#gods I'm rambling
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some epilogue vibes (an excuse to draw some hugs. and my durge so many times)
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate 3 spoilers#wyll#karlach#astarion#shadowheart#lae'zel#minsc#jaheira#durge#oc: noon#anyway as said attempting to tag late game stuff more just in case#spoilers in the tags also bc i'm gonna ramble lol ->#i'mm😔having played embrace durge for most of the game all the sweetness punched me in the face (affectionate) like girllllll lol😔😭<3#tho let wyll be hugged damnit >:(#(i wonder if they added wyll hug in the new patch? doubts i don't trust like that but huge if they did)#also idk why minsc got that ending lmao. i didn't even know there were diff outcomes just found out looking for his ref for this pic LOL#i helped nine fingers and the guild helped in the endfight?? idk what happened but godspeed my guy#also loved jaheira's ''good to see you please for the love of gods remember to never have kids''#minsc in the bg: ''i'm getting executed tomorrow💯💪''#also i didn't even know why karlach glowed blue then looked it up like oh😭😔🥺 ohhhhh
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I think, perhaps one of the funniest things to come from EPIC popularising the Odyssey is that now a ton of people think Poseidon wanted to kill Odysseus.
In the Odyssey, Poseidon has no intention of killing Odysseus. In fact, part of the whole reason Zeus lets Poseidon do whatever he wants even though he thinks Odysseus is rad and should get to kiss his wife is explicitly because Poseidon had no intentions of killing Odysseus. Poseidon wanted to pay back the suffering/inconvenience blinding Polyphemus would have caused. It's a really abstract thing tbh. How do you pay back someone permanently disabling your son? Poseidon's solution was just to amputate Odysseus from his other half; i.e. Penelope. The end game was never murder, it was always an endurance race.
(Od. Book 1: Zeus reassuring Athena that he is not, in fact, a part of Odysseus Hater-Nation. Trans. Robert Fagles)
Also, for those wondering if there's any sort of in text reason for why Poseidon wasn't around in God Games - at the time in the Odyssey when Athena petitions Zeus to let Odysseus leave Calypso's island, Poseidon was -checks notes- on vacation in Ethiopia. Yep. He left to Ethiopia for a festival and thusly was very much absent for Athena's whole "please let Ody go? Please? 🥺" request.
(Od. Book 1: While Odysseus was suffering, Poseidon went to party in the east)
I am begging y'all to read the Odyssey. It's a comedy for everyone except Odysseus and Penelope who are, in fact, suffering 24/7 365.
#ginger rambles#ginger chats about greek myths#Sorry for the quality of the quotes but I'm too tired to google a pdf vers of the Odyssey and then edit those so y'all are getting#my crunchy pictures from one of my physical copies of the book lol#it's reiterated multiple times that Poseidon doesn't want Odysseus dead too#he is literally just driving him mad on the ocean because that's what Odysseus condemned Polyphemus to by blinding him#Also there's no good way to mention this but the Odyssey starts#by Zeus lamenting how mortals blame all their troubles and miseries on the gods when that's just not fair#because the gods go out of their way to warn the mortals that will be saddled with the most wretched fates#and they ignore the gods and do whatever they want anyway LMFAO#It's a really smart way to tie in the whole Orestes plot that would have wrapped up in between Odysseus getting stranded on Ogygia#and Odysseus getting off of Ogygia#epic the musical#epic the wisdom saga#zeus#athena#odysseus#poseidon#the odyssey
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what if i broke all the bones in your legs actually
#ramble#please let this be a fucking joke#i cannot imagine being this out of touch#YEAH IT'S ALMOST LIKE ART TAKES FUCKING EFFORT AND THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE DO ENJOY IT ACTUALLY#the phrase 'labour of love' exists for a reason#i sat and watched my grad film on repeat for days when it was done bc i was so proud that my hundreds of hours paid off#I DON'T MAKE ART TO SIT AND LOOK AT IT#I MAKE IT BECAUSE I PUT TIME AND LOVE INTO IT AND I GET TO LOOK AT IT AND BE LIKE I MADE THAT WITH MY HANDS!!! AND MY BRAIN#GOD FORBID YOU PUT A SECOND OF WORK INTO ANYTHING IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE ANYMORE YOU USELESS FUCK????#i'm so sorry i'm unreasonably mad about this#is it crazy for me to say that you should have to do some things in your life?????? god forbid you read your own emails#what are you DOING how fucking LAZY can you be????#and that is NOT a word i ever want to use but this is the DEFINITION of lazy#kids with adhd aren't lazy. tech bros wanting the exact same things that people have worked years for at the push of a button are lazy#i actually need to go and put my face in grass i'm so upset#thankfully. basically every musician who saw this shut it the fuck down and told him he was an idiot so that's nice
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Btw, Athena's line to Hera about Odysseus never cheating on his wife is canon to Epic AND the Odyssey~ byeeee~
#it's not cheating if you didn't consent to it :P and/or were coerced.#Mad rambles#shot by odysseus#epic the musical#epic the wisdom saga#odysseus#odyssey#hera#athena#odypen#I'm seeing some shit and hush :) Odysseus didn't cheat in the Odyssey either.#god games
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Omfg I'm gonna cry! One artist solved the MalleYuu fae-human lifespan conflict with the most original idea.
Yuu gave birth to so much of his children that their fae blood almost completely replaced hers during pregnancy 😭 and gave her indefinitely infinite life 😭
Here's the comic
#I can't even come up with this oh my god#I'm stealing this idea 🤣#twisted wonderland#ventique shares#malleus draconia#malleus x reader#ventique rambles#malleyuu
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wife
#yeah i'm not dead woo let's celebrate#my art#kuroshitsuji#kuroshitsuji fanart#black butler#black butler fanart#grelle sutcliff#grell sutcliff#anyway i didn't draw SHIT for a good while and when i got back to it i suddenly hated using the flat marker brush???#it's part of what makes my signature distinctive so i used it for that but yeah i switched brushes#oddly enough i'm not hating the more textured look? it gets very pixelated at times but it's not awful#back to the signature- it felt weirdly nice to sign things again#i haven't in a while#if you're one of the very few people who also follow me on instagram you'll know i don't use it on there#and the only art i've been doing these days has been original work so yeah nothing on tumblr#and thus the words 'brain exhaustion god stan' have not been written by this comically large hand in a hot minute#enough rambling this is just grelle art because i love her and i know y'all love her too so i thought it would be a nice comeback piece
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RIP Will Campos the only person who was murdered this episode.
#I fucking loved this episode but also FUCK- OH UH DON'T READ MY TAGS IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED YET CAUSE UH SPOILERS LOL#dndads#dungeons and daddies#the peachyville horror#dndads spoilers#dndads s3 ep 5#tony collette#ebenezer white#[breathes]#TONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK#choosing to believe there's a chance they save him#I REALLY hope they save him#please these tags were gonna be me rambling about how I'm so ready for him to accidentally become an actual spy#and how Ebenezer is just one more person I need him to have homoerotic tension with#BUT NOW WHAT#Anyways poor Will but also not poor Will cause it was REALLY funny how much everyone was screwing with him this episode zkbfeskgzl#stupidly it was the moth bit that got me the most and particularly Matt describing its journey lmao#Somehow- like I knew the Trudy stuff was gonna be dark but somehow it was even darker than I imagined like fuuuuuck#Also sounds like the people who theorized there'd been an og human Trudy were *probably* right?#Heh. But was it a normal death or was she *murdered* dun dun dun#*Very* excited for Kelsey's boxing match#Francis UH OH GOD??#the two scoops line was perfect though#what else what else... No I'm just caught on that ending now god DAMN it I don't care if they pull some cheap shit to save him#oh actually I know exactly what I want out of this but I'll make a separate post about that one sec lol#undescribed
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On being Jewish, and traumatized (It’s been 5 months and I want to talk):
Judaism is a joyous religion. So much of our daily practice is to focus us on the things that are good. I know that there’s a joke that all our holidays can be summed up as “they tried to kill us. We survived – let’s eat!”, and you might think that holidays focused on attempts at killing us might be somber, but they’re really not. Most are celebrated in the sense of, “we’re still here, let’s have a party!” When I think about practicing Judaism, the things I think about make me happy.
But I think a lot of non-Jews don’t necessarily see Judaism the same way. I think in part it’s because we do like to kvetch, but I think a lot of it is because from the outside it’s harder to see the joy, and very easy to see the long history of suffering that has been enacted on the Jewish people. From the inside, it’s very much, “we’re still here, let’s party” and from the outside it’s, “how many times have they tried to kill you? Why are you celebrating? They tried to KILL YOU!”
And I want to start with that because a lot of the rest of this is going to be negative. And I don’t want people to read it and wonder why I still want to be Jewish. I want to be Jewish because it makes me happy. My problem isn’t with being Jewish, it’s with how Jews are treated.
What I really wanted to write about is being Jewish and the trauma that’s involved with that right now.
First, I want to talk about Israeli Jews. I can’t say much here because I’m not Israeli, nor do I have any close friends or family that are Israeli. But if I’m going to be talking about the trauma Jews are experiencing right now, I can’t not mention the fact that Israeli Jews (and Israelis that aren’t Jewish as well, but that’s not my focus here) are dealing with massive amounts of it right now. It’s a tiny country – virtually everyone has a friend or family member that was killed or kidnapped, or knows someone who does. Thousands of rockets have been fired at Israel in the last few months – think about the fact that the Iron Dome exists and why it needs to. Terror attacks are ongoing; I feel like there’s been at least one every week since October. Thousands of people are displaced from their homes, either because of the rocket fire, or because their homes and communities were physically destroyed in the largest pogrom in recent history – the deadliest single day for Jews since the Holocaust ended. If that’s not trauma inducing, I don’t know what is.
And there is, of course, the generational trauma. And I think Jewish generational trauma is interesting because it’s so layered. Because it’s not just the result of one trauma passed down through the generations. Every 50-100 years, antisemitism intensifies, and so very frequently the people experiencing a traumatic event were already suffering from the generational trauma that their grandparents or great grandparents lived through. And those elders were holding the generational trauma from the time before that. And so on.
And because it happens so regularly, there’s always someone in the community that remembers the last time. We are never allowed the luxury of imagining that we are safe. We know what happened before, and we know that it happened again and again and again. And so we know that it only makes sense to assume it will happen in the future. The trauma response is valid. I live in America because my great grandparents lived in Russia and they knew when it was time to get the hell out in the 1900s. And the reason they knew that is because their grandparents remembered the results of the blood libels in the 1850s. How can we heal when the scar tissue keeps us safe?
I look around now and wonder if we’ll need to run. We have a plan. I repeat, my family has a plan for what to do if we need to flee the country due to religious persecution. How can that possibly be normal? And yet, all the Jewish families I know have similar plans. It is normal if you’re Jewish. Every once in a while I see someone who isn’t Jewish talk about making plans to leave because they’re LGBTQ or some other minority and the question always seems to be, “should I make a plan?” It astounds me every time. The Jewish answer is that you need to have a plan and the only question is, “when should I act?” Sometimes our Jewish friends discuss it at play dates. Where will you go? What are the triggers to leave? No one wants to go any earlier then they have to. Everyone knows what the price of holding off too long might be.
I want to keep my children safe. When do I induct them into the club? When do I let my sweet, innocent kids know that some people will hate them for being Jewish? When do I teach them the skills my parents and grandparents taught me? How to pass as white, how to pass as Christian, knowing when to keep your mouth shut about what you believe. When do I tell them about the Holocaust and teach them the game “would this person hide me?” How hard do I have to work to remind them that while you want to believe that a person would hide you, statistically, most people you know would not have? Who is this more traumatic for? Them, to learn that there is hatred in the world and it is directed at them, or me, to have to drive some of the innocence out of my own children’s eyes in order to make sure they are prepared to meet the reality of the world?
And the reality of the world is that it is FULL of antisemitism. There’s a lot of…I guess I’d call it mild antisemitism that’s always present that you just kinda learn to ignore. It’s the sort of stuff that non-Jews might not even recognize as antisemitic until you explain it to them, just little micro-aggressions that you do your best to ignore because you know that the people doing it don’t necessarily mean it, it’s just the culture we live in. It can still hurt though. I like to compare it to a bruise: you can mostly ignore it, but every once in a while something (more blatant antisemitism) will put a bit to much pressure on it and you remember that you were already hurting this whole time.
On top of the background antisemitism, there’s more intense stuff. And usually the most intense, mask off antisemitism comes from the right. This makes sense, in that a lot of right politics are essentially about hating the “other” and what are Jews if not Western civilizations oldest type of “other”? On the one hand, I’ve always been fortunate enough to live in relatively liberal areas so this sort of antisemitism has felt far away and impersonal – they hate everybody, and I’m just part of everybody. On the other hand, until recently I’ve always considered this the most dangerous source of antisemitism. This is the antisemitism that leads to hate crimes, that leads to synagogue shootings. This is the reason why my synagogue is built so that there is a long driveway before you can even see the building, and that driveway is filled with police on the high holidays. This is the reason why my husband and I were scared to hang a mezuzah in our first apartment (and second, and third). For a long time, this was the antisemitism that made me afraid.
But the left has a problem with antisemitism too. And it has always been there. Where the right hates the “other”, the left hates the “privileged/elite/oppressors.” It’s the exact same thing, just dressed up with different words. They all mean “other” and “other” means “Jew.” It hurts more coming from the left though. A lot of Jewish philosophy leans left. A lot of Jews lean left. So when the left decides to hate us, it isn’t a random stranger, it’s a friend, and it feels like a betrayal.
One of the people I follow works for Yad Vashem, and a few weeks ago she mentioned a video they have with testimonies from people who came to Israel after Kristallnacht, with an unofficial title of “The blow came from within.” The idea is that to non-German Jews, the Holocaust was something done by strangers. It was still terrible, but it is easier to bear the hate of a stranger – it’s not personal. But to German Jews, the Holocaust was a betrayal. It wasn’t done by strangers, it was done by coworkers, and neighbors and people they thought were friends. It was done by people who knew them, and still looked at them and said, “less than human.” And because of this sense of betrayal, German survivors, or Germans who managed to get out before they got rounded up, had a very different experience than other Holocaust victims.
And I feel like a lot of left leaning Jews are having a similar experience now. People that we’ve marched with or organized with, or even just mutuals that we’ve thought of as friends are now going on about how Jews are evil. They repeat antisemitic talking points from the Nazis and from the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and when we point out that those ideas have only led to Jewish death in the past they don’t care. And if someone you thought of as a friend thinks of you this way, what do you think a stranger might think? Might do?
The Jews are fucking terrified. I’ve seen a post going around that basically wonders if this was what it was like for our ancestors – when things got bad enough to see what was coming but before it was too late to run? And we can see what’s coming. History tells us that they way people are talking and acting only leads to one place. I’m a millennial – when I was a kid the grandparents at my synagogue made sure the kids knew – this is what it looked like before, this is what you need to watch out for, this is when you need to run. I wonder where to run to. It feels like nowhere is safe.
I feel like I’ve been lucky in all this. I don’t live in Israel. I have family and acquaintances who do, but no one I’m particularly close to. Everyone I know in real life has either been sane or at least silent about all of this (the internet has been significantly worse, but when it comes to hate, the internet is always worse). I live in a relatively liberal area – there’s always been antisemitism around anyway, but it’s mostly just been swastikas on flyers, or people advocating for BDS, not anything that’s made me actually worry for my safety. But in the last 5 months there have been bomb threats at my synagogue, and just last week a kid got beat up for being Jewish at our local high school. He doesn’t want to report it. He’s worried it will make it worse.
I bought a Magen David to wear in November. At the time it seemed like the best way to fight antisemitism was to be visibly Jewish, to show that we’re just normal people like everyone else. Plus, I figured that if me being Jewish was going to be a problem for someone, then I would make it a problem right away and not waste time. I’ve worn it almost constantly since, but the one time I took it off was when I burnt my finger in December and had to go to urgent care. I didn’t think about it too much when I did it, but I thought about it for a long time after – I didn’t feel good about having made that choice.
The conclusion I came to is that the training that my elders had been so careful to instill in me kicked in. I was hurt, and scared, and the voice inside my head that sounds like my grandmother said, “don’t give them a reason to be bad to you. Fight when you’re well, but for now – survive.” It still felt cowardly, but it was also a connection to my ancestors who heeded the same voice well enough to survive. And it enrages me that that voice has been necessary in the past. And it enrages me that things are bad enough now that my instinct is that I need to hide who I am to receive appropriate medical care.
I wish I had some sort of final thought to tie this all together other than, “this sucks and I hate it,” but I really don’t. I could call for people to examine their antisemitic biases, but I’m not foolish enough to think that this will reach the people who need to do so. I could wish for a future where everything I’ve talked about here exists only in history books, and the Jewish experience is no longer tied to feeling this pain, but that’s basically wishing for the moshiach, and I’m not going to hold my breath.
I guess I’ll end it with the thought that through all of this hate and pain and fear, we’re still here. And we’re still joyful as well. As much as so many people have tried over literally THOUSANDS of years to eradicate us, I’m still here, I’m still Jewish, and being Jewish still makes me happy.
Am Yisrael Chai.
#antisemitism#judaism#venting#jumblr#long post#I'm not kidding it's like 2300 words#and it's a rambling mess#but i needed to vent#so help me god#if you show up in the notes and are being antisemitic I WILL find you and I WILL bite you
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Just caught up on Agatha All Along and um...it dawned on me that Rio Vidal's name can mean river of life and i just think that's super cool knowing she's death
YES it is so cool! Also that if rearrange Vidal it becomes Advil which makes this hilarious:
#I hope we get more info about her in the finale#god I'm so not ready#critter rambles#reply#agatha all along
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Bitches be like "Oh Hades always has to deal with his stupid youngest brother Zeus who cannot keep it in his pants."
First of all, Ancient Greeks didn't wear pants.
Secondly, Hades and Zeus are actually decent with each other. Hades isn't ashamed of asking him for help whenever he considers that there's the case, whereas Zeus trusts his eldest brother enough to give one of his daughters as his wife. There's also this whole discourse claiming that Zeus got the best and Hades got the worst, but if you actually give a second thought to it the Underworld actually has some of the greatest peaks: besides the fact that you're extremely rich all the mortals eventually become your subjects. Even poets stated that in numerous works:
Ovid, Fasti 4. 443 (trans.Boyle) (Roman poetry C1st B.C. to C1st A.D.) :
"[Zeus speaks :] ‘My rank is no greater [than Haides]. I hold court in the sky; another rules the sea [Poseidon], and one the void [Haides].’"
Or:
Seneca, Hercules Furens 53 (trans. Miller) (Roman tragedy C1st A.D.) :
"Dis [Haides] himself, who drew a lot equal to Jove's [Zeus's]."
But if you're so desperate to give Hades a brotherly rivalry then I'm here to tell you that there's no need to erase all of Zeus' qualities (leadership skills, wisdom, long-term planning, determination, cunning etc.) and over exaggerate all of his bad actions in order to portray him as an incompetent asshole Hades always has to deal with. You could simply give Hades and Poseidon this type of dynamic instead.
Poseidon is way more impulsive, temperamental and testy than Zeus. He doesn't hesitate to show his wrath, let aside make others suffer because of it. On top of that, he's the god of the sea and earthquakes, and he's also almost as powerful as Zeus. His attributes and realm could easily represent a threat to the Underworld if he lets his anger go too far.
Take this passage from the Iliad as a relevant example:
Homer, Iliad 20. 67 ff :
"Poseidon from deep under them shuddered all the illimitable earth, the sheer heads of the mountains. And all the feet of Ida with her many waters were shaken and all her crests, and the city of Troy, the ships of the Akhaians (Achaeans). Aïdoneus [Haides], lord of the dead below, was in terror and sprang from his throne and screamed aloud, for fear that above him he who circles the land, Poseidon, might break the earth open and the houses of the dead lie open to men and immortals, ghastly and mouldering, so the very gods shudder before them; such was the crash that sounded as the gods came driving together in wrath."
Dude was freaking out in this scene. During the entire Greek Mythology he's presented as stoic and rarely frightened, but when his brother was causing a strong earthquake he was shitting himself and sucking his thumb like a baby (metaphorically). For the first and last time we see a god being vulnerable and scared by other gods in a similar way a mortal who is about to lose all of his property and belongings would be. Poseidon is pretty much capable of drowning the entire Underworld or exposing it to the Aboveworld if he wants to, so who's actually the more problematic brother? The one who can maintain his calm and control and understands better how distructive power can be, or the one whose anger was on the edge of breaking the border between the realms of the living and the dead?
What if people would stop completely changing the original personalities of the Greek Gods and create more headcanons and fanfictions based on what's actually stated (or at least what is suggested/more plausible) in the myths?
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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Click for better quality
Shotout to Leona and Cheka for singlehandedly getting me out of the worst artblock I've had in months, love these guys
Tbh I just wanted to draw Cheka doing that one thing kids do when they treat you like a climbing tree, I have other drawing about that but it's a work in progress, it was supposed to be animation practice but Ibis got some crunchy quality on the canvas if you don't pay so. Yeah. Also Grim is here bc why not
#twisted wonderland#twst#leona kingscholar#cheka kingscholar#twst cheka#twst leona#i love em they are so funny#also first time drawing cheka leona and grim i hope you don't mind one or two little design headcanons#i just think that he looks good with curly hair#anyways when I tell you I was struggling with Leona's arm#but ehhhh it worked out.#maybe. I hope so#if this flops I'll cry/j I spent too long on this shit#also god I fucking hate drawing details I hate em if the character has more than two colors in their fit I'm going to complain like a bitch#anyways I missed rambling on the tags can you tell#i drew something#spent too long on details that aren't even noticeable unless you zoom in ughhhh#twst fanart#alt text#i hope the alt text isn't confusing. I always try but i'm not good with words so i'm never sure if it's as clear as I think it is#twst grim#grim twst#ain't that the same tag#grim twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland fanart
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#spiderman#deadpool#spideypool#comic#I did this for a class#an ENGLISH class#but we're learning about comics as literature and for the most recent paper we had an option to make a comic#and the main theme we're studying this semester is power so i made this#anyway I forgot how goddamn hard these two are to draw#I hate how complicated their costumes are like its so unnecessary#but I also think this is the most accurately I've drawn them#and they looked consistent through this whole thing#so I'm really proud of myself#and yes this is gay but i'm imagining that in this scene they don't realize they have feelings for each other yet hee hee#some of these were fuckin hard angles too what was i doing to myself!!! this was hard af!!! wtf!!!#and to be honest i drew all of this yesterday and today!!! that was so much drawing!!! og my god!!!#but it was fun he he#except i will always hate the webs on spideys costume. hell world#they have to look such a specific way and it is not easy#enough rambling. enjoy#also sorry im reuploading this because i had accidentally colored in one of spideys speech bubbles as yellow
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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NO BECAUSE I DON'T THINK WE TALK ABOUT THIS ENOUGH WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS ENOUGH CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS? BECAUSE
Yeah okay that's a pretty terrifying thing to see, and I can pretty logically assume this is hallucination on N's part, but does that stop him from literally CATCHING HER IN THE NEXT THREE SECONDS???
NO THE FUCK IT DOES NOT LOOK AT HIS HAND LOOK AT HIS HAND UNDERNEATH HER HEAD LOOK AT IT
CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT THE CHANGE IN EXPRESSION THAT I CAN ONLY ASSUME IS DUE TO WHAT HE SAW?? Like also I assume yeah obviously he's worried about Uzi because who the fuck wouldn't be (Cyn) but like LOOK AT THIS BULLSHIT
HIS EYES DON'T HOLLOW OUT UNTIL SHE NEARLY HITS THE GROUND AFTER THAT WHOLE THING OCCURS AND YOU CAN SEE THE FUCKING SWITCH FROM "Oh my fucking god what the hell is happening" TO "BEEP BEEP BEEP RED ALERT SHIT'S GOING DOWN OH BISCUITS OH FUCK"
"Myrah what the fuck are you on about it's 8:30 in the damn morning?"
I AM UNWELL ABOUT THESE TWO GODDAMNIT
#AND I GIVE 0 FUCKS ABOUT WHO KNOWS#OR WHAT THE FUCK TIME IT IS#GOD THESE TWO MAKE ME SICK THEY MAKE ME ILL /POS#I need to write a very very long post about them very soon#another thing to add to the list of long ass posts I have to make... sigh...#yeah J enjoyers I'm coming for your ass#I have an analysis to perform and no I will NOT wait for permission#and FUCK YOU for expecting me to#(i know no one was expecting me to)#anyway#murder drones#md#glitch productions#glitch#uzi doorman#serial designation n#nuzi#biscuit bites#n x uzi#uzi x n#mymy rambles
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Every time I start a new nsjac!moon drawing I think about my other 192948 w.i.ps of him and start crying.
#i love him but why did i make him so difficult to draw#and why do i always have to push my abilitiesss#can't i relax while drawing?#NO#because i NEED it to be cool#bilolli's art#rambling#i dont even have a proper reference for any of this guys#and yet :'))))#i swear to god I'm going to draw a cartoonish version of them just so i have some kind reference of my own madness#nsjac au#not stupid just a courier
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