#god okay. I'm back where i started. this time i took anxiety meds though

[sergle]

Okay- I've started Part 2 of my Detittification Saga!!

Reblogs would be appreciated!! I'm going to get these thangs off if it kills me.

If it helps with scale, here's my bra:

[hiemaldesirae]

Swap AU:

Charlie and Vaggie both know That Vox is there on Lucifer's behalf, but once they see Vox freak out because of Alastor's Shadow (Alastor took over the Shadow and was gently petting Vox's rabbit ears (just how sleepy Vox likes it), before he spoke through the radio to Vox, saying I love you.) Causing the overlord to have a panic attack and blow the power in half of pride. So Vaggie actually gets pretty overprotective of Vox, seeing Alastor as Vox's Adam.

This panic attack is also what allows Husker and Vox to setup their contracted souls and they start building outside of the hotel. Little restaurants, and a gambling joint (where the biggest prize is TVs you don't have to rent, which Charlie thinks is pretty awesome. Not even Nobles have their own TVs, so this will definitely bring in the spotlight for the hotel!) One of the surviving contracted souls of Vox's is a goetia, who can go to earth, and Vox uses them have the hotel offer earthly goods.

At the overlord meeting...since the remaining Vees are contracted Overlords, they aren't invited. Only Alastor and Rosie can come for the Entertainment District and Cannibal town. Vox is on a high dose of (I think it's Xanax they give you for this? I know it's what they gave me to take during my flights because of the anxiety for flying so I'm guessing it may be the same idk) meds so he can get through the meeting unfortunately, Husker can only sit on one of his sides....Who takes the other seat beside Vox? Why Alastor of course.

Who catches Vox's hand with his own under the table, giving it a squeeze and rubbing his thumb over Vox's pulse point in his wrist while Carmilla talks.

While Husk brings up the Angel's head, and points out it could be the cause of the second extermination coming up, Vox is beginning to slowly freak out. He's glad when Carmilla and Zestial say the meeting is over, and he stands up about to jerk his hand away--when Alastor kisses it, murmuring "I'm sorry, my beloved. I'll see you soon." And Husk hisses, grabbing Vox and they hurry back to the hotel.

Vox leaves the lights on in his room that night, but it doesn't stop Alastor from visiting, and covering his precious picture box up with the softest blanket he can conjure....and he also spots the large Cyan scar on Vox's chest, and tears fill the deer demons eyes--he hadn't ment too, he thinks claws digging into his palms. Never you Vox....it'll never happen again. Once I have your soul under my hand no one will hurt you again...myself included. You'll be safe right beside me, where you belong.

oh my GOD vaggie and vox friendship theyre so precious to me <3 wait okay so does al like. send his shadow to the hotel since they cant really get rid of it anyway and they dont know yet that al can posess his shadow ? or what is really going on here im a little lost sorry. the image of al taking the opportunity to stay close to vox when hes in his most vulnerable state just kinda scratches something in my brain though... hes SUCHHH a freak about it all get a JOB stay away from him

OH !!! thats so cool. wait so before that did they just like. have nothing at all lmfao?? cause vox was hiding away or something? cause i dont know if i can image the hotel looking like the shabby rundown mess it was in the show considering the Gambling and Media overlords are here to help run it lmfao. also a GOETIA? my god,, by jove how did that happen

oh this is. oh thats so.... URhrgdhjkfd... the fact that alastors idea of love and posession is so warped that he can only think of owning voxs soula s a means to keep him safe... and he regrets it all so much but its not something that he can ever properly express because he knows vox wouldnt listen and would just try to run away again... im gonna be SICK nonny dont do this to me. i hate ithere

AND YOU DIDNT ANSWER MY QUESTION LAST TIME ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THEY GET A HAPPY ENDING !!!!!! :sob: im so scared nonny i really am what are you doing with them....

[vulpine111]

I just woke up and this is something that comes back to haunt me a lot, still. (Even years later.)

I remember while I was recovering from living in and out of wards at the mental home, I was out of it to the extent I had an unrealistic idea of when I'd die. This was due to an HPV diagnosis and a biopsy where they found abnormal cells. I wasn't sure if I would die while under anesthesia for the procedure to burn off the start of cervical cancer or how good my kidneys still were after prior attempts to end it all.

It can also take years to fully bounce back from the level of psychosis I suffered. I was still low-key psychotic at that place because the meds they had me on were sub par and my dad was trying to say I'm not "allowed" to advocate for myself and try something that might work better.

Due to fear/anxiety, I asked one of my then friends something rather rude. Basically, if I could stay with her. I didn't think it would be for long either. I just needed someone to agree that their address was where I was headed to prevent the mental home from filling out a missing person's report. I didn't want to just rot there.

It was an inappropriate question which I am wholeheartedly sorry for, but I still don't understand why she took it muchly out of context and cut ties with me. She went a step further to insult me and my character before doing it too.

I was dealing with a lot of emotional abuse from my parents at the time. My mother fed into my fears. When I explained I wanted to be buried here in New Mexico, she said I "wasn't coming home." I was going to be cremated and sent to some plot she owns in Ohio because I'm not even worth the cost or time a proper funeral entails.

In such a vulnerable state, I don't know how to fully explain how much it messed with my head to be treated like some irredeemable, worthless monster who doesn't truly care for anyone or even deserve the courtesy of having my remains handled as I wish.

I do care about other people. I care about everyone at least a little bit. Even people I don't understand.

When I'm psychotic, I don't, though! Why? Cuz I ain't there! I wish people wouldn't take it personally, but it can be hard not to if you've never been mentally compromised, I suppose. I basically just didn't have the "room" to care.

The capacity. The bandwidth. Whatever you want to call it. It wasn't there because I was depleted from my brain doing what it does instead of work the way it's supposed to.

I understand (to outsiders) psychosis is disturbing to deal with over the years, but imagine how it must feel for the person going through it. I tried to explain all this to her, but she wouldn't hear me.

She said, "Psychosis sucks but it isn't a reason to be nice to you."

As if we schizophrenics are sub-human and less worthy of compassion. It still hurts, okay? It hurts. It hurts I was dismissed about something I can't even help and am doing my best to manage. Psychosis doesn't just "suck." It's devastating.

Many people still demonize and stigmatize me for what I've been through even though they wouldn't last one day in my shoes and I'm just tired. Sometimes, the grief eats at me and I cry.

It's a huge burden to carry and I don't comprehend why God gave it to me while depriving me of what I hoped to have by now.

Some people are lucky. Their lives are full. I wish my life was like theirs. They have careers, partners, homes, pets, and other blessings I wish I had. This friend who dropped me is way more fortunate than I've ever been.

She has a family. A husband. A house. An education. A job and the ability to hold that job. She's appreciated and loved in ways I probably never will be.

The least she could have done was be there for me while I try and pick up the pieces of my shattered psyche, but after a while, people get sick of tolerating the poor pathetic mental patient.

I wish God had dealt me a better hand.

It's not fair.

[halsteadlover]

The Fear of Losing You

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Pregnant!Reader.

• Requested by @unknownlullaby: Jay and pregnant!reader are married and reader works at MED. One day ambulance 61 comes in with Jay. He is not seriously wounded but when reader heard he was brought in she assumed the worst. She storms into his room and they argue. Something about him being reckless and her being worried. Bit of a mix of fluff and angst. Would LOVE to read something like that - LOVE ALL YOUR WORK DARLING🤍🤍🤍

• Warnings: slight mention of injuries and bruises, some bad words.

• Word count: 2439.

• A/N: I'm sorry for any mistake, I hope this turned out okay. I'll never stop thanking you guys for every like, reblog and comment, thank you so much. Sending lots of love, stay safe out there 💞

When you got pregnant you knew that working as a doctor would be difficult, you always said that to all your patients but now, seven months pregnant, everything you really felt was nowhere near what you imagined the first few months. No manual, no book had prepared you for those hormonal changes, nausea, swollen feet, back pain and absurd hunger.

It was a Tuesday morning and you were at Med’s to start preparing maternity leave papers and you were actually looking forward to being able to stay home and rest, even though you knew you were really going to miss work.

Later that evening, you were in the break room eating an apple and talking to April, your hand caressing your belly, when Maggie walked in, a less than happy expression on her face. You knew that look very well, it was the look you gave patients or their relatives when bad news had to be communicated.

“Maggie what happened?” you asked her, your brows furrowed as you looked at her.

“Nothing serious Y/N but maybe it’s better if you sit down…”

“Maggie just tell me what's going on!” you exclaimed, your heart racing. You were going insane as you prayed with all of strength that it wasn’t what you were thinking it was.

“Y/N” April intervened placing a hand on your shoulder but you shook it away.

“Maggie,” you said with a cold and firm tone, as you waited for an answer.

She took a deep sigh before answering and it took just one name for all your fears to come true. “Jay...” the apple slipped from your hands and fell to the ground as you felt the world collapse on you.

You didn't even let her finish the sentence as you rushed out of the break room, ignoring April and Maggie calling out your name. Each step was as if you had a boulder on your shoulders and never as then time seemed to stop. You felt like your heart was about to come out of your chest, anxiety gripping your stomach, your hands trembling as you continued to project the worst possible and imaginable scenarios in your mind. You prayed with every fiber of your being that it wasn’t this case, that your Jay was okay.

God please let him be okay.

You were looking around trying to find the room where Jay was when you heard his unmistakable voice.

“Connor I’m fine, let me go” he said as he was sitting, his back resting on the back of the bed after Connor finished medicate him “Just please don’t tell Y/N I’m here, she’s going to freak out and I don’t want to worry her.”

“Don’t tell who?!” you snapped open the curtains.

“Oh, oh,” Connor said, glancing between you and your husband. A wave of relief flooded you when, at first glance, you noticed that he had no visible bleeding wounds.

“What the fuck happened?!” you exclaimed angrily and Jay was sure as hell that if it wasn’t the chase of that criminal that killed him, your glare would have.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Connor said but you didn’t even look at him, your gaze fixed on Jay.

“Baby I'm…” he started to speak but you stopped him, raising your hand. You approached the bed and as Jay watched you carefully and cautiously, you placed two fingers on his chin to inspect his face. He had bruises, one above his right eyebrow, another on his cheekbone as well as a cut on his lower lip. Your heart hitched at the sight of those bruises, God only knew how much you hated to see him like that. You noticed a bandage around his arm and at that point a sigh escaped your lips.

“Y/N I’m fine I swear…”

“Don’t,” you cut him off, your tone cold and calm. You wanted so much to yell and scream but you wanted to stay calm for your baby, stress wasn’t good for both of you. “Don’t even start Jay. Tell me what the hell happened.”

Jay never saw you like this and he didn’t what was worse, if you yelling at him or this cold expression you had on your face. “I was chasing a suspect and we had a fight, I fell off a balcony…”

You walked away from him, your hands on your face as you snorted, not wanting to hear those words even though that was what you asked. You remained silent as you tried to take deep breaths and fight the tears that threatened to come out your eyes.

“Y/N look at me, talk to me please” Jay said with a worried tone.

“No Jay I don’t want to talk to you!” you snapped, turning your head and looking at him with an angry look.

“Why?”

“Why? Are you fucking serious?” you asked with a shocked look on your face. Did he really ask why?

“Y/N I don’t get why you’re so angry, I was just doing my job.”

“Doing your job doesn’t mean you have to jump off a fucking balcony!”

“My job is chase a catch criminals, don’t act like you didn’t know that, this is not even the first time why are you making such a big deal?!”

“That’s the fucking point!” you angrily said “This is the fourth time they rushed you here in ambulance this month! You’re being reckless Jay don’t you see it?!”

“I’m not being reckless what the hell are you talking about? That’s my job and it can be dangerous sometimes…”

“Don’t even start with this bullshit, you know damn well what I’m talking about,” you snapped “You jump off balcony or in front off a bullet, you chase suspects without wearing your vest and you don’t think about what you’re doing not even once! Sure as hell you’re being reckless!”

“What should I think about?! These are moments where I have to act not reflect Y/N…”

“Are you serious Jay? What should you think about?” you asked. Your eyes filled with tears as you found a hard time to believe his words. “You should think about your wife and about your child! Don’t you think about us? Don’t you think your reckless action could make your child an orphan before he is even born? That’s not important for you?!” you almost yelled, your voice now broken as tears rolled down your cheeks.

Jay felt his heart break to see you like that and in that moment everything went into the background. Fuck, nothing was more important to him than you and his baby and if he did what he did it was just for you, to make that city a little safer for his child, to try to make the world a better place for his family. He just wanted you to be safe but he didn't realize that in the meantime he was neglecting himself and the thought leaving you alone or leaving his son without a father killed him.

Jay got out of bed, heedless of the pain, and walked over to hug you but you stopped him, dodging from his grasp. “No! Don't touch me!”

The look of pain that appeared on his face broke your heart. “Baby please don't cry, you both are the most important thing in my life you know it, don't ever doubt this,” when you remained silent he continued to speak at that point, a boulder on his chest “You don't doubt it, right?”

You sniffed, looking down at the ground. “Yes Jay, I'm starting to doubt it” you said and the physical pain he felt from his injuries was in no way comparable to what your words caused.

“I don't know what's wrong with you but since the beginning of the pregnancy you started acting recklessly at work, it almost seems like you don't care, you constantly throw yourself into dangerous situations...” you said drying your tears.

“Absolutely not! Fuck, you both are the best thing that ever happened to me how could you even think I don't care?”

“I’m tired Jay, I'm tired of waking up every morning and praying that you’ll come back home safe and sound, I’m constantly afraid that they’ll call me to tell me that you are dead and I don't want this,” you cried “I don’t my son to live with this fear that one day his father won’t come back.”

Jay knew what you were about to say and just the thought made him break into millions of pieces. He couldn’t imagine a life without you, without his baby, he just couldn’t.

“No, no, no, no don’t even say it okay? I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry for making you feel like this I promise I’ll be more careful, I won’t leave you…”

“You always say that,” you managed to say through the tears.

Jay walked over to you and with his free hand wiped away the tears that kept rolling down you cheeks. “Please baby don’t cry I hate seeing you like this,” he whispered “I’m sorry I… I’ll leave the job if you’ll tell me to, I just want to be with you.”

“No Jay, I would never ask you that, I know how much you love being a cop and I don’t even want to do it because I love you and I love what you do,” you said “I’m asking you to be careful, to think about us too, I… I’m just afraid to lose you.”

Jay wrapped his arm around you and hugged you as tightly as possible, being careful not to press too hard on your belly. You returned the hug, wanting nothing more than to lose yourself in his arms, the place that most made you feel good and safe.

“You won’t lose me baby, I’ll always stay with you,” he whispered “God, I love you so much.”

“I love you too. I’m so glad you’re okay I’m sorry I snapped like that.”

“You had every right baby. I'm so sorry I made you worry so much, it’s just… I want to keep both of you safe.”

“I know,” you whispered “And you’re doing a great job, I’m proud of you.”

Jay broke away from the embrace only to place his hand on your cheek and press his lips to yours, expressing in that kiss all the love he felt for you.

He looked at you in confusion as you broke away from the kiss. “Your lip…”

“It doesn’t hurt I promise,” he said before letting you finish your sentence “Just let me kiss you”. You gave him a smile and he kissed you again, your hands on his chest as they gently stroked him.

“Are you okay?” he asked when you suddenly broke away from the kiss again. Panic assaulted him as he saw a slight painful expression appear on your face and your hands touching your baby bump. “Baby talk to me please, what’s going on? Do I have to call Will?” he mumbled but you stopped him before he could leave the room.

“It’s okay, he’s just kicking” you said, giving Jay a smile as your hands rubbed your belly. Despite your reassurance, his concern did not go away, on the contrary, it seemed to increase.

“Are you sure? God it’s my fault, I stressed you out … If anything happens… Oh god my baby. No I’m calling Will.”

“Baby stop!” you exclaimed amused by his expression “Give me your hand.”

He nodded and held out his hand towards you, which you placed on your belly. Your hand was still on his as you directed it to where your baby was kicking and the surprised expression that appeared on his face when he felt the kick was something you wanted to capture forever. No matter how many times Jay felt him kick in your womb, the joy and happiness it brought him would always be the same, if not higher.

You saw Jay leave a sigh of relief, the panic he felt before was slightly gone.

“He’s just telling you he agrees with his mom” you said, a smile on your lips as you looked at the way Jay’s eyes sparkled.

Jay made him kneel in front of you but you stopped him. “Jay be careful, you are still injured.”

“I’m okay darling, I just want to talk to my son,” he said before kneeling, his hand resting on your belly as he kissed it at the top of your uniform.

“Hey buddy I’m sorry for making you and mom mad, I promise it won’t happen again,” he whispered “But don’t kick her too hard okay? You can take revenge on me once you come out,” you felt your heart melt in front of that sight and your eyes fill with tears, but this time for joy “It looks like you’re gonna be a great footballer.”

“Or he’s gonna kick asses and doors like his father” you said and Jay giggled.

“Sure as hell he will.” He looked up at you and the smile he had on his face was immediately replaced by concern as soon as he saw you cry and at that point he stood up again, his hand caressing your face. “Hey, hey, hey, why are you crying? Did I say something wrong? Are you hurt?”

“No,” you said smiling through the tears and shaking your head “It’s just the hormones, they don’t give me any break.”

“Oh baby, come here” he said wrapping his arm around your shoulder and holding you in a warm hug.

“You’ll be a great father,” you whispered, his head resting on his chest as you hugged him tightly.

“And you’re gonna be an amazing mom, the most amazing and sexy.”

“I love you,” you said before giving him a quick kiss “And now get your ass back to bed.”

“Oh no I’m fine baby I swear, I was really hoping you could get me out.”

“Did I stutter?” you asked, crossing your arms across your chest and raising an eyebrow as you stared at him.

“Please Y/N…” he said with puppy eyes.

“Jay, you don’t want to make me angry again don’t you? You know the stress isn’t good for the baby.”

Jay snorted loudly before rolling his eyes and returning to bed, bringing a victorious smile on your lips. “You’re so lucky I love you both to death.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” you said.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jay asked with a frown on his face when he saw you were about to leave.

“Back to work maybe?” you stated ironically.

“Get your sexy ass back there, I’m not done chatting with my baby yet.”

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Masterlist

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[pokeheadcannons97]

I'm not sure if requests are open or not but can you possibly write hc's for milo gordie leon and piers about having a s/o who suffers from epilepsy maybe include their reaction to the first seizure they see, and things like how they handle when s/o starts to seize/show warning signs,

I only do 3 characters at a post so I am going to do Leon, Piers, and Milo since I have Pokemon Shield

(and mama Melany)

Also, I’m speaking and writing this from my perspective of helping my aunt who has seizures regularly and will be answering in what I do and other things that I’ve looked up or found that help, please let me know if I can make it better, thank you! <3 Be safe

Leon

Even though he is super directionally challenged, he is so very perceptive. He will be the first to notice when you are about to have a seizure.

The distant look in your eyes and the nonverbal responses when he asks if you are okay are always signs you’re about to go into one.

He’s by your side in an instant, holding the back of your head up steady while rubbing your arm.

“Hey, it’s okay Y/N… you’re okay.” He repeats this all through out it, steady and comforting.

When you blink back after a few moments, eyes bleary but answer softly back to him, he knows you’re okay and out of it.

Will immediately stop what he’s doing, be it in the middle of an interview or sees you go down in the stands, he is next to you to help you through it

Wont hesitate to absolutely eradicate any disrespectfully words or jokes towards you about your seizures

When you first went into one, he had not expected it.

The two of you were out having lunch together after Leon had invited you out for a date to get to know each other more closely. He had been persistent, always engaging you in small talk when you were at work at one of the local shoppes in Wyndon. Would offer to help in carrying heavier things to help you out, and to make your work load lighter. 

You had been perfectly fine, sitting across from him eating lunch at a local restaurant that you favored, when you seemed to be staring off into the distance as he was talking.

When Leon saw your Gothita get destressed and practically climbed up on you, he knew something was wrong.

He was scared, and that was putting it lightly.

With Gothita surrounding you in her psychic powers she steadied your body and instructed Leon through her telepathy to hold your head straight to where you wouldn’t choke.

He frantically rubbed your arms, while looking for your distant eyes to come back to the cheery e/c he found so attractive.

When you started to move slowly on your own your eyes peered up at him, the distant look fading quickly.

“Mmm…? Leon?” You asked softly, trying to attempt to remember where you were and what happened.

“Y/N!” He replied a smile forming on his face, full of relief. “You’re okay, my God I was so worried, are you ok?”

“Mmmhmm… thanks to you and Gracey.” You replied with a soft smile, giving your pokemon a thankful expression, to which she cried in happiness as a reply.

“Let’s get you to the hospital, to at least get a look at you. Then I’ll make sure you get home okay.” Leon said as he helped you up with his strong arms, letting your body lean against him. “I never knew you had to deal with these. You’re so much stronger than I could ever be, Y/N.”

Your heart thudded in your chest, your stomach knotting up in that similar way it did when you would see him visit your work on his days off from the league. Most people would be so scared and standoffish, more afraid of you than anything. See you as someone that needed to be fixed, someone that was fragile, and needed to be looked after like a child.

But Leon? He shown genuine kindness, he didn’t make you out to be this weak person who had epileptic seizures. He treated you with respect. As an equal.

You were strong, something that you did not hear often in your life.

You gave a small laugh, and peered up at him, your e/c eyes shining against the streetlights. “Is it too late to ask you for a second date?”

Leon’s cheeks uncharacteristically burned a deeper red and low chuckle came from his throat. “Not at all.”

Piers

There’s not many times he’s serious, but when it comes to you, he is stone cold serious.

Will constantly ask you if you’re okay if you seem more nervous or shakier than usual.

Always holds your hand when you’re feeling more shaky, will go into any quieter space to get you to a safer environment just in case

Even though his shows can be flashy and loud, he really prefers that you stay home or listen to CD’s of the shows of his that are flashier and with more lights. He’s talked to his producers about incorporating more epilepsy friendly aspects into his shows and videos so that more people can enjoy it safely.

On the times that you do watch him, he makes sure that the place is better lit, and no strobing lights.

Will rub the top of your head softly when you go into one, and holds you to where you wont hurt yourself during it.

He knew you had them, but you said that it was less common these days. So he thought that it would most likely be a while before you had one.

The first time you had a seizure in front of him, he was terrified and confused on what to do.

You were sitting beside him, listening to him strum on his guitar as try to work out the sound to his new song.

Your Kirlia sat beside you, listening too.

When he looked up from the strings and papers he had scattered around him, rewriting certain parts he paled.

Your arms were shaking as you began to fall backwards rather quickly. Luckily your Kirlia predicted this and carefully grabbed your shoulders and placed you on your side.

Kirlia’s eyes rose to Piers and she instructed him to gently rub at your arms as she used her abilities to work on the overfiring electrical impulses your brain was having.

Piers scanned your body frantically, your twitching limbs and far off stare causing his heart to race in nervousness. He didn’t know what to do, but hoped that what he was doing helped in some way.

Your Kirlia called softly as your twitching began to stop and your eyes regained their soft e/c hue. You hummed a little as you blinked back the glaze over your eyes.

“Y/N, hey… are you with me?” Piers asked, eyebrows knitted together, refusing to leave your side.

You gave him a confused stare and nodded slowly. “Yes…what…?”

Your Kirlia touched your forehead and you understood.

“Thank you… for helping me, Piers.” You patted your Kirlia’s hand greatfully. “And you too Meena, you did amazing.”

From then on Piers was sure to be more observant and learn about how to be better prepared for the next attack. The zigzagoon brigade are always alert and ready to go into pillow mode to help you not hit your head or hurt yourself. 

Milo

The absolute best at making sure that you are taking you meds and taking care of yourself

Always tries to make sure that you have enough time to get enough sleep and goes to bed at the same time as you to help make it easier

He’s used to dealing and helping new gym challengers that have anxiety problems, so he knows how to relax you and help manage your stress

Being as strong as he is, it’s nothing for him to grab you when your legs give out when you go into one, making sure that you are laid down on your side safely

His big hands will make soothing touches and coax you through it, making sure everyone around you is quiet so you’re not overwhelmed with voices around you

If you ever feel bad about having them, he is so quick to reassure you that it is never a problem and he loves you so much

The first time you went into one

You were battling him as your first gym battle, with your Espeon battling against his Glossifleur.

You seemed so strong, easily ordering move after move from your companion, but that changed when you started to wobble on your feet, your Espeon immediately ran to your side to catch you from hitting your head and braced your body against her own and let you fall at a slower rate to the ground safely.

Milo gave a wave to the stadium, with a shout of “Everyone stop!” and made his way over to you. The stadium went into a quick and silent hush. The rotom camera, now focused on you.

Your body jerked involuntarily, your gaze far off and unfocused.

Your partner pokemon gave a cry and rubbed against your body while Milo held your head to where it would be easier for you to breath.

“Hey, Y/N… it’s okay lass. You’re okay.” He said softly, his hat blocking out the harsh sun above you. He gave your cheek a few soft pats, his green eyes searching your face.

It took about a few moments for your hands to stop seizing and jerking. When they did you let out a steady breath. You blinked slowly and gave a low hum as your eyes refocused and fell upon the grass type gym leader above you.

“There you are, are you hurt?” Milo asked you, his voice lower but understandable for your comfort.

You swallowed, and went to slowly sit up, the sun from above now shining painfully on you. You blinked your eyes shut but nodded and turned to him.

 “Yeah… just...” you began and suddenly noticed where you were and felt the anxiety well up inside of you.

“Would it be possible to…stop our battle for today? Please?” you finished and picked at a part of your nails, cheeks flushed.

“I’m sorry but I think I need to lay down for a while, I’m just wiped after…” you tried to explain yourself, your Espeon chittered next to you, rubbing against you softly.

Milo held up a hand with a genuine and kind smile. “Say no more, Y/N. Let’s get you to the nurse on call to get a look at you. Make sure you’re okay.” He rose to hit feet and held a hand out to you. “Can you stand?”

You gave a nod and stood up slowly, but wobbled a little, your legs still unsteady.

Milo scooped you up into his arms effortlessly. “Just rest, I’ll get you there safe and sound.”

And he did, 

[pink-peony-princess]

Months on the making

"Please?" My best friend Ashley, begged, chasing me around the dorm room.

"I don't know," I sighed flopping down on the sofa and switching the TV on. It was 3 in the afternoon so there wasn't much on, but the aimless chatter was enough to block out the whining coming from my roommate.

"Please, please, please, I'll clean the toilet for a month, and you can use my Netflix and steal my lecture notes," she added. I looked at her laughing slightly as she got down on her knees and literally begged me. "Who knows," she added when I didn't respond. "It is a cross facility party, so you might even see some cute guys there, cute doctors," she added.

"Shawn won't be there, there's no way, he's a week out from starting his residency," I stated as if this ended it.

"Who said anything about Shawn?" She smirked, getting up. "You're coming!" She called, walking into the kitchen and returning with snacks. "I mean come on! It's not like you two haven't been sussing each other out all semester ever since you worked in that group project for communications, I mean it's clear you like each other, he's even told his buddies, make your move girl, he's perfect for you!" She encouraged.

"He sure is that," I agreed, dazed just thinking about him. He was tall and built, with broad shoulders, and soft brown curly hair, an award-winning smile and charm to boot. On top of all that he was a really nice guy. No one seemed to have a bad word to say about him.

Two hours later we walked into the party, and I was immediately taken aback by how many people were here. "I'm going to get a drink," Ashley yelled over the music. I nodded turning around, coming across the one face I didn't want to see.

"Oh shit, Hayden is here," I hissed, running to catch up to Ashley.

"Just try to ignore him, he's a douche!"

The night was going well and despite myself, I'd even started to relax and enjoy myself, Ashley had even managed to get Shawn and I talking, not that we didn't flirt with each other whenever we saw one another, but we never really got to have a real conversation- about the more meaningful stuff. We talked about everything from the way Ashley and Brian his best friend were flirting shamelessly, why he chose to live on campus even though he could have chosen to take his last few pre-residency classes online having successfully completed his residency year and what he was looking forward to most.

I was on a real high- he was so easy to talk to (and flirt with)- he'd even suggested we go out for breakfast which immediately got my heart racing. The thought of going out with Shawn-alone, was thrilling.

This changed however, when Shawn declared that he was going to get a drink and Ashley announced she was going to the bathroom, leaving me on the patio where we'd been chatting all alone. I heard the door go, expecting it to be one of them back already, but when I turned, I found Hayden, sauntering over to me, a disturbing smirk on his face. A third-year sports major, med school drop out Hayden was a class A arsehole that would try to get with any girl he could-everyone knew that. He'd had more security warnings than anyone else in our year and he'd decided that his latest challenge was me. It had started in communications class which all journalism, med and sports science majors took- along with a few others so it wasn't uncommon to run into people from other courses. Basically, if you had to talk to people as part of your career, you took the class.

But when I'd told him I wasn't interested, like so many others in the class before me had, he took that as a challenge and had made my life a living hell for the past three months.

"So Kenzie, you finally come to your senses?" He slurred, coming to stand mere inches from my face, his breath stunk of stale beer.

"Go shove it," I spat instinctively taking a step back in an effort to put some distance between us.

"Careful Kenz, you don't have your little pozzie with you now." He grabbed my wrist, slamming me into the side of the building, knocking the wind out of me. I could already feel where the rough stone was cutting into my exposed skin of my back, wrist aching.

"Get off me!" I yelled again, moving to push him away. This only seemed to anger him further though.

"Man she said to leave her alone, " another voice spoke, "so leave her alone." The figure was tall and it was only when they stepped into the light that I realised it was Shawn. Relief flooded me.

"What are you doing here Mendes? Come to protect your girl?" He taunted.

"Stopping a dickhead from doing something stupid," He spoke cooly, a new drink in his hand.

"Wait, what's your degree again, oh yeah...medicine, well let's see how good you really are!" He spoke, pulling me into him by my already pained limb and then thrusting me backward again, smashing me into the wall and ripping my dress in the process leaving me exposed and vulnerable. The relief I had felt moments earlier was replaced with terror.

My head was spinning, a dull ache starting at the base of my scalp, my legs gave out and I found myself on the ground, a shivering, shaking mess.

"Someone call security to come get this piece of shit out of here," Shawn called to the group of people that had assembled at the commotion before crouching down beside me.

"Are you okay, Kenz?" He asked, looking me up and down. I was in too much pain to care that he or anyone else was seeing me practically naked.

"Kenzie, Kenzie oh my God!" Ashley yelled, coming to a skidding halt beside me.

"Give me your coat," Shawn spoke urgently gesturing to the woollen material Ashely had wrapped around her. She handed it over quickly, allowing him to wrap it around me carefully.

"Brian, come help me get her up and inside," he called when he realised his friend had returned.

"We're just going to help you stand up okay?" Shawn spoke gently. Taking my hand.

"Owwww, owww, stop!" I begged, feeling another wave of dizziness and nausea wash over me.

"Right come here," He spoke, picking me up in one gentle but fluid movement. I closed my eyes then, but I could feel people pointing and starting as we made our way through the house and out into the night air. The breeze was cool and dry, bringing me to my senses a little more.

"Out of the way people. I'm half a mind just to take her to the hospital, " He muttered to Ashley and Brian who I could hear trailing behind.

"She won't like that, can't you check her out yourself?" Ashley pleaded and I silently thanked the heavens that I had a friend like her.

"I mean, I could, but if I think she needs to go to the hospital once I look her over, we go, " he bargained.

As we walked for what seemed like ages the pain only intensified my side now throbbing horribly. I was almost certain I was going to be sick when we came to a sudden stop, the lock on a door clicking open.

"Brian get the first aid kit and my bag?" Shawn asked, moving rapidly through space and placing me down onto what felt like a bed.

"Kenz, Kenzie, open your eyes for me, honey." He urged, tapping my arm. With great effort to fight the increasing lethargy, I opened my eyes, blinking furiously at the bright lights that stung my eyes overhead.

"Where are we?" I whispered, trying to ignore the pain- I felt like a life-sized ache.

"We're in my dorm room. I wanted to go to the hospital, but Ash said you may not like that so I brought you here. I have the stuff to treat you here, providing you don't need any further testing, " He explained, kneeling beside my bed as I looked around. I made the mistake of trying to get up, and immediately regretted it when my ribs protested angrily.

"Easy, easy, he warned his expression one of sympathy and concern. "Stay there Kenz, I'll move you if need be. Do you remember what happened?" He asked, glancing down at me with a soft smile. I nodded, somewhat reassured by Shawn's warmth and competency.

"Hayden, " My voice was hoarse from the shouting earlier. He nodded.

"Good, that's a good sign."

He stood up, reaching for several items by the door- the first aid kit and a bag- no doubt the one's he had asked Brian to retrieve.

"Where are you hurting?" He asked, looking me up and down, appraising my injuries. Just this small action made the tears I had been holding back, spillover, a mixture of pain, fear, relief and embarrassment. "Hey, hey, you're okay. Shhh, you don't need to cry, " He murmured, taking my hand gently in his, immediately enveloping me with warmth. I had known I liked him for months now, and every time we interacted this was affirmed more by small things he would do or say- getting me my favourite coffee before early morning tutes, offering to walk me to class. Yet somehow this felt so much more intimate and I almost forgot where we were until Ashley cleared her throat.

"Do- do you wanna help her change and we'll come back in a minute. You can have one of my shirts." Shawn spoke shaking his head as if clearing a fog as he got up and threw a soft sweater at the bed.

I nodded mutely, not trusting my voice.

"A little help?" I asked Ashley, when the door closed.

"Girl he is smit-ten, She sang, coming over to help undo the ripped material of my dress."

"Shut up! He's probably just outside the door,"

I hissed, wanting very much to hit her over the head, but not wanting to move again for fear of pain.

The shirt smelled like him- a mix of Sandalwood and some sort of earthy, almost woodsy tone.

"You can come back in, " She called when I was decent again and laying back on the bed.

Thankfully Shawn was extremely professional, acutely aware of the strange situation and my escalated anxiety. Asking permission before so much as taking my pulse.

When he got to my ribs, he stopped, barely touching the bottom of the sweater.

"May I?" I nodded, sucking in a huge breath as the anticipation of pain (and Shawn's touch) over whelmed me. I could help, but hold my breath, as he gently palpated the area, feeling in and around my ribs. "Nothing feels broken, " He commented, after a little bit.

"So no hospital?" I asked praying he agreed. His brow furrowed. I would still feel better if you saw a fully licensed doctor. I'll call my mate okay. Connor, he's really chilled," He spoke, pushing some baby hairs off my face. "In the meantime let's get these cuts and bruises sorted, " He smiled.

Not much was said for the next half an hour, Shawn working quietly and efficiently. The only time I felt any pain was when he and Ashley had to sit me up so he could clean and disinfect my back. My wrists he said, although badly bruised and about eight differ ent shades of purple would heal on their own.

I was just starting to get sleepy, Shawn tapping me every so often to keep me awake when there was a soft knock at the door, before a man around Shawn's age, maybe a few years older walked in.

"Kenzie is it? I'm Connor, he introduced himself with a smile. "Shawn told me what happened, is it okay if I have a look at your head."

I nodded, trusting him, because Shawn trusted him. And honestly I just wanted, no needed, sleep.

Like Shawn his assessment was thourough, but quick. "You can lay back again, " he murmured as he finished checking me over, putting his penlight back in his pocket and pulling his gloves off.

"So?" Shawn asked, looking between me and his friend.

Connor sighed, "Yeah, you're right, she does have a small concussion, you know the drill, rest, lots of fluids, wake her every hour. He got you good, I'm sorry to say, " he grimaced. "Is someone staying with her?" He asked looking between me, Shawn and Ashley.

"I could stay, I mean, if you're okay with that?"Shawn spoke looking to me.

I shrugged, hissing as the action, pulled at my ribs.

"Okay, it's settled then, " Ashley clapped, a sly smile on her face, which I could just see past Shawn's torso blocking most of my view as he sat beside me.

Brian and Ashley stayed for a little longer, chatting quietly between themselves as I lay there half awake, and exhausted, but unable to sleep. When Shawn declared that it was time for them to go, because the 'patient' needed rest (this got a glare), Ash tried to kick up a stink, no doubt hoping to witness more content with which she could hold over my head. Shawn however wasn't having it, and insisted they come back tomorrow.

"Finally, some peace, jeez, my head hurts," I laughed, again regretting it.

"Here, take these." He handed me some tablets and a bottle of water. Sitting beside the bed on a chair, which he had pulled from the desk across the room. "It's been one hell of a night! I'll have to take you out to make up for it, " He spoke casually.

I turned, surprised, not quite sure I believe what I was hearing.

"Like a date?" I sqeeked out, feeling my face flush.

"I mean, I just thought..." He trailed off, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"I'd like that," I smiled.

Get some rest and when you're better we'll organise something, it's been months in the making. Don't think I haven't noticed the way Ashley's been 'accidently' having to talk to the professor in comms class leaving us alone." He smiled.

I blushed, just thinking about it, damn, he was more perceptive than I thought. "Don't tease me, I'm sore, and tired, " I grumbled.

"I'm here if you need me, Honey, " He spoke, my heart swelling the nickname.

"Thank you, Shawn, "I spoke reaching for his hand as I finally fell to sleep.

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?