#going for walk wont fix depression but you might see a butterfly or a cool leaf or a cute animal

[silvermothsio]

I got fired for a combination of things I later realized was burnout symptoms+ COVID.

It took me over 2 years to find work again.

Burnout has a lot of overlap with CPTSD, I found out the hard way.

For the entire first year I was completely non-functional. I even had physical and auditory flashbacks to the things that made my burnout happen. I was exhausted and exhausting myself. I didn't know how to stop.

I had to cut back on a lot of people, I didn't have the emotional or mental strength for even some of my closest friends. And certainly not for the more energetic ones.

For the second year I was learning how to get out of bed again. I don't remember much of it. Not in a natural way at least. Event-memories are there, but they feel out of place. Towards the end of that year, I was able hold short positive conversations. I watched the job market and considered my newly acquired limitations. There wasn't much available.

I cut back on more people. The lack of financial stability was too much on top of my still unwell mental state, and most of my friends weren't doing well either. I love them immensely, but I needed space in a way they couldn't provide. Ironically I ran into an old friend during that time, and it helped ground me again.

I sat at my hobby desk a little each day and disassociate. I couldn't read. I couldn't watch anything or play games. I could barely listen to music. But sitting there was nice. My desk was familiar, even if I didn't have the strength to do any of the hobbies that I kept there.

Months went by. Chores got a little easier. The flashbacks stopped. Food tasted like it mattered. My desk felt like home again. I kept it cleaned up, and started cleaning my tools and drawing supplies again. I managed to get myself to start applying for work again. Spent more time pulling my life together. A few friends supported me in ways I can't even begin to express my gratitude for.

Tried my luck again with the job market, and I managed to land one! Got lucky with a manager and co-workers I like as well.

I still find myself struggling at my desk, but I painted again a few weeks ago. I even got my new account here set up properly.

It's slow.

It's painfully slow, but recovering is possible.

Be gentle with yourself.

[justniaaa]

Unravel Me (4)

Gif by: @blackisblackisblack​

Rating 18+NSFW

Work Count: 3.4k

Pairing: Christopher “Rio” Martinez xblack!oc

Warning: Swearing, mentions of a gun

A/N: Hey my loves! I’ve missed you guys so much, so sorry for the late update. I’m not going to lie and say it wont happen again because it most likely will but I wasn’t expecting to be gone for so long. Anxiety/ Depression is a fucking bitch bro and like I said before even if my posting isn’t constant, I always want to make sure to give you guys content. Thanks for you for rocking with me and Enjoy chapter 4! Happy reading and please dont forget to like, comment and reblog <3

Summary: Toni forms an unsuspecting friendship with Christopher that turns into something more. As her feelings towards him continue to grow she starts to  unravel the secrets that surround him and in return, he unravels her completely.

Chapter 4: Let the games begin

After the eventful night between Toni and Chris, it was like the days went by rather quickly and before she knew it, Friday was here and Toni’s nerves were coming along for the ride. When she came home that night and told her girls about what transpired with her and the mysterious business mogul they gave out beaming smiles and all three of them jumped around, excited that Toni was going out on a date. And of course, don’t even get her started on Aaliyah, the woman was more than elated, and every chance she got she made sure to bother Toni about her new “boyfriend.”

Toni was walking in from work at Print Monthly and let out a yawn. Working two jobs, and writing a new article was slowly catching up with her, but with enough caffeine, she thinks she could make it through. She took off her heels and placed her keys on the entrance table trying to stifle yet another yawn, that was on its way out of her mouth. As she went further into the apartment she didn’t hear any movement from either of the girl’s rooms so she figured she was home alone. Toni went into her room not caring to turn on the light since she had a small night light in the corner and shut the door. She dropped her purse on the floor and took off her clothes, only leaving on her bra and panties. Toni sighed and shuffled to her bed, face planting into it as she wrapped her sherpa throw around her body. Since the AC was fixed the day before her place was nice and cool and all she wanted to do was take a small nap.

But before she could float away to unconsciousness her door was rushed open and the light flicked on, “Oh no bitch, get up!”

Toni groaned hearing Rocky’s voice and covered her face with the blanket, wishing for  a couple of minutes of sleep, “Antonia Kelis Thompson, up now!”

The blanket was ripped away from Toni, and she put her face into the pillow, “Just five minutes,” she groaned.  

“No, get up! Sage made you a smoothie to help with your energy before she left for the grocery store and you need to drink it so we can get you together for tonight.”

Toni turned her head and looked at Rocky, she was standing next to her bed with her eyebrow raised and a hand on her hip and the other was outstretched with said green smoothie in her grasp.

“It’s only six Rocky, we meet up at nine.”

True to his word, Chris hit her up and they set up a time and place to meet up, the place being an escape room to which Toni was particularly thrilled about. She had always wanted to go to one and she vaguely remembered mentioning it to him on one of their morning talks at the cafe. After they arranged their night out they continued texting each other throughout the day and it felt good to have that feeling of giddiness whenever she heard her phone ding and it possibly being him.

Toni huffed and sat up, sitting cross-legged on her bed and took the drink from Rocky’s hand. Taking a few sips she scrunched up her face from the taste but soldiered on when she saw the look Racquel gave her. When she finally finished the last bits of the smoothie, she put the glass on her nightstand and turned back to her friend.  

“All finished, what’s next on the list warden?”

Racquel rolled her eyes, “So damn dramatic, go take a shower and I’ll dive into that mess  you call a closet to find you something to wear.”

Toni stretched her limbs as she stood up from the bed while Rocky shooed her to the bathroom grabbing her towel from the back of the door in the process.

“And don’t forget to shave bitch!” Rocky yelled out.

“I shaved my legs yesterday, why the hell am I going to do them again?” Toni said poking her head out from the doorway, her confusion was evident.

“I’m not talking about your legs, girl,” Raquel said, winking. Toni didn’t plan on sleeping with Chris tonight but with how crazy the attraction was between them anything was possible. So with understanding and gratitude, Toni simply nodded and backed into the bathroom, closing the door and getting to work.

After the long half-hour of exfoliation, shaving, and showering, Toni came out of the bathroom feeling fresh and squeaky clean and walked into the sight of her bed strewn with clothes. She took in the sight of her best friends arguing with a piece of clothing in their hands about which outfit would work best. She chose to ignore them knowing that whatever they picked would be applicable and tightened the towel on her form, going to her vanity to do her makeup and hair. The girls interrupted her a few times showing her what they chose and Sage helped Toni curl her hair in the back. Music and bouts of laughter were heard throughout the home and the minutes ticked by getting closer to when Toni was deemed to leave. She was just putting on her light blue jeans when her phone went off, interrupting the song that was playing on her Bluetooth. Rocky and Sage continued talking about whether she should wear heels or sneakers, and Toni finished buttoning her pants walking over to her device. The name Chris was on her screen, and before the voicemail picked up she answered.

“Hello,” she said.

“There she is, thought you weren’t gonna answer,” Chris’s smooth voice came through the phone, making Toni’s stomach flutter with butterflies. She could vaguely hear noises of machinery in the background but she didn’t think anything of it because as quickly as the noise came it was gone, like he went into a separate room.

“I mean I didn’t have to pick up, especially since you're interrupting me getting ready for my date,” Toni sat down on the bench at the end of her bed.

“Oh, word? Who’s the lucky man?”

Toni looked down at her nails, “Some guy I met a couple of weeks ago, he ain’t all that but I decided to have mercy and give him a chance.”

Chris laughed into the receiver, “I bet he’s hype as fuck to take your pretty ass out.”

Toni shrugged like he could see her, “I mean, I am kind of great.”  

“That you are Antonia, that you are.”

Toni covered her mouth with her fingers, trying to control the megawatt smile that was threatening to break out. They knew each other barely a month and already the way Chris made Toni feel was slightly alarming. “Is everything okay though, because if you need to change the time or something that’s fine.”

“Nah we good, just wanted to check up on you. And make sure I wasn’t gonna do an escape room by myself.”

“No worries, I’ll be there,” Toni said grinning.

“Aiight, so I’ll see you soon yeah?”

“Yes, sir nine o’clock.”

Chris chuckled, “Aight mama, later.”

Toni hung up and put her phone back on the charger, “I’m guessing from all the flirting we just heard, that was him,” Sage asked.

She shook her head, “Yeah, he was calling to make sure we were still on tonight.” Toni went and looked at the shoe options they picked out, thankful that her friends lended out a helping hand.  

“We think the all-white Nike’s would look great with your outfit. Plus it will give your feet a break from the heels and you can run around as you play the game with your boyfriend,” Rocky smirked when Toni gave her a dirty look at her use of the “B” word.

“I agree,” she told them. After bending down to put her sneakers on, Toni stood up and examined her outfit in the mirror, liking how it looked. The white bodysuit accentuated her curves and the light blue jeans and sneakers really brought everything together, making her feel comfortable but be cute at the same time. Toni sprayed her perfume and got her crossbody bag and phone, listening to her friends give her a pep talk as she walked to the front door.

“We put some wipes in your bag and some mints as well just in case your breath gets hot,” Sage said, following behind Toni.

“Oh yes and some pepper spray if he decides to get handsy,” Raquel continued, bringing up the rear, “You never know he can turn into an asshole when the clock strikes twelve.”

Sage gave Rocky a glare and nudged her, “I doubt it will come to that, Racquel but it is always good to be safe.”

“Yes, it is,” Rocky grumbled, rubbing her sore side. Sage may be small but her elbow had some power behind it.

Toni turned to them when they reached the door, “Thanks guys for all the help.”

“We got your back girl, you know that.”

“And have fun tonight please, you deserve it and it will do you good to get some dick. It might help you stop being so damn uptight.”

“Sage!” Toni gasped, hitting the girl’s arm while Rocky stood next to her nodding in agreeance.

“I can’t stand you guys.” Toni picked up the keys she left on the small table by the door and opened her arms, “Alright give me some loving.”

They all came in for a group hug, just like they always did back in college, “Love you hoes,” Toni murmured.

“We love you too,” Sage and Rocky said together.

*****************************************************************************************************

Pulling into the parking lot Toni texted Chris letting him know she had arrived and while she waited on his reply she stared down at her phone and went through her social media. Suddenly a knock on her window made her jolt in the seat and look up with a hand to her chest. She let out a breath when she saw it was Chris at her window, his eyebrow raised and his mouth curved into a smirk.

“Geez Chris, you scared the shit out of me,” Toni exclaimed through the closed window.

She reached next to her, to get her purse and took her keys out of the ignition, placing them and her phone into her bag. She unlocked the door and he opened it for her, a smile still residing on his lips, “My bad ma, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Toni side-eyed him as she got out, “Liar, you know damn well it’s too dark for your ass to be playing games.”

“Oh shit, don’t tell me big bad Antonia is scared of the dark.” Chris closed her car door behind her and Toni hit her key fob locking the vehicle. They began walking through the sparsely lit up parking lot, heading towards the building that had MadeYa Look Escape Room in bright lights at the front.

“Listen, frightening things live in the night, so don’t shame me.”

Chris chuckled as they walked side by side, his hands behind his back, “Nah, no shaming here baby. I used to be the same way, years ago.”

Toni felt a jolt at this new nickname, she hadn’t been called baby from the opposite sex in years and it made her feel warm inside to be hearing it from him. Toni decided to play it cool and not show how much the term of endearment affected her, but she secretly promised herself she would gush about it later in the privacy of her home.

“What made you stop being scared?” Toni asked as they finally reached the entrance.

She went to open the door but his ring covered hand was suddenly on top of hers, making her palm sweat on the cool metal of the handle, “When I became the scary thing to the monsters.”

Toni noticed the sudden shift between them as she gazed into his dark brown orbs. You would think after a statement like that she would be afraid but she felt perfectly fine, safe even. She didn’t know what to think about that, so she intended to not think about it at all.

“I forgot to tell you earlier but you look beautiful,” Chris said, his eyes not leaving hers, he was close enough that he could hear her breath stutter but didn’t comment. Toni bit her lip and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear.

“You got your nose pierced,” she said, surprised. Toni saw the faint glint of the piercing from the glare of the lights and even though she never dated a guy with one it was different and it fit him perfectly.

Chris took note of the change of subject but he nodded anyway and ran his tongue across his bottom lip, making it shine, “You like it?”  

“It’s cute,” She said with faux disinterest. Just like last time, with the close proximity they were in Toni could smell his cologne that was dark and subtle. They would kiss if she stood on her tiptoes.

“You ready for me to whoop your ass in this game?” Chris teased, and just like that the spell was broken and the light-hearted flirting came back into play.

Toni scoffed, grateful for the break from the tension “Please, the question is are you ready?”

With her hands still encompassed in his, they both opened the door and went to the front desk to pay and get instructions. The brunette clerk who they later learned was named Debbie was none the wiser to the something that transpired moments before, as she explained rules and questioned which room they wanted to play. While the middle-aged woman was talking, he had his hand rested on the small of Toni’s back and tried as she might she couldn’t focus on anything else but the heat of his palm. Luckily, another couple came in after them and they were able to play against the pair in the zombie apocalypse escape room. Before the game started Toni and Chris set up a bet for whoever solved the most clues even though they were on the same team. Toni ran her hand through her loose curls to put her hair up in a ponytail waiting for the countdown and noticed Chris’s outfit, “You don’t think you’ll get hot running around in your jacket?”

As per usual Chris was clad in all black but he had on a jean jacket over a black shirt this time rather than a regular button-up.  

“I’m straight,” Chris said nonchalantly. Before she could interrogate him further, Debbie’s voice came onto the intercom letting them know she was starting the countdown. Quickly, ten seconds turned to one, and the game began.

*****************************************************************************************************

The couple walked out of the room breathless and delighted with how well the game turned out. They beat the newlyweds by a landslide with one minute to spare, and unfortunately to Chris’s exasperation, Toni solved most of the clues and now she had full reign over tonight.

“Congrats guys!” The clerk complimented as she handed them two free t-shirts for winning and even offered to snap a picture of them to put on their winner board. Chris declined grumbling about how he hated taking pictures but of course, when Toni gave him puppy dog eyes and reminded him she was the captain of tonight he grudgingly relented. Only on the grounds of them taking the photo on their personal phones and that Toni promised not to rag on him the rest of the date.  

Toni gave the woman her phone already opened to the camera app and they both took their place in front of the winner’s board. She didn’t know where to position herself, not wanting to be too much in Chris’s personal space if he wasn’t comfortable with it, but he made the decision for her when he put his arm on her shoulders and brought her in close, making Toni’s palms sweat. She quickly decided to wrap her arms around his waist praying he couldn’t feel her heart practically beat out her chest when she leaned against his side. They both looked at the camera with big smiles earning an “Awww you two are adorable!” from Debbie.

As Toni went to pull away, she brushed against something solid and what felt oddly like steel under his jacket. Stepping back Toni pondered over the fact that the object that she touched was most likely a gun and that was probably the reason why he didn’t want to take off his jacket before the game.

“Here you go hun,” Debbie said, passing Toni her phone.  

Toni graciously thanked her while she took the device and tried to school her features. She knew people had guns, even her father had some locked away at his house but something about him hiding it made her stomach roll.

They went out into the cool night and Toni walked next to Chris quietly still thinking, “So where to boss, since you running shit now.”  

A beat passed and she could see Chris in her peripheral take a look at her, wondering why she wasn’t responding.

“You good mama?” He inquired.

 She was acting like such a dumb ass, it wasn’t like he was her boyfriend he didn’t have to necessarily tell her why he had a gun and she was fine when he told her the monsters were afraid of him. So why did the gun affect her so much?

Toni looked over at him seeing his brows knitted in worry and decided to push the issue aside for a second. “Yep, but the real question is are you good after that ass whooping I gave you? Mr. I’m gonna win just watch.”

Chris groaned, “I thought you promised you wasn’t gonna flame me.”

“Obviously I lied, I just wanted you to stop whining and take the damn picture.”

“Nah, I just think you wanted a pic so you could look at it and fantasize about me all the time.”

Toni snickered and pushed him, “Please, don’t flatter yourself.”  

They were still talking when they finally reached her car. Toni leaned against her door, she could see his Range a couple of spaces from hers. “So what now Antonia?”

He asked while he stood in front of her, his hands in his pockets.

“Not sick of me yet?” Toni wondered, tilting her head.

“Never that darlin’.’”

Toni cleared her throat feeling her cheeks burn, damn him, he knew exactly what the hell he was doing. Not wanting to put it off any longer she made the choice to just ask him about the gun, not wanting to proceed with the night without being in the know.  “Can I...ugh this is probably so stupid but can I ask you a question first before we leave here?”

He straightened when he heard the way she stuttered like she was worried about questioning him, “Go ahead.”

Toni crossed her arms, “You can tell me it's none of my business and honestly it’s not that big of a deal but is there a reason why you didn’t want to tell me you were carrying a gun? I felt it while we were taking the picture.”

She was expecting him to get upset about her interrogation  but his posture went lax, seeming happy that that was what she wanted to ask.

“I didn’t say anything ‘cause I wasn’t sure if it was gonna freak you out. I use it for protection only and I should have told you instead of assuming.”  

Toni sighed and rubbed her forehead, “No, I apologize it just took me by surprise is all. I knew someone that carried and it always seemed like he used it more to showcase how much of a dick he was rather than use it as a safety precaution.”

“Hey,” Chris raised Toni’s chin, making her focus on him. “Don’t ever be scared to ask me somethin’.  Even if I don’t like the question, imma always try and give you as much of the truth that I can, aight?”

“Okay,” Toni said.

“Okay,” Chris dropped his hand and grabbed Toni’s holding it in his grasp, still looking at her, “So we gonna chill in this parking lot all night or we gonna go to the next spot?”

Toni lightly squeezed his hand with a mischievous glint in her eye, “I know the perfect place.”

“Aiight then,” Chris walked to the passenger side of her car waiting, “Let’s go.”

“You’re not gonna drive your car?” Toni wrinkled her nose, puzzled whilst unlocking the car.

Chris opened the door and simply said, “Nope I trust you,” before getting into the vehicle leaving Toni speechless.

Toni let out a harsh breath and whispered “This man is too fine,” getting into the car as well. It seemed like their night had only begun.

Tag list: @aria725 @kikilovesdankmemes​ @briannab1234​