#god this entire post makes me want to chew glass / extremely positive

[dasnercaret]

adding on my extremely rambly two cents as someone who's worked with preteens, something else unique to bonnie that i realized as i was writing this is bonnie's incredible capability to not only adapt to new situations, but also use common sense in a way that's honestly very unusual and extremely mature for a preteen. the fact that bonnie is able to put a lid on their emotions in the first place and still cook for everyone and still semi-coherently express their love and care for siffrin via snacks despite the mess of tangled feelings they have as outlined above, and is able to face the king who froze their sister in time without flinching or running away as any normal kid would and absolutely should, is a true and genuine testament to their strength. they're mostly weaponizing their anger, sure, but having the mental and emotional fortitude to turn all that fear into anger in the first place is no small feat for such a young kid. they're still able to express love too - if anything, they're better at expressing it than most of the adults. and it would be so easy for a kid in that situation to shut down out of stress and fear, lash out at everyone close to them or just give up and run away from the enemy, but they don't. they're so goddamn strong.

there's a strong sense of reason in them as well - they're able to recognize when tensions are high in the party and knows how to defuse it with food and care. they may not be able to talk about certain things whether emotionally or because they're too young, but they pour all those emotions into their food instead. when the party talks about death on the second floor, they hear almost all of the discussion and are understandably and rightfully imo upset about it - no kid wants or should ever have to hear about how their family might die in the future and what to do if that happens. but instead of yelling at the party about it, they just make really good food because they know the importance of staying fueled anyways for what's to come. they're smart. they can put things together, and generally have the emotional control to stay mostly calm about it.

(generally. well. you know what happens if you confront bonnie about death on the second floor, without the familyquest.)

so like. on a writing advice note, keep in mind (alongside all of what beneathsilverstars said) that bonnie is way smarter than people tend to give them credit for. they have flashfire quick emotions as all children do, but they have the emotional control generally to handle themselves in serious situations and fight in battles semi-alongside the rest of the party. they also tend to express their care via food - giving instead of actual words, because unfortunately they also have the communication skills of a preteen and honestly the rest of the party, which is to say. Bad. so there's a lot of stuff getting repressed too (especially if they think that they can't talk to the rest of the party about it, which given the distance created between them and siffrin due to the eye thing and them and the rest of the party due to age, is unfortunately often true. :( )

OH YEAH. one more thing on a lighter note preteens also tend to give little to no fucks about social norms and boundaries. bonnie isn't exempt from this - they're willing to hug siffrin even when the rest of the party is Weird about It, and will often outright just ask stuff that the rest of the party dances around. bonnie is (understandably) hesitant to talk nearly as directly about their own emotions, but with other less serious stuff there's a lot of blurting going on. ah, kids /aff

(bonnie is also emotionally smart enough to be able to generally respect boundaries, though. so they'll respect it mostly for serious stuff, but with lighter stuff they're running roughshod all over it with the blurting)

Hello bonnie enjoyer. How does one characterize bonnie. I want to write them but I don't know when their fear turns to anger, or when their sadness quiets down. I want to know bonnie!! - @wish-upon-the-universe (when will tumblr let side blogs ask questions 😔)

i am.so sorry HHELP i honestly. dooo not know SQUEAKS. a lot of my bonnie characterization is cross referencing with the game and then hoping REALLY hard.. child characters can be hard to write SQUEAKS!! i apologize but i am also honored that i am the bonnie enjoyer o7

[remywrites5]

can you do some jegulus?

           James was sitting on his bed playing FIFA when his roommate, Regulus, came in and slammed the door shut. Reg was clearly upset so James quickly paused the game and watched as Reg went over to his bed and flopped down onto it. He put his face into his pillow and let out a scream.

           James walked over and poked Reg in the back. “Problem?”

           Reg turned his face to the side and looked up at him. “I just saw Barty at the campus coffeeshop flirting with one of the baristas.”

           “Ah,” James said, nodding in understanding. Reg and Barty had been talking for the last few months after hooking up at a campus party. James didn’t really see the appeal but he had kept his mouth shut because he wanted Regulus to be happy. Barty always seemed to come off as a prick and James was pretty sure Reg wasn’t the only person he was talking to.

           In truth, James had a complicated relationship with Reg himself. Reg’s twin brother, Sirius, was James’ best friend and they had roomed together for the first year of University. But then Sirius met Remus and fell in love, blah blah blah, and now they were rooming together. Having been out a roommate, James had agreed to room with Reg. The only problem was James had been crushing on Reg for over a year now, so rooming wasn’t exactly the best idea, but James Potter liked to be accommodating. Also he didn’t have a good enough reason to tell Reg no.

           Since then it had been a bit torturous watching Regulus talk to a bunch of guys who were, in James’ honest opinion, a bunch of wankers. They might have been perfectly nice guys, but James had no choice except to loathe them entirely.

           That’s why James said the thing – the completely idiotic thing  - that he would immediately regret. “You want to make him jealous?”

           Regulus sat up and looked at James in confusion. “How?”

           “He follows you on Snapchat, right?” James said with a grin. “We could take a couple of pictures and post them to your story. When he sees them I bet he’ll be hella jealous and come crawling back.”

           “You’d do that for me?” Regulus asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow at James.

           “I mean nothing too risqué,” James clarified quickly. He didn’t think his heart would be able to handle that. “Just, you know, pictures that could be interpreted as us getting pretty cozy with each other.”

           “That would be amazing!” Regulus exclaimed excitedly. He hopped out of bed and went over to James’ closet.

           “What are you doing?” James asked, sitting down on his bed and watching as Regulus rifled through his stuff. Reg held a few pieces of clothing up to himself in the mirror and decided on James’ team hoodie from his football days. It was in his old high school colours, red and gold, and had Potter written on the back. Reg stripped off his own shirt and tugged the hoodie on.

           James had a good ten centimeters on Reg and was a lot more muscular and broad shouldered than his roommate. What this meant that Reg was swimming in his hoodie a little bit with it falling to his mid-thigh. James swallowed thickly as his heart relocated to his throat. Suddenly James realized just how incredibly dumb he was for thinking that he could pull this off without Reg finding out how gone James was on him.

           Reg bit his lip and played with his hair for a moment in the mirror before turning to face James. “How do I look?”

           James cleared his throat. “Really good,” he said as evenly as he could manage.

           Regulus smiled and walked over to the bed. He grabbed James and moved his limbs into the position he wanted. James let out a yelp of surprise as Reg crawled into his lap and buried his face in James’ neck. “Do you mind taking it?”

           James took Reg’s phone and opened it easily. They both knew each other’s codes for their phone for emergency purposes. James held the phone out to get a good angle, making sure his name was visible on Reg’s back, for entirely selfish reasons. “Glasses or no glasses?” he asked before he took the picture.

           “Glasses,” Reg said softly. “I think you look sexy in them.”

           “Yeah they help me see,” James responded dumbly because his mind had apparently decided to go offline without his permission.

           Regulus laughed and slid his arms around James’ waist. “Just take a couple and we’ll adjust as needed.”

           “Okay,” James said, resting his chin on the top of Reg’s head. He’d never really though he’d had a thing for a height difference but he found himself really enjoying it. Reg felt so small and soft in his arms and James felt this overwhelming want to protect him. Although he knew if Reg could hear what he was thinking then he would hit him for it.

           James snapped a couple of pictures and then handed the phone off to Reg to see. Reg sat up straight and looked through them, taking his time to examine each one. “I think I like this one best, what do you think?” Reg held up his phone and displayed the picture to James.

           “Looks great,” James said encouragingly. He let his fingers play with the hem of his hoodie that Reg was wearing, his fingers just barely brushing over Reg’s warm skin.

           “Can I kiss you?”

           James felt his entire body tense up at the question. ‘What?”

           “It would really sell it, don’t you think?” Reg asked, chewing his bottom lip as he posted the picture to his story. “Or would it sell it too much? I kind of want him to come crawling back like you said.”

           “Oh, um, I think that might be taking it too far,” James said, sliding Reg off his lap and standing up. The last thing he needed was to be snogging Reg just so he could get that prick back. Why did he want his attention in the first place?

           “It would just be one kiss,” Reg promised, looking up at James pleadingly. “Just one little kiss and nothing more.”

           “I said no, Reg!” James yelled, tugging his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want to, okay? I don’t want to do that.”

           “Then that’s all you had to say,” Regulus said icily, narrowing his eyes at James. “This was all your stupid idea to begin with.”

           “Well you got your picture,” James shot back, grabbing his wallet and keys and shoving his feet into his trainers. Suddenly their dorm room felt so small and if he stayed he was going to say something he would regret. He couldn’t handle any of this, especially not with Reg still wearing his hoodie. Why did he have to go around trying to help people all the time? “So leave it, Reg.”

           “Fine, I’m leaving it.” Reg lowered his eyes to the floor. He stood and went over to his own bed, pulling the covers up to his chin with his back to James.

           James slipped out of their dorm, locking it behind him, and starting to walk with no real destination in mind. Why the fuck did he have to be so bloody awkward around Regulus? Why couldn’t he have just kissed him like it was no big deal? It would have been easy to pretend it was just a game like spin the bottle. Now Regulus had to know that it meant something to James and it would make everything uncomfortable.

           James sat down on the front steps of their student housing and buried his face in his hands, pushing his glasses up to his forehead. After giving himself a few moments to wallow, he opened his phone and pulled up Snapchat. He immediately went to Reg’s story and saw the picture of the two of them. He kept reopening it so that he could look at it over and over. It looked so real that it made James’ heart ache in a way it hadn’t since high school when Lily Evans had rejected him over and over. Since then, he liked to think he’d been a bit smarter with his heart, but apparently not that smart.

           “You fucking dumbass,” James groaned to himself.

                                                           ***

           James figured their picture had worked based on that fact that Reg started hanging out with that prat, Barty, again. James would come home to find Reg and Barty cuddled up together watching Netflix on Reg’s bed. James had no problem ruining their evening, turning on his game or doing his homework at his desk, so they couldn’t fool around.

           Things hadn’t really improved between Reg and James since the night they’d taken that picture. James had found his hoodie hanging back in his closet and it had clearly been washed. James had no idea why the idea of that made him so extremely angry. Maybe it was the fact that Reg had been too much of a coward to give it back to James directly. Instead he had just hidden it back in James’ closet and erased any trace that he had worn it in the first place.

           James tried to move on so that things could get back to normal. He got Tinder again and went on a few dates with a very nice girl named Mary McDonald. It felt disingenuous to continue to see her though so he ended things as gently as he could. As terrible as it was to admit, being with Mary wasn’t making James feel any better about being in love with his roommate. It was unfair to her to pursue anything while he still had feelings for Reg.

           He couldn’t help thinking about that night and would have happened if he had taken Reg up on his offer to kiss. Would things have been even more awkward once Reg realized just how into it James was? Or maybe it would have been the start of something – something so precious that it made James hurt just to think about it.

                                                           ***

           “Will you please – for the love of God – stop being such a pathetic mess?” Sirius begged, tousling James’ hair playfully. “We’re on our way to a party not a funeral!”

           James did his best to smile and nudged his best friend. “I guess I’m just still distraught that you’re not in love with me.”

           Sirius snorted. “Tough luck, Prongs. I don’t go for speccy gits with no fashion sense.”

           “Remus wears reading glasses.”

           “It just hits different,” Sirius assured him, throwing his arm around James’ shoulders. “Besides, I have a feeling your type is me only worse and with less personality.”

           “Shut up,” James grumbled, feeing his face grow hot.

           “So you do have a thing for Reg!” Sirius crowed with laughter, hitting James on the chest. “I had a feeling. That picture the two of you took was a little too convincing. You looked so fucking smitten in it, I swear to God.”

           “Doesn’t matter,” James muttered, kicking a pebble by his feet. “It was just a means to an end. He’s with Barty now. What a dumb name. Barty. It sounds like a stupid children’s show character.”

           “You’re thinking of Barney,” Sirius corrected him with an amused huff. “Besides, the bloke got stuck with a name like Bartemius. I don’t think there’s many ways to salvage that.”

           “I kind of hate him,” James confessed, feeling himself relax a little bit. It was nice to be able to talk with Sirius about this finally.

           “He does seem like a dickhead,” Sirius agreed with a heavy sigh. “Reg always did know how to pick them.”

           “So you’re saying I have no shot with him?”

           Sirius shot James a look. “I don’t know, you have your arsehole qualities.”

           “Oi!”

           “It all comes from a place of love, Jamie!” Sirius insisted, giving James a big wet kiss on the cheek. They got to the street corner where they were meeting up with Remus, who was coming off a shift at work. Remus was already there waiting for them, wrapped up in a scarf against the cold, his cheeks tinged pink. “Now why would I want you when I can have that?”

           Sirius bounded over to his boyfriend and put his arms around his shoulders. Remus gave him an exasperated but fond look and indulged him in a kiss. James shook his head and walked over to join them, third wheeling it as usual. “Alright, Moony?”

           “Hey James,” Remus said, smiling kindly at him. “Excited for the party?”

           “Well alcohol couldn’t hurt, right?” James joked, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

           Remus’ brow furrowed in concern. “He’s in love with Reg,” Sirius explained, sliding his hand down Remus’ arm and then grasping his hand. He tugged on it and began walking towards the party.

           Remus glanced over his shoulder and shot James a sympathetic look. “If you ever need to come over to ours just let us know, okay?”

           “Thanks Remus,” James said, falling in step behind them. “I’ll be fine.”

           Remus nodded encouragingly even if his face said he didn’t fully believe James. “Of course you will.”

           They were only a few blocks away from the party and James could already hear the music blasting some early 2000’s hip hop. It was the Prewett twins birthday party bash. The twins were a year older than James, Remus and Sirius, and their birthday party was always legendary. They lived in a shared house off campus with about six other guys and were always doing crazy shite. Last year they had rigged up a slide from their second story window. The party usually got broken up because of noise complaints but until then it was a blast.

           They got to the front door and were each handed a beer. It was policy for a Prewett party that you had to shotgun a beer in order to ender. James and Sirius grinned at each other and both pierced their beers before starting to chug them. They were both fairly competitive with each other and tried to beat the other. Of course Remus smoked them both easily and Sirius could only wink suggestively. “My man knows what he’s doing.”

           Remus rolled his eyes and led the way into the party, already unwrapping his scarf from the heat from all the bodies piled inside. “Oh my god they have a trampoline,” Sirius said, smacking James in the arm. Out the back porch door they could see a huge trampoline set up on the lawn and people were jumping off the balcony onto it and then back up. “We have to!”

           “Absolutely not!” Remus said, shaking his head emphatically. “I don’t fancy going to hospital tonight.”

           Sirius pouted for a moment and then turned to James. “You in, Prongs?”

           “Yeah!” James said, needing something to get his mind off of things. A huge adrenaline rush seemed like it would do the trick.

           James and Sirius raced up the stairs to the second story balcony. “Alright there, lads?” Gideon greeted them as they went through the window. “Feeling brave tonight?”

           “Definitely!” James said, bouncing on the balls of his feet excitedly.

           “Just have to go one at a time,” Gideon informed them. “Don’t want anyone getting hurt.”

           Sirius turned towards James and they did a quick rock-paper-scissors to see who would go first. James won and stepped up to the edge of the balcony. He took a deep breath and jumped, his stomach dropping as he fell through the air. Then it was like he was falling in slow motion as his eyes locked on none other than Barty Crouch Jr. snogging someone that was definitely not Reg. He hit the trampoline and went back up, his body flopping around like a ragdoll for a moment before dropping back down again.

           “What the fuck was that?” Sirius shouted from the balcony. But James was already rolling off the trampoline and heading for Barty.

           “What are you doing?” James shouted, his hands curling into fists. Barty and the bloke he was snogging pulled away from each other. Barty barely had a moment to realize what was about to happen before James’ fist connected with his smug face.

           “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Barty yelled, holding his nose.

           “How could you do this to him?” James said, ready to hit Barty again. He could hear people rushing over and then Sirius was there behind him, looking like he was unsure if he should hit Barty as well or restrain James.

           “Who?”

           “Reg!” James growled, his fist tightening. He swore he was going to hit him again. “Regulus Black, remember him?”

           Barty looked at James as if he were crazy. “Regulus and I broke up a week ago. He said he had feeling for someone else.”

           “Oh,” James said, blinking a few times. “Shit, I’m sorry mate. I didn’t know – “

           “Yeah, whatever,” Barty said, walking towards the house with his face tilted up to stop the blood dripping down his face. “Fucking mental case.”

           “What the fuck is going on?” Sirius asked but James was already pulling his phone out and dialing Reg’s number. All the air left his lungs the moment the call connected and he heard Reg’s voice on the other end.

           “James?”

           “Where are you?”

           “I’m at our dorm,” Regulus answered in confusion. “No need for me to guess where you are.”

           “Stay right there.”

           “James – what – “

           James rang off the phone before Regulus could ask him any more questions. He smacked a big kiss onto Sirius’ cheek and then took off running. He hopped the fence instead of trying to go back through the party, as it would only slow him down. He sprinted through the streets, his breath stinging from the cold, his mind singularly focused on getting to Reg as soon as possible.

           When he burst through the door of their dorm room, Reg was in bed scrolling through his phone. He sat up when James entered, his eyes wide in surprise. “James, did you run the whole way here?”

           “That’s not important,” James said, waving him off.

           “What happened to your hand?”

           “I punched Barty,” James said impatiently. “It’s not important!”

           “It’s not,” Regulus said slowly, looking extremely concerned. James knew he must look slightly manic, his hair a mess from the wind, breathing heavily and his hand bruised. “Then what is important, James?”

           “Do you have feelings for me?” James asked, his chest still heaving as he tried to get his breath back.

           “I – I don’t think that’s a very fair question,” Regulus said, ducking his head down.

           “Why not?”

           “Because you didn’t want to kiss me,” Regulus said, pulling his knees up to his chest, looking small and vulnerable. James wanted nothing more than to gather Reg into his arms. “And that would have been fine but then you ignored me for weeks. Now you rush in here demanding to know if I have feelings for you and it doesn’t feel very fair.”

           James soaked in Reg’s words for a moment. “Fuck, I’ve made a right old meal of this, haven’t I?” he said, scratching the back of his neck nervously. “Let me ask that again. Reg, I’m in love with you and I’d be very interested to know how you feel about me because I really want to kiss you.”

           Regulus’ gaze snapped up to meet James’, looking for any sign that this was a joke. When he found none his mouth dropped. “Oh,” he said softly, a small smile playing on his lips. “Yes. I love you and please kiss me.”

           James walked over with every bit of self-control he had left and sat down next to Reg. He cupped Reg’s face in his hands and watched Reg’s steel grey eyes flutter closed. James felt his own eyelids drift shut at the first press of his lips against Reg’s. It was soft and sweet and already addicting. He forced himself to pull back after a moment and something caught his eye. “You’re wearing my hoodie.”

           Regulus blushed a deep red. It was utterly adorable. “Yeah, um I wear it when you’re not here. I’m sorry, I’ll wash it and put it back. “

           “Keep it,” James said, grinning. He pressed a few more soft kisses to Reg’s lips just because he could. “It’s yours now.”

           Regulus laughed. “Are we talking about the hoodie or you?”

           “Both,” James said, tugging at Regulus until he was sitting across James’ lap, tucked in against him. Suddenly his only plans for the weekend were to kiss and cuddle Regulus as much as possible. And maybe ice his hand because it bloody hurt. “Both is good.”

[solaneceae]

MY HUMAN!EGOS AU

i got a surge of inspiration and started creating my own versions of the egos! its still a work in progress but i love them to bits and im really excited to share them

JACKIE

grew up in an abusive household, emotional and sometimes physical abuse

parents screamed at each other all the fucking time, father was an alcoholic

Left home as soon as he was able to live by himself (16)

he’s 22 now

poor

trans boi, on T, wears a binder cuz he can’t afford top surgery

lives in an apartment with two roommates: Max, a philipino sound designer and independent musician (they/them) and their girlfriend Nilanjana (Nana), a buff training coach from indian descent

Jackie is in a queerplatonic relationship with them: they cuddle and kiss on the forehead during movie nights and all that cute shit

he has a part-time day job to pay the rent and bills: he gives self-defense lessons

he drinks his respect women juice

vigilante at night. gets hurt a lot. his roommates think he fights in an illegal fight club for extra cash and are worried about him

wants to save people and spread positivity wherever he goes

but he has the wrong way to go about it

basically he does the PMA thing wrong and thinks any kind of negativity is bad and tries to force himself to be happy all the time. 

not healthy, someone help this poor boi

anger issues, undiagnosed ptsd and ADHD

antsy boi! stimmy boi! He’s always bouncing on his feet or humming a tune or fiddling with his hair

aromantic asexual

pure of heart, dumb of ass. seriously, he’s such a dumb, but he does have street smarts

vitiligo!!

light blue eyes, dyes his brown hair lime green

extrovert, loves people

the kind of guy to record himself doing parkour and post it on tiktok

team hot cocoa

for the love of god please don’t give him coffee, he’s enough of a jitterbug already

wants a dog. prolly needs an emotional support one.

plays the drums. Fished a beat-up set somewhere, would like a proper one

fights with his fists and a wooden staff

no special powers, just self-taught fighting skills, natural flexibility and talent at acrobatics and rigorous training

MARVIN

he was born with green cat eyes, the physical representation of his extremely potent magic. parents were freaked out, and basically hid him away

had no control over his powers as a baby, would wreak havoc around him. think Mob from Mob Psycho 100

the upper side of his face was badly burned when he lost control of his powers as a toddler, so he wears masks to hide the scars. the cat one is just the one he wears most often

“hey, nice mask!” “it’s a prosthetic.” “...oh.” (it’s not that bad really, he’s just really self-conscious about it)

he was homeschooled his whole life and generally wasn’t allowed to go out much, so his social life/skills are nonexistent

his parents are famous fashion designers

they’re super rich and travel the world and send him a ridiculous amount of money every month

they say it’s for work but the real reason is that they couldn’t deal with having a “freak” as a son but couldn’t abandon him without getting bad PR

so instead they just took their distance and left him to live in a big-ass mansion by himself as soon as he was old enough (10 years old)

they dont really care what he does. last time they called him was when he was 13

last time they sent him a birthday card was when he was 18

now he’s 24

(and at this point he makes me think of bruce wayne lmao. he needs an alfred)

since he has money and home, he doesn’t need a job, so he just stays cooped up in the property and almost never leaves, he orders his food and groceries to be delivered to him

he’s basically a hermit at this point. and a huge nerd

he tries to use his natural magic as little as possible, (hello trauma my old friend) so he still has flimsy control over it

instead he dabbles into wicca and the occult to do stuff

A bookworm, quite serious, dresses like a hipster art school student. he wears SAROUEL PANTS.

glasses!! Big round rimless glasses!! soft!!!!

long brown hair, messy bun, dyes the tips dark green and purple 

disaster gay

“sleep? what’s that? i only know coffee”

has three cats he rescued himself: Spades, Jasper and Poppy

has a huge greenhouse linked to the main building. he likes gardening a lot, whether it’s for his craft, for cooking or just because he likes seeing plants flourish

HOW THEY BOTH MET / IDEAS AND SHIT

Jackie tried to take on a whole ass drug ring and bit more than he could chew at the time so he got beat up pretty bad. He managed to escape with his trusty grappling hook and swung around a bit before crashing through the glass ceiling of the greenhouse while Marv was tending to his plants, in the early morning.

Long story short Marv is in a panic because a complete stranger (also the only human being he’s interacted with in months) just flopped in front of him and is probably dying and he wants to call an ambulance.

jackie: *beaten black and blue and coughing up blood* jackie: oh hey how’s it goin’ marv: *distressed nerd noises* marv: oh my god who the fuck are you but also are you dying in my house im calling an ambulance- jackie: uh yeah no please dont im kinda doing illegal stuff also i cant afford it marv: marv: wh-

also what if marv calls the family’s doctor since jackie won’t go to a hospital, and it’s fucking Schneep henrik: what the fuck did you do this time marv: it wasn’t me! jackie: your family doctor scares me marv: that’s why they hired him

maybe after that jackie keeps coming to see marv and marv is like “ugh you again-” and he always come to marv whenever he gets hurt, to get patched up by schneep. he broke the ceiling two more times basically they become “hey ron hey billy” vine, its just a habit at this point.

Marv is a rich boi that doesn’t know anything about life. at this point i realize he’s like a mix of Elsa and Rapunzel, and Jackie is kinda Flynn xD Jackie just… aggressively becomes Marv’s friend despite the magic man’s reluctance, and shows him the world. love me some smart grumpy nerd/dumb happy jock friendship

jackie: im your friend now marv: wh- jackie: *drags him outside* LETS GO CLIMB A BUILDING TOGETHER-

Marvin but he’s never been in a grocery store in his entire life because he just orders super expensive pre-made meals to his house or cooks his own veggies, and he’s just amazed at the first one they go to

like “wHAT, IT’S A ROW OF FREEZERS! Remind me to install one of these at my place!”

and Jackie, who just came here for bread and milk, looks at him fondly but also is very concerned. Also he doesnt question marv’s masks, he just thinks they look cool

@tabbynerdicat it’s my bois! @lilakennedy because i know you like those two, and your love for them motivated me to develop them first

[zalrb]

Hers Alone {Pt. 11/7}

Merry Christmas! (Happy Holidays to people who don’t celebrate)

*not my gif*

People to tag: @misslilmel @kissmebluesexyvioletsme @humbu-bumbu @gemleilou @bonkai-diaries @darkbonkai @malachaibennett @bonkaimonluv @bonkai-is-life  @bonkais-aurora-borealis @tasha-sews @jordanjanellejoy @l0nd0ninnit @tvtaughtmehowtofeel @bonkaicoven @mysticfalls-originals @sunnydrive92 @seeydaaa @writeturnlove @offlinebonkai @ecksnohhs @lisaluvslife

The first part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/151942784000/the-gambit-bk-regency-pt-1

The second part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/152178534030/the-moon-bk-regency-fic-pt-2

The third part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/152739097855/winded-bk-regency-fic-pt-3

The fourth part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/153795180910/tonight-bk-regency-fic-pt-4

The fifth part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/154224617970/ensnared-bk-regency-fic-pt-5

The sixth part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/154476548055/mad-bk-regency-fic-pt-6

The seventh part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/156132665615/paranoia-bk-regency-fic-pt-7

The eighth part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/157247433010/possession-bk-regency-fic-pt-8

The ninth part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/157618803690/cursed-pt-9-bk-regency-fic

The tenth part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/165597261375/chaos-pt-10-bk-regency-fic

and for the parts that came before the “regency” part and still connected to this part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/125782932450/list-of-fan-fiction

Bonnie woke up screaming.  Tears sprang from her eyes and her body was wrecked with a hunger that maddened her. She didn’t know what was happening to her, why she felt the way she did, she only knew that she wanted it to stop — not get better but stop altogether and for good. Suddenly there was fluid. On her lips. In her mouth. Down her throat. Thick and warm and … bloody. It was blood. It screamed in her veins and sang in her head, it fueled her, enlivened her. Grunting, she clenched onto the plastic and sucked harder, deeper, a sumptuous moan in her throat, she could drink this forever, she could — it was done. Done. DONE. She wanted more. Needed more. She was positive she would die if she didn’t get one more drop. Her mouth ached, her gums were sore, there was a desire to bite, to pierce flesh —

And then she remembered. Screaming. Broken bottles. Snapped neck. Bonnie threw the blood bag to the side and stuck her fingers down her throat, trying to regurgitate the blood back up, coughing around her fingertips.

“That won’t matter, the blood’s already in you, you’ve transitioned now.”

Bonnie snapped her head up and saw Kai sitting in front of her, surrounded by at least twenty blood bags. His expression was anguished, his eyes red, and a rage so intense roiled in Bonnie’s gut that in one quick motion she seized Kai by the throat and slammed him down on the floor, sitting astride him, her fangs bared.

“I SHOULD KILL YOU,” she yelled.      

“This was a last resort,” he wheezed.

“BULLSHIT!”

“You forced my hand.”

“This is what you wanted from the beginning! To ruin me! You’ve wanted to do that since the sixteenth century!” She slammed his head onto the tile, the impact causing the ceramic to crack and blood to splatter. Kai groaned in pain.

“YOU PLANNED THIS.”

“No,” he said tearfully. “I swear I didn’t.”

“Are you crying?” The sight agitated Bonnie’s rage to a fury she couldn’t have imagined until this moment. “YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRY. I SHOUD TEAR OUT YOUR FUCKING EYES. HOW DARE YOU.”

“I didn’t like doing this, Bonnie! This kind of pain … it’s not something I wanted to put you through, I NEVER WANTED THIS. I just … I knew we were going to end up here.”

“SO YOU DID PLAN THIS.”

“I planned on being by your side forever! You’d never be free of me and I’d never let you die.” His face suddenly contorted with rage. “You should’ve never tried to die!”

Bonnie clamped her hand harder around Kai’s throat.

“Stop,” he wheezed.

She squeezed with even more force and then bashed his head against the floor before letting go. She stood up in a speed that felt natural and foreign all at once and started to pace. The bird chirping outside made her wince, the spaghetti sauce her neighbours were cooking made her nose wrinkle, and she was consumed with a hunger that was intrusive, that she felt with her entire body. Each time she glanced at the blood bags, her gums itched, her veins darkened. No. No! Bonnie focused in on Kai. He was cradling his head with a slight grin on his face and the grin infuriated her even more than his tears did, which incited her hunger and pushed her to move. She sped over to the cabinet unit and pried the cupboards off the wall, throwing them through the sliding doors of the kitchen, screaming loudly.

“I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME.”

“You’re hungry.”

“I’m PISSED.”

“I have more blood bags—”

“I DON’T WANT—”

“No, what you want is something else isn’t it?” says Kai. “I know you already feel that craving.”

She did feel it. Suffer it. The urge to move, to run, to hunt… to kill. It didn’t feel like she’d expected it to, it wasn’t a mantra in her head that shrieked KILL KILL KILL, it was a buzzing, an energy in her limbs, an ache in her mouth, an itch on her tongue, it was everything. Everything in her body wanted her to feed. It was a part of her now. Inescapable. She’d been a vampire for what only felt like thirty seconds and the urge to kill was already in her being. Bonnie screamed with a force that made Kai wince.

“I didn’t believe in the devil until I met you,” she spat.

“That’s fitting, I didn’t believe in redemption until I met you,” said Kai.

Bonnie glared at him. “You think what you did to me makes you redemptive?”

“I think that I saved your life.”

“YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE. COMPLETELY.”

               “AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN,” Kai roared. He sped up to her so they were only inches a part and started yelling. “You don’t get to die, Bonnie. You don’t get to punish me like that.”

           Bonnie gritted her teeth and seized Kai by his shirt, driving him through what was left of the sliding doors, the glass shattering as she pushed him against the wooden fence in the backyard. Rapidly, she broke off a peg and pointed the edge to his chest, shrieking in rage. Kai stared at her as she screamed into his face but kept his arms to the side.

           “WHY AREN’T YOU FIGHTING ME DAMMIT?”

           “Because you can kill me if it makes you feel better,” he said. “But you can’t undo what you are. You can’t die at all, I won’t let you, you have to live at any and all costs.”

           “Then you shouldn’t have turned me into a fucking vampire!”

           She threw the peg to the ground and then sped off into the night. Kai slumped slightly against the fence and exhaled heavily, wincing slightly as he felt himself heal. He looked after the space Bonnie had just left.

           “You’re going to need me,” he said aloud to the darkness. “Or you’ll tear yourself apart.”

 She was sure she was going crazy.

           Bonnie avoided the main sidewalks, stuck to speeding through the woods or walking on the side streets, but she could hear it all no matter where she was --- hearts beating and blood pumping, tempting her to feed, to drink her fill and revel in the frenzy.        

I will not kill. I will NOT kill. I WILL not kill. I will not KILL. She muttered it under her breath but each time she told herself to refrain, she felt the desire swell twofold within her. Her inner turmoil had even become physical: she would hear a human --- something she’d constantly re-realize she was no longer --- and her body would simply react, speed toward the sound, her fangs bared, blind with lust and hunger. She would be only a few yards away from her prey, every atom in her body screaming at her to go in for the kill until she’d somehow remember herself, remember that only an hour ago she was human too. It was a distant memory, almost like it belonged to a past life, but it was enough to force herself to speed as far away from the human as she could until she encountered the next noise and rush toward that, so that the simple act of walking was a never-ending struggle in which she zigzagged along the street, going towards a kill and forcing herself away from one. With each denial of human blood, her body became more and more agitated, her hunger becoming an ever-widening hole that consumed her body. Whenever she saw an animal --- a squirrel or a pigeon --- she couldn’t contain that agitation and she’d launch at it, her teeth chewing off tails and wings, ripping through flesh to blood, horrible, vomit-inducing blood that made her retch and heave and cry and curse. She cursed herself, cursed vampirism, cursed God and above all, she cursed Kai. It all started with Kai. Even her past life was entwined with him and the damage he caused --- Bonnie closed her eyes and corrected herself, they caused together --- it had torn apart a kingdom, it had killed and it had spread suffering. Now it sought to transfigure her into an agent of a destruction, something terrible and dark and ---

A racoon skittered through the shadows, attempting to slip by undetected, by Bonnie could sense it, hear it, see it. In one motion, she sped over to the animal and sunk her fangs into it, warm blood gushed into her mouth, its shrieking loud and strangled, as she tore through it. She threw the dead body to the side and doubled over to try and vomit, her gag reflex jumping, fresh tears wetting her tear-stained cheeks. She ran her fingers through her hair.

She knew what she had to do.

There were dead animals everywhere, ripped open and disfigured, droplets of blood trailing away from the carcasses. Kai tracked the sinister breadcrumbs through the woods and along the side streets, his expression a wealth of emotion.

He’d felt remorse but no regret and therefore no shame or guilt. It pained him to see Bonnie’s obvious struggle, to see her starve herself, torment herself, to see her fight the darkness to such an extreme degree, but he’d rather that, rather this constant battle than her death. And if he was being honest, her struggle only meant her hatred of him would deepen and if her hatred of him deepened then so would their bond; with each curse she uttered at him, she was binding herself to him and he wanted her bound to him so tightly that leaving was an impossibility.

He remembered when she’d nearly died at his hand. Emotions were still new to him, the way he needed her, the way he craved her, it still frustrated him beyond reason, it still angered him and maddened him, to be so beholden to someone else.

           But.

           The panic he felt the night he’d almost killed her, that overwhelming sorrow, that painful anger … he was reminded of it when he’d saw her death during their past life. He’d felt a hint of it when she’d resolutely told him she was ending things. And he promised himself that he would do everything in his power to ensure he would never feel that way again. At any cost. Whatever cost. He understood that it was Bonnie’s intention to make him suffer that pain forever but that wasn’t something he was willing to do, there was no way he would ever let Bonnie win. Not if it meant that. Not if it meant his life without her.

           Kai glanced at the innards of a recently killed racoon. He was getting closer. He sped forward.

 Bonnie pounded frantically on the door, slamming her fists so hard onto the wood, she was sure she was going to a punch a hole in the centre. She could hear everyone inside, talking about the mess, the scorch marks, the broken glass, the broken friendships. There were so many people inside, more than she anticipated, she should leave. No she couldn’t leave, she needed his over, she needed ---

           The door opened and Elena stood in the entryway. In an instant, her face lit up. She stepped outside.

           “Bonnie!”

           But then after a few seconds Bonnie could see Elena take it all in, take in the blood dribbling from her mouth, the dirt and guts and blood on her clothes, her feverish shaking. It was like day turned to night. Elena’s face dropped, her eyes widened in worry then fear, her nostrils flared in alarm. Bonnie heard Elena’s frantic heartbeat and her eyes reddened gluttonously.  

           “STEFAN!” Elena screamed.

           “ELENA, GET BACK IN THE HOUSE,” said Bonnie.

           Quickly, she stepped inside. “DAMON! COME OUT HERE NOW.”

           Fangs descended and veins etched her face and without thinking, she moved forward to reach for Elena, making Elena step even further back in the house. Bonnie screamed in frustration. Shame and guilt and fear overcame her with a force that knocked her over and she doubled over, holding her stomach.

           She heard the footsteps and Elena’s voice. At first low, “Stefan, I don’t know how, I don’t know what happened, but she’s … she’s … she’s turned, she’s a vampire, I don’t, I ---” and then higher with impatience. “Matt, I didn’t call you. I need you to go back to the living room and keep Jeremy away from here.”

           “What’s wrong with her?”

           “Matt, please.”

           “Bonnie?”

           It was a different voice. A calmer voice. Stefan’s voice. Bonnie hesitated and then looked up at him, terror-stricken.

           “It’s OK,” he said.

           His face was unworried but his eyes were alert. He stood where was, completely still, and Elena watched him, anxious.

           “It’s OK,” he repeated. “It’s all going to be fine.” He took a small step forward. “Why don’t you come in?”

           “No.” Bonnie moved backward so that she jumped a yard away. “No, I can’t.”  She looked at Elena, at her neck, the desire to tear into it and drain the life out of her, made her veins darken. “I can’t!” she repeated.

           Stefan nodded. “OK, that’s OK, you don’t have to come inside.” He raised his hands. “We can just talk out here.”  

           “Bonnie---” Elena made to walk outside but Stefan held her by the wrist and Bonnie yelled.

           “STAY INSIDE THE DAMN HOUSE!”

           “You won’t hurt me, Bonnie!”

           “She’s not Bonnie right now,” said Stefan.

           “No, she’s not,” said Damon. He joined Stefan and Elena in the doorway. “She’s starving and she’s scared and knowing Bonnie, she’s sickened with herself, there’s no telling what she’ll do right now.”

           He looked at Bonnie, his eyes blazing with rage, his jaw clenched.

           “He did this to you,” he said. “I know he did.”  

           Elena looked at him. “Who?”

           “WHO DO YOU THINK, ELENA?”

“Kai?” Elena looked back at Bonnie. “DID KAI DO THIS TO YOU?”

           Damon took a step outside. “I’m going to find that little bastard and rip him limb from LIMB.”

           “NO!” said Bonnie.

           “BONNIE---”

           “That’s not what I want, what I want is ---”

           A bird landed on the roof of Stefan’s car. Bonnie couldn’t help herself. She sped forward, hopping on the hood and then the roof, and fed from the bird, snorting and heaving as she did, spitting out its body onto the gravel.  

           “Oh my God.”

           Caroline was in the doorway now, her eyebrows furrowed. Elena’s hand was covering her mouth, Stefan eyes were shining, Damon’s eyes were wide and then --- Bonnie felt her entire world fall apart.

           “Bonnie?” Jeremy.  

           “Jeremy?”

           “Jeremy, get back in the living room,” said Damon.

“No, what’s going on? What happened to her, what---?”

           “Jeremy, you shouldn’t be here,” said Elena. “You should---”        

“NO. Not until someone tells me why she did that. She can’t be a vampire, it’s not possible!”

           He tried to walk outside and go to her but Stefan kept a firm grip on his shoulder. “Jeremy, it’s not safe to go out there right now.”

           “HOW CAN IT BE UNSAFE WHEN IT’S BONNIE?”            Bonnie shook her head frantically. She’d already hurt him when he saw her with Kai, she’d felt his anguish when he realized she was no longer the girl he’d fallen in love with, she couldn’t handle his horror now, the dumbfounded torment on his face at seeing her hunched and monstrous and blood-splattered on a car. The scream that escaped her was more like a howl and Elena gasped.

           “Jeremy, PLEASE go back to the living room!”

           “Jer,” said Matt, staring at Bonnie. “Let’s just, let’s go.”      

Bonnie cradled her head in her hands. “I can’t do this.” It’s all she could say, she had no coherent thoughts. She sped off the car, back onto the driveway, staggering around haphazardly, her emotions swirling in her head, rising in her throat, churning in her gut, inciting her hunger.

“I can’t do this. I CAN’T DO THIS. I CAN’T DO THIS.”

“Bonnie, it’s OK, we’ll figure it out.”

           “I DON’T WANT TO FIGURE THIS OUT. I WANT THIS TO BE OVER. THIS ISN’T ME. THIS ISN’T ME. IT’S NOT.”  

           “Bonnie---”

           “NO! I WANT YOU TO ---”

           Something was wrong. She couldn’t speak.

           “I WANT YOU TO---”

           No, she could speak, she just couldn’t say that word. That word that was so clear in her mind, that she thought since the moment she woke up, but that now she couldn’t utter, like her mouth forgot how to form the letters to create the word, like her tongue refused to acknowledge the request.

           “I WANT YOU TO --- I WANT TO --- I WANT YOU TO---”

           She was getting more and more frenzied and panicked with each attempt at a sentence. She started to hyperventilate with frustration, her palms balled into fists. WHY COULDN’T SHE SAY IT?                  

Elena started. “Bonnie…”

           “NO I---”  

           And then she remembered. She remembered what he’d told her.

           “But you can’t undo what you are. You can’t die at all, I won’t let you, you have to live at any and all costs.”

           Kai told her that she had to live and now she couldn’t say the word “kill”. Bonnie’s gut dropped with realization.

           “No,” she said. “No, no, I refuse… Kill that bird,” she said. “Kill the engine. Kill the project. Kill…”

           Caroline and Elena exchanged worried glances and Damon and Stefan glanced at her, confused and at a loss.

           “Kill the fire,” she continued. She knew she sounded crazy, completely out of hr mind, but she had to make sure. “Kill. Kill. Kill. KILL. KILL. I want you to---”

           The word ceased to exist.

           “NO!” She fell to her knees and started pounding the driveway, bashing her knuckles into the gravel so that they were raw and bloodied. “NO!” she screamed it with every blow.

She was Sired.

To Kai.

She was Sired to Kai.

The fucking bastard.

           “He said I had to live,” she wheezed. “He said I have to live and now I have to. I can’t even ask you to try and end my --- I can’t even finish the sentence. He made me live at ALL costs. I HAVE to do what he says!”

           Her knuckles healed and she growled in frustration and started to grab at her hair, pulling it out by the strands.

           “Bonnie, STOP,” said Stefan.  

           Caroline sped over to Bonnie and held her hands away from her hair. Bonnie struggled but Caroline remained fixed.

           “I’m older than you,” she said.

           “You can’t be Sired to Kai,” said Damon. “You hate him. You loathe him, you despise him, that’s all you tell me.” There was a desperate bent to his tone. “You weren’t lying, right? The sex … it doesn’t mean anything, you said it meant nothing.”

           Stefan shook his head slightly. “You only need human feelings, genuine human feelings for a sire bond to take effect, remember?”

           “But I hated Damon,” said Caroline, still keeping a grip on Bonnie. “I was scared of Damon, I resented Damon, those are all human emotions, and I died with his blood in my system but I wasn’t Sired to him. So I don’t, I don’t…”  

           “That was different,” said Elena quietly. She stared sadly at Bonnie. “Bonnie told me once what it is she feels for Kai and it’s powerful. Unshakeable. I’ve seen it, it’s dark and … undeniable and…” Elena swallowed hard. “Scary.”

           “Thank you for the introduction.”

           Everyone turned toward the woods and saw Kai standing at the edge of the driveway.

           “YOU!”  Damon sped over to Kai but Kai gesticulated, muttering an incantation so that a line of fire separated them.

           “COWARD.”

           Kai looked at Bonnie. “Think really hard about whether or not you really want to be here,” he said.

           The sentence caused something in Bonnie to snap and she wrenched out of Caroline’s grasp.

           “BONNIE!”

           Kai lowered the flames so Bonnie could speed toward him. She grabbed him by the throat and yelled in his face. “I’M SIRED TO YOU. YOU CAN MAKE ME WANT THINGS I DON’T REALLY WANT.”

           “The only thing I’ve made you do is live,” he said. “You can do anything else you want, you can decapitate me right here, but I’m never letting you die, Bonnie.”

           Bonnie glared at him, at the furious sincerity in his gaze and she gritted her teeth, letting him go. Elena and Damon rushed forward but Kai opened his hand, making the flames burn brighter and higher.  

“GIVE HER BACK,” she said.

“You’re really going to fight me?” said Damon. “You deserve to burn in hell for what you did to her!”

“Coming from the guy who force-fed that one---” Kai nodded toward Elena “--- his blood not one but two times?”

“Don’t turn this around, Kai!” said Elena. “You destroyed her!”

“A little convenient that me saving her life is what destroyed her but not the amount of times all of you used her for your own benefit.”

“You really believe you have the moral high ground in this situation?” said Stefan.

“No, I just believe that none of you have the right to kill me, the only person who has that right is Bonnie,” he says. “I’m hers and hers alone so back off.”

“Like hell we’re going to back off,” said Caroline. “LOOK AT HER! YOU’VE TURNED HER INTO SOMETHING SHE HATES.”

“She doesn’t need your rescuing,” said Kai.

Bonnie whirled on him. “DON’T SPEAK FOR ME.”

He thrust his face into hers. “But you’ll allow them to speak for you?”

           “They would never do this to me!”

           “No, they would just let you die!”

           “I chose to die!”

           “You chose to die to save them! AGAIN.”

“I chose to die because it was the only way I would ever be free of you! You wouldn’t just let me go!”

“How many times, how many ways do I have to show you that I will NEVER let you go? I choose you even when you don’t chose yourself. I choose you even when you hate me for it, especially when you hate me for it! I choose you and I don’t care if you’re cursed for it!”

Damon saw it, saw the fury in Bonnie’s face, the fury that only surfaced when she glared at Kai, the fury that preceded an even more passionate, more violent emotion. He ran even closer to the fire.

           “Bonnie don’t!”

           But it was too late. Bonnie grabbed Kai by the shirt again, pushing him into the woods, slamming him against a tree and she started punching him. Hitting him again and again so that she could feel his bones break beneath her knuckles, feel his teeth shatter beneath her force, hear his grunts of pain. It was viciously satisfying. Her anger thrust out of her with each blow, anger at her sixteenth century death, her sixteenth century insanity, resentment at her vampirism, at the complete annihilation of Jeremy. This wasn’t what she wanted. He wasn’t what she chose. EVERYTHING WAS FUCKED and she couldn’t die to escape it!

But the more she hit him, the more confused her emotions became. The hatred was there. The resentment, the rage, the desire to punish him, to kill him, to rip him limb for limb but none of that drowned out his words. I’m hers and hers alone. None of that drowned out his intent, him and her forever, her forever, her alive. It enlivened her with a power, the knowledge of the lengths he’d go to keep her, the things he’d betray, the things he’d break to have her, the fact that he would risk harm and accept death to just get one more night with her --- it excited her in a way she’d never experienced before now, a way that made every inch of her tingle, every part of her ache, that overcame her with a lust so that she couldn’t breathe without wanting. And that lust only exacerbated her hunger, only added desperation to her thirst, it intensified her cravings, deepened her longing for blood, her yearning for the bite, her hankering for satiation that all Bonnie could think to do was throw Kai to the ground, tear open his shirt and sink her fangs into him.

He called out in surprise and hardened immediately beneath her. His cry turned into a long drawn-out moan as she sucked from his neck. His blood sang through her veins and made her throb between her thighs, she grunted as she gorged and he grunted as she drank, making her suck from his bite harder.

           “Fuck,” he gasped.

           Kai moved his hands to her waist but the instant Bonnie felt his fingers on her, she took a hold of both of his wrists and pinned his arms to the ground and redoubled her efforts as she fed.

           “Jesus Christ,” he swore. “Bonnie, please.”

           She heard his desperation. She didn’t care. She wanted him desperate. She wanted him panting and begging and frustrated and hers. He deserved it. He deserved worse. Bonnie started to writhe on top of his bulge, gyrating her hips, the friction making her moan so that he swore, his hands straining against her iron-clad grip.  

She withdrew from his neck to look at him, to look at his veined face and drawn fangs, to look at his neediness, his readiness. Every trace of his human expression was gone, he’d crossed over into total viscera now, complete and utter need. For her. Bonnie bit her wrist and then held it over Kai’s face, her blood dribbling onto his mouth. He licked his lips greedily, closing his eyes, groaning, sighing and then begging, his head rolling from side to side on the ground.

“Please. PLEASE.” It was all he could say. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t anywhere close to enough.

“Please?” whispered Bonnie. “Please what?”  

“More,” he panted.

Bonnie pressed herself on him so more so that he squeezed his eyes shut and banged his head on the ground.

“More,” he said again.

“Of what?”

“Of everything,” he sighed. “Of you.”

           “No,” she said coldly.

           “Bonnie.”

           She glared at him. She touched her wound with her finger and then put it to his mouth. Instantly, he enclosed her fingertip with his lips, the tip of his tongue itching the blood off the pad of her finger. She withdrew her finger and his eyes flashed. He tried to rise up but Bonnie slammed him back on the ground, rubbing her wound on his lips, before wriggling on him. His hands dug into the grass and dirt as his readiness grew harder beneath her motions. Bonnie bent down and pressed her lips against his and he responded enthusiastically, kissing her in an attempt to drown in her, in her essence. She bit his bottom lip and sucked on the blood, twirling her tongue around his so that he could taste what she tasted but nothing else, nothing of her own. The more she tasted of him, the faster she swayed on his lap, tightening her thighs, his readiness bringing her closer and closer to the edge. When she felt her insides writhing and rising, coiling and tightening, she dug her fangs into the other side of Kai’s neck, the blood pushing her over into euphoria that made her throw her head back and convulse, repeatedly, arching her back, Kai’s blood dripping onto her chest.

           Kai gazed at her open-mouthed, awed and desirous, his lips furled over his fangs, his chest heaving up and down with anticipatory pants, his erection throbbing, his entire body aching with need, his tongue itching for its next fix, his eyes dark and red and desperate with want. Bonnie looked down at him, a vicious smirk on her face and then disentangled from him, standing up.

He furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief and then his eyes flashed. He sat up quickly.  

           “If I don’t have you now!” Bonnie looked at him, the words were a threat. “If I don’t drink from you now…” Kai gritted his teeth and pressed his lips together. “I’m going out of my fucking mind, Bonnie. If you deny me, I’m only going to try and satiate my appetite,” he said. “Dozens of people will be dead by the morning. Are you going to be able to live with that?”

           Bonnie looked at him. “You’re making me live with a lot of things, Kai.” She turned to walk away but Kai grabbed her by the wrist.

           “I’m getting you back for this,” he said. “This is only the beginning, Bonnie.”

           Bonnie knelt in front of him and kissed him again. He crushed her to him, gripping the arch of her back as she ran her fingers through his hair, clutching on the strands. His lips moved to her neck, the tip of his tongue skating down her throat and she felt his fangs pierce her skin and she mewled at the bite, moistening at his grunt as he sucked. She wanted to press his head to her wound, wanted to wrap herself around him, urge him to lap harder but instead she pulled away from him so that he yelled a strangled yell.

           “BONNIE.”

           “I’d like to see you try,” she said, speeding away. She heard his cry of frustration as she left the wood.

[lyraeon]

Hi! Sorry for intruding, and you definitely don't have to answer if this too personnal or invasive, but I've been wondering if my depression might be a bipolar one for a while now, only I don't always see myself in the way people talk about mania/hypomania, only sometimes I do? And the way you described mania being /straightforwardly frustrating/ sort of spoke to me, so I was wondering if you could explain what you meant by that? (or direct me to posts where you have?) Huge thanks!

Hello friend!

I’m sure I have other posts about it somewhere, but short of digging through my whole relevant tag, I wouldn’t know where to look for them. But I don’t mind explaining overall.

First of all, if your depression seems to come and go, but not necessarily be replaced by hypomania or mania, it may be something else. Seasonal Affective Disorder is the most common alternative, but Cyclothymia is also a thing, and should especially be looked up if your depression also never hits a bottomless pit level. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “well, it’s not THAT bad, so I guess I’m ONLY cyclothymic and I shouldn’t worry about it” or whatever though!! That’s just the depression talking and trying to keep you down. Ignore it.

I don’t know if I get manic or hypomanic, doctors have consistently disagreed about it. But, I know I have two main modes of mania, though they can bleed into each other.

There winds up being talk about hallucinations, self-harm, and graphic nightmares in this, so if that’s gonna bug anyone reading this, J on past it

Hyperactive mania:

What is sleep? This is not me procrastinating sleep or being distracted by other things, this is me flat out not needing more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night and having trouble getting to sleep to begin with, not in an insomnia “I’m so tired but can’t settle down” way but in a “I don’t feel tired unless I drink or take sleeping pills or otherwise really wear myself out” way.

Zero focus - I have little to no attention span most of the time to begin with (I suspect I have ADHD but most doctors will be reluctant to diagnose that in addition to bipolar, since mania has a lot of overlap). This typically gets worse during mania; I will repeatedly get up out of my chair to walk laps around my house, often gesturing wildly and definitely talking out loud to myself if no one’s home. I’ll sometimes try to play music to get the energy out to that, but rarely get through a single verse before skipping to the next.

Hyperfocus - and when I do manage to focus on something, (which has to either be something I’m REALLY ENJOYING or something social) I will get dragged into it for 14 hours and only snap out of it if I need a bathroom break or something. The Sims is a common one, not just for me but for a lot of people from what I hear. I always know something was a hyperfocus and not a thing I really wanted to do in general because after 3 days - 2 weeks of the thing I won’t touch it again for months or years. My last manic fit involved playing a sim city phone game for 6-7 hours a day and binge watching multiple people’s entire hermitcraft 4 season. The one before that had me playing rollercoaster tycoon constantly.

sex drive - suddenly characters and celebrities I had not previously regarded as hot are hot. Suddenly I have 15 AO3 tabs open. I feel like people who know me well can notice my mania just by how often and what gets reblogged to my NSFW blog.

poor decision making - I’m far more likely to buy ice cream or alcohol or other things I don’t need to be spending my money on. I’m far more likely to give in to the whole not sleeping thing, or to take sleeping meds despite cutting it way too close to when I have to be up the next day. I lose my verbal filter. I still don’t know if the fact I don’t do anything life-ruiningly stupid is evidence I’m only hypomanic, not manic, or just my anxiety keeping me in check.

Intense emotions - I cried at a University of Phoenix ad yesterday y’all. I also in general am not one to cheer or yell at something happening on TV/in a video, but get more invested when manic and react on a level closer to when I’m actively playing a game or something.

But there’s also the frustrating side (not that the above isn’t often frustrating, just that the above are more associated with positive emotions or at least not a pervasive Stressed Out feeling)

Easily frustrated - I am not one to get mad, normally. I actually get criticized for just letting things slide that obviously upset me/”you keep saying it’s okay right after saying it’s not okay”. I don’t know how to handle getting mad due to gaslighting issues growing up that I won’t get into right now so when I do start getting mad, it tends to build up until I find myself tense and literally stomping mad and sitting in the car screaming in frustration (because if I scream in the house someone might hear me). I also snap at people far, far more often when manic, losing any patience I would typically have and sometimes going for passive aggressive gouges if what they’re annoying me with has built up over a couple days as opposed to instantly. For example, yelling at people who are in my raid group.

nightmares - dear god the nightmares. I will do things in them that I find barely or completely unquestionable in them, then wake up freaked the fuck out because I just - well, we’ll go with today’s example, which is that I fuckin shot my dog in my dream, and for no apparent reason! Death is a pervasive thing in these, including me getting jolted awake by my own death in them, but unstoppable torrents of water are also common as is things just not making any sense - an object I’m holding turning into something else the moment I try to give it to someone else is also something that happens a lot

tense - dear god do my shoulders and back hurt, and not my normal everyday chronic arthritis pain, because that’s in the joints. This is every muscle pulled as tight as it will go and locked, and often carries a sensation of “the only way to fix this is to literally claw them off the bones”. Upper back is the most common but my forearms come next (especially near my elbows) and every major muscle can feel that way if I’m far enough gone. This used to lead to self-harm in the form of me scraping at those areas trying to make the sensation stop (and has lead to weird masochism stuff), but it’s something I consciously avoid now. I’ll usually try to rub at them or stretch to relieve the tightness, but often sleeping it off is my only real recourse.

really, really, REALLY unable to focus - I can’t get through two minutes of a video without pausing it. I skip every song 4 seconds in and instead of just feeling like they don’t fit quite right, each song feels like it’s personally offending me by not being the right one and I eventually give up and take off my headphones in a huff. I’ll forget I was loading the dishwasher halfway through. I’ll keep doing one more little task and one more little task for hours to procrastinate simple things like eating or walking the dog. I always in general have trouble finishing my sentences sometimes, because I’ll lose words or I’ll wind up reading/hearing something mid-sentence, but it becomes every third sentence.

Itchy - everything feels wrong. My hair has to be pinned up as thoroughly as possible so it can’t touch my skin, my glasses have to be perfectly clean because the smudges will piss me off, my clothes have to be just right so they don’t touch my skin in ways that will make me jump/itch like if my hair touches me, any rough edge of my nails or cuticles has to immediately be chewed off, if there’s a weird hair or a zit or a scab anywhere on me I will be picking at it instantly, whatever I’m sitting or laying on is too lumpy, etc. My scalp itches regardless of when I last washed my hair, but washing my hair sounds dreadful because the sensation of wet hair weighing me down is even worse (vs it normally being a soothing sensation to me). My ears itch!! it’s maddening and distracting.

noise and light sensetivity - everything is too bright and too loud! I’ll have as many lights off as possible (sitting in the dark, showering in the dark, screens all as dim as they will go; I’ll often close my eyes or blindfold myself if I really need to concentrate on something I’m typing or listening to). I try to get white noise because background sounds like the dog walking around will drive me batty, but white noise will give the same “wrong one” sensation as music, and if I notice ANY repetition in the white noise (obvious bird loops for example) unless I have deliberately chosen a repetitive melody because it feels right, I will snap and have to turn it off and probably just cover my ears for a while. 

The sensation that shit would suck less if I was drunk right now, because that would either “at least give me something to do” or “make all of this funny instead of annoying” (but alcohol only intensifies what I’m feeling, so if I’m “good” manic it makes me super happy and if I’m frustrated manic I just get angrier)

just an overall sense that everything is wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it and unlike when I’m depressed, wherein I feel like it’s all my fault and I probably deserve to die because of it, it all just pisses me off more and makes me need to get up and wander around. in the less extreme of these moments, I end up trying to figure out lists of what needs to be done, but getting frustrated trying to think that hard. In the worse ones, things will be blown out of scale and I’ll be plagued not just by the problems in my own life but by how fucking frustrating it is not to be able to fix, oh, our broken government, or how frustrating it is that I don’t have the money to just buy us a house right this second, etc.

hallucinations - this is top floor mania for me. The only thing above it is the roof that I will sometimes lay on at 2 in the morning, limbs spread as wide as possible for minimal skin contact, laughing uncontrollably on the inside while feeling paralyzed. My hallucinations are “mild” ones - I’ve only had one or two visual flashes in my life, everything else has been sounds, and it’s rarely been even words, let alone more. it’s usually alarms and sometimes music. I’ll hear my boyfriend’s alarm going off, or the fire alarm going off, or my own alarm going off, or my family’s burglar alarm going off, etc. This is one that meds have been royally good at keeping under control and I’ve only had breakthroughs of it when I’m also sleep deprived.

-basically, mania is fUCKING FRUSTRATING AS ALL GET OUT because you have all this energy but nothing FEELS RIGHT so nothing gets DONE, 99.94% of the time.

The additional problem for me with breakthrough mania - that is, symptoms that happen despite my medication keeping me mostly “normal” -  is that it rarely brings any of the positive aspects that make being manic at least fun in the moment, if not sometimes genuinely worth it. I can get a LOT done when manic if I can take advantage of it before the bad symptoms set in, and I suspect a lot of my current writer’s block issues are because I’m not getting the same kind of hyperfocus days that I used to. But boy do I still itch sometimes, boy are my shoulders craving for me to go rub on a tree like a bear, boy is my stomach cranky because I’m so hungry but eating food sounds like a horrifying chore because what if it doesn’t taste right, etc.

I don’t really know how to explain exactly what I mean by the emotions feeling stunted, but it’s sort of like trying your hardest to find the can opener because you know it’s got to be somewhere, but it’s not anywhere you’re looking, except the can opener is your ability to be excited about this thing you wanted to do, or is your ability to be mad about something you know for a fact you’re pissed about, but you get stuck sitting there just dully frustrated instead because you can only read the label of the can, not actually experience the contents? Or maybe like opening it and finding store brand, “no sugar added” peaches instead of the really good del monte overly sweet stuff; your emotions themselves just feel lackluster compared to what you know they can be.

If a lot of this sounds familiar - if you’re like, yeah I get really annoyed easily and get sensory issues etc but I thought I didn’t get mania because I’ve never been pulled over in vegas going 110 in a 45 and all the media presents of mania is that and crazy chicks putting themselves $12,000 in debt overnight and waking up with no recollection of it - then you probably have hypomanic bipolar. If little bits sound familiar but they always are accompanied by existential dread and/or the pervasive sense you’ve gotta keep moving Or Else, it could be some sort of anxiety disorder. Parts of this list also overlap with autism, or with ADHD, or with BPD, just depending on which symptoms you have.

By my understanding, the one cornerstone of any form of mania is that you feel like you have more energy than normal; not more energy than depressed you, but an actual excess. That energy can fade fast/turn out to be just a sensation and not actual energy, but the sensation is still there, and usually fucks with your sleep.

Hopefully that helped. If it didn’t, or if it did but there’s something else you want to know, feel free to shoot me another anon or a message. I might be slow to respond because my sleep schedule is currently fucked to three more hells than normal, but I will definitely do what I can to help.