. A place for students to come and relax...Those will certainly be helpful in keeping our boredom at bay." (I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE.)

"Life here would be that much nicer if he could add some new issues once in a while. How disappointing." (I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE.)

"There *is* one piece of good news. There just so happens to be a rec room up on the 3rd floor! I have no doubt that our student life here will be even more enjoyable because of it." (I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE.)

"Whenever Hina lies, the tip of her nose gets just a little bit longer." (She'll be dumb enough to believe this.)

"And you ignored the rule regarding nighttime..." (OBEY ME AND STOP IGNORING IT, GODDAMN IT!)

"We were just talking about going to the bathhouse. We have not had a chance to relax in some time. But unfortunately, the bathhouse is not divided into men and women sections. So we decided to do rock-paper-scissors to decide which group would go first. Hina won the match for us, and that is why we are all so pleased." (Play along, everyone!)

"Personally, I've earned over one million dollars from my gambling efforts. My life is...comfortable." (But THAT amount of money could buy me the life I dream of!)

"Taka has become utterly useless." (I've actually already thought of a use for him...)

"Was it the mastermind? Did they finally notice what we were up to?" (It was me.)

"What good are you if you are too tired? You will be much more effective after a good night's sleep." (I will be keeping you up all night, Hifumi.)

"We will begin our search for Alter Ego in the morning." (No we won't.)

CASE 3 - pretty much everything is a lie until she is exposed and concedes defeat.

"I guess trying to work with someone else was a mistake, after all. Hifumi's ineptitude was beyond all my calculations." (I screwed up too, I just don't want to admit it.)

"My specialty? Don't make me laugh. I didn't have to lie to get him to agree." (I totally did have to lie, several times over.)

"Because you're stupid." (Because I hate having to hear your name.)

"That's a non-issue. I simply did everything in my power to win." (I actually did feel guilt over killing Hifumi in the moment.)

"To live in a European castle. And to gather handsome men from all over the world to server as my butlers-slash-bodyguards. I was going to make them dress up like vampires and satisfy my every need. Once I obtained that, I would have created a perfectly aesthetic world of decadence... Living the rest of my life there was my only dream, my only goal... That's what my life is all ABOUT!" (I just want a life where I can fully be Celestia Ludenberg and forever banish Taeko Yasuhiro from existence).

"Still, I don't have any regrets. I pursued my dream till the very end, so why would I?" (I have regrets. I wish I could have had hope in Alter Ego like everyone else.)

"Are you asking me to feel guilty? That's a pointless endeavor. I think nothing of sacrificing others for my own ends. I feel nothing. That's all there is to me. That's what makes me...complete." (I'm just a normal girl who does feel things, and I hate that.)

"My ability to lie is unrivaled, and I take pride in that. It's not just other people--I can even fool my own emotions. The conscious deceives the unconscious. That's right. I don't fear death. Kill me however you like." (I'm scared to die, especially in a way unbefitting of Celestia Ludenberg. Please don't give me such a death.)

FREE TIME:

"I once played a game of Russian roulette mahjong and won. It was a truly fierce contest, put on by a half-insane billionaire in the basement of his mansion. My opponents were a fierce old man and a silver-haired boy who was said to have the devil's own luck. We played with a modified rule set. I remember well the glass tiles we used... I defeated them both at once. I will never forget the angry, twisted looks on their faces. The crowd that had been invited to watch became positively riotous. Nobody could believe I had won. Hmhmhm. That is one of my fonder memories..." (I read this story in a manga once.)

"No matter how many times I hear it, I never tire of hearing my own name. Isn't it so splendidly charming?" (It's not my name, and I keep repeating it to help make myself believe that it is.)

"I did not *pick* it. My name was given to me by my mother and father..." (I picked it.)

"That's right. My father is French nobility, and my mother is part of a German family of musicians." (They're low class Japanese workers.)

"Oh, there most certainly a shogi gambling circuit.  But it is all underground. It is rather shady, all things considered. I have tried my own hand at it, naturally." (Actually, it was a regular low-stakes game.)

"I didn't really understand, but apparently my final opponent was infamously powerful. She was...rather odd. She was a voluptuous woman who dressed as an exotic French maid." (I read this in a manga once.)

"So let me share with you something... I will tell you about the biggest crisis I ever faced in my gambling life. A shadowy organization was hosting a mysterious tournament... The game in which I participated was called King of Liars. It was quite a severe game. When you enter, they strip you of all your assets. Money, property, everything. You must use your wisdom, cunning, and luck to battle through challenge after challenge. For the final match, I had to face off with an odd duo... They called themselves the Honest Woman and the Liar Genius. During a break, I was careless and spilled some tea on my clothes. I was terrified that the stain would never come out. That was a very difficult time in my life. I was forced to win more quickly than I wanted, so that I could rush to the cleaners. I was able to get the stain out, but it was perilously close...If I had waited even another hour, I would have been forced to throw out my favorite dress." (None of this happened; I invented it from manga I read and a mundane incident of spilling tea on my dress during a game.)

"The worst is F-rank. If you're F-rank...I pay a special organization to have you killed. Your very existence is unforgivable." (Obviously not true, but it makes me seem fearsome.)

"Also, when you become C-rank, you gain the right to become my official servant--a knight. I have knights all across the world. They are all quite obedient." (I have no knights. I've never even left Japan.)

--------

If you fell for a good number of these, then congratulations:

[romisdiary]

Kenny Omega vs. Gabe Kidd (NJPW/CMLL/AEW Wrestle Dynasty 2025)

Humanity.

What it means to bleed in pro wrestling? Is it just a nice detail to make the audience understand the intensity of a fight? Is it an essential part of wrestling to work and tell deeper stories? Is it unnecessary, or overly used to the point of exhaustion? Fuck no.

Bleeding in pro wrestling means accepting your humanity. You may be a wrestler, but you have emotions running through your body, manifesting by the way of indiscriminate violence and anger. Your strikes, your punches, even your holds have this strength behind built from whatever you feel in your heart. Whatever makes you human is what makes you go out and give your absolute all.

For Kenny Omega, his humanity shines through every step he takes, but he has fallen into what I like to call the "Kenny Omega Effect", where everything he does fails to reach his supposed loyal fans. People abandon him the second they don't get what they want from him. He's just a tool to most of his fans that needs to give them the "real graps" they're yearning for.

He has tried time and time to explain to his audience what truly hides behind this "aura" he carries: a shell of a man that is doomed to give his absolute best every single night because that's what's expected from him. His Cleaner persona made it clear with different interviews where Omega talked time and time about "losing his passion for wrestling" and how that made him better in his craft, as he saw the sport as work.

This same situation is happening with Konosuke Takeshita in AEW, where he has said "he stopped having fun a long time ago" thanks to the rhythm of the wrestling machine. Some of my favorite wrestlers have taken the time to expand on this idea. The amount of expectation fans build tends to be a cross they have to carry, and once they don't reach that level they're accustomed to, they're abandoned and forgotten.

The same thing that happened with Kenny and Takeshita is happening with New Japan Pro Wrestling. This company is expected to give excellence every single show, because they're the biggest promotion in Japan and have been for 40 years. People yearn for their golden era to come back. They don't care about the health of some wrestlers, or whatever goes on in their personal lives. To wrestling fans in general, wrestlers are tools that will be thrown once the wheels fall off.

For wrestling fans, the mere idea of a wrestler exists as a synonym to a toy. Toys are used. Toys are thrown around. Toys are interchangeable. Toys are not humans, therefore you're not losing anything of value when you change it. There's nothing material in losing a broken toy, but something emotional. You're losing your memories. You're losing part of who you are.

If you abandon a wrestler you once loved, did you love him or did you love your idea of him? That's a question I want to ask all Kenny Omega fans every time they say "I don't want Kota Ibushi or Elite lore in 2025 for Omega".

I can't believe we're entering the sixth year when Kenny tells the same story and nobody bats an eye: he's not a machine, neither a god. He's a human like you and me, he has flaws, sins and emotions running through his body. He's not your savior, or anyone's because the one thing we have learned throughout his career is that Kenny Omega is a flawed character.

Furthermore, he's bad with his relationships. He's bad with his friends. He has dropped his comrades over and over in their necks. Likewise, he has yearned for artificial gold and compensations in spite of a broken heart. He has seen himself reflected in the actions of other people and has decided to turn them into his rivals.

He's not a god of pro wrestling, as he proclaims himself to be. He just accepted his role as the guy that has to do IT, because nobody can. Nobody is Kenny Omega but himself. That's a burden he has to carry. That's what makes him continue wrestling at this level, and that's what makes him strive for more.

He left DDT in 2014 to become a bigger star, and he did with a broken heart yearning to be fixed. He left NJPW in 2019 to write a new chapter in his golden legacy as part of AEW, and even decided to leave his best friend and partner in Ibushi. He then returned to his old ways in 2021 by becoming a maniac obsessed with power and belts, and in 2023, after EVERYTHING he subjected himself to, his own body made him fear the other most human trait a wrestler has.

Death. Kenny feared death.

And even when facing death, he still wanted to give us his best. And people, instead of embracing him, ran to call him "washed" and done for. The same people that now are applauding him because of this masterpiece he gave with Kidd in the semi-main event of Wrestle Dynasty. A hypocritical behavior if I have ever seen one.

If blood is accepting your humanity in pro wrestling, and Kenny experienced a life-threatening disease, what's the one thing that he had to do the second he stepped foot in a ring for over a year and a half? Of course, bleed. And not in a pretty way. Kenny blades like he never did before to showcase part of his humanity to his fans around the globe. Even the ones that supposedly have his back, being the Japanese fans. Everyone can see the humanity in Omega, as he goes out to have his most emotional match in a long time, because of course, he's filled with anger and rage.

As he said in the post-match comments, he has to go through this hellhole completely alone because his partner (Ibushi) can't be present in the Dome. Therefore, Kenny taps into his killer instinct as a result of nobody controlling him and giving him the hand he needs. He doesn't do it because he likes it, or because he feeds from it. He does it because he has to. Because he's Kenny Omega, and is coming back to astronomical expectations.

Yet, while his Western fans praise Kenny over and over and surprisingly forget they were calling him "washed" years ago, the Japanese fans don't cheer for Omega, but for somebody who is also bleeding and has also experienced a near-death situation. For reasons that also have to do with emotions and anger.

The Japanese fans, or better said, the NJPW fans decide to take Kidd's side on this one because he represents their anguish and disdain with Kenny's attitude over the years, leaving the company that saw him rise to the top of the wrestling world with his friends by his side. When I said Kenny is a flawed individual and I said he had sins to atone for, this is exactly what I meant.

He abandoned this company in 2019 to build another, and New Japan never recovered from that blow, because we're talking about THE guy, and as everything goes on we realize Kenny was bigger than we thought at the time. For Japanese fans, Kenny was one of them, and they saw every step he took to become who he was. Then, he abandoned everything and everyone for a selfish goal. He thought the likes of Jay White and Will Ospreay could fill his shoes, but nobody could be Kenny Omega.

Nobody could reach his level of artistic prowess, and that made NJPW cold, as they experienced a change in guard. The old wrestlers were leaving, the Naitos and Tanahashis were aging, and the Young Lions didn't live to the expectations fans had. As 2024 arrived, NJPW felt more stale than ever with Will Ospreay and Kazuchika Okada leaving the company for AEW, and while they could still do joint shows, it seemed like something was off. The fans didn't like it, and started hating everything related to AEW because it reminded them of the thing they COULD have.

It was resentment. And that's the key word to understand why this match hits so hard.

Kenny and Kidd represent the same feeling of resentment. Omega resents his fans, and Kidd resents his rival because of what he did. This match is built around that idea, and for that and more, it feels like the exact type of match that'll make you fall in love with wrestling again. The emotions, the humanity, the blood, and the vulnerability shown by these men is something you'll not get somewhere else. This is what pro wrestling should be built around. Wrestlers showing their human side, and making us live their pain.

For that, and many other things, I consider this match to be one of the best Kenny Omega performances I've seen in my life, and the definitive Match of the Year.

(At least, at the date I'm writing this)

[evilwickedme]

I just. Ugh. Oh my God. The fucking PARALLELS this season of Good Omens. Y'all know I'm an absolute fool for a good parallel, so to get so many? I'm so well fed today

Crowley and Azira are like, the definition of soulmates of the kind that are made, you know? Like there is no one single other being in the whole of Creation that shares even a fraction of the same experiences. Six thousand years in the making, this ship is - even more according to this season !!! And YET, they are absolutely brand new. They've never been in a romantic relationship - not with each other, not with anyone - and as Crowley pointed out, they've essentially just gotten out of toxic relationships with Heaven and Hell. Except like, not really? Because we see Crowley really got out Heaven so heavily traumatized he never really put all that much stock into Hell. Yeah, Hell might've still been abusive, but Crowley was halfway out the door the whole time. Azira, tho... He still buys into all of it. He's technically out the door, but he hasn't done any of the deprogramming you need to do in order to move on (I feel like I'm mixing my metaphors a little by using cult-related languages, but also abusive relationships are essentially two person cults, so)

And this season sets this dynamic up so perfectly with Nina and Maggie!!!!! And we're supposed to think that Nina is Crowley because she's dark and broody and Maggie is Azira cause she's frankly precious but really it's the other way around and it's Nina who finishes the season being like "I can't be in a relationship right now because I still need to work on myself having just ended an incredibly toxic relationship" and it's just. Nina and Maggie don't end the season together because that's not what they need right now and bc of that they might still be able to be together later, but Crowley and Azira hold onto each other SO DAMN HARD that they end up losing each other SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE AZIRA CAN'T DO THAT SAME THING OF UNPACKING HIS BASE ASSUMPTIONS it's like leaving a cult cause they were mean to you once but still buying into the new agey stuff they used to love bomb you into joining the cult in the first place

And so that's the relationship part of things but also we've got like soo many parallels showing how broken the system is in the first place and obviously ineffable bureaucracy is what stands out here because of the literal lines coming out of various characters' mouths during this plotline but can we talk about how heavily brainwashed Muriel is and how clearly they're supposed to be exactly like a young Aziraphale, one who doesn't "have" Crowley yet!!! Like tell me that if you gave Muriel a fiery sword and told them to watch over the first ever pregnant couple in history they wouldn't give them that Goddamn sword. Nobody on either side is capable of questioning their position in life without exposure to Something Else, but it doesn't have to be like, the being you're going to run off to alpha centauri with. It could very much be a copy of The Crow Road

(sidenote, has anybody read this book? It seems like an incredibly deliberate choice but I've never heard of it! I think I might send in an ask to Neil Gaiman himself if I don't see any meta soon)

Anyway yeah um. I don't know how to end this. Parallels and shadow selves fuck (double entendre)

[w3ath3r-0f-sw34t3rz]

˗ˏˋ ♬⋆.˚ ― CALLUM ♪⋆

★ Daylight - David Kushner there's darkness in the distance // from the way that i've been livin' // but i know i can't resist it // oh, i love it and i hate it at the same time // you and i drink the poison from the same vine

Bubble Gum - Clairo sorry i didn't kiss you // but it's obvious i wanted to ... i'd do anything for you // but would you do that for me, too?

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls and i don't want the world to see me // 'cause i don't think that they'd understand // when everything's made to be broken // i just want you to know who i am

★ Don't Blame Me - Taylor Swift don't blame me, love made me crazy // if it doesn't, you ain't doin' it right // lord, save me, my drug is my baby // i'll be usin' for the rest of my life

Dark Red - Steve Lacy something bad is 'bout to happen to me // why i feel this way, i don't know maybe // i think of her so much, it drives me crazy // i just don't want her to leave me

The Cut That Always Bleeds - Conan Gray but even though you're killing me // i, i need you like the air i breathe // i need, i need you more than me // i need you more than anything

★ New Person, Same Old Mistakes - Tame Impala or see it from this way 'round // feeling it overtake // all that i used to hate // one by one, every trait // i tried, but it's way too late // all the signs i don't read // two sides of me can't agree // will i be in too deep? // going with what i always longed for // feel like a brand-new person // but you'll make the same old mistakes

Be Nice To Me - The Front Bottoms but you're a killer and i'm your best friend // think it's unfair, your situation // you say i'm changing // sorry i didn't know i had to stay the same // can we talk about this later? // your voice is driving me, driving me insane

Happy Life - Roland Faunte holy dancer, come and find me // in the darkness where i've been hiding // oh, you are my answer, my one and only

★ i am not who i was - Chance Peña so if i fly too far // will i still have a place inside your heart? // and when you see what i've become // will you love me for who i am, not who i was?

Mr. Loverman - Ricky Montgomery i'm reeling in my brain again // before it can get back to you // oh, what am i supposed to do without you? // i'm Mr. Loverman // and i miss my lover, man 

right where you left me - Taylor Swifr i cause no harm, mind my business // if our love died young, i can't bear witness // and it's been so long // but if you ever think you got it wrong // i'm right where you left me

★ Pigeon - Cavetown scaly little friend's got my backup // didn't give me time to say goodbye in the way that i wanted to // so honey, close your eyes and stay like you're supposed to do

Bad Luck - BoyWithUke i got 24 minutes to finish all of my sentences // to be dependent to medicine while i saw you running away // i said okay to myself // it'd be better for health if i turn around and look the other way

Would've, Could've, Should've - Taylor Swift god rest my soul, i miss who i used to be // the tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind // i regret you all the time // i can't let this go, i fight with you in my sleep // the wound won't close, i keep on waiting for a sign // i regret you all the time

CHIHIRO - Billie Eilish i know you said before you can't cope with any more // you told me it was war, said you'd show me what's in store ... wringing my hands in my lap // and they tell me it's all been a trap // and you don't know if you'll make it back // i said, "no, don't say that"

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart - Taylor Swift i can hold my breath // i've been doing it since he left

Partner in Crime - Madilyn Mei you're slowly killing me // taking your time // you're slowly killing me // and yet i don't mind (you were never meant to win) // you're slowly killing me // but please take your time

★ A Pearl - Mitski it's just that i fell in love with a war // nobody told me it ended // and it left a pearl in my head // and i roll it around every night // just to watch it glow

The Brink - Madilyn Mei i'm standing on the brink of something // new that i want, i know that it's almost mine // yet something tells me i'll // somehow always be // standing on the brink of something new

Easier - BoyWithUke i should've loved you better // i wish i could have been there // i wish we never met, so maybe then i wouldn't see you everywhere ... waking up at night, ripping out my hair // i'm used to having fights, used to hurting everybody that i care for

the lakes - Taylor Swift take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die ... i'm setting off, but not without my muse // no, not without you

October Passed Me By - girl in red i keep the letters that you wrote in a secret place // every now and then, i go down memory lane // October passed me by just like any month // but i still think of the times you took the breath out of my lungs // you don't have to run

★ Twin Size Mattress - The Front Bottoms this is for the snakes and the people they bite // for the friends i've made, for the sleepless nights // for the warning signs i've completely ignored // there's an amount to take, reasons to take more

Strawberry - Addison Grace i'd give you more of what i don't have // you already know, you'd never ask for it // how does it feel? // how does it feel to be so...?

Love Letter From The Sea to The Shore - Delaney Bailey 'cause you hold in my tide // i would die a thousand times // just to see you in another life

★ From Eden - Hozier honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago // idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword // innocence died screaming, honey, ask me, i should know // i slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

[polar534]

You know what isn't talked about enough? Bellara's companion questline. And just how devastating it is. Do me a favor and really think about it. Think about a person in your life that has effected you greatly. That maybe influenced you more than you've realized.  

I think we all have someone who could fit that bill.  

Now imagine that person left your life. Uncontrollable circumstances, or maybe they were controllable. Maybe it was something you did wrong. Or maybe it wasn't. Either way, they're not in your life anymore. He's not in your life anymore. Not like you'll ever have a chance to ask him. Or that you'll ever get a chance to be forgiven... 

You try and keep moving forward but you've attached so much of yourself to this person that it feels like with every step forward you're being torn in two. Will you even recognize the person you might be when you get to the other side? When you turn back and see the tattered remains of yourself lying in a trail left behind?  

Nobody seems to fill the hole left where he once was. The tear that is slowly destroying you down the middle. Others just don't understand. They'll never understand, they didn't know him like you did. They'll never know you like he did. 

You try and live for what you think he would've wanted. The idea you've created of who he was. Maybe you can keep him around just a little longer by continuing to search for what you both searched for together. Living on so you might never let anything slip by you ever again. Because that has to be the answer. That has to be what fixes what's broken inside of you without him. 

And then, that thing you were searching for? That he was searching for all those years? You find it. Against all odds, you find it. It falls right into your lap. And then it breaks. But that's ok, that's good news actually. Because it's longer you get to keep him around. Working on fixing it, late into the night, it feels like he is back with you, even for a moment. Every late night, aching back, aching hands. It keeps you focused. It keeps you grounded.  

It keeps him with you.   

The small family and life you've built up in the wake of his disappearance is under attack, so you do what you've always done and go to fix it. To triple check that they'll be safe. That you don't lose anyone else. But there's a dreadful feeling to this rescue. A familiar feeling. If it's familiar, if it... him, why does it feel so wrong? It's impossible that it's him. It's impossible that he would be tied to the horrors that are around you. So it's not him. He can't come back after all. He's gone.  

Then the impossible becomes reality. He returns.  

And he's come back wrong. 

Suddenly your entire world shatters all over again. Those crippling doubts return. Can I fix this? Do I fix this? What went wrong?  

The torn parts of who you are after he left separate further. Why does part of you want to stop him? Isn't being together what you've always wanted at the end of the day? If he's always been the one who knows you best, why don't you trust him in the way he is begging you to? If he loved you as much as you thought he did, why doesn't he trust you that this is all wrong?  

Why does accepting that he's back, that the thing you have wanted for so long, come at the cost of the world he left you alone to rebuild yourself in? 

You are Bellara Lutare and in a world full of gods and demons, dragons and nugs, your story feels so overwhelmingly human. 

[imaginarianisms]

okay so. both in the books & in the show we& know like. literally Nothing about aemma's personality or how she felt about her marriage or her growing up &. i'm& of the mind that aemma was a weird girl who was Also a party girl when she wasn't pregnant. mostly Because she knows what it's like to be subjected to things not of her own control & suffering because of it. like. keep in mind that she was a teenager. like. she gave birth to rhaenyra at FIFTEEN. her maiden family's likely pressuring her to have a male heir & aemma. can't handle it. for a long time so she hides her pain through partying & flying on dreamfyre when she can. because she wants SO BADLY to fly away & know what it's like to touch the clouds again when she was in the eyrie. i& think of when halsey said "i woke up to another mess in the living room / broken bottles all around my feet / they came again in the night under crescent moon / didn't wake me in my sleep / 'cause they talk and drink and laugh 'bout things and fall in love in my backyard / i hide and cower in the corner, conversations getting hard / 'cause nobody seems to ask about me anymore / and nobody seems to care about anything, i think / and nobody seems to recognize me in the crowd / in the background, screaming 'everybody look at me' / and i'm fading away, you know i used to be on fire [...] i'm standing in the ashes of who i used to be [...] i used to be a darling starlet, like a centerpiece / had the whole world wrapped around my ring / i flew too closely to the sun that's setting in the ease / and now i'm melting from my wings / 'cause i'd laugh and drink and talk about things and fall in love in my backyard / now it's my own anxiety that makes the conversation hard / 'cause nobody seems to ask about me anymore and nobody ever cares about anything i think" & "are you insane like me? been in pain like me? bought a hundred dollar bottle of champage like me? just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me? [...] do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? [...] saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me? [...] and all the people say 'you can't wake up, this is not a dream, you're part of a machine, you are not a human being [...] my heart is gold and my hands are cold" & "sick of all these people talking, sick of all this noise, tired of all these cameras flashing, sick of being poised, now my neck is open wide begging for a fist around it, already choking on my pride so there's use crying about it" & "i am not a woman, i'm a god / i am not a martyr, i'm a problem / i am not a legend, i'm a fraud [...] oh, i just wanna feel something, tell me where to go / 'cause everybody knows something i don't wanna know / so i'll stay right here 'cause i'm better all alone" & that's aemma coded. NOW that's not to say she wasn't a good mother to rhaenyra BUT i think before she was born she was a wild child because like. what ELSE was she supposed to feel. how ELSE was she supposed to cope. she never had a mother. i& think as she became queen she took her duties seriously & wisened up bc her house words "as high as honor" was drilled into her head as a girl & not to mention she has rhaenyra to raise now & she wants to be what she never had, a good maternal role model but. she definitely had her wild phase.

[chounaifu]

What does your muse think of mine?

@reiketsui :

we don't talk about it. that had been the first line of the wordless pact defining this situationship from the start. as long as everything was kept inside locked doors, there was nothing there that could keep me awake at night. no dead body to bury under the floorboards of the hotel room where we take each other apart – no pretending like we don't see the single bullet shot on its forehead. it turned from a simple convenience to a dizzying inconvenience, from nuisance to a blessing, from nonchalance to obsession that burns like molten lava in my veins. we both know it's here, yet it's never talked about. would ignorance be a bliss? it's difficult to recognize the person i become with you. i fear one night i will say it without thinking. i can imagine the scenario. you drop by unannounced again, and we end up in bed tangled in each other's arms. i'm foolish enough to let go of yet another inhibition, only to realize there isn't any left. suddenly, the restraint isn't there, and i should be horrified by the realization. instead, i take the only chance i get in this lifetime. i love you. i love you. i love you. but you already know.

You fucking idiot.

You stupid fucking bastard.

You've ruined me in ways that I would allow again and again. You've made it impossible to hide around you; there's nothing that you don't know about me, you understand every inch of my body and my psyche so intimately, it makes me feel sick to my stomach at times.

Sick because, I constantly wonder if you will continue to dig through my cranium until you are eroded by the same ichor that drips from it. You scold me for having no self-preservation instinct, but it was you who was ready to lay your life down for all of us on that suicide mission in Goldenrod.

I hate how much you force me to worry about mortality.

You were an unmoving, unshakable entity made of ice, far from human, feeling NOTHING, indestructible, until I saw you plugged into the same machines that kept me alive in the infirmary. I can't stand to look at almost any psychic type now because of that incident. You're mortal, you're physically mortal even though my brain assigned the role of 'god' when I decided that I hated you, and that scares me, because mortal men can die. And if you lose your life, that means I've failed to protect you. That means I've broken my promise.

You know the one.

Or maybe you were too delirious and over-exhausted to remember what I told you when you were crumbled against your desk. It'd been days since you'd seen sunlight. Did you think you didn't deserve to feel it on your skin until you punished yourself for every mistake you didn't actually make? I hate that you make me worry so god damn much.

It's not that I don't think you can handle yourself.

It's that I can't handle the thought of you dropping dead if I have anything to say about it.

Because nobody else gets me like you.

Nobody else knows me like you.

You saw me become a fucking monster and it brought you closer to me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Don't you realize I could kill you?

Don't you realize how badly I wanted to for so long?

Because if I took your last breathe myself, nobody else would have the privilege. Nobody else would be able to hurt you. Nobody else would force you to be Atlas ever again.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I'd kill for you.

You're mine.

Don't leave me.

[almost-correct-quotes]

lyrics that remind me of dion and kane / their plotline <3

if there's no character specified it's either about them together or the plotline in general

it's tumblr, so the colors are messed up but you get what im trying to do its supposed to be aesthetic

Dion: Turn and Go - {Parentheses}

When the night is turning sour Due to the lateness of the hour Doesn't mean it has to end Just turn and go You just need a change of scene Somewhere happy, somewhere green You don't have to be alone Just turn and go

I announce that I am leaving, no one seems to care No one even takes a second glance But I am with the people that I love the most And that's always more fun without a plan

Dion: Lying in the Middle - Spence Hood

Why should I make up my mind Just to change it overnight What a magnificent way to waste my time You know I would rather live my life Rife with riddles Lying in the middle of the Kinsey scale The world’s a buffet and I came to get my fill

Dion: Doing This Again! - Bears in Trees

I hope I'll be resilient I hope to be brave in the face of another family cancer My mother 'cites a rosary downstairs But lord, these blessed words fail me

Love Takes Time - Philip Labes

It takes more than some roses, for roots to intertwine To open up the doors to your interior design Sneaking in the baggage, that we couldn't leave behind

Saint Bernard - Lincoln

When I'm dead, I won't join their ranks 'Cause they are both holy and free (…) Make me love myself, so that I might love you Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to God When I said it, it was true

Paul Revere - Noah Kahan

One day, I'm gonna cut it clear Ride like Paul Revere And, when they ask me who I am I'll say, "I'm not from around here"

I'll leave before the road crew's out Before those joggers, looking way too proud And I'll turn up the music and I'll forget Until it ends, that I'm not ready to let go yet

How I Survived Bobby Mackey's Personal Hell - Lincoln

Well, if there’s one thing that I'm sure of It’s that I think too much about shit that doesn’t matter And I don’t think enough about things that make a difference

You left some holes in the plotline I left some holes in your clothes And we can argue semantics over who left who first

Dion: Downhill - Lincoln

I went downhill at such steep incline That my rearview mirror showed me only the sky And I laughed about it all night

And I said “Hey man, isn’t it poetic That the sky is what we leave behind?” Because I was born into the world on a silken cloud And I got bored of the world before I hit the ground

From Eden - Hozier

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me, I should know

There's something broken about this But I might be hoping about this Oh, what a sin

Out of Time - Philip Labes

Tick, tick, tick goes any good thing Forever is a diamond lie We can't stop the clock, so let's just talk Until our heartbeats rhyme Until we're out of time (...) And if you believe that fate brought us together Then you must believe that it tore us apart But I do not believe That we live in a machine I think the ticking that you're hearing is a heart

Kane: Is It Honor That I Want? - Sushi Soucy (it's LITERALLY him. screaming)

I know the guidelines That I've lived by my whole life So well that I could sing them Be a good kid, be a good brother Be a good son, be a good loyal servant to the kingdom

Why am I so confused? I have everything I want Yet it feels like I have nothing left to lose Is the world really falling to pieces? Do we really have to iron out the creases? Have I been told my whole life something that isn't true? Because I really have no idea what to do

I curse the heavens up above Is it really honor that I want Or is it love?

The Title Track - Origami Angel

Sometimes it gets hard to be alive And you know that better than I do Better than I do Sometimes you need somewhere else to go Somewhere that nobody can find you No one will find you

But if you wanna be somewhere you don't have to be alone Or distraught or anything at all Baby, you don't have to be, pack all your things And we'll move to Somewhere City If you want to be someone that you never have to hide Or keep bottled up on the inside Baby, you can set it free, just come with me And I'll show you Somewhere City's waiting for you

Dion: Re-Do - Modern Baseball (i have to put mobo on every single playlist somewhere soz)

I wanna start from the top Maybe like a do-over Replace the voices in my head With blind innocence

I want a complete re-do Maybe change my name Report the losses, grab the claim "It's a shame, it's such a shame"

Kane: Stick Season - Noah Kahan

As you promised me that I was more than all the miles combined You must've had yourself a change of heart like halfway through the drive Because your voice trailed off exactly as you passed my exit sign Kept on drivin' straight and left our future to the right

[actuallycassidyiambusy]

I know u don't talk too much about ur original work on this blog, but I've seen the posts where u do and I am so intrigued.

Who is ur favorite OC to write in ur Helpless series? If u have one😊

I'll happily talk about it if asked! My favorite?

Blake Stahller. Easy.

Let me tell you, this man is 𝐓𝐎𝐗𝐈𝐂 toxic. A kiss you and stab you in the stomach at the same time kind of man. A make you suck on the barrel of his gun before he kills you brand of toxic.

A red flag with green hair.

My BPD and NPD king.

Brooklyn badass that will shove his fingers in your eyes if you look at him funny.

Black blooded demon with an extremely short fuse and drinking problem.

He makes his first appearance in book one. He comes off as rough, slick tongued and foul mouthed. Despite his rocky exterior, Blake is as loyal as they come. That is if you're lucky enough to earn his loyalty. He has a very dominant personality. He's extremely antagonistic.

A few small things about Blake is that he was raised by his hard headed, Italian mother. He knows Italian very well and sometimes lets it slip when he's pissed off or flustered. He's openly pansexual and makes a habit of flirting with others. It's like a sport to him. Nothing really sticks with him romance wise. No one can catch his eye long enough.

Except a spitfire blonde boy named Zeke who hits back. Blake just can't seem to shake the brat and it really pisses him off🤭 though he can't deny how much he craves the struggle and aggression that Zeke brings to the table. The only scar he has is the one given to him by Zeke with a broken bottle🥴

Blake is extremely explosive and his only outlets are violence and sex. More than often at the same time. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is a cuss word or insult. He's not easy to get along with and nobody has been able to tear down his walls, and let me tell you, there's some serious trauma behind those bricks. He's from Brooklyn, NY and is known as a vicious gang leader. He runs some of the biggest underground organizations all through the state and across the country. He's clever and he's terrifying.

Blake is also open about his intentions. He won't lie to you. If he wants to fuck you, he'll say so. If he wants to kill you, it was nice knowing you. If he wants you to work for him, you'll see a charismatic side that will lure you in. If he wants to fight, he'll throw the first and last punch.

He doesn't take disrespect or stupidity lightly. You might as well have spit on his boot if you cross him. He's cut off people's hands, scalped them, tortured and humiliated them, burned their eyes with a cigarette. His interrogation skills are impeccable.

You can't touch what's his. God help you if you steal from him or attack one of his men. There are only two things exempt from his rage. Kids and animals. He'll respect a woman if she respects him. Plain and simple. You can't tell him what to do or how to act because you're "not his fuckin' mother."

It's why he's my favorite to write. His character has so many possibilities. There are tons of layers to this character and each one is more interesting than the last. I can go down any road with him and just be like "that's Blake" he's that unpredictable and wild. He doesn't give a shit how big and bad an opponent is, he will always find a way to come out on top.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #212

Have you ever seen a cougar in the wild? No, thank god. They don't even live here.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Like, months ago.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? Quite a few.

Who’s your favourite person? Girt.

Are you more of a cat or dog person? Cat.

What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve ever received? It's not appropriate so we're not talking about it lmao

Who is someone you really admire? Mark Fischbach.

Do you prefer piano or guitar music? Electric guitar.

Are you good at using Photoshop? I'm decent.

What were you last embarrassed about? My social awkwardness when I was trying to order a burger at this place in Charlotte. I was just getting over being overwhelmed and stuff, and the menu kinda confused me, so I made a fool of myself. Idk how in the world Girt managed to not just walk the fuck away from me lmao

Are there any clothing items you really want but can’t find? I've wanted a black, studded leather jacket since I was a teenager.

What’s a habit you find gross? Biting toenails. I was floored when I learned people even did it.

Are you a hat person? No.

Has anyone ever approached you in the street and asked to take your picture? No.

What color hair did your first crush have? Brown.

Have you ever had a professional make-over? No.

Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? Not for just myself. Family stuff, though.

What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? "Nobody's Home"

Do you have any embarrassing health issues? I have IBS, yes. Hyperhidrosis is also very embarrassing because you look like you dove into a pool after being outside in mild heat for five minutes.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes, the second time I had to go for my asthma. I don't think I'd properly reached asthma attack territory, but it was mighty fuckin' close.

Have you ever gotten sick in the car? No.

How many teeth do you have? Idk, however many you're supposed to have without wisdom teeth.

Have you ever cussed someone out? I remember doing this to my sister's abusive boyfriend she had in high school. I feel like this has probably happened with another or two.

Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? No.

Have you ever broken a really important promise? Well, I did promise to keep Sara's disgusting political compass a secret. So yes, I eventually broke that.

Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? ^ yes. There was no way to ban her from the RP forum without explaining it to our mutual friends/RP partners, I'm sure.

Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? Yes, I had problems with this as a teenager, and it happened a few times in my early 20s.

Have you ever eaten any type of insect? No.

What’s a hobby you would like to try out? Herping.

Have you ever won a raffle? If so, what’ve you won? Yes, this is how I won two rare and limited pieces of Silent Hill: Revelation merch.

What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? Probably some sort of beetle.

How about the biggest spider? A bird-eating tarantula when I was at the NARBC with Sara. The insane thing is I think the guy whose booth it was might have been the YouTuber who GOT me into tarantulas (The Tarantula Collective) lmfao, I just can't remember for sure. They definitely at least looked similar.

Is your room covered in posters, or pretty bare? As of only a few days ago, they're almost completely bare now. I'm redecorating in there. I'm leaving most posters behind.

Would you ever consider being a cannibal? Strong no.

Do you collect anything valuable? No.

What was the last thing you killed? Most likely an ant.

Who is your favorite female celebrity? Hm... I guess either Gab Smolders or tarantula kat. It's strange, all celebs I've been wildly invested in were/are men lmao

What’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? "Bloody Mary"

Would you date the same sex? Why or why not? Yes, and I have before, I'm pansexual.

If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them? Nope, you've got one shot.

Obsessions? Meerkats have been my longest-lasting and most well-known, but online I'm also very open about my extreme Rammstein hyperfixation (I say "online" because irl I am very embarrassed by being someone who hyperfixates and I don't like sharing), the Silent Hill franchise, watching YouTube, tarantulas...

Addictions? Technology, specifically the Internet. I barely know how to exist without it, and it's sad. I'm aware I'm also addicted to soda, albeit this is an addiction I'm more capable of actually fighting, but I still have a few bottles (not two-liters, don't be mistaken) a week.

What are your #1 priorities in life? My happiness, health (mental and physical), maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships, and trying to figure out my purpose and what I want to live for (this includes working towards a career of some sort).

Have you ever dated a redhead? No.

List three of your favorite types of YouTube videos to watch. Let's plays, reptile and tarantula collectors' care-type videos, herping.

What is the name of your YouTube channel, if you have one? 0zzkat (it’s a zero because with an "o" was somehow already taken boooooooo).

How old were you the first time you encountered God? God was forced on me from birth (I was baptized, so quite literally).

Any upcoming travel plans? I'm probably going BACK to Charlotte next weekend because Girt's picking up a really nice exercise bike Javier has for sale, so he has to pick that up because shipping would be like, $500. The bike is rather small so would fit into Girt's bedroom, and he plans on facing it towards his TV so he can just be on the bike while watching YouTube.

What are you reading currently? Nothing right now; I recently finished the Omen of the Stars arc in the Warriors series, so now I need to order the next arc.

What’s the first concert you attended? Alice Cooper.

Where do you most hope to visit? The KMP grounds in South Africa.

For what would you be famous? I feel that I'm most CAPABLE of being famous for my writing, but I WANT to be well-known for my photography, at least in the photography community; truly "famous" photographers are extremely few and far between.

When did you last cry? And why, if you feel like sharing. Last night. I had an anxiety attack.

What fictional character/s remind you of yourself? Clearsight from Wings of Fire is a strong one.

What would you like to tell your father? I wish you were better when I was growing up.

What would you like to tell your mother? Thank you for literally everything you do.

What is something you have no patience for? Jokes about rape or other extremely serious, harmful things.

How many cats do you have? One. I'd like one more, but.

How many dogs do you have? One.

How many other pets do you have? One: a champagne morph ball python.

How many of your grandparents are still alive? None.

Have you ever been flipped off by a random stranger? Yes, when I was driving one day. My mom was absolutely seething, she reached her arm out of the window and did it right back.

Does everyone in your family know your sexual orientation? I don't think everyone does.

Would you ever want to go back to school? So... as of extremely recently I am considering going back for some sort of writing degree. I don't want to be an author, I just feel like a degree in my strongest skill might come in handy for getting SOME sort of job in writing.

If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair? shrug

What is the wallpaper on your cell phone? Lock screen is this gorgeous artwork featuring a skull with flowers, butterflies, and bees, and my home screen is another piece of artwork that's a simplistic monarch butterfly texture.

What do you have handy at your bedside? Two lamps (only one is usually on, my little moon one, but the bigger one is for if I need more light), sometimes my phone, the remote for my moon lamp (it can change colors), and whatever book I'm reading.

When did you last sing to yourself? When I was otw home from Charlotte with Girt.

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Healing from my trauma with Jason, I think. I could say still being alive, because boy have I wanted to kill myself plenty of times, but in a way I feel like healing from Jason was even harder. A big reason I'm still alive is because I was just too afraid of the experience of killing myself, so like... surviving was the only option.

What is your opinion on brown eyes? Do not get me wrong, brown eyes can be beautiful, especially in the light. However, it is my least favorite human eye color.

Would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? The child of both.

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? Explain. I fucking love them and I'm so glad humans conceived the idea for both. Both can be a method of self-expression, and especially for me, making you enjoy your body more.

Talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. Ozzy Osbourne. He was my bait into metal music, and his music has comforted me since I was a pre-teen, and continues to do so to this day. His music makes me feel warm, and it feels like home to me.

The world is listening. Pick one sentence you would tell them. For right this very minute? Free Palestine. If it wasn't currently under genocidal siege, I'd have to think harder on this, because there's a lot of contenders.

Do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organized/not organized? I have a desk for my laptop. It's got my laptop on it of course, plus the Mira plush Girt got me, the weighted meerkat plush Mom got me, my planner and Girt's work schedule, my therapy workbook, and a few art supplies.

What’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? I would never share my sexual life with either of them. Specifically kinks, no fucking thanks.

[loveridden1999]

fave Gracie Abrams songs and albums and lyrics?

her minor ep is my favourite personally because that's how i got to know her and became a fan, as for songs two people, i know it won't work, will you cry?, right now, block me out, 21, friend, i miss you i'm sorry, unlearn, brush fire, mean it, stay, mess it up, for real this time, camden are my all time fav from her released songs.

as for lyrics there are two aspects that depends on determining if i love them, for example in i know it won't work, i love how she sings "it won't work like that, huh?" but lyrically i like "i am your ghost now your house is haunted" so you can guess. anyways i will give my fav lyrics from my fav songs now <3

two people - "i loved you so hard for a time i've tried to ration it all my life, we could go yellow to black overnight i take you for granted because you're mine" (it's long but yes yes this) ALSO "cause you know everything that could kill me"

already mentioned for i know it won't work

will you cry? - "now you walk through me with my heart heavy breaking my reverie i could die early with your arms around me would it not kill to say goodbye?" AND "it's kinda funny how it goes from all to nothing you have to laugh before you start to cry"

right now - "and i ended a friendship on the day that i left and though i really meant it, it still makes me upset" (OUCH TOO REAL)

block me out - "i think i am burning alive but nobody sees the fire cause when i open my mouth i seem to be stuck in silence" AND "plus after all this time i should be a pretty crier"

21 - "i see the look in your eye and i'm biting my tongue, you'd be the love of my life when i was young" and "i get a little bit alone and sometimes i miss you again, i'll be the love of your life inside your head"

friend - "and i hate the way you love and i hate that i still care funny how you feel like we could ever talk again, how could you ever think i'd be your friend?" (applies to SO many people atp this is my lifesong)

i miss you i'm sorry - "thought you'd hate me instead you called in, said i miss you, i caught it" and the whole bridge honestly because NOTHING HAPPENED IN THE WAY I WANTED EVERY CORNER OF THIS IS HAUNTED AND I KNOW YOU SAID WE'RE NOT TALKING BUT I MISS YOU, I'M SORRY, I DON'T WANNA GO THINK I WILL MAKE IT WORSE EVERYWHERE I GO LEADS ME BACK TO US (i am very passionate about this song sorry)

unlearn - "i keep bringing all my problems to a pillow fight" and "cause if i'm gonna learn how to love you i need to unlearn how to love too need to unlearn when it feels right OH MY GOD I AM TRYING"

brush fire - "then we become a brush fire, burning all the pain HOW CAN WE SURVIVE A DESERT WITHOUT RAIN?" and "boy you know what to say before i turn away you words hit me like a hard rain in L.A"

mean it - "holding onto thin lines until we just walk between them, getting so loud i can't pretend that i dont hear them, maybe that thing you said under your breath you mean it, i know you mean it"

stay - the whole chorus honestly because COULD YOU HOLD ME WITHOUT ANY TALKING? WE COULD TRY TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY BUT IF I WOKE UP WITH YOU IN THE MORNING I'D FORGET ALL THE WAYS WE'RE BROKEN I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE CHANGED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY

mess it up - "heard that you're happier hope you're sleeping well knowing i'm not, i am doing too much" and "and everytime i get too close i just go mess it up" AND "i keep thinking maybe if you let me back in we can make it better breaking every habit pull myself together you can watch it happen make it happen" (the mv has very special space in my heart btw)

for real this time - "a thousand times i got up to say goodbye i could be wrong but i think i'm for real this time"

camden - "self diagnosing till i'm borderline i will do whatever helps to sleep at night" and "somebody take over drive somebody notice how i'm trying" and "all of me, a wound to close but i leave the whole thing open i just wanted you to know i was never good at coping" (one of the best bridges ever)

[p0dunkpunk]

Okay.. so I can't sleep because I feel like had I not said I was coming home, you'd have never brought up staying over there. It just felt sneaky.. And tbh, it's not even the staying over, it's the fact that it felt like you suddenly had to come clean when a simple "hey im doing this so i wont be home or ill be busy" would have done in the first place.. and like.. what if I hadn't? Would you have mentioned it at all? If I'd just come home at 5am and not found you here and not gotten any answer if I'd messaged about if you'd gotten out of the neighborhood safe.. like... was there no thought of "hey just letting you know I'm going here and I'm safe" or was it just a situation where I didn't have to know til you realized I'd be here and you wouldn't? And now I'm all fucked up in the head cause like.. okay.. are we acting impulsively today? Were other decisions made impulsively? Were you safe? Were my boundaries pushed aside again? Was my health or safety considered? Did you skip protection like the last 2 times? Why was my couch all fucked up and my stuffies were moved? Do my blankets smell different or was that just a hallucination? Like.. I'm realizing I'm not okay. And I feel like no amount of reassurance is gonna make me okay. Because I don't feel safe or secure. You fucking used polyamory as a tool to cheat. I feel like repairing our relationship took a backseat to nurturing a new one and like I'm laying on this stupid fucking couch crying every night while you get to be fucked, cuddled, validated, and reassured, on a whim, that you have worth and want from the person you used to hurt me, when I'm just trying to schlep my ass through the motions of being "okay" every day when im losing my mind trying to put the pieces together to salvage myself? I'm not okay. I'm hurt and honestly I don't know if I can be mended. And I feel like nothing can fix it. I feel like the wife turned ex turned roommate that you just won't tell it's over. And I have nowhere to go and nobody I can talk to and I feel fucking paranoid and stupid and like I can't say any of it to you because I'll just be the bitch who sabotaged your newfound relationship by making you feel guilty. Like.. who am I kidding? This won't work because we're fucking broken.. idk why I'm trying because I feel like I'm never going to be able to fix this when you're moving on to something fresh and new and spontaneous and untainted... I can't sleep. I can't get an appetite.. I can't stop crying. And what's worse is I can't say a fucking thing because you chose my fucking friend to do this with and he has no idea so if I do say anything I fucking lose him too. I'm so angry and I wish I could fucking hate you. I wish I could leave. I wish I could wish I'd never met you because loving you fucking hurts. I wish I could wish I'd never married you. Because I wouldn't be here on my own fucking couch terrified to say a word about any of it and lose you or be seen as the crazy bitch who sabotages your other relationship. God damnit it all just fucking hurts. Fuck you. Fuck you for doing this to me. Fuck you for making me feel safe and then being a fucking liar. Because I'll never not panic when you swear anything to me ever again.

And what's worse is I dropped my guard. I let you back in and I fucking knew this was going to happen. I knew it was going to hurt worse if I came back to you that morning and i still did it because i just wanted to feel like you love me.

I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

[the-firebird69]

This guy Tommy F just changed his look to become FEMA director again it's kind of just telling people that people still don't get it. We have an announcement or two here:

-and there are a few things to talk about and Hera is pulling their son's leg but we have an announcement it's about our son he did good this morning and paid his credit card bill and paid his utility bill for this apartment the other one is still like the same amount of money like nobody's using electricity so he's wondering why he's paying the electric bill over there. He says it's like sometimes a couple dollars for a few dollars you think he thinks but they changed the rate and there's other stuff happening but this apartment is not habitable the walls are just studs and the whole thing and our son went by and looked and that's what it is and it's been that way for months a bunch of months and they said they're going to fix it up but cuz it's something about the moisture is a problem and over there they're getting reports from there renters that it's a problem and they're not telling our friend about it and he's more than our friend he's our son and they're letting him wallow and they did not tell him that it's moisture and they want him to explode and all this s*** so it's actually illegal and they're doing it without a contract with him saying he's going back there and they said 3 months and they will not tell him anything now and won't get him a contract all of which is illegal and I don't seem to care and it is kind of a storm thing and my son is questioning what's really going on it's probably a fight over apartment who owns them and stuff because Trump had some interest in his apartment group and others too so we can still write a temporary agreement here and you could still say something about that and he doesn't want him going over there if he doesn't run that there's also a problem with the water so they can't think of what to say it's not surprised I usually don't say anything when it's a mistake or they say the wrong thing because it's a lie and get some in trouble so now they've chosen to say nothing besides it not being very legal they don't realize the kind of stress our Sun's under and there's time to get it no he's trying to tell them that they're they're all for lunch these people think our son is on his last leg can't go anywhere and can explain it to someone I'm saying that the apartment he said listen carefully I'm 55 years old or older okay when you're 55 is when you qualify 99% of those places of subsidized for people with disabilities on social security you know and they accept disability password as the social security check and they say disability right in the ass because most of you dumb assholes here are disabled mentally and they don't want other people that's a b that this place is going to flood from the f****** God damn road and a stupid God damn f****** trench then I have to move anyways cuz I'm not going to live with the frogs and the bugs it's like English okay this is the English language if you want to speak some other language go somewhere else what's the matter with you f****** retard Stan you're a f****** you're a f****** moron all right I'm saying it like it is you're stupid s*** you're not doing anything right so you get something you know you know what you're the kind of person you go through this s*** knowing you're going to lose so you can tell me look I'm winning and it's small you going to lose in the end you won't listen so I have to be miserable I'm living with some fat ass f****** disgusting witch that's what you sound like you're a broken down disgusting sick ailing witch it's not because you're small it's because you're kind of like this b****...

And he thinks he's winning and he's going to go in the hospital oh yeah that one's closed so he's doing it anyway so it's like a preamble and we're going to we're going to mess that some of the b**** up he's going to be dead soon he saw you ride in the bike and he had a tizzy he's going how did you figure that out it's kind of like I invented the seat I didn't say to stick it up your balls I invented the extension and BG designed it and people copied him and he's saying how the hell is this going to work and I said it's not really your problem you don't have to worry about it but you have to worry about is sweet cheeks and smelly cheeks one of them is sticking perfume in her ass and the other one doesn't bother wiping or cleaning it it's your two little dirty workers you want your money and they're using firecrackers instead of TNT that's your problem now learn some code learn some slang learn some American slang you want me out of here well like I said and you forgot again these places that are apartments they are renting to people who are on disability and jen is and basically we don't like you because you're a f****** a******you're a Mac and we don't like Max I'm not really a racist but I noticed it most if not all of your race has a huge problem with everybody else as if they're inferior because they're not your race now we've seen a lot of you people die Mac proper or Mac of your race you ain't nothing special but your attitude is disgusting and I want my money back and the money you owe me from storm and I want my check it was on the desk and it went that particular check let's save by the end of the week and if not I'm going to start taking a shitload of money from you never see you so we are going to go ahead and do this so he says so you're probably going to the hospital with my diatrab and you're saying I'm going to go to the mental hospital someday and you'll have your Shangri-La and we're going to shut down those hospitals at least the mental hospital portion and we're going to jam them into a tailpipe same with across the street your competition who apparently has a facility and you don't pay attention to that cuz I'm supposed to be making up for it

No he and she a very irate this guy next door is an annoying a****** and he's a b**** and we're going to take care of business and keep saying it people have to get in here and do something so we're going to move on it and we're going to move on it now right now we are going to go ahead and start moving on the sky bja Jason and Terry C and Stan for non-performance of what they're intended use was by everybody and we are going to do that shortly.

Tonight is what short time is going to happen in and it's a couple of bullies they're picking on our son all the time they have foul mouths and are losers like you guys and people have made a list of people that don't need to be around our son it kind of decided to be insane telling him you're everywhere doing everything you're all powerful and crapping all over him to try and get power you're a bunch of losers and we mean it we're going to post a few things and show you your future

Thor Freya

Olympus

You starting to whine about it yeah he's not going to stop

Hera

[adlamu]

meddwl meddwl (somewhat positive edition)

i was talking to a friend of mine about how i've been feeling lately (see: previously on... meddwl meddwl posts) and i think a lot of the problem i've been having is that a) i'm autistic so i don't understand why people wanted to ragebait me about my "special interest" (god, christ i hate that term), aside from me being too overexcited about it and my tone being off-centre/too serious/too intense, b) my forgetting that people tend to be less nice than they appear (because, yknow, i'm autistic and i tend to be more optimistically trusting than i probably should be), and c) the idea of my age possibly being an issue - which, in any fandom is normal and i can usually ignore it, but when it's compounded with the fact that '30yos shouldn't act that way, idc if you're autistic' is a thing (mostly allistic/non-autistic) people genuinely think, it makes me an unknowing target for that kind of ableism (according to my friend).

my reaction to what happened is one of 'oh. again? cool. cool cool cool.' because it's happened so frequently to me growing up undiagnosed/not knowing i'm autistic, and heartbreak because i thought i was making friends and bonding over [tHiNg] (which before, was kinda impossible due to Other reasons i've talked about here before, but won't get into rn) when it appears that i wasn't. i was being made fun of behind my back. i was being shown trap lures (which i only got snagged by once) that were designed to make me go 'uhm ackshually ☝️🤓' (when in all likelihood, i would've been like 'maaaaan, idk abt that >.< /gen' or 'i think [person related to tHiNg] said otherwise, though i can't remember where and what the exacts were rn but i can check >.< /gen' and then probably, accidentally, looped through some mini infodumps). if one member of that particular party hadn't fessed up and apologised in a direct message to me, i wouldn't have known anything about it at all.

the positive end of this is that now that i've talked to one of my friends of seven years, and they've broken it down for me in a way i understand better, i'm far more likely to try being myself again. partly, like my existence, out of spite; partly because i refuse to be made to feel so small and stupid because of my nd brain being the way it is because i am sick to the back teeth of feeling like that. it's been 30 years of feeling like that and i'm tired of that, so i refuse to let it weigh me down so heavily. if i can't be authentically myself (autism and manic depression included), what the fuck can i be? nobody.

i'm done with being made to feel guilty about who i am and how i exist the way that i was built.

tl;dr: had a chat with a friend of mine about recent feelings re: a thing that happened to me + now i'm less sad but more determined to allow myself to be myself because Fuck people for making me feel shitty.