#godddddd . ill be okay

[carcarrot]

phone call ended 👍

[thirdeyeblue]

The actual canon answer is no, but don’t just take my word for it:

“The story between the Doctor and Rose is basically a love story without the shagging… absolutely celibate.”

David Tennant, via Contact Music

“I’ve just received an email from the lovely Pete Bower… ‘In having one Doctor grieve for his lost love, while the other Doctor went off with that same lost love, you have written of that moment we all have where we make a choice. It is grieving for the love we never had and the sex we never had because of the choices we made.’ It did work! I love that email.”

— Russell T. Davies (The man who literally invented and wrote this relationship), from his book The Writer’s Tale

“How galling to watch someone who looks like you, who basically is you, get to do all the shagging you didn't get to do.”

-David Tennant, Raleigh Comic Con 2015

it's been 18 years and we need answers.

evidence to consider:

[maraczeks]

bcs s4 thread pt 2

[grumpyghostdoodles]

(Also Clover with ring on their ring finger Clover with ring on their ring finger Clover with ring on their ring finger Clover with ring on their ring finger Clover with ring on their ring finger AND OH MY GODDDDDD CLOVER WITH A RING ON THEIR RING FINGERRRRRRR mini story about em if that's okay too :'D 🙏)

Have their reactions to the engagement announcement! They reacted very well! ... For the most part.

They do not like Asgore. At all. Poor man couldn't get a single sentence in.

And as how they got together, ill go doodling bits and pieces of their developing relationship from time to time, but it was a Lot of pining. Years of it, actually, since they had a crush on eachoter when they were 13/14, and got together when they were in their 30s

[lesbianrobin]

non-exhaustive list of films that would cause eddie diaz to have a mental breakdown and/or cry so hard he throws up:

moonlight (2016). self explanatory.

the only son (1936). eddie might actually kill himself if he watched this. he would just be silent for like hours after watching and that night he would just stand in christopher's doorway watching him sleep for like minimum forty-five minutes. he would exist in a state of profound pessimism and melancholy until he saw buck again at which point he would forget about all of that and be normal. sometimes in his life he will randomly remember the only son (1936) and be like chris. you know that i'll be proud of you no matter what you do with your life right. all i want is for you to be happy. and chris will be like yeah.... why are you talking like we're in a movie and you have a terminal illness. and eddie's like i'm not talking like that i'm being normal. i'm a father. and chris is like ok weirdo. and eddie feels better.

the babadook (2014). self explanatory.

4th man out (2015). he would be like this movie is so dumb it's So dumb and then 1. cry when adam comes out to his mom and 2. get deeply invested in the relationship between adam and nick and when they kiss toward the end he'd be like YESSSSS but then when they laugh it off and say they're just friends he'd be like oh..... and feel really upset about it for reasons he cannot explain. he would rant to buck/chim/hen/bobby for like fifteen minutes about how the whole movie was CLEARLY leading up to a romantic conclusion between them and the writers were just being cowards for going with the best bros ending and buck would be like EXACTLY and everyone else would be like 👀😳 and hen would be like well i think they were trying to make the point that gay men can still have close intimate friendships with other men without it being sexual and eddie would be like okay well then those guys shouldn't have had so much chemistry!! and chim would be like yknow some might say that you and buck have good chemistry. and buck would be like we do <3 and eddie would be like hell yeah we do and they'd fuckin fist bump or something and the entire firehouse is like oh my GODDDDDD.

but i'm a cheerleader (1999). self explanatory.

brokeback mountain (2005). self explanatory.

captain america: the winter soldier (2014). eddie reacts So strongly to this movie and nobody understands it (including eddie) except for buck who immediately and instinctively understands that eddie is projecting onto both steve rogers and bucky barnes but only the sad lonely soldier losing himself and hurting the people he loves against his will parts + completely bypassing the hero parts. also steve's like "even when i had nothing i had bucky" and eddie is like hhhhhhhhh...

the pit, the pendulum and hope/kyvadlo, jáma a naděje (1983). okay look. i'm aware that nobody knows what this is. it is a short film inspired by edgar allan poe's "the pit and the pendulum" and auguste villiers de l'isle-adam's "a torture by hope." you should all go watch it but if you don't let me just tell you that eddie would have another panic attack and/or throw up.

the lord of the rings: return of the king (2003). self explanatory.

[catwyk]

tsv finale spoilers below. i wrote this during my first listen through. its long as fuck. im dead im ruined.

cull calling out to rane instead of faulkner.... rane is truly the real leader now

FAULKNER......

"katabasian rane? sister thurrocks?" im gonna be sick

"hes basically a cow" spit your shit carp

"people in my life keep leavin to serve a cause i just cant understand" BASHES MY HEAD ON THE WALL

"we must love them for fleein from our touch e must not run after them" oh baby :(

this is actually fucking destroying me right now oh poor faulkner. failed by the world.

"of course i recognize you. youre carpenter's ghost" // "yes. i am" // "that must mean that im being punished. arent i?" he sounds so small and young oh my god

"if this is my punishment, then why am i smiling?" OKAY PARALLELS TO HIS VISIONS IN S2. OKAY. IM NOT GOING TO CRY. I WONT.

his monologue is ruining me actually oh god.

"they invented their own faulkner. and they forced me to be him" THATS WHAT IM SAYIN

he called her his sister...

im sure hes gonna die

"you crashed a car??" // "yeeah. i crashed a car." i love her

"they need to fix you, they need to make you better, and ill, ill watch over your bed, ill be there, carpenter. ill pray, ill pray and pray for as long as i need to" christ alive. i need to lay down RIGHT NOW.

méabh de brún too good at acting like shes in pain im abt to dial an ambulance

EM??? EM MENTION. EM MENTION

ok this is fuelling my hc that faulkner reminded carpenter of em in some painful and undefinable way

"i should tell paige that story, if i get to see heg again"

"OUR paige?" CRYING FOR A MILLION YEARS. AND HIS "HUH" AS WELL WHEN CARPENTER CONFIRMS

twin mouths truther forever

"i hate you too, faulkner, i truly do. and i love you, too. in spite of everything" // "always on the very precipice of understanding one another"

faulkner's "DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!" is fucking me up b narr the voice actor everrr

SHES GONNA LEAVE HIM A CAIRN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"there'll be a place for you, and itll be beside me" DRIVING STRAIGHT INTO A LAMPPOST AS WE SPEAK

NO HES GONNA TRY AND KILL HER ISNT HE

"yeah. perhaps thats it. do you?" again. coolest fucking character on the planet

"this is when the waters parted, and at last..! at last he understood!" jesus christ. jon ware the writer that you are

"say you were raised in the service of a god of fire. so you feel like the world would be a much better place if more things were on fire" i busted out laughing WHAT a tone shift

"dennis duplace helped. hayward.. dad.. carpenter.. im leaving all of you behind" i am a husk of a person. lucille valentine knocking it out of the park

"best feeling in the world, seeing you walk away" holy fucking shit this is DAMAGING ME.

i wanna write every quote thats making my heart sting but the transcript is already up so theres no real point

every single va is popping the FUCK OFF by the way. i have to keep reminding myself theyre acting so i dont like. kill myself

val saving hayward was NOT on my bingo card what the fuck

"and before she died... she remembered who she was" OHHHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD

hayward doing his own rites of the cairn maiden for himself :(

no gods coming for hayward but "fuck it. this one's not... for any of you. this ones for me"

WHY IS FAULKNER BACK. NONONO ITS ONLY GONNA BE BAD. PLEASE NO

i never realized the parallel between faulkner's gardener father and his gardener god

carpenter meant so much to him :(

"Sister! I love you! Where are you going? Dont turn your back on me! Dont you dare- Sister! I need you! SISTER! SISTER! MARCO! MARCO!" FAULKNER NO NOT LIKE THIS NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

FUCK YOU JON WARE (<- COMPLIMENT)

THE FAULKNER BODY FAKEOUT. SEE ABOVE POINT

carpenter's scream...... oh god.. oh méabh de brún the woman that you are

"he could be a face from my childhood. or his" charlie.......

HES BEEN BLOND THIS ENTIRE TIME????????????? i should have fucking known

"but no matter how it starts, no matter how it turns out for us, it can end with love, cant it? it can end with love. it can end with kindness." i said oh my god out loud

the delivery of "and then i let him go" why not just drive a railroad spike through my lungs

"the river is vast, and no dam can block every channel, and ours is a world of miracles." i said jesus christ out loud

i wheezed when she just. got back up this old bitch cannot die can she

not nana glass' song............

FUCKING TAINSLEY. CHEKHOVS TAINSLEY.

oh my god. a final heartbreaking credits scene

i had to just sit and lean back for a second. what a fucking ending. what a fucking podcast. this is one of those pieces of media that takes up residence in your brain forever. im never gonna stop thinking about this

[coffeeeinbed]

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.

date: 14th july, 2024 time: 11AM

coffee chat #3 ☕️

so i was on my walk this morning and as i mentioned in my morning routine post, walking is when i do most of my thinking. usually i'm walking around my college town, which happens to be a very small city in the south, but since i'm in my hometown in the northeast, i was walking around the woods, and i feel like the change of scenery made me appreciate my surroundings more.

first, i'd like to take a moment to talk about the absolute banger of a drink that i made myself this morning (i promise this relates to the first paragraph, bear with me). so i did my single scoop of chai, as per usual, but instead of cold brew, i decided to take advantage of my parents very fancy coffee machine and i added a double shot of espresso. guys....that shit was life changing, okay.

so life changing that, i'm not joking, when i took the first sip, the sun shone brighter, the birds started singing, and my day improved significantly.

and then it got me thinking about the little things in life. everyone's always like "it's the little things in life" and i was always like oh my godddddd shut the fuck up, because i was so severely mentally ill and the "little things" brought me no joy.

but when i took that sip of coffee this morning, i realized that i have fallen victim to the Little Things Epidemic. is it because i've recently entered my twenties? maybe. a lot of things have changed since i turned twenty and started breaking into my early adult life, but appreciating the little things in life, i think, had different origins for me.

my severely mentally ill stage dominated my life for all of high school and my early college experience. because of the way i was suffering, my world view was extremely skewed and everything was just negative. think opposite of rose coloured glasses.

and while i'd like to say that turning twenty changed everything, that's not the case. a lot of effort went into changing my worldview. of course, there were naturally occurring factors, such as getting into a relationship, moving out of my parents house. but turning from a negative into a positive person was no easy task.

i had this idea in my head that life was shit, and i'd never be able to heal under those circumstances, so i was always waiting around for the world and my life to improve before i started working on myself. i wish someone would have told me sooner that the world starts to love you once you learn to love yourself.

i started to prioritize doing things i genuinely enjoyed, surrounding myself with people i cherished the company of, forcing myself to spend time alone and take pleasure in it, listened to music that made me feel happy instead of wallowing in my own sadness. i took charge of my own free will and decided to take action, and worked towards creating a better life for myself.

and in turn, the world seemed to become a better place. sometimes things still suck, and there are bad things that happen, but the point is, the way i view the world is so much different, and it seems much brighter and happier than it used to, even though nothing really changed.

and now here i am, sipping coffee and thinking about how much i love the way that the sun hits the trees just right, bathing the woods in a greenish golden light. appreciating the little things.

it made me feel proud of how far i've come, and how much i've turned my life around. my message for other is it does get better, but only if you're willing to put in the work for it. putting out good energy into the universe doesn't just benefit other and the universe, but also you and your wellbeing. trust me on this one. <3

[lanternlightss]

for the ask game LOOP🫵🫵🫵

(ask game)

HEHE BINGO !!

i am so. so normal about them (<- utter complete lie)

(Also putting the rest under the cut bc it got a bit too long !! oops !!!!)

LOVE their hypocrisy. LOVE their duality. they care so much it physically pains them, they don’t want to really be here but where else can they go ?? back to their party ? back to their world ??? the world they Left ??? destroyed ???? that bridge has burned and they keep kneeling by it hoping.... maybe ……..

but they made their wish. there’s no going back.

god i love how they try to act aloof and distant, especially with the party and their names. fighter. researcher. housemaiden. the kid. these aren’t mine (but how they wish—no, pray, they were) and i will continue to be reminded of and remind .. this traveler, this me, as such !! but !!! they were so distraught !!!!!!!! when the party !!! Did Not Recognize Them !!!! this party whom they threw Everything Away for because they loved them so much !!!!!!!!! this party who they went through Continuous, Multiple loops, because they didn’t want to leave them, truly. And Now They’re Here, and worried, but not for them. not in this time. even after everything. (I Want So Badly to see how the party would react to being told that oh. yeah. btw. thats another siffrin !! your friend a few steps to the left !!! and the time loop they were in Was Even Worse !!!!!!)

and GODDDDDD THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH SIFFRINNNNNNN. i think about loop’s reaction to siffrin saying “you’re me.” such a completely normal amount. the laughing. sure, yeah! i’m you. and you’re me, and i hate it, that you’re right so soon like this. that i have to watch another person fall like i did. but they can’t let him burn. they can’t. it’s too much. you deserve so many things, but you don’t deserve for the stars to turn you inside out, one of us getting that fate is already enough !! keep going !!!!! AND HOW THEY COULDNT BRING THEMSELF TO KILL SIFFRIN ??? HELLO. even though they were shimmering with rage, that they get the wrong end of the stick each time, isn’t that funny, that the script always calls for a back up !! for a mistake !!!! for someone To Take It From Them !!!!! but. BUT !!!!;!;!(. THEY GOT ATTACHED. they looked in the mirror too long !!!!!! if i think about the interaction where siffrin is spiraling and loop gently pokes their hand and says, “you’re real. you’re here.” one more second longer i will EXPLODE. because . god loop and siffrin make me ill. you get to look at yourself from another view, to see them in each and every spotlight no matter how bad or good, and you realize… you can’t really hate them like this. you can call them all the words you think of yourself in your head but your heart isn’t in it. they are such a fake idgafer this star would break down instantly if someone gave them a hug they are a WET CAT that keeps striking out of fear (stares so intensely at the act 6 fight)

anyways. i love it when loop tries to self sabotage. especially when there is so much evidence otherwise to what they are sabotaging. you don’t want another siffrin around …… loop when was this ever said to you. join the found family rn please. did you See how much siffrin was interested in the cautionary tale diary ?? to have another you to lean on ??? who knows how big of a hole you dig yourself and sighs, but gets a shovel to join you and pull you out ?? there is not a force on this earth that will keep you from being loved no matter how “horrible, disgusting” you think you are. i also think it’s incredibly funny that they are coping with all of this by being an “ohoho!” bit of an asshole. who are you impersonating. the loop original of, “wow, that was kinda cringe of you, stardust!” i am shaking them so vigorously.

i hope loop is okay wherever they are after post game <3

[tokyogruel]

@deicidefull tumblr wont let me answer your ask properly, im depressed. so i will have to do it in a fucked up way

"

i was going to sleep but how many chances does one get to throw 875 songs&artists at unsuspecting mutuals?

"before you do anything you need to listen to this is love by air traffic controller and think of sakurai haruka. relatively easy. done? try listening to kodomo no shikumi by pinocchiop. okay, slowly, try thinking of momose amane. it doesn't have to make sense, this is for fun. keep your train of thought and start listening to milk crown on sonnetica now. take a break. listen to some nanawoakari and don't think of anyone in particular. this one's a bit difficult...listen to carnivorous plant. get up and walk around a bit. sit back down and listen to it again, but think of kusunoki muu this time. that was tiring, take another break. listen to some frederic. again, you don't need to think of anyone in particular. try thinking of sakurai haruka again. then, listen to kotoba no obake ga mado kara miteiru by frog69. watch the mv, too. this is important. if you still need more rest, listen to some flowerface. alternatively, if you can handle it, listen to i'd like to die at about 40 years old by aoya and think about kashiki yuno. you can keep listening to aoya even if you don't think about her. you can even listen to jan and think about sakurai haruka. it's your life. okay now you're finally ready... listen to killer spider by pinocchiop. think of kusunoki muu. do it again. do it again. do it again. do it again. do it again. do it aga (im so normal about spider muu im so normal) you're done!! for a treat, listen to some yorushika or yoasobi, whichever you have at home! remember you're the one who asked for song recs...okay...sorry...goodnight snork mimizzzz"

youre starting off soooo fucking gooooddddd GODDDDDD,, i love air traffic controller. and im gonna be honest it's hard not to think of hamnet from the underland chronicles,,, but hamnet is a haruka-type anyway so i got over it LMAO. YOUR MIND IS SO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS ONE DO YOU MIND IF I THROW IT ON MY HARUKA PLAYLIST?

this is a very good amane song i like where youre going with this. lets check out the next song! .... "The innocent emotions, so much that I clean and dispose of them. For what grounds does "pure" and "impure" become the labels I brandish?" ... you would willingly hurt me like this

i ended up listening to this one. i think its cute & im definitely interested in hearing more!

im assuming you mean this one, in which case,, WOW,,, THIS IS A REALLY FUCKING GOOD SONG,, the "i hate you" being "i wish all you had was mine"???? SCREAMS INTO A PILLOW. ok. im normal

i ended up listening to oddloop and IM OBSESSED. THEIR SOUND IS SO FUN? i saved a few of their songs to my spotify likes to listen to later and im so excited. the lead singer has such a fun voice. AHHHH (also i know you said not to think of anyone, but oddloop is a shidou song to me now)

THIS SONG IS REALLY GOOD. and the mv is so simple, so effective. very haruka. at this point i am going to run off and take a shower (also, i have watched the mvs for all of these :3 very good stuff)

ok i am back i am fresh, im sparkling. kurari kurari. i ended up picking baby teeth to listen to, and im a fan, though very sad now. i might have to gather some similar songs i have in my spotify to send back to you sometime. hm. had a hard time finding the aoya song so heres a link to it for others. very sad, very yuno i agree. i also couldnt figure out where to find songs by jan, so i ended up listening to the diary of jane instead which is absolutely not what you told me to do (if you could send me some jan songs though, id love that)

VERY GOOD SONG. i can totally see it for muu. unfortunately, my brain immediately pushed it onto shidou (i dont think thats sinful,, theyre technically partner prisoners,, 0405,,) but to make up for this grievance ill share the lines that make me go "OH YEAH, MUU" .. "Because you're really no good, Because you can't do anything without me, I'll bite you softly, poison you a tiny bit, And teach you a lesson" "And put a leash on you. Is this him? Or is that him?" "While kissing the corpse, your instinct searches for the next prey."

ive heard yoasobi before, so ill give yorushika a try! ... only to realize that ive listened to this song once before! and then to go hm,, that artstyle ive seen once more in the past,, and i know this one too!

goodnight (or now i suppose, welcome to a new day ahahaha) thank you for sharing your music with me!

[nosolaceofastraightanswer]

tuamre s3e6 ALGAMATION POST !!!

FUCK THIS SHOW!!!!! (somewhat lighthearted) (i am serious in that s3 was just. why?? how did this shitshow even happen) (i am lighthearted in i still care very much about this show and love being in the fandom for it but sometimes you just gotta say. FUCK THIS SHOWWW!!) stanley is gone and ben is gone and harlan is dead and nothing makes sense anymore. ughhffhhff hhhhh gggggg

godddddd. i don’t even know what to say. allison is going on her damn villain arc though 😭😭😭 would be mostly supportive but bro she killed harlan :(((((. anyway the way she brought us some knew ray content >>> somewhere in my head there is a post about allison having these hallucinations, and mentally ill people being perceived as extremely dangerous and harmful and out of control. somewhere in there !!

this season is drawing the life force to create analysis out of me there is only analysis of how bad s3 was executed now.

anyway (killed off) characters that, in my mind, are safe and happy and okay right now:

u!ben

eudora.

hazel AND cha cha

elliot :(

claire!!! <33

stanley AGHAGAHASHAHAHAHHFHWKSKJSKWKEIQOQJDJDIWKEHDI

u!pogo

u!grace mother literally my mom 🥺

harlan….

don’t worry guys haha they are fine they are having a tea party and playing cards it’s all good :)

[ozziesjester]

limerance and ineffable for the ask game

hrmm.... i guess since ive been talking about him, ill do this for randy........... i haven't made a moodboard in AGES

limerance - gush about your f/o, no limits… but the catch is, gush as if its a message directly to your f/o. 

uggghhhhh godddddd you suck so fucking baaaaaddddddd

okay actually you can be okay sometimes i guess. you really need to lay off the booze though, you're a bad influence on my dad. maybe brush your teeth sometimes? oh, and it's nice of you to let me stay at your house so often. god bless your wife for treating me like one of her kids.

ineffable - describe your f/o in only aesthetics. you can make a moodboard, or perhaps describe them with colors, songs, scents, unique words (; no explicit or literal details, if you can help it. be indirect. paint a picture.

i threw this moodboard together really fast - its basic but i like it :3

[darkroastreads]

Wait so you’re telling me this….

This was a filler?

A FILLED? AND YOU THINK ITS BORING?

Ma��am

MA’AM

what’s your address I just wanna talk 😇

I wouldn’t have thought it was a filler just another beautiful installment to a beautiful story!

First sweet pea in the first few paragraphs alright so we’re just starting off with putting a stupid little smile on Vee’s face okay cool that’s cool no biggie

This scene was heart wrenching though but in the best way because even though it was so angry, Joel was just SO SOFT AND GENTLE WITH HER he’s so patient good lord this man will be the fucking death of me 🥲

PLEASE PLEASE I can take this emotional beating right now like it’s too much and he is too perfect and I am going to IMPLODE

THE PARALLEL oh god you really said we are going to fuck with Vee’s emotions with this chapter and you most certainly did. But it’s a good way for the audience to understand just why Joel is willing to be so patient with her he KNOWS how she feels to some extent.

just a kiss had me going FERAL like when these two sleep together I might just combust

MARIA FTW I love her in this fic. Period.

ILL PROTECT YOU GOOD GODDDDDD not only am I whore for soft Joel but protective Joel too.

STOPPPPPP STOP ITTTTT

He is SO UNDERSTANDING I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE FOR BEING SO PERFECT

this chapter wasn’t a filler to me it was EVERYTHING ❤️

Ghost of You | J. Miller (Chapter Seven)

Series Summary / Grief is a strange thing. In the beginning it had been all-consuming. There wasn’t a moment of the day where you didn’t cry, didn’t ask yourself why it couldn’t have been you instead. And no-one ever explains the guilt you feel when it isn’t anymore. When it’s just a dull ache and you can finally breathe again, when you can start letting people get close to you again. People like Joel Miller.

Pairing / Joel Miller x Widow F!Reader

Word Count / 4.4k

Warnings / as usual, not much to warn here apart from soft!Joel being incredible soft and sweet, some very brief allusions to smut but nothing explicit as well as mentions of alcohol and food, mentions of loss/death as well.

Authors Note /  I won't lie to you but this chapter was a struggle. I have THE PERFECT idea on what I want to happen for the next two/three chapters, so this really is just a filler, working to set up the drama that is about to come your way, so I'm sorry if this is boring after such a long wait for it to arrive with you. It's crunch time for me with university deadlines too, so I'm just trying my best to get through everything - so it might be a bit of a wait between updates for the next month or so. As always, if you liked this, please consider dropping comments, reblogging or popping over to my ask box with some love and as always, thank you for your continued support of my work. Love y'all.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

It’s late and Joel is stretched out in his living room, feet up on the coffee table with his guitar on his lap. He chuckles to himself that he’s got his feet on the table when he knows if Ellie tried to do this, he’d be swatting her legs and telling her off, but she’s not here, so he thinks he can get away being rebellious tonight. 

He’s thoughtlessly strumming at the strings when he hears a tentative knock at his door. He thinks for a second that he might have misheard, he’s fairly deaf in that ear after all, but a few seconds later there’s a louder knock at the door, so he sets the guitar back on its stand near the wall and heads to open it. 

Of all the people he expected to see at his front door at this time of night, it hadn’t been you. He can tell almost immediately that you’ve been crying. Your eyes a bloodshot and he can see redness of tear tracks down your face. 

“Is everything alright, sweet pea?” He asks, he can’t help but soften immediately into your company. 

“Can I come in?” You murmur. 

“Of course you can.” He smiles, that warm smile that he always has on his face when you’re around. 

He moves from the door, stepping aside to let you in. When he’s closed the door, he finds you looking around his living room. It’s not quite as bare as it had been weeks ago when they first moved in. Ellie’s been drawing all sorts of pictures that they’ve stuck to the walls, and he’s been trading here and there for things to make it feel more homely, like the lamp on the side table, which is bathing the room in a warm, orange glow. 

He comes up behind you and places his hand on the small of your back, just like he had done when you’d gone to the bar together. It startles you a little, and he’s muttering a quick sorry for frightening you, “Why don’t you sit down?” He asks quietly, “I can get you a drink if you’d like?” 

You sit yourself on the edge of the sofa whilst he’s looking through his kitchen cabinets, “I can do coffee, whiskey or water?” He calls out from behind a cabinet door. 

“Coffee,” You say, but for some reason your voice breaks and it comes out of your mouth in little more than a whisper, you clear your throat and try again, “Sorry, coffee please, if that’s okay.” 

“Course it is sweet pea.” He’s speaking over his shoulder as he’s making up a pot. 

In no time he’s sat on the opposite end of the sofa, his own mug of coffee in hand. You look down into yours and you can see he’s splashed some milk into it and your heart swells in your chest. You’d never told him you like milk in your coffee, in fact, you’re pretty sure you’ve only drunk it that way in front of him once. Why is this man so observant that he remembers all the tiny details of you? His own mug is what catches your attention next, even in his hands it’s large, white with what looks to be a hand-painted owl on it, with a big ring of reddish-brown paint along the rim. 

“You really interested in owls or are you tryin’ to avoid somethin’, sweet pea?” 

“Just never pegged you as a patterned mug kinda guy, is all.” 

“I’m nothing if not full of surprises,” He chuckles, “Truth be told I’m not really, it was just the biggest mug in the house.” 

A comfortable silence sits between the two of you as you sip at your coffee, “I’m sorry, Joel, about the other night.” 

“That’s okay, sweet pea, it’s me who should be sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep a mark or anythin’.” 

You shake your head, “You didn’t overstep anything Joel,” You sigh, “In that moment I wanted nothing more than to kiss you, to be perfectly honest it’s all I’ve wanted to do since, but I need to be honest with you.” 

“Okay, shoot, I’m listening.” He’s turned his body on the sofa a little bit, he’s looking directly at you now. 

“You’re a good man Joel, and I don’t say that lightly, and you kiss like your life depends on it, but when I closed my eyes all I could see Mark, and that’s not what you deserve, you deserve a woman who only ever see’s you.” 

“But sweet pea,” He sighs, “You’re the only woman I want.” 

You sip your coffee, “Can I ask why?” You murmur, “I just don’t know what it is you could possibly want from sad, little old me.” 

“I want to make you happy,” He shrugs, looking at you, “There have been these glimpses I’ve had of you, when you smile, or when you talk to Ellie about your life before, or when you reminisce about Mark and you become this beacon of light, you glow sweet pea, and I would do anythin’ in this world to be the person that does that to you every day.” 

You can feel a single tear slip from your eye, what on earth had you done in this world to deserve this man at your feet? 

“Listen to me,” He’s put his coffee on the table and moved closer to you, his big, warm hand is on your knee, “I’m not going to pretend that I can be him, no-one is ever going to be him for you again, but I want to try and be somethin’ different for you, I’m not going to try and replace him, just add to him,” He pauses before he adds, “If you’ll let me.” 

Your hand slips over his own on your knee and you squeeze it, “I want it Joel, Lord knows I want it, but I don’t know how long it’s going to take, before it’s you I see when I close my eyes and not him, will you be patient with me?” 

“Of course I will, sweet pea,” He breathes, “I’ll give you all the time in the world,” He’s turned his palm up so you’re holding hands now, “And it’s not a bad thing, y’know?” You make a sound for him to carry on talking, “Still seeing him – sometimes Ellie’ll do somethin’ and it’ll be exactly like Sarah, and I’ll go right back to standing in my house in Austin with her, keeps her memory alive, right?” 

“I get you,” You smile at him, “I’m so grateful for you, Joel, I hope you know that.” 

You reach out a hand and he reaches his own out to gather your hand in his. He’s scooting along the seats of the couch, coming to rest just far enough away that your legs aren’t touching, but close enough for you to feel the heat emanating from his body, “I know, sweet pea, I’m grateful for you too.” 

You turn to properly look at him for the first time that night. In the dim glow of his living room lamp he’s just as devastating as he always is. The dreamy chocolate of his eyes, the slope of his nose, that full bottom lip that you want to kiss. He’s reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, before his impossibly large hand is running through the hair to rest on the back of your head, “Can I maybe try again?” He asks quietly. 

You don’t need to ask what he means, not with the way his eyes dart from yours to your lips and then back up again, “I’d really like that.” 

He uses the hand resting at the back of your head to pull you gently towards him, you watch closely as his eyes flutter close as his lips press to yours. You’re almost frightened to close your own after what happened before, but his other arm is snaking around your waist and pulling you closer to him and you can’t help but follow his movements, letting your own close as you tentatively open your mouth to him. 

There is something undeniably different about this kiss compared to the last. This time when you close your eyes, you try and focus on what you can feel. You can feel Joel’s palm resting on the back of your head, fingers twisting into your hair. You can feel your hand, placed on his knee to steady you and the rough denim of his jeans beneath your palm. You can feel his lips pull back from yours just a touch before he puts them back on yours, capturing your bottom lip between his own before he sucks your bottom lip, just a little. 

Then you focus on what you can hear. The deep breathing of Joel through his nose as he kisses you, the slight breeze that rustles the trees outside his home. The sound of a whimper from your lips when he pulls all the way back. You open your eyes and he’s still close enough that if you moved forward, you could capture his lips back, but he’s searching your face for signs you’re okay, so you don’t. 

“I’m fine,” You reassure him, “You know, you’re really good at that.” 

“I am?” He asks, and you can see how he flushes a little, “Gotta admit I’m a little out of practice.” 

“You’d never know,” You smile, “I should probably get going.” 

“Alright, sweet pea,” He’s pulling away from you and standing, pulling your arm to help you stand, leading you to the door, “You gonna be alright walking back?” 

“I’ll be fine,” You speak, suddenly distracted by the sight of the guitar propped up against the wall, “Do you play?” 

 “I do indeed,” He smiles, “Got lucky findin’ this out on patrol a few weeks back.” 

“Will you play for me sometime?” You ask, hope in your voice, “I miss hearing music that isn’t distorted by headphones.” 

He steps closer to you, letting a hand run down the length of your hair until he’s cupping your cheek, “Course I will, sweet pea,” He presses another soft, careful kiss to your lips, “Now you get on home, be safe.” 

“Goodnight Joel.” 

The next morning, you’re sitting with Maria on your front porch, cups of coffee in hand, watching as the rest of Jackson start to come and go. It’s quiet between the two of you, something that you’ve always appreciated about Maria, that she can sit in silence and just let you enjoy the company. You’re almost to the bottom of your coffee cup when Tommy and Joel begin walking down the street, guns strapped to their backs on their way to patrol. 

Tommy waves at Maria as they get closer to your porch, walking over to say good morning to you. You think you return his sentiment, but all you can really focus on is Joel, who is standing just behind his shoulder with a childish grin painted across his lips. You can feel your face returning a similar smile his way, looking down into the murky dregs of your coffee to try and stop being so bloody obvious. 

“Well, you two have a nice day now.” Tommy’s voice brings you back round. 

“Oh, you too Tommy,” You smile, before shooting another smile to Joel, “And you as well Joel.”

“I’ll do my best, sweet pea.” 

Once they’ve started back on their walk to the gate, you turn your head to Maria who is staring right at you, with a knowing smirk on her face. 

“And you as well Joel,” She teases in an imitation of your voice, “God, you are subtle as a brick sometimes.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Tommy saw you, leaving his last night.” 

“Am I not allowed to go and visit a friend?” You ask, downing the last of your coffee. 

Maria gives you a knowing look, “Friends you kiss?” 

“That was one time, and it doesn’t even count.” You argue. 

“You must think I was born yesterday,” She laughs, “The way you two were smiling at each other just then, something definitely happened!” 

You relent, “Fine, I went and spoke to Mark, like you suggested and I guess everything felt a little clearer to me afterwards,” You don’t mention that you’re putting all your trust in a tiny ray of sunshine as permission to kiss Joel Miller, “So I went to speak to Joel, told him it would take time but that I wanted to see what might happen.” 

Maria reaches over, grasping your hand in her own, when you look at her, you almost cry, her own eyes brimming with tears, “I’m so proud of you, girl,” She whispers, “Lord knows that man is patient, the way he handles Ellie, but you let me know if I ever have to kick his ass, alright?” 

You laugh at that, considering Joel has never once given you the idea that anyone would need to protect you from him, but you agree none-the-less, “You’ll be the first to know.” 

Maria takes her leave a few moments later, leaving you to fill your day on your own. You decide to head to the library, picking out some new books and catching up with Kate for a few moments, before you head back home. You use the last of your rations to make a loaf of bread and spend some time weeding the garden and picking some of your sweet peas. 

The sun is setting and you’re considering what to pull together for dinner when there’s a knock at your door. It’s Joel, back from patrol, although he’s not stopped to drop his rifle off yet, which is still slung over his shoulder. 

“Evening, Joel.” 

“Evenin’, sweet pea.” He smiles, leaning down to press a soft kiss to your cheek. 

“Good patrol?” 

“Can’t complain when I go with Tommy,” He responds, “Always brings his hip flask which makes things seem better.” 

“Did you need something?” 

“Are you busy tomorrow?” He asks, “Only I was thinkin’ there was some place I’d like t’show ya, if not.” 

“Are you asking me on a date, Joel Miller?” You smile, arms folding across your chest. 

“Might be,” He shrugs, “Depends in you’re gonna say yes or not.” 

“Well, lucky for you, I have no plans tomorrow, so you can take me wherever you’d like.” 

“Well then, sweet pea,” He smirks, “You’ve got yourself a date, I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning.” 

You lean up on your tiptoes, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth before pulling away, “Should I bring anything?” 

“No, just yourself.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning then.” 

The sun is already warming the commune when Joel arrives to pick you up. He’s dressed simply – jeans, black t-shirt and his battered walking shoes – but still looks like the most handsome man you’d laid eyes on in years. He’s got his backpack on which looks to be fit to burst and his rifle slug on his shoulder. 

“Where the hell are you taking me that requires that?” You ask, motioning to the gun whilst you lock the door. 

“I’m taking you out.” Is all he offers, which makes you stand still, anxiety filling your stomach. 

“Wait, as in out of Jackson?” 

He looks at you and notices the worry on your face, “Sweet pea, I promise I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you,” He takes hold of your hand in his, “It’s an hour walk, Tommy and I scouted it yesterday, so I know it’s clear, and I’ll protect you.” 

“I’ve not left since we arrived,” You speak quietly, sweat pricking at your skin in worry, “Are you sure it’s safe?” 

He drops your hands, instead bringing those warm palms to cup your face, leaning down to press a barely-there kiss to your lips that has the anxiety butterflies in your tummy turning into the exact opposite, “We’ll take it one step at a time, okay?” You nod, “Anytime you wanna turn back, we will, but I think you’ll like what I’ve got to show you.” 

He can obviously see your anxiety, worry etched onto your face like it always is these days. He drops his hands, intertwining your fingers with his own, “First step, we get to the gate, okay?” 

“Okay.” You say softly, keeping a firm grip on his hand as he leads you down the street. 

It’s early enough that there are few people on the main street down the gate, but those who are up and about don’t miss the fact that you’re hand-in-hand with Joel Miller. He certainly doesn’t seem to mind, keeping his head forward as he walks, but he does continuously squeeze your hand for comfort whenever he catches someone with a particularly intense stare. 

Amanda, one of the women who often patrols the walls of the commune, greets you both when you arrive at the gate, “Morning Joel,” Then she turns to you, “So good to see you out and about,” And she’s genuine for it. You didn’t know her, at all really, but her soft face and kindness make you smile, “All looking quiet out there today, you two enjoy yourselves.” 

Joel gives your hand another squeeze, “So, what do you say? You wanna go?” 

You look up at him, face warm and rugged in the early morning sun. His eyes are looking into yours, filled with hope that you’ll indulge him. You know he’s got you; you know this man right next to you isn’t going to let anything bad happen to you. So, you squeeze his hand and tell him to lead the way. 

It’s actually a really pleasant walk. There are plenty of trees that offer shade from the sun that is continuing to heat up the air around you as it rises further. You can’t remember the last time you took a walk just for pleasure. Mark had insisted that once you’d made it to Jackson and its safety, that you stayed put, and you can’t say you’d complained. You’d seen too much shit out in the world to not revel in the relative normality of life in the commune. But this walk reminded you of the days before, when you and your flatmates would drive out of the city and walk for hours with no destination in mind. If it weren’t for Joel’s rifle in your periphery, you could almost convince yourself that nothing bad was lurking just out of sight. 

“Not much further now, sweet pea,” Joel muses, stepping up onto some rocks at the top of the hill you’d been steadily climbing for a while, he turns back and offers you his hand, “Careful now.” 

He hauls you up onto the rocks, helps you down and then gestures for you to look around. It’s absolutely beautiful. There’s a small lake, shimmering in the sun, with a shore made up of pebbles. The tree line offers you a wealth of shade to sit under, Joel already making his way to one particularly large tree, setting his rifle down before he’s opening his backpack to pull out a blanket. 

You can’t help but smile to yourself as he sets it down on the ground before he’s reaching back into his bag. You walk over to meet him just as he pulls out a brown paper bag, filled to the brim with strawberries. Some of them had been squished on the walk, but you could see plenty of the sweet fruit still in one piece. He sets them down on the blanket, pulling out an insulated flask and two tin mugs before he’s turning to you. 

“You got anything else in that bag of yours?” You tease, dropping to your knees, “You’re like Mary Poppins.” 

He chuckles, “There might be a flask in there with somethin’ stronger than coffee,” He shrugs, “Couldn’t fit much else in.” 

You put a hand on his shoulder as he settled his back against the tree, extending and widening his legs, motioning for you to sit between his thighs, which you do, leaning your back against his chest as he leans forward to grab the bag of strawberries, taking one before he offers it to you. 

You take it, head falling back to rest in the crook of his neck as you bite into the fruit, “I’ll be sad when these are gone,” You comment, letting the sweet juice pour across your tongue, “Winter is miserable at the best of times, but I miss the fruit more than anything.” 

Joel takes a strawberry for himself, you can hear him bite into it and he makes a sucking sound as he tries not to let the juice fall down his face, “They’ll come back though,” He speaks softly, letting one of his arms wrap around your waist to pull you deeper into his chest, “This okay, sweet pea?” 

He makes your heart swell. He’d spend his own rations on your favourite fruit, scouted out a place for you to have some peace together, made sure you were comfortable the whole time and is still making sure he doesn’t push you too far. He’s trying to make this as normal as he possibly can. You don’t think you’d ever had this with Mark. Spent most of your time together scraping by in a QZ before trekking across the country trying to keep yourselves alive. Found comfort in each other in the dead of night, had a house and home in Jackson, but nothing that had ever felt this normal. You can feel tears welling in your eyes, you sniff, trying to brush them away. 

“Hey, is it too much?” Joel is leaning down to speak quietly into your ear. 

“No, not at all,” You choke out, “It’s fucking perfect Joel, I’m just overwhelmed.” 

You bring your own arm to rest along his that’s gripping your waist, running your fingers over his skin, his voice is back in your ear, “We can go back if it’s too much, sweet pea.” 

“That’s the problem,” You let out a tear-filled chuckle, “I don’t think I want to, I just want to stay here forever now, sitting by the lake with you, eating strawberries.” 

His lips surprise you as they place the softest kiss to the skin behind your ear. There’s nothing overtly sexual about it, they don’t linger, he doesn’t jut his tongue out like Mark used to when he was trying to work you up, either alone or in public, but you’ll be damned if it doesn’t send a jolt down your spine, one you hadn’t felt in over a year. You want him. Body betraying mind and memory of your dead husband. You can feel the irrational part of your mind telling you to fuck it all, throw every ounce of caution to the fucking wind, turn around and demand Joel spread you out on this very blanket and take you to heaven and back until you can’t think anymore. 

You can feel your heartbeat racing in your chest, can feel yourself struggling to pull in enough air to your lungs. It kills you, but you pull away from Joel’s chest, shuffling forward so you’re far enough away from him that you can turn and face him, sitting up on your knees. 

“Don’t do that.” Is all you say. 

You look into his eyes and there isn’t a single ounce of hurt there. He doesn’t look disappointed. Perhaps a little worried, but curious more than anything. 

“You can’t kiss me there,” You say, bringing your hand up to rest where Joel’s lips were just moments ago, “He would always kiss me there.” 

“Alright, sweet pea,” He looks at you with his beautiful brown eyes, holding his hands up, “I didn’t mean t’make you uncomfortable.” 

You shake your head, “You didn’t know,” Then you sigh, “Fuck, I didn’t even know, I never fucking know what’s going to set me off.” 

Joel can see you’re overwhelmed. Can see the tears streaking down your cheeks, “Gimme your hand,” He asks, offering his own to you palm up, “I ain’t ever gonna get mad at you for somethin’ like this, you hear me?” You nod in agreement, letting your hand slip back into his, “It’s gonna take time, sweet pea, and we’re gonna figure it out together, like I said t’ya before, I don’t wanna replace him, I’m just gonna add t’him, so if there’s anythin’ I do that makes you worried or uncomfortable, you just tell me okay?” 

You use the hand he doesn’t currently have clasped in his own to wipe away your tears, what the fuck had you done in this life to deserve Joel Miller? Patient and kind Joel Miller? The side of Joel Miller that no-one else really got to see. 

“Now, come and sit back down,” He’s dragging you back to sit where you had been moments ago, back against his chest, “I’ll keep my lips to myself.” 

That’s how you stay for the rest of the day, settled against him, eating strawberries and drinking coffee together. At one point he coaxes you to take off your shoes and dip your toes in the water to cool off, never once letting go of your hand. You talk about everything, Joel offers you small glimpses into life growing up with Tommy, you talk a lot about your parents and what it was like to lose them before the outbreak. It was nice, you think on the walk back to town, hand still clasped in his as he walks you back to your house. 

He waits for you to unlock the door and step through, before he dips his head to kiss you firmly on the lips. It’s chaste, he’s not pushing his luck, but the whiskey you shared on the walk back makes you bolder. You snake your hand up to the nape of his neck to keep him in place whilst you run your tongue over his velvety bottom lip. He opens his mouth for you, momentarily letting your tongues meet before you’re both pulling away. Neither of you say anything to each other. You just squeeze his hand as he walks away, but all you can think as you close the door behind you and rest your back on it is to thank the good Lord above for bringing Joel to you, bestowing him with the patience of a saint, because that same good Lord knows that he might just be the best thing to happen to you since Mark died.  

Joel Miller Taglist:  @winwin70@jessie8605@trulybetty@amanitacowboy@morning-star-joy@tieronecrush@leeeesahhh@babeincolor@beee-haw@kirsteng42@mirandablue1@sixxslut@impala1967dwinchester@flash2412@gimmebackmysoul@kelp-dreaming@gracie7209@voteforpedro09@brittmb115@karokaroxx@amb11@heartfairy @grumpy-the-tired @Lillilotus @doctorstatic@morallyinept@southernbe@elissaa@pop-sugar102@u-luciferssatanicdaughter@alyhull@purplerain44@harryleatherfit@lovely-ateez@emilianamason @bootyliciousposts @lorilane33@casa-boiardi@cupofjoel @dinsdjrn @tightjeansjavi @cavillscurls @darkroastjoel @morning-star-joy

[sensesdialed-aa]

SO I JUST SAW VENOM.....YO HOLY FUCK

[aquabluemoonbutterfly]

every single day for the last 4 years i cry in agony because i can’t play Persona 5 or P5 Royal because I dont own any of the consoles because I am but a broke ass individual and the only sony thing I own is the vita which is now pretty much dead- 

[teamwangs]

I KNOW IT’S ANATOMY AND BIOLOGY BUT WHY DOES JACKSON WANG HAVE SO MANY VEINS POPPIN’ IN HIS ARMS 🥵

it’s like a vampire’s paradise and wet dream (if they slept)

[in-her-wildest-dreams]

ngl whenever I pull out the rep magazines I have to burn a candle and drink tea because there’s a 100% guarantee I’ll cry reading through them and I need to really feel the mood when I do so ya know