#going full monty

[beachtoosandytranscripts]

2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO

Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could.

Hello everybody, welcome back to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine.

And I'm Alex.

And this week's theme is hotels in Kansas City, Missouri, or Missouri as the locals say.

And us. We're not locals.

And me after a gin and tonic. So we're gonna read our reviews, and then afterward, we're gonna see if I was able to step up to Alexander's Challenge from last week. So stay tuned.

All right. So I'm excited to see what you came up with.

We'll see. We'll see if it's any good. I had a tough time with this one.

But I did find a doozy. This is a review of the Elms Hotel and Spa in Kansas City, Missouri.

Was it like a nice place, or is this like a rundown?

I believe it's quite a nice location. And we do wanna stress again that this is not, we have no feelings for or against any of these locations. This is just some fun stuff we find on the internet and we're just rebroadcasting it.

Let's put it that way. This is a one-star review from Annette.

Went there for our 25th anniversary. As we were heading to the front desk, I noticed a plate of uncovered strawberries sitting on the floor.

By the way, really quick...

Wait, on the floor?

Really quick interjection. Every time I say strawberries, take a drink, because you're going to have a really riot of an evening if you do so. Uh-oh.

Ask about the room. They're at capacity, but gave us a breakfast coupon. He also explained that someone was on their way up to our room with our anniversary package.

OK, head to the room. Strawberries are still on the floor. Pout in my room for about 45 minutes.

Oh, OK, I need to figure this out.

So it took me a while to figure out.

So they walk into the lobby and there are strawberries on the floor. They walk into their room.

So they're walking toward their room and they find strawberries, a plate of strawberries outside of someone else's room.

Oh, and then they go inside their room and find no strawberries in their room. Am I mishearing?

OK, I'm we're heading to the front desk, I assume, from their hotel room. They notice a plate of uncovered strawberries on the floor in the hallway. So then the person and they're there for their anniversary, you know.

So then the person at the front desk says, oh, someone's going to come up with your like anniversary special surprise soon. Right. So she's like, oh, they got strawberries.

So she's like, I better get strawberries. It's the 25th. That's a strawberry anniversary.

Yes. Famously so. Um, so she pouts.

Pout in my room for about 45 minutes and decide to hit the pool. Head down to the pool. Strawberries haven't moved.

My nose starts bleeding and I have my husband grab a pool towel as I didn't want to drip in the pool. So so kind. Go to the front desk, give them my towel, letting them know I'd used it on my bloody nose.

They gave it to the clerk at the front. What are they supposed to do?

That didn't even turn into an issue. I thought that was going to be that. Yeah, that just was part of the routine.

Does it carry through the lobby? Here's my bloody towel. Yep.

My nose was bleeding. While there, I asked if we were supposed to get strawberries with our package, as they hadn't brought any up with them. He said he thought there was a mix up, but he talked to the manager.

On the way back to the room, strawberries were still there. This time, there was a piece of paper with them. So I decided to see what the paper said.

So she reads this note. It was a note thanking them for booking the anniversary package. Sit in the room a while.

Pretty disappointed. Finally, I decided to rinse the chlorine off.

And get dressed up for dinner. As we pass, the strawberries are still sitting there. I stopped by the desk to see what he found out.

He apologized and said he would personally take them to our room. At the time, I let him know about the strawberries. He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us.

Okay, this is going very differently than what I expected. I thought it was going to be some sort of allergy thing, where she's like, oh, no, there's open strawberries. Bloody Nose made me like, oh, maybe she's like realizing she's allergic.

The Bloody Nose has nothing to do with anything. That never comes back.

I'm going to learn. But right now I'm going into these thinking that they're sensical.

And I don't know why. You're going to understand the plot.

Yeah.

No, there's no plot.

Oh, good.

He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us. I said, no, I'm telling you, because that's disgusting.

What?

And if they were mine, I'd be pissed because they were uncovered on the floor. Which, I mean, to be fair, yeah.

I mean, I don't know the timeline, but this seems like a long time that they've been sitting there.

She's pouted for 45 minutes in the room alone.

That's right. She gave us a timeline.

He said, maybe the people didn't want them. I told him about the note I read.

Oh, no.

And he said they were training a new person, and he must have not understood where their strawberries were supposed to go. I told him that we were going out, and to put our strawberries on our desk, we came back later to find them covered on the desk. The strawberries were very good.

That's the end of the review.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was that a one-star review? Are you kidding me?

I mean, they dealt with her bloody towel. They put covered strawberries on the desk. I don't know what the complaint is, but apparently Annette did not have a great time.

Like literally everything she wanted happened.

I mean, I think she was jealous of the neighbors.

My goodness. That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, I know. Wow, that was a long one.

Sorry, but that was a good one. You killed so many people saying strawberries so many times.

I did. Alcohol poisoning runs rampant.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, what do you have for me here?

All right. Well, I kind of went similar route, not with the strawberries, but with a place that was kind of nice because I read some reviews of not so nice places that had mostly one star reviews. And I was like, yeah, I would give them one star too.

Yeah, it's not pretty. Hotel reviews on Yelp are not pretty, guys.

Well, that was, that was, I know many, many hotels in Kansas City to avoid. Well, I found a review of the Embassy Suites in Kansas City. From Sammy.

All right, Sammy.

Who was very disappointed.

Oh, no, Sammy.

Was very disappointed in the staff at the J Bar restaurant. We thought we would be going to an upscale restaurant slash bar, especially since the location is in an upscale area. And it is an Embassy Suite.

It is.

However, the staff all have tattoos. All over their arms. And one of the waitresses had nose, eyes and facial piercings.

She has eye piercing? All over her. She had eye piercings.

Those nose, eyes and facial piercings were all over her body. Yeah, she just put them willy nilly.

She was a Van Gogh painting.

Oh, yeah. Was very disappointed. Was hoping for the class of an embassy.

But got the staff of a low class bar.

What is wrong with people?

They just opened and we were so excited to frequent the J-Bar as we live close by. But we'll rethink. I hope they really think hard about who they hire.

Probably won't be back anytime soon.

Sammy.

End of review.

You will be missed.

Yeah, I know, right? Those staff, they're like.

Seems like he was a great customer to have.

That woman was like, he just kept staring at me and wouldn't say anything.

He was on Yelp on his phone, just like writing and counting my piercings.

This is the kind of guy that writes a review as he's sitting there being uncomfortable because somebody happens to have piercings.

And then tip zero dollars.

Well, I actually have a little bonus to that.

Thank God.

It was a response from the general manager.

Yes, what?

So they did a few paragraphs.

It's going to be a response from the woman with eye tattoos, eye piercings all over her body. But this is second best.

Yes, so they respond with a few paragraphs, but I'm just going to read the middle one. We encourage our servers to express themselves in the way they dress and their interactions with our guests.

Hell yeah.

We focus intently on a high level of service and allow our wait staff to impress our guests more with their service level and food quality. While the staff dress and appearance was an adjustment for me, I am old school. I have found that the energy level and enthusiasm that our staff has brought to the concept is exhilarating.

Oh, I know I like that.

I thought he was going to say exemplary and then he said exhilarating.

No, he's exhilarated. He's like, whoa, I've never seen that many piercings. I mean, I've only been to Kansas City once, but you know, hey, maybe he hasn't seen that many piercings in his life.

And we're a little spoiled. We get to see him all the time here in LA.

That's right. Eye piercings all over the place, truly.

Oh, yeah. Every part of the body. And we embrace it.

Eye piercings in the belly button, eye piercings on the arms, all over. Well, that was beautiful. And also, I feel vindicated on behalf of that weight staff, you know?

Yeah, no, I thought that was nice. And then they did give a little bit of an apology that they were uncomfortable. But at the end, I think the general manager said something like, we hope that you change your views.

Yeah, we hope you don't come back, but change your views.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, my God. Should we tell them about the time we went to that steak house in Kansas? Was it in Kansas City or where was it?

It might have been either Kansas City or like Omaha.

Or somewhere in Kansas. I don't think it was in Missouri. I think it was in Kansas.

We went to a steakhouse on a road trip and I was like, well, I'm in leggings. I should change out. We're going to this nice steakhouse that was on TV food maps, which is a cool website if you haven't checked it out.

Yeah, because it was on. What show was it on?

Diner's? No, that's wrong. Guy Fieri.

And Fieri had nothing to do with it.

I love me some good guy.

I'm not doing that. I don't think he does that either, does he?

No, I think that's just become a weird meme, a vocal meme. You know those. So we went to a steakhouse.

I don't remember what show had been on, but we went to the steakhouse and I was like, well, I'm in leggings. I should change. So I put on like some nice clothes and we walk in.

The first thing I see is a family wearing Mickey Mouse pajama bottoms.

No, Minnie Mouse.

Sorry, you're right. Flannel Minnie Mouse pajamas. And then our server, I mean, they were perfectly nice, but the server says, oh, I'll go get your bread basket.

And she sets down a basket full of saltine crackers on the table. And we thought, did we misunderstand? And boy, was that a culture shock.

Yeah, we were from Ohio, and even we were shocked.

Yeah, that's right.

But the food was pretty delicious.

It was good. But the bread bowl is made of crackers. So if you go there, be warned.

Yeah, Sammy, please avoid that place.

You will not feel right at home in his pajama bottoms.

I guess so.

Very wholesome, you know?

Yeah, I got a piercing is too much. But yeah, he's probably a yeah, a Disney fan.

All right, so let's move on to my challenge.

Yes, I gave you a challenge, and that was to find a review of a baseball stadium that mentioned a football team. When I thought when I was thinking about this, I was like, this seems like something that she wouldn't care about at all and wouldn't really know. It felt like a challenge.

I love sports.

I know you know, I know you're we're big Bengals.

It was a challenge. I will tell you that.

I feel like that would be a challenge.

I was kind of actually really pissed at you when I was researching this.

Oh, I figured.

Yeah, it was really fucking hard. And I was on Wikipedia looking up like cities that have MLB and NFL teams. So I could like Google the stadium and then like search the Yelp reviews for the team.

It was very complicated.

I was hoping you wouldn't take the easy way out and find a stadium that where the team is playing both. Because I think that's a thing.

Yeah, it is. And I did stumble upon that. That's not what I did, though.

And also those weren't great anyway.

So you did try to take the easy way out. I see.

Oh, I mean, I don't know why that's a shock to you, to be honest. But yes, I always try to take the easy way out. Unfortunately, I could not.

So this week, I discovered my new friend, Monty. Yeah, Monty.

This guy's something about that name. I like it. But at the same time, it sounds like the kind of guy that you don't want to read his reviews of baseball stadiums.

Oh, boy, do you. This is Monty's review of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. Now, this is a little twist.

It is a five star review.

Oh, I did not expect which is acceptable. We allow that in the challenges.

I'm really glad we didn't like limit ourselves to only one service because I feel like some of the five stars are even fucking fantastic. Oh, no, I was going to say batshit crazy.

Oh, OK.

I guess we can go. Yeah.

I mean, for what we do, it's fantastic.

Fantastic indeed. So this is a five star review of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. Disclaimer.

Oh, this is already Monty's.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I was going to say, is he really putting a disclaimer on my disclaimer?

The Giants are my family.

I love them. First of all, duh, garlic fries. Oh, by the way, you should imagine that every other word is all capital letters.

First of all, duh, garlic fries. For the love of God. Secondly, it's not as cold as frickin candlestick.

The location is fantastic. The upper levels have beautiful views of the bay. There's not a bad seat in the house.

Splash hits bury frickin bonds. The freak can hit shaboigans. Oh, did I say garlic fries?

What year was this from?

He needs to see a doctor.

It's like so many like things in there that that just make me think that it's like at least 20 years old as a review.

I have a headache just reading this. Wi-Fi throughout the park. The fans are not Raider loving lookers.

No, no siree.

Ding ding ding Raiders. The Coke bottle slide. It's an SF for Pete's sake.

Garlic fries.

It's a what? An FS?

It's in, it's in SF.

I thought it was FS like freaking slide like.

It's a FS, you know, a freaking slide. It's in SF for Pete's sake. Garlic fries, garlic fries, garlic fries.

Why am I even explaining this to you? Just go! Monty.

How do you, oh my gosh. Did you have any like idea of how old this man is?

Yeah, I clicked on his profile, obviously.

Of course.

He's probably in his 30s. I'm not kidding.

Okay, I expected at least 60.

Guess what? Every single one of his reviews, he reviewed a taco place, some restaurants, a bank. They're all five star reviews with a lot of, like I've never seen someone use so many exclamation points.

And then there was one, one star review.

Oh my gosh. What was it?

Home Depot.

Of all places.

And it said, if you enjoy having to look for something and having no one help you, this is the place for you.

That's it?

There was like one other line.

I mean, that seems so not Monty.

I feel like he might have been having a bad day, but if you know Monty as well as I do, you know that he's a good guy. He's a he has ups and downs, but like mostly he's up, up, up, up, way higher than everyone else.

Oh, yeah. I mean, that's good. It makes up for those lows when he says that the home deep, local Home Depot wasn't great, wasn't up to his par, you know.

I have a feeling you bookmark this like his profile for future episodes because you're ready to use Monty again.

I can tell. 100 percent. He had a lot to say and a lot of it was was fucking fantastic, bad shit, crazy.

And you got to remember the Giants Air's family. So that's obviously part of it, too.

It shouldn't be. I mean, well, OK, it should be.

But it's a disclaimer. Just take it or leave it.

That was such a what I think. I don't understand that. Is that him saying he's biased because he likes the Giants?

So therefore he's automatically giving a five star reviews review like them.

He's related to them.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He loves them.

So he's biased unconditionally. But I feel like the review was about the garlic fries, not about the team at all.

I mean, I think that was his attempt at subliminal messaging. Oh, even though I, you know, it's weird.

He works for like Big Garlic or something.

You know, it's weird. I must have been hungry doing this because I just realized that strawberries and garlic fries were repeated at least 15 times each.

That's a good point.

And none of what we've talked about has had anything to do with food. We picked hotels, not even restaurants. We picked baseball and football.

Yeah, I clearly have. Oh, wait, I just realized what my next challenge is.

Oh, my goodness. You know what? I don't even know if I want to know.

Oh, my God. This is so messed up. I was clearly not in the right headspace or the best headspace.

Who knows? You want to hear your challenge?

I think first we should do a little spiel.

Do the spiel.

You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Beach Too Sandy, on Facebook at Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. Our website is beachtoosandy.com.

You can listen to us on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Google Play, wherever you listen to podcasts. And please rate, review and subscribe if you have not yet. That really helps us.

And we're looking for Monty reviews here, like five star.

Full Monty.

Go full Monty.

If you will.

Oh, man, that was good.

Thank you. I'm really funny. You know, send us your thoughts, your desires.

If you have a request for a certain topic or theme or challenge, let us know.

Yeah, let us know where you live and what kind of businesses are in the area that you have opinions about.

Your social security number, your address, all the good stuff.

Everything, everything that we deserve.

Thank you.

All right. Let's how about we announce what the theme for next week is and the challenge?

Oh, OK, sure. Do you have the OK. So who goes first?

I'll give you the theme.

Sure. What's the theme?

So the theme for next week is car washes in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

All right. I'm pumped for that.

I think that's I don't know car washes.

I feel like that's a good one because I feel like hotels, you get a lot of bedbugs. And so it's hard to sift through that car washes. You can go all sorts of directions.

Oh, yeah.

OK, you ready for your challenge?

I mean, after I gave you that one, probably not. I don't I don't deserve anything fun and good.

Probably good because this is what I have for you. This is your challenge. Please find a review of a barbecue joint written by a vegan.

Oh, my gosh.

Or how about we narrow it to the barbecue and vegans? And then if it's just so much like if you just can't find anything, then you can expand it a little bit if you want.

No.

OK. Oh, you're going to take the full challenge.

Yeah. I'm taking the full Monte.

OK, great.

All right.

All right. Thanks, guys, for listening. Episode three is out, so go check that out.

And then we're going to be releasing weekly.

Yeah, thanks, everyone.

[loving-delusions]

im still not over this episode guys, srry bout that..

im just ill about any lunar variant, in general

[volvosandvampires]

Importantly, they both have “vicious streaks a mile wide.”

[ratatatastic]

"...I think they said—the one day we went back to the rink—I think we had to sign—our owners had to sign every champagne bottle and I think they said there was over 160 champagne bottles? That were—and like obviously not—" "Like empties you mean? Yeah, just like—" "Empties! Like just spraying everywhere!" ... "Our locker room had, obviously, booze and water and champagne up to, like, my ankles. Our room probably, like, I think the floor had to have—you should ask those guys but I think they would—I would assume they would have to take that floor out and completely fix it up." "Yep. Redo it." "Like it was—yeah, it was crazy. We had staff, management—their kids—coaching, our families just packed in there. Yeah it was, you know, smoke—you can't even see the person beside ya 'cuz cigar smoke all over the place." "You're just walking around in a flooded basement." "I'm like going into the hallway, ripping our security guys that we had into the locker room to, like, just pour a load of beer on, like, you know? Everyone in the arena was involved. Yeah, that was a super, super, cool moment. You know, I'm curious to see how much that room costs to fix up." "Yeah, we'll find out!"

Empty Netters | 8.26.24 (x)(x)

"And Anton, you talked about getting ready for next season in practise already. We see you on Instagram practising with HIFK there—back home in Finland. What was it like the first time you put the skates back on after winning the Stanley Cup? Did it feel different? Did, kind-of, the magic come rushing back a little bit there?" "Kind-of... kind-of... it was actually a little weird because all of our gear was, like, soaked in champagne and beers and—you know, after Game 7, like, we still had part of our gears on us. I have to say there was a lot of champagne floating on the floor in the locker room. So I was kind-of worried about my gear if it's gonna make back for the first time around next season but it felt actually pretty good. I would've thought it would have felt worse putting the skates on again but since we played so many games the past two seasons...we're kind-of used to playing—it's weird to not play.

Territory Talk | 8.26.24 (x)

[oblivionsdream]

WIP- I’m kind of obsessed with the way young King Monty is turning out?

[youredyingthatsallthereis]

in some very good personal news though my orchids are doing amazing and one of them is going to flower VERY soon and the other is not far behind!!! i also finally repotted my smaller monstera and he is looking very happy :3

[socksandbuttons]

Its so weird seeing your colored art cause im used to your little doodles :/

bruh honestly same

[treewithabark]

Junebug’s on holiday!!

[zillabean]

I am the biggest sucker for Hannibal Rescuing Will tropes.

Dark Savior Hannibal is just such a sexy and violently decadent flavor! ~

(Team Daikaiju, you get extra sausage with your order ;p)

[personinthepalace]

Let It Go - The Full Monty

Song: Let It Go - The Full Monty Broadway Musical (2000)

Movie: The Full Monty (1997)

Fun fact: Andre De Shields was in the original Broadway and West End cast!!

[mystic-writings]

i love how the past six hours has just been me actively developing a head cold that was previously just a bad throat bc of acid reflux. what kind of immune system am i working with here chat

[achillean-knight]

JUST watched a video about the Afton's and I really love their British accents, but I've seen people dislike it so.... I'm curious. Reblogs or comments welcomed, I really want to know people's thoughts on this!

[1luckyrubberducky]

Seeing these au stories really gets me to push the AUau comic even more. The stories I have planned for each character are just about ready!

[nooooough]

Bob getting beat down so easily by Lila makes me wonder how the heck he managed to kill 8 people before this :/

[theinsanecrayonbox]

Yup I did a micro Monty too, because of course I would lol

I ran out of the body green though, and didn’t have enough of a slightly different colored green so I had to scale back the tail to make it work. But he’s done, and even with the two tones, I still dig it.