#god save me. I need to go write the worst essay of my life

[meezer]

so interesting how different emotions have different bodily sensations. I am currently experiencing "university anxiety" which feels similar but also markedly not the same as "fear anxiety" which I felt recently

[myhamartiaishubris]

Ben Hargreeves is the worst written best character and I can prove it

This is a poorly organized meta/essay about my baby boy who got massacred. Originally posted in the discord server so some of y'all have seen it already.

Let me be clear: this is a love letter to my favourite Hargreeves boy. I could write him better. I could fix him (narratively).

Here's why Ben is a great character who, paradoxically, was very badly written.

Umbrella Ben

Listen. Listen to me. Ben Hargreeves was, from the moment I saw him, my absolute favourite character. He's already dead? Doomed by the narrative before the narrative even begins? Also, an East Asian character in the year of our Lord 2018?? I was on board. And Brelly Ben gets a lot of good moments! You know that scene where Klaus is in the motel closet, tied up, and Ben says something like, "How does it feel being helpless? This is how I feel, watching my brother piss his life away." Um, hello?? That's such a delicious line.

Because up until this point Ben's been kind of quiet, in that dead broody way, or we saw his young self being soft and reluctant. But suddenly we realize, oh, Ben isn't nice. In fact, he's kind of nasty to his addict brother, and you get this kernel of a glimpse into his character. This is a character who might have been soft-spoken in life, but death and the years since have shredded him down to all his razor edges. He's still that bookish little Ben, except he's not little and he's frustrated, angry, traumatized, and in pain.

And season 2 builds on this! He's willing to violate Klaus's personal boundaries just for a taste of life again. Holy shit that's so delicious. My problem is that, especially in season 2, this isn't explored nearly as much as it could be. Ben's possession shenanigans are mostly played for comedy, when in fact we could be delving into the implications of Ben's character and his relationship with Klaus. You have this character who's kind, who (from what we know so far) represented the "good" of the academy, who loves his brother so so hard and it hurts him so bad to see Klaus hit rock bottom every time. The little "I missed you guys" in season 2? Devastating. And yet despite his goodness he is capable of being a bad person, and he repeatedly hurts those around him (namely Klaus).

So surely this is part of his arc, right? This is going to be explored and resolved. Right?

The Season 2 Ending

So the thing is, I didn't immediately hate the way they had Ben move on / die to save Viktor. I was sad to see my favourite character go, but also excited to see where the writers would take that storyline. Because, obviously, it wasn't over. Right? Obviously Ben's arc isn't finished, he hasn't resolved his frustrations, his complicated relationship with Klaus is never fully untangled, plus the rest of the family never get a moment of real closure with him (except maybe Diego). So clearly, it wasn't over. Right?

Well, in light of season 4, I can confidently come back and say that killing Brelly Ben off here was a stupidass decision.

And here's why: you've effectively splintered his arc in half. Starting from season 3, Ben is an entirely different character, with an entirely different arc that needs to be built from the ground up. While everyone else gets 4 seasons of development, Ben only gets 2, both times. And I'm so not over the fact that his arc isn't over. We saw Ben do some reprehensible shit to Klaus, especially in season 2 with all that possession shit! And we just. Never hear from him again? That's bullshit.

But anyway, since we're here, let's make peace with being here. Hey, Justin H Min is still playing a version of Ben, and he seems interesting, if way different! Surely this will have some interesting implications.

Sparrow Ben

Oh god, Sparrow Ben. In terms of Ben's character writing, season 3 is... fine. Like I said, it suffers from effectively fracturing his arc in half and having to start over, and this isn't the complicated, kind but frustrated and prickly ghost Ben I originally fell in love with. But ok, I do like Justin, and EA rep is still a win to me, so let's go with the flow.

For the most part, season 3 does a solid job. We get some solid beats relating to Ben's ambition and inferiority complex being Number 2. There's a bit of overacting on Justin's part, but hey, that's camp. (I think. I have no idea if I'm using that word right. Am I hip with the kids?)

I really, really loved Ben's moment with Sloane as she's getting married, because it highlights the core of this Ben's character: someone who desperately yearns for family but has forced himself to be all hard shell and soldier. In a way, he's the other end of Brelly Ben's spectrum. (Like forsterite and fayalite - all Mg on one end, Fe on the other.) How much of this Ben is family softness, how much of it is defense mechanism and lashing out?

And then of course - the thing I've been craving so badly - the in-universe comparison to Brelly Ben. This was done... underwhelmingly, if I'm honest. I liked that Ben had a moment of crisis where he couldn't live up to the Umbrellas' dead version of himself, and his moment with Klaus was nice, but in light of season 4 it becomes clear that we could have had more. I wanted him to have an entire arc about it - after all, it's a pretty significant aspect of your character to be "the worse version of yourself from another timeline." (Refer to @vyther16's Gongye Jiwu fic.) I feel like there's a lot of meta you could pull from that, about how your siblings who aren't your siblings look at you and see someone different. Someone you won't be. Someone you can't be, even if you tried, so why bother trying? And they really don't dig through that at all, which is disappointing.

The tentacle samurai fight is badass, though.

Season 4

Oh buddy oh boy. There's so much dumpster fire here, but I'll start with the season 3 loose ends and then move on to season 4's own problems.

1) Sloane. Luther picks Ben up from prison, so I thought they might have an interesting bonding moment over Sloane - after all, they're the two people who cared most about her. But actually no, apparently Ben doesn't give a shit about the one real sister he actually had left at the end of s3.

2) The subway thing. Wasn't he in Korea? My grasping-at-straws ass truly thought that might have been Brelly Ben in the reset timeline, and we'd get a Ben-Ben confrontation or a battle in the minds thing. But I guess that doesn't matter.

3) The Jennifer Incident. So we all know that everyone forgetting about an incident they explicitly reference is stupid, right? Especially because the name Jennifer only exists because they reference it in s3. Ben obsessively draws Jennifer, and then he doesn't recognize or know her? Kill me.

The continuation of his arc is also just sloppy, if it even exists. No more identity crisis about being the worse Ben, no more secret yearning for family or inferiority complex about being a good soldier. Suddenly his arc amounts to, uh, being an asshole and getting hit with sex pollen so powerful it ends the world.

And look, there is a world where Sparrow Ben spiking everyone with marigold could parallel with Brelly Ben's consent problems with Klaus. There is a world where Sparrow Ben dying because of Jennifer could echo Brelly Ben's death in a haunting, tragic, destined kind of way.

But, uh, none of that happens. Here we are, finally getting a Ben-centric season, and it's this. Being relegated to a plot device in your own season. Looking back and realizing that you were always the plot device, even in season 2. Carrying all that tragedy in your little ghost body and being treated like Chekov's waterlogged gun.

And I can't help but look back at season 1, Klaus trying so desperately to prove Ben's existence, and contrast it with the literal next season where a single throwaway line from Klaus sidelines Ben for a whole season. And then he dies. And he dies again.

Fucking hell.

It feels like I'm being made a fool of. Oh, you cared about this East Asian character? You wanted him to have narrative weight and character presence instead of being a plot device for the benefit of his White brothers? Idiot.

Because you'll still be here anyway, right? You'll grasp onto your crumbs for a cool EA character, you'll let us run a character through a trash compactor and keep pretending he's a good character because you latched onto this one East Asian protagonist and you don't want to admit that maybe you should have let go years before.

[selvie-blue]

Selvie's Revival: The Blue Edition: The Decision to Bring Back My Article and a Madman's Conversation with ChatGBT to Find the Perfect Title

"Patient (you): Flops around dramatically onto the couch, 'So, Doc, it all started with my mother... (pauses, then laughs). Oh, autocorrect. I mean to say, it all began with a typo! I know, I know. Very cliché. But hey, aren't clichés just recycled gold? Or maybe it's more like discovering a crumpled treasure map in an old showbox, only to find out it leads to a coffee shop instead of buried treasure! So, let's navigate these tangled mental pathways together, shall we? How's your day been, Doc?"

This is a direct quote I took from ChatGBT. They didn't say "showbox" but "shoebox." I just thought "showbox" would sound better. What the hell's a showbox? Beats me.

While at work, my mind was caught up on the fence of decision again. Structuring this battle out of questions that are far more simplistic and need no battle to save them. In other words, I was making Mount Kilimanjaro out of the world's smallest molehill.

You see, once I deleted my article, thinking I did it for the right purpose, I left for work while my apprehensions rolled out the red carpet for me and my thoughts overworked on tired gears. Gears practically branded with the emblem, "Oh my God, man! Just MAKE A DECISION!!"

So, I wanted to write an article, or an essay, or a thought piece, or whatever, to relay the fact that I am bringing my article about Joseph Dain and the slow emergence of frontal nudity in ENM media back. But, Selvie, you may ask. Why did you take it down in the first place? I thought you were talking about needing permission.

Well, yeah, about that:

A WRITER CAN BE THEIR OWN WORST ENEMY

You know that little voice? The one just inside the mental mindscapes behind your ear as you write, and it says things like, What are you writing? This is terrible. You're the reason why Hemingway shot himself; he traveled to the future, saw your stuff, and was like, That's it. Writing is dead, and so is this man's chance at a career. And me. Yeah, I'm dead. Doin' it the DIY way. PEACE OUT!

Well, while all of us have that little voice in our heads, no matter what kind of path we're on, mine has, in the past, put up rental properties and invested in condos all across the cerebral real estate that is my brain. It actually did start at the very beginning of my life. I had support and all that. But that "support" was met with a caution that deceptively rested on beds made with second guesses. Follow your dreams, but make sure to have an actual career. Writers don't get paychecks!

SEARCHING FOR A TITLE THAT SPEAKS BY USING CHATGBT

I wanted to use this perceived failure as an opportunity. At first, I took down the article in an effort to get permission, even though my article was an opinion piece and I didn't claim any of the works as my own, only using them to support my theory. Plus, all the sources were public. Did anyone come up to me and say, Selvie! Take down that article, or I'm going to send my legal team to attack you! And, ugh, stop writing. You're no good, and you're depressing Hemingway! Hemingway!! It takes a lot to get him down. I mean, have you read his work!? No, no one said that. It was my own thoughts and my own suspicions that things could go wrong at any second. I was waiting in a storm, preparing for all those other shoes to come hurling towards me. Stopping progress before I even started.

So, I downloaded ChatGBT on my phone and decided to use it to try and perfect a title for this article.

But instead of just using ChatGBT, I decided to make it a part of the article. I wanted to document a few snippets of the conversation I had with this system as a way to comment on our reliance on such technologies and the internal strife a writer has with themselves in using these tools. At what point does convenience turn into complete reliance on a fabricated reality set for us?

I also wanted to relate a simple conversation in the presence of my mind burning through questions on a fast track gone curvy. Its cemented path winding with delirium made far more common to the human experience from the practicality of ADHD. Before feeling as if you're in this manic field created with the most logical reasoning you've had and having that paired with the paranoia of seeing the consequences of either decision, balancing out the two extremes on either end of a necessary lunatic's lacrosse stick.

Unrelated photo.

These are a few small fragments of that conversation:

“ChatGBT, I want to find a title for an article I'm working on. You see, I took down a previous article, thinking I needed permission for some things, but I really think I was just sabotaging myself. Perhaps stopping things before they even started. I still think that even saying any of this could be an invitation for people to take a look at my work with a space telescope. Oh, please help me, ChatGBT. You're the only one that can.”

Of course! I'd be happy to help. What's the title you're currently working on?

Hmmm. How about Selvie's Revival: The Blue Edition? A Personal Essay on My Journey to Enlightenment and All That Crap?

The title is quite engaging, sets the tone, and blends humor with the promise of depth and emotion.

The conversation did, indeed, get a little more in-depth.

Here's a snippet of that:

How have these experiences of indecision and distress affected your writing process and the themes you explore in your work?

“How has it NOT affected it!? I'm always writing about different kinds of connections. I looked for answers in places that I thought were not possible. And in some cases, I found myself in the mere existence of my own mentality. Existing on a plane that one can find from time to time when they're staring off into space, imagining what life would have been like if other doors were chosen. But then realizing, perhaps, it didn't matter which one you chose; it's more about how you make that part of the journey for your own benefit and gain.”

Needless to say, I eventually did come up with a title. It was more of a scramble of different suggestions and phrases taken from both my side of the conversation and this unreal entity quite literally breaking its way through the uncanny valley.

A WRITER AND THEIR CONTINUING BALANCE OF WORK TO NOT BREAK THE READER'S TRUST

While doing this, I not only said that I took the article down for transparency's sake, but I actually asked some of those in my ENM community for advice.

But, when it comes to transparency, where is the line between being relatable to the readers and making them feel like they're attending your support group? Possibly making them decide: This is all just too much for me. I even saw Hemingway walk out. Sorry, bro. I can't keep following the ups and downs of this journey you're on.

Well, I'm still kind of new to this writing-for-public-consumption thing. Oh, I've been writing all my life. But I only recently started doing it for other people with like-minded fetishes to see. Navigating those waters while trying to unlearn patterns I'm used to thinking about is a rather unique challenge.

But, as writers, how do we maintain our authenticity while still holding our audience's attention? The most I can say is...

DON'T OVERTHINK; JUST DO IT...

Nike and Shia LeBeouf were right. It's as succinct a point as any. I just need to stop thinking so much about what if this happens, what if that happens. If I were to continue on this paranoid track, then I'd never get anything done. I need to leave a paper trail of facts, truths, and my own interpretations for Hansel and Gretel to follow. So they can have some food for thought instead of chowing down on deceptive sweets prepared with predatory intentions. It's a dark, lush forest out there. But there are parts of it that are vibrant and breathtaking. I need to find my little corner by the calming stream and breathe. Block out any noise and just follow my instincts, whether that is to edit out certain things or simply realize I am getting in my own way.

I'M JUST STARTING OUT...

Now is not the time to overthink and second-guess myself. I'm still building an audience. I still find pieces of wonder lit up by the vocabulary of my perspectives spliced on the page. I not only want but need to get my work out there. It's time to stop waiting at the bottom and actually start climbing. No matter how high I get, I can find balance without letting my acrophobia make me lose my footing.

HOPE THIS HELPS....

I'm sure others have doubts like this. If you do, hey, you're not alone. This is just a way for me to reintroduce myself. I want to let you know that this will not be just a blog about ENM, but also different entries and perspectives. There'll be a focus on ENM, but spiced with a mixed soup of emotions, thoughts, and expressions. Like I said before, I'm a writer first. I want to start working on stories as well as more articles and different entries chronicling my journey. All this to say, yeah, I'm gonna put the article back up. I worked hard on it, and I am determined to move forward. I'm Selvie Blue, and this is my blog.

[effei-s]

anderson and his paradox:

about the duality of a man.

(aka see me rambling in this 1500-words long essay about how much i love him)

the first half of his paradox: he’s more than capable of love. i would even dare to say that love is a driving force behind 99% of his actions.

let’s look at examples:

adam’s mom (aurora):

i’ve said it before, i’ll say it again: he worshiped the ground she walked on. it’s a fact. it’s what adam said about him in unravel me: i know he loved my mom. it was always her, everything was about her.

her death was probably the worst thing that happened to him, the loss that made him truly suffer, hence him constantly talking about how he wants to shield warner from it. that whole thing with lena is not about control itself, it’s about warner not making his own mistakes. there’s a genuine desire to protect there.

evie:

considering how little information is given about them it’s honestly amazing how much there lies between the lines (can mafi write everything the way she’s written them, please?).

they’re the perfect example of my favourite type of soulmates. he’s actually second worst person on this planet, because first place is already taken by her. there’s no one who knows him better then her (she knew about adam = she knew about aurora). there’s no one who understands him better than her (them being two vital parts of the RE from the very beginning). it doesn’t matter how much they fight, he trusts her with his life no questions asked: he comes to her before ignite me and asks her to make him immortal. considering evie’s words in defy me about how she was ready to kill him for trying to kill juliette in unravel me it was very risky of him (because if there’s one person that could slit open his throat and kill him for good, because he let his guard down, it would be evie). he trusts her to do her job and has no doubts about her capability to succeed. his first reaction to her death is ‘what? it can’t be real!’ because evie for him is almost untouchable entity ‘if they couldn’t hurt me, they sure as hell won’t be able to hurt her’. when he realizes that it’s true he’s terrified.

and anderson doesn’t do terrified.

/i really don’t know what can scream LOVE louder than this/

warner:

we can’t not talk about warner here.

warner betrays him and he still saves warner life. you need to remember that the only reason why warner is still alive in defy me, after he committed treason, is because anderson protects him.

by that time in restore me/defy me anderson, who technically lost his position as a supreme, still managed to save warner’s life /because he’s cool like that/.

“I had to call in a number of favors to have you transported here unharmed. The council was going to vote to have you executed for treason, and I was able to convince them otherwise.”

even evie doesn’t dare to fuck with warner because she knows anderson will come at them with the wrath of god.

“If Aaron were anyone else’s son,” she says, “I would’ve had him executed. I’d have him executed right now, if I could. Unfortunately, I alone do not have the authority.”

anyone else’s son.

so yeah the problem here is not that warner is one of the heirs of the RE. the problem here is that he’s anderson’s son.

plus his entire conflict with juliette is rooted in the fact that she

a) tried to hurt warner

unravel me:

I cannot allow him to protect a person who has attempted to kill him.

restore me:

The monster we’ve bred has tried to kill my own son.

b) tried to take warner from him.

restore me:

Worse, she’s become a distraction for Aaron. He’s become—in a toxic turn of events—impossibly drawn to her, with no apparent regard for his own safety. I have no idea what she’s done to his mind.

and then in imagine me he declines warner’s offer.

“You would be willing to sacrifice yourself—your youth and your health and your entire life—to let that damaged, deranged girl continue to walk the earth? Do you even understand what you’re saying? You have every opportunity—all the potential—and you’d be willing to throw it all away? In exchange for what?Do you even know the kind of life to which you’d be sentencing yourself ?”

/i dare you to tell me he didn’t love warner, i dare you/

juliette:

as a cherry on top, there’s juliette, of course.

when we’re talking about hate we’re talking about juliette, no questions asked. i truly believe that his hatred for her was stronger than his love for aurora and evie combined. and still what brings him down for good is not hate for her but adoration of her (oh irony, my irony).

after 12 years of hatred, after 12 years of her being ‘the bane of his existence’, he still ended up spending his dying breath to make sure she will be safe.

“I ordered you to remain silent,” he says, glancing back at her. “And I am now ordering you to remain safe, at all costs. Do you hear me, Juliette? Do y—”

“Kill them,” Anderson gasps, blood staining the edges of his lips. “Kill them all. Kill anyone who stands in your way.”

just like defy-me warner, imagine-me juliette survives ONLY because of anderson.

he even apologized to her at one point.

“You know, I realize now that I’ve been too hard on you. I’ve put you through too much. Tested your loyalty perhaps too much. But you and I have a long history, Juliette. And it’s not easy for me to forgive. I certainly don’t forget.”

anderson??? admitting??? that??? what??? he??? did??? was??? wrong???

and not because he needs to get off the hook, but because he actually feels like it was too much???

ALERT THE MASSES, THE WORLD NEEDS TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!

btw, do my eyes deceive me, or did this ‘not easy to forgive’ mean that he actually already FORGAVE her for trying to kill him?

anyhow if that wasn’t enough look at this:

“What could possibly go wrong?” Anderson asks. “She’s more powerful than any of them, and completely obedient to me. To us. To the movement. You all know as well as I do that she’s proven her loyalty again and again. She’d be able to capture them in a matter of minutes.”

do you see it?

it’s the same thing that happened with evie: no one here is strong enough to hurt her (oh, i can see some PROJECTIONS here happening).

it’s funny how the way Anderson acts is EXACTLY what I expected from Warner. he isn't just talking about how she can do anything, when moment comes he ACTS.

Anderson is guarding Juliette. The same Anderson who’s spent so much of his energy trying to murder her—is now standing in front of her with his arms out, guarding her with his life.

i’d still prefer for her or him to kill ibrahim but even without it... he says you can burn this place to the ground, I don’t care as long as you’re safe, he chooses her over not only the RE, he chooses her over WARNER.

/and you expect me not to ship this??? sure, jen, i’m not gonna/

conclusion number 1: yes, my beautiful people, everything Anderson does in one way or another tied to love.

the second half of his paradox: love doesn’t make him a better person, it doesn’t even make him fully human. you’d think that if person capable of such strong feelings there’s supposed to be something worth saving, just like castle’s said:

“Of course he’s a regular person, son. That’s exactly the point. We’re all just regular people, when you strip us down. There’s nothing to be afraid of when you look at Anderson; he’s just as human as you or me. Just as terrified. And I’m sure if he could go back and do his life over again, he’d make very different decisions.”

(castle is a fucking idiot, never listen to people like him or you’re gonna end up neck-deep in shit)

but at the end of the day anderson remains a fucking monster.

his love for aurora doesn’t stop him from marrying another woman and having a child with her because it’s the easiest way to social climb.

his love and devotion to evie and re (mostly evie, because evie is the reestablishment) doesn’t stop him from playing games with juliette and putting everything and everyone at risk just because he’s bored.

i won’t even start commenting on warner’s situation, because otherwise we’re gonna sit here for days and i’ll end up with 100k words essay about them.

and even his enamourment with juliette doesn’t actually protect her from his violent nature. even this perfect, absolutely perfect juliette still has to prove herself (cut off her finger to show her loyalty). it still very easy for him to hurt her.

conclusion number 2: him being in love, him caring about someone, him trusting someone doesn’t change his fundamental nature. he still remains a destructive force put into a human body.

he’s a fucking satan.

and that’s exactly why i love him.

[eastsidelovers]

“i like you,” revised. again.

“i like you.” i’m convincing myself i do. “i like you. i like you. i like you. can we hold hands? can we cuddle? i’m just joking, haha i’m so funny.” i’m so funny. its clear you see us as nothing more than friends. its clear you see what i doing. we’ve talked about attraction. sexuality. the rest of our lives. i’ve even dropped the big L word, yeah, the big L-O-V-E, i know. a feeling that goes away just as quick as it came on. shit, someday, i’ll probably find myself with a wife and kids, look around, and think, “god, what have i done?” i’ve told the neutral ai robot friend about this. and he remained neutral. i could never do anything about this, but let myself grow up, grow out, grow on.

“i like you,” but it hangs heavy in this god forsaken car. air is dense walls close in my mind goes blank i don’t know how to save this-

“i like you, but,” but? dipshit. “i wouldn’t drive you home if i wasn’t sober.” i really hope its the weed making me feel dumb. i’m sober enough to drive, right?

as he sits in the passenger seat, he almost leans in and i almost put my arms around him, but i follow his eyes to the backseat, he was just grabbing his backpack. i look away as he stands up to get out. he says his goodbyes, starts walking away, but quickly turns and comes back.

“i love you,” he says quickly. “no homo. because it wouldn’t be complete if i didn’t say no homo, right?”

right. cuz we totally needed to clarify that. we’re all just a bunch of mosaics from past lives/friends/lovers. he shuts the door again and walks off for real this time. running up that hill starts playing, and my god, that is just sad. this car knows too much about what my love life has been through. the previous scene feels awfully familiar, the upcoming scene feels awfully similar, but i can change that. i skip the song. if i’m going to drive home at midnight, at least its not something that reminds me of terrible times.

“why do i care?” is the only thing that gets my mind off you when i catch a glimpse of anything that may relate to you at all. i know you’ll never text me but sometimes i hope you do, so i can respond with, “who’s this?” to show you i’m stronger than i was when i was fourteen, but i suppose i’m really not, considering i still write about you. i can turn anything into a conversation about you.

“i don’t feel at all like i thought” i looked again. i told myself i wouldn’t, but i had to unfollow you. i always send myself into a panic attack when i do. shaking, shivering, jaw clenched, disorganized thoughts. we are fucked up pen pals. we always meet at the worst times. we are the perfect ingredients for a beautiful shit storm.

i deleted my three thousand word essay about everything wrong with me, you, and the combination of the two. i am better than that.

writer to writer, poet to poet, i feel like you of all people should understand not everything i write is what it seems.

sorry i didn’t like your friends, i just didn’t like feeling so completely and hopelessly alone in a room full of people. come on up to the third floor of eastman hall. or don’t. i don’t care.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Well, now talking about Harry. I Think The Fandom don't give him enough credit either. yeah, maybe His pov Is nothing Of The Other World, but actually I Think he has layers (less visibles). He's stereotypical? yeah, but for Some reason he resonates with me in The way that I have Fear Of being Someone I don't want to be. Having Fear Of Not controlling your destiny. I Think That's Why he was so antagonistic towards Slytherin, because it reminded him of things he Never would want to be, His Panic when Others tell him “You might be a Good Fit for Slytherin” I can feel it in my soul. Sorry for rambling audb

Harry is so underrated. I can understand why people tend to assume that he has an everyman personality, because the general narration follows his point of view, and Daniel Radcliffe does play into that. He doesn't have nearly as distinctive a personality as say, Katniss Everdeen. But that doesn't mean he's dull. He's the sassiest kid in that entire school. It's not something he develops over time, either, although he does grow as a person for sure. But from the beginning, he was mouthing off to Dudley, and later to Snape. The Boy Who Lived had more quippy remarks in his arsenal than Chandler Bing. We all remember "There's no need to call me sir, Professor." That became legendary. But it's not like that was his only burn. When the Dursleys demanded to know why he was watching the news again? "Well, it changes every day, you see." When Rita Skeeter wanted to have a quick word? "Yeah, you can have a word - goodbye." I appreciate this character more and more as I get older.

But there are so many layers to him as well. It's the kind of stuff that the books don't really talk about directly and so they're easy to gloss over if you're not paying attention. But Harry has a total hero complex. His "saving people" thing, as Hermione calls it. His life experiences lead to him developing a very "life or death" mindset. It never even occurs to him that Gabrielle Delacour won't die just because Fleur didn't save her. That's honestly....pretty sad. What's more, the first four years of his life at Hogwarts consistently teach him to take matters into his own hands. That adults cannot be trusted to solve the problems, and when he, Harry, puts himself in danger to do something about it...well, it usually works. He doesn't like it, but he accepts it. And Dumbledore nurtures it, too. Instead of expelling Harry for going after the Philosopher's Stone, he buys Harry's loyalty by overruling the House Cup standing to let Gryffindor win when they were in fourth place. It isn't until Sirius dies that Harry's hero complex is shattered. Because he tried to save the day and it all went disastrously wrong. Ron and Hermione warned him, they could see the holes that Harry could not. But he was ready, instantly, to fly off to the Ministry. Because it always worked before. They had a routine worked out. And in the wake of realizing that he is just a kid, and can't save the day...he learns about the Prophecy. That saving the day is in fact, his responsibility.

OOTP is just one big wave of depression, systematically crushing Harry's ego to bits. It is no accident, and it is so important, that he witnesses Snape's Worst Memory for the first time. That the pedestal he put James on is completely shattered. God I could write a whole essay about how Harry's parents guide his character, but the main point is that he is emotionally chained to them and is never able to let go of their deaths, until the very end. Harry...has a death wish. I don't say this lightly. But there are clues everywhere. His reaction to the Mirror of Erised is not unlike that of an addict. In POA, he considers just letting the Dementors get close to him so he can hear his parents' voices again. That is not heathy. In OOTP, when Voldemort tries to make Dumbledore kill Harry, Harry himself is all for it, because the pain is just unbearable, and "I'll see Sirius again." In DH, Harry mentions the idea of living with dead people, and it visibly frightens Hermione. Deep down, Harry wanted to die. Because he wanted back the people, and the life he had lost. That is why his Hallow of choice was the Stone. Why it is so important that he decided not to go looking for it at the end. Why his decision to go back, rather than board a train, is the peak of his character arc. He finally lets his parents go. He lets the past go.

But hey, those are just my wild hot takes.

[melissanovels]

♡ Here they are!! Chapters 1 & 2 of TRANSIENT TIME TRAVELLER are out! ♡

○ Read on my Website ○ Read on Tumblr (below) ○ Read on Ao3 ○ 

TTT  is an LGBTQ+ historical fantasy novel about Aida, a time traveller hellbent on proving the innocence of a 1,200-year-old dead queen, and Lorian, an escaped princess-turned-officer who wants to drain the royal blood from their body, & the two coming together with the help of their mischievous future selves.

♡ Reblogs are appreciated! ♡

Read Chapter 1 + 2 Below:

Chapter 1: Six Weeks Before

Aida’s life was forever changed when she received a letter in the mail.

She never got letters. Being adopted into a small family in a smaller farm in Bělico didn’t bless her with birthday gifts or congratulatory mail. She estimated that no one other than her stepmother and her stepsisters knew of her existence, so Aida ghosted through life without much interference.

But she knew this letter, had been anticipating it for weeks since she’d sent in her application under her mother’s nose. It was handwritten on high-quality paper, the feeling new to her, foreign, and was branded with the seal of the Roman lion. She’d dreamt of getting these royal letters in the mail, wishful hope turning into dread come nighttime, but she hadn’t thought she'd receive a reply, let alone a letter of acceptance.

She’d been tending to the farm, or the cows, mainly. The chickens, pigs, sheep, and goats had been taken care of and her stepmother and stepsisters had their two horses out on a carriage ride to the village, so all that was left to handle was their five highland cows. Big, burly creatures more fur than hide. It took Aida more time to heave the heavy bales of hay into their stables, to groom them, wash them, clean out their troughs. She’d hadn’t even heard the post carrier arrive, she’d been on the other side of the property. When she realized her family would be home soon, she hurried to get everything done so her stepmother would be in a better mood.  Well, a less shit one.

There was one piece of mail that day, and it’d been addressed to Aida.

When her mother and sister finally came home and found Aida on the floor, frantically rereading the letter with the envelope torn with her teeth, they must’ve assumed she’d had jumped and was writhing in pain as a result.

She was writhing, but not because she’d travelled backwards in time. Her brain was spinning, eyes watering due to some type of emotion she couldn’t name. After fighting for years, she’d finally earned this damned six-year scholarship to Durante Academy.

Not that wanting to dorm at a school named after King Durante’s lineage was something she was excited about. She detested almost everything the royal family did, and she didn’t even live in Roma. Roma, or Roma City, was 1,500 kilometers away, across the sea and doing far better for itself than her home country of snow-covered farmlands. She should’ve loathed becoming a student in the country with the bloodiest warpath, the worst, most prejudiced ruler, and the shittiest armed forces since the time of gladiators.

But how she’d dreamed of walking through those academic halls, taking in the prestigious lessons in fervor and staying up late to perfect a soon-to-be perfectly marked test. Schools in Bělico, you were expected to drop out of after primary school to work your family’s farms. It made sense for some people. Agriculture was the biggest export for the country, so families expected many hands to tend to the fields.

But that wasn’t Aida’s path. Ever since she’d been adopted, Aida Mirko had set her sights on becoming a historian, and that path was only attainable in the sparkling, problematic country of Roma.

It was only after Aida heard her mother slam the door did she realize her mistake: being indulgent.

“What’re y’all doing?” one of her stepsisters, Ekaterina, asked.

“You tracked in mud,” her other sister, Olga, said. She had her upper lip curled as she looked over where Aida had run in from the fields.

Her mother looked over the mess Aida had made, then at the letter still in her hand.

Then she slapped her across the cheek and sent her glasses across the living room.

She should’ve expected it. How dare her. Here she was, trying to better herself in a world where most people wanted her kind dead, and she’d just been accepted into one of the world’s most prestigious academies known in Roma. It had only a seven percent acceptance rate. To any parent, that would’ve been cause for celebration.

Her mother grabbed Aida by the collar and dragged her upstairs to her room. Her mother and sisters lived downstairs near the warm fireplaces, while Aida had the joy of taking the stairs she struggled with and lived in the cold attic at the top of the steps. She had a fucking cane and a limp, and these people couldn’t care less.

“Mo’mma, wait—”

Her mother slammed the bedroom door behind her. “How dare you?”

Aida fell backwards into her bed.

“You ain’t going,” she decided. “You have obligations here. You work the farm, you care for us. How selfish can you be, leaving all of that to become a damned academic?”

“I want…to be a historian,”  Aida said, trying so hard to carefully explain something she’d wanted for years. With her limp, it was difficult to do any sort of manual labor. She got tired easily, her dizzy spells were becoming more frequent. Her sisters, they weren’t expected to do half the chores she was forced to do, yet she did them. She hated herself, but she did as she was told because it gave her a roof over her head and food on the table and a bed to dream about a life better than this. In the rare hours she had for sleep, she studied and overworked her abilities to prove that a Visatorre deserved to learn, something that’d been barred from her people for centuries.

She didn’t expect praise, or admiration. She couldn’t dream like that. All she wished was for her mother to stop hitting her. She didn’t know why she was selfish asking that. 

Her mother stood tall over her. “You ain’t going.”

Aida fixed her broken glasses over her nose. “I was accepted.”

“I ain’t paying for it.”

“I know that.”

“What do you mean ‘I know that’? You won’t be able to afford it. The journey ’cross the sea alone is ten gold.”

To her mother, it’d seem that way, but Aida had been saving up. For years, she’d been putting away her childhood allowance underneath the broken floorboard next to her bed. After turning fifteen, her mother had stopped paying her for her work. Aida had thought it was because her mother had finally seen her as a daughter more than a servant. Then she found out Ekaterina’s and Olga’s allowance had doubled.

So, she’d taken to writing school papers for the local village kids. Those who were able to write had trouble forming their thoughts in persuasive essays, so Aida wrote them top-grade papers about history, war, massacres of her own people and the rise of these dictatorships she hated, all behind her mother’s back. If her mother had found that out, she would’ve thrown Aida into the village stockades for lying because “Visatorre folk weren’t smart like normal folk.”

“I have the money,” Aida summarized.

“I don’t care if you got a fortune! Y’all ain’t gonna throw away your life and waste it on an academy when you’re needed here.”

“I’ll be gone, isn’t that what you’d want?” she shot back, the fear of speaking back pitching her voice. “I’ll be gone for six whole years, and I swear, whatever money I make—”

“‘Money I make’, she says. What money you gonna make there? You know Roma don’t take well to you folk as well as Bělico people do. You’ll be ridiculed. You’ll be ostracized.”

“So how different would it be from here?” Aida wanted to ask. Circa, how she wished she was brave enough to say that. If she’d been high, that defiance would’ve come out, but it would’ve only resulted in her being hit harder.

Aida lowered her head, feigning a defeat.

Her mother harrumphed and tied up her brown hair in a messy bun. “That’s what I thought. Now.” She held out her hand. Aida flinched. “Give me that letter.”

“No,” Aida said. “Please, just…let me keep it. For memory’s sake.”

Her mother rolled her eyes and wiped her hands on her apron. “Get up and help with the groceries, since you didn’t want to help when we came in. The rest are in the carriage.”

Aida nodded and went for her cane. It was a dark, simple thing made from a tree branch in the woods around them.

Her mother kicked it and knocked it into the wall. The force made it tip and spill Aida’s half-filled drinking glass to the ground.

Aida froze.

“Realize your stance in this house,” her mother warned, “and stop making such foolish decisions behind my back.”

“I will,” Aida said, and waited for her mother to leave down the stairs, where she heard her sisters whispering about what their mother had just told their servant daughter.

She gripped her cane as tightly as she could. The one thing about being in your twenties was that, while you might’ve been afraid of your parents and they’d wrecked your self-confidence and self-worth beyond recognition for more than a decade, if you had the money and the drive to defy the Gods, you could change your future for the better.

After hearing her mother leave, Aida went for her travel bags.

---------------------------

Nights at the Mirko household came early, as they—she—had to get up at four in the morning to take care of the livestock. Feed them, gather the eggs, change the hay, sweep out both barns, weed out the gardens. Aida half-expected her mother to put more energy into their own livelihood instead of working on how to destroy her own daughter’s confidence, but she couldn’t expect much of anything from them anymore.

Aida knew she was smart. She wouldn’t have gotten her scholarship if she hadn’t been. All the years of extra-credit and letter after letter of recommendations had paid off. It didn’t matter what her mother thought of her. She would reclaim her dignity without her.

The night she received her letter, Aida woke up at three and began packing. It’d taken a chunk of her savings to leave now, as she’d planned to leave later towards the school year where travel costs decreased, but she’d manage. She always did. She currently had seventy pieces of gold lyria to her name. It wasn’t much—it barely covered a month’s worth of groceries for her family—but if she used it right, it’d get her a life without them in it.

Because, in all her twenty-three years of living, she knew that “family” could go fuck themselves with how much good they did for her.

She dressed in a black dress fit for the night and braided her hair in her favorite way, down her front in two braids that never seemed even. She was bigger than most girls: both of her sisters’ weights combined. She hoped the school uniforms could accommodate her, and that they weren’t tacky. She needed a self-esteem boost, not a downgrade from what clothes she’d been given.

After packing her non-essentials, she got to work packing the more important items: her journals, thick with cut-outs and pictures from used books she’d pasted into it; her history texts on the once luxurious country of Siina and its murdered queen; the first book in the En Tempore Rose sextet, Pinnacle Isle; and the signed playbooks from the opera-ballet adaptation she’d bartered for in exchange for an eight-page essay.

She’d gone to see the opera once, and by “seen,” she meant she’d snuck away into the theatre for ten minutes during a family trip to Roma City when she was six. It’d been during a trading festival where they earned their summer wealth. She’d snuck into the massive theater constructed within the colosseum and caught the last few minutes of the performance before being discovered.

She’d been beaten so hard that she didn’t remember much of the opera, but she remembered loving it. Those few minutes near the stage that made her heart stop and restart with the love of her favorite stories, both real and imaginary. The ballerinas dressed in snow-white lace, the glitter that danced from the rafters.  It’d sparked her desire to be a ballerina before she found out that Visatorre were neither allowed to be performers on the stage nor were they allowed to even watch a costly opera to begin with. They were a “risk” to those around them if they travelled backwards into time.

At least she had her journals. She had a dozen or so hand-bound journals she’d made herself because God knew her mother wouldn’t have bought them for her. They detailed her favorite moments in history. Nothing of wars or tyrannical, egotistical kings she couldn’t stand learning about. She was interested in the people, the interpersonal relationships between the royal families and their citizens. Their dresses, the food they ate, the ways they lived their menial lives a millennia ago.

And Eve, a magnificent, tolerant queen to a dead city-state that once held 100,000 Visatorre within its peaceful walls. Aida loved her, knew everything about her life from the minute she was born to the day she was executed. Her city-state, Siina, had once been a well-established community within Roma that could’ve rivaled the country in time.

History said Eve had murdered the Roman king’s wife, so in retaliation, he’d killed her, her lineage, and all 100,000 Visatorre of Siina, burying them within the Catacombs underneath Roma City.

Aida knew for a fact that that part of history was wrong. She’d written papers and thesis on Eve for years, and she couldn’t see the dead queen dipping so far as to murder someone she should’ve seen as an ally. She’d been a young, proud, dedicated Visatorre that housed and raised and loved the biggest population of Visatorre the world had ever seen. Yes, she was rash with some of her decision-making, and she might’ve been labeled “eccentric” in today’s terms, but to murder someone so powerful for no reason, it didn’t add up. It didn’t make sense.

So, Aida was bent on becoming a historian, to rewrite the history books with the truth rather than the propagated schlock crammed down their throats.

After zipping up her final bag, she readied her three-kilometer-long walk to the village. It was mostly leveled terrain, but still, it always burdened her legs. One bad jump six years ago had fucked up her hips, or her back, or her spine, or all three, given her exceptionally bad luck. No doctor had a concrete reason as to why Visatorre were injured when they jumped into the past, they only knew the farther back you went, the worse you came back. Some Visatorre who’d jump 100, 200 years back would come back burning from the inside or with missing limbs, screaming in pain until they needed to take something to their skull to mask the pain. Aida, with all that was stacked up against her, always considered herself lucky that she only needed a cane to get around.

She closed the garden gates slowly, taking the back entrance so she didn’t wake the easily spooked ducks. No more farmlands, no more chores done by six and being hit behind closed doors. Despite years of fucking up, making her think she was useless, too slow, too stupid to be anything more than a servant in her own home, Aida was to mentally burn this place to the ground with her accomplishments.

Or physically, if she became so bold and dire for actual jail time.

She paused at the start of the cow field, eyes darting left and right. While she wouldn’t burn down the farm—she couldn’t hurt the animals—she could do something else. Something more.

She crept into the chicken coop and burgled twenty-four of the largest eggs, enough to keep her fed for a few days, and another six for the carriage. Not hers, but her mother’s, or the one she’d already promised for Olga when she eventually married. Keeping her movements quiet, Aida smashed her extra eggs into the seats and dug the yolk deep into the hides. Then she took charcoal she always kept in her dress pockets and ruined one side of the barn in graffiti. She dumped the milk she’d gotten for that day, she let the chickens loose from the coop. Dumped the drinking water over the hay, overturned the trough. Everything she could do to make her family’s life horrible, but not enough to send an officer after her.

If they connected it to a Visatorre’s doing, she might’ve had one on her tail. Luckily, she wasn’t planning on ever coming back.

She paced herself as she made her way into the village. Idti, a racist outcropping of 500 farmers who’d sell their own daughters for a lick of gold. She kept a knife in her pocket when walking down the dirt roads, waiting to hear someone run up behind her and rob her. Luckily, the carriage house she was planning on using was close to the main road. Beyond the village stretched out a long path to the sea. She could almost smell the cold, salty air.

One driver was smoking near his carriage and reading the paper with his boots kicked up. As Aida neared with lantern and cane in hand, he gave her a look. He made no attempt to hide his ogling at her Visatorre marking: a white circle engraved in the middle of her forehead. Every Visatorre obtained one the first time they travelled, but that didn’t stop non-Visatorre from staring like she had three legs.

“I need a ride to the harbor,” Aida said, keeping her face devoid of emotion.

“Now?” the driver asked.

“Not yesterday,” she said, and gave him three of her gold lyria coins. “The quicker, the better.”

At the sight of priceless gold, the driver instantly folded his paper and sat up. “You’re the Visatorre girl who works up at that farm, ain’t you?”

“Aye.” She took out one of her own cigarettes and had him light it for her. She needed one after this week, and her mother hated the smell in the house. “Let’s say I got fired.”

“Didn’t you live there?”

“Didn’t you need to bring me to the harbor?”

The man clicked his tongue and helped her with her bags.

She took one long inhale as she surveyed the land. The morning birds had yet to begin their songs, and the lack of light let the Moon and stars shine over the country, painting it a deep blue.

“Did you hear the news?” the driver asked, making unneeded small talk. “The princess of Roma, Lucia, she just went missing. Paper’s sayin’ she vanished from her own wedding. Say she got kidnapped or something.”

“Wouldn’t be a change from what we see,” Aida said. While the royal family now was in charge of what she did, she didn’t care for them nearly as much as she cared for the dead ones. The dead ones had more of a history to them that always intrigued her. Plus, she never saw the two twin princesses. One had been married off to the shitstain of Bělico’s King Dmitri as a kid, the other barely left the palace. What was the difference if she went missing?

“Do you think they’ll find her?” asked the driver.

In the distance, Aida saw the faint outline of her home. Her mother’s home—it had never belonged to her. Her mother had tried to be a good mother when she’d first adopted Aida, but the years had tainted her into a villain Aida couldn’t wait to see get their comeuppance.

She gave her home the finger and hopped into the carriage. “Who cares about some dumb princess?”

----------------------------------

Chapter 2: Six Weeks Before, Continued

Lorian had dreamed about escaping her bedroom through the window. She never thought it would be her last-ditch effort to save her life.

She wasn’t in life-threatening danger. She wasn’t going to die if she stayed the night. Acted proper. Went back downstairs and apologized to her wedding guests, and let Prince Zaahir take her hand like she’d been proclaimed to do since she was six.

That wouldn’t kill her per se, but if it came to that, she’d kill herself. No remorse, no second thoughts. She’d warned her parents that if they followed through with the marriage, it would’ve been the final straw out of the many that they’d already broken for her.

Well, her father had. Everyone knew that despite being the reigning queen, it was Lorian’s father who controlled the country.

That night, after tearing up the wedding dress and ruining every last piece of notable art she had left in her bedroom, Lorian had collapsed into her bed and sobbed so hard, she’d thrown up. Out of everything her parents forced her through, this marriage was the one constant. Let her ruin her dresses, let her throw her infamous temper tantrums hidden from the country. But this marriage, just like her sister’s, would happen. Alliances needed to be formed between the three major countries of the world to keep war at bay, and it’d happen whether she liked it or not. Country before individual. Alliances before children.

The only way out was death.

She’d contemplated it, then kicked herself and fought for another way out. She couldn’t end it here. She had to show her parents that she did have aspirations, just ones outside of royal duties.

The giant clock just outside of Lorian’s room chimed for eleven. Per Roman customs, the wedding kiss would occur at the stroke of midnight, and so far, Lorian hadn’t let any of her maids or officers near her. Not even her own family had come into her room, though they’d tried.

First, her mother, whose frail knocks almost made her heart break. Then her twin sister, Beatrice, born only twelve minutes earlier and thus married off first to a man older than their father. Her methodical, emotionless explanation as to why this needed to marry Zaahir made Lorian break a vase to get her to stop talking.

Carmine was the last person to come. He was the queen’s right-hand man—a Constable, the highest rank given to officers—and childhood friend of the queen. He was the most sympathetic about Lorian’s plight, she’d give him that, but he, like the rest of them, told her to come downstairs and finish what was destined for her. He used to be better, back when he was more a family friend who wasn’t weighed down my medals of honor, but those days were gone, as was Carmine’s carefree nature. It’d been replaced with duties that outweighed Lorian’s happiness.

Her father didn’t come up to check on her.

But she didn’t need any more of his anger tonight. Nobody could talk her into this. She had her mind set, and it was anywhere else but this godforsaken palace.

The only one she’d let come near was Missus Sharma. She’d been Lorian’s and Beatrice’s nursemaid since they were in the womb. She’d taught Lorian mathematics, both the piano and violin, and had guided Lorian through speech therapy to get rid of her lisp yet failed. She also knew almost all of Lorian’s secrets, all of her hidden passions without the threads of marriage and princesshood dragging her down.

Lorian had told her, last year, that she didn’t want to be a princess any longer.

“I know your frustrations, Your Highness,” she’d said, this sixty-year-old maid who deserved so much more than what Lorian gave her.

She didn’t know, however, so when Lorian explained more, that she didn’t want to be a princess, or Lucia, or only a woman but something more, something different, that’d puzzled her. Her generation still lived in the mindset that’d fizzled out during this ruling—people could be who they wanted to be, whether they were a boy, girl, neither, or something in-between.

Those rights weren’t given to royal heirs, especially when it involved the procreation of royal children.

Lorian held her stomach as she thought of a way out of this. Even though she was still figuring out her identity, she was sure as fuck not marrying Zaahir for the sole purpose of bearing children. That thought was so far out of her comfort zone, it was off her radar.

Frustrated by her dwindling time limit, Lorian groaned, took the last of her pillows she hadn’t torn, and threw it against her writing desk. It scattered the letters she’d tried to write to her parents only for her to rip them up because, while his mother might hear her out, her father wouldn’t listen. He never did.

A letter fell to her ornate rug. It was hidden behind one of her jewelry boxes and slipped out when the box fell. It didn’t have a name on it, but it’d been stamped with her family’s seal.

Curious, Lorian picked it up.

Out the window & down to the forest.

Good luck.

She flipped over the note to read the rest, but that was it. It wasn’t even signed, meaning the person didn’t want to be traced back. She examined the handwriting, but that didn’t click either. It looked like the person, whoever had written it, had concealed their own personhood to make the letter untraceable.

She looked back at her door. It was locked, as well as barricaded with her wardrobe. Nobody was coming in any time soon.

She crept towards the window that faced the outer walls. In the past, they were meant to keep enemies out, like the fallen city-state of Siina. It’d once been a wealthy state where most of the Visatorre population lived some 1,200 years back. Tensions back then had been high, she was taught. Visatorre were seen as part-God, part-monster, these people who could travel, or “jump,” back in time for hours to witness a single moment in history. Stories had been created around them, painting them as the voyeuristic, nosy ghosts that deserved all the pain their jumps caused them.

Her father despised time travellers for their unpredictable powers, but he never brought it up to the public. They were a reminder of a bloody history most Romans wanted to forget, but Lorian hadn’t forgotten. She knew that the queen of Siina had murdered the Roman king due to some type of disagreement, and as punishment, she, her lineage, and all 100,000 Siinans had been brutally slaughtered in an unfair and unjust bloodbath.

Lorian grit her teeth. She hated it. She’d hated it ever since it was taught to her by her scholars and meant to sound like a victory. It wasn’t. It was the royal family’s insatiable bloodlust, and it was all the more reason why she wanted nothing more to do with the crown trying to be placed over her head.

The orchestra music from her own wedding ceremony echoed from outside. Six hundred people had been invited and were likely all dining and eating and placing bets as to whether or not Lorian would come down by midnight.

So it was odd that out of all of these guests and bustling maids and officers in the palace tonight, nobody saw Lorian’s horse, Ether, nibbling on the flowers next to the palace walls. She was bridled and had on her saddle, but it wasn’t the official, royally-sanctioned one with all the gold and rubies stitched into it, it was Lorian’s personal riding one that was worn and made of coarse leather.

And attached to Lorian’s windowsill, weighted down so as not to blow in the summer night air, was a silk bedsheet tied into other bedsheets: a less than perfect escape ladder.

Lorian pressed her lips together. Who’d set this up for her? She’d dreamed of this day for years, and it only became more real that week.

She touched the start of the makeshift ladder. It’d been tied several times behind her window and secured behind the jewelry box. Not even Missus’ Sharma would’ve seen anything awry.

Lorian turned so quickly on her heel, she tripped on the rug given to her by her mother’s mother. She pulled out the drawers of her second wardrobe not currently holding back the only door to the room and packed what she considered to be her real clothes. No dresses, nothing that was too uncomfortable to wear. She did pack her corsets to bind her chest and hide her hips. She didn’t hate her body; her boobs were fun to play with when she was in the bath or getting ready for bed. They just meant too much to her past self, and she didn’t want to remember that.

She would no longer be Lucia Maria Carolus Durante di Romano, future princess to the country of Roma and Aldaí.

She would be Lorian. Lorian…

Something. If she was going to run away, she’d have to change her surname, but she’d only landed on “Lorian” when she was a child, a nonsense name that meshed her name with Carmine’s father’s name. That was back when she respected him.

Despite living here all her life, she had nothing of real importance. Clothing she felt comfortable in, 350 pieces of gold lyria she kept in case she ever decided to really run away, utensils—she ate quite a lot in her room. She grabbed documents with her father’s and Carmine’s signatures in case she needed to forge them for her new life, and she kept her signet ring and skeleton key because she was sentimental like that. She had her dagger because her rapiers would be too long and too distracting on the run. She wouldn’t need a map because she knew the whole layout of the kingdom by heart. As for her underwear…

She looked at the dagger in her hand, then at herself in the mirror. The blond hair she’d tied up in a ponytail to get it out of her face still curled to the middle of her back. She liked her hair; it was a staple for Roman women to keep it long. Her mother’s must’ve been worth something for how beautiful it was, reaching her thighs in elegant waves, and her sister’s must’ve taken hours to prepare every day with all the braids and swoops she kept it in.

Lorian gripped the handle of her blade. She didn’t think it over because she knew she’d regret it. Nobody in the kingdom could know she was Lucia. If she were to live as Lorian, Lucia needed to die.

Her locks fell around her in spirals. Her head instantly felt lighter than it had in years, but she knew it didn’t look right. One part was uneven, the next cut too close to her scalp. She didn’t touch her bangs, as Missus Sharma had just styled them the day before, and when she was done, she didn’t look back in the mirror. She retied it into a small ponytail. Her neck felt cold yet free, another chain broken.

Someone knocked on her door.

She nestled her knife against her thigh.

“Your Highness, are you alright?”

The voice, so sweet and motherly, Lorian knew it better than her own mother’s.

“Yes, Missus Sharma,” she called out, and slowly opened her window all the way. Her curtains fluttered. It kissed her cheeks, her newly uncovered neck.

“I don’t want you to feel alone right now. I know this’s terrifying for you, and unfair. Oh, sweetheart, I know. Can you talk to me? Have you eaten?”

Lorian lifted one leg over the windowsill. She’d once climbed out of this window as a child to the giant clock tower above. When they’d found her, her father had slashed her palms. It seemed so much easier as a thirteen-year-old. “I have, and I’m alright now.” She dared a peek down the four stories and closed her eyes. It wasn’t high up. It wasn’t that high. “I’ll be okay.”

“Do you need anything from me right now?”

She swung the rest of her body out of the window. Vertigo hit her like a crashing wave. She wrapped both arms around the blanket and gave a firm tug. “No. You’ve done enough for me this week, and I do appreciate all that you’ve done.” She put more of her weight on the bedsheet ladder, then more. “G-go tell my mother and father that…I’m contemplating coming down soon.”

“Oh, you are?” Missus Sharma asked. “How wonderful! Let me bring them up.”

“I-I’ll just need a minute,” she called out, hoping her voice wouldn’t travel. “Do give me that, okay, Missus Sharma?”

“Of course, Your Highness. Oh, their Majesties will be so thrilled.”

“I’ll bet,” Lorian muttered under her breath, and looked down. What was four stories, really, other than a two-second drop to your crushing, painful death?

She bit her lower lip, said a prayer to any God that would hear her, and let gravity take her down.

Her boot snagged on a jutting brick  and, while it might’ve been a two-second controlled fall, it felt longer. She anticipated hitting the ground but didn’t expect to feel the dizziness that accompanied her once she hit the earth. Her feet gave out from underneath her and she rolled over like a turtle. Ether looked down at her, chuffing.

Lorian stayed on the ground, fingers curling into the cold grass. She counted the eerie seconds of silence. Someone always noticed when she acted out. She’d be caught, subdued, reformed into what her father wanted.

Nobody came. Missus Sharma didn’t run to her bedroom window and call out for her. No patrolling officer asked what she was doing.

She breathed in a gulp of fresh air, then slowly lifted herself up with her horse. She pulled on her reins and waited. She climbed onto Ether’s back and waited.

Nobody was coming.

Nobody knew she was here.

Lucia had been killed, and Lorian had taken her first step.

She blinked back the tears. She didn’t know what had brought them on. Her cutting her hair, her knowing that this one decision might strip her away from everyone she loved for months, years. If this worked, if she really pulled everything off, she might never see them again. Beatrice, Carmine, her mother, Missus Sharma, the maids and officers who treated her far better than she deserved, her father…

She violently turned her head away and broke Ether into a gallop. She tore through the gardens, through the first gate. A lone officer on duty hadn’t been expecting anyone to pass through here and certainly wasn’t prepared to stop a galloping mare running past him. He also probably hadn’t been expecting Lorian to be crying.

She knew she hadn’t. Isn’t this what she’d wanted? To be free from a marriage to a man she’d met three, possibly four times in her life? To be free from her father’s expectations of being a subservient princess and to finally do what she wanted to do?

She ran her horse as fast as she could into the Roman night. Tonight, she was Lorian. And tonight, she was unshackled.

[c0rpsedemon]

i am curious, as someone who’s only exposure to arthurania was reading jane yolen’s young merlin as a child, would you mind saying why hnoc is a bad adaptation? i’m super curious but no worries if not <3

this has been sitting in my inbox for months bc i kept telling myself i needed to write a full essay with proof from medieval lit to make myself feel smarter.  however, since i’ve recently lost all credibility bc i can’t articulate points to save my life, and since i’ve realized that i could answer this in a just a couple paragraphs, now seems like the right time to answer this ask. sorry for the wait.

under a cut bc length

also warnings for mentions of racism bc this is hnoc we're talking abt and sexual assault bc this is med lit we're also talking abt

the basic problems are pendragon polycule itself, the story beats of the album, the fridging and lack of characterization of morgan le fay, the clear influence of pop culture arthuriana, and whatever the fuck happened with gawain/e.

pendragon polycule is... just not a good take.  there’s a bit in the lancelot-grail abt arthur viewing lancelot like a son (and lancelot not giving a shit abt him).  also arthur knew his parents for years before lancelot was even born.  plus lancelot just Doesn’t care abt him and i can’t stress this part enough.  arthur repeatedly tries to have guinnevere killed, mostly in the lancelot-grail, and guinn didn’t really have any say in marrying him bc she was a teenager.  lancelot and guinnevere is a lot better but that’s not saying much.  guinn doesn’t exactly treat lancelot too well... like at all, BUT it’s not intrinsic to their relationship and is completely caused by medieval misogyny and i’m all in favor of modern retellings saying fuck that.  but also lancelot has multiple pseudo-canon boyfriends (this is med lit after all), and one pseudo-canon husband so like... there were better options.  (also lancelot’s husband is basically in a lavender marriage with guinnevere’s maybe girlfriend who most authors just eventually forget abt as the story progresses).

this next one is a problem with a lot of modern arthurian works bc the inclusion of elayne of astolat is too much to ask apparently.  the grail quest isn’t tied to the fall of camelot, it just happens to be one of the last grand adventures the knights of the round table have.  the event that traditionally sets off the fall is the death of the maiden of astolat/the lady of shalott/elayne of escolat/she has a lot of names, her story has a few variations but usually she either is cursed to stay in a tower and weave and only be able to see the outside world through a mirror positioned across from her window, until lancelot rides by and she rushes to see him out of the actual window and her mirror shatters, setting off her death, or she lives with her father and brothers and takes care of lancelot bc he was injured for a time and she gets to go on adventures to find him and she’s friends with gawaine and she dies bc lancelot rejects her and this version’s a lot more fun but also more happens which makes it harder to explain.  the way her story ends however, is that she dies after she makes arrangements for a glorious boat to drift from astolat to camelot carrying nothing but her dead body and a letter explaining that she died of love for lancelot du lac and the court mourns the death of such a beautiful and young maiden (her age varies a lot but i’ve always read her as a young teenager at most).  but the important thing is, camelot is doomed from the moment she washes up on its shore bc she’s an omen of the end and has symbolic meaning and all that, the maiden of astolat washes up on camelot’s shores, the court mourns the loss of a maiden in her prime and she marks the end of camelot’s prime as well, morgan le fay reappears after being presumed dead and warns arthur of guinnevere and lancelot’s affair, aggravaine and modred conspire to bring lancelot and guinnevere’s affair to light, they succeed but lancelot escapes, guinnevere is to be burnt at the stake and lancelot rescues her, killing aggravaine, gaheris and gareth (gawaine’s brothers) in the process, gawaine drags his uncle and camelot to war bc he was driven mad due to the loss of his brothers, lancelot accidentally kills gawaine, his best friend and maybe boyfriend (i have RECEIPTS), and gawaine forgives him on his detahbed while lancelot and guinn rejoin arthur, meanwhile modred, who practically had the throne handed to him, usurps and invites the saxons in, camlann happens, and camelot is destroyed.  no where in there is the grail quest.

morgan le fay is honestly the most questionable part of the album bc there’s not a single text where she dies.  like....  at least with eurydice in udad she died in the original... there’s no basis for morgan dying.  also she is NOT modred’s mother and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar, she interacts with him once in the vulgate bc she had three of her nephews over and that’s IT.  it’s a horrible take which originated in the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley who is an honest to god monster for reasons i don’t want to trigger tag this post for.  also she’s one of the most dynamic and thought-out characters in the entire canon and they just made her a watered down morgause (modred’s actual mother, morgan’s sister, canonical milf)... there was no reason for it to be her apart from the fact that she’s more well known......

pop culture arthuriana is,,, one of my least favorite things.  no, morgan wasn’t modred’s mother, no, morgause wasn’t abusive but her husband sure was implied to be, no, aggravaine didn’t kill his mother, that was gaheris, he loved his mother, you’re only saying that bc he has a reputation as the “evil” orkney, no, the once and future king is not a good descriptor for arthur, stop making me read it, no, morgause wasn’t the one to initiate the thing with arthur resulting in modred, no, lancelot and arthur weren’t friends, no, tristan wasn’t a self-centered asshole, tennyson is a fucking liar, no, galahad didn’t have sex or want to, he’s one of the first ever explicitly asexual characters out there, no, galahad’s conception was NOT consensual, lancelot was tricked, and no, elayne of astolat wasn’t galahad’s mother, she’s implied to be younger than him.  those are just the big glaring ones, but i swear it’s bc of arthuriana’s reputation as a mythology and the connotations belonging to that word (no one true canon (which is true but there are still things that just AREN’T canon, not completely written down, passed by oral tradition) that causes ppl to see mediocre modern texts and go “oh. well this is abt as close to the original as i’m going to get” and don’t bother to look into so much as malory (who i only name bc he’s one of the most well known medieval authors with the most commonly used storylines, don’t read malory kids, he’s a mediocre-at-best writer even by medieval standards).  the big perpetrators of modern arthurian tropes are the books the once and future king by th wh*te, who is a shitty person and lets it bleed into his writing (which isn’t like... nice to read or anything, seriously why do ppl love this book so much it doesn’t have redeeming qualities), and the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley (it’s poorly written, the story is a mess, and mzb is honestly a monster and one google search will tell you that), and unfortunately the writings of tennyson, which are mostly good but he clearly didn’t read the povest (a later text that’s also my favorite, known for significantly improving ppl’s opinions on tristan, isolde and co.) before deciding he hated both tristan and isolde and he has HORRIBLE takes on them.  high noon over camelot is SEEPED in pop culture arthuriana and i think it would have been so much better if the band had read so much as a SUMMARY of the events of le morte.  it’s evident in the song “the once and future king” bc it’s,,,, literally named after one of the worst books in existence.  it’s shown in the morgan le fay thing, and it’s shown in the pendragon polycule thing.  and hell, i think you can even explain away the lack of elayne of astolat with pop culture arthuriana, bc ppl have had bad takes on her ever since th wh*te combined her character with that of ela*ne of corbenic, and the band probably went “huh, let’s write lancelot’s abuser out of this” and they would’ve been right to do so if that’s who elayne of astolat was.

the final big issue is gawaine, the closest thing the genre has to a protagonist, he’s pretty much canon bi and, in some texts, arospec, he’s a dashing knight of great reknown and he derails every romance to steal hearts, commit murder, and make out with every knight and lady mentioned.  and in hnoc he’s... racist.  that’s it.  it’s,,, almost completely unfounded by the arthurian canon and shows a major misunderstanding of his motivations (like i said earlier, he wants to avenge his brothers bc there’s a reoccuring motif of how much the orkneys value family).  i say almost bc in one text it’s his motivations for killing palomydes but i’ve never heard it mentioned by name bc that’s just what it’s known for.  most arthuriana fans just look away from it except when critiquing hnoc but that one text is an outlier, shouldn’t be counted, and i highly doubt the mechs made hnoc gawain how he is bc they found this text.  it’s just a bad text.

hnoc has,,, quite a few more minor issues, such as villainized ladies of the lake (their ONLY crimes were sealing away merlin bc he tried to assault teenage nimue/ninniane (proto-nimue/vivianne from the vulgate), and that one time vivviane/ninniane kidnapped adopted baby lancelot), assigning brain to merlin (y’know,,, the predator who helped arrange the [redacted] of arthur’s mother and tried to assault a teenager,,,) although merlin is portrayed in a positive light throughout modern arthuriana so i don’t think they knew, giving a song to pellinore, who my perception of has been forever altered bc i was introduced to him through malory and the explanation of torre’s conception, which you can just look up “sir torre arthurian” to find out abt if you can’t just Guess, if they wanted a song abt the questing beast palomydes was Right There AND has been associated with the questing beast for longer, but once again i don’t think they knew.

also namedropping a bunch of knights in the fiction is... it Suggests a bigger world full of all these other stories but they just don’t work bc the world of hnoc wasn’t designed in a way where the appearance of half these characters would make sense.  like,, tristan is referenced as dying in the grail quest in the same sentence as bedevere (one of the characters who is known for almost always surviving), but tristan Isn’t one of the knights who dies on the grail quest, his possible deaths (ignoring the potentially happy ending of the povest for a second) are either being murdered by his uncle, king mark (bc mark married tristan’s gf to try and get tristan killed and also to spite him), bc he was driven into a fury bc of tristan and isolde’s affair, or he’s injured and only isolde (the best healer in the world) can save him so he sends for her and if the ship he sent for her is supposed to fly white sails if she’s there, or black sails if she’s not, and the ship flies white sails but his wife (also named isolde) says it’s black sails (the why depends but usually comes down to jealousy), and so he gives up bc he thinks all hope is lost and usually succumbs to his injuries, either way isolde dies of a broken heart over his body.  there’s no way for the tristan and isolde story to play out like it’s supposed to in the world of hnoc, just as there’s no way for any story with gawaine (and Oh Boy are there a lot of stories with gawaine) or pretty much anyone else, without severely altering the canon.

of course, there are still parts of hnoc i like a lot, most of the music i adore and i just like the idea of space cowboys and the secret good hnoc that lives in my head.  and it has one of my favorite characterizations of galahad, even though galahad hnoc is nothing like galahad arthuriana.  it’s not GOOD but i like it and it’s fun to turn my brain off too, and i’ll always value it as my introduction to arthuriana.

also there are modern arthurian tropes i do like such as characters being genre-savvy/knowing they’re fictional/knowing they’ve done this before (which hnoc does wonderfully!) and bedevere-as-the-storyteller (everyone say thank you lord tennyson).

WOW that was longer than expected, i feel very passionately abt this, when i was planning to write a fully sourced essay i meant to include a bit at the bottom with recommendations to get into better arthuriana and i think i’ll keep that in this post.

if you like hnoc for the arthurian music i’d like to suggest heather dale’s arthurian music to you, she does occasionally fall into the trap of modern arthuriana (some parts of lancelot and arthur being close, morgan as modred’s mother), sometimes she’s just wrong (galahad at lancelot’s trial, a lot of tristan and isolde), and her stuff is kinda straightwashed sometimes (sir gawain and the green knight, for example) but i’d be lying if it wasn’t catchy, and it’s not quite as bad as hnoc adaptation-wise.  culwch and olwen is pretty accurate (albeit abridged bc culwch and olwen has SO many tangents), as is lily maid (it’s abt elayne of astolat!).

if you liked hnoc for king arthur... in space! then may i recommend to you my own fanfic? it's not posted yet but the second i finish writing the first chapter i'm going to make a Big Deal out of it that'll be impossible to miss!

if you want to learn abt arthuriana through tumblr-osmosis like i did at first, i’d like to recommend the love of my life @acegalahads, first and foremost (it’s me on a sideblog i’m just obsessed with myself), and i can’t recommend my arthuriana mutuals over there, @/gringolet, @/merlinenthusiast, @/jcbookworm, @/elayneofshalott, and @/elaineofascolat (the elayne urls have been popular recently), also i know for a fact that my mutual-in-law, @/itonje makes great arthuriana posts that i look forwards to whenever i open the tag.

here are a few good reference posts, a quick guide to the characters, a guide to characters of color, and a much more comprehensive intro to arthuriana post with even more texts linked to it.

if you want to ease into med lit, i’d like to introduce you to pre-raphaelite poetry, alfred lord tennyson and william morris are my favorites, although tennyson can’t be trusted with tristan and isolde.  the poem the lady of shalott is basically a rite of passage for arthuriana fans, although when it comes to tennyson’s writings abt elayne of astolat, i prefer lancelot and elaine, which is part of his much larger story, idylls of the king.  for morris, don’t trust what he says abt aggravaine killing his mother, but my favorites of his are sir galahad, a christmas mystery, which sounds like a shitty disney sequel, and palomyde’s quest, which i blame for my love of palomydes (that and the one bit of the povest where he asks tristan to be his greatest enemy and that he wants nothing more, gay ppl,,,,).

if you want to read abt lancelot and his husband, there’s the lancelot-grail cycle, which i believe was taken off of archive dot org and i think i found it on @/tobeisexhausting’s blog but don’t quote me on that.

the povest, which was a religious experience for me and i can’t reccomend enough if you want to like tristan and isolde, is here, i don’t know who scanned it but i think i found it on @/lanzelet’s blog

the dutch texts are just good in general, here’s a link to their section of a(n unfinished) site for hosting various texts by my former mutual @/reynier (who’s no longer on tumblr).  i’d like to recommend lancelot and the white hart specifically bc it’s mainly just just gawaine being gay for lancelot.

if you want older works, here’s my scan of the history of the kings of britain, and here’s culwch and olwen and pa gur.

oh wow this is even longer than i thought it would be so i’m going to wrap this up by saying that i always love to talk abt arthuriana more than anything if you have any questions or just are curious!

[wearenotasfarwest]

hey Katie! hope this isn’t too much of a bother but if you feel like answering - how did the LA Tigers characterizations most differ from the off-broadway portrayals? I know pretty much nothing about the earlier productions and wondered how certain facets of the characters changed/evolved (and I hope you’re doing well!!)

Hi, nonny! Sorry for the late response, I really wanted time to sit with the question until I felt confident that I was answering it in the most honest way I could. So let’s jump into it!

1. RIley

Callandra Olivia seemed more aware of everything than Lauren Zakrin. Like when Annleigh says “He came to propose!”, she still had the “Congratulations!”, and she started it almost as enthusiastically as Lauren, but midway through trailed off when she remembered Clark’s dead. It also felt a lot less pre-meditated. I continue to hold that she came up with the idea during Before the Breakdown to kill them, because you could just see it in her eyes. Also, Callandra was lovely and kind and passionate and... never got all of the words right. For example, in Wallflower one night she said “The type of high school girl who is rarely seen at parties with her pants off”. Also, she didn’t have a knife in the breakdown. 

2. Cairo

Wonu is wonderful, but Jade really seemed like she just... cared more? Which is interesting, because the script had more Cairo quips, but she just seemed to care more about the other girls. What comes to mind is the “God, I have done nothing with my life!” “You won a lot of dressage medals!” “I did!”. The way that line was delivered was very comforting. In my memory, Cairo even has an arm around Annleigh as she delivers it, and it wasn’t snarky at all. Cairo didn’t become the captain in LA, but it would have made so much sense with her characterization if she had. In LA, Annleigh also brought her the phone and she made the call to the police herself, which I really liked because it showed her stepping up and actively playing a part in getting things right.

3. Kate

Kate was not queercoded in LA. She wasn’t explicitly straight, but the idea that was in love with Chess didn’t even cross my mind until I saw Jenny in the role. I don’t have any specific examples of this, it just seemed less like she didn’t want Chess to leave because she was in love with her and more that she didn’t want her to leave because she had spent so long as her best friend that she didn’t know how to be herself without her.

4. Annleigh

Rachel King took things much more seriously than Kaitlyn Frank. The gesture of good will never killed anyone line was added into the workshop, so after LA but before Off-Broadway, which Rachel swooped in to save the day in, and where Kaitlyn is just so bright and sunny and whatnot, that is not the case with Rachel. Rachel said it with a completely straight face, and slowly nodded while she said ‘Jesus’, like she just really seemed to take her beliefs a lot more seriously than Kaitlyn.

5. Reese

The word that comes to mind for Gabi’s Reese is exhausted. Like, in Worst Team Ever, when Cairo stops her from entering, the line “I’m part of the team” wasn’t said with her head held high and drawing on some source of inner strength, or at least pretending to, it was more of a “We’re still going over this?”, like she actually said “C’mon, I’m part of the team.” Like she still desperately wanted to belong and fit in, but she had long since given up hope that she ever would. But also her Captain of the Team was just 10/10 god tier.

6. Eva

Eva did not make an appearance in act one of LA, which gave her a lot more distance from the events. She wasn’t a suspect, more just a bystander, which made her just 100% done with all of this nonsense. There were two lines that I felt describe this best that were cut- after Riley said “Do you really think I couldn’t replace you all with another ‘diversity scholarship’ in two seconds?” she interrupted to be like “I’m maaaaaybe a quarter Puerto Rican?” and after she plays back the confession, she was asked how long she was recording and she said “This whole time. Y’all are crazy.”

7. Chess

I actually was lucky enough to see two Chesses, Cait Fairbanks and swing Katie DeShan, and they had very different takes. Cait’s was closer to Celeste, but Katie. Oh, Katie. I could write an essay on Katie’s Chess. In all the different productions and casts I’ve seen, Katie isn’t just my favorite Chess, she’s my favorite performer from the show. She played Chess as very playful, and she smiled a lot... until Before the Breakdown, which was made so, so much sadder by the way her facade broke apart and you saw how truly deeply miserable she was and how she felt like there was nothing she could control. I had already seen the show twice by the time I saw her, and she just broken my heart so, so much even though you’d think I would be worn out because it was the third time I was seeing it in as many days,

8. Farrah

I was also lucky enough to see a second Farrah, but her characterization didn’t differ much so we don’t need to focus in one that. But up above, where I said Cairo was a lot more empathetic? Farrah was way less. I think the biggest thing for her was that the failed stunt didn’t exist, so there was no explanation for why she felt like the team wasn’t supporting her or that she would always be linked to what she already was and would never be anything better. Also, Cairo’s line Off-Broadway of “Is [Farrah] raiding Riley’s parents’ liquor cabinet again?” would actually have been based in truth if the line was there in LA because that was exactly what she was doing, she had found the alcohol in the house and was sitting on the kitchen floor, drinking it straight from the bottle.

9 & 10. Clark and Mattie

Did technically exist and that’s about all I can tell you about them because there wasn’t anything they did that stood out enough to stay with me still.

[maastrash]

"Just pretend to be my date "for nessian please and what did you mean by the fluff before the storm?Are you planning on breaking my heart?

The Truth Is ...

HEHE this got longer than expected! and omg dw I’ll only break it for a lil ;) Shoutout to my bff @verryberriess for helping me with this ily

Masterlist // Submit a prompt // Prompts 1 + 2 - pls write the prompt out it helps me out greatly!

Today was not Cassian’s day. All he had wanted was his favorite Starbucks cold brew so he could have the energy to study for his calculus midterm tomorrow. Math was his absolute worst subject. He could write an A worthy essay in less than an hour, but when it came to numbers he was absolutely clueless. He wanted to be in and out to give himself as much study time as possible. The gods knew he needed it, but that didn’t seem like a possibility anymore. It was just his luck that he would run into the one person he’d been trying to avoid all day - Daisy Anderson. She had been talking his ear off for the past 15 minutes, despite him saying that he had somewhere to be. She was a member of the most popular sorority at university, Alpha Phi, and had been pretty much obsessed with Cassian for the past week. He had met her at his frat party and it was clear she wanted him to ask her to be his date to the spring formal. Alpha Phi and his frat Sigma Chi were always paired for events so he was doing his best to turn her down easy. He really didn’t need awkward encounters with her at every greek life gathering. 

After another 5 minutes passed Cassian seriously didn’t know if she truly wasn’t getting the hint that he wasn’t interested or if she just didn’t care. He gave the minimum responses necessary, avoided eye contact, and kept trying to leave, unsuccessfully of course. Every time he tried,  Daisy would grab his arm or suddenly step in front of him. Apparently, there was another party tonight and she was desperately trying to convince him to go. Even if he had been free, Cassian didn’t really feel like getting to know Daisy. There was someone else who occupied his thoughts. Someone who would never like him back, but that didn’t stop him from hoping. 

Cassian was really starting to lose his patience. Just as he about to firmly tell her he was not interested, he saw her. Nesta Archeron. Her honey brown hair was loose, flowing just past her shoulders. She was wearing a navy cropped hoodie and black jeans that hugged her body perfectly. Damn. She was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. Before Cassian even knew what he was doing, he was up, moving, and blocking her path. 

“Hi sweetheart,” he said, pulling her into a hug.

Nesta tensed for a second before relaxing into the embrace. She hesitantly wrapped her small arms around his waist. She seemed confused, he couldn’t blame her. 

“I need you to pretend to be my date,” he whispered into her ear, as subtly as he could manage. 

“What?” she asked, pulling away.

Before she could get too far, he pulled her back in gently. “Please go along with this.” He was practically begging at this point.

Nesta nodded slightly, probably due to the pure desperation in his voice. They separated and Cassian put his arm around Nesta’s waist. “I’m so sorry Daisy, but this is my lovely date, Nesta. We’ve been seeing each other recently and it seems she came to find me after I didn’t show up.”

Daisy looked Nesta up and down, looking almost unimpressed. Cassian did not like that one bit. “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize - ”

“It’s fine, but we should be going,” he said, cutting off her insincere apology. Cassian led Nesta out of the cafe with his hand on the small of her back. Once out the door, he grasped her hand gently. He told himself it was because Daisy could still see them, but deep down he knew that wasn’t the real reason. 

After walking to the end of the street Nesta pulled her hand from his. “We can stop pretending now, she can’t see us anymore.”

He nodded as he let his hand awkwardly fall to his side. “Thank you, Nesta,” he said, trying not to get lost in her piercing blue-grey eyes. “I owe you one.” 

“Whatever,” she snapped breaking eye contact and walking off.

“Wait, hold up,” Cassian ran a few steps to catch up to her. He grabbed her arm gently to keep her from running off again. “Are you mad at me?” 

“Of course I’m mad you idiot,” she pulled away from his grip again. Cassian hated to admit her rejection hurt worse than he thought it would. “I wanted to read my book in Starbucks in peace, and now I can’t.”

Cassian put his hands in his pockets, avoiding her hardened gaze. “I’m sorry Nes I’ll take you to another coffee shop and buy you a drink,” he said the words sheepishly. “It’s the least I can do.”

“Don’t call me Nes,” she grumbled. “And I think I’ll pass.”

“Ok, what’s wrong? Cassian asked, crossing his arms across his chest. “Be honest.” Nesta was never this cold to him. Maybe she was when they first met, but he thought they were past that. She had finally started to trust him enough to show him the real Nesta. The Nesta that smiled every time she saw a dog. The Nesta that saved a seat for him every Wednesday when they had chem lectures together. The Nesta that blushed when he told her how beautiful she was while making her “thinking” face. 

“Nothing,” she said, avoiding eye contact yet again. 

“I know you’re lying Nes and I’m not leaving till you tell me what’s wrong.”

“What do you want me to say Cassian?!” she asked, the frustration clear in her voice. “Fine. You really wanna know why I’m so upset? You used me. You played with my feelings. Are you happy? You finally hurt the ice queen,” 

“Nesta I-”

“No. I’m not done,” she said holding her finger up, instantly shutting him up. “I thought we were friends, maybe even more than friends,” she mumbled the last part. “But I guess I was wrong. I thought you were different. I thought you meant the things you said to me. But I guess you really are just another frat boy. A frat boy who would use me to get out of some stupid failed date with a popular sorority girl.”

Cassian was silent as Nesta caught her breath after her sudden outburst. “Can I talk now?” he asked hesitantly. She nodded, her jaw tight.

“Nesta I ran into Daisy and had been trying to get away from her so I could study for my midterm tomorrow. You came at just the right time. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I haven’t been playing you,” he paused, reading her reaction. She didn’t seem convinced.

Before he could regret it, Cassian laid it all out on the table. “The truth is, I am utterly captivated by you, Nesta Archeron. I haven’t thought about another girl since I met you. You are the smartest, fiercest, and strongest girl I have ever met and I can’t get you out of my head. I never thought you’d like me back so I settled for just being friends. I thought it was better than nothing. I asked you to pretend to be my date so I could hold your hand and hug you just once, even if it was pretending,” his voice tapered off at the end. He was suddenly self-conscious. What if he just ruined everything? Before he could think about it too long, Nesta interrupted his thoughts. 

“You really are an idiot,” she whispered softly, “because I’ve liked you this whole time too.

This had Cassian gaping. Nesta liked him. She actually liked him. “Can I buy you a coffee?” he asked, offering his hand. “Let me take you on a real date Nes.” 

Nesta took his hand offering a small smile. “Let’s take the coffee to go so I can help you study. We can go on a real date after your midterm.”

Cassian was practically beaming as he squeezed her hand gently. “Sounds like a plan.” 

After Cassian aced his midterm, he and Nesta did just that. And it was the best date either of them had ever been on. 

Tags: @illyriangarbage // @court-of-fuck-me-daddy  // @girlnovels // @aelinninielelain // @julesherondalex // @rosehallshadowsinger // @ifangirlninja // @dreamerforever-5// @queen-of-wings-and-fire // @rhysanoodle  // @jemma-nessian-and-elriel // @books-and-words-addict  // @nightinshadow // @wolffrising // @the-regal-warrior  // @dreamingofalba // @abillionlittlepieces // @alitzeldiaz // @kylizzles // @queenmaas //  @illyrian-bookworm // @aspillofstars // @b00kworm // @tswaney17 // @girl-who-reads-the-books // @theshadowsinger-and-thefawn // @abraxos // @perseusannabeth // @acourtofmarauders // @sweetlyvillainous // @awesomelena555 // @notyournymphetish // @ladywitchling // @aesthetics-11 // @sjmships // @iammissstark // @illyrianwitchling13 // @moondancer-204 // @sjm-things // @foolsinlove // @sayosdreams // @welcometothespeaknowworldtour // @flourishandblottsx // @stardelia // @julemmaes // @thewayshedreamed // @texas-shaped-waffle-maker // @keshavomit //

[secretive3amramenmaker]

My Opinions on Fire Force That Literally Nobody Asked For

I’m in the middle of watching Fire Force Season 2, and I'll probably write a whole essay rant about the symbolism, religious elements and motifs, and the representations of real life problems in this anime before keeping it in my drafts, never to be posted, because I always overthink my ability for rational thought and deductional thinking. Until then, here are some of my opinions, thoughts, and predictions about the show in no particular order. 

Warnings: Spoilers for Fire Force Season One and some spoilers for Season Two. I have NOT read the manga, so keep that in mind.

I checked Benimaru’s wiki page, and he’s 22 years old. 👁👄👁 (I thought he was in the 25-30 range, he always looks so Done™, lol.)

Despite looking like he wants to go sleep for 14 hours and never wake up again, Benimaru be looking ✨hella fine✨, if you catch my drift.

I really like Benimaru’s and Joker’s voices. They have very deep and rich voices (I almost fell asleep when listening to Joker monologue, it was so relaxing). So I checked my faithful wiki page, and it turns out Shinmon Benimaru is voiced by Mamoru Miyano!1!1! (ⁿᵒ ʷᵒⁿᵈᵉʳ ᴵ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ʰᵉˢ ʰᵒᵗ) AND, AND, AND!!! Joker is voiced by Kenjiro Tsuda!!! I recognize his voice now!!! I really loved his voice as Lero Ro from “Tower of God”, and Narihisago Sakaido from “ID: Invaded”.

I find myself relating to Hinata and Hikage on a personal level 50% of the time, since sometimes, I like to sit back and watch the chaos unfurl. The other 50% I relate to Hinawa, because I too am a tired Mom who wishes my friends could make good life decisions, while dragging said friends out of bad life decisions.

What, in the frickity frackity F*CK are with the Evangelists boot... things. Like, I.. I have no words, simply disappointment. They’re... not even proper footwear?! I couldn’t find a GIF showing an Ashen Knight’s feet, but it’s like if somebody (aka the author) were to surgically remove a “My Little Pony™” leg and wear it as.. armour?!?! How are you supposed to fit your foot in a shoe (if it can even be called a SHOE) the size of a TEACUP, while the area protecting your knees are designed to have plenty of room???? Are all these finger quote “Ashen Knights” finger unquote so BLIND after living in the sewers (oh excuse me, the “Nether”, because we need to make the Subways’ more scary and edgy to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies) for so long, they cannot put their shoes on correctly?!?!?!?! I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS PISSED OFF (except for whenever Tamaki’s “Lucky Lecher” activiates. I have a whole other rant about THAT).

I REALLY, REALLY hate Inca. I can understand why she’s like how she is, but I still can’t help but be angered by her logic, philosophy and decisions. I also wish Shinra would understand that not everybody WANTS to be saved, even though people SHOULD be saved. For example, when Inca decided to follow through on what SEEMED to be her only option of setting Panda (the guy from her gang she lead) on fire, because it was “decided by destiny”? Utter bull. Inca can, in fact, see where fires will appear in the future, by smelling where they will appear in the form of threads (which reminds me a lot of Tanjiro from “Demon Slayer”, and how he can smell the “Line of the Interval”). 

However, it is obvious to viewers that the explosions she creates (note the word “create”. A conscious action!) by tracing the threads are a result of her physical actions of tracing a line. She was not mind controlled, rather chose to trace the lines under the flimsy assumption of “it’s destiny so I HAVE to!” Inca should have more deeply considered the fact that maybe it’s not “DESTINY” but her own obvious FREE WILL in that she can CHOOSE to create these explosions. I dislike how she shuns normalcy and safety when so few of the people in the “Fire Force” universe have the PRIVILEGE of experiencing it. I can understand why Inca dislikes safety, so it’s not one of my more hated traits of her character, since it is understandable since her abilities allow her to always avoid danger. This causes Inca to narcissistically believes her life is MORE valuable than others, treating other peoples’ own lives so callously, and is one of the characteristics I hate about Inca. Every individual life is precious in it’s ability to change their morals and way of living, in that they can accomplish so many things in life despite the brevity of it, and that even the worst people have (a few) redeemable traits. Inca did go through a traumatic event, which lead to her realizing the preciousness of her own life, but failing to recognize that others’ lives have that same preciousness when presented the chance, (i.e. the boys from her gang, the people she robs, and the people who were also in the Great Fire who died), which is what I hate the most about Inca. I don’t wish for her to die, but I would love for her to be PROPERLY face the consequences of her crimes, hopefully living a life of normalcy and safety for the rest of her life.

Thank you for reading some of my opinions about “Fire Force” Season One and Two. I have a lot more opinions that I wish to share, including Shinra’s hero complex and the cause behind it, an in depth analysis of Sho’s character, my thoughts on the Christianity, evangelism, and religious elements, proto-Nationalism and it’s symbolism of Japanese history with Christian missionaries, opinions on the female characters of “Fire Force”, my opinion on the redeemibality of villains, Tamaki’s “Lucky Lecher”, and theories on the future events of “Fire Force”. Have a nice day!

[benisasoftboi]

Unorganised thoughts on Trails of Cold Steel III:

...I’m gonna need like a week to process that

I guess I know why people hate George now!

Could really use a good old reset from KeA right now

This is the best game in the Cold Steel series so far. Easily

I... there’s no way they’re all really dead, right? This series has been completely toothless about killing anyone who isn’t a villain until now, no way they’re permanently killing someone who’s been here since practically day 1, no way. Show me a body

And even then I’ll doubt it with all these revivals happening all over the place 

‘He’s HIDING’ I sob as I apply clown make-up 

Ben Diskin did not need to go so hard on the voice acting at Millium’s death he did not need to do that to me

My god when Angie drove into the graveyard and my PS4 popped up a little notification telling me it was a blocked scene, the tension in me... and I never saw that coming, I’ll have to see if it was foreshadowed at all by replaying CS1 and 2 some time

I saw Lughman being a baddie a mile away (a mysterious professor turning out to be evil in a Trails game? UNPRECEDENTED!) but he’s Alisa’s dad!?

Neat writing trick actually, since they probably knew we’d guess the former, they blindside us with the latter

I can’t express how happy it made me that the Rufus battle was Machias Jusis Elliot. My dream team!

Estelle and Joshua got mentioned so much I figured they’d make a surprise appearance at the end and save the day

:(

So. Characters:

Rean: Rean is once again moderately more interesting than he was before, but still the least interesting person in the game. I guess he’s got some guilt that’s actually justified now, that’s cool? 

I ship him with Crow, not because the pairing really appeals to me that much, but because being shipped with Crow would totally piss Rean off and I find that extremely funny

His relationship with Altina is the best relationship he’s ever had with a female character and it is 100% because she’s the only girl he’s never ship teased with

(I don’t have an issue with the concept of ship tease itself, I have an issue with Rean-ship tease because 1. I still truly do not understand why so many girls like him so much and 2. None of it will ever canonically go anywhere)

(Seriously I’m so tempted to write a breakdown of why every other guy in Erebonia is more desirable than Rean)

Juna: I like Juna. I realised early on that she and Kurt remind me of Estelle and Joshua, without being carbon copies, and that’s good. I also think her relationship with Rean was really interesting - ‘I don’t know how to feel about you because you saved my life, but it also wouldn’t have needed saving if it weren’t for your country’s actions, which you’ve played a major role in - but now I’m being forced to confront that you’re a human being too’ is a really complicated situation for her. It’s a lot more interesting than ‘I don’t like you because you accidentally got a face full of chest’, Alisa

I also really liked using her, I ended up loading her with the Platinum Pecky Medal and defensive stuff, and she was a wall, she took an S-craft from Arianrhod in her stride! My buff girl!

She should’ve just been the new protagonist ngl

Kurt: Kurt had a lot to live up to, seeing as his brother is my favourite minor character. And oh does he succeed, Kurt is my favourite of New VII, he’s a good straight man, he’s great in battle, I like his arc, I like his friendship with Juna, I like Kurt

Altina: I was not sure about Altina just... being a student now. But damn if she didn’t have the best character arc in the game. I only did her final bonding event on a whim, but it’s the best one I saw. My girl Allie deserves the damn world

I really, truly believe those three have a bond as well, they’re very well written as a group. This was a problem I had with Old VII, the fact that so many of them just... didn’t have relationships with each other. How do, say, Fie and Machias feel about each other? I have no idea. But this group has a fantastic dynamic and it makes that ending so much more effective

It’s like I praised Crossbell for, really - having a small core group is much more manageable in terms of giving them all equal screen time and getting me to care about them

Musse: Uh, kind of one-note and annoying, honestly. I don’t hate her or anything, but like... she’s either Being Mysterious or Hitting On Her Teacher (I hate it I hate it so much). It’s just hard to care about someone who’s clearly so fake, I guess? I’m definitely interested in her, but like... I don’t really like her

Ash: Poor boy. I thought Ash was such an interesting character (and man do I love having someone around who does not like Rean, and never really changes his mind about it). Ash is very well done imo

Alisa: Alisa is good when the issue is her family drama, and is so goddamn boring when it comes to Rean. Nothing new there

Elliot: I love his little ponytail I love it he’s so cute I want to hug him so bad

Laura: Winner of the ‘best new outfit’ award (was never that fond of her war outfit, but this one is perfect). Still good, but not notably so. I feel so bad for Laura, she tries so hard to matter, but she’s by far the character you’d have the easiest time lifting out of the game

And while I love Elliot... same situation really. You could go back to the start and have one character named Elliaura who likes swords and music and has two big-shot dads, and you wouldn’t lose much

Machias: Took down Rufus, yeah, destroy your best friend (boyfriend)’s evil family! Winner of the ‘worst new outfit’ award, AGAIN. Also winner of ‘dorkiest S-craft’. I did his final bonding event first, and according to Playstation trophies it’s the least popular one! Stop sleeping on my boy Machias guys, I know he was annoying in the first game but I love him :(

Gaius: Special award to Gaius for finally being interesting! Boy’s a Gralsritter now, did not see that coming!

And of course it happened off screen. Because god forbid interesting stuff happen to Gaius when we’re actually around

Oh also goddamn, that is a beautiful man

Emma: Don’t really like the new outfit. It’s kind of remarkable that she’s so important but I keep forgetting she exists. Exposition witch who sometimes just doesn’t deliver the exposition I guess

Fie: Still my fav girl. Wish there had been more focus on her feelings about her dad coming back to life. Like that she’s a bracer

Jusis: Wasn’t sure how to feel about his newly close friendship with Millium because I was concerned that I was meant to ship it (by far my least favourite thing about this franchise is that that was not an unreasonable concern, as it wouldn’t even be the most inappropriate relationship in this game alone). Very, very glad it was confirmed sibling-y (not that it’s stopped them before). He didn’t really get to do anything else, sadly, but he’s good as always

I did the Purebread contest with him, and he made bread from coffee beans Machias gave him, the Ferdibert Fire Emblem energy- 

“What are you doing underneath this scarlet Pleroma Grass?”

Milliam: :(

Sara: Doesn’t get much to do because this cast is bloated but like, I still really like her :)

Towa: Someone needs to check on Towa all her friends are dead or evil the poor poor girl (or uh. I guess Crow isn’t... hmm.)

Angie :(

My kids Tita and Agate are back and completely overshadowed by people teasing this almost 30-year old man about being in love with a 17 year old that he’s only ever claimed to see as a sister, I swear to god

The orbal gear looks so goofy lol

Stop mentioning Schera as just being ‘totally here, just off screen, ha ha’ give her a model! Have her be here!

Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing Josette again, I just don’t get... why? Why is she here?

Tio is back! And so is Randy, as a major character! I’m very very happy, I love them both

Michael’s fine, I guess? He’s kind of bland but I guess that’s kind of the point and I like him just fine. He serves his purpose well

I’ve never really liked Claire all that much, but she’s fine in this one again I suppose. A bit disappointed by the Lechter reveals really, I had expected more, to be honest

Aurelia is a fun character and I enjoy her as the principal. Want to see her fight Cassius

Want to see Cassius 

I love my girl Annabelle, but she’s the only reason I didn’t get all the character profiles (how was I meant to know I could even go to the highway at that point hmmm Falcom!?)

They picked a good selection of returning Thors students. Even Dorothee isn’t as annoying as she used to be. Hilarious that she’s the only one who didn’t get a profile

Juna gave a great big speech about how awesome the SSS are and namedrops everyone EXCEPT WAZY! My FAVOURITE Crossbell character! So offensive!

Oh speaking of offensive I took Machias to the Mishy show and was told he and Rean did a Mishy dance but they didn’t show it, what the hell-

Playable Olivier! Olivier back story! I could write a goddamn essay on why Olivier is such a great character. Glaring at you Falcom

I miss Mueller :(

Ada Grant is wonderful and I want better things for her

Rufus is a damn great villain just because of how much sense his actions suddenly make when you know that one little detail of him not actually being Jusis’s brother

I hate Cedric but like, in a way where I’m having fun hating him. That little bitch

Literally what do you even actually want Osbourne

I still cannot stand Elise. Something I realised playing this game is that one of the things that stops the Estelle and Joshua relationship from being as weird as it could be is that they don’t look at all alike, it’s very clear they’re not related in the slightest. Elise and Rean look like they really could be siblings, and come to think, so do Lloyd and Cecile. Which is also teased, to a lesser extent. It would be so much less uncomfortable if they just swapped Elise and Alfin’s models ngl (though still not good)

inb4 the final plot twist of the whole series is that Estelle and Joshua actually were biological siblings all along

This game looks so much better than its predecessors. Having the models being a little rounder and softer looking makes it look much more like an updated version of the original style than the complete departure that was CS1 and 2. Every time there was a flashback, Rean would be like ‘back then...’ and I’d feel compelled to say out loud ‘when we were shiny, and looked bad!’

‘Evil ancient magic corrupts people into making them do bad things!’ is... honestly a bit of a cop out that I did not expect from this series 

I found Rean telling Patrick ‘leave room for Aidios when dancing with my sister’ extremely funny. Rean would totally be a Christian summer camp counsellor in the real world

I honestly would have enjoyed it a lot more if Alfin decided to cause a scandal and have her first dance with Elise, but we can’t have such luxuries I suppose

When you get that book on dystopias, very clever to put the author on the last page. Seeing the name Gideon gave me such a start

Racquel was easily my fav new location

Leeves > Trista no doubt, maybe I’m just biased because it looks a lot like the village I grew up in but it’s just such a nicer design

Also the branch campus > main campus purely for being smaller, making the filler segments between field trips more bearable 

I prefer the longer but fewer chapters set-up, I think

There’s so many sad faces in this write up :( 

Back when I played Sky SC, I said something about how one of the themes is ‘you are not defined by your trauma’. I now think it would be more accurate to say that the theme of all the games (but especially the Sky arc) is ‘don’t let your worst experiences define you’

Because there are characters who define themselves by their traumas and worst experiences - and those characters are all villains, or miserable, or both. Like, they don’t phrase it as such, but the requirement to be an Ouroboros enforcer is ‘have trauma and define yourself by it’

And both Joshua and Renne’s arcs are about learning not to do that

Equally, the idea that ‘it’s much easier to not to define yourself by your trauma when you have a good support system that wants the best for you’ is a big theme as well

I just think that’s a really interesting idea for a JRPG series to tackle, idk

I can’t believe I’m at the last game! This series has been my life for the past near-half a year, what do I do when I finish it?

...go back and play Sky FC, maybe?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #434

“i hate this town, it’s so washed up, & all my friends don’t give a fuck  /  they’ll tell me that it’s just bad luck, when will i find where i fit in?”

You get a text from your ex. He/she wants to hang out. How do you respond? Admittedly, I would. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you secretly want to be more than friends with? No. Well, there are times where I think I WANT to like-like Girt, but I just don't. And yet he's always been there for me without fail, is super funny and kind and chill... but I think we were just friends for too long; he feels like my brother by this point in time. If your partner smoked, would that be a problem for you? If it was cigarettes, yes. Even weed (UNLESS it was for medicinal purposes and not a constant thing) I'd be iffy about. I just don't want to date a smoker. Lung damage is lung damage and weed actually has more carcinogens, and I don't want to sign myself up for all that. I don't want to watch my partner wither away from nonstop smoking and also have myself suffer from second-hand smoking. When will you next see your best friend? There's no telling. Right now I'm trying to be realistic and responsible with the money I DO ever get and put it towards more important investments, but I really do want to take a plane up there at some point. But that's also waiting until Covid is in the past. Heeeell no would I be stepping into an airport right now, even being vaccinated. How many tattoos would you like to have? Too many to count, ha ha. I want LOADS. Paint me, baby. :') Do you like your first name? I actually do. Have you ever talked to a boyfriend about an ex-boyfriend? Yes. It's kind of inevitable when you go into a new relationship, hoping it'll go well and be seriously invested, that you let your partner know "oh hey, this happened and seriously affected me to where I'm going to have 'my days.'" Greatest birthday gift you ever got? My snake Venus was technically a birthday present, though I obviously picked her out. Worst memory you have? Losing Jason. I can't say enough that the night of the breakup still doesn't feel real. First memory you can remember? My brother going down our slide into the Hurricane Floyd flood in our front yard, ha ha. I was around two, I wanna say? I don't feel like looking up the date of the hurricane. Oldest object you own? When did you get it? I'm sure that would be a stuffed animal we have stored away somewhere. Or my baby blanket, also safely tucked away. Meanest person you know? Why do you feel this way? I don't "know" Colleen anymore, but God knows she fit the bill. She was so fucking rude to people (yes, she was one of those people that bitched out store employees that have no control over things that inconvenienced her), the world revolved around her problems, she started drama with the damn grass... It's funny even picturing how she was my best friend once. My standards were lower for who I could befriend back then, but goddamn. Ever been dumped? By who? Yes, Jason. Technically Sara as well, but "dumped" seems like an unfitting term? Like we just talked it out and sorta mutually agreed that it was wiser that we weren't together at the time. Have you ever dumped someone? Why? Yes, mostly because I didn't like-like them. Juan was more so because I believed a rumor by Rachel, and Tyler, I just wasn't invested in and had NO desire to put up with the "we need to talk every five minutes" crap. Where do you buy most of your food? Wal-Mart. Last house you have been to: whose was it, and why were you there? My sister's, for my nephew's birthday party. Have you ever been a drunk driver? No, and fuck you if you've ever put others (and yourself) at risk like that. One kid you cannot stand? None that I know, and that's very few. Has anyone ever saved your life? Jason and Mom literally have. Last thing you cried about? Ha ha, I finished watching another SOMA playthrough earlier, and I will ALWAYS start to cry at the end. Without fail. Would you sacrifice your life for someone else's baby? I honestly think I would if it was a split-second decision. Tell me about your latest dream: I think my APAP mask wasn't positioned well last night, because I had a SHITLOAD of nightmares. Too many to even remember. Have you ever been in a limo? No. I've always wanted to experience that once, man. Have you ever been the maid of honor in a wedding party? No. Has anyone ever seen you naked? I was born naked, my man. Mom used to give my sister and I baths together, and I took a bath with a best friend once as a kid. Then one other person has. Do you have a calendar? If so, what is the theme of it? Not a current one, no. Nicest thing you have ever done for a complete stranger: I have no idea. Meanest thing you have ever done to a complete stranger: *shrug* Have you ever been sent to the principal's office? If so, why? And how did you feel? Yes, I think because they wanted to ask the reason behind all my morning tardies. I was soooo scared, just being a kid. Person you hope you never run into again: Colleen. Have you ever streaked? Heeeeell no. Why do you hate your ex? I don't hate any of them. What animal did you last pet or hold? Roman, my cat. What color is your hair? It's my natural brunette right now. I want to dye it SO badly. Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? Yeah. Have you ever had to clean a cat box before? Yeah, seeing as I own an indoor cat. Christmas is coming. Who are you buying gifts for? In the hypothetical situation where I had the money, I'd buy things for my parents, my stepmom, my two immediate sisters, Ash's kids, as well as her husband, but only because I'd feel obligated to as he's considered a close member of the family. I'd also totally get something for Sara! When somebody intimidates you, how do you usually act around them? SCARED. I get quiet, stutter if I do talk, and possibly cry. Is your favorite singer in a band or does he or she ride solo? He was originally the singer of Black Sabbath, but he's been solo for forever now. I prefer him solo, honestly. Did your parents ever hang your old artwork up on the walls? Ohhh yes. Mom still does, ha ha. What is the weirdest obsession you’ve ever had? Nothing really "weird," I think... How long can you be in a car before wanting to get out? It depends on if I have my music or not. If I do, I can last hours, but if not, I don't really like being in the car at all. Have any songs ever inspired you to play an instrument? No. Do you ever use Pandora?No. Are you better with creative writing or writing essays? Creative writing, but I'm fine with both. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever seen as a pet? I know OF someone who rescued I want to say a baby bobcat, or something along those lines, but I didn't know that guy personally. I don't think I've ever actually met someone with a truly *strange* pet... The most unique I've seen is probably just a chinchilla. If you had to change one, would you rather change your hair or your eyes? My eyes. I don't like them much, mainly the shape. What was your favorite computer game as a kid? I loved the various Oregon Trail games, as well as one I think was called The Amazon Trail 3. Then there was a few dinosaur games I LOVED, and then there were the classic kids' games like the Putt-Putt and Fred the Fish series. Any shows on TV that you flat out refuse to start watching? 13 Reasons Why. I don't even support that show existing. Pajamas with feet: yay or nay? NOOOOOOOO, that is so uncomfortable. What is your opinion on fruitcake? That's an even BIGGER "no." Who did you last dream about? I don't remember. Do you have trouble remembering important things? Yes. .-. I barely remember anything. Which animal can you imitate the best? I dunno? Have you bought any drugs this month? I don't do drugs, so. Have you ever set foot in a tanning bed? Nope, never will. Do you know the Soulja Boy dance? Ha ha, I did as a kid. My then-best friend, younger sister, and I wanted to learn it. I don't remember it now, that's for sure. What is the best ice cream flavor? Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food" is GODLY. Wallpaper on your computer's desktop? Teddy, my late dog. Do you clean when you’re upset? Hell no, I do the opposite: nothing. Do you sleep with the door open or closed? It stays open. My cat would pitch a fit otherwise. Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug related crash? Yes, actually. It was incredibly tragic; the both of them were high (maybe drunk, idr for sure), and my friend was driving with her best friend in the passenger seat. They crashed, and said friend's best friend died. For YEARS she would share pictures of them together on Facebook, "talking" to her, and it was just so heartbreaking. I doubt she's forgiven herself to this day, but she seems to have mostly moved on the best she could, being married with a daughter now. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, and I do NOT want one. I don't want some random stranger touching me in ANY way. Do you have a good relationship with your first love? No. We haven't talked in years, so maybe he feels no hatred for me at this point, but I do for myself. I don't hate him at all. Do you feel like you have life figured out? bitch hell no What would you do if you were faced with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy (at your current age)? Was I raped? I'd almost certainly abort because I would be traumatized as FUCK. If it was my own fault, I think I'd go through with the pregnancy, but give the baby up for adoption. There is no way I could raise a kid right now. Or probably ever. Water or Gatorade? I don't like either, really, but I HATE Gatorade. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced twice, and I'm thinking of getting it redone again, but this time use a hoop instead of a stud to keep the damn piercing from falling out and closing in my sleep. Have you ever slapped someone? On the arm as a kid. That doesn't excuse it, though. Who are the pictures of in the room? I have a lot of posters, but no real photographs of anyone. Have your parents ever smoked pot? Dad did a lot of drugs before I was born, but Mom's never touched anything. I think. Would you ever consider moving to a different country? I'd love to live in Canada, if that didn't entail leaving my family. What is your favourite food from your culture? Cheeseburgers, alsdf;alwer Do you know any pick-up lines in a foreign language? No. What degree are you or will you pursue while in college? I've dropped out of college three times. I am never going back to major in anything. I changed my major quite a few times while I was there. Favorite arcade game? I don't really have one. One of my life goals is to go to an arcade that has Silent Hill: The Arcade, though. There are very few throughout the world, and it looks fun. Would other people consider your sense of humor inappropriate? I don't see how. Some inappropriate things can make me laugh, but it's definitely not my favorite form of humor, and I myself don't really make jokes of that sort. Who is your biggest celebrity crush right now? Mark Fischbach. :'') What are they famous for? He's a big YouTuber, aND WILL ALSO BE A MAIN ACTOR IN A SHOW NEXT YEAR. LET'S GOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No, I would NOT stand for that bullshit. Do you have any gay family members? I know my mom's... cousin I want to say is gay. Somebody related to her is. Was your first kiss romantic? I feel like it was. What are you most likely to go to jail for? Pirating shit. Well, can you even be locked up for downloading minor shit? Shows what I know. Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship with someone else? Boy, have I. Would you ever get a boob job? When (or if...) I lose all the weight I want, I can almost guarantee a breast lift will be something I'd want. Certain things happen when you lose a shitload of weight alsdkf;alkwe Have you ever tried to break up anyone because you liked one of them? Not intentionally. What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? If we're talking THE ex, safe to say I'd be shocked. Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? It's weird, I've felt both ways with Girt? Like there were times I was pretty much 100% certain he liked me, but I'd also be like "nah, no way, he sees me as a sister." Turns out he like-liked me. Are you worried about anything right now? I can't possibly recall the last time I WASN'T worried about something. When you are home alone, do you still close the door when you shower? I don't shower when I'm home alone because I'm afraid of ever fainting and busting my ass again. What noise do you hear? I'm currently listening to "All Signs Point To Lauderdale" by A Day to Remember, and I can also hear my fan going. Do you go online everyday? Pretty much without fail. It'll probably be a cold day in Hell before I willingly don't come online, ha ha.

[imanativeofswlondondahling]

Becoming A Stark? (3) Peter Parker x Stark! FemReader

Word Count: 4848

Warnings: Swearing, mention of physical abuse of a child

A/N: Dinner with your two best friends and the Avengers, what could go wrong? 

Chapter One || Previous Chapter || Master List 

You had invited both Betty and Astrid for dinner, like Tony suggested. It had taken a lot of loose excuses to explain why you were picking them up instead of them just coming over and why your Nana and Pops wouldn’t be at dinner. But you and Betty had been best friends since kindergarten and Astrid had joined the two of you when she moved to New York in fourth grade, the three of you inseparable since then so they trusted you. But the idea of bringing your two best friends to the tower and introducing them to the Avengers and more importantly to Tony, that was a whole other thing. Plus Tony had mentioned that Pepper was going to be there, so you were meeting your dad’s girlfriend on top of everything. Tonight could possibly be the worst night of your life if everything goes to shit. 

“Y/N, you ready to pick up Betty and Astrid?” Happy asks from the elevator in the living room.

“No.” You answer honestly as your sandal covered feet drag towards the elevator.

“It’s going to be great.” Bruce calls from the couch where he sits with Natasha.

“We’re excited to meet your friends.” Natasha adds.

“You’re not the one who has to explain that your life is over to your best friends.” You mumble. “Make sure Tony is at least presentable when we get back?”

“I’ll threaten him within an inch of his life if I have to.” Natasha promises. You wouldn’t honestly put it past her.

“And no inventions. This needs to go as normal as possible.” You add as Happy holds the elevator doors open for you.

“We’ll keep him out of the lab.” Bruce adds with a laugh. You run your hands over the skirt of your pastel pink dress, before walking into the elevator. The dress you chose for tonight is nicer than you’d normally choose for just dinner at home, but Astrid and Betty didn’t know the Tower was home, so you decided to at least put on a dress compared to the graphic t-shirt and shorts you had been wearing all day. This dress had buttons down the front, pleats, a collar, and a sash that tied around your waist. It was sleeveless, so you might get a bit cold, but Jarvis could always fix that if you did.

“It’s going to be alright. It’s just dinner with your friends and family.” Happy says from the other side of the elevator as the doors close.

“I don’t know if I’d call them family.” You say before asking Jarvis to take you down to the parking garage.

“They’d call you family.” Happy says before stepping off the elevator. You walk towards the black town car, thinking over the words he had said. Sure you were getting to know them all better and yes Tony was your biological father, but family? You’re not sure about that one. Happy opens the door for you to slide in. “Astrid or Betty first?”

“Betty is farther, so her first?” You suggest, before looking at your new phone you had gotten this morning. It was way too over the top, but seeing as it’s also top of the line, you can see why Tony would want you to be seen with it and not the phone you had for the past few years.

“Sounds like a plan.” Happy turns onto the street before looking towards you in the rear view mirror. “You want music?”

“Uh sure?”

“JARVIS can connect to your phone.”

“Jarvis is part of the car too?” You shouldn’t be surprised, but for some reason you find yourself surprised that he’s integrated into everything.

“He wouldn’t be Just A Rather Very Intelligent System if he wasn’t.”

“Wait, it's an acronym?” You ask, all this time just thinking it was a name like Wallace and Queenie are.

“Your dad is really into acronyms.” Happy gives you a small smile. “So music?” 

“Uh JARVIS, can you play my Spotify playlist?”

“Sure which playlist Miss Y/N? June? I Hate Life? Tony Stark Can Rot?-” You cut him off before he says anything else.

“Play June JARVIS.” You close your eyes not wanting to make eye contact with Happy after JARVIS just told your dad’s security that you have a playlist called Tony Stark Can Rot.

“Secrets safe with my Y/N.” Happy says from the front seat as Under Pressure by Queen starts playing. He drives towards I-495E. Happy knows in a little more than a week, they’re going to be driving this twice a day to take Y/N to Midtown School of Science and Technology. It’s an almost hour drive round trip but Tony was adamant with everyone that Y/N not be moved from the school that all of her friends were going too. Happy is surprised to hear a lot of familiar music play through your playlist that normally plays through Tony’s. You may not have been anywhere near him growing up, but at least he’d be proud that you listened to the classics. Pulling up in front of the brown stone that was programmed into the GPS, Happy sees a blonde girl waiting in front of the building looking up and down the street, probably expecting Y/N to walk up at any point in time. Instead you open the door and call out to your best friend.

“Betty!” Her eyes open wide and stare at you. But she climbs into the car before asking all her questions.

“Y/N, holy cow! You never spring for like yellow cabs, so why did you get a town car? We could have even easily taken the subway like we do when we head into Manhattan.”

“It’s a long story, but I’m not the one paying for the car. I promise everything will be explained but can we wait until Astrid is here? I don’t want to explain everything twice.”

“Sure, of course! Have you finished the essay yet for English?”

“No, I'm still finishing the book.”

“You haven’t finished A Tree Grows in Brooklyn yet? Are you sick or something? You read faster than Astrid and I combined. Or did you spend more time on the science essay? Should I write more you think? I was thinking maybe I should do some more research about my favorite scientist. I mean there’s so much out there about Bruce Banner now since the whole Avenger saving New York thing. But I’ve already done two pages over what we're supposed to do. Who are you writing your paper on again?”

“Frederick Banting. Created insulin. Seemed important enough to get a paper about him.”

“Oh definitely. Look at Astrid’s dress, it is so cute! Not that yours isn’t!”

“It is cute.” You see your brunette friend waiting in a yellow sundress outside of her apartment building. You open the door, and see yet another surprised face at the town car. 

“Ok, a town car. We’re fancy now?” Astrid asks as she climbs in with you and Betty.

“Apparently we are.” Betty says, still not knowing why you were in a town car.

“There is a crash on your route, so with traffic the drive will take 35 minutes, Happy and Miss Y/N.” Betty and Astrid look up in concern, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from.

“Thank you JARVIS.” Happy says, turning onto a side street.

“Is Jarvis like a GPS that happens to know your name?” Astrid asks looking at you wearily.

“Kind of? He’s more like an AI.”

“Why does the town car, which you’re not paying for, have an AI that knows your name?” Betty asks, more concerned.

“So the car is my dad’s along with the AI.”

“Your dad?” Astrid and Betty both repeat. They both have known you long enough to know that Nana and Pops had stepped into the role of parents before you could walk or talk.

“But I thought you had no idea who your dad was?” Betty asks.

“I didn’t. Not until a couple days ago and it kind of came out of nowhere. Long story short, I’m living with him and his, uh, family now.”

“But still in New York right? Like you’re still going to school with us right?” Astrid asks.

You nod as you say, “Yes. I’m just living in Midtown now and Happy here is going to drive me to and from school now for safety reasons.”

“For safety reasons?” Astrid asks as Betty voices her own question.

“What is your dad like a big somebody?”

“Yes.”

“To which?” Betty asks.

“To both.” You shrug. You really, really don’t want to say it. You beg the universe not to make you say it.

“Y/N, who is your dad?” The question you had been dreading leaves your friend’s mouth.

“Tony Stark.”

“Holy shit.”

“No way.”

“So you should win like every science fair that we have from here on out.”

“Science is still my least favorite subject.” You answer honestly. “Just because Tony is my father doesn’t change anything.”

“But you’re a Stark, that means like science flows through your blood.”

You motion towards Queenie, who’s clipped to your sash. “I think it’s like insulin. It’s supposed to but it doesn’t.”

“Wait, so if you’re taking us home for dinner, but your Nana and Pops won’t be there does that mean…” Betty trails off not wanting to jinx it.

“We’re going to the tower for dinner.” You confirm.

“Are the Avengers going to be there?” Astrid voices.

“I mean they live there and have eaten dinner with me every night so far.” You jokingly say. “And I figure they need to eat tonight too.”

“Hold on, I’m having dinner with Bruce Banner and you didn’t give me time to prep questions? This would have made my report so much better!” Betty’s head falls back to the headrest in defeat.

“Bett, I’m sure he’d be willing to answer anything you come up with. The Avengers are all really nice.”

“And Daddy Dearest?” Astrid asks.

“No comment.”

“I don’t like the sound of that.”

“It’s not like he’s bad or anything. It’s just he came out of nowhere, took me from Nana and Pops’ and he doesn’t seem to understand that I can handle my diabetes on my own. He had JARVIS monitoring but like way higher than it needed to be. He had alerts set if I fell under 100 the other day.”

“You’ve known him how many days Y/N?” Betty asks.

“Three?”

“It’ll take some time. Plus once we’re back at school, you won’t have to spend as much time with him.”

“Thank god.” You say softly as Happy pulls the car into the tower’s garage. You know as soon as you get upstairs you’ll feel suffocated again, but your friends want to see the tower. So you tell JARVIS to take you upstairs. When you get to the living room though you’re surprised to only see one person waiting for you.

“Hi you must be Astrid, Betty. I’m Pepper.” The strawberry blonde standing in front of you turns to look at you suddenly and with a genuine smile on her face turns to look at you. “And you have to be Y/N. Tony hasn’t stopped talking about you since he found out about you. Which is a nice change of pace since he likes talking about himself if you haven’t found out, which I would find highly impossible. I can’t wait to get to know you through you though. I’m sorry we haven’t met until tonight. SI business has been all over the place with the transition and, well, everything.” She motions towards you. “But I’d like to take you out to maybe lunch or something where it’s just the two of us before you go back to school if you don’t mind?” This was not the reaction you were expecting from your father’s girlfriend. 

“Uh, sure. Yeah we can do that.” You push a lock of hair over your shoulder trying to distract yourself with the nervous habit of playing with your hair. 

“Great, I’ll give you my number before the night’s over and we can plan something.” She flashes you a huge smile. “Now Steve and Bruce are in the kitchen and I think Natasha is either distracting them or trying to keep Tony from sneaking down to the lab again. And Rhodey is just hanging out I think. I don’t know where Clint has snuck off too but he’ll reappear before dinner is on the table I’ll bet on it. Want to introduce your friends to them all?”

“I was going to take them up to my room but we could do passing introductions.” You agree, knowing that Betty will never let you hear the end of it if you don’t introduce her to Bruce sooner rather than later. “Kitchen is this way.” You motion for them to follow. As you walk into the kitchen there’s a booming laugh that you don’t recognize. Six pairs of eyes turn to fall upon you and your friends as you enter into the kitchen.

“Tonydaughter!” A large, muscled blonde man comes to scoop you into a hug. 

“Point Break maybe wait until she knows you to scoop her into a hug.” Tony calls from the other side of the kitchen, a glass filled with a dark liquid in his hand.

“Ha, midgardians are so funny. She will be a better friend of mine than you are.” This man that you have to assume is Thor based on how he talks and acts, sets you down though. Even though you weren’t expecting the hug, it did feel nice after so many days of not having much human contact. “Who are these?”

“I’m Betty Brant, your highness sir.”

“I’m Astrid Stollas.” Astrid does a bit of a curtsy, not sure how to act around the god.

“Brantdaughter and Stollasdaughter, there is no need for these Earthy customs. But we do need to feast.” He raises his fist as if to command it.

“It’s still cooking, Thor.” Steve says from the stove.

“Can you wait twenty minutes?” Bruce asks and Betty’s eyes go wide.

“Betty, Astrid,you met Thor, but meet Steve, Natasha, Rhodey, Tony, and-”

“I know who you are.” Betty cuts you off before you can introduce Bruce. Bruce goes a bit pale and you have a feeling you know where his mind went and not where her’s actually did.

“Yes, I know I’m the Hul-”

“You’re the most renowned scientist of the generation. They painted you into the mural at our school.”

“What?” Bruce looks at her in confusion.

“I just finished my seven page research paper on you.”

“Looks like Brucy has a fangirl.”

“And who are you again?” You ask Tony, determined to not let him ruin Bruce’s moment.

“I am Iron Man.”

“But you’re not in a mural at a school for science and technology. Clearly not important.” Pepper wraps an arm around Tony’s waist as his jaw drops. 

“Fix it.” He says to her.

“I’m not donating to your daughter’s school just so you can be in a mural.”

“But I want it.” Tony whines.

“Can’t have it.” Pepper throws back.

“Clearly unimportant.” You say with a shrug. “Astrid, Betty, do you want to see my room?”

“I’m good here.” Betty says, staring at Bruce. Astrid rolls her eyes and pulls Betty by the elbow towards where you are before following you up the stairs.

“She said I was unimportant.” Tony whines to Pepper.

“I think coming from a fourteen year old, you’ll be ok.”

“She’s not just any fourteen year old.” Tony says it and Pepper knows it's true. That girl is the only thing that Tony has talked about for the past four days. 

“At least she was joking with you tonight.” Natasha points out as she steals some of the veggies from Steve’s cutting board. “After yesterday, she could have done way worse.”

“And she introduced us to her best friends.” A smile rises to Tony’s face.

“She did say science is her least favorite subject.” Happy says from the living room and Tony’s face falls again.

“She what?”

“Nothing boss.” Happy takes the elevator to his own floor, leaving them with their own messes to deal with for the night.

“Why is she going to a science and technology school if she hates science?” Tony asks Pepper.

“You’ll have to ask her. Or, you could wait until she talks to you about school.” Pepper says.

“Wow Y/N. Half your books aren’t even here yet and you already have so many new ones.” Betty says looking at your shelves that Tony had built the other day.

“I think Tony thinks he can bribe his way into my life with buying books. But it won’t work.” Astrid is standing over by your desk and notices that your sticker covered laptop is plugged in charging but there are some dark data screens, waiting to be used.

“Did he make you a data-”

“I don’t know. I refuse to use as much of his tech as possible. The only one I have to use is the Stark Phone.”

“Y/N, he’s offering you the latest and greatest in Stark tech and you’re just throwing it away to stick it to the man? I would kill for half the tech you have, including the AI.”

“Well if you can find a way to take it, you’re welcome to have it. I don’t want most of it.”

“Because it’s from him or because it’s by him.”

“Both.” Astrid and Betty look at you in confusion. “I was perfectly happy with my life in Queens, living with Nana and Pops and he just came and took me away without any choice. Then he shoves all this tech in my hands and expects me to be elated over all of it. That’s not me. That’s not what I do.”

“Of course it’s not. You would live in the 18th century romance novels as long as you could still rep your LGBT letters.” Astrid says and you can’t help but roll your eyes. Before any of you can say anything else, JARVIS comes over head.

“Dinner is ready Miss Y/N.”

“Why does he call you Miss Y/N? Everyone else is just their names?” Betty asks.

“I don’t know. I guess he was programmed that way.”

“Jarvis?” Betty calls out.

“Yes?” 

“Can you call Y/N just Y/N?”

“Certainly.” She smirks at you as you roll your eyes.

“Come on, let’s get dinner over with.” You say rolling your eyes.

“It won’t be that bad.” Astrid promises as the three of you head towards your door. 

“You’ve yet to have dinner with the Avengers.” You mumble as you walk them down towards the kitchen. The three open spots are between Pepper and Bruce and you know that Betty will kill you and Astrid if she doesn’t get to sit next to her favorite scientist, so the three of you end up sitting with Betty next to Bruce, where she will probably talk his ear off all night, Astrid in between you and Betty, with Pepper on your right. Tony is sitting on her other side, so it’s not like you can just ignore your dad all through dinner, but you can sure try. 

“So you’re all going to be freshmen this year?” Pepper asks. It’s not a total surprise that she knows about your schooling since Natasha had mentioned that Tony had talked to her and Pepper about the situation. But hearing it actually come out of her mouth takes you by surprise. But Astrid saves the day in the end.

“Yup. We’re all starting at Midtown School of Science and Technology, much to Y/N’s chagrin. If we could go to a school where the focus is only reading and English instead, that would probably be her top choice.”

“Is English your favorite subject?” Pepper asks you and you nod, having just taken a bite of the pasta in front of you. 

“It’s always been her favorite subject. If Betty hadn’t made her put her book down the first day I met them, I don’t think I would have gotten a word out of her. But then again, Harry Potter is addictive, so it makes sense.” You shoot Astrid a look, for spilling all the beans about you.

“Tony mentioned you were a reader. Something about his cards are buying more fiction then they probably ever have.” Pepper’s hand pats his as she throws a smile in his direction. “That’s probably a good thing. Some people in this place could take some breaks for reading every now and then.”

“That’s unfair. I do read.” Tony almost whines from next to her.

“Something other than manuals and physics books?” Pepper teases. Maybe this is what Natasha meant by she doesn’t put up with Tony’s shit? She calls him out on things? You can’t help but think to yourself as you watch the interaction. Her attention turns back to you. “What are you reading right now?”

“Once and Always.” Tony says as you give your own answer.

“For school or for fun?” Then you turn and look at him. “No, I’m not. I finished that like two days ago.”

“You weren’t even halfway done with it.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” You shrug.

“How about both?” Pepper asks, returning to your question.

“I have to finish A Tree Grows In Brooklyn and write an essay on it before the end of the first week of school, so I’m working on that. And for fun, I just started Love, Simon. And I’m loving it.”

“What’s Love, Simon about?” Pepper seems genuinely interested, but do you tell her the plot and possibly out yourself in front of the all of the Avengers? Especially when some of them like Steve had lived in a time when being bi was really not ok?

“It’s a contemporary of sorts. It’s kind of better to go into it not knowing a lot.” You decide to skimp on explanations and play it safe.

“Well if it you end up enjoying it all the way through, let me know. I’m always looking for a good next read.” Pepper says with a smile.

“Uh sure.” You’re almost surprised that she’s interested in what you’re reading. Nana and Pops always supported you reading whatever you wanted, but they had their own genres to read. 

“What do you think of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn?” Steve asks from across the table.

“Boring.” Astrid says with a smirk. “I skimmed enough of it to write my paper.”

“I like the writing style. That’s why I’m taking my time with it.” You admit. “If I really wanted to, I could sit down and finish it in a couple hours. It reminds me of my first time reading To Kill A Mockingbird.”

“If you like those you should give The Secret Lives of Bees and The Poisonwood Bible a try.” Steve suggests before taking a bite of his own plate of pasta.

“You’re just suggesting those because you love those. If she’s a reader she should go with some of the real classics. War and Peace. Anna Karenina. Real Russian novels.” Natasha suggests with her fork enunciating her words. Betty and Astrid can’t help but laugh. All the Avengers turn to look at the teenagers, who seem to be laughing at one of the world’s deadliest assassins. Astrid tries to stifle her giggles, but Betty falls silent.

“Sorry Miss Widow, it’s just Y/N has already read both and loved them. But she read them back a couple of years ago and the school got mad at her for not reading at grade level.” Tony turns to look at you.

“You got in trouble for reading a big Russian novel in middle school?”

“Elementary school.” You correct him. “They didn’t think a 1200 word novel was the right reading experience for a fifth grader.”

“Yeah I’m never going to doubt she’s Tony’s kid.” Clint says before stuffing some pasta in his mouth.

“You read War and Peace at ten?” Natasha asks. You think about it for a moment and then nod. 

“Yeah and followed with Anna Karenina, A Confession, The Death of Ivan Ilych, and Resurrection. I went through a Leo Tolstoy phase at that point.” Your eyes drop to your plate as everyone else’s eyes are on you. You push some of the veggies around your plate.

“Our teacher, Mr. Balton, hated it because he couldn’t get mad at Y/N because she was still getting all of her work done and she had the highest grades in our class. Even tried to say she was a distraction to the rest of the class, but when she’s just silently reading, he doesn’t have any pull. He even threw her book across the classroom one day, because he was pissed that she was reading so far above her grade level. And instead of exploding at him, Y/N stood up, walked across the room, picked up the book, sat back down, flipped it back open to where she was and started reading again.”

“Your teacher threw your book?”

“He wasn’t the greatest. It was public school.” You shrug, as Astrid had just explained one of the roughest school years of your life. Mr. Balton tried to make your life a living hell. 

“I’m going to find him and-” Tony mutters.

“He got fired.” Betty adds. “He had issues with a lot of the students and was very prone to throwing things.” Betty pauses, and you can almost hear the story she’s not telling. Your head pops up and you catch her eyes. “Anyway…” She turns to change the subject.

“Betty you’re not going to tell the story that got him fired?” Astrid says around a mouthful of pasta and your hand flies over her mouth. 

“I don’t think we need to share that story.”

“I think we definitely do.” Tony’s voice comes from the other side of Pepper, firm and less teasing than other nights at dinner. 

“Betty, why don’t you tell us about your science paper?” You suggest, knowing that if Tony hears the story, someone will blow a gasket. Most likely him. It shows how badly the public schooling system was, and Pops and Nana had already blown a fuse over it. You didn’t need Tony Stark getting upset over something that happened four years ago.

“I’m more interested in learning about what got your teacher fired.” Tony repeats. “Astrid?”

“I’m good Mr. Stark. I don’t think I was even there the day it happened.” Astrid says before pushing some pasta into her mouth.

“Betty?”

“I’m not even sure which incident you’re talking about sir.” If anything, your two best friends would have your back no matter what. The rest of the table has gone silent. Tony could go into a rage over things that had happened last week. They all had suspicions based on the fact that you wouldn’t let your friends tell the story. If it was something from four years ago that you were worried about him losing it over, you probably had good reason to be worried.

“Y/N?”

“Tony?”

“How did your teacher get fired.” His words come out harsh.

“Why do you really want to know?” You challenge.

“I think you know exactly why I want to know.”

“Tony, is now really the time?” Pepper asks, a hand draping over his.

“Pep-”

“Fine, you really want to know. This is why.” You pull your hair back to show a six inch scar that is hidden by your hair normally.

“What the hell is that.”

“That is what happens when someone throws scissors across a classroom at your head.”

“He threw scissors? At your head?” Tony’s words are spoken through a clenched jaw.

“He did. And had you been there, you could have joined Nana and Pops in their outrage. But four years ago you were off doing your own thing. So… moving on.” You lift your fork to your lips as the rest of the room barely breathes.

“Why?” Tony’s words are almost silent.

“Why what?”

“Why did he throw scissors at you?”

“Because I was reading. I was reading Resurrection and he said no kid my age should be reading a 500 page book while there are kids who could barely do their multiplication tables. And he wanted to make his point. And the closest thing to him was a pair of scissors.”

“I’ll make sure he can never teach again.”

“He can’t. At least not in the state of New York. I doubt anywhere else either. He assaulted a minor. That goes on like police record shit.” 

“I should have been there.”

“You didn’t know.” You try to be more mature than you feel in this moment. “You are now. Next time something happens. You’ll be there, I hope.”

“I will.” His arm wraps around Pepper to grasp your shoulder. “I’m here for you from now on.”

tags:  @persephonehemingway  @iamaunicorn4704  @furiouspockettoad  @daughter-of-stark  @eternalharry  @huntective-kyeo

[jalapeno-princess]

In Between the Lines

Librarian Jinyoung X Reader

Word Count: 2k

Genre: Fluff

Summary: Jinyoung is a librarian at your university’s library and you visit the library quite often. The two of you develop crushes on each other but you are both shy to confess to one another. 

A/N: I rushed while writing this so I’m sorry if it sucks but I hope you enjoy it anon!

“Jackson, I don’t care that we’re friends, that isn’t going to stop me from bothering you about returning “To Kill a Mockingbird”. It’s four months overdue man, where is it? I’m tired of having to come up with excuses for you. I don’t understand why you borrowed it in the first place. I bet you haven’t even read it once since you checked it out.” 

The older boy scoffed at his librarian friend while crossing his arms in disbelief. “I did too read it! It’s about killing a mockingbird. Duh. The title practically gives away the entire story. Fine, I’ll be honest. I’ve been meaning to bring it back for the longest time but I misplaced it just a few days ago. I’m sure it’s under the pile of dirty clothes I never end up washing—hey Park Jinyoung! Are you even listening? What are you looking at—oh. God dude, can you make it anymore obvious that you like y/n? Stop staring at her, it’s creepy. Everybody and their mothers know that you have a huge crush on her. I’m sure even she knows. You leave the library open an hour later just so you can continue gawking at her just hurry up and tell her how you feel already—I swear to God Jinyoung—“ he took his hand off of Jackson’s mouth and sent his outspoken friend a death defying glare. 

“Shhhhhh! This is why my manager keeps threatening to ban you from coming here. You’re always so loud. Keep it down would you? To kill a mockingbird has nothing to do with a damn bird so return the damn book by tomorrow or I’m sending you a bill. And can you be any more louder about my feelings for y/n? If she didn’t know before, she probably knows now you loud mouth. This is why nobody tells you anything. Now get out of here.” Jackson scoffed sarcastically and stuck his tongue out before waving to Jinyoung and taking his leave. 

To be quite honest, Jinyoung couldn’t give less of a shit over the missing book. Matter of a fact, he never really understood why he applied to be a librarian at his university’s library. Sure he loved reading, and the library was an extremely quiet place. That was unless one of his friends paid him an unwanted visit. He never had much to do other than to check out books, put back returned books, search through the computer if a student was looking for a specific book and to call people if their books were overdue. It was an easy job and the pay was decent considering he hardly ever did anything but sit there and watch reruns of Friends. 

At one point, he even contemplated on quitting so he could focus on his studies but that all changed the first time his eyes landed on you. He didn’t notice you walk in to the library but his eyes never left your figure once when you first approached him to ask where you could find “The Great Gatsby”. 

Whenever someone would ask Jinyoung where they could find a book, he would just motion them towards the shelf. However, when he found himself getting up and motioning for you to follow him as he made his way down a few rows of books, he knew he was in trouble. You were shy and soft spoken, two traits that caught his attention as soon as you began talking to him. He was quick to pick up on the crack in your voice and the redness that rose on your cheeks and he thought it was the most adorable thing ever. 

As soon as he led you to the literature section, there was something inside of him that didn’t want to leave your presence just yet. “This is actually one of my favorite books. Are you required to read it for a class or are you just reading it to read it?” 

You scrunched your nose while shaking your head and Jinyoung could’ve sworn he’s never seen anything cuter. “I’ve been actually wanting to read it for a while now, but I never had the chance to. Luckily, we have to write a six page essay about it for my English class.” 

He hummed in acknowledgment. “Have you seen the movie? It’s an actual shit show if you ask me. It’s nothing like the book. I don’t think any movie does any justice for the novel it’s based on.” You giggled softly on how irritated he seemed when talking about the movie. He opened his mouth to continue but then he felt a vibration in his pocket. “I’m needed at the front desk. It was nice meeting you—um—“ he scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. How could he not have learned your name before talking nonsense to you?

“Y/n. My name is y/n.” He gave you a gentle smile before slowly making his way towards the front. 

“Nice meeting you y/n. Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions. You know where to find me! Happy reading!” Once he took his seat back at the counter, he face palmed himself and groaned in frustration. Happy reading? Who says that? He felt like such an awkward loser but he knew it was because he didn’t know how to act around you. 

Park Jinyoung wasn’t one to get involved with girls. He was always so focused on his studies, his job and his pet rabbit that he never had the time for any sort of relationship. Nobody ever caught his eye before. However, he couldn’t get the image of your pretty little face out of his mind. 

From that day on, Jinyoung made it his goal to try and talk to you every time you came in to the library. To his delight, you seemed to frequent the library quite often and you’d always stop by the front desk to say hi to Jinyoung before going to study or find a book to read. Jinyoung would put books away as an excuse to talk with you and whenever he felt like the conversation was flowing well between the two of you, he would completely forget the task at hand and give you his full attention. 

Unfortunately, Jinyoung was a coward and could never build up the guts to tell you how he felt, leaving the two of you in an awkward position. You weren’t necessarily friends, no matter how badly the two of you wanted to be but you weren’t exactly strangers either. In your short talks together, you learned quite a lot about the mysterious and extremely handsome librarian. He was a law major trying to save enough money to open up his own book store. His favorite show was Parks and Recreations, he liked going to the beach when it was storming out and swam in the rain, his favorite color was navy blue and he was allergic to broccoli. 

You enjoyed spending as much time with him as you could but you didn’t understand what it meant. Something about the way he listened to you and looked at you like you were some kind of marvel as you explained your obsession with Keanu Reeves caused you to grow more and more curious about Jinyoung and it made your heart desire things you know you shouldn’t be wanting. 

The more you developed feelings for him, the harder it was going to the library and seeing him knowing that you wanted more than just the simple hellos and small talk in between the bookshelves. It’s been months since your first initial meeting and he’s done nothing to make a move on you, so you felt as if he didn’t see you that way and you accepted it for what it was. 

Right after Jackson left, Jinyoung couldn’t help but think about his words. Was it obvious that he had feelings for you? Were you aware of it? And how did you feel about him? Jinyoung wanted nothing more than to be the one you went running to whenever life got hard. Every time you would bring up how rough your day was going, he wanted to be the one to make it better. He wanted to take you out on cute little dates, stay up talking to you on the phone, hold you in his arms while looking at the sunset, learn more about your likes, dislikes, and he wanted to know how it felt to be loved by someone. By you.

He’s found himself multiple times reading excerpts from books that reminded him of you and the way your smile would light up the room. There were occasions where he would even highlight passages in some of the libraries’ books that reminded him of you and it got to the point where his manager was having him look for the culprit. As he began to come up with ways to ask you out, he didn’t even notice what time it was until you approached the desk. 

“Hey.” His breath hitched at the sight of you. You pulled out your hair from the bun it was in earlier and Jinyoung couldn’t help but stare at you in all your beauty. Whenever you would come in to the library, your hair was always in in either a braid, bun or ponytail. This was the first time he got to see how your hair framed your pretty face and he was on the verge of a breakdown. You felt self conscious under his stare and waved your hand in front of his face to break him out of his reverie and smiled to yourself when you noticed the blush that was now on his cheeks. 

“Hi, sorry. I um—sorry.” You giggled as you gave him the book you were holding. “Ah, Looking for Alaska. A great choice. The movie just came out a few weeks ago.” There he was again, telling you about the book’s movie. Whenever you went to borrow a book, if there was a movie for it, he’d always bring it up and you always wanted for him to lead it in to more. 

“Have you seen it?” He shook his head in disagreement. 

“Nope. I’ve been wanting to though.” With the confidence you didn’t know you were capable of, you spoke up, finally making your move on the handsome boy in front of you. If he didn’t harbor the same feelings for you, then you’d accept it for what it was and just stop going to the library altogether. But you wouldn’t know how the older boy felt if you didn’t ask. The worst thing he could do was say he didn’t feel the same. You could feel your heart rate increase as you began to think about what you would say to him, but the words just fell out before your mind could process them.

“Would you maybe want to watch it together sometime?”

Jinyoung could’ve sworn his heart was about to jump out of his chest at your offer. Did this mean what he could only hope and dream that it meant? “Yes! Ah—I mean I’d love to—sure—God what is going on with me today—“ the gentle kiss that was placed on his cheek made him freeze. 

“I like you, Park Jinyoung. And a little birdie might or might not have told me you like me too.”

The idea of Jackson telling you of his feelings for you made his blood boil, but he wasn’t going to let his now negative feelings for his friend ruin the moment with you that he’s been dreaming of for months. “I uh—that might be true—it is true—why can’t I form actual sentences—I like you a lot y/n. More than I’m willing to admit if I’m being honest and I’m sorry it took so long. But I’d be happy if you’d let me take you out on a date.” 

You beamed up at him while nodding in agreement and before you knew it, he exited the counter and made his way towards you. 

“Oh, and that cute little peck isn’t going to cut it.” 

As you were about to ask him what he meant, his lips were on yours. He brought his hands up to your face and cupped your cheeks while molding your lips together. His lips were chapped and rough against yours, but you loved how it felt as if your body was in flames by the ministration. Every time he would talk with you, you’d find yourself absentmindedly staring at his pretty, pouty lips and wanted nothing more than to experience what they felt like against yours. Now that you’ve had a taste, you didn’t think you’d ever be able to get enough.

“You know y/n, we can skip the date and we can just make out in here all night.” 

You playfully shoved his arm to prevent him from seeing the effect he was having on you. He squeezed your hips while leaving soft, chaste kisses on the juncture of your neck. The feeling of how close your bodies were together as he continued showing love to your body was driving you to the brink of insanity and earned Jinyoung a breathy moan. 

“Shhhh baby, we’re in a library remember? You’re going to have to keep it down. Keep the volume up and I’m just going to have to teach you a lesson.”

[loismagic]

After reading your tags I’m dying to know your opinion on Bloe Sullivan. I can’t stand her or her jealousy/possessiveness when it comes to Lois relationship with Clark.

lmfaooooo WELL ahem *cracks knuckles* in this essay, I will- nah but she’s the absolute worst. She annoyed me from day 1. I used to watch the show back in 2004+ for a bit (casually) and then (re)watched it a few months back and my god- she IRRITATED ME SO MUCH. And that didn’t change. She has maybe done like- a few good things. Giving Lois Clark’s vows, telling Clark to ask himself what he wanted in Crossfire, and saved Lois. But that’s about it lmao This might me long so I’m going to put the rest under a cut...

I always thought she guilted Clark into liking her back in season 1, leading him to ask her to the dance and kiss her. She was jealous of Lana for just hanging around Clark, felt oddly possessive of Clark. And of course my poor sweet man just- felt like he needed to show her he cared? It was so toxic fuck. So, that will always irritate me. Her- oh Clark you have eyes for Lana but not me?? But I’m always there for you, I do it alll for you Clark can’t you see???!! And she keeps that entitled attitude for the rest of the series.

I also thought it was the dumbest thing when- just as I thought she was getting over him loll- she cornered and kissed him in the s5 finale because she thought the world was ending like no wtf.

ALSO the time she got infected by kryptonite and had the power to bring out the truth in people and THE FIRST THING SHE ASKED CLARK WAS HIS SECRET. Goddamn it Chloe this is why you never win. 

And then oh- when Lois comes and she gets that look ™ on her face during the dunk tank scene. It’s amazing because Avril is playing in the background and Clois might as well be reciting their vows in front of Smallville high. She looked like a kicked puppy (narrator: well she was a bitch so).

Then Hex comes along and honestly, side note real quick: Erica absolutely nailed playing Chloe except a more tolerable one because lol duh it's Erica. But anyway, the notion that she was so damn jealous of Lois because she got this amazing career- the one that she had been working toward since high school because the Torch was her’s™. SHE WAS THE ONE TO TELL LOIS SHE SHOULD WRITE LMAO like bitch it’s not her fault she just was so natural at it?? And she did it all without poking her nose in people’s business when it wasn’t right or ethical (ahem like all the times Chloe guilted Clark about his secret and cornered him about it, and let me note Chloe asked LOIS about what she’d do if she found out a secret about someone and thus only heeded said advice because my wonderful Lois told her she wouldn’t say anything and just be there to support... which is exactly what we saw Lois do when she found out about Clark).

phew. anyway. Hex- she might have been glad or whatever to be back to herself, but it was such an insight to her petty jealous ass. And then you have of course her jealousy come out when Clark tells her that he’s been confiding in Lois as the blur and she gets that once more kicked bitch face. 

Enter season 9 and her “stay away from her, you mean?” “Lois means something to you, something more”. I thank the lord and the sv writers for those lines forever and a day, but man, the jealousy jumped out again lmao It doesn’t matter if it was Jimmy (rip my sweet OG Clois shipper who never got to see them together and deserved more- also another side note to their convo in Crimson at the Talon when Chloe doesn’t think Clois should be set up when she so obviously saw a connection between them back in 4.03 lol).

And it doesn’t matter if she was with Oliver either (again boy deserved more and she could’ve learned a lesson from him on how to fucking let go and move on). Chloe alwayysssss hated being second fiddle to whatever other girl was in Clark’s life. It doesn’t matter when it’s LOIS her own flesh and blood who- my god I will always think that Lois never pursued anything with Clark since day 1 was because she knew of Chloe’s (obsessive unhealthy) crush with Clark. She even cleared the path for Lana too. Again, Chloe could learn a damn thing or two. Lois was the better cousin times a million and one.

Okay, I keep going off tangent but there’s just A LOT. But my point is that Chloe would always be jealous of everyone who became Clark’s #1 confidant. And when that became Lois- fuck, she couldn’t be supportive. Maybe slightly a few times, but it was- ugh you could always see it in her face, the way she said things. Like she resented her own cousin- who would literally die for her pathetic ass- because she had a better more natural connection to Clark.

Chloe will always hate not ever being good enough for Clark. When I was (re)watching Smallville, I remember how I kept thinking- my god PLEASE let her get over him already. And even when she moved onto Jimmy or Oliver, there was such a residual- possessive nature about her friendship with him. And as always, Clark was just too good to tell her off or anything.

In conclusion: Lois was the better cousin and deserved more than that hot mess. Clark deserved more than a “friend” who guilt tripped him for over a decade into liking her, choosing her, and for pretty much anything and everything because “I dO iT aLL fOr YoU ClaRk”. 

I’m so thankful for how the writers juxtaposed her toxic ass to Lois- who not once guilted Clark, didn’t pursue Clark when Chloe and Lana were remote possibilities/in the picture in some way. She didn’t make him tell her his secret, she waited until he told her, and she just accepted the whole of him without ever making him feel guilty or cornering him because she “did everything for him”. She was a mature ass adult who was selfless in her love for him. Prophecy’s ending where Lois cries and tells Clark she can’t marry him because him saving the world was more important and she couldn’t stand in the way of that... Chloe could never.

Anyway. That was a long hot mess lmao.